1. Chapter 1

**A/N: So I started this fic back in July and it was going to be a Christmas in July gift to Sindy, Fiona, Erica, Imani, and Sara but now I guess it's a Christmas in September gift. Better late than never though, right? Anyway, this story is part of my series that I have been writing. If you're following the chronology it would come after "Sandcastle and Fireworks" but before "He Didn't Have to Be" and "Someone Somewhere Tonight". I'm also planning a Valentine's Day/wedding fic and then I will go back to the present and write the fic where Avery is born and beyond. That is if I ever recover from the "Brian is a kid" comments that have broken my heart. So anyway, same disclaimers as always: I own no one even though I really wish I did. Leave me a review here or on Twitter (Dimonkey17) and let me know what you think. The more reviews, the faster I'll get part 2 up. Enjoy :)**

A few stray snowflakes fell from the night sky and hit the windshield of Olivia's car just as she reached her apartment building and pulled cautiously into the underground parking lot. Waving courteously at Lenny in the guard shack, Olivia turned the corner and pulled her red Honda CR-V into her assigned parking space next to Brian's black Dodge Charger. She had traded in her mid-life crisis Mustang for a practical mom-mobile a few weeks after agreeing to take Noah in. Most days she didn't mind the cumbersome vehicle, too distracted by the perk of finally being a mom, but today, when she had just closed a particularly heart-wrenching case, she genuinely missed her black sportscar. Missed the feeling of empowerment it gave her as she was weaving in and out of busy traffic, revving her engine at long traffic lights, down-shifting as she veered around tight corners. In a world that seemed to get increasingly out of control it was nice to have one thing she could control, even if it was just a flashy car.

Glancing in the rearview mirror, her gaze settled on the empty car seat which had just recently been turned to the front facing position, noticing the Cheerios lodged in the crevices and the floppy gray bunny rabbit draped over the edge, apparently forgotten by Noah in their haste this morning. Normally she picked Noah up at Brian's mom's place on her way home from work, just as she dropped him off there every morning. After she and Brian re-coupled she had pulled Noah out of day care at Mrs. Cassidy's insistence, and only used Lucy, her evening sitter, in rare emergencies when both she and Brian got called in during the middle of the night and didn't want to wake the older woman. But today was Christmas Eve and Brian had left work early, calling to tell Olivia he would swing by and pick Noah up on his way home. In fact he was probably upstairs with Noah right now, waiting for her to get home so they could begin their holiday festivities.

This would be Noah's first Christmas with them and Olivia wanted it to be special. Not like his actual first Christmas, spent surrounded by gang members and prostitutes too concerned with getting their next fix to pay him any attention. She knew he was only fourteen months old and probably wouldn't remember much of it anyway, but that hadn't stopped her and Brian from going all out. Their apartment was decorated like a miniature Santa's Village—twinkling lights and red and green decorations adorned every surface—and there were so many gifts, Noah would most likely be opening them until Easter.

Shutting off the perky radio personality midway through her announcement about how Santa was currently somewhere over Germany and would be arriving in the United States in only seven more hours, Olivia turned off her car, pulled her coat a little tighter, and began to gather up the belongings from her passenger seat. Her purse, a gift bag containing a bottle of wine and a still wrapped gift for Noah from Amanda, a gift basket full of assorted coffees and chocolates, the kind you could find at any mall kiosk in America, from the rest of the department—not entirely personal, but it showed they cared—, and a couple of case files she had fooled herself into believing she would actually look at during her time off. In her purse was a stack of Christmas cards, some lottery tickets, a gift certificate to a very fancy restaurant from Fin, with instructions that she and Brian were to get a sitter for Noah and enjoy an adults only night out, and a one year family membership to the Bronx Zoo from Nick, stating Zara had loved it there and he hoped Noah would too. The poinsettia from Melinda still sat on the desk in her office. Out of hands to carry it to her car and uncertain how safe it was to have the poisonous plant around her now walking and extremely curious son, she had left it behind, hoping it would survive without water until she came back.

Items in hand she climbed out of the front seat, slammed the door shut with her hip, and managed to hit the small red button on her keys, locking the door and engaging the alarm system. Seeing her struggle with her armload of possessions on his surveillance camera, the portly security guard shuffled up the slight incline, his feet slapping loudly on the concrete, and grabbed hold of the door handle, opening it just before Olivia reached the entrance to the building.

"Thank you Lenny," Olivia said, smiling graciously at the older man as she stepped from the frigid parking garage into the well-heated foyer, her nose instantly assaulted by the smell of pine needles and cinnamon. "Guess I should have made two trips."

"Not a problem, Ms. Benson," Lenny wheezed as he followed her down the short hallway to the elevator, breathing heavily and doing double time to keep up with Olivia's longer strides. "Guess you're in a rush to get home to that little boy of yours. I saw Mr. Cassidy take him upstairs a couple of hours ago."

"Am I that obvious?" Olivia asked with a chuckle, shifting the precariously positioned basket in her arms before it could spill onto the floor.

"It's the 'Baby's First Christmas' look," Lenny replied as he pushed the up arrow on the elevator pad for Olivia. "I know it well. My wife's been wearing it for the past three weeks, anticipating our granddaughter's visit. She's nine months old and we haven't seen her since June when we flew out to Colorado to visit my daughter and her husband for a week. Their flight was due in an hour ago and I can't wait to get home and see them but I'm here until 11:00 tonight."

"I'm sorry," Olivia replied with a slight frown, feeling somewhat guilty that she was about to head upstairs to her warm apartment to spend a fun-filled evening with her son and boyfriend while Lenny was going to go back to the cold guard shack, all alone, away from his loved ones on the most family-centric night of the year.

"Don't worry about it." Lenny shrugged and gave Olivia a wide smile. "I need these hours to pay for all the presents my wife bought for the baby. And I'm off all day tomorrow, so I'll be there for the important things."

Just then the elevator dinged, signaling its arrival, followed by a swooshing noise as the doors slid open.

"Well I guess that's my ride." Olivia stepped onto the waiting elevator and turned around, offering one final smile to Lenny. "Thank you so much for all your help. And you have a very Merry Christmas! Enjoy the time with your daughter and granddaughter."

"Oh I'm sure I will," Lenny replied heartily. "Merry Christmas to you too Ms. Benson!"

As the door slid closed, Olivia leaned back against the wall and sighed, seconds later feeling the small car begin its ascent. Tinny Christmas muzak filtered through the speakers, doing its part to put the elevator occupants in the Christmas spirit. But all Olivia could concentrate on was the horrible look on that mother's face when she delivered the dreadful news. A look that stared back at her every time she dared to close her eyes.

They had been working the case all week. A sixteen year old rape victim who had disappeared from home just days before her rapist was to go to trial. The parents had naively held out hope that she had just run away, unable to deal with the trial prep and the constant stares from her classmates anymore. Unfortunately her body had finally turned up this morning, when a fisherman noticed her floating alongside where his boat was docked. The on-call ME was still trying to determine if it was homicide or suicide when Olivia had finally called it a day and left for home. Not before meeting with the family however, and relaying the unwanted news. There is never a good time to hear that your teenage daughter is never coming home, but Olivia was certain that Christmas Eve had to be by far the worst time to hear it.

Trudging slowly down the hallway toward her apartment door, Olivia did her best to turn the feelings off. She had been taking cases like this home with her for sixteen years, letting them invade her psyche, ruin all her interpersonal relationships. But tonight, this case was going to stay at the precinct, locked securely between the covers of the folder sitting on her desk. Tonight and tomorrow were all about Noah and Brian and the amazing Christmas she was going to spend with both of them. Sure she still felt bad for Mrs. Jackson, but she would not let someone else's misfortune keep her from celebrating the long awaited good fortune that had finally come her way.

Juggling the paraphernalia in her arms, Olivia managed to turn the key and open the front door, before stumbling across the door mat, the contents of her arms spilling onto the little table just inside the door. After picking up the handful of escaped K-cups and truffles, she closed the front door, turning the lock and sliding the dead bolt into place. She hung her winter coat up and slipped out of her boots. Deciding that the gifts could stay right where they were until she found Brian and Noah, Olivia gathered up her purse and pile of files and headed toward the living room, the lack of audible noise telling her they were probably in the bedroom.

Sure enough, the living room stood completely empty. A Charlie Brown Christmas played on the television, despite the fact that no one was watching it. Untouched cartons of Chinese food sat on the kitchen counter, their savory aroma filling Olivia's nostrils. Still in search of her men, Olivia dropped her files and purse on the coffee table and continued down the hallway. Stopping in the doorway to her bedroom, in awe of the sight in front of her, all remaining negative thoughts bouncing around in her brain only moments before instantly evaporated.

Brian stood, his back to Olivia, with Noah on his hip, next to his beloved cattle skull. When he had moved back in months ago, the skull had been one of the first items to make its way back to the apartment. Olivia, who had never felt it fit the décor the first time around, had resisted when Brian tried to hang it in its old spot on the wall, finally conceding that he could hang it in the bedroom, out of sight.

Noah's small hand was lightly patting the skull, laughing at the Santa hat sitting cock-eyed atop the bony structure and the red and green Christmas lights wound around his horns. Meanwhile Brian was telling the toddler all about how he bought the skull when he visited a ranch in Texas on a road trip with some college buddies and how they all got matching skull tattoos after a night of too much drinking and how maybe one day Noah would want a cool tattoo "just like Daddy".

Olivia had heard the story about the skull and the tattoo before—many, many times. But she silently leaned against the doorframe and listened to it again, smiling at Noah's apparent fascination with the tale, frowning slightly at the mention of her precious little boy, who wasn't even potty-trained or speaking in full sentences yet, getting a tattoo.

Olivia opened her mouth to protest but closed it again before uttering a single word, choosing instead to continue observing the interaction between her boyfriend and her son for a few moments longer. She often saw a totally different side of Brian when he was talking with Noah and didn't know she was watching them. These bonding moments warmed her heart more than anything and she knew she would cherish them forever.

Noah babbled happily, as though he was responding to Brian's story, still sliding his small hand along the smooth skull, coming to a stop when he reached the furry white brim of the Santa hat. Tugging on the hat, Noah grunted with frustration when his efforts failed to remove the hat. He gave one final futile yank on the fabric before he cocked his tiny head and looked at Brian, his wide brown eyes pleading with his father for assistance.

"This what you want, buddy?" Brian asked, swiftly scooping up the fuzzy hat and plopping it on top of Noah's head, earning him a toothy grin and a wet kiss on the cheek from Noah, followed by a few garbled words that Olivia couldn't quite decipher from across the room.

Brian seemed to understand what Noah had said though, judging by the deep throaty laugh that erupted from his chest. A laugh that still made Olivia's toes tingle every time she heard it, even after all these years.

"Looks like somebody remembers what we've been practicing," Brian said, still chuckling, before reciprocating the act of affection with a kiss of his own on Noah's round cheek.

Deciding she had been a silent bystander long enough and that she was ready to join in on the hugs and kisses with her two favorite guys, Olivia casually cleared her throat and said, "Merry Christmas Eve," as she took a step into the room, drawing the immediate attention of father and son.

"Mama!" Noah squealed excitedly at the sound of Olivia's voice. He squirmed frantically, waving his tiny arms at her until she acknowledged his silent request and plucked him from Brian's arms.

"Hey mister," Olivia cooed to her son, peppering his belly and cheeks with kisses before settling him on her hip, her lips curled upward in a blissful smile. She would never tire of hearing Noah call her "Mama".

In the back of her mind she knew it was slightly premature, calling herself his mother, when the adoption wouldn't be finalized for another five months and a lot could happen in that time. Noah's biological father could show up. The courts could decide on another placement for Noah, one where the parents didn't work such crazy hours at high-risk jobs. Based on her string of bad luck, she wouldn't have even been surprised if a wealthy family showed up out of nowhere claiming Noah was their kidnapped child, if not for the fact that Ellie Porter's DNA matched Noah's.

But she wasn't going to think about that, not tonight, not ever. This life she was making with Noah and Brian, this was what she had been waiting for all her life. And she had suffered through ten lifetimes of challenges to get to this point. Olivia was going to live in the moment and make the absolute most of it for as long as it lasted, which if she had anything to say about it would be forever.

"Liv! How long have you been standing there?" Brian asked, clearly flustered by her unannounced arrival, a trace of baby slobber still glistening on his face.

"Long enough to know who to blame if my child winds up with a matching father-son tattoo," Olivia teased, shooting a fake scowl in Brian's direction, as Noah snuggled happily into her chest, the Santa hat falling down over his eyes.

While Brian struggled unsuccessfully to put a coherent sentence together, Olivia wiped the drool from Brian's cheek, her soft fingertips lingering an extra second longer as they swiped lovingly across the hint of stubble, and added, "And what is Noah practicing for?"

Brian continued to stumble over his words, "We were just…I mean…it's nothing…he and I were…um…we were…."

"Maybe Noah can tell me what's going on," Olivia suggested with a chuckle, pushing the hat out of his eyes and gently rubbing her thumb over Noah's soft cheek.

"No!" Brian blurted out, earning him a bemused look from Olivia and a giggle from Noah.

"It's just, it's sort of a surprise," he mumbled, looking down as he felt a warm flush color his cheeks.

"Ok, I'll wait to find out what it is," Olivia conceded. "But if you taught my son some sort of Jets fight song for him to perform when they play my Giants this weekend, you can start looking for a new place to live."

The words had been said as a joke, but as soon as they crossed her lips Olivia wished she could pull them back, the crestfallen look on Brian's face almost more than she could bear. How could she have been so insensitive? Of course she wouldn't kick him out again and she shouldn't have even joked about it, knowing how elated he had been when she asked him to move back in with her and Noah.

Olivia loved Brian more than she had ever imagined she could love a man and Noah adored him from the minute they met. But still, she knew Brian was fragile. His gruff self-assured exterior might fool everyone else but Olivia still caught glimpses of his timidity, of the Brian who worried that one false move and Olivia would send him packing again without so much as a warning shot. In both their previous attempts at relationships, Brian had been the more invested of the two; the one who gave his heart completely, only to have it end up getting stomped on. She was doing all she could to make sure he knew this time around she was just as devoted as he was, but clearly his fears were not so easily assuaged.

"I'm sorry Bri." The words rushed from her mouth. "It was just a dumb joke. I didn't really mean it. I was just kidding…and, and, and I shouldn't have said that, and—"

Brian cut her off, smiling tentatively at her. "Liv, it's okay. I shouldn't have taken it so personally. I know you were just teasing."

He closed the small distance between them, wrapping his arms around Olivia's waist and pulling her and Noah into his embrace. Olivia muttered a few more "I'm sorry"s and "I love you"s against his chest while Brian softly rubbed her back, letting her know there were no hard feelings for her ill-timed remark. They finally broke apart when Noah began kicking his small legs against them and whining, begging to be released from the Brian and Olivia sandwich.

Planting a quick kiss on Olivia's lips before he stepped back, Brian nervously slipped his hand into Olivia's and began to pull her in the direction of the kitchen. "What do you say we eat some dinner," he suggested. "The Chinese food got here just before you did. Noah and I were just killing time waiting for you."

"That sounds like a great idea," Olivia agreed. "We were so busy today that lunch never happened. Aside from a few Christmas cookies I swiped from a tray in the cribs and a granola bar I found in my desk drawer I haven't had anything to eat since breakfast this morning, so I am starving. I hope you got chicken and cashews."

"Oh man, I knew I forgot something," Brian exclaimed as he rifled through the bag of food on the counter. "Maybe if you had texted one more reminder. I mean the first seventeen texts and the fact that I know it's your favorite apparently weren't enough."

Brian couldn't keep the laughter out of his voice as he turned toward a scowling Olivia, a Chinese takeout carton in his hand. "Oh look, your chicken and cashews was in here after all. Guess the delivery boy must have just thrown it in since it's what you always order. Did you want a plate or were you just gonna eat it right out of the container?"

He offered the carton to her, laughing even harder as she swiped it out of his hand, playfully glaring at him as she did. "Okay, I'll admit it. I may have gone a little heavy on the reminders."

"A little?" Brian replied, raising an eyebrow.

"Alright, a lot," Olivia conceded, the scowl fading as she laughed along with him. "I told you I didn't eat all day. This Chinese food was all I could think about."

"I don't know about you Noah, but I'm a little hurt," Brian spoke to the little boy. "We spent all afternoon thinking about Mommy and how much fun we were gonna have with her when she got home and the only thing on her mind was her sodium rich dinner entrée."

Olivia frowned at Brian. "You were on my mind too Bri. It goes without saying, you two are always on my mind."

Especially today, she added silently. Cases like today's always made her wish she had held Noah one second longer before she headed out the door for work. That she had said one more "I love you" to Brian. A look of sadness clouded Olivia's eyes as she once again imagined the immense grief of losing someone she loved. Sensing the change in Olivia's demeanor, the smile on Brian's face faded slightly.

"Well then I guess Santa's little helper won't have to return your present," Brian teased, attempting to return the mood to its previous lightheartedness. Olivia gratefully accepted his effort and gave him an appreciative smile before carrying Noah and their food over to the table.

As Brian plated up a serving of chicken and broccoli next to his pork fried rice he happily watched the woman and child he so desperately wanted to spend forever with, his thoughts wandering back to the stop he had made on his way home from work.

**TBC :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Okay here is part 2. The beginning part (in italics) is a flashback. This was just supposed to be a two-shot but it only really covers Christmas Eve, so if you're interested in me adding another part or 2 that includes Christmas Day let me know. I may have some ideas for that. Otherwise I'll start on another fic or write the next chapter for Christmas Blues. Thanks for the reviews, faves, and follows. Enjoy :)**

_Standing in the poorly lit hallway outside the third floor apartment, a sleeping Noah resting against his shoulder, Brian was beginning to regret coming here. It had seemed like the right thing to do but now that he was here, his mouth felt like cotton, his legs could barely hold him up, and he couldn't formulate a single articulate thought. The speech he had been practicing on the way over, nothing but a distant memory. He was just about to abort the mission and head for home, with his slumbering child in tow, when the apartment door swung unexpectedly open, a familiar bald headed man crossing the threshold, several festive gift bags dangling from his hand._

"_Brian? What are you doing here?' Donald Cragen questioned, his eyebrow arched in confusion at the unanticipated visitors gracing his doorstep._

_Shoving his hand into the pocket of his jeans, Brian ran his fingers over the small lightweight box contained within its folds that currently felt like an anchor rooting him to his spot on the floor. He made brief eye contact with the older man before quickly averting his eyes as he began to talk. "I came to ask you something," he mumbled softly, almost hoping the toddler in his arms would wake up, taking the attention away from Brian, at least momentarily. "But it looks like you're on your way out so I won't hold you up."_

"_Nonsense. I always have time for you and Noah. Come on in. Have a seat." Cragen gestured past himself, toward a sitting room just beyond the door._

_Brian hesitated a second, shaking his head in disagreement, and he even took a single step back toward the elevator, before turning around and reluctantly crossing into the apartment, his shoulders slumped in defeat. Once Don had closed the door, Brian followed him into the sitting room and took a seat on the edge of the couch, shifting Noah so his sleeping form was cradled in his lap. While he waited for Cragen to take his seat in the adjacent recliner, he glanced around the apartment that was slightly smaller than his and Olivia's, absently observing the subtle touches of femininity obviously added by Eileen._

"_Can I get you anything? Coffee? A beer? Water?" Cragen inquired._

"_No. I'm fine, thanks," Brian replied, nervously tapping his foot against the floor, the noise thankfully all but completely muffled by the thick carpet._

_Cragen finally sank into the easy chair, taking a moment to observe his former detective's panicked behavior before he spoke. "Brian, is something wrong with Olivia?" he asked, the concern evident in his voice._

"_No. God no. It's nothing like that," Brian began. He paused for a moment knowing that once these words crossed his lips there would be no taking them back. He plan would be set in motion. The intangible life he dreamed of would be as real as the ring in his pocket or the baby in his arms. Taking a deep breath in a final attempt to calm his jittering nerves and locking eyes with the former SVU captain, he forged ahead. "I actually came here to ask your permission…to ask if it would be okay with you if…."_

_Brian choked over the important words as they got caught in his dry throat. He was beginning to regret turning down the offer of a glass of water. Clearing his throat, he mustered up a determination that had been lacking in his previous attempt and began again. "Sir, I would like to marry Olivia and be Noah's father for the rest of his life. And since Olivia doesn't have a dad and has always looked up to you as a father figure, I was hoping you'd give me…give us…your blessing."_

_A joy bubbled up inside Cragen as Brian's words sunk in. Of course Brian had his blessing. Don had known Olivia for nearly two decades now and he had never seen his best detective's face light up as bright as it did when she talked about Brian. Well until Noah came along. In fact, Don realized, nowadays it was rare for him to have a non-work related conversation with Olivia that didn't revolve around the two men in her life._

_Anyone could see how in love those two were but only Don, as their former commanding officer and friend, could truly trace the progression of their relationship—from Brian's unreciprocated schoolboy love and devotion all those years ago to a mutual dependence that developed during the worst time of their lives and blossomed into an eternal love that could look past the scars inflicted by Lewis and tackle the challenges of an unexpected foster child thrown into the mix with a gentle ease. _

_The "Hail Mary" speech he had given Olivia when he retired came flooding back to him. He had known back then that Brian was Olivia's "Hail Mary"; he had only hoped Olivia would realize it as well before it was too late. And now he knew she had. Olivia would say yes. There was no question in his mind—she would take this next step with a certainty that had eluded her for most of her adult life._

_Brian watched the older man silently process the question Brian had posed to him, his face devoid of any expression. He waited in agony as seconds turned to minutes and still the silence was not broken. Had Brian been wrong to think Olivia was ready for marriage? Was he wrong to think that __**he **__was good enough for her and Noah? Did no one trust Brian to not break Olivia's heart again? What did he have to do to prove that he wasn't going anywhere, ever again? Was Cragen just searching for a way to let him down gently? _

_Self-preservation kicked in and Brian prepared to stand from his spot on the couch, anxious to avoid the awkward rejection and to put this whole ridiculous idea behind him. He just hoped Cragen would never mention this embarrassing encounter to Olivia. Just then Cragen's words pierced through the quiet, their unexpected message stopping Brian in his tracks._

"_Brian you don't need my permission to marry Olivia but you certainly have my blessing and I'm honored that you asked."_

"_I'm sorry…what?" Brian asked in amazement as he sank back into the couch, glancing down for a moment as Noah began to stir in his arms._

"_Did you think I was going to say no?" Cragen responded with a chuckle. His smile faltered slightly as Brian offered an ashamed shrug in response._

"_Wow, you and Olivia are more alike than I ever realized. Always expecting the worst, waiting for the other shoe to drop," Cragen added wryly, sizing up the situation with a shrewd accuracy. His tone softening, he reached across the room and placed his hand on Brian's knee in a display of friendship before he continued. "You make Olivia happy. Believe me, that is no small feat. You love her, you love Noah, and you've learned how to peacefully cohabitate with her and all her idiosyncrasies without running full force the other direction. You bring out the best in her and she provokes a side of you most people don't even know exists. That's enough for me. Together you are going to raise that little boy there to be one amazing young man, I know it. He doesn't need your DNA to be a perfect combination of you and Olivia; just your love, and I'm positive he's getting plenty of that."_

"_Thanks Captain. That means a lot," Brian replied, getting choked up with emotion. Noah chose that moment to let out a tiny squawk as he groggily woke up from his nap, not immediately recognizing his surroundings. Brian was grateful for the momentary distraction, as he was able to brush away the few tears that threatened to fall from his hazel eyes, undetected, while Cragen's gaze was trained on the cranky child in Brian's lap._

"_I didn't say anything that wasn't true." Cragen gave him an earnest smile and was pleased to see Brian reciprocate the action. Meanwhile, Noah's single cry progressed to a series of wails that seemed to increase in volume and intensity each time his little lungs sucked another deep breath in._

"_Well I guess that's our cue to get going," Brian chuckled as he stood up, placing Noah on his hip and gently patting the little boy's back in a soothing fashion, trying his best to calm him down._

_Together the two men walked to the door, both satisfied by the outcome of their impromptu meeting. As they reached the entryway Cragen clapped a reassuring hand onto Brian's shoulder before sharing one final insight with the younger man. "You know Brian, I used to worry about Olivia. Worried that one day she'd go down one of her rabbit holes and never come out. But now, now I know she'll be okay. You and Noah, you're her life raft, not to mix metaphors, and I know your love will always pull her back from the dark places. I saw how it healed her after Lewis and I have no doubt it will see you and her through any other trials or storms that come your way."_

"_Thanks for your faith in me. I'll do my damndest not to let you, or Olivia and Noah, down," Brian promised, his words nearly drowned out by Noah's angry howls. "Thanks again for everything."_

"_No problem. Take good care of my girl," Cragen called after Brian as he shuffled down the hall to the elevator, all the while rocking a restless Noah._

"_I will," Brian replied, glancing over his shoulder, giving Cragen one last parting smile of gratitude._

"_I know."_

"Brian, your food's gonna get cold." Olivia's soft voice broke into Brian's thoughts.

Brian just smiled as he fought his way back to the present. There was no backing out of this now. He just hoped he hadn't misread the signs; that Olivia was as ready for this next step as he was.

Picking up his plate, he joined Olivia and Noah at the table, laughing at the way Noah gnawed determinedly on his piece of sweet and sour chicken, the sticky red sauce coating his cheeks from ear to ear.

"I think you missed a spot, buddy," Brian chuckled as he dabbed some sauce on the tip of Noah's nose.

"You know you're in charge of cleaning him up when he's covered from head to toe in sweet and sour sauce," Olivia warned, laughing slightly at the irony of her little boy in the Santa hat with a Rudolph nose.

"Okay, bad idea," Brian admitted. "Let me clean that off for you Noah."

Brian reached for his napkin to undo the damage he had done, stopping mid-task when Olivia whispered, "Bri, wait."

Looking back to see what had caused Olivia's sudden change of heart, Brian had to chuckle at the comical sight in front of him. Noah was struggling to lick the red goo off the tip of his nose, the fact that his tongue was not quite long enough not deterring him one bit. His little tongue wiggled furiously and his big brown eyes crossed as they stared down at the unreachable assailant. Olivia had already pulled out her iPhone and was doing her best to inconspicuously take pictures of the Noah-supplied dinnertime theater. By the time Noah gave up, leaving the sticky decoration on his face and returning his attention to his unfinished piece of chicken, Olivia had captured at least twenty pictures and she and Brian both had tears streaming down their faces.

The rest of the meal passed by rapidly with no further commotion. Small talk about Noah's latest tricks and accomplishments dominated the conversation around the table, both Brian and Olivia eager to leave any thoughts of work behind for the next few days. Their comfortable dinnertime dialogue only came to an end when Noah, out of food, finally grew tired of being contained in his high chair and began reaching his arms in Olivia's direction, whining, "Down, Mama, down."

Olivia reached to extricate Noah from his chair but stopped when she felt Brian's light touch on her forearm.

"Let me get him cleaned up."

"Bri, I was just kidding about the sauce on his nose," Olivia said with a laugh. The laugh faded and a wistful look passed over her eyes as she added, "Besides I could use some cuddle time with my little man right about now."

"I know. But Noah and I need to get our surprise ready for you. So you go sit on the couch and close your eyes and we'll be with you in a moment. And then you can spend the rest of the night cuddling with Noah—and me." Without waiting for Olivia to protest, Brian gave Olivia a cheeky grin, scooped Noah out of his high chair and headed toward the kitchen sink. When he glanced over his shoulder as he turned on the tap, Olivia had risen from her spot at the table and was making her way to the couch, shooting Brian a puzzled look as she went.

"Don't forget to close your eyes," Brian called as she settled into the plush couch. "And no peeking!"

Olivia heaved a contented sigh and obediently closed her eyes. She leaned back against the cushions and listened to the ensemble of sounds filling the apartment. To the water being shut off. To Brian's hushed whispers. To Noah's happy squeals and sweet baby talk. To the animated characters on the television trying to save Rudolph from the Abominable Snowman. To the thud of footsteps as, Olivia could only guess, Brian retrieved something from the bedroom.

The footsteps and Noah's giggles grew louder as the duo returned to the living room. Brian whispered a few final instructions to Noah as he positioned the little boy so he was standing in front of his mother. Moments later Olivia felt the couch sink in next to her, followed by Brian's strong arm snaking itself around her shoulder and pulling her into his warm embrace. He placed a single kiss on the side of Olivia's forehead sending a million shivers shooting down her spine. She snuggled closer against Brian's broad chest, silently wondering what he had in store for her.

All the nervous anticipation that had been coursing through Brian's veins only hours earlier had all but evaporated. He still clung to a tiny inkling of fear that she might say no, content to leave the door open for an easy escape if needed, but he pushed it aside, choosing instead to listen to his heart and the words of a trusted friend. He knew Olivia loved him and would welcome the opportunity to spend the rest of her life with him, his talk with Cragen only confirming those feelings.

He had spent weeks formulating the perfect proposal—practicing with Noah—and now it was time to let his plan play out. To give Olivia the surprise of a lifetime. Brian intended to memorize every moment—every word, every expression, every tear. But just in case a video camera, which he had pressed "record" on as he passed by it on the way to the couch, was hidden in the corner of the room capturing it all for posterity.

"Can I open my eyes yet?" Olivia murmured, interrupting Brian's thoughts once again.

"I'll have to consult with my sidekick," Brian muttered into Olivia's silky brown hair. "What do you think, Noah? Can Mommy open her eyes and see her surprise?"

Noah just laughed, his nose crinkling almost exactly the same way Olivia's did when she smiled, making it hard for strangers to guess that he wasn't their biological child.

"I'm gonna say that's a yes," Brian chuckled. "Go ahead Liv. Open your eyes."

Olivia slowly opened her eyes, her mouth dropping open at the precious sight in front of her. Noah was all dressed in a tiny Santa suit, his oversized hat still practically obstructing his vision, holding out a small brightly wrapped package topped with a big red bow.

"Ho, ho, ho, Mama," Noah announced, as Brian watched, beaming with pride. He dropped the package on Olivia's lap before wrapping his arms tightly around her legs and resting his chin on her knees.

"Thank you Noah," Olivia gushed, pulling the bothersome hat back out of Noah's eyes so she could see his entire smiling face—the features staring back at her no longer those of an infant but rather a rambunctious toddler.

"When did my baby turn into such a big boy?" she wondered aloud, tears forming in the corners of her eyes.

"I tried to teach him Merry Christmas, but it was a few too many syllables," Brian said with a bittersweet chuckle, glad that although Noah was growing up faster than either of them was ready for there were still plenty of things he was too little to do.

Olivia wiped away a single tear that had made its way down her cheek. "It was perfect. But I wish you had told me you were going to do this. I don't have a gift to give you tonight. I mean I guess I could go get one of your gifts for tomorrow and let you unwrap it to-."

Olivia's words were cut off by Brian putting a single finger up to her lips. "Shhh, babe it's okay. I wasn't expecting anything tonight. Noah and I just thought you should have this tonight. Now go ahead and open it. We can't wait to see what you think, right buddy?"

Noah babbled a few incomprehensible words that sounded vaguely like "Santa" and "present" as Brian scooped him from his place on the floor in front of Olivia, up into his lap. Olivia paused for a second to plant a kiss on the tip of Noah's nose before relaxing against Brian and beginning to peel the wrapping paper from her gift. Brian waited, the anticipation bubbling up in him, as Olivia opened the gift with a painstaking precision, taking great care not to rip the fancy paper. After what felt like an eternity, Olivia's nimble fingers pulled the box out of its hiding place, letting the paper fall effortlessly to the floor.

Lifting the lid, she was greeted with layers of tissue paper, which she sorted through until her fingers came to rest on a smaller velvet box. Tentatively she lifted the box out, gasping when it came into view. Her dark brown eyes lit up as she tilted her head to look at Brian, who was watching her with a silent trepidation. "Is this what I think it is?" Her words were soft and breathless, completely caught off guard by the contents of the package.

"Why don't you open it and find out," Brian urged, a smile spreading across his face.

Butterflies swirling in her stomach, her heart racing a mile a minute, Olivia returned his smile before looking back at the tiny black box sitting nestled in her hands. Torn between the desire to view the contents of the box and the need to make this moment last as long as possible, knowing she had been waiting her whole life for this experience and that it would never happen again, Olivia took her time. With slow methodical meticulousness she ran her fingers over the soft fabric, glancing between Noah and Brian and the box several times, before finally popping the lid open. Resting inside the box was a brilliant one carat round cut solitaire diamond ring, with a row of smaller diamonds on either side of the main diamond, enhancing the beauty of the platinum band.

Olivia shifted slightly on the couch so she was facing Brian, her eyes trained expectantly on his face. Brian smiled at her, the adorable smile with the eye crinkle that always made her heart melt, as he took the box from her and gathered her hands into his other hand. With Noah nestled comfortably between them playing with the Santa hat that he had tired of wearing and subsequently removed, Brian took a deep breath and began to speak. He had practiced a speech but now it all seemed too formal and flowery, so instead he just spoke from the heart.

"Liv, I've known since our first night together sixteen years ago that I wanted to make you my wife. But the timing was never right. We wanted different things out of life, we drifted apart, and then when we finally were on the same page, a whole bunch of really bad stuff happened to us, stuff outside our control. I have come so close to losing you so many times. I don't think I could survive if I lost you again. I knew when you asked me to move back in here I wasn't gonna blow my—what is it—third chance. I've actually been planning this since then. I was just waiting for a sign from you that you wanted this as much as I do. And there were plenty of little signs over the past few months but last week when you made that comment about how Noah was growing up so fast and before we knew it we'd be dropping him off at his first day of kindergarten I finally knew for sure that you definitely envision me in this for the long haul. At least I hope I read that right."

Brian paused for a moment, building up to his big question, pleased to see that Olivia was smiling back at him.

Olivia wanted to take the opportunity to cut in and tell him that of course he had read the signals right. That while her comment wasn't made intentionally to get him to propose, it was true that in her mind there was no version of her future that didn't include Brian. But this was his moment, so she stayed silent and happily waited for what was to come next.

Rubbing his thumb lovingly over the back of Olivia's hands, he continued with a chuckle, "And I know this isn't the most romantic proposal in the history of proposals but it just felt right. You, me, and Noah, sharing this moment together as a family, just like how I hope we'll spend the rest of our lives. So Olivia Benson, would you do me the honor of becoming my wife?"

Olivia took a moment to let Brian's words set in, the love conveyed in them bathing her in a comfortable warmth. A proposal was the last thing she was expecting from Brian tonight but that didn't mean it was an unwelcome surprise. If Olivia was honest with herself she had been secretly hoping that Brian would soon initiate the next step in their relationship. After all, not counting the brief two month separation, they had been together for two and half years already. Plus neither of them was getting any younger and she loved Brian. Like really, truly, "share the last piece of cake, tell him her deepest, darkest secrets, spend the rest of their lives together", loved him.

When she and Brian had first hooked back up during the Bart Ganzel/Delia Wilson case, Olivia had been afraid it was just a liaison of convenience for both of them. They were both needy, longing for someone to share the cold, lonely nights with, someone that would make them feel good about themselves. But she quickly realized that reconnecting with Brian was like finding a long lost favorite pair of jeans at the back of the closet while searching for clothing to donate to the women's shelter—a little worn around the edges but still a perfect fit.

Her silence was making Brian slightly apprehensive, much the way Cragen's silence had only hours earlier. He had expected an immediate response. Not anticipating that she would have anything to think over. But Noah's one-sided conversation with himself and the soft voices on the tv were the only sounds in the entire apartment for what seemed like ages. Unable to take the quiet any longer, Brian attempted to get her attention. "Liv?"

"You're wrong, you know," Olivia finally answered, her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

"Huh?" A puzzled frown replace Brian's hopeful smile. Wrong about what? Her hints at a shared future? Had he really read her signals wrong? Had Cragen been fooled too? Was Olivia not interested in marriage at all, or just not with him?

Before Brian could travel any further down the road of self-doubt, Olivia continued. "You were wrong that your proposal wasn't romantic enough. This was the perfect proposal Bri—definitely worth the wait. I love that you included Noah. After all, we are a package deal. And the answer is yes. Yes, I will marry you. Yes, I will become Mrs. Brian Cassidy."

"Really?" Olivia watched as relief washed over Brian's features and a sparkle crept back into his eyes.

"Really. You're stuck with me forever." Olivia leaned forward and captured his lips in a soft, sensual kiss, as the tears cascaded down her cheeks.

"That is not a problem," Brian mumbled against her lips, a few tears of his own intermingling with Olivia's as their cheeks touched.

When they broke apart, she planted a few kisses on the top of Noah's head before holding out her left hand, waiting patiently for Brian to slide the beautiful ring onto her slender finger.

It was a perfect fit. Olivia held up her hand, smiling over how her hand felt just the slightest bit heavier. She admired the way the diamond sparkled brilliantly as the light reflected off the many facets. "You did a good job, Bri," she murmured.

"I thought it looked like you. I was hoping you'd like it," he replied, gently stroking the side of her face.

"It's perfect. Just like this entire night. I don't think I even need any presents tomorrow. I got all I need tonight," Olivia answered, a peaceful sigh escaping her lips.

"Me too. Me too," Brian agreed whole-heartedly.

"But I am looking forward to watching this little guy open all his gifts," he added with a chuckle.

Olivia nodded her head in agreement, grinning widely as she plucked the little boy from Brian's lap and snuggled him tight against her chest. Noah's eyelids were already starting to droop and she knew it wouldn't be long before he was dreaming of flying reindeer and jolly elves. Pulling her legs up on the couch, she leaned back against Brian's chest, relaxing as he draped his arm around her shoulder and rested his chin atop her head. Yes, she thought to herself, this was exactly where she belonged. She reached up and grabbed ahold of Brian's hand and gave it a tender squeeze, successfully conveying that message to him without needing to utter a single word.

While "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" played softly in the background, the happy family snuggled together on the couch, not moving until long after Noah had fallen fast asleep, soft snores escaping through his tiny nose. Only when "It's a Wonderful Life" was halfway over and their own eyes were threatening to close, did Olivia and Brian rise from their spots on the couch. Noah would be awake bright and early and they still needed to finish playing Santa. So together the still elated but sleepy couple walked Noah to his bedroom and settled him in his crib, before hurriedly setting out all of his presents and climbing into bed themselves. They fell asleep wrapped in each other's arms, smiles that refused to fade still plastered across their faces, dreaming of all the fun they would have with Noah tomorrow as well as the amazing life that lay before them.


End file.
