Mass Effect 1. Chapter 1

So I woke up this morning, not in the conventional way you might think, there was no alarm, well not a clock radio anyhow, there was no hug from the man I love, no sleepy transition from the dream world to real life, I awoke to the sound of gunshots.

Explosion, followed by shouting, the shot of a pistol, some more shouting, these were all echoing throughout a facility I had no knowledge of. Now most people would think this kind of wake up call a little unusual, a little scary perhaps, even frightening, but to me, Commander Anya Shepard, it was just another normal day at the office.

The ironic thing is I knew that I really shouldn't be alive, the last thing I remembered clearly was an alarm of a different sort, one I would recognise conscious or not, one that even thinking about now, caused a sinking feeling in the very pit of my stomach. The alarm I was remembering was the Normandy's alarm, signalling danger, my ship in danger and with it my crew, I remember the Normandy exploding, I remembered.... yes, I remembered dying.

For a split second there was a lull in the noise, maybe there wasn't a lull, maybe I just stopped listening, I don't know, but in the quiet, forgotten sounds fading to memory like my thoughts of my ship, my crew, something else occurred to me, maybe _this_ was heaven. There was even a bright light, but I wasn't moving towards it, I felt cold, I was pretty sure heaven shouldn't be cold, and the light, I figured it shouldn't have been stabbing at my eyes through my eyelids..... Another explosion made the room shake

Ok, definitely not heaven then and definitely not dead, surely death shouldn't hurt this much.

A strangely familiar voice I couldn't put a name to interrupted over an intercom,

"Wake up commander."

"Shepard do you hear me? Get out of that bed, this facility is under attack."

Slowly I opened my eyes. Trying to focus on something in the stark white room was difficult, I could make out that there was lots of medical equipment but the brightness was still overwhelming. Instinct took over, the cacophony of sounds became more distinct, my eyes started to clear, I reacted, this was what I had been trained for.

Pushing against the cold surface of the medical gurney I tried to sit in an upright position, searing pain shot across my ribcage and my face ached. Opening my mouth, I moved my jaw paying attention to the aches and pains it caused. I felt round the sore patches both on my face and my body, I was accustomed to pain, fighting through it was what I did, but this was different. I ached worse than the first session in basic training when I had taken a biotic kick to the chest. I had new wounds, yet I had absolutely no Idea where they came from, they were stinging as my movements pulled on the fresh scars.

Another second passed and the voice sounded again.

"Shepard your scars aren't healed, but I need you to get moving, this facility is under attack."

What the hell was going on here, who was this woman? Grimacing in pain, I rolled from the gurney and automatically fell into a protective crouch. My mind was awash with images past and present, the sudden movement disorientated me, leaving me feeling dizzy and sick.

The instructions continued.

"There's a pistol in the locker on the other side of the room. Hurry!"

"Grab the pistol and the armour from the locker.

"You don't have time to wait around Shepard! Grab your weapon and armour."

Shaking my head I tried to clear the fog that numbed my senses, I found myself grasping my torso as I made for the locker, it felt like my insides were going to spill out from wounds that seemed barely healed. What had happened to me?

As I threw on my armour, a quick startled look revealed that it was in fact my armour, or at least very close to it. I put it on as quickly as I could manage, the snug fit of the chest plate was comforting, it felt like an old friend, wrapping around me in a secure embrace. With the thought of things familiar, my mind drifted over the events leading to this moment.

I saw Space, it was my home, had been since I was a child, I'd grown up on space craft, it was a place of beauty, so many regarded it as a place of great emptiness, but to me it was teaming with life, planets waiting to be explored, stars twinkling endlessly against their dark backdrop, but it was also the place where I had died. I remembered floating or maybe drifting would be a better word, my breath caught in my chest as I relived my death, it was all clear, the pain, the worry for my crew, the feeling of failure as I watched the Normandy, the final explosion, I remembered suffocating, my suit venting air, struggling but being helpless to stop it. I had gone back for Joker, I had ordered Kaidan to leave without me, the sick feeling returned to the pit of my stomach.

What had happened to Joker? What had happened to Kaidan?

"Those canisters by the door are going to blow! Get behind cover now!"

Again more a reaction than a considered response, sent me diving for the nearest cover, a sturdy looking medical cupboard, the dive turned to a stumble but it did the job, I managed to cover my head before the canisters by the door blew. My mind couldn't process what was happening, lucky for me I seemed to be running on autopilot. One thought kept repeating in my head, what happened to Kaidan? Why wasn't he here?

I examined the pistol, no clips. Funny how even empty, I felt more secure with a weapon in my hand.

More gunshots, getting closer.

Right, I didn't have time for this, I shook the memories from my confused mind, I needed ammo. I ran from my makeshift cover, with my muscles starting to loosen it was becoming easier to move, I found myself ducking in and out of cover, second nature to my military trained body. As I approached a fallen mech I could see a clip lying on the floor, without thinking I felt the familiar tingling as my biotics engaged and I pulled the clip towards me using my mind. The familiar blue glow on my skin caught my eye and I twisted my hand in front of me for a moment giving a little mental push, I watched the clip levitate above my hand.

This brought two distinct memories to the forefront of my mind, they were recent yet distant all at the same time, it was confusing, like watching them play out on two different screens, both playing simultaneously but unable to focus on either. My fight against Saren played on one screen, flickering through events so fast that I could only see occasional still images, then the events leading up to the attack on the citadel, a blur of all I had done and the people that had helped me in my quest to save the universe, culminating in the broken form of Saren levitating, with the same faint blue glow, in the Citadel garden where I had delivered the biotic push that had ended his artificially prolonged life. The other, a man covered in the same blue glow during a night of pure bliss, the night before Ilos, then just his face, his expressions changed, the locations varied the words he said indistinct and hard to make out, but his smile was there, his frown, the nervous face he pulled when he thought he'd stepped out of line, the man I loved.

A whisper slipped from my mouth "Kaidan."

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, my job was to destroy the Reapers, my reason to keep fighting clear. Centring myself, I released my breath at the same time as I released the charge that had been building inside the core of my being. This time the blue glow surrounded my entire body as the biotic barrier formed around me.

This was it, regardless of where I was, or what had happened, I knew what I had to do. Reloading my pistol and charging my biotics I opened the door and stepped out into the facility.


	2. Chapter 2

The walk back to the ship seemed longer than it had on my arrival at the Citadel. I don't know what I had been thinking. That the Alliance would welcome me back? That the council would have started their preparations against the Reaper threat? Maybe my friend Anderson would be pleased to see me? Deep down I knew that this would never happen, but I had hoped, hoped that maybe ........

I stopped my head from shaking in disappointment.

Suddenly I could hear the words my mother had told me when I took my first command post,

'Remember, never let your crew see your emotions, remain calm and confident, they will follow you anywhere if they believe you are in control.'

She was right, of course she was right, I looked up and concentrated on pushing my melancholy down into myself where no one could see, I was Commander Shepard, I wasn't allowed to feel lost.

Garrus walked slightly off to my left, the only other person I had taken with me, someone I trusted and someone whom Anderson would recognise.

"I don't know what you expected Shepard, the Alliance has never..."

I cut him off, not wanting him to voice the conclusion I was already trying to push out of my head,

"We had to give them the chance Garrus, at least they've given us permission to pursue the missing colonists."

"But we don't need their permission, we're working with Cerberus now." As always Garrus sounded impatient, the thought of righting wrongs clouding his better judgement.

As I turned my face towards him, I composed my expression so that it wouldn't betray the distain I felt at the words he had just uttered but my own words came out sharper than I had intended.

"Only until we get the job done and only then because we need to help those people!"

Garrus knew how I felt about Cerberus, he had been there when we discovered their failed experiments, seen the mauled unit of marines they had lured into the Thresher Maw nest, watched as we retrieved the murdered body of Admiral Kahoku. He had listened to the logs detailing their cruel disregard for their unknowing test subjects, human and alien, he knew I struggled to work with them, to be associated with them. I refused to do their bidding, I had vowed from the start that I would disrupt their operations at every opportunity and I had told The Illusive Man that to his face, regardless of what they had done to bring me back, I would never become their puppet and Garrus knew this.

"I know Shepard, I just thought Anderson might ........."

This time the sigh passed my lips, but my voice was softer, in someways Garrus was like a child, he only saw the outcome he wished to achieve, never the harm that the actions along the way could cause,

"He has no choice Garrus, two years is a long time and all they see is that I'm working with Cerberus now."

I turned my head to hide the pain on my face, Garrus took my silence to mean that the conversation was over and I did nothing to reinstate it.

Every time I had to think about exactly how long it had been since I ......since I had died, my stomach twisted, so much was not as it had been, not as it should be. Occasionally I even allowed myself to hope, but two years was a long time and my meeting with Anderson had brought that home like a bullet to the gut.

I knew why I had gone to see Anderson and as much as I tried to convince myself that it was to contact the Alliance, it shamed me to admit the truth, the only reason I went back was to find out where Kaidan was. I suspected that Anderson knew about Kaidan and I and was probably expecting my question before I had uttered the words. What I hadn't expected was Anderson's tight-lipped response. The Alliance was my life, both he and I knew that, to be shut out by them hurt, to be told that the council still didn't believe me hurt but to find out I couldn't contact my crew, _my_ Kaidan. To find out that my close friend, the man who had defied the Alliance and the council, risking everything for me, now couldn't trust me because I was with Cerberus, it the final blow to my already shattered soul.

As we entered the Normandy I nodded at Garrus to take his leave, he responded with a nod in my direction. I contemplated going to speak to Joker but wasn't in the mood to face his quips, instead I made my way to the rear of the ship. I nodded and smiled at the crew as I passed, my face bearing the look I had practised a million times in the mirror whilst training to be an officer. They looked at me with admiration, returning my polite smile with cheerful smiles of their own, not suspecting the dark cloud lingering within. I inclined my head at any who made eye contact, hoping my eyes didn't reflect the hollowness I was feeling inside.

I nodded at Kelly as I passed her terminal, holding my hand up as she opened her mouth to speak, then gesturing to my armour to indicate that I wanted to get changed first. Kelly nodded although seemed gazed at me for a minute, seemingly probing my countenance. I smiled politely and continued to the elevator, she seemed nice enough but I still didn't trust her. The elevator doors closed behind me, it was hard to explain the feeling and I told myself I was being ridiculous but instinct told me to be wary, I half-smiled at my own paranoia, the thought of Kelly being a danger to anyone seemed ludicrous.

The doors to my cabin opened and I looked across the large room. The fish tank cast and eerie glow in the darkened room, it seemed fitting considering my mood. Once again my military mind scoffed at the waste of space and money but a tiny part of me enjoyed the comfort it offered. Stripping off my armour, I relaxed my composure, losing the forced smile from my face and allowing the sigh I'd been holding in to escape, I let myself feel the sadness I'd been keeping at bay since my meeting with Anderson. Without even realising it I drifted over to my desk and sat staring at the picture on my desk for what must have been the thousandth time.

I ran my finger along the jaw line of the man's face in the picture,

"Kaidan" I don't even know if I said his name out loud or not but the action had become a ritual for me.

"Where are you?" I could feel my eyes prickling with tears,

"Why did you leave me?"

Of course I knew that he hadn't left me, I had left him, it may not have been my choice but I had left him. I had died and two years later, now that I was back, I had no idea where he was, physically or emotionally. He was the love of my life and I had lost him, there was nothing I could do about it, he had probably moved on, I doubted he even thought about me anymore and that twisted at my insides.

The tears escaped and flowed freely down my face now, not in anguished sobs but with the quiet, unbearable feeling of loss. The loss of everything that meant anything to me.

Holding the frame in both hands, my thumb lightly traced across the picture. Wiping away the tears from my cheek with the back of my hand and gently replaced the picture on to the desk. I rested my chin on my hands and gazed at the picture.

It was some time later when Joker's voice came though over the intercom, the sudden loudness in the quiet startling me.

"Commander Shepard?"

Clearing my throat I replied my voice clear despite the tears I had so recently shed.

"Yes Joker?"

"The Illusive Man wants to speak to you in the briefing room Commander."

"Did he say what it was about?"

"Some new intel Commander, something about a colony called Horizon."

I had no idea where Horizon was but if it was a colony it meant it had either just been hit or The Illusive Man had finally found a way to predict the attacks.

"Aye Joker, I'm on my way."

As I stood to make my way to the briefing room I cast one last look over my shoulder at the picture of Kaidan on my desk.


End file.
