Downton Abbey 1. Part 1 Mary

**Part 1 - Mary**

Such a commotion! They just intended to have a nice dinner and a pleasant evening, but then half the guests seemed to turn suddenly ill. Not that Mary had much joy in listening to Matthew's and Lavinia's euphoric wedding preparations, and being remembered that she would soon be wed to Richard did not help to lift her spirits. Also the whole affair about Sybil and Branson was not a happy theme for conversation. But then the sudden sicknesses, first Mr Carson, then her mother, then Mr Molseley, and now also Lavinia. There was lots of concern and worrying, but luckily Dr Clarkson came over and took care of all the sick, calmed down the healthy, and made them realize that there couldn't be much more done than tend for the one's in need and wait what time would bring. Still a knot lingered in her stomach, she was afraid of the outcome of this.

Everyone seemed to disappear to somewhere, Clarkson and Cousin Isobel to check on Mr. Carson, Mrs Hughes followed them, and god knows where the others went to in this huge house, there was certainly much and many to care about.

Mary was passing along the corridor to the gallery, when she heard music being played from the phonograph Lavinia had brought over the other day. Curiously, she stepped to the balustrade of the balcony and peered down into the great hall. What she saw from up above was Matthew, standing at the table with the music device, with his back to her, browsing through the disks.  
For some moments she allowed herself to watch him in his black dinner jacket, standing so tall and upright, which itself was a miracle - besides the actual ability to walk again, for which he still had to use his stick that was leaning against the table.

She remembered the sorrowful times, when she was in constant fear for his life while he was at the front, so concerned about his health and his sanity after he had been wounded. They had spent much time together, she nursing him back to health and trying to keep his mind away from his burden. Terrible as those times had been, she had felt so close to him, like never before, and she was very grateful for every moment. But now so much had changed. He was again independent after recovering, and became so foreign to her as he continued on with his plans with Lavinia. A new life, which would not include her. The realization hit her and she leaned back at the wall, considering for a moment what to do. The music went on and she could make out the lyrics. They were about not to lose hope in the darkest of times. She always had tried to do so, but now, all hope seemed to be lost. She took some breaths to calm herself down.

Then she stepped down the stairs, which were already decorated with flower garlands for the wedding, intending at least talk to him to drive away that feeling of estrangement. He seemed to be preoccupied with his own thoughts and had not noticed her yet, maybe he also had not heard her footsteps, muffled by the big soft carpet.

"Where is everyone?" she asked him, to announce her presence and not to startle him.

He looked up from the disks he was studying. He put them back to the table while she was approaching him and turned to her.

"Not sure. Cousin Violet's gone home."

"What about you?" she asked.

"Waiting for Lavinia and Mother", he replied, glancing upstairs.

"Dr Clarkson wants Lavinia to stay here. He'll see her tomorrow."

Mathew nodded understanding and approvingly.

"I don't know this one", she pointed to the gramophone. She felt some awkwardness coming up and she wanted their conversation to go on. Her voice sounded thin in her ears, and she had felt some discomfort emanating in his speech.

"Actually, I rather like it. I think it's from a show that flopped. 'Zip goes a Million' or something." he gave a small embarrassed snort, and a weak grin was playing around his mouth.

Then something happened, she had not expected at all. He stretched out his right hand, took one swaying step towards her and lifted his left arm as well. He actually asked her to dance with him! Mary took a deep breath and looked down for a moment to regain her composure. Then she put her right hand in his outstretched one, her fingers closing around his, and she laid her other arm onto his shoulder. Though she was wearing long satin gloves, she felt almost as if she touched him skin-to-skin, as she had so many times before, when she held his hand, comforted him and dressed his wounds. But now she could only touch him according to the rules of propriety. Which didn't allow for much.

He put his right hand on her back, leading her to a slow dance. The touch sent shivers through her body, she could feel the warmth of his fingers through the thin silk fabric of her dress. She was surprised how right it felt, to be hold by him, her two bodies like two pieces of jigsaw, fitting together perfectly.

"Can you manage without your stick?" feeling a bit perplexed that he actually could dance after his grieve injury. It was a bit wobbly, right, but he moved in the beat of the music which overplayed it perfectly. She could almost think it was a scene from her lost dreams, dancing with Matthew, the one she loved, in her own home, with a fire in the fireplace, to romantic music. But it was not. He was not hers to be, he had chosen Lavinia.

"You are my stick" he replied, though she did not feel as if he had to lean on her. "Mmh" she made as if in return to a joke, but she was not sure if it was meant as a joke.

"We were a show that flopped", she remarked sarcastically, trying to remind him and her that it could not be, but trying to make it sound airily, as if she would not care anymore. But she cared. A big deal. But that he should not know, his new life just within his grasp. She forced a smile onto her face.

That made him fall apart. "Oh God, Mary", he whispered hoarsely, turning his cheek to hers to be closer to her. His voice was thick with a pain, that she also felt soaring through her. "I'm so, so, sorry". She was stunned, and first could not do anything than continue to dance in their rhythm. His feelings must have been so close to the surface, so that his barriers would break down so fast, but she had not noticed it. "Do you know, how sorry I am?"

She shook her head, trying to keep the distance and not being dragged away from the emotional balance she had just found and she was desperately clinging to. "Don't be, it wasn't anyone's fault. And if it was, it was mine..." she tried to make her voice sound cool and firm for both their sake.

"You know, cousin Violet came to me and told me to marry you". That made her look up surprised, and their glances met for a second.

"When was this?" she asked, still trying to keep it casual, though this news gave the whole conversation an all different direction.

"A while ago. When we knew, I could walk again."

"Classic Granny…" she felt her composure slipping away. "What did you say?" she could still add, and managed to make it not sound too eager, at least she hoped so.

"That I couldn't accept. Lavinia has made the sacrifice of her life. Her children, her future. And then give her the brush-off when I was well again. Well, I couldn't, could I?" She heard deep desperation in his voice.

It almost sounded like a real question to her, not a rhetorical one. Already this possibility, that he was actually considering to break off with Lavinia, was so unlike him. He was always a dutiful person, and that used to be more important to him than his own fulfilment. Even if he wanted her. And even if she also still wanted him, as he must have learned from Granny that night.

"Of course not!" she confirmed weakly out of a reflex, not willing to tell him her true feelings, which would lead to something that she could not anticipate, but with all the complications attached, it could not be as splendid and pure as they would wish it to be and would just lead to more pain.

"How ever much I might want to"... now he was telling her that, just before his wedding... when his fiancée was sick in bed... And all the while she had thought he was happy with his decision.

"Absolutely not..." She was at a loss for words. This was not the Matthew, she knew from before. But he had changed, in the war, living with his disability. They all had changed. And he actually had considered her over his honour, his obligations, the choice they were all stuck with. She was also flabbergasted, that there actually might have been a real chance for the two of them, earlier on, without her noticing it, because he had not let her know his doubts. But there was no way for them, unless they would break all rules.

_Oh Matthew... you must pay no attention to the things I say..._

She looked up and their eyes locked. And then their lips met, their bodies naturally attracted beyond all intentions of their will. It was so sad, like living the possibility which could have been, for just one moment. And it was also so beautiful at the same time, so right. She could feel they were meant to be, she knew it in her heart. She put her hand on his chest, and wished she did not wear a glove, and he no suit. Wished so much, that they could be together, for more than just one stolen moment. It was a long moment, they had stopped dancing and stood still, but still it felt as if the world would spin around them, they being the one and only fixed thing in the universe, their bodies, their souls as one.

But the end of this moment came to fast. Lavinia's voice broke it.

**A/N: - I'm so excited! I am quite new to ff, this being the first piece I ever wrote about DA and consider ok for the world to see it. I hope it is appropriate.**

**I wrote the same scene also from Matthews and Lavinias perspective and if I get the impression that someone would like to read that, I will add them later. So please review and comment! *looking around anxiously***

**Edit: thanks for the reviews so far! I misunderstood some lines when I watched it, so I fixed that. The rest will be up soon!  
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	2. Part 2 Matthew

**A/N**

_sorry that it took so long! Thanks soooo much for the comments on part 1! Here comes part 2. Please tell me what you think about it. I try to be in canon, but I find it a bit difficult to understand Matthews motivation (besides that he looooooves Mary and obliged to Lavinia). But I guess that's up for personal interpretation anyways...**  
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**Part 2 - Matthew**

He was shocked when Lavinia suddenly declared her ill-being at the dinner table. Mary must have watched her very closely while he did not even notice it. He was grateful that she took the initiative and offered that Lavinia could lay down a bit in her room. At a loss for words he stood up, but didn't know what he could do, so he just watched them leave the room, Mary supporting Lavinia. He felt it was weird, that Mary and Lavinia were so close, Mary could have well been his wife, and now she was so friendly towards his fiancée. He had to admit, he would have expected otherwise from her, especially if she still had any love for him. That could just mean, she was over him, being so easy with Lavinia and their wedding all around. The other possibility, if she wasn't, she must feel completely tormented deep inside.

His first reaction after Cousin Violet hat opened up to him that Mary was still in love with him, was that of denial. He had seen no signs at all, had he? True, just after his injury, he had seen all sort of things in her eyes, especially when she thought he did not watch her: from compassion, to fear, hope, despair to sorrow and sometimes he thought he saw something like pain, mirrored from his own anguish. But he was so self-absorbed at that time... And during his recovery them spending time together became just normal and he had thought of it as an act of friendship. She was the only person he felt safe to confide in and having around during his way back to something like a normal life, and he was glad for it, and that they were on friendly terms again. And then, when Lavinia returned and overwhelmed him with her sheer unwavering persuasion, to stay and care for him, he did not realize any big change in Mary's behavior than just a slight pullback. After a while, he was grateful that Lavinia was still by his side. His first reaction, when he sent her away was a bit harsh after all, and when the time went by he had somewhat accepted his fate and was less bitter about it. He had hated it at first, that she had come back and did not respect his wishes which were for her own good, but he could not make himself send her away a second time. He was so lonely, and the prospects of spending his life alone, just with some servants to care for his basic needs, (oh what a contrast to his former, independent life before the letter of Robert had arrived to make him _the_ _heir_) deemed very hopeless and sad. It might have been a bit selfish, but at least it seemed he could bring some happiness to Lavinia's life, if it was giving her joy to be with him. At the same time he could relieve Mary of her burden to care for him and set her free for her future live with Sir Richard. So he and Lavinia went on with their original plans, and the further they went on, the more he thought that Mary just stepped aside to let the role of nurse and confident gladly to Lavinia.

He had not observed Mary's reaction during his demonstration of the regain of the control of his legs, and also not during his announcement, that he and Lavinia still wanted to get married, but obviously Cousin Violet had. He was touched by her meddling, and she seemed so totally sure about Mary's affection to him, but he could not right believe what he heard. Maybe he did not want it to be true, since it would turn it all over again, and he was just so happy that he got his life back, and Lavinia to share it with. Also, after all Mary was still engaged to Richard, and even if he seemed to be quite rude to her, she did not break her engagement. The only thing he realized was that she was very cold lately when the topic of her marriage came up and she never showed any tender sentiments, especially when Sir Richard was around.

But when time passed by, he could not help but wonder and was trying to find out if there was any truth to Cousin Violets claims. And though he was busy with his own recovery and swept away with the wedding preparations, observe he did. He could not conclude, but then Mary was very skilled in hiding any emotions she did not want the world to know. And it was not just the business if Mary loved him, the question also arose if he still loved her. He cared a big deal about her, but had been gravely disappointed when she had not hastened to marry him after he hat proposed to her. Her caring for him when he was injured so badly almost made him forget that disappointment, but not completely.

That evening, of the dinner, the wedding coming nearer so fast, he felt like an unstoppable train was racing towards him. He could not take a break to think it all through, without raising suspicion and pain for Lavinia. Could he just continue in the tracks he found himself in or did he need to be absolutely sure that it was the right way? He half wished and half feared for an opportunity to catch Mary alone, but when at last it presented it to himself, he lost all determination he might have had before.

He did not want to stand in the way when everybody was running about to care for the sudden victims of the flue. He could not help much with is still feeble body and few medical knowledge. So he wandered around alone to kill the time, hoping that at least his mother could help. He checked out the gramophone, which was a quite interesting piece of technology and put on some music.

"Where is everyone?" Mary's voice cut through him. For an instant he froze, but he managed to keep his countenance and turned towards her. Before he was seated on the other side of the dinner table, but now, as she was slowly coming closer and stopped at a respectful distance, he could behold her better. She looked so utterly stunning in the simple, but elegant dress of midnight blue silk with black lace, her bare shoulders pale, but perfectly shaped, long black gloves to add just the required amount of decency. Her dark brown hair was done up perfectly and it was shining like silk in the lamplight. While he was trying to keep the conversation going, being glad, that Lavinia was taken care of, he longed so much to touch her. The only way he could was to dance with her, and he held his breath in anticipation if she would accept. He tried to ignore the thought that in three day's time he would dance a wedding waltz with his future wife...  
When Mary took his hand, jolts shot through his arm and he was wondering if his weak legs would support him any longer. But they did, and he found a slow and steady pace to move in the rhythm of the music. He was as pleased as Mary it seemed.  
"You are my stick" he retorted on her inquiry if he could manage. And it was so true. Where would he be now when she had not helped him out of his misery...

"We were a show that flopped" she remarked on his previous chatter. Why would she say that now? Reminding him at this moment that they had not been able to seize the chance they had been offered? It all could have turned out so different, if only he had not withdrawn from her. If only he had not assumed, she did not want him. If he had not been to proud. If only he had tried to show her his feelings earlier. If only he had believed in her, had faith in her. If he had recognized her devotion to him as the love she must feel, and her taking the distance as a means of self-protection. If only... "Oh god, Mary..." he blurted out, seeing clearly how he himself had ruined their chance, how he had hurt her, again and again. "I'm so, so sorry". She must have endured and suffered so much by his denial, his ignorance of his own feelings. "Do you know how sorry I am?".

"Don't be, it wasn't anyone's fault. And if it was, it was mine..." she tried to play down his emotional outburst and did not let him take the blame. She was still trying to stay on firm ground.

He decided to put his cards on the table. He could not bear this ambiguity any longer. He wanted to tell her everything, not to leave the shadow of a doubt for her, she could hide behind. It was now or never. He told her about Cousin Violets revelation, about his dilemma, how he was torn by his sense of duty and that he was involved too deeply to make up his mind. The words just poured out of his mouth.  
"I couldn't, could I... However much I might want to..." and in this instance he clearly knew he wanted to be with her, had done so for a very long time and had never really stopped.

"Absolutely not..." she whispered, but when he looked into her brown eyes, wide open, he saw that she meant to say something else. But she did not need to say anything, it was all there in her glance. A surge of happiness went through him. He had survived the war, he was well, he loved her and she loved him. Nothing else mattered for this moment. He felt her body shiver, looked into her sad brown eyes - and he kissed her. It was almost like their very first kiss, so long ago. It was as if all the despair, the confusion and pain of the years between these two kisses were swept away as if they had never existed. His heart clenched and he wanted to stay in this one bittersweet moment forever. She put her hand onto his chest. The touch felt so lightly as if from a feather, but it made his pounding heart miss a beat or two.

"Hello?" a familiar voice called out and he froze. He let loose of Mary and staggered to the side away from her, just in time when Lavinia stepped around the corner of the stairs. Had she seen? She must have seen, it must have been on public display from the galleries. Guilt and embarrassment rushed through him, clouding his ability to think clearly.  
"What are you doing up?" he tried to make his voice sound pleasing and worried for her and was struggling to appear normal, just in case she was unknowing of his transgression.  
"Shouldn't we be getting back?"  
Luckily Mary's mind was working a bit quicker than his. "It's decided, you're staying here. Dr Clarkson is coming in the morning, so he can treat all of you together. You can borrow some things until Matthew brings you what you need... I'll go and organize a room."  
She rushed away, leaving them alone.

Lavinia was now standing at the foot of the stairs, wrapping a soft beige shawl around her shoulders. Pangs of guilt still went through him and he tried block out his confusion. Later he could think about what just had happened. He saw she was upset and he cursed himself. How could he be so selfish? Why did he let himself go, when he still had promised to care for her, and also had a deep affection for her and was convinced until just now that she would be the one he wanted to marry? He knew that his feelings for her were far from being indifferent. He still did not know if he really could make himself break their engagement. He was troubled to see her stand around so forlorn and miserable and limped towards her, cursing the frailty of his body.  
"How do you feel?" he asked compassionate.  
"Like a nuisance."  
"You could never be that..." he smiled at her reassuringly.  
"I mean it, Matthew. Don't ever let me be a nuisance." If he had entertained any doubts about how much she had seen, now he was certain she _had_ seen just enough. "Don't ever let me get in the way. Please."  
He would have understood it, if she had lost her temper, made a scene and slapped him. Actually he had hoped for something like that, he had deserved that. But that was not like she was. He felt sickened by himself, for hurting the feelings of this kind, selfless woman, who was still caring about his happiness and did not show to be offended for being betrayed. As certain as he had been aware of his feelings for Mary a moment ago, he now realized he did not want to be this disgusting person he was on the verge of becoming.

The song had finished and static was coming out of the gramophone now.


	3. Part 3 Lavinia

**A/N: Here is the final part three, sorry for the delay. I really hope you like it and it would be so happy about reviews! Remember, it's my first piece of ff! Pleeeeese! (I know, I'm pathetic...)**

Lavinia

When she awoke from her nap, she was feeling a little bit better, but not quite so well as she had hoped. Her pounding head had come to a rest, but the dizziness prevailed and she felt unwell deep inside. Still she thought she was capable to get up and make her way home. It was better to be at her own - Matthews - house to spend the night. Though she was surrounded by the most possible luxury, staying in Mary's bedroom made her feel uneasy.  
Slowly she sat up and was waiting for any signs of nausea to show. But as there were none, she carefully put her legs out of the bed and to the floor and stood up. The dizziness made her sway, but it was still bearable. She made her way to Mary's washbowl and splashed a bit of water onto her face. A dressing table with a big gold-framed mirror stood beside the washing stand and she had a quick look inside. She looked paler than she already used to and strands of hair had come loose from her elaborate braiding and pinning. She tucked in the locks to look presentable and smoothed her black dress. On the back of a chair she found a shawl and wrapped herself in, because she was feeling terribly chilled.  
Though she looked almost normal, she felt that something was not right with her, but she could keep it together for a little longer. Determined to look for Matthew and get home as fast as she could, she strode out of the room.

She did not have to look for him long. She followed the tunes of music to the great hall and saw Matthew down there. Together with Mary, united in a slow dance. She did not want to pry, but she was mortified and could not avert her eyes. They looked so naturally together, so perfectly made for each other. Jealousy washed over her for an instant.  
But hadn't it always been this way? They had something going all the time, and a series of scenes flashed before her inner eye.

Matthew's embarrassed reaction when Isobel had found the lucky charm, which must have of course been a present from Mary.

Mary's presence at his sickbed that morning she arrived after being notified of Matthews bad injury. She had been with him while the Doctor was examining him, a very private moment, where a lady like her had no business to be, unless she played her influence. And the first look she had caught from her eyes, after Mary had noticed that she was here...

Mary taking fervently part for Matthew when the trouble with the would-be heir came up.

And further back, the glances that Mary shot at Matthew the first night they saw each other again at the concert in Downton Abbey, when she thought she would not be observed. Their obvious intimacy every time they were talking alone... Which just let her wish the both of them would never have the opportunity to be alone...

Suddenly she felt like an intruder. Matthew was not native to this place, but had grudgingly been accepted by now, but she was just the thorn in everyone's plans, which had involved Mary to marry Matthew and save the inheritance for her as it was just fair. They were all very amiable and friendly to her, even Mary, but that might be just because of respect for Matthew and because they couldn't do anything about it.

"You know, cousin Violet came to me and asked me to marry you." she heard his voice floating up to her. Lavinia's heart stopped. Heat flushed into her face and she had to deliberately calm down. This old crow surely hadn't...!  
For a second she was feeling triumph, because even if this had been a while ago, as Matthew explained, he must have decided to stay with her because he loved her, and not let them manipulate him. But as he continued, explaining that he just could not deny her sacrifice, that he only didn't break the engagement out of a sense of duty and honor, and she heard the desperation speaking out of his voice how trapped he must have felt with her, her whole world was smashed into a thousand shards.

Her legs threatened to give way beyond her, and she had to cling hard to the balustrade, crushing a delicate flower from the garland in her desperate grip. She had loved him! And he had loved her! This love was what had made her endure all of this, has made her bear the terrible possibility that he might be killed in the war, was the basis of her unfaltering devotion to care for him for the rest of his live without the benefits of a normal marriage. When he had regained his ability to walk, she was out of herself for joy and felt rewarded and assured of her place at his side. But all this time, he had never truly been hers. He had just been an empty shell for her dreams, an echo of the man she had met and fallen in love with. And already then, his heart must have belonged to Lady Mary, even though he might not have known this himself.

When they stopped dancing, exchanged a long look full of desire and kissed, a jolt of pain went through her and helped her come back to her senses. She could not bear to watch them. Should she just go away, hide like an injured animal and pretend to never have witnessed this scene? But she knew she would be haunted by the image of her beloved fiancé to kiss another one, haunted by the imagination what would happen next. Doubting Matthew in everything... No, she did not want to do this. But she also could not confront them right now. She tried to regain her composure and strode to the stairs.

"Hello?" she made herself heard and went slowly down the stairs to give them enough time to break apart. Every step an effort and supported by the railing, she approached them and stopped at the foot of the staircase. Both of them had positioned themselves next to the fireplace now, as if they just had shared some bit of innocent conversation and looked ashamed.

"What are you doing up?" Matthew exclaimed. Clearly he had not expected her...

She just wanted to get away from here. "Shouldn't we be getting back?"

Mary jumped in, explained in a fast manner of speaking, that she should spend the night and be examined by Dr Clarkson tomorrow morning. Then she went off to organize things, and also to give them some privacy. But Lavinia just didn't want that private word with Matthew. Not now.

Matthew's look now was worried and he walked slowly and with obvious discomfort to her, without going back for his stick. Though she was still upset, she believed in his genuine sorrow towards her. "How do you feel?" He asked. Suddenly she was feeling just sad. Sad for him. He had been through so much, and now it was her who was standing between him and his happiness.

"Like a nuisance" she got out, and she knew it was true. She tried to fight back her tears.  
"You could never be that." he tried to calm her. But she was, sad but true.  
"I mean it, Matthew. Don't ever let me be a nuisance. Don't ever let me get in the way, please." He would have to decide. But not now. Now she just wanted to be alone and rest. Trying to stop thinking about what she had just witnessed.

She allowed him to lead her to the empty library to wait for her room to be ready. His hand on her arm was sweaty and cold. She shivered.

END


End file.
