Mass Effect 1. Chapter 1: In the Wrong Direction

2186 - Earth

Rain pattered against the glass, drawing his gaze over to the window as he slowly opened his eyes, images blurring for a few seconds before everything cleared as if looking through a lens. His head throbbed mercilessly, his eyeballs felt stiff, and his limbs ached. He longed to crawl back into his bed and sleep some more, but that was an avenue he did not want to travel down just yet. Just a bit more time to build his courage and then he could face the blackness willingly.

From his vantage point, he could see the city of Vancouver stretched before him through the trickles of rain beading on the clear surface, the endless rows of skyscrapers spread out across the horizon. The tips of the buildings scratched the bottom of the cloud cover, shrouded in a mist that was difficult to permeate. The nearby bay was flat and grey, ripples moving from the wind and precipitation as it intruded upon the otherwise clear surface.

Shepard sighed and reached for the glass on the armrest next to him as he simultaneously ran his other hand over his scratchy face, figuring that he was due for a shave soon. Swirling the contents around for a bit, he raised the glass to his mouth and drained it in one gulp. The scotch burned as it went down his throat but he did not cough. Rather, he grimaced a little and sighed as the alcohol resonated throughout him. Three glasses down so far and the bottle was not even half done. There was plenty more where that came from so his limit appeared to be firmly established for the afternoon.

He repeated the process several more times until the room was noticeably spinning around him. He leaned back and grunted in relief as the plush chair depressed to accommodate his figure. It wasn't as comfy as his cabin on board the Normandy, but it came pretty damn close. Of course, it was not as stocked to the brim with booze as his confined room right now, oddly enough. Perhaps that was the one perk of being under house arrest or maybe it rather had to do with his reputation, seeing as he _was_ the Savior of the Citadel and that title surely allowed him some special consideration with regards to his current amenities. He didn't know why this circumstance was so fortuitous in his favor and frankly he didn't care, only that his stores were well loaded at all times was the one thing he had _left_ to care about.

Shepard did miss his old cabin though, as he scowled within his room. He missed the skylight where he could look up into space from his bed, he missed his large desk with all the room in the world to move about in, and he even missed that ridiculous fish tank that occupied one wall of his cabin. Still, you don't exterminate half a million colonists and not expect some consequences to arise from your actions. The first few days he had been confined here after the Alpha Relay incident, he could not stop cursing out everyone in sight, for all shared the blame in his eyes. Admiral Hackett, for sending him on that mission in the first place. Amanda Kenson, for screwing everything up. Garrus Vakarian, for simply existing. And Tali, for…

_I tried to save them…I tried my damnedest and look where that's got me._

House arrest, rank pulled, ship taken, the list read like a dossier of a disgraced war criminal. Although, Shepard had to concede that he was technically a criminal for what he did. History would judge him poorly for his decision, despite it being the right one. Shepard downed another glass as he glowered. _Fuck them all, they weren't there. So help me if they need me to save the galaxy for them again._

As Shepard slipped further into his haze, he could still feel the annoying pulsation of pain. His implants were flaring up again. This happened from time to time ever since it started back up six months ago. He thought that the side effect had been thoroughly kicked but it was more than obvious that it was now back in force. The doctors said that the pain had to do with his mental attitude and that he had to adopt a more positive outlook if he wanted the pain to stop. Easier said than done.

_Positive…yeah right._

Shepard shifted his weight on the chair but a headache from the scotch was now starting to rise up in addition to the burning from his implants. The alcohol was not doing anything to alleviate his discomfort so clearly more drastic measures had to be taken if this problem was to be rectified. Groaning, he got to his feet, hearing the pressed leather hiss as it was suddenly relieved of his weight, and stumbled over to the nearby dresser, miraculously not tripping and falling over his own feet. Considering how much crap he had already ingested today, that was truly an achievement.

His hand found the top drawer and slid it towards him. Plunging his other hand into his sock pile, he felt the cool plastic of the canister and withdrew it, blurred vision picking up on a hint of orange and white from the small object. Despite his inebriation, he quickly removed the child-safe cap and considered the contents before dumping two pills into his hand. It had gotten to the point where one produced no relief from his torment anymore. Two would mean that he would run through his stores quicker but he could always buy more if it came to it. Money was not a quality he was worried about these days.

He was about to search for a glass to fill with water when he remembered that he had just been using a glass and that any liquid would do, in theory. He stumbled back over to his chair, eyeing the golden liquid that lay inside. He spent all of two seconds wondering if it was a good idea to mix these pills with the scotch when laziness took over and he quickly popped the pills into his mouth, washing them down with the liquor immediately after.

Shepard coughed and sputtered, belching as his esophagus uncomfortably flared but the deed was now done. It would be at least ten minutes before the painkillers would start to take effect. Oxycodone was one of the more common forms of painkillers, most commonly known in its OxyContin form, despite it being a controlled substance. With the back-market dealers scrounging around in the military, obtaining these pills was not as hard an effort as the vids made it out to be. Shepard was actually still in the process of debating whether the oxycodone was effective enough in treating these implant flares, cautiously researching the effects of morphine as an alternative. Strong as oxycodone may be, there were still several stronger painkillers that could be utilized for his purposes, and the pain was only getting worse the more he lingered here.

The prospect of going with stronger drugs did seem more alluring to Shepard as time went on. The possibility that his physical pain could vanish entirely, rid him of his disturbing thoughts, sounded sweeter with each passing moment. Could he be able to cure himself of this disease, wipe away his past, give him a reason to not care anymore? Hell, even just overdosing one of these days did not sound as crazy as it used to. No one else had any right to judge, they had never been in his position before. What did _they_ know of the plight of Commander John Shepard?

_I just don't want to think anymore. Nothing else matters. Not the war…not the Reapers…not even Tali…_

He backed up a few paces and his luck finally ran out as his heels hit the edge of his bed, causing him to topple on his back onto the mattress. As he lay there, he could feel his extremities start to numb. It was like this these days, the first time he had started using he had felt like he was flying, now he just felt like deadweight floating in a pool. At least it was a comfortable deadweight, otherwise he would have been discouraged from using to begin with.

Shepard lay spread-eagled as the oxycodone flowed within him, calming his body and letting the pain from his implants steadily fade away. He knew all about the dangers of addiction, the lengths people go to in finding their own high. But that was all long term, for all he knew the Reapers could kill him tomorrow so why give a crap now? They could have finally found their way to Earth and blasted apart the building where he now lived at any second for all he knew, causing his flesh to melt as his bones blackened from the heat. Not a pleasant way to go but at least he figured it would be relatively quick. Alternatively, he could always save the Reapers the trouble and take care of that problem by himself as the resources to do so practically laid in his palm at the moment. That concept always vanished within the first few seconds of conception. Suicide was an ignoble option but what use was nobility when everything would soon be torn apart at the seams?

His thoughts on the matter vanished as a new memory, an unwanted one came to mind. He shut his eyes, desperate to drive out his tortured soul but the moment was experiencing itself more frequently, more assertively, as if it wanted to punish him for all of the sins he had performed in his life. The monster in his mind was awake yet again and Shepard knew what would come afterward.

Halfheartedly hoping for an overdose this time, he opened his eyes wide as his breath seemed to be sucked out of his lungs.

* * *

><p><span>Six months earlier – The Citadel<span>

Shepard checked the time on his chronometer. It showed nineteen hundred hours on the dot so that meant that it would be two more until the Normandy would depart for Earth, where he would begin his isolation as his reward for a job well done. Some victory this turned out to be, he got assurances from all his superiors for doing the right thing by destroying that goddamned relay and all he received was a one-way ticket back to Earth in chains.

What was this all for, appeasing the batarians? Conflict with that misguided society was inevitable, had Shepard been calling the shots he would have requested Khar'shan be nuked a long time ago. But no, for the price of three hundred thousand colonists, he now received his own private room at Alliance HQ back on the pale blue dot. Mission fucking accomplished, then.

After all this, in the blink of an eye, everything that he had worked for had been lost. The majority of his crew had left, unwilling to stick it out with Shepard in the clink by providing somewhat convenient excuses for their absence. That was funny, they all embraced the concept of a suicide mission with no worries but now the prospect of jail sent them scurrying? _Definitely the wrong team for the job._

At least he understood the reasoning for why Garrus had to back out, seeing as he had the opportunity to do good work back on Palaven. A good friend like Garrus would never leave Shepard willingly unless it was heavily weighted in his favor. That was fine, at least the turian was accomplishing something while he would be languishing in a room in the meantime. Had he a hint of motivation he would have gone down that elevator, stormed the CIC and taken the Normandy by force, departing for parts unknown and letting the Reapers exterminate everything behind him. What right did the Alliance to dictate his life in this manner, to ruin it at the whim of some four-eyed freaks? He could get rid of this problem, easily. He could just find another asteroid, tow it to Kite's Nest, level it at _that_ relay and watch the batarians disappear in a-

The door to his cabin hissed open and Shepard's eyes were drawn upward, a smile coming to his face naturally. Tali'Zorah vas Normandy, the ship's engineer, glided down the steps and gave him a quick hug. Shepard was pleased that she could be here right now, he needed someone to distract him from these poisonous thoughts.

Tali was a quarian, an alien in a blunt sense, but that in no way impacted on how Shepard viewed her. To most people, she was just someone trapped behind an enviro-suit, a sturdy black covering that prevented anyone from gazing upon their true forms as they hid behind their visors. Castaways that deserved the exile that they had received when they had meddled about with AI technology three centuries ago, the pariahs of the galaxy.

These points were ultimately lost on Shepard as Tali had been more than just a loyal member of his team that he had recruited all those years ago. She was a friend, and now she was his lover, after the both of them realized that they were more alike than they could have perceived. Finding solace in their aloneness at being abandoned by the people they trusted, they found comfort in the other and found the kinship that they had been seeking all their lives.

Before they embarked on the mission to the Collector base, Tali came to Shepard in the night and showed him her face behind the visor, the first time she had done that as an adult. Shepard knew that such a thing was a rare experience and he treasured the fact that she trusted him enough to show him what she truly looked like underneath. Later that night, they had made love, both pledging to the other to be together always. Intoxicated by desire and Tali's naked embrace, Shepard had felt a glimmer of hope for the first time, a feeling that had not been experienced since his resurrection.

Now, a far cry from being the meek pilgrim he initially knew her as, she stood before him, a woman full grown, alienness not dissuading him in the least. Shepard gently brushed his fingers along the back of Tali's purple hood, feeling the frayed fabric scrape along his skin as her enviro-suit made a crinkling noise as she pressed into his hug.

Almost immediately, he could sense that something was wrong. Shepard pulled away, frowning, as he detected a stiffness in Tali's limbs, and the fact that she had been gazing expectantly at him through her deep purple visor this whole time. Quarians relied on body language to convey their expressions to compensate for their difficulty in relaying their facial features, a habit that resulted in all of them practically wearing their hearts on their sleeves. Letting his hands trail from her back, to across her arms, to end up in the grip of her three-fingered hands, he felt concerned as Tali's eyes dipped down for a few seconds, now taken by shyness.

"Tali." He spoke her name softly. "How are you holding up?"

She sighed, the exhalation of breath seemingly making her wilt to half of her size. "I think I should be asking that of you." Tali rubbed a hand over his shorn hair. "Are _you_ okay?"

He forced himself to smile, a painful grin more like. "No, to tell you the truth, I'm not. I've got less than two hours before my life ends as I know it. I'm…I'm scared but I'm also pissed off, you know?"

Tali's shoulders drooped for a microsecond but perked up before Shepard could detect it. "I…" she considered thoughtfully, "I think I have an idea what you're talking about. You're mad because you have no control over everything anymore and that you should be treated better."

"Right!" he exclaimed as he sat down on the bed, Tali beside him. "And no matter what I do, there's nothing out there that can reverse this. I'm just so _helpless_ right now."

"Helpless? It sounds like you're more worried about going back to Earth than tackling the Collector base."

"Compared to this, the Collector base was a relatively straightforward mission," he laughed nervously. "Right now, I have no idea what I'm in for whereas with the Collector base I only had an inkling. Still, an inkling was better than nothing and this time I'm headed off without anything. I've lost my command, my ship, and most of my crew. I'm effectively naked at this point."

"Yeah…" she nodded worriedly. "Yeah…"

"But hey," Shepard shrugged, "It shouldn't be too bad. You'll be with me, right?" He looked over at Tali to find her suddenly glance away, as if she was terrified to look into his eyes. "…Right?"

Her fingers clenching the sides of the bed, Tali wished to the Ancestors that she would just wither and die right here and now. "John…" she began, "I wanted to tell you…but I've been putting it off so that I could spend as much time with you…"

_What the hell?_ "Tali, what is it?"

"It's…it's…" Unable to find the correct words, she hurriedly started typing in her omni-tool and soon Shepard heard his own device ping as he received a forwarded message. Opening it up, he scanned it a couple times before waiting to hear Tali's explanation on the matter.

Tali was still fumbling with her words, however. "I g-got this message a week ago. It-It's a notice recalling all quarians b-back to the flotilla…"

_No…no…_ Shepard's mouth was a flat line as he considered this information, mood getting more and more sour, yet willing himself to be more optimistic. "So…I take it that you being here means that you plan not to join up with your people, right?" _I swore to you that I would care for you, that I would protect you and love you. How is this even a tough decision right now?_

"John…I…" Tali's hands were now seemingly trying to physically manifest her words for she had none to offer from her mouth until she mustered the last of her courage. She could never imagine that what would be uttered would shatter all hope for John Shepard as he knew it. "I…can't refuse my people, John. I _have_ to go to them."

Shepard barked out a laugh in disbelief, perhaps a bit too loudly as Tali jolted from fright from him doing so. "And so you're just going to leave me like everyone else did? Leave me all alone just like Thane and Jack and Samara and everyone else on board this damn ship?!"

"N-N-N-No…" Tali stammered. "I don't want to leave you…"

"Then why go to your people now? Who do you have over there that cares for you as much as I do? I told you once, Tali, that you were more to me than a suit and a mask and I haven't changed my stance one bit. Is it because you feel like you made a mistake, that you can't bring it in yourself to love a serial killer, is that it? Is it because I murdered hundreds of thousands of civilians that you now view me as a monster for what I did?"

"That is not it!" Tali reached for Shepard's hands as she saw them involuntarily clench. "What you did with the Alpha Relay had to be done, you know it and everyone on this ship knows it! You did nothing wrong!"

"_Then why are you leaving me at all?!"_

Tali quickly withdrew her hands, holding them up in surrender. "John…this order came from the Admiralty board. If I fail to link up with the flotilla in time they will consider my tardiness an act of _treason_. They have declared a state of _war_, John, and they need everyone they can…"

Shepard was completely dumbfounded as he surged to his feet, standing over Tali as he watched her cower in fear, him not feeling anything in the slightest with regards for her fright at the moment. "You would rather choose the fleet who, need I remind you, _already_ accused you of treason for the purpose of requiring a scapegoat to justify them going to war. By the very idea that they have already declared an act of war it looks like someone got their wish without you helping them. They wanted to _use_ you Tali! They wanted to use you, despite you being a well-known member of the community, and then discard you to send a political message! You would rather go back to the people who tried to betray you or would you rather stay with me, someone who has always valued your individuality and respected you as a _person_?"

Shepard knelt down and gently gripped the quarian by the shoulders. Judging by the slight trembling from her body, it was apparent that she was crying. Choking around her sobs, Tali's words were almost unintelligible, "They…they _need_ me…"

"_I_ need you!" Shepard whispered, now lowering his voice so he wouldn't frighten her further. "I need you because you're the only thing keeping me together right now. Please…please don't _leave_ me…"

Tali stopped shaking abruptly as the words came out of his mouth. Tilting her head upward, it was clear that her choice was made and that all fear had been pushed aside. There were no more tears to be shed, only her hope that the man across from her would understand. He had to…he just _had_ to! "They…" she said slowly and somewhat regretfully, "They only did what they thought was best. They're my people, John, and I can't abandon them. I can do so much more good over there than here but I…"

Shepard's hands lifted off Tali's shoulders as if they had been burned. He walked backwards as astonishment passed over his face, followed by horror and disgust. "Fine," he muttered. "Fine. Go. Leave. Go back to your people then, if that's what you want. You would have done more good to me if you had chosen to stay but you didn't. Just get out of my sight."

"Please, you don't understand!" Tali begged. "Come _with_ me, sneak off the Normandy, you can make a difference on the flotilla-"

"No, _you_ don't understand! The Alliance's decisions, as flawed as they are, make more sense than another military body outright attempting to banish one of their own for a crime they didn't even commit! My duty is to remain here until called upon once more by _my_ people. That's my job and I will follow it, no matter how wrong I think it is."

"But…" Tali shook her head in disbelief, "Shouldn't that mean that my duty is with _my_ people as well?"

"To do what, become another scapegoat? You also had a duty to _me_, you know. I swore to protect you and love you and you swore the same thing. And what do you do? You went and chose your precious fleet over me so it's pretty clear what you think is more important."

Tali grasped for Shepard as she fell to her knees on the floor. "You _are_ important to me...I _love_ you, John. I love you…"

Shepard's face could have been set in stone for he gave no hint of forgiveness. "Obviously you didn't love me _enough_."

"Please…please don't push me away…"

"It's too late for that!" Shepard shouted. "You made your choice and now it's over!" He started waving at the door, causing her head to swivel back and forth in panic. "Go on! Get the hell out of here! It's over, so grab your things and _get off my damn ship!"_

"Don't…please…my love…"

"_GO!_" he screamed, kicking the edge of the table and letting a wineglass perched upon it topple off and shatter upon the ground, the noise frightfully loud in the confined area.

Terrified, she scurried off the floor as she began shaking violently, breath coming in short, panicked gasps. Tali shot up the small staircase, clutching herself in fear as she turned back to view the red-faced human fuming at her with hate. "If…if you ever loved me…you would understand…"

"If you ever loved _me_…" Shepard retorted, tears now starting to fill his eyes, "You would have stayed with me. Now get off before I call the guards to have you _thrown_ off. I don't want you here anymore." He wanted to stop himself so badly, he wanted to shout out how he didn't mean anything he said, that he would do anything to have her here, to fall upon his knees and tell her that he would rather _die_ than have her leave.

But, in perhaps his most foolish act of his life, he stood still and said nothing more.

Crying, Tali backed into the elevator, Shepard watching from afar. Sinking to her knees in the tiny metal box, she sobbed out, "You _bastard_."

There was a rising heat that Shepard had never known before in his life. Every single fiber of his body was pulsing unnaturally as he watched the doors close, his last view of her being of a completely hysterical quarian weeping her eyes out. One part of him was yelling for him to chase after her and the other was shouting at him to remain put. Drops dangled precariously on his eyelids but they did not fall. Rather, he wiped them away angrily but gasped as pain spread across his face from the mere act of wiping his arm across his skin.

This new sensation was the final straw, he had never felt this sort of discomfort before. Shepard gingerly prodded his face and gasped as agony emanated from his touch. It felt like his skin was splitting apart, brought on by Tali's absence. Was he meant to suffer this torment in conjunction with this emotional tearing of the soul? The implications of what happened seemed to finally sink in and he collapsed to the ground, moaning in pity as he still gazed at the door, praying that it would open once more and reveal a regretful quarian. Only then would he have welcomed her back with open arms.

"I loved you, Tali…" he whispered pathetically before roaring, "_I LOVED YOU!_"

His cry of anguish was all for naught as Tali did not reappear and the ship had logged her leaving its confines just minutes after she had departed his cabin. Shepard continued to sit on the floor, heartbroken, as it firmly dawned on him that she wasn't coming back.

Embracing his pain, he howled as loud as he possibly could, his anger raging toward the heavens as he thrashed in pain, in sorrow, in hatred. Spittle flew from his mouth as he ripped his shirt from his body, tearing the fabric as if it were paper as the loss of Tali sunk in. He smashed a fist into the ground and was rewarded when his flesh sank into the shattered shards of the wineglass, drawing blood instantly and causing him to drip fat beads all over the carpet. Just another reason for him to scream some more in frustration.

_She's gone. She's gone and she's never coming back. What have I done? Oh god, what have I done?_

His skin was starting to itch on top of the scratching pain but Dr. Chakwas was not on board the ship right now so he couldn't access the med bay for any medication. His hand was bleeding heavily so he used the tattered strips of his shirt as a makeshift bandage, wrapping it around his fist so that it looked mummified. The rest of his body was in a bad way and it hurt to breathe as he fruitlessly gasped on the ground. Only having the strength to crawl a short distance, he reached underneath his dresser to procure a bottle of whisky that he had been saving for important occasions. There were glasses by his desk but additional movement was not an option right now.

As he unscrewed the cap and tilted the bottle upward to drink from it directly, he could have sworn he heard a laugh.

* * *

><p><span>Present<span>

A solitary tear trickled down Shepard's cheek as he finally was granted his reprieve from his recollection. He was still numb at this point but there were some wounds that drugs could not overpower. His arm flopped to his face to wipe the tear away, struggling to properly aim his fingers so that he could penetrate the permanent soupy mess that was his world at the moment.

Rubbing his eyes to the point where they felt raw, he let his arm down to the bed again. Just moving it felt like a hefty exertion, as if he had been lifting weights with that arm for hours. He struggled to turn his head over to view the chronometer on his desk and was shocked to see that it was already seven in the morning. Evidently he had dozed off but he had not even noticed. Shepard considered for the umpteenth time that he should not be so surprised because every time he took oxycodone, time always became warped and distorted, following unsaid rules that applied to no one in his own private little world.

Shepard sighed out loud as his internal author summarized past events in his head. _Six months. Six months and nothing. Face it, Johnnie-boy, she's gone for good. She's gone and you'll never get her back._

Now he wished he could go back to sleep again. He didn't need more chastising from himself when other demons were doing a proper job of that already. In fact, it had been a while since one of them had returned to mock him. Now seemed like a perfect opportunity, right when his mental guard was down. It should make for an interesting conversation, at the very least.

"I know you're there," he said aloud, grunting as he sat himself up, spotting an oily figure immersed near the far wall. "You going to skulk in the shadows or am I going to have to wait on you this time?"

"Patience," Saren Arterius replied as he took a seat across from the bed, implants glowing blue in contrast to his dark, mottled skin. Tiny hisses came from the dead turian's synthetic arm as fingers tightened and relaxed, waiting expectantly for stimulation. "There's plenty of time for us to talk."

Shepard did not give the turian any satisfaction, letting his cold stare work away at him. "You've had plenty of chances for us to converse tonight. You're not as predictable as you think."

"Perhaps, or maybe I'm not as predictable as you _want_ me to be. These past few weeks it's almost as if you've been awaiting me _purposefully_, like you're in need of a conversationalist." The dead man let out a throaty laugh, "What, Shepard, your fellow humans not providing any mental stimulation that an enlightened primate such as yourself _obviously_ deserves?" Shepard did not produce a response to that. "Heh, I see how it is. I _know_ what it is you're thinking about. Let me take a guess -although it's not much of a guess seeing that I know you all too well already- you've been thinking about the quarian again, haven't you?"

_Tali. Her name is Tali._ "Yes," he muttered tonelessly, refusing to say her name out loud. "We've been over this before. Don't you have more drivel to spout about the Reapers being the only solution to the chaos at hand tonight or are you going to try a different tack?"

"What was her name again? I do recall it was something very simple. As yes, _Tali_," Saren let the name roll across his tongue as he ignored Shepard. "Yes, I remember. She was the one that did _this_ to me, right?" The turian tilted his head so that Shepard could see the enormous hole on top of his skull, pieces of bone forced out from a pistol burst at point blank range. A shot made in confirmation of the man's initial demise.

Still unable to move his body fully, Shepard gave a curt nod. "She was also the one that put you down afterward." All of a sudden, he grinned. "Shotgun blasts to the chest _hurt_, huh?"

To his surprise, Saren started laughing, mandibles parting to allow the raucous noise to echo around the room. "Ah, yes. Well, she was a very good shot, though. An unceremonious end for someone like me, I'll admit. Still feeling any regret at pushing her away from you like that?"

"I _didn't_ push her away-"

"Your lies won't help you here, Shepard," Saren snarled. "You still can't admit the truth, even to yourself. Face it, Shepard, she lied to you."

"Tali didn't-"

"She _lied_ to you. She made you believe that she loved you and you, in your fragile state, believed every word out of her pretty little mouth. Perhaps the prospect of intimate relations weakened your resolve somewhat, no? And when she finally tired of you, she discarded you and you proceeded to push her out of your life when you saw through her shallow manipulations for what they were."

Shepard was in no position to shut out the turian's hateful words, but the truths it did contain were enough to warrant a fraction of his interest. Saren would always filter through his mind, no matter how hard he tried to stop him. and he would never cease until the dead man had said his piece. "She…she meant it when she said she loved me…"

"Did she? If she did, then wouldn't she be here now, with you? I don't suppose that the quarian ever made any passing mention about loving everyone else, even among her own family, yes? So, if she loved you, then her decision to stay or go would have been remarkably easy, right? At least, it would have been easier than this farce you've been forcing yourself to relieve every single night."

"I suppose…"

"There's no supposition about it. It's a definite fact."

There was a slight tingling in his limbs as the painkillers were on their last legs. Shepard drew himself up higher as he cautiously eyed the rogue Spectre. "How are you so certain?"

"Look at the evidence," the turian said lazily, absentmindedly glancing at the nails on his one organic limb. "The concept of attraction is taken very seriously in quarian society. Love to them is much more than a word, more of a bond that is something akin to a metaphysical aspect. Stop me if none of this is ringing a bell."

"No, no…" Shepard tilted in, listening. _That conniving bitch_. "I recall this just fine."

"Good, I was worried that I might have to explain such benign concepts to your primitive mind. Point is, if that quarian actually loved you, she would be mentally unable to break away from you, right? It's all part of their biology, quarians get physically ill by being away from a supposed loved one for so long as a result of isolated contact with the person they designate as their bondmate. This isn't pseudoscience but actual facts. A completely useless bodily function, if you ask me. "

"And I should just believe everything that comes out of your mouth?"

Saren bared his teeth in a cruel grin as he spread his arms wide. "That all depends on you. But the unequivocal truth stands before me, she made a bad choice and you made a worse one from your impulsiveness. That wasn't very smart of you, in hindsight."

Shepard blinked. "Wait…what the hell are you talking about?"

"Oh come on, Shepard. Don't be dense. She made a choice to go back to her fleet and you snowballed that blunder even further by forcing her out of your life purely out of spite." Saren gave a gravelly chuckle. "Damn, even for someone with my reputation, that's _harsh_. But...it was probably for the best after all. I mean, she's probably going to die anyway very soon, as are you. No sense in allowing yourself to feel false hope in this case."

The human's teeth gritted as a stab of pain near his sternum caused him to wince. Now he couldn't stop thinking about her. Just the mere glimpse of her in his mind sent his chest throbbing, as if the monster that lived within him threatened to burst out of his chest. A memory of them, tenderly caressing the other's face as they whispered soft words underneath a bedsheet spilled forth. They came in flashes; a soft moan, a passionate kiss, feet brushing the other as they laughed; they all hit him like a freight train, causing him to grimace and grunt loudly, squeezing his eyes shut to put him out of the trajectory of his memories.

"Fragile humans," Saren noted as he watched the thrashing Shepard with interest. "Fragile indeed."

"Get out…" Shepard spat through clenched teeth. "You've had your fun, now _get the fuck out_. Just stop talking about her."

"In time," the turian said mildly. "But this topic draws so many more entertaining reactions from you. I'm sure you'll find that next time, you'll be seeing me sooner than you might expect. Perhaps I'll recount to you how your cross-mating between species violated all laws of nature as we know it. How does it feel, knowing that you have sunken to the level of an animal from your addiction to flesh itself? Does she know about the _painkillers_, Shepard?"

In desperation, Shepard finally broke his spell and reached for the chronometer to chuck it at the turian when the door to his room suddenly burst open, flooding the place with sterile light from the hallway. A tall, muscular marine walked in and immediately saluted the dazed and disheveled man. Shepard blinked from the light and was trying to determine who the hell was intruding upon his room when the man stood up straight and saluted.

"Commander," James Vega said in a voice softer than one might expect. The man had been assigned to him as a bodyguard, so to speak, by Admiral Anderson. Vega, as Shepard suspected, was a soldier and always followed orders therefore he was a good soldier. Shepard rather admired the keen sense of morality that Vega possessed and for his excellent abilities on the combat field, quietly pointing out the similarities between the two.

_I used to be just like him, once._

Quickly, Shepard set the chronometer back on top of the dresser, cautiously glancing at the chair which now stood empty, purged of any signs that it had been occupied at all. Breathing hard and hoping he did not look too out of it from the events of the night, he swung his legs over the bed as he slowly rose to his feet.

"You're not supposed to call me that anymore, James," he groaned as he clutched his head, grudgingly noting that his headache had returned and that his body was starting to pulse with pain. Perhaps he'd only take one pill this morning, just for added lucidness.

"Not supposed to salute you either," the marine countered. "We've got to go, the defense committee wants to see you."

It took Shepard a few seconds to process the man's words but he eventually willed his body to move into action, stealing over to his cabinet and procuring a shirt that was not wrinkled from sleep or smelled like it had been worn non-stop for two days straight. Feeling slightly refreshed from the application of clean clothes, he walked over to his sock drawer and opened it up. Checking to see if Vega was paying close attention, Shepard prepared to sneak a capsule when a funny feeling came over him. Throwing caution to the winds, he slipped the entire vial into his pocket instead, oddly feeling that he might not regret his decision later.

Now fully dressed, he followed Vega out the door and did not spare a second glance back at his room before the door shut behind him for the last time.

* * *

><p><strong>An Interval of Calamity<strong>

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: So...onto the next one, eh?**_

_**I've posted this chapter as a taster for what's to come. Depending on audience interest, I'll move my production schedule around based on its reception. **_

_**With this story, I will be pulling out all the stops to make this one my darkest tale yet. It will be a tough slog, but I'll do my best to maintain an optimistic attitude throughout all this. As you can probably tell, this story is dealing with a much more fragmented relationship between Shepard and Tali, an area that I've wanted to try my hand in for some time but only now do I think that I've developed the proper plot for the job.**_

_**I hope to push my boundaries with this story by tackling several psychological aspects, themes of addiction and loss, instead of a simplistic relationship that suffers no bumps down the road. Hopefully, the premise at the outset is believable enough so that the conflict at least has some realism to it.**_

_**Let me know what you think and we will see where this goes.**_


	2. Chapter 2: Deviation From Reality

Thirty-seven hours later – The Normandy

The doors to his cabin opened and Shepard clomped inside, a grim look on his face. Red dust clung to his boots and was pressed into the tile, leaving ghostly imprints upon the shining surface. Each time he took a step the stuff was knocked off his body and flitted down to the floor, where a trail of contaminants perfectly outlined his path. He didn't care at all about his dirtying of his personal space, he could always have a drone do the cleanup after him, saving him the trouble of having to perform any menial labor.

Shepard tossed his helmet to the side, spreading more reddish silt on the ground as it rolled to a stop near his bed. Sighing from his stiffness, he reached behind his neck to depress the catch of his body armor with a _hiss-snap!_, allowing him to slip out of it easily. Two minutes later, the soiled black armor lay scattered in pieces on the ground, aimless and disorganized. To Shepard as he finally kicked his boots off, he felt immense relief as the enormous weight was literally lifted off his shoulders, his covering that restricted his movements and constricted his breathing freed from his personal space.

_Heh, at least I don't have to wear the damn thing for all of my life. Lucky me._

His muscles were sore from the exertions placed on him for the last day and a half. Shepard's hand unconsciously found its way next to his side and patted the vial still tucked into his pants pocket. How lucky he had been to have brought it along when the Reapers attacked Earth in the middle of his meeting. How then would he have been able to cope if he wasn't provided with his out from his growing pains?

The _Reapers_. Shepard's nails dug into his palms as he balled his hands into tight fists. They had arrived, just like Harbinger had said. It had been without warning, without mercy. All that had transpired within their appearance had been mass pandemonium. Shepard could still recall running across the rooftops of Vancouver, looking down at the people hysterically trying to escape in the streets and watching them get disintegrated by the monsters themselves. Screams had filled the air as thousands were ripped to shreds by the mutated thralls that ejected from the undercarriage of the demons. The calm and precise order of reality had been shattered and abandoned, it was now all out war.

Shepard was still in shock at how quickly the events had transpired. One minute he had been discussing possible tactics in case of a Reaper invasion in the committee hall, the next he had found himself lying on the floor, his skin slightly singed and his eardrums ringing as heat and light swept across him, bits of shattered glass cutting his face as they flew from their panes. It had taken him a few seconds to realize that he had just been shot at by a Reaper and that the end was upon them as far as he knew. The harvest had now begun.

He thought the waiting for oblivion had been agonizing but now the sheer knowledge that all of his work had been for nothing was subtly starting to sink in, causing an ache near the back of his skull to form, making his teeth chatter.

Still, there was some vindication to be had. As the result of an impromptu semi-apology from Admiral Anderson, Shepard now found himself back in command of the Normandy, all privileges restored. He had little time to gloat from his victory, almost immediately getting hailed by Admiral Hackett after he had left Earth's orbit to investigate the Mars archives for important data regarding the war effort. It was as though Shepard had not been confined to a room for six whole months while the rest of the galaxy continued without him, much to his chagrin. He would have liked a little more acknowledgement for his sacrifices while everyone else had proceeded with their normal routines. Perhaps Hackett was too prideful to admit his error in judgment, perhaps.

If Shepard had been half cut at the time of that conversation, he would have sufficed for spitting onto the lens of the hologram projector and telling Hackett to fuck off, finally through with taking orders from him. After all, Hackett was the one who arrested him, despite his so-called belief of his innocence. Shepard was still wary of the man's opinion regarding his decision to destroy the Alpha Relay. If he truly believed that Shepard was innocent, he would have done more than abandon him during this crucial period of mobilization. He should have let the batarians believe Shepard was still in confinement when in reality he could have been working to have Shepard quietly organize a defensive plan closely with the home fleet, preparing more thoroughly for their imminent doom.

As it was, Shepard was not inebriated enough to make a shambles of his reinstatement so soon that he could only grit his teeth and accept the man's orders. Sure, he could go to Mars, why the fuck not? There were probably better things he could be doing with his time and there were certainly other commanders of ships closer in vicinity but no, they had to call upon him. _Him_. Just the one person _anyone_ could count on to solve all of their problems.

As if anyone else could make much more of a difference today. Sure, Shepard had accomplished the primary objective by retrieving the vital data from the Prothean archives, as per Hackett's request. Sure, they successfully repelled a platoon of Cerberus troopers with little effort as apparently the Illusive Man had not taken lightly to Shepard's resignation from that misguided organization. From the looks of things, the man had felt he had been slighted and now he felt compelled to send his grunts to do all of the dirty work, even rebelling against their own kind while the galaxy crumbled around them. Shepard recalled the last time they had spoken before today, with him closing their sparring of words by telling the shadowy figure to stay out of his way and then cutting the channel when he tried to argue further. It never failed to bring a smile to his face each time he recalled that memory, the Illusive Man's expression of disbelief and shock, perhaps the first time he had allowed himself to show those emotions in a long time.

The events of Mars did not come without consequence, unfortunately. A Cerberus infiltrator had managed to snag the valuable data before them but James Vega had successfully prevented the mech from escaping by ramming a shuttle into its escape vehicle. In defense, the agent managed to knock Kaidan Alenko unconscious before Shepard could deactivate it by firing bullets at its central processing unit. He had to carry the biotic back onto the ship, where it was determined that he was too badly wounded to be treated on the ship itself as the human was sporting a massive concussion and a shaken implant, necessitating a deviation to the Citadel for the proper facilities to attend to him.

According to Joker, it would be at least six hours before the Normandy would reach the Serpent Nebula where they would receive a triage unit for Alenko. That was fine by Shepard, he had done all he needed to do at the moment. He and Liara T'Soni, his old squad member and the lead researcher at the archives, both updated Hackett on the situation, showing him that the Protheans had managed to design some superweapon capable of destroying the Reapers, the lone bit of information that was now their ace in the hole at this time. After the briefing was over, Liara left to prepare a presentation to the Citadel Council regarding constructing this weapon and Shepard was just abandoned there in the comm room to twiddle his thumbs.

Realizing that it had been over twenty four hours since he had gotten any sleep, he headed straight back up to his cabin, somewhat relieved that he would get to lounge in a familiar place, despite the bed being a little on the stiff side. Still, it would be beneficial for him to rest after the events of the past few days, he needed to get some sleep and if he didn't soon he would be in danger of burning out, unless he managed to procure a sedative to help him with that transition.

Now, Shepard stood up from his chair, maneuvering around the haphazardly scattered armor and down the staircase to his bed. His muscles now were really starting to feel sore; they felt strained, tense at the amount of exertion they had been put through after six months of a sedentary lifestyle. It was a wonder that his limbs hadn't snapped off his body at this point. He also felt very grimy, as evidenced by the slippery grease accumulated from his sweat all around his face. Shepard, at this point, decided against the shower because he knew that if he stepped inside, he would undoubtedly fall asleep and potentially drown from the water sluicing into his open mouth. He had an idea of how he wanted to die but going out in the shower did not seem like a memorable end that he wanted to conclude his chapter on. The shower could wait until the morning.

Stooping down, Shepard felt the familiar handle of the bottle from the same spot he had left it under the bed. Straightening back up (after his back cracked in protest) he blew the dust off the whisky bottle and found to his satisfaction that it was still somewhat occupied. Guess the renovators never found his private stash while making the upgrades to the ship. There was a little more than a quarter left of the amber liquid and since they were headed to the Citadel where he could purchase new stores easily, he decided that he might as well put this bottle to good use.

Twisting the cap off, he let it fall from his fingers as he gently lowered himself down onto the bed, groaning as it yielded to his frame. Actually, he considered, it was more comfortable than he remembered. Perhaps his fatigue was amplifying his discomfort so much that even a hardwood floor would seem like a pillow to him.

Anxious to begin, he brought the bottle to his lips and winced as the lukewarm liquid traveled down his throat. He coughed slightly, causing a few drops to spill from the handle onto his shirt. Shepard cursed slightly before controlling himself, taking a second, but slower gulp of the whisky, the process going much smoother this time.

_Here's to you, Kaidan, you sorry bastard. You've finally moved up the chain of command and now you're comatose because of it. That's for not trusting me when you had the chance._

The oaky aftertaste lingered on his tongue, making him close his eyes to savor the flavor, already feeling his body start to spiral downward somewhat. Truthfully, Shepard should have been somewhat worried regarding the major's health but the more he concentrated, the harder it was to actually feel for the man at all. The last time they had run into each other on Horizon, the man had practically spat in his face about working with a terrorist organization and refusing to help him out for whatever selfish and convenient reason. After that disastrous encounter, it would be a tall order to get Shepard to feel sorry for the bedridden man, despite them working together now…for all of two hours.

Maybe Kaidan was the lucky one. Maybe he would die from this encounter, thereby proving him wrong and showing in some twisted way that Shepard was always right. Shepard didn't know if he should pity the man or feel envious. Kaidan's out was more apparent while his own was growing clouded with each passing day. Perhaps fate had a different plan for him, perhaps he was cursed to watch everyone around him die while the Reapers continued in their dark misdeeds. Perhaps only then, when the last person he held dear was snuffed out, he would be given the ending that he so deserved.

_Fifty credits that you won't let that happen, Johnnie-boy. You will never give them the satisfaction._

Finding solace in his own personal cheerleader, he toasted the room, not knowing exactly _who_ he was acknowledging, raising the bottle high before tilting it again, this time taking a longer pull than before. He did not splutter but only felt disappointment as he realized that draw yielded no discernable results with regard to his sobriety and also because that was the last the bottle had to yield to him.

_And that one was for you, Tali. Perhaps it was more than you deserve, anyway…_

Shepard shoved the bottle off his bed in a huff, hearing a dull _clunk_ as it made hit the floor and slowly rolled away, making an annoying hollow noise as it did so. He crossed his arms over his chest, delegated to watching the stars whizz past by his window as the Normandy proceeded at FTL speeds. He could still make out the contours of his room rather sharply, indicating that he had that the amount of alcohol that the bottle had contained in its depths had not been as effective as he had hoped. At the very least, it was enough to make his eyes start to droop until the last thing he needed at this moment intruded upon him without warning, causing his pulse to rise in alarm.

"So, another successful mission, courtesy of the Savior of the Citadel himself. No, don't get up, Shepard. Let everyone see you for who you really are, just a lucky drunkard who's always been in the wrong place at the wrong time."

Shepard cracked an eye open to see Saren reclining on the couch across from him, hands on his knees as he seemed to pulse with satisfaction. Shepard sighed and drew his feet closer to his chest in a fetal position as he lay atop the covers. "Go away," he murmured distantly. "I'm not in the mood to talk to you right now."

"You've _never_ been in a talking mood with me," Saren corrected. "If I recall correctly, the first time we corresponded you wouldn't stop throwing things at me, trying to get me to leave. However, I've persisted and now you hardly put up a fight these days. Either you've matured or you've just accepted things for how they are so don't act like you're surprised. You're going to talk with me _now_, despite your claims to the contrary."

Shepard turned on his side, away from the Spectre as he groaned. "Can't you just leave me alone? I've been through a lot these past two days. There are hardly any defenses for you to break through this time."

"Oh, I don't doubt it. Much has changed since our last little heart-to-heart. Your planet was decimated just hours ago and now you have a comrade fighting for his life a couple floors below us. Your first mission after your reinstatement and _already_ someone got hurt. Who was he, the one you saved on Virmire instead of the other you left behind to defend the bomb? If that's the case then it would have been kinder to have let _him_ be the one to perish, seeing as he might die at any point. Perhaps that female human would have been more understanding of your personal plight. She _did_ seem to share an attraction to you…"

Shepard's hand reached toward the pocket of his pants, drawing a laugh from the turian as he spotted the movement. "Going back to your pills won't make me go away, Shepard. You can't keep me out forever, you know."

Scowling, Shepard withdrew his hand, feeling the edge of the vial brush against his fingers. He considered his decision some more before letting his hand drop to his side, empty. "I don't need them right now, anyway."

"_Sure_. Why would you ever need them in the first place? They were never meant for _me_ in the first place."

"They're for my implants-"

Saren let loose an enormous laugh, head tilted upward as the satisfaction-riddled burst passed from the turian's throat. "Now _that_ I doubt. Are you worried that I might tell someone your secret? You and I both know that you don't take those for your _physical_ pain, right? You've never needed them when you were brought back, so there can only be one explanation for this."

"I…I don't…"

"Cut the bullshit, Shepard," Saren sighed, rolling his eyes. "You continually thinking about that quarian is the reason why you're like this now. You're trying so hard to cling to her memory when you fail to realize that she's the one poisoning your mind in the first place." The turian gave a nonchalant shrug as he leaned back on the couch, helping himself to Shepard's furniture. "All things considered, it would be better for you to forget about her entirely, save you the anguish."

"What do you think I'm trying to _do_?" Shepard shouted as he sat up. "Unless you have a better solution, I don't know how else to stop these memories from pouring in!" He reached down and produced the vial, shaking it forcefully and hearing the little tablets of relief rattle around. "_This_ is the only thing that has made me cope! There is no other way for me to get around it!"

Saren now stood, heavily walking over to where Shepard was curled up. Standing over the human for a second, he kneeled down so that his faces was inches away until Shepard could almost imagine that he was smelling the alien's rancid breath.

"It won't matter in the slightest because you're _weak_, Shepard," Saren breathed, watching the human start to tremble. "You were too weak to stop the Reapers' arrival and you're too weak as evidenced by you clinging desperately to the past in an effort to relive days of better fortune."

"Shut up," Shepard croaked, eyes turning watery as he shut them in a panic. "Please…shut up… I'm not clinging to anything…"

"You did have a point, though. There is an alternative solution to your pain, one that you have overlooked in your blindness."

"Please…" Shepard whispered weakly. "_Tell me_…"

"It's not my place for me to divulge that to you. You forget, I'm not here to help you. You are pathetic, human. _Pathetic_. Your quarian whore is gone, your world is burning, and things will only get worse. If you're already moping around then your defeat will come swifter than expected, I suppose. A sad end to a once formidable adversary. Maybe in time you'll be able to look back and see the folly of your actions, right as she is killed in front of you because the Reapers know that you _care_ about her-"

With a roar, Shepard surged to the other side of his bed and picked up the empty whisky bottle. Bringing himself back up, he swept his arm across and opened his fingers at the terminus of his swing. The bottle, aimed straight and true, sailed through the air and through the leering turian, shattering into a thousand tiny pieces as it impacted with the wall beyond. With a final parting snarl, Saren vanished for now.

Relieved, Shepard coughed as he slumped onto the bed, his arm cramping from the violent movement. Shivering as he now noticed that his body was covered in a cold sweat, he wiped his forehead as he tried to calm himself down. The sanctuary of his bed provided an escape as he now climbed into it, wishing for the covers to warm him up as he wrapped himself in the linens.

Too alert to fall asleep, Shepard prepared for another rough night when he suddenly realized the asset currently at his disposal. With little hesitation, he unclenched his other fist, viewing the strained plastic bend from his grip as he tipped one pill into his palm. He stared at the solitary little dot for a good long while, remembering what Saren had said. Yes, there was pain involved in his life, but was it pain that he could get rid of? No, it was too late for him. He had gotten too close to the Reapers. He needed to forestall them any way he could.

And she would not rid herself from his mind.

There was no liquid in sight to help him choke the pill down but Shepard would rather be damned before leaving his secure bed. There was no assurance that whatever monsters his soul hid from him would arise as soon as he would reveal himself from his protective cocoon. Sometimes one just had to make do with what they had.

_He was wrong_, Shepard thought sourly as he popped the pill into his mouth and swallowed, feeling the lump travel uncomfortably down his throat without any fluid to help aid it in its journey. _I don't care about you. I don't. I don't. I don't…._

* * *

><p><span>Migrant Fleet – Liveship <em>Rayya<em>

Tens of thousands of ships strong, the Migrant Fleet was the largest fleet in the galaxy by terms of actual numbers of space-worthy units. The act of having the fleet move from one location to another was such an arduous process that it would be at least half a day to get every single ship organized within one system. For anyone lucky enough to see the fleet with their own eyes, the entire cluster would be altogether breathtaking, a sea of metal in this dark and inky blackness.

Unfortunately, to say that most of them were not falling apart at the seams would be a bit of a fib. The quarians, being a nomadic race, generally did not construct their own ships, having to resort to scavenging or retrofitting older ships in an effort to keep them properly running. As it was, there was hardly a ship owned by the quarians that was younger than ten years old, demonstrating just how insular they were as a society.

The pinnacles of the fleet, on the other hand, the liveships, were perhaps the most intimidating vessels in the entire galaxy. They were not warships, but vast stores of resources that provided the quarians with enough food to feed millions from their advanced technology in agriculture engineering. There were three of them: the _Rayya_, the _Shellen_, and the _Ixxma_. All three were essentially the heart of the Migrant Fleet itself, the loss of would mean the starvation of millions of quarians, thereby holding each ship as highly regarded as humans would do the same to Earth.

The _Rayya_ was now where the Admiralty Board held their tribunal at this time. Considering the ship's significance and value, it was an appropriate place to hold such a gathering. The board itself was made up of five admirals, essentially the ruling government of the quarian people if a state of war happened to be declared, in which case the decisions of the five could overrule any actions from the civilian government, the Conclave. Most coincidentally, the quarians happened to be in a state of war.

It was unknown to Tali'Zorah how exactly she ended up on the Admiralty Board to begin with, seeing as her history with butting heads with her government was rather checkered and unpredictable. Therefore, it had been a surprise to her, as probably most of the civilians, when she had been whisked off to be handed the title of admiral as soon as she stepped on board her birth ship, rushed into a ceremony in which she had gone from a citizen to a military leader in the blink of an eye.

Tali would have figured that the board would have already named someone else to fill the spot her late father had occupied by now, seeing that it had been a few months since his demise at the hands of his own errant geth experiment. Evidently, they had either put it off and randomly chose her on the spot, or they were deliberately waiting for her to arrive so that they could make a show of naming Rael'Zorah's daughter as part of the board as some propaganda tool. She really couldn't imagine what her father would be feeling if he was still alive, his expectations were always unreasonably high that she couldn't imagine any sort of pride emanating from him.

There were still a few foolhardy young quarians out there whose heads were filled with nothing but dreams, envisioning themselves as part of the board, being an admiral and leading the quarian people on their way to a glorious future, for their choices were always the right ones. A few years ago, that had been Tali's dream. And now it was her nightmare.

Even before Tali laid eyes on the Migrant Fleet, before she knew she would become an admiral, she was living in her own private hell. She dimly remembered the events leading up to her irregular "promotion," through that one tear-filled day. She had trouble recalling when she stopped crying as her feet carried her away from the Normandy, not looking behind her for fear that she would see him behind her in panic, looking to apologize for what he did. Even though she was not actively searching, she knew no one was coming back for her.

How she had ended up on a transport back to the fleet had been lost on her, for she could only see herself reflected in the nearby window, this faceless freak gazing solemnly out into the blackness as she huddled in the darkest corner, still sobbing dryly for her tears had run out hours ago. How could he have been so cruel? How could that…_animal_…drive her to this?

The distance that Tali's heart had dropped at seeing Shepard filled with anger towards her had stunned her beyond belief. She truly thought that he would have understood the duty she had, to defend her people in trying times when things looked bleak. He would have done the same for humanity, so why shouldn't she be allowed to do this for her own people?

Then that idiot just had to go and get himself arrested after blowing up that damned relay, making the situation all the more delicate. Even after he had completed his mission, Tali knew that there were several paths he could have taken to avoid punishment from the Alliance, but he inexplicably did nothing. He could have killed the guards coming to take him away, stolen a ship and hid on a remote planet, but he just stood there and let them in as if he was welcoming honored guests.

He could have been with her still, but his own misguided sense of duty had led him astray. For that matter, why did he feel compelled to let the Alliance tromp all over him when _they_ had abandoned him when he died above Alchera all those months ago? What right did Shepard have to lecture _her_ about duty when he clearly forgot his own obligations to the woman he claimed to love?

"_You made your choice and now it's over!"_

Tali shut her eyes in terror as his voice screamed through her, shaking her down to her bones. She gripped the railing of the holodeck tightly, feeling no give from the metal in her grip. Cautiously, she peeked through her slit eyelids and let herself relax ever so slightly.

_He's not here_, she told herself. _Just keep calm, he's not here. He can't hurt you anymore, stop being so foolish._

Sharing the room with her at the moment and posing no threat except to her neural stimulation were the other four admirals: Raan, Koris, Gerrel, and Xen. All were familiar faces to her as they were the original four board members that had presided over her potential banishment, making it somewhat easier for her to adjust to her new climate. Right now, Zaal'Koris was engaged in a debate with Han'Gerrel over the upcoming strategy that merited the declaration of war in the first place. As much as Tali did not want to believe it, the obviousness of the situation was so strong she realized what her promotion was for that it did not need to be spoken out loud.

The quarians were preparing for an all-out assault on the geth, seizing the last chance as the foundations of the galaxy crumbled around them. Yet one more thing Shepard had failed at for her people were clearly not dissuaded from pursuing the objective of retaking their homeworld despite the terrible danger of doing so. Tali could still share his point of view for the most part, but any opposition she attempted to voice during these meetings was an ultimately pointless endeavor. She was just too young and inexperienced to suggest alternative strategies that did not favor immediate attack to have her opinions supported by her peers. Her title was a farce, merely an honorary formality, and her presence in these meetings went practically wasted, spending most of her time just standing in silence unless someone queried her directly.

The voices in the background had been delegated to simple droning at this point, her eyes blurring in and out as Tali struggled to maintain focus. She was seriously considering either falling asleep right here from boredom or exploding at the admirals for pursuing such a stupid course of action, yelling at them until she was gasping for air.

_Shepard would have an idea_, she thought miserably. _That bastard always knew how to deal with people._

"Do not rely on the human for your answers, Tali," Rael'Zorah admonished as he placed a hand on her shoulder, perhaps the first action of affection she could recall from him. She still shut her eyes with her past surrounding her on all sides, desperate to interact with her present. "Remember what I taught you, the only person you can rely on in this galaxy is yourself. Aliens are unable to understand our ways, our culture. I thought I had taught you this."

_I know, dad. I know. I should have listened to you. I should have been paying attention._

The hand on her shoulder tightened. "I'm not here to compound your grief, my daughter. You've learned a valuable lesson and that's all there is to the matter. The most effective teacher is life itself and you've learned something you're likely never to forget."

_Yes, you're right. I allowed myself to love a human and paid dearly for thinking he loved me back. I'll never make that mistake again. I only wish I had known sooner…_

"You handled the situation well, Tali. But I'm still a bit concerned as well. Are you sure that you have completely purged your thoughts of this man entirely? You've been turning back to him with each passing day whenever you are confronted with a problem that has been vexing you."

_He won't leave me alone! He's in my head all the time, screaming at me, and I don't know how to make him stop. I want to stop thinking about him, father, but I can't hide myself from him._

Tali looked behind her slightly to see her father's dark visor tip downward in sadness, his hands folded behind his cherry-red suit, fingers toying with the other as he stood deep in thought. "Why not try a different approach? Force yourself to recall the last memory of him and tell me your thoughts on the matter."

_I…I don't want to. I don't want to relive that again…_

"Are you worried that that glimpse of the true person inside that man would frighten you more and sully the sanctity of that brief relationship? You wanted your bond to be meaningful but from the start it was doomed. I'm afraid a fitting conclusion was never in your future, my daughter."

Tali trembled as she willed herself to look beyond the fog, into the depths where her demons were housed. _Things might have been different._ _Could…could it be that I've made a mistake? Could it be that I should have stayed with him instead of leaving for my people?_

"Why would you thnk that?" Rael sounded astonished. "Your place is _here_, with your people, not sitting in a bare room having intimate relations with that barbarian. As my daughter, you should know better where your duties truly lie. Your destiny is not meant to be shared with _him_."

As his words resounded within Tali, she peered more intently until a figure burst out of her haze, making her gasp. She saw the human's face, reddened by disgust and malice, as he towered over her, judging her from afar. She saw him open his mouth and out came the horrendous clamor of words that shook her very soul, making her feel weak in the knees and vulnerable, her fear leaving her naked.

_Stop!_ She cried out to no one. _Stopstopstopstop! Pleeeeeeaaseeee…stop!_

As abruptly as it had started, it ended. She was left all alone on that floor, her surroundings darkened as she sobbed hoarsely, face damp from the rivulets of tears running down it. Rael walked over to her side and limply patted the back of her hand. "Do you think you made a mistake now? Did you really want to be with someone who would treat you so cruelly?"

Tali was too addled to even think clearly anymore, only responding with a ragged intake of breath. _No…I don't want to be with him…I hate him…I hate him…I hate him…_

"Tali?" A new voice joined her conversation.

Tali opened her eyes as the tan visor of Shala'Raan swiveled in her direction, standing in the spot Rael had occupied in her mind. She now realized that she had sunk down in her chair gradually throughout the meeting, all of her senses rushing back into her in a jumble. Her fingers were still twitching and she felt a little chilly, despite her enviro-suit being environmentally isolated and temperature controlled.

Ignoring the drabble from the two squabbling admirals, Raan knelt down where Tali sat, reaching for her hand and gingerly squeezing it to make sure she was all right. The lack of engagement from the two admirals went unnoticed on Koris and Gerrel, continuing to yell at the other while Xen fiddled with her omni-tool as she waited for the two knuckleheads to come to their senses.

"Child," Raan seemed genuinely worried. "Is something the matter?"

_Father was here_, she wanted to say. _Father was here and he spoke to me. Shepard...Shepard is..._

"I…" Tali stammered out. "I…"

Before she could say any more, she was suddenly seized by pain as her stomach and head both twisted in an unbelievable ache, causing her to double over with a cough. Raan drew herself up, alarmed, as she smoothed over the young woman's back, trying to calm her down. "Tali? What is it? What's wrong?"

"_You made your choice and now it's over!"_

Tali almost screamed out loud for his voice was so thunderous in her ears that it deafened her. She coughed once more and shakily tried to get to her feet, desperately hoping that the cramp in her stomach would evaporate as soon as she got out of this awful room.

"Tali?" Raan inquired, reaching for her as she saw the woman back towards the door. "Where are you going? The meeting's not over!"

"C-Continue without me," Tali sputtered out, clenching her fists as sweat began to bead on her forehead, nausea now accompanying her wrenching discomfort. "I…have to get out of here for a bit."

Before Raan could question her further, she slipped out the door, moving past the guards flanking both sides, coming to attention as she shuffled past. Translucent webs were starting to grow in her vision, as if her visor was becoming obscured from the inside. She made to wipe it off but the fog persisted, blinding her as she stumbled across the dank hallways of the liveship.

"_Obviously you didn't love me enough!"_

Tali's shoulder hit the nearby wall, causing her to cry out as her side now flared uncomfortably. Accompanying this was a stab of pain that originated near her abdomen, almost causing her to fall as she threw out a hand to grasp onto an oily strut that was attached to the side. Her gloved hands fumbled at the slippery surface but she still maintained her grip, pulling herself back up as her eyes desperately sought the nearest clean room.

The next wave of suffering caused her to shut her eyes, hoping that she would be spared soon enough when she tripped over her own feet and was sent through the nearest door as it opened to her presence. Tali lay sprawled on the ground, hearing the door shut behind her, not knowing if this was a clean room or not. But there was literally no time, she had to act soon.

"_I don't want you here anymore."_

Tali moaned, her stomach feeling like it was burning as she spasmed once in response, helplessly twitching on the ground. It was a struggle to raise herself on all fours, coughing into her mask and spraying her visor with spit. An awful heat was blooming into her head itself, perhaps her fitting punishment, driving her insane.

"_I don't want you here anymore."_

Her stomach heaved and Tali gagged, Shepard's voice coming through crystal clear. What had she done to deserve this? Was this enough for him? Would he be satisfied knowing where she was at in her life? This was not right, this was pure cruelty. She…never wanted this.

_"I don't want you here ANYMORE!"_

Quickly, with a furious velocity, Tali scrambled to locate the clasps to her visor and hurriedly depressed them. She watched it fall away, clattering to the ground, her display glittering back at her wickedly. She pushed the purple covering away to give herself the appropriate room, dimly noticing the effect of the open air on her face but not reflecting on it at the moment. Tali had time to take in a breath of the musty and damp room, the heavy scent of mildew and rust coming to her before she finally retched and threw up.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: While the names of two of the three liveships are known to us, the Ixxma was a name that I fabricated just for the purpose of describing the setting.**_

_**At this point, the conditions surrounding our main characters has been established, so I'd like to see what you all make of this. (And it only gets better* from here!)**_

_***Better as in "more interesting," not necessarily "good for the main characters." (Heh...heh)**_

_**EDIT: Crap, I should have expected this. Do not take the final paragraph for anything other than grief-related sickness, for those of you about to prepare your inevitable arguments. I understand where some of you have developed your own predictions as to where this will go but this is one potential plot thread that I have to shoot down. Rest assured, I will NOT be pursuing any avenues relating to children between our main characters as that subplot is overly complicated and would resort to me being constrained to cliche after cliche trying to develop it further.**_


	3. Chapter 3: The Demons Are Yours Alone

A finger pressed forcefully on the glass surface and swiped upward. Less than two seconds the same finger swiped again, leaving a streak of grease on the shiny surface. The process repeated itself for several more minutes, just like the last quarter of an hour when the routine had started.

With each flick upon the data tablet, Shepard's frown grew deeper and deeper. He was sitting in his cabin, at his desk, leaning back on his chair as a forgotten cup of coffee cooled beside him. Frustrated, he switched to a different extranet site, trying in vain to search for the one thing that was one his mind at the moment. Perhaps the knowledge of which would cause him to stop thinking about it.

Shepard proceeded at searching through more sites for a half an hour more before tossing the tablet to the side. He sighed as he leaned forward, rubbing at his eyes as he remembered his coffee in the background. The cup was lifted to his lips and he winced as the cold dregs bitterly impacted on his tongue, making him shudder harshly. Shepard grunted as he appraised the coffee for a quick second in confirmation before deciding that it was too much trouble to go down to the mess to heat it up, consuming it in two large gulps instead. The caffeine was a necessity at this point as he was due to suit up for yet one more mission within at any moment and the three painkillers he took in the past hour were well on their way to last throughout the rest of the day, requiring ample measures on his part.

Not bothering to change the image on his tablet, the screen still shone brightly, the word "flotilla" seemingly jumping out at the top of the search bar. Below it listed all the most recent articles regarding his search in question, the latest one being written almost a month ago, which was too late to be helpful and therefore useless to him at this point.

The gist he had received from the galactic community from his probing of the networks was that every single quarian had just up and left all of a sudden, without any notice whatsoever. This did not surprise Shepard in the slightest, for he knew that when the quarians declare a state of war, then the reaction would most definitely be immediate and shocking. The only thing was that no one had any idea where the quarians currently were at the moment, perplexing everyone with this unexpected exodus.

Shepard found this odd, despite the fact that the quarians never went to the trouble of advertising the location of the flotilla before. It was more of a fact that since the Reapers had shown up, everyone wanted to keep tabs on who was left fighting and where. This was pretty much a straightforward process as all of the representatives from the different races were housed within the Citadel, right in the backyard of the Council for them to be called on. The only ones not in attendance, however, were the quarians, seeing as they were now all gone.

From a united perspective, this was a disaster. The quarians had thousands of ships, _tens_ of thousands, and now they had suddenly all vanished from sight, taking their people with them. This caused many rumblings on board the Citadel, with some claiming that it was an act of cowardice that drove the quarians to abruptly flee. Many other hypothesis were passed around, each one more ridiculous than the last. Shepard didn't need to hear it from any of them; he knew the truth of the matter, even though it had never been explicitly stated to him. He'd been around too many quarians to know what utter madness they had in mind that required every able-bodied crewmember to undertake such a titanic achievement.

He could almost hear a clucking noise in the back of his mind, a reminder of what in fact he was doing at the moment. Scowling, Shepard reached over and snapped the tablet off, erasing any sight of his momentary lapse in judgment. He felt an ache near his temples, causing him to place two fingers on the side of his head, attempting to rub out the pain. These pills had gotten to the point where they were damn near useless. Either he had built up a tolerance at this point or his pain was steadily increasing in intensity.

_Why do you keep on looking for her if you claim you don't care about her? You're only proving Saren right, you know. Maybe you really are weak…_

Thankfully, his nemesis did not show up to hammer that point home for him, despite Shepard shutting his eyes in anticipation anyway. The manner in which Saren appeared was still too random for Shepard to predict his arrivals. Many times he had shown up when he was at a point of serious moral confliction, other times he appeared merely for his own amusement, taking advantage of tormenting him with topics already covered for the sick purpose of giving himself the satisfaction of seeing Shepard vulnerable like this. There was no telling when the next encounter would take place.

Such was his life at the moment. Everything since Earth had been one big giant blur to Shepard. It was as if he was traveling faster than his past and everything was struggling to catch up. It was a challenge for Shepard to even remember the situations of yesterday, come to think of it. Maybe if he had gone easier on the oxycodone, his memory would be less jumbled and more visible.

It was easy to forget that there had been a period when his friend Garrus Vakarian had not been on board the Normandy after his reinstatement. Shepard dimly remembered setting foot on Menae, a moon of Palaven, in his campaign to recruit the turian primarch to the war cause. Yet another assignment doled out by Hackett, Shepard now being a little more respectful towards the chain of command yet still hiding a bit of scorn underneath.

Garrus had been doing well for himself in the six months since he'd left, to Shepard's great disappointment. It seemed that while he had remained stagnant back on Earth, everyone else had been getting promoted over him for all the achievements that should have been attributed to him alone. It was not Liara T'Soni who discovered the secret of the Reapers on Virmire. It was not Garrus Vakarian who became the first Spectre of his race. And it was certainly not Tali'Zorah who defeated an entire race of thralls, saving billions by traveling to the galactic core on the most dangerous mission one could ever conjure up.

As it was, Garrus seemed to be keeping busy as a military advisor to the primarch, but now he seemed to relish being back on the Normandy, his dry humor giving Shepard some cause to laugh once in a while. He was at least the one good source of a conversation that was not rooted in sorrow and apologies. Hell, every time he tried to talk with Liara she would always break up a sentence midway through a conversation just to say "I'm sorry" to Shepard for his loss of Earth. He still didn't have the heart to tell her that thinking about Earth only made his pain worse, internally wishing for the asari to just shut up and get to the point of whatever she wanted to say.

Just the other day, though, Shepard had been present for a war summit between the humans (with him representing), the turians, the salarians, and the krogan with regard for the current state of the war. The actual minutia of the meeting that ensued was still a little fuzzy for Shepard, he had taken a double dose beforehand and was floating all throughout the day. Perhaps that was why the dalatrass always seemed to be uptight when addressing him for she probably knew he was high at the moment. He cared not in the slightest, for little headway had been made during the summit, rendering his decision to use a relative boon to his sanity.

Perhaps that was the downside of the pills as he had somehow found himself on Sur'Kesh, the salarian homeworld, here to demand the release of a fertile krogan female, the one hope to cure the genophage imposed on the krogan centuries ago. The whole mission was the brainchild of Shepard's old squadmate, Urdnot Wrex, now the reigning clan leader for his entire race. The price for his involvement in the war effort was curing the genophage, the virus that had severely decreased the birthrates of krogan, rendering them effectively sterile.

Somehow, Shepard had a talent for getting mixed up in places that he had no right to be in, immediately finding himself in the middle of a firefight as Cerberus troops rushed into the supposedly secure base, intent on executing the female so that the languishment of the krogan could go on unmolested. If that damnable organization hadn't been a pain in his ass then, they certainly were now. Couldn't just one time he go through an assignment without having to pull out his gun?

Typical of anyone who stood in his way, the troopers never stood a chance. Between Garrus and Liara at his side, Wrex in the air providing support, and his own sense of infallibility, they sawed through the Illusive Man's cronies like nothing. It was a day of sunlight and blood, the wafting heat of the planet amplifying the stink of spilled fluids as more and more men fell to Shepard's bullets, their throes oddly silent as they accepted their fate rather willingly. More indoctrinated servants sent to the inferno that awaited them.

_I've got more fight than they reckon. I have no intention of dying at the hands of Cerberus. The Reapers might get their hands on me but only after I make them work for it. Make them suffer and regret their mistake…_

Shepard now blinked out of his recollection as he saw the doors to the elevator slam shut in his face. There was no more use trying to recall the past, it was a done deal and completely negligible in his point of view. Except that there were still strands trying to reach back.

He still felt that uncomfortable ache in his bones, he noted angrily, as he walked over to the shuttle and sat down, waiting for the rest of his crew to join him as they grabbed and loaded their weapons for this next mission. Shepard clenched his fists tightly, hearing his gloves strain as his fingers struggled to burst through the material. His foot tapped on the floor of the Kodiak helplessly and impatiently, wanting to get this over with as soon as possible.

Remembering, Shepard reached down below his seat to produce a few spare medi-gel packs that he hooked onto the belt of his armor. Shepard was driven by curiosity at the more sinister applications of this miraculous invention, he now noted since he was pursuing more debilitating alternatives. But it would be a ways before he would develop an addiction to medi-gel as there were several circumstances when a few people had been unable to stop using the synthetized substance once an addiction had set in. The outcomes of the abuse of medi-gel were monitored and reported very closely; after only a year of continued use, medi-gel was proven to severely diminish the human body's sense of touch, numbing it to all forms of stimuli as the nerves became saturated with foreign substances, a prospect a little too short-term for Shepard to even think of chancing. But he still needed something a little more potent.

The shuttle lifted off a few minutes later, a little more cramped than normal. Mostly this was because Wrex insisted on fitting his bulky frame into the craft, which was barely tall to accommodate the enormous krogan as it was. Compounding the problem was the fact that Eve, the krogan female, was also sitting beside him, not as large as Wrex but still bigger than Shepard.

The other person who looked just as cramped and uncomfortable as the rest of them was Mordin Solus, the energetic salarian scientist that had helped Shepard previously on his mission to stop the Collectors. Curiously, Mordin was back working with STG in an effort to reduce the years of work he had put into modifying the genophage for more lasting use on the krogan.

It was a curious one-eighty to say the least. Mordin, in the past, had repeatedly defended the need to keep the krogan population under control, emphasizing the inherent danger the krogan possessed to the galactic community as a result of their violent tendencies. The fact that he was here, in the process of reversing his decision, caused Shepard to raise an eyebrow at the man's behavior.

Perhaps Mordin was simply recognizing the potential asset the krogan meant to the survival of every single living thing in this galaxy as his reasoning for rectifying the genophage. The krogan were living tanks, beings bred for the art of war since childhood. Combat and battle were ingrained in their heads so well that they were highly prized and feared for their complete domination of a battlefield. And Mordin knew how to bring them all together.

It only took a sampling of krogan tissue combined with Eve's DNA to create the makings of a cure for dispersal. All that they needed was a sample of the original strain of the virus and a method to get it out to all krogan. The solution for this conundrum came rather quickly to Mordin, remembering the one tool that was used to spread the genophage in the first place.

The Shroud, a shimmering spire in the middle of an undulating desert. An atmospheric stabilizer constructed by the salarians as part of one of their ploys to uplift select species for the purpose of creating new weapons to their cause. A hub of technology in a sea of decay. The perfect tool for the assigned job.

Shepard just hoped that getting there would be simple.

* * *

><p>It turns out that Shepard had been wrong about everything being simple. In all fairness, simple had rushed out the door of the shuttle as soon as it touched down on the dusty stone surface of Tuchanka.<p>

Husks rushed the Kodiak, intent on swarming it and devouring the occupants inside with their yellow, pointed teeth. Wrex had other plans in mind and being a meal was not one of them. The krogan had been quick to snap up his shotgun and fire a burst one handed, the recoil barely moving the alien's enormous arm. A head exploded at point-blank range, spreading black gore across the ground as the body fell, twitching.

The blazing sun beat down overhead as Shepard burst out of the metal craft, eager to begin the fight. In the distance, he could see krogan wearing several different colors representing a multitude of clans prepare to move out in their tomkahs, huge six-wheeled tanks that were able to traverse all types of terrains. In between the convoy and the landing zone, though, was a line of Reaper troops all ready to raise hell.

_All right, you sons of bitches. Time to see where this goes._

Leading the charge, Shepard opened fire on the mass, watching limbs fly into the air as the creatures were shredded by a hail of gunfire, black ichor leaking from multiple wounds. Krogan charged the enemy, pounding them into paste, giving no quarter. Garrus hung back with his rifle, watching as a bullet traveled through the cheek of a husk, passing through its upper jaw and exiting out the other side, sending ragged bits of flesh flying as well as pieces of teeth.

The enemy force compressed and withered, confused at being caught in the crossfire. With some desperation, many of them mounted an assault on the nearest krogan warrior, four husks swarming all over him and sinking their teeth into his fleshy unprotected bits. The krogan howled and tried to shake them off but others in the vicinity had caught onto the plan, rushing in to rip a chunk of meat from the krogan's face.

Liara moved in and forced her hand outward, an azure pulse projecting from her palm as she moved to rescue the krogan. The husks were blasted off, thrown to the floor with such force that bones cracked like twigs. It was too late for the krogan, as he had lost too much blood to even stand, his flesh-stripped face leaking orange blood on the ground to mingle with the dust as his exposed muscle continued to weep.

A trio of ravagers were positioned to the left of Shepard and the group. Without any indication to his squad, he broke off at a sprint towards them, causing Garrus to gape, dumbstruck, as his friend foolishly rushed blindly into battle. The modified rachni horde was already starting to level blasts at him but the combination of his shields and the high from the adrenaline and oxycodone nulled any of those effects.

Firing from the hip, his Avenger assault rifle barked and the lead ravager collapsed as its bulbous pustules burst like ripe fruit, showering the ground with a foul liquid and sending tiny workers scattering from its horrid depths. The other two angled in his direction and fired simultaneously, twin beams striking Shepard in the chest, hearing his shields drop with a _snap_.

Not acknowledging the muted calls of Liara to find cover, he advanced towards the rightmost one while keeping his weapon trained on the left. Bullets from his rifle flew and struck the ugly bug, bringing it to its knees as its eyeballs were punctured and its body riddled with holes.

Flushed with success, Shepard turned to fire at the other when he felt something nick his side. It didn't hurt as much as he figured but the momentum of the strike sent his aim askew, his side feeling more numb than usual. A concussive burst to the head from Garrus caved the face of the ravager inwards, sending brains and mush streaming out of the liquefied carapace.

Shepard whirled to face the turian, who was now running up to him, eyes wide with worry. "I could have taken him, you know," he snarled.

"With what?" the turian retorted. "Your bare fists? You were two seconds away from getting your head blown off, you idiot."

"Quit exaggerating. He barely got through my shields as it was."

"'Barely?' Shepard, there's a _hole_ in your damn armor!"

Following Garrus' hand, Shepard looked down to see that the turian was right. A fist sized hold had been blown off by the ravager's burst, the skin underneath raw and weeping. Strangely, there was hardly any pain, either from the nerves that had been burnt away or from his own abuse of certain substances beforehand. He pressed a hand to the wound and felt only a mild tingling, but his glove came away damp and bloody.

He must have been staring at his dripping hand like an invalid because Garrus grabbed one of his own medi-gel packs and roughly turned Shepard to the side. "Hold still, you crazy human. This will probably sting a bit."

Shepard knew that his words were an old under-exaggeration but there was only a faint prickle as the healing salve was properly applied. He bit his lip as he waited for the turian to finish slapping a bandage on him, not wincing in the slightest.

"Next time," Garrus said as he gripped Shepard's shoulder with care, "Leave the heroics for the clinically insane." He jerked a thumb towards Wrex, who was walking behind him with his shotgun still smoking. "Like him."

"Watch it, Garrus," Wrex growled but it was with a knowing twinkle in his eye that caused Garrus to chortle rather than bristle in fear.

"You know I mean it with the utmost respect, you big lug."

"Hah! With that stick up your ass you have little talent for showcasing just how respectful you are. Why don't you kill a thresher maw by yourself while you're here? Only then I might just lend you a tiny bit of _my_ respect."

"I'm sure he's real fun at parties," Garrus muttered to Shepard, who laughed in response. Wrex and Eve, followed by Mordin, had already boarded one of the tomkahs that sat idling in the column. Liara, sweat on her forehead but ready to go, stood by the entrance as she waited for Shepard and Garrus to catch up. The human gestured for his compatriots to enter before him and he gave a final look around the area before clambering into the cavernous vehicle.

It had been a while since he had sat in one of these, and judging by how rough the ride was (Wrex being the driver certainly was not helping matters) Shepard certainly had not missed a second of the experience. The material comprising the interior was constructed from a brown metal, whether that was its natural color or it was from rust that had set in was an unintelligible aspect. The suspension was somewhat numb, but with a highly elevated chassis, the experience was akin to taking a raft down a whitewater rapid for everyone was getting bounced around.

The only ones not experiencing discomfort were the krogan, and Mordin, for some reason. The salarian had a far-away look in his eyes. Shepard didn't bother asking the man as whatever thoughts, whatever conflicted emotions the man possessed, they were certain to be personal and none of his business. Perhaps he was just going over the game plan in his head; Mordin was only ever quiet when he was thinking real intently.

Shepard recognized that look. It was the face of a man who was staring into the fires of conflict, still mulling over the consequences of what he was about to do. Shepard knew the feeling very well.

* * *

><p>Stone cracked and exploded from within, heated globs of magma splattering around Shepard and his squad as the beam touched the craggy face. He roared for everyone to take cover and they all dove behind the nearest downed pillar, waiting for their chance to move again. Scorch marks lined the road ahead, criss-crossing in an angry web, a snare for those who would tempt their fate.<p>

The Reaper in the distance howled, the sound of a billion souls in agony. The one obstacle remaining between them and the entrance to the Shroud. Any wise idiot would reason that the best course of action would be to head _away_ from the giant robot of death, not _toward_ it. Fortunately, they had a semblance of a plan in the making, even though it sounded completely idiotic on paper, necessitating the need to move forward in the first place.

In perhaps a fortuitous stroke of luck, the Shroud happened to be located by a pair of maw hammers, designed for culling out the largest thresher maw to roam Tuchanka: Kalros. Kalros was the size of few light carriers, supposedly, and a complete terror to anyone who roamed her wastelands. As it so happened, that maw was the only thing in the area capable of either taking down the Reaper guarding the facility, or at least distracting it enough to buy Mordin some time. Summoning her was the only way that this cure would get distributed properly.

They just had to hit the hammers first.

Several silver streaks screamed above Shepard, Garrus, and Liara, racing towards the towering monster. A squadron of turian fighters, beams pulsing from their guns, engaged the Reaper in a daring dance, flitting all around it as it sluggishly tried to swat the tiny ships from the sky like gnats. The view of the oculus passed over Shepard's hiding spot and went up into air, to deal with the more direct threat.

"_Go!_" Shepard yelled. "Move your ass or you're dead!"

Sprinting past the ruin of the temple, they made it to the central courtyard, underneath the belly of the beast. Shepard made off towards the right side while Garrus and Liara took the left. Half a staircase hung on Shepard's side which he ran up to and jumped off the end to land in the center of the arena.

As soon as his feet hit the sand and after he finished exiting out of his roll, he stopped as fiery explosions blossomed all around him. Brutes, abominations twice as tall as a human, loomed over him as they raised their powerful arms to pulverize him into jelly. At the last second, Shepard shot away onto his knees, narrowly avoiding a plume of grit that boomed upward from a powerful blow.

He sprung back to his feet to find that the way to his hammer was blocked, a trio of the creatures in between him and his objective. Behind them, though, a figure pushed aside the lumbering arms as he approached Shepard with what he could only assume was a smile. His feet made no indentions in the sand but Shepard was not focusing on that aspect as much as the terror he felt in that moment.

"Why continue to struggle?" Saren hissed. "I can show you a better future. One without conflict. One without pain…"

Shepard did not make a sound as he snapped his rifle up and fired straight at the hallucination. Saren frowned as the bullets tore through his spectral form, causing him to vanish. The human had little time to savor his victory as the slick voice now sounded from _behind_ him.

"So much anger…"

With a roar, Shepard swung his fist across, this time passing through the turian's form, causing him to arc his eyebrows upward in amusement.

"All you have to do is stand still…"

A huge shadow passed over Shepard, momentarily causing him to falter until he the realization hit him. With all his might, he dived to the side, the leg of the Reaper slamming down in the spot he had just occupied milliseconds before, crushing the leg of a brute that had been standing too closely next to him. He landed on his stomach, the impact knocking the wind out of him but it did not hurt to breathe, strangely. He gasped anyway, wheezing as he looked up to see another brute rush towards him, intent on murder.

Shepard still clutched his rifle in his hand and he lifted it, intent on taking the thing's head off with a short burst. But as soon as the brute's cranium came into his scope, his entire vision _shifted_ and he was now firing harmlessly a foot away from the creature as it continued to charge forward.

_Huh? What…?_

An enormous limb swung towards his face and Shepard found himself flying backwards without warning, tumbling over jagged rocks and bruising his skin underneath his suit. A jutting stone scraped against his forehead and he yelled as that only pain registered, already feeling his blood start to drip into his eyes.

Near blind as his eyesight was handicapped from the blood pouring in, he frantically tried to wipe it off his face as he reached for his pistol to ward off another attack. Through the murky red covering, he could see the brute on the other side of the Reaper lower its head in preparation for another charge.

"You shouldn't have taken those pills beforehand, Shepard."

Furiously concentrating, he saw the face of the brute morph into the gaping mug of Saren Arterius, mouth open in a hideous laugh. Shepard pulled the trigger and saw the beast recoil as a round impacted perfectly on its skull but it was not enough to penetrate the cybernetic zombie's inner workings.

"If only she could see you now…"

Blood flew from Shepard's mouth as he yelled, holding down the trigger as his pistol locked into full auto. Green rounds flew across the stained ground and hit Saren's head once…twice…three times until the head exploded from the abuse. Wires sparked from the stump and liquid horror spurted until the dying creature collapsed on its front, finished with its fight.

There was no time to relax, for the Reaper had taken notice of Shepard as the turian fighters had broken off ten seconds ago to mount another charge. Cursing profusely, Shepard sprinted past the remaining few brutes and up the small steps. A tiny column with a switch lay positioned at the end of the path, stretched out across a deep chasm that ran into the bowels of the facility. Kalros' home turf.

Half-crazed from the images of Saren relentless pursuing him and from the terrifying shudder of the impact the Reaper's leg made behind him, Shepard ducked his head and ran headlong into the stand, having just enough time to depress the button before his momentum carried him off the edge and tumbling down the pyramid. His hands clawed at the smooth surface, desperate to decrease his velocity before he hit the ground, not feeling the strong vibrations as the hammers resounded all around him. The wind blew at him, taking some of the blood off his face, allowing him to see a bit better.

He could see the ground rushing towards him far below but an enormous plume of dust puffing out in the distance momentarily drew his attention away from his slide. He squinted for a second before gaping as the dust cloud grew closer.

From the desert, a thresher maw as long as a train propelled itself out of the hole it just dug and tackled the Reaper manning guard above. Shepard was astounded by the sheer size of Kalros. The thing had to weigh a couple thousand tons at the very least. He had fought thresher maws before, including one on foot, but never could he fathom that they could get to be this big.

Shepard could only see the lower half of its snake-like body turn and whirl as the Reaper was undoubtedly putting up a good fight, but based on the pathetic squeals and metallic cries, he knew which one was losing. There was a gigantic scraping sound that could only come from a Reaper getting dragged along the ground. The metal in that cursed thing would feed that maw for a good week, he estimated.

_Holy shit…I hope someone got a picture of- oh, hang on a minute…_

Shepard grunted as he finally finished his slide down the pyramid, his legs uncomfortably bending as he impacted with a huge thump. A dull pain flared from his knee joints, obviously muted from the painkillers, but stinging all the same. Sand blown from the desert was now clinging to his face, sticky with blood. He scrubbed his face clear, feeling the sand roughly scourge away at him whenever he did so.

To the side, he could see a door that led to the Shroud facility, blinking green in a demonstration of its accessibility. Limping on his stiff legs, Shepard breathed with anticipation as he approached the opening, still hearing a raucous clamor from above as Kalros continued to tear the Reaper apart. He forced himself inside, now safe from all the flying debris and sighed in relief as there was no more punishment to his fragile frame.

He was in some sort of waiting area from the looks of things. The place was covered in a fine coating of sand but Shepard could still tell from the white interior and the lines of machinery in the corner of the place's salarian origins. It used to be a sterile environment, built for the purposes of conducting scientific endeavors in uplifting a species to serve the needs of a more advanced race.

A floor below, Shepard could see Mordin working frantically at a console in front of an elevator, Garrus and Liara hovering behind him. That was good, they had both made it. Shepard grinned as he clomped down the stairs, the noise attracting his friends as they turned in his direction.

"Shepard!" Liara beamed happily. "Thank the goddess you're all right."

Garrus gave a rough chuckle. "I was about to think you had let the Reapers get you, my friend."

"Not on your life," Shepard snorted. "I'm not that easy to take down as you might think." With half his face coated in blood, those words seemed to have a truer meaning that he would have thought. He looked around the area, now noting that things were a bit more calamitous than he initially realized.

The canopy overhead was cracked, pieces of the ceiling were falling into the room, piles of flaming material spread across the floor. Even the tower was in dire need of repair. It looks like Kalros had pushed the Reaper directly into it when the maw had tackled the machine, causing catastrophic damage to the Shroud. The spire was all cracked on one side and the very top of the tower spat flame and molten metal, a torch to carry the new Tuchanka.

Something tickled in Shepard's mind, a funny feeling that made him give pause for a quick second. Blinking, he shrugged internally and gestured to Liara and Garrus. "Go cover the doors, you guys. Mordin and I have got this."

Nodding in obedience, the two moved up the stairway, guns at the ready and through the nearest hall the defend the only choke point in the building in case some thrall had the wise idea of sneaking up on them when it looked like victory was at hand. Shepard turned back to Mordin, curious when the cure would be dispersed as it looked like the Shroud would not last much longer under these conditions.

"Mordin! Any updates!"

"Cure has been synthesized, Shepard!" the salarian yelled. "Eve's vital signs stabilized as well. Good start, promising future for krogan"

"So disperse it!"

"Can't. Atmospheric conditions have been tampered with, possibly by STG. Need to rectify before dispersal can proceed."

Shepard was incredulous. "All right, how? How do we fix it? Tell me where the controls are and I'll fix it."

The salarian looked contrite as he observed the floor for a quick second before fixating Shepard with a mournful stare. "Controls are located up on the Shroud," he gestured above at the bleeding tower. "Have to go up to ensure cure release."

"Up _there_? Mordin, that's crazy. You'll be killed!" Shepard stared at the crumbling structure, watching it rain pieces of itself as it struggled to remain standing. A thought crept into his head, causing his mouth to go dry but he spoke nonetheless. _Wait a minute_… "Let _me_ go in your place. You can tell me what I need to do. There's no need for you to die, Mordin."

Mordin looked genuinely surprised. "Appreciate thought, Shepard, but you might get it wrong. Every second wasted here we lose chance to disperse cure. Need to go up, Shepard. No other way."

Shepard knew he would have no chance of winning this through logic, not with Mordin in an argument. How to convince him otherwise? A more direct demonstration of his intent was needed, perhaps. He peered over his shoulder in assurance that no one was behind him before turning back to face the salarian but widened his eyes instead, drawing his pistol instantly at the figure across from him.

"Found your way out, have you?" Saren seemed to glow around the edges as he sneered, stepping into the human's way between the elevator and him. "Not content to die from the claws of a rabid horde but sacrificing yourself for the freedom of a species? That does have that noble edge you have always been seeking."

"Get out of my way," Shepard growled. "You're not going to stop me from doing this."

Saren laughed, his eyes never leaving Shepard's. "Only _you_ can stop yourself from claiming your destiny. It's all in your head, remember? If this is what you wish, so be it. Shoot me and meet your fate. You will be freed from your burden, your pain."

Shepard's finger twitched a hair towards his trigger until the turian's words registered with him. Something he had said just didn't sound right. "It…it's too easy…"

"_Of course_ it's too easy! But here it is, your final wish all served up to you on a silver platter. You will not get a better opportunity."

His mind was swimming with possibilities, with outcomes and futures. His was a torrent of information racing through at breakneck speed.

"Is this not what you've been aspiring for?"

"No…but…" Shepard's head felt like it was lathered in molasses, as if his wits had slowed to a crawl. "I…I can't do it…"

"It's so simple. Just pull that trigger and you can end your suffering."

He shut his eyes, eyelids briefly sticking together from the drying blood that caked around his face. "You would never let that happen. You wouldn't let me go that easily."

The turian looked pensive as he shrugged. "Perhaps it's finally time we parted ways. Maybe I've finally gotten bored of you."

"Just like that?"

"Just like that."

Shepard looked down the sights of his pistol, checking to see if it was aimed between Saren's glowing blue eyes. He gave a quiet chuckle before pointing his gun upwards, his heart feeling like a million tons had been lifted off of it. He stowed his pistol as Saren's eyes widened in surprise. "I think not, if that's the case. When I die, it will be on my own terms. Not yours."

Saren grimaced in a mask of anger. "You pathetic fool. Always the gallant knight, right Shepard?"

"Sorry to disappoint you, princess." Shepard could not hold back his laugh, as it came straight from his belly. The very notion of being called a princess caused Saren to fume in rage as Shepard giggled like a crazed person across from him.

"Mark my words, Shepard," Saren warned, "You still haven't faced the worst we have to bring you. You may claim to desire death, but you fear it just like everyone else. When the time comes, we will have you, Shepard. You _will_ be ours."

Shepard closed his eyes tightly, but found that his breathing was less restricted and his heartbeat noticeably slower. "Fine by me," he muttered. "I'm not convinced that my life can get much worse _now_, to be honest."

"Shepard?" came a higher pitched voice, causing him to snap his eyelids open in alarm.

He was still standing in place, he realized, but his arm was still extended and his hand still gripped the pistol he thought he had holstered minutes ago. Shepard followed the path of his arm to find that the terminus of his aim was planted squarely at Mordin, to his everlasting shame.

The salarian did not seem to be afraid. Rather, he seemed sad, tired, regretful. Mordin blinked slowly as he watched Shepard slowly snap himself out of whatever trance he had fallen into. Shepard watched the man back up slowly a few paces before he realized that his gun was still aimed, letting his arm fall down to his side.

"Mordin," Shepard attempted, words low and soft. "I'm…I'm so sorry…for-forgive…"

Doctor Mordin Solus made no acknowledgement as he reached the elevator, quickly closing it in case he still feared violent repercussions from the armored human in the center of the room. Perhaps he too knew the turmoil that Shepard was going through, but embarrassed enough to not admit his faults quite yet.

But, before he could hit the switch for the lift, Mordin moved to the glass door and gently planted a thin hand over it, fingers splayed out in a parting wave. The salarian gave a smile towards Shepard as the human felt an awful feeling in the pit of his stomach. "I…understand, Shepard," Mordin uttered softly.

Shepard could only watch as the lift traveled upward, watching his friend go in place of him. He could only watch a minute later as the golden particles spread out like grain from a burst of wind, the cure set in motion. And he could only watch as the tip of the spire flowered in an orange fireball, the fate that could have been his now yanked away.

The krogan had their hero. Now he could continue on languishing in this limbo, cursed to await an ending that would befit a man of his reputation. If his conscience would only let him.

The sinking feeling had not yet gone away, Shepard realized, as his extremities were beginning to numb. His feet were dragging across the floor and his head felt swollen. Blood continued to drip down his face, over his nose, into his mouth, filling it with a coppery aftertaste.

Something in his chest gave a heave and Shepard found himself on all fours, struggling to remain upright as his vision darkened. He reached out to crawl across the ground, voice coming out in only a croak as he attempted to call for help. As his fingers brushed the steps he lifted his head, the effort itself seemingly enormous, and spied another figure standing atop him, looking down on his plight.

A growl escaped his throat and he pushed all his energy into his limbs, struggling to get up the steps to where Tali'Zorah stood. Fingers twitching uncontrollably, he was unable to find purchase and his arms slipped, sending his body down half a foot, but making him bite his tongue all the same, splashing more blood into his mouth.

Spitting away a gob of mucus flecked with red, he wanted to cry out, _What the hell are you doing here?_ As Tali faded from view, he could only hear Saren instead, the darkest corner of his mind being brought to the forefront once more.

"When the time comes, Shepard…"

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: For form's sake, I have to get these missions out of the way so that I can elaborate on the more original aspects later on. To compensate for the lack of Tali in this chapter, I'll have her start out the next one. **_

_**So far, I've been getting overwhelmingly positive reviews for this, which is a very good sign. I'm pleased at how enthused some of my readers are and I wanted to let you all know that your feedback is what's keeping me going. All of you are the best!**_


	4. Chapter 4: Must I Remain Awake?

The _Rayya_

She felt lips trail over her neck, the sensation slightly wet. Gentle kisses were applied to wherever her skin was exposed, causing her to sigh in pleasure. She could feel them sucking against the nape of her neck before traveling to her shoulders, giving her tingles all over.

Tali's eyes were closed as she lay naked on the bed, a faint smile on her face. She gave a quiet gasp as a kiss was laid upon her cheek, causing her to bubble with desire. She let her hands rise up and they found the face of the man who was making her happy. She could feel his warm body against hers, gently resting on top of her as his heat flowed from him. She moaned lustily, opening her eyes to see the man she had been waiting for her entire life, to see him with her at this exact moment. To close her eyes right now would be a disservice to his memory.

As she cradled the man's head in her arms, she could feel a hot liquid drip down her fingers. It only took a few seconds for Tali to realize what was going on, to her horror. The man's face was all torn up; blood ran down in rivulets from a deep scratch on his forehead, creating a red mask. It caked around his features, cracking when he opened his mouth in a snarl. It was a hateful face, his eyes blazoned with a fury and his mouth spat curses at her.

The deep fear began to pool inside her as the man's blood began to drip on her exposed body, staining her smooth skin. Her breath caught uncomfortably as the man's hands lunged for her throat, gripping so hard that tears were squeezed from her eyes. Tali began to pummel at his arms but she was still too scared, too weak, to even budge him an inch.

As Shepard continued to throttle her, she felt her vision grow dark as her limbs feebly twitched. The last thing she saw was the bloody face scream at her and she could only cry out, in a muffled choke, _"Why…why…"_

With a start, she awoke, shrieking hysterically as she bolted upright, almost banging her helmeted head against the ceiling of the bunk, fully clothed in her enviro-suit. The dull light of her room shone through her visor, stained by tears as Tali began to hold her head in her hands, her body starting to shake.

_It…it's okay…he's not here…there's no one here…he can't hurt you here…_

The relief that the dream had not been reality was such a comfort to her that Tali could not control her wail. Slowly lowering her upper body back down to the bed, she drew her knees to her chest and clutched them like a life preserver. Her entire body prickled from an uncomfortable heat as she cried, seeping into her soul as she gave her pain voice where no one could hear it.

Her stomach was hurting again. This happened every time she thought of him, much to her eternal chagrin. It always started there before spreading up to her chest, feeling as if an invisible hand was slowly crushing her ribcage, constricting her lungs in a silent attempt to destroy her. It was like her body was telling her one thing while her mind was nudging her in an entirely different direction. There was nothing she could do for the pain; the medics on board the liveship were utterly perplexed after subjecting her to a few scans, finding nothing out of the ordinary with her physically. Based on the few snippets she allowed herself to recount to them, the only answer that had been provided to her was that her pain was merely psychological and therefore all in her mind.

_But if it's in my mind, why does it hurt so much?_

Shuddering as the thought of Shepard came to her forefront of her mind's eye once more, she gave a low moan in fear as she shut her eyes tightly, fearful that he could easily hurt her in this place. She rubbed at her arms frantically, trying to stop her from shaking and falling off of her bunk.

It was not like she had much room to maneuver around in, anyway. Her bunk was barely big enough to hold her, despite her status as an admiral. The drab area only contained a small inlet in the wall for her to sleep and a crammed desk for her to sit at when she wasn't sleeping. A datapad lay on it at the moment, a valuable commodity for the flotilla and a privilege only she could utilize.

She glanced at the datapad as she lay on her side. Thoughts of her duties automatically came to her mind, drowning out the memory of her dream. That was good, work always made her focus, it was what sustained her in such trying times that she needed a problem to concentrate on, pushing everything else aside as she worked to come up with a solution.

But the problems massing onto her were ones that she could not solve all by herself. A few years ago, a hard problem would have involved her trying to maximize the output for a warp core drive while keeping the performance measures consistent so that it could run efficiently and not burn as much element zero when traveling from one system to another. Now, she had to manage the fate of her entire people, organize and coordinate entire fleets of ships, the little minutia not worth her time anymore. By all accounts, she was now responsible for managing the lives of millions people, directing them so that some may die while others could live. On top of all that, the weight of her choices were haunted with the specter of a human continually glancing over her shoulder.

The war for Rannoch was not going well. By all predictions, the fleet should have broken the geth lines by now and have made planetfall weeks ago. That deadline had come and gone and both sides were still locked in battle above the golden planet's surface, trading blows while one side fought for dominance. Three hundred thousand quarians dead so far just from the initial siege and more were sure to follow. Three hundred thousand, all under her wing. That was more people lost than when Shepard blew up the Alpha Relay, she realized with a pang.

_I'm worse than him now…I've become a murderer as well…_

"You need to let him go, Tali," she heard Rael'Zorah speak from her desk, opening her eyes as she saw him sit on the singular chair, hands on his knees. He was sitting up straight, always the militaristic father that she knew. He never relaxed, not even when he was among family. There were just some habits that could not be unlearned. "If all he does is bring you pain, why do you continually go back to him?"

"I don't, father," she whispered miserably, even though she knew no one else could hear her. "I…I can't help it. He always comes to _me_."

Rael glanced downward in disappointment, as if he was bemused at having this conversation in the first place. "You're young, my daughter. And in some ways, that makes this whole process so much worse. For you to experience love and loss so quickly within a short span…"

Tali slowly sat up, trailing her feet off the bed until they touched the floor, staring straight back at her father. "What? What are you saying?"

Six fingers started tapping on a pair of knees. "As quarians, Tali, we generally don't have as much experience as the other species with regards to our emotions running rampant. We have to keep them in check, for we have _this_ to deal with." He gestured to himself, his suit more specifically. "We are always driven by the desire to experience life outside the suits, wondering what things would be like if we could be more…normal. Perhaps that was why you were envious of that human to begin with."

"I was _not_ envious," she lied, face flushing. "If you are even suggesting that-"

"Tali," Rael shrugged, "I'm not suggesting anything. It's obvious that you still love him."

"_NO!_" she yelled, a bit more forcefully that she had intended but it did not make Rael flinch all the same. "That…that isn't true! How can I love that _bosh'tet_ after all he did to me? After pushing me aside like I meant _nothing_ to him?"

Rael glanced to the side, fingers plucking at the fabric of his suit. "Love comes in many forms, my child. Evidentially, you took a physical attraction to him and thought that you would both find common ground through it. Perhaps you thought he would even give you a _future_. Well, it is apparent that you didn't take my advice the last time we spoke. I told you to look back on the last time you saw that human and analyze your behavior, did I not?"

"You did!" she agreed. "And I remember that he pushed me out of his life…"

"…_After_ you told him that you were leaving him anyway," Rael interrupted smoothly. "What did you _expect_ his reaction would be like?"

For a moment, she felt like slapping him, the thought horrifying her at the same time. "Are…are you blaming everything that has happened…on _me?!_ How…how _dare_ you, father! How dare you take his side…"

Her father held up a hand, the gesture instinctively cutting her off mid-sentence. It was an old thing he used to do whenever he wanted order in his household, whenever he was around, at least. "I know enough that what transpired between you two cannot be attributable to one of you alone. I can only surmise that it was because you two came from two different cultures, two different species, that the incompatibilities of your natures became forcefully apparent, resulting in an imbalance."

Tali said nothing, so Rael leaned forward and held his daughter's hands. She could almost feel his grip on her, a part of her knowing that this was not actually happening. "Your duty to your people is very different than the human's duty to his. Humans are a violent and disorganized people, Tali. They can never understand what it means to be like us, to be quarian."

_He could_, Tali thought with a stab of pain. _He treated me like a member of his crew. He…he even said I was beautiful…_

Rael was still continuing to talk, oblivious to Tali's distant gaze. "What were you even thinking, bonding with a human in the first place? Someone of your reputation by all rights should attract a suitable mate in _our_ society. There was no need to copulate with a human, no matter how much you were _enamored_ with him. Was this all done to spite me in being a rebellious daughter? All because I never gave you as much attention as you wanted?"

"I did _not_ bond with him!" she hissed, eyes glowing fiercely. "And why would I try to spite you in the first place? You were never around for me, ever! My decisions were made without any thought of you whatsoever. Why would I ever care about your reaction on who I choose to sleep with?"

"You petulant child," Rael sighed. "You speak of your body as if you sold it to him. Was that what you did? Did you drop your guard in thinking that if someone were to look upon you without a mask that they would do anything for you? That you would do anything for them?"

Tali's fists curled into balls. "I don't want to hear another one of your lectures. I wanted everything between me and Shepard to be real. I didn't want him to look at me as some alien hidden behind a mask. I wanted…to make him happy." In a low voice she added, "And…he made me happy too."

It was hard to tell what Rael was thinking, for he had not changed his posture in the slightest. However, Tali could detect a bit of a slump in his shoulders as a realization came upon him, as if he was unwilling to consider the fact that his insubordinate daughter was destroying herself. "Then the problem is not as deep as you make it out to be," he pointed out. "Especially since you betray your true feelings for _that_ alien by repeatedly implying your continued infatuation for him!"

She kicked at the chair, upturning it, but Rael vanished before she could see him fall to the ground. The noise rebounded around the walls of the metal box, startling her with its endless clanging. She jumped to her feet, hovering over the spot where Rael'Zorah had occupied seconds before. She eyed the overturned chair, as if he would reappear in the same spot and resume their tense conversation.

Tali was fuming as she fought to steady her breathing, angered at the boldness of her father for even suggesting such a thing. How could he look upon her and tell her what she did not want to hear? Did he even know what his daughter was going through?

It was the hidden truths that scared her so.

"_Why are you even here now!_?" Tali screamed at the empty desk, knees bending as an enormous headache began to spread. "What do you _want_ from me?!"

* * *

><p><span>The Normandy<span>

The bright light was annoying him, causing his eyelids to blink rapidly. Shepard groaned as it felt like he had just been beaten senseless with a sledgehammer. His body hurt all over, as if he was covered in a huge bruise.

It took a couple of seconds for his eyes to adjust after they focused through the illumination. Based on the sterile looking environment and the uncomfortable, angled bed, he surmised that he was currently occupying one of the cots on the med bay of the Normandy. How he got there was anyone's guess.

"What…" he started to speak out loud before coughing, his mouth feeling very dry. "What happened?"

"Ah, commander," a clipped voice said and soon Doctor Chakwas, the ship's medical officer was standing over him, waving her omni-tool over his eyes, taking a reading. "You're awake, at least. That's good. We feared you would remain like this for quite a lot longer. I'd imagine you're feeling rather thirsty right about now?"

"Very," he croaked and was relieved to see her procure a small bottle of water with a straw attached to it. She positioned it near his face and he eagerly sucked on the straw, mumbling his relief as the cold liquid soothed his parched throat, soaking into the dry pores.

"Doctor," he rasped, voice clearer now, "The mission…did we…?"

Chakwas nodded, "I'm pleased to tell you that the operation on Tuchanka was a success, commander. The cure was distributed according to plan. I should imagine that I'm the first to offer you my congratulations on the matter."

Shepard struggled to rise, despite his muscles feeling very stiff but Chakwas stopped that maneuver, forcefully pushing him down onto the bed. "You need to rest, commander. You've been through a lot these past few weeks and your health depends on it."

"Screw my health, I've been in so many life-threatening situations that forgoing a nap will not kill me. From the looks of things, I've slept enough already. Where are we going and how the hell did I even get _here_, anyway?"

"We are currently en route to the Citadel, commander," Chakwas explained. "As for your other question, your compatriots brought you back after you inexplicably passed out on the planet. They were quite worried about you and so I took it upon myself to examine you closely to see what exactly caused you to lose consciousness so abruptly."

_Oh, crap_. "…And?" he probed cautiously.

Chakwas now frowned sternly. "Well, for starters, I could pick up some unusual brain wave patterns but nothing that I could properly diagnose with the limited equipment at my disposal. But that wasn't even as shocking as your blood work. Do you care to explain why you have an abnormal amount of _oxycodone_ in your system, commander? I don't recall prescribing such a thing to you and the amount that was in your blood could have effectively neutralized a _horse_."

"I'm a growing boy, doctor," Shepard said flippantly, rather aloof to the situation. "One dose just doesn't cut it for me anymore."

"This is no time for jokes, Shepard." You could have frozen a sun from the look that Chakwas gave him. "This is substance abuse at its more glaring. This is why you passed out on Tuchanka and if you keep on using those pills, wherever they are, you'll be experiencing that side effect quite more often in your future."

"What is this, doctor, seventh grade health class?" Now that this door had been kicked wide open, Shepard was determined to act as disinterested as possible, already having the entire conversation planned out in advance. Doctors could be so predictable.

"Shepard, you're not doing anyone any favors by subjecting your body to this kind of abuse. If you keep on using painkillers, you could develop respiratory depression, continued dizziness, and perhaps slip into a coma one night, one that you might never get out of-"

"Thanks for the refresher on the drug facts, doctor," Shepard interrupted as he sat up, too quickly for Chakwas to react, hiding his grimace as his joints ached in protest. "But I doubt I'll live long enough to see those effects come to fruition."

Chakwas stood in front of the door, hands crossed over her chest. "You're not going anywhere, Shepard. First, I have to start you on a program to wean you off of those painkillers. Second, you need to rest so that I can gather the necessary ibuprofen to-"

"There will be _no_ weaning program," Shepard said forcefully, stumbling to the door. He towered over Chakwas by half a head and there was no way he was going to be impeded today. "And I will not be resting any more today."

"You will be if I order it-"

Shepard felt his face go hot, incensed. "_I'm_ the captain of the Normandy and_ I_ am the one giving the orders on this ship, not you. There will be no more talk of me getting help for this so-called addiction. I'm officially ordering _you_ to drop this matter, doctor, and stop hounding me about what I choose to ingest as you know nothing of this matter. Now…out of my way."

Too startled to even voice her protest, Chakwas was unable to stop Shepard from barging out of the med bay and over to the elevator. He avoided eye contact from anyone he could see from the short distance to the lift, finding relief in the confined metal box that rose upwards to his private room. Once inside, he walked over to his bed and produced a couple bottles from underneath, his private stash.

He automatically ignored one of the bottles, marked with only a scratched sticker. The alcohol had been a gift from Wrex, but the krogan failed to realize (or knew perfectly well) that humans were unable to properly ingest the stuff that most krogan use to get drunk. Drinking ryncol was so poisonous to the human digestive system that it caused users to throw up immediately after consumption. It had the distinctive taste of gasoline with an enormous bite, one that was too destabilizing for feebler bodies to handle. Any human who successfully managed to keep one swallow down without any sort of augmentation would automatically be struck with some form of alcohol poisoning. Krogan loved to see aliens upchuck the swill, as it apparently was a source of great amusement.

With that logic, Shepard was confident that his only choice at the moment was the most appropriate. The whisky he had retrieved while on a routine stop to the Citadel but was too distracted to make a full bar out of his stores. In either case, it would be perfectly suitable for spending an evening just drinking. Or was it morning? He had failed to ask Chakwas for how long he had been out and he was too distracted to even think about opening his omni-tool to check the time.

Choice of depressant retrieved, he sauntered on back to his desk, sighing as his legs welcomed the reprieve as he sat down on his chair. He reached over and found a glass, sliding it over to him. The cap unscrewed, he poured himself a couple fingers before deciding what was a good amount for now.

The first glass went down easily, as it always had. The second was hardly different. He spent a few minutes mulling to himself in between each glass, his frown becoming more and more dark the more and more the bottle became empty. A thought came to him that he might be spending more on alcohol than he did on actual gear for his missions. He laughed at that. _For the good of the team…right?_

Not noticing that his thoughts hadn't turned to Tali yet, Shepard's mood was brighter than usual as he poured himself yet another glass.

* * *

><p><span>The Citadel<span>

Of course, Shepard had to realize that any lull in his life would soon be inexplicably overturned by some unfortunate twisting of fate that was disinclined to give him a rest. Had he known he would be back up and running within twenty four hours, he would have probably drunken himself stupid, thereby forcing another so-called "_hero_" to save the day.

Perhaps it was merely happenstance that Cerberus managed to wrest control of C-Sec headquarters on the Citadel at the same time the Normandy was incoming for a little R&R. Perhaps it was just bad luck that caused Shepard's path to cross once again with the cronies of the Illusive Man. Whatever the case, it sure pissed him right the hell off.

He had amassed a tolerable amount of time not plunging into a bottle in between the voyage to the station that he was relatively sober when he was roused from his siesta. He was still sore and battered from the previous day's events on Tuchanka but there was no other alternative at the moment. What Cerberus wanted on the Citadel was anyone's guess but at least Shepard could find some enjoyment in wiping the floor with these morons. He could make exceptions for indoctrinated racists.

The shuttle had dropped them off in the middle of C-Sec's main hangar, a place that happened to be crawling with the white-suited troopers as they mowed down the station's security force. Filled with anger at the slaughter of his allies, Shepard opened fire before the Kodiak had even landed but Garrus had charged out the door first, gun in one hand and a long knife in the other.

The turian had been fighting mad as he rushed the nearest enemy, shooting him three times in the head and watching the brain cavity pop with a red explosion before moving on to another. The former C-Sec detective roared curses as he swung his rifle, catching one man full on in the face and shattering his jaw, as bullets bounced off his shields. Garrus' adrenaline rush had run so high that he did not even notice that he was even being shot.

In defense of his friend, Shepard had laid down covering fire along with James, who kept the troopers from massing onto Garrus as the turian was in the process of ripping apart an agent's throat, letting the blood fountain in the air, coating him in the stuff. Once the deck had been quieted, Garrus had looked much worse than Shepard did back on Tuchanka as his entire front was now painted red, the hot liquid dripping off him. Based on Garrus' distant gaze, he had been too shell-shocked at the time to even notice his state of appearance, just hyper-focused on tearing apart the next person he saw wearing that same white armor.

Before they could press on, a centurion popped up from behind a nearby guardrail, having previously been hidden, and lopped off a shot towards Shepard. The round hit his shield but his balance had been off and Shepard was propelled to the floor. He slid across the scuffed tile while Garrus and James put the man down in response, rifles chattering and the screams from the man sounding as bullets were no doubt streaming through him.

During his slide, Shepard heard a soft rattling sound and he looked across the floor to see the little orange vial that he now kept on his person at all times (to protect them from getting seized by Chakwas) roll across the floor, having popped out of his external pocket. Horror seeping into him, Shepard pushed off and lunged for the vial, hoping that James or Garrus wouldn't notice what exactly he was reaching for. It was all for naught, as Shepard's fingers accidentally bumped against it instead of grasping it, shoving it that extra distance and underneath the guardrail. Shepard watched silently as the last of his medicine toppled off the edge of the hangar platform, no doubt spinning through the air as it plunged into the black pit below, unable to be found.

"_Son of a bitch!_" Shepard hissed, careful to keep his voice down. That was the final straw, never mind that his day had barely started. He didn't want to be here in the first place but now he'd gone and lost the damn _pills!_

Moving past the now bloody hangar, Shepard's mood was rather acidic over his setback, but that now meant he would be better concentrated in repelling the invaders. Funnily enough, they had unintentionally inspired him to rally harder against his foes. All for one little vial.

The monitor at the front desk gave a few clues that the team needed, as the glowing screen provided a locus for their attention. Apparently the Citadel Council was scheduled to hold a meeting in the executor's office at around this time for whatever purpose. That was only a short walk from where they were now. The timing and location of Cerberus' attacks were now obvious there was no way any of the events were mere coincidence.

Taking out the Council, now that was a bold move, but Shepard wouldn't have guessed that Cerberus would have the guts to pull something like this off. What would they hope to achieve even if they did succeed in their goal? He doubted that the organization had enough troops to hold the Citadel for an extended period and even if they did take out the Council, each species would just elect another representative to take their place. Something seemed off about this whole thing, but Shepard could not fathom an answer to it all.

But they now had a clear directive in mind: make it to the executor's office and rescue the Council before it was too late.

Seemed simple enough, which was why the three of them were now engrossed in a tense firefight throughout C-Sec headquarters, fighting through the scorched hallways and the flooded rooms from the sprinklers as they knocked back the opposition time and again.

The three of them were unstoppable like this. Shepard was reminded of the times he had run down Cerberus bases on distant planets with his squad during his hunt for Saren. He had reveled in the stupidity and easiness of those missions and it looked like things had not changed one bit. Troopers panicked and ran, only to get shot in the back as they turned tail. Shepard's squad advanced from room to room, clearing out all Cerberus troops with methodical precision.

The soldiers could not penetrate their shields, the centurions could not hold them back, the guardians could not approach them, and the snipers could not get a bead on them. The force of hundreds were getting whittled down by the unit of three. Unthinkable odds for someone operating with the tiniest bit of rationality. Just a day in the life for Commander Shepard.

A few bold soldiers decided to play the suicide card after it looked like their normal efforts were getting nowhere and charged the team as one group, knives drawn, intent on close quarters combat. Unfortunately for them, Shepard was not in the right mindset for close quarters at this time.

A sustained burst from Shepard's rifle took the nearest trooper's legs off at the knee, muscle torn and ragged as blood spurted out from the severed arteries. James raked his line of fire across another's chest, tearing the body armor off him and melting the flesh underneath, revealing pale white ribs as the skin dripped. Garrus only fired one shot but that was sufficient enough in taking off half of a man's head, sending shards of skull flying and chunks of brain splattering to the ground.

Stepping around the corpses, the three of them hurried up the staircase at the far end of the hall. Garrus mentioned that the executor's office was just up ahead. Hopefully they weren't too late, whatever plans the shadowy organization had in mind.

As raised voices reached their ears, all of them slowed their progression up the steps, wary of the situation. They slowly reached the top and peeked around the corner, curious as to what they might find. If it was just another squad, then it would be no problem. Just tear right through them and carry on with their search, simple as that.

If only it was a regular squad.

Shepard could see all four councilors standing in the middle of a cluttered courtyard. Chairs and tables lay askew as three of them were situated on their knees, hands on top of their heads. The fourth and the one Shepard had the most interaction with, Councilor Udina, humanity's representative, was curiously still standing. What was even more peculiar was the fact that he was visibly holding a pistol in one hand, situated at his side as he appeared to talk to the councilors.

"What the hell?" Garrus fiercely whispered. "Why is Udina working with them? Could it be he's dirty?"

Shepard's silence was his answer as his blood simmered. This was a man he had put his faith in on a couple of occasions. He had trusted this man to make the best decisions for humanity. Even though they repeatedly did not see eye to eye, Shepard had to concede that Udina was a capable politician nonetheless. Of course, him standing here automatically made whatever respect Shepard had for the man vanish into thin air.

Udina was not alone in guarding the Council. Three black armored troopers were standing menacingly around, appearing a little more capable than the idiots assigned to keep any repelling attackers away from this place.

Two of them stood side by side, but their armor appeared to be a little bulkier than normal. On first glance, it just looked like two soldiers with some extra padding on their armor but upon further inspection, Shepard could see that there was a metal exoskeleton attached around their modified armor, the polished metal gleaming in the artificial light. Shepard had heard about this technology before. The Model 1433 Combat Chassis, also referred to as "exoskeletons" or "exos" for short, was a piece of technology that was insanely expensive to produce but one that the Alliance hoped to roll out on a mass scale sometime within the next ten years. Exos can only be described as a metal skeleton that wraps around your form, strapping itself to your arms, waist and legs. Hydraulics make the armor easy to maneuver for even the weakest of candidates and the enhanced support meant that they were capable of lifting loads heavier than a thousand pounds without the user breaking a sweat.

The combat form of the Model 1433 had an extended battery, as well as a few extra armaments attached to it in addition to the enhanced strength. Twin machine guns were attached to both arms, engaged by pulling the triggers housed in the circular grips. Twisting the grips ninety degrees activates the short-range rockets and an elbow thrust backwards sends out a sonic pulse. The exo was a walking combat tank, transforming the basic soldier into a literal killing machine.

A few of the problem that have deterred the 1433 from entering mass production, aside from the exorbitant cost, were numerous. As it was merely a bare-bones outer layer, it doesn't exactly give the wearer much protection from gunfire, and the battery housed in the rear pack was only designed to sustain the hydraulics for the armor and therefore preventing any additional shielding from being installed. A drop down plate to protect the torso was added only after test runs showed that anyone using an exo was a very vulnerable target in that state.

Users have also complained about the 1433's slowness, as it adds an extra half ton to the user and it is no small task to keep that moving at a steady pace. An agile solider, if they got out of the line of fire, could easily flank a user wearing an exo and disable it before they could have a chance to properly turn around.

The other person in the room was wearing Cerberus colors was positioned at Udina's side, this one not wearing an exo. His hair was kept in a topknot, his armor light, and his eyes were covered with a combat display making them tiny white slits. Shepard could not tell what he was saying to the councilor but he only now realized that the man was standing over a feebly stirring body draped in a blue and white armor, and that he was pointing a sword, of all things, at the neck of whoever was on the ground.

It took a while for Shepard to realize who this operative actually was. He'd heard all about Kai Leng from Admiral Anderson's anecdotes on board the Normandy. The files relating to his rather sordid departure from the Alliance military were all on the public record, demonstrating his talent and ruthlessness. Given his propensity for harboring an extreme racism towards non-humans, it was no surprised that he would be a part of Cerberus, as he clearly had talents that the organization prized so highly.

Shepard saw the incapacitated person roll over, giving Shepard a reason to pause. He was human from the looks of it, but in bad shape. Leng was not really known for taking prisoners all that much, which meant that this man was somewhat important, given the fact that he wasn't lying on the ground in pieces. Blood was streaming down his nose, obviously broken, and his eyes were swollen as they had looked like they had been kicked at when he was on the ground. It took Shepard a few more seconds until he realized that he recognized the man and that it was someone he had completely forgotten about these past few days.

_From one sorry situation to another, huh Kaidan? Why is it that you always find yourself in snags like this?_

Unable to attribute his next action to an intoxicated state of mind, Shepard stood out of his crouch and confidentially walked out into the courtyard, Garrus and James taking up positions out of sight. The small group had not noticed him yet, but that was all about to change very soon.

Shepard unhooked his pistol and let it his arm hold it limply by his side, approaching the group. He didn't bother trying to mask his footfalls, or even move for cover. He just slowly but purposefully strode up to the four standing people and the four captives, debating on what his first move would be and who would spot him first.

The honor for deciding that would go to Udina, who heard the sound of boots on tile and instinctively turned to the source. Spotting Shepard, clad in his N7 armor gave the councilor pause, as if he had been caught stealing from the cookie jar. Certainly the predicament was rather awkward, given his threatening stance over his fellow councilors and the fact that an Alliance major was lying on the ground, bleeding all over his shoes.

The adam's apple on Udina's neck bulged as he swallowed, clearly trying to come up for a line that would reassure the armored man across the way. Behind him, Shepard could see Leng and the two exo-troopers slowly start to sidle off to the side, fully invested on reactions from outside sources, not in control of the situation.

Trying hard not to glance at the meek councilors still situated on the ground, Udina cracked his best smile and spread his arms wide, as if expecting Shepard to run over and give him a hug. "Shepard," he choked out, trying hard not to tremble at the sight of him.

Shepard's answering smile had the immediate effect of calming the man down. "Udina," came his prompt reply, neutral but not judgmental. As soon as he saw the councilor's shoulders slump downward in relief, Shepard whipped his arm up and squeezed the trigger once.

Udina's heart became a chunk of thick, red meat as the bullet shot right through him. Instead of a steady spurt, blood _leaked_ out of Udina as he stood silently, his head briefly glancing down to perceive the hole that had just appeared in his expensive suit. Raising a shaking hand to wipe the sweat of his face, he found himself rather weak as he saw the room spin and tilt, pitching forward onto the hard floor with a heavy thump. He didn't get back up.

Then the room exploded with violence.

Now ignoring Kaidan, Leng raised his arm and a electronic burst sprung from his palm, headed right toward Shepard. He leaped at the last second behind a pillar as the blast passed harmlessly by him, scorching the ground. Shepard could hear the dull thumps as the exo-troopers began marching his way, no doubt itching to tear him to pieces with those machine guns.

Before he could get an idea where the troopers were, he heard a soft shuffling sound from behind him and immediately rolled out of the way on instinct. Leng had maneuvered around the pillar and raised his sword high, intent on bisecting him down the middle. Shepard was still in the process of rising to his feet, staring dully at the sword glinting before him until a purple wave shunted in from the side and slapped the operative away, sending him spinning through the air.

_What in the-_

From a side door, the thin form of a drell, green-scaled, rushed into the room, a tiny pistol held in his hands. Shepard was surprised to see Thane Krios here of all places, but he did remember that the drell had been living on the Citadel for a few months now to take it easy while he succumbed to Kepral's syndrome. Was it just coincidence or was the drell intent on going out in a blaze of glory rather than languish in a hospital room?

Clearly Thane didn't give a damn about such matters anymore. He was going to help his old commander one last time, even if it killed him.

"Thane?!" Shepard shouted. "What are-?"

"Get back, Shepard," Thane growled as he steadied his aim, not wanting to argue over the situation. "I've got this one."

By now, Leng had recovered from the biotic push, roaring as he vaulted over a glass railing and started to sprint toward the drell. Shepard was forced to take cover as bullets from the exo-troopers were beginning to tear chunks off the room all around him. From here, he could see James and Garrus waiting for an opportune time to strike while Thane engaged the insane human.

Leng swept his short sword across the air but Thane ducked the blow easily. The next backswing was intended to open the drell up from the shoulder to the groin but Thane flipped the grip of his pistol and blocked the blade with it, sending a few sparks away from the exchange.

One of the exos was firing over the dueling two, trying not to hit his own commander. Shepard moved along the far wall, trying to approach the other exo when a fist came curving out from around a corner, planting Shepard on his back. He shook his head in a daze, stars spotting his vision, as he heard a laugh come from the trooper. There was a whirring noise and he moved his legs out of the way just in time as the trooper tried to stomp him to death. The foot made an indent in the metal floor, causing Shepard's eyes to widen. The amount of force behind these things could crush his skull flat if he wasn't careful.

The other foot raised and Shepard rolled to the side, the blow missing him by centimeters. The trooper swung his arm and the edge of the machine gun knocked his assault rifle from his back but before he could retrieve it, the foot of an exo planted itself on top of it, cracking the barrel and exposing the metallic innards. The exo-trooper continued to laugh as he enjoyed playing with his prey but Shepard was never the hunted for long.

He thrust his arms out and grasped the legs of the exo, the driver looking on him with amusement. Shepard was too weak to physically move the augmented soldier but he wasn't planning on moving _him_. Dragging himself underneath the colossal machine-hybrid, Shepard now had an unrestricted view of the undercarriage of the exo, but winced as the trooper jerked his arms backwards and an earsplitting shriek resounded through the hall. That must be the exo's sonic emitter, Shepard noted as he squinted but dared not cover his ears lest he would not be able to defend himself. Fighting past the audible pain, he grabbed his shotgun from the holster in the small of his back and shoved it up between the man's legs, clenching his teeth tightly as it seemed like his whole skeleton was vibrating from the sonic pulse.

The trooper did not have a clue as to what was going on, as he was unable to bend over and take a look, but he found an uncomfortable pain in his torso after a loud boom resonated throughout the chamber, the shriek snapping off abruptly. Eyes rolling up into his head, the trooper pitched forward, crashing to the ground, revealing a blood and hydraulic fluid stained Shepard who spat at the body in triumph. Exos really _were_ hard to maneuver.

A series of muffled thumps across the hallway (due to his damaged hearing) indicated that the second trooper was still giving Garrus and James a suitable fight. From where Shepard lay, he could see the back of the other exo, oblivious as he apparently counted on his cohort to take care of their other enemies, not noticing that he had fallen.

Shepard was not content to waste bullets on this thing, or engage in another bout with tinnitus, choosing instead to draw his combat knife as he rushed the trooper. Either the soldier did not hear Shepard's heavy stomps or was simply too distracted to notice, for his fate was sealed all the same. Shepard reached out and grasped the edge of the huge power pack and used it to propel himself in the air after taking a leap. His arm raised high, he brought the knife down right into the spot where the shoulder meets the neck on the exo-trooper. Blood spurted once, then came a scream, and the trooper fell, taking the exoskeleton with it. As he dropped downward, Shepard wrenched the knife out of the man's neck, opening the wound wider as he readied to approach the final enemy.

Thane was still holding off Leng, neither one noticing that the tables had turned in Shepard's favor. Both were breathing heavily, Thane's coming in an ugly rasp, but they did not seem to tire. Leng was still whirling around with his sword but Thane was there for every blow, answering in a burst from his pistol to compensate for his lack of a bladed weapon. The gun that the drell was using was just not powerful enough as each of his shots kept dissipating on the agent's barrier. This fight would only end when one of them would make a serious mistake.

Shepard drew his own pistol, now waiting for Thane to disengage so that he could get a clean shot on Leng. He had a good amount of modifications on it so it should be able to take out Leng's barriers no problem. He kept the crosshairs at the forehead of the man's head, gently applying the tiniest bit of pressure on the trigger in case a split-second moment chanced upon him.

"_If only it were that easy, Shepard…"_

Someone had now appeared from behind Leng, situated in between the duelists, mouth open in a wide smile. Shepard saw Saren reaching for him, beckoning him to join the fray. Cold, lifeless fingers stretched out, icicles attached to flesh and blood. The turian's blue eyes were cool and steeled, his teeth bared as he watched the human drop his concentration.

Shepard didn't even feel his trigger clench all the way on the pistol, only noticing as a burst of light exploded out of the end of his gun, a solitary bullet traversing through air and leaving sound in its wake. It passed through Saren, the turian vanishing in a ripple, and embedding itself in the wall beyond. Thane paused momentarily as he saw the bullet strike the surface, distracted by noise and glancing at Shepard instinctively.

Thane gasped as Leng's blade wedged painfully between his ribs, the steel punching all the way through and out above his sternum. The drell's pistol fell from his hands and Shepard howled as he finally shook off his daze, adjusting his aim to strike Leng repeatedly, his barriers now dropping alarmingly fast. Quickly, the human withdrew the blade and ran to the exit, his sword still dripping blood, leaving a trail behind as he ran.

Shepard was too dazed to launch a pursuit and walked over to the drell's body, sinking to his knees as he gently turned Thane over. In the background, he could hear Garrus yelling for a medic on the comm, James already running over to check if the councilors and Kaidan were safe. In his arms, the drell made a series of faint coughs, dark blood dribbling out of his mouth as he tried to breathe. Shepard was at a loss of what to say so he just continued to hold Thane as he died, unable and helpless to ease his transition into the next life.

A few minutes later, Thane's struggle had ended, and Shepard was left holding a shell. Very gently, he closed the man's eyes, noticing the ache in his hands as they relaxed from being utilized so intensely. Mordin had just died not a day ago and now another comrade had fallen to the conflict all instigated by the Reapers. Who would be next tomorrow? Garrus? Liara? Himself?

_No one could have asked for a better teammate, Thane. You were simply brilliant._

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: Hard part's out of the way (for now). Next chapter should be quite interesting, if my outline is accurate.**_


	5. Chapter 5: Redemption Unknown

Citadel Dock D24 – The Normandy

"Shepard."

Someone was piercing his solitude, trying to draw him back out into the real world. He felt himself yield slightly but resisted all the same, preferring to languish where he was currently situated.

"Shepard."

He grunted as he twitched his body, lying on the bed of his cabin. Couldn't whoever was disturbing him see that he was sleeping right now? Surely they knew not to annoy him at this time.

"Come on, Shepard. Wake up."

That voice was real familiar but he was not in the mood to listen anyway. Now, that person's hand was shaking him at the shoulder slightly, trying to rouse him from his slumber. With a frustrated snort, Shepard opened his eyes, seeing his visitor tower over him as he continued to lay spread-eagled where he was.

"Garrus," he grumbled sleepily, closing his eyes shut in case he was dreaming all this. "How the…how did you even get in here?"

"In your cabin?" the turian clarified, watching Shepard attempt to fall asleep before him. "EDI let me in."

Shepard buried his head into a pillow, his voice coming out muffled. "Why the hell did she do that?"

"Um…because you were supposed to be down in the CIC to greet the guests five minutes ago. She sent me in to check up on you since you weren't responding." Looking down, Garrus could see a completely empty whisky bottle roll across the floor, nudging his foot, explaining part of the problem. He sighed as Shepard struggled to rise, his arms pushing his upper torso up slightly.

"Guests?" Shepard slurred. "What guests?"

Garrus blinked. "Uh, the quarian admiralty board, Shepard? You were going to discuss terms of an alliance with the admirals, remember? Four of them are already waiting in the war room."

Shepard coughed as he rolled over and sat up, rubbing at his head. "Right _now?_ Why didn't anyone warn me?"

"_I had sent several verbal alerts to you as well as placed notifications on your omni-tool_," EDI said over the intercom. "_However, each time you were unresponsive so I alerted Garrus to see if you were awake and coherent._"

Letting out a puff of air, Shepard looked up at Garrus who merely shrugged. "Well, Shepard, there you have it. Even the AI is on my side."

"Jesus," Shepard grimaced. He struggled to get to his feet but a blast of pain near his head almost forced him back down again. Shepard winced so hard that Garrus had to tilt his head in concern. It looked like the start of a debilitating hangover was beginning to flare up, causing him to seethe where he sat.

Fortunately, Garrus knew of a method to cure such annoyances, one not being elite to any one species. Seeing as Shepard was definitely not going to be going down to visit with the admirals in his rumpled wardrobe, there would technically be no harm in doing what needed to be done right now.

Helping Shepard up, he slung one of the human's arms around his shoulders and began walking over to the bathroom. Shepard, still groaning, continued to follow until he realized what the turian was about to do. Garrus hit the button on the shower and a cold spray shot out, spattering the floor with icy water, misting around their feet.

"Goddamn it, Garrus," Shepard mumbled, trying to break away. "Not _that_, I'm fine…I'm-"

The idea of any possible retaliation pushed aside, Garrus adjusted Shepard and helped him walk into the shower, where the chilling liquid started to stream down above him.

Shepard jolted at first and then he opened his mouth to howl in alarm.

* * *

><p>Ten minutes later, after Shepard had done some apologizing to Garrus on seeing him in such a disheveled state, the commander walked briskly into the war room in his dress blues, doing a double-take as he found it empty for some strange reason. Had the admirals come and gone in the timeframe that he'd been out? He was about to go over to the cockpit and ask Joker for clarification when he heard voices coming from the comm room on the other side.<p>

Curious, he headed in, seeing the hologram projector snap off as soon as he entered, all four quarian admirals turning to face him, expressions blank behind their masks. Shepard felt a jolt at first but relaxed when he determined that none of the admirals standing in front of him were Tali, to which he could breathe a little easier.

"Commander Shepard," the closest one to him said. "There you are. I apologize for starting without you, but it is a pleasure to see you again."

_I should probably be the one apologizing_, he thought dimly. "Admiral Raan," he smiled warmly, recognizing the quarian's limber form. "It's been too long. I regret coming as late as I did. Was there anything important that was discussed?"

Koris now stepped forward, a blowhard if Shepard had ever seen one, but he knew he meant well. "We were just discussing the terms of an alliance with your Admiral Hackett. As you know, alone we cannot hope to fight the Reapers."

"On that we agree."

"But," Admiral Gerrel now stepped in. "We had to make a compromise to facilitate this new alliance."

_Always a catch, huh?_ "And what were the terms of this compromise, exactly?" Perhaps it was a good thing that Shepard had woken up so late, for negotiating when he was half-blitzed would have made for a poor encounter all around. At least Hackett had laid the foundation for him, all he had to do was the heavy lifting.

Gerrel cleared his throat before responding. "As you are aware, before the Reapers invaded our system, we had initiated the war to take back our homeworld from the geth. An error in oversight it seems, but at the moment we are in too deep to even consider the prospect of a tactical retreat."

Shepard could have lectured them for hours on end about the merits of provoking the geth at such a delicate time but he had to keep his mouth shut for now or any strands of a cooperative union would dissolve faster than he could blink. "I would assume that Hackett recommended me to provide assistance on this matter?" _As if I had a choice._

Koris bobbed his head emphatically. "Yes, your involvement would be most appreciated. From what we've been told, your ship remains the only one in its class that is invisible to the geth sensors. Having this asset would be most helpful in providing our ailing fleet the aid they need to stand together."

The collar of Shepard's shirt was feeling a little tighter than normal and the fabric was making his skin itch. He made a discreet motion to tug at it, the specifics of the upcoming mission unimportant at the moment. "The Normandy is ready to stand by our allies in this fight," he said quickly. "In the meantime, feel free to use the war room as a command center."

"Thank you commander," Koris said gratefully.

It seemed that everyone else had sensed Shepard's anxiousness to leave but Raan spoke just as he was turning toward the door. "Oh, commander?"

"Yes?"

"Our newest admiral is somewhere on your ship. If you manage to run into her, would you be so kind as to give her the specifics of the meeting today?"

_New admiral, huh?_ "I'll be sure to do just that," he promised, not entirely knowing what awaited him.

Rounding the corner, he could see Garrus talking to someone in the conference room, the windows shielding the other person from his view. The turian was the first to spot him, a funny look coming instantly across his face. Shepard saw him mumble something to the person and then excused himself from the room, glancing backwards nervously as Shepard raised an eyebrow in confusion.

He walked forward and peered into the side room to see who it was that Garrus had been talking to when every single molecule of blood froze in his veins. His heart thudded so loudly it might have been audible and his neck hairs stood on end, tingling with electricity. His jaw dropped noticeably and he could only gape at who it was.

Tali'Zorah stood in front of the window, posture somewhat diminished, as she too braced at the sight of Shepard. She began shaking a bit, undetectable to Shepard, but she felt like she was rattling all over the place.

"H-H-Hello…_Sh-Shepard_…"

_Shepard. Not John_. "_You're_ the new admiral?" he blurted out in his astonishment, the coldness slowly getting replaced by a burning warmth that beat throughout him. He couldn't believe this, he just could _believe this! _Would it have killed the universe for them to never lay eyes on the other again? Was her being here really so necessary that it couldn't be helped?

Tali was trying terrible to control her nervousness, tongue betraying her deepest fears. "Y-Yes, Shepard. Th-They elected me to serve when I arrived back on the flotilla-"

Before he could stop himself, all of his anger just poured out of his mouth after being contained for so long. "Oh, so _that's_ why you left, huh?" Disbelieving laughter soon followed. "So they promised you a promotion if you would go back. That's…that's nice, Tali…that's real nice. You certainly have done well for yourself."

"I swear to you," she defended hotly, her meekness bubbling down into her. "I had no idea what they had in mind for me. I didn't know what they were planning, Shepard."

"Do you really expect me to believe that?" His core temperature was equalizing right about now, his strong emotions slowly subsiding away. Now, he was left with just an accepting look on his face, glazed over as he distanced himself emotionally from this source of conflict.

"I know you better than anyone. I know that you know it's the truth."

"_Wrong_, Tali," Shepard said acidly. "You do not know me at all. I thought I knew _you_ once but I have already been proven false on that front. Don't be that naïve pilgrim that I picked up all those years ago again."

_That_ stung. Tali flinched as his words were like a slap to the face. "I once promised you," she managed heavily, "That I would be there for you. Did you really forget what we've been through together? How we talked, laughed, and cried together? What happened to us, Shepard?"

Shepard was incensed at her words, not soothed. "I'll tell you what happened," he growled. "That despite your words of togetherness, where were you for the past half a year? Where were you when I rotted on Earth for all those months? Where were you when Mordin died? When Thane died? Where were you when I _needed_ you, Tali?"

Tali's mouth had dropped open but of course Shepard couldn't see it. She had no idea that Mordin and Thane had passed and Shepard used her surprise to continue to berate her. "Despite all you said, you showed yourself to be a liar when you chose to go back to the fleet and leave me behind. That's what happened. You used the pretext of a promotion to justify your departure in a selfish act of betrayal."

"I told you, I didn't know!"

"You can say that all you want, Tali," Shepard waved his hand dismissively. "But that doesn't mean that I'll believe you after the thousandth time you spout it to me." _But you don't believe her right now?_

"I…I always thought that you would have understood my situation…"

"Evidentially I didn't," he replied coldly. "I would have thought that your situation could have been resolved much easier than you made it out to be."

Something was tearing itself to pieces inside her ribs. Tali felt her extremities throb as each word was a dagger upon her frame. "I…I had no choice, Shepard."

"Wrong again, Tali," he responded sadly. "You _always_ had a choice." When Tali failed to produce a response to that, Shepard straightened and backed up a step. "I'm not going to force you off my ship this time, but I want to make one thing clear: do not approach me under any circumstances. Whatever we once had, is gone, and you'd do best to remember that. Is this in any way unclear?"

"No…_Shepard_," she said with as much bitterness as she could muster.

"Good. Carry on, then." With a turn of his heel, he walked out of the door and towards the CIC, leaving Tali breathless and alone. Her knees felt rubbery and she was rather lightheaded. The blood in her brain was thudding uncomfortably and she grasped the edges of the table so that she wouldn't collapse from weakness.

She felt like screaming.

* * *

><p>Shepard had pummeled the walls of the elevator repeatedly and angrily until his knuckles were bloody, leaving red splotches on the sides. They were now bandaged up, limiting his movements but they still ached all the same. He just hoped no one would raise questions over the now fist-sized holes in the lift, that would involve some awkward explaining.<p>

_You stupid, stupid, fuck-up. You blithering idiot. Was it worth it, tormenting her like that? Was it all worth it?_

It had been only a few hours since Tali had come back on board and Shepard was not any less livid, despite his conscience giving him a hard time otherwise. The sheer notion that she was _here_ on this damn ship was aggravating to no end. Did she intentionally take this assignment with the purpose of tormenting him with her presence, knowing that what she did practically destroyed him? Was this all a cruel jape at his expense?

He had done everything for her. He had opened his heart to the quarian, allowing himself to care for someone whom he thought would never leave him, but it turned out that she would have the audacity to spurn him in the end. If he was not as important to her as much as her own people, then he was never important at all.

The idea that he could ever bring himself to open up to anyone else ever again was still up for debate. If he thought that he could put his complete and total trust in Tali once and have it all go to shambles, then who else would be worthy of that regard? All of these painful thoughts were sending his rage bubbling up again. He needed a drink and fast.

Shepard walked over to the bed and his foot caught the empty whisky bottle, sending it clattering away. That brought an unfortunate realization to the human as he watched the liquid container disappear out of sight under his bed.

_Oh yeah, I drank all my alcohol the night before. Isn't that just perfect?_

His hands came to his pockets but he already knew what the outcome would be even before his hands found nothing at his sides. His oxycodone was far away from him at the moment, now at the bottom of some nameless hanger in the middle of C-Sec. That meant that in the near future, he would still be sober, awake, and attentive, a future that Shepard desperately wanted to avoid right now. He quietly swore, cursing his luck and the fast sequence of events that had landed him here. If only he could be granted a break from this once in a while. If only Tali had never come here…

He stood in the middle of the room for at least a minute, hands still in his pockets as he contemplated his situation. So, he had no booze and he had no pills. That left him dry as a rock with only a couple feet of steel plating separating him between him and Tali. Having her in such close proximity would do him no good, especially when he was in such a mood, a dangerous one.

It was time to take a short leave. He just needed to get away from her for a little bit, while he still could. And he needed to restock his stores, knowing just the place to start.

Quickly, he stripped off his dress blues, throwing them aimlessly on the bed and slipped on a comfortable pair of pants. Shepard reached into his closet and withdrew a jacket and threw it over his shoulders, shrugging his arms into the clothing. A pair of casual shoes were quickly located and applied, the soles squeaking from not being used all that much.

Hands thrust into the pockets of his jacket, he stepped into the lift and back out into the CIC, gaze situated straight forward, already inclined to ignore anyone who approached him on the ship. Shepard passed by Joker's chair, not giving any acknowledgement to the man as he walked into the airlock doors and waited for the pressurization sequence to begin. Once those doors opened, he strolled at a brisk pace down the walkway, approaching the bustle of the enormous station.

Shepard had a few errands to run.

* * *

><p>Deep down, Tali had to know that meeting Shepard again would have gone disastrously. Of course, she hoped that he had moved on, praying that he had at least regretted his decision to force her to leave his ship, but it was quite obvious to her that he had not, as evidenced by the last hour. But then again, Tali had not forgiven him either<p>

She stood at her station in the war room, replicating attack patterns for the fleet, as she started to calm down. The process of her relaxing would take quite a while as she was a long way from calm at the moment. To see Shepard for herself, spiteful, rude, and brushing her away as if she was a fly hovering around him, was seeing her dreams played out in all their ugly glory. Everything was rendering apart at the seams and she was barely hanging onto the threads.

Was this really the same man she had idolized? This empty shell of anger? Tali had yet to see why she had been so smitten with the man in the beginning for now his very presence frightened her instead of comforting her. He used to be so gentle with her…once.

Against her better nature, she opened up her omni-tool and activated the subroutine she had installed onto the Normandy's systems months ago. The remote surveillance program allowed her to access the cameras EDI used to monitor crew activity all over the ship (barring the captain's cabin, which had no camera). She flipped through several screens, looking for Shepard, her goal to know where he was at all times so that she could stay well away from him. Just the mere sight of him gave her chills, thinking that he would lash out at her one of these days when she was least expecting it.

Worryingly, she didn't spot Shepard initially on her first pass through so she scanned the feeds again, this time peering hard at the images presented on her tool. She finally stopped as she activated the airlock camera, barely having enough time to catch his form leaving the ship and out into the holding area of the Citadel. There was something a bit off about his appearance, Tali noted, as he looked sullen but driven at the same time, mouth set as he obviously had a predetermined destination in mind and was working on traveling to it. She had seen that look many times before, wondering what exactly he was doing that would cause him to concentrate like that.

She didn't have to think very hard into determining that his attitude was brought along by her reappearance in his life, which was obvious. It wasn't like Tali wanted to be here in the first place, as her duty was the one thing responsible for bringing her here, only her duty seemed to be doing a good job of putting her in awkward situations that she wanted to avoid most dearly. But there was an alluring pull toward her, a sort of juvenile predisposition to watch and see what exactly he was doing to combat the fact that she was now close by, his mistake visualized in full – a reminder of how he had acted. Maybe it was the fact that she wanted to know if he was suffering just as badly as she was, to see how he was coping to this.

But she didn't feel like doing this alone. She would need someone to protect her in case things got a little worrisome. Shepard could be unpredictable when pushed too far.

Tali was finished with her work at the moment so she excused herself and made her way down a deck and marched straight over to the main battery. Inside, she found Garrus hunched down as he inspected the readouts from the Thanix cannon, ever anal about calibrating the gun. Sometimes he was more a perfectionist than she was with tech sometimes, and that was saying a lot.

Drawn to the noise of the door opening, the turian stood up to see Tali standing next to him, a warm smile coming to his face at the sight of her, despite them having caught up just an hour ago. "Hey, Tali," he said, wiping his hands with a rag. "Did Shepard send you down here to check up on me? If so, I-"

"Garrus," Tali said quickly. "I don't have much time to explain but we have to leave right away."

Garrus sighed, hanging his head. "Did you two fight? I know it must be tough, running into him again but I don't think that leaving the ship is a good idea-"

"I don't care if it's a good idea or not. I just want you to come with me and help me understand a few things."

"Can't it wait for half an hour, though? I'm in the middle of some very important calibrations-"

"Your calibrations will wait until we get back," Tali interrupted as she grabbed the turian's hand, leading him out the door. "We need to go right _now_."

Despite voicing his objections, Garrus did not physically resist her pull, quieting himself in the CIC once he saw that he was already starting to go along with her. Tali walked into the airlock, Garrus right behind her, and they waited for their turn to depressurize.

As the hissing commenced and Garrus felt his ears start to pop, he glanced toward Tali. "All right, you've dragged me over here, so what's this about? Why exactly are we leaving the ship?"

"I don't know," she admitted, not bringing herself to look at him. "It's just…I…we have to follow Shepard for a while…that's all I really know."

"Follow _Shepard?_" Garrus took a step back, confused. "What the hell for? What have you dragged me into?"

"Nothing, I hope," Tali sighed as the doors opened to admit them, walking briskly outside into the Citadel. Half a minute later, they were once again stuffed into another metal box through the elevator bay, the console brightly lit for them to indicate their chosen destination. Tali hacked into the door controls and brought up the last known terminus that the lift had descended to. There was only one entry within the last five minutes, most definitely Shepard's, at the Purgatory club, so she hit the button for the appropriate floor and the elevator whisked the duo away, screaming into the bowels of the station.

Garrus was getting more agitated the further the lift continued. "I mean it, Tali. I want to know what we are doing here. I'm not taking a step outside this elevator until you tell me."

Tali whirled to face him, so quickly that it caused Garrus to back into the rear of the elevator in surprise. "Since you want to be all _nosy_ about it," she hissed. "Fine. I just want to follow Shepard to see what it is he's doing, okay? Ever since we talked it is clear that he despises me now. I can't stop thinking about him and I'm not wasting another second on that ship wondering if I'm the only one hurting from this abuse. I want to know if he's suffering just like me."

"Tali, I know you guys are going through a bit of a rough spot-"

"That's an under-exaggeration if I ever heard one."

"-But do you really think that this is the right course of action? Trailing Shepard like you're an undercover cop? What could you possibly gain by this?"

"_I just want to know what he does!_" she yelled, the noise uncomfortably loud in the enclosed space. Garrus could see the quarian noticeably trembling and an obscure fact came to his head, causing something to click within him, a fact that Tali was too uncomfortable to voice but one that she had relayed perfectly.

_Mate…quarian…bond…_

"Can't you just leave the man alone?" he said quietly. "He misses you, even if he doesn't want to admit it."

"I don't buy that for an instant," she snapped. _But I miss him too…_

_Bond…quarian…bond…_

"Please, Garrus," she now whispered, perhaps from shame in having yelled at him. "Just…just help me with this…"

_Tremble…desire…bond…_

"Okay, Tali," he promised, his own mind a whirlwind.

_Bond…bond…oh, spirits…what has happened?_

* * *

><p>Purgatory was not usually a place that Shepard would care to venture to. His tastes usually ranged from quieter establishments such as Flux or even Chora's Den (despite the seediness), as places to unwind and relax. Purgatory was more akin to a traditional club, with fewer strippers and more dancers, which meant louder music. Maybe it was the place's rather underground reputation that allowed it to act as a haven for Shepard and just blend in with the crowd, hoping to be invisible for once.<p>

Despite the balanced mix of species, the place did have a large selection of alcohol available to humans and they even delivered if you placed an order, if you wanted to pay the extra delivery charge. That was what Shepard made towards the second he walked in, finding an empty chair at the bar and perusing the selections before indicating his choices to the bartender.

All in all, ten thousand credits were dropped in one go as seven bottles of a mix of scotch, whisky, gin, bourbon, and vodka, were all made for delivery to bay D24. All expensive stuff, top shelf, sure to last him weeks on end alone. He was so engrossed in the menu that he didn't notice a turian and a quarian walk in from the entrance behind him, slipping quietly to the upper floor and snagging a table with a view. He had no cause to look in that direction so he just continued to sit at the bar, watching the bartender process his order, unaware he was being watched.

To set him down the path a little, he ordered a glass of bourbon, the same type of stuff he had sent to his ship, and immediately took a swig of the dark liquid, feeling it burn its way down his throat. He smacked his lips, relishing the taste and spent a few more minutes taking reserved sips of his drink, trying hard to ignore the overbearing music and the throng of noisy dancers in the corner.

When it became apparent that the sweaty mob was going to continue to encroach on his personal space, Shepard decided that it was time to depart the bar and head off to a quieter aspect of Purgatory, the term being entirely relative. He grabbed his drink and started to walk away until he passed by a booth containing someone he recognized, quickly remembering that here was another place to procure his items of interest. How fortuitous indeed, he had completely forgotten she was even here.

Aria T'Loak, pirate queen, self-proclaimed ruler of Omega, recently deposed at the moment but no one told her that to her face. Aria was not the sort of asari that smiled a lot but it was the tiny gestures that spoke volumes about her attitude at the moment. Currently, she was occupying this little corner of the Citadel, a far cry from her rather overbearing balcony back at Afterlife, but somehow it suited her all the same. Spotting Shepard at the same time he did, she patted the couch at her side, a signal for him to come and sit. Sitting with Aria was a sign of respect from her, anyone else she would have standing and having their legs cramp while she lounged and drank in their discomfort as they conversed. He counted himself among that lucky few.

Shepard wasn't Aria's biggest fan to begin with but he always had a grudging respect for her. Despite his hatred for organized crime, he had to concede that Aria was definitely the lesser of two evils for what she did. She held control over the major gangs in her area, but she was careful not to dabble too heavily in trades like slavery and all out mass murder, and she was always upfront to the people she detested.

In Shepard's case, all he had to do was sit down and shut up while dealing with Aria, quickly coming to learn that having her on his side was a definite boon, as proved by the information she willingly provided him during his quest to build a team for the suicide mission. To repay her, Shepard also made a few ends meet on Aria's side that she was very impressed about, outlining a rather beneficial partnership between the two. He was just thankful that the partnership was still in play right now.

"Keeping cozy here, Aria?" he said mildly as he took a seat. Aria hated people who were blunt up front, unless the situation demanded it. One did not request things from Aria right at the outset.

A few stories up, Tali and Garrus were peering down on the exchange, no drinks in front of them, hands plastered to the table eagerly. The more time Garrus spent here the more he felt that this was wrong, wrong, _wrong_. He shouldn't even be here, this was not his place to get involved. But here he was anyway, seated at this table, blood thudding nervously throughout him as he hoped that they wouldn't be spotted so easily as that would make things incredibly awkward. And things were painful already for him.

Tali looked at him expectedly. "What's Shepard doing with Aria?" He shushed her, the reaction made reflexively even though the loud music made it impossible for anyone in the vicinity to listen within a radius of a foot.

Below, the asari snorted at Shepard's question. "If that means sitting in a fuckin' place like this, this sterile, limp excuse of a club and having the attitude of every person that crosses your path grate on your attention one after another, then yes. I'm definitely keeping cozy."

Shepard hid a smile behind a sip of his drink. The asari's brusque manner could provide a hint of amusement to him from time to time. "Sorry to hear that. How's the plot to retake Omega going?"

"It's going," she replied in a disinterested manner. "You've done me a good service, funneling all those gangs into my pocket. I'd ask you to come along, but you'd probably have better things to do with your time."

"Probably," he agreed, secretly wishing to not set one more foot on that station for as long as he lived. "Expecting a fight?"

"No more than usual. Besides, it will be a relief to send as many Cerberus cronies to hell when I finally do get back. It'll be good to let loose, I haven't killed anyone in months."

_I'd almost go just for that_. "I'll drink to that," Shepard encouraged, doing just what he said he'd do right after.

Aria smiled, a rare gesture that she saved for the people that she truly trusted. "I'll let you know how it goes. But what brings you back to Purgatory, Shepard? I doubt it's for the atmosphere judging by that pained look on your face."

And now she had initiated it. It was time for business. Shepard set his drink down on the table between them, leaning forward so that he could look at the pirate queen with all the intensity he could muster. "I've got something to ask of you."

She turned her body slightly, interested. "I do hope you're not presuming to give _me_ an order, Shepard."

"Nothing of the sort."

"What exactly do you need?"

"It's a personal matter."

"I can be discreet, but that still doesn't answer my question."

Shepard breathed out slowly, fingers clenched together. "I need four vials of oxycodone."

Aria raised her eyebrows briefly. "That's all? For a second there, I was expecting you to have me put a hit on someone. So, oxycodone? What for?"

"Like I said, it's personal."

The asari shrugged, gesturing to the batarian that served as her bodyguard. "To each his own, I guess. Bray, find out what we have in the select stocks for Shepard here." To Shepard, she said, "You know, you can do better than that trash you asked of me. Why use that junk when you can use something better?"

"It was the only thing that was available to me at the time," Shepard admitted, hands spread. "It never occurred to me to get anything different. '_If it ain't broke, don't fix it_,' right?"

"What was that, some kind of human saying?" Aria scrunched her face up a little.

"Something like that."

"Uh-huh, but you're in luck today. I can get you acquainted with the stuff _addicts_ would kill to get their hands on." Ignoring Shepard frowning at the comparison, she craned her head over to Bray who was still talking into his omni-tool, most likely from a few subordinates hiding out in the back of the club. "Well? Do you have anything yet?"

The batarian's four eyes were wide in their sockets. "The guys managed to scrounge up some fentanyl patches in the back, I don't know if-"

"_Fentanyl?_ Bray, do you remember the last time we gave a human fentanyl?"

"Um…I'm guessing it wasn't good?"

"He OD'd simply by holding onto the medicated patch with his fingers for too long within three hours. His fucking _fingers, _Bray. That stuff is way too potent for someone like Shepard. What else have they got over there?"

"They've got some meperedine and tramadol-"

Aria's scowl was getting deeper every time Bray said a word. "Not good enough. Do I have to do everything myself? _Hydromorphone_! Ask if they have hydromorphone!"

Bray spoke so quickly into the omni-tool that he was stumbling over his own tongue, to Shepard's great amusement. Within a minute, a gangly salarian came running down the steps and handed a small package to Bray, who handed it to Shepard. He felt around the object, feeling four bulges in the middle, looking up at Aria for confirmation.

Watching the conversation, Garrus glanced at Tali worryingly. The angle of the exchange was made that she had no idea what was going on but only Garrus had seen the package exchange hands. He had a sneaking suspicion on what it contained but he dared not open his mouth to Tali. He did not need to be dragged any deeper into this colossal mess than he had already gotten.

"Free of charge, Shepard," Aria said with a wave of her hand. "Consider it going to the debt that I owe you after all you've done for me. Be careful with those, though. Hydromorphone will absolutely fuck you up if you take more than you can handle."

Shepard clutched his package tightly before shoving it into an inside pocket of his jacket. "You sure this stuff is safe for someone like me to use?"

"Guaranteed, that shit is way too expensive to allot for a high death rate."

"I'm not sure those statistics are even related-"

"It was a joke, Shepard," Aria sighed. "Just be smart with those things and they'll work as intended. Please don't make me treat you like a fucking infant on how to take your medicine. If that's all you need from me, you can go now."

Relieved at being so rapidly dismissed from Aria's presence, Shepard scooped up his drink and started walking around, in an aimless direction but getting away from the mad asari all the same. There was no way he was going back to the bar, seeing as it was too precariously positioned toward the dancers and the excess movement would only make him uncomfortable. He slowly walked around, scanning the area and hoping to snag an empty table before some party decided to unreasonably cram ten people around a place that only seated two. Proper seating was a rare commodity in a place like this.

Shepard drained his glass as he walked; taking a long look upward at the rotating lights that illuminated the entire room with color. The flares were just a distraction, a way to get the minds of people off of the war, distracting them with a glittering façade and shining up for them on a silver platter. He must have been looking for so long, distracted at the presentation, that he wasn't watching where he was going.

Abruptly, he felt something hard bump into him and he released his grip on the empty glass in surprise. There was a grunt followed by the shatter of what was unmistakably the breaking of his cup. He looked down in alarm and saw a young girl sprawled out on the floor from being barreled over by him, face stunned as she obviously was not expecting her night to take this sort of turn.

"Oh my god," Shepard breathed as he knelt to help the poor girl up. "I'm so sorry about that, I wasn't looking where I was going-"

"It's no problem, really!" the girl cheerfully replied, having shaken off the shock of having been flung to the floor. Shepard could see that she was wearing a low cut dress and heels, her brown hair tied up in a long ponytail. In this darkness, however, Shepard couldn't be sure if she was all that attractive or not. But by the way she was swaying in place, either she had hit her head or she had consumed quite a few more drinks than he had.

"Are you sure? You took a pretty big spill and it was all my fault."

"Everything's fine!" she assured, dusting herself off. "I probably should've been paying more attention as well, I should have expected this and –oh no, you broke your glass-"

Shepard shrugged. "I was done with it anyway. I probably didn't need another drink that badly."

The girl giggled for a second but froze in awe as the light from a projected briefly washed over Shepard's face but that was enough time for her. "Oh my gosh…you're Commander Shepard!"

_Oh no, I better not have to sign another autograph_. "Guilty as charged," he managed with a somewhat forced smile. "I didn't realize you were a fan."

"A fan?" the girl gushed. "Like, you're a fucking war hero! You're awesome! I'm Rachael, by the way."

_How eloquent. A master wordsmith, clearly_. Shepard of course didn't voice the sarcastic nature of his own thoughts, holding out his hand instead for a shake. "Nice to meet you, Rachael. Sorry about knocking into you earlier."

"No big deal," Rachael shrugged again. "So, what exactly are you doing _here_ of all places, Shepard? I never figured you to be a party person."

Shepard fidgeted slightly, unnoticeable from the seizure-inducing strobes. "I was actually just leaving. I-…" He was struggling to come up with a good reason to get out of this place. Was it the atmosphere? Was it Rachael? Everything was becoming one continuous torrent of noise, preventing him from thinking clearly.

Rachael looked crestfallen. "Oh. Well, where were you planning to go afterward?"

"Back to my ship, the Normandy," he answered truthfully, wondering what effect that would have on her determination.

"Oh wow, the Normandy! I've heard all about it but…but that means you're going right now, huh?"

"Afraid so."

"Come on, Shepard!" Rachael pleaded. "The night's not even half over and I- I can show you other places, places more fun than this dingy old dump here!"

Shepard certainly knew what she meant by "other places" but the jury was still out on taking her up on her offer. Was there merit in staying a little longer or should he just walk away and head back to the Normandy where he could drink to his heart's content? Each had its advantages, but it was the disadvantages that were not readily visible to him at this time.

But then, the sight of Tali, gazing at him accusingly from his mind, came to form. Shepard breathed in, seeing her turn her back on him, waving away the last of the fog before looking upon Rachael again. His fists clenched in response. Fine, if Tali wouldn't leave him alone, he'll see to it that she will regret ever coming back to him at all. He'll show her that he wasn't going to let her get to him, that he could do more things than she could…and she wouldn't be able to stop him.

"So…" he grinned mischievously. "What sort of other places did you have in mind?"

Rachael's face brightened dramatically, unbelieving that her offer had actually been taken up. "Oh, tons of places! I just need to go back to my apartment on the Presidium to change and then we can leave. But I promise that you will have a good time! Honest!"

Now that she had him hook, line, and sinker, she wasn't even attempting to be as subtle as she was five minutes ago. Besides, when the light did flash onto her, she was fairly pretty, he had to admit. Shepard gestured in the direction of the door and they walked out, Rachael with giddiness in her step and him with a smug grin on his face.

Watching the whole thing, Garrus saw Tali's hands ball up, her fists shaking so badly that they were audibly tapping against the table. Her gaze was glued onto Shepard's back as he walked out of the door with Rachael, her heart dropping so hard that it started to ache.

Tali felt like she was slipping into an abyss the more she realized that the situation was more hopeless than she'd thought. How could Shepard have moved on from her to that…that…_floozy!_ That barely legal whore that batted her eyes at him once and suddenly he was putty in her paws.

_Are you really that cruel, John? So shallow as you really would turn you back on me so quickly? I never wanted…this._

Tears were starting to fill in her eyes but they did not spill, her visor thankfully masking this fact from Garrus, who breathed in sharply to combat his anxiety. She couldn't help releasing a single sob, though, choking the others back but tilting her head all the same. When she closed her eyes, the tears all flowed forth _en masse_ as she sniffled horribly, sinking lower and lower in her chair as the realization impacted all the way to her core, wrenching her stomach and stealing her breath. Her cheeks quickly became damp as she tried to stifle herself, switching off her vocabulator so that Garrus wouldn't hear her anymore.

Garrus felt very uncomfortable sitting across from the crying quarian. This was definitely one of the worst places he had been in his life. He reached across for Tali but did not touch her, fearful of what might happen if something else scarred her fragile emotions.

"Tali…I…I'm very sorry…I…"

"Hey buddy," Garrus snapped out of his emphasizing attitude to being completely annoyed in a split second, whirling to face another turian, this one's face marked with white paint, as he leaned over with an arrogant leer.

Garrus' eyes narrowed sharply. "Go away. We're in the middle of a delicate conversation."

The other turian nodded mockingly. "Yes. I can see that. But I don't think your girlfriend appreciates your company all that much. See how she's crying? I think she'd be better off with someone like me."

"What…her?" Garrus looked at Tali, who was too distracted with regret to realize that someone else had joined their party. "We're not dating and you don't understand the situation all that well, pal. You should just leave."

"I can understand perfectly fine, asshole!" The turian said indignantly, perplexed at Garrus' reaction. "If you aren't dating, then what's the harm in me taking her out for a while?" He started to reach to touch Tali's shoulder but Garrus stood up suddenly, rocking the table and sending his chair capsizing.

"Don't you lay a finger on her!" he snarled, feeling his fringe start to twitch.

The other turian shrugged. "What the hell, man? It's like you said, you two aren't dating so I think that I have the right to fuck this little bucket all I wa-"

Tali had not been paying attention to the conversation and nor did she pay attention to the roar Garrus gave out as he struck the turian with his fist, knocking loose a few teeth and spraying blood all over the dance floor. A few screams sounded from the nearby patrons but the staff just looked on the tussle as a completely normal routine. Garrus by now had gotten on top of the other turian and began pummeling away at him, easily dominating the fight by a wide margin.

Uncaring, Tali folded her arms across the table and laid her head on top of them, letting the surface encompass her entire vision as the dull ring of punches echoed briefly before the music swallowed the noise up.

* * *

><p>Shepard would have to summarize this entire day as one where nothing came as expected. Certainly he could have never predicted he would find himself enthralled in <em>this<em> situation, in the apartment of a girl he didn't even know with her on top of him, as she was finding some value in having a celebrity in her midst.

His jacket had been tossed aside, the precious package already opened on the nightstand beside them. In her drunken spree, she had located his painkillers and, being something of an adventurous sort, wanted to try them out immediately. Seeing as that using them had been in Shepard's plan all along, he relented and soon both were experiencing the same floating sensation during their test run, feeling dizzy from hardly moving as time slowed to a crawl.

Within moments, Shepard found himself pushed onto Rachael's bed (at least he hoped it was _her_ bed) and was surprised when she stepped out of her dress before leaping onto him. She was naked underneath the fabric but he had barely enough time to look at her properly before she descended her lips upon his face and kissed him hard, her hair spilling into his eyes.

Shepard closed his eyes, already expecting some pleasurable sensations from the act but Rachael's lips on him were…colder than he would have liked, oddly enough. She sucked at his skin but he did not kiss her back, feeling oddly flummoxed for some reason. There was nothing in him that was actively responding to her, even the motion of her pelvic region grinding against him failed to ignite an iota of lust. This was strange, he mused as Rachael slipped her fingers underneath his shirt and pulled it over his head, not noticing the complete lack of movement from him. Was this a side effect from the painkillers? Could they be preventing him from feeling pleasure anymore?

Her hands traced all around his chest but Shepard sucked in his breath for they seemed icy cold on his body, failing to produce that kind of loving warmth that he got from Ta-

_No…No! Do not even think about her! Not now…not now…_

Rachael sat up, continuing to grind against him (and still failing to get Shepard aroused), allowing him to get a better look at her body. She was a wholesome girl, a little wider than he had figured for either the dress or the darkness of the club was responsible for hiding her form, but it was pleasing to the eye nevertheless.

But…Shepard was torn from looking at her comparatively wide stomach, somehow preferring someone a little…thinner. And, now that he looked closer, her breasts were a bit larger than he would have liked. They just sagged against Rachael, her nipples dark and large against her light skin. She was definitely overcompensated in that regard, but of course when the last woman had been a delight to him in every way…

"_John, please…please touch me…"_

Shepard groaned, closing his eyes shut, trying to force Tali out of his head. Of all the times for this to happen, right when he was in the middle of something this important, too! What the hell was _in_ this hydromorphone?

Rachael took his noise to be for pleasure and, now encouraged, began grinding on him harder, fumbling at his belt to take off his pants. Shepard, worried that she might detect the lack of actual progress on him, stopped her with a hand, giving an awkward grin to which she smiled fully.

She rolled to the side, hands holding her breasts as she spread her legs, revealing herself to him. It was obvious that she was ready, judging by the multiple different signals her body was sending him. Shepard stood up, his loose pants falling to his ankles, as Rachael scooted forward so that he wouldn't have to reach for her. He held out an arm, feeling his fingers gently brush the woman's hip, seeking comfort in her soft skin.

But even though she was laughing and smiling like she was really enjoying it, her flesh just felt like sandpaper to him. He felt cold, detached. Shepard was swimming within his mistakes, the sanctity of his own soul desecrated as his world morphed before him. He could almost imagine Tali standing behind him, looking upon the two with a sad and judging gaze.

"_I…I need you, John…that- that's it…ah…ohhhhhh…"_

_SHUT UP! Why won't you leave me alone!?_

Now Shepard's nails were scratching at Rachael's thigh, causing her to gasp as she interpreted the pain to be brought on by desire and not by anguish. In fact, she did not comprehend anything at all in the manner of which things were to be taken. Shepard's grinding of teeth and strained muscles were not from trying to control taking Rachael right on the bed, rather it was trying to control Tali taking _him_. She persisted, in his mind, in his body, and in his very being. Goosebumps ran up his arms, veins popping out as he tried to think of something else, anything else.

Rachael moaned, getting impatient. "Baby, come here. I'm waiting for you…" She rubbed her thighs together in a tantalizing manner but this produced the exact opposite reaction she was expecting.

Her voice successfully snapping him from that little slice of hell, Shepard looked down, sweat beading on his brow, as he saw the naked woman begin to tease herself to urge him on and claim what was his for the night. To him, she was little more than a bag of meat, a scowl crossing his features as he comprehended this fact. He withdrew his hands and she tensed expectedly, but he did something she could never have anticipated.

He took a step back.

"No," he got out; just sounding the word itself was a strenuous effort that sapped him of his strength, leaving his teeth chattering.

Rachael looked puzzled. "No, what? Baby?"

"Don't call me that," Shepard growled as he bent to pick up his pants, tightening his belt. "This was a mistake. I'm terribly sorry about this."

"What are you talking about?" she seemed genuinely confused as she sat up, her breasts drooping down again.

"Look, Rachael, you're a nice girl, but you've got to understand-"

"Wait, are you saying that you're done? We're not going to fuck?"

"No, we're _not_ going to fuck," Shepard sighed, everything become slightly clearer the more he spoke. "I'm sorry, but I just can't." His shirt was lying at the foot of the bed and he picked it up, clenching it in his hand but still looking at Rachael. "This has nothing to do with you, I shouldn't have taken you up on your offer. To someone like you, it's terribly unfair and I can understand if you're angry at me-"

"That's it? Just like that?"

_Dear god, this girl is dense_. "That's just how's it's going to go." _Just get out. Leave, before this gets any worse._

Rachael's mouth turned into a snarl as she finally comprehended that she was not going to get laid on this night. "You _motherfucker_."

She launched herself at Shepard and slapped him hard on the face. The act itself didn't move his head much but it stung like hell. _Great, fine. Let that be it. Don't draw this out any- _But Shepard would continue to be surprised as the girl curved her fingers and scratched at him with her nails, leaving gouges on his chest, drawing blood.

"Ow!" Shepard was shocked as he backed up some more, but the nude woman followed, still landing blows upon him. "Cut that out!"

"You bastard!" she yelled. "You shit! You fucking prick! You wind me up and at the very last moment you back out? You fucker, you can't leave me like this!"

"I can and I will!" he hollered back, shoving his shirt back on so that it would provide some protection from her nails. "What part of 'no' do you not understand?"

She was not listening as she now grabbed Shepard's shirt, forcing him back to the bed. Looking back, it was rather comical having a stark-naked woman chase after him like this but right now, there was nothing funny about it in the slightest. "You don't like girls, huh?" She was now ranting, saying whatever popped into her head, proving to be her downfall as she still hit Shepard. "Is it because you like boys instead? Do you feel satisfied at seeing me humiliated like this? Do you, you fucking faggot? _Faggot, faggot, faggot, faggot_-"

"Goddamn it, _shut up!_" Shepard screamed as he finally thrust his arms out, shoving Rachael backward onto the bed. Perhaps he had used more force than he intended because the girl _flew_ rather than fell, her head crashing against the headboard of the bed. Her body fell limp and she became quiet almost immediately, the only sound coming from her was a faint groan before her arms twitched once.

_Uh-oh_. Concerned, Shepard hurried over to the sprawled out woman, hesitant at first in case she was faking. When it was apparent that she was not putting on an act, he gently placed two fingers on her temple and checked for a pulse.

He was in luck, the blood beat steadily through her veins. She was just knocked out. That didn't give Shepard all that much relief as being knocked unconscious was still a serious situation to be caught in, unlike what the media portrayed. Brain damage was a definite possibility for whenever someone lost consciousness and any injury would have to be treated with the utmost care, something that Rachael probably needed right about now.

_Shit, shit, shit! Why didn't you just leave when you had the chance?_

The muddled feeling was returning to him, and with it, a soft laugh – one that did not come from him, but from an old and unwanted acquaintance. But he had no time to converse now, he needed to get this woman some medical attention so that he could soothe part of his conscience by doing so.

Quickly opening his omni-tool, he sent an anonymous alert to Citadel Emergency Services, requesting a trauma care unit. That should take care of Rachael, she did not deserve this anyway. Shepard threw on his jacket and stuffed his opened package back into his pocket. Before he left, he went back to the bed and threw the covers over the unconscious woman to provide her with some modesty for when the paramedics would find her.

"You were a very nice girl," he whispered as he stood over her. "This should have never happened to you and I'm sorry for that."

Two minutes later, as he walked along the lake of the Presidium, allowing some time to collect his thoughts before the hydromorphone could overpower them again, he was relieved to hear the sound of sirens in the direction from which he had come. The woman was in safe hands now, he had done his part. Shepard knew he had to travel back to the Normandy at some point but right now, at the point when it was most quiet on the station, he was not all that inclined.

Shepard found a bench near a fountain and sat down, watching the water ripple before him, wondering if he could have handled the entire day better, letting the throbbing pain from his wounds subside as the painkiller went back to work.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: You know, it's past time that I gave readers Silhouette55 and rangersleadtheway a shout-out for their continued devotion to slogging through this story (and apologies for I am horrible with responding back to reviews. PM's on the other hand , I pay more attention to). Thanks guys, your reviews never fail to make me smile and feel like an evil maniac at the twisting of emotions.**_

_**Speaking of which, this was a chapter that was quite tough to write (and much longer than I expected). I know I threw some pretty heavy stuff at you readers so I'm rather curious as to that aspect. What did you think of the events of this chapter? Am I handling these scenes well? Is this getting a little too intense for your taste or am I just a childish idiot for even writing this stuff in the first place?**_

_**Particularly, I'm intrigued to find out how many near heart attacks this chapter created. If I've succeeded, let me know and I'll proceed to chuckle evilly to myself and add another mark to the overall tally. I kid, but I like it when my readers are involved.**_

_**Heh…heh…**_


	6. Chapter 6: Breakdown

It had been three hours since Shepard had popped the hydromorphone into his system, although considering his warped state of mind, it felt like three days to him all had been rolled into one and he had just fast forwarded through that frame. The effects of time itself seemed not to be in effect upon him as he walked through the deck of his ship. He merely floated, weightless, in this heavy environment, untied from his constraints on the real world.

It must have been a combination of his physical makeup and advances in the pharmacological industry that heightened the effects on him right now. Shepard's metabolism had been completely screwed up when he had been reconstructed by Cerberus that he was now capable of digesting everything four times as fast, which explained why the pills had kicked in after only ten minutes of consumption. Add to that the enhanced delivery molecular breakdown that pills possessed and the potential reaction time had been lessened dramatically.

It was a comfortable numbness, one that Shepard could find solace in. If he so wanted, he could just fall flat onto the ground and take a nap right there. That actually sounded like a good idea, after he did this one thing first.

There probably was not a real good reason for him taking this detour, as it did not seem likely to yield any measurable results. Hell, it probably wouldn't be a pleasant experience the more he thought about it. Perhaps it was an aspect of his pride that needed to be mended, brought up to the top of his things-to-do list all thanks to his mental deterioration.

Shepard's coordination had not been affected, for which he was grateful, and he crossed the mess with no issues. Walking into the main battery, his foot briefly caught on a step and he stumbled slightly but caught himself, hoping that no one saw him. Cracking his fingers, he steeled himself as he strode into the room, finding Garrus tapping dutifully away at the console in the center.

Alerted, the turian turned around and saw Shepard scowling behind him, the dark red light from the battery casting a silhouette over him. Garrus' eyes narrowed briefly in concern before brightening and he closed his workstation for now, giving his superior the respect by projecting his full attention onto him.

"Shepard," Garrus spoke clearly. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

The human slowly crossed his arms over his chest, quietly picking out his next moves from the hurricane that was his mind. He then reached out with a hand towards the door and found the lock switch on the hologram. The green icon now flashed red as the bolts slid into place, preventing the door from being opened by anyone on the outside. It would be just the two of them for however long Shepard wanted.

Now Garrus was starting to get a little worried, attempting to figure out if this encounter was merely coincidental or not. He brushed his fingers, thankful that his gloves concealed the scratches he'd received from punching that one turian at the bar, washed free of the blood now. "Shepard?" He still kept his voice neutral, miraculously. "Something important we need to discuss?"

"Yes," Shepard growled out, keeping his balance even though his legs had gone completely numb at this point. "We do need to discuss something important."

The turian bit back a sigh, choosing instead to shrug and keep the atmosphere as light as possible. "Is it about the current output from the Thanix? I know I promised that the microfusion cells would need to be upgraded and that the venting from the plasma bleed needed to be controlled-"

"Later," Shepard interrupted. "The Thanix _is_ an important topic, but I'm sure you'll have it under control soon enough. I wanted to talk to you about something else, though."

Could Shepard detect the guilt wafting off the turian? Garrus was thankful that humans couldn't read the turian expression for nervousness because he would definitely detect his agitated state right about now. "If not the Thanix, what is it?"

"To get to the point, I'm just curious, seeing that I'm expected to keep tabs on my crewmembers, I was wondering where you and Tali got off to last night."

Garrus was now panicking internally. _Someone told_, he thought. That was the only explanation, there was no other way Shepard could possibly find out- _But wait! He only wanted to know where we were! He didn't say that we were at Purgatory following him!_

"Well, you see…" Garrus stammered, already making a hash of getting out of a difficult situation. "Tali, you know, wanted a…a…new smart choke for her shotgun…and-and-and she wanted some company…"

The poorly veiled lie had been shattered immediately upon impact as Shepard tilted his head downward and chuckled. The sound was very sinister and it made Garrus feel six inches shorter, by the way the human was clearly enjoying himself, for whatever masochistic reason.

Shepard muttered softly to himself, "I gave you one chance, and you blew it." More clearly, he spoke to Garrus, his eyes reproaching. "Is there any reason why you're trying to hide the fact that you and Tali followed me to Purgatory last night?"

"How did you know that?" Garrus blurted, not even realizing until a second later that he had just made a huge mistake.

The human's eyebrows rose noticeably in satisfaction. "Actually, I had no proof that you were in Purgatory to begin with, but since you just admitted the fact to me now, I don't have to spend any more time questioning you on that, do I?"

"B-B-But," Garrus was flabbergasted, not even bothering to deny the accusation any further. "How did you even know that we left the ship in the first place?"

Truthfully, Shepard was finding this whole process to be going much easier than he had anticipated. He had expected that the turian would put up a formidable strategy and divert his questions in an aggravating way. He had not foreseen complete capitulation.

"Garrus, I'm the _captain_ of the Normandy. Whenever someone leaves this ship, I am automatically alerted to that departure at all times." He held up his glowing omni-tool for emphasis, still unable to even sense his limb moving even though the proof was literally right in front of his face. "I know that you and Tali left just five minutes after me because I had received a notification at that exact time. The funny thing was, that when I left, you were too engrossed in your work here to even _think_ about taking a break for the next few hours, so there would be no real reason as to why you should have left in the first place, unless your presence was requested specifically and rather suddenly. The fact that Tali had you come along only could have meant that she needed someone as protection, in case things would not go as expected. Someone like _you_."

The cat was well out of the bag by now and probably on its way to Ilos, if it had a shred of good sense. Garrus finally let the sigh escape from him and leaned back on the console, raising his hands in defeat. "Okay, fine. You're right, Shepard. We _did_ follow you to Purgatory, but we didn't follow you out." He hoped Shepard would register the slight hint but he would find no reaction from his words.

"What did you think you saw?"

"I _know_ I saw enough."

"Always the clever detective, huh?" Shepard snarled. "But this time, you're drawing up your own conclusions without any solid proof to back up your claims. Face it, you don't have a thing, Vakarian."

But he was wrong, Garrus did have something. It was that very thing that caused him to reach out and snatch Shepard's arm without him reacting first, feeling the give in the muscles and concentrating very hard at his eyes. He searched very hard into those deep pupils before Shepard yanked his arm back and shouted, "Get your damn hands off of me!"

"Solid proof?" Garrus asked rhetorically. "I have everything I need. I _saw_ the package, Shepard. Tali didn't see it, but _I_ did."

"Oh wow, you saw me take a package, good for you."

"Slow response time, limp rigidity, dilated pupils," Garrus said as if he was reciting from a textbook. "All symptoms of painkiller abuse. Of which one, I can't say, but it does explain the erratic nature of your behavior of late."

"_Erratic nature?!_" Shepard screamed. "_What_ erratic nature? You're really reaching the limit of my patience at this moment, pal!"

"You're high, Shepard," the turian said evenly. "It actually all makes sense now. Have you not been able to put together that this is one of the causes of all your personal problems right now?"

"Don't judge my life, Garrus," Shepard seethed. "My problems are my own and you have no right to barge into them!"

"That may be true, but when I see a major conflict that has the potential to be resolved so easily, I can't help but be completely astonished at _both_ of your childish behaviors. I've kept mum about this but I can sit idly by no longer. I'm involved now. Shepard, can't you see that Tali is _miserable_ without you? That's she's been pining ever since she had to come back on board this ship?"

Garrus' words were a mixed bag to Shepard, which didn't change his mood in the slightest. "You know what, Garrus? That's good. I'm _glad_ she's miserable. I'm glad you were able to tell me that because I've _been_ miserable for eight fucking months. Eight months since she left me for a goddamned promotion instead of staying with me. Am I supposed to feel for her now that you've given me her side of the story? Comparatively, it sounds like I've still been handed the short end of the stick."

"You dense bastard." Garrus was starting to get angry, his fear evaporating in place of cold rage. "What you did last night only made things _worse!_ You talk about getting even and you yourself are unable to see the pain that woman's been going through. She was sobbing her eyes out when she saw you leave with that girl at the club. No doubt you screwed her, right? Just as you screwed Tali _over_, I guess."

Shepard had already set the tone with his aggressive stance, still too prideful to voice his other side on the matter. _Did she know? Could she still want me?_ "I don't care," he said instead. "It isn't like we're together anymore so I think that I have every right to have sex with a willing woman once in a while." There was no way in hell that he would mention the fact that he had been unable to go through with the act, figuring that the embarrassment would tip things over in Garrus' favor. This was one thing he was determined to win and he wouldn't give that turian the satisfaction by giving him the complete facts. Not yet, at least.

Garrus shot forward to within half a foot of Shepard's body, eyes wide as he shouted explosively. "Quarians cannot mate as spontaneously as humans, you idiot! Tali has _bonded_ to you, Shepard! Can't you see that? She is physically _incapable_ of moving on from what you two had together, that's why her emotions are so strongly tied to you! She is slowly getting broken down from your forced separation! You're _killing_ her, Shepard! What you are doing is killi-"

Never in Shepard's life did he ever expect a conclusion like this. His arm moved, seemingly of its own accord, as the impulse twitched in his mind. He hit Garrus, the blow muffled by the painkillers, only a dull vibration up his arm registering, the turian's shocked expression burned into his mind as his knuckles turned white from the abuse.

Garrus was propelled against the console, blue blood dribbling from his mouth. His eyepiece had been knocked off, flying through the air to land on the ground some feet away. The turian felt like he had been smashed in the face with a hammer, the impact leaving him stunned on the ground as everything went blurry for a few seconds. He shook his head to clear it, hearing Shepard say something in the background but a hollow ringing had been brought to the forefront, drowning the human out.

Shepard, seeing Garrus crumpled on the floor, gave him pause and enough time to stammer out, "Oh god, Garrus. Garrus…I'm very sorry, I don't know what came over-"

With a primal yell, Garrus launched himself off the floor and lowered himself down. His shoulder slammed into Shepard's midsection and pushed him into the far wall. Shepard yelled as his ribs were uncomfortably pressed together, _that_ pain registering through the hydromorphone fog. He savagely brought an elbow down onto Garrus' shoulder blade and with a yelp, he was freed.

He barely had time to recover before Garrus sank a fist into his gut, causing him to cough horribly. A blow to his back miraculously cured him of his predicament and he found an opening in Garrus' stance and hit the turian squarely on the side of the head again, this time opening up a huge gash on his mandible and jaw, the blood already dripping onto the floor.

If anything, Garrus had been even more enraged by the attacks, coming at Shepard with an intensity he could not stand against. Several bunched fists found their way onto Shepard's body, covering him with bruises. One impacted just above Shepard's cheekbone, giving him a nasty black eye. As he felt the cuts start to accumulate, Shepard was aware of his limbs moving slower than usual, even considering this interesting aspect as Garrus socked him across the face, causing his nose and mouth to spurt blood.

That last blow landed Shepard down to the ground, but he still felt well enough to continue. He was fully aware of his injuries but that didn't mean he could feel most of them. Attempting to sit up, he was interrupted as Garrus rolled on top of him and grabbed around neck in a lock, restricting his windpipe.

"Yield, Shepard!" he could faintly hear Garrus yell, even as his vision was beginning to blacken. His hands beat at the turian's arms but no amount of painkillers was going to make _this_ problem go away.

"Yield!" Garrus spat out, careful not to exert too much pressure lest he rupture a blood vessel in the human's neck. "Shepard, please…yield." He shut his eyes, fearful that he might have to let fate take care of the rest when he suddenly felt an ever so slight tap on his forearm, a signal. Relieved, he immediately released Shepard, letting the human roll away and retch on the ground, both of them breathing heavily after their impromptu exertion.

Spit and mucus were expunged from Shepard's mouth as he continued to cough on the ground. Garrus backed up until he was leaning against the console, watching Shepard recover as he let his racing heart calm down. Although, any physical pain he had accumulated was overshadowed by the sinking feeling in his stomach at the realization that he had just struck a superior officer. _That_ cut far more deeply than any scratch on him. In the turian military, that was enough cause to be dishonorably discharged. Considering the lack of restraint Shepard had proved, he was more fearful of the human's reaction to such a shocking act.

He held out a hand from the ground to showcase his sympathy and helplessness. "Shepard…_spirits_…I-I-I cannot forgive myself for what I did…it was…it was…" Shepard had stopped hacking up his lungs by now but did not speak, still blankly staring at the ground as Garrus spluttered some more. "What…what did I just do? I…I cannot express to you how sorry I am for doing that, Shepard. It was insubordinate, it was idiotic, and I let myself get carried away. With your permission, I ask your leave to be granted a posting away from the Normandy-"

"No." It was the clearest word out of his mouth that day, in more ways than one. "You're not going anywhere."

Garrus shut his eyes mournfully, almost moaning in fear. "What would you have of me then? Are you going to throw me in the brig? Have me publicly made as an example to the rest of the crew?"

"Neither," Shepard groaned as he got to his feet, holding a hand to his ribs where one of Garrus' blows had successfully made contact. "You're going to stay right here and continue what you were doing before I came in." To the turian, he offered a hand, to which he gratefully (yet cautiously) accepted, being pulled to his feet soon after.

"I-I don't understand…"

"It was my fault," Shepard dipped his head. "I'm the one that threw the first punch. The blame for what happened next rests squarely on my shoulders. You made an error by talking to me like that, Garrus, but I made a bigger one by escalating our discussion into violence. A leader must never let his emotions take over like that, I should have _known_ better!"

Relief didn't register on Garrus immediately but he was starting to find his way back down to earth, momentarily ignoring the blood encrusting around his face. "I…but I was the one out of line, Shepard," he defended lamely. "I deserve-"

"I will hear no more of it," Shepard coldly replied. "You said what you wanted to say and that's fine. I will not punish you any more than you have already received and we shall speak no more of this incident. I can overlook your insubordinate attitude today but I fear that the next time I won't be so lenient."

"Sounds perfectly acceptable, Shepard," Garrus winced as he put a hand to his face, gingerly prodding his injuries. "Do I have your leave to frequent the med bay, then?" When catching Shepard's suspicious glance, he assured him, "No one will know of what happened between us. I'll tell Chakwas that I slipped and fell. I promise you."

"Tell her whatever you wish. You may leave." He watched Garrus unlock the door and limped out into the hall where the cryotubes lined the sides. "Before you go, I want to formally apologize, Garrus. I don't want there to be any animosity between us and I don't want to be remembered this way by you."

"You won't. I accept your apology." Before the door closed between them, adding yet another rift, Garrus slowly turned around to look forlornly at Shepard. "You can't keep treating Tali this way, you know. Perhaps _she's_ the one who doesn't deserve your animosity."

Shepard waited a few minutes after Garrus had left, only the beating of his heart producing any noticeable sound. He could still taste the salty blood in his mouth, moving his tongue around to get rid of it. Judging by the fact that he was still not all the way out of his painkiller marathon and that he could feel the wounds sustained on him, it was not a far cry to determine that his injuries were worse than Garrus'. But he would rather ingest a whole vial of hydromorphone rather than deal with Chakwas again, the thought of another drug lecture making him shudder. Besides, he had bandages and alcohol up in his cabin. The perfect medicine for the job.

As he made to leave, he spied something blue glittering on the ground over by the workbench. Stooping, he reached out to pick it up and realized that it was Garrus' eyepiece, having been knocked off his head when he had thrown that first punch, lying forgotten on the floor of the battery. Clutching it in his hand, he was of a mind to bring it to Garrus right away when he realized that Chakwas would undoubtedly be tying him up at this moment. And any more awkward situations today were to be avoided like the plague.

There would be other opportunities to return it, he considered as he pocketed the portable display.

* * *

><p>Tali knew something was off the second she entered the mess. It wasn't so much that the attitude was a bit on edge, seeing as the entire crew knew they were about to depart for Rannoch in a matter of hours on a dangerous mission, but that the stiffness of one person in the room that changed everything.<p>

She had come down from her duties in the war room to grab dinner, sterilized nutrition paste as usual, and get back up to continue working. Everything in her mental schedule changed when she saw Garrus skulking in the corner, chowing down his meal quietly, hunched over as if he was an inmate.

The turian was too engrossed in his food to notice anyone else, but when he raised his head to dab at his mouth with a napkin, Tali could see several bandages line his face as well as a few new blue marks on top of his usual face paint from where his skin had been cut. Garrus must have been more distracted than her because she had been standing in that one spot for fifteen seconds looking at his injuries and he hadn't even noticed her. He would never get a chance because she eventually wheeled about and headed back to the elevator, almost knocking over Kaidan as she pressed the floor to the cabin.

She knew that Garrus had been fine when they had come back from Purgatory. Even though he had just been in a fight, she had realized that Garrus' had won handily and that any injuries sustained on his end were relatively minimal. That being said, there was no other explanation to find him completely coated with bandages and gauze for cosmetic wounds he had somehow accumulated within the past hour. Against her better judgment, her conclusion lay at the top floor of this ship, waiting in a place where she could not reach.

Normally, the prospect of entering Shepard's cabin would have terrified her but she was so incensed that fear was not an option at this point. Tali barged in, the unlocked door closing behind her as she saw Shepard sitting in front of his desk, an opened bottle of some amber liquid in close proximity as well as a glass half-full of the stuff. Her indignation speaking for her, she blurted out, "Why the _hell_ is Garrus hurt?"

"I thought I told you never to talk to me," Shepard said slowly, not even turning to face her as he raised the glass to his lips.

Watching him gulp the alcohol down, she fumed underneath her mask. "This is important, you _bosh'tet_. _What happened to him?_"

Shepard proceeded to refill his glass, tone mild. "Perhaps he slipped and fell. Accidents in the workplace are not uncommon experiences, you know."

"Do not lie to me!"

"Lie to you?" Shepard now turned his chair around so that she could properly see. The sight of Shepard's face, heavily and sloppily bandaged, made Tali blink in surprise. A tissue had been stuffed up his nose, stemming a bleeding nostril, and medi-gel had been applied to a bruise around one eye. He looked much worse than Garrus and now she was worried that she had made a mistake in coming here. "If it was a lie, then it would have been the first from me to you."

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

"I'm not being obscure, Tali," Shepard scowled as he took another sip of his whisky, drowning out the aggravating cramps in his face. "I certainly don't have to explain the nuances of every single sentence I spout out of my mouth to you, do I?"

Tali felt her face flush at the insult. "Can…can't you just stop pretending? T-Treating me like this, I mean. Why can't you quit this whole charade of you trying to act tough and tell me what's bothering you?"

"Who says I'm pretending?" _But she's right, you know_. "What makes _you_ think that something is bothering me?"

"Shepard, you're drinking in your cabin and you're covered in wounds. I've never seen you drink except for special occasions. When you used to be…happy. You've…you've been angry a lot more than usual. Angrier in general. Angrier at _me_…"

"I guess I've moved on a bit," Shepard shrugged as he took another gulp for emphasis, biting back a grimace as his swallow was a bit too large for his taste. "Clearly something that you have failed to do as you _are still standing in my damn cabin when I told you to stay out_."

Tali mentally rooted her feet to where she stood, not letting Shepard frighten her any more today. "I'm not going, Shepard. I know that you want to say something to me because I still have trouble believing that the man I lov- I mean the man I _once knew_ would act like this to me. I…I just want to know why…"

_I do want to say something, Tali. I really do_. But Shepard only kept his face firm and set. "You're deluded, Tali. If had something to say, I would have said it by now. It's only the barest thread of respect that I had of our past history that's been keeping me from physically throwing you back into the elevator myself. You keep up this attitude and things will get worse for you very quickly."

_He's drunk_, she realized. "Is that why you beat up Garrus?"

Shepard scowled and furiously tapped at the edges of his desk, trying to pierce her smoky visor for any tell in her expression. "Garrus crossed a line that had been firmly drawn. We both made errors in judgment and have made efforts toward rectifying any differences. Since you are _not_ an official crewmember of the Normandy anymore, his welfare is none of your concern."

"Is it because he wanted to know why you left the bar with that woman?" Tali shocked herself as her mouth betrayed her, a weight lifting off her and letting her emotions spill forth. Tears formed in the corners of her eyes, looking at Shepard's face for any sort of reaction. What she found was anger, disappointment, and disbelief. No trace of remorse or sorrow. Not even a twitch.

Taking a reserved breath, Shepard answered as calmly as he could muster. "My personal life is not your business anymore, either. You lost that privilege when you decided to abandon me back on Earth. Your involving of Garrus indirectly resulted in why we resorted to blows; it was through _your_ meddling that resulted in this needlessly awkward situation. For that matter, I don't think it should even rate on your radar of whom I choose to spend any personal time with. You're no longer a part of my life, Tali. Stop trying to get back into it." _I can't…I just can't…Tali, please forgive me…_

_He knows…He knows we followed him…_ Her fierceness sapped, Tali's fight went out of her as Shepard's stern words tore into her like flechettes. _Ancestors, please…I can't do this much longer…_ The tears perched precariously on her lids dripped forth, the feeling warm on her cheeks. "Well?" she croaked. "Did you?"

"Did I do what?"

"Did you _sleep_ with her, you bastard?!" Tali yelled, Shepard's eyes widening from the burst of raw emotion. "Did you have sex with that…that…that bitch?"

From the way Tali was moving, it looked like she would collapse within a minute from sheer agitation. Shepard managed to watch and listen to the whole thing without moving a muscle, waiting for Tali to finish before deciding on what to say. Licking his dry lips, he sighed before speaking. "I did not."

Tali's jaw dropped inside her helmet. Shepard was still sitting stoically across from her, his face lined with a determined anger. She slowly bared her teeth in a growl at his audacity, the sheer nerve of the human to say that to her face! "I don't believe you," was her reply. "I told you not to lie to me." _But…what if he's not lying? What if he means what he said?_

Shepard had expected this sort of reaction. Surely her anger was too great to forgive him that easily. "I don't care what you think. But ask yourself, what would I gain by lying to you about this? What would be the overall point?" _Just give me that one reason to forgive you…just tell me that you were wrong, and I'll forgive you…_

She pushed aside his logic, still too distraught to even consider the possibilities infringing upon her. Before she could stop herself, she spat out nastily, "Either that, or you're just too embarrassed to admit that you couldn't mate with her as you did with me because you still _want_ me, don't you?" _Too far, Tali. You went too far._

Shepard gaped at her for a split second before surging out of his chair and closing the distance between them. He felt himself pull his arm back, ready to snap it forward and see her visor crack from his blow. Tali cried out in panic, turning away and holding her hands up to ward off his attack, but it never came. Shepard still stood with his arm raised, like an idiot, replaying the moment when he had hit Garrus, only able to see the turian spit out blood as that blow connected, seeing him fall to the floor in a daze.

This blow did not connect, a fact that Tali realized as she opened her eyes. Shepard was still standing inches away from her but his hand was slowly lowering itself back down to his side. She could now see, to her complete shock, that his eyes were red and raw, starting to get a little watery. She let out a tiny gasp, about to make a clever retort but firmly clamping her jaw shut this time, watching in silence at what the human would do next.

The human's bottom lip trembled as a single tear made its way down past a swollen eyelid. Shepard sniffed and rubbed at his eyes, ashamed at what he almost did. Trying hard not to break down in front of the quarian, he could barely form his next word to her. "_Leave_." Much to his relief, Tali obeyed this time, staring at him thoughtfully as he continued to stand in place, distraught over his continuous loss of control.

Before he knew what was happening, he angrily stomped down beside his bed and withdrew the pistol he always kept in his dresser. Tali had been long gone at this point so he just screamed at the closed door, confident that no one could hear him. "_Is this what you want, you bitch?!_" His gun now found itself pressed against his temple, the cold metal barely registering on him. "Would you feel sorry for me now, if I just did this? Huh? Do you enjoy tormenting me? Do you? _DO YOU?!_"

Demonstrating that he lacked the courage to make good on his threat, he howled and chucked the gun at the wall of his cabin with all his might, now starting to feel his muscles strain and bulge from the quick action. Unfortunately, Shepard's aim had been a little errant, as the pistol sailed through the air and impacted smack-dab onto the leftmost aquarium's glass, shattering it.

Before Shepard knew what was happening, his feet were suddenly drenched as gallons of water poured out of the opening, thick pieces of glass joining it. The noise was tremendous as the water rushed out in a cascade, splashing over everything in close proximity. The water started soaking into the carpet, dampening the bed sheets, and the freed fish started to flop around on the ground, confused as to why they had been unceremoniously deposited on the ground.

"Oh, _goddammit_!" Shepard hollered, completely dumbstruck at how easily his room had been upturned. The incredibility of the situation still driving itself upon him, Shepard numbly found a few buckets in his bathroom and quickly deposited his fish into them as he plucked them from the floor. He filled the buckets in the shower and left them there as he called upon a few cleaning drones to clear up the mess.

It would take an hour for the drones to scourge away all the excess liquid, essentially preventing Shepard from taking a nap to calm himself down. In essence, he was restrained to the top flight of his cabin, with only a bottle of whisky to serve his needs. It would have to be enough, too many things had gotten broken today.

"Love what you've done with the place, Shepard."

Shepard had finished refilling his glass by the time the snide words reached his ears. Clenching the cup so hard he thought it might shatter, he swiveled his chair to the side and saw Saren flick his fingers lazily as he leaned against the wall, chuckling softly.

Another gulp and half the whisky was gone in an instant. "You've caught me in the middle of some renovations, I'm afraid."

"No doubt. I'm sure your aquatic pets really appreciate the change of scenery."

At his wit's end, Shepard gave a theatrical shrug. "What do you want from me _now?_ It surely can't be about how I smashed my aquarium like an idiot, could it?"

"It very well could." Saren glanced over at the pair of drones working away at the drenched carpet. "I actually never could have guessed that you would trash your own room like a depraved lunatic. Really, Shepard, what were you thinking?"

"I wasn't."

"Also very clear. That quarian still giving you heartbreak?"

Shepard's gaze could have melted a hole straight through the Normandy. "_Don't_."

"Or what? You'll break your _other_ aquarium by throwing something at me to get me to leave? That would be just the most unfortunate thing ever. For you."

"I'd crack this bottle over your head if it would do just that," Shepard growled as he hefted the half-full bottle up off his desk, brandishing it like a club.

Saren just laughed instead. "And waste such good whisky? You're too miserly to even carry out _that_ threat, Shepard."

"Perhaps," Shepard admitted as he set the bottle back down. "But you have arrived at a bad time to spout of more of your crap to me. I think that considering most of the abuse I've sustained already today, your ramblings of me and Tali are not going to affect me in the slightest this time."

Saren looked positively dangerous as he lowered his eyes shrewdly. "And do you figure that to be a fact, Shepard?"

"Afraid so," he sighed, draining his glass, feeling oddly calm at this moment, considering he had erupted into two shouting matches within the span of an hour today. He would be damned if he would be caught in a third.

"You can't delay me forever, you know."

"Oh I don't doubt it," Shepard nodded in acceptance. "But I think it would work out better for you some other time. At the moment, I'd rather like to concentrate on drinking while my cabin is being drained and you're spoiling a good time for me to be productive here. So just do me a favor for once and _fuck off_, will you?"

Not bothering to look at the mangled turian for his reply, Shepard poured more whisky into his glass again, eyes already beginning to glaze over. When he had finished administering his next dosage of alcohol, he was aware that his room had been blissfully silent in that time period. He turned in his chair and found himself completely alone, just the quiet beeping of repair drones in the background.

"Huh," Shepard mused as he brought his glass to his lips again. "Can't believe that actually worked."

* * *

><p>Tali hoped that no one would want to use the elevator for the next fifteen or so minutes, because as soon as she had been banished from Shepard's presence, she impulsively pressed the elevator lock button, jamming it in place on the top floor.<p>

There was no other area on the Normandy that she felt was completely and totally private. This bare box, this cramped and hard cube would have to suffice. It was here that she could languish with the soundness of mind that she wouldn't be disturbed until she could get herself under control.

She sank to the ground, feebly pushing herself into a corner as she took a deep breath and let it all out in a rush. Tali could not stop seeing his face, that final look as he intended to strike her and shut her up in that moment. She could feel her tears start to rise again but she was able to look past them as she imagined the multitude of emotions running across his face: anger, hurt, regret, sadness. He didn't hit her after all but it was the thought that he almost did that made her realize how different he had become.

_Shepard would never have hit me before. But he didn't hit me now, so what does that mean?_

Steadfastly refusing to break down this time, she blinked the hot tears out of her eyes and shivered in the cold elevator. Many things had been revealed to her in this encounter, giving her a true glimpse of the person she had fallen in love with. Was he truly distraught over her? Did he actually mean it when he said he did not sleep with anyone else? Tali was now more confused than ever. She was now, to her incredulity, making up excuses for his behavior! And why should he be pardoned like that when he had almost hurt her catastrophically not two minutes ago?

But, Tali had to reason that her final words to Shepard had been in spite, a taunt to drive out his most animalistic rage, driving him over the edge. _ It worked better than you thought. Perhaps you actually deserved to get hit._

No, she decided. There was no going back, not after this. If Shepard wanted them to stay this way, then that was fine by her-

A wrenching gasp cut off her train of thought, her lungs contracting in response to her thoughts again. Tali squeezed her eyes shut, teeth gnashing together as she felt bile began to travel up her throat again. Her arms shot out, steadying her against the floor, support in case she would collapse right here on the ground.

"Force him out, Tali," Rael'Zorah called on the opposite side of the elevator, standing tall over his daughter as he suddenly was given form. "You're strong. Fight him."

"I…I can't," she coughed weakly. "I just _can't_…"

"You can and you will," Rael said, voice sterner than she had ever heard him speak in her life. "You're my daughter, Tali. You can win this. Just leave him behind, all of him."

_No…I will not._ "I don't think I can…" she shook her head.

"It's such a simple thing, Tali," Rael said with disappointment in his voice as he began to walk forward. "Forget him."

"Please…" _I cannot, Father!_

"You will." Rael was now halfway across the elevator, one foot slowly placed in front of the other.

"Oh, _Keelah_," Tali moaned as she scurried backward, the hard metal walls offering her no protection. "Keelah, please…no…"

"If you don't fight, you will always be tied to him," Rael promised. "Break the hold or you will be lost forever."

"_How?!_" she shrieked up at her father, grateful that the elevator was soundproofed. "How? _Please tell me how!_"

Before she could hear his answer, her mind seemed to flex at the same time it felt like her stomach twisted a hundred eighty degrees inside her, a terrible fiery pain in her chest. Drool splatted the interior of her visor as she became listless and finally fainted in a heap.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: The evil maniac in me has been hard at work, it seems.**_

_**Next few chapter are going to cover some important points so don't give up hope just yet!**_


	7. Chapter 7: Hollow Victory

Dreadnought

Her blood was pumping, her mouth dry, as she walked through the interior of the ship. Her squadmembers, like her, were masked this time, their heads concealed with their voices coming through the vocabulators of their helmets in a tinny noise. The ship lacked the proper nitrogen-oxygen atmosphere for them to breathe properly, necessitating the coverings. For once, she was inclined to ask how it felt for them out of spite.

Tali kept her shotgun aimed at the side corridors as the three of them continued down the dank hallway. Pipes and tubes of all shapes and sizes ran about the ceiling, gas hissing through them. The oily grating clanked as their boots tramped all over them, echoing in the dark.

The person taking point gestured to two doors adorning opposite sides of the hallway. She was closer to the leftmost one so she got into position while the second took the right. She checked to see if her gun was fully loaded with clips before positioning herself close enough to trigger the door's proximity sensor.

As the locks tumbled out of place, the brushed metal surface parted and Tali found herself face-to-face with a glowing light, almost blinding her before a series of harsh clicks and whirrs made her clench down on the trigger purely on instinct. The explosion propelled the geth backward, tearing open its torso to let its metallic insides spill forth and clamor on the ground. Freon gas hissed from a punctured tube in the corner from the stray bits, misting in the air and coating the dead synthetic with frost.

Her hands must have been shaking because Garrus came up from behind her and gently pointed her gun to the ground, slowly as not to startle her. Now she could hear the squad leader tromp back to where she stood, most likely checking to see if everything was all right, relatively speaking.

"What happened?" Shepard barked, the light from his helmet obscuring his eyes from her view. She turned her head to the side, ignoring him, but staring down instead at the geth that lined all over the floor at her feet.

"Just another geth," Garrus answered in her stead. "Nothing to worry about."

She could feel the exasperation radiating off of Shepard in waves, judging by his confused body posture. To Tali, he said sternly, "You've faced hundreds of these things before. Don't freeze up now." He might as well have said, "_I don't want you here_," for all that was worth to her.

She never wanted to be here in the first place.

* * *

><p><span>Normandy – Two hours earlier<span>

The unfortunate aspect of her circumstance is that even though she could have avoided her duty altogether, she felt compelled to go through with it, despite her misgivings.

There were thousands of different things Tali could have been doing, a multitude of excuses for her to choose from in order to shirk this one thing, just this one assignment that someone else could do just as well.

She could have claimed that she needed to coordinate her respective fleet, fabricated a story that she needed to modify the drive core to adjust the heat emissions, or just simply refused to answer the unsaid call straight out.

Tali even could have procured medical to back her up by preventing her return to extended duty, seeing as she had just been admitted and interred for an unknown period of time. Somehow, after she had finished arguing with Shepard in his cabin, she had inexplicably found herself resting on a bed in the med bay, Chakwas sitting anxiously in the corner. From what the doctor had been able to determine, EDI had called the lift down to her level after notifying her that Tali had fainted inside it. She had been positioned properly on a bed and her enviro-suit had been remotely programmed to hydrate her accordingly, to keep her from further harm.

There was an unspoken rule of the chain of command that necessitated the commanding officer of the ship would have to be notified if a crewmember was in any sort of medical distress. The lines for this got rather muddled as Tali was an admiral of the Migrant Fleet, there was no one higher up her hierarchy to report to. And seeing that Shepard was technically not her commander, it was not the proper formality to notify him of this development, even if it seemed like the right thing to do.

When Tali woke up half an hour later, she cleared herself from the med bay after notifying Chakwas that her condition was due to a combination of fatigue and dehydration. Chakwas suspected something more but was forced to let Tali go seeing as she could not develop anything conclusive on her end as to why Tali would faint so suddenly, and when her lift was positioned on Shepard's level instead of the war room's. There were many questions for the doctor to solve, but she knew that there were some that she had to leave unanswered. Regardless, she made Tali drink some water before she left, just to make sure that the woman was doing fine. Tali at least seemed grateful for the assistance.

On a passing glance from the elevator on her way back to the war room, Tali looked at the galaxy map, searching for the tiny pinprick of light inhabiting some corner of the galaxy, ready to meet the challenges of the day. What she did not expect was that the tiny indicator for the ship was positioned in a location that was very familiar to her.

Heart in her throat, she ran towards the cockpit so that she could look outside and see for herself if it was true. The sight took her breath away, pinning her down with all of its gravity.

The dusty sphere of Rannoch filled the ship with a yellow glow, faceless and impassive with the trivialities surrounding it. In the space blocking the view, billions of pieces of wreckage floated, torn from much larger structures in a fight that had been futile from the very beginning. Quarian frigates drifted, holes impacting through their engines, geth cruisers remained stagnant, their hulls leaking molten metal as the frigidness of space began solidifying it.

Yet again she found herself back in the planet's presence, back where she had left off in the beginning. This planet, the cause of all her suffering. Tali was still no further towards ever placing a foot on that dusty world, but something deep inside her was telling her that it all was about to change.

Tali lowered her head as she quietly said a prayer for all of the souls lost during the conflict thus far before walking back, out of Rannoch's sight, but a bit slower than usual. Approaching the entrance to the war room, the two privates manning the scanner attempted to slow her down but she just pushed past them, not even bothering to conform to the new standards on board this ship. She had been granted free reign on this ship once, there was no way she would let anyone else dictate where she would go.

Inside, she saw the other admirals and Shepard (which gave her pause at the foot of the stairs) mulling over a hologram. Tali recognized the outline of a geth dreadnought instantly and the words the group was saying registered as a plan to destroy the thing and allow the nearby fleets to get to safety. A risky strategy, but one that seemed to make the most sense as the Normandy's heat diffusion systems rendered the ship invisible to geth scanners, allowing for an ideal infiltration attempt.

Shepard hadn't seen her yet so she maneuvered around him to stand on the upper circle, listening to the conversation as it was now apparently on its last legs, judging by the tone.

"…have the dreadnought down in no time, Admiral Raan," Shepard was promising. "The Normandy should be docked soon, which means we can board the thing and take out its drive core without your fleets having to needlessly risk themselves."

"That's all well and good," Raan said, starting to wring her hands together. "But have you considered the possibilities of running into any _technological_ obstacles? Knowing the geth, they're bound to have more than just troops at their disposal."

Tali leaned over to catch what Shepard was saying. "We've been over this, admiral. We don't have any choice. None of my team is equipped to deal with such a threat if it even came up. Hell, the _AI_ we have won't be able to counter the geth maneuvers because it hasn't been exposed to them enough to properly predict their patterns."

"Even so…it is still a risk…"

"I've brought up the idea of having one of you join us, seeing as you're the only quarians on this ship with any sort of technical expertise…" Tali felt herself fume at Shepard's words, knowing that his indication was excluding her but she waited, biding her time until it was the right moment to strike. "…but you've claimed that you all have duties that preclude you from going on this mission. Unless you know of anyone else who's not on this ship who we could use-"

"There won't _be_ a need for someone else," Tali announced, finding satisfaction in the way that Shepard whirled around to face her, his expression one of shock and disorientation. She smiled smugly as she walked around to the staircase and up to the hologram. "_I_ volunteer to provide the necessary technical expertise." _Weren't expecting that, were you, Shepard?_

There was a part of her that was horrified that she was even doing this. After all, he had almost tried to hit her, right? _But this is different. The survival of my people depends on us taking down this dreadnought. And…Shepard is the only one willing to do something about it. _It was still ironic that Shepard was now demonstrating more care toward the fleet than her at this moment, perhaps rubbing her betrayal in her face? Was he still putting on an act or was he just doing this to win the overall war?

Whatever the reason, the voice in her head telling her not to do this was overruled. This had to be done and if she had to do it with Shepard, so be it. Tali's stomach gave a lurch but she ignored it, she just had to work with him and then he could leave. He would be gone and she would never see him again. That was what she wanted, wasn't it? For him to finally get himself out of her sight so that she could never have to live in fear and in pain from his presence again.

Shepard scowled. "You, Tali?"

Tali was determined not for anyone to detect the fear in her voice this time. "You're going to need someone capable of hacking and dealing with security. Unless you want to chance it, I'm the only one who can do this and you know it." _Please…please don't push me away this time._

But Shepard just breathed out quietly, no doubt going through the same turmoil. He had plenty of reservations for this but he also knew sound logic when he heard it. Tali was right, there was no one else for the job and the risks were simply too high for him to even think of soloing the dreadnought. All he had to do for now was push his personal feelings aside. How hard could that be? "Fine," he mumbled. "Grab your gear and meet me and Garrus at the airlock in five."

The gaze he fixated her with for a fleeting moment told her even more: Just do your job, keep your mouth shut, and we will have no problems.

_Of that, we agree…Shepard_, she thought sourly.

* * *

><p><span>Dreadnought<span>

Thankfully, Shepard did not seem to be interested in instigating another conflict between them at this time, much to Tali's relief. There were other problems in their midst that warranted more of their attention than their own personal, petty hostilities.

The geth, for one, were much more deserving of their wrath, the damned bipedal synthetics that now fired upon them, streaks of light emanating from their direction. Tali ducked as a rocket streaked over her head, exploding harmlessly against the far wall behind her. Electricity sparked above her, sending down a rail of hot metal, splashing harmlessly against her enviro-suit. She clutched her shotgun, breathing heavily and waiting to gain her courage back before she could mount another attack.

Tali was afraid. She was afraid of dying, afraid of the geth, and afraid of Shepard. From her position, she could see Garrus and Shepard stand fearlessly in the face of death, popping in and out of cover like there was no danger of a bullet catching them in the head. How was it that they could be so detached? Was it because they were doing this for a cause impersonal to them? Was her connection to her people the one link holding her back?

_Or am I just weak?_

A light flashed over her and Tali looked up. The entire world seemed to bend around a figure as it deactivated its tactical cloak, rumbling electronically. Tali held up her pistol for her shotgun seemed too heavy at that moment but stopped when she saw Shepard standing over her. Her eyes widened in fear, watching his face leer impassively at her. He opened his mouth and nothing but noise came garbled out of it, his eyes started to spark and glow red as he continued to screech. Tali screamed and fired, catching the geth in the head and sending broken metal and glass everywhere.

She looked over her wall and saw the hunter twitch and lay still as its internal processes quieted. Tali let out a quiet sob, the geth was no longer wearing Shepard's skin for a face. She wondered if that had been true at all or all in her mind. Prying her eyes away from the hateful machine, she stumbled off down the battery, following the sounds of gunfire as they continued to push into the bowels of the dreadnought.

Shepard rarely spent any time conversing with her the whole way. Mostly when he did speak at her, it was to order her to hack whatever obstacle was in their way. Tali resented the objectification and the callousness of his tone, but it was better than him shouting at her and completely shattering her heart. As if it could be shattered further.

The trio continued to trudge on, putting down any resistance that they encountered along the way. Tali felt herself starting to sink back into old habits from her time running and gunning alongside Shepard, dismantling any opposition that stood in their way. They had been an unstoppable team, the two of them. They had both relied on the other for trust and support. Everything had been perfect, what happened?

She watched Shepard hop over a ledge and pummel a pyro with his fist, fighting through the flames to hit his target. Seeing him stomp the synthetic to oblivion only made her stare somberly at the carnage. There was a forcefulness behind each blow, behind every geth that was felled, a fury that she had not borne witness to.

_He's in pain. He's hurting just as much as I am. But am I causing his pain just as he is causing mine?_

The thought did not assuage her in the slightest as she raised her gun, placing the butt against her shoulder. Tali let go of her fears, her worries, and her pain as she opened her eyes and let the next geth come into view. As soon as the sights focused, she fired, then she found the next one and fired again, repeating the process for as many enemies appeared in her midst. As her shoulder steadily became numb from the kickback, she found her soul numbing as well.

* * *

><p><span>Rannoch<span>

She looked up at the sky, watching with wonder at the tiny ships tumble around in the debris field miles above her head. She stood there, wondering with awe, if anyone else would be able to join her here, on this planet.

Tali ignored the dying engines of the Kodiak and numbly trudged over to a nearby stream, trickling downward towards a large body of water that roared in the distance. She crouched down to touch the stream, the feeling cold from what her enviro-suit allowed. Tali stared at the water dripping off her fingers, numb to the fact that she had made it.

_I did it. I'm finally…home._

Rannoch was everything she hoped it would be. The orange sky was clear and unspoiled, the desert landscape was spotted with sparse vegetation, but the cliffs and the oceans made up for it in sheer grandeur. The wind blew lightly at her frame, making her wish that she could be able to take off her mask and smell the scent of her home – her people's home.

Tali reached out and picked up a rock, smooth from the creek bed, worn away by time. It was a dusty brown, with a colorful stripe down the middle. She liked it immensely. Bursting with happiness, a feeling she had not experienced in a long time, she carefully put the stone in a pocket, patting it so that she was sure it was safely by her side. This world was her homeworld and now she was going to carry her home wherever she went.

It was hard to believe that she was now _home_. Rannoch, a world that she and her species had been exiled from for centuries, had now become hosts to its original inhabitants. Tali suspected that she was one of the few quarians to have set foot on this planet within her lifetime. With a little luck, those statistics would increase dramatically, she hoped.

With tears in her eyes, she stood up and gazed around the landscape once again. She wanted to see so much more that she was slowly becoming overwhelmed. Her arms itched, as if they hungered to reach out and embrace the nearest person.

Her euphoria disappeared as soon as her eyes laid sight on Shepard again. The commander was busy talking to Legion a few meters away, a geth platform they had rescued from the dreadnought and an old comrade that had joined them on the suicide mission months ago. The geth was indicating several locations to Shepard, as if it was giving the human a tour of the planet, showing him what Rannoch was like to an outsider, one who had no previous knowledge of this place.

_I would have liked to have shown him here_, Tali thought as she looked forlornly at Shepard. _I wanted to be the one to see his face when I made it back here. _

But Shepard still looked impassive, his face devoid of any emotion whatsoever even as Legion continued to indicate to him the importance of the area. Tali hated to admit it, but if it weren't for Shepard, she would never have gotten this far to begin with. What would he do if she just came up and hugged him? Would he feel compelled to forcefully push her away or would he reveal his true feelings and embrace her as well, showing that he was still a good man underneath? Was it worth the risk to even try?

Just as that barest impulse flittered into her mind, Shepard straightened to attention and gestured brusquely to Garrus and Tali to join him in formation. The time for dawdling was over, now they had to focus for the final assault on the geth base. Tali immediately (but regretfully) snapped herself out from any foolish thoughts she had harbored, a grimace passing over her face in acceptance. She hurriedly walked over to the two of them and they began down the path, already seeing the giant metal spires reach over the rocky cliffs in the background.

_He is no longer your concern_, she told herself. _Today is when we finally get our homeworld back, then you can be free of him, forever._

* * *

><p>The scream of a Reaper filled the air and Tali ducked down, paralyzed by fear. She could see the gargantuan machine rising in the distance, pulverizing anything in its way. Its oculus pulsed and shone, fixated on the lone speck in front of its path, creating a clamor from within.<p>

From her position on top of a nearby cliff face, Tali could see Shepard standing near the edge of the bluff, brandishing Xen's laser targeter, painting it for the fleet to attack. In random intervals, enormous beams of light would rain down from the sky; torpedoes fired from the fleet onto the indicated target: the Reaper. It staggered under each assault, its legs bending to support it from the tremendous forces applied on it. Red electricity arced from the center, the Reaper was slowly getting worn down, but it wasn't out of the fight yet.

All the while, Shepard was dodging the Reaper's beams, rolling and aiming at the same time, like a fly avoiding the swatter. Tali could see Shepard screaming to the Reaper, taunting it as a way to vent his rage. At times, she could have sworn that he was yelling at someone apart from the Reaper, given that he turned his head to shout at something to his side, as if a ghost was standing right next to him. Her eyes widened further, she seemed to forget to breathe, and watched as Shepard rained down blow after blow, spitting his anger with every blast.

As if it was finally fed up with all the playing around, the Reaper took a tremendous step forward and leaned over Shepard, fixating him with its eternal stare. There would be no escape from this, just a fiery red heat. Tali stood up and made to scream in horror, stretching out an arm towards Shepard. No one deserved to die like this, not when they were so close. Especially him…

A vacuum of sound washed over her and she instinctively shut her eyes, the bloom of flame piercing her eyelids before the noise from the explosion washed over her. The shockwave sent her back down to the ground, the pebbles on the ground clattering. Covered with dust and gasping for air, she sat up and desperately made to look at the cliff edge and gaped at the sight.

The Reaper had collapsed on the ground, sparks jumping from its undercarriage. Scorch marks surrounded its hull, several holes punched through it to leak some orange compound. _The fleet_, she realized, staring at the dead Reaper. _We…we actually killed it._

She pushed herself onto her feet and ran down the slope to the edge. Tali passed by the unhurt Shepard, who was dusting himself off. She took no notice of her surroundings as she walked up to perceive the fallen machine, standing over it in victory.

"We won," she announced quietly, throat hoarse. "And now we're free."

Tali looked back at Shepard, who was now talking to Legion. She sighed, standing alone near the edge, at what could have been. _He saved us. He saved us all._

Bearing the weight of the immense number of possibilities, she walked up to the two, catching the last half of the conversation which was, rather worryingly, making Shepard's face grow darker. Legion had finished talking by the time she strode up, and was now fiddling with a holographic representation of an upload. This confused her, what would Legion be uploading?

"Shepard? What's Legion doing?"

"Legion has persuaded me to upload a fragment of the Reaper code to the geth consensus. Apparently it will make them more independent and adaptable."

Like a drop in a still pond, the ripples from Shepard's words took some time to fully affect her, a sinking horror that led to implications unthinkable.

"_What?!_" Tali exclaimed. "Shepard, it _will_ make them more independent and adaptable but that's only half of the truth! That Reaper code will make every geth a true AI! That would make each geth as smart as when the Reaper was controlling them!"

"What would you have me do?" Shepard sighed, rubbing his temples in frustration as Legion dutifully continued. "Prevent Legion from adapting his people to any further threats? That upload will make the geth a vital asset in this war and we need every thing, organic _and_ synthetic, to even have a hope of winning this!"

"B-But that means…" she stammered, pointing upward. "That means that our fleet will be _destroyed_ by the geth. We're already attacking them and when the geth return to full strength, they will wipe all of us out…"

"So? You're an admiral. Convince them to stand down."

Tali raised her omni-tool briefly until she lowered it back down. Shepard was confused as to why she would do such a thing when Tali suddenly broke down weeping. Her hands covered her visor, unable to reach her face as Shepard looked on, astonished.

"My admiralty is a _sham_, Shepard," Tali managed through her sobs. "I hold no real power with the other admirals. They won't listen to me for something like this. It was only a formality that they promoted me. I…I don't even command any ships. How can someone be an admiral if they don't even command a fleet?!"

Shepard didn't know how to respond, only now understanding what little influence she had, so Tali continued to blubber. "It just sounds like you already chose the geth over my people. Am I just an _asset_ to you, Shepard? Am I just another cog in your ever important war machine? How high did I rate? How important was I to you? Is sacrificing me, the quarians, all worth it to you?"

"You were _never_ an asset to me, Tali!" Shepard shouted indignantly. "You're not an asset to me now, either! I'm not sacrificing anyone today!"

"But you _are_," Tali moaned. "Whomever you pick today, the other loses. We will destroy the geth or the geth will destroy us."

"Then what should I do?" Shepard growled as he drew his pistol. "Shoot Legion to prevent the code from being uploaded? That will only bring the wrath of the geth down on us anyway, for betraying them when they had a chance to achieve the individuality they have always sought. Either that, or your people will destroy them without even knowing why in the first place. I ask you again, what should I do? What _can_ I do?"

"I…I don't know…" She looked over at Legion, fearfully, who was still uploading the code as they spoke.

"The only person who can save them is _you_, Tali."

Tali fell to her knees and reached up to grasp at Shepard. "I...I _can't_, Shepard. I beg you, if I was ever important to you, if you ever _loved_ me, please…just save my people…oh, Keelah, _please_…"

She felt more tears approaching her but before they could strike, she felt a pair of hands gently grip her own. They squeezed together and gently led her back to her feet. Astonished, she saw Shepard give a sad smile in her direction. Suddenly, he didn't seem so frightening anymore, his face calm and forgiving.

Glancing upward momentarily, he patted her hand. "You are an admiral of the quarian fleet. You hold more power over me in this situation. You _can_ save them, Tali. They can all be saved. You just have to make them listen."

Letting go, Shepard backed up to where Legion was standing. Tali swallowed, feeling a huge lump travel down her throat uncomfortably. Breathing hard, she felt the wind whistle through her and closed her eyes.

_Let him go. Let everything go._

"_Do your duty, my daughter," _a new voice joined.

She opened her eyes fiercely, raising her omni tool up. "All ships, this is Tali'Zorah. All fleets break off the attack!"

"Belay that order!" Admiral Gerrel shouted over the comm. "Continue the attack!"

She had expected this. Gerrel would never back down from a fight, especially when the enemy was a sitting duck. But she wasn't giving up yet. "The Reaper has been destroyed, admirals. The geth pose no threat to the Migrant Fleet. I'm giving an order: _stand down_."

"I'm countermanding your orders, Zorah!" Gerrel shouted. "You hold no authority over the Heavy Fleet, let alone a single ship! Cease and desist your useless commands and clear this frequency at once!"

"Now Gerrel," Koris added. "Perhaps we should listen-"

"Why? Because Zorah thinks that the war is over by defeating a Reaper? No, this war is far from over. It ends when the geth are all destroyed and Rannoch is once again ours. All fleets, full forward and fire at will."

Tali's fist clenched together so tightly she thought her fingers would snap in half. She was starting to hyperventilate, drawn by worry and confusion. _I don't know…what else can I do? What can I say?_

"_Make them listen_," a voice came that was not her father's.

"This is Admiral Tali'Zorah vas _Normandy_," she announced, fire in her eyes. "And I am officially declaring an end to this conflict. All ships, stand down now or be destroyed."

"_Destroyed?_" Gerrel barked in disbelief. "Is that a threat, Zorah?"

"I am an admiral of the Migrant Fleet, you bosh'tet, and that was not a threat but a warning. The geth fleet is about to return to full strength. They are in the middle of converting to an AI-state and once that upload is completed, they will have the knowledge and the capability to wipe us out for good."

"You're bluffing, there's no way that you can know-"

"I am speaking to all of you from the surface of Rannoch," she continued, shutting out the protests of Gerrel. "I am looking at the rock formations, the sky, and the sea. I can report that it is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. It is a harsh world, but it is _our_ world nonetheless. I am standing here, on the homeworld, looking at our future. The future for all quarians. We have gotten what have come all this way for and I am telling you that we are done fighting the geth. We don't have to fight each other anymore. They have never wanted to fight us but we pressed on into a war that could have been avoided altogether."

"That is _treason_-!"

"Shut up, Gerrel!" Xen now joined the fray.

"Please," she spoke quietly now. "We have a chance to rebuild, to make things as they once were. The geth are not our enemy. This war is over for us. If you can believe that for just even a moment, we can have a home again. Please…I just want to have a home. _Keelah se'lai._"

She signed off, clearing the talk, shoulders slumping down. Tali was fearful of glancing up at the heavens, seeing the inevitable blossoming of explosions in the dark of her people getting extinguished one by one. It was hopeless, everything was futile. She had failed-

"All ships," Koris broke out over the comm, "Hold fire."

Tali couldn't believe what she was hearing, even after the comm was ablaze with talk.

"All units stand down," Raan broke out.

"Hold fast, all crews," Xen reported.

Gerrel was the last to speak, his voice tinged with more sourness that she could imagine possible. "Heavy Fleet, cease fire."

The quick succession of words were the most wonderful to reach Tali's ears. She didn't even register falling to the ground, her hands and knees holding her up as she began to laugh and cry at the same time. Tali saw the glowing sun on the horizon, glinting across the water, reflecting off of the stagnant pools that lined the base of the cliff and found herself overcome by it all. Her fingers grasped the dirt underneath, holding tight in case she was dreaming.

_My home…I have my home…_

Giddy with delight, she looked over to see Shepard, finally anticipating a warm reaction from him. Tali's smile died on her face as she saw him crouching over Legion's prone body, his back to her. Immediately she understood: Legion had to upload himself to the consensus in order to properly distribute the upgrade. As that moment came to pass, Legion ceased to exist. The geth were all _alive_ now.

Still not acknowledging her, Shepard carefully took the geth in his arms and started walking away slowly back to the transport. He didn't look back at her as he started to ascend the slope. From where Tali was kneeling, she felt a tear start to trickle down her cheek, watching him go. It took all of her effort to turn away and back toward the edge of the cliff, where she could view her world unobstructed.

But, there was still something missing. She had wanted to share this moment so badly with him. It would have been a wonderful opportunity for them to share in some time together. It would have been important because she knew that he still hadn't given up on her yet.

_Do you still love me, Shepard? Would you have stood by while my people died? Is that why you helped me today? I need to know because…because I can't stop thinking about you._

Driven more by confusion and regret than by happiness now, Tali drew her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. She sighed, trying to push out her anguish, as she watched the sunset for a few more minutes.

It was a pretty world.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: Writer's block hit me hard on this one. So to combat it, I went and saw Big Hero 6. That didn't work, so I went and saw Interstellar. That also didn't work, so I went out to the bar. Joking aside, that partially worked until I fell asleep on my console, preventing me from capitalizing on any efficient work. I hate mindless grinding.**_

_**I'm hoping that this doesn't happen for any future chapters. Writer's block is no fun. Anyhow, I'd wager that the next few chapters should be a little more dialogue-centric as opposed to this approach. And hopefully they're not as short as this one.**_

_**But...quality over quantity, they say.**_


	8. Chapter 8: No Takebacks

Normandy

Shepard sighed in relief as he walked into his cabin, thankful to see that no one was intruding on the premises yet, allowing him some peace and quiet. After the past few days, he would need all the alone time allotted to him in order to fully recover from the events on Rannoch.

The stars whizzed by through the skylight as the Normandy headed for the nearby relay. It was time to make another supply run to the Citadel seeing as half the crew was on edge from being parked in the middle of a planetary war with death surrounding them on all sides. It would be good for the crew to get out and relax for a day; this campaign was the toughest one they had faced yet. Maybe Shepard would sleep through the entire day that they were docked, the thought already filling him with satisfaction.

His head was beginning to ache again, he noted as he started to peel off his armor. It was just one more source of discomfort on top of his already battered body for him to take account of. He was tired, bruised, and wiped out completely. Shepard had not expected to go toe to toe with a Reaper on that planet as it was just a spur of the moment sort of thing, driven by stupidity or bravery. In that case, the two almost went hand in hand, unable to discern between the two.

He dug his hand into one of his armor's side pockets before removing it, extricating the tiny vial that he had kept there for emergencies. It had gone unused for quite some time which explained the fierce pain he had at the moment, he should have at least dosed up when he had landed back on Rannoch but inexplicably forgot for some reason. There had been nothing to draw out his rage quite like that day, staring at the Reaper, feeling his skin singe from the heat as death passed him inches away. He remembered shouldering the targeter, watching the machine impassively, Saren on his right laughing at him, and the scream of a hundred missiles finding their mark. By rights, he should have died that day, but luck (or fate) had plans for him yet, to his great disappointment.

Shepard set the vial on the desk next to one of his shirts that had been scattered haphazardly across it. Stooping down to kick off his boots and the last of his protective covering, he came back up with a bottle of whatever alcohol he had stashed underneath his desk, not even bothering to check the label beforehand.

Reaching over to produce a glass, Shepard appraised the bottle for a second to determine what exactly he would be putting in his body within the next minute. The label said Houghton's Gin, creating a scowl. He didn't even _like_ gin by itself. This presented a few alternatives for him to consider: he could either go down to the mess and find something appropriate to mix with the gin, or he could crouch back down under his desk and see if there was another liquor that suited his fancy at the moment.

Deciding that any form of labor was just too exhaustive, Shepard shrugged and proceeded to open the top, filling the glass just about to the brim. Sitting down on the chair, he prepared to take a sip of the liquid until he heard the elevator opening from beyond the door to his cabin. Panicked and mentally smacking himself for not locking his door, he quickly threw the errant shirt on top of the vial of hydromorphone just as his unlocked door proceeded to allow the person requesting access inside.

He let out a small groan as soon as he saw Tali walk in, her hands set firmly at her sides. Shepard could feel her cold gaze strike him through, making him feel vulnerable and alone in this room. This was unexpected as he had thought she had remained back on Rannoch. Why had she lingered _here_? He kept his face as straight as he could, raising his glass and trying not to choke on the gin, waiting to see if Tali would be the one to initiate whatever encounter she was trying to draw out now. After his gulp had finished, she still had not yet uttered a word, prompting him to say something to break the awkward silence.

"Is there any particular reason why you're here?" His tone was a bit gruffer than he would have liked, but that was probably the result of the alcohol still stinging his esophagus. "I thought you would have stayed with the other admirals back on Rannoch."

"I was going to," she responded hotly. "But I just couldn't. I _had_ to come along."

"What, did you not feel that you had permission to leave unless I came to give you a 'goodbye?'"

She ignored that last bit. "I'm staying _here_, Shepard. I'm staying because I know where I belong, on the Normandy. And you know just as well as I do where I truly belong, Shepard."

"Well, well," Shepard laughed. "Are you asking to be a part of my crew again, Tali? Although this time, I'm not sure we need another engineer on our team seeing as we've done fine without you for the past half a year-"

"Shepard," she interrupted. "_Shut the hell up_." Witnessing his startled face gave her a burst of vindication, showing him that she would not be humiliated or cowed any further. "I'm not here for _you_, you _bosh'tet_. I'm here because I know that I can do more on this ship than I ever could as an admiral. I'm a damn good mechanic, even better than the so-called 'team' you already have in place. I was powerless on the _Rayya_, but I can actually make a difference _here_. I want to be here, even if you don't want me here at all." She waited a few seconds to perceive any reaction on his face, to which she saw none. "But I also need to know something too. If I don't hear it from you, it will drive me insane. I need to know _now_."

"And what, pray tell, would that be?" Shepard managed with quite a hefty dose of sarcasm.

"Why did you do it?" she blurted out suddenly, as if she had been holding that sentence in for hours.

Shepard swirled the contents of his glass. "You're going to have to be a bit more specific." He set down the glass and folded his hands across his lap, wishing that she would just leave soon. If she would not rid herself from this ship, then she could at least spare him by leaving this deck. He didn't know if his mental fortitude could survive for long.

Shocking him, Tali walked forward to his desk in a forceful manner. In a weird reversal, Shepard thought that she was going to slap _him_ this time, or at least move to strike him in some form, until she reached out and plucked the bottle and glass of gin away from him, setting them on the far side of the desk and out of his reach.

He was too startled to even voice an immediate protest. "I was in the middle of that," he grumbled lamely.

"I know," Tali said. "And that's exactly why you're not going to be drinking anymore until I've said what I wanted to say. You're never rational when you're drunk, Shepard."

_Speak for yourself_, Shepard thought as he tapped his fingers on his leg. _I've been more rational than you've ever been to me, sober or sloshed. Perhaps I should've taken a pill before you decided to barge in me like this._

"Then say it quickly," Shepard growled. "Because it seems like you're unable to take a hint with regards to how I still feel about you being here."

Tali felt her cheeks burn at that. "I think you're only lying to yourself, Shepard. And to me."

"If you say so." _I'm not the only one lying, there._

Tali fought the urge to scream at him, deciding to continue on with what her original intent was in the first place. "You could have let the geth destroy us. Destroy my people, I mean. You let the geth upgrade themselves without any input from me or the other admirals. And it all worked out exactly as you hoped, right? You seemed to know that my people would back down from fighting, but you refused to defuse the situation yourself. Why?"

It was times like this that made Shepard wish he had more to drink. _Perhaps I should have taken up smoking_. "I would have thought the answer would have been obvious, Tali."

Across from him, Tali tilted her head. "What do you mean?"

"I mean is that what we learned together on Rannoch really hit home, Tali. How could I be the judge to condemn one sapient species over the other? The geth versus the quarians, either one had merits to saving them. The consequences of making the wrong choice were…I don't think I can even fathom. But I believed, on that cliff, that _both_ could be saved, preventing such a choice from having to be made at all."

Tali wished she had something to sit down on, for her legs were feeling weak again. "How…how could you believe that, Shepard? How could you possibly know that the most ideal outcome would actually occur? Surely _you_ could have done something to prevent genocide of any form…couldn't you?"

"That's what I was trying to tell you back on the cliff," Shepard pointed out. "Just because I'm a Council Spectre and a commander in the Alliance navy, does not mean that I hold any sway over the quarians. What could I say to those admirals that would make them stand down? I'm no quarian, I hold no status in whatever meritocracy they have in place. I have no understanding of their ways, their culture, what they hold in regard. I'm an outsider to them, an alien. They would not have listened."

"You don't know that! You're _Commander Shepard! _You've done things that even the other admirals respect. You're more well-known than you think. And you know more about us -about _me_- than you claim! I've _told_ you all these things before, Shepard. Remember? Back in engineering a year ago? You…you didn't forget…you couldn't have…"

Shepard slowly blinked and bit his lip. "I do remember everything. I could never forget those conversations with you. But it doesn't change the fact that I could not have convinced the admirals to stand down. They needed to hear the words from someone else. A _quarian_, Tali. They needed to hear from one of their own that the conflict had been declared over. _You_ described the world of Rannoch to them, Tali. You reminded them of the future that they had lost had suddenly been found. _You_ rose up to be the leader you were elected for. _You_ said the words that they needed to hear, saving your entire species. I could never have done that. That, I know is the truth."

Tali hoped her voice wouldn't crack as she slowly breathed out, closing her eyes as every word from Shepard fell on her, a quick sting but leaving her stronger. "B-But…if it had to come to…if you had to make a choice, which would you have chosen?"

Shepard sighed. "Is it really that hard for you to figure that out?"

"Yes!" she shouted. "Yes, it is! Shepard, this whole time I've been near you it's like I've been talking to another person! It's just…you've _changed_…"

"And _you_ haven't?" he shot back.

She was seriously considering fleeing from him, turning back and never looking upon him. Tali stayed where she was, still seeking the answers from the questions she had left in the open. Her eyes stung but she could not wipe them, staring through them hotly as she watched her breath fog up the edges of her visor.

Without waiting for her to respond, he looked forlornly off to the side for a split second. "It would have been a logical decision," he mumbled quietly.

"W-What?"

Without warning, Shepard leaned forward and swept his hand across the desk, catching the half-full glass and sending it crashing to the ground. Tali jumped as pieces of glass mixed with gin drops splashed around her, pieces clattering over her boots.

"What do you _think?!_" Shepard roared. "If it came to it, Tali, I would have put a _bullet_ into Legion's head to make him stop the upload in order to _save_ the quarians. To save _you_. What would possess you to think that I would put the geth over the quarians, Tali?"

Tali's lower lip trembled as she slowly sunk to the floor. "_S-S-Save_ me?"

"Yes!" Shepard gestured wildly. "If the geth destroyed the quarians, what would _you_ have done? Just sat down like you're doing now and cried over it? No, you would have probably _thrown_ yourself off the cliff to join your people in oblivion. Perhaps you would have done that just to spite me, for all I know. Give me one reason why I should have let you die on that planet. Why _shouldn't_ I have saved you if it fell to me to finish the job?"

Her arms were now acting autonomously, searching to grasp something that she could throttle in her confusion. "I…I…I…" _I don't have an answer to that._ Tali's fingers caught fabric and she tugged, spilling Shepard's spare shirt off the desk and the hydromorphone vial resting underneath along with it.

Alerted by the clatter, Tali dimly watched the orange canister roll towards her and stop as her knee halted its roll. Curious, she picked it up and searched for a label, just something for her mind to focus on. However, she came up lacking, as there was nothing to distinguish what the tiny white pills were inside the vial or what purpose they were for. Before she could hold it tighter, Shepard leaned forward and tried to snatch the canister out of her hands, but she moved out of reach just in time.

It was too late to take back the reveal now. "Shepard," Tali began slowly, looking at the vial. "What…what is this?"

"Give that to me, Tali," Shepard said dangerously.

"What _is_ this, Shepard?!" Tali said more loudly, horror creeping upon her voice.

Shepard bit back a curse before slumping in his chair, unwilling to go any further to retrieve the canister further. Trapped by indecision, he waved a hand in defeat. "I got them at the Citadel. Aria gave them to me. You should know, you were there."

"I…" Tali recalled seeing a salarian blocking her view for a moment as she sat atop a level looking down on Shepard. But the thought of Shepard taking something had not even registered on her. Not until now. "What are they?"

"A highly potent painkiller," he answered truthfully. "Hydromorphone."

Her fingers slackened and the vial fell from her hand, rolling back towards Shepard, the pills rattling about inside. He quickly scooped it up as it hit his foot and placed it behind him, well out of her arm's reach.

Tali was getting more and more confused. "A painkiller? But…but why? I've never seen you use that before. You're…you can't be sick, can you?"

_They're for my implants_, he almost said before he caught himself. Lying would do him no good here, not in this case. Better to be nebulous than to be caught in a bald-faced lie. "Not sick. Just…just unwell."

Tali stood again, now understanding. "How long, Shepard? How long have you been using them?"

"Eight months."

"Eight…months." _That was when we parted back on…oh Keelah, no. No. Oh no, no, no_. "_Why?_" she could only whisper.

"You know why," he answered just as softly.

Now Tali really felt like crying. "Is this all worth it, Shepard?" she moaned mournfully. "Are you just going to destroy yourself over a choice I made? Have I really been hurting you this whole time, causing you to drive yourself to this edge?"

Feeling his eyes begin to water, he angrily shoved his chair to the side, unwilling to look at Tali further. Out of her sight, his lips mouthed the word, "_Yes_." _Because you didn't choose me._

Sensing that their conversation was over, Tali got to her feet and slowly backed up as she watched Shepard hold his head in his hands, hiding his tears from her. Her own damp trails on her cheeks hidden from her visor, she mumbled faintly, "I should _never_ have made my choice, John." Without waiting to hear what he would say, she turned and bolted back to the elevator, drawing herself into the corner so that she could look no more.

As soon as the door closed, Shepard let go of the breath that he had been holding, allowing a few drops to spill onto the dull grey surface of his desk. He wiped his face with a shaking hand, breath noticeably halted.

He pounded his fist down in despair. He couldn't even bring himself to hate the quarian anymore so what was holding him back? Was it simply that there were some things in this galaxy that couldn't be mended after they had been torn so irreparably? Was it simply pride that was prohibiting him from doing what his heart desired so much? Or was he just a complete coward, unable to act on this one thing? John Shepard was stuck in limbo.

Distracting him from his miserableness, his omni-tool pinged once and he immediately opened it, hopeful for a shred of good fortune on his end. His face fell as soon as he saw it was from the asari councilor, requesting to see him as soon as the Normandy docked at the Citadel. He sighed and closed his tool, reclining back. It seems that duty would once again force itself in front of his fragile psyche. No rest for the weary.

Continuing to consider the long-term consequences, Shepard made efforts toward the short-term healing process by grabbing the nearby vial and depositing a solitary pill into the palm of his hand. His glass still contained some gin so it made a highly desirable medium for him to wash the hydromorphone down without it lodging in his throat.

Spluttering a bit, he caught sight of a flash of blue sitting atop a shelf. The glowing display of Garrus' eyepiece glinted back at him, seeking a host. Shepard had completely forgotten about returning it to the turian, its owner probably even register the fact that it had been missing from his head for the past few days.

Taking another sip, Shepard was a bit perturbed at how the gaze of the eyepiece seemed to be a bit too eerie, too solitary. "Stop it," he muttered to himself. "Stop staring at me."

The display did not comply, even after Shepard engaged it with all of his attention, perhaps drawn to it as his guilt rushed out of him, reminding him of every little thing he had screwed up on. It sat there quietly, observing him, judging him.

_Stop staring at me…stop it…_

* * *

><p>Tali rushed out of the elevator at full speed, hoping that no one would see her in this state. She had bypassed the CIC completely and headed straight down to the engineering level, where she used to set up shop. She opened the door to access the main drive but suddenly turned down the staircase to lower engineering, recalling that this was where Jack used to spend her time on the ship. A part of her wondered where that insane biotic woman had ended up at by now.<p>

Passing the pipes and hissing steam, Tali knew that she would not be disturbed in this lonesome corner of the ship. No one came down here unless it was for emergencies. There was a nice little niche that she could just sit down in and be hidden completely, left with only her thoughts and that was just what she intended to do.

It seemed that she had been crying a lot these past few days but she couldn't stop herself, even though she repeatedly thought that she had to run dry eventually. She couldn't keep sobbing over a man who purported not to love her anymore, even though her own feelings were getting more and more clouded by the hour. Even so, to see him in such a state, to see him hurting like that, did not give her the satisfaction that she had anticipated. Even though she had been longing to find out if he was suffering just as fiercely as she was, to see it etched all over his face merely opened her old wounds up, spilling forth repressed memories, giving her heart a wrench.

A shadow fell over her, causing her to open her eyes in annoyance. Tali prepared to utter a curse, to tell whoever was disturbing her to leave her alone and relinquish her to her solitude. But as soon as her eyes adjusted, her heart rate spiked and she sat up slightly, now alert to her surroundings.

"I thought you had better sense than this, Tali," Rael said dejectedly as he rounded the corner to where she was curled up. "What in the _Ancestors_ are you doing back here on this ship?"

_No…not now, father_. "I _had_ to be here," she said as she looked up, drawing her knees to her chest. "I just had to come back, father."

Rael's eyes shone blankly as his disappointment wafted in waves. "You came back for the human, didn't you?"

"Yes," she said confidently and immediately, knowing that no one could hear her talking crazily to her dearly departed father all the way down here. "Yes, I did."

"Oh, Tali. Are you _trying_ to make me look more like a fool?"

"How?" she shot back. "You're dead, remember?"

"Watch your tone, daughter," Rael growled. "Dead or not, I am still your father and you will _show_ me the respect a father deserves. One admiral to another. Or have you completely forgotten your duty to your people altogether when you chose to elope along with the human again?"

"My _duty_ is what got me into this situation in the first place! All you've been telling me to do is to 'do my duty' and for what? Where has that gotten me?"

"You are an _admiral_. You have responsibilities-"

"For what?" she inquired again. "Don't make me go over this another time. You know how I was treated on the Migrant Fleet. Despite my so-called 'promotion,' I was never looked at as an equal by the other admirals. I pushed to not go to war but I was overruled. I tried to organize a fleet of ships to recover lifepods in the fleet but again, I was cut out. Nothing I ever did until Shepard came along was worth a _damn_ back on the fleet! If it weren't for him, I would have-"

"And so you have just forgotten all the hurtful things he said to you and you to him? You would rather be near a person who treated you like nothing instead of the company of your own people?"

"But can you even blame him?" she said distantly. "I mean, it wasn't even his entire fault."

"I don't believe this," Rael sounded exasperated. "Now you're making _excuses_ for him?!"

"I _left_ him, dad!" she shouted, standing up to face her father, despite the fact that he still had a couple inches on her. "I was the one who chose to leave him back on Earth but I was _wrong! _It was wrong of me to do that. I should never have left, never have gotten this stupid promotion, and never gotten involved in this war from the start."

"You're betraying everything I raised you to be. You're my daughter and you will respect your people -your _species_- by going back to Rannoch and leading them to a better future! _That_ is where you are meant to be, _not_ to partake in any extended contact with a human!"

Tali slammed her fist down on a nearby crate, sending a set of tools careening to the ground where they clattered noisily on the grate. "That _human_ is the only person who ever believed in me from the start. If it weren't for him, I probably wouldn't be standing here right now and our people would just be a memory in the history of the galaxy. You owe him more respect than that."

Rael took a step forward until their visors were almost touching. "So, you feel indebted to him, is that the way of it? He may have saved our race, Tali, but that does not in any way excuse him from all of the mistakes he's made in the past. To you, I mean. How could you possibly still find yourself drawn to him now?"

"Because he _needs_ me!" she yelled. "He's using _drugs_, dad. He's tearing himself apart because I made an error! I just…I don't know what to say to him. I still don't know if he even wants me, that's what I'm most afraid of."

"Of what? Fearful that a _junkie_ will turn you down? This situation is more out of control than I feared. Now you know that this human is using drugs? Ancestors, Tali, why are you doing this to yourself? You would have been better off on Rannoch, leading the charge to recolonize our homeworld. Now I find you here, chasing a half-addled alien across the galaxy in a foolish gamble to see if he still has feelings for you or not. If your mother only knew what you were up to-"

She swung her fist, fully expecting it not to connect. To her shock, Rael was thrown to the ground, grunting, but her fist still swung as if she had merely passed through air. She did not even feel the impact at all. Coughing, Rael sat up like he genuinely had been punched, a large spiderweb now visible on his dark visor. He blinked and touched the large cracks in disbelief. "You hit me."

"Don't you _dare_ talk about mother like that," Tali hissed, angrier than she had ever known herself to be. "You have no idea what she would say in this situation."

Rael shook his head. "And neither do you. Especially since _you_ were responsible for her death when you came into this galaxy. Or have you forgotten that aspect completely?"

Tali's jaw dropped as she was completely and utterly horrified. While it was true that Tali's mother had died during childbirth, Rael had never spoken of it before publicly and never to her. Such a thing to say was way more hurtful than anything she had endured before. She had been called a "suit-rat" and a "bitch" before, but she had never in her life been accused of killing someone who would have meant so much to her. Not even Shepard had been so cruel. _It…my mother…it…it wasn't my fault…no…_

She kicked him, her foot also not registering anything, but Rael jolted and was propelled backward a few feet, wheezing from the impact to the gut. If Tali hadn't been so enraged at the moment, she would have been trembling from fear for actually striking her father this way. Rael struggled to sit up, now clutching his stomach. "No daughter of mine would _dare_ strike me this way."

"I may be your daughter," Tali managed as she tried not to break down, "But that means nothing when my father is dead. You've never been there for me when I needed you, let alone at all. I don't need you at all now. You've been leading me astray this whole time, knowing nothing about what is truly best for me."

"I warn you, if you go back to that human I'll-"

"You'll what, dad?" Tali sighed. "Try to anger me some more with untrue anecdotes about my past? You're pathetic. I'd rather spend my time with Shepard than have to listen to your drivel any longer. He may have hurt me, yes, but I know it can be mended. We, however, cannot."

Turning her back on her father, she marched determinedly up the steps, faintly hearing him scream and curse at her from behind, threatening all sorts of gutless consequences for her. She didn't listen, smiling when his yells subsided as the doors shut behind her. Since engineering now was actively conspiring against her, she knew she had to make good on her promise and set out to rectify another situation. She waited for the elevator on her level and when it opened, she hit the button that took her back up to Shepard's cabin.

Tali had no idea what she was going to say when she would arrive back up. Would she begin by groveling, accusing, or simply standing in silence? Perhaps she should let Shepard initiate, seeing as he was the one who seemed to be in a greater form of distress than she was at the moment. Right now, she could definitely sympathize.

Heart racing, she walked into his cabin, door still unlocked, and was immediately hit by a periwinkle burst of light. She blinked for a second before she realized that the illumination was appearing from the skylight, the rosy color of the Serpent nebula shining through and casting everything in a cool glow. They must be at the Citadel, she realized. Why else would the Normandy travel here?

"Shepard?" she asked out loud, looking to and fro around his cabin, searching for the human. He was not sitting at his desk, nor was he sleeping on his bed. She even cautiously checked the bathroom but found it empty as well.

Shepard was nowhere to be found.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: I've got a busy week coming up, so the next chapter might be a little late. Seeing what I have in store, I assure you it will be well worth the wait.**_

_**Of course, there might be a few more obstacles in store for our two main characters. This isn't going to be in any way easy. Heh...heh...**_


	9. Chapter 9: Interrupted Fate

The Citadel – Wards

The day had just started and already Shepard was feeling like he got hit by a truck. He had just arrived from the embassies after a short, but rather terse, meeting with the asari councilor, detailing for him his objectives for his next mission. Some days he forgot that he still answered to the whim of the Council, seeing that the bulk of his duties in the past few months had been Alliance first and everyone else second. He was a Spectre after all, but that title got less impressive to him with each passing day. If he didn't need the entire galaxy backing him up, he would have quit long ago.

Shepard wondered if the councilor had noticed that he was doped, seeing as this hydromorphone had an extremely long period of potency and he was only into the second hour since its application. Perhaps that was why that their meeting had devolved into a shouting match on his end, if he was sober he would have exhibited more control. Then again, he had not just admitted straight out that his culture had been breaking Council-mandated laws for centuries while exhibiting hypocritical sanctions upon others for the same infractions. Perhaps he had a good right to have lost his temper.

When he had emerged from the meeting room in a huff, he didn't feel like going back to the Normandy just yet. Instead, he ordered the automated skycar to transport him down to the Wards. After that childish bout, he desperately needed a drink, but he mentally reminded himself not to go too overboard. There was no reason to fall into alcohol right now, he still had a job to do.

Given his current disposition, a place with loud music would be extremely prone to setting him off down a violent rampage. An assault on his ears was not really the sort of relaxed atmosphere he was looking for, which automatically ruled out Purgatory. That, in a way, was good, because Shepard didn't want to be in close proximity to Aria T'Loak anyway. There was just something about that asari that creeped him out, even though she purported to be an ally of his.

Fortunately, Flux offered just the sort of environment that would be most comfortable to his tastes. The music was always set to a medium volume. People came there to drink and talk in an audible establishment and they had the option to dance if they so chose. Flux was pretty much the pinnacle of a casual's approach to life on the Citadel: a bevy of options with an emphasis on socialization.

The place looked to be moderately packed, Shepard noted as he passed by the turian bouncer at the entrance. Most people were sitting down at the tables and only four people were dancing in the designated area at this time. Up on the second floor, more tables were positioned as well as a few rows of quasar machines for the amateur gambler to engage in. Shepard had no interest in gambling at the moment (he never felt the urge) and was more dead-set on the bar being manned by the volus instead.

Grabbing a spare seat (from which there were plenty), the unoccupied bartender sidled up to him at once, speech halted by infrequent intakes of breath. "Good evening sir. Would you like to hear our special for today?"

_Evening?_ Shepard wondered. _It seemed like my day had just started_. _All this travel is making me more lagged than I thought_. "No thanks," he replied. "Just need something to down before I head off. Rough day and all that."

"Understandable. Whenever you're ready, sir."

Shepard squinted at the rows of liquor adorning the shelves behind the bartender, spying bottles upon bottles of spirits, before making a noise through his mouth and shrugging. "You know what? I can't decide right now. You can just make me something with a decent amount of alcohol in it that is moderately sized and I'll drink it."

"Certainly, sir. I would assume that you would prefer only human-centric alcohol in this case?"

"Naturally."

The volus shied away to prepare his order, leaving Shepard alone for a few minutes. His eyes were quickly drawn to the large screens above the bar, showing a few sports teams that were still playing in light of the danger that the galaxy held within.

Shepard tapped his fingers as he started watching a bioti-ball game. San Jose Guardians versus the Dresden Tigers. Right now, Dresden was favored to win and the score certainly reflected that analysis. Shepard watched the two teams pass the ball back and forth with ease, each one a well-oiled unit and reacting quickly to any change in tactic. He found himself entranced by the match that he almost didn't notice the bartender arriving with his drink.

"Don't usually have the chance to make this drink all that much," the volus said. "A mojito with tequila as the primary, an altered variation of the drink I believe, with some peppermint extract."

Shepard looked at the pieces of mint floating around with the crushed ice in the glass, the alcohol making swirls inside. "Pretty good. All of that sounds about right."

"Only humans order this drink here, since I don't believe anyone else knows it exists. Truth be told, I've been looking for an excuse to get rid of the excess tequila around here as it's not the most popular of liquors."

"I guess it's fortunate that I came along, right?"

"Quite. Did you want to set up a tab or is that going to be it for this evening?"

Shepard activated his omni-tool for the necessary transfer. "Better make it just this one to be safe."

"Wise words," the bartender acknowledged. "Have a pleasant rest of your day."

As he left to go help some other patron, Shepard took a sip of his mojito, feeling the ice press against his lips, numbing them. The tequila certainly had a bit of bite to it, but the lime and mint in the drink helped to take the edge off. Actually, it was rather refreshing and left a pleasant taste in his mouth afterward.

Taking another sip, he started to relax in his chair. He resumed watching the game above him, drink in hand, feeling more and more comfortable here as he just momentarily forgot about the woes of the outside world. He was content staying here, but of course he could not keep running forever. This little deviation would do him all the more good, certainly. In fact, he had not felt this serene in-

A nearby _thump_ indicated to him that someone had flopped down in the seat next to him. Instinctively, he tore his eyes from the bioti-ball game and flickered over onto the stranger. He immediately did a double-take and found a leering face smirk across from him, hands folded over her chest as she crossed her legs.

"I knew I'd find you sooner or later, _faggot_," Rachael crowed as she adjusted herself on her chair. "I go to _all_ the places here so I knew you couldn't escape me forever."

Dumbstruck, Shepard could only gape at the woman. Her hair was now tied into two ponytails and she was dressed somehow even more provocatively than before. It was an effort for him not to look at her nearly bare legs, her revealed midriff not really helping him focus either. _Good god. Doesn't this woman have anything better to do with her time other than party? Why the hell is this even happening to me?_

Now he had to contend with getting out of yet another snarl in his personal life. Shepard was still working out what to say but apparently that was too slow for Rachael, who was already spouting more nonsense from her mouth. "So you think that you can just walk away after knocking me out, huh, fucker? Do you think that's an appropriate way to treat a lady?"

_You're no lady_. Her breath hit him full on in the face, the unmistakable reek of alcohol wafting into his nostrils. _She's completely trashed. _"Look, Rachael," he began carefully, "I tried to tell you that night that I wasn't interested. I do recall indicating to you that I made a mistake so can't you just leave me alone? What's done is done and that's it."

"Oh, just leave you alone?" she bit back in a snarky manner. "Yeah, no. I had to get five stiches on my fucking _head_, you asshole. And I bet that one of the medics copped a feel on me because I had no clothes to wear when I was admitted into some fucking hospital!"

Shepard rolled his eyes, noticing that some other patrons were starting to stare, attracted to the noise. "So what do you want from me? Money, is that it? I paid your medical bills anonymously so you can't get _that_ from me. Also, your lack of clothing was your fault. _You_ were the one who removed them in the first place, I didn't even have to talk you into doing that. No doubt that's how you get all of the guys into your bed anyway."

She recoiled as if she'd just been slapped. "Wow, you are a fucking _dick_, you know that?"

"Seems to describe me perfectly," Shepard muttered, now beyond caring. "Why don't you just screw off for a while and spread your legs for some other poor sap? God forbid if you can't get laid every day of the week."

It was the wrong thing to say and he knew it. It was either the alcohol, the painkillers, or his ego doing the talking for him but he was fully aware of that bit and didn't care at all. He set his glass down, bracing for the inevitable whirlwind and was not disappointed.

Rachael began hitting at his arm that was closer to him, the impacts making muted slaps. It didn't hurt him that much (the hydromorphone doing its job perfectly) but it sure made him look like an idiot in this establishment, judging by the odd looks some of the customers were giving him at the moment. _She keeps this up and they're going to throw us both out. And I haven't even finished my drink yet._

He kept his face relatively neutral as Rachael was on the verge of throwing herself on him in her anger. A few times he would raise an arm to ward off a blow that would be aiming for his face, getting more and more annoyed from her indignant attitude.

"You are a _faggot_," she hissed. "You are a loser and a creep and I'll make sure that everyone knows it! I'll tell the press that Commander Shepard is a lying _piece of shit_! I'll-"

"You're going to have to get in line after me," a voice behind Rachael quipped dryly.

Rachael turned around, looking miffed at being interrupted mid-sentence, and Tali punched her square in the jaw, snapping her head back violently. The blow dazed Rachael so badly that she lost her balance, tipping in her chair towards the ground. With a cruel dose of fate, Rachel's head caught the edge of the bar counter as she fell, sending her crashing down with a mighty _thump_.

Meanwhile, Tali stood shaking her hand in pain. "Ow, the vids make punching someone look so easy."

Shepard would have never thought that he would be so glad to see Tali in this moment. His jaw was agape, mind completely asunder, as he blankly looked at Rachael's prone body and back at Tali. "You knocked her out _again_."

"Oh really?" Tali asked smugly. "That's a shame. I was half-hoping that I could draw this out a bit longer."

The volus bartender was peering over the counter at the unconscious human. With a sigh, he fixed Shepard with a stare. "Well, she's bleeding all over my floor. After it had just been cleaned too. I'm going to have to call some medics to take her away otherwise I'll just get sued."

Shepard's hands gravitated to his glass in a protective manner. "Are you going to throw us out too?"

The volus glanced at Shepard and Tali briefly before responding. "That wouldn't be exactly fair. I can draw up several witnesses saying that she instigated the entire encounter, leaving you, for the moment, blameless. As long as you're not involved in another altercation tonight I won't ask you to leave. I do take it you know the quarian, though?"

"Yes I do."

"And we were just leaving anyway," Tali joined in as she grabbed Shepard's arm, starting to lead him away.

"I haven't finished my drink yet," Shepard protested, not resisting to her grip though.

"Fine," Tali sighed. "I guess I'll wait until you're done. But can we move away from this bitch?" she gestured to the still knocked out Rachael. "I really don't want to look at her for a second longer than necessary."

Shepard took a measured sip, drink back in hand. "I'm not inclined to argue with you on that front."

Tali led the charge toward the staircase in the back of the club. It was obvious that she was vying for a spot that at least promised the inhabitants a measure of privacy. Shepard could reason that a quiet place to talk was probably in their best interest right about now. He sure was not keen on anyone else recognizing him for some slight he had done in the past, potentially creating another scene.

There was a booth in the corner overlooking the bar which Tali seized, Shepard following her somewhat willingly. Ordinarily, the prospect of sitting with her at the moment would have rated low with him, but a skewed evening forced him to make a certain number of sacrifices today. He made a mental note not to be too argumentative toward her, unless she was keen on starting something. At this point, all Shepard wanted was a little soundness of mind.

Tali was still flexing her fingers, stiffened from the punch. "Are you unable to go _anywhere_ without making a complete fool of yourself?"

"Things like this happen," he shrugged, a little bit relieved from the lighter tone that Tali had adopted, as opposed to their previous conversation. "I seem to attract trouble wherever I go."

"No kidding."

Shepard now raised an eyebrow. "How did you even know where to find me?"

"You know that EDI is very helpful when it comes to tracking crew members if you just ask politely?" she replied in an off-handed manner, still glancing at her fingers. "Keelah, I hope I haven't broken anything."

"I think you would be in a lot more pain if you did break something," he replied automatically, reassuring her without realizing it at first. "For what it's worth, thanks." He gave a tiny smile, one he allowed to slip through his cracked façade.

Tali spied the smile immediately, giving her own in response even though she knew he wouldn't see it, feeling lighter already. "That was something I've wanted to do for a while."

"No doubt. I keep on forgetting that you did see me the other time I was with her," he rubbed his scalp sheepishly. "In all honesty, that was a dumb move on my part."

"At least you didn't make a dumber move."

"Such as?" Shepard said before he took a sip from his mojito again, now that he was a little more relaxed.

"Well, it's obvious that you didn't sleep with her."

"Oh, so you believe me _now?_"

Tali frowned. "Seeing as I entered the place just as you reiterated that you were not interested in her and witnessing her reaction afterwards was kind of a giveaway. So…yes, I do believe you now. And I'm sorry that I didn't earlier."

The briefest urge for Shepard to rub Tali's previous assertion in her face came and went in milliseconds. Maybe reality and reason were overpowering whatever depressant was flowing around in his bloodstream at the moment, but it just made good sense not to go looking for a fight at each available corner. Shepard looked at his drink briefly before setting it aside and pushing it to the far corner of the table. Perhaps he was done for tonight, recalling that Tali had forcibly removed his liquor the last time they had talked. He wanted to make it look like that he was choosing not to drink right now, demonstrating his strength of will. "Actually, I can understand why you would not believe me earlier. I can't exactly deny that I was acting like a prick that day."

"No argument there," Tali said somewhat facetiously.

"Yeah," Shepard hung his head all the same. "But personally, I'm glad that I never went any further with her. I was in a bad state when I accepted her offer to leave with her and I'll always regret that."

"Which reminds me, what was up with you mentioning that I knocked her out _again?_"

Shepard grimaced in an exaggerated manner. "If I answer this one question, can we please change the subject?"

_Gladly_, she beamed. "Deal."

"The long and short of it is that I realized that I didn't want to be involved with her for one more second at the last moment and tried to back out. She got a little ticked off at that."

"Something tells me she was _more_ than a little ticked off."

"If you count that as going completely ballistic and hitting me everywhere in arm's reach, then yes. In trying to move away, I shoved her a little harder than I would have liked and she hit the edge of her bed, thus knocking her out."

_Serves her right_. Tali certainly felt more liberated now, especially after hearing that Shepard had basically redeemed himself from a potentially troubling situation. She wanted to know more specifics regarding the why he would have gotten himself involved with her in the first place, but she had agreed to his terms and judging by Shepard's uncomfortable expression, this wasn't a topic he wanted to broach lightly. She decided to drop the matter entirely. "I'm just glad that I got here at the right time to ruin her day. I was actually looking for you back on the ship for a while before I discovered that you had left for the Citadel."

_Actively searching me out now?_ "Really?" he said as nonchalantly as possible. "I didn't think the rest of the crew needed to hear the details. Besides, it was a rather clandestine meeting with the asari councilor. I doubt they would have allowed anyone else from the crew to be in the same room with her after the recent security breaches on the station."

"I guess that makes sense. What exactly did she want to talk about? If you're allowed to say it, that is."

Shepard blew air from his mouth. "She told me to keep my mouth shut but I'm not really inclined to at the moment. Bottom line is, we're going to Thessia for our next assignment."

"Thessia? How come?"

"The asari hid a prothean beacon on their planet for centuries. Since I'm the only sorry bastard who can use that knowledge to the advantage of the war effort, she thought it would be a logical place for me to go next."

Tali blinked. "A prothean beacon? You're kidding. They actually knew about it? Is…isn't that grounds for extremely heavy repercussions from the Council?"

"It most certainly is. But the asari, in their arrogance, decided to keep this knowledge for themselves and seal it off to the rest of the galaxy. Kind of hypocritical too, when you consider how many sanctions the asari themselves have imposed on us humans for meddling with prothean tech by ourselves."

Tali made a worried face. "How mad were you when she told you about the beacon?"

"Furious." Detecting from Tali's stiff body language that she required more than just a blurb, he elaborated further. "I kind of made a hash out of myself when she told me the revelation without her seeming to accept that what she and her kind did was wrong."

"Oh no," Tali sighed, covering her eyes with her hands on her visor. "What did you do _now_?"

Shepard glanced at his abandoned drink for a second before tearing his gaze away. "Let's just say that harsh words were uttered, then they were shouted, and a few odds and ends were tossed around. Not in a playful manner."

She could only shake her head. "You're unbelievable. Did you know that?"

"So I've been told." Weirdly, Shepard was not finding himself at all aggravated anymore. Perhaps it was simply the right combination of events that resulted in his current mindset, or there was some nostalgic appeal in talking to Tali like this. He had forgotten that they used to converse for hours on end, light verbal sparring occurring between them. It was all very sentimental for him, this experience.

For Tali, she was getting more and more relieved after each sentence that Shepard sounded that was not a direct attack on her. In all actuality, he sounded…_happier_. At least more so than usual. She found herself satisfied with staying here with him a little while longer, just casually talking, as if they were friends again. "If only I could have known where you were earlier, I would have been able to save you from destroying the councilor's office, you _bosh'tet_."

_In the same way I saved you? _ "In hindsight, that probably would have been a blessing. But why were you looking for me at all? I was under the impression that our last conversation was…troublesome, for lack of a better word, and that you would have preferred staying away from me at all costs."

"It _was_ troubling," she agreed. "But not disastrous. It actually helped me a great deal with the revelations you made. Even though we had some…complications arising. I think there's still hope, though."

_If she brings up the drugs, I'm leaving_. But Tali did not bring up his drug usage, or any more words at all. She just sat there, staring straight at Shepard, letting him put all the pieces of the puzzle together. Tali sighed a little and looked off to the side, staring into space. Shepard anxiously started tapping his fingers lightly on the table, silently acknowledging that she made her point. "So we ended a talk on frosty terms, opened doors that should have remained closed, and yet you _still_ decided to seek me out? Why?"

Tali rested her hands across the table, a plea for him to listen. _Because I know you can find it in yourself to forgive me...as I can forgive you. _She fumbled for a second, then squeaked out, "It would just sound crazy to you, John."

"Crazy how?" he inquired, voice dropping down to her volume, still discernable over the distant music.

His genuine tone almost convinced her to come clean, to just speak her mind straight out. But her nerve got the best of her; she could practically hear her father in her ear snorting in victory. Damn him, damn him. "I…for another time, perhaps." _You can't just keep running from him, _she told herself._ He will always pull you back, Tali._

Shepard's face fell slightly, but he gave a nod that he understood. It was as if he knew what she was going to say, but didn't want to pressure her. She felt regretful and hopeful from that. Conversely, the emotions swimming within Shepard were disjointed and confused, short-circuiting inside his head. Was it time to finally let go? Should he not even be mad at the quarian anymore? Did she understand the need for acceptance and care just as much as he did? _We've shared too much. Been through hell and back together. I can't just walk away from this._

In the shadowy corners of the booth, Shepard jittered slightly as Tali felt her cheeks flush with embarrassment. She felt that she had given too much away and had played her card too early. If Shepard knew about it, then he definitely had a good poker face. There was no tell of what his true thoughts were on the matter and he was not like to reveal them on the spot right this moment.

Finger trembling slightly, she pointed at Shepard's glass. "Um…are you going to finish that?"

Shepard jerked his head like he was getting out of an intense daydream. "Huh, what?"

"Your drink. Are you done with it?"

He blinked for a few seconds before following where she was pointing. Shepard crossed his arms over his chest as he perceived the mojito sitting abandoned near the edge. "No. I'm done with it. Did you want to leave now?"

"I think that would be best."

Shepard suddenly held up a hand, causing her to halt mid-stand. "Actually, I want to ask something of you before we go."

"What did you want to ask me?"

"What did you think of it?"

"Of what?"

"Of Rannoch."

Tali paused, slightly confused as to why he would inquire about the homeworld. "Of…Rannoch? What do you mean?"

"I never got a chance to ask you beforehand and since you talked about it a lot all those months ago, I remembered that getting it back was very important to you. I'm…I would like to know what you thought about it, is all."

She was severely touched that Shepard remembered, despite the belatedness. Her heart seemed to swell and everything looked like it was getting to be back on track for her. "I…I had only heard stories from the elders on the flotilla," she admitted as she lowered herself back down. "But they could never have described what I saw purely by words alone. They could never imagine what it would be like to see the rock formations rise over your head, to see the starry night sky glimmer above you, to hear the crashing of the waves in the beyond and know, with certainty, that it was _yours_."

Shepard covered his mouth with his hands, simultaneously propping his head up. As Tali continued, his smile got wider as he took in the quarian's enthusiasm. "I mean…what else can I say? It was incredible standing there, knowing that I was among the first of my people to stand on Rannoch in over three centuries. I know it probably meant less to you than it did for me but on that cliff, watching the sun set on the horizon, I knew it would be a perfect home. It might not be the prettiest out of all the planets I've seen, I'll admit, but knowing here," she placed a hand over her chest, "That _this_ is where I came from, makes it the most beautiful place I've ever been to in my life."

Across from her, Shepard sat very still, trying to imagine the wealth of emotions that had flooded the quarian at that particular moment. "I take it you are going to build that house when everything is said and done, right?"

Tali nodded determinedly. "It's my home now. It's where I belong." _If I even live long enough to build it, that is._

Shepard's mouth was a slightly sad line as he took in everything she said. It was poignant and filled with emotion. A slight sadness, but hope nonetheless. It was proof that something could be gained when everything was lost. He pursed his lips together as he now stood, signaling that it was time to leave. "Thank you, Tali. I guess I needed to hear that." He gestured towards the exit of the club. "It probably doesn't mean much, coming from me, but…helping to take your homeworld back…I didn't do it for your fleet. I meant what I said down there, you were _never _just an asset to me." He looked away, suddenly embarrassed, as if his mouth had betrayed the orders of his mind for a split second, revealing more about him for Tali to interpret.

_Oh but it does, John. It really does. _ Tali's visor thankfully hid her distant look, her eyes focusing only on Shepard as he walked over to her side of the booth. "I'm ready to leave if you are."

"Okay, Shepard," Tali said as she got up, following behind as they took the stairs downward. Even though she counted this as a positive outcome, she still bemoaned her lack of initiative when it really counted tonight. It was just so much harder to say it to his face when she could easily say it out loud to herself-

_Wait, that's it!_ Tali realized, almost tripping on her feet in her moment of clarity. _I know what I can do! I can make this all work out!_

Suddenly giddy, Tali found herself anticipating their return to the ship. Fate certainly had a sense of humor.

* * *

><p><span>Thessia – Temple of Athame<span>

The towering green spire rose above the chaos, impartial to the goings on of the tiny beings set in front of it. Strands of light and energy zipped all around its base, shouts filled the air, and death reigned outside. For the prothean beacon had waited thousands of years for this moment, the lives of a few individuals meant nothing in the grand scheme of time.

Just as the councilor had promised, the glowing orb of the beacon hovered nearby, patiently waiting for the resolution of the conflict between the two groups. A record of time long passed, its sole purpose was to aid the next cycle in the elimination of the Reaper threat through the divulging of the data it had stored in its memory banks. The tall monoliths of data rose upward, extending to the bottom of the temple several stories down, containing exabytes of information housed in their banks.

Across the asari homeworld, the Reapers had begun their assimilation of the planet's inhabitants. The towering, kilometer-sized, forms of the capital ships striding across the landscape made for a horrendous sight, a vision straight out of a nightmare. Their presence was a symbol that even the mightiest of civilizations could fold if enough pressure was applied. Even the asari were not completely infallible, their recent cover-up notwithstanding.

The legions of throes produced by the metal monsters only were a tidal wave of meat and ichor for Shepard and his fireteam, composed of Tali, Liara, and Garrus, to wade through. It had taken them a grueling hour to get to the temple from the landing zone they had been deposited at. Enemy air units in the area had made any further travel impossible on their end, necessitating the need to travel on foot. It had been an hour comprised of several fierce skirmishes, but in the end they had made it, past all the conflict and their objective in sight.

Or so they had thought.

They barely had any time to settle in and question the prothean beacon on the nature for the Crucible when a light flared from the entrance, causing them to turn around. All of them heard the rapid clicks of machine guns being primed and suddenly the whole room exploded with noise.

Shepard threw himself behind the first pew in the nick of time, watching tracer rounds slice by overhead. Tali was crouched next to him, holding her shotgun aloft, softly cursing under her breath. Liara and Garrus were hunched behind a pillar upon which a prothean relic was perched. A few gunshots later and the delicate artifact now lay on the ground in pieces, causing Liara's eyes to widen in shock.

The beams of light were originating from two Mantis gunships, Shepard surmised, judging by the twin roars of air from separate intakes as well as the fact that multiple shadows were being cast around the temple. Just outside, one of the gunships broke off from the assault to land over to the side, allowing its wingman to have complete control over the airspace in the vicinity, decreasing the chances of a mid-air collision.

"Cerberus," he gritted his teeth. There was no question as to who their assailants were, Reaper troops were not as well-disciplined and there were no other foes that he could recall that warranted this kind of violence against him specifically. He glanced over at Tali. "Ready to put that shotgun to good use?"

She racked the slide, an unnecessary gesture but emphasizing her attitude very clearly. "You know it, Shepard."

_Look, you're even talking to her like you used to. Why can't things go back to the way they once were? _Grinning like a fool for some reason, he signaled for her to take her edge of the pew while he would use the far end for cover. Counting down from three, they both stood and unleashed hell.

Through the piercing light, he could hear the yells of startled troopers followed by the mechanical clunking of footsteps. Someone was running at _him_ now through his hail of bullets, silhouette blocking the edges of the illumination before the exo trooper vaulted over the pew and punched him in the chest with an augmented fist, throwing him down to the ground.

The black armor of the 1433-equipped Cerberus trooper looked to be scuffed, as if he had gotten some hands-on experience with the exo before. Bracers primed against his arms, the soldier brought his modified Revenant machine gun to bear, hydraulics taking the weight of the huge gun, until a blast from Tali's shotgun knocked him sideways. His shields still held but they still sparked in protest. He abruptly swiveled in place to cut the quarian to pieces before Shepard slammed the butt of his gun down on the huge weapon, knocking it askew.

A growl came from the trooper, who plowed a fist into the side of Shepard's head to shake him off. Shepard was launched away again but that left the enemy exposed once more. Tali, with a quick overload of the trigger mechanism, leveled a carnage blast and it hit the exo soldier directly in the middle of the chest, disintegrating it, and the remnants of his central cavity dripped bits of intestine and rib pieces along the ground. The exo still held the man's head and limbs in their position, comically poised as if he could look down at what had happened, seeing his entire torso displaced along a five meter radius.

There was no time to celebrate, for there were several more exo-equipped soldiers pouring through the entrance. A roar from the middle of the pack sounded and several parted to let a new combatant through. Shepard really should not have been surprised to see Kai Leng heading this entire endeavor, the mere presence of the man in this place made him heat up with rage, recalling seeing the assassin dispatch Thane so carelessly.

Shepard primed a grenade and launched it into the group. Seconds later, it detonated with a flash of light and a puff of smoke, bowling over several soldiers who were unlucky enough to be caught in its vicinity. The one currently engaged in combating Garrus and Liara was distracted by the loud noise, turning his head slightly, allowing the turian to rise up and execute a perfect headshot, splattering brains across the pristine floor, another perfect kill.

While all that was going on, the group failed to realize that one of the exos had snuck behind their flank. Rather than open fire and seize this opportunity, the trooper approached the hovering prothean hologram and began to download it to his omni-tool, deleting the local copy and watching the pale green icon fade away as the memory banks were purged. The theft accomplished in seconds, the Cerberus trooper beat feet towards the entrance of the temple, careful to not draw so much attention to himself and heading out of the immediate line of fire.

Shepard was doubtful that Leng had been one of the ones killed from his grenade and a flash of steel from behind the nearest pillar proved his point. At the last second, he raised his rifle to block the blow and Leng's ninjato glanced off, sending up a few sparks from the exchange. Not one to be fazed so easily, Leng whirled in a backslash but Shepard leaped away, the sword slashing harmlessly at air.

With a few seconds to catch his breath, Shepard knew he had to buy more time. The sword had only scratched the casing of his Avenger so he leveled it as soon as he had the chance and clenched the trigger as hard as he could. The terrorist held up a hand and a shield suddenly encased him, unyielding to Shepard's attacks, round after round bouncing off it, ricocheting away.

Pausing to reload, Shepard was caught off guard as Leng was waiting for this particular moment. Disengaging his shield, he roared again and rushed to spear Shepard upon his sword. Shepard was considering the prospects of lunging to the side and hoping that he wouldn't get sliced in half until Tali stepped in with her own gun raised, blocking the blow intended for him.

Leng's eyebrows arched upward in surprise. He was clearly disgusted at a quarian even thinking to challenge him. Shepard was just as startled, unable to see the fire in Tali's eyes as she blasted away at Leng, pushing him back.

"Tali, stop!" he yelled. "He's too powerful for you, back off!"

"While I watch _you_ get speared?" she retorted. "No chance!"

Approaching the still stunned Leng, she fired another burst from her shotgun but the human leaped to the side, avoiding the hail of bullets. He circled around, trying to exploit her slow rate of fire and swiped viciously with his sword. Quickly reacting, she ducked under the blade, her outstretched hand briefly scraping along the cloak he wore, leaping back when he made to use his momentum to circle around. Leng lowered his sword for a less avoidable diagonal cut when Shepard intercepted him first.

"No…you…don't!" he yelled as he swung the butt of his gun, hitting Leng in the chin and throwing him off balance. Shepard fired at Leng for good measure but the man's shields still held fast, clearly upgraded to the point where they were nigh impenetrable.

It still didn't protect the user from any secondary harm though, as Tali rushed forward and fired once more, catching Leng in the torso. Her shot didn't penetrate, but it was successful in that it propelled Leng back several feet, rolling him into the middle of the aisle. Snarling, Leng jumped up, but he was clutching his stomach as if he had been heavily bruised, shaken up more than usual. He barked an order into his comm and suddenly everyone was blinded like before, the Mantis rocketing into position.

Watching Leng disappear into the light, red hot projectiles were propelled forth from it at relativistic speeds, pinning everyone down. The exo troopers still out in the open were not discriminated by the turrets, their shields sparking and failing, creating fountains of blood as their bodies were holed out, chunks of bone punching out through flesh. There was a sudden _whoosh_ and a section of the wall seemingly exploded, causing bits of the temple to rain down upon them.

While shielding himself from the rubble, Shepard saw the faint white streak fade from the impact site, the trail headed outside. "Missiles!" he called out, catching sight of Liara and Garrus on the other side. "They're going to bring down the temple!"

Just seconds as he issued his warning, a series of eruptions resounded throughout the chamber, pressure shockwaves rebounding throughout them, sending them to the floor. Shepard's Avenger fell out of his hand and bounced mere feet away. However, where it landed, a crack suddenly appeared next to it, the concrete and metal surface fissuring from the stress.

_Oh crap_. Shepard stared, dumbstruck for a second, before the floor opened up in front of him, sending his rifle tumbling into a bottomless abyss, only illuminated by the grey glint from the prothean drives. He scrambled backward, desperately clawing away from the collapsing structure when he noted that Tali was nowhere in sight. He frantically looked in all directions before glancing behind him, his eyes widening quickly.

_Tali_. The quarian was lying on the ground only feet away, still stunned from the missile detonations, oblivious to the danger creeping up on her. As the cracking sound grew closer, she raised her head, staring straight at him, and finally realized what was about to occur when the ground underneath her legs fell away and she started sliding backward.

As her body started to disappear over the edge, Shepard's sense of time slowed down, as the voice of Saren whispered greedily in his ear, depositing his poisonous words to a receiving listener.

"_They're all going to die anyway, Shepard."_

"No!" Shepard screamed as he pushed himself forward towards the crumbling rim. His hand shot out and found a flailing one in response just in time. Below, Tali dangled over the edge, eyes wide behind her visor. Shepard grunted as all her weight was forced onto his arm, causing him to bring his other arm over to grasp at her hand. He hoped that the floor wouldn't give right where he was lying.

Tali made moans of terror as she struggled not to look down, feet kicking out in all directions, desperate for purchase. Her other arm waved wildly as Shepard continued to hold her, unsure of what to do with it.

"Tali!" Shepard grunted, half in pain, half in fear. "Give me your other hand right now!" That was easier said than done, both his hands were occupied and she was half-crazed by panic.

"Shepard!" she cried out. "Please help me! _I'm slipping!_"

"No you're not!" he growled out, even though he clenched his fingers tighter to slow her hand from sliding out from the grip of his gloves. He almost screamed as he felt her hand shift downward, despite all his strength.

"_Please! I'm going to die!_"

"You're not going to die!" he roared, fighting to keep himself by being consumed by panic too. If he so much as faltered, all was lost. "You are _not_ going to die, Tali! You can't die this way and do you know why? Because _I love you_, Tali! I've always loved you and that means that I can't let you die today! I won't, do you hear me?! _I love you!_"

_Things can go back to normal. I know it._

All of her muscles slackened at his words, an instantaneous reaction to a combination of sounds that registered with her as impossible occurrence, never to be. But here they were and from the look of Shepard's horrified face, there was no question that he was not lying to her. That he, all this time, actually loved her. Her eyes shone up at his frantic ones, feeling ludicrously calm now.

"Now…" she whispered, barely audible above the din of the crumbling structure. "Now I have no reason to be afraid anymore, John."

With a final lurch, her fingers slipped out of his hand, leaving him clutching at nothing. Shepard could not even register the movement, only staring at Tali as she slowly faded out of view, the darkness swallowing her up. The last image he had of her before she faded into the black was her luminous eyes, wide from shock but leveled by relief and love.

To see her like this, midway between the point of fear and serenity, gave his heart pause. Tali did not say a word as she fell, to be lost to the unknown abyss. Shepard laid there for several seconds, silently pleading for the black to give her back to him, not knowing that tears were running down his cheeks in twin rivers, when he felt hands grasp at his arms, hauling him up.

"_NO!_" he screamed at Garrus and Liara as they pulled him away. "_NO, NO, NO, NOOOO!_ Go back! We have to get her! _I can't leave without her!_"

"Shepard, it's too late!" Garrus yelled in his ear. "This place is going to collapse any second! We need to go right now!"

"Then leave me _here_, damn you! I won't leave Tali behind!" He struggled in the grip of his comrades, his friends, as he still cried out. "_Tali! Tali!_"

"Shepard, please!" Liara begged, just before a column smashed down next to them, creating a billowing curtain of dust, choking them. Now blinded by the particulates and spluttering from the irritation in his lungs, Shepard lost all sense of direction, weakly feeling his knees begin to give. Liara and Garrus caught him, and began to lead him in a direction to salvation. He weakly followed along, the dust combined with his grief causing him to hang his head briefly and retch, splattering the pavement with sick. Hustling along, Shepard's foot caught on a raised step, and he pitched forward into the awaiting Kodiak, numbly hearing the doors close behind him as the craft prepared to leave the atmosphere.

_I…can't leave her…_ Rubbing his eyes clear and hacking up the last of the dust, he called upon all his strength and lunged at the door, even though he knew that they were miles above the surface by now. "She can't be dead!" he screamed. "Turn back right now! I _had_ her…I _had_ her…"

Incoherently sobbing, Shepard pummeled the door with all of his strength, the pain from doing so reverberating back up into his arm. His bruised knuckles screamed in protest but he did it again, this time leaving a sizeable dent in the side of the shuttle. Deranged and hysterical, he began clawing at the door, manically hoping that it would open, giving him the one chance to sprint back into the temple and find her alive in that rubble. It just couldn't be…she wouldn't just _die_…he had pushed it all aside. He wanted her _here_.

Midway through his blind grief, Shepard felt a tiny twinge on the back of his neck. He clasped a hand there in reaction and his fingers came away bloody. Turning around, he saw that Liara, with tears in her eyes, mouthed "_I'm so sorry_" at him, unable to form words wracked by anguish. In her hand, he realized as everything began to blur together, she was holding a syringe, the tip painted red from blood. His blood.

"_You bitch!_" he screeched, fully knowing what the syringe contained. "What the fuck is wrong with you? I…I can't…I love her…oh god…_Tali_…"

Black accompanying the blur, Shepard could not feel himself pitch over and embrace the cold floor, the sedative mercifully taking him away from reality. Now, he was truly all alone.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: I'm just going to spend the next day hiding from the inevitable fallout and the slew of passive-aggressive comments coming my way.**_

_**But then again, I always smile when I'm being described as an evil man. It's a good indicator that this story is certainly producing the intended reaction.**_

_**Just keep the death threats to a minimum when you're writing your reviews, okay?**_


	10. Chapter 10: A Mind of Their Own

The emptiness beckoned to him. It whispered in his ear. The void completely encompassed him, unwilling to let go of its newly chosen host.

Shadowy shapes began to take form around him, all varying shades of black. The translucent outlines of the cabin aboard the Normandy faded into existence, seemingly warping in and out of the dimensional plane that he could visibly see. In the background, a low thrumming sound vibrated throughout the room, or could it have been his ears playing tricks on him in this devoid and featureless space?

Shepard felt lighter than usual as he stood in the middle of this dark place, rigid as a board. He looked around, finding familiarity in the contours but disturbed at the foreignness of it all. He reached out a hand to touch what he imagined was his old bed and found the surface surprisingly hard. Wherever he touched, tiny grey ripples flowed from his fingertips across the surface of the odd material.

_What is this?_ He could only think as he looked at his own hand, somehow illuminated despite the lack of light. Was he hallucinating all this? Where was he?

A singular clap sounded, making him jump, and he turned to see someone standing at his desk above him, smirking victoriously. Saren Arterius brought his hands together for another slow clap, making his way towards Shepard at a snail's pace, eyes raised in satisfaction the whole time. Shepard backed up a few paces, wary at the turian's presence, searching for an object to use as a weapon. Something, anything.

"Congratulations, _Shepard_," Saren crowed, still clapping. "You have reached the terminus of the crossroads. I wonder how it feels now, knowing that your ultimate failure has come to fruition, that you were unable to save the quarian in the end…"

Upon hearing those words, Shepard drove himself forward to grasp at the turian's neck with his bare hands, but they just passed through the ex-Spectre, as if he was made of dust and shadows. His momentum took him completely through Saren, causing him to pitch forward on the ground, banging his knees uncomfortably.

Before he could launch another pointless attack, Shepard felt the scruff of his collar being yanked backward. Astonished, he perceived Saren's pleased look before the turian punched him in the gut, causing him to make a horrifying yell of pain followed by a bout of wet coughs. The clawed fingers released and Shepard fell to the ground yet again.

"You're in _my_ realm now, Shepard," Saren shook his head. "You can't possibly drive me out of here. Now, _I_ can hurt you."

To prove his point, Saren kicked at Shepard, bouncing his boot off of the human's ribcage. Shepard spluttered and groaned, clutching himself where he had been struck. As he struggled to catch his breath, he could only look up and choke out, "_Your_…realm?"

"What, does this look like anything you've seen in the physical world before? This is no longer a place you have any amount of control over. Here, all the power belongs to _me_."

Shepard had gotten to a knee by this point, but Saren had other plans. He aimed a slap at the human's head but Shepard threw up an arm to block the incoming blow. However, Saren's hand passed through Shepard's and solidified in time to strike him full on in the face, barreling him over with a grunt.

"I told you that you could not keep me out forever, Shepard. Your most recent personal loss has finally let me into the sanctity of your mind and I am not in the mood to leave anytime soon."

Grimacing, Shepard stood, preparing his body in case Saren struck again. "If it's my mind, then I should retain control over it. You will leave if I can force you out."

Saren only shrugged at that. "That has been the excuse given to us many times. And yet, no matter how many times it was uttered, we still maintained control over the host. You are no different than anyone else in this regard, Shepard."

Shepard frowned, suddenly wary. "'We?' 'Us?' What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm not surprised you haven't been able to decipher the answer, but it should be more apparent now that there is no reason to continue the charade anymore. Between your drinking, your painkiller abuse, and chasing a lonely quarian, you've been unable to concentrate on the bigger picture staring you right in the face for months on end. And the whole process culminated with the death of one you held close to you. It's funny, how organics choose to form mental connections with other organics, purporting to share similar concepts besides a mere physical attraction. In the end, it's just another weak link in the chain. Apply enough stress and the whole thing comes crashing down. And _you_, Shepard, were the one who broke the chain for us."

Moving to the bed, Shepard sat down upon it, numb at this point to any further abuse. "Tali was not a weak link, you bastard. She was the only thing that I held hope to when she was still alive; she was my drive to keep living. I _loved_ her, but of course you wouldn't understand."

"Even though you spelled out the problem just then? You said that she was the only thing you held hope to…and now the quarian is _gone_. You said it yourself, the only drive for you to keep on living was taken away from you and your soul was so irreparably damaged from her absence that it allowed me to infiltrate your deepest, darkest thoughts. That sounds like a weak link to me."

Saren now studied his fingers absentmindedly, as if Shepard was not worthy of his attention for the time being. "Also, you may claim to have loved the quarian, an admission I was finally waiting for you to voice out loud, yet you had an interesting way of showcasing that particular emotion. Throwing her off of your ship, being verbally abusive, and threating to cohabit with other individuals? Correct me if I'm wrong but that doesn't generally sound like what people do on average when experiencing such a powerful feeling." The long-dead man chuckled. "Although, I wouldn't know."

"I…" Shepard struggled, "I…I just wanted her to…I wanted to _be_ with her, but I didn't know if she wanted to be with _me_. I had no idea of knowing..."

"So if you had no idea of knowing, then why did you deliberately draw the quarian to the brink of madness before supposedly coming to your senses at the last possible moment? If you were serious about what you claim, why didn't you forgive her for leaving in the first place?"

"Why should it have fallen to _me_ to be the one to apologize first?" Shepard yelled. "It wasn't like it was my decision that caused everything to go wrong for me! I was _waiting_ for her! If she had come to me and begged for forgiveness first, I would have accepted her back with open arms!"

"But if you had been the better man, you would have apologized for your reaction in the beginning, which was responsible for creating the rift between you two. The quarian still wanted you, Shepard, but it was _you_ who splintered the link."

"What difference does it make _now?!_" Shepard stood up as he screamed. "Tali is _dead_ because I fucked up! I just as good as killed her and now…and now…"

Stiffening as the final memories of the day flowed into him, Shepard lost his entire ability to speak, rapidly dissolving into harsh sobs. He slowly slid off the bed, clutching his head as the last image of her in free-fall burned into his brain and latched on, unwilling to leave him.

Standing above the crying Shepard, Saren rolled his eyes. "Oh, get over it, Shepard. You knew this would happen and yet you foolishly continued to go with your gut instinct, trying to rekindle what you thought was lost." Shepard was still not responding, too traumatized by grief, so Saren continued. "We _did_ tell you what would transpire, that whatever effort you could muster would be doomed from the beginning."

The turian stooped down and closed a clawed hand over Shepard's windpipe. Even though the human weighed over two hundred pounds of solid muscle, Saren did not seem to be fatigued as he lifted him up with a single arm. Tears from Shepard's face dripped onto the turian's hand, disgusting him with their presence. Saren watched Shepard's defeated face with glee for a few seconds. "Just like any effort from here on out is futile."

"Then…kill me…already," Shepard wheezed, looking up at the ceiling, searching for the stars. "Just…let me…be with her…again…"

"Kill you?" Saren whispered before shooting his arm out and violently throwing Shepard onto the bed. "We have no access to your physical vessel. Any damage we do here would be limited to your mind alone." The turian seemed to ripple as he spoke. "But that's fine. We only need your mind for what we have planned. And once we are finished with you, perhaps we will grant your final request."

Clutching at his bruised neck, Shepard peered through red eyes over at his tormentor. "Why do you keep referring to yourself as 'we?' What are you _talking_ about?"

Saren walked to the side of the bed and swung his arm, knocking Shepard off with a mighty _crack_. "Use that mush in between your eyes, human!" he roared as Shepard cried out from the abuse. "Use whatever deductive skills you have left inside your pathetically limited head because they're all going to be pried out sooner or later. _We_ have been pulling the strings the entire time. _We_ have been watching you before you even comprehended our presence. _We_ will harvest you just as we did to trillions before you. Your quarian was spared from our reach but you shall reap the reward of what is yet to come. Now look at me and tell me _who we are!_"

The wording began to click, the few grains of an avalanche beginning to tumble. "You're…you're _not_ Saren…"

"True," the avatar of Saren Arterius acknowledged. "You're getting warmer, human. We go by many faces, many titles, but all have the same meaning. We exist together, as one, and we only wish convergence, as _one_. You _know_ who we are."

Shepard's jaw dropped a quarter of an inch. "It…it _can't_ be…"

"It can and it is. Your entire struggle has been for nothing. You…have _failed_, human."

It all made sense now as the pieces began to put themselves together: when Saren first started showing up, how he knew what he was thinking, the nebulous predictions he put forward. It was all just a trick, a ploy. _Indoctrination_.

"You're…a _Reaper_."

The turian gave a singular nod in response, a cruel smirk highlighting his features. "At last you see. The veil has been lifted, Shepard, the floodgates opened. And it was all thanks to that quarian. She was the key to your mind, her death having unlocked it."

"No…no…"

"_We_ were the ones who engineered the chain of events in the first place. Who else would the quarians have turned to in their desperation to gain back their planet after their foolhardy attack on the geth? All it took was our involvement and they came scurrying back to find _you, _bringing you and the quarian closer together in a harvest that spans the length of the entire galaxy. And the times we faced you down on Tuchanka and Rannoch? We could have killed you then and there, but we let you live for you were not ready then. We needed your mind intact and that quarian was the only person who could shatter your defenses, leave you vulnerable. Why else would I goad you into making poor decisions regarding you and the quarian? You would have never trusted Saren Arterius to make the best decisions in your favor. You needed someone for you to push away, to be a reminder of all your sins, leaving you no choice but to turn _back_ to the quarian. And when the time was right, she would be taken away from you, our manipulation complete!"

Saren knelt down and grasped Shepard's arms, hauling him back onto the bed so that he wouldn't have to crane his neck that much. "Welcome to your reality now, human. We've been waiting for you."

Shepard was crying again, holding his head in his hands as Saren gloated from above. "She…you just used Tali…to get to me?"

"Call her an unknowing participant. At the very least, she played her part admirably to the end. It also proves that perhaps the concept of 'love' is a debilitating disease, capable of tearing holes in the most steadfast of men. Rather interesting though, that you would be infected by this contagion for a _quarian_ no less. We would have figured that a…less delicate participant would have been more suitable for someone of your stature. Organics, always illogical."

"Tali was all I had…" Shepard whispered through his quaking body, mind splintering down different pathways. "You would not understand anyway. You can't…you're just a machine."

"Correction: we are an organism that has transcended beyond the need to develop metaphysical aspects between individual units. The need to understand is irrelevant because there is no need. We are fully aware of the…errors organics experience to maintain a suitable population amongst themselves. You have simply misinterpreted basic organic processes and overcomplicated it into an institution that is held together by words alone. What hope could you understand that your existence has been predetermined eons in advance if you cannot even master your own knowledge of your nonessential customs? _That_ is why you have no chance at maintaining your resistance in this cycle. _That_ is why the harvest will be completed."

Shepard's hands started trembling, cupped as if he was seeking respite from something he held aloft. "This whole time…all for nothing?"

"Correct. Everything you ever did was useless, including spending your time with that quarian. Nothing you accomplished will make any difference and that will resonate most of all when we finally grant your request for mercy."

Shepard, even though he was frightfully destabilized, slowly shook his head, the motion itself painful and stiff. "Tali…Tali was not useless. I owe everything to her."

"You made some strides in this cycle but they are still relative outliers, nothing more. Are you really going to attribute your 'victories' to this woman even though you've harbored a hatred for her for about a year now? Even now, you are still illogical in the face of your destiny."

"That..." Shepard grimaced, pushing back tears lined up to fall. "That is not true. I have never hated Tali."

"What is this?" Saren groaned, rolling his eyes. "We told you before that we can see through your lies as if you were invisible. You cannot hide the truth from us, Shepard."

"No," Shepard clarified. "I _have_ been driven by hatred this whole time, but it was not directed at Tali, I've realized. Never at her. All along, I've hated _myself_."

An earsplitting _CRACK!_ sounded through the room, rapidly dissipating as the noise was absorbed into the walls of the grey room. Saren looked upward and exclaimed, "What the hell?" Prompted, Shepard gazed upward and frowned in confusion.

A fissure of pure bright light, jagged and rough, was now forming along the ceiling. The break pulsed with illumination from beyond the threshold, slowly widening the line further as everything was strained at the seams. Curious but strangely calm from the breach in scenery, Shepard pressed on. "You've been with me the entire way, subtly poisoning my mind, preventing me from finding the root of the problem that would have blocked you from accessing me permanently. Tali was always there for me, even when things were at their worst, she would always be there without fail. She was my light in the darkness, relentlessly pushing against you all the way."

More cracks exploded among the walls, causing Saren to whirl about in panic. Meanwhile, Shepard kept going. "I've been hating myself because I was too prideful, too arrogant, too blind to resolve the conflict between us. I should have realized at the outset that Tali placed her duties to her people very highly while also putting me on top of a pedestal. She just wanted to have the best of both worlds and I interpreted that to mean all or nothing. I should have known that Tali still wanted to be with me, but I was afraid of losing her that I pushed her away in an attempt to minimize the damage early on. I made a mistake with what I did, but you kept on rubbing that in my face, so that I could never determine where the true blame lay with this whole time."

Saren did not seem to be paying attention as the bright rifts continued to shatter and merge, now approaching the floor. "It…it isn't _possible_…"

"Tali would never have wanted me to give up. She loved me just as much as I loved her. She wouldn't have wanted me to dissolve into drugs over her loss, she would have rather me remember her as a friend, think of her as a lover, and respect her memory by continuing to fight."

"How are you _doing_ this?" Saren whispered in horror, beginning to glow as the enormous cracks began to creep up his legs, a fiery light burning from within. Shepard now stood as the bed he was sitting on became spiderwebed, but the light simply moved _around_ him, careful not to touch any part of his body.

"I will not lose to you," Shepard announced, a courage rising inside him. "I am not going to sit down and let you walk over me. I will fight you, for all the people that are counting on me, for the trillions you have already murdered, and for Tali. When I finally do die, it will be from my own hand when all of you have perished, long gone to remain only in the memory of time. I _will_ die…only to be with _her_."

Saren's body was now pulsing with the fissures of pure light, eyes wide with panic as he examined his arms, finding them illuminated as well. Shepard still stood undisturbed, face lit from the splits around him. He walked up to Saren, not afraid anymore, and fixed him in the eye as the turian writhed in place.

"_I…will…win_."

All the walls of the cabin exploded away, bathing the entire room with white. Shepard did not squint, the light dimming just enough that he wasn't blinded at the last second. Meanwhile, Saren howled in agony, writhing from his legs beginning to heat up and dissolve, dissipating into the air.

"_How?_" The turian shouted. "How is this even possible? _What have you done?!"_

"You assumed that losing Tali would make me weak," Shepard said grimly, finding no joy in watching Saren scream. "But I found strength from that loss. I will miss her, but I will always love her. You cannot even comprehend the magnitude of what love does to a person, machine. Maybe it's something you've always needed to understand in order to determine what makes us organics so illogical. You will go no further with me."

The lower half of Saren's torso had disappeared by now and he frantically grasped at what remained of his body, desperate to keep it in place. Before he left completely, he shrieked, "You cannot keep us out forever, Shepard! We will always torment your dreams, haunt your days! You will _never_ be free of us!"

"True, but you will never get this far again. I will never be one of your thralls. If you want to get me, you'll just have to come and kill me yourself."

With a final roar, Saren vanished, a few tiny pinpricks of light flitting up into the air from where he had been consumed. Just as the tiny particulates faded from view, the entire white backdrop pulsed, an intense thrum that shook Shepard's eardrums. The pulsing began again…then again. The ripples started to increase in frequency, seemingly tearing the light, ripping it apart into pieces. Shepard saw the world twist and render and bend and with a _snap_, everything went dark.

The blackness only lasted for an infinitesimally long period of time before his eyes finally opened, accompanied by the rush of cold air pouring into his lungs. With a burst of coughing, Shepard awoke with a start, sitting up abruptly before being forced back down, a terrible headache wrenching through his body.

Shepard groaned, dimly noting that color had flooded the world again, the soft sounds of a craft in FTL along with the rumble of a fish tank joining in with the rush of new, yet familiar stimuli. Breathing hard, he realized that he had just awoken; roused from his mental horror and back in his cabin, in the real world this time. The effects of the sedative finally been shaken and he noted that his armor had been removed before he was deposited back on his bed, someone thinking to keep him comfortable after the ordeal on Thessia. Everything looked the same as when he'd last seen it, no one else in the room with him, much to his relief.

He turned on his side and winced when something dug into him, something hard. Reaching downward, Shepard fished around in his pocket and felt his face fall when his fingers grasped onto something familiar and hard. Bringing the object out, he looked at the orange vial clenched in his hand, the tiny white pills floating around aimlessly inside. At the very sight of it, his head gave a throb, painful bubbles gurgling in his chest, as if his body was giving him a signal, telling him to follow through.

Shepard didn't notice that his hand was starting to shake slightly, causing the hydromorphone to rattle inside. He looked at the vial long and hard, weighing his options. His body seemed to be tensing as it was going to spontaneously combust, the pain was getting fiercer. It would be so simple, just open it and take one. After that, all the pain would vanish.

Raising a thumb and a finger to unscrew the cap, Shepard hovered at the brink, still hesitant. He felt his fingers depress, awaiting his body's command to unscrew the lid. He peered at the tablets inside, wondering if it all would be worth it.

_But…Tali wouldn't want me to._

That was all the reason he ever needed. With a scream, Shepard furiously chucked the vial at the nearest wall, the cap popping open upon impact and spilling tiny beads of hydromorphone across the carpet. Alerted to the disturbance, the cleanup drone in the corner activated and immediately began vaporizing the pills as it hovered over them, further emphasizing his decision. There was no turning back from this.

With one last pulse, the pain faded, leaving him feeling limp and rubbery on the bed. Cold sweat beaded on his forehead, his breathing rough and ragged. Clenching his teeth, he let loose a low chuckle in victory, punching the side of his nightstand to emphasize the point, hearing something clatter from his action immediately thereafter.

Shepard turned to the side to see a thin frame lying on top of the stand next to his chronometer. He squinted in confusion, he hadn't recognized that sitting there before. Slightly apprehensive, he reached out and plucked it from its perch, holding it up to his face. It looked like it was part of a picture frame, but there was nothing in it for him to see. It was simply a blank surface, an empty shell.

He was about to toss the frame away when it suddenly flared white, drawn to his actions. _Not a frame, _Shepard realized. _A screen_. On it, the image looked like someone took a picture of the couch in his cabin, as he could recognize the lower half of his desk in the background. He was still confused as to why someone would be taking a video of this when a person suddenly entered the frame and sat down in front of the camera, previously hidden to him from beyond the lens.

"_Oh my god_," Shepard whispered, clasping a hand to his mouth as Tali filled the screen, her eyes gleaming with anticipation behind her visor. Her hands were strategically placed on her knees and her back was straight. Shepard didn't notice the tears starting to fall down his face at the sight of her, one last image that he didn't know had existed before. Like she wasn't gone, lying at the bottom of some temple.

"_Hello…John_," Tali said nervously, fidgeting at the fringe of her hood. "_I…I bet you have some questions right about now. To be honest, I'm still not sure how I wanted to begin this. I've never been as good with speeches compared to you._" She shuffled in place, suddenly shy.

A singular sob elicited from Shepard's throat, torn by confusion and sadness. On the screen, Tali glanced nervously to the side. "_I guess…I'll start with the…um…obvious things? Damn, that's not the word I meant…_" She shook her head as she started looking at the ground, frustrated with herself at her beginning. "_Forget it. I'll just say that there's a reason why I'm using your room to record this at the moment, but that will be more apparent later. Right now, you're off running battle simulations in the war room before we hit Thessia in four hours so I'll have plenty of time to say…I guess, what I want to say._"

"You recorded a message," Shepard whispered to the screen, barely able to manage to make out his words. "Why?"

"_I would have to say that the reason I'm doing this right now_," Tali continued, answering Shepard's rhetorical query, "_Is because, well, I'm still confused at the moment. Confused as is, I don't know how you would react to what I'm about to say and I'm too afraid to chance it. It's just…you scare me, John_."

"I never wanted to," he moaned, rolling to the side as gravity seemed to take its toll on him. "Please…I'm so sorry, Tali."

"_But maybe it was my fault in the first place. I just want you to know, John, that I've always regretted leaving you when I did. If I had only known how much I meant to you, I would have stayed by your side back on Earth. Keelah, it…I was such an idiot, not being able to see it before. It all makes sense now, you know? Why you lashed out at me and all that. You loved me so much that you considered my departure an act of betrayal. And it was, John. It's all clear to me now that I betrayed you. I…that…I did not intend for that to happen…you have to believe me."_

"I believe you," he mouthed to her, even though she wouldn't see him. "I believe you…"

"_And these past few weeks…I don't know what to make of them. So much has transpired and so fast I can't tell if I'm dreaming or not. But I did learn one thing, something that I am very certain of, but I am not sure that you want to admit it yet. I've watched you the entire time since we've been reunited and I can't come up with any other conclusion for your actions_. _What you said to me on Rannoch, how you refused to sleep with someone else, our conversation after the fact, all of it helped me in learning that the good man I once knew still existed_." She leaned into the camera, eyes transfixing him with their stare. "_You still love me, don't you?_"

Shepard's breath caught in his throat so painfully that the motion of his tiny nod unleashed a painful ball of discomfort, causing him to gasp.

"_You have every right to be upset with me_," she continued, "_Because I did hurt you terribly. I mean, you using painkillers? That wasn't just for general pain, was it? You were trying to block me out with those, weren't you?_"

_I was_, he thought miserably. _But you can't just put all the blame on yourself. You shouldn't have had to die thinking that all of this was your fault. I wronged you too_.

Tali sighed within the frame, caught up in her reminiscence. "_Oh John…I am so sorry for what I did to you. I hope you can understand why I had to tell you this in this manner. It…it all might be too raw for you. If I'm wrong, then you can simply forget about all this and never speak of this again. I, however, cannot forget. I've reached my own resolution, one that I cannot hide from. I would hope that you can find it in yourself to forgive me, as I have forgiven you. I only want to be with you again._"

Vision stained from his tears, Shepard wiped his eyes just to see Tali's hands move toward the clasps on her visor. "_This is the only room on the ship that I've been exposed to_," she explained. "_My reaction should be minor to nonexistent, because I need to tell you this, face to face_."

A pair of clicks followed by a hissing of compressed air sounded, and Tali pulled the covering from her helmet. She did not make a move to remove the rest of it, only letting what needed to be seen in full view of the lens. Slowly blinking her luminous white eyes as the air from Shepard's cabin came in contact with them, he could see her nostrils flare, taking in the scent of the room as she began to get used to the sensation of living life without a mask again.

Drawn to the screen, Shepard saw the grey skinned alien smile across from him. She was exactly like he had remembered. Two black lines rose up from her eyebrows to the top of her skull, obscured by the helmet where he knew that it would be hidden by a forest of wispy, black hair. Tali's nose was small, but her mouth was a perfect size, lips angled in just the right way to make any happy expression she made seem just a tiny bit sad, as if she was regretful for showing her face in the first place. Along her jaw, he could still make out the tiny indentions of raised lines on her flesh that drew down along her neck; implants that integrated with the suit. He had learned much about quarians when she first showed them to him, demonstrating that she was just as much artificial as he was.

He carefully drew two fingers across her face, the damnable screen separating them, unable to provide a means for the two to meet. He could see the faint trickle of a solitary tear run down her face but her voice was calm as she spoke to him. "_I love you, John Shepard. I will never stop loving you_. _I can't, because you mean everything to me and I'm really glad that I met you._"

"I love you too," he breathed, the only words he could say at this point in time.

Tali gave a final smile before quickly putting her mask back on, checking to see if the seals were secure. "_I'll leave this frame here on your stand. I've tailored it to your bio-code so that only you can see this message. You've been the only one who's deserved to see my face, after all. It's just…I don't know. After this mission…maybe we could talk later? No doubt you would have had ample time to view it between now and then. I just…I need to talk to you. I hardly know what to say right now. I can't think of anything else, except maybe later._"

Shepard understood that time was running out from him. "No, no, no," he begged. "Don't talk later, talk now. Please, Tali, talk _now!_"

But she moved to snap the camera off regardless, ignorant of Shepard's pleas. "_I'll see you in a few hours, John. Just please…can I be a part of your life again?_"

Without waiting for an answer, she snapped the lens off, reverting the frame back to black. Shepard was clutching an empty slate, still peering at it, waiting for more. "God, please no…Tali, come back! Talk to me, please! Come back! _Come back!_"

Repeating the phrase until it became unintelligible, Shepard clutched the frame to his chest as everything heaved all at once. Struck by her absence and the full knowledge that she had understood in the end was too much for him.

The sound of bawling overpowered everything else in the room.

* * *

><p>The quiet was nice, it offered respite from the noise and the pain. It took on a tangible feeling, becoming something quantifiable; a still void to escape away in.<p>

As far as she knew, she only existed, standing in a featureless hallway that was completely devoid of any recognizable qualities for her to comprehend. The way behind her was dark but the path ahead was dimly lit. That was where she headed, striding forward purposefully, staring straight ahead.

"_My child_," a voice said from thin air, causing her to look around in alarm.

Within moments, her perception shifted and soon she found herself in the middle of a three-way intersection, no indication on where to go from here. She looked down the pathways, determining which one to take, where she would end up. Standing in the middle of this blank expanse, she was the only singularity that she could herself discern, unable to pierce the veil beyond.

But gradually, she could see two figures approach from either side, swirling with dark matter from beyond. They stepped forward, their shadowy borders converging rapidly once they had cleared the threshold. They were still too far away for her to make out properly, but she recognized one of them by the angry shatter mark on his helmet, the feeling welling up rage deep inside her.

She looked behind her to view the other figure, but had a hard time placing who it was. This form was thinner, slender than the other, was wearing a suit marked by accents of forest green, hands clasped together proudly, obviously a female. The female and the male began closing in on her, feet stepping in time with the other like a march, an orderly walk.

"_I am so sorry_," the red-suited male said, seemingly oblivious of the fact that his suit was damaged. She of course, knew how he had gotten that. She had put it there, after all. "_Please forgive me, child_."

_I will not_, she thought, backing away slowly. _Never for you._

"_Please_," the female now spoke, her voice unfamiliar to her. The green form raised her arms out, hands tilted upward, asking for permission. "_Will you not come to us, my daughter?_"

_D-D-Daughter?_

She gaped at the pair, horrified, unwilling to believe it true. _How is this possible?_ She screamed but no sound came from her mouth. _What are you?_

"_I want to see you_," the female beckoned, waving her arms hurriedly, ignoring the supplied questions. "_I want to see my daughter all grown up. I want to be there for her._"

Paralyzed by dismay, she let the green-suited female walk up to her, hand still outstretched. Without fully realizing what she was doing, she lifted her hand and made to touch their fingers together, clasp them in a loving bond.

She could only look upon her and whisper, her voice finally choosing to work now, "_Mother?_"

The female nodded once, mere feet away. "_That's right, child. Don't be afraid. No one can hurt you now."_

Hardly daring to believe it true, she felt herself take a singular step forward, driven by curiosity and apprehension until she felt a presence behind her. She dropped her hand, just seconds away from making contact with the female, to look at the male standing just to her side. She glowered at him, not buying his remorseful attitude for a second. She glanced between the pair, putting the two together in her mind, wanting to know what they wanted from her.

The male looked like he was about to speak but the female shushed him in anticipation with a wave of the hand. Reaching out once more, she spoke. "_Child, we're your family. You belong with us_."

Closing her eyes shut tightly for a moment, she opened them back up to see that she was not hallucinating them in front of her, that they truly were corporeal at this time. She wondered what it would be like to touch the female, to see if she was real. Was this where she truly belonged this whole time? Was this the place she was destined to languish?

But wasn't someone else waiting for her right now?

She growled as she took a step back, causing the two forms across from her to jump in surprise. "_What are you doing?_" the male questioned.

"I don't belong with you," she mustered, slowly shaking her head. "My family is dead."

"_You…_" the female sighed, remorseful, "_You would rather leave us here? You don't want to stay with us? We're...you're my daughter. I love you._"

Choking back a gasp, it was an effort for her to take another step backwards. The two figures stayed where they were, locked with disappointment. Steeling herself, she knew what needed to be done. "I'm sorry, mother, but I love _him_ more than I ever loved _you_." Wheeling on a foot, she turned around and bolted back down the hallway, her feet making padded noises on the ground. Ignoring the astonished cries of her name in anguish, she ran through her tears, coming back to where she found herself in the beginning. This time, rather than stop in place, she headed _into_ the blackness itself, looking for refuge from her inner demons.

Within seconds, she could not even see her own hand projected in front of her, but she kept running. It became hard to breathe, as if the darkness carried more gravity here than in the light. Still she ran, disregarding the pounding of her heart, the blood surging through her veins. Her feet felt like they were drenched in adhesive, becoming more and more sluggish as she pressed on. She grunted as she tried to lift a foot but it soon became glued down to whatever constituted for a floor in this place.

Unwilling to let herself be defeated, she let loose a shrill yell before tensing her legs and pushing off with a leap. With a tearing noise, she was free, diving through the air, into the singularity, but she didn't land.

There was no air to rush at her, to flap her hood, to even determine if she was actually falling and not floating. Suddenly, a spark rushed past her a breakneck speed traveling upward. She gasped and followed it with her eyes, trying to track its movement before it quickly disappeared into the inky beyond.

But another quickly passed, then another, and soon hundreds were racing past her, traveling upward as she realized that she _was_ falling, headed towards a tiny speck lightyears away. Encouraged, she reached her arms out to grasp the pinprick, already feeling heat flow through her arms in a loving embrace. She laughed and willed her body to fall faster, the streams of light immediately complying with her unsaid command. Everything started to streak by in long lines, all connecting as one until she was surrounded by the glowing shafts. As they converged, she felt her skin start to burn beneath her enviro-suit. Closing her eyes for good this time, she screamed as the heat rose to a blistering intensity, melting her, vaporizing her, until it left her completely.

There was a brilliant flash of light and then silence.

Seconds later, with a rough intake of air, she felt stale wind rush into her, making her cough. Her body wracked with her splutters, causing her lungs to flare in protest. Cracking her eyes open, she could see a few beams of light stream down from beyond a sea of rubble and rebar. Everything coming into focus, she began to realize that her crumpled body was lying on top of a hard surface, packed debris from a collapse lying only inches away from her visor.

Dust floated in the air, settling on her, caking her vision. It obscured the light, casting random shadows around her from wherever the light was able to make its presence. The drafts swirled the dust, making spirals in the air as the outside beckoned. Pain now started to rise as she watched the dust, not a burn, but a dull ache. A _real_ feeling this time, not imaginary.

Groaning as a few concrete bricks slid off of her, Tali shook violently as she came back to reality, looking upward through the remnants of the Temple of Athame. Everything hurt, but it did not compare to the relief flooding her at the moment, her own natural endorphin. Through her cracked lips, a solitary word escaped from it, begging to be released from being held in so long.

"_John_."

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: Responses to the last chapter were even better than I could have anticipated. I guess this story has more legs than I originally envisioned. Maybe I should be more brutal with my stories in the future, given this kind of reaction.**_

_**But for now: what goes down must come up. Heh, heh.**_


	11. Chapter 11: Ascension

Thessia

It seemed like even breathing would kill her.

Tali groaned as she grasped at the loose stone fragments in front of her, dragging her forward inch by inch, looking for a space in the rubble where she could be provided a little more room to maneuver. The back of her helmet scraped against the concrete blocks held in place by rebar, shredding the fabric of her hood as she continued along. Far above, layers upon layers of stone and metal blocked her view of the world above, even though she could see tiny hints of sunlight, occasionally blocked by a ship passing by. She wriggled through the crawlspace, pushing down panic as her claustrophobia came to a climax, trapped in this infernal prison.

She had no idea how long she had been unconscious when she first woke up. It could have been days and she wouldn't have felt any different, but a quick glance at her chronometer told her that fourteen hours had passed in total from what she could recollect. Apparently the sun had set during the time she was knocked out and it was morning now on Thessia, a new day.

Her stomach rumbled, reminding her that it had been a while since she had eaten last but she had to ignore it. There was no food to be had here and there were more pressing concerns at the moment.

A few minutes passed of Tali doing nothing but crawling until she was able to raise her head up a few feet. Turning around, she backed herself up until she was reclining on a smooth piece of metal, most likely the remnant of a pew, and sighed as her battered body got a chance to relax, despite the slew of memories infringing on her mind right now, threatening to intrude.

When she had felt her hand slip from Shepard's, all she could do was look up into his eyes, seeing the horror and panic embedded there, watching his mouth open listlessly as the outcome he had wanted to avoid had transpired in front of him. As she fell, Tali could not even consider screaming, for he had told her, at the last second, what she had wanted to hear for months. In that one moment, she knew that everything would be fine, even when she was potentially falling to her doom, every fiber in her body singing.

"_I love you_."

Two seconds had passed after that. Enough time for her to be shrouded by the darkness but not long enough for her to hit the bottom. Yet she had felt her side impact on a hard object anyway, angled at such a steep slope that she began sliding helplessly down it. It was only afterward that Tali had realized that she had fallen onto a dislodged prothean data bank, evidence that the long-dead civilization still was looking out for the next cycle well in advance.

Her downward slide was not a smooth trip by any means. Piles of rubble had gathered to the side and Tali felt like she had bounced off every single one. One particular chunk was angled inward and Tali had slammed her side directly into it, dislodging her breath painfully. Before she had the chance to cry out horribly, her head had careened directly into the path of a rolling rock, causing her to black out in an instant.

That spot was where Tali now felt first as she had some room to stretch her limbs, tracing the indention on the side of her helmet. She could feel the metal press up against her skull, creating a dull ache from the spot. It was probably safe to assume that she had received a concussion from the impact, judging by how dizzy she felt and that her ears were ringing as if a gun had fired right next to her head. Her sinuses felt stuffy and her head felt like helium was trapped underneath her skull, trying to break out between the cracks.

There was nothing she could do about her concussion at the moment, there was no place to accurately treat and diagnose her condition here. What worried her more was the large series of cracks in the lower left corner of her visor, however. Tali was extremely thankful that it had not shattered when she had fallen, and her suit reported that there were no breaches in that vicinity, preventing her from perishing from a foreign contaminant. She counted herself very lucky.

On the other hand, the rest of her suit had been gouged heavily from her sliding over every rough object in this temple. It looked like Tali had gotten a bad case of road rash, that itself not far from the truth. The suit could withstand heavy friction up to a certain point, but any fabric that had been wrapped around her body for cosmetic flair had been completely sheared away, the shredded remains of her hood the only thing still clinging onto her suit.

What her visor's readout did indicate though, that two separate breaches had registered on her enviro-suit near her right shoulder blade, resulting in a contaminant risk for her. Before panic could set in, she saw that the suit reported that the emergency failsafe, the omni-foam layer, had activated milliseconds after the initial exposure, sealing off the holes in her suit. Much to her relief, this would denote that she would most likely not get frightfully sick from this, either suffering a slight cold or perhaps not even registering a reaction at all. Fate would not be cruel to her today, choosing to not let her expire from a cough after she survived a four story slide through a crumbling building. Despite this, Tali was not keen on hoping for the best on this matter, in any case, as a best scenario certainly did not qualify for someone in her situation. She was not safe yet.

Her ankle was throbbing angrily, a biting discomfort when she gingerly prodded it. Testing it further, she raised her foot and gently began to push against an immovable block in this maze of debris, testing her threshold to analyze the damage. Her ankle screamed in protest, but only after she had applied a good amount of force. A sprained ankle was better than the alternative, she conceded after biting back the tears forming around her eyes from the pain, but it would be debilitating nonetheless.

Her suit had an onboard diagnostic capable of treating limited injuries, her ankle being something that it could temporary alleviate. Indicating via her omni-tool that she had a sprain to her suit, she felt her left boot abruptly stiffen in response, air packs embedded in the foot inflating and compressing the wounded limb. This would take the worst of the edge off, but she still had to be very careful, lest she completely break the bone. It was a start, but unless she got herself to a med-bay fast, she would be severely limited in the mobility department until then.

Tali could taste blood in her mouth and the area near her nose felt caked with something, an annoying feeling. She surmised that the severity of the impact had caused her to receive a nosebleed, which explained why the interior of her visor was now splattered with blood. At least, she hoped it was from a nosebleed and not a punctured lung which would have resulted in her coughing up blood until she died.

That extreme case was not exactly a far cry from the truth at the moment. The side where Tali had hit the rubble flared with each breath she took. Grunting in pain, she clasped her hands over the spot, trying to determine where it was coming from.

_Lower left hand corner…a rib? But is it cracked or broken?_

In this case, she had to be extra careful. If she had broken a rib, then it could be offset and any excess maneuvering _could_ cause her to puncture a lung. She could still die here today. Regardless, she moved back to her medical diagnostics and activated the medi-gel program. Special injectors embedded in the suit would apply a direct dose to her rib, jump starting her body's natural healing cycle. This would give her a little more maneuverability and could mend a bone in a matter of days. But Tali knew that she couldn't afford to stay here for days. She needed to get out _now_.

As the procedure started, Tali made a tiny _agh!_ as a microinjector punctured her skin on top of her rib. Her hands grasped at the pebbles that had collected around her, several of them slipping from her grip as the medi-gel pumped into her cavity, setting the bone. Her side still hurt, but at least she could breathe a little easier.

There was barely enough room for her to stand, but she couldn't bear to sit on the ground for one more second. Favoring her right leg, she made a pained noise as her stiff back stretched and her ankle sent forth a quick stab. Just to her left, there looked to be a small hole through the wreckage, the only place she could go at the moment sans backwards. Clutching her side despite the reduction of pain from her rib, she took shallow breaths as she gently placed a foot on top of a jagged boulder and began to climb through.

Thirty minutes passed in total silence, apart from the slight cracking of concrete as it crumbled beneath enormous pressure. Tali took care not to brush up against anything too hard lest it could bring what remained of the Temple of Athame down on her head. She could feel her lungs expand against her body before she forcibly restricted them, careful not to strain herself all that much.

A tangled maze of rebar blocked her way, making Tali have to awkwardly squeeze through the tiny hole that it allowed, pushing herself through the twisted metal. Midway through her compression, she jerked and the side of her body pressed against a metal pole and her whole body lit up like she had been set ablaze. Tali could not stop the scream from coursing through her, everything else going limp as she sunk to her knees, coughing in response to the unbearable pain, almost to the point of retching.

_It's no use_, she lamented as she shook amongst the broken ruins. _I can't do this. I'm going to die here. It's all been pointless. I'm just going to die._

Tilting her head downward, she felt herself about to cry, finally at the point of giving up, when a bright beam fell upon her. Looking up at a forty-five degree angle, she squinted (her visor automatically darkening to prevent damage to her eyes) and viewed Thessia's sun glowing from above, at a spot perfectly through a hole that led directly to her spot.

Tali was transfixed. She couldn't be more than four hundred meters away from freedom. It would take a long time to extricate herself, but from what she could see, it was definitely possible. The answer lay right in front of her.

_No_, she decided, getting back on her feet very carefully. _I will not die here. You told me that you loved me. You didn't want me to die then, I will not die now. I will come back to you, John, and I will not give up._

Slowly gathering her courage as she approached the next waist-high slab, Tali looked again at the perfect yellow orb before it had a chance to disappear out of sight. She thanked her ancestors that her climb would not be a vertical slog as she would have been in no shape to attempt such a feat. But it didn't mean that the challenge in front of her would be easy, either.

Biting back a groan of exasperation, Tali grasped the rock and hauled herself up, throwing her legs over carefully as she started to ascend once more.

* * *

><p><span>Normandy<span>

Shepard felt like he had aged ten years as the doors finally opened to the CIC. His eyes were red and puffy, his legs felt like jelly, and he could not stop seeing her smiling image wherever he went. He sighed, dejected, as he walked over to the war room, shuffling straight through the scanner despite the flustered objections of the privates manning the station.

Questioning to himself why they even had a scanner located in that place as it only served to delay him, Shepard was not mentally prepared as he approached the circular room to find his whole team clustered around the holographic projector in the center. As quick as someone turning off the lights, everyone shushed as they saw Shepard standing in the doorway, hands limply by his side as he could only stare, numb to any form of interaction.

Timidly, Liara tore herself away from the group and approached him. "Shepard," she mumbled, sounding a bit choked up. "_Please…please_ forgive me. I…we had to get you out of there, but…oh, _goddess_. I know how much Tali meant to you and I will understand if you can't forgive me…"

"What's done is done," he responded bitterly, moving away when Liara's hands rose in his direction, perhaps a physical request for forgiveness in lieu of his verbal acknowledgement. Or maybe Shepard thought that Liara would try to sedate him again for whatever reason. The asari slid away, downtrodden, as Shepard eyed the rest of the crew. Kaidan was unwilling to meet his eyes and James made brief eye contact before finding the floor less judgmental.

Garrus, he noted, had never looked more defeated than before. Seated on the bench, hands clasped in front of him, Shepard saw his eyepiece was still missing, allowing his blue eyes to scorch a hole through the deck. He knew that Tali and Garrus were close friends, perhaps closer than he had been for a long time. The turian was taking the quarian's death very badly, it seemed. He didn't even move a muscle or open his mouth to talk, just finding solace in a forgiving company. Peering hard, Shepard could see that Garrus' eyes were slightly watering, drawing out Tali's loss until he could come to accept the fact that she was gone for good.

Shepard's tears, on the other hand, had all been shed. The spill of emotions he had experienced up in his cabin had driven him completely dry. That vid, that one simple vid, had shattered him good and proper. He could only think of the memories the two had shared together, the initial flirting, the awkward beginning, the comfort of their love, it was all too much for him to handle at the moment, rendering him helpless and frail. Shepard still felt raw inside, but he couldn't mourn her forever. She would have wanted him to move on and he would respect her wish, no matter how much it tore him up inside.

"So…" he attempted lamely, waving towards the projector, where a mini-map of the galaxy was currently displayed. "Why's everyone gathered here? Have you found…?" _Tali? _He rather would have asked._ Have you found Tali?_ "…Cerberus? Did you find out where they were going?"

The silence that passed for a moment was brief but so thick that it could be cut with a knife. Liara and Kaidan looked at each other, too timid to inquire further about how Shepard was doing. From the look he was casting at the moment, he appeared liable to bite the head off the next person who asked him the wrong question. They decided to let sleeping dogs lie. "Well," Liara began, rubbing at her scalp, "We found _something_, but…I can't really explain how."

Shepard arched an eyebrow. "Either you found something or you didn't, Liara. Which one is it?"

Gesturing to the map, the asari sputtered. "It's just…I don't know how…" Clearing her throat, she composed herself. "What I mean is, the Normandy has been receiving a ping from an unknown source for the last fourteen hours and we just discovered its existence within the last hour. We just happened to notice it but hadn't gotten any further until you…walked in."

Shepard walked up to the map, finding that a tiny dot was pulsating within one of the Milky Way's arms, a tiny glimmer amongst trillions of systems. "Why is this ping significant? Is it some sort of distress call?"

"No, it's…well…I have no idea what it is. All we know is that it's been communicating with us from lightyears away, which means it has to be using some quantum entanglement technology. We just keep getting a signal from this source, allowing us to pinpoint its location accurately."

He frowned, eyeing the glowing dot. "Did you run a time lapse to see if the source had changed position within that time?"

"Um…no."

"Then do it."

Liara swiftly typed a set of commands into the interface, quickly bringing up a dashed yellow line that charted the course of the dot over the last fourteen hours. To everyone's surprise but Shepard's, the path did not denote a static course, but a dynamic one, moving between systems at a fast pace.

"It was coming from a ship," Liara mused. "Based on the rate and the location, it was obviously on a direct route to somewhere in the…" She zoomed in on the source for a second. "…in the Horsehead Nebula."

"And the source?"

Liara looked at him once, eyes still sorrowful before she took the cursor and transported their field of view to the other side of the route. Once there, her fingers hovered over the keyboard, expression astonished as she voiced what Shepard could plainly see right in front of him. "_Thessia_."

The shining blue planet was now displayed for all to see, causing everyone in the room to stare at it, rapt with interest. But Shepard was not done yet. Licking his lips, he said very softly to Liara. "Zoom in."

"On…on where?" she asked, confused.

"On where the line starts on the planet," he pointed to where the yellow path jutted out from the sphere. "Where did it begin?"

Quickly, Liara calmed her nerves as she pointed and clicked, the entire world rushing to meet them as further clarification was requested. From what Shepard could gather, the origin looked to have commenced in the middle of the capital city, judging by the completely metal ground that surrounded the water's edge. But he peered harder, searching for more clues, another piece of the puzzle to fit in, when Garrus suddenly stood and walked forward, voice astonished as he came to the same answer just as Shepard did.

"That building, there?" Garrus indicated, right where the yellow began. "That…that's the Temple of Athame."

"The...temple?" Liara gasped. "But who…how…?"

Shepard was searching for the same answers, running through all the possible scenarios in his head. He didn't need to voice the fact that the ping had obviously come from a Cerberus shuttle, seeing as that was the only ship to leave besides their own from that area at that point in time. The real question was, how were they suddenly able to track it? What exactly had occurred to make this a development?

Who was responsible?

Recalling to the best of his ability, he remembered the stink of ozone in the air as thermal clips discharged from guns. He could hear the soft swipes of a sword nearby, the clanging of exos in the background. He remembered shouting at Tali to back away from Leng, with her steadfastly ignoring him as she rushed to meet his challenge.

That was curious to him. Why had she not backed away? By all rights, she was vastly outmatched by the acrobatic human, but Tali was determined to hold her own against him, but for what purpose? He could see her leap and dodge in his mind's eye, blocking blow after blow with her rifle. She had rolled out of the way, stood her ground from a vicious cut, stretched out her hand, swiping along Leng's cloak.

…her hand swiped his cloak.

Shepard's jaw dropped as his breath leaked out of him. He continued to stare at the map for a minute while everyone else mused around him. A sad smile crossing his features, he whispered, hoping that she could listen, wherever she was. "You brave, beautiful, _wonderful_ woman. You really _did_ leave nothing to chance."

* * *

><p><span>Thessia<span>

Tali's bad foot slipped on the gravel that dusted her foothold at the moment, but she quickly grasped a bent metal piece to stop herself from tumbling back down to where she started. As she felt the piece of scrap shift slightly, she quickly halted her breathing, alarmed, as she carefully wrenched herself back into position, adrenaline spiking as she fought hard not to look back down. She clutched at her sprain, groaning from the abuse, waiting until the pain subsided enough for her to continue.

Two hours of arduous climbing and Tali still did not feel that she was getting any closer. Sweat stung her eyes, her breaths came out in feeble croaks, and her body seemed to be spiking from a heat that she could not tell if it was brought on from an infection or fatigue.

The pain in her ankle and side had lessened dramatically at this point, except when the areas in question were forcefully stimulated by her clumsiness. They resided in her, a persistent ache, limiting her range of movement, reminding her that she was broken, just a shell of a woman trying to escape a fate that should have been sealed hours ago. She was her own specter now, floating amongst the ruins, finding purpose from her descent.

Tali could see blue sky above her, and now the faint wrenching sounds of a Reaper roar were now audible to her. She should have been afraid of the noise, but she had been lacking interaction for an unreasonably long period of time, that she felt more determined now than ever. Knowing that the monsters who laid waste to the planet above her meant that there was still a war on and that it was too dismal to be a dream.

_Just a few more hours_, she told herself. _Don't you dare stop right now, solder. You need to make it out._

Her own personal cheerleader giving her the motivation she needed, Tali found a hidden well of energy buried deep inside her, and continued to clamber over the wreckage blocking her way. She thrust her arms out towards a pair of metal poles and heaved herself upwards, trying to reach that ever persistent light.

She stopped for a few seconds to catch her breath, eyes dilated behind her visor, she looked upwards once more until something to her left caught her attention. Almost cursing out loud, she was able to peer through the tangle of rock and metal to see someone else staring at her from afar, watching her every move.

"Why do you persist, Tali?" Rael called, walking through the maze as nimbly like he was made entirely of air. "What would be the use of returning to him? You have no means of locating him, not in your condition."

Tali quickly looked away, back up at the clear sky, towards the clouds puffing overhead. She willed herself not to increase her breathing, not to let herself become infected from her father's words.

_He's not real. Just ignore him, Tali. Ignore him, ignore him, ignore him…_

Pushing off with her feet, she clambered at a quicker pace, hearing his voice echo into the cavernous depths. Tali did not look behind her, only her objective in sight until her nightmare resumed where it had left off. All of her pain started to slowly fade into the background to join her father, disregarded and abandoned as she steeled herself with nothing but her goal in sight.

"You are my _daughter_," Rael growled as he sat on a dusty ledge a few meters ahead of her. Tali pushed past him, firmly concentrated on the ground to make sure that she wouldn't make another misstep. Rael continued to persist, however. "You are my child and I warn you that going back to that human will only make things worse. Do not set off after him, Tali. I forbid it!"

_Focus. Focus on John. Think about him._

Disengaging herself from Rael's shouts and from the burning fatigue in her legs as they propelled her up one step at a time, she calmed her mind and dived deep into it, searching the pool for the memory that would help carry her out of here.

Tali continued to think of John, only of John as she climbed. Rael was behind her now, pursuing a fool's errand of trying to dissuade her from her newly found desire, but that battle had been lost long ago. Tali remembered John saving her in the Wards, how he bravely intervened against agents of the rogue Spectre Saren as they tried to kill her for the data she acquired. She remembered the destabilizing horror that had coursed through her veins when she saw the Normandy explode from the safety of an escape pod, only for her to be wracked with happiness at the sight of him alive two years later, as though nothing had changed.

Tali remembered the way his face had lit up in delight as he pulled her visor off, seeing her face for the first time. Watching his lips curve upward, in that instant she knew that he loved her. Visualizing what came next, the passionate kiss, the naked embrace, the rising heat, tensed her body through her reminiscence, clenching her teeth and drawing forth a flame, fanned by wind and grown from mere embers. Blazing in full force, the inferno raged within as the last few meters of the hole came into sight.

* * *

><p><span>Normandy<span>

"A tracker?" Liara asked, confused.

"Yes," Shepard replied, suddenly breathless as he gestured at the holomap. "There's no other explanation for it. Tali managed to place a tracker on Leng during the fight on Thessia and in doing so, gave us the location of where we should go next."

"But…are you sure? I mean, it could be something else entirely. A bad signal from a freighter, perhaps, or…"

"Liara," Shepard interrupted. "Unless you can provide a better explanation for why we have been receiving a rogue communication on the quantum entanglement band for no reason, I'd like to hear it. Otherwise, I'm placing all my stock into betting that the Horsehead Nebula is shrouding the location of a Cerberus base. Leng stole that prothean VI and I want it back." Tapping a control on his omni-tool, Shepard connected himself to the cockpit. "Joker? Change of plans. Make an immediate course change for the Horsehead Nebula on the double!"

"_But Shepard,_" the pilot stammered, "_We're still en route for the nearest safe zone where we can contact the Citadel-_"

"Screw the Citadel! Take us out of FTL right now and turn this bucket around! By the time I get up to your station, we better be headed for the nearest relay otherwise I'm going to have to delegate full control of the ship to EDI and have _her_ carry out my order. Do I make myself clear?"

"_Aye aye, sir_," Joker sighed. "_ETA nine hours_."

_Four hours lost in total_, Shepard thought to himself. _I should have paid more attention instead of moping in my cabin for that long. You gave me a gift, Tali. I promise you that I will not waste it. Maybe then I can set my conscience further at ease._

Pointing at James, Shepard fixed him with a stare. "Tell Cortez to have the Kodiak prepped for launch. I'll be down there shortly to oversee the preparations myself."

"Yes, commander," the marine nodded.

"Shepard, wait," Garrus stepped forward just as he was about to turn around. "Who do you want to join you on this mission?"

Shepard shook his head, making sure to look over each and every person in the room. "No one. I'll go it alone from here."

Murmurs of "_Huh?_" and "_What?_" peppered the air, a confusion wafting like a fog overhead, saturating the place. Liara looked dumbstruck as she blinked in surprise. "Shepard, you _can't_ just go into a Cerberus base by yourself! You need help on this one! Please, let me go wi-"

"I am fully aware of the potential danger that may lie in wait. My order still stands, T'Soni. I'm not going to have anyone else get hurt on my behalf. This is my fight, not yours."

"Shepard," Garrus growled. "With all due respect, that's crap. You are going to get killed in there if you don't have backup. I request permission to join the assault."

"Denied," he said flatly. "I will not say it again. _No one_ is accompanying me. No one _will_ accompany me. If you follow me, I will discharge you. If you stow away, I will discharge you. And if you try to stop me, I _will_ hurt you. Am I understood?"

_They can't stop me from killing every last one, Tali. They cannot possibly understand. I have to do this myself._

Everyone seemed to lose their strength at that. Liara looked very embarrassed and hurt, Kaidan appeared like he wanted to vanish, and James was concentrating on his fingernails at the moment to distract him.

The only one not backing down at the moment was Garrus. The turian glowered at him, eyes narrowed in full view without an eyepiece obscuring one of them. Shepard could see the turian's fringe twitching in anger, knowing full well that Shepard was letting his personal feelings get in the way this time. Shepard knew that his revenge was driving him to do this, but he had to quell it here, or he would be consumed by another demonic presence that would be a lot harder to remove.

Garrus' teeth were slightly barred. Shepard knew he might possibly be considering tackling him in full view of the rest of the crew, his earlier victory making him overconfident. The turian wanted vengeance as well, but Shepard was robbing him of that chance, his only chance for him to ease his own tumultuous mind.

_Tough shit, Vakarian. I haven't forgotten that you pried me away from going after Tali back there. If you hadn't interfered, she might still be alive or I could have been dead alongside her. You're not going to get the chance to deny me anything this time._

Breaking eye contact first, Shepard held back his sigh until he was safely out of earshot. Back in the elevator, he punched the floor to the shuttle bay, noting that the growing fingers of a headache were starting to spread.

He craved a drink but now was not the time for it. Not yet at least.

* * *

><p><span>Thessia<span>

With a final pull and the last hateful scream of Rael departing behind her, Tali burst out into the open air, covered head to toe with dust and flopped onto the hard metal of the temple's still standing lower structure. She felt her rib strain as she hit the ground less than ceremoniously but her relief overpowered her pain, now that she was trapped no longer with a prison of iron and stone surrounding her on all sides.

Tears ran down her face as the hot sun baked her. Lying on her side, she was among the boulders for a while, unable to do anything but sob, overcome with emotion that she had lived to see the day through. If she had died at this moment, she would have almost been at peace.

Almost.

_Oh, John…I made it. I can see you now. Everything…can be as it once was._

Tali rolled over on her back, spotting the tiny opening from the landslide that covered the entrance to the temple, her escape from the depths. Splaying her arms out to the sides, she frantically beat on the ground in victory, too choked up to form proper words but her exuberance and joy clearly denoted her happiness at the moment.

Sighing out loud, letting her tears dry, she finally relished the opportunity to take comfort right now, despite the current situation being less than ideal for pure relaxation. Tali did not care in the slightest; she had gone through too much to even be snobbish about-

_CLANG_

The noise sounded close, too close for comfort, causing Tali to jolt upright and scurry back to the mountain of rocks and metal in fright. Furiously, she scanned the skyline, but could not find the towering forms of any Reapers mingling with the skyscrapers among the capital. Calming down slightly, she realized that the sound had been closer and less thunderous than what a Reaper would usually make. A slight slope of rubble shielded her body on her left, so Tali rose to her feet and peered out over it while taking advantage of the natural cover it provided.

Three forms draped in white combat armor were huddled over a makeshift tunnel carved out of the landslide headed back into the temple. Pieces of a disassembled exo lay scattered around where the entrance to their own hole, strewn aimlessly about, no system in place.

_Cerberus_, she realized, slowly crouching back down but keeping an eye on them nonetheless. _What are they still doing here?_

Turning her head to the right, Tali saw that a Kodiak was parked on the landing pad less than a hundred meters away, looking outward at the bay. Their obvious mode of transport, considering that the Kodiak could traverse both FTL and the relay network, allowing a small squad to be deposited practically anywhere in the galaxy.

_That's it_, Tali smiled. _That's my way off this crazy planet._

But to her horror, one of the soldiers broke off from the other two and started to head in her direction. Frantically, she crouched back down and tried to back into a small hiding place, not knowing if she had been spotted or not. Shockingly close, Tali could hear the voices of the troopers waft over the small hill to her ears, frightening her with their proximity.

"Davidson! Where the hell are you headed off to?"

"The battery pack for my laser drill just got drained," the one walking toward her called back. "Left my spare over here somewhere."

"Well, find it quickly! No telling when the Reapers return and we need to retrieve the rest of the exo memory banks _before_ that happens!"

Unfortunately, Tali saw the heavy black box perched on top of a metal curve directly in front of her. If the trooper were to retrieve it, he would have a clean view of her hiding spot and she would undoubtedly killed, seeing as quarians were automatically enemies to the human-centric organization. Quietly rushing forward, she grasped the spare pack, stalling for a bit on what she wanted to do with it before an idea came to her head. Tiptoeing back to her original spot, she carefully placed the battery out on the floor next to her spot, but out in the open so that she wouldn't be immediately visible.

"Not my fault if that happens," the trooper's grumble came as if he was standing right next to her. "Why the Illusive Man didn't install remote data servers for these fucking exoskeletons was the worst decision ever. Then I wouldn't have to run cleanup crew, go to the front lines, kiss my sergeant's a-"

With no time to lose, she wedged herself back in just as the soldier rounded the corner, biting back a gasp to minimize any sound from her. He immediately spied the battery sitting on the floor in front of him, clomping over to retrieve it, relieved from having to play an extended game of hide and seek with his possessions.

"_There_ you are, you sumbitch-"

Tali soundlessly burst from her hiding spot, jumping from atop the hill to land on the trooper, sending both crashing to the floor. The armor made a clattering sound as the man fell and Tali grunted as every injury she had accumulated on her body shouted at her in annoyance. The human opened his mouth to cry out but Tali quickly grabbed the top of his head and forced it back. Her boot knife in hand, she ran the blade over the man's throat, slicing through his jugular and spraying blood all over her forearms.

The man only produced a gurgle as he died, all of the wind escaping through the clean cut in his throat. The opening gushed red liquid, forming a puddle around the man's head as Tali quickly rolled away from the body. It was possible that he still was unaware that the end was near, as he did not have enough time to perceive his attacker before the end came to him.

It had been a good kill, she noted as she glanced at her blood-stained knife. The first time she had sliced someone's throat, she did not anticipate how much strength she needed to utilize in order to properly kill someone with that method. She remembered that she had only broken the skin about an inch or so, her target still alive and about to throw her off until Shepard had intervened and put a bullet in the side of the man's head. She could never forget Shepard's face when he pushed the decapitated batarian off her, anxious and worried for her safety. It was then that she had realized that she had no idea what it took to kill a man with a knife, hopelessly green in a galaxy filled with violence. Shepard, being a quick study, began teaching her the basics as soon as they got back to the Normandy, secretly keeping a watchful eye out for her well-being.

"_Ideally, you want to force your target's head forward_," she recalled him demonstrating in his cabin, seated with a kitchen knife in front of him to demonstrate, as she was rapt with attention, "_That way the tendons are easier to cut when they aren't tensed. However, if you find that to be too difficult and you are unable to access the neck that way, the force his head all the way back. However, you have to be prepared to use all of your strength as the arteries will be well hidden from all of the muscle that you have now tensed. It isn't as simple as it sounds; you need to use all of your strength. Remember, it isn't supposed to be easy, it's supposed to kill._"

Tali compared that botched initial encounter to the half-decapitated man lying before her. Silent, clean, and quick. Shepard would have been so proud of her.

She grabbed the man's fallen pistol, hooking it to her belt, and peered out over the side again. The dead man's cohorts were oblivious to his plight as one had scurried back into the tunnels to accomplish whatever work they still had to do while the other remained outside, but all of his attention was spent yelling at his partner while peering down the hole after him.

Waiting a few seconds to determine that none of them would look behind them anytime soon, Tali quickly broke off at a jog, slightly limping, over to the Kodiak. In the fifteen seconds that she broke from cover, Tali had never felt so exposed in a while, almost as if she was naked, extremely conscious of anyone seeing her at this time.

The shuttle was still idling which meant that a pilot was still inside, or the Cerberus troopers were being incredibly wasteful with regards to their power source. Stepping inside, she could see the faint outline of a helmet sitting up front, which confirmed her more plausible theory. If the pilot had looked behind him at this time from fiddling with his control console to see a bloodied, dusty quarian brandishing a knife, he probably would have passed out in fear. It would have made the next series of events less surprising, at least.

In two steps, Tali entered the cramped cockpit and slammed the pilot's head down through the holographic interface. She lifted her knife up high but did not bring it to the front of the man's throat. Rather, she slammed it down up to the hilt where the neck met the back, feeling the blade catch for a second before moving forward, severing the spinal cord with a _pop_. The pilot slumped on his console, blood welling around the knife sticking out of the back of his neck as Tali panted above from the exertion, Shepard's lesson still ringing true in her head.

"_The ideal situation to use a knife is when you are in a stealthy situation. You see and hear the media glamorizing the use of slitting throats to kill someone quietly and quickly. It is very hard, even for a professional to accomplish both, but the knife can be used in such a way that is much easier for the wielder, and less messy, that the vids never show. For all humanoids, a blow to the back of the neck, directly on the spinal cord, causes instant death or complete paralysis, resulting in a guaranteed neutralization. Stabbing someone in that manner is a hell of a lot easier than trying to slice through sinew and muscle. Better to have all your energy concentrated on a fine point than along the entire edge of a knife. Regardless of the outcome, wounds to that general area don't bleed a whole lot, so it's a relatively simple affair to clean up afterward if you want to cover your tracks. If you have a situation that allows such a kill, take it. Leave the throat slitting to the vids."_

"After all this time," Tali murmured quietly, hefting the body towards the edge of the shuttle door, "I still take your words to heart." With a ferocious kick, the dead pilot was propelled out of the shuttle to collapse on the hard metal platform, only a few bloody streaks originating from his neck; the only evidence that something was horribly wrong.

Lowering herself into the cramped seat, Tali took a minute to familiarize herself with the controls before touching a button and letting the craft hover back into the air. Holding down a key, she rotated the Kodiak one hundred eighty degrees, aiming it back toward the temple, the main guns now warming up.

Through her virtual viewfinder, she could see, with some satisfaction that the remaining two troopers were peering curiously at their ride hovering in place. Having no reason to suspect any danger, she could see one of them speak into their comm, most likely an attempt to raise the pilot who was now starting to rot just a few feet below where the Kodiak was situated.

Not content with dragging this out any longer, Tali pushed the button for the cannons and twin gouts of flame boomed from the guns. The soldiers disappeared in a cloud of blood and meat as the heavy rounds tore through their bodies, leaving shredded remains to dry upon the ground.

Tali gave a low chuckle before orientating the craft and blasting off to pass the stratosphere, back into the familiar territory of space itself. It may have been a step in the right direction, but it only presented a new conundrum for her to mull over, now that her previous problem set had all been accomplished.

Frustrated, she tapped her fingers on her cracked visor in thought, letting the Kodiak settle into FTL towards the nearest relay which would give her some time to consider her options. Activating her tracking program, she opened up her own mini-map of the galaxy, with one dot standing out amongst all of the other placeholders that she had previously indicated from her travels.

The pulsating oscillation from her quantum tracker was still performing admirably, much to her relief. The technology had been available in the armory and she, with EDI's help, had been successful in programming a batch to specifically communicate with the Normandy's frequency in the event that one should go off. The gamble of going toe-to-toe with a combatant like Kai Leng was a risky maneuver to be sure, but he did not seem to have suspected anything as she held out her hand as he had whirled by, the micro-device quickly latching onto the fabric of the terrorist's tactical cloak from her outstretched hand.

It was only now that Tali realized that she should have left a tracker back on the Normandy as a contingency for her to locate the ship in case she had been separated. But it certainly would have made her decision a lot more difficult if she hadn't.

Unable to tear her eyes away from the orb situated in the arm of her galaxy, Tali slowly punched in the coordinates on the Kodiak's autopilot for the Horsehead Nebula, knowing full well that this was her only option.

_If I can't go to the Normandy, I'll make the Normandy come to me. John has to discover what I've done and he will have no choice but to go to wherever Cerberus is hiding next to get back that prothean VI. He will not pass up an opportunity like that, if I know the man._

She stood up from the cockpit and walked into the holding area, eyeing the solitary object that was hanging from the harness in the corner, occupying a good portion of the craft. Apprehensive at first, she then held out a hand to touch it, feeling scared and assured at the same time.

"If I get there first," she murmured out loud, "I won't just stand around and wait for the cavalry to arrive. If it falls to me to get the job done, I will do it all by myself!" _And I now have the means of accomplishing that_, she thought with anticipation, a slow smile crossing her face. She patted the large object adorning the space with her before glancing back towards the trip computer. It read that it would only take five hours until she reached her destination. Plenty of time for her to get acquainted with what she had at her disposal.

"It is the duty of a pilgrim to bring a gift to their captain when choosing a ship to serve on," she announced loudly to herself. "I will make sure to give _you_ that gift, John. I still need a ship to call home."

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: Am I still an evil man now? Or am I still mercilessly teasing you guys by dangling the prospect of an ideal ending over your heads? (Hopefully I qualify for both. Heh, heh.)**_

_**I'm hoping to get the next chapter done before I go traveling over the break on Wednesday, which gives me four days of writing until then. Ample time, if I don't goof off. However, that probably means that the chapter after that will be delayed about a week. But...I'm sure you can handle a few extra days without an update, right? Right?**_

_**Oi! Put those pitchforks down!**_


	12. Chapter 12: First Come, First Served

Cronos Station – Hangar Bay 2

The roaring of engines caused the supervisor on shift to turn his head in annoyance, trying to perceive the source that was rapidly approaching. Instinctively, he checked his shift and found that there were supposed to be no incoming ships for at least another half hour. No one was departing at this time, all of the shuttles and fighters were locked in position, until the appropriate time.

Yet, to his consternation, a Kodiak shuttle was currently passing through the force field that led out into open space into the station, traveling over the Cerberus logo etched into the ground of the hangar. This was just going to be another hassle for him to handle as a squadron of SX3s were supposed to be departing from this very bay soon and now he had to allocate room for an errant shuttle that was inevitably going to block his way. Sure, such a job would only take a minute or so to rectify but it was the fact that he had to do it at all which was most enraging.

His blood pressure rose and the urge to ream someone out for this breach in schedule looked to be imminent. The pilot would have to do, and then he would abruptly turn on dispatch for idiotically setting a shuttle in the middle of a fighter bay hangar. Those idiots manning the control station never seemed to know what they were doing.

As the Kodiak has passed through the force field, the shuttle's data was automatically uploaded to the station's servers, allowing the supervisor to check them instantly on his omni-tool. Glancing quickly at the information as he strode to the landed craft, he increased his pace as the sloppily set shuttle began to power down.

"Shuttle fifty-nine x-ray!" he yelled, "You aren't supposed to be due to arrive here for two more days! Did you not register a change with dispatch?" He pounded on the door, feeling the warm metal vibrate from his blows. "Open up and have your ID ready!"

"_Model 1433 targeting activated_," a muffled voice came from inside the shuttle.

The supervisor's hand gravitated to the butt of his pistol as the door hissed and slid open, complying with his urgent attitude. The bright light from the hanger glinted off a mechanical form and he faltered for a split second. Momentarily recovering at the person standing in the Kodiak in shock, his fingers grasped for his gun but they slipped, not having the chance to gain any purchase on the grooved grip of the weapon.

Twin blasts of machine gun fire erupted from the center of the cabin, the noise deafening in the small space. The upper torso of the supervisor exploded, blood spewing in shockwaves as the man's flesh was shredded by the hail of gunfire.

Everyone in the hangar stopped in time to see the lower half of the supervisor crumple to the floor, leaking trails of intestines, and the figure that slowly walked out of the Kodiak with a series of metallic _clanks_. The smoking barrels of the light machine guns strapped to the exo radiated heat in spiraling wisps, connected to a series of heavy metal struts that ran along the limbs of the body encased within. The heavy plate armor of the front was chipped and blackened, the joints whirred as they moved, and the feet made slight indents in the floor whenever they stomped downward.

Surrounded by the metallic embrace, Tali'Zorah smiled. "I think you might have been expecting someone else?"

Twisting both trigger grips ninety degrees towards her, she felt the tiny _ticks_ of the gears lock into place before squeezing. With a _whoosh_, two shoulder mounted missiles flared from the back unit of the 1433 and shot up into the rafters of the hangar. With a flower of heat and flame, metal clattered down in pieces, an entire fighter following it to crash on top of a completely dumbstruck squad. The fighter squashed the three troopers with a sickening _crunch_, turning over a rack filled with canisters of helium-3. Cerberus soldiers ducked to avoid any more things crashing down on their heads, while Tali advanced, resetting her primary weapons back to her machine guns by twisting the grips back to their original position.

Even though the exoskeleton was not designed with the quarian frame in mind, Tali had found that she could still fit into it with minimal difficulty back on the Kodiak. She had used the amount of time that the shuttle spent flying while on autopilot to familiarize herself with the 1433 (setting it to safe mode so that she wouldn't blow a hole in the side of the shuttle) and all of its systems.

The legs on the 1433 were an aspect that worried her initially as she first tried to slip into it, but she quickly found out that she could bend the orientation of the exo's legs back a little, fitting them to perfectly run parallel to her bowed calves. It was almost as if the original designers had anticipated other alien species utilizing the exo in the future, preventing the back of her calves from scraping along the metallic restraints. It was a blessing then, that Cerberus had not been the original designers. This also meant, that because the exo's hydraulics were designed to augment the entire body it was transporting, she could program the suit's systems to take note of the fact that her ankle was sprained, thereby causing the exo to draw more power to the limb that supported her injured foot, enabling her to walk normally while placing less pressure on it.

There were other quibbles with the 1433, but all less troublesome than dealing with the position of Tali's legs. For one, the entire proportions of the suit seemed to be tailored to someone a bit wider than her body, causing the mechanical restraints to painfully bump against her wrists and hips as she moved. There would undoubtedly be some minor bruising from wearing this damn thing, but in the long run it would be well worth the price paid.

The exo, in addition to being uncomfortable, severely limited her movement. Tali was finding it a chore to turn in place in order to get a bead across her entire scope of vision. Fortunately, the exo came with a soft patch that provided a motion tracker to flare into her HUD, thereby alerting her if she was going to be flanked at any given time.

Despite the caveats, the range of armaments that the exo provided were undeniably tantalizing and useful. Tali now swept both of the guns across the room, decimating anyone who was still foolhardy to be out in the open. Limbs were ripped from sockets, heads popped into the air, and blood stained the ground as each soldier in the hangar was mercilessly cut down, struck down by Tali's wrath.

"Vent the hangar!" a soldier screamed from a gantry. "_Vent the goddamn hangar!_"

_Oh no, you don't_. Tali spotted a sniper making a break for the console on the far side of the room, most likely where the venting controls were located. In response, she twisted the trigger grips forward and thrust her elbows firmly back, activating the sonic pulse from the pack strapped to her back from her movements.

The remaining men who lived collapsed to the ground, clutching their heads (or helmets) in pain as the earsplitting screech overwhelmed them, vibrating across their skull and rendering them immobile for as long as Tali kept the pulse up. Shielded by sonic dampeners embedded in the half-cage surrounding her helmet, Tali was immune to the noise as she walked forward, approaching the man who was about to drop the hangar force field and expose everyone to the cold vacuum of space.

As she strode across, she lifted her arm, pointing perpendicular at the console, and twisted the grip again before firing, not even bothering to look to see if she had aimed properly. The missile obliterated the stand in a sea of smoke and plastic, molten fragments raining down on the opposite side, propelled by the force of the explosive projectile.

The proximity of the explosion shook her a little, causing her injured rib to throb in protest. Tali grunted slightly, now reminded of her fragile state. But she was too incensed to even care about such things anymore. Tali was now a cornered animal, one who attacks mercilessly when frightened, revealing the courage locked within to make a final stand.

Most everyone in the room was unconscious by now, the noise overloading all of their basic processes until their body was forced to shut down in response. The man at her feet was curled in the fetal position, having been knocked out for at least a minute by now, but she knew that didn't make him any less dangerous. Every single person on this station was an enemy, and she was reminded of what Shepard had said to her once after returning back from Noveria.

"_The goal of war is not necessarily to kill your enemy, but to neutralize them so that they cannot fight back. A soldier with a missing leg is just as deadly as someone with the full use of their limbs. Never underestimate an injured warrior at all times. You either have to kill him or knock him out in order to stop the fight from continuing further."_

"_But, Shepard,"_ she had said to him in confusion, _"How will I know the exact method to deal with someone when the time comes?"_

His face had turned thoughtful at that, his mouth in a forgiving line. _"That…is entirely at your discretion."_

Tali raised her metal-surrounded foot, her good one, and brought it down sharply upon the man's head. The helmet cracked and shattered inward with a _crunch_, being forced down a few extra inches as the human's skull splintered, crushing into his brain. Blood immediately began to seep through the cracks of the helmet and Tali quickly moved on, still too worked up on adrenaline to be properly affected by the sickening sight.

Realistically, had she not just clawed her way out of a collapsed temple after falling four stories and enduring a debilitating amount of mental anguish that would drive most people to the brink of suicide, Tali would have been less desensitized at the moment. She probably would have even thrown up at her actions.

But now, she found herself reveling in the destruction and violence, watching the creatures that hurt her scatter like roaches, unable to stop her rampage as she brought an end to their miserable existence.

She glanced to the side to look for a way out, not knowing that she was breathing heavily. The large door at the far end was flashing red: locked. Tali didn't know if her missiles could penetrate a door of that size, but quickly found an alternative to her conundrum.

There was a cart holding stacked canisters of helium-3 a few paces over. Looking towards the far wall, she gave the cart a firm kick, the exo pushing the heavy weight like it was merely a feather. She watched it roll into the wall, spilling the fuel canisters all over the ground as it collided with the immovable surface. Good enough for her.

With the reticle firmly aimed at her target, she squeezed the trigger of the right arm once. The bullet punctured one of the containers by the door and the resulting conflagration flared pure white for a second before cooling in a red hot series of flames licking at the fragmented metal that had now appeared. The 1433 firmly secured Tali's feet down as the shockwave buffeted her, keeping her body stable as the compressions from the explosion washed harmlessly over her.

A hole had now appeared in the hangar from the helium-3 detonation, the edges glowing with heat. There were no large fires surrounding the initial blast zone as the rest of the gas had evaporated after it had been introduced to the atmosphere. Beyond, Tali could see tiny figures scrambling to get out of harm's way, now that a new entrance to the laboratory had been rather unceremoniously added to the station's floor plan.

This suit was not becoming of her, Tali thought as she clomped towards the hole, making sure that all her weapons were good and ready. It was all too…theatrical, too brash, too noisy. Just too much. But she couldn't deny that the power she had at her fingertips was not a burden. It was a tool to be used at her discretion, the only proper way for dealing with an outcome like this. It was the right weapon at the right time.

Even so, it didn't mean she had to like it.

Grimacing, Tali bumped her shins on the leg guards once more as she maneuvered herself into the lab, not even close to being content.

* * *

><p><span>Five minutes later - Proximity to Cronos Station: 94 km.<span>

The huge amount of confusion ensuing inside the station at them provided the surrounding fleet to find themselves suddenly shut out from the control tower as chaos continued to erupt. The commanders of the two dozen ships orbiting around disregarded the communications blackout as a result of focused sunspot activity. The electrical shielding on these vessels was not impenetrable and they were prone to malfunctions from time to time. They elected to ignore the malfunction for the time being, assuming that the station would rectify things as soon as possible.

This laxness effectively sealed their doom as hundreds of Alliance ships unexpectedly screamed out of FTL and immediately began opening fire on the ragtag fleet. In an instant, five Cerberus cruisers fell, the hulls charred and gouged, while the first few Alliance vessels broke through the front lines like a knife.

The ship leading the charge screamed ahead and buzzed the station, passing by only a few kilometers away. Before it zoomed by the target, a tiny ship detached from it and began heading towards one of the hangar doors marked "Bay 4". The blue and white Kodiak found no acknowledgement from the tower at the moment, nor did it find the doors closed to bar its entrance.

As it set down in the middle of the hangar, it was apparent that something was amiss to the person manning the controls. Soldiers were running around the bay in a panic, scrambling to pick up whatever weapons they could scrounge around but the mass hysteria was not materializing from his arrival. He wondered if a second incursion team had infiltrated before he did, thereby providing a distraction for him.

With a ferocious blow to the controls, the door to the Kodiak slid open, and Shepard stepped out in full body armor, shining from the white LED lights positioned above. In his hands, the portable combat turret's barrel began to rotate and Shepard pressed down on the trigger once it had spooled up to a sufficient velocity.

The continuous stream of bullets sounded like a jackhammer plowing through a tough surface right next to him. It certainly felt like it too. The turret bucked in his hands, causing the line of fire to behave erratically for a few seconds before Shepard cursed and tensed his forearms, bringing the gun back under control.

The loud noises coming from the far end caused everyone in the room to turn and look for the source, snapped from whatever it was that they were doing at the moment. They would then be dropped for good as the projectiles tore them to pieces, cleaving some in half while causing eruptions of blood and bone to fountain in the air.

To his immense satisfaction, they all turned and ran from him at that, desperately trying to evade the wall of death that he so gleefully provided. A scant few provided cover fire in panic but Shepard's shields still held and his responding assault chewed through whatever cover that his enemies chose, ripping them to shreds and spilling blood over the polished floor.

"_I haven't given up on you, John,"_ a voice spoke from within, soothing in the wake of the carnage.

Shepard's face was a grim mask as he laid waste to Cerberus. He advanced towards the rear doors, noting that he hadn't even chewed through an eighth of his ammo yet.

"_Do you now see?!"_ he screamed to the few who still lived. "Do you see what you've done to me?"

Shepard swept the gun across the rafters, slicing through the supports and sending it, along with two hapless troopers crashing to the ground, where they were crushed in half from the metal caging.

Quickly turning to the side, Shepard let loose another quick burst, nicking a few packs filled with a hydrogen isotope. The liquid form fuel ignited in the presence of oxygen, reacting in a conflagration and catching two hapless soldiers ablaze. Their armor igniting, they screamed horribly as their skin started to melt, dripping like wax as their skulls became blackened from the intense heat.

Ozone reeking in the air, Shepard only became more incensed. "Did you even know her name when you killed her? _Did you?!"_ He pushed the secondary triggers and two concussive bursts shattered the impact proof window above him, panes slicing through the face of a sniper who shrieked as his eyes were cut in half.

"_It's all right…everything will be just fine..."_

"Her name was Tali'Zorah vas _Normandy!_" he roared with finality, whirling to see if he had missed anyone in the room. "And she…was…_mine!_"

With a final rake of the turret, he released his grip on the trigger and the noise abruptly died down. Fires had erupted where several canisters had leaked, metal structures lay crumpled around, and various bodies and limbs lay strewn across the ground. Shepard's world took on a hazy red glow, pulsing with rage as he breathed in and out.

"Interesting approach," a familiar voice muttered behind him. "Did you really think that you could bring her back from this?"

Clenching his jaw so tightly he thought his teeth would shatter, Shepard whirled to point a finger at the stoic Saren, who stood by mildly as the ruined hangar continued to smoke. "_You_ shut up!" The pounding of an oncoming Atlas from the next set of doors took his attention off the dead Spectre almost immediately after, causing him to spool the turret back up that he still held in preparation.

"So much destruction. So much violence. What exactly do you hope to _gain_ from this?"

"_Be quiet!_" Shepard screamed just as he unleashed a hellish wrath upon the mech. The Atlas staggered from the immense amount of fire it took, causing its main cannon to be thrown off course. The pilot struggled to get back into position but the canopy soon shattered from the abuse and the rest of his torso was disintegrated, leaving bloody chunks of flesh smeared upon the seat. Shepard did not stop firing though, until his bullets had punctured the helium-3 tank, igniting the rest of the fuel and turning the mech into a cloud of smoke and shrapnel.

Beside him, Saren continued to scoff. "At this rate, you're more liable to massacre everyone in this room before your desire to perish in combat will be fulfilled. Or perhaps are you saving that honor for us? Should we feel flattered?"

"I've got nothing more to say to you," Shepard growled, approaching the set of doors beyond the smoking wreckage. "You've lost already and you just can't accept it."

"Funny. One could say the same about _you_."

"_Focus on me," _the voice whispered._ "You can beat them. Fight, John. Fight!"_

"Nothing is set in stone," he spoke out loud, not looking at Saren who now resided behind him. "There's nothing you can say to me to make me want to give up. You're just grasping at straws now that I've pushed you out permanently."

Saren fumed at that, causing Shepard to shoot him a snarky grin. "Of course, you would never admit that all you machines have lost to me. You're scared of me and that's why you persist."

"You do not frighten us!" Saren hissed. "You are an anomaly but you will fall like the rest. Give up now and we will at least let you join your quarian."

"Tempting, but no. It'll just be worth it to watch you accept your defeat right before we kill you. Only then will I join Tali…_after_ I prove you wrong."

"Sounds like quite a gamble," Saren pretended to muse. "And if _you're_ the one who's wrong?"

Shepard shrugged, already mentally moving onto the next problem. "Then it's a good thing that I have nothing to lose."

* * *

><p>Tali fired through the glass of the lab, watching her shots splatter blood onto the walls beyond from the men who got in the way. The crumbling grains of the windows could be heard after she had confirmed the final kills in the area, leaving the entire place quiet.<p>

It seemed like the number of guards had been reduced the further she traveled through the station, she noted. It was like someone else was tearing through the place just as she did, potentially creating a distraction for her to take advantage of.

Whatever the reason, Tali was grateful for the reprieve as she opened the next door, finding herself thrust into a cavernous area, bits of machinery barely visible through a xenon fog. It took a few moments for her to determine what the glowing circular object that was suspended over the abyss actually was. She thought it had looked familiar when she had first laid eyes on it.

The core of the proto-Reaper still glowed red, miraculously finding power even though it had been detached from the rest of its body. It persisted, an immortal demon that continued to live no matter how many times it had been stepped on. The other pieces surrounding the core were all made of the same shining material, evidently more parts recovered from the Collector base. Clearly the explosion had not done as thorough of an extermination of the vile work as she had originally hoped.

She could see more soldiers scurry amongst the rafters above her, preparing their weapons. Smiling at their inevitable woe, she twisted the circular grips and unleashed a pair of missiles, the resulting streaks impacting near the third level's supports, severing them and sending the entire scaffolding to the bottom. They cried out as they fell, hopelessly flailing around for something to grab hold of. Tali was dimly reminded of her own predicament, only hoping that the darkness did not obscure any form of salvation for the humans. She was not a spiteful person by any means, but Tali felt that she deserved the chance at redemption more than anyone on this station ever would.

She spied a ladder at the end of her level, but of course with an exo completely strapped to her, that was not going to do. Fortunately, she knew just the sort of work-around that would suffice perfectly in this case.

Tali stepped forward a little so that there was nothing hanging overhead at the moment. Truthfully, she was nervous about trying this feature on the 1433 out but seeing as this was the only option available to her, she had no choice. She raised her arms and bent them so that her forearms were angled straight up and simultaneously pulled the trigger grips towards her once. Immediately, the booster pads embedded into the soles of the exo's boots flared, filling Tali with a soaring hopefulness. The enormous exoskeleton rose into the air, propelled by the flame arcing from her boots, past the wrecked levels and up onto the fourth level, using microthrusters to propel her forward a tiny bit.

Pulling the grips towards her again, the thrusters deactivated, leaving her suspended in the air for a quick second before she fell heavily down. The hydraulics took the worst of the foot-high drop, but she could still feel her ankle groan regardless, bringing tears to her eyes. She needed to get this done quickly so that she could treat herself. Tali realized that her injuries made her at risk for some serious internal bleeding. She needed to find the prothean VI and leave.

But, she couldn't just leave this monstrosity hanging here like a trophy, she pondered as she looked back at the Reaper core. Such a solution was immediately obvious to her. With a flick of her wrist and a quick squeeze of the trigger, the cables suspending the core snapped as the bullets sliced cleanly through them with a series of harsh _cracks_. With no small amount of satisfaction, Tali watched the core plummet down, making some sort of impact five seconds later with an enormous crash so loud she thought she had alerted every single person on the station to her presence.

Wanting to get out of here as quickly as possible, Tali willed herself to move the exo as fast as it could possibly go, fast walking through the door at the end. After she spent a few minutes traversing up a sloped hall, the final door opened and deposited her in a wide room, revealing a wide expanse, much to her surprise.

The floor was made of a polished black tile, onyx. A lone chair sat in the middle of the room with a large holographic display set in front of it. The entire far wall was one big window and Tali could see the waning glow of the dying star in the distance, its flares reaching out as its energy supply was continuously consumed. A sun in its final throes.

What momentarily drew her attention from her objective were the bright balls of flame occurring in front of the star at the moment. Tali stepped forward, skeptical, and jumped when a fighter screamed past the opening. Tracking it with her head, she saw the blue fighter race towards a capital ship with yellow accents to the side and unleash a pair of missiles on it, taking away half of its bow and crystallizing the escaped gas that flowed from it.

_The Alliance_, Tali realized with pride. _John discovered my tracker. But is he here? Is he safe? Does he even know I'm alive?_

Brimming with questions that she could not answer, Tali was now more motivated than ever to leave this infernal place with her prize in tow. She moved over to the holographic wall and touched a button to activate the station's internal memory, searching for any recent uploads within the last day. As soon as she put a finger to the display, a burst of white flared behind her, causing her to turn around incredulously.

The hologram did not depict the foreign shape of the prothean VI, but rather of a man in a simple, but expensive suit. His hair was neatly combed back and he was currently carrying a cigarette. Tali had only seen the man once but she had heard enough to place the physical description together even though they had not exchanged words at any point in their lives.

The Illusive Man.

The human's eyebrow arced as he appraised Tali standing in his room, over his chair. "Miss Zorah?" he asked with a small amount of surprise in his voice. "This is entirely unexpected."

"John will be here momentarily if that's who you want to talk to," she dismissed him with a wave of her hand as she went back to searching the database. "He always had the more reason to hate you."

"Hate _me?_" the Illusive Man said mockingly. "That seems a little harsh. We did him a _favor_, Miss Zorah. We practically raised him from the dead, provided him with another chance to vanquish his enemies, and you presume that to mean that he holds contempt for us?"

"Don't try to obscure the other side of the story," Tali growled as she didn't even turn her head, now fully invested in locating the VI. "He might have the barest sense of gratitude for what you did, but judging by the fact that you tried to kill him _and_ me, I'm sure his opinion has changed drastically from what you knew in the beginning."

"Funny thing, I was told that _you_ were dead. And yet here you stand on _my_ station, destroying _my_ troops and stealing _my_ VI. Are you doing this all for him, quarian? Is there some sort of underlying justification for your actions that warrants you risking your life for a human that you had a relationship with once?"

Tali had found the location of the VI and had begun copying it to her omni-tool by now. As the Illusive Man's words assaulted her, she felt herself fume at him calling her a "quarian" with contempt. She straightened, still not giving him the satisfaction of looking him straight in the eye, fiercely determined not to let herself become unnerved here. "John…is the only reason I'm here in the first place. Our relationship is something you would not understand, you intolerant bastard. He is my justification…for _everything_." She turned her head slightly so that he could see that she was giving him the minimum amount of acknowledgement. "And when he finds out I'm alive, you'll be wishing that I _stayed_ dead because he would hunt you down to the edge of the galaxy otherwise."

The Illusive Man chuckled at that, cigarette smoldering between his fingers. "Take heed, quarian. All of that can still be rectified." With a wink, the hologram vanished, giving Tali a few merciful seconds of silence.

She looked out the window once more, watching the Cerberus fleet being pounded into submission out there. As she saw the fighters engage in their deadly dance, she could have sworn she saw the Normandy mingling in the destruction with the others, unleashing glowing points of energy that decimated whatever they touched, spilling metal and gas into the space for them to be melted from the blazing temperatures.

Knowing that her ordeal was almost over, she probably would have started skipping to the exit had the exo weighed nothing. As it was, Tali could not remember a time in recent memory that she had looked so forward to seeing John again. The idea of his face lighting up as she would dock on board his ship, all his rage vanishing from him, was a sight that she so dearly wished to see right about now. She wanted him to sweep her up in a hug and tell her that he missed her, with everyone watching. And to think that she had been _afraid_ of him before…

A spark suddenly jumped around her, stinging her skin and seizing her muscles. She yelled briefly then the discomfort vanished, the exo rerouting the electrical burst while her body slightly spasmed. Tali dropped to a knee and raised her head, thinking that the Illusive Man was here for real this time and had developed the courage to attack her. But she only saw a black armored figure sheath his omni-tool and draw his sword from the doorway, frustrated that his initial attack had not been as debilitating has he had hoped.

"No shit," Kai Leng snarled. "I thought you had been smashed to a paste back on Thessia."

Getting back to her feet, Tali tensed her arms as she readied her weapons. "I'm not that easy to get rid of," she retorted just as acidly.

Leng let out an unearthly bellow before jumping to the side, just in time to avoid a burst from the exo's right machine gun. Impossibly fast, Leng sprinted to flank her before jumping in the air, hoping to bring his sword down on her head.

Reflexively, she raised her left arm and the sword bounced off of the metal exoskeleton with a spark. She swung her right fist and connected it with Leng's abdomen, shunting him back a few feet. The human did not even seem to be winded, but he advanced far more cautiously now, like a predator that had properly sized up its prey.

Tali quickly shunted her arms backwards, activating the sonic pulse, but even as the shriek rebounded around the room, Leng still stood up straight and betrayed no reaction from what was certainly a deafening pitch. Confused, she switched the pulse off to see a pair of lights behind Leng's ears dim, connected to the headset that he wore.

So, the eyepiece that wrapped around his head also had audio cancelling emitters that activated in the presence of loud noises. This was to save on soldiers developing tinnitus during firefights which resulted in hefty medical costs to properly treat. But Tali had to know that a fight like this couldn't be resolved that simply. It was just too convenient.

Leng lunged, hoping to skewer her on the point of his sword by plunging it into her unarmored stomach, but she pushed off on a foot, the blade harmlessly singing past her. Tali followed up with a quick burst from the left machine gun, bullets raking up and down Leng's shields but he jumped away soon after that, moving inside her stance to slash at her again.

"_You have to be very careful when someone chooses to engage you with a bladed weapon. They're going to want to get inside your stance so you won't be able to use your guns, rendering you defenseless so that they can kill you in an instant. If you're caught in this situation, you have to remain calm otherwise you're going to make a mistake that will cost you your life. Observe the range of motion that your opponent makes and use it to your advantage. But the most important thing is to never falter, never give up. And when your opponent makes a mistake first, then you can strike."_

Her right arm blocked the next blow and lowered in anticipation of the backswing, ignoring the stiffness in her side. Leng seemed annoyed that Tali had anticipated what he was going to do, disengaging so that he could temporarily retreat at a safe distance. That was the moment Tali had been waiting for. She twisted her grip and quickly launched a missile, but the slow moving projectile was easy to avoid and Leng hurled himself to the side as the ground detonated a few meters away.

There was now a smoking hole in the ground and the smooth tiles had now been scuffed from scorch marks, if they weren't blown to smithereens. Leng looked shaken at that, and betrayed a hint of fear as Tali stomped towards him, ready to continue their little engagement.

The foot of the 1433 lifted and Leng rolled away just in time as the boot smashed the ground where his head had just been seconds before. Midway through his roll, he snatched his sword back up and began to run in a circle, hoping to outmaneuver Tali.

She saw what he was attempting to do, to strike at her back as he could move quicker than she could. Watching him slip just past the edge of her vision, she stopped trying to track him and abruptly started to turn in the opposite direction, catching Leng off guard and smashing him in the chest with an armored fist. With a wet cry, Leng was flung backward yet again, still grasping onto his sword, but the operative miraculously still managed to stay on both his feet, grasping his stomach as the wind was driven out of it.

"You…little…_bitch_," Leng wheezed. "I'm going to rip your fucking heart out for that."

Tali slowly blinked, feeling the beads of sweat run down her face as she panted. Her body was pumping with adrenaline, dulling any discomfort but heightening the thrill of the fight. It was an exhilarating experience, but she knew that she would slowly be more exhausted as this went on. She only had to hope that Leng would fall before her

Raising her arms in a blocking position, she smiled defiantly. "Not if I send you to hell first."

* * *

><p>His shortcut brought him overlooking a cavernous room, much to his surprise. Shepard was simply dumbfounded that a room like this could have fit in a station that looked smaller on the outside.<p>

He grasped only a pistol now, his turret having run out of bullets a few minutes ago. He had deposited it in the security station after he had completely decimated the last contingent of guards that had blocked his way at the time. Surrounded by the flashing monitors, he had felt the noise and the screams envelop him as he had fired the final bullets, smashing everything that was in his sight that could possibly be broken.

Saren had remained with him the whole way, but every time he had attempted to converse, Shepard had ignored him. Now, he merely followed him on his exploits, fuming wherever he went and biding his time for Shepard to make a mistake that would allow him to capitalize on tormenting him some more.

Aside from the errant trooper, the base looked to be mostly clear for some reason. Certainly, now that he was in this room, it actually looked someone had been here before him. An entire side of the third level walkway was missing, torn away from the looks of it as the supports had either failed or were intentionally snapped.

A tangle of wires dangled from the ceiling, occasionally snapping off sparks and emitting a sour smell that caused his nose to wrinkle. This sort of damage looked like someone had detonated a small bomb in here. It was obviously not caused by fighter damage from the battle outside as any physical damage would be dampened by the internal gravity here. Plus, there were no holes in the station that denoted that this place was being attacked at all. Surely the Alliance knew he was on board and wouldn't be that brash as to fire on the station he was currently infiltrating, would they?

Electing to hurry along regardless, Shepard broke off at a jog towards the far door, seeing the final hallway slope upward and terminate at another opening a few dozen meters ahead. This one however, was locked, the display flashing red. He frowned, briefly considering using his omni-tool to crack the doors open, but decided that hacking it would take too long. Rather, Shepard swiftly knelt down by the door and pried open a panel attached to the side. A construction like this would not be elaborate, he figured. This was a secret location and would have had to be built quickly in order to minimize its chances of detection. Therefore, the station's internal components would most likely be sloppily thrown together rather than assembled in a meticulous display of craftsmanship.

The panel pried open, Shepard reached in and grasped the hydraulic tubes firmly before yanking his arm back. Compressed air started hissing out angrily, but the door still denoted that it was locked. However, Shepard grasped one edge of the door and firmly pulled, the half sliding towards him with no resistance whatsoever. With no hydraulics to keep the door shut, it was a simple affair to force the door completely open and for him to step inside.

In front of him, he could see that the room was already occupied, to his confusion. The light of the sun threw the two combating figures into simple silhouettes, one bulky and wearing an exo from the looks of it, the other slim and waving a sword around. He squinted to make out the pair of shapes, eerily entranced by the way they continued to do battle, neither one having noticed him yet.

Shepard raised his pistol cautiously as he approached the scene. As he moved into a place where the sun was dimmed by the window, he was somewhat expecting to see Kai Leng running amok with his sword, frantically slashing at the person that the exo encased, feeling his hatred start to burn him at the memory of his smug face.

But, if Kai Leng was already here, then who was he fighting at this moment? He struggled to make out the person wielding the exo, hearing nothing but heavy breathing coming from them, their back to him. He moved to the side, staying out of Leng's field of vision while simultaneously trying to catch the eye of the other. He had suspected another person being here from the beginning and now it was time for his answers to be brought to a close.

The exo turned around to get in a better position and Tali stood still as a board, rigid as her eyes locked with Shepard's at the same time. They seemed to disregard time itself as Shepard lowered his gun in shock. Tali was standing tall and proud, continuing to fight, _alive_. Her eyes shone beneath her mask and Shepard could feel a part of him glow at the sight.

_How…how is this possible?_

For a moment, he was concerned that it was all a trick, that she was just a figment of his imagination brought on in a last-ditch effort to control him once more. But…it all seemed real. Watching her fight, hearing her yell as Leng tried to hurt her, was this really something that he would imagine in his head? Was pain the only thing he was capable of thinking of?

To his shock, Leng had mustered up a charge on the far side of the room, but Tali was too transfixed at Shepard's presence to even notice, choosing instead to gaze lovingly at him from afar, knowing that things would be all right now. Shepard opened his mouth to shout an alarm, but Saren stepped in front of him before his warning could be issued.

The turian did not speak this time, but mustered all his distaste into his expression, fixating Shepard with a look of pure loathing. The blue eyes sparked with fury, disappointment, and wrath as Shepard's view was blocked. Saren was not going to move. It was like he didn't want Shepard to see this…to see _Tali_.

_This…this is no dream. She is REAL!_

Unwilling to let his existence be tormented any more, Shepard silently sprung off and sprinted _through_ Saren, his form dissolving away as he raced towards Tali. She saw him running in her direcction but noticed that he was looking past her at the last second. Realizing in her horror, that she had forgotten all about Leng, she turned around to bring the guns of the exo to bear but it was too late for her to make a move. He was right on top of her at this point.

Suddenly, with all his strength, Shepard dived in front of Tali, pushing her out of harm's way with his arm at the last second. The steel flash of the sword swung down and Shepard felt pain flare across his left arm. His right hand reflexively clenched on the pistol and Leng jolted as a bullet tore right through his abdomen, bursting out of the other side of his body.

Shepard fell heavily to the ground, his left arm was now sluggish but pure adrenaline was taking the edge off. His pistol had been dislodged in the fall but he noticed something else next to him. Groaning, he picked up Leng's sword with his good arm and stumbled over to where the operative was on his knees, numbly trying to push his guts back into the ragged hole that the bullet had caused. Despite his efforts, a fat tube of intestine was still being forced out as blood gushed around the opening.

Sensing someone standing over him, Leng raised his head, pursing his lips as if he was about to spit on his tormentor, but he saw the shadow swing his arm quickly before he could act. Something cold bit into the side of his neck and in an instant, it was over.

Watching Leng's head roll away, Shepard stepped away from the decapitated body as the stump of the neck briefly spat blood, the heart pumping once before realizing there was nothing commanding it to work anymore. He let the sword fall from his fingers, his knees giving out soon after as he clutched at his arm, starting to feel the blood pour from the long cut. He could see that his entire left side was bloody, the armor completely penetrated as the sword had sliced him to the bone. Shepard groaned helplessly, hoping that his suit's medi-gel dispenser would act soon and save him from bleeding out.

Sitting there in pain, he could feel the ground start to shake, followed by a pair of hands gingerly lifting him up before throwing his good arm over a set of shoulders. Naturally inclined to view his helper, Shepard found himself face to face with a familiar purple visor, certain that she was smiling beyond his view.

_If this is a dream, this isn't so bad_, he conceded as Tali helped him out of the room. The exoskeleton took all his weight handily and Tali only had to contend with Shepard's stumbling feet as he became less coherent from the loss of blood.

"I'm sorry, Tali," was all he could say, hanging his head and just hoping that receptive ears would listen. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Forgive me…god, please forgive me…"

His head still dangling, he was unaware that tears were starting to fall until three digits gently brushed across his face, dabbing them away with a smooth caress. The hand then moved over to his chin, lifting his head so that he could look into her eyes to see the truth in her words.

Tali could no longer feel hatred or fear of this man as he remained crumpled and helpless in her arms. His persistent armor had shattered and left a broken soul right in front of her. Watching him cry, seeing him in pain, in anguish, confirmed what she knew to be true, what she had held hope for all this time. Unable to control her own tears, she replied in a breathy whisper, "I forgive you…_my love_."

Shepard let loose a loud sob at that, only gratitude flowing within him as the woman continued to support him. Blindly weeping, he could also hear Tali sniffling beside him, also caught up in the moment. Words were impossible to form for the both of them now. Finding himself traveling through the station once more, Shepard strangely found himself anticipating the blackness as he finally fainted, his reprieve granted.

* * *

><p><strong><em>AN: Busted my ass to get this one out before I would be indisposed for the rest of the week. That means then, that the next chapter will be delayed for longer than usual, as a heads up._**

**_I hope everyone enjoyed what I've written so far. Despite my joy in being described as an abomination of the human race, that doesn't mean I don't have a soft side now and then. That being said, was this chapter any good or did you want me to cram in more anguish to tamper with your emotions for a while longer? Be honest, I'm looking for good feedback (even though I'm being slightly sarcastic...slightly)._**

**_To my readers joining me in the states, have a happy Thanksgiving and to everyone else, hang in there! I'm not done with this story yet!_**


	13. Chapter 13: Sins Absolved

Normandy - Time to fleet mobilization completion: 9 hours

His arm was the first thing he felt, rousing him from his blissful sleep. Despite the wealth of medi-gel and stiches applied to the slash from Kai Leng's sword, it still stung annoyingly.

Opening his eyes a crack, Shepard could see his body lying perfectly straight upon the bed back in his cabin, his left arm folded across his stomach. He flexed his fingers, testing himself, and found them to be a little stiff. His arm was rather tense as well, a white bandage wrapping around the length of the wound. Not one to let his injuries be so visible, he pried his fingers underneath the gauze and firmly ripped the dressing off. Stifling a yell by biting his lip, he was pleasantly surprised to see that the cut had been fully healed over, although there was an angry red line of raised skin of what would definitely be a nasty scar.

Shepard tilted his head, stretching his neck and feeling the cartilage pop in response. It had been a couple days since his incursion onto Cronos Station, but it felt like a week to him. In that time, Chakwas had fixed his arm and provided Tali with a clean room for her to treat herself in (a fact he was not immediately made aware of). Everything was all one giant blur but remarkably still sober for Shepard. When his arm was being dressed, he had made a point to refuse anesthesia, determined not to be put back on painkillers again. That was something he was adamant be left in the past, safe behind him.

Despite the stirring from his slumber, he was in the position that it felt so good to lie perfectly still in place. At the very least, he did not want to leave the confines of his bed anytime soon. Regardless, he was feeling rather relaxed at the moment, but as the commander of this ship, he did still have a duty to be on top of the goings-on that was occurring in his presence. He turned his body, despite his mental devil telling him to stay put, intent on leaving his soft bed but abruptly stopped as he became aware that he wasn't as alone as he initially thought.

To his shock, the form of Tali'Zorah lay curled up next to him, currently facing away from him. Her hood and other cosmetic features of her suit had been removed, replacements lying on the couch a few feet away. She looked very bare in this form, to see the entire gold shape of her helmet and her suit exposed like this. All the while, Shepard could see her stomach rise and fall slowly; she was still sleeping.

Suddenly overwhelmed, Shepard flirted with hesitation on what he was expecting from a situation like this. The fact that she was with him _now_ brought tears to his eyes, his last wonderful memory of her had not been a dream after all. He had _found_ her on that station, just like all those years before on the Citadel.

Very slowly with his eyes wide open, he carefully reached around and wrapped a firm arm around her in a hug. Tali mumbled sleepily as she began to wake, the slight touch alerting her to more stimulation. Giving thanks to whatever god he had acknowledged for his whole life, Shepard gently drew Tali closer to him by pulling her shoulder in his direction, so that he could press against her, to feel her with his hands, in his arms. Satisfied that his analysis was complete, Shepard sighed, his eyes already welling with tears, and he lowered his head to fit in the crook between Tali's neck and shoulder, not caring if the metal from her helmet was somewhat cold on his face.

As Tali began to shed the last vestiges of sleep, her hands unconsciously began to draw themselves around Shepard in response to his hug. Beginning to stroke his back, she finally opened her eyes and gasped slightly when she perceived the human crying into her shoulder, clutching her fiercely.

A curse sprung into her head first but she squandered it at the last second before it could escape her lips, choosing instead to softly soothe Shepard by making quiet noises instead. This only seemed to make him cry harder, causing him to bury his face deeper into her shoulder so that she wound not have to look upon his shame.

Also at the brink of breaking down, Tali removed her arms from Shepard to cup his head tenderly. She pried him away so that she could look at his face and see the lifetime of regret permanently etched upon him.

"Hey…hey…" she whispered, using two gloved fingers to wipe away his tears. "You don't need to cry anymore, John. I'm _here_."

Shepard sniffled miserably, placing a hand across the side of her helmet. "But…_why_, Tali?"

"What do you mean?"

"After all that I did to you…" he stumbled, clearly having a difficult time with the words. "Why do you choose to be with me here now? I…I just don't _understand_."

She nodded in acknowledgement, her hands beginning to stroke his cheeks in assurance. "Because I've realized that I've _always_ been meant to be with you. I was just too blind to see that you still loved me earlier. I could have fixed this…I could have prevented all this from happening and it's all my fault."

"It is _not_ your fault!" Shepard said with more steel in his voice. "There is _nothing_ that can excuse my behavior towards you in the beginning. I was in a bad place, Tali. I mean, hell, I almost _slept_ with another woman and I almost _struck_ you when you questioned me about it! How…how can you still love me after all the pain I caused you?!"

Tali shook her head firmly. "But you _didn't_ do any of it."

"Tali…"

"You _didn't_ sleep with that woman and you _didn't_ strike me afterwards. You couldn't bring it in yourself to do me any harm when I clearly had dealt _you_ the most grievous wound. This would _never_ have occurred if it wasn't for me."

"_Please_…don't blame yourself, Tali. That isn't fair…"

But she steadfastly continued to ignore him, looking to the side as if in a trance. "I _deserted_ you, John. I left when you were in need of me most. And I left it all for a stupid promotion." She beat a fist on the bed. "You were right, you know. There was no one on the flotilla that cared for me as much as you did. I was never important to the other admirals…not as much as I was to you. I'm such an idiot for not figuring it out sooner! But knowing that after all this time that you still loved me is…is…"

Tali drooped her head as she was now starting to weep, causing Shepard to hold her a little tighter. He kept her still, his firm arms refusing to let her go this time. She would not have the chance to leave him again.

"You…" he breathed carefully. "You can't put this all on _yourself_, Tali. I screwed up just as badly when I tried repeatedly to push you away, remember? I ignored you, insulted you, and hurt you, Tali. If anything, it would make more sense for you to have put me out of your mind and just left me. At the very least, I would deserve it."

"That very thing has been suggested to me before," Tali said as she stared intently at him, blinking tears out of her eyes. "But it's physically impossible for me to turn my back on my bondmate, John. Regardless of what happens, I cannot stop loving you. I just can't."

"_B-Bondmate?_" he whispered aloud, astonished.

Tali nodded simply. "Do you love me, John?"

Shepard swallowed, seeing the determination blazing from her eyes, even behind the visor. Her entire body was rigid, steeled in preparation. Her question was asked in confirmation, to see if it was not a fluke the first time. But it had been said before, so it could be said again.

"I do," Shepard said, feeling Tali relax in his arms from his words. "I love you, Tali. I've never stopped loving you this whole time. And that makes all the wrong I did to you even more unacceptable. I was the one who was despicable because I _knew_ you still cared about me, yet I was intent of pushing you as far away from me as I possibly could. It's just…I'm so sorry. I know you said that you could forgive me, but I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself…"

He trailed off as Tali quickly pried her arms loose from Shepard's grip, pressing them to the seals of her helmet. With a hiss of air, she casually tossed the visor aside and let the back of her helmet drop behind her. "No more apologizing, you _bosh'tet_," she smiled before she furiously connected their lips together in a passionate kiss.

Shepard was surprised for a fleeting moment before sinking into the warm feeling of her lips against his. Tali's black hair wisped around his face, tickling him and awakening something locked deep inside of him. A quiet hum erupted from Tali, continuing as the both of them parted lips and converged again eagerly and greedily.

They did not speak for a whole minute, choosing instead to let the soft kisses do all the talking for them. The seconds slipped away from them, becoming one singularity as they merged with each other; two people with one connection. Each tiny impulse registered with the other: a twitch of a cheek, a tremble of an arm, and the faint sound of a sniffle of happiness. With a longing tug on his lower lip, Tali pulled her head back and Shepard could see that tears were running down her face, her glowing eyes shining brightly.

In person, uncovered, she still looked as beautiful as he had remembered her. Her alien qualities did not register at all with him now; he was only capable of seeing a lovely, grey-skinned woman who held his image in her limpid white eyes. In this position, there was a vulnerability that her layers had managed to hide all this time. With everything laid out in front of them, there was nothing for her to conceal, revealing the true Tali to Shepard. The one he had always loved.

Tali smiled through her tears, her eyes flickering over to his nightstand for a moment. Seeing the object propped up next to his chronometer, she let out a tiny laugh as she looked back at Shepard's kind face.

"You saw my message."

Shepard chuckled softly, now wiping away her tears this time with his fingers. "I did."

"…And?"

"And…" he paused for a second before he teasingly supplied her with a kiss on her lips. "I want you to be a part of my life again, if you really want me to be a part of yours."

"I don't want anything else. I want _you_." Tali beamed brightly before realization crept into her, her face slowly becoming downtrodden. "At least…until the fleets mobilize. I wanted to spend more time with you, John, but now…now we only have eight more hours until everything ends. For all we know, this could be our last day alive."

Shepard brushed a few strands of hair out of Tali's eyes in assurance. "Don't think like that, Tali. I didn't come all this way just to lose you again. We can defeat the Reapers, I know it! But I won't do anything without you, because I'm fighting for you. I'm fighting for more time for you to be a part of my life again."

"Thank you," Tali whispered as she snuggled up closer to Shepard. Both lay intertwined in the other's arms for a few minutes, staring at the starts drifting by via the skylight. Periodically, Shepard would gently brush his fingers through Tali's hair, hearing what could almost be considered a purr escape from her from his actions. After a while, she felt Shepard start to stir against her restlessly. "What is it?"

"I've just been thinking," he mused.

"About what?"

"You said we only had eight hours left, right?"

"Yes?"

He gave a mischievous smile before he stroked her cheek. "We don't have much time now, do we?"

Now fully aware of what he meant, Tali seemed to glow for a second before she rolled off of Shepard, immediately tugging at her suit to get it off her frame. Without her straps and hood on, it was a simpler affair to remove her enviro-suit, but she still fumbled at the seals like a nervous teenager. Her fingers slipped on a clasp and she cursed, a multitude of possibilities running through her head and preventing her from thinking clearly.

In contrast, Shepard remained calm on the other side of the bed, slowly pulling off his shirt before kicking off his pants. Once that was done, he kept his back turned on Tali, hanging his head briefly and sighing, wondering how everything in his life had been rectified so neatly. In any case, it was kind of cute hearing Tali mutter in frustration behind him. The woman was so eager and so wound up that any delays on her end were only causing her to become more flustered, more heated.

Unable to help himself, Shepard turned around slightly just in time to see Tali shrug off the suit along her back. What was different this time was that the usually smooth skin was now marred by a plethora of scratches and cuts along her grey skin.

_The fall_, he realized sadly, unable to tear his eyes off her injuries.

The wounds looked to be already healing, probably from when Tali treated herself as soon as she was back aboard the Normandy. He had briefly awoken to hear the news from Chakwas regarding her condition but it was certainly worse seeing it than hearing about it. The reality sinking in, knowing that she suffered a multitude of injuries and managed to crawl to safety before mounting a one-person assault on a fortified position successfully was nothing short of a miracle. It was not really a stretch for Shepard to imagine Tali as his guardian angel, finding himself drawn to her tenacity and unbreakable devotion, even when he was at his most despicable. She was certainly a treasure, one he definitively did not deserve.

He watched her dolefully as she finished kicking the last of her suit off, leaving it crumpled at the foot of the bed. Now completely bare, Tali did not turn around just yet, choosing to stare intensely into space straight ahead. Her fingers gripped the edges of the bed, tensing in response to the cool air that she allowed to waft all over her naked body. From Shepard's position, he could see a few more scrapes and bruises along her arms as well as the brief outline of a brace around her ankle when she had kicked her suit away. A broken woman, stitched back together.

Tali hung her head, the weight of the past few days hanging about her neck. She felt alone, afraid, worried to the point that she was imagining this entire encounter taking place. She considered apologizing and backing out altogether, fearful that her mind was playing more tricks on her, making her feel most content before everything that was good in her life would be snatched away abruptly.

She was about to open her mouth to explain her misgivings until she felt the bed start to indent behind her, an approaching presence. Tali did not look back, still having her eyes tightly shut but gasped once a pair of warm hands gently wrapped themselves around her waist. They lightly moved up and down her body, caressing it, feeling the soft skin of her stomach, causing her to uncontrollably let out a moan.

Such a touch like that, a gentle touch, felt so good to her. Tali felt herself tingle all over as Shepard tenderly continued to rub his hands along her, terminating at the bottom of her ribs and feeling the bone sharply protrude there. Tali's mouth was agape as the wonderful feeling of Shepard's hands on her sent her mentally spiraling out of control, her train of thought derailed.

All of a sudden, she heard a sound at the same time she felt a pair of warm lips connect with her body. The kiss at her shoulder blade caused her to elicit yet another moan as Shepard slid his body next to hers.

Their hips were now touching as they both dangled their feet off the edge of the bed, but Shepard was still taking things very slowly. He began to travel upward from her shoulder blade, his lips never leaving the skin of Tali's back, trailing over very gently and planting a kiss at random intervals. The pleasurable feelings were becoming more intense the higher Shepard went, making each kiss feel like they lasted an eternity to her.

Tali thought she would never have gotten to experience anything like this again, but could not stop the pure gratitude from flowing into her brain and leaving her breathless. It was only when Shepard planted a kiss at the nape of her neck, then to her cheek, did everything suddenly become unleashed for her.

Whirling, she threw a leg over Shepard's lap so that she now straddled him. Having only a second to look into his face, she opened her mouth and firmly planted it over his own. Tali could not stop her tongue from trying to explore him further, throwing aside any notion of danger, and was pleasantly surprised to find that Shepard had the same idea. Their kiss lasted for minutes on end as the two did nothing but spar with their tongues, fully taking in the taste of the other, that wonderful flavor that was unique to their partner. A secret drive the other possessed, a rarity exclusive to them both.

Tali's arms wrapped completely around Shepard, squeezing together so tightly as if she was making sure that he was not a figment of her imagination, unwilling to let him go this one time. Her thighs clenched on him and her breasts pressed on his chest, her hard nipples relentlessly teasing him.

Shepard placed a hand firmly over Tali's lower back and let his other run up to her scalp, feeling the long strands of her black hair part between his fingers. Their kisses were coming in a faster frequency now, with every time that they parted for air, Tali made a frantic sound that was combination of a gasp and a moan.

With what must have been an enormous effort, Tali pried her lips away from Shepard's as she began to drag her lips across his cheek, her breath tickling his ear. He kissed her neck again, making her sharply inhale before he heard her voice whisper to him.

"_Don't leave me. _Please, John. Please don't leave me."

"I will never leave you again," he breathed just as intensely into her ear before tensing his arm that was still planted on her back and he twisted in place.

Tali made a surprised noise as she found herself lying on her back on the bed, the pillows giving her head support. Shepard's body was firmly situated between her legs now, but he had to remind himself not to go so fast. He was doing this all for her and she was still in the process healing. After all Tali had been through, she deserved this much.

It seemed like Tali had been expecting something else to occur because when Shepard started to slide his body downward, she made a pathetic keen, her eyes glistening with confusion. He quietly shushed her, making sure to supply her body with kisses along his descent. Each application of his lips took a good long while, every kiss an apology upon her frame. The feeling of his blazing hot body going above and beyond the call of duty to fill her with love was so intoxicating to Tali. She twisted her hips in place, enjoying the sensation of him deeply kissing her all over.

Shepard spent a few minutes kissing the area between Tali's breasts, burying his face in them, surrounded by warm flesh. Next he let his lips travel across her shallow navel, his hands smoothing across her firm abdomen, tracing the lines of muscle that accentuated her thin body.

Something to the side of her caught his eye as he lifted his head up. On the left side of her body was a ghastly bruise that left her skin stained purple and yellow, a variety of several ugly hues that sullied her form. Covering the majority of the wound were two black strips of tape that kept the cracked rib from shifting ever so slightly, staving off any more discomfort.

Drawn to the bruise, feeling sorrow puncture him through and through, Shepard lowered his head to Tali's rib and ever so slightly kissed her where she was wounded. He was careful to exert as little pressure as possible, but he still heard her hiss slightly in pain.

_My Tali_, he thought as he imagined the agony she had felt down in the ruin of that cursed temple. _My poor Tali._

He kissed a lower rib, resuming his travel downward as Tali started to stroke his head in her throes. However, he continued to move his head past where her abdomen ended. Tali sat up, noticeably breathing a lot heavier, to get a better look at what was going on. "John?" she asked huskily. "What…what are you doing?"

In response, Shepard drew his head up slightly to kiss the side of her knee before traveling to her inner thighs. After she let out a tiny titter, he grinned as he replied. "Making you happy, Tali."

Now realizing what he was about to do, Tali became wide-eyed. "But…but…you could get _sick_, John. You don't need to do this for me."

Hovering just above her, he could not help but break out into a loving smile. How she could sit on this bed, engaged in what had to be the best euphoria of her life, and that she could still provide evidence that she genuinely did care about him was very touching. Shepard looked directly at her, making sure that she saw that her concern affected him dearly, before he kissed her on the opposite thigh.

He sighed slightly before turning his lips upward slyly. "It's not about me this time, Tali. But I'll be careful. I promise."

She was just about to protest some more until Shepard lowered his head down a few inches, causing her to whimper as an explosion of pleasure seemed to travel upward to her head. Her limbs froze in the air, paralyzed by the new sensation. Her thighs automatically tightened around Shepard's head as he lingered between her legs, the feeling of his lips and tongue on her making her entire body feel rubbery.

Shepard let his hands run along Tali's body as he lovingly continued in his duties. They ran past her ribs, groping at her breasts, and brushed over her nipples, creating a smorgasbord of feelings that did not all register at once on her. Tali was completely overloaded, eyes wide as she loudly mewled, her cries high and quick.

With a kiss where she was most sensitive, Shepard looked upward from where he resided on her body, trying to snag her attention. Now aware that her pleasure had subsided, Tali let out a ragged breath as she appraised Shepard with a longing apprehension, wordlessly questioning why he had stopped.

Concern lining his face, Shepard spoke softly. "Do…do you like that, Tali? I can stop if you want me to…"

"_No!_" she gasped, tears positioned around her eyes in preparation for denial. "I…I like it very much. Please don't stop. _Please_."

Shepard gave a tiny nod as her encouragement relived him. "Okay," he whispered before going back down on her.

Contact registering once more, Tali's back arched as she fought to keep her answering groan under control. Shepard's arms were firmly anchoring her lower waist down, his tongue tracing an intricate pattern on her, stimulating all the right places at a ridiculously slow pace, driving her mad with its intensity.

Trying to find something to occupy her hands, Tali began squeezing her breasts, completely helpless in Shepard's position. Meanwhile, Shepard continued to bury his head deeper, surrounding himself in Tali. He fondly took in her warmth, her scent, and her taste as he dedicated himself to please her as best as he could. It would have to be a start for all the wrong he had done to her in the past.

Temporarily distracting him, Shepard felt three fingers clawing at his right hand. He lifted his head up so that his eyes could match hers, seeing that her left hand was desperately reaching for something to grab onto. It was like she didn't want the pleasure, but she wanted _him_. Heart pounding, he released his grip on her thigh and held his hand flat on the bed, palm up. Quickly, Tali grasped it, her grip surprisingly strong and pulsating with the rhythm he had set.

"Ah…" Tali gasped. "Oh please…_yes_…John…_yes!_"

Spurred on by her drunken exclamations, he had to force himself not to go faster than he already was doing. She was enjoying his current tempo but it was easy to misinterpret her cries of passion for him to switch things up. Now was a critical moment, he could not falter here.

Tali's upper body was writhing, turning this way and that as she tried to hold in her orgasm, her body throbbing in his mouth. Her knuckles were white as she crushed his hand, still clenched together as they shook upon the bed sheets. She was very close, any second now.

With a wail, he felt Tali's grip on his hand slacken at the same time her body ceased all movement, staying still as she rode down from her peak, muscles on her body twitching all over from the intense release.

Quickly so that he wouldn't take in anything his body would reject, Shepard began his ascent upward, resuming the same pattern he had used to travel down Tali in the first place. She was still so out of it that even when Shepard paused to take a nipple in his mouth, she could barely react through her body's intense tingling. With a final kiss upon her breast, Shepard carefully moved upward as Tali began running her hands along his arms. When their heads were at the same height, Tali only had time to say a single word before their eager lips pressed together once more.

"_Incredible_…"

They rolled to the side, relentlessly devouring the other as they dove deeper into their passion. The months on end that they had been separated had chained their inhibitions for too long and now they had all come racing out of the gates. Tali found that she could not be satiated so easily from simply kissing Shepard on the lips, breathlessly beginning to kiss all over his face. His cheeks, nose, forehead, and lower jaw were all touched within a short period as she rubbed her body along his own. She felt him brush her, causing Tali to abruptly moan as Shepard gasped from the quick stimulation.

Her hunger consuming her, Tali pushed Shepard so that he was now lying on his back on the bed, with her straddling him on top. She lowered her body so that she was parallel with Shepard, closing her eyes as she calmed herself by giving him a slow kiss upon the lips, feeling the blossoming heat flow onto her. She scooted her hips downward a little but stopped once she felt a hand gently wrap around her arm.

She looked upward to see Shepard sitting up slightly, the tables turned. His eyes were glistening with wonder and love but there was also concern buried deep behind his initial joy. Tali stopped where she was, confused, as she waited to hear what he had to say.

"Tali…wait," he said haltingly, his voice cracking as he breathed heavily. "You don't…you don't have to do this, you know."

"Why not?" she asked genuinely, prying his hand from her arm and bringing it up to her face. Finding no resistance from him, she began to kiss his palm and his fingers, causing him to bite back a groan which in turn made her smile.

Gulping, he pressed on, even as Tali began to suck on his index finger. "I don't want you to feel pressured into doing this. If this is too much, we can stop."

Tali did not answer right away but slowly directed his hand downward. Not taking her eyes off him, she guided his palm to her breast, planting it flat across. Immediately, he began to grope at it, stroking a thumb across her hard nipple, making her shudder.

"It's all right," she assured as she still held his hand to her breast. "I want this."

Understanding, Shepard leaned back a little as he let his other hand wrap around Tali's hip in anticipation. He was still a little apprehensive but he trusted Tali to know what she wanted best. In reality, she was absolutely touched by the amount of attention Shepard was giving her, making his concern known for every conceivable detail. Someone less altruistic would have simply kept their mouth shut and have proceeded with the sex.

"I love you, John," Tali whispered as she finally lowered herself onto him. Both human and quarian gasped as they felt themselves suddenly extend, their body and soul absorbing another host to travel through. Their joining brought forth a slew of memories of the first night they shared together, evoking old emotions of pain, pleasure, and sorrow for them both.

Operating at a maddeningly slow pace, Tali began to slide her body up and down, continuing to hold Shepard's hand to her breast. With every thrust of her body, she could not contain her joyful moans, nor could Shepard control his groans of pleasure.

The reality of the situation slowly fading away, Shepard tore his hand away from Tali's chest and slid both hands downward to gently grasp the cheeks of her rear. He rubbed at the smooth skin but Tali did not change her pace in the slightest. Every time she lowered herself further onto Shepard, she could feel a powerful throb resonate through her. It soon became difficult for her to breathe, her cracked rib preventing Tali from going any faster.

Shepard held her some more until Tali, desperate for more contact with skin, angled her upper half down a little and reached for his head. He gratefully complied, sitting up for her to throw her arms around his neck while she vigorously made out with him, all while her body maintained her set pace.

During their kissing, Tali broke away as her hips lowered once again, her pupils dilating from the immense contact. "Oh my…" she softly moaned out. "John…my love…_yes_…"

Spurred on by her vocal outbursts, Shepard began shifting his hips to her same tempo, increasing the amount of pleasure and causing her to squeal as his responses pounded within her. Fighting to control himself, he started to gasp loudly into her neck, praying for her to ease up slightly so that he could have a chance to recover.

Before he translate his hopes into words, he suddenly felt her start to slow on him, only the sound of heavy gasping coming from Tali as her chest heaved. After kissing her neck softly, he leaned back so that he could concentrate on something else, his hands gravitating towards Tali's breasts once more. However, the skin was burning hot to the touch, causing him to sit back up in alarm, worried that she had suddenly and inexplicably caught a fever within the short timeframe.

Ultimately that was not the case, for Tali was not giving any sign that she was sick, but her rhythm was gradually slowing. Sweat dripped down her face, her gasps wet and frantic. Her mouth was a grimace as it seemed like she was fighting to continue but her body was failing at every turn. It took Shepard a moment to grasp the fact that Tali had never been in such a position where her bottled emotions had been released in such a torrent before and that she had physically exhausted herself to her limit, causing her body to be pushed to the brink of shutdown.

It was evident that Tali was desperately trying to continue, fighting a losing battle over her own body as her tired muscles strained and failed. "John…" she whimpered helplessly. "John…_please_…"

Coming to her aid, Shepard gently gripped her back and turned in place once again, leaving her lying back on the bed. Her duties being completed, Shepard picked up where Tali had left off, resuming her slow pace, not letting up in the slightest as the sounds of intense breathing rose up in volume once more.

"Yes…" Tali moaned. "Yes…_ohhhh yes!_"

"Just relax, Tali. I'm here…I'm here…"

A bead of sweat dripped down Shepard's nose, perched precariously on the bridge for a few seconds. He drew himself deeper into Tali, fighting to keep himself from escalating the rhythm, knowing that the unhurried pace that had been previously set drew out the resounding pangs of intercourse, setting up the foundation for a more powerful climax.

Her hands clawed at his back, leaving red lines along his skin. Their feet tangled together as Shepard continued to thrust into the weakened quarian, being extremely careful not to exert any pressure on Tali's cracked rib.

"Yes…my dear…yes…ah…_yessss!_"

Hearing Tali's cries as well as feeling her body writhe into him was pushing Shepard closer and closer to the edge. Tali was also struggling as well, everything heaving as she fought to control her body, the pressure of an awaiting release aching upon her frame. In a last-ditch measure of desperation, she bucked and sunk her teeth into the flesh of Shepard's shoulder, trying to ease the burden placed upon her womb which strained to be set free.

Shepard gasped explosively from Tali's bite, the pain drawing him back slightly from a climax. Those precious few seconds were enough for him to match Tali's level of pleasure, moving together as one to reach the same goal. Tali was mewling loudly as each thrust pushed her body beyond sensation entirely. All feeling was replaced by tingling, her inhibitions lost to the void. She had transcended from being Tali'Zorah to being part of Shepard. She had found her missing half and everything that had been torn apart had been pieced together perfectly. In that one instant, Tali was made whole again.

"_Pleeeeeeaaaaassseeee_," she wailed, her core reaching critical temperature. Joined by Shepard's yell of relief, the pair spasmed simultaneously and both saw stars as white exploded in their vision. As the aftershocks began to subside in intensity, Tali felt the bed depress as Shepard carefully dropped to the side instead of on top of her, their bodies slick with sweat.

Tali was unable to feel her legs, her arms only registering as numb logs as she clutched at herself. Her world seemed heightened, focused, as she floated on that bed. She stared up at the ceiling, finding solace from the billions of stars surrounding them, barely able to feel the cool sheets surround her as Shepard pulled the covers of the bed over them.

Finally realizing what she had done, what had just happened, brought forth tears upon her. For months, she thought Shepard had hated her very being and that she despised him for his mistreatment of her. But within the span of a few hours, everything had come spilling out of them, shattering the misconceptions that had been erected from a series of bad decisions. What they had, what they had built and broken together, she thought could never have been repaired.

She shut her eyes in preparation to sob uncontrollably but she heard a noise beside her which beat her to the punch. Looking over, Tali was surprised to see that Shepard was crying next to her, heavy tears falling past his face as he placed a hand over to hide himself from her. John Shepard, the Savior of the Citadel, was bawling beside her, causing her to go agape at the situation.

Tali had seen Shepard cry before but never like this. His whole body was shaking with his sobs, albeit very quiet as he tried to mask his sorrow. This was a man with nothing to hide anymore, whose conscience had just been assuaged. Shepard was only a man, but a man whose absolution had finally been obtained.

A few teardrops making it past her defenses, she slid over so that she was on top of him, her naked body a warm fire in contrast to the cool sheets. With a hand, she gingerly pried Shepard's hand away so that their moist eyes could gaze fondly upon the other. It seemed like Shepard was embarrassed to be in her presence as he tried to look away, lip trembling as it looked like he would break down in front of her.

"Hey," Tali soothed as she lowered her head to kiss him. "Look at me, John. It's okay…it's okay. You don't need to cry anymore."

"But why not?" he mumbled, still unwilling to look at her. "What have I done to deserve this? To warrant your kindness? How can you be so good to me when I've brought you so much pain?"

Tali willed herself not to break down as well, lest they both fall into unintelligible sobs. "Pain is only temporary," she whispered. "But a feeling like love – _your_ love – lasts for far longer. It's how I survived, John. It's how I crawled out of that wreckage." Tali bit her lip before continuing. "I never did tell you how I made it out of there. I wanted to get to you so badly that I mustered myself out of a nightmare and climbed through hell to get back here. I'm here now for the man that I fell in love with. _You_. That man can _never_ be killed, no matter how hard he tries to hide."

Shepard's tears had stopped at this point and he even responded slightly when Tali kissed him again. His hands running along her forearms now, he gave a weak smile before frowning slightly. "_You_ saved me too, you know. I also had this nightmare and…well, it probably would sound crazy to you."

"No, it won't. I can guarantee it."

"How?"

"I can tell you how," she accentuated by poking his chest with a slender finger. "You want to know what sounds crazy? How about me seeing my father for months and months on end even though he's been long dead? Like he's a…a…hallucination or something. I can't really explain it, but it felt like he…"

"…Like he was in the same room with you as if he were alive?" Shepard finished cautiously, looking up at Tali intently.

She nodded, heart stopping at the realization that he understood perfectly. "_Yes_…exactly."

"I've had the same thing happen to me too."

"_What?_" she gasped, covering her mouth with a hand. "Who?"

"Saren," he grimaced. "I've never been able to go two days without him shouting at me all the time. It's like he was standing right beside me, feeding on my thoughts, injecting nothing but pain into my body. He was a disease, a plague, a…"

"He was whom you meant the painkillers for, wasn't it?"

He shut his eyes tightly, forcing himself not to delve into a lie this time. "No, Tali. They were meant for _you_. But what I mean is that I got them so that Saren couldn't use you against me. He tried to turn me further away from you and I couldn't get rid of him on my own. I stupidly turned towards those damned pills thinking that they would help me cope with your loss. But I was wrong, very wrong. They only made everything worse but by that time I was too doped up to even see straight. I was an addict, a junkie, I…was _weak_, Tali. I was weak…"

"It wasn't your fault, John. I probably would have done the same thing too," Tali admitted. "But access to drugs like that on the flotilla is a bit more difficult than what you had to deal with, I bet." She cracked a sheepish smile, intent on lightening the mood somewhat.

Shepard laughed nonetheless, a good sign. "Why? Was your father trying to turn you against me as well?"

She nodded, grateful that Shepard realized the pain she had been quietly suffering through without him. "He almost did. But then I realized that I didn't care what a dead man thought of me. I chose to move on without him and he hasn't bothered me since."

Shepard now wrapped his arms around Tali, hugging her as both rolled to the side. "And they can't bother us anymore, Tali. Don't you see? _We_ were the reason for their existence. But you fought your father by finding it impossible to hate me and I fought Saren because I found it impossible to hate you. They thrived over our anguish and pain, but now that everything has been fixed, they have no purpose being here. They can't hurt us ever because nothing will ever keep us apart again."

Tali rested her head on Shepard's chest, feeling it rise as he breathed in, closing her eyes as his beating heart relaxed her. Shepard kissed the top of her head as the two became wrapped in the other, their limbs a tangle of flesh.

Even though almost certain death was hours away, Tali had to concede that she was relatively unafraid at this moment. What was left in this galaxy that could tear the both of them asunder now? The Reapers had failed and they would continue to fail. They would face this threat together, they would fight it together, and if it came to it, they would die together. The prospects were bleak, but Tali was hopeful nonetheless.

Besides, she considered, if she died on the planet that Shepard called his home, then she would be grateful that the final memory of him would be of the good man that had redeemed himself in the end. In fact, she was sure that Shepard would not want it any other way.

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: All right, break's over. Now, back to work.**_

_**Damn, another tough chapter to write. But at least it looks like I'll be able to hit that 100,000 word limit before I finish up with this story. Was a bit worried for a while, there. In that regard, I'd imagine that this whole scene must have been a breath of fresh air. There was theoretically no way I could keep up all that angst for so long, right?**_

_**Heh...or CAN I?**_


	14. Epilogue: Priority Mail

London –St. Mary's Hospital

Two months later

The same thing was on every channel. With each click of the switch the vidscreen jumped to a different broadcaster, a different anchorperson, but the subject was always the same. It had been this way for a while now and there was nothing to slow the topic's momentum down any.

It was not like Garrus really wanted to hear more of the same crap anyway. He muted the screen in disgust and shifted his body on the bed, trying to get in a more comfortable position. He at least let the images flash by silently while he retrieved a data slate from his nightstand, eager to absorb something that was not detailing the events of the past year. He had lived it after all and he wasn't too keen on reliving them again.

The sun was shining brightly outside his window today, illuminating the Paddington Basin just a few blocks away. Garrus glanced outside, noting that it had been a while since he had seen the sun. For weeks on end, the Earth city of London had been completely overcast, the clouds muddying up the overall mood that had took the city by force. At least, Garrus could find some comfort from the warm rays falling upon the white bedsheets.

A large caption from the news report caught Garrus' eye but he still did not unmute the vidscreen. Rather, he stared somberly at the letters that spelled out "Reapers – Are They Gone For Good?" for a few seconds, even after they disappeared off the screen very quickly as they were replaced by a shaky-cam shot of soldiers fighting in the streets.

Garrus knew that everyone was just blindly speculating about the danger ending at this point. People were still overly cautious, and they had every right to be. But there were still too many out there who were still in disbelief that the war with the Reapers had ended so abruptly when things were at their bleakest. It was like no one expected to survive the harvest at all, perhaps finding their survival to be a fluke, a cheat. Maybe they didn't understand how they even won at all.

The turian smirked at the thought. Better to let them ponder their existence some more than have everyone squabble over resources for survival while an omnipresent synthetic species bore down on them. Garrus didn't have to guess at how this all came to pass, knowing for sure that the war was over for good. There would be no more cycles, no more harvests, nothing more. He let the galaxy mull their predicament over, but he remembered everything clear as day.

He remembered the run to that towering beam planted in the middle of the city, the light threatening to blind him from its intensity. He could feel the ash sifting into his lungs as he breathed, choking him. He could smell the stink of burning flesh as the wind blew, causing his nose to ruffle in discomfort. He could feel his muscles ache as he ran down that slope, feeling like tiny grains of glass were being crushed into his skin excruciatingly slowly. But still he ran, watching the forms of Shepard and Tali slowly pull away from him as they sprinted faster downhill.

When Garrus closed his eyes while sitting in his sunny room, he could see the Mako driving next to him down in the black basin being caught by a beam from a Reaper, the hot plasma igniting the helium-3 tank and causing it to explode with him only meters away. He had found the ground suddenly flying above him, the realization that he was being carried through the air coming at a snail's pace, as if he was too stupid to comprehend his orientation. His flesh had been burning, but it only felt like a smolder to him. He could not stand up after he landed, hearing a few dull snaps bounce through him the second he hit the cold earth. His vision was blurry and his head throbbed fiercely. His body broken, Garrus could only use his one good arm to crawl forward, but found that he could not drag his entire weight in his condition.

Through the flames springing up from the spilled fuel, Garrus saw Shepard suddenly stop and wheel about, Tali by his side, looking to see where his friend had gone. Finally making eye contact, the human had taken a few steps forward, intent on bursting through the fire to retrieve him.

But that wasn't the mission.

Before Shepard could get to Garrus, he had sat himself up as best he could and bellowed out to the human, telling him to go on without him. It was obvious that he was too banged up to continue further and that he would only slow the pair of them down. In the grand scheme of things, his survival was unimportant. Garrus did not have to vocalize any further, for Shepard knew what he had meant. Knowing that any second wasted could mean the doom for everyone, he furiously waved a hand at them, making Shepard take Tali by the arm and continue on their way. This was not abandonment, this was simply doing what was right. The mission had to be completed, no matter the cost.

Garrus had watched them go, ducking and avoiding the pieces of broken spacecraft as well as the relentless beams that the Reapers were sending out after them. But within moments, the two of them stepped into the beam and the light had eclipsed them both, presumably sending them towards the Citadel miles above their heads, bringing a smile to Garrus' face.

When a pair of marines came to haul him away, the battlefield quieting as soon as Shepard and Tali had departed, Garrus did not voice a word of protest. He had faded in and out of consciousness from his wounds, somewhat worried that he had ruptured something internally and was slowly bleeding out.

The soldiers carrying him had brought him to a small command post on the edge of a trench, where an asari medic began to look after him. The last thing he remembered was her screaming for a medivac before the entire world took on a reddish hue, electricity crackling very close as everything brightened like a fire was engulfing the entire planet. As the wave passed over, Garrus had fainted.

When he had finally awoken, the turian found himself practically mummified with bandages in a hospital. Scrapes to his face had been covered and disinfected, as well as the other injuries he had accumulated over his body. Unfortunately, that had been the mildest of the trauma he had sustained from the Mako's explosion.

Flammable gas had permeated the armor on his leg and ignited, completely burning through the nerve endings which meant he was unable to feel his limb that had been ablaze at the time. Skin grafts had been applied so that he could look somewhat more presentable in that area, but there would still be major scarring. It was all cosmetic to him, the leg still could be functional despite the slight loss of some motor control and permanent numbness from where his skin had sloughed off.

If the leg was the least of his concerns, Garrus was more stunned and saddened to note that his last finger on his right hand had snapped at an awkward angle from when he had thrust out an arm to soften his landing from the propulsion of the explosion. The nature of the injury, combined with a risk of infection meant that it had to be amputated. He remembered staring at the final two fingers on his hand, wondering if he could find a way to hold a rifle perfectly again. Sometimes his missing finger would ache in the night, a phantom pain that hurt no matter how many times he told himself that it wasn't real. But despite the fact, it still _stung_.

But the most ghastly wound he had accumulated was a singular cut located along his abdomen, running down from the top of his rib cage to the lower stomach. Garrus had to inquire on how he sustained _that_ during the fighting, wondering if he had been sliced open from a flying piece of shrapnel and he hadn't been aware of his intestines sliding out when he was crawling along the ground in his own blood. Thankfully, the truth was much simpler than that, albeit a little concerning. When Garrus had hit the ground on his side, his liver immediately began hemorrhaging internally, blood seeping into his cavity from the trauma he sustained. That was why the asari had been so insistent for a medivac, he would have expired within the next hour had he not been treated as soon as possible. The doctors at St. Mary's had expertly cut him open and performed cautery on the wound, sealing the blood vessel and saving his life. By rights, he should be lying dead on the cold ground out there, but he apparently had more life to live through now that his future was a little less bleak.

But what else was there for him to do now? Garrus knew that Shepard and Tali had never been seen once they had made it onto the Citadel. The station had been covered in explosions as soon as a heavenly red beam split the entire fabric of space, erupting from the center of the Citadel. For all he knew, he was the last person to ever lay eyes on them. The pair of them, hand in hand, sprinting towards the solution, the salvation for all life in the galaxy.

Garrus had intently watched the news for two weeks straight from his bed, praying for a sign, or just anything that could renew hope in him. The Reapers were dead, so what? He just wanted to see Shepard and Tali one more time. But his waiting was completely fruitless. Several rescue teams had scoured the location where the two most likely ended up on the station. They could not even find any bodies to definitively mark them gone. They technically could not be determined as dead, but neither was there any proof for them to be counted as alive either.

Sometime during the third week it sank in for Garrus that he was never going to see the two again. Reading the endless bulletins, combing each and every channel for a shred of their existence, doing everything he could from his cursed little room in the middle of a broken city, it all crashed down on him as a hopeless cause. There were few times when Garrus could recall that he got so emotional, but he had begun sobbing his eyes out once he had accepted the truth, pulling his bedsheets over his head to create a miniature environment for him to become lost in. Here, he could cry in relative safety, heartbroken that his friends had died and that he had lived.

Even though the few moments he had shared with Shepard since their little spat in the main battery were frosty at best, Garrus never wished a fate like this upon him. The man had some good in him, he could feel it! It was just that damnable human had been so ruined by an unfortunate series of events that he couldn't take logic at face value, showing how far the man had fallen, to Garrus' horror.

Tali, on the other hand, he loved like a sister. But the bubbly, energetic quarian he knew in the beginning had been replaced with a mournful, doubting wreck, torn between two mindsets and indecisive on which avenue she should pursue. It was rough, seeing both of them at odds like this, and his own halfhearted attempt to talk to Shepard had ended so disastrously that he had angrily decided to let it all play out without his involvement, rashly intent on watching it all crash and burn.

To his immense relief and surprise, it all seemed to work out in the end. Watching the two before the departure to London, speaking to the each other quietly and trading light touches on the other, it finally registered on Garrus that things had all gone back to normal. The knowledge that the two had died loving each other again was a silver lining that gave the whole thing a bittersweet edge. It was just so unfair that they had spent so little time together, it would have been wonderful to see what the two would do afterward, to know what they could have done with their lives outside of preparing for an otherwise futile war.

That future gradually became a dimmer prospect in Garrus' mind as he continued healing in the hospital. He would occasionally go to therapy a few times a week to regain his full range of movement in his leg and to utilize what fingers he had left on his hand properly. It was sobering work and it was the only reason that he was still tied down to this bed in this damned hospital. Thankfully, he only had a couple more weeks on the schedule and then his unemployed self would be unceremoniously deposited on the street. But that was another problem for another day.

When they were in town, his friends came to visit sometimes. Liara, Kaidan, and James had all come to his room once and they simply sat swapping stories for hours. The topics they discussed encompassed a wide range but it would very often bring up Shepard and Tali and it would always be them together. It wasn't just "Shepard" or just "Tali," it was "Shepard and Tali." They spoke reverently about them, but no one shed any tears when they were together for they had all been used up in the weeks before. No one could cry for them anymore, at least not with anyone else around. Regardless, those days did wonders for Garrus' overall mood, giving him the knowledge that people he cared about were alive and well, and that they fiercely cared for him. It was a good motivator for him to stick through his torturous therapy and walk out of here with his chin high and proud.

Garrus' stomach rumbled, snapping him out of his reminiscence. He sighed before taking note of the chronometer in the corner of the still-live vidscreen. Ignoring the weather report that was going on at the moment, he was surprised to see that it was the early afternoon and that he had completely slept through the morning…and breakfast.

His meals were delivered to his room as any excess movement would put undue strain on his leg, not that he had a particular hurry to rush to the front of the line anyway. Hospital food, no matter the location, always tasted like crap. It was ironic to him that a place dedicated to caring for its patients would supply them with tasteless drivel that only krogans could keep down. He wondered if there was a dextro joint nearby that did delivery, he could go for a tasty shellfish right about now.

On cue, the door opened, causing Garrus to turn in anticipation. _Joy of joys. It must be lunchtime_. He waited until the person entering had moved past the curtain that wrapped around his bed and obscured the view of the doorway.

He blinked as the red uniform of a postal worker clashed fiercely with the pure white garb of the hospital. The human had a big grin on his face as he passed Garrus a slate and a stylus, placing a thick yellow envelope on the stand next to him.

Garrus hefted the slate and the stylus in his hands apprehensively. "What exactly do I do with these?" he raised an eyebrow at the postman.

The human blinked in surprise. "Err…you _sign_ for the package, sir."

"_Sign?_ Why do I have to sign something? Am I going to be charged for simply receiving a package?"

The postman blanched. "Why…_no_ sir. It's just an acknowledgement that you've received the package and that we don't hold liability for it anymore."

"All right," Garrus shrugged before struggling to put his signature on the glass surface, his two fingers fumbling with the stylus. Giving up with trying to make it look neat, he passed the slate back to the postman. "What, you guys don't have package dispensers in this building at all? You just deliver them by hand here?"

"No bloody dispensers in _this_ city," the postman puffed out his chest proudly. "We like to hold on to our traditions as long as possible, thank you very much. So far, it hasn't been all bollocksed up to the point where it's completely inefficient."

"Not too concerned about how primitive the system seems compared to the rest of the civilized worlds?"

"Not if you consider it to be an honor, lad. Then it becomes a respectable profession as well as a necessary department for bettering peoples' lives. Plus, this is a little more personal than simply shoving a package down a filthy chute, wouldn't you say?"

Unable to come up with an immediate argument, Garrus snatched the package and looked down at the information. In an untidy scrawl, someone had scribbled "_Garrus Vakarian_" on it but failed to provide any return information. Garrus glanced at the date stamped in the corner and squinted a bit in confusion before turning back to the elated postman.

"The date on this thing was stamped a month ago. How come I didn't receive it then?"

"Bloody ungrateful fellow you are," the mustachioed human chuckled lightly. "I don't suppose _you_ could bring an entire postal department back in working order after a race of machines practically obliterated every foundation from here to Timbuktu. We may be the best post service on this planet, but that doesn't mean that we're miracle workers." He smiled at that. "Although, we certainly try to be twenty-four seven."

Garrus blinked in confusion. "Twenty-four seven…what?"

The postman dramatically slapped his forehead. "Aw bloody hell, I forgot you weren't a human for a second. Sorry 'bout that. It just means twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Of course, there's no post on Sundays so I'd have to amend that expression in my case slightly-"

"Uh-huh," Garrus said in disinterest. "But how can a parcel such as this be lost in postal limbo for an entire month?"

"Well, you have the construction crews trying to rebuild all the parcel stations, so that will cause some confusion as they have to move things around to get all the equipment in place. Also, you have to take into account that the government gets the highest priority as they try to piece together what's been left over. And don't even get me started on how the Reapers trashed almost _all_ of our vehicles, leaving us only seven trucks which requires us to do all the rest on foot-"

"Okay," Garrus conceded. "I'd guess some delays would be unavoidable. I'm sorry, it's just that I've been cooped up in this room for so long that I've lost track of time." He felt around the package, looking down on it once again. "But…thank you. Thanks for the mail."

"It's our job, sir," the postman beamed, wisely offering his left hand to shake to which Garrus accepted, relieved that the human took note of his maimed right hand. "After all that's happened, perhaps we can be those miracle workers the city needs us to be. You get better soon, Mr. Vakarian. Damn good job you did out there."

When the man had left, Garrus whispered to himself, "_Mr. Vakarian_." He grinned, liking the sound of it, wondering if his future would require people to address him like that from now on. In any case, it was time to see exactly what he had got. Two months here and this was the only scrap of mail that he had received outside of an electronic message. He was rather curious at the moment.

The top seal tore easily from his sharp finger, the yellow paper making a satisfying tearing noise. He then upended the package and spilled the small object into his awaiting hand, careful not to drop it.

But as soon as the item lay still on his hand, Garrus' eyes widened in shock. The blue glass of the eyepiece glinted back up at him, awaiting a host, searching for its master. Garrus knew this was no ordinary eyepiece, though. This was _his_ eyepiece.

_How…how can this be?_ he thought frantically, his hand clasping over his eye just to make sure he was not wearing it.

It wasn't possible, was his initial thinking. Why was his eyepiece in a package? Who put it there?

Garrus searched hard through the depths of his mind to discover the reality of the situation. It came to light that he realized that he hadn't been wearing his eyepiece for weeks before the mission to Earth. But why would he forget something like that? How could he not notice that his eyepiece had been missing from his head for that long unless-

Unless it had become dislodged in a fight so upsetting that he had blocked the memory of it out completely. That punch that Shepard threw, the first one of that night, had sent the eyepiece clattering underneath his weapons bench, never to be seen again as he had feared it had been lost through the grating, into the mechanism of the battery.

But what if it hadn't slipped through the grating? What if someone had picked it up and kept it for themselves? But the only person who knew about that encounter so intimately was…Shepard.

A few tears leaked out of Garrus' eyes, unable to stop them this time. He shut his eyes bitterly but they still seeped through the cracks, spilling onto the sheets as he helplessly held the eyepiece in his hands, his mental state deteriorating with each second. He slowly started lowering his head as he started to sob, torn up by this pathetic piece of glass.

Willing himself to breathe, the air rushed into his lungs and halted the flow of hot tears. The cool sensation that flowed through him felt good and he inhaled deeply again. Garrus clasped a hand over his mouth before moving it over his eyes, rubbing them dry. He sat like this for a few more minutes, not hungry anymore, with only questions fueling him right now as he fought to keep his hands from trembling.

A soft knock at the door made him jump. "Go away," he croaked out, too quiet for anyone else to hear. As the door quietly slid open, he raised his volume to a low growl. "I said _go away!_ Just…leave me alone, okay?"

The curtains to his right parted and he instinctively looked away, not wanting to acknowledge the hospital staff that had barged so rudely into his room. But as he tried to focus on something outside his window, a pair of arms gently wrapped themselves around him, followed by warmth as a body pressed up against him in an awkward hug. _This_ was certainly odd. No member of the staff had been this touchy-feely on him before. Maybe it was an intern.

Slightly annoyed, he turned his head after the hug had ended to bark at his intruder for the unprofessional breach in conduct before clamping his jaw shut, almost biting part of his tongue off. Standing above him, arms wrapped around the other's waist, Shepard and Tali beamed at him, looking positively happy as they reveled in seeing the shocked turian gape back. A lump caught in Garrus' throat, his eyes widened, and the eyepiece slipped from his fingers to land on the soft blanket.

Tali, bursting with joy, bounced on her toes before giddily going back in to hug Garrus again. This time, Garrus numbly responded, barely registering him pat her back awkwardly. Her visor sharply dug into his shoulder but he didn't care about the pain. Tali was laughing and crying at the same time, tightening her hold on Garrus as Shepard chuckled from her actions, quickly walking around to the other side of the bed so that he could look at both of them clearly.

_How…how…?_

Shepard leaned forward and patted Garrus' shoulder. The human actually seemed…_happier_. To see him here, alive and at peace with himself and Tali, further made Garrus question whether this was too good to be true. Rubbing Tali's back at the same time he took Garrus' hand in a brotherly lock, Shepard smiled. "Hope _this_ wasn't too erratic for you this time, buddy. You doing all right?"

Garrus could only shake his head in disbelief.

"You son of a bitch."

* * *

><p><strong>An Interval of Calamity<strong>

* * *

><p><em><strong>AN: Well, you made it through. You've finished what had to be the most challenging and rewarding story I've ever tackled. I'm kind of sad knowing that it's over now, actually. Hopefully this ended in a direction that made the most sense for you guys (after one last little piece of misdirection, of course).**_

_**I can safely say that I will not make a story with as much angst as An Interval of Calamity ever again. I believe that I've touched all avenues that I could do so in a safe but gripping manner. Further descriptions for why I made the decisions in this story will come when I release my author's notes in the next day or two. With that, I will also reveal the title and some information for the next story that I have planned on the horizon. I just hope that everything can come together as smoothly as it did for this story.**_

_**In total, what did you think of this story? I would have to say that, in terms of a per-chapter view, it's been my most popular story thus far. I've enjoyed witnessing everyone's reaction to every horrifying and exciting plot point that I printed on the screen. At times, you guys really did make me feel like an evil maniac. Feel free to indicate what your favorite part was as well as some gripes you may have had. I always keep an ear out for constructive criticism and I make sure to listen to each and every one of you. Your support is what counts the most.**_

_**A big thank you goes to readers Silhouette55, rangersleadtheway, Archont, and ArchReaperN7 for sticking all the way with this story as well as for providing some rewarding conversations. Couldn't keep up the evil streak for long, now could I?**_

_**And finally, thanks to everyone who read through An Interval of Calamity, for your participation and feedback is the only reason why I continue to do what I do. You keep reading, I'll keep writing! Thank you so much!**_

_**-Rob "Twisted Abomination of a Human Being" Sears**_


	15. Author's Notes

Well, this was certainly a huge shift coming off of _Postlude, _wasn't it? Going from super fluffy to super angsty was a tricky maneuver, by no stretch of the means, but I feel confident that I managed to pull it off without any major setbacks. Certainly, this was probably my toughest story to write, not just from a prose standpoint, but how much hurt I gave these characters. Believe me, there were some days where I was wondering if I was getting too dark with my writing…and then invariably some nutcase on this site would show up with some bizarre and totally unwarranted account about our favorite characters, making my fears entirely pointless.

I can definitely say that the initial inspiration for this story came from _Absence of the Heart_ by The Sneaky Fox. Since that story went on hiatus some months ago, I decided to take a crack at the concept of having Shepard and Tali despise each other (leaving the forced marriage aspect safely behind) and see if I could avoid any negative publicity by trying to make all of the choices I wrote seem as rational as possible.

I think that by taking my time to write each chapter instead of blindly pushing through them one at a time helped my writing immensely. Also, I managed to create a much more developed conflict between Shepard and Tali when my previous iterations have been more flat and stale. Make no mistake, I felt that this was much better written than my previous works.

**Chapter 1:**

It took me a good long while to come up with a suitable reason for our two main characters to blindly hate each other. It must have taken me about a good hour before I could finally shape my outline around the concept, it was that difficult.

As sort of a nod to the _Max Payne _series, I wanted to experiment with the concept of Shepard taking painkillers to alleviate the loss of Tali in this story, touching on the topic of addiction. In the way, this proved to be a blessing because taking the drugs gave a good explanation of how Shepard's ability to make rational decisions throughout this story was so nullified, extending the conflict and thereby avoiding the cliché of acting like a child, because those drugs were _supposed_ to make him act that way. It helped as a descriptor for why Shepard was behaving more renegade instead of a straight paragon in this case.

Also, I personally love the idea of mental demons coming to torment people in stories. It helps give us a better sense of who the characters really are underneath and their battles become more personal and more tragic. Saren was Shepard's most direct rival and I wanted him to be the one to share in the commander's torment. It was also a good way for me to describe Shepard's current train of thought to the audience instead of having text bubbles pop up on the screen. I think that this was a better alternative.

As per my usual methodology, I get a lot of inspiration from listening to music when trying to construct certain scenes. I find it to be really helpful with my writing and I like sharing the specific pieces that I based my work on in order to set the appropriate mood.

Playlist:

Calamity Main Titles: "April, 1945" by Steven Price from the film _Fury_. The chanting vocals in the background give a creepy vibe and do well representing the voices in Shepard's head.

Tali Leaves: "Inferno" by Hans Zimmer from the film _Rush_. I think that the intense strings and electronics bring a dark and brooding edge to the scene.

**Chapter 2:**

I didn't go into too much detail over most of the missions because I either didn't know how to make them different in a way that would affect the overall story and also because I had already detailed them in a previous story a few months ago. I decided to streamline them extensively and apparently no one minded.

In addition to showing that Shepard was pretty much lost to drink and pills, I used the opportunity to introduce Tali and have her internal demon laid out to the audience. Since she had been living in her father's shadow for most of her life, I had a last minute idea to use Rael as her tormentor. This in turn gave a different sort of conflict than the Shepard-Saren one. Here, it was a daughter trying not to disappoint her father after her emotions had been so thoroughly shattered.

The next few chapters, on the other hand, would be effectively Tali-less which would mean that I suffered more boredom when writing them. Glad I stuck with it, otherwise I wouldn't have been more motivated from the audience's shock and horror.

Playlist:

Saren Speaks: "Fabiana" by HEALTH from the video game _Max Payne 3_. HEALTH's score to that game is a very trippy experience that tries to emulate the effect of drugs on the brain. No way I couldn't let that influence my choices in this story.

**Chapter 3:**

Case in point, it's really hard in trying to make a scene that had been covered in countless fics before unique. I just mustered through Tuchanka, bumped off Mordin, and gave some more time for Shepard to spend with Saren.

I'd say more but there isn't really anything else I can elaborate on in this chapter.

Playlist:

Shoot Mordin: "Cordis Die" by Jack Wall from the video game _Call of Duty: Black Ops II_

**Chapter 4:**

Tali's conversation with Rael was meant to hammer in the point of her hating Shepard so that the audience would feel that there was a definite rift between the two. Of course, I sprinkled in some doubt to give readers a glimmer of hope, which I guess means that I operated by the Bane standard of torturing people by poising their soul by feeding them hope. Oops?

This chapter would have been nothing special but I did introduce the concept of soldiers using exoskeletons in this story. I'm sure they seemed rather unnecessary at the time, but considering the potential they had, I was going to utilize them to the fullest but I had to present the idea to you guys so that it wouldn't seem so forced when the crucial moment came.

Playlist:

Battle With the Exos: "Stahl Arms – The Icesaw Chase" by Joris de Man from the video game _Killzone 3_

**Chapter 5:**

Ho ho! Oh man, I'm actually quite envious of all of you because, having planned out the story beforehand, I will never have gotten to know just how downtrodden this story made you feel. Based on some of the reviews I got, I legitimately felt that I was making people cry (itself perhaps an exaggeration) which in turn made me laugh like a sadist.

I guess that was because I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter for it brought Shepard and Tali back in contact with the other, with some inevitable friction, naturally. And I relished the chance by having you all think I was going to make Shepard (him, mainly) go into rebound with that other girl. I did warn you about the heart attacks didn't I?

There are just some things regarding Shepard and Tali romances that are off limits to all but the most talented of writers (of which I certainly do not qualify). A few examples of what would be considered taboo is that you do not have Shepard beat Tali (itself including rape), kill her (a given), or rebound on her. I intentionally made it seem like Shepard was going to have sex with another woman but I made certain to pull out (heh…heh) at the last moment, saving myself from your ire. (Perhaps it was a jab?)

I say again, I will be envious of the roller coaster of emotions that some of you described that I was unable to feel. That's probably the biggest downside of writing, everything's spoiled for you.

Playlist:

Frosty Meeting: "Good Lord Indeed, Mr. David" by Matteo Zingales, Michael Lira, and Andrew Lancaster from the film _The Hunter._

Club/Shepard Refuses Rachael: "Hammer" by Clint Mansell from the film _Drive_.

**Chapter 6:**

Well, I said that you couldn't have Shepard beat up Tali, but in no way did I say that he couldn't beat up Garrus. As the drugs amplify unstable emotions, I wanted to have Shepard start lashing out at more people, namely his best friend on the ship. I'm not sure if that sort of thing has been attempted before by another author so I'm just going to remain mum on its exclusivity for now (it probably isn't.)

And, of course, Shepard _almost_ hitting Tali was a direct reference to the rule that I had set in place. It helped as a reminder that I was not willing to take the story to that sort of extreme, which would probably have been a seriously bad idea if I had gone through with it. Come on, did you really think that I would let Shepard hit Tali? I mean, it's _Tali_ we're talking about here.

Playlist:

Shepard Talks With/Hits Garrus: "Heat" by Brian Tyler from the video game _Far Cry 3_.

Tali Confronts Shepard: "Wardaddy" by Steven Price from the film _Fury_.

**Chapter 7:**

I didn't change much for the Rannoch arc, other than Tali was the one to prevent the geth or the quarians from being annihilated. I thought that I hadn't given Tali much to do thus far and wrote the part for her to be the one to make the fateful decision. I believe it was a nice way to further develop her arc and let Shepard step aside so that he wouldn't be the focus at that point.

After that, the rest of the chapters would be a little more original in terms of content (well…mostly) so I was happy I at least got to significantly change one thing for this mission.

Playlist:

Dreadnought: "The Vex" by Martin O'Donnell and Michael Salvatori from the video game _Destiny_.

Tali Talks the Admirals Down: "Emma" by Steven Price from the film _Fury_. I personally love this piece to death and it has a nice romantic appeal that is definitely deserving of Tali.

**Chapter 8:**

This chapter was more or less a setup for the next one, simply taking the time for Shepard and Tali to calm down after the events on Rannoch. I didn't want to jump into the next scene so soon because I wanted the characters to breathe for a chapter so that their future can be hinted upon, mercilessly teasing the audience with a happy ending.

…And then the next chapter came along, thoroughly derailing that notion.

Playlist:

A Tense Recollection Between Old Lovers: "See You in Four" by Cliff Martinez from the film _Drive_.

**Chapter 9:**

Having Tali introduce herself in this chapter was probably the most satisfying thing that I wrote in this story. By having her punch Rachael's lights out gave her a more badass edge that I continued to draw from her in subsequent chapters.

And then the Thessia arc came. Just to clarify, yes the whole sequence was intended as an homage to _Razor's Edge_ and that I definitely was aware of it once writing. But I personally feel that I changed enough of the situation to make it feel like less of a rip-off by switching the locale, the enemies, and hell, the character affected. In any case, having Shepard believe Tali was dead was a good catalyst for him to abandon his feigned hatred for Tali, allowing him to tell her how he really felt. It seemed like an appropriate way to end the stupid conflict, but added a new one with their separation when Tali fell to the bottom of the temple. Which was probably a good decision because my original outline had Shepard falling down rather than Tali. Then I'd wager the plagiarism accusations would be more warranted.

And…oh, man. The outcry…the pure horror coming from all of you thinking that I had killed Tali. It…was… _glorious_. All of your reactions were simply brilliant which made me realize that I firmly had your attention, thereby putting more pressure on me not to screw anything up. I hope that you weren't disappointed at the very least.

Playlist:

Thessia Battle/Fall: "Tiger Battle" by Steven Price from the film _Fury_. Just listen to this piece and I think you'll find its intense and frantic nature suitable for the scene written. Damn, if only I knew how to compose music…

**Chapter 10:**

I think you guys actually cared more about Tali being alive than Shepard fighting off indoctrination…

All joking aside, I love the concepts of battles in the mind. It allows me to be a little more elaborate and inventive with how the characters react, giving us a little more insight into Shepard and Tali. It was intense, writing the both of them stave off their demons and resisting the temptation of indoctrination. I wanted to have a better explanation for why their figures were manifesting themselves that wasn't due to a "broken mind." Since indoctrination was a viable concept, I decided to use it for my own purposes. One could say that it is taking a leaf out of the Indoctrination Theory, but only a very small one. Besides, it had little to no bearing on the actual ending being a dream or not. What mattered at the moment was what was happening with Shepard and Tali right now.

Reader rangersleadtheway helpfully reminded me of the picture's existence when I had blotted it from my memory. Rather than have a stupid photo be revealed to the reader, I thought a video message might be more touching. It made more sense than that blasted picture ever did…

Now that I'm looking back, I would have liked to include a few more scenes involving Tali's mother as I feel that has the potential for several interesting confrontations, given Rael's soreness of the subject. Ah well, maybe one of you can take a crack at it. I'm doubtful I'll get to it.

But…on a scale from 1 to 10, how relieved were you at Tali being alive?

Playlist:

Departing the Indoctrinated Dream: "Stay" by Hans Zimmer from the film _Interstellar_. As soon as I saw this film, I knew that this piece would be perfect for the dream sequence I had planned. Hopefully you agree.

Tali Wakes: "Relic of Hope" by Martin O'Donnell and Michael Salvatori from the video game _Destiny_.

**Chapter 11:**

Wow, I sure threw a lot of shit at Tali this go-around, huh?

But this was only the start of her badass streak, showing that Tali's not around this story to stand in the corner and cry. I hate the trope of the helpless female and I wanted to make sure that Tali gets some excellent moments in there. Just having her slit a few throats, brutally stab people, and do it all whilst severely injured doesn't seem like a far stretch for her character. We all know that if Tali wants something done, she is committed to the full.

Playlist:

Tali Climbs Out: "Resurrection" by John Debney from the film _The Passion of the Christ_. Yeah, yeah, it's an unsubtle pairing but I just wanted to use something other than Hans Zimmer's music for _The Dark Knight Rises_. This is a more than suitable alternative.

**Chapter 12:**

Ah-ha! _Now_ you know why I included exoskeletons in this story.

Tali storming the Cerberus base by herself made sense, although she'd be severely outgunned if it was just her in her current state. To have her toting an exoskeleton made her hell on two legs, taking into account that they possess the armaments of a modern day tank crammed into a small area. I would've loved to have seen _that_ happen in the games.

Makes you wonder what concepts they have planned for Mass Effect 4.

Playlist:

Tali Arrives Armored: "The Final Battle Begins" by Tyler Bates from the film _Guardians of the Galaxy._

Shepard's Turn with the Turret: "Tears" by HEALTH from the video game _Max Payne 3_. I'd encourage you to look up the lyrics and tell me that they don't describe Shepard's state of mind perfectly. The haunting vocals about letting go loved ones kind of seems sinister if you consider that to be the voice of indoctrination.

Kai Leng's Final Act: "Max: Finale" by HEALTH from the video game _Max Payne 3_. The distorted chords continue, making this one battle very tense.

**Chapter 13:**

I just have to say this: I'm done writing any more of these scenes.

Yes, I realize that there is a perfectly logical reason for Shepard and Tali having sex at this point in the story, it makes a certain amount of sense. However, I don't want to be tied down thinking that I have to include at least one of these damn scenes in every story that I write. I will state that I'm going to do my next project without any extended depictions of sex whatsoever.

Sorry about that, it's just that I'm tired of writing scenes like this, even when they turn out to be perfectly fine. I mean, it's not like this one was particularly graphic compared to what could have been written. It certainly was a little more raw than anything I've ever written and it certainly did its designed purpose in showing that Shepard and Tali are back together again. But it was at this point that I felt that I didn't think that I could do this another time.

…But it _was_ a relief to get back to the fluff.

Playlist:

Confirmation: "Solace" by Neil Davidge from the video game _Halo 4_.

**Epilogue:**

My outline for this final chapter went through a complete rewrite near the end as I was unsure of how I wanted to approach the topic. My first draft still focused on Garrus but it would have begun with him standing at Shepard and Tali's graves. He would have had a one-sided conversation with the headstones and Shepard and Tali could have served as Garrus' own demons, but comforting him instead of tormenting him.

This was bad for a few reasons in that I found myself asking more questions than I could answer when the time to write this approached, and also the existence of Shepard and Tali as ghosts to Garrus made no sense when it had been previously established that any manifestations were a result of Reaper indoctrination so they shouldn't have been able to exist _after_ they were destroyed. Plus, I had also planned to have Garrus find his eyepiece somewhere in the graveyard but I could never find a suitable situation to accomplish that. In the end, I changed the setting and the resulting chapter unintentionally ended up as sort of a nod to _You Came Back to Me._

The reason why I ended the story here instead of describing the final battle was simple. All throughout _An Interval of Calamity_, the Reapers weren't the main villain, Shepard and Tali were. Theirs was the conflict that was the focus of the story in that nothing else mattered, the war just served as a backdrop in this situation. Also, I didn't want to describe the confrontation in the Citadel for a _third_ freaking time. Twice is enough, guys. I'd be tearing my hair out otherwise.

But by doing this, I still left some questions unanswered that were left that way when I cut the epilogue off when I did. My own personal take on the situation on why Shepard and Tali were never found is that they survived the explosion on the Citadel, used the chaos of the war to escape to a quiet location and spent the last two months healing their broken relationship further. To add more detail, I frankly don't think it matters. Is it a little jarring? I'd probably concede your point, but I didn't want to have an ending where everything was nicely wrapped up, seeing as this story was super dark for the majority and to have everything resolved would have been a little too convenient, a little too hopeful. This way, you're left wanting more, but can still feel content knowing that the main conflict has been resolved.

But, that's my interpretation and you're certainly allowed to have another. I just hope that the entire presentation was cohesive and enjoyable for all of you to sit through.

Playlist:

Hospital Bed: "Norman" by Steven Price from the film _Fury_.

Credits (Reprise): "Tears" by HEALTH from the video game _Max Payne 3._

Calamity Suite: "Advanced Soldier Overture" by Harry Gregson-Williams from the video game_ Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare._

* * *

><p>So, with <em>Interval of Calamity<em> now finished, I will take about a month to relax, as Christmas is coming around the corner, before I start off on my next project. Before I go on, you can now find me on Xbox Live (now that I've got a One) putzing around on _Destiny_, _GTA V_, or _Halo: MCC_ if you want to hang out (Gamertag: SpyreTZ). I'll be spending a little time catching up on all the video games I've missed by writing this damn thing, grabbing a few more ideas along the way.

For my next outing, I'm going to be tackling the period between ME1 and ME2 to serve as the setting, a timeframe I have not written for, thus far. This will be more AU but it will still feature Shepard and Tali as the main characters (although their relationship won't be as heavily developed due to the timing of the story…maybe as just a really good friendship?)

The story will feature the two heroes fighting for survival on a dangerous planet in the middle of their mission to track down the last of the geth forces after the attack on the Citadel (before Shepard gets spaced). They will be cut off from the Normandy, all alone on a planet where everything wants to kill them. I will also be creating a new villain, one who is going to be very, very nasty. This new bad guy, if my initial planning is to be believed, will certainly be one of the most sinister and dastardly villains I've written thus far, and I'm rather exited to develop more of him.

I'm keeping this relatively vague as I don't want to spoil anything…and partly because I haven't written an outline yet (and maybe to prevent myself from overhyping this thing). But rest assured, production should commence next month once the holiday festivities have calmed down. Unless stated otherwise, prepare for **The Disengaged** to debut then.

Thank you once again for reading _An Interval of Calamity_ and I'll see you when I see you. It was my pleasure.

-Rob


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