Naruto 1. It Pays to Have Duplicates

Disclaimer: I own none of the Naruto characters and am simply borrowing Masashi Kishimoto's fabulous creations for my own entertainment. I would also like to credit Rel-Kaida and firefly (to name a few) for my love of this Crack pairing, if you haven't already, go read their work! Any similarities to existing ideas, plots or stories are purely unintentional. If there is a problem, please PM me and I will sort it out as quickly as possible.

Author's Note: This is a story I began working on a few years ago and have only recently returned to. I apologize for any awkward writing, mistakes or general OOC character development. Constructive criticism and encouragement are always appreciated. All I ask is that if you have to make a negative comment, ensure that it assists in the development of my writing.

Rated M for language, just to be on the safe side.

Temari was pissed. No, scratch that, she was beyond pissed.

Murderous would be a far more appropriate description of how she was currently feeling. Not only had the truck driver called to say he wouldn't be arriving in town till well after midnight, a whole two days after the arranged delivery time, but her _darling_ brothers had bailed on her while she was dragging _their_ ridiculously heavy suitcases upstairs to their bedrooms. They had even been so kind as to unload the remaining boxes from the car and leave them in the middle of the driveway for her to unpack.

She was most definitely beyond pissed.

What would possess her to do this for them you might ask? Quite frankly she was asking herself the very same question.

Hauling the first of the boxes up the front step, Temari slid it to rest on her hip as she went to open the door.

"Damn it all to hell!" The door was locked. Why the hell was the door locked? With a frustrated scream Temari preceded to drop kick the box off the front step where it landed with a curious crack. "The one time the idiots actually remember to lock the door behind them," Temari grimaced as she sat down massaging her temples. It was ok; she could deal with this…

Taking a deep breath and standing up again Temari began to pace back and forth on the front lawn. "I have plenty of time to deal with the 'Putz' and 'Sunshine in a strait-jacket' when they get home." Now to assess the situation, her purse with the one set of house keys and her cell phone was on the kitchen counter… No real point in calling her brothers to yell at them anyhow. They were all effectively locked out. While kicking Kankuro's box of doll stuff yet again was appealing it wasn't exactly constructive.

First things first, get the boxes out of the driveway where they wouldn't be visible and would pose less of a temptation. To whom she had no idea, but better safe than sorry. Dragging the remainder of the boxes into the back yard Temari then began to walk the perimeter of the house hoping by some freak chance that she had left a window open, or at least unlocked.

"Well, shit..." No such luck. Onto Plan B: forced entry. She was after all a trained professional… How hard could it be to break into her own house?

The front and back doors were steel and all the lower windows had just recently been replaced. She hated to do any damage to them. "Wait a second! Upstairs hasn't been done yet!" While the main floor and basement of the house had been renovated the upstairs had remained untouched as of yet. Walking around the house yet again Temari began to look for a spot with half decent hand and footholds near a window.

"Hmmm nothing close to a window, but if I could climb up that spruce tree and get onto the roof I should be able to lean over the edge to break the bathroom window." Looking up at the sky Temari realized she had to hurry if she didn't want to be up on the roof in the dark. The last thing she needed was a fractured skull. Rubbing her hands together Temari then began to climb. It was a slow and sticky process. She had sap in her hair, all over her clothes and it was getting darker by the minute. "I'm totally slipping laxatives into their food later," she grumbled. "No, better yet, I'm putting Nair in their shampoo!"

Temari finally got herself level with the roof where she was able to quickly make a dive for the edge before the branch gave out underfoot. Working her way to the opposite side of the house she was hanging upside down and ready to smash the window when she heard a grating voice call out below her.

"Hey bitch! I think some people may call that breaking and entering!" Startled Temari yelped and nearly lost her grip. Looking down... or rather up as her situation might entail… Temari spotted a young man with slicked back white hair and a 'shit-eating' grin.

"I actually own the house so there really isn't any need to be concerned, but thank you anyway," she smiled through gritted teeth all the while repeating in her head that it wouldn't pay to make enemies with her new neighbours. "I locked the keys in the house and haven't had the chance to make a spare set yet."

"Really," he drawled, "let's pretend I believe you hag. Do you actually have any proof of said ownership?"

"No. That would be in the house with the keys," she snarled. This bastard was pulling the last thread of Temari's seriously fractured patience.

"Not that it really matters anyway," he continued while examining his nails, "I've already called the cops." At this point twilight had set in and there was a distant echo of sirens that seemed to be drawing closer. "Either way it'll be entertaining as hell to watch you try to explain yourself!" This statement was followed by an abrupt bark of laughter. Temari went cold and then hot with rage as she watched this insufferable ass mock her.

"Why you stupid son of a...," she yelped again as her grip slipped on the roof and she had to scramble to get into a less precarious position.

"Uh uh ah, language sweetheart," he laughed as his grin only continued to get wider. Temari was suddenly distracted by the slamming of a set of car doors as two police officers approached with hands on their side arms. "Well, it's been... fun, but I'll just get out of the way so these upstanding gentlemen can do their jobs." The ass practically _pranced_ towards what she assumed was his front porch.

Before Temari could retaliate she was being ordered down by the officers, hand-cuffed and ushered into the back of the squad car. Temari did make an attempt to explain to the officers what had happened, but the snarky one with toxic green eyes immediately left to talk to the dead man walking while his forgettable partner was talking to dispatch and ignoring her completely. Could her night get any worse?!

Three hours later Temari had managed to straighten out the misunderstanding down at the precinct and finally got a hold of Gaara to come pick her up. She hadn't even started on the job yet and the whole precinct already knew about the idiot newbie who got herself arrested only a few short weeks after graduating from the Academy. Temari was just thankful that the Chief had a sense of humour or she could have found herself fired before she even started!

Pulling into the driveway she saw Kankuro waiting on the front step grinning like a maniac. Gaara was at least managing to keep his amusement under wraps; although, he was a 'special' case. Gaara smiling usually necessitated a 'duck and cover' reflex.

As she got out of the car Kankuro opened his mouth to speak, but Temari quickly cut him off before he could even get started, " Not a word, not one word!" she growled. Stopping abruptly to stare at the broken lock on the front door she sighed, "I see you managed to get the door open."

"And I was a helluva a lot more subtle then you were," Kankuro crowed.

"Yeah well our neighbour's an ass. I swear he knew I lived here the whole time, but sadistic bastard that he is just wanted to make my life even more miserable!" Gaara chose this moment to add his two cents.

"You can't know that for sure," his voice was apathetic, "oh the driver for the moving company called again while you were...out. He's still waiting on some part from the garage and said he might be a little longer than he last estimated." That was the straw that broke the camel's back. Temari let loose and indulged in rather loud, not to mention creative, tirade full of anatomically impossible suggestions regarding the truck driver and their oh so helpful new neighbour.

Around eleven the next morning Temari was drinking tea on the front porch when the Ten Plagues personified decided to make his presence known. "Looks like the justice system could use a little work. Did they let you out early on good behaviour? Or did you find a way to bribe them? Was it money or something a little more...creative...?"

"Listen you irritating little cretin," she cut in, "I've had about all of your bull that I can take and if you don't make yourself scarce in the next few minutes things are going to start getting ugly..."

"Oooh the bitch has bite," he laughed, "careful sugartits; you might just start something you can't finish."

"You started it," Temari ground out around clenched teeth, "and you're the one who should be careful or you may find out what a _bitch_ I can really be!" The young man had turned his back on her and began walking away before Temari could finish her threat, which only served to infuriate her even more.

"Those are big words! I'd like to see if you could actually back them up," he continued to laugh raucously at her as he sauntered away.

"Oh you will see," she hissed as she watched to see which house he entered. Temari's scowl was gradually replaced with a smirk as she began to formulate a suitable revenge.


	2. Reactive Behaviour Leads to Trouble

_**Disclaimer:** I own none of the Naruto characters and am simply borrowing the works of Masashi Kishimoto. Any similarities to existing ideas, plots or stories are purely unintentional. If there is a problem, please PM me and I will sort it out as quickly as possible._

_**Author's Note**: Further inspiration from aspects of this fic are derived from green-see-through-ghosts. If you have the chance, check out some of the many highly talented authors in my favourites. Also, if there are any suggestions for making the characters a little less OOC please let me know. Enjoy!_

_**Hidan's POV**_

Hidan had three days left of vacation (i.e. suspension without pay) before he had to return to work and was determined to enjoy every last minute of it. Spotting his delightfully entertaining new neighbour through his kitchen window, Hidan watched as she prodded and hunted the random boxes haphazardly arranged in her backyard. She was still wearing the rumpled clothing from the evening before and she appeared to be gripping a pair of nail scissors like they were a life-line. Her sour expression worsened as she continued to search through the mess in her back yard.

"Doesn't look like the dumb bitch's day is getting any better… Let's see how long it takes her to crack," he sniggered to himself. Stretching languidly as he closed the sliding glass door behind him, Hidan took the five easy steps towards the hose and faucet near the driveway, quickly twisting the tap on. Crossing his arms, he leaned against the side of the house and grinned as he cocked his head to the side. "And in 3, 2, 1…"

Nothing happened.

Scowling, he leaned down to check that the water was on. 'The hell… Maybe the connection was loose… Or that water wasn't turned up high enough…?' Hidan's scowl was quickly darkening.

"Seriously?! What the fuck is wrong with this thing…?" He leaned closer when he heard the metallic groan. The sound continued until the pressure in the hose became too much. The connection burst and the water launched the bit of metal, rubber and icy water directly into Hidan's nose. He yelped as he stumbled backwards and planted his unmentionables directly on the recently defunct metal sprinkler.

Temari jerked her head up at the masculine-_ish_ howl of pain from where she was trying to saw through the packing tape of a well packed box with her nail scissors. She turned her head just in time to see her jackass neighbour hopping around his backyard clutching his dangly bits in agony as blood streamed from his nose.

"Damn! I certainly didn't expect that to work quite so quickly or be quite so effective…" she snorted. "I almost feel bad about his front lawn. Almost." Temari moved a little closer to the fence to get a better look when she saw the fuming man pick up the hose and sprinkler to see what went wrong. 'Uh oh, the dumbass was checking the end of the hose…' It only took 5 seconds for him to process the disconnected sprinkler and the hose covered in layers of duct tape to put two and two together; Time to gloat in private.

There was a _shriek_ of rage as her neighbour began storming towards her with the hose clutched like a weapon in a white-knuckle grip while spouting profanities.

"…vindictive bitch! Jashin damn you to the fiery pits of hell! You seriously better fucking hope and start praying that He forgives you, because I sure as fuck won't! Of all the pissy teenage…"

"Woah, woah, woah buddy! What are you bitching about? You honestly don't think _I_ had anything to do with that, right? And what the fuck is a Jashin?" Temari fought to keep her expression offended and serious. It took everything she had not to start crying with laughter.

"Seriously!? Who else would fucking dare…? Don't even think of insulting Jashin you godless heathen! Just because I was being a fucking saint and concerned neighbour and shit yesterday, you have to get all childish and pissy over what clearly looked like breaking and fucking entering…" Temari was becoming less amused by the minute and cut him off.

"Saint? Concerned neighbour? Don't make me laugh! You could have just as easily gone in with me to check my ID. Clearly if I was breaking and entering I wouldn't have continued to do so with you hanging over my shoulder!" Her pissant neighbour was beginning to up his volume and talk over her.

"I wasn't hanging over your fucking shoulder; you were hanging from the fucking roof!" he bellowed.

"I was speaking figuratively, not literally you dumbass. Do you need me to speak slower and use smaller words? The point is, I damn well know you called the cops just for shits and giggles" she spat. No fucking way would she let him know just how embarrassing it was to be dragged into her new precinct in cuffs mere days before she even started work there.

"Keep talking bitch, you might actually say something intelligent at some point." Temari was just about to retort with another scathing remark when a voice from the back porch cut her off.

"While I hate to interrupt this incredibly entertaining and mature exchange between responsible adults Temari… The movers have finally arrived. Oh and Gaara said to tell you he got sick of waiting and took the car down to the school to set up his classroom. He was getting a little twitchy so I told him we could handle the boxes. Though I will ask you to refrain from punting my equipment up and down the street, or I'll be forced to use your skivvies as a flag." Kankuro was leaning across the back railing with a superior smirk on his face.

"I don't have time to deal with you anyhow," Temari bit out as she spun on her heel, "I've got better things to do."

Temari continued walking even as the smug bastard called out, "You wish sweetheart. Jashin only blesses the seriously righteous with all _this _hotness." The arrogant ass threw his hands out wide to gesture to himself, "He's just using your fugly ass to prove why it sucks to be a forsaken non-believer!"

Temari slammed the screen door behind her and let out a shriek of fury. Kankuro snorted, "I see why you like him so much. Glad you managed to keep your cool so far."

"Sarcasm doesn't become you Kankuro," Temari grimaced, "and I'm only just getting started. He may be able to talk the shit, but I'm smarter than him. He has by no means won the war."

"War? Aren't you taking a 24 hour spat a little too far Temari?" Kankuro looked sceptical.

"No one insults and humiliates me for no fucking reason; not to mention, I'm now going into work with little to no credibility!"

"Does he even know you're about to start work at the police station?"

"No, and it's going to stay that way. Capisce?" Temari pinned Kankuro with their mother's thousand yard stare.

"Hey, I won't breathe a word! I just want to make sure you know what you're getting yourself into. I just want to sleep without being afraid some pissed off neighbour isn't going to try and burn the house down around our ears. You can deliver that ultimatum to Gaara though. He may be a kindergarten teacher now, but baby brother still scares the shit out of me!" Kankuro was leaning back against the kitchen island with a raised eyebrow as Temari violently paced back and forth across the kitchen.

Pausing midstride, Temari let out another growl of frustration. "What's worse is left the change of clothes outside that I went out for in the first place!" Her brother let out a short bark of laughter and simply began directing Temari towards the front of the house where the heavy sound of boots could be heard in the entry way.

"Your clothes are just going to get dirty heaving boxes anyway. Change after we get this crap moved inside." Temari abruptly paused at the front door. "Now what?" Kankuro asked.

"Maybe I should just move boxes from in here. You know like an assembly line?"

"What did you do?" Kankuro groaned.

"Well… I didn't just mess with the hose…" Her explanation was interrupted by a familiar bellow from outside.

"Mother-fu…!"

Temari turned a guilty smile on her younger brother, "I may have found some vinegar the previous owners left behind and I may have left a message in our new _friend's_ front lawn…?" Kankuro groaned in frustration and grasped his head in his hands.

"We are so doomed. Goodbye peace and quiet."


End file.
