Harry Potter, Naruto 1. Guess Where I've Been!

"You are so not going to believe where I've been the last few weeks!" Izuna yelled as he barged into his brother's tent the minute he arrived back at camp.

"Actually, I would." his brother Madara replied. "You've been in camp with the rest of us right up until you vanished last night."

"Huh? Last night?" Izuna replied.

"Yeah, last night you got completely smashed and ran off to do god knows what. The only witness to where you went was equally as smashed as you if not moreso and was telling anyone who'd listen to him that you had sucked yourself into one of your eyes and vanished." Madara replied, sounding somewhat irate at having been woken up. "I was almost willing to believe him until you showed up just now sounding like you usually do after you've finished with one of your "conquests"."

"One? Try like thirty." Izuna replied.

"Thirty? In one night? Like I'll ever believe that." Madara scoffed.

"Not in one night, no. Like I said, I've been gone a few weeks." Izuna said. "I went to this odd universe where I got mistaken for this cockblocking asshat called Sasuke and got dragged to some village called Konoha that an alternate you who was completely bonkers had founded with Senju Hashirama."

"I founded a village with the Senju?" Madara asked incredulously. "You're right, the other me is completely bonkers."

"Yep, and that wasn't even the best part." Izuna replied.

"The best part?" Madara asked, dreading his brother's answer.

"Hashirama got made First Hokage instead of you, or your counterpart rather, and your counterpart turned on the village, and tried to kill Hashirama with the Kyuubi." Izuna replied.

"I tried to kill Senju Hashirama with the Kyuubi? Awesome!" Madara exclaimed. If Izuna had such cool stories every time he woke him up after he'd only gotten about two hours of sleep, he wouldn't be half as irritated when he did so.

"Not so awesome." Izuna said. "Hashirama pulled some trick out of his ass and handed you and the Kyuubi yours. Afterwards, you don't handle the defeat so well, and devote your life to the "The Moon's Eye Plan"."

"The one you came up with when you were high?" Madara asked with a sinking feeling in his stomach.

"Yep." Izuna replied.

"Where were you for all of this?" Madara asked.

"The other me apparently died before you founded Konoha after you, the other you, went nuts and stole my or rather his eyes." Izuna replied as he moved from his position at the entrance of the tent and took a seat on Madara's bedroll. "By the time I ended up in that universe, you were older than that guy that wears his underwear on the outside who keeps following us around, and twice as crazy."

"Oookaaaay." Madara said as he backed away from his brother, almost falling out of the back of his tent as he did so. Dream or not, he didn't want to be anywhere near the brand of crazy his brother had gotten his hands on.

"On the plus side however, the trusting twits in Konoha let me have virtually unrestricted access to their library, and you're not going to believe what I found..." Izuna said with a large shit-eating grin.

"What did you find?" Madara asked, hoping that if he played along, his brother would eventually grow tired of his game and start bothering someone else with his insanity.

"Got a spare scroll?" Izuna asked.

"On the table." Madara replied.

After several minutes of drawing and writing, Izuna presented Madara with the scroll. He initially gave it a cursory glance, but something caught his eye, and he found himself reading the entire thing.

"If this is real..." Madara breathed, barely able to believe what he had just read.

"The Sage of the Six Paths hid his real legacy where that little bastard he promised it to couldn't get at it, which means if we get it, we'll have something to hold over the heads of the Senju which means no Konoha, which means I won't have to worry about you killing everybody."

"What does this have to do with me killing everybody or not?" Madara asked, completely confused at the sudden shift in topic to a completely ludicrous one.

"You mean I didn't tell you?" Izuna asked. "You and one of my great-great-grandchildren, one of the Uchiha ones, not the blond Uzumaki freak of nature, go on a killing spree and wipe out the entire clan except for you, him, and his little brother."

Madara sat there quietly wondering not for the first time whether or not his brother's Mangekyo Sharingan had had a negative impact on his sanity.

"So, how exactly are we going to get to this hellish world of ice and snow that's been closed off to the Senju for centuries?"

"You are not going to believe how insanely brilliant and trusting that Uzumaki brat was." Izuna replied as he picked up another scroll and started drawing something on it...

&!&!&!&!&

"Oh thank Merlin!" Albus Dumbledore exclaimed when he'd looked out the window and found a pair of complete strangers wandering around on the lawn. As the muggles would say, "His prayers had been answered". Getting up from the desk, he raced outside before the men could conclude whatever business they came on.

He'd been fearing that he would have to hire the person the Ministry had chosen for the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts Professor since there had been problems with this year's only two applicants (one had died of old age and failed to be considerate enough to leave a ghost behind, and the other had been arrested for performing illegal experiments on muggles). He wouldn't have minded this too much if the Ministry had selected say, an Auror who was loyal to Fudge, but the Minister had selected that odious Umbridge woman instead. He knew that he shouldn't play favorites or particularly like or dislike certain students, but...Umbridge had been on his list a couple places below Tom Riddle.

If he didn't manage to persuade at least one of the men to consider taking a year out of his busy life to pursue the honorable career of educating future generations, he would be stuck with Umbridge. In order to do so, he would have to catch him first.


	2. Arrival at Hogwarts

Madara and Izuna stood on the wide grassy lawn wondering if they were in the right universe. While Izuna's great-great-grandson - or rather his counterpart from the insane universe where Madara went completely bonkers and tried to turn the moon into an eye's great-great-grandson - seemed to be insanely brilliant as Izuna had put it, the boy had a reputation in the village for being both stupid and somewhat crazy. As it was, they were stuck here for a year while the seal recharged. Once it did, it would (hopefully) return them to their own universe.

The reason for the brothers' doubt about their location was the fact that that their surroundings didn't resemble the hellishly cold world of ice and snow that had been described in the scroll that the Senju had stashed in the library in that other world's Konoha and Izuna had copied. Rather than there being snow piled to their waists and more coming down every second in the middle of a blizzard of epic proportions as the Sage of the Six Paths had described there having been on his arrival, there was a vast and sweeping hilly lawn of neatly tended green grass which majestically lined either side of a cobblestone road that led to a castle of a style they'd never seen before which held its own charm once one looked through the genjutsu that made it appear to be a burned down mouldering wreck.

To one side lay a dark and ominous looking forest, to the other lay the castle, a wide, deep, and dark lake, and in the distance behind them, a mountain range, behind them lay the castle grounds and wherever the cobblestone road led to. Above them was a cloudless blue sky from which a summer sun shone down, turning the heavy winter clothing they had piled on in preparation for their journey into something completely unbearable.

The Sage of the Six Paths had gotten to the world in the letter to his younger son through an accident with the Rinnegan, something Izuna and Madara couldn't quite copy with their Sharingans, Mangekyo or otherwise, ergo the depending on the great-great-grandson's seal which they probably wouldn't have trusted in the first place if the boy hadn't been Uzumaki and therefore from a clan of seal makers. Making seals was practically in the boy's blood. Well, at least seven sixteenths of it.

As the two men were stripping out of their winter wear, an elderly man in what was either a brightly colored dress or brightly colored ceremonial robes came tearing out of the castle, catching both men with their pants down. They could fight with their pants down if need be, but it was more difficult than usual.

Madara was hopping up and down on one leg, trying to get out of his snow pants when the elderly man, the incredibly ancient looking elderly man in the exceedingly garish robes, reached them and started spouting gibberish.

Izuna who had successfully shucked his own snow pants by laying down and pushing them down both legs turned to his brother.

"So, should we kill the crazy person before he attacks? Or...?" he asked.

"Ah, many apologies, I did not realize that you did not understand me." the insane old man who had incredibly long white hair running down his back and a wild beard going down to his waist said perfectly intelligibly. "Fortunately Japanese is one of the numerous languages I am fluent in."

"That's understandable." Izuna said. "I apologize for trespassing on your lands, but my brother and I were only very recently able to translate a text that an ancestor of ours left our family which gave only vague directions to an heirloom he had intended for his son to have, and we were rather eager to find it."

"I thank you for your apology, and must say that I too am very sorry." the old man said. "But, Hogwarts grounds are only open to students and professors. There is no way I can help you, and I must ask you to leave." the old man said.

After a quick exchange of glances between the brothers which confirmed that they were indeed thinking what the other was thinking, they turned to go, intending to return later under the cover of darkness if they determined that it was worth doing so. The world that the Sage had found could have suffered a drastic shift in climate over the centuries, stranger things had happened afterall. It really wasn't worth the fight at the moment however, and contrary to the popularly held misconception about Shinobi, they didn't go around killing people they didn't need to.

As they made their way down the cobblestone road, they were brought to a halt by an almost hesitant "Unless..."

They both whirled as one to face the old man. Izuna was struck with the feeling he and Madara should have kept walking. Something about the old man's expression reminded him of the guy who had sold him and Madara that old rowboat which sank when they were a hundred yards offshore.

&!&!&!&

Dumbledore felt a twinge of guilt rise in his stomach as he led the two young men up to his office. He knew the source of the feeling, and it was only tangentially related to the two men who trailed behind him, carefully studying their surroundings. Both men had what was colloquially known as the "Potter hair", which of course brought one Harry Potter to mind. He had much to apologize to the boy for, and if the killing curse didn't work the way he believed it did, he would spend his afterlife crawling on his belly if it made it up to the boy.

What were a few years in a cupboard and a few summers trapped in a house with people you didn't like when the alternative was being disemboweled and having your head on a pike somewhere public at the age of less than two years afterall?

If everything went well, the boy would have at least a century of happiness to make up for his early years when it was all over. Still, he felt the occasional twinge of guilt over what the boy was suffering through in the here and now.

&!&!&!&

"What are you staring at." Izuna asked as he noticed the odd looking old man's attention shift to him and his brother once more.

"Nothing really." the incredibly ancient man replied. "It's just that you have the Potter hair."

"Potter hair?" Madara asked.

"What's commonly referred to as the "Potter Hair" is a trait which has been passed down the male line of the Potter family since it got started when a foreign traveler who made pots was briefly married to one of the Peverell daughters before he vanished, leaving her with child. It was quite the scandal at the time since nobody knew what had happened to him. Most people think the Potter family is quite a bit older than it actually is because of the titles they have inherited through a number of rather shrewd marriages that have been made over the generations." the old man replied, completely unwinded by his journey up an exceedingly steep flight of stairs, quite the feat for someone his age.

"Please tell me that these "Potters" aren't the legacy that the Sage of the Six Paths meant to leave his son." Madara groaned.

"It's possible, considering the fact that the one who answered "Love" got the prize." Izuna replied.

"Oh, wouldn't that be a great joke on everybody, especially considering the fact that we're trapped here for an entire year rather than however short a time our ancestor had been here thanks to your counterpart's great-great-grandson's seal. Madara snapped.

"Well, if we're actually in the right place, which I'm still inclined to doubt despite the rather interesting coincidence, there's still something buried on the grounds according to the letter. If we find it, we can tell everyone that it was the thing that the Sage meant to leave his son." Izuna replied as he followed the old man up a moving staircase which had been hidden behind a rather ugly statue.

Wouldn't that have been a kick in the teeth, the whole Senju/Uchiha conflict getting started because the Sage didn't tell his kids that he was dumping his bastard on one of them rather than his blessing.


	3. Speaking of the Uzumaki

Albus Dumbledore did his best to hide the scowl that longed to grace his features as he dealt with Fudge and the pair of Lackeys he'd brought with him. He had managed to convince both of the men to take the Defense Against the Dark Arts position. While they didn't know a wand from a hole in the ground, he could feel the magic practically pouring off of the both of them, so they couldn't be disqualified on those grounds. The fact that the men weren't possessed by Voldemort, actually knew a thing or two that could be useful in their new field of expertise, weren't werewolves, and weren't Death Eaters in disguise was a bonus as far as he was concerned.

The quality of applicants for the position had been seriously slipping in recent years, and these two were the best he'd seen in a decade, despite the fact that they had never been to a magical school and didn't even know what magic was despite the fact that they'd used it right in front of him. The language barrier wouldn't be too much of a problem, as he could set up some sort of translation spell on the classroom so the students could understand their new teachers. He'd had to do so for Binns' class at one point to help the poor students who couldn't understand the man's use of the Seventeenth and Eighteenth century slang terms that he'd picked up in his youth.

The problem that had come up when he was getting the brothers settled in their new quarters where they seemed exceedingly happy with the fact that they had indoor plumbing, and slightly less happy with the fact that the toilet was in the same room as the bath, was that the Ministry was already questioning their appointment. When he returned to his office after showing the men theirs, he found a letter from the Minister demanding an appointment.

The next day, Fudge turned up with Umbridge and his new secretary Percy Weasley in tow. They promptly started questioning the two young men's qualifications, and exactly where they came from as soon as the formalities ended. The two men who were able to understand them thanks to the translation charm put on the room handled the questioning better than he had expected, neatly dodging the questions about their origins without seeming to do so, and had even gotten it to stop when they had agreed to teach out of the Ministry mandated text.

"You wouldn't happen to be from the lands of the Sage that lies beneath the Demon Moon would you?" the middle Weasley child asked as the interview cum interrogation ended.

Izuna frowned, the other two and even Dumbledore had assumed that he and his brother had come from some place called Japan. The young man who apparently hadn't automatically assumed so as well couldn't mean...

"Would you care to elaborate?" he asked.

"It's a story that has been passed down my family line for the last few centuries that supposedly explains why the Weasleys have red hair." Percy said "According to family legend, the Weasleys all had brown hair until one day a woman named Uzumaki..."

"Whyyyyyyyy? !" he howled, interrupting the Weasley's tale and startling the "Minister" and the toad-like woman. "Why does this keep happening to me? Why is it that everywhere I turn, even on worlds where there shouldn't be..."

"I-Is he alright?" the leader of the local government asked, looking somewhat concerned as he broke down sobbing.

"He should be soon." Madara replied. "He has a bit of an Uzumaki phobia, and he was recently forced to be in close quarters with one for an extended period of time."

"What sort of creatures are the Uzumaki exactly?" the Umbridge woman asked, sounding slightly gleeful at the prospect of something.

"They're monsters that come from the depths of hell to personally torment me!" Izuna exclaimed.

"They're a clan of seal makers who are distantly related to and allied with our enemies. Considering how fierce they are on the battlefield and the thread of insanity that seems to run through certain branches of that clan, Uzumaki phobias aren't all that uncommon amongst the Uchiha. His is more severe than usual due to, well, several factors which I will not be going into right now." Madara corrected.

The triumphant gleam which had vanished from the toad-like woman's eyes flared back up again.

"Insanity?" the Umbridge woman asked in a falsely sweet tone of voice.

"Don't know what else to call it. It's not like they hear voices or anything like that, but... The ones with it have a bit of a volatile personality, an odd verbal tic, can't sit still for more than one second, come up with the wildest ideas, have the devils own luck in getting them to work, and a tendency towards pranking people." Madara replied.

"Fred and George." the Weasley said, as if those three words explained everything.

"Oh." the Minister said.

Apparently those three words did explain everything.

&!&!&!&!&

Madara scowled and threw the book that the "Minister"'s toad-like lackey had given him at the wall. Dare to question his abilities would they? Well, he'd show them!

By the time he and Izuna left next year, those little brats would be a match for any of the Senju children their age. He wasn't going to do any better than that though no matter how the local "Minister" and his subordinate's thinly veiled insults stung. While he was tasked with the task of teaching them, there was no point in giving them an advantage, they weren't Uchiha.

Izuna was still crying at the fact that there were Uzumaki in this world as well. He didn't have the heart to tell him that Dumbledore had told him that Percy was the middle child, and that they would be teaching four of the red-heads this year. Since Izuna was practically useless at the moment, he would be the one who was stuck drawing up the lesson plans.

The first order of business was to read the book that he was supposed to be teaching out of to see exactly how useful it was. He opened the book. He closed the book. The book was in that incomprehensible "English" language, and he couldn't understand a word of it. They'd forgotten to put a "Translation Charm" on the damned thing, he'd forgotten to ask for one, and he wasn't about to go back to that old lunatic and look like an idiot.

Second order of business, ignore the book.


	4. Insane Floo Journeys

Madara squeezed his way past the cubicle that separated the toilet from the bath which Dumbledore had created rather than moving the toilet and sink to a separate room to solve that problem since "Hogwarts has been somewhat resistant to changes being made to the castle since the major renovations that were done in the fifteenth and nineteenth centuries" to see what the holdup with Izuna was. As he rounded the tight corner, there was a loud splash as Izuna rinsed the last of the shampoo from his waist length hair. Apparently, he wanted to be looking his best when they went to that Diagon Alley place to purchase supplies with the advance that Dumbledore had given them on their pay, which had meant going through the troublesome task of washing his hair more than once this week.

People often wondered about his and Izuna's excessively long hair. Besides looking good and dealing with the fact that in their line of work haircuts tended to be rather infrequent unless one hacked the excess hair off themselves with a kunai as many ninja were wont to do, their long hair which they often wore loose on the battlefield much like the head of the Senju Clan did his was a dare, a challenge that nobody had been strong enough to take them up on. Nobody had ever had the time to grab their hair when they had gotten close enough to do so, they had made sure of that.

There was a large amount of water on the floor, but it would vanish soon. The creatures he'd caught sneaking around cleaning things always removed it before too long. Soon, Izuna was dried off, dressed, and ready to go. The reason that Izuna was ready so quickly was because he'd fortunately had the insight to comb his hair the night before.

As soon as Izuna was ready, they made their way down to the small house on the grounds in which the man who was to be their guide through the unfamiliar territory they would be visiting lived. After knocking on the door which was answered by an overly large man who didn't look too bright, Izuna was attacked by the overly large dog which had skirted around him with its tail between its legs and practically licked to death, rendering the his brother's earlier preparations useless.

"Sorry about that." the massive man whom they had been told was named Hagrid said in oddly accented but perfectly intelligible Japanese, which was oddly enough the same language which was spoken on the Elemental Continent in his and Izuna's world.

"I've had to go to Japan a few times to pick up potions ingredients." Hagrid said, apparently having registered his surprise that he of all people could speak his and Izuna's language. "Professor Slughorn was too lazy to do it, and Professor Snape can't leave the country. It's one of the conditions of his parole."

"Parole?" he asked as Hagrid pulled his pet off of his brother. He didn't particularly care, but he was slightly surprised since civilians tended to be opposed to having convicts teach their children.

"He was convicted of being a Death Eater, but he got out of jail time and was allowed to teach because he was working as a spy for Dumbledore. He only gets half pay, because the other half goes towards his Community Service." Hagrid replied as he shoved the dog back into the hut and slammed the door before it could escape again.

"He only gets half pay?" he said. "I'd hate to see how he teaches as a result."

"He's an ass to the students, but none of them have died in his class since he started teaching." Hagrid said as he led them down the road towards the local village which he'd been told was called Hogsmeade. "In that same time period, Flitwick's lost two, McGonagal's lost one, and there was the Venomous Tentacula Massacre of '86. Hogwarts nearly had to close after that one."

"Venomous Tentacula Massacre?" he asked as they exited Hogwarts' gates.

"One of the plants mutated and got half of the Gryffindor/Ravenclaw Second Year class before it could be put down." Hagrid mournfully replied. "Poor Yorick. That kid could never catch a break."

After reaching the local village, Hagrid led them to a bar where Izuna openly admired the bartender's rather sizable assets while Hagrid tried to explain the Floo system to him.

"So, you jump in the fire, and it spits you out somewhere else?" he asked, summing up what Hagrid said.

"Yep." Hagrid replied.

"Ah, so it's like that Hiraishin thing that my counterpart's great-great-grandson's lunatic father invented." Izuna said coming back to the conversation.

"Lunatic?" he asked, backing away from the fireplace, suddenly even more leery of this method of travel.

"Anyone who willingly marries an Uzumaki is a lunatic in my book." Izuna replied.

"I'll tell you what. I'll go first and come back so you know that it's safe." Hagrid said, before he grabbed a handful of the green powder, threw it at the fire which then turned green as well, stepped into the massive fireplace that must have been used to roast game at one time, and yelled "Diagon Alley".

The man whirled around, and then vanished. A minute later, he reappeared.

"See, it's safe." he said as he stepped out of the fire and gestured for him to try.

He did his best to pronounce the unfamiliar name of the alley the way that Hagrid had, but it came out more like "De-eh-gan Ar-ri". When the nausea inducing spinning through which he'd caught glimpses of the interior of several places through fireplaces was over, he had found himself being almost literally spat out of a fireplace that was somewhere other than the one he'd entered. He barely managed to turn his skid into a roll.

As he stood up and brushed himself off a voice said "Welcome to Customs and Immigration, please have your documents on hand as you exit the fireplace."

As he stood there trying to figure out exactly how he'd gotten so far off course, Izuna came flying out of the fireplace he'd just exited and knocked him over. The voice then repeated its message word for word with the exact same tone and inflection as he and Izuna picked themselves up and brushed themselves off. He was slightly confused as to where the voice was coming from, as the room was entirely empty save for him, Izuna, a door, and a fireplace, and he wasn't under Genjutsu.

Figuring that he wouldn't get any answers unless he went through the door, he did so, alert and wary of an attack. The next room was virtually empty save for a man seated behind a desk reading a magazine.

"Papers." the man said in a bored tone as he held out his hand, not even looking up from his magazine.

He sighed as he pulled out his Demon Country I.D., the paper that identified him as a Hogwarts professor which Dumbledore had given him the day before, and a couple of those Galleon things. He recognized this routine from the numerous times he'd visited one of the larger cities on the continent.

Izuna, who had rather ironically been born in Whirlpool, pulled out his Whirlpool I.D. and a document that was virtually identical to the one Dumbledore had given him behind him.

The man grabbed their papers without paying attention, automatically grabbed a stamp, paused, blinked, frowned as he looked at their I.D.s, picked up the papers that Dumbledore had given him and Izuna, studied them intently, and said "Sorry about that. The Floo has a bad habit of sending people here if it can't understand or identify where you want to go. Poor Mr. Upjohn has been coming through here twice a week since he had that Babbling Curse put on him. The Leaky Cauldron is out the door, down two blocks, and to your right. You can't miss it."

"Thanks." Izuna said as the man handed them their papers back.

He and Izuna stepped out the door the man had indicated, and found themselves in a completely alien world.


	5. Letters at Gringotts

As Izuna and his brother stared at their surroundings, unable to take all that they were seeing in, Hagrid approached, waiting until all of the bizarre and brightly painted vehicles on the road which moved despite having no visible means of propulsion had stopped in order to allow the vehicles on a cross street to pass before he made his way to their side of the street.

"I thought that you might have ended up here. It's happened to me a couple of times when I was drunk." Hagrid said when he finally arrived. "Bit of advice, don't cough after saying Diagon Alley. You'll end up in Knockturn, which is somewhere you don't want to go without prior preparation."

"What's all...this?" Madara asked when he finally found the ability to speak, giving a gesture that encompassed their entire surroundings. He could understand what his brother was feeling. Nothing he'd encountered in this world so far had hinted at what lay before them.

"It's the Muggle world." Hagrid replied. "It's a bit overwhelming at times, but you get used to it."

"Muggle world?" he asked.

"Well, the Muggles don't have magic, so they've got to make do somehow." Hagrid replied.

Make do? Make do? From the looks of things, the "Muggles" were doing more than making do, they were thriving.

"Exactly how many Muggles are there?" he asked.

"In England? Dunno, maybe a couple million?" Hagrid replied as he led them down the street, ignoring all of the people who were staring at them, him and Madara especially, despite the fact that they were casually dressed.

"How many wizards and witches are there?" he asked.

"A few thousand." Hagrid replied as he led them to a rather shabby looking building that stood between two much newer looking buildings that sold things he couldn't quite identify.

"Make do he says." Madara muttered as they entered the building that turned out to be another bar. "From the looks of things, these "Muggles" have long since overtaken their magical counterparts."

Rather than leading them to the fireplace for another go at "Floo" travel like he half expected him to, Hagrid led them out back where there was a miniscule yard that contained a couple of garbage cans and a brick wall. Hagrid then tapped a spot on the wall with what looked like an umbrella, causing part of the wall to move and reform into an arch that was the entrance to the Diagon Alley place that was their destination.

"How...quaint." he said as he surveyed the alley with its aging shops and main thoroughfare that teemed with oddly dressed people.

The contrast with the street they had just left couldn't have been greater. Fortunately, this Diagon Alley place wasn't as overwhelming to his senses as the street they had just left had been. There were far too many things to keep an eye out for on that strange street with its odd vehicles and crowds of people, far too many new and potential threats to keep track of. Diagon Alley, while also foreign to him, was a bit more his speed. There were only a couple hundred people to keep track of rather than thousands or tens of thousands of them.

"Well, the first thing we should do is go to Gringotts to get an account set up." Hagrid said as he began to lead them down the alley.

"Gringotts?" Madara asked.

"It's a bank." Hagrid replied.

He and Madara looked at each-other. The clan hadn't had very many good experiences with banks, with the exception of a few assassination missions which had been commissioned by corrupt bank executives. They'd seen what had happened to that one relative who had taken out a rather ruinous loan on a house that ended up being destroyed. The poor man had been forced to run consecutive missions for the rest of his life with pretty much nothing to show for it. They'd much rather look after their own finances, thank you very much.

"We'd rather not." they said at the same time.

"Well, I still need to get some money out of my account. You two can wait in the lobby. If you're going to try the coffee, I'd recommend the stuff that costs five sickles rather than the free stuff. They haven't cleaned out the pot with the free coffee since some jackass turned it into piss as a prank." Hagrid said.

Izuna and Madara turned and looked at each-other. Yep, that sounded like a bank to them.

After walking through the semi-crowded alley, they finally stopped at a massive white marble building. The imposing edifice spoke of how important the people inside thought they were. Izuna could think of at least three ways to destroy it off the top of his head.

"Five." Madara muttered by his side.

Crap. Madara always won at that game.

"What're yours?" Madara asked.

"Have the blond Uzumaki Freak of Nature spam the place with his shadow clones, Doton Jutsu, tell Hashirama that it is evil and getting in the way of any progress towards peace." he replied.

"...And you're sure that your recent trip didn't drive you insane?" Madara said after nearly a minute of silence.

"Reasonably." he replied as they stepped into the bank's lobby and found seats. They didn't stare at the goblins like people who had never encountered them before often did. But, then again, they'd seen stranger people back home.

As they sat down in chairs that had been set aside for bank customers, there was a bright flash of light, and a letter appeared on Madara's lap. Curious, and wary of a trap, Madara opened it, hoping that doing so didn't result in some sort of automatic fee.

"What's it say?" he asked as he tried to read over his brother's shoulder.

"It's from the Sage of the Six Paths, and it says pretty much what we suspected it would." Madara replied. "Dear son, Got trapped here, had a good time and wished you were here, sired a bastard and was forced to marry a shrew. Please take care of the kid. Thank you. Love, Dad."

"We're never showing this to the Senju." he said.

A goblin chose that moment to come up to the two brothers who were playing with the missive the Sage of the Six Paths had left behind for his offspring or his descendants. Normally, they would have been more reverent in their handling of a relic that had belonged to the man, but this time they were willing to make an exception.

"Magic has clearly found you worthy, and brought you your noble inheritance." The goblin said in a fake awed and obsequious tone that might convince an oblivious idiot. "Gringotts will be at your service however you chose to invest your new fortune."

"Fortune?" Madara said. "We inherited a bastard who died of old age centuries ago."

The servile look promptly vanished from the goblin's face.

"I see." the goblin said before turning away and wandering off muttering darkly.

"Time was when the perpetual letter storage was only used for proper inheritances of vast fortunes." the goblin said as he went back to his desk. "That's two minutes of my life wasted I won't get back."

"So, are you ready to go?" Hagrid asked when he reappeared from the vaults a minute later.


	6. Diagon Alley

Diagon Alley was interesting and decidedly foreign at first. Considering the fact that they were in another world, that was to be expected. Their guide seemed to be a relatively popular fellow, considering the number of people who had come up to him and greeted him as they wandered through the "magical" shopping district. Madara began to feel distinctly worried when he got either wary or pitying looks from the people that Hagrid had introduced him and his brother to.

He knew that there had to be something up with the job he and his brother had been hired for, considering how desperate the Headmaster of Hogwarts had been to get him and his brother to take it, but he'd figured that the problem had been interference from the local government which apparently pre-screened the applicants. Based on the looks he and his brother were receiving after their guide uttered the words "Defence Against the Dark Arts", there had to be something _else_ wrong with the job as well. Izuna was right, they should have just kept walking. Unfortunately they couldn't walk away now. They had already signed the contract, and accepted an advance they had no means of paying back at the moment, especially not in gold.

One of the first places Hagrid took them to was a shop where they could get kitted out in the local clothing. The look on Izuna's face when they stepped through the door of Gladrags Wizardwear said it all. Not even the civilians from back home would have set foot in here. If it wasn't overbright, it was restrictive and/or had far too many buttons and fastenings.

"This looks like some place Naruto would shop." Izuna said as he picked up a neon orange shirt that looked as if it was formal wear.

"Naruto?" he asked, knowing he'd heard the name before, but couldn't quite place it at the moment.

"The blond Uzumaki freak of nature." Izuna replied.

"Yes, this does look like someplace an Uzumaki might shop." he said eventually, after pausing to think about it.

The Uzumaki were loud and hyper and obnoxious, and if they hadn't been ninja, they would have been at home here.

"Are there any other clothing stores?" he asked his guide.

"On your budget?" Hagrid replied. "There's the second hand shop down the street, and most of the stuff they sell there came from here. You can go elsewhere later after you've gotten a few months pay."

What followed was torture, as they wandered through the shop trying to hunt down clothing that would be servicable. The bright colors and the loud noises that came from screaming sock displays and singing hats gave them both headaches. Eventually, they found things that were somewhat acceptable to wear, and they left the shop never to return.

"Now, all you need, are some trunks, wands, and books." Hagrid said when they left the shop, rubbing their temples in a vain attempt to ease the headaches they were suffering. "I know a couple of places you can get good trunks second hand. Old Man Elthorpe goes and buys them up at estate sales, and Ralph won't buy from students unless they're "Like New"."

They'd ended up going to Ralph, since Old Man Elthorpe was out buying that day. They both bought plain trunks with small hidden compartments inside since they didn't need anything fancy.

After the visit to Ralph's shop, Hagrid had led them to a shop called Ollivanders to get a wand, despite the fact that they didn't need one. The only real reason they even bothered was because Hagrid had pointed out that it would be easier to pass themselves off as wizards if they had wands.

They nearly killed the shopkeeper when he'd tried to sneak out of the back of the store and startle them like he did his usual customers. The shopkeeper made a face when a Yew and "Dragon Heartstring" wand had "chosen" Madara, and muttered something about someone's wand coming from the same tree. After several dozen tries, a Rowan and Phoenix feather wand ended up selecting Izuna. After the wands were paid for, the two of them left the shop, vowing never to return as that had been one of the most pointless hours they had ever spent, buying something they didn't need.

Finally, after gathering up a number of books about the wizarding world that had translation charms put on them at what was a rather exorbitant price, they got ready to leave the alley, swearing never to come back. They'd never really cared too much for shopping, and shopping in the Alley had been beyond annoying as far as they were concerned.

As they were about to go, Hagrid offered to buy them a drink. Against their better judgement, they accepted. They had headaches from navigating through the alley, and a drink sounded rather tempting right then. One drink however turned to several, which turned into them waking up on the floor of the foyer of an unfamiliar and rather ostentatious home tangled in a heap with a blond stranger and a large black dog with no idea as to how they got there and Hagrid nowhere in sight.

"Must've been some party." Izuna said before groaning and covering his eyes in order to shield them from the dim light of the room he and his brother found themselves in.

"This world is insane!" Izuna said ten minutes later as he vomited into the bucket that the conductor of the "Knight Bus" had rather thoughtfully conjured for him as said vehicle did its level best to throw him and his brother about.

They and the black dog had been chased from the palatial home they had woken up in about two seconds after the blond stranger they had found themselves with woke up to find a pair of complete strangers in his home, and no idea how they got there. Neither of them were entirely sure where the heck the bus had come from, but it had provided a good escape from the man they hadn't been entirely inclined to kill due to the fact that there was a distinct possibility that they had come into his home uninvited, and the man could be a potential customer later after he calmed down a bit. People tended to frown on the sort of ninja who invaded people's houses and killed their owners without having been paid to do so, and they had learned enough manners to not be that sort of ninja.

When they eventually got back to Hogwarts, it was to find their belongings as well as their winnings from a card game they didn't remember playing, an unfamiliar woman, three oversized Chocolate Frogs, a stuffed Zebra, a trunk of lingerie, and the morning edition of the local newspaper with pictures of them and the blond stranger and the Minister of Magic fellow mooning the camera on the front page waiting for them, having been rather thoughtfully sent along by the barkeep of the pub they had started out in.

On top of this pile of loot was a note from Headmaster Dumbledore requesting a meeting.


	7. Aftermath

Headmaster Dumbledore was looking unusually stern as the brothers entered his office which was full of all sorts of interesting knick-knacks which Madara wanted to examine in greater detail. The intelligent paintings were of particular interest, as he'd never seen anything like them back in his and Izuna's home world.

"Sit down." Dumbledore said to the brothers as if they were unruly children who were meeting him to be chastised for their misbehavior.

They seated themselves in the chairs before the Headmaster's desk, knowing they had done wrong. When one took on a mission, especially a mission that involved being around children as this mission soon would entail, one was expected to behave with a certain amount of decorum. Drinking until one forgets the night before was something that was reserved for when one was off-duty. It generally wasn't the client's place to call them to carpet, but since they had no immediate superiors aside from the client at the moment, an exception could be made in this case.

"I understand that you were in particularly high spirits due to Madara's recent marriage. But, as Hogwarts Professors, you are expected to behave with a degree of professionalism at all times when you are out in the community because while you are employed here, you are a representative of this school. " Headmaster Dumbledore said, beginning his lecture which was well deserved in this particular case considering the fact that both Izuna and Madara had gotten themselves completely blitzed while they were technically on-duty.

If anyone in the clan had seen what they had done, the old whispers about their insuitability to lead due to their young age and the irresponsibility that came with youth would start back up again. They'd only just gotten them quieted down after their last victory over the Senju in which their leader Hashirama had had to be carried off of the battlefield on a stretcher. Madara would have killed the bastard, but twenty of those forest jerks went and ganged up on him before he could.

"Marriage?" Madara asked when Dumbledore paused in order to gather the breath for the rest of the undoubtedly long lecture that would soon follow considering the fact that the man was a schoolteacher and looked to have been one for a very long time.

"Your and Lucia Malfoy's nuptials have been the talk of the wizarding world all morning." Dumbledore replied in a tone that indicated that he was of the opinion that Madara should be more aware of such things.

"Glad it's you this time." Izuna said, slapping the slightly stunned Madara on the shoulder. "I've woken up to discover that I was married five times already."

The Headmaster choked on the yellow candy that he'd just popped into his mouth.

Eventually, after securing promises of good behavior from the brothers, the Headmaster allowed them to leave his office with nothing more than a warning about the potential consequences should they behave in a similar manner in the future. He seemed to be almost eager to have them leave, probably so he could safely laugh his ass off without the risk of upsetting Madara, considering the amused twinkle that had been in his eyes as the two of them departed. The two of them then made their way down to their rooms where Madara's new wife was undoubtedly waiting for them. Now that they knew that Madara was married, they knew exactly what the woman had been doing there along with a number of new and completely useless possessions they didn't remember acquiring.

"So, how do you usually handle this sort of situation?" Madara asked almost nervously as he and his brother stood outside the door to their rooms, slightly rankled at having to go to his younger brother for advice.

"Um, I might have lied to you about a couple of things because I knew you'd yell at me if I told you." Izuna replied somewhat nervously himself. "Hanako isn't running a brothel, and those women she travels with aren't exactly camp followers."

"But they..." Madara started.

"It's an open relationship." Izuna said with a shrug. "They don't ask me where I've been, and I don't ask them where they've been. It's worked out fine so far."

Bracing himself for the inevitable, Madara entered his and his brother's rooms and went to go meet his new wife. Looking at her, the words "definite age difference" came to mind. The woman looked to be in her mid to late thirties, and Izuna and Madara were both in their early and mid twenties respectively. Aside from the fact that she was middle-aged, the aristocratic looking woman with ash blond hair and steel gray eyes was rather attractive.

"Uh, hi, I'm Izuna, and..." Izuna started, when Madara had remained silent after the woman had pinned him with a gaze like that of one of the falcons he kept as pets the instant they entered the room.

"Let me get one thing straight husband." the woman said, not even looking at Izuna or otherwise acknowledging his presence. "This marriage was not my idea. I do not know you, I do not like you, and if you think you can get me to wear any of **that, **there will be trouble."

The **that **in question was the contents of the trunkful of lingerie that had somehow ended up with the brothers' belongings.

Madara replied to the new missus' statement by crossing the common room of their quarters in complete silence, walking over to his room, brushing past his new wife as he did so, and slamming the door to his bedroom shut behind him. Based on his reaction, Izuna thought it was safe to say that Madara was just as fond of his new wife as she was of him. The relationship was clearly getting off to a great start. They both had something in common at least, which was more than he could say about a number of his previous "relationships".


	8. Feast Day

Madara sighed as he refused yet another tray full of food from the creatures that manned the Hogwarts kitchens. If he accepted all of the food that the creatures had shoved under his nose every time he inspected the kitchens, he would have nearly doubled his current weight in the weeks since he'd arrived in this world. Right now, the creatures were offering him what looked like an entire roast pig, an entire chocolate cake, and a rack of lamb.

Today, he was staying longer than he usually did to make sure the creatures weren't poisoning the food considering how dissatisfied many slaves were with their lot in life, and the measures they sometimes took in order to improve it. That night there would be a feast, and he was supervising in order to make sure the creatures didn't ruin his and Izuna's dinner since they were unfamiliar with the recipes. Fortunately, the foods he and Izuna were most familiar with existed in this world, coming from that Japan place which also shared the main language of the Hidden Continent. Many of the cooking utensils that the "House Elves" used to prepare his and Izuna's dinner for the upcoming feast that would be marking the start of the school's academic year looked almost as old as the castle.

The reason he was here wasn't just to avoid the woman he was forced to share his quarters with due to the fact that they were technically married, no matter how many times Izuna insinuated that his frequent patrols through the castle were for that reason. He was looking forward to this special meal and wanted it to be just right. The food he'd been served since arriving had been rather heavy and exceedingly foreign to him. Forks and knives were occasionally used in some of the more out of the way places on the continent, and until now he'd not had much opportunity to use them. Fortunately, he'd mastered the skill of copying the others around him in order to mimic manners and mannerisms he didn't actually possess otherwise things could have been a great deal more awkward at mealtimes.

Seating arrangements for the feast had been finalized that morning. Izuna, who'd always been the lucky one, would be seated next to Hagrid. He himself would be seated next to Snape. He didn't particularly like the man, and the man didn't care too much for him but, he appreciated the head's up that the man had given him shortly after he'd come back to discover he was married to the sister of the blond stranger he'd woken up with after the bender he and Izuna had gone on in order to recover from their trip to Diagon Alley. Apparently, Lucia's brother Lucius belonged to a local wizarding supremacist organization, and the only reason they hadn't been stupid enough to go after him so far was because part of the Malfoy's attempt at damage control had included passing him off as being from a pureblood family from East Asia wherever the hell that was, and it was possible that the group would be seeking to recruit him and his brother soon.

"Does the master wish to try some of the Inarizushi?" one of the more well-spoken House Elves asked, pulling him out of his musings.

"...Hell yes!"

Deciding to shove his thoughts on the in-laws and the coming feast to the side to deal with later, he accepted the one offer he couldn't refuse and dug in. He wasn't going to take too many since he didn't plan on spoiling his dinner. He'd just have a few to make sure they tuned out okay...

&!&!&!&

Izuna smirked as his brother sat down next to his wife who was seated between the two of them. From the looks of it, tonight's dinner was going to be a good one, or at least the Inarizushi was going to be good seeing as Madara had seemed to have eaten it already. This was probably going to be one of the last things he'd get to laugh about for a while in this insane place that ran on its own calendar where every September 1st was a Sunday no matter what day of the week it was in the outside world. Tomorrow, classes would be starting, and they would be incredibly busy until the Winter holidays since they were the only Defense Against the Dark Arts professors for the entire school.

Moments after a rather stuffed looking Madara had sat down between Lucia and that unpleasant Snape fellow who was forced to work at half pay and acted accordingly, the students started filing into the hall. Thanks to that Weasley boy's story, he found himself involuntarily flinching every time he caught sight of a head of red hair. Fortunately, there weren't too many redheads in the sizable crowd that filed in, a crowd in which brown seemed to be the predominant hair color.

Amongst the group that gathered around the table for the house whose mascot was a snake, there was a blond boy who could only be Lucia's brother's child. Amongst the group that had a lion for a mascot whom he'd been warned were fierce rivals of the house with the snake was a teenage boy whose hair gave Madara's a run for its money when it came to messiness. Unlike Madara's spiky mop, this boy's hair was short, making it seem even messier. This was probably the Potter person that Dumbledore had mentioned when they'd first arrived, the Potter person who was likely a descendant of the Sage's bastard.

He reached around Lucia who had yet to warm up to either him or his brother, having not been too happy about having been married off to Madara in order to pay off a debt that had been accrued during a card game that neither he nor his brother remembered and tapped his brother on the shoulder.

"I've spotted our inheritance." he said smirking as he gestured to the messy haired boy who was wearing spectacles once he caught his brother's attention.

&!&!&!&!&

"So, which one of them do you think is the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor?" Ron asked Harry as they seated themselves near the middle of the Gryffindor table.

"I don't know, but I don't like the way those guys are looking at me." Harry replied as he studied the staff table where two men who looked related were speaking with each-other and casting him the occasional amused glance.

"So, how do you think they'll try to kill you?" Ron asked.

"Dunno, poison? Nobody's tried to poison me yet." Harry replied.

"Harry!" Hermione exclaimed, sounding scandalized.

"What? It's not like every other Defence Against the Dark Arts professor hasn't tried to kill me." Harry said. "It was an accident on Lupin's part, but that doesn't mean that he didn't try to eat me."

"Harry, but that's not...You don't...Whatever, forget it, I give up." Hermione said, apparently not launching into the lecture she usually would have at this point.

"Harry, mate, I think you broke her." Ron said, looking somewhat amazed.

Further conversation was forestalled by the arrival of the new first years who were to be sorted.


	9. Interacting With the Students

Madara scowled as he looked out over the sea of faces that looked expectantly back at him and his brother. When he'd been told that he'd be teaching in a school, he'd expected the students to be between the ages of six and fourteen like they were in the few civilian schools that he'd had experience dealing with. Any older than fourteen, and the students should have long since been married off and/or been dealing with their responsibilities towards their families. The Welcoming Feast had very swiftly shown him exactly how wrong his assumptions were in this instance.

Instead of teaching a bunch of little bratlings who should just be learning how to read and write, he and his brother were teaching a bunch of soft little civilians who would have been on the battlefield years ago had they belonged to one of gthe Shinobi clans. The students of his first class were nearly twice the age he had been when he had first been sent into battle. If he was to get these soft little dumplings into fighting shape like he swore he would, he would really have his work cut out for him, especially considering the fact that each of them weighed at least twice what he had at that age.

"We will be going outside to assess your current abilities." he said, as he moved towards the door, hoping and praying that it wouldn't be nearly as bad as he knew it would be.

After ten minutes with his first batch of students who happened to be the youngest of the lot that he would be teaching, Madara could confidently say that it wasn't as bad as he had feared. It was worse. About the only students of his that could actually run rather than awkwardly waddle at a fast walk were the so called "Muggleborn" contingent, and none of them could run faster than an old lady with a load of kindling on her back.

Returning his brother's incredulous look, he pulled out a kunai in order to see if it would properly motivate his panting and wheezing students. It did to a degree, but it was clear that while the frightened and screaming spirit was willing, the flesh was weak and flabby and would have to be seriously conditioned before any of these bratlings reached the level that was expected of a four year-old member of his clan.

Sighing as the knot of sobbing children who would practically be considered adults in his world gratefully made their way back to the castle when the bell rang signalling the end of the lesson, he set the first ten chapters of that Ministry book he'd never bothered to read and three hours of physical conditioning a day as homework and made his way back to the classroom in order to wait for the next group of students he would have to "teach" that day.

* * *

><p>Harry didn't know why but it never failed, every time there was a class that he should dread for whatever reason, it always took place at the end of the week. In his First year, it had been Potions, this time it was Defense Againsgt the Dark Arts with the Uchihas. The whispers about the professors Uchiha had started up on the first day when the entire RavenclawHufflepuff First Year class had returned from their first lesson crying and remained pale and shaking for the rest of the day. Things didn't improve from there, as each succeeding year group came out of their first lesson covered in even more bruises than the last. The entire Seventh Year NEWT class was currently in the hospital wing, as was the entire Sixth year class with the exception of Cho Chang

Now, it was his turn to face the Defense Against the Dark Arts professors from Hell.

Though he knew it would be useless since he would just be sent outside like every other class had been, he had taken a seat at the front of the room where he could get a good look at his new teachers, and possibly assess the level of their hostility towards him. Since one of them was married to Malfoy's aunt, he could easily guess where their allegiances lay, and exactly who they would be trying to take him to or kill him for by the end of the year.

As soon as the entire class had been assembled in the classroom, the Professors Uchiha had led them outside to an open area near the Black Lake. Then, when they were all gathered together, they had the lot of them run. Though it had been years since he'd last been forced to do so, his experience with his Harry Hunting days had left him at the front of the pack despite the fact that he'd slowed down considerably. He wasn't all that far ahead though, Dean Thomas and the other muggle borns in the class followed close behind him and a number of half-bloods with one or two of the more active purebloods trailed behind them.

Without warning, both of the professors had started pulling knives out of hidden pockets on their clothing and throwing them at the group, aiming for and just missing random members who had began to panic and scatter. From near the back where Draco and Neville had been tying for last and now were being trampled by the rest of the group, there was an indignant yell of "Uncle or not, I'm telling my father about this!"

Soon enough, one of the strange cast iron knives thudded into the ground half an inch away from where he had been a second before. Having had experience dodging, he'd known the thing had been coming his way practically since the instant it had been thrown, and had made sure to be out of the way. Unfortunately, this had gotten the attention of his professors, and the one called Izuna had smirked and blurred for an instant before he was suddenly standing in front of him.

While he could see it, he had been unable to dodge the incoming blow that came as the other professor blurred and suddenly re-appeared in the middle of the group that had panicked when the knives had started flying, and had also been unable to prevent the man from taking his glasses. Without his glasses he was damn near blind. Fortunately he'd always been rather good at seeing movement, otherwise he never would have been able to spot the Snitch while playing Quiddich considering the fact that he'd been wearing the wrong prescription of glasses for years and knew it.

He did his best to dodge the incoming blow as his temper snapped and he did something completely inadvisable. After the blow landed, he attempted to hit his teacher back. The key word here being attempted, because long before the blow could land, the man had grabbed his arm, and he found himself on the ground with his arm pinned behind his back, and one of the strange knives pressed against his throat.

"Not bad." the professor who had him pinned said. "It would seem that you aren't a waste of air after all."


	10. Paranoia and Stand-Out Students

Izuna smirked and crumpled the letter that had been sent to him and his brother by his sister-in-law's brother. It would seem that the Malfoy brat had absolutely none of his aunt's spirit, which was a bit of a shame, since that would be about all that the boy would have going for him. Being such a weak coward, the Malfoy boy would never make anything approaching a ninja. He'd been spoiled in just about every way a child could be by his family, and it had completely ruined him.

In fact, almost every "child" in this school was spoiled and almost completely lacking in spirit as well as potential. There were a few standouts however, a few students who hadn't panicked and then broken when faced with minimal violence from a superior force during the assessments though. Only two students out of the hundreds they had tested had fought back, Cho Chang who'd gone on the offensive using some sort of Taijutsu that she'd learned at some point during her childhood, and Harry Potter who'd kept fighting even after his spectacles had been taken unlike the two other half-blind students who'd completely broken when they'd had the same happen to them heedless of the fact that he was completely outclassed.

Strengthwise, Chang and Potter were in the civilian range, but both had the potential to go further even if it was a bit too late to train them to reach a level beyond that of an average member of one of the better clans even if they trained relentlessly for the rest of their lives. Some things had to be learned early, and neither of them or any of the other students for that matter would ever achieve the needed flexibility that he and Madara and every able-bodied Uchiha possessed thanks to the training that had started practically the instant they had been able to pull themselves into a standing position. He seriously doubted that Chang, Potter, or any of the other standouts would train themselves to that level though. This strange world seemingly had no want or need for anyone with that level of skill in the ninja arts, even considering the existence of the so-called Dark Lord.

Based on the average level of skill when it came to running, and the nature of the few wizarding sports that hadn't been invented by muggleborns that they'd heard about in the brief discussions they'd had with the other teachers, physical pursuits weren't held in high value which was worse than a pity. Most of what it was to be to be ninja was physical. To be a ninja one needed to be able to run and fight, as well as climb and move soundlessly in enemy territory. A ninja had to be strong, fast, and flexible both mentally and physically.

He and Madara had been hired to teach the students to defend themselves, which meant that they were being paid to train the students in the one thing they were qualified in, and that was the shinobi arts. Unfortunately, even with their best efforts, few if any of these children would be able to become something approaching ninja in the limited time they had, Madara's vow to teach the students how to be as good as Senju notwithstanding. The process of becoming a proper ninja rather than jutsu fodder was something that took years, and learning to truly be a ninja, especially a ninja of his and Madara's caliber, was something that took a lifetime of dedicated effort.

"Anything interesting come in?" Madara asked as he tended to the owl that had been waiting for a treat or something, pulling him out of his introspection.

"Just a letter from your nephew's father." he said as he gestured to the crumpled ball of parchment that was on the floor behind him.

"He say anything worth listening to?" Madara asked, not moving to pick up the letter.

"No. Just whined about the fact that we weren't properly mollycoddling his only offspring. I'm surprised that he doesn't still wipe the boy's ass." he replied.

Madara went back to fussing over the owl who basked in the attention in a way that none of his hawks did, forgetting the existance of the parchment on the floor. His brother trusted his judgement when it came to missives received, since he knew that he wouldn't geliberately keep anything important from him. As far as he was concerned, the constant letters requesting a truce from Hashirama weren't important. As Tobirama had said long ago when they'd encountered each-other as kids, there would never be peace between their clans, and that incident that had happened when Hashirama and Madara had gone and befriended each-other had proven it.

As Madara handed the owl yet another treat, Lucia walked in from wherever the hell she'd been and spotted the creature.

"What did my brother have to say?" the woman asked curiously.

"Nothing important." Madara replied.

The woman shrugged before moving towards the room that she'd commandeered forcing him to share a room with Madara which was something he hadn't willingly done since he was twelve and Madara was going through that overprotective phase he went through after he'd gotten wounded on the battlefield and it had looked like he might go to join his three elder brothers whod gone on before them in the afterlife. The woman seemed to like her brother about as much as she liked Madara, which was not at all. Apparently the man had gotten on her case for not being married one too many times, and then when the woman had thought that she would be able to live her life in unencumbered freedom Lucius Malfoy had handed his sister over to pay off a gambling debt.

Madara had the devil's own luck when it came to gambling, even when drunk. Especially when drunk. About the only people who could beat Madara on the gambling front would be the Uzumaki. Whether or not Madara's luck had held in this case was somewhat debatable considering exactly what he won and how much he wanted it.

* * *

><p>In another part of the castle, Harry was carefully examining his glasses uncertain as to whether or not he dared to put them on. Ron had led him back into the castle following the rather harrowing Defense Against the Dark Arts class that ended with half the students being sent into the hospital wing - himself not included - because he hadn't been certain as to whether his glasses had been tampered with or not. Hermione had checked the glasses over for curses and had found none, but that wasn't proof of anything since the Asian professors more than likely knew a number of obscure curses that wouldn't be detectable using the standard spells that Hermione knew.<p>

He could track movement with a near uncanny accuracy even in near absolute darkness, but that wouldn't be very helpful in his classes however. Things that stood still were incredibly blurry, and unfortunately blackboards that held important information such as potions recipes didn't move about nor did the text that may be written on them. Therefore he would need his glasses which he wasn't sure were safe to put back on. Each time he tried, he found himself flashing back to that broom incident in First Year.

It was a little early for the murder attempts to start, but then again the Uchiha had already proven themselves to be overachievers.

There was a sigh to his right.

"Just put them on Harry." an exasperated Hermione said.

Bracing himself, he put his glasses on half expecting to die as he did so. Nothing happened aside from the looks of almost morbid anticipation on the faces of his housemates becoming visible before they all turned away from him as one. Apparently, he'd been spared this time.


	11. Another Meeting With the Minister

Izuna and Madara sighed. They would be meeting that odious Minister and his pet for a second time. Apparently, too many kiddies had gone crying to their mommies and daddies about last week's assessment. Normally, when someone hired a ninja to teach, they'd pay the ninja, get the fuck out of the way, and not say anything unless it was obvious that the student or students weren't learning. That was obviously not the case in this world.

Seeing as the Minister was in charge of the local government, the best they could do would be to cover their asses, and hope they still had a job when they walked out of the Headmaster's office. They'd dealt with Fudge's like and even killed several of Fudge's like before and had actually dealt with Fudge himself once, so odds were very good that they'd break even and leave without being put on probation or suspended, and even a chance that they'd walk away from the meeting with more than they'd arrived with.

After giving the password, riding the moving staircase which was quite the novelty, entering the office, politely greeting the Headmaster and his guests, and sitting in the offered seats, they braced themselves for what was to come. People like Fudge liked to hear themselves talk, and boy could Fudge talk. They'd learned that the last time they remembered meeting him.

"I'm really sorry about this. Personally, I like you. You're the reason I'm up in the polls. Apparently, people actually like someone who's brave enough to tell the Press to butt out of their business and emphasize the point by mooning them." Fudge started. "But, the Ministry has been receiving numerous letters from concerned parents and my good friend Lucius..."

"Ah, I see. So our Brother-in-law is unhappy with the fact that our assessment had indicated that his son wasn't fit for more specialized lessons. I'm sorry that you were forced into the unpleasant position of being the go-between on this family issue." Izuna said, internally laughing at what was going to happen to his brother's nephew when word got to his father from the Minister himself that he had failed something, and that the reason Draco had been whining to him had been because he'd failed. It was a petty bit of revenge, but...

"Hem. Hem. Excuse me, but assessment?" the pink toadlike Undersecretary said, cutting across the conversation.

Based on the Minister's expression, he wasn't too happy with her for taking the initiative. Excellent. Get her to interrupt some more, and he would be focusing on her rather than on them.

"My brother and I decided to assess the students' progress in Defense Against the Dark Arts as well as their general physical fitness in order to see what we have to work on. It wouldn't do to have your future Ministry employees breaking under the least bit of strain, or your future Law Enforcement be out of shape and unable to counter the criminal element after all." Madara said, laying it on a bit thick.

"And, the number of students who ended up in the Hospital Wing?" the Minister asked.

"Most of them are malingerers looking for attention, hoping to get sympathy for a couple of minor scrapes and bruises. We did test the top students of each year a bit harder to see if any were capable of handling more specialized lessons, but aside from a student who had training prior to Hogwarts and a very distant relative on our, well, both of our parents' sides, nobody had the potential we were looking for." Madara replied.

"Ah, I see." the Minister said. "And the rumor that you were throwing knives at the students?"

"We just threw some kunai at the kids' feet to see if they could run faster or not." Izuna replied. "It's an old family training method which has been handed down for many generations."

"Kunai?" the Minister asked, apparently the translation spell hadn't been able to translate that word since there was no English equivalent, which was quite fortunate in this case.

"A kunai is a multi-purpose tool. It can be used in gardening, masonry, and climbing." Izuna replied with as smile, having told the technical truth, though neglecting to mention its uses in combat.

"Why would you throw these kunai things at the students to make them run faster?!" the Minister exclaimed.

"To make sure they were actually putting all their effort into it. Children will constantly slack off if you let them, and if you let them slack off, they will try to get away with other things such as causing mischief or lying to get attention." Izuna replied, noting the Undersecretary's nod of understanding. "We don't let any of our students slack off, not even the supposedly important ones."

"Oh?" the Minister said, perking up at this before giving Dumbledore a quick and nervous glance as if he were afraid to say something in front of the man.

Apparently, Izuna had hit on the right thing to say without realizing it. It would seem that one of the "Important" students was on the Minister's shitlist. A student who was either a relative of or favored by Dumbledore if the Minister's glance was any indication. Now to go with the flow and pretend that that had entirely been the plan all along as a proper ninja should.

"I see." the Minister replied. "Well, keep up the good work, and I'll try to find something to tell the parents."

"How about that the Ministry understands their concerns, but believes that making sure their children are proficient in Defense is paramount, especially since their prior instruction has been rather lacking." Izuna replied.

He knew that this wasn't going to win him any points with Dumbledore, but their jobs were dependent on the Minister's goodwill at the moment, and the old Headmaster had been so desperate to have them that he'd hired them without a prior interview or references which meant that any options that he might've had aside from him and his brother were that much worse. He was sure that the old man knew how politics were played, and that he'd understand seeing as he had several titles aside from that of Headmaster.

After a few final pleasantries were exchanged and farewells were said, the Minister and his entourage departed, leaving Izuna and Madara in the position they wanted to keep in order to find the item that their ancestor had hidden with free reign over the students as far as the Ministry was concerned. This was good, because they had planned on remaining in the castle for the rest of the year if it was at all possible. The Hogwarts Library was a rather valuable resource in their quest, as several old maps of the surrounding area were located in its archives as well as the journals of past headmasters which might reveal information on how the landscape had changed since the Sage's visit to this world.

"I must admit that I too have some concerns about your teaching methods." Dumbledore said the instant the fire in the grate turned back to a normal color.

"It may seem cruel now, but it'll produce results." Madara said to the old man. "You are at war, and you can't afford to be kind to the potential combatants. If you coddle them as if they are children, they will only become weak."

"They are children." the Headmaster pointed out.

"Children who may be attacked and forced to fight in order to survive the instant they are away from the safety of your castle." Madara reminded the man. "Do you wish for them to remain weak and die, or do you wish for them to be able to defend themselves should they be attacked?"

"I will concede your point." Dumbledore said. "I just wish that they could be children for a while longer. But, with Tom returned, you are right, we cannot afford that."

Dumbledore then dismissed them.

"What's this about a war?" Izuna asked as soon as they were out of the office.

"The wizards are soft and weak, know nothing of true war, and believe that the supremacist organization's terrorist activities which have yet to resume from their decade-long hiatus constitute one." Madara replied. "It got Dumbledore off our backs didn't it?"

"That it did." Izuna replied.

The next morning at breakfast which Izuna was observing more to see what the average student ate and how much in order to figure out what changes needed to be made to their diet plans, Izuna was treated to a rather amusing sight. An Eagle Owl landed in front of the Malfoy boy who paled the instant he'd read the contents of the letter he'd received before turning to the staff table and glaring at him. Guessing at the contents of the missive, he grinned back and gave the child a mocking salute. That would teach the brat to try to mess with those who were his betters in everything, including subterfuge.


End file.
