Final Fantasy VIII A Memory For Quistis

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A Memory For Quistis

By Sonia Kerr

Authors Notes: just a few quick words. Anyways, when I first started playing FFVIII I immediately fell in love with the character of Quistis Trepe. That is, her personality etc. I thought her to be a thorough and interesting character who kept my interest through out the game. Yet when it finished I couldn't help but want more for her. So absently I sat down and began typing and produced this story in an afternoon. This story is basically from Quistis's point of view concerning an event that takes place after the game. There may be a few spoilers but nothing major or intentional. This story is simply based at exploring her feelings/emotions and just giving Quistis what I feel she deserves. 

I remember Lucan as clear as the sky is blue today, crystal clear. But sometimes, I can't help but wonder if it would be better not to have remembered him at all. Life seemed so much easier before my memories returned, The GF took them away, but at the same time it protected us all from pain. It is easier to live your life not knowing sometimes, and now, with my memories returned…I wish they were all not here.

When Irvine revealed the truth to us all my memories came rushing back like an open flood-gate, striking every emotion until it was almost unbearable to go on. It was nice to have some of those scenes returned to me, the upbringing in the orphanage with Matron and the others. But with the good came the bad and painful, the rejection that lead me to be placed in an orphanage in the first place, and of course…there was Lucan.

In my recollect I was adopted out of the orphanage when I was 11 years old, to a loving family in Dollet. They took me in and gave me all the love and attention a young girl needed, there was not a day that went by in which I did not feel loved. I never forgot those people, perhaps they were never completely clear in my mind after I became a SeeD, but they were still there. A far of vacant memory that would never die because it was coated in so much love and devotion, something my heart would not let my mind forget.

I joined SeeD at 15 and became an instructor at 17, during my time as an instructor I trained a young man named Squall. I used to feel that I was in love with Squall, however, when my memories were returned I realised the love I held for him was that of an older sister figure. As time passed I used to wonder, if I did believe that I loved Squall then that love had to come from somewhere. An emotion that had remained and unconsciously was passed onto Squall, but when I learnt it was not real love, I began to wonder.

The love I though I felt had to come from somewhere, and if it was not for Squall, where did it come from? I pondered over this many times, and even let out my anguish and the need to understand that emotion by leading Squall to find and understand the love of his own heart. When he finally admitted and accepted his love for Rinoa I wanted nothing more then to have someone love me the same way he loved her. I knew I did not care for Squall like that for I was happy to see them together, it did not tear away at me, or cause me any inner pain.

But I did crave that feeling, that devotion and adore and the more I thought about it, the more I realised the emotion of love was strong in my heart. Pining for the one it belonged to, thirsting to be expressed to the one my mind had sealed away and would not let me remember. 

I would spend many hours pondering this feeling within my heart. A love that was boiling for another human, a love that had always been there before I could remember. Love does not just grow or die, I did not make up this feeling, it was just always present and I had thrust my mind into originally believing it belonged to Squall. But when I realised it did not, I could not but wonder who this feeling was for, who was it that my heart beat so fast for?

As time went by I simply threw my self back into SeeD and the garden, my performance during the sorceress dilemma had impressed both Cid and the rest of Garden that my instructor license was retuned and I easily slipped back into teaching my students once again. It put my mind to ease been an instructor once again, my students had all returned as eagre as ever, and the Trepe groupies always lightened my moods. It was nice to know that people had so much faith in you. 

But still, as time would pass by I would always find my self-alone at the secret spot behind the training centre late at night. My students and other trainees would be there with another, but I was always there alone. I know I could have spent this time in my room, but been under the stars looking over the garden seemed to sooth my mind a little. The night skies seemed to play heavy upon my memories, but no matter how hard I tried to draw up their recollect properly, I would find it fading away.

As I continued to use the GF I couldn't help but wonder if it would be easier to just forget everything once again. I still had all my friends and as long as we were together we would all be able to remember the orphanage and growing up together. I was not risking loosing the special bond we have by using the GF, but I would be losing the chance to remember things I could not recall properly. But if that were to happen, then I hoped it would be easier to forget the emotions that were causing such havoc upon my peace of mind.

Each day that slipped by was like another chance of remembering washed away, I would take students out to the training centre and with my GF equipped the pain seemed to slowly be subsiding. My heart would still beat painfully, but the depths of my mind was where it was been put away, buried beneath a heavy rock and slipping into a black hole that would not be uncovered for sometime. It began to feel good to, like I could go on living as I had before, with my friends and students and a pieced together past, no confusions in my mind or life. I was, just your average girl.

What is average though, to me it meant I lived my life feeling happy, doing what I wanted to, having friends I cared about dearly and returned that to me. A girl who had a job she loved and utterly enjoyed, an outlook on life that said she would be happy. That was how I was living my life as I continued to use the GF to further my training abilities and continue as a SeeD in garden.

I suppose if it really worried me I could of left SeeD, but that meant giving up the one thing I love more then life. SeeD, the garden, it was my home, where my friends were, my future and career. Even Matron, the woman we all thought of as our mother lived there, after all, SeeD and Garden were her creations. So I was more then happy to continue living my life the way I always had, the GF taking away, or more so, preventing memories from returning. With it went that pining love I did not understand, and I was grateful. For with it gone, I did not need to worry myself over whom it belonged to or where it had come from.

Time went by, life went on, I continued teaching the new lines of students that entered garden, occasionally I would accompany my friends of SeeD missions, but I felt more comfortable teaching then physically participating. Outside if SeeD things were running smoothly as well, my friends were living their lives happily, even Seifer who I saw on occasion was enjoying himself. He was still over confidant but that was the way he was and I was used to it. Squall and Rinoa were falling more and more in love every time I saw them, perhaps it was this that would always relight that smouldering love my heart was hiding for a person I did not remember.

Returning to my lonely room late at night after spending time with my friends I would begin to ponder that emotion that was slowly fading once again. Yet no matter how much I tried I could not trace its course, or bury it completely with the GF as I had hoped to do. I would on occasion go for weeks without that feeling been present, but a split moment spent with Squall and Rinoa would bring it back with burning reinforcements. Sometimes it would come back so powerfully that I would convince myself the emotion truly was for Squall and I was simply jealous of Rinoa. But coming to my senses I would realise how stupid I was been trying to fake of the unknown on a simple solution that I knew was false.

I never told any of the others about this feeling of love I was experiencing, maybe I feared that one of them would know the cause. Or perhaps I was just afraid of the idea that they too would not know and I would spend the rest of my life never knowing who I had been in love with. I guess I also held a niggling feeling that perhaps they would think I was crazy, after all…I was in love with someone I did not know or recall. I could give no name, no description, just a feeling in my heart.

I went on living like this for some time, just accepting that my fate was to live with this feeling forever until I met someone I could transfer it over to. But I always wondered if that would be a task I could pull of successfully, or would this strange love just always exist, never to disappear or be shared. Perhaps this person was my one true love…and I was doomed to never see him, never know him…never share the feeling I possessed with him.

However, a day did come, in the middle of spring, the flowers were blooming and it was truly a day out of a picture book. One of those sun stroked days of colour and perfumes that an artist would give up his life to just have to opportunity to paint once. I had just dismissed my class early and it was coursing on lunch time, and rather then try a feeble attempt to snare a hotdog, I chose instead to wander out into the yard and sit under a blooming tree and admire all that was growing around me.

I never made it down to the garden immediately as I had planned, for during the short trip I met someone, someone I did not know but should have. I had just came around the corner when I noticed the lift doors beginning to close, so instead of stepping back and waiting I raced forward to catch that trip. I barely made it, and the doors would have slammed shut if not for the hand which had appeared and held the doors open. I did not know that someone was already on the lift, for they had been off to the side leaning against the wall near where the buttons were situated. But hearing my approach they had stepped forward and held the door.

When I had gathered myself together in the lift I managed to not look an utter mess. Despite the flushed red in my cheeks from the race to the lift, my uniform was in fine condition as was the rest of my appearance. I straightened up and spoke my desired floor number then realised I had not offered any thanks for holding the lift. So I turned to the man who stood next to the buttons, his thumb-pressing floor 1 while he faced me, a slight grin playing upon his lips.

The man was new to the Garden, I was sure of it, yet interestingly enough he was probably older then me just. He was, I must say, a handsome man, dressed in the usual garb of students here, that is the Garden Uniform. A pair of long dark blue pants and a button up dark blue shirt with the Garden symbol upon it. His shirt was slightly unbuttoned around the collar revealing his white shirt beneath it. His hair was black with a slight bluish hue to it, cast off by the light and his clothing colour, short at the back but long enough to have the strands hanging forth and into his eyes, slightly wild similar to Squalls I guess, just not as wild and long.

Then there were his eyes, they looked directly at me, into me, and through me…I felt as though my whole life was been poured out of my body caught in his gaze. A pair of the deepest green eyes you could ever imagine. Like the leaves of an oak tree, but greener…a green beyond description I suppose one would say. But no matter what, they were truly the most beautiful eyes I had ever seen and I was willing to lose myself in them forever.

I had seen eyes almost as bright once before in my life, and they belonged to Squall…but his were blue, and no matter how much I tried to remember. I could not tell you if it was as easy to lose yourself in Squall's eyes as it was to do with this mans. Sometimes I wonder how much time passed as I stared into his eyes, but neither of us seemed to notice, or perhaps he did but just did not say anything so as to avoid embarrassment on my half.

I did manage to come to my senses as the elevator jerked to a halt, he turned his head away and watched the doors open, thus I was released from the entrancing hold of his eyes.

"This is the main floor right?" He asked looking up toward the glowing numbers situated over the door, floor 1, and the main floor to garden, so I responded.

"That's right…my stop…" I was amazed at how together my response sounded, there was no stammering, nothing. It came out as I had hoped it would, direct.

"And mine I believe…this leads to the Quad right?" he had by now stepped forward blocking the doors from closing, eyes glancing out over the inside of gardens first floor. I watched him for a brief moment and concluded that he must of come directly from Cid's office, else he would have previously been given a tour of some kind. Which meant, in my mind, that he must have been a transfer student who had reported immediately to Cid, not taking in any of Garden before hand.

"That's right…" I finally responded and realising that there were others waiting for the lift I stepped off, followed immediately by him, who those who had been waiting slipped by and entered the lift themselves.

The doors had only just slid shut when I noticed he was still standing beside me, his neck arched and his eyes gazing upward, staring at the ceiling, the never ending sky and floors of Garden. I knew, from personal experience, that it was impressive, Balamb garden was the largest of all Gardens across the world. I found myself smiling as his jaw dropped in utter amazement, those gorgeous eyes widening as he allowed his eyes to take in everything. The area before him, the pathways that lead in a circle about the centre pillar and the lush greenery and flowing water. I had almost forgotten what it was like to experience Balamb garden for the first time and watching this young man it all came back to me. The overwhelming feeling it brought, you felt so small the first time you stood alone in the Garden.

"It is beautiful isn't it?" I spoke out finally unable to hold back the urge to find out what the thought of my garden.

"It is…much larger then I had initially expected, Trabia is perhaps only half the size of this…which is understandable I guess.."

I knew what he meant, Trabia had been hit by missiles not long ago and was still in the process of been rebuilt. The building facility was there, but a lot of the infrastructure was still gone. Trabia only housed the necessary components, classrooms, infirmary, cafeteria and dorms. The training centre was still in shambles so most of the students had to train in the fields surrounding the garden. This was a good replacement, for the creatures varied in types and strength and it was not that dangerous for the students.

"So you are a transfer student?" I asked in a more matter of fact statement then a question.

"Yes, I just arrived this morning…" He finally looked away from the surroundings and placed those eyes back upon me, and I knew I was lost in them almost immediately.

"So you must of being with Headmaster Cid all morning?"

"That's right." It was interesting listening to this guy speak, he was so different from those I knew. Squall for one was always blunt in his response, Zell excited, and all my other friends had a distinct style that I was used to. My students spoke to me just as that, I was their superior so I was approached with respect. Yet this man spoke in a different manner, he was friendly, but not overly friendly, his voice carried the sense of a man who was perhaps quite aloof and always deep in thought.

I stood with him for a moment longer, his eyes drifting from my form and watching other students walking at the bottom of the stairs "The headmaster said it would be useless for me to attempt to gain any lunch…is this true?"  
Those eyes were on me once again and I smiled weakly "If you want anything good that is, it is a race around here to get the good food."

He nodded his response and continued looking at me "What about you? Are you going to try?"  
I had to laugh at that thought, for I had never, for as long as I could recall, rushed to the cafeteria, I was more content to eat whatever I could get my hands on. I did not need to have a hot dog as much as Zell did at times. "It's useless to try…" I trailed off then, the realisation hit me suddenly, this man was subtle… and I had nearly over looked his intent, or so I believe anyway. He was knew to Balamb and alone, I had no doubt that if he was alone or not he would not really care. But I believed he would prefer to have someone show him around at least. "I was heading to the quad though…I could…if you'd like. Show you around." Something crossed his face at those words and for the first time I noticed that there was a scar upon his cheek in the form of an X. It was almost invisible but I noticed it at that moment, perhaps because it was the first time I had looked away from his eyes.

"I'd like that…I think…" his eyebrows furrowed as though he was actually contemplating if a guide was what he wanted, but the look was shook away and he nodded "Thank you…"

"You're welcome…" I managed a smile and stepped aside as he quickly descended the stairs, halting at the bottom to turn and wait for me, he called out though before I stepped down.

"My name is Lucan." He touched his forehead as though in salute, but he was grinning as he said his name.

"Quistis…Quistis Trepe."

He frowned momentarily as I descended the stairs to join him "Quistis Trepe…The instructor right?"  
I nodded when I joined him at the bottom of the stairs "Is that a problem?"  
"Not at all, but you realise…I've been assigned to you?"

I held back the smile that was trying to force its way forward, because it felt so odd that I would be this mans instructor, he was, as I previous presumed, older then I.

As though reading my mind he quickly explained himself "It's ok, I know you think its funny…but I was a late starter that's all…I was a wanderer before I joined Garden other wise I would have been a SeeD by now. I figured been a SeeD pays better then been a wander." 

I let the smile win me over "It would…how did you know?"

"I saw the look in your eyes, " he offered this with a shrug "It doesn't bother you does it?"  
"Of course not."

"Good." Those eyes fell upon me once again, I never knew it was possible for someone to be so captured by a set of eyes before and my heart began to pound for the first time since our meeting.

So that was it, I showed him around the Garden, I took him to all the places he would need to know the location of, the library, the car-park, and the infirmary. As we stopped of at the Cafeteria it was interesting to see the jealousy that arouse amongst my 'groupies' when they spied me with this young man. Of course, I had no doubt in my mind that Lucan did no notice. He was too indulged in what I was saying, looking about himself and basically being overwhelmed with the garden.

I'm not sure how long it was that I showed Lucan around, but it felt like hours to my body when he emerged in the quad. Lucan seemed slightly tired to by this stage as he slumped down on the top of a table situated under a tree. I joined him but chose to sit upon the seat rather then the table top, I leant back and allowed the cool breeze of the day to sweep over me as I, for the first time, realised how beautiful of day it actually was. The flowers were blooming, the sun shining, the breeze was just right…it was in short, a perfect day.

Lucan must have detected this contentment in me for when I looked at him he was smiling, a pleasant smile that I could tell was directed at my contentment. "This is definitely an impressive place Quistis…" He offered finally ""But then, after Trabia…"  
I nodded understanding his words then queried him "Why did you leave Trabia?"  
"Ah…" his jaw dropped open and he seemed to be lost for words or an explanation "I. I don't really know…I guess, I heard the facilities here were better…so they transferred me."  
"But you must have applied to be transferred right?"  
"Right…" he trailed off and I noticed a red hue crossing his cheeks "It doesn't matter any way…you wouldn't believe me if I told you."

"Why not?"  
He frowned "Because it's absurd."

I didn't know what to think at that moment because my heart was beating fast once again, that feeling I would forget at times before it came back with reinforcements was there again. I hated it when it appeared for no reason because it messed with my train of thoughts.

"You all right?" Lucan asked finally and hearing his voice broke through the beating of my heart and I managed to look at him once again. He was leaning slightly forward, his legs beside me, which he was leaning upon so his face was nearly next to mine. I could hear his breathing and when I turned, those green eyes entrapped me once again.

"I'm…fine…" I managed, but in truth I was not fine at all. After all, here I was sitting with a young man I hardly knew and my heart was pounding uncontrollably, was it trying to tell me something? I had no idea, I tried to reason with it though. Lucan was a stranger to me, and I was a stranger to him, therefore, my heart could not of been signalling anything to do with him, except. Maybe it was his eyes…those gorgeous eyes that I had become fixated upon…perhaps, the man I did not remember or know had eyes like his. That was all I could come up with, Lucan did not know me…and I did not know him…or did I? I had no idea, but one thing is for sure, I was confused.

Lucan did not speak much after that, he seemed settled on my response that I was fine, he most likely knew I wasn't but said nothing to pressure me further. I noticed the he seemed content in silence, the wind blowing about us as other students hurried to class or so on. He did seem to have a pining urge to be in a large group of people, talking or having fun. He seemed more comfortable just sitting there with me, not speaking, without words there was more passing between us then either of us noticed.

For you see, as time went on I became Lucan's instructor as was set about by Cid. He was by far a gifted student, it was not just his advanced age over the other students, and it was the truth. I learnt that his time as a wander, or to be exact, a treasure hunter/thief had equipped him with more skill then nearly any other student I had ever taught. It was clear, although he would not admit it at times, that he would use his talent as a thief to aid him in training and battles, thus allowing him easy victories over nearly everyone. The only person he was yet to defeat was myself, and he seemed reluctant to lift his gun-blade against me.

I thought this to be strangely cute, for when he was plunged into a battle against another sword or gun-blade wielding student there was no holding back. The outcomes frequently reminded me a Seifer vs Squall battle and I would be summoned to the infirmary afterwards to collect the wounded and scowled them for their actions. Of course, a lot of my time my reprimand fell on deaf ears when Lucan would look at me with those eyes, I could curse the heavens for giving him those for no matter how angry I would grow, they would always win me over in the end.

I did try to drag him out onto the field at one point, equipping myself with my save the Queen, the best possible upgrade for my kind of weapon, my beloved whip. I informed him prior to entering the battle that I had done this, so he need not be concerned about the power of his gun-blade over my weapon. Which I was certain was part of his concern, the gun-blade, in truth, could tear up my original whip due to its sharp blade. But not my Save the Queen, this weapon is vicious and has not let me down yet; most students cower away when I offer to use this in a training exercise. It did not phase Lucan though, he accepted my challenge, yet I'm sure it was a decision made with a heavy heart.

That was perhaps the only time I ever dared to challenge Lucan, and the time my opinion toward him altered slightly. I must admit I already had a soft spot for him, but after that battle I found myself drawn to him more so then before. For you see, when one is taken out to the training field it is usually just those involved, but due to the fact that I, an instructor was involved, many other students decided to mingle about the field to see how Lucan would fair against the Instructor.

I must say he faired quite well, considering his initial reluctance, and perhaps he was aided by the embarrassment brought on by the presence of so many other students. For there were many, and most unfortunately had decided it was not a training expedition but in fact a proper battle, with silent bets and such being placed upon whom would win and what the outcome would be.

Thus as the fight had proceeded it was Lucan who made the first moves, but each stroke or slash with the gun-blade show the evidence that he was holding back. I'm not sure if the others saw this in his moves but I been on the receiving end felt the lack of strength being delivered. Thus the battle proved to be a failure of sorts, for with Lucan not willing to fight properly, I myself would not dare to take advantage of this, and we both pulled out. I know this move was considered strange in the eyes of the other students, and it was also one that caused much commotion amongst all. After all, their instructor had pulled out of a fight, not because she couldn't win…but because she did not want to hurt her opponent…the man whom she had grown quite attached to.

Thus this was part of the aid that caused there to be a large amount of tension between us, not bad nor good, but strange. For it became aware to me one day after a class exam that I had overlooked an important aspect in Lucan's life. By now the pair of us had grown to be quite good friends, extremely close, but there was always that annoying pounding of my heart which confused me more then ever before. For you see, it was not till that day after exam, when Lucan had lingered behind sorting through his equipment at his desk that I realised something that could change everything.

Lucan was still seated at his desk, his gun-blade resting by his side as he pulled out a series of equipment from under his desk, and as I approached him I realise it was his GF. How had I, someone whose life had been changed by those things, had missed such a vital aspect as the GF? He must have noticed my faltered step and shock, for he looked up from his collection and frowned.

"What's wrong?"

I didn't know how to respond immediately so I shrugged then pieced together my words "How…How long have you…used your GF?"

Lucan frowned at this and looked at those upon his desk, then after sometime he finally responded "I stole my first GF when I was 13 years old…I've been using it ever since so that's around 7 years."

"Seven years…?"

"Yeah…" after he spoke he quickly swept the collection away from sight "Why?"  
"Can I ask you something…?" As I said this, my heart was signalling its journey into colossal beating once again, those capturing eyes taking possession of myself anew.

"Sure…"  
"Can you…can you remember when you were younger? Before the GF?" I knew I was treading on thin ice here, the possibilities were endless, the responses wide and far, I was hoping for a miracle that might explain all that I was. It was excruciating how much time must of passed between use as Lucan thought about my words, his handsome face altering as he tried to draw up memories, to piece together anything that would substantiate as an answer. Finally he looked directly at me once again, those eyes boring into me and I felt my heart increase its beating, I knew this was it in the way he looked at me, I was hoping…perhaps my miracle was to come true.

"No." came his answer as a single word "Not a thing…well, I remember a few months or so before…but that's it. Why do you ask?"  
I had never felt my spirits fall as fast as they did that day, they dropped from 100 to 0 in less then a second and I felt as though I would begin to cry any minute. But what had I honestly expected? Did I honestly believe Lucan would turn around and tell me that it is him I am in love with? He is the reason my heart beats the way it does, because I was in love with him as a child? Really, I was been irrational and absurd in my thinking. I just wanted someone to love, an easy explanation for the way I felt, and I had hoped Lucan was it.

Was I actually falling for Lucan though? Putting aside the way my heart pounds, was there a possibility that, I had honestly began to fall in love with him. Not the thought that he was who my heart once pounded for, but because, my heart was genuinely drumming for him? Not a memory or a thought, but honest emotions that had grown from time spent together. I couldn't be sure; it was as confusing as everything was before our meeting. 

"What's wrong with you?" He asked finally after my long bout of silence and thinking, those green eyes filled with concern as he rose from his seat, I stepped back with my own feeling of shock when I realised he was about to grab me. Whether just to sturdy my shaking form or not, I would never know, because I had stepped out of reach and he drew away.

"I…you honestly do not remember anything do you?"  
"Should I?"  
The way I was questioning him did make it seem as though he was meant to remember something, but why should he, if I could not remember my past, why did I expect him to remember his own. Yet, for all I knew our pasts were as different as day and night, I was pushing for the impossible.

"No…of course not…GF's make you forget…did you know that?"  
Lucan shrugged as he gathered up his gun-blade and other equipment "I did, but when I found out I figured it was too late. Beside's, I doubt my past is worth remembering any how."  
"You believe that?"  
He nodded "Of course, I was a thief before I joined Garden. For a person to become a thief means their childhood must of being awful. Thus, it's probably better left forgotten."  
I guess you can not argue with that belief, for I know that if I had lived an awful childhood, I would be glad to be able to forget. This also seemed to suggest to me that Lucan, had nothing to do with the love of my childhood, and strangely enough, this upset me deeply, and he noticed this depression in my face.

"Are you all right Quistis?"

I didn't know how to respond to this question for I did not know the answer myself, I was, in short, distraught, because what I had been hoping was not true, I thought I could put aside all my questioning finally. But that was not to be, instead I was as puzzled as before, perhaps even more so. For now, I was not even sure if I was falling in love with Lucan, or the idea that he was possibly the man of my past.

"I think so…"  
"You look pale…are you sure?" Concern etched in his face and I watched it spread, my eyes falling upon the scar upon his cheek, and in a desperate attempt to pull my self out of my depression I decided to question him again "That scar Lucan…how did you get it?" I had been meaning to ask him this question since the first time we met, but always forgot when I became lost in his eyes. So now seemed like the perfect time to ask.

Lucan was taken aback by my questioning, mainly because it was unexpected. He had most likely been expecting me to say something about why I had suddenly grown pale and was swaying like a drunk in my stance. The look upon his face made me feel as though I was intruding on a sacred memory perhaps, a tender spot in his past that he did not like to share. "Well…um…" he began speaking his voice stammering, eyebrows furrowing as he tried to recollect an answer for me, his fingers running over the scared flesh as though hoping that would draw up the answer he was searching for.

I could only presume from his inability to respond that it must have occurred before the use of his GF and thus, his mind was blank when it came to recalling that time, but he was still trying to draw forth the memory.

"I…I think…someone did it to me…no um…I…I can't remember…I'm sorry, I've had it for as long as I can remember and probably before." He ran his fingers over the flesh once more then dropped his hand away from his face and frowned sadly. I supposed the realisation that he had forgotten perhaps a significant part of his past hurt him and I had been the one to cause it with my questioning.

"It doesn't matter Lucan…" I offered hoping to draw him out of his brief bout of sadness, but he seemed troubled by my words as he touched his scar once again.

"I guess so, you know…if there was one thing I could remember. It is where the scar came from, the rest I don't care." He took his hand away from it again "But then again, I'm sure the scar came in misery…so I'm better off not knowing."

I shook my head, I could tell he was determined in his belief about not remembering, there was no use pressuring him into it. He used the GF and was glad he had, there was no regrets coming from him like I held at times. I just would have to accept that, but it is hard when you dream up your own fantasy and there is no hope of it being true.

"You really don't care? You could have forgotten important things Lucan…do you really not want to know your past?"  
"If I did, I'd stop using the GF so much. I have no reason to remember…why do you keep asking me about this?" I knew I had been pushing him too much about the GF and the way his eyes locked on mine I knew he was more then curious, perhaps urging on the edge of annoyance, I wasn't sure.

"I'm sorry…don't worry about it Lucan." I held up my hands to signal my intention not to carry the conversation any further in that direction, my defeat and apology was evident I'm sure in my gesture and smile.

But Lucan did not leave it there instead he took a path I wasn't expecting "Your past must of meant a lot to you. Otherwise you wouldn't be so worried about mine. Do you remember yours?"  
I was taken aback by this question for I did not know how to answer or what he was expecting me to say. I took another step back until I was able to lean against the desk behind me, my fingers touching my lips as I thought of what to say. Not daring to look into his eyes for I knew I would become entrapped in them and come off looking a fool. It was strange how easy his eyes took a hold of me, he must of being aware of their power, it's a wonder he did not exert it all the time. Finally I dropped my hand away form my lips and folded my arms across my breast and spoke softly. 

"I remember some of my past…most of the important things from my childhood…"

"Most?" his eyebrows cocked at this word and I felt myself warming to him more then ever before. The genuine concern and want to know my feelings and dilemmas so easy to fall for.

"Yes, there are things I do not remember that I wish I could…but it is impossible I suppose."  
Lucan sighed and his eyes looked mournful as I watched them, unable to look away from the two greens I had fallen in love with "Nothing is impossible Quistis…but maybe it's not that important to know… Tell me Quistis…are you happy?"  
"What?" I felt foolish for the word came out utterly shocked and unexpected as it broke forth from my throat.

"Are you happy?" he repeated.  
I had to think about his words, I was happy wasn't I? I had friends, a job I loved, people who trusted me…what more was there to make a person happy. But still, there was that feeling in my heart that I could not control. Yet how could such a small thing make one unhappy, the truth was, it didn't, it just drove me insane…I was obsessed with it. But in basic truth of confessions, I was happy…I just was not complete. Perhaps Lucan knew this, perhaps those eyes saw this in me and that was why he questioned me. So as I gathered together my thoughts I refused to look at him until I was prepared to answer, but my strung together reply was not delivered in the manner I had wanted it to be "I…I guess I am happy."  
"You guess?" he questioned immediately and I cringed at his words, what did he want for me…should I just tell. Explain to him that there is something missing, how I am in love with someone from my past that I don't remember. No, that would be lying, I am obsessed with the fact that I can not remember who I was once in love with, and who the feeling of love belongs to. Could I tell him that I wanted that to be settled so I could love another, would he think it was him.

Did I love Lucan though…this question continually pops up in my mind and the only way I can deal with it is to compare it with Squall and Rinoa's relationship. Squall and Rinoa were the only true loves I had ever seen, a man willing to risk everything for the woman he loved. I had seen them falling in love, I had seen how it all occurred and all I could do was try and compare Lucan and I to them. I know it is foolish to do such a thing, but I was so confused that it seemed the only plausible thing to do.

So as I stood there with him I began a feeble comparison, here was Lucan, a man not unlike Squall, and I, quite different from Rinoa. At first I decided to take in one thought that made me feel that it was possible for him to love me. After all, when Rinoa first entered the picture I decided there was no hope for Squall and I, ever since Lucan's first day, no other girl has dared to try and pursue a relationship with him…and my own Trepe groupie No1 has gone into reclusion. Maybe other people saw something between us that we did not let one another know. But our relationship was not like Squall and Rinoa's, I could find hardly any similarities and thus decided to conclude…that I did not love Lucan, just the idea of been in love with someone…with him.

"Quistis…"

I shook my head and returned to reality, away from my thoughts with my thought out conclusion. Only to have it buried under a pile of rubble when I realised that Lucan was standing only inches away from me, his eyes locked on my own and his hand touching my shoulder.

He must have seen the embarrassment flowing onto my face like water pouring from a jug, but he did not let go nor acknowledge it. His eyes simply remained firm and serious, gentle concern for my well being evident in every pour, ever line, every feature he possessed. But I would not allow myself to look beyond the concern to the growing love; I wouldn't allow myself to even look for it.

"What's wrong with just living in the now? With what you have…you seem happy…" His words were so tender I could almost not bare it, I knew that if I had allowed myself to remain looking into those eyes I would have been his forever at that precise moment. But my pride got in the way and I looked away, the thought of the past still there…I knew I could not live happily unless I knew, unless I was able to remember that person. All I needed was a name and a face, something I could put aside and let the love pass on, if that was what Lucan wanted.

I never answered him that time; instead I shook my head and fought back the tears before running from the room. Knowing full well that those I passed were aware of my tears and pain, aware that they knew what had caused it when Lucan emerged only seconds later, desperately searching for me. But that day as I entered the lift, I saw him approaching, and instead of holding the door like he had for me on that first day of meeting. I watched as it closed, shutting him out, the last sight I saw was him coming to a halt as the doors completely closed, our eyes locked.

When you are an instructor it is hard to avoid your students, thus I was lucky that Lucan was aware that I did not want to speak to him after that day. He kept his distance although I could see the pain in his eyes, with every passing lesson he would act as a man on orders. No life in what he said or did, like a robot, and I knew it was my fault. All I had to do was tell him, but I couldn't.

I always thought I was more grown up then the others, after all, I was a SeeD at 15…instructor at 17, I was the big sister figure amongst all my friends. Yet now, I was being childish and immature, hiding from my feelings and shutting out the one I should be open to. I was, in my opinion, acting like Squall had so long ago. Shutting people out for fear of being hurt. No, that is not true…I was shutting out Lucan from fear of being happy…from fear of having to forget the past and just living in the now. I didn't want to forget who I was or what I had lived though. I confused myself so often…I just wanted to be given the chance to remember who it was I once loved, who it was my heart beat for. If I could just know, then I could be happy.

It was an easy thing to say, but so absurd that I could not share it with anyone…and what if Lucan was in love with me…perhaps he would resent me for being able to put my feelings aside to find out something from the past. The thought that I might still be in love with whomever that person was…it could ruin any chances of happiness between us…although my stubbornness was ruining it just as easily.

That was how I went on for weeks, hardly talking to Lucan, ignoring him as best I could despite the actual pain it brought me. But I managed to survive, although many people were worried about me, for I seemed to be growing weaker everyday. Hiding in my room and actually crying, Xu would be the only person who would come by and speak to me during this state. She would play triple triad and was pleased to see that my current state had no affect on my position in the CC club. But no matter how much prying she did, I would not tell her what was bothering me. Although I am certain she had her suspicions…most people did.

Weeks turned into months and during that time Lucan never strayed from seeming to have eyes only for me. He would sit silently in the quad or cafeteria and watch me from afar, the angst evident in his gaze although I tried to ignore it. I would always feel him following me but keeping his distance, he sensed the pain within my heart and knew that he could not fix it…only I could do that. But he was willing to wait, and because of that, I hurt even more then before. Here I was a girl, with a man willing to give her his heart…but unable to accept it or return her own because of the past…because of someone and something she could not remember. She was, I was, utterly foolish in that action.

It was a day near the beginning of autumn that I found myself at the secret spot within the training centre, late at night and past curfew. I was the only one there, alone and depressed as I watched the stars twinkling over the Garden, a night of utter beauty that should be shared with another. Yet I was there alone, myself and my grief…the tears that dropped from my eyes and landed on the cemented edge of the balcony. But it was during this time that something happened, I found myself growing weaker with every passing second until finally, I collapsed upon the ground.

I was in a state of shock; my muscles had stopped responding and so I lay there slumped against the edge of the balcony, unable to lift myself, unable to cry out for help. Just sitting there in a stupor brought about by my own foolishness. For you see, due to my obsession with the past, for the last few months or so I had refrained from using the GF and now I was paying the consequences.

When a person does not use a GF for a few days or even a couple of weeks their body does not begin to feel the side affects, because at some time they will pick on up and junction it for only a few minutes. But too truly starve yourself of that needed strength, that is utter torture as I had discovered during the past months.

I had decided that I could not go on without knowing the past, and so, I cast aside Shiva, Siren and the other GF's I held dear. I put them in the bottom of my dresser tucked away so I would not be tempted to draw them again and junction them even for a minute. I had to remember I had to dig deep into my subconscious and reveal the past I had forgotten. I had to bring it forth; I craved that knowledge more then any addict in existence.

So now I was suffering the full affects of being unjunctioned for so long, my body craving the presence and added strength that Shiva had provided for so long. I could almost feel my muscles and tendons being drained of their fluids and strength, the bones turning into liquid to prevent myself for standing. The mind a continuous thumping like a hammer striking the skull over and over. I was feeling more pain in this one moment then I ever had before in battle. The pain was beyond that of nearing knock out during a fight, nothing could compare to what I felt right now.

But I had to endure it as I pressed my hand to my forehead, this is what I had to go through to remember and I was willing to do so. I was more then ready for more pain to flow through my veins; nothing my body could dish out would cause me to cry for mercy. I would not stop until I remembered, and as if understanding this, my eye sight blacked out, my mind going as black as person having a blanket thrown over them.

When my sight was regained it was not what I had expected to see, for I was standing in a small room. 

A room I recognised immediately for it was my bedroom in Dollet, overlooking a small alleyway with the sounds of the beach in the distance. I knew very well that just beyond the alleyway were the stairs that lead down to the main beach of Dollet. For I had visited there quite frequently, it was no more then a five-minute walk, perhaps even less.

So here I was in Dollet, in my old bedroom, my adopted mother down stairs most likely cooking as was her favourite past time, and my adopted father would be down at the wharfs doing whatever it was he did. I never knew what his job was, but it involved spending most of his time on the wharf. 

But all this did not matter to me right then, there was something, something different in the air that was foreign to my usual life style in that room. Most of the time I would be lying sprawled upon my bed reading the latest copy of timber mechanics or reading an article about Garden and SeeD. It was here that my desire to join SeeD sprouted, I was only 11years old and always full of life and things like that. So it was only natural for a desire to enter SeeD to develop.

But that day I was unable to concentrate due to a noise outside the window, it was hovering up from the alleyway and entering my room like a wafting scent from the ocean. It struck my ears and drew my attention away from the magazine I had been reading, curiosity coming before the dreams within my mind. So casually and slightly sleepily I crawled from my bed and walked toward the window, looking with squinted eyes as my hand curled over the windowsill. I hauled my body forward until I was hanging half way out and looked down, searching the alleyway for the source of the sound.

That was where I saw him, a young boy, older then I and looking like he had not eaten in days. Even from where I stood so high above him I could tell he was a child who had survived most of his life on the streets. He was skinny but well aware of what he was doing, skilfully searching and hounding the people who passed by. Able to pick a woman who had money and would be willing to share it, to a child who had a stash of gil in his pocket within easy reach.

I find this boy rather mesmerising, the way he worked with such confidence and no fear of being caught. He was surviving the only way he knew how and I couldn't help but admire him for this, thus I continued to watch for hours. Yet as the day slipped by the boy was joined by another more burly and stout man, bulging with muscles and even from the height I was at I could smell the sweat reeking from his body.

I managed to overcome the repugnant scent he was emulating and watched what occurred next. The man, I presumed was an acquaintance of the boys, a father or brother, or even his partner, for he was demanding to see how much the boy had earned that day. Picking him up by front of his shirt and holding him high in the air as his feet dangled, hands desperately searching the pouch that was slung over his shoulder for his earnings. 

The boy was violently thrown back upon the ground, his hand still buried within the pouch as his back struck the brick wall. I heard the sound echoing upward and knew the boy must of being in pain, yet he did not show it or cry out. Instead he lifted himself upright and faced the man, standing his ground, refusing to hand over his money.

At this point I wished someone would interfere, I knew I could try to call out, but by the time my words would be heard the man could kill the boy and be gone in a matter of seconds. Thus I knew that anything I tired would be useless and perhaps put him further into danger. So I remained looking from my window as the burly man continued to threaten the boy.

For sometime I relieved in the thought that the man would only place threats upon the boy, hoping his strong exterior and physique would frighten him enough into handing over the money. But I was wrong in that assumption, for I did not know enough about such people, thieves and such. They are brutish sect of society who believes that violence and bloodshed is the necessary path to success.

If I had known that back then, I would have tried to find help, but I did not believe it was possible for such a man to strike a young boy. Yet I watched in utter shock, unable to scream as the burly man threw himself upon the boy, his fists like lightening. I tried to scream, I tried to tear myself away from the window but couldn't, I found myself paralysed to that spot watching as blood was drawn from that young boy.

It was the longest time of my life, minutes that felt like hours as that young boy was bruised and brandished, blood drawn, flesh broken, money stolen. But no tears were shed. Then the final blow came as the burly man stepped away clutching the pouch in one hand while the other fumbled at his side. Drawing forth a glinting weapon that lunged at the boys' face twice.

I heard the boy cry out then his face tossing from side to side, blood spattering the wall. I did not look at what had happened for finally I was given voice and screamed, a scream that hook the heaven's and the burly man heard it. Within seconds he had cleared out of sight, vanishing into the shadows and becoming one with the night. Leaving the boy injured and alone below my window.

It took sometime to regain myself, and when I finally did I looked down and saw that the young boy was gathering up the left overs of fallen coins from his pouch. Not giving a second thought to his gained injuries or the droplets of blood that dripped from his face. I was amazed by this ability to shun out reality and the pain and must have watched for sometime before he completed his gather and stood upright. Turning to look upward, his eyes focusing upon myself in the window.

That boy looked at me with the deepest set of eyes I could remember, boring into me as I stood there entranced. I know much time must have passed before he spoke, calling out a thank you. Thus, I eventually found myself inviting the boy into my home so I could take care of his injures. Reluctant at first he finally agreed.

I took care of the boys' injuries as best as I could, cleaning up the blood that was coating his soft face. Streaming from numerous abrasions that the older mans fists had caused, yet not once did he flinch as I placed a cloth against his tender flesh. During this time he did not speak much at all, he only explained that the man was his employer and liked to take 70% of his earnings. He also stated that one day he would go off on his own, earn as much money as he wanted and be free. That was all he would offer, nothing more, and no amount of prying could draw out any more information.

When I had cleaned up that young boy he was quick to be on his way, offering his thanks and gratitude. Promising to repay my kindness one day, that he would try in some way or another to pay back my compassion and caring for a street urchin. Somehow some day, he would show how grateful he was, for I was the only person who showed any emotions toward him in all his life and for that, he was eternally indebted.

It is strange how a humans heart works, but it was not until late that afternoon when the boy was truly gone that I realised I was feeling strange. My heart was pounding faster every time I heard a noise outside the window, mu face would flush and I would feel flighty. I knew these signs very well, for my adopted mother had told me of them once before…the signs of love. I was in love with that thief…that street urchin.

It seemed wholly foreign to me as I realised that feeling, that emotion, for one, I did not know why I felt this way for a person whose name I did not know. But more importantly, he was a thief, a boy who I would most likely never see again in my life, and if I did. We most probably would never remember each other. It was a tragic thought so I pushed it to the back of my mind, yet was unable to subside the feelings of my heart.

So that is how it was for me, each day that went by I would try to forget about that street urchin, but no matter what I did, I would always find my mind drifting back to him. Wondering where he was, what he was doing and if he ever thought about me…if he felt anything at all for me. But I was never to know, for each day that went by, I never saw him, I never heard him. Nothing, he was gone from my life, but not from my heart.

The only way that I could purge that boy from my heart was when I joined Garden and began using my GF's, slowly but surly the memories vanished, and all I had left was the feeling in my heart that I transferred to my student, Squall Leonhart. But even then, I knew it wasn't real, but it never bothered me, I simply accepted that beating of my heart as part of who I was. I never realised it was an eternal flame burning for a boy I would never see or hear from again.

That is all my memories would allow to return that night, my starvation of junction GFs only granted me that much, but it was all the memories I needed to go on. My once love had a face, a boys face, a childish thief…bruised, cut and bleeding, but now I knew who it was…and what it was. The pain I had put my self through had paid off. Or had it? For now…I was perhaps more confused then ever before.

I know knew whom it was I had loved as a child, who it was my heart always beat for…but what was I going to do about it now? Could I just push it aside and go on living…or would I…would I need to find him, just to make sure…to know if there was to be anything…I closed my eyes once again as the tears seeped their way out and ran down my cheeks. Dancing around the edges of my lips, burrowing their way inward until their salty presence was felt upon my tongue.

My body was still weak but the pains of earlier had subsided to a dull thudding, I still couldn't stand or move, but at least I was in no agony. So I sat there, my eyes closed the cool breeze of night wrapping around my body while I wallowed in my memories. After all, that was what I wanted right? My memories, that is why I had starved myself…that is why I had hidden away Shiva and Siren…that is why I weakened myself in battles by fighting unjunctioned. This is what I wanted…right?

I must have sat there for hours, dawn was approaching at a fast rate but there was nothing I could do, I had no strength…I couldn't even crawl. So I remained there suffering, sad and alone…just waiting for something to return…anything. Yet nothing came…my muscles remained weak, I couldn't move, all I could do was sit there, waiting.

I waited for hours I'm sure of it, wishing to drift off to sleep so the time would pass quickly, but I was not granted that one wish. Instead I was faced with the darkness of closed lids and the throbbing of subsiding pain. At one point I truly believed I would not see the sun light again, that I would die before I was given the chance to open my eyes. That no one would ever come for me.

Darkness turned to light though as I allowed my eyelids to open, they were as heavy as lead but the thought of never seeing again brought about a strength I did not know I possessed. Sunlight has never looked as beautiful as it did that day, coating all around me in a thin layer of gold. The sky blue and shimmering, trees from the outskirts of the training centre shining, their green leaves gleaming with droplets of dew that had captured the essence of mornings first beams. Utterly beautiful and beyond true words to describe, the relief, the tranquillity and then, there was the sight that was greater then anything the sunlight had to offer.

For as I managed to slowly turn my head, I saw the one thing that caused the sun the greatest competition, its beams only succeeding in increasing the appeal of its competitor rather then its self. For there, only a few metres from where I sat still a crumpled heap was a figure. Someone had found me; they had come in the early hours of the morning to the secret spot and would be my saviour.

I still lacked the strength to speak out but managed to lift my head and focus my gaze on the sun-streaked figure, the man dressed in the blue uniform of Garden slowly striding forward. I could barely make him out, but there was something in his walk that eased all my distress in a flighty moment. That dark sweeping hair falling about his faces, his form kneeling down before mine, his hands shaky as the reached out to touch and then, there was his eyes.

The eyes that were greener and more beautiful then anything I had ever seen or known, more mesmerising then the first rays of sunlight across a deep blue ocean, dancing like diamonds in the horizon. Nothing could compare to these green eyes; they were beyond anything the earth could create. At that moment, I felt that I was caught in heaven's grip as they looked upon my figure, his touch just as soothing as his voice.

"Quistis…are you all right?" He didn't allow his eyes to move from mine though; knowing full well that they were acting more affectively then any medication man could supply.

I tried to speak but found that my voice was still gone, my strength was completely evaporated and the only thing that could bring it back was unfortunately the GF. But it would take time and he knew this as he drew one from his own belt and gently equipped it to me. Not once did he allow his eyes to drift from mine in this movement and once I was junctioned, he frowned.

"I hope you found what you were looking for…" That was all he dared to say as he shifted his position, one arm slipping across my back and fixing a hold under my arm. The other slowly sliding under my legs until his arm was pressing the back of my knees as he stood. Lifting my weakened form as he stood, my head rolling forward and resting against his shoulder as he continued to shift until I was held safely in his arms.

Then, as the sun continued to rise in the distance, casting out more competitive beams Lucan gently carried me away from the secret spot, away from my pains to a place where I could rest. I do not remember any more of that journey, except the sounds of his breath, his heart…his feet, that is all I remember as he carried me away. Lucan, that was all I could think of, all I could feel. Nothing more as I slipped into blackness on the slow road to recovery.

From what I was told I had remained unconscious for over a week, my body was not used to the lack of energy I had undergone. In fact even the Doctor found it amazing that I had successfully survived without being junctioned. She knew full well that no one could come down from using GF's without the aid of a special syrup that brought the bodies strength levels back down to normal. Without the craving for the added boost and protection a GF supplied. 

I was, in her words, lucky to be alive. My body was in shambles as it tried to come to terms with the loss of the GF, it was as if I had undergone a blood transfusion, but not received the right blood type. Weak and fragile I had put myself through a normal cycle of life, with only a quarter of the strength I needed to survive. But now, I was back with Shiva and Siren and I felt truly good. Physically that was, for not once during my recovery had I been able to speak with Lucan, the man who had saved me from death and my emotional state was tragic. 

All I knew was that he had found me in my darkest hour and since, I had not seen him once. I needed to see him though; I desired it more then anything in existence. Yet, as my friends came to visit me, I found with every passing day that Lucan was not going to come. Perhaps he still felt I did not want to see him, or was afraid that I would be angered with him. But the only reason I would be angry with him was because he was not by my side.

My recovery was still running slowly, I would find myself on occasion to weak to get out of bed, unable to awaken from sleep. But the Doctor explained that this was normal behaviour, my body was adjusting once again and would frequently absorb too much energy from Shiva. It would take a few weeks, but eventually I would be back to normal and returning to my position as instructor. My foolish bout had thankfully not phased Headmaster Cid and he had allowed me to keep my instructor licence. 

I'm not sure how long it must have been that I stayed in my room recovering, days to weeks I suppose. But during that time I thought a lot, particularly concerning my memories…and the street urchin. It would continuously pop up during the day, he particularly had a tendency to show his face in my mind when I was mentally cursing Lucan for not visiting me. I do not know why I was doing that, perhaps I was subconsciously trying to lead myself away from Lucan to give my heart a chance to face the past, but I found myself not wanting to do that. All I really wanted was to see Lucan, and this troubled me greatly because I was not sure if this one wish would ever be granted.

This desire shocked even me, I should have being focused upon my road to recovery, or perhaps centring my attention on the trauma I had recently put my dearest friends through due to my stupidity. But no, in my deepest hours, when worried faces came to visit, all I could selfishly think about was Lucan, and why he was not there.

Maybe during my decline he had moved on, but I had being to self indulged to notice, just believing he was waiting for me. It is possible, why should he wait when I was so cold to him? Maybe he was afraid to see me…afraid that I would hate him for junctioning me with Odin and bringing me back?

There were so many possibilities that ran through my mind with every passing second, but none was I willing to accept. I had to hear it for my self, whatever his reasoning was. But I did not know if he would ever come…or if he ever would dare to see me again.

Another beautiful day, the sun shining in through the window, the curtains flapping, I am certain that as time goes by, I am going to believe that every perfect day is meant for me. For this particular day I lay upon my bed, the blankets made as I lay upon them in my Garden Uniform. I was not sure if I would venture out, but it felt good to know I was well enough to put on my uniform and perceive the possibility of stepping outside once again.

Sleep was beginning to indulge me with contentment as I closed my eyes, the breeze tinkling my skin and my blonde hair gently wisping across my face. Yet as I remained in this trance I felt something else touch my face, brushing aside the hairs that were blowing with soft warm flesh. Fingers so romantic and tender in their touch that they did not make me flinch or feel even the remotest fragment of concern.

I must of let his fingers trace upon my cheeks for ages, or perhaps only minutes…I could never tell you for I relished in his touch, his closeness…the simple scent of him nearby. But one can not remain in such a trance for so long and I yearned to see his face, to swim in those eyes. So I allowed my eyes to slowly drift open, to focus my open blue eyes upon his face, that soft handsome, smiling facade. The face…with the scar of an X upon the cheek.

I know now what it must of being like for Squall to look upon Rinoa's face when he awoke after the final battle against Ultimeca. To actually open your eyes and to see a face that truly and honestly cares for you looking back upon your own, it is a feeling that can never be imitated or faked. I did not know what to say as I looked upon Lucan's expression at that moment, for all he was doing was smiling, leaning over, his hands upon his knees as he looked at me.

A thousand emotions must of crossed my face in less than a minute, each one expressing the thoughts I wished to verbalise for him, but none would allow themselves to be vocalised, they just wanted to swim in his eyes and presence. This was something I was more then happy to do, which is odd and out of character for me I suppose. 

I know that quite sometime must of passed between us, but to be honest, I do not believe either of us noticed, for if we had, we would have tired of our speechless looking, faltered in our positions, anything. Yet none of this occurred until Lucan dared to speak, plainly reluctant to do so as he knew that whatever he said should be special…but piecing together the perfect sentence would be a task to difficult for him and he knew this. Although, that was not going to stop him at all as he spoke finally, his voice the sound of music I had wanted to hear for so long.

"I'm sorry…I should have come earlier…but… I wasn't sure if you'd want to see me…I was worried you'd turn me away again…" his smile faltered on his lips twisting momentarily into a frown which faded just as quickly as it had appeared.

"I won't…" I managed my reply and felt it was feeble and foolish, I should have said more but there was just too much I wanted to say. Knowing full well that if I attempted to speak it all it would be nothing more then a babble of nonsense.

"Are you feeling better now?"  
I touched my forehead and smiled "I think so…"

"The Doctor said you were lucky that I chose Odin as the GF to use on you…he's more powerful then some of the others. I'm glad I did…" He seemed to state this rather matter of factly, not that he was proud of his decision, but relived by it, that he had purposely given me his best GF.

"Thank you…but…" I felt my forehead furrowing and swept aside some lose strands of hair from wisping across my forehead "How did you find me?"  
Lucan shrugged and rubbed his neck, massaging the stiff muscles from leaning over so long "I just did…I woke up early…and knew something was not right…a sixth sense I guess. I just followed it until I ended up there and found you…I'm glad I listened to it, whatever it was."

"So am I…"

Lucan finally shifted his position and stretched his muscles before settling on the edge of my bed as I sat up against my pillows; him situated directly beside me. "So…" he began "Did you find what you were looking for?"

I nodded feebly, not really sure of my self, after all, I had found the memory, but was still slightly confused but it all. My mind was not wholly clear like I had hoped it would become. "I found the memory…"  
"Was it worth it?"

I cringed at those words and refused to meet his penetrating gaze, I didn't know…was the pain I put myself through worth it…how could I answer that? "I…I don't know yet…"  
"Yet?" A sigh escaped his lips and he ran a hand through his dark hair "You aren't going to put me through any more things like this are you Quistis? Can't you just be happy with what you've got?"  
"What I've got?" I questioned him and saw his face flush red briefly before he made it disappear and I realised what he was saying. As this realisation him the red from his cheeks passed onto my own and I felt my skin burning with embarrassment, after all, I was not used to such situations.

"I don't know what it is you want Quistis…but I hope I can be there when you find it…that maybe I can even be the one to give it to you." He sighed with embarrassment once again and ran a shaky hand over his cheek, the one marked with the X. the scar that caught my attention.

I do not know why I never noticed this before, or even thought about it, but I reached out and ran my fingers over his skin, the bubbled flesh that formed the X…a scar that I believed I knew the cause of and I smiled in that split second. My heart beating faster then it ever had before, touching his face in that manner, something that I had wanted to do for so long.

My hand feel from his face eventually and landed upon his, lifting it until our fingers were interlocked and I squeezed his hand tightly in mine. I never knew how hard words could be to express some times, for it came so easy to Irvine and Selphie…so why was I finding it almost impossible to do?

"Quistis…I don't know why, but from the moment we met… I knew there was something special about you…I guess I just knew I wanted to be with you. I'm sorry I couldn't find the words to say so sooner…maybe this could have been avoided." I have never seen Lucan as embarrassed as he did in that moment, but it was worth it to hear those words being spoke by him and there was only one way I could respond.

It felt odd taking such brazen move, after all, I was the instructor. Instructor Trepe who all looked up to and believed to be the most disciplined person around. But this did not matter to me right then.

I had found what I wanted and so I wrapped my arms around Lucan and kissed him, holding him as tight as I could, not wishing to ever let go. Thankfully I was saved from any embarrassment from my move as he returned the tight embrace and I melted in his kiss and touch. A moment of absolute warmth and love, so tender and affectionate that I never wanted to wake from it, yet all things come to an end, and eventually I was forced back to reality. But the dream would not end there, for I had successfully found love. I had found the man who would do anything for me, who would not put thought before my safety…I had found a man who would always and forever think of me.

Sometimes though, I wish I never did remember Lucan, for things might be easier for us in the long run. I know that as we grow older, and we are removed from our GF's his own memories will start to return. It might be hard for him to come to terms with the fact that he was a street urchin who used to get beat up by his employer. It might distress him greatly if he ever finds out that I knew…that I was aware as to how he received that scar upon his face.

It is easier for us this way, to most it is a romantic fantasy. Him the student who won the heart of his instructor, most people accept that, plenty, including the 'Trepes' have made our story into their own little tale. How Lucan broke through the Trepe's heart, succeeding where all other students and groupies had before. It is a foolish thought, but I am happy to live with it. It makes our love seem special, people look upon us with smiles, believing we are meant to be because of what we went through to get there.

I accept this idea for I know I can not openly tell him the truth, for how can I just turn around and reveal all the things he was glad to have forgotten? Why should I explain that sixth sense that lead him to me was in fact his eternal gratefulness for the care I gave him that one-day? I know that if we had never met as children, I still would have fell in love with him. I know this because I see it in those eyes.

That is why, I remain junctioned nearly all the time, Shiva and Siren a part of me, ever so slowly erasing that memory I longed for so long to be mine. Sweeping it away like dirt under a rug. I know it will return one day, but when it does…it will return with Lucan, and we can both relish in the fact that we did know each other as children. That Lucan will know I loved him then as I do now.

I will not be keeping secrets from him if I do not remember, and I won't have to deliver the pain of his past to him. I do not want to be the deliverer, I want to be the comforter, the one who holds him and shares his pain. I know that is what I will be, for with every passing day I slowly forget about that street urchin…all my love is directed to my student, to that young man with the green eyes I want to swim in, to lose my self in. 

It is ironic though that all along it was Lucan I was in love with, in all past, present and future. I can tell when I look into his eyes that he feels the same way, he doesn't have a past, so therefore all that matters to him is the present and the future. One day, when we were alone at the secret spot, he told me words that I will forever hold dear to my heart. He told straight out, that all he had to live for, were the present and the future…and to him…I was his present and his future.

Words I had never experienced directed at myself, a man who was devoted to my existence, a time when my heart was all that mattered to another being. Where my very presence made a person happy…I never knew this to be possible, but it was. I had what I always thirsted for, a love that mirrored those I admired, I had someone…who was brave enough to say to I as I was to them, those three words that mean more then life itself…I love you.

Note: This is a fanfiction staring Quistis Trepe from Final Fantasy VIII. The only character of my own creation is Lucan, as is the basic plot. The places used in this are the creation of Squaresoft, the people other then Lucan belongs to Squaresoft.


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