1. Chapter 1

**I wasn't planning on beginning a new story while still working on 'Into my past' but the last episode and the finale got me thinking and this is the result.**

**Please tell me what you think!**

**Usual disclaimers still in force.**

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The silence inside the room is broken but a gigantic thunderclap and it nearly scares her shitless. She's been holed up inside this room and the dark curtains had kept the outside out and she had no idea that the promised thunderstorms had finally come. In the next minutes it is like all hell is breaking loose outside, but inside everything remains calm and quiet. A quick glance next to her confirm everything is still like it was before the thunderstorm. He had finally fallen asleep and is seemingly still sleeping peacefully.

The entire evening it had felt like the thunderstorm had been brewing on the inside, a silent but brooding Deeks being the centre point. He doesn't do silent and he certainly doesn't do brooding, but tonight both had found their way to her partner and she hadn't like it. Especially because she didn't posses the means to break him out of it. Had it been her, he would have known instantly what to do. But she had tried her best and be there for him and it seemed like it had worked. As the night had progressed he had calmed down and also opened up a bit more. Even to a point that the normal Deeks had peeked through from time to time. He still wasn't alright, but she hoped a good night sleep would help him recover and see the world into a better light.

Monica Davies had been the reason why her partner had spend his night questioning himself. She figures she'll never become Monica's best friend and after today she totally doesn't feel the need to. The way Monica had managed to cut through to the bone had killed her but there was nothing she could do about it. She could only witness it and prayed he would keep it together. He did, on that level he was far more stronger than she will ever be. But then again she's never been put in this situation, she' s never been put to the spot and questioned about her motives. Only one time there had been one who had questioned her moments somewhat, but then Hetty had come to her aid and her consoled her. She figures that tonight even Hetty's words wouldn't have been able to help him, to see clearly again.

He had been so worked up, so caught up in his actions and their consequence , that she had been afraid for the future. She still was, what if he decides he can't do it anymore, the lies and the secrecy that surrounds this work, their life? What if he truly wants that normal life, being able to do normal stuff without having to worry that someone will find out who he truly is? She can't think about that, she can't think about the fact he would one day disappear from her life and leave her alone. She knows that their job is dangerous, that they risk their life every day. And yet he had been willing to make a promise both know he probably can't keep. Yet she also knows he'll do his utmost best to keep it. To think he can succumb to the stress and the questions, she couldn't bare it. But she did, tonight it wasn't about her and about what she could stomach, but it was about him and about his feelings.

She didn't like the fact that he kept going on about something Monica had planted in his mind.  
'_It's nice to have a friend like Max.' _  
Yeah they blamed their aliases, because it were those persons that actually did the things, told the lies and made people believe things. Deeks became Max when needed, but in the end it was Max who did seduce Monica, who told her the lies and made her believe in things that didn't exist. She had tried to convince him off it and maybe she had succeeded in her task. But then again she didn't have a clue what it was like. Monica only knew Max, she never met Deeks and when she did it was already too late. She had made her mind up and there had nothing to be done about. He had been in this position before, the whole lie he had spun on Nicole. It had been more complex then the Monica case but also in that story real and fake had blurred and he been left to pick up the pieces.

But there were also other motives in play, motives entire of her own, one she couldn't speak about to others. Perhaps she could to him, but she hadn't. Maybe because if she did, they would open another can of worms and one she wasn't sure she could deal with.

'_You got the real deal'_  
Monica had said to her and then she had added if she could ever fully trust him. She did, she trusted her partner far more then she trusted herself or anyone else for that matter. He was there for her, every time she needed a helping hand, a encouraging nod he was there. Their partnership had been built on trust and knowledge. Yet he didn't tell her everything, just like she didn't tell him everything and perhaps that had been what Monica had picked up on. There were things she never told him, never could tell him because it scared her. But that was also the problem that stood between them and perhaps the reason why Monica and Kensi would never be best friends.

Monica knew what it was like to be charmed, to be seduced by Deeks. Only she had known him as Max. Monica probably had been able to fall asleep next to him and wake up to him in the morning. Monica knew what it felt like to be able to kiss him when she wanted, touch him when she wanted and probably where she wanted. She had no idea how far they took it, what he needed to do to get her on his side, but she didn't want to know. She liked to think he would keep some boundaries and held some respect to her.

She wasn't sure she deserved that respect. There was nothing he had to respect. They worked together and were close friends, but nothing more. She told him that over and over again. Yet she couldn't keep the green eyed monster under control and couldn't help but wonder how it would feel if she had been in Monica's place and she had been at the receiving end of his charm. She knew he would give it to her in a heartbeat if she asked for it. She knew how he felt about her and to be honest it scared her. Recently other idea's had crept inside her mind, had somewhat taken hold of her thoughts and her feelings.

Lying down next to him in bed, she pulls him close. He automatically reacts and snuggles even closer. Maybe, just maybe she has to give in, let her heart take over from her mind and give in to her feelings. After all she deserved a good life, a happy life and in their occupation you never know what tomorrow could bring. And yes, even she, even Kensi Marie Blye deserved her shot at happiness.

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**It'll probably a three shot, this one being the night of the 'parley' episode.  
The second should be about the finale if I can find the courage to watch it. Last time around I waited untill the first episode of season four aired before watching the season 3 finale :) But then I had to wait on the dvd before being able to see the entire season and the wait between the two hadn't been that long and the review gave me enough to somehow know what had happened.**

**If I don't find the courage, it'll be about what I figured would have happened and need for the last chapter. That one is already written, so if you wanna know, you know what to do!**


	2. Chapter 2

__**So, I did find the courage to watch and it was less horrible then I had in mind (and you really don't want to go there). But perhaps that's the sugar rush talking because I had prepared an amount of comfort food that would put Kensi to shame :)**

**Anyway, thanks for the reviews, the following and the favourites.  
This is part two and I truly hope you'll like it !**

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_She's running and there is a moment of total craziness about. It's realizing she's been doing this for the last 15 years of her life. She has spend those years running and most of the time running from something. But now she's running towards something and even her feet doesn't seem to be able to catch up. She's not focusing on anything, on possible targets lurking inside corners or hidden rooms. She only has eyes for one thing or one person. She even runs past Sam without offering him a second glance. She does register Callen stopping by his partner, but she doesn't stop, doesn't acknowledge him because she can see the one she's after._

_He's slumped in the chair, his head hanging down. Sitting still, but she can see the soft movement of his chest as he breaths. And despite the situation, the despite the utter despair she felt and still feels if she sees his condition she can't help but smile. He's still with her, he's still alive and that's all she needs for the moment, to know he's there. The rest they'll deal with later._

_He seems to sense someone around him as she moves to untie him. For an instance she can see he expected, feared it to be someone else, but as realization sets in a little smiles comes through and she smiles back. Especially when he uses his favorite nickname for her. Fern, how much she hated that name and the fact he had come up with it. But now she doesn't care, he can call her that every moment of the day if it means he's alive._

She startles awake and it takes a few moments to realize where she is and what is happening. Another thunderstorm, another moment she's sitting next to a silent Deeks. But now it's a different silence. He's been out of it since the moment she got him out and into an ambulance. He's been under since they arrived here and the doctors took care of him. She tries to look past the injuries, not wanting to know what caused them, what he needed to endure. But she has seen the equipment and beside that seen enough of the world to know what happened.

She forces herself to be calm by telling her he's there, he's still breathing while others have found themselves on the wrong side of a gun. He didn't cave, despite what they did to them, what the rest of the world did to him and he didn't cave. It makes her incredibly proud of him. They figured he was the weakest one, while she knows better, the entire team knows better. Well except for Sam, but she's sure even the ex Seal has come to his side.

He stirs a little and she leans closer to the bed, to make sure he can see her if he should wake up. She doesn't care how long she needs to sit here, she's going to stick to her partner, planning to never leave him out of her sight.

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It's been two weeks since he's been admitted to hospital and nothing had been said between the two partners. Well that's actually a lie, a lot had been said but not about the subject he wants to talk about and she seems to ignore as much as possible. And while his heart screams to say something, to somehow brings the conversation to that point he doesn't. He knows her too well to press the matter, he wants her around, so he does what he's been doing for 3 years now. He shuts up about his emotions and let her have her way.

She's aware of his silence and she's also aware of the cause of this prolonged silence. She knows what he wants to talk about, wants to discuss and knowing him wants to repeat. But she can't. It sounds pathetic and it probably is, but she feels far more vulnerable if she were to acknowledge what happened, if she talked about it.

It's stupid and she wants to be able to change it, wants to be able to talk about her feelings, about her emotions without feeling trapped like a deer in the headlights. But everything she's been through, everything she had to survive is coming down on her and makes her unable to move. She knows the longer this continues, the more she's hurting him. Far more then what he had to go through days ago but she can't. She can be badass and though when needed to, but emotions and feelings scare the shit out of her.

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He's going home today. When the doctors informed them he would be able to go home in a few days she had been preparing like mad. He is gonna stay with her for awhile, until he got fully back on his feet and being able to really take care of himself. She knows it's going to be a battle, that it is a contradiction to what's she feeling and refusing to talk about, but she'll not leave her partner alone to deal with this. He's coming home with her, and that's the end of it.

'You'll be coming home with me' she says as she fiddles with the wheelchair and waits for him to finally get in the damn chair.

' Excuse me?' he asks.

'Deeks, you'll need some help to get around, so you're going to come home with me.' The tone she uses is like she's talking to a four year old and it does nothing to ease the anger that has been growing inside of him. He's respecting her wishes, at least tries to but it's getting harder and harder everyday and he's feeling like he'll explode one of these days.

'On one condition.' He says, hoping she doesn't catch his tone just yet.

'Yeah?'

'We don't pretend nothing happened.'

It gets the suspected reaction as her head snaps upwards and she stares at her. He knows he's putting her on the spot and hates himself for it. But he can't take it anymore, the looks, the tone she uses with him. It drives him crazy and he has this sudden need to know.  
He needs to know what he means to her, what her plans for the future are and if he can play a role in them.

He knows he cannot make her love him, can't force her into sharing his feelings. But at least he'll know, he'll know if it's worth to keep investing in this relationship. He knows that a negative answer will shatter his world, but he has to risk it just so he knows where he stands. He also knows that a negative answer will see him writing some letters and then disappear. It will be hard, probably the hardest thing he'll ever have to do, but he'll survive it. He's done it before, left everything behind and started a new life. He knows what to do and how to do. Doing so will reinforce her believe that everyone leaves her in the end and while he wants nothing more than to cure her of that, he also needs to think about himself, about what he wants and needs.

Her first though is anger, how dare he put her on the spot like this. She's suddenly extremely aware of her surroundings and counts her blessing they are alone.

Her first idea of a reaction is to say no, it's to shut him out hard and let him deal with it alone. Yet she dismisses that pretty much straight away. She won't see him anymore if she does that, he'll leave her to not return and it'll be on her. He'll leave her and it will be because he's left no other choice and she's not sure she'll be able to forgive herself.

And somehow she knows he won't leave if she does say yes. He won't leave her because that not his character. Unless she makes him, he'll stay. Hell the guy has been tortured and he still returned to her in one piece, keeping his promise to her. It had been close but he was alive when she got to him and he's on his way back to normal now, back to being her annoying partner.

She's not sure about a lot, but she is about her feelings towards him. In the past days, the more she wants to black it out, refuses to talk about, the more it lodges inside her brain. She's in love with her partner. Truly, madly, deeply, the whole 'let's write a cheesy ballad' kind of a in love. And perhaps he needs to knows, perhaps she needs him to lead her on this way and see where they'll end up. Somehow she's sure it's to happiness and happily ever after. And she wants that, needs that, craves that. And so perhaps she needs to take that step and bite the bullet.

So she looks up, right into his eyes and opens her mouth

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**For the record, I hate cliffhangers and 'to be continued ...'**

**Don't mind leaving you hanging though :)**

**Anway, won't make you wait almost 4 months. Like I said, final chapter coming up and already written. So you'll know what to do :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Was planning on updating yesterday, but I had a heart to heart with Hetty written in. But re reading yesterday made me feel like it didn't work and there for had to rewrite the entire chapter. **

**So you had to wait a little longer, sorry about that.  
Anyway, conclusion of the story. Hope you like it.**

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Sometime she wishes that she smoked. It would be handy from time to time, just pass the time or make others believe nothing was wrong. Now would be a perfect time to be smoking, it would keep her hands busy and people wouldn't question her situation. But she didn't smoke, so she was just sitting outside, sitting on the concrete steps leading to the door. Dressed in nothing but her sleepwear and an oversized sweat shirt. The sweat shirt was there to ward of the cooler night air, but it crept up on her anyway as she wore nothing on her feet.**  
**

Not that she is paying any attention to the cold. It's another panic attack, she has learned to identify them by now and she has also learned that just letting it pass by was the easiest way out of it. Just let her mind whirl around, usually reality kicked in soon enough.  
She's sitting all by herself, but she's used to it by now, so why change now?

Only she wants that to change, it's just that these bloody panic attacks get in the way every time she gets her chance to change. She knows she's as screwed up as can be, left alone by everyone she cared about. And she had always figured she would be alone, become a sort of second Hetty, well perhaps third seeing as how Nell had become more and more like their boss. But now her ideas of the future have changed, her ideals had been shattered and replaced by others. She wants the happily ever after and it's all down to one person who rocked her world.

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Finally reality kicks in again and she realizes she's cold. With a sight she gets back up and back inside. Her feet drag her over to the bedroom. She knows sleep often evades her after an attack, but at least she could lie down and get warm again.  
In the darkness of the bedroom she drops the sweat shirt on the floor and climbs in bed again, choosing to lie on her side and face the wall.

The sheets ripple a little when she feels movement behind her and soon she finds herself surrounded by strong and warm arms that pull her close.

'Cold' it's a soft whisper and she feels it more than hear the words. She's instant feeling guilty knowing the cold is coming from her body.

'Sorry' she whispers back, it's seems strange and yet good to say it.

'Is okay' comes back.

He's silent for a moment and she figures he has fallen asleep again, but then feels herself being turned.

'You okay?' he asks as he looks at her. Even in the darkness she can see his blue eyes staring at her, trying to read her face.

'Am now' she replies truthfully and snuggles a little closer to him, closer to the warmth he provides.  
He moves a little, pulling her even closer. He knows what going on, but won't say anything about it. As long as she returns to him, everything will be okay and she's more than glad for this arrangement. He's back asleep before she realizes what he has done. By moving, her feet, by far her coldest body parts had ended up between his, slowly defrosting.

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He's gone when she wakes up and while she tells herself that there are many reasons for his absence, a cold grips her heart. In the three weeks they have been like this, he's never been not present as she woke up. Her mind goes to places she doesn't want to go to. She knows he's not good either, he's just better at hiding it.

She knows he's seeing a psychologist, bullied into it by Hetty. So she knows he's been taken care off, the emotional side of things anway. But there is also the tiny idea in her mind that he's hiding something from her. Only yesterday he had been talking to Hetty for a while, bodies positioned so she couldn't read his lips.

So it is with a heavy heart that she walks out of the bedroom, only to find a smile growing on her face. He hasn't left, well he's not here at the moment, but he hasn't left her. On the bar that separates the kitchen from the rest of the room, her favorite donuts, from her favorite bakery. Accompanied by a red rose and a note.

He's not there as she enters the mission, but the rest of his stuff is. So whatever he needed to do took place inside the building. Knowing he'll come back to his desk eventually she gets to work.  
It takes a full hour for him to show up, but when he does, he stops in the middle of the bullpen. He's kind of looking worried and she's not really sure she wants to know what it is.

'I….' he starts, feeling everyone looking at him.

'I'll have to leave for a couple of weeks. Yeah well technically 9 weeks' he burst out, not wanting to get stuck in useless conversation.

The reactions are as suspected , from Kensi looking like he shattered her entire world, to Callen silently fuming and Sam cursing LAPD for taking him away again. He can't help but smile. Despite what that monster did to them, he failed in one thing: it didn't break them up, it even brought them closer. And this time, he's part of it.

'I haven't told you guys where I'll be going.'

He says, dropping the bullpen into silence as they all look at him, seemingly realizing he's right. They have no idea.  
So he tells them, he's heading towards Washington DC, to be very precise Quantico. They all look at him and it's Kensi who asks the question why. So he tells them honestly.

'Because there seems to be a 9 week mandatory training before you can become a NCIS agent'

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They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Well she's the living proof of that saying.  
The past nine weeks have been hard on her and her cell phone bill. Every free moment she has spend texting and calling him. Pretty much acting like a head over heels in love teenage girl. She actually laughed when she realized that. And when it's finally time for him to come home, she drives to the airport 2 hours early.

They are lying in bed, slowly coming down from their high. She moves so she can rest her head on his chest, right above his heart. Outside a thunderstorm is raging, but she doesn't mind, doesn't care. She's with the man she loves and he loves her back and it feels like nothing can touch her. She knows there will be bumps in the road, mostly caused by her. But he's already proven to be there for her, to guide her through it.  
He even quit LAPD for her, just to show he's never going to leave her side. At least not willingly.

The steady beat of his heart lull her into sleep, a deep and good sleep. But not before she realizes that she is in fact the happiest woman alive.

_After all she deserved a good life, a happy life and in their occupation you never know what tomorrow could bring. And yes, even she, even Kensi Marie Blye deserved her shot at happiness._

So when the chance finally presented itself and she fought through the panic, she took it with both hands. And never looked back.

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**Don't know if LA sees the amount of thunderstorms that I used for the story. But kinda needed them as a line through this story and somewhat as a metaphor for Kensi's feelings.**

**Hope you all like it!**

**Now I can get back to the other one :)**


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