Free! - Iwatobi Swim Club 1. Chapter 1

_Prologue_

Rin Matsuoka was a kid with passion for swimming. He joined the Iwatobi Swim Club - his fathers old club - during elementary school, where he met Haruka Nanase, Makoto Tachibana and Nagisa Hazuki. Rin teamed up with the three of them, insisting that they'd swim in the relay together, earning them first place. After the victory, Rin went aboard to Australia to chase his dream of becoming an Olympic swimmer.

Secretly, he was sad to leave his friends behind to chase his dream, but Rin was certain that he was a step closer. He believed in himself, and after winning the relay with his former team, he wanted to continue succeeding, finding a new team and make new friends.

As he transferred to his new school in Australia, he soon realized it was a task harder than first estimated. The other swimmers in his new club was on a whole other level, and while being used to be one of the best swimmers in Iwatobi, he found himself struggling to keep up to the swimmers in his new club. We would have taken the challenge with a smile, if it wasn't for the loneliness that followed being 'the new guy'. Everybody knew each other, had their close friends and didn't necessarily need another one. Rin had trouble understanding the Australian slang, making the others laugh at him. As much as he didn't want it to get to him, he missed his friends back at Iwatobi, often thinking about the memories they shared. Trying to ignore his classmates and team-mates harassment, he focused his energy on training, reminding himself why he came here.

A year after he transferred, he went back to visit his old home, where his mother still lived. Realizing what he had left behind, he started to feel insecure whether he had made the right choice in moving to Australia. He didn't want to call his old friends from Iwatobi, worried that he might regret moving aboard.

None the less, he ran into Haruka a cold winter day. Not wanting his old friend to worry about him, he put on a smile and asked the raven-haired boy to race him. Haruka went along with it, never rejecting a opportunity to swim.

Rin had always been amazed by Harukas skills but never able to win a race against him. This was his chance, he wanted to prove that his year aboard had been worth it - all the harassment, all the loneliness, all the self-doubt. Things he had never been familiar with before. He had to know if his training had paid off.

Haruka had won the race, once again proven that he was faster than Rin. Feeling the anger and bitterness build up inside him, Rin ran off and as Haruka caught up, the redhead yelled at him, swearing never to swim again.

After that, Rin ran away, ignoring his old friends until he had to go back to Australia. Going back to being bullied and feeling alone, he kept on practising. His dream was all he had left now.

Building up walls to protect himself from the adversities, he kept going, aiming to be the very best he could. He isolated himself to avoid the harassment and disappointment, but on sleepless nights he felt the loneliness eating him up, not able to keep a straight face when he was all alone with his thoughts.

To lessen the loneliness, he acquired a cat to keep him company when he wasn't at school or at the swimming club. Naming him Sailor, Rin finally felt a connection to something in this foreign country.

* * *

Chapter One

Rin cuddled up in his bed with Sailor next to his chest. He had called in sick today, feeling the need to think things through. His room-mate, Nitori, had promised not to tell anyone that he wasn't really sick. Rin didn't really trust the younger boy, but he knew that he looked up to him and wouldn't risk him getting angry at him.

The cat purred as he caressed the soft fur, and the redhead felt calm and safe. Ever since he got the cat, it had calmed him down when he was upset and he couldn't imagine a life without his soft companion. Sailor looked up at him with his green eyes, as Rin stopped moving his hand, lost in his thoughts. A low meow rang through the silent room, and the cat moved a little closer, nuzzling his nose against Rins chest, asking him to pay attention.

Rin looked down at the cat, starting to stroke it again mechanically, and let his mind wander.

He had gotten back from Australia a couple of months ago, attending Samezuka Academy, still chasing his dream of becoming an Olympic swimmer. He ran into his old friends from Iwatobi a couple of day after returning, and they had acted like not a single day had went by since they last saw each other. Being reminded of his past, seeing how they still were friends and knowing what he had missed out on by going to Australia, he had put on a façade. The same façade he had put on ever since loosing the race to Haruka, acting arrogant and not caring about anything.

Makoto and Nagisa had seemed hurt by the tough treatment, but Haruka hadn't responded at all. He just stood there, looking at Rin with his shining blue eyes and an expressionless face. The redhead had been taken aback by the lack of reaction from his former friend, but had recovered his temper before anyone noticed. Except for Haruka.

Rin had tried to avoid his old friends, feeling a pinch of loneliness every time he saw them, especially after a guy named Rei Ryugazaki had joined their swimming club. He felt like he had been replaced, and it hurt to know that deep down, he missed them so much more than they apparently missed him. Even though he was back in the small town, living so close to the three of them again, he had been replaced. He was alone.

Nitori had tried to gain his trust, wanting them to be friends, but the redhead wasn't able to let anyone near him. He was afraid to loose everything again and wouldn't let himself get hurt again by letting someone near just to be stabbed in the back. He missed having friends, but the little voice in his head told him that they were better of without him.

Sailor started purring again, slowly whipping his tail from side to side. Rin felt the comforting warmth from his pet, allowing himself to let a single tear fall from his eye.

He was no good for anyone. Everyone would be better off without him. His mother wouldn't have a disappointment for a child. His sister wouldn't have to feel obliged to care about him and try to get him and his old friends to get along again. The people around him wouldn't have to deal with him and his pathetic annoying ways. But he was too selfish to disappear and he hated himself so much for it.

Sailor got op and moved to lay by the red locks on the boys head, trying to comfort him. He meowed worriedly, nuzzling his face to stop his train of thoughts. Rin wrapped his arm around the cat, moving it back down to his chest and holding it close to his body as he turned his face against the pillow and cried.

Why was he even here? Why was he still chasing that stupid dream that had given him nothing but problems. He jerked his head back, banging it against the wall, punishing himself for thinking like that. It was his fathers dream, it was _his _dream! His father had given up on the dream to become a fisherman, and had drowned, leaving Rins mother alone with him and his younger sister, Gou. He had very few memories of his father and could no longer recall his face. He looked for it in the mirror every single day, trying to tell which features he had gotten from his mother and which from his father. He wanted to remember his face, and somewhere deep down, he hoped that if he managed to follow his dream, _their dream,_ he would be able to remember his fathers face.

He had never imagined how long the path was and what he'd have to sacrifice to get there.

He threw his head back again, and his ears started ringing as his head hit the wall behind him again. Sailor had gotten up, looking at the redhead questionable as his owner kept banging his head against the wall. The cat jumped down from the bed, fleeing from the loud sounds as skull collided with concrete.

"No!" Rin cried, trying to catch the cat mid-air, "Please come back, don't leave me!"

The cat hid in the corner of the room under his desk, looking on him with huge green eyes.

Rin started sobbing, feeling like even his own cat would be better off without him.

He thought of Haruka, the one he missed most of all. The raven-haired boy had tried to seek him out a couple of times, making sure Rin knew he wanted to talk. What about, the redhead didn't know, but as curious as he was, just as much felt he the need to keep distance to everyone and especially Haruka. They had been so close, Haruka had been his best friend, and they'd had so much fun together; he didn't want Haruka to see him like this. He had gotten a lot stronger and a lot better, his practise still being the only thing that kept him going, but he felt like Haruka looked right through him. Maybe it was just his imagination, but those blue eyes seemed to penetrate everybody, reading Rin like an open book. Another reason to keep his distance.

Feeling like his head was about to explode, Rin finally got up from the bed. The physical pain, caused by banging his head against the wall, was nothing compared to the pain he felt in his chest and the overwhelming self-hating thoughts filling his mind. He walked back an forth in the room, pulling his hair, pleading for his head to stop torturing him. Finally, he gave up. He walked towards the bathroom, slamming the door before Sailor could follow him, leaving the cat on the other side of the door, where he started meowing over and over again, trying to make Rin come back out to him.

Rin threw his clothes on the floor, walking into the shower and turned on the water. Starting to cry again, he slowly sled down, back against the cold wall. Sitting down on the shower-floor, he buried his head in his arms, crying silently and letting the water wash away his tears.

Why did he have to feel like this? Why him? On the other hand, better him than anyone else he knew.

He reached out, grabbing his best friend and did what he had to do to feel just a little better.

Sailor was still sitting by the door, when Rin finally came back out from the bathroom, wearing a pair of grey sweatpants and lazily drying his red locks with a towel. The cat walked around his legs, nuzzling against him. Rin ignored the cat, feeling a little better and really tired. He was about to throw himself back on the bed, hoping to get some dreamless sleep, as he head a knock on the door. Looking at the watch hanging on the wall, Rin concluded that it was too early for Nitori to be back from his lessons. The redhead thought about it for a second, considering if he should pretend not to be there, but as he heard the knocking again, this time louder and more insistent, he decided to answer.

As he slowly opened the door, a frown danced over his face, hiding the shock and sinking feeling in his stomach. Inside, he dropped his jaw by the sight that met him, but his faced showed no kind emotions, as he glared coldly at the person on the other side of the door.

"What do you want?" he asked unfriendly.

"I came to talk. I will not take no as an answer," Haruka said calmly, pushing Rin back, walking into the room, and closing the door behind him.


	2. Chapter 2

"Get out of my fucking room, you-" Rin yelled, getting cut off by the raven-haired male.

"No, sit down and be quiet! I have something to say!" Haruka yelled back, taking a step closer to his old friend and sending him a hard look.

Rin sent him an evil glance, but tired as he was, he decided to let Haruka have his way and kick him the fuck out of the room as soon as he was done talking. The redhead picked up his pet, sitting down on his bed and stroking the cat, his attention turned against the small animal in his arms.

"Rin," Haruka said, waiting for the other boy to look at him. Rin still looked at Sailor, hoping that Haruka would just go away if he pretended that the raven-haired boy wasn't there.

Haruka started talking anyway, not affected by the lack for attention. "I don't know what happened to you in Australia, but you can't keep acting like this. Why are you being so hostile towards us? Even to Gou?"

Rin didn't answer, still looking at his cat.

"You can't keep on ignoring me, Rin!" Haruka raised his voice a bit, moving closer to the redhead, "You can't keep avoiding me, I wont let you go until you talk to me! Rin, we were..." he trailed off, suddenly unsure if this feeling had ever been mutual, "We were best friends... I miss you."

Rin could feel his body shaking and tried to hide it by nuzzling and stroking Sailor with both hands, placing the cat on his left thigh. He wasn't sure what to feel. On one hand, hearing those words from Haruka made him so incredibly happy; Haruka hadn't forgotten him and he had seen Rin as his best friend. On the other hand, Haruka could be lying. Again, why would be lie about something like that?

Rin wanted to look at Haruka, he wanted to talk to him, letting him know he felt the same way, that he missed him every single day, but something held him back. It was what made his entire body shake, the constant battle going on inside his head, arguing back and forth whether to reach out and ask for help or lock himself up like he had been doing for all those years. Should he just open up to Haruka again, or at least try to talk to him, maybe just listen to what he had to say? Or should he just stay like this, feeling alone but knowing that no one could hurt him? He didn't even dare to look up at Haruka, afraid his body would make the decision on its own.

Again, it felt like his head was about to explode, and even though Haruka hadn't said a word since that _'I miss you'_, Rins head kept making up new problems. He was still so tired and just wanted it all to stop. It hurt in his head, his chest, his entire body was in pain. He let his head fall, grabbing his red locks with both hands again, as Sailor jumped down from his lap, shocked by the sudden movement. Harukas eyes widened as Rin started pulling his hair again, not caring if Haruka saw or not, he just wanted to drown the emotional pain in something more tangible; physical pain.

Fuck it, he _wanted _Haruka to know what had happened, how fucking horrible everything had been, how lonely he had been and still was and how it was eating him up from the inside. He pulled harder, trying to kill his self-hatred. His self-hatred, the dark depressing mass that controlled him, following him everywhere, forming him into what he had become. He was struggling with his inner demons, still pulling his hair, letting tufts of hair fall to his lap as he kept pulling and pulling.

Haruka fell to his knees before the redhead, grabbing his wrists and holding them, making sure the other boy couldn't pull his hair out.

Rin finally looked him in the eyes, red watery eyes locking with worried blue, as Rin realized what he had let his old friend witness. The guild flushed over him, as he saw how worried Haruka was. Rin knew it was his fault. _It was his fault that Haruka worried about him again._ He didn't deserve it, he didn't deserve the comforting nuzzling of Harukas thumbs as they brushed against his wrists, that the raven-haired boy still held onto. He didn't deserve to even look at him.

Rin looked down, trying to hide the tear falling from his eyes to his sweatpants. He didn't say anything, ashamed that he let Haruka see him like this. Haruka deserved better. The redhead was just a waste of time. A waste of space.

"Rin," Haruka said lowly in a comforting tone. The redhead didn't react, still looking down on his thighs. Haruka moved closer, putting his head down to rest on Rins shoulder as he still held his wrists. "Please let me in," the raven-haired boy whispered, making Rin sob loudly as the soft tone made it to his nerve-system.

"I wish I could," he thought to himself, "I would give anything to let you in, but I'm a mess. I'll just ruin you, like I've ruined everything else. I'm not worth it. I wish I could just disappear and make everything easier for everyone, but I'm too scared to end it all. I can't even to that. I'm so goddamn worthless, you should not care about me."

Rin let the tears run, knowing it was way to late to stop them not. Why couldn't he just make up his mind and figure out what he wanted to do instead of having mixed feelings all the time? He wanted Haruka to stay and at the same time, he just wanted him to leave. He wanted Haruka to keep him there, pinned to the chair, because then he would be able to relax, letting it all go without being afraid of himself. And he just wanted the raven-haired boy to leave, so he could get back into the shower and let it all out - alone.

Haruka pulled him up by the wrists, catching the redhead in his arms as Rins legs just gave up. The blue-eyed held his old friend close, trying to sooth the pain he could see in his red eyes. Haruka had forgotten what he came to say, shocked by Rins reaction. He knew something had been wrong, but he wasn't prepared for this. It didn't scare him off, but he was surprised.

It made him want to talk to Rin even more, making sure he knew he wasn't alone.

"Let me in, Rin, I promise I wont hurt you," he whispered.

"No!" Rin sobbed, but clinging to Haruka as if holding on to dear life. "Just leave me alone, just leave me..."

"No!" Haruka yelled back, "I wont let you do this, you have to trust me!"

Trust. It was a funny word. It was so hard to gain, but so incredibly easy to break. And how could Rin ever be able to trust Haruka, when he couldn't even trust himself? How could he let anyone into a life as messy and fucked up as his was, when he didn't even wanted to be there himself? All this pain, it wouldn't ease if he shared it with someone - it would multiply, pulling him in deeper along with the poor soul he would have been stupid and selfish enough to let into his life.

He pulled away from Haruka, sending him an angry look. He had to do this, no matter how much he felt like just letting him stay and hold him.

"Get out!" the redhead yelled, as he pushed his old friend towards the door, almost making the raven-haired teenager fall over his feet.

"Rin!" he yelled back, obviously hurt by the sudden harsh treatment.

"Get! Out!" Rin yelled again, tears still lingering in his eyes. He pushed Haruka against the wall, opening the door, and threw him out, slamming the door and locking it firmly. He held his breath and listened through the door. When he didn't hear anything from the other side, he started crying again. His legs went limb under him, and he fell to his knees. Sailor ran towards him, but Rin shoved him away, crawling towards the bathroom again.

Closing and locking the bathroom door, the cat still on the other side, he sled of his sweatpants, getting back into the shower. He turned on the water.

He hated himself for what he had done to Haruka. God, how he hated himself.

The redhead sat down, reaching out and feeling the cold steel between his fingers, as he took the razor - his best friend - and studied it. It was getting a bit rusty, meaning he would have to get a new one soon. But he could use it.

As the need for slicing flesh intensified, he brought the slightly rusty, but still sharp, razor to his right thigh, slowly pressing it harder and harder against the skin until it broke, and he slowly dragged it across the tanned surface on his body. The blood welled from the long cut, colouring the water a reddish orange before it disappeared through the drain.

He repeated the action, this time letting the razor collide with the red marks already on his skin from earlier that day. Not even an hour had passed by since he had made them, and they were still swollen and sore. Making them bleed once again, he ran the sharp blade over all the cuts from his last shower. Finally, he let the razor fall to the bottom of the shower, touching his sore leg with a flat hand, dragging the blood around. It kept coming, and he knew he had to stay where he were until the bleeding stopped, but he didn't care. He had finally found release again, leaving his head empty and dizzy. Deep down he knew this wasn't the answer, but right now, everything was okay. If just for a moment, everything was okay. He sighed, and leaned back against the wall. He didn't have a single thought, the dark monster was asleep. He knew that as soon as the cuts would stop bleeding, he could go back to his room and sleep. He wanted to sleep for as long as he could, forgetting about everything. He sighed and smiled my the thought of it. He really looked forward to it. Just him and his cat.

* * *

A/N: So yeah... This is not really a happy fanfiction, and I'm not sure it'll ever be. I'm not even sure if I like it at all, but I wanted to try it out.

I don't know if Rins thoughts makes sense to anyone, but I think its hard to describe the inner demons of someone who self-harms and hates himself so much. If you really can't take stuff like this, please stop reading, cause it's not getting any better for a long time.

Rins thoughts and actions is written out of own experiences. I know this is not how everybody feels, but it's how I felt through many many years, and I can only write what I know.

Arg, I can't decide if this is kinda good but hurtful, or if this is just pure shit.


	3. Chapter 3

Sitting in his bathtub, Haruka looked at the waters movement around his body. He had went right back to his house after Rin kicked him out. He was sad. Normally he would talk to Makoto, but he knew he had seen a side of Rin, that the redhead normally wouldn't let anyone see. If he wanted Rin to open up to him, he would have to keep his mouth shut about what he had witnessed.

It hurt him to see his old friend like that. Rin used to be happy, energetic and social, and now he seemed so closed off and hurt. The raven-haired teenager knew that Rin tried to put up a façade to seem arrogant and collected, but Haruka knew it wasn't how Rin really felt and his belief had been confirmed as the redhead had started crying and clung to him.

This was so difficult. Haruka didn't really know what to do. He didn't know what had happened to Rin to turn him into such a sensitive mess and Rin wasn't willing to tell him. He really wanted to help his old friend, he had missed him so much and after Rin had returned from Australia - ever since Haruka saw him again for the first time in so many years - he hadn't stopped thinking about the redhead. The raven-haired boy decided to find Rin again tomorrow. He knew that he would have to move slow, especially after Rins breakdown earlier that day. He wouldn't force him to talk, just make sure Rin knew he wanted to be around and comfort him if he needed it. If he was patient, Rin might slowly open up to him.

* * *

Rin made sure to get up before Nitori woke up, giving him time to go to the bathroom and change before the younger boy saw him.

Rin had fallen asleep as soon as he came back in from the bathroom the day before, forgetting to put on his pyjamas and he didn't want Nitori to see all the scars and cuts, dancing over his thighs. Sailor had slept next to him through the evening and night, purring and moving his tail over Rins abdomen to comfort him and make sure he didn't hurt himself more that day.

The cat followed him to the bathroom and sat down in front of its owner while Rin pulled his pants and a t-shirt on.

"Don't look at me like that, Sailor," the redhead whispered to the pet, who kept his green eyes on the teenager, "I'll try not to do anything stupid today..."

The redhead faced the mirror, studying his face. Dark bags had started to form under his eyes, probably caused by his troubled sleep. He might have slept for long, but he knew he had tossed and turned a lot through the night since his pillow was on the floor and his blanket was twisted around his body when he woke up. Luckily, he couldn't remember what he had dreamt.

He pulled his pants a down a little, looking at his thighs. The right one was swollen from the abuse the day before, tried blood painted all over the otherwise soft surface. He touched it gently, not jerking back even though it hurt. The cuts were clean and some of them really deep.

The left thigh was covered with scars, making the skin uneven and deform. He sighed. He hated himself for doing it, he hated how ugly his body was now after so many years of self-harm. He worked hard to stay in shape, toned muscles danced under his skin as soon as he moved and he wanted to look good. But those scars ruined everything. He wanted to stop, but as soon as the dark monster in his head took over, making his confused and miserable, as soon as his head felt like it was about to explode, the blades almost moved by themselves. Sometimes he didn't even realize what he was doing until his own blood was painted all over the floor and walls in the shower. He always cleaned up afterwards to hide his addiction for Nitori, but it felt shameful to wash away the blood from the shower-walls while the blood still dripped from his sore legs.

A nervous knock came from the bathroom door, and Rin snapped back as Sailor started meowing at the noise.

"Senpai? Are you okay?" The grey-haired teenager asked through the door.

"I'm fine." Rin answered, pulling his pants back on and picked up his pet before opening the door and passed Nitori without sparing him a single look. He fed Sailor and left the room as the cat ate without looking after his owner.

* * *

After school, Rin made his way to the mall. He knew exactly what he went for, but told himself he just wanted to go window-shopping. He told himself that he needed to get out and get some fresh air and just be away from Nitori and the other guys on his new swim team. Nitori was the only one who really bothered talking to him, but again, he just wanted to be all alone. The grey-haired teen had promised to look after Sailor while Rin was away, even though Rin had told him the cat could take care of himself for a couple of hours.

The redhead knew Nitori had offered his help to show him some goodwill, but he didn't really care. He wished he could just get his own room and be alone every time he needed it.

As he arrived to the mall, he saw the supermarket next to the entrance, knowing that was where he could get what he came for. But he could wait a little. Just to prove to himself that it wasn't why he came here.

He pulled the hood up to cover his face, just in care he ran into someone he knew. Gou often came here to shop, and since the town was quite small, almost everyone came here to gang out. Stuffing his hands in his pockets, he walked around in the mall, not really noticing the shops he passed.

He felt alone again. Normally the company of his cat kept his loneliness to a manageable level, but out here, between all the cheery teenagers and young adults, he felt as alone as ever. People around his own age, hanging out with their friends and laughing and joking, made him realize how much he missed the old days before going to Australia. He didn't really remember what it was like to have close friends like that, but it was probably for the best. He couldn't let anyone near him. He couldn't share all his dark secrets with anyone.

He gulped, feeling a black hole spread in his stomach. He decided to go back to the supermarket and get what he came for, and then head back to his room and hide under his blanket with Sailor and just stay there for the rest of the day.

As he suddenly turned around, he bumped into someone who had walked just behind him, their bags hitting his right thigh. Rin bit his lip as the pain made his leg vent limb due to the pain, making him stumble against the window next to him.

"Oh my god, are you allright?" the woman who'd bumped into him yelled, moving closer to help him.

"I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm sorry," Rin answered, before he headed towards the supermarket, not wanting to attract any attention.

He went to the store, buying what he needed - a pack of shining new razors - and headed back out, finally leaving the crowded mall.

He sighed at the fresh air in his face, finally feeling able to breath. His leg was still sore, the skin heating up and he could feel the blood throbbing under the skin on his thigh. The redhead felt something wet against the cuts, and looked down as little reddish spots was forming on the outside of his grey sweatpants. _Fuck,_ he thought to himself, as he realized the collision with the womans bags had made come of the cuts burst open again. He had to get back home fast before it got worse.

He walked as fast as he could, hiding the right side of his pants behind his bag, containing the new razors. He felt like everyone he passed, looked at him. They knew about him, they knew about his secret and they looked down on him. They laughed at him as soon as he was out of earshot, they pitied him for being such a worthless person. He knew they did!

He looked down behind the bag as he closed in on the dorm, making sure his pants wasn't soaked yet. Luckily only a few spots of reddish brown had gotten all the way through, and it looked like it had stopped bleeding and the cut were healing up again. He sighed in relief, making his way back up to his room.

"Senpai! You're back early!" Nitori beamed at his room-mate, "I've taken care of Sailor, and we've played a lot, so he shouldn't be too-"

"Leave me alone," Rin cut him off, walking directly to the bathroom after grabbing a pair of fresh pants, and slammed the door. Nitori looked at the closed door with worry painted over his face. He looked down at Sailor on his lap, as the cat meowed loudly at his owners behaviour.

* * *

A/N: So, originally I had planned to make this a kinda long story, wanting to get all around Rins depression and his thoughts and feelings, but it's kinda weird for me to write this, so I will start to slowly build up Rin and Harukas friendship/relationship in the next chapter. I wanted to write a lot more from Harukas perspective, but I realized I only really know this subject from Rins perspective. It made me a little depressed, but I'm doing the best I can. Let me know if I spend to much time on describing Rins troubles.


	4. Chapter 4

Haruka had tossed and turned all night. After a couple of hours without being able to sleep, he had went to his bathroom to take a bath, hoping it would calm him down.

He had seen Rin yesterday. He had wanted to go and talk to him, but just as he had gathered enough courage to approach the redhead, said redhead had collided with a woman and run off shortly after. Haruka had tried to follow him, but had lost sight of him in the mall. He was worried about the other teenager, as it had looked like he had actually been injured after the collision. The pain had been painted all over his face and he had stumbled before running away.

The raven-haired teen leaned down and let half of his face sink into the water, keeping his nose and eyes above. He blew a few bubbles and felt the hopelessness wash over his body. He hadn't tried to contact Rin since the day in the redheads room. He really wanted to, but he was afraid that Rin would be even angrier at him if he was too pushy.

No, he really had to make sure Rin knew how much he meant to Haruka. Something was really off about Rin, it wasn't normal to pull your hair out of frustration just like that. It wasn't normal to cling onto another person like Rin had clung onto him, while asking the other person to leave him alone. Rin had been desperate, and the way he had hugged Haruka had felt like he hadn't had physical contact in a very long time. His arms had been needy, grabbing into the back of his clothes, pulling the raven-haired teenager as close as possible, like he wanted to get as much as possible out of the comforting action.

Haruka sighed. He would have gladly stayed there and held Rin for as long as the other teenager would have wanted it. He really missed Rin. He always had, ever since the redhead left for Australia. He never forgot about him and never wanted to. Now that he was back, the blue-eyed teen didn't want to loose him again. He really had to step up his game and be more insistent but without pushing Rin too far.

The redhead was delicate and sensitive, he could tell that. He needed care, comfort and attention. Haruka really wanted to give him all that and much more. So much more.

* * *

Rin skipped his training the following day. His leg was really sore and due to the cuts being ripped up in the mall, they had closed up against his sweatpants on his way back home. After being an ass to Nitori - which made him hate himself even more - he had spend half an hour in the bathroom, trying to remove the cloth from his thigh without ripping the cuts open again. Now they were inflamed, leaking a yellowish substance and he didn't feel like throwing himself into a pool as long as they were like that. Mikoshiba - the captain of the team - hadn't been happy about it, but hadn't said anything.

Rin was laying on his bed, Sailor on his chest. The cat was purring in his sleep, feeling sure that his owner wouldn't do anything to himself right now. He was right about that. Rin hadn't touched the razor in two days now, and even though he felt depressed, his mind was numb. It was relaxing not to have any specific thoughts right now. Actually, he didn't care about anything today. It was nice just to be alone with his pet.

Until he heard a knock on the door.

Sailor looked up at the redhead as to tell him to stay. A low meow left his mouth, as he saw Rin getting annoyed, being interrupted in this relaxing hour. The teenager held the cat in his arms while walking towards the door, comforting himself as much as the pet.

Haruka walked into the room as soon as the door opened, not giving Rin time to yell at him again. Rins numbness didn't allow him to get upset, and he just looked at the other boy with a careless expression on his face. He wasn't really tired, he just didn't give a shit about anything today, even if it was Haruka just walking into his room like that.

"Before you start yelling at me again-" The blue-eyed teenager said, but was cut off by a calm voice.

"I'm not gonna yell at you," the redhead answered, looking at his old friend with expressionless eyes.

"Good. I didn't come here to talk like last time. I just want to hang out. You don't have to say anything, just.. let me take you for a walk," the raven-haired teen said. His voice was soft but he made it clear that he wouldn't take no for an answer.

Rin looked down at Sailor in his arms. The cat looked back up at him. The teenager wasn't really sure what to do, but scanning his brain, he didn't find an answer.

"Okay," he said, letting his pet jump to the floor and grabbed his keys and hoodie.

Haruka looked at him in disbelief. He had thought it would be much harder to convince the redhead to go with him, but he tracked along as Rin opened the door and locked it behind them.

Rin looked down as they started walking towards the ocean. Haruka studied his face, trying to read the redheads mind. He looked sad but calm, his red eyes tired and his face relaxed. His bangs covered his eyes as he bend his neck even further and he looked like he just wanted to disappear from the face of the earth with his hands in his pockets.

They walked in silence. Haruka wanted to say something, but remembered he had promised they didn't have to talk. He didn't really know how to start anyway. There were so much he wanted to say, but he didn't want to upset the other teenager again.

"I'm sorry you had to see me like that," Rin said, barely audible, without taking his eyes from the ground.

Haruka looked at him, not really sure he got that right. Was he apologizing for breaking down the last time they saw each other? Why was he apologizing? The raven-haired teen didn't know how to react. He wanted to grab Rins hands, making him understand that he didn't need to say he was sorry and that he didn't need to hold back. How would he ever be able to tell the redhead that he wanted nothing more that to be there for him?

"You don't need to apologize," the blue-eyed boy said, his voice just as low as Rins.

Rin laughed a single soundless laugh through his nose, still looking down at the ground. They walked in silence again, and arrived at the beach, both sitting down on a bench. Rin finally looked up and watched the soft waves brush over the beach. His head was still empty. He didn't really feel anything, except the bitter-sweet feeling of hanging out with Haruka again. A sad smile found its way to his lips, as he still glared at the ocean.

Haruka watched the small closed-lip smile spread on the redheads lips and his sad eyes turn a bit glassy. The raven-haired teen had to fight the urge to wrap his arms around him, telling him that everything would be okay and comfort him in any way he could. As he realized how beautiful Rin was, even when looking this sad, he knew he probably had a little more that friendly feelings towards the other teen. He wondered how he was able to feel like that after all the time they'd spend apart, but it didn't really matter. It wasn't important how he felt, it was important how _Rin felt_.

He moved a little closer, making sure not to touch the redhead. Rin didn't really mind him moving closer, but kept his eyes on the soft waves.

"Are you feeling okay right now?" Haruka asked softly, directing his eyes towards the water as well.

"Mhm," Rin answered, feeling some sort of relief by the calming sound of the waves and the salty smell along with Harukas presence.

"Do you want to do this again some other time? I wont force you to talk to me, I promise." Haruka tried, hoping he wasn't pushing the other teenager too far with his request.

"Yeah..." Rin answered, looking down on his shoes in the sand. This was actually nice. It was nice not to be alone for a change, and he had always enjoyed Harukas company. If they could just stay like this, hanging out without talking, it would maybe be okay? If he didn't need to tell the raven-haired teen anything, if he promised not to ask to his weird behaviour or past or anything, this might actually be okay. He sighed, the sad smile dancing over his face again. This was really nice.

* * *

Haruka walked him back to the dorm, none of them saying a word. Rin was tired from finally being able to relax a little. His body had loosened up a bit and he was just sore all over now. He hadn't noticed how tense he had been and wondered how long his body had been like that.

Haruka was just happy that Rin and he didn't ended up fighting again. He was hopeful; if they kept up like this, talking walks together, sitting at the beach, Rin might want to talk to him at some point. This was a step in the right direction, and Haruka praised his patient nature, because he knew it would take a while.

They stopped by the gates to the dorm, and Rin finally looked at Haruka.

"Do you want me to come pick you up again tomorrow?" The raven-haired teen asked softly, locking eyes with the redhead.

Red eyes studied blue as Rin tried to figure out if he could trust Haruka to actually do it if he said yes. The redhead looked down again, scared that he would regret this in the future, but said: "Okay." and walked inside without looking back at the other teen.

Haruka smiled to himself, and walked back to his own house as soon as Rin was out of sight.

Rin unlocked the door to his room, and was met with Sailor, who meowed and sat down in front of his owners feet, ready to be picked up. The teenager hugged the cat tightly, seeking comfort as he felt anxious about telling Haruka he could come by again tomorrow. What if he didn't show up? Maybe Haruka just wanted to make a fool of him as well. Sailor seemed to read his train of thoughts and nuzzled his cheek to tell him it would be okay.


	5. Chapter 5

The next day, Rin was laying on his bed again with Sailor on his chest as always. He felt anxious as he waited for Haruka to come pick him up again. It was his third day without self-harm and even though his right thigh was still sore and inflamed, he felt the itching in his fingers. He wanted to lock himself in the bathroom again and feel the dizzy relief.

Through the many years of self-harming, he had realized that about a third of the time he did it, it was due to the addiction of seeing his own blood, more than feeling the relief of controlling the pain that constantly dwelled in his head. This was one of those days. He didn't really feel that bad today, he was just scared how he would react of Haruka didn't come as promised. But the need to feel the sharp pain in his body and watch the red substance drip from fresh scars, filled his mind.

He tried to distract himself by rubbing at thumb against the three day old cuts on his leg. Sailor looked at him with big green eyes, not approving of his self-abuse.

He sighed and rolled over to face the wall, the cat falling down next to him on the bed and cuddled up next to his chest. If he didn't look at the bathroom door, maybe he could pretend it wasn't there.

The redhead looked at his wrists, where a single scar on each wrist broke the otherwise perfect and soft skin. The scars was faded and almost impossible to see if you didn't knew they were there. But he knew.

In the summer they would stand out more clearly, white against the tanned skin on his arms. Luckily, they were hidden in the folds of the joint between his hand and arm. But they were there, always reminding him of a night in Australia where everything just got too much.

After being bullied and harassed by his team-mates, he had been scolded by his trainer for being late and on top of that, his training hadn't improved as much as he wanted it to. He had felt like his dream was as far away as ever. He had wanted to give up. He knew how deep he would have to cut to just let it all go and leave for good. But after slitting his wrists - Sailor constantly meowing at him - he had gotten cold feet. He had called the emergency-service and they had picked him up after he hid the razors. Of course they knew what had happened, but when asking, he just said: "It was the cat."

Looking down at his furry friend by his chest, Rin felt bad about blaming Sailor. The redhead pulled the pet closer and whispered apologises, as he buried his head in the soft fur.

He sat up by the sound of knocking on his door, looking at the watch on the wall. Could it be Haruka already?

Rin felt a single butterfly in his stomach, but killed it on his way to the door, reminding himself not to let anybody get to close to him.

Haruka offered him a gentle smile, as the redhead opened the door. Not really sure how to respond to the smile, Rin just looked down at his shoes, his mouth a thin line.

"Are you ready to go?" the raven-haired teen asked, still smiling at his old friend.

"I, eh.. I just need to feed the cat," Rin answered, remembering that Nitori wouldn't be back to feed his pet today. He turned around to let the blue-eyed teenager inside, while he went to the bathroom to clean Sailors bowl.

Haruka went to the cat, bending down and offering to let him sniff his hand. Sailor meowed friendly and nuzzled against Harukas stretched hand.

"What's his name?" Haruka asked as Rin returned with the clean bowl.

"Sailor," Rin answered, with a tiny smile. It always made him happy when people took interest in his precious pet. Well, when people he liked took interest in him, that was.

"He's friendly," Haruka stated, stoking the soft fur on Sailors back, earning him a soft purr.

"Yeah, he's a good boy," the redhead sad, looking at his companion. He filled the bowl and put it down next to the water-bowl. Sailor ran over and started eating, looking up at his owner with a kind cat-smile.

Rin grabbed his hoodie and walked towards the door, making sure his keys was in the pocket. Haruka tracked along, holding the door for the redhead and closed it behind them, and Rin locked it. They walked in silence again today, but Haruka noticed that Rin seemed to be in a better mood today. He didn't look down, and even though he still seemed closed off, hands in pockets and head slightly bend, he looked straight ahead. Haruka smiled, happy that the other teens mood was lightening up.

Rin _was_ in a better mood now. He had long forgot about the urge to harm himself, and just enjoyed the fresh air and the company. He was glad that Haruka had promised they didn't have to talk, because it was nice just as it was right now. It made him happy that Haruka had been interested in Sailor, and somewhere deep inside, it made him happy that his pet liked the raven-haired teenager.

As they arrived at the beach, they sat down at the same bench as yesterday. They sat in silence just like yesterday, Rin looking at the waves and Haruka looking at Rin.

Like yesterday, Rin was the first one to speak up.

"Thank you for doing this," the same sad smile as yesterday crossed his face.

"You're welcome," Haruka answered, as he thought about thanking Rin for letting him do it, but it seemed off right now. Rin still looked beautiful, and Haruka though about how blessed he felt to be given this opportunity to just sit there with the other teenager, and being allowed to study his features. It didn't really matter that much if his feelings towards the redhead was friendly or more than that.

Rin couldn't describe how good this felt. His time in silence with Haruka made him more relaxed than he'd been in a very long time. He pulled up his hood, hiding behind his bangs as he glanced towards Haruka. The raven-haired teenager had moved his eyes towards the ocean before them, looking at the waves and enjoying the chilly breeze. Rin smiled at Harukas longing expression as he looked at the water.

"Why don't you go take a dip?" the redhead asked, offering Haruka a gently smile.

"Are you coming too?" Haruka asked back, not wanting to leave Rin behind when he was finally able to spend some time with the teenager.

Rin was about to say yes and made a move to get up, but he realized he wasn't wearing his swimsuit today. He could easily swim in his underwear, but then his scars and cuts would be visible, not only to Haruka but to everyone else at the beach. He couldn't expose himself like that, no matter how much he wanted to go swimming with his old friend. He sat back on the bench again, a frown crossing his face as he shook his head.

"No, I don't really feel like it today," he mumbled, and looked down.

"Then we'll just do it another day," Haruka sat back too, and smiled at the redhead. Rin looked at him in disbelief, shocked that the blue-eyed teen would refuse a chance to swim, just because Rin wouldn't go. The raven-haired boy smiled at him again, and looked at the ocean again.

Rin felt the butterfly in his stomach wake up again, as it dawned on him, that this waterloving boy would rather spend time in silence with him, than go swimming. No, that couldn't be right, he was missing something.

As if he had read Rins mind, Haruka looked at him again and said: "I can always go swimming by myself. I want to enjoy the time I spend with you."

Rin blushed slightly, looking back down to hide his pink cheeks behind his hood. He wasn't able to kill off the butterfly this time. No matter how hard he tried, it kept fluttering around, making a warmth feeling hit his heart and making it grow a couple of sizes. He clenched his fists and curled his toes, trying to suppress the weird feeling as his heart started beating a bit faster.

Haruka walked Rin back to the dorm again, stopping at the gates and again he asked the redhead if he wanted him to pick him up again the next day. Rin nodded, finally able to control his body again, and walked towards his room.

Haruka left just like the day before, walking directly home after Rin was out of sight. He was happy. He could feel Rin slowly warming up to him. He looked forward to the next day.

Rin threw himself on his bed, Sailor in his arms. The urge to harm himself was long gone for now, as his entire body was humming by the thought of Harukas words. He smiled to himself. It felt weird to move his muscles like that again. It had been a very long time since he had something to smile about. He sighed and started stroking the cat, who had already started purring by the sight of his owner smiling.


	6. Chapter 6

The next day Rin was in a horrible mood, when Haruka came to pick him up. The raven-haired teenager could see that his friend had been crying, his eyes swollen and red. Rin refused to look at the blue-eyed boy and didn't say a single word as he locked the door behind them and they walked the familiar way towards the beach. Haruka wanted to ask the other teenager what had happened, but he held himself back, knowing that a question like that might trigger the redheads temper.

As they walked slowly towards the beach, Rin looked down at his feet, hating himself. He had managed to go three days without cutting, and he had actually been proud. Of course he had woken up in the middle of the night, the dark monster taking over his thoughts. The little butterfly had been killed off again, as he had convinced himself that he was a fool for having these sorts of feelings towards Haruka. Haruka just tried to befriend him again, and he just completely misunderstood the kind gesture. He was so goddamn stupid! As if it wasn't bad enough that he let the other teenager do this for him, 'cause he _knew_ he wasn't worth it, but to think that he would let himself develop feelings towards him was so fucking stupid! Christ, he hated himself! He felt like he was taking advantage of his old friend.

Rin sniffled, holding back a tear. He felt bad enough already and he felt so disappointed in himself, as he had moved to the bathroom in the middle of the night, to slice his skin again. Three days had passed and he had just fucked it all up. He really wanted to stop, but his body had moved on its own. Still wanting to let the old cuts rest and heal up, he had cut along the side of his thigh, trying not to hit the backside of his leg. He wanted to be able to sit down without sitting on the cuts, but as the blood started flowing down the tanned leg, he had lost it and the back of his thigh was swollen and sore now. He could feel the stinging pain every time he moved the leg, and he hated himself more and more for every step.

Haruka looked at him worriedly, still hoping to find out what had happened. He heard the sniffling noise from the redhead, his face hidden behind the hood. He really wished that Rin would be happy again, no matter what the cost.

As they walked down to the beach, Haruka moved towards the bench, but Rin had stopped, turning to look at the ocean. The raven-haired teenager walked back to his friend again, and looked at him, as a single tear ran down his chin. The redheads eyes widened, as the blue-eyes teen suddenly wrapped his arms around his and pulled him in a close embrace. The red-eyed teenager didn't move as more tears formed in his eyes.

"Please don't," he whispered against Harukas ear, feeling so incredible lost. The embrace was so warm and he loved it, but at the same time he didn't want any of it. He could feel the butterfly wake up again, but this time it was painful. The butterfly made his throat tighten as well as his stomach, the tears pressed harder against his eyes, and he just felt how much he actually liked Haruka and how impossible this love was. He liked him, he really did! Haruka was such a beautiful boy and he was kind and friendly, but he wasn't a person to just let everyone near him, making Rin feel special since the raven-haired teen actually spent so much time with him, when he was just such a looser. He wasn't worth Harukas time, and he hated that he liked him so much.

Rin started sobbing against Harukas shoulder, not able to hold back his tears anymore. Why did it have to be Haruka to see him like this? He hadn't cried in front of anyone but his cat in so many years, and this was the second time the raven-haired teenager saw crying. He ought to think the redhead was a goddamn pussy for crying like that.

"Please don't," he cried again, but not moving to push Haruka away.

"No," Haruka said firmly with a gentle voice though, "You need this."

Rin started crying even harder by those words. Haruka was right, he _needed _this and he _wanted_ it, but he wasn't worth it. Haruka was too good for him.

"No," he cried as his legs went limb under him, Haruka moving down with him until they were sitting in the sand, the blue-eyed teens arms still firmly around Rins shaking frame. "I can't take it, I'm not worth it."

"Schh," Haruka whispered against his ear, not to silence him but just to comfort him. Rin kept on sobbing, letting his tears make big wet spots on Harukas t-shirt. Haruka brought his hands to Rins cheeks, cupping his face and moving it to look into his swollen red eyes.

"Rin," he started but Rin closed his eyes shut as more tears formed and traced wet lines down his face, "Rin, look at me!" the raven-haired teenager repeated, moving the redheads face a bit closer to his own. When Rin finally looked at him, blue eyes locked with red, as Haruka whispered: "You _are_ worth it. I'm here for you, don't you ever forget that."

His words made Rins heart break to pieces, as his feelings towards the other teen grew even further. He was so kind, such an incredible wonderful person, and he wasted his time on someone worthless. It was just too much, he didn't want this, he couldn't bear anymore.

The redhead pushed his friend away and got up, his right thigh trembling from the pain. He started to run back towards the dorm, craving the pain from the razor, a pain he could control. He didn't really care if he had to slice up his entire leg, he just needed it.

"Rin! Wait!" Haruka yelled, getting up and running after the redhead.

"No! Leave me alone!" Rin cried, picking up his pace and making his thigh throb as the blood pressed against the infected wounds.

By the gates to the dorm, Haruka finally caught up to Rin, grabbing his wrist and pulling him back. Rin tried to tear himself away from the other teen, crying and yelling, ordering Haruka to let him go. Haruka dragged him around the corner, hiding them from the eyes of the bypassing people.

"Please, let me go," Rin cried, not having the energy to fight Haruka anymore, "I just want to be alone."

"Do you trust me?" Haruka asked, locking eyes with the sobbing teenager. Rin was taken aback by the sudden question.

"I don't know…" he mumbled, tears still running down his cheeks.

"Do you trust me?" Haruka raised his voice, but it was still gentle. He had worked hard to hard to get closer to Rin, he wouldn't let him back out now. He wouldn't push him too far, but he really felt like the redhead needed a small push now.

"I don't know!" Rin cried, letting his arms drop to his sides, "I.. I want to, but…" he trailed off, not really sure what he wanted to say.

"Please, trust me." Haruka moved closer and whispered, voice barely audible, "I wont let you down. I will do anything for you, Rin."

Rins eyes watered again, as he looked into Harukas blue eyes. This wasn't happening, something was off. Why would Haruka say something like that? He was lying, this couldn't be true. Why would he 'do anything for him'? His head was about to explode again, and he was about to jerk away from the raven-haired teenager, but suddenly his mind went numb. His eyes widened and every single thought in his head disappeared as he felt a pair of soft lips, brushing against his own. His heart thundered in his chest and his cheeks turned pink as he slowly relaxed and melted into the kiss.

Was he dreaming? Was this really happening? He moved his hand to touch his right thigh, a hiss escaped his lips but was muffled by the kiss, as the pain made him shiver. Haruka opened his eyes to see what had made the redhead made the sound, but Rin deepened the kiss, pulling the raven-haired teen closer, telling himself to enjoy it while it lasted. Haruka wrapped his arms closer around the redhead, nibbling at his bottom-lip, asking for entrance. Rin opened his mouth slightly, letting his tongue dance against Harukas. The warm embrace made the redhead feel small and protected, something he had longed to feel for so long. He wished he could just stay here for the rest of his life, forgetting about his dream and his pain and his miserable life.

Haruka was the first to break the kiss, locking eyes with Rin again as a disappointed look filled the red eyes in front of him.

"Please trust me, Rin," the blue-eyed teenager whispered, "I care so much about you. I wont let you down."

"I…" Rin started, feeling nervous about what he was about to say, "I'll try."

Haruka kissed him again, making the redhead sigh deeply through his nose.

"I'll come pick you up again tomorrow, okay?" the raven-haired teenager asked, offering the redhead a kind smile.

Rin sent him a sad smile in return, nodding slowly.

Haruka walked him back to the gates, kissing his cheek as goodbye and the redhead turned to walk back to his room. Haruka went back to his own house, smiling all the way. He had taken a chance by kissing Rin like that, but he thought it necessary and it had paid off.

Back in his room, Rin picked up Sailor and nuzzled his face against the soft fur, making the pet purr lightly. His body was tired and so was his head. He didn't really know if he was happy or sad, it was just a weird mix but he didn't really have the energy to think it through. He really hoped Haruka wouldn't hurt him or let him down, but he didn't dare to believe it yet. He didn't understand why Haruka would kiss him, what did he even see in the redhead? Maybe he could ask him tomorrow.

He bumped down on the bed, forgetting how sore his right leg was, as he bit his lip to muffle a hiss. He didn't really feel the need to play around with the razor anymore, and cuddles down under the blanket to take a nap. He was so tired.

Sailor cuddled up against his head, licking his cheeks to clean them from the dried up tears, and purred happily as his owner fell asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

Haruka smiled to himself while sitting in his bathtub. The kiss had made him realize how much he actually liked the other teen and his entire body felt bubbly as he thought about the redheads soft lips against his own. Rin apparently felt the same way, judging by his reaction to the soft kiss and the way he had pulled the blue-eyed teen closer. He reached out over the edge of the bathtub, pulling his phone out of his pants, deciding to send Rin a text.

_How are you?_

A couple of minutes went by before Rin answered.

_I'm fine. I had a nice time today._

Haruka smiled again. Rin was so adorable when he didn't want to say things directly, but wrapped it up like this. Haruka thought about texting something like '_Yeah, I really liked to kiss you too_', but decided not to tease the other teenager.

_Yeah, me too. I was wondering, since it's Friday tomorrow, if you maybe wanted to go to my place and watch a movie or something?_

He thought Rin maybe would open up to him, if they were all alone. Maybe he would find it easier to talk if he was sure no one was around.

_Yeah, okay._

It was obvious that Rin still didn't trust him fully, but Haruka was just glad he tried so hard. He really needed to make sure he didn't push too hard or hurt Rin by accident. He knew this would be hard and the redhead would probably bring a lot of trouble with him, but if they could just make it through together, everything would be fine.

_Do you still want me to pick you up? _No, that wasn't the right way to ask. Haruka deleted the text and thought about how he should phrase the question. If he made it sound like he didn't really want to but was willing to do it for Rins sake, the redhead would decline.

"God, Rin, what on earth happened to you?" the raven-haired teenager asked himself, thinking about how Rin used to be as a kid. He was kind of a rebel, never hesitating to ask exactly what he wanted and normally, he would get it, either by stubbornness or charm. Just like he had managed to persuade Haruka into swimming in the relay.

_May I still pick you up? _Haruka thought it was the best way to phrase it without sounding desperate. A moment later, he received an '_Ok._' from the redhead, and he dumped the phone next to the bathtub and leaned back. He really wondered what Rin needed the most. What could he do to make him feel better? To make him trust him? Maybe he should talk to Makoto after all.

He picked up his phone again to call his best friend and ask him to come over.

Half an hour later, Makoto and Haruka was sitting in the latter's kitchen.

"So, what did you want to talk about?" Makoto asked.

"I need you to promise you won't tell anybody about this," Haruka cut him off, knowing that Makoto would of course not tell anybody if Haruka asked him not to. Better safe than sorry, though.

"Of course," Makoto promised, a bit taken aback by the tone on the raven-haired teen's voice.

"It's about Rin. You know how he's been ever since returning from Australia, but I managed to actually get him to talk to me. Well, 'talk' is maybe an exaggeration, but we've been hanging out a bit lately," Haruka started, wondering if this was really such a good idea after all.

"Wow, impressive!" Makoto said, "How come you didn't tell me about that?"

"Because something is seriously wrong with him. I had finally managed to talk him into going to the beach with me, I didn't want to abuse his trust, so I just kept it to myself," Haruka answered, feeling a bit guilty about keeping secret for his best friend.

"I understand, don't worry," Makoto said, offering Haruka a kind smile. That was Makoto in a nutshell; always understanding, always there to say the right thing. And that was why Haruka needed his opinion on this matter.

"He's so sensitive and protective of himself all the time, I think something really bad happened to him in Australia. He said he'll try to trust me, but I really don't know what it is he needs the most," Haruka sighed, hoping the green-eyed teenager had some good advice.

"I can imagine it must be hard for a child to move to a new country all by himself. Remember, his mother and Kou stayed here while he went aboard," Makoto started, thinking about what he had just heard, "Maybe he felt lonely?"

"Yeah, I thought about that myself," Haruka said, looking at his best friend with a worried frown.

"I think the best you can do for him," Makoto paused for a second, "is to give him a lot of attention, make him feel like he's not alone anymore. Make him feel like he's… Loved?" The last word sounded more like a question, making Haruka blush a bit.

"Thank you," he mumbled, not too happy that his best friend could read him like an open book. Makoto just smiled in return.

* * *

After being woken up by Harukas texts, Rin couldn't fall back to sleep and decided he might as well just get up. He had slept for a couple of hours, and really wanted to take a shower. He left the door to the bathroom slightly open, to let Sailor walk in and out as he pleased, knowing that if Nitori came back while he was in the shower, he wouldn't just walk in on him.

Standing in the shower, he looked down on his right leg. There was no way he would ever be able to hide those cuts. The ones on the front – the infected ones – would no doubt leave some nasty scars after being ripped up so many times. The ones on the back of his thigh were way too deep not to leave scars as well. God, he hated it. They were so ugly, and comparing to his left thigh, it wouldn't be much prettier when they turned into scars. He never _ever _wanted anyone to see his legs ever again. It would be kind of hard though, cause he really wanted to see Harukas legs, and the rest of his body now that he thought about it. Maybe he could just turn off the light if they ever got that far and just make sure Haruka didn't touch his thighs.

The redhead brought his hand down to touch his left leg, trying to make out exactly where the scars were without looking. It was no use, the skin was so deform after all these years and of course Haruka would notice if he ever ran his hand over the redheads skin.

He was glad that Haruka hadn't noticed the two scars on his wrists. It was hard to come up with believable explanations about how he got his scars, and even harder to remember who he's told what. He should have just decided on one specific excuse instead of a bunch of different excuses.

_'It was the cat', 'I fell into a bush', 'I don't remember, I was drunk', "I scratched my arm on a rock while swimming in the ocean'._ The list was long. Bad excuses, that no one probably believed, but they didn't want to get involved, so they just smiled and told him he was too clumsy. Would Haruka believe him, if he told him one of those excuses? He probably would. Rin thought that maybe, _maybe, _Haruka actually did like him, like the redhead likes him, but why would he ever want to get involved in his fucked up life? Of course he didn't know what was going on, but would he just leave him if he ever found out?

Rin felt the sadness flush over him, as he thought about losing Haruka again. The raven-haired teen had promised to be there for him, he'd said he wanted to do anything for him. But how far would he go, if he really knew what was going on? Would he just tell him to get a grip, _be a man_, and stop whining? Or would he just disappear without saying anything?

What was the use, he wouldn't figure it out now anyway. Rin sighed, realizing he would have to actually _talk_ to Haruka if he wanted to find out just how long the raven-haired teenager would go for him.

Rin thought about it for a second. He knew that he was willing to go far for Haruka, but would he really be able to with all his troubles? Well, there were always _some things_ he could do for the other teen…

Getting out of the shower, Rin was starting to look forward to the next day and to going back to Harukas place and hang around. Sailor meowed and snuck around Rins legs, petting his tail along the tanned skin. Rin picked him up and nuzzled him, hugging him closely and thinking about how lucky he was to have the most amazing and caring cat in the entire world.

Just as he stood there in sweatpants and cat, Nitori opened the door to their room. His faced turned into a bright smile, as he saw Rin was in a better mood.

"Senpai!" he beamed, "Feeling better?"

"Yeah, slightly," Rin answered, trying to hide his smile. It returned on his face as soon as he thought about Haruka and the kiss, and Nitoris smile grew even wider.

"That's good to hear, Senpai," he said, and walked over to his desk with his bag.

"Nitori," Rin said, remembering that he was going to be out most of the next day, "Can you do me a favor?"

"Of course! What do you want me to do?"

"Can you… take care of Sailor tomorrow? I kinda have something I need to do, so I won't be here most of the day," the redhead asked sheepishly, not really sure what he should call his appointment with Haruka.

Nitori wanted to ask about the 'something', but knew Rin would never tell him. He just smiled and nodded, returning to the desk to do his homework. Rin smiled again as Nitori turned his attention away from him. He sat down on his bed, still holding the soft pet in his arms, he brought it closer to his face and kissed the soft pink skin on Sailors nose. The cat closed his eyes in a wide cat-smile and purred.

* * *

A/N: I wanted to bring Makoto into the story now, cause he's always such a big help to the other guys, and I felt like Haruka might need it later on in the story. I also wanted to add a little more conversation to the story now, since there's been almost none of it so far. I hope you like it, and if you like the story so far – and the pairing of course - you should look forward to the next chapter, it will contain a lot of fluff aaaand maybe a little something else. I haven't really decided yet.

I don't know if you guys want me to write authors notes in the end of every chapter. I did it in my first fanfic, "What Levi Wants", but I didn't really get if the readers like it or not.

And I know I said this in chapter two (I think), but I just want to repeat it: This is written out of personal experience, which makes me quite sensitive about this story. I will delete reviews is I feel like the subject of self-harm isn't being taken seriously, since I know how big a deal it is. I don't think my description on this subject matches everybody who does/have done this, and I've tried to do some research to make it as believable as possible. I can only speak for myself and describe what it was like for me, and that's the feelings and inner conflicts I put into Rins character.

By the way, I realized that I subconsciously made Haruka to the kind of person I needed the most during my period of self-harm. If any of you guys know someone who does this to themselves, I hope Harukas character can help you to be the best support you can be. People who hurt themselves like this, really need to feel loved. They need attention and care.

Sorry about the long A/N, I think I made up for all the chapters without.

Until next time!


	8. Chapter 8

Rin couldn't help but smile, as he waited for Haruka to cone pick him up the next day. It was Friday, the sun was shining, and he had managed to stay focused at school for a change.

As usual, he was in his room, cuddling up with his precious cat. Nitori sat his desk, doing his homework. He had promised to look after Sailor as Rin wasn't gonna be home most of the afternoon. The redhead was a bit anxious, as always he was afraid that Haruka wouldn't come pick him up. The cat meowed at him, telling him to stop worry.

Rin couldn't help it. He couldn't remember when was the last time he had felt like this, or if he ever had. He really liked the raven-haired teenager, and somehow he couldn't shake the feeling that the affection could be mutual. Not that he really understood what Haruka could possibly see in him, but he was happy, none the less. If he could just hide those nasty secrets for the other teenager, if he could just keep the dark monster in his head under control as long as Haruka was near him, everything would be fine. He just needed to not be himself.

A knock on the door made Rin jump out of bed and storm over to open the door. Nitori looked back over his shoulder to see who it was, giggling at the redheads reaction. Haruka sent the red-eyed teen a bright smile as the latter opened the door, grabbing his hoodie to get ready.

"Thank you for taking care of Sailor," Rin said lowly to Nitori, offering him a shy smile, as he bent down to pet the cat and say goodbye.

"A-anytime, Senpai!" Nitori beamed, waving at the two teenagers as they walked out the door.

"You seem to be in a good mood today?" Haruka asked on the way to his house.

"Yeah…" Rin answered, blushing lightly by the thought of him and Haruka being alone in the blue-eyed teens house, hoping to receive another one of Harukas soft kisses.

"I'm glad," Haruka said, grabbing Rins hand, merging their fingers and held on to the redhead until they arrived at his house.

Rin felt the soft skin of Harukas hand, the raven-haired males thumb brushing against the tanned skin on Rins hand in a soft caress. Rin had forgotten all about his inner demons and the sore cuts on his right thigh by now. The comfort from Haruka had pushed it to the back of his head where he didn't notice it. This was the best he had felt in a very long time, and he wished it would never end. He just wanted to keep on walking, hand in hand, with the teenager he adored so much.

Too soon, Haruka had to let go to unlock the door to his house, holding the door for the redhead. The blue-eyed teen wondered for a moment if he was overdoing it, but on the other hand, Rin needed to feel loved, like Makoto said.

"I, eh…" Haruka started, suddenly feeling nervous about being alone with the redhead. Rin looked at him curiously, but got a bit nervous himself by the look on Harukas face. Did the raven-haired teen regret to take him here? Seeing a bit of sadness in the red eyes, Haruka pulled Rin closer to comfort him, touching his chin and stoking the back of his head, as he continued: "I thought I might make us some food if you're hungry?"

"No," Rin answered, his cheeks turning pink by the caring movement from the other teenager, and he looked at Harukas face which was dangerously close to his own. "I mean, I'm not. I really just want to hang out and, you know… B-be close to you," he stuttered, blushing even harder.

Harukas eyes widened a bit by the statement, surprised and happy about Rin being able to tell him what he wanted. He closed the gap between them, pushing his lips gently against the redheads. Rin sighed deeply, closing his eyes and melted into the kiss. Haruka wrapped his arms around the red-eyed teenager, who responded by throwing his arms over his shoulders and tangling his fingers in the soft black hair.

Haruka brushed his tongue against the redheads lower lip, waiting to be allowed entrance. Rin opened his lips slightly and sucked softly on the blue-eyed teens tongue before letting his own dance playfully against the others. Haruka sighed through his nose, enjoying the game and deepening the kiss.

Rins felt dizzy by the sweet taste of Harukas gentle lips and tongue, playing with his own. He still couldn't believe this was happening, what had he ever done to deserve this pleasure? How could he suddenly be this lucky? Why was he even thinking about this now, when he could be enjoying Harukas sweet lips?

Rin moaned lowly against Harukas lips, as he finally managed to cut off his thoughts and just go with the flow. Haruka broke the kiss to let his tongue track down Rins neck, earning him a panting sigh from the other teen. The blue-eyed male had to remind himself not to push Rin, almost forgetting it due to the delicious noises escaping the other boys lips.

Rin grabbed his hair, pulling him up again and smashing their lips together. He nibbled at Harukas soft bottom-lip, tugging a bit while he dragged his fingers through the dark locks and letting his fingertips ghost over the nape of the raven-haired teens neck.

Haruka shivered from the gentle caress and moved closer to Rin, trapping him between the wall and his own body. Rin moaned again as he felt the toned body of the other teenager, push against his own. He liked to feel trapped like this, hidden between the wall and Harukas gorgeous body. He felt safe with his back against the wall and Haruka protecting him like that. The feeling of being safe made him relax even further.

Haruka was starting to get a bit aroused, still reminding himself not to push Rin too far. The redhead would probably feel used if they went all the way, and the raven-haired teen had to hold himself back even though it felt impossible to stop now. Fuck it, he had to pull himself together. If would just fuck up everything if they took it all the way, and Rin needed to feel loved, not fucked. He sighed deeply against the redheads lips, making Rin open his eyes slightly; red glassy eyes met blue dizzy eyes. Fuck, why did the redhead have to be so beautiful? Those needy eyes and desperate lips were just irresistible.

The raven-haired teen growled lowly, moving his hands down along the redheads sides, touching every inch of Rins upper body through the clothes. Rin sighed in pleasure, as no one had ever touched him like that before. He could feel all of Harukas attention on him through his eyes, lips and fingertips. The butterfly fluttered around in his stomach, making his blush again.

Harukas hands moved further down along Rins sides, ghosting over his hips and tracking towards his thigh. Rin froze and grabbed Harukas left hand, jerking it away from his right thigh as the raven-haired teen had almost touched the sore skin under his pants. Haruka pulled away from the kiss, studying Rins expression, trying to figure out what had happened. Was he moving too fast? Rin felt a bit desperate, as the other teenager studied ham, and he had to cover up his weird behavior before Haruka could ask about it. He pulled Haruka closer again by the wrist, moving the blue-eyed teens hand under his t-shirt and brushing it against his abdomen and chest. As Harukas fingertips brushed against his nipple, Rin moaned out loudly, making himself blush by the sudden outburst. Haruka took it as an invite to touch a bit more and kissed the redhead again, moving his other hand under the t-shirt and started touching and caressing every inch of the redheads chest, abdomen and back, making Rin moan and sigh again.

Rin couldn't ignore his hard-on anymore, as Harukas soft lips trailed along his neck and ear, fingers still ghosting over his upper body. The redhead growled loudly, grabbing the black locks again and pulling Harukas head up to the level of his own, kissing him deeply as the other teen made a movement to pull off the redheads t-shirt. Enjoying the sight of muscles under tanned skin, Haruka looked at Rins body and started touching him again before smashing their lips together again.

Rin decided to return the favor and moved his own hands to pull off Harukas t-shirt, feeling the need to see and touch the beautiful frame of him swimmer-body. Lifting his arms to let the redhead remove the cloth, Haruka suddenly moaned out loudly as Rin started to lick his chest while the blue-eyed teens arms was still captured by the fabric.

"Rin... arg, fuck!" Haruka panted, as the other teenager flickered his tongue over his nipple. While he still had a bit of sense left, he pushed Rin away, slamming the redheads body against the wall behind him, making the teenager hiss and growl in a mix of pain and pleasure. Haruka didn't care to ask if he was okay, be bent down and started treating Rins chest and nipples like the one he had just received himself.

"Ahh – Haru!" Rin moaned as the teen tucked his nipple with his lips, letting his tongue dance over the sensitive spot. Getting the reaction he wanted, Haruka moved lower down over the toned body, nibbling at the soft skin and making Rin moan over and over again. The raven-haired teen got on his knees, moving to open the redheads pants while kissing the lowest part of his stomach.

Rin threw his head back, enjoying the delicious touch, until he realized what was happening. His body tensed, remembering what was hidden beneath his pants. If Haruka removed his pants, he would see the wounds, it was impossible not to notice them. Fuck!

Rin jerked back, pushing Haruka away with a frightened look in his eyes. Haruka landed on his butt, looking confused at the redhead.

Fuck, shit, crap, he had to cover this up somehow. And fast!

Rin threw himself on the floor between Harukas legs, attacking his mouth with his own and using both hands to touch the teenager roughly. The blue-eyed teen looked at him even more confused but as Rin moved down to bite his nipple and lick the soft skin, he forgot why he was confused and threw his head back with a loud moan. Rin knew he had to move fast to make the other teenager forget about his behavior, and moved down his body, licking and biting all the way down the tanned abdomen.

"Rin, wait-" Haruka tried, red cheeks as an effect of how horny he was now. He had to control himself, it was really important.

Rin ignored him ripping up his pants and tried to pull them down along with his underwear.

"Rin, please don't-" Haruka moaned as the redhead grabbed his dick through the boxers. Rin looked up at him, his expression hard to read.

"You don't like me?" he asked, his red eyes locking with the blue in front of him.

"Of course I do, isn't that obvious?" Haruka answered, nodding towards the bulge in his underwear. Rin smirked seductively, bending down and pulling Harukas dick out as a bit of pre-cum dripped from the tip. The redhead licked the tip, letting his tongue track along the underside, tasting the salty and warm body-part.

"Wait, Rin!" Haruka moaned, still telling himself not to lose it.

Rin twirled his tongue around the tip again, closing his lips around the head and pushing the wet muscle against the sensitive skin, slowly starting to bob his head, taking Harukas hard-on as deep as he could.

"Ahh – fuck – Rin!" Haruka moaned, feeling way too good to actually make the redhead stop. Rin removed his mouth to lick and nib at the raven-haired teens balls and thighs, while stoking his dick, trying to catch his breath. He admired the perfect and soft skin on Harukas thighs, whishing his own weren't as uneven and deform as it was.

"Rin, please stop!" Haruka finally managed to get through his gritted teeth, gently pulling the teenagers face up by the silky red locks.

"You don't like it?" Rin asked, cocking his head.

"Wha- of course I do! You are fucking amazing!" Haruka panted, still holding onto the red locks to make sure Rin didn't continue, "I just... Hnnn-" he cut himself off, as Rin started stroking his dick again, still looking at him with glassy eyes, waiting for the teenager to continue. Haruka put his other hand over Rins hand, covering his dick, and held it still. "I just don't want you to think I'm using you or any- ahh!"

Rin had jerked his head down, making Haruka pull out a few stands of red hair, as the teenager started sucking his dick again. The redhead picked up his pace, sucking faster and harder as Haruka started panting harder and one moan after another escaped his lips.

"Ahh, Rin – stopstopstop!" he groaned, trying to hold back as he was getting close to release. "Fuck, Rin, I'm gonna-" he started, but Rin sucked even harder, deepthroating the other teenager and swallowed around the throbbing head, pushing Haruka over the edge as he released into Rins mouth with a loud moan, ringing through the entire house.

Rin swallowed, licking the sensitive tip clean, making Harukas body twitch under him. The raven-haired teenager looked down at the object of his affection, pulling the redhead up and kissing him deeply. Rin blushed a bit, thinking back at what had just happened, feeling a bit ashamed about how he'd acted. He felt like a slut, doing stuff like that as soon as he had entered the door, but if it made Haruka like him… He felt a pinch of something dark in his heart, realizing the dark monster was moving again.

Haruka noticed the sudden change of mood, and pulled the redhead closer, wrapping his arms around him again. He rested his back against the wall, holding Rin close to his chest and nuzzling his back in round soothing movements. Rin breathed deeply, trying to shut the dark feeling out of his mind again.

"You really didn't have to do that," Haruka whispered after a few moments, kissing the redheads shoulder.

"I wanted to," Rin answered, knowing it was half true and half a lie. He hadn't minded doing it, not at all, as long as it was Haruka. He just wished he hadn't done it just to keep the raven-haired teen from discovering his cuts. Maybe he just did it to make Haruka love him. He wasn't really sure. It was all he could do to make him love him, giving him pleasure like that. He wasn't good-looking, he wasn't especially kind or funny, he didn't really have anything to offer. But if blowjobs and sex could keep Harukas attention, it was what he had to do.

"Look at me," Haruka whispered, nuzzling his nose against the redheads cheek. Rin slowly moved his head to look at the other teen, Haruka noticing the sad look on his face.

"I really like you," Haruka said, placing a gentle kiss on the redheads lips, "You don't need to do stuff like that, even though it was _really_ good."

Rin giggled and blushed, kissing the blue-eyed teen again as the compliment settled in his head.

"I'm serious," Haruka smiled, happy to see Rin giggle, "You should let me do stuff like that to you instead. I think you're the one who needs to enjoy yourself a bit." He winked at the teenager on top of him, making Rins cheeks turn pink.

Before he managed to form an answer, Haruka had moved to get on his feet. He pulled Rin up along with himself, kissing him again and pulling him towards the living room.

"You came here to watch a movie, didn't you?" Haruka smirked, leading the redhead towards the couch.

"I… I should probably get back…" Rin said, still a bit ashamed about what he'd just done. He knew Haruka had just told him he didn't needed to blow him, but he still felt like it was the only thing he could do right. Haruka didn't need to treat him like he was someone special, just to get a head. Somewhere in his head, Rin was just happy to be helpful, even if it meant he had to use himself like that.

Haruka turned around, looking at Rin. "No, please stay. I didn't ask you to come here just to get off, I promise. I really just wanted to cuddle up with you and watch a movie and just hang out. Please believe me."

Rin looked down, not sure what to believe. It felt so good when they were together and when Haruka kissed him. Everything felt good with Haruka, but was it actually real?

"Rin…" Haruka moved closer, cupping the redheads face and moving it up to lock eyes with him. The blue-eyed teenager kissed the redhead gently, and whispered: "I'm in love with you."

* * *

A/N: I don't know what the fuck is going on! Every time I write smut, I can't stop again! I'm such a perv, please help me!

The story is far from finished, I have so much more to put the guys through, and I think it's gonna be a tough ride.

Thank you for the reviews, favorites and follows! You guys are amazing :3


	9. Chapter 9

It was dark when Rin went home. Haruka had fallen asleep on the couch while they cuddled under a blanket, watching Jaws. The redhead had studied the teenagers relaxed face as he slept, and had found him quite adorable.

He began to feel alone as Haruka had fallen deeper into his sleep, and the dark monster had started to move again. He didn't wanted to wake him up, it wasn't his fault that the redhead had problems. Rin decided to leave without waking the sleeping teenager, gathering his clothes and left Harukas house without making a sound.

He knew it was wrong. Haruka would probably hate him when he noticed, but it was better than showing the teen this ugly side of him - again!

He walked slowly, as the chilly breeze made him shiver. There was no need to get back to the dorm fast, maybe it would be good for him to be alone for a bit. When he was alone, he didn't need to lie or keep secrets. When he was alone, he didn't need to put up a façade or pretend he was okay. When he was alone, he could let the dark monster out and let in breath. He didn't have to fight to keep it under control, he could just let it all go.

His secrets were so hard to keep for himself. He really wanted someone to know what he had been through, what had happened in Australia and what he did to himself. He wanted someone to ask him if he was okay, why he was sad or what happened to his thighs. He really wanted to let it all out, but he knew how much he would regret it immediately after. No one would understand. If people around him found out what he did to himself, they would make it even worse.

After that night in Australia where he had slit his wrists, he had to wear bandages for a week. They were impossible to hide and his classmates had just teased him about it; _'Oh my god, you're such an emo', 'Are you like a cutter or something?', 'You just want attention!'. _He didn't want the fucking attention, he wanted to die! He wanted to leave and just be alone! He wondered what it would be like to cut his wrists again. Would it feel as good as the first time? He remembered how sensitive the skin had been, taking the pain to a whole other level than the cuts on his thighs.

He shook his head, trying to get rid of the temptation. There were a reason why he cut his thighs and not his arms and wrists; after he tried to commit suicide, his doctors had kept an eye on him, checking for self-harm every time he had an appointment. They checked his wrists, not his thighs.

Why did all those thoughts have to come now? He really just wanted to stay with Haruka, just cuddle up next to him and sleep, feeling the warm body of the other teenager and just hope it would all still be there in the morning.

But he had left, and he was almost home now. It was late and Nitori was probably asleep, so he locked himself into their room, trying not to make a sound. Sailor was ready at the door to welcome him home, and the redhead picked up his pet before he started to meow. He removed his clothes, pulling on a pair of pyjamas pants, trying to adjust his eyes to the dark. Nitori snored in his bed, not noticing the redhead.

Finally, Rin cuddled up in his bed with his cat, hiding under the blanket and hating himself for the rest of the night.

* * *

The next morning Rin had received a text from Haruka. He didn't even look at it, let alone answer it. The other teen was probably angry at him for leaving like that, and the redhead didn't wanted to deal with it now. Not having any plans for the weekend - and knowing that Haruka might come by his room when he didn't answer him - Rin decided to go hide somewhere. He asked Nitori to look after Sailor again and the grey-haired teenager was as always happy to help.

Rin went outside, thinking about where he could hide from the raven-haired teenager. As he walked towards the park, remembering a tall tree he used to climb as a child. That might be a nice place to spend the day until he was ready to deal with the rest of the world.

* * *

Haruka woke up on the couch - alone. He sighed, hoping that Rin was somewhere else in the house, but he had a feeling that he probably wasn't. The teenager rubbed his tired face and wished he was a light-sleeper and Rin wouldn't be able to sneak out like that.

He wasn't mad at Rin, but _oh,_ how he wished the redhead would make it just a bit easier for him! He had to know what was going on soon, he needed to know what had happened to the other teenager. Haruka grew more and more worried every time Rin acted like this, and of course he wanted to help him and be there for him, like he had promised, but really was worried. He just wanted to understand the redhead. He knew it might be complicated, but he really wanted to! he would never judge him or anything, but not knowing what was going on, made his mind play tricks on him. Trying to explain something he knew nothing about, just made his fantasy go crazy, making up weird scenarios. It got worse and worse for each time. For both his own and Rins sake, he had to find out what was triggering the other teen.

He pulled out his phone and looked at the bright light, thinking about how to phrase his thoughts. He always had to keep in mind not to blame Rin.

_I hope you got home safely. I wish you could have stayed or I could have walked you home. I miss you. _Send.

That would make Rin happy, right? He probably didn't believe it when Haruka told him he was in love with him, but maybe in time...

* * *

Rin sat in the tree for a couple of hours, without really looking at anything. He was completely lost in thoughts. It was really nice to be alone, but he was still so frustrated about _everything_, and at the same time he was just really sad. He was so tired of these mood-swings, it scared him. He had been so happy to be with Haruka and the raven-haired teen had even told him he was in love. _With him!_ Next moment, the redhead had almost felt claustrophobic, wanting to get away from said person who made him so happy. Next was the sadness, the madness and the self-hatred.

The dark monster in his head moved again, and the redhead thought that of course he couldn't allow himself to love or be loved like that. It was to risky. He would just get hurt and hurt Haruka.

He remembered his mother once telling him, that there were good kinds and bad kinds of pain. Loosing someone you care about was a good pain, because it proved you could develop deep feelings towards others and feel the pain of loosing them. In Rins head, it was the exact opposite. Caring about someone and getting hurt was the bad kind of pain. The good kind was the one he inflicted on himself. The sharp blades across his skin, slicing his soft skin; that was the good kind of pain. The one he could control. The one that could make him forget about the bad kind of pain, at least for a moment.

He looked down at his pants, knowing exactly what his thighs looked like now. The inflamed wounds was finally healing up, but he was absolutely sure they would leave ugly scars. He could do it again soon. He felt the itch in his fingers, tracing his fingertips over the cuts through the cloth. When he did it, when he cut, he felt like he was close to himself. Closer than he would ever be able to get any other way. Close to himself and really far away from everybody else. The pain kept him safe in a little bubble, hiding from the rest of the world. Just him and the red liquid.

* * *

After getting back to his room, Rin ignored Nitori along with his phone. Nitori looked at the redhead hiding in his bed, facing the wall, every time his phone lit up and the buzz indicated he had received a new text. Rin ignored Harukas texts all Saturday. All Sunday. All Monday as well. Sailor looked at his owner every time a new text came in, sending him reproachful looks, as Rin refused to get anywhere near the damn thing. The cat tried to comfort his owner, but Rin never doubted that his pet wanted him to get a grip and answer the raven-haired teenager.

* * *

A/N: I know, Sailor is getting a little human-like now, but cats are really intelligent! I had the most amazing cat myself, she always knew what I needed and hated if I let my phone ring for too long or make noise. Sailor is a very special cat!

How's the pace of the story? I still think I dwell too much at Rins feelings, but hopefully there's gonna be more action soon! Please let me know what you think, the reviews mean the world to me and keeps me motivated. You guys are such sweethearts.

I just realized how many parts I've devided this chapter into. That's pretty annoying, I didn't realize until now! I'm terribly sorry!


	10. Chapter 10

The cuts on Rins right thigh was finally healing up; the inflammation was gone, leaving thick scabs and rough reddish skin around it. Rin had tried to scratch some of the scabs off, leaving the skin red and irritated. He hated how ugly his legs were now, there was no way the scars would ever disappear. They would always be there, just like the ones on his left thigh and on his wrists, white lines standing out against the tanned skin.

He would never be able to show his thighs again. People would notice, and ask him about it, maybe even make fun of it. He doubted if he would ever be able to stop cutting, even though he wanted to.

His leg was still sore and the scabs stretched every time he moved his leg. It had been long since the last time he had managed to fuck his leg up this bad, and he was constantly aware of it. He had cancelled his training last week, and even though he thought it felt bad, he thought it would be for the best if he cancelled today as well. He was afraid the wounds would burst open again if he joined the practise today and it would be bad if anyone saw his blood in the pool. He would never be able to come up with a good explanation.

After school, he went down to talk to Mikoshiba.

* * *

Haruka had just gotten home from school, still wearing his uniform as he went straight to his kitchen to make some tea. He had tried to contact Rin the last three days without any luck. Saturday he had went to the redheads dorm, only to find Nitori alone in their room. The grey-haired teenager had told him that Rin was out and he didn't know when he'd be back. Sunday and Monday he had tried to text him and call him a couple of times, but still without luck.

Haruka hadn't gotten much sleep, as he had been worried for the other teenager. He wasn't mad at him for leaving like that, even though it would have been nice if he had said something, or even better - if he had just stayed! But he wasn't mad, he was just a bit hurt and very worried.

While pouring the boiling water over the tea-leafs, lost in his own thoughts about the redhead, he heard a loud banging against his front-door, followed by a desperate cry.

"HARUKAAA!"

The banging on the door continued as Haruka walked through the hall and opened it. On the other side was Rin, tears flowing down his face and looking like a mess. The redhead threw himself in Harukas arms and started crying, as his legs slowly bent under him.

Haruka was taken aback by the redhead, but managed to wrap his arms around him and keep him on his legs, as he kicked the door closed again, and pulled Rin inside. The raven-haired teenager wrapped his arms around the redhead, and held him close, trying to calm him down. Rins entire body was shaking as he sobbed against Harukas shoulder.

"Rin..." Haruka spoke lowly against the redheads ear in a gentle voice, trying to calm down the other teenager. Rin kept on sobbing, clinging onto the raven-haireds back. They stood in the hall for ten minutes; Rin crying his heart out while Haruka tried to calm him down, holding him tight and placing gentle kisses on his cheeks and neck.

When the redhead finally started to calm down, Haruka pulled away to look at the other teen, kissing him gently on the lips.

"Come on in, I'm making tea," the raven-haired whispered, and grabbed Rins hand, pulling him along.

Rin didn't say anything, he just looked down while the tears were still running down his face, and walked along into the kitchen. He sniffed and tried to wipe the tears from his face, only to make space for new ones.

Haruka made the tea and poured it into two mugs, handing one over to the redhead, who took it with shaking hands, still looking down. He followed Haruka towards the couch, where they sat down, and Haruka pulled Rin closer, wrapping an arm around him to give him comfort.

"What happened?" the raven-haired teenager asked, stroking the redheads hair.

Rin took a sip of his tea, before sighing and looking up at the other teenager.

"M-Mikoshiba told me, that if I didn't start taking the training seriously, h-he would have to..." tears was forming in his eyes again, but he swallowed hard to keep himself from crying again, and continued, "He would have to kick me off of the team."

Haruka looked at Rin in disbelief, not understanding where this came from.

"But... You attended Samezuka Academy to join the swimming-team, that's your dream," the raven-haired said slowly, trying to figure out why the captain had threatened Rin with kicking him out.

"He doesn't care about that," Rin sniffled, taking another sip of his tea.

"But you're a great swimmer!" Haruka raised his voice a bit, still not understanding what was going on, "Why would he say that you don't take the training seriously?"

"I, eh..." the redhead started, glaring down at the mug between his hands, "I haven't been attending practise the last couple of times."

Silence filled the room for a moment, while Rin starred intensively at the tea in his mug, waiting for Harukas response, while the raven-haired teen tried to figure out what to say.

"Why not?" he then asked, deciding to be as forward as possible.

Rin was silent for another moment, clinging onto the mug as a dark atmosphere spread in the room.

"I haven't felt too good lately..." Rin answered, barely audible, hiding hid eyes behind his red bangs.

"Are you sick?" Haruka asked.

"No."

"Are you injured?"

"K-kind of..." Rin said, looking away from the other teenager. He wasn't really comfortable with where this conversation was going, but he didn't want to get up and leave this time. He was still crushed after his talk with Mikoshiba, he didn't felt like being alone and despite of the unpleasant conversation, it was nice to be around him again.

"If you're injured and can't swim because of that, then why is he giving you a hard time?" Haruka asked, moving a bit closer to the other teenager, and stroke his back gently.

"I haven't told him," Rin answered, still looking away but enjoying the gentle strokes on his back.

"Why not?" the blue-eyed teen asked again, pulling Rin closer and wrapping his arm around him. He knew he was pushing it, and he didn't want Rin to run off again.

"It's nothing serious," Rin said, barely audible, and leaned into the embrace, his back against Harukas chest.

Haruka nuzzled against the redheads neck, feeling his sent in his nose, and placing a gentle kiss.

"It's enough to keep you from swimming. I'm sure he'll understand if you tell him about it," the raven-haired spoke lowly against Rins ear.

Rin wasn't really sure if Mikoshiba would understand, and he certainly didn't want to tell either Haruka or the captain about how he was 'injured'. But talking to Haruka about it, made him feel a bit better and he caring embrace made him relax. He sighed deeply and drank the rest of his tea before placing the mug on the coffee-table and leaning back into Harukas arms.

"Can I ask you how you are injured?" Haruka asked nervously, as the specific matter seemed to have a great influence on Rin.

"I... I don't really want to talk about it," Rin mumbled. He didn't want to come up with a lie, it felt wrong to lie to Haruka when he was so kind to him.

"You know I'm here if you wanna talk, right?" Haruka asked, placing another sweet kiss on Rins neck.

"Yeah..." Rin mumbled again, avoiding Harukas blue eyes. The raven-haired pulled him closer and turned him around to face him.

"I mean it, I'm here for you," the blue-eyed teen said, locking eyes with the redhead. Rins eyes widened slightly and he blushed before leaning in and placing a soft kiss on Harukas lips. He deepened the kiss before pulling away from the redhead, and looking him deep in the eyes, as he continued: "I'm serious, Rin. I'm so in love with you and I want noting more than to help you."

Rin blushed even further before he spoke in a raspy voice: "I'm in love with you too."

"I hope you believe me when I say I'll do anything to help you," Haruka said with a kind smile, "You can trust me."

Touched by the words and Harukas kind eyes, Rin felt a warmth in his heart and how his feelings towards the other teenager grew. He had started to believe in Haruka without really noticing and he actually _did _trust him. He couldn't remember when was the last time he had trusted someone, but it didn't really matter right now.

He turned in the couch, sitting on his knees to face Haruka properly, sending him a grateful smile, and leaning in to kiss him again. He felt so safe here with the other teen, and the care and attention the raven-haired provided him was really what he needed. He leaned back again as the feeling kept growing in him, and it was hard not to just burst them out. But he couldn't really keep his mouth shut.

"Sometimes.. I, eh.. Well, not all the time maybe, but sometimes - I feel like... that, eh... I think I love you," the redhead said, looking down at his hands in his lap. Was this going too fast? Maybe it hadn't been a good idea to say stuff like that. There was a great difference between being in love and loving someone.

"I love you too," the other teen said, as easily as if he had told him which day it was. He was smiling widely when Rin finally looked up at him again. "I really do."

Rin was shocked for a moment, while Haruka kept smiling sweetly at him, fining Rins reaction kind of funny and cute. As the feelings towards the other teenager kept on growing inside the redhead and he started to feel a bit human again, like a person who was actually worth something. No one could make him feel like Haruka did, and the redhead knew it only mattered because it was Haruka.

Rin pulled him closer by the tie and smashed his lips against the raven-haireds. Haruka quickly deepened the kiss by cocking his head and nuzzling Rins neck and hair with his hand. Rin moaned lowly against Harukas lips. Harukas words and the feelings they had started in him, had been enough to get him a bit aroused, and he just wanted the other teen now. Before the raven-haired teenager could do or say anything, the redhead had spread his legs over him and placed himself on his lap, grinding himself against the raven-haired and pulling his head back against the couch as they let their tongues dance playfully and hungry against each other.

* * *

A/N: Heeheehee, are you ready for a little smut in the next chapter? Go ahead and call me a dirty tease, I'm used to it.

I tried to make the chapter a bit longer, and I'm gonna do my best to do that from now on.

Just a short note; I know it might seem a bit weird with Rins mood-swings and that he gets turned on by Harukas kind words and attention, but that's often how it works with people like Rin (in this story). It's hard for people like him to express emotions, and sex is often the easiest way to express it even though it might not be the best way. This doesn't mean that Rin don't really want to, or is trying to buy Haruka with sex, but this is how his head works.

But yes, this is chapter 10 ! I'll update again soon, after all, I really love to write smut.

- Sincerely, the pervy author.


	11. Chapter 11

Haruka was taken by surprise when Rin threw himself at him like that. One second he had been kissing the redhead sweetly and caring, and the next second Rin was straddling him, grinding what felt like a boner against his abdomen. The raven-haired teen could feel the tight ass rubbing against his crotch, causing him to develop a growing bulge himself.

He didn't have time to react as Rin pulled his head closer by the tie again, never letting go of the long piece of fabric, and grabbing onto his hair with his other hand. The blue-eyed teen grabbed onto the other teenager, quickly sliding his hands up under the shirt to feel Rins soft skin against his fingertips.

Rin growled lowly against Harukas mouth by the sensation of finally being touched by those amazing hands again. His hands were all over his chest and abdomen, discovering every single part of the redheads upper-body. The unshared attention to his body made Rin grow even more aroused and he moaned while attacking the raven-haireds mouth again, biting his lip and teasing him with the tip of his tongue.

Haruka had wanted to ask the redhead if they should move to a more comfortable place, but the teasing with the wet muscle against his lips, as he tried to catch the redheads tongue with his own, made him forget everything. He jerked forward, making Rin land on his back on the couch with Haruka hovering above him, as the raven-haired finally caught the tongue with his own and smashed their mouths together.

Rin moaned again. His legs were still spread, Harukas body placed between them, and the redhead wrapped his legs around the other teenager, as he clenched the muscles in his legs, and pressed his crotch against Harukas. The raven-haired groaned into the rough kiss by the feeling of legs around him, pulling him down and making devilish delicious friction as their clothed hard-ons grinded against each other.

The raven-haired teen pulled his lover up again, digging his nails into his back, as he sat up again with the redhead placed on his lap again. A deep pleasurable sigh escaped the redheads throat as he enjoyed the swift and rough movement around on the couch, and he let a hand slide down the neck of Harukas shirt, scratching his nails over the soft skin, while still holding onto the tie in the front.

Remembering the question he had wanted to ask a bit earlier, but not really willing to break the heated moment, Haruka rose from the couch with Rin still wrapped around him. The raven-haired placed his hands under the teens ass to support him. Rin was surprised by Harukas strength but enjoyed the hands firmly holding onto his ass. He tightened the hold of his legs around the raven-haireds waist, not really caring where he was taking him.

Haruka started walking towards the hall, bumping Rins back against the wall, pushing himself against the other teen and letting his hands wander over his body for a moment. The redhead let go of the others mouth to trail hungry kisses along his neck and jawline before nibbling on his earlobe. Haruka groaned and pulled Rins head back by the hair, making him moan out loudly as the raven-haired licked his was up and down the sensitive skin, and smashing his mouth against the neck right under Rins ear. He bit and sucked hard, working out a purple and swollen love-bite, while Rin kept on grinding himself against his lover.

After finally letting go of the bruised skin, Haruka grabbed onto the redheads firm ass and hoisted him a bit higher up his hips, and started walking towards the hall again. Driven wild by the love-bite, Rin finally let go of the tie and fisted both of his hands in the soft black locks of the other teen, pulling the hair roughly and biting onto his bottom-lip again, drawing a bit of blood as he growled through his teeth. In response, Haruka smashed him against the door-frame between the living-room and the hall, making Rin let go of his lips as he felt a slight pain as the wood hit him between his shoulders. The pain faded quite fast though, as Haruka moved his hands from his ass to his shirt, pulling it over his head. As Rin threw his arms over Harukas shoulders again, the raven-haired started licking and sucking the part of his chest he could reach while still holding the redhead in position, his legs still wrapped around the blue-eyed teen. Rin moaned loudly by the feeling of the warm mouth against his chest and the tongue ghosting over his nipple.

Haruka had had enough of playing around, and moved his hands back down to the redheads ass once again and moved further through the house. Pushing his love against the wall once more, Haruka reached his hand out to fumble for the door-knob to his room next to Rins body. He used this opportunity to started licking up and down his neck, digging his nails into the nape. With his free hand, he started to unbutton Harukas shirt, after loosening the tie and pulled it off his right shoulder. Haruka moaned and grabbed onto Rins ass with both hands again, lost in the pleasure. After collecting himself, he reached for the door again and Rin started to lick and bite onto Harukas shoulders, making a mark of his own on the other teen. Getting distracted again, Haruka clenched onto his lovers upper back, dragging his nails all over the redheads shoulders and leaving angry red marks. He pulled the other teens head away from his shoulders by the red locks, and looked him deep in the eyes, glassy blue meeting dizzy, half-lidded red.

"We'll never make it to the bed if you keep this up," Haruka panted, kissing his lover deeply and trying to open the door to his room once again. Rin smirked against the kiss, letting the raven-haired teen get a break to move them into the dark room.

Once inside, Haruka went straight for the bed, falling into the mattress with Rin under him. Having planned out something himself, Rin was fast to switch them around, pinning the raven-haired teen to the bed, as he sat up straight, ass still on his crotch.

Wild glassy blue eyes looked at him in wonder, as the redhead removed the tie from the raven-haireds neck, and tied his wrists together with the piece of cloth, and fastening it by the head of the bed, making it impossible for Haruka to move his hands. Haruka looked at him in disbelief for a moment, but then his eyes turned needy and horny again, deciding to go with the flow. If this was what Rin was into, he wouldn't protest the slightest as long as he was allowed to play the same game. Rin smirked seductively by the sight of his lovers approval, bending down to tease him with his tongue ghosting over his lips again, before kissing him deeply.

The redhead looked around in the dark room, looking for another piece of cloth. He got up as his eyes fell on another one of Harukas ties on his desk. On his way back to the bed, he slowly unbuttoned his pants with one hand while locking eyes with the raven-haired teenager. Haruka swallowed audible by the erotic sight of the other teen, shadows falling around the toned body and the beautiful face in the dim room.

"Stop teasing me," he ordered, his voice dark and rusty from arousal.

Rin grinned teasingly and walked over next to Harukas head, leaning in for another kiss before blindfolding him with the second tie. Haruka breathed hoarsely, turned on even more by the thought of not being able to see what Rin was about to do to him. The only reason he let Rin do this, was because he really trusted him or else he wouldn't have let him blindfold him like this, but he also knew, that if he used all his strength, he would easily be able to pull his hands free or maybe even tear up the fabric around his wrists. There was no need for that now, he could let Rin have his fun for now.

Rin smiled to himself after blindfolding his lover. He had thought about this from the very start of their foreplay on the couch. He really wanted Haruka to fuck the living shit out of him, but there was the issue about his thighs. This was a great way to solve the problem. If Haruka couldn't see or feel the cuts and scars, he could have sex with him without any trouble of being found out.

Satisfied with his brilliant plan, the redhead dropped his pants and underwear and moved onto the bed to do the same to the panting raven-haired teen. After throwing the remaining clothes on the floor, Rin moved up to lick Harukas neck and shoulders, making the other teen shiver and groan lowly.

"Kiss me," Haruka panted, turning his head towards the redhead. Rin leaned up and kissed him shortly, before attacking his upper-body again. He nibbled on the soft skin of the nibble, making the pink knob harden. The low noises escaping his lovers mouth, made Rin even hornier if possible, and he moved down quickly, tracing a few kisses along the way, until his head was placed between Harukas legs. Grabbing onto the well-known dick, the redhead started stroking it slowly, making the teen under him jerk his hips up and hissing sharply. Rin took it as an invitation, and started licking up and down the underside of the cock. The sounds coming from his lover was like music to his ears, and he loved how he could make the otherwise calm and collected teenager squirm.

"Rin, for fucks sake - just let me fuck you already!" Haruka growled under his panting breath, thrusting his dick into the redheads hand.

"Do you really want to fuck me?" Rin purred, closing his lips around Harukas dick before he could answer. He started licking and sucking, making sure every single inch of the body-part was covered in saliva.

"Yes - _oh fuck_ - yes!" Haruka moaned, pulling at the tie around his wrists, making the bed squeak under them.

With a smirk, Rin moved his head from the raven-haireds dick, licking the underside one last time, before straddling him again, grinding his ass against his lovers length. Judging by Harukas pinkish cheeks, open mouth and panting breath, he was just about to loose it if the redhead kept on teasing him. He was growing quite impatient himself, but it was just so much fun torturing the raven-haired teen. Looking down on the beautiful toned body under him, he just couldn't take it any more, and he started licking a couple of fingers, moving them to his backside to prepare himself, while still grinding their dick against each other.

Noticing the panting sounds escaping the redheads lips as he prepared himself, Haruka began to feel the need to watch Rin fingering himself. It would be fun to play 'bound and gagged' another time, but this _was_ their first time together and he wanted every single piece of his lover. He wanted to touch him everywhere, to hear all the sounds from him against his ear, to taste his sweat and skin. He wanted to feel the sent of their love-making in his nose and make sure the sent stayed in the sheets for as long as possible, and he wanted to _see_ him. He wanted to look at the redhead while panting, while enjoying, while coming.

Feeling Rin finally grabbing onto his dick again and holding onto it while getting up on his knees, ready to lower himself over it, Haruka used all his strength to tear the tie apart, making him able to use his hands again. Rin froze, his eyes widening as he scanned his brain for an escape route, still holding onto his lovers dick. In one swift movement, Haruka grabbed onto Rins left thigh and pulled the other tie away from his face.

He looked at Rin frightened face, before noticing the strange feeling under his right hand. He looked down at the redheads thighs, breathing in sharply at the sight that met him; long white scars along the length of the left thigh, making the skin uneven, and long swollen wounds surrounded by pink irritated skin on the right thigh.

Rin didn't even dare to breath, wishing this was all just a dream, scanning his brain to find an excuse to why his thighs looked like they did, but without luck.

Haruka covered his mouth with his hand, as he took a deep breath, trying to process what he saw, while his dick went completely soft in his lovers shaking hand.

* * *

A/N: Oh-oh, what now?

Sorry guys, I had to end it here. The chapter was getting a bit long (yay), and I love cliffhangers. Also, at first I had planned for Haruka to break free in the middle of their sexy-time, but then I though it would be a pretty bad first time for them, so I decided to stop it just before they started. So let me just apologize for ruining this 'beautiful' moment. Sadly, I can't promise I'll put more smut in lately, since I haven't really decided what's gonna happen from now on.

I hope you enjoyed it. Please let me know what you think, nothing makes me more happy that a review. Love and kisses to everyone who have reviewed so far!


	12. Chapter 12

Rin pulled a blanket over his body, as if he could take back the sight that had met Haruka when he removed the tie from his eyes. He crawled backwards till his back hit the foot-end of the bed, panic painted all over his face as he looked at the raven-haired teen who still hid his mouth behind his hand in shock.

"Fuck... Rin..." Haruka finally managed to get out behind the hand, as his eyes widened a bit.

"I should go," Rin whispered as he got up and wrapped the blanket closer around his body. His voice was husky and he was shaking. A single tear fell from his eye as he reached down to grab his pants and underwear, and went for the door.

"No!" Haruka yelled, finally able to react. He grabbed Rins wrist and pulled him back with all his strength. The redhead landed on the raven-haireds lap, where the latter wrapped his arms around him before he could make a move.

"Let me go!" Rin yelled as he tried to push himself away from the other teen.

"No," Haruka said, pulling the redhead closer.

"Stop it, let go!" Rin yelled louder, tears starting to form in his eyes and a desperate tone in his voice.

"No!" Haruka yelled back, "Stop fighting, I told you I love you!"

Rin stopped for a moment, looking down at the raven-haired under him, and with a husky breath the tears started falling.

"But... But you saw..." he whispered.

Haruka flipped them around on the bed, pinning Rin to the mattress and lying on top of him to make sure the redhead didn't run off again.

"You have to stop pushing me away! I... I wont say that I don't care about it, but I still love you. I fucking love you, Rin, why wont you trust me?"

"It's not you, I just don't trust people!" Rin yelled back, trying to push Haruka away.

"Why? What happened to you?" Haruka grabbed Rins wrists and stopped him from pushing. "What happened in Australia? You've changed."

"Yes, I've changed! Pain does that to people!" Rin shouted angrily, sending the raven-haired teenager a furious glare through the tears.

"Then tell me about it!"

"Why should I?"

"Because I fucking love you!" Haruka yelled again, still holding down the other teen, "I don't want you to keep secrets, I want you to trust me! I love you so much and I just want to listen and be there for you, I want to help you and I want you to be _mine!_"

Watching Rins features soften by his words, Haruka moved down and placed a soft questionable kiss on the redheads lips. Rin started sobbing against the kiss, but did his best to kiss back.

"I was so fucking lonely in Australia. I just didn't fit in and I got bullied every fucking day and... it was so horrible. I missed you guys every single day and I just wanted to go home, but I didn't want to disappoint my family and - I had to keep following my dream, I just had to! And I was so alone and then I got Sailor but... It's not really the same as having friends." Haruka wiped the tears from Rins face while he spoke, listening closely. Rin looked anywhere but at Haruka. He was afraid he wouldn't have to courage to speak if he thought to much about who he spoke to. "I... I started doing... _that_ and I just can't stop now. It's been going on for so many years and it's like an addiction. And I hate myself! Just look at how fucking ugly my thighs are now, and it just gets worse every time. I'll never be able to show them in public again. And... I tried to kill myself once -" he showed the raven-haired his wrists, "- but I got fucking scared and called the emergency-service. I couldn't even do that right..."

Wresting his hand away from the others loosening grip, the redhead covered his face and started crying inaudibly.

"I'm _so _glad you called the emergency-service back then," Haruka whispered, as he slowly removed Rins hands from his face, "You'll never be lonely again, I promise you. I love you, I can't tell you enough times how much I love you. Thank you for trusting me."

He placed soft kissed all over Rins face, catching his tears with his lips and finally pressing their lips against each other. Rin deepened the kiss with hungry lips and pulled Haruka closer. Haruka was the one to pull away, as he locked eyes with the still crying redhead.

"I would never scold you for doing that to yourself, but you are not alone any more. Next time you feel like hurting yourself like that, please let me know. Just text me or call me, and I promise I'll come right away. Can you do that?" Haruka held the eye-contact, knowing that Rin wouldn't be able to lie to him like that.

"I'll try... I'll do my best," Rin answered after taking a moment to think. That was the best he could do, knowing how the dark monster took over his body from time to time.

Haruka kissed him again, accepting the answer.

"May I take a closer look?" Haruka asked, nodding at Rins thighs.

"I-I, eh... I guess so," Rin stuttered, not entirely comfortable with his lover looking at his scars. It was bad enough he had discovered his secret, even though it felt good to finally tell someone about it.

Haruka moved lower down Rins still naked body and looked at the scars on the left thigh and then the wounds on the right. Rin looked down at him a bit too tired from all the crying to really make up his mind about how he felt about the raven-haired looking at his scars up close.

Haruka lifted the redheads left leg a bit and let his fingers ghost over the scars, feeling every little unevenness on the soft skin.

Rin closed his eyes and let his head hit the pillow. It felt weird to feel another persons fingers on his thighs. No one had ever touched his scars before and most of the time he had only felt razors across the skin.

Haruka started trailing soft kisses up and down the thigh, letting his lips caress every single scar he could find, as if he hoped they'd disappear under his gentle touch. He heard a loud sigh escape the redheads lips and looked up, muffling a giggle at the sight that met him. Rin blushed, looking down at him again.

"What? I'm sorry, but what did you expect when you started kissing me there?" he said and looked away, a bit ashamed about his body's reaction.

Haruka looked at his lovers hard-on in front of him and smiled.

"I'm sorry I laughed, please don't be mad at me," he giggled, reaching out and grabbing the redheads twitching dick.

Rin breathed in sharply by the sudden touch and let a low moan escape as Haruka let his tongue trail up the underside of his cock. He started licking the tip as a bit of pre-cum was released and he licked up every drop. Rin grabbed onto his hair, blushing even further and wasn't sure if he wanted the raven-haired teenager to continue or not. It felt really good and he was getting a bit aroused, but he wasn't sure if the timing was right.

"H-Haru..." Rin moaned lowly, tightening his grip on the black locks.

"You want me to stop?" Haruka asked before closing his lips around the tip and stoking his balls gently.

"I don't know - _haah_ - no! No, don't stop!" the redhead panted and arched his back against the mattress as his lover look him in as deep as he could.

Haruka pressed his tongue against the underside of the redheads dick, while slowly starting to bob his head up and down, sucking and swallowing around the tip. Rin started shaking under him as his he panted harder and every muscle in his body tightened.

"Ahh - stop - Haru," he moaned, pulling the raven-haired away from his dick. Haruka looked up at Rins red cheeks and glassy eyes. The latter pulled him up above him and kissed him passionately while wrapping his legs around his hips again. He could feel that Haruka was hard as well and started grinding his hips against the others. Haruka moaned against the kiss, giving Rin a chance to let his tongue slip in between his lovers parted lips. The raven-haired teen let his lips part further and pressed his tongue against the redheads, battling for dominance.

Rin reached down and grabbed Harukas dick. He started to stroke it and Haruka moaned again while grabbing a handful of red hair and pulling back, making Rin expose the soft skin on his neck. He found the love-bite from earlier and started licking it gently, making Rins grip on his dick tighten as he moaned softly.

Haruka let his warm breath ghost over the sensitive skin before biting down and making a new love-bite right under the other. This resulted in a high-pitch moan from his lover and he started stroking harder and faster. The redhead pulled the other teens head away by the hair, and smashed their lips together again, while pulling Harukas lower body closer to his own with the strength of his legs. Still holding onto his lovers swollen cock, he placed the tip against his entrance.

"Wait," Haruka panted, separating his lips from the others lips, looking down at him with heavy and glassy eyes, "Are you sure you want this?"

"I want this! I need this!" Rin panted, and wrapped both of his arms around his lover, not letting him escape.

Haruka bit his lip and pushed the tip of his dick inside the other teen, making Rin grit his teeth. The raven-haired had to hold him self back from thrusting, knowing it would hurt the redhead and that was the last thing he wanted right now. He started kissing his lovers neck and collarbone. As Rin started to relax and pant again, Haruka looked up at him, and let his lips brush over the love-bites again.

"_Ahh -_ move, please move!" Rin moaned, lifting his ass off of the mattress to give the raven-haired a better angle. The look on Rins face and the sounds he made, made Haruka want to just thrust in as hard as he could, and he pressed his head against the redheads shoulder to concentrate on moving slowly and not getting caught by the mood. The display under him was so erotic and turned him on so much, he just wanted to fuck his brain out and make Rin forget about everything.

He started to move slowly, pressing his dick deeper into his lover. Rin whimpered under him, until Haruka was completely inside and started to kiss the redhead again to make him relax and forget about the pain. Rins body was stiff under him and he held his breath, trying not to move. Haruka started whispering against his ear while kissing his earlobe and neck, telling him to relax and promising him not to move until he was ready.

Rin started to relax after a moment and took deep breaths to calm himself down. As Haruka licked his love-bites again, Rin moaned softly and arched his back, making the tip of Harukas cock brush over his prostate. The soft moan turned into a pleasure-filled loud one, as the redhead threw his head back against the pillow and relaxed his entire body.

"Move, oh please do that again, please, _please!_" Rin panted. Haruka slowly pulled back, still licking the love-bite, making Rin squirm under him. The redhead lifted his ass even further off of the mattress and Haruka moved his hand to Rins backside to support him as he thrusted back inside, hitting the spot once again. Rin moaned and tightened his grip with his legs around the raven-haireds hips, pressing him deeper inside.

Haruka smirked as Rin completely lost all boundaries, panting harder and begging for Haruka to move again. He pulled out slowly again and thrusted back in, making Rin moan once again. The raven-haired teenager removed his lovers legs from his hips, making the redhead whine under him, and threw the soft and scared thighs over his shoulder, leaning down to try out his lovers flexibility. Rin captured his lips, letting their tongues dance against each other, begging for more.

Haruka started thrusting slowly but picked up his pace quickly as the other teenager begged between his moans.

"_Ahh - _Haru - fuck - _haah _- please, harder!"

Haruka bit his lips, starting to feel his lower stomach tightening by Rins erotic sounds and the horny and pleading look in his eyes. He pulled Rins head back again and sucked on the love-bites and he thrusted harder, hitting the redheads sweet spot over and over again. Rin moaned loudly and dug his nails into the raven-haireds back. The sharp pleasure-filled pain on his back, as Rin drew blood, made Haruka groan lowly and bit down on the soft skin on the neck before him. He sucked hard and bit harder, tasting blood from the swollen bruise between his teeth. Rin moaned and tightened around the raven-haireds dick.

"_Ahh! Harder, faster!" _Rin yelled, his voice almost unrecognizable from his arousal.

Haruka bit onto his lovers jaw and thrusted as hard and fast as he could, holding his breath to push himself further. One loud moan after another left Rins lips, profanities and his lovers name filled the room as he came closer to release.

"Haru - _haah! -_ I fucking - _ahh! - _love you!"

Feeling himself getting way to close to release, Haruka bit onto the love-bites again to push Rin over the edge before he finished himself. The effort was quite effective, and Rin came hard with a loud high-pitch moan, as he dug his nails into his lovers back again and shot his release all over his own abdomen and chest. Haruka followed him after a few more thrusts, painting his lovers insides with his sperm. He kept thrusting to ride the orgasm out as Rin kept whining under him, way too sensitive to take any more.

Haruka pulled out and fell flat on top on the redhead, both panting hard as their sweat and Rins load god mixed between them.

"Fuck..." Haruka panted. He couldn't remember ever having a more intense orgasm, and he really hoped it had been at least just as good for Rin. Judging by the sounds though, it had been good for him as well.

"Yeah, fuck..." Rin sighed, his head completely empty.

Haruka moved to rest his weight on his elbows and looked down at the teenager under him with a relaxed and blissful expression on his face. He kissed the slightly parted lips, and Rin returned the kiss.

"I really love you," Haruka whispered lowly and held his lover close, never wanting to let go.

* * *

A/N: Awww, how about that? I think it was quite adorable! Let's just hope they stay like this and don't fight anymore (I wonder ... heeheehee...)

Let me know what you think, reviews just makes my day ^^ And I need Sailor back in the next chapter, I kinda miss him.

To my sweet friend, Silver; GOT YA ! (I told her Rin and Haru would break up in this chapter, and Rin would walk back to the dorm just in time to see Sailor get run over by a car and die, making Rin want to take his own life and succeed this time, while Haru and Makoto would hook up. I'm such a good friend...)

And to the sweet reviewers; Thank you! To those who comment on this story being written from own experiences; Thank you again. It's a bit weird to be that honest about it, but I really think every single person who harms themselves, deserves so much love and support, and everyone who manages to stop again deserves a fucking medal. It's terrible that some people need to go that far to be able to cope with their lives.

I'm slowly starting to wrap this story up. I'm writing a SnK fanfiction along this one, and right now I just feel more like working on that, but I promise I'll keep putting just as much effort into this one until it's finished.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	13. Chapter 13

"Just go talk to your captain," Haruka said the next morning, as the two teenagers was standing in front of the raven-haired's house, about to say goodbye before going to school. "I'm sure he'll cut you some slack if you tell him you're injured. Hopefully, you're good to go next week." He smiled at the redhead in front of him, who still looked both tired and happy after their night together.

"Yeah, okay," Rin said, shrugging and smiling at the raven-haired, "I'll try." Just by Haruka saying it, it suddenly felt much more affordable to talk to Mikoshiba. Haruka's optimism had slowly started to affect him, and he had begun to feel a bit better.

Haruka leaned in and kissed him softly, making the redhead let out a deep sigh and his legs felt like pudding. The redhead wrapped his arms around his lover, and deepened the kiss by letting his tongue touch the other teens bottom-lip.

"I can't go when you do that," Haruka whispered against his lips.

"I don't want you to go," Rin whispered back, nuzzling his nose against Haruka's.

"I have to, I'll be late for school," Haruka bit his lip, and pulled away, "And so will you."

"I don't care, I just wanna stay here with you."

God damn it, why did he have to be so adorable? Fucking Rin and his gorgeous smile, which finally seemed true and honest, making him even more beautiful. Haruka pulled him close again and hugged him tightly, before pulling away.

"Graah, I have to go now," the raven-haired teenager growled, forcing himself to move away from the redhead, "I'll see you later, I promise!"

Rin winked at him and waved, turning his back to the raven-haired teen and walking away. He knew he was late for school, but it didn't matter. For the first time in a very long time, he actually felt motivated to do something right.

* * *

On Friday, Rin decided to pay Haruka back. The blue-eyed teen had picked him up after school the last couple of days, and they had taken long walks at the beach together. Rin had finally managed to open up to Haruka, who in return had paid him his full attention.

The redhead was in his room, alone with his precious cat. He had felt bad about letting Nitori take care of Sailor so much lately, but the cat didn't act any different; he never left Rins side, as soon as the redhead was home, and the cat kept on comforting him and cuddling up with him.

Sailor was purring in his sleep, as he laid on top of Rin's stomach, while the latter searched his brain for a way to pay back Haruka. He still had trouble believing that Haruka did so much for him, only because he cared about him, and even though it made him feel selfish, he really wanted to do something to keep Haruka that close. Of course he still didn't felt like he was good enough for the raven-haired teen, but maybe he could do something to just pay him back a little - just a little. He would never be as good a person as Haruka, but everything he could do, he would do.

Rin looked down at the happy cat on top of him, and felt a pinch of guilt. He really didn't want to make Sailor feel abandoned, but at the same time he just really wanted to spend time with his lover. How was he supposed to take care of both things at the same time?

"Sempai!" Nitori beamed as soon as he laid eyes on Rin after walking into the room, with his bag over his shoulder, "How are you today?"

"I'm fine," Rin mumbled, before forcing himself to be a little civilised towards the younger teen, "H-how about you?"

Nitori stopped and looked at bit puzzled at Rin's awkward expression, before answering that he was absolutely fine.

"Are you going to spend the weekend at Nanase-sempai's place again?" Nitori asked and dumped his bag by his desk before dumping down on the chair next to it.

"I haven't really decided yet," Rin answered, still feeling bad about leaving his cat alone so much.

"It's just that... I was planning on going back to my parents this weekend, but if you're going to be out, I can go back to feed him every evening," Nitori offered.

"No, you don't have to - I mean, I'll figure something out if I decide to go," Rin said, "but thanks," he added, reminding himself to not be completely hostile towards others.

"Oh, okay," Nitori smiled, and got up to pack a bag for the weekend, "but just let me know if you change your mind."

"Oi, Nitori," Rin mumbled a couple of moments later, as he suddenly had an idea, "Would it be okay if Haruka spend the weekend here in stead?"

"Y-you're asking me?" Nitori stumbled, looking down at the older teen from his bed, as he had tried to fit his pillow into the way too small bag.

"It's your room too, isn't it?"

"Yeah - but, of course! I don't mind!" Nitori's face disappeared again, but a couple of seconds later, it appeared again at the top of Rin's bed. "But, ehh... Please don't... you know -"

"Shut up!" Rin hissed, not wanting to let the grey-haired teen finish that sentence off, "I don't know what you're talking about, but I wouldn't touch your bed with a stick, even if I got paid."

Despite the hard tone, Nitori smiled at him, apparently satisfied with the answer, and he went back to his mission impossible, while Rin turned to face the wall, making Sailor fall onto the mattress with a loud displeased meow.

Rin pulled out his phone and texted Haruka, asking him if he wanted to come by the dorm and hang out later.

_Of course! When do you want me to come over?_

Rin felt a smile tug at the corners of his mouth, but he was still annoyed by Nitori's allusions. It wasn't like they were a couple or anything, so Nitori had no reason to interfere at all. Like he would even do anything in that shorty's bed anyway. And maybe Haruka didn't even want to do anything! They hadn't done anything since the last time at Haruka's house, and - to be honest - Rin really felt like fooling around with the other teen. And that would be a good way to pay him back, wouldn't it?

Rin asked Nitori when he would be going, and the grey-haired answered that he was almost done packing and his mother would come to pick him up in a few minutes. Rin stroke Sailor's soft coat before texting Haruka back, telling him to come whenever he wanted.

Rin was still laying on the bed after his room-mate left the room. Sailor had woken up again and looked at his owner who starred into the bottom of Nitori's bed, lost in thoughts. He felt a bit uneasy for some reason, and he couldn't quite figure out why. Slowly petting Sailor, he tried to focus on how he would pay his lover back for all his support. A surprise attack maybe? They would have all night alone, and if it were up to Rin, they would have all weekend together. That would give them plenty of time to fool around - if Haruka felt as needy as Rin did right now.

He looked at his phone again. Haruka hadn't texted him back yet, so he probably wasn't on his way there yet. He could go to the bathroom and handle himself, he did have time for that... But it would be more fun to do it with the raven-haired teen.

Rin lifted Sailor off his chest, and placed him on the mattress next to him, as he turned in bed, facing the pet. Sailor closed his eyes and purred as Rin began stroking him again.

It would definitely be so much more fun to wait for Haruka.

* * *

A/N: I'm sorry for the late update, I kinda lost myself in another fanfic and I'm having trouble figuring out where I want this story to go now. There will probably be a couple of chapters without that much action (like this one) but I'll do my very best too keep it from being boring. I'm really trying to make this as realistic as possible, so yeah...

Thanks for reading!


	14. Chapter 14

"Rin - nhh - wait," Haruka panted and tried to make his lover stop kissing and biting his neck.

The raven-haired teen had barely made it through the door to Rin's room, before the redhead was all over him. He had slammed him against the door, invaded his mouth with his warm tongue and was now attacking his neck while touching his toned chest under his loose shirt.

"Why?" Rin whispered against his ear, making Haruka shiver from the low tone.

"B-because - shit - I want to talk to you," Haruka panted and grabbed Rin by the shoulders.

"About what?" Rin asked, pulling back to look at his lover.

"Just talk," Haruka shrugged, looking at the other teen, "About your day and stuff."

"Can't that wait?" Rin asked and attacked the sensitive skin again, not letting Haruka answer.

"Can't _that_ wait?" Haruka asked, pulling Rin away from his neck. The redhead looked at him with a puzzled expression. "I'd really like to talk to you, Rin. I've missed you."

Rin looked at him, weighing his options. He had thought about his way of showing Haruka how grateful he was for what he did for him, and he had felt kind of horny ever since Nitori left, almost an hour ago. But if Haruka didn't want him, he wouldn't force himself on him...

"I've missed you too," Rin said, trying to push the rejection to the back of his mind.

Haruka smiled and pulled him closer again, holding him tight for a few moments. Rin rested his head against the other teen's shoulder, feeling his chlorine-filled smell tickle his nose.

"So how was your day?" Haruka asked, and pulled Rin towards his bed, nuzzling Sailor before sitting down on the mattress.

"Okay, I guess," Rin answered, scratching his neck. He was still kind of turned on, but Haruka didn't seem to feel the same way.

"Where's Nitori?" the raven-haired asked, looking around in the room, as if the grey-haired teen would suddenly appear out of nowhere by the mentioning of his name.

"He went to visit his parents," Rin answered, suddenly remembering his room-mates request about not having sex in his bed. He still felt a bit annoyed about Nitori's comment; as if he would do that kind of stuff in a friends bed, really. And apparently his lover didn't want to have sex at all.

"Then you don't mind if I spend the night here?" Haruka asked, offering the redhead a kind smile as he moved a bit closer to him and took his hand in his own.

Rin looked down at the long fingers filling the space between his own, and blushed a bit.

"Not at all," he answered, looking down at his feet.

Sailor jumped onto his lap, looking up at his owner and demanding attention. Rin began petting him with his free hand, and the cat laid down on his thighs, purring. Haruka nuzzled him behind his ear, and Sailor closed his eyes, looking quite satisfied.

"How are your legs?" Haruka then asked, not daring to look at Rin. He knew it was still a sensitive subject to the other teen, but he was worried about him, and would probably be until he was absolutely sure he had stopped his abuse.

"Better," Rin answered, still looking down at the cat on his lap. Why was he in a bad mood suddenly?

Haruka could sense his change of mood, and pulled him closer. He let go of the hand and wrapped his arms around the other teenager, leaning back so they both let their backs hit the mattress. Sailor looked at them by the sudden movement, but didn't care to move.

"What was that for?" Rin asked puzzled, and looked up at his lover, who still had his arms wrapped around him.

"I just felt like being close to you," Haruka whispered against his ear and placed a soft kiss on his cheek.

Rin blushed slightly and turned to his side, facing Haruka. Sailor moved to find a peaceful spot on the bed, and Haruka pulled his lover even closer. Rin forgot about his bad mood as soon as Haruka let his lips touch the redhead's slightly parted ones. They both sighed deeply and Rin moved his hand to nuzzle Haruka's straight black locks.

This was why he wanted to pay Haruka back and show him how much he appreciated his effort; he completely forgot about his moody state of mind, and somehow it didn't matter anymore. Haruka made him so happy and made his stomach feel like it was filled with butterflies. How would he ever be able to return what the raven-haired gave him?

"I love you, Haru," Rin whispered against the other teen's lips.

"I love you too, Rin," Haruka whispered back and leaned in over Rin, hovering over him, as he smashed his lips against his lover's again. Rin took the opportunity to wrap his arms tight around the other's back and pull him a bit closer. Haruka smirked against the kiss, letting Rin's tongue slip inside his mouth once again, but this time the raven-haired dominated the kiss.

Feeling the arousal get to him again, Rin sighed but didn't want to make another move. If Haruka didn't want him right now, he really wouldn't force it on him. But then he felt a warm palm slip under his shirt and touch his abdomen. He hissed as the hand sled over his torso, fingers ghosting over his chest and then a thumb began rubbing his nipple.

"H-Haru, I thought you didn't -" Rin panted, wishing he had just taken care of himself before Haruka came to his room.

"Schh," Haruka said and stopped Rin from saying more as he kissed him again.

Rin gasped against the kiss as Haruka let his hand move back down to the edge of his shirt - and a bit further. He let his hand slip under Rin's pants and boxers, rubbing his palm against his semi-hard dick and his balls.

Rin made a move to dig his hands into Haruka's pants as well, but Haruka pulled back from the kiss to grab Rin's hands with his own free hand.

"What about you?" Rin asked as Haruka pinned his hands above his head and leaned down to track soft kisses all the way up his neck.

"What about me?" he asked and bit the redhead's shoulder gently.

"Nhh - what about _you?_"

"Just let me do this, Rin."

Rin closed his eyes as Haruka began rubbing him again. He was panting a bit down, and the raven-haired teenager leaned in to kiss him again, letting the redhead play hungrily with his tongue. Haruka took a firm grip on Rin's now hard dick and slowly behan stroking it. Rin let a muffled moan escape his throat, as the slow pace sent shivers down his spine.

"I didn't knew you missed me that much," Haruka teased with a low voice, nibbling on Rin's bottom lip.

The redhead had closed his eyes, as his mind went completely empty. All he could think about was Haruka, all he could feel was Haruka.

"You have to take care of yourself sometimes, Rin," Haruka whispered and licked his neck as he began stroking him faster.

"Hnn - it's better when you do it," Rin panted, shutting his eyes tighter as the heat pooled in his stomach embarrassingly fast.

"Then you should just think about me when you do it yourself," Haruka kept whispering against his ear, letting his tongue flicker over the redhead's earlobe.

"I-I do," Rin panted, while squirming under the other teen.

"What do you think about, then?"

Rin had trouble understanding what Haruka said. His head had stopped working properly as Haruka picked up his pace, stroking him faster and harder now. And his voice made his body tremble as the dark tone went directly to his crotch.

"Tell me," Haruka whispered as Rin didn't answer. Be bit down on his neck to get the redhead to answer him, but it only turned Rin more on. He was panting harder now, but he really needed Haruka to keep whispering against his ear. Oh god, he was close now.

"I think about - ahh - when you..."

"Yes?" Haruka whispered, nibbling on the earlobe and giving Rin's dick an aggressive stroke, making his lover let out a moan.

"W-when you - haah - fuck me," Rin moaned, feeling Haruka's soft hand push him closer to the edge by every stroke.

"I should do that again soon, then," Haruka growled against his neck, and bit down on the sensitive spot between Rin's neck and shoulder, earning him a loud moan as Rin's body began trembling violently, and Haruka knew he was almost there. He began licking the swollen love-bite and Rin moaned out again. The redhead opened his eyes to look into Haruka's deep blue ones. Rin's eyes were cloudy and half-lidded, and he smashed his lips against his lovers as he came with a loud gasp, soiling both his boxers and Haruka's hand. His body went lips as he let his head fall back against the mattress, panting hard.

"Feeling better?" Haruka asked and placed a soft kiss on his neck.

"I feel dirty," Rin answered, feeling his sticky underwear against his skin.

"Maybe you should take a shower then?" Haruka offered, and got up to find something to wipe his hand in. Rin looked after him and after a moment he got up as well. He pulled off his t-shirt and threw it away.

"Maybe you should join me then," he smirked at the other teen and sent him a teasing look as he walked towards the bathroom, letting his pants slide down slowly.

Haruka didn't need to hear that twice, and followed the redhead to the bathroom, making sure to lock it firmly, should Nitori return.

* * *

A/N: I'm really doing my best to come up with a good plot for further chapters, so until then - have some smut and fluff! I really hope you don't mind. I just think Rin needs to have a little fun, now that's he had finally opened up to Haruka. Enjoy it while it lasts *evil laughter*

Thank you for reading and for the reviews. I hope you enjoyed the chapter!


End file.
