Big Time Rush One Day At A Time

**A/N This story is written for someone, and she knows who she is. I must warn you guys here that this isn't the typical story that I usually write and I personally haven't gone through this stuff myself (except depression), so it might not be accurate, but I did try my best. On that note, if ANYONE EVER needs to talk, to get something off of their chest without being made fun of/judged/what have you, I am right here. I don't work or attend school, I have a good amount of free time on my hands people and would love to help anyone out if I could. So don't be shy or be ashamed, everyone deals with life in their own way, whether it's sex, drugs, alcohol, cutting, or what have you. And please don't anyone ever feel like you're not normal or no one understands what you're going through. There is no such thing as 'normal' and a lot of people don't realized that they're not alone. Also, I care about each and every one of you who read my stories, or follow me on twitter or tumblr. Some us don't talk, but don't let that hold you back. I'd rather someone come talk to me when things aren't going so well than to hear that someone committed suicide or know that they're holing themselves up alone and suffering. So just keep that in mind, my 'door' PM box, DM, fanmail on tumblr, askbox, submit, are ALWAYS open.**

I gasp when the door to my dorm room suddenly opens without a knock, and do my best to cover myself with my shirt considering I had only taken it off mere seconds ago. My eyes meet with my roommate, Kendall, who happens to be a guy because someone mixed up his sex and we ended being roomies for this year. Since we're co-ed, we have a system of knocking before entering the room to avoid any awkward moments such as this, but it seems as if he may have forgotten this.

"Oh my gosh", he turns away quickly. "I'm sorry. I forgot my guitar. Can't have a jam session without it", he comments and I waste no time in putting my shirt back on, pulling the sleeves all the way down to my hands, curling my fingers around the edge to keep them in place.

"It's cool. I'm good now", I slide my hand under the back of my hair and pull my long locks out from the shirt as Kendall turns back to me with a frown on his face. It's not like a guy's never seen me without my shirt on before.

"Mara", he takes a step toward me. "Why do you do that?"

For some reason the look in his eyes alarms me, even though I know he'd never hurt a fly, and I back up to my bed, sitting down when the back of my thighs collide with the mattress. "Do what?", I question him, praying that he didn't see what I keep hidden.

"You know what I'm talking about", his voice is accusing and he takes a few steps closer, sending my heart into my throat.

I tear my gaze away from Kendall, as I've never been any good at lying. "Umm, I don't", I pull my legs up to my chest and wrap my arms around my knees nervously.

"Mar", I feel the mattress dip next to me and without looking I know Kendall is now sitting. He speaks my name so softly as he takes my hand in his grasp, removing it from the safety of my body and pulling the sleeve up to my elbow, making me blush furiously, and causing tears to well up in my eyes. "Why do you cut?"

I already know what he sees; my arms are littered with scars from where I've cut myself with razors, which I've been doing for a few years now. When things get too much, I dig the blade into my flesh and drag it, relishing the searing pain that is quickly followed by crimson blood that trickles out, mirroring the rush of negative, pushed down feelings making their escape from somewhere deep down inside of me. I can't explain it, it just makes me feel better.

His thumb traces the freshest one, close to my elbow which is still extremely red and trying to heal from last night's release. I don't know what compels me to blurt out the truth, but I do. Staring straight into Kendall's green eyes, I let it all out. "I'm not like you, Kendall. Everything in life doesn't come easy to me like it does to you. You're Mr. Popular on campus, you can get any girl you want. Well I...", I pause long enough the wipe the solitary tear that leaked onto my cheek. "I'm psychotic, I deal with depression, and might be bipolar. I'm just a fucked up person."

My voice raises and I scoot all the way against the wall, trying to get away from his intense gaze. "My family doesn't support what I do. I've tried to kill myself several times. I've almost been raped twice. I'm not normal, I'm totally fucking screwed up. Live a day in my head and you'll understand why I do what I do."

I break out into sobs, hiding my face in my hands, ashamed of what I've just revealed to my roommate, my crush.

I feel him get up and hear his footsteps as he paces back and forth across the floor. Just like everyone else, I've managed to drive him away. Now he sees me for the freak that I am, and I'll just be another nobody he ignores and walks right past across campus without a second look. Things will be awkward, he'll probably ask for a new room. I see him running his fingers through his short dirty blonde locks as I reach over to my desk to grab my ipod, but he has other plans as he snatches it away, throwing it over onto his bed. I close my eyes, bracing myself for the insults that I'm sure are about to fly from his mouth; how I'm weak and stupid. I'll never amount to anything, that I'm just a waste of space and time on this earth.

I cover my head with my arms when he climbs onto the bed, fear coursing through me that he'll hit me or something even though he's never done anything of the like before, but with a gentle touch, Kendall takes my arms and holds my hands in his. "Look at me M. I'm not gonna hurt you", he says.

I take my time opening my eyes, looking at my trembling hands encompassed in his. "I was raised by my dad who beat me every single day of my life after my mother was arrested for prostitution, drug charges, and finally locked away for good when I was seven for murder. I was the kid who got made fun of everyday in school because everyone knew that my mom was a bad person. I went to school with welts, bruises, and a busted up face. I was molested by someone in my family who I was supposed to be able to trust when I was nine. It happened for several months."

The blonde jumps up off the bed and rushes over to his dresser, opening the top drawer and taking out a prescription bottle. "I take prozac everyday because I am prone to depression myself." He drops it back inside the drawer and closes it, then without any hesitation, he unbuttons and unzips his jeans, stepping out of it and then returning to my bed, coming up onto his knees. I watch in curiosity and shock as he lifts the hem of one side of his boxers up his thigh, revealing several straight lined scars marring his skin. "I used to cut. I've been there and done that."

All I can do is shake my head and stare in horror at the man sitting in front of me who has never shown a weak side, whom I never thought lived anything but the most perfect of lives. Kendall has always maintained positivity, I never in a million years would have thought that he could have been through anything as terrifying as I have. But he understands. Sympathetically, I slowly extend the tip of my index finger out and trace each of his scars, tears running down my face. Kendall doesn't flinch, he just tips my face up to his.

"I...I never knew", I utter in amazement.

"I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I've grown from everything. I've learned how to take control of myself, my life. Everytime you cut or let those bad people from the past get to you, you're allowing them to have power over you. I've taken a different approach. If I feel myself sinking into that hole, I get up and go outside. I take a walk or hang out with friends. Or I play my guitar. You're better than this", he grabs my arm and pushes the sleeve up again, pressing a kiss to each of the scars. "You're beautiful. You're fun. You're hilarious. I love being around you."

Before I can respond, his lips come down on mine and pent up emotions come bubbling to the surface, my passion makes itself known. The kiss goes from soft and slow, to hard and rough, until I'm laying on my back with Kendall's mouth making it's way down my neck, his hand making a path up my torso while my fingers tug at his hair. But then it stops just as suddenly as it began, with Kendall pulling away, licking his lips. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I'm not the kind of guy to take advantage of-"

"No", I sit up, cutting him off. "I wanted you to", I confess, tilting my head to the side and biting down onto my bottom lip apprehensively. "I-I don't want you to stop", I add.

Within seconds, Kendall's lips are on mine again with me squirming underneath of him, exploring his body with my hands. His tongue circles mine, and then he sucks on my tongue before relocating his mouth on my lower abdomen, his lips playing around my belly button, teasing it with quick flicks from his tongue, and then kisses are trailed up to my bra covered breasts. I lift myself effortlessly to shed my shirt, and cry out shamelessly when the tip of his tongue swirls around each nipple. That action is followed by him sucking the hardened buds into his mouth while I arch my back, trying to get more of the delicious sensations that are slowly taking over my whole body. "Kendall", I call out and frantically tug at his face when his teeth clamp down, needing his touch somewhere more urgent.

Taking his cue, he lifts himself from me and takes his shirt off, then tucks his fingers into the waistband of my basketball shorts and pulls them down to my ankles, and I easily kick them off, feeling a spark of electricity shoot straight to my core at the expression in his eyes as he looks over my almost naked body. "You're gorgeous", the huskiness of his voice gives him away, letting on that he's not as calm as he's portraying.

"Touch me. Do something", I plead, feeling like I'm about to burst into flames at any minute if I don't find the release I'm so desperately seeking.

"Ahhh fuuuck", I cry as he showers kisses up one leg, and then the other, the heat of his mouth edging dangerously close to my center. He mouths me over my panties, then lifts my legs over his shoulders, nudging the fabric to the side and dragging his tongue along my folds, making my fingers tangle in the sheets. Up and down, his tongue works it's way working deeper into me, finding my clit. Kendall works me up until my legs are quivering and I'm writhing around, then his tongue relocates itself to my entrance, dipping inside while his nose nuzzles my love button.

"Oh my gosh Kendall", I feel myself dancing along the edge of ecstasy, everything around me growing hazy.

His hand covers mine, lacing our fingers together. "Let go, babe. Let it feel good", he coaxes, resuming his work, his wet muscle caressing my clit while his fingers plunge inside of me, in and out, until I can't take anymore and I fall head first into euphoria.

I moan wildly, forgetting that everything else exists except for the pleasure I'm feeling and return back to sanity with Kendall's chin resting on my stomach, a smirk turning his lips up to one side, his eyes darkened with lust. Curling his fingers in the sides of my panties, he tugs them out and frees me completely, dragging his lips up my stomach, up the middle of my breasts, across my collarbone, up my neck, and finally to my mouth. A faint hint of my essence is on his tongue as he delves inside my mouth, but I can't bring myself to care. I kiss him back with everything inside of me, not wanting this to end before it can even start.

Kendall fumbles around, ridding himself of his boxers and lays on me, his cock pressing against my stomach with hands framing my face. "Are you sure you want to do this?", his eyes are soft and intense, his chest meeting mine with each breath of his.

"I do", I lift up slightly to kiss him, winding one arm around the back of his neck, my index finger from the other one tracing the outline of the skull tattoo on his right bicep. I don't know what got us to this point, but I've bared my soul to the man covering me and I want him now more than ever. "Make love to me, Kendall. Don't make me wait anymore", I plead.

The dimpled blonde shifts his hips around, positioning his tip at my entrance before slipping inside of me easily, lifting himself above me with his palms pressed flat against the mattress. "So warm, so tight", his arms tremble with need and I raise my hips, urging him to move. Kendall takes the cue, withdrawing himself almost all the way before plunging back inside of me, earning a moan. He starts up a slow, steady rhythm, showering any part of my body he can reach with butterfly kisses, until a sheen of sweat breaks out over both of us, and our torsos glide together, our hips meeting together over and over, cocooning us in an emotional bond,

Soon, Kendall's thrusts harden and come faster, making me wrap my legs around his waist for a new angle, my nails frantically clawing at his arms while I nip at his scruffy chin. "Kendall, Kendall...", his name falls from my lips as my womb tightens into a coil, my body tensing up yet again with the immense pleasure. He looks down between our two bodies, watching his glistening cock disappear inside of me time and time again, and then his eyes meet mine, his face contorts with bliss as he grips my hip and shifts, hitting my sweet spot at a whole brand new angle that won't let me stay still. Silently his eyes are telling me to come, and when his tongue licks at the seam of my lips, I come undone. My muscles pulsate around him, his eyes close but his strokes don't falter. If anything, they get faster and even harder, enhancing my orgasm as the tips of my fingers dig into his back, which will no doubtedly leave angry red scratches on his pale skin.

A few more drives into me and Kendall's forehead falls to my neck, his hips sloppily slamming into mine now with no pattern whatsoever and he suckles my sensitive skin, groaning into my flesh as his release comes. Gradually, he stops and pulls out of me. I stretch out onto my stomach, sated, feeling more calm than I probably ever have.

Kendall's fingers ascend my spine with a feather light touch, causing my eyes to flutter closed. He doesn't stop when he reaches the back of my neck. His digits trail over to my shoulder, to my arm, and down over my bicep to my elbow, where he places a kiss on each and every one of my scars, then he repeats the process on the other side. All I can do is just watch him in awe, at a loss for words.

Finally, he speaks after his lips whisper over the final one. "I want you to stop". He's not degrading, he's not forcing me, he's simply asking because he knows it's an addiction.

I can't lie to him as his eyes bore into mine. "I"ll try", I answer honestly.

"One day at a time", he kisses the top of my head and wraps his arm around my side, dragging me into his warm body. "And I'll be right here with you through it all."


End file.
