Harry Potter Loveless

Just been clearing outmy files recently and I found a load of old stories that I've never posted. Some of them are a bit dodgy but what the hell! I may as well upload them. This is just the first. Enjoy.

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><p><strong>Loveless<strong>

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><p>It always amazed Remus that Sirius could feel every single emotion as vivid and as clear as the water he currently splashed around in yet he would freeze up at the slightest touch or softest of sentiments. Girls could be all over him and so long as it was only passion they wanted, Sirius would be all over them, yet the minute emotions started to count, the minute girls wanted more, he was out of there. He didn't like love. He was afraid of it.<p>

Not even with the Marauders was he the slightest bit sentimental. Loud and joking, yes. Sometimes furious and sulking, yes. But Remus had never once heard Sirius say 'I missed you' when they all met up on the train or even 'It's good to see you again.' With Sirius it was always some stupid joke and heartfelt smile that _showed _he'd missed them.

Sirius wasn't one to casually touch people either. If Sirius ever reached out and clasped his shoulder or ruffled his hair then it always had some meaning – either an apology or a promise of things to come, Remus had learnt.

It was strange in some ways, Remus observed dryly, how Sirius avoided touching because of being a Black – and that was true no matter how many times Sirius denied it – and how Remus craved to be touched because of being a werewolf. They made an odd pair. Remus aching to reach out and Sirius constantly pulling back.

"Coming in, Moony?" Sirius shouted then, head just to say bobbing above the water. He'd woken up in the middle of the night with the strange urge to go swimming. Of course, he'd dragged Remus out of bed to accompany him with lots of curses and threats on Remus' behalf – most of which had been ignored. As usual.

"I'm quite alright here," Remus called back. It was strange, too, how Sirius often begged to be loved – never in words, of course, just simple actions or looks that were almost subconscious – and then deftly ignored anyone that cried out for the same attention.

Except Remus.

Remus had always been an exception to most of Sirius' carefully constructed walls and boundaries. When they were eleven years old, Sirius had picked Remus up off the floor and hexed Snape a thousand times over before actually _hugging _Remus. That had been the first time they'd ever spoken and it is one of the few, precious memories of Sirius willing touching another human-being that Remus has.

There has been times, too, when Remus has needed somebody to listen and Sirius has willing sat there and been a witness to his heartache and troubles and in turn shared a story or two about his family but always in the same flat, expressionless tone with a flat, expressionless face. It was no secret how little Sirius regarded his family to him.

"Oh, come on, Moony! Don't be a wet blanket!" Sirius spread his arms invitingly, "It's really nice."

"It's _cold, _Padfoot."

Sirius pouted.

It was always the same when Sirius ran away, too. He'd turn up at the Potter's without any concept of _being _on his face. He'd be all numb and void for a few days until Remus and Peter got there and then he'd go back to joking again, as though nothing had happened. Then, almost always on the third night of Remus' arrival, they'd sit down in front of the fire and Remus would tell him about how the moon had been without them and then Sirius would take a deep breath and _actually open up _for a night. He'd tell Remus why he'd left this time and why he didn't want to go back and why he _hated the fucking bastards so much!_

Then when light was starting to creep through the curtains and they were both worn out, Sirius would squeeze Remus' hand briefly and give him a _smile_ that said everything he didn't dare; _'Thank-you for listening, Remus, I need it more than I realise.' _And then the pressure on his hand would be gone and Sirius would be out the room already and looking back to see where he'd got to.

"Not when you get used to it," Sirius shrugged, "I'll drag you in!"

Remus considered him. It wasn't an idle threat. He sighed dramatically. "I'll never fall to your demands! You'll have to drag me in, I say, drag me to your hell!"

Sirius grinned at him.

There was certain times – like now – when Sirius would touch people. Though Remus was almost certain Sirius counted it as a different kind of touching – impersonal and simply for the joke – to the normal, casual brushing of friends or general hugs and even more different to sentimental hugs and caresses. In fact, if Remus thought to a point where he was almost straining his mind to its limits, he couldn't recall one memory in which Sirius was _kissing _somebody. Really kissing them. Not the tongue-down-throat-and-hands-in-places-they-shouldn't-be-in-public kissing, but the sort of soft, gentle kisses that spoke of need and want and _love. _

But then, Sirius was allergic to love.

Two hands grabbed his wrists and yanked him to his feet. Sirius grinned impishly, hair sticking up at odd angles and the strange moonlight making his pale naked skin almost glow. "I shall take you to my watery lair, damsel!"

He ignored Remus' outraged cry and spun Remus round so his arms were trapped behind his back. Sirius marched him down to the water's edge – after briefly stumbling over his discarded clothes – and simply held Remus there for a few moments. "Do you concede yet, damsel?" he shouted.

"Never!" Remus declared.

And then a hand touched his face lightly and brushed downwards, caressing the curve of his cheek and then the hollow of his neck in a feather light touch. Remus tried not to freeze. It was a thing Sirius had taken to doing lately, just randomly touching him as though to make sure he was real and really there and not some figment of his imagination. Remus wasn't complaining. He'd always thought Sirius needed to allow himself to open up more and relax around those he was supposed to trust with his life.

But the touches...

He wasn't quite sure how they made him feel. There was always the initial rush and jerk and then the butterflies that followed. It was a vaguely queasy feeling and yet it was always... always positive.

The fingers tugged at the fastening on his robe and let the material slide from his shoulders, exposing his body that was clad only in a thin vest to the cool night air. He shuddered on impulse and drew back towards the warmth that was Sirius.

The hand seemed to rest atop his rapid heart-beat for a moment before Sirius pushed him forwards and he tumbled – arms and legs whirring, shouting at the top of his voice – into the black, murky waters below.

"_Sirius!" _he cried, spluttering out a mouthful of water as he came up for air. Sirius was already happily treading water some distance away, forcing Remus to swim towards him. "This is bloody freezing, Padfoot!" he scolded half-heartedly, splashing water at him, "You and your damn crazy ideas, honestly!"

Sirius laughed. He flung his head back and shut his eyes, letting out a deliciously warm and incredibly rare laugh. Remus tried not to stare at him. It was almost as rare as one of his hugs.

Then he yelped, swallowing a mouthful of water as fingers brushed his stomach and tugged at the bottom of his vest. Sirius pulled it off him, somehow keeping eye contact all the time – which made Remus' stomach squirm both pleasantly and uncomfortably – and threw it onto the bank. "That should help," he said seriously, the laugh already gone from his face. "I'm not mostly naked for the tanning-opportunities, you know."

Remus laughed somewhat nervously. "Guess I should take my trousers off too, then?"

"Yes," Sirius said in an odd voice, coming closer again, "Yes, that would probably help too."

And Remus hardly jumped when he felt hands on his stomach again. He was staring up at Sirius instead, trying to read his face by the little light the moon afforded him. All he could see was the curve of Sirius' shoulder, the slight shimmer of his hair and the chain that hung around his neck.

The fingers dipped below his waistband, almost accidently, and Remus jerked backwards. He was suddenly grateful for the fact he could bury his feet in the mud to steady himself. "What-" he began to ask but Sirius pressed a finger against his lips in a strangely intimate gesture and Remus found his lips moving as though to kiss it.

He pulled his head back, mouth slightly open as he gazed up at Sirius, frowning. Something was changing. Something that had been building for months was about to erupt, something inside Remus' chest that had been hurting – and he hadn't realised had been hurting – was about to be eased. He couldn't understand it.

The hands were back on his belt, sliding it undone and popping the button with an ease that reminded Remus Sirius had done this plenty of times before. And then they were off too and put on the bank and he was left standing in his boxers in the early hours of the morning in some damn lake in Scotland.

They were silent for a long time. Remus was vaguely aware that Sirius was thinking about something. He was too preoccupied with how the lake had a dark, dangerous kind of beauty about her at this time to notice the tension to Sirius' back. She had mountains at the opposite side, nothing more than high smudges against the night, trees sprawling out towards her on two other sides, their depths almost brimming with a primeval magic and then the sprawling lawn of Hogwarts with the profile of the castle at the top.

It was almost awe-inspiring.

He had been so busy staring at the scenery around him that he hadn't realised Sirius had moved even closer until Sirius took his hand gently. Then his eyes snapped straight back to Sirius'. His jaw was clenched, as though he was physically fighting with his hatred of _being close a_nd his head was bent, throwing his eyes into shadow though Remus could imagine the closed-silver they probably were right now.

Sirius picked Remus' hand up, thumb rubbing in little circles, and placed the palm against his cheek.

Remus didn't get it. Sirius ran from this sort of situation. Sirius abided by human-contact only when he was gripped by some passion or other – anger or desire, it was all the same to him – and had hugged Remus only three times in the past year. Hell, the only time he'd been this serious was when he was attempting to apologise for pulling that stupid prank on Snape.

Remus bent his fingers lightly, tracing the cheek bone there. He stopped short of Sirius' lips, thumb all but hovering at the corner of his mouth.

Sirius turned his head softly and kissed it.

It was the slightest of touches yet Remus' legs almost buckled and his mouth fell open in a small 'o' as his breath left him. A long line of fire spread along his thumb and down his arm, sinking until it fell into his stomach and started to smoulder.

He let his hand fall to Sirius' chest, pressing his palm into Sirius' ribs and feeling the fast, strong heart that beat there. Sirius was surprisingly warm, he noted, despite the chill that lingered on his skin.

There was no more of an inch of space between them yet Remus felt as though they were pressed together in the most intimate way imaginable. He felt as though Sirius' chest was so tight against his that he could hardly breathe, felt that their lips were already locked together.

It was a strange feeling. It was so intimate, so familiar and yet still so... unknown, so weird.

His hand was still against Sirius' chest when Sirius leant forward and pressed his lips to Remus' collar bone. He couldn't seem to stop the shiver it sent down his spine nor the way his arms had wrapped around Sirius's back and the fact Sirius had taken a small step and pressed them all but as tightly together as Remus had imagined them to be.

His hands were splayed across the muscles in Sirius' shoulders, feeling the tension and the strength that almost vibrated. Sirius lifted his head up slowly, their cheeks pressing against each other before he turned and kissed Remus.

It wasn't a kiss Remus had ever thought Sirius Black to be capable of but nor was it a kiss he could imagine anyone _but _Sirius Black pulling off. It was short; a simple brush of numb lips against numb lips yet it made Remus shudder and press further into towards the warmth of Sirius' body, it spoke of a complete tenderness and devotion that Sirius never voiced yet remained entirely enticing and inviting for more.

Remus had barely had chance to process what he was doing – what the hell _was _he doing? – before Sirius' hands were on either side of his neck and had turned his face so they were looking at each other. Sirius had attempted to smile – a brief quirk of his lips – and then they were kissing again.

_Really _kissing.

Sirius held his face almost gently at the perfect angle for Remus to open his mouth and accept the light touch of Sirius' tongue against his and the spark it caused and he was warm – _so warm – _all over even though he was stood in nothing but his boxers in water that was must've been below zero and the kiss still held the closeness Sirius avoided yet the passion he so often showed and Remus was floating off somewhere, almost watching as though it was somebody else that was stroking Sirius' lower back with long practiced movements and moving his mouth against Sirius' in a way that felt _just right. _

It was warm and wet and Remus was sure he'd opened his mouth too much but it didn't matter because when Sirius pulled away, leaving naught but millimetres between their lips, and breathed something Remus didn't catch but he _knew _was laced with desire and need and want and that _thing _Sirius had never dared voice.

"I – I think we should back inside," Remus mumbled. They were stood – simply stood – taking some kind of pleasure that was more satisfying and fulfilling than sex had ever been out simply being _close._

"Still cold?" Sirius asked with a hint of amusement. His voice was low and husky and Remus had the distinct impression that they were staring into each other's eyes though Sirius' were in shadow still.

"Not at all," Remus shuddered then, though it had more to do with being _close _than the cold, "I just – I don't think a cold-lake is the proper place for..." he trailed off.

Sirius kissed him again, all long and slow and drawn out in such a way that Remus was all but gasping by the time Sirius stopped. "I don't think I can last that long," Sirius admitted, voice still low and promising lots more kisses like that.

Remus nodded dumbly. Then he stepped backwards and Sirius' hands fell to his hips. He shouldn't be doing this. He didn't know why he was.

He stepped back again and Sirius stepped with him. One, two, three, four more steps and then Remus' legs hit the bank and he buckled over backwards, pulling Sirius down with him. "My, aren't you eager, Remus?" Sirius muttered, a quaver in his voice that was almost nervous. He pinned Remus' arms above him, their legs already well and truly entangled, before he kissed Remus again – a slight peck that slipped into _more._

Remus isn't quite sure when he first arched his hips up and Sirius suddenly gasped. He can remember the sudden heat that flared down his legs and up his back and almost made him feel giddy. He can remember the slight flush that was barely visible because of the moonlight on Sirius cheeks. He can remember Sirius' responding thrust.

After that it gets rather blurred.

Sirius was seemingly unwilling to make any kind of noise – as it though it was some weakness – and instead screwed his face up almost as though he was in pain whereas Remus writhed about underneath him, all but gasping every time their hips met in some of rhythm.

His body felt on fire. Any memories of cold seemed like a bad dream.

And Sirius had stopped kissing him. He didn't mind though because it meant he could bury his head in Sirius' shoulder and bite the skin there when it became too much and he was almost crying out for Sirius to finish it soon.

When they did, Sirius collapsed against him, breathless and chest heaving with the moans he'd kept inwards and Remus finally saw his eyes and realised that they showing everything Sirius worked so hard to conceal. He tumbled over the edge with so much ease he wondered why they'd never done this before and then he remembered they were best friends.

Or supposed to be.

He kissed Sirius. Then he rolled out from underneath him and dressed slowly, not bothering to try and hide any of his scars but smoothing some of the panic he felt from his face and easing the tension that was starting to stiffen his shoulders.

He walked away after that. A brief glance back at Sirius watching him with painfully-sated eyes and then he started walking back up to the castle. His legs felt like jelly and he swore his stomach had disappeared at some point but his body was still burning and an over-whelming tiredness came over him.

He knew that Sirius would follow him and he'd wake up in the morning to black hair spilt like ink across his pillow and a warm chest rising beneath his face.

Huh. Sirius Black is afraid of love.

Yeah, right.

What idiot thought that up?


End file.
