Mass Effect I've missed you so much

"Kaidan." She snapped, feeling pressured, feeling angry and vulnerable and like she had just been violated somehow "A word."  
He looked at her, unstrapping his chest plate, a look of confusion passing his eyes. He dropped his gear at the locker, glancing to James and muttering a thanks as he bent to put the armour away for him.  
"Shepard…" He said, moving to stand next to her. She rolled her neck, feeling the muscles strain and pull with no relief at all from the tension she felt building.  
"What the hell were you thinking out there?" She asked in a hushed, sharp tone "I gave you an order, you deliberately broke that order."  
He blinked at her, stung by her words but unwilling to leave his corner undefended "I think I might be misunderstanding what you mean Shepard." He warned her, folding his arms over his chest.  
"It's not that I don't appreciate it Kaidan," She relented "probably saved my ass with that barrier." She shook her head "But that is not the point. It's your motivations that concern me. If I give you an order I need to know you will damn well do it."

She felt him bristle as he stood straighter, the other crew members looked on, pretending not to be listening but she knew they were. She didn't care. He had almost died out there trying to save her, which was a risk she couldn't let happen again. She needed him alive. She needed him here. She could feel her face grow hot as her temper flared, felt the familiar tingle in her hands as her biotics kicked in as her emotions spiralled out of control.  
"Shepard," He said, his voice still soft, trying to calm her "I was trying to protect you." He said reaching a hand for her. She rejected the gesture, slapping his hand away, rounding on him with a fury she could barely contain.  
"You can't!" She screamed "You can't protect me Kaidan!"  
He took a step back, hurt and confused by her reaction, and embarrassed as he realised that James and Cortez and a few other crew members were watching the scene.  
"My life means no more than anyone else's." She said firmly "If you dare disobey my orders in combat again I will have you reassigned under Admiral Hackett, do you get me?"  
She saw the muscle in his jaw flex as he grit his teeth, meeting her eyes "Yes ma'am."  
She turned from him, storming over to the procurement console with no specific reason in mind, simply to put some distance between them. She pressed her palms onto the cool glass of the console, staring at her pale reflection with disgust.

She had gone too far; as always her temper had lunged to the fore to hide her fear. Behind her she heard Kaidan move away, back to the armoury where James stood; she heard them exchange quiet words, nothing relevant, before they began discussing weapons. She closed her eyes, willing herself to breath, forcing her lungs to take up air and breathe it out slowly. It was just like Mars, that same sickening certainty that she was going to lose him. That same paralysing fear that made her feel so damn weak and vulnerable, the same damned feeling she had on Mindoir when her parents had been killed along with almost her whole colony. Her head sagged as she let that sadness overwhelm her, only for a second, as she allowed herself to see the image that had been burned into her mind that day: Mindoir burning, the school she had once gone to ablaze, the bodies of her tutors and her friends scattered here and there. Her mother, pregnant and desperate hiding her in their makeshift loft; being dragged away by Batarian pirates. Her endless courage as she struggled against them, assaulting one and dazing him long enough to grab a grenade from his belt; taking her own life and that of her unborn baby to save them both from a life of slavery. She couldn't bear to lose Kaidan; she had lost enough people that she loved dearly, and if being a tough bitch and driving him away was the only way to keep him safe then so be it.

"Commander?" She opened her eyes to see Steven standing on the other side of the console, he looked awkward and uncomfortable "It would be a good idea to head back to the Citadel when we get the chance." He said carefully "I could do with picking up some parts for the Kodiak, that beam knocked the snot out of her, there are some things I need to repair."  
"Let Joker know." She said, her voice paper thin "We'll head there right away."

Pushing away from the console she pulled her gear off, leaving her standing in her Alliance regular clothing. She handed the pieces to James who avoided her gaze she noticed, but she didn't care. She had done what had to be done; granted it maybe went a little too far – but she couldn't risk losing Kaidan. She didn't expect any of them to understand.  
"I'm going to…" She took a breath as her eyes met Kaidan's. He was standing by the armoury, his arms folded over his chest, watching her. She looked away, if only to keep him from seeing her eyes well with tears, turning and heading for the elevator with purposeful strides.

It was all coming apart, they were losing this war and she was meant to be the person turning the tide. She slammed the holo pad, not even seeing which floor she pressed as she pushed her palms against the metal wall of the elevator and let her head hang.

She heard the doors behind her slide closed; then an unfamiliar noise as they paused and opened again. She could feel a presence in the elevator and immediately wiped her eyes, turning to face them, ready to explain away her composure.

It was Kaidan.

He had followed her into the elevator, and stood now beside her watching the screen as the elevator crawled up to the next deck. She swallowed, wanting to speak to him, but there was an ocean between them in that moment. There was nothing she could say to explain her reaction; hell she didn't even really understand it. She never did, she bounced from one situation to another, her emotions and her responses unguided like shrapnel from a grenade. With so much going on, so much to think about, how the hell was she supposed to keep track of her feelings as well? She had just rallied on him in a temper for protecting her, when she herself amended orders to protect him in battles. She was a hypocrite of the worst kind.

"I know you're scared." He said, His face was still turned from her but his voice wasn't angry "I know I scared you, Abigail." She held her breath, biting the inside of her mouth as she tried desperately to stop her eyes filling with tears.  
"I'm sorry for that." He said earnestly "But I'm not sorry for saving you." He took a step forward, his Omni tool bright in the dim light of the elevator as he passed it over the screen. The elevator shuddered to a stop with a creaking moan.

"I'll never apologise for loving you Shepard." He said his voice thick with emotion as he reached a hand to her. She didn't move this time, he wiped her tears away gently, moving closer to her, the pad of his thumb tracing her cheekbone as he raised her face to look at him.  
"I remember every second following the Normandy going down." He said gently "I tell people I don't. Tell people it was all a blur, but the truth is Shepard I remember every single sensation of my heart breaking when I knew for certain you had died. I remember every waking night, every nightmare, every… regret." He swallowed "I will not lose you again, and if that means you have to shout at me in front of the crew to feel like you're protecting yourself so be it; you can shout and scream at me all you want; I know its front. I know its fear. Fear of losing me. Just like I'm terrified of losing you. You can try your best to push me away, but my heels are dug in; I'm not going anywhere."

She looked at her feet brokenly, the truth of his words sinking deep. She had never felt so vulnerable in her life; he was right about everything. He cupped her chin, bringing her eyes back to him.  
"I love you." He said gently, sweeping a stray bang from her eyes and looping it behind her ear for her. He leaned into her, brushing her lips gently with his own and she stiffened. She wanted to push him away, to scream at him, but she had no fight left in her. He was right; she loved him with everything she was.

The kiss was everything she remembered about him, every dream, every cherished moment, rolled into one. It was incredibly tender and as he pulled back she opened her eyes to see his filled with pain. He didn't have to say anything, she knew he was thinking about the last two years, about having her gone from his life in such an abrupt and final way and suddenly to have her back – the difficulties they had both had coming to terms with that, and now finally, realising how unimportant that all seemed. As long as they had each other, what did the past matter?

He smiled a little, bringing his lips back to hers and she was only too happy to accept, his body pressed against hers in the small elevator, the steel side cool against her back. His hand came down from her hair, both of them now at her waist, tugging at her standard issue Alliance vest, pulling it free from her belt his hands wandered inside, tracing her skin as though they had never left, each touch leaving her aching with longing. He helped her pull the vest over her head and it dropped to the floor silently, his shirt following soon after.

The intercom of the elevator crackled and Joker's voice sounded in the tiny space.  
"Commander?" He asked "We seem to be having a problem with the elevator there, I think I might need to send an engineer to you."  
They paused, Kaidan turning his head to the intercom, back to her as they both laughed quietly, breathlessly.  
"Commander?" Joker pressed, sounding irritated that he was not getting a reply.  
"The elevator is fine Jeff." EDI's voice interrupted, and Kaidan kissed her again.  
"It's jammed EDI, what are you talki-"  
"The elevator is fine Jeff." She repeated the inflection in her voice sterner. "Applying mute now, Shepard." She informed them politely, and she could hear the fizz as the intercom in the elevator winked out of commission.

Kaidan gripped the waist band of her combats, his hands deftly finding the buttons at the front and she helped him, stepping out of them easily. She would have felt awkward, standing in front of him like this, but he gave her little time to contemplate. Their kissing was becoming more frenzied, their breathing harder, as he lifted her – too easily – she thought, and supported her against the wall of the elevator. She gripped the bar above her head with one hand, the other snaking into his hair as she locked her ankles at his lower back, holding him close. She wanted him as close as she could get him, to never let him go. She could feel the electricity between them building, could see the blue charge when she opened her eyes, could feel her control straining to hold her power back, biotics were slippery at best.

Their lovemaking was feverish, passionate – as though they had been apart for a century never mind a couple of years. Afterward they lay entangled on the floor of the elevator, the clothes providing the only comfort for them to lie on as they held each other. For the life of her Shepard couldn't bring herself to leave. Kaidan smoothed her hair back with his hand, leaning over her he pressed his lips to her forehead. Her biotics had calmed somewhat, but she could still feel them just under the surface – could feel the strength in him every time he touched her skin.  
"I love you." She said, stroking his face gently. It was rough from being unshaven, but still handsome. Still so handsome.  
"I love you too, Abby." He said gently, bending to kiss her again. There was a moment, singular, and no longer than a heartbeat where she forgot about their current circumstance, about the war and the people they had lost. Where everything melted for one blissful second and she was just a woman in the arms of the man she loved; the man she had waited for; longed for.

"Shepard." EDI's voice sounded suddenly, bringing her crashing back to reality. "I should warn you that my distractions have ceased to work on Jeff. He is on his way to investigate."  
"Thanks EDI." Kaidan said, but he was looking at her.

Carefully he got to his feet, redoing the buttons on his combats swiftly. She pulled her vest to her, covering her modesty as best she could. He offered her a hand and she took it gratefully as he helped her to her feet. He paused, running his hand over her shoulder, his forehead creasing into a frown. She followed his gaze and could see he was looking at the scarring on her body – it was faint, healed as it was by Dr Chakwas, but if you looked close enough you could still see the faint pink lines.

She felt her face grow hot and made to move away from him but he held her fast, instead pressing his lips to her shoulder and pulling her into a tight embrace. He smelled amazing and she couldn't help but bury her face in the crook between his neck and shoulder; she could feel her eyes sting with tears and fought them back. The familiarity of him overwhelming. The nearness of him breath-taking.

"I love you." He said again, his voice thick with emotion, and he made no move to let her out of the embrace. "I missed you so much, Shepard." He allowed, and she could hear his breathing labour as he too fought back tears. She pulled back, and he looked away from her, not wanting her to see and she allowed him. Knew he needed that.  
"Come on." He said gently, bending to collect her combats for her "Before Joker gets an eyeful."

When they were dressed again Kaidan restarted the elevator and it ascended once more toward the Crew Deck. When the doors slid open Joker was there with Tali, her omni tool scanning the mechanics. She turned to look at Shepard and Kaidan as the doors slid open and shook her head turning to Joker, the visor of her face mask reflecting the light as she made a tutting noise.  
"I told you it was done on purpose." Tali sighed, she didn't stay, and instead she moved past the pilot and away down the corridor once more.  
Joker looked at each of them in turn almost confused; then his eyes widened in realisation and he sputtered some gibberish, nodded, blushed and turned on his heel hobbling away toward the cockpit again.  
"Poor Joker." Shepard smiled, watching him as he continued to mutter to himself.  
"At least he won't be talking much for a few days." Kaidan reasoned "I look forward to the peace and quiet." He returned her smile with warmth, taking her hand turning it gently in a smooth motion to kiss the inside of her wrist tenderly. With that he was all business again, that secret smile the only indication that there was anything amiss in their professional relationship.

He watched her the rest of the day from afar. He had no idea if she was aware, he just liked to watch her as she gave orders, reviewed reports and wrote some herself. She commanded the ship and the loyalty of the crew so effortlessly; like she had been born to do it. She looked stunning, even dressed in Alliance casuals she was a sight to behold and each time he felt like the luckiest man alive. He knew he wasn't the only one that looked more appreciatively at the Commander, knew he wasn't alone by far – and yet she had picked him. It was humbling.

She looped her hair behind her ears, her blue eyes scanning a datapad that was thrust into her hand. He smiled, realising how much that mannerism had stayed with him; how much it made him think of the first time she had boarded the SR1. He had been enraptured with her at that moment, fresh faced – almost innocent despite her impressive service record, and a biotic; they had a lot in common and they were good together.

He kept himself busy, reviewing reports of alliance tactical movements in the hope of recognising some of his students' handiwork but he found his mind wandering back to their moments in the elevator. She had felt so alive against him, warm and luscious and vibrant, he could still taste her in his mouth and it was driving him wild. This was exactly what they had been hoping to avoid but he couldn't help it. She had his thoughts, like an infection that wouldn't let go. Finally he tore himself away from the datapad he had been pretending to scour and made his way to the kitchens. The chef was cleaning down the counters and gave him a knowing look as he approached.  
"Well Spectre Alenko." He smiled "I don't suppose you would be looking for an energy drink would you?" He mused.  
Kaidan rubbed the back of his neck, obviously he was becoming predictable even in the short time he had been back aboard the Normandy.  
"Has the Commander been by?" He asked casually and the chef nodded.  
"She came by for a drink earlier," He admitted "looked mighty tired though. I think she was heading for some shut eye."  
Kaidan nodded his thanks, accepting the drink gratefully and pocketing it as he made for the elevator. He pressed for the top deck, feeling a flurry of schoolboy excitement fill his chest and make him smile with melancholy. He had done this before, back when he had been a subordinate, back when they had been breaking almost every rule the Alliance had about fraternisation.

They were both Spectres now, he doubted there were such rules for Spectres, but he couldn't help the familiarity he felt as the elevator doors slid open and he stepped toward the door of her cabin.

The door was unlocked and opened as he approached. The room was dark save for the blue light coming from the great fish tank that made up one wall of the room. The fish swam slowly, minding their own business. He paused as he glanced at her desk which was cluttered with reports and flashing data pads, the red light on her mail console blinked rapidly; a dozen more messages waiting for her the moment she opened her eyes.

He sifted through the pile, most were reports of colonies lost, failed attempts at chasing away Reapers and death tolls in the millions. To the side of it all was a photo of him, which he found touching, it was an old one and he wondered how long she had had it. He sighed, he had forgotten how much pressure was on this woman's shoulders. They really did expect her to solve the problem. After years of ignoring her pleas they now placed a monumental responsibility on her; no wonder she was coming apart at the seams.

He looked to the bed, where she lay, one hand tucked behind her head under her pillow, the other gently on her stomach. She looked beautiful, peaceful, but he knew her enough to know she never slept well. Even before, back when he had just met her she had been racked with nightmares about Mindoir.

He moved to the bedside, sliding a strand of hair from her face as he watched her. He wished he could take it all away for her, even if it was just for a moment. She stirred and he dropped to his knees quietly, leaning into her as her eyes fluttered open. Her eyes met his and she smiled, closing them once more, but her hand moved to his face gently.

"What are you doing sneaking around here." She whispered sleepily. He smiled, kissing her deeply.

"I wanted to check you were alright." He said honestly "after everything today… well… it's been quite a rollercoaster."

"I'm glad you came." She said, her fingers moving round to the back of his neck to play with the hair there. He felt them brush the small indentation of his implant and shivered.

"Me too." He said quietly, bringing his mouth to hers once more. She lifted the sheet for him and he accepted gratefully, sliding in beside her naked form. She was deliciously warm, and as receptive as ever to his touch, her body seeming to gravitate toward him as they held each other in the dark.

This time their lovemaking was slower, more sensual; he wanted to take his time with her, to truly get reacquainted with the Shepard he had lost so long ago. She came alive in his arms, her defences crumbling before his eyes.

Afterward they lay entangled in the bed, her head resting on his chest as they played with each other's' fingers in the dim light.

"I'm so scared Kaidan." She whispered suddenly, her hand freezing in his as she let out the awful truth. He paused, feeling her stiffen in his arms, she had told him a dark secret and was dreading his response.  
"We're going to be fine." He said firmly, pretending that he believed it, willing her to believe it. "You can do this Abby. We can do this, don't ever doubt that."

She buried her face in his shoulder shaking "When I think about all the people that have died, I…" She caught her breath "I've lost so many people, Kaidan. I don't…" She gripped him "I don't know if I can do this.

He moved beneath her, leaning up on his elbow so he was looking down on her. She tried to avoid his gaze, but he moved a hand to her cheek, holding her eyes steady.

"Abigail," He said firmly "no one could ask you to do more. You are the only reason we are doing as well as we are so far. The only reason. You're the only reason…" He trailed off, wanting to tell her she was the only reason he was still alive, but that old habit of keeping himself held back a little had kicked in.

"I hope you're right." She said, wriggling against him to get comfortable "I've missed you so much Kaidan."

He held her close, feeling her warmth against him. Gradually he heard her breathing become shallow as she drifted to sleep in his arms but he stayed awake, vigilant; waiting.


End file.
