Beverly Hills 90210 1. Falling to pieces

**Disclaimer: **All property of whoever owns them. Not mine. Do not make money now, do not intend to ever do so.. Well yeah maybe.. But at the moment I'm goign allllll legal.. nothing to worry about...

**A/N:** So here's yet another story. This one is on my pride and joy list. I am very proud of presenting it after much thought on weather I should put it out here or not. Please, I know you guys out there are awsome so send me a review.. Thanks. I don't care if you hate it, love it, think I spelled the second last word in the middle wrongly.. Tell me, and I'll try to reply to you.. and read your stories...

**Falling pieces  
**

Brenda Walsh was watching the wind caressing the leaves and the grass on the lawn of her Beverly Hills home. It was a classy house and garden. She saw her parents car parked out front and her brothers would be there soon as well.

She had a room of her own and a bathroom she shared with her twin brother. They had more than one floor in their home and their bank account was not needy…

She was supposed, according to what the rumors back in Minneapolis told, have gone from working class good girl to LA rich bitch…

But when she sat there something clicked. She realized she wasn't anything that would meet their expectations. Everybody had been aware of Brandon's coming success in his new home town. And he had met that with becoming one of the most popular boys in the graduating classes, working at the school paper with good grades and an acceptance letter to the infamous UCLA.

She wasn't sure of what she wanted to do. She had a whole summer to consider she had thought but the schools wanted answers fast but she wasn't prepared to give them just yet. She had watched her friends happily declaring their future plans. Even Dylan had set sights on continuous schooling.

A lone tear rolled down her cold cheek as memories echoed through her mind. It wasn't a plesant view at all that past her inner eye.

She remembered Minnesota and coming home from school that scary day. She was happy because there had been a whole day without seeing Dean, Bonnie or any of the others and she had gotten two A:s for her essay and the English literature exam.

And she walked into her home happily dropping her back back and running the stairs up to the second floor to find her family in the living room. She had been waving her papers in the air smiling happily as she turned the corner and then stopped abruptly. Her mother was crying silently, Brandon was clenching and un clenching his fits with and her father was wearing a puzzled expression. Her happy expression dropped away but her mother tried in vain to keep up the false maskeradue.

'Honey what's that you have there?' she had asked but Brenda just moved backwards.

'What's going on?' she asked stunned but not completely surprised her day wasn't going to be perfect after all.

'Your father has been promoted.' Cindy's voice was low and echoing off the quiet rooms walls as Brenda set sight on her father for confirmation.

'We're going to LA.' He said after the long silence.

Returning to the present Brenda heard a motor's roar in the silent night and saw her brother pulling up.

She remembered the tear on her cheek and put up a warm hand to brush it off.

As Brandon drew nearer she found herself having trouble breathing the warm air.

Brandon looked at her with a puzzled expression that reminded her of the one he had been wearing that day that changed their situation so dramatically.

'Nana want's us up for the summer. Mom says we should go.' She said silently.

Brandon looked at her suspiciously.

'Your upset because Nana wants you come visit?' he asked stunned.

'No.'

Brandon looked at her intently.

'She's going to die Brandon.' Brenda felt another tear roll down.

'Why would you even think that? She's not old yet. Not like…' cutting him off Brenda stood up.

'She's got cancer. She didn't tell mom or dad until now. I don't think she told anyone. I'm not supposed to know but I was looking for the mixer in the cabinets and overheard them talking on the phone. I didn't mean to honest it was an accident I just…' and she started sobbing her body wrecking.

She felt Brandon's arms around her after a split second or so. His expression was still puzzled but he was trying his hardest to make sense of the situation.

'Shh it's going to be alright. They can treat these things she doesen't have to die Bren.' He whispered.

'You don't understand,' she reluctantly moved back. ' I did the annual check up yesterday because the doctor sent out a note saying everybody with a scare check should come back after a year or so to see that it really was nothing. I got the tests back Brandon.' She felt her eyes stinging from tears. 'Nana's cancer is so developed there's nothing to do but wait. They don't know how far mine has spread yet.' She whispered.

It was like watching someone being slapped across the face and then just stop. Brandon looked at her, his hands still gripping her shoulders tightly. She could see he was trying even harder to make it all make sense but it didn't seem to be working.

'I'm not loosing you!' he said very loudly and with his voice un wavering.

She had been convinced there was nothing that anyone could say that would make her feel any better, but he had brought back hope to her.

He held her so hard she felt as if though ther body was being crushed but she found herself not minding in the least.

She hadn't noted the other two boys arriving in Dylan's Porche. They had walked up to stand only a few paces behind the siblings oblivious to the conversation that had taken place.

'Hey you two enough with the whole sassy thing…' Steve said half heartedly.

Brandon didn't react only held her while she cried, rocking her ever so slightly.

'It's okay sis. We'll get through this…' he said in a steady voice that almost frightened her.

'and if we don't?' she asked without knowing why.

'I'm not going to let you go just like that. Trust me…' he whispered.

'I do.' She answered between a shuddering sob and a steady gaze.

A/N so what do you think? Way confusing or workable?

Just wanted to say that I dedicat this chapter to a friend who lost someone she loved for a while ago. It's all for you Angel...


	2. Vindicated

**Disclaimer:** I do not own or profit from beverly hills 90210, but the plot of this story is my own and so please ask me before borrowing things from it! The lyrics are from the song 'Vindicated' performed by Dashboard Confessionals. I have edited the lyrics partially.

**A/N:** Hi, I first of all want to thank you for all the amazing reviews. Secondly I want to apologize for not taking time to up date. The truth is I have made several attempts at follow-up chapters but they all seemed to lack the correct emotion, so here it comes. Enjoy and please review if you want more.

Love,

**_DF_**

**Vindicated**

The sunlight glistened through the colored glass of the church. In the foremost bench-row Brenda Walsh was sitting with her head bowed and her hands in her lap.

There were candles lit all around her and soft singing echoed from the floor below where the choir was practicing for their weekly performance. Un moved by all this Brenda sat there on the hard wooden bench humming along to a tune of her own.

_Hope dangles on a string  
Like slow spinning redemption  
Winding in and winding out  
The shine of it has caught my eye  
_

Something was different now, from when she had last been sitting here. She could remember the day the Walsh family had arrived in Beverly Hills for the first time, and she had come here late at night finding sanctuary in her clouded reality.

Sometimes she would think of death, but as a distant somewhat scary part of the end of life. When she had found the lump in her breast a few years ago she had spent a lot of time thinking about what life was really all about, and what she was meant to accomplish before her time was up.

Fortunately the doctor had put her mind at rest that time with the news that it was merely her levels of estrogen that were a bit wild and nothing at all dangerous. Then that letter had arrived in the mail box.

She remembered that last time she had been getting herself checked out both Brandon and Dylan had chosen to put their lives on hold to be there for her and she remembered how worried and estranged they had acted around her. So she didn't want to worry them again with something so simple as a standard re visit.

When the doctor had called her back she had heard the faint sadness in his voice, the distress that was probably always present when he was faced with delivering bad news to a patient. She had not heard that the last time he had called with results.

Now she was faced with another outcome, the one she had feared so many years ago. Comically enough it was not breast cancer but a form of leukemia, in a very early stage though.

She had come back the very next day to take new tests and was now awaiting the last results of these.

Her grandmother had called later on the day of the fateful news. She had sounded quite cheerful in the phone assuring her granddaughter that it wasn't really that bad. After all Brenda was still in a very young age and had all the odds playing in her favor, almost.

Brandon had taken the news in his own way. He had immediately begun researching the issue, taking time of his schedule to find out everything and anything he could about her disease in forms of treatments, facilities for treatments, symptoms, stages in the illness, good food to keep away nausea and other side effects, side effects and so on.

He had really been a constant in the process thus far and she prayed silently a 'thank you' to her brother. The effects of the news however had been noticeable.

Brandon had become very protective again, and was already planning on remodeling the room so it would help her get better. She almost laughed at him for that. Then there was the part when he had begun to worry her. He was scared, and she could sense it. It frightened her because as long as she could remember he had never been scared of anything, or at least not shown it in front of her.

'It's all going to be all right… I'm not loosing you, trust me, you're going to be just fine!' his words still echoed inside her head.

_And roped me in  
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing  
I am captivated_

_So clear  
Like the diamond in your ring  
_

_Cut to mirror your intentions  
Oversized and overwhelmed  
The shine of which has caught my eye_

Then there was Dylan and Steve who had both been there on the fateful day. They had helped her calm down and made every effort to remain at her side in case she would need something.

Dylan had been very quiet at first but once he begun talking when they had a moment to themselves he was very honest, something she had always adored about him. He told her he was worried, scared even, but that he would also remain by her side throughout everything and that he would carry a bit of her burden, all of it if he possibly could. Then he had laughed, made a joke and caused her to laugh and their laughter had filled the house again and she had momentarily forgot the seriousness of the situation, and she loved him for giving her that precious gift.

Then her parents had come in and heard that laughter. Not in a million years would they had guessed something was wrong, much less that seriously awry.

But Brandon and Steve had entered from the kitchen, faces solemn and expressions crestfallen as they realized that the news would have to be broken once more.

Brenda had stood up from her position on the sofa beside Dylan. Her tears still lining her face but a smile also playing on her red lips, needless to say it faded quite fast.

'Brenda, honey what's wrong?' her father had asked almost immediately. 'What's going on here, it looks like you have just come from a funeral.' And Brenda could almost hear the _'and someone made an in appropriate joke.'_ part of the sentence.

They had taken it fairly well… That is she hadn't really had time to imagine all the scenarios and the fact that they didn't panic immediately calmed her somewhat. They made it out to the kitchen with serious faces first.

Steve had spent the time sitting or standing with his gaze un focused and looking rather miss placed. Like a squirrel that finds itself in the middle of the high way.

She still wasn't quite sure what was between them other than having mutual friends. She had thought of him as a rather good friend before the whole theater spectacle but neither one of them seemed to have quite over come that last night and what was said and done then. Still they saw each other every day and acted politely and much like they always had. Now that she thought about it they really never had been that close.

It was a fragile road friendship, so easily broken and so dangerously walked. Mending a miss direction could prove impossible. Still we all kept trying to find the paths, and walk upon them.

She hadn't told everybody else yet. Brenda wanted the results back first, to be certain of what actions that would be needed next and to have all the information clear for herself before beginning to inform others.

Valerie had acted suspiciously, especially since Brenda's parents weren't very good at hiding problems. Still she had given up on asking and merely sent curious and meaningful glances at Brenda every moment they spent together.

Kelly was busy with work at the clinic and had only left a message for her friend in the whole week only declaring that Val had asked her to cancel on a lunch date because she had to work, so no problems there. Donna was working frantically to get her collection ready for some new designer she had been employed under.

Then there was David, Noah, Nat and the rest. Brenda had not really felt inclined to think about the conversation that would need to be had with all of these people and hence had taken to avoid the lot.

She had convinced her family, Dylan and Steve to keep quiet about the whole thing. So far they had kept their word.

_And rendered me so isoloated, so motivated  
I am certain now_

The light from the window was growing fainter as evening came. It was already past four in the afternoon. Still the girl didn't move. Her head was still bowed and her lips moved along with a song barely heard.

She was scared. More so than she had been for a long time, but she was also numb. Awaiting the appointment with Doctor Hennson was taking its toll on her.

'Miss?' a voice from above startled the girl and she sat upright trying to find the source of the word.

An old man with silvery hair and twinkling eyes was standing before her with a smile playing on his lips. He was wearing a cross in a silver chain around his neck and a priests outfit.

'Oh, I'm sorry I didn't realize someone else was…' she faltered looking back down at her intertwined hands.

'You have been sitting here since morning my child, tell me for what might you be praying so solemnly for?' he asked taking a seat beside her, and facing the front still smiling.

She didn't really now. Despite having sat here almost the whole day she still didn't know what exactly she wanted. Brenda had merely been contemplating her situation, but thinking any further seemed, well frightening.

'It is all right, we get a lot of those here.' The man said nodding.

'Of what?' she asked immediately watching as the priest said a quick silent prayer.

'Oh all kinds, mostly they are just feeling alone and maybe a little lost'

She nodded, showing she understood him.

'Still you hold faith in something and I believe that whatever it is, it will provide enough hope for you to realize that life is worth every ounce of struggle and hardships for the few good moments. No matter what you believe in, whether it be God or something else.' He finished.

She contemplated this for a moment.

'I guess, but is the struggle always worth it? No matter how rough it is?' she asked.

'I chose to think so yes. You know what they say, true love often remains for the shortest of moments but the mere memory of it will last you a life time.'

'Hi guys.' Brenda said as she entered through the kitchen door and shrugged off her wet coat. The rain fall outside had begun just as she got out from the church.

'Well aren't we the cheery secret keeper.' Val said smiling, a spoon of ice cream in her mouth.

Brandon and Dylan who were sitting by the table froze for a moment but fortunately Valerie was standing with her back towards them.

Brenda on the other hand smiled.

'Indeed, now get out of the way and let me have a bite of that.' She said taking out a spoon from the drawer.

The two girls launched head first into a discussion about the resent events at the after dark. Valerie was giving Brenda the full up date while the other girl gave her insight and comments on various things. Such as the shocking news that David and Donna had just broken up.

'Oh my, I can't believe it!' Brenda exclaimed stunned.

'I know, but here's the juicy part. Turns out he had been using invalid checks, he's in debt way over his head and Donna had helped pay a bill at the club thinking he'd pay it back because she trusted him.' Valerie finished the sentence with holding up her hands and making quotation marks in the air.

'I can't believe he would do something like that to her, I mean they where so perfect together. How could he risk something like that over money?' Brenda argued.

'Sometimes other things than love can blind you.' Valerie said enjoying another mouthful of vanilla fudge.

'You mean like your little triangle drama with Noah and the handsome and extremely wealthy clothes guy?' Brenda said raising an eyebrow meaningfully.

'You should talk…' Val smiled hitting her friend playfully on the arm.

'What's that supposed to mean?' Dylan asked slightly hurt from the table.

'Oh no big deal.' Valerie said innocently.

'I do not go for guys because of their wallets!' Brenda said mocking hurt.

'Right.' Valerie smiled motioning at Dylan.

Brenda threw a piece of her ice cream and hit Valerie on her white business like shirt. The other girl broke into giggles and tried to hit Brenda with some of her own. Unfortunately the girly fight soon escalated and hit the boys who, attacked with fudge pieces, took to weapons and begun tickling the girls.

The foursome was soon in a heap on the floor panting from exhaustion and laughing wildly at each other.

'So that was fun.' Valerie commented. 'But now I'm late, for my rich man date.' She said smiling. 'Brenda would you help me pick an outfit, since you spoiled my initial idea.'

The girls removed themselves from the boys.

'Listen, we've got to talk later all right?' Brandon said looking at his sister meaningfully.

'Sure, I'll be in all night. Don't worry.' She smiled and waved.

It had been a strange feeling having her body pressed against Dylan's again. He had been the one to attack her during their tickle fight and she couldn't help but admit that she had liked it very much. But was it really worth going there, even just in her head?

She remembered what the priest had told her, about true love only lasting for a short moment, was it really all that would ever be granted to her and Dylan? Were they even the match that equaled true love?

She had come back from London about a month late, already having decided to stay there for possibly the rest of her life. Dylan's fading calls and unstable situation had worried her enough to reconsider her options but when her brother told her about how bad it had gotten and that they were staging an intervention she decided it was time to come back home. Evenif just for a short while.

How she had ever imagined she could leave again she did not know, not after she had seen him. His deep eyes had bored holes into her soul and she had become a crying wreck in front of her while sobbing up reasons for him to face what was happening around him.

They had shared a long passionate kiss and he had been off to a center where he was going to get better, a rehab.

She visited him everyday even when they declared she wasn't allowed for various reasons she came and caught a glimpse of him or exchanged a few words.

Their relationship was intense, like it always was, but it was friendship. She didn't want to take it further because she was too afraid of what it could mean, and he didn't want to risk loosing her to the other side of the world again so he simply agreed to any terms possible.

Since then they had started to move slowly, a concept new and foreign to both of them.

They were not seeing others, they hadn't in the whole time since he had returned from rehab. Sure there had been the occasional dates or kisses with someone but nothing serious, nothing like they had.

They had dated and even lived together for almost two years, then they stopped dating but remained in casa Walsh sharing the house with the other three, Brandon, Valerie and Steve.

Their relationship was currently off since about six months ago when they had suffered the loss of a baby. It had been a hard obstacle, mostly for Brenda who had come to terms with many things about her fears of commitment and herself, and they had not quite made it past it together so they decided to take time apart, at least in that sense.

Now they were simply best friends. She knew they weren't soulmates, that wasn't what they needed, wanted from each other, but they were lovers un-separable by time and space and they both knew it. They were a part of one another and they were most certainly in love. The question was only how long and how harsh the road was that led to the future, or if it even led to a joint such.

He had kissed her several times in the past sex months, and they had even slept together occasionally, a kind of comfort. But the relationship was still in the shadows, waiting and watching. Would true love prevail like in the fairy tales?

'Brenda are you even paying attention to me?' Valerie asked from the closet door.

'Of course I am.' The other girl replied, dazed. 'The green one, definitely.'

_Hope dangles on a string  
Like slow spinning redemption  
Winding in and winding out  
The shine of it has caught my eye_

_And roped me in  
So mesmerizing, so hypnotizing  
I am captivated_

_I am Vindicated  
I am selfish,I am wrong  
I am right  
I swear I'm right  
I swear I knew it all along  
And I am flawed  
But I am cleaning up so well  
I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself  
_

**_A/N_**: Review to let me know what you guys think of the story line. Am I´lacking emotion, is there something I have missed, would you like to see things different? Please just give me the feedback and I'll try to take time to both answer you and to consider your ideas.

**_DarkFlames_**


	3. Chocolate cake

**Disclaimer: **All property of whoever owns them. Not mine. Do not make money now, do not intend to ever do so.. Well yeah maybe.. But at the moment I'm goign allllll legal.. nothing to worry about...

**A/N: **Sorry for the slow up date, I just got back to school, and unfortunately if your not in lit. class the university reading lists do not match with the 'need-to-continue-writing-and-researching-my-fic' list! Oh and I want to dearly thank all of hte readers and reviewers. But since I realized that almost 200 had read this story so far and only thirteen reviews have been submitted I must say I was a bit sad. Anyways, enjoy. All for you dear fanfic lovers... DF

**Summary:** Brenda makes a trip to the hospital where she learns more about her condition. She meets Doctor Kyle Holden, stumbles upon a mysterious face and plays tricks with poor Dylan's mind. There's really not much chocolate involved, but it kind of spices up the story, and I plan on having a lot of overwhelming chocolate involvement in the next update, which will be soon.

**Chocolate cake**

The crowd, she'd never forget the crowd. The way the people just stood there waving their hands and shaking their heads slowly. Then the way they looked at her when she past them, and the way her brother shoved her forward lightly with his hand on her lower back. She remembered feeling confused, dazed even at the thought of whatever they were protesting for. Or against for that matter…

'Come on, elevator. Don't mine them now.' She heard her brother almost breathe the words against her ear as if afraid the crowd would hear him.

'What are they…' her sentence died out and she didn't know for sure why. She just didn't need to know anymore, not right now. Later, yes maybe later would do…

The elevator was metal colored with a mirror on one wall. The numbers above the door moved slowly and Brenda let her eyes slide down to the lit buttons. Number three, four and seven were pressed. She was waiting for the last, the cancer department. She never realized there was something like that.

Stupid really, because it was so obvious that existed. In fact she had seen it before when she did her scare check. And her second check up. It all just seemed like memories someone else had experienced.

Her eyes closed briefly, her mind contemplating the many swirling thoughts running through her brain. There were so many why, how and what's there that she got dizzy just from holding the thoughts for too long. Then she tried to imagine silence, calmness.

A black sky was clearly visible, with stars strewn across it that gleamed and brought light to the beach she was sitting at. The water hit the shores with a growling sound, the waves crashing against the sand and making its way up high before pulling back down again. She watched it as if enchanted.

'Baby, what are you thinking of?' she heard and turned in her dream state.

Dylan was watching her with a curious and still knowing expression. He smiled ever so slightly before leaning up against her. His lips tasted of sweat and water, cool water. His eyes were reflected against the rest of the beach stretching out behind him, and the stars.

He was looking intently into her green ones, all the love and trust so clearly visible and reflecting in both their eyes. She felt so happy, so relieved and so incredibly happy.

'I love you…' she said her tone light.

'Bren!' a hand on her shoulder shaking her slightly.

She opened her eyes slightly startled and realized that the elevator doors had opened.

'Oh, sorry.' She was blushing slightly as she turned her head and replied to Dylan. He nodded with the same shy smile as in her 'dream' and started to head out. She followed with her brother in tow.

The hallway was almost empty. The walls were yellow with pictures hanging every now and then. Brenda let her eyes move across the worn chairs and stands of re read old magazines that trailed their way towards the offices.

A few doctors hurried past them, their white robes swishing as they walked, but took no notice of the group. She heard her mother and father come up on either side of her while Brandon moved up with Dylan to walk ahead.

She felt almost squished by the group, but had refrained from commenting. She couldn't very well ban any of them from accompanying her.

There was a counter with an older lady solving a cross word sitting behind it.

Brenda shoved Brandon lightly to the side, giving him a reassuring smile. She was past breaking point, she was strong now. At least for now…

'Hi, I have an appointment with Dr. Holden at one…' Brenda explained with a bright smile.

The lady looked up with a slightly tiered gaze but smiled kindly.

'Oh yes dear, your name please?' she replied beginning to type on the computer.

'Walsh, Brenda Walsh.' Brenda said.

A few short seconds past and all that was heard was the hitting of keys before the old lady looked up again.

'Right down the hallway there, he'll be expecting you.' She started, then her glance ran over the people behind her. 'Only immediate family are allowed, I'm sorry but are…'

Brenda interrupted her. 'Yeah, as immediate as it gets.'

Dylan came up beside her by the counter while the lady scrutinized the company with her eyes. 'Is there a problem?' he asked with his most charming, low, voice and Brenda almost shivered.

It wasn't a big surprise when the lady smiled a little and nodded after that.

She walked with a quick pace, listening to her own footsteps echo. She was wearing a pair of jeans and a black t shirt, with a pair of black heeled boots that Valerie had gotten her for last Christmas. She loved them, and wore them whenever she felt special, lonely, or worried. They had a kind of comforting feel to them. She guessed Valerie was the person to buy that kind of clothes.

The door was visible from far away, the black letters on it radiating towards Brenda.

'**Dr. K Holden'**

She drew a shaky breath as she came to a halt. Raising her fist to knock she closed her eyes for a brief while to calm her nerves again. The image of the beach and star sky was gone, replaced by the image of a child, a baby girl looking up at her with big brown eyes. She smiled but wasn't even sure why, she had never seen the kid before but found her to be the most beautiful creature ever.

Then with determination written all over she knocked, and almost immediately she heard footsteps and the door opened before her, a handsome old man with a happy smile watching her.

'Miss Walsh I presume? He raised an eyebrow and she smiled back.

His blue eyes twinkling in the light and his white hair was pulled back in a pony tail she found fascinating. His whole appearance said hippie more than doctor but of some reason it calmed her.

He let her and the rest enter and then closed the door, moving towards his desk and motioning for her at the comfortable looking chair in front of it. Brandon and Dylan sat down on either side of her, while her parents took seats beside Dylan to her right.

He sat down opposite her while she tugged at the dark leather of the stool and took a seat.

'Good morning, how are we feeling today?' the doctor asked.

'Quite well thanks.' She replied.

'Oh where are my manners.' He scolded himself and stood up again reaching his hand over the table and smiling at her. 'Doctor Kyle Holden at your service.' He explained.

She smiled again, and shook the outstretched hand. 'Patient Brenda Walsh.'

The rest of the group introduced themselves as well but she didn't really take in the words.

'Well I'm glad your one of the confident ones.' He paused as she looked a bit confused. 'you can see it from far away radiating off you, the fighter spirit. You won't just accept defeat like that.' He raised his eyebrows again.

'I suppose.' She said almost blushing at his kind words.

'So I guess we should get right to business.' The doctor said.

'I'd like that.' Brenda replied and the doctor smiled while picking up a folder.

'So I've been going through your case here. You came in for a check up on a scare check?' he asked.

'Yes.'

He nodded while his eyes followed the lines on the paper he was holding. With a swift movement he had put on a pair of glasses, and his already big blue eyes seemed somehow even bigger.

'Before I get into details I must, again, press the fact that we caught this at a very early stage, and that if anything gives immense hope for you.' He looked at her and nodded.

'Well, the kind of cancer you have is normally known as Leukemia, it's a blood cancer that comes in several different forms. In your case we are dealing with something known as Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia, often reffered to as CML. It's also know by several other names that you might have or will hear of like chronic granulocytic or chronic myelocytic, but CML is the main term.'

He once again looked up at her as if expecting a reaction. She simply sat there with her eyes focused on the golden plate with his name on it. She felt Brandon squeeze her hand lightly.

'CML is the result of an acquired, and not inherited, injury to the DNA of a stem cell in your marrow. Scientists are still working on figuring out what causes this.' Another pause and he looked back down at the papers, as if re assured she wasn't going to collapse at this point.

She let her eyes flutter across the room as he paused, landing them on the shelve of books by the wall. There in the centre were several portraits of young girls and boys. One of them especially caught her eyes.

It was the image of a defiant and confident girl, with shoulder length chopped blond hair and sparkling green bluish eyes. She was wearing a leather jacket, and a slightly annoyed look. Still there was something, kindness perhaps, that eroded so clearly from her. She was brave, that was what had caught Brenda's attention. Without knowing who this girl was Brenda was already confident that whoever it was she was a fighter. Wasn't that what the doctor had talked about? She decided then and there to find out what had happened to that girl, who she was and why her picture was hanging here.

It wasn't his family, she had seen the silver portraits on doctor Holden's desk, but this girl was surrounded by other pictures of what she guessed must be patients.

'The result of this injury is the uncontrolled growth of white cells leading to a massive increase in their concentration in the blood, if not checked carefully.' The doctor continued.

Brenda could almost feel her parents nodding.

'Now unlike the acute state of the disease CML allows the development of mature white blood cells that generally can function normally. Now this distinction, specially in the early stages, is extremely important for possible treatments.

'Most cases of CML does occur in adults, but since you are still very young I think that, much like the disease in children, the outcome of a stem cell transplantation would probably have the preferable result, if not the only one that could ensure full recovery.' He paused and looked around.

'I understand.' Brenda said still watching the girl, but from the side of her vision seeing the doctor contemplating her. Then he continued, his voice more professional and less child like, he was getting down to serious business now.

'This transplantation is known as an Allogenic Transplant, that uses the marrow from a donos with the same tissue type. Now in several cases the doner is family, preferably a sister or brother, but if such is not available or the marrow doesn't match for some reason then the patient is placed on waiting list for a match in the National Marrow Donor Program registry of volunteers.' The doctor looked directly at Brenda and this time her head snapped back to face front and the doctor.

She felt Brandon start to say something but she shushed him.

Brenda nodded.

'Moving on, I would also suggest that you begin chemo therapy as soon as possible, preferably Monday.' Today was Friday. 'You will be reserved a room and checked in for the morning. Then depending on your bodies reaction to the treatment you may go home by the end of the session or remain here. Also I will write you up for some further tests and schedule a new appointment where we can discuss your progress.' The doctor ended his speech and looked around as if saying 'any questions?'.

As they were walking back through the corridor Brenda couldn't help thinking about the last parts of the conversation. Chemo therapy scared her, but transplantation did too. Mostly because she was so scared of the risks for the donor.

She had seen Brandon talk to their parents while she filled Dylan in on the situation, and she felt quite positive she knew what he was discussing, but she had yet not had the opportunity to confront him. She wanted to do that alone with him.

It was two thirty and someone suggested they head home. Brenda, who had come with Dylan, didn't really feel like being around anyone at all at the moment but didn't say anything before they were seated in their various cars again. She sat in the passenger seat of Dylan's new Porche when she thought of it.

'The beach.' She said almost only audible to herself.

'What?' Dylan asked as he started the engine.

She turned around looking at him. 'Could you take me to the beach? I just need to be somewhere else you know.' She asked.

He looked at her for a moment. 'Okay.' He agreed without any sign of wanting to argue with her.

She felt almost surprised by that, but nodded and sat back down in her seat, watching the other cars as they pulled out of the parking lot of LA General.

The drive was made in silence. Somewhere in between their destination and the hospital she sneaked her hand over his that was resting on the gear stick. He didn't say anything, or look at her, but simply took her hand in his and brought it up to his lips and softly pecked it. Then he placed the intertwined hands.

When they eventually pulled up to the next parking lot she was practically overwhelmed with the memories it held. So many days, and nights for that matter, that they had pulled up here and parked the old black Porche in the midst of other cars, moved down to the beach and spent the day there either surfing, having a picknick or just swimming or talking.

She remembered the summer when her parents had finally gotten serious with their disliking of her choice of boyfriend. She remembered that she had been wearing a pair of jeans shorts and a black bathing suite when they saw her. Brandon had come running and told her.

Then she had walked up there to be confronted by a nightmarish yelling match between herself and her father. Brandon had offered to go with her as moral support. She had declined. Dylan had offered to go with her to clear the air. She had again declined.

She didn't regret what had happened that day, or that she had later showed up with her bags packed to breaking point outside Dylan's home with pleading eyes.

She regretted where it went from there, that she shut the world outside and didn't deal. That she pushed her boyfriend away enough to make him run off into her best friends arms.

She regretted going to Paris maybe most of all, while at the same time knowing she might do the same if allowed to go back in time.

It had been an experience, that was for sure, and it had taught her the hard way to grow up.

The sounds of the engine died away into the cool air.

Dylan turned to watch her, having let go of her hand momentarily to turn the key.

'What do you want to do now?' he asked calmly.

'Walk… You don't have to come with me you know.' She said looking back at him.

'You know I'll come, and not out of pity but because I just can't imagine a better afternoon than throwing you in the freezing water without a wet suite.' He said with a devilish smile.

She gave him an 'I dare you' look.

'And I was kind of thinking that maybe we could try out some real surfing again, I've gotten better you know.' Brenda said lifting an eyebrow.

Dylan's laugh faded slightly, just a slight wrong step or loose of façade, and he looked at her with a strange expression.

'Don't worry D, I've been doing this before and I was still sick. Now a little bit of surfing is just what I need to cope with the situation, specially with telling everybody tonight.' She explained.

Her mind swirled remembering that tonight was the night. The gang would be at the Peach Pit on her request and she could inform the lot of them there. It would be casual, but not estranged so it would make them nervous beforehand.

'So we'll surf, but on one condition.' Dylan agreed.

'What?' she asked, a bit worried.

'I'll race you to the booths, looser pays for the boards.' He said and jumped out of the car

With a laugh she followed him. 'No fair!' she shouted as she took sight on his back and sprinted up the asphalt and was soon running in the smooth sands. They both collapsed laughing beside the beach shop and she reached out her hand to touch the wooden floor.

'I win.' She mocked and he shook his head.

'Nah, I was let you.'

That ensued a light punch from her, before he stood up and she sat straight.

'Hold on.' She requested as she begun un zipping the booths, and pulling up her jeans.

'We don't have swimming clothes?' Dylan said as if he had just noticed that.

'There's not many people around, and if I remember correctly you're a boxer kind of guy.' She smirked at the thought.

He blushed slightly and looked around as if worried someone might be watching him.

'What about you smart girl.' He said raising an eyebrow.

'I'm wearing black.' She said completely innocently and she could see him loose his face for the second time in a very short while. He opened and closed his mouth a few times.

'Stay here, do not move, and I'll get surf boards. Now, quickly.' He nodded to himself, started to walk in and then turned around as if to make sure something. 'Do not move.' He smiled and headed inside.

**A/N:** I hope you liked it. I've tried to check out the facts and diagnosis correctly, however I sincerely apologize if something didn't add up. Visithttp/ if you are interested to check up the disease more thoroughly. I recommend a visit, it could be good to know.


	4. Hush, hush Gentlemen

**Disclaimer: **All property of whoever owns them. Not mine. Do not make money now, do not intend to ever do so.. Well yeah maybe.. But at the moment I'm going all legal, nothing to worry about... The song is 'My skin' by Natalie Merchant, I highly reccomend it. its beautiful!

**Chapter summary: **Some times coming clean hurts, like hell. Some times burdens are better carried alone, and some times seeing pity in other people's eyes only makes things worse. Still people do what they must, Brenda talks and some times reactions are forgotten, aftermath ignored. What's more important? Goign down a hero, or goign down knowing you took a chance?

**A/N: **Hi, just wanted to thank you for all the wonderful reviews and for reading the story at all! I love you guys, thanks for that. Then I wanted to add some apologies about the fact that chronology and events don't seem to match up in this story right now. I will try to fix it, but when I wrote the first chapter, which was ages ago, I had no intention of taking the story where it is now. In fact there is a whole other scenario on my lap top. Maybe some day I will put it up as an alternative if anyone is interested. I have also begun scetching on a sequel so if anyone's interested then shout and let me know. That does not however equal that this story is coming close to its end, there are still about fifty chapters left so no worries there. )

Love, _DarkFlames_

**Hush, hush Gentlemen**

When darkness comes it is complete by the beach. It sweeps over you with an incredible force as the stars come up one by one and light their special little parts of the sky. Then at times, if you're really lucky, the moon shines a bright guiding light like a path.

Sometimes these lights mingle and if you're close enough you can actually see them hit the thundering surface of the water. As waves crash they reflect various shades of brilliant gray and yellow.

It's among the most beautiful things…

Brenda looked up from her thoughts and focused her eyes instead on the man who's arms she was wrapped securely in.

His face was passionate, burning, as he watched the ocean. His eyes were a guiding blue, soft and gentle with sparkle and intensity that only he seemed to have. His hair was pulled back, the two hundredth time his hands had swept through it she had almost laughed, but then again it was the same routine every day.

Still he made her laugh, whether consciously or not.

She felt his arms tighten their hold, and she gladly melted further into his embrace, enjoying the warmth of their bodies intertwined.

Another shade of beautiful, her beautiful, she thought as she watched him.

_Take a look at my body_

_Look at my hands_

_There's so much here that I don't understand_

_Your face-saving promises_

_Whispered like prayers_

Brandon was supposed to entertain the company until they showed up. Brenda felt bad for leaving him with such duties, but on the other hand she felt more comfortable and confident now than she would have, had she been locked up in her room with only her thoughts to keep her company all day long.

No words were needed as Dylan pulled up the car in the front lawn of casa Walsh.

Brenda recognized Steve's black ride, Val's car, David's and Donna's. She suspected the rest had come with those who had the fortune of having cars.

She couldn't catch sight of her brother's car, but suspected he had placed it in the garage.

It was strange how they could fit so many people in such a small house really.

Brandon and Brenda had the adjoined rooms, and Dylan had a small room downstairs. The Mr. and Mrs. Walsh's were staying in the master bedroom.

Steve was crashing in a room downstairs they had recently added, while Valerie had finally moved on from rooming with Brenda to the remodeled upstairs office.

It was a neat little combination they had going there, at least Brenda thought so, but it got increasingly more difficult to keep secrets.

As they stepped out Brenda realized that the grass was wet, it must have rained but she just hadn't noticed. Her clothes were still wet, but she didn't mind. She had planned on running up to get changed before making any announcements.

Dylan took hold of her hand, and she enjoyed the feeling. Their fingers weren't intertwined, it was more of a holding hands were holding was the main word. It was just the way they always did things. They had their little rituals, like when he would look down at her with that quick apologetic look in his eyes before letting go, even when they were extremely mad at each other. She loved that…

What was that? Loved? She shook her head, those thoughts were for later.

As they moved up to stand by the front door Dylan raised his free hand to turn the knob.

'Wait!'

Brenda didn't realize she had said the words before they were out of her mouth.

He paused and lowered his hand again.

'What's up?' he asked. There was another great thing about him, he didn't go for the 'what's wrong?' version.

'Thank you for today. You've… It's been amazing and I just…' he cut her off with a finger to her lips.

The thought had barely crossed her mind before something incredible happened. She was just beginning to form the sentence 'couldn't he have cut me off in any better way?' when Dylan leaned in and she tasted his salty chocolate lips against her dry ones.

The kiss wasn't passionate, but it was as intense as always with him, between them! It was soft, lingering, yet powerful, demanding from both directions. She could feel his warm breaths against her as they stood there moving to music only they could hear for a few minutes.

Then he pulled away with a shy smile, as if he had known all along precisely what effect that would have on her.

'Better now?' he asked, almost mockingly.

'Perfection.' She replied, as they entered.

The hallway was dimly lit, and laughter fluttered from the living room. With a long breath she turned back to him.

'I have to go up and change, are you?' she felt her voice fade, lack of words.

'Yeah, I have to go too. I'll tell Brandon we'll be down in a few.' Dylan replied with his hoarse voice.

Moments pass like sand through the hour glass, and we have no way of getting them back. When she walked back down there, entering the room a few minutes after Dylan she only saw darkness again.

The faces of her friends struck her like a fist in the boxing court. She felt her feet hit the floor as her body moved but forgot to look where she was headed. As if someone was leading her she ended up on a familiar place.

Dylan had been standing here, years ago now. His face had been sunken and his hair messy, while he denied accusations thrown against him, when he defied attempts of help.

He had been standing there when she watched him for the first time in six months, when he turned around and almost bumped into her. She had been silent for the longest time before he stuttered something and they kissed.

It was a strange sensation to be back here. The electricity of that time was similar, and once again she was here to persuade people things were going to be okay, only there would be bad news first and this time they weren't aware that it was coming.

'Hi, everyone.' She stared out rather un convincingly.

Kelly was smiling at her, as was Donna but Valerie looked like realization was already dawning over her. David and Noah were both rather confused, maybe even bored, but they were still alert. Nat nodded.

Steve wasn't looking straight at her, while Brandon and Dylan stood side by side eyes filling her with strength.

Her parents were behind them, looking proud for once. That if anything brought strength to her words.

'I know you are all a bit confused as to why you're here, and I just want to say thank you for coming.' Another moment of silence.

'No problem.' Donna said noticing her friends difficulty with finding the right sentences.

Brenda smiled back at her.

'Anyways, I um... This is just kind of hard, so bare with me.'

_I need the darkness, the sweetness, the sadness, the weakness_

_Oh I need this_

'I'm really sorry to tell you guys like this, but I couldn't think of any other way. Last week I got called to the doctor. Just a routine check up really.' Now faces begun to take on serious expressions, now reactions could begin.

'It was a follow up check after my cancer scare.'

Funny how the word cancer always has such an effect on people, she could swear she heard mumbling.

'I came out positive this time.'

Letting it sink in. There was no up roar, no suddenness, they just stared.

'I have a form of Leukemia called chronic myelogenous. Now I'm at an early stage, so they say it looks pretty good but I'll be starting chemo next week, so we'll just have to see.' Still nothing.

'Hold your horses people, not all at once.' She joked.

_Well, contempt loves the silence, it thrives in the dark_

_With fine winding tendrils that strangle the heart_

Then the unsettling noises begun. Talking, questions, clearing of throats. She almost laughed at David's expression, but realized this wasn't the time.

It's hard to describe what it feels like to be looked at that way. Pity mingled with rising panic, fright.

It feels like the your heart is breaking and mending at the same time as you see the people you love comprehending something about yourself that you never really wanted them to know, a burden you were determined to carry yourself.

'Oh my god.' Kelly's voice as she steps up.

Brenda feels her friends arms around her and it does feel very comforting, and she almost feels bad for liking it having just decided she didn't concent with putting this burden on these people.

'Did you guys know? You knew didn't you, that's why you've all been acting so strangely lately.' Valerie's piercing voice, Brenda could actually make out the tone of betrayal.

'Val, no it wasn't like that.' Brenda gently pushes away Kelly, and gives the blond a quick smile before turning to the brunett.

'Really?' the girl replies sarcastically.

'Why do you always have to make things about yourself Valerie?' Kelly again.

'I guess that's where we're alike Kel.' Val replies after a moment.

Brenda shivers, again feeling the cold. The reaction might seem strange, even wrong to the others but she knows why the other girl is doing it.

Valerie moves out of the room and it only takes seconds for the talking to be back, the questions hurled in her direction.

After several minutes of detailed answers and many hugs Brenda excuses herself and withdraws to 'use the bathroom'. No one will follow her then she knows, and heads up the stairs.

After a few steps in the right direction she halts and looks around briefly before bolting into the newest bedroom.

Valerie is watching her as she enters.

'I'm sorry.' The girl on the bed says after a moment.

'yeah, me too. You know I would have told you. I have my reasons.' It's always simple explaining things to her.

Valerie contemplates this for a moment.

'I know you did, do. I have mine too.' She looks up apologetically.

'Sure, I understand. Just know that I love you. I just didn't want to hurt you more when I didn't know all the facts.' Brenda says quietly, moving into the room a bit.

'And Steve? I understand you told Brandon, and even Dylan but Steve?' Valerie says looking towards the windows.

It's pitch black outside.

Brenda moves to the bed. 'Can I sit down?' she asks, almost in passing by.

'Sure, why not.' Valerie doesn't take her eyes off the outside.

'It pains me to say this, but he really just happened to be there. I juts got the first call about the blood tests, they didn't even know any details yet. I was shocked and I saw Brandon so it just kind of burst out of me. I didn't realize that he was there before… I didn't even see Dylan at the time.'

Kind words, tendrils that never fade.

_I'm a slow-dying flower_

_In the frost-killing hour_

_Sweet turning sour and untouchable_

It seemed like yesterday that they moved. Brandon was mocking her in the truck, and when they came up those stairs and ran into their separate rooms they were actually happy. It took them about five seconds to discover the bathroom, and each other. Adjoined rooms, how typical she had thought.

Quite childish considering the memories.

She had no regrets, none at all right now. She had pushed the edge several times and most of them Brandon had softened the fall.

Looking back it seems like it's time to face up to it.

Things were so different back then, everything made sense in some way although the world seemed to be out to get us.

High school in Beverly Hills, who would have thought.

The ball struck the back of her head.

'What? You're so dead!'

Brandon shrugged and ducked from the un coming pillow.

'There's been way too much drama around here lately, don't you think?' he asked her plopping down beside her on the bed.

'Yeah, I couldn't agree with you more.' She thought about their grand mother. 'You should go, see grand-ma.'

'Maybe… But I won't. I'm getting tested tomorrow.' He replied.

She turned around violently enough for her neck to make cracking noises.

'You're what?' she demanded.

'Transplant. You heard the doctor, siblings are the best donors. You just better take good care of my marrow.' He said raising a finger.

She almost fell off the bed laughing.

'Shut up!'

'I would, but that would mean listening to your music and it's really getting on my nerves. Really Brenda, that song again after all these years?' he asked.

'Yeah, I thought it would cheer me up!' she retorted.

He raised an eyebrow but didn't comment on the subject further.

'Do you ever wonder what it would have been like if dad never got promoted?' she asked.

He thought about the question for a while.

'Yeah, but not so much anymore.' It was a fair enough answer.

'I guess.' She agreed.

'Do you? Do you regret it?' he asked, watching her carefully.

She thought back on what had just gone through her brain.

'No. No regrets Brandon, none.' She turned to him and smiled.

'Okay then. Are you sure you're all right here? I could stay you know, just talk if you need.' He said.

'Thanks, but not tonight.' She said. Fair enough.

'Yeah, good night sis.' He stood up and bent down placing a gentle kiss on her forehead.

'Night.' She thought about her talk with Valerie earlier. 'Brandon?'

'Yeah?' he turned in the doorway.

'I love you.' She said quietly.

He walked back and hugged her tightly.

'I love you too sis.' He said and smiled. That smile never would change, not in high school and not years past that.

'Night.'

As he disappeared through the bathroom she listened to the click as the door shut. Then she stood. Desperate times allow desperate measures. Or was it all's fair in love and war?

_I need a lullaby, a kiss goodnight, angel, sweet love of my life_

_Oh I need this_

The stairs creek under her feet, but she can see the light from underneath the door of the 'hidden' bedroom that they called it. Before it had been the middle room from which you had access to the back yard.

With fast steps she closes the distance and raises her hand as if to knock. Then changes her mind with a smile playing on her lips.

Her night shirt is hanging off her arms and the pajama trousers have pictures of dancing teddy bears on them.

So basically, it's all about taking chances anyways, right?

'Hi.' The voice is still somewhat hoarse.

'Hi.' He croaks back. His lacking a shirt and his body relaxes at the sight of her.

'What do you know, I caught you at last MacKay.' Brenda jokes and points to cartoon on his bedside table.

He laughs. 'Well, it was worth it. You won't tell anyone will you?' he asks a matching smile playing on his lips, playing with her mind.

'That really depends.' She pulls the door shut behind her.

'We'll have to do something about that certainty issue.' He takes a step forward.

'Now what could that be?' she says innocently batting her eyes and following suit in moving towards him.

'Well, I have some ideas.' Another step, her mind is racing.

_Do you remember the way that you touched me before_

_All the trembling sweetness I loved and adored_

'Oh you do?' she says trying to cover the sounds of her heart beats that seem to echo through the room.

'Yeah I do.' They're in front of each other now.

_Your face-saving promises_

_Whispered liked prayers_

His eyes always fascinated her, the intensity, the way they matched the depths of the ocean. Maybe that's why he felt so as at home in the water.

'Let's see the magic work MacKay.'

'Mhm.' His mouth closes over hers.

Her hand shots out and her fingers swiftly flick the lights. Darkness prevails, but only momentarily. Then another light lights up the room.

_Well is it dark enough_

_Can you see me_

_Do you want me_

_Can you reach me_

_Oh, I'm leaving_

The hand that cups the back of her head and the moan that comes from her own lips. It all makes sense now.

Really in the end, we'll only have each other. Really, until then we should fight together.

'Are you sure?' he asks, trembling fingers from both parts roaming their bodies.

'Shut up and kiss me you fool.' She says and smiles.

'Always.'

And he tastes like copper and chocolate.

_Better shut your mouth, and hold your breath_

_You kiss me now, you catch your death_

_Oh, I mean this_

**A/N: Review please!**


	5. Dear readers

Dear readers,

I wanted to make sure you all knew how much I love and appreciate you and that every review and every number that increases upon someone reading my story makes my day. Thank you for all the amazing support, ideas, and warmth that you've brought.

Lately, as you may or may not have noticed, I have not been updating any stories despite my promises and I apologize. My life has taken some un-expected turns which have craved my attention more than the writing, sadly, but I am working hard to resolve all this and hopefully, at the latest, I will be able to not only start updating regularly but also wrap up several storylines during the spring.

I hope you will all remain with me through this process and keep reading and reviewing (or just feel free to e mail or write a review notice about whatever, I answer all those I can and find a return address to).

Thank you again for your support, you are all amazing,

All my love & be safe out there,

Darkflames/Petra


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