1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No Copyright infringement is intended.

Based on "Raw"

Slowly, almost hesitant Fin walked through the large corridors of the hospital, the fig shake clutched firmly in his hands. He felt uncomfortable here to say the least. With every step he took towards Johns room he was less convinced that he was doing the right thing, coming here when the case and everything around it where still that fresh and vivid in his memory. Too clearly he still remembered the fear when Olivia had told him what happened at court…

"_Fin!"_

_He knew immediately that something was wrong when Olivia hurried over to him. She was deathly pale and looked really shaken up._

"_What is it?" he demanded._

_Thereby he tried to ignore the part of himself that was already dreading these news even if he didn't have all the information's yet._

"_Kyle Ackermann opened fire at court…"_

_At that moment Fin had to admit that he was short of panicking. Thereby he simply needed to know that John was all right._

"_At the moment we are trying to figure out how he got the weapon in…"_

"_Liv…"_

_Despite his try to interrupt her and ask the question that was so vital to him she continued to talk._

"_After what I heard he had an accomplice and…" _

"_Olivia!"_

_Fin flinched at his own outburst, after all Olivia was one of the last persons who he could blame for all of this._

"_What?" bewildered she looked at him._

"_Are John and Elliot all right?"_

_In the few seconds he waited for her to answer him the tension became almost more than he could bear. The mere thought that something had happened to John…_

"_They both got shot Fin."_

"_What?" his voice was almost breaking at this point._

"_I don't know the details yet Fin. But I'm on my way to the hospital right now."_

_Without saying another word Fin took his jacket and quickly followed Olivia to her car…_

And now? Now he was walking through the hospital, too afraid of simply visiting John to see how he was doing. Hiding from him and all the feelings that were connected to it. Agitated Fin rubbed a hand over his face. When had he become such a coward? When had he started running from the one man he knew he could trust completely and without a second thought to it? With a deep sigh he sat into one of the visitors chairs which were scattered along the walls of the corridors. Shakily he took a breath and tried to relax and concentrate. Eventually he was here to see his partner and friend. Everything aside from that didn't matter right now. Slowly Fin took one calming breath and got up again. He was here to make sure that John was alright. Period.

When he saw Star Morrison, no now she was Dana Lewis, in Johns room he was tempted to leave again. Thereby he couldn't even explain why he didn't like her. Not because of all the insults she had said to him, that was for certain. He was a cop long enough and had been undercover himself too often to understand what she had to do and knew that it hadn't been her slant she had been telling them throughout the investigation. What he simply hated was the fact that there *were* nutcases out there who really believed in all of that racist crap…

"Detective Tutuola! I want to apologize…"

Maybe it was unfair but at the moment he didn't care what she had to say. And in his opinion she had nothing to be sorry for. Besides he had things on his mind that were more important at the moment. To Fins own surprise keeping his emotions in check was now one of them. Briefly he closed his eyes and tried to swallow the lump that was quickly forming in his throat.

"It's okay!"

Dana only smiled at him and left after that. At that moment Fin felt the something akin to panic rise in his chest. Thereby it wasn't even the first time that he was alone with John. But nonetheless he simply felt that it was different this time. Quickly he made his way over to the hospital bed and sat down on the edge.

"So where is it you got shot?"

"That would be… In the ass. You wanna kiss it and make it better?"

Fin came close to laughing out loud from sheer relief at that comment. It was strange but he had never thought that Johns sarcasm would sometime be reassuring.

"You be nice to me or you won't get the shake I smuggled in for you."

With shaking fingers Fin pulled the brown paper bag out of his jacket.

"Fig? From McGintys?"

"Of course!"

"Thanks man!"

Almost inaudibly Fin sighed at that statement. This was easier than he had thought it would be. This was Fin and Munch. This was something he could handle, after all he had been doing exactly this for five years now. In the meantime he simply knew how to push Johns buttons as much as the other way round. This was their usual banter, their way of showing concern, their form of partnership…

"Thank you for not making me have to break in another partner! I'm glad you pulled it trough bro!"

Yeah, that was bad ass cop Odafin Tutuola talking. The man who could get a confession out of a suspect with one hard look. And if he was honest with himself he needed it this way right now. He needed to be able to control the situation, to be able to hide behind his hard and gruff exterior. Because Fin felt that if this mask would slip away now he would lose it. And do something really stupid…

"Fin?"

The confusion was evident in John's voice. Only now he realized that he had been starring at an undefined spot on his pants for several minutes.

"What?"

"Is something wrong? Elliot is okay, isn't he?"

Silently Fin scolded himself for increasing Johns worries rather than diminishing them. Nervously he began to wring his fingers. The situation was spinning out of his hands and at the moment he had no idea what to do against it.

"Elliot is fine. Kyle Ackermann shot him in the arm and wanted to finish him off but Dana saved him. He will have his arm in a sling for a couple of weeks and after that he should be as good as new."

When John not only didn't answer to that but also starred at him with a deep frown on his brow Fin got more and more restless. The strange silence was beginning to wear him out. But Fin had to admit that his last defenses broke when John took his hand and laced their fingers together.

"I'm not going anywhere Fin. I'm right here."

Swallowing hard Fin looked up and met his eyes. The brown was filled with a mix of emotions that took him completely by surprise. Tiredness, pain, concern, sympathy, warmth and above all that was something Fin didn't want to examine to closely.

"Oda!"

Fin smiled shakily, it was weird but right now Johns voice was as warm as his eyes. And he didn't know his partner like this. Before he had always been the cynical and sarcastic conspiracy theorist who had grown on him. But now? Now nothing was like before and Fin wasn't used to this change. Hell, he wasn't even sure that he wanted this change. Because he simply felt that it would be irrevocable.

"Oda!" John repeated the short form of his name that hardly anybody used.

It was strange but for Fin it felt even more intimate between them when he did this. And with that there was the change in the situation that he had feared. Because this wasn't Fin and Munch anymore. This was now John and Oda. This wasn't something he could handle. It was too much…

And suddenly there were the tears. Hot, unwelcomed and extremely embarrassing. Despite that Fin couldn't do a single thing to stop them. The one thing he didn't expect however was the feeling of strong arms around his shoulders pulling him towards a strong chest. When he finally felt Johns heartbeat against his own Fin relaxed for the first time since he had learned what had happened.

"It's okay Fin! It's okay."

Never before had Johns voice sounded this soft, Fin shuddered at that. He didn't know how long he stayed in his arms nonetheless. What seemed like a lifetime later the tears subsided and he got calmer again. Hesitantly Fin pulled back a little bit, thereby he made sure not to lose the whole contact.

"I'm sorry John. I shouldn't have…"

The finger on his lips stopped him.

"You have no reason to be sorry for anything Fin."

"I… I think it was all a bit too much today."

Helplessly Fin waved his hand around to express how he felt at the moment. John only sighed at that.

"I know!"

Surprised he looked at him.

"Trust me Fin. I *know* how it feels."

With this he put his hand on Fins chest, directly over the bullet wound scar there. At that Fin gave him a smile.

"Were even now, aren't we?"

"Think so!" John took a deep breath. "Fin?"

"Hmm?" the low murmur was everything he was able to master because John was now absent-mindedly stroking the scar trough the fabric of his shirt and it took all of his willpower to not lean into the touch.

"I don't want to do this anymore."

"What?" questioningly he looked at him.

For a second John closed his eyes, visibly searching for the right words.

"When you were shot back then I really thought that I had lost you. That you would die on me before I had the chance to talk to you, to be finally honest with you. I was so close… But before I could do something about it we slipped back in our everyday life, in our routine and I lost the chance again. But today I realized something Fin. I can't go on like this. Life is so damn short and I don't want to wake up sometime and realize that I am too late…"

But he was distracted when Fin cupped his face between his hands.

"Do you ever shut up actually?" he wanted to know with a soft smile.

Before John could react Fin leaned in close and brought his lips to his…

*.*.*.*

Yawning Olivia walked along the corridor to Johns room, hoping that he was still up. Here visit with Elliot had taken her longer than she had expected it to. Even if she still wasn't really able to get her head around what he had told her. He and Kathy were getting a divorce, she had already left him and taken the children along. Thereby she had always thought that Elliot and his wife were some kind of role model for everyone around them. A happily married couple and a bunch of great kids, like the family she had always longed for. And now they were separating. Almost aggressively she rubbed the hands over her face. There were times when she wondered what their job really did to them and how it interfered with their personal lives. On a few occasions she had even asked herself whether it was worth it. But nonetheless she knew that she did the right thing be getting the perps of the street. Silently she sighed. Today had been a close call again but despite that she had the feeling that they all were lucky. Sure, Elliot would have his arm in a sling and John wouldn't be able to sit properly for the next weeks. But at least no one from them had been killed. And that was what mattered the most. She would be able to argue with Elliot over their cases and be irritated by Johns rambling about yet another conspiracy plotted by the government. That thought alone got Olivia to smile. Yeah, being a cop was always dangerous but when the days ended with everybody of them alive it wasn't that bad…

Finally she stood in front of the door to Johns room, tentative she knocked there and waited for an answer. Only when she didn't get one she slowly opened it and looked inside. However she hadn't expected what she found there. John lay on his bed, sound asleep, but what surprised her the most was that he wasn't alone. Fin was cuddled up to him, from what she saw his ear placed over Johns heart. His arm wrapped protectively around his waist, the both of them looking completely at peace. As silently as she had opened the door Olivia shut it again. Yeah, this past day was now really looking better than it had before. Relieved that everything would be all right for her friends she left the hospital to drive home. Right into a new day…


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No Copyright infringement is intended.

Thank you all so much for the reviews I got! I'm glad you liked my story and hope that you have fun with the new one! Greetings, Storyteller

Based on "Haunted":

Slowly they stumbled back, their lips pressed together in a desperate kiss. Only when the back of Fins knees hit the frame of the bed they stopped. For long moments Fin and John simply stood there and stared at each other unsure of what would come next. Actually there shouldn't be a question about that; they had always known what they wanted. And they had been satisfied with the situation as it was. Occasionally they would spend the nights together. Simply when the need to feel something *good* became too great and they weren't be able to ignore it any longer. And until now the theory of 'no strings attached' had worked pretty well for them…

The more so because no one of them had ever talked about the nights they had spent cuddled up on Johns couch, talking quietly about everything and nothing.

The nights they fell asleep in the arms of one another.

The nights they lay on Johns couch, he in his arms, and listened to the other breathing until they were able to go to sleep.

The nights John just held Fin close when a case hit a bit too close to home and all his thoughts were with Ken and his wellbeing.

The nights when Fin listened to John rant about the unfairness of the world when they had been too late to save their victim. And after he had exhausted like himself like that would hug him and hold him close to chase away the demons lurking in the shadows.

And now they were here together and alive.

After the shooting at the bodega.

After hours of worry for Fin and hatred towards the media.

After the desperate but luckily successful attempt to clear Fin and his reputation.

After the madness that he threw himself back into work after only a couple of weeks of leave.

After the many sleepless nights John had suffered because of that.

After finding out about the fate of Tricia Knowles to put an end to 'unfinished business'.

After the search for Austin to rescue an innocent child and give his grandmother the closure she needed and deserved.

So actually they could just be content with their lives. But despite that there was something that seemed to hold them back.

"What are we doing here Fin?" John quietly asked.

Suddenly he felt extremely tired and exhausted, the last weeks finally catching up to him.

"I thought that it was very obvious what we're doing." Fin replied.

But his words lacked of any heat that John was used to hearing from him. Finally he sighed, closed his eyes and sat down heavily on the bed.

"What do you want me to say?"

"I don't *want* you to say anything on my behalf!" John grumbled.

However he was surprised when Fin took his hand and pulled him down to sit next to him. For long moments they sat there, stared into the darkness of the evening and listened to each other's breathing. John sighed at that, somehow the silence between him and Fin had something familiar because they had never talked much, both of them reluctant to share anything personal, afraid of getting hurt again. And now he had to admit that he knew almost nothing about his own partner. Fin was more or less a complete stranger. Everything he knew was that he had been married a long time ago and had a son with whom he was estranged. Maybe that was the thing that made them function so perfectly. There was no need to talk; they both were Detectives with SVU. So they knew what life the other was living and understood it.

"This is all so fucked up." Fin suddenly murmured.

Slowly he rubbed his hands over his face and then his head. For a moment John was under the impression that he could see the same weariness he felt in Fins eyes.

"What is?" John asked softly.

Not entirely sure if it would be a good moment to pry the details out of Fin.

"Everything! My life… This situation… Me and Ken… The two of us… Simply everything!"

"Fin…" John began slowly but stopped quickly when he realized he had nothing to answer.

Seemingly at his wits end Fin buried his head in his hands. Because of that John could hardly make out what he was saying next.

"Kwasi… Oh, I forgot. No one calls him like that besides me. Ken. Do you know what he told me at the hospital when he was there to visit?"

At the sad undertone in Fins voice John almost dreaded to hear what they had said to each other. He himself had only seen Olivia and a young man, from whom he knew now that it was Ken, arrive at Fins room. And after less than a minute he had left again, John could still recall the strange look on his face. Barely hidden satisfaction and deep pain.

"What did he tell you?"

Slowly John lifted his hand to put it on Fins shoulder. But at the last moment he hesitated, not sure that the contact would be welcome. So he let it hover in the air, undecided what he should do. Before Fin continued to talk he sighed sadly. Strangely that was everything John needed to understand that the encounter of the two had really gone wrong.

"When Olivia brought him into the room… I was so glad… I thought he came for me. To check up on me… To show his support… To be there… Or whatever. I was just so damn happy that he was *there*. But as soon as Cragen and Olivia left he showed how uncomfortable he truly was with the whole situation. And after a few seconds he turned to leave again. So I asked him…" Fins voice wavered and he had to clear his throat. "That's possibly not true. I *begged* him to stay for a bit…"

John only closed his eyes at that revelation. The pain he could here in Fins voice made it difficult to breath around the lump that had formed in his throat. Only when he talked again he focused his attention on Fin again.

"Then he… he looked at me and asked 'Why? You're not dying.'" Fin exhaled shakily while he was wringing his hands.

"Oh Fin…"

Without thinking about it now John only wrapped his arms around him and pulled him against his chest. At first he could feel how Fin tensed at the touch, but slowly he relaxed against him. For uncounted minutes they just sat on the bed like this. John simply held Fin who was trying to get his composure back. Slowly John began to rub soothing circles on Fins back. The only response he got at that was a muffled sigh from Fin.

But John had to admit that he had far more problems to process what Fin had told him. How could Ken hurt his father like that? Willingly? Yeah, he knew that the two of them didn't have the best relationship but to tell him indirectly that he would have stayed with him if he was going to die was just cruel and unnecessary. Despite that John had to admit that Kens look at the hospital made sense now. It was the satisfaction that he had paid Fin back for not being the father he wanted him to be and the pain that he had hurt him so badly.

"He just walked out on me after he said that. Opened the door and left again. Thereby… I know that I wasn't a good father to him. I made huge mistakes. I put my job in front of my family. But I can't undo that John, I simply can't."

For long minutes John sat beside him and simply watched him, unable to find something, anything, to say that would make Fin feel better. But he simply knew that there wasn't anything that would take away the pain he was feeling right now. Fin had more or less lost his son because both of them weren't able to overlook their past and start anew. And there was no way for John to make that right again…

"You both can't just forget your past Fin. But you are father and son. And no matter how far away from each other you seem to be right now… There will always be a way to bring you together again."

At that Fin smiled lightly and closed his eyes. John only watched him, happy about the fact that he had put the smile there.

"You know that doesn't sound like the John Munch I know at all, right?" Fin suddenly murmured.

"Maybe there is a part to me you don't know anything about yet." he gave back.

"Yeah I know, buried under the whole conspiracy theorist exterior is a very sensitive and deeply loving man who cares a lot about his friends and searches for someone who is willing to commit to him. And doesn't dump him in the end no matter how hard it might be to stick around."

Irritated John knit his brows.

"I was being serious."

"Me too." Fin replied honestly.

"In that case you are severely mistaken. You must have confused me with someone who is…"

John abruptly stopped when his gaze fell on Fin. He was still sitting on the bed and watching him, thereby a soft smile grazed his lips.

"What?" he snapped.

"Cragen told me that you were at the hospital for the whole time I was in surgery. So don't try to talk yourself out of it. I know you care."

At that statement John let his head fall forward, he was able to realize it when he had no arguments left. But he would have to talk to Don about letting this information slip.

"What did you expect Fin? You are my partner! And… And a very good friend and I… Damn it!"

Agitated John got up from the bed and walked over to the window. For uncounted minutes he just stood there and stared out.

"You scared me." he finally admitted.

"Scared myself. I was sure that I would die in that bodega. That after all the danger I put up with in Narcotics I used up all the luck I had and the job would finally kill me."

Shocked John didn't really have an answer. The vivid picture of Fin lying on one of Warners tables burned through his heart and made it hard to breathe or think straight. Heavily he leaned his head against the window frame.

"When Liv called… She was a mess… Elliot needed to calm her down over the phone so he could find out what had happened. And when he did? I… I felt nothing. I just sat there, at my desk and stared at the door. Fully believing that there was some kind of mix up and you would enter the squad room at any second, bitching about the night you just wasted on a stakeout that got no results. Only when Don and Elliot dragged me along to the hospital I slowly understood what had happened…" after he stopped John was breathing heavily.

At least he fought to keep the tears at bay that threatened to fall at the mere memory of these hours. After he had revealed so much, a lot more than he had intended to, he refused to give up the last bit of his dignity by crying in front of Fin.

"And by the way, Don can't really say anything about me. He was there the whole time too. First he took Elliot to take a look at the… the crime scene, because I didn't want to leave. And after that he came back and waited with me till we got the word that you were out of surgery."

At that revelation Fin didn't know what to answer even if it explained a lot. Cragen had looked tired and worn out when he had come to see him. Back then he had assumed that the situation was very hard on him; the investigation of everything that took place in the bodega, the media, probably the Chief would be in on it too. But right now he understood that it had been the fear for him that had kept him on edge…

Again the silence fell over them, the two of them lost in their own thoughts. Only when Fin looked up again he saw the moist tracks on Johns face. Seemingly he hadn't even noticed them yet, speechless Fin stared at him. For a few seconds he pondered what wore John out like that, because he had never seen him that upset. Angrily he shook his head; there were times when he hated himself for not being better with personal stuff.

"John?" he asked and got up slowly to face him.

Carefully he reached out and put his hand on his cheek, there he brushed away the tears.

"What is it? You can tell me."

To his surprise John only took a step back at that, breaking the contact between them. Then he shook his head.

"No! No, I can't Fin."

Confused he looked at him, not sure how to answer that.

"Why shouldn't you?"

"Damn it Fin!" suddenly angry John punched his fist against the nearest wall. "We and this *thing* between us… we never were anything special! For all the time we were nothing more than two cops who hardly were friends and only came together when they wanted to *feel* again! We never talked, at least not about things that really mattered. Right now I have to admit that I don't know you at all! And after the concept of 'no strings attached' worked out pretty well for the two of us and our inability to open up never was an issue, you tell me to talk to you?"

After his sad monologue John only looked at Fin, ready to be thrown out. But to his surprise he saw something akin to pain and defeat flicker in his brown eyes. Taken aback he only blinked, not sure if he was imagining things or not.

"So that's how you think of us? As friends with benefits?" now the pain was in Fins voice too.

John swallowed thickly at that.

"Why should I consider all of this as something different?"

The change in Fins demeanor came quickly but John immediately saw it. There was now an edge in his posture that he only saw when they interrogated suspects together.

"Fin…"

"So that is why you didn't even visit me when I was at the hospital? Because all Cragen ever told me was that you stayed there till I came out of surgery. But after that? He didn't see you around anymore."

Surprised by the sudden change in topic John needed a few seconds to think of an appropriate answer. He could hardly explain to Fin that he had gone home and had fallen on his bed, where he had hugged the spare pillow, which Fin always used, to his chest because it still smelled like him. And by no means he would ever tell him that he had cried himself to sleep that night. Finally he decided that a part of the truth was his best choice.

"I was there."

"What?" unbelievingly Fin looked at him.

"Talked the nurse who was in charge into granting me access to your room while you were sleeping of the anesthesia."

For long moments John was lost in his dark thoughts again, unable to forget the few minutes he had spent at Fins bedside.

_There were times when John couldn't believe his luck. It had been so damn easy to talk the young nurse into granting him access to the ICU and finally Fins room. Thereby he didn't even know why she had let him into the ward. Maybe it was the badge on his belt. Maybe it was the nonsense he babbled over the whole time. Maybe it was that the desperation he felt was visible on his face. Or something entirely different…_

_Whatever it was, John didn't really care. He just wanted to see Fin and he would do everything in his power to make sure of that. But after everything that had happened John didn't expect one thing. That he wouldn't be able to handle the situation. He only realized it when he was already in the room, staring at Fin. Sedated by the drugs the doctors had given him, a white bandage around his torso, hooked up to several machines, an IV in the back of his hand and paler than John had ever seen him…_

_Suddenly the room started to spin and John had to hold onto the bed rail to steady himself._

"_Fin!" he whispered._

_Shocked by the fact that his voice sounded unbelievably hoarse John cleared his throat and took a deep breath._

"_You know that you can't do this, right?"_

_For a moment John only watched the rise and fall of Fins chest and tried to compose himself._

"_You know that you can't die on my, right? I won't let you do that! Would ruin my reputation as a partner, you know? Every single one of the partners I had since I joined SVU left me behind. Brian transferred to Narcotics and Jeffries quit. Doesn't matter that she is now working for the Vice Unit. No one wanted to stick around. Sometimes I think that it's because of me. I know that I'm not always easy to work with… But… " for a few seconds John only stood by Fins bed and watched him._

_He was breathing heavily and in the meantime he was close to tears. It took all of his willpower to keep them at bay._

"_It was always different with you Fin." he whispered. "I know that we didn't really hit it off from the beginning. But in the meantime I can't imagine my life without you. Sounds unbelievably sappy, I know. Especially after we both agreed to 'no strings attached' to this thing we have. But I have to admit that I did something really stupid Fin. Something I didn't think I would do ever again. I let myself fall in love."_

_Slowly John let go of the bed rail and took the few steps to face Fin. Tenderly he cupped his cheek and stroked his thumb over the skin there._

"_I love you Fin! I love you so much! And I need you to wake up so I can confess to you and you can laugh at me for not understanding what 'no strings attached' means."_

_For long minutes John simply stood at Fins bed, one hand carefully placed over his heart and revealing in the fact that he could feel a strong beat under his fingers. Only when the door to the room was opened John quickly dropped his hand and tried to compose himself. Shortly after a nurse stepped into the room, surprised she looked at him._

"_What are you doing here?" she wanted to know._

"_Visiting!" he gave back._

_Sympathetically she smiled at him and nodded._

"_You should go now. Detective Tutuola needs to rest."_

_After that she started to check Fins vitals and wrote them down in her chart. John quickly took one of his hands and squeezed them lightly._

"_Don't die on me!" he whispered when he left the room._

_Once he was outside again he barely made it back to his car before the tears finally came. For uncounted minutes he just sat there and cried. Sometimes even mixed with silent prayers that Fin would be alright…_

"Then I didn't dream that!" Fin suddenly mumbled.

Snatched from his thoughts John only starred at him.

"What do you mean?"

"There are a few things I remember after getting shot. A lot of it is blurry but there are a few things I still know clearly. One is Olivia back at the bodega, she begged me to stay with her. Another one is from the hospital, I can't tell when it was, but despite the circumstances I sensed that there was someone I knew with me. That person talked to me and touched me, I could feel that. Because of the drugs and everything I dismissed the idea that anyone apart from the nurses and doctors would have been there. I thought that I dreamt that."

"Obviously you didn't."

Tiredly Fin rubbed his hands over his head.

"Would you answer me one question John?"

"Sure!"

But even at that moment he wasn't sure whether he had made a mistake or not, because there was a strange light in Fins eyes.

"Why didn't you come to see me when I was awake again?"

At that question John swallowed hard, when he answered he avoided to look at Fin.

"I didn't know if I would be welcome." his voice was only slightly above a whisper.

"What? You're kidding me right? Why shouldn't you be welcome?"

Sharply John looked away at that question.

"I felt guilty Fin! The whole time I asked myself over and over again if there was something I could have done to prevent all this. Maybe when I hadn't let you talk me into taking a nap in the crib instead of going with you…"

"You needed to sleep John." Fin replied matter-of-factly.

"I just thought that I had failed you somehow."

Unbelievingly Fin only gaped at him. Before he could stop himself he grabbed John by the shoulders and looked him in the eyes.

"When I woke up everything I longed for was that you would be somewhere around! And now you tell me that you didn't want to see me because you were afraid that I would somehow blame you?"

But John hardly reacted on the accusation; in fact he slowly reached out and removed the hands. Then he took Fins and held onto them for dear life.

"Damn it Fin! I know that we agreed that everything between us was meant to be easy and without any promises. But when I woke up in your arms for the first time it was clear in my mind that I wouldn't be able to think about it that way. Sure, rationally I could tell myself that you were nothing more than a dear friend. But here?" frantically John pointed at his heart while he spoke. "You are everything to me Fin! Everything! Over the years you became the center of my world! I know that it was stupid to let me fall in love but I couldn't help it! And despite that I wouldn't change a thing! Because I never felt more alive than I did in the months we had together. But when we were informed that you woke up? Everything I could think of was that you would be angry at me and leave me behind now. And that was something I couldn't face Fin." breathing heavily John stopped talking after that.

"That's messed up even for you." Fin only answered.

At that moment he didn't hesitate anymore, slowly he pulled John in his arms and held him tightly. With every moment he could fell how he relaxed.

"I'm sorry Fin. I never wanted you to think that I didn't care or something like that." John suddenly mumbled.

"It's okay!"

After that he held him a little bit tighter, simply to show John physically that he was there with him and wouldn't leave. But at that moment he realized something entirely different. John had admitted that he was in love with him!

"You love me?" he asked dumbfounded.

John only nodded at that and duck his head. Fin only stared at him, unable to comprehend what he had just heard. Maybe it was the fact that he had almost died or that he had discovered that life could be really short, but at that moment Fin simply knew that he wouldn't hide anymore.

"I love you too!" he blurted out before he was able to stop himself.

The kiss that followed his declaration was somehow different from all the others they had shared before, maybe it was really the truth that a kiss had the power to bind the souls of two people together. However Fin couldn't name his thoughts but he felt them and he simply knew that John did too…

*.*.*.*.*.*.*

Hours later Fin lay on his bed, starring at the ceiling. John was sound asleep, his head on Fins chest. But he simply couldn't fall asleep; too much was on his mind. The past, the present and the future, everything mixed into one big chaos.

Slowly he lifted his hand and stroked it over Johns head, the touch and the contact soothing him. Briefly he smiled when he shifted and leaned into it. And he had come so damn close to losing all of this; his life and John. For good.

Tentatively he reached down and ran his fingers over the red mark on his chest. It was still difficult to look at it or touch it. Thereby he didn't have problems with the scars on his body. They were a part of him now, nothing more nothing less. It simply was a part of the job, a job that had left his mark on him more than once. Physically as well as emotionally.

But now? Now he lay on his bed, unable to find any rest because he was constantly thinking about this one scar on his chest. The angry red mark there was still visible. And this time he hated it, hated it with everything he was. Because it showed him with brutal clarity that he was mortal. And right now this thought was the last thing he needed. Not now when he had, for the first time in the last years, the feeling that he was really living his life and not just enduring the days given to him…

Sure, being a cop was dangerous and deep down Fin just knew that every day could be his last one. But in the last years he had simply pushed that knowledge to the back of his mind. And when he was honest it hadn't really mattered anyway. His marriage had failed a long time ago and his son wanted nothing to do with him. So there was nobody left who would have cared.

Fin shook his head at these thoughts. Sometimes he still couldn't believe how morbid his view had been only a few months back. Right now he *wanted* to live, more than anything before. Because everything that happened made one thing clear to him. All the things he had experienced in his life had been worth it to reach this point.

Slowly Fin closed his eyes and snuggled up to John even more. He sighed quietly when he felt the warmth radiating from him.

"Love you!" he mumbled.

Only a few seconds later Fin finally fell asleep. Content with the knowledge that their joined future would lay in front of them…


End file.
