Alias 1. Are You Happy Now

He didn't know what to say.  
  
His lover, wife and friend had just turned on him, turned because of suspicions raised by her friends. He had from the first moment on accepted that these two men, who seemed to think they were her protectors, would never be his friends. They, as opposed to her, weren't willing to forget the past, his past to be more precise. So, they had always been her friends, and it hadn't bothered him that they hated him as fervently as they loved her.  
  
He had always trusted her, that she would not let somebody influence her, when it came down to him. He had known she was strong enough to take care of herself, and to maker her very own decisions, like being with him, without anybody else interfering in it, but now she had done just that.  
  
She had let her friends influence her, had let them manipulate her, had let them flood her with wrong intel, had let them into their private life, and it all came down to betraying him.  
  
He registered that she was crying, holding the compromising and unbelievably thick folder in her hand. His heart wanted to rush to her side, comfort her, but he knew that his arms weren't welcome anymore.  
  
She was speaking to him, he suddenly realised. If it was true. He still couldn't believe that she would not trust him, after all this years, she now suddenly believed documents she had gotten from those two "persons", but of course they were her friends. He wanted to scream, yell at her "Am I not your friend, your lover, your husband. Why believe them over me, why?" He was desperate, but he didn't let it show. She was the one who pushed him back into the persona he had left behind so long ago. She wanted this, fine, he would once again become uncaring and heartless. She didn't seem to care anymore to look behind this façade.  
  
She had started yelling now, and still all he could do was, standing there, looking at her, as if he didn't care. If she would only now take a second to look him in the eyes, she had always read everything in his eyes, then she had to see the truth. He felt sick and she didn't look once, too busy with yelling at him.  
  
He only heard fragments "How can you" "I trusted you" "I hate you" "You sick bastard" "Biggest mistake in my life" "Were right from the beginning" "Am so stupid" "Say something" "Say something" "SARK, SAY SOMETHING"  
  
Which did it, "Sark", those four letters, he knew he couldn't stay after she called him that, knew if he wanted to survive this, he had to get back to just this, being "Sark" She would never trust him again, that much he knew, and he didn't think he could forgive her for shattering everything to pieces, basing herself on documents, she hadn't even bothered to check; maybe after all what they had had, hadn't been so strong. He had made a wrong judgement, when he had thought their love, or whatever it was, was worth giving everything up, changing completely, letting somebody in, getting attached, and now getting hurt.  
  
As if waking up from a daze, dismissing her yelling, he said "I think I will leave now." And with those words, he turned around and stepped away, stepped away from his life with her, from an honest life. She would never know the truth now, know that he had nothing to do with the crimes he was accused of in this folder. Going down the stairs, he once again assumed his old self.  
  
She had made him more than just Mr. Sark, and now had reduced him back to it. He wasn't going to deceive her, it was all he could do to stay sane.  
  
"Are you happy now?" he whispered in the silence before vanishing around the corner of the street.  
  
******************  
  
I don't really know where this came from, whether it makes any sense, whether it's good or bad, plausible or not, I just had to write it down. Inspired by "Are you happy now" from Michelle Branch, I guess, because I was listening to the song for at least the twentieth (?) time, when the idea popped into my head. Go ahead and read the sequel, it's called SHE; id: 1465514 


	2. She

He was a mercenary again.  
  
Had love replaced the ever-present urge for some accomplishment, it was now exactly the other way around. The urge, the search for the thrill and the feeling of satisfaction, again he only found those doing dangerous missions. Again he had to be on his guards twenty-four hours a day, but sometimes doubts crept up in him, whether he was always alert because of a possible danger, or because he didn't allow himself to think about it, about her, about them.  
  
Even now, two years after his departure he still wasn't able to think about his short past as an honest man, for fear of turning insane. Continuous work gave him the feeling of having regained everything he had given up before. He wanted to believe that he was once again Sark, but even he couldn't fool himself into oblivion. Deep inside, his heart ached and he couldn't shake the feelings, feelings he had acquired while being in love, feelings that made him feel and act human and weak on occasions.  
  
He hadn't been able to kill that lady, when he saw a little boy holding tight onto her hand, hadn't been able to kill the youngster tussling in the garden with his little Beagle. Before he would have registered the child and the happy laughter of the teen while playing with his dog, but he would have dismissed it as fast as he had noticed it. Not anymore.  
  
Dismissing and ignoring weren't possible anymore. She had spent so many days making him aware of such details, that he had finally started paying attention to them and even find a smile for them. And he couldn't get rid of it.  
  
His employers weren't happy at all, but he didn't care. It was only a danger more he had to be aware of all the time and which kept him from thinking about her and their past.  
  
He wondered when he would meet her on a mission. He had been surprised, positively or not, he couldn't decide, that he hadn't yet had an encounter with her. They had met so often before, but for the last two years, he hadn't seen a single hair of her. Which was just fine by him, because he wasn't as delusional as to think he could hit her, or pull the trigger if necessary. Whether it was the same case for her, he doubted it.  
  
He didn't keep tabs on her, he couldn't have. He wanted to cut her out of his thoughts, out of his live, out of his past, but she had marked him. She was always present and every day he hated himself a bit more for not being able to shake her off.  
  
If he saw her again, what would happen? Subconsciously he wished she had checked those files, whished that she had said goodbye to her "friends", who wouldn't even let her be happy. He couldn't make himself check this though, he lived in ignorance, tired of hurting, tired of feeling weak.  
  
All Sark wanted was closure, so that he could finally be himself again. As soon as he had decided this, he sat down in front of his computer to find out where she currently was.  
  
In their apartment. Still living in the place they had bought together, saying that it was the closest they could get to being a normal couple. At that time, they had laughed together. Standing on front of their door, no, her door, he hesitated. He wasn't sure that in order to find closure, he should meet her again. She would probably aim a gun at him, tell him to leave if he was lucky.  
  
He ringed the bell; seconds later she opened the door.  
  
Her eyes widened and filled with tears and all he could think was "She is the one".  
  
**********  
  
I don't know if it's any good. In fact a sequel wasn't planned, but Mrs. Curly wrote me such a sweet review, that I wanted to try at least. It's yet again inspired by a song, I listen to too much music. It's from Prime STH and called "She". If you can download it, do it, and listen to the text, it's just so fitting for Syd and Sark (in my dreams anyway ;) ) 


	3. No One

"Nathaniel" she whispered incredulously "it's really you, oh my God."  
  
He was still looking at her without blinking and although he had come for closure, he couldn't think about a reason for that now, couldn't think about why he would want to walk away from her again. If she still believed them over him, he would convince her of the opposite and if it was the last thing he would do.  
  
He watched a single tear running down her cheek to rest just beneath her chin. Slowly he reached out his hand to capture it with his index finger. When he drew back his hand, he lightly caressed her cheek.  
  
"How can you still, after all I've done, look at me like that?"  
  
He thought about her question for a mere second, thought that he would like to give her an elaborate explanation, thought that he wanted to tell her about the fear, the emptiness, the pain, the depression he went through when she wasn't close to him, but it all came down to one feeling, to one word, one sentence.  
  
"Love. I love you."  
  
And then she asked him to forgive her, that she had been stupid to simply believe them, that she couldn't understand now how she could ever have doubted him, that she wanted him back.  
  
He watched her silently, not ready to tell her what he had to say, not ready to really hurt her for the first time, not ready to leave her again. His mind raged, but he knew he had no other choice. He had lived the life she had suspected him off for the last two years, and although he wished he had never gone back to it, now that he had seen that she believed him, he couldn't turn back time.  
  
He had never thought she would welcome him into her arms again when he came back, he had expected hate, anger, a fight, a gun and handcuffs. He would have given in, he was tired of being torn between two personalities, tired of being both Sark and Nathaniel.  
  
He should have expected this though, she had always surprised him with her reactions. But maybe his mind and heart had simply closed down to the possibility that she would take him back, in a pure act of survival instinct. He reckoned it would have killed him if he had known beforehand that this situation could come up.  
  
He wanted to touch her so badly, wanted to feel her in his arms again, to touch her hair again, to smell her unique scent again, to taste her smooth skin again, to hear the sweet nothings, she used to whisper in his ear while they were making love, again, to look into her eyes, deep down into her soul, again. But he wouldn't, not ever again.  
  
And he told her, told her that he had done all that she had accused him off, only he had done it after he had left her. He asked her, how she could want him back after this, she had accepted a criminal once, she couldn't seriously accept him again, not after deliberately doing what she despised, after doing what had destroyed everything in the first place.  
  
And then he realized, he watched as the surprise, the disbelief rushed into her eyes, all over her face; she didn't know he had taken up his old identity again.  
  
Again the tears welled up in her face as he told her what he had done in the past two years, and when he told her at the end, that he had come for closure, that he needed it to get on with his life, that he couldn't live like this, that it had to be either Sark or Nathaniel, and that it could obviously only be Sark, all she did was whisper why this happened to them, why this couldn't happen to someone else.  
  
He only knew a single answer tot hat question.  
  
"No one. It should happen to no one." 


	4. Don't Leave

Chapter 4 - Don't Leave  
  
So he did, what he shouldn't have done two years ago, but needed to do this time, he turned around and left.  
  
He was heartbroken. Everything seemed even more difficult now, he had thought that after seeing her for one last time, he could finally breather freely again, but somehow it was just the opposite. He felt like he would get a panic attack soon, although he had gotten rid of those years ago, when he was still a boy.  
  
He used to get those easily, but his mentor had made him get rid of them, so he had done exactly as she had ordered, because he would never have risked annoying her then.  
  
"Bloody woman" he thought angrily, trying to compartmentalize his feelings. Anger was better than the utter devastation, the weariness, the void he felt right then.  
  
Thoughts rushed through his head at high speed, and although they weren't genuine, nor honest, nor true, he relished in them.  
  
'I don't want her to forgive me.' 'I'm glad with the life I have.' 'I can get all the women I want, who needs that stubborn mule.' 'I'm far better of without her.' 'I was born for this, not for being a bloody husband.' 'I don't care.' 'I couldn't care less.' 'I will leave her in her misery, after all she deserves it.' 'She betrayed me and I hate her for it.'  
  
It was all he could cling to and what kept him from getting his gun out and shooting himself right there where he was standing, in the middle of a park, in the darkness, alone.  
  
Why had she been willing to take him back; he had been prepared for everything, just not this. He could have dealt with insults, even with a gun, but not with tears and raw love.  
  
He knew he must look ridiculous, standing in a park at night, panting as if he'd just run a marathon, eyes pinched close, face contorted into a grimace of despair, anger, pain, devastation and hopelessness. He was so focused on trying to win control over himself again, that he didn't hear her coming up from behind. Only when she laid a hand onto his shoulder did he realize someone was standing behind him, and in a matter of milliseconds he had jerked around, taken out his gun while lifting his left fist to punch his opponent in the face. Only then he realized it was her and his arms fell limply to his sides.  
  
When he focused on her face and on her eyes, he saw the same emotions he felt reflected in hers. And for the first time in two years, she too looked intently into his eyes. He could feel how she bore deep into his soul with one intent look and he knew what she found. The same sadness that filled her eyes.  
  
She was so perfect; she felt, smelled, looked so right for him and he couldn't imagine how he would live without her for one more minute. He had done it already and it had been hell. Seeing her again hadn't been such a good idea after all; he felt even more unsettled an unable to get on with his life than before.  
  
But he also knew that he had to be strong, for both of them. Her life was complicated enough without adding a re-wanted terrorist to her life.  
  
"It doesn't matter what you have done, I just want you back. Without you my life is only a pathetic excuse, without you I'm only existing, not living. I need you, Nathaniel."  
  
"I can't do that to you." He heard himself say.  
  
"Don't leave, Nathaniel, please."  
  
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Songtitle is "Don't leave" from Faithless. I hope you enjoy. If you review, I'll update tomorrow *evilgrin* 


	5. Best I Ever Had

**Chapter 5 – Best I Ever Had**

How he had longed to hear those words, she had said all he could possibly wish for, but he knew she wasn't being honest with herself, knew that in the end she would destroy herself, she would feel to guilty, and her conscience would never allow her to enjoy life running from the CIA, the British Intelligence among many other enemies. He wouldn't get a new amnesty, he had gotten a second chance, and wouldn't get a third. That he knew for sure. And she deserved something better, someone better.

He had a strange feeling of déjà-vu, when he, after telling her all this, turned around and wanted to leave, forever this time.

"Maybe you're right, maybe I can't live like that, but let me try at least?"

She sounded so desperate and scared that all he wanted to do was take her in his arms, soothe her and assure that everything would turn out alright. But it was an impossibility, if he would let down his guard now, allow himself to become weak, to let her get to him; he didn't know what would happen.

Running away with her, leaving everything behind, it sounded so simple, but he couldn't. Although few people suspected it, he did have a conscience, and it would probably kill him, or drive him insane, before her own conscience would catch up with her. 

Although she wanted it desperately, she wasn't meant for a normal life, a happy life with a husband, two children and a dog. The last shred of normality that existed in her life would be gone, if his heart would win over his head now. And he wouldn't let it happen.

Even though he wasn't the Sark from before, he did have some of his traits still, and if he wanted to protect her, to help her, he needed to stop shivering like a baby now, and leave. 

He was battling with himself and it felt like the hardest fight he'd ever had to fight. It felt so unfair to him, that the wisest choice would be to leave her although he knew she wanted him back too.

"Sydney, I can't, it wouldn't be fair, for either of us."

He wondered when he had become so reasonable, she was all that counted in his life, and he wasn't egoistical enough to want to keep her close to him. He almost chuckled at the thought. Her he was, ready to give her up, because he loved her so much; she had definitely changed a lot in him.

"I will come with you, whether you like it or not. We know how it's done, the hiding, the vanishing, new aliases, some remote place; it's easy, we just have to do it."

"What about the fear of being found, leaving your family behind, being on the run 24/7; you don't really want that, your blinded because I am here, if you were alone, you'd never even think about it."

He was arguing with her to convince her to stay away from him; he realized the situation couldn't get anymore weird. But it was up to him to keep her safe, it was the thing to do, if he really had changed irreversibly into someone better. He had to let her go, to prove to himself and to her, that he really wasn't the man he had tried to be again for the last two years.

He breathed deeply, having made up his mind and looked deep into her eyes; he wanted to memorize her eyes, because they were what made Sydney. In them her whole being, her fears, her joys, her experiences, everything could be found in them and he never wanted to forget that.

"You're the best I ever had Sydney…"

TBC


	6. Take My Hand

Chapter 6 - Take My Hand  
  
".but I won't have you hating me in a few months or even years, because you gave all of your life up to be with me. Sooner or later you will realize that it was a mistake and that I am not really worth it, because you have grown tired of hiding. And then you won't be able to go back, because you will have run away with the enemy, you will yourself be one of them."  
  
This wasn't at all happening as he had planned it. Irritated he ruffled his hair. He was doing the right thing and she was dissuading him, he couldn't help but smirk as little. That was definitely his girl.  
  
"I can't go back to anything, since I left. How could I stay with the people who took you away from me, because I was stupid enough to think they honestly were my friends? As for my family, I have none left, apart from you."  
  
She looked up at him sadly and he nearly felt guilty for even thinking about leaving her, when she so obviously needed him. He felt torn, his heart told him to never let her go whereas his mind was arguing that he had to do what was best for her, which against all reason seemed to be staying with her. His feelings were all contradicting themselves and he felt helpless and vulnerable.  
  
This was one of a few very rare moments in his life where he couldn't weigh the pros and cons and then decide what plan of action to follow. This was just like when he had met her and had thrown all principles overboard to be with her, when he had allowed himself to get attached emotionally, when he had signed a deal with the CIA to be able to be with her, when he had decided to go back to see her for one more time.  
  
Logic had always failed him when it had come down to her, and it had always led to better things in the end, so what exactly told him that he should leave he wondered. His mind; and what had that been good for until now, for nothing that had made him happy as far as he could see.  
  
"You left."  
  
"Yes, and so can you!"  
  
She was begging now, and he thought that he had never seen her begging for anything until today. He could just give in now, let her decide and take the responsibility for what they had done later on, when she would come to her senses.  
  
But of course she didn't make it that easy for him, telling him that he had to decide and that she just wished he could forget and start anew and that he should trust her to be able to cope. She was asking much and he saw that she knew it, seeing the insecurity written all over her face. She didn't really seem to know how far she could push her pleas or how far she could push him. He guessed he looked quite unstable for his usual standards, and he could feel her doubtful, nervous, even a bit scared look.  
  
It felt so difficult to really open up to someone again after two years of ignoring and denying. He do wanted to trust her again, wanted to start a new life with her, wanted to forget, but he was at loss as to how to do any of these things. He had learned being human, acting human from her, but he had been far from the end of the lessons, when he had left. He knew how to love unconditionally, but not how to forgive, forget and move on without a condition.  
  
"Show me how." he asked silently.  
  
"Take my hand." she replied softly and so he did.  
  
********************  
  
The End.  
  
I love Emily for encouraging me to make more out of this than a one chapter piece. So I decided to dedicate 'Rise and Fall' to you. 


End file.
