One Tree Hill So Are You To Me

Title: So Are You to Me  
Author: WildCherry45

Challenge answer for the lovely Brynne! This challenge is from Annie's NH Hiatus fic exchange . I had a rough time figuring out where to place the 'must include' phrase. I did include it in the story but not as dialogue… I hope that's okay!

Disclaimer: As usual, I own nothing. The characters belong to Mark & Co. The plot idea/challenge belongs to Brynne. The lyrics are from 'Sunrise, Sunset' by Bright Eyes.

**Challenge: **

Season/Time frame: Post College (they went to diff. schools in same state, but were still a couple throughout)  
Must include the phrase: "I've never wanted anything as bad as I want this."  
Additional requirements: Basic summary - Haley and Nathan reach a crossroads in their relationship, and have to discover if their dreams can merge, or if it is time to split. No marriage and no "music" "career", pretty please!

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_You are lying while you confess, keep trying to explain. The sunrise and the sun sets you realize and then you forget what you have been trying to retain. When was the last time you looked in the mirror? Because you have changed._

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Haley James had always considered herself the logical type. She was the one that always provided the essence of a mother figure when Lucas and the river court boys wanted to do something insane such as tying Mouth up in a chair with duct tape and pushing him down the streets of Tree Hill. With a smile and a wink, Lucas would always coax her into joining their rambunctious misdoings.

Through it all, she always remained level headed.

When she was younger, like every other five year old girl with a closet full of Barbie dolls, she always dreamed of getting married to her knight in shining armor and being swept off her feet by a perfect gentleman who always spoke words of charmed beauty.

She met Nathan when she was 16 and it was in the third month of their relationship that she realized that though her dreams from the dazed and naïve mind of the five year old Haley James were in fact, just that… dreams.

She wasn't particularly upset or depressed after the epiphany. She was more accepting. She knew that she and Nathan weren't perfect and she knew that at first, he wasn't her knight in shining armor but she wanted to believe that what they had transcended that level.

He was her first love. All the other expectations and stereotypes could never overweigh that. She never deluded herself into believing that she could change him or that he and Lucas would ever truly get along. She knew from the first day she stepped onto the pier where they held their tutoring sessions that there would be a turbulent path ahead. But, still, she took the cautious steps towards what became known as their table and sat down on the wooden bench, waiting for him to arrive with bated breath.

He did change, however, but on his own accord. She just merely provided a direction and support. She couldn't take credit for his good doings and though many times, the credit was pushed in her direction, she would always reply with a soft smile that he did it all on his own. She always said so with pride.

She had always been proud of him, even when he was at his worst. She always admired his courage to begin a new life, to break free of the shackles that his family had chained him down with and to pursue his own goals as opposed to just his father's. She had always been his rock, his support and his friend.

They were eight years into their relationship now and as Haley fingered the anniversary present that he had gotten for her, she couldn't help but wonder if that was all she was to him now, just a friend and a support. She knew that eventually, all couples reached this stage but she had never thought she would be there herself. He still loved her and goodness knows she still loved him with all her heart but were they in love?

Had they reached the point where their love had grew from passion to friendship?

Her chocolate brown eyes shifted to the three stone diamond necklace, highlighted stunningly in a dark blue velvet box. Her fingers pressed into the white cushioning surrounding the necklace. She let out a sigh as she skimmed over the card, already knowing the words. It was always the same, an excerpt from one of her favorite poems and a laconic message from him. The message always reiterated the same things that she supposed she was to know by now; he loved her, he cherished her, if he didn't have her in his life, it would mean nothing. She was his everything and all that he could ever hope for.

It was supposed to be romantic.

But, it wasn't. It just seemed so… forced. She hated the idea of anniversaries, Valentine's Day, Sweetest Day or any other sort of established holiday that held some sort of obligation for couples to show and prove their love. She had always thought that if she truly felt his love for her, he would never have to tell her or have to spell it out in cards such as the one she was holding in her hands right now. She would've known regardless. She would've felt it everyday. She wouldn't have needed a holiday to tell her.

Haley let out a sigh, dropping the card onto the bed and sat on the edge, her mind pondering over her thoughts. She loved Nathan. She truly did… she just wasn't sure if that was enough for them now.

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"You seem a little out of it today."

Haley's head snapped up at his words. She managed a weak smile, unconsciously finger the three stone necklace around her neck before she replied, "I'm just tired."

"Do you like it?" Nathan asked, his thoughts seemingly focused on something else altogether. He twisted his fork around the spaghetti and took a sip from his glass of red wine.

"It's beautiful. Like everything else you've gotten me."

He raised an eyebrow, hearing the underlying tone in her words. "I'm not sure that answers the question."

Haley shook her head slightly. She had finally caught his attention… now was the time to ask him the question she had been dreading for seemingly forever at this point. She let out a heavy sigh before she looked down, suddenly enamored with the spaghetti, "What are we doing, Nathan?"

He studied her for a moment, as if trying to decipher her words for a hidden meaning, before he took another sip of wine, "I'm not sure I understand what you're asking."

"Nathan, please," Haley whispered, "Don't… just not now."

"Your question can be answered with a multitude of answers." He paused for a moment, his blue orbs settling on her face, "There's only one that you want though."

Haley smiled weakly again. After all these years, he was still Nathan and he still knew her so well. That should've bothered her at that moment but she found it comforting instead. "So, answer it." She gathered up her courage, lifted her head and matched their gazes, brown staring into blue. "What are we doing?"

"We're having dinner."

He was being a smart-aleck now. She didn't have to reply, the look on her face was answer enough that what he said was obviously not the reply she wanted.

Nathan crossed his arms, as if in defense before he spoke again, "I don't know what type of answer you want from me, Haley. In your mind, you already have one picked out but I don't know what it is." A short gap of silence filled the air before he asked, "What do you want to hear?"

She looked away, wanting so badly to tell him her thoughts. She silently wished there was some way she could pour her feelings and emotions into her words but all she could manage was a simple, "The truth."

It wasn't the answer he expected. Vagueness and cryptic words were usually in his arena but they had been together for eight years, their mannerisms had rubbed off on each other.

Even so, there seemed to be a distance between them now, growing with every passing second of silence.

"We've been together for eight years, Haley, and you know that I've always been truthful with you, even when I knew it would hurt you. I've never kept anything from you and I don't plan to start now. So, I'll say it again, what do you want to hear?"

She still couldn't look at him. She should've been searching her mind for the reason to that but all she could focus on was a reply. Her next words could cause the breakdown or the downfall of a relationship that practically defined her life now. She bit her lower lip before she spoke softly, "I want to hear that we'll be okay."

Nathan's brow furrowed at this answer. Before he could ask the question formulated in his mind, she continued.

"Because it hasn't for the past few months, maybe even longer," she paused for a moment. The air suddenly seemed heavier around her; she could feel it weighing down upon her shoulders.

"We are okay," Nathan insisted, his eyes stormy with flickering specks of gray. "Haley, I don't even know where this is coming from."

Haley watched him silently, wanting to believe his words and write off her suspicions as mere delusions but she could see in the tightness of his stature and shifty eyes that he knew exactly what she was speaking of. He just wanted to remain in denial.

A large part of her did as well. All she had to do now was nod, take his words as false truths and somehow deceive herself into believing that he was right and all the thoughts manifesting in her head could be erased. It would be so easy to lie and to pretend and go back to where they were before. But, she couldn't do it.

She loved him too much to do that to him and their relationship, no matter how weak or confusing it was at this point, meant too much to her for her to write the problem off as a lie.

They were growing apart. That was the harsh reality of truth that she had come to face in the past few hours.

"Haley," His voice was rich, coaxing her out of her thoughts, "I love you. You know that, right?"

The three words slipped so easily from his lips that she wanted to fall back into the daze yet again but she couldn't. He was saying it out of fear and desperation. She silently wished and hoped it was from losing her but she knew it probably wasn't. It was from a fear of losing comfort, of losing normality… of change.

"I know you do," she whispered. She stood suddenly and reached out, her hand extended. He grabbed it without question. Their fingers intertwined, the soft and supple with the rough and callous. He was never the hands on working type yet his hands always felt that way. It was one of the small things about him that she had always loved. She leaned into him, finding comfort in the rhythmic beating of his heart and the warmth radiating from his body. They were constants that would always be true to him as they were eight years before and eight years in the future.

She wanted to believe that she would always be a constant in his life as well, may it be as just a friend or a lover. Her thumb traced small circles in the palm of his hand. She didn't want to break the silence but nonetheless, closed her eyes, exhaled softly and leaned into him as she spoke, "I miss this."

He murmured his agreement, his cheek resting against the top of her head as he held her tightly.

"I miss what we had, Nathan." She continued, "I miss just staying up with you on rainy nights, talking about whatever floated into our minds. I miss kissing you awake on Sunday mornings. I miss knowing more than anything that you were in love with me."

He didn't speak.

Haley faltered for a moment, feeling the melancholy in the air surrounding them. She waited; hoping that he would say something in reply… tell her that she was wrong and that he was in love with her and that he had never wanted anything as badly as he wanted this.

The words never came.

She didn't cry. She simply tightened her grip around his waist and leaned further into him, wanting to melt into his warm, protective body. She kept her eyes closed, wanting to spend eternity in that position.

She didn't want to face morning for when it arrived, the dark shadows of the night would fade away and the veracity of her words and assumptions would be revealed.

When the hours of the night waned into morning, they would part.

And, she would never be able to hold him again as she did that night.


End file.
