Title: I feel a bit ambivalent posting this on HN. On one hand, I keep coming back here because it&#x27;s one of the only places on the internet that I trust and that makes sense to me. On the other hand, most people on here seem to have their sh* together, so to speak, and in that respect I feel like an outsider. Admittedly, these days I come to HN more for self-help than tech news. Reading through the recent threads on loneliness have given me some courage to reach out and be vulnerable, so here goes.<p>I&#x27;m a software developer quickly approaching 30 with no direction in life, no hobbies, no friends, no family, and no idea what I even want to change. I&#x27;ve somehow floated through 30 years of life like this. I&#x27;ve had a few highs and a few more lows, but what&#x27;s been constant is just this deep sense of emptiness. Like a longing for something I don&#x27;t have and maybe never will. With every passing year, I&#x27;ve grown more and more weary of life.<p>In my early twenties, I would self-medicate with various addictions, but for the past few years not even those purely hedonistic activities seem appealing to me. These days I work remotely Monday-Friday, eat, sleep, repeat. Some weekends I even look forward to Mondays, just so I have something to do. But every night, the emptiness of this endless cycle hits me and it feels so paradoxically heavy, like an insurmountable gravitational pull into the void. Though I have no close friends or family, most days I don&#x27;t even feel lonely -- just hopelessly lost.<p>The advice I&#x27;ve read concerning this sort of disillusionment boils down to making friends&#x2F;establishing a sense of connection to the world, and having a sense of personal direction. Doesn&#x27;t seem to matter whether you start top-down or bottom-up, eventually you&#x27;re supposed to end up somewhere in the middle as a fulfilled, self-actualized human being. But no matter which end I try to start from, I can&#x27;t seem to escape the sheer meaninglessness of it all. Making friends&#x2F;maintaining close relationships doesn&#x27;t come naturally to me, and the more effort I put into it, the more detached and dishonest I feel. This also seems to be getting harder as I get older, without school or some other form of &quot;forced&quot; interaction. Setting personal goals is even more hopeless when at the core, I just feel empty. Every time I try to set even small goals for myself (starting personal projects, hobbies, etc.), gravity pulls me back into the void. Any sort of direction or intention feels like trying to build a house of cards on a non-existent foundation.<p>At this point, I&#x27;m not sure if I can do this for another 30 years. I feel like Sisyphus pushing the boulder up the hill in an eternal loop, leaving me with a worsening sense of existential--sometimes literal--nausea.<p>Thank you for reading. I hope someone can relate to this and impart some wisdom. I&#x27;ve also included an email in my profile because at times I will read a comment or post on here that resonates with me, and I&#x27;m disappointed to have no way to reach out directly to the OP. So if that applies to anyone, please don&#x27;t hesitate to reach out to me.
Upvote: