The outbreak of swine flu has caused the World Health
Organization to steadily raise its alert levels. But what do
they mean? Weekly World News breaks it down. Outbreak is
contained within a single bedroom. Ginger ale, chicken soup, and
DVDs of Bridget Jones’ Diary and The Princess Bride are readily
available. Recommendation: saying ‘Bless you’ when patient
sneezes. Disease spreads to workplace through prolonged exposure
with the infected. Tissue boxes begin to become exhausted;
toilet paper takes up the slack. Recommendation: use as excuse
to miss work. Virulent agent has demonstrated resilience to all
brands of decongestants. Patients suspect drug company
conspiracy to sell placebos for incurable ailment.
Recommendation: loss of patience, profanity. Outbreak spreads to
news outlets and human interest stories. The public is warned
not to be afraid, but ‘pandemic’ continues to be a really scary
word. Recommendation: water cooler conversation, unnecessarily
canceling trips abroad. Virus remains persistent and