Parents and teachers participating in our courses and workshops
sometimes get a little rattled when we suggest that they not
request that their child or student say “I’m sorry.” This bumps
up against what almost all of us were taught as children, which
is to apologize if someone is upset with us or we have done
something “wrong.” There are three main reasons that we
recommend avoiding apologies: 1. Typically, an apology simply
wipes the slate clean. There is no deepening of understanding,
no true resolution to the issue and no change in behavior. An
apology let’s someone off the hook without making amends. 2.
When a child simply repeats the words “I’m sorry,” because his
parents requested that he do so, he generally doesn’t feel
sorry. Requesting that a child say the words when there are no
authentic feelings behind them puts him out of integrity with
himself. 3. Instead of apologizing, doing a make-up makes such a
big difference in relationships. Make-ups are a way to make
amends. If a relationship is disrup