text: Jimmy Marshall was raised by sitcoms; whenever his parents wanted him out of their hair, they would put him in front of the television, and he would visit some of his best friends: Sam Malone, Richie Cunningham, Alex P. Keaton, his only pet, ALF, and his amusing Aunts, The Golden Girls. His mother was Roseanne, and his father was Danny Tanner. This impacted his personality; he was quick with a family-safe one-liner and spoke in a comforting and concise way. Flash forward to the present day, and the whole country is going through a nostalgia craze, reboots of these beloved shows, a longing for simpler days, and a reappreciation of these characters is omnipresent in the country. As a result, Jimmy changed his name to James and became a politician. James Marshall soared to the top of the polls. It helped that he had the same name as Harrison Ford's character in the film "Air Force One," a badass president who kicks terrorists off his plane while yelling, "Get off my plane!" The name, charisma, and eidetic recall of these shows resulted in a candidate that captured the nation's zeitgeist at the moment. During a debate, he quoted "The Golden Girls" on LGBTQ issues, "She happens to like girls instead of guys. Some people like cats instead of dogs; frankly, I'd rather live with a lesbian than a cat, unless the lesbian sheds, that I don't like." Speaking to factory workers, quoted "Cheers," "Look, it's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear." In an Iowa caucus stump speech, quoted "Family Ties," "What is the meaning of life? That's simple. Try to be happy, try not to hurt other people, and hope to fall in love." James was a long shot, an underdog, and lacked political experience, but, in an incredible story of the right man at the right time, he was elected President of the United States. Unfortunately, some of the characteristics that made him an attractive candidate did not translate to the office of President. He quickly recognized that complicated problems could not be solved in 22 minutes without commercials, that the office sometimes demanded less than family-friendly actions, and that the situation room lacked a laugh track. The country was running a fiscal deficit that needed to be balanced. The only thing that sprang to mind was a "Family Matters" episode in which Carl sells Lemon Tarts to make money. The government sold Lemon Tarts and other desserts, reduced the deficit by 0.02%, closed 200 bakeries, and gave diabetes to one-third of the population. The country was experiencing a fentanyl epidemic. The President took action; he recalled a special episode of "The Golden Girls" in which Rose's pills are mistakenly spilled into the sink, revealing that she is hooked on the pills and is experiencing withdrawal symptoms. The "Sink the Drugs" campaign, on the other hand, falls flat because the episode never portrayed the hard work of rehab, merely Rose's return in the following episode. Internationally, some of our enemies are keen on testing the new President. President Marshall's foreign policy is heavily influenced by bullying episodes. In "Growing Pains," an episode focuses on Ben being bullied by another student, Razor, so Ben signs up for karate lessons. In the episode "A Pinch for a Pinch" on "Full House," Michelle is bullied after a kid pinches her at school, and she is urged to fight back. In "Punky Brewster," Punky was bullied at school and learned self-defense from boxer Marvin Hagler. These aggressive techniques were first perceived as strong, but international affairs sometimes demanded a more nuanced approach. President Marshall found himself in three wars, five embargoes, and had a karate sensei and two professional boxers on his White House staff. The President also drew flak for certain out-of-date references; he dressed as "Bosom Buddies" on Halloween, offending the transgender community; and came to a state dinner in General Lee from "Dukes of Hazard;" social media had a field day. President Marshall was clearly out of his depth and began to rely on advisors more and more. Things did not, however, improve. In addition, the nostalgia frenzy began to fade, leaving President Marshall with poor approval ratings and a head full of out-of-date information. Toward the end of his Presidential term, James was down and decided that if he was going to be voted out, he was going out on his terms. He was tired of being reactive and wanted to start being proactive. President Marshall made the decision to modernize the nation's recycling program. He made this decision based on an episode of "The Cosby Show," in which Rudy Huxtable's class learns about the importance of recycling and the harmful effects of pollution on the environment. The recycling program was a big success and quickly became the global standard. The President then invested in a high-speed rail system connecting the country's largest cities. This decision was influenced by an episode of "Family Ties" in which Alex P. Keaton promoted the idea to his father as a method to increase the economy and relieve traffic congestion. The rail system was finished at record speed and significantly improved the country's transportation infrastructure. He enhanced the education system by employing lessons from "The Wonder Years," and he even assisted in the resolution of a labor dispute by employing principles from "Who's the Boss?" As his first term came to an end, his approval ratings began to rise. He knew if he was going to be re-elected, he would need a grand gesture to the American people, one that would occur at the end of his beloved sitcoms. He remembered an episode of "Happy Days" in which Fonzie water skies over a shark. He always thought it was a fantastic feat that would impress the American people. President Marshall arrived at the dock dressed similarly to the scene, in a swimsuit and a leather jacket. The President completed the stunt successfully, but upon his return to shore, he learned it did not have the impact he expected. His poll numbers continued to fall from there, and the President had literally and metaphorically jumped the shark. James Marshall was not re-elected to a second term, but he will be remembered as a nonpartisan politician who, if only for a short time, brought the country together over sitcoms.