text: I “Can you hold this for me?” “Of course.” A house of cards is an unstable thing, but I’m happy to help. I hold the Jack of Hearts as she lightly places another card on top. II “It’s swaying. I need you to hold it here too.” I nod as I watch the cards quiver and gently pinch the Queen of Spades. III She slumps on the table, the bottle of wine half-finished beside her. Her sobs shake the table as I desperately grab blindly onto cards, trying to keep the structure upright. “Can you help me?” I ask. I wish I didn’t have to, but I only have two hands. I can only do so much. She shakes her head before burying her face deep into her arms. The words are muffled but I can still hear them. “I can’t.” “But you can.” I say, the cards threatening to fall. “Start by holding one card and we can steady it together.” She reaches out and my heart rises with hope, but it’s the bottle she reaches for. IV She sits across from me, slumped in her chair. Her eyes are dry now as she drinks from another bottle. The house of cards lies between us, precarious. I’m holding my breath, my lungs tight. They ache for air, but the cards are too delicate. Too ready to fall at any provocation. She lifts a hand towards the King of Diamonds and pushes it forward. I want to reach out and catch it but it’s already too late. The King’s eyes stare up at me, pleading with me to pick him up. But I can’t. My hands are already full. V She pokes a card loose and watches the tower tumble. Watches me scramble to fix it. The Four of Diamonds falls with the Nine of Clubs. They circle around each other as if they were dancing. “Stop it!” I cry as I snatch them up. I throw them back onto what is now more of a pile than a house built with intention. My skin burns with anger and frustration. She looks at me, eyes wide with shock. The large bloodshot orbs grow wet with tears. I pick them up and try to rest the two cards back together, to show her I can fix it, but she turns away from me and begins to cry. “I’m sorry.” She does not answer. VI I watch her aimlessly throw cards onto the table. It used to be a house of cards but now it’s just a mess she won’t pick up. I feel helpless. “Maybe glue would help?” She shakes her head. Her eyes never leave mine as she blindly drops the Two of Hearts. I cringe as it falls uselessly through the air, spinning with the friction of empty space. She smirks at me. I feel like I’m going to vomit. VII I stand at the doorway. I cannot bring myself to sit with her. The cards on the table blend together so I can no longer tell them apart. “I need you to help me rebuild it.” “I’m sorry, but I can’t.” She looks betrayed. “But I need you. I can’t do it without you.” “I love you, but I can’t help you anymore.” I turn to leave but I can hear her begin to cry. I hesitate, my heart heavy with guilt. What kind of a person abandons their friend? I think about turning around. About helping her try to rebuild it one last time. She hiccups and sniffles back the tears. “Selfish cunt.” I step forward, leaving the room and the table and her house of cards behind. I step forward and relief washes over me. I walk towards my own house of cards, so fragile and new. A house of cards I built with love. A house of cards for me, formed by my own two hands. A house of cards built from forgiveness and understanding. A house of cards that I know will become even stronger as it grows. The guilt constantly bites at my soul as I think of her alone in that room, but I had to leave. Even if I don’t often believe it.