text: The air smelled of bitter antiseptic with undertones of fragrance from the soaps and cleaners. It was intense as she inhaled through the tubes in her nostrils. She looked down at the needle in her arm, she had been poked and prodded so many times over the last 6 years that her veins had collapsed. Her skin looked almost translucent, showing a map of veins, bruises and imperfections across the surface. Long gone were the days of her golden olive skin. Her heart thumped in her chest as she remembered that her husband Jim would be arriving soon for his punctual daily visit. 7:00pm sharp. Never a minute late. He’d stood by her through thick and thin, ‘til death do us part. Her heart started to race and was mirrored by the beeping monitors around her. She thought about the decision she was about to tell him. She had been rehearsing all morning. She hoped he would accept her wishes, but knowing Jim, she knew that was unlikely. Tick tock. The clock hung above the door struck 7:00pm. Jim entered the room. A squeaky wheelchair passed by the open door, the patient it was holding let out a defeated grunt of pain as they readjusted themselves. Jim’s joyful smile was out of place here. She looked up at him weakly and forced a smile that quickly faded when she spotted the large bouquet of flowers in his hand. She had told him before not to waste money on flowers. They just died. It brought her no joy watching them go on the same journey she was on. But like clockwork, he brought them every week on Monday. She hated Mondays. He said they brought life and joy to the room. That’s because he didn’t have to sit in a bed watching them slowly wilt and die week on week, it was like Groundhog day. “My love.” He came over and kissed her delicately on the forehead. Just like when they were in highschool, she used to live for those kisses. He had always been so smitten with her. The perfect boyfriend. The perfect husband. He was like a loyal golden retriever, looked a bit like one too with his shaggy brown hair and kind brown eyes. His love for her only seemed to grow over their past 22 years of marriage, which she didn’t think could be possible. Whereas hers had probably plateaued years ago if she was being truly honest. Susie’s heart started to race again, the monitors beeped wildly. “Someone’s excited to see me.” Jim joked as he put the flowers into the empty vase on the bedside table. The nurses would carry away the dead flowers every Sunday in preparation for the new. She couldn’t help but be annoyed, but she knew he meant well. Alright, she needed to rip the bandage off. Tell him you’re tired, she thought. So tired. This battle had taken everything that had once brought her joy. She missed the days when her fingers could gracefully dance on the strings of her violin, creating beautiful woody harmonics with every draw of her bow. Making 1st chair in the San Francisco Symphony had been one of her greatest accomplishments in her short 41 years of life. Jim approached her and placed a warm sturdy hand on top of hers. “I have great news Suze!” He beamed and gripped her frail, veiny hand a little too tight. She grimaced and remorse instantly shot across his face as he quickly loosened his grip. Everything inside her hurt. His hopeful smile returned, “Suze, I was talking with Dr. Liang and there’s a new cancer trial starting next week at UCSF Medical Center. We looked into it and guess what hun? You qualify!” He exclaimed excitedly. She dropped her eyes and tuned out the rest of the words that were coming out of his mouth. Well fuck, she thought. She was not expecting this. Her mouth was dry and tasted like cardboard. Her stomach turned. Her thumb hovered over the button that dispensed the morphine drip. One press and she could go along for the ride, like she had been doing for years. She could hop on Jim’s happy train full of hope and keep pushing forward as her body slowly failed her and withered away. Yes Jim, sure Jim, yes honey. She had always done whatever he thought was best. I mean, he had guided her safely through life over the past 22 years with so much thought and care, she had never given it a second thought... until recently. Suddenly an overpowering force from within her stomach crept up through her oesophagus and erupted from her mouth. Word vomit. Pent up word vomit. “NO!” she screamed, sitting up in the hospital bed abruptly, gripping the side rails tightly. She felt like a toddler confined in this bed all day. “I’m done Jim, I’m fucking done.” Hot tears rolled down her face. The salty drops burned the corners of her dry, cracked mouth as they swept down her sunken face. The floodgates had opened and there was no turning back now. His kind brown eyes lost their warmth and filled with sadness and then erupted into tiny flames that went out with defeat almost as soon as they were lit. Memories of their marriage vows filled her thoughts, “In sickness and in health.” Jim’s jaw loosened then tightened and then froze with pure shock and disbelief. She never defied him. He was only doing what he thought was best for her and she always listened but he wasn’t the one stuck in this bed, stuck with needles, watching flowers die on repeat as her insides slowly died along with them. Jim’s love for her was infinite, but it had grown to be infinitely suffocating. “Suze...” he whispered. “We can beat this. I told you I would never give up on you. We are fighters. We will fight this. Don’t you see hun, this trial is our opportunity -” Susie erupted again, cutting him off mid sentence, flailing her arms in the air, she knocked over the vase full of flowers next to her bed. “Stop speaking for me Jim! You’re not the one living this life in a shell of your body. I love you but I’m done. You have to let me go.” He stood there defeated looking down at her with tears in his eyes. She pressed the morphine drip hard. Darkness. She opened her eyes and squinted up at the light, a spotlight flooded down on her. She was on stage, but no one was seated in the red velvet seats that lined the concert hall. She was alone. The familiar smell of resin filled her nostrils. Looking down she noticed her beloved violin in her lap. She smiled at the familiar sight. Picking it up she tucked it comfortably between her jaw and collarbone. Taking a deep breath of the fresh vanilla air she raised her bow, pausing briefly as it hovered above the strings and closed her eyes. The notes danced across her eyelids as the music flowed from her soul through her bow, then the strings, then the hollow wooden body of her violin and finally freely into the air. It was the most beautiful song she had ever played, sad, but beautiful, and free. She drifted with the music until she was looking down at herself, the young Susie she knew, olive skin glowing in the warm spotlight, eyes closed, living the music. She smiled and let herself drift away with her sweet, sad melody. Bright white light filled the space around her. She had found her peace at last.