text: Lucy’s Last Breath It’s been twelve years since I first witnessed death. The worst kind of death. A drowning. The lake seemed so big to me and I was so small. What felt like a never ending abyss of water, was really only a mile or so long. But it was the depth that made this lake so dangerous. No one quite knows how deep it goes. But it never stopped me from jumping in. I wasn’t afraid back then. But the fear I have now keeps me from ever returning to that town. It especially keeps me away from that lake. What happened there has left scars on all of us that experienced it first hand. I thought therapy would help me get over it, or at least learn how to process it. I don’t know if we will ever understand the darkness that surrounds that town. But I am a believer. I believe that evil has embedded itself there. For years I have begged my mom to get out of that town. I’ve tried to convince her to move in with me or let me help her try and find her own place close to me. Anything to get her out of that zip code. But she was born and raised there. All our family pets are buried in her backyard. She raised me and all my siblings in that house. She isn’t one to pack up and run. She is much stronger than me. Much stronger than the force that haunts us after all those years. She tells me often that it only has power if we let it. But I wish she would tell that to all those kids that lost their lives over the years, before they closed it to the public. Mom wants me to visit for Christmas. I haven’t been to her house in seven years, she always comes to me or my brothers visit her. But this year none of the boys can make it. She will be alone for the holidays and I know that comes with a guilt trip. My boyfriend offers to come with me, assures me it is only a few days and then we will be back home. I don’t think I’m ready. Obviously I know that I can just avoid the lake, not even leave the house if I can help it. But after the first drowning the whole town shifted. It grew dark. Everyone changed, the leaves fell differently in the fall, the flowers didn’t bloom fully in the spring, the sun stopped comforting my skin in the summer and it’s as if no one seemed to notice besides me. Am I the crazy one? I caved. I can’t allow my mother to be alone for Christmas. She isn’t in the best shape since my dad passed. It wasn’t a lake related death, at least I don’t think. Heart attack. But this could be her last holiday season. So I pack my bags. I am happy I’m not going alone and I find comfort in that. But there is this energy that makes me feel uneasy. It feels like someone is screaming at me to stop, to not go. I ignore it. It’s just my own doubt. It isn’t anything supernatural. It isn’t anything demonic. It’s my own shit. The fear I’ve allowed over the years. I am better than this fragile little girl I once was. I am a grown ass woman now. Capable of anything. So I shake it off and head to the airport. We finally land and I can feel it in the air. It washes over me so intently. It knows I’m back and the more time that passes the more I feel I made a mistake coming here. I keep my worries to myself. I push the feelings down. I text my therapist to find some sort of advice to get me through the next few days. God damn it. It’s Christmas eve, she isn’t working. She definitely isn’t waiting for me to reach out with my mental breakdown on the verge of erupting. I feel a full panic coming. I tell myself to reel it in and calm the fuck down. It’s all in my head. It’s all in my head. I repeat it over and over until he pulls the car around. He is smiling and happy to finally see my hometown and where I grew up. It’s as if seeing all of this will allow him to be closer to me and better understand my trauma. But I can’t help to think that is far from the truth. I think I will only push him away more. I’m terrified of that the most. To lose him. The best fucking thing to happen to me. No amount of my crazy has run him off yet. But I feel the worst has yet to arrive. We drive through town and everything looks dull and dreadful, just like I remember it. Why would anyone want to live here? Why haven’t they condemned this whole fucking place. Evacuate everyone to someplace else. If I didn’t know any better, this town was rotting and so are the people still here. I know I’m not the only crazy one, not many of us kids stayed once we graduated. Most of us went off and never looked back. There is something new. It’s in the center of town. A statue of some sort in the shape of a sun. The only sun that will touch this place. I tell him to pull over, I have to see this up close. As I walk closer I can make out the words “In Memory of..” and a list of names for those kids we lost so long ago. I trace the engraved names with my fingers, remembering each and every one of them. One person in particular. Lucy. Lucy was my childhood best friend. The first of the bunch to meet their fate in that lake. We were together that day. Playing like usual, celebrating me finally becoming a teenager. Jumping off the dock, pretending to be mermaids and soaking in the rays. It was a normal day. We did this all summer long. Nothing out of the ordinary. Lucy was the best swimmer, she would always out swim me. So it made no sense what happened that day, but I blame myself. I wanted to play lifeguard. You know the game where one person pretends to drown and the other has to jump in to save them. A game we would play so often. Why was this time different? I wanted to be the lifeguard this time, so Lucy jumped in and started her act. She was doing so well, it looked so real. She would go under a couple times and come back up. By the 3rd time going under, that was my cue to “save” her. She went under and I jumped in. Except I couldn’t find her. I thought she was messing with me at first, but as more time passed I became concerned. I screamed for her name. Nothing. My screaming got the attention of my older brother who came running over. He yelled at me and asked where Lucy was. I was hysterical at this point and could barely keep my head above water. So he pulled me out, told me to run and get dad and he dove back in. By the time I got back with Dad, my brother was back out of the water sitting on the ground with his head in his hands. The police and ambulance were shortly behind us. But still Lucy was nowhere to be found. They immediately evacuated everyone from the water and made a barrier between us and the lake until they could find her. It was late afternoon and dark would be here soon. My dad tried to make me go home, but I refused until we found Lucy. Her parents showed up and everyone was in a panic. I was hopeful they would find her alive. I was naive. It was getting late and at this point they had divers come in to search the waters. I was shivering and for the first time I felt the darkness. I knew that she was dead. That they were going to find her body. No sooner than I felt it, one of the divers yelled he got her. My parents tried to get me to turn away, but I pushed through them to the edge of the water. There she was. Lifeless. Grey. Empty. I wanted to turn away, but like a car wreck I kept my gaze. Her parents collapsed. My parents collapsed. I froze. She was the first, but not the last. Over the next four years there would be a total of five drownings in that lake. After the 5th one, they closed it for good. They tried to blame it on an underwater current that had a pull and decided it was too dangerous to allow the public to swim in it. It took five deaths to close that lake. Five. I never returned to it after Lucy died. But when she died, so did the rest of this town. It was no coincidence that kids kept drowning. There was something evil lurking under those waters and it was spilling over into the rest of the town. We made it to Mom’s and she is so happy to see me. See me standing where I stood as a little girl. I could see the memories flood back to her, she made a half smile and I knew she was reminiscing. Christmas Eve was surprisingly peaceful. We shared a lot of laughs and ate some good food, but it was getting late and we were ready to call it a night. I was the only one left awake. I laid in my bed in my old room, staring out the window as the moon cast light on my face. There’s that pull again. That pull telling me to get the fuck out of here. Then I heard her. I heard Lucy’s voice calling to me. This is it, I’m losing my mind for sure. It was clear as day. I sneak out of bed and make my way down the hall, following her voice. I walk out the back door and to the woods. There’s a short cut to the lake through these woods. She’s leading me back. I feel the tug telling me to go back to the house. But I have to see this through. Maybe this will give me answers, maybe this will provide the closure I need. Is that her? Holy fuck. I can see her. She’s standing on the dock. Wearing the same blue bathing suit, waving me to come to her. I figured the closer I got then she would vanish, but she became more clear. She is smiling at me. I call her and tell her I am sorry. Sorry for playing that stupid game. It was my fault. She just smiles and jumps in the water. I yell to her to wait. But she is already back in the lake. That lake. She is swimming around, like we did before. Is this real? It feels so real. This has to be a dream. I walk to the edge of the dock. She is splashing around, pretending she is a mermaid again. She waves to me to join her. “I forgive you,” she said. I feel a wave of relief wash over me. This. This is the closure I needed. I conquer my fear and jump in to join her one last time. I can feel her peace. But I can feel this other presence. I reach for the dock, but I can feel the pull. It is so strong. It’s like a magnet pulling me down. I keep reaching for the ladder. But it’s so dark, I can’t see it anymore. I feel the panic set in. This is what Lucy felt. This is what they all felt. The fear. Knowing you’re fixing to die. I’m so cold. I’m running out of energy, my muscles are weak. I can’t fight it anymore. Then I remember what my mother told me so long ago. It only has power, if I let it. One last push. I’m reaching my arms out. I feel a hand grab mine and pull me. I feel the release from the other end and I’m back on the ground. I look up and see Lucy, except she isn’t 13 anymore. She is grown, like me. She doesn’t say anything, just smiles and fades into the distance. I lay there panting, trying to catch my breath. The leaves are gone from the trees above me. But the sky is brighter. The air is chill and the wind is calm. I don’t feel the darkness anymore. It feels like it did twelve years ago. Before the accident. That’s when I knew.