text: Don't worry about some of the references to formula 1, as long as you understand it's a sport they are watching it doesn't matter much to the story. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- *I don't deserve this,* he thought, looking around the room he was sitting in. He had nearly everything that he had always wanted. The TV, the sim racing setup in the corner, the supercomputer that powered it, the car in the garage. *I dont deserve any of it. Especially not her.* She was laying down in his lap, nearly falling asleep watching the admittedly underwhelming Formula 1 race on the TV. If he was being honest with himself, it was the fact the race was so boring that had caused him to reach this line of thought he so desperately tried to avoid. *She deserves better than some loser like me.* *She is fucking perfect. I'm... not.* "You'd think that season closer would be more exciting than this, yah know?" She suddenly piped up, breaking his line of thought. "Yeah. It's been such an exciting season too. They really need to choose a different track for the final race. That fight between Perez and Hamilton was nice though." "Wish there was more where that came from." "Could not agree more." They returned to watching in silence. *How is it,* he thought, looking down at his girlfriend, *that she can be so beautiful when she isn't even trying. She is fucking Aphrodite I swear.* *I don't deserve her.* They had been dating for 3 years. Every single day he spent with her felt like a page out of somebody else's life, that he was simply a placeholder until somebody better came along. *After all, how could anybody love me?* But, as long as she kept up the façade, he could ignore that he knew it wasn't true. Somewhere deep down, a voice told him it wasn't true, but he wouldn't listen. He began to stroke her hair, dreading the day he knew she would leave. She shifted, nuzzling him in a loving way. "I love you," she said softly, obviously falling asleep. "I love you too," he responded. *One day I'll no longer hear that,* He realized, *One day when she is gone.* The thought made him begin to tear up. *She'll be gone, and I'll be all alone again.* The thought nearly made him sick. He felt a singular tear fall from his eye and streak down his cheek, dripping and landing on her head. *Shit*. Immediately she began to get up. "What's wrong?" she asked with a concerned face, looking into his now tear-filled eyes. "It's nothing," he said quickly, looking away in a futile attempt to hide his tears. "Like hell it is. What's wrong honey?" She insisted. *You don't want to know*, he thought to himself. "It's just... I don't know how to explain it. I..." he trailed off, turning to look her in the eyes. "As many times as you have said, shown, and proven it, I can't believe that you love me." The reaction was exactly what he expected. Her eyes now started to tear up too, and he could see how his words hurt her so bad, but they were true. "Every moment I have spent with you has felt like a page out of somebody else's life," He continued, "That I'm just here until you find somebody better, then you will go off with them, somebody who actually deserves you, and leave me alone." The look in her eyes took on a bit of bewilderment, "How could you possibly believe you don't deserve me?" "Because I'm a shit person," he answered, closing his eyes in shame, "Because I'm an egotistical jerk who cannot see how his confidence hurts those around him. Because I'm so obsessed with being correct that I refuse to let others try their ideas. Because-" He felt a hand on his lips. "None of that makes you undeserving or unworthy." She responded to the rant. He had told her about these insecurities of his before, but never had he let on how bad it was. As he opened his eyes, he could see her eyes again. For the first time, he felt that she might actually love him. "But I'm such an asshole to everyone around me." "No you aren't." "I can't ever show you back the kind of love you show me every day." "Except you do, every day." "I can't accept when I'm wrong." "Yes, you can, and do it all the time." "I'm not good enough for you," He said finally, the tears streaming down his face, sobs breaking through between the words. "Yes, you are." She replied desperately, tears now streaming down her face as well. How he wished he could believe her, to allow his heart to be at ease. He couldn't look her in the eyes any more. "I don't care that you are not a perfect person," she continued, "You don't have to be a perfect person!" she paused before finishing her thought, "Because you are perfect for me." It was that last sentence that caused him to look up again. "I love you," she said softly, "More than words can describe I love you. Every day since we started dating has been paradise for me. I am never going to leave you for somebody else. I'm not going to toss you aside for some new dude. I want you. You are not a safety cushion I'm using until the raft gets here, You are all I want." She looked like she wanted to say more but couldn't find the words. It was now her turn to look down, unable to look him in the eyes. He heard that voice he had always been so dismissive of speaking up again. *She loves me,* It said. For the first time in his life, he believed it. He believed that somebody could love him. He believed that he did deserve happiness. He believed that he deserved her. He believed that she loved him. "I believe you." Immediately she looked back up at him. The tears began to fade as he saw the sadness in her eyes slowly get replaced by love. *She isn't faking it. She loves me. She actually loved me.* The thought caused his tears to fade as well. "I love you." He said, hoping to repay in some way what she had done for him. He moved to embrace her. "I love you so much." She entered his embrace, hugging him back and holding him close, listening to his heart beat in his chest. "I love you too. More than words can say." He leaned back, taking him down with her as she now lay on top of him on the couch. For what felt like an eternity, they just laid there, holding each other close, smiles slowly creeping across their faces. Suddenly they remembered the race they had been watching, and heard the commentators yelling in excitement. They looked over as they saw the cars cross the finish line. "Ha!" he nearly shouted, "I told you Max was gonna win it!. That's five bucks." "I think the chat session we just had was worth five bucks." He looked over at his chest to see her smiling at him. *No it was not worth five bucks,* he thought, *It was worth far more than that*. "I love you," he said again, unable to hold back a grin. "I love you too," she responded, pushing herself towards his face. The kiss they shared that day was the best one he had ever experienced. Because for the first time, He truly believed she loved him as the kissed. *She loves me, she actually loves* *me.