text: I am a shitty, shitty person. I do not deserve the love that is given to me. I must be morally pure by the standards which I may not always follow, but which I know are right. I cannot be a flake, a stoic, a deadweight, aggressive, passive, angry, hateful, resentful, jaded, or ungrateful. Maybe something back in my childhood, my hatred for my family in Albequerque for basically no good reason..maybe this left me emotionally dead. But perhaps I learned how to leave people's lives so easily when I tried to cold-shoulder Lilly off the face of the Earth. For good reason, I said, and still say. But why was that my reaction to a shitty situation? I always seem to admire those who practice integrity and selflessness and (at least attempted) utilitarianism, yet I perpetually struggle to stay responsible and lay off on the vices and the self-pleasing and the desire for solitude but the hatred of lonesomeness. By the time I stopped talking to my dad, quite abruptly, I had no care for anyone or anything. I lost regard for others and I always tell myself it's too late to apologize to them all now. I've run from everything for so long I can't remember where it all started. Really, I don't want to know. I'm sure I could figure it out if I totally let myself think about it. I've done it with jobs, and activities, and people. I've never seen this trend so clearly before now. Which shows me I'm awful at identifying my own problems. Or at least at working on them. Many people are able to fuck around with their lives and still turn out quite fine. They make plenty of money and never feel like they missed out terribly. I mean I think that many people feel this way. I could be wrong but a lot of folks seem to very easily jump through some hoops which I struggle to even attempt. I let it all pile up so it can all come crashing down, each time more destructive outwards and pitiful inwards. So, as of late I simply see two solutions if I can't handle being the bastard I now truly understand I am. Either I kill myself, which I'd rather not, or I improve.