text: Trigger warning: suicide -Ten days ago- “He’s been writing for hours,” Yasmine whispered to me. “He’ll stop, scribble things out, crumple up the paper and then toss it away. It’s happened even more than when he’s working on an essay. I’m getting worried.” I stared at Rayne as he rammed a hand through his hair and gave a tiny growl of frustration. I’d never seen him like this, even when he was freaking out over his resume in tenth grade. I turned to Yasmine. “Have you tried to talk to him?” Yasmine shuddered. “Yes, and it didn’t go over so well. He practically bit my head off. There was blood everywhere. It wasn’t pretty.” I rolled my eyes and peeked through the crack in the doorway again. Rayne was scribbling furiously now, eyes afire with something I couldn’t place. I waited until he stopped again, glowering at the paper, and then pushed the door open and strode into the room. “Rayne! How are you?” I plastered a smile on my face. Rayne glanced up and sighed, turning the paper over. “Now is not the time, Cail. I’m busy.” I sighed dramatically. “You’re always busy. Are you ever gonna have time for me?” Rayne turned his glare to the doorway. “Yasmine, I thought I told you to keep people out of my room.” Yasmine shrugged helplessly. “You try stopping Cail. It’s like talking to a wall.” Something akin to a smile flickered over Rayne’s face. “Can’t argue with that.” “What are you working on?” I asked playfully, reaching for the paper. Rayne’s eyes widened and he slapped my hand away. “It’s nothing!” Seeing my startled look, he sighed and softened his tone. “It’s nothing, Cail. I promise. It’s just another essay.” “Another one?” Yasmine asked warily. “How many essays have you had this year already? Twelve? College must be hard.” “College is hard, baby sister. And it requires a lot of focus, so I need to be alone right now. Okay?” He directed that part at me. I stared at the floor, twiddling the strings of my jacket. “Yeah. Okay.” “Cail.” His tone was patient. I looked up. “I’ll be out soon.” He smiled at me and squeezed my hand. I nodded and slipped out the door. “I see what you mean,” I remarked to Yasmine when the door was closed. “He’s never been like that before.” Yasmine cleared her throat and nodded. “Yeah. I don’t think it’s just a school thing, despite what he says.” “I don’t think so, either.” Yasmine looked up at me pleadingly. “You’re his best friend. Can’t you do something? He scares me when he’s like this.” I shook my head slowly. “I don’t know, Yasmine. I wish I could. But this is mostly up to Rayne. If he wants to talk to us, he’ll talk to us.” I wish I hadn’t been as confident about that as I was. -Now- “Last Will and Testament of Rayne Ash Brooks My dearest family and friends. I regret what I am about to do already, but it could not wait any longer. I would like to thank you all for everything you have done for me, and I would like you all to know that you did nothing wrong. What is about to happen is no one’s fault but my own. I was weak, and that weakness dragged me too far to ever return to how I was. I hope you all know that I loved each and every one of you. To my mother, I leave all the scrapbooks and photo albums I made over the years. I hope they may remind her of the good memories. To my baby sister Yasmine, I leave whatever she would like to have. I hope whatever she chooses may serve her well. To my grandfather, I leave the pocketknife he gave me on my twelfth birthday. I would like to thank him for teaching me about carpentry. To my grandmother, I leave my guitar and my thanks to her for teaching me how to play it. Finally, to Cail I leave whatever else could possibly bring memories and comfort. I love you, Cail. I want you to know that. My deepest thanks to all of you for caring for me the way you did. You are all wonderful people. I will miss you dearly.” I fold the paper in half numbly as tears drip down my cheeks. People around me are singing quietly, but I can’t hear the song. The world is so loud in its silence. Rayne should still be here, laughing with me over absolutely nothing. Teasing Yasmine while she’s yelling at him. Why would he do this? What could have caused it? An overwhelming urge suffocates me, telling me to curl into a ball and never get up again. I squeeze my stinging eyes closed and try not to think about how certain I was that he would talk to us if he needed to. Had I only asked how he was doing, had I only paid closer attention, I could have at least done something. A half-sob escapes my lips and I press a hand over my mouth to stifle it. Someone starts gently rubbing my back, but it can’t take away the yawning cavern that has been carved into my heart. I open my eyes and open the paper again, staring at the words as they begin to blur again. I do not look up for the rest of the funeral. I head for the doors as soon as the ceremony is over. I need to be alone. Unfortunately, someone taps my shoulder before I can make it to the safety of my car. I mumble something about home without turning around and keep walking. But they clasp my hand and spin me around to face them. Yasmine is staring up at me, tear tracks covering her cheeks. She gives me a watery smile. She knows what I am going through. I gather her up in a hug. People part around us like a boulder in a stream. Neither of us move for a very long time. Finally, Yasmine pulls back, taking a deep breath and wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. “It’s so different now.” Her voice wobbles and she pauses. “I never would have guessed- I mean, he was always so happy.” I swallow the lump in my throat and nod. “He was incredible.” My voice breaks and tears trace down my cheeks again. I ball my hands into fists and press them against my eyes, willing myself to stop crying. Yasmine rubs my back gently, and I take deep breaths. “You loved him, didn’t you, Cail?” She asks suddenly. I look up at her sympathetic face and then down again, nodding silently as fresh tears well up. “He was the best man I’ve ever known. I just wish he could’ve known that, too.” Yasmine hugs me again. “Me too, Cail. Me too.” Four hours later, Yasmine and I are staring at the orange and pink of the sky as the sun turns red and sinks below the mountains. I am looking for traces of him; I have no doubt she is, too. We sit there until the sky is dark and pinpricks of light shine down on us. Hand in hand, watching the stars. The ones he left behind.