text: To the esteemed Dr. Mcann, Consider this letter the formal resignation of me and the crew of my vessel the USS Aristotle. As I write this, my crew and I are in deep space, and it is unlikely that you shall see this vessel or our crew again, as we plan to drive it straight into a blackhole. As you’re no doubt aware the Aristotle is the first ship capable of interstellar faster than light travel, and we are currently 500 lightyears from Earth. The mission you prescribed us, to survey nearby star systems to look for both a suitably habitable colony and any signs of alien life, was a mission too important for me to turn down the role of captain for. The crew and I became celebrities overnight, we were celebrated across the solar system as heroes going where “no man has gone before” and such bollocks. If I could go back and shoot my younger self for such idiocy, I would. Once our voyage began, we initially had no issues. The ship was running as expected, we were in high spirits, thanks to security no squabbles devolved into full blown mutinies. Everything was great, we even found a few potentially habitable planets you will have received coordinates for along with this message. However, for 9 months, we found no signs of alien life. So, we decided we would keep exploring until we did. Eventually, we found it. But unfortunately, there was a very glaring problem. For you see, there’s a common throughline with every single alien species we’ve found. Every single one. Not a single fucking one to be different. THEY’RE ALL FUCKING CRABS. Every. Single. Goddamn one is a fucking crab. On land and in sea, and even in the fucking air! 2 pincers, eight legs, round bodies, chitin carapaces. At first we were shocked, then we were confused, now we’re fucking furious. We have gone off into the cosmos, past the boundaries of mankind, we expected to make contact with grand alien empires and see things never even dreamt of before. What do I get? FUCKING CRABS. There’s very little difference in crabs after you’ve found 12 million different species. No humanoids, no dolphins, no dogs, not even a lobster, all crabs! WHY. WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYTHING CRABS. I SWEAR THE NEXT PLANET WE FIND WITH A FUCKING CRAB ON IT I’LL BOMB THE FUCKERS FROM ORBIT! THE FUCKING TREES ON SOME PLANETS WERE CRABS TOO! WHY AREN’T WE CRABS?! ARE THE CRABS ON EARTH FROM SPACE?! ARE THEY SECRETLY INTELLIGENT!?!? IS THE CRAB THE SUPREME LIFEFORM OF THE UNIVERSE?! AN<>KV*(JMKQT#F&G^QG#BF(&Q#TGFCFTQ#JHMNFbUQYAD CMNQAFD So, I’m sure reading this you understand my frustration with the universe at large for cursing me with living as a human and not as a crab. I hope that the government may posthumously pardon us for going AWOL and destroying the single most important vessel ever constructed in mankind’s history, but i’m not sorry.