text: Machiavelli said "It is better to be feared than loved, if one cannot be both" This shit isn't true. No one person can be completely feared or completely loved. It's impossible. I'm no different. Feared by few, loved by some, and hated by many. I didn't ask to be this way. But when you live in a swamp surrounding a dirty river what can you really expect. The sun burned slowly in the background. It's quite common around here for every neighborhood to have a bad part, and my neighborhood is no different. I'm walking down the street looking at the houses that have been painted gray for gentrification, the ones that had a roof attached to them, or this one house that was covered in moss and ivy. It was pretty in it's own way, but ivy had grown on the windows. It made me think of how long it must have been since they last opened that window, considering how much ivy was on it. The sun burned slowly in the background. I started to come up on an alley, when I see someone waiting there. He had a mask on, but I already knew who it was. He went to the school across town. It was surprising seeing him here by himself. He usually is followed around by his crew, who go to the same school as him. The thing about this school was that it wasn't a poor school, or a ghetto school, like the school in the center of town which has bars on it. It was in the rich part of my town, and all the kids who lived in that rich zone went to school there. Despite this, I found them to be the most conniving bastards in the whole city. They would rob anyone, and I was no different. The sun burned slowly in the background. "What's up bitch" he scoffs "C'mon man, you really don't want to do this" I say I knew I could take him, especially because he was by himself. He picks fights with everybody and gets his ass beat. I'm small, but so is he. I think he figured he could target me because I was small. He doesn't really know how to fight though, he just wrestles. I'd just punch him a couple times and he'd be done. I saw a video of him trying to fight. I'd beat him up, and like everyone else, I would be no different. "You're fucking done bro" I thought to myself that I might as well beat his ass in this alley right now. It didn't really occur to me that he maybe had been beaten one too many times. He's known to carry knives, but I didn't really think about any of that. I started to run up on him and connected with his jaw. He fell over, and didn't get up for a couple of seconds so I started to walk away. Then I heard a small click. The faint click of a gun being drawn. I turn around and he's pointing a small, 5 shot revolver at me. A really cheap, shitty gun. I can see the bullets in the chamber. We just stared at each other for a couple of seconds. The sun burned slowly in the background. Part of me hoped the gun would jam. Part of me wanted to make a leap and just run at him, but it's different when you have a gun pointed at you. I considered running away, but I just stood there, staring at him. I was pretty sure he wouldn't shoot me, but I just stared at him not saying anything. He bit his tongue when I punched him, and blood was coming out of his mouth. He fired three shots into my stomach. I felt the bullets rip through my organs, and I fell to the ground. He started running away. Now I'm just staring at this corner store across the street that I never ended up going to. And it hit me that I never will get to go there, because I'm going to die. I started to think of all the things I will never do and the things I will never get to do again. A future that was no longer mine. And the last thing I ever get to see is this shitty fucking corner store. I start to get a feeling of cold water as the blood drains from my body. 19. I die at the ripe old age of 19. I hear sirens, but lets be real, I'm going to die. Nobody's going to survive 3 bullets in your intestines, and I'm no different. Life was nice. Let's watch some highlights. &#x200B; I was born. Held by my mother and kissed by my father at birth. I couldn't fit in the diapers. I grew up normal. Birth of my brother. I'll miss that kid dearly. I hope I find him wherever I am next. Move to the city. It's hot and humid, and we hate it. Moving houses. New house. I always liked telling people about how someone died in it, it made it seem cool. But I think about all the other things I could have been talking about all that time, and the things I'll never get to say to people. Middle school. Mom gets sick, so sick she can't leave bed. School performance goes down, almost got kicked out, moved to an alternative school. Not going to miss this period of my life. High school. Hospitalized in 9th grade, spent 2 years in treatment. I was loved by many there. I met people I'll have to talk to in another lifetime. My friend ant, my friends who we called "the five brothers". The love interests, the girls, the shit I shouldn't have been doing. The hatred of my parents for keeping me there, but knowing fully that I did this to myself. Looking back it was so trivial. I saw flashes from a life I'll never live, girlfriends I'll never have, friendships that I'll never form. A job I wished I had. A house. Money. Stupid things like that, that all mean nothing now. And here we are, back in this alley, in the heat. The sirens are close but I'm gone. I feel the DMT in my brain, and I think to myself "it was ok". They always say it fades to black, but it doesn't. I see light. It almost looks like I'm in a tunnel. I see my mother's face. I never believed in god, and it seems cowardly to accept him as you're dying. I never got to be a man, but I have to face whatever happens next like one. And as I walked through the tunnel towards the light, the sun burned slowly in the background.