text: This is it. This is the moment that I end my own life. I’m on the rooftop and I think I’m ready. People are going to say that they had no idea. That they never would have guessed that I would do something like this. That might be true, if they’d ever truly talked to me before or really knew me. I’ve had depression for a long time but nobody seemed to notice. Maybe they did and I didn’t notice. That doesn’t matter now. Climbing up onto the ledge, I stare down into where my final moments will be. People will most likely say it was unplanned since I didn’t leave a note or anything and for the most part it’s true. All I did was research a couple of buildings with rooftop access that were high enough for my needs. Had to be sure the fall would kill me. No paralysed from the neck down, waist down or going into a coma for me. No I expect to be dead on arrival with that piece of pavement down there. It’s early morning so there’s hardly anyone except the odd car driving by. Hopefully I don’t traumatise anyone. Well this is it. I try to step off then try to jump but I stop myself every time. I’ve been up here too long. I’m too calm and my brain is hardwired to survive. I try to remember all the things that have led up to this decision here. Suddenly I can hear someone talking. I look around and notice that there’s a man with his back to me on the opposite side of the rooftop. “In life and death I will continue to be clear sighted and know the truth. That there is no point. The days of misery and mediocrity in this life are no more. So suck it world” he said. I shout over “hey!” “ahh” he jumps back startled then looks over at me, running his eyes up and down assessing me. “I’m already committed to this, you can’t stop me” he says turning back around getting ready to jump. “I don’t want to stop you. I’m here for the same reason” I call over. He turns back to face me a second time then charges at me full speed, his eyes flashing angrily. I wonder if he’s going to push me over so he doesn’t have to listen to me talk. He stops just short of me and I take a good look at him. He’s wearing a dark suit and looks to be only a year or so older than me. He looks at me and simply says “no” as if in answer to some unspoken question. I wait for him to elaborate. Both of us standing there patiently waiting for one to understand the other. The guy runs out of patience quickly “didn’t you hear me, get out of here!” “Ok just give me second” I said turning back round ready to jump. “No!” he shouts grabbing my arm and pulling me back off the ledge. “This is my spot ok go find somewhere else to die” he says shoving me away. “What no way I was here first” I say outraged. “It doesn’t matter. This has been my spot for over a week and I’m not sharing.” “why does it even matter we’re both going to be dead” I say incredulously. “Of course it matters. I don’t want people thinking we’re part of some gay suicide pact!” “ok i’ll pin a note to myself saying ‘I don’t know this corpse’ He shakes his head “that won’t work people will just think your ashamed of it. You have to find another rooftop” “I was here first you have to find another rooftop” “No this is my spot” “why does it even matter?” He grabs my arm and pull me over to where I first saw him. “look down there” he said. I look down and just see the pavement and road. “no no over there” he says pointing to across the road to a gym where the walls are just glass windows. “All those flabby house mums who just want to have sex again are going to see some reality fall in front of them when I go splat” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing “that’s not a reason to kill yourself!” He smiles as if he expected me to say that. “what I’m about to do is gonna stay with them for the rest of their lives. I’ll have left a permanent mark on their psyches.” Oh god, he's insane. I mean I guess you have to be to kill yourself but still. "Ok fine this is a good location for you thats great but I was here first and I just want to get it over with. So move" I said. "no" "fine" I say and head off to another rooftop edge. He chases after me and jumps in front of me. "ok ok. Look how about we play for it?" He asks and at this point I just want him to leave as fast as possible. "What did you have in mind?" I asked. “Got any change? We could flip for it" "No I didn't think I'd need change in the afterlife" I said sarcastically. "so you think there's an afterlife?" "yes... no, look what else have you got" "rock paper scissors.” I looked into the eyes of a man who was going to duel me with rock paper scissors with the grand prize of death to the winner and I said yes to that insanity. "this is crazy" I say getting my hand out ready. "ok 1... 2 .... 3" "wait your supposed to go after 3" "What are you talking about everyone knows you go on 3" he says irritably. "It's one two three and then you go" I explained. "fine we'll do it your way. ok 1 2 3 go, ha rock beats paper" "ok now your just fucking with me right?" "I had rock you had paper so I win" he said. "Paper covers rock" "and rock smashes through paper" he said triumphantly. "what... no it's... fuck its exhausting talking to you" He smiled "off you go now it’s killing time" and then louder he shouted "Dead man walking" as he approached the edge. I hadn't moved, in fact I was actively watching him transfixed by a morbid curiosity. He soon noticed this too and said "I thought you were leaving." "don't worry I'm not going to jump. You know gay suicide pact thing and all" His eyes narrowed "why don't you just find another rooftop" "that’s what I'm going to do" I said surprised "no you said you weren't going to jump. At all." "Of course I'm going to do it why else would I be up here?" "maybe originally you were going to but now you seem... unsure" "I guess doing all this shit with you. I mean if I really wanted to end my own life I'd have just ignored you to begin with and just did it" I said. He nodded as if he understood "maybe I'm just depressed" I offered. "maybe. Well two audience members are better than one" "now I’m the confused one" "you've been the confused one this whole time" he joked. I ignore it and press on "who's the other audience member" I ask wipingthe smile off of his face. He turns round back to facing the ledge "it doesn't matter" I get up onto the ledge with him and follow his line of site back to that gym. I see one woman in her mid forties exercising vigoursly on a stationary bike. "Is that your mum?" "yep" "Jesus, you shouldn't kill yourself because you hate your mum." "what would you know. You said it yourself your just depressed" he snarled "aren't you? Aren't you angry and sad all the time like me?" "You see that post there?" he said pointing next to the gym. I nodded "that's where I'd stand when I was little and mum had to exercise" "so what you had to wait outside for an hour every once in a while when you were little?" "It might have been that way a few times but mostly she'd find some guy and she'd disappear for the rest of the night and if she came back and I wasn't right where she left me at that post as soon as we got home she'd just start hitting me saying things like she wished she'd bought condoms that week." I didn't know what to say to that. "sometimes if the guy came home with her she'd have him do it for her while she got ready in the bedroom" Ok now I knew what to say "so what?" his eyes flashed angrily "didn't you hear a word I said" "yeah and you know what fuck her" "what?" "fuck her. don't let that bitch win. You don't have to take that shit any more. just walk away from her. Fuck her" He shook his head "I've left before and it always ends with her calling the police or me running out of money" "your what 17?" He nodded "so you graduate in like 6 months then. You only need to hold out till then" "I got kicked out. For fighting." I smiled "that's what other schools are for" I could see that he starting to come around "I've got nowhere to go though" "6 months will go by pretty quickly" I said. He shook his head firmly and lifted up shirt to reveal a large bruise running down his side. "Her latest boyfriend. I can't stay there" "You could stay with me then. All I know is you shouldn't kill yourself because of her. Fuck her now you say it" "Fuck her" "louder" "FUCK HER!" we both laughed headed back off of the edge towards the door "hang on one sec" I said. I went back over to that edge and peered over. If this were film or something all of our problems would be solved by now. But it isn't and they’re not. That guy who was abused as a kid who I think I can call a friend now after nearly dying with him was still abused and I'm still well... me. I don't want dive into my issues now it’s not a competition. I look back and the roof’s empty. Panic sets in. Did I just hallucinate him? Did this fucking cliché really just happen to me where the apparition shows the man the truth thus saving him from himself. Am I schizophrenic now? Maybe I should ju... “hey you coming?” he pops his head out from behind the door. Immediately relieved “yeah let’s go” “Christ your slow” he mumbles as we head down the steps.