text: So there was this girl. She glowed. Like she was made out of christmas lights. The first time I saw her, I just thought, “Oh man, what a cute chick.” But that’s it. I didn’t really give her a second thought. I just went on with my life. She was really beautiful, but there are a lot of really beautiful girls in this world. Like, I see beautiful girls all the time. But, then, I soon saw this specific beautiful girl again. And again. And again. I just kept randomly seeing her at different places. And I wasn’t even sure if it was really the same girl. It just seemed super weird that I’d keep randomly seeing her at different places like that. However, I was definitely inclined to think it was the same chick. Because, I mean, she fucking glowed, you guys. Like white sneakers in the back of Spencer's Gifts. Either way, the more I saw her; the more she stood out to me. And the more she stood out to me; the more I was able to determine that it was in fact the same exact chick. Eventually, I was able to learn her name. And I even managed to talk to her a little bit. And, yeah, she turned out to be coolest, my dudes. Just like unique and nice and super chill and funny. Seemed like she had dope interests and like a kindness to her heart. I mean, I still barely knew her. But, yeah, I don’t know, man, I just really liked her. I felt like she was so god damn special. It just seemed like she was exactly the type of girl I’d always wanted to meet, ya know. But, well, was I the exact type of dude that she’d always wanted to meet? You see, that was the question, my friends. Like, was her ideal Prince Charming a lazy, immature pothead with a lame job, a shitty car, a messy apartment, and a goofy looking face? I mean, it seemed technically possible, but... So, yeah, you know me, guys. I didn’t go for it. I just didn’t have the confidence to try and make anything happen. I didn’t want to seem like a character from Monsters Inc thinking he had a shot with one of chicks from Frozen. But I still kept seeing her, man. Randomly, all of the time, at different places. And, of course, every single time, she glowed. Like Rainbow Road. Alright... So... I’m not really sure exactly when it started, but, eventually, without me even realizing it; I kinda started to dress a little nicer each day. Nothing crazy, but, ya know, I just began to try and look a little less homeless than usual. Just in case I saw Glow Girl that day. And again, it wasn’t anything insane. I just payed a little more attention to how I looked before I left my apartment each morning because I never knew when I might see her. And, like I said, I didn’t even really realize it. But it was soon pointed out to me. By like multiple people. My boss mentioned something about me looking more professional lately. My parents kept telling me how oddly nice I looked when I saw them. This super cute chick at the coffee place I go to started complimenting my sweaters. It was kinda awesome. But it was also kinda weird. Because I did quickly put together that the only reason I was dressing nicer was because of Glow Girl. But nobody else knew that obviously. So they all just made it seem like I was finally getting my shit together or something. And I clearly knew that wasn’t the case. I was still just the lame, insecure, neurotic loser who ate fast food every night, smoked too many cigarettes, drank about ten pots of coffee a day, and cried during rom-coms. But, well, that’s when I started thinking... Like, okay, stay with me here. I knew I sucked. You guys know I suck. But Glow Girl did not know that I sucked. And, like, so far, all I had done was dress just a tiny bit nicer. But, already, people were kinda acting like I sucked less. So, it was like, maybe I could just do more of this, ya know. Like, maybe I could just pretend I really was finally getting my shit together. I mean, I had absolutely no intention at all of actually getting my shit together. But, well, who said I couldn’t pretend to. I knew I was never going to be the type of guy that Glow Girl would picture herself ending up with. But, in reality, I didn’t really have to be that type of guy. I just needed her to think that I was. I was already randomly seeing her all the time at a bunch different places. I figured all I really had to do was pretend to be a much better person than I actually am whenever I was around her. Alright... So... Operation Good Guy went into effect. Now, I had already begun dressing a little nicer, but I kinda wanted to up the ante. So I went out and bought just like a ton of new clothes. Nothing too fancy or expensive or anything, but just, ya know, stuff that was an improvement over the same shit I’d been wearing since high school. Then, I called up my hairdresser, White Rihanna, and I got a dope haircut. And, I gotta admit, I looked good. Well, as good as I could. I wasn’t exactly able to improve the overall goofiness of my face or anything. However, you know what they say: you can’t always change the picture, but you can usually give it a fucking sweet frame. Okay, maybe they don’t always say that, but they should. Either way, I was no longer just hoping that I’d see Glow Girl every day. I was now also hoping that she’d see me. And, well, that’s when I started thinking... Like, I’d been randomly seeing Glow Girl all the time at different places, right? So, it would stand to reason, if I went out more often, to more different places: I’d probably randomly see Glow Girl more. I mean, we lived in a pretty fucking small town, man. The more I was out and about; the more I was gonna run into this chick. And, don’t get me wrong, I didn’t want to do anything, ever, other than just sit in my shitty apartment smoking weed, eating candy, and playing xbox. I definitely didn’t want to go out and just do stuff. However...I could pretend I did. So I started just, like, going out and doing more stuff, dude. I mean, my friends had always texted me a lot to meet up for drinks or whatever, but I’d usually make up some excuse as to why I couldn’t go. But, yeah, I don’t know, I just started saying okay and meeting up with them. And we’d usually end up having a lot of fucking fun. I also started kinda hanging out with my family more often. I’d always gotten along great with my family, but I’d usually only see them once every couple of weeks or so. But I just sorta started texting them and seeing if they wanted to go out to dinner and shit. And it was great. Sometimes it would just be me and my sister or brother. Other times just me and parents. A few times we got the whole crew together. It was just nice, ya know. And, sure, none of my friends or family knew the real reason I was suddenly going out so much with them was just to improve my chances of seeing somebody else. But, I mean, whatever. In the end, we’d always just have a great time together. So, I just felt like who cares, ya know. Now...having said that...guys, the plan was totally fucking working! Like, the more I went out, the more I randomly saw Glow Girl. And naturally she was always glowing. Like stars reflecting over the ocean. But, now, I felt like I looked kinda nice too. I wasn’t really sure whether or not she noticed. But something just told me she did, man. Still, would that be enough? I mean, anyone could dress nice. That alone wasn’t going to make me her dream guy or whatever. The rest of my life was still a giant fucking mess. But...then again...I could always pretend it wasn’t. Alright... So... My car was kind of like a piece of shit. And I obviously wasn’t going to go out and buy a new car. But I figured I’d just pretend mine wasn’t such a piece of shit. So I cleaned it and washed it. Went out and got some new stuff for the interior. Just tried to make it look decent, ya know. And, yeah, man, when I was done, it actually looked pretty good. Like, you’d totally think I was responsible and took care of it for years or whatever. My apartment was just sorta sad. Like, I’d been living there for a while, but there was barely anything in there. I had two bedrooms, but one of them was literally completely empty. So I just went out and bought some stuff. A bunch of new furniture, got some artwork for the walls, a couple of lamps, a few plants. I turned my empty spare bedroom into a neat little comic book covered office. I ended up making my whole apartment look pretty fucking dope. And, like, guys, I knew I’d probably never have Glow Girl in my car, or get her back to my apartment or anything. But, I mean, I just wanted to make it seem like my life wasn’t a giant mess. So, yeah, I just figured cleaning up my apartment and car would be a good way to start. And, you know what, dude, again, that shit kinda worked. Well, I mean, not really, but I was driving the one day, and I saw Glow Girl again. She was glowing of course. Like a raver’s plastic jewelry. She was with some friends, but she saw me and she waved. So, yeah, I just felt like having her see me in my newly washed and cleaned car was better than having her see me in the dirt box that it very recently was. Especially given that she was with her friends. And, well, that’s when I started thinking... Like, I had yet to really consider the fact that Glow Girl had friends. I mean, I obviously knew she would, but I just hadn’t really thought about it before. She was the fucking coolest so she probably had a million friends. And, ya know, we lived in a pretty fucking small town, man. So, like, she could be friends with people I passed on the street everyday, or random dudes I’d see out, or even like the super cute chick from the coffee place I go to who liked my sweaters. I mean, literally, anyone at all whom I encountered could wind up being her friend. Or if not her friend; maybe her neighbor, or like her cousin, or her old field hockey teammate. Like, the possibilities were endless. And, at first, I was like, FUCK. Because this whole time I had just been worried about what I looked like and how I acted when I saw Glow Girl. But now I realized that wasn’t going to to be enough. Because like, at anytime, I could be around people who knew her or were friends with her or whatever. But, the more I thought about that shit, the more I started to consider that it may in fact be a good thing. Because it was like, now, I could just pretend to be awesome, all of the time, around completely random people. And just assume one or more of them knew Glow Girl. Then, ya know, if my name ever came up, someone close to Glow Girl would just be like, “Oh man, that dude’s fucking awesome.” Alright... So... I just started pretending to be a better person than I am, to everyone, everywhere, all of the time. And I know that sounds kinda crazy, but it was actually remarkably simple. Like, I was just nicer to people. And friendlier. More generous. More caring. I gave people compliments for no reason other than to make them feel good. I went out of my way to help people whenever I thought they could use it. I just pretended to be a genuinely good dude, man. Like, I grew up idolizing superheroes so it really wasn’t that hard. I just did the type of shit I thought Chris Evans would do. But I didn’t stop with how I acted towards random people. I kept it going with how I acted when I was simply around random people. Like, I’d always see a ton of random people at the grocery store. Who knew which ones might end up being friends with Glow Girl. I figured I should just make myself look like a well put together individual in front of all of them. So I started buying like fruits and vegetables and actual food instead of just filling up my entire cart with sour patch kids and CT Crunch. This resulted in me not having to eat fast food as much which I saw as a secondary plus. Because no single guy looks great walking through their apartment’s courtyard with seventeen bags of Taco Bell. Eventually, this kinda led to the next step which was huge. Like, now that my plan was just to try look good in front of random people; there was one thing I definitely knew made me look bad. The fact that I had a cigarette in my mouth 24/7. I knew smoking was gross. I knew it made me look gross. Now I knew I had to stop. So I did. I mean, I’m not gonna lie, I didn’t quit completely. But I just decided I would never smoke in front of someone who could end up knowing Glow Girl. And since I assumed everyone could end up knowing her. That meant I couldn’t smoke around anyone. Combine that with the fact I refused to smoke in my newly cared for car, and the fact that my entire apartment complex was smoke-free; and, yeah, it wasn’t long until my pack a day habit was down to like just a few drunken cigarettes a week or so. Now, while all of this happening; I kept seeing Glow Girl. Still, all of the time, at different places. And, ya know, every time, she’d be glowing. Like a jerk’s cell phone screen in a movie theater. But, with each time I saw her; yeah, I mean, I don’t know, I just kinda talked to her a little more, you guys. And I started feeling way more comfortable doing it. I think it was just because I really believed my whole pretend to be a better person plan was working so well. Like, I knew in reality I was still a shitty person, but I just felt like I was totally passing as a pretend okay guy. And, like, man, I fucking loved talking to this chick. She just made me laugh. I made her laugh a lot too. And, yeah, that just made me insanely fucking happy. No, for real, like insanely fucking happy. Seriously, I just started being a lot happier, in general. It was like I suddenly didn’t hate waking up in the morning. I looked forward to what adventures my new pretend persona might get into each day. It was kinda as though Glow Girl just made my whole fucking world seem a little bit brighter. Soon, my newly found anti-pessimism spilled over into my shitty job. Like, my whole deal at work is basically just me talking to people and trying to get them to like me. And it turned out a happier me was a whole lot more likable. So I started doing kinda well. Like, improving my performance noticeably. And, more than that, I started having a little bit of fun with it. I was just in a better mood, doing better than I ever had, and it became sorta easy to kinda enjoy myself. My shitty job almost stopped seeming so shitty. Alright... So... I was now trying to look nicer each day. I was going out more and more often with my friends and family and having fun. I was taking good care of my car and my apartment. I was eating healthier. I was smoking way less. I was doing a lot better at work. I was trying to be an awesome person to everyone I encountered everyday. And I was the happiest I’d been in a long time. It really did seem like I’d finally gotten my shit together. And, well, I had to keep reminding myself that it was all just pretend. Because it started to feel pretty god damn real, you guys. Like, honestly, man, it just began to seem like my entire life had vastly improved. It felt like everyone liked me more. I know that sounds lame, but it’s true. I felt like I had more friends than I’d had since way back in the day. And it felt like girls were suddenly not totally against fucking me. No joke, I had two just like sorta random girls ask me out for drinks. I mean, shit, guys, that had literally never happened to me before in my life. And, well, that’s when I started thinking... Maybe this wasn’t all just pretend. I mean, like, I really had been doing all of this stuff that I thought would make me seem like a better person. And everyone was kinda treating me like I had become a better person. And I had kinda started to feel like I was truly being a better person. So, like, maybe I really was a better person? And, sure, this had all started as just a way for me to pretend to be the type of guy I thought Glow Girl would like. Because, ya know, she glowed. Like a five and half foot tall, girl-shaped lava lamp. But, it had turned into a lot more than that, you guys. I didn’t know for sure if I’d become the type of person Glow Girl would like. But I just finally felt like I’d become the type of person I liked. I didn’t feel like a piece of shit anymore. I was no longer embarrassed about the person I was. I felt the opposite actually. I was fucking proud of myself. Like, I really had turned into a pretty good dude. There was only one question remaining. Would I be good enough? Alright... So... The next time I saw Glow Girl, I was beaming with confidence. I was beaming with pride. I was beaming with excitement. In fact, I was beaming so god damn much...you could say I was glowing. I knew it was time to finally make my move. But, before I did, I made a promise to myself. No matter what happened; I wasn’t going to go back to the old me. I was just continue being the best version of myself that I could. Because even if Glow Girl still didn’t like me. That was fine. Because, for the first time in a long time, I liked me. And I knew that was way more fucking important. Still, there was no denying this had all started with her. She was the reason I had wanted to be a better person. She was the reason I had worked so hard to become a better person. And she was the reason I was so excited to be a better person. She was the girl of my dreams, you guys. I liked her so fucking much. I’m lame, and I believe in true love. I always have, and I always will. And, honestly; I really just felt like she might be it, man. I mean, she fucking glowed. Like she was made out of sunshine. So...I finally asked her out. Nothing major, I just asked her if she wanted to maybe get dinner together sometime. And... Well... Let’s all just pretend she said yes.