text: Okay, so I was 18 years old, and I was dating this girl. And, like, dude, I’m not gonna lie to ya; I was just straight up, head over heels in love with this chick, man. Like, I swear to God, she looked like sunshine and smelled like the rain. And those are my two biggest weaknesses. So, I mean, what can I say? I was super into her. Anyways, we started dating in like August. So, by the time Christmas rolled around like five months later, I was just beyond smitten with her, ya know. And I just really wanted to make the holidays special for her. So...I decided I’d buy her four gifts. Why four gifts? Well, that’s easy. It’s because I’m a giant loser, and, even at eighteen, I already had a fucking weird obsession with making shit rhyme. So I decided I’d get this chick... Something Expensive Something Cheap Something Useful And Something Sweet And I know what you’re thinking; like, dude, that doesn’t even rhyme. But, whatever, fuck you guys, I figured it rhymed close enough, and either way it would look cute written in a card. Plus, I mean, it was a good excuse to buy this chick a bunch of shit, and I was excited to do that because she was dope as hell. Okay, so, first up, I needed to buy her something expensive. And that was pretty easy. I just went to this jewelry store, and I bought her this like really pretty, super sparkly bracelet. It was like $200, which at the time was like 80% of my entire life savings. But it was gorgeous, and I knew she’d love it. So I bought it. Next, I needed something cheap. And again that was super easy. This chick was obsessed with “Hugs”. You guys remember “Hugs”, right? They’re like those colorful fruit juices that come in the little plastic barrel-like containers for kids? You know what I mean, right? Well, yeah, this chick adored those things. So, I just bought her a whole bunch of them. And then, because I’m fucking adorable, I also bought her a big bag of Hershey’s Kisses. So, for something cheap, she was getting...”Hugs”....and Kisses. Okay, next up was something useful. Now, I gotta be honest here, this one was mostly for me. You see, like, this chick lived with her mom and sister. But, like, her mom was never fucking home. So we’d spend a shitload of time at this girl’s house, and I’d often end up spending the night in her room. And in her room...she had a tv, she had a cable box, she had a DVD player, and she had a speaker system. Which was neat or whatever. But, it also meant she had four different remote controls. And, dude, I swear to god, this chick could never figure out how to work any of them. So, every time we’d go to watch a movie in her room, it would turn into this whole fucking project about what buttons to hit on what remote. So, again mostly just for my own convenience, I decided for something useful; I’d just get her a fucking universal remote. And so I did. Okay. So... Something expensive - check Something cheap - check Something useful - check The only thing left for me to get her was something sweet. Now, you guys know me, I’m like the sweetest motherfucker of all time. I write love poems, I do a lot favors for friends, I take care of random old ladies who live near me. Sometimes I’ll just get bored and raise like 10 grand for charity. Like, your boy is sweet as fuck. But, for some reason, when it came to getting this chick something sweet...I was just drawing a blank. Like, I just couldn’t come up with any ideas. So, I spent weeks racking my brain, but by the morning of Christmas Eve, I still had nothing. And I was still one gift short. So it was just before noon, and I had pretty much accepted that I’d only be giving this chick the three gifts. But, either way, I decided to head over to the Lewiston CVS to grab wrapping paper. It was snowing pretty good outside, but I easily made the short trip. I walked into CVS, and then suddenly, just like that, BOOM!! IT HIT ME!! THE BARBIE PHONE!!! You see, back in October, this chick and I had stopped at CVS to get Halloween candy. And, at the time, she spotted this “Barbie Phone” in the little tiny CVS toy section. And she went nuts for it. It was like a real wall telephone, but it just had a Barbie theme to it. And there were like buttons on it that you could press to have Barbie say things while you were talking to someone. Like, dude, I know this thing sounds weird, but whatever, it was just a “Barbie Phone”. I don’t know how else to explain it, but the details really don’t matter. Either way, this chick had wanted the phone so much because she was a nerd, but I had refused to let her get it because it was clearly made for like 12 year olds. However, now, here I was, at CVS, in need of something sweet to buy this girl. So why not the silly Barbie phone she had made such a big deal about a couple of months ago, right? So, I enthusiastically walked over to the little CVS toy section to pick up my final gift... But there was no Barbie phone. Anywhere. I was like, “...........fuck.” So, now with much less enthusiasm, I walked up to the front counter. There were two employees there. I said, “Hey, uhhh, you guys had this Barbie phone here a couple of months ago, but I don’t see it now. Any chance you have one hanging around out back?” They were like, “A what now?” I was like, “Uhhh....a Barbie....phone?” They were just like, “Yeah, I don’t think we sell those.” I was like, “No, dude, you guys totally had one in the toy section back in October.” They were like, “Well, if it’s not there anymore, then we must be out.” I was like, “Damn, man. Is there anyway for you guys to check if the CVS in the Falls has it?” They’re like, “......no”. I’m like, “Awesome.” So I left the Lewiston CVS, feeling defeated. But, as I walked out, I saw a sign indicating the company’s Holiday hours. And it said they’d be open until 5 o’clock on Christmas Eve. And it was currently only about 12:30. So, I figured, fuck it, I’ll just drive up to the CVS in Niagara Falls real quick to see if they have this stupid phone. Unfortunately, it was getting snowier and snowier outside, so the drive was somewhat treacherous. But I eventually reached the Falls CVS. I went inside, walked right over to the little toy section, and.... No Barbie phone. .....fuck. Again. So, I once again approached the front counter and asked them about the phone. But, once again, they had no clue what I was talking about. However, they were still way more helpful than Lewiston had been. They said they couldn’t check inventory of an item without a barcode, but they suggested I try the CVS in Sanborn because it was the biggest one around. I asked them for the address, and they just printed it out for me on a list of all the area locations. So I left the CVS in the Falls. By now, it was about 1:30. And it was snowing really, really bad. But, like, dude.... I kinda wanted to find this fucking phone. So, I embarked on my trip to Sanborn. Now, keep in mind, I was eighteen at the time, so like I didn’t have an electronic voice on my phone telling me where to go or anything. There wasn’t any GPS. It was just me, winging it. So, it took some time and a little luck, but I eventually reached the Sanborn CVS. And I went inside... And...lo and behold... STILL NO FUCKING BARBIE PHONE!! So, driving to Sanborn through a fucking blizzard had taken me forever. It was almost 3pm already. Every CVS would be closing at 5. I was quickly running out of time. I checked the list of area locations. There were basically only two options left for me. There was Tonawanda. Or there was Newfane. I knew with the weather, I’d never be able to do both. So I had to choose. And I chose Tonawanda. So I left the Sanborn CVS and began my trip to the Tonawanda CVS. However, as it turned out, I had no fucking clue how to get to Tonawanda, let alone find the CVS there. And, it had begun snowing so fucking much that I literally couldn’t even tell where I was going. Before long, I was just completely fucking lost in white-out conditions. The time kept ticking away. 330. 4. 415. And I just had absolutely no fucking idea where I was. I was just like driving down random roads, trying not to die. And then... The craziest thing happened... I saw a sign that said, “Welcome to Newfane”. I was like, “Dude, what the fuck?!?” I realized I had somehow managed to get spun around in the snow and driven in the completely wrong direction. But...I looked at the time...and it was only 430. I saw a gas station and pulled in. I quickly ran inside. I shouted to the lady working, “Hey, is there a CVS near here?” She replied, “Yeah, it’s like two blocks down on the right.” I was like, “No fucking way”. I hopped back in my car, and shot down the road until I saw one big sign with three little letters. I pulled into the parking lot. It was 4:42. I ran inside. I went straight for the little toy section... And, guys, no fucking joke... I found the Barbie Phone. BOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!! Dude, I was so stoked. Like, this is a true story, you guys. I legitimately drove all over on a snowy Christmas Eve looking for a stupid Barbie phone. But I actually fucking found it at the last second. Okay. So, it took me forever to get home that night. But I made it. The next morning, Christmas, I did brunch and presents with my family. Later on, I drove over to this girl’s house with her gifts. She was also having a big family thing, and as soon as I got there, we all sat down to eat. We hung out there for a few hours, but we were with her family the whole time, and we didn’t have a chance to do our presents. I ended up having to leave to go eat more food with my parents, but the girl and I planned to meet back up again afterwards. She promised she wouldn’t open her gifts until we were with each other again that night. Well, the night soon came. And I drove back over to her house. And as soon as I pulled into her driveway and got out my car; her front door burst open and she came running out at me. She barreled down the driveway, reached me, and just leapt into my arms. And then, on Christmas night, underneath the stars, we shared the type of kiss you’d normally only see at the end of an old Hugh Grant movie. We finally stopped kissing, and I asked her, “What was that for?” She smiled and said, “I got impatient and opened my presents.” I laughed and said, “Oh yeah? How’d I do?” She was just like, “Ian, I literally cannot fucking believe you bought me.... ....such an expensive bracelet.