text: The Disappearance of Gabbie This is a true story of how my friend disappeared. This story begins in 2010 when I started high school. Elementary school had been problematic for me. I was stuck with the same group of uninteresting and somewhat displeasing personalities. People liked me, but I had few friends and wasn’t very social. What friends I did have where a bit of a hassle, as these friendships were very one sided with me just listening to what they had to say so I wouldn’t feel lonely. High school promised new adventures and a better environment for my growth. I was getting away from the stale personalities that had surrounded me for the past 8 years and leaving the more annoying of my friends behind. The school itself seemed promising and exciting! To an extent this was true, but I was still a sad, lonely little teen with little social skills. I still found myself in friendships that felt empty and awkward. Then I met her. In my grade 9 music class I met a girl named Gabbie. She was a shy nerdy girl who played clarinet just like me. From day 1 I could tell she had a crush on me, and despite my desire for a girlfriend, I wasn’t really interested in her. High school continued, and our friendship grew, until grade 11 when we became best friends. We shared a lot of classes so we went everywhere together. She introduced me to Doctor Who and we played Dungeons and Dragons. I was desperate for a girlfriend or a date or something, anything to make me feel less lonely. I was aware of my desperation and I knew that it wasn’t healthy because that attitude would lead me into an unfulfilling relationship that would do more harm than good. But then there was Gabbie. She understood me, she introduced me to so many interesting things and listened to what I had to say. The person I was looking for was sitting right in front of me and was waiting for me to love them back. Our relationship began awkwardly, but we quickly fell deeply in love. She became my emotional support where I had none. You see, my family is sort of an empty shell, at least for me. My parents may be my parents, but I don’t feel I can approach them about my troubles and they have little interest in what goes on in my life. This was the reason I felt so alone up until that point. But now I had someone to be there for me and couldn’t be happier. However, I became more aware of this problem as we continued dating. When I visited her place and saw how she acted around her sister and father and his girlfriend, it was so different from the way my family interacted. It felt right. One day I even jokingly asked if I could live with them. 2012 turned into 2013 and in January I got a concussion from horsing around with my friends and had to stay home from school for a couple weeks. I could tell she was worried about me. She suffered from depression and had starting taking medication when we start dating. I worried about her and the effects the medication had on her. On top of that, she had recently found out she was allergic to diary and glutton. Overall, not a very good time for either of us. Nevertheless, I did my best to show her my love and try to take care of her. The problem was despite having dated for 3 months she had still not fully opened up to me. She had some trust issues and kept most of her worries to herself. I knew she was doing this and wanted to help her, but she remained distant. But in trying to get her to open up, I was devoting myself more and more to her, and she wasn’t doing the same. Unknown to me, the relationship was becoming one-sided and was headed for disaster. I began to worry that she didn’t really love me, that I was doing something wrong. I kept these worries to myself and they began to build and build. One night I snapped. I had invited her and some friends over to hang out as I recovered from my concussion. One of my friends was getting a little too friendly with her and I was getting frustrated, but didn’t say anything. I didn’t know what to do, so I just left. In my own house, I stormed off and hid, leaving my friends to wonder what had happened. They became concerned and called my mom who came to investigate. All I wanted to do was see Gabbie and talk with her; my mother wasn’t going to help me. My mom got Gabbie to talk to me and I told her I needed to know that she loved me, she said “of course”, but at that point it was too late. I don’t remember much of what happened next and there are certain things which are a complete mystery. We tried to talk it out, but neither of us could say what we wanted to say. I hid from her and she got angry at me. My only line of support had turned against me but I continued to hide from her, which drove us further and further apart. I made some feeble attempts to try and talk with her, but that only made things worse. I was hurting her even though all I wanted to was help her. I was advised by the school guidance counselor to stop talking to her and to forget her. It was over. That year was the worst year of my life. I needed that support more than ever, but it was now working against me. My parents tried to help me, but they only made things worse. I became severely depressed and felt unwanted and alone. If it weren’t for my other friend, I probably never would have made it. All through the rest of high school she stayed on the back of my mind. I hoped beyond hope that somehow something would let me at least talk to Gabbie again. Even if I couldn’t do that, I just wanted to make sure she would be alright. I learned that before we had started dating she had tried to commit suicide. This only made me worry more. We didn’t have to date again, if only we could be friends. If only I could make her see how much she meant to me. While this was happening, she began to change. She dyed her hair, she got piercings and gained some weight. It seemed the shy but feisty girl I had fallen in love with had gone. Whenever I heard her and her friends talking, they always sounded so negative and depressing. Somehow I made it through grade 11. Grade 12 was better, but I still could not be around her. I often fantasized what I would say to her if I could go back in time before we broke up, before all this started. I just wanted to let her know how much she meant to me. When the summer of 2014 rolled around, I told myself that I would never see her again. I was gone most of the summer for cadet training, home for 2 weeks, then it was off to university far away from my hometown. She would go somewhere else and I would be forced to forget her. Goodbye Gabbie. University has been the best thing that has happened to me yet. I should point out that the major reason I am not still suffering from depression or something similar is that I am an optimist. I’m always looking on the bright side of life and I find it exhilarating to be alive! This became more apparent in university. In first year, life seemed amazing! School wasn’t too hard, I made lots of friends and built up my social skills, and I went to parties. It seemed like my life had completely turned around. For the most part I was care-free. But Gabbie still haunted me. Since about the start of 2014 I had been searching for someone else to love. This search became more successful in university, but Gabbie remained my first and only girlfriend. And so she sat at the back of my mind and reminded me what it felt like to truly love someone and mocked my at my futile attempts to talk to girls. That being said, in my search to get her off my mind, I analyzed our relationship with more mature eyes and found that it probably wouldn’t have worked anyways. Because she was an introvert and so shy, we may have been deeply in love, but the actually relationship wasn’t all that great. I realized there was more she could have done to move it from a friendship to a relationship. As summer approached, my friend introduced me to another girl. She was vibrant, full of life and adventurous, all things I wanted more of in my life. I made sure to myself that this was no going to fill the hole Gabbie had left. This new relationship was going to be different. I was going to learn from my experiences with Gabbie. However, in some ways this new girl and Gabbie were the same. They both were unwilling to open their hearts. Gabbie arose from the depths of my mind to haunt me again. The new girl tried to help me, but she had some issues of her own which made it hard. This new relationship was an improvement and gave me lots of self-confidence, but there was no love. Fortunately, I was able to end the relationship gently and we have remained friends, although don’t get the opportunity to talk much. At this point, I was fed up with Gabbie. She was the only thing that was holding me back. She was getting in the way of my future relationships and haunting me in my darkest hours, and she wasn’t even around. I was doing this to myself through her. Although I knew that, I couldn’t make her go away. She was the only thing holding me back from having a good life. I needed to sort this out once and for all. But then I was reminded of the full effect she had on me. I needed to see her face. I needed to face it head-on and confront my fears. I couldn’t meet with her, I was too far away and it would only end in disaster. Thankfully we live in the age of the internet. However, at the mere sight of her Facebook profile picture, I began to panic. I tried many times, but could bring myself to look at her for more than a couple seconds. I tried messaging her closest friend, hoping she would understand that I didn’t want this to continue, that this was for the best of both me and her. I didn’t want to put her though anymore hardship. All I said was “HI” but her friend never replied to the message. Life kept moving around me and I was forced to leave my darkest secret unresolved. I have matured greatly since high school, and so has my goals for a relationship. No longer will I jump at any girl that shows interest in me (only to somehow screw it up); I want something meaningful. I want to date someone that is confident and capable that I can lean on if I need to. Someone who is steady so I can feed off their steadiness but no rely on them as my sole pillar of support. I want to find someone passionate and insightful. These criteria maybe a bit close-minded, but I am not, I am willing to let the chips fall where they may. I have more confidence and I am quite charming. So once again I seek to free myself of Gabbie. Although I recognized her as the one thing holding me back, I can’t hate her; she’s only human. Besides, it’s me that is doing this to myself. The other night I decided to face my fears again. I was going to see what Gabbie was up to, and let that be the first step in letting go for good. I looked her up on Facebook on my phone, as I did a couple months before. Nothing. What? Nothing?! That impossible! There is no Gabbie, or Gabby, or Gabe that I was looking for! What about her friends, surely they have her in their friend lists? Nothing! Her sister, maybe she got new friends. Nothing from her sister! Even a Google search only turns up old Prezi presentations of hers from back in high school. She’s gone! Like completely disappeared! That impossible? What if she committed suicide? Please don’t let that be the case! Anything but that! But there is nothing of the sort in her friends feed. There are still pictures of her from back in high school, but otherwise, she is gone. I texted my friends, the one who had helped me through those dark times. The one who had been there when she couldn’t. Nothing. He had lost contact with her. Needless to say, I didn’t sleep very well that night. It continued to bug me the next night. I continued my search. No one just disappears, not from the internet. Did she block me? Is it possible to complete remove yourself from Facebook to one person? Searching on my laptop didn’t help, even when I checked her parent’s pages. I found myself on her friends Friend list. There were a couple of categories, maybe that will help narrow the search. I check the “university” tab, I know they go to the same school. Nothing. Wait. I see a familiar face, but the name doesn’t match up. Let me explain one thing. Gabbie’s friend, whose Facebook profile I was currently snooping, had never known her father; she was a test-tube baby. In protest to this, she had changed her last name from her father’s to her mothers. Gabbie’s parent had split up, so I considered she might do the same. Sure enough, this familiar face had the same last name as Gabbie’s mother. But the first name was that of a male. It’s worth a shot! Sure enough, it was her, or him rather. He had completely changed and was even growing some stubble, but this had definitely once been Gabbie. This was a completely different person who even seemed happy about themselves. I was shocked. I didn’t know what to think. I knew she had been sort of a tom-boy, that was what I liked about her, but I never thought she would go and become a he. My shock wore off and everything began to settle in. I realized that I was alright with this. Actually, it suited him. I felt a bond with this person. It felt like if we were to ever meet - if we assume they were a new person - that we could get along. We might even get along better than me and Gabbie. But I was also right knowing that I may never get that chance. This new person probably had a satisfying life of their own. They had been freed of their past self and was living the life they wanted to live. Gabbie was gone. Gabbie was no more. Since she had started changing just after we broke up, you could say that sort of when it happened. That was how I had felt before and it had helped me cope - thinking that Gabbie wasn’t Gabbie anymore. But now it was true. It had actually happened. Gabbie had disappeared. I still wish I could go back and see Gabbie one more time. I would let her know what she meant to me and that she was such a wonderful person that was capable of so much. Most importantly, I would get the chance to say goodbye. I think I wanted that most of all. This now has the added realism of being that last time I could talk to Gabbie. Because after that, the shy but beautiful girl I feel in love with in high school would disappear. Not long has passed since I discovered Gabbie’s disappearance, so I’m not totally sure if I have made my peace or not. But I hope that in telling this story I will find that peace. I am seeking out professional help to make sure that I am the best person I can be, but this is a huge step in the right direction. Best of luck to this new person which has just recently been brought into the world. Thank you for everything Gabbie, goodbye.