text: Poncho sat, crisscrossed applesauce, on the carpet, slamming two toy trucks against one another repeatedly. He had been doing this for hours without getting bored. He liked the sound they made. He liked the anticipation of the moment of impact. He wondered how long it would take before one or both broke. He didn’t want it to happen, but he was surprised it hadn’t and was curious if it might. He enjoyed breaking things and seeing if he could put them back together. He noticed that this did not make his dad very happy, but he couldn’t help himself. He liked creating messes and then seeing how effectively he could clean them up. He paused as his father came in through the front door, briefcase in one hand and phone in the other, speaking softly to the invisible person on the other end, “Trust me, I’m trying. Look, it isn’t as easy as you think...” his dad stopped. Frozen. He glanced at Poncho and quickly put the phone behind his back. As if trying to hide it. As if to disguise the fact that it was really there. Poncho couldn’t raise his eyebrow just yet, but if he could, he would have. He had seen the phone. Did his father not know that? “Hey buddy,” his father said in a voice that was too loud and a smile that was too big, “I didn’t see you there...” Poncho stared and said nothing. He had realized at a very early age that if he said nothing, people were bound to say more. To speak faster. To reveal secrets. “Are you here by yourself? Where’s your sister?” his dad asked, realizing suddenly that his young son was seemingly in a house by himself. “Reyna’s in her room. Talking to boys,” Poncho said the last part with a smile. He watched for his father’s reaction but there was none. His dad just nodded, looking around some more. What he was looking for, Poncho didn’t know, but he was disappointed that nothing came from the, “talking with boys,” comment. That usually sent his dad into a frenzy, where he’d storm into Reyna’s room and take away her phone which caused an even bigger scene and from there it spiraled into beautiful chaos. “Ok, well,” his dad said, “...I’m going to go to my room...take a nap...you good?” Poncho nodded. “Who are you talking to?” Poncho asked. “Huh?” his dad said, finally looking at Poncho. Poncho could see that his dad was upset, maybe even scared. And as much as Poncho liked to make a scene, he didn’t like seeing his dad afraid. It made him afraid. “Nothing,” Poncho said, deciding to just forget the phone. Most adults, he noticed, didn’t talk about what they wanted to talk about. They skirted around things or didn’t mention it at all. They ignored until they couldn’t. His dad nodded, visibly relieved. He gave Poncho an awkward pat on the head and walked to his room. As the door closed, Poncho could hear his dad’s muffled voice. Poncho knew he should stay put. He should just keep banging his trucks together. But what he should do and what he wanted to do were two different things. And being a child, a young child, despite the fact that he was a very smart child, what he wanted to do usually won. He crept toward his father’s door, the sound of his dad’s voice getting clearer as Poncho got closer. He sat, crouched near the door, ready to flee in case he heard his father start to leave the room. “Of course I love you, baby,” his dad whispered. Baby? Poncho thought. Why was his dad speaking to a baby? “You know there’s no one else. Why would you say that?” his dad asked, his voice growing more desperate. Poncho was confused. There was a baby. And his dad was telling the baby that there was no one else. But his dad was lying. There were others. There was Poncho and Reyna. Why was he lying to the baby? “I do want you,” his dad continued, “More than anything. More than anyone. You know why this is hard for me. I thought you understood.” Poncho sat stunned. His dad wanted this baby. More than anything. More than anyone. More than him? And was that why it was hard? Poncho closed his eyes, fighting back tears. It was hard for his dad because of Poncho and Reyna. Clearly Poncho and Reyna were obstacles to his dad’s happiness. Poncho leaned his head against the wall and sighed. He knew that his dad was tired. Constantly tired. Working all day and taking care of Poncho and Reyna in the evening. Reyna was 15 so she kind of took care of herself but she still needed to be fed and driven places. But then recently, his dad seemed good. Awake and happy and energetic. And Poncho thought that maybe work was better. Or maybe his dad was eating better. He had heard that could change things in a person. But he was wrong about everything. His dad was happy because of this new baby. Which still somewhat confused Poncho who had heard that babies were a “handful.” If that were true, why did his dad want this baby so much? Was it that great of a baby? Was it better behaved? Maybe the baby didn’t break things. That was probably it. “I’ll tell them,” his dad said, “I promise. I’ll tell them tonight...you want to come tomorrow? Well, I don’t know...” Poncho could feel his heart pounding. What was his dad going to tell them? Was there going to be a new baby? Or was his dad going to abandon them? What then? Poncho couldn’t imagine Reyna taking care of him. And he didn’t want her to. He wanted his dad. Maybe if he promised to be better. Maybe if he swore he would never break anything ever again. It would be hard, but he would do it. Poncho stood and took a deep breath. He was going to go in. He was going to tell his father that he knew and that he could change. His dad didn’t have to leave. Didn’t have to get a new baby. Poncho jumped as Reyna came out of her room. “What are you doing?” she asked, seeming to know that he was up to no good. Poncho said nothing, hoping his expression portrayed innocence. She glared and he knew he failed. “Poncho, what...” she stopped talking when she got close to the door and could hear her father’s voice. “Baby, I promise,” his dad said, “I already said I’ll tell them tonight. I’m not sure what else I can say to make you trust me.” Poncho looked at his sister, watching her eyes get wide. He grabbed her hand and she looked down at him. “I know,” he said. “You know?” she asked, “You know what?” “About the baby,” Poncho said slowly so his sister could understand. “The what?” Reyna asked. Right then, their father came out, causing all three to scream in surprise. “I wasn’t listening!” Poncho shouted, which he immediately regretted. He knew that anyone who said they weren’t listening was probably listening and he knew that his dad knew that too. But it looked like his dad didn’t hear him because his dad and Reyna were staring at each other. Well, his dad was staring, and Reyna was glaring. “Did you hear?” his dad asked Reyna. “I heard enough, I think,” Reyna responded, arms crossed, looking like she was shooting daggers at their father’s face. “Why do you want a new baby?” Poncho asked. He figured the worst was already out there so why not ask? His dad looked at him confused, “What?” “The baby,” Poncho said, feeling frustrated. Why must adults avoid the truth? “The baby,” Poncho repeated, “I heard you talking to the baby.” “Yea, dad,” Reyna said through laughter which confused Poncho even more because he could tell his sister was upset. So why was she laughing? “Tell us about your new baby,” she continued. Their dad looked at both of them. Poncho could tell his dad was afraid and though he didn’t like it and he wanted to say or do something to break the impossibly heavy tension, he stood there and waited. “It’s...she’s...” his dad stuttered which scared Poncho even more. His dad was usually so clear, so confident. And twice in one day he’d witnessed his dad afraid, unsure, and Poncho didn’t like the way this felt. He could feel his sister growing more agitated and he reached for her arm. She jumped a little and looked down at him. She must have seen something in his face because her gaze softened, and she relaxed her shoulders just a bit. She turned back to their dad, eyes still narrowed but less angry. “Spit it out dad,” Reyna said. “I’m...seeing someone,” their dad said softly, “And I want you to meet her.” “You want us to meet the baby?” Poncho asked. “No, no, buddy. There is no baby,” his dad said, “Baby, is...it’s something adults say sometimes when they like each other.” Poncho stared. There was no baby. Like with everything, this was just another example of adults being confusing. Of not saying what they mean. So, his dad was speaking to...a woman? “Is she going to be our new mom?” Poncho asked and looked up when his sister scoffed. Reyna huffed and kept looking at their father, and Poncho couldn’t quite understand the look in her eyes. There was a lot going on there. He could see that she was angry and sad and scared and he didn’t really understand why. Wasn’t it a good thing if they were going to get a mom? “She doesn’t want that,” their dad said, “And she knows that. But...At least meet her. Give her a chance?” “Why didn’t you say something sooner?” Reyna asked and Poncho noticed the change in her voice. She was looking at the floor and Poncho could see the tears forming in her eyes. “I didn’t...I was scared of how you would react,” their dad said, “I know how close you were to your mom and I...I miss her everyday, but Jocelyn. That’s her name. Jocelyn is a wonderful person. And I think you’ll see that when you meet. No one will ever replace your mother, Reyna.” Poncho looked at his sister. It was different for him. He had never met their mother. Not really. He was too little when she died. And he could only remember certain things. The way her hair fell across her right shoulder. The smell of peppermint whenever she walked into a room. But he also wasn’t sure if he actually remembered these things or if he remembered because of the stories his dad and sister would tell him. But Reyna knew their mother and loved her fiercely. And now, for the longest time it had just been the three of them and someone new would change everything. And his sister didn’t respond well to change. He had heard her say so many times. “I...I guess I can meet her,” Reyna mumbled. It wasn’t the greatest response, but it was something. It was the best response their father was going to get. Their father nodded and smiled. Smiled in a way that Poncho hadn’t seen in a long time. “Great! Great. I’ll tell her,” their dad said, “You guys will see. She’s great.” “Great,” Reyna mumbled. “Great,” Poncho chimed in, wanting to be included. The three of them stood awkwardly for a few moments. Their dad smiling. Reyna looking sullen but accepting. Poncho looking between the two of them to see who would move first. “Well...I’m gonna go in my room,” Reyna said. “Ok, yea,” their dad said nodding vigorously and then, “...I love you, mija.” Reyna stopped in front of her door and looked at their dad, “I love you too.” She rolled her eyes at her dad’s smile and walked into her room, closing the door firmly behind her. Poncho and his dad looked at each other. “Did you really think I was talking to a baby?” his dad asked. Poncho nodded. His dad laughed. Poncho walked over to where his two toy trucks lay and went back to slamming them together. “You’re going to break those, if you keep doing that,” his dad called. Poncho nodded. He knew that. He knew that the trucks would probably break, but he also knew he could put them back together. It was his gift.