text: Hello, my name is GUY. I am the manliest man men have ever seen. I am oozing with masculinity. I have to constantly remind people how manly I am because I want to boost my masculine points. I measure my masculine points based on how many pounds I can lift. How many women I can date and how many beers I can gulp down in one sitting. I also measure my masculine points by how hairy I am, the depths of my voice, how much I can manspread, how loud I can speak, and by the size of my.... I am so manly that I am too man enough for everything. I’m too manly for the earth. My masculinity is so pungent that all the other men around me make high pitched girly screams and run away. I am too manly for the color blue, black, red, orange, yellow, and every color on the RGB scale. I’m too manly for gradients. I am too manly for horror films, action films, cartoons, experimental french cinema, and every film genre that exists. When I drive a car, it has to be manly but I don’t own a car right now because every car in the market can’t handle the amount of man I have. The car will end up at the repair shop at least once a day. I am too manly to live in a house. Every house in the market doesn’t live up to my manly expectations. Right now, I live with my mother. I’m so manly that I drink hot water straight from the pot. I’m so manly that I eat coffee raw. No water. No milk. No anything. Just pure man. I’m so manly I eat only plywood and nails. I’m so manly, I benchpress my mother’s car every morning. I’m so manly, that I piss acid every day. I’m so manly, that my deep voice can cause earthquakes so I have to purposely talk in a high pitch voice. Humanity can’t handle my real voice. I’m so manly, that my beard hair feels like a wire brush. I’m so manly, that I can impregnate every living being: plants, animals, insects, furniture, and even men. I can technically make take over the entire planet and create my own animal species because of this. The only thing that matches the amount of man I have is my pet teacup chihuahua named Lily. If you ask me, I think chihuahuas are perfect dogs for manly men. My masculinity can be sensed from ten miles away instead of one mile when I’m walking Lily. Some men ask me how can they get as manly as me. I laugh at them. You don’t. You don’t become manly, you are born with it. When I was an infant, I could already lift a suitcase. If you have to ask, then you will never be as manly as me. As a matter of fact, I am the only man on earth that has this amount of masculine manliness. Hell, look at my name. My name is GUY, not Guy. The all caps emphasize my manliness and I prefer if others write my name the same way. Thank you.