text: Nervous with anticipation, I was grateful to be riding shotgun instead of maneuvering the car through holiday traffic. It seems like forever since I’d seen JoAnn and her son Keith. They represent a rare, solid connection to my childhood. Keith left for the army straight out of high school, so no telling how those years changed him. Yes, nervousness and excitement! With my best friend Debbie at the wheel, I was free to savor familiar landmarks all decked out in Christmas decorations passing by my window. I felt butterflies agitating more so as we approach JoAnn’s house. I’m starting to feel light headed. I know I’ve changed into a completely different person since I last saw Keith, physically and emotionally I’ve matured. I’m a woman now and he’s a man. Now we are no longer kids. Once we would dream or make believe about what the futurre would bring. And what’s become of those dreams? JoAnn wanted to surprise Keith, so she didn’t tell him I was coming. Would he appreciate the surprise? Here we go...pulling into the driveway now. ‘Kiddo!” JoAnn exclaims as she opens the door. Kiddo was always my name with JoAnn. She was my mom’s best friend, a fixture in my life since I was 10 years old. That it’s been over 10 years and JoAnn still calls me Kiddo is endearing. As I step through the door, she gives me a one-arm hug and a hard pat on the back. Debbie is given a more measured welcome, but a friendly one nonetheless. Debbie understood I was always one of her favorites, not counting her own kids of course. “You guys want a beer?” JoAnn said to us. “That would be great,” I said, thinking a little alcohol in me would take the edge off my nervous tension. She fished a bottle out of the ice chest and handed it to me. There’s nothing like that first taste of really cold, wet bottle beer. I power gulped almost half the contents in one big go. I wasn’t sure if Keith was there yet, but I didn’t want to seem overly excited about seeing him again. I drank more of my beer, scanning the room for his face among the other guests. I felt a tinge of disappointment, realizing he wasn’t here. JoAnn came closer and grabbed me by the elbow, nudging me along towards the back porch. “Keith’s outside,” she said as she walked with me through her old familiar house. My nostrils flared involuntarily. The edge of my vision was all a blur. And there he was, seated in a chair, looking into the backyard while talking to some people I didn’t recognize. I briefly wondered how he would react when he saw me. Was he going to be happy to see me? Would he even care as much as I did? I knew that I always had stronger feelings for him than he had for me. He was my first real crush...my first true love, even. JoAnn nudged me forward and whispered, “Go ahead, walk around where he can see you.” Shuffling around so he could see me, I silently waited for him to notice me. In a flash his eyes lit up and he smiled his trademark smile. He still had the same twinkle in his eye that just melted my heart. He shot up from his chair and said, “What a sight for sore eyes! Oh my god, how are you? Where did you come from?” All I could think while he wrapped me up in his arms was how deep his voice had become. Also, that he somehow smelled the same as he always used to. And I felt like my 14 year old self again. Its wondrous how long forgotten feelings can lay dormant all these years just to pop up out of nowhere when you are back in someone’s arms. As we broke our embrace he held my hand and curtsied a step backward to get a better look at me. “God, it’s so good to see you, You look great.” Keith introduced me as an old friend to the people he’d been in conversation with, then excused us saying we had some catching up to do. “Here we go,” I thought, more unsure than ever what to expect . It was always bothered me a bit that our relationship never went beyond “friends” except for the occasional kiss and fooling around. We always flirted and teased each other, and when one of us was in a relationship, the other was envious. Obviously, there were complex feelings on both sides. We both grabbed another cold beer and carried them over to the bench swing further out in the backyard. As we sat down, he let out a big sigh. “That was quite a sigh,” I said. “Yeah, it was,” he said. I soon realized the reason behind the sigh. He sat back and pulled me close to him so he could put his arm around me. This behavior was uncharacteristic of him. When we were teenagers it was always me making the first move. We just sat there in silence for a few minutes, his arm around me and his hand affectionately rubbing my shoulder. I was dizzy and not sure why. He started to say something and then stopped. We explored each other in a gaze that he held for a moment before flashing a wan smile that told me “I have something to tell you but I don’t know how.” “Alright...so I’ve always regretted not pursuing you, pursuing us. You don’t know how many times I’ve kicked myself over it. Or how many times I’ve thought about having sex with you. Even now, I’m not blind to the fact that there’s an undeniable connection between us. I feel a way with you that I’ve never really felt with anyone else.” As I sat there listening to him I was trying to comprehend everything. What does this mean? Where is he going with this? I had a million thoughts going through my head. After a few minutes of silence, I said, “Why are you telling me this now? He sighed. “Well it’s been in the back of my mind for a long time. You were the one that got away and I want you to know that. You are special, always have been and always will be. There’s just something about you. AND, I wanted to be the one to tell you that while I was away I got married.”