text: Ryan wakes up to the sound of skittering across the room. He fumbles round for his glasses and finds them on the wedge between two couch pillows. Sitting up he realizes he’d only been asleep an hour. Work had been insane this past week and this is not what he needed right now. Someone was going to pay. Is it rat? He never had a rat problem in this apartment. Looking across the room he finds a cat--a cat? Its strangely focussed stare irritates him. Squinting at it he notices some kind of metal contraptions on its back legs and something on his forelegs as well. The cat also has a bizarre headpiece. “Yes, Ryan. This is what happens when you don’t sleep for over thirty hours,” he tells himself. “Human.” Ryan jumps a little at the sound of the distinctly feminine voice. He looks around to find whoever it was but his apartment is empty as usual other than his feline guest. “Human,” the voice insists. That cat... it just spoke right now. “Were you speaking? What the fuck? How did you get here? Get out! Oh my God--” “Calm down, you silly human. I am hearing--” “I am not going to calm down--” “--on my master’s behalf to catch a rat--” “--an animal talk!” Ryan and the cat stare at each other unblinkingly. “What do you mean a rat--” “What is it cats not talking--” They stare at each other some more. “Females go first,” he grumbles. “Humans go first,” the cat says just as insistently. They stare at each other some more. “Cats are good communicators, but they can’t talk,” Ryan says with conviction. “Stupid human, I can talk because of this,” the cat says, pointing to the contraption around its neck and the head piece. “This converts my language to yours--” “There is no such technology!” “--and stop interrupting me. I am from the year 2165,” Ryan scoffs, “and all the animals have been able to speak for over 30 years.” Ryan sits there blinking. This is not his night. He has a talking cat that says it time travelled--Ryan needed alcohol. He can’t survive this without alcohol. Getting up he walks to the fridge and pulls out a beer. A sudden whoosh sound makes him twirl on the spot and-- “My couch...” His couch is gone... and so is that coat he loved. That cost him a good $250. And the couch... $1500 all gone. He’d spent months living frugally for this. His eyes turn to the culprit that now had a squirming rat in a box. “What did you do to my couch, you menace?” Ryan growls, advancing on the creature. “Zero-g, activate.” A sudden pulse hits him and his mind spins out of control as his body becomes weightless. There’s a cord wrapped around his ankle and the cat pulls him like a child pulls on a balloon. He’s pulled to his room and another pulse later, all his weight hits him at once and he groans from his position on the bed. His stomach turns, he tries to vomit but nothing comes out. He tries to glare at the cat, but the cat very quickly plays something. It’s so soothing... ‐‐‐ The cat presses a button to portal out of this time. This mission had been one disaster after another. She wants to do nothing but blame it on her master. Stupid Master, she thinks as she steps through the portal. Between one blink and the next, the cat is back to her time. It’s time for decontamination. First up is the anti-fungal field, then comes the anti-bacterial and then the miscellaneous. The rat despite its fugitive status is treated to the same things. An hour and some verbal statements later, after the rat is taken away to rat prison, the cat is finally allowed to go to her master with the device. “Missy,” her master cries. Again, with the silly name, when will her human stop giving her stupid names. Her name was Missile, not missy! She turns her nose up and walks away to place the device on the table. She’s about to get on her bed and sleep when her master attacks her. She growls and sinks her claws into her stupid human’s arms but he doesn’t listen. He’s still crying tears of joy, stroking her head and the cat wants none of it. “Missy, I missed you so much. Where did that come from?Did you have to go to stupid time--” “Whose fault is that?” she interrupts. “Mine.” He grins happily. She grumbles, settling down for the pets. She does like them. “There was damage,” she begins. “The corps will pay for it,” her master says. She settles down to sleep. This was written for the wonderful u/Say_Im_Ugly's Discord Secret Santa story exchange.