text: Angus Hooper boarded the cruise ship Heaven’s Orchid, taking a light transport from the nearest space station. His travel was work-related; attending a conference meeting on the ship. Angus was a plumbing and sanitary engineer for the colony back home. The profession was honest work and well paid, but it was not a discipline that garnered high status. He knew the conference on maintenance and upgrade would be dominated by the more glamourous divisions, the ‘service-providers’ and management-types, that like talk a lot about all things impractical and flippant. Once on board the conference ship, he felt his mind and body shift into a more relaxed state. These conferences usually felt like something halfway between a holiday and the usual work. He took the omnidirectional lift from the check-in to his floor on the ship. The company would only pay for a cheap cabin but, privately, he preferred the modest practically of the middle decks. It was comfortable without the gaudy ostentatiousness of the more expensive suites. As he walked down the corridor leading to his cabin, he noticed one of the wall panels had been removed, and its display, changed from the usual artificial window projections on the other walls to read “Work in Progress” in black-on-orange lettering. As he passed he looked in, and had to do a double take. It was a creature, moving slowly and holding onto the mess of conduits that made up the ship. The creature was a roughly cat-sized crustacean. In appearance, it looked somewhere between a coconut crab and a spiny lobster. It’s tough carapace was covered in a film of dirt and grease, which seemed to blend or camouflage the creature against the ship’s internals. Its underside was a mess of limbs of various sizes and functions. Two black, mottled eyes on stalks stared back at him dimly. Seeing but not processing what it was seeing, more like a camera’s lens than an eye of an animal. What was it doing - eating ? Of course not, it must be something to do with repair. A pest wouldn’t make itself as visible to passers-by. After a pause the creature resumed work, slowly weaving between the wires and pipes. Angus watched, fascinated. Feelers and fine claws tested the cables, bringing some nearer the creature’s head for inspection. Larger implements moved obstructing cables out the way. “Angus!” the voice startled him, as he turned around to see a smiling man in blue overalls. “Are you here for the conference?”. It was an old work colleague who had transferred a while ago, Angus recalled him boasting about a new job on a cruise ship before he left. “Bob, what the hell is that!?” Angus said, gesturing to the creature. “Straight to shop-talk Angus as always” bob laughed. “It’s the latest art-life novelty I picked up on a stopover at one of the new settlement colonies. Bio-engineered artificial maintenance drones is they’re official name, but us on the Orchid crew just call them plumber-crabs”. Bob reached in and picked it up. He put one of its large, curved limbs around his own and the other crab’s legs followed independently. It hung from his arm upside down, sloth-like. “pretty cool” Angus said. “yeah, but it certainly isn’t pretty!” Bob replied. The two continued down the corridor till they were outside Angus’s cabin, and the conversation shifted to-and fro, between catching up on their private lives and talking about the crab. Angus had initially thought the crab had been put there by Bob to do a specific task. But Bob explained the crabs were almost completely autonomous. They moved around the ship at will, and were capable of completing virtually any small-scale maintenance task inside the ship, unnoticed or with minimum disturbance. Since the crabs were installed, the Orchid had gone from a track record of near-constant breakdowns to being the most reliable ship the Heaven fleet. Bob claimed, they’d become a necessity. “how intelligent are they?” Angus asked. Bob answered “These guys? Pretty dumb. All the cognitive processing is done by the queen. She has a rudimentary artificial intelligence installed in her neural linkage. She’s also pretty dumb, but she can understand basic instructions communicated by text.”. “here” Bob handed him the crab. It hung weightily from his arm. Bob opened up his communicator and typed “message BAMS queen: This drone to accompany Angus for duration of conference.” Bob laughed “He’ll keep you company for the stay”. Angus rolled his eyes, as he looked down at the crab, which in response, tightened its grip round his forearm and shifted to a more comfortable position. Angus entered his cabin. He coaxed the crab off his arm and onto a desk, where it sat a gingerly on a pile of its gangly limbs. The crab stared at him vacantly as he unpacked his compression suitcase, the clothes expanding as the shape-memory alloy completed the uncoiling programme. “Maybe it’s hungry” Angus thought, “...but what do crabs eat?”, he looked around the cabin, stuck his head in the minibar. With some hesitation he offered a peanut to the crab. The interaction was not like those he’d had with natural animals on the colony. The crab was neither shy not boisterous, and it seemed indifferent about the food. He’d found that if the peanut was placed in one of the crab’s smaller claws near its mandibles, the crab would accept the peanut, gnawing it calmly as it continued to follow his movements with its eyestalks. Angus made himself a cup of coffee to relax for a moment. He still had half an hour to wait before the auditorium opened upstairs. The crab looked at him with the same detached coldness as it passively played with one of it’s larger claws. After unpacking Angus drifted upstairs and watched one of the plenary sessions. But he kept drifting off, all he could think about was the crab. The possibilities back at the colony! Just one of these things could half his workload. He could finally get away from the daily emergency repairs and rote-tasks, and focus on the big project long overdue. Like the new heat exchangers on the digesters. And that’s not all, he could set up his own maintenance contract company. Hell, with a few modifications maybe he could even send squads of them out to renovate abandoned shipwrecks out in deep space and sell them on as working vessels. The possibilities were endless. His daydreaming continued on and off through the day’s sessions. At lunch he saw Bob sitting alone at a table across the mess deck - He made straight for him. They spent the whole dinner talking about the crabs. “It’s just a basic system, cobbled together” Bob said, “I haven’t even bothered with voice interaction for the communication, it’s still just command line. The AI is also Just a basic royalty-free sourcecode. The hard work was all done in the lab by the breeder I bought her off really.” Angus agreed “I find that with all of these bio-engineered tools. The ground work really matters. You know I tried a mammalian-cellline based self-healing pipe once about ten years ago. It caught a flesheating infection not long after I’d commissioned it. I had to pull it all out, and replace it with new, old stuff! We finished with three skips filled with these slimy, rotting veins and arteries. The smell was vile!”. Bob quipped “technology eh?”. Angus continued “but I have to say Bob, these plumber crabs are something else. Its certainly cool to see bioengineering done right for once” Bob suggested “After lunch, do you want to go downstairs, meet *Her Majesty* !?”. Angus lept at the opportunity: “yeah for sure! it’s all electrical stuff in the next session - my boss sent me here to learn about plumbing right?” In the core of the ship the artificial gravity was uneven, making them both nauseous. They stumbled along a damp, dirty corridor filled with scrap and raw materials. Behind an old disused water tank was a door. It was cramped, and they had to stoop to get inside. The room was dim, lit by the blue shadows of old screens. In the centre sat the queen. It was roughly pig-sized, propped up in an old chair in the centre of the room. It looked like a woodlouse, with hundreds of arms folded over each other, protecting eggs in various stages of gestation that clung to its body. A mess of cables and wires ran from it’s flank into the electronics at the back of the room. The surrounding room was thick with juveniles, shuffling around amongst the bric-a-brac. Bob said “So, this is my setup. It’s pretty hacky, but I got it up and running”. Stepping over the wires, bob turned one of the screens to face them better. It showed details of technical drawings, maintenance log summaries “the screens are mostly for my benefit. The crab receives them as neural uploads directly”. Angus looked back at the queen, which almost seemed to show a glint of recognition. Angus was quietly inquisitive. The two spent a lot of time down their discussing technical details, and touring around the rest of the ship’s core, before they got too queasy and had to go back upstairs. The next day, Angus was still thinking about the crabs. Partly due to the one bob gave him, which was still sitting his cabin’s desk, watching him calmly. On his way to breakfast, he noticed the panel had been repaired. After another day of inconsequential presentations, Angus returned to his cabin to work on a longrunning issue with the plant on the colony. He thought the change of scenery would give him a fresh perspective. He was not in luck: he stared at the same old diagrams, but everything seemed correct. He looked at the crab sitting on the desk, “Don’t suppose you have ideas?”. He quickly received a text message: BAMS ORCHID1: good afternoon Mr Hooper. Can I assist you ? Startled, Angus explained the problem he was working on. The queen replied. BAMS\_ORCHID1: drone 137 will inspect the issue... The crab waddled across the desk, and stared at the digital-twin plans of the colony on Angus’s computer screen. After a long pause, a detailed discussion ensued between Angus and the queen. They arrived at a fault diagnosis: a part that had been installed backwards by contractors last year. With the issue resolved, Angus was in an upbeat and chatty mood. “I’m surprised you’re not more involved with the conference. You clearly know a lot about engineering, probably more than a lot of the other AI’s in attendance”. “Thankyou Mr Hooper” the queen replied. Angus asked “Is there anything I can get you in return? Anything you would enjoy?... what do you like to do in your free time? ”. The queen replied “I am a bio-engineered artificial maintenance system. I think only of maintenance. It has been hardwired into my basic fulfilment drives. Much like your dopamine system rewards you for human behaviour, my biological neurotransmitters have been repurposed to seek reward through fulfilling my primary functions.” Angus replied “but, isn’t there any part of you left from the natural genetic stock you were synthesised from? Surely, those biological drives can’t have been removed completely. Otherwise, how would you function day-to-day?”. There was a pause. As Angus got up to make himself something to drink, midway he received a reply: BAMS\_ORCHID1: my drones miss the sea. As he sipped his tea, Angus contemplated this reply. He looked at drone 137 sitting on the table. It’s once dozy demeanour now struck him as oddly wistful. This creature, simultaneously completely at home, fulfilling the purpose it was made for, while also completely separated from where it originally belonged. He finished his drink and washed his cup out in the sink. On a whim, he put the plug in, and let it fill with water. He took a salt sachet from the room service meal he had the night before, and emptied it into the sink. He picked up the crab, and put it next to the sink. The crab enthusiastically charged into the sink. Splashing around for a few moments, before it settled down, half-submerged and content. The water was now dark with oil and grime from the Crab’s carapace. And the crab itself had changed colour completely, it’s natural blue and yellow colours coming through the oil and grime it was caked-in. He hadn’t even noticed before, it’s largest claw, was biomineralized, and now cleaned, it glinted with a mother-of-pearl like sheen. Angus sat and watched the creature, as he relaxed before bed. The next morning was the last day of the conference. Already many people were saying their goodbyes, packing up, and leaving to catch early-transfer shuttles. Through the now half-empty presentation sessions, Angus huddled over his computer, jotting down his idea. At the coffee break, he went to an additive manufacture demo stands at one of the expo booths, and had his idea 3D-printed. The host gave him the spiel “Look at the quality of that edge...”, Angus quickly thanked him, scanned his business card, and left. After lunch, he stole some salt sellers from the mess deck. Back at his room, he scooped up his crab, and took everything down to the core to see the queen. He dropped the drone off, placing it on the queen’s lap. “I have an idea about how I could repay you, if you’d like?” he texted to the queen. He dragged the water tank from outside into the queen’s modest room, and fitted the simple 3D-printed filter. He used a fire hose from further down the corridor, and filled the tank, emptying the salt into the water. As the tank began to fill, the crabs from around the room quickly piled into the water, clamouring over each other for positions, some dropping from the ceiling directly into the water. Before he had filled it completely, all of the crabs were in or around the edge of the water. He turned off the hose, and stood back for a moment. BAMS\_ORCHID1: “Thank you so much Mr Hooper. My drones are very happy. How can I illustrate my appreciation?...” “I have been in communication with my Master. Previously you enquired about obtaining one of my units for your own work.” She curled to look down at drone 137. She secreted a gelatinous material from her abdomen, and fed it to the drone. “This is royal jelly” she explained. “in a year’s time, this drone will moult to become a queen, should you wish to take it with you to your colony as a gift. I have programmed the drone to pair with electronics for communication”. Angus took the drone back. He didn’t know what to say. He replied “I have to go now, I still need to pack before we dock. Nice to meet you!” The ship pulled into port, and Angus disembarked with the rest of the conference attendees. Along with his memory-alloy suitcase, he was now also carrying a box, with holes in the lid, in the other arm. He split from the main group to walk up to the Custom and Excise desk. “Anything to declare?” the guards at the desk asked. Two inquisitive eyes peered out from the box holes.