text: # The Salesman &#x200B; *He came again today* “Hello sir, welcome to Mercedes Benz” *Every week... and always on my shift.* **“Thank you kindly young man”** *Today he had decided on a straw cowboy hat and an obnoxiously big and fake Bert Reynolds mustache.* *...* *He’s really started to phone it in* "What can I help you with today sir?” *A passerby might look, and think this man was doing a bit, like there is no way this... costume is meant to come across as genuine.* **“Well I’m here to buy a car of course”** *But I know better.* ** *As we pass, I take my shot.* “Sir, while I grab some paperwork please help yourself to some complimentary bagels and coffee” *Please... just once...* **“Thank you, but no thank you. I’ve already ate”** *Of course you have.* “I see... well they are there if you change your mind” *You mother...* “Thank you, but I won’t” *Fucker.* ** “So this is our 2022 A Class, it runs about $36,000 with added on GPS at satellite tracking” *Oh I see, seems a little small, do you have anything bigger?* “I see, but it seems a bit too compact, do you have any larger vehicles?” *He’s switching it up.* “Right this way sir” \-- *I could have been a librarian* “This is our 2023 EQB-Class” *If I just would have actually taken the classes and passed the test* **“Now this is a vehicle.”** *2 hours a day of studying, for maybe 3 months.* “Would you like to take a test drive? All I would need is your license for record keeping” *Oh, that won’t be necessary* **“Oh, that won’t be necessary...”** *Of course not.* **“But might I look around the inside though?”** *What is to gain from this?* “Of course sir” *Three months was all it would have took.* ** *An hour and a half...* ”Are there any other models you would like to look at sir?” *Every time...* **“No I think that’s about it, thank you young man”** *Did he pick that amount of time intentionally?* “Very good sir” *Like he calculated that that was just enough time to show “genuine” interest* “And are you interested in purchasing any of the vehicles you saw today?” *Watching the dealership with binoculars and timing each purchase to find the average a customer took.* **“The more I thought about it, I think the 2022 A Class might actually be perfect”** *Is this madness?* .... *Is this purgatory?* **“And I would like to purchase it please”** *Or something else?* “...Of course sir, let me grab the paperwork” *Well, whatever it is...* **“Thank you young man”** *Here.* **“...But while you do”** *It.* **“...Are those bagels still complimentary?”** *Comes.* “Of course sir” ** *I don’t grab paperwork. About three months ago I stopped. And I’m surprised it took me that long.* **“****Hey sport, how’s the sale going****?"** *And yet my manager still asks.* “Grabbing the paperwork now Larry.” *Every week.* **“Wonderful, which model?”** *Is he a part of this hell?* “2022 A Class” *Is everyone?* **“You’ll see a solid commission off that”** *My wife? My kids?* “As long as he doesn’t run out” *Larry laughs... as if this isn’t a joke he’s heard dozens of times.* **“Good one bud”** *Oh God... Am I becoming part of it?* ** *Sometimes it’s on a napkin, sometimes it’s written on an empty coffee cup.* **“Dearest Salesman,”** *Today it was on a piece of the secretary’s letter stock.* **“I regret to inform you that I will be unable to purchase your fine vehicle today”** *After the first month I began storing them.* **“I have been notified that my dearest grandmother has taken a nasty spill”** *Piles of notes, sitting in a cabinet drawer in my office.* **“and must be transported to the medical facilities post haste.”** *To show to who?* **“However you will be pleased to know,”** *Larry?* **“that I will consider this dealership”** *My wife?* "**and you specifically”** *The FBI?* **“For all future purchases”** *No...* **“P.S.”** *Not yet.* **“Thanks for the bagel.”** ... *See you again next week.