text: Once upon a time, there was a slice of bread that had its own empire. It was a very big empire, bigger than the holy roman empire. As a matter of fact, it was the holy roman empire of sliced bread. It was the Holy Bread Empire. The emperor of this empire was Bread The Great. Just like many emperors, Bread the Great was very corrupt. One example was the Flour Famine of 1223. During the flour famine, there was a shortage of...flour. The bread population couldn’t repopulate themselves using regular flour so they had to recreate flour using fine wood shavings. Since the texture of fine wood shavings had a texture similar to flour, the bread people thought, “Hey, we don’t need flour. As long as we have our yeast and wood we’re good.” For the next five years, well, the bread people chopped down all the trees that surrounded their empire. Even though bread made from wood shavings was crumbly and had a stench of pine, the bread population went through the roof. The problem was The Holy Bread Empire couldn’t sustain the population growth so Bread The Great, instead of addressing the flour famine and deforestation around his empire, when the empire reached its maximum capacity, he got rid of excess population. He fed the excess slices of bread to his human servants. Eventually, the excess bread became so much that not even his human servants couldn’t handle it. They were fed bread and only bread. They are so much bread that the human servants died thanks to severe malnutrition. The trees on the other hand acted as a barrier to keep the nearby enemies from finding the bread empire easily. Since all the trees that surrounded and even protected them were gone, the nearby enemies could spot them from many many miles away. That meant more wars. Especially wars against the potatoes. For many centuries, there have been many conflicts between the bread and the potatoes. The bread people were on potato land. The potato emperor kindly asked the bread emperor to buzz off but Bread the Great ignored him. The increased bread population and bread activity affected the potato people. They couldn’t grow and raise healthy and happy potatoes and build a thriving potato community without those dumb slices of bread taking up their space. The conflict escalated and turned into many wars that led nowhere for the potato people but they continue to start wars against the bread people anyways. After the bread people chopped down all the surrounding trees, the potato emperor saw that as the perfect moment to take down the bread empire. The potatoes gathered in thousands around the bread empire’s fortification. Bread the Great ordered his army to throw fiery cannons at the potatoes. Some of the flames from the cannon cooked the potatoes. Sometimes the bread army would take the injured potatoes to Bread the Great’s palace where he would consume them for dinner. Since his servants were dead, he had the potatoes all to himself to make fries. But there was a problem. There was still a shortage of flour and since every slice of bread in his empire (including his army) was made of wood shavings, they were a walking fire hazard. When the potato army started throwing fiery cannons back at the empire, all the bread people easily ignited into flames. The entire empire was doomed. The flames spread and spread. Bread the great was the only slice of bread made of genuine flour and not wood. When over 85% of his population (and his empire) turned into charcoal, Bread the Great had to save his empire. What did he do? He fled. He left to create another empire thousands of miles away. He left his old empire and the remaining bread people to sit in flames while the potatoes invaded and took over everything. Since the Flour Famine of 1223 and the Potato War of 1225, the bread population slowly returned to normal and with normal flour instead of wood shavings. As for Bread the Great, he continued to rule the empire until 1295. On September 23, 1295, Bread the Great made his usual biannual speech to all of the empire. He spoke about how amazing he was and how the empire was in great care. Completely ignoring everything about the flour famine, the trees, the burning bread people, and an army of invading angry potatoes. In the middle of his speech, a group of moldy wheat bread men sprayed hot water at him. Bread the Great was soggy and greatly injured. The blast was so hot and strong, it knocked him off his high podium. When he landed, all of the bread citizens ran to him and tore him to pieces. It was a gory sight, but since Bread the Great never married and had bread children, there was no one to take his place and rule the empire. Following his assassination, the empire was in much worse shape. There was more chaos, more famines, and more wars from more angry potatoes. The bread people weren’t prepared. They thought they could operate the empire as a collective but everyone was greedy, stubborn, and never listened to each other. No one could agree with anyone about anything. The Holy Bread Empire eventually collapsed. As for the bread people, they were either captured by the potato army and were used to make potato flour bread rolls for the potato people or they fled the empire and were never heard from again. And that is the tale of Bread the Great and the fall of the Holy Bread Empire.