text: She asks me what is the worst thing I’ve ever done, however I cannot tell her. To share the worst thing you’ve ever done is a crime in itself and exposes you to the consequences of reprehensible moral decision making. To even begin to think about sharing the worst thing is a step too far in itself. To share the worst thing you’ve ever done must be preceded by forgiving yourself, at least partially, for this crime you’ve committed. If you can forgive yourself for the worst thing you’ve ever done then either you haven’t done anything reprehensible yet or you are morally bankrupt. If you forgive yourself for the worst thing you’ve ever done then you can forgive yourself for anything. You are free to live a life however you wish, whoever you hurt along the way. This kind of living is incredibly attractive to many people but we cannot consider these people as functioning members of a good and just society. The reason you must never forgive yourself, instead hoping you never achieve a new worst thing, is because if you do then you will never have a chance of shame for your actions. So when she asks me the worst thing I’ve ever done, I must decline to answer. For if I share it with her then she will never respect me again. I have already lost my own self respect for the deeds I do, however, the rest of society has not come to the same conclusion yet. If I so choose I could spoil my entire life through excess sharing with people I’m close to, however, this would only succeed in alienating myself. I must hold myself accountable but my human self dreads real justice. I remain silent. If I was to share the worst thing I’ve ever done with her and she forgave me I would be in an even bigger bind. If she forgives my misdeeds then this shows me she has forgiven herself for her own. If she has indeed done this then she no longer has the same level of shame for her own actions and therefore can look past mine. A person’s worst deed should die with them. I may die very soon, I may die in a long time, or more likely sometime in between. When I pass, the worst thing I’ve ever done will finally be laid to rest and made okay. The deed was never okay, however, the perpetrator has had retribution finally brought against them. There is no greater punishment than death, therefore revenge has been served. She asks me if the person I harmed has at least forgiven me. I tell her that they have. She does not understand why I still blame myself then. She can never know. Someone has to hold me accountable. If the victim won’t do it then I will. In the future when I find myself in similar situations I freeze in terror. I cannot move and I am back in the moment. I see it often, flashes across my mind. It rules my life. As it should. I deserve it. She begs me to tell her the worst thing I’ve ever done. I kiss her instead. She has her answer and yet doesn’t know it.