text: My parents are away for the weekend, leaving me in charge of my 8-year-old sister, Candace. You might think this is a bummer, but if I make it through without incident, guess who will be the new owner of a slightly used and slightly running 2001 Pontiac Aztek? This guy. Tonight went off without a hitch, with one hour of tablet time, a delicacy of dino chicken nuggets, chef kiss, and three rounds of Candyland before putting her to bed. This gig is a piece of cake. It's 1 AM, and I'm scrolling through Tik Tok videos in the dark. My bedroom door swings open. "What are you doing, Candace? Why are you out of bed?" "There's a monster in the house." My eyes adjust to the light in the hallway, and there is a tall creature with glowing eyes, horns, and claws right by her who looks on, nodding its head in agreement. "Jesus!" "What, do you see it?" "Is that it?" Candace casually glances behind her. "No, not him; there's another one." "There are two!" The monster behind her steps into the room, scratching the door frame as it enters. The monster speaks in a raspy, tough-guy tone, with a too-cool-for-the-room exterminator vibe. "Let me step in here, professional. They sent me down from Guardian Monster Transfer. We apparently had an incident; a class 29-C escaped and skedaddled. We tracked him to your domicile, where I made contact with this small human; let me see here..." the monster says as he pulls out a clipboard and traces his finger down the page, "Candace. Where then, she referred me to her supervisor..." scanning again, "Ricardo." "It's Ricky." "All right, just a quick note here," the monster says as he writes on his clipboard. "Are we in danger? "What exactly is a class 29-C?" "Oh boy, oh boy," the monster exclaimed as he took out a cigarette and began to smoke; his eyes widened as he glanced off into the distance, "I remember the summer of 97, there was 29-C and two 33-Bs, I nearly shit my pants." "What the hell? You can't smoke in here, you're not wearing any pants, and don't swear in front of my little sister." "I've heard that word before," Candace said. "Still, he shouldn't..." "All right, all right, let me just make a note here," the monster wrote on his clipboard. He extinguished his cigarette on Ricky's bureau. "What do you need from us?" "Just stay out of my way; I only told you because it's protocol, and I'm by the book. The last thing I need is a couple of amateurs mucking up my investigation." "What does it look like, you know, in case we see it?" The monster stares off into the distance again, "Oh, you'll know, and if you do see it, God help us all." "Alright, we'll just stay in here." "You bet your ass you will; I'll be setting a724q traps and 3c24a enticements; you don't wanna be around when those go off." "Oh, a 3c24a, huh?" Ricky says, joking. "How dare you; my uncle lost a pinky toe to a 3c24a," the monster says. Every day, I leave the house without knowing if I will return home to my wife, Britney, and daughter, Raquel." "Alright, I'm sorry." "I have to grab a few things in my truck; then I'll be in the house." "Thanks for your help," Candace said. "If you see anything, don't be a hero, just call, and I'll come," the monster says to Candace. The monster exits the room, scratching the door frame once more. "I'm scared, Ricky." "Don't worry; I think this monster has done this before, so everything's gonna be alright." I couldn't tell if this was real or a dream because it was so late. We both heard the monster downstairs smashing things. "Mom and Dad are gonna kill me; I guess I can kiss the car goodbye." "I'll help you clean it up." "Thanks, Candace, but I think I just heard a wall come down, so it might need a little more than a dusting." Out of the corner of her eye, Candace saw the tiniest, cutest little kitten. "Look, Ricky," Candace remarked as she scooped up and cuddled the kitty. "Be careful; we don't know where that kitty has been." With those huge eyes, the kitten glanced at both of us and offered the slightest "meow." We both melted and started to play with the kitten to pass the time, Candace had some yarn, and I had a laser pointer. It had been several hours since we had heard anything, and we could hear the monster climbing the stairs. The monster opens the door and sees us playing with the kitten. "What in the mother of God are you doing?! This is the 29-C! Back away, back away." We both moved away from the kitten as it stared up at the monster and purred. "You sick prick, thought you could get away with it, didn't ya?" The monster withdrew the tiniest pair of handcuffs I'd ever seen and fastened them on the kitten's paws. "This can't be right; this the monster you've been looking for? Is this why our house was destroyed?" "I caught it in the nick of time. This scumbag is wanted for tax evasion and doing perverted things with a horse. You're lucky I came in when I did." As we went downstairs, the house was in shambles. "Oh my God, we're dead." The monster removes a card from his pocket and hands it to me. "Um, please fill out a performance survey; we realize you have a lot of options for monster transport, and we appreciate you choosing us." I nodded as I watched the monster load the tiny kitten into the back of his truck, gently closing the door behind it. When my parents returned, they still gave me the Pontiac Aztec. Candace may have told them that the monster was giant, frightening, and wild. As Candace smiled when they gave me the keys, I realized I might not be so terrible at babysitting after all.