text: ***Lively Discussions***\*\*. As Christopher Hitchens used to say: “Debate is what separates us from the savage beast. Along with leaf blowers.” No argument from us there!\*\* **Today’s discussion is all about the best Star Wars character of all time. Edwin and Steven will be debating: “Jango Fett versus Jek Porkins.”** **STEVEN:** Let me begin by welcoming back my esteemed partner in discourse, Edwin. As always, I look forward to being enlightened and enriched after hearing your opinions on this matter. However, for me there is no question that Jek Porkins is the superior Star Wars character. As a Rebel X-Wing Star Fighter he not only fights on the morally just side, but heroically gives his life for the cause. While not widely celebrated, his role in helping steal the technical readouts to the Death Star cannot be overlooked. Characters like him are what make Star Wars worth watching. **EDWIN:** Steven, my dear friend and godfather of my first, second and fifth child, it is beyond a pleasure to be in your presence once again. I sit here now basking in the light of what will surely prove to a beautiful, illuminating discourse that I believe will not only help us uncover verité, but also allow us both growth as individuals. Of course, I must open by insisting you drop the notion of equating character worth with morality. The richest characters in cinematic history are not fairy tale character of pure virtue, but instead complex individuals colored with shades of grey. So while Jek is certainly on the side of good, he lacks the depth and arc of a morally-agnostic bounty hunter simply trying to raise a son. Jango is multi-faceted and we are all the richer for it. **STEVEN:** Edwin, wise and thoughtful scholar. Your knowledge on most any topic is so expansive, that if committed to parchment and stretched across the heavens it would blot out the sun. Plunging us into a darkness so intellectually vast, global agricultural production perhaps never recovers. I couldn’t agree more that morality is not the sole metric a character should be judged on. I must question though, if you paid attention to my argument carefully enough. As stated, but now repeated, Jek isn’t just a hero in thought but in action. His efforts to steal the Death Star plans, an objective he heroically gives his life for have seismic implications on the plot of not just Star wars but specifically the original trilogy. Which as we know is the most critically acclaimed series of Star Wars movies in history. Meanwhile Jango, regrettably toils in futility in the prequels. Which as we all know is a series of movies and characters most people would rather forget. **EDWIN:** Steven. Your words of praise not only touch my heart, they touch my mind, and they touch parts of myself that are not appropriate to discuss in such an educational setting. You are truly the Babe Ruth of Socratic discourse. Which is why it pains me that today’s arguments are so painfully simplistic. First you pile all your hopes onto the pack beast of morality. And now that it has proved to be a feeble animal, you have moved onto it’s brother: utility. Your arguments about Jek are not defending Jek, but simply his proximity to much more interesting characters. It’s ludicrous. To help you understand what I mean, let’s try to imagine a completely hypothetical marriage. Say Zteven and Zamantha are a married couple of many years. Then suppose that Zteven is so poor at lovemaking that the only way Zamantha is able to bring herself to completion is by closing her eyes and imagining previous encounters she has had with his much more handsome friend Zedwin. Now would you say Zteven is the better lover simply because he is more integral to the marriage? You clearly would not. **STEVEN:** Edwin, unparalleled genius of our time, thought leader of a generation and father figure to me both intellectually and possibly paternally. While I don’t agree with your arguments, I appreciate your use of a hypothetical example. It reminds me of another hypothetical that perfectly exhibits Jek’s superiority. Say if you will a certain man named Zedwin loves to enjoy a cigarette after coitus. Now imagine a brave, noble hero, much like Jek stumbling upon this reality while watching Zedwin in his own bedroom with his beloved, but sadly misguided wife. But instead of announcing his presence, he bides his time, learning when these rendezvous occur and remaining out of sight. Then, as Zedwin is distracted Zteven steals his cigarette pack and poisons it with traces of cyanide. Not killing immediately but gradually over time. Yes, Zteven wants to watch it happen slowly. Because this is what happens to the morally ambiguous Jango’s of the world. They do not get the hero’s death of the Jek’s. Sometimes they are beheaded in battle. Other times they die in bed by their mistresses side, for all the world to see how repugnant a character they truly were. Oh, how much better our stories will be when all the Jango’s are finally gone. **EDWIN:** Steven, it would take a million monkeys typing at a million typewriters for a million years for them to come up with a single sentence that matches the wit and ferocity of your intellect. And from what Zamantha tells me, it would take Zteven equally as long to learn how to please a woman. It is a bit odd, your claim of admiring a man like Jek, who we can both at least agree had the nobility of character to commit his treason against the empire in full view of the galaxy, while you sit and skulk in the shadows. Attempting to patch up a broken marriage with poisons and deceptions. Jango would never attempt such a cowardly deed, he chose instead to go nobly to his end in battle against his equal, Ben Kenobi. That is why to prove my point, I have decided to smoke this entire pack of coward-tampered cigarettes altogether at once. Goodbye old friend. And goodbye Zamantha, you were the only woman I ever truly loved. Thrice. In the same night. While her husband hid in the closet. Thinking we were completely unaware of his presence. **STEVEN:** Wise and noble Edwin. Your intelligence is unmatched. Your eloquence, boundless. Your silver tongue, platinum. As always, your rousing thoughts stir us from the intellectual malaise that is everyday life. So with all my heart and soul I say to you sir, may you rot in the deepest, darkest bowels of hell. Being flogged for all eternity in a fiery pit, beside Jango himself. **Ok folks, that concludes this round of** ***Lively Discussions.