text: Back in the olden days, people would fight with knives and swords instead of guns. It made war much more slow and gruesome. Like if you were in the war you'd be going "This is taking WAY too long to chop this guy's head off." And you'd get bored and kinda walk away from the war and maybe get a beer. But then you'd have to walk back through the war again to get back home. So, then you'd have to fight again and you'd be like "Man, this is taking forever to stab this guy to death." But then you're not paying attention and this other guy takes an ax and starts chopping your torso in half. And then you're like "This is taking way to long to die." That's how war was in the olden days. *Bunker Buster* In the last days of the war, we had run out of ammunition for the big guns and had to use P.O.W.s as artillery. Sure, a human body cannot destroy a carrier, but a charred human body with branches taped to it and fake fangs in its mouth can really scare the shit out of a person when it comes flying at you at 100 miles an hour. *Night Vision* In the night, no one can see you. Just your eyes. We moved through the town and took up positions waiting for the convoy. When it came, we took life like vampires in the night and there were no survivors. It was beautiful. Night vision wins wars, make no mistake. But it totally makes masturbation out of the question. *The Enemy Must Be Shot in the Face Several Times Before It Counts* Evan and I had started a game. We began betting packs of cigarettes on who would have the most kills for the day. I won most of the time. But one time, we bet a carton and there was a giant dispute over whether this enemy soldier was really dead or if he had just been shot in the face. Evan figured he killed him. But I could have sworn the guy walked away. So, we went back and we found the man. He was very much alive. So, I shot him some more in the face and won the bet. Tough shit, Evan. *Don't Forget to Die* Our company stopped by the river to rest. We had been hoofing it since France and we just entered Michigan. Plus the guy reading the map was on acid. But Detroit was beautiful. *POW* The thing they don't tell you about a P.O.W. camp is that there are no rules. They sit you in a bunker with a bunch of prisoners and a Monopoly board. No one had played Monopoly in years. We all forgot how to play. And there were no rules. Totally lost. Just a board and pieces. We had to make up the rules. I still don't know what GO meant. *GI Joe* When I came back from the war there was a party. But there was no job, no wife, and no money. But they made sure to give me a party. Like some sort of celebration as if I had been with them all the last four years and not out killing kids younger than me. It made me sick. Except for the pinata - that was totally cool and kinda made up for their lack of understanding. But the pain is still there. *Betrayal on the Beach* I looked at Salter. We both knew what he had done. And we both knew it was going to cost us the war. And we both knew that only one of us would live to tell or not to tell the story of his betrayal. We eyed each other and waited for the other to flinch. But neither one of us did. Finally, he blinked. I knew then that it was Ramirez who did it. But we continued having sex with the prostitute for the time being. There would be time to kill him and Ramirez later. *Hand Grenades to Hell* I once knew a guy who would pull the pins on hand grenades and juggle them and toss them at the enemy mid-juggle. He died SUPER quick. *The Battle of Unspecified Nation-State* I was on the hill overlooking the ambush. It was a nightmare. We were losing men by the dozen. I tried to run down, but Hank stopped me. "Patterson, that's not your war." "But we gotta do something!" "Patterson, a general once told me you have to know when to hold them and you have to know when to fold them. We are folding." "That's a Kenny Rogers song." "Yes, Kenny Rogers, the general." *The Bridge Over the River Dead Bodies* One thing they don't tell you in the movies is that war can be delicious. Every new town we would explore we'd eat local foods and they were delicious. I remember I came back home and missed the exotic foods. Sure, we had our International district, but it just wasn't the same. That's why I'm reenlisting. Does that sound crazy to you? Anyway, two adults and three children for Frozen. *Bloody Hill of Blood and Flags and Blood* I turned to Johnson "Call in a strike!" Johnson turned his head towards me and I realized he was... His face... Was gone. He had put on clown makeup. Boy, that came as a surprise. You need humor if you are going to fight a war. He beeped a horn and I laughed. Then someone blew his clown face and his real face off.