text: No Drama Mama “I can’t go on,” Nicole told her mother. “I am shaking from head to toe.” “That’s life force coursing through you, Nicole. You are like a racehorse at the gate before the whistle blows to begin the race. It means you are ready, dear daughter.” “Yeah. Ready for my knees to give way as soon as I hit the stage if I even make it that far.” “Nicole, how can you not go on? Everyone is relying on you to do your part just like you did in rehearsal yesterday.” “But I don’t know the people in the audience and they don’t know me.” “What’s to know?” Dahlia asked, in her most New York Jewish accent. “You have immense talent and you know your lines backward and forwards. This is what you have been looking forward to your entire life. Everyone gets stage fright. It’s normal. What is the worst that could happen?” “I think I can’t handle criticism, mom. Every time you ever criticized me, we got into a fight. Everyone sitting in that theater tonight is a critic.” “I only wanted the best for you, Nikki. It’s a mother’s job.” “What? To make her daughter feel that she must belong at all costs? That being different is wrong?” “Let’s not get into this now, hon. It hurts not to fit in. I got bullied as a child because I wasn’t popular. I didn’t want that to happen to you.” “I still don’t fit in. That is why I want to act. To learn to feel what other people feel without having to take things personally. To try on another suit of armor.” “Armor? You call cashmere armor?” “You know what I mean. I always feel like I have to protect myself if I want to survive.” “You will need to chat with Mother Nature about that. If she‘s unavailable, seek out Darwin. All of us have to protect ourselves to survive.” “So, maybe, I should tell the Director I am ill and he still has a half-hour to ready the understudy.” Is that really what you want, darling? To give up on your dream, to disappoint your cast members, the audience, but most of all yourself?” “I just want to be safe. I can’t fail. I keep messing up the dream sequence lines.” “What if you falter? Improvise. The cast will have your back. Don’t you think everyone is nervous about their first time on stage?” “I keep having to pee,” Nicole said as she pressed her hands to her belly. “That’s where your nerves go to party,” Mom laughed. “Like I said. Butterflies on caffeine and steroids.” Dahlia gets down on her knees with a breathy, “Oy. Honey, the feeling of nervousness in your belly is the same feeling as excitement. The only difference is what you call it. Give up needing approval. You get up there and you own that character. Just go for the satisfaction you are after. That is all any of us can do in life. No one can disappoint us more than we disappoint ourselves. Never give your power away.” “And how will you feel if I fail?” “No one fails by trying. We fail by not doing. Who is it you are trying to impress? Me? We are not here to impress anyone but ourselves. Have I not taught you to live life from the inside out, not from the outside in?” Nicole took Dahlia’s hands in hers. “Fifteen minutes.” Dahlia asks, “What are you going to do?” Nicole answered, “Walk out of here and sign up for dental school.” Dahlia replied, “What’s better? Putting a smile on someone’s face or putting one in someone’s mouth? No one has ever applauded a dentist for filling in a cavity. Would you rather be in the object in the spotlight or a gal in a white jacket adjusting the dental light for a better view of gingivitis? Nicole laughed, “OK, I get it. You can stop now.” “And you? What are you going to do?” “Well, you made your way too visual point about dentistry vs acting.” “Sweetie, let’s do a quick guided meditation and get you centered. Relax in the chair and close your eyes.” “I have so much makeup on. My eyelids may never open again.” “That may be, and right now your third eye needs mascara! What do you know in your heart, honey?” A rap on the door and the shout, “Ten minutes, Nicole” gave her a shudder. “Okay, let’s do this,” Nicole sighed and crossed her arms over her chest. “What are you really afraid of?” Dahlia asked “Everyone’s eyes will be on me and I am wondering if they can see me sweating or my heart palpitating and my legs wobbling. I may open my mouth and nothing comes out. I envision people yawning, walking out, laughing at lines that are not funny.” “That’s a lot of baggage to carry on the stage with you.” “Tell me about it,” Nicole nods. “Can anyone think two thoughts at the same time?” “Of course not, but there is a hell of a queue behind that current thought.” “Right, so you will think of your lines and own the part while responding to everyone on stage. You won’t have time to be nervous.” “Says you,” Nicole teased. “How would you feel tonight if everything went superbly, and when you take your bow, the clapping reaches a crescendo? Is that what you would like to happen tonight?” “I want to make everyone who worked so hard on this part with me proud. I want you to “kvell” with joy. I want to know that I am bigger than my little thoughts. I want to experience transformation--to believe for the first time that courage is feeling the fear and doing it anyway. I want to walk through the rest of my life unafraid. I want to kick my ego to the side of the road because you are right. A focus on survival is a detour to what we want to achieve, at least when you are not on a sinking ship or there is a lion at the door to the cave. I want to thrive and not survive.” “And?’ “Change your focus, change your life, I guess.” “That’s my Nicole. Self-talk is the destroyer or creator of our lives. What do I always tell you?” Nicole rolled her eyes. “What we think determines what we do. And what we think has little to do with the truth. Beware the Happiness Assassins: Fear. Doubt. Worry. Tell them to ‘Exit stage left.’” “We need you on the set, Nicole in five, four, three, two, one...” the stage manager called. Nicole took in a huge breath. “I love you, mom. I’m off to sow my destiny. Thank you for your wisdom. I am still scared as shit!” “Enter, stage right, my love. Be the potential you seek in the world.”