text: A rook, a bishop, and a knight walk into a bar. Each of them takes a seat as a pawn bartender moves in to take their drink order. "Can I get you something?" The pawn bartender inquires. "Just a beer for me," says the rook. "I'll take a whiskey, neat," the knight says quietly. The bishop surveys the bottles behind the bar, unable to make a decision. "We have a wide choice of vodkas," the Pawn bartender says, attempting to assist. "Oh, I'm not sure. I'm in the mood for something sweet right now. Do you know how to prepare a strawberry daiquiri?" The bishop inquires, eliciting a puzzled expression from the rook and knight. "I suppose I could give it a shot," the pawn bartender admits grudgingly. "You're a lifesaver; I've had myself a day," the fatigued bishop exclaims. The pawn moves about making the drinks, and the knight turns to the other two. "Let's get started; I was walking about in an L pattern, like I usually do, when I spotted something weird. The adversary is moving forward on the right side," the knight elaborates. "Oh my God, I'm going insane. All I can see is what's directly in front of me; I've been staring at a pawn's ass for as long as I can remember," the rook adds, a little uncomfortably. "Calm down, hear me out; I believe we should try to switch sides; we're waging a losing battle," the knight says. "Switch sides? Everything looks fine from my perspective," the bishop says. "Yeah, but you're cross-eyed, you ever noticed that you only move diagonally," the knight says. "It's never been done before; you can't simply switch sides. Don't you have any allegiance to the white king and queen?" The bishop inquires. "I did, but there used to be a second knight, and then I witnessed it, the sacrifice, simply to save the queen after she made a foolish decision. Then it hit me: we don't matter to the monarchy; everything is set up to protect them; what about our lives?" The knight snarls. "We're at war," the bishop continues, "and if the white king and queen prevail, we all win." "I'm not sure about that; there was another rook as well. Then one night, the king approaches him and requests to trade positions, mentioning something about castling. He mistook it for a sexual advance, but he was found dead the next morning," the rook elaborates. "That's what I've been saying, the king could have advanced in any direction, but instead, he put his rook in jeopardy," the knight asserts confidently. "All right, I'll consider this stupid concept for a minute; how do we switch to the other side, genius?" asks the bishop. The knight was about to respond when the pawn bartender returned with their drinks, forcing him to swallow his remarks. "Okay, the rook gets a beer, the knight gets a whiskey, and the bishop wins a daiquiri. Is there anything else I can get you?" The pawn bartender inquires. "Oh God, a dose of insulin for this sweet drink," laments the bishop as he takes a sip from his daiquiri. "Please accept my apologies; that was the first time that drink was ordered here," the pawn bartender acknowledges. "It's alright; evidently, the kingdom will be short of sugar for a while because it's all in my drink," the bishop complains. With a shake of his head, the pawn bartender walks away. The knight checks around to make sure no one is listening in on their conversation before leaning in to discuss it with the bishop and rook. "Okay, you know how we wear white, and the enemy wears black?" The knight inquires. "Don't remind me, bishops around the world get lavish and fancy robes; I'm stuck with this white potato sack," the bishop complains. "Yeah, well, the other day, while on patrol, I killed a bishop and stole his black robe. And shortly before I arrived, I killed a black knight and stole his black uniform. Once we've betrayed our side, we simply start wearing black to show the black side; we're with them now," the knight explains. "So, instead of carrying out our oath, we simply betray our kingdom?" The bishop inquires. "I've seen enough of these conflicts to know that we're going to lose; I knew as soon as I saw pawns sacrificed like candy early on. A king who has no regard for pawns has no regard for anyone but himself," says the knight. "This is making sense; we could be the heroes. We would be regarded as warrior gods if we won the fight for the black side!" The rook says. "All right, I don't want to lose this war as much as you don't; you've persuaded me," the bishop adds. "This is great; when are we going to get the black rook uniform for me?" The rook inquires. The knight gives an uneasy grin. "Here's the thing, we need someone to be sacrificed, so the king and queen don't see it coming," explains the knight. "So, who will be sacrificed?" The rook inquires. "You, you idiot, you're the only one without a black uniform," the bishop says. "Look at it this way," the knight adds, "you'll be recognized as a hero, historians will write books about you, tales will emerge about your sacrifice." "I suppose that would be sort of cool, but how do we go about doing it?" The rook inquires. "We'll begin with the queen. When the black side attacks, I know exactly where the white queen will be. You'll sacrifice yourself, and when the queen believes she's rescued, we'll dress in black and murder the white queen. When the king comes down to see what's going on, we kill him as well," the knight explains. "I like that; everyone knows that queen bish is more powerful than the king anyway," says the bishop, laughing. They finish their drinks and exit the bar. As the black queen enters the white queen's chamber to begin her attack, the rook moves into position directly in front of her. The white rook goes courageously to the right and then forward. The black queen kills the rook in no time at all. Then, the black queen turns her gaze to the white queen, who is terrified since she has no way out; she has been cornered. Suddenly, the white knight and bishop appear and take their places in front of the black queen. The white queen smiles because she knows the knight and bishop will make a sacrifice for her. However, it is at this point that the white knight and bishop don their black clothes and attack the white queen. The black queen looks on, perplexed. The white knight and bishop kill the white queen at the same time. They then bow in front of the black queen. "We are now your devoted servants, my black queen," the white knight declares reverently. The black queen is perplexed and kills the white knight and bishop immediately. The white knight and bishop are instantly transported to a ledge perched high above a chessboard. They notice the white rook. "Hey fellas, how did that go?" the rook inquires as the knight and bishop look on, unhappy. "You said betray the king and queen, you said switch sides, you said we'd be legends," the bishop quips cynically. "Shut up; how long am I going to have to suffer in this hell? This game is taking an eternity!" The knight grumbles as the three remain together in chess purgatory until the war is over.