text: “I’m panicking here!” I say into my phone. I hear my best friend holding in her laughter. “Alright, alright. Sorry. It’s just... there’s no need to panic. She admitted to liking you back!” I roll over to the other end of my bed, pouting. “Yeah, but like... social anxiety. And Maggie is just so perfect and what if I start to be myself around her and she decides I’m too weird and she doesn’t like me anymore-” Amanda cuts me off, tutting into her phone. “Nope. You are not spiralling right now. Not happening,” she says. I frown, hating how easy it is for her to calm me down. Sometimes I just want to be able to spiral and not care and just fall into it. “Alright, whatever. Let’s change the subject,” I say, sitting back up on my bed. I find it hard to sit still while I’m on the phone, having very little to occupy myself without taking the attention from the call itself. Thank goodness my sister isn’t in the room to see me fidgeting every two minutes. “Sure. Tell me how your room is looking now,” Amanda says. I look around the room. Stacie has her stuff set up in one triangle of the room, her bed and desk and bookshelf arranged to fit the space. We had come to the agreement that we would split the room diagonally, giving us more wall space. The closet was split in half, and was on my side of the room, seeing as I had a bunk bed to shove stuff onto instead of a desk. The top bunk worked well to hold all my miscellaneous dishes and school supplies that collected themselves. As of now, all the stuff that would normally be strewn around my bedroom was still packed. “It looks the same as last time you asked. Except Stace organised her little library.” My sister had an obsession with reading, and somehow balanced AP classes as well as reading and a social life. I would never be able to read more than five pages without dying of boredom. Somehow, Amanda agrees with her love of books. “I still wish you read. It’s so much fun,” she says on the other end of the line. “Well, it’s not happening. You can wallow in your books alone,” I tease. I’m about to ask how her holiday is going when I hear my mom holler from downstairs. “Casey, Mark and the kids are here! Get off your phone and come down here!” The doorbell ringing confirms her statement. I roll my eyes, sighing. Amanda must’ve heard through the phone, because she sighs along with me. “I’ll let you go. Try and be friendly,” she adds. “They’re in the same situation as you, y’know.” I nod, even though she can’t see me. “No promises.” We say our goodbyes and I hang up, slipping my phone into my pocket as I trudge down the stairs. I can hear the family through an open window somewhere, and try to tune them out. My mother had gotten remarried earlier in the fall, and the only reason her new husband hadn’t moved in with them had been a need for a new house. While I have a sister already, Mark has three children. A little girl named Margot, and twin boys, Cameron and Kris. It’s not that they are bad people, but going from three people in the house to seven is a lot for anyone. They hadn’t officially moved in yet, they were still living in their old house as everything got sorted out. But it was still too much for me. We had been forced to spend time together before, and the twins seemed to share my enthusiasm for the situation. Margot was really cute and bubbly, and didn’t seem to notice the discomfort whenever the group got together. And Stacie seemed to be having no problem adjusting at all. Of course. She had to be good at everything. As I get to the bottom of the staircase, my mom is reaching the door to greet her husband. I glance around the foyer, trying to figure out where to stand as everyone comes in and take their winter gear off. It wasn’t snowing hard enough to be a problem, but it was still enough to leave white flakes in their hair and melting on their jackets. I opted to lean against an empty spot on the wall, trying to appear casual. “Welcome! How were the roads hon?” Mom directs the second part to Mark, and they fall into conversation as the kids get settled and head to the living room. I stay against the wall, since it’s close enough to be part of the conversation, but still gives me space. The twins sit on the couch, but Margot runs over to me, wrapping her short arms around my waist. I smile, hugging her back. “Hi Casey!” she squeals, her ponytails bouncing with her movement. Her head barely comes up to my rib cage; she’s only six. “Hey, Margot. Are you excited for Christmas?” I ask as she pulls away to look at me. Her grin is almost contagious. I settle for a small smirk, not wanting to seem like I’m completely enjoying this. Margot is the most tolerable of Mark’s children. It’s not that it’s difficult to get along with the twins, but they’re a year and a half older than me. And they’re boys. Not too much in common there. Mark is alright, but I’m still being stubborn about really getting to know him. My mom says that Dad is alright with it, and that he’s still going to be a part of my life. But that doesn’t mean I’m ready to accept a new father figure just yet. “Yes! We’re going to watch movies and have a big dinner and give each other presents!” Margot motions for me to lean closer. “And I get to help you make apple pie,” she whisper-shouts into my ear. “I can’t wait,” I say, feigning total excitement. I look at my mom, who meets my gaze. Don’t mess this up, she seems to say. I shrug, looking back at the living room. The Christmas tree is standing and lit, but there aren’t any ornaments on it yet. Mom decided to wait until Mark and the others got here to put anything on it. We can make new family memories, she had said earlier that week when they were weaving the lights onto the branches. My mood sours a bit at the memory. I look around the house, observing the new decorations Mom and Stacie have been busy setting up. They’ve hung garlands on the pillars by the front door, and candles and strings of lights have been sprinkled around the house. The candles are lit, and the warm scent of cinnamon floats through the air. The sky is already starting to get dark, and the warm lights from the candles cast faint shadows around the room. It’s almost enough for me to enjoy the vibe. Almost. Cameron and Kris are sitting side by side on the couch, looking a bit uncomfortable. Funny, I think to myself. They look as enthusiastic as me . They’re not identical twins, but are quite similar in appearance. They’re both about the same height, and their hair is the same dark brown. Cameron has a bit of a shorter style to his hair, and Kris dresses more confidently. I think of how similar Stacey and I look. Well, how different we look. Stacey has long, blonde hair that she keeps straight. She dresses cute and kawaii, and basically only wears pastels. A huge contrast to my lazy casual-wear style. I have dark hair like my dad, and pixie cut, really short in the back and longer on the top so I can fluff it up. Most days I wear jeans, sweats, and sometimes leggings, along with my signature flannels and a random t-shirt underneath. And I pair it with some crazy earrings. Today I donned some large snowman earrings, with top hats and rainbow scarves. Stace had made fun of them when I bought them, but I had ignored her. Plus, you can never go wrong with rainbow scarfed snowmen. “So, how is school going for you guys?” Mom asks, trying to break the awkward silence. Cameron just shrugs, so Kris pipes up. “School’s pretty good, the teachers are laying off on homework because of the holidays. Though I wouldn’t put it past them to dump a stack on us the minute we go back.” Mom and Mark laugh at the last part. “How about you, Margot? Are you having fun?” Margot nods vigorously. “Yeah, we’re learning about writing our letters really good. I can do the whole alphabet almost!” I smile a bit. Margot is definitely going to become my soft spot. “And I can’t wait to go back and see all my friends! I can tell them about all the fun things we’re going to do together.” My smile falters a bit. The break is almost over already, and then I’ll have to face Maggie at school. When I told her I liked her, it had just slipped out. I hadn’t meant to say it, but then I did. And she had responded in the best way possible. So why was I still so nervous to see her again? Mom jumps up, pulling me from my thoughts. “Ooh, hot chocolate is ready!” she says as she heads into the kitchen, Mark following close behind. I can hear something bubbling on the stove top, and a chocolatey smell wafts through the room. “Make yourselves comfortable,” Mom calls from the kitchen. Margot plops down on the couch beside Stacie and cues up some Christmas cartoons, while the twins exchange glances. I don’t understand the look at first, but they stand up and head towards the stairs, throwing me a sheepish smile as they pass. I take that as a sign that I can go back to my bedroom, and unlock my phone as I take the stairs by twos, finding a couple emails and some snaps. Nothing too important, but I decide to go through my email anyways, for lack of better things to do. The twins turn into their shared room, and I pass to mine. The house is a four bedroom layout, so the twins and Stace and I share rooms. Margot has her own room, down at the end of the hall by mom and Mark’s room. There are a couple bathrooms scattered around the upper level, but Stace and I got the attached bathroom. I sit on my bed, pulling my laptop towards myself to start doing... whatever I ended up doing. A couple days later, when mom calls us all down to the table, my spirits are somewhat lifted. I ended up watching a Christmas movie on Netflix, and though I didn’t pay much attention to it, it provided an idle background sound while I played on my phone. “Alright, everyone sit,” mom is saying when I reach the bottom of the stairs. My chair is still empty, and I’m grateful that she at least left that part of our lives normal. We begin to pile food onto the fancy dinner plates that mom pulled out for the occasion, and there’s sparkling cider since none of the kids are old enough to drink yet. Though, I have no doubt the twins have had alcohol before. I’m about to take a bite of ham when mom stops us. “Alright, girls, this might be a bit different, but Mark and his family,” she gestures to the man sitting beside her, “say grace before eating.” I try to discreetly put my fork down, and Stacie and I share an uncomfortable look. Mom holds Mark’s hand, and the twins and Margot link as well. Stacie and I hold the hands of those flanking us, and Mark starts it. The twins join in, and Margot mumbles the parts she doesn’t know, and perks up at the parts she does. Stacey, mom and I stay quiet, trying to be respectful. It’s a bit weird, but they finish and I pull my hands from Stace and Kris’. “Alright, dig in!” Mark says. I duck my head a bit, ready to eat. “I did the carrots with brown sugar, I hope you like them,” he adds. I don’t voice my hesitation, just try to avoid eating them as long as possible without seeming rude. I gingerly lift my fork to my mouth, and I’m relieved when I realise nobody is paying me any attention. I take the bite, and am pleasantly surprised. The brown sugar makes the carrots sort of soft, and sweet. Mom and the twins are talking about plans for college, and Mark and Stace are talking about extracurriculars. Margot is eating her ham, listening to both conversations. I smile a little, watching her eat her mashed potatoes gleefully. I wake up to small hands shaking my arm. “Casey, wake up!” a young voice says beside me. I open my eyes to see Margot beside my bed, barely outlined by the hall light. The sun is just starting to come up, blinking behind bright snow clouds. I sit up, seeing Stacie getting up from her bed. “Santa came!” Margot says, bouncing a little and tugging at my arm. I smile, pushing the blankets back and blinking away the last cobwebs of sleep. It’s difficult keeping the magic after so many years of not having to pretend, and I almost let slip that I heard Mom and Mark setting presents up last night. But I bite my tongue, and put on a smile. I’m running on like, four hours of sleep, after binging two seasons of Trinkets with Amanda late last night. “Look at all the presents!” Margot bounds towards the tree, draped in sparkling garlands and twinkling lights. We had decorated the day before, and though it had been a bit awkward putting our ornaments on the tree along with the new ones, it had turned out okay. I sit on the couch, in my usual spot, which happens to be closest to the tree. Stace sits beside me, and Margot plops down on the floor in front of the presents. After Margot assures us that everyone is coming down, we wait in silence. The stockings are filled to the brim, and the presents have to be stacked around the tree because of the surplus. Once we are all settled, I go to grab my gift from ‘Santa’, but my mom stops me. “Actually, Case, we’re going to try something different this year.” Mark nods and reaches for the stockings. “We like to do these first,” he passes Kris and Cameron theirs, “and then family gifts,” then Stacie and I get ours, “and presents from Santa come last,” and Margot finally gets hers. She giggles, waiting for something from her father. “Go ahead,” he smiles warmly. We begin to open all the individually wrapped presents, and I come out with some makeup, a couple pairs of funky earrings, and some new earbuds, as well as a bunch of chocolate that was in the bottom of the stocking. We open the family gifts next, and I’m itching to open my ‘Santa’ gift, but mom gives me a look that quells my excitement a bit. I stick it out until the end, and I even get into a bit of conversation with the twins. We start talking about relatives, and I even share a couple stories about my Aunt Reina, Stace piping in at some point about our Grandmas. It was nice. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad after all.