text: Private Investigator Sam Ace relaxed in his chair. He hadn't had a case worth his time in over a month, only cheating husbands and insurance fraud. If the cheating were bad enough, the husbands would require actual insurance, which he referred to as a two-for-one deal. It was a cold afternoon, and in walked a tall blond, I mean really tall, like 6 foot 4; she had to duck just to enter the room. She had the height of a small forward, the body of a linebacker, and the face of a boxer who had spent too many rounds in the ring. Her name was Clarissa Madden, John Madden's niece and the heir to the Madden video game fortune. "Hello, I need your help. Whichever athlete we put on the cover of the Madden Football Game becomes cursed!" "I don't believe in curses; there's always someone pulling the strings behind the scenes." "How do you account for all of these cursed athletes?" She took many video game boxes and dumped them on the desk, totaling over 20 years. "Garrison Hearst, Marshall Faulk, Troy Polamalu, Larry Fitzgerald, and Ray Lewis all got hurt during the season they were on the cover," Clarissa said. "Injuries happen in football." "Barry Sanders was the best running back in football, then he was on the cover, and he retired." "Oh, yes, I remember that." "...Shaun Alexander..." "Who?" "That's exactly my point. Donovan McNabb threw up in the Super Bowl, Michael Vick got arrested for dog fighting, Tom Brady can't retire, and Daunte Culpepper was... Daunte Culpepper." "My God, you're right; these athletes are cursed." "We put John Madden on the cover last year, and he didn't win the Super Bowl either." "OK, Miss Madden, I'll take your case," he said, rising up and reaching for his fedora. "But I must warn you that things could get dangerous. I may have to put myself in the line of fire, and I'm not what most people would consider in shape, healthy, or alive; normally, people say, I thought he died when my name is brought up." Clarissa reassured, "Don't worry, I believe in you. Please help to save the Madden Video Game!" Ace felt he needed to speak with some of the cursed athletes to see if they had any clues or theories. Garrison Hearst was first on his list, and Ace discovered him as a coach for a local high school football team. He caught up with him in the locker room as he was changing. "I'm here to talk to you about the Madden video game curse, Garrison," Sam Ace remarked. Garrison shook his head as he stood there in his underwear. "The curse? Oh, that old thing. I've learned to live with it," Garrison replied, shaking his head. "Oh yeah, how so?" "I've been a football coach here for ten years, and we've never won a game." "Yikes, could it be that you're just a bad coach?" "Yeah, I thought that too, but it's how we lose. Last week, we led Lawrence Academy by 27 points in the first half but fell 31-30. It's as if we've forgotten how to play." "You have to be real choke artists to lose after leading by 27 points." "Yeah, tell me about it." Ace noticed a necklace around Garrison's neck as he was leaving. It was macaroni that had been haphazardly glued into the shape of a football. Next, Sam Ace spoke with Marshall Faulk, who was now a sports network commentator and met up with him in the locker room after shooting a segment. "I'm here to talk to you about the Madden video game curse, Marshall," Sam Ace said. "Ace, do you mind if I change? It was a long day, and I just want to head home." "Sure, do what you have to do." "Tell you the truth; It's real. The only thing I wanted to do after football was pursue my passion for improv comedy, but the curse will only allow me to be a sports commentator." "So sad. Why don't you just leave?" "I can't; something is compelling me to stay." Marshall has now taken off his suit and sits in his underwear in front of Ace. He, too, wears a macaroni necklace that has been haphazardly glued together in the shape of a football. "What exactly is the necklace? Is it a gift from your kid or something?" "Na, this is a gift from the most beautiful woman I have ever met?" "A supermodel or a fan?" "Not at all, Clarissa Madden." "Really, the blond with the... height? Kind of looks like John Madden in a wig?" "A man can dream, right?" Tom Brady was up next. He met up with Tom in the locker room after a playoff loss. "Do you have a minute to talk, Tom?" Tom came out in his underwear and sat on the bench next to Ace. "Sure, Ace; how can I help you?" He quickly saw the necklace, which was identical to the others. "Did Clarissa Madden also give you a necklace?" "Yeah, I never remove it." "I solved it! These necklaces are the source of the Madden curse, and Clarissa Madden cursed everyone." "That sounds a little far-fetched," Brady said as he removed the necklace. "Well, you removed the necklace. Are you able to retire now?" "No, Ace, that's not how it works. You've come to ask about the Madden Curse, haven't you?" "Yes, I was hired to figure out who was behind it." "Well, it's not so much who is causing the curse but rather what is causing it." Ace went on with his list. He met with Troy Polamalu, Larry Fitzgerald, and Ray Lewis, for some reason, all in their underwear. They all had similar stories and the same Clarissa necklace. Clarissa was the only one who could explain the macaroni necklace. So, he tracked her down; she was in the Madden Office's locker room. Ace went in to question her, and she was in her underwear. "Get out of here! I'll be right out; can't you wait?" When Clarissa exited, Ace continued. "What is the significance of the necklace? Why did you gift necklaces to all of the cover athletes?" "We were aware of the curse before launching the video game brand and began featuring athletes on the cover. The necklaces, which were blessed in Canton, Ohio, offer temporary reprieve from the Madden curse." "What do you mean you were aware of the curse?" "Strange things began to occur when we released our first edition, but why? Who? How do we put an end to it? I knew it was a mistake to come to you for help. I'm sorry, Ace; you're fired." Ace slumped away, feeling like a failure. A janitor approached Ace as he was leaving Madden Offices. "Psst, psst, do you want to know why this entire place is cursed?" "Sure." "Come with me." The janitor escorted him to the janitor's locker room. "Do you mind if I change out of my work clothes?" "Sure." As the janitor stood in his underwear, he explained. "This is the story of a young John Madden who became infatuated with the Tecmo Super Bowl. He was unbeatable since he played all the time. One day, he was challenged to a game in which the winner would have complete power over video game football forever. John easily won, and the rest is history." "Why the curse?" "John Madden cheated; if controller 1 was pressed down seven times during the title screen, that player could slow down the game; this is how he was unbeatable." "That's a harsh punishment for cheating on a video game." "No, it isn't; millions of dollars are on the line!" "It was you, wasn't it? You were the one who got hurt all those years ago?" "No, it wasn't me." "Then why do you have an NES in the janitor's locker room." "OK, it was me, but I'm not removing the curse; if you want, tattle on me and get me fired; that game will be cursed forever!" "How about a game of Tecmo Super Bowl to settle this once and for all? No cheat codes, no exploiting glitches, simply 8-bit competition to end a 30-year curse." "You know what, I'm exhausted; let's just get this over with." Ace and the janitor spent the afternoon playing Tecmo Super Bowl in their underwear. It was a hard-fought contest, but Ace came out on top. Tom Brady was able to retire, Marshall Faulk launched his legendary improv comedy career, and Garrison Hearst finally won a game.