text: My breath stank and I knew it. The heat from the pulsating meat crawled out. That heat intimidated me somehow. Something about the way it loomed and crawled. It just got closer and closer until it engulfed you. And it couldn't be stopped... Clearly the weed was getting to me. It got my brother as well. I looked back to his corner of the nightclub. He owned that corner. Not that anyone wanted it anyway. His posture was bad and he had that distant look in his eyes he gets sometimes. His lethargic dancing was the only thing keeping him from blending into the walls completely. Every time I go to a nightclub and the initial appeal of the new surroundings wears off, I ask myself the same questions. Why the fuck am I here? What the fuck am I doing? Etc. It was the kind of feeling of not belonging that could only be matched if I found myself in the middle of a clothing store. I felt like a spy in a foreign country but I wasn't trying to hide it. It was too easy to assimilate. Beautiful happy faces orbited like moons all around me. The more I thought about that, the more they looked like moons. The lights brought out imperfections like little craters. And as they danced shadows moved across their faces in time with the music. A girl with a particularly round face and body was set for a collision course with me. There will be an interstellar collision of minor proportions. She danced like an american movie character. Overly happy and confident, seemingly unaware of the existence of insecurities. Insecurities that had controlled my life like the gravity of a super-massive sun, not allowing me to escape no matter how hard I tried and always bringing me back after I grew tired. This girl emitted a gravity of her own, not only because she was quite overweight but her confidence and happiness made me feel like she knew something I didn't and that she would soon find out that I was a fraud. I felt very little attraction to her but was slightly turned on anyway. That's what I get when female interaction is non-existent beyond buying beer at a shop or pub and paying the cashier. She turned around and moved her huge ass to the latest hit. It was getting closer. She turned her fat face towards me. She had a pretty face but her eyes said only one thing. I tried to look cool but my mind was in overdrive. As we got even closer, my whole body was tingling and my eyes were stuck to her. Pure tunnel vision. It felt like we were the only ones there and the lights lit up our faces like full moons. She backed her ass into my crotch. First Contact. Suddenly my mind left me. It took off in a spaceship for all I know. I turned into a being of pure feeling. It seemed like I was watching myself from above through a telescope in the safety of open space. Absolute nothingness, cold and still. Neither happy nor sad, I just had to accept what was happening. There was nothing I could do from that distance; it was impossibly out of reach. Light-years between my body and mind. My dick was hard and she could feel it. I said bad things as she grinded into me. I kissed her neck and touched her hips. She just kept dancing. Everything around was pure black and the lights were on us. I reached around and touched her belly. It was really big and disgusting. It felt cold and hot at the same time. Soft and hard. I could feel the curve as my hand touched her breasts and pussy. She had shaved recently so that was alright. I kept saying to her that we should leave and fuck but there was no reply. One of her friends came up and they chatted happily, all the while my hand was trying to find the clit. It was surreal and they laughed about something. She shrugged her shoulders and smiled as her friend left. She pushed back harder. I wanted to fuck her because I had never done it before. Bringing a woman to your room for the first time is a milestone I guess. She turned around and kissed me. I thought about my breath. I watched as my mind came back to me at warp-speed. What if my brother saw me with this woman. He didn't joke about those types of things but I always felt that he doesn't understand me and this would only make things worse. I felt sick and self-concious. I wasn't right for her and I looked silly. People were looking at us. The most intense feeling of self-hatred burst through my body. My brain felt like it was snapped in half, flipped over and fried. I took a step back, judged the situation and ran out the door and into the cold, wet night. The moon shined brightly as I smiled and lit a cigarette for the long walk home. *** I've been reading a lot of Charles Bukowski recently and I wanted to write something based on a strange experience.