text: After several decades in development hell, the sequel to the all time classic, The Emoji Movie, was released to theatres. Originally conceptualized by Disney in 2035 as a live action remake of the classic Minion’s Eleven: Revenge of Gru, the project traded hands several times before landing in the lap of soothseer Dax Shepard. Many say that Dax had a prophetic revelation and decided to scrap the entire project, reimagining it instead as a live action remake of the critically acclaimed “The Emoji Movie”. After this proclamation, not a single soul saw him for years, there were whispers of his death, or worse yet, that the project had been canceled. But finally in the year 2065, he emerged, not with his promised live-action remake, but of something even more wonderful. May 5th 2065, The Emoji Movie 2: Escape 2 Africa is released to theatres. Initial viewers going into the film were skeptical, given its prolonged development, but their skeptical thoughts were soon sandblasted from their minds at a speed nearing the international space station. It is the perfect movie. “I didn’t want this movie, but god damn was I wrong, I needed this movie. In fact I’ve already bought tickets so I can see it daily for the next three weeks.” wrote William Alcott of the New York Times before resigning so that he could have more free time to devote to seeing the emoji movie. “The scene where Spuds Makenzie and the ‘black Santa on a pogo stick doing a backflip’ emoji teamed up to hunt down and destroy social media was not only inspirational, but indeed inspiring. We should all aspire to be more like the ‘black Santa on a pogo stick doing a backflip’ emoji.” wrote Marry Seacole of the Huffington post, also before resigning for more “free time”. During the mania of the original release period, the cracks of insubordination went unnoticed, one critic, whose name would later be redacted from history books, dared to write “It was pretty good, I just don’t get why the entire soundtrack was just Dax Sheppard sensually whispering the lyrics to several Europop songs. Overall a 9.9/10”. It wasn’t until months after the release of the film where dangerous opinions like this were realized to have been said, and the appropriate sensible action was taken in order to make sure there would be none like it in the future. Australia was partitioned off, and the people who held opinions on The Emoji Movie 2: Escape 2 Africa that weren’t up to par were sent there, where they could play amongst themselves and their shitty, terrible opinions. The rest of the world flourished in their faith in the film, their technology improved, all wars ended, quality of life increased exponentially, all disease was cured. Despite this, they remained humble, and offered periodical olive branches to the new citizens of Australia, if only they explained why The Emoji Movie 2 was indeed the single most perfect creation of mankind. To this day, Australia’s official position remains: “We just don’t get it”. Dax Shepard, who originally reveled in his newly found fame and fortune, has since denounced the lifestyle and has donated the vast majority of his wealth to the Australian relief fund, whose official slogan is “An Australian in need, is an Australian indeed”. These days a sighting of him is rare, as he claims to be at home working on his next feature film; a spinoff Emoji Movie prequel, set in the 90’s starring everyone’s favorite: ‘black Santa on a pogo stick doing a backflip’ emoji. All one can do is wait in anticipation until the day it arrives.