text: Music Junction was a music streaming service that launched in 2020. They had all of the features of Spotify and Apple Music but were completely free, whereas other platforms charged an average of $9 per month. Music Junction recently ran into financial difficulties when musicians began charging .05 cents for each song streamed rather than .02 cents. Drake earned roughly $10 million from the streaming service alone. Ad sales from DiaperJeams, a jean short diaper company for babies; TaxingTemptation, a dating website for accountants; and Cannibitty, a company that allows you to experience small bites of cannibalism without going full Hannibal Lector, just weren't cutting it anymore. As a result, Music Junction began charging $2.99 a month, and 80% of its subscribers canceled their memberships. This is a snippet of Music Junction's quarterly meeting with employees in January 2023 Bryson Hodges, CEO, took the stage in front of the entire company. "What ungrateful jerks! Our monthly charge was three times less than that of our competitors, yet it was still too much! So, Apple Music has the whole Taylor Swift Album, and we have a third of a recent concert recorded from the back row. So, Spotify has "New Music Friday," and we have "Rappers on the Subway Tuesday." So, Pandora has unlimited skips? We also have unlimited skips, like the ones you get from a scratched 1997 CD we recently uploaded to the site." "In any case, I'm here to announce that we will resume offering a free option." There is an air of discomfort and uncertainty; does this signal mass layoffs? "Now let me clarify, we're not giving away the cow for free here, not in the slightest." "First, the free tier will have a listening quality akin to trying to tape a song off the radio; I recorded the DJ intros myself. Second, our free support line will now be a 1-900 number, and customers will be charged per minute as a woman seductively informs them on how to use the app. Finally, we will take advantage of unique opportunities to earn extra money." The employees stare at each other perplexed. Bryson projected a photo of a student in the back row using AirPods to listen to music. "This is Miguel Thomas from Kalamazoo, Michigan, and everyone at school thinks he's cool and tough. He is secretly listening to Carly Rae Jepson's Call Me Maybe, which he's streamed 597 times this month. We just informed him that if he did not provide us $2.99, we would switch off his Bluetooth, and all the other students would hear the song he was vibing to." Miguel ignored the message. Bryson shrugged and pressed a button. The song began to play on his phone instead of AirPods. Everyone laughed and pointed. Miguel grabbed his phone and paid the $2.99 immediately. Bryson then showed a video of a professional woman driving her car while singing along to a song. "This is Sara Furtado of Casper, Wyoming. She's now singing along to: I Don't Want to Miss a Thing by Aerosmith." Bryson pressed a button, and everyone could hear how horrible she was at singing. Some employees cover their ears in agony. "We'll just email Sara a little recording of this and threaten to post it online and send it to Brandon, a guy she's trying to impress." Sara later received the message, panicked, and immediately sent the $2.99. "There are millions of examples like this. Since creating his account last summer, Roger McPhail of Atlanta, Georgia, has listened to "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion 2,353 times. The audience gasped. "We've also got cell phone footage; here's Peter Abberton, a married construction worker from Denver, Colorado, dancing to WHAM's Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go!" One of the employees in the front row appeared to be ill. "Celebrities aren't immune either; here's Curtis Jackson of New York, New York, also known as "50 Cent," grooving out to Vanilla Ice's Ice Ice Baby, and Justin Timberlake of Nashville, Tennessee singing along to The Backstreet Boys' I Want It That Way." The audience was taken aback. "The possibilities are limitless, Mmm Bop, Lil Bow Wow, Nickleback; people still love their old songs, even though it's cringeworthy now. All we have to do is track when these songs are played and cha-ching!" Employees appeared hesitant. "Don't forget about the cancel culture. Are you still listening to R-Kelly as a professional or a politician? I'm sure there's someone you don't want to know." The employees started to come along reluctantly when a man in a suit came up on stage and whispered something to Bryson. Bryson nodded and turned to face the audience. "We just ran out of money and declared bankruptcy.