text: After Adam eventually died of lower back pain, nine or ten generations passed on Earth. These generations all slept with each other and slowly became more and more retarded from chromosome problems, until Noah was born. This was before "retarded" was a bad word to use. Way before. God looked down on the Earth and saw the damaged DNA fornicating and drinking and doing mad endos with Hummers that were unaffordable and not to be endo'd. This angered God. But, Noah seemed OK. Somehow, through the work of natural sele...eh....God, Noah was born with a healthy set of genes and chromosomes and was, eh, not a bad guy. He wasn't the greatest guy. Not by a long shot. It would be a few thousand years before THAT guy came about, but Noah was someone who you might trust to mow your lawn. Anyway, Noah was married and had a wife and they lived on a grand farm and everyday Noah would go running through the valleys holding hands with his wife and singing to butterflies and they would go to a Community College and learn sign language and knit sweaters, with the butterflies. This angered all of the people in the land who were genetic jerks and they would throw stones at Noah and catcall his wife and knock on Noah's door and then run and borrow Noah's chainsaw and not return it and commit upper deckers in Noah's toilet and generally be mean to Noah. God saw this and God was pissed. He also was pissed that the genetic failures would listen to bands that sucked and had numerous wood instruments to somehow make it seem like they were an adult band with real musical knowledge, when in fact it only takes a person with soul and three or four strings to make a good album. I mean, I don't get these Arcade Fire types with their banjos and suspenders - I'm not buying it and God isn't either. But I digress. So, God started thinking about the Earth and how it had water on it. So, he froze the water so no one could drink it. This created ice ages. But then people developed fire and melted the ice and that stumped God. So, then he decided that he would flood the Earth. God was a logical man and realized that in order to flood the entire Earth, he would need more water. So, he took the water from Mars and just kinda put it in this huge Ziploc bag that he floated over the Earth as a threat. That's how Martians were wiped out. Anyway, so the people on Earth looked up and saw the giant Ziploc bag of water and they figured it was just another moon or star or something - they were stupid. Also, you must give them credit as they did not know what a Ziploc bag was. This was like way before even that movie The Land Before Time. God then spoke to Noah and said "Dude. Dude. DUDE!" Noah was passed out. He had been drinking all night and partying out in the field with some giraffes and skunks. That's the kind of guy Noah was. He partied with animals, making him the original party animal. Noah awoke. "Dude?" "Dude." God confirmed. Noah looked upon God. "Dude." God had taken the form of an elephant with a blazer on and sunglasses. It was Risky Business meets National Geographic and it was totally uncalled for. But Noah could hang. "Noah, in the beginning after the light and stuff, I made man and man was good for awhile. But then I never made another strain of man, so all of these men and women started having sex with their family members and that's way wrong and makes way messed up kids. Like that dorkus Jerry you hang out with. Do you see how he wears his pants down to his knees and listens to really shitty hip hop music and doesn't even know who NWA were?" Noah nodded. Jerry was a douchebag, but he was the only person that would hang out with Noah and go singing in the fields with him and ferment oranges to make really bomb ass alcohol. God continued. "And how he always has everything just a little bit wrong. Like he reads a little bit about something and then just makes up the rest and when you call him out on it, he'll act like he knew it all the whole time? Or how he rides a bike in traffic and doesn't follow any of the traffic rules and - " "Yes. Jerry. I know him." "Well, anyway, these guys have to die. We must get rid of them. You are the only person on Earth that I can stand. It's like watching TV and it's all just Jerry Springer and reality shows and - well, not now. That's when I flood the Earth again. After I promise I won't. Shit. Look, forget all that. Let's start at the top. K, so I'm going to kill all of humanity." Noah looked around and saw humanity in the streets, with their kids, shopping for school clothes and double parking. "OK." "And all the animals." "Wait. What am I gonna eat?" "Plants. I will leave you plants to eat. And smoke." "No way. Animals taste good. Can't you leave the animals?" "OK. But we must kill them all first, but we'll save enough to breed. Like two a species." "But aren't you gonna get that genetic problem again?" "Shut up! Now, listen, I will flood the -" Noah then had a moment of reflection and thought about the time Jerry loaned him an ox to help him fight the dinosaurs that were attacking his house. "Wait, God. Can't you give humanity another chance? You know? For the 'oah?" God thought about it and said "No." "Wait. What if I sacrifice some stuff?" "No." "K. What if you give me like a week to tell everyone to be cool?" "OK. But I don't think it's going to make a difference." And God was right. Noah began preaching about the people's sins and about how stupid making bags in markets illegal was and how owning twelve axes to protect yourself was stupid and how Siracha sauce is the best way to spot a douchebag. But no one listened and Noah went home and had a real American meal with Tabasco sauce, thousands of years before America was invented, which kinda made Noah a hipster douchebag, but who cares. "K, God. You win." And Noah went off into the forest collecting animals like Dr. Moreau. So, God opened the Ziploc bag full of water. It took him awhile because it was hard to get his huge God fingers between the plastic folds. But then the flood rained down on Earth for a shit load of time. Noah would occasionally put his hand out the window and go "Still raining." to his wife and she got really upset because the joke was way old and she was tired of Noah and the kids and the shit load of animals that smelled like shit. Eventually, Noah's wife made Noah kick all the dinosaurs off the boat because they were smoking in the ark. And she kicked the unicorns off for gambling and not having fishing licenses. Finally, Noah saw a bird. An eagle. The eagle was holding an American flag in its talons and winking at Noah. Noah landed the ark on Plymouth and everyone got out and started stretching because it was a way long boat trip. Then God came out of the sky and said "Check out this fresh rainbow!" Noah and his family and all the animals looked at the rainbow and realized, yea, it twas fresh. "Noah, this rainbow is a covenant that I will never ever flood the Earth again." God was crossing his giant God fingers behind his giant God back. "Thanks, God! But why a rainbow?" "Oh, no reason." Then God went back to heaven to his husband Timothy and they went antiquing. The End.