text: After the accident, naturally things had to change. Janet said goodbye to Nathan, her husband of 27 years, at Barksdale Funeral Home in Milford. Janet survived but barely and most days she wished she hadn’t. They gave her therapy for her survivor’s guilt and grief as well as her injuries. She longed to return to the home she treasured, so she stopped telling them she wished she hadn’t survived. When Kacey, her social worker, brought her back home, she had no choice but to face the fallen remnants, Nathan’s scent lingering in the ruins. A smudge of his blood. Who will chop wood for the winter? Nathan proposed on Mount Washington, the mightiest of mountains. She knew when she accepted his proposal that her future was in the White Mountains. Nathan was reason enough to give up her dream of traveling the world for his dream of individualism, independence and hard work. The ranch was remote and they both knew it, in fact, that made it ideal. They could defend their property with fences and firearms. She favored the twelve gauge pump action shotgun and slept with it next to her bed. Janet had been in rehab for six months with no one caring for the ranch. She wandered around the dusty memories. She pulled out that old shotgun and cleaned it while she ate some Hormel Chili. Kasey, from social services helped her with reinstatement of utilities and cable tv as well as taking her to the Walmart for food and cleaning supplies and whatever. She looked down her nose when Janet slipped a twelve pack of Rolling Rock in the cart, but she really didn’t care what Kasey thought anymore, now that she had been released. Both Janet and Nate stood behind their live free or die lifestyle, but the day the barn collapsed with both of them in it, Janet wondered if the independence was really worth it. They had run out to the barn to try to save the animals and Janet was knocked into the barn door by a falling rafter. She pulled herself out from under the debris that had fallen from the roof, yelling Nathan’s name with every heartbeat. She crawled toward his scent and found Nathan’s head grimacing back at her. His head without his body attached. Janet went into a coma for a month. According to the doctors, it was a defense mechanism to heal the body without the stress of grief, which they believed would prolong her recovery. It took her three months to walk again and another three to walk well enough to be released. She had been getting a healthy dose of pain meds at the long term health rehab which included pain meds, muscle relaxants, antidepressants, and benzos. Now she had only Vicodin and Xanax and a combination of vitamins and nutrients. She was not supposed to drink beer, but Rolling Rock seemed innocent enough. Nathan had left a modest life insurance policy, but most of that was eaten up by the rehab costs. There was just enough that she could get by for a while. All the animals either died in the storm or were sold to pay the bills. A home health nurse visited her at the ranch three times a week for the first couple of months and then Janet convinced them it would no longer be necessary. Janet sold whatever farm tools were left and managed to buy an old but reliable Dodge Ram, which suited her just fine. After a few weeks back home, Janet started visiting Skelly’s Diner. Bill Skelly and Nathan had been pretty close friends back in the day, and Janet told him she felt closest to Nathan while having coffee in the diner like they used to do together. Bill had always been happy to give her a few minutes of his time and maybe share a slice of pecan pie. June Skelly’s pies had achieved a royal place in the hearts of the town. One balmy summer evening, Janet drank iced tea with lemon at a window table at Skelley’s and a man she hadn’t seen before walked past the window and through the door of the diner. She couldn’t help but to stare at him with his boots and his swagger. He smiled generously at her with a toothy grin and a deep dimple in each cheek. She got the kind of butterflies in her stomach that she had forgotten existed. These were true blue school girl butterflies . He seemed to know. He got a coke from the counter and, without asking permission, joined her at her window table. “Hola. I’m Miguel.” “Hola,” Janet replied, blushing at her elementary Spanish. “I’m Janet.” Janet was clearly at least twenty years Miguel’s senior but Miguel’s eyes could see nothing but her robin’s egg blue eyes and the tight body she earned with years of manual labor. “Mind if I buy you a slice of pie?” Janet said, coquettishly shifting her gaze to her glass of iced tea, with lemon. “Si,” was all he had to say. They sat and talked until June gave them their last refills and let them know she would be closing. Janet left plenty of money on the table and the two stumbled like kids out the door and onto the sidewalk, holding their sides with laughter. Janet took a tissue from her pocket and wiped a crumb from Miguel’s patron style moustache. He held her gaze tightly in his own as she wiped each whisker gently. They walked and walked and walked, through the foothills, around the center of town, up to the church on the hill, and ending up at Janet’s Dodge Ram. With tears, she pulled away in her truck and returned to the ranch in the White Mountains. She vacuumed and dusted and scrubbed until she collapsed in Nathan’s old chair and slept like she hadn’t since the night of the accident. The next morning, Janet woke up to a sharp knock at the front door. She managed to pull herself up and to the door. It was Kasey with a clipboard. “Good morning Janet. Did I wake you? It’s already nine am.” “Yes. Yes you did. I guess I was tired,” she shook the cobwebs out of her head. “I thought I was released from home health care.” “I wanted to stop by and let you know something myself. They are really cracking down on pain meds Janet. We are going to pull the vicodin and prescribe you a strong dose of ibuprofen. I think that will be sufficient at this point, don’t you?” A strong wave of nausea ripped through Janet’s gut. She was doing well because she had adequate pain relief. “But I need those pills still! I have gotta lot of pain. Oh God, my leg was almost severed completely off, I had a coma and....” “I know all that Janet. I know you have relied on them a long time. Not my call. I can offer you relaxation classes or yoga or possibly pain block injections.” “Stop talking. Please stop talking. Ok,” she thought about what this would mean to her. “When? When are you taking my lifeline?” “Today. Now. What you have left is all you will get.” Janet didn’t remember much after that. Kasey was gone. Three pills left. She took them. Then she snuggled up on the couch with a Rolling Rock, a bag of crunchy cheetos and the remote to try to forget about it all for now. Sometime in the middle of a movie about a sea monster, another knock snapped Janet out of her reverie. She managed to drift to the door, hoping it was not Kasey again. She nearly fainted when she saw that it was Miguel. “Mami! Are you ok?”he said as Janet collapsed into his arms. “Did you take something mami?” Janet tried to answer, but the words were replaced with sounds she never heard before. Manual carried her to the couch and sat with her, looking around to see if she could have overdosed. He held her in his arms and finished watching the movie about the sea monster. When Janet woke up, she was still in Miguel’s arms. She was comforted by the smell of his aftershave. It was so different than the Dial soap smell of Nathan. When she moved to get up, Miguel woke up and smiled at her so sweetly that Janet forgot how much pain she was in for just a moment. That moment was long enough to fall in love. Janet made them some coffee. Miguel liked mostly milk and sugar. Janet explained about the medications and Miguel just sipped his sweet coffee and listened, nodding from time to time so she knew he was paying attention. “I will stay here with you for a few days. Just to make sure you are alright. Maybe I can help.” “Oh I couldn’t ask you to do that. I know you must have a life of your own Miguel,” she was shaking her head no but she lied. She wanted his company more than anything she had ever wanted. Miguel cleaned up the house and cleaned up outside when Janet slept. Janet took ibuprofen but it didn’t help. Miguel drew her hot baths and then cool ones. Janet shivered hard and felt like ice even though she was beading sweat all over her body. Miguel sat with her and told her stories about his home in Mexico. He told her about ancient Mayan ruins and seaside fish taco stands. He described rain forests and warm beaches inside the baja peninsula. He described long buffets of the finest fishes and fruits and watching sunsets over the Pacific from a sand dune where they would drink wine and make love. “Miguel, your stories are keeping me alive. I wish I could travel to those places with you.” “Maybe you can mami. You are getting better every day,” he said this with pure love, but knowing she was slowly failing. “Before I met Nathan, I dreamed of traveling the world. Tell me more stories. Please Miguel.” He took some time to search the internet and tell her tales of travel to exotic places he had never been. He told tales of London and Paris, Tokyo and Budapest. They traveled the world together, but never left the ranch. “I hate to ask you this Miguel, but is it possible for you to get anything to help me with the pain?” “Mami, what you are asking is dangerous. I left Jalisco to start a new life.” “I don’t want to ask you, but, Miguel, you have no idea. The pain. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked.” “You think I can get you illegal drugs just because I’m Mexican?” “Can you?” “Mami. We can live a good life together. A happy life. I don’t want to be the one to keep you addicted, to put your life at risk. I can’t promise the stuff isn’t tainted. Are you sure? Are you positive?” “I’m not sure of anything. I’m sorry. Just hold me a while.” Miguel pulled her tightly against him and could feel her body hitch with tears. He could hear her teeth chatter with withdrawal. He tried to keep her warm. He kissed her hair. He could feel her suffering in his own body. “I will try mami. For you. I could go to prison for a long time for this. You know they have eyes on me just because I’m Mexican. But, I don’t want you to suffer, so I will try.” Janet cried while Miguel was gone, but she picked up her pain and went outside to face the scene of the disaster that changed her life. She seemed to be floating as she walked the empty field where the barn used to be, full of life. She looked into the White Mountains and reconnected her spirit to the heart of the earth. She had some moments where clarity intervened through the Xanax and Rolling Rock haze, but mostly, she suffered what felt like filet knives in her hip joints, electrical jolts down her legs, nails in her neck and burning running lights up and down her spine. When Miguel returned, he found her passed out on the couch. He was relieved when he saw her chest heaving up and down and he could be sure she hadn’t died. “Miguel. I thought you would never get back.” “I brought you some medicine mami,” he smiled and showed her a small syringe - the kind diabetics use for insulin. “What is it? Where did you get it?” “Trust me mami. I still know some people. I can help you.” He found a vein, flicked it with his finger, tied it off, flicked it again and easily pressed the thin needle into the vein. Janet jolted when it hit her. Then she put her head on Miguel’s shoulder and smiled. “No pain,” she whispered with her lips touching his ear. “Like magic.” Miguel continued to set Janet up with pain relief through the winter. He chopped wood and kept the place running. He also brought her groceries and Rolling Rock and whatever else she needed. He lived with her at the ranch and did all the repairs and improvements. Then, in the spring, Janet was getting very tired. “‘Miguel, I feel like time is running out,” “What do you mean? Is this another morbid moment mami?” “I feel worn out Miquel,” she stroked his thick, black hair. “After all I have done? You know I’m taking a big risk right?” “Oh Miguel. Yes. Thank you so much. You have made me feel better, loved, cared for. Please don’t think I don’t appreciate it or think it's enough. It is way beyond anything I could have imagined.” “Please be positive. You have been doing so well. We will have a beautiful spring, planting flowers and, we can get a dog, and..” “Miguel. Thank you. Thank you so much,” Janet kissed his hand and held it to her cheek. “I’m going to be a little longer this time. I need to go to Mexico. Don’t worry. I will be back before you know it.” Janet spent the time Miguel was gone in a drug induced fog, barely getting out of bed or eating. She had a bad feeling. Then one night, a knock at the door woke her. She threw herself out of bed and ran for the door, hoping like hell it was Miguel. But it wasn’t Miguel. It was two police officers. She heard them talking but couldn’t understand the words. They were saying that Miguel had been killed. They wanted to know if she knew anything. That couldn’t possibly be right. That couldn’t possibly be true. “You must have it wrong officers. Miguel just went to see his family in Mexico a few days ago. I expect him home anytime now.” “Ma’am I’m very sorry but we are not mistaken. It happened yesterday but they just notified us today. Your name was in his phone. Did he mention anything else about the trip to Mexico besides that he was visiting family?” “No. He didn’t. I’m sorry. Am I under arrest? If not, I would like to be left alone.” She could feel the shaking bubble up from deep inside her gut. After the officers left, her hands trembled so hard she had to sit on them. She had a little of the medicine Miguel left so she used it and went back to bed. She waited day after day. The medicine was gone. Miguel was gone. She was waiting for him to call and he did not. She thought they must be mistaken and he must be alive. The joke must be on them. She looked outside and, nothing meant anything to her. She drifted through the day, knowing the monkey on her back had returned. The chills were starting. The chattering teeth. The pain that ran deeper than her body was thick. She managed to get back to her bed that night. She has stopped waiting for Miguel to call. For some reason, he couldn't call, and she accepted that. She thanked God for all he had provided to her. She prayed that he was safe and well. Then she reached under the bed, and took that 12 gauge pump action shotgun she always kept there. She held it tight, like she had clung to Miguel and before that to Nathan. She held that shotgun and she waited, knowing that she would always live free or die.