text: About two years ago, things started going south between my wife and me. It started with one little argument that turned into a big problem, which only grew into resentment. All the writing was there, on the wall, in plain English, and no matter how hard we tried to ignore it, it kept getting bigger and bolder and more colorful. We only made that last-ditch attempt to avoid the embarrassment of divorce, but counseling only made us resent each other more. Safe space, my ass. I couldn’t say one word without triggering her, even though I would let her speak every bit of BS about me, most of which was petty and some of it straight up lies. I don’t know why she would make up stories for a counselor, but she did, and it only made the counseling meaningless, a complete waste of time and money. I tried calling her out on a couple occasions, but the counselor would stop me every time, “safe space,” BS. But if I was saying something and she cut me off, the counselor would just let her go on some tangential rant. We went for all of a half-dozen sessions before I refused to continue, claiming it was all one-sided, which made her even more angry. Not that she wanted to keep going in an attempt to save our marriage, but because it was cathartic for her. Her, able to bitch and moan about how awful I was, meanwhile, I’m sitting there getting literally abused and being forced to take it. Nope. I gave her an ultimatum: give me a divorce immediately and swiftly, or I would drag her through the mud for abusing me. Those sessions were all recorded, so I had plenty of evidence to prove I was being verbally and emotionally abused. Which way do you think it went? After a year of battles, we had a final trial set. My lawyer was not cheap and I was getting to the point of desperation financially. My parents had “loaned” me a chunk of their retirement, and I quote, “only to be paid back if you’re ever able to.” I had also begged a couple friends for some money, the most embarrassing part of the whole thing. Fortunately, I had friends who were on my side, understanding how bad things were for me and how nasty she had become. The final trial was almost a joke, as her lawyer was akin to the one guy from My Cousin Vinny, you know, the one who stuttered a lot. He tried pulling stunts to delay the trial, called for a mistrial within the first five minutes, and even had the judge questioning his bar certification more than once. It was an open and shut case once my lawyer played the clips from our counseling sessions. The judge called the counselor to the stand herself and she went down a whole path of questions against the counselor, questioning her certifications. It was great. I won, was awarded access to all of our money, which was frozen for months, and my now-ex-wife was handed an order of protection, disallowing her to be within 100 yards of me, which sent me into a laughing fit as the bailiffs dragged her out of the courtroom. Now we get to more recently. I was walking from my office downtown to a little Greek café for lunch a few weeks ago when this guy bumped into me. Guy - “Sorry, I didn’t see you there.” Me - “Maybe try using those things below your eyebrows.” Guy - “I really am sorry. I’ve been really anxious lately and wasn’t paying attention. I’ll watch out more, I promise.” Me - “Hey, sometimes things happen. No biggie.” Guy - “No, really, I apologize.” The guy stuck out his hand, like he wanted to shake hands with me, so I did so and walked away, going into the café. I got my food at the counter and grabbed a seat at the little bar top in the front window. As I was eating, I saw that same guy peeking out from behind a bush, seemingly watching me. I don’t think he had a clue that I could easily see him hiding there, but it was so obvious. I finished my food and cleaned up my little space at the bar top. I walked out and went straight to the bush, nearly scaring the guy half to death. He jumped up and yelped. Me - “Whatcha doin down there?” Guy - “Oh, I dropped a cufflink down here. It’s from my grandfather, and I would be devastated to lose it.” He was wearing a polo shirt, so it was obvious he was lying. Me - “Oh, that sucks. Let me help you find it.” Guy - “No, no. You don’t need to do that. I already inconvenienced you enough today.” The guy blushed and crouched back down, acting as if he were searching the dirt for something. Me - “Well, you’ve been looking for more than thirty minutes. I don’t think you’re going to find it if you haven’t by now.” Guy - “What? Oh, you’re still here?” He acted like he wasn’t peeking back at my feet every few seconds to see which direction I went, if I did walk away. Me - “So, are you going to tell me why you’re watching me?” Guy - “Because...wait, I’m not watching you. Why would I do that?” Me (laughing) - “You’re not good at this.” Guy - “Sorry. I mean, sorry?” I laughed again and started walking back to my office. As I turned the corner to go around to the lobby door, I stopped and looked back the way I came from to see the same guy standing there, seemingly frozen, about fifty yards back. Now, there were other people walking the same sidewalk, but he just stood there, blocking foot traffic, apparently hoping I wouldn’t see him. I went around the corner and stood there, a few feet in, waiting to see if the guy would pop around. It was only thirty seconds or so before he did indeed pop around the corner. Me - “Boo!” Guy - “Whoa, what the?” Me - “Gotcha. You really do suck at this, whatever you’re trying to do.” Guy - “I don’t know what you mean. I’m just going to my office.” Me - “That happens to be the same path I go every day and I’ve never seen you before?” Guy - “I’m new around here.” Me - “Okay, sure. Well, be more careful.” I told a few of my colleagues about my interactions with that guy and they all thought it was funny but strange. So, I kept an eye out for him, not that I had to watch hard. He was so clumsy and stupid, never hiding well, always doing something to fumble it. I saw him every day for two weeks straight, even on the weekends while running errands and doing stuff around the house. I went out for drinks with a couple friends on Saturday night and that guy came in, sitting at the opposite end of the bar, like I wouldn’t notice him. I just waved at him, which caused him to become frantic and he tried to hide behind a pillar at the end of the bar. I was laughing so hard at how bad he was at stalking me, I even had my friends laughing at him after telling them about all the antics. So, we walked over to him and as the three of us stood there surrounding him on his stool, we probed him. Me - “How’s it going, guy who works by me and keeps following me?” Guy - “I’m just new in the area and I thought if I followed you around, I would find some cool places to hang out.” Me - “Oh, like my back yard?” Guy - “I...uh...no, but...” Friend 1 - “Watcha drinking there?” He picks up the guy’s glass and sniffs it. “Iced tea in a rocks glass...interesting choice for someone trying to be ‘cool’.” Guy - “I don’t drink.” Friend 2 - “Huh, why come into a bar then? Why not the diner next door, or the juice bar across the street?” Guy - “I...” Me - “Look, I don’t know who you are or why you’re stalking me, poorly, I might add, but you need to stop.” Guy - “Yes, sir. Sorry.” He got up and left a few dollar bills on the bar before walking out. We laughed for several minutes about that whole situation, considering none of us were particularly threating looking, let alone the fighting types, so to deal with the guy the way we did seemed so funny to us. It wasn’t until I was walking home that the whole thing changed. I was about a block from my house when the guy popped out from an alley with a gun in his hand, which was shaking like a leaf. Guy - “You’re going to walk with me to your house and you’re going to take me in with you, please.” Me - “Or what, you’re going to shoot the tree next to me?” He looked down at his hand to see the gun pointed nearly sideways and corrected it. Guy - “Sorry, but I’m not messing around this time.” I acted like he wasn’t even there walking around him and going the rest of the way home. As I stepped into the front door, throwing it shut behind me, he stopped the door with his foot. I turned and almost knocked him over, sending him back a few steps with his gun toting arm flailing around. Guy - “Man, you almost made me trip and who knows what would have happened. Please be more careful.” Me (laughing) - “You are the weirdest stalker...I’ve never even read about anyone being as bad at this as you or seen any movies or shows. How did you get into this?” Guy - “Your wi....sorry, uh...” Me - “Seriously? How did she find you? Facebook marketplace? Wish?” Guy - “Never mind that, just let me in.” Me - “Nah, I don’t feel like doing this tonight. Can we try again another time?” Guy - “Well, I suppose...wait, no. I’m supposed to be in charge here!” Me (again laughing) - “Wish Assassin. That’s your new nickname.” Guy - “Please, stop. I’m just trying to do my job. I’m sorry I suck at it. I’m pretty new.” Me - “You seem like a nice, decent person. Why on Earth are you letting that ugly-ass shrew get you into this mess?” Guy - “I need the money and she promised me $3000 if I did this......whoops.” Me - “THAT’S IT?!” Guy - “I really need the money.” Me - “If I give you half of that right now, will you go away and leave me alone?” Guy - “Well, I suppose that could work. What am I supposed to tell her?” Me - “Tell her exactly this: the conditions weren’t right and as a professional, you couldn’t risk it.” Guy - “Wow, you’d be good at this.” Me - “No, you’re just REALLY bad at it. You should quit now, before you do something stupid and end up in prison, or dead. It’s not worth it. She’s not worth it, trust me.” Guy - “Please don’t put me down. I’m having a really hard time right now.” Me (laughing) - “Man, you’re pathetic. Wait right here, do not try to come in. I’ll be back with $1500 for you to leave me alone.” I went to my safe and pulled out $1450 from the envelope of money, which had several thousand in it, and walked back to the front door. Me - “Here’s $1450. It’s all I can bare to give you now.” Guy - “Oh wow, that’s the most cash I’ve ever seen! Thanks!” He didn’t blink twice about me stiffing him by $50. Me - “So, we’re done, right?” Guy - “Yeah, this is great!” Me (shaking my head) - “Seriously, pathetic.” Guy - “See you later!” As he turned and walked away from my house, I said, “I hope not, but if you do, I’ll see you first. That’s for sure.” I laughed heartily as I slammed the door and locked it. I couldn’t believe my horrible ex-wife hired some discount ass-assin to kill me, someone who had no balls and couldn’t even defend himself when he had a gun in his hand. I mean, I could believe that if she did hire someone, they would be that bad, but I didn’t think she would stoop to that level. Needless to say, today while leaving for lunch, I saw him standing behind a bush outside my office. I immediately walked in front of him and said hi, which threw him into a panic. Guy - “No, you weren’t supposed to see me!” Me (laughing) - “I told you I would see you first. Truly terrible at this.” So he’s still stalking me, and I don’t know if he’s going to try to pull it off again, but I have a feeling he will, at least once he needs more money. But he’s so bad at it, we’ll probably play this game for months before I turn him in. I just want to have some fun and really piss of my ex. The longer this goes on, the more annoyed she’ll be...I know her. She’ll get to the point where she’ll start threatening and abusing this poor guy, if she hasn’t already. Me - “See you tomorrow.” Guy - “Yep...I mean, no, you won’t.