text: ####Any feedback would be welcome. I'm trying to be less batshit insane in my writings.#### - Ard was told by Lord he could taste all that's of the land, with one exception. He must never, ever, eat the fruit of the great Xan Tree. Ard wandered the land, obeying Lord, sampling all it had to offer: Psychedelic mushrooms, stimulating leaves, appetite increasing herbs, pain killing poppies, fermented fruit, and much more. The natural world was at his disposal! He never considered the Xan Tree. However, one day, he found himself a bad bitch. Or a bad dick. He wasn't sure. They were in love and he didn't care if his partner was a bitchdick. Or a dickbitch. Unfortunately, it ended up being a bad bad. One day, his non-binary cohabitation partner came home with some xan fruit in hand. Xhe told Ard that a man, a cool man, convinced Zanzarella but a tiny pluck of the Xan Tree. Now, Zanantonio had handfuls of the things. Ard was bewildered. "What was that dude's name? How cool?" "Snake Serpent." "Dammit Zaneida! You know it's forbidden!" "Snake had a cool leather jacket." "Oh," replied Ard. Pop! And just like that Ard became Barrd. Ard soon saw shame in his clothes. He stripped, prancing nude about Eden, stealing as he saw fit. Chad Lord, appropriately named head of the homeless shelter, was enraged. Ard and his beloved Zanetioni.. <*Aw shit, who are we kidding? Ard never remembered her name. It's Zanny now, deal with it.*> Well, they were kicked the fuck out of Eden. "Who names a shitty homeless shelter 'Eden' anyway?" asked Zannie. There was a brief pause. "I mean, who names a shitty homeless shelter 'Eden' anyway?" asked Zannie, completely forgetting she had already asked that rhetorical question. Such is the way of alprazolam. "Who names -" Ard cut her off, likely the wheels spinning so slowly he was finally getting around to answering the first time the question was asked. "A Chad...A devious Chad. The Beta and the Zeta, a pussy. One who seflishly planted his xan shrub in the middle of his fortress paradise, all for himself!" Ard's mumble was barely audible. However, the way he clenched his fist, slowly swaying side to side, it showed shit was getting serious. With eyes half closed, he studied Eden. It wasn't good enough. He couldn't make out the proper reconnaissance details. In a gradual flash, his eye lids slowly widened at the speed of dumb. Zoom. Enhance. Zoom - no wait. Stop! He observed an imposing ring camera, some shoddy wifi, broken CCTV, and a daunting cast iron fence. Thin rods with tiny points at approximately chest height surrounded the perimeter. "Impenetrariation is impassible." Ard gasped. "You mean impossible?" asked Zannie. "No. Impassable. Like the speed of light. It's impassable to go faster than light, you'd always come in 2nd, never passing. Impassable." Zannie was glad to have such a smart BAE. What now? Ard had to science the shit out of it. Pencils? Check. Paper? Check. Calculator? Ard held up his fingers. Check. Most importantly, spectacles? A broken pair with no frames. *Bet these have transition lens, badass.* Ard thought. Check. Now he was ready. He needed Plan B, kids are a scourge of the earth. No wait. He needed his Plan A. A plan to defy the Chad Lord. He would break into the Shelter of Eden and steal the mighty Tree of Idiocy. *It's most displeasing to inform you that details concerning the grand adventure that followed is lost mostly to time. The participants in what was described as* ###"...The greatest heist of all time, with elements that made men ponder the true meaning of their existence...gave us the answers to life through vague platitudes...[love] solves all problems, including scarcity, world hunger, and rapidly decreasing biodiversity in the ecosystems."### *All involved are either dead or were too barred to bear the burden of remembering that fateful time. No insight could be extracted as to what happened.* What we do know is as follows. *Twist You Missed:* Eden is a shitty homeless shelter. It's not, in fact, the biblical paradise known as the Garden of Eden. (I know. Mind BLOWN). *Plot Twist:* The Tree of Idiocy ends up being a pill bottle, one with an everlasting script, a paradise of endless refills. *All is lost twist:* Masculine Chad Lord ends up not having a gender, enticing gender fluid Zannie, who leaves Ard. *Final Happy Ending Twist:* Luckily, Zannie and Chad suffer a poorly timed simultaneous seizure from xanax withdrawals that saves the day (How it saved the day is anybody's guess). Ard escaped with the bottle, avoiding indictments on a myriad of charges. Charges including breaking and entering, trespassing, attempted murder, first degree murder, desecration of a corpse, obstruction of justice, witness intimidation, destruction of evidence, and perhaps most baffling, conspiracy to over throw the United States. Officials refuse to comment on any of these related charges or why a grand jury dropped them. A spokesperson, notably swaying at the podium, stated, "Too be honest, we can't really remember." Ard, a free man, lives the rest of his days barred out and happily ever after.