text: The sounds of silverware and small talk echoed inside the intimate restaurant. Jacoby looked down at the plate and back up towards Antoinette. “Do you want the last one?” She smiled and shook her head, so he popped the baked clam in his mouth. Antoinette leaned forward with a shine in her eyes. “Can I ask you something?” “Oh, that’s never a good thing, especially on a blind date!” They both laughed, and after it died off, he nodded. “Are you a superhero?” Jacoby leaned back in his chair and smiled. “Did Ben tell you that? Did he say that to you?” “No! Well, I mean kind of. He might have mentioned it to Cecilia, and she might have told me.” “I don’t want you to get the wrong idea.” “What do you mean?” Jacoby felt his cheeks flush with a mix of embarrassment and unwanted attention. “I mean, I’m not really a superhero.” “What does that mean?” “I uhh, I’m not sure what I mean.” Jacoby let out an awkward laugh. Antoinette eyed him while taking a sip of her wine. “Do you have superpowers?” There was some sarcasm mixed into her question. Jacoby squirmed in his seat for a couple of beats and leaned forward, almost coming out of his chair. “I shouldn’t do this, but...can you keep a secret?” “Of course!” Jacoby looked around to make sure no one was listening. “Yeah, I kind of do.” Antoinette waited for the punch line, and when none came, she sat straight up. “What? Are you serious?” “Yeah, I am.” Antoinette paused again, still waiting for the punch line. When she drank, she sounded like Marisa Tomei from “My Cousin Vinny,” and the accent was now on full display. “You’re sitting across this table and dead-ass telling me you have superpowers?” Jacoby remained unperturbed by her distrust. He was used to this, which was why he was silently cursing Ben. “Yup.” “Okay then, what are they?” Jacoby took a breath; at this point, he had to tell her or risk sabotaging the rest of the date. “Well, it all started one day when I was making waffles and -- “ “Oh, you’re telling me a story?” Her question threw him off. “Well yeah, it’ll make more sense this way.” “All right, continue.” “I was making waffles, and I guess some batter spilled on the stove, and a grease fire started.” “Yeah?” “And I panicked and grabbed the Gatorade bottle I was drinking and dumped it on the stove, causing a huge explosion!” Jacoby pantomimed the explosion and included a sound effect. “Okay.” “And I guess the explosion, mixed with the Gatorade electrolytes and my body chemistry gave me my superpower.” Antoinette sat there, waiting for Jacoby to fill the pause or fill her in on the joke. “And that is...what?” “I have the power to throw or break any object, causing it to explode, but then it reappears good as new.” She stared at him, her frustration growing more and more apparent. “I don’t get it.” Jacoby picked up the wine glass in front of him. “Like I could throw this wine glass against the wall, and it would explode but then reappear on the table like nothing ever happened.” Silence hung like a portrait inside an art museum. Dissatisfied and confused, Antoinette’s internal censor took a smoke break. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” “What do you want me to say? It’s my gift, ...and my curse.” “So, do you have a name?” “Yeah, it’s Captain Explosion.” Antoinette laughed and then put her hands up. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. That was rude. I just didn’t expect this.” “That’s why I try to keep my identity a secret.” The resulting silence was filled with the two adults drinking from their glass. Antoinette put hers down to ask, “Do you go out at night and fight crime?” Jacoby made a face. She wasn’t getting it. “No, not really.” Antoinette stared at him for a couple of seconds, and he could feel the doubt pouring out of every pore. “Let me see it.” “Here?” “Yeah, do it.” Jacoby looked around. “Nah, I don’t want to.” Antoinette’s face turned a shade of red, and suddenly she was talking with her hands. “So you’re fucking lying to me? You’re a fucking liar?” “No!” Jacoby said, his eyes pleading as he continued. “I’m not lying to you; I just don’t want to.” “Well, you’re going to!” Antoinette stood up, walked over to a large Italian man two tables over, and shouted, “The guy I’m with over there said he banged your wife!” “He fucked Judy?” The convenient stereotype leaped to his feet, and before Jacoby could plead his case, both he and the chair were on the floor. Antoinette was already halfway to the door when she collided with a waiter, projecting pasta and her pride all over the floor. Tears were forming, but screaming felt better, and she let one out before making her exit. “Worst blind date ever!” Jacoby let the embarrassment wash over and pass before picking himself up. He sat back in his chair, still dazed when the owner of the restaurant came over. “Your girlfriend stormed out of here and broke some dishes. I gotta charge you.” He handed him the bill. “Fuck me!” Jacoby threw a wine glass against the wall, causing an explosion. Instantly the glass reappeared on the table. Jacoby handed him a credit card, and the owner did a double-take. “Hey, wait a second! Aren’t you, Captain Explosion?!” Jacoby perked up. Perhaps the night wasn’t a complete waste. “Yeah, that’s me.” “We don’t take Discover.