text: Desperate Remedies By Erika Sams After a week on a meditation retreat in the middle of nowhere Josephine had decided the Zen life was bullshit. Behind the smiles and high-pitched whispers of welcome was a rage barely contained with deep breathing and overdosing on lavender tea. Fuck, that tea was delicious though. Either way, she knew all these lost souls were one misfortune away from snapping. How was she so sure? Because the yoga instructor was dead in her trunk. In Josephine’s defense, she was feeling much better! The smell of lavender from the tea she drowned her instructor in was giving her a wonderful calm. An anxious person would have hurried to dump the body somewhere, but Josephine found herself pulling into the Home Depot parking lot. She didn’t even lock her car when she went into the store. Only an anxious person would worry about that. She knew no one would think to look into the trunk of a 2006 Ford Focus in the middle of a Home Depot parking lot on a Tuesday afternoon. Grabbing one of their long-bedded carts Josephine wandered to the garden center in search of that purple flower that was the answer to all her problems. Spotting what she needed, she buried her face into her new favorite flower and inhaled deeply like a crackhead taking their first line of cocaine. One by one she put every single lavender plant they had onto her cart and realized it would not be enough. For the first time since murdering her instructor Josephine grew desperate; she needed more! She made her way to the check out and before she could say anything the associate said, “Someone is getting their lavender on this year.” The rounded woman in an apron had a lighthearted attitude, but Josephine was not feeling lighthearted. “Well, I am trying to, but this is all I’m seeing. Do you have some more in the back?” she was unaware of how her eyes were bulging from her head as she said this. The associate began to fidget anxiously, “Sorry miss, everything we have is now on your cart.” “This isn’t enough, I need more!” “I--uh--” the associate stuttered, “I can order more for you. Set it up for delivery if you like! Let me see how fast I can get them to you, how many would you like?” Josephine thought for a minute, “Lets start with 500.” The associate looked at her for a moment thinking she was joking, “Uh...” typing into the computer she continued, “I hear this stuff is a miracle worker for stress.” “It is, now where are we on the 500?” Realizing Josephine was not calm, the associate went quickly to work, quoted her the price, and to her surprise Josephine paid for that order and the lavender on her cart without hesitation. “The 500 you ordered will get to you on Thursday. Our driver will give you a call when they are on the way.” Feeling calm again, Josephine thanked the associate, loaded the lavender she found in her car, cranked her music, rolled down her windows, and was finally headed home. Josephine lived in a gorgeous Victorian home on 24 acres of land she had inherited from her grandmother who died last year. It was a beautiful home, but empty and lonely. The same week her grandmother died she walked in on her boyfriend of two years fucking her best friend since kindergarten. Josephine fell into a deep depression, but her inheritance supported her newfound alcoholism. Locked away in self-isolation with only the ghosts that came out when she was drunk to haunt her. Eventually the cycle of alcohol and cake delivered to her front door by a delivery service while she sat in her pajamas having not showered in weeks, no longer served her. She was ready to move on. That is how she found herself at the retreat and is now driving home with a car full of lavender and a yoga instructor in her trunk. An anxious person would go as far away from their house as they could to bury the body, but someone who just found the magic of lavender, or perhaps just lost all their fucks, grabs a shovel, and starts to dig right behind the house. Six feed down is deep, they use machines to do that. Josephine digs about three feet down and is able to drag her instructor into the hole. Thankfully yoga instructors are always so tiny, she looked even smaller laying pale and lifeless in the dirt. As Josephine looked down from outside the makeshift grave, she found herself in a meditative state. Ironic, isn’t it? She thought. When the body was buried, she pulled out her lavender flowers and began to plant them side by side, first over the body, then continuing as far out as she could go until she had used up most of the bulbs. Satisfied for now, she took the lavender she had set aside into the house, some to hang upside down to dry for tea later, and the rest was laid into a bath with salts. Lighting candles, she sank beneath the water and coming back up breathed in the beautiful smell. For the first time in a year, she found quiet, and calm without alcohol, and all the demons that haunted her were silenced. An ick hit her nostrils and suddenly she needed lavender candles. She found what she needed on amazon which would arrive first thing in the morning. As desperate as she was, she was also tired and satisfied for now. Closing her eyes, she let herself fall to sleep in the lavender waters. Over the next few days Josephine’s garden grew 10 times the size it was the first day. Hundreds of lavender candles were delivered, and candlesticks she pressed lavender to before placing them all over her home. Lavender hung from her kitchen ceiling in bulks and was pressed between pages of books. The smell gave Josephine a calm, moving gracefully throughout the house taking in the flower and adding more. On Saturday she sat at the table sipping lavender tea when the sound of tires on gravel caught her attention. Moving to the window, she sees a black SUV pulling up to her front door. A man wearing a black suit with blackout shades exits the vehicle and buttons his suit in the front. He looks just like a detective out of one of those crime shows, she thought. The man came to the front door and knocked. Josephine was anxious as she set her tea down with a trembling hand, took a deep breath, and opened the front door with a welcoming smile, “Can I help you?” “Josephine Phillips?” the detective asked, revealing a badge. “That’s me.” “My name is Detective Branton, I was wondering if I could ask you a couple of questions?” “Absolutely,” Josephine said opening the door and gesturing the detective in, “I was just enjoying a cup of tea, would you like any?” “That’s very kind of you miss,” he accepted following her to the kitchen. The smell of lavender was overwhelming as he looked around seeing the candles and dried plant hanging all over the ceiling. Josephine heated up a bit of water dropping her lavender into the water and in the same motion she also poured a few drops of cyanide. She returned to the table with a sweet smile, offering the tea to the detective. He thanked her and took a sip, “Wow, that is delicious!” “You’re too kind,” Josephine feigned a blush, “now, what can I do for you, detective?” Detective Branton took another sip of his tea, “One of the instructors from a yoga retreat you just went to has been reported missing. No one has heard from her in five days. We are interviewing everyone who attended the retreat to make sure she is okay. Her family states this is unlike her.” The detective pauses to clear his throat looking rather pale. “Are you alright detective?” she asked with the gentleness of a saint on Sunday. “May I use your restroom?” the detective asked. “Yes, of course--” she gestured towards the bathroom and the detective slowly rose, then began to fall sideways into the floor. Josephine took another sip of her tea, enjoying the peace and quiet of the room. After a moment her eye caught the detective’s hand which had fallen to the floor beside him and a panic button, she was sure had already been pushed. Sighing, she brought her teacup back up to her lips, “Well that’s inconvenient,” she said aloud and took a sip. Once she was done with her cup of tea she washed it in the sink along with the detective’s cup. Shame he hadn’t been able to finish it, she thought. She felt some anxiety begin to creep into her, so she pulled out her phone and ordered some lavender soaps, more flowers, and candles to be delivered the next morning. Josephine drug the detective’s body into the middle of her large living room, laying him out on his back and folding his arms across his chest. Going outside, she picked some lavender from her garden and placed the bouquet in his hands. How peaceful he looked to her. With no hurry she walked throughout every room lighting her lavender candles which had already been placed. Once every room had candles going, she removed all the dried lavender from her kitchen and placed it into a circle like a ritual. Every spare candle she had was placed throughout the living room, on every piece of furniture, around the detective’s body, around the circle of dried lavender. It felt like a scene from one of those vampire movies which made her feel dangerous and powerful. Perhaps she was about to elevate. By the time she was satisfied the sun had set and the candles provided her only light. Sitting in the middle of the lavender circle, she entered a meditation pose, inhaling the lavender deeply, the detective’s body lay in front of her. The low rumble of helicopters could be heard in the distance, and gravel began to crack under the tires of countless vehicles pulling into her driveway. “They are coming for you, detective,” she said, “but don’t worry, they won’t be able to reach us.” Inhaling deeply, Josephine took one of the candlesticks and lit the dried lavender that surrounded her. Fire spread around her quickly engulfing the dry lavender. Fire began to escape the precariously laid candles around her and within moments the entire room was on fire, the flames spreading quickly throughout the entire house. Before the S.W.A.T. team could even break through the door, the entire mansion was engulfed in flames. Josephine’s circle enclosed around her, and her clothes caught fire, spreading quickly to her hair and skin. As though waking from a trance Josephine began to panic and scream in painful anguish. Jumping from where she had surrendered herself, she ran through the house covered in flames, her skin crumbling to black like a burned marshmallow. She ran out her back door and through her lavender garden, the flames that encapsulated her spreading to her garden of lavender. Falling to the ground in her garden Josephine gasped for air but only inhaled smoke. As officers called for fire trucks and tried to contain what they could, Josephine took her last breath in her garden of lavender.