text: I am going to have a long and nice shower. I will have a smoke first. I really like to roll my own cigarettes. I make them very thin and pleasurable to smoke. Although they are shorter, I feel like I enjoy them for the exact perfect amount of minutes. Normally I like to roll from the right side. I dont know if that is unsual, its just the way I learned. I smoke for 6 minutes. Its almost like doing meditation breathing exercises. Maybe that is where the addiction comes from. It was already Tuesday. I know that because I woke up with a little bit of anxiety. How can something good bring me anxiety? Well, I know. All the good things bring me anxiety because I am afraid of losing them. The anxiety is the fear. The fear of being excited and something ruining it. Something will go wrong - I think to myself. And with my partner, to be fair, it has. Its almost a self fulfilling prophecy. Why wouldnt I be afraid? For the good or the bad, something is never right. Anyway... Its Tuesday so its movie night. I've already picked the movie. This time there is no dinner before. Just lazy popcorn and some cuddles. Its always so good! Well, not always always. Sometimes something does go wrong. Or something is not enterily right. One of both options. We always agree on the movie we are going to watch. Mainly because Ollie accepts all my recommendations. Sometimes I wonder if Ollie is really watching the movie. Sometimes I know a good scene is about to come and I decide to look at Ollie with the corner of my eye. I wonder if their reaction will be similiar to mine. Normally its quite neutral. I dont really mind. Ollie likes to listen a lot. I love to talk. My mother used to say to always be with someone who is a good listener. She used to say that I should also chose someone that loves me more than I love that person. I dont believe in that anymore. I know that loving someone so deeply can be very painful. But choosing someone you dont love that much, is also very daunting. Ollie is usually late, so although we scheduled for 8pm, I know I will have to distract myself until 8.30 at least. Its okay, Ollie is not type of person to carry a watch. Ollie is not very aware of time and space. I like that. I truly do. At 7.30 my anxiety will get worse. Maybe I should go for a long and nice shower only at that time. I still have 2 hours to wait. Wait for the shower time. Then, wait for Ollie. Its a lot of waiting in my brain. Ollie doesnt think about waiting. Ollie is not waiting for me. That mind is always too distracted, or, actually, too focused, to ever wait. Its a funny thing. "I think of you all the time", I wonder if I should believe. I had a tofu salad for lunch. Or breakfast, actually. I guess I learned that with Ollie. I dont really have a routine with meals anymore. There is no "breakfast food" or "dinner food". I can eat anything at any time. Cereals for dinner or a vegan roast for breakfast. Its funny this about time. Its supposed to be a measure. Like how much do we weight. Its a measure of how much life do we have. Or how much life we do not have. The measurement is quite psychological. What if someone died on their 30s? Oh no, what a tragedy. They had so little time! But if I am here waiting for 3 hours for Ollie to come, isnt it that a tragedy as well? So time is just a measure like any other. It shouldn't be taken that seriously. What if we lived in a world where people didnt need to schedule an hour to appear? Exactly like what I do with my breakfast. My breakfast is when I feel like having a breakfast. So: what if Ollie only appears when he feels like it? We could schedule a day. But not a time. Tuesday is the day. What time? Whenever you want. There is no such thing as time anymore. Perhaps my anxiety would not exist. Why would I know that I would be more anxious at 7.30? I wouldnt even know that Ollie is late. There is no such thing as being late. I dont wait for Ollie because he asked me to wait. I do it to myself. I do it because time exists. "I think of you all the time" he says. Well at least I wouldnt have to decide if that statement is true or not. Because time doesnt exist here. Instead it would be: "I think about you". In that I could believe. "all the time" seems a bit too much. Although, I do that. Because time still exists. And because I am here waiting. Im going to tell Ollie that I had a salad for lunch. I know he loves to eat salads. I think he is going to be happy with that. What did he had for lunch? I am going to have a shower now. Probably Ollie didn't eat a salad today. If we had lunch together I would've made him a salad because I know he likes it. I would've said that I have a surprise for him. Just for fun. My mother used to do that a lot. Whenever she said she had a surprise I could almost guess what it was. I would always pretend and be surprised anyway, but 99% of the times I already knew what it was. So maybe salad should be my surprise to Ollie. I can make a salad now for him. I think he would like that. Or maybe its stupid. We are going to have popcorn. I hope he is in a good mood today. I will receive him with a smile and a kiss and wait for his reaction. Normally he kisses me back. Sometimes he hugs me. I love the hugs. I dont tell him that because I dont want to lose the hugs. I hope today is a hug day. Im going to say that I had a busy day. I had to work a lot and take care of other errands. I cannot tell him that I was waiting for him. No, no. I will tell him that I had to do something so important that I didnt even notice that he was late. Actually I cannot say that. If I say that it will mean that I noticed that he was late. Because actually, Ollie is the one that doesn't notice it. He wouldn't know that he arrived later. I already know that. Im guessing he will be here around 8.30. Maybe 8.45 just to ease my mind. He will stop whatever he is doing around 8, which is the time he is meant to be here. Then he will go for a smoke. His cigarettes are different than mine. Ollie was the one who taught me how to roll. His cigarettes are bigger and they take longer to smoke. I've counted and its 10 to 12 minutes. So after he goes for his meditation breathing exercise for 10 to 12 minutes, he will start is journey at around 8.15. Already 15min late. But its okay. I dont mind. I already know. I already prepared my mind for it. At 8.20 I will casually message him saying something like: let me know when you are on your way! In truethness, all I want to know is if my predictions are correct. If they are not, then it will not be 8.45. It will be 9. So I have 40 more minutes to wait. If Ollie replies "ok" it means that he is still not on is way here. I can distract myself by starting to make the popcorn for us. Oh but I love the way he does the popcorn. Should I wait? My mind was already so far away. Silly me. Its still 5pm. I am going for that shower now.