text: We sat atop a hill chewing on rations, for that was all we could do with the days so hot and the rations so stale. We were supposed to be relieved three days ago, but the roads have been blocked off by the Opposition, and the land stripped by foraging and bombing. There’s no chance of anyone coming to relieve us for the rest of the week either, it’s a national holiday, and even though the Party abolished such things, they haven’t yet educated the people against it, so now it’s like paid time off but with a much higher chance of getting shot. My friend and I are, officially, patrolling the west side of the mountain to defend against an Opposition invasion, but only shepherds and their herds frequent the area, so we pass the time by counting sheep through our rifle scopes as they scurry across the rocky trails. No shepherds or sheep today though, so we’ve spent the afternoon watching two clouds slowly drift across the horizon. I break the lethargic afternoon silence by biting into my three-day old bread. The crack of its calcified crust deadens the portending cry of the morning dove. “That sounded like it hurt,” my friend quips under his drooping beret. “Definitely wasn’t the sound I was hoping to hear yea,” I laugh in return. I toss the hunk off the mountain, watching it fall until it disappears in the mist below. Propping myself on my elbows I stare at my friend lying peacefully beside me. I chuckle at our fortune, two shepherds who joined the War for adventure and excitement end up back where we started, sleeping on a mountain. War never works out the way you planned. A quiet sigh emerges from my friend’s pursed and I hesitate to ask the question that has weighed on my mind since we joined all those months ago. “Hey Erruki?” “Yea?” I turn back to the clouds, their effortless company mirroring ours, “What’re your plans? You know, after the war.” “Stay with the Party,” he replies simply. “I see...” He lifts his beret, “what about you?” “Oh... I don’t know. Maybe start my own farm somewhere.” I blush at the aloofness of my answer. Exposing myself so openly to my friend has never been easy for me, especially when sharing my most desperate dream. “Oh yea?” he answers casually, “not with the Party?” I ignore the slight edge in his voice, he’s probably annoyed at being woken up. I should apologize. “Sorry for uh, waking you,” I blush again, “we can talk about this later, if you want.” “No, no. I’m awake.” He pushes himself up and sits cross-legged across from me placing his rifle in his lap, his eyes narrowing into mine. “Why don’t you want to stay with the Party?” He asks again. I can’t meet his burrowing gaze, “It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just... I wanna do my own thing, you know? I wanna live my life, build my own home... start a family?” Words I had to force through clenched teeth and burning cheeks. A lifetime spent together, and I uttered those hopeful words so unceremoniously atop an empty mountain. I’ll be kicking myself about this for years to come. Unless... ? “Hmm,” he muses, “don’t you think the Party could help you though? We have programs for farming, housing and marriage. Why do you feel the desire to do it on your own?” He, didn’t answer. Maybe, maybe, he didn’t realize the question was directed at him. “No, I wanna do it on my own,” I assert again, “with... with someone special to me. The Party has given us the opportunity to be independent, and we should capitalize on it.” “Capitalize?” He sneers. My guilt ignites what remains of my face. I desperately try to dissipate the growing tension, “That’s not what I mean! This is what I wanted from the beginning, before I even joined the Party!” Despite my earnestness I remain unable to meet his frenzied gaze. The renewed silence between us is bereft of its previous ease. “I joined the Party because I wanted to make a difference, to live a better life.” I admit softly. “I joined the Party to crush the Opposition, as we all did, as we all PLEDGED to do. I joined to win this War for the Party!” “And what will you do when the War ends, Erruki? What will happen to the Party when the War ends? What will, we, do?” “The Party will last forever,” he recites without hesitation, “what to happen to the Opposition, or to you, is not my concern.” His razored words destroy my hopeful dreams and I rise to my feet with tears streaming down my face. “Not your concern? I’m, not your concern?” “I joined the Party, and this insufferable War to make a difference, to give people a chance of a better life, to be happy for Christ’s sake! But I also joined for you. I joined so I wouldn’t have to be apart from you, and for the hope, the stupid, desperate hope that maybe, MAYBE after all this is over, you and I could go back to the way things were, just you and I... together.” “Things will never go back to the way things were. So long as the Opposition exists, the War will continue.” “The Opposition aren’t intangible ideologies Erruki they’re living people, and regardless of how much you or I or the Party disagrees with them, they have just as much of a right to exist as we do, and I will fight for their right to exist just as much as I fight for ours!” His arms clench around his rifle, “If you are not for the Party, you are against it, and to be against it...” “... is death.” I finish solemnly. He grips his rifle. I watch the two clouds vanish into the blue sky. “I know our Party’s policy, and if wanting peace, if wanting happiness, if wanting you makes me an enemy...,” I turn back to my childhood friend, “then you’ll have to kill me.” And so he did.