text: Every day I wake up and walk to my pantry only to see that something is missing. It has turned into a ritual for me to go to the store every day to get a bag of Doritos but even that doesn't help. The only place I can devour my Doritos safely is when I'm outside of the store or in my car at the parking lot. Those damned wendigos have no moral compass whatsoever. I even leave a bag for them outside with dip on the side but they ignore it and raid my pantry every night. I hear them rumble through my bags and every time I try to catch them in the act, the racket stops and my pantry is nothing but a mess of crumbs. So, I've devised the perfect plan to inhibit the wrath of these demonic creatures. Firstly, I found the skull of an Indian and hung it on the door at the front of my house as if it were a wreath. Secondly, I've placed torches all around my house. It may sound dangerous but I assure you that it is necessary for this operation. Lastly, I've rigged my speakers to play the song "Push it to the Limit" on loop as soon as the pantry door is opened. I've tried contacting Scarface himself to hide inside my pantry but I still haven't gotten a reply yet. Hopefully, he responds soon. I've also placed French Onion dip at all of my entrances and window seals around my house. If all of my preparations fail, may God have mercy on my soul. I sit down in my chair as I wait for night-time to arrive. I sit rocking back in forth with a shotgun in hand loaded with incendiary rounds. I begin to nod off and just as I feel myself succumbing to sleep. I feel a presence. Without warning a sharp shot of wind pushes towards me and the French Onion dip I'd purchased from Walmart at $3.79 or $3.92 with tax is smeared across the ground. I hear my bags of chips rumble and crumble as it hits the ground. I hear the wendigos viciously devour my food voraciously. I hear the music playing as I see the wendigo's shadows as the torches illuminate their bodies. "Push it to the limit," I fire off a shot at the wendigo and it takes to cover behind my kitchen counter I run towards them and I feel a sharp pain arise at the base of my foot. "Walk along the razor's edge," I look down at my foot and see blood pouring out as the torches light reveals a razor I'd dropped earlier in the morning inside of my foot. "But don't look down just keep your head, or you'll be finished," The wendigo charges at me as I duck and aim my gun at hit's chest and with a shot ringing out, it falls to the ground with a bag of Doritos still in its grasp. "Open up the limit," the wendigo lays on the ground and busts open the bag of Doritos as chips fly everywhere as the second one continues to rampage my pantry. "Past the point of no return," I shoot out another shout and it misses narrowly and knocks over the torch that had been placed on the kitchen counter and falls unto the wendigo. "You've reached the top, but still you gotta learn how to keep it," The wendigo lays in the fire while holding all of the Doritos I'd bought from Walmart for $500 fucking dollars. "Hit the wheel and double the stakes," The wendigo begins screeching, it sounds like a woman as it cries out in agony. "Throttle wide open like a bat out of hell," The wendigo's both leave the Doritos to burn to a crisp as they run out of my house. "You could crash the gates (crash the gates)," They hit my wooden fence and it catches flames as they tear it apart, I fire off another shot at them and they scurry away back into the woods. The song continues playing as my house burns from the inside out. "Going for the back of beyond," "Nothing's gonna stop you, there's nothing that's gone" "So close now you're nearly at the brink," "So puuuuuush it. Ooh yeah!...." The audio begins getting distorted and the Indian skull that had been hung on my door and rolls over to me. I pick it up and throw it into the house as I call my fire department to come. I get a message from scarface just as my housefire finishes getting put out. "I'm in," it reads as my phone is knocked out of my hand and cuffs are put on. I ended up getting arrested for insurance fraud and arson along with 3rd-degree murder because of the skull they found in the fire. Fucking Wendigos.