text: Chapter Four: Past Salem; 23, La Jolla “Jimmy, Damien said that he found someone close to us to hijack dad's plane. He said he didn’t have to pay them, they wanted to do it.” I say as I dress behind a curtain in the hospital triage. Jimmy doesn’t say anything for long moments and I can see him thinking about what I just said. When he does speak his words break my heart, “Salem, please don’t believe anything that maniac said. He was saying ANYTHING to hurt you.” I look at Jimmy, his skin just as flawless as it has been my whole life, he looks wrecked from the havoc going on in our lives. His normally happy eyes are downcast and sad. I felt bad that this was having such a bad effect on Jimmy. He looked more tortured about what had happened with Damien than he did after the plane crash. “He wasn’t lying!” I still reject his denial. “I could tell when Damien lied, his left eye twitches.” I say before correcting myself, I mean twitched. “Damien was crazy and confused, but he wasn’t a liar.” Jimmy is , the thought was random but I knew it was true. Jimmy and Jordan had lied to me plenty of times, they seemed to think if it was protecting me. Now I was left with Jimmy, who is a coward and obviously hiding something that he doesn’t want me to investigate. “Honey.” Jimmy starts, “How about we let Jordan rest in peace. In the end, he was doing what he loved most. It was the Lord’s plan for Jordan to impact fashion, impact the world. For a white man, Jordan was culture!” Tears began falling and he sniffled. “Honey, I don’t want to give the media anymore t ruths to exploit and mix with lies. There’s no eyewitnesses to give a true story, there’s nothing to find there.” But there was, the person who hijacked the plane lived, right? I wondered if Jordan’s cameras on the plane recorded to the JET cloud. Jimmy stands rubbing my arms, his expression sympathetic. “Salem I’m going to fly out the day after tomorrow. Whenever you’re ready to move on and not talk about Jordan’s unfortunate, tragic fate.” He starts sobbing, “This is why I cannot. His passing is my worst nightmare, the worst day of my life. I don’t want to keep talking about it.” His voice was cracking as he sobbed. I could understand why constantly bringing up the past could hurt. Then it hit me, Jimmy didn’t want to know the truth. There was something else going on that Jimmy didn’t want the world to know. I would definitely investigate, privately. I could never forgive the fuckers who did this or forgive Damien unless there was justice. “Retribution isn’t the answer.” Jimmy says as if he can read my thoughts. I didn’t respond because running and hiding wasn’t the answer either. Damien is dead. I would never be able to have him sent to prison, he wasn’t coming back. The hijacker however, was out there. If the Marine patrol was right then someone had a speed boat waiting and ended up driving Jordan to the island, hoping to save him, after attempting to kill him. Why? There was so much more that I needed to know. I decided then that after I found a new place to live not here in California or Oregon I would investigate Jordan’s death myself. “Salem I will get a room ready for you at home. Just come back to Oregon and let’s move on.” Grabbing and squeezing Jimmy’s hand looking at his blank brown eyes. I know it’s probably hard for him to look at me with the giant gash on the left side of my head from Damien hitting me with the end of a cane. I’m sure my black eyes and swollen cheek don’t make it easier. If I was honest with myself I could admit it was hard for me to look Jimmy in the eye. He betrayed me on what felt like the ultimate stage. Did I need to know at that moment that they lied to me my entire life? The real question was, why? Why adamantly tell me that I was adopted and that my parents just didn’t want to raise a baby? I winced in pain as I stretched my bandaged feet. They and my ankles are cut and still kind of bleeding from the glass I ran through while trying to escape. I should’ve ran to a car instead of stupidly freaking out after seeing the system was broken. There were two sets of keys hanging right next to the security pad. I had two cars there waiting and yet I didn’t go to either. Tears pricked my eyes as my mind wandered back to my home. I remembered the way my thighs quivered as I begged Damien to stop eating me, or fucking me each time he looked at me with a hungry glint in his eyes. He had the same glint in my sex room tonight. I am ashamed that I came each time his mouth ravaged my sensitive flesh. Unabashed shame flooded me when I thought about the way my traderous body spasmed from him eating me. He would do all the things he knew I loved and take my body while I cried through it all, wishing I’d never met him. It was my deepest secret that I would never tell. I orgasmed while being raped. I can’t let Ray love me the way he wanted to. I am so fucked up. I’m a selfish bitch though, I can’t let him go either. I want Ray to love me always. I need his unconditional love. I need to know that he is still mine and I am his. Ray knew abmy time in New York. From all the conversations I had with Jordan he never mentioned me being raped. He also never mentioned the partying. Jordan would’ve lost his mind if he knew about the drugs and the partying. About the night I slept in the art studio because I didn’t know how to tell Diane I didn’t want to go home. For some reason I could tell that Ray knew most of it. Atleast everything that I had told Juan. Jimmy squeezed my hand, bringing me back to the present. “Salem, you may need to stay the night at the hospital. You seem out of it.” He looked concerned so I gave him a small smile. I needed to shut Jimmy out. He was only going to slow me down from finding Jordan’s killer. I needed justice and answers. My phone buzzed an unknown number and I silenced it. They’ll leave a message if it’s important. Wincing as I stand on my aching feet. I pull Jimmy into a tight hug, “I love you Jimmy. I am going to miss you so much.” I pulled away from him seeing the disappointment in his expression and I continue breaking his heart, “I am going to pass on going back to Oregon. I can’t go back there knowing that dad is not there.” Tears begin falling from my eyes as my truth rips the barely hanging bandage from both of our hearts. I loved my dad so much. “I know you’ve always been the one guiding me out of the storms, but this time I’m going to find my own way. Who knows I might actually play in the rain a little?” I chuckled as tears kept falling down my cheeks. Jimmy nods, “Okay my dear.” He wipes his tears, turning to grab his Gucci duffle bag. “I love you still, so please at least send a text from time to time. Okay?” I nod unable to speak. This feels like the band is breaking up and I don’t understand why. Jimmy is still my father, so why does it feel like I won’t see him again?