text: I walked outside into the bitter cold, slowly stripping off all of my clothes. I didn't look back or even care about the things going on behind me, I just looked ahead at the freezing water. My bare skin was being bitten by the cold, when I slowly pulled out a cigarette and lit it. Flicking it away after a few puffs, I took a deep breath and jumped into the pool, hoping to be free from the pain inside my chest. In the house behind me they talked and danced, oblivious to my suicide attempt. A girl, much younger and wiser then me, sat regretting the things she did with my heart and wishing that she had never gone so far. Meanwhile her friend had snuck into the upstairs bedroom with her boyfriend, hoping to share an intimacy that I would never have again. All the while I'm dying, and there is no one there to save me. Deep down I want to be saved or at least have someone tell me it's going to be alright. The cold and darkness consumed me. I felt the warm embers of the fire that kept me going slowly die out. The silence was oddly beautiful. In that moment all my worries and cares seemed so far away. Looking at them, I saw that they were almost laughable. It had been my fault after all. I should have known better than to believe the lies she constructed. Should have known that her love for me was none existent. Should have known I was just her new thrill. A toy so lightly cast aside. But love will do that to you. Love will blind you and you'll be happy about it. Happy and vulnerable. So when the knife that blinded you suddenly plunges into your heart, and you stare out into the heavens and cry out "Why?" you have no one to blame but yourself. I allowed this to happen. Maybe because I had the delusion I could be happy. Maybe because I was tired of being alone. The reason doesn't matter, because I let it happen. My body had gone numb and the cold no longer caused me great pain. The only pain I could feel was deep within my tormented soul. Memories. They came in as flashes. Flirtation. A gentle touch. A kiss. A bedroom. An endlessly continuing cycle. That was until I tried to break it. A confession of love. Rejection. Pain. This place. Me stripping. Me jumping. Me dying. That's when I heard the people above. Someone was screaming, others were yelling. I then felt arms pulling me up. I suddenly felt very sad. I knew that I'd have to go back to this cruel world. But as I lay on the cold concrete, hearing a couple talk about how they saw me from the upstairs window and the sound of approaching sirens, I saw her. There was no love in those eyes. Only regret. She regretted me. Good. I sure as Hell did. As the ambulance drove me to the hospital, this thought swam around my brain. Why her? What made her so special? The answer came flooding in. She made me feel special. Not anymore. I felt myself tearing up, and closed my eyes. I just hoped that the next year would be better than this one.