text: It was our first journey in the Time Machine. My companion Susan was at the helm. "Doctor, are we ready to travel back in time?" "Yes, Susan. How are the biometrics?" "They are 100%." "Good. Hit the GO button." "Roger." Susan hit the GO button and we began moving back in time. I watched as the 2000s, the 1990s, and the 1980s went by. You could see the silhouettes of history and they were beautiful. "Stop the machine, Susan. I want to witness the Moon Landing." Susan stopped the machine and veered the craft towards the moon. There we saw the astronauts loping around the moon. We rolled down the window and laughed at them. "We have a time machine!" Then we rocketed back to Earth to see what chips tasted like with trans fats. *The Assassination of JFK* "Susan, we have arrived in Dallas. It is ten minutes until the assassination. We must act fast." "Right, doctor. Do you have your gun?" "Yes. Did you bring the soda and crackers?" "No, doctor. I forgot." I looked at Susan. "Then the President gets killed. Are you happy? Get in the fucking Time Machine, you twit! We're going back." *Ewoks* Susan and I had decided it was time to travel to one of the most famous times of all time: a long, long time ago. The problem was the galaxy far away part. We had all the coordinates of far away galaxies, but there were just too many. So, when we got there, we just called the indigenous swamp creatures Ewoks. Though, they could not sing and dance, they did serve us food. But the joke was on us. It was Endor and the food was actually Ewoks. We all had a good laugh. *The Revolutionary War* We were back in time once again. It was Susan, my long time companion, and I. We had been dating for several years, but I never took it any farther. I feel that Susan and I do not need a state's blessing to live our lives together. She disagrees. She thinks that it is a covenant between man and woman and that maybe it will curb my "Philandering". This got me angry and I told her so. Oh, and the Revolutionary War was going on all around us. It was really embarrassing. *The Future is Yours* "Susan, how are the biometrics?" "100%." "Good. We are going to the future. There is going to be tons of neon, put these glasses on." Susan put the glasses on and I hit the FUTURE button. *Deadly Swamp Things* Susan and I arrived in a lost time. It was a patch of murky soil within a swamp. We stepped out of the time machine. "Susan, do you see that swamp creature!" I yelled. "Yes, Dr. Haverly. We must get back inside." "Wait!" I said. "It could be sentient. Susan, just because something is ugly, does not mean it is not intelligent. Swamp Thing!?" "Yes?" The swamp thing asked. It looked like a magnificent spider with long octopus tentacles. "You look like a spider with octopus tentacles - did you know that?" The Swamp Thing just kinda nodded and pulled out a giant swamp joint. "See, Susan. He's just a laid back guy." That's when the Swamp Thing slapped Susan. *Time Wars!* My assistant, Susan, and I were once again traveling through time. She was a worthy assistant and helped me to no end in my ventures. "Susan, how are the biometrics?" "They are 100%." "Excellent. I think we will be at our destination soon." We were travelling to Christ-time. "It will be wonderful to see Jesus in real life." "Yes." I confirmed. But I was a little worried. The micro processors were giving me some bad readings. I took a look and realized we were headed for trouble. "Susan, there's a Time War up ahead!" "What's a Time War?" Susan asked. "It's when many time travelers travel to the same date at the same time. This could get hairy." I handed her a razor. *Biometrics* "Susan, what are our biometrics?" "They are 100%." "Good. Can you get me a reading on the time weather we will be passing through on the way to the 1920s?" "The weather is good. There are a series of time storms that have just passed through the 1930s, so we are OK." "Glad we're not going to the 1950s." I said jokingly. "Start the time engines." Susan started the time engines and we headed off to travel in time. I boned her on the way. *Susan* "Susan, how are the biometrics?" "Not good." "What's wrong?" "I'm not sure. They are claiming that you have VD." "But, how?" "You tell me. Or - wait, let's go back in time and see what you were doing when I had the flu for a week back in 2013." "We could do that. Or we could kill Hitler. Which will it be?" "You do this every time. We've killed him hundreds of times." "So, you're more important than 8 million people? Is that it?" "Currently, he's dead." "Not fifteen minutes before the last time we killed him." "But it doesn't matter." "Of course it does - you brought it up." "I..but..I did?" I do this to Susan every time she brings up the VD. *The Twenties* We stepped outside of the time machine and I pulled my gun. The 1920s are notorious for crime in America and I was pretty sure we were in America. "Hey, are we in America?" I asked a stranger. He said nothing. Apparently dogs cannot talk in the 1920s like they can in the 3040s. But you can still have sex with them. *The Land That Time Forgot* After hitting the time machine button the machine began emitting a large electrical current around itself and we were whisked away. I had forgotten to enter in a date to go to, so it sent us to the default year 9999. We stepped outside the machine and found an Earth that was unrecognizable. It had two suns and three moons. And six penises. Man. Time totally forgot about that Earth. *Dinosaur Disaster* We arrived in dinosaur times. We looked around and saw dinosaurs. This confirmed: Dinosaur Times. Our first dinosaur seemed to be a sort of giant crocodile that watched us from afar. We immediately shot it.