text: Rule #1: The microphone records everything you say, so don’t say much. For example, don’t say, “People will die.” Instead, say, “It is possible that war will be declared.” (The passive voice is best.) Don’t say, “Everyone must suffer for this;” say, “The stock market is expected to dive.” (Be careful not to say by how much; see Rule 11.) Rule #2: Don’t start talking about personal details that aren’t worth their own story, such as: “An author has written that the war is the idea of a crazed tyrant, and he hasn’t posted anything since, and people are wondering what happened to him.” This is too specific and takes attention away from the bigger picture. Rule #3: Do not say “I” when stating an opinion, a wish, or a hope. “I hope that author survives the night” is cardinally unacceptable. You may, however, say, “We hope that author survives ...” because “we” is not identifiable. Rule #4: You must not decide what you say and what you don’t. It has been decreed by powers above you that if you do not begin by apologizing for this morning when you gave the incorrect pronunciation of the committee chairman’s name, the institution of broadcasting will fall and you will be the primary cause. Read what is given to you. Read it word-for-word. Make no substitutions. Make no insinuations. Make no art and no subtlety. Read what is on the page. Read only that. When time is limited, cut only something of marginal importance. Rule #5: When choosing what to cut, start with the past and end with the present. Never cut the future. If your speech is twenty minutes and should be ten, cut the historical background first. “We signed an agreement and promised to protect them” is extraneous information. If your speech is still too long, cut the present next. “Women have taken up arms to protect themselves” is not only particularly depressing but is also useless. Above all, however, do not cut the future. “We will be okay!” is encouraging and hasn’t happened yet, and by the time it does (or doesn’t) people will have forgotten you said it. Rule #6: “Personality” is a requirement, and personality will end your career. You will find it challenging to have a personality and no opinions, but you must do it regardless. When you are told to say, “He is doing everything he can to reach a compromise that satisfies both parties,” you must say it cheerfully. Part of you may wonder if what you’re saying is true. Divorce those thoughts immediately. Even if they were true, what could you do about it? Rule #7: Never forget your audience doesn’t care about you. When they state an opinion, they are merely playing along. They are like children stealing pawns from a chessboard because they think they can beat their elders. They think if they speak loudly enough, you will hear them and they will get a finger in the pie. But they don’t really care. Never let yourself think that when they say one thing, they don’t mean the other. If they say, “We want war,” they don’t know what they are talking about, because who in their right mind would want war? The enlisted men and women who thought they were willing to fight are all deceiving themselves, and you wouldn’t want to be responsible for deception! Rule #8: Art is the ultimate enemy. People will make art, and you will ignore it. In fact, if you don’t ignore it, it will likely ignore you, since art is never made about people who listen to it. Rule #9: Do not burden your audience with negative specifics. “War” is both negative and specific; consider “negotiation” instead. “Shortage” is bad, but “surplus” is good. (Don’t hesitate to use the two interchangeably. After all, the net loss to the economy is the same.) “Molotov cocktails made with kitchen chemicals in somebody’s basement” is too reminiscent of the Soviet Union, so instead say, “Civilians have been provided with safety measures.” Rule #10: Laughter is always an answer. “How are you doing today?” Cheerful laugh. “Do you have any comment on the situation?” Scornful laugh. “Will we be sending aid?” Embarrassed laugh (embarrassed for them, whoever was stupid enough to ask that question). “Is there a backup supply of energy for countries that may be affected?” Reassuring laugh. In short, master the art of expressive laughter. Rule #11: Statistics are banned. Statistics are what Orwell’s pigs used to convince a population born and raised without numbers. Your audience has been fed numbers for breakfast from arithmetic to calculus and are now so bewitched that one or two of them might think to pull out a calculator and double-check your math. Instead of numbers, offer quantities. “Much,” “most,” “many,” “the majority,” “some,” “a few,” “outliers,” “a minority,” and “several” are all acceptable. Rule #12: Pictures less expressive than words. A bomb can flatten an entire city, and a photograph of a road sign that still stands is enough to prove that the city was never flattened at all. A picture of yourself and your family will convince an orphan that families still exist, so publish them frequently. Rule #13: Avoid the following unlucky phrases: “Let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear ...” (“Assert” is too strong, while “fear” is too negative.) “Only a few generations have been granted the role of defending freedom ...” (“Generations” will remind the audience that they are not the only people to have ever existed. “Defending freedom” implies that “freedom,” whatever that means, is under attack.) “We’re the brightest beacon for freedom and opportunity ...” (This sounds too much like an invitation for people to come take advantage of our “freedom” and “opportunity.”) Produced by the Committee for Diplomatic Excellence. Errors and contradictions in this style guide may be reported to us. If you cannot find our contact information on our website, or if you cannot find our website, you may simply ask us. If you cannot find us, we don’t want your opinion.