text: Silence Is Golden The waiter asked, “Would you care for more wine, Sir?” He smiled and waited for my response. I nodded and looked around the restaurant. I lifted my wine glass. The waiter took it from me, poured the Riesling into my glass then handed it back to me. I smiled and nodded to imply a thank you. The waiter grinned and left my table. I wiped the bottom of the glass with a napkin and placed it in front of me next to the glass of ice water. I was sitting alone in a room full of people at a restaurant that seemed to be designed for couples. I felt out of place but enjoyed myself, nevertheless. I never had a problem eating or drinking alone. Solitude became something I cherished in a busy day of people asking me questions and wanting this and that. It was nice to have companionship, but I'd become used to sitting and watching people talk, laugh and even cry when they were with someone. Being with someone is usually nice as long as you can manage to keep your individuality. Stored like something in a shoe box hidden under the bed or placed high on shelf in a closet. You could bring it out whenever you want someone to show more pieces of you. Needless to say, I needed a very, very large shoe box. I was trying to get myself back from a mental trip I’ve taken for a year or so. Being with someone that was very needy was exhausting. I never minded helping someone, and probably still would, not hesitate to stop listen and do whatever I can to help somebody I care about. This time was different, though. I was strong enough to take on the situation but not smart enough to realize that it would take more than strength to get where we needed to go. It would take respect and that would have to come from both of us. I did my part. I got tired of waiting for mine to arrive. I felt used, angry, sad and thirsty. I looked at the glass of wine and it was almost gone already. I’ve sipped it without tasting the great taste. I couldn’t seem to taste anything but that bad, bitter taste I had from the relationship that ended a couple of months ago. I looked around to find the waiter but noticed someone entering the restaurant with some guy whom I didn’t recognize. She looked as I remembered. Tall, chestnut-colored hair, slim and elegant. Her shoulders didn’t seem quite as stiff as they once were, however. The weight of the world seemed to be lifted from her. She walked with poise and her feet looked to move across the floor lighter and balanced. Her heels always made her legs and everything above seem very sexy and inviting. Her smile and beautiful brown eyes were the things that captured me some years ago. Her intelligence and integrity held me hostage. Then, her generosity is what set me free to do what I had to do in a place I had to be. Memories flooded my mind like a dam breaking from an anxious river looking for a place to flow. She caught me staring at her and stopped in her path. She didn’t say hello but her eyes gave me the once over and she grinned with approval. I think my mouth was open because my throat felt really dry and the wine glass in my hand was still empty. I placed the glass on the table and leaned back. She and some guy sat at an adjoining table. The man's back was in front of me as she sat across from him. I moved my chair a bit to the right so I could see her beautiful face. She looked incredible but that was merely being normal for her. The waiter finally arrived and filled my glass. When he left, I raised my glass slightly to toast my long-lost love. She grinned from her seat and I took a sip. The guy she was with seemed too busy with his phone to realize she was slipping away. She ordered nachos and some wine also, just as I remembered... she loved white wine. ‘Mr. Cell Phone’ asked for a mixed drink I’d never heard of. It wasn’t long before the waiter returned with their order. She smiled her beautiful smile and thanked the waiter, but her friend said nothing as the waiter placed his drink in front of him. She gave ‘Mr. Rude’ a bad stare but he was too busy messing with his phone to notice or probably care. She sipped her wine and I shook my head. I motioned for the waiter to come over and when he arrived, I asked for some coffee with Baileys Irish Cream. The waiter nodded and walked to the bar in the back. When he came back with my order, ‘Cell Phone Guy’ called for the him. The poor waiter had to listen to the guy complain about his mixed drink having too much ice. I imagined dumping the drink on the guy’s head, but that thought was interrupted when she apologized to the waiter and handed him a twenty-dollar bill. The waiter walked by my table and rolled his eyes. I grinned and overheard the beauty tell ‘Mr. Rude’ that he had better apologize to the waiter or he would soon discover how she deals about rudeness. I heard her also explain that the waiter was not responsible for making drinks and that he shouldn’t have to take any rude behavior. I nodded and kept myself from getting up, walking over to their table and smacking the guy in the back of the head by envisioning the waiter doing that very thing. ‘Rude’ shook his head, shrugged at her suggestion then answered his cell phone on the third ring. She sighed with disgust and looked at me. I slowly shook my head again and sipped my coffee. When the waiter returned to their table with the food, he did not move to make room for the waiter to place their food on the table. Instead, he went to her side and placed the food down staring at the guy. I was hoping the waiter would hit himwith the tray but he didn’t. That made me sad. The thought of shoving the guy’s phone deep down his throat existed when she was ignoring his plea ‘to just listen to him’ after she said she should have just canceled their dinner. I recognized that tone. I remembered her using it when I explained that I had to leave her because to work. I was too busy to enjoy any time with her. The question of why I had to handle so many things at once entered our relationship more than it should. It was never truly answered but the final result proved to be the consequence of it all. I was watching it again and I felt her hurt and anger. I sipped my coffee, listened to her tell ‘Clueless’ to just forget it and watched her stab the food on her plate. The waiter brought another drink to their table. ‘Mr. Moron’said an empty apology to the waiter and she smiled her beautiful smile as a plea of acceptance. The waiter grinned at her, nodded at the guy and assured him that it was quite alright. The waiter apologized for the previous drink then walked toward my table. I laughed to myself when I noticed the waiter mouth an unfavorable word about the jerk while walking by. My coffee was almost gone. The Baileys disappeared faster than the coffee as I kept pouring more to get a sense of enjoyment from the liquor. I overheard her claim that ‘too much has happened and it’s just not the same.’ Her last comment before she gave him the cold shoulder was, “You should have canceled that meeting if you knew you had plans with me!” He became the source of my violent imaginary visions. She was frustrated and at her limit. I knew how it felt to be at the other end of that conversation. I was waiting for the ultimate maneuver by her. The classic ‘do-whatever-the-hell-you-want’ pose of hers... waving her hand in front of her with the slight tilt of her head to the right. Her disengaging eye contact would make anyone seem unimportant because of the topic at hand. I sipped my coffee thinking to myself, “Wait for it... wait for it...” The moment arrived when he answered his phone a few moments later. I wanted to walk over to him and tell him, “You’re way past your time, Buddy. She’s long gone now!” Instead, I sat and thought about the last conversation I had with her. She was brushing my dog and ignoring my attempts to say any rationalization of leaving. She was sitting on the floor in our apartment and I was standing in the doorway. I felt like I had already left but yet I was still there just a few feet away. The way she looked at this guy seemed all too familiar. The feeling of emptiness came back to me when I remembered how that night ended. I heard my dog bark when I shut the door behind me to got in my car to drive off for awhile. After I started the engine, I recalled seeing her standing on the porch. That scene was more than I could stand. A couple of hours later, when I returned to see my faithful dog laying on my bed, I noticed her and her belongings were gone. The apartment seemed smaller that particular night. I didn’t sleep too well and heard every noise around me... especially my dog snorting and snoring. I turned my glass of ice water and noticed she was watching me. I looked over the rim of the glass while drinking. The water left me thirsty for relief of the memories and the guilt I kept inside for years. Her eyes were wet and she dropped the napkin on her plate. He was sitting quietly at their table. I waited for words to be thrown out in desperation but he was awkwardly quiet. When the waiter appeared out of nowhere and asked me if I needed anything, I stared at her. She was angry and sad. I softly replied, “I had all I needed but never had enough time to enjoy it!” He looked confused and stood beside me a bit longer before I told him I just needed the check. When the check arrived, I stood and noticed that she was watching me again. I grabbed my coat from the back of my chair, handed him some cash, thanked him then told him to keep the change. He thanked me then walked off to tend to other guests. As I was putting my coat on, I noticed she was reaching for her purse. I walked passed the loser still pleading for her to listen to him. I took her coat, helped her put it on then followed her out of the restaurant as the guy shouted something she didn’t care to hear or reply to. I didn’t pay any attention to it, either. We stepped outside and she asked me if I still had the place near the restaurant. I told her I did. So, we walked through the Boston Common, then The Public Garden and arrived at my place near the pub named, “Cheers.” When I opened the door, my apartment was dark but a faint snore could be heard from my room. She laughed and quietly walked over to the bedroom door. I closed the door and watched her staring at my dog in my bed. A few hours later, I was watching her sleep in my bed with my dog, also asleep, wedged between us.