text: The Pope betrayed me. Hey everyone, sorry that I haven't given an update on the grease war recently, I have had some minor setbacks which have forced me to rethink my existence. The most recent one being that the Pope has betrayed me which is something that I expected, but something that I never could have foreseen. Anyway he suddenly disappeared and left only this note: [Dear fleabag, I have four things which no other human has... they are all fingers. Yes, I have four extra fingers. I spoke to my doctor several decades ago about having them removed so that I would have just 12 fingers like a normal person but he said that that would involve effort and so he will not preform the surgery. I am fine with this because I do not trust doctors. Besides, it's just like my mother used to always say, "having four extra fingers is like having four extra toes, just on your hand instead of your foot." Now if you are reading this then you may be wondering what the point of this letter is, and, well, I regret to inform you that the point of this letter is not my extra fingers. Have you heard of the black plague? It happened a long time ago. It also is not the point of this letter. No, the point of this letter is the matter of my sudden disappearance. Sorry Ronald, but I had to leave. I have mysterious Pope stuff to do, you wouldn't understand. Also, I took the shovel with me in case I have to dig a hole or hunt a large army of tobacco farmers. I also took your lawnmower, I think that it was your neighbor's but it's ok, I took it anyway. Actually there are a couple reasons that I took the lawnmower which I feel that you deserve to know, first of all I needed a speedy mode of transportation and that thing can go like eight miles an hour, second of all it is my hope that you will think that I am doing mysterious landscaping stuff and not mysterious Pope stuff because that is a secret. So if you are watching the news and the headline is "Pope mows the grass in the Vatican City with stolen push mower" that is not me, that is a different Pope, he is probably Mexican or something. Finally I must conclude this letter, but before I do, I have a favor to ask of you. Please inspect the back of this page and see if there is a small man taped to it. He would be about 3 feet tall, with a 17 inch nose and six foreheads stacked on top of each other, it would be his belief that he has a double chin which he does not, but he is very self conscious about his chin so don't mention it. His name would be Yeewee Bastard but don't call him that as that would get him on the topic of endangered species of unnamed plants, something which he is rather passionate about. If he is there, he is not real, he is a hallucination, ignore his hatred of fossilized fruits, do not let him persuade you. Now for the favor, please go find one of those Vietnam veterans who hold the cardboard signs that say "anything helps" and donate this letter to them, it should help, the sign says so. With unmatched hatred, farewell crusty, we shall meet again soon.] So there it is, now I have been left shovel-less, Popeless, and with my neighbor's lawn mower no longer hidden in my chimney. I am actually so upset right now that I literally went outside and paved my neighbor's garden for him. At least those pesky plants won't be bothering him anymore.