text: It’s really all Dave’s fault or maybe his nephew’s, but either way, this isn’t me, this isn’t who I am. Dave is a coworker of mine and a personal rival. We’re basically in a competition for most popular in the office. I know I’d be number one if it wasn’t for him. If they would just open their eyes, they’d see how much of a loser he really is and how cool I am. Then everybody would quit following Dave around hanging on every dumb word he says, and they’d finally talk to me for a change. I’ve never really spoken to Dave one on one, but I can tell what he’s up to. He’s definitely obsessed with ruining everything for me, in fact he’s a lot like me, charming, funny. But that’s because he’s copying me, basically stealing my personality, how can some people be so selfish? Okay, okay I’ll get back to my point. Last Monday I came into work in the best mood ever. I was on top of the world because I’d worked all weekend on it, the thing that would finally best him. I’d researched, choreographed, and performed a completely original dance routine to ABCDEFU, amazing song BTW. You know “ABCDEFU and your mom”. Anyway, I posted the video early that morning, I really think it deserved to get more traction. I had it queued up on my laptop in the break room ready to inconspicuously start playing. It’s an awesome dance, they would’ve gone crazy for it. Way better than my last one, you gotta make it pop, ya know. You would like it too, I can tell. I’ll get back to the point. I guess you're wondering why I say “would’ve”, that’s because sadly my plan was interrupted. I was the first one in the breakroom, the others were starting to file in, I was just about to “accidently” start the video on my computer, and say “oh how embarrassing, oh but if you guys insist on watching,” so smooth. But Dave entered looking sad and pathetic, staring down. Everyone gathered around him. “What’s going on over here”, I said and Jennie, she’s the hottest in the office, said “didn’t you hear Dave’s nephew was in a car accident.” Then Lisa, she’s the loudest in the office, blurted out, “Yeah, he’s in the hospital, a drunk driver hit him!” My chest sank, I’d been defeated again, Dave’s always one step ahead. And to use a situation like this. And all week it just went on and on. Every Day Dave would come in and immediately share about how well his nephew was doing with his situation and how he felt blessed to be able to spend more time with him. And the worst one, “how we take the people we love for granted”, puke. And everyone was just eating it up. Jennie kept telling him how he was “so sweet for helping his nephew” and Dave would say, “I’m just glad to be able to spend time with him.” I almost puked for real! Point being, Dave was milking this situation for everything he could. Disgusting if you ask me. So, you see I had no choice but to come up with something tremendous or devastating, something huge. It had to be big, but I didn’t really have any dirt on Dave even though I know he’s the worst. I didn’t have any injured family members, and even if I could injure them, I wouldn’t want to have to spend time with them. That’s when I figured it out. Sick Dogs! I could say I adopted terminally Ill dogs. He only has one nephew, but I could have multiple dogs and while his nephew is recovering, these dogs ain’t gonna make it. The next time Dave was going on about his crap I casually brought up my much more heroic situation. They all stared at me. “You adopt dogs?” Jennie asked. “Terminally ill dogs, yes” I replied. I really needed to drive that point home, that these dogs were goners. “I Thought you hated dogs!” Lisa exclaimed. “What no!” I replied. “I’m pretty sure I saw you pour your Big Gulp on that dog that used to come around the parking lot so it would get away from you” Lisa said. “No what no I was that’s bullshit” I said deflecting perfectly. Then Jennie said, “Well I think it’s great that you adopt sick dogs, I’m not sure how it relates to what we were talking...” “I’ll bring them in tomorrow!” I blurted out. Now you can see I’ve got to get some sick and dying dogs right away. I went all over town, but it is like basically impossible to get a dog fast, dying or not. There must be some rule or law, maybe you could do something about that, anyway, it’s b.s. So, when I got to the last place, I was a little bit fed up, understandably so you might say. When the guy told me I couldn’t have a dog I flipped out a little bit. I tried to flip his desk; it was very heavy though. I knocked everything off his desk though. Then I grabbed his keys and started unlocking cages until he tased me. But the adrenaline was flowing so strong. I jumped up to my feet and bolted toward the door to the backroom, where I knew they were probably keeping the really good dogs or the really sick ones. I lunged for the door, busted in and saw what I couldn’t believe. It was a fighting ring. Men were betting on dog fights right in the back of the animal shelter. I was disgusted, what a horrible thing. But my old gambling days flashed in my mind. The cock fights in Tiajuana. I put down every penny I had on Red Rover. Then your cop buddies raided the place. So, you can see I only bet on the one fight and not even, cause it hadn’t even started yet. I’m really just a victim here, of gambling addiction, and Dave. So, you can let me out right. Jail Guard: “That was a great story and all. Well not really. It did kill a little time on my shift. But the thing is I’m just a guard, I can’t let you out. Even if I wanted to. Oh, but if it makes you feel any better, I can relate. See that guard over there, that’s Jim. Let me tell ya bout Jim. Now Jim, he’s a real Dave.