text: “Our new, innovative 2023 Life Glasses model allows instant real-time display of personal achievements of any one you meet. ONLY $5.99!” I don’t usually do internet shopping but I don’t know...seemed like a good prank gift for my mate Jimmy. There was just something about them. Looked like the photos were ripped off from the old Google Glass website or something. Even the company seemed strange, “Enhanced Life Technologies”. There was a legit webpage, with unique images (thanks reverse image search) but everything seemed so...manufactured. Like it was all so artificial. Ah well, I’ve got six bucks to burn and the look on his face will be priceless: Hey, here’s app-enabled smart glasses. Nah, jokes, only some cheap knockoffs but at least you can google stuff if you blink I think. When it came in the mail just two days later, I discovered how wrong I was. Amazon’s smile logo was almost mocking me as I tore it open and found a pristine silver rectangular box with the Enhanced Life Technologies logo emblazoned on the front. I had trouble unwrapping the plastic film but found the Life Glasses inside, exactly as depicted on the website. There was only a single sheet of paper with the instructions: 1. Turn them on. 2. Put them on. 3. Find out more about other people than even they know. Seemed simple enough. I know what you’re thinking: they’re a gift for someone else, you can’t try them on! Weeeell... they’re just six dollars, there wouldn’t be any real harm if I tried them. Looking at them closely, they were simple glasses with a small black box the size of the end of your thumb next to the left lens. After putting them on, naturally everything was out of focus since I don’t wear glasses. Underwhelmed, I took them off and then I saw the small red power button on the black box. After pressing the button, I put them back on to see my vison blurred at first but it slowly started to come into focus. I guessed these really were smart glasses. Not bad for six dollars huh? Bored, I kept them on and went out to do some shopping. There wasn’t any difficulty driving to the shops with the Life Glasses on but when I went inside that’s when they really went to work. Some teenage kid pushing trolleys had: “Has swam a total of fifty one miles during his lifetime”. An elderly lady walking out of the store had floating bright green text to her head saying: “Has travelled to a total of seventy two countries”. The girl at the checkout lane had red text next to her that said: “Suffers from globophobia”. I had to take the glasses off to make sure of what I was seeing, of course, as soon as I did, the text disappeared. I gawked at the checkout girl as I was processing this information. Were these facts really true about people? Can a six-dollar pair of glasses be this accurate? Unfortunately I got lost in my own thoughts and the checkout girl gave me a filthy look, sending me on my way, embarrassed. Walking through the fresh produce section only weirded me out even further. There was floating red text next to a six year old boy that said, “Total live spiders eaten: 3”, the floating yellow text next to his mother said, “Number of people bullied to tears: 5”. Really? Am I to believe the glasses can tell me that? The bald guy picking out apples was really concerning though. “Served six months for aggravated assault.” That can’t be true can it? I took off the glasses and stared at the guy. He didn’t seem dangerous. Maybe the way he’s holding that banana is kind of threatening? No. I couldn’t just assume the glasses are correct. I had to take them off. I had to stop worrying about other strangers. I had to get ready for my date that night... Internet match. Nothing unusual. She decided on a Korean-Mexican fusion restaurant (don’t ask) and I just went with the flow. She was a looker, no doubt, Before you ask, yes I wore the glasses. Now, hold on, there were several reasons why I wore them. One, they made me look smarter. Two, who’s to say that it actually works? I was thinking that it could tell me more about my date... Okay, there were only two reasons, but they were enough. When I first sat down with her the glasses popped up with the text, “likes wholesome memes”, which is okay but I could hardly use that in a conversation. Then there was a lull of information for the next five minutes. She ordered the bulgogi tacos, I ordered the French fries with kimchi. We really hit it off, then the next bit of information popped up. “Has kayaked 300 miles”. That was kind of useful. Outdoors kinda chick. I liked that. So I casually dropped that I sometimes went hiking then the conversation really started flying. Thought she was a real keeper. Then red text popped up next to her head. “Boyfriends killed: 3” Wait what? Did a double take. The glasses maybe got some things right about her but that was next level creepy. “So how did the breakup with your last boyfriend go?” I know, dick move, really soon, but... She just threw her head back and laughed. “It was pretty messy, I have to admit. Never had someone ask that on a first date before though.” I just nodded hoping to play it off. I mean really, was I going to get a full blown murder confession from her? Another red text popped up next to her. “Earliest date until murder of boyfriend: Third date.” At least I have some leeway...might give this another date. Would be cutting it close though.