text: Sally Wong was six years old when she was diagnosed with leukemia. At first, her prognosis was grim: she was given only six months to live. She endured chemotherapy and many transfusions, but was able to pull through in the end. This whole time, she was determined to win her fight and, after a year, she was declared a healthy, cancer-free seven year old. As she walked out of the hospital for the final time, that’s when tragedy struck. I was in a rush to get my ice cream truck licence and inadvertently drove onto the curb. She was pronounced dead on the scene but at least died holding her mother’s hand. Luckily, I was on time for the Ice Cream Truck Drivers’ Certification Test and passed with flying colours. **Ryan Miller, 6, 18 Months Ago** Ryan Miller was a very bright kid, considering his parental circumstances. He was really good at shapes and colours as a kindergartener and wanted to be an architect. Everything came to a halt when he was diagnosed with lung cancer, likely transferred from the smoking habits of his whore mother, Sarah Miller. Ryan and his bitch of a mother were not in a good financial situation, but were miraculously able to secure the funds to get the required treatment. Ryan’s condition rapidly improved and he was back to school in a year. When crossing the street on his way home from school that fateful Thursday, I accidentally slammed my truck into him at full speed, splattering him. At this point in time, I drove really quickly with the windows open to keep the ice cream nice and cold. Nobody in the Ice Cream Truck Driving Academy (or ICTDA for short) ever spoke about freezers, so this tactic worked reasonably well. However, this made turning to avoid cars and children really difficult. **Charlie Hayfield, 5, 11 Months Ago, Ruined My Birthday** Little Charlie was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, and his entire life he only knew pain. His GoFundMe campaign, featuring a heartbreaking testimony from Charlie and his extremely baffled yet concerned family, won over thousands of strangers on the Internet, reminding us that there is still hope for this world. He never gave up hope for a better tomorrow and after years of waiting and the kindness of the world, that tomorrow came. Unfortunately, that tomorrow came on my birthday when I was in a rush to buy a proper freezer. At this point, I was very upset because my business was hemorrhaging money in fuel expenses, wasted icecream, and lawsuits. In a sense, Charlie’s death was the turning point for my business. **Brian Schumacher, 4, Five Months Ago** Okay, this one was not strictly “accidental.” Brian was diagnosed with Devil’s Colon, a type of cancer identified by a heavily enlarged colon that excretes blood and incantations. Things were looking grim; treatment options were limited and Brian was not long for this world. I was contacted by the Make-A-Wish Foundation to make Brian’s childhood wish come true. I wasn’t provided any details initially, and met with Brian and his parents in the hospital. When I met Brian, I asked him if he wanted to tag along with me for the day, but he had other ideas in mind. He told be that his wish was to be run over by an ice cream truck, and that he wanted, in his words, for his “brittle brittle bones to become one with the truck of iced cream, as always desired.” Needless to say, I refused this request on principle. His parents threatened to reveal to the media how many children I ran over, but I’ve always been pretty transparent about this - all of them are painted on my truck in memoriam. They insisted and insisted, saying that Brian would really enjoy it, but I explained to them that the other children didn’t seem to like it that much, and that Sarah Miller was really busting my balls over this. That’s when the targeted harassment campaign started. After one-too-many death threats, I finally agreed to fulfill this wish. Then out of nowhere, Brian was miraculously cured - free from the grip of Devil’s Colon. Given that he was no longer dying, I called this off. After doing the rounds one day, I returned to my house only to notice Brian sitting at my kitchen table. He said to me, “don’t think this is over, we made a deal.” And then he said that if I don’t hold up on my end of the deal, I would be sent to the Place of Draining Colour. I didn’t know what this meant, but I was scared enough to comply. The next day, we met on an empty field. I began driving and rammed into him, ending his existence. I exited the truck and heard his final words, a faint “thank you.” **Sarah Miller, 36, Yesterday** This bitch was a child in my eyes. My only mistake was not doing this sooner.