text: All sorts of feelings It was late, almost midnight, and I was walking by the docks. My parents probably thought that I was at some party, like a normal 16-year-old guy would on a Friday night, but I never got invited to one of those, not in my old school and not in my new school. I just don’t hang out with a lot of people; most other guys think I’m too nerdy and girls think I’m ugly. Now it doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. I honestly enjoy spending time alone, taking walks along the dark water, breathing the coolish night air, away from school, stress and anxiety. I thought this would be a calm, regular night, but then I saw her. Or, at first I couldn't see if it was a he or she, it was really dark, the only light came from a few faint streetlights. I just saw the silhouette of a person standing on the, now abandoned, bridge for pedestrians, just above the big rocks right before the water started. It looked like the person was about to jump. I pulled out my hands from my jean jacket pockets and started walking faster. As I got closer I saw from behind that it was a girl. She had long, dark hair, average height and wore a black, hooded jacket and a dark skirt or dress - I wasn’t sure. Even if I had no idea who it was, I couldn’t just let her take her life. “Hey, what are you doing? You can’t just jump!” I shouted with a hoarse voice. “Leave me alone, you don’t know me!” It felt like I had heard her voice before, but I couldn’t place it. “Please don’t do this! You probably haven’t thought this through!” In fact didn’t know what to say, but now it felt like my responsibility to prevent her from killing herself. “Just let me do this, I literally don’t want to live anymore”, she replied angrily. Now I heard who it was. I was shocked. It was Lucy. My old classmate. I had no idea that she was suicidal, or even depressed. Well, she was never the happiest girl in school, but she never seemed to be really sad either. I called her name. She finally turned around. “Thomas?” “Yeah, remember me? From 11th grade?” “Yes...” “Then come down”, I begged. “We can talk!” “Look, you’re really not helping”, she said, but I could see that she kind of wanted to come down to me. She still didn’t move, so I decided to go up to her instead. The spiral staircase to the bridge was made of some sort of metal, so both she and I heard every step I took. When I came to the top I looked down. This pedestrians’ bridge went at least 15 feet (4.5 m) above the ground, so Lucy would definitely hurt herself and probably die if she jumped from there on the sharp stones. Why did she want to do that? Now I could see her clearly. She looked like she had done when we went to school together, her brown hair was a little longer and darker, and she looked older, even if it was less than a year since I saw her the last time. Her blue eyes were shiny and the makeup around them had smudged a bit. My heart somehow felt lighter when I looked at her. She was beautiful. “Um, hi...”, I said eventually, “Are you like, okay?” “Do I look okay?” she asked, “Do I fucking look okay? Do you think a person on their way to jump off a bridge like this is okay? What is wrong with you?” Yeah, what is wrong with me? Why did I say that? I don’t know. I started to think of how to apologize, but then I saw a tear running down her cheek. All at once, this hard-nosed girl seemed a lot more helpless. Hardly without thinking, I stepped forward and gave her a hug. Maybe physical comfort is better when you’re not good with words? As soon as I hugged her she burst into tears, but at least she hugged me back, so I guess it helped in some way. It felt a little strange. Feelings I didn’t know I still had started to come up. “Oh my God, what am I doing up here?”, Lucy sobbed. “‘You want to go down?” I asked carefully. She let go of the hug and nodded. I still felt a vibrating feeling from it. I took her arm and led her slowly down the stairs. I didn’t want to say anything to make her cry again, so I kept quiet when we started walking along the water. After she had calmed down a bit, Lucy asked me: “Do you still play the piano?” I was surprised that she remembered. “Yes, I do”, I replied. “Cool.” It was probably just small talk. Or, I thought so before Lucy cleared her throat and said: “I always thought you played beautiful. I know your friends mocked you when you played at the Christmas concerts, but I genuinely liked it. Once I was outside the music room and when I heard you practice I just stood outside a while and listened.” “Wow, thanks!” I said and looked down on my trainers. “I had no idea.” “Um”, I started, “How’s your new school? Where do you go?” The both of us switched to new schools after Secondary school. “I go to S:t Jacob’s and, well, the school itself is pretty nice, but I the people - not really.” Lucy looked away. “I never thought you felt this bad.” I had to ask eventually. “Well, it’s got worse this year. Before I was just sad a lot, I never seriously thought about taking my life, but now...” She took a break. I waited. She took a deep breath. “So ever since summer break last year, I’ve just felt empty, yet had so many feelings. I barely recognise myself when I look in the mirror, this body just doesn’t feel like mine anymore. Lately I’ve just felt like I’m drowning and my only choices are to keep swimming or to take ‘the lifeboat’, and it’s getting harder and harder to swim and there just isn’t another way out than..., you now.” Wow. Lucy and I took a turn and found a park bench among some trees where we sat down quietly. The bench was cold. We sat a little less than a foot apart. I remember when we were 14 or something and once sat next to each other like this in school, for a group project I think. I remembered the tension between us, how I could hear my heart beating and had all sorts of strange feelings inside of me. When we sat on this bench, it was like the group project all over again. Why did she make me feel like this? Lucy interrupted my thoughts by saying: “Also, in like 10th-11th grade I had things to live for. People liked talking to me, my parents cared about me, I did well in school. Now I’m just an ugly girl with no real friends and no social competence left, I never talk to my dad anymore and my mom only talks about her own life and her new boyfriend, everything in school is stressing the hell out of me and I just basically hate my life. If you wouldn't have been there when I stood on the bridge, I would probably be dead by now.” My heart started beating faster. First now I realised that I had literally saved someone’s life. Her life. When I was three, my mum saved my life when I almost drowned in the sea. Lucy’s mum didn't seem to care when her daughter drowned in her depression. She probably didn't even know about it. “Have you talked to your parents about this?” “No... They’d never understand, nor care. My dad doesn’t even live here in England anymore. And my mum, yeah you know.” “You should call her”, I said. “Tell her everything’s okay.” She hesitated, looked at me and reluctantly took up her phone. I noticed on the lock screen that the time was way past midnight. I hoped her mum would still answer. Five signals. Then I heard a “Hello?” on the other side of the line. “Hi, mum”, Lucy said. “I, I just wanted to let you now that I'm not feeling well. Or, I’ve actually felt horrible for the last couple of months, but I never wanted to be a burden. Tonight I tried to do something horrible, but a - friend, stopped me from doing it, so I’m safe now.” I couldn't really hear what her mother said, but soon I heard crying. “I love you too!” Lucy cried. “I'm so sorry. Yes, he sits next to me now. Yes, I will. I think so. Okay, I'll see you at home! Bye! ” Something like that. Lucy looked at me. More of her makeup had smudged by now and she looked really matt. To me, she was still the prettiest star in the night. She asked: “You can walk me home, right?” “Of course!” “Mum is driving home from her boyfriend's as soon as she can. She's going to call in sick for work tomorrow and cancel all her weekend plans, just to be with me. It's perhaps a little exaggerated, but it will definitely make me feel better. Yeah, I'll be fine. Also, she wants to thank you and I want to thank you too.” “Well, it was a matter of life or death, what was I supposed to do? And Lucy, your mother loves you, she is supposed to give you much attention after all this! Come!” As we started walking Lucy grabbed my hand. Her was cold, but holding it made me warm inside. I didn't know if it meant something that she wanted to hold hands, or if she just needed that comfort right now. I thought about how she complimented my piano playing. Maybe she liked me. I definitely liked her. I wished we could keep in touch after this night. “Should we maybe exchange mobile numbers before we say goodbye? I'm here if you want to talk some more.” “Yes, I'd really like that”, she replied. “You know, you're like my only friend right now!” The both of us smiled. Lucy didn't commit suicide and hopefully she would soon recover from her depression and be happy again. Even though I felt a huge compassion for her, it made me happy to be around her, and knowing that I saved her life made me feel a lot better than I had felt when I started my walk that night.