text: Jack sat on the stoop of his Troy brownstone, bent over and holding his head in his hands. His fingers played with his dark curly locks tinged with a hint of gray. With a sigh of impatience, he almost pulled his cell from the pocket of his black dress pants and called Yvette. He was then startled by the loud, repeated honks of his sister's truck and nearly fell off the porch. He jogged the short distance to the Ford, opened the door, and hopped in. He said to Yvette in a sarcastic tone, “On time, like usual.” As Yvette pulled away from the curb , she gave Jack a hasty once-over. She nodded approval and said, “Not bad, maybe a few more gray hairs than last month. You're not so ugly after all.” Jack grinned at the decades old joke from childhood. He said, “ That's a high compliment coming from you. My greatest fear is that Mom may be bored with her retirement, decide she's not done raising a family and give birth to a son who is more handsome than me.” Yvette snorted and said, “Imagine Mom giving birth at 65! Knowing nothing about this potential baby, he would be a far better brother than you.” Feigning tears and pretending to cry, Jack said, “You hurt my feelings. I don't want to go to this wedding with you. Turn the truck around!” Yvette smirked and said in a very dramatic voice, “I didn't mean it. You did me a huge favor by going at the last minute. You're also my funniest and smartest brother, since you're my only one.” They both laughed at the backhanded compliment and Jack asked, “Why isn't Roger going? I shouldn't have answered my cell last night when you called. I ought to have been at Saratoga today, winning thousands on the ponies ” Yvette said, “Knowing your luck, I saved you from the poor house. I'm picking up your share of the wedding gift and you can pig out and drink to your heart's content. Sasha doesn't spare any expense, especially for her daughter, and we won't be able to eat for days.” Yvette paused for a minute and gazed at her bright green eyes, highlighted by jet black eyeliner and mascara, in the rear view mirror. She continued in a somewhat defensive tone, “Roger started not to feel well last night and wondered if he was coming down with Covid. He thought it best not to take any chances.” “How convenient,” Jack said as he looked at a few boats on the Hudson River. What luck your invitation said plus one and you were free to bring anyone.” After a long pause he asked, “What's the bride like? I don't remember you telling me Sasha had a daughter. I thought Sasha was only a few years older than us, mid-forties or so. Her daughter must be very young.” Yvette said, “I don't know much about her. Her name is Penelope and Sasha tells me she's a little bitch.” Roger did a double take and said, “I can't believe she'd talk about her own daughter like that. Who's the unlucky groom?” Yvette said, “You've met Sasha a few times. She didn't get her own home design show by being sweet and fading into the woodwork. I'm glad I don't work for her directly but only sell her my artwork. She has a hard edge and I imagine Penelope is just like her.” Yvette peeled open a honey granola bar, snapped it in half and offered the larger piece to a willing Jack. She continued, “It's better to have something in your stomach if you plan on drinking. I know even less about the groom but his name is Claude and I think he has something to do with security systems and heard he works hard like a dog. Who knows? Perhaps Sasha or one of her wealthy guests might be interested in buying some of your antiques. Maybe you'll meet some interesting women and enjoy yourself even if you're determined not to.” Jack said, “ If I have to charm everyone, I need some sleep.” He looked at the GPS on the dashboard and saw that Sasha's home on Lake George was forty minutes away. “Wake me when we're almost there.” He closed his eyes and nodded off right away. Yvette looked at her sleeping brother and hoped he'd be in a good mood when he woke up. She put on some Beethoven and washed down her granola bar with water from her Stanley cup as they made their way north. When they reached their exit on the Northway, Yvette pulled off and turned into the Mobil Station. After she was safely parked, she poked him gently in his slightly padded ribs and whispered, “Jack, Jack. “ Jack jumped and struggled to open his eyes. He asked in a cracked voice, “Are we there yet?” Yvette said in a gentle yet hesitant voice, “Almost. I have to tell you something first.” Jack sat straight up and stared at his sister. He knew her too well. This tone usually meant news he wouldn’t want to hear. “Out with it,” he said. Yvette took a deep breath and said, “We’re going to a dog wedding.” Jack looked at her with disbelief, trying to make sense of what his ears heard. “A dog WHAT?” Yvette nodded and talked quickly, trying to explain and prevent Jack’s words from bubbling up and spilling from his mouth. She said in one long run-on sentence without stopping, “Sasha’s dog Penelope and her friend Linda's dog Claude are getting married because Sasha wants a prospective show dog puppy and Linda insists on a ceremony before they're bred and Sasha promised Linda that I would paint their wedding portrait and Roger first said he’d go but then changed his mind and I get emotional at weddings and need moral support so I begged you to go but didn't dare tell you that it was a wedding for dogs because I knew you'd say “no” so I waited until we were almost here and hoped you wouldn't want to do a 180 and be mad at me for not telling you all this last night.” Yvette gasped for air and took a sip from Stanley as she awaited Jack's reaction with trepidation. Jack shook his head sideways and slapped the side of his face, unsure what amazed him more-the rapidity of Yvette's speech or the content of what she was saying. He winced, squinted and focused his brainpower, preparing for how he would respond. He sighed and said, “Okay, with conditions.” Yvette nodded her head and waited for Jack. He said,” Number one, expect that I'll be drinking heavily and you'll be responsible for getting me in the truck. Number two, we'll leave as early as possible, maybe to the point of rudeness. Number three, never mention it to anyone, except Roger. I assume your husband was, let's say, a little reluctant to attend a dog wedding?” Yvette said, “ Yeah, the more I told him about it, the madder he got because he thought it was the dumbest thing he ever heard and such a waste of money. He was truly disgusted.” Jack said, “ I completely agree but my tolerance level is much better than his. The bright side is that attending a dog wedding will be item number 5000 on my bucket list. You owe me big time.” Yvette replied, “You're the best. One more thing. Please don't let on to anyone that you think this is stupid. I don't want to offend Sasha, Linda or any potential clients. Okay?” Jack gave Yvette a solemn salute as she started the Ford and drove the short distance to Sasha's house. Sasha's spacious log home was situated on a hill nestled amongst fragrant pine trees located at the end of a private drive. An attendant directed them to park on the side of the road at the end of a long chain of cars. He pointed at the path by the house and told them to follow it to the lake, where the ceremony would be held. Jack and Yvette drank in the cool refreshing air of the forest as they made their descent. He managed a low whistle as they passed by the magnificent hundred year old structure. He said, “I wish we could see the inside. She must make a ton of money hosting that show.’ Yvette said, “She came from wealth. This camp has been in her family for years.” Their attention was drawn from the home to the wedding venue located on the huge sandy beach on the edge of the lake. On the left side was a large pavilion decorated with a circus theme. On the right was a chuppah, a beautiful open tent with no sides. The top was a deep rich blue velvet and the poles were decorated with strands of dyed blue daisies to match. The one-hundred or so folding chairs for the two-legged guests were the same shade as the flowers. Most of them were already filled, as Yvette and Jack had been running late. They claimed two on the delegated bride side near the back and Yvette set her purse down on one. She proceeded to wander around with her digital camera and snap photos that could provide the background for her dog portraits while Jack observed the scene with a jaundiced eye. There was a gentle breeze that rippled the water and tempered the hot August day. The Adirondack Mountains provided additional eye candy to the picturesque lake. A postcard wouldn't do it justice. The sublime was spoiled by the ridiculous. A tuxedoed employee was picking up dog poop from the four legged guests with a beribboned scooper. “You couldn't pay me enough,” Jack thought. Jack gazed at the mostly female guests, many with their own dogs seated on their laps. It seemed that the owners had put at least as much effort into the outfits of their dogs as their own. A bulldog was dressed as a sailor and a greyhound had on a rabbit suit. The dog and owner seated to his left were wearing matching pink dresses. The barking and yapping irritated Jack and the constant primping by their handlers was even worse. Jack mused, “I'm sure Roger wasn't alone in finding an excuse.” Yvette slid into the seat next to him and said,“The ceremony is about to start!” She had a glass of champagne in each hand and offered one to Jack. He grabbed both and chugged them down. The mother of the groom, Linda, walked up the aisle with Claude, her black poodle. They were dressed in matching white tuxes. Claude took an interest in a fawn pug dressed in a purple tutu in the front row and Linda had to tug on his leash to refocus his attention. This caused an appreciative laugh from the crowd. Penelope, dressed in a white lace gown complete with veil, was led to the chuppah by Sasha. Jack was focused on the ceremony in spite of himself and was startled by the sudden loud sobbing next to him. He had forgotten how Yvette got so emotional at weddings. She had been a bridesmaid at his own nuptials and fainted dead away during the exchange of rings. The audience all turned and looked at them and he felt the heat rise in his cheeks. The woman in pink reached over and handed her a kleenex. The wedding proceeded with Reverend Paul from Linda's church officiating over the affair. Everyone bowed their heads when he offered a blessing for all in attendance. Linda and Sasha each shared stories of how they first met their dogs in puppy hood and regaled amusing anecdotes of their misbehaviors. Jack was charmed by their stories. The Reverend said the ceremony was being formalized for the purpose of procreation of puppies. He read the vows, which included loyalty, unleashed love and living in the moment. Penelope and Claude each barked their “I do” and took a drink from the Gorham silver bowl the Reverend set down for them. Linda inked their right front paws and pressed them down on the wedding certificate. The applause was thunderous and Yvette wasn't the only one overcome with emotion. Jack whispered in Yvette's ear, “Can we go now?” Yvette said, “My work is just starting. I need to take pictures of the happy couple so I can paint their portraits later. Go in the tent and grab some food.” Jack joined the assembled crowd and found Yvette's name assigned to doghouse number eight. He grabbed two glasses of champagne from the passing waiter, found the table and gulped the bubbly down. The tablecloth was decorated in a Shih-Tzu design and he read about their royal history on the placard. He was feeling a little looser and saying “Shih-Tzu “several times amused him greatly. He took several cookies shaped like bones decorated with icing from the bowl on the table and wolfed them down. He received a tap on the shoulder from the person sitting at the table behind him. Jack whipped around and saw the woman who poked him. Her dancing blue eyes lit up her otherwise plain face and her laugh was contagious. She had a tricolor King Charles Cavalier Spaniel on her lap and she said, “I hope you realize those are dog cookies.” Jack thought for a minute, deciding how to reply. Going for shock value was a tried and tested strategy. He reached for two more and offered her one, crunching the other loudly in his mouth. She laughed even harder and Jack liked her immediately. She said, “I'm Ruth and this is Lulu,” pointing at her Spaniel. Jack asked, “ Did you say your name is Ruff, Ruff?, “ while barking like a dog. Sometimes Jack's humor backfired on him, but in this case it did not. Ruth was charmed yet again and they made their way over to the buffet table, loaded with a vast array of delicacies Jack didn't recognize. He held Lulu for Ruth as she filled her plate, and then returned and sat down next to her with his. Yvette returned briefly and introductions were made. Yvette was busy with her photography and making the rounds, hoping to drum up extra business and build clientele. She was content to graze from the buffet. Jack was enjoying himself and forgot his original loathing of the situation. He applauded when a Jack Russell barked his wedding toast to the happy couple. He and Ruth shared their slices of wedding cake with Lulu. They laughed hysterically when the greyhound in the bunny suit danced with her owner on her hind legs. Yvette was delighted that Jack seemed to be enjoying himself and held Lulu while they watched a border collie catch a flowered Frisbee in his teeth while jumping off the dock. As they watched the setting sun cast pools of light on the lake, Ruth asked Jack, “ How do you feel about dog weddings?” Jack was kicking himself that he hadn't asked her that question first. He didn't know how to respond. He looked over at Yvette, but she was too far away and hadn't heard the question. His marriage had ended, mostly because he and his wife had grown apart because they didn't share the same interests. He was more honest and particular about those things now in relationships. He looked her in the eye and said, “ I think they're pretty stupid.” Ruth said, “I'm Linda's niece and I helped plan this ceremony.” Without another word, she stomped off, retrieved Lulu from Yvette and made her way back to the party. Yvette was livid when she found out what Jack said to Ruth. “I didn't know she was Linda's niece either, but asked you not to let on how you felt to anyone. This is a bunch of crazy, eccentric people with money. They treat their dogs like people.” It was a quiet ride home, but Yvette calmed down by the time they reached exit 8 of the Northway. She said, “I was wrong to drag you there without being honest. Maybe Ruth won't tell Sasha or Linda that my brother insulted their wedding plans or they won't care.” When she dropped him off, her sense of humor was restored and said, “If you're hung over, have some of the hair of the dog that bit you.” Jack was tempted to call her a bitch, but didn't want to risk her anger again. A week later, Yvette texted him a phone number without a message. Jack texted back and asked, “Whose number is this?” Yvette replied, “Linda gave Ruth my number and Ruth called me. She apologized about getting angry and asked if you liked dogs but only hated weird ceremonies. I told her that was the case and you enjoyed her company when you were prepared to have a rotten time. You are no longer in the doghouse. The ball is in your court.” Jack considered, then clicked on Ruth's number and waited for a response.