text: “It’s official ma'am. You are no longer Mrs.Sakthi Rajan,” the lawyer said to me and handed over the divorce papers. Six months later.... In my apartment... “Neha, it’s late. Hurry up or else you will be late to school”, I yelled from the doorstep of our apartment. We lived in a 2BHK apartment in Ashok Nagar, one of the safest environment for residence in Chennai. “On my way, Mum”, Neha replied. After a few minutes, she came out of her bedroom, dressed up in the ironed uniform, all energetic and enthusiastic. She always has this charm in her eyes which gives me the energy to conquer this world every day as a single mother. She is the lighthouse of my lost soul. I dropped her off in the school in my motorbike and then went to an interview for the job of a primary school teacher. That was my twenty-fifth interview in the last six months. In a populated city like Chennai, where there were about one lakh engineers jobless, it was difficult to get a job. I tried all possible jobs starting from IT employee to even a receptionist, but I was rejected everywhere. My age, my qualifications and my lack of experience were a huge drawback. For your information, I was just thirty-one years old. I worked as a receptionist in a company for a while, but I was fired for my carelessness. Maybe those twenty-four rejections were for my own good, I guess because I wouldn’t have ended up where I am in my life, right now. Though I was overqualified for the primary school teacher job, I didn’t have a choice at that time. I needed money to support my child. For the past six months, my parents had helped me financially but I no longer wanted to burden them. In the principal’s office ... “ Ms.Sakthi Kumar, I am sorry, you are overqualified for this job”, the principal said. He was in his late sixties and appeared to be a kind and a gentleman. But at that moment, that gentleman took a decision that was not in favour of me. I had to take my stance then because it was my last chance or else I might even lose my kid to the father. I could not lose my temper at that stage. So, I made myself calm and took the last shot. I said, ” Sir, This is my twenty-fifth interview. I had constantly been rejected for my qualifications or my lack of experience or my age. After all these rejections, I realised that I lost my identity by investing in someone’s. Now, I have to create another identity for the sake of my daughter at least. So please do give me a chance to rediscover myself”. He was silent for a moment and said, “ Which grade do you want to handle Sakthi? “ That night, I was looking at the Saturn through my telescope in the balcony of my apartment. The light from the planet soothed my nerves and made me feel calm. It has always been these stars, which are the medicine for my pain. We shared an unspoken bond between us. That’s why, my dream was to study about these stars. I got my bachelor degree in Physics, so that I can pursue astronomy. But, I didn’t have the resources to study astronomy back then and it was impossible for an Indian woman to stay single after the age of twenty-two .After divorce, it didn’t occur to me to continue pursuing my dream until the chitchat with that one special person. you will get to know the person in the later part of my story. One year later... In my school, somewhere near the playground, during the lunch break... “ Ms.Sakthi , could I have a minute ? “the principal asked. “Sure sir, what is it ?“ I replied. “Meet me in my office, after the class gets over in the evening, “ he said. “Any important news,Sir?” I asked. “ you will know it soon”, he replied. Then he left. The remaining classes went as usual after lunch. After the class got over in the evening, I went to meet the principal. I had no clue what was about to come. I knocked on his door. I heard him saying “ Come on in” from behind the door. So, I got in and wished him. He wished me back. Then he asked me to take a seat and continued,“ How are you ? “. I couldn’t understand what he actually meant. So I replied, “ I am fine, Sir.” He remained silent. I got anxious and asked, "Is there any bad news?” He was silent again. It made me even more anxious and I asked, “ Are you going to fire me?”. This time he replied laughing, “ No! Absolutely not! You are one of the best teachers here.” I felt relieved but at the same time as a fool. Then he continued “Now, I want an answer for my question, my child” I said,“ Sir, really, I am alright as I told you before”. But I know deep inside that I was bluffing. Yes, I was not alright. Daytimes went by real fast with Neha and school. But, in the nights, after I tucked Neha into bed, everything went haywire inside me. Every nerve, every bone in my body felt an irresistible force caused by this huge void in me like an actual black hole, sucking out the life in them. I only slept two hours a day. Neha did cheer me up for some time but the fact that I had to let her go one day made it even worse. Even her light couldn’t save me from losing myself into this void day by day. Therapy was of no use. Sometimes I even stayed up all night looking at the night sky. They had always made me feel better. Those stars were the only support for me against the gravity of the void inside me. I knew it was like fighting the lion with a stick. But those stars gave me the strength to wake up everyday morning. “Sakthi, are you really okay?” the principal's tone was insistent this time. I couldn’t lie to him thereafter. So I said the truth,“ No, sir”. I felt like the hell was let loose inside me after saying those words. I couldn’t concentrate anymore. We both remained silent for a while. Then he broke the silence. He said,“ what are you going to do about it ?” I remained silent as I didn’t have an answer for that. Then he said,“ My child, I think you should take break, from all the responsibilities, from the world. Make a trip to someplace you like to discover yourself” I replied, “ Sir, but, I cannot leave things just like that. I have to take care of Neha.” He said,” Neha is a teenager now. I think she can take care of herself. Or else leave her to your parents. They will take care of her. Other adjustments can be made. Your salary will not be reduced as you will be going in medical leave. So, just let it go. “ The idea sounded pleasing but I felt uncomfortable about the trip. It was just an insane idea to leave all the things that mattered to me and fly away. He understood my discomfort through my face. So he enquired, “ what is it ?” I said, “ don’t you think, the idea is immature? You are suggesting me to just leave things and fly away like a youngster” He replied, “ do you remember what you told me in the interview that day when I said that you were overqualified for the job? You said that you wanted a chance to create an identity for you with so much determination. Only that determination of yours got you the job that day my child. Now, it is all missing in you. You are living just because you have to live. I have seen you eating your lunch in the staff room, so lost and unhappy, like your life was going to end after the lunch. And that’s not how one should live his life. Where is all that determination? Where is all that passion you had? ” I couldn’t reply for this question and again I became silent. At that moment, I realised that I had completely lost myself into the void and I had to take a break to discover my way back to normal. Also, the thought of taking a break made me feel hopeful in a long time. He sensed the change of mood in my face. His smirked and continued,” Now get out of this office and go find yourself”. I smiled. I greeted him and stood up to leave. But, I wanted to ask this one question to him or else it would keep on nagging me. So, before I reached for the doorknob, I turned around and asked the principal, “ Why are you doing this? Why are you helping me?” The principal replied,“ My child, it’s because that I had also been in that situation. If I had taken this decision at the right time in my life, I wouldn’t have lost fifteen years of life. But I was too absorbed in my responsibilities to take care of myself. So, just take a break .” That day, he became the saviour of my life for the second time. Then I said with a smile, “Sir, I am going on medical leave. The requisition mail for the leave will reach by tomorrow morning .” He exclaimed, “ That’s the spirit my child!” Then we both smiled and greeted each other. I opened the door and left the office. He began to continue his work. He usually leaves the office by 5 pm. Then I went to home. I discussed my decision with my parents and to my surprise, they supported my decision without any resentment. That night, I slept for four hours. A week later.... “ Neha, take care of yourself. Don’t trouble grandpa and grandma. I will be back in two weeks” I said. “ Take care mum. Be safe”, Neha replied in all glow and smile. I could give anything for that smile of hers. Neha, my love. Then we hugged each other. It was really difficult for me to leave her. But I have to do so for both of us. I can not continue like that with that void inside me. It might even affect my relationship with Neha. I had to leave, got myself better and returned to Neha as a better mum. “ Take care, darling”, my mum said. My dad hugged me. I loaded my dad’s SUV with the essentials for the trip and got in the car. I inserted the key in the keyhole and the engine revived. I bid them goodbye and pulled the gear. I had decided to go to Bangalore and spend some time there . So, I took the Bangalore highways. I stopped only at the petrol bunks for filling the fuel tank and to get some food. Sometimes I was listening to songs on the radio as I decided not to carry my phone with me or I was listening to songs in my iPod through headphones , to pass the travel time. I was also very worried about Neha. At times, I thought of returning, but the principal's words gave me the spirit to go on. After twelve hours... I didn’t know how I ended up in NH 16. After I reached Bangalore, I didn’t want to stop driving. I just wanted to go with the flow. I liked the wind hitting my face. I liked its smell. It made me feel better. So, I continued to drive. After two days... Hunger or sleep couldn’t stop me from driving. I didn’t bother to call up my parents to inform my whereabouts anymore. In fact, I even stopped thinking about Neha. I hardly took a bathe. I still don't know what gave me the courage to take such a risk to travel so far alone. I was so lost that the distance wasn’t a matter anymore. After four days... I was driving relentlessly. Nobody could have stopped me on that day especially. That night, I was listening to a classic Elvis Presley song my iPod, "ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT?" The first paragraph goes by the verse, “Are you lonesome tonight? Do you miss me tonight? Are you sorry we drifted apart? Does your memories stray to a brighter summer day When I kissed you and called you sweetheart? Do the chairs in your parlour seem empty and bare? Do you gaze at your doorstep and pictured me there? Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again? Tell me, dear, are you lonesome tonight?” After the first paragraph, I felt the heat of the tears welling up in my eyes and I felt a pain in my throat .Then for the second paragraph, I was crying so hard. I was slowly starting to lose my breath because of crying for a long time. My eyes were burning as it went dry. My hands were going numb. I hadn’t eaten in days and the headache as increasing rapidly. I began to feel very weak. I couldn’t stop anywhere because it was midnight. So, I kept driving and crying. That night it was the first time, I ever cried about anything like that because of the pain which was dwelling inside me for more than a year. After divorce, I was running so badly to get things settled for Neha and I, that I never really cared about the pain caused by the separation. I never cried about it once because I wanted to stay strong for Neha. But the pain did created this void inside me . In addition, the fear of leading the rest of life alone after Neha had grown big, made it even worse. So, this time, I didn’t try to stop the tears like I was doing for the past one year. Later, I realised that crying only made me stronger. Now, I never stop my tears After five hours of this meltdown, I opened the window and got my head out of the car to get some fresh air. Above me, I saw the stars which were shinning their fuel out selflessly to give light to its planets. From the age of twelve, those stars have been a part of my sorrow and happiness than anybody else. Now, I make a livelihood with the help of those stars. I remember how I fought with my mum for getting me a telescope and I had carried it with me to the trip. A few more hours later, I saw the most beautiful sunrise of my life. I saw the sun rising above the horizon filling the sky with its yellowish-orange light and my heart with awe and peace. Soon the pain and fear inside were overshadowed by the sunlight. Then my relentless driving came to an end. Nobody, not even Neha knows about this dark four days of my life. The world still believes that I went to Bangalore. Everything came to senses for me then. I couldn’t recognise my surroundings. It was all filled with tall green trees on either side of the road. I couldn’t see a human settlement until evening. In the evening, I saw a village in the far end. I got there by half an hour. When I got into the village, I stopped by a local teashop and asked the chaiwallah about the place and directions for a hotel to stay. He looked like he was in his late forties and it was my luck that he was able to understand and talk Hindi because various states of North India have various dialects and the locals of these states hardly knew Hindi. He said that it was a village in Kamrup district in Assam and to my surprise, he offered me to stay in his house as there were no hotels or lodges to stay. It seemed that I had to travel another hundred kilometres to get to the main city, Guwahati, to get a hotel to stay in. I was confused whether to accept his help. He sensed my confusion and said that it is almost like a tradition in their village to offer help to the tourists like me who travel by road and reassured me that his intentions were pure. I really didn’t think about the consequence of staying in a stranger’s house. I just wanted to go with the flow just like the stars in the night sky. Then he took me to his house. The houses in Assam are known as Ikra house because they use a weed named Ikra in the construction of walls and roofs, which is commonly available in the locality. The chaiwallah's house was a single storey building mostly made of wood materials. His house was identical like the others in the surrounding. When I went inside the house, I was warmly greeted by his wife and his three sons. The wife appeared to be in her late thirties and the three beautiful kids were around the age of ten to twelve. Those kids reminded me of Neha. She would have loved this place. It was almost night when I got settled in the house. Their house had a hall, a kitchen and there were no rooms to sleep. They usually slept in the hall. So, I had to sleep with him in the hall. We had rice and lentils for dinner, my first solid food in four days. Though they had no riches, they were as happy as a rich family. Then we all settled for the night. But I couldn’t sleep. So, I went out with my telescope to see the stars. For a better view, I climbed up my car and sat on its roof. After some time, I heard a voice from below. It was the voice of the youngest kid of the chaiwallah, Amarendar. He asked me with an innocent face, “ what is that thing you are having in your hand?”. The kid's Hindi was too bad that it was difficult to understand his Assamese mixed Hindi. I replied, “ it’s a telescope. It is used to look at the stars more closely”. Then I told him to come up to have a look at it. He came up and I showed him how to use it and I taught about how to look at stars. He learned them with so much interest and passion that I saw the twelve-year-old me in his eyes. Then he asked me, “ How do you know about all these stars? “ I replied, “ These stars had travelled with me in my journey for the past twenty years, through my sorrows, through my happiness. They are almost like my friends, like the ones you have in school. “ He interrupted me and asked me, “ like Bhupinder and Bhushan”. I nodded and then continued, “ We play hide and seek, we eat food together and we help each other during difficult times. We also share secrets with each other about us and that’s how I know about them”. He was amused by my answer and asked me, “Do stars talk to us?”, I replied, “Yes, of course, the sky is filled with a written message from the stars all over the universe. But you should know techniques to decrypt the message, like the treasure hunt game. You should gather clues which will lead to other clues and finally you will reach your treasure.” He could not believe what he heard. Then, he was keeping on asking me questions. After some time, he went into the house to sleep, but I stayed there. I was replaying the conversation that I had with the kid in my head. Then I realized that I should continue to pursue my dream of becoming an astronomer, and this time I should not lose it for anybody. After a few hours, I went to sleep. This was the first time in months that I had slept for eight solid hours. The next day morning, I prepared for leaving to Guwahati. Before I left, I gave them some money for accommodating me and I gave my telescope to Amarendar. I bid my goodbye to them and left the village. That night, I discovered myself again because of the kindness of that family and the innocence of that kid. In this world of crime and injustice, that village is the place of God, if he exists. Then I made my visit to Guwahati. I visited the important tourists part and returned after spending three days in the city. Later, in my other visits to Guwahati, I came to know that Amarendar was really interested in stars. Yes, I still make visits to the village. The family still allow me to stay the night in their place. And obviously, it’s a secret. At present, five years later In Chennai, “ Ms. Sakthi Kumar, we are glad to inform you that you have been awarded the fellow of the royal society award for your significant contributions in the field of astronomy and cosmology, especially for your bold ideas that the mankind dared to imagine for the past three hundred years, about the beginning of the universe in your book , TO INFINITY AND BEYOND “, the mail read.