text: It's a dark, stormy day at the White House. A sign reading "Days Since Last Racist/Sexist/Discriminatory Comment" has been newly added to the front lawn. An unpaid college intern comes out and flips the counter from "1" to "0", all while being viciously whipped by Mike Pence. He then flips the "Record Number of Days" sign from 0 to 1 and curls up in his nearby doghouse while Pence goes back inside. Pence arrives back in the Oval Office to find President Trump with his hands wrapped around the neck of a woman wearing lingerie, too much makeup, and a spot of mysterious white powder on her nose. The woman is breathing normally and tells him that his hands are simply too small to crush her windpipe. He slaps her for such disrespect (she doesn't even flinch), and proceeds to rant at her about how his hands are completely normal. Mike Pence clears his throat and apologizes for interrupting. Trump gets up and hands the woman a dirty wad of cash off the table for fulfilling his fantasy. "Thanks, Melania", he says as he sends her off with his customary handshake, a good ol' American pussy grab. All other ways to shake hands with women have since been outlawed. "What's shakin', Pence-y Poo?" Trump asked, completely unaware of how homoerotic that nickname was. "I wanted to ask how your first day went?", Pence-y Poo replied. "Ah, my first day," Trump mused, "I remember it like it was yesterday." It was yesterday, but Pence didn't say that, because that wouldn't be very funny. Both men flashed back to yesterday's events. It was a bright and sunny day in the white house, with the Obama family and Joe Biden packing up to leave. Michelle Obama was holding Biden back with her enormous arms, as he screamed things like "Not my president!" while firing nerf guns into the air. Michelle took the guns away, but Biden pulled out another pair. They had no idea where he kept getting them from. Meanwhile, Barack Obama took one last look at the White House and sighed, as Trump entered behind him, drinking a Coke. Oh, but not the Coke you're familiar with- the REAL Coke, that only billionaires can afford. The one with the gold flakes in it that poor people's tax dollars pay for. Finishing up, Trump threw the can on the White House lawn, where it landed at Barack's feet. He picked it up, and a single tear rolled down his face. The family watched helplessly as the Trumps took their place, with the weather above the House immediately changing from sunny to stormy as they did. Back in the present day, the two men laughed, enjoying the memory, as they returned to their business. Trump picked up a newspaper off his desk and looked at it. "Trump Approval Ratings Starting at Lowest of Any President", the headline said. Trump shook his head. He'd have to go tweet the phrase "FAKE NEWS" in all caps again to take care of this one. After all, how is a billionaire entertainer-turned-President supposed to get enough attention if he doesn't tweet with his caps lock on six times a day? Trump shook his head, he just couldn't understand it. Why didn't America like being pissed on? After all, Trump sure did.