text: A FAMOUS FOOD CRITIC MASSACRES AN ENTIRE RESTAURANT, STAFF AND GUESTS, BECAUSE OF THE HORRIBLE FOOD It's kind of sick humour but whatever, here goes... "Was that a large with coke?" "Ye- what? No. Give me a medium, I can't afford that shit." "That'll be ten ninety five thanks, drive on through." Just another day on the headset. Handling miscommunication, getting beef from customers and multi-tasking my ass off. "Twenty six dollars seventy?!!" "You ordered three family meal deals." "I'm a big boy alright!" "Easy, I wasn't challenging your life choices, just explaining why it costs that much." Far out. For all I knew he could easily have had a large family hiding in that tinted SUV but apparently diet was a touchy subject for him. "My son nearly died choking on one of your waffle cones! I want a $50 bribe now or I'll sue Burger King for all it's worth!!" "Um, first of all this is the drive through, if you have any complaints you should take them to the manager. Second, you're not in the states anymore lady. The legal system in New Zealand doesn't really work like thaaaaaa..." I froze mid-sentence, my jaw dangling open like a Burmese python. Out of the corner of my eye I had just seen one of our customers fall down to his knees and then collapse on the pavement as I was speaking. "Like what?" the rude lady demanded, completely oblivious. The man was convulsing on the ground now, clutching his chest and gasping. A girl nearby caught sight of him and rushed over, pulling out her phone to call emergency services. I was too shocked to say anything more than a weak, "That dude does not look okay..." before blood started pooling around his torso and he stopped moving. The American lady turned round in her seat to follow my line of vision and screamed. She was just in time to see the girl with the phone get jolted by a sudden impact in her back and fall over in a similar manner. "Get down!" I commanded, "Now! Somebody out there has a silenced firearm." The lady stared at me blankly, paralysed in terror and unbelief. "Do it!" She finally responded and lurched out of the family car, closing the door behind her and crouching between the vehicle and the drive-through window. Panic started spreading through the carpark as people saw the bodies laying lifeless near the double doors and ran for cover. Some reached for their phones and were immediately fired upon and added to the growing list of casualties. My head spinning with fear and confusion I spun around and stepped out of my cashier cubicle into the restaurant. People inside were confused at the noise and unsure how to respond. No gunshots had been heard but it was clear to customers and staff alike that some hectic shit was going down. Before I could shed any light on the situation a window shattered and another customer slumped face-first into her sundae with a bullet hole clean through her skull. The result was immediate, it seemed that every person in the room had a different idea for the best course of action and they all tried to execute it at once. A schoolgirl yelped something incoherent and jumped backwards into her friend who got a mouthful of hair and sore teeth. Skinny teenage mum grabbed bubba from her pram and crouched under the table, probably the wisest move. One of the Shirley High boys kicked open the main entrance doors and bolted, only to be shot in the leg after a few paces. Chubby scooter boy muttered something about "gangsta shit" and flattened himself against the back wall next to the fizzy dispenser, pumping out as many free refills as possible in his last moments on earth. Mr Hi-Vis with the tattoo sleeve grabbed the remains of his burger and vaulted the counter to grab the ancient landline telephone we keep by the grill. My buddy Dee had moments ago been taking an order only to find himself dodging Hi-Vis and slapping an underage Mongrel Mob wannabe away from the open cash register. Then I noticed the dark form striding towards the double doors: a slender figure dressed in sooty jeans, glossy black leather high boots, black hoodie and a grey bandana over her nose and mouth. ...and an assault rifle in hand. Without a second thought she unleashed her first clip of bullets into the restaurant, spraying the premises in a deadly hail of shrapnel and jagged glass and tearing the doors from their hinges. The schoolgirls jumped behind a seat and avoided the worst of it. Hi-Vis was yelling something aggressive into the telephone, I just hoped it was the police that he'd called and not his mum or something. Mongrel boy took a bullet in the leg and flipped some intimidating gang signs. Scooter kid was sculling his fourth cup of coke mixed with L&P while the drinks dispenser started leaking from bullet holes. Dee was characteristically unfazed by the whole situation, this was East Side after all. The offender busted through the doors and threw down her gun, drawing a lengthy katana from a sheath on her back. What happened next was too gruesome to describe but let's just say that she was a martial arts master and very soon Dee and I were the only survivors. "Who... who are you?" I stammered. She barked out a short ugly laugh and took off the bandana, revealing a face that I knew only from cheesy reality TV. "Nigella Lawson!" I gasped, "Why?!" "Fast food is the devil," she replied, "I am saving you from a fate worse than death." And then she stabbed me in the eyeball and I bled out. Oh sorry, I said I wouldn't describe it... whoops.