text: It began as a child, barely able to walk and we were already pitted against one another. Games, meant for entertainment became as essential as the air I breathe. I don’t know if that’s when the fire was lit or if it was always smouldering in the background. I think it was always there, waiting for me. That urge that need to beat them, the need to win. At the start I lost, I always lost. I could not win; I could not contain my rage, my fire. I broke rackets, I broke windows, I broke controllers, I yelled, I cried, and yet the option of quitting did not even enter my subconscious. I became ravenous in my pursuit of winning. It wasn’t about the game, it was about the person, I needed to crush them. I wanted to laugh at them, I wanted to put them beneath my shoe where they belonged. I taught myself how to focus on weaknesses, how to exploit your opponent physically but also mentally. I learned how to rip my opponents to shreds, the angrier they got the more confident I was. How could they possibly compete with me; who lies awake every night thinking how to destroy them. They are imposters, trying to mimic what I am, but they fail, they always fail. I learned how to win, and I learned how to hurt. Always angry, always arrogant in my own abilities. When logic showed me superior opponents, it was my anger that surfaced that allowed me to dismantle them. They were playing the game the way it was meant to be played, perfect technique, ritualistic, and cool headed. I played the player, getting in their heads, disrupting their calm, getting in their face. I was the nightmare they hoped not to meet. Playing fair is not part of the agreement, I play to win and will do anything necessary to see myself victorious. Challenging them as they’d never been challenged before. Ferocity and confidence oozing out of my face, never backing down. I was the perfect competitor. Ready to tear into anyone, rage never dwindling. It was with me always, seeing people’s weakness, dissecting them into their primal fears, able to strike at a moments notice. My weapon and strength which brought me so much success turned inwards as I realized there was no off switch. I was brought up to learn how to break people not care for them, not love them. Sowing discord and fear were my talents, my god-given specialty. Seeing weaknesses in loved ones, seeing weaknesses in friends, constantly eating away at you to strike. I was a predator, I am a predator, constantly waiting to strike, waiting for a challenge, waiting to break someone knew. Silence and control were all that allowed me to fit in regular society. But how can you control all that rage, all the time? You don’t, you slip up and you lose friends, you lose loved ones because to be the perfect competitor is to be broken.