text: “My chest hurts” I tell the doctor. “It feels like something is trying to escape”. “Hmm... I’m not seeing anything. I don’t hear or feel anything. Without any more symptoms, I’m afraid I can’t help. Hopefully it goes away on its own”. I go through life with this pain. It comes in waves. Some days I hardly notice it, other days it’s unbearable and I can’t do anything but lie in bed. This heavy feeling, like I’m being suffocated, is torturous. I feel it moving inside my body. I swear I’ve seen something push against my chest. Doctors never find anything no matter how many tests they do. Some say it’s even in my head. Walking the halls of school feels terrible. It feels like everyone can see the pain and yet no one sees me at all. I feel invisible and yet entirely exposed. My grades slip. They don’t take ‘chest parasite’ as an excuse though. “You just need more focus. If you would actually pay attention and do the work, you would excel just like you used to”. I used to do amazing. I used to have straight A’s in everything. I used to be motivated and hopeful. I had things I aspired to do. But this pain is so distracting. This pressure and choking feeling make it difficult to focus on anything. The worst part is, I don’t think it’s just a chest parasite. I think it truly is a living creature that grows. I think it controls my choices and actions. I find that sometimes, this creature makes bad decisions for me. I feel like everyone can see it and it upsets people so I stop going out as much. I tell my mom this and she shrugs it off. It’s always shrugged off. It’s no big deal to her, and I don’t even talk to dad. He’d just say I need to man up. But it’s inside me, eating away. I feel it, I hear it, I know it’s there. My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday. I kept trying to tell her about the parasite but she couldn’t see it. She said I changed, that I was exhausting and a burden. At least that’s what I heard. Why couldn’t she see the parasite? It feels like it’s going to burst out of my chest. It constricts my heart, creating bizarre rhythms that feel like a heart attack waiting to happen. I can’t control how exhausting I am, so I guess I’ll stay at home more. I won’t bother finding another girlfriend or making new friends. The old ones left; I became too much of a drain to be around. One night, lying in bed, I feel it move inside me. It likes to remain hidden, make everyone see me as insane. But it tortures me. It plays with me. I watch as it moves in my chest, a small bump sliding under my skin. It moves down my stomach and to my thighs. I feel a sharp slice as a gash appears. I never see the parasite, but it just cut me. It opened me up in a thin red ribbon. It knows, no one will see this. It knows I won’t show anyone. They all think I’m crazy, so why bother. It does another cut. It hurts, but it almost feels good. Sometimes it turns my emotions off, makes me numb. It’s allowing me to feel this pain and I almost enjoy feeling something. I wear pants the next week. I decide to hide the parasite, pretend it doesn’t exist. I don’t speak to anyone anymore. I feel insane, how can someone not notice a creature living inside of me. I have no friends; my ex-girlfriend has blocked me. My teachers have stopped trying to get me to participate. I go home and lie in bed. I don’t sleep. I just stare at the ceiling, thinking through my choices in life. The parasite grows bigger, clutching my heart and lungs. Sometimes I can’t breathe. I almost enjoy the ritual of it slicing my legs and arms. It feels normal. I feel like I can finally see it. No one else does. I stand on a bridge. The water cools the air to an almost painful temperature but I hardly notice. I only notice the pain. The parasite hasn’t let go of my heart in 3 days now. It hurts. I would cry, but I can’t. I feel empty. There’s only one way to end this pain, one way to escape. I’ve written a note, letting my parents know that the parasite finally got me. I feel almost happy. I’m excited to not feel this pain in my chest, my brain, my stomach anymore. I’m confused though. The parasite seems almost happy too. Like this is what it wants. Like this is what it’s been pushing me to do for so long. No matter, as it’s finally time to end the parasite. I’ve been invisible my whole life. No one saw the parasite, no one realized the pain even when I tried to explain it. No one realized that the reason I was so exhausting as a person was that I felt so much pain all the time from this parasite. No one realized that the reason I never hung out with them wasn’t because I hated them, but because I hated myself. Maybe the parasite isn’t real. It felt real to me but I was told it’s in my head. I tried exercise, I tried dieting, I tried going outside and socializing. Just like my dad told me. It didn’t work. It helped, but the parasite stayed there, holding on. I jump. The parasite finally lets go of my heart. I finally can breathe again.