text: TW: violence My mom’s last words were, “Every pain that we shared was for you. If you ever want to build a family, find yourself someone that mirrors you. Find someone and love her the way I loved you.” She was all that I have and so upon her death, the world had left nothing for me. There was no one to care for me anymore. No one to comb my thinning hair. There was no one to help me stitch an open wound once I suffered another. It is hard as well to chop food with this two-fingered left hand. We had lived in this wooden hut in the filthiest outskirt of town. Black waters of industrial waste ensured that the river cannot support a single sprout of any crop. Our picket fence never did hinder anything from trespassing our grounds. Looters would come and ransack our defenseless house, the equally starving would kneel for a meal’s share, and some people would just come in for our beating just to sate their bloodlust. The only visitors we aren’t bothered with were fat canal rats caught in our traps which would sustain our day. But my mom would hug me and assure me that all that’s happening was a way to toughen myself up. Her smile was the strengthening potion I needed. From then, everything that reminded me of her uproots a pain I always try to bury. But not this time. I thought I would be alone for eternity until I saw your face. Your smile was very reminiscent of hers. Do you know you both have thin lips but a deep cupid’s bow? It is uncanny how your nose has the same pointed form. Your dark eyes, I would say, are far more beautiful than hers. Hers I thought were carbonado but yours was the polished one. I did everything to have you and finally, you were here rested beside me. I would do everything to keep you with me. I caressed your face with my hand. I removed strands of your silken hair off of your lovely face. I’d love to stare more at its purest state. I flinched for you woke up. Quickly you sat on the bed with your body tightly adhered to the wall. Your body shrunk and your thin limbs trembled. I might have frightened you out of your rest. “Wha-what ...” your speech stuttered. After your deep breath came a moment of calm. “What are you doing? It is quite early for your nighttime visit don’t you think?” “Yes, that is so.” I squinted my eye and can’t help but look at your restless hands behind your back. “Are there bed bugs once more? Your hands seem to itch a spot furiously.” Your shaking voice shifted to an unwavering one. You gulped, “Now tell me why are you this early.” “I came here for your meal. Look, I prepared something special for you. I want my family to feel that they are loved.” I grabbed the tray with my right hand and tried to help it balance with my left. On top of it is a meal along with a glass of water. “What is it?” “It is not a rat this time. I tell you with all honesty. This is chicken!” “Why?” your eyes pierce. “What is with all this question?” I raised my voice upon your gratuitous skepticism. “Aren’t you happy I’m giving you a meal that I’ve never eaten more than the count of our fingers? What do you want me to do this time? You are making me mad! It was very thoughtful of me to provide you with something delicious for being a good girl!” “Calm down! I still am your good girl.” “Now fucking eat this up before I can’t control myself.” I left the tray above the bed, stood up, and started walking towards the door. “Wait!” she beckoned. “I would love you to feed me this time.” You know that I cannot refuse such orders from your sweet voice. “Please.” I went back and offered you a forkful of meat. “Open wide!” A sudden jolt rushed down my nerves. My eye whirled with rapidity and my vision became the whirs of a defective television. A loud ringing was all I can hear. Blood spurted out of my neck tainting your devilish smile with crimson. Your eyes glare with satisfaction. As if that wasn’t enough, you lifted your knife and swung it without hesitation but I blocked it with my hand. “You fucking open wide!” You stole the knife I carried on the tray and the next thing I felt was a loose jaw. Air started to inflict pain on my left cheek and the cold felt colder on my exposed gums. With your limping gait, you scampered out of the room. “Rot in hell, you monster!” “You will never get away!” How can you run with a weak leg? You made me laugh. I thought you were the one to stay with me through the years but I guess I’ll just force you once again to doing so. Wasn’t it enough that I severed three of your fingers for you not to be afraid of me? Do I need now to slit your fucking mouth wider the same as what you did to me? What deception! It really seemed you were becoming a good girl. I shouldn’t have released you from your shackles. Do you think this would kill me? My mother had cut my fingers for me when they started to rot because of an infection. She even plucked an eye of mine out and sold it in the black market. I take a beating every day you fucking moron! My lovely mother does know what’s best for me. She prepared me for this. I ran outside the house and looked for you in the darkness. The barren fields were wide and it wouldn’t take long for me to find you, especially with all the bear traps dispersed under a thin cover of soil. I tried sniffing the air just in case I can detect your lovely scent. A muffled groan excited my blood. Like a werewolf, the increasing sound of its prey draws me closer. And so I walked and walked, then ran the moment I saw a dark silhouette of yours. You don’t know how much my heart beats the more you tremble. Cry for me more. “What happened to you? You inflicted this upon you yourself!” I sat in front of you and once again, I removed the strands of your hair that blocked a beautiful view. “I told you to be a good girl. But what did you do?” I bellowed as I pointed a knife to your face, “What did you fucking do?” “Pi-please don’t kill me. I assure you that I’ll behave.” Your soft voice touched my heart anew. “You really are a sweet girl. Do you promise that --” You slammed a rock onto my face but this time I immediately retaliated with a punch. “You were beyond salvation.” I grabbed your hair and slammed your face onto the cold hard ground. Your eyes turned languid and your nose bled. I guess there’s no helping it. An eye for an eye. I held the knife firmly and with its tip touched the sclera of your eyes. A drop of blood tells me that your screams weren’t a lie. “Don’t! Please don’t! We are family right?” Your words echoed like music. “Let me hear it again?” “We ... are ... family ...” I never knew I’ll ever hear those sweetest words again in my lifetime. I don’t want to hurt the person I want to build a family with. I dropped the knife. “Let’s go home. Shall we?”