text: You are having a malady. This isn’t the first or the last, but you are having a malady. Your ailment may be any number of things. But you are having a malady. Put pressure on your joints and run a bath. There are a number of reasons why you might be sick, but rest assured we are aware of your injury and/or pain - use the toggle buttons to select the cause, because you are having a malady. Our team of doctors are on hand to help you out with your headache, cold, flu, deep depression, spiraling anxiety...you are having a malady. Stay calm. Pick up your medication, hopes, dreams, legs from across the room...you are having a malady. Our in-house strategy consultants ask that you stay calm and think about your childhood, unless that childhood was painful, then feel free to think about a comedy, song, or especially delicious sandwich. The point is, we are here for you, because you are having a malady. Avoid any urges to administer any drugs not prescribed to you; this includes alcohol and Children’s Tylenol. You are not to binge eat, cut yourself, or giggle at plants you think may be alive. You are not to bundle your problem up - there are a team of family technicians that will be on the way to help you adjust to your pain in the confines of your friends and family. They will be notified, because you are having a malady. If you haven’t called the proper authorities and medical professionals by now, we will now call them for you. Please use the drop-down menu to choose your malady. We will wait, because you are having a malady. If you have arrived here by mistake, please notify us using the Help icon at the top of this hologram. We would rather non-malady users to stay away from this site unless a malady occurs. Our service is free, and we’d like it to stay that way. If you still believe you are having a malady, please continue to hold and our holographic interface will continue to linger around your head. If your head is no longer intact, then speak “Missing Head” aloud and we will adjust the position of the hologram. If you are missing limbs, arms, hands, feet, etc. and need an adjustment, please speak the words “Disability” and our team of holographic assistants will assist you with your needs. If your malady is a mental ailment, please take a few minutes to make sure you are not hallucinating. It is quite possible this is all in your head... This malady.