text: Living just down the road from my grandparents never felt more important than in that moment I sipped tea with my grandmother, Bubby, while she told me of her missing laptop. “There wasn’t much on the thing be honest, your grandfather thought it would change our lives and could barely turn the damn thing on.” My grandpa, Bopo, scooted himself out of his La-Z-Boy recliner, somehow in immaculate condition after years of heavy use, and made for the recently knocked upon door with a grunt of disapproval. “Well regardless,” I said restraining a chuckle while trying to convey the gravity of the situation, “someone was in here while you were away. Imagine what could have happened if you were home. You’re getting a security system, and a dog and that’s that.” “Oh now don’t you ‘that’s that me,’ son, you don’t know the first thing about it. If I was a better, I’d put my money on that being those sweet boys from uSurance with a brand new laptop for us an’ we don’t even need it!” “Bubby no ones going to be bringing you a new laptop, we haven’t even reported it missing yet. Are you feeling okay?” “If you are questioning my mental health you better be prepared for a world of hurt. They take good care of us at uSurance, Robert, you trust me. It was a hefty payment back then, one THOUSAND dollars, but they promised coverage for EACH and EVERY thing, and they kept their promise.” My heart sank. A thousand dollars? How could they fall for that? I’d let them down, big time. “Bubby please tell me the money didn’t actually go through? You know that’s a scam, how could anyone afford to cover everything?!” “Settle your tone son, just look over at your grandpa’s recliner and tell me it’s a scam. Lever onnit broke one day and not even an hour later, no phone call or nothing, and uSurance brought a brand new chair no questions asked.” The chair was in mint condition, but Bopo must have been taking care of it. He always taught me to maintain my belongings, clean them, replace their parts so they worked properly. Surely Bubby’s mental state was slipping fast if she couldn’t even remember that. Why hadn’t I been told of this? She seemed so normal besides this uSurance nonsense, maybe Bopo hadn’t even noticed. “Bubby when’s the last time you’ve seen your doctor...” I started, trailing off as Bopo waddled into the room with a laptop under his arm. “I told you not bother Robert, uSurance came as quick as they could, not even a problem now.” Truthfully he probably couldn’t have maintained that recliner for as nonchalantly as he tried to say this, both carrying the laptop and walking from the foyer had left him out of breath. Bubby didn’t seem to notice the concern grow on my face as she continued, “Well Robert told us to let him know if anything happens, and I thought it might be nice to see him more often. Where are you going now, Robert?” I’d gotten up from the kitchen table and rushed now to and out the front door. I managed to glimpse a white van make a left turn onto the main road, a plain block letter logo printed on the side. uSurance. I stood shocked on their porch for a time, knowing no answers they could give me would make this make sense. * * * Several months had passed and I had learned one thing above all else, uSurance covers each and every thing. Watches, sheets, televisions, thermometers, fish tanks, even the FISH. I’d learned something else too, they are very hard to follow. For driving around in an oversized work van, their drivers could flow through traffic like they were in control of it... And I was starting to believe they were. They had one flaw though; they always took the same route to and from their warehouse and my grandparents. Following that graceful van seemed impossible, but when I found out that pattern I could wait at the last known corner, gain extra ground by spying the corner they come onto that street from, and picking up the chase from there on their way back. Another problem presented itself with my grandparents refusal to help in my plans, by willfully destroying their property. uSurance response times are too quick to destroy something myself and make it to the last known location in time. So I had to develop time released traps based on my grandparents habits to destroy their things for me. One particular spring loaded trap left Bubby with a broken finger, and unacceptably late for her tea, when the launched kitchen drawer shocked her vintage kettle out of her hands but also jammed perfectly perpendicular into her finger. Sorry Bubby, I love you. Today it’s all been worth it though. Today I watch as three foreign looking men pull into a laughably small and unmarked warehouse esque building. I refrain from calling it a “warehouse” as it looked only large enough to contain a manufacturing facility for a single graphic tee kiosk. This only confirmed I had the right place. All the wasted questions on my grandparents, postal service employees, police. All the sleepless nights wondering who my grandparents could have stumbled upon. It all built up toiling from my heart, from the singular knowledge that this is not right, something is not right. All that feeling surged beneath the skin of my outstretched hand as I reached for warehouse door. My whole body pulsed with adrenaline as the knob turned, unlocked. My vision shook and sweat started to glisten across my forehead as the door creaked open. I wanted to scream as an unsuspecting lobby started to reveal itself, but nothing came out. I stepped inside. * * * I was nothing, and I was everything. My grandparents, everything I had broken and had been replaced, their home, my home, my wife, my children they were all gone, and at the same time in the exact same place they had always been. Here in the electrical pulses of the worlds cpu. My entire universe just a simulation to test the success rate of integrating an non-pseudoreality jeopardizing automatic material replacement program to increase dream state organic specimens happiness optimization. The data currently being compressed into a spreadsheet will determine the worth of this exercise... and of my life. How I wish I could see the result. Curious.