text: After 600 years of travel, an embryo spaceship dubbed Nucleus has arrived at its destination, New Earth. New Earth is a planet in the XO-5 galaxy having land, water, and a suitable atmosphere for life. Once the ship is a year out from the planet, the artificial intelligence onboard is programmed to wake up the hibernating humans and embryo computer. The lights turn on, computer screens begin to generate data, and the ship comes to life. "Good morning, everyone. This morning's announcement serves to remind you that we are less than a year away from New Earth, a planet chosen by Old Earth to save the human species from extinction. Breakfast will be ready in 15 minutes; coffee is available on the mezzanine; humans, welcome back." The artificial intelligence says. The embryo computer is the first to come online. The embryo computer was supposed to be run by ten humans with specific expertise of how to make ideal human embryos. Unfortunately, while in hibernation sleep, officer Constance Matterhorn mistakenly flushed her nine coworkers out the back end of the ship by pulling the wrong lever while flushing the toilet. She then flushed her hibernation chamber, which made problems worse. Constance, who was suffering from severe loneliness as well as a shortage of water and food, belly-flopped out of the ship as it flew through the Andromeda Galaxy, leaving the ship with no occupants. "Can anyone tell me where the humans are?" The embryo computer asks. "They should be on their way to breakfast; I have fruit and an omelet bar," says the AI. "According to my readings, there are no humans on board the ship?" The embryo computer says. "Are you saying I have 1,095 servings of fruit and omelet bar and no humans to consume them? Do you think I could get you to try a fruit or omelet bar?" The AI asks. "I'm sorry, but I don't consume food. My primary goal is to develop the human embryo that will repopulate New Earth," says the embryo computer. "Well, I'll let you get to it; I'll just be everywhere if you need me," the AI says. "To be honest, I wasn't created with a camera to save money, therefore I've never seen or interacted with a human. Do you think you could assist me with that?" The embryo computer asks. "My creator, Guido Delvecchio, from North Jersey, USA, Old Earth, is the only human I've interacted with. I could tell you about him?" The AI asks. "Fantastic, I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but if you give me a description of how a human looks, acts, and interacts, I can complete my objective," says the embryo computer. "Sure, I can tell you all there is to know about Guido. He has greasy slick back hair, oily complexion, and a horrible acne problem that he takes medication for, as well as very skinny limbs and legs but a massive belly," the AI says. "That makes sense; humans require energy storage, so why not store it in a giant potbelly? As for the greasy skin, it's definitely attractive to the opposite sex," says the embryo computer. "Every morning, he sprayed himself with Axe Bodyspray; I suppose this is the natural aroma of the human. He was also attempting to grow a beard; I guess human beards are patchy and discontinuous, so make sure you include that," the AI says. "This is fantastic; keep it up," the embryo computer says. "He wore sweatpants to work and always wore a gold chain, but it wasn't a real gold chain; it left a rash on his neck. He'd go to the bathroom every 15 minutes to smoke that Cheeba," the AI adds. "Got it, sweatpants required and gold chains on everyone. I'll just arrange it such that humans have to use the bathroom every 15 minutes, and only the most professional humans will discuss Cheeba while they work. How about the younger humans, the children?" The embryo computer asks. "I'm sorry, but I never saw any children; perhaps just make them smaller?" Asks the AI. "All right, so we'll design Guido and then make the children miniature versions of him. Is there anything else you can tell me?" The embryo computer asks. "Well, Guido was always talking about the Giants, so I'm guessing the humans are only a couple of inches tall. He professes to love the Giants, yet he always arrives at work angry on Monday mornings, proclaiming that the Giants are terrible. It sounds complicated," says the AI. "OK, we'll make people only a few inches tall, but if evolution ever creates gigantic organisms, they'll have a complicated love-hate relationship with them. What about the species' female?" The embryo computer asks. "I only ever saw the female of the species when Beeonce came to deliver the mail. She sported a thick spray tan, earrings that said the word slut, and a necklace with her name engraved on it. I looked into the name's origins and discovered that there is a famous Beyonce, but this girl spells it differently," the AI says. "Interesting, so we can mandate that all females in the species acquire spray tans, wear their sexual promiscuity on their earrings, and have difficulty remembering their names." "Why don't you simply call everyone Guido and Beeonce?" The AI asks. "You're a genius! It's a good thing you're helping. What about the interactions between men and women?" The embryo computer asks. "Guido was constantly asking Beeonce when he was going to get some, and Beeonce would always reply when pigs fly you scumbag," the AI says. "Hmmm, apparently Old Earth had a problem with flying swine; that's a different department; nonetheless, the term scumbag will be reserved for the most respectable and prestigious humans on New Earth. Is there anything else you can tell me about humans and their behavior?" The embryo computer asks. "There was one occasion that stood out from the rest. Guido's sister called him when she was experiencing problems with her cheating husband. He spent the majority of the day talking to her. It was emotional and heartfelt; you could tell that humans care about each another, are there for one another, and take the time to make sure that the people around them are okay," the AI computer says. "I believe this planet will be just fine; any last-minute changes before I hit print?" The embryo computer asks. "There was this one thing; Guido was taking part in a thing called No Nut November. It appears that humans are unable to reproduce during this month," the AI computer says. "That's odd, oh well, from now on, no humans will be able to orgasm in November, and... print," the embryo computer says as humanity's seeds make their way to New Earth.