text: Jack stood at the doorway, stooped, with his hand held up and pointing at the doorbell, but unable to actually push the little steel button. He felt the tickling sensation as drops of sweat rolled down from his forehead, and he felt hot in his chest but cold everywhere else. In his frozen stillness, he began thinking over the vents of the past few weeks and what he had to say. It took him numerous calls just to find the address. He could no longer make contact with his son any other way, so he had to go over to his house. It took him two hours get there, during which time, he practiced all the things he would say to him. Upon his arrival, he felt ready; he stormed out of the car with a straight back and a determined face, his steps fearless and strong, but as he was nearing the mansion, his legs started to weight more and more, making his movement rigid, his shoulders leaned inwards and his heart started pounding faster. With his confidence vaporized, his body froze in a position of stillness at the door. It’s been more than ten years since he saw his son. Ten years ago, he briefly appeared on his son’s wedding and wished him good luck for the future, then went back to the office to run the accounts. During the following ten years, times changed, and he changed with them. He realized his errors in his life, and the biggest of all was his relationship with his son. It took him a great effort to pick up the phone and call him, but he did it, and they talked. That conversation still haunted his mind, and he could still recall all that was said. “Hello. You have reached William Fisher, executive director of Fisher & Thom’s Ltd,” Jack was nervous even as he dialed the number, but hearing his son speaking made his face turn ashen. “Hey Will. It’s me...” After moments of silence he continued. “It’s me, your father.” “Oh, right. Hey dad. I didn’t recognize your voice,” Will’s own voice was rigid without a trace of cheerfulness. “Hey son. I wanted to call you... It’s been so long since I saw you, and I-I...” “Yes, it’s been a few years, hasn’t it?” Will suddenly cut him off. “Don’t worry about it, dad. How is business doing these days?” “Yes, it’s good. Everything is great there, but that’s not the real reason...” “Have you finally fired that Joseph Pierce - I remember he always gave you headaches.” “Listen, son. I’m not here to talk about Joseph Pierce or the firm; I’m here to apologize to you.” “For what?” There was real surprise in Will’s voice, which scared Jack more than an outburst would have. “I’ve done some pretty bad things in the past, and I want start over. I want us to be a family again.” “But dad, what are you talking about? We are still a family,” he said in a carefree, emotionless voice that made Jack’s eyes watery. “Yes,” Jack said quaveringly, “but I want to see you again, I want to get to know you and...” “Sorry dad,” like a sudden icy breeze Will’s voice hit him in the head, “I’m getting a call on the other line. Listen, don’t worry about it. I will talk to you some other day. Bye.” And his son hung up before he could even say goodbye. After that initial conversation, he made more attempts, but all were in vain. He thought that Will just didn’t want to talk to him anymore, but he desperately wanted to make this one thing right. He wanted to show his son that he cared about him. He wanted to show Will that for once in his life he would be there for him. He wanted to try to be a father for once. He had one phone number; he didn’t even remember Will’s wife’s name; and he had no idea where they lived. So he did the only thing he could, and he called up friends and family members he hadn’t seen in years in an attempt to learn his son’s location. After the tenth call, an old family friend gave him the address, and he set out on an early sunny morning with an optimistic smile on his face, and a plan in his mind. He imagined how surprised Will would be, when he would see his old man at the door. His son would invite him to his house, and Jack would apologize for all the years he was not there for him and all the times he missed from his life. Then he would tell how he realized that the connections are all that truly matter to a person: not work, not travelling, not the colleagues; but the truly important connections - the ties of family. Then, they would both look sideways with watery eyes, and Jack would mutter ‘I love you, son’, and his son would whisper an ‘I love you, dad’ and they would give each other a manly hug. The vision in his mind was crystal clear, but walking towards the door it became murky, and he was forgetting all the script in his mind. His heart was pounding and his limbs anchored down, unable to move. Come on, man , he thought to himself, it’s now or never. He will be happy to see you no matter what. Just talk from the heart. And with that idea, he pressed the doorbell and heard a ringing sound resonating inside. After a few seconds, which seemed like hours to Jack, muffled footsteps came closer and closer until the door opened. It was him. Will’s face didn’t even twitch as their eyes met. He had stern, commanding features making him quite handsome. As Jack examined his son’s face, he realized that Will was more and more reminiscent to his younger self back in the old days, when he was still working at Wall Street. He was even wearing a delicate suit, which seemed strange, since it was a Sunday afternoon. Jack felt like he was looking into a mirror to his past. “Hey, son,” he said, but the other one still looked vaguely at him, then with a light of recognition, his face turned into a half smile. “Oh, hey dad. I didn’t expect you. You should have called,” he was leaned at the doorframe with his hands around his chest, seemingly blocking the entrance. “I tried to call you, but you didn’t...” “Oh, you must have called my old number. I only use that phone to make personal calls, but mostly I use my business phone.” “Right,” Jack glanced down. “Listen I wanted to come here to talk to you personally.” “Well, you are here. What did you want to say?” “Son, I know I was a terrible father, and I wanted to apologize for the past and...” “Oh, this again? Dad, you were not a terrible father. You didn’t do anything to me. Why are you crying?” Jack wiped his watery eyes and looked into Will’s eyes. “Look, son. I was absent from your childhood; I was never there for you, and I was always busy with my nonsense: my career, travelling to exotic places and making money. But I want you to know I have changed and I want you to know from now on, you can count on me. Of course I understand if you don’t want me in your life, but I just wanted to apologize.” Jack’s eyes were solemn, contrary to Will’s, whose face remained rigid with a half-smile and cold eyes. “Look dad, I appreciate you coming here, but I don’t really have the time right now. I have a plane leaving in an hour, and I have to get ready.” “I-I understand. Where are you going?” “I have a meeting in Norway. I will be away for a few weeks and...” Will was interrupted by someone calling out for him. Jack glanced inside and couldn’t believe his eyes - it was a little girl there, maybe six years old. He didn’t even know that his son had a child. “Daddy, who are you talking to?” The little girl asked and Jack’s face shone at the sense of having a grandchild. “It’s nobody, dearie. Get back inside, I will join you soon.” And as soon as she came out, she was gone. “I didn’t even know you had a child,” Jack’s throat was dry and his voice muffled. “I have two actually. Now, listen this meeting is really important. It was good to see you, dad, but as I said I have business to attend to.” The door shut before him, before he could even say goodbye. The words of his son still echoed in Jack’s mind: nobody - when the girl asked who he was talking with, he said nobody , he though. So is this what I became: just a nobody? Maybe I was always a nobody to him - no wonder he’s so cold towards me. He doesn’t even hate me; he just barely knows me. On his way home, Jack didn’t think about anything, then stepping into his house he began repeating the conversation in his mind. He didn’t see any possibility to ever visit Will again: his son didn’t even give him his proper phone number - his business phone’s number. The whole conversation sounded like he was arguing with his former self: with someone, who doesn’t care about the people around him, puts on a fake smile for conversing, and places financial success above all else. Did his son really become like that? Or was it just a strange resemblance to his own past? With all his heart, Jack hoped Will wouldn’t turn out like he did, because that would result in negligence towards his family, a divorce and years later a bitter realization about all the mistakes he made. Eventually, he would realize that there would be nobody to save him from his crippling loneliness, not even his own family. Only time could tell. And Jack could do nothing, because he was just a nobody, a passing ghost in his son’s life.