text: Chad hears the sound of construction equipment as he's doing his third leg workout. “What the frick?! I can't get swole with all this racket!” He thought agitatedly. Chad left his elliptical machine to go check out what was going on outside. What he found was a construction crew complete with a wrecking ball and bulldozer preparing to tear down his favorite Gold’s Gym! He screamed at the top of his lungs, “What the heck guys?! This is so frickin bogus!” at the sound of the B-word, an overweight girl in overly tight clothing stepped out from the sidelines and said, “What the frick? My guy!? You can’t just go around throwing the gosh darn b-word around all willy nilly you absolute dingus!” Chad looked her up and down skeptically and said, “Who the flip are you supposed to be? I've seen whale watching videos before and it looks like you need to be put back in the bay with your kind.” Stacy stared daggers at Chad and said, “How dare you say that to me! I am Stacy “The G” Albright and my dad knows all sorts of powerful people who can have you killed you dumbo!” Stacy exclaimed, outraged. “ I bet your dad had to drop a couple “G” to get enough grease to get you into those clothes!” Chad said. Chad was too distracted by his fire roasts directed at Stacy that he didn’t even notice her signal the wrecking crew to tear down the Gold’s Gym. It wasn’t until he heard the first crash of the wrecking ball that made him finally snap out of his trance of self-confidence. Chad spun around on his heels and screamed as he saw the wrecking ball going in for another swing. He tried to run and jump in front of it but he was too slow. He tripped on some rubble and skinned his knee, immobilizing him so all he could do is watch in horror as the wrecking ball swung one final time. Chadwick watched in horror as the building crumbled before him. He wept as he saw one lone Stationary bike get crushed under some falling concrete like the brachiosaurus in Jurassic World 2. The bulldozer moved in, crushing whatever equipment was left standing. Chadwick sat there, staring at the rubble of the place he once loved and cried out into the heavens, “ WHY GOD?! HOW COULD YOU LET A PLACE OF SUCH BEAUTY FALL??” Chad then sprinted back home to his father Zebulon, sobbing the entire way back. Chad barged in through the front door, startling his father straight off of his recliner. “Son, what’s the matter?” Zebulon asked in a concerned tone. “A big bully named Stacy tore down my favorite Gold’s Gym!” Chad replied, tears streaming down his face. “I'm sorry, my dear sweet boy,” Zebulon said, stroking Chad’s hair. “There is only one way to settle the score with this wench. You must challenge her to the oldest of duels.” “What's that papa?’ Chad inquired. “You must challenge her to... A THUMB WAR!!” Zebulon announced. Chad gasped in surprise at the words. “Papa are you sure I’m strong enough? I workout my arms a lot but I don’t know if my thumbs are strong enough to withstand the pressure of a thumb war!” “That is why I must train you, my son. I promised myself I would never return to this life but I’m afraid this is the only way. You will go to her house and challenge her to a thumb war in six months’ time. Both of you will train your hardest, but I know her type and she will undoubtedly cheat. We must be prepared for that as well, my child.” “You haven’t led me wrong before, Pops. I’ll challenge her in the morn.” The next day, Chad showed up at Stacy’s manor and knocked on the door. None other than Stacy herself answered the door. “Oh God, it’s the testosterone dispenser.” she said dryly. “Glad you remember me, wench, now, I'm here to avenge the honor of the Gold's Gym franchise by challenging you to a thumb war, or else you’ll have to go back to the farm, you fat cow. In six months’ time, we will meet at the biggest stadium and we will have a thumb war that will be remembered for all of HISTORY.” Chad said dramatically. “So be it.” Stacy said and proceeded to slam the door in Chad’s face. On his way home, Chad walked by the wreckage of his old gym. “I will avenge you no matter the cost.” And went home more motivated than ever to avenge the thing that was dearest to him. The next morning, Chad woke up to find arm braces sitting on his dresser. He picked them up and brought them to the kitchen where his dad was in the process of making breakfast. “Hey pops, what are these for? My arms aren't broken. “Those are to make sure your bones don't explode from training today.” Zebulon said “Wait, my bones could explode??!” Chad exclaimed incredulously. “You knew the consequences, boy.” “No I hecking didn't! I never knew the risks were this freaking high!” “Watch your language around me Chadwick. It's too late to turn back now so just eat your breakfast so we can start training for the big fight. After a tense breakfast between father and son, they went to the back yard where chad saw a large stump topped with a miniature boxing ring with two holes in the center. “What’s this papa?” “This my son, is a thumb war ring. Many years ago I was a champion of this sport. I promised myself I would never do this again. Not after the last time.” “What happened last time?” Chad asked “It's too dreadful to even think about. I'm afraid I can't say... yet” Zebulon replied as he stared off into the distance. After a few seconds of pregnant silence, Zebulon walked towards the ring and Chad followed. Zebulon inserted his thumb into the hole and Chadput on the brave and followed suit. As soon as Chads thumb was through, Zebulon smashed it into the floor of the ring. Chad yelped and drew his hand back. “What was that for?!” Chad yelled. “You must be prepared for anything, my son. Even surprise attacks.” Training over the next few weeks went on like this until Chad learned how to dodge effectively. “Good, my son!” Zebulon said and clapped his son on the back as he performed his first perfect dodge. “Thanks Papa!” Chad beamed. Over the next few months, Chad and his father bonded over something that they were both passionate about. He and his father had some laughs and at the end of the six month period they ended up closer than they had ever been prior to this experience. On the day of the big fight, Chad and his dad rolled on up to their enemies’ house. “A wise man once said; “The simple act of paying attention can take you a long way.” That wise man is named Keanu Reeves and he is truly breathtaking. Keep these words in mind when you take on your opponent, my son.” Zebulon said. “...okay dad.” Chad said confusedly. Father and son walked up the steps to Stacy's manor. Chad rapped on the door thrice and not even a second later, a bland looking servant opened the door and gestured them to come inside. As they entered, they beheld her giant manor. “Living like this has spoiled her, Chad. She will undoubtedly attempt some tom-foolery during the match. You must be prepared for anything.” “You got it dad!” They were led out into the backyard by the servant where they saw a giant arena surrounded by lava. “Holy guacamole! How the frick did you build this in only six months?!” Chad exclaimed. “All we had to do is move ze lava moat and ze rest was pretty easy.” The servant said in a light french accent. That statement raised more questions than it answered but Chad left the topic alone. He looked to his father but Zebulon’s eyes were set in steely determination and something else he couldn't identify. As they walked up the steps to the stadium they couldn't help but be awed by the sheer mass of it. As they reached the top of the stairs, they saw stacy already sitting in one of the two chairs set out for them. In between the two chairs, was a gilded thumb war ring. “Nice of you to finally show up, Meathead.” Stacy said tauntingly “I wouldn't miss it for the world, you tub of lard.” Chad said in retort. It was at this point that Chad noticed stacy had some sort of exoskeleton over her right arm. “That’s against the rules, Stacy! You can't have any body mods on during the match.” “I guess your rules weren’t specific enough, Chad.” “I said I wanted a fair fight, you cow!” Chad yelled “Easy boy,” Zebulon said as he put a hand on his son's shoulder. “With the grade-A training I have given you, not even her mecha arm could help her win.” Chad sat down across from Stacy and inserted his thumb into the ring. Stacy followed suit soon after. As soon as she was through, she immediately tried to pin him down. Chad was prepared for this and he dodged out of the way. He spun around and pinned her down to the floor of the arena with his thumb. She was down for two seconds but wriggled her way out. She slammed her knee against the bottom of the table, throwing him off balance and giving her an opportunity to attack and he just managed to parry her thumb away.before she could do the finishing blow. Stacy reeled back in shock at his miraculous recovery and chad took the opportunity to pin her down once more. Time seemed to move like a thick jelly as he counted down the seconds. All he needed was three seconds and he would be the champion. But then, out of nowhere, stacy whistled and a small dog ran out from the sidelines and attacked Chads ankles, preventing him from finishing the job. “AGHHHHHH” Chad screamed and tried to shake the dog off as well as fend off Stacy's attacks. But things were looking bleak for him. But then, Zebulon ran over and punted the Pomeranian into the lava. “CROUTON!!!” Stacy cried. While she was distracted, Chad took the opportunity to pin her to the floor of the ring. She tried to escape but she couldn't. Chad had won the battle!. He and his father cheered as stacy ran towards the edge of the arena to see if her dog had missed the lava by any chance. He hadn’t. Stacy later tried to press charges against chad for assault and killing her dog, but as it turns out, the judge also liked that particular Gold’s Gym. Chad was celebrated worldwide for his actions and from then on was referred to as “The saviour of Gold’s Gym. Stacy was forced to go into exile for the shame she caused her family by losing despite her cheating. She could never show her face in this town or any town again. Afterwards Zebulon and Chad went back home, laughing and enjoying each other's company.