text: You are walking in the Tractor Supply parking. You frequent this store for your bird seed every week. It's been 4 months since you've been going and for a while now there's been a mysterious Van in the back of the parking lot. **Chapter 2:** You have chosen to investigate! You come up to the van only to discover a rancid smell of decaying flesh and mouthwash. You can tell someone was trying to mask something here... You go to the back of the van and see the door is unlocked. You open it (of course). You go inside the van to see a decaying body. It is a man's. But it's too far gone to distinguish any identifying features. It's the worst smell you've ever smelt. What do you do? **Chapter 3:** You check the body for a wallet. All you find in the wallet is a used condom, 37 pesos, a package of blunt wraps, and a prepaid debit card. You are unable to find anything to identify this man. You are confused why this man doesn't have an I.D., credit card, license etc. In his wallet. Did he not want to be found? You then recall that you smelled mouthwash when you approached the van. Your overwhelming confusion has blinded you to the fact that it's still there. You decide to search the rest of the van. Where do you look? **Chapter 4:** You give up and decide to go home. What are you supposed to do? You don't know who the hell this guy is and don't know any other way of figuring it out. You head toward the back doors of the hot, smelly van and open them. You exit the van only to find it's dark out. You've only been in there for 5 minutes?? Then you realize... It was already dark out. The fumes from the carcass must've messed with your sense of time. You get in your car and leave. You go home. Your drive home was very quiet. There was no other traffic on the road. It's late. And you are very tired. You brush your teeth, shower, take off your watch and go to bed. But you can't help but think who that man was. Has he been there as long as the van has? Was he murdered? Suicide? You can't sleep. You need to sleep. **Chapter 5:** You light up, eat some chips, set your alarm at 7:00am for work tomorrow, then go to sleep. Beep beep. It's your alarm. Time for work. You are on time for your linemen job. You are traveling to Grove City today to work on a downed line. You and your work buddy leave at 8:00am. You light up on your way to Grove City on the way there while your buddy drives. You love weed. You are always high. You get to GC, finish your job, smoke while your at it. You work best when your high (who doesn't?😂). You finish the job and head back to Clarion. Shit. You didnt get your birdseed last night. Okay, no big deal. Go back to Tractor Supply and get the bird seed. Your buddy does't mind. You arrive. Exit the car. Of course you look in the corner of the parking lot. The van's not there. You're freaked and get back in the truck. “What's wrong?" Your buddy asks. "Nothing, I'm fine. I just realized they don't get the bird seed shipment until tomorrow, lol" you say. You eventually arrive home. Maybe you're just high and paranoid. What do you do? **Chapter 6:** You smoke more weed. (No surprise there you fucking stoner) You chill at home, alone and high. It's a Friday night. You don't even have a pet. But you don't seem to mind. You go to the basement and work on your adirondack chair that you have in your wood shop. You are a great craftsman (plus, you work best when you're high). You were commissioned to make a lawn set for a family in Rochester, New York. You want to make this nice. You only have 1 chair and a picnic table left to make. They are expecting this set tomorrow evening. They want to have it ready for their annual neighborhood Jesus picnic. This is a big deal. You know you have a lot of work ahead and are pressed for time. Good thing you smoked. You'd be watching Little House on the Prairie forgetting all about this shit right now. You smoke and work through the night. The set it complete. Luckily, your boss let you borrow his moving truck to haul everything up. You go to sleep. It is 4:00am you are still baked. You are always baked. You wake up at noon later that day. You are in no rush. You chill out and smoke some weed (no way). You are leaving at 3:00pm. You start loading the set into the truck. Four chairs and two tables. This is going to be a lot of lifting. Thank God the truck has a lifter. Everything is in and secure. It is 2:30pm and you have a five hour drive ahead. What do you do? **Chapter 7:** You choose not to smoke (a genuine surprise). Due to your high tolerance you have already come down from your earlier smoke sesh. It is time to drive. You are driving up to Rochester. You gotta piss. Man, you gotta piss bad. You stop at a rest stop to piss. It is 5:30pm. You start to feel sick while pissing. Not shortly after, you puke your brains out for a whole fifteen minutes. Why are you puking so much? You are a mess. You gather yourself and leave the rest stop. Your breath smells awful. WHAT THE FUCK! You discover your car is being robbed. You yell at the thief and chase him off. You are able to see his face. He is a Latino man. Very tall. Like 6 ft. 7. This dude's a giant. He runs though (pussy) and drives off...very slowly. You are able to record his license plate number "WIYSP-YAFTN" "That's a weird plate, no numbers. Stupid fucker. Don't rob my shit." You call the police and give them the plate number. They ask for the make and model. "Uhh, it was a black truck. That's all I remember." They tell you that vehicle and plate are not in the system. They ensure you they'll keep looking. You don't have much confidence in them. This phone call has been at least ten minutes. This stop has been longer than planned. You need to deliver this furniture. You still feel like shit. You head back on the road. The rest of the drive took two and a half hours, you're behind on schedule. You finally get to the house. "Hey! You're pretty early!" Said Isaac, the dad of the family. You thought you were about a half hour late. You look at your watch. It's 5:30pm "Someone laced that fucking weed" you think to yourself. "I could've swore I was late as shit. I must be tripping" You disregard this incident and let it go. You unload the furniture and get paid. Your job is complete. “Hey man." Isaac says. "Wanna stay for the party tomorrow? We got an extra guest room? We'd love to have you." You're tired as shit. **Chapter 8:** “Yeah, man. I'll stay" you say. "But I don't have any overnight stuff." "That's okay" says Isaac "I have plenty of clothes." "Oh...okay" You respond. "I guess I'm wearing his clothes, then" you think to yourself. "Want a snack?" asks Isaac. "Wife made brownies" "Brownies sound good" you say. And eat 7. Isaac laughs. He's a weird guy. "Come see my family" says Isaac. "I'd love you to meet them." You and Isaac walk into the living room. "Everybody! This is Christian." (That's your name) "Hello, Christian" they all say. In perfect unison. "Christian" says Isaac. "This is my wife, Wendy. And our kids, Alex, Scotty and Paige. "Hello" you say. You are uneasy. You hangout with the family for the night. Play some Monopoly and the kids go to bed. You, Isaac, and Wendy are still up, watching Treehouse Masters. "So, Christian...we've got a question for you" says Wendy. “Would you be interested in a threesome with Isaac and I?" **Chapter 9:** You freaky fuck! You barely even know these people. Plus they're fucking weird. "Whatever, let's do it!" You are overcome with an intense amount of excitement for this. You don't feel sick anymore. You haven't felt sick for a while now... "GREAT!" Isaac exclaims. "Can't wait to watch you fuck my wife! Up to the bedroom we go!!" You all walk up to their bedroom. It's a typical looking room. Except for one thing, the clocks. There are 3 different clocks in the room. "Why are there three clocks?" You think to yours- \*lock\* That was the noise of Isaac locking the door. What the fuck is going on? You freak. You run for the door and try and open it. That shit's locked. Your not leaving. "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?" You scream at them. "Calm down, father" they both say in unison. "Father?? What the fuck?! I'm not your dad! I'm younger than you! You sick fucks!" Wendy puts a fourth clock on the wall. "The fuck you doing with that clock, bitch!?" You yell at Wendy. "Where's Isaac?" You think to yourself. You smell something...minty. You are in a pickle, what do you do now? **Chapter 10:** You run into the bathroom to find Isaac pouring massive amounts of mouthwash into the tub. It is almost full. You run to kick him. But are grabbed by a man. It's not Isaac. You can tell this man is big. You look behind you. It's the thief. He take you and dunks you into the mouthwash tub. You pass out. You wake up. In the same bathroom. No one is there. You walk out to the bedroom. The clocks are gone. So are Wendy and Isaac. The man is on the bed... Smoking a bong. "What the fuck is going on and who the fuck are you!?!?" You are mad. "Calm down, father." He says. "What the fuck is this father shit!? I'm not a dad! I'm single, and have no kids. Or pets! I'm a loser!" "Exactly" tall man says. "You were the perfect candidate" "For what?" "You are the next Father Time. You have been for a couple days now." “What do you mean?" You ask. "I have transmitted my powers to you. We have met before." You hear a car noise from outside. "Look outside in the parking lot. he says." You look. It's the van. "What the fuck! That's the van!" You say (yell). "And it was me in it" he says. "My name is Jesus." "What do you mean?" You ask. "I have transmitted my powers to you. We have met before. I was the one in the van." "But you were a rotted carcass!" "Yes, and no. That was my Father Time form" he says" My 673 years have passed. My tenure of Father Time has ended and I needed to transmit the powers on to the next competent candid." "But, how did you do that??" Jesus throws you a book. "This is everything you need to know. I am the third keeper of time. I have paid my dues and now you are the fourth keeper of time." You read aloud "in order to transmit powers to the next, the next keeper must have an unpleasant experience of your Father form." "You smelled my rotten flesh" Jesus said. "I think that did the trick. You now have the responsibility of controlling time for the next 673 years until you pass it on the to next. Just like I did. Just like Bambone the 2nd and Moses the 1st." "Moses? Like Bible Moses?" You ask "Yes" says Jesus "Woah. And Bambone?" "He was a Viking." "Shit" "Yeah" You are still curious. You have so many questions. **Chapter 11:** "What about the weed?" You ask. "The most important part" Jesus replies. "You must always be high for now on. If you are not high, then time distorts. This is due to the chrono**-**transmitter that developed in your brain. You smelling my dead body released the toxins in your brain to create the transmitter." He says "it is solely powered by THC. If you go three hours without weed. You will become very sick." "I puked my brains out at a rest stop on the way here" you say. "Is that because I didn't smoke?" "Precisely" Jesus replies. "Shit. So for he next 673 years I am condemned to a life of being a stoner and the ultimate timelord? How will I keep this a secret? What happens when I don't die??" "You are Father Time now." Jesus replies. "You will figure it out. Everything you need to know is in the book. Thank you and good luck:)" Jesus vanished. You aim to leave the room. Both doors are locked. What do you do?? **Chapter 12:** You notice the 4 clocks on the walls. "Well, I am Father Time now. These things are like...my weapons? Fuck it, let's give it a shot." You go up to one, take it off the wall and violently shake it. "Come on! Work! You piece of shit!" It does nothing. You look on the back. There are words. "FATHER OF TIME: MOSES THE FOUNDER OF THE TIMELORDS ACTIVATION DATE: Year 0 TERMINATION DATE: Year 673 WHEN JESUS WAS BORN, GOD DID NOT JUST ENTRUST HIS SON AS THE SAVIOR. BUT MOSES WITH THE GIFT OF TIME. HE WAS THE FIRST TO CARRY THE RESPONSIBILITY: THE ORIGINAL TIMEKEEPER." "Woah, so that's how Moses came to be. I guess God didn't wanna control time and bequeathed it upon Moses." “These next ones should be Bambone's and Jesus’” As they were. You go up to the second clock and read the back. "FATHER OF TIME: BAMBONE THE VIKING ACTIVATION DATE: 673 TERMINATION DATE : 1,346 "THE LAZIEST VIKING OF THEM ALL, BAMBONE DID NOTHING FOR HIS TRIBE AND SMOKE HASH ALL DAY. ONE DAY, IN WHAT IS NOW NORTHERN RUSSIA, MOSES WAS ON HIS TRAVELS TO FIND THE NEXT KEEPER. HE CAME ACROSS A VIKING TRIBE. HE WAS CONFRONTED BY THE HEAD VIKING, CHARGED WITH TRESPASSING, AND WAS ORDERED TO BE BEHEADED. MOSES, KNOWING THIS WOULDN'T HAVE WORKED ANYWAY, PLAYED ALONG. THE TRIBE ORDERED BAMBONE TO BEHEAD MOSES THE NEXT MORNING. THE NEXT DAY BAMBONE SLEPT IN AND FORGOT ALL ABOUT THE EXECUTION CEREMONY. MOSES TOOK ADVANTAGE OF THIS SITUATION AND BIT BAMBONE'S EAR OFF. WITH THAT BITE, HIS POWERS WERE TRANSFERRED." “lol, Moses Mike Tyson'd his ass." You chuckled. You are so funny. "Okay, now time for Jesus'" "FATHER OF TIME: JESUS THE FARMER (pronounced hay-soos) "He was a farmer?" "ACTIVATION DATE: 1,346 TERMINATION DATE: 2,019 JESUS WAS A SIMPLE SPANISH FARMER WHO LIVED IN SPAIN. WITH NEWS OF THE BLACK PLAGUE HE TRAVELED TO MEXICO TO START A NEW LIFE. UNABLE TO SUSTAIN FINANCIAL STABILITY AND HAVING TO HIDE HIS SEXUALITY FROM EVERYONE HE FELL INTO A DEEP DEPRESSION. WITH HIS FARMING EXPERIENCE, JESUS STARTED TO GROW CANNABIS. HE GREW THIS ONLY FOR HIM. HE LOVED IT SO MUCH. MEANWHILE, BAMBONE THE VIKING WAS IN SEARCH OF A NEW TIME KEEPER FOR HE KNEW HIS TIME WAS RUNNING UP. IN MEXICO CITY, HE WENT TO THE LOCAL SPANISH PUB AFTER A LONG DAY OF SEARCHING. ON THIS VERY DAY THERE WAS AN ATTEMPTED ROBBERY ON THE PUB. A LOCAL TRIED STEALING A WATER BARREL. BAMBONE WENT TO HELP. THE THIEF EXPRESSED HIS REGRET AND EXPLAIN HOW SAD HE IS. BAMBONE KNEW THIS WAS HIS CHANCE. BAMBONE OFFERED TO HELP. THE THIEF TOOK HIM BACK TO HIS HOME TO DEMONSTRATE HIS POOR LIFESTYLE. BAMBONE SEEMED VERY ENTICED...A LITTLE BIT TOO ENTICED. THE THIEF TRIED TO KISS BAMBONE. BAMBONE BEAT HIM WITH HIS CLUB. HE THEN BROKE HIS LEG THUS, TRANSFERRING HIS TIMEKEEPING POWERS. POOR GUY. BUT BAMBONE HAD TO DO WHAT HAD TO BE DONE. HE LEFT THE BOOK. EXPLAINED WHAT HAPPENED, AND VANISHED. THAT THIEF WAS TIMEKEEPER 3: JESUS” (obviously) **Chapter 13:** "FUCK, timekeepers are fucking dicks!" You exclaim. "Now on to mine, I guess." "FATHER OF TIME: CHRISTIAN THE LINEMEN ACTIVATION DATE: 2,019 PROJECTED TERMINATION DATE: 2,692" Then you know what happened. You realize you are unable to escape with these clocks. So you must go out the way you came in, the bathtub mouthwash portal. You submerge yourself in the mouth wash. You pass out and wake up. You are back in the room. Wendy and Isaac are there. They explain how they were Jesus' time servants. And how You will be assigned your own after one year. They wish you good luck. And vanish. You leave the house, grab your blunt from the truck, roll it. And continue with your life. You must learn how to harness these powers.