text: Cruelty Mirrored Trigger Warning: Sexual and Physical Violence. They mutilated my brother soon after he was born. When he was declared a boy, my mother rolled over on her birthing bed and let the nurses take him. From there, they laid him on a table and went to work on his joints. First, his knees were dislocated, and later his hips. They then castrated him, which caused his screams to grow louder. I cried out for him, but the nurses pushed me away. “Why? Why are you doing that to a child?” I yelled, but the nurses ignored me. They had gotten used to ignoring such cries. Even as my brother howled a piercing scream of a newborn in pain, they did not flinch. When they were done, they left him alone on the table. “There, there,” I whispered to him. His face was still fresh out of the womb, and his hair still contained traces of my mother. He was not given an official name, the boys never were, but I called him Adelphes. “Adelphes, dear brother, I whispered while petting his head.” He calmed against my touch, but I could imagine the pain he was in. His flesh swelled red where they twisted his newborn body. I could see his future in an instant, he would grow up deformed and weak like the other sons that were allowed to live. Perhaps he could become a craftsman if he was skilled enough, but that was only half a life. I wept knowing the cruelty that awaited him. “I did him a favor,” my mother said as she walked into the nurse's hut. Even so soon after birth, she wore the strength of a general. She was known as the great General Enyo, a trusted companion and lover to Hippolyta. “I could have let him die.” “Why do we do this?” I yelled, causing Aldephes to cry. I tried my best to soothe him, petting him softly and whispering sweet words that did nothing to ease his discomfort. Nothing I did could help him. The gods had already cursed him into being born a son of Amazons. “He is just a baby.” “He is a baby that could grow into a man.” my mother spit. “Do you know what men do to their wives in the rest of the world? They keep them at home, they beat them and they do not let them ride horses or fight in battle. They destroy their spirits and their bodies ensuring them a life of essential servitude. We are not like the rest of the world, daughter. We are not in Athens or Thebes. Here we can be free, but only if we never let these men think they can overpower us.” I had heard similar speeches before, the show women loved to tell stories about the glories of the Amazons. They claimed to be champions of all women, only spilling the blood of the immoral sex. At 12, I had already begun my training to do just that. Yet, looking at Adelphous, I could not see any pride in the future that had been promised to me. “He is your son Mother, your flesh and blood.” “I have no son!” she yelled. I stepped backward, I had sparked her temper. “The Amazons have no sons, we have boys whom we let live through displays of mercy. Do not confuse the two Myrina, if you are ever unfortunate enough to bear such a creature you will understand. You will dispose of him just like this. Your energy is better spent on raising strong daughters.” “It is cruel,” I whispered. I would never do that to any child of mine. I prayed to the gods at that moment not to bear a son. I could not do as my mother had, I could not renounce a child of my flesh. “It is to protect the Amazons against any man that thinks they can overtake us. Come daughter, let us practice your bow.” I looked at Adelphes one last time, before leaving with her. I spent the next 8 years training as all the women did, and proved to be the strongest in my cohort. My mother was proud, boasting about her daughter’s prowess. I was strong, but my true talent was speed. I could shoot arrows in rapid succession, which proved useful on hunts with quick-moving targets. While I trained, Adelphes survived the best he could. He could not walk, but he had quite the wit. I checked up on him regularly and made sure he was fed and clothed. He proved to have a talent for textiles, so I gained him an apprenticeship with a craftsman. One of the few surviving men. He was rumored to be Hypolytas brother, but the queen did not entertain such claims. I was 20 when I was sent on my first raid, a pirate’s ship on the western sea. It was a small ship, and I was to lead the charge. My mother had explained the process to me, of how I was to tie the man down and cut him after I received his seed, but such descriptions made me uncomfortable. I had no choice, this would mark the end of my training and my title as official warrior. My mother came with me on the siege, striking sailors left and right. She was no longer of childbearing age and was happy to kill instead of take a man. The other woman scattered, choosing sailors of their choice, but as the leader, I was to take the captain in his quarters. I broke the lock and entered, and found not a man, but a boy. He could not have been much older than me. “You are the captain?” I asked. He sprinted to the corner, looking fearful. “I am Myrina of the Amazons.” “I know who you are,” the boy said. “I thought your people were legends.” “I am no legend,” I said. “Don’t hurt me,” The boy closed his eyes and shielded his body away from me. He looked pitiful, and I could not bear to see such fear come from him. What they were doing to these men was cruel. I raised my sword to his neck, and he flinched at the cold of the steel. “I will spare you,” I said. “But you mustn't tell anyone about such mercy. Lie down and act dead. When we leave, you can take your ship to safety.” “Thank you,” the boy fell to his knees kissing my feet. I stepped backward, the bile rising in the back of my throat. I left my first siege with no baby in my belly, but something else was growing in me. A conviction, a vow not to kill anyone that was made in the form of the gods- be it woman or man. I got Adelphes’s help making fake blood, which I would carry with me during every siege, pouring it on the bodies of the man, asking them to lie dormant, while I pretended to kill them. I could not save all of them, it would draw too much suspicion, but my speed made the number of “kills” I made believable. It went on like this for two years, before my mother grew suspicious of my childlessness. “Are you barren?” she asked me. “Perhaps,” I nodded. I did not long for children, did not want them raised around such displays of cruelty. “You know I have heard rumors,” Enyo said pointedly. “I thought you were above rumors, Mother.” “There are rumors that men have been escaping our attacks thanks to a benevolent Amazonian beauty.” I froze as she got closer. “Now, I don’t know anyone so bold as to trick their people like that. Do you?” “No, that would be foolish,” I said as plainly as possible. “That is why such rumors are unfounded.” “I hope you can conceive Myrina soon, perhaps I should make sure you are not confused as to what your duty is,” she said. “I know my duty well, Mother. I pray to Cybele that I will soon be with child.” “Good.” she smiled. “May you be blessed with a daughter.” I could not find it within me to kill as my mother instructed, but I saved in lesser numbers. Cybele did indeed my prayers, for one day I was met with a familiar face. It was a normal siege like any other. I was old enough now to lead them on my own, which was a comfort because my mother kept a careful eye when she was around. I moved to the captain's quarters to see him staring back at me. “Myrina,” the captain got onto his knees. “Merciful Myrina.” his hands were trembling. “I’ve seen you before,” I said. He looked up at me and nodded, it was the first boy I had saved, though his boyish features had faded. He looked like a man, and a man is what I needed. I got onto my knees to match his height. “I have shown you mercy, but I now must ask for a favor. If I continue to save the sailors at sea, I must have a child. If you are willing to give one to me, I will humbly accept. Do not fear for your life captain, you will be saved either way. My sisters can be cruel, but I do not intend to take the form of seductress or tyrant.” “I will help you,” he said, placing his mouth on mine. He undressed me slowly, his hands delicate against my skin. When we finished he kissed my temple and wished me luck. “What happens if it is a son?” he asked on my way out. I did not have an answer to give him. In the months that followed my belly swelled, and I felt a love like no other for the life growing within. For a while, I was safe from my mother's suspicion. Pregnant women were expected to rest. This gave me more time with Adelphes. “There is a baby in here?” Adelphes placed his hand on my abdomen, feeling the baby kick from the inside. “Yes, soon you will be an uncle.” I kissed his forehead. The other women thought it strange for me to love Adelphes like this. My mother blamed herself for not giving me sisters, but I did not need sisters. I just needed Adelphes, and this baby growing within me. I prayed for a girl so that I would not have to watch her be broken, but in my dreams, I saw a son. A little boy, not crawling on his forearms as Adelphes does, but one who would run with me through the sand. I woke up one night crying, clutching my belly and swearing that I would protect him at all costs. He would not bear the fate of the boys before him, he would not be mistreated as Adelphes had been. I could feel the birth coming, it started with steady intervals of pain. It was earlier than I expected, but with it came a deep fear of what was to come. It dawned on me that I had no choice. If I was going to let my son thrive, I needed to leave my people. I took Adelphes out of his quarters that night. He could not walk, and I did not have the strength to carry him. We kept a slow pace as he crawled next to me. The time between the pains was shortening, and I did not know if I could walk for much longer. When I fell and could not go on, Adelphes dragged the both of us to the beach. He did as I instructed and covered my mouth with a cloth as I gave birth. Finally, after a timeless amount of pushing, my son was born. He was a big baby despite his slight prematurity. I held him to my chest and kissed his forehead. “Hello, little one,” I whispered into his hair. “Your mother will protect you. I’ll make sure you grow up big and strong little Alcaeus.” he cried against me for a long while, and I held him and Adelphes close. In the throes of my pain, I had decided that we’d take a boat tonight and seek refuge on the first ship we’d find. If they were to kill me for being an Amazon, I could at least get my brother and Alcaeus to safety. We started moving a few hours after I had recovered. Adelphes held onto my back while I carried Alcaeus in my arms. It was easier traveling now without the labor pains, but I was still weaker than I would have liked. The ships would be at the harbor near the sentries, but there were escape rafts on the far side of the island. I placed Adelphes and Alcaeus in one raft before an arrow was shot at my feet. “Myrina!” my mother hissed. “Since when did I raise a traitor?” “Mother.” I had no sword or arrow to fight with. I could not carry them and my brother at the same time. “I am asking you to let me go.” “You would ask me to betray my job as a general?” she looked at Adelphes who held Alcaeus close to him. “I should have never humored your attachment to that boy. The baby I assume is a failure.” “He is my son!” I said with all the strength I could muster. “Alcaeus is my son, and Adelphes is my brother. They are your kin too. I am not asking you to betray your duties, I am asking you to honor them. All my life you have been a general, I am now asking for my mother.” “I am your mother Myrina! I have done everything for you. Do you know how the others talk about you, how I must defend your honor at every turn? Hippolyta wanted to have the nurses test your virginity, but I had my suspicions. I did everything to protect you.” “I know,” I sighed. I had known of my mother's support, even if she had never vocalized it. Without General Enyo’s support, my actions could not have continued long. “I know, and I thank you, but there is no happiness waiting for me on this island.” “But you are a warrior, why throw it away? They will not let you fight out there, they think of us women as weak.” “I do not plan to stop fighting Mother,” I turned to the raft. “I will fight, not with arrows, but with resolve. I will protect my family, and I cannot do that here.” “You are my family Myrina.” my mother started crying, I had never seen her cry. Such a surprise grounded me in place. “I am still your family, and I always will be.” I moved closer to her and kissed her cheek. “ I just hope you can realize the cruelty we display is not the only way to protect ourselves. Talk to Hippolyta, you can change the way we do things. If you can send word that they will be safe, then I will return.” I embraced her one last time before getting on the raft. Tears still trailed down her cheeks as we readied to leave. “Goodbye Mama,” Adelphes said, catching me by surprise. "Goodbye my children," she replied as we drifted away.