text: "The air conditioning is cold", I said to myself while I was riding a bus to Manila. I kept trying to draw faces on the fogged-up window, realizing that the fog was outside and I felt disappointed every time, only to forget about the whole ordeal entirely 15 minutes after. I keep forgetting about things lately. I was like a goldfish. I guess that's what kept me sane after the incident. “Why can't I remember a thing?", I mumbled to myself. "Fucking memory!", I said a little bit louder. It was loud enough that Sarah, who was sitting next to me, heard it. She said "You're talking to yourself again". "It's nothing.", I muttered. "Why don't you go back to sleep?" she asked and I just looked at her then went back to trying to draw faces on the window. Just as she was going back to sleep, the bus driver yelled and I heard tires screeching and the bus took a sharp turn to avoid a car that broke down in the middle of the highway. I looked for a seat belt that was not existent then the panic set in. The bus tipped over and started barrel rolling down the highway. Ten months ago, I was experiencing severe headaches. The most notable one was while we were playing Dungeons and Dragons. It was in the middle of a battle and the DM asked me what my next move was. "I will do a wall run and jump and hit the monster on the head with my axe" was what I was supposed to say. But what came out of my mouth was gibberish. It was a word salad party then I experienced the most painful headache that I ever had and then I passed out. I woke up in a hospital bed. It smelled vaguely of anti-septic, which reminded me of my time in nursing school. I looked at my mom and I asked what happened. Her eyes began to well up and she stormed out of the room. Holding my hand was Sarah, my best friend. Her eyes were puffy from crying the whole night. "Sarah, did someone die?" Why are you crying?". She answered me with a sob and everyone's eyes averted my gaze. That moment, the doctor came in and saw that I was awake. "How are you feeling?" he asked. "I feel fine", I retorted back. "Doctor, what's wrong? Nobody wants to tell me what happened and everyone is crying. Did I get into an accident?". "You passed out. Your friends took you here and we examined you at once. We found a brain tumor the size of a grape in your occipital lobe. I already talked to your parents. You can go under the knife and we can attempt to remove the tumor, but it's going to be risky...", he went on and on. I wasn’t really paying that much attention because I was already face-to-face with my mortality. His voice faded into the background as I try to get my affairs in order. "How long do I have?", I interrupted as he was explaining the procedure to Sarah. "If you don't go through this procedure? You have 6 months.", he answered back. I decided right then and there that I wouldn't get the surgery. I only thought about myself while the whole room exploded to get me to reconsider. My mind was made up. I was always fantasizing about killing myself anyway so this would actually give me a way out without going to hell. I was discharged after a few days and I went home. Sarah didn't go home. She stayed by my side every night. She calmed me down every time my head was about to split open. She took care of me. "Why don't you go home, Sarah? I can take care of myself." I said. "No, you can't", she rebutted with a smile. I knew she was right. I couldn't really do shit without her. She has been my partner-in-crime ever since high school. Every time either our hearts were broken, the other one would swoop in console the former. She was the type of friend that would agree with me even if I was wrong. Like whenever I talk about my exes, she says " She sounds crazy!". We made out once and almost had sex but we got interrupted. There is this unspoken rule that if you got interrupted before a kiss, you have 10 seconds to reinitiate the kiss or its gone forever...and at that moment, there it was, gone forever. I always regretted not asking her out again but we remained best friends. I'd admit though that every time she dates a new guy, I always get crazy jealous but I don't show it to her. And I think that she is the same way every time I date someone new. There was always this sexual tension between us, or at least that's the extent that I knew of. There was always this "will-they-won't-they" vibe between us. I always knew that I loved her more than she did me and that love only grew when she did not want to leave my side during this tumor thing. Sarah was quiet throughout the whole ordeal. I knew she was hurt upon hearing my decision but she set aside her feelings to accommodate mine. I could see the pain in her eyes every time I writhe in pain brought about by the tumor. I asked her to kill me but she wouldn't do it. She begged me to have the surgery, which I declined every time, until the time that she gave up trying. "I love you, y'know." she said with lackluster. "I really thought that that you would be the first one to say it...I've been waiting for you. Now that you're dying... I don't know. Stupid fucking tumor.". My heart melted. I wanted to take her pain away. I can't have her tears as the last thing that I will see before I die so I said, "Yes.". "Yes, to what?", she asked. "Yes, to the surgery", I answered. Her face lit up and she lunged in to kiss me. I couldn't really move that much so I just let it happen. I was so happy that I could die right at that moment. She told my parents and they arranged it immediately. The next day I was confined in preparation for the surgery. All I could think about was Sarah's face, her smile, the way she twitched her nose every time she was about to sneeze. I was so excited to have that life with her. The nurse came in the room and asked me if I was ready, I said yes. So she carted me off towards the operating room and that’s the last thing I remembered before the drugs kicked in. I woke up, woozy from something. The room was unfamiliar. I could see strangers bustling about. I was confused and I didn't know where I was. I was starting to panic until a soft voice broke the white noise. "You're awake! I'm so glad. Oh my god, you've been out for 2 days." and then she started to cry. "I thought I was going to lose you because the surgeon said something went wrong inside the operating room. They said they made a mistake. They said...", and then I interrupted her. "Who are you?" I said. She looked at me all puzzled and said "Don't fuck with me now! It's me, Sarah.". I really don't remember her. My face was as confused as she was. "What am I doing here?" I asked. She looked at me hoping that that was all a joke. I wasn't joking. I really couldn't remember her but I could see her eyes welling up then she stood up and walked out. I didn't know who this girl was and honestly, I didn't even remember who I was. I was starting to panic and some other people were trying to calm me down. A person in a white robe came in and stuck me with something then I felt light headed. I calmed down some after that and the two people who tried to pacify me said they were my parents. I said, "No, my parents aren't as old and my dad has hair.". The guy in white muttered something to those two people and he approached me. "You are experiencing retrograde amnesia.", he said. "This is because of the brain operation that you just went through." he continued. I was still flabbergasted but I was slowly recognizing the faces of the man and woman that were beside my bed. It really was mum and dad...But they looked so old. Once a very athletic couple, now a bag of wrinkles. It broke my heart seeing them like that so I called out to them. They were so happy that I remembered who they were and they hugged me and they thought that my amnesia was just short-lived. The called the girl named Sarah back into the room and asked if I remembered her. I said, "No. Sorry.". This time, the girl stayed and asked the doctor to ask me questions. The doctor asked, "How old are you?". I said, "I am 12, last time I checked.". Then the doctor corrected me and said that I was really 31 years old. It took me a while to digest everything. I was staring into space trying make sense of all of this then the girl came up to me and said, "My name is Sarah, don’t ever forget that...and I'll make you remember.", before kissing me on the cheek and going home to take a bath. After a few days I was allowed to go home. Every day, Sarah would come over and hands over a bunch of pictures for me to look at. She was explaining what happened when the picture was taken. I could see that she was genuinely happy recapping our times together. She would tell me stories about what I did before or what she did that was epic or funny. She told me how devastated I was when I lost my grandma. She took me out on dates and on outings. She took care of me like how she took care of me before, or at least that’s what she said. We always have dinner outside to where she said were my favorite spots in the city while retelling me the most intimate moments of her life. She always caught me staring at her and she would ask me why and I would always make some lame excuse to hide the fact that she was the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. I was falling in love with this woman who I've known for 4 months after my surgery. I was always elated every time I see her. I didn't tell her my feelings because I thought I would scare here away, not knowing that she felt the same way for me. I loved Sarah and I was thinking of a way how to tell her. One day, she told me she brought tickets for us to see Foo Fighters live in Manila. Sarah told me that if music won’t bring my memories back, nothing else would. Of course, I said yes! It was time with Sarah and my favorite band, apparently. So, we hopped on to a bus bound for Manila. I was really bored on the bus so I tried to entertain myself by drawing faces on the fogged-up window, realizing that the fog was outside. I noticed that the air conditioning was cold and cursed my memory which woke Sarah up. She said "You're talking to yourself again". "It's nothing.", I muttered. "Why don't you go back to sleep?" she asked and I just looked at her then went back to trying to draw faces on the window. Just as she was going back to sleep, the bus driver yelled and I heard tires screeching and the bus took a sharp turn to avoid a car that broke down in the middle of the highway. The bus tipped over and started barrel rolling down the highway. In the midst of the chaos, Sarah and I thought we were going to die and she held my hand tightly and said, "I love you, y'know.". I pictured her face saying that same phrase to me while she was sitting by my bed. Then everything came back. I remembered everything. I remembered the tumor, the talk and the surgery. I remembered why i loved Sarah in the first place. I remembered not saying I loved her back. As the bus screeched to a halt, turning over several times, I found Sarah and I on the floor all bloodied. She took her last breath and I said, "I love you too.