text: *1. What did the groom first notice about the bride?* It was probably my skirt. I'd been running, and it had caught on a metal fence, and ripped right up to my waist. I was running because I was late, for my job in a cafe across town, but I ran into Cicero's by mistake. It's pretty different to the cafe I used to work in, bright marble and leafy green plants in black velvet pots, instead of greasy linoleum and pictures of the food above the counter. I still can't figure out how I managed to confuse them. But the manager gave me a glass of water and I ended up convincing him to give me a job there and then. He gave me some safety pins to hold my skirt together with until he could find me a uniform in the back, and Isaac's was the first order that I took. He was so handsome - bushy eyebrows, those cute little red glasses and his weird crocodile sweater that he never takes off. I caught him staring at my ass through the safety pins - he's only human, right girlies? - and after he'd left his black Amex card with the cheque I scribbled my phone number on the back of a scrap of paper and handed it back to him. Don't ask don't get, right? *2. What was the bride and groom's first date?* It was magical. Of course, right? All first dates with your soul mate are. I was super early, it was so embarrassing. He'd asked me to meet him in a park at six, when the sun was supposed to be setting. I got there around three - I had a family funeral, earlier that day, actually, and the church wasn't too far from the park. The rest of my family wanted to go back to my uncle's house for a few drinks but I headed straight to meet Isaac. True love can't wait, am I right? He laughed when he first saw me. My hands were gross, all scraped and bleeding. I'm clumsy, and I'd fallen down a fire escape after I'd taken a short cut through my best friend's apartment. I also had a pretty big bag with me, full of everything I might need. I like to be prepared, you know? I take it everywhere with me. *3. Where was the bride and groom's first kiss?* It was in that park! Isaac arrived at exactly six, of course. He's very punctual. He wouldn't have been so successful if he wasn't very punctual. I mean, the fact that his father's the CEO might have had something to do with it, but my Isaac works very hard. That's why Roger is planning on handing everything over to him when he retires. Not that any of that matters to me, of course. Anyway, there were tiny little tea lights and fairy lights strung up everywhere. All over the trees. He'd brought a picnic too, and a huge bottle of champagne. I only had a glass or two - I wanted to keep a clear head. I wanted to remember every second, didn't I? Oh right, the kiss. Well, we settled onto the blanket and started talking. I'm usually pretty extroverted but I mainly asked him questions about his life. I wanted to know everything - where he went to school, where he lived now, how crowded it was there, whether he travelled a lot, whether he was willing to maybe move abroad one day. Isaac seemed a little nervous. He is pretty shy, and maybe he wasn't used to being the one leading the conversation. Maybe he won't end up CEO one day. That's probably a good thing. I don't think too much limelight would be good for us. Anyway. The kiss. So Isaac was telling me about his mom, and the yoga classes she runs for local senior citizens. Then he starts asking me about my family. Where I grew up, what my parents were like, did I have any siblings, any cousins. Well, I told him that my parents ran a local business, I have one sister, and I've got hundreds of cousins, probably. But everyone has cousins, and it's not a big deal. It's not like you and your cousins have this deep, impenetrable bond because you're cousins, right? I mean so what, your parents are brothers. Big deal. Isaac looked at me pretty weirdly then and asked me more about my cousins. He's only got one, you see. Tommy. And Tommy is his best man, as you ladies know, so I guess the whole cousin thing is pretty important to him. Whatever. We're not talking about cousins, and how close or not close you should be. We're talking about mine and Isaac's first, magical kiss. So he asks me more questions about my family, and I basically just threw myself at him. I kissed him like, super hard. Like, porn star hard. I wasn't even embarrassed that we were in public. I just couldn't wait another minute to kiss him. I kissed the words right out of his mouth. I kissed him so hard that when we finally broke away from each other, he forgot what we were talking about entirely and so I had to start up a new conversation about our favourite movies. He's so cute. *4. Who said "I love you" first?* It was me! I'm pretty bold, aren't I? It wasn't too long after our first date in the park, either. We went straight back to his place over on the west side of the city, and it was beautiful. We've got the house right out in the country, of course, which is perfect, so quiet and serene and isolated, but wow, the apartment was something else. I'd never seen anything like it before. The locks on the door were huge, and the building had its own security guard. So we went up to his apartment, on the twelfth floor it is. I was spooked at first - the windows were floor to ceiling and you could see the whole city. Isaac noticed that I went a bit pale, and I said that it must feel like the whole city was watching you eat breakfast. He laughed at that, and said that they were tinted. We could see out, but no one else could see in. Isaac got a bit weird at that point. He took my hand, and sat me down on the couch. He told me that he felt like that sometimes, like he could see everyone but no one could see him. I laughed at how dumb that sounded, but I shut up straight away when I could see that he was tearing up. He went on to say that I was the first girl he'd ever gone on a date with, because I seemed to be the first girl who was interested in him. That didn't surprise me. I mean, of course, I think Isaac's wonderful. Sure, he looks like a goofy science teacher and can get a little bit too intense about the Roman Empire. Also, he's super weird whenever we do anything physical. He thanks me afterwards. And he cries. Like, a lot. What was I saying? Oh yeah. He's awesome. He's safe, he's gentle, he's secure. He looks after me. Anyway. He held my hands and sat me down on the couch and told me that he had no experience with women, whatsoever. He was worried that I'd be weirded out. He also said that he was more than happy to take things casually, if I liked. I was free to see other people. That's when I told him that I loved him. It seemed like the obvious thing to say. I mean, when you know, you know. I had to break away for a moment then and use the bathroom. I was completely overwhelmed, you know, emotionally. I splashed my face, and checked my phone. I had to turn it off at that point, I had about twenty five missed calls and I could tell that even Isaac was getting annoyed at it constantly vibrating mid-conversation. So I flushed it down the toilet. I didn't want to run the risk of it turning on by itself. It was a cheap phone anyway, not like Isaac's phone, with all of the latest technology. Full GPS system too, someone can trace you from anywhere in the world. It actually went missing last week, which is a shame, but he has a new one now, so it doesn't matter. It's not like he can't afford it. What? Oh. Yeah. "I love you." Awesome. So I go back into the room and sit next to Isaac. He's still frozen in the same position, and he looks pretty surprised. I'm obviously feeling a little bit upset at this point. I mean, I've just said that I love him, and he's just staring at me. "Don't you love me too?" I asked him. He said that he didn't know. He wasn't sure. As he'd said, he didn't have any experience with women, not even with high school girlfriends, and so he wasn't even sure what being in love with someone felt like. I dropped the subject at that point, but he said it eventually. Of course. We're getting married, aren't we? I'm his princess. Not like, look at me, huge spread in a celebrity magazine, princess, but like, Iet's hole up in a castle in the middle of the mountains kind of princess. It's beautiful. And my feelings haven't changed. I can honestly say that my feelings for Isaac have not changed since the day we met. And that is a promise. Seriously. It's in my vows. *5. Who proposed? How and why did it happen?* I know what you're thinking. Crazy old me must have proposed, right? Wrong! And even though we got off to a pretty speedy start, what with me moving the evening of our first date, our engagement wasn't until about six months later. Moving in wasn't a big deal though. I had my big bag with me, of course, and I had coincidentally received a text from my landlord that my contract had ran out that evening. It must have slipped her mind. Isaac was pretty angry on my behalf. He said that I should get her involved with small claims court and everything, and that he'd be happy to let me use his lawyer. But my lease was on a pretty freelance basis, so I told him it was all chill. I said that I'd find a hotel and maybe sleep on a friend's floor. Was I ever surprised when he asked me to sleep in the spare bedroom! I was completely blown away. I hadn't expected that for a second. Anyway, the big proposal. Okay ladies, as it's a bridal shower, I'm sure you won't mind me going into a few dirty details for this one. Come on, we're all girls here! So. It may come as a surprise to all of you that I am strictly against pre-marital sex. I wasn't always like this. I used to be pretty up for anything - if you're cute and you have nice arms and you are willing to buy me a bottle of Patreon then I am more than happy to hop on board. However, everything changed when I had sort of a spiritual revelation. And coincidentally, it happened a few hours after mine and Isaac's second date. So, we went to a fancy restaurant. We went in a town car and everything, it was incredible. Waiters in waistcoats, antique chandeliers, the works. I was a little jumpy, I have to say. It was coincidentally in the same neighbourhood that my family lived in, but it had nothing to do with that. It was probably the alcohol. There was a lot of it. All free, all unlimited. I only had a glass of champagne - again, I wanted to keep a clear head, just in case. Isaac wasn't as careful, though. And I never thought the boy had it in him, but he was handsy. Under the table, on the way to the taxi cab, I had to keep slapping him away. I'm an emotional women, as you might know, and I still felt pretty hurt that he hadn't reciprocated my "I love you" yet. It wasn't making me feel secure. For all I know, he could have up and left at any point, and invited another girl to sleep in his spare bedroom. Anyway. We get back to the apartment, and we're getting down to business. I'm obviously aware that this is Isaac's first time doing anything physical with everyone, and this isn't my first time at the ball game, to put it mildly. But I can't help thinking about how he hadn't told me that he loved me. He could turn me out at any minute and have some other floozy sleeping in his spare bedroom. I'd be out on the street, at the mercy of whoever lived in the neighbourhood I grew up in. Not that it had anything to do with accommodation, of course. It was all about Isaac. I loved him and I knew that he loved me. I just had to make him realise it. As I said, I was pretty distracted. Isaac was completely focused. He was almost dribbling at this point. My dress was pretty short and strapless, and all you needed to do was undo one zip at the front and then it would be all over. Isaac's hand, shaking, reached for the zip, but I grabbed his wrist before he could get any further. I started crying then. I said that sex had suddenly, in this very moment, become very sacred and special to me. I loved him, and I only wanted to have sex with him for the rest of my life. But how was I to be sure that he felt the same way. Isaac just gaped at me. I could almost hear his brain working at a million miles a minute. I sighed mournfully, my breasts heaving in the hazy moonlight, and I got up to wrap myself back in my sweater. I heard Isaac groan, and I looked him in the eyes and stroked his leg, very very gently with one fingernail. I've never quite heard a man squeak like it, but I will never forget that sound. The words "will you marry me" seemed to fall out of his mouth before he could stop them, and I said "yes" as quickly as I could. It took a few weeks to sign some specially drawn up documents that our engagement was binding, of course, but after that was all down on paper, we got straight into a bit of getting-to-know-each-other, if you ladies catch my drift. And he's fine. More than fine. Magical. Inexperienced, and a little intense. Fond of eye contact, and very specific dirty talk. But magical. Of course. He's my one true love. And nothing's ever going to change that. *6. What is the first dinner that the bride and groom shared together?* Steak. Medium rare. (Taken from the 25/3/19 issue of the Riverton Times newspaper) *TOBACCONIST MURDERER STILL NOT FOUND* *The murder of Tony Puccini, a twenty six year old tobacco salesman from downtown Riverton, was reported four months ago. Despite frantic claims from the Puccini family that it was the victim's aunt's daughter, Maria Nunez, sufficient evidence has yet to be confirmed, despite the accused prints having been found in several locations over Puccini's apartment, where he was found dead in a pool of his own blood, following blunt force to the head. The Pucinni and the Nunez family have been linked to organised criminal activity in the downtown Riverton area for several decades, but no formal accusations to this have ever been made.* *Maria Nunez has claimed to have been missing for several months now, despite the help of neighbourhood watch groups and local police. Mr and Mrs Nunez, and Mrs Nunez's brother Carlo Puccini, have released an emotional statement to the local media that Maria "should come home when she reads this. She is not in trouble, and we just want to talk.