text: Below is my first piece of writing in a long time. Its strongly influenced by my homeboy Alan Watts and the scientific field of evolutionary psychology. All feedback is appreciated! &#x200B; Rolf was stuck somewhere between a boy and a man. Twenty-eight he was now, and even though he was slowly starting to show the first signs of maturing his face was still fare and smooth, and his body could have been that of an adolescent. He had always been very self-conscious about his boy-like features. He sat on the red leather bench of the ship stroking his attempt of a beard on his chin. He was still digesting the thought that his journey to South America had embarked once more. Anyone would find the way he traveled exhausting. Now he was taking a boat from Finland to Sweden, after which he would fly to Miami, Florida, with two long transits. From there he could finally board the plane to his final destination, Argentina. The entire mess was supposed to take three days, with one night in Stockholm and another in Madrid. However, he was not bothered at all about the upcoming busy days. An older woman looked at him for few seconds while passing his seat, which he had purposely chosen to be away from the biggest crowds. It made him question his choice of clothing and his general look -jeans that were already worn out and a single colored but already battered t-shirt. “Do I look too rugged? Damn, is my hair getting messy again from the wind?” But then he remembered that he had made the decision not to care about people’s opinions when it came to irrelevant topics such as looks or status. He was supposed to be better than that. He felt happy about being on the road again, even though he was somewhat troubled. This was because he was not certain if he was traveling for himself, or for the woman who was waiting for him in Argentina. He did not mind about doing nice things for the sake of the woman, who he did love. However, he questioned the sincerity of his motives. Maybe he was controlled to think that this was the way to act, even if the animal inside him was desperately howling against it. ”How am I supposed to gather my thoughts on this!” - he thought. “Even if I am doing it for her, my mind won’t admit it to myself! Who can I trust, if not my own brain!”. He had picked up subjects such as psychology and philosophy in high school and been obsessed with finding the correct way of being ever since, but he was not sure if it was doing him any good. He had turned countless stones in literature and tried to discipline himself to be happy, chased Buddha in his spiritual journey to achieve nirvana, lived like the Cyrenaic, and lived like there was no tomorrow and nobody to answer to. He had tried a myriad of things but had become none the wiser. Mostly this quest for the holy grail of truth had gotten him into overthinking every small aspect of his life, creating unnecessary complications, or at least so he felt. “I need to relax my nerves somehow. Maybe it’s okay to take one more today.” He dug up the package of Swedish snus. This strong product resembled chewing tobacco, but one kept under his lip passively, instead of chewing. Rolf lifted his upper lip and sucked the air gently, to remove any extra moisture under the lip. Then he inserted the fresh bag of snus in that carefully prepared spot. For the next few minutes he stared at the sea in mundane thoughts like “Did I take my passport” or “Should I change my major once more in the university”. Then he felt it kicking in, and his whole body became light and started slowly sinking into the couch. “I was supposed to stop using this, even jellyfish have more spine than I do”. Rolf was obsessed with this sort of thoughts, thoughts on how to be a “man” or how to be “good”. He also thought he had found an answer to both of these questions, yet paradoxically he did not follow the advices. It was as if there were some otherworldly powers tampering with his sophisticated self-improvement strategies. Rolf closed his eyes to see better. Five figures manifested into being. Closest to him there was a woman with wide hips and unnaturally narrow waist, with full lips and fair face. It took tremendous effect to redirect his attention away to the next figure. On the right side of this manifestation of feminity there was a human like figure that was not male nor a female but was still more human than any of the others, but it gave out a feeling of confidence, calmness, goodness and wisdom like Rolf had never seen before. On her left side the woman had a handsome bearded man with his head held high, and who greeted Rolf with a booming voice right when Rolf had first laid eyes on him. Behind this trio were the fourth and fifth figure; First was a wolf but in man's clothes, with untamed fire burning in its eyes, clearly looking for a prey. Second was almost like three figures but still one, and it was evil with no emotion, but only deception and care for itself. Or so Rolf thought at first, but here, in this unreal space the good and the evil faded away and had no meaning, and the four figures became equal. They all had their place, right where they stood. But they could not be given freedom. They all guided him on his path, but from their given places. And he realized he knew who they were now, and he felt that knowing them will be a refreshing start. Rolf opened his eyes to see the sun pouring down hot on him. The red leather couch had heated up to be rather uncomfortable, and so he spat the snus out into the small part of the package that was meant for the used ones, and after quickly got up. He felt great. Only now he realized that he had woken up with a smile wider than his mouth had ever before experienced, and it was still engraved on his face. He laughed. People turned to look, but he did not mind, but he was not being indifferent either. Girls gave curious glimpses, but he felt no desire. Men looked down on him, but he did not get angry, nor did he submit. Rolf saw the sea, trees, sky and the clouds all connecting to each other effortlessly. His mind did not wander off to tomorrow or to the past, and hence he had finally arrived to the present. This moment was not twisted, not warped by anything, and he had never felt true like this before. Rolf understood that all the leashes that had been guiding him and all the hands that had held him in his place had now been cut loose, and he was able to set his own purpose.