text: Throbbing, empty, and distraught, I rested my skull against the vibrating windows of the great bullet train. Soaring Carrion Crows glided far above in the deep ocean sky, below the hidden moon but above the silky clouds. Them and I were one in the same, wandering in a vast world that held nothing at its core. A cruel place pitted against you. An impossible game of push and pull against god himself. “We have arrived at Narusawa, Yamanashi.” There I stood at the foot of the dense forest, nicknamed the ‘Sea of Trees’ or the ‘Suicide Forest’. The great mountain stood far back in the thick woodlands, though its peak shone brighter with a pride greater than any other. My eyes naturally drifted along the beautiful landscape. From the mighty white peak of Fuji-san, to the bushy green leaves far below and finally the dark forest floor, littered with bushes and various flora. I was ready. I entered the forest cautiously. It was awfully peaceful in here, like a sanctuary sealed off from the other worlds. The chirps from the birds, the sharp crunches from the dead leaves under me, and the whistling of the winds all harmonized together like a great symphony. However, this was not the time to appreciate the surrounding beauty yet, as the faint roars of the distant cars could still be heard. It was time to head in further and abandon the path ahead of me. The sounds of the cars grew smaller and weaker, as did any traces of society. I was now alone for sure. I sat down, placing the back of my head on the jagged bark of a large needleleaf tree. Small specks of sunlight pierced through the small openings in the leaves and branches, bestowing its warmth upon my skin. I could feel its delicate warmth; it resembled my mother’s touch. “Hi there, mister,” came an unknown voice. Startled, I jerked my head to the side to face the unknown voice. It belonged to a young Japanese girl who looked no older than 7. She fashioned simple and childish clothes, as expected from her age, but it was how clean they were which made her presence very uncanny. “What are you doing here, mister?” the keen, little voice continued. I stuffed the rope behind the tree from where she was facing, hoping to hide it. Whatever she was, she didn’t need to know the truth. No one did. “Just relaxing,” I lied. Her head turned slowly to the side and her eyes met something far in the distance, beyond the countless trees and deep in the forest. With that, the once large smile from her face sank into a slight frown, as though she was disappointed. “No one ever walks off the main path for an adventure anymore. All they want to do is die, just like you mister. Am I right?” The symphonies started once again, with the rustling leaves from the surrounding trees, the soothing songs from the singing birds, and the soft voice from the young girl. Though this girl’s voice had different air to it. When compared to the roaring screams and constant chatter of the people in the city, her voice was like a warm shallow creek or a bird chirping happily in Spring. It felt as she was a part of the forest, as if she were born and belonged there. I let out a soft sigh, giving up on my small ploy. “Yes, I have come to commit suicide. Anything wrong about- “ “Why?” The girl cut in abruptly. “Well... life has just been cruel to me. I don’t think you would understand, kid, but there’s just no more point in walking this earth and living this life of which I’ve never asked for,” I said. She looked down to the hard ground and pondered. After some time collecting dust and too into dusk, she looked back up at me. “Come,” she suggested. I followed her, although hesitantly. The thoughts of who she was and why she was here in such an isolated place still loomed in my head. We trekked through numerous creeks, through many trees, and even passed by a through bodies on the way by. Curious, I asked, “So how did you get here? “I forgot,” she said. “What?” I replied stunned. “I’ve been here for a long time. As long as these trees, so give me a break,” she said bluntly. “So, you can’t remember?” “That’s right. Though I have a feeling that I’m somehow linked to the Shinto here.” she said. “Anyways, we’re almost there.” After a little more walking, we arrived at a small clearing. In the middle, sat a lone Shinto Shrine. Its presence dominating the empty expanse, like a crimson flare in the dead of the night. We approached it closer, being careful to not step on the myriad flowers of which filled the ground generously. “Pray to it,” she smiled. I gave her a confused look and just decided to give in. I went down on my knees, shut my eyes, and gave my prayers. I wasn’t sure to which god or being I was praying to, but all I hoped for was a change in my life, hopefully a change for the better. I opened my eyes after finishing my prayer. A dark void appeared in front of me. A gaping borehole, just one misguided step away. I instinctively scurried back but was stopped by a pair of hands on my lower back. I felt a firm push. I turned my head, looking back, and she was there. Her two hands lurched out front as she smiled, as if she were happy for me. “I hope you understand now,” she whispered, and just as quickly as she appeared, she was gone along with the ground beneath me. An endless pit. I stared down into the dark below, panicking. My stomach churned from within, and my heart drummed like thunder. The wind no longer howled above me but screamed in my ears as I dropped. Black, despairing, hopeless, relentless. Everything in this hell hole, everything in this life of mine. We were one the same, just as with the birds, and the trees, and perhaps everything that ever came to live. However, with every dark cloud came a silver lining. Within the darkness and shadows that consumed both my mind and me, there was a spark of light. Within the nearing grasp of death, my mind escaped from its timely leash, and I began to reminisce. Reminisce on the times with my family, the great events that filled my life, and the beauty of a world filled with light, not darkness. This was what it felt like to live. As these memories surfaced in my mind, a small light at far down in the abyss surfaced too. The light slowly became more immense and grew as I continued to travel towards it at terminal velocity. I reached out my hand towards it, gathering all my might and battling against the counterforces that shackled me. The light got larger and larger, until all that was left was light, and oddly a small bed at the bottom. I landed in the bed with ease, sinking my face in the soft bedsheets, somehow unscathed. I brought my head above and peered around. It was my room. There was no longer any darkness or light around, just my room. Confused, I got up from my bed and looked up above, only to find the ceiling. This was no dream, this was real. This was her. I ripped open the curtains and in came the bright morning sun. The birds were chirping once again.