text: There is a theory that exists called Liebovitz’s Law (sometimes known as Lieb’s Lawbovitz), coined in dis-honor of the famous gem-synthesizer Brinn Liebovitz. Liebovitz’s Law states that when one feels too strongly that they are going to produce a masterpiece or the greatest thing that’s ever been made, that is often the time when the world’s most towering, irredeemable pieces of trash are birthed. There’s some tendon within the human mind that, if greatness and importance are too consciously and strenuously reached for, snaps under the strain. Liebovitz’s Law has led to almost all of the world’s great disasters, and after what Mr. Liebovitz did, he became the shining symbol of this phenomenon. Mr. Brinn Liebovitz was, by all measures, a very great man. He started as a chemist, and soon became the only man on planet Earth who could make a perfect diamond with a microwave oven, create a ruby with a few household chemicals, and figure out a way to form a sparkling amethyst while stranded on a desert island. He fabricated stones that were combinations of all sorts of gems--diarubys and emeropals and sapphiamonds--and he was generous too, giving these incredible creations to jewelers and common folks alike. All of his work was built on a love of beauty and quality. He shared all of his recipes, and soon the people of the earth were able to create unspeakably beautiful stones whenever they chose. The only thing Mr. Liebovitz did not share was his home, and not by choice. Brinn Liebovitz was “*2034’s Ugliest Man in the World*”, as voted by People magazine shortly before the poll was erased and the magazine recalled for being “too cruel.” Mr. Liebovitz tried to shrug this off, but the truth was indisputable--his nose touched his bottom lip, his boils were infinite, his skin was a ghastly greenish blue, and despite his vast kindness and his not insignificant wealth, he could not find anyone who would love him. He had no family, either. The female members of his family died long ago from a series of tragic toxic shock syndrome accidents that resulted in the largest civil suit against a feminine hygiene product manufacturer in history, and his father was struck in the temple by a tragically mis-thrown bowling ball. Thus, Mr. Liebovitz had lived alone for 25 years, and this was the great burden of his existence. He was celebrating his 52nd birthday with five male colleagues in his palatial home near the Connecticut coast when he had the idea--the idea that would banish his loneliness for good. He explained to his colleagues that if the complex chemical makeup of a gemstone could be synthesized with his patented 10-step program, surely he was only about 10 *more* steps away from being able to synthesize real, genuine life. 20 steps, and he would be able to turn some household chemicals into a gemstone, and then turn that gemstone into a human woman who would love him forever. His colleagues were naturally skeptical. They pointed him to a variety of literature in which a reckless scientist attempts to play God, and is destroyed by his own creation. They also pointed him to the fact that this was completely, ridiculously impossible. Liebovitz, in his signature voice that sounded like a turkey drowning in a closed can of soup, rebuked them all. “With this 20 step plan, I will not play God, and I will not defy him--I have simply asked him to show me his methods, and he has passed his torch to me. He speaks to me, you see.” Having made his point, he wobbled into the kitchen like a month-old leg of ham. His colleagues would often beg him not to walk anywhere before they had a chance to look away--but now, as Liebovitz worked his magic, the five men who had gathered for his birthday found themselves unable to look away, despite their revulsion. First, Liebovitz used his 10-step process to create an emerald, the process of which is now heavily copyrighted and protected by Mr. Liebovitz’s estate, and cannot legally be printed, but suffice it to say it was a lot of pouring things into other things, microwaving, stomping, stirring, and the final step, which is common knowledge: **10.** Pour the mixture into your nose, let it filter through your sinuses, and when you open your mouth, *there the gem shall be*. Liebovitz did the whole process with the speed and precision of a Nascar pit crew, and when he opened his mouth his colleagues could not help but applaud, so giant and flawless was the emerald sitting on Liebovitz’s greenish, pickle-looking tongue. Liebovitz smiled and told them God was now communicating with him in visions, and that he had only begun to work. The next 10 steps are the stuff of legends. Liebovitz throughout the process is reported to have broken several previously established laws of both chemistry and physics, and the steps resulted in the death of four of his five colleagues. The actual machinations of the process are now highly classified and possession of them can result in incarceration for a mandatory minimum of 15 years. What is not classified is what Liebovitz said, over and over, throughout the three-hour process of turning this flawless emerald into his lover. “This will be my masterpiece. This shall be the culmination of my life’s work.” The one colleague who survived the experiment, a tiny man named Stillwaller, made it a point to recount that these phrases were gargled by Liebovitz hundreds of times throughout the night, at increasing speed and volume until they were burned into the cortex of everyone unfortunate enough to attend his birthday party. After the three hours were complete, and four of five of his only earthly friends lay dead, Liebovitz stood in the kitchen staring into the eyes of the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, created from one tiny emerald and hundreds of chemicals. For the first time in his entire life, a woman’s eyes did not flee from him in shock or fear. Her deep green eyes traveled up and down his body and lingered. Stillwaller stared from the corner in horror. Liebovitz was entranced. She looked at Brinn Liebovitz as no one had ever had--with love. He collapsed to his knees and she followed him with her eyes, and her face creased with genuine concern. Liebovitz began to cry, which was a sound so unholy that Stillwaller jumped through the bay window out into the hedges. The emerald woman did not. She crouched down and lowered herself to his height, and stared at him with great compassion. She spoke, and her voice was so soft and smooth that it sounded as if it had always existed in the air and she was merely drawing it out. “Are you okay?” “Yes, dear--I just never expected this to work. I was receiving visions from God, guiding me in what to do--but I never imagined they would be truthful. I never imagined that He would let me have this.” “Have what?” “Have you. Do you have a name?” “Emily.” Liebovitz’s mind was racing. This was a fully sentient being with an idea of its own name, a command of the English language with no teaching--he had not just created life. He had birthed something that not even God had birthed. He vibrated with excitement. He whispered to himself one more time--”this is my masterpiece.” He stood to his full height and looked at Emily, who stood at the perfect height for him and who looked at him like he was something of worth, and he wanted to melt even though he had always been told that he looked as if his face and body were already melting. He shook off thoughts of past abuse and looked into a future of love. “May I kiss you?” “Of course.” He strode to Emily with as much confidence as he could muster and stood before her, inches away, her energy reaching out to him and his to her, crackling with tension, the attraction physical and fiery. He looked deep into her endless green eyes, and then he closed his, hoping she was closing hers too. He lifted up his nose out of the way of his mouth, and then he leaned forward, heart in his throat. Time seemed to freeze and watch them. His lips touched hers and instantly there was an intense, scorching heat which Brinn Liebovitz at first thought was just what a kiss really felt like, but he then realized there was no way a kiss could feel like this, and then every single chemical he had used to create Emily rapidly decomposed and rearranged and reacted to the body heat and moisture he was emitting through his gaping mouth, and the only woman who had ever loved Brinn Liebovitz turned into a giant gaseous fireball that destroyed 500 square kilometers of Connecticut coastline, including 3,459 civilians and several small businesses and chain restaurants. The bodies of the people hit by the fireball were reported to be “melted and swollen, blackened, their noses hanging to their lips and their flesh filled with voluminous boils.” Brinn Liebovitz himself was never found, his ashes presumed to have been scattered into the atmosphere by the force of the explosion. The only person who survived in the surrounding area was Stillwaller, Brinn’s colleague who had knocked himself out when he jumped out the bay window. He incurred the severe physical disfigurement observed in the other victims, but the soft earth he laid in insulated him just enough to survive after a few months in the ICU. Later, as journalists attempted to piece together what happened on that fateful night, they interviewed Stillwaller, who said two things of note during the interview. The first was to coin the “Liebovitz’s Law” term, which has gained a great amount of popularity in recent years. The second thing he said, which was also popular, was that he now knew what it was like to be Brinn Liebovitz due to his physical disfigurement, that his wife had divorced him--and that he had figured out where Liebovitz had gone wrong in the 20-step procedure of how to make a woman that loves you out of a simple gemstone. Stillwaller published a paper online with distinct instructions of how to do it, including a thorough dissection of exactly where Liebovitz had gone wrong and how his new 20 step process would fix the fatal error. 3 hours later a 750 square kilometer chunk of Connecticut was destroyed by a fireball even larger and more violent than the last. Stillwaller’s document was downloaded millions of times before the government could take it down, and within a few hours every English-speaking country in the world was rocked by a series of massive explosions that left billions dead and the economy, infrastructure, and the human race as a whole crippled for several decades. Scholars would observe later how odd it was that the greatest disaster in recorded human history was caused not by a desire for destruction, or power, or resources, but out of a need for love, manifested by thousands of lonely people across the world. A quote from the novelist and journalist Fredrick Shulzmann sums it up best: “Let us be humble, and tend to our lonely as we tend to our sick--for without the love of one’s fellow man, the lonely turn to the pursuit of greatness for solace--and those in the pursuit of greatness may invent a 20-step process that turns a gemstone into a massive chemical bomb disguised as a beautiful woman.” Brinn Liebovitz did not know about any of this. All he knew was that he was floating somewhere high above the Earth, finally freed from his body, and that he had spent the last moments of his life knowing he was truly loved.