text: **To: Lucas** **Fm: Tracey** Happy Birthday! I know it's been a long time but I wanted to say Happy Birthday! I don't know why you stopped talking to me, and sometimes it makes me furious but well... I still wanted to say happy 21st. I’m doing well, in case you are wondering. I’ve moved out of my parents place into a share house near the city. I’m still working at Lone Steaks, it sucks I know but it pays the bills. I am thinking about heading to uni next year. Maybe take a course in theater production or music or something. My Dad still thinks I should go into dentistry like him. But I mean yuck right? Who wants to spend all day with their hands in other peoples gross mouths. Plus who wants to spend that long at uni? I’d be like 25 or something by the time I finished. And even then I’d only just be starting out. I don’t know... All I know is I want to travel. Like we used to talk about. I miss you. I miss us hanging out and acting like idiots. I wanted you to know that. To know that I miss you and that if you would let me I would forgive you. Tracey:) **03-12-2011** **To: Lucas** **Fm: Tracey** Lucas, Why won’t you tell me what’s wrong? Why won’t you talk to me? I don’t get it and it’s bullshit. How can you go from being someone’s best friend and always hanging out to BAM disappearing. Like WTF what happened? Please just email me back! Or better yet CALL ME! I want to be friends again OK? **21-06-2012** **To: Lucas** **Fm: Tracey** Hey, I know it’s been ages. And I still don’t get why you wont talk to me. But I figure fuck it. You don’t have to talk to me for me to talk to you. I heard from a little birdie that you moved to Sydney for uni. CONGRATULATIONS! I would love to have said goodbye to you in person but I suppose you didn’t want that. So here I am saying goodbye to you via email! GOODBYE! HAVE A GREAT TIME! Don’t forget about us up here. I still think about you all the time you know. I hear songs on the radio that we used to jam to and it tears me up inside. Part of me is so happy because of the great times we had, but then part of me is just burns because you won’t talk to me. Because you aren’t here. Please Lucas, just send me a message. Anything! Tell me you hate me and never want to speak to me again if you want! I don’t care. All I want is to understand. Is it because of George? I don’t even speak to him any more! And nothing ever even happened! Look, please just call me. I want to talk this all out. My parents still ask about you. My Mum is always like “Trace, why doesn’t Lucas come around any more?” I don’t know what to tell her. What should I tell my Mum Lucas? I miss you. Your old friend Tracey **05-10-2012** **To: Lucas** **Fm: Tracey** Hey M8, Well happy birthday again. I suppose we will probably never talk again. I don’t care Im going to keep sending these. It’s only fair! If I still have to dream about you then you have to hear from me. I had a dream the other night about the day we spent down near the creek. When we made boats out of bits of tree bark and then raced them. You named yours the Capt Price after that game you were obsessed with and I call mine the SS Ess because I’m hilarious. Remember who won? Yeah that’s right the SS Ess, because S stands for Speed! Actually I'm pretty sure you still owe me a donut from that day. A bets a bet and you lost mate. Probably time for you to pay up right? I suppose that’s probably a donut I’m going to have to buy myself. I hope you are having a great time at uni. Happy Birthday again. From some silly girl you used to know. **10-10-2012** **To: Lucas** **Fm: Tracey** Lucas, I miss you. I really fucking miss you. I don’t care about whatever this is about. Please just call me. **14-01-2013** **To: Lucas** **Fm: Tracey** I GOT IN! I know you don’t care but I got in to UNI! Not dentistry like dad wants. I'm going to do a Bachelor of Music at ANU! That’s right in Canberra! That means that as soon as you want to be friends again I will be only a short train ride away. Dad is super proud and happy for me. Mum is just freaking out about how I will take care of myself living so far away. She keeps going on about who will be there when I’m sick? Who will be there when I get the flu? I’ve told her a million times it’ll be OK. That I’ll make friends and that they will take care of me. I saw your little brother the other day BTW. He came in to my work to have dinner with that Leah girl from his grade. I think they were on a date. SO CUTE! I think they will be amazing together. I was going to ask him about you but didn’t want to ruin there date. I did organise to send them out a free banana split to share. Like we used to. I thought it’d be nice for them. And well the store hasn’t sold many splits since we stopped doing our Thursday night desserts. Anyway, Donut Boy. Call me when you decide to be a person again. I am still waiting for you Trace **05-10-2013** **To: Lucas** **Fm: Tracey** Happy 23rd Birthday! I don’t know if you read these or not but in case you do..... HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I hope you are loving Sydney and uni. I know I am loving it here in Canberra. Well except the winter bit. It was RIDICULOUS! Who knew it could be so cold in Australia!? It was like living in a freaking fridge! From an old friend who still thinks of you Tracey **05-10-2014** **To: Lucas** **Fm: Tracey** Lucas, Happy birthday again. I suppose I will probably never hear from you. To be honest I don’t even know if you still use this email address. You are probably graduating soon which is awesome. I am finally going to go traveling! I’m going on exchange to New York! I leave in January. I am so excited and scared. I’m going to attend the Mannes School of Music for a full semester! I actually managed to get a scholarship to help pay for it too. So yeah, I thought I would let you know that life is going well and that I’m not mad at you any more. I suppose all I hope is that you are happy and that no matter what I will always be your friend. Yours always, Tracey P.S. My number hasn’t changed. You know in case you wanted to call. **05-10-2015** **To: Lucas** **Fm: Tracey** Lucas, I know it’s been a long time and you have probably forgotten I even exist but well I haven’t forgotten you. Even as everything in life changes the one constant is that at least once a month I will think of you and smile. You were the best friend a girl could ever ask for. Thanks for being there when I needed someone. Oh and Happy birthday again. Love your old friend Tracey. **16-05-2017** **To: Tracey** **Fm: Lucas** Tracey, I don’t know how to start this email. I’ve written it up maybe 1000 times over the years and every time it sounds wrong and I get all crazy so I delete it. I have so many things I want to say all at once. Sometimes I wish I could send you a psychic message. To tell you that it’s not your fault, that you are an amazing person and that I am sorry. Part of me wants us to be friends like we were when we were kids. Part of me wants to call you and tell you that I have thought of you every day. But that I just couldn’t do it. Because I am weak and scared of my own emotions. Another part of me thinks I should never reply. That it’s best we both just go on living our lives and forget about each other. Wouldn’t that be easier than apologising and dealing with all the stuff? But then I suppose if that was easier, I wouldn’t still dream of you and wake up filled with guilt. So I have decided to fix it. After all these years I am going to tell you why I disappeared. I disappeared because I can’t not love you. I love you Tracey! I love your smile and your laugh. Every time you send me an email I read it, I smile and I cry. I smile because I am happy that you are happy. And I cry because you never ever not even once say anything about that day. You go on and on about not understanding why I won’t talk to you. I told you Tracey! I told you at the creek that I loved you and I wanted to be with you and what did you do? You looked away all serious for a long time then you made up that silly boat race game. You ignored my feelings! And I being the wimp that I am let you get away with it. I went along with your silly game and I thought to myself that maybe you just needed time. Every day we hung out after that I would wait for you to bring it up, to say something. To give an answer to my love. But you never did. And eventually I decided that the only way for me to live my life was for me to live it without you. That’s why I disappeared Tracey. And to this day it hurts me. Deep in my soul it hurts me that you couldn’t love me back. It also hurts because I know that it’s not fair on you. You never asked for me to fall in love. All you wanted was a friend. So every time I think about you I feel guilty and ashamed because I wasn’t strong enough to be your friend. So there it is Trace. I disappeared because I loved you and knew you didn’t love me. I couldn’t live my life with you in it. I knew that I would never be able to love someone else with you around so I had to cut you out. I feel guilty about it all the time but well it is what I had to do to live my life. I am so sorry. You are an amazing person. Love always Lucas.