text: 05/06/20 *Finally caved and bought Elsie a fish. Haven’t had a chance to write here for a while (getting sorted for the governors meeting, then all the stuff with Mum) so there’s no mention of fish but seriously, she’s been on about it for months-- ever since we went to the chippy of all things! Pestering non-stop, “Can we get a fish? Can we, can we, mummy? Daddy says it’s okay”. I’ve a good mind to give Daddy a good talking to, kick his lazy arse into gear for once. She’s six for goodness sake, and he thinks she’ll be a responsible pet owner? Well I'm not sure, I think that muggins is gonna get stuck looking after it. Fingers crossed, Jane. Anyway, she was still enthusiastic after her amazing parents’ evening this year (even Miserable Mr. Muston was all smiles), so I decided to take her to pick one out as a reward.* *The tank wasn’t cheap, despite it being a low-range one. Just a round, plastic thing about* *~~40 cm~~* *50 cm tall, and maybe half of that across. It’s got a good two-in-one filter and light thingy on top that was a pain to fix on. Took ages and I missed Elsie pulling out her first tooth! I'm sure it wasn’t a pleasant sight, Daryl made her twist it round and round and round till it came right out apparently. Still sad I missed my little girl’s first tooth. That reminds me, must get a cute little box to keep them all in for when she grows up, just like Mum did for us.* *I also bought gravel (bright pink obviously) and some planty things for the fish to hide in when Els bangs her sticky fingers on the perspex. It’s called a ‘neon tetra’ according to the woman at the shop, though she said it’s not quite like one she’s ever seen before. Marketing ploy no doubt. Although, I say that, they’re named for their neony glow, but the one I pointed out to Els doesn’t just stick to one colour. It kinda shimmers, brilliant blues and pinks* *~~and~~* *like big bubbles of washing up liquid do. It’s gorgeous.* &#x200B; 12/06/20 *As predicted, Elsie wasn’t the most devoted fish owner. One week. One bloody week and she’s forgotten that it’s not just a house plant-- though even house plants need watering every now and then. We fed it together before bed for three nights before the novelty wore off and she returned to the classic bed time routine: avoiding the bath by trying to climb out the window. Do parents really wish their littluns wouldn’t grow up? Mine’s a little gremlin.* *I tried to persuade Daryl to show her how to clean it out yesterday to get her interested again, but no. That was too much effort for Mr. Plays X-Box All Day. “It wasn’t my decision to buy the fish, I ain’t looking after it.” Isn’t he the best? Well I had no idea how to do it, but a quick YouTube tutorial and nip to the shops for buckets, sponges, a tiny net etc., and I was all set. I’m a resourceful woman, thank you very much. Just not a very compelling teacher, apparently. Els ran off to practise her lines after two minutes of me showing her how I was siphoning the old water. I admit it’s not the most thrilling job and I know how excited she is to play an ugly step-sister, but I thought it might be a fun activity to do together. Mother-daughter bonding, or something. I know Daryl’s never going to do it. But I suppose I can’t complain, I saw it coming and really should’ve stuck to my guns on the* *~~fish issue~~* *fishue.* &#x200B; 16/06/20 *I know I'm writing about nothing but the fish (though I could quite easily vent again about the neighbour’s cats yowling all hours of the night), but it’s really taking over my bloody life. I’ve had to clean it out* *twice* *since I last updated this. Should be roughly once a week according to the web, so something’s definitely up. Maybe the filter’s broken. At least it wasn’t too expensive. Anyway, the stuff that I’ve had to scrape off the sides of the tank hasn’t been quite like anything Google images has shown me. It’s really pretty honestly, quite a shame to have to clean it. But it cakes the whole inside so quickly that we struggle to see Sushi. That’s its name apparently. Stupid. He deserves better. Anyway, I paid two of my own hard-earned pounds for him so I'm gonna get my money’s worth out of it as a nice feature piece in the living room. The (I don’t know what to call it) algae or whatever glows like the fish does and looks lovely when we turn the lights right down in the evenings and when they’re off completely at night. I may just leave it, I’ve read that overcleaning can be bad for the fish and I couldn’t hurt him.* *It was originally in Elsie’s room but she complained that the trickling was ‘driving her mad’ (such a drama queen), but I can see where she’s coming from. Even through the wall, I could hear it from our bed. Daryl says he couldn’t, but that’s cus he’s got wax in his ears to stop him hearing what I'm saying. We moved it downstairs into the living room, but even now, very late at night, I can hear the sound of the filter hoovering up water and spewing it out of the top. Trickling like an old man having a wee-- but non-stop.* &#x200B; 21/06/20 *I told Els about the tooth fairy today. Just out of the blue. I don’t know what came over me. We were having spag bol (I'm writing just before bed, trying to ignore the snoring slab of Daryl) when Elsie, so excited bless her, showed me that her other wobbly had come out. She gave me this huge grin, showed me the gap where her two front teeth had been, and said, “the tooth fairy will come tonight!”. And then* *~~I was~~* *~~this feeling of~~* \*before I knew what I was doing, I just said “she’s not real, darling, but I’ll give you 50p”.\**~~if you care that much”.~~* *God, I'm the worst mother on Earth. Her face, how could I do something like that? She barricaded herself in her room and wouldn’t let me in. What can I do? Daryl was no use, he just laughed. Laughed for* *~~fuck~~* *God sake, after his daughter had run out crying. And then he just carried right on eating.* *I nearly took my frustration out on the filter, wanted to knock something loose and stop it working. I seem to hear the trickling everywhere in the house now. Even in the spare room, it’s constant, like hearing cars when you live on a motorway. Except the sound of traffic doesn’t make me need to wee every five minutes.* &#x200B; 24/06/20 *Anne came round. Terrible dye-job her hairdresser’s done. Told me about Lis hoping for an offer from Leeds, but I couldn’t concentrate. All morning as I prepared the house (hoovering and making sure we had cake) the bloody noise was in my ear like Elsie when she won’t shut up about something. Constant “mummy, mummy, mummy” except it’s ‘trickletrickletrickle’. I turned the filter off before Anne arrived, thinking it would manage for an hour or two without it but it’s the strangest and most infuriating thing. I could still hear the trickling. It’s like it’s been carved into my brain the way rivers carve lines in rocks. It’s eroding my peace of mind.* *But I'm use to that, Daryl’s been chipping away for years. He got home from work today and cracked open a beer before he’d even said hello to his daughter. Well I gave him a piece of* *my* *mind (very clever, Jane) and I'm proud I did. Always keeping it bottled, only writing in here whenever he does something that’s not right, but I don’t know what happened. I just stood in front of the telly and told the ignorant prick not to take this family for granted-- he should appreciate both me and Elsie more, I say. And then miracle, he put the beer down and went to play shopkeepers for twenty whole minutes. Proof he can be changed, just needs a bit of grunt work.* &#x200B; 27/06/20 *Fish update (because that’s apparently what this is for now): the whole tank usually glows with a kind of whiteish blue light, but since I turned the filter off and back on a few days ago, the algae or whatever it is on the inside has turned* *~~reddish~~* *~~purpley~~* *~~kind of~~* *~~black~~* *no colour that I’ve ever seen before. I know that’s ridiculous, but I can’t describe it. And it’s scaring me a little. I don’t like to go near it when I have to feed the fish. But of course I do feed Him. Sadly, I haven’t actually seen him much lately, there’s so much algae in the tank and he blends in with the new colours. I can’t clean it fast enough so I’ve given up altogether. I might have to find him a new home.* &#x200B; *Also today: I made a Co-op employee cry because she was getting lippy with me and I told her off. She was sarcastic and disrespectful so I told her to “wipe off all the shitty orange stuff that’s caked on your face and have some respect”. I don’t know how to feel, part of me was really guilty, I just sort of ran off embarrassed, but then part of me knows the cow deserved it. Oh I need a holiday I think, just some time away from everyone. And the fucking trickling.* &#x200B; 01/07/20 *Maddie came over after school to run lines with Els today. She’s the other ugly step-sister and* *~~more ‘appropriately’ cast I’d say~~* *just as excited. I left them to it, made a cuppa and heard them out in the garden. Should’ve twigged they’d get muddy feet, Elsie becomes such a filth monster when Maddie’s around, and guess what... they tracked a ton of dirt into my pristine kitchen. Well I told them I'm no Cinderella and that I wouldn’t be cleaning up the mess. Maybe I shouldn’t have yelled at them quite as hard as I did, two little girls in tears wasn’t the best thing for Maddie’s mum to walk in on,* *~~but~~*. No, I shouldn’t have shouted. I said sorry at dinner but I think Elsie was still a little upset. But she’s six for fuck sake, when will she grow up. &#x200B; 03/07/20 *I started this diary to make myself laugh and vent about* *~~Daryl~~* *things. But the way I've been writing recently really quite upsets me as I read it back. It’s especially bad in the places I can see through where I’ve crossed words out, and I read them like I'm reading somebody else’s writing. I don’t remember writing that, but I do remember doing a lot of scribbling. I hate how irritable I am. But I also hate how everyone always pisses me off, Elsie especially at the minute. The latest fucking phase is gymnastics and she’s already broken one vase. Will put my foot down hard if she does one more cartwheel indoors.* &#x200B; 07/07/20 *It’s making me go mad.* *~~I’m~~* *~~It’s~~* *I say things out loud which I wouldn’t’ve dreamed of saying before. Like earlier in the week I really upset Mrs. Gardener about the cats,* *~~Christ the fucking cats, I wish I could~~* *I just snapped at her. We got home from picking Els up and she was leaning on the fence as I got out the car, just wanting to say hi I'm sure. She said something about the sky,* *~~stupid old crone,~~* *and I interrupted her by almost shouting “get your cats in at night, they drive me insane”. When I realised what I’d said, I mentioned something about Elsie not being able to sleep to make it sound better, but using my daughter as an excuse? And not even a truthful one?? God that’s awful. Although maybe it’s not a lie, I don’t know how she can sleep with the fucking* ***filter*** *going all night. She hasn’t mentioned it since we moved the tank out of her room, but I hear it. All the time I hear it. It’s started to play in my head even when I'm not in the fucking house, like a song that’s stuck. But no melody, just water. And not splashing or flowing or babbling or gurgling. Fucking Trickling. Trickling.* &#x200B; 11/07/20 *I forgot to cook dinner tonight.* *~~You’d think Daryl might think about doing it one night out of the fucking week, even just offer to, but no.~~* *I got distracted in the living room. The TV was on I think but I was just looking for the fish amongst the plants. The sound of the filter isn’t so bad once you’re up close, in fact it’s kind of relaxing, and I was sat in the small chair, my face so near the tank. And then I felt a hand touch my shoulder. It was Daryl. He asked if I was okay. His shake was so tentative, like he was afraid to touch me* *~~as he fucking should be, how he had the audacity~~* *and his voice was also soft. He asked if I’d made food. I looked at the clock and saw that three hours had passed, three hours and he hadn’t noticed where I'd been or what I'd been doing. And I couldn’t tell him. Well no, I was looking at the fish. He’s so beautiful.* &#x200B; 13/07/20 *~~I~~* *~~Wh~~* *~~I’m~~* *~~The th~~* *~~I~~* *I killed a cat. I killed one of Mrs. Gardeners cats with my car and* *~~I knew what I was doing, but I kind of didn’t think about it I just saw it and this rage flashed through me like nothing I've felt before, I reversed when I saw it in the wing mirror. I’m so sorry, oh god I'm so sorry, I picked the poor thing up, ran to the garage and dropped it in an old box under a tarpaulin. It’s there, I don’t know what to do I don’t know what to do~~* *it felt so fucking good.* &#x200B; 15/07/20 *Fuck Cinderella. Dropped Elsie at school at half five, said I'd be in the audience and left. I’m writing this in the living room; my nice empty house. Told Daryl to get to the play or else I’d neuter him with my teeth-- would be the first time in a while my mouth’s ventured down there. need a real man,* *~~need to~~* *No, I just need to be here. Just me and Him. how I* ever *thought of rehoming Him I’ll never understand or stop being sorry for. I’m sorry. He is all I need. All I need to feel like a real person, like the powerful woman I’ve always been. I understand now how the trickling is beautiful. It’s blissful, sat here in its glow. Thank You. I’m glad we took the tank out of the little bitch’s room, she doesn’t deserve it all to herself. No one does, no one but me. Forever-- it should be like this forever. When the little cunt gets home with her pig father I’ll make sure it stays like this, make sure my house stays nice and empty. Just me, and Him, and the trickling.* &#x200B; \ Thank you for reading my first short story posted to Reddit, would love honest and constructive feedback.