text: The West Coast of the United States is one of the most concentrated areas of wealth and power globally. And In Portland- there's one woman more powerful than all else- Christina Pierce. Standing at a slight five foot three inches, her platinum hair, aquiline nose, and luminescent smile don't scream "Overlord of squirrels," but you'd be wrong. We all were. Christina's story starts in the depths of the Susquehannock State forest. The DuBois wildlife sanctuary was five miles away from the Pierce family cabin. A fact that didn't seem relevant until the outbreak. Christina was eight years old when a primordial beast escaped the electric fenced enclosure of the DuBois sanctuary and stalked towards the Pierce cabin and the smell of food. Death, thy name is Ostrich. Two legs built like tank pistons- they're capable of mass destruction when the mood strikes. And for fuzzy birdbrains? The mood always strikes. Night hid the grey plums of the deadly bird- and only little Christina stayed upstairs in the cabin once the screaming started. By the time the sun cast light over the scene- Christina's family had been dead for hours. She stared at the blood-stained tracks of that two-toed fuck and knew she would claim her revenge. Schools were challenging until Christina learned to hide her rage. A myriad of teachers and institutions blurred past. The only thing that mattered now was the extermination of a species. And that took patience. Her momma did say, "Go big or go home," or maybe it was "Go dig in lome," either way, Christina drafted a plan for her vengeance. The records never explained how a troubled girl managed to corral over a hundred thousand squirrels. But by 2017, she had amassed an army worthy of a Kahn. No amount of civil disruption, police enforcement, or gentle coercion could persuade her to release her hold on the vermin. At first, the scenario was cute. A single squirrel here or there that nibbled the proprietary treats she created in her studio apartment. The animals would follow alongside her like some live-action Disney flick- but would lose interest as the treats digested. She kept a notebook with meticulous records. She timed the entrancement she placed on the furry critters. Her progress grew exponentially following an online explanation of excel and the app lock on Instagram. Meanwhile, her neighbors took interest, but little alarm. Because when have squirrels ever created mass chaos? The answer would arrive with the annual Rose Parade. The news reported an Ostrich run on the final day of festivities. The news awakened her childhood revenge, and she knew her squirrels would be ready. The squirrel entrancer began to amass a furred horde- and soon turned from simple treat crafter to dominant overlord. Her legions prepped their arboreal assault on the festival to rain hellfire and acorns upon the ostriches. The warm, slightly overcast day provided the perfect cover got her troops to arrive along the festival streets with leafy cover. The celebration drowned out the scritch scratch of one hundred thousand tiny bodies scampering over branches. With a practiced aim and toned forearms that any bouldering veteran would possess, she launched the signal squirrel into the packed masses near the Ostrich pen. The memories of what happened next stay isolated to therapy sessions, and a censored Koin-6 broadcast leaked on Twitter. The swell of tanned squirrels swept into the streets and aimed at the dreaded birds. The ostriches held their ground, biting and stomping on as many bodies as possible. The pavement turned into impromptu cement slabs of toast to the remenants of squirrel jelly that the ostriches stamped them into. Squirrels flooded the pen with their bodies, and soon the sharp tang of death pinched the salty carnival air. The overcast sky couldn't hold off the young summer heat- and the odor announced itself to any brave and idiotic bystanders that didn't flee from the initial horde of tiny rodents. Christina mourned her losses- but took a deep, celebratory sip as reports of the final Ostrich going down reached her. A wicked grin cut her face- one shared by other legendary commanders- and she knew that her experiment was a success. &#x200B; Australia was next.