text: Have you ever wondered what if? It could be what if I took one job over another? What if I didn’t go on that amazing trip? What if I was still single? It could be what if I didn’t get married? What if I caught the later train instead of the earlier one? OK with the last one today I knew if that was the case I would be very late to work. Those two little words in a question...what if? Carry so much power. So much for the imagination to mull over and create endless possibilities. I always wonder if once our lives are over and we are in heaven (or what other place anyone would believe in) that they show us our lives in a show reel and we get to choose the path not taken and seen what would have happened. I have found myself over the years wondering, what if, over many things until today. Today that question, in one of its forms, was answered. Some of my colleagues and I were at the local restaurant that was a mix of an ‘all you can eat buffet or order a meal instead’ establishment, we frequent and waiting in line to order some lunch. I couldn’t decide what to choose as the menu looked so good! “So Debbie, what are you having?” asked my chief investigator Mike, breaking through my indecision. “I dunno Mikey...” “Don’t call me that, you know I hate being called like a kid!” “Sorry...uh Mike,” I apologised as I shoved him in jest, “I couldn’t resist. The steaks look really good.” At that point it was our turn to order and Mike ordered the sirloin steak with chips and salad. Not a bad idea...when it was my turn to order. “I’ll have what he’s having but well done please and the same table...oh and I’ll have a chocolate mousse for desert as well.” “Dessert is ordered separately.” retorted the prepubescent teen (they call them tweens now right or something like that? I’m getting old) wishing she could emulate Robert Smith of the Cure but was failing miserably because she wished she was born 50 instead of 15 years ago. “OK I’ll order that later, thanks.” Jessica, Jasmine and Judy (the 3J’s we like to call them) had just joined us as well and were able to add their order to our table much to the chagrin of others waiting in line behind us. “Wha?” Judy said to an older lady as she tusked at them, “I was here before you and I had to pee. We all did. Wha? You don’t pee?” Yes my colleagues are charming. That’s what I love about this bunch, they make work more interesting and fun. As I walked towards our table, I looked up and that was when I saw...him. He hadn’t changed a bit...OK he’s about 30 years older than when I last saw him but he hadn’t changed a bit. The last time I saw him was at the beach party held after our last day of high school. He smiled at me that brilliant smile he always had and waved me over. “Uh guys I’m just going to say hello to an old friend I’ll be a sec yeah? Let me know when my food arrives.” “Sure Deb,” piped up Jasmine, “who are ya seeing?” By then I was about five meters away from his table with a wide and nervous smile on my face. I could have sworn my heart had stopped if I couldn’t feel it racing. He got up and opened his arms, “Debbie? Oh my God! Debbie! I can’t believe it is you!” “Hi Paul! Wow! It’s been ages.” And he gave me the biggest, warmest hug. He felt and smelled just like he did all those years ago. At which point so many memories came flashing back. “Please sit down.” Paul gestured to the empty chair at his table. “Oh thank you but I’m here with colleagues, friends actually... and lunch is coming...” “Please I insist. My wife will be here shortly but I’d love to catch up and for you to meet her too.” A wife. Wow...I tell you if I wasn’t happily married myself I would be sad with jealousy. “OK sure...wow it’s been so long...” I started, “OK answer these questions as you know they are cheesy but standard when you see someone from school. How long have you been married? Any kids? And what are you doing with yourself these days?” I had to ask. I had to know. The question on my tongue that I didn’t ask was lingering in the air. I could tell he could feel it too. The proverbial elephant in the room. He laughed, “Oh Deb...you haven’t changed...always asking the hard questions in life.. Always to the point.” “Yes well you were the bad boy...and I the good girl remember?” I laughed. “You weren’t always a good girl...” he replied tongue in cheek, his eyes smiling. “Shhhh I have a reputation to uphold still.” He kept smiling and looking deep into my eyes. I swear my heart was racing. He still had that effect over me? “I’ve been married for 10 years. I have three boys, 8, 6 and 4 years of age. Two dogs, a cat and three parrots. We just moved back into the area and I work as an accountant now.” I did a double take. “An accountant?!” “I know a far cry from the movie star I was aspiring to be but hey life happens. I still do local theatre when I can to keep the passion alive but yeah...crunching numbers is my thing now. My wife Marina and I have our own accounting firm too. My turn. What about you? Go!” “Oh...I uh...am married for 15 years, two kids, a pigeon pair, 13 and 11 years old and the main source of my grey hair. I am a barrister now. My husband is a gardener and he loves it. Just as well we are in different fields or we’d always be arguing.” I giggled with nerves. My goodness I am a married and grown woman! Why am I feeling like a nervous teenager again? Oh that’s right...that question. “Barrister! I remember you wanted to get into law school. Good for you!” “Thanks...” I looked down at the napkin I was fidgeting with nervously. “Yeah it has it’s moments but I love it. I have a great team that work for me and we’re having lunch out today for a treat. They are sitting over there.” I gestured towards Mike and the 3J’s. They were grinning and staring at us. Great...explaining this would be interesting. “Nice...it’s so good to see you Deb. I mean you haven’t changed at all. I can’t believe it’s been so long since we graduated hey?” “Yes...30 years...it’s gone fast...” “It sure has Deb, it sure has...” Then silence. He caught my gaze for what seemed like an eternity. As if time stood still...we looked straight into each others eyes answering questions of what has passed unasked. Knowing that if things were different, we may be sitting here having a conversation with a different context. Sure it felt like a day hadn’t passed since I last saw Paul and I loved that. It reassured me we were kindred spirits but time had passed and he wasn’t in my life. I wasn’t in his either. I just had to ask...oh for heavens sake I ruthlessly stare down hardened murderers in court and put them in jail or worse, why can’t I ask him? Right, I’m going to bite the bullet. “Paul I have to ask. What happened? We were high school sweethearts. We had dreams of our own and some them for us to live together. I have realised them with someone else, my husband Gregory. I love him, don’t get me wrong, I’m not fishing or anything and I wouldn’t go back in time to change anything...and I feel you wouldn’t either with Marina but I have to ask...after the beach party we swore we’d keep in touch and meet five years later at the same spot. We swore that we’d let each other go to chase our dreams and if we felt inclined we’d meet again but not leave the other hanging. We’d find a way to get in touch even if we didn’t feel the same way about each other. Wow we were quite mature for our time huh?” Paul kept staring into my eyes, “We sure were...” “Where were you then?” I did it. I asked. “I was there. I waited. Where were you?” He kept my gaze and didn’t break it all this time from the when the moment set in. “I was there...I saw you from afar but I couldn’t go through with it. I was in a bad place in my life and I chickened out. I’m so very sorry.” Then he looked down at his hands. I didn’t know what to say. I felt the rejection of that moment of so long ago fall away only to be replaced with a unrelenting sense of unspeakable cowardice. I couldn’t answer him. I just kept looking at him. “You see I’d gone travelling, tried the Hollywood thing which bombed. My father got sick and I had to come back to take care of him. It was then I realised I couldn’t go back to acting and I felt like I’d failed you.” “What? No...” I started, “caring for ones parents is a noble thing. Not many people do that especially in some cultures. Are your parents OK?” “My father passed 15 years ago and my mother soon after from a broken heart. They loved each other very much.” So did we Paul. So did we... “I’m so sorry to hear that. I really am. And sorry I was so blunt. I just had to know. I have always wondered and from time to time ask myself what if? What if we did meet again that day?” At that point he met my eyes square again. “I think the same thing too a lot at times. Yes I love my wife, my kids and my life dearly. I too wonder as well...” And there the proverbial elephant in the room that many feel but don’t see, felt like it was finally visible. It felt like the elephant got it’s answer and walked out of the room. The air felt lighter again but I had to get away. “Well, I better get back to my colleagues. It was lovely to see you...” I got up slowly to make my escape this time around. “Since you’re back in the area, don’t be a stranger. I would love it if we could be friends like we used to be.” Never have sillier words escaped my mouth. Could you be friends again with all that hanging from the past? “Sounds great! It was lovely to see you again too. I don’t know where Marina is, she’s running late but hey we should catch up with our families yeah? Get to know everyone.” “Sounds lovely! Wow yes it was great to see you again. I better go. Take care yeah?” At the point he grabbed me and gave me another hug. This time it wasn’t a happy warm hug. It was one that said goodbye. “Yes you too. Bye Debbie.” “Bye Paul.” When he let me go I turned and walked with a fake smile on my face back to my colleagues. “Who was that hunk-o-spunk?” piped up Jessica. “Oh and old high school friend.” I replied as I sat, glad that my meal had arrived and I could focus on that rather than look any of them in the eye. “Just a friend?” asked Mike. “Just a good old friend.” I replied before putting a juicy bite of my meal in my mouth hoping that would stop the questions. I felt sad. Sad for what could have been not what was. Sad yet relieved that the question was answered. Was I mourning the loss of a dream? Perhaps but I was glad that I got a second chance. A chance to put a ghost of questions from the past to rest. A chance to be grateful again for how things turned out. Maybe things are meant to be as they are meant to be and we don’t need to wonder but appreciate what we have, right here. Right now. No need to wonder anymore...