text: ** This story might be difficult for those who have struggled with family planning challenges ** “We’re running out of time.” Josie’s voice broke as she sat in a therapists’ office with her husband, Shawn. Josie and Shawn have been married for almost seven years. Their marriage had its ups and downs, but they have stuck by each other through it all. Josie and Shawn fit together like puzzle pieces. Josie thought that this was why they have managed to endure all of the hardships of their marriage. Josie was a strong woman who supported her husband through thick and thin, and Shawn was a funny and patient man who could make Josie laugh during the stressful times. Josie considered herself lucky enough to have found her soulmate in life. At the bottom of Josie’s heart, she knew that they would grow old together, but their lives won’t be without some regrets. Josie and Shawn are nineteen years apart. Josie was in her twenties when she married Shawn. Shawn was in his forties and already had three daughters from his prior marriage. Josie loved his daughters like they were her own. However, she was thrown into many parenting challenges since the inception of their relationship. The girls’ mom died, so their teenage years were difficult without a mother figure in their lives. Josie came along at a perfect time in their life when they needed someone to talk to regarding their many physical and mental changes. Josie was also young enough to “get it”. She was beautiful, young, and well-dressed. The girls loved it when she showed up to school to pick them up. She also knew how to film Tik Tok’s, and she could take them to all of the coolest concerts in town. The best part is that Josie had an awesome job in New York City. She had perks of traveling to the big city and having access to an awesome office building and nearby restaurants and department stores. Josie enjoyed married life a lot. She missed out on having a happy family unit as a kid, so she was happy to have a happy family with her husband and her stepdaughters. Despite the challenges of being in a blended family, Josie wanted to have one experience to call her own. She missed the “baby” stages of all of the girls. She never experienced the joy of raising the girls from day one. She also didn’t have those experiences of being in a delivery room with her husband. While they were as happy as they could be for a blended family, Josie felt like she was missing out on that aspect of life. The struggle came when Josie was in her mid-thirties. All she could hear was the sound of her biological clock ticking. While she still felt like she had time to have kids (women have healthy babies in their forties, after all), she felt herself being a sponge to the criticism of the world. Everywhere she looked on social media, she saw comments about how motherhood is for the young. She saw people question if she really wanted to be one of the oldest moms in the room at her child’s graduation. She saw children of “older” parents who lamented about how they were embarrassed by their older parents who were sometimes mistaken for their grandparents. Josie second guessed if she really wanted to put her future children through that. The additional problem is that her husband is in her fifties by now. Two of his daughters are legally adults now. One of them is graduating from high school next year. Was it really fair of her to expect him to start over - especially this late in life? Josie loved Shawn with all of her heart. Ending their marriage to find someone younger just wasn’t an option. She couldn’t imagine her life without Shawn. Josie wrestled with many questions that kept her awake at night. After months of not sleeping and having a war raging in her mind, she thought that it was best to visit with a therapist to try and make peace with her life. Josie poured her heart out to the therapist regarding her first session with the therapist. She didn’t expect the flood of tears and emotions that occurred during their first session. The therapist was kind and compassionate to hear her points of view. After her first therapy session, the therapist asked to meet Shawn. She thought that it would be best to hear his point of view about their marriage and relationship. The last thing that Josie wanted was for Shawn to feel that he was being guilted in to having more children, but she agreed to convince him in to come to an appointment with her. Josie, Shawn, and their therapist, Suzie, sat on the couch awkwardly after making introductions. With such a delicate topic, no one wanted to be the first to break the ice. The stress wore on Josie enough that she burst in to tears after a few minutes. Shawn looked at Josie with a mixture of concern and hesitation while he tried to find the words to say. “We don’t have much time,” Josie said. “I’m not getting any younger, and we need to make a decision regarding our future.” Some stress appeared on Shawn’s face, but he tried to be as sensitive to Josie’s pain as he could. “Honey, I know how much you have wanted to have a baby. I couldn’t dream of withholding that from you. You have been such a good mom to the girls, and they’re all grateful for you,” Shawn said in a kind voice. Josie couldn’t dream of making him start over, and she was afraid of the ridicule that he might receive from his friends and family. Shawn’s two siblings were younger than him, and they were already grandparents. What would they think about his situation? Shawn, Josie, and Suzie had an extra-long therapy session to sort through all of the topics that they wanted to discuss. A typical session was 90 minutes. Shawn and Josie sat in their counseling session for almost three hours. Suzie almost missed the pick-up window for her two children until she realized what time it was and called her husband to take care of it. Josie still didn’t have any clarity or peace by the end of their counseling session. She and Shawn eventually drove home. The silence was deafening during their 15-minute drive home to their brick house in the suburbs. The issue didn’t come up again for the about a month when Josie’s and Shawn’s life changed forever. About a month after Josie’s and Shawn’s appointment with the therapist, Josie thought that she had the flu. She was throwing up in the bathroom for the past week, and she was unusually tired. She didn’t think anything of it, because she was overworked and tired during the past couple of weeks. Josie tried to take on extra projects to take her mind off of things at home, so surely that was the explanation for her feeling unwell. The phone rang while Josie was sitting on the cold tile floor of her bathroom. Reluctantly, Josie picked up the phone. She didn’t feel like talking to anyone, but she thought that some external contact would help her take some mind off of things. Her sister-in-law was calling. “Hey! What are you doing?!”, Sharon bellowed on the phone. Her exuberant personality lifted Josie's spirits. “Nothing much....,” Josie trailed off in a monotone and exhausted voice. “Uh oh, is everything ok?” Sharon asked. Josie explained the situation to Sharon, and Sharon went quiet. Josie wasn’t sure if the call disconnected or if Sharon was just in shock. After a few seconds of silence, Sharon asked, “Have you taken a pregnancy test?’ Josie rolled her eyes at the suggestion. “I don’t believe that I’m pregnant, you goof. I probably just have the flu,” Josie responded. “Josie! You’re not listening to me. Do your boobs hurt? Have you been peeing more than usual?” Sharon asked. Josie paused to think it over. A few seconds later, she said, “Um, yes?” Sharon said, “I’m in Hoboken now. I’m swinging by the CVS and then coming over.” Josie sat on her couch with her heart pounding for the next 20 minutes. What would she tell Shawn? Could this be real? How would they handle raising a baby and planning for Shawn’s retirement? A flood of questions came into Josie’s mind. She hugged her cat to her chest and tried to stay calm. Sharon arrived at Josie’s doorstep with a jug of Sunny D and a pregnancy test. The next five minutes seemed to drag on until the end of time. Sharon sat with Josie and held her hand and tried to keep her calm. After five minutes, Sharon ran in to the bathroom to check on the test, because Josie didn’t have the heart to look. Sharon gasped and then started screaming, “Aaaahhhhh! Congratulations! It’s positive.” Josie sat there in shock and didn’t say anything. She didn’t feel excitement, just concern. She felt concerned about whether she really wanted to spend the next few years dealing with diapers and potty training. The next years after that would be pre-school drop offs and a potentially picky eater. How would this baby relate to her three sisters who are old enough to be this baby's parent? She also didn’t look forward to the emotions that come with teenagers and then saving for another kid’s college. “I’m not really that excited, Sharon. What does that tell you?” Josie finally said. She hung her head with the realization at how horrible it sounded and how maybe the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Sharon’s demeanor changed from excited to concerned. “What are you going to do?” Sharon asked. “I don’t know,” Josie responded. “Whatever I decide to do, I won’t have much time.”