text: &#x200B; It started with a revelation: Nobody asked to be here. &#x200B; People lost their minds, companies collapsed, civilizations fell. &#x200B; Nobody asked to be here. &#x200B; We knew it all along, but couldn't put it into words. A self proclaimed Russian genius by the name of Enrico Chavez had to do it for us. He stumbled out of his office at the University of Chicago, late one night, and proclaimed to the darkness, “Nobody asked to be here!” &#x200B; Professor Chavez's philosophical genius went unnoticed for many years, primarily due to his name. Enrico Chavez is not a typical name for a Russian. His peers found this too confusing to comprehend. “Why is this man not a Mexican?”, they would utter to each other during his presentations. The distraction provided by his name gave his fellow philosophers a reason to avoid him and belittle his ideas, given they listened to them in the first place. &#x200B; &#x200B; Several years ago Enrico Chavez found the solution to his name problem. He tanned his skin and started calling himself a Mexican. &#x200B; &#x200B; “Nobody asked to be here!”, Professor Chavez shouted into the darkness. He was elated! Years of research had finally led to something substantial! &#x200B; “Nobody asked to be here!” He chanted again and again, sprinting out his door and running through the nearby park. &#x200B; A voice yelled back from the darkness, “Nobody asked you!” &#x200B; &#x200B; Once Professor Chavez started tanning his white skin and lying about his nationality, it didn't take long for others to listen to him. He rose through the ranks like a balloon, and was promptly given a position at the University of Chicago. A few weeks after his promotion he made his now infamous/famous proclamation. &#x200B; &#x200B; The day after proclaiming into the night, Professor Chavez wrote a brief twenty page academic article about his findings. This was when the world took notice. &#x200B; Professor Chavez's groundbreaking discovery created a shock wave that started on a personal level. It began with people realizing that they did not, in fact, ask to be here. Many of them decided they would rather be anywhere than here, so they left! These folks were called “The Depressed”. Others demanded money as retribution since they were brought here against their will. These folks were called “The Greedy”. Others still asked not for money, but for changes to take place so they wouldn't mind being here. These folks were called “The Outcasts”. The largest group was known as “The Content”. They acknowledged that “Nobody asked to be here”, but that it didn't really matter. &#x200B; &#x200B; Once the people took notice, this devastated the economy. The Depressed were no longer here (they were There), so they couldn't even participate. The Outcasts were demanding reform on a global scale and began spending their money in a “responsible” way. The Content didn't really care either way, and continued to spend money in a similar way to how they usually had. &#x200B; &#x200B; As for me, I was one of the Content. I guess I had known all along that “Nobody asked to be here”, but figured that since we were here, we might as well do what people here do. And boy, do they do a lot! Hiking, biking, writing, reading, drawing, singing, climbing, driving, creating, destroying, spending, killing... Lots of ing-ing! I partook in this ing-ing, primarily working, sleeping, eating, driving, and buying. By the time I was thirty, I had a wife, three kids, a three thousand square foot house to hold my family and things needed for ing-ing, including two beautiful cars and all the knick knacks to go with my upper-middle class lifestyle. I was living a content life. Guess the label fit! &#x200B; &#x200B; Which group did Professor Chavez belong to? Who can say? He was murdered shortly after publishing his work. Some say he would have been Depressed. Others think he was Content. Others still think he was an Outcast. How popular! &#x200B; &#x200B; Companies began collapsing a few months after Professor Chavez sang into the night. &#x200B; The Depressed and Outcasts, although a minority compared to The Content, had enough of a financial impact to cripple multiple banks and businesses. This in turn caused the housing market to go belly up. Once the housing market went, everything else followed. People who can't afford their home aren't likely to buy anything else! Of course, a few companies flourished in this new economy. Many Outcasts supported local companies, and many Contents supported PayDay Loans Inc. Eventually, as local companies became more successful, they would become global and fail! &#x200B; &#x200B; Long live PayDay Loans! &#x200B; &#x200B; &#x200B; **II** &#x200B; This next paragraph is being written as I sit in my armchair, drunk as a skunk. I am moving across the country next week to begin another career. Maybe if I make enough money I can become an Outcast! In my experience, Outcasts are resoundingly rich. This is why they are not Greedy, and can claim they are not Content. Most poor folks are Greedy, at least those who weren't Depressed. Us Contents are just trying to get by. I've got a family to support! What am I to do, quit my job and protest? And why? I have a beautiful life! &#x200B; &#x200B; Professor Chavez's article changed the world instantly. People starting leaving Here, companies collapsed, and widespread panic overtook the general population. I can only assume that's what led to his murder. &#x200B; Hard work pays off! &#x200B; Before he was thrown to the wolves, Professor Chavez tried to explain that his finding (dubbed The Discovery) was miraculously uplifting news. He told the people that because we didn't ask to be here, we should think of ourselves as free to do as we wish, as long as our actions did not hurt anyone else. This speech came to be known as The Amendment. &#x200B; To some, that was a Godsend. Folks across all groups (The Depressed excluded) began living with renewed vigor, and they found their lives better off than before the discovery, even as the world was changing around them. &#x200B; To others, it was too baffling a concept to grasp. Perhaps being told that they didn't ask to be here had shook them too deeply, or they were too entrenched in their current stance of Outcast, Content, or Greedy to shake their belief system yet again. These folks gained nothing from Professor Chavez's Amendment. &#x200B; There was a small group of people that was so moved by this discovery, however, that they became known as The Free. These were folks that asked nothing of society, but stayed here and lived a new lifestyle. In a way they were Content, however they shunned their old lifestyle of ing-ing, and focused on living in the here and now. They were primarily people who had little responsibility in the old world, such as parents with no children, young professionals, and the homeless. This ragtag group of The Free, although leading disparate lives not more than a month before, all lived by the same credo in the new world: Stay Carefree. Be Happy. &#x200B; &#x200B; **III** The night Professor Chavez screamed into the darkness, I was fast asleep, even though I was at work. It was late! That morning, as it was for most people, started out like every other day. We continued on with our lives as if we had asked to be here and moved forward with futile purpose. At that point, only two people knew of Professor Chavez's discovery: Professor Chavez and a homeless man in Drake Park. &#x200B; The homeless man would go on to become a leader of The Free, but as for now he was taking a “dump” behind a juniper tree. He enjoyed the fresh Christmas smell given off by these plants and how it perfectly masked the smell of his “dump”. Say what you will, but that's resourceful! &#x200B; &#x200B; The homeless man's name was Jack Roan. Jack was previously a mechanic, gas station attendant, convenience store manager, day trader, and then briefly incarcerated. His colorful past is due to his high level of intelligence and terrible attention span. Jack's interests come in violent waves, and leave like a calm tide receding into the ocean. Within weeks he has mastered a new trade, and within months the passion fades. Today, he is homeless. Tomorrow? Who knows! &#x200B; &#x200B; My career at the time of The Discovery was Head of Security for Public Resources. It was a boring, yet well paying career. I choose to work at nights, that way I could be home to take my children to school, sleep while they were out, wake up, bring the kids home from school, then head in to work. It ravaged my body and I felt out-of-sorts everyday, but it was best for my family. &#x200B; Head of Security is an overly prestigious title for an unglamorous job. It comprised solely of staring at computer monitors all night long that showed live feeds of all the parks in town. I was in charge of keeping the parks safe, and if some unsavory event began to transpire, I had to dispatch our Security Executives to deal with the issue. &#x200B; That night, if I hadn't nodded off, I would have been one of the first people to hear Professor Chavez make his grand announcement! I also would have dispatched a Security Executive to get homeless Jack Roan out of the park for loitering. &#x200B; &#x200B; Some days I wonder what would have become of Jack if I had kicked him out of the park that night. &#x200B; &#x200B; That inconsequential morning finally became consequential for me when I reviewed the tapes from the night before, from when I was fast asleep. That is when I learned about Professor Chavez and heard Jack Roan shout back, “Nobody asked you!” &#x200B; &#x200B; Jack pulled his pants up after his dump, stretched his arms to the sky, and yawned. He must have been planning out his day, wondering what to do next. He wore a perplexed look on his face, and proceeded to do something I had never seen him do before, in all my years monitoring the parks. &#x200B; He walked down toward Cherry Creek, dropped to his knees, and washed his hands. &#x200B; &#x200B; Later that day, Professor Chavez published his finding through the University of Chicago Newspaper. Usually, an academic article of this caliber should be published in some fancy journal, however Professor Chavez rightly assumed it would have a larger impact if published in a newspaper that was widely circulated. Given his position in the university, the newspaper would accept anything he asked them to, and the article was published that afternoon. &#x200B; &#x200B; Here is Chavez's summary of his Discovery: &#x200B; Through a rigorous literature review of past and present philosophies, it has been discovered that nobody, throughout the history of recorded time, has ever asked to be here. People may hold an opinion on whether or not they are happy to be here, but the fact remains that they were brought here without any say in the matter. Further study hopes to determine who was responsible for bringing us here, and why we were not given a choice. &#x200B; Incredible! &#x200B; &#x200B; Once Jack had finished washing his hands, he tied back his long black hair, laced up his boots, and walked towards the University of Chicago. He walked with purpose, another first for him, as he made his way up the steps to Professor Chavez' office. He threw open the wooden door in a fury. &#x200B; “What are you thinking?! Do you know what that news would do to people?” &#x200B; Professor Chavez whirled around from behind his desk and stared directly at his intruder with a look of fear on his face. &#x200B; “Nothing good! Nothing good at all!” Jack was shouting at Chavez, who just sat there bewildered. &#x200B; Chavez cleared his throat. “I'm sorry, who are you?” &#x200B; Jack replied that it didn't matter who he was, but he knew what Chavez was up to. &#x200B; “You can't just drop this bomb into the masses, it'll wreak havoc on 'em! They've been taught to live a very specific way, and you are gonna mess with their heads! Nothing subtle about this at all!” &#x200B; “Sir, just because you cannot handle the truth, doesn't mean the same of others. I think you'll find that most folks out there want to know the truth, even if it may be hard to believe at first. If you would...” &#x200B; Chavez was cut off by a sharp slap to the face. &#x200B; “Are you fucking stupid?” Jack was livid. “Nobody wants that! They want confirmation that the way they are living is the right way! This discovery will just cause people to lose their minds!” &#x200B; The argument continued, going in circles, for just short of an hour. In the end, Jack simply got bored of trying to persuade Professor Chavez. &#x200B; “Listen, I'm telling you. This is a terrible idea. I promise if you go through with this, everything will change.” Jack turned and walked out the door. &#x200B; Chavez shouted after him, “Don't underestimate the public, young man! You'll find they are more capable than you imagine!” &#x200B; Capable, indeed. &#x200B; Still in a tizzy from this argument, Professor Chavez began writing his world-changing article. &#x200B; &#x200B; Jack knew the article was published later that day when he saw a man walk into oncoming traffic, holding a newspaper in his hand. &#x200B; What an easy way to leave Here! &#x200B; This preliminary chaos ensued for a week. As Professor Chavez had said, the public was very capable. The things they happened to be capable at however, where the things that most easily brought chaos into the world. If they weren't leaving Here themselves, they found ways to make others go There. They looted, pilfered, pillaged, went haywire. &#x200B; It was a terrible week. &#x200B; &#x200B; Once the initial shock from the announcement wore off , the four distinct groups arose. The Depressed, Outcast, Greedy, and Content. The Greedy and Outcasts began petitioning for their respective philosophies. The Depressed had already left. The Content returned to life as normal, at least as normal as it could be. &#x200B; As Head of Security, my job became even more difficult. Daily protests were held in the park from all groups, usually in the vain of, “We are right, the other groups are wrong.”. Every day I sent out Security Executives. Spying on people has never been more active! &#x200B; &#x200B; The week following all the chaos, Professor Chavez went to work on his Amendment. It wasn't a formal written article, just a colloquial two minute speech. He spoke very slow, the speech itself should have lasted no more than thirty seconds. Here it is in its entirety. &#x200B; My friends, it has become aware that my Discovery was not received how I intended it to be. The Discovery is a wonderful thing! It means are free to do as we wish, as long as we are not harming anyone else in the process! Please, rejoice in knowing that you did not ask to be here, have no path forward set in stone, and can choose your destiny! &#x200B; I mentioned that he spoke slowly, yes? &#x200B; &#x200B; So Jack went on to become a leader of The Free, Professor Chavez went on to be murdered by Jack, and I went on observing it all. I never came forward with this information, and deleted the tapes instantly. However, I believe that the truth must come out. I always wondered why Jack, a man who lived Free all along would care that the Discovery was made public. &#x200B; Perhaps he was just abiding by the rules laid out in the Amendment.