text: The first time I saw myself I screamed so loud the mirror shattered. Death had turned me into its personal jack-o-lantern, carving until there was nothing left. My pale, white skin rotten to the bone. My hair limp against my face, dirty and matted like some kinda eldritch terror. This was me now; trapped in five feet and 4 inches of decomposing flesh. Missing all the things that once made me so beautiful. So happy. I was stuck on the outside of my own life, watching someone else live it. Like peering through a two-way mirror, no one the wiser. I thought something would be different when I was gone. But everything was the same. The world just kept on turning. Apate, as she called herself, looked like me now--the real me. She stood in *my* place, in *my* body, smiling, with her arm draped around *my* father. She was taking up *my* space, with *my* family, sucking up *my* air. Like she belonged there. Like she always belonged there. The perfect daughter. Cameras snapped and laughter rang out as I watched this cherished moment carry on without me. My father nodding at the not-me, his eyes filled with pride. My mother standing beside him, wondering where the years went. My sister stealing glances from the couch, pretending to be unimpressed. And the not-me, eating it up, and basking in her winnings. Another deal with another stupid human, wanting something they didn’t have--or deserve. Most people weren’t greedy enough to summon evil to their doorstep to get it. And most didn’t have to pay for their mistakes with their lives. Or their families. When the front door opened, a wave of relief washed over me. Even if my own family hadn’t noticed, Terry would, surely. Maybe it would be the slight hiss in Apate’s voice. The careless clomp of her feet. The black void in her eyes. Or the way she stood just a little too close. He’d see right through her. “You look beautiful today,” Terry said, his lips brushing her cheek. “Y’think?” She twirled around in the dress my mother had hand-stitched for me. “I’m not sure it’s my color.” This was the moment he’d know. I’d picked this fabric specifically for its lavender color. He ran a finger through her hair--hair that wasn’t even the right shade. “Of course. You just like to hear me say that.” “I guess I do.” Apate giggled, waving her hand. Then she turned to me and winked. My skin crawled. The anger rose within me like a raging fire, begging to be fed. That hiss. How could they not hear it? And I never did that with my hand. But they all just stood there like puppets. Gawking at the monster wearing *my* dress. Going to *my* Homecoming with *my* boyfriend. *Living **my** fucking life.* And no one noticed. I screamed and cried until I hit the floor. I was ready to let the void swallow me up, forever. Then I saw it. The faint flicker. A flash of the not-me’s true form. Her own eye sockets were empty, carved out like a pumpkin. Black hair swimming atop her head, tentacles with sharp yellow eyes and razor tongues. Skin and bone protruding through peeling flesh. The putrid smell of rot seeping into the air. Apate froze, trying so hard to hide her panic. My emotions were draining her power. I wailed like a banshee in the night. The anger surging within me descended upon her like dancing red flames. Each one alive and hungry, ready to devour. I let it all out; the regret, the sadness, the despair. The fear that I’d never again know my father’s pride or my mother’s love, or see my sister’s stolen glances. Or feel my boyfriend’s fingers brush the side of my face. My feelings took on a life of their own. I screamed and yelled; I banged against the invisible boundary that separated me from them. “You can’t have my life!” I said, my voice hoarse. The wall between us fell. The surge of energy hit me and I fell to my knees before my terrified family. Eyes darted between me and the not-me, who stood in her ugly truth, naked and raw. For a few moments, Apate and I stared into one another. The room fell away and it was just us. Two very different versions of the same thing. The same *person*. A before and after image. “You think you’re a clever girl,” she said. “No, I don’t. I just want my life back.” Silence fell upon us. Apate’s empty eyes filled with sadness as her gaze fell to the floor. The creature who was once so tough and powerful, now stood before me, limp and defeated. Her imposing form was nothing but another mask. “You don’t deserve them,” she said. “What? They are *my* family... you... you tricked me!” “Yes.” “Yes? That’s all you have to say? You tried to steal my... my life!” “I tricked you and I broke the deal. I just--I wanted to--” Her voice trailed off, but I understood. I understood all the things she could not say. Her despair, her loneliness, her broken spirit. The pain she’d carried for so long. She wanted what I wanted: to be seen, heard, loved. Deeply and truly. We weren’t so different in the end. Apate stepped forward. “I don’t think I’ve ever felt... real love. But you, you have everything. And live as if it is nothing. As if you deserve something better. You only cared once I took it from you.” Her words were like daggers, slicing straight into my soul. “That’s not true.” But it was, mostly. I loved my family, I did. But despite having everything I ever needed, I felt so alone. Alone in a crowded room. Like I was watching everything happen from a distance. “I would give anything to have what you do. You only had a taste of what I have felt for over a thousand years.” She continued to tell me her story, from the family she never had, to the hardships she endured, all the way to the curse the Gods had placed on her. And her years spent in dark solitude, watching the world go by, but powerless to interact with it. Longing to feel something--anything--that wasn’t painful. “Why did they curse you?” I asked. She thought for a moment, eyeing me carefully. “I trusted someone I shouldn’t have. I wanted more than I had.” Just like me. The longer we talked, the more I understood, and the closer we became. Two women trying to find love, trying to find their place in the world. She never did tell me the specifics of why she was cursed; she kept that secret close and guarded it carefully. But that was okay, I understood that. She had given me so much in the end. The greatest gifts one could ask for; the ones I truly needed. My family. Love. *Myself*. Even friendship. So, I gave her a gift in return. But there was only one thing she wanted. Now, once a year, on the eve of Halloween, Apate walks the Earth again, in my body. She wears my face and uses my voice. For twenty-four hours, she lives my life. We’ve been doing this for five years. No one has noticed--which has been no surprise. But something was different this last time. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I don’t completely feel like myself. There’s a darkness hanging over me, an unfamiliarity in my movements. Like maybe--just maybe--this body isn’t mine. And maybe I’ve been tricked once again. *** *** - Thanks so much for reading! This was an rewrite and extended version of a piece I wrote for r/WritingPrompts on Theme Thursday: Punishment. - Feedback is welcome.