text: “Well,” Adam scoffed. “This is a surprise.” Julia took him in. In truth, she didn’t want to break up with him, but she knew he wanted to break up with her. Actually, he didn’t want to break up with her, and that was the problem. He wanted her to break up with him, and he wanted her to know that and end their relationship while he pretended that he was being dumped out of the blue. Relationships are tricky things, especially when they involve men. And extra especially when they involve men like Adam. Adam was the kind of guy who called himself an ardent atheist but Julia believed would more truthfully identify himself as *raised catholic.* There are many men in the world who were raised catholic, and Julia did not begrudge any of them on the basis of their upbringing, but it was the devout ex-Catholics, the zealots, that she had grown to be wary of. They tipped their hand when they called themselves atheists without being asked, or specified that they only had a problem with “organized religion.” What they were really saying was “I had to wake up early every Sunday and do something boring and I still haven’t forgiven my bitch mom for not letting me watch cartoons.” They escaped the more heinous abuses that a boy might have suffered as a congregant, but they were told masturbating was a sin and they couldn’t have cheeseburgers on Fridays. In their eyes, the adults perpetrating those mistreatments might as well have been kiddie diddlers, and they relished the church’s scandals as evidence of their khaki-clad childhood struggles. A decade of dating had taught Julia that while you could take the altar boy out of the church, you couldn’t extract a lifetime’s worth of new testament values from a grown man. These guys could rail all they wanted about the abominable apostasy, but they would always be a former faithful, and there was no honor held in higher regard than victimhood. They could cover themselves with tattoos and piercings, kiss their college roommate, and paste anarchy stickers on their MacBook pro, but deep down they still strove to be a lamb. They would never unlearn the saintly virtue of meekness. Adam wanted to break up, but he wouldn’t because he could not find the salvation that he didn’t believe in unless he was nailed to a cross. Adam raised his eyebrows and cocked his head to the side as if he were steeling himself against the pain and disbelief of their conversation. Julia felt a sudden and powerful wave of resentment towards him. She couldn't believe how hard he was going to make this for her. She still loved him, and if she had her way they would be laying on the couch watching Naked and Afraid and eating leftover pad thai. But Adam had made it clear over the past few weeks that he was done, and even now, his eyes were goading her to continue. “I feel as though we’ve been growing apart for a while now. We hardly see each other, and honestly, I don’t see it getting better anytime soon.” Julia felt a bit cliche with her choice of words, but there wasn’t much for her to go off of. Besides, what she said didn’t really matter. This was just a formality. *Sign here, here, initial here, unfollow me on Instagram, and we’re all set! You will receive a message in two to three business days confirming the results of your breakup.* Adam scoffed again. His performance was hammy. He dropped his arms to his side in mock defeat. *C’mon* Julia thought. *Give it a bit more passion. If you’re not convincing me, you’re not convincing Jesus.* “I mean, Is there someone else?” He flatly delivered the line, but Julia was still stunned. How could he possibly think that? How could he be so cruel as to ask it? He had been her entire life for nearly a year and a half now. He was the one in the past two months who had stopped picking up the phone and started canceling dates. She was willing to go along with the “Yes, and...” to see the moment through, but not to this extent. She stood silent in front of him. Adam flicked his thumbs out towards her, his palms like two fish flashing their bellies on the surface of the pond. His face was frozen in a slack-jawed wide-eyed expression. It was an awkward moment. Julia felt like they were on stage and she had forgotten her lines. “N-no.” She stammered. “There’s no one else.” Adam remained frozen and silent, obviously unsatisfied with the thoroughness of her response. Julia took a breath and continued “But I suppose I do want to be free to explore my options. This isn’t working.” A look of relief graced Adam’s face for a moment before he scowled in anger “Well! That’s all I needed to hear! Just wish you wouldn’t have wasted a year of my life before tossing me aside to see what other dick is on the market!” He grabbed his sneakers but didn’t even put them on before storming out of the apartment and slamming the door behind him. Julia stood alone and sighed. “It was seventeen months, actually.