text: Dear Hollie, &#x200B; You were fine that weekend, we played and walked and cuddled like every day. I told you I loved you like I did every single day and you looked at me the way you always did, with eyes that held enough love for a thousand lifetimes and I knew you were saying “I love you too Mama”. You slept between us like you did each night, snuggled up tightly between Mummy and Daddy. To think that night would be our last, I had no idea. Did you HollieBear? Did you know something wasn’t right? When I got up the next morning I knew something was off. I rang your Daddy, but he said you seemed fine when he left for work. You wouldn’t eat your breakfast, which immediately caused alarm, because you loved your food more than anything. So, I decided to keep an eye on you for the rest of the day, hoping it was just an upset tummy, nothing to worry about. Hours past and you still didn’t eat or drink anything. My sweet babygirl, I know now you must have been hurting but you still gave me all the cuddles and snuggles you could. You still looked up at me with those beautiful brown eyes, those eyes that had loved me for nine years and would always love me. “I love you baby” I repeated as I sat and rubbed your head, pets were your weakness, I know you could never resist. Instead you would insist on more and more pets until my hand went numb, but I didn’t care. You are my baby and I wanted nothing more than to give you what you wanted. Daddy came home after 5pm, still you barked at the sound of his car and wagged your fluffy tail with excitement as he walked through the door. He knew something wasn’t right, you just weren’t yourself that day my love. Then you needed to go outside so he let you out and that was the moment things got bad. As soon as you stepped foot outside you were sick, blood was everywhere. In that moment of chaos, I realised how much of a good girl you were, you knew you would be sick but still waited until you were outdoors. That’s my HollieBear, always a good girl. The sight of the blood sent fear throughout my entire body, a million thoughts racing through my head, but I rang the vet and they wanted you right away. So, we gathered up some blankets and your favourite teddy bear; I remember as soon as we opened the front door you bounced about with excitement, you thought it was time for a walk. It made me happy to see you bounce about and I thought, everything will be okay. Into the car we went and drove to the vet. I sat in the back with you, rubbing your tummy and scratching your ears, I must have told you I loved you a thousand times on that journey. You gave me kisses and rested your head on my shoulder. Everything will be okay. But then you were sick again, all over me and the car, and you looked at me with such disappointment, but I didn’t care babygirl, I only wanted you to be okay. You didn’t need to feel bad, you couldn’t help it. I tried to reassure you “you’re still a good girl Hollie”, but I felt your unease. You lived to please and make me happy and I know you could sense my unhappiness then, but that was only because I was worried about you baby. We waited outside for the vet to arrive, Mummy and Daddy were both nervous, but you, you were just as playful as ever. Jumping and bouncing about, trying to make us happy; and you did. We forgot you weren’t well for a while. We forgot why we were at the vet. That was part of your magic, you made all the bad things melt away. The vet examined you and we told her everything you’d eaten the past few days, nothing out of the ordinary. She wanted to keep you overnight and get some tests and x-rays done. Of course, I didn’t want to leave you, I never wanted to leave you. You had been by my side since I was sixteen years old, you were always with me, but I knew it was for the best. So, I kissed and kissed and kissed your gorgeous face, I told you I loved you and that everything would be okay. I gave the vet your teddy bear so you wouldn’t be lonely and then I left. I’m sorry that I left you baby, I wish I had known that was the last time I would see your loving face. I’m sorry I left you Hollie. I’m sorry. I worried about you all night, I rang Granny and Grandad and told them what was going on, they passed the news on to everyone else - this family you were part of, each and every one of us adored you. We all wanted you to get better baby. The next morning, I received a call, the x-ray showed your bowel was twisted, you needed to have an operation. I remember constantly telling myself that everything would be okay, I hoped you could sense what I was feeling and that you weren’t afraid. Mummy and Daddy worried all afternoon until we got the call to say the surgery went well! Finally, some good news. You were still sleeping when they rang but they said things were looking good, but because your bowel had been twisted you were still at risk. Not out of the woods yet the vet said. He would ring me again that night and update me. We tried to distract ourselves that day, sending you happy and positive thoughts. Everything would be okay, it needed to be okay, you needed to be okay because I needed you. You were the one constant thing in my life, the past few years had been hard for me, I know you know that because you saved my life more than once. So, I knew you would come home to me. I just knew it. He rang that night and said you ate some dinner. Our hearts were so happy, we updated the family, and everyone seemed relieved. Still had a long way to go though he said. That night I will remember for the rest of my life. I just had a bad feeling and it kept me awake all night. Maybe it was because you weren’t lying there beside me, keeping me safe, or maybe I knew, deep down. You remember the lights in the house Hollie? They were sensor lights and would come on automatically if someone walked by. We kept them on all night, every night in case you needed to go downstairs for a drink. The last I looked at the time it was around 5.45am, then as I was lying there next to Daddy the light on the landing suddenly came on. Weird. That’s never happened before. I immediately woke up Daddy, so he could see for himself, I wasn’t scared exactly, I didn’t think it was an intruder or anything like that. I just forgot for a second you weren’t at home and thought it was you. I hoped it was you. Hoped you came home to me. 8am that morning, I got the call no one wants. You’d taken your forever sleep. I don’t remember much of what the vet said because I screamed, I screamed this inhumane scream, a scream you only make when your heart has literally shattered into pieces. I broke down on the floor and wailed “no, not my baby. Please. Not my babygirl”. I couldn’t breathe HollieBear, the air had been sucked out of my lungs, the panic set in and tears streamed endlessly down my face. I needed you, you were the only one who could keep me calm when bad things happened. But now you were gone. I don’t remember much else from that morning, just this horrible feeling that a part of me died with you and I would never get it back. I screamed and cried and screamed some more, Daddy was crying too. When we calmed down a bit we rang the vet and got the details on what had happened. He checked on you at 2am and everything was okay, you were sleeping, but he told me you had passed away sometime between 4am and 6am. I was so angry he didn’t ring me as soon as he found you because I wanted to see you, hold you. We decided to go and see you in a few hours, after clinic hours - so the place would be empty and quiet. Granny was with me then, she was just as inconsolable as I was, but she tried to be strong and hold back her heartbreak for me. She loved you just as much as I did, and her heart was just as broken, but she comforted me, the way you would normally do. I’ll be eternally grateful for that, you taught us all compassion babygirl. I knew that your life had only ever been filled with limitless love, but in those moments all I felt was shame and anger and sadness, for all the times I was too tired to walk you, too sad to play with you, all the times I lost my temper and shouted at you over stupid meaningless things. Please know babygirl, I didn’t know any better, please know I didn’t mean it. The past few years you were the only person in the entire world I could count on, the days when I considered leaving this earth forever you stopped me; just by looking at me with love in your eyes and a wagging tail you stopped me. How could I possibly live without you now? I still needed you. I wasn’t better yet, I needed you to help me more. When I would wake up at night with a panic attack you were there beside me, wide awake and reassuring me everything was okay. When I decided to leave the house for the first time in six months you were right there beside me, keeping me safe and my anxiety at bay. When I hadn’t showered or washed in weeks you didn’t care, you never judged me, you only loved me. When nothing else in the world could make me smile, you did baby. You always put a smile on my face, because how could I ever be truly depressed or suicidal when I had you, this gorgeous girl I didn’t deserve, loving me so unconditionally, never leaving my side. How could I live now, now that you were gone? Going to see you once last time was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. You were lying on those cold, metal tables with blankets wrapped around you. Your pink bandana around your neck and your teddy bear under your chin. Oh, how I hated that moment my love. I fucking hated seeing you there. It seemed like you were sleeping, but I knew you weren’t. I ran to you and hugged you tighter than I ever had before. I told you I loved you, I hoped you heard me. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you my sweet babygirl. I’m sorry you were alone. I should have been there for you, like you were there for me. It wasn’t like in those movies where everyone is gathered around and can say goodbye. I didn’t get to say goodbye! I left you all alone! There was no decision to be made, you were just taken from me. I was angry Hollie, for a long time after I was so so angry, especially at myself. I hated that I left you and never saw you again. I hated the fact you were probably scared and wondering where I was. But I was waiting for you baby, I really thought you were coming home. I know that you would have, if you could. I know you would have run a million miles to come home to me. I don’t blame you baby, so don’t feel bad, it was your time to go. I just wish I could have said goodbye and told you I loved you and that everything would be okay, because it is now HollieBear. You helped me overcome my issues more than any drug or therapist ever could. You were my Mary Poppins. You had done your job, you made me safe and loved me and helped me get better. You were my rock, for nine wonderful years, bit by bit you removed the darkness that had consumed me and brought light into my life. I’m going to University now in a few months, something I’d dreamt of doing for years, but I’m going now, finally, because you gave me the strength and courage I needed to finally achieve my dreams. You have a little brother now as well! His name is Finley, you would have loved him Holliebear! Oh, the things you could have taught him, the wisdom you could have gave him! He won’t stop eating the remote controls for the TV, he’s ate three already, I know if you were here you would have taught him how to be a good dog. But he’s learning, he gets better and bigger with each passing day. You honestly would have adored him. I guess that’s why I’m writing this letter baby, I wanted to tell you that I still live with the pain of losing you every single day, my heart may never be whole again, but you taught me how to love and how to never give up. So, I actually live life now, my mental health has gotten so much better baby, all because of you. You saved my life Hollie, I wish I could have saved yours. I will never forget the short time we had together, you will always be a part of me. And although my heart is still broken, I know it can be mended because you brought light into my life and that light will never go out again. HollieBear, I will love you until I take my forever sleep. Thank you for being the best good girl I ever could have asked for. Until we meet again, at the rainbow bridge. Love forever, Your Mama.