text: They lied in the bed motionless, sweaty, and exhausted. Air was the only blanket he couldn’t remove, and even that was weighing him down with a heavy layer of heat. The entire world was an oven that could not be escaped. The fires raged on. She had turned on a miniature metaphorical air conditioning unit on by opening the bedroom window as he had requested. But in the moment, there would be no relief. It was a happy suffering, though, for both parties Theo presumed. The climax of sexual intercourse had subsided, but the aroma of satisfaction had lingered. There was a smell wafting through the room. “It smells like sex in here.” Theo announced, not sure of what to say. “What the fuck else would it smell like.”, retorted Fae, sarcastically as she rose from the mattress and threw on a sweater she grabbed from the floor too short to cover her lower half. Theo noticed the thick layer of snow that weeks worth of dirty clothes had formed on what he understood was a hardwood floor. He didn’t mind, it was a nice change from what he was used to seeing in a lover’s bedroom. Once returning to the bed, she removed the sweater. Theo found the application and subsequent removal of the sweater odd, yet remained silent . She hopped under the covers, seemingly unphased. *How is she not dying,* thought Theo, as he melted into the sheets. Fae was cool, in temperature as well as temperament. This seemed almost normal to her. As if it were any other night. The ever-analysing Theo noticed she wasn’t very cuddly as this moment, which may mean she was sexually satisfied as he had read online previously. Another side of Theo told him that she didn’t want to because she was unattracted to him, as he was heavier-set than the typical young adult. They had cuddled extensively the past three occasions, so he reassured himself that his initial thought must be true. *Who doesn’t love cuddling a fat guy?* Theo thought. For once he thought in his own favour. They sat in silence as their heavy breathing had gradually subsided. “How was that for you?”, Theo inquired as he always does. “It was good”. Fae replied. Theo didn’t know why he would always ask. It was just a given. It was not as though she would say anything unpleasant anyway as post-sex was not the optimal time for confrontation. He dived deep into his mind, realizing he may have an unresolved need for reassurance. It was most likely true. Where it came from though, he did not know. Hopefully he would reflect on that later. For now he was focused on his ‘partner’ beside him. She was the most attractive person he’d ever been with, bar none. She looked similar to Ary in that she was short, a shade over five feet. That was where the comparison ended, though. She had long dirty blond hair that would always get caught between them. He had never checked, but he could’ve sworn it had to have gone down to the lower half of her back, if not the peak of her cheeks. Her cheeks where amazing, the ones on her face as well as those on her posterior. He wasn’t sure which he enjoyed more, her smile or her thick ass. Probably her ass. He also acknowledged her breasts. Which were fairly large for her size. Theo knew they were larger than Ary’s had been, definitively. Her most arousing feature, though, were her eyes. They were the brightest possible shade of blue. Lighter than the clearest lake and just as moist. Whenever they would converse, he had to avoid looking into them because he would get lost. He would lose track of what she was talking about. They were dangerous, and he would do anything to feed that addiction. She wore glasses occasionally, which he found attractive even if she despised them. Funnily enough she couldn’t really see. Wearing the glasses was a win-win for both. He couldn’t believe he had managed to de-clothe a woman so attractive, so out of his league, and so soon after his previous relationship. “Want a hit of that?”, she said seemingly out of the blue, staring at the half smoked joint at the side of the bed in a mason jar. Theo stumbled a bit on his words before replying, “Uh, no I think ill be fine”. In his own head he wondered whether she would think it was cool that he decided when he wanted to get high or not, or if he was being a pussy. This is where Theo’s mind went naturally, and typically. He would tell himself ironically that his greatest talent was overthinking. Eventually, when their bodies cooled off, Fae shuffled on closer to Theo and wrapped herself in him, to his satisfaction. His face was pressed in her bosom, while his left leg was intertwined between hers. He thought his leg was probably too close to her slit, so he retracted it ever so slightly unbeknownst to her. He felt relief. It was nice to be cuddled again. It had only been a couple of months, but at one point he thought he would never feel it again. For ten years he had taken cuddling for granted. She ran her hands across his back, back and forth as she was wont to do. It tickled him slightly uncomfortably, but he decided he enjoyed it and let her continue. It was peaceful. It was quiet. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, but a silence he thought both parties were enjoying. Silence, however, was Theo’s bane. He was always anxious of silence, presuming it was of the awkward fashion. He decided that this moment was of the acceptable kind, so he let it slide just this once. It had been his fourth time at her apartment in two weeks. He had gone there the first two times drunk, and the last two times he went sober. The third time he went sober and they ended up getting drunk. The fourth, he was essentially sober throughout the duration with a couple glasses of wine mixed in. All four times he spent the night. He thought she must’ve enjoyed his company if she keeps letting him stay until the next morning. The first night he left at the break of dawn. Partly because of nerves and anxiety, and partly because of having to attend class. They had been up until roughly 5:30am. To say he was well rested was a flat out lie. The second time he stayed until the next afternoon. That night they had been awake at 6:00am, the last time he had checked his phone. They woke up in the late morning, relaxed, then she drove him home. The third and fourth time Theo had gone during the daytime hours, sober. They would talk, watch Netflix, cook for each other, and fuck until the sun began to sprout. They had yet to sleep before 1:00am. Though the clock would tick less each time they hung out. He wasn’t sure how he did It. But he was essentially staying at her place twice a week. Theo had no intention of being in this position. Hell, less than 2 months ago he had never envisioned sleeping next to someone with blonde hair. He distinctly remembered thinking, before Ary had left, that Fae was incredibly attractive, but a forbidden fruit. He was spoken for. Now, he had free speech. His own free speech. Theo had thought very little of himself and figured it would take years for something like this to happen. One night at the local club they regularly attended, Theo, feeling confident after many drinks, had asked her to dance. That ended up as their first night together. He remembered laughing to himself as his classmate, Ron, picked him up in the morning. Ron had told Theo he was glowing. Theo knew exactly what he was talking about as that was how he felt too. This all was new and exciting to Theo. He had never done anything resembling this in his 25 years of life. Drinking, going back to someone’s house, and sleeping with them. This seemed standard for other humans. He was just excited to be apart of it. What he wasn’t sure was normal were the two sober nights. It seemed odd that they continued this sexual escapade. He figured he must be doing something right. It was the two additional appointments that also confused him. Again, this was new to him, especially this part. Was this the beginning of a new relationship? Was she only interested in the sex? What’s the next move? Theo, as always, was unsure. He was over Ary but was frequently told not to jump into something too quickly. That was not his intention whatsoever. Theo was extremely fond of Fae, this is true, but he wouldn’t admit that he was actively chasing her. He was, however, just trying to live in the moment and not worry about it now. He knew eventually, if this kept up, that they would have to have that conversation. It became apparent to Theo that he was addicted. He was hooked on the uncertainty, the risk. For 10 years he had been complacent when it came to women. He had no need to care what they thought, or even visualize them as sexual partners for anything more than his spank bank. Now though, anything could happen with anyone at anytime, it seemed. It was addicting. When Fae and Theo were apart they would barely communicate. Theo would ride the ups and downs of the wave that was virtual communication. Occasionally, she would initiate conversation. This would always get Theo high. However, a few messages later she would leave him on read, as the kids say. As often as this happened to Theo, he would do the same. It was a cycle. It was stressful for him. The lows were Hades and the highs were Mount Olympus. This new found chase and run was a new feeling, and he liked it. Every time he left her place, he would leave happy, satisfied. As soon as he left he would feel despair and regret for things unsaid and unspoken, then he would feel towards the sense he would never return. Always, in the middle of the week, communication would ramp up and he’d find himself back there. Albeit a small sample size, there was a pattern. At this moment Theo had not noticed. Now they both lie in the bed, finally relaxed and cooled. “If we were quarantined for an indefinite period of time, and we weren’t in school right now, what would you be doing?” Questioned Theo. This was Theo’s favorite part of sex: pillow talk. He enjoyed it especially now because she also seemed to enjoy it. It was nice to have a partner who appreciated long, deep conversations as much as him. “Oh wow, uh...”. She paused momentarily, then snickered, “that question makes me feel like I don’t do anything or have any hobbies.” Theo laughed before replying. “Well if you couldn’t go outside for weeks, you could only watch so many movies, right? Eventually you would get bored. After lounging around and doing fuck all for a few days, what would be the next best thing you would do so you wouldn’t lose your mind? Or like what would be the first thing you would like to catch up on or spend more time doing? “Uhh ok, I know, I would be painting. I love to paint. I like to use acrylic paint mostly. I haven’t been able to do much recently and I’d love to get back into that. If you’ve looked closely you would’ve seen that I painted that fridge magnet. That’s all I have here of examples of my painting.” Theo proceeded to get out of bed, still naked, appendage swinging about. He returned momentarily. “That’s nice, I’d love to see more of your work sometime. I love when people get excited about things they do, no matter how dorky or how much I don’t understand.” He explained. “Ya, maybe sometime. For now, you’ll just have to stare at the mountains and trees on the magnet. Don’t ask for my inspiration, because I didn’t have any. Just drew cute shit.” They both chuckled. He put his head in her bosom again, where he felt comforted and safe. Only for a moment though, as he followed up the question. “Have you ever been to the mountains?’ “Ya, only one time.” She paused. “I haven’t really been away from home or out of the country. Even three years ago the farthest I had been was Edmonton and I have family there so that why. I went to Jasper a couple years ago with my family. It was so beautiful, Theo. I want to go back so bad sometime. I mean I don’t have the time right now, but sometime, maybe this summer I would like to go again, or at least somewhere like it.” She drew a large breath as she often forgot to breathe. Theo thought it was so cute and funny that she would do that. Hearing his name on another woman’s lips was also something Theo appreciated. Theo felt bad for her that she hadn’t been many places. Theo himself had been across the world. Not so much as a student of the world, or an individual trying to find their self, but a respectable amount. He had been to Italy, Greece, Mexico, across Canada, and Cuba to name a few. He knew that it was a bad time to mention that as she had been deprived of it. He also thought about saying that he would take her to the mountains again. Cooler heads prevailed though as he stopped himself in his tracks. *That would’ve been a little presumptuous and goofy,* Theo thought. He smiled and replied, “I really do hope you get to go back someday, and I hope you can travel like you seem to want to.” She smirked in response. This is what Theo loved about pillow talking, how it could start at one place and end in another. In the end, both parties would learn about each other too. He loved getting to know people. After sex with someone is the best opportunity for that as there is no longer the professional or social mask that people wear. During sex you see the ugliest parts of people; their ridiculous O-faces, or their nastiest desires. In the end, there is nothing left to hide as the mask that would conceal all your dark wants and desires is lifted. This leaves a perfect opportunity to get down to the person, Theo would tell himself. After sex, Fae’s nasty wants and desires were apparent. Even during sex they could be seen, too. Some would call her a freak. Theo just thought it was awesome that she knew what she liked. She liked it rough. Occasionally Theo would choke her, slap her ass, and squeeze her nipples. She liked the pain. Theo was always worried that he was being too aggressive. After some contemplation he understood that she would tell him if it was, as she always would tell it as it was. He enjoyed being with someone who was comfortable with their own sexuality, no matter how odd. After being with Ary for years, who wasn’t sure what she liked sexually, let alone masturbated, it was refreshing. They continued on the subject, fucked again, then slowly faded into sleep. It was 01:45 am. Morning came all too quickly. The large, clothe-ridden floor of her apartment bedroom was pierced with rays of early morning sunlight. The room was lit, almost completely it seemed. For the second consecutive time, she had forgotten to lower the shades before fading into sleep. There were two large and slender, 6’ - 0” x 3’- 0” windows. The glazing unit furthest from the bed was the same she had opened for ventilation the night prior. Theo was unsure if the window behind the bed was operable. No matter the operation, the windows were allowing in sunlight to the best of their potential. It appeared the sun’s rays were penetrating on all sides of the apartment complex. Sleeping was no longer an option. Theo did not rest well in the daylight he remembered. When he was younger, he would spend most of his free time at his friend Larry’s place. They were close when they were children now estranged. He would stay the night consistently through Elementary and High School. It was a home away from home. The windows were much larger in his house, however. The window spanned nearly the entire wall. Theo would lie in bed, awake. He would be the only one conscious, left alone to his thoughts. He would wait hours before the house was awoke. In those days he didn’t have a phone accessible within arms reach, so he would never know the time. He now found himself in a similar situation, albeit with a device to check the time. He started at the ceiling momentarily. Processing the night before, smiling, he thought of their conversations, the great sex. She had let him finish inside her. She said she had a device that prevented pregnancy. He didn’t know the complexity or details of the device, but he believed her. She had told him that the second time they fucked, even though the first occasion they didn’t use protection. He could almost hear his mother’s furious tone, instructing him to be safe. He had been safe every other sexual encounter in the past 10 years. *Fuck it,* Theo would think. It felt too good not to, even though he rarely would finish. He perceived that to be unusual as he is usually premature. These were new times, new experiences, and new sex. He continued grinning. He couldn’t believe he was here, so soon. He turned his body to her. Her back turned to him, he couldn’t help but compare. *She’s small, and long haired. She almost looks like her hair is dark in the shade of the suns arms. Those curves are similar, I mean for Christ’s sake they have the same birthmark in their ‘V’.* He reached his arm to her hips, elbow half extended. He laid his arm there. It was soft, yet rough on her scaley portion. He would often ponder that her skin reflected her personality. The typical skin was moist and plump. The odd section of skin would expose her Psoriasis. Said aloud, ‘her skin is soft and rigid’, it presented her body as an oxymoron. The comparison to her personality was that she was rigid, tough, aggressive, and sassy. At the same time, she was extremely soft and empathetic to others and their feelings. She was two things that were opposite to each other. He loved the feeling of her skin, though. Theo could tell she was a little conservative and anxious about her skin and her ailment. He did not care, he enjoyed the poetry it depicted. The rough skin almost felt nice, the way a cat’s tongue feels as it licks. After holding his hand on her hip momentarily, he determined she was not yet awake. Once again he was left alone to his thoughts. Initially, his thought were positive, euphoric in a sense. Over the course of an hour, his mind descended, as it does. It started at thoughts such as, ‘I wonder if she had a good time.’, to, ’She probably didn’t want him here anymore, or at all. She got what she needed. Your just an annoyance.’ He hadn’t thought these thoughts about anyone since Ary, two months ago. It could be assumed that was because there wasn’t another occasion where it could be possibly before today, and after the dumping. He noticed the dark pattern and tried to shake himself out of it. He told himself he had, but unconsciously continued the pattern. She rolled over, caressed his arm, indicating she was awake and melting his anxieties away. Her normally large, moist, lake-blue eyes were dry, squinty, slits. She looked tired and barely awake. “Morning.”, she mumbled out while dipping her head into the crevice between his chest and arm pit. “Morning,” Theo said while giggling at her tiredness, “How was your sleep?”. “I need more”. Theo caressed her momentarily. She reciprocated. He then removed his body from hers, and proceeded to apply undergarments and explained that he had to attend an online class. “Ugh, I should get up to.” She managed while remaining motionless. She was lazy and unmotivated. It was like her and his ex were polar opposites. Once half-clothed in underwear and kahkies, he waddled over to the couch, where he left his laptop. He opened it, attended his class, shirtless, belly exposed. He was thankful the class required no student video or he would have been laughed at extensively. The class lasted 20 minutes in what Theo had perceived to be pointless. He regretted leaving the bed, while closing his laptop. He was fully awake now. He trotted carefully back to her room. “You want breakfast?” “mmmm, yeah I would.” Theo shuffled back to her small kitchen, which still appeared as though a herd of bulls had rammed through from the night before. The night before they cooked shrimp fettucine alfredo, which required a lot of cookware. She also only had one sink, and limited counterspace, hence the mess. Theo grabbed the leftover mushrooms from the fridge along with eggs. He built fried eggs and sautéed mushrooms. He called her out to eat. While Theo had a pep in his step, Fae was sluggish. Tired, she staggered to the couch, where she usually ate. She was a slow eater, he noticed. He didn’t spite that. It was a reminder, though. He didn’t need any reminders right now. Those were negative and detrimental he thought. He ignored the thought, grabbed his food and ate beside her on the couch. They talked for a while, in between online classes. They conversed about the night before. Theo apologized for the undercooked fettucine, while she argued that they were fine. They talked about her classes. They made fun of the teachers. They laughed. It was a good morning. Though, Theo detected an increase of awkward silences as time passed. With it being now close to noon, and the fact that she had to work on a presentation, Theo determined it was time to leave. “I better get going, I have work to do, and I don’t want to bother you with your work. I hope you enjoyed me cooking for you, twice. I like feeding you. Even if my noodles are a bit on the al dante side.” He joked while putting on his coat and edging towards the door. She acknowledged he should leave. He couldn’t tell if that was what she wanted or if she was okay with him leaving. He figured she would have told him to leave if that’s what she wanted. She followed him to the door as he was installing his shoes to his feet. “I have fun when I’m here. You’re really easy to talk to. It’s great. Let’s do this again sometime. “, he said, not sure of what else to say. Then, he wasn’t sure what the next move was. Does he go for a kiss? Does he walk out the door? Hug? He was unsure. “Ya me too, I have a good time with you”. She replied with a smile. In that moment he decided: *A kiss it is.* He leaned in, anxiously smiling. She grabbed his head in closer and tangled their lips, occasionally their tongues. He figured the kiss lasted about 40 seconds. It was 40 seconds of aggressive kissing, groping, and lip biting. She lightly pressed her hand against his chest, indicating wanted separation. “You’d better go.” Fae some how said sternly while maintaining a loose smirk. Theo now regretted his decision to leave, but not the decision to lean in. He said goodbye and walked out the apartment complex down two flights of stairs. He opened the glass door leading to the exterior. He unlocked and opened the driver door of his two-door Volvo, started it and drove away. He made a point of not looking back to her second floor window which was centered over the front entrance of the building. As soon as he was out of viewing range from the apartment, he smiled ear to ear. The silence of the road with cut with a sharp, “WOOOOOOOO!”, emitting from Theo’s throat. He felt alive. Now that they were apart, the roller coaster began. Positivity was in abundance Friday, the day he went home, Saturday and Sunday. With each passing day, doubt crept into his mind. ‘Why hasn’t she texted me yet.’ Theo remembered thinking Monday morning before class. All day during various lectures Theo wondered and received no answer or text. He remembered them lying in bed, with his right leg between her two. It was a great moment, so he thought. ‘Does Fae not feel the same about that? Am I just a means to an end for her?’ Even though they had spent so much time together over the past two weeks, his mind trembled with fear. He told himself he didn’t care about her, that this was just a fling. Deep down though, he knew he could not get hurt again. Ary had done damage to him. After 10 years, 10 years, she had called him to tell him that it was over. No forecast could have predicting the downfall. He received no closure, no reassurance, nothing. She had told him the classic, it’s not you it’s me line that would be seen in 9/10 romantic comedies. Although, prior to saying this she had brought to light some character flaws of his. It was most definitely a mixed message. She left him high and dry. She left him alone. She left him shattered. He was over her, only two months later. Anxiety had taken him. The mind inside Theo had convinced him that he was nothing to her, to both of them. That he was nothing to anybody. Theo descended, self-confidence at an all time low. He spoke to no one unless out of necessity for all of Wednesday. He was shattered again, left thinking of the women who left him. Ary had never liked him, just used him for personal need, he told himself. Now Fae, too. At rock bottom, he was all alone. It was Thursday afternoon that he received a message from Fae. It was a meaningless snapchat. Theo didn’t even look at the words. He just stared at the eyes on the screen. *How could eyes possibly be that fucking moist,* Theo thought, bewildered. He left the picture open for 10 minutes, staring, before he let the picture disintegrate into virtual thin air. He didn’t even reply. He sat on his couch wondering how he got so lucky. Was it right time, right place? He would never know. He knew now that he was in the right place at the present. Now he was on top of the wave. He was euphoric. Despite not answering then, conversation had commenced, as the pattern would typically follow. They had arranged another meeting at her apartment for Saturday afternoon. They planned nothing but to spend time together. Saturday, as he left to her place as to arrive fashionably late, he began to worry. The worries stretched from, ‘what do I say?’ to, ’am I replacing Ary? Am I doing what I was told by so many not to do?’. He didn’t care, he was over her. If that was were the wave was headed, then follow it. He continued, feeling light, feeling free. His phone rang in his right-side pocket. While driving he pulled it out. The smile on his face diffused as the word ‘Aryanne:)’ displayed on the center of the screen with an option in red, and an option in green below. While waiting to decide his path he arrived at the apartment. The Volvo was now parked directly across from the window centered above the entry. Fae stared at him through the window, smiling, as he tapped on the green option on his phone.