text: #Heart Surgery “We can’t afford that!” She yelled loudly, the sound riverbed throughout the small room. Not only was the room loud, but it was freezing as well. But not even the freezing temperature of the room could bother me, something much greater was paining me. The doctor replied, “I’m sorry, but I can’t lower the price any more than that, you’re just going to need to find another way to pay that” My wife’s face got red with anger, but blue with tears. Not only was she screaming at this point, but she was making a scene. But was that the most of our worries? I doubt it. Our newborn child was born yesterday. But she wasn’t in good health, she and her heart were suffering deeply and she was going to die by tomorrow if she wasn’t treated by then. However we couldn’t afford it, we were too busy paying for my chemotherapy. We could barely afford my treatment, but now we had to pay for our child’s heart surgery as well. Now she was on the floor, begging for the price to be dropped. I never thought I could see so much desperation on one’s face before, it was heartbreaking. On top of that, it was the person I loved. Seeing this much pain in someone so close to me was more painful than anything I’ve ever experienced. She has been arguing with the doctor for over an hour, and after all this I knew that we could never convince him to magically drop the price. We had to leave. I tried to comfort her, and tell her we needed to go home. But she wouldn’t budge. No matter how hard I tried she stayed there, crying and begging. I gave up and walked outside. I sat on the ground for another hour, thinking. I knew we couldn’t afford insurance, my treatment, and the surgery. My first and only child is going to die. I can’t live with that, seeing her beautiful eyes first opening up filled me with so much love and hope that I could never allow that to fade away. I knew what I had to do. After waiting forever, my wife finally came out the door. Her face was red, snot was rolling out of her nostrils, and hopelessness filled her face more than anything else. “Are you okay?” I knew she wasn’t but I needed her to know that I was still there to comfort her. She stayed silent, I guess crying and screaming for an hour sucked out all her energy. I know it would to me. I sighed and looked at the ground for a while. She eventually walked over and hugged me, crying a little more. I wish more than anything that I could tell her it was going to be okay, but it wasn’t. The hopelessness, sadness, and dread she was filling was exactly what she was supposed to feel. After around 10 minutes, she let go of me and leaned on the wall. She quietly said, “Why couldn’t we just have money? Why does that have to be the only thing standing between her and death?” I guess her turn for crying was over, my eyes filled up with tears because I knew what was coming. Our daughter... was going to be okay. I knew she was. I leaned into my wife’s ear and said “Come on, we should go home and sort things out. I have a plan that should keep her alive.” She seemed hesitant at first, but a little amount of hope brightened on her. We walked to our one room apartment, and got into bed and slept. All those emotions were enough to put me out for a week. She didn’t ask what could save her first, she was just so exhausted from crying so hard for so long. When I woke up, I almost forgot what had just happened and what was *going to happen* as well. Everything seemed like it was going to be okay, even though I knew it wouldn’t be. Waking up gives you that illusion sometimes, the tiredness somehow is enough to distract you from whatever is going on in your life. However, the thoughts came back later. She woke up after an hour of me being awake. I sat on the floor while she came over and sat next to me. We sat there in silence for a long time, just like at thehospital. The silence was broken when she asked, “You said you had a plan to save our daughter earlier, could you tell me what it is?” My stomach twisted, I knew she wouldn’t like the plan but I knew it is the only thing we could do. “The estimated time for my chemo to be done should end in a month, and that costs just as much as the surgery. Do you think you could take care of a child by yourself?” I saw that all the hope she had from earlier has vanished. Tears filled her eyes along with dread. “No. No. No, no no. Please... Don’t do this.” She started crying again and leaned onto me, burying her face in my shoulder. She begged again, telling me that she didn’t want me to do this and that she could never go on with me gone. I knew that she could never go on without me, but it would be much worse for her if her very own child were to die. I insisted that I be the one to die, not our child. Fathers are supposed to make numerous immense sacrifices for their children, I guess this was my sacrifice for my child. We cried together all night, barely getting any rest. I don’t even know if I cared if I died as much as I did about my wife. I don’t know how well she would carry on without me, she loved me beyond comprehension and she reminded me that everytime I saw her. Today was the day of the surgery, it was no longer the day the surgery was supposed to take place. After we took a loan from the bank, we paid the hospital to perform the surgery. It was a success, they saved our daughter. She was going to be okay, she was now going to have her whole life ahead of her, without me, alone with a widowed mother. I called the same hospital later that day, telling them to cancel my chemotherapy. They were confused and curious as to why, but it pained me too much to say, so I told them to just cancel it and stop asking questions. I didn’t know how long I had to live, it usually takes a few weeks for cancer to kill someone. But I knew that those final weeks wouldn’t be alone, I had my wife and my newborn daughter to be with me for the rest of my life. And that’s all I needed to tell myself to be happy.