text: “Why are you such a pessimistic asshole?” My date asks once the words leave my mouth. I look at her with my “are you actually asking me that?” face. “You’re the one who accepted the blind date honey, you knew exactly what was going to happen because I know for a fact Johnny (My good friend) doesn’t skimp on the details when describing me to people.” “All he said to me was you were Jewish (I’m not, I just don’t tip or waste money) and funny but so far all you’ve been is just a melancholy prick over some girl who doesn’t bother talking to you anymore.” She leaves her mouth agape and stares at me in utter awe. Not the amorous awe but the awe of someone who can’t believe who they’re talking to. “Ok first off, I’m not Jewish but I have no problem with them, and second off this girl broke my heart and I’m just trying to tell you what to avoid.” The minute that last sentence left my mouth I knew I was in for it. This was it. She was going to destroy me with words just like that. Instead she grabbed her twenty dollar glass of wine and threw it into my face leaving my designer shirt in a purple mess along with staining my suit. “Fuck. You.” She says before stammering off out of the restaurant. I raise my finger for the waiter who drops the check. I grab my wallet from my inside pocket and grab the money and put the exact change on the table and walk out. “I see your date didn’t go well monsieur.” Says the receptionist. I look at him and shake my head. “No shit monsieur. Vous ne parlez pas francais. So don’t fucking try.” The receptionist motions for two goons to get me out but I place my hand in front of them. “I’ve got this ok?” I put my hands down and turn around towards the door but before I could get another step I feel four hand close down on me and pick me up, keep in mind I’m only a hundred twenty pounds and five foot six, and throw me out hitting my nose on the pavement and sending my glasses flying. After walking for what seemed like an eternity back to my studio apartment. I slowly make my way to the couch and fall face first. Another plunder I thought in my head. I lift myself up and walk to my bathroom, my intention to take my medications which two of the three I’m out of. Only one I have left is the ones for my allergies. Anxiety and depression will have to wait until the pharmacist is opened tomorrow morning. I sat back on my couch and grab my phone and called Johnny. “Ethan I didn’t expect a call this early. I’m with my wife right now at the supermarket. We’re picking up diapers for little Kevin” Oh poor Johnny I think; stuck with a woman who’s cheating on him. “What did you say about cheating?” Fuck... “Um....” I really messed up this time. This isn’t the first time this happened but I’ll make something up first before I tell you more stories from my life. “You see the girl you set me up with is a big cheater.” “She’s the most catholic girl I’ve met in my entire life...” I could already hear the confusion in his voice. I couldn’t think of anything else so I went to the next big thing. “She’s an anti-Semite.” I already knew it would backfire on me. “It went bad huh?” That was pretty much my whole life summed up in a sentence the books over folks you can pretty much stop reading here I die at the end. I’m just joking please keep reading. “Yeah very bad, she called me a melancholy asshole and threw wine on me. Twenty dollar wine too!” According to my mother my father’s family was full of Jewish heritage but I seriously doubted that since she hated his guts and was too an anti-Semite. “Look man; meet me at the bar tomorrow we’ll talk all about it ok?” “Alright Johnny I’ll talk to you then.” I put the phone face down on my table and lay back in my couch. I close my eyes and rub them. After a moment of silence the T.V. flutters to life with a press of a button. Then my feet drag me to the kitchen where I look upon the emptiness of my refrigerator. A lone Chinese carton full of rice, vegetables, and chicken that then suddenly is put into the microwave set for two minutes. I watch it slowly turn and turn inside for the remainder while listening to the latest celebrity scandals playing on the T.V. I grab the carton and plop down on the couch. It only seemed like a month ago when she was sitting right next to me. Her beautiful dyed hair with her big soulful eyes, her supple bosom that seemed to never be at home inside a shirt, her arms around me and mine around her playing with the piercings that she had put it in herself during high school in southern Texas. It had taken her nearly three years for her to finally see me in a romantic relationship and not just best friends anymore. It was the greatest two years of my life. She was the best I ever had but in a flash she was gone. Gone from my life when a man walked up to her and said those god damned words. “I’m sorry I cheated on you.” No not those... “I love you.” Those “I Love You.” Is fucking bullshit, especially when it comes from a man who cheated on you and repeatedly does it and you listen to it. When I said to her all those other times she didn’t fall head over heels for me. All she ever did was just look at me and smile and say “I love you too Ethan, you’re my best friend.” BUT TO HIM?! “I love you so damn much babe.” YEAH BULLSHIT I wake up from my fever dream and see the T.V. on the fritz and my carton of Chinese empty. Just like my will of continuing to date while the love of my life is with a cheating bastard who’s just a carbon copy of all the other boyfriends she’s had throughout her entire life. Some lowlife piece of shi- A knock from my door? Who would want to visit me? The mail slot slowly opens letting the light from the hallway cut through the darkness of my apartment and letter is handed to me. “Rent due by next week.” Oh of course. None of my friends but the damned landlord Takanewa or something like that. I open the letter and see twelve thousand dollars in finances listed. I grimace and put the letter on my coffee table and walk to my bed and try to forget things for a while. It didn’t work “I had a dream where I was being eaten by a woman who looked eerily similar to my ex. Then once she had eaten me I was in her stomach and inside I could only see a bunch of digested me’s.” Johnny raises his hand and takes a swig from his beer and just a tiny bit of foam stays in his mustache which he wipes off with his cloth jacket. “That’s some freaky shit, but look man... you’ve got to forget about Sarah ok?” I nod and my head and grab my glass of wine and take a swig. “I try but I’ve known her for ten years of my life and she still finds ways to appear at the oddest of times.” I rub my head and take another swig. “Look you just got to be honest with her ok? Her leading you on and staying in your life for god knows how long isn’t going to do either of you any good. Maybe for her because she obviously enjoys watching you suffer.” In a sense he was right and I knew deep down that he was. That’ why the moment he finished I pulled out of my phone and clicked her contact info and pressed down on the little green phone symbol. “Wait are you calling her right now?” I nod my head yes and Johnny cheers and orders another beer and glass of wine for me. I take the call in a small nook where two bathrooms meet. “Hello?” I hear her sweet Latina voice over the line and for a moment I smile as the all the good memories of me and her come flooding back. The times in high school we would be lying in our beds and just be laughing at some stupid video she sent to me, or be showing me the cute outfits she would want to wear. Then it all comes crashing back around me when all the bad memories which far outweigh the good come also flooding back. “Sarah it’s Ethan and we need to talk.” I tried to sound serious but it was quite hard to do. Especially since this was the day I never looked forwards to having to do. Leave her behind and not have her in my life anymore. “Look Ethan I’ve told you before what’s happening between us and I’m afraid we can’t be together.” Just like the icy knife in my heart that I remembered. Fucking Bitch “I know and that’s why I’m telling you I’m done with you.” If I had a dollar for every time I’ve said that to her I wouldn’t be living in a studio apartment. “I can’t keep doing this to myself and I don’t want you in my life anymore.” If I had a full bottle of anti-depressants for every time I said that to her I would have a life time supply and enough for my great grandchildren. “What do you mean? Are you finally done with me?” No shit bitch is the first words that pop into my brain. “Yes Sarah. This is my final goodbye to you.” If I had a dog for every time I’ve said that I would have a dog waiting for me at home. “Can we at least have one more dinner together? For old time’s sake?” “No Sarah... no more dinners, meetings in the park, no more anything.” “So this is really it between me and you?” “Yes...” “It was fun while it lasted.” “Not for me you sociopathic bitch.” I pressed end call and deleted her as a contact. I take a deep sigh of relief and immediately regret everything I just did. What am I supposed to do without her in my life? Jesus I have to get her back. Somehow I have to... In my eyes, masturbating to your ex girlfriend’s pictures isn’t a necessarily bad thing. Morally no it is but it’s justified in this instance. It’s been nearly two weeks since I left her behind in my life and at this point I just want another female in my life. Just to hold someone and feel like I belong. Though it’s going to take a little while since I’ve been ordering nothing but take-out and pizza and the only reason I’ve left is to get some more alcohol. I’m glad my work let me have this month long vacation. Suddenly a cool fan is blowing on my face and I’m asking myself now. When did I get to my therapist’s office? “So how have you been Ethan? Anything happen recently?” My doctor says looking at me with an inquisitive look. I think for a moment and I wonder for a moment. Pondering. Questioning. What the fuck is the point of living. “Well I finally got rid of Sarah from my life...” My therapist nods and jots something down. Probably something along the lines of ‘fucking retarded why would he give her up? His best friend.’ “How are you feeling because of this huge change in your life? You’ve known her for ten or so years and now.” I didn’t know what to feel. I admit I did somewhat lie. Her boyfriend is new and I don’t know him at all. Maybe I was wrong? Honestly I don’t have any feelings for her anymore, at least not right now since I haven’t been talking to her... “I don’t feel sad about it, but I don’t feel good either. Just stuck in some gray zone I haven’t been able to leave. My vacation is nearly over so at least I can have work to keep my mind off of it for the most part but still. I miss her but I know she’ll just bring pain or maybe something else for a change... I really don’t know.” At this moment I can see him continue writing notes. “I think you should keep your distance for good. Especially sense you haven’t talked to her in what? Two, three weeks?” This is another lie I told him, in reality I did take her offer for one last meeting. It was four days ago and I haven’t been able to get it off my mind. Four Days Ago I walk to the restaurant that me and her agreed to meet at and as I walk I start to second guess my decision I’m making. I close my eyes and take off my glasses and just let my feet walk towards the direction I feel they should go. I picture myself walking to my apartment using the main road but when I reopen my eyes I see myself standing in front of the restaurant. I sigh but a smile goes across my face as I see her car park across the street between a pink Chevrolet and a black... I couldn’t tell what the other one was but she quickly crossed the street with a smile on her face. The both of us were half tempted to embrace and possibly even kiss but before either could take place we just have a light hug and let go after a few more seconds. “I’m glad you came here Ethan. I was a little worried you would just leave me for good without proper closure.” I see a smile forming on the corner of her lips and I smile back. “I’m glad you didn’t completely ignore my message.” Her smile is completed on her face and it’s a masterpiece before me. She brushes her hair behind her ear as the waiter comes to take our order. It’s almost like all the other times we went on a date together. She ordered some pasta dish and so did I. I can’t exactly remember our conversation we were having though but it was sweet. Once the night ended we embraced and she kissed me. I told her to call me later which she agreed to. Present “My friend Johnny also got into a bit of trouble and he isn’t talking to me anymore.” “What happened between the two of you? From what you’ve told me the two of you were very close.” “So are me and his wife.” Yeah... I fucked her. It was during a time where Sarah left me and me and his wife were decent acquaintances. “It was during a rough patch with Sarah and he was on a business trip. She comforted me and it grew deeper than just friends. He was gone for eight days and we made love six of those days.” “And you’ve kept this a secret from him?” “Yes and so has she. Up until two days ago when Johnny’s life came to a brief stop.” “What do you mean exactly?” “Guess I’ll start from start.” Three Days ago I decided to keep the dinner rendezvous with Sarah a secret from Johnny as me and him met at the bar later that day. As we walked inside the bad and sat in our usual space in the corner of the bar in a small booth I could tell there was something wrong with him but I didn’t want to ask him just yet. “Two beers.” Johnny finally says after ten minutes of silence. He raises his hand when the bartender looks around who nods and brings two mugs of beer. Frankly I’m mostly a wine person but I felt like a beer would be alright for now. “So what’s happening Johnny?” I ask. He looks at me and sighs. I can tell its bad news and I’m afraid to hear it. Could it be about his wife and her trail of pool boys? Or possibly he wal- “I had sex with a hooker last night.” Oh no is the first words that come to mind. “It was the best sex I’ve ever had.” He said still with an almost traumatized look on his face. “But she was sixteen.” I pause for a moment and so does he in order to let this to properly process. “This has to be some kind of joke...” I say slowly. He shakes his head. “Afterwards she showed me her license because I didn’t believe her either.” A tear started running down his face and ran into his mustache. “I have to pay her and her dip shit boyfriend or something like that two thousand dollars or else they’ll find and tell my wife and the police and oh Christ Ethan.” He says nearly breaking down and swigging from his mug. “I can’t just get that kind of money without anyone knowing.” “Sell your car.” I say almost immediately. He pauses and thinks about it. The inner workings of our minds start to work. “Do you know if they have any proof you did it?” “Boyfriend recorded it... who can I sell it to this short notice?” “Me.” I say getting my checkbook from my inside pocket. “Look man don’t worry I promise I’ll pay you back.” I nod and hand him the life saving check. He grabs the beer and gulps the remainder down and walks out of the bar with his marriage still somewhat intact. I wanted to tell him of his wife’s affair but I honestly didn’t have the heart just then. Good news is I have a car at the very least. Present “So he cheated on his wife with an underage prostitute who had her boyfriend record the whole ordeal.” “Yeah that’s what happened. He ended up paying her but she still told his wife.” “I assume her reaction was less than perfect.” He says with a smile. I couldn’t help but crack up at his face. “You son of a bitch Jules. This is supposed to be a therapy session not you fucking around.” He laughs too and we just take a moment to stop. “Maybe I should find a therapist who isn’t my friend?” “No no tell me what happened.” I sigh and continue with the story. Yesterday The day before all I did was be on the phone with Sarah. From nine a.m. to eleven p.m. Jumping topic to topic, watching movies, talking about some books, and talking about the relationship she’s in now. It was all very sweet and we agreed to talk again another time. Then I get a call from Johnny’s wife, Ashley at twelve. “Ethan I need you to come here as fast as possible. It’s about Johnny...” I can hear tears through the phone and her stuttering. “I’ll be in there in just a few minutes I have a car now, okay?” I wait a moment for her response but all I hear are tears. “Ashley?” “I’ll be here.” I get up from my couch and grab my coat as I walk out and down to the street below. After hopping into my new car I drive along the busy streets. All the while I’m wondering what could have happened. I’m honestly scared out of my mind at this point. It didn’t help when I finally drove up the driveway I entered the house and was immediately embraced by Ashley. “What happened?” “Johnny fucked a minor...” Fuck. I didn’t know what to say to this until I turned around and saw Johnny standing there with a tire iron. “Johnny?” “You’re not taking my son.” He says. Ashley nods and pushes me behind her. I panic and grab a small ashtray and hold it behind my back as Johnny goes into the kid’s room. I step in front of Ashley and pray to whatever god would listen to me at the moment. Johnny then walks out with his one month old baby in arm. As he turns around to leave the house I jump to action and smash the ceramic ashtray over his head. Present “Ok well I think I know why he isn’t talking to you anymore.” Jules says writing something down. “Yeah... Ashley is making me stay with her and Kevin just in case he ever returns.” I say this while thinking to myself “Kevin is her son correct?” “Yeah he’s her son... he’s also mine too. At least me and Ashley aren’t too sure. We’re supposed to go to the doctor sometime this week.” “That must be rough on you, your possible baby being taken away by a deranged man.” “I think that’s why I acted up. I think he was last seen in somewhere in San Francisco but I’m not too sure.” “At least he’s two states away.” “Yeah thankful for that but still, you’ve got to wonder what he’s doing.” Here at the Golden Gate Bridge I’m reflecting on my life now. Police have a warrant out for me for attempted kidnapping, soliciting sex with a minor, having sex with a minor, and for manslaughter of a man I hit on my drive down here. All I’ve got left now is this bridge... always wanted to take my son Kevin down here just like my father brought me. Now I’m here alone. What have I done to deserve this? It was my wife who drove me to this. She never wanted to have sex and never wanted to satisfy me after those two business trips. I’m glad I did that actually. Glad I fucked that little teen bitch. Showed her a damn good time. Fuck it. I step onto the ledge on the bridge and let Kevin’s face be the last thing I remember as I tilted off the edge. It was a week after they recovered Johnny’s body from the San Francisco bay. With his body already covered in filth and somewhat already decomposing we decided to cremate him. I’ve moved into Ashley’s home when the tests to see if I was the father came in. It turns out I am and Ashley didn’t want her son to be without a father but she didn’t want me like that at least not at that point with Johnny dying. I let her have all the time she needed to heal from her loss and when she needed me I was there to comfort her. It was a rough year after his suicide. My dating life evaporated and Sarah finally left on her own terms. Last I heard she had overdosed on cocaine and lost one of her legs to diabetes. It felt good to hear that though I knew it was wrong of me to not feel bad for her but after all she had put me through? It was well deserved. It wasn’t until the year after Johnny died where Ashley slowly started to want me and it was on February Fifteenth Two-Thousand and Seventeen we were married. I was glad I finally found another person. After years of being tormented by constant stream of girls who didn’t want anything serious I finally had someone. As I look at Kevin run around the yard with his friends I can’t help but look at my life before I meet Ashley, before I had him. The few weeks before he was a part of my life, dating person after person, being miserable and struggling to scrape together enough cash for rent, and now I have a family of my own. Though it wasn’t always mine, I’m living in another man’s dream that I’m very much enjoying. “What are you thinking about?” Ashley asks wrapping her arms around my shoulder as we watch Kevin play in the snow with his friends. “How far we’ve come, and how much that little kid changed my life.” “Our lives.” She says I smile when I hear those words. “Our Lives.