text: MERMAIDS DON’T EXIST When I was fourteen my father died speaking of mermaids. I remember that clean but unpleasant hospital smell and the last hacking cough he gave before telling me the very thing that stuck with me all the way until that night under the moon at Five Mile Lake, and further beyond. “Mermaids are magic,” he said to me. “I’ve seen them, and you know what--I’ve regretted never catchin’ that magic ever since. You ever see the other side of the world, son, you hold onto it. It’s worth it.” I had no idea what he was talking about. The doctors told us that the cancer he had was so rapid and aggressive at the time that he was just babbling nonsense. Mom would sit and tut, and then say she had to go to work. Mom never really seemed interested at the end of dad’s life because to her it was just another thing--another obstacle to overcome before she got her pay\-stub. Nothing he’d said to her really bothered her, and whenever he spoke in riddles, she’d just tut and shake her head, and act like us two weren’t really there. I grew up thinking that the two of them weren’t so much a married couple as much as a necessity for me. I didn’t feel any love between them, and my father seemed to be more focused on throwing himself into fantastical tales of a life that I was sure he hadn’t lived. My mother seemed to just be a straight\-cut, boring person who had no time for Dad’s bullshit. I never really believed the stories Dad told me. I stopped expecting Santa to come every Christmas when I was six and caught him munching on the mince pie that we left outside my door for Saint Nick. He always liked myths and mystery. He’d tell me stories of when he used to travel in his younger days--stories of meeting giants in Scotland that lived in caves, or when he met Bigfoot in Oregon. “He’s a kind soul. Loves privacy, but hates cats.” I’d listen intently, always wondering if those tales were true but as I got older, the mystery gave way to understanding of why parents give kids those false hopes and I simply stopped believing in what I’d never seen. When He finally died it was a rainy Tuesday, and he’d passed in his sleep before we got there. Mom shed a few tears and then told me she was late for work. She kissed her husband goodbye as if he was a distant friend, let out a final sob, and left. I felt the cold, stiff hands of my father, wondering if life had ever gone through the veins--had blood really flowed in this wax sculpture that resembled my big, old dad? Yet the words that hung in my head were about the mermaids, and I never really knew why. I realized I’d never again hear his wacky tales, or spend an afternoon with him at the lake. Soft tears stained my cheeks. And then I left my father in that room, and caught the bus back to the empty house. After the funeral I didn’t do much. The holidays from school had begun a week before I’d decided I’d spend them where me and Dad spent most of our time; Five Mile Lake--it wasn’t the most original name but it stuck with us because it made sense. It was a huge hole that was shaped like the number eight The first part was a mile long and the small gap gave way to four miles wide of water that flowed into the river out of the county. Jagged rocks filled the edges of the place on the Southern side, and it was a very secluded spot all of the time. I remember spending weekends with Dad, fishing away until the late hours, cooking them on a small BBQ he’d always bring. As we sat, camped on the soft grassy embankment on the Northern side, I’d sit and listen to his stories; tales of how he befriended a clan of giants in Scotland was one of my favourites. Now it was just me, alone, with a fishing rod on a grey\-skied Friday. This had been the sixth day in a row I’d come down here, and I had no complaints. My friend would only yammer on about things I couldn’t muster the energy to listen to. Max would talk about video\-games, while Cassie would talk about her latest boyfriend, and Aaron would just ask if anybody wanted to smoke. I didn’t catch anything--I hadn’t in the whole six days. It didn’t matter. Being here just made the pain of losing Dad a little less hurtful and that’s all I was looking for. I casted my rod out again with a maggot on it for bait. I watched the orange tipped float as it bobbed against the water and there it stayed until-- It went under the water but never came back up. I tightened my hands around the rod and yanked it back. My other hand went to the tackle and I began spinning the handle--it clicked rapidly as I yanked it back harder with gritted teeth. Something was pulling against the line. “Come on,” I said, suddenly getting into it. Whatever it was, *it was big.* I pulled harder but it was like I was trying to pull a rock out from under the water somewhere. Then my rod suddenly flew from my hands as if the fish had decided to grow arms and snatch it. I let out a gasp as I watched my father’s rod go flying into the water and away like the speed of light. “Holy crap!” I yelled as I watched it go. *What had I almost caught?* *Maybe a mermaid,* I heard my father’s voice say. Oh yeah, I thought. Of course, Dad. It must have been one because you would have said so. I sat back on the rocky embankment and sighed. It must have been huge to pull my rod out my hands. After astonishment, sadness followed as I realized I’d lost my father’s last fishing rod. It wasn’t a good thing to feel after losing him. I stayed on the rocks for a while longer and tried to swallow the lump in my throat. *I’m sorry, Dad. I didn’t mean to lose it.* But knowing him, he’d simply tell me to not worry about it. That made me feel even worse somehow. 2 My friends had decided to surprise me a week later by showing up to the lake an hour after I did. Aaaron with his pack of cigarettes he’d stolen from his mother, Cassie with her phone glued to her hand, and Max who was playing away on whatever new type of handheld gaming gadget had come out. “Hey, Ropey,” said Aaron as he came and sat down on the embankment with me, running a hand through his fair, whitish hair. By then I’d managed to find my older rod--sturdy as ever and I kept my attention on it firmly, for fear the secret monster would pull it away from me again. “What do you guys want?” I grunted. “Wanted to come see you is all,” said Cassie, still typing away on her phone. The last I’d heard she was now with up with Jake Baxter after dumping Phillip Walker because their two week relationship was “nearing its end.” Aaron was already underway in lighting up a cigarette, and not even inhaling it. Max was sat on a rock higher up, nose\-deep in his game. “Alright,” I mustered, already wanting to be left alone. “It’s so hot today,” said Max as he kept his eyes on the game. “We should go swimming.” “Cassie’d have to drop her phone for three minutes and she can’t have that, can she?” said Aaron with a sarcastic tone. “Oh piss off,” she hissed back. She turned her attention back to me as she pocketed her phone. “We heard about your dad. It’s not a good time we know.” *Just leave me alone.* I didn’t want to be around people right now. Looking back at that time it was the worst mourning period, and everything people said felt fake to me. I’d heard it all through school and seen it. The weird looks and teachers offering their sympathies. It all felt like complete bollocks. I didn’t like being near my own mother at that point so what made them think they were special? I decided I’d humour them; the sooner I complied, the sooner they’d leave. I took my top off and told them we should just go for a swim. They all followed behind me as I removed my shoes and socks. Only my joggers were left. The sun was baking but as I stepped into the lake, it might as well have been the arctic. I dunked my head under and bobbed back up, waiting to get used to it. “That’s better,” yelled Aaron behind me. I swam as fast as I could away from them. Their voices grew distant behind me as I moved, my hands thrashing over me as I tried to swim harder and faster until my lungs were smoking with fire. Behind me, the three of them were playing around in the shallow end. I turned back to swim further in. My Dad told me that the middle of the first hole was the deepest part and the further away from them I was, the better. I kept swimming until finally I couldn’t feel the wet earth beneath my feet and then kept moving anyway. I took a break when I’d made it to the middle of the lake. *That’s better* I thought as I laid back to float. My arms and legs felt hot from the constant movement, and I felt like I was suffocating. My friends didn’t make any attempt to come out, but I could hear Cassie and Aaron arguing in the distance. I floated alone, looking up at the clear blue sky. It was nice being out here listening to the water sloshing around me; the birds in the trees that surrounded the lake were almost yelling in a choir. And then I felt it. Something slid under my legs. I thrashed onto my front then. Whatever it was, it wasn’t an ordinary fish. I remembered the thing I’d almost caught and the first word that came into my mind was *shark.* I felt the fins of it bash me. My heart raced faster than it had when I’d swam out here. I moved as fast as I could, swimming as hard as I could push myself. I knew there were no sharks in the lake, but I didn’t want whatever that was to touch me again. It was a scary thought, never knowing what lurked under murky water. I swallowed mouthfuls of air and liquid as I panicked until finally soft mud welcomed my feet. Every stride I took was huge as I tried to put distance between me and whatever it was out then. When the water was to my knees I bent over and felt as if I was going to throw up. With a turn of my head, still gasping for air, I looked to where I’d been and for the briefest moment before it bobbed back under the water, I could have sworn I’d seen a girl with dark red hair, staring at me. 3 I knew what I’d seen, but the three of them didn’t believe me of course. After air had returned in my lungs, I told them what happened but they told me to stop taking the piss. They decided not to stick around after that, suddenly feeling weird around me. I happily watched them leave, knowing they’d probably tell people I was being weird but I never was worried about that kind of stuff. I sat back on the rocks and looked out, scanning for any sudden appearances of the girl but nothing else came that day. I knew I wasn’t going insane, that there was *something* out there. I wasn’t going to just give up; I had a plan. I went home and packed a tent, and grabbed my father’s old electric cooker. I packed up enough food for the night, a pair of binoculars, and some other surveillance gear. I told mom I was going to go camping at the lake with Aaron. She told me to keep my phone on at all times and she’d call me when she got back from work. I told her I would. I knew she’d never let me stay there alone, so I threw in the lie for comfort. She wouldn’t care enough to call Aaron’s mom anyway. When I returned, I decided to camp on the grassy embankment on the North side. I was going to find out if there really was a girl in the lake. I set up the small, blue tent, set up my sleeping space, and made sure to keep some lanterns out for when it got dark. Luckily Dad had four solar\-panelled ones that were fully charged, and they’d last throughout the night. It was just a waiting game, I figured. There was no changes for the remainder of the day. I kept my binoculars on the lake that showed no changes. Every so often I’d see a little bob of a fish and my heart would race. I’d feel doubt every so often and remember the looks Aaron, Cassie, and Max had given me. A voice inside would say “give up,” but then I’d remember the cold, scaly feeling on my legs and I’d press on. When it started to get dark I decided to just sleep and try again tomorrow. Even the girl needed to sleep, right? I kept a lantern on and sat outside for a bit longer but there still wasn’t any movement and I was feeling sleepy. What if it really was just me over\-thinking? Come tomorrow, I decided I’d simply pack up and stop trying to chase whatever it was I *thought* I saw. I was acting stupid. There was nobody in the lake, and whatever I’d felt was just a big fish--the same big fish who’d taken my Dad’s rod.* Whatever. It could keep it*. I was going home in the morning and forgetting about the girl in the lake. The more I thought about it, the more stupid I felt. I stared up at the ceiling of the tent and didn’t feel tired as I lay there. I felt something, I know I did. This whole thing felt like it was a waste of time. I got up and went out to sit in the dark with only the lantern lighting up next to me. My friends were right, I was being an idiot. I slumped into the chair and looked out at the lake; the moon rippled in the water as if somebody had thrown a rock in. They moved slowly. The moon greeted me and I let out a sigh. *Was this me just missing Dad? Holding onto something he said?* “Hello,” said somebody. I looked at the lake. Nothing but the sound of crickets filled the air. *Did I just hear that in my head?* “Hello,” they repeated. *It sounded like a girl.* I grabbed the lantern and got up, slowly approaching the edge of the embankment. Below it there was a three foot drop into the water, and at the bottom of it was a girl half\-submerged in the water; *a girl with red hair.* I knelt down and raised the lantern. She wasn’t wearing anything up top, but I couldn’t tell because she was laid on her front in the mud. I lowered the lantern more and saw why she’d been submerged halfway. Her other half was not a pair of legs--but a purple and reddish coloured fin which swayed in the water hypnotically. *Holy crap.*I recoiled and ran towards my tent; all air escaping me in a scream. I kept it up as I fumbled for the zip. I managed to slide it all the way around and then dived under my sleeping bag, breathing heavily and telling myself I had, in fact, gone insane. “Excuse me,” I heard the thing yell. “Go away!” I yelled back. “But--“ “I said go away!” I took a deep breath. “You ain’t real!” I wasn’t talking to a mermaid, that’s impossible. But her voice seemed real enough. I took a second to catch my breath. No, I was imagining things. I was tired, and I’d just lost my Dad. Weirder things happened when you lost people. I’d seen it in movies. This one time, a guy lost his wife and decided to go and kill a bunch of people for revenge. It’d have been a different movie if he imagined mermaids, I thought. “You still there?” I called out. “Yeah. Duh,” she replied. I zipped open the tent a little and peered out. She was sat on the embankment now. I could see her fully as I’d dropped the lantern close by. Her chest seemed to be covered by a thin veil of skin which covered her top part, and her hair seemed dry, and almost glowing with a faint purplish and reddish glaze. “You stay there!” I said. “Okay,” she replied. I zipped open the tent all the way but stayed inside it, my head hidden by the top flap. I could hear her outside but she refused to move, and we stayed in silence. This was a dream, it had to be. I was trying to wrap my mind around the idea of what I was seeing, and remembering my Dad. If he’d been telling the truth about mermaids, what else was out there? Were ghosts and goblins hiding away? Were there giants in Scotland? I knelt down and looked at her. She seemed to be at ease, leaning back on her palms and looking up at the sky. “I’m gonna come out, slowly. Don’t move or nothing,” I said as I edged a foot out of the tent. She didn’t acknowledge me. I moved closer, stretching a hand out as I took another step closer. There wasn’t much between us. I made it so there was about six feet of space so she couldn’t grab me. When she looked at me my legs turned to jelly and I fell down, flabbergasted. Air escaped my lungs and I let out a quiet “wow,” as I looked at her. “You’re real. I’m not...imagining this am I, I must be?” “I don’t think so,” she replied. Her accent sounded Irish, but I wasn’t entirely sure. She turned to look at me and in the light I got a close up look of her. She had a soft, round nose and pale skin. Her eyes were a bright, very bright shade of purple, and she was short, shorter than I was. The thin veil of skin over her seemed like fabric. Her hair seemed to be dry, as if it’d never been touched by water at all. Her eyes shimmered brighter against the light of the lantern. She smiled at me and I looked at her closely. “Are you a...you know what the name is?” “*We* don’t call ourselves that, that’s a made up name. But you can’t pronounce how I’d say it anyway,” she said with a shrug. *Okay, so she talks. She shrugs. She’s got an attidue.* “Woah,” I replied, looking her over. “Do you have a name?” “I do but I don’t think you can pronounce that either. I think in this speech it sounds very close to Eily but I could be wrong.” “Are you going to eat me?” Her eyes widened and she let out a laugh that floated in the air like a melody. “No I don’t eat people. Where’d you hear that?” “Old stories about sailors and stuff. I read in a book once that mermaids lure sailors away and eat them.” “Whoever wrote that never met one then. I don’t eat people. I don’t plan on eating you. I can’t say the same for you though,” she said as she span and planted her fin on the embankment. “What were you going to do when you caught me? Cook me?” I looked down and noticed the familiar, silver hook that had once been attached to my father’s rod. *It was her,* I thought. I’d snagged her with it and she’d swam away. I looked to her and had never felt so bad in my life. I wasn’t one for torturing animals; I even felt a kind of sorrow whenever I stepped on slugs and snails when they made their journeys through streets after heavy rain. That felt similar to how I felt then. “That was you! I’m sorry--I didn’t know. I thought I’d caught a shark or something.” “In England? In a lake? Boy you are stupid,” she said as she touched the hook, and let out a wince. I looked down at it and then slowly edged forward. “Do you want me to help you get it out?” “Would ya, please? It’s killing me. Every time I touch the bastard thing it sends pains up my fin.” “Wait there,” I said as I got up and went back into the tent. I looked around for the fishing box I always bought and opened it to look for something useful. I lifted the second part of it and pulled out a pair of wire cutters and pliers. Eily hadn’t moved since I’d ran in, and even then I still thought I was imagining all of this. She was still prodding the hook. It felt like something out of a movie. Half excitement, half worry went through me as I expected to wake up any second to the sound of the empty lake, but it never came. I sat down and told her to sit still. She raised her fin and put it over my legs as I bought the lantern up to examine the hook. It was like a huge fish was on top of me. I remembered being in the lake and feeling the same feeling under me. I slowly put the wire\-cutters around the hook. “Was that you I felt in the water earlier?” I asked as I examined the hook. “Yes. You were laying there and you hurt me. I wanted to scare you.” “You did. I almost crapped myself.” “I’m glad you didn’t. I like the lake clean,” she said with a laugh. “Me too,” I said as I snipped the hook off. She let out a high\-pitched gasp as I slid out the straight bit of metal, leaving only a small, red hole in the thin membrane of the fin. She lifted it up and examined it. I held the lantern up to help her see and she let out a sigh of relief. She laid down on her back. “That feels a thousand times better, thank Christ.”*Mermaids were religious?* “Happy to help,” I replied, still staring at her. I didn’t want her to disappear. She looked back to the lake and I decided I wanted her to stick around. It wasn’t every day people saw magical stuff like this. If she was going to go, then I wanted to make sure we could see each other again. “So do you live here?” “I’m sixteen--I don’t live here I live with a group of us.” “Oh, a family?” “Yeah. We travel in groups a lot, but my family live on the coast not far from here. I come here most days. I like it up here, it’s really quiet.” “Are you Irish?” “I have a lot of family on the coast and in Ireland,” she said quietly, still staring out at the lake. “I like the quiet too.” She turned back to me. “What about you? Family?” “Just my Mom. Dad died a few weeks ago. That’s about it really,” I said with a shrug. “That’s not good. Was that the man I saw you with here?” “You were watching me then?” “Well yeah--I’ve been here for years. I’d move here if I could.” “Why don’t you?” “I don’t get to live freely until I’m eighteen. It’s sort of a tradition. Too much to explain really. But it gets lonely out with my family, and boring.” “That makes two of us. My mother isn’t around much.” She smiled then and I moved back a little. “What?” “You’re the first person I’ve spoken to from the land is all. It...feels nice. Having a real conversation.” “I like it too,” I replied. We spoke for hours that felt like minutes. I learnt a lot about her in that first night. She would tell me about her family, all of them were what she called Echbiphilads--but said Mermaids was the easier way to say it if it suited me. I told her about my father, and my life before he died. We spoke until she felt she had to dip back into the water, and even then we spoke until the sun started to rise. I found out that mermaids don’t eat people, but choose to eat fish and other things which made me feel better. Before I could ask her anything else, she told me she had to go, and that her father was calling her. I told her I couldn’t hear anything and she laughed again. As she began to swim away I called out to her. “Can I see you again?” “Tomorrow,” she said, her head bobbing under the water. I went to say goodbye but she was already gone, and the only thing to prove she was real was the two pieces of the silver hook which lay at my feet.