text: ## The sound of keys jostling and a door opening bring me out of my daze. ## “There's a Maria here!” I hear him shout in surprise. As if I am a rare species of human he found in his kitchen. ## “Sometimes I come home and there's a Maria here, and it makes me so happy!” His tone full of childish glee. ## A surge of pure joy overwhelms me. I wonder if my face shows how happy I feel. I kinda hope not, I’d look like an idiot. “Welcome home.” ## Suddenly everything feels right. Whatever issue I was just dwelling on no longer seems relevant. Kevin is home and that matters more. ## My first instinct is to ask how his day was, but stop myself, Kevin hates that question. It’s too mundane! He would gripe I hate talking about work. But there’s no need to ask anything, he is already telling me all about something exciting. I can tell by the way his hands start to gestate wildly. He paces around the living room putting his things away, settling in. His mouth races a million words a minute. He is so animated, like watching a cartoon come to life. It’s fun to experience. ## “.....and they're making a sequel!” He concludes slightly winded and looks over at me for a response. ## Shit. What was he talking about? ## “Oh cool.” I say anyway. Making my eyes wide so he thinks I know why it’s cool. “How do you think that’ll go?” ## He continues to talk and I make sure to pay attention this time. I am not terribly interested in movies but they make him light up and I do thoroughly enjoy that. ## Nothing about our interactions would point to a couple that has broken up. We spend the rest of the afternoon basking in each other, talking and giggling like childhood friends. Maybe it’s because we know we only have a few more months together that we are able to enjoy each other so profoundly. Our lease will end and that is when our break up will stop being something we talk about and turn into something we live. But for now, we pretend otherwise. ## The breakup was all his doing. I was perfectly content with our life. We were settling into the next phase. A phase I had been dreaming about since I met him, since I recognized that I had found who I wanted to spend my life with. Kevin was instead restless and doubtful. ## Kevin: Are you happy? The text came in at work. ## His question didn’t strike me as odd, on occasion Kevin asked me this and other vague philosophical queries out of nowhere. I didn’t jump to anything being out of place. ## Me: Yes I am. I answered truthfully. Are you? ## I knew he wasn’t. He had been distant these past few weeks. I could tell settling into the apartment wasn’t giving him the fulfillment he expected to receive from achieving this long term goal. His next question slapped me in the face. ## Kevin: Do you think we would be better as friends? ## NO. No. No. My brain immediately yelled. Of course not. No. ## A second message came in before I could answer. ## Kevin: We already interact like friends, we’re not very romantic with each other. What would be the difference? ## A LOT! I took a deep breathe. I hoped to god this was another thought experiment of his. ## Me: No. We wouldn’t be better as friends. What I get out of our relationship could not be done with the intensity and frequency of a friendship. And we could be more romantic, nothing is stopping us except what we’ve let ourselves get used to. ## I typed fervently. Trying not to work myself into a panic mid shift. ## Me: Can we talk about this in person please? This feels important. ## Kevin: No it’s okay, you get home late we can talk about this another day. ## Me: No. You’re talking about a breakup Kevin. I can’t put this off. Wait up for me. ## Kevin: Yea okay. ## I got home at midnight but he wasn’t there. ## Me: Where are you? ## Kevin: Doing laundry. I’ll be right down. ## It took him a half hour. He was trying to delay a scary conversation, but I wouldn’t have it. When he got in I had a bottle of wine and two glasses poured, I knew we would need some liquid courage to talk about this. We started by talking about anything else for the first hour. He didn’t want to bring it up and neither did I. I realized, after enough delay, that if I didn’t start it, it would go on ignored. So I bit the bullet. ## “So you think we’d be better as friends?” I blurted. Trying to hide the pain in my tone. ## “I was just asking what the difference would be. I’ve been noticing more and more how distant we are.” ## I thought that’s how you liked things! My inner voice cried ## “But we’ve always been this way.” I said ## “I know. But I don’t think this is the relationship I want.” ## But it’s the one you created! I weep. ## “We can work on it. If you want more romance I want that too. I just thought that you didn’t want that so I don’t push it. But we can do something about it.” ## “I don’t think we can.” ## “Why not?” ## “We’ve said it before that we would try to be more affectionate and nothing ever changes. We’re just going to keep saying it and nothing is going to change.” ## “I never knew you wanted to break up because of it! That brings it to a whole new level of seriousness.” I am sobbing at this point. Feeling a desperateness I’ve never experienced before. ## “It should just come naturally. It’s not right that we have to work for something that should just be part of a relationship.” He says adamantly, ## “But if we both want it, what is wrong with having to work on it until it becomes normal? I don’t understand.” ## We continued to argue but go in circles. By the end he became more adamant that there was no solution to our problem except ending it. ## “I am not breaking up with you. I just want us to think about it.” I knew him enough to know that was a lie. Kevin hated making decisions. He had a tendency to give me non committal answers so I would have to make the decision. That way when it didn’t work out, he wasn’t at fault. ## We went to bed that night after a 3 hour conversation. I laid there in utter panic, foolishly trying to go to sleep. After an hour of turmoil I got up went into the living room, put on my favorite movie and sobbed until Kevin woke up for his next day of work. ## He looked at me from across the room saying nothing, eyes full of grief. He approached me right before leaving. I looked up at him and sniffled. He put his hand softly on my head. “ I am leaving. Can I kiss you?” ## I nod “Please.” ## As he walks out of the apartment, leaving me alone with my sadness I start to remember the day I fell in love with Kevin. ## I stare at my phone in absolute awe. It’s quite hot. Did we really just talk for 7 hours? I was so scared to even have a phone conversation to begin with. Texting is my comfort zone. I was so sure there were going to be awkward pauses and we weren’t going to have much to say. But neither of us stopped talking or laughing the whole night. I open my phone to text him, he has work in a few hours. I have a five am shift in 20 min. ## Me: Sorry I wish we could keep talking ## Kevin: So do I. Have a good day at work. ## I can’t stop smiling. I am trying to, I don’t want my boss to think I am drunk or something. My body feels like it’s on fire,. For someone who hasn’t slept all night I am incredibly energetic. High. I realize. I giggle all the way to work reliving our conversation. Once I am parked outside, it strikes me like a sudden jolt. Fuck. I am in love with him. I smile harder. My jaw hurts. Every cell in my body recognizes this new truth. I am in love. I didn’t expect love to feel so certain. I’ve never been in love before, but I am usually very bad at knowing how I feel. Where was the part where I hem and doubt and question myself about what should be and what can’t be and yadda yadda yadda? But no. There’s not an ounce of doubt in my body, this morning I am in love. I keep saying it in my head and it creates more fire. I am in love. ## Kevin and I had quite the unconventional start to our romance, in fact we credit the rocky infrastructure as the result of its demise. All I know for certain is that when we met, we clung to each other like we were dying of thirst and our connection was a tall glass of water. We became best friends immediately, constantly baffled at how alike we were and how many common interests we shared. I admired how ridiculously entertaining he was, and he loved my intelligent and accepting personality. It only took two dates and a few phone calls to know we had found something unique, and were not letting it go. ## The problem was that although Kevin and I had found something intense and special, I was not ready to do the girlfriend thing. I had just left what I described as a ‘suffocating relationship’ and Kevin had left a relationship where he had been cheated on. Both of which happened for us around the same time. It felt like fate had made those things end at exactly the time that would lead us to each other. After that relationship I was ecstatic to be on the dating scene and having a lot of fun exploring what being a single adult was like. I assumed Kevin wouldn’t be ready for something serious either, so soon. I came up with a compromise. ## “What do we do?” He asked me. ## My answer came off with more confidence than I had. “Have you ever heard of polyamory?” ## “I am not sure.” ## “We date. But we keep seeing other people too.” I simplified. ## “You want to keep dating me while you date other people?” ## “You can keep dating too!” I clarified. Wanting him to take this well. ## “Oh..” He said and looked out the window. ## “What do you think?” ## “Just let me get this straight. You want to make me your bottom bitch?” ## I crossed my arms “Um.. I don’t know what that is but it doesn't sound good.” ## He laughed “You’ve never heard that before? You’re from Atlanta!” ## “Is that supposed to imply something? Just tell me what it means.” ## He explained it to me and I scoffed. ## “I can’t believe you just said that.” ## “I am just trying to understand.” ## “Look! I like you. We both just got out of disastrous relationships. This seems like the middle ground we are looking for.” ## “I didn’t know we were looking for middle ground.” ## “Ever since I heard about it I wanted to try it.” I said and shrugged. ## He thought for a while and I shook my leg in anticipation. ## “I guess we could try it.” ## I smiled. “Really?” ## He nodded. Wow he really is the coolest guy ever. ## “But you’re going to have to help me through it.” ## “Oh of course. I’ve done a lot of research on it.” ## “Yea? How?” ## “I listen to tons of relationship podcasts.” ## He gave me a skeptical look “Okay Maria. I’m trusting you.” ## It went well at first. ## Kevin: I have a date with a young lady today. ## The message came a week later solidifying what we were to become. Okay, this is it. This is the part where I feel angry and upset and take back my decision. Instead I found myself smiling. Utter relief filled my system. Good. I can handle this. But, who is this girl? Does Kevin have a type? I am fascinated. I am excited. ## Me: Great! I wanna know all about it ## We remained in a deep state of limerence. Kevin lived in Fort Collins an hour drive from Denver. To see him I borrow my mother's car. I filled with anticipation the entire way. I try not to speed but it’s impossible knowing going faster means seeing him sooner. I play Taylor Swift's Red. No other album captures my feelings better than this one. I sing along, pull the windows down and speed up, checking to make sure no police are around as I leave the city. Will I ever be as happy as I am now, twenty years old experiencing her first love? I don’t know, but I take it in just in case. ## When I get there Kevin’s broad grin greets me. I jump out of the car and into his arms. This is the moment I think about the entire ride here. The moment that I get to feel him, smell him and kiss him. We kiss until we have to stop ourselves because we’re in a parking lot in the middle of the day. I’ve only known him for a few months, but that doesn’t seem to matter in the least. ## I go home very late, and the next week he comes to me. We take turns from Denver to Fort Collins, to have the funnest dates of my life. Kevin became my favorite person. I tell him things I never dared say out loud before. We get to know each other quickly and in deep intimate ways. The people I was going on dates with begin to pale in comparison to the love I was experiencing. It was all bliss. ## Until... ## “You’re still sleeping with your ex!?” I scream into the phone. It felt like someone punched me. My throat closed up and I couldn’t swallow. ## “I wasn’t going to.” He said. “But when you said we could sleep with other people I thought why not.” ## Silence.