text: I have a dog whose name is Chauncey. He is a border collie/german shepherd mix, nearly four years old, and has the biggest goblin ears you've ever seen. He's a good boy and I love him, but sometimes he's a brat. This is what it would be like to be in his head for 5 minutes... &#x200B; *Ears twitch. Something moved. Or made a sound. Or both. I'm awake now. Must pretend to sleep still while I peek around. What is hooman doing? Where is hooman? Did he leave?!* *I get up in a hurry.* *Oh, there hooman is. Why you leave me hooman? Don't ever do dat again.* *STREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETCH.* *YAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN.* *SSSSHHHHAAAAAKKKKEEEE*. *Okay, now I'm sleepy again. Run around in a circle six times and plop right back down. Aaaaand sleep.* *BUT WAIT. Can't sleep. Hooman might leave again. Also, where is ball? Ball? Ball? Ball? Ball?* *I get up again and sniff around. Ball is NEAR.* *Ball?* *sniffsniffsniffsniffsniff* *Ball? Is that ball I smell? Hmm... Nope. That's my butt.* *What you laughing at hooman?* *Where is ball?* *AH-HA! THERE IS BALL. It is under the big thing.* *I try to get it. Get it. getitgetitgetit. Can't reach.* *HOOMAN! MAH BAWLL, HOOMAN! IT UNDER THING AND CAN'T REACH. HOOMAN!* *Yes! Hooman yes, get up, yes, come get ball. Wait, no, hooman where are you going hooman? Come back here and get ball. No, hooman, ball this way.* *I chase hooman. He goes into the food room. FOOD! Okay, hooman, you can get me a treat and then you get my ball. Treat? Treat? He doesn't hear me. I go stand by the treat cupboard and whine.* *WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE.* *Okay, he's getting up. He probably heard me. But just in case...* *WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE.* *Ah, yes hooman, open cupboard. Yes, gimme treat. Oh yes I good boy. Yes yes yes yesyesyes. Lookit me I sit my butt down and I put my foot up on you. See how good I am? Treat now please.* *NOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM.* *I smack my lips. That was yummy. Can I has more? No? Okay, well, can't blame a guy for trying.* *OH! I ALMOST FORGOT ABOUT MY BALL. HOOMAN COME FETCH MY BALL.* *He doesn't know what I want.* *Fine. I go stand by the big thing, aaaand....* *WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE.* *What do you mean "stop crying"? I stop crying when you get my ball hooman.* *WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE.* *Yes! Get up. He's coming here. Yes, it is under big thing. Yes, you can get it hooman! I belieb in you! Oh man you did it! You got the ball from under the big thing! Yes I knew you could do it hooman! You are the greatest-- Oh! You're getting ready to throw it. I catch!* *I ready. Every muscle in my body is primed to pounce.* *HE THREW IT!* *AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!* *jumptackletwistflipmidairslipballmouthfacefloortumblespincatchslidestoooop* *Stand proud with ball in mouth. TADAAAA!* *Again, hooman!* *What does it mean, "no, I got to work"?* *Hooman, don't go sit down. No. We play ball now.* *Hooman? Hooman!* *He not listening to me.* *I know!* *I'll just purposefully roll ball under the big thing, and....* *WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE. WHINE.* *Don't judge me. If it works, it works.* *Yes hooman. That's it. Ball time now. You work later.* *Tail wag.