text: [AN] also themes of psychological realism CW for mention of suicide. On Monday I became invisible. I don't mean that in a metaphorical, psychological, or spiritual way. I have become invisible and I'm starting to go mad.I feared that I had passed at first, but my body was with me. I could touch people, eat, sleep, and feel the wind on my face. I didn't seem to have any supernatural powers like walking through walls. I could very well be dead and since this is my first time experiencing death it would make sense for me to not understand it. For the most part it was just me enjoying my life without worry of being interrupted, cut off, stared at, bossed around, or nagged by people. I frequently almost get hit by oncoming traffic but I don't blame them. Even when I was visible I almost got flattened in this city. People bump into me alot more now and that doesn't make me feel great at all. I try to apologize, but noone can hear me either. For those reasons I avoid going out at busy hours now. I have enough food in my apartment to last for weeks and it's only been five days. On Tuesday, after the initial shock of discovering what was going on, it was like a dream come true. I could still use my phone to give my manager some excuse that is more believable than sudden invisibility. After the fear subsided, I was at peace for a short time. I could still hear people outside my windows being their usual loud, and vexing selves. I could deal with that; I've learned to tune them out. Even though I've tried my hardest to create a quiet life for myself, I can't escape every single person on earth. On Wednesday I thought about this more. Would I even want to escape everyone? I don't have any living relatives I talk to, and I don't really have any friends either. The only people I talked to consistently were my coworkers but I keep them at a distance from my personal life. I come off as a schizoid, but it's not that I don't like anyone. I've learned from a young age that sometimes the cost of relationships outweighs the benefits. This belief has been challenged lately. I found myself missing some things about being visible. Babies would smile at me alot. No reason why. I'm no model, but I'm not ugly either, maybe they see something I don't. Simple, short interactions with people that either made me chuckle or embarrassed is an aspect of everyday life that I'm starting to long for again. Even non verbal forms of communication like gestures, nods, and physical touch are things I never even thought were so important to me. I work at a restaurant as a barback and even though my interactions with my coworkers are short, they are often pleasant except if I mess up on something. Even still, the small amount of validation that I am a human person that takes up space in this world and exists is something I yearn for again. That yearning then spiraled into an almost primal need for someone, anyone to see me. As the hours passed by I started to feel a kind of despair that I cannot describe that well in words. I didn't sleep that night and watched the sun rise, but felt nothing. I started to experience feelings of depersonalisation and derealization for a few moments on Thursday. Let me tell you something, feeling that while also knowing that you are in fact invisible is something you can only understand through experience. Thursday felt a little too surreal. I could no longer keep my existential thoughts at bay. I spiraled further into a depressive state. I wondered why I couldn't find peace within myself. I started to question who I even was. Even without this whole invisibility situation going on, I'm not sure I ever figured that out. One would think this is the best time to go out and “find yourself” but what does that even mean? I fear becoming invisible didn't create these feelings but only amplified them. I suppose a lot of who I thought I was was based on what I did. Usually I'd just go to work, go to the pub, then come home and sip Moscato while watching the tonight show. Obviously that wasn't a good enough answer for me so I started to think of my accomplishments. I was a gifted kid, turned burnt out adult so my accomplishments were mostly in my childhood. I kept hitting walls in my own thinking so I tried to think about how other people felt. I researched online and it seems that most people figure out who they are very early in their life. It's subject to change, but it's mostly built through life experiences and interactions. I've always felt like most people have their very own distinct vibrations. Every thought and belief is like a soundwave that reverberates off the walls that enclose their inner self. I don't hear much within myself. I have no echo within me. Today I thought about suicide. Stood on the balcony and let my thoughts come and go. I decided not to, because if I truly had no idea who I was then before I die I should at least know who I am. If it turns out that I'm just an evil person in disguise, then maybe I should do the right thing. But I really don't think I am. For right now, I guess, I'll just start with my name. I am Zephyr. That's who I am. And if there is any God or deity out there that can hear me or read my thoughts please know that for the rest of my life I will find myself. Right now I'm sitting in an empty seat at a café typing away. Hopefully no one decides to try to sit here. People have been avoiding this seat since this morning. I think I'm truly going mad because I thought I saw a little girl staring at me again. The mother said she likes me. I became visible on friday.