text: Let me start by saying I wrote this a few years ago when my little brother attempted suicide. I was in a bad place at the time and needed and outlet. Writing has always been one for me along with music, videogames and hiking. The escaping reality feeling has always helped, but this time it wasn't. This is about a veteran struggling with discharge from the military, his life experience and how the va treats us. I've always intended to write more part (4-5 total) but never get the time. Please let me know what you guys think here. PART ONE This is a story about how PTSD effects a persons mind... Let me stop here quickly and say everything that will be stated has happened to many veterans. The VA administration does not care about us. I am not personally complaining about the things that happen to us. Yes we all made a choice to serve our country. It not that the claims that we put in are denied either. It is the fact that every time we, as veterans, need help, we are forced to go through extra steps to get ANY KIND of help at all. People think that the military takes care of us and we get massive amounts of money, the issue is that what people are being told about what happens to us IS NOT TRUE. This story is hopefully going to help people understand the thought process of someone with PTSD, it does not make you violent, it does not cause people around to get hurt. The problem is the miscommunication with the civilian population about PTSD. PTSD is post traumatic stress disorder. ANYONE can have it from ANYTHING they have seen or personally been through that would put an extreme amount of stress on ones mental state. PTSD is more about depression and reliving the things you have been through to the point you break yourself down mentally. In this story the issue was that "Jeffery" thought he was alone, when in fact he wasn’t. The military takes care of our own, there are multiple groups out there that help veterans and families that are faced with experiencing PTSD within their homes. We take care of our brothers and sisters. WE are the ones that help. The VA takes credit for everything good that happens with a veteran, but when a veteran decides to take their life they REFUSE to take responsibility for the care they refused that person.... The biggest issue with our current generation is that they don’t realized that the ones that love you most are the ones willing to fight the most for you. There once was a soldier who had served nearly three decades in the military. This persons name was Jeffery James. Jeffery had served multiple deployments and had many near death experiences while on each of his deployments. Anyone that ever spoke to Jeffery never seemed to have anything bad to say about him. Though his subordinates seemed to sometimes have fearful thoughts about him, but they could never place why... until one day... This particular day, Jeffery had been out running errands. He had to go to the bank one day and in the process of being there he had noticed, out of the corner of his eye that there was a man with a revolver under his coat. Jeffery had been armed this particular day, he thought something seemed off for some reason. He seemed very anxious and couldn't place why. He didn't know what the cause of it was and he had contacted everyone he could and asked if they were all okay. Everyone had responded to him telling him that they were all fine. The one person he didn't check on.. was himself.. (People may think that saying he didn't check on himself may sounds kind of dumb, the thing is.. soldiers are trained to "check" on themselves in the attempt to make sure they have complete mental awareness of what they are doing and thinking. The issue was that on this day.. he didn't do this). As he saw this man he instantly proceeded to responded to the man as if he was a threat. Jeffery pulled his sidearm, as he was reaching for it the man attempted to reach into his coat and grab his revolver, the problem was that the man didn't have enough time to respond... The man was shot once, one shot straight to the mans femoral artery... as the mans body crumpled to the floor, Jeffery noticed that the man had a police badge. Jeffery instantly thought that he had made a mistake, He knew he was going to be labeled as a "cop killer" by the media. He knew he had misread the situation, his anxiety had gotten the best of him, and by allowing it to do so he knew he was going to jail. He was afraid of what was to come. As the man hit the floor, his body lie limp, with the mans badge and wallet near where his body had landed Jeffery ran to the man. The people in the bank started screaming. With all the yelling and crying going on, even though he had just assaulted this man, Jeffery proceeded to try and attempt first aid. Jeffery Immediately unclipped his belt and pulled his belt off, attempting to make a tourniquet for the man. Jeffery pleaded with the officer to hold on until paramedics would respond. Jeffery's pleading was heard to no avail because the man had bleed out. As officers responded to the scene at the bank, they questions Jeffery whom stated he was a retired veteran. The police thanked him for his service but inquired more deeply into why Jeffery had shot the officer. Jeffery had told them that he had only seen the weapon and that the officer had reached into his coat, He had thought that the officer was reaching for his weapon and he had responded accordingly. He was remorseful for what he had done but the problem was that he had shot an officer of the law and that he was now under investigation for what had conspired. As he was placed in handcuffs he seemed to blackout, he thought about his deployments, how so many near death moments had adversely affected his mental state, he started to question if any person he had every harmed really deserved what he had done to them. He attempted to count the bodies that lie at his feet in this moment, he thought about how many lives he may have taken unjustly. With no one to talk to about what he was going on he attempted to push it to the back of his mind. As Jeffery came to he realized he was in a cell at the police station with an officer telling him "You are being detained until we can go back and watch the footage of what happened". He understood this and thought that he would be okay, the way it looked to him, he had in fact done the right thing. The issue was that he couldn't have been anymore wrong at that moment. Over the next Seventy-two hours he barely slept. His thoughts had messed with his mind. His mind was going in overdrive thinking about everything that had happened in his career. He though about the times he "smoked" his soldiers and about the times he had taken direct action against another human being. He wondered if he might have misread those situations as well. If he had taken a life that wasn't doing anything harmful to him or anyone else. Perhaps the people he thought were placing mines we not actually doing what he thought. Perhaps the contractors working on his FOB we not actually conspiring against the military. As he lie awake thinking about everything, he started to second guess everything that had happened over the years. He thought that he may have in fact misread every moment something happened and by doing so what he perceived as a threat, might not have been anything more than a friendly gesture. -Twenty years later- Jeffery had been tried and charged for the murder of an officer of the law. He was getting out of prison today. He tried to think about everything that had happened over the last two decades. He had been able to watch the news while in his cell. He saw how America had declined over the time, he thought about trying to help with what had been going on but he could not think of a way to do so. He pushed the thought to the back of his mind and walked out the exit gate of the prison. As he did one of the guards asked him "So what are you going to do now?" Jeffery shrugged and said "I have no idea, I have no family, no home, no job, nothing... I'm a soldier though. Trained to push though the adversity and find a way to deal with the issues at hand." The officer make a short chuckle and told him "good luck". Jeffery walked for hours though downtown Detroit. He was right, he didn't have any family, no home, no food, no job, nothing. He didn't have any idea no what he was going to do. He left like how he did when he was getting out of the Army twenty years ago. They had giving him outdated information and told him good luck. The prison had done the same thing during his rehabilitation processing. Jeffery found a bridge and gathered his few belongings near him and settled there for the night, As he lie there falling asleep he thought again about how he may have made a horrible mistake all those times and if he would ever he able to make amends with what he had done. The problem was that Jeffery had done what he thought was right in every situation. He continued to question his choices until he fell asleep that night. As Jeffery awoke the next day he realized some of his belongings were missing. He wondered how it had happened, had he slept that soundly? How had someone come along and took his stuff without him waking up? He for once didn’t have an answer. As the day went by, Jeffery had went to the Local VA office and attempted to sign up for housing assistance and benefits, since he was still on terminal leave when the shooting occurred he hadn't been allowed to have access to a computer to be able to sign up for them. As he walked in he noted that the hospital had a strange odor to it, it reminded him of death. The smell of putrid corpses. He couldn’t understand why the hospital would have such an odor to it. He also noticed that other veterans would look at him strangely as he looked around trying to figure out where to go. As he walked he eventually found the "help desk" and asked them "Excuse me miss, how do I enroll for benefits?" she quickly responded in a somewhat forceful tone "You need to go online ASAP and enroll on our sister website called 'E-benefits'. It is there to help US process your claims quicker. Just go somewhere and fill out the forms and send in a copy of your discharge papers." Jeffery was confused on why he would have to go though all the extra work where there was a sign just down the hall that read "claims" on it. He thought a moment on how to ask this quest, then thought against it and asked, "Miss, if I don’t have resources to get a copy of my paperwork or internet access, how do I go about filing a claim?' The lady responded quickly again "You need to contact the head office of VA affairs in DC to get a copy of them then. You will need to write a written request with all of your information and dates of service, then go to your local library and file the claim." Jeffery was somewhat upset with the things she said and it didn’t make any sense why he had to go trough all the extra steps. Why couldn’t he just go down the hall and get it done. They should have access to his records, right? He just decided to leave and do as she stated. He had just gotten out of prison, he didn’t want to seem angry and cause problems. -Two days later- Jeffery sat at a local coffee shop writing his request. He put all information he thought was needed to get ahold of his paperwork. The issue was that he needed an address to have them sent to. When he was sentenced his home was sold by the bank. He didn’t have an income to pay his bills with so he understood why it was done. As he finished his letter he put a phone number on the letter and asked that they call him at the local pay phone so he could explain his situation. He didn’t know how they would respond to his request. He had been staying under the same bridge for the past few days. His thoughts kept haunting him. He felt like he was loosing his grip on his sanity. Every time he had a moment he would think back to the moments he acted, to the lives he had taken. He kept thinking he may have made the wrong choices. He wished he had gotten married, had children, a family. He had almost married once while he was in the service, but he deployed and while he was gone, his fiancé had cheated on him. As soon as he found out he was home on leave and found her at home with another man, enraged he hit the man and left. How could she be in HIS home and do such a thing. He didn’t understand the simple things in life, or how someone could betray another person like that. Unsettled by the memory of her, he pushed the thought to the back on his mind. He sealed the letter and placed it in the drop slot of a local postal box. -Three weeks later- Jeffery had went by the VA hospital a few more times over the past few weeks. Every time he had went there, they had told him "We have not received any file on you from D.C. still, we don’t have any idea when the paperwork will come in. Its not that we're saying you're not a veteran, but normally the paperwork would have been here by now." He was hurt by these people trying to "help" him saying this to him. He tried to recall what the Army had told him about the VA. He thought he remember them saying that they always helped and when he got out, his file would be in the VA system. It seemed that the information he was given was wrong. He was hurting, he needed someone to talk to. He needed help. His pride was the only thing that kept him going right now. One thing could change his entire mindset. He needed help now. The problem was that the VA seemed to be having "issues" with the paperwork. Jeffery went across town to try and find the local hospital to inquire about getting seen by a mental health specialist. After hours of walking he finally found his way there. As he walked in the first thing he noticed was the smell again. The same exact smell that the VA hospital had. He walked in pushing the smell to the back of his mind. He asked to talk to someone because he had been thinking about harming himself recently. The nurse asked "How often do you think you have these thoughts? Just about everyday for the past twenty years... Really? Is the first time you are thinking about getting treatment? Yes... Okay, I will need you for you to go a few windows down and have them put your insurance information into our system and we can start getting you help sir." Jeffery thought about it for a moment and realized he didn’t have insurance, he proceeded to walk out the door when the nurse asked, "Sir, where are you going?" "I do not have insurance." Jeffery replied. He continued to walk out the door, the nurse picked up the nearby phone and spoke to someone. At this point, Jeffery was outside and headed down the sidewalk away from the hospital. As he was walking a police cruiser pulled up. Two officers got out of the vehicle and approached Jeffery. One of the officer asked how he was and why he was at the hospital. Jeffery told them that he came to try and get help for what he was going through. The other officer spoke up quickly, "What's your name man?" "Jeffery James" "Hmmm... Do you have any kind of identification on you, Mr. James?" "Sadly no, I just got out of prison three weeks ago." "What you were in prison for?" "I... I was involved in a incident in a bank here in Detroit 20 years ago.. I... I have made a mistake and misread a situation and shot an officer..." The first officer slowly reached towards his sidearm and unlatched his holster, prepared for what may happen. The second officer, put his hand out and said, "Let me talk to him. See what happened more in depth. Sometime we hear only certain parts of what is going on." The fist officer responded with a nod and said "I'm here if you need me.. Just say the word..." The second officer nodded and walked to Jeffery. As they spoke, Jeffery told him of the entire day and what he thought he saw that horrible day. He explained that his anxiety had gotten the best of him and that he had acted irrationally. The officer whom was also a veteran, told Jeffery that "sometimes we allow our emotions to dictate who we are as human beings. What we THINK we see isn't always how it happened." This may Jeffery even more upset. Though he didn’t show it, his thoughts were flooding back to him. How he may have made the wrong choices on those deployments, that he may have given the wrong orders to his soldiers and how they got injured or worse. Jeffery was in tears. The officer asked "What's wrong?" Jeffery asked, "How do you determine if you made the right or wrong decisions? How do you know that what you told someone to do was the right thing?" "I don’t.. I know that’s not the answer you are looking for, but at the end of the day we did what we thought was right. How many people could handle what we have been though? How can we second guess ourselves when we have a mission? That mission to try and keep every single soldier with us alive when we leave that FOB. We cant allow ourselves to question out decisions the day before. I hate to say it, but during that time we have to be numb. By allowing our emotions to dictate who we are and how we act will take more lives then save them." The officer replied. Jeffery had never thought about war in this way. It shed new light on the situation he was experiencing. He had never had someone to talk to about these things. The military always said for you to go to Mental Health If you were having a rough time, but Jeffery knew what would come of it. He knew they would label him. He knew they would secretly whisper behind his back. His platoon would fall apart by thinking he would fail them. He needed to be strong during those rough times. He was the person who was put in that positon to keep order within his platoon. As he was thinking to himself the officer placed his hand on Jeffery's back and asked him "Where do you live?" "No where at the moment. I have no home. No Surviving family." Jeffery said quietly. He didn’t realized that depression had kicked in since he had gotten out of prison. He didn’t continue to pay attention to his mental state. The officer noticed this and told Jeffery, "Here is what we are going to do for you. There is a half-way house just up the road, we will take you up there tonight if you are willing and get you a roof and warm food in your stomach. " Jeffery smiled a bit and thanked to officer for what he was doing for him. The officer had kept his word and got him into the shelter. He had also gave Jeffery his cell phone number to call in the event anything happened to him. Over the next few months the officer checked up on him at the shelter making sure he was doing well and not getting into any trouble. Jeffery started to build a bond with the officer. That bond kept growing. He helped Jeffery get an ID card and gave him a part time job at his home after getting to know him more. He thought Jeffery was a great person but internally was hurting, the biggest problem was that even with talking Jeffery seemed to still be struggling internally. The officer didn’t know how to really going about helping Jeffery, he had went to DHS and tried to get him state help. They said they couldn’t help. Since Jeffery didn’t have enough paperwork to prove he was whom he claimed to be, they couldn’t do anything. The officer tried over and over to get him help, but every time it seemed he hit a wall. -Two years later- Jeffery still had not heard anything from the VA about his benefits, but had gotten a job and a vehicle all while keeping in touch with his friend. His friend had helped him so much over the last two years to get him to where he was today. He had a small apartment, a shitty job, but a job nonetheless and a vehicle that was able to get him to and from work. Jeffery on the way to the officers home to see if he had work was stopped about a block out. He noted there was police tape all around a cruiser but didn’t know why it was there. He got our of his car and approached one of the officers guarding the area to make sure people didn’t enter and asked "What happened here? Did the officer get hurt? I have a friend I have been working on the force for the past few years that lives just up the road, was he involved at all?" The officer quickly replied "Are you Mr. James?" "Yes, why?" Jeffery asked. The officer told him to go to the station house, an investigator had something for him. Jeffery went to the station and asked who he needed to speak to involving an accident. The clerk directed him to the investigators office and told him to wait outside. Eventually the investigator appeared and told him to come in. They talked to a little while and handed him a note that had a hand print on the out side of the white envelope that read: "TO Mr. Jeffery James." Jeffery asked "Is this needed for evidence?" The investigator answered "You need to read what is in there... it will do you some good I hope..." Jeffery looked questioningly at the officer and opened the letter that read: "Brother, This is for you. I have seen your struggle lately, Even with everything that has happened to you over the past few months, I have also been struggling. I want you to know that my family left me, my wife took the kids and the car last week with the divorce. The house is still in my name and my will has been changed to say that YOU and ONLY YOU are to have the home with all furnishings. Everything in the home is to belong to you. If anyone demands that this home belongs to them, send them straight to my lawyer and contact her directly and tell her that this letter was left for you. She has the spare key to my home. I want you to know, even though it came down to this, you are family. Family does not let each other fail. Even though I hid what was going on with me, I have but one condition for you to keep this home. We all struggle from time to time, we all have our issues and personal demons we face everyday. Some of us get eaten alive them, others fight back and win. You are the fighter. I want you to help our family out brother, help them like I helped you, even though I made this choice and refused to show you what was truly going on with me, you still helped me over these past two years. You got to know who I am as a person. You got to see a side of me, that people haven't seen since I served. I want you to know, that the day you got injured in 1980 in Bosnia it was because of me. I refused to listen to your orders and by doing so, it cause you to be harmed. When you told me who you were two years ago outside of the hospital I knew who you were. That same injury is why you lost your memory, I knew you couldn’t remember who I was. I knew it was the greatest leader I had ever came across in years. You taught me how to be a great leader even with knowing how the real world was and how people were. You taught us what it meant to care about one another. That our platoon was a family. If the weakest link in that family failed, the ENTIRE family worked together at once to fix the broken link by hand. A family takes care of things 'in house' and by doing so it builds trust. Trust that is needed in our line of work. For the past two years I lied to you. I lied and refused to tell you what had happened. By doing so it ate me alive. It truly did. It ate at me so much that I will end up taking my life today during a traffic stop. This note will be left on me to show that even though I made a horrible mistake back then that could have taken your life, that you are still here making a tremendous impact on people lives. Sincerely SSGT Mark Johnson" Jeffery was fraught with guilt. He had never noticed that his platoon was around him. He finally saw after all this time that he and the others had been fighting along side one another. Just like every other time. He trained these guys that they were a family. He instilled it into them, that FAMILY ALWAYS came first. That family did not have to be related to you at all. Family was the bond you built with those around you. FAMILY were the ones that were ALWAYS there to help you in the roughest of times. His family was and had ALWAYS been all around him. Jeffery turned to his old friend, face full of tears and said "We WILL fix ourselves together like always. I wish I had noticed sooner about what was going on. I have gotten complacent over the years. It is not just me though. ALL of us have. We must band as one again and make us a full family. We must reach out to all of us. We are ALL a family, regardless of if we directly served together or not!" -END PART ONE- While you have been reading this there are over 300,00 homeless veterans sleeping on the streets. The worst part is that number continues to rise. Over 1.4 million veterans are at risk of becoming homeless. More than 67% of homeless veterans currently on the street have served our country for at least three years, these people have given everything and we as a society continue to fail them. The moral of this story was to directly show HOW PTSD affects ones mind set and causes those who suffer from it differntly. No two people that suffer from PTSD experience the same exact mindset. EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. PTSD affects us like we have different opinions and situations. We might not like what someone else says but no two people feel EXACTLY the same about what was said and a situation. Some of you may see this as helpful, others may want MY personal experience. What happens, happens. At the end of the day we ALL need to band together. WE ARE A FAMILY. WE ALL may have served in different capacities but we all fought the for the same outcome. We left behind our loved ones to fight for a war that we didn’t actually understand. Even though we did that and may have never met IN PERSON, but we all are a family. Regardless of any differences we all want the same thing. To help out brothers and sister in their time of need. This may just be part one of what I am doing, but I hope it sheds some light on the issues we as veterans face.