text: Magic is dying. At least that's what my grandmother says. I can't believe her though. It's not like magic was ever real to begin with. Sure it's been several years since the cherry blossoms have bloomed but that doesn't mean they were magic. It's all because of global warming. As I walk outside my apartment complex I take a look at the cherry tree in the front. When I was young every year it would have these beautiful blossoms that would slowly appear, stay for a few days and then fall. It was nice, I suppose. I don't really remember them. I guess I took them for granted as a child. Now the tree hasn't had any bloom for the last four years. It still goes green but there are no petals. Spring time is supposed to be the cherry blossom season. With the white flowers blooming and people drinking under the tree. Taking a branch in my fingers and holding it to my nose I can just smell a hint of the blossom that's hiding in here, but it refuses to come out. Why has nature abandoned us? Is it a punishment for all the hell we've given it? Dam, I'm late for school. I just make the train. It's the same train I've taken for the last four years. When I sit down I see her. Sitting across from me as usual. A foreigner, with long brown hair and big green eyes she looks like something from a fantasy story. She looks a year older than me and goes to a different school. Ishtar I think it says on her label, I don't recognize the uniform though even after the four weeks she's been on the train. She doesn't wear any make-up but she doesn't need it. One of these days I plan on saying "Hi" to her, but the timing is never right. Maybe today will be better. I just hope that she doesn't say no. I'd better wait. I don't want to get hurt. No maybe I should... Here's my stop. Darn. That was too quick. I'll try again tomorrow. It's not like she's going anywhere. Besides I'm sure I'll be able to work up the courage tomorrow. "You got off again. Why do you never talk to me? It's been four weeks since I first saw you. I knew then that you were the one. You are the only one I could ever have, but you ignore me. I know that you look at me and I can feel that you like me but why do you never try? What could you be scared of? One word on your part is all it takes. One word and we could have had a connection. I can't keep coming here any more my Tammuz. Today was my last day. I'm sorry but I no longer believe that you wish to hold me. Farewell my love. I'll try to hold on to the magic as long as possible but I must go home. Please remember me. Find me if you can. If you even want to." I get on the train that evening and try to look for her again. I had a strange dream in class about her but I don't remember much about it. I'm a little worried but not much. She's sometimes here but not always. My evening schedule often changes so I don't always get to see her. I was sure that this time I was going to talk to her. I'd even worked up my line. "Hi." That took me three hours to decide. Oh well. She's always there in the morning. I'll try it again then. "Magic is dying. Can't you see it." I hear my grandmother say as I walk in the door to our apartment. She`s on that topic again. Mom's convinced she has dementia or some sort of psychotic fit, but grandma is pretty much all there. "I'm home." "Tam, sorry could you be a dear and run to the store. I forgot the milk." "Mom I just got home. Come-on." She gives me the money. No choice. I take it and put my shoes back on. "Look at the cherry blossoms. You can tell that she`s not doing her job. It's going to be the death of us all I tell you. She's missing something." "Okay Ba-chan. Do you need anything at the store too?" "Get me some smokes, and don't tell your mother. She'll throw a fit. Here's a 50. You can keep the change." Grandma is cool like that. I know some of the things that she says are weird but that's just who she is. Stepping outside I take another look at the cherry trees. As grandma said I can see them wanting to bud and I'm sure I can smell something but no. Global warming has done its job too well. Better get the milk. I have some homework to do before bed. I leave early the next day and quickly pass the tree in the courtyard. I want to make the train before it leaves. This day I'm going to talk to her, I can feel it. The air feels a little dryer than yesterday and kind of strange. It hasn't rained in a few weeks but I think it smells a little like my closet full of moldy books. I make the train but when I sit down in my usual spot she isn't there. Maybe she changed seats. I get up and start looking down the aisle. I don't see her or her purple uniform. She`s never missed before that I can remember. I remember a bit about the dream yesterday but push it aside. I walk up and down the train aisle and even open the door to the next compartment. Still no sign of her. Maybe she's sick today. I'll have to try her tomorrow. I really wanted to speak to her and I can't really hide my disappointment when I get to school. "Hey why so sad Tam? You look like you lost your dog." "Morning Shin. No I just had a bad train ride. There's this cute girl on in the mornings. I really wanted to talk to her today but she wasn't there." "A cute girl? Really? Don't tell me our resident herbivore is switching diets. The girls will be so jealous. They wanted to be the one to catch a hunk like you." "Very funny. It took me four weeks just to work up the nerve to talk to her. It's not like I get the chance to do that often." "Of course use the school as an excuse. Nobody asked you to go to an all boys academy. You could always transfer to the other one across the street." "That's not it." I could try explaining but they just don't get it. They are always able to talk to the girls that visit. I have trouble just looking at them. I get all tonged tied and fidgety. If any girl liked talking to a pile of sweat she'd be mine. But I don't think that such a girl exists. The next day on the train is the same and so is the day after that. I don't see her for the whole week and next week is the spring holiday. That's two weeks and nothing. Not a glimpse of her. I'm getting kind of worried. "What's wrong Tam?" I look up at my grandma taking a seat across from me at the kitchen table. "You look upset." "It's nothing Ba-chan. Just some troubles with a girl." "Really? Tell me about it." Since I was a boy I could always talk to my grandma about everything. She's been living with us for the past six years and despite her belief in magic she's always been pretty dependable. I tell her all about the girl on the train and how I wanted to talk to her but the minute I got up the nerve to do it she disappeared. I really would like to find her. I tell her how when I saw her bright smile, green eyes and brown hair I knew she was unlike any of the other girls I had ever met. I pour out my soul and she sits there quietly, listening. When I'm done she doesn’t say a word for a few minutes. "Tam have you thought about trying to track this girl down? I know you can draw and she sounds like a foreigner who would stick out. You could probably work up a sketch and ask around." I sit there stunned. Why didn't I think of that. "Thanks Ba-chan. I'll do that." "My pleasure dear. And don't forget to check everywhere. You never know where you'll find her." I draw a description of her uniform with the label on it "Ishtar" and the next day I start asking at the other stations down the line. I don`t know exactly which one she gets on but I know it's probably one of the local stations. I try the first one back and then the next one before that and the previous one down the line. At every station I get the same answer. They've never seen the girl. "Sorry." I go back further and further but no luck Finally I reach the first station on the line, my last chance. "Oh yeah her. I saw her almost everyday. It's kinda odd to see a foreigner out here. I mean this is the middle of the countryside. She get's off the express train coming from Nagoya and transfers to this local one. I don't know where she starts from but I haven't seen her in the last two weeks. Maybe she went home." I thank the station man and sit down off to the side. The Nagoya train? Where does she come from? Maybe she did go home as my dream said. It`s hot and the heatwave doesn't look to be ending anytime soon. Maybe I should just go home too. I know my grandma would be disappointed in me but if there's no way to find her then what can I do. Standing up I look over at the wall of TV's at the side of the station. That's when I see it. Her uniform. It's the same purple and the same design. I tried looking for it on the net but there was no school in Japan that had that design registered. But there it was. The school must be really private. I put my face close to the screen hoping for a glimpse that will tell me where the school is. I'm not disappointed but I wish I was. India. Time passes. "Help me Tammuz I need you. You are the only one who can save me." I wake up in a cold sweat. That dream again. It just started suddenly and now I've been having it every night for the last two weeks. Ishtar is floating in a void of some sort surrounded by billowy clouds and wearing almost nothing. It's a good dream but I wake up just before anything really exciting happens. It`s been five years since I stopped looking for her. After finding out that the uniform was from I school in India I tried to track it down on the net but no luck. I even called the studio that did the piece I saw it on but still no use. My mother wouldn't let me go to India then even though grandma said she'd pay, so that was that. I had to move on with my life and I eventually just forgot about her. That is until the dreams started Beep beep beep beep Ah nut's I'm going to be late. I jump out of bed and quickly pull on a suit. I run out of the house holding the toast my mother made for me and just make the train. Panting I scarf down the toast brushing the crumbs into my hand so I can throw them away later. There are no seats so I have to stand but that's okay, it lets me look out the window. It's springtime again but still no cherry blossoms. They just haven't been appearing anywhere. Even the tress no longer smell like they have something waiting to sprout. If anything they smell like my old socks which is not a good smell. The heat is becoming oppressive and there is no end in sight. Ten hours later I'm still at my desk. Working for a big advertising agency is all well and cool but they do drive you hard. I've been here for two years now but I'm still getting used to the job. This place is better that what it was though. That big scandal last year over the girl who committed suicide really forced them to cut back the overtime hours, even if it doesn't feel like it. "Hey Tam we're about to go out for some drinks. Wanna join us?" I look up at Jun and Soichi, My sempai. They know how to work the system at this company to get out of the worst of the overtime but I don`t want to go. They head out almost every night and the last time I got so drunk I woke up on the station steps. Besides I don't think my wallet can handle it. "You're going out for some drinks? Do you mind if I tag along?" Dammit the boss. There's no way I can say no now. "You're going to the usual place right? I'll catch up. I just have to finish this report." "Okay, but don't take too long we'll be waiting." I wave bye to them as they head out the door. Another night of drinking. And being the youngest they like to force the beer on me. They say we're bonding but I think they just like to get me drunk. I'm so tired and this report is staring me in the face. Five minutes. I'll just close my eyes for five minutes, dash this off and head to the party. I'll beg off after one drink and head home. Five minutes. "Tammuz I need you. Where are you? Why have you never tried to find me? Why did you give up? The magic is dying Tammuz. You are the only one who can rescue me Why have you forsaken me? Why!?" I wake with a start. I'm groggy and look around unsure. It takes me a second to realize I'm still at work. I look at the clock. 3 am. There goes the party and my report was erased when my head hit the computer. Tomorrow's going to be hell. I'm not disappointed. My boss chewed my out for messing up the report even though it turns out they didn`t need it. Just some busy work. Jun and Soichi ignore me, so that's good but I heard them bad mouthing me to some of the other sempai because I didn't come to the drinking party and left them all alone with a boss who doesn't like to pick up the bill. When I finally get home it's 12 am. I've been at work for two days straight and my socks are standing up on their own. "Tam are you okay? You weren't home last night and I couldn't contact you on your phone. You aren't overdoing it at work are you?" My mother is waiting for me at the kitchen table. I shake my head but don't answer and head to the shower. The hot water feels so good. "Tammuz." I jerk awake. Sleeping standing up is dangerous. I quickly finish and drag myself to bed. I gotta wake up at 6 am tomorrow to get to work. "Tammuz are you happy? Is this what you want? Do you wish me to go? Is this your desire? Like the last time?" I reach for her but she turns away from me and vanishes. My heart is breaking. I feel like a pit is swallowing me up. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Again I wake up. 5 am, early this time. I don't think I'll be able to sleep again and after that last dream I don't want to. Getting up I go to my desk and pull out an old notebook. Inside is the sketch I made of Ishtar. The same one from my dreams. I remember what it was like seeing her on the train. It was like I'd always known her. She had a presence about her that felt hypnotic even after all this time. I wanted to find her then and did everything I could but, well, life got in the way. She asked me in my dream was I happy and I had to think about that. When my mother wakes up an hour later I'm sitting at the kitchen table. "What is it dear?" She sounds worried. I wish grandma was still here but she passed away last year. She was easier to talk to. "Ka-san do you remember me wanting to go to India a few years ago?" She tilts her head. "I want to go there again. I have something I have to find there." "What about your job?" "I hate it and I don`t like my co-workers. I can't say no to them and they know that so they're always giving me the worst jobs available. Just like in school. I can't stand it. I've made a choice. I want to try and find her." My mother is silent. The last time we had this conversation she used every sneaky mother trick she had to make me feel so guilty that I quickly gave up any desire to go. "I can't talk you out of it this time can I?" "No. My mind is made up." She silently goes to her drawer takes out a thick letter and gives it to me. Then she starts to make breakfast. I`m puzzled but I open it up. There is a piece of paper in it and a huge wad of 100s. I stare at it with my eyes wide. Opening the letter I recognize Ba-chan's writing. "Dear Tam. If you're reading this letter than you have finally made the decision to follow your dream. I made your mother promise that when this day came she would give you the money and no guilt. With it you can start your journey. It's all I can do to help you find the magic again. I think you need it as much as it needs you." "Is this for real?" I look up at my mother. She's just finishing the toast and putting some salad on the table. "Ka-san?" Silent she looks at me. "Your Ba-chan wanted you to follow your dream. I guess I did too, but after your father was transferred up north I guess I didn't want to be alone. I think I may have placed too much on you." She sat down at the table. "After seeing what your job was doing to you I didn't want you to continue but I didn't know what to do. I know you love design but the hours and pressure. I'm afraid that if you continue like you are I'll lose you too." This was the most vulnerable I've ever seen my mother. I get up and give her a hug she returns it for a second then her usual cynicism comes back and she pushes me away. I feel great. My bosses at work almost refused to let me go. They kept telling me how valuable I was and how much they needed me but I couldn't take it. Two years without a vacation, 40 hour weekly overtime shifts and useless make work projects are finished. I was really happy to see the back of Jun and Soichi. They were made for this company. I have my ticket and passport. All that's left now is getting there and finding the school. I have done all the research I could and I know it's in the south in the main coffee producing area of India. From there I'll have to expand my search. It's been five years but I feel better than I ever have. Making this decision was the best thing I could have ever done. I really wish I had done it earlier. Even the smell of the trees is getting better. I could swear that I smelt a hint of cherry and not the usual pungent socks order. It's too bad blossom season is almost over. The way I feel now seeing the petals would put me over the top. "Tickets please." I find my seat on the plane and look out the window at the airport. Since making the decision to do this I have never been so scared or excited in my life. A few times I wanted to back down but no. This is the most confident I've ever been about something. I can't wait to get there. The only sore spot is that my dreams have stopped. I don't know if it`s a good thing or I bad thing. I kinda miss them though. "Excuse me is this seat taken?" I shake my head while still looking out the window. I can't wait to get started. The woman sits down next to me and I catch a whiff of her perfume. It`s a nice smell. It reminds me of spring as a child. Fresh and green. I love this smell. I close my eyes trying to remember where I last smelt it. Maybe the train? "Please fasten your seatbelts. We'll be taking off shortly." I risk one last look out the window as the plane taxis to the runway I swear I saw a white flower on the tree outside. Maybe global warming hasn't killed them all yet. "Is this your first time traveling?" I look at the woman sitting next to me. About as old as me but more fashionable than I could ever be. She reminds me a bit of Ishtar. "Yes. I`m on my way to India." "Really? What are you going to do when you get there?" "I`m looking for somebody. I have something I must tell her." "Thant sounds very romantic. Is she waiting for you at the airport.?" "No. I have no idea where she is. All I have is a memory and a picture." I show the woman the picture I drew. She looks at it and wishes me good luck and opens her book. She was nice but I can tell she thinks I'm kind of strange. I mean who travels around the world looking for a woman they don't know. The only other person who knows what I'm really doing is my mother. I think my grandmother guessed I'd do this before she died but that’s it. The funny thing is I feel more alive now than I did working that job. Maybe this was the right choice. I mean just talking to the strange, attractive woman should have unnerved me but it didn't. I'm really looking forward to finding her. It's been five years since I've been home. India was beautiful and I've been able to learn so much about this wonderful culture but I still haven`t found her which is disappointing. The dreams haven't come back either but I don't know how I feel about that. When I arrived in the country it took me a while but I found the school. It was located in the south western part of the country, close to the tip. It's name was Ishtar girls academy so that told me I was on the right track. It was local, very small, elite and difficult to access. When I got there I tried to find out if anybody from the school had ever gone to Japan. It took some doing because they were very private and protective of their rich clients but I found that a few had. When I showed my sketch the headmistress said she recognized her but refused to give me a name or any information beyond the fact that she had graduated. None of their records were available online and after getting that much information I was shut out of the school. They refused to let me back in after that. So I searched. Starting around that school I searched everywhere. Spreading out in wider and wider circles. No luck. Everyone I met who looked like the picture I drew just wasn't her. Many times I wanted to give up but the memory of that last dream, the loss I felt, spurred me on. I also spent time learning how to grow coffee, farming silk and just cultivating the land. The experience was eye-opening. The work was harder than the advertising company ever was but I didn't feel the weight of a soul-crushing presence over me. In Japan I was used to concrete. The hills to protect against landslides. The rivers to prevent flooding. The parks we had were small and dedicated to the spring cherry tree which had stopped blooming. Nature was controlled for the most part. But here it was alive. Not once in my time here did the trees smell like my socks. Sometimes they smelt worse but that was just because of the fertilizer. From what I could see global warming had nothing on this place. And the people. They were so friendly. I was able to make so many friends that when I told them I was heading back to Japan they threw me a farewell party. They had to rent a huge hall to hold everybody. When I compare my time here to my time in Japan I can't help but love it. Even if I couldn't find her. However it was time to go home. My mother is getting older and I am the only one who can take care of her. I don't know if it's what Ba-chan would want but I miss her. I know what I'll do when I get there. After spending all this time learning how to farm I'm going to continue. I still have some of Ba-chan's money left so I'm going to use it to invest in a farm and grow something. Besides it'll give me time to continue searching and maybe do some drawing in my free time.. My life replays itself as I land at Kansai airport and am reminded of how sterile everything is here. After so much time in the sun I don't know if I can take it. The smell hasn't really changed. I already miss the fresh smell of dirt and don't know if I can take sock again. "Tam is that you?" I look around and a man is approaching me. It takes me a minute to place his face but then it hits me. "Soichi. How have you been?" I can see he's been successful. His suit is freshly pressed and he has on an expensive watch. A Fred Perry. He's carrying a Louie Vuitton suitcase as well. Those things cost money. "Pretty good. I've been made head of the department and we just got back from a business trip to Singapore. I couldn't believe it when I saw you here. It brought me back to the old days, remember?" I can see a subordinate behind him looking frazzled and stressed. His suit's not as clean and it looks like his suitcase has seen better days. "That's good to hear. How's Jun?" "We got married three years ago and have a daughter. I don't get to see them much because I'm always busy but they are doing well. I try and get back home once a month. In fact I'm going to stop by there before I head back to my place in Tokyo." Watching his face as he spoke I felt that he was missing something. His image now was all he had. It was too perfect. He was always trying to do as little work as possible and take it easy, but now? I can't quite put my finger on what it was until I asked. "Are you happy?" He looked startled at the question and tries to blew it off like he usually did before. I think if I was the old Tam I wouldn`t even have asked him. However five years of living in the sun and talking with people, not at them, have changed me. I'm not the same man I was before I left. "Yes really happy. Anyway I have to go. Talk to you later." Soichi looked quiet as he left and gave his subordinate a sharp wave to follow after him. He's no longer quite as carefree as I remembered him. Getting on the train from the airport I take it home. I missed this. Not the silence on the ride, the sights. Looking at the people sitting staring at their smartphones and completely ignoring everything around them I have to smile at what they were missing outside the window. I partly can't blame them. It's spring again so the cherry's should be blooming if the heat hadn`t been so strong. When I transfer to my local train and sit down I can't stop a smile coming to my face at the memory of her. This was where I first saw her. The moving train lulled me to sleep. Near home a bump wakes me up and there she is. Ishtar. Sitting across from me. This must be a dream but she hasn't appeared to me there in over five years. This can't be real. Groggy I rub my eyes and pinch myself for good measure but no it's real. There she is. I'd spent ten years of my life looking for her and she pops in right on the same train I've always ridden. My grandmother always said magic was everywhere and looking at her I could understand why. She was beautiful. If anything the years have made her even more perfect. There was still no need for makeup. Her long brown hair and green eyes sucked me in just like before. I want to jump up and dance for joy. My journey is over. All I need to do was talk to her. To tell her "Hi." But I can't. After all this time it was like I was back in high school. What if she says no? What if she rejects me? That same herbivore that burst into a pool of sweat at the mere thought of talking to a girl was back. Is everything I had experienced over the last ten years gone? No! I won't let this slip away again. "Arriving at Akameguchi station. Please remember to take your bags and belongings when you exit the train. Watch your step and have a nice day. "Hi, my name is Tam. Nice to meet you. What's your name?" "Next station is Nabari. Please stand away from the doors as they close. This train is departing the station. Thank you for riding and have a nice day.