text: Chapter 1 - Inner Turmoil In 2019 I met a girl named Chelsea and she meant the world to me. It was odd because I met her while attempting to distract myself from the pain and rancor I had built up over the past 10 years. In 2010 I joined the Marine Corps and I never had regrets but I had lost so many friends that my life turned upside down. I hated myself for being alive and I missed them every day. That was then, this is now - I don't feel much of anything anymore. I'm more of an empty shell than anything else. I had actually planned to kill myself within a few months, I just wanted to get everything together and make sure everyone else in my life was alright before I left this world. It's a feeling that's hard to explain because on one side you don't want to live with the pain anymore and everyone always thinks you can get better and tell you to just try but they don't understand that nothing makes it better. So you have to make a decision on whether you want it to end and make everyone else upset or keep living in pain every day but you don't cause others grief. I had already decided that it was better for me to leave this world because I wanted to take care of myself and what was best for me is to not live in pain anymore. I've done enough for this world as it is, at least, that's the way I saw it. I changed my mind because of this girl, she completely turned me around in just a matter of a few months. It's interesting because I never cared about what anyone else told me, I never cared to push forward because I never valued any other person's beliefs except my own. I was born with the IQ of a genius, the particular number doesn't quite matter. I just happened to see everyone else as beneath me and idiots. It was innate, I had recently come to face the facts - not everyone is like me and I can't judge everyone based on the criteria that governs my life. I happened to be playing a game online and I just heard this voice, a thick New Jersey accent and I chuckled, I thought it was funny. Most of my friends were from Jersey and I always made fun of them so I figured I would be nice this time and not say anything. I kept my mouth shut and then I wouldn't talk to this girl again for another month. I kept moving forward in my plans to get my affairs in order and leave this world but then I heard her voice again as I sat in my room trying to numb my pain by downing whiskey, smoking cigarettes and playing video games. For some unknown reason, when I heard her voice, I was taken aback. I knew I wanted to get to know her more - I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HER AT ALL! I COULDN'T SEE HER! This was crazy, I'm trying to meet a girl that I can't see, can only hear and who has no reason to even talk to me one on one except for the fact that we played the same game. It was so interesting because I had no idea she felt the same way towards me. I rationalized it because people meet others online, right? What could go wrong? Well, a lot went wrong. I was still working at the time but at this point I was working for the CIA and going to class, I know, weird but it worked for me. Essentially I kept my original job as an operator but instead of MARSOC I worked as a spook. Same job, same pay, same everything. I would disappear for months on end and I didn't know how this would go. Anyway, back to this girl. I asked her if she wanted to join me and a friend, his name is George but he goes by Kiwi, in playing this game as a regular group. "Well, you're both cool, I like you guys...of course!" she said. "Dope! Here, this is the server we hang out in and you're welcome to join us anytime" I replied. I remember I was telling Kiwi how she was going to come hang out with us and by this point in time Kiwi already knew her. He liked her as well, just not in the same way I did. Everyone in our group welcomed her and immediately proceeded to ask her about her accent. Some guessed Boston, others guessed New Jersey. At this point I was taking care of my nieces, my sister had recently passed leaving a distraught family and her 4 daughters with no home. About half a year ago my brother-in-law had asked to borrow my motorcycle because my sister really wanted to ride one, they couldn't afford one and it was her birthday. I never liked him but I love my family so I agreed to let him borrow it. He drove over to my house, left his car and took my motorcycle. That motorcycle would be my sister's killer. I felt horrible. I got a phone call from my other sister. "Hey, where are you?" said Eve as she sniffled, struggling to catch her breath and calm down. "I'm at home sitting on the couch with Champ. We're watching TV, what's up? What's wrong? Did something happen?" "Grace is dead. She was in a motorcycle accident. Mom knows it was your bike and she is pissed. Dad can't gather himself right now. Why would you let them borrow it? That's a really powerful bike." "I...what happened?" "Kevin was speeding and hit the side of an SUV and Grace went flying over, smacked the ground and died on impact. Kevin hit the side of the SUV. Broke his right clavicle, cracked his right humerus, broke both his femurs and has a flail chest. He's in the hospital. I had to tell you because mom doesn't want to talk to you and I know they wouldn't tell you otherwise." "Ok...thanks...umm...I won't come by then. Thank you for telling me. Text me in case I can come by at some point." I had dealt with so much death, seen most of my friends die, get shot, blown up, bleed out, I just didn't have the emotions to deal with this anymore. I sat there, thought about it and turned off the TV. I sat in the dark as it was getting late, for hours. I sat there for 6 hours remembering past deployments, holding my friends in my arms as I saw the light leave their eyes. I moved past PTSD and I was at the point where I didn't care about people's feelings anymore. I had to text my sister back and ask her where the girls are, my nieces. She said they haven't been able to figure out where to place them but she's hoping they can stay with me because everyone else is so distraught it wouldn't behoove them to stay with anyone else in the family. I could offer them an environment free of everyone else's crying and telling them how they should feel. It's something everyone does, they think they know everything and how people should act that they try to tell you what to do and want you to do it but you know you can't. At least with me, with my lack of emotions, I won't force them to act or feel any type of way. I accepted and made up the rooms I had at the moment, it was just me and my dog. I cleared out the master bedroom and guest bedroom and got them ready for them. It was at this point I decided I wasn't going to be able to leave this world just yet, I needed to see this through. This was about 6 months before meeting Chelsea and if this hadn't happened I never would've met her. I never would've gotten to know this angel I can't seem to let go. Chelsea would play with us all the time, till random hours in the morning. Sometimes we would play until 4 or 5 o'clock. She was regular member of our group. The names of the others are irrelevant because they aren't seen much anyway. In the beginning we all hung out and played but everyone grew distant whereas Kiwi, Chelsea and I only got closer. She lived in Florida, I was in Ohio. My nieces wanted to go to Disneyworld and I didn't want to go. I really didn't. But because I had so much free time I said sure and I always caved whenever they asked me for anything. I commented this to the group. "I mean...I have a ticket in case you want some company...I don't know if it would be awkward..." I was shocked at what I had just heard, I don’t know this girl but she just volunteered to come spend time with us. I laughed because I thought she was joking and I said the girls would be uncomfortable with it. They hadn't liked me bringing girls over so I figured they wouldn't like it but I hadn't actually asked them. Later on while messing around with my friends I ended up finding out she was being serious. She also told me later on. At the time I was so confused, what do I do? What do I say? Does she actually like me? I'm broken, I hate my life and I didn't want to be alive but, yet, here's a girl who is trying to push herself into my life and I'm freely letting her in. I knew I shouldn't, she'll only get hurt. Everyone I date gets hurt and since I'm the common denominator I can only assume the problem is me. I was stuck, do I pursue this or do I step aside? I'm in terrible shape, I just took in my nieces, I'm mentally unstable - I even had a plan to kill myself! Well...I still have the plan, once the girls are well and they are no longer living with me.