text: I guess I should’ve known it was coming to an end when I walked into my living room that day. I guess, to an extent, we both knew it was coming to an end. First sign of trouble was the fact that the light in my study was the only one turned on in the house, meaning the only place she could be is the one place she hated. I had been arriving late from work the last couple of weeks, but I guess I just drove slowly to avoid being in the same house as her. But even as I say this, a part of me still loved her, even if things had been a little rough this last year. But this day felt different, today something was about to change, I knew it as I got out of my driveway in the morning and I know it as I go in at night. I guess I should’ve known it was coming to an end when I woke up and he had already left for work. Not a “goodbye honey” or even a note explaining why he had to leave for work early. I went about my day as I usually did, had breakfast alone, took care of the garden and worked on my novel. Had lunch and took a nap in the afternoon. Today was different and I didn’t know if I could place why. I decided to visit his study and read a couple of the things he was working on. After all, I was sure that his late arrivals at home didn’t mean he was off with some mistress, he wasn’t like that. There must've been something in his mind that made him act distant, an inch of loneliness that his eyes practically yelled. As I got through the garage door, I knew what was coming so I neglected my usual greeting. No “Honey I’m home” or light whistling. I just took off my shoes, left my briefcase and my jacket in a living room sofa and poured two glasses of Merlot. I sighed and walked towards my study. The door was closed and I debated whether I should open it or not, maybe something wasn’t going to happen at all. Maybe we could both continue with this facade. I was lying to myself and it was time to face the music. With an ever-deeper sigh I propped the door open with my arms. I heard the keys jangling and I knew he wasn’t going to immediately come here. I heard his briefcase and jacket hit the sofa, he was coming in without shoes, he never did like using them indoors. I heard he also opened the pantry, probably to pour himself, or both of us, a drink. Whether it would be whiskey, gin or wine I couldn’t guess. I had no idea if he shared the same ill-fated thoughts as I did, perhaps he did and this would be a lot easier than I imagined. If he didn’t, well if he didn’t, I’ll deal with it later. “A little help here” I said with a fake joyous voice, as if pretending to joke. She faked surprise to see me come in at the same time I faked surprise at her being in the room she so despised. She was sitting in the carpeted floor, but with a quick action she stood up, opened the door and I handed her one glass of wine. She closed the door behind me and sat back down on the carpet. I sat in a leather chair which I use for work. We stared at each other, glass in hand, and for what seemed like an eternity didn’t say a single word. I thought the spark we had had at some point was still alive when he came in. He always found a way to make me laugh. But this time his lies were obvious. He knew the jig was up. He knew something was wrong. His undone blue tie, pearl white shirt and black slacks were all but a mask of relaxation hiding the deep realization that was happening within. I sat up to help him with the door and sat back down into the carpet, amongst thrown away documents, a couple of pens and coffee stains. He sat in his old, torn a little to be honest, leather chair. We stared, both at the wine and at each other, we knew something was wrong, and neither of us wanted to be the first one to address the elephant in the room. I was the one that broke first, she had always had some power over me, I just couldn’t resist it, watching her suffer broke me as well. “-Look, I know you feel something’s wrong, I feel it too” “-I guess there is something wrong, if we both feel it” “-I guess so”. Another awkward silence followed. “-Honey...” I said inquisitively. “Do you love me?” “-Just what kind of question is that?” She responded brashly “Of course I love you”. “-Then what is going on? Right here, right now, what are we doing, and why did we pick today to do it” “-I... don’t know”. We both took a sip of the wine cup and stared at the floor. Her brunette hair had always mesmerized me, but there was something that made me stare at the mahogany desk instead. Turns out he was the one to start the conversation. The last conversation we might have when we could honestly say that we loved each other. His first question though kind off threw me off. He had never been the insecure type, he could be sweet, but I’m sure that if he asked me if I loved him, he must have a reason to doubt it. As for the second question I honestly did not know. “-Maybe it’s time we both laid down all our cards and figure out what were doing, with all this” I made a superhuman effort to avoid an impromptu voice crack and took another sip of my cup. “-Well, as far as I know” he answered with his smug courtroom voice “We love each other, have always loved each other and will always love each other” “-Is that the truth? or is that the truth you want to prove to yourself” I could tell she was hurting; she was unusually aggressive in her responses and had taken a defensive stance in her arguments. “-I thought it was our truth, the truth that we believed in” “-Well, I have no idea what truth you have been believing in this last few weeks, you always get home late, now, I know you’re not cheating on me so what’s going on, I also know you don’t get off work that late so why don’t you want to be here”. This last response hit me hard. I wasn’t sure what to say, my legs felt like jelly and I couldn’t focus enough to take a sip of my wine. “-Well what about you?” I managed to put up a wall “I’ve been practically living with a ghost, you never say anything to me, always working on your novel, you even pretend to be asleep when I go to bed” He was right, there was no use hiding it, I didn’t have an answer for his accusations. I didn’t have anything else left to go on so I couldn’t throw anything else at him either. “-Well perhaps were done then, perhaps these last years have been a farse and its time we own up to it” I said, the shadow of a tear had begun to form in my eye. “-Well this farse is everything I have” he raised his voice, an unusual behavior, but it wasn’t out of anger it was out of pain. “and it is everything you’re ever going to get” Truth is I didn’t want to lose her, it was partly true what I said, she was everything I had. The mere prospect of a separation, living alone again, terrified me. If she could tell I felt alone right now, how bad would it get if I lost her. “-Well perhaps...” she said softly “-Perhaps what” I laid down the pressure. “-This might be something we can fix” she said again, now with a cracked voice, I could see tears falling on the documents below her beautiful eyes, and I was praying that she wouldn’t see the ones hitting my shirt. “Fix what love, we can’t even tell what’s wrong and we want to go out of our way to fix it”. There was such a long silence after that, between sniffles and sobs, that we both manage to finish our cups of wine, he had always had good taste for it. “-Do you remember the last time we danced?” I asked him, not sure what kind of answer I was waiting for. “-Of course, but that was so long ago, you’re going to have to remind me how to do it properly honey” a short chuckle followed his answer “-Well I also did last time, you’ve never been that good of a dancer” She stood up and I could admire her beauty. On cue I also stood up, my socks rubbing against the carpet. That embrace had been everything I had ever hoped for or ever needed. The study was a ball room, the carpet marble floor, her sweater a dress and my shirt and slacks a tuxedo and cufflinks. I held her tight against my chest, kissed her forehead and began to lead. Had a few missteps here and there but she didn’t seem to care. Her hair smelled like roses and her steps were angelical. At one point we stopped, I held her chin in my hand and stared into her eyes. “-Not yet darling, I want to keep dancing” she said and without saying a word I obliged. And just like that we danced. Both of us, as one. Whatever spark had been there once will probably never bee reignited. But in that moment, as the both of us danced it was like going back to where everything was fine. We both agreed to keep dancing. But to this day I don’t have the answer if we did out of love, out of fear that if we ever stopped, me just might never dance again.