text: “Sometimes I wonder if you like me...it feels like you hate me.” I didn’t know how to respond to that. I didn’t know how to reply to that message that popped up on my screen as I scrolled through the messaging app. I was looking at other conversations when right at the top of my screen, the message popped up. It felt like a full ten seconds before the notification disappeared, though it was probably only one or two; they didn’t stay on the top of the screen for long. It couldn’t be my fault, right? This wasn’t my fault. I ran my hands through my hair; I didn’t even notice how oily it was from not showering for the past few days. I barely noticed how messy my room was as I waded around to my bed, putting down my phone and opening my laptop. I booted up the app again and navigated to the conversation. The screen went from a black or dark grey to a vibrant background. It was from one of my favorite video games, but I hardly cared as I put in my password. When I finally opened the app on my computer, I noticed that my friend went offline. I wondered why they would say this. They were my best friend after all. Even though we haven’t known each other for the longest time, I did tend to think that we were quite close. I had spent time with them several times, we went out to eat and shopping together, and we saw each other whenever we could. That was right, wasn’t it? It probably didn’t matter that they were being more distant lately. They probably needed to be alone. It wasn’t my job to look after them. However, it was concerning that they weren’t talking to me when I wasn’t feeling well. I’m trying to communicate that I’m not alright and they seem to not care in the slightest. It did make me anxious, that they didn’t care and all. They should be replying faster. At times they don’t respond to my messages, even when they’re online. I started combing back through old messages, trying to get a feel for where this message came from. I remember that a few months ago I did snap at them. I was a bit rude I will admit, but I don’t know what they expected from me. I get that they were going through a hard time, but I really didn’t want to deal with it. I mean, yes, finding out that you had a seizure is hard, but I really couldn’t deal with it. I had other things to deal with. I was on a self-exploration journey at the time and that took up a lot of my energy. So of course, I couldn’t deal with it and it was awful that they figured I could. They made a big deal about it, as if it was a regular occurrence. Yes, I’m busy a lot but it seemed like they didn’t care. They said that we should communicate better, and that set me off at the time. We had been communicating as far as I was aware. I messaged them all the time about things that I was dealing with, I just couldn’t deal with their problems right when they needed me to. It was inconsiderate of them in all honesty. I scrolled back a little further, when things were better than that period. It just affirmed what I was thinking; that we did communicate. We always talked, nearly every day. I would send them messages about video games that I was into or cool videos I found on the internet. I messaged them about new music that was being released from my favorite bands and I was always able to tell them if I was having a rough day. I wish that they were more responsive at times, sometimes leaving my messages on read for a few hours. This irked me, it utterly irked me. You could say that they did talk to me more when we first started to get to know each other, but I would honestly say that they messaged too much. I told them this a few times, that I thought sometimes they were clingy or messaged me way too often, but that’s just setting boundaries. You can say what you want but I’m not heartless for setting down boundaries. I’m not a monster for looking out for myself. Every therapist, psychologist, and psychiatrist will say that setting boundaries is healthy. I scrolled back down, images and messages blurring together as I tried to get back to the most recent message in our conversation. Nothing really caught my eye as I scrolled except for that conversation, that argument that we had. “I really feel like you don’t care about me or my issues” is the message that my eyes fell on. Of course, I cared I just didn’t always want to have to deal with them. They’re annoying, their issues are infuriating. “Whenever I try to say something, you call it boring or say you’re busy.” That’s true, because they were boring. They’re not an interesting person and I can be blunt about it yes. We’re still amazing friends, at least in my opinion, but a lot of their interests are just boring and otherwise dull. At least I can keep up with interesting things in life. At least I have good interests, I’m involved with things that are actually entertaining. “I just want to feel heard.” I understood that, which is why I was even more infuriated when they didn’t respond to my messages as often as they used to. I felt ignored and invalidated, and it’s not my fault that I didn’t always have time to deal with their life. I needed help and when I did, I reached out. I just don’t understand why they felt the need to come out and say this. I don’t always respond, yes, but that doesn’t mean that they’re not heard. “I want to feel like your friend again.” This one is the message that vexed me the most. We were friends, we were obviously friends. It’s not my fault that at the time they felt the way they did. They should just have re-evaluated themselves instead of sending these messages. I just really couldn’t place why they sent their most recent message. I thought that rereading over this conversation might give me some insight or some clarity, but it did nothing. I reached the bottom after another few minutes of scrolling and looked at the message again. I can’t believe that they’re so selfish. Don’t they understand how this effects my mental health? As I had thought before, maybe they just should have checked themselves out in the mirror first before really trying to blame things on me. “Sometimes I wonder if you like me...it feels like you hate me.” Yeah, it really does. \ This is a story that I wrote fairly recently. I leave a lot of things vague and up to the interpretation of the reader, and even though I have my own vision for the story there are a few different outcomes I've heard from my friends reading this story.