text: Dan kicks the vending machine and curses. It had eaten his money *again*. “Damn thing,” he mutters. “Never gives out. It’s conspiring against me.” The break room’s lights flicker, then cut out. A strange wind whips up. There’s a flash of turquoise. The rustle of a shell suit. “Did somebody say conspiracy?” A voice enquires. “It’s just eaten my money, s’all.” Dan says, peering into the machine, more interested in the dangling confectionary than what had just transpired. But something makes him look. He double takes. Dan finds a portly middle-aged man, standing with his fists on his hips. His first impression being that to rock a shell suit is a brave choice. But to combine it with a cape even more so. “Having some trouble?” Conspiracy Man enquires. “Yeah,” Dan says, giving the machine a shake. “It’s eaten my money.” “Vending machines,” Conspiracy Man sneers, then spits on the ground. “Agents of the illuminati.” “I thought facilities management brought them in?” Conspiracy Man chuckles. “That’s what they want you to think.” “Well, whoever it was, I just want to get some chocolate.” “Don’t get sucked in. That’s what they want you to do! Open your eyes. Question the narrative.” “Which is?” “Chocolate is an agent of the illuminati.” “I thought that was vending machines?” “They both are. It’s a web within a web. Another way to keep the average man ignorant of their devious plan.” “Which is?” “To get you buying chocolate.” Dan scratches his head. “But I want to have some chocolate.” “Oh dear,” Conspiracy Man says, placing an arm around Dan’s shoulder. “Look around and tell me what you see.” Dan looks for a moment. “The break room: A vending machine. A water cooler. Coffee machine.” “Do you know what I see?” Dan shrugs. “The weaponry of the illuminati.” “I thought they were agents?” “Tomato, tomarto.” Conspiracy Man says and spins from Dan’s shoulder. “Take the coffee machine. Do you know what coffee is?” “An agent of the illuminati?” Dan offers. “Exactly!” Conspiracy Man exclaims. “Now you’re getting it. It’s another tool to get you coming back. Sinking your hard earned money into it. Keeping you working and obedient whilst the 1% sit back and laugh.” “But it’s a free coffee machine.” “Yes,” Conspiracy Man stutters. “That’s why they have the vending machine, too. That’s not free.” Dan nods. Whether it was linked to his low blood sugar, this was making a strange kind of sense. “So, tell me. What do you think of this is?” Conspiracy Man says, moving behind the water cooler. “Easy. Another agent of the illuminati.” “No. It’s just a water cooler. We need water to live, Dan. Some things are just needed.” After kicking himself at this schoolboy error, Dan has a moment of clarity. He’s still no further in getting his snack. “Sorry, is this all heading somewhere?” “I’m here to help Dan. I’m here to free your mind. I can open the door, but you need to walk through.” “So, are you’re not going to help me get my chocolate?” “Not at all.” “Because it’s an agent of the illuminati?” “No. That thing is stuck.” Conspiracy Man says, giving the vending machine a good shake. “Nothing is getting that thing out.” Just then, a man in overalls wheeling a sack truck enters the break room and inspects the vending machine. After jotting some details on a clipboard, he moves behind it, turns it off and begins positioning himself to move it. “Excuse me,” Dan begins. “What are you doing?” “Taking it away.” The workman replies. “A faults been reported, so it needs to be taken away for repair.” “Ah, you see what this is?” Conspiracy Man asks, becoming very animated. “Censorship. He’s here to cover up what’s going on. Taking away the evidence before it can be documented.” “Huh?” “Don’t mind him.” Dan says. “It swallowed my money. Is there anything I can do?” “Call this number.” The workman says, handing Dan a card. “They can sort you out.” “Cheers. That’s great.” Dan says with a smile, as the workman edges the machine onto the sack truck before wheeling it from the room. “I told you we’d stick it to the man. Didn’t I?” “You’ve done literally nothing.” Conspiracy Man edges from the room. “Have I Dan? Have I?” But before Dan can answer, the lights go out. They come on again in an instant, but Conspiracy Man is gone. Gone to Facebook or wherever someone needs to know how covid *really* started.