text: I used to look at people when I was younger; Right in their eyes... I would try to understand if they were there, being able of thought abstract and minus self. I used to wish and hope that maybe they were. That something would dawn upon one and they would look at me and I would see, feel, taste anything that would show me. I looked for year's, I got older and older and I still couldn't find it. Every so often i would see intelligence and glimmers of something better described as a twitch of a muscle you didn't know you had. I gave up, I stopped looking. What I couldn't stop was thinking. I grew wary of what I deemed was called hope. That thing that drives people to want and love and fuck, before greed sets in and once was love turns to lust and they forget what they had held once dear. That conditioned morality that was what they thought of as I themselves. Their flawed idea of uniqueness dissolves. As with all things lost, the human condition prevails and one must search. I thought maybe i wasn't looking right. Was it a given? Was there a mass presumption ingrained into us? If that was so then why did I not have it. Why. That was my fall. I turned on my self and I couldn't stop. I kept cycling and cycling in the true fashion of Einstein's definition. I could control it, which only created more whys. Was it really control? If that was up there standing on the soap box, that idea of being able to stop mid breath, Harness one away from want. Then everything was. Sweet opioid. Love. Quite. I could look up now. I felt what i deemed control, that wary thing I carried with me,not for the sake of other as most do, but for myself to keep me from falling away no longer necessary. I could look at someone in the eyes and not wonder or search, but see exactly how they did; feel, touch, taste, be. The notion of my singularity was null. Well for as long as it lasted. It was worse now. I saw I wasn't wrong to question and look. I wasn't asking the wrong thing or not looking the right way. Alone again. Though with more knowledge. I have conditioned others to act differently why not me? I tried so hard. tearing bit by bit away. Using more and more to see were work was needed. I slowly unraveled it all and put it back. Then kept using more and more. less breaks. It had to stick I had blend it and life together. Had to forget what I was doing to myself or it would never work. Then I stopped. Time went by. Calmness and ease, that frolic on the beach. But nothing last.... A itch was starting to form...