text: Cancer, cancer is... *inhales* It took you, your mother, my mother, my father, and my sister too. The fact that it's your own body killing you makes it even harder to deal with. Treatment wreaks havoc on everyone involved. I know I dont come to visit you that often but it's so hard for me to come back here. This place serves as a reminder that the only time I'll get to be with you again is when I'm no longer ticking. But at least we'll be together for ever right? It's been so long now that I've forgotten what it felt like to sense you. I can picture your face in my memory bank but my eyes struggle to imagine. It's more of the same with the shrill nasally tone of your voice, oh what I wouldn't give to hear you scold me for forgetting to take out the garbage just one more time. There was something so alluring about the way your voice would crack when you were so passionate about something. The sound of your perfume bottle clanging against your jewelry box as you put it back during your morning routine. Sometimes I'll hear a dish hit another one. If I close my eyes in that moment, it's as if I can still smell you, and the way your natural scents blended perfectly together with that perfume. I miss the way youd walk over to me, still in bed because I always slept through my alarms, and wake me up. I've never told you this before but some days I'd pretend to be asleep because I enjoyed a forehead kiss to start my day. I was just too embarrassed to ask for them. I'm sure you already knew that though. Oh... I brought you flowers. They are lilacs or something. I told the lady at the store that I had a hot date in an hour. She laughed with me, or at me, but I dont care. Then asked "well what kind of flowers do you think this lucky lady would want?" To which I quickly said "Everything blue and or purple." She picked out a lovely selection. I won't take credit for it. You know me better than that. If you were able to, youd be smacking me upside the head saying "that's an iris you dummy." I can't believe we would've been married 53 years this year. My how the time flies. At this point I'm sure you're wondering why I'm talking to you for so long today. The flowers are normal, but babe I've also got some news for you. Yesterday the doctor diagnosed me with pancreatic cancer. I have 8 months to a year to live. If I start treatment today I can prolong it to maybe 3 years in a "perfect" world. I'm not going to be getting treatment. I can't put the kids through that a second time. I wanted you to be the first person I told. I'm on my way to go see them now though and break the news. I love you babe. Hope you saved me a spot at the dinner table next to you. I'll see you soon...