text: Eli giggled madly to himself as he stacked the bear traps up in the trunk of his car. He had tried so many times... but he was confident about this year. Magic was a blight on the world, and one man had been using it with impunity. It was time to remove that threat from the world forever. "What are you doing?" Eli looked over his shoulder, slamming his trunk closed, "Nothing!" Rose Day, his assistant crossed her arms and rolled her eyes at him. The slowly-falling snow stuck to her dark hair as she walked over to him and pulled his trunk open. "Why do you have *bear traps* in your trunk?" "They're not *just* bear traps. There's a little mechanism in the teeth, you see, and when they clamp shut, that mechanism will explode and shoot the teeth into whatever it grips." "What the hell are you *hunting*!?" "It doesn't matter. Don't you have to go visit your family or something for Christmas?" "We save our Christmas gatherings for January." "Okay, so go bother Chase or something." "He's visiting his family in Massachusetts." "Well, go be where I am not." Eli rolled his eyes, "I don't need your condescension." "Eli, you're gearing up for what looks like a *war* on Christmas Eve. What the hell could you be going after *now* of all times? You agreed to wait to ambush Farmer until after Christmas. You can't leave Chase out of that." "I'm not going after Farmer today. Go on. There's no need for you to bother me here." "I'm a little worried about you." "I actually do not believe that." "You're not the worst person in the world. Just tell me." "Fine! I'm going to kill Santa Claus." Rose paused for a second as her mouth hung open. Eli nodded. Rose shook her head. Eli nodded. Rose slowly nodded. "Jesus Christ, Eli. Santa isn't even real. Why would you waste your time hunting him?" "He is a monster that lives far beyond the natural lifespan of any normal person. He changes his name and ethnicity to appeal to whatever nation he's in. He uses vast, dark magical powers to see all the actions of the people in this world, and has speed that carries him to all who believe in him. He is in a coma for three hundred sixty-five days and he punishes children who are on the naughty list. He is satiated only by adequate sacrifices of milk and cookies. He survives the Arctic wasteland with the only documented reason being that he lives in obscurity. He breaks into people's houses while they sleep and leaves items behind, and uses his magic to warp the minds of the nonbelievers to think that they themselves purchased those gifts." "What on Earth is the matter with you? You're a grown man. If he even exists, Santa Claus is benevolent." "Ah, but his power in the hands of a madman could be dangerous!" "*You* are a madman!" "You're damn right!" "Wouldn't this put you on the naughty list!?" "Nah. There's a whole new list for what I am." Eli motioned, "Go on. Leave me to my business." "Are you sure you're doing okay? Are you maybe a little lonely around the holidays?" "I have a dog. I am not lonely." "It's okay if you are." Rose rolled her eyes, "Fine. Is there anything I can do to help?" "If you're going to bother me about it, then yes. I'm getting explosive shotgun shells and a machine gun from Sam's guy." "Your neighbors must *love* you." "Oh, they never notice. He uses magic to induce sleep in people when he's in proximity." "So how do you plan to even be awake?" "I discovered a medicine I can take that makes me immune. I get a little drowsy, but that's why I have a cup of coffee at the ready. This is not my first go with the guy." "Right, right... so you've *fought* Santa Claus before?" "Yeah. Damn bastard is a lot tougher than you'd think." "You haven't tried shooting him?" "His red suit is bulletproof. That's why I'm getting the armor-piercing rounds for the machine gun and the exploding rounds for the shotgun. I've planned this out. I'm not deranged." "Are you sure about that?" "Oh, piss off, Rose." "Why don't I come with you? Help you prepare for your war, and we can watch some Christmas movies or something. It could be fun." "Fine. We'll watch movies while I work. I finally got my VHS player hooked up to my TV, so we can make this happen." "Your willful ignorance of technology truly astounds me." \*\*\*\*\*\* Eli set the box of shotgun shells on his kitchen table next to his shotgun. His living room was composed of three chairs and a coffee table. His kitchen connected right to both the living room and the dining area. It wasn't much, but it was home. However... he did prefer to sleep at the office. "Powder room's down the hall on the left if you need it." Eli pulled his coat and hat off and hung them on the rack by the door, "Don't go right when you go down the hall. That's my room." "Can I have the grand tour?" "Yeah. Bathroom is down the hall on the left, my room is on the right, and my dining room, living room, and kitchen are basically one room." "You're no fun." "I have shit to do, Rose." Eli rolled his eyes, "He comes through that wall, so I'm going to need to set up the bear traps all around there." "Really?" "The one downside to his power is that he is obligated to visit the home of every person who believes in him. He always enters from that wall." "You know, you didn't believe in immortality before... but if Santa is real like you say, then he's immortal, right?" "No. It's a mantle passed down to whoever unlocks the power. He ages slowly, and is cursed to live only for two hundred years before someone new unlocks the power. The old Santa fades to dust and the new one takes his place. But the legend holds that if he is killed, the power of Santa Claus ceases to exist forever." "Eli, have you ever considered therapy?" Eli knelt in front of the wall, setting the bear traps in place, "No, why?" "No reason." Rose eyed the kitchen, "Do you have food in there?" "Of course I have food in there." "I'm going to make us something to eat." "Don't bother. I can cook." "I thought you had 'shit to do, Rose'." Rose rolled her eyes. "Fine. But something hearty. We've got a full night ahead of us, and I need to be at the top of my game." \*\*\*\*\*\* Eli hit stop and rewind on *It's a Wonderful Life* as the credits began to roll, "You've seriously never seen that before? I'm pretty sure people consider it a classic." "I don't watch many old movies." "Oh, man! Jimmy Stewart, Charlie Chaplin, Clark Gable, Fred Astaire, Katherine Hepburn... *Especially* Katherine Hepburn! They're the greatest of all time!" "Yeah, well... the movies of that time could sometimes be a little... prejudiced. I get it if you can separate the racism from the content, but I really can't." Rose motioned to her dark skin, "Because *obviously*." "Oh, yeah... That... that is problematic. Sorry... I... I was inconsiderate on my part." "Don't worry about it. I'm sure you didn't mean anything by it." "How about more eggnog?" "Can we actually put whiskey in it this time?" "I told you I don't like the taste of whiskey in eggnog and I need to be undeniably sober when that benevolent bastard breaks into my home." Eli stretched his left arm out and checked his watch, "Oh, we're getting close. He always shows up at one-thirty-seven. The sleep spell should hit us around one-fifteen... We should take that medicine now so it has a chance to set in before he gets here." "Ugh... *fine*." Eli walked over to the kitchen and pulled out the garlic, the eggs, and the toast. He mashed the garlic and eggs together and sprinkled in some sugar. He soaked the bread in the mix and threw it on a skillet. "The hell are you making in there?" "French toast with garlic." "*Why*?" "It makes you immune to the sleep spell! Are you in this with me or not?" "Ugh! Fine!" "Then belly up to the bar. First one is almost ready." Rose wandered hesitantly to the kitchen, her eyes showing pure disgust at what Eli was dropping on the plate in front of her, "Do you even have a plan for fighting your fake opponent?" "Yeah. I'm gonna deck him in the halls." "How long have you been waiting to use that one?" "Six months." "How's it feel?" Eli shrugged, "I've had better ones." \*\*\*\*\*\* Eli checked his watch. One-thirty-six. It was time. "Positions." Eli motioned toward the hallway, "He's going to come in shooting." "Why would Santa shoot at you?" "Because he knows I'm going to be shooting at him." Eli shrugged, "Have you been paying attention at all?" "Barely." "Well, eyes forward. He's coming." Eli lifted the shotgun toward the wall, "Brace yourself." "Eli, I hate to be the one to break it to you, but Santa doesn't exist. Honestly, if you're lonely, you could have just asked me to hang out with you. Like I said, my family Christmas doesn't happen till January, so I'd be free, you know. We could make this a tradition. Watching Christmas movies, I mean. Eating garlic French toast isn't something anyone should do in their life. You don't have to put on some show about preparing for an ambush from *Santa Claus*. It's really not-" The wall turned to liquid in front of their eyes. The floor shook with each heavy bootstep. The jolly chuckle echoed down the hallways. Red hat, red coat, black boots, large bag of presents, braided white beard, red and green warpaint, shotgun painted like a candy cane... "Holy shit." Rose whispered, "He's real..." Eli jumped up from behind his cover, "Merry Christmas, *bitch*!" Santa reeled back as the shotgun shell detonated against his chest. Eli pumped another round and fired again. Santa stumbled into one of the bear traps, the loud *crack* shaking the building as the trap detonated. "Got 'im!" Eli strode forward, aiming his shotgun, "Ho ho ho, *bitch*! Any final words!?" "Elias..." Santa's mouth spread into a big smile, "You're never going to win this." "I'm sorry, but which one of us got his ass planted into the ground *this* year!? I win! Your reign of terror has come to a-" Eli crashed onto his back and as Santa's boot planted into his stomach. The shotgun clattered away from his hands. Five hundred pounds of pure muscle bore down on him, gouging and striking at his prone body. Eli extended the blade on his brace and drove it up into the jolly man's belly. Santa grunted in pain and grabbed Eli's neck, raising him up and slamming him down into the ground repeatedly. "Rose! Machine gun!" Eli shouted, "Do *anything*!" Santa lifted Eli up and hurled him at the other wall, denting the drywall. Eli slumped to the ground and drew his M1911, aiming for the nightmare's face. "You've tried that before, Elias." Santa rose to his feet, cracking his knuckles, "See what happens." Eli struggled to his feet, keeping the gun on Santa's face, "You... are the worst... person..." Santa grabbed Eli's wrist and twisted, wrenching the M1911 from his hand. The black glove slammed into Eli's sternum, throwing him to the ground once and for all. "Y-y-you're real..." Rose whispered. "Of course, Rosaline." Santa cracked his neck, "Are you helping Elias attack me?" "N-no..." Rose numbly shook her head, "I am so... so sorry... I didn't believe and... uh..." "Don't worry about it. Elias and I have been at this for a long time. I suspect I'll see him again next year. Unless someone takes my place. I've already beat down five other people, and I've got about seven more I'll have to put up with tonight. It's part of the job." Santa patted Rose's shoulder, "I'll leave your present at your apartment. Which reminds me! Elias!" Eli groaned. "I brought you something." Santa walked over to Eli. Eli's head rolled up to stare at the jolly son of a bitch, "What?" Santa set a bright green box in Eli's lap. Eli's hand slowly rose to remove the lid. The tissue paper fell away as he dug his hand into the heavy box. "New... revolver..." Eli muttered, "And several boxes of hollowpoints... you thoughtful son of a bitch..." "What do you say when you receive a give, Elias?" "Thank you, you big jolly asshole..." "Should I get him to a hospital?" Rose whispered. "Don't worry about it. He'll be right as rain once I leave." "Didn't he stab you?" "Tricks of the trade, Rosaline." Santa walked back toward the wall, "Merry Christmas to both of you." Rose waved weakly at Santa Claus and watched him melt back into the wall. She looked down at Eli in disbelief. Eli felt his bones and bruises heal slowly, relief washing over him. "Did that *really* just happen!?" "Yeah. Dammit. I thought I had him this year. I'm thinking more bear traps next year." Eli struggled to his feet, "Maybe a landmine... except that I'd like to not blow up my whole apartment. If I could get a claymore aimed at that wall... I might stand a chance. I'd just need to talk to the landlord about renovating or something first." "D-do you want to just watch another movie right now?" "Sounds good to me." Eli shrugged and dropped onto the couch, "And Rose?" "Yeah?" "Thanks for spending Christmas with me. It... It means a lot." ========================================== Feedback and whatnot are always appreciated! Also, Merry Christmas to All, and to All a good night! Or Happy Holidays if you don't celebrate Christmas.