text: “Why was it so important to be here this early on a Saturday, tell me again Anil?” Filip was grumbling from his seat next to me. Around us were the plain white walls of Vace & Associates’ Auction house. Rows upon rows of folding chairs filled the auditorium we were in and the red trim and generic paintings on the otherwise plain white walls continued to offend me. It seemed odd that a room this large had less than a dozen people sitting in it, but as I glanced around I saw the tired faces of three older people -two women and a man- behind me, and the backs of the heads of another five people ahead of us, closer to the front. Filip and I were seated closer to the middle, in the most neutral seats, I thought. “Because I’ve figured out how to win these things,” I told Filip confidently, he was resting his elbows on his knees and was looking at the carpet, it was that carpet you saw at every convention center haunting me as always. He was holding his paddle loosely in his hand, he hadn’t wanted it but the attendant at the entrance insisted. He did glance at me at those words though. “You do realize the way to win an auction is just to... bid the highest, right? That’s what these paddles are about,” be flipped his paddle in the air carelessly and I had to resist the urge to chastise him for it. “This isn’t a normal auction,” I said instead, giving him what I hoped was a mysterious smile. “Is this one of those ‘you pay, just not with money, oooooohhhh’ situations?” “No, just a normal auction.” “You literally just said it wasn’t a normal auction, not five seconds ago.” My frown deepened, “on the scale of normal auction to an auction where you bet on things with like, souls and remaining years of your life this is 99.9% of the way to a normal auction.” “How many decimals would you need before you could just call it a normal auction? I feel like if you have to specify that it’s 99.9% of the way to a normal auction it’s easier to just call it a normal auction.” “It’s not a normal auction-” “You just said it was-” “The only reason I said it was 99.9% on the side of the normal auction was because the other end of the scale was so ridiculous. A webcam is 99.9% of the way to being pair of burks if the other end of the scale is it being a half-sentient hivemind of bees striped with the imaginary colours breen and plorple.” He was silent for a beat. “That scale doesn’t make sense.” “It was just an-” “And how could a hivemind be half-sentient anyways? I feel like sentience is one of those things where your species is either all in or they’ve folded.” “I didn’t really-” “What is sentience anyways?” I opened my mouth and closed it, thinking a moment before I responded. I was saved by the auctioneer banging a gavel against his podium, he must have slipped in while we were talking. “Ah, we have some people in attendance, good good, I trust everyone understands the rules of a dollar auction, but I must, ah, explain anyways,” said the auctioneer in a gravelly voice. “This happens twice a year?” asked Filip. “Once every two, shh.” “You will all be bidding for this dollar,” the auctioneer revealed a framed silver dollar behind a glass screen, “the top bid takes the dollar, but the top two bids must pay.” Filip frowned, “you’re doing this for a dollar?” “I’m doing this to make a statement.” “That you can buy a dollar?” “The bidding naturally will begin at zero, the aucioneer’s bid as they say.” “No, I’ve solved the theory behind this, if I get this dollar it proves my theory correct.” “What’s your theory, wait- I don’t care, a dollar?” I turned to my companion, “Filip, do you honestly think I’m doing this all for a dollar.” “Yeah you’re doing this to make a statement, or whatever.” “What if I told you, hypothetically, that a dollar auction wasn’t the highest they go.” Filip frowned, “go on.” “There’s a two dollar auction, five dollar, a thousand... but the theory, the method for coming out on top, that remains the same for them all.” Filip was silent for a beat, “who the hell told you about this?” “You just gotta spin in the right circles,” I said, flashing him a smile. “Oh, god, never say that again.” “Just imagine me, walking up to a stage, having won a million dollars at an auction. There is cheering all around me, they’re in awe that I solved the puzzle-” “And then everyone stood up and clapped.” I frowned, “why can’t you let me have this moment?” Filip pulled back, “what moment? Your imaginary moment in your head that definitely hasn’t happened? Let me remind you, Anil, an auction isn’t a puzzle. You can’t solve an auction except with money.” “Watch and learn, baby.” “The bidding begins.” I raised my paddle instantly and called out, “ninety-nine cents,” to the visible dismay of the few in attendance around me. I turned to Filip and murmured to him, “You see, betting ninety-nine cents still gives me a profit of a penny, just over one percent. Nobody will bid a dollar because that just exposes them to needless risk for no possibility of profit, as long as I’m the first person to bid, I can’t lose. Everyone else will just walk away.” I could see Filip frowned at me, “what if-” “A dollar.” We both turned to see the woman at the front with a raised paddle, shooting a sly look our way. “What the fuck is she doing,” I couldn’t help but mumble. “Now I might be wrong, but it appears that she’s getting revenge for you ruining her fun, I suppose she was one of those people who actually wanted to wake up so early on a Saturday to participate.” “She can’t make any money, though.” “And you’re down ninety-nine cents, I guess you’ve learned a valuable lesson, good thing this isn’t a million dollar auction. I frowned, “If I bid a dollar and one penny I’ll only be losing a penny.” Filip groaned next to me, “but if her motivations are purely to get revenge she’ll just keep outbidding you by a penny and you’ll be even worse off.” “You might think that, but you’re not accounting for human emotion, people aren’t perfectly rational beasts.” “So you’re saying she won’t outbid you again?” “I’m saying she will if I just bid an extra penny-” “Oh no-” “I raised my paddle, “dollar ninety-eight.” I looked over to Filip once more, “you see it’s really quite simple, these people are all chumps, a big bet like that will scare them off, and I’ll only be losing ninety-eight cents as opposed to ninety nine. I knew the risks that were involved and I came prepared.” I was watching the woman like a hawk while I was explaining this to Filip, if she did choose to bid again I’d beat her bid instantly, asserting dominance. Her paddle arm twitched up, and mine was up as well in a flash. “Four dollars.” “Three doll- what the fuck four dollars?” Filip looked at me and cocked his head. I responded to his unspoken question, “this is an anomaly, she’s clearly crazy. You know she’s actually losing more money on the four dollar bid than if she just ate the cost of the dollar,” my words were coming out in a frantic whisper. “Kind of like you would have lost less if you just ate the cost of ninety-nine cents?” “That’s different, I had a strategy, you shouldn’t be able to win without a strategy.” “I mean, her strategy appears to be to bid more money than you and it seems pretty successful.” “That’s not a strategy.” “Once again, this is an auction for a dollar.” I just shook my head in disgust. “Going once, going twice, sold! To the woman in the front!” There was scattered applause around the room that I refused to participate in, my eye twitched when Filip started clapping loudly next to me. “Alright Filip, let’s go, and I don’t want to hear any I told you’s, this is as big of an outlier there’s ever going to be?” The woman was making her way towards us with her dollar and I was nudging Filip in the side trying to get him to leave with me, but he was moving painfully slowly. In fact, it turned out that he wasn’t moving at all, he approached the woman and gave her a quick hug. “Hey Sara, good to see you.” “Hey Filip, this is the guy,” she asked, nodding over to my frowning face. “Yeah, can you believe he made me drive him here this early on a Saturday? I’ve been up since five in the goddamn morning,” Filip complained, “anyways here’s your ten bucks,” he said handing her a bill. She nodded smiling and I could only watch as she walked out of the auditorium. “You... you paid her?” “Uh, yeah.” It all came together, and I told him so, “it’s all coming together, she was acting rationally all along, you paid her to beat me, there was an external factor that caused me to lose, the theory is still sound!” A thought occurred to me, “but wait, seems like you lose the most in this situation, was someone paying you too?” Filip looked at me with that same inscrutable look I’d been seeing more and more often in recent months, “no dumbass,” he said finally, “it was revenge for making me wake up this early to drive you, Sara just lived nearby and she was up so I texted her to come here and mess with you because, and I really want to emphasize this point, this was an auction for a dollar.” I was silent for a few moments while I processed that. “So is she splitting the money with you or...” Filip just raised his hands in exasperation and began walking away.