text: The rat is the ugliest animal of the animal kingdom. They eat trash. I mean, think of that - you're at a restaurant and some guy gets a menu and says "I'll have the rotten egg with some shit on it." That's what rats are like. They also will eat each other when they run out of trash to eat. So, it's like they are at that restaurant and they are like "What's on the menu? Oh, nothing. OK, I'm just going to eat my children." Then they make those rowwrowrow eating noises and everyone tries to ignore them, but they can't because it's horrific and then everyone leaves and it's like "OK, way to fuck up dinner, rats." Then you never go back to that restaurant and they go out of business and that's what's wrong with the economy. *The Human* The human is like a dog, but bigger. *The Goatee* The goatee is a special animal, and not to be confused with the goat. The goatee is a hairy little muskrat that will climb on your face if you play old Phish albums and stay there until you get a job. *The Goat* The goat is like a dog, but with horns. They will eat anything. This one time I fed a goat some nuclear waste and it was like "Dig in!" And it ate all the nuclear waste and became a super goat. You might wonder what a super goat does - anything. I actually got it to get me groceries and clean my yard. The super goat is totally cool. But the regular goat, like the one before the nuclear waste, they suck. Sure, they will eat anything and can clean up your lawn, but do you really have respect for that kind of animal? No, it's like the manual labor slut of the animal kingdom. I have no respect for goats. *The Pig* Often maligned, the pig is actually a pretty cool animal. They will eat almost anything. Not everything, they aren't scumbag goats. They have self-respect. Anyway, they are also cool because they will turn themselves into bacon for BLTs. But don't go asking them for mayo or lettuce or bread or tomatoes - they aren't goats. *The Horse* The horse is like a dog with really long legs and way more obedient. The dog will get your paper and stuff, but the horse will actually let you ride it around. It's all piggy back time with the horse. The horse doesn't care. Anytime - "Hey, horse, can I piggyback ride you?" And the horse is like "You bet, I'm always game to give you a piggyback ride." The horse is cool. *The Ant* The ant is this little speck of a guy that trundles to and fro all the live long day on the ground. They pick up food and are like "Hey, better get this food back home." So, then then turn around and take it back home. But they're like Communists, so they share their food with an entire hive of ants. There's like millions of them. Just hanging out and waiting for food or running out and getting food. But there's also a queen. She has wings. So, on holidays she'll fly up and get really cool food, not just stuff that other ants found on the ground. Like ripe apples and berries. But the joke's on her, the apple is way too big for the hole in the hive, and she just ends up plugging up the exit hole and all the ants die because she's stupid. Stupid queen. *The Possum* The possum is the only animal that is always dead. You would think that the definition of animal would include being alive, but not the case with the possum. Every. Single. One. Is. Dead. They are born out on the street and they are basically some fur and a bunch of guts. They just lay there and wait for hillbillies or the highway patrol to pick them up and eat them or bury them. They are the laziest animal besides the tree. *The Tree* The tree is like the laziest animal in the animal kingdom. It literally does nothing. It grows, but that's not really doing something. It can't move, unless the wind blows. And when that happens, all its leaves fall off and then it's just this naked tree in the woods and you have to shield your kid's eyes, because it's a naked tree. You're like "Hey, isn't it beautiful out here?" And your wife goes "Yes. What's that?" Then your kid goes "That tree is naked!" Then you freak and your kid is scarred for life and you burn the forest down and YOU end up in jail. Not the tree. Bunch of bullshit. I hate trees. *The Bird* The bird is like a dog with wings. They eat food and fly. That's all they do. Sometimes they air-hump and lay eggs, but that's it. They are like the most boring animal. But, they sometimes will give otters rides on their backs and then the otter is in control and he will do loop-de-loops and cool 360s and stuff. That's when the bird can be cool. Otherwise, the bird sucks. *The Dog* The dog is said to be man's best friend. But in truth, man's best friend is Jim. The dog has been a companion for man for millions of years, but Jim will let you borrow his car and sleep with his wife. Jim is THAT nice. You try asking a dog for that kinda help. *The Rhino* The rhino or rhinoceros is the last of the dinosaurs. They have been around for millions and millions of years and are still dino-looking. They are also the most dangerous animal after the hippo. But the most dangerous animal is the hippoceros. At 7'5 it has a vertical leap of 7 feet and can ruin your game. *The Tiger* The tiger is basically a lion with not as much fur. Basically, up in heaven, God was sending animals down and he was telling everyone of them "Don't forget your coat." But the tiger was like "I don't need a coat, I'm good." And God was like "But it gets cold at night, c'mon, wear a coat." And the tiger was like "No, I don't want to wear a coat; you can't make me." Then God was like "OK, have it your way." Then the tiger got down to Earth and found out that God was right - it was cold. Some of the tigers pleaded with God to give them coats, and God was nice enough to do it. And these tigers became lions. But, there were some tigers that were too proud to ask God, and they remained tigers. This made the lions proud, and that's why a group of them are called a Pride. A group of tigers is called a bunch of whiny jerks. *The Beaver* The beaver is a builder. No one is sure how the beaver learned to build, but he builds all day long. Sure, he'll stop to get a coffee and a doughnut, and later have a sandwich, but the rest of the day he's building and bitching about the union. The Beaver Union. They are a million strong and they will shut down a dam in an instant if they don't get paid. The thing is, they are paid in wood, so no one really cares and they really don't need the union. But they are proud of it. *The Lion* The kindly lion is possibly the most important animal in the jungle. This is because he is at the top of the food chain. That means the lion can eat anything. So, if you are at a restaurant, he totally doesn't care what he has. He'll just say "Whatever." Therefore, everyone wants to have dinner with him because he doesn't take nine years to order. That is why he is the most important animal.