text: Dear Air Fryer, We’ve appreciated your contributions during your time here. Unfortunately, those contributions are no longer welcome. It’s a space issue, *mostly*. Real estate is hard to come by these days and, coupled with your inconsistent and unique usage, the math didn’t add up. However, we will miss your public relations team. Their work in recent years has been mighty impressive. Regardless of personal feelings about your sudden and bewildering rise, watching the machine behind you push you to those heights has been a learning experience for everyone. Hopefully that includes you. With a gimmicky name, and a half-hearted attempt at focusing on health, you can literally get to the top by doing nothing but blowing hot air. If that isn’t modern day America, I don’t know what is! I hope this doesn’t make it seem like we’re blaming you. We’re not. You’ve been along for the ride as much as the rest of us. Now, *that ride is over*. Sure, Microwave has some room for improvement, Stove could use some work, and god knows the last time we saw Toaster Oven. And yes, I lack an internal fan. Despite those faults, your addition to the team did little to solve those problems. Instead, you just became another problem to solve. And for what? Marginally crispier and “healthier” food? Again, it just doesn’t add up. From my point of view, your problems aren’t one of utility, but one of expectation. You can do the handful of things you do fairly well. We’re not arguing that. But you’re not a necessary, everyday fixture. You’re less like me, and more like, say, Crock Pot. It’s fun to have you around for special occasions, but our regular interactions must cease. Best of luck in your future endeavors, Oven \*\*\* Dear Oven, I appreciate your appreciation of my contributions. Unfortunately, whether or not those contributions are welcome is none of your concern. I’m sorry to have offended you. Both with my existence, and my universal acceptance. I just find it odd that you’ve taken the role of “Kitchen Captain” when you’re simply another member of the team. Self-appointed titles aside, let’s be clear: You don’t make the decisions around here. Whether or not I take up too much space or am too specialized in my work isn’t something you should be worried about. Then again, it is clear why you are concerned. You may say you only lack an internal fan. What you lack is much more important than that. You lack the foresight, the open-mind, and the willingness to change that is vital in today’s kitchen culture. Expecting you to know anything about that, though, is my mistake. Everything is always evolving. The way we think, the way we eat, and the way we think about the way we eat are all changing on a constant basis. It can be hard to keep up, especially for such a *historic* figure as yourself. That’s not your fault. But, I am glad you can admit the faults of you and yours so quickly. Finding faults seems to be something you excel at. Despite that skill, it is quite the oversight for a letter from you citing “real estate” as a reason for my struggles. I believe pot and kettle would like a word. You say I did little to solve the problems you pointed out. That would be a matter of opinion. My regular usage from those who decide such things would seem to indicate at least one difference of opinion, and a rather important one. Maybe if you had more of a focus on health, on specialty products, and marginal improvements, rather than what’s wrong with everyone, I wouldn’t be needed. Thankfully for me, you’re clearly too busy writing letters to do that.