text: Everyone has their perception on beauty. Some think of it as physical attractions, some think of it as mental attractions and then there is me. The one who thinks of it as the nature of the heart. You never find that special someone by just letting your eyes fall on the first human that walk by. Particularly if she is flawless. Yes, her outer beauty deserves a ten out of ten but what exactly is she like? Miles prefers to know someone first. The connection that is built between two people is what makes something special but the society that he lives in does not believe in that. Not anymore. They say that you are living in a fairy tale if you think about happy endings but what if a fairy tale was meant for him? Is he not built with certain standards? Respect? Dignity? Loyalty? Why should society choose for him? Why should society make him turn a blind eye from something that he believes in? His brother, Nick Pearson, was one of those society people. He made everything look so easy. Nick's girlfriend, Jessica, would spend the weekends in our home and they would both be locked up all day and night in Nick's bedroom. When they finally emerged and Jessica left for home, Nick would sit on the porch or on a chair by the shore with a cigarette and a bottle of alcohol. Their parents are busy business people whose work requires travelling to different countries and attending seminars. Nick was practically the guy who would strike up a conversation with random strangers over a card game and suddenly they are all over the place. The fridge is stocked with so many alcoholic drinks even his yogurt felt like an outcast. Their parents are unaware of his drinking problem and Miles was pretty sure by the time they were back before the summer is over, Nick will look like the golden scholar boy that he is meant to be. Except, Miles is the scholar one. He has the brains and Nick gets the girls. Society at its finest. "You're always writing in that stupid little book of yours," Nick said as he walked in front of Miles, kicking sand into the air. He took a comfortable seat in the chair next to his younger brother. Dark shades covering his eyes was typically a sign that he was still sobering up from the night before, "What do you write, anyway?" He turned to face his little brother. The shades were also another phrase for 'I don't care.' "You know what, don't even bother. It's probably childish writing anyways. No good to my eyes." Miles remained silent. He always carried his black and silver notebook and a pen in hand or a novel which he bought at the bookstore a few days ago. Miles was not the typical eighteen-year-old boy who goes to all the weekend parties and hook up with random girls - or boys - for the weekend. Instead, he spends his time writing or walking along the shoreline since he practically lives on the beach. The Pearson's summer home is richly built near the shore with its magnificent structure, white paint that matches the purity of the ocean and blue for the stability and faith. "Are you okay?" Miles asked, "You're outside on the beach without a bottle of stupid in your hand." His sarcastic attitude always left his older brother furious because they are not usually on the same level of understanding and relationship. Nick winced with disgust, "Why aren't you out somewhere along the far end of the beach with a friend?" He paused, "Oh wait, I forgot. You don't have any." This was not the truth. Miles had a lot of friends but spending the summer in the family beach house takes him far away from them. "I'm stuck in this hell alone with you for the summer, a million miles away from our city home. What else do you expect me to do?" "We're not a million miles away from home. Stop exaggerating, idiot," Nick finally removed his shades and he stared at the ocean spread out before him. His blue eyes always reminded Miles of what perfection is. Having a brother with attractive blue eyes and blonde hair always bothered Miles a bit. "Why couldn't I have stunning eyes and blonde colour hair like Nick?" he thought, "He's always outstanding because of it and I'm just here with my black hair and brown eyes that goes unnoticed. Nick always gets the girls" Nick once took a sneak peek at his brother's journal when they were younger and Nick would torture Miles because of it. "What's up with your eye?" Miles was actually concerned now that he saw his brother's eye was a collage of blue, black and purple. "Got into a fight last night," he answered emotionless. Miles searched his face for a long time, unclear of what to say next, "It looks good on you," he turned his attention back to his notebook. Nick glared at him, his face twisting into disgust, "You're unbelievable. No wonder you don't have a girlfriend." Miles remained silent. He kept his eyes on his notebook. Nick was studying him for a little while. "I know I can be an ass to you but I am your big brother. You can talk to me." Miles still remained silent. Unmoving. Nick sighed in frustration and placed the sunglasses over his eyes, his arms outstretched behind his head. Miles still said nothing, "I know about you and Kyle" Miles shot a quick, terrified glance at Nick who was not looking at him. Instead, his eyes were probably closed. Nick knew. How? Miles managed to say after stumbling for words, "What are you talking about?" Nick just exhaled, "You and Kyle," he said in an obvious manner, "Other than the fact that I read your journal a few weeks ago, I always saw the way you looked at him when he came over. Or the way he spoke to you as if you were some delicate flower that needed protecting." He paused, still looking at the sky, "Also, why would any of my friends - who are older than you - show any interest in you? It must mean something. Especially if it's just one friend." Miles was breathing heavily, his heart pounding in his chest, heat rising inside of him, turning his face red. Nick sat up from his seat and looked at his horrified brother, "Please don't get any panic attacks now. Mom and dad will kill me." Miles ignored him. The boy was terrified. His world came crashing down. The blue skies breaking into tiny pieces and falling to the floor, leaving open darkness above. The ground caving beneath his feet and everything in between was like a hurricane. "Miles?" Nick said his name in concern, pulling the glasses off, "Miles!" Miles was having a full-blown panic attack. Nick rushed to his brother's side. Panic rising inside of him, "Miles! Come on, breathe," he was terrified as he held his baby brother. Miles clutched at his own throat, trying his best to breathe but it was all too much. Nick tried to hold him but instead, he slid to the ground. Nick went down with him, trying his best to calm his brother but nothing seemed to be helping. "I'm sorry, okay," Nick pleaded, "I should not have sprung that on you. Please don't do this to me. Not here. Not now. Come on Miles." The last time Miles had a panic attack was about eight months ago when his brother had a party at their home after their exams were over before they were headed off to college. Miles was, indirectly, invited. He thought he would have been okay with a party since he never hosted one and what better way to experience one where you didn't have to pay a fee? The house was overly crowded and while forcing his way through the crowd around the house, ensuring that everything was in order, nothing broken, the crowd was so tight that the frustration and lack of oxygen took a toll on him. He panicked and uncontrollably grabbed on to someone who shrugged him off in disgust, causing him to fall to the floor, gasping for air. The people around became concerned and in an instant, the news travelled throughout the room, a large empty circle formed around Miles, with him being at the centre. Nick appeared in the emptiness, horrified at what had happened to his brother. He tried his best to help him to get his breathing under control and luckily, someone called an ambulance under Nick's order, which arrived in a very short time. Nick notified their parents and they met Nick at the hospital where the doctor declared that Miles would be okay. Miles looked up at the blue sky now, his hand still clutching at his throat, trying his best to get his breathing under control. He knew from experience that staying calm and breathing is easier said than done. It was much more difficult than that. The feeling that your throat is closing in as you struggle to breathe, is painful and nerve-wrecking. In those moments, the thought that this might be your end flashes across your mind and you wonder if it really is. The hands of hope, regret and pain all grabbing at your throat and sometimes, just sometimes, you slip into unconsciousness. "Is he okay?" a girl asked. Nick did not look away from his brother, panic rising inside of him, "He's having a panic attack." The girl slid to her knees opposite the blonde brother, taking Miles' hand in hers, "Hey there -" "Miles," Nick said. The girl continued, "Miles." He opened his eyes at the strange voice. The girl was looking down at him. Her black hair was open, hanging from her head. Her eyes, though dark, looked at him with colour, "You're okay, Miles. Look at me and follow my breathing, okay?" Her voice was so soft and kind, "Deep inhale," and she motioned for him to follow, "Exhale." After a few seconds, he willed himself to follow her. Inhale. Exhale. He followed her pattern for about thirty seconds and by then, his heart slowed and his breathing levelled off. Miles was okay. The fresh sea breeze filled his lungs, sending a feeling of euphoria through his body. Nick exhaled a sigh of relief and he thanked the girl one too many times. The girl smiled at Miles and helped him into a sitting position, dusting off the sand from his tee. Miles glanced at her for a few seconds, avoiding her eyes, and managed a smile, "Thank you." The girl smiled back, "Are you feeling better?" Miles nodded, "Good. You scared your brother to death here." Miles forced a glance at Nick who looked awfully pale under the burning sun. The night of the party came rushing back to him. The way his brother looked, it was as if all the blood drained from his face and he could not stop thinking that it was all his fault. That he was the reason for crashing his brother's party. That he was the reason Nick got into so much trouble with their parents and was grounded for two months. That he was the reason for his brother to hate him so much, for Nick to be so bitter towards him. Miles thought he was the reason why everything felt like it was falling apart in his life. "I'm okay," he finally managed, "Thank you," he cleared his throat. Within the confines of the beach, swallowing sand is expected. Miles got to his feet, dusting the sand off arms. He bashfully looked at the girl in front of him, smiled and then turned to the house and walked away, leaving Nick and the girl watching after him.