text: As I walk down the crowded halls of East Ridge High School, I think about how my life has changed in the past two years. But do you want to know something? Everything still feels and looks the same: It’s still the same old rusty sky blue lockers, with shiny silver padlocks; it’s still the same hideous Panther, leaping for a checkered flag. It’s the same stale air; it’s still the same loathsome teenagers that roam the crowded halls. It still the same judgmental and pity stares from people who know nothing about me or my situation. I think the actual change is me. The funny thing is that I am still the same old girl with waist-length strawberry blonde hair with icy blue eyes. I am still the same old teenage girl who wears large sweatshirts (the number of sweatshirts I have should be illegal) that have weird quotes on them and shorts. I think what changed is my mentality, my personality, and my perspective about a lot of things. Outwardly I am still the same: I still have the same hair colour, eye colour, skin colour, height but Inwardly I am so different, it’s such a stark contrast that I don’t know who I am anymore. I am a shell of who I used to be, I am not that strong ‘confident’ girl anymore, I am not on cloud nine anymore, I don’t have a plan, I don’t have a direction. I am lost. I have lost so much that I am left with nothing. I lost myself, my identity, my being, my existence. I feel alone, I feel helpless, I feel ineffectual, I fell used, and it’s all because of... Oomph! I think I just ran into a wall. Fantastic! Can’t you just smell the sarcasm? I can imagine the bruise on my ass. Oh! It’s my lucky day! I repeat, can’t you just smell the sarcasm? “You have got to be kidding me!” I groaned. “I am so so so sorry, I wasn’t looking at where I was going, Are you okay? Wait! Let me help you up.” The wall spoke. Hold on! Stop! Wait, a minute! The wall spoke! I don’t recall when walls could talk. Maybe I smacked my head, and I didn’t notice or maybe landing on my ass caused some shock waves to be sent to my brain causing me to hear voices or maybe I have schizophrenia and the voices are calling me or maybe I am just insane. You know what? I think am going to go with the latter option; it sounds like the most sensible choice. “Hey, you okay?” the voice spoke. As I peered up to figure out what the hell was going on, I wished I didn’t. I wished I never even showed up to school. Heck! I wished I never woke up this morning. As I looked up at the ‘wall’ I meet nothing else but the eyes of the devil. I discover the familiar pair of piercing sea-green eyes that have hunted my dreams for the past two years. I find the eyes of Luca Giovanni Valentino. “Nevaeh” Lucca whispers. The way my name flows out of his mouth, like a starved man who has gotten what he craves. The intensity of his sea-green eyes as they gawk at my face leaves me exposed. The way he is staring at me like he was struggling to believe it was me. The way he is nibbling on his bottom lip, something he does every time he is trying to figure something out makes me paralyzed. I was defenceless; I was vulnerable, and I was staring. I could do nothing but stare. Stare at what used to cause all my happiness, stare at what used to be my entire world. Stare at the man that brought me to my knees and left me there begging. Stare at the man who made me fall hard, but did not catch me. Stare at Lucca Giovanni Valentino; the demon that haunts my nightmares, the gatekeeper to my hell. “Luca” I murmur back as I continue to stare at what stripped me of my dignity and power. Do you want to know something? He still looks the same, it’s the same silky soft, messy, dirty blond hair, the one I used to love running my hand through when he was placing soft kisses on my neck. He still has those stubble cheeks, the one I used to feel prickling my cheeks when I used to lie on his chest at night as we spoke about the future. It’s still the same bulging biceps that I used to bite when he sent me to the stars. I let out an almost inaudible whimper, tears cloud my vision, all the memories I tried to bury deep down were coming back, tormenting me, robbing me of the little control that I had. “Hermosa, My Love, I can’t believe you are here.” The way he watches me with that childlike excitement baffles me. “Oh, shoot! Let me help you up,” As he reaches over to grab my hand, I flinch away. A string of emotions passes through his eyes. Shock, Hurt, Guilt, and Regret, If I wasn’t staring intently; I would have missed it. “Now am your Hermosa, NOW am your love!” I hiss as I push myself off the ground. “L-l-let me...” “Shut Up! Shut Up!” I yell back as the tears, that I was trying to hold back, flowed. “Shut Up! Your bloody mouth you Bastard. You have no right to talk to me, to look at me. I hate you, I hate you so much Luca,” I yell. “I hate you, I hate you so much! You ruined me, Luca! You ruined me. Do you know that? Huh? Why do you insist on torturing me by telling me all those stuff?” I hiss as loud sobs rip through me. I look at the floor for I could no longer stare at the eyes of my lover. I didn’t know what to do; I didn’t know what to say; I didn’t know how to feel. I was so helpless and truth be told; I was at his mercy. “Nevaeh, I will never try to torture you, I never meant to hurt you. I love you so much” I stare at him wide-eyed. I was speechless, I couldn't believe what I was hearing, maybe I was going crazy. Was I supposed to believe that, after everything, he put me through? Luca was staring at me pleadingly, willing me to believe what he was saying. I kept quiet. Despite my silence, Luca continued talking. "You have always been my love, my deepest Tesoro, ti amo tanto. Don’t you remember? Did I not make you a promise? I told you, you will always be the most important person in my life and that I would tell you that forever” “Mi Amore, are you okay?” Luca asked as he embraces me in his arms. “Yeah, am Okay don’t worry about it,” I said as I tried to release myself from the tight embrace he had me in. “Don’t lie to me. You know I hate it when you lie to me. What’s wrong? Why are you crying?” he looked at me sharply, daring me to tell him anything but the truth. “I-I” I stuttered. I didn’t know how to tell him how I felt: I feared his reaction. “What’s it? You know you can tell me anything?” I looked away from his piercing green eyes that were solely focused on me. “Do you love me?” I asked as I look up at him. “What?” he asked incredulously. “Do you love me?” I repeat. He stared at me for a few seconds. Those few seconds were the most terrifying moment of my life. Thoughts raced through my mind ‘what if he was looking for a suitable way to reject me’ ‘What if all of this is a lie?’. Luca’s silence was doing nothing but make me feel worse than I already did. His silence caused my eyes to glaze over with unwanted tears. I looked away before he notices them. “Cara, look at me” I look up to stare at the familiar pair of sea-green eyes that have taken me to the stars. The eyes of the man I love so much. “How could you ask me that question? Do I love you? Have I not shown you? With my kisses, my hugs, my hands, my heart-our nights together. Don’t you feel my love then?” I stared wide-eyed. I was dumbstruck and speechless. What do I say to that? “Neveah, you will always be My Love, the most special person to me, Mio Tesoro piu profondo, ti amo tanto, Sempre and I would tell you that forever” Another powerful sob rips through me, I can’t do it: his presence is making me feel things I buried away two years ago. I hyperventilate, I couldn’t breathe, I could sense a panic attack coming. Luca seems to notice my discomfort and tries to touch me again, but I slap his palms away. “Don’t touch me!” I screech. He looked startled at my sudden outburst; I used that moment of weakness to my advantage and ran. I ran away because I knew that if he touched me, I would be at his mercy. I will fall for his tender words and subtle caress. I was struggling to remain strong; I was clinging on to the glimmer of hope that allows me to believe that I could walk out of this with my head held high; that I would come out stronger for the fire I am standing in wouldn’t leave scars. But I knew that was a lie, I knew it was my mind trying to console me. There was no way I was getting out of this unmarked, I was in too deep and there was no way I could escape. I ran into the ladies’ restroom and locked the door; I looked through all the stalls to make sure no one was present to witness my meltdown. I leaned on the sink to catch my breath, my hands fisted the marble countertop tightly until they turned white. I didn’t care. I look at the mirror and studied my reflection. I looked like a mess: my hair looked like a bird’s nest from the multiple times I ran my hands through it. My clothes looked dishevelled from my fall, my eyes, the icy blue eyes I loved to admire, looked dull, almost lifeless. They revealed how I felt. They showed helplessness. I felt helpless. Luca had this incomprehensible power over me. He controlled my thoughts, my emotions, my choices, me and he did it with immense joy. I remember one night when we laid in bed together; he was pestering me to do the deed with him. I felt strangely uncomfortable why he wanted it so badly. I remember myself asking, why? When you give me that control and you let go, you unravel for me and like a beautiful flower I watch all your petals fall away. You give me that moment to steal you away from yourself, from all your ambitions, goals and even your demons, and for those few, sweet moments of whatever I want to do to you. I own you. You are mine. Hermosa that is power. It’s scary, but it just makes me love you more and more... I knew that loving him was terrifying, for him to have that much power over me, it terrified me. He could either make me happy or rip me to shreds. I thought with the power Luca possessed over me, he would use it to make me happy, use it to build me until I appear a Phoenix, reborn. What I didn’t know was that it was me giving him the right to destroy me. “Say yes Hermosa,” I said yes. I said yes to the devil; yes to selling my soul to a man. Yes, to allow someone to have power over me. Yes, to be someone’s possession. I said yes to nightmares. Yes to betrayal; yes to heartbreak; I said yes to death. I fell onto the ground and sobbed, hugging my knees to my chest. I could no longer keep myself up and going.