text: Don't allow yourself to be fooled as I did. It was 2:15 in the morning, and school was shortly after sunrise. My eyes were heavy, and I was excited for bed. This was a rare. Do my crippling anxiety I spend most days dreading for that dark hour, where my eyes cant keep me distracted, and my mind tells me all those secret thoughts I'm sure they think of me. Now I'm a man of small stature. It's been a staple of my insecurities for quite sometime now, and with the new year taking its leave, I was determined to change that. "You must eat before you rest" my loving side said to me. I know he means well. But it's so much easier to let my eyes close and rest while my hateful side is to tired to whisper. Remembering my pact to 2019, and hoping it will keep me faithful in the long run. I did as I was told and got up to prepare a meal. "Shoot!" I remember saying to myself. The cold blue light of my miniature apartment sized fridge lit nothing but a cold fog where its barren compartments met the hot summer air. my un-cooled kitchen giving life to the fridges breath. It was a week and a half into the pay period, and I was left with one bottle of mustard, a jar of pickle juice, and a pack of hotdogs I have in there for a friend. I hate hot dogs. With no food at home, and no money for a real meal, I begin looking elsewhere. "I should have enough for a mcdouble" I though to myself, reaching for my phone to check my bank account. Without breaking my chain of thought, scanned for options. "If I spend 2 dollars on food tonight, that leaves me with 5.25 for gas. I could drive 2 days and walk 2 days, which could get me through to pay day" I grabbed my keys and started toward the door. "Nuts"! I exclaimed. This time out loud, but softly, I didn't want to wake the neighbors. "Does McDonalds close?" I pulled out my phone once more, typing quickly so I dont have time to talk myself all the way back into bed. "Open 24 hours" Google said, and with that I headed off. It was a mostly uneventful drive there, only a few miles. I was happy to be in ac again. "All my money going Into this car, it's the least it could do" I thought. I put on a podcast in Hope's that my mind wouldn't wonder to far, and made my way there. When I got there it seemed quite dark for a place that was supposed to be open. Quickly I realized it indeed wasn't, upon that realization I let out a guttural "aggahhh" in an attempt to exhale even a fraction of my torment. This was not successful. I didn't have time to go somewhere else. Like I mentioned before school was coming quite quickly, and I need a chance to breath before it caught up. I went home hungry, tired, and more defeated than when I left. "Oh God someone had to have seen you, idiot" he whispered over and over again until the words found a rythem I could focus on, acting like a delusional pocket watch swinging me to sleep.