text: His head struck the wall repeatedly. *Thud. Thud. Thud*. A U2-esque song rattled through the tinny handset speaker and enveloped his every thought. He’d say that this was the worst experience he’d ever had on the phone, but Mark never had a good experience to compare it to - he *loathed* talking on the phone. The fact that this was a call to his Internet provider was just the cherry on the icing. Why did these call centres even bother playing music? *Probably to get rid of the callers*, Mark suggested to himself. *It’s not in their best interests to speak to me - that’s how they lose money*. At this stage, Mark's paranoia was growing worse with each of Bono's verses - it was a welcome relief to his nerves when the music finally stopped. “Hell-lo you’re through to the customer retention department mynameisAshleyhowcanIhelp?” uttered a young-sounding woman in a tone that could only be described as “tired of this crap”. “I... I... uh” began Mark, who could now only remember bono’s tinny voice - perhaps *this* was the purpose of the music. “I’d like to cancel?” he *asked*, for reasons unbeknownst to him. Now it was time for Ashley the call centre agent to do what she was trained to do - stand in between the way of Mark and his freedom. She struck him hard with a financial counteroffer: “Well, it’d be such a shame to see you go, I can see you’re a loyal customer...” “Was, a loyal customer” Interjected Mark - but Ashley didn't seem to hear him. “...and I’m going to cut your bill in half!” exclaimed Ashley happily, in a disarming tone not-dissimilar to a child who’s just said “I drew you a picture”. Mark's defences were collapsing rapidly, he had to maintain his composure here. “Thank you” he said “but I’m no longer in need of your services, so if you could please just cut me off before the next bill comes around, that’d be fantastic, Ashley.” There was a brief pause in the air where Mark was worried he’d legitimately hurt Ashley’s feelings, but little did he know, Ashley was about to hurt his feelings: “I understand sir,” she began “I'm just going to put you on hold for a moment.” Bono’s voice chimed in once again. Calmly putting down the phone and gently placing it on the hook, Mark realised that he’d learnt a very important lesson today: he’d happily pay the broadband fee every month, just for the privilege of not having call the company ever again.