text: One thing no one is scared of on Halloween, but should be, is drugs. Typically, kids will shoot up their alcohol and smoke their Quaaludes on Halloween and go around playing their hip hop music super loud. If you think goblins are scary, try walking the streets of New York on Halloween and seeing a gang of Vicodin fiends bearing down on you. That's why, if you want to really scare someone this Halloween, ask them for drugs. "Got any drugs?" "Yeah, here you go." "Cool." Then go smoke your drugs and pretend that you were just trying to scare people when in fact you were trying to get high. Joke's on them! *Goblins* Goblins are little monsters that hang outside of supermarkets around March and try to sell you cookies. You'll be walking in to buy a Tostino's pizza and there will be two at the front doors of the supermarket. You'll walk to the other entrance and they'll be more. So, then you kinda try to walk behind someone into the supermarket and you think you made it. You buy your pizza and then come back out, forgetting about the goblins, and they will assault you with cookies to buy. And you're always scared out of your mind by the goblins, so you buy those crappy caramel and coconut ones and be totally pissed. I hate Goblins. *Ghosts* Ghosts are probably the most popular things to scare humans on Halloween. It's like ghosts, venereal disease, and calling Comcast. Those are the three most popular Halloween costumes according to Forbes. And it's no wonder - a ghost is a dead person that comes back from the land of the dead simply to fuck with you. Most ghosts, in fact all ghosts, in real life (the ones reported) rarely kill anyone. They just kinda turn your lights off and on and make noises. Hardly scary. I really think we need to give venereal disease more PR on Halloween. That's actually scary. Especially the ax wielding venereal disease - that shit is spooky. *Meteors* A lot of people get comets and meteors mixed up, but they are totally different: comets will incinerate everyone before crashing into the Earth and ejecting most of the Earth out into space as everyone dies in lava and fire, BUT then its inner core will blow dry ice all over the place and everything will look frozen and cool but no one will be alive to see it; meteors don't do the last part. I don't even know if comets do the last part. Or the first part. But I'm pretty sure everyone dies either way. What would be cool is if a meteor hit a comet that was about to hit Earth and then everyone is like "The meteor saved Earth!" And then everyone feels bad that they kept thinking a meteor would eventually kill Earth. The meteor just wanted to help Earth. Then the meteor starts thinking about it and gets mad and turns around and hits Earth. *Volcanoes* K, so you're looking - go look at a mountain. Then think about it just going tits up. Like the entire side of it blows out and fires its lava and mountain parts all over the place. Then think about the children. Then think about your mother. Then think about how they are all in flames and have pieces of mountain hitting them in the face. They try to run away from the fire, but they are getting hit right and left by topsoil and squirrels and granola bar wrappers and those park signs that tell you about the flora and fauna...that's a volcano. *Nuclear War* There is nothing scarier than nuclear war. Basically, what happens in a nuclear war is Russia and the United States fire nuclear missiles at each other until everyone in the world dies. It sounds funny when you actually write it out, but that is the basic premise. When you really think about it, it's about two nations that just kinda say "The hell with this!" and then blow up the world. Which, I understand. Everyone has a bad day, but everyone doesn't have a bunch of nuclear weapons laying around. Like, this one time I got in a fight with a coworker and was totally mad all day and wanted to kill the entire world - luckily for everyone in the entire world, I didn't have a bunch of nuclear weapons. But if I did, I would have called up Russia and said "Let's do this." That's why I'm not President. That and the math part. I think you need some basic algebra. *Aliens* K, so it's like years later and Ripley is on Earth and this big company talks her into going back to where the alien came from and she goes back with the marines and the dude from Weird Science and they all get killed except for Ripley and the girl and the robot and that one dude from Terminator. But the girl and the robot end up dying later on. Also, Ripley. OK, this movie is basically pointless. Everyone dies. Yet, they made like nine more. *Dirty Bombs* I don't know a lot about nuclear stuff, but I do know that dirty bombs are bad. You basically take a bunch of nuclear waste and you fling it at someone, and then you yell "Dirty Bombs, Ahoy!" *ISIS* When was the first time we heard about ISIS? Was it a couple of years ago? Months? No. Back in the 90s. ISIS, Baby was a hit song by Gangster Rapper, Vanilla Ice. His thick riffs on urban life and street hustling spawned a religious cult that can be seen today enjoying the beauty and everlasting wealth of Iraq and Syria. Look at the high top fades on those militia men - that's pure Ice. They just want fat beats and fatter butts, I don't know what the fuss is about. Anyway, Vanilla Ice also killed Ice Cube and projected his spirit into him. Oh, plus Ice T is a deep cover businessman from an Ad Firm that gave way to the docudrama, Mad Men. MC Hammer was the inspiration for the song Purple Rain. Also, EPMD stands for Every Person Must Die. LL Cool J was actually a dinosaur. The list goes on. Point is - the entire rap industry is a conspiracy. *Ebola* For years, the government has been preparing the public for this disease with zombie movies. Think about it. I mean, really, think about it: zombie movies. Anyway, the time has come and the dead are walking the Earth and flying around on airplanes and so forth. It doesn't take a dead nurse to let you know that you probably have Ebola right now. Like you're sitting there and thinking you're just fine, but meanwhile, you feel an itch in your eye and you draw blood. Then you eat your neighbor. But it turns out you were just on drugs the whole time. So, like I said, Drugs are totally underrated when it comes to Halloween. Oh, and isn't it weird that that dude in Aliens ended up getting saved by a robot, considering he was totally trying to kill robots in Terminator? That in itself should speak volumes to the rap conspiracy. Plus I need to learn Algebra.