text: \[SP\] Below is my experimental, absurdist, speculative fiction style short story. Enjoy! &#x200B; Philip sat at his desk, head in his hands. How was he to halve the cost of pet food- they were already using parts of animals that were barely considered edible by any standard. It would not take long before household cats and dogs turn up their noses and refuse to eat Furry Friend's Delight. With shaking hands he reached for his tablets in his pocket. Swallowing a single pill, Philip sat back and tried to decipher a solution. He was the CEO, he had to come up with the next big product in pet food or someone else would be elected from the board in the coming meeting. The clock was ticking. Philips heart began to beat irregularly. His mouth began to dry up and he knocked his glass of water as he tried to grab it. Not again, he thought, staring at the door to his office. I just need more time. A knock jolted Philip upright in his chair and before he could clear his throat, three animals walked into the room. One was a dog- a pug to be exact- standing five feet tall. To the Pugs left was a tabby cat with an enormous belly. Standing at four feet tall, the cat was round and had freshly licked fur sticking up across its body. The cats eyes were crossed and it had its tongue hanging out the side of its mouth. The last of the trio was a rabbit, its ears hidden beneath a rasta beanie. The rabbit was rolling what looked to be a cigarette but with lettuce rather than paper. Tilting its shades down, the rabbit began to speak in a deep foreign accent. "Philip, my man, long time no see." Philip began to stutter as the three animals found their way to the chairs opposite his. The rabbit kicked one hairy foot onto his desk and took a nibble of its lettuce. "How's the wife and kids?" "You- you're not real," muttered Philip with twitching lips. "That's no way to greet your long term customers," barked the dog. One of the cat's eyes fixated on a fly that buzzed around the room. Philip's blabbering was interrupted by the rabbit ashing his lettuce cigarette in the ashtray on the desk. "We're getting a lot of complaints, Philip," stated the rabbit in a monotone voice. "I've heard reports of fake plants being used in rabbit food across the country. Now, you wouldn't be the one responsible for that, would you?" "Yea your dog food taste like garbage- and not the good kind," growled the dog. Philip revealed a handkerchief and dabbed at his forehead. "Your concerns are valid and I hear them," rehearsed Philip as he tried to avoid eye contact with the creatures that sat before him. "As a matter of fact, I'm working on a new recipe now." Suddenly the cat pounced in the air and landed on the desk, knocking piles of paper and cups of pens. The other animals did not seem to notice. "You were saying?" questioned the rabbit. Philip tried to ignore the cat as it jumped from the desk, against the wall to a bookshelf, following the fly and creating a path of destruction in its wake. Raising his voice over the sound of ornaments shattering against the ground, Philip continued. "Yes, the new recipe. We're developing this new technique of extracting-" The cat leaped from the bookshelf, leaving it to crash to the floor. "What does it taste like? asked the dog, with its tongue hanging out its mouth and its tail wagging. Philip reached for a can in his bottom draw, ducking just in time to miss the cat cannonball overhead, chasing the fly. He put the can on his desk and admired the label. This was to be their new premium range. "I'm not sure what it taste like. I'm a human, I can't eat this stuff. The cat dropped from the ceiling and stared into Philip's eyes with a crazed look on its face. "We're all animals deep down," said the cat as its eyes lolled loosely in their sockets." The rabbit and the dog began to chant: "try it, try it, try it. You know it's good. Look at the label. It's the premium range." Philip could not help but let out a small laugh. Here he was trying to sell dog food and he had no idea what it taste like. He stood up and walked to his blinds to check if anyone was looking into his office. Twisting them shut slowly, he then turned and saw the cat sitting in his desk, pointing a can opener at him. "What is life but a series of experiences, new and old. Old and new. Pick up this can of dog food." The chanting began to grow in the background. Philip had to put his hand to his mouth to hide a giggle. The cat continued its song. "When you live life, do you see the can half empty or half full? Half empty or half full? Pick up this can of dog food." "Try it. Try it. Try it." chanted the dog and rabbit. "And what is life but concentrated meat stuffed in a can." The cat placed the can opener in Philip's hand, then looked deeply into his eyes. "Philip. Are you trapped in a can?" Philip burst out laughing. We're not in a can, we're in an office. "Well if you want to get out of the can, you need a can opener." The three animals instantaneously appeared in the seats in front of Philip's desk once again. The rabbit, lowered its glasses and spoke in a deep voice. "You know what to do." &#x200B; Suddenly the office door swung open and an intern walked in asking a question. She dropped her coffee and ran out of the room screaming. "Mr. Black is eating dog food!" Within ten seconds the entire office peered through the door of Philip's office, watching him eat the dog food from the can with his fingers. Chunks of meat fell from the side of his mouth as he explained the flavor to the imaginary people that sat in front of him. Those in the office with weak stomach ran to the bathroom or grabbed the nearest waste basket. Some were fixated on the sight of their boss devouring Furry Friend's Premium Dog Food. It took security ten minutes to arrive on the floor and pry the can of dog food from Mr. Black's hands and another twenty minutes before paramedics came to take him to the nearest mental ward. All throughout it, Mr. Black giggled uncontrollably, "I've never tried it. Never once. Seven years as CEO. Never tried it. Not once. Never.