text: I had my taxi drop me off at 666 Jackson Street, right at “Dr. Susannah's Museum of The Weird.” By day, it was a downtown tourist trap meant to get visitors to pretend to awe at clearly fake bigfoot prints, Fiji mermaids, and other oddities. The most real thing they had there was the taxidermized remains of a three eyed pig, although even then, the taxidermist went out of his way to make it a bit more horrifying. But by night, after closing, when the witches reclaimed their spot from the tourists, the weirdness got very real. And that’s when I popped by to make my visit. “Good evening, ladies.” I said to the three heads of the coven (Margaret, Christine, and Tina) as they sat at their table. “I must say, this city never ceases to amaze me, one of my favorite spots on the mortal plane to pay a visit.” The witches seemed surprised. “What, you didn’t think that even The Devil still needs to take a vacation every now and then?” “I’m more surprised you needed a cab to get here.” One of them said. “I didn’t need to, I wanted to.” He said. “Whenever I visit the human world, I want to make the most of it, live like a local, ‘when in Rome’ as you say. Hell gets boring after a while. Heaven is even worse, if I weren’t immortal I’d die of boredom every time I have to go there for a ‘diplomatic’ trip. You humans, on the other hand, you know how to make everything artistic and vibrant. Your lives may be short, but you’ve damn well learned to...” “Can we please get to business?” one of them asked. “Very well.” I said. “You must be Margaret. You were the one who contacted me, I believe.” “Yes, I am.” Margaret said. "And what does a group of beautiful young ladies like yourselves want with The Devil?" I asked. “We need a weapon, something that can defeat a powerful vampire.” Margaret said. “It’s a long story, but we’ve made enemies with an exceptionally powerful vampire lord, one who calls himself Lord Wallace, although he's not been 'Lord' of anything ever since he hopped on a ship to the United States. Anyway, we need something that can beat him. Could you give something like that to us?” “Wait here.” I said before vanishing back to Hell, to browse my vault. I came back a few minutes later with something I knew they’d be interested in. “11th Century Celtic vampire killing staff.” I said. “Infused with powerful magic designed to kill vampires. If anything in my collection has a chance of killing it, this does.” “Now that that’s out of the way, what would I expect in return if I loaned this to you?” I asked. “How about our souls?” Tina asked. I laughed. “I can already smell the sins on your souls, they’ll be mine eventually anyway. You’re young, so it may be a long wait, but they will be mine, and I think you already know that.” “How about this.” I said as I showed them a picture. Shelby Smith was a fifty-two year old woman who lived fairly close to the witches. For all her strong suits, attractiveness was not one of them, never was. Despite being fairly active, her lifelong love of sweets kept her quite overweight, and it didn’t help that she was too frugal to buy jewelry, makeup, or nice clothes, save for maybe a nice church outfit or two. She was a nurse by day, and a committed charity worker by night, organizing weekly luncheons for the homeless with her Bible study group. To most who knew her, she was a kind, grandmotherly figure who always had kind words and a hug for anyone who wanted one. “I want her dead.” I said. “Her infectious kindness makes it very hard to attract people in this area to sin. If you kill your vampire, then you owe me her death.” “Deal.” The three witches said in near perfect unison. "Wonderful." I said as I whipped up a contract. After they all signed, I said "Alright, now, I best be leaving." "Why, because you have important duties back in Hell?" Margaret asked. "No." I said. "Because I have a dinner reservation in fifteen minutes. One of my favorite seafood restaurants is just down the street." \_\_\_\_\_ The next day, the witches made their move against the vampire. They went to the mansion he was based out of, and used the staff’s power to break down the door. They even targeted him during the daytime, to make sure he was really home. “Wakey wakey, we’re here for you.” Margaret said. “It’s a beautiful day out, come enjoy.” The vampire said and did nothing. “Alright girls, time to find this prick.” Margaret said as she summoned a ball of fire in her hands. They didn’t find him anywhere downstairs, so they went up the stairs. And then, Christine was attacked from behind, pulled by Lord Wallace and thrown down a full flight of stairs onto a wooden floor. The other ladies could hear the sound of her neck break. Margaret then used the staff to blast lightning in his direction. Lord Wallace fled back into the shadows, and Margaret and Tina then stood back to back, eyes on a swivel and ears scanning for every little sound that could be him. Lord Wallace then reappeared as a cloud of smoke. Margaret used a wind spell to make him dissipate, and spread him so thin that it was hard for him to put himself back together. After he reappeared in his vampire form, Margaret began blasting him with fire. He keeled in pain, but then leapt out of the way and into one of the bedrooms. Tina noticed something. She said “Stop, look at that.” and pointed to a little discovery that could turn the fight in their favor. The spot where she had fired lightning had burned straight through the ceiling, and was now shining light inside. “You thinking what I’m thinking?” Tina asked. Margaret then fired another three blasts at the roof, each one made a little more light shine in. “Yeah, I think I am. Keep watch while I make it a little brighter here.” \_\_\_\_\_\_\_ After they brightened up the second floor, Margaret taunted “What are you staying inside for, the day is so nice. Oh well, time to get you out of that stuffy bedroom.” She used a wind spell to knock the door off its hinges. She and tina barged in, only to find that no one was there. What they didn’t realize was that each room on the top floor was connected, each room had a backdoor leading to one of the other rooms. But just before they realized what was going on, Tina was grabbed from behind, bit once in the neck, and then thrown out of a second story window. The window wasn’t even open, she was simply thrown with so much force that she bursted through the glass. Margaret didn’t even have to look at her to know that she was a goner. The vampire then came towards Margaret, but Margaret kept it at bay with a fire spell. She then pushed him back, into the hallway, where the light would shine on him. “What’s the problem, too bright out for you?” She asked as his skin began to burn under the intense sun. Right as she was about to win, she got cocky, and blasted the ceiling with more lightning. She thought he was too weak to fight back anymore; he wasn’t. Using the last of his strength, the vampire rushed her, and before she could back up or defend herself, he slashed her neck wide open. He succumbed to the sunlight and finally burned to a crisp moments later, but it was too late for Margaret. She then simply died of blood loss, and no spells could save her. \_\_\_\_\_\_\_ As I looked at Margaret’s dying body, I said “Oh well. I may not be getting to see Shelby Smith die, but at least I won’t have to wait any longer for your souls. I'll be seeing you again soon, in Hell, looks like your friends are already waiting for you there.” “And thank you, I think I’ll take my staff back now.” I said as I pulled it out of her hands and left to put it back in Hell’s vault.