text: Chocolate Milk Naps by Eliana Smith If Beatrice could go back and turn back time, you best believe she would. She would have started at the ripe age of 7. She would have done some things the same like staying at her Grammy's every summer, but some things differently like staying away from the older neighbor boy who knew more about life than she did at the time. She would brush her Grammy's hair more often and hold her papas hand during prayer. She would pet her now deceased dog frequently and play with her dolls only in the afternoon. She would love her mother harder and not be so harsh to her father. She would be kinder to her younger brother and hug him tighter. She would never have chosen that girl over her mother. She would have never picked up that can of alcohol and never drawn blood on purpose. She would have never said ̈i love you ̈ to that boy and never have gone to that dance. She would have done a lot of things, if Bea could have turned back time, but if she could do it all over again she would have loved herself more if anything. Bea grew up in a medium sized house on east 12th street in a small town named Rifle. The town wasn't very exciting, it's depressing, sort of if you don't make the most of it. Everyone there knew everyone even if you didn't you still knew everyone because everyone's name was always in someone's mouth that it didn't belong to. That's why the town sucked, but if you looked hard enough you could find beauty in the hidden gems, the thick forests, the beautiful creeks and rivers, the parks and street lamps at night after everyone has fallen asleep and not even a cricket dared disturb the peace. There was beauty that laid within but only if you ventured out. Bea lived at her Grammy's house in the summer. She would wake up every day at 6am and brave the cool morning air, she would exit her house and feel the crisp wind wrap around her, the breeze of sprinkler water drops coat her skin, and the dewy smell of rain that still lingered on the flowers outside of her medium sized orange house. Bea would get in the car and watch out the window as she passed dead street lamps, stray cats, morning joggers, and tired oil field workers on their way to work from Kum and Go. When she arrived at the end of the drive at her grandmothers she was pleased to see that her Grammy was waiting for her and her little brother on the sidewalk with a humongous grin and welcoming arms. Nothing would ever replace or amount up to seeing her Grammy in such a happy healthy state. Her days consisted of playing in the turtle shaped sandbox with her brother when he wasn't occupied in a wheelchair, eating ice cream and playing board games, but her favorite part was when she got to listen to her Grammy read the children's bible while her and her brother laid on the patched up couch and drank chocolate milk until their bellies filled and their consciousness floated into a deep slumber. After the day had ended and the sun set she would ride home for dinner and wait until grogginess once again took her by surprise and she drifted off to sleep, excited for the next day to come. Looking back now Bea wished as she got older she didn’t get on her phone quite as much at her Grammy's, she wished that she didn’t take advantage of chocolate milk naps and sleep all day, she wished she would have hugged her Grammy tighter and kissed her forehead longer during their farewells in the evenings, she wishes she would have told her more about her day and less about what’s going on, on the internet. Considering that her Grammy is now in her late seventies and diagnosed with dementia and in her final days, Bea wishes she would have spent more time in the gray house holding her Grammy's hand and watching the news. Bea knows she doesn’t have much time left so if she could go back in time and re-do it all she would. Bea was a straight A student throughout middle school and into high school until the second semester of her freshman year, and that is where her life began to slide down a steep hill. She fell in love with a young boy who was a grade ahead of her. They hung out every weekend, played games and watched movies together, it was a simple yet intense love, tender yet air thinning. Bea had finally found someone she called her best friend. No one tells you how earth rattling teenage love is, until you’ve lost it. She would say that it’s one of the best yet worst things that you could ever experience. After her first breakup, Bea’s world began to feel a little less bright. She knew she had always felt different than all the other children as a child, less happy and more guilty about being alive but she thought she would grow out of it. After the breakup her feelings intensified and her actions grew odd. She had lost her best friend and in place of that empty hole she replaced it with someone knew, A girl best friend. She spent every minute with her, school, the weekends, her nights, everything began to be consumed by this one girl. She began to shift her morals for this friend and her behavior differed greatly from how she normally acted before. In hopes of numbing her pain from other life challenges her friend suggested she tried other things, such as alcohol and self harm. Bea’s world lit up when she realized she could now not only numb her pain but also feel better while doing it. She chose this girl over everyone as she was the only person who made Bea feel like she was “fixed”. Soon the results of her actions stepped in and she faced the consequences of her actions around her friend. Bea and her friend were soon separated from each other and never spoke again. Bea never after picked up another bottle of alcohol as she saw what it did to her family and her mother. But some things you can’t let go of. Addiction is a disease, and not one many can control. It runs thick in your veins and clouds your vision. Bea still drew blood as an act to relieve herself from the pain she felt every day. Years went by until her mother noticed. She felt like a failure after she watched her mother collapse to the ground in tears that ran through Bea’s mind for months after. Nothing would ever replace the bond and trust that her mother once shared with her daughter before that night. Months later in February of 2023 Bea had realized that she couldn’t bare the pain any longer. That night at 11:09pm her family had gotten into a tremendous fight. One where words cut through her like a knife, and the things that were said were ones that drove you to a breaking point. Bea sprinted for an eyebrow razor knowing these were her final moments. After it was done she was tackled to the ground by her father, and 911 was called. When Bea woke up in the hospital from the tears that smothered her throat after the incident, guilt ran through her body and nausea set in. After being treated, Bea got the right help. Diagnosed with Clinical depression and Crippling anxiety, Bea felt like things made more sense. Now it’s January of 2024. Bea sits in an advanced English class writing this story for creative writing, thriving. Life is not perfect by any means. Life is not gentle, life is not kind, life is not easy, but life is beautiful. It is breathtaking and moving. Life offers so much but you must be willing to accept the challenge and explore what you are offered. Bea learned a lot in her 17 years of life. Bea saw the ups and downs, the twists and turns, the lefts and rights of life, but if Bea could go back in time and do it all over again, you best believe she would. Bea would see herself as more than an object, more than a man's woman, more than a bystander, more than a puzzle piece, more than just another person that walks the planet. If Bea could go back in time and do it all over again she would, and this time, things would be different.