text: As Colin contemplated his life, his sanity, and the nature of reality; the psychiatrist on duty exited the door. He was overheard muttering to himself by a sanguine rhododendron standing proudly in the corner of the corridor, near the blue door with the numbers 203 written in bold white letters. “Just two more years, Richard and you can retire and spend every day relaxing at the cabin with no crazy people around you at all... Just two more years”. Most people would say that a person talking about being transported to another dimension where aliens seemed to be what could only be described as an intergalactic fishing trip was pretty damn crazy, cuckoo even; but Colin was far from insane. He was in fact very lucky to be alive and no crazier than the lot of us. He was however, locked up in a psychiatric facility where he would spend at least seventy-two hours before the state had to release him. It had been a hell of a day. The day started off near perfect. The sun was shining, the alarm clock had respected his late-night binge drinking activities and surprisingly the hangover was not as bad as he thought it would be. He definitely needed some fatty fast food in his system, but other than the delicious thought of a double cheeseburger with fries and a chocolate shake rumbling through his mind; he was in near perfect form. He quickly put on some comfortable clothes, not even bothering to check himself in the mirror. He was on the prowl for sustenance and appearances did not matter. He could always shower later. He went out of the apartment, almost giddy as his mouth was watering over anticipating the sweet perfume of perfectly cut potatoes immersed in boiling oil. As he stood on the sidewalk, he made the fatal mistake of going for McDonalds. Not due to the fact that the particular restaurant in question had severe issues with the hygienic routines or anything, but because the McDonalds joint nearest to him, for today only, was part of a relaxing afternoon to some strange beings from a galaxy far away from our own. The place looked almost identical to the real one, but if Colin had not been hungover (He was not in the fine form he thought he was), he would perhaps have taken off his sunglasses as he walked up to the cashier and if he had done just that he would probably have observed that the people around him were behaving as if their humanity had been turned down by ten to twenty percent. For those among us who are quite sober, the weird conversation between a group of ladies in their late twenties seemed to be written by a computer trying it’s very best to pass off as human and it would hopefully set something off deep within our brain. You know, the part which deals with pure survival; giving us the creeps and gets us fuck off somewhere else. Amongst the other things that one could notice were that some of the patrons ate their burgers sideways, while one man sat with his mouth full of fries, staring distantly towards the entrance. Also, there was no smell in the entire place, even though burgers were sizzling, and fries were being bathed in hot oil. Colin didn’t think too much about the lack of smell in the restaurant. He was far to busy trying to decide what to get and how much of it he could chow down before slipping into blissful post meal coma. After ordering twice the amount he had planned for, he didn’t have to wait long and as he sat down, he thought to himself that he was blessed to be living in a country where fast food was not only allowed but could be found anywhere. Biting down on the burger, his taste buds cried out in surprise and agony as there was nothing to taste at all. *What the fu-?* He wasn’t able to complete the though before suddenly feeling as if he was at the dentist’s office being given a local anaesthetic. The pain was sharp and a moment later he could feel a tug before he was transported through space and time, his mind not keeping up with what was happening whilst his heart kept a steady but up-tempo beat. Falling out of the wormhole he was met with a sight that was so surreal, his mind imploded. Here were two alien creatures, covered with viridian skin, spikes and multiple eyes darting back and forth: only two of them actually looking at Colin. The air was so thick that he could not breathe and as he was unhooked by one of the creatures’ tentacles he started squirming like a maggot in heat. They had both an orifice resembling a mouth but even though it kept moving he heard absolutely nothing. He heard nothing because these creatures spoke in a frequency range much higher than the human ear can perceive. If a dog had somehow managed to get into that particular McDonalds restaurant, ordered a cheeseburger and got transported into space he could easily hear the conversation going on, even though understanding any of it was as likely as Colin understanding it having ears as finely tuned as a dog. “Oh my, this is the biggest one yet! They come in a lot of sizes and shapes, huh?” He did not know it, but Colin should have been glad he could not perceive the sounds that were being made. The language of these creatures sounded like a crow being blended in reverse mixed in with some chalk being slowly dragged against a blackboard. The other creature, let’s call him Bob, looked intently towards his fellow alien. “Yes, these carbon-based entities vary in size depending on geographic location, age, diet and genetic markers. At least, that’s what my dad told me when I was a kid. He studied a lot of alien life, but none taste as well as these biped ones. It’s kind of strange really, because other bipeds usually do nothing for me, but these are fantastic. Their skin sizzle nicely when you apply some heat to it, which gives off the loveliest aroma and when caught wild they are usually more nutritious than the farmed ones.” Steve nodded, looking back at Colin with all of his eyes. As panic fully took its dark hold of him, Colin started screaming until his vocal cords were raw and bloody. The creatures seemed to scrutinize him thoroughly and as he was put on something that could only be a weight, he saw something that made his skin crawl. At least twenty other people were lying in a glass box writhing in agony, some of them dead with vacant eyes staring into nothingness. *Why are they doing this? Do they enjoy hurting us or are they just conducting experiments? If they were scientists they’d probably just make contact with us, right? I mean, we’re a highly intelligent species with an array of impressive technologies available. I can look at porn while being underneath water for fuck’s sake! You don’t have to do this! We got Wi-fi, radar, sonar, all kinds of communication shit. Please just let me go. Please.* Colin was dumbfounded by his ability to actually construct coherent thoughts. The experience of suffocating was absolutely dreadful and even though he did not want to die, the thought of suffering through this any longer made him want nothing more than silent unconscious existence. “By the way, do you think that they can feel pain? I mean it’s opening it’s mouth and moving around a lot but is that because it’s experiencing agony right now?” Steve’s question made Bob smirk. “No, they don’t. Clearly they have a nervous system, but they are a primitive species which reacts to certain stimuli and they mostly rely on instinct from our observations. They are more evolved than other animal life on the planet, but not by much. I mean they kill each other all the time which would not make any sense if they truly experienced pain. I know that you and others can feel it so I would never think about hurting any of us. Hell, their brains only stand for 20% of the total energy consumption. That’s nothing!” He let out a bellowing laugh. Steve relaxed a little, his tentacles moving slower. “Well, that’s good to hear. I wouldn’t want them to suffer, you know. I mean, yes, of course I’d still eat them, but I’d kill them quickly like you did with the first one.” He paused for a second, reliving the moment. “Oh man, I did not like the sight of all the blood. Not at all.” The thought made him queasy again. “Yeah it’s better to let them lie down until they stop moving. No mess, no pain, no problem.” As Bob moved Colin closer to his body as to get a better look at the fattest catch yet of the day, he grimaced. “Do you smell that? It smells just as horrible as that first one we got.” Steve moved in closer before mimicking Bob’s facial expression. “I’ll taste him quickly to confirm. If he has alcohol still in his body then just throw him back out. Even if the first one died really quickly, at least this one can go back poisoning his body if it so wishes to do so.” Bob looked at him with disgust. As he felt himself slipping into the void, the world becoming darker by the second, a tongue-like protrusion suddenly swiped across his body. His mind instantly reacted, awakened a bit by the sheer absurdity. *Wait... Did that thing just lick me?* He no longer thought they were scientists, but hey, maybe alien scientists test everything with their “tongue”. A few seconds later he could see that the creature which had tasted him was flailing more than before, the mouth moving rapidly, and he was pretty sure he could see liquid coming out of some of the eyes. *Was it crying??* “Oh, he tastes like shit. Throw him back out, this is horrifying. We got more than enough for dinner, let’s get out of here before I lose my appetite.” Colin was as close to dying as he would ever be until the day he turned ninety-two and forty-four days, so he did not really understand what was happening as he was thrown through space for the second time that day. He woke up in an alley by the restaurant and his throat felt as if it was torn to pieces. For a second, he thought that he had dreamt it all, that he had ingested way more alcohol than he remembered before passing out in the alley. He had experienced wild dreams like that after drinking a lot before, so it wasn’t that farfetched, but as he coughed, drops of blood was sprayed against his fist. He quickly felt around his mouth with his tongue, his eyes widening when he located the wound where the hook had caught him. As everything rushed back into his mind, he began screaming. This time, someone heard him.