text: So there I was, stuck in the blistering heat and a sweat-soaked summer dress, standing only fifteen feet from the sweet, sweet sanctuary that was Little’s Mama’s Big Ice Cream Shoppe--the only ice cream shop is town when the small was more than half a gallon of ice cream plopped onto a skinny cone that would scream under the weight of it if it wasn’t an animate object. But alas, there I was, foiled by my own shoes. Melted into the freaking street. “I told you making your own shoes from recycled plastic was a bad idea, Pele,” My girlfriend, Bianca, called from the safety of the sidewalk with a cocky grin. “This is fine!” I lied as I tried to take a step. “Totally fine.” Bianca swayed to the side with a hand on her hip. “Just admit you were wrong and I’ll help you.” “I can handle this,” I said. The last thing I wanted was admit I made another stupid mistake and have Bianca hold over my head for the next six months. Like that time I adopted a baby crocodile, only for him to destroy all my furniture within an hour. Or that time I tried to climb a fifty foot pine tree with a Batman grappling hook I bought on EBay. Or that time I choked on the plastic ring that came from six packs after purposefully eating it to prove that sea turtles were drama queens. Or that time--you know what? I think you get the idea. “Just get your adorable ass over here before they run out of ice cream.” I gritted my teeth and yanked upward. My arms flailed as my shoe stayed firmly planted, but the momentum nearly knocked me over. “Working on it...” “Wanna hear a joke?” “Not really.” I crouched down and started untying my boots’ laces as part of Plan B. “Okay, so here it goes.” I rolled my eyes. “Why didn’t Pele cross the road?” “I don’t know.” Yes I do. “Why?” “Because her shoes were melted to the middle of the street!” Bianca bent over cackling to herself, almost earning as many weird looks by passerbys as I was. Boot One, untied. She waved her hands as she straightened up, taking deep breaths. “Okay, okay.” Bianca wheezed. “I have another one.” Halfway, through Boot Two, I said, “Go for it.” “Knock knock.” “Who’s there?” “Not Pele because she’s stuck in the middle of the street!” Somehow, she cackled even louder this time. I stared at her a little out of the corner of my eye, half expecting a witch hat to summon forth on her head to compliment her crazy witch cackle. Hands on her knees, gulping down the hot, summer air, Bianca asked, “Okay, but seriously, imma head inside because my clothes are saturated with sweat. Do you want anything?” “Freedom!” I shouted as Boot Two’s laces fell to the ground. “Oh? So you do want my help?” I grinned. “Don’t need it.” Slipping my right foot out of my boot, I waved it in the air at Bianca. She pinched her nose and gagged. “Stinks.” “You can’t even smell it from over there. Now, behold my masterful Plan B.” And like the idiot I soon realized I was, I put my right foot with its thin sock shield directly onto the pavement. The pavement that was hot enough to melt my shoes. Yeah. “ Youch !” I hollered as I brought my foot up my chest, clutching it like a badly burned baby. The bottom of the sock had completely burned through. “Got any more brilliant ideas, Pele? Or does Plan C stand for ‘Can you please help me, Bianca, because I was wrong to make my own pair of shoes without any knowledge or experience on how to make shoes?” Gently, I set my right foot on top of the abandoned boot. “ Never .” Bianca shrugged and headed inside. “Suit yourself.” With a devilish grin, she added. “I sure hope they don’t run out of Double Trouble Chocolate sundaes before you get inside.” “Bianca, no please, you know that’s my favorite,” I cried. The door ringed as it shut behind her. “Bianca!” “Great,” I muttered to myself. “Now what do I do?” My eyes widened as I spotted a car barreling towards me. “Hopefully avoid that car.” I tried to leap off the shoes, but my left foot got stuck in my boot and my right fizzled like an egg in a frying pan the moment it touched the pavement. “ Frick fracking’ fudge! ” I cursed as I stepped back onto the boots. Glancing back at the car, I gulped. Maybe a hundred feet from me now, the driver still hasn’t noticed me or slowed down. Meaning it’s either I burn the soles of my feet off or test my luck to see if I have the laden superhuman ability of durability to withstand being hit by a car. I pinched myself and yelped. Definitely not the second one. “Bianca!” I screamed as I flailed my hands in the air. “You win, okay? You were right. This was a dumb idea.” Twenty feet. “But if you don’t help me, it’ll be my last dumb idea. Bianca!” “Oh, sweet lord chocolate,” I said as I faced the car about to kill me. Suddenly, I knew what it felt like to be a deer caught in the headlights. I clasped my hands together, “Oh sweet lord chocolate and God I guess, if you can get me out of this, I swear I’ll donate to whatever deer charities there are.” I covered my eyes, not wanting to see the Death Mobile about to kill me getting closer and wanted for it to be over. Except... it wasn’t? Removing my hands, I patted down my body. It’s alive? And in one piece? My eyes darted up at the driver and I recognized that guilty smile. “Benny!” I shrieked at Bianca’s older brother. “What the frick frackin’ fudge are you doing?” “Sorry,” he mouthed. Without further explanation as to why he almost-killed me, Benny pointed over at the ice cream shop and I turned. Standing there with a Double Trouble Chocolate sundae, a mint milkshake, and the biggest sugar-packet-eating grin I’ve ever seen was Bianca. “Who was right, again?” I flushed red. And saw red. Embarrassed and angry, I yelled at Bianca, “What the frick frackin’ fudge, Bianca? You sent your brother to almost-kill me?” Benny rolled down the window and Bianca handed him the desserts. “ No , I sent him to make you think he was gonna kill you so you’d admit you were wrong. Totally different.” I rolled my eyes. “Oh, yeah, because that’s so much better.” “It’s it though?” She scooped me up in her arms, high above the burning pavement. Pouting, I crossed my arms and looked away. “Oh come on, don’t be like that. I bought you a Double Chocolate sundae, with an extra scoop.” My head snapped back to face her. A greedy smile filled my face. With a peck on her cheek, I said, “All is forgiving, my darling girlfriend.” Bianca laughed, then swooped down to kiss me. Mmmh, she tasted like chocolate. Wait a minute, she tasted like chocolate. “Did you eat some of my sundae?!” As she set me down in the backseat and took shotgun, Bianca said, “Maybe a little.” Jaw dropping, I said, “Then nothing is forgiven!!” Bianca laughed, and handed me my ice cream--with a slightly smaller extra scoop. I dug in. Alright, maybe she’s a little bit forgiven.