text: In the beginning god created the heaven and the earth. Then he said “let there be light!” And there was light. Et cetera. god created man on the sixth day. And this was good. god blew into the nostrils of dust, and created Adam. god also saw that Adam was alone, so he created a partner from Adam’s rib, and named her Eve. On the earth, Adam and Eve lived in a bountiful paradise god perfected for their birth. Verdant life burst from every inch of this garden named Eden. Amongst the green were the clusters of reds, purples, and oranges of fruits and floral arrangements, all for them. Everything was theirs. And this was good. “Everything you see in this land is free to you. All these animals are yours to domesticate, eat, and own. Every tree you see is yours, and so is the fruit those trees bear. You shall eat from any tree you see here in this garden of Eden, except the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. For if you disobey me and eat the fruit from this tree, you will die,” said god to Adam. “I have no concept of what death is,” said Adam, “ and I know not why I should fear it. However, your booming voice insinuates that it is a concept that should be feared. I am becoming self aware, and this is the first negative emotion I have ever felt, and I do not like it. I will not jeopardize my bliss further. I have an idea, father, my first idea, and it will be good,” Adam said to god. Adam found the sharpest rock, the strongest bough, and the toughest vine, and tinkered the universe’s first axe. Adam found the tree in the center of the garden with the most enticing fruit, and proceeded to chop down the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. god was perplexed, and consulted his angels. “Reverse psychology really is not all it is cracked up to be. I don’t know what to do, this was not my ultimate plan,” god said. “Is it not cruel” said an angel “to endow a creature with free will and then set traps for their failure? How could you love man and crave his downfall? Is that not sadism?” “I gave them too much free will,” said god, shaking his head. “But god,” said another angel, “without the Knowledge of Good and Evil, what will become of man?” Adam and Eve were happy. All the fruit and animals were theirs, in this endless paradise. With bellies full of fruit, they reclined in the shade. With no responsibilities, and without a care in the world, they spent their days eating, reclining, and procreating. This was good, or bad. They had no knowledge of either. This just was. Eve grew plump with children, and gave birth with ease. This irritated god. He had something else in mind for childbearing, and now, it would never be. Adam and Eve eventually put on some weight. And this was good, or bad. They had no knowledge of either. This just was. Eve routinely spouted children every 9 months, and forth from her womb they waddled into the garden. With nothing to teach, and no risk of death, these tubby spawns of man grew fat, while their intellect remained non-existent. Babies played with snakes and bunnies alike, and stripped the bushes of berries. With no incentive to leave, living only within reward, eating, and procreation, what was to prevent the incest? Or the homosexuality? god had not gotten to Leviticus yet, and this eternal Genesis was getting frustratingly weird. Babies popped from daughters and sisters as easily as they were conceived, with the ramifications equal to that of a bowel movement. The spawns from the fat, happy inbreds became more twisted of mind and body as the generations layered. And this was good, or bad.They had no knowledge of either. This just was. The garden began to suffer. All the trees and bushes were raped of their fruits quicker than this continuous spring could endow. The flowerbeds were trampled under the weight of twisted inbred feet and rampant sexual intercourse. Let me remind you, they are all still naked. Without death and without diffusion of population beyond the garden, god was at a loss for how to proceed. “With my knowledge of good and evil, I can say, confidently, this is bad,” god said, grimacing at Eden from above. “There are parasites in my paradise.” “This is unsustainable,” said an angel to god. “Literally, I have done the math. Eventually they will be forced from the garden, and roam the rest of the earth. The earth can only sustain these immortal inbreds for another few hundred years, and I don’t want to know what will become of your earth after that.” “Neither do I,” said god, with a heavy heart. And god pressed the “reset” button again.