text: Dates are hard. But they're especially hard when your date is a 95 year old man who thinks he's 30. Don't ask me why I thought it was a smart idea to join a dating site, much less accept a date from someone who has their age description set as 'probably older than you.' Yeah, now looking back I see where I messed up. And I bet you're thinking why the hell I didn't pick up the clue that the man was probably in his 50s or so. Just read the story and maybe you'll understand! ------------------------------------- Shelby stared at her reflection in the mirror, dotting on the last touches of her makeup. Just a little more mascara... She swiped up on her lashes, leaving them a nightly black. Shelby smiled, finally pleased with her appearance. Tonight would be perfect. It had been three years since her last date, back when she had been 19, young and beautiful. Too bad that one hadn't lasted long. Shelby cringed at the terrible memory, and resisted the urge to squeeze her eyes shut, for her mascara hadn't dried yet. That trainwreck of a date had been her second time. But this one would be her third. And as they say, 'third time's the charm.' Shelby grinned, positive that this date would be the one. This relationship is going to last forever! Shelby squealed in her mind, throwing herself onto her bed. Any minute now, her date would arrive. The clock that hung on Shelby's wall ticked by, the sound nailing into her brain. The night was beginning to ebb away, along with Shelby's patience. It wasn't until 12:30 am when the doorbell rang. Shelby bolted awake, and groggily stumbled to the front door, but not before briefly checking her reflection in the mirror. Her mascara had rubbed off, leaving black streaks under her eyelids. Her hair that was once in a tight bun, hung loose from her head, strands covering her face. She groaned, yet still went to the door. She twisted the doorknob, and it opened with a high pitched squeal. "Hey, hottie. Ya ready for our date?" Shelby had to stifle down a scream once she made eye contact with her 'date.' Wrinkles. There were so many wrinkles. Loose skin flapped around on her date's face and his eyes drooped in his eye sockets. Shelby swallowed her shock. "Who...who are you?!" "The name's John...or is it James? Anyways I'm your dream date honey cakes!" Shelby cringed at the man's words. There was no way on God's green earth that she was going to go on a date with that man. "Er...I'm sorry, but it's a bit late for a date right now, I mean like, nothing's open! Sorry..." Shelby began to close the door, thankful that she didn't have to go on the date. "WAIT!" The man stuck his foot in the crack of the door. Shelby huffed a frustrated breath. "What?" She tried to keep her voice calm and steady, but instead it came out shaky and rough. The man's eyes watered. "Won't ya just go on a walk with me, ma'am?" He pleaded, his voice sounding desperate. Shelby bit her lip. What could've happened to this man to make him so in need of a date? Shelby glanced at the man once more. The evil feeling of guilt formed a giant lump in Shelby's throat. This man needed a date. She could just go on the walk, and then never have to see him again... "Um... Sure, yeah, I'll go on a walk with you." The man's lips spread into a toothy grin. "Aw, thank ya, ma'am! This really makes my day!" At this this, the man held out a bony hand towards Shelby. She stared at it. Green veins the color of mold slithered down his fingers, and pruned skin drooped from the bone. The man frowned. "Well c'mon now baby girl! Take it !" Shelby gagged, but hesitantly took his hand. His skin felt like wax. The man grinned. And with a tank of his hand, he pulled her out of her house, and outside. "Where do ya wanna walk, ma'am?" The man said cheerfully. "Oh, we can just walk around my neighborhood." Shelby responded awkwardly. How could she be so stupid? She didn't even know this man's name, and now she was going on a walk with him? She was really starting to regret her decision. A tense silence weighed down the air, and Shelby often found herself rubbing her neck anxiously with her free hand. "So, umm...what do you like to do?" Shelby finally broke the silence, desperate for some conversation. The man gave her a sly grin, which only made him look constipated. "Well cutie pie, I don't think you want to know what I like to do for fun. Wouldn't want ya to be a witness if I ever gotta be on trial." Shelby raised an eyebrow. "What have you done that's so bad ?" Her date popped his knuckles, and Shelby had to choke down a laugh. He really looked pathetic. "Oh dearie, like I said, you don't wanna know." The man's voice hardened. A cold shiver fingered down Shelby's spine, but still, she decided to keep pushing. "What do you mean I don't wanna know?" She kept her voice steady, even though she was shaking inside. The man smirked. "What I mean is would you like to date a man who's a thief?" "A what?!" Shelby screamed, her face full of shock. She took a trembling step back, letting go of the man's hand. He smiled his toothy smile. "That's right, I stole bingo chips from the community centre." Bewilderment stunned Shelby. "You stole bingo chips?" She said the words slowly. He gave one of his constipated-sly grins. "Yeah, twice. And one time I stole them in broad daylight." Shelby had to laugh at that. She couldn't imagine this man, this old man that reminded her so much of a raisin, go into the community centre and take bingo chips. It was even funnier to know that he thought that was a serious crime. Laughs escaped her until she had doubled over, breathing heavily like she had just ran a marathon. The man grinned. "What, are you impressed? You scared of me?" Shelby giggled, snorts filling the spaces between them. Shelby finally pushed herself upward, and began to start her journey back to her house. "This was a lovely date, ma'am! When will I see you again?" The man called out over the hysterical sound of laughter. "Oh, I'm never going out with you again! Thanks for the laugh though!" Shelby yelled back. Happiness filled her up, like air in a balloon. That really had been the best date ever. She couldn't remember a time she had laughed that much.