text: "You know why I eat bran, Son?" "It keeps you regular?" "No. The methadone does that. I like bran because it tastes like war." "How's that, Dad?" "Emptiness. The emptiness of sitting in the jungle and staring at the sun, hoping your eyes fry out and you can go home. But you go home and there's nothing there, either. Like you went to war just to get a key to reality and the reality that's all around us is absolutely nothing." He started to cry. "Dad, it's OK." "Anyway, Happy Seventh Birthday. Here's a box WITH NOTHING IN IT!" **Hobbies** "Son, you need a hobby." "OK, Dad. What's a good hobby?" "I can't tell you that. What are you interested in?" "I like to draw pictures." "That is a stupid, stupid, stupid hobby. What else do you got?" I started to cry. "Crying should be your hobby." **The War Part 2** "Don't ask me about the war." Father sat gripping his beer and staring at Who's The Boss. "OK, Dad. I'm just going over to Kevin's." "You know I don't like talking about the war." "I know, Dad." "You know why?" "Because you forgot what war you were in?" "That's one reason. But the other - I can't talk about that." "OK, Dad." "OK, I'll tell you. I was bitten by an elephant. There. It's out there now." "Were you hurt?" "No. It kinda stung. But it didn't hurt. But that's not the bad part." "What's the bad part?" "It was a pink elephant." Then he threw a Scotch bottle at the TV and yelled "Tony Danza fucked your mother!" **Wedding** "Son, I'm so proud of you. You found a great lady. Treat her right." Then he handed me a dildo. **Chores** "Son, you are getting to be old enough to mow the lawn." I was 36. "Yeah, do you need it mowed." "That's right, son. I need you to fix the garage door, the toilet, and the beer situation as well." "Anything else?" "Wipe that smile off your face and do your chores." "OK, Dad." Then he threw pine cones at me while I mowed the lawn. **Kindergarten** "Son, it's your first day of school. I want you to make me proud." I nodded and got on the bus. I opened my lunch pail and there was a beer and half a burrito. **18** "I can't believe it. You're a man now. I want you to have this." It was a bag of screws again. "Thanks." He began tearing up. "Finally, I can charge you rent." Then he did an inspection on my room and handed me a bunch of coloring books that he called "a lease". **21** "Suppose you're going to go out drinking." "No, Dad. I have to study for finals." "Suppose I'll go out drinking for you." "Sure, Dad." "Suppose I'll blackout behind the wheel again." "Not my problem, Dad." "Suppose I'll raise your rent." "OK, where do you want to go, Dad?" "Suppose you're paying." "OK. Where?" "Suppose you'll just give me the money and study your finals." "How much?" "You're in college - how much does a gram of coke and a case of Schlitz cost?" "I have no idea." "Suppose I'll get the calculator." **The Doors** "Son, you ever heard of The Doors?" He was wearing a blindfold and was balancing a martini glass on his head while doing Jiu Jitsu. "Yes. They are pretty good." "You know, I know them." "The Doors?" "Yes. I was buddies with Jim." "Wow. You must have some pretty good stories." "Yep. One time we you know'd a circus seal." "I don't know." "You know." "No. I don't." "Fed it tacos and then watched Gilligan's Island. You know." "No, I never heard of that." "It was the 60s, Son. It was different times." **Grape Soda** "Why isn't grape soda considered a distinguished drink?" We were at the hospital. He hit another shuttle bus with his Datsun. "I don't know, Dad." "I bet if you just charged 50 bucks a glass, people would start drinking it with dinner." "You're probably right." "And why don't more drinks come in pails?" "I don't know." "Like 'Hey, waiter, get me a pail of martini'." "It's something to think about." "What about this - you serve food in toilets, flush it, and then make customers plunge it out in order to eat it." "Why would anyone want to do that?" "I don't know. I guess I'm just a dreamer." **Fences** "Those neighbors are building a fence." "Well, they've been complaining about all the Datsuns you have on the side of the yard." "There's only five." "They are under the impression that one is too much." "Fences don't build good neighbors and neighbors don't build good fences." "Well, I don't know what to tell you." "I'm going to build a fence...around my heart." Then he started crying. "Dad, don't be like that." "Get my nail gun!" **Bad Checks** "Call me the Michael Jackson of check writing, son." **Juice Box** "What do you got there?" "It's a juice box." "Where'd you get it?" "The fridge." "Are there more?" "Yeah." "Hmmmm...." "You want one?" "No. I just want to know what the situation is." **Snakes** "One thing I'm afraid of besides your mother and talking about the war are snakes." "I am too, Dad." "Did I just hear that snake say 'me three'?" "What snake?" "We both know there's a snake in the room." "There is?" "Robbie! Come out!" "Who's Robbie?" "The snake." "You have a pet snake?" "I do now." **Beating a Dead Horse** There he was, out in the yard. I don't know where he got the dead horse, but... **Monopoly** "That Bell Phone - that's a monopoly. They're gonna break it up. That's America: finds a problem and fixes it. Like this room of yours - it's full of toys. That's a monopoly. A toy monopoly. Like that game there that says Monopoly. That's a monopoly. No competition. Toys take over the room. Make their own rules. Let the fat cat toys reign in blood. Blood. All over the room. All over the toys. Anyway, love you, goodnight." **Ringo** "Guess who my favorite Beatle is?" "Ringo." "Good guess." **Playing My Records** "I don't want you and your friends playing around the den when I'm playing my records. Kapish?" "OK, Dad." "It's when I like to think." "OK, Dad." "It's when I unwind." "OK, Dad." He turned and put a record on. Then he stared at me. I walked out of the room. Then he turned the record back off. "GET IN HERE!" I ran into the den. He started the record again. This went on all night. **Cat's Cradle** "The cat's in the cradle with some silver poon, Dad just drank himself right over the moon, when I'm coming back, I don't know when, but we'll get loaded on crack and hookers again, son, we're gonna have a good time then." "Dad. It's midnight and I'm not supposed to use the Dorm phone unless it's an emergency." "We're gonna have a good time then!" **Rap Battle** "Dimmie limmie jimmie jay" "What?" "Witchy what what?" "Dad, you OK?" "Kee kay ay day" "You want me to call a cab?" "Labby rab dab." "A cab." "Labby dab rab." "Dad, your pants are wet." "Witty wet wab." "I'm gonna call a cab." "Jabby wab dab." "Do you have a credit card?" "Frrrrrrrrrresshhhhhhhh." "We're at the mall." "Fresh for 89 ya'll.