text: The coughing was deep and relentless. The huffing noises from the ventilators was hurting my head. I worked in a dermatology practice to avoid this kind of medical work. The covid ward was too much for me to handle. I wasn’t sure I could make it thru my shift. A long time ago, my granddaddy used to say something like, “the old gray mare ain’t what she used to be”. That old mare would be me right now. The noise and deaths are breaking me. I am working insane hours. It’s nine o’clock on Friday and I still have two hours left. This is my sixth straight twelve-hour shift. Even worse, the shifts alternate between day and night hours without notice. I need a good night’s sleep, without nightmares, and some regular mealtimes with nutritious food. My stomach is making weird kitten-like noises from all the coffee I’m drinking. Rates of covid are so high in my town that the nurses in my dermatology medical group are all working in the main hospital. Appointments for our regular patients are cancelled until further notice. Apparently, I missed the fine print in my employment contract that stated the hospital had “broad employment discretion” over me during a medical crisis. Covid is our current crisis. My feet ached and were sweaty and swollen. My back hurt as I leaned over to check my patient. He was an eighty-year-old man, barely conscious. I put on my best smile thru my mask and face shield and spoke softly to him. There was no reaction, but I sensed he knew I was there and caring for him. Sadly, he reminded me of my deceased dad. I had been the primary caretaker for my dad when he was diagnosed with cancer. I tried to be the best daughter that I could be, and I began to read medical journals and anything I could find online about his cancer. I discovered that I was particularly good at deciphering complicated medical information and then explaining it to my dad. I was able to help my dad thru some of his worst days. Nursing my dad thru his cancer was awful, but it inspired me to study and become a nurse. I wanted to be a nurse, but I didn’t want to work in operating rooms. I thought perhaps pediatrics or oncology might be good specialties. I loved children and I had learned a lot about oncology. Before graduation, I received an offer to work in a prestigious dermatology practice. I gladly accepted the offer complete with a sign on bonus! Now, after fifteen years in the practice, I never complained about my job. The hours and office location were perfect. I enjoyed my lowkey schedule working Mondays thru Fridays from nine to five. Most of the patients were very pleasant and reasonably healthy. This was in stark contrast to my current position. In the covid ward, the thought of tomorrow’s activities was keeping me going. I was babysitting my baby niece and nephews, ages nine and seven, for the weekend. My sister and brother-in-law were finally attending a friend’s wedding, postponed twice already due to covid. The bride’s family decided to have the ceremony and reception at a friend’s large house near the water. This meant overnight travel for my sister and brother-in-law. At this point in my life, I wasn’t sure if I was ever going to meet someone that I wanted to start a family with. For now, I loved my niece and nephews as if they were my own children. As soon as this exhausting shift was over, I would rush home and get a good nights’ sleep. Amazingly, I slept deeply for six hours. I jumped out of bed as the sun peeked thru the window blinds. The local weathercaster promised it would be a beautiful, sunny fall day. The kids and I would be able to spend lots of time playing outside in the fresh air and sunshine. I couldn’t wait for our special weekend. When I arrived at my sister’s house, she was dashing from room to room, checking the piles of kids’ clean clothing and diaper supplies. This was the first time they were leaving the baby overnight, and both seemed stressed. The baby had just turned one. To ease their worry, I reminded them that I was a nurse and they had nothing to worry about. Besides, the kids adored their only Auntie. I scooped the baby out of her playpen so my sister could gather the last of her belongings and pack the car. My brother-in-law was scoping around the outside of the house, checking that things were in order. He casually mentioned that the boys had been playing hide and seek all morning and were full of energy today. No worries, I was taking the kids to the park and spending lots of time outdoors. Forty minutes later, I was relieved when we all waved goodbye and blew kisses. The baby promptly fell asleep minutes into our ten-minute walk. We began our adventure at the playground at the local elementary school. There were kiddie swings and a huge jungle gym surrounded by a green fence. The ground was covered with protective rubber to keep everyone safe. It was a perfect place for the kids to play and for me to keep an eye on everyone. The boys had a blast climbing and jumping off all the different levels of the jungle gym. They were excited to show me how well they could go up and down the small climbing wall by themselves. Everyone was having fun and using up lots of energy. The boys asked if they could leave the park to play hide and seek. I said no, but let’s go home now, eat lunch, and continue our adventures. Back at the house, we had delicious peanut butter and jelly sandwiches with fruit. Now fully awake, the baby had cereal and sweet potatoes. After everyone made a mess at lunch, I helped everyone wash up. We all sat in the living room to watch some TV. I enjoyed being off my feet for a change. After about an hour of cartoons, I suggested we go out and play in the fenced backyard. Once outside, we blew bubbles using lots of different wands. The bubbles came out in different colors, shapes, and sizes. The kids filled up small pails and dumped water all over the yard. We were making quite a mess with water, soap bubbles, and dirt. The baby got especially grimy and needed a bath. I asked the boys to wash up and change into some dry clothes. I told them very clearly to meet me in the dining room when they were done changing. It took a while longer than expected to get the baby cleaned and dressed. She wiggled every which way, and I was not used to getting her into her diaper. Finally finished, we went downstairs to meet the boys. I called out to them, but there was no answer. Figuring they had started their game of hide and seek, I went along with it. I said loudly to the baby, “ I wonder where your brothers are?” She just looked at me. Carrying her, we walked slowly to the sofa. Except for some dust, there was no one behind or under the sofa. I continued my little game of asking the baby where are the boys? Are they behind the chair? NO! Are they in the toy chest? NO! I walked all over the first floor calling out for them, but no one answered. I went down to the basement with the baby. I flicked the switch that put on the lights. I searched behind boxes and chairs. I opened the tops of the washer and dryer, but they were empty. I found only frozen beef and chicken Inside an extra freezer. There was not a sound. There was no sign of the boys in the basement or the rest of the house. I had hoped to hear them giggling by now. Lugging the heavy baby back up the steps. I retraced my steps. I went back into each bedroom and bathroom. I opened and shut hampers, peered inside the tub, and swung open the shower stall door. I got down on the floor and looked under every bed and the crib. I checked every closet in the house. Nothing. No boys. I decided to try a different strategy. I would lure the boys with ice cream. It was their favorite dessert. I shouted, “Who wants an ice cream sundae?” And “Last one at the table is a rotten egg!” Silence. No one came running. Now, my heart pounded loudly in my chest. I heard a door slam and smelled the faint aroma of smoke, but I didn’t see anything. Was my imagination running wild? Returning quickly to the kitchen, I opened every cabinet and looked under the sink. I put the baby in her highchair and took out four sundae cups, a scooper, and a big box of chocolate ice cream. As I put the ice cream into the cups, I tried to maintain my normal voice. Talking loudly to the baby, I explained that I was going to cover the ice cream with sprinkles and whipped cream. Just as I was topping the sundaes, I realized I hadn’t looked on the front porch. I went out and looked around and under some tables and chairs, but there was no sign of the boys. I thought to myself, my sister is going to kill me. The phone rang, and it was my bother in law. He was calling from the car to get an update on how things were going. “How’s is everyone?”, he asked. I couldn’t lie. I told him things could be a lot better. I said, “we had lots of fun at the park and in the backyard. Lunch was good, but now we have a problem”. I explained that the boys seemed to be playing an extended game of hide and seek. I hadn’t seen or heard from them for almost an hour. Surprisingly, he didn’t seem that concerned, but he did think it a little weird that they were playing for so long. He asked if I had looked in the shed out back. Wow, that was one place in the yard that I hadn’t looked at yet. I thanked him for the suggestion and told him I would look and call him right back. I ran outside and opened the door to the shed. Inside it was dark and musty. There was a slight smell of smoke. I pulled on the metal chain that turned on the single low wattage overhead bulb. Smack in the middle of the shed, I could not believe what I saw. There were two piles of neatly folded boys’ clothing. They were the same ones that I had last seen them wearing. I felt like I was going to throw up. I realized I had left the baby alone in the house in her highchair. I hurried back and the phone was ringing. This time I didn’t recognize the number. A strange man’s voice asked if I knew where my children were? I froze and yelled, “Who the hell is this?”. The phone clicked. My hands were shaking as I called my brother-in-law. He sounded relieved because he thought I was calling back so quickly because I had located the boys. Instead, I could barely talk thru my tears. I told him I hadn’t found the boys, and that I had just received a terrible call from a man asking where my children were. I told him I checked the shed and the boys’ clothing was there, but not the boys. He told me to call the police right now. They were turning the car around and coming home. Just then, I looked at the highchair. It was empty. Now, the baby was gone too. Two police cars pulled up to the front of the house with their lights on. Then a third police car pulled up right behind them with search dogs. The Officers tried to calm me down and get my version of what happened. The Officers with the dogs asked for articles of clothing recently worn by the children. Was it possible that all three children were gone? I went upstairs and grabbed the boys’ dirty pants and socks off their bedroom floor. I picked up the dirty short set that the baby had been wearing before her bath and gave it to the men. I was sobbing. They were asking for descriptions and height and weight information about the kids. I looked around the house to find recent school pictures of the boys, and some pictures of the baby. I told the officers about the terrible phone call. They were looking at me as if I were crazy. They informed me that I was now a suspect in the disappearance of my niece and nephews. How could I lose the boys? How could I lose the baby? This could not possibly be happening. My sister is going to kill me. I am hearing sirens, dogs barking, and I am smelling smoke again. Where are the children? I begged God to please help us to find them. I am cold and going into shock. I am going to pass out. I hear my sister calling out to me and the boys. She is crying, “Where are my babies?” She cannot believe that now the baby is missing too. I cannot comprehend that I am the primary suspect. Everyone is looking at me with disgust and disbelief. Did I have something to do with the kids’ disappearance? I can’t think straight. How can I convince them that I am innocent? Everyone tells me to sit down on the sofa and not move out of their sight. I can hear the dispatcher calling out police codes and locations on the radios all around me. The radios are beeping in between comments. Now the sirens are blaring full blast. I keep hearing beeping and beeping. It won’t stop. The beeping is my wake-up alarm. “This is my worst nightmare.”