text: Don’t leave me or you are going to be sorry. I am warning you. Don’t leave me ! I ran around in circles, barking, then I ran back and forth sliding on the hardwood floors finally stopping face first into the sofa. By the time I got myself together I heard the door to the garage slam shut. They had both left. I made my way to the bay window and lay down. The warm bright sun would soon wash over my body. I was daydreaming about what my humans will serve me for dinner and playing with my tennis ball. Suddenly, I had an overwhelming sensation of being watched. Watch this ! I thought as I sat up, raised my back left leg from sitting and proceeded to clean myself. After I finished, I proceeded to let out a loud sound from my behind. It was gloriously loud and stinky, so much so that I hoped it had knocked the cat, the voyeur, clear across the room. “You are a disgusting pig! That was stinky,” said the cat aka Fat Boy. “Wait! You have not seen disgusting yet. Meet me in the bathroom in an hour, I will be drinking from the toilet and then I will be scooting my privates across the upstairs carpet. This is how I roll. Leave me alone you fat hairy monster.” I replied. He had let himself go. He would not let the humans brush him anymore. He sat around and ate all day. Now he seemed to take pride waddling around the house, dragging his belly on the floor. “So uncouth,” he said as he laid down next to me in the bay window. “If I am so nasty, why do you like to lay next to me?” I asked. “I don’t know. That is what we do. It makes the humans happy,” said Fat Boy. He put his head on my outstretched paw and was out like a light in about five minutes. I think he was getting too fat. His chunky face and body which ranked high on the human scale of cuteness was now affecting his health. I guess I fell asleep too. When I awoke the sun was no longer shining through the bay window. “Hey! Get up Fat Boy, I need some water. Hello, get up!” I yelled. Poor guy must be going deaf. I pulled my paw from under him. “Meow, I got in a nice nap,” he said as he did a cat stretch with his butt in my face. “Could you not stick your butt in my face?” “So sorry Old Man.” I was twelve, but I looked good for twelve and had the heart and body of a seven-year-old dog. I watched my weight and I exercised. “Who are you calling old? I need some water and then I have got to get my steps in. Which obviously you need to do too,” I said. “Whatever,” he said as he curled up in the bay window. I left to get water from my bowl. My bowl had cat hair in it. “Hey Fat Boy, have you been drinking from my bowl?” “The bowls are communal. I do not see your name on any bowl in this house,” he said. Jerk! He knew which bowls were mine. I was here first. Time for my steps. I bolted up the stairs to the second floor. I sniffed around doing a couple of laps. I was thirsty again. I needed to hit the toilet for a nice cool drink. I went back down the stairs and then back up the stairs. I was feeling good. I saw myself in the bathroom mirror. Damn I look hot for a twelve-year-old dog. One more cold drink I thought. I headed into the bathroom. Once again, I felt a strange sensation, like I was being watched. As I stood up to put my head into the toilet bowl, the toilet seat cover slammed into my face. “Jesus Christ,” I yelled. I was seeing stars. “So sorry Old Man, I did not see you. “Liar. You are such a liar. How could you not see me?” I shook it off and I decided to chase the fat monster. “You had better run Fat Boy,” I said as I got myself together. I took a drink and then took off after him up and down the hallway. He was still fast considering how fat he was. Then he took off down the stairs. “You can’t catch me!” He said as he lay on his back looking at his nails while writhing around on the landing. “Oh yes I can,” I replied. I admit, I was a bit winded looking down at him from the second floor. “Whenever you catch your breath, Old Man, I will be downstairs,” he said while sauntering down the stairs. He makes me so mad! Fat Boy makes me so angry! I continued to get my steps in on the second floor. Suddenly I noticed a round large object in the bedroom I had never seen before. I sniffed it. It smelled like mommy’s crotch. I knew this smell as I ate some fabric one day and I ended up in the vet emergency hospital. Mommy no longer keeps her crotch smelling fabric on the floor. She puts them in a basket with a lid. It was a big ball. A ginormous ball. Why hadn’t I seen this before? Why have they hidden this from me? I got my nose under the ball, and I was able to get it out of the bedroom into the hallway. I nosed it around and chased it. I needed to let Fat Boy see my new toy. “Fat Boy. Hey Fat Boy! Look what I found!” I lost my balance and the ball hit the wall and rolled down the stairs. I went running down the stairs after the ball. The ball bounced on every other step, hit the landing hard then bounced to the first floor. As it bounced back into the air it flew into a vase of flowers on the kitchen bar, knocking it over, then it ricocheted and knocked over a display of vintage coffee cans on a kitchen shelf. Water from the vase was pooling under a bar stool. Luckily the vase did not fall to the floor and break. Oh no, I thought. “Hey, Fat Boy where are you?” What am I going to do? I started panting and pacing. Then I howled. I started barking. I was having an anxiety attack. Then I started chasing my tail. Fat boy came strolling into the kitchen. “Yes. What is going on in here? Looks like someone, someone was a very bad boy,” he said with great sarcasm. He jumped up on the bar stool to assess the situation. “It looks like you were surveying the counter Old Man.” “No, it was the giant ball,” I said. “You know that counter clearing thing that you canines do. You like to stand up like a human and feel around like you are doing the breast stroke. You know, you know exactly what I mean,” he said. He started laughing, while lying on his back, head dangling over the bar stool. “What are you laughing at? They will think that it was you. You walk on the counters all the time.” “No. I am too weak to knock over a large vase filled with water. This one is all you Old Man!” “No, they will think it is you I cannot reach the center of the bar.” “Details. Details. I need my beauty sleep so I can hunt mice this evening. This is not my problem,” he said as he jumped from the bar stool to the floor. Just then he noticed that the antique coffee cans were knocked over. “That’s right they will think you were high on cat nip when you caused this destruction. Bouncing off the vase in that Kung Fu style you like to attempt and then jumping onto the high shelves knocking over the coffee cans,” I said. “No, mommy will think daddy did it by slamming the door. The vase is all you. Someone is in big trouble. You are a very bad boy,” he said, as he ran into the laundry room. I was overwhelmed so I lay down in the kitchen looking at the large ball that was now resting in front of the refrigerator. I could hear water from the vase still trickling onto the floor. Soon after, I must have fallen asleep. When I woke, I knew it was close to the time my humans return by the shadows created by the sunlight in the kitchen. There was nothing I could do but wait. I stretched, got up and walked around the house. I peered in the laundry room and there was Fat Boy on top of the dryer seated with his head hidden and leg up in the air. He was cleaning himself. “Who is a disgusting pig now?” I asked. He quickly sat up and put his leg down and did not look back at me. There was a Cardinal at the bird feeder which now had his undivided attention. I headed back upstairs and climbed into a human bed and went back to sleep. I was dreaming about the giant ball and a giant dog biscuit. I woke from a deep sleep to the sound of breaking glass. I ran downstairs and saw dishware on the floor in many little pieces between the kitchen bar and the sofa. Oh God, this is a mess, I thought. “Fat Boy where are you? What did you do?” No response. I hope he was not somewhere bleeding or dead with gash marks from the glass . “Where are you? You, OK?” He soon crawled out from under the couch looking a bit shaken. “Yes, I think so,” he said as he started to cry. “Oh no not the crying, you know I cannot stand it when you cry.” “Mommy is going to be so mad at us. I don’t want to disappoint her.” “Yeah, whatever, cut the drama. You walk around here like you do not care about anybody or anything. What the heck did you do?” I asked. “I was jumping on the counter. I landed on a saucer that went flying with the cup.” “Just great. Please tell me you aren’t bleeding! mommy will be screaming if there is blood on her white furniture.” Who has white furniture when they have pets? Not a good idea. Mommy must have seen it in a magazine. “I am OK. No blood.” he said, as he pulled himself together. “Calm down. Much better. Now go do some cat things. Chase your imaginary friends. Or even better go meditate in your bathroom.” “It will be an interesting evening when they get home from work and notice the destruction,” he said as he started to cry again. At least I had not broken anything. Schadenfreude had set in . I held my head up high and strutted into the living room and took my favorite spot on the couch. Fat Boy disappeared behind the draperies. I must have dozed off again. I sat up as I heard the garage door open and close. Do I go greet them? Or do I wait for the primal scream? I tried to listen carefully for footsteps. But I heard none. I heard fat boy running around the kitchen, probably high again on catnip. The cat was a big stoner. I got off the couch and heard a key in the door, then the alarm beep and then the door slam. Daddy was home. “Winston, come let’s go potty,” said daddy. So far so good, I walked into the kitchen and got a hug. My daddy was glad to see me. Oh no he was going to put the mail on the bar counter which was probably still wet. I needed to distract him. Luckily, he was thirsty so he placed the mail next to the refrigerator and then kicked the ball into the dining room so he could open the door. “Why did she leave this stupid thing in the kitchen?” he said. “Where is my chunky kitty?” he said as he closed the refrigerator door. “Meow.” said Rodney as he came to daddy’s feet. Daddy scooped him up and walked towards the patio door. “Let’s go potty Winston,” he said. He let me outside through the patio door. While outside, I felt free and happy. I went potty and then proceeded to roll in something that smelled just ripe enough to annoy Fat Boy. When daddy let me in, he gave me a biscuit and he gave Fat Boy some fishy smelling tidbit. Soon Fat Boy was rubbing against daddy’s leg while giving me the side eye. Daddy looked around overlooking the overturned vase, missing the overturned coffee cans and he was unable to see the broken cup and saucer behind the couch. He looked impressed. “Looks like you guys were good today. You guys are the best. Such good kids. Some people come home from work and their homes are destroyed by their pets. Not our babies,” he said. Daddy filled our food bowls. I ate all my food. Lord knows when Fat Boy will finish his food, probably late at night in between dining on rodents. Daddy went upstairs. Soon we could hear the garage door open and close. Mommy was home. “Honey I am home! Where are my babies?” Fat Boy and I stood frozen waiting for the primal scream. None came. Daddy came downstairs. He had changed his clothes. “Hello, Helen honey, we have to leave in 30 minutes.” “Oh no. I forgot. OK. Did I get any mail?” “All junk mail,” said daddy. There were other dishes on the counter. Which would soon prove to be a blessing. As mommy turned to walk towards daddy her briefcase swung around and hit several dishes that daddy had left on the counter from the morning. The dishes that were left after Fat Boy’s counter jump failure. Suddenly there was the sound of broken glass. “Andy why did you leave these dishes on the counter? The babies could have knocked these over and got injured while we were at work. Damn it!” she said. “I am sorry honey. I was rushing out of here this morning. I will clean this up. I am so sorry.” They kissed and mommy ran up the stairs to shower and get dressed. Fat Boy and I let out a sigh of relief. So far nothing had been noticed. As daddy, swept up the broken dishes and put them into the trashcan he noticed the overturned vase. Uh oh I thought as we watched in horror. “Why do we need these dead flowers,” he said aloud, as he picked them up and put them in the trash and put the overturned vase away. Daddy read his mail and had a beverage while standing in the kitchen. “Winston and Rodney come,” he said. “We are going out, so here is another treat.” He gave us each a small piece of deli meat. We were sitting pretty. Soon mommy came down the stairs looking as beautiful as ever. “Ready to go?” asked daddy. “Just need to find the purse I want to use, think it is in the hall closet.” “OK I will let Winston out again, while you get your purse.” I went out and did my business. When I came back in, I did a little performance, acting like I did not want them to leave. The usual, panting and walking around in circles quickly. Mommy found her purse in the hall closet, and they were ready to go. “Be good,” said mommy as she looked at the two of us pets. Daddy opened the door to the garage. Mommy walked out first and then daddy followed her and slammed the door so hard that the walls shook, and the clock fell off the wall. “Andrew why must you slam the door? You know things fall off the wall when you slam the door,” mommy yelled, from the garage. “Sorry,” he said. “Coffee can problem solved,” said Fat Boy. “The housekeeper will find the cup and saucer tomorrow. I think we are in the clear,” I said. We cuddled on the couch waiting for mommy and daddy to return.