text: "Looks like it's going to rain, son." "Why do you say that?" It was a cloudless day and we were indoors. "I just have this feeling." Then he wet his pants. "Dad, do you have a change of clothes?" "No, but I've had a change of heart." And then he bet on red. *Children* It was prom and he handed me the keys to his car and he whistled. "Looking sharp, son." I took the keys and he said "Don't make any babies." And then he laughed. I returned the laughter and he grabbed me by the shoulder and whispered in my ear "I mean it." Then he showed me an itemized bill for my entire life that he had been calculating since I was conceived. Later on, at dinner, I took it out and glanced at it. "Being a dumb shit" is about $3.40 an hour. *Halloween* "Well, it's that time of year again." "What time?" "Halloween." "It's April." "We do Halloween on my time!" He said and walked out the door with a sheet on and didn't come back until October. But he was much scarier by the time the holiday was upon us. *College* "Son, I bet you think I've been saving money for your college." "No, the thought never occurred to me." I was about 25 at the time. "Well, I haven't. And do you know why?" He had been dropping clues with the alcoholism, drug abuse, and general dementia for about 15 years, but I didn't give it away. "No." "It's because I love you and I want you to try harder than I did. I don't want you to take hand outs. I want you to be your own man." Then he asked me for 50 dollars. *Good Values* "We need to talk about values, son. Do you know what values are?" "Sure, like being honest and treating people right." He looked at me confused and then he pulled out a coupon book and began counting all his values. He had tons. *Pets* "Here." He handed me a slug. "I caught it out in the yard. It almost got the best of me. Now, I'll tell you right now, I'm not gonna feed it. Or pay for the shots." I looked at the slug in my hand and thanked him. "His name is Peter." *Growth Hormones* "Son, have you been taking growth hormones?" "No, Dad. Why?" "You seem bigger than the last time I saw you." "Well, you've been away for a year. I'm 18 now." "Why, you could play baseball." "I do." "You gotta stop them growth hormones. They'll kill you." "Thanks, Dad." "Do you have any coke?" *America* "Son, you realize this is the best country in the world, right?" "Sure, Dad." "Why, you can't even vote in most countries. Like Russia. Or Canada. Or Billy's." "What's Billy's?" "It's a country right outside of Seattle. I was registered to vote there." He looked off in the distance. "But they wouldn't let me. Said I had to pay for the beer. I tried voting for it. It did no good." "Can I go ride bikes?" "Sure, go ride your communist bike. I'll sit here and live in the greatest nation in the world." And he sat there for 12 hours whistling. *Being Grateful* I remember he once gave me a bag of screws and I had trouble understanding what they were for and asked him "Are these in case something breaks?" He then initiated a staring contest and I immediately blinked to avoid it. Then he cleared his throat and said "You don't look a gift horse in the mouth." I asked him what that meant and he opened his mouth and pulled out a false tooth and told me it contained cyanide and that he would bite it the next time I asked him about those screws. I think it was my fourth birthday. *Run for President* "Son, I want you to run for President." "OK, Dad." "You'll need these." And he handed me a gun and a five dollar bill. *Movies* "You don't need movies. You have all the movies you could want right in your head. Look, watch me go to a movie." Then he sat there for two hours making different faces like he was watching a movie. Towards the end, he was crying. Then, he said "What a movie!" I asked him what it was about. "I don't know, but Burt Reynolds was in it. I've seen it like five times.