text: It’s just a part of the job I say. A Job I hate, and wouldn't do anymore if I didn't have to. My problems are not knowing what else to do, and being the only one who is able to do this right now. The nurses nod knowingly around me as I walk in the room. The hospital itself feels like it's alive. You can feel the energy of everything happening throughout the building. When you pay close attention it's almost as if the building breathes. Walking in the door you could judge how bad your day will be. Today started out okay, and felt better. Until the code white was called overhead. Infant emergency. It’s hard to describe the wave of stopping time, deep panic, and sadness that slams into the hospital the seconds after those words are called. I’m just an orderly in the emergency room, but I grabbed the code bag and sprint up the stairs. It’s really time to work. A team of doctors and nurses were already in the room. A few more doctors of different varieties gathered around the door as well. The critical care team started CPR. The new mother wailing in a broken defeated scream. Begging for her child. The father silently watching and preparing himself for the worst night of their lives. I got pulled from the doorway into the compression rotation. CPR itself was routine, and I've done it on dummies of babies so many times. I don't actually remember doing CPR but I remember the time of death, and that I was the one holding onto her. The family, having time to say hello and goodbye to the newborn, was now discharged and on their way home. Specialists would be sent to keep an eye on the grieving couple in the coming days. It was time to bring her downstairs to the morgue. A black baby cradle waited for her in the walk-in fridge. I opened the door, and motionless the baby laid. I’ve put over 100 people in bags and brought them down. The Body bag was so small. Not at all unlike a shopping bag. I gently picked her up and placed her in. I zipped up the bag and carried her out of the room. People passed by us unknowingly, and tried to stop me to say hello. I just kept moving. I did not want to do this. I walked up the hill with her. Unlocked the door, and placed her in the cradle. I stared at the bag. Turned around, shut the door and locked it. She sat there with Ann now. Ann was a regular patient of ours that had just passed away the night prior. A sweet legless old lady It brought me some comfort knowing they were there together. I turned the lights in the morgue off, and walked back down the hall. I went to the bathroom, and flushed away all the uneasiness inside me. I washed my hands. They’ll never be clean really now I thought as I scrubbed. I scrubbed and scrubbed. Dried my hands, and I took a deep breath. It’s almost time for dinner I realized. I had been looking forward to the spaghetti I made all afternoon. I was at work, and it was time for dinner. So I ate, and with every bite I forgot about her a little more. Before I was able to finish the Ambulance bay alarms were going off and a Code Blue was being called. I grabbed my code bag and ran. It was just part of the job I didn't want to do anymore.