text: Right, so there you are, probably fat, maybe even a little bit dead. You are thinking, your thoughts are mostly stupid but some of them are probably even stupider than the others. I don't know that for a fact, I can't read minds, I just assume that everyone is thinking stupid thoughts. "Hmm," you allegedly think to yourself "I haven't eaten a banana in quite some time, okay, time to hide in a bush." WRONG! One does not just hide in a bush all willy nilly like. No, you'll have to have a plan first, and for that you'll need an expert. Luckily you have me, so let me introduce myself. Hi everyone, I'm Ronald Hucklebee, I am a self taught bush life expert, and I believe myself to be well qualified to help you with all of your bush hiding endeavours being that I lived in a bush for 17 years straight before finally acknowledging the existence of the outside world. And if you are still worried about my qualifications, don't, I ate about 5 gallons of frog sludge before writing this and now I'm starting to get pissed off. And on top of that, I chased my neighbor around all morning in an attempt to inflict great pain upon his dangly bits with a Christmas ham and a bundle of bricks, so you know that you can trust me, besides, I can read minds so that is always a plus. Now for the plan, the first part of any plan that you plan on planning should be to find a reason for the plan at hand. Lack of banana consumption is not an acceptable reason to hide in a bush, so let me help you find something better. Step 1: find a reason. Now this reason could be many things, for example there may be a snail with the temper of Satan many miles away who slowly inches closer to you, and may attack unexpectedly in just a few years time (that sucker might be sticky). Or maybe there has been an unusual amount of nuclear warfare recently, and you need a safe place to create your evil layer so that you can become the the terrifying evil mastermind supervillain know as Crispy Bush Person. Or it could be that your neighbors are making fun of you and calling you crazy because you are a 69 year old man with what they call "imaginary" friends, who are all talking animals with crazy personalities, and because you are vegan and eat meat, and your chicken is addicted to meth but it isn't your fault and stuff. These are all perfectly acceptable reasons to hide in a bush. Step 2: so you've got your reason, now you need a bush. Now I know what you are thinking, "come on Ronald, there are probably about six bushes out there, that is a lot of bushes, I think that I can find my own." That *is* what you were thinking right? See I told you so, I told you that I could read minds! And also, let's address the problem at hand, if you think that you are capable of finding your own bush then you are dead wrong, for that you'll need an expert, which I am. And if the Russian government hasn't found me yet then I don't think that they ever will, so you know that you can trust me! "But Ronald," you say, "the Russian government *isn't looking* for you, how would they find you if they aren't even looking?" And to that I would just like to say one thing, DON'T YOU SEE HOW THAT ONLY SUPPORTS MY THEORY? YEAH, UP YOURS PUTIN, YOU'LL NEVER FIND ME! Oh and about the bush finding thing, pretty much any bush will work as long as it's not the first one that you find, there is always a rapist in the first one. Moving on! Step 3: aquire the proper bush hiding attire. That has a ring to it doesn't it? So what is "proper" bush hiding attire? Well, let's be honest, how the hell do you think that you would manage to fit in a bush and wear clothes all at the same time? That's right, you can't. Thankfully there is a rather simple solution to your problem, just take your clothes off. See? Now you'll fit in the bush! Step 4: enter the bush. That sounds pretty simple right? Well let me tell you something, entering a bush becomes a lot more complicated when you have to tunnel from 90 feet away and come up underneath it, which of course is what I recommend if you don't want to be smote by Fungus Chub, the bush god. So yeah, have fun doing that without a shovel. So yeah, that pretty much sums it up, and remember kids, blind people never tell the truth, always call the cops if you see a blind person.