text: Some people are so well-known that when they enter either a fancy restaurant, a 5-star hotel, an opera theatre, or any place of wealth or notoriety, their names will be spoken or, at times, whispered. They could be C.E.O's, movie stars, people in Congress, the Kardashians, athletes, or my wife--Wait, what?--*MY WIFE*?? These V.I.P's are acknowledged as soon as they enter a building. Paparazzi will be taking their pictures. They will buy the most expensive tickets, get the best seats, draw in other well-to-do patrons, tip well, and be really good for business. But, why my wife? How did she become a person of notoriety? As far as I know, she isn't any of these things. Does she have a secret life that I don't know about? Once she was on a women's bowling team where she maintained the lowest average among her teammates, and another time, she played one inning for a women's softball team before she pulled a muscle running to first base; I would have liked getting a picture of that but if I had, we probably would have been divorced by now. So she couldn't be known for her athletics. She did own a hair salon but *certainly* was not a highly paid C.E.O. She has never been in a movie--not even the home family video kind, nor was she elected to be a class representative at any time in her life. She is not, and will never be, a fan of opera and the only glasses she owns are for reading. She is not even remotely related to the Kardashians, lest know who they are. In N' Out is her favorite place to eat. Her finances are limited. So, how is it that she appears on the list above? It is because *they know her name!* They know her first and last name. When she enters their establishments, they greet her with "Hi Pat!". It is similar to when Norm would enter the bar on "Cheers" and everyone would acknowledge him by yelling out in unison "**Norm**!". Apparently, she was well-known. She was greeted upon entering Walmart, Big Lots, and who knows what other stores. When are they going to roll out a "red carpet" or announce her arrival over the loudspeakers? Why would they do that unless she was often there? She must be spending a great deal of money at those places. Thank heavens she wasn't known at the Broadway or Macy's or some of the stores on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. *Phew*! I don't like to shop, but I went to Walmart with her once. The greeter at the door knew her name, and they began to chit-chat while I went to get a cart from outside. Upon entering, the greeter called me by my first name as I passed. I had a feeling she probably knew where I was born, my height, weight, school subjects I taught, and how long we had been married. I didn't see my wife because she was off and running. She was going to *birdwalk* today, and I would have to look for a while to find her. But, as I passed the cashier, she said, "Oh, you must be Mr. S... ! Pat started down that aisle just a few seconds ago. If you pick up your pace, you'll have a 50/50 chance of catching her." She could be anywhere in less than a minute. The garden area was to the left; straight ahead were Christmas trees and ornaments and to the right, the rest of the store. Where would the birdwalker go first? Luckily, she had no cart and could only carry a few things. I had to find her quickly. It was like looking for Amelia Earhart, like finding a needle in a haystack, like Stanley searching for Livingston. "*Pat, I presume*," I said, as I tapped her on the shoulder. It had taken me only 10 minutes, a new record. She dumped her findings in the basket and continued to wander, or should I say birdwalk. This was going to be costly! I always try to go to Papa John's Pizza by myself for a good reason. I usually order one large pizza to take out. But when my wife goes with me, the pizza cost triples. I always ask her to wait in the car while I go inside. She invariably gets out saying that she will just "*window shop*" for a few minutes. But I know better. She has an infrared radar like a bat. She could find Big Lots blindfolded. All of her five senses kick in: sight, smell, sound, touch, and taste. Papa John's does recognize me some of the time, but I am only there for one item, pizza. My wife has no limits when it comes to purchases. With terror on my face, I encourage them to speed it up. Turn up the burners, skip the pepperoni I would say. Maybe if I offer a tip, I could get it baked before everyone ahead of me. It could save me money in the long run. I order, and they tell me it will take 20-25 minutes--must remember to always phone ahead. I know it will cost me dearly if it takes more than 10 minutes, and I let them know that this pizza will cost me at least $50 if they don't put it on rush; an anxious husband waiting. I tell them my wife is on the loose, and my bank account is going to be bled. I have to apply direct pressure. I know my wife has gone into Big Lots, a store that has lots of "**things**" that, obviously, she desperately needs! The longer it takes, the more it costs. I get the pepperoni pizza in around 12 minutes, put it into the car and run to Big Lots. Crashing through the front door, the only cashier on duty sees me and says, "Pat is in aisle #3." She knows I'm Pat's husband! She has seen this scenario before. They know her name. Walmart, Big Lots, and others know her name. She most definitely is a major personality and must be part of the V.I.P's that this world has to offer, at least in my world. But, can I afford it?! I will try to tell her that that rug, lamp, coffee pot, and bird feeder are not needed; the rug won't fit in our bedroom, the old lamps were a wedding gift from my parents, the coffee pot's color doesn't match our kitchen's colors, and there is no place on the bird feeder for the hummingbirds to sit. She only listens maybe 46% of the time, and when the cashier tells her that she was thinking of buying some of the same items herself, I can't win. **We should stop eating pizza altogether**! She may not be Maria Sharapova, Kim Kardashian, or some other famous lady, but we must take note as to whether or not the stores are greeting our wives with their names as they enter. We will always need a strategy.