text: THAT GIRL FROM ZAMBIA I had a friend. Only one, growing up. She was my everything... This was at a time when I didn't exactly have a reputation. I wasn't exceptionally good looking. I was dark, overweight by 15kgs, and tall. I was a whole feet taller than all those dumb bimbos that came to school in the name of eduction everyday. Their hair left out, skirts hiked up. Yet they had the nerve to call me out for being ugly. What didn't help was my inability to laugh at the names they called me- Shitnam, Gagnam, Shags... I complained to my teachers for a lack of a better comeback, but this only made it worse with me earning the tag of a "crybaby", "whiner" "weiner" (the last one doesn't even make sense). Anyway, coming back to the point. A new girl came to our school from Zambia a few years ago. She was pretty, fair, had long hair and was chatty. Everyone seemed to like her the moment they met her, probably because she had so much to talk about. She had these bubblegum flavoured lollies, that she'd share with everyone, constantly saying "try it, it's from Zambia ". Like I get you're from a foreign country, now get off your high horse. I thought of her as a show off and tried to ask a few people about her too, but they all thought she was lovely. I wasn't a fan of her, till she asked me if I wanted to join her as a partner for our school dance competition. This is the most prestigious event of the school, which all the popular people were a part of and it had been my longest dream to be in it. But I never found a group to be a part of, and I didn't need people to throw tomatoes at me for dancing alone. So I'd watch my bullies perform for over 3 consecutive years, simmering with anger as they enjoyed the popularity they didn't deserve, till this "girl from Zambia'' showed a newfound interest in me. Maybe dancing with her would boost my reputation in school too. We practised for over a month. It was mostly her telling me what to do, while I danced along with her. When we performed together on D-day, she received all the praise for performing so gracefully, though I was just happy to be on stage. We eventually came 3rd. WOW... from never performing on stage to coming 3rd, was a massive achievement for me. So much that I framed my certificate in my bedroom. It was surprising she even performed with me. She could lose her reputation, she could have no friends because of me, she would be a loner just like me. She hung out with me occasionally, but had her own group of "cool" friends. She was polite to me when she met me and even stopped by to chat, even though her friends gave me the stink eye, as they waited to get her attention. The dance competition came again next year and she performed with me again, choreographed the whole sequence and this time we came second. But she again received praise for it all. It was like I never existed to anyone but her. I was invisible, before and after the competition, but her fame spread from our grade to the whole school. Why did she perform with me, if she had better gangs to hang out with? Did she feel sorry for me? Did she think it was easy to get me to do what she wants? She wasn't toxic though. She wasn't rude either. She was like this 'nice narcissist'. She was sweet to everyone, yet got what she wanted, though I stayed exactly where I was. Slowly my whole attention revolved around why she wanted to be around me.. Was I the antidote to her vanity? Is this a build up to something bigger she needed from me? I confronted her once, unable to keep my insecurity within me any longer. To which she gave me a kind smile, like she didn't know what I was talking about, like I was stupid for even asking, like this rapport we shared was completely normal- her ghosting me through the year but being a friend only in the one important month of that year. The third time she came to me again, for the dance competition, I had a strong urge to say no, but it would be me who's losing, as she'd find someone else to dance with, while I'd miss out. So I said yes, but decided to set the ground rules. I would arrange the music and steps for the dance and this time she would follow. She didn't resist, which I was surprised by, in all honesty. I practiced real hard that year, tried to lose some weight to look pretty, and scavenged through the deep recesses of my brain to make our performance stand out and look creative. She kept quiet through the entire process and never complained once. On the final day of our performance, people were spellbound. They applauded so loudly we couldn't hear anything. Then everyone came running to her to appreciate how amazing the whole act was. It was me who compiled the whole routine, yet she earned the credit! She tried explaining to people that it was actually me, but noone would hear her. Everyone thought she was being modest. I was enraged at the lack of recognition, despite being awarded the winner. After that year she left our school and moved elsewhere. I had no one to perform with again and I became a spectator for toxic people, once more. Till today I question myself, was I this girl's friend or was she mine? Did she even look at me as her friend, because we never did anything that normal friends did, like gossip about crushes, go to the movies, fight with each other, study together. She gave me the confidence of being able to perform in front of 500 people in school, yet left me feeling inadequate at the same time. I forgot about my love for dancing and got entangled in her love (or lack of love) for me...