text: Even though he’d done it countless times before, The Change always made him nervous. What if they aren’t a good fit? Why keep trying? What’s the point? Although he’d asked himself these very same questions plenty of times in the past, the answers never mattered. And they didn’t today, either. Life had become stale, as it always did. This time was supposed to be different. But, it wasn’t. Hoping to fade into the monotony he craved in past lives, the grass had once again become greener elsewhere. As he pulled into the gated parking lot of the office, he sighed. This batch of interviews was solid. Better than the last time, at least. The candidates each offered something different, along with the stability and base he knew he needed by now. He laughed. If he really knew what he needed by now, this wouldn’t keep happening. Walking into the office, the already rising sun was blinding. Better vision will be nice. So will fresher joints. The first few days after a change were always a reminder of the wear and tear the human body endures over time. As nice as that was, The Change always came with guilt. But that never stopped him. It almost did a couple of times. There was that one time, where he’d committed to riding into the sunset and never Changing again. He was sure that was it. Things change, plans change, and eventually, so did he. The alternative to The Change was something very, very different. And it didn’t come with the guilt and pain he’d indulged in for who knows how long. While appealing, the alternative also came with a healthy serving of the unknown. The uncontrollable. He knew guilt well by now, and as much as it pained him, he’d at least grown accustomed to it. Badging his way through a series of heavy doors, accompanied by the beeps of granted access through the halls, he entered his windowless office for the final time. \*\*\* He stared at the first candidate, then looked down at his printed resume’, pretending to care about what was written. After a couple of pointless questions, he got down to business. He began asking him about his family, his goals, and his personal life. Using the same tricks and tools as always to get the information he really wanted. The first candidate didn’t seem to be as good a fit as he’d hoped. He had roots in town, and a family; the kinds of things that would be difficult or painful to get rid of in a timely fashion. This wasn’t the start he wanted, but there were still two more candidates to go. The second candidate swaggered into the office, communicating a pride and self-assuredness that was as appealing as it was off-putting. That could be fun. But there was another concern he’d hoped to avoid at this point. The candidate jokingly brought up his student loan debt, as well as his useless degree, on several occasions. As much as a family was an issue, being racked with debt didn’t sound like the kind of change he was looking for. These were supposed to be the good candidates, he reminded himself. The final candidate was nervous, but seemed well-rounded. No kids. No debt. Nothing special, either. A blank slate. He could work with this. The candidate wasn’t much different than the one from a few Changes ago, and seemed like a good guy. The Change was always easier when the candidates were jerks, but he wasn’t going to be afforded that minor luxury this time. Guilt. This was the worst part. He’d get through it, like he always did. But he needed to take a moment and let it register. Feel the pain. Feel the guilt. And let it sink in. Maybe this time it will hurt too much, and the cycle will stop. He was stalling. The smalltalk had devolved into nonsense, and realistically he’d already made his decision. It was time. He took a deep breath, abruptly interrupted the candidate, stood up, congratulated the candidate on getting the gig, and extended his hand, offering a deal that half of the parties involved weren’t in on. The candidate excitedly rose, thanked him, and shook his hand with a look of surprise. It only took a moment, but each Change felt like it lasted a breath longer than the previous one. The loss of certain memories, and the gaining of others, became less confusing and startling over time. Eventually it all just blended together. The physical change was odd, too. Something he never got used to. It felt like the gentle forcing of play-doh through a spaghetti pasta maker, followed by a sudden lack of soreness, and topped-off with a shot of adrenaline. Jarring and soothing all at once. Now that The Change was complete, he forced an awkward smile, and turned to walk out of the office. Turning away, he opened the door to leave, and gave his most-recent former-self one last look. He had done his best to avoid this. Then again, it always ended this way. Maybe he hadn’t done his best. Once out of the office, he was once again squinting at the glaring sun, already feeling the rush of his new identity taking over. The world was once again his oyster. And this time was going to be different, he thought. This time, things are going to be much different.