text: Prologue It was the kind of love id always wanted To get to this present moment in time I have to rewind to the 17th of September 2013. It was a moment I will never forget. I worked in a small shop in a small town. The clock said 10am and there he was. The man who would consume every thought in my mind for the next few years. When I say every thought, I mean every single thought. His name was Ryan, slim, dark hair and absolutely beautiful. He swept me off my feet from the moment he said hi. The next two years were crazy. Falling in love day by day. It was the small things, like forehead kisses and unexpected hugs from behind. The turning up at my door with 12 red roses for no reason. The way he was able to say “I love you” without even opening his mouth. I knew this was the man who I would spend my life with. But life doesn’t always go the way you want does it? At around 2 and a half wonderful years into the relationship of my dreams. Something changed. He broke my heart. He left me. It was May 31st 2016 when he told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore. Only days before had we sat in a café eating breakfast talking about the future. Only now do I realise that even that early morning in the café there was something wrong. I was so blind sighted by the love I saw when I looked in his eyes that I didn’t notice him taking one step away from me day by day. Where was the love we fought so hard for? Where was the man who fell so deeply in love with me? Both questions I still don’t know the answer to. That Tuesday morning, I could feel it in my stomach. I could feel what was coming even though id convinced myself it was just a phase that would pass. It was over within minutes, the blunt texts, the hard to decipher messages, the coldest feeling I’ve ever felt. He text me saying things aren’t ok. I replied, “are you leaving me?” he responded almost instantly after hitting the send button. The word read “yes.” I immediately crashed. It was as if my brain had shut down, my heart exploded, and my body didn’t know whether it was coming or going. Being in the state I was in I rang and rang until I got a voice at the other end of the phone. “Ryan don’t do this,” I begged. I felt pathetic, worthless and as if my world had ended. Something inside me still felt like I was waiting for him to come back. For weeks I spent hours after hours just praying for a text, a call, his face. But it never happened. I don’t understand how somebody can love you for so long then just change. I still can’t get my head around it. However, I still don’t know where my head is at. I went through the usual stages, denial, emotional mess, pretending I’m OK. One day I hope I am as happy as I am pretendin to be Chapter one I’m a train wreck and I know it The first week wasn’t even the hardest. I was ok, I was waiting for the phone call saying he had made a mistake. Waiting for him to turn up on my door step with that smile I couldn’t ever resist. I sent texts, but didn’t get any reply. It was the second week that killed me. I could feel myself becoming mentally unstable and the worst thing was I was trying so hard to hide it. So he may go tell his friends and family that I’m some crazy woman who was obsessed with him? But it wasn’t obsessed. It was love, real god damn love that he once felt too. But there’s two sides to every story isn’t there. I thought we were ready? He told me he was, he convinced me he was, then he went and said the commitment after 3 years scared him. So why someone would spend a year saying they can’t wait to move out and wake up to my face every morning to turn around and say they’re growing up too fast? Being the bigger person I said OK, let’s slow it down. He was having none of it. The feeling of the person you would give everything in your heart and soul for standing there saying it’s time to call it quits was the most stomach wrenching id ever felt. The third week is when the drinking started. Any excuse to clear my heart from the feeling being in a million pieces. However, it didn’t work that way. Alcohol in, emotions pouring out. Sober me tried to stay strong in front of people. Drunk me let the world and the town know I was hurting. The drinking was reckless. Every day I knew nothing good would come of not being sober. But I did it anyway. It's been 100 days since he told me it was over. Of these 100 days I don’t think there’s any one of them his name hasn’t been in my head. Some days I’m stronger than others. Some days I am not. I am a train wreck and I can’t seem to stop myself. The month of june I think the only person I was fooling whilst pretending to be ok was myself. My mother could see right through the fake smiles and perky attitude. I had myself convinced I had my sanity. I guess I just thought I would wake up one morning soon with a text saying he made a mistake... the text never came surprisingly.