text: Usually, the sight of the Ferris wheel going up would bring me a great amount of joy. Even at my age, it still brings me back to that time of year that promises new beginnings. School would just be starting; I would have had a whole new wardrobe. I could reinvent myself. Granted, I just had my twenty-year reunion. But early September has been cemented as this almost new year, heralded in by the carnival going up in the giant gravel lot at the edge of town. This year is different. This year I’m coming off the worst August I can remember. Which is why Corine is dragging me, practically kicking and screaming. She thinks it will be good for me to get out. I’m not feeling it though. I don’t particularly care for being the third wheel, or in this case, the fifth wheel. But now, since Derek moved out, I especially don’t want to be tagging along with other couples. It makes me feel sixteen again, when I was the only gay guy I knew, getting dragged along on group things. On second thought, maybe this September isn’t so different. Corine and her guy friend picked me up. Their friends were meeting us there. The plan was to go, play some games for nostalgia’s sake, and then go and get something to eat and maybe have few drinks. I did mention at one point that maybe we were getting to be, or already were, far to old for the carnival. Yeah, it was fun. But every year the crowd seemed younger and younger, and we seemed older and older. But what do I know? “Vince, stop. You’re coming. They have a beer tent, remember. Besides, how many people that we know did we run into last year.” “Ok, there’s that too. You’re just proving my point that maybe the carnival has run its course for us.” “I heard it was going to be huge this year. They bought out some other carnival company and they have so many more rides.” “And a beer tent.” “Yes, and a beer tent.” With that I tried to keep a happy face on. I wasn’t going to win this one. I would go, eat a hot dog, drink some beer, play some Whack-A-Mole, and take a cab home. Couples’ night would go on just fine without me if I ducked out early. When we got there and saw their friends waiting out front, I doubled down on my plan to take off early. I honestly can’t even remember their names now but the woman, who Corine knows from her job, kept talking to me in a soft comforting tone. It was getting dangerously close to condescending. Obviously, Corine told her about me and Derek. Great. I hit that beer tent pretty quickly. Corine’s guy friend came with me. Whatever, he’s a nice enough guy. We say guy friend, not to his face, because after all this time together Corine still can’t decide how serious she wants to be with him. Of course, I know his name, but we just call him Guy Friend. Actually, I do call him that to his face, but just Guy for short. I don’t think he likes it. Two beers in and we find the others shooting pellets at tin ducks moving in a row. They got smoked by a thirteen-year-old in the last round and were hell bent on beating him this time around. Where was that beer tent? Corine wasn’t kidding. This place was huge. We ended up having to park in a field across the street. The place seemed to have a pretty big draw. People from towns over seemed to be here too. Maybe it was the beer but I was all turned around. As we meandered through, playing different carnival games, dusk finally settled and all of the lights came on. This was my chance to duck out. We had passed another beer tent and so we all grabbed two, the most any one person could buy at a time. Corine and her friend ran off for the bumper cars or to ride something I didn’t have the stomach for. I’m not sure, I wasn’t really listening. Their boyfriends stood near the chain link fence in a smoking area to have a cigarette with their beers. “I’m going in the mirror maze.” I said to no one. Which was fine. I was the fifth wheel after all. And I love the mirror maze, by the way. And also, some of the other games we were playing. I’m not a total buzz kill. But it was difficult watching them be cute together. Derek and I would do cute things like this. I would win him stuffed animals. He would discretely hook my pinky in his. We would ride the Ferris wheel and kiss when we got to the top. But that was over now and it’s hard when the wound is still fresh. I thought maybe these beers would have helped take the edge off. Maybe they did a little. But goddamn they were mostly water, and expensive as hell. I took the maze slowly. Every so often, when I got to an outside panel, I would see Corine and Guy Friend. The first time she was craning her neck, like she was looking for me. Then she was craning her neck and pointing to a game stand with bright flashing lights. It was ok with me. I would text her when I get home. When I got out of the maze, I was actually on the other side of it. I think. Some of these stands all looked the same. I could see the Ferris wheel so I guess I could find my bearings if I tried hard. My group was off somewhere so I was good. I would just find the entrance and call a cab. But every time I went down one row, expecting to find the exit, I would just find another row. I figured I must be walking in circles. How the hell does a grown man get lost in a parking lot carnival?! When I came to the end of the row, I was in a makeshift square. There was a popped corn machine nearby, and a hot dog cart, and it smelled amazing. There was a crowd off to my left, gathered around a High Striker strong man game. Over the small throng I heard the mallet thud. The bell at the top dinged loudly and all the lights lit up. There was a cheer and the attendant was saying something in an excited voice. So of course, with my slight beer buzz, I went over to watch. I imagined a beefy off duty fire fighter, or maybe a football coach. Just because I was still mourning my relationship with Derek didn’t mean I was dead. And who knew, it might be a nice distraction. I wasn’t disappointed. The guy gripping the mallet was probably my age. His skin was the color of a summer working outside. He was in a t shirt and jeans, with his thin flannel shirt tied around his waist. The women were all smitten with him and his tight t shirt with the faded logo. The men were all looking cocky and maybe a little pissed that they were being shown up in front of their dates. He raised the mallet again with thick arms and brought it down hard, ringing the bell and the lights. And then he saw me. I looked away. My face and ears as red as the tent I was standing near. I wished I still smoked, if just to give myself something to do, to look distracted. When I looked back up, he had handed the mallet off to the next guy, who’s face betrayed his insecurity at having to go after him. He was still looking at me as he pulled his flannel back on and he smiled a small smile and started walking towards me. Oh my god he’s walking towards me. Of course, being at a carnival in a gravel parking lot, my first thought is I am going to get my ass handed to me for getting caught eyeing this guy. I looked quickly to see if his other large buddies were joining him from the edges of the crowd. They weren’t but I’ll tell you, my buzz wore off pretty quickly. He came and stood next to me. This isn’t real, I thought. This just doesn’t happen. I didn’t look at him, but stared back at the High Striker game and the guy trying his hardest at it. “You gonna give it a try?” Was he talking to me? Was he really talking to me? And was I really reacting like my sixteen-year-old self? Oh my god what is wrong with me? My sixteen-year-old self would have punched me in the gut and told me to grow up. I laughed, both at his question and at myself. “No. No I am not.” “Douglas.” He said and held out his hand. “Vincent.” I said. “Well, Vince. People call me Vince.” I don’t know why I lead with my full name. I never go by Vincent. Idiot. He had a small smile on the edges of his mouth. “Where are your friends?” “Friends?” “Yeah. I saw you earlier with a group of people. Did you get ditched?” “No, I ditched.” “You’re leaving? That’s too bad. I was gonna ask if you wanted to grab a beer at the beer tent. Maybe play some ring toss or something.” Seriously, who does this happen to? I was tempted to look for a tv crew, so sure that this was a set up. In all of my years as an out gay man, and even my years as a closeted gay man, this has never happened to me. Not one time. But this was a carnival, and it was supposed to be a good time. So why not. “Yeah. Yeah ok. Let’s play some ring toss.” I smiled. This felt good, to be noticed like this. I hadn’t felt noticed in quite some time, even before things ended with Derek. We started walking down a row of game tents, our shoes crunching on the gravel. Up ahead Corine and was coming out of another row of tents and lights, obviously now looking for me. She saw me and waved me over, not realizing this insanely handsome man was walking with me. “There’s your friend. Do you need to...” “No.” I said to him, but smiled at Corine. “They can go on without me.” I motioned with my eyes towards Douglas. She smiled as she put it together. She waved and they disappeared into a haunted house. As we walked, I saw the mirror maze again. And then the beer tent. And then the exit. I wasn’t lost anymore, but I wasn’t leaving just yet.