text: The Callotians are a proud and intelligent race. Although it's widely accepted in their society that intelligence is not a simple linear progression, the Callotians as a species are well-read and well-traveled, to the point that many feel they've seen all the universe has to offer. This is why grrrr-pop-pop-click (translated to English as Kevin) was so perturbed that he could not make sense of the human's simple response. Years of prior research had shown that the standard human greeting when meeting a new intelligent species was "Take me to your leader". And yet, when Kevin knocked on the first front door he found and made the request, the answer was just "no". Instead, the human invited Kevin in and asked him to sit on a soft uncomfortable mass which his suckers couldn't seem to grip properly. Kevin was pretty sure the translator was working. Even though the humans had over 7000 languages, the Callotians' AI had studied millions of hours of their media for its database, and there had never been a problem with the translator before. Kevin was pretty sure the human knew he was an alien. Standing three feet tall with four tentacles, the closest looking thing on Earth to a Callotian was a sea urchin, but surely a human would know the difference, right? Then why had this human casually invited him in, instead of calling the military or the news or something more typical of a level 4 species' first contact? The human came in from the kitchen and sat down across from Kevin, handing him a glass of water. Kevin gratefully took the beverage, looking at it carefully before pouring it on himself. "At least their cups are normal" he thought to himself as he tried to find a comfortable position in his seat. Then the human spoke. "So, how can I help you?" This did nothing to alleviate Kevin's confusion. The human spoke like Kevin was a friend and not an entirely new species that this human alone knew about. "We uhhh, we come in peace" Kevin tried again to use the standard Earth greetings. The human laughed "Well that's good, I come in peace too". Kevin noticed the singular I. Behind his confusion, concern began to creep into Kevin's mind. "Why will you not take me to your leader?" Kevin asked, attempting to make any sense of the situation. "Oh uhh I umm... well I just don't think you'd like them very much. They're not very reasonable." the human replied, looking to the floor in embarassment. Now kevin was really lost. The humans' leaders were unreasonable? It was his understanding that leaders on Earth were elected. Why would you elect an unreasonable leader? It would be like making a flammable fire extinguisher. He could understand that differences in physiology could make this chair comfortable to sit in for a human, but what could possibly make someone elect a leader that they themselves called unreasonable? Kevin asked the human. "Well uhh everyones opinion is important y'know? Like we may not agree on everything but at least everyone's voice is heard so it's fair to everyone." This actually made some sense to Kevin. He knew the Callotians had tried a pure democracy long ago, but the extreme developmental differences between their twelve genders made it an unstable form of government compared to a meritocracy. Still, he had been sent here to establish relations with the local planetary government and he wasn't about to be scared off by some level 4 monkeys. Plus, this human seemed nice, and Kevin knew that due to a recent evolutionary bottleneck humans were pretty much all the same. How bad could an elected official be? "I see," Kevin began. "In any case I must establish contact with the leaders of this planet". The human seemed disappointed, but understanding. "Alright," he said "at least let me drive you there, I don't think the Whitehouse has spaceship parking". Kevin climbed into the front seat of the human's pickup truck into the more firm -but still uncomfortable- seat. As the human buckled him in he introduced himself. "I'm David, by the way". "My name is Kevin, nice to meet you" Kevin responded. David chuckled as he buckled himself in. "Nice to meet you, Kevin the alien". As they drove they began to talk. David of course wanted to know all about alien civilization and the technological advancements they'd made, while Kevin had a few questions about human society that years of observing TV broadcasts could not answer. David told Kevin about the many societies of Earth and their unique cultures, about the diverse animal life and beautiful views the planet had to offer. Kevin told David about the utopian society he came from, where disease and crime were practically nonexistant, and the incredible planets and stars he'd seen while traveling the galaxy. They even found a shared sense of humor in one of the few jokes that translates properly between English and Callotian: Why did the chicken (or Callotian slug) cross the road? Finally after over an hour of driving, they reached their destination. David parked across the street and together they walked down Pennsylvania Ave until they stood in front of the Whitehouse. David was pretty sure this wasn't where you were supposed to report an alien sighting to, but he was also pretty sure this was an exception. Plus, he always liked to make an entrance, and he couldn't help but smile at the passersby as they wondered what sort of weird prank this was. At first, nothing happened. "Try waving" David suggested. Kevin waved at the Whitehouse. Still nothing. "Hmmm, maybe they think you're in a costume or something...try dancing". While this translated to Callotian as "mating dance" it actually had the desired effect. Kevin began shaking his spines and waving his tentacles in a methodical, seductive manner. He was starting to feel silly when he heard a quiet hum, which grew into a roar as two windowless black vans raced down either side of the street, nearly hitting a tourist and trapping David and Kevin in between them. As the vans swerved to a halt, six men dressed in all black military gear hopped out of each of them, forming a circle and pointing their weapons at Kevin and David. Kevin was starting to see what David meant by "unreasonable". Surely the leadership of this planet did not think that the Callotians had begun an assault on an unsuspecting planet by sending a single unarmed soldier to stand in their capitol. In fact, the Callotians need not send anyone at all, Earth could easily be destroyed by a blast from a Callotian solar cannon. Still, he reasoned, they were probably right to be suspicious. This was, after all, only their first contact. David interrupted his train of thought. "Uhh, so Kevin, it looks like I'm not gonna see you again for a while. I just wanted to say it was really nice meeting you and uhh, I'm sorry. About them." "Thank you for your hospitality-" was all Kevin was able to get out before they were each roughly tossed into the back of their respective vans. As the doors slammed shut and the vans sped off, Kevin decided now would be a good time to take a nap. Kevin awoke in a featureless white room, with walls and floors of smooth tile. "Finally a decent place to sit" he thought to himself. A camera in the corner of the room watched as Kevin made himself comfortable, suctioning firmly to the ground while his spines shook in relief. A speaker in the ceiling crackled to life as a voice spoke through it. "Can you understand me?" it said. "Yup" replied Kevin. It was silent for a moment and then the voice spoke again. "What do you want from us?" it asked. This was a bit more hostile than how David greeted Kevin, but David had said to expect that. He also said Kevin might be able to get them to relax if he told a joke. "Why did the Earth slug cross the road?" Kevin replied. There was a long period of silence, as though they had to think hard for the answer, then the voice came back nervously over the speaker. "Uhhh t- to get to the other side?". Kevin laughed at the delightfully simple humor, hissing and shaking his spines like he hadn't in years. For some reason this seemed to upset the voice. "We are the most powerful military force on this planet. We are willing and capable of defending ourselves- even if that means destroying you." Kevin started to get annoyed. He had just told a funny joke and in return they were threatening him? He instructed his translator to make him sound smarter. "Foul politician, you dare make empty threats against me and my people? And yet in the same breath you reveal your own ignorance- you know not the capabilities or intent of my species, else we would not be here. Even if your primitive weapons could harm me it would be of no consequence, our medical technology outstrips yours just as much as our military technology! You would be weak and foolish to make an enemy of us". It was not his finest diplomatic work, but Kevin was pretty sure he had put that dumb voice in its place. Suddenly, one of the walls in the room began to slide down. The light behind it was too bright to see through, but Kevin could make out the silhouettes of a few dozen men with guns, all pointed at him. "Maybe their leaders are not so reasonable after all" Kevin thought to himself. Still desperate to salvage the situation and complete his mission, he tried one last time to establish peaceful contact. "Uhhh... we do come in peace though" he said nervously. Walking into the room from behind the light, a man replied. Kevin recognised his voice as the voice from the speaker. "Nice try, xeno" the man said, chuckling to himself, "But you're gonna have to do better than that to outsmart us. Now, since you're so tough maybe you wouldn't mind staying a while for us to... observe you." The way he said it made Kevin very nervous. Callotian medical technology was good, but he would still rather not go through whatever barbaric experiments these level 4's had thought up. In his mind Kevin summoned the rescue pod, now all he had to do was stall. "Actually I would like to invoke my right under Article 4 of the Callotian Rights Agreement to leave now please". This response went about as well as expected as the man burst into laughter "Ahahahahaha, well unfortunately for you, xeno, Earth has not signed onto that agreement, so you're coming with me." he said as he grabbed one of Kevin's tentacles. "NO!" Kevin yelled, yanking his tentacle back so hard it caused the man to fall. Suddenly there was a loud pop, then a smack as Kevin felt a painful punch in his side. Looking down he saw where the bullet had hit him, breaking two of his spines before penetrating his skin. A dark purple goo slowly leaked from the wound. "Hold your fire!" the rude man shouted from the floor "We don't know how quickly it'll decompose when we kill it!". "When you kill me?" Kevin thought to himself, the anger building through every spine in his body. What kind of a primitive backwater world was this that they couldn't even handle diplomatic relations? What kind of people interrogate their first contact? This species didn't even deserve to be visited by the Callotians, he thought as he began to tremble with rage. Kevin was nearly ready to let loose on the ignorant beasts when a tremendous crash shook the building, as the rescue pod slammed through the reinforced concrete floors like a stone through wet toilet paper. When it finally came to a rest in between Kevin and the armed guards, the door popped open and Kevin hurried inside, all too eager to leave. As the engines began to hum and the ship took off, kevin could hear the pings of weak human armaments bouncing off the side of the ship. He grimaced to himself as he sat in the autodoc and pulled up a communications channel. For all their posturing they really were a primitive species. Kevin's boss appeared onscreen. "Well, how did it go?" she asked, checking her notes on the species he had just investigated. "They shot me." Kevin replied nonchalantly as the autodoc began to patch him up. "They SHOT you!?" she nearly screamed "So they're a hostile level 4 species?? Not good, very not good. Do you know what happened to the last hostile level 4 that reached level 5? I'll order an exterminatus immediately" she said, quickly reaching for a nearby terminal. "Wait, " Kevin interrupted, not fully believing what he was about to say "maybe there's a better way." "Like what?" his boss snapped back, anxiously studying her paperwork for any weaknesses she had overlooked "Well uhh I think maybe the problem is with their leadership. Maybe if they had a better influence to follow they wouldn't be so mean." His boss snorted. Knowing as well as Kevin did that it was illegal for a Callotian to rule over another species, she replied "And I suppose you have someone in mind?" "I do" Kevin said, pulling a single strand of hair from between his spines and putting it into a slot in the autodoc. A map appeared on his screen showing a positive molecular match close to where he had been rescued.