text: Taking almost undistinguished breaths, her eyes squeezed closed, eyelashes pushing hard against her cheek , laying silently at the bottom of her pond. Nestled into the mud and leaves like a blanket. The cold stinging water a comfort that no one else understands. Each time she enters the dark waters it’s like a slap, short and sharp, leaving her skin tingling , the cold never really lifting. Like a salve against her day. Her fingers creep slowly out into the dark pushing through the mud, branches and the leaves , fingertips searching for the right one, unravelling the leaves and muck. Probing slowly feeling each stem, ridge and vein of the damp leaves. Is this the one ? Is this one painful enough? Tracing along the veins of the leaf does she remember the words she told herself? Are the words enough?will they bring the cold relief ? She needed the harshest of words, the coldest she remembers to bring her peace. The memory of his cheeky little grin, his tiny fingers reaching out and touching her belly, his adorable giggle his tiny blond head snuggling into her. It’s too much she can’t do his anymore. The love hurts more than any word could, any thought could. Even in the coldest part of her world she can feel that burning heat pressed against her, his love, white hot and unforgiving in its intensity, loving her and all her darkness and fear. Her ever searching fingers find what she needs and slowly she unravels the memories. The words. They sting when she lays them across the spot on her belly where his little fingers laid and had burnt through, soon the burning subsides and all she feels is the cold relief of nothingness. Numb. She doesn’t talk about her ritual. Why? So they can tell her it’s not normal? Not healthy? Or worse that she needs medication? They don’t understand. She’s is strong enough. This is her balance. She doesn’t want any pity. She doesn’t need any help. She just needs to be alone, sometimes. She needs the cold, the dark places she goes, she needs this to balance out the immense love that she endures each day. Why didn’t they tell her it would be so hard to be loved, cherished and needed so intensely. The hugs and the laughter of her perfect little family gently tickling every last happy nerve she had. She sits , smiles and laughs, absorbing all that love, and loves them more than she believed she ever could. But it hurts. And she needs the cold. So after all the smiles and love and goodnight kisses She lays down sinking slowly to the bottom of the pond she created searching for the cold dark comfort of her misery. She needs this. She feels too much. Tomorrow she starts again. Prepares for another day of battle. A silent warrior. She sinks further down into the cold and settles in to restore her strength.