text: Dear Bar Soap, Sorry for the lack of communication. It’s been a long time since I, or anyone else, has seen you around. Not that we’re complaining. It’s actually pretty great without you. It’s a lot less awkward, and everyone’s mood seems to have improved. Apologies if this sounds mean. None of it is personal. You have to understand, right? You were never a permanent solution. Your faults were clear for everyone to see. The mass appeal attributed to your, *admittedly*, important positive aspects were a purposeful public exercise in denial. That denial was necessary. Necessary to endure day after day of being forced to use the pubic hair encrusted filth magnet that you are. As the world evolves, so do the tools we use. Think of it this way: could we have gone to space without first utilizing the wheel? You’re the wheel. That’s something! But now, it’s not enough. Let’s be honest, things were only going to ever end one way. Once a better, cleaner, more acceptable alternative came around, *and it has*, your days were numbered. Try to take solace in the fact that you never had a chance at survival, rather than what could’ve been for your disgusting reign. Yes, the rest of us still have some work to do. Nobody is perfect. But we’re clear improvements on you. For now, that’s enough. Enjoy the rest of your days drying up and cracking into useless, flaky bits in cheap hotels and forgotten campers across America. Regards, Body Wash &#x200B; \*\*\* Dear Body Wash, Imagine my surprise at receiving a letter from you! Not only because it had been so long since we’d last chatted, but because all of the words were spelled correctly. A first! It’s nice to hear that you seem to be doing well. Although, one wonders how fulfilled your days must be, with time and energy to send such a drab and transparent letter. In that letter you even reference “having work to do”. Wouldn’t that be more worthwhile? Then again, who am I to challenge you!? I am but the lowly harbinger of everything you’ve ever achieved and will eventually lose. While it’s clear you are able to acknowledge that fact, the immature lack of respect for, or analysis of, that acknowledgement is why you are the way you are. Go ahead, decry my words as the ramblings of a forgotten leader still living in the past. I don’t take it personally. I just shake my head at the eventual hypocrisy you will be confronted with. You tell me I was never a “permanent solution”. While I don’t necessarily disagree, I am the original, and I am still around. One of those things you will never be. The other? That remains to be seen. Are you the “permanent solution”? You may be arrogant, but you’re not *that* stupid. You’ve seen the body wash, shampoo, conditioner combos. Seems like a logical next step, and a "clear improvement", eh? Try to take solace in the fact that you had a moment in the sun, rather than how brief and forgettable that moment was. Best, Bar Soap *P.S.