text: The Vidal Sassoon killer is not a story of a simple killer. On the contrary, this is the story of an artist, a visionary, and a person who understands beauty more than all of the Renaissance artists put together. Oh, the person is a complete psychopath, but the brief moment when you don't realize someone is dead is like a gift for your eyeballs. The Vidal Sassoon killer struck first when roadkill was discovered on the side of the road, with a messy two-tone bob and superb use of hair dye and sculpting mousse. Drivers would stop and stare in awe as they passed by the roadkill. "I never had unnatural feelings for roadkill before, until today," one passerby was reported in the local newspaper as saying. When a ferret was discovered dead with a new, intriguing take on the bob in the early 1990s, the Vidal Sassoon killer upped his notoriety. A young Jennifer Aniston passed by the dead ferret and couldn't take her gaze away from the ferret's gorgeous locks. The next month, Jennifer Aniston got a role on the hit television show "Friends," and this haircut became known as "the Rachel." It wasn't until the year 2000 that the Vidal Sassoon killer finally escalated to human corpses. The police never confirmed whether the Vidal Sassoon killer was ever present at the site when Betty Connors, 84, died of natural causes. Nevertheless, the style was exquisite, using chunky highlights with colored extensions layered in what would become the hairstyle of the early 2000s. Only the Vidal Sassoon killer could make the dead look this gorgeous. According to Betty's obituary, "Betty had no style nor grace her entire life, but in the end, she was a work of art. When she died, it was the best she ever looked." A few years later, Sandra Tattersall died in a car accident after hitting a tree in the middle of the night. Who would come along just 10 minutes later? The Vidal Sassoon killer, that's right. This time, they would take some risks and use dreadlocks to accentuate her face. Even though her face had been crushed by the steering wheel, you couldn't deny that her hair was stunning. The "period of the dreadlock" began in the following years. Celebrities, teenagers, pot-smoking uncles, and Labrador Retrievers all began wearing their hair in dreadlocks. Over the next 10 years, the Vidal Sassoon killer would be killing it... at the salon. The dip dye ombre', the beachy waves look, and even the more casual half-up bun we're all stumbled upon at funerals. When Greg Mitchell fell off a roof while trying to fix a leak in 2013, the Vidal Sassoon killer went to work on what became known as "the return of the ponytail." While Greg Mitchell was on display, a young pop singer named Ariana Grande drove by his house. It wasn't revolutionary by any means, but it was just absolutely beautiful. For the rest of the decade, her ponytail would be her signature style. Many in the industry would bow to the Vidal Sassoon killer by 2015. A stylist in Los Angeles went on the record to say that if the Vidal Sassoon killer came into her salon tomorrow, not only would she not turn them in, but she would let them style her hair. It was late in 2018, and the Vidal Sassoon killer had not struck for quite some time. Late one night, there was a call that came in that a homicide had taken place. The police arrived on the scene and spotted a person in the shadows creating what they would be called a masterpiece. It was called the shag cut. Not only did it inspire celebrities such as Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, Billie Eilish, and Lizzo, but the police refused to relocate the body, leaving it on display for two weeks until removing it due to the smell. Everything, however, would come crashing down in 2022. Ethel Lancer had died of a heart attack in the cardiac ward of New York-Presbyterian Hospital. The nurses had closed the door to her room for mere minutes, but it only took the Vidal Sassoon killer a few seconds to complete their next piece. It was an attempt to resurrect the beehive, but it failed. One nurse threw up in her mouth a little bit at the thought of wearing a beehive. The industry pounced on the Vidal Sassoon killer. "The Vidal Sassoon killer is a monster!" was a popular headline. "You've lost your mind, the beehive!" "Vidal Sassoon? More Fantastic Sams; when will the police arrest this person?" According to sources close to the case, the Vidal Sassoon killer may have hung up the scissors, dipped that comb in the blue water for the final time, and turned off the light in that mirror for good. The story of the Vidal Sassoon killer was one of beauty and horror, of art and spectacle. It was a story of a person who had been driven to the brink by their obsession with creating something beautiful, no matter the cost. However, I don't think The Vidal Sassoon Killer ever killed anyone. The works of art were performed on people who had already died. Is it a crime, then, to style the hair of a dead person against the will of their loved ones? Oh yeah, it's totally a crime; if caught, the Vidal Sassoon killer would serve major time.