text: Sometimes I thought about cutting myself open. Not in a simple way, but more in a dramatic medieval way. Rarely did I go to bed not imagining myself bearing my stomach open with a kitchen knife. But I couldn’t. I won’t. I tried to trace the beginnings of you, the soreness that I couldn’t sleep off. I thought of Cass, the way I choose to be friends with someone who emotionally scarred her. I couldn’t understand it either, as I attentively listened to their shitty screenplay idea, why I was so dumb. Maybe it was our history. Maybe I was too desperate not to lose anyone at all. Who cares what type of person they are? I don’t wanna be cold ever. Wait, wait, just wait. I got it! My parents divorce. I could feel the foundation breaking, oh ever so slowly. I cried so hard, and I tried to breathe, I really did, but nothing came in. Everything poured out. I couldn’t stand myself weeping, not even having the decency to just cry. I couldn’t. I won’t ever feel like this, I can’t. As I sat outside on the porch listening to my dad strategizing to gain my love, I felt it. Maybe crouching at the back of my mind, watching, but I felt you. Now, my parents are okay. They’ve started talking actually, I live with my mom, I even live down the road from my fucking dad. Everything is better, really. So, why is it leading me here? You aren't here anymore. I was wrong, you aren’t here. There’s nothing here anymore to mourn, but I still wanna let my stomach fall out. Cass would tell me to reach out to my friends. “People care, and you know that. Don’t act dumb.” Okay, I know. Now why can I just pick up the phone and shoot a text? It’s in my hand now, but my finger won’t hover over my contacts. I can’t. I’m staring at the keyboard but I can’t type anything to you Cass. I’d rather scroll through all the emojis then tell you hi. I’d rather look through all of YouTube’s trendingThere’s just no way I’m sending that. The message is all right there, begging to go somewhere. “Hey. How are you?” It’s not going anywhere. It never will. I couldn’t get anywhere I wanted either. Yes, the salutatorian was 19 with no college aspirations on the horizons. Right? Nobody’s more shocked than me. I can’t even imagine visiting my old school out of shame. Maybe nobody cared at the family parties, but oh the embarrassment of just existing was starting to overflow. Those small little moments of pure silence where it’s all just me allowed my soul to flood. Here it is, all of these whirling emotions forming red hot in my chest. No. You’re more than that. My silent self, you’re that void that makes a lot, man. A nothingness that makes me feel too much. I hit send. The blood in my body became hot and I became so dizzy. I let myself think that you could really respond. Maybe you would say something, anything. Oh, just the thought was enough. But after a week I couldn’t delude myself any further. If you were here you wouldn’t let me either. When I was driving I saw the wheel moving, saw the road and ran the red light, but I didn’t. So much of nothing fills me up, leading me. Dissociation they call it, but I’m all here. Were you always there? I wonder. Intrusive thoughts, they say, are best to be pushed out with more positive thinking. But you’ve intruded on everything. This body’s not mine to begin with. An abandoned bridge, huh. I see the sleeping bags under, and wonder if I should leave. Oh, you stamped that out. Phew, a little careless there man. You almost let me back in for a second. I’m staring down again and I feel myself again, oh all those thoughts of family and friends wont stop this. I can’t imagine a future with me, nothing will save me. And I felt it. Or rather, I felt all of them. The little holes and slices whoever put into me until I felt nothing anymore. I turned halfway around before I slumped down the ground grasping at my back, seeing them dig through my pockets. They’re satisfied with their work, and I watch them stumble to my car. Good on you for taking the initiative. Oh, I’m so hot. It doesn't feel like October anymore. Thank god. It’s all starting to dawn on me now, I’m leaving. No. No no no. I can’t. I won’t. You can’t make me. I clutch my hands so tight, oh so desperate now. I’m empty handed. You’re here too right. I know you're here. Not so smug now, huh. We’re both so desperate, proudly weeping for anything to happen. I guess we lose, and I’m trying to find some peace to be made, for us, I really am. Kinda funny how instant this regret isn’t it, but at least we wont have to deal with each other anymore. Let me go. Leave me alone now.