text: "Why did you give Gertrude the Baker a bat as a familiar?" Esmeralda asked, placing her pointed hat on her desk and leaning back in her chair. Her silvery curls spilled out, framing her sharply featured face. I shrugged and gave her my winning smile. "It was her arms," I said. "They were the flabbiest I'd ever seen and she wouldn't stop waving them around and shrieking in excitement. Boom. Bat familiar, perfect match." A column of swirling smoke rose from her pipe as she held it between her teeth. "It seems you didn't think about the fact that she is in the free-range child business, did you?" She said. "With that giant bat flopping all around it's scaring the kids away. She's only been able to lure two kids into her shack since then and they've been goth kids. Do you know how much extra work they require to prepare, removing all the piercings and so on?" "I'm sorry Miss Esmeralda," I murmured. "Next time I'll consider a puppy, or a predatory balloon." "By Hecate, I swear!" she replied, sparks flying from her pipe to mirror her frustration. "Puppies turn to slavering dogs, Float-a-chokes would eat her supply of brats. Last month you give nearly blind sorcerer a snake as a companion. He mistook it for his wand and got bit a week later." "Everyone makes mistakes," I said. "He had a problem with rats eating his potion ingredients. I thought it would help." " He died , Oswald," she snapped. "Familiars and Friends has been in business for over a thousand years, and this is the first time we've ever been sued. If I lose the company my grandfather founded, I'll banish you to one of Neptune's moons, I swear it! Now go clean the kennels before the next client comes in." I lowered my gaze and slunk out of her office. Okay, so maybe some of my matches have resulted in fires, businesses going under, and the occasional death - they all seemed like good ideas at the time. Perhaps they would have been better matches if it were not for the familiars being used in spells and their dark workings. They were seen as tools, little more. Maybe if they spent the time to become friends and communicate, things would turn out a little differently. Maybe that entire suburb wouldn't have been shifted into another dimension. With bucket and mop in hand I made my way through the stone and mortar halls, scrubbing down the pens and taking ample time to scratch a black cat behind the ears and dispense treats to the otherwise squirmy and neglected sorts. Through my patrols and scouring I finally came across a large door - the largest and heaviest of the lot. Runes of warning were carved into it, flashing red, and four massive locks kept it held shut. Even the faded streaks of blood and desperate claw marks pulling into it would frighten off most. But I couldn't help but smile as I entered, and before I could even put my keys away I was met with a deep and thunderous snarl like the coming of a great storm, a snarl that seemed to echo with the dark and ominous incantations. "Muckle!" I said throwing my arms wide. "Good to see you too!" The hellbeast crouched in the corner of the room, with a coat as black as coal and a single eye on the right side that smoldered red like the heart of flame itself. The other eye had been lost when he had eaten his first handler, and the next few didn't last so well either. But he and I always seemed to get along well enough. Cleaning up after Muckle, however, was about as easy as you would expect for a ravenous, strictly carnivorous, dog almost as large as a horse. He came to Familiars and Friends when he was just a puppy, and was thought to be some street mutt. It wasn't until he made a meal of Jasper the Beastmaster that they became suspicious of his true nature. Strangely enough, the scent of sulfur didn't give him away sooner. Muckle picked up a gnawed fragment of a ribcage and plodded over to me and dropped his offering at my feet, unleashing a gale of fetid breath as he tried to lick me. "Who didja bring me here," I asked. "Is that a bit of... old Samuel? How sweet of you, sharing with me." I gave him a good scratch behind the ears and rested my head against his muzzle. He was a gentle enough spirit once you got to know him, and put aside his history of devouring those who displeased him - and my love for him wasn't feigned. I think he knew it, too, with affectionate snarling and snapping when I drew near. I felt like he understood me, almost as much as I understood him. A sudden crackling filled the air, and a nasally voice spilled from the wooden speaker in the corner of the room. "Oswald, a new client has entered admissions," said Janice the secretary. "I'll be back soon," I said to muckle, giving him a pat on the snout before rushing out the door. I stashed my mop and bucket in the closest and paused by the window which opened into a room enchanted to look like a meadow where our bunnies hopped joyfully. We in the business called it the rabbitat. Okay, maybe only I called it that, but I couldn't deny my own cleverness. I focused more on my reflection in the window and made myself presentable before rushing off towards the entrance. I staggered in, winded, and finding a young lady sitting at the table. She seemed lost in her thoughts, absently twirling a lock of her long, saphire hair around her fingers. "Pleasure to meet you," I said, introducing myself. She stood and gave a faint curtsy, keeping her eyes down. "My name is Misty," he spoke softly. "I'm hoping you can help me find a proper familiar." "Tell me what it is that you do, and we'll find you what you need!" I said in my usual spiel. "well, I am an apprentice botanist, I spend a lot of time outdoors to find ingredients for potions for my masters," she said. "Anything that could help would be nice." I tapped by finger to my chin and nodded a few times as ideas flitted about my head like moths hypnotized by a lamp. "Well then," I said confident in my conclusions - as I always was. "Let's go on and find you a familiar!" I led Misty through the warrens and introduced her to a number of our more outdoorsy and mild familiars. "Meet Sir Stetchen! He's covered in dangerous needles, can burrow, and loves nature," I said, holding out a small hedgehog in cupped hands. "This one was bred for the spines to be venomous!" Her eyes soften and a faint smile pulled at her lips, which was the most of a reaction that I had gotten from her. I had thought for sure that the swarm of carnivorous butterflies would have been a good match - clearing away any insects from the herbs she thought, as well as handling any ungentlemanly gentlemen or enemies she may have earned. But instead, she sighed and moved along. If Sir Stetchen could get a reaction, however, maybe one of the other rodents could catch her attention. "How do you feel about... Bunnies?" I asked. Part of me felt as though it would be a poor choice, considering they might eat the plants she sought but surely he wouldn't be responsible for burning down a library this time. Damn, bunnies were too flammable for such little things, and some warlocks used far too many candles in their rituals. Misty shrugged. "It wouldn't hurt to meet them." "Excellent," I said as I lead her down the hall I had been cleaning earlier. "Maestro Llipa can turn into multiple rabbits when frightened, but always pulls back together after a few moments. Great amusement, but the cleanup can... can." I found the words knotting up in my throat as my eyes traced the pawprints that were sunk into the stone, leading to the splintered door that led into the rabbit. I looked through the window to find Muckle sitting there among the illusionary daisies, a tatter of white fluff hanging from his mouth, a contrast of his ebon coat. He let out one of his snarls and the glass of the window rattled and quaked as if it could break at any moment. "Let's ah... go back over there shall we?" I said with concerned joviality, but Misty stood planted firmly at the window. "He's... perfect," she said, her amber eyes growing wide. "I would have never guessed you to have a black shuck in your possession, considering... well, you know." I nodded knowingly because I did indeed know. I knew better than old Samuel and so many others who met their fate in Muckle's maw. Misty turned to me, brimming with excitement. It was the most emotion she had shown since they had met. "Bring the paperwork," she said, then crooked a beckoning finger towards Muckle, who bounded out of the door with such force that he slammed against the opposing wall, which brought a bright peal of laughter from Misty. "Come with me," I said, swallowing hard as I led them back towards the office. My quill swung back and forth, sending little flecks of black ink all hither and thither as I nervously eyed Muckle who had resigned himself to sitting in the corner, growling and staring straight ahead with his glaring red eye as he typically did in his kennel. He always seemed to favor corners. "Alright," I said as I pushed the vellum forward. "Sign and date here, here and... initials here... rune of binding and drop of blood there... Alright, by the power vested in me by Zavrael the Bitter Lord, I pronounce you Witch and Familiar." Misty craned her head back and beamed a smile at Muckle, who let out a snarl that would curdle milk. I could have warned her about that, maybe it would have changed her mind. But with my luck, it would turn out that she preferred her milk curdled, or devils forbid, was lactose intolerant. I didn't know if my sadness was because I knew that she was inevitably going to be eaten by the beast, or because Muckle was leaving. I had watched him grow from a small sulfurous whelp to the magnificent young shuck that he was now. Mop, feed, scoop the poop, mop, repeat. Unfortunately, none of the furry friends - or their poops - were as interesting as my dear friend. It felt like just yesterday he spilled out of the crate filled with straw and a deer carcass. The smell never quite improved, but our bond flourished. The familiar sound of static filled the air, and I picked up the bucket in preparation to head to admissions. But instead of Janice expected droning, Esmerelda's voice boomed overhead, taking me off guard. "Oswald to my office - NOW !" I dropped my bucket in a strike of fear, and slowly made my way up the stairs, dread boiling in my guts like a cauldron full of poison. Esmerelda sat at her desk, pipe held so tightly in her teeth it seemed like she would bite through it as she sat blowing a column of sparkling red smoke. "The demon-damned Black Shuck ?!" She snapped through her clenched teeth. "I thought that I had that thing put to sleep. You thought it was a brilliant idea to sign it off as a familiar? You're more of a fool than I thought." "She was fully aware of what Muckle is," I said defiantly. "He seemed to take quite a liking to her." Esmeralda rolled her eyes. "Of course he did. He was trying to get her guard down so he could eat her, no doubt!" I wrung my hands and furtively looked around her desk for a report. "Did he eat her?" I asked, not finding any such indication that he had. "Not yet, but it's only a matter of time! We'll have to close our doors for good when it happens." She reached into her desk and slammed a small bag of coins on the table with such force that a few bounced free and rolled across the floor. "Take this, it's your last pay. Get out of here before you do any more damage." I stared at the coin purse, taken by chill despite the warmth of my blushing cheeks. I had never felt so shamed, failing despite my best efforts. Everything felt I did felt like the right thing to do. Unable to find the proper words, I took my pay and tried to not look too pitiful as I reached for the escaped coins and left. She was right. It was a bad decision to sign Muckle up as a familiar. I walked the busy streets, bundles of parchments detailing my history and talents tucked under my arm. It was difficult to find work in the line of matchmaking and beast tending. Even more so when you left a swath of destruction in your wake. Screams roused me from my grousing, and I looked up to see a crowd of frantic faces as the people charged towards me with little disregard for the fact that they knocked me square on my back. Before I could even right myself, a massive presence bounded upon me. It's sharply clawed paws pinned my shoulders down and all I could see was a great maw of dagger like fangs opening before me. Sulfurous breath choked me, and I was fairly certain I could see the decaying remnants of a hand in the back of its throat. I always knew my death would involve getting eaten by a beast or monster, but I always suspected it would be in the line of duty, not being ripped apart in the streets. But the maw of fangs did not close around me. I craned my head around to see a solitary red eye glaring at me menacingly. "Muckle?" I asked incredulously. "Is that really you?" The beast let out a strange snarl that echoed with thunder and familiar incantations. I laughed and reached up to run my fingers through his coarse black fur. "It's lovely to see you, too!" "Sir? Sir, are you still alive?" asked a young woman running up to where I lay pinned. "Oh, I know you, you're the gentleman who helped me meet Muckle!" "Naturally," I said, beaming a smile at Misty who extended her hand to help me onto my feet. "He's been better at going after people, but I knew something was important when he bounded through the streets towards you. He didn't even stop to torment the children as he loves to do," She gave Muckle a pat on the back and returned my smile. "I can't thank you enough. With him as my familiar, I've gone about a change career." "I fear that has culminated in quite the same for me," I replied offhand. "But it brings me joy that he is helping you." Muckle let out a snarl and nuzzled Misty. "I've come to think of him more as my emotional support monster than a familiar," she said. "And then it made me realize, why don't I start a home for misplaced monsters and those who need them?" I looked at the two of them, Muckle seeming happier than I'd ever known, and Misty who moved and spoke with a newfound passion, rather than the haunting distance she kept before. "The only thing is that they tend to frighten and scare people away. It's been rather hard finding good help," she continued. My eyes grew wide and I looked around for my resume, finding a copy on the ground I lifted it up. It had gotten sullied and a little worse for wear from Muckle's tackle. However, it bore his pawprint in the middle. I handed the parchment to Misty, who chuckled. "It looks like you have quite the mark of recommendation," she said with a twinkle in her amber eyes. "Let's get started, I have some unhatched terrorantula eggs that will need a lot of care patience - and a loving parent once they hatch."