text: Francoch Ratta, a 27-year-old New Yorker of Irish-Italian descent, woke up one morning to find he had a peculiar sensation. It was as if someone, or something, was watching him. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but it was a feeling that wouldn't go away, no matter how hard he tried to shake it off. He went about his day as usual, working at the pub that served beer and pizza, exercising, drinking, and even dating girls. But the feeling persisted, and it was starting to affect his daily life. Especially his secret love of rodents. A.K.A. Mouses and rats. Francoch's love for rodents had always been a secret passion of his, something he indulged in during his lonely nights working at the pub. He would often sneak out back and leave scraps of pizza for the rats, enjoying the way they scurried up to him, their little noses twitching in excitement. But as his paranoia began to take hold, Francoch's love turned to fear. He couldn't shake the feeling that the rats were watching him, judging him. He started having nightmares about hordes of rats swarming over the city, devouring everything in their path. He began to see rats everywhere, lurking in the shadows and scurrying along the streets. Francoch's fear became so all-consuming that he couldn't even stand to be in the same room as a rodent. He stopped leaving scraps of pizza out for the rats, and instead started trapping them and releasing them far away from the city. He even went so far as to install a rat trap in his apartment, convinced that they were trying to invade his home. But despite all his efforts, Francoch couldn't shake the feeling that the rats were closing in, and he was the only one who could stop them. Francoch's paranoia began to manifest in some truly peculiar ways. For example, he started insisting that his coworkers wear mouse ears while they worked, claiming that it would throw off any potential rodent spies. He also began sneaking around the pub at night, armed with a broom and a can of Raid, convinced that the rats were plotting against him. But perhaps the strangest behavior of all was Francoch's sudden obsession with cheese. He would hoard chunks of cheddar and gouda in his locker, convinced that they were the key to winning over the rodent overlords. He even went so far as to start experimenting with different types of pizzas, convinced that he could create the perfect cheese-based offering to appease the rats. Of course, his coworkers and friends thought he had lost his mind, and they started to distance themselves from him. But Francoch was convinced that he was the only one who could save humanity from the rodent uprising. Little did he know, the true twist of his story was yet to come... As the days went by, Francoch's paranoia grew, and people started to avoid him. He didn't know what to do. Francoch never considered therapy as an option for his increasing paranoia and fear. For one, he didn't want to admit to anyone, not even a therapist, that he had a secret love for rodents. He was afraid of being judged or labeled as weird or crazy. He believed that he could handle his fear and paranoia on his own and didn't want to expose himself to strangers. Additionally, Francoch didn't believe that therapy would be effective for him. He thought that therapy was just for people with serious mental illnesses and that his fear of rodents was just a quirk that he could eventually overcome. He also believed that therapy would be a waste of time and money, and he didn't want to spend his hard-earned cash on something that he felt wouldn't help him. Francoch had just finished up his shift at the pub and was headed home, still feeling that eerie sense of being watched. As he walked down the dark alley behind the pub, he heard a scurrying sound and quickly turned around, only to be met with the cold, hard surface of an iron pan to the head. He blacked out, falling to the ground with a thud. As Francoch lay unconscious, he heard one of his assailants saying "Well, that's one way to make a pizza delivery". That night, before he could leave for the institution, Francoch was knocked unconscious. As Francoch slowly came, he found himself in a strange underground chamber, surrounded by glowing lights and strange machinery. His head was pounding and his vision was blurry, but he could make out the silhouette of a small mouse standing in front of him. "What the... where am I?" Francoch mumbled, trying to sit up. "You're in our underground laboratory, my friend," a mouse said in a surprisingly deep and serious voice. "We've been keeping an eye on you, and we knew that your increasing paranoia was putting you in danger. So, we decided to intervene." Francoch's eyes widened in shock. "What. The. Fu...?" "Calm down my boy. No need to go crazy for you are not crazy. Yes, what you are seeing before you is none other than a member of the Mus musculus species, a mouse. Yours truly, Dr. Mauso Mousinsky, at your service. My apologies for the rough treatment but we had to act fast. We couldn't let you continue down that dangerous path with your paranoia." The mouse said solemnly. When he woke up, he was greeted by a cute little mouse doctor and a big bodyguard rat at the side of the doctor. They were still the size of normal rodents. The reason for all this madness was something right out of an absurdist comedy. There was a colony of super-intelligent rats and mice living underground in New York, and they loved Francoch because he always gave them pizza. "What the...where am I?" "You're in our underground colony, Francoch. We've been keeping an eye on you and we're glad you're finally awake." "You mean...you're not just regular rats? You're... super-intelligent rats?" "Bingo. And let me tell you, you're one lucky human. We're the only reason you're alive right now." "What do you mean? Something happened?" "Well, let's just say things went a little...nuclear. But don't worry, we've got everything under control down here. You're safe with us." After he recovered and spoke with the rodents, something wonderful happened. Francoch paranoia disappeared for he was right about being watched. Francoch became friends with the rodents that he loved so much. After some time had passed underground, he asked if he could go back to the surface. The rats looked at each other as if they wanted to tell him something uncomfortable. Dr. Mauso Mousinsky, the mouse doctor, told him, "Uhm, Francoch, we're sorry to say this, but there's nothing up there anymore. Sorry for not telling you earlier." Francoch was shocked, "WHAT?! WHAT HAPPENED?!" Dr. Mauso Mousinsky continued, "Well, you see when we knocked you out and brought you here, we did it to save you... Humans have been going crazy with war lately. Specifically the USA and Russia. The president of the USA told in a public press conference that he banged the Russian leader's mom and that he enjoyed that ass. The Russian leader didn't take it well. Our last recording of the Russian leader heard him saying "Rush B Cyka Blyat" and a nuke was dropped on New York. The only reason that you are alive is because of our extremely advanced technology and security defense. Sorry dude." Francoch said, "Oh rats!" as he realized that the only friends he had left were the super-intelligent rats and mice living underground. He may have loved rodents, but this was not the kind of rat society he had in mind. In the end, Francoch said the following: "Well, at least I can make pizza."