text: &#x200B; Vincent had been confident in his abilities. He’d even trained in a private secondary school for promising mage candidates, with top marks in all subjects and an award of excellence in written conjurations. The examiners were all expecting a powerful familiar to appear before them, like a dragon, a unicorn, maybe even a powerful demon--frowned on but still not unheard of. So, as he stood over his immaculately drawn summoning circle, amber eyes squinting against the braziers billowing green smoke where moments ago, there had been roaring green and red flames, he was absolutely mortified by what had appeared in the center: a middle aged man in sweatpants and a baggy shirt, partially covered in small dark brown stains. He was squatting close the ground and smoking a cigarette that emitted an offensive, spicy odor. He took a long look around the gathering, stopping briefly on each of the examiners, scanning over the small crowd of other hopefuls, and eventually landing his gaze on Vincent. He blew an eye-watering cloud of spicy smoke at him. “Eh, yeah, alright. Why not?” He stood slowly and tamped the cigarette under his heavy boot. He ran a hand through his greasy black hair and shook out what appeared to be small bits of glass. He was shorter than Vincent and in spite of the currently shabby attire, you could imagine him working in a quiet corner shop somewhere. He had a laid-back air about him, but every mage there could sense the strain he put on the magic surrounding him. “Uhhh...” Vincent turned toward the examiners for help, but they were looking expectantly at him. He gathered himself up, squared his shoulders, and demanded imperiously, “Creature from beyond the veil, you are bound by my magic to render your services unto me. Speak your name and submit or be cast into the void!” He thought he sounded very professional there. The examiners were nodding approvingly. “Cool deal, buddy. I’m Chad. Pleased to render services unto whatever.” Chad looked around the well-kept lawn and large, white, popup pavilion. It reminded him of the sort you would see at an outdoor wedding in a picturesque field advertising rental availability for weddings and funerals. Unknown to him, but very know to the rest, after an especially large dragon summoning tore a hole in the covered amphitheater, they had moved the ceremony onto the front lawn. Past some lingering scorch marks on the grass, he could see a sign that read: Lestren University. Vincent pulled on his lapels and drew in a deep breath. He had worn his best blue suit for this. It had taken him hours to prepare, mentally and physically, for this entire ceremony. He had spent a considerable time getting his red hair to radiate just the right level of humility and confidence. “I require your full name, creature.” “Ooooh,” Chad turned back from the sign with a sneer. “I’m so sorry. How could I have been so impolite. Especially, when you have me in a...” He gestured down at the ring of runes, “magic anime circle.” He kicked at some of the sand used to draw the circle, but it didn’t budge. A dark reddish sludge coated the ground where he slid his foot. Vincent was staring furiously at this mystery man’s cocky grin, which is precisely why he didn’t notice the examiners slowly backing away. “Hmm. Neat sand,” Chad conceded. Vincent had just begun to demand his full name a second time, when Chad spoke over him, “Chadwick. Digsby.” He took out another cigarette and lit it up. “What service you looking for? Usually, people use the phone when they need some cleanup.” “You’re a janitor?” “Mmmm, sure.” He took a long drag and then let it all out suddenly with a cough. “It’s not a sex thing is it?” He waved his hands in disgust in front of him, leaving a glowing trail behind his spicy cigarette. “I don’t do that stuff--especially not for a...” He narrowed his eyes at Vincent. “How old are you?” “No! Ew! What?” Vincent’s composure dissolved for a moment. His ears started turning red and he glanced around at the examiners and his peers, now finally realizing the examiners had backed away a good twenty feet. He gritted his teeth and resolved to make it through this, ignoring the desire to wipe the sweat beading up on his brow. “No.” Chad let out a long plume of smoke. “Whoof. You had me worried there for a second.” He went back to his squatted position and closed his eyes. “I’m all ears, kiddo. How can I help?” Vincent rearranged his suit, cleared his throat, and put all his effort into ignoring everything other than “Chad” in front of him. “I require you to serve as my personal familiar, from now until the day I see fit to dismiss you in good faith.” Chad quietly smoked his cigarette and deliberated the request. He shifted his weight from one leg to the other, his jaw cocked at a perplexed angle. “Good faith...?” Vincent had thought about how he would phrase this for a long time. He didn’t want to get into anything complicated, like something that would tempt an ill-tempered familiar into looking for loopholes. Instead, he had opted for a simple command that hinged on phrasing that, he believed at least, was hard to misinterpret. Another drag of the repulsive cigarette as he mulled it over. He didn’t really know what being a familiar entailed, but... “Does this job come with free food and housing?” “Yes?” “Can I get a day off every week to relax?” “Two days, but on call?” While Chad was speaking to him, his eyes were on the examiners, now a considerable distance away. He saw one of them mouth, “What the fuck?” Ah, they figured out what kiddo had gotten himself into. He felt kind of bad for the kid but smiled at the group’s discomfort. He had a strong distaste for authority figures. “Sounds good to me, kiddo!” He clapped and smoke blew from his nose. “Yeah, don’t call me kiddo.” Vincent raised his hands, fingers tracing complicated sigils in the air, and with a flourish, completed the ceremony. “Chadwick Digsby, the binding is complete!” “Nice. Hey, I could use a shower and a new shirt, if that’s cool.” Chad looked down and gave the circle another kick. This time the lines scattered like normal sand. The ceremony finally over, Vincent could finally feel the strain it had put on him. He was drenched in sweat and wobbled back from his small personal circle. He rubbed at his eyes and muttered, “I feel sleepy.” Then, pitched over onto the grass, passed out. Chad cackled and some of the other potential students started running across the lawn in various directions. The examiners looked horrified, but they were now surrounded by powerful beings from realities far beyond this one. His favorite was the willowy looking one with a pixie. The whole effect was adorable, seething, but adorable. “You know, he didn’t say I had to let any of you live,” he growled, dramatically waving his cigarette around. They all stood there a moment, line of professional mages and a lone man in sweats. Then, Chad tossed his cigarette aside. “Naw, I’m just kidding.” He bent down and hefted up the kid. “Who wants to give us a tour?” He wiggled an unconscious Vincent mockingly at the lot of them. The one with the pixie stepped forward, muttering under her breath, “My salary isn’t high enough to deal with this kind of shit.” She gave him a venomous smile and waved her hand in the direction of the campus, “Let me show you to the dorms.” Then, abruptly turning away from him with a scowl, she stomped across the lawn. “Rad,” and he followed after, looking forward to the kid’s body count. He didn’t see any reason he would be there otherwise. He was a “cleaner” after all.