text: In moments of panic, he found himself taking slow, and choppy deep breaths. “Remember what the self help book says, remember what the self help book says.... What the hell did it all say again?” Shaking the hands of family he had known since he was a baby, Franky smiled and laughed half heartedly. He hadn’t seen the lot of them in over 10 years. Around him, he gazed over the 20 plus people in the room, many of the younger ones he’d only seen in pictures. They all seemed to be having a good time, drinking and catching up like old friends do. Dressed in his only pair of nice clothes, Franky made an conscious effort to be engaged with small talk, however he couldn’t stop worrying about whether anyone had noticed his rather small fitting shirt, or that he’d cut his upper lip from shaving only an hour before this. The pain from the fresh sting somewhat kept him level headed from what was otherwise uncomfortable conversation. He was right to assume other people were curious. The scrape over his lip was a sure symbol of his old fighting ways. Needless to say, when he accepted the Christmas Party invitation this year, it wasn’t met without a fresh feed of family gossip. “Franky! We need someone to dress up as Santa for caroling. Would you do it, please!” Asked his favorite cousin Peggy, who was a little drunk at the time. “Oh, of course of course!” Franky responded with a nervous grin, which was easily read by the older women in the room. Before they had a chance to chime in their wisdom, Franky was off to the bathroom, costume in hand. As he disappeared from the main party room, a few of the older Aunts and Uncle’s huddled around together. “Hey, would one of you want to go with Franky and the kids.” Aunt Sherri asked to the group. “I can’t go, I don’t have the right shoes. Maybe one of the men can go. I’m sure Joe would” responded Aunt Maggie, looking around for her husband. “Wait, why are you so worried?” Dean broke in. ‘We’re in the Golden Estates with 24 hour security surveillance? He’ll be fine, and plus Tommy will be there. He’s got a cell phone.” “Well, I’m just concerned you know. We haven’t seen Franky in years, and I just don’t know. I’d sure feel a lot better if one of the men went with him. “Well I’m watching the turkey, but you can try your luck with one of the guys.” Dean chuckled while he said this as the rest of the women looked to the patio. Huddled around the table on the patio was a large bowl of spiked egg nog. Sherri could see her husband Bill with Uncle Joe in the back. They had just lit cigars “How do I look?” Standing underneath the mistletoe by the fire place, Franky stood fully dressed in the bright red Santa Suit. He looked unrecognizable with the thick white beard, and seemed to be standing taller than before, his posture improved. The Aunts and Uncles began responding in unison. “You look great! Oh my god!” “Kids! Come look, Santa is here!” Smiling, Franky felt different now all of the sudden. He wasn’t wearing the small shirt, and didn’t need to force any small talk. It was as if his previous insecurities had been draped in love. All of his nieces and nephews, the ones he had missed seeing over the holidays ran up to him and gave him a hug like it was the first time they were meeting. It was way he’d day dreamed it to be. Picking up Shane, the youngest of the boys, he carried him under his arm, making it look easy. Seeing the smiling faces of everyone pointed towards him, Franky finally felt that sense of home he hadn’t seen since he was 16 years old. After he lost his Mom to drugs, he’d fight a 10 year battle with addiction, missing birthdays, phone calls, and annual Christmas parties. This was the first year he’d been back. All of the emotions of guilt and shame flowed through him in a moment of release and ecstasy. Picking up each one of his nephews and nieces in the air, he attempted an emphatic “Ho, Ho, Ho’ which made everyone laugh and cheer. “Alright kids, you ready to caroling ?” Franky gathered the kids together who were now putting on their jackets and gloves in excitement. They could finally get to use some of that high energy they’d gotten from all of the Christmas cookies. “Yeah!” As Franky put on his black gloves, Aunt Sherri reached out and grabbed his hand. She wasn’t sure what she was going to say, until they caught each others gaze. Hesitating, Sherri paused a moment before looking into her Nephews deep blue eyes. The same eyes as his mothers. “Yes, Aunty Sherri.” Franky asked their hands still tied. “Your mother would be proud.” Hugging her Nephew, they held each other tight for a moment, before Franky had to lead the small troupe out down the street of their 10 house culdesak. Walking out the door, the family wished the carolers well as they exited into the cold of the winter night. Closing the door behind them, was their once youngest nephew Franky. He was finally home.