text: Life is one road block after another. The trick is to maneuver around them. When all else fails, just drive over them. Sure, most of them you can't drive over, but continue smashing your life against them until the engine explodes and you are expelled in pieces all over the road. That way, you can say you made a statement about life. Also, when someone has to come and pick up your guts and excrement off the road, you can think from beyond the grave "Ha Ha! I did that! Sucker! Boooooo." And then you can drive off in your cloud car. *Risk* You will never achieve anything unless you take risks. That doesn't mean you will achieve great things, it just means you will be kinda bored without risks. For instance, if you jump on a landmine to save a bunch of your friends, you are risking death, but if the landmine doesn't explode, you will survive and be a hero. And for what? Because of a technical error that some terrorist made. You didn't really do anything but take a risk. Then you get home from the war and everyone applauds you and you feel great. But then your cable goes out because of another technical error and you think "Oh, the irony." But it's not really ironic and you're just sitting there calling Comcast and bitching, then someone throws a grenade at you and you die. And for what? *Birthdays* Birthdays only come once a year, and that's good. If they came more than that there'd be some people that could drink at like nine years old and that would be bad. Or, like some people could get sent off to war at age six. There'd be this drunk nine year old on the battlefield just because he had three birthdays a year. And then that kid gets shot to death and everyone decides to dumb down the birthdays. The President proclaims "No more multiple birthdays - not on my watch!" And everyone cheers and the President is like better than Abraham Lincoln for all the children he saved. Then he goes home and cracks a beer and feels a little empty about life. So, then he runs naked on the White House lawn and everyone thinks he's crazy. Then another President comes along and reinstates multiple birthdays and everyone is happy all over again. That's how the world works. Seriously. It's stupid. The world is stupid. Plus birthdays. *Cell Phones* It's weird how everyone talks on cell phones now. And a lot of the time they will use Bluetooth and it will look like they are talking to themselves. Then you start thinking they are crazy. But then you realize they are on Bluetooth: they are just talking to their friend. But then you think about all the homeless people you saw before Bluetooth and how you thought they were crazy and it turns out they were just innovators and had Bluetooth before anyone. Then you think about why homeless people would have Bluetooth before anyone when they have no money. Then you get a wise idea and quit your job thinking you will acquire future technology somehow by being homeless. But you don't. And you say all of this out loud and people think you're crazy, but then you tap your ear and say Bluetooth. That's probably the cleverest thing you have ever done. Be proud. *Sorrow* Losing someone is very painful. A good thing to do is dress up in clown makeup for a good month. People will let it go, because you lost someone special. They will think that you are having a hard time and are trying to cope. But in truth, you are having the time of your life and learning new card tricks. Then start stealing from people. You can get away with this for a good month. Ride it. *Asia* Asia is like a major big deal. It's a continent, but it's like really big. I think it's the biggest one. But then I think that I'm wrong and that it's one of those tricks where someone pulls down their pants and exposes themselves to you and says "No, Antarctica is the biggest continent." And then you feel stupid. And violated. And lied to. Turns out Asia is the biggest continent and you just got flashed - now you really feel bad. Anyway, Asian people come from Asia. And I think panda bears live there. Vietnam might be there. Yep. It is. That's Asia, baby. *Computers* Back in the olden days people thought that computers would like take over the world. Like they would be in front of everyone and just kinda brainwash them into reading stupid things all day and dressing stupid and caring about stupid things and then becoming totally stupid and worthless. I guess we showed them! *Love* Love is a tricky emotion. It can get you into a lot of hot water. Like when you love someone and they don't love you back and you get all mad and dress a bunch of squirrels up in rat costumes and let them lose in their house and then when they get mad, you pull off the costumes and show them that they are really just adorable squirrels, but then the squirrel bites you and you involuntarily fling the squirrel against the wall and break its head open and then you have these charges against you that make it sound like you enjoy crushing dead squirrels against walls as some message to an ex girlfriend about how you are going to get her, Judge. *Boredom* Boredom can get the best of us. You're just sitting around watching TV and it dawns on you that you are bored. You think about all the things you can do and none of them sound appealing. So you kinda just move into a different position on the couch and that quells your boredom for a second, but then it comes back. You think about getting up and going for a jog and this makes you laugh because you are 394 pounds and can barely get up, but you made yourself laugh so now you are not bored. But then you get over the joke that is your awful body and you are bored again. So, you reach behind the couch and grab one of the hoagie sandwiches you keep back there and you start eating it. But you eat too fast and you are bored again. So, then you get drunk and that fixes it until after you wake up and you're bored again. Boredom is a vicious cycle is what I'm saying. *Garage Sales* If you ever throw a garage sale, check to make sure you aren't selling gold for super cheap. Like you might think that that nine ounce ball of gold is useless, but it's not - it's gold. It's worth a lot of money. You can sell it for more than the nickle you are asking for. But, if I come by, you can sell it to me for a nickle. Just joking. I wouldn't do that to you. I would tell you it was gold. But then I'd kinda expect that you'd sell it and give me some of the money because that's prospecting on my part. *Divorce* There is nothing more unnatural and unholy than divorce. If you get a divorce you have failed at love. You should feel bad about divorce, you love murderer. *Winning* Winning is not everything. There are other things besides winning. Like scabies, grass, furniture, etc. I could go on all day. *Hatred* Hatred is actually a very maligned feeling. It can be a good thing. You can really get your energy up by hating people and then go for a good long hate jog. Or, eat a really big hoagie sandwich with all your hate fueling your jaws. But you should never take your hate out on other people. That is hateful. You don't want to be hateful, you want to be hatefueled. *Jealousy* An important thing to think about the next time you are jealous of someone is that whatever they have someone else has more of and the only person with everything is God. Can you be jealous of God? Sure you can. And God is way easier to attack, so you can just go out and start kicking trees and stepping on worms and know that you are hurting God and that hurt will trickle down to whomever you are jealous of. It might take awhile, though, so pack a lunch.