text: Samantha stood on the dock overlooking the lake soaking in the warm sun, focusing on the sounds of the boats out for a boat ride under the light of the moon. She volunteered to come early to the family's summer home to air out the rooms, uncover all the furniture and get it ready for the onslaught of her family. Samantha hadn't wanted to come, since she hadn't set foot in the house since that fateful summer 10 yrs. ago, but her mother insisted that they have her engagement party among their closest friends and her entire family. Engagement party, who would believe that she would ever get married. Samantha had avoided marriage like the plague; she never found a man who she loved more than a friend, but her mother kept asking her when she was going to get married, and she felt the social pressure to give in. Samantha finally met Jaden, who was like no other man she had ever met. He didn’t push her to have sex with him, or get married; but after 6 months of dating, they finally made love, which wasn’t what Samantha wanted, but he was a gentle lover, very respectful and so Samantha gave in. Maybe, she could eventually love him; he was the nicest guy she had ever met, so after dating for a year, he proposed, and Samantha said yes. Her family was over the moon and wanted to share the occasion with their good friends at the summer house. So here she was, standing on the dock where she had stood 10 yrs. ago when life threw her a curveball from which she felt she would never recover. Samantha had had an ongoing battle with her mother over many things throughout her life; not the least of which was why Samantha couldn’t be more like her older sister, Anna. Anna was all girl, loved to dress up in “girly clothes” as Samantha called them; was very popular with all the boys, and was a varsity cheerleader. Her brother, Tim, was oblivious to most things around him if it didn’t involve a football, so he was no help with her battles with her mother. Samantha was more like Tim; she was what many considered a tomboy. She was athletic and played softball and basketball from a young age and although she was popular, she never felt like she was like the other girls her age. All they talked about throughout high school was boys and Samantha felt there were other things more interesting than boys. The summer after her junior year in high school the family spent the entire summer at the lake like they did every summer since Samantha was 5yrs old. It started like every other summer. The usual families were there and as was the custom, the first Saturday was the first event of many that all the families would spend together. The party started like all the past parties had started; connecting with old friends who they hadn't seen since last summer; with one exception. One of her favorite people, Thomas, also Samantha's age, brought his cousin, Julia, who was visiting for the summer. Her parents were in the middle of a messy divorce and she needed a place where she wasn’t in the middle of battling adults. Julia was 17 yrs. old, a senior, played varsity softball and had a full scholarship to play for Oklahoma in the Fall. When Julia shook Samantha's hand, Samantha was taken by surprise by how it felt to shake her hand. It was that feeling that Samantha had felt many times in the past when she was around one of her best friends in middle school. She remembered how the feelings frightened her and so she stopped being friends with these girls. This experience repeated itself many times throughout her high school years with the same result- she stopped being friends with these girls. Her other girlfriends talked about these feelings, too, but they always were feelings they had for boys not girls. Now, here were those feelings again. She thought she was past those feelings; she was mortified. Samantha left the party immediately and vowed to stay away from this girl, but Julia had other ideas. She too had had the feeling when she shook Samantha’s hand and she made a point of tagging along with Thomas when he met Samantha at the boat dock the next day. The difference between Julia and Samantha was that Julia embraced and honored the feelings she was feeling. She knew that these feelings were sexual, and she loved the way the attraction felt. Her parents always encouraged her to be her own person and that included her sexual orientation. As hard as Samantha had tried to avoid Julia that summer, it was to no avail. What Samantha began to realize was that these were perfectly normal feelings to have, but not for other women. she made a point of never being alone with Julia until the last night of their summer stay. Samantha was on the dock, enjoying the last sights and sounds of the lake when someone called out, “Sam, is that you?” Samantha turned and saw Julia moving toward her and said, ‘” please don’t call me Sam, my name is Samantha.” Julia was taken aback, but it did not deter her, and she continued to walk toward Samantha. When they were close enough to touch, Julia leaned in and kissed Samantha on the mouth. At first, Samantha pulled away, and then gave in to what she was feeling and kissed Julia back. But when the feelings started bubbling up inside of her, she pulled away and ran down the dock toward home. That was the last time Samantha saw Julia, but the memory of that kiss haunted her for many years after that summer. Samantha spent the next 5 years sleeping with a guy after guy, trying to convince herself that she was straight and that Julia was just an anomaly; until she met Jaden and decided she could learn to love him. Today, she was standing on the dock, filled with memories of all those summers before, but especially the summer of meeting Julia, willing it out of her thoughts. She was jolted back to reality with someone calling her name. “Samantha, is that you”? As Samantha turned, there was Julia, more beautiful than ever, tan, elegant, sexy as hell walking toward Samantha. “What are you doing here?” Samantha asked. “Thomas told me you were having an engagement party this weekend, and I had to come to wish you well” Julia replied. Samantha was noticeably uncomfortable, fidgeting with her sweater and not making eye contact with Julia. “I have never stopped thinking about you,” Julia continued. “I have kept up with your career and hoped to see you again during the summers, but you never came back. “ Samantha was beyond understanding what was happening to her, but as Julia moved closer in an attempt to hug Samantha, she could no longer deny the feelings she was having. She knew then that all these years of avoiding women who frightened her with what she felt for them, was just her denying who she was and who she loved. She finally succumbed to the attraction she felt and as Julia was hugging her, she turned her head and kissed Julia, like she never had kissed anyone before. She was flooded with desire for Julia, but pulled away and just looked her in the eyes and said “If you would a still like to, you can call me Sam.” Julia laughed out loud and kissed Sam again, asking her to come with her to the boat dock so they could take the boat out for a midnight ride. Sam shook her head and said that she would be there in a minute but first she had to make a phone call. As Sam dialed Jaden’s number her hands were shaking. When he answered, she said, “Jaden, we need to talk.”