text: One would think the biggest problems encountered during the apocalypse would be staying hydrated, foraging for food or maybe even finding a not-so-dirty dick to sit on. But, in 2022, that wasn't the case. There was still a ton of food and water because most poeple had died from the virus, and the giant Costco's and Wal-Mart's and BJ's and Sam's clubs were still filled with miles of unperishables and dams full of unopened water bottles. We considered this the one consulation prize for being a capitalist society. The need to consume may have been the reason most of us perished, but atleast this abortion of capitalism was making up for it. In some areas, there was even still electricity due to the fact that before the year of death, some poeple actually still believed in solar and water power. Who knew it would actually pay off in the end. If only the republicans could see us now, too bad they were mostly dead. That's what happens when you're old, stubborn and don't wear a mask. Most of us that were still alive were considered immuned because after the first worldwide vaccination, old people started dropping like beats in a dupstep song. One after the other, after the other. It was right out of an Eli Roth film. Something in the new vaccine was making old people's hearts explode right out of their chests. Which would've been extremely tragic if there weren't so many tik tok videos about it. By Valentine's day of 2021, no one was getting money in their birthday cards. Grandsparents had gone extinct. To think that none of us would ever get an awkward, boney hug ever again. By St. Patricks day, poeple were remixing the videos on YouTube and even doing recreations and reaction videos. Which sounds vulgar, but it really was the only thing that was lightening the mood, at that point. We thought after that, the American gov't would finally take notice and try to use our scientists to create a better vaccine, but they just kept trying to figure out a way to get to Mars. A lot of ppl, including myself, think it was because all the billionaires were trying to abadon us underlings on the first day of 2021. Well, those scientists must not have been that great because the space shuttle blew up on ignition. It killed the entire executive and judicial branches of the gov't, as well as all of Silicon Valley. Now that was an anarchy party. Things got a little weird after that and the exploding hearts. Russia and China were in competition to finish the new vaccine, and finally, amongst all the tensions on April 20th, 2021, devastated, we ran out of weed. Oh, and they created a new vaccine. It was a bittersweet symphony just like the band the Verve said it would be, but since both countries were so huge and powerful, and our country had no discernable people in power. China and Russia decided to deliver the vaccine through the air attempting one of the biggest crop dusts is human history. Which probably would've worked had all of the crop-dusting tanks been cleaned properly before being filled with the vaccine juice. Something about the mixture of trace amounts of bug killer with the vaccine messed with the chemistry. By the time the second vaccine rained down upon us, it had somehow converted itself into a relentless supervirus. Killing everyone and everything that wasn't immuned. Turns out making me and my boyfriend take elderberry for no reason at all for all those years really wasn't the "waste of time" that someone thought it was. Roughly one in a thousand people seemed to be immuned. How both of us ended up alive together still weirds me out and is somewhat stressful if we ever decide to grow apart. But if the virus didnt get you outside, it eventually seeped through the window seals and got eveyone in their homes. Along with most of the plants and animals. Most everything was dead by the next day. But the worst part was all the weed, aka marijuana, aka the devil's crab grass, was gone. The one thing that we needed during these trying times beside food and water was Finito. Extinct. Justin and I looked everywhere, within a 100 ft square footage. Nothing. So what else does one do when they have no weed and all the free gas in the world. Motherfucking Road trip. Which would've been the juiciest of tits. But no one really emphasizes the importance of weed on a road trip. It's basically the whole reason they're fun. Otherwise it's just long periods of driving through nowhere with nothing more to say. Atleast on weed you can appreciate what nowhere has to offer. All the California farms were done-zo. Same with Colorado. Our only chance was to find a dispensary that wasn't yet tainted. We only had 2,476 of them to look through, so it was going to be tight. We found most of them occupied all ready by whoever in that area survived the vaccine and had a bunch of guns. If you thought everyone smoked weed when the world was normal. Wait 'til you have a global pandemic and national weed shortage. It's the only thing people want to do. We finally found a small dispensary in Colorado Springs that had been left ransacked but wasn't occupied with angry stoners, or so we thought. There was one old, top-bun wearing hipster in the back of the small store guarding the safe. He was obviously protecting something good because he was holding a throwing ax and his eyes were too tiny for regular weed. "Back up, man, I know how to use this thing and I'm afriad to use it." We were confused. So, I tried to clarify. "Huh?" He stammered. "Wait. I mean. You know how to use this thing, but I'm not afraid to. Or something like that. You know what I mean! Back the fuck up." "Uh, yea, we get it. I guess. If we move you'll lizzie borden us to death." Jealousy set in. The weed he was hiding strong. I could tell. If the horrible sentence structure didn't clench my suspicion, his general paranoid demeanor gave it away. He obviously couldn't even handle this kind of weed. I could liberate him. So, I charged. "Hey, wha-!" he exclaimed while clumsily releasing his ax opposite my direction. He missed me as I tackled him to the ground and knocked him out with a giant handblown stash jar. They are way more sturdy than you might think. "Ooh, these are nice, look around for some..." Before I could give my full review of the newly found stash jars, I saw Justin had been hit. The hand-whittled axe handle hung from the meaty part of his upper right arm. He tried taking it out and I screamed. "Don't! I have something better than that." "Better than taking it out of my arm?! What is better than the sweet relief of no ax in my arm?" "Wait for it!" I leaned down, found the everpresent post-it note on the side of the safe donning the code and finally found the one thing that could save us. "Shrooms!? What in the shitbag kinda luck!?" Aw, Fuck. That wasn't what I was expecting. In fact, I completely forgot about shrooms. Like all together. They werent my thing. So, I shoved a handful in mine and Justin's faces, waited the applicable 45 minutes. Justin complained. "So, when you said wait for it, I guess you meant 45 minutes." "Did I sound specific to you?" So, we waited. For the record, it took 38 minutes, and right when my beloved started grabbing flowers that weren't there, I ripped that underused and overembelished hatchet out of his arm like a giant, sharp bandaid and kept it for sentimental value. There wasn't much of that in this new normal. And that guy seemed pretty cool when he wasn't throwing sharp sticks at us. Justin survived as we quickly found another lead on weed in the store. But he had the weirdest trip of his life. Pro tip: Don't ever do shrooms when you're bleeding. I probably should have thought of that before I forced them down his gullet. For us, there was still no weed in the apocalypse, for now. But we vowed we would never give up until we found it. Unless we were hungry and tired. We're not machines.