The sluggish countdown of the clock to home time ticked slower and slower the more I stared, as my eyes began to sting, I swear the second hand moved backwards. Class had dragged more than usual today, perhaps because I finally had something to look forward to after school. My birthday had been a success and we had the SNES. No more long bike rides to the arcade on the weekend now, no… it was video games every night from now on.

“Ryu… you get the game? We on for tonight?” Li asks, leaning over from her desk beside me, her eyes facing towards the front of the class, while her hand made fake writing gestures across her notebook to feign attention.

“We’re on, Mom picked it up last night after school,” I whisper back.

“Dude, yes. Think it’ll be different from the arcade?” she asks, her interest now fully on me with no intent on faking attention.

“Well… we'll have more quarters.”

“Nice, lame of your Mom to get you the SNES with no games though, talk about party buzzkill,” says Ken, whose desk was in front of mine. “Relax, least I have one,” I reply sarcastically. “Asshole!” Turning around to flick my arm.

“Kenneth! Lisa, Ryan... eyes up front guys. Or no… video game party tonight,” Mom yells across the class to us, worst thing about having your own parent as the teacher is they actually have something more than detention to hold over you.

“Sorry,” I apologise.

“Sorry, Mrs. Carter,” Ken and Li say in unison. Li trying her best to hide a smirk.

* * * With six wins under my belt, Ken struggled behind with only two, his whining drowned out by Li, boasting her seventh win. As the TV illuminates my room in wonderful colours, Ken tries desperately to beat Li, failing, and bringing her up to her eighth win. Opening my bedside draw I pull out my secret weapon, tying the red band tight around my head I crack my knuckles, ready to take the trophy.

“Uh-oh, someone means business,” teases Li.

“First to ten?”

“You’re on.”

“Don’t bother, Ryu. The girl’s got cheat codes or something,” says Ken, lying flat on the floor to stare up at the glowing stars shining on my ceiling.

“Sore loser,” Li mocks, a gentle kick to Ken’s leg.

“I’m used to arcade controls that’s all, once I’m used to this, you’re both going to be bowing to me, the 'Street King .'” “And how’d you explain always losing at the arcade?” I ask.

“Ah, it’s just so loud there, messes up my concentration.” Both me and Li laugh at his response as we sit down and ready ourselves for the next match.

“First to ten,” says Li, the controller tight in her hand, so much so that her knuckles started to turn white with a ring of purple. Round one!

“Here we go,” I say, leaning forward. Fight! And darkness, the TV turns pitch black, and so does the blue lava lamp on my bedside table, leaving the melted wax floating in just a small spot of moonlight creeping through the gap in my curtains.

“Cheater!” Shouts Li. “Ha, like I could trigger a power cut,” I reply, flicking the light switch on my wall on and off, but nothing.

Opening the draw under the TV I pull out a wind-up torch, with ten rapid cranks the torch turns on, illuminating the room bright. With me up front, Li to my side and Ken lagging behind we leave my room to explore the dark house. Creeping through the dim hallway, all keeping as close to the wall as we can. All of us suddenly startled by my Mom, yelling from behind the bathroom door. “Erica?”

“No, the power’s out!” I yell through the door.

“Oh, Ryan. Go get your sister and tell her to find some candles, I’d rather not get out the bath in the dark and slip.”

“Okay, will do!” “And go check the neighbours houses, please. See if It’s just us that’s out.”

“Shall do, Mrs. Carter,” shouts Li.

“You kids better head off home after, It’s a school night!” “Okay…” we all mumble in sync.

“Best to ten tomorrow night then?” Says Li, leading the way to my sisters room.

“Hell yeah, you guys can sleep over and we’ll play into the weekend,” I reply, excited to earn my place as the ‘ Street King’ .

Knocking on my sister’s door three times, Li waits patiently before ducking behind me as the handle turns, Eri standing a foot above us with a head lamp strapped on blinding all three of us.

“What?” She asks, her tone already annoyed at me. “Mom wants you to get her some candles.” I ask, shielding my eyes as they adjust. “Under the sink, you know this.”

“She wants us to check if the whole streets out, we’ve both got our quests.” My eyes finally able to make out my sister underneath the bright white.

“Ugh, fine I will in a minute,” she replies, noticing Li moving behind me attempting to be invisible. “Oh, Lisa, when you gonna stop hanging out with the dork and let me do your makeup?”

“Ah, ha ha. No, I’m, I’m good. Maybe some other time…” She replies nervously, a gentle laugh to cover it up.

“Aw, shame.” An evil smile, Eri always loves messing with Li. “Hey, Eri,” Ken speaks up from the back.

“Beat it, creep.” “It was one time, and I was seven…” Eri slamming her door in response. “I didn’t even understand what I was looking at!”

“Well, I think you’re making progress.” I say, cranking the torch a few more times as the light had grown weak.

“Yeah, she didn’t even slap me this time!”

* * * Now outside we could see each and every house was pitch black, not even a flicker of orange from the streetlights. Making our way to the edge of the road, both Li and Ken holding the handlebars of their bikes, ready for the dark ride home. The three of us suddenly blanketed in a blinding light as the car across from us pulls out the driveway, speeding off down the pitch-black road.

“Since when does Ms. Rubin drive?” asks Li, dropping her bike on the sidewalk and walking into the middle of the road to watch the light of the car disappear down the street.

“I swear she can’t see over the wheel; think she has a booster seat?” Jokes Ken, who himself is just as tall as Ms. Rubin.

“No, she moved out. Mom said she didn’t even say bye. That’s some new man that moved in a couple days ago.” I answer, tucking the torch into my back pocket.

“A new neighbour… does he live with anyone?” Asks Li as she dashes across the road and up to the side gate of his house, tiptoeing to look over into the backyard.

“Li!” I bark, running up towards her. “I don’t think he does, no. What are you doing?”

“Aren’t you curious what kinda dude he is? Might have some cool shit,” she says as she lifts the hatch of the gate, a slow creak of the hinge as it opens up.

“Cool crap to steal? Come on let’s head back,” whimpers Ken, who had now made his way towards us, his bike still beside him.

“Don’t be a pussy, Kenneth , we’re just gonna check it… oh,” say’s Li abruptly, suddenly distracted as she makes her way around the side of the house, jumping through an open window.

“Oh God,” I sigh, tightening the red band around my head. “Come on, let's go get her.” Making my way through the open window, I could hear Li just ahead, while Ken props his bike against the side of the house, I could see the worry across his face.

“What if he has a dog? A big, angry, child hungry dog?” he asks, poking his head through the open window.

“Then you blind him with this, and run,” I comfort, handing him the torch from my back pocket.

“Ugh, fine.” Taking the torch and hoisting himself through the window, tumbling through and bumping into me, the light turning on to illuminate Li’s face.

“Shh,” she warns, holding her finger to her lip.

“This looks like your kitchen, Ryu,” says Ken, scanning the room with the torch, a gentle tremble in his voice.

“Yeah, all the houses here are just copies of each other.”

“Place your bets, vegetarian or not?” Quizzes Li, holding onto the fridge door handle.

“If he’s like my Dad, I’m gonna say two full shelves of beer… and expired bacon,” answers Ken, holding the torch with both hands as steady as possible on the fridge like a spotlight.

“I’ll take the veggie option then.” Tapping my feet against the tile floor like a drum roll.

“And the winner is-“ Li opening the fridge with a tug, the putrid smell hitting us one by one. Inside wasn’t beer, nor veg, but several large white bags. “The hell, It’s warm.”

“Well the power is out,” replies Ken as he flicks the kitchen light switch.

“Yeah, but not long enough for the fridge to turn warm,” I say as I reach my hand inside and pick up one of the bags, a thick liquid inside packed so tight I worry it’ll pop.

“Ryu!” Shouts Li from the hallway, who I now realise is no longer standing beside me.”

“Keep your voice down!” I whisper back sharply, making my way into the hallway to find her staring blankly at a large metal door.

“Isn’t that where your room would be?” asks Ken, shining the torch on the door, revealing scuff marks and soil in an arch on the plain wooden floor.

“What the fuck?” Reaching for the handle I hear the sound of tires slowing on gravel.

“Shit!” Panics Ken as he runs down the hallway into the living room. “He’s back!”

Just then the kitchen light turns on, and headlights shine through into the entire house. Running as fast as we can, both me and Li dive out of the open kitchen window and clamber over the fence into the other neighbours yard, to then run with our knees bent across the road back to my house.

“Shit, that was close…” I gasp, collapsing onto the ground, seeing the new neighbour close his front door, the kitchen light switching off soon after. One by one the streetlights switch back on to light up the entire neighbourhood in dull orange. “Yo… where’s Ken?” Asks Li, with short pauses in between as she catches her breath. “Crap, we didn’t leave him in there… did we?” I ask, a sense of dread twisting my stomach.

“He did bring his bike, so he couldn’t hop the fence like us, he probably got spooked and rode home?”

“Yeah, yeah he must have, we’ll see him in class tomorrow,” I assure myself, the twist in my gut now a tight knot.

“Well, that was creepy, but I’ll catch you tomorrow, later.” Pushing off the ground on her bike to ride home, faster than I’d ever seen her ride her bike before.

I didn’t sleep for even a moment the whole night, my eyes fixed on my door until morning, imagining it was steel, and that I was safe.

* * * Dragging my feet through into the kitchen, I notice a key attached to a long yellow piece of string on the table, along with a note. Had to head in early today so take the bus. DON’T MISS IT! Will be staying late also so bring your key, Erica’s at a party so don’t lose it. And don’t forget to make yourself dinner! - Mom xxx With a rushed breakfast in my stomach, I manage to flag the bus down as it pulls away from my street, sitting at the very back I watch as my neighbour’s house shrinks over the horizon, the knot in my stomach still tight and heavy. As the bus eventually pulls up to school, and I'm the last to step off, my hands meet the hard concrete as I’m tripped up. Standing above me, proud and arrogant are Marcus and Mia Bison, twin bullies who I’d manage to avoid for a few months now. “We’ve missed you we have, ain’t we Marcus?”

“Sure have, Mia, where’s Mommy?”

“Too busy to give you a ride to school?” Teases Mia. “Something like that, just leave me alone, will you?” I ask, prodding at my scraped hands. “But we missed you!” Marcus says as he lifts me up by the key around my neck. “What’s this?” Tugging hard to snap the string.

“Dude, give it back!” Shouts Li, making her way over, her face red and fists clenched.

“For ten bucks, we’ll think about it,” says Marcus as he tucks the key into his pocket. “Hey…” Mia interrupts as she stares down Li.

“Fine, ten each. Let’s just make it a round twenty, yeah?”

“What… what else would it be?” I smirk, a swift kick to the chest in response, knocking the air from my lungs.

“Twenty, here after school,” he threatens as he walks off. Mia pushes Li aside easily to join him.

“Where the hell am I meant to- “

“Ask Mommy!” Mia orders, interrupting me.

“Assholes.” I mewl as Li helps me up. “You alright?” She asks, brushing the dust from my back,

“Fine, I’m fine. You seen Ken?”

“Not yet, no.”

“Ugh, he better be in class.” I hope.

* * * But he wasn’t, as the rest of the school flooded outside around me to head home, to their buses, cars, and bikes, Li and I walked slowly. Playing last night over and over again in our heads.

“Vampire,” mutters Li, barely noticeable under the roars of kids around us.

“What?” I ask, my vision blurring as I walk into a solid object, Marcus staring me down with my key dangling from his thick neck, almost as if it were choking him.

“Take my bike,” Whispers Li, right before she barges herself into Marcus.

Running past him as he rebalances himself, I narrowly miss Mia as she tries to grab me, Li tugging her by the hair and holding onto her legs tightly. With Marcus’s thunderous steps behind me I make it to Li’s bike, the bike lock heavy in my hand, a combination… fuck.

“Zero, seven, one, five!” I hear her yell.

As fast as I can I enter the numbers, the dial slipping between my fingers from the sweat. That wonderful click. With the bike lock off, I throw it as hard as I can at Marcus, cracking his nose into a fountain of red spilling onto the floor. If I wasn’t dead before, I am now.

* * * Barrelling down the street I ride Li’s bike as fast as I can, the tires wobbling beneath me, Marcus on his bike behind me, yelling curses and threats. I realise in that moment I’m rushing home, but I don’t have my key and Eri’s car isn’t in the driveway. Then I see the neighbours car isn’t there either, and pray that window is still open, my only hope. Ditching the bike in the middle of the road I charge towards the gate and leap over, my shirt getting caught and my stomach splintered. Thankfully, the windows open and I dive through, hope lost as Marcus charges in after me. The steel door now slightly ajar rather than locked, I weigh my odds, the fear of the unknown, or the known beating I’m seconds away from, I’ll take the unknown. Inside the room was a tunnel, heading deep down into darkness, with wooden support beams and lights strung up around those beams. Grabbing onto the handle I pull as hard as I can to seal myself in, but I’m met with a much stronger resistance. Marcus throws the door open and punches me hard in the jaw, everything turning black for a moment, followed by a rush of dizziness. As everything becomes clear again and the giant bully approaches, I feel a rush of adrenaline, scurrying between his legs, to quickly find myself on the other side of the door. With a hard pull on the handle I shut Marcus inside, his muffled yells and bangs on the door falling more silent the further away I get from the house.

“Thanks for leaving my bike in the middle of the road, man,” shouts Li, sitting outside my house, a purple-black eye and bust lip across her face. “Manage to ditch him?”

“Yeah, something like that… how’d you get here?”

“Your sister, she saw me walking along the road on her way to some party, so she gave me a lift, left us her key.”

“I’m sure she’ll give me grief for that tomorrow. Wanna head in? Get some ice for your face?” I ask.

“That bad, huh? But sure, after that, we need to do something about Ken.” “We’ll tell my mum when she’s back, until then… fancy a game? Best to get in all the playtime we can, after all I feel it’s gonna be taken away for some time after this.” “Sure, first to ten?”

* * * Later that night with ten wins to my eight, Li slept soundly beside me on the floor. Hearing the front door unlock, I make my way out of my room, with a speech in mind I prepare myself for a grounding. But no mom exhausted from a day of grading papers, placing her keys on the table. Just the front door left wide open, with a key in the lock… my key, the string attached to it now frayed and dyed from golden yellow to a wet glistening red.

                                                     The end


Once upon a time a small girl named Ariana was cleaning her room before going to bed. She took her toys one by one and carefully placed them on the shelves and in the boxes she had under her bed. She knew that Mister Blue Rose didn’t really agree with Misses Bottle-Nose so she made sure the teddy bear and the truck weren’t sitting side by side. The last toy she took was her Bunny, the toy she had been sleeping with since forever. Bunny was a small, well, bunny. He had superpowers and always kept her safe, even in the dark room, after her mom would shut the lights off. Bunny was a small toy so she could carry him to the kindergarten and play with him whenever. Bunny was a dirty bunny, but she would never let him be washed in the washing machine, because, what if he drowned? Ariana’s mother would take Bunny away and wash him once a week, when Ariana was asleep and she would tell the little girl that she saw Bunny going through a portal that was under her desk and when he came back, he was clean! Ariana believed her every time and wondered how do the toys open that portal and where do they go? Well, this is the story that will answer those questions and many more you didn’t know you had. One night, Ariana fell asleep earlier than the usual. Her mother was surprised to see how the toys were in their places and the girl fell asleep with the lights on. Of course, she was holding Bunny really tight as she was, probably, dreaming of the portal. After her mother left, Mister Blue Rose got up from the third shelf and jumped off right on Misses Bottle-Nose. She woke up and angrily yelled at him: - Can you watch it?! Every single night we live the same story! You are a heavy bear, you’re hurting me! Mister Blue Rose replied like he couldn’t care less: - It is NOT my fault you’re just standing there when we’re supposed to go! What would you rather me doing? Jump on Ariana and wake her up? They fought all the way to the desk, as the other toys were waking up and stretching their legs and paws and wheels. Bunny woke up and tried to slowly move away from Ariana’s embrace and after so many “ohs” and ufs”, he finally got away! As soon as he reached the desk, the magical portal opened and all the toys jumped in.

Behind the portal there was a toys’ world and every toy in all of the corners of the Earth would meet there every night to play together and talk about their human friends. In this special night, they are having the autumn picnic for the toys that will be donated at the Autumn Fair. They are really sad they have to leave their houses and their human friends, but also really excited to move on to the next child that will love them and play with them again. Usually, the toys that go the Autumn Fair are toys that teenagers forget in boxes who-knows-where and haven’t played with them in ages. So, now there’s their chance to be played with again. Bunny is really happy he didn’t go to the Fair in over forty years! Ariana’s mom used to play with him when she was little and she kept him in her bed until Ariana was born and then he got to sleep with baby too. Now she’s big enough to play with him and his favorite game is “tea time”, when the little girl arranges her room like a restaurant and invites all sorts of toys to drink her special tea. It’s the same game he used to play with her mom when she was little, a long time ago. Around 5 AM, when parents wake up to go for a run or to go to work, the toys go through the portals again and place themselves back in the places they have been left the night before. But in this special night, they all forgot to check the time and when one of them finally did… it was half by six in the morning! What a terrible thing had occurred! What if one of the parents went in their child’s room to kiss him or her good bye and there were no toys in the room? They all ran right back to their places and as Mister Blue Rose was trying to get to the third shelve, Ariana’s father stepped into her room to kiss her good bye so the teddy bear froze and fell right on Ariana’s sleeping face. She woke up in terror because Mister Blue Rose was, indeed, a really big bear, but her father sat next to her and held her until she calmed down and went back to sleep. He took the teddy bear and placed him in a box under the bed and slowly left the room. Mister Blue Rose came out of the box and whispered: - That was close! Misses Bottle-Neck started laughing and exclaimed: - Now you can fall on me no more! Welcome under the bed, you big blue bear! After Ariana woke up the day went by as it usually does but, at dinner time, when she and her parents were eating, she asked: - How did Mister Blue Rose fall all of a sudden? - I don’t know, her dad replied. Did you place him safely on the shelf, like I taught you? - Yes, I did, the girl responded. - Maybe he didn’t manage to get back up there after he came from the toys world, her mother added. You should keep him in one of the boxes under the bed; it will be easier for him to come back in time. - I agree, said her father. - I will do that tonight, Ariana said after she took the last piece of broccoli and ate it. The dinner continued with the family laughing about the unfortunate moment and before Ariana went to bed her dad checked all of the toys to make sure no one will fall on his daughter again. As the night came, the toys started going towards the portal. Around 1 AM, Ariana woke up because she was thirsty and she saw a light coming from under the desk. She crawled towards it and noticed her cars weren’t parked on the side of the room. She also saw the toys were no longer on the shelves and she thought that it was the doing of the magical portal her mother had told her about. She decided to go through and, lucky her, she was small enough to fit in! When she crossed over to the other side of the portal, all of the animals that were playing, running around, laughing and talking had stopped. She was scared and happy at the same time and then she saw Bunny and ran towards him. She was upset he had left her alone in the dark and asked him if he went there every night. Bunny unfroze and took her hand. He explained that since the toys were created, they would have this space to enjoy playing with other toys. But they could only do it at night, so the grown-ups wouldn’t find out about their magic. They would freeze during the day as the children would play with them and, after everyone’s asleep, they would come here, in the toys’ magical world. He asked her to keep this secret like he had asked her mother when she has had followed him there a long time ago. Ariana realized that her mom wasn’t just telling a story - she was there! Bunny took Ariana back through the portal and tucked her in. He sang her favorite lullaby and went back to the toys world where he decided, together with all of the other toys, to install an alarm in the houses so they would know when somebody is about to wake up. If so, they could run home in time. When Ariana woke up, she went to her parents’ room and told her mother she went through the portal. That day, they drew together this magical world of toys on all of Ariana’s walls because she wanted her toys to feel at home even when they’re not in their own world. At night, after tucking Ariana to sleep, her mother went back to her room to write this story about her daughter and Bunny and the portal under the desk .


The moment Jeremy rounded the corner and began to exit the terminal, Anna's eyes immediately found him. Despite the fact that he was swarmed in a sea of fellow servicemen and women, Anna found it impossible to miss him. If the last seven years as an army wife had taught Anna anything, it was how to spot out her husband in a sea of camouflage. It felt like a sixth sense at this point. A survival tactic if you will. Find your husband in the crowd. If you can see him you know he's really here. If he's really here, that means he's okay. If he's really okay that means he's safe. If he's really safe that means he's alive. This quickly became a mantra Anna lived by at every departure, every photo-op she might spot in the newspaper, and most importantly- every reunion. Surrounded almost completely by fellow military families, there was a boisterous anticipation filling the welcome center. With a giddy joy, children chased one another, passing through the sea of adults. Friends held glittery posters that said things like Welcome Home Hero! and Army Strong. S ome even brought their pets, who wore bandanas that said cutesy phrases like I missed my human. There was an undeniable enthusiasm that filled the air, one that could only be brought about by the inexplicable feeling of desperately missing a loved one for far too long a time. Giggles continue to flit through the air, balloons bobbed in children's hands, and cameras were shakily prepared to document the well awaited reunions. Amidst this chaos, Anna stood alone. She held none of these things, and no longer could find it in herself to draw up the bubbly optimism that filled the people surrounding her. So, in the center of this massive crowd, Anna simply stood in silence- waiting for her husband, waiting to go home. The second Jeremy and his fellow soldiers turned the corner and began to exit the terminal the giggles and conversations came to a a screeching halt. With baited breath everyone watched the emerging soldiers, and eagerly waited for the men and women to cross the threshold of the terminal. Suddenly breaking the silence was a little boy shouting "MOM!", who then began to sprint full speed ahead towards his mother who was at the front of the pack. At the sight of the little boy racing forward, the spell was broken and suddenly children were embracing parents, parents embracing children, and spouses emotionally reuniting with one another. As all this joyful chaos broke loose, Anna remained standing in place. Silently she watched as Jeremy pushed his way past reuniting couples, the two never breaking eye contact. As Jeremy began to get closer, Anna acquiesced and took a few steps towards him. As women dived into husbands arms and children began to cry, overwhelmed with emotion, Jeremy and Anna silently came face to face. While the anger did not magically melt away the way it might in a favorite rom-com or novel, Anna couldn't deny the immense relief she felt swell inside of her at the sight of her husband before her- safe and in one piece. A small smile broke out onto her face. "Welcome home" Anna said. "Glad to be home" Jeremy replied, an unsure, small smile coming to his face in return. Staring at one another, an awkward silence filled the space between them for a brief moment until Jeremy dropped his duffle to the ground and wrapped his arms around Anna in a tight hug. "God I missed you" Jeremy whispered in her ear, "Seriously Anna you don't even know." As the two stood in the middle of the bustling crowd hugging one another, Anna felt herself release a sigh she didn't even know she had been holding in. The tension she'd been carrying the last ten months of Jeremy's deployment gracefully slipped from her shoulders and she felt her arms tighten around Jeremy in return. "I do know" she replied, choking up a bit, "I really fucking do Jer." Pulling back, Anna quickly wiped at the tears in the corner of her eyes. Looking anywhere but Jeremy, who was still intensely staring at her, she asked "Home?" Silently nodding, Jeremy picked up his bag and side by side the two began walking out of the airport. Silence pervaded the space between Jeremy and Anna all the way to the car. Throwing his bag in the backseat of Anna's car, Jeremy hopped into the passenger seat and let out a deep sigh. "Soooo, I'm assuming you're still mad huh?" he asked, chancing a small glance in Anna's direction. Not returning the glance, Anna let out a sigh of her own. "No, I'm not mad" she replied as she looked over her shoulder and began to pull out of the parking lot, "I'm just...resigned". "Resigned??" Jeremy asked incredulously, "What does that mean?!" Anna chanced a look in Jeremy's direction, who was now fully facing her in his seat. After a brief glance Anna darted her eyes back to the road. "I, I just....can we leave this until we get home at the least?" she asked. Jeremy held his breath for a moment, seeming to come to some sort of silent conclusion in his head, before nodding and saying "Sure." With a little huff he turned and squared his shoulders back to the road, suddenly beginning to feel quite resigned himself. About ten minutes later they pulled into the driveway, and Anna quickly hopped out of the car without so much as a second glance at Jeremy. Silently following suit, Jeremy grabbed his duffle and trailed after Anna through the front door. "So are we gonna do this?" Jeremy asked as he dropped the duffle bag and came to stand in the middle of the room. He looked to Anna's retreating figure, who had frozen in place at his words. After a moment in which no words were exchanged, Anna abruptly pivoted and marched right back over to Jeremy. Standing a foot or so away she said, "Yeah, it looks like we are." "I just don't understand how we haven't moved past this" Jeremy began, "Its been 10 months, and look everything turned out fine. I just-" He abruptly stopped as Anna sharply raised her hand in the air. "I'm going to have you stop right there" Anna said, her voice barely audible. "Sure, its been 10 months. Sure, nobody is hurt. But NO." Anna said as she became impassioned, "NO. Everything is NOT fine." "Anna I mean c'mon you know what-" "Do you remember the words we exchanged 11 months ago?" Anna asked, her simmering anger apparent as ever. Jeremy stared into Anna's eyes, trying to cloud the emotions he felt beginning to overpower him. *** Eleven Months Earlier "WHAT DO YOU MEAN REENLIST?" Anna shouted as she paced back and forth in front of the couch that Jeremy sat on. "Exactly that." he replied "I mean honey COME ON, this can't have come as this much a shock to you." "Shock?! No of course I'm not shocked that my husband has decided to reenlist for another tour without even consulting me?! Why would that shock me?!" she shouted while still pacing back and forth. "Hey" said Jeremy, " I am consulting you. In fact I'm consulting you right now!" This made Anna pause in her pacing. She came to stand directly in front of Jeremy, and gave him a look of complete and utter annoyance. "Are you? Are you really?" she asked, an annoyed smirk coming to her face. "Am I really what?" he asked. "Are you really consulting me? Or are you actually just telling me? Because it sounds to me like you already decided that you're going to reenlist and this is you just taking the courtesy to tell me." Anna replied, crossing her arms across her chest. "I- I just, Corey and I were talking and--" Jeremy stammered out. "Yeah" Anna said cutting him off, "That's exactly what I thought." Anna pivoted to walk away, so Jeremy hopped off the couch, grabbed her by the shoulders, and whipped her around to face him. "You're right, I should've told you long before now" he began, "But we've already been at this for six years. I didn't realize what a big deal it'd be. And you know how important it is that this mission get completed." Anna looked up into Jeremy's eyes, a raw coldness emitting from her piercing gaze. With a whisper she replied, "Don't you dare." She ripped herself out of Jeremy's hold. "Don't you dare suggest that this is like any old 9-5 job and we can just "suck it up" since we've been living this way for the last six years?!" Her voice continued to rise in octave. "And don't you dare try and place the state of international security on me! Don't you realize how ridiculous that sounds?! Do you even hear what you're actually saying?" "You KNOW my work is important!" Jeremy shouted, "You know there are sacrifices that need to be made in the name of the greater good!" "But we have already made them! We made the sacrifices!! Let it be someone else's turn. It can't be our turn anymore." Anna replied, now shouting as well. " I can't live like this forever! The stress is killing me, don't you get that?! Don't you care?!" "Of course I care!" Jeremy retorted, " We are gonna be okay! I promise. I love you Anna. Isn't that enough for us?" "No. No it's not." Anna quietly replied. With that, she silently turned and left the room. Jeremy looked on in shock. They proceeded to ear dinner in silence later that evening, and didn't speak another word to one another the rest of the night. A month later Jeremy deployed- fight still very much unresolved. *** "Of course I remember that fight." Jeremy chuckled, " I don't think the neighbors could ever forget that fight either." Anna's glare remained a moment longer until she relented with a slight smirk of her own. "We are a lot of things, but quiet isn't one of them is it?" she said with a light chuckle. "But..." she continued, "that doesn't change the reality of the situation. And this situation?" she said while gesturing to the space between she and Jeremy, " It's just not gonna work for me anymore. I literally cannot take it. " "What's not gonna work?" Jeremy asked in slight shock, "Us? We aren't going to work? I know it has been hard but sometimes, but sacrifices are a part of any healthy marriage." Anna scoffed at this. "There's that magic word again- sacrifices. Yeah you're right, every marriage has them. Like doing the laundry so your husband can go to sleep early. Or eating at the restaurant you don't like because you know it's your wife's favorite. THOSE are normal sacrifices. But cringing at the sound of a ringing telephone because it may be someone calling to tell you that your husband has died? Not a normal sacrifice. Crying yourself to sleep at night because you know you'll dream of your husband dying a very possible and very gory death? Also not a normal sacrifice." Jeremy remained silent, a sadness and understanding overcoming his face. "I'm sorry-" he began. "That's not what I want you to apologize for though" Anna interrupted. "No," Jeremy said as he raised his hand up asking her to stop, "I know what you're saying, but there's a long overdue apology that I need to give you. I'm sorry for putting you through that the last seven years. I know you didn't go into it blindly, but that doesn't mean I don't feel bad about what you've had to go through over here. You gotta know how easy it is to get caught up in what I’m doing...but I know it can’t always be that way. I- I don’t know how to fix this, but I do know I haven't always openly recognized and applauded you for what you‘ve been stuck dealing with, and you deserve that. You deserve all the damn roses." "Thank you" Anna replied, a tear coming to her eye, "I, I really just...that means a lot. I don't tell you all this to make you feel bad. It's just when you enlisted I envisioned a couple years. But two years came and went, and then three, four, five! And suddenly I was all alone again. There was nobody but me, just as it had been before you. But this time was even worse, because it came with a gut wrenching ache in the pit of my stomach. Because every moment of every day I'm worrying about you. And I know your work is important, but so is mine! And I can't do my work anymore. I can’t function anymore. I was going to tell you that the day you told me about reenlisting with Corey. That we need to figure out a new future. But not only did you not give me that opportunity, you took away the whole last year from me. From us!" "You're right" Jeremy replied. "You're absolutely right. I've known my time in active duty was coming to an end sooner or later. It's just what next?" Tears began to form in his eyes. "I'm not good at anything else. This- this is all I can do. It's all know. So you're right, something has gotta come next, but what?" Tears began to spill from Jeremy's eyes. Anna looked on with sadness and ultimately understanding. She stepped forward to grab Jeremy's arm, but he jerkily stepped backwards and wiped at his eyes. "Fuck", he said. "I really hate crying" Anna stepped forward and grabbed the hand wiping his eyes and gently pulled it away from his face. "Well, it just so happens I find sensitive men quite sexy" she joked as she reached up and dabbed the tears off Jeremy's face. "Remember when I asked you all those months ago, "isn't loving you enough?" and you said no?" Jeremy asked. Anna looked up solemnly into Jeremy's eyes and said "I do". "I understand what you meant now" he sighed, "I've got one more year after this leave and then we'll be okay. We'll figure out a new future. Who knows? Maybe they'll let me train cadets or something like that? But you're right, it's time. There's no reason to be scared anymore. I can face the desserts of Baghdad, I can face the unknown of a different future. I should've admitted that a long time ago. And honestly I'm sorry I've put you through the last year to figure it out." Anna pulled Jeremy into a tight hug. "Thank fucking god" she said. The two began to laugh. "I love you Anna, and I'm so glad I'm home." For the first time that day a genuine smile reached Anna's face. "Annndddd?" she egged on. "And?" he asked with a befuddled look. "And I'll never make a life changing decision without actually consulting my wife again?" she replied. "Ahhh yes. That." he smiled, " I will never, ever, ever, everrrr, make a life changing decision without actually consulting my wife ever again". "That's what I thought" she laughed as she leaned up to finally kiss him. Pulling apart she said, "And for the record? I love you too, and I'm so glad you're home". Jeremy wrapped his arm around Anna's shoulder, and with a shared smile the two finally began to make their way into the rest of the house.


           Lessons on the move The sounds of nightlife in Africa's largest gaming reserve were menacing to say the least. What was even worse were the growls, and glowing eyes that lurked hunching low in the grass. As morning came and the sun began to rise we moved through a field, in the humid African plains thankful to be alive. The blend of dried dead brown and stark healthy green blades of thick grass irritated our face with annoying little cuts. We edged slowly toward the extraction site, thinking about the dumb luck that landed us here. No time to worry about that now. We crouched low and moved through the grass hoping we did not hear the menacing growl again. We certainly didn't want to see the lion's face. This was his turf, he had every advantage here.

I looked at Gary, and he glared back. We didn't like each other, but here in this moment our hope for survival far outweighed our longstanding feud. A feud that had kept us enemies for so long that neither of us could remember how or exactly when it began.

Sergio, was the name the locals gave the "man eating" lion that was lurking somewhere in the foliage. Gary and I couldn't believe our horrible luck, ending up here together 30 miles from the camp. If he would have listened we would be on the air conditioned bus watching the wild cats hunting antelope instead of us.

If I'm being honest here, (as we tend to do in life and death situations) the feud was probably my fault. I was young and immature when I first met Gary in the third grade and he already knew he was going to follow in his father's footsteps and become a doctor. His parents were wealthy and my dad struggled mightily to put food on our table. My mom and dad had divorced when I was seven. Gary seemed to have the perfect mom and dad. They traveled together and- "Yo, Marv?" He tapped me on the Shoulder, "You daydreaming again?" "Um no!" I snapped back, not willing to admit I could barely keep my eyes open from the nearly thirty -six hours straight without sleep. "Hey, Marv. Open that sissy fannypack and give me another drink from that canteen. Then check that map to see how far we have to go?" I ignored him and continued forward. We had just had a sip. The canteen was nearly half gone and I knew exactly how far we had to go.

I just wanted to wallow in self pity just a little longer. Besides, now that I think about it; It probably was his fault. He was cocky, arrogant and driven for perfection. He was pre-med and I would be lucky to land a Job at a factory somewhere in our small town.

What directly led us here was the fight at school. We exchanged a few blows in the hallway near our lockers. Even though the teacher pulled him off of me I felt like I got the best of him. Sarah thought so too, and that's all that mattered to me. He came here because he wanted to keep his precious scholarship and stay in his parents' good graces. I came here because, his parents talked mine into the stupid Idea with a few thousand bucks each. Can you believe it?

"Earth to Marvin." He tapped me again. "What?" I snapped back.

"You might want to look where you are going Marv." He said with a flat tone. I stopped quickly puffing out my chest. I was ready to give him a piece of my mind. Marv was reserved for my closest friends and family. He didn't qualify on either front. In an instant I learned what he was talking about. There was a large dead tree in front of me, and in that tree were several snakes. One of them was near my face about to strike. His hand reached forward with all the authority of a well trained ninja. He snapped his arm out, then straightened it in front of my eyes with a snap of the wrist.

"What would you like to do with him?" Gary said, as he held up an African Boomslang (tree dwelling) snake in his outstretched hand. He looked down at him slowly and weirdly passionate. "He is, kind of, cute don't ya think Marv? I tried to warn you. If we want or get out alive you need to stay alert." "Okay Gare," I said, trying to give him back a little of his own medicine. I stepped toward him a bit. "I don't care what you do with him and and-" I searched for more words that didn't, no, wouldn't come out of my mouth. Instead I leaned in close and looked that boomslang directly in his beady little eyes. I would show him, I wasn't afraid.

"Put him back, let him go, Gary!" I said with all the courage I could muster. We stopped moving and just stood there for a moment in silence. His eyes shifted focus from the snake's head to mine. The snake was surprisingly calm in his grip. "I said, let him go, Gary."

"Have it your way then Marv." He opened the hand on his outstretched arm and released his grip from the snake's head. The white in his palm and fingers began to regain the reddish tint as the blood began to flow back into it. The snake flailed aimlessly back and forth, landing in the tall grass next to the tree. His head raised up looking toward us slowly, as if to say thanks for not killing me. Then he slithered away, disappearing into the thick undergrowth. I took a good look at the tree, the other snakes seemed utterly uninterested in us. In fact they never slithered a muscle. Gary and I eased around the odd tree and continued forward in the blazing heat. Gary may have just saved my life. I wiped the beads of sweat from my forehead with my shirt, searching for a way to say thanks without sounding like I was saying thanks.

"Speaking of snakes Gare, what do you think old Mrs. Gunderson thought when she pulled me off of you in the hallway?" I asked with a nervous chuckle. "She probably thought, my, you look a lot like Marvin, considering all things." He laughed. "I have a question for you Marv, since you got us into this mess. Why Do you hate me?" He managed to say this jokingly yet seriously in the same sentence. I had never really considered the question because I don't know that I ever hated him. I hated the idea of him, I wrestled with the questions of why were some people blessed and born into wealth and good genes, physical specimens (freaks of nature) if you will? But- in that very moment when he asked why I hated him, I couldn't help but to see him as a struggling human being. Did it bother him, to think that someone as gifted as himself wasn't adored by the likes of me. I blurted out, "I hate you because of Maria, and Susan, and that other girl from the fifth grade that liked you and wouldn't give me a second look. I hate you because you have a nice car, you are strong and smart you make all A's at school and Marvin Greenlee Jr. Plays second fiddle for no one. Got it?"

"So that's it huh? You hate me because girls are interested and I work really hard in school while you are hanging out with those hoodlum boys you call friends. They will get you nothing but trouble. You know what your problem is Marvin?" I paused waiting for his harsh "truth" to spew forth from his lying lips. That's what I expected, and in a lot of ways it would have been easier than what I got. "Your problem is that you waste your talent and brains on nonsense. You have every excuse why Marvin Greenlee Jr., as you so eloquently put it, doesn't measure up. Your parents divorce, you don't have money, as if that gets you C's in school. Marvin you are smart, but you do dumb things and hang around trouble. You are afraid to apply yourself because God forbid you have expectations for poor little Marv!"

I was seething mad. How dare he. I clenched my fist tightly. I wanted to punch his lights out. I wanted him, just once, to feel the pain of failure or just plain mediocrity. I took a deep breath and drew back my arm…

A roar louder than you could imagine, snapped me back to the harsh reality of where we were. According to the pamphlets we received with our maps when we got in the bus this roar can be heard in the wilderness five-km away. The thick blades of grass parted quickly and Sergio emerged, leaping from about twenty feet away. I lept on top of Gary with my best form football tackle. Sergio seemingly flew over us claws swiping in mid air, his mane swaying back and forth as he tried to adjust in midair. I grabbed Gary's hand and helped him up as Sergio landed and slid to a stop several yards away.

"RUN!" I yelled. Then I thought how do we get out of this. "The tree, the snakes, Gary. Maybe our only chance." I pulled him toward the tree where he saved my life. Hopefully the snakes were there.

I released my grip from Gary's hand then stopped. "Get back to that tree!" I yelled. Sergio regained his grip and stood up straight. He turned to face me. Our eyes locked for a moment. He let out another ferocious blood curdling growl then lowered himself down. He disappeared into the thick grass. He didn't chase us directly. He blended into the lush undergrowth. The silence was unnerving, He could leap at us from anywhere at any moment.

Gary made it to the tree first. I was close behind. "Gary do you see any of the snakes?" I asked in a panic. Gary and I scanned the tree quickly looking for the uninterested snakes.

"Exactly what is your plan here and why do we want to be near a severely poisonous creature that can kill us?" Gary asked. "You don't remember, do you Gary? Mr straight A's. Maybe I am pretty smart after all. I guess it's time to apply myself. This tree isn't real Gary, its an emergency communication center for the reserve. Here take a look." I sat down next to the tree and wiped the sweat from my forehead once again. I unzipped my "sissy" fanny pack and took out the map of the place and pointed to E-9. I took a drink of water from the canteen and offered a drink to Gary. He stood trying to regain his breath while I sat back with a sly smirk on my face pointing at E-9.

He sat next to me. "Have you lost your mind Marvin?" He asked. I didn't say a word. I just took another sip of water, stood up and located the small cluster of snakes. Then I picked them up in a quick scoop and tossed the whole painted plastic snake pit at him. He nearly fell over as he tried to dodge it.

"The thing is Gare, this is a phone station and those imitations were hiding this phone!" I reached inside the hollowed cavern that the faux snakes had previously concealed and pulled out a large phone that looked like something from the eighties. I held it up and exclaimed. "E-9 Gary. If you had read the info they gave us and took that sissy fanny pack maybe you would be prepared Gare!" Oh the look on his face was classic. All we had to do now was call and tell them our location then they would send out a rescue jeep and we would be back in that air conditioned bus sipping on an iced coffee before noon.

I pushed a big red button on the bottom labeled call. Gary scrambled back to his feet and inched close to me. The phone clicked and beeped and then we heard a glorious sound. The phone was ringing. I never thought the old generic ring tone could sound so good. One ring, then on the second ring someone picked up. "Hello, you have reached Selous home of Africa's largest gaming reserve. This is an automated emergency line. If you are lost and know your map coordinate please press one now." Beeep… I pressed one and listened intently for further instructions. The line clicked and beeped for a few seconds. "Please say your coordinate now. Letter first then number and we will connect you to the nearest rescue station" E-9 I pushed the letter then number on the monstrous phone.

Beep…beep…beep- connecting. You think it's nerve wrecking waiting for a utility company well think again. The thirty seconds we waited seemed like hours. Finally a voice, broke the series of clicks and beeps. "You are located at phone station E-9. Thank you for your patience. We have dispatched a jeep to your location and it should arrive before sunset." Gary plopped back down, sprawling out in the thick grass. "Well that's just great, before sunset they say. That could be thirty minutes or eight hours." He slapped the ground with his hand causing the plastic snake den to hop on the grass nearly scaring him again. I smiled then began to laugh uncontrollably. I looked down at Gary offering him a hand up, still laughing like a mad man. I think it was a combination of lack of sleep and euphoria. "Oh Gary lighten up." The laughs kept coming. After a few minutes I was able to get my hilarity under control. "Okay Gare, now I'll ask you since we have some time to kill." I paused for a moment and began laughing again. "Or be killed. Ohh look at the grass move it's Sergio coming for ya Gare!"

"You are not funny." He managed to say through gritted teeth. He took a deep breath, then stepped close to me. "Is everything a joke to you Marv. Is this just another day in the unfulfilling life of Marv. Jr?"

"My life is fine Gary! You asked me earlier why I hate you. Now I'm going to ask you the same. Why do you, Gary Sinclare Adams hate me?" His eyes lit up, he brushed a hand through his perfect hair and shook off the drips of sweat that collected on his fingertips.

"That list Marvin would get us past sunset." He chuckled then looked around as if he were checking for someone else listening in. "I don't hate you Marvin that would mean I give a damn. But I'll answer your question. One, you think I have it so perfect, you raze me every chance you get about having money and parents who stay together." He took a deep breath and continued. "My mom, is having an affair and my gutless dad doesn't have the guts to say a thing. She had the nerve to take me to his house and act like I wasn't smart enough to figure it out." A tear rolled down his cheek and he wiped it away. "I hate you Marvin because you don't have to live under pressure. No one expects anything from you. You have it easy, just sit back, do nothing and play the victim card!" I wanted to be mad. I just couldn't. He may have been the first person to actually tell me the truth. I had no idea that people saw me that way. I also never even considered that people like Gary, that seemed to have it all together, were just as messed up as me.

I walked over to him and embraced him in a bro hug. I half expected him to push me away and take a swing. Anything. He didn't. Gary and I hugged and cried together under that fake tree next to some fake plastic snakes. It was ironic in this moment of truth between two struggling teens entering adulthood. We both wanted the same thing. We both wanted what most men really want. Respect, its as simple as that. Before we could mend all of our brokenness and share our darkest fears the roar of an engine broke our embrace. We couldn't have a group of rough and tumble men in a rugged jeep rescue us in Africa's largest gaming reserve see us crying and sharing feelings. Yuck.

So we did what any red blooded American men would do in our situation. We vowed to never tell a soul that we understood each other and connected. Even if for the briefest of moments.

Gary and I spent another month there in the Selous summer program. We learned a lot about each other and life. When we got back to the States we remained and became even closer friends. I stopped making excuses and he stopped being so hard on himself. For the first time in my life I'm excited and looking forward to my future. I'm studying to become a veterinarian. Specializing in large Cats and with a little luck someday my good friend Gary will mend a broken human heart and I will mend that of a beast like Sergio. One thing is for sure Gary and I will never be the same again.


Maisy Turntrap was washing her hands as meticulously as she had massaged the giant shoulder roast she was preparing with her special dry rub.   When her phone signaled there was a call, she quickly wiped her hands before crossing the small kitchen to see who it was.  The Caller ID indicated it was her daughter . "Hello. Janna?" "Hi, Momma. I have a slight change in plans." "Oh. Are you still coming?" "Oh yes, I'll be there, and I'm bringing a friend." "Well, that's fine, Dear. Who . . ." "You'll see. Let it be a surprise. Be there soon!" Maisy stared at the phone in her hand for a few extra seconds and then lay it back on the counter. ****** The doorbell rang promptly at six. Janna tended to be very punctual when there was the promise of one of her mother's Sunday dinners awaiting. She had grown up, so it would seem, in a Norman Rockwell painting, the dinner table always brimming with food, a picture perfect setting every time. Tonight was to be no exception. She was soon enveloped by the warm, succulent aromas emanating from the kitchen. "It smells so good in here!" Maisy let her husband of 32 years, Gill, answer the door.   Hearing her daughter's voice, she wiped her hands yet again on her worn, though favorite, apron - a gift Janna had made for her when she'd learned how to sew in 4-H so many years before.  She took a step toward the front foyer, but when there came a second voice she suddenly recognized, she snapped back, listening. "Goodness me, sir, what an honor and downright pleasure it is to see y'all again!" Oh, no. Lord Jesus, it just couldn't be. Maisy had no idea that Janna might be back in touch with that irresponsible lout. No wonder she hadn't told her mother who her companion was going to be over the phone. Maisy would have cancelled the dinner right then and there, and probably gone looking for the shotgun. "Oh, Daddy, I just knew you and Momma wouldn't mind me bringing Chance by tonight. Can you believe, after all this time, we found each other again! We'll tell you and Momma all about it but we just wanted to surprise you." "Well, now, it's fine by me, Honey." Gill Turntrap then glanced toward the kitchen, warily. "Your momma, on the other hand . . ." At that, Maisy took a deep breath and slapped on a smile. "Well, now, I thought I heard a voice I recognized. Janna . . . and Chance. Hello. Well, it's been a long time, hasn't it?" She turned a flash of an all too familiar "what are you doing" expression toward Janna, and then quickly returned her attention to the young man who by now was looking a little unsteady on his feet. Chance McCaldry was Janna's high school sweetheart. He'd won Janna over completely in those days, mainly due to, surmised Maisy, he probably reminded Janna of one of her strays, the under-dogs (or cats, or rabbits, or birds, and once - most memorably and catastrophically - a skunk) that she could never turn away, lest her heart should break. Now, the animals Maisy could abide - even Stinky, the skunk. Chance, she could not. It was not a matter of her wanting only the best for her daughter; she would be glad for someone of substance that Chance, clearly, was not. He had proven that time and time again. In her eyes he was slow, he was simple and not capable of providing for himself, much less a family. And the final damning act that, to Maisy, exposed his total lack of honor and commitment, he'd broken off with Janna in their senior year of high school, claiming he was not cut out for college life and preferred to remain at home, help out on his family's farm, and that he would not hold Janna back from a better life than he would ever be able to give her. The calamitous impact of this decision on the Turntrap family was distinct and lasting, though affected each member differently. Maisy was quick to judgment. Well, and didn't this just prove what she'd known all along. He'd taken advantage of their impressionable, loving little girl and was now ready to look elsewhere, not giving a thought to her feelings. Well, fine and good riddance. Gill Turntrap was a man of few words. It made sense for him to let Maisy do most of the talking, since that was how it had been for as long as he could remember anyway. He was a hard-working man. He had held a job managing one of the most successful and well known cattle farms in the county. Besides, by the end of a long workday, he was content with a hot meal and mostly Maisy for entertainment. He had yet to find her "off" button, if she had one, so he would patiently wait for her to start clearing the dishes following another one of her wonderful dinners, to retire to his "office" where he kept his books, his desk that once belonged to his own father, and a bottle of Jim Beam he kept in the right bottom drawer for select occasions. He was, indeed, a very content man. He adored his only daughter. He would, each morning, quietly crack open her bedroom door to have a look at her, sleeping peacefully, before he left for work. He'd only missed a few milestones of her life because of work-related emergencies. The annual calving time for a farmer was akin to tax time for an accountant, but he treasured each memory he had of Janna along the way and held them close to his heart, right next to Maisy's meals. When Janna announced to them that Chance had decided they should break up, Gill was not altogether surprised. He knew Chance's father was struggling to keep his land profitable. He recognized in the simple, modest boy a good heart. He was good to his younger brothers and looked out for them. Gill decided that the best thing for him to do, as her father, was to look out for Janna. This type of situation would need to play itself out. Janna, of course, was devastated at first. Gradually, she came to see that what Chance had done had been a selfless act, a sacrifice he was willing to make so that his family wouldn't suffer by his absence, and she wouldn't suffer by his remaining home and asking her to give up her dream of attending college. And so, in the long run, it made her love and admire him even more, and though in time her heart did heal, she'd always keep a small piece of him there. He was the gauge by which she measured every boyfriend she had after that, and she largely remained unattached throughout most of the four years she spent away at college, and then the additional four she spent in grad school, studying to become a veterinarian. She found she needed all the energy she had to devote to her studies, and that left little spare time for dating. When her graduation came, Gill was there. He would not have missed this tremendous milestone in his daughter's life for anything in the world. Janna joked with him that if graduation had taken place during the calf-birthing season, she would have arranged her own ceremony to take place in the barn with all the moaning mommas and bleating babies in place of the Graduation March. She had lived her dream. Now it was time for her real life to begin, and she was ready. Maisy was so proud of her hard working family. Her greatest gift and contribution was cooking. She poured her heart and soul into the dishes she prepared and served to those she loved. She came from a long line of ladies who knew how to satisfy a working man's appetite, as well as their need for strength, good health and endurance. She was somewhat surprised to hear Janna was coming back to work as a veterinarian's assistant in one of their neighboring towns, but she was also thrilled to have her daughter nearby. Maybe eight years had been enough time spent at a big city university and she'd come to appreciate the strong traditions and simple ways of her upbringing. But now, here Janna was, back in the arms of her betrayer. He had somehow wormed his way back into their lives and Maisy wasn't having it. She didn't have a plan yet, but she'd have to come up with something. Her first and immediate task was to survive this dinner, to break bread with the man who had ruined her daughter's life once and was sure to do it again. To think he was about to devour and undoubtedly have the unmitigated gall to enjoy and gush over her love-infused table full of beautiful food that had never been intended for him to even look at, much less . . . "Golly, Ms. Maisy, I don't believe I'm overstating things to say I have never forgotten what a great cook you are and those meals you used to serve us kids. The smell of this place just brings it all back!" Chance bounced forward, grabbed Maisy by the shoulders and gave her a loud smack on the cheek. She backed up, quickly giving Chance an awkward smile. then, in a shaky voice while gesturing to the dining room, managed, "Why don't we all sit down." ****** Maisy had never felt so alienated at her own table. Chance, that interloping cad, had brought wine, a bottle of wine! Gill was drinking some! This wasn't Christmas! When she had declined a pour, Janna actually giggled and said, "More for us then!" Everyone, except Maisy, had laughed. Just what had Maisy missed? Since when had her family turned alcoholic? She began to say something about it to Gill, her expression already speaking volumes, but Gill's expression managed to trump hers, and he raised the bar by squeezing her hand under the table. For the first time she could remember, she was at a loss for words and spent the remainder of the meal feeling cowed and alone. Later that evening, as she was washing a sink-full, Gill came up behind her and gently spoke in her ear. "You all right?" She hesitated and then resumed her scrubbing and wiping. Gill found a dishtowel and took a wet plate from her hand. "You feel like talking?" What Maisy had witnessed at the dinner table had already convinced her she was outnumber on this, whatever "this" was. She knew if she confided to Gill what was truly on her mind at that moment, he'd try to talk her out of it and it would just be a colossal waste of time. "Oh, there's nothing to talk about, Gill. I just want to see our Janna happy." "That's what we all want. Always have." Gill could see that Maisy had more on her mind but, when she did not respond right then, he decided to leave it there. He patted her sudsy hand, smiling warmly before taking his leave to join his books. He wouldn't be opening the desk drawer tonight. He was plenty warm enough. Maisy stared out the kitchen window at the clear, star-filled sky and lost herself in thought. By the time she had flicked off the bathroom light and climbed into bed, she had a plan. ****** The college football championship was scheduled for 1:00. The kids were due to arrive any minute. Gill had been called to work for a sudden emergency. Some of the cows he was responsible for had broken free of the electric gate and were now making a buffet out of the owner's vegetable garden. And so, Gill had his hands full and would get back as soon as he could. When the doorbell rang, Maisy held her breath for a second, looked around at all she had accomplished. She had stayed up half the night preparing. She wiped her hands on her apron with a knowing smile and approached the front door with determination in her step. She opened the door and backed away to let the grinning couple enter the foyer. Janna hugged Maisy. "Oh Momma, it smells better than ever!" Chance then took his turn and wrapped his long arms around Maisy and exclaimed, "Ms. Maisy, looks like you've been at it again. I hardly feel worthy." Maisy held her own grin a little too long before saying, "So glad you're here. Give me your coats, go get comfortable in the playroom. The game's about to start." The playroom was the only room in the house with a television. It had a couch with chairs on either side. The smaller coffee table had been replaced with a larger, round game table that was laden with plates of food. There were bowls of homemade pita chips with various dips. There were mounds of chicken wings, plates of cheese, platters of homemade bread, still warm, with giant tubs of assorted butters. "Wow. Who else is coming?" Janna looked at Maisy with mild astonishment. "Who's going to eat all this?" "I'll start!" Chance couldn't take his eyes off the table. Saying a quick grace, he turned a happy face to mother and daughter and then gave his full attention to the incredible display before him. "Don't forget, there's more where that came from!" Maisy gestured for Janna to sit. "Let me get us some drinks first. Be right back." Chance was busy designing the perfect plate of football food. He never even looked up. "Momma, what's going on?" They were back in the kitchen where Maisy had pitchers of iced tea and lemonade and tall frosted glasses at the ready. "How do you mean?" "I know you, you know. I've known you my entire life. You don't exert this kind of energy on a meal unless it's a holiday or a really big event. Your meals are always exceptional, Momma, but this is way beyond. What are you up to? Is it just going to be the four of us?" "Of course, sweetheart. I haven't really been fair to Chance, I know that. This, I suppose, might be looked at as an apology of sorts.  Humor me?" Janna stared at her mother, narrowed her eyes and, as a suspicious and equally playful grin crossed her lips, leaned forward and gave Maisy a peck on the cheek. She whispered. "Just know I'm keeping my eye on you." Maisy fluttered her eyelashes at her daughter, then turned to check on something in the oven. ****** "Come and get it!" Chance was first to the dining room. It was set up in grand buffet style. Here was everything Chance enjoyed, laid out as if for royalty. There was a platter of ham steaks, chicken thighs, turkey legs, shaved beef for sandwiches, more homemade bread and biscuits, waffles and cheesy grits. There were bowls heaped with mashed potatoes and sausage gravy, ears of buttered corn, candied yams, green bean casserole. And, of course, macaroni and cheese, baked beans and collard greens. "Ms. Maisy, I am speechless!" Maisy smiled warmly. "Here, take a plate and help yourself." As Chance and Janna took inventory of the table before them, Gill came through the door, looking tired. He gaped at the mountain of food on the table and then at Maisy. He guided her quietly to the side and whispered. "Just what are you up to?" "And what makes you think that I'm up to anything?" Gill gave Maisy a look she knew meant give it up, you have nowhere to hide. She smiled. "I decided to try to be nice, that's all." "You could kill him with this amount of . . ." Gill looked at his wife. "So, that's it. You're going to kill that poor boy with kindness!" "Now, Gill, stop it. No one's ever . . . " "Arrrrrgh!" They were interrupted by an agonizing groan that was then followed by a loud crash and thud as Chance, along with his plate of food, fell to the floor. "Chance!" ****** Maisy and Gill sat in the waiting room, staring into space. Gill was looking straight ahead with a blank expression. Maisy was deep in her own thoughts, drowning in speculation. What have I done? Just then, Janna rushed over to them from the direction of Chance's hospital room. She was breathless. "You'll never guess!  His appendix burst!  He's in surgery now, but he should recover just fine. The doctor said we got him here just in time." She flopped heavily into the chair next to her mother. "What I really wanted to say was he had food poisoning." "Janna, that's not funny." Maisy was close to tears. "Well, so have you suffered enough?" "Can you both forgive me?" Gill was stifling a bit of laughter. "Honey, had that boy not known when to to say when to his own detriment, I might have had to admit you were right about him." "Well, I'm just glad now I'm not. Right about him, I mean." Janna looked at her mother. "And so what finally convinced you?" Maisy sighed. "The expression on your face when that boy collapsed. I never want to see you look that way again." "You mean that was all it took?" Maisy was laughing and crying and then laughing again. It felt wonderful. She got up suddenly and began to leave. Her husband said, "Where are you going?" "Home. I need to prepare something special for Chance. He'll be hungry when he wakes up." "But, Momma . . ." Gill watched Maisy again turn to leave, tears in her eyes and a smile on her face. "Let her go, Honey. Let her go." THE END Susan Erickson Catucci September 7, 2022


**CONTENT WARNING: This story contains depictions of violence, mental health struggle, drug abuse, and overdose** “CUT!” Thomas yells just as I start my last line of dialogue. I throw my head back and close my eyes. I open them to find Thomas standing behind the camera with his glasses perched on his forehead and his fingers massaging between his eyes in frustration. The crew around him is silent, waiting and wondering, is he gonna blow up again? We’re in a tiny room in a dirty house; Thomas always insists on shooting on location, to try and capture the authenticity of the places and lives the people in his movies live every day. He hates using sound stages and built sets because they’re “sterile and comfortable and they neuter performances,” which means the cast and crew are crammed into “real” sets to bake under hot lights and smell each other’s sweat. Thomas is considered the modern Kubrick , and everyone keeps telling me how much of a genius he is and how good this will be for my career, and how this script just smells like an “Oscar,” and don’t worry about his outbursts, it’ll all be worth it; he’s just trying to make the best movie he can. Well, If he’s Kubrick, I’m Shelly Fucking Duvall. Except for his last one. It was a bomb; the largest budget he's ever worked with and it was a flop. The studio lost millions. That was a few years ago, and he’s had a hard time getting any projects off the ground.

That’s where I come in. My career is on the upswing. Last year I was in a movie called Underneath Hawk’s Head and overnight, I went from struggling actress to being given offers left right, and center. That’s when the offer for this movie came in, and my agent jumped all over it. “This is the one!” he said. I had reservations about my still unfilmed nude scene, but he assured me it would be worth it.

But when I went for my audition, Thomas wasn’t even there. I think they had conditions around the financing of the movie, me being one of them. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have been Thomas’s first or even his last pick. There’s contempt all over his face whenever he looks at me like I’m some foul thing he’s just found rotting at the bottom of some forgotten cupboard. Finally, Thomas breaks the silence. “Wha-“ he starts before he lets some breath out of his nose. “What the fuck was that?” he says, blinking at me. I can’t help but scoff as I begin to answer; diva, I’ve been called a few times. “I was try-” “AH!” he says, cutting me off. “Not a fucking word.” He turns to the rest of the crew. “That’s it for now folks. We’re fifteen days behind schedule and we’ve been here for twelve hours and it’s obvious that we’re not going to get what we want today. Leave everything up and we’ll start fresh tomorrow.” I roll my eyes and begin to try and squeeze my way around the crew as they start to turn off the lights and equipment. I can feel their relief as they whisper to each other, “Well, it could’ve been worse.” Thomas is seething and his eyes burn into my back as I leave. Finally, I step out the front door of the dirty little house and into the fresh air.

*	*	* There’s a pounding at my trailer door and I’m sure it’s him. Here we go, I think as I head towards the door. I barely get it open before his foot is on the first step. He doesn’t say anything as I back away to make room. For a minute we’re silent, sizing each other up. We’ve been shooting for thirty days and it’s been tense. I steel myself for battle. “Thomas, I-” “No,” he says. “I’m the director and I speak first.” I cross my arms and set my weight on one leg. “Fine,” I say, “Go ahead.” He starts quietly, “I don’t need your fucking permission!” The end is loud and sharp. I can’t help but flinch. I’ve already given up ground.

“I am this close to replacing you,” he says gesturing less than an inch with his finger and thumb. “I don’t give a fuck what the studio will say. I never even wanted you for the part but you’re the ‘next big star,’” he says mockingly. I don’t care if he’s the director. “I am thirty-five years old,” I start, “There won’t be any roles for me in ten years and I have more than paid my fucking dues and I fucking deserve to be here. I’m a good actress and I am doing exactly what you’re asking me but I don’t know why that’s not good enough for you!” Now his face is red and his mouth is pinched like a snake about to spit venom. “You are a dime-a-dozen actress who got lucky with one part and you do NOT get to critique your performance. That’s my fucking job! “I’m not trying to do your job! Tell me what you want!” I scream.

“BE A FUCKING MOTHER!” he screams back. “You play a mother so fucking act like one! I know you don’t have kids but you have a goddamn mother don’t you? Or you must fucking know some mothers and children? You are human aren’t you?” A cut deeper than he could imagine. He doesn’t know. Nobody knows. Nobody knows that the day I was cast I found out that I was pregnant. And nobody knows that the week before we started filming, I miscarried.

I’ve been trying to pretend that I’m OK and it’s OK. I keep telling myself that I’m struggling with my performance for this reason or that reason; it’s Thomas, the small sets, the script, the heat. Or maybe it’s that I’m pretty sure Josh is sleeping with his secretary and that he breathed a sigh of relief when I went to the hospital bleeding.

The point is, maybe it’s none of that. Maybe Thomas is right without knowing why he’s right. Maybe I’m struggling to feel the story or character too deeply. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m doing the best that I can. These thoughts rush through my head just as his mouth is wrapping up the last syllable. And it’s the sting of these thoughts that raises my hand and my own private… what? Shame? Guilt? Fear? Loss? Whatever it is, it makes me slap him across the face. Hard. The fleshy smack echoes off the walls of the trailer. Then the pressure of his hand around my throat in an instant, cutting off my breath. I’m making choking noises and clawing at his hairy hand. I start trying to claw at his face but that just makes him squeeze tighter. “You hit me one more time and you’ll never work again,” he says before letting me go with a push. I stumble backward and bump into the small table, gasping for breath. “I don’t want to reshoot this whole goddamn mess so you have one more day to get it together. One,” he says as he starts to head for the door. He puts his hand on the handle and stops before leaving the trailer. “Maybe a good goddamn choke was what you needed. Maybe I’m lucky and I just choked some life into you instead of out of you,” he says with a dark, sadistic grin.

A grin that makes my stomach turn so badly that I rush to the little sink once he’s gone and begin to puke, the strain burning my bruised throat. *	*	* My phone rings as I pull into the parking lot of the plaza. It’s Riley, the assistant director. He is a sweet man who takes far too much of Thomas’s shit. But he’s very good with handling us and the crew and making sure we’re being cared for. As much as he can anyway. “Hello?” I say. “Hi, are you all right?” he asks. “Yeah, I’m OK.” “OK. Everybody heard you and Thomas shouting in your trailer and I just wanted to check in. I know things have been rough.” “Yeah, it has been rough.” “He’s just under a lot of pressure. The last movie and the studio breathing down his neck… I’m really sorry he’s being so hard on you. For what it’s worth, I think you’re doing fine.” Fine. Not great. Fine . That’s Hollywood for “terrible.” “I’m fine really,” I say as I rub my quickly swelling throat. “All right… Well, I just wanted you to know that Thomas altered the schedule so you’re off the call sheet until Thursday. They’re gonna spend some time shooting a few of the school scenes so you can relax.” Anger and sadness wash over me simultaneously. That fucker doesn’t give a shit about giving me some days off, he’s worried about the bruises on my throat. He wants to give them some time to heal. I consider telling Riley, but that will be the end of the shoot. The movie will never get made and I’ll have to deal with the media fallout of being choked by a director. They say there’s no such thing as bad publicity but I’d still rather star in a movie than star in the tabloids at the checkout counter… “Caroline? Are you still there?” Riley asks. I realize my throat is tight while I teeter on the edge of bursting into tears. My hand is gripping the phone so tightly that it’s cramping. I clear my throat and there’s pain. “Yeah, sorry. A couple of days off sounds nice. Thanks for checking in.” “Caroline… If you ever need anything, just let me know, really. I’m here to help. “Thanks, Riley…” *	*	* The road is empty and I’m driving 90 in a 60. The top is down and the wind is blowing my hair back while I’ve got an open bottle of wine riding shotgun. I stopped at the plaza for just one but it turned into a case after Riley’s phone call. My radio is cranked and I’m singing my Dad’s favorite Jackson Browne song as loud as I can, not caring how much my throat hurts or my voice cracks.

He listened to it nonstop after my Mom left or whenever he was sad, a tradition I’ve carried on. I remember that a friend of mine gave me some pills after the miscarriage, to take my mind away for a little while and help me sleep. I haven’t taken any yet, but maybe tonight is a good night to try. *	*	* It’s 5:30 am. I don’t know how I remembered that it’s Thursday but I did. The pills worked as promised but one turned into two, into three into- I lost count. Between the chalky doses of oblivion and the wine, My head is pounding. But the bruises are gone and the time out of mind was refreshing. Blissful. Now I’m struggling to keep the coffee I don’t remember buying down, but I have to. I can’t show how terrible I feel. I walk into the makeup trailer and Dana greets me. “Hi sweetie, how are you? Are you OK? I heard about what happened the last day you were on set,” she says with a concerned look. You don’t know half of it, I think as I take my jacket and sunglasses off. “Oh yeah, I’m fine. I think we just had to air some things out. It was a tough day of shooting,” I say, taking my seat. I see my face for the first time in a couple of days; I look like shit. My eyes look like two pissholes in a snowbank. Dana looks at her assistant Julie and they share a concerned look. “Really, I’m fine,” I say. I might be trying to convince myself as much as I’m trying to convince them. “I just didn’t sleep well last night, I was thinking about my scenes today. We’re shooting the scene where the principal comes to the house. Kind of a heavy one.” Dana starts running her hands through my hair, “Honey, didn’t you get the message? You’re not shooting that scene today…” she says. Panic rises in my throat. My facade is cracking. I pull out my phone. I realize I haven’t looked at it since I got back to the hotel with my case of wine and oblivion on my mind. I have a hundred and twenty text messages, nineteen voicemails, and thirty-six missed calls. I can feel embarrassment burning on my cheeks. “No, I didn’t get any messages because my phone was all screwed up. It just started working this morning. Didn’t anybody call the hotel?” I say a little too quickly. “I thought they said they did.” “Ugh, that hotel is the worst. I’m gonna have to talk to them about how important it is that I get messages like that!” I say. Is it the right amount of anger? Am I believable? Or am I totally transparent? “Well, what scenes are we shooting today?” I ask. Dana looks uncomfortable now. “They’re- Well- You- You’re shooting your nude scene today…” she says quietly.

My hand shoots up to my forehead in shock. “You’re joking?” I say. That bastard. He’s punishing me. He’s trying to make me quit or give himself a good excuse to fire me. The rest of this shoot is going to be even worse than before. I shouldn’t have slapped him.

Dana shakes her head slowly. “Sorry hon, I wish I was,” she says. I see her eyes dart in the mirror to the prickly growth under my arm. I put my hand down quickly. “Are you OK?” she asks again. She knows I’m not.

“No, yeah, I’m fine. Just a little surprised is all.” “Do you want me to go get Riley?” she asks, putting her hand on my shoulder. My hand instinctively goes to hers.

“Oh my God, no, I’ll be all right. Like I said, just surprised. Like they say,” My voice is a little choked now and I can feel my eyes going redder, “the show must go on.” “If you’re sure…” she says hesitantly. “No, no, I’ll be OK…” “All right.” She turns to Julie and says quietly, “Can you grab a razor?” Then she turns back to me, “Honey, why don’t you just take a nice hot shower and relax? Take as long as you need. If you’re late to the set I’ll tell them it’s my fault.” Now the tears start down my face. “OK,” I say. “OK.” I’m suddenly acutely aware that I don’t remember when I showered last. I look at myself in the mirror and realize through the fog just how greasy my hair is and the dark circles under my eyes. Dana leans down and gives me a hug around my neck. “It’ll be all right honey. It’ll be all right…” *	*	* Dana and Julie have gone and I’m alone in the trailer. Julie handed me a fresh razor before she left. I start to get undressed and panic begins to grip me. My breath comes faster and faster but I can’t breathe deep enough. My hands are shaking as I take my top off and I’m getting light-headed. I pull my jeans down and pick them up to set them on the back of a chair. As I’m folding them, something falls to the floor, rattling. The panic stops. It’s the pill bottle. I pick the bottle up and turn it in my hand, watching the little white pills tumble down the sides. I don’t remember putting them in my jeans. I shouldn’t. I don’t remember what time it was when I took them last. Or how many I took. But…

I look towards the door. There’s no one coming. Then I look in the mirror. I don’t recognize the face staring back at me. Instead of me, I see a dirty, greasy, feral animal standing in her underwear with a bottle of pills in her hand. Fuck it. I pop the bottle open and grab a couple. Just a couple. To take the edge off. I have to be naked in a room full of people in a few hours. I deserve to have the edge taken off. I put the pills back in my jeans and walk over to the sink and turn the tap on. I put the pills in my mouth and bend down to drink from the running water. Just like I did as a kid. I wipe my mouth and start the shower before finishing getting undressed. *	*	*

Noise. Far away noise. Rain? Then distant voices. “Caroline?” Is that my name? ‘CAROLINE!” It must be. The world around me gets brighter. I try to talk, to tell them something, but the words are foggy in my mind. The voices again. I’m being moved. “Call an ambulance! Oh my God, CAROLINE!” It sounds like something is wrong, but I don’t know what. I feel fine; l ike I’m flying.

I try to sing the Jackson Browne song to show them I’m fine. But it’s hard. It’s strange; I can hear it but I can’t think of the words or even hum the melody. “I just need to sleep,” I try to say. Those are the words from before, the ones I couldn’t think of. “I just need to sleep. I’m fine…” *	*	* “We’re following a developing story out of Oklahoma this evening. Actress Caroline McCarthy has died. We know that she was starring in Thomas Ashley’s latest movie, Prairie Moon , playing a lead role. She was found unresponsive on set and taken to hospital where she was pronounced dead. McCarthy is best known for starring in last year’s surprise hit movie, Underneath Hawk’s Head, and the star was expected to have a bright future. She was thirty-five. Tim?”


CASSODAY	40 MILES EL DORADO	60 MILES WICHITA 90 MILES They had been in the car for over an hour already and, besides Jeff asking Adrian if he was ready to go after they stopped for gas on their way out of town, they hadn’t spoken the whole ride. With each passing mile marker, with each destination sign, taunting him with how close they were nearing home, Jeff felt his heartbeat increasing, his palms growing sweaty, his stomach churning. Even his neck was hurting for all the times he had turned to glance at Adrian, waiting for either Adrian or himself to start speaking. But nothing ever happened. The thought that they would arrive in Wichita with nothing to show for all their time together made Jeff want to scream, and he began to doubt if the last hour and a half of the ride would be enough to change his life.

Jeff partly felt he shouldn’t have been surprised at this turn of events, or lack thereof. Although they were in the same friend group, Jeff sometimes felt like he and Adrian never actually talked. Mostly Jeff felt like he didn’t know how to start a conversation with Adrian. Whenever they did have a few moments together to chat, just themselves, Jeff felt the pressure of his unrequited love consume him, pressing down on every word he might say until it was flattened and useless. And Adrian, for his part, rarely struck up conversations with Jeff, which Jeff had desperately tried to understand why, but to no avail.

So when Adrian asked him one day at lunch about the scholarship exam at Washburn, Jeff was taken aback. In fact, he thought he had misheard, thinking Adrian was instead telling him he was going on his own.

“Oh, that’s cool. Well, I guess maybe I’ll see you there,” Jeff said, his voice quavering with disappointment.

Adrian had laughed at him then. “No, sorry, I was asking if you want to go together.”

“You want to go with me?” Jeff asked so skeptically that Adrian began to doubleback. “Well, yeah, but only if you want, or can…”

“Oh! I mean…yeah, sure, of course. That’d be great!” Jeff exclaimed, telling himself to take it down a notch.

“Ok. Cool,” Adrian replied with a small smile. “Do you actually mind driving? I think your car is nicer and my parents don’t like me driving too far with mine.” Jeff’s car definitely wasn’t nicer, but he liked the idea of Adrian depending on him. “Yeah, that should be fine. I’ll check with my parents and we can figure out logistics.”

For Jeff, this was as good as setting up a date. Adrian was asking to spend two and a half hours in a car on a Saturday, plus test time, plus lunch and then maybe a tour, even dinner, and then the drive home, alone together . Adrian was asking for a whole day affair.

Though Jeff knew it was unlikely that anything would happen—Adrian didn’t know Jeff was gay, and Jeff was 99.99999% certain that Adrian was not gay–the chance to spend that much time alone with Adrian made Jeff feel like it was an opportunity for something . Maybe Jeff would come out to Adrian, maybe Adrian would come out to Jeff, maybe they would hold hands while driving, maybe they would kiss, maybe Adrian would declare his love for Jeff, suggesting they get a hotel room and stay the night, having already planned out what they would tell their parents. Maybe Jeff would finally have a boyfriend. Or, maybe, Jeff thought, bringing himself back to reality, he would simply finally have someone to talk to.

WICHITA 20 MILES WELLINGTON 55 MILES OKLA. CITY 182 MILES Jeff tried to time his glances to Adrian’s face with the headlights of oncoming cars, hopeful to catch a glimpse of something, anything , in his eyes.

“Sorry, you don’t mind the music, right? You can choose a CD if you want,” Jeff tried, feeling stupid for asking such a question near the end of their trip.

“Nah, this is fine with me,” Adrian said. Finally, Adrian’s eyes moved away from the road and onto Jeff’s. There was a message there, Jeff knew it, but he honestly didn’t know what it was.

This too was something Jeff was used to. Jeff was constantly in search of some kind of nuance behind everything that Adrian did or said–every word, every look, every movement was an opportunity for Jeff to divine Adrian’s interest in him. And mostly, to Jeff’s dismay, nothing could ever be discerned…until it could. Indeed, what spurred Jeff on, what kept him going down this interstate of infatuation, were the occasional signs, or what Jeff thought were signs, of some kind of mutual interest.

The most recent signs had appeared the evening of the fall homecoming dance a few weeks prior to this momentous Saturday. His friend group had dressed up and met at their friend Brian’s house for pictures before heading over to the school together. When Jeff arrived, he immediately looked for Adrian, and after he scanned the room for a second, he spotted him sitting on the couch with their friend Jason. To Jeff’s surprise, Adrian was looking directly at him, and he couldn’t help but wonder if Adrian had been waiting for him, watching the door for his arrival. Adrian smiled at him and then turned back to Jason. For a moment Jeff stood frozen in the room, unable to decide what to do next until Brian’s parents yelled for everyone to head outside for pictures.

Despite this burning look he received upon entering Brian’s house, he and Adrian didn’t interact until later at the dance. Jeff was standing off to the side away from the dance floor studying Adrian as he danced with his on-again-off-again girlfriend, Kara, when Adrian stopped dancing and started to head off the dance floor towards Jeff. Adrian was walking with such purpose that Jeff half-wondered if he was coming to tell Jeff to stop staring, half-wondered if this was the moment they would finally kiss.

“Having fun?” Adrian said with a big, knowing smile. He had to lean in close to Jeff so he could be heard over the blaring sound of early 2000s hip hop music. Jeff felt Adrian’s nose touch his ear before Adrian corrected himself away from Jeff. “Oh, tons. I love this,” Jeff deadpanned over the voice of Mary J. Blige. He hated dances because it reminded him that he couldn’t dance with the person he most wanted to, but he always went because he also hated the idea of missing out on an opportunity to be with Adrian. “You should head out there, find someone to boogie with!” Adrian clapped Jeff on the shoulder. He was teasing Jeff, which Jeff loathed and adored in equal measure. “Did you just say ‘boogie with’?” Jeff gave Adrian an incredulous and disgusted look. “Who are you? My grandpa?”

Adrian laughed and shoved Jeff a little. “Come on! It’ll be fun. You can come dance with Kara and me. And Alicia’s there, too.” Jeff saw Kara and Alica waving vigorously from the dance floor. He really didn’t want to dance with Adrian and Kara and Alicia. But he didn’t want to be a party pooper in front of Adrian either.

Jeff rolled his eyes dramatically. “Geez, fine!” Adrian’s face flashed with genuine surprise. “Really? Nice!” He grabbed Jeff by the elbow to drag him out to the middle of the dance floor. Jeff’s arm burned where Adrian held him, and he didn’t know how Adrian wasn’t pulling back his hand. When they got to the center where all of their friends were, Adrian announced Jeff’s arrival, which again embarrassed but also pleased him.

After everyone acknowledged his presence they all went back to concentrating on dancing. He soon found himself getting caught up in the mood around him. From the outside, he must have looked…happy. And as the music started to move through him, he realized he was having more fun than he expected. Jeff gazed at his friends and pinpointed a feeling of belonging, of non-otherness, that wasn’t usually there. For a brief moment, Jeff felt like he was one of them , and the relief was as palpable as the thumping of the bass. And then the DJ changed the song to a slow song.

He had been mortified to be caught on the dance floor at such a moment and quickly started to make his way off. After a few steps, he felt a strong hand on his shoulder and found Adrian pointing to Alicia, who was waving Jeff over to her. He examined Adrian’s face in the colorful dance floor light to see if he could glean any meaning from this, from Adrian’s preoccupation with Jeff dancing with Alicia. But he couldn’t, he could only see Adrian’s encouraging smile.

Instead of risking coming across as rude or drawing attention to his lack of desire, he moved towards Alicia and smiled, “Hey, shall we dance?” Alicia nodded and put her arms around his neck as he put his hands around her waist.

He caught Adrian’s eye one more time. This time, he didn’t have to wonder if Adrian was looking at him because Adrian’s look seemed to barrel into him. Jeff didn’t know how else to interpret the intensity of Adrian’s stare. It had to mean something, right? But the longer he held Adrian’s eyes, Jeff realized that it was his own sadness being reflected back to him. Adrian may have wanted to tell Jeff something, but suddenly Jeff wasn’t sure he wanted to hear it. At this, Jeff, almost begrudgingly, turned away. He regretted it immediately. When he looked back a few seconds later, Adrian had already buried his face in Kara’s neck.

Part of him wished at that moment that his crush was on Alicia and not Adrian, that this moment with her could have been the start of something, something that didn’t have to risk losing his family and friends. But he knew it would never be like that for him, and all that rushing happiness that had flowed through the music and into him for the last fifteen minutes was mopped up and wrung out.

Jeff stayed away from the dance floor for the rest of the night and none of his friends tried to coax him on again.

CITY LIMIT WICHITA

POP 355,076 As the car ride stretched on without any semblance of conversation, let alone proclamations of love, Jeff began to berate himself for being so pathetic. One for having thought something would happen at all, let alone of its own (that is, Adrian’s) making, and two, for being unable and too afraid to initiate some sort of chain of events, whatever that might be.

On the way to Topeka, they hadn’t spoken much either, but Jeff had chalked that up to the early hour and anxiousness about the test. And then after the test they had talked a lot, but mostly about the test and the answers they got to different questions and pondering how they did. Both of them felt like they had done poorly, but both of them told the other that they were sure they had done great. And then they had the tour, where they talked only occasionally, trying to listen to the guide, but making time for jokes and comments about what they were seeing or awkward things the guide said. Later they had gotten a quick bite to eat at Wendy’s (Adrian made Jeff choose), where they scarfed down their food and barely spoke.

Now they were alone, really alone, without distraction. Perhaps they were tired from a long day, but Jeff didn’t think this excuse held out for an entire trip from Topeka to Wichita. The more silence there was, the more intensely Jeff wanted, needed , something to happen. This was the time. Every road sign they passed seemed to have been overwritten with the word TALK. Talk, talk, talk. Why couldn’t they just talk? The thought occurred to Jeff that he didn't even know what he would say. Was he really just going to say “I’m gay”? Or, worse, “I’m in love with you.” He pictured Adrian freaking out and asking Jeff to stop the car so he could get out and call someone else, or maybe even the police.

But what if Adrian was waiting to say something? Maybe that’s why he wasn’t speaking. He was too scared, too afraid of the same rejection. No, not just rejection, absolute ostracism. Maybe neither of them could find the words to say the one thing they most did and didn’t want to say, and it was clogging up their throats and mouths until they could no longer breathe.

WELCOME TO CEDAR PARK COMMUNITY Time was both rushing by and stretching out, and suddenly, but not for the first time, Jeff wished he were a different person. A braver one. One that spoke. One that wasn’t shy. One that wasn’t afraid of being who he was. One that could be the stronger person for the both of them. One that could help them cross that impassable bridge. But he wasn’t. And they didn’t speak. With each passing block, Jeff became more and more agitated and yet quieter and quieter, until he was only a sigh and Adrian only the sound of breathing. At last, Jeff pulled into Adrian’s driveway, and in a small moment of bravery, he parked and turned off the car. He felt Adrian’s eyes on him then but neither of them moved and again there was only silence for a few moments, perhaps only milliseconds, until Jeff cleared his throat.

“Thanks for the ride.” For a second, Jeff was confused, thinking he had spoken. But it was Adrian’s voice coming through the silence.

“Um, right. Yeah, no problem.” Adrian grabbed the door handle.

“Um,” Jeff said, clearing his throat again.

“Hm?” Jeff saw the mountain of syllables in front of him and couldn’t bring himself to climb it.

“Did you say something?” “No, sorry. No. I didn’t. Yeah, ok, cool. I guess, um…” Jeff waited at that moment for any kind of sign from Adrian, but there was nothing. Adrian was acting as if this was all normal and expected. “Yeah, I guess I’ll see you Monday?”

Adrian nodded, “Yeah, see you Monday.” And then he climbed out and shut the door.

The rush of air from the door hit Jeff in the face, bringing with it the realization that on this Saturday unlike any other, but somehow exactly the same as every other day, he was ending it the same way he started it: alone.