If a person expresses disagreement with or disapproval of you in a way that makes you feel shameful and guilty, or if they call you names or attack you in some other way, they’re likely being a destructively critical frenemy. When a true friend disagrees with you or your actions, they are instead constructively critical. This usually involves offering loving advice and help that doesn’t leave you feeling judged.  Frenemies often mask their destructive criticism with humor.  A frenemy may even have something negative or critical to say about your accomplishments and good fortune, or they might blame you for their own failures or misfortunes. While a true friend always keeps your wants and needs in mind, a frenemy will rarely make an effort to make your life easier or better. For example, if you’ve been a vegetarian for years and the person invites you and others over for a meat-heavy dinner with no alternative options, then they’re likely being purposely inconsiderate. While it may not seem like it on the surface, a person who gives you lots of attention, tells you their secrets, and asks you personal questions right away probably doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Recognize immediate obsession with you as a red flag.  Frenemies try to get too close to you too soon because they want you to feel tied to them. They’re probably giving you attention because they want it back for themselves. Frenemies are often masters at the art of backhanded compliments, which are those compliments that sound okay at first but turn out to be offensive. If this sounds familiar, you might have a frenemy on your hands. For example, they may say something like: "I like it when you wash your hair; that's when it looks pretty." This is suggesting that you are ugly without your hair washed. When trying to figure out if someone is your frenemy, listen to your instincts. How does being with this person leave you feeling? Use your feelings to identify whether or not this is a healthy, positive, genuine relationship.  If you feel uplifted in their presence, then they most likely aren’t a frenemy. If they typically leave you feeling drained, defensive, and unsupported, they might be a frenemy.

Summary:
Identify a frenemy by their destructive criticism. Recognize a frenemy by their lack of consideration. Spot a frenemy by their immediate, persistent interest in you. Recognize a frenemy by their backhanded compliments. Reflect on how you feel after spending time with the person.