Article: Why do your friends dislike one another?  There might be one reason or many.  Your friends may not get along because one or the other of them acted badly. Whatever the cause(s), identifying them is the first step toward resolution.  Ask each friend why the conflict began.  Let's say you have two friends, Armin and Sam.  Ask Sam why he dislikes Armin.  Maybe Sam doesn't really have a reason, but just feels vaguely uncomfortable or uneasy around Armin.  Go to Armin next.  Repeat your question.  From Armin, you learn that at some point, Sam said something that hurt Armin's feelings, or made him feel insulted.  Maybe they had an argument over something.  Whatever the case may be, armed with a basic understanding of the problem, you can try to work with them to resolve it.  Sometimes your friends may not tell you why the conflict began.  Perhaps they both said or did something wrong and are afraid, ashamed, or embarrassed to share it with you.  In this case, with the permission of your friends, you might try to enlist the help of a third party trained in conflict management to investigate why the conflict between your friends began.  Many conflicts are caused by simple misunderstandings. Perhaps Sam failed to remember Armin’s birthday; perhaps he thought Armin badmouthed him behind his back.  Helping your friends identify the roots of their conflict can empower them to move past it. When your friends fight, you’re put in a difficult, and often stressful, position.  After all, you must constantly watch what you say, choose how to balance your time, and endure hearing negative comments about one from the mouth of the other.  If your friends understand this, they will be more willing to bury the hatchet.  Not talking about negative emotions like frustration, emotional hurt, or disappointment will only enlarge them.  Talking to your friends about your feelings on their conflict is important not only for its potential to speed their swift resolution but for its ability to give you good mental health.  If your friend is a narcissist who does not care about your feelings, and is unable to concern themselves with your feelings and point of view, don’t bother sharing them with that friend.   You can detect a narcissist by listening to their response when you share your own perspective.  For instance, you may explain  to Sam that you feel stressed by his fight with Armin.  If Sam replies that he, too feels stressed and does not appear to be acknowledging the psychic pain you’re experiencing, Sam is a classic narcissist.  Limit spending your valuable time with such a person. Do not blame or attack when expressing how you feel.  Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements.  In other words, instead of saying “You’re very inconsiderate and it stresses me out,” say “I feel very stressed by this whole situation.”  Where the former sentence is accusatory and will inspire the listener to defend him or herself, the latter sentence is explanatory and personal, and engages the listener in dialogue.  If you have a hard time giving voice to what you feel, write it out before addressing your friends.  This will allow you to explain yourself more fully without dealing the the pressure that sometimes comes from a face-to-face meeting. When you mediate a situation, you act as a referee, trying to get the two of them to bring their problems and concerns out in the open with the goal of reconciliation.  It can be a challenge, but is well worth it when two people who hate each other are finally able to set aside their anger and hate.  Bring both people to a neutral location.  Do not meet in either of their homes.  The one on "home turf" may feel they are the boss, and the one who is not will feel ill at ease.  Private rooms in a library or school are good options. Thank them both for meeting each other with the intent to settle their differences.  Let them know that they are both important to you and you want to see them patch things up. Lay the ground rules: interrupting each other, name-calling, yelling, and other emotional outbursts are forbidden.  Insist each party acts with mutual respect and remains open-minded.  Without these basic guidelines in place, the process could easily deteriorate into a shouting contest. Encourage each party to speak their minds.  Ensure the other listens carefully to the opposing perspective.  If either side feels they are not being heard or the mediation effort is futile, they will not invest themselves in the process and it will be fruitless for all three of you.  Illustrate to them how similar they are.  Find the common ground between them -- especially the fact that they are both friends of yours. If it starts to turn ugly, put a stop to it.  "All right, all right,” you might say.  “It's pretty plain to see that you guys are not going to be able to work this out today.  I plan to remain friends with both of you, so I hope that you will try to be civil to one another in the future." If you do not believe you are unbiased enough to settle the dispute, identify and seek assistance from someone with the diplomatic skills who may be able to.  A good conflict mediator will be neutral (evaluate the situation objectively); impartial (act without a stake in the outcome); and fair (approach each side in a balanced manner).  Enlisting help of am unbiased third party who does not know either friend is a good idea if you do not want to mediate yourself. Don't expect them to patch up everything overnight.  If the first mediation is unsuccessful, don’t give up.  Use the experience to plan another one.  Talk to each individual about their thoughts after the first mediation session.  If you detect a softening of attitude or tone in both or either party, suggest a follow-up mediation in another week or so. Continue to offer your support and friendship to both, and if one or another of your friends broaches the subject, express your continued hope that a positive resolution can be found. Do not try to pressure either party into accepting a resolution they are unhappy with.  This will either break down the resolution process entirely or cause one (or both) friends to feel resentful at having been “forced” into a bad deal. Brainstorm some possible resolutions with the interested parties.  Each individual should have some input.  Look for win-win solutions where both individuals walk away happy.  For instance, if the problem is that Sam felt snubbed because Armin didn’t invite him to his party, suggest that Armin invite Sam to his next party as the guest of honor.  With all the possibilities in front of you, consider the pros and cons of each.  Print a spreadsheet outlining each possibility with the pros and cons and distribute one to each friend. Keep both friends focused on finding an outcome.  Continue to push them toward compromise and give each individual equal time to speak.  Paraphrase and ask questions of each friend’s statements at regular intervals to ensure you are understanding them correctly.  Give each a chance to modify what they have to say if any confusion arises. A lasting resolution must address both the substantive and emotional issues. Substantive issues are objective facts which are not debatable.  For instance, Armin crashed Sam’s car into a wall -- that’s a substantive issue and might be the central trigger which led to the conflict between them. Sam felt betrayed and let down by Armin because he’d loaned Armin the car in good faith with the pledge that nothing would happen to it.  Sam’s feelings of betrayal and disappointment are the emotional issues.   A resolution for a substantive issue, using the above example,  might be Armin paying for the repairs to the damaged car.  A resolution to the emotional issues might be Armin admitting his wrongdoing and apologizing to Sam, and Sam accepting that apology. If one or the other of your friends won’t accept a resolution, return to the process of asking questions, listening to their reasoning, and understanding what their desires are.  Listen to what they have to say and continue working with them toward a resolution.
What is a summary of what this article is about?
Discover the sources of the conflict. Explain how their conflict hurts you. Mediate the dispute. Be patient. Come to a resolution.