Article: Boundaries are important to relationships as well as your own self-respect. Consider it an important way to take care of yourself. Be clear and firm in establishing what is appropriate. Confusion will occur if you remain vague. Instead of “We can talk on the phone,” a clearer boundary would be “I will call you once a week.” Call them as scheduled or visit as you agreed to. If you plan to visit your family, let them know when they can expect to see you. For example, “I need some space right now, but I will be back for Nana’s party in April. Maybe we can revisit some of these issues at that time.” Your family members may have a difficult time adhering to the boundaries you have established, particularly if they are distraught and seeking answers. You may feel tremendous pressure to engage them.  Don’t answer excessive phone calls or emails. If you said you would email once a week, you are under no obligation to do more than what you agreed to. If they visit without your permission, ask them to leave. You can say, “I am sorry that you drove all this way to visit, but I am not ready to communicate with you right now. I will let you know when that is. For now, I ask that you leave.” Keep in mind that your family will likely be angry with you for enforcing your boundaries. A supportive therapist will help you name, maintain, and validate your boundaries with your family.  A therapist can also help you work through other issues you are dealing with after cutting ties with your family, such as feelings of guilt, depression, and anger.  A therapist can also recommend a support group that may be helpful to you. Accepting money from family is not good in the best of circumstances, but be cautious of opening the door for other offers of help as well. You may end up feeling indebted to them, and thus guilty that you haven’t been a “better” family member. If you see your family making some positive changes, be open to reconnecting with them. You can adjust your contact to your comfort level. Reconnecting with your family may be painful as you revisit old wounds. Consider working with a family therapist. A family therapist will take the whole family system into account in order to give your whole family appropriate ways to heal.
What is a summary of what this article is about?
Give yourself permission to set limits. Establish what kind of contact will be acceptable to you, if any. Hold up your end of the agreement. Be prepared for intrusions. Seek counseling. Be cautious in accepting offers of help. Be flexible.