Definition: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a title for this text. The title should start with "TIFU by", followed by a situation that caused humor. The title should contain 7-12 words, ideally.
Input: Text: throwaway because friends + gf know my reddit.


so this actually happened yesterday, which is not too far from today, so i feel okay calling it a tifu. and yes, this has been wilfully over dramaticised in an attempt to make it more entertaining, but it is nonetheless an accurate description of the second most mortifying moment of my life (i will not talk about the first).


on this particular evening i was running a little late at the office with a project i was working on. i also really needed a piss. you know when you're trying to concentrate on something but your bladder's pressure warning system won't shut up, and you end up having to do some retarded hip-dance/seizure to not piss yourself? yeah i had surreptitiously been doing that for about 10 minutes. why you ask? i was so close to wrapping up for the day, i decided to just hold it until i was done. so like i said i wasn't super late, but i was finishing up around 5:15pm. this isn't a big deal usually – if i'm gonna be late, i just say 'fuck it' and get the 6:40pm train instead of the 5:40pm train. but yesterday i figured i had just about enough time to get to the station if i hurried up.


it's like 5:22pm and i'm getting my coat on as i leave the office. by this time the urine-pressure readings had temporarily subsided – the calm before the storm – but i was really looking forward to getting some sweet relief. my office is halfway up a large-ish complex, with toilets every other floor. i exited my office and gleefully turned left to go the toilet on our floor, only to find a motherfucking “out of order” sign on it. i was already running behind schedule, so i thought 'fuck it i'll just go at the train station'. that there is where i think my first fu of the day was.


i start to mentally compose myself, getting my urinary tract ready for the 15 minute power walk to the station. by the time the lift (elevator) gets to the ground floor, my bladder has gone back to yelling at me. “damn it,” i thought, “i should have just gone to the other toilet and resigned myself to the 6:40 train.” but no, for no reason whatsoever i decided it was too late to go back.


it's probably about 5:32pm, i'm trying to power walk while simultaneously doing the anti-piss dance of retardation. it's working poorly. i probably look like a reanimated corpse on stimulants. my crotch is almost burning at this point, and i can't help but think back to all the times throughout the day i had a coffee or a glass of water, and i hate myself a little bit more for each one i remember. a couple of minutes go by and i have a sudden panic that i'm not going to make it – i try to run, but the dramatic muscle movements threaten to blow gallons of pressurised urine out of every orifice, so i sling that plan on the rubbish heap after just a few metres. i'm not far though – i can see the station beyond a haze of rush-hour traffic and tired looking commuters. i resolve to just hold on a bit longer.


it starts to rain a bit – i honestly think to myself “maybe if i get soaked enough by the rain, no one would notice if i just pissed myself.” a tiny part of my brain thinks this is a great idea, but luckily the rest of my brain shits on it before i act. i just power on through, one step after another.


…


skip forward a few agonising minutes and i'm walking through the station. signs everywhere are telling me it's 5:38pm. “i've made it!” i think. i just have to get to the toilet now, and then hopefully i can make it to the platform in time.

i run past the 'no running' signs in the station, down the stairs and into the gents' toilets. it's heaving. so many middle aged suit-wearing men having their own pre-voyage pisses. i'm becoming delirious. i contemplate standing off respectably and waiting my turn at the wide steel urinal, but that plan vanishes after half a second. *you have five seconds to get to a toilet* i hear my bladder say, *then it's all coming out whether you're ready or not*. i've put my bladder through enough, so i go for it. i  hurry up to the line of dawdling urineers already at the wall, and break every sacred public toilet code by shoving people aside to gain better access. i'm sure if i'd been shameless enough to look around, i would have seen shock, horror, and disgust on the faces of those around me.

but i have no time to think about this. i start tearing at my belt buckle, desperately trying to wrench my junk from my boxer shorts and no-longer stylish slim-fit chinos. my fingers clasp gleefully around my dick and relief washes over me like a tidal wave as i unclench the exhausted muscles in my pelvis, and prepare to unleash a veritable torrent of piss.


but then it happens.


now, my penis is pretty much average in the size department. i am what you might call a 'grow-er' rather than a 'show-er'. so while i'm a very acceptable 5.9” during the throes of passion, if it's cold and damp and i really need the toilet i can honestly only manage about 2.5”. it's cool, it's no biggie (literally), and there's nothing politically, anatomically, or morally wrong with having a small flaccid penis. but there is an inherent risk you have to be aware of.


if i grab my penis too fast or too firmly, the outer layer of skin (including the foreskin) can kind of 'slide' over the penis-proper, causing me to hold a kind of concertina of skin at the end while the meat of my schlong slips back into the depths of my body. this probably sounds super duper weird if you don't also have a tiny penis.


but to cut to the chase – that happened. why is this bad? i hear you ask. well when this happens your fingers are no longer applying any pressure to your urethra, which in my situation meant that there was nothing stopping the torrential flow of urine into the empty pocket of skin i had created. (for uninformed women out there: you use your fingers as a kind of flow-rate valve, or at least i do...).


so flashback to the urinal. i'm stood there shoulder to shoulder with a bunch of other dudes, and i instantly realise something has gone horribly wrong. but it's too late to go back, and i clamp down on my foreskin with thumb and finger as my junk-skin inflates like the world's most awful water balloon. yes, i am basically urinating into a makeshift compartment made from my own penis. but no matter how hard i try i can't clench hard enough to stop the flow – there really is no going back now. i have to crush the life out of my foreskin to hold back the rapidly increasing pressure, and it's starting to hurt. i know i have to do something, and fast. - this all took place over the course of about 2 seconds by the way.


i know if i leave it any longer i'm going to have some kind of catastrophic containment failure, and piss is liable to go *everywhere*. i do not want this urine balloon from hell to start emptying itself randomly around me, and i conclude (for some reason) my only option is to try and release the pressure all in one go in one direction, and hope to god it doesn't go wrong.

this is about three seconds into the urine-experience, and the pressure is out and out painful by this point. it's now or never. i take a deep breath, murmur a silent prayer to no one in particular, angle myself slightly to reduce direct splash-back, and just fucking let go of my dick. this proved to be the biggest fuck up.


it doesn't come out in a column, or a stream, or a torrent. it fucking *erupts* in a shotgun blast of piss that explodes out of my crotch like nothing ever has before. the whole, unpleasantly large mass of urine hit the back of the urinal in one go, and violently rebounded all over myself, and *four other fucking guys at the urinal*. all at once they recoiled reflexively, their own piss-streams criss-crossing madly, before they all turned their faces down to stare at my small, still-urinating penis. then they looked up at me. oh god the looks on their faces. confusion, anger, disgust, disbelief – it was all there. there was piss on their trousers, their ties, their shirts -  one poor guy even had a bit of piss on his chin. it was awful. fucking awful.


i finished up, murmured a ceaseless and intelligible mess of apologies, and dashed over to the hand washing station. as soon as i was done, i ran to the furthest platform on the station and waited there until the 6:40 train arrived.


i wrote this out partly for fun, and partly to try and get it off my chest, but oh god this will stay with me for some time.

TIFU by mishandling my penis in a public toilet. [NSFW]