Definition: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a title for this text. The title should start with "TIFU by", followed by a situation that caused humor. The title should contain 7-12 words, ideally.
Input: Text: obligatory: not today, but happened last christmas season. 

during one of my 9 am morning shits in december last year, i discovered a *lot* of blood on the toilet paper upon wiping. i never felt like anything had been wrong while the movement was taking place, so i had no idea what was coming. i could feel the color leave my face. had to have been an 8/10 on the whiteness scale. 

i immediately walked and talked to my supervisor and said i felt sick enough that i needed to get checked out asap. they also made a comment about how white my face looked. 

on my way to the er, which was close to my work anyway, i text a friend what had been going on and that i was going to get checked out, and no one else. 

i always wonder how people who work in reception deal with arrivals like mine. “what are you here to be seen about today?” me, paraphrasing: “ass blood.”

there’s been a history of colitis in my family. i have usually been health conscious and know my family’s medical history going a ways back. it also includes cancer. i had webmd levels of self diagnosis freak out at first, even knowing it could be anything or even still more probably: nothing. 

i get taken back to the er, take my clothes off, and am instructed to lay on my stomach. they inform me they are going to examine my butt to see if i’d turn anything and get a sample. as the doctor is looking in my ass, i can’t help but wonder if today will get any better, or much worse. 

he tells me he doesn’t see any sort of damage, and takes a sample to the back room to test. i’m sitting in there a while, trying to relax by listening to podcasts and not think about what happened so far that day. 

when the doctor returns to the room, he says here’s good news. whatever i’d found was not blood. that relief is quickly replaced by panic and shame as i realized what i’d done. 

**backstory/flashback**

it’s become a joke to my friends how much i like cookies over the past decade. jokes on jokes on jokes about me and my dear, sweet cookies. 

the night before my hospital visit, i visited my local target establishment and stocked up on all things holidays. ornaments, lights, a new angel for my tree, and holiday cookie mix. among the two mixes i’d bought, *red velvet cookie mix*.

i made cookies that night as i decorated my home, and when they were done i told myself i would only have two. two became 4. as long as i’d eaten 4, i’ll finish off the tupperware. eventually i couldn’t sleep, so i got up to eat more cookies with milk, like a good santa. 

i ate a box of red velvet cookies in one evening. 

**back to present**

the doctor had asked if i’d eaten anything with food dye in it. why, yes i had. i’m 10/10 on the whiteness scale as i realize and explain what had happened. 

bless that man's soul, he tried so hard to hide his reaction. the nurses behind the curtain sure couldn’t when he told them about the cookies. i could pinpoint the moment they learned. i nod, yes i deserved that. 

i wipe the rest of the lube off my ass and put my pants back on. ready to put the not-quite-butt-blood incident behind me, i head back out into the world. a little more wary of cookies than i once was. 

 

happy holidays everyone!

TIFU by thinking I was pooping blood and heading right to the emergency room. [NSFW]