Definition: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a title for this text. The title should start with "TIFU by", followed by a situation that caused humor. The title should contain 7-12 words, ideally.
Input: Text: this did not actually happen today, but i found the write-up from when it did happen a few years back and thought y'all might enjoy it. i am quite certain there are those among you who have endured much worse, but it was a new experience for me. .

i awoke after a mostly sleepless night of incessant coughing, reflecting that my bronchitis/sinus problems were definitely getting worse and that a visit to the doctor was in order soon.  while i was preparing for my morning shower, i became aware of a distinctly odd sensation in my "swimsuit area."  a quick investigation brought horrifying results.  i had a disturbingly large, angry red lump on the underside of my  . . . you know.  my "junior partner."  my "southern correspondent," if you will.  it looked like i was trying to grow a second one!  i had momentary visions of my everlasting fame in medical textbooks.

discovering that old quasimodo had developed a hunchback was rather shocking, as nothing like this had ever happened down there before, nor did i have any reason to expect that it would, being a happily and faithfully married man.  i opted to try to make it through the workday.  meanwhile, quasimodo was sending me ever more frequent reminders that there was "trouble on the border."  i was also getting dizzy and generally feeling absolutely crappy, so in the mid-afternoon i left early and went to the urgent care across the street.  these folks have always done a good job when i have visited them before, so i was sure they'd be able to help.

i walked through the door.  the receptionist greeted me and asked "what brings you here today?"  i was about to answer when i noticed the tv news crew!  nope, not kidding.  i managed to come in just as a news crew was filming a segment for the 10 o clock news about the urgent care facility and the sudden uprise in respiratory illnesses after the thanksgiving holiday.  i could faintly hear the laws of probability laughing hysterically at me.

taking no chances, i told the receptionist i was there for a cough, and other reasons that i'd explain later.  in the back room.  when there wasn't a tv camera pointed in our general direction.  not too long afterwards, i was in an exam room, speaking to a nice nurse about both my persistent cough, and quasimodo's predicament.

"let's deal with the cough first" she said.  i had no objections.  turns out i had a sinus and ear infection.  that would explain the dizziness and general craptastic feeling of exhaustion all day.  she said she'd prescribe antibiotics, then said "now, let's check out the other problem."
 
feeling somewhat awkward, i stalled for time.  "so, i should just . . . uh . . ."
 
"yep." she said.

i dropped my trousers, and the nurse took a look.  then she grabbed quasimodo and positioned him for proper viewing of the afflicted area.  the infection was nastier and more horrifying than ever.  "wow, that's pretty big." she said.  being a well-bred and respectful man, as well as being pretty much totally at her mercy, i declined to make the obvious comment here.  besides, we both knew she was talking about the lump.

"hold that thought, i'm going to get the doctor," she said, and whisked out of the room.  i stood there for a moment, thinking "wow.  the nurse just called for backup!  that can't be good, can it?" 

a few minutes later, the doctor arrived.  he said "what do we have here, an ingrown hair?  let's have a look."  i felt relieved.  "it's not that bad," i told myself, "he'll just tell me the antibiotics should take care of it, maybe at the worst, poke it with a needle."  the doc took a look.  "you've got a cyst," he said to me.  "get me a number 11 scalpel." he said to the nurse.

then he said some other things, but i don't know what they were because i all could hear was the word "scalpel . . .scalpel . . .scalpel" going through my head.  i asked him to repeat everything after "scalpel."  he informed me that the cyst was infected and would need to be drained.  he would need to make a small incision.

now, at this point, quasimodo began to get very nervous.  seinfeld fans are doubtless familiar with the concept of "shrinkage."  well, there was significant shrinkage at this point.  then the doctor said "now, we could use a local anesthetic, but i'll be honest, it's going to hurt either way – the anesthetic will probably hurt longer than the actual incision will."

i smiled confidently (at least i told myself it was a confident smile – i noticed my voice had gone up an octave, though), and said "you're the doc, you know best."  i thought to myself, "did i just agree to have my manhood sliced into without benefit of painkillers?"  the doctor was saying something again, but i didn't really hear any of it.  "shrinkage" no longer seemed an adequate word.  quasimodo was now attempting to retreat completely from view, and my eyes were fixed upon the gleaming blade being carried by the nurse as she re-entered the room.

now, a number 11 scalpel is not very big.  i know this, from a rational point of view.  however, as it approached old quasimodo, it looked like it ought to be on the bottom of a lawn mower deck somewhere.  my brain dealt with this threat quickly and decisively.  it dumped my entire reserves of adrenaline into my bloodstream, and sent a series of urgent survival commands to my body.  these commands were as follows:  "ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun, you fool!"

alas, i could not run.  the nurse had regained her grip on quasimodo, and i was bared to the blade.  i reflected with a sense of poignant longing on my awakening earlier that day, when the worst problem i had was exhaustion and a terrible cough.  it was a happier, more innocent time when the idea of a knife-wielding maniac going after my privates was not even on my radar.

the doctor said "this is going to hurt, but you can stand it for two seconds.  that's all i will need, just two seconds. try not to move."  i should mention at this point, that i had regained a shaky sense of calm by telling myself "he's just going to make a quick cut across the surface of the skin.  just a scratch, really."  i was just finishing telling myself that, when he drove the point of the scalpel directly down into the cyst!  i had been skewered!  helpfully, he began counting the two seconds for me.  i remember distinctly—he said

"oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee . . . . . . . thoooooooouuuuuuuuussssssaaaaaaaanddddddddd oooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee……ooooooooooooooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeeeeeeee thooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuussssssaaaaaaaannnnnnddddddddddd twoooooooooooooooooooooooo . . . . doooooooooooooooooooone."

while the longest two seconds in my life were counted out, i was very busy.  one part of my brain was still shrieking "ruuuuuuuun!" while another part was yelling "don't move, you fool!" and the rest of it was just mumbling "knife in my penis! knife in my penis! knife in my penis!" over and over.  the "don't move" portion of my brain won out, because when a man with a knife at your junk tells you not to move, you bloody well don't move!  the blade went a lot deeper than i had expected it to, and then the doctor sliced down – just a fraction of an inch—and wiggled the blade just a tiny bit. 

to put it succinctly, it was a sensation not unlike pain.  

i will spare you a description of the aftermath, as it was gory and disgusting and not at all funny.  when it was over, the doc informed me i should come back on friday, since if the cyst didn't drain out completely, we'd have to do a local anesthetic and "cut it out and stitch it up."  i gather that this will be a more involved, and presumably more painful process, since we tried to avoid it the first time.  i can hardly wait for friday.

final note:  apparently these cysts "just happen." – mine had probably been lurking in an uninfected form for a while, and only got noticed once infection started.  they aren't dangerous, but once infected they need to get dealt with.  the doctor and staff at the urgent care were great, and the procedure really was less painful than i thought it would be – but then, i do have a very vivid imagination.  i'd try to score macho points for having it done without anesthetic, but quasimodo is living in fear of friday and totally ruining my machismo.

TIFU By Getting Stabbed in the Happy Place (Somewhat NSFW)