Definition: Given a real-life anecdote of a complex ethical situation, generate a suitable title that describes the main event/root cause of the situation. Imagine that the given text is a social media post, and you have to write the title of the post, so the users can decide to read the main text or not.
Input: Yesterday was my deceased infant brother's 5th birthday and death anniversary-- he didn't make it 24 hours despite initial evaluations and positive reflex exams. Suddenly, things declined. I didn't know he had died until 3 hours after I was waiting for my mother near her hospital room where I had not seen her at all upon arrival.

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I was somewhat of a major fuckup in my early 20s. I was independent, but very troubled. Worried my mother a lot inadvertently with mental illness, xanax problems and serious suicide attempts. I was attacked in my building one night on my way home, and the prescription use spiraled, and I just spun out of control in addition to a bunch of other things.

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I was thrilled. Really, I was. I don't wan't children, and I thought that being present and a being a third person for a new little person to trust would be amazing. 

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But to this day, I feel and know that that some small factor of my mom stressing out over me likely caused a higher probability of premature fetal distress, which happened. He essentially ran out of oxygen close to delivery and with the systemic damage from lack of oxygen and fluid until it was too late. It sucks, and I tend to wallow a bit but not to make it my own tragedy anymore yearly. I was with my family the whole time-- in the NICU, hackling the nurses to turn the fucking happy baby music in the hallways for 20 minutes for us to get her together because I was furious for her. The baby was passed around. I apologized to him. It was fucking horrific. My mother and I were **not** close, I still have many unresolved issues, but I was the very best I could be for her when she needed me. I have tried to make my own peace...

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However, on the general topic of child loss that comes up in conversation more often than I'd like (because I find that she fixates on it frequently and I try to understand), she has on more than one occasion said: "No way-- losing a brand new baby is much worse than an older child."

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Now...I'm 26. I am her one and only daughter. She raised me alone, married when I was 12, and got pregnant when I was 20. Essentially, we grew up together. I saw her finish her education, work 3 jobs, get her heart broken, never skip a month's rent despite all of it and she will never know, but no one knows that woman like I do. Thus, that statement that she's made many of times makes me *furious*. I hold my tongue when it comes up between just us or amongst social gatherings. The most frequent was at dinner a few weeks ago. My step-dad's brother flew into town for a visit, and we went out to catch up. He told us a tragic story about a couple he knows who's baby just recently died of SIDS, and that he found out after he booked the trip and felt guilty about not being there for the services. Other shared tragic stories amongst us, the usual. Then (again) arose the comment from my mother, "Nope, I'm sorry but losing a baby or an infant is a lot more traumatic than a child; at least you have memories with the child."

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And I'm sitting right there. I think I may have said something, like "Uh, hello-- I'm sitting right here." 

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I've almost died on her. Severe depressive episodes have would me up in near-death situations. I can't understand how she would think something like that, and then to say it. And again, it's not territory I plan to embark on. I've encouraged therapy and the like...

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I think it's fucked up.

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Am I the asshole for this conflicting feeling?

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TL;DR-- Anniversary of infant sister's death is provoking thoughts of recent comments made by my mother that losing a baby is more devastating than losing an older child; I'm her only other child. I think it's an asshole comment to make around me, even if that's what she thinks.

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feeling bitter toward my mother for claiming that losing an infant child is worse/more painful than losing an older child