Definition: Given a real-life anecdote of a complex ethical situation, generate a suitable title that describes the main event/root cause of the situation. Imagine that the given text is a social media post, and you have to write the title of the post, so the users can decide to read the main text or not.
Input: I’m honestly at a loss here, so I’m turning to the most neutral of neutral parties— strangers on the internet.  And sorry, this is long (and if the formatting is fucked up— mobile user). But I just want to provide as much information as I can to get an honest appraisal of whether I’m the asshole here. 

So. I’m a 33 year old woman who is currently in the aftermath of what feels like the most “am I taking fucking crazy pills??!” ever argument with two female friends: one I’ve been friends with for 18 years (32– I’ll call her N) and one I’ve been friends with for 11 (also 33– I’ll call her F). 

I introduced the two of them about two years ago, and gradually I noticed that I was feeling a lot more... judgment, let’s say, coming from the two of them together than I ever did from either of them individually.  Which I tried to just accept and ignore, figuring it was a combination of two strong personalities who both like to be right up against me, who just sort of goes with the flow and doesn’t like to argue or try to justify myself. (Note. I probably should have addressed this all at this point, but... I hate conflict.)

So around a year ago, I had an argument with N about a guy I was hooking up with, which led to her basically telling me that she didn’t want to hear about who I had sex with or who I was seeing because she didn’t like the choices I was making. Which was totally within her right to say, even if it sucked to not be able to talk about that part of my life with her.  (Again, should have addressed this here, probably.)

Fast forward to nowish, when I had an FWB relationship with a bartender from my regular bar.   Again, didn’t tell her about it because of the previous fight and because every time I tried to bring up any guy related things with her after that, she would act very dismissively, telling me that these guys are “garbage human beings” and I’m “not living up to (my) potential” and “can’t do this because (I’m) just going to get hurt.”  Fine. I’m an adult and I understand my actions have consequences, so yup. We good, won’t bring it up anymore since it clearly doesn’t sit well with you. Sucks, but ok.

Well, as things tend to do, it got back to her (even though she doesn’t live in the area), and she and F confronted me about it on NYE.  I apologized for not mentioning my mattress-related activities, but again stressed that I thought N didn’t want to know about it.  It seemed to pass without much incident, though I suppose that could have been due to the lubrication of booze. But I assumed everything was fine.  

However, every time I then mentioned him, she returned to the old pattern of “oh. I don’t care about him.”  So again. Stopped talking about it, particularly once he started seeing someone and the mattress-related activities naturally ceased.  But I continued to be friends with him because, despite the fact that we have completely different views on almost everything, we get along very well, he is always willing to have respectful conversations, to listen to me, and often intellectually challenges me in ways that most of my other friends don’t.  I’m NOT saying that he’s a great person or a saint or anything, but he treats me just fine and that’s generally how I judge people. 

FINALLY coming to the present (about a week ago).  F and N and I are texting about the dating trials of a third friend. I make an offhand joking comment about how I’m so sick of hearing about other people’s relationship problems lately. Which I fully admit probably wasn’t the best idea. Because it led to N asking who I was talking about, me admitting it was my bartender friend and his new lady love, and her responding alternately “oh I don’t care” and “I literally could not care any less.”  Again. Message received, and I changed the subject. 

But N kept bringing it back to this guy and why am I friends with him because she thinks he’s disrespectful and a terrible person and should I really be listening to the relationship problems of a person I used to have sex with, and even going so far as to inquire whether all of our interactions were still appropriate given that he is seeing someone.  All followed by, “sorry if this seems harsh but I just care about you and think you’re making poor choices, and honestly, you’ve been super shady about this whole thing from the beginning.” Which. Ok. That’s maybe a valid perspective?

And I expressed my appreciation for that perspective, honestly, but also expressed that I was fine with the choices I was making and, after at least three rounds of this during this particular conversation, was feeling a little patronized, especially since she had consistently said that she didn’t care to hear about that part of my life, and that while I appreciated that she didn’t like this guy, he is my friend and that’s my choice to make.  (Also, although I didn’t bring it up, N has been seeing someone since December and didn’t share it with me until about three weeks ago, so the fact that she called ME shady didn’t sit well with me for that reason as well.)

Cue the biggest... Event? Shitshow? Whatever. It basically ended with N saying that she was washing her hands of me, since I didn’t think she cared about her friends and how could I when she spent the last year worrying about my feelings and my job and my actions and how I was sleeping and my health and etc etc. 

I tried to clarify that that absolutely wasn’t what I meant, just that she seemed to have expressed that she didn’t want to hear about the men in my life unless they were a relationship prospect or someone she approved of, but she just kept saying that if I thought she didn’t care about me, then fine, she just wouldn’t.  F mostly stopped chiming in around this time (earlier in this shitshow, some discussion was had about a situation in which I was most definitely the asshole to F, which I apologized for and tried to make right.)

It ended with me saying that again, I was sorry that I had made her feel that way, that wasn’t what I intended or thought at all, and that I appreciated all the years of friendship we have shared. 

I haven’t heard from either N or F since, though they’ve both done some “subtweeting” on various forms of social media that I’ve just ignored. 

I... honestly have no idea what happened here, and if I’m the asshole or not.   On one hand I feel bad for what happened, but on the other hand I don’t really feel like I did anything wrong other than not hashing this out earlier.  I just hate that this is happening, and also that it’s over a guy who admittedly isn’t the best person in the world (although lately he has been a much more supportive friend to me than N and F have.)  

This definitely isn’t the hill I would have chosen to die on, but... here I am, I guess. I’d really appreciate some perspective and judgment from you guys. 

standing my ground in an argument about who I choose to be friends with