Definition: Given a real-life anecdote of a complex ethical situation, generate a suitable title that describes the main event/root cause of the situation. Imagine that the given text is a social media post, and you have to write the title of the post, so the users can decide to read the main text or not.
Input: Context: Husband and I (34) live with his parents, as do his brother's family (brother (27), wife (28), daughter (3) son (1)). Parents and BIL family on main floor, husband and I in basement. Busy, cramped household.

Argument from brother and his wife: I have no right to interact with my niece and nephew in an authoritative manner, in a "parenting" manner, no matter what the circumstances.

Argument from me: I've never treated their children even half as harshly as they themselves do, and remaining silent in the face of bad behavior/actions is to be complicit and send the kids the wrong message about socially acceptable behavior.

We have been living together like this since summer of last year (2017). My BIL and his wife had trepidation about moving in but the rest of us were looking forward to it, like a 'Full House’ situation where we could see our niece and nephew every day and have fun.

I became pregnant in late October and morning sickness showed up in early December and stayed my entire pregnancy. I didn't change emotionally, but physically I was overwhelmingly nauseous every single day ALL day for 7.5 months, some days debilitatingly so, and my interactions with everyone was massively reduced. There was the rare time I felt well enough to sit and play or color with my niece and nephew, but it was rare. Overall, I really enjoyed having them around and found joy in the simple things I could do that their parents weren't interested in, such as sitting at the door on a rainy day and listening to and identifying birds in the backyard, or discussing differences in animals and food, or whatever. I found I really enjoyed interacting with them in a teaching aspect.

Now my BIL and wife are very strict in some areas with their kids while surprisingly lax in others. The lax areas include how much noise their kids make, which isn't polite when living with 2 other families. I suffered my entire pregnancy due to their indifference of this fact. Being in the basement, every dropped item on the wooden floor upstairs sounds like a little cannonball exploding, while running in the hallway sounds like a stampede of rhinos. Due to the nature of the house build and duct system, voices carry very well too so raised voices/yelling sounds like it's 5 feet from my head in bed. It's honestly crazy loud and my husband and I have told everyone repeatedly. Simple requests such as having the kids play in the living room instead of stomping around above our head before 9 a.m. on the weekends have gone ignored.

My nephew was just shy of a year old when they moved in and nearly every night of his life, up until June of this year, he would whine and cry for up to an hour after being put to bed, and would wake up whining and crying loud enough you could probably hear it outside - multiple times a night. I was an absolute wreck my whole pregnancy because of it. I got no sleep for months and they never bothered to resolve this behavior. Whenever he is distressed during the day he makes the same noise - a siren-like droning wail that they utterly ignore, even though he persists for minutes and minutes. It's terrible and bothers everyone in the house except for them apparently. 

This noise is what started a 4 hour argument in July that I'm still reeling from.

I was 38 weeks pregnant watching a movie in the living room with my husband (we had no TV of our own). My husband's parents were gone for the weekend and my BIL's family was finishing up after dinner - dishes and getting ready for bed. Something upset my nephew and he started his wailing cry and after 20 seconds or so, when it was clear his parents weren't going to address it, I did what everyone always does and asked him a question to interrupt him and get him to stop and clarify why he's upset. I called out, “What's going on Bruce?” to get his attention, and my sister-in-law snapped back, “I've got it, thanks!” in the same tone she reserves for yelling at her husband and kids. I was shocked she would speak to me like that, and particularly for something as trivial as talking to her kid in an effort to get him to stop carrying on. I was pretty upset but didn't say anything, just went back to my bedroom.

The next evening, my husband's parents came home and were playing and talking with my niece and nephew while my BIL stood there. My BIL and wife have a strict 'no food after 7 rule’ for the kids which we all know. My mother-in-law was giving the kids some chocolate and it was 6:58 and she commented playfully, “Uh oh, hurry up and eat it or I'll get in trouble!” to which I seriously replied, “Yep, you better be careful” (because my SIL has been upset with them before for giving snacks so close to 7), at which my BIL turned towards me, gave me a hard stare and said, “Hey, no, we're not doing that right now” as if I was out of line. My husband heard, called out “What did you just say to my wife?” and that started an argument that lasted until after midnight - 5 hours of surprising accusations.

According to my BIL and wife:

It is extremely inappropriate to correct their children - ever.

This made no sense to my husband or myself and we brought up many instances where we had done so and they promptly told us we were wrong.  Things like:

 The backyard party when my nephew was getting ready to throw a croquet ball onto a glass top table? I was wrong to tell him not to do it, even though my BIL's wife stood there talking to another parent and didn't do or say anything.

 The time my niece kicked my nephew in the back and their parents didn't see? I was wrong to tell her that wasn't okay and to apologize to her brother and tell her parents what she'd done. BIL and wife absolutely heard all of this, but utterly ignored me.

 Interrupting wailing/shouting to get to the root cause and help them work through emotions? Wrong.

 Comforting crying niece and nephew? Turns out they'd just been punished so cuddling them and asking what was the matter was wrong.

Literally every interaction that isn't a watered down, “Hey, cool toy!” is 100% unwelcome.

To reiterate, no one else is as harsh with the kids as their own parents. We don't use sarcasm, we don't swear at them, we don't physically reprimand them (except to keep from doing something dangerous), and we don't ratchet up the intensity - in fact we've never actually shouted or yelled at the kids, whereas all of these tactics are employed by them both.

I know this is long, but months down the road we still have a shattered relationship. They insisted that once I had my kid I would know what they're talking about and agree with them, but I still think they're crazy, it still breaks my heart that I'm not 'allowed’ to have a normal relationship with my niece and nephew, one that includes love and fun and discipline where required. Since having my son they ignored his existence the first few weeks of his life - in fact my BIL's wife still utterly ignores him, while BIL will look at him and talk to him sometimes. 

It's hard to distill complex situations and relationships into some paragraphs, but what do you think? Am I an asshole for interacting with their kids in an authoritative manner? 



interacting with niece/nephew in authoritative manner