Definition: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a title for this text. The title should start with "TIFU by", followed by a situation that caused humor. The title should contain 7-12 words, ideally.
Input: Text: this is happening now.

i absolutely adore dairy products. cheese, butter, cream; you get the idea.

i am highly lactose intolerant.

basically, decided to treat myself to a nice albeit fancy dinner. roast potatoes with heavy cream, chicken cordon bleu mozzarella and gruyère, custard for dessert. the whole shebang.

after a few mouthfuls of creamed potatoes i feel the gates of sauron's eye creaking. clenching it (lactose intolerant people have amazing butt clenching abilities) tight, i soldier on.

as i began on my custard, **sploosh**
brown river flows.

grabbing at my leaky bum with custard in my mouth, i had to forcibly plug my bum (stick my finger up my arse) to stop the semi chunky flood.

3 hours later, i'm still on the can. its been leaking out of me on and off.
sooner or later, i'd probably get hemorrhoids or pass out.

 

edit : i rolled up some tissue paper and stuck it up my bum crack to plug it so i can go to bed. thanks for the replies. i'll look into trying out some of those wonderful lactacid pills!

TIFU Gluttony and the Porcelain throne