Definition: Given a real-life anecdote of a complex ethical situation, generate a suitable title that describes the main event/root cause of the situation. Imagine that the given text is a social media post, and you have to write the title of the post, so the users can decide to read the main text or not.
Input: ***Please note:  I am simply asking if I’m the asshole for how I handled things, NOT if my BF is the asshole***

My BF (36M) and I (38F) have been together over 4 years, and friends 12 years before that.  I’ll call him Joe, to ease storytelling.

One night last week when Joe was drinking at home, he took his Ambien and went to bed.  He started acting amorous.  We’ve talked, in the past, about how unwilling I am to accept his advances when he’s taken his meds. I don’t feel he can give consent if I know he won’t remember our lovemaking.  

Joe told me he was fine with it, and appreciated my concern.  We’ve had evenings where when spooning for the night one thing leads to another and we have sex.  

Last week, the booze plus the Ambien caused him to start sexy-time.  Joe went down on me with no warm up.  It felt awkward, and I pulled away. He told me that he knew I wasn’t going to get off that way, and was going to try something different.  He grabbed a vibrator (Hitachi) and started playing we me. While it was intense, I knew I wasn’t going to orgasm.  I was stone cold sober, and just felt awkward about the whole experience.  

We’ve played with BDSM where I am very much submissive. This particular evening, he decided to top me in ways we had discussed but never formalized the boundaries.  Joe started getting rough.  Fingering me really hard, realizing it was his ticket to get me to squirt, then trying to shove his fist in me-something we’ve never done before.  When that wasn’t working he kept insisting I “relax” and tried to get the hitachi into me. It became him alternating between the toy and his fist. Even with lube, I asked him to stop several times. He would use his dominant voice and tell me to relax and open up.  

Eventually, it moved to anal play. He was just as aggressive, and not able to hear me asking to slow down or stop.  

The end resulted in me bleeding from both ends as I had several tears. 

Because of work and all around life issues, we weren’t able to talk right away. 2 days later, I texted him to say that I needed some serious aftercare.  He cancelled his plans for that night, came over, got naked and climbed into bed and held me.  I then told him a very abridged version of what happened.  “You were very “aggressive” “You pushed me far past where I expected to ever be”.  I even asked if in that kind of situation, should I have used our safety words of colors to get him to hear me, as stop and no didn’t work. 

He apologized several times.  And I accepted.  I know he would never intentionally hurt me.  I know I can’t possibly make him feel worse than he already does.  And the truth is I don’t want to.  

Tonight he made a comment about my wearing underwear to bed recently. He assumed it had to do with my periods.  Which is so completely wrong. I’m wearing underwear because there’s medication for the tearing on both sides.  I told him it had to do with our ‘rough’ night.  

We just had an argument where he tells me ITA, because I haven’t told him everything.  I told him that I didn’t want to.  All I can think, is that if I’m 100% candid, he’s going to feel like a rapist.  

I do NOT see his as such.  I just know I’m in physical pain, and don’t want to rehash as bad choice he made.  He got pissed off tonight, and has since fallen asleep because I’m upset over something that’s he’s already apologized for, and I’m shitty for not telling him everything. 

So AITA for not disclosing all the details from that night? And if so, how do I tell Joe what he did?

not telling my BF the extent he physically hurt me