Definition: In this task, you are given a Reddit post as a text. Your task is to generate a title for this text. The title should start with "TIFU by", followed by a situation that caused humor. The title should contain 7-12 words, ideally.
Input: Text: this act of idiocy happened around 7 years ago or so, but when one does something so epically stupid, it must be shared no matter how much time has passed.  plus i just found out about this sub.  
so please forgive the wall of text you are about to encounter, but some tales can’t be properly told in a succinct manner.


in my house we have a wood stove that we use(d) during the fall and winter, to help keep the energy $$$ down on our furnace.  plus is made that area of the house quite toasty cozy, perfect for a lazy weekend day of reading a book on the couch next to the stove as the rain falls incessantly outside.  now mind you, if you keep feeding the furnace wood, it would get insanely hot after a few hours use.  not an issue as no one with half a brain would touch it, but just pointing this out for context.  a few times i had it so hot the metal went from black to a very dark red/black, so it really put out the heat.  after using it the previous year however, i had discovered that using the wood stove would dry out the air, which in turn let to frequent nose bleeds for me.  not an issue i couldn’t conquer though, as i went online and bought a cast iron kettle, which i’d come to find later was [a real dick of a cast iron kettle.]( http://i.imgur.com/b6s1lfz.jpg)


the way it works is simple, put water in the cast iron kettle, place it on top of the wood stove, and it would steam, adding humidity to the air whenever i’d use my wood stove.  now just like the wood stove, this kettle would get stupid hot to the touch, but it had a coiled handle that dissipated the heat, so in normal* use someone could still pick up and move the kettle around, even when hot from use.


on the fateful day of my supreme act of idiocy, i lit some wood up in the stove, put the kettle on top of it, and relaxed on my couch with a book.  couldn’t tell you the book now, but probably one of the harry potters.  like any fat, lazy homeowner relaxing on a rainy weekend, i promptly fell sleep; as while tales of muggles and witchcraft and teen angst is enjoyable and all, it’s got nothing on a good afternoon nap when you are a fat, lazy guy.


i woke up some time later, a few hours i’d guess, and the wood stove was still pumping out a glorious amount of heat, but it needed some new logs tossed in.  however, due to my extended nap, the water in my kettle had long since evaporated.  so first things first, that needed a refill of water.  so i go to pick it up, and the coiled handle, designed to dissipate heat so it doesn’t get too hot, is hot as shit.  i quickly drop it, annoyed that is sneakily, and rudely, burned me a bit.  didn’t that stupid ass handle know it wasn’t supposed to get hot?!  as i clenched my mildly burnt hand and held it to my chest, my anger grew.  here i was enjoying a nice, lazy day nap, and this damn kettle was trying to ruin it.  for whatever reason, i took this slight burn as an affront, i made it personal.  i wanted to keep the wood stove going, and i needed that damn kettle full of water so i wouldn’t get a nose bleed, and eff if i was going to let that damn kettle get the best of me! (it absolutely would, fyi.)


while a sane, rational person would likely realize that if the coiled handle, designed to not get hot, was burning hot to the touch, one should probably just leave the kettle alone and let it cool down over time.  i however, like most overconfident men, like to think of myself as a bit of a mcgyver, and as such my [brain quickly started working out a solution to handling this impertinent kettle.](http://ak-hdl.buzzfed.com/static/2014-08/16/16/enhanced/webdr05/anigif_enhanced-24573-1408220021-13.gif)  noticing a pile of cardboard near the wood that i use to start the fires, i realized i could tear off a small chunk, fold it in half, and use it as a ghetto version of an oven mitt.  genius!  screw you kettle, you ain’t besting me.


confidently, i grab the cardboard, rip off a chunk, fold it in half, and without issue i pick up the kettle.  warm to the touch now, but tolerable.  time to fill it up, add some wood, and get back to my nap.  now let me again point out, i legitimately think i’m a smart guy, i was a bit of a cocky cock about my intelligence in my younger days, only to realize now, that i’m just like most other stupid guys.  but i bring this up because i realized that if one exposes water to hot metal, one gets steam.  countless times draining my spaghetti noodles over the sink only to drop the pot and curse at the steam burning my hands has taught me this.  to some, the fact that i would, time and time again, continue to burn myself when draining cooked pasta would be a bit of a hole in my perception of my exceptional intelligence, but my confidence in myself had no time to consider such things.  so, knowing that the kettle was quite hot, and water steams, and the area that you pour the water in is directly below the coiled handle, where my cardboard mitten hand was, i realized i didn’t want to deal with said steam.  [time to work out this issue…](http://ak-hdl.buzzfed.com/static/2014-08/16/16/enhanced/webdr05/anigif_enhanced-24573-1408220021-13.gif)


and bam!, the solution came to me.  surely if i overwhelmed it with water, not the weak stream from a sink’s faucet, but rather the mighty torrents of my downstairs shower, i’d be fine.  maybe a quick poof of steam, if that!  it was fool proof, and i truly had no worries, i knew in my heard of heart i had worked this issue out*, and in moments i’d be relaxing on the couch again.  *i am in fact an idiot.


so i carry the kettle over to the shower, unhook the shower hose, flick the kettle cover open (i had to flick it open as it was way too hot to open it in a normal fashion, i position the shower head over the opening in the kettle, and i confidently turn the shower on to full blast.  poof!


i’ve heard people say that in dangerous situations, your life flashes before your eyes.  that you do an analysis of your life, your hopes and fears and all that crap.  all in the blink of an eye.  my life didn’t flash before my eyes, but i can say that for the first and last time in my life, it slowed down considerably.  in an instant it was like i was in a russian steam room.  everywhere in the bathroom was steam.  how did all this steam get in here?  and how did it get it instantly?  what the eff is going on here?  oh shit, it’s this god damn kettle, this damn kettle is trying to eff up my day.  what a dick!  my eyes try to see through the steam, and slowly i see steam is billowing, billowing, from the kettle, directly onto my hard, bravely holding onto this complete asshole of a kettle.  what the hell, this doesn’t make any sense.  how is this possible?  i overwhelmed it with water!  i had it all figured out!!  at this point, my stupid brain begins to register that: (a) this isn’t really what i’d call a good situation, and (b), my hand is beginning to sting a bit.  actually it stings quite a bit.    at this point approximately 1.5 - 2 seconds or so have passed.


my instinct is to drop this stupid kettle, this complete dick of a kettle that i suddenly hate with an intense conviction that is absolutely trying to ruin my day.  just a real dick move, kettle.  but as my hand in melting, [my brain is still working out the situation.](http://ak-hdl.buzzfed.com/static/2014-08/16/16/enhanced/webdr05/anigif_enhanced-24573-1408220021-13.gif)  my shower is made of some [weird fiberglass/plastic crap]( http://i.imgur.com/rpriora.jpg), and this stupid ass kettle has got to be at least 10 lbs.  if i drop it from where i was holding it, about chest high, it would surely crack the shower floor, or at minimum burn/melt it.  and i know i have no idea how i’d fix it, or how much it would cost.  and my wife would be super pissed, and i’m way more scared of her than i am of this steam spewing asshole of a kettle.  so that is a no go.  my next thought it to try to quickly put it on the bathroom floor, but again it is linoleum or something, and while i could probably replace it if needed, i’d still have to explain this to my wife.  that would suck.  so finally my brain settles on the carpet, the carpet right outside the bathroom.  i’ll just lay the kettle on that.  by this time speed is beginning to pick up again, and my hand is really beginning to bitch out at this point.  so i make a move for the carpet, but first for reasons i still don’t understand, my body decides to juke back and forth a few times before finally moving towards the carpet, like i was a fat, while barry sanders trying to juke lawrence taylor or something.  finally i get dick kettle onto the carpet.  all together no more than 3 seconds have passed i’d guess.


i instantly wheel back into the bathroom, turn the sink faucet on to cold, and stick my hand under the stream of water.  instant relief, but i don’t look yet, at this point i realized i may have messed up and i may have to tell my wife, and that is terrifying.  god i hate that kettle.  i say a little prayer, and i peek out of one eye, hoping it maybe is that bad.  it’s hard to describe in words the sensation i felt when i looked at my hand, but it was shocking.  definitely going to have to tell the wife.  i could kill that kettle.  i’m holding my hand out away from me in the sink, fingers pointing down.  and oddly, my skin was white as a sheet of paper, and it was hanging about two inches lower than my fingernails.  just this gross, pale ooze of very white skin hanging well below each of my fingers.



oh i need to get ready for a meeting, i’ll finish this up later today.  **coming up in part two:  how will the wife respond?  what does the er staff say?  what came of my poor, innocent fingers?  and what happened to that asshole kettle once everything settled down?!**


and lastly, since i’m not a tease but i don’t have time right now to finish the story, here are a few pics of what my fingers looked like the day after the incident, and a pic of them around a week after the incident.  

[nsfw pics](http://imgur.com/a/b2pe9)

TIFU by melting my fingers and as a result confirmed I am indeed a complete idiot. (NSFW)