text: [Themes: Fantasy, pirate, mild profanity, humor, pseudo-old-school, violence, parody, retro, barbarian, satire, combat, fantasy]
  
  > look around
  This dismal GRAVEYARD sits on a hill cloaked in mist, overlooking the SLAVER KING'S seedy SEAPORT to the north. There are hundreds of gravestones, some cracked with centuries of age, some quite new. There is a single large TOMB that a brave soul might choose to ENTER.
  
  > Regard seaport
  You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Unless you travel to GOD CITY, perhaps, or BLACKHAWK ... or the CITY OF THUNDERS. Things are pretty bad there. And up in the BLEAK MOUNTAINS there are a lot of BEE GIRLS, come to think of it, and they live in ACTUAL HIVES of scum and/or villainy. Anyway, it looks like any other town you've seen.
  
  > enter TOMB
  This TOMB is tiny and cold, and hath long ago been stripped of treasures by disrespectful, thrice-damned, impious, tomb-robbing adventurers who got here faster than you. An entrance leads down into the CRYPT, but a ghostly guardian blocks the way.
  
  You can see a SPECTERAL SPIRIT here.
  
  The SPECTERAL SPIRIT attacks! You have suffered 13 hits of
  damage!
  
  > Attack spirit
  Taste barbarian rage, SPECTERAL SPIRIT! You scored 7 points of
  damage!
  
  Though the SPIRIT barely responds to the physical world, its icy hands bite like DAGGERS! You have suffered 11 hits of damage!
  
  > Regard spirit
  By the cut of its tattered and specteral raiment, this must be the shade of some great and regal SULTAN or STAGE MAGICIAN.
  
  The SPECTERAL SPIRIT wails and moans and locks its eyes to yours, silently begging to be released from its eternal torment!
  
  > Attack spirit
  Sa-ho! You give the SPECTERAL SPIRIT a sampling of your GLADIUS SWORD, but good! You scored 7 points of damage!
  
  With a wail of torment and regret, the SPECTERAL SPIRIT lashes out at you! You have suffered 10 hits of damage!
  
  > Attack spirit
  A skillful attack if you do say so yourself! You scored 5 points
  of damage!
  
  The SPECTERAL SPIRIT attacks in a tormented rage! You have
  suffered 3 hits of damage!
  
  > Attack spirit
  By Huron's devastating candor, a fine hit! You scored 8 points of damage!
  
  The SPECTERAL SPIRIT reaches into your chest and clutches your heart with an icy grip! You have suffered 10 hits of damage!
  
  > Go east
  Cracked remnants of walls and a stretch of weed-grown cobblestones tell of an old temple or abbey ... perhaps even a village. Whatever it was, it now lies in ROCKY RUIN. Poking through the remnants, you notice a shadowy archway leading IN to one small structure that remains intact.
  
  Simply walking IN, however, isn't currently an option, as a vast RUIN SLUG - the largest you've ever seen - is basking its slimy bulk in the evening sun, right near the entrance. The SLUG makes no move toward you, but you'd have to ASSAIL it (and survive) to find out what lay beyond the arch.
  
  You can also see a TELEPHONE POLE here.
  
  > regard POLE
  The TELEPHONE POLE seems quite sturdy, and its runes name it "BELL SYSTEMS OF DETROIT." A potent blessing of magic, no doubt.
  
  > seize POLE
  You lack the strength of arm to heft such a mighty thing!
  
  > climb POLE
  The dullest Klengon can do better than that. Refer to your game manual for assistance.
  
  > Assail SLUG
  It's an acid-spewing slug the size of a smallish elephant. Very rubbery, it takes a lot of punishment to defeat one. The RUIN SLUG is staring at you.
  
  Your attack is too hasty, and it fails!
  
  The RUIN SLUG attacks! You have suffered 16 hits of damage!
  
  > Go north
  Forest surrounds this hill on all sides, but there are no trees at the top - only grass and a few sad flowers, bending toward the setting sun. You see farmland to the north, and the CASTLE of the SLAVER KING looming high above. To the west is the harbor TOWN, but there's no good path from here.
  
  > Go north
  A humble WELL provides a centerpiece for this quiet place, surrounded by farmland providing food for the port town to the west. To the north, the shadow of the SLAVER KING'S CASTLE blots out part of the evening sky, but there's no path there from here.
  
  You can see an EAR OF CORN here.
  
  > get the CORN
  Seized.
  
  > regard the CORN
  It reminds you of an EAR OF CORN from your childhood.
  
  > use well
  I've seen this tragedy before. The alluring proximity of a WELL can drive many a hero to gibbering madness.
  
  > regard well
  It reminds you of the old tavern tale about the clever farmer, the WELL, and the murder of the FIRST HOBLING EMPEROR.
  
  > Parley with well
  Thou hast barkest up the wrong tree, barbarian.
  
  > Down
  No good path leads that way, and thou art not of the Pioneer class!
  
  You feel the wind change direction.
  
  > Go east
  A gentle breeze ripples the sparse grasses here, under a blood-red sun. There are many paths. You see mountains to the distant east. You feel a manly twitching in your thews, enlivened by the freedom of the open country.
  
  > go to the east
  You stand in a dismal swamp, with the chitter of unpleasant life in every direction. Footing is torturous here, slowed by the grey murk sucking at your sandaled tread.
  
  There is a large, MOSSY STONE IDOL here. Even half-sunken in the mire, it stands a head taller than you, with crude, angry features.
  
  > go to the east
  The great snow-capped PEAKS now loom above you, dramatic and craggy through the treetops. You can see a WINDING TRAIL leading south that would take you higher into the mountains.
  
  There is a sudden whiff of brimstone, and an INFERNAL APE swings down from the treetops, screeching for your blood!
  
  The INFERNAL APE leaps straight for your throat, and his fangs rip deep into your neck and shoulder. You have suffered 5 hits of
  damage!
  
  > Assail ape
  Taste barbarian rage, INFERNAL APE! You scored 6 points of
  damage!
  
  The INFERNAL APE attacks you savagely, but misses!
  
  > Assail ape
  You attack with all your might! You scored 8 points of
  damage!
  
  With a snarl, the INFERNAL APE is airborne, slashing deeply into your side with his fangs. You have suffered 6 hits of damage!
  
  > Assail ape
  By Huron's devastating candor! Thine aim hath failed thee!
  
  The INFERNAL APE attacks in a scorching blur of HELL-FIRE, burning your flesh with an infernal howl of triumph! You have suffered 3
  hits of damage!
  
  > Assail ape
  You attack! You scored 7 points of damage!
  
  The INFERNAL APE attacks you savagely, but misses!
  
  > Assail ape
  By Huron's bristliest back hairs! A mighty blow! You scored 5
  points of damage!
  
  The INFERNAL APE strikes, leaping high and ripping into your chest with a savage snarl. You have suffered 9 hits of damage!
  
  > go west
  You stand in a dismal swamp, with the chitter of unpleasant life in every direction. Footing is torturous here, slowed by the grey murk sucking at your sandaled tread.
  
  There is a large, MOSSY STONE IDOL here. Even half-sunken in the mire, it stands a head taller than you, with crude, angry features.
  
  > Assail LIZARD
  A skillful attack if you do say so yourself! You scored 4 points
  of damage!
  
  The LIZARD MAIDEN attacks! You have suffered 9 hits of
  damage!
  
  > Assail LIZARD
  Your foe is astonished by your speed as you strike hard! You
  scored 7 points of damage!
  
  With a howl of rage, the LIZARD MAIDEN strikes! You have suffered
  10 hits of damage!
  
  > Assail LIZARD
  By Huron's sacred codpiece, your GLADIUS SWORD lands home! You
  scored 7 points of damage!
  
  The strange GREEN SWORD of the LIZARD MAIDEN cuts as fine as any steel you've known! You have suffered 4 hits of damage!
  
  > Assail LIZARD
  A miss! BAH!
  
  The LIZARD MAIDEN dances in a defensive stance, watching your movements, hissing, and looking for an opening.
  
  > Assail LIZARD
  By Huron's sable-coated cysts, you strike hard and true! You
  scored 7 points of damage!
  
  Cursing your weakness, the LIZARD MAIDEN swings low with her
  blade! You have suffered 10 hits of damage!
  
  > Assail LIZARD
  By Huron's pampered panda-bears, a blow to be remembered! You
  scored 7 points of damage, leaving the LIZARD MAIDEN at your
  mercy!
  
  The LIZARD MAIDEN is defeated!
  
  You kick the body of the LIZARD MAIDEN into the stream below the bridge, and watch it wash into the narrow CULVERT leading into the base of the CASTLE. On the ground, her green-metal SWORD awaits ...
  
  This ancient bridge crosses a stream running down from the uplands to the east, and disappearing into a small CULVERT at the base of a cliff. This cliff, and the SLAVER KING'S CASTLE atop it, casts an icy shadow over the bridge. There is no path to the CASTLE from here, but the ROYAL ROAD lies to the north.
  
  You can see a TWO-HANDED SWORD here.
  
  > get SWORD
  (the TWO-HANDED SWORD)
  Seized.
  
  > use SWORD
  (the GLADIUS SWORD)
  You unhand the GLADIUS SWORD and carry it as ordinary gear. Your bare FIST is ready for battle!
  
  > use two-handed sword
  You heft the TWO-HANDED SWORD in your mighty hand, prepared for battle!
  
  > regard two-handed sword
  It's fashioned from a strange green metal. Some sort of LIZARD MAN iron, perhaps.
  
  > go to the east
  The pine trees have the first dustings of winter, here, and you espy much more snow to the east, in the FROSTED UPLANDS. The runoff feeds a briskly-flowing stream, which flows west toward the CASTLE. Marshier country lay to the south.
  
  A bit upstream from you, a GRIZZLY BEAR is fishing for food, but not having much luck. The BEAR doesn't seem hostile.
  
  * BAROOOOOO!!! *
  
  You hear the peal of a great horn in the distance, from the highest turrets of the SLAVER KING'S CASTLE. You knew this moment would come ... the SLAVER KING has heard of your movements, and he has no doubt released his precious pets, a trio of deadly PYREXIS HOUNDS, to hunt you down and deliver your charred carcass.
  
  > go north
  Before you can approach the icy bridge, there is a great explosion of snow all around you, a shifting and coiling of fur and ire! A GIANT SNOW-SERPENT rises, hissing, into the frosty sunlight, its fangs dripping with ICE VENOM.
  
  The GIANT SNOW-SERPENT coils and strikes, but your barbarian reflexes save you from harm!
  
  > go to the north
  Before you can approach the icy bridge, there is a great explosion of snow all around you, a shifting and coiling of fur and ire! A GIANT SNOW-SERPENT rises, hissing, into the frosty sunlight, its fangs dripping with ICE VENOM.
  
  The GIANT SNOW-SERPENT coils tight, and then leaps at you with all its great bulk, carrying you both further down the frosty slope as its fangs dig in! You have suffered 13 hits of damage!
  
  > attack SERPENT
  Sa-ho! You give the GIANT SNOW-SERPENT a sampling of your TWO-HANDED SWORD, but good! You scored 12 points of damage!
  
  The GIANT SNOW-SERPENT coils and strikes, but your barbarian reflexes save you from harm!
  
  > attack SERPENT
  You were too slow that time. A miss!
  
  The GIANT SNOW-SERPENT coils and strikes, but your barbarian reflexes save you from harm!
  
  > attack SERPENT
  You hit hard, snarling with rage! You scored 6 points of
  damage!
  
  The GIANT SNOW-SERPENT coils and strikes, but your barbarian reflexes save you from harm!
  
  > attack SERPENT
  You leap, and strike! You scored 7 points of damage!
  
  With a savage hiss and almost hypnotic motion, the GIANT SNOW-SERPENT strikes! You have suffered 19 hits of damage!
  
  > attack SERPENT
  Sa-ho! A mighty attack! You scored 12 points of damage, leaving
  the GIANT SNOW-SERPENT at your mercy!
  
  The GIANT SNOW-SERPENT is defeated!
  
  You take a moment to carve into its warm, furry scales to find the bloody flesh beneath. Searching for exactly the right muscle, you rip free a valuable treasure ...
  
  Layers of frost and snow glitter on crags of ancient rock, and there are deep snowbanks to the north, approaching a BRIDGE made of pure ice, spanning a MIGHTY CREVASSE. Also seemingly made of ice is a beautiful CRYSTAL SPIRE, towering in the fading light, which you may ENTER.
  
  You can see a SLAB OF SNOW-SERPENT MEAT here.
  
  > examine slab
  The SLAB OF SNOW-SERPENT MEAT shines in its raw ichor. Your tribe has long known that the flesh of this beast, once properly ripened and then consumed rapidly, has magic healing properties that allow Warriors to defeat foes much more powerful than they. Useful, for a Warrior-born such as you! This slab's ichor is not yet iridescent.
  
  > go north
  The snow on this mountain slope is all but undisturbed, and it glows a rich orange in the light of the setting sun. You can see that sun, far to the west, sinking into the sea. Its rays touch also on an ornate structure: You may (if you dare) ENTER a black TEMPLE to the Viraxian Demon-Gods.
  
  ... the sight of the SEA OF GREAT PERIL gets you thinking about that STINKY BAIT you won from the MIRE IMP. Knowest thou that yonder SEA is filled with beasts of many kinds, some of whom might fancy even such foul BAIT as this.
  
  > go inside
  Your nostrils flare at the lingering smoke from incense, and at the strong scent of holy oils. The TEMPLE is ancient, cold and dark, with but dim shafts of smoky light from high windows. In the center of the room is an ALTAR, on which a SACRIFICE is being prepared.
  
  You can see the VIRAXIAN INCENSE, the ACOLYTE OF TRAGA and GINA THE VIRGIN SACRIFICE here.
  
  The ACOLYTE OF TRAGA looks up from his work as you enter amid a swirl of snow. "Welcome, barbarian," he says. "Please, take your ease here if you need shelter from the cold. The hospitality of our DARK DEMON LORD FROM BENEATH THE STYGIAN ABYSSAL PITS is no mere rumor. When you have a time, come and PARLEY with me."
  
  The VIRGIN SACRIFICE also looks up with a welcoming smile, but as she is bound oiled and naked to the altar she does not rise to greet you formally.
  
  > regard INCENSE
  The INCENSE is currently unlit.
  
  > Regard SACRIFICE
  GINA is bound naked to the cold stone ALTAR, her heaving breasts glistening with ANOINTING OIL.
  
  > use the cloth with SACRIFICE
  In a moment when the ACOLYTE is looking elsewhere, you wipe the soft ABSORBENT SPACE-RAG across GINA's naked, heaving bosoms, lingering no longer than you dare. GINA grins at the secret moment you have shared, and now you have a DELICATELY-OILED CLOTH.
  
  > Parley with ACOLYTE
  The ACOLYTE nods in greeting. "It is comforting to have a Warrior visit us here. We worry constantly of invasion by the BEE GIRLS and THREE-HEADED GIANTS of the high mountains, and perhaps a man like you can aid me ..." He holds up a beautiful gem. "Bring me a worthy WEAPON I can use to defend the TEMPLE, and I will give you this valuable FIERY JEWEL." The treasure he offers is indeed beautiful: a darkly-shining stone with living sparks inside.
  
  > Parley with GINA
  GINA notices the look of concern in your eyes. "Worry not, barbarian, for I am here by choice. My life-force will be an UNHOLY GIFT to the VIRAXIAN DEMON-GODS, and spare my people a poor harvest." She continues with more along those lines, but you find yourself distracted by her naked body, gleaming with ANOINTING OIL. You do your best to keep your eyes level and pay attention.
  
  Your nostrils flare, picking up a familiar rotting scent ... what could that be?