text: [Themes: love & dating, humor]
  
  [Author's Note: Play the quick dating game and see if you can get the girl! I hope you have as much fun reading this as I did writing it. It was a lot of fun. This is my official entry for the contest, "Brevity, the Soul of Wit" for August, 2015. Please note: If you are easily offended by stereotypes, especially as they relate to men, women, and dating, please don't read, rate, or comment on this game. It is meant to be silly.]
  
  > The Quick Dating Game
  Bob: Hello and welcome to the New, Quick Dating Game! I'm Bob, and I'll be your host.
  
  This is just like the old dating game, only it is new! Yay, new!
  
  For those audience members new to the game, I'll describe how it works. Over here we have our lovely single lady, ready to go on a date with one of our eligible bachelors. On the other side of this wall here, where she cannot see them, are our three bachelors who hope they will win her heart or at least an all-expenses paid date with our single lady. Speaking of that date, Don, tell us where our winners will be going!
  
  Don: Well Bob, our winners will get an all-expenses paid dinner date to the Waffle House on the Frontage Road! Yes, they will get picked up at their homes by Larry's Discount Limousines and he will take them to the side door at the Waffle House (contestants must arrange for their own rides home). Once there, they will enjoy any items and entrees they select from the special, limited time Waffle House "Deal Menu." They'll be served by one of the career Waffle House waitresses and won't even have to pay the tip. Back to you Bob!
  
  Bob: Thank you, Don.
  
  Now our special single lady is going to get to ask four questions of our bachelors here. That's all, just four. Not five. Not three (except she will ask three before she gets to four, of course). Eight is right out. Anyway. She will ask those questions, listen to the answers, then she will select one of these wonderful sholobs, err... contestants to join her on that date.
  
  Next, let's meet our bachelor contestants.
  
  Bachelor number one is Max Power. Max, tell us about yourself.
  
  Bachelor Number One: Well Bob, I'm a very successful life coach and motivational speaker. I help people find their strengths in life and I let them know how to focus on that strength to unlock their own power. And I live in a VAN down by the RIVER!
  
  Bob: Thanks very much Max. On to bachelor number two. This is Sherm Gazorn. Sherm?
  
  Bachelor Number Two: Thank you Bob. I am Sherm. Sherm Gazorn. I am the night manager of a 24-hour convenience store down on 17th street. I am also taking some classes at the community college where I'm working towards..."
  
  Bob: Thanks, that's enough Sherm, we only have so much time here. Now finally we're on to bachelor number three. Bachelor number three, introduce yourself!
  
  > sit there and stare blankly into the camera.
  Bob: All right, thank you bachelors. Now on to what the audience is here for, let's introduce our lovely single lady contestant.
  
  Over here we have Rita. Rita, welcome to the show.
  
  Rita: Thank you, Bob.
  
  Bob: Rita, you've got some great cans there.
  
  Rita: Thank you Bob. These are two soda cans that I brought from backstage to help remind everyone that we need to recycle. If we don't recycle something simple like our aluminum cans, the entire planet is going to turn into a pile of garbage. And no one likes garbage.
  
  Bob: Some people like garbage, Rita. Garbage men, for example. But enough about garbage, can you show me your puppies there?
  
  Rita: Yes, Bob, these are two puppies that I got from the animal shelter on the way to the studio today. They are available for adoption if anyone in the audience is interested.
  
  Bob: Rita, we don't really have time for all this, let's get onto the game, shall we? After all, there's an all-expenses paid dinner date on the line here. Well, it's not really "on the line" for you, is it? You win no matter what. Rita, what's your first question for these bachelors?
  
  Rita: Bob, the first question was easy. Okay, bachelors, tell me about your most embarrassing date. Tee-hee.
  
  Bob: Nice laugh, Rita. Okay, Bachelor number one, let's hear it.
  
  Bachelor Number One: Oh, I don't know Bob...
  
  Bob: Hey brainiac, talk to Rita, not me. I don't swing that way.
  
  Bachelor Number One: Oh, right. Well, Rita, there was this one time when I came out of a bathroom and I forgot to tie my shoes. I know, I know, silly, right? But I went right back onto the dance floor and this guy I know, Jim, stepped on my shoelaces, right? So yeah, I went to the side, and I tried to play it off as my new "smash my face into the boobs of some chick I don't know" dance move, but I don't think anyone was buying it. Long story short, at least I didn't break my nose or anything.
  
  Bob: Absolutely fascinating, Bachelor number one. Why did we make him number one? Ah, number one on what list? Oh, right. Anyway, Bachelor number two, same question for you.
  
  Bachelor Number Two: Thanks Bob. Heh. Oh boy, heh. I'm turning red over here. I know Rita can't see me, but you can Bob, right?
  
  Bob: Not that I want to...
  
  Bachelor Number Two: But this one time, heh, at band camp, heh. No, really. Heh. Oh my, I can't even say it is so, heh. I don't know. Heh.
  
  Bob: Well, I guess that's all we have time for answers from Bachelor number two. Bachelor number three, you're up. Tell Rita about your most embarrassing date.
  
  > tell her about the time you forgot your wallet and your date had to pay for dinner.
  Bob: Great. Thanks for that wonderful answer bachelor number three. I have to tell you, I can see Rita's face from here, and she looks really impressed with that answer. At least I think that's what that blank stare means. Rita? Are you still with us?
  
  Rita: I'm right here Bob.
  
  Bob: You certainly are. Rita, is there anything special you want to tell us about yourself today? Something to share with the studio audience?
  
  Rita: Well, I'm not sure.
  
  Bob: Come now, Rita, tell us about your job. What do you do for a living?
  
  Rita: Oh, well until recently I worked the late shift at Twin Peaks.
  
  Bob: Twin Peaks?
  
  Rita: You know, the old book store at the top of the two mountains east of the city. I took care of the customers: I rang up their sales and put the books they bought into bags so they could take them home. It was pretty exciting.
  
  Bob: Rita, that sounds like non-stop action and fun. Speaking of non-stop action and fun, do you think we could get back to the game? It's time for you to ask another question of our bored bachelors. What do you have for question number two?
  
  Rita: Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Question two. Now I've been on a few different dates in my life and I've been to a few different kinds of places.
  
  Bob: I bet you have.
  
  Rita: So bachelors, if we hit it off on our first date and I want you to take me on a second date, tell me about how that date would go or where you would take me.
  
  Bob: Bachelor number one, what would it be?
  
  Bachelor Number One: Oh Rita, if you pick me, well, let's say that the second date would probably involve breakfast, if you know what I mean.
  
  Rita: I don't.
  
  Bob: She doesn't.
  
  Bachelor Number One: What I mean is that our first date would be so good, it would last all night.
  
  Rita: Do you think he means that our second date would be after the first one?
  
  Bob: ...
  
  Bachelor Number One: Baby, our first date would end up...
  
  Bob: You might want to give up on that line there, Bachelor Number One.
  
  Bachelor Number One: Right. So second date? We would go somewhere nice.
  
  Rita: Oh, hehehe.
  
  Bob: Great job, Bachelor Number One. You really know how to sweep them off their feet, don't you? On to Bachelor Number Two.
  
  Bachelor Number Two: Heh. I think, maybe, to celebrate the anniversary of our first date, heh, I think we would go somewhere special. Like maybe we could go to the same place as our first date and see if the waitress would let us sit in the same seats. Then we could even order the same food and maybe even see if the bill came out to exactly the same amount. Except this time I would bring a first date anniversary present for you to open after dinner.
  
  Bob: Wow. That's a real prize for someone waiting over there, isn't it? Bachelor Number Three, let's hear your heart-stopping plans for your second date with Rita.
  
  > say that you would take her skydiving and land on an exotic island where they would serve fresh seafood.
  Bob: Rita, I just don't know how you're going to choose from all these excellent choices of man-meat.
  
  Rita: Teehee, I don't know either.
  
  Bob: Well, while you are considering your options and trying to remember what you wrote down for question number three, we're going to take a quick commercial break.
  
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  Bob: Welcome back to the show, nothing really happened while you were gone, that's how these shows work. But we're all waiting anxiously to find out what question Rita will ask the bachelors next.
  
  Rita: I can't wait!
  
  Bob: Rita, that was your cue.
  
  Rita: For what?
  
  Bob: Rita, it's time! Go ahead and ask your next question of these drooling men who are already anticipating the Waffle House.
  
  Rita: Oh, right. When I was little, I always pretended to be a mommy. I always wanted to be a mommy with a bunch of kids.
  
  Bob: I bet you did.
  
  Rita: So tell me, bachelors, when you were kids, what did you want to be when you grew up?
  
  Bob: Bachelor Number Two?
  
  Bachelor Number One: Hey Rita, I could be your...
  
  Bob: Hey moron, did you change numbers during the commercial break? I don't think so. Shut up and wait your turn.
  
  Bachelor Number Two: ...
  
  Bob: Yes, Bachelor Number Two, you're up.
  
  Bachelor Number Two: Oh, right. What was the question again? Something about mommies?
  
  Bob: Yes, that's right, Rita wants to know about your mom.
  
  Bachelor Number Two: My mom is super-nice. She's a great cook...
  
  Rita: I didn't ask about...
  
  Bob: Just let him go.
  
  Bachelor Number Two: And she calls me up from the basement for dinner almost every day. Some days she goes out and forgets I'm there I think, but then I order pizza. I do it online, did you know you can do that these days? The pizza man doesn't like coming into the basement, but sometimes I make him come down when I forget my wallet...
  
  Bob: Any other questions there, Rita? I didn't think so. Let's go back to moron number one, err, I mean Bachelor Number One.
  
  Bachelor Number One: Bob, I don't appreciate...
  
  Bob: You can answer the question or not, your choice.
  
  Bachelor Number One: Oh, right. Rita, even when I was little, people told me that I should be president because not only could anyone grow up to be president, they told me I was a good leader. People followed me around, if you know what I mean.
  
  Bob: Yeah, whatever. On to Bachelor Number Three. What did you want to be when you grew up?
  
  > tell her that you're not ready to grow up yet.
  Bob: Whew, it's almost over. Rita just gets to ask one more question of the bachelors, then she has to pick one. Good luck with that, Rita.
  
  Rita: Thank you, Bob.
  
  Bob: We also want to take this moment to thank RonCo, our sponsor for tonight's show. And knowing the reputation of RonCo, you can tell where this show is going and exactly what it's worth. My paycheck better not bounce.
  
  But back to the show. Rita, have you considered your last question?
  
  Rita: I have Bob.
  
  Bob: I hope you have put some thought into this one, because this is your last question and you're going to have to pick one of the bachelors after their answers.
  
  And no, I'm sorry, you cannot pick me. And you can't pick anyone other than one of the three bachelors. Well, I suppose you can, but if you want the studio to actually pay for your Waffle House dinner, you've got to go with one of these three. I'm not saying you have to talk to them while you're there, but you do have to eat at the same table. Or booth.
  
  Rita, are you ready with your last question?
  
  Rita: Yes I am Bob.
  
  Bob: Any day now.
  
  Rita: What?
  
  Bob: Your question.
  
  Rita: Is supposed to be a day?
  
  Bob: Rita, let's get busy!
  
  Rita: Here, on the stage?
  
  Bob: What is your final question for the bachelors?
  
  Rita: Oh, that. Now bachelors, I know we have already talked about previous dates. Now I want to hear about your last girlfriend. Why are you all single?
  
  Bob: They're all such catches, I'm not sure anyone knows. But hey, Bachelor Number Two, go ahead and tell Rita about your last girlfriend. And no, your mom doesn't count.
  
  Bachelor Number Two: Oh, that's pretty funny, Bob. I guess you've had people here on your show like that who are all like, "Oh, my mom this" and "my mom that." I'm glad I've got a better mom than that.
  
  My last girlfriend was French. Oh yeah. She knew how to do stuff like French people do. Actually I met her on the Internet. Well, actually she lives in France and hasn't ever been here, so I haven't actually seen her in person. I mean she was still my girlfriend and all, just ask her. Well, you can't really ask her since she changed her e-mail address. But she was hot. She told me she was.
  
  Bob: Well there you have it, Rita, a real winner there. Bachelor Number One, do you want to see if you can top that?
  
  Bachelor Number One: Sure thing, Bob. Hey Rita, my last girlfriend was nice. Oh she wasn't as nice as you are, I can just tell. But we went on a few dates and we both knew that we just weren't meant for each other. I'm looking for a soul mate, someone who just gets me. Do you "get me" Rita? 'Cause I'd sure like to "Get you," if you know what I mean.
  
  Bob: Wow. Rita, I just don't know how you're going to make a choice from all these babe magnets. But wait, there's still one more to go. Bachelor Number Three?
  
  > Never had a girlfriend, you're hoping you will be your first.
  Bob: Well, there you have it. Rita, you've got a tough choice coming up here.
  
  Rita: Bob, I think I'd like...
  
  Bob: Rita, it's not your turn to talk. We've got to keep the home audience waiting just a few moments more. You think about your decision while the network shows this great commercial from one of our great sponsors. I'm going backstage to get a drink.
  
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  Bob: So there you have it. Now, as Rita continues to think about which bachelor she will choose -- you are still thinking, right Rita?
  
  Rita: I am Bob.
  
  Bob: I thought I smelled something burning. Great, well while she continues thinking, let's not forget our parting gifts. Those bachelors not lucky enough to be selected by the lovely Rita won't go home alone. While they might still be looking for a date, they'll take home a parting gift from one of our sponsors. Don, tell us about the parting gifts.
  
  Don: I'd love to, Bob.
  
  Bob: Don't care, Don. Get to talking so I can get back to drinking.
  
  Don: Some of our guests (I don't really know which ones) will get a box of Rice-A-Roni. Yes, they are the San-Fran Cisco treats. You get one box, and hey at least that beats a sharp stick in the eye -- which I've heard some of our competition gives out to their losers, err, guests who didn't win. Others of our guests will get a free travel box of scented Kleenex. The perfect gift for those who have just been rejected and have a long ride home, alone. Back to you Bob.
  
  Bob: Finally, okay Rita, have you made your choice?
  
  Rita: No Bob, I've been waiting like you told me backstage.
  
  Bob: No I mean, ah nevermind. Rita, tell us who you have selected. Will it be Bachelor Number One, Bachelor Number Two, or Bachelor Number Three?
  
  Rita: Bob, I pick...
  
  > Continue...
  Rita: I pick bachelor number one. He seems kinda dreamy.
  
  Bob: Great, Rita, but what's this? It looks like Bachelor Number One just had a heart attack. Can I have his parting gift? So sorry, Rita, you're going to have to select again while the EMTs tend to Bachelor Number One.
  
  Rita: Oh, well that's a little disappointing. I still get to go to Waffle House, right?
  
  Bob: As long as you pick one of the remaining bachelors, you do.
  
  Rita: Good. Then I pick Bachelor Number Two. He seems kind of cute and not anywhere as creepy as Bachelor Number Three. Is Number Three a serial killer or anything? Not that I have anything against serial killers, of course, I love everyone, but I was just wondering.
  
  Bob: Rita, we don't ask our contestants that question. Maybe we should, but we don't.
  
  Bachelor Number Two (to the unconscious Bachelor Number One): In your face, pretty boy! Who's your daddy now?
  
  Bob: Hey winner, you want to come over here and meet Rita already? I've got another show to host in five minutes.
  
  Bachelor Number Two: Oh yeah, right. Hey Rita. You're hot.
  
  Rita (to Bob): How long do I have to stay with him at Waffle House to get you guys to pay for it?
  
  Bob: Have fun you two, I'm off. Bachelor Number Three, why are you still here? You need to find a life. Or a hobby. Something not disgusting. Go on, we're turning the lights out here.