text: [Themes: Humor, Americana, female protagonist, aliens, science fiction]
  
  > describe your surroundings
  All paths lead here, to the paved center of the town square. A large bronze statue of Canyonville's founder, Charles Fobb, towers over you. The festival surrounds you on all sides--east to the midway, west to the exit, south to the Tomorrow Pavilion, and north to the annual Judging of the Pies.
  
  You can see Deputy Wilcox here.
  
  > examine Fobb
  A large bronze statue of the town's founder. He's got some swell muttonchops!
  
  > go east
  Rows of games line the midway here, creating a noisy, colorful passage between the town square center to the west and a gloomy-looking haunted house ride to the south. The most prominent booth is a shooting gallery containing several rows of ducks and a BB gun.
  
  A carny slouches against the booth.
  
  > examine carny
  Gosh, he sure looks like an awful shady customer!
  
  > talk to the carny
  [Picture number 7 here.]
  
  The carny looks you over. "Well, who's this raven-haired beauty? Looks a little like me at that age. Better hope that don't work the other way around, huh? Look, I'm kiddin', kid, relax, that's a joke. But seriously, you gonna give my games a shot or ain't ya?
  
  1) "Who are you?"
  
  > 1
  ["Who are you?"]
  
  "I'm Barney. Barney the Carny. Who are you, Quizzy the Question Girl? C'mon, I got prizes here. Broads dig prizes."
  
  1) "What's your game, Barney?"
  
  > 1
  ["What's your game, Barney?"]
  
  "I gotta shooting gallery, mostly. You shoot BBs at ducks usin' that gun. If you win, you pick up this beauty!" He holds up a trophy. It's made of some kind of strange metal that radiates a sickly yellow-green glow.
  
  1) "That glow! That metal--that can help me prove what's going on! Please! I really, really need that!"
  
  > 1
  ["That glow! That metal--that can help me prove what's going on! Please! I really, really need that!"]
  
  "Well", the carny laughs, "then you'd better hope you're good at shootin' ducks."
  
  1) "How does your shooting gallery work?"
  2) "I'm done talking!"
  
  > 2
  ["I'm done talking!"]
  
  "Yeah, yeah. See ya in the funny pages, toots."
  
  Rows of games line the midway here, creating a noisy, colorful passage between the town square center to the west and a gloomy-looking haunted house ride to the south. The most prominent booth is a shooting gallery containing several rows of ducks and a BB gun.
  
  A carny slouches against the booth.
  
  > take the bb gun
  As you pick up the gun, a cheery tune begins playing, and the booth is awash in light. With a grinding kachunk the ducks begin moving.
  
  1) Get ready...
  
  > 1
  [Get ready...]
  
  A tin duck zips across the gallery!
  
  1) Shoot it with the BB gun.
  2) Shoot it with the cosmic ray gun.
  
  > 1
  [Shoot it with the BB gun.]
  
  You fire the gun at the ducks. Pow! Plink! Pop! You miss them all as the shots veer widely off course from anywhere you aimed. Why, you're lucky you didn't put somebody's eye out! The carny laughs at you. "Hey, better luck next time, kid".
  
  Rows of games line the midway here, creating a noisy, colorful passage between the town square center to the west and a gloomy-looking haunted house ride to the south. The most prominent booth is a shooting gallery containing several rows of ducks and a BB gun.
  
  A carny slouches against the booth.
  
  > 2
  [Shoot it with the cosmic ray gun.]
  
  The ray shoots straight and true, melting the ducks into little piles of molten slag. The carny grumbles a bit, but a deal's a deal. He presses the trophy into your hot little hands.
  
  Rows of games line the midway here, creating a noisy, colorful passage between the town square center to the west and a gloomy-looking haunted house ride to the south. The most prominent booth is a shooting gallery containing several rows of ducks and a BB gun.
  
  A carny slouches against the booth.
  
  > examine trophy
  It's warm and softly glowing in an unearthly sort of way. Other than that, it looks like an ordinary trophy which appears to actually be for bowling.
  
  > Go west
  All paths lead here, to the paved center of the town square. A large bronze statue of Canyonville's founder, Charles Fobb, towers over you. The festival surrounds you on all sides--east to the midway, west to the exit, south to the Tomorrow Pavilion, and north to the annual Judging of the Pies.
  
  You can see Deputy Wilcox here.
  
  > talk to Deputy
  [Picture number 8 here.]
  
  "Back again, huh? How're you're enjoyin' the fair, Miss Noodleman?"
  
  1) "Look at this trophy. This is no normal metal!"
  2) "That's all I've got right now."
  
  > 1
  ["Look at this trophy. This is no normal metal!"]
  
  "Why, you're right! It's like nothing I've ever seen before--almost as if it came from--from another world!"
  
  1) "That's all I've got right now."
  
  > 1
  ["That's all I've got right now."]
  
  He tips his hat. "Later, Miss."
  
  All paths lead here, to the paved center of the town square. A large bronze statue of Canyonville's founder, Charles Fobb, towers over you. The festival surrounds you on all sides--east to the midway, west to the exit, south to the Tomorrow Pavilion, and north to the annual Judging of the Pies.
  
  You can see Deputy Wilcox here.
  
  > go east
  Rows of games line the midway here, creating a noisy, colorful passage between the town square center to the west and a gloomy-looking haunted house ride to the south. The most prominent booth is a shooting gallery containing several rows of ducks and a BB gun.
  
  A carny slouches against the booth.
  
  > Go south
  You're standing on the porch of a creepy haunted house. From inside, you can hear tinny recordings of booming laughter and creaking hinges. A small car rests on a track. A noisy midway lies to the north, and a glittering, futuristic pavilion to the west.
  
  An elegantly lettered sign has been nailed to the front door.
  
  You can also see a glass case (closed) (in which is a tombstone) and a small car here.
  
  > look at the sign
  This crisply painted black and white sign bears the following text:
  
  "NOTICE:
  
  Due to the high levels of bone-chilling fear generated by this terrifying ride, management is pleased to offer this complimentary tombstone to any fairgoer who dies of fright while within the haunted house."
  
  > examine the tombstone
  It's made out of some kind of yellow-green crystalline substance that's glowing faintly. You've never seen a gem that looks quite like it. The rough, primal surface has been marred with a crude carving reading "Your Name Here? MWA HA HA"
  
  > shoot the glass
  The ray passes right through it. Darn glass!
  
  > get in the car
  You hop into the car, which rolls forward into the haunted house. A metal cuff snaps shut around your wrist. What an experience! The laziness and lack of attention to detail on the part of the staff is truly TERRIFYING! The implications of this shoddy workmanship, when you consider the importance of the American work ethic to beating the Russians, are enough to fill you with BONE-CHILLING FRIGHT! However, you don't actually die. As the car creaks its way past the last cardboard tombstone and into the light, the cuff on your wrist squeezes and a hidden heart monitor beeps. "Ah, a heartbeat! You've managed to survive!" a recorded voice chortles tinnily, "...THIS TIME!"
  
  The car reaches the end of the track and stops with a jolt before letting you back out onto the porch.
  
  > Inventory
  You are carrying:
  a glowing trophy
  a gruesome glowing pie
  a physical results chart
  a cosmic ray gun
  a blue box (open)
  a whole bunch of blue pills
  a green canister (open)
  a whole bunch of green pills
  a Depth Charge Deluxe
  a game pamphlet
  a Canyonville High yearbook
  a collapsible hula hoop
  a skirt-and-sweater combo (being worn)
  
  > Go west
  A spacious plaza glittering with the promise of tomorrow. The center of the town square is to the north, and a spooky-looking haunted house lies to the east. The Car of Tomorrow gleams enticingly from on top of a raised dais. There is also a small kiosk distributing the Ice Cream of Tomorrow.
  
  The Wife of Tomorrow is standing here, looking pretty and waiting for someone to talk to her.
  
  > examine Wife
  Her face is molded into a friendly simper, and below that she's made of shiny, snow-white plastic with a one-inch waist. This must be what wives are going to look like tomorrow.
  
  > talk to Wife
  [Picture number 9 here.]
  
  "Hello I am W.I.F.E. (Wireless Intelligent Female, Electronic), another fine product of Minsystems Labs and your guide to the Wonders of Tomorrow! You can ask me about any part of the pavilion to learn more. As this prototype lacks a number of our exciting upcoming features such as social analysis and reaction diodes, for purposes of this demonstration I will be assuming that you are an affluent middle-aged man named Dave Johnson who is interested in purchasing me to impress the clients of his medium-sized ad agency. What would you like to know, Dave?"
  
  1) "Can you tell me about the Car of Tomorrow?"
  2) "Can you tell me about the Ice Cream of Tomorrow?"
  3) "Can you tell me a little more about yourself?"
  4) "Can I take you for a test, er, walk?"
  5) "Let's stop talking for now."
  
  > 1
  ["Can you tell me about the Car of Tomorrow?"]
  
  "Sure, Dave! The Car of Tomorrow is a sleek, state-of-the-art driving machine. It contains over two tons of steel and can reach speeds of one-hundred-forty miles per hour when dragged at high speed along a magnetic track by specially designed robots. The Car of Tomorrow is capable of running on unrefined oil and blocks of shale, has high-quality Texture-Tronic plastic seating for up to ten people, boasts Drive-Rite Suspension and foot-powered Auto-Stop braking technology, and is a delightful shade of cherry red. The Car of Tomorrow will be available to consumers by mid-1961, by which time it may also fly. Until then, enjoy this inert plywood prototype...and remember, tomorrow is calling!
  
  1) "Can you tell me about the Car of Tomorrow?"
  2) "Can you tell me about the Ice Cream of Tomorrow?"
  3) "Can you tell me a little more about yourself?"
  4) "Can I take you for a test, er, walk?"
  5) "Let's stop talking for now."
  
  > 2
  ["Can you tell me about the Ice Cream of Tomorrow?"]
  
  "Sure, Dave! The Ice Cream of Tomorrow is a polymolecular bovine-emission based organic substance displaying hyperminimal atomic vibration. It's also absolutely scrumptious!"
  
  1) "Can you tell me about the Car of Tomorrow?"
  2) "Can you tell me about the Ice Cream of Tomorrow?"
  3) "Can you tell me a little more about yourself?"
  4) "Can I take you for a test, er, walk?"
  5) "Let's stop talking for now."
  
  > 3
  ["Can you tell me a little more about yourself?"]
  
  "Sure, Dave! I am a state-of-the-art, fully operational artificial wife, capable of completing all necessary functions at the fraction of the power use of a standard wife. I can cook a wide variety of dishes, clean and fold laundry, and laugh when I detect jokes made within my amusement radius. Best of all, my chest cavity--wastefully stocked with nothing more than a heart and lungs in those other wives--contains an ice machine, tumbler dispenser, and a bottle of the finest aged Scotch!"
  
  1) "Can you tell me about the Car of Tomorrow?"
  2) "Can you tell me about the Ice Cream of Tomorrow?"
  3) "Can you tell me a little more about yourself?"
  4) "Gee, can I have some of that fancy Scotch?"
  5) "Can I take you for a test, er, walk?"
  6) "Let's stop talking for now."
  
  > 5
  ["Can I take you for a test, er, walk?"]
  
  "Right away, Dave!"
  
  1) "Can you tell me about the Car of Tomorrow?"
  2) "Can you tell me about the Ice Cream of Tomorrow?"
  3) "Can you tell me a little more about yourself?"
  4) "Gee, can I have some of that fancy Scotch?"
  5) "Wait here for a moment."
  6) "Let's stop talking for now."
  
  > 6
  ["Let's stop talking for now."]
  
  "You know best, dear!"
  
  A spacious plaza glittering with the promise of tomorrow. The center of the town square is to the north, and a spooky-looking haunted house lies to the east. The Car of Tomorrow gleams enticingly from on top of a raised dais. There is also a small kiosk distributing the Ice Cream of Tomorrow.
  
  The Wife of Tomorrow is standing here, looking pretty and waiting for someone to talk to her.
  
  > Go east
  You're standing on the porch of a creepy haunted house. From inside, you can hear tinny recordings of booming laughter and creaking hinges. A small car rests on a track. A noisy midway lies to the north, and a glittering, futuristic pavilion to the west.
  
  An elegantly lettered sign has been nailed to the front door.
  
  You can also see a glass case (closed) (in which is a tombstone) and a small car here.
  
  The Wife of Tomorrow rolls dutifully up behind you.
  
  > put Wife in Car
  (first taking The Wife of Tomorrow)
  The Wife of Tomorrow is too heavy for your fragile little arms to lift.
  
  > get in Car
  Nice girls start up a conversation with people if they want to talk about something, instead of just spitting out orders like some kind of drill sergeant! If you can't find a way to bring it up in conversation, well, then it's probably not something you need to talk about anyway.
  
  > talk to Wife
  [Picture number 9 here.]
  
  "Hello again, Dave. How was your day?"
  
  1) "Can you tell me about the Car of Tomorrow?"
  2) "Can you tell me about the Ice Cream of Tomorrow?"
  3) "Can you tell me a little more about yourself?"
  4) "Gee, can I have some of that fancy Scotch?"
  5) "Wait here for a moment."
  6) "Let's stop talking for now."
  
  > 4
  ["Gee, can I have some of that fancy Scotch?"]
  
  "I'm afraid I can't do that, Dave." The Wife of Tomorrow winks saucily. "Why buy the cow if she gives away the Scotch for free?"
  
  1) "Can you tell me about the Car of Tomorrow?"
  2) "Can you tell me about the Ice Cream of Tomorrow?"
  3) "Can you tell me a little more about yourself?"
  4) "Wait here for a moment."
  5) "Let's stop talking for now."
  
  > 5
  ["Let's stop talking for now."]
  
  "You know best, dear!"
  
  You're standing on the porch of a creepy haunted house. From inside, you can hear tinny recordings of booming laughter and creaking hinges. A small car rests on a track. A noisy midway lies to the north, and a glittering, futuristic pavilion to the west.
  
  The Wife of Tomorrow is standing here, looking pretty and waiting for someone to talk to her.
  
  An elegantly lettered sign has been nailed to the front door.
  
  You can also see a glass case (closed) (in which is a tombstone) and a small car here.
  
  > get in Car
  You hop into the car. "Well, if you say so, dear," says the Wife of Tomorrow, following you in. Metal cuffs snap shut around both your wrists as the car rolls forward into the haunted house. The Wife of Tomorrow emits eeks at regular intervals every time a rubber bat or bored teenager in a mummy costume appears.
  
  At the end of the ride, the cuffs squeeze tight around both your wrist and that of the Wife of Tomorrow, and a hidden heart monitor beeps. "What's this?" a recorded voice says with an oily air of triumph. "It appears that the terror was too much for someone's poor old heart. Why, there's not a hint of a beat left! A promise is a
  promise...."
  
  The glass case slides open.
  
  > go north
  Rows of games line the midway here, creating a noisy, colorful passage between the town square center to the west and a gloomy-looking haunted house ride to the south. The most prominent booth is a shooting gallery containing several rows of ducks and a BB gun.
  
  A carny slouches against the booth.
  
  The Wife of Tomorrow rolls dutifully up behind you.
  
  > go west
  All paths lead here, to the paved center of the town square. A large bronze statue of Canyonville's founder, Charles Fobb, towers over you. The festival surrounds you on all sides--east to the midway, west to the exit, south to the Tomorrow Pavilion, and north to the annual Judging of the Pies.
  
  You can see Deputy Wilcox here.
  
  The Wife of Tomorrow rolls dutifully up behind you.
  
  > show the tombstone to Deputy
  [Picture number 8 here.]
  
  "Back again, huh? How're you're enjoyin' the fair, Miss Noodleman?"
  
  1) "Look at this glowing tombstone. It's freakish! Freakish, I tell you!"
  2) "That's all I've got right now."
  
  > 1
  ["Look at this glowing tombstone. It's freakish! Freakish, I tell you!"]
  
  "Freakish--that's the word for it, all right. It's certainly not good old Canyonville rock. Why, I don't think it's even American!"
  
  1) Confront the deputy about all three pieces of evidence. You're done poking around this festival--it's time to get justice for Jimmy and his poor brain, no matter what the consequences!
  2) "That's all I've got right now."
  
  > 1
  [Confront the deputy about all three pieces of evidence. You're
  done poking around this festival--it's time to get justice for Jimmy and his poor brain, no matter what the consequences!]
  
  "I...I just can't deny it anymore," the deputy says, taking the objects to examine. "There's something mighty strange going on. I don't know if it's brain guzzlers or regular guzzlers, and I certainly ain't convinced they hail from space, but I aim to find out."
  
  The Deputy pulls his gun and checks the bullets. "Just so happens, I've got an idea. As long as everyone stays calm, we should have the situation cleared up in a few minutes. Now, first thing we're gonna do--"
  
  A piercing scream rings out across the fairgrounds! A moment later, Mary Jane appears, her dress torn and her tattered sash streaming out behind her. "Aliens!" she screams. "Aliens are attacking the festival!" You look in the direction she came from. It's true! Huge, jiggling shapes are oozing their way through the crowd. They look a little like gelatin molds being held up close to a camera and shaken vigorously, except for the tentacles, long and thick like pythons and dripping with glowing goop. More screams. Festival-goers are starting to panic. The calm before the storm is over--the Brain Guzzlers are making their move!
  
  1) "Deputy Wilcox! You're the law here. Do something!"
  2) "Mary Jane! Your people need you now more than ever. It's time to show you're a real Pine Nut Queen!"
  
  > 2
  ["Mary Jane! Your people need you now more than ever. It's time
  to show you're a real Pine Nut Queen!"]
  
  Mary Jane looks at you with wild eyes. "Are you bonkers?" she screeches. "I abdicate!"
  
  The lead Brain Guzzler--at least, it's the one in front--stretches one tentacle over to the Tomorrow Pavilion, picks up the Car of Tomorrow, and pitches it at you like a javelin. Deputy Wilcox drops backwards into the dirt, knocking you and Mary Jane down next to him. You watch the Undercarriage of Tomorrow sail overhead and hear the car smash into the midway with a sound of splintering wood and the clang of steel on tin.
  
  "Huh," the deputy says. "Bit ornery. Just ta be safe, I think you ladies oughtta make for the designated shelter area in Harding Tunnel. I'll come and get ya once these fellas an' I--" He ducks as an I-beam nearly decapitates him. "--have had a bit of a palaver."
  
  1) Run away!
  
  > 1
  [Run away!]
  
  You pelt down Main Street at top speed as Mary Jane struggles to keep up barefoot, having lost her high heels back at the fair. The screams of the festivalgoers echo down the empty street like water gurgling down a pipe. Wait and observe--set a few traps--then wait for everyone to gather in one place...those aliens have got to be smarter than the mindless blobs they look like. No wonder they're so fond of brains.
  
  As you reach the Saguaro Road intersection, you stop short. Mary Jane lets out another ear-splitting shriek. It looks like the monsters weren't counting on everyone being at the fair after all. One of them is oozing in from the north, two more from the west, and the biggest one yet is slobbering in from the south like a tidal wave of yellow-green goop. You're surrounded! You back away as the guzzlers close in.
  
  "Gotcha!" hisses a voice, and something warm and slimy closes around your wrist.
  
  1) Swing around and punch that monster square in the snoot!
  2) Scream for help and try to pull away.
  
  > 1
  [Swing around and punch that monster square in the snoot!]
  
  You whirl around, swinging your free hand in a wide arc, and end up punching Renee on the side of her head. "Ow!" she grunts, more startled than hurt--nobody ever accused you of being overly strong--and staggers back, just in time for you to lose your balance and topple forward into the diner, dragging Renee down with you. You both end up splayed on the linoleum. She shoves you off and struggles to her feet long enough to drag Mary Jane through the door, slam it shut, and throw the deadbolt.
  
  "You see them too, right?" she says, turning to you. "I'm not crazy? They're really here?"
  
  1) "Yes, and golly, are they ever dangerous, and they're no dummies, either! We're in such a deep pickle right now!"
  
  > 1
  ["Yes, and golly, are they ever dangerous, and they're no dummies, either! We're in such a deep pickle right now!"]
  
  Renee sighs. "Be careful what you wish for, I guess. Listen--I don't think they know I'm in here. We can hole up for a while if we have to. Might get pretty sick of burgers, but as long as we don't alert them--"
  
  Mary Jane lets out an ear-splitting shriek that nearly snaps your last nerve. You can't see anything in the diner, but Mary Jane just keeps screaming and bawling.
  
  1) "Shhh!"
  2) Grab her and put your hand over her mouth.
  3) Give her a good hard slap!
  
  > 3
  [Give her a good hard slap!]
  
  Crakk!
  
  Mary Jane blinks. "You--you hit me!" she says, looking more
  surprised than hurt.
  
  "We'll all get a lot worse than a baby slap from flipping Bonnie Noodleman if you don't cut that out!" Renee hisses. "What on Earth is wrong with you?"
  
  Mary Jane holds out her arm, which is smeared with red. "I'm bleeding. I think--I think I'm dying!"
  
  Renee rolls her eyes. "That's beef juice, you dip. I was in
  the middle of making patties when I grabbed you. Now quiet down and hope to God that they didn't just hear--"
  
  A tentacle smashes through the front window, covering the diner in broken glass and goo. Mary Jane lets out another piercing scream. Even Renee makes a strangled squeak.
  
  1) "Run for it!"
  2) "We have to fight!"
  
  > 2
  ["We have to fight!"]
  
  Renee nods at you. "Right," she says, "help me pull up these stools. We'll go back to back."
  
  "Wh-what about me?" Mary Jane sniffles.
  
  "Just try not to knock either of us down when you faint."
  
  Waves of ooze begin slopping over the broken windowsill and slithering purposefully across the floor towards you. Renee kicks at one, but it's like stepping in a mud puddle--she almost loses a sneaker.
  
  "We can't fight this stuff!" she moans. "We've gotta retreat. Out the back on three?"
  
  1) (nod) "One..."
  
  > 1
  [(nod) "One..."]
  
  The fryer suddenly explodes in a shower of grease and goo as a half-fried tentacle forces its way through the wall, reaching for you with ropy strands of sizzling, popping slime. "Twothreegogogo!" Renee shouts as the three of you scurry to the backdoor. The diner roof collapses behind you under several tons of hungry brain guzzler, sending up a cloud of plaster dust.
  
  You crash through the back door and sprint desperately for the sidewalk. The monsters are everywhere now, tentacles questing in every direction, but you somehow avoid them, ducking, dodging, even hurdling one of the smaller ones. You head north. There don't seem to be as many along Saguaro. You can hear the girls breathing heavily on either side of you. You all made it! Now if you can just reach the tunnel--
  
  Like a green landslide, a brain guzzler the size of a house slides down the slope of Make-Out Mountain, its surface a forest of tentacles.
  
  1) "Oh my gosh!"
  2) "Holy cow!"
  3) "Jeepers jipes!"
  4) You're so shocked, you actually say the f-word.
  
  > 4
  [You're so shocked, you actually say the f-word.]
  
  "FIDDLESTICKS!"
  
  You're petrified. It's huge. It's horrible. It's got to be the mother of all brain guzzlers. It's probably the one that ate Jimmy! Your feet feel like they're glued to the spot as a deep, primal fear bubbles up in your gut. Before you lies a sea of undulating goo, and the tide is coming in.
  
  Mary Jane passes you. She's screaming her head off, yes, but she's also actually moving instead of standing like a statue. It's
  like having an ambulance drive past your ear, and somehow it breaks the spell. You run.
  
  The three of you stagger through the entrance of the tunnel, a tidal wave of slime following you. A tentacle the size of a redwood slams into the cliffside. You can hear rock shattering and falling. Another tentacle. Another crash. The tunnel is collapsing!
  
  You run forward into the darkness until you can no longer hear the sound of tumbling rocks. "Everyone--okay?" Renee gasps. Mary Jane whimpers. You check yourself over. You might have dropped a few of the things you were carrying back there somewhere, but you're not bleeding and nothing seems to be broken.
  
  A cool, damp road beneath the mountain. Only a couple of the lights here work, and their dim yellow glow reflects off the slick concrete walls. Tons of rocks block the road to the southwest. To the northeast, you can see blue and red lights flashing in the darkness. You can see a heavy steel grate set into the wall here.
  
  Renee Finch is lying flat on her back, recovering.
  
  Mary Jane Minsky is sitting with her knees against her forehead, looking miserable.
  
  > Inventory
  You are carrying:
  a Depth Charge Deluxe
  a game pamphlet
  a Canyonville High yearbook
  a collapsible hula hoop
  a skirt-and-sweater combo (being worn)