text: [Themes: Fantasy, castle, queerness, wedding, olfactory, princess, fantasy, nonhuman protagonist, monster, dragon, Comedy, magic, knight, female protagonist, clown, constrained protagonist, witchcraft]
  
  Ser Leonhart, the bravest knight in all the land, points his sword at the fortress before him. Lightning strikes in the distance, illuminating the battlements below impatient clouds. A light rain begins to fall.
  
  "Behold, the Impenetrable Keep," he says. "At long last, I shall slay the evil shapeshifting wizard, rescue the princess and return peace to our fair kingdom."
  
  The young Squire Tuck clambers up the last stretch of steep mountain path. "Golly... milord," he says, struggling to catch his breath. "Must we go in there?"
  
  The knight's hair ripples in a swift breeze. "Fear not, my apprehensive accomplice. While no evil can withstand the heavy fist of justice, you must remember our secret weapon—the wizard sniffer
  shall
  sniff out the villain for us!"
  
  He prods you forward with the side of his boot, and you let out a disgruntled oink. To think you had successfully escaped this
  place the night before last, only to be brought back again.
  
  Well, it could be worse. You could be bacon.
  
  You stand before the raised drawbridge of an evil fortress. A murky, foul-smelling moat reflects not even a little bit of light. A rubbish bin festers beneath a cloud of flies.
  
  "My feet are ever so angry," says Tuck, "and terrible things have found their way between my toes. Might we rest here before walking further, milord?" His master nods in approval, and the squire sits on the ground and takes off his shoes.
  
  "One does not simply walk into the Impenetrable Keep," says Ser Leonhart. "First, I must devise a way across this moat." He rubs his chin.
  
  [Author's Note: You were recently acquired by the brave Ser Leonhart and his squire to sniff out the evil shapeshifting wizard. Unfortunately, you are not a wizard sniffer (if such a thing even exists). As far as you can tell, you are an ordinary pig. A comedy of errors experienced through a parser with a limited verb set. Also, puzzles.]
  
  > About yourself
  While your current owners know you as a wizard sniffer, you are, as far as you can tell, an ordinary pig (which you do not recommend being if it can be avoided).
  
  Keep—a
  remarkable feat involving magick, mayhem and a fair bit of puzzle solving. Your luck, however, would not last. As you dragged your weary body down the mountain and into the nearest town, you were spotted and subsequently claimed by a wandering capitalist.
  
  The capitalist, later happening upon the dim-witted knight and his squire at a roadside tavern, separated them from their large sack of gold by claiming you had the ability to sniff out evil wizards. As it turns out, this is not something you can actually do. Nevertheless, you feel it to be in your best interest to play the part as best you can.
  
  For now.
  
  > examine bin
  It appears to be awaiting collection.
  
  > examine the riddles
  Some puzzles are old, others are broken, and they are all terribly cliché.
  
  > Smell puzzles
  You sniff the puzzles. Ser Leonhart searches them for signs of the evil wizard, but finds none.
  
  > examine the moat
  One might assume the waters are only black in colour, but the stench that rises from their depths hints at something much fouler.
  
  > sniff the moat
  The moat is exceptionally putrid, so you pretend to sniff it.
  
  "The evil wizard is hiding in the moat!" shouts Ser Leonhart, drawing his sword. And with a mighty leap, he disappears into the foetid waters, only to emerge a minute or so later.
  
  Tuck helps him onto land. He tries not to breathe through his nose. "What happened, milord?"
  
  "He got away," says the knight, wringing the black water out of his golden tresses. "We shall let him savour his victory, for now."
  
  > look at the drawbridge
  The raised drawbridge is held up by sturdy ropes. One such rope extends across the moat.
  
  > look at the rope
  It connects the drawbridge to a lever on your side of the moat.
  
  > examine the lever
  It stands beside a sign.
  
  > look at the sign
  It reads: PULL TO LOWER BRIDGE.
  
  > Sniff lever
  You sniff the lever.
  
  "Aha!" cries Ser Leonhart, pushing you aside and pointing his sword at the thing. "Did you think your disguise would fool us, evil wizard? For the good of the kingdom, I shall cut you down!" With one graceful sweep of his blade, he removes the lever from where it stood. It clatters noisily to the ground, then lies still.
  
  "The deed is done," says Ser Leonhart, sheathing his sword. "The kingdom is safe once more. Let us remember all who have sacrificed themselves for this victory." He bows his head in silence.
  
  Tuck picks up the lever and inspects it thoroughly. "Milord, forgive me for not remembering the sacrifices, but, would not a dead evil wizard mayhap look like a dead evil wizard?"
  
  Ser Leonhart seizes the lever and narrows his eyes at it. "Aye, my attentive attendant. It seems we have been deceived by an ordinary wooden stick. The evil wizard is craftier than I expected. We must remain vigilant if we hope to defeat him." He hands the lever back to Tuck, who swings it enthusiastically like a sword before it slips through his fingers and disappears into the moat with a
  plunk.
  
  > sniff the moat
  You pretend to sniff it.
  
  "He's returned to the moat!" shouts Ser Leonhart as he leaps into the foetid waters once more, only to emerge with naught more than a frown.
  
  > sniff the rope
  You sniff the rope.
  
  "For justice!" cries Ser Leonhart, and with one great stroke of his gleaming sword, he severs the rope in two. Down comes the drawbridge, making as much noise as possible (as falling drawbridges tend to do). When the dust clears, the duo discovers the way into the keep has opened to the north.
  
  "A brilliant success, milord!" cheers Tuck.
  
  Ser Leonhart poses like a titan holding up the sky. His hair dances in another breeze. "Not even the Impenetrable Keep can stop the heavy fist of justice. All you need is confidence, my timid tenderfoot, and you can accomplish that which your heart most desires."
  
  "I shall keep working on my confidence, milord," says Tuck, holding his hair up for the wind to take.
  
  > Go north
  As you scurry across the drawbridge, the rain grows heavier.
  
  "He has the wizard's scent," says Ser Leonhart, pulling Tuck to his feet. "Let us make haste!"
  
  And so, the brave knight and his squire follow you into the now-penetrable Impenetrable Keep. Passing beneath the outer walls, you come upon the lower bailey, a muddy yard lying at the foot of the inner keep. A dogtower rises from the centre of the bailey to the north. You can also go northeast or northwest, to the respective east and west ends of the bailey.
  
  > examine the tower
  The stone dogtower stands in the centre of the bailey.
  
  > examine the yard
  This is the southern end of the bailey. You can go north, northeast, northwest or south across the drawbridge. Tuck and Ser Leonhart wait nearby.
  
  > go to the north
  You lead the knight and his squire to a doghouse shaped like a miniature tower. Hence, a dogtower. During your last escape, the dogtower housed an overly playful pomeranian. You have no desire to repeat the encounter.
  
  Attached to the dogtower is a long, thick chain. At first, you wonder why such a small dog would need such a thick chain, until you realise the chain is not wrapped around the neck of a pomeranian. The chain is wrapped around the neck of a sleeping dragon.
  
  "Is-is that a... is-is that a..." asks Tuck, the rest of his question lodged in his throat.
  
  Ser Leonhart covers the young squire's mouth. "Aye, my quivering companion," he whispers, "we have stumbled upon the fiercest creature of them all. Let us keep quiet, lest we learn whether it has a taste for human flesh."
  
  > look at the dragon
  When it comes to dragons, the stories say not even the sharpest steel can pierce their armoured scales. Even though this dragon is sleeping, you are relieved to see the chain about its neck. Barely visible beneath one of its claws is a ball.
  
  > examine the ball
  One of those playthings for peasant children or dogs. It's not very large and can be held easily in one hand. Or a pig's mouth, given you are in possession of one.
  
  > examine Tuck
  The ever-faithful Squire Tuck might be taking his first brave steps into manhood, but he most closely resembles an underfed parrot. To his credit he is not necessarily an unsightly one. His slender frame may not help him accomplish any grand feats, but one could argue his mettle more than makes up for it.
  
  > sniff Tuck
  You sniff the young squire.
  
  Ser Leonhart casts Tuck a suspicious glare and draws his sword. "So, evil wizard, you think you could kidnap my squire and take his place? For justice, I will strike you down!"
  
  Tuck throws his arms in the air and tumbles backwards. "Wait, milord! It's me, your faithful servant!"
  
  The knight halts his blade shy of justice. "Oh, it is you," he says. "That was nearly a misunderstanding." He returns his sword to his side.
  
  > examine the chain
  It's wrought of iron and as thick as Tuck is thin.
  
  > look at the knight
  Ser Leonhart is a knight, which is to say he is the quintessential man. If asked about his countenance, the good people of the kingdom would tell you the gods, in their quest for perfection, carved him out of the very lands he swore an oath to protect. They would say his eyes shimmer like the crystal blue sea beneath a radiant sun; his hair, amber and billowy, cascades from his noble brow like lush, wind-lashed fields of grain before the autumn harvest; his jaw is strong, defined and unyielding like the great walls that guard the borders against the demi-human hordes; and his massive suit of platemail leaves little doubt as to the robustness of the regions beneath.
  
  Yet to you he is a rather average fellow, with ruddy skin, a mop of blond hair and a long nose. No matter how hard you try, you are unable to gaze upon him with such admiration, and you wonder if it ought to do with being an ordinary pig.
  
  He carries with him a great sword and a shield emblazoned with the Leonhart family standard—a lion on checks of burgundy and gold.
  Tucked
  into his belt is a wrinkled flyer.
  
  > look at flyer
  The knight has gazed at the flyer with sufficient frequency for you to memorise both the crudely-drawn depiction of a princess and the text beneath. It read:
  
  Citizens of our most great and virtuous kingdom,
  
  On the twenty-third day of Maya, Her Royal Highness, Princess Joyanna Marianna Novellanna Montcabernet Savignon (Princess Joy), hath been kidnapped by the most evil of wizards, Queklain, who, in the form of a most fearsome dragon, hath taken her against her will to his Impenetrable Keep for the most nefarious of purposes. Henceforce and whatwith, whoever among the most noble of heroes, who possesseth the most courage and virtue, who rescueth her from the most terrible of fates, shall earneth the king's most bountiful blessing to requesteth her hand in marriage, and receiveth the most royal dowry of ten million doubloons.
  
  Signeth,
  His Most Royal Highness, King Aurelius Audacious Latinus Montcabernet Savignon XXVIII.
  
  You soon discovered neither the knight nor his squire possess the ability to read. Ser Leonhart has, however, learned a mere two words in his travels—Princess Joy—which he recited over and over like a prayer from the Good Books. This would be accompanied by a wistful look at the sky, or perhaps a fist over his heart and a vow to the gods he will either finish his quest or die trying.
  
  > Sniff dragon
  Ser Leonhart watches you at first, his noble features etched with worry as you sniff around the dragon's wicked claws. Then, comprehension arrives like the first rays of the morning sun. "Oh, what a fool I am!" he shouts. Tuck gasps and pulls his doublet up over his nose.
  
  The knight strides gallantly forward, drawing his sword. "Were I an evil shapeshifting wizard, would I not take the form of a mighty dragon? You are clever, evil one, but you cannot outwit justice!" He stabs the dragon in the neck, but his blade bounces harmlessly aside.
  
  The dragon stirs. With a yawn like a smoking chimney it rolls languidly upright and, spotting the knight, begins to bark excitedly. The ball escapes to the side.
  
  Ser Leonhart is as still as a statue. "Listen carefully, Tuck," he whispers, "and make not the slightest movement. Dragons cannot see what does not move. In the meantime, I shall determine a plan of—"
  
  The dragon leaps onto Ser Leonhart, pinning him to the ground and licking his face. The knight struggles to free himself. "Save yourself, Tuck!" he shouts. "Send word to the king I have been devoured by a dragon!" He prepares himself for digestion.
  
  > take the ball
  Taken.