text: [Themes: A Folly, surreal, strong profanity, ghost, masque, dueling, sex, nudity, plague, gender-neutral protagonist, palace, time travel, Edgar Allan Poe, kissing, party, violence, midnight]
  
  How did you ever get into this predicament? A rumor, a glove thrown down onto a dance-floor? Now you're standing in the moonlight and your knees are knocking together, although you hope that no one notices. You're still dressed for a masquerade and nothing feels quite real. But it must be real.
  
  The scene is set: landscape garden.
  
  The cast: your second, Ferdinand, handing your weapon over; your rival's second, Onegin, handing her weapon over; and your
  rival -- the countess.
  
  "En garde!" the countess cries.
  
  [Author's Note: A fool receives a challenge from a countess. Violence. Sex. Profanity. Sausage.]
  
  > Attack countess
  You lunge toward the countess with your cutlass. Initiative should matter during a duel, shouldn't it? But then there is a clash and you find your blade scraping the countess's rapier as she drives you back with a parry.
  
  Sparks fly from your feuding swords. You are both dancing over the lawn, back and forth, here and there, and somehow you are still alive. It's unbelievable. But that comes to an end when you make a misstep and the countess waltzes right into the opening.
  
  How did you get into the air? Why can't you feel anything? And what is your body doing down there without a head?
  
  Oh.
  
  > Kiss countess
  You cast aside your weapon. You cannot fight the countess. This feud is a mistake. Instead you walk across the lawn toward her.
  
  She must see it in your eyes. She must know how you feel. Perhaps she even has the same feelings?
  
  Apparently not, because what you get is her rapier plunged into your mouth. It keeps plunging until your lips are pressed onto its hilt.
  
  At least you got to kiss something.
  
  > attack Onegin
  The countess? The countess? Why should you fight the countess when that bastard Onegin is undoubtedly the mastermind behind this whole charade?
  
  You're overcome with outrage and you lunge toward Onegin. It's certainly a pretty sight to see him flinch, but your cutlass never even grazes him before you've been repelled by the countess. Her sword intercepts your own; she's faster; she has pushed you back.
  
  "Your challenge is with me!" she says.
  
  And then her rapier is in your gut, your innards spilling out. Somehow she must have done it when your focus was on Onegin. His smile is the last thing that you see, and your intestines are the last thing that you feel as you try to push them back inside.
  
  You aren't successful.
  
  > attack ferdinand
  Something whispers in your brain, like a perverse worm, encouraging you to attack Ferdinand, and you do. Onegin and the countess are irrelevant. All your frustrations erupt in your own second's direction.
  
  You swing around, your cutlass slashing sideways through the air, in order to take Ferdinand by surprise, but in the brief moment before your weapon would connect, you realize your mistake: nothing can take Ferdinand by surprise.
  
  She has your wrist, her knee is in your gut, and suddenly your arm is bending backward in her grasp. You can see in her eyes something nobody living has seen. That is because everyone who has seen it is dead. It is killing intent.
  
  "If this is how you repay your allies," says Ferdinand, "no wonder you have enemies."
  
  Now she has your sword, but she does not wait too long before returning it.
  
  > examine her
  Ferdinand told you to run, but you were never going to listen, which is why she's serving as your second now. Her head is shaved completely bald, she has grown out her moustache and goatee, and she is wearing a captain's coat with epaulettes. It's a pity that she couldn't fight in your place; then the match might have been more even.
  
  The countess is suddenly there, only inches away. A clash is ringing in your ears and you can see your own sword sailing out over the garden. More importantly, you can feel her sword sinking into your stomach.
  
  "Revenge," she whispers in your ear, "is always sweeter than forgiveness."
  
  > look at the countess
  The countess cuts a formidable figure with her rapier upraised, its point a silver promise in the moonlight. Her face is partly hidden by a mask, her lips a scarlet smile underneath. Even encumbered by her outrageous gown (and it is indeed outrageous) you have no doubt that she is the better swordsman, and she seems to have no doubt about it either.
  
  She is suddenly there, only inches away. A clash is ringing in your ears and you can see your own sword sailing out over the garden. More importantly, you can feel her sword sinking into your stomach.
  
  "Revenge," she whispers in your ear, "is always sweeter than forgiveness."
  
  > Inventory
  You are carrying a playscript and a cutlass, and you are wearing motley.
  
  > About yourself
  You're dressed as a chequered jester with enormous sleeves and jingling bells. You expected to spend this night playing practical jokes on the other guests, stealing kisses. Fighting a duel for your life was never on the agenda.
  
  The countess is suddenly there, only inches away. A clash is ringing in your ears and you can see your own sword sailing out over the garden. More importantly, you can feel her sword sinking into your stomach.
  
  "Revenge," she whispers in your ear, "is always sweeter than forgiveness."
  
  > examine the gown
  A thousand luminescent jellyfish have been stitched together to create the countess's gown. They cannot breathe well in the open air, but their gasping only makes them glow more wonderfully. Their tentacles and arms drag out behind her in a stinging, lightning-crackled trail, but the countess moves just as gracefully as the jellyfish themselves would in water.
  
  She is suddenly there, only inches away. A clash is ringing in your ears and you can see your own sword sailing out over the garden. More importantly, you can feel her sword sinking into your stomach.
  
  "Revenge," she whispers in your ear, "is always sweeter than forgiveness."
  
  > examine the mask
  A domino mask fashioned entirely from pearls covers the countess's face. Far from romantic, it seems to lend the skin around her eyes a lesioned, bubbling appearance, or perhaps suggest frog-eggs or caviar. Nobody else would be able to wear such a thing without looking a fright; the countess makes it look impeccable.
  
  She is suddenly there, only inches away. A clash is ringing in your ears and you can see your own sword sailing out over the garden. More importantly, you can feel her sword sinking into your stomach.
  
  "Revenge," she whispers in your ear, "is always sweeter than forgiveness."
  
  > wake up
  You open your eyes.
  
  > wake up
  On the floor you can see a white glove where it has been contemptuously thrown down, and expanding outward from this glove the world takes form. There are dancers surrounding you in a circle, but they are not dancing: they are staring at you and staring at the glove, and their eyeballs never cease staring because they are frozen.
  
  There has been some hitch and time stands still.
  
  A chandelier hangs overhead, candles unflickering. Everything is mirrored in the marble floor. Toward the future you can glimpse the grand staircase, where the countess is ascending with her back turned after having delivered her challenge.
  
  Maybe you ought to try examining your playscript.
  
  > examine the script
  Scene:
  ballroom, evening
  
  to thwart the countess prior to their duel.
  
  Stage directions:
  inventory (i), examine (x), take, drop, talk to
  
  future (f), past (p), clockwise (c),
  counter-clockwise (cc)
  wear, undress, wake up
  kiss (when wearing motley)
  
  > examine the glove
  A simple white glove.
  
  > examine the dancers
  You cannot recognize anyone behind their masks. There is a jackal in a tailcoat, and a nymph with shellfish in her hair, and an enchantress with gold orbs for eyes, and someone with marzipan skin, and an alpine maiden with a shepherd's crook, and an antlered baron, and a raven in a judge's wig, and a sequined succubus, and other masqueraders more fantastic still, but the one thing they all have in common is that their frozen gazes are condemning you: Guilty, they seem to say, guilty.
  
  > examine countess
  Looking at the countess now, you can still feel the shame and confusion and rage that washed over you when she first threw down this glove -- or was it the only time she threw down the glove? Is this moment the same as the other? You were too shocked to respond, and could only watch her sail away through the crowd, up the grand staircase, like some royal frigate among smaller vessels bobbing in her wake.
  
  > look at the jackal
  It's strange, but when you look at the individual dancers their details warp as though you were looking at something from inside a fishbowl.
  
  > check what you're carrying
  You are carrying a playscript, and you are wearing motley.
  
  > examine motley
  You thought you would look rather charming in motley when you selected this costume, but considering the circumstances you look more like a genuine fool than you ever intended -- with or without the
  costume.
  
  > look at chandelier
  You once heard a story about a chandelier falling on a crowd during a dance and crushing everyone under its weight. It just goes to show that you never know when death will come calling, or how.
  
  > examine the floor
  You look down and find your reflection looking back from the polished marble. Apart from you, your mirrored double is the only thing that moves in this ballroom.
  
  > examine the staircase
  Grand staircase? Monumental staircase is more like it. Battalions could march down those red-carpeted steps with room to spare, but right now the countess has the staircase to herself with her tentacled gown trailing behind her.
  
  > examine the script
  Scene:
  ballroom, evening
  
  to thwart the countess prior to their duel.
  
  Stage directions:
  inventory (i), examine (x), take, drop, talk to
  
  future (f), past (p), clockwise (c),
  counter-clockwise (cc)
  wear, undress, wake up
  kiss (when wearing motley)
  
  > take the glove
  You try to lift the white glove, but your muscles strain and it remains stuck to the marble. This glove is the core around which the entire evening is anchored, and nothing will ever budge it from the spot.
  
  > F.
  When you reach the grand staircase landing, the countess is already gone, which is to say that she was never here at this particular moment. Perhaps she just left or perhaps she's about to arrive, but the salient point is that you're not going to find her.
  
  Ferdinand, however, is leaning against a balustrade, her gaze cast toward the dancers in their formations below. She isn't one for dancing herself unless it's atop freshly slain enemies. Her cutlass, which you will borrow later in your duel with the countess, is leaning against the balustrade beside her.
  
  The ballroom is in the past now, and in the future you will look behind a polar bear.
  
  > examine Ferdinand
  Your oldest friend, Ferdinand might also be your only friend left now. There's no one more experienced when it comes to warfare, and in most situations you'd take whatever tactical advice she had to give. But when she drew you aside earlier tonight and told you that your goose was going to be cooked -- that the countess, indeed, was stoking the fire -- you assured her that you'd baste yourself thoroughly first. She didn't think it was funny. She also knew she wouldn't change your mind.
  
  > look at the cutlass
  Ferdinand's cutlass has lopped away more heads than ever rolled during a revolution. But although she's agreed to lend you her weapon for the upcoming duel, you'll probably lose your own fingers before you even scratch the countess with it.
  
  > talk to Ferdinand
  You can't talk to Ferdinand. She is paralyzed and will remain paralyzed in this moment.
  
  > Kiss ferdinand
  You respect Ferdinand far too much to take any liberties with her, even as a joke. There's also the fact that she'd have your head if she ever found out that you'd stolen a kiss.
  
  > look at the dancers
  Right now the dancers appear to be engaged in a minuet, although nobody is moving and there's no music. You always found the minuet rather tedious, but this takes it to a new level.
  
  > F.
  Dmitri's chest is pressed against the wall, arms overhead with his fingernails raking down the wallpaper. Onegin is straddling his rear, gripping his waist, paused mid-thrust with his cock halfway inside Dmitri's cunt -- or maybe halfway out?
  
  As the countess's minion, it is Onegin's duty to carry her weapon, and right now her rapier is resting nearby on the floor in an opened case.
  
  The polar bear itself is at least three meters tall, preserved taxidermically in a perpetual roar with claws outspread. Traveling counter-clockwise would reorient you toward the black salon, and the grand staircase is in your past.
  
  > look at the script
  Scene:
  behind a polar bear, evening
  
  to replace a weapon.
  
  Stage directions:
  inventory (i), examine (x), take, drop, talk to
  
  future (f), past (p), clockwise (c),
  counter-clockwise (cc)
  wear, undress, wake up
  kiss (when wearing motley)
  
  > take the weapon
  When you try to take the rapier, you feel something resist, and then it occurs to you: there will always need to be some weapon in this case, otherwise the countess would be unarmed during the duel later. You'll need to find a replacement and drop it here if you want to remove the rapier.
  
  > examine Dmitri
  It's unbelievable. Dmitri ought to know better than this. There must be, what, a few hundred people attending this masquerade ball, and he has to cavort with that bastard Onegin? You can't fathom what's going through his head, but at least there's one upshot: he has Onegin distracted, and the countess's unguarded weapon is yours to meddle with.
  
  > examine Onegin
  Onegin, that bastard. He's just got to fuck everything in your life, doesn't he? First it was spreading that rumor (probably) and now it's this. You wonder how people like him even come to exist. What influences must have converged to plant him right here, at this moment, with Dmitri, behind this godforsaken polar bear.
  
  > Cc
  Black sable tapestries hang from the ceiling and walls, and black velvet carpets the floor. Scarlet radiance slants through scarlet windowpanes. An ebony grandfather clock has stopped keeping the time at one quarter to twelve.
  
  There is nobody here.
  
  Clockwise you will look behind a polar bear, and when you glance back toward the past you can see a celebration in the banquet hall where everyone has gathered to drink, feast, and make merry.
  
  > look at the tapestries
  Such trappings bring to mind the plush interiors that cushion high-class coffins.
  
  > examine the windows
  When you glance outside through the scarlet windowpanes you can see great tripods burning. Heretics writhe in their flames. It's a glorious auto-da-fe.
  
  > examine the tripods
  You see nothing special about the heretics burning on the tripods. They're what you might call "garden variety." But you'll be in a similar spot if you can't finagle some method to outwit the countess soon.
  
  > look at the script
  Scene:
  black salon, one quarter to twelve
  
  fails to express any hour.
  
  Stage directions:
  inventory (i), examine (x), take, drop, talk to
  
  future (f), past (p), clockwise (c),
  counter-clockwise (cc)
  wear, undress, wake up
  kiss (when wearing motley)
  
  > look at the clock
  Two long cast-iron hands mark the time at one quarter to twelve.
  
  > P.
  Somehow a rift must have opened, because obese cherubs are pouring through the air onto the banquet-table; or at least, they would be pouring if they were in motion. There are several hundred, faces grimacing and feathered wings shedding blue pinions, and in their conglomerate they have impacted the table at one end, sending the other end skyward like a see-saw. Some even appear to be crawling upward along the table as rats would a mast aboard a sinking ship.
  
  This arrangement has naturally relocated the banquet itself into midair, where roasts and cakes and goblets and plates hang with their glazes and their silver sparkling. A tremendous kielbasa glistens temptingly.
  
  When it comes to the diners, most have already departed, although a few remain watching the cherubs with mild interest from seats pushed back against the walls. One lady dressed as a swan is eating angels on horseback, with a champagne flute daintily suspended in her other hand.
  
  A clockwise inclination would direct you into the aftermath, while moving counter-clockwise would steer you toward the cloak room, and in the future yawns the black salon.
  
  > take the kielbasa
  You pry the kielbasa from midair and heft it in one hand to test its weight. Yes, yes, this kielbasa will make for a perfectly delicious weapon in the right context.
  
  > examine the swan
  She has outdone herself. Apart from her two human hands, this lady looks exactly like a swan. It is uncanny. She would probably
  waddle and peck breadcrumbs if she could move.
  
  > look at the angels
  The "angels" are oysters, and they are "on horseback" because they've been wrapped in bacon. These angels have also been speared with a skewer, which the swan-lady is holding to her beak between thumb and forefinger.
  
  > examine the flute
  It is never too early or late for champagne. When there's no occasion for champagne, then the champagne makes the occasion.
  
  > look at the cherubs
  For some reason artists always represent cherubs as adorable little darlings when the truth is that they're hideous. Their skulls are elongated, their black eyes bulbous, their tiered teeth serrated, and their flesh cracked where an ordinary infant would have folds. A piranha would look friendlier.
  
  > examine Dmitri
  Vines dripping with muscatel grapes are draped like laurels around Dmitri's ears, and he has a toga knotted over one shoulder. He's not an adolescent but he's still blooming with youth like one. Some people never seem to age, not even when time's moving properly.
  
  > examine script
  Scene:
  aftermath, early morning
  
  with an interested party,
  or perhaps with a disinterested one.
  
  Stage directions:
  inventory (i), examine (x), take, drop, talk to
  
  future (f), past (p), clockwise (c),
  counter-clockwise (cc)
  wear, undress, wake up
  kiss (when wearing motley)
  
  > look at the book
  "They're fables," explains Dmitri. "Someone left this book behind and I've just been skimming the stories. Here, listen to this one."
  
  He clears his throat and then begins:
  
  "Sly Bertrand and Ratto in company sat
  (the one was a monkey, the other a cat)
  before a fire to watch chestnuts roasting.
  Said Bertrand to Ratto, his voice imploring:
  
  "'My brother, you ought to exhibit your skill
  and fish out those nuts so we can eat our fill.
  Your paws are suited expertly to the task
  whereas I am afraid mine would just burn, alas.'
  
  "'It is done,' answered Ratto, extending a paw
  and attempting to dig through the ash with his claw.
  One after another out the chestnuts popped
  though Ratto was still scorched before he had stopped.
  
  "Yet the poor cat had nothing to eat
  for the monkey had made his retreat
  with the chestnuts in hand; peasants bring
  power in this manner to their king.
  
  "I believe that the phrase 'cat's paw' is derived from this fable," says Dmitri, "but what I want to know is why a monkey and cat
  were eating roasted chestnuts in the first place."
  
  > talk to Dmitri
  "Honestly," says Dmitri, "I'm surprised you're still alive. I suppose that you must have done something tricky to manage that, eh? Put your finger on the record to stop the universe from turning, then slipped out the back door to dodge your appointment with the countess? Otherwise you'd be dead. You're an incompetent swordsman. I've seen you. But I guess it doesn't matter: you're here now, whenever
  now is in the grand scheme.
  
  "I'm afraid that you won't find many others still hanging around though. They've all gone. It's dreadfully late -- or maybe dreadfully early? Early and late are the same when the hour is right. But you know me. I never sleep."
  
  He pauses to turn a page in his book.
  
  "Can't wake up when I do," he says.
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > examine the script
  "I've got nothing to say about that," says Dmitri.
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Countess
  "I'll tell you how I first saw the countess," says Dmitri. "It was a twilight evening some years back, and I was standing outside with the crowd on the steps leading into the opera house. If you aren't familiar with the opera house, it's situated beside a canal, and a long stairway runs down from the piazza to the water. People arrive in gondolas, and naturally there's a lot of preening and parading on that staircase.
  
  "Well, from where I was standing I could see something marvelous coming down the water. It was like a carriage, like a chariot, completely gold and drawn by seven bottlenose dolphins. They were pulling it through the canal just like a horse would pull a carriage on a street. But what's a bottlenose dolphin, you ask? I didn't know at the time, but since then I've learned that they're a highly endangered marine mammal. They look like very large, sleek fish, and supposedly there aren't more than fifty still alive. And
  seven were pulling that chariot through the canal. You can
  imagine the spectacle when it drew to a stop at the staircase and its passenger emerged. That passenger was none other than the countess.
  
  "You don't need me to describe her appearance. She's always the most gorgeous person in the room -- or, in this case, on the waterfront. Everything she wore shimmered with diamonds. The world seemed to come into more focus around her, to clarify, like something magnified under a jeweler's loupe. You could feel that everybody in the crowd had either fallen in love with her immediately (if they weren't in love with her already), or that they were just boiling with jealousy, but she didn't pay any attention to them. She didn't climb the staircase either. Instead she went over to a walkway extending beneath a nearby bridge's underpass and came out again with the most grimy little urchin in the city. That child had been camped beneath that underpass for weeks, eating rats from a sewage pipe that emptied into the canal. Since there weren't many rats, the child wasn't very healthy. The countess took the child and actually wrapped it in her own cloak, right there in front of everybody at the opera house, and then she helped it step into her chariot and drove away again without even the slightest hello or goodbye to her socialite peers.
  
  "What an outrage that scene caused! I can hardly remember the opera itself because I was still thinking about the countess during the whole performance. Later on, the scandal was splashed all over the papers, but the countess never cared. She had seen someone in need and that was the only thing that mattered to her. Now I have it on good authority that her street urchin eats all the rats that anyone could ever want."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Time
  "What does anyone know about time?" says Dmitri. "It's always slipping away like an eel when you want it to stay put, and when you've got no use for it, why, then of course it drags its feet worse than a convict with a ball and chain. Time's a contrarian, that's what it is. It never makes any sense, so finally you stop trying to look for any sense in it."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Urchin
  "That street urchin will probably be an earl or something by the time that the countess is finished," says Dmitri. "You know that she's more than a countess herself? She's got enough titles and styles in different countries and districts and principalities or whatever that she can pick what she wants to be called. It wouldn't be wrong to address her as a baroness, a duchess, even a grand princess,
  but she prefers countess. For the word's ring, I suppose."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Ferdinand
  "You're lucky to have Ferdinand on your side," says Dmitri. "The countess is formidable, but even she's as meek as a kitten in comparison. I can't begin to guess how many kills old
  Ferdinand must have under her belt. Of course it was all done in the line of duty, or whatever other nonsense people will say to try making it palatable. But facts are facts.
  
  "What does Ferdinand see in you, anyway? You're certainly not her peer in martial prowess, and not in social status either. I don't think you can claim to match her intellectual level. Maybe she keeps you around like a little pet dog. Am I in the right ballpark? You're like a shih tzu for her. Something she can take out every once in a while and play with and then put back into a kennel without feeling too guilty about it. Not that I think she can feel guilty about anything. She
  must have killed her conscience a long time ago. Probably her first victim.
  
  "Then again, perhaps I'm being too hard on her. I suppose life has taken its toll on Ferdinand just like everybody else. The difference is that not everybody else has a little pet shih tzu to distract themselves."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Onegin
  "What could I tell you about Onegin that you don't already know?" asks Dmitri. "You don't want to know anything about him. No, what you really want is to know about me and Onegin, but
  there's nothing to tell about that either. There's nothing between us.
  
  "Of course I won't deny that I've fucked him, but he's just another notch in my bedpost. A handsome notch, but still a notch. Your problem is that you think he's such a bastard you can't fathom why I'd do it. And that is your problem, not mine. He might be a perfectly disagreeable character -- pompous, egomaniacal, even a little thick-skulled -- but that doesn't mean I can't have a good time with him. You see, the difference between us is that whereas you
  take everything much too personally, I just take things as
  they come. I've told you the same thing before, but did you listen to me? No. And you won't listen to me now. Forget about Onegin. Bury this ridiculous vendetta you have with him. It makes you look like a child."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Bear
  "You saw us behind the polar bear, did you?" asks Dmitri. "I don't care. I have nothing to hide. I'll admit I'm a little annoyed that you'd sit there and watch like a voyeur, but I'm not going to let myself get angry over it. I'm not the one who needs to grow up. You are."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Vendetta
  "Do you even know why you have a vendetta with Onegin?" asks Dmitri. "I'd be shocked if you did. The worst thing he's ever done to you is just exist on the same planet. He barely even acknowledges that
  you exist. I can understand why there'd be no warmth between
  you, but this lust for blood you've got is something else entirely. It's pathetic is what it is."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Dmitri
  "Even after all this time, you don't know who I am," says Dmitri. "It's hard for two people to really know each other, naturally, but I'm not talking about that deeper level. I'm talking about the surface, the little things that go into everyday life. Sometimes when I'm talking to you I feel like you're talking to someone else behind me. Like words leave your mouth and go over my head to this other person. And you seem satisfied with their response, whatever it is, because I don't give you a response. I can't. You don't hear
  me. But you don't want to, because you already think you know my answer. You've invented another me to suit yourself. Well, here I am now. I refuse to be that other person's shadow anymore."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Jellyfish
  "Yes, the countess is always on the cutting edge when it comes to fashion," says Dmitri. "Who else would wear a gown made out of living jellyfish? Nobody. The jellyfish would sting most other people. But do they sting the countess? Oh no, because they love her."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Yourself
  "You know what I think about you," says Dmitri. "I've told you many times... so many times... but now I recognize it was my fault. Not that I'm apologizing. If anyone deserves an apology, it's me
  for putting up with what I did. What I mean is that people will always be themselves. No matter how many masks they wear. No matter how many costumes. Trying to change them is the greatest fool's errand in the world. Do you know how much agonizing it took me to reach that conclusion? I kept trying to resist. I wanted to believe that if I pushed a little harder, said the right thing, used the rights words in the right combination, everything would change like winter into spring. I was an idiot. An absolutely blithering moron. I won't say that I'm smarter now, but I am more pragmatic. Nowadays I'm
  content with much smaller victories -- like drinking a very well-made martini."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Martini
  "Nothing slips down quite as smoothly as a martini," says Dmitri. "They must be mankind's greatest achievement."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Love
  "Love?" says Dmitri, and he stifles a laugh. "Yes, I suppose love is playing a role in tonight's farce. The question is why, since
  nobody's in love with anyone. Some people just think that
  they are. I won't name names, but I will say it makes them look... foolish. And I'm not just talking about you either."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Party
  "Attending these masquerade parties is like playing russian roulette," says Dmitri. "Someone always dies, and yet invitations have never been in higher demand. You remember last time it was that poor girl Matilda? And the year before that, they found the duke's cousin hanged in the kitchen pantry. This year it's your turn apparently."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Matilda
  "Matilda, that poor girl," says Dmitri. "It's terrible what happened to her. Drowned in the fountain last year. She wasn't exactly an innocent lamb -- in fact, she was a spoiled brat -- always sticking her tongue out and snubbing her nose -- but it was an
  endearing snobbiness, if you know what I mean. She almost did
  it on purpose, adopted a character to poke fun at herself. Anyway, my point is that she had no enemies. Nobody could figure out a motive for why someone would want to kill her.
  
  "Everyone was shocked, of course, but no one took it worse than the countess. Those two had been great friends. You should've seen the countess out there bawling by the fountain. They had to pry the corpse away from her with a crowbar. Grief like that, you think that it only exists in novels, but then you see it firsthand and realize you never understood the world at all."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Cousin
  "Can you imagine opening a door and being confronted by a dead body hanging from the rafters?" asks Dmitri. "I still remember the screaming from the cook. She said that she'd been going to get saffron, and what she got was that. Everyone suspected
  suicide, although the duke himself wouldn't humor the notion.
  He said murder. Someone always has to say murder."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Duke
  "The duke shot himself later on," says Dmitri. "That was definitely suicide. It didn't happen at a party though."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Murder
  "It's never been determined that a murder actually took place," says Dmitri. "Inquiries were made; they went nowhere; people moved on. That doesn't mean there aren't still suspicions in the air. Sometimes they flash out like knives when you least expect it. But it's almost a game. No one takes these things seriously."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Glove
  "Throwing a glove at somebody is the traditional way to demand a duel," says Dmitri. "But the countess isn't wearing gloves tonight, which means that she brought one on purpose just to challenge
  you. The whole thing was premeditated."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Heretics
  "They're a highly dependable fuel source, heretics," says Dmitri. "I hear that in the countryside they spring up just as easily as weeds, although you'll occasionally spot them sprouting between the social cracks in more urban areas too. Some people are scared that we might burn them all and run out, but I say fiddlesticks. All you need to do to make more heretics is tweak the official definition a little."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Clock
  "That salon is a ghastly chamber," says Dmitri. "It's the sort of place that makes you giggle because you're nervous, and then you want to get out as soon as possible. No wonder it's always deserted. And to make matters worse, they say that it's... haunted isn't the right word, but visited. I wouldn't set foot in its precincts at
  all when the clock isn't working."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Cherub
  "Beastly pests," says Dmitri. "There's nothing worse than a cherub infestation. Did you ever hear about the RMS Lusitania? It
  had a cherub infestation. The things made a nest in the boiler room and eventually ate through the hull. Everyone blamed that ship's sinking on a torpedo, but torpedoes don't leave bite-marks and perfumed guano behind, do they?"
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Swan
  "Oh yes, I saw that lady in the swan costume earlier," says Dmitri. "At first I thought she was a swan. I was ready to herd her
  outdoors. But then she turned around and gave me such a
  savage expression that I knew she couldn't be a swan. She had
  to be at least a baroness."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Kielbasa
  "It certainly is a big kielbasa," says Dmitri. "What are you going to have with it: sauerkraut, pickles, mustard, fried onions? Maybe some vodka? Or are you just going to smack someone over the head with it like it's a baseball bat?"
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Second
  "Dueling has a certain etiquette," says Dmitri. "Duelists have seconds to help sort the rules out and keep everything by the book, because we can't have people killing each other in an uncivilized manner."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Garden
  "Landscape gardens are bizarre," says Dmitri. "Some people build old towers in their gardens -- well, let me correct myself: they're designed to look old. They're called follies and they're
  absolutely useless. Uninhabitable, hollow shells for the most part. But they contribute to the garden's picturesque scenery,
  because who wouldn't want a romantic old pile in the corner?
  
  "Occasionally you'll even find fake hermits employed to live in these follies like wild men. That makes it more charming, to have a fake hermit living in a fake ruin. Who are the hermits? Poor people who need money. What is their job description? To sit around and never bathe and look contemplative. It's harder than it sounds. And if they make a mistake and do something as contemporary as trimming their hair or wearing shoes, why, then they aren't paid.
  
  "This palace's garden doesn't have a folly, thankfully."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Cutlass
  "A cutlass is a standard enough sword," says Dmitri. "What makes Ferdinand's cutlass special is that it belongs to Ferdinand. That sword has glutted itself on more blood than I care to think about. It's something that someone would hang in a museum -- that admirers in future generations will undoubtedly handle like a sacred relic -- but in your hands it's no more dangerous than a stick. Still better than nothing, I guess."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Rapier
  "The thing about a dueling rapier is that it hasn't got a good edge," says Dmitri. "It requires a certain advanced talent to wield correctly, especially if you're wielding it with the intent to kill. But the countess shouldn't have any problems. She's a practiced duelist. When she goes for the throat, she gets the throat, and sometimes she takes the head too."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Motley
  "In olden times it was only the court fool who could speak uncensored," says Dmitri. "Everything a fool said was discredited simply because a fool had said it, which allowed these court fools to speak the truth disguised as nonsense. That's why you find your costume so appealing, isn't it? I know you well enough. But what you haven't considered is that any society that still needs fools to hide the truth in jokes must be repressed. It's only when fools are retired for good that we'll have actual freedom. In that light, your motley could almost be considered a symbol for oppression, couldn't it? So much for fun and games."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Mask
  "Identity is the greatest prison in the world," says Dmitri. "Everyone's trapped in their own. And while wearing a costume doesn't allow you to escape, it does make you forget for a while. But then the morning breaks and you see how your make-up is smeared and your hair's come undone and the diamonds in your rings are just rhinestones. You've spilled wine on yourself. You're hungover. That's the real you, and you don't want to look in the mirror at it."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Time
  "What does anyone know about time?" says Dmitri. "It's always slipping away like an eel when you want it to stay put, and when you've got no use for it, why, then of course it drags its feet worse than a convict with a ball and chain. Time's a contrarian, that's what it is. It never makes any sense, so finally you stop trying to look for any sense in it."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Playscript
  "Don't tell me you don't know what a playscript is," says Dmitri. "It's something that's got everything written down -- scenes and stage directions and all that. Actors use them to memorize lines for plays. However, when they finally recite the lines they try to pretend that they're speaking spontaneously. That's what makes them actors."
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Book
  "I won't recite it again. You can read it for yourself," says Dmitri, opening the book to the right page.
  
  (the one was a monkey, the other a cat)
  before a fire to watch chestnuts roasting.
  Said Bertrand to Ratto, his voice imploring:
  
  'My brother, you ought to exhibit your skill
  and fish out those nuts so we can eat our fill.
  Your paws are suited expertly to the task
  whereas I am afraid mine would just burn, alas.'
  
  'It is done,' answered Ratto, extending a paw
  and attempting to dig through the ash with his claw.
  One after another out the chestnuts popped
  though Ratto was still scorched before he had stopped.
  
  with the chestnuts in hand; peasants bring
  power in this manner to their king.
  
  In order to speak with Dmitri, just mention whatever subject you'd like to hear his opinion about, or you could say farewell.
  
  > Farewell
  Dmitri turns his attention back to his reading and his martini.