text: [Themes: modern, humor]
  
  "Mel, get the fuck up you lazy motherfucker!"
  
  Arrgh! That's your girlfriend Tina. Its only 1:00 PM and she's screaming at you to get up. Probably wants you to get a job.
  
  "Alright! Jesus fucking Christ woman, get off my fucking ass!" you shout back, holding your head.
  
  As you get up crushed beer cans roll off your body. You realize you passed out the night before on the kitchen floor of the trailer. Empty bottles of Wild Turkey and Jack Daniels lie strewn about the floor along with a pile of cigarette butts.
  
  Whew! You must've really been partying hard last night! You smell like ass and vomit!
  
  [Author's Note: Yee Haw! It's a trailer park life for me! Additional Notes: This story has a ton of offensive langauge and humor so if you don't like that sort of thing, you probably shouldn't read it. Though given the setting, the language used is pretty accurate. This also isn't really a "win/lose" type story. While there are some endings better than others, this is basically just a tale about a typical day of a degenerate that lives in a trailer park.]
  
  > have a drink
  Might as well start the day off with a good liquid breakfast! You go to the fridge and don't see any form of alcoholic beverage.
  
  "Where the fuck is the beer?!"
  "Your alcoholic ass drank all of it last night! Drink the goddamn milk instead!"
  
  You grumble and begin to drink the milk and promptly puke it up in the sink when it comes out in gray clumps.
  
  "FUCK! No fuckin' beer, expired milk, don't you ever go shopping?"
  "You're not fuckin' crippled, why don't you go do it!?" Tina says walking into the kitchen.
  
  "Because I'M too busy looking for a fuckin' job all the time that's why!" you say and then shove your tongue in her mouth.
  "EWWWWWW! Your breath stinks like rotten milk! At least brush your teeth before doing that! God you're a fucking dick!"
  "Oh you know you like it!" you say grabbing her ass. Tina leaves your hand there, but it doesn't stop her from yelling at you some more.
  
  "You better be getting a job today! I'm sick of being the only one who works in this trailer, while YOU stay up all night and sleep all damn day!"
  "Since when is shaking your tits and ass while strangers throw money at you work?"
  "Fuck you! MY stripping pays the bills! You better start pulling your weight around here, I'm serious!"
  "Yeah, yeah." you say.
  
  > Go get a job
  You have no desire to go get a job, but you decide you'd better make the effort. Tina suggests that you could go to Billy Ray's Burgers since he's always hiring, but you're loathed to work in that shithole.
  
  Maybe you should try the Big Jim's Repair Shop, though you don't really want to work for that miserable bastard either.
  
  Your cousin Clem always said you could help him with his Pig Farm, but you're not sure if you want to put up with his wife. You already have to deal with one bitch at home, you don't feel like dealing with one at work too.
  
  Speaking of which, Tina also suggests that they need a new bouncer at her strip club, Kitty City. Wow, working with your girlfriend, joy joy joy...
  
  Of course there's always odd jobs you could do around the trailer park and pick up metal scraps to sell to the junkyard, the problem there is trying to make enough money doing it to appease Tina.
  
  > go to Billy Ray's
  You head to that shithole of a place called Billy Ray's Burgers. The place stinks like a combination of rotting old road kill that's been sitting in the sun for two days and bad flowery air freshener that is failing miserably to cover the previously mentioned smell. The place should've been closed down years ago, but people can't seem to get enough of rat meat. You enter and head for the counter.
  
  "Hey zit face, where the fuck's that fat ass Billy Ray?" you shout at some teen working at the register.
  "Erm I dunno dude." he says nervously.
  "You're fucking more useless than tits on a bull boy! Are you what passes as management material?"
  "Mel what the fuck do you want? Stop harassing my employees." Billy Ray says coming in. Billy Ray looks like a walking slab of lard that makes up the majority of his own burgers. You have no idea why people want to work for this fat ass so bad, let alone how he even gets jailbait to fawn all over him. Perhaps he has some mutant ability to control people's minds.
  
  "Gimme a fuckin' job in this shithole!" you say.
  "Heh heh! Tina's on your non-working ass again eh? Well you're in luck, I got some positions available, but first you have to fill out these forms. Billy Ray gives you a shitload of paper work to fill out.
  
  "What?! You fuckin' know me! Why the hell do I have to waste my time filling out stupid ass forms?"
  "Rules are rules, Mel." Billy Ray says.
  
  > fill out the forms
  You quickly go through the forms. Yeah right like you're going to admit to being convicted of a felony! College? Is he fucking kidding? Two thirds of the fucktards who live in this town are illiterate! What the fuck is a PhD? And if you had one, why the fuck would you be working here? No drinking on the job? What the hell, Billy Ray is usually half plastered himself by noon! You don't even bother to fill them out entirely Billy Ray should know all this shit; he's known you long enough! You got into his office and throw the forms back at Billy.
  
  "Alright I filled out yer fuckin' forms, NOW what's my job in this shithole?"
  "Well normally you'd be working at the register, but with your asshole attitude, you just ain't gonna cut it. In fact I better keep you away from the customers altogether. You can either be a cook or a janitor."
  
  > Burger Flipper
  "Fine, I'll flip your goddamn rat burgers then!" you say and head to the kitchen.
  
  You put some meat substitute on the grill, not even bothering to remove the hair, and begin to flip them. You're actually pretty calm for a total of 2 whole minutes before two of your co-workers start getting on your nerves.
  
  "So I said to Jed, I don't care if you got a car, I'm still not sure if I want you to do that to me."
  "Did he try that with you too? When we were going out, he always wanted me to do that, so I eventually let him."
  "Really what happened?"
  
  "She fucking squealed like a goddamn pig when he fucked her in the ass!" you shout rudely. "Jesus fuckin' Christ, will you two little bitches shut the fuck up? This burger flipping is pointless enough without having to listen to you two split tails yammer on about your anal sexcapades!"
  
  One of the future welfare mothers of America is very hurt by your remark and runs off crying, the other gets very mad at you.
  
  "Who the hell do you think you are? I'll get my boyfriend Jed on you! I'm telling Billy!"
  
  You ignore her threats, and start spitting in the burgers as a sign of your contempt, soon Billy comes out of his office very mad. "Peggy Sue here tells me you sexually harassed her."
  "What the fuck? I didn't do shit! I just called her and her friend annoying bitches!"
  "That's sexual harassment; you were creating a hostile work environment! You're fired dickhead!"
  
  > kick his ass
  "Oh fuck you Billy! You're the one getting your half incher sucked by sixteen year old bitches on a regular basis and you call me a fuckin' perv? And you can take this fucking job and shove it up your fat fucking ass! This fucking hairnet's fucking up my mullet anyway!" you shout and throw it in his face and then kick him in the balls. (At least you think you do, considering all his blobby flesh its hard to tell, but it seems to have the desired effect.) And punch him in the face.
  As he falls to the ground in pain, his mounds of flesh seem to jiggle in a slow motion type way, some of "him" hits the grill and you can smell the cooking of flesh. Mmm smells like bacon!
  While Billy screams in pain from his third degree burns, you grab Peggy Sue's tits.
  "How's THIS for sexual harassment?" you say and she screams and goes running off. You then go into Billy's office and take the bottle of liquor that he keeps in his desk as worker compensation. Finally, you then take the opportunity to piss on the floor, which clears everyone out of the building pretty fast.
  
  You get home and watch wrestling, drinking the whole time. Soon Tina comes home and looks at you in dismay, but too tired to argue.
  
  "Let me guess, you got fired already for being a complete dick to everyone." She says.
  "You know me so well, and that's why I love you baby." You say taking another drink.