text: "I guess I can be one of the Happy Duck characters," you tell your uncle.
  
  "Great," He says, "Let me take you to the costume closet and see what's there."
  
  You follow your uncle as he leads you past the food stands and the picnic area and into a gift shop. He smiles and waves at the young woman working the register and you follow him into a back room which reads "EMPLOYEES ONLY".
  
  The back room is actually an expansive room full of computers, monitors, and desks. He leads you to into a much smaller room through a door on the far wall. In the room is a bench and a few abnormally large lockers that are wide open. There are only two costumes there, a fish and a dog.
  
  "You're Frank or Dastardly," Your uncle slaps you on the back; "Take your pick and put it on. See you out there, Ricky."
  
  Your uncle leaves you in there while you consider the options before you. The fish is grey with a few shiny silver scales. You conjure memories of Happy Duck's best friend; Frank the Fish.
  
  At least in the mask no one will have to see how hideously ugly I am, you think to yourself.
  
  Happy duck once rescued Frank the Fish from the clutches of a fisherman's hook. Ever since then he has been a close companion to Happy Duck. They stick with each other through thick and thin. Frank has been rescued from the hooks a few times since then by Happy Duck, he just can't resist worms on a hook; and Happy has been rescued by Frank from the jaws of Dastardly Dog. No one's ever been sure about what kind of fish Frank is, but everyone agrees that there are no friends as tried and true as Happy Duck and Frank the Fish.
  
  Dastardly Dog on the other hand... You look into the locker where the brown furry costume hangs and remember Dastardly Dog. He was always an enemy to Happy, always chasing the duck and howling for the man with the gun when Happy tried to fly away. Dastardly one launched a malicious plan to hide beneath the surface of the water in the guise of a lily pad, but was thwarted by Frank the Fish before his master plan could be executed. All in all, he was a very mean dog. Dastard the bastard, your father used to call him and then laugh hysterically before drinking more beer. Your teachers at school didn't think it was so funny when you repeated it.
  
  You pull yourself from your revelry and try to come to a decision. The fish or the dog? Friend or foe? Frank or Dastardly? Which one?
  
  > Dastardly Dog
  While the public has always liked the fish more, the dog always had more fun. Being evil is like that, you muse as you step in to the silk lined furry brown dog suit. You can do whatever you want without having to care about what other people think.
  
  You slide your hands into the sleeves and pick up the enormous Dastardly Dog head. He couldn't have been this big in the cartoon, you think. "This is ridiculous," you say aloud.
  
  You stare at the features of Dastardly Dogs' face; the long rounded snout, the big stupid eyes wit the big angry glare, and the bared pointed teeth.
  
  You shake your head and put the dog head atop your own. The first thing you notice is the odor. It smells like a thousand sweaty heads have used this exact mask before. Breath and sweat have soaked into the fabric of the suit and rule it alone.
  
  Hanging your head in sorrow, you walk out of the costume closet and through the big office to the door on the far end that leads you into the souvenir shop.
  
  When you through the gift shop, the young woman at the counter stops you. "Dastardly," She says; "Your zipper is down."
  
  You immediately look down, expecting your cock to be dangling in the air and flopping around like a wind sock, but she comes around behind you and zips up your costume.
  
  "Oh," You say; "Thank you."
  
  "Sure thing," She says. "If you need to go to the bathroom you have to get that unzipped. Except for this one girl who said she was a contortionist."
  
  "Uh-huh," You say. You're not really sure what to say to her as you're not exactly used to female attention. To say that you are uncomfortable would be a major understatement.
  
  She looks at you uncomfortably after a period of silence and smiles nervously. "OK... Good luck out there."
  
  "Thanks," You wave a hand, realizing how ridiculous it must look only after you begin. You turn around and walk out of the gift shop, hoping somehow that she assumed you were attractive beneath the costume.
  
  On your way out, you bump your massive costume head on a pole and curse the narrow line of vision you have through the cartoon eye slits. You walk into the street to find some kindergarten age children laughing at your clumsiness.
  
  What would Double D do at a time like this? Then you realize exactly what he would do, and do it. You shake your head and growl and chase the kids. The children scream in terror at your approach, and hide behind their parents. The parents laugh and smile and wave to you. The father pats you on the shoulder and tells you that you are a great Dastardly Dog. One of the kids looks up from tear rimmed eyes and throws up his middle finger at you as everyone else turns their back to you. You fake like you're going to chase him and he screams a little and hides behind his mother's leg again.
  
  Being evil is cool, You decide as you walk on in search of more victims. You find and terrify several more groups of children in the next hour until you feel a tap on your shoulder. When you turn around three bikers dressed all in leather are standing behind you.
  
  "Dastardly Dog," The lead biker says from beneath his shaggy full beard. "You've been my idol since I was a boy. And I swore to God that when I got down here I would buy you a beer."
  
  He is a big man, over six feet with a barrel of a chest and a gut to match. Behind him are a skinny man with a black mohawk and a lazy eye; and a tough looking bald guy with long drooping mustache and thick sideburns.
  
  "Come with us to the Beer Gardens and we'll each buy a round." The leader says to you.
  
  You know you should turn them down, but worry what will happen if you don't go with them.
  
  > join them. They seem like the type of people that Dastardly Dog should be hanging out with.
  "Free beer?" You ask. "Count me in."
  
  "Damn right," the barrel chested biker says, patting you happily on the back. His biker companions grin sick and evil grins of delight. "My name is Scab" He shakes your furry paw enthusiastically. He points to his buddies and introduces them. "The guy with the Mohawk is called Lizard, and the other guy there is known as Cannibal."
  
  "Pleased to meet you," You reply; "I'm Dastardly Dog, arch nemesis of Happy Duck."
  
  They laugh at this and the four of you make your way through the park over to the beer gardens. You sit down at a cheap plastic table with Lizard and Cannibal, while Scab orders a round of beers.
  
  "You'll probably want to take you stupid Dog face off so's you can drink." Cannibal tells you.
  
  You pull the Dastardly face from your head and set it down on the ground beside your seat. Scab returns with four beers and sets one down before each of you.
  
  "What'd you get?" Cannibal asks.
  
  "Heineken," Scab replies. "Beers of the world, Holland's finest." He says.
  
  You take a couple of large gulps and wipe the foam from your upper lip.
  
  "So let me ask you something Dastardly," Scab says, "Happy Ducks girlfriend, Haley... What was her mother's name?"
  
  "Grey Goose," You reply without hesitation. You've watched the cartoons hundreds of times and know just about everything about them.
  
  "She was named after the vodka, wasn't she?" Cannibal asks.
  
  "I don't know," You respond honestly. "That would make sense, though."
  
  "I think she was," Cannibal says.
  
  "I still don't think they would name a character in a kids cartoon after vodka," Scab argues.
  
  "Where the hell else would they get a name like that from?" Cannibal asks.
  
  "I don't know, the goose was grey in color, it was probably just the logical option." Scab rebuts.
  
  "I don't see how it matters," You tell them; "Dastardly Dog killed the bitch in a vengeful fury that was aimed to emotionally attack Happy Duck."
  
  The bikers stop their arguing and stare at you in a long and uncomfortable silence. You begin to grow nervous when they burst into laughter.
  
  You continue to drink with them and when the Heineken runs out, Cannibal gets up and returns with St. Pauli Girl's for everyone. "It's German," He tells you, "They're arguably the masters of brewery."
  
  It goes down smooth and your head feels pretty buzzed when Lizard returns with another round of beers, setting one before each of you.
  
  "What kind is this?" You ask.
  
  "Beck's," Cannibal answers for him. "He always gets Beck's. It's another German brew."
  
  Lizard nods his head and smiles.
  
  "You don't talk a lot, do you?" You ask Lizard.
  
  The skinny biker shakes his head no and sticks out a stub of a tongue at you.
  
  "It was bit off by a Vietnamese prostitute back in 95," Scab explains.
  
  The four of you drink your beers and make crude jokes in regards to Ducky Park, Happy Duck cartoons, and life in general. Scab buys a fourth round of beers and by the time you are finished you are loud and belligerently drunk.
  
  "Ah man," Cannibal says at one point. "You should tell everyone you're naked under the costume!" All of you laugh at the prospect. Then Scab interjects his own opinion.
  
  "Fuck that, you should be naked under that costume. That'd be some shit!" More laughter from everyone.
  
  You decide that while it would be next to impossible to undress from within the confines of the costume, it would be seriously humorous if everyone thought you were naked beneath Dastardly Dog's costume.
  
  You stumble to your feet and thank them for the company, but you have a job to do. You nearly fall on your face after you trip over the dog head on the ground.
  
  You pick up Dastardly Dogs head and stumble through the park in a drunken stupor. A crowd of children surrounds you and you scream at them, more chaotic and angry than you intended.
  
  "Get the fuck away from me," You slur; "Don't you see?! I'm naked beneath this costume!!"
  
  The kids run away in terror while you laugh maniacally in their wake.
  
  A security guard stands before you not long after this incident. "I'm going to have to ask you to go to the locker room and remove the costume. You are no longer employed here at Ducky Park," He says.
  
  "You can't fire me," You say, leaning in close and nearly falling upon him; "I'm Dastardly Dog! The star of the show. Without me Happy Duck is just a happy fucking duck!! No one wants to watch a stupid fucking duck all day!"
  
  "Sir," The security guard interjects; "I need you to leave."
  
  "Do you know who I am?!" You shoot back. "Do you know who I am?! I'm Dastardly fucking Dog! You're just a fucking security guard! Get away from me."
  
  The guard holds up a narrow can of something and sprays it into the eyeholes of your mask. At first your vision just goes a little blurry, but they soon begin burn.
  
  You drop to the ground and flail uncontrollably as the burning sensation amplifies. You cry out in pain and rip the mask from your face, the cold air is refreshing, but does little to ease the pain.
  
  Somehow you remove the costume and crawl aimlessly around. The security guard lifts you up by an arm while someone else lifts you by the other. Together, they drag you out of Ducky Park and dump you onto the sidewalk.
  
  After lying in a heap, you eventually rise to your feet and make your way home. Hours later you reach your front door where your father waits for you.
  
  "I got a call from Uncle Jim," He says to you even before you step into the house. "He says you were drinking on the job."
  
  "I-" You begin to explain.
  
  "Don't give me no lip, boy," He says, bringing his belt down upon you like a whip. He pelts you with a furious assault of leather and utter pain. Eventually he loses the energy and leaves you crying on the living room floor.
  
  Ducky Park is responsible for this, you reason; I will have my revenge.