text: While the public has always liked the fish more, the dog always had more fun. Being evil is like that, you muse as you step in to the silk lined furry brown dog suit. You can do whatever you want without having to care about what other people think.
  
  You slide your hands into the sleeves and pick up the enormous Dastardly Dog head. He couldn't have been this big in the cartoon, you think. "This is ridiculous," you say aloud.
  
  You stare at the features of Dastardly Dogs' face; the long rounded snout, the big stupid eyes wit the big angry glare, and the bared pointed teeth.
  
  You shake your head and put the dog head atop your own. The first thing you notice is the odor. It smells like a thousand sweaty heads have used this exact mask before. Breath and sweat have soaked into the fabric of the suit and rule it alone.
  
  Hanging your head in sorrow, you walk out of the costume closet and through the big office to the door on the far end that leads you into the souvenir shop.
  
  When you through the gift shop, the young woman at the counter stops you. "Dastardly," She says; "Your zipper is down."
  
  You immediately look down, expecting your cock to be dangling in the air and flopping around like a wind sock, but she comes around behind you and zips up your costume.
  
  "Oh," You say; "Thank you."
  
  "Sure thing," She says. "If you need to go to the bathroom you have to get that unzipped. Except for this one girl who said she was a contortionist."
  
  "Uh-huh," You say. You're not really sure what to say to her as you're not exactly used to female attention. To say that you are uncomfortable would be a major understatement.
  
  She looks at you uncomfortably after a period of silence and smiles nervously. "OK... Good luck out there."
  
  "Thanks," You wave a hand, realizing how ridiculous it must look only after you begin. You turn around and walk out of the gift shop, hoping somehow that she assumed you were attractive beneath the costume.
  
  On your way out, you bump your massive costume head on a pole and curse the narrow line of vision you have through the cartoon eye slits. You walk into the street to find some kindergarten age children laughing at your clumsiness.
  
  What would Double D do at a time like this? Then you realize exactly what he would do, and do it. You shake your head and growl and chase the kids. The children scream in terror at your approach, and hide behind their parents. The parents laugh and smile and wave to you. The father pats you on the shoulder and tells you that you are a great Dastardly Dog. One of the kids looks up from tear rimmed eyes and throws up his middle finger at you as everyone else turns their back to you. You fake like you're going to chase him and he screams a little and hides behind his mother's leg again.
  
  Being evil is cool, You decide as you walk on in search of more victims. You find and terrify several more groups of children in the next hour until you feel a tap on your shoulder. When you turn around three bikers dressed all in leather are standing behind you.
  
  "Dastardly Dog," The lead biker says from beneath his shaggy full beard. "You've been my idol since I was a boy. And I swore to God that when I got down here I would buy you a beer."
  
  He is a big man, over six feet with a barrel of a chest and a gut to match. Behind him are a skinny man with a black mohawk and a lazy eye; and a tough looking bald guy with long drooping mustache and thick sideburns.
  
  "Come with us to the Beer Gardens and we'll each buy a round." The leader says to you.
  
  You know you should turn them down, but worry what will happen if you don't go with them.
  
  > Don't go with them. You are supposed to be walking around and getting your picture taken.
  "No," You tell them, "I really shouldn't. I'm not old enough."
  
  They stare at you in shock for a while before responding. "The real Dastardly Dog wouldn't have turned us down for some beers," The guy says to you.
  
  "Yeah, but this is a costume," You explain; "So I'm not the real Dastardly Dog."
  
  "You're an asshole," He tells you.
  
  "That's what I've heard," You reply.
  
  The bikers laugh at this and walk away. You let out a deep breath that you were unaware you had been holding and walk off in search of kids to frighten.
  
  It doesn't take long before you are back to your dastardly ways, growling and howling at innocent children as they flee from you in terror.
  
  After striking fear into the hearts of the kids you stop to take a break and sit on a bench, resting your feet. As you sit there attempting to relax a small child of about six years walks up to you and stares you down for well over a minute.
  
  "What the heck do you want, kid?" You ask him, malice evident in your tone.
  
  "You're stupid," he tells you. Then he takes two steps towards you and kicks you in the nuts before running off.
  
  You drop to the ground in pain, cradling your pain laden testies and writhing around on the asphalt. Some time later you rise to your feet and storm off in search of the little demon-child.
  
  Children and parents alike attempt to stop you for photo opportunities and general interaction but you brush past them as if they do not exist, so intent are you on your mission.
  
  After nearly an hour of searching you find the little son of a bitch standing in line for the fun house. Your fast paced stride soon turns to an all out run as you charge towards him.
  
  You catch him by surprise, slamming him to the ground. You hear a few bones crush beneath your weight as you land atop the child on the pavement.
  
  A wail of despair and pain spews forth from him as you relentlessly drive your giant puffy fists into his face over and over again. His parents and a few other Ducky Park patrons pull you off of the boy as you try desperately to kick at him.
  
  Thankfully security arrives before anyone can punish you for your recklessness. You catch sight of the blood covered face with the pain filled visage of the small child as they drag you to the gates.
  
  Your father unleashes his own relentless assault on you with a leather belt when you get home.
  
  The kids parents sue Ducky Park, who in turn sues you. Your father works his ass off to pay for the law suit and takes his aggression out on you almost nightly.
  
  Ducky Park is behind all of this, you think. They will pay.
  
  Oh, how they will pay.
  
  If only you could come up with a plan...