text: > look around
  Bear in mind that, meanwhile, I'm using the walk-in closet of our apartment as a "studio."
  
  You've a quite large desk in front of a window, a resplendent yellow chair, a cabinet in one corner, an absurdly large cactus in another, and a tall bookcase on the back wall with an incredibly cute stool.
  The door is west.
  
  On the desk are your computer, my itinerary, a cleverly framed picture and a pile you cannot even contemplate. A miraculously intricate origami trophy sits on top of the cabinet. A wastebasket is on the floor.
  
  You are distracted by Julia saying especially loudly, "You've been working out. I've noticed."
  
  Oh no.
  
  > examine the bookcase
  (first getting off the stool)
  Two weeks ago:
  "Violet. Take this. Do not give it back to me for a month."
  "Is this your car key?"
  "Just the trunk. The boot. I put all the books from my office in there."
  "You said you just needed to read one more book and then you were ready to write."
  "And you pointed out that I've said that several times before. You're right. I've read enough. I just need to get what's in my head onto the computer."
  
  Of course I'm so used to seeing your bookcase full that it's strange now to see it nearly empty.
  
  On the second shelf is a book. On the bottom shelf is a smartly-done snowglobe.
  
  > look behind bookcase
  Nothing. I'm not sure what you were expecting.
  
  > put the key behind it
  The bookcase is bolted firmly to the wall.
  
  Your attention wanders as you start admonishing yourself again for forgetting your bag. Oh, sweateroo. Your gaze upward in self-loathing, whereupon you are suddenly distracted by something odd about the sprinkler in the corner above the cactus.
  
  > look at the sprinkler
  Remember? Last October:
  "Hey, wallaroo, why is there a pen between the sprinkler and the ceiling?"
  "It's been there since I moved in."
  "How could somebody even wedge a pen up in there like that?"
  "It's even more mysterious considering that the previous occupant of this office was a dwarf."
  "Marty! He was hilarious! Remember the prank with the disappearing ink toner cartridge?"
  "That was mostly you, dear. All Marty did was slip it in Julia's printer before her big presentation."
  
  > Examine book
  This is the latest "last book you really must read before you are able to write your dissertation without a nagging feeling that there is one more book you really must read." If you start reading it now, hours will go by, and you won't write your thousand words.
  
  > examine the snowglobe
  It's a glass globe with a plain wooden bottom. Inside is a happy winter scene, with a paunchy, smiling figurine in a white outfit and snow up to his ankles. His hands look like they are covered with chocolate.
  
  (BTW: you know full well that Marty is not a dwarf. He isn't even especially short.*)
  
  > examine sprinkler
  The sprinkler looks pretty ordinary. What's not ordinary is the pen that is wedged at an angle between the nozzle and the ceiling.
  
  You are distracted by Julia squealing, "Wait, it's your birthday, too? Why didn't you tell me earlier?"
  
  > examine the pen
  It's a bright lavender tube, like the brand of gel-ink pen that Marty used to use. There are some scratchings on the side that look like letters, but from here you cannot read what it says.
  
  > Aside
  It's interesting how your mind consistently malforms men who have crushes on me. Colin has three tiny birthmarks on his cheek and you call him "Splotchy Boy."
  
  > move the stool to the sprinkler
  If you want to move the charming stool, possible places are to the DESK (where the chair is), to the DOOR (where the stool is), to the CORNER by the cactus, or to the BOOKCASE.
  
  > move stool to the corner
  The stool is now as close to the corner as it can get, considering that the pot and cactus are in the way. Because the floor here is uneven and the stool is flimsy, it's extremely wobbly. Please do not try to stand on it.
  
  You're looking out the window again. A pirate with a sword attacks a zombie who protects himself with surprising agility for the recently reanimated. Another pirate affixes a mast to the top of the van.
  Still another hunches beside the van sticking a fake wooden leg over his real leg.
  
  > look at the pot
  The pot is big and looks like pewter. We've both been baffled at how heavy it is. I wonder if the business school professor had the cactus specially repotted before he left just to make it more expensive for Madison to dispose of.
  
  > stand on the stool
  I wish you wouldn't, but, you climb on to the stool. You start reaching up to the sprinkler but then you begin to lose your balance and the stool tips over beneath you and you fall, hitting your head on the edge of the pot. You are out cold.
  
  It's sad to think that perhaps our relationship would have been saved if only you'd kept ample office supplies on hand.
  
  > look at the balloon
  It's about 25 centimetres across, milky white rubber decorated with purple ink swirls. A strange furry thing is inside, its three long legs pressing against the sides. At the bottom of the balloon is a bright yellow tab on which I've written "Pull me!"
  
  You are distracted by a startled grunt from Historic Pfister. I do not believe this is happening.
  
  > pull the yellow tab
  You pull the tab and the balloon deflates with a pop and whoosh. You hear me shout "Happy birthday!" and zestily toot a kazoo.
  
  What's left is a white rubber square with a message written on it. You are also holding the three-legged furry thing, which you now realise is an electronic device.
  
  > examine the square
  It's about 10 centimetres square and has a message handwritten in purple on it. One corner is a double piece stitched over so that it is like a tiny pouch.
  
  In the "pouch" is a small chip.
  
  > read it
  You stretch the rubber square so that you can read what I've written:
  
  Happy birthday! I know you wanted a boring ordinary music player, but I got my brother to send the latest piece of consumer electronics GENIUS from the kangaroo corridor.
  
  Behold: the platyPod! Why three headphones? The middle one attaches by suction to your forehead for complete hands-free and display-free control. Not to mention kick-[bother] extra bass. Why is it furry? Don't ask me: Melbourne is in the throes of an epic fake-fur fad I don't understand. But this is going to be a HUGE hit, and not just among the armless blind.
  
  Charge it with your computer. Then SCRUNCH YOUR BROW to turn it on. I've already put some bonus presents on it.
  
  You are my FAVOURITE!
  Violet
  
  > examine the device
  It looks like a set of over-the-head headphones, except there is a third one and it's covered with short, brown fur. There's a little plug that allows it to connect to the USB port of a computer. Tiny letters on the plug say "platyPod."
  
  Julia's stupid perfume again. Remember when she was all excited to meet Lucy's brother after she heard he was a pheromone scientist?
  
  > plug platyPod in the port
  You plug in the platyPod. It will beep when it is fully charged.
  
  > take the chip
  Yours, chunky rabbit.
  
  (The rubber is really strong and stretchy for how thin it is, isn't it? I got it from a company that makes weapons-grade slingshots.)
  
  You're looking out the window again. The zombies and pirates stop and point toward the sky to the west.
  
  > look at the chip
  It's like one of those chips in a musical greeting card, with a tiny plum-coloured "V." painted on it. When you squeeze it you hear me shout "Happy birthday!" and then a cheery kazoo toot.
  
  BEEP-BEEP-BEEP! The platyPod is fully charged. You retrieve it and return to what you were doing.
  
  > put chip in platyPod
  It's just a customised version of one of those chips that are in musical greeting cards. You don't have to worry about trying to find something to put it into.
  
  > squeeze the chip
  You hear me shouting "Happy birthday!" followed by a cheery kazoo toot.
  
  You are distracted by Historic Pfister making noises perhaps best characterised as mewling.
  
  > wear platyPod
  The platyPod fits nicely in your ears and against your forehead. It is switched off.
  
  > turn it on
  There's no switch of any kind of the platyPod. It's completely hands-free! (That is, once it's on your head.)
  
  The rubber square has instructions for how to turn on the platyPod.
  
  > Nod
  Professor Detective explains to Undergraduate Constable Duffy that a murderer who escapes justice will invariably kill again, and the same logic applies to plagiarists.
  
  > Nod
  The Confounder has Professor Detective tied up in his secret hideout next to the cyclotron. The Confounder cackles and taunts, "Let's see if tenure will save you now."
  
  > Nod
  Professor Detective follows a shadowy figure into one of the steam tunnels underneath the engineering building.
  
  > Nod
  Primrose sings about how she has a special purple pen that she uses when she writes about boys. I'm not sure I've ever heard a lead singer whose voice is so inconspicuous.
  
  > jiggle head clockwise
  You move your head in cute little clockwise circles. The volume is now so loud that you cannot hear Julia and Historic Pfister at all.
  
  > check your inventory
  You're carrying a small chip, a rubber square, a bit of lilac thread, a lighter, an empty plastic bottle, a notebook and a shiny little key, and you're wearing the platyPod.
  
  Warren is playing "Someday They'll Go Too Far," which became a hit on local pirate radio stations after being discovered by school authorities and played on the evening news.
  
  > shoot the key at the pen
  Hmm. While I didn't have this in mind when I made it, the rubber square could be used like a slingshot if you put a suitable object in the little pouch.
  
  > put the key in square
  That isn't a container, spicy biscuit. Unless I'm misunderstanding what you are trying to do.
  
  > put the key in the pouch
  As strong and stretchy as the rubber is, you basically have a slingshot now that something is in the pouch. You could SHOOT SOMETHING. If I'm going to patent this, I should think about whether this unanticipated functionality exposes me to any legal risk.
  
  Warren is playing "No Normal Boy Would Write That Song," recorded during a weekend furlough from a private psychiatric facility for troubled adolescent boys.
  
  > shoot the pen
  The key isn't going to work. It gets half-stuck coming out of the pouch and then just flutters to the floor.
  
  > take pen
  You can't reach it. The sprinkler is more than three metres off the floor.
  
  > take the key
  Yours, banana squizzle.
  
  You have got to get over Julia's perfume. I am being indulgent with you here.
  
  > put the chip in the pouch
  You put the small chip into the rubber square's "pouch".
  
  > shoot the pen
  The chip isn't really a good shape for this. It flies in a odd arc and misses several feet to the right.
  
  > take the chip
  Yours, toaster strudel.
  
  You're looking out the window again. The zombies and pirates have regained their composure and are lurching and marauding (respectively) toward the landed aircraft. The hatch at the bottom opens with strange green smoke billowing out.
  
  > put the lighter in pouch
  The lighter is a bit too long to fit in the pouch.
  
  > examine bottle
  The only part of the label in English says "Divine Soda Mega Energy." The bottle is empty.
  
  You look up at the ceiling. "Colin wouldn't have forgotten his bag." you say ruefully. "Colin would never be without a pen." Please, mintchip. This is not a helpful line of thinking.
  
  > look at the cactus
  Supposedly the cactus belonged to a business school professor who left Madison for another university in a snit. An accidental transposition of numbers on a form caused it to be moved in here instead of University Botanical Disposal, and your department won't pay to move it again so it's been here for years.
  
  Obtrusive, sure, but at least it hides that ugly pipe leading up to the sprinkler on your wall. Plus plants are cheery. I'm glad the pot is too heavy for you to be able to move it yourself.
  
  > examine the pipe
  The garish chrome pipe was obviously added sometime after the building was built, in response to some amendment to the fire code. It is flush against the wall and runs all the way up to a sprinkler that is only a few inches from the ceiling.