text: [Themes: Humor, Crime, humor, slice of life, ice cream, Guns, money, animals, restaurant setting, crime, gender-neutral protagonist, male protagonist, culinary theme]
  
  Are you sure you want to quit? 
  
  Start the story - from the beginning    : (SPACE)
  - from a saved position : R
  Quit                                    : Q
  You shouldn't be sitting in the driver's seat. You should be getting out on the passenger side, and there should be someone else sitting at the wheel, key in the ignition, keeping an eye out.
  
  And that's probably how this would be going down, if you had any friends left.
  
  Yes. Take a minute to reflect on the choices you've made.
  
  [Author's Note: A story about crime.]
  
  > Wait
  No. Don't do that. You need to be prepared mentally. You need to be one hundred percent involved in what you are about to do. You and yourself are all you need to come out of this smelling like a rose.
  
  You, yourself, and maybe that sweet little slab of steel in your pocket, that two-and-a-half-pound insurance policy, that cold, hard...
  
  > Inventory
  Do not waste time being poetic about your gun. Get out of the car.
  
  > look at the gun
  No. Hold on a second. Don't rush into this.
  
  > go east
  Wait, no. Sit still and figure out when and how you should get out of the car. You have all the time you need.
  
  > open the door
  Well, do something.
  
  > About you
  Not so hot, lately.
  
  > Inventory
  You are carrying:
  $5.87, mostly in change
  your keychain
  a gun
  
  > look at the gun
  Small enough to be carried inconspicuously in your pocket, but big enough to scare anybody it's pointed at, this is a kind of gun with a specific name--a brand name, like cars have. It also has a "caliber," which is a number that refers to what kind of bullets you can put in it, but you can't remember that either.
  
  The important details are easy enough: You point it like this, you put your index finger in here, and when you squeeze the trigger it goes boom, assuming the gun is loaded. One other important thing to keep in mind is that the gun is not loaded.
  
  > look at keychain
  A tiny, lonely trio: This one is the key to your car; this one is the key to your apartment, and this one used to be the key to someone else's apartment, before that someone changed the locks.
  
  > look under the seat
  Hey, a quarter!
  
  [Your funds have increased by 25¢.]
  
  > open the glove compartment
  Oh, hey! A bag of M&M's!
  
  > look at the backseat
  Craning your head, you see a pair of sunglasses and an umbrella.
  
  > get the sunglasses
  Taken.
  
  > wear the sunglasses
  You put on the pair of sunglasses.
  
  > get all
  umbrella: Taken.
  
  > examine the umbrella
  Even though it's got a classy-looking hooked handle and a brass point at the other end, this umbrella is a piece of junk. The spring fell out or something, and it doesn't open anymore, and it really belongs in the trash, but you paid too much for it to just throw it away now.
  
  > examine cans
  Contemplating the cans gives you another idea for solving your monetary woes. What's twelve hundred dollars divided by five cents?
  
  Or should that be times five cents?
  
  > About you
  Not so hot, lately.
  
  > wear the sunglasses
  You're already wearing that.
  
  > Xyzzy
  Hi, ClubFloyd!
  
  Sorry I couldn't be here to play with you guys today. I just found out that today, right now, is when my church is putting up decorations for Christmas, and this I cannot miss out on!
  
  I hope you are enjoying Taco Fiction and I look forward to reading the transcript whenever it goes up.
  
  Love,
  Ryan V
  
  > Plugh
  never once in my life have i heard of someone trying "plugh" outside of a clubfloyd transcript
  
  > Go outside
  La Pizzá Parking Lot
  As you exit the car, the humidity slaps you in the face.
  
  This parking lot is reserved solely for La Pizzá customers, as the sign over there clearly states. La Pizzá is across the street west of here, but of course by this time of night it's locked up tight. Paco's Tacos, on the other hand, is open late, and it's a hole in the ground with zero security.
  
  A low-slung iron chain separates this section of the lot from the one reserved for patrons of Paco's, which is further east.
  
  Your piece of junk Ford Focus is parked here.
  
  > open the trunk
  Oh, no. The only thing in there is a baby stroller. Someone else's baby stroller. It's a long story.
  
  You've been meaning to give it back.
  
  > examine the car
  1998. Blue. Sometimes you wish someone would steal it.
  
  > examine the chain
  A single chain is attached to two metal posts, splitting the parking lot in half. Around the middle, the chain is only a few inches off the ground, and people probably trip on it all the time.
  
  > go east
  The single streetlight shared by the two parking lots casts most of its light on the La Pizza side, so while you can barely see your own feet, your car back on the west side is cast in a harsh orange glow. Paco's is on the other side of the alley east of here.
  
  This side of the lot has its own informative sign.
  
  A bleary-eyed guy unfamiliar to you is walking this way from across the alley. Well, he's trying to walk, anyway.
  
  > look at the sign
  VIOLATOR'S WILL BE TOWED AT OWNERS EXPENSE.
  
  > talk to the guy
  The guy grins as you approach and spreads his arms wide, blocking your way. "Hey, friend! What do you need, do you need anything?"
  
  [1] "Were you just at Paco's Tacos?"
  [2] "Lovely weather we're having."
  [3] "So, what's your name?"
  [4] "Spare some change?"
  [5] Point your gun at him.
  
  > 4
  "Spare some change?"
  
  "Sure thing, friend. Sure thing." He pushes a few coins into your palm. "Just, get off my back about money, okay?"
  
  [Your funds have increased by 80¢.]
  
  [1] "Were you just at Paco's Tacos?"
  [2] "Lovely weather we're having."
  [3] "So, what's your name?"
  [4] "Well, goodbye."
  [5] Point your gun at him.
  
  > 5
  With the poise of a cowboy, you pull the piece from your pocket and put it where your friend can see it. No point worrying about what to say: no words are necessary.
  
  Upon realizing what it is he's staring down the barrel of, the young man begins shrieking hoarsely and fumbling around in his pockets. As soon as he's figured out where his wallet is, he throws it at your feet. And now he's off like a feral cat, down the street and out of sight.
  
  There's something shaking inside your head.
  
  > examine the wallet
  It's shaking up and down so fast there must be someone operating a jackhammer in there, and deep in your throat you detect that you're about to be sick. You can control yourself, though; you push it down, for as long as you can hold your breath, which presently you realize you've been holding all this time, since just before you reached in your pocket, and so instead of vomiting you stand there and heave hot air, in and out, until you feel steady again. Apparently this is what it feels like, mugging somebody.
  
  > examine the wallet
  Heck, there's only three bucks in here. Wait, no, three bucks and a quarter. Not even so much a fake ID. Well, it's your three bucks and a quarter now.
  
  [Your funds have increased by $3.25.]
  
  That wasn't so bad, though! Nobody got hurt, and by tomorrow morning he probably won't even remember. If anything, he'll have learned a valuable lesson about walking home alone. Anyway, he probably won't--he definitely won't, there's no way he would, he absolutely will not report anything to the police. That won't happen.
  
  Besides, it's not technically armed robbery if the gun's not loaded, right?
  
  > check what you're carrying
  You are carrying:
  an umbrella
  a pair of sunglasses (being worn)
  an bag of M&M's
  $10.17, mostly in change
  your keychain
  a gun
  
  > Go east
  The bricks in this alley are so old that at the middle of the road they have sunk a full foot below the level of their neighbors closer to the building walls. Walking across this uneven half-pipe of bricks is an unnerving and probably dangerous experience.
  
  The alley continues north, past a staple-encrusted utility pole, until the beams of the streetlamps don't quite reach; west is the parking lot and east is Paco's Taco's.
  
  Taped to the utility pole is a crumpled piece of paper, fluttering in the breeze.
  
  > examine paper
  In capital letters courtesy of 24-point Times New Roman, this note explains that parking blah blah customers only blah owner's expense. It looks like something has been written on the back.
  
  > examine back of the paper
  As your sticky fingers pick up and flip over the paper, your keen eye quickly discerns that there's nothing written on the other side. However, removing the paper has revealed something painted on the utility pole.
  
  > examine the pole
  The thick column of wood is host to a confused network of wires up top and a dense forest of ancient staples closer to eye level. For one reason or another, people have also bolted a couple of metal plates to the pole. One of the metal plates has something red spraypainted on it.
  
  > examine the paint
  Some kind of bird, apparently applied with a stencil and red spraypaint on this metal plate bolted to the pole. The bird has a long neck and a long, curving beak. Is it a stork? Do storks have curvy beaks?
  
  > read the plate
  Apparently, it is sometimes necessary to stick a sheet of steel to the side of a utility pole. On one of the plates there's some kind of bird, apparently applied with a stencil and red spraypaint. The bird has a long neck and a long, curving beak. Is it a stork? Do storks have curvy beaks?
  
  > take the plate
  The plates are bolted on!