text: [Themes: modern]
  
  The instant you say you'll work at the strip club, Tina's eyes light up. She immediately hugs you and starts kissing on you.
  "Oh Mel! We'll be working at the same place! That means we'll be spending more time together! We'll be able to see each other all the time now!"
  
  Tina says this as if it's a good thing; then again she's showering you with a lot of affection, so maybe it is... of course her blowing you in the truck as you were driving there might not have been such a good idea (Although it SEEMED like a good idea at the time!), since you lose fucking control of it at "happy time" and nearly hit a blind child. Fortunately you manage to swerve and merely graze some fat fuck and run over a cat.
  
  When you and Tina arrive at the club, the place isn't very full, but it's still early. Old Motley Crew songs blast throughout the place along with various other great heavy metal hair bands of the 80s, even though the DJ looks like he was born in the ass end of that wonderful era when mullets were praised and not scorned. Just looking at the skinny young punk's shitty Fem & Em dyed blond hair cut makes you sick and all his fucking face piercing leaves you shaking your head wondering about the youth of today. You don't even want to comment about his pants sagging half off his ass.
  
  Speaking of the youth of today, Tina comes back from talking to the owner of the place. She says they actually have two job openings now. Apparently the bartender was fired for jerking off on the job. The crazy fucker started whacking it right then and there. Needless to say that's not someone they wanted handling the drinks.
  
  Well you don't know shit about bartending, but you have been around alcohol all your life! Should certainly qualify you to some degree. The bouncer job is still available of course if you want something less "intellectually" stimulating.
  
  > be a bartender
  The lure of working around all forms of alcohol is too great to resist!
  
  "Shit, I'll be a bartender, how hard can it be? Not like anyone is gonna drink any fancy girlie drinks that need to be mixed with fruit an' shit."
  "Hmmm, well alright, but remember, you're suppose to be serving drinks NOT getting fucking plowed! Try to keep that in mind!" Tina says with a frown and walks off.
  
  You look at the well stocked bar, and grab a beer for starters. Break open the can and drink deeply. AHHH! That hit the spot!
  
  "Hey bartender! Three beers!" you suddenly hear, by some patrons coming up to the bar.
  
  Goddammit some dickheads always have to ruin your fun.
  
  > do your job diligently
  Well, you suppose you can at least make the effort, Tina will just pitch a bitch at you, if you get plastered and you don't feel like hearing it. Nothing stopping you from taking little drinks in-between though.
  
  As the night goes on, the initial beer rush slows a bit since the patrons are more interested in the tits. However there are always those few that insist on drinking at the damn bar rather than drool up front like a normal person. These types always seem to want to talk to the bar tender too. How lucky for you that you have not one, but two of these people trying to talk to you.
  
  No getting away from it, they're demanding alcohol, and they're going to tell you their sorry life story anyway, might as well pick which one. You're already feeling a little buzzed from the beer too by now, so you're in that "professor mode" and feeling a little talkative yourself.
  
  There's the little nervous guy who looks like he wants to talk, but looks scared of you. He watches the strippers in absolute fascination, but keeps making himself look away and turning back to you.
  
  Then there's the big trucker looking type who's drinking a lot more and watching the strippers pretty intently too, you're surprised he isn't up closer, but he looks like he wants to ask you something.
  
  You finish drinking another beer and try to figure out which one is going to annoy you less.
  
  > talk to the nervous guy
  You move over towards the nervous guy wondering what the fuck his problem is.
  
  "Hey buddy, what the fuck is your problem?" you ask.
  "Oh...I...um...I don't know. I just..."
  "Goddammit boy spit it the fuck out!"
  "Well I don't feel like I should be here you know? Like what I'm doing is wrong and unclean."
  "Oh fer fuck's sake, you one of those religious types?"
  "Um, well..."
  "Fuck son! Lookin' at titties is completely natural! Ain't nuthin' sinful about it! Way I figure if'n God didn't want us to love titties he would've made us all fuckin' queers!"
  "You...might be right, but I just have these urges..."
  "Well of course you got fuckin' urges boy! You're a MAN! Start actin' like one!"
  "Um, so you sayin' I should act on these urges that I have?"
  "Dammit, squeegee out yer fuckin' ears jackass! Of course that's what I'm sayin'!"
  "So should I try to get with...um one of the strippers then?"
  
  Shit this pussy asks a lot of fuckin' questions, and just your luck, now he's distracting you from Tina's act that's just started.
  
  > tell him yes
  "(Sigh) Yeah, sure, fine, whatever! Just leave me the fuck alone with your fuckin' questions! And don't fuck with the one that's on stage right now because that's MY girlfriend. I catch you attempting anything with her an' you're gonna be in a world of hurt! Got me?" you say looking in his eye emphasizing the threat.
  "Oh...of course! No, I won't mess with her. Actually there's another one I had my eye on, the one who was dressed like a hooker..." the little guy says seeming lost in thought
  "Boy, you're too fuckin' vague."
  "Nevermind, you've been very helpful." He says and walks out the door very quickly.
  
  You shake your head, at the little freak and go back to watching Tina strip, damn! You fucking missed most of it! You spend the rest of the night tending the bar and drinking. Fuck talking to people, no matter how much they want to.
  
  When its time to leave, you and Tina enter the parking lot and head towards your truck. She's bitching at you for drinking when you weren't supposed to, but that's interrupted by a scream.
  
  "What the fuck?" you say.
  "That sounded like Brandy! She might be in trouble!"
  "She probably just..." you begin to give an excuse not to check it out, but now you hear more screams, this time of help.
  You and Tina rush over to where the screams are coming from, holy shit, its that little freak trying to fulfill his "urges" with Brandy!
  
  "What the shit?" you say, as he immediately turns around whipping out the biggest fucking blade you've ever fuckin' seen and holds it to Brandy's throat.
  "Don't you fuckin' try to stop me! You told me to do this! You said it was okay!"
  "You sick motherfucker, I never told you that! You misunderstood what the fuck I said!" you try to approach him but he backs off with Brandy who's in absolute terror as the knife is held closer to her throat.
  
  "Back off or I'll cut this bitch's throat! I gotta do this! I gotta!"
  
  He's nervous and his hand is shaking, but still firmly in control. Normally you might be quick enough to take the knife out of his hand, but given your alcohol consumption, your reflexes aren't really as sharp as they could be.
  
  Of course as it turns out, you don't need to make that decision, as you suddenly hear a gunshot, causing you to duck instantly. When you look around, you see the rapist lying on the pavement with his brains leaking out of his head. Brandy's still in shock and is just standing still with blood splattered on her. And coming behind you, is Tina holding a smoking gun.
  
  "Well, choke my chicken! Where the hell did you get that?"
  "You, ya dipshit! I keep it in my purse! You gave it to me last year for my birthday! Don't you remember? Of course not, you were drunk at the time. I remember being pissed, since I wanted those earrings, but I guess this is really is the gift that keeps giving." Tina says.
  
  The situation is a pretty cut and dry clear case of self defense (Or close to it) so nobody's charged. Vigilantism has a proud tradition in this town anyway. You however have learned your lesson, next time concentrate more on drinking and less on giving advice.