text: > Go downward
  I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door is open, but a strong draught threatens to blow it shut at any moment. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
  The Big Bad Wolf is here, doing his best to look mean and dangerous.
  
  > ask Wolf about the Beauty
  'Enough talk! There are more important matters at hand - such as lunch! Where are those pigs?'
  
  > Close trapdoor
  I close the trapdoor.
  
  > examine the trophies
  On one of the walls there are several animal heads mounted on wooden plaques. It's hard to tell given the appalling quality of the taxidermy job, but I'd swear that some of these heads were once human. No cuddly teddy bears, these three!
  
  > look at the portraits
  One wall is dominated by a rather amateurish painting of the Three Bears signed by Mama Bear herself. I can't see her winning the Turner Prize anytime soon! The rest are portraits of more distant members of the bear clan, including Grampa Bear and Grandma Bear. I guess even the three bears have forbears!
  
  That's odd; for some reason Papa Bear is only wearing one sock.
  
  > Go outside
  'Well,' says the wolf, 'it was nice talking to you, but I really must be off. Those piggies won't get eaten all by themselves.'
  
  I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door is closed. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest.
  A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch.
  
  door shut behind me!
  
  > go west
  I'm in a little garden alongside the cottage. There's a vegetable plot in a sunny spot by the wall and on the other side of the garden a somewhat neglected ornamental pond. There's obviously been some attempt at landscaping but the effect is less Capability Brown and more incapable bruin. A ramshackle potting shed completes the image of horticultural incompetence. To the north, an overgrown pergola leads into a meadow. A gigantic beanstalk rises out of the vegetable plot and stops abruptly just above the level of the roof.
  
  > Climb beanstalk
  If Jack can do it, so can Goldilocks!
  At the top of the beanstalk
  I'm at the top of the beanstalk. I was under the impression that these giant beanstalks all had castles at the top of them, but not this scrawny specimen. However I can almost touch the roof of the cottage from here.
  
  > go to the west
  I'm lost in the forest, surrounded on all sides by dense foliage. I knew it was a bad idea to stray from the path! I can go in any direction, but I haven't a clue which is the right one!
  
  > examine the trees
  There's an arrow carved into the bark of one particular tree! It's pointing to the west!
  
  > go west
  A large wooden sign informs me that I'm in the Enchanted Forest. What it doesn't tell me is how the hell I get out! Everywhere I look there are trees, trees, trees. This place definately has a 'tree' theme going. A clearly marked path leads south and west, whilst in every other direction are, well, trees.
  
  > go north
  I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door is closed. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest.
  A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch.
  
  > Go north
  I'm in a small meadow at the back of the cottage, separated from the forest by a rickety fence. In the middle of the meadow is what appears to be a homemade wind turbine! To the south, through the tangled pergola, is the garden.
  
  > climb the fence
  No thanks, I'd only get lost in the forest.
  
  > examine the turbine
  It appears to be a 5 KW battery-charging turbine made from wood, old tractor parts and a washing machine motor, probably connected to the cottage by an underground cable. See - I'm not just a pretty face! (Though you have to admit, I am pretty.) The sails are not currently moving since the air is completely still.
  
  There is what appears to be an oil can sitting on a platform near the top of the turbine.
  
  > look at what you're carrying with you
  I am carrying:
  a cue ball
  a rather thin blanket
  a bearskin rug (being worn)
  an antimacassar
  a packet of frozen pork chops
  a mousetrap (which is open)
  a dead mouse
  a wedge of cheese
  a matchbox
  a spoon
  a gigantic bowl of just-right porridge
  a crumpled note
  a small packet (which is open but empty)
  a pair of gardening gloves
  a trowel
  some sticks of dynamite
  a ratty old paintbrush
  a pair of secateurs
  an overripe pumpkin
  a broken bottle
  a wristwatch (being worn)
  a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
  
  > throw cue ball at the oil can
  I hurl the cue ball at the can of oil in the hope of knocking it off the platform, but I've never been much good at that sort of thing. the cue ball misses the oil can completely and lands a short distance away.
  
  > eat the porridge
  Mmmmm! That porridge tasted JUST RIGHT! I feel thoroughly invigourated; in fact I could toss a few cabers myself if you know what I mean. Wait, that sounded really dodgy. Forget I said it.
  
  > take the cue ball
  Yeah, sure, whatever - I'll just tuck it under my chin or something. Taken.
  
  > wear the gloves
  I put on the gloves, but they're much too big for me and feel just a little loose!
  
  > examine the pond
  The Three Bears' attempt at a 'water feature' is rather small and choked with pond weed. I think I see something small and green moving below the surface!
  
  > ask the pond about the pond
  I can only do that to something animate.
  
  > take Ball
  I already have that.
  
  Damn! The gloves just dropped off my hands! Yes, both of them, at the same time! What are the chances of that?
  
  > take the gloves
  This could be the pair of gardening gloves that broke Goldilocks' back, you know! Taken.
  
  > Inventory
  I am carrying:
  a pair of gardening gloves
  a cue ball
  a rather thin blanket
  a bearskin rug (being worn)
  an antimacassar
  a packet of frozen pork chops
  a mousetrap (which is open)
  a dead mouse
  a wedge of cheese
  a matchbox
  a spoon
  a gigantic bowl
  a crumpled note
  a small packet (which is open but empty)
  a trowel
  some sticks of dynamite
  a ratty old paintbrush
  a pair of secateurs
  an overripe pumpkin
  a broken bottle
  a wristwatch (being worn)
  a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
  
  > Light dynamite
  Wowee! Who'd have thought some sticks of dynamite would burn so well! Uh-oh; the flames are spreading like wildfire - I burned down the cottage, the entire forest and everything in it, including me. That'll teach me to play with matches!!
  Oh, bollocks. I'm dead!
  I have so far scored 21 out of a possible 100, in 281 turns.
  
  Would I like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, give the FULL score for that game or QUIT?
  
  > get hair
  That's fixed in place.
  
  > Light hair
  Wowee! Who'd have thought my dreadlocks would burn so well! Uh-oh; the flames are spreading like wildfire - I burned down the cottage, the entire forest and everything in it, including me. That'll teach me to play with matches!!
  Oh, bollocks. I'm dead!
  I have so far scored 21 out of a possible 100, in 284 turns.
  
  Would I like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, give the FULL score for that game or QUIT?
  
  > Light paintbrush
  Wowee! Who'd have thought the ratty old paintbrush would burn so well! Uh-oh; the flames are spreading like wildfire - I burned down the cottage, the entire forest and everything in it, including me. That'll teach me to play with matches!!
  Oh, bollocks. I'm dead!
  I have so far scored 21 out of a possible 100, in 285 turns.
  
  Would I like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, give the FULL score for that game or QUIT?
  
  > look at trowel
  It's a thingy for digging little holes in the garden.
  
  > examine the pergola
  Through the pergola to the south is the garden.
  
  > throw Ball in the pond
  Right idea, I think - just wrong kind of ball.
  
  > enter the shed
  I'm in the potting shed, a ramshackle structure that was obviously cobbled together in five minutes some idle Sunday afternoon. I didn't know bears had green fingers. In fact I didn't know they had fingers at all. Plant pots of all sizes are scattered about the shed untidily and the whole place is festooned with cobwebs.
  In the corner is an old metal trunk marked 'FISHING TACKLE.'
  
  > examine the cobwebs
  They're absolutely everywhere. It doesn't look as though this place gets a lot of use.
  
  > examine Ball
  Shiny, round and white.
  
  > Inventory
  I am carrying:
  a pair of gardening gloves
  a cue ball
  a rather thin blanket
  a bearskin rug (being worn)
  an antimacassar
  a packet of frozen pork chops
  a mousetrap (which is open)
  a dead mouse
  a wedge of cheese
  a matchbox
  a spoon
  a gigantic bowl
  a crumpled note
  a small packet (which is open but empty)
  a trowel
  some sticks of dynamite
  a ratty old paintbrush
  a pair of secateurs
  an overripe pumpkin
  a broken bottle
  a wristwatch (being worn)
  a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
  
  > examine the blanket
  It's threadbare and patched in several places, but otherwise quite uninteresting.
  
  > cut the blanket
  (with the pair of secateurs)
  Cutting that up would achieve little.
  
  > examine the porch
  A little thatched porch over the front door. It would be quite pretty except that someone has seen fit to paint it gold. Whoever it was has obviously seen one too many episodes of "Changing Rooms."
  
  > open door
  Unfortunately the door locked automatically when it blew shut.
  
  > enter the chimney
  Okay here goes... Wheee! I slid right down the chimney and out of the fireplace! That was fun. Can I do it again?
  In the kitchen
  I am in the bears' tiny kitchen, a cosy little room that could have come straight from the pages of Country Living. It's big on original features and totally lacking in "mod cons." A large dining table sits in the centre of the room and there is a dresser against the wall. Opposite the dresser is an enormous brick fireplace that seems to fill half the room.
  The Big Bad Wolf is here, doing his best to look mean and dangerous.
  
  On the dining table are a large bowl (which is empty), a medium-sized bowl (which is empty) and a tiny little bowl of just-right porridge. 'Here, piggy piggy piggy!' says the wolf, wandering off to the north.
  
  > look at the fireplace
  Must be where Mama bear cooks all her porridge. I don't know why she doesn't just get herself a microwave. The hearth is cold and full of ash. Something glints among the embers...
  The Big Bad Wolf prowls into the room from the north.
  
  > search the ash
  I fish around in the embers until I find an old brass key. What a ridiculous place to keep it! I pick it up in case it comes in useful. The Big Bad Wolf strolls out of the room to the east.
  
  > examine table
  It looks rather rustic, which is to say that it looks like a bunch of logs crudely nailed together.
  
  > Go east
  I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door is closed. Just inside the front door is a closed trapdoor.
  The Big Bad Wolf is here, doing his best to look mean and dangerous. The Big Bad Wolf strolls out of the room to the west.
  
  > Up
  I'm in the Three Bears' bedroom, a small attic room with steeply sloping walls. They have the weirdest sleeping arrangements. There's a tiny little bed, a medium-sized bed and a full sized snooker table. A narrow staircase leads down to the hall.
  A tiny dormer window looks out onto the clearing.
  For some unaccountable reason, Sleeping Beauty is lying fast asleep on the tiny little bed.
  
  > look at the Beauty
  She's sprawled across Baby Bear's bed, fast asleep and still wearing her party dress. Drunk, I shouldn't wonder. Oi! Beauty! This is my fairytale! Hoppit!
  
  > Kiss Beauty
  Forget it! Once was more than enough, thankyou!
  
  > look at the table
  No wonder it was so hard! The "bed" was actually a full sized snooker table with pockets and everything...
  
  > look in the pockets
  one of the pockets is empty.