text: [Themes: Screen, Satire, humor]
  
  > Go downwards
  Zarf's Apartment (in Zarf's head) (as Peter)
  Zarf seems at first to be in a library, but on second glance, he's just at home but owns a *lot* of books. A couple thousand of them, by the looks of it. He is holding a bar code scanner and is scanning the ISBN numbers of books from a tall stack, one at a time, into his computer.
  
  Inside of Zarf's head, you see weird flashes of light. A number of eerie sounds float around. You presume these effects are caused by the random firing of synapses in a very active mind. A deep shadow here slashes diagonally, refusing the light.
  
  "Okay, I'll stay here," says Valerie. "Try to get that panel activated. I'll holler if I see anything happen."
  
  > look at the books
  There are hundreds and hundreds of books, too many to describe individually.
  
  Zarf scans another book from the stack.
  
  > enter the shadow
  You touch the shadow, and feel a chill go through your bones.
  
  "I think he felt that," yells Valerie.
  
  Inside Zarf's Brain (as Peter)
  The noise is really loud here, and there is more to see. A visual juxtaposition mars your sense of place. The walls are angular but smooth, are a warm red, living rock, are cold dead clay and calcite. Cave tunnels lead in all directions, but without a compass or a way to mark your trail, you sense that you could easily get lost.
  
  You can see a control panel here.
  
  > look at the panel
  The control panel has the appearance of a music stand, rising from a single stalk to about the height of your rib cage. The flat surface has but one button and a rectangular plate about four inches by six inches.
  
  Out of the corner of your eye, you notice a curious gentleman leaning against the wall.
  
  > put the photo on the plate
  You put the blurry photo onto the ceramic plate.
  
  > examine the microphone
  It is a slender golden rod with a burnished tip. The tip contains a spherical windscreen.
  
  > Hello
  Please use >TALK TO PLAYER to interact in this game.
  
  > talk to Zarf
  (the microphone)
  
  What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
  1: Test. Test. Testing 1, 2, 3, 4. Hello?
  
  > 1
  You say, "Test. Test. Testing 1, 2, 3, 4. Hello?"
  
  You feel a sudden sense of pressure and release, and a darkening of the environment.
  
  Valerie yells, "Is it working? He's looking around like he knows someone is messing with him."
  
  "What should I try?" you ask.
  
  "It's up to you," Valerie yells back.
  
  What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
  1: Umm. Zarf, drop your book.
  
  > 1
  You say, "Umm. Zarf, drop your book."
  
  There is a slight shift in the floor, then a heavy, echoing thud from somewhere outside.
  
  Valerie yells, "Yay! He dropped the book! Try something else."
  
  What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
  1: Zarf, stand up.
  2: Zarf, do the funky chicken.
  3: Zarf, explain 'So Far'.
  4: Zarf, give me all your chocolate.
  
  > 1
  You say, "Zarf, stand up."
  
  You feel a sudden shift as the floor seems to tilt underneath you, then rights itself. You feel a sense of fast upward motion.
  
  "You must have felt that," Valerie yells. "Okay, he's looking around like he can't figure out what's going on. Try something else."
  
  What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
  1: Zarf, do the funky chicken.
  2: Zarf, explain 'So Far'.
  3: Zarf, give me all your chocolate.
  
  > 2
  You say, "Zarf, explain 'So Far'."
  
  A hollow noise rumbles up from the caves, like gigantic steel doors swinging shut and locking. From the shadows, the stranger with the rucksack and stiletto speaks in a low voice, saying, "I do not explain my work. You, however, have some explaining to do." He steals closer, an inch at a time, circling you.
  
  What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
  1: Valerie, help!
  
  > 3
  You say, "Zarf, give me all your chocolate."
  
  There is a groan like heavy roof timbers creaking, underscored by a low metallic grinding.
  
  Valerie yells, "Hey! What did you tell him to do?"
  
  "I told him to give me all his chocolate," you shout back. "Why, what's he doing? It feels like we're moving."
  
  Valerie says, "I don't think he's the kind of guy who easily surrenders his chocolate. I think he's starting to catch on that there's someone messing with his brain here. Careful what else you try."
  
  What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
  1: Zarf, do the funky chicken.
  2: Zarf, explain 'So Far'.
  
  > 4
  What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
  1: Zarf, do the funky chicken.
  2: Zarf, explain 'So Far'.
  
  > 1
  You say, "Zarf, do the funky chicken."
  
  Valerie yells, "I didn't feel anything. What did you try?"
  
  "I told him to do the funky chicken," you yell back.
  
  You hear Valerie laugh. "Maybe he doesn't know that dance. Try something else."
  
  What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
  1: Zarf, explain 'So Far'.
  
  > 1
  You say, "Valerie, help!"
  
  A violent red light pulses through the inside of the brain. Valerie enters, looking spooked.
  
  Valerie says, "Uh oh, I think he's pissed."
  
  "Who are you two?" the thief demands, extending his stiletto blade.
  
  You back slowly away from the control panel, your eye on the tunnel openings. "What do we do now?" you ask Valerie. "Usually the trip ends by this point."
  
  The thief circles closer, his eyes locked on yours, glinting in the darkness the same as his blade.
  
  "What if we get stuck here?" Valerie wonders aloud.
  
  > talk to the thief
  You can't think of anything to say.
  
  The thief suddenly lunges. Valerie yanks you backwards.
  
  "Run!" she screams.
  
  "Which way?"
  
  "*Any* way!"
  
  > run
  You'll have to say which compass direction to go in.
  
  The thief quickly dispatches both you and Valerie with quick, upward thrusts of his blade into your hearts.
  
  > Up
  You experience blind panic for the first time in your life, despite the absurdity of the setting, and the recognizable fiction of the threat. Your life; how small and petty it all seems, and how short. There is little light in these twisting tunnels, and the faster you run, the more time moves in slow motion, and your thoughts turn inward. Your life has been blind and short, you think; appropriate, because down this last dark turn of the cave tunnel you have met with an unexpected, dead end.
  
  It is the classic dead end. More than that, it is the archetypal dead end. Nowhere forward, nowhere back. The ceiling shocks with its height, the walls oppress with their closeness. There are no exits.
  
  A helix of light hangs in the air here, twirling and changing colors.
  
  You can also see Valerie here.
  
  "We're trapped!" whispers Valerie, as much color drained from her face as there is pulsating in the helix above.
  
  > Go upward
  There are no exits.
  
  The thief enters, his stiletto blade extended. "You two don't belong here," he says. "And I believe you have something of mine."
  
  "Help!" you yell. "Hel--"
  
  -- glaring light...
  
  [Hit any key.]
  Hedge
  Spiny, poky leaves weed their way through your clothing and stab you in uncomfortable and sensitive places.
  
  > Leave
  You are at the northwest edge of the corporate campus. A decorated line of hedges hidden by a corner of stately trees, with leaves that gently whisper in the evening wind.
  
  You can see Valerie and a large hedge here.
  
  "Okay, that was freaky," says Valerie.
  
  "Yeah, let's call it a night," you say.
  
  "Oh come on. This is getting fun. This is my kind of Interactive Fiction!"
  
  "More like interactive reality. Oh, damn. Where is it? I've lost the photo."
  
  "Maybe you dropped it when we fell. Look in the hedge."
  
  > Search hedge
  There's nothing in the hedge.
  
  "It's not there," you say."I bet the thief took it. That means the show's over."
  
  "Do you think we should tell Zarf about this?"
  
  "Hmm. Maybe it's better if he doesn't know."
  
  "I don't know about that. If it were your head, wouldn't you want to know that people were hacking into it?"
  
  "Good point. Okay, we'll tell him first thing tomorrow."
  
  "Agreed," says Valerie.
  
  "Agreed," you say.
  
  > go to the north
  "Can I walk you to your car?" you ask Valerie.
  
  "You can limp me there," she says, grimacing. "I think I twisted my ankle."
  
  You puff out your chest. "I can carry you, if you want."
  
  Valerie laughs. "Ooh. The last of the gallant gentlemen." She shakes her head. "No thanks, I'm tough," she says.
  
  > kiss valerie
  Keep your mind on the game.
  
  > go north
  Oh, come on. Take the hint and be gallant.
  
  > carry valerie
  Peter carries Valerie to her car, trying desperately not to huff and sweat and collapse.
  
  Early the next morning, Zarf wakes and takes a long walk to work, trying to blow off some steam. It doesn't help...
  
  [Hit any key.]
  
  > carry valerie
  ** Library error 10 (0,0) **
  
  You are *pissed*. Someone's been messing with you, and you know exactly who it was. *How* they did it, you don't know, but that's the first thing on your mind this morning. Find evil scum, tell evil scum off. Then, get some work done.
  
  On the computer is a MUD window. You are logged onto ifMUD.
  
  > About yourself
  You look about the same as always.
  
  > examine the ifmud
  Sargent says (to Zarf), "Hey."
  inky says, "hi Z"
  Iain says, "Hullo."
  You say, "grnn. Not happy."
  Rob says (to Iain), "that's what I thought until recently"
  Iain says (to Rob), "Oh?"
  Sargent says (to Zarf), "What's up?"
  inky says, "erm?"
  You say, "Details not important. I have a mission to destroy
  evil
  scum."
  Sargent says, "Ugly buildup in the bathtub?"
  inky says, "probably some sort of foaming cleanser is in order"
  Rob says, "bleach and a stiff brush will take care of that"
  Adam says, "You coul-- Damn it."
  Sargent says, "HA ha."
  Emily groans.
  
  Suddenly, Evil Scum are here. You recognize one of them only from a vivid mental snapshot that appeared yesterday morning. You recognize the other from seeing her around once or twice. You are not pleased to see either of them, although it saves you the trouble of hunting them down.
  
  "Um, hi Mr. Plotkin," says the first.
  
  "I'm Valerie Conrad, and this is Peter Feeney," says the other.
  
  "We came to tell you about -- something weird that we discovered."
  
  "It's a portal into your head," says Valerie, which doesn't make any logical sense, but it does explain things, if it's true.
  
  What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
  1: And you decided to take not just one trip, but three? Thanks a *lot*.
  
  > Oops
  What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
  1: And you decided to take not just one trip, but three? Thanks a *lot*.
  
  > 1
  You say, "And you decided to take not just one trip, but three? Thanks a *lot*."
  
  "Sorry about that. It was just ordinary curiosity at first."
  
  "Perfectly natural."
  
  What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
  1: There's nothing natural or ordinary about it. Where is this portal?
  
  > 1
  You say, "There's nothing natural or ordinary about it. Where is this portal?"
  
  "In the file room."
  
  What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
  1: Take me there. Now.
  
  > 1
  You say, "Take me there. Now."
  
  "Well, okay."
  
  [Hit any key.]
  
  > examine the ceiling tile
  The ceiling tile is set slightly askew.
  
  > examine the door
  A portal fashioned from slats of aged cedar, the strange secret door is only about three feet high, and painted a shade of crimson. Gold flecks in the paint give it a gaudy, child's-idea-of-magical appearance. Ornate brass hinges, possibly hand-crafted, clamp the door securely to the wall. Beyond being bizarre, it is curiously anachronistic. The portal itself antedates this building by at least a century and a half, in your estimation.
  
  > examine the copy machine
  The copier machine sits near the wall, bearing no make or marking that you recognize. Even more curiously, the copier is not plugged in, and yet it definitely seems to be turned on.
  
  > open the copier
  You open the lid.
  
  > open the door
  The door swings easily on its hinges, which have been recently oiled. Someone is evidently its caretaker, but it is beyond your ability to guess whom.
  
  > enter the portal
  A voice shouts, "STOP!" It is an odd voice, a peculiar sounding shout. It sounds less like a voice yelling and more like a normal voice mechanically amplified.
  
  "Melvin!" shouts Peter.
  
  This "Melvin" bears no resemblance to any human being, living or dead. The ersatz flesh on his disjointed skeleton is a remarkable elastic, tinted with some care to mimic caucasian melanin. Under the fluorescent light, it reflects slightly too much green, and it wrinkles unnaturally at limb joints. More care has been taken in the face, allowing for a range of facial expressions. Currently, the expression is one of intended menace.
  
  "You leave me no choice but to terminate you," says Melvin. He goes to the copier and punches a sequence of numbers on the button panel. A strange shuddering vibration pulses through the room, from back to front.
  
  "The file cabinets!" yells Peter. "They're moving!"
  
  The file cabinets are growing taller. Beneath each, a small footpad is extending, and the cabinet bodies are rising on stalks. A single cycloptic ruby eye irises open on the face of each.
  
  Peter rolls his eyes. "Well what the heck. It *is* a stupid robot army!"
  
  "Go in, quick!" Valerie orders you.
  
  "Go! We'll hold him off!" Peter shouts, bravely. "I think."
  
  [Hit any key.]