text: [Themes: fan fiction, humor]
  
  "Fuck off, Dracula." You say, taking a drink from your New Castles.
  
  "Eh, vuck you, Invisible." He says, leaning back in his seat.
  
  A few moments later the Creature from the Black Lagoon returns with a tray of shots which he sets on the table beside you.
  
  Dracula attempts to enlist his hand in a game of darts. "Do you vant to play a game of darts, Creature from the Black Lagoon?"
  
  "No thank you, my plasma addicted friend. I find darts to be a trivial and unamusing exercise." He responds. "It is, however, time to toast the good Dr. Jekyll and his outstandingly gracious contribution to our gathering."
  
  He grabs a shot glass and raises it, you and everyone else do likewise, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon begins; "To friends reunited after a long absence. To The Mummy, for organizing it all, yet passing before everyone showed. And, perhaps most importantly, to Dr. Jekyll, for hooking us up with the dank before his evil counterpart Mr. Hyde could take over and smoke it all up."
  
  You all take down the shot. It's whiskey. Jim Beam. You hate Jim Beam. It has an after taste like butter.
  
  After everyone has put down their empty shot glasses, Frankenstein stands up with the blunt hanging from his mouth. "Nggggggg." He says.
  
  Mrs. Frankenstein, the Wolfman, and the Creature from the Black Lagoon stand up immediately. They look between where they think you are and where Dracula is. Dracula waves them away, and you decline as well. You haven't smoked that stuff in years and there is no need to do so now.
  
  You sit across from Dracula in silence for a short while, he looking around the bar while you stare at the form of the Mummy who is passed out beside a mug of brew, face down on the table.
  
  "Are you still there, Invisible?" Dracula asks.
  
  "Yeah." You reply.
  
  "I have noticed something about this bar that does not sit so vell vith me." He says to you in a low tone.
  
  "What's that?" You ask.
  
  "Do you see any vimen in here?" He asks.
  
  You look around and are surprised to locate so few women within. But there are a few, and you point them out to the lord of vampires.
  
  "No, no." He says. "That viman," He says pointing at one of the three you directed him to, "has a mustache. That vun has to be the most masculine looking viman I ever have seen. And that one," He says pointing to the third, "Has an erection."
  
  You take all of this in and realize he is right. "My word." You say aloud.
  
  "Yes," He says, "The Monsters Lounge is a gay monsters lounge."
  
  "Damn," You exclaim, "You are one observant fucking vampire."
  
  "I vish that vas the case. I vas actually tipped off to the fact vhen one of the men grabbed at my ass. You are lucky you are invisible in a situation like this." He says to you.
  
  "I guess so." You say, drinking more of your beer.
  
  "Why don't you go grab us some more beers?" You ask of him.
  
  "Give me some money, friend." He says to you.
  
  "I haven't got any." You reply. "Why don't you check and see if any one wants to buy you a drink?"
  
  "I don't think so, Invisible." He says.
  
  "Why not?" You ask. "You were apparently born with an attractive quality that members of your own gender cannot resist. Use this to your advantage, Dracula. Get us some free beer."
  
  He considers this for a moment. "You are right." He says. "I vill do so."
  
  As he stands up and begins his walk to the bar, you call after him with a reminder. "Just don't feed, Drac! You could get AIDS!"
  
  He shows you his centermost of his fingers as he approaches the bar.
  
  Your eyes stray once again to the unconscious form of the Mummy at the table. He hasn't so much as twitched once since you arrived, and you were kind of hoping to talk with him a little today.
  
  > let him be.
  It's probably best to just let him sleep. You don't want him puking all over the bar or anything like that.
  
  You wait for him to return rather patiently and watch with amusement as a couple of the men at the bar come onto him. He uses his hypnotizing eyes to get his wish almost immediately.
  
  He looks your way and winks before coming back with two glasses, one tan ale and the other a clear liquid. He sets the ale before you and you sip appreciatively at the Newcastles Brown Ale as he sits across from you.
  
  "Thank you." You say to him.
  
  He jumps a little at you voice before nodding his head and visibly relaxing. "Even vhen I know you are there, it still frightens me," he says before leaning in close to his drink and lightly blowing air at the surface of the clear liquid.
  
  "What did you get?" You ask.
  
  "Hot vater." He says.
  
  You look at him inquisitively before realizing once again how ridiculous it is for you to have nonverbal gestures in the first place. "What the hell did you get hot water for?" You ask.
  
  "I found a tampon in the ladies room," He says, "I'm going to make tea." He reaches into his cloak and pulls out the blood soaked rag.
  
  "That's fucking disgusting, man!" You say getting to your feet and backing off in disgust as he dips the cotton into his water allowing the red to seep into the water. You fight the urge to vomit and do your best to avoid looking at him.
  
  Just then your friends return from outside just as Nine Inch Nails' "Closer" comes on over the juke box. They walk over to your table in slow motion, like out of some movie where all the cool people walk in slow motion when they enter the room. They reach the table and sit down, smelling like they just got back from a Snoop Dogg/Cypress Hill concert. Their eyes are glazed over like old movie monsters that just went outside to smoke pot behind a queer bar.
  
  Dracula smiles warmly as he sips from his tea. "Velcome back" he says to them.
  
  "What's up?" Wolfman says. "What are you drinking?"
  
  "Blood tea. It vould appear that Frankenstein's bride is on the rag." He says.
  
  "That may be the most disgusting thing I have ever heard anyone say in my entire fucking life, Dracula," says The Creature from the Black Lagoon.
  
  Frankenstein rises to his feet, not looking at all pleased at the vampires' words. "Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggg!!!!" He says in absolute fury.
  
  "How do you even know it was her?" asks the Wolfman.
  
  "Do you see any other vomen in here?" He asks, "Ve are in a queer bar. Coincidently, Franky, your bride's pussy blood tastes remarkably vell for a reanimated corpse."
  
  "Ah! Sick, man. Sick." Wolfman says.
  
  Frankenstein lets out a primal growl as he reaches forward and picks Dracula up out of the seat. He starts pounding his massive fist into the count's head over and over again while his bride stands by watching gratefully as her man defends her honor.
  
  "Vhat did I say wrong?" Dracula questions during the pummeling. "Vhat the hell did I say wrong?"
  
  Eventualy two of the more muscle bound bar flies walk over and pull Frankenstein off of Dracula. "Hey, hey. No fighting in here, fellas." One of them says.
  
  "Unless you're fighting over me." Says the other.
  
  The first gay walks over to Mrs. Frankenstein and looks her up and down. "Oh my God," He shrieks, "You look so good dressed up like that! I could almost swear that you don't have a cock between your legs!"
  
  The bride of Frankenstein doesn't take to kindly to this, and she begins to pummel the shit out of the man while the rest of the bar comes in and tries break up the ensuing chaos.
  
  It turns into a blood bath, the Wolfman going crazy as though he were rabid while Frankenstein's' wife takes on all comers. Frankenstein beats Dracula over and over with powerful punch after powerful punch until the vampire is flopping around like a rag doll. The Creature from the Black Lagoon mauls any human who comes near him while the Mummy remains unconscious on the back table. Blood spills to the floor in gallons.
  
  You step quietly out of the bar and make your way back to the hotel. Monsters will be monsters, especially when provoked.
  
  Come to think of it, this may have been another reason that you all stopped hanging around in the first place.