text: > Go down
  This is Mel's spooooooky secret laboratory. I say "spooky" because it's lit bit a series of multicolored, floating orbs. Apart from the glowing elf balls, though, it's a relatively normal stone cellar. I can go up if you want to return to the shop proper.
  
  There's a big pot on the floor and a sign on the wall.
  
  > read the sign
  Save your notes! You do not like remaking potions from scratch.
  --Mel
  
  > examine the pot
  I'm sure it's technically an "alchemical cauldron apparatus," but I will be referring to it as a "pot." The pot is filled with some kind of thick liquid, and there's a sigil embossed on its side.
  
  > examine the sigil
  PUT UNICORN FUR, SAPPHIRE WHISKEY, IVORY RUNESTONE, REFINED STARMETAL AND WIZARD ASH IN POT
  
  What do you want to put those things in?
  
  It's some sort of intricate design. It means nothing to me, and it's way too complicated for me to describe to you. It looks impressively mystical and eldritch, though.
  
  > put the UNICORN FUR and the SAPPHIRE WHISKEY and the IVORY RUNESTONE and the refined starmetal and the WIZARD ASH in POT
  PUT UNICORN FUR AND SAPPHIRE WHISKEY AND IVORY RUNESTONE AND REFINED STARMETAL AND WIZARD ASH IN POT
  
  What do you want to put those things in?
  
  > put the UNICORN FUR and the SAPPHIRE WHISKEY and the IVORY RUNESTONE and the refined starmetal and WIZARD ASH into the POT
  PUT UNICORN FUR AND SAPPHIRE WHISKEY AND IVORY RUNESTONE AND REFINED STARMETAL AND WIZARD ASH INTO POT
  
  What do you want to put those things in?
  
  > POT
  What do you want to put those things in?
  
  > put the WIZARD ASH in the POT
  PUT UNICORN FUR IN POT. PUT SAPPHIRE WHISEY IN POT. PUT IVORY RUNESTONE IN POT. PUT REFINED STARMETAL IN POT. PUT WIZARD
  
  The unicorn fur disappears under the surface of the liquid in the pot.
  
  The sigil on the side of the pot begins glowing with a soft blue light.
  I didn't understand that sentence.
  
  > put the WIZARD ASH in POT
  PUT SAPPHIRE WHISKEY IN POT. PUT IVORY RUNESTONE IN POT. PUT REFINED STARMETAL IN POT. PUT WIZARD ASH IN POT
  
  The sapphire whiskey disappears under the surface of the liquid in the pot.
  I can't see any such thing.
  
  > look at what you're carrying with you
  In my bag of holding, I have:
  some wizard ash
  some refined starmetal
  some daffodil blood
  an ivory runestone
  a phoenix kidney
  a fish
  a vellum page
  a faery coin
  some farming tools
  a fishing rod
  a bottle of clear fluid
  a torn page
  a spell book
  a magic wand
  the mind of a foolish wizard
  
  > put IVORY RUNESTONE in POT
  The ivory runestone disappears under the surface of the liquid in the pot.
  
  > put the refined starmetal in the POT
  The refined starmetal disappears under the surface of the liquid in the pot.
  
  > put the WIZARD ASH in the POT
  The wizard ash disappears under the surface of the liquid in the pot.
  
  > press sigil
  As soon as I touch the sigil, all the glowing orbs stop moving. Uh oh. Has time frozen? No, I can still move. Now the orbs are growing smaller, and--- whoa! The orbs streak towards the pot and collide with the surface of the liquid with a giant poof of smoke!
  
  Now I'm somehow holding a vial. Wow. that was crazy.
  
  We've done it, boss! Now all I need to do is get this back to you, so that you can restock the treasury and, more importantly, get out of my head.
  
  > pour the vial on the spell book
  Boss? I have put up with a lot today. I wandered all around town following someone's love notes. I burned down a barn. I played Pretty Pretty Princess Dress-Me-Up with some random guy in order to get him arrested for a crime he didn't commit. I robbed a bank. I had to spend a good ten minutes with the world's stupidest hedgehog
  singing at me just so you could rob a blind guy. I let you
  stick me in a cage just so you could make fake money. I had to learn how to play your incomprehensible stock market. There is no way I am letting you do anything with this potion until we get into
  the treasury.
  
  > look at the vial
  Yeaugh! I'm sure there's a potion in there, but all I get is some shifting colors and an overwhelming smell of blue cheese.
  
  > show vial to Mel
  Like I said, boss, let's get back to your body first.
  
  > Up
  All right. Nearly back at the room with your body. Now you can get out of my head and take this potion, and I can have a nice meal with my girlfriend. Here you g---
  
  No. No no nononnononononono! You're not here. Your body isn't here. Also the door is open. The treasurer must have found the king. We've got to get to the treasury--- oh man--- I hope they haven't killed you yet.
  
  Okay, okay, it's not over yet. I can see you. You're not dead. The king and the treasurer and some guards and some you are all here. Okay, okay. We can still work this out. We just have to get up to the treasury before they do.
  
  We're at the bottom of the elevator leading up the tower to the vault. The lift itself is a giant stone disk operated by a magic key.
  
  I can see your comatose body, a treasurer, some guards, and a king here.
  
  The treasurer fumbles with his key ring and holds up a bright blue key. "Alakazam!" he incants. Nothing happens.
  
  > pour the vial on the spell book
  I don't think this will do anything, but okay. Done. Now the spell book is wet.
  
  The treasures holds up the key again. "Alakazoo!" he incants. Nothing happens.
  
  "It's 'Alakazar'," says the king.
  
  "I was getting there!" shouts the treasurer. "Alakazar!" he cries triumphantly. The stone lift hums and starts moving upwards.
  
  > wait for a while
  All right.
  
  The treasures holds up the key again. "Alakazoo!" he incants. Nothing happens.
  
  "It's 'Alakazar'," says the king.
  
  "I was getting there!" shouts the treasurer. "Alakazar!" he cries triumphantly. The stone lift hums and starts moving upwards.
  
  > Wait
  Hey, boss! Death is imminent!
  
  "I've always wanted to see the treasury," says one of the guards. "This is so exciting."
  
  "The treasury is empty!" yells the treasurer. "This is a
  travesty."
  
  "I've always wanted to see the treasury," repeats the guard. "This is such an exciting travesty."
  
  The lift rises steadily.
  
  > Wait
  All right.
  
  The king sneezes.
  
  The lift rises steadily.
  
  > wait
  Hey, boss! Death is imminent!
  
  One of the guards rifles through your pockets.
  
  The lift rises steadily.
  
  > Wait
  All right.
  
  The lift arrives at the top of the tower.
  
  > wait
  All right.
  
  The treasurer leads the way east towards the vault. You're going to die. Nice knowing you.
  
  > Wait
  Hey, boss! Death is imminent!
  
  > Wait
  Hey, boss! Death is imminent!
  
  Boss, please stop dawdl--- what the....I think that was your body sailing past us. Hmm, yeah, that's definitely a smashed you down there. Good job.
  
  > check your inventory
  In my bag of holding, I have:
  an iridescent potion
  some daffodil blood
  a phoenix kidney
  a fish
  a vellum page
  a faery coin
  some farming tools
  a fishing rod
  a bottle of clear fluid
  a torn page
  a spell book
  a magic wand
  the mind of a desperate wizard
  
  The lift arrives at the top of the tower.
  
  > pour the vial on Fish
  I don't think this will do anything, but okay. Done. Now the fish is wet.
  
  The treasurer leads the way east towards the vault. You're going to die. Nice knowing you.
  
  > Up
  We're already at the top of the tower; the vault is to the east.
  
  > Go east
  This is the top of the treasure house tower. Notable features include the vault, to the north, and the bottom of the tower, to the, um, downward.
  
  > go north
  This room is supposed to be filled with treasure. Failing that, it's supposed to be filled with the illusion of treasure. But it's broken. If I tilt my head one way, the illusion's still there: a giant pile of gold and jewelry. If I tilt my head the other way, all I see is a pile of logs. It's making me dizzy. The exit from the vault is to the south.
  
  I can see your comatose body, a treasurer, some guards, a king, and a pile of logs here.
  
  The king sighs. "Just get rid of him. I don't care what you do." He sits on a log and puts his head in his hands.
  
  Oh, man, we're such jerks.
  
  The guards chop off your head and toss your body down the tower.
  
  > Go north
  I can't go that way.
  
  One of the guards rifles through your pockets.
  
  The lift rises steadily.
  
  > Up
  We're already at the top of the tower; the vault is to the east.
  
  The lift arrives at the top of the tower.
  
  > go east
  This is the top of the treasure house tower. Notable features include the vault, to the north, and the bottom of the tower, to the, um, downward.
  
  The treasurer leads the king and his retinue here from the west. You're going to die. Nice knowing you.
  
  > go north
  This room is supposed to be filled with treasure. Failing that, it's supposed to be filled with the illusion of treasure. But it's broken. If I tilt my head one way, the illusion's still there: a giant pile of gold and jewelry. If I tilt my head the other way, all I see is a pile of logs. It's making me dizzy. The exit from the vault is to the south.
  
  I can see a pile of logs here.
  
  Uh oh. They're here.
  
  > pour the vial on the logs
  Okay. Here goes. I fly out of hiding and splash the potion around the room.
  
  The room explodes. This is not quite what I expected. There's a crazy shower of birds everywhere. The pile of logs has become a swarm of...of goldfinches. Oops.
  
  I'm trying to get back in my hiding place, but there's too much chaos. The birds are going wild. They're all screaming at each other to get out of each other's way. The humans are throwing their hands up to protect their heads from the aerial assault. The guards drop you on the floor. I've got to try to get out of here before I--- oh, thank the meat gods, are you finally going back into your own head? Good luck, boss; good time to try running.
  
  I swear it happened exactly like that, babe. Goldfinches everywhere. Would I make something like that up? Well, then why do you think there are so many more birds around here lately?
  
  The king and the treasurer? Well, they probably got pooped on a lot. You know how it is. The boss and I got out of the room as soon as possible. He ran off to a closet where he had some Anywhere-But-Here Dust stashed, and he poofed away. I have no idea where he went; I hope it was to some kingdom with with dumber treasurers.
  
  Anyway, as far as I know, he's gone for good. That means I'm yours for the foreseeable future, love. Want to go get some food? I've worked up a heck of an appetite saving the boss and all. Let's eat somewhere quiet; I'm going to go crazy if I hear one more finch asking where to get the good seeds.
  
  > put all the ingredients in the POT
  wizard ash: The wizard ash disappears under the surface of the liquid in the pot.
  
  The sigil on the side of the pot begins glowing with a soft blue light.
  refined starmetal: The refined starmetal disappears under the surface of the liquid in the pot.
  daffodil blood: The daffodil blood disappears under the surface of the liquid in the pot.
  ivory runestone: The ivory runestone disappears under the surface of the liquid in the pot.
  phoenix kidney: The phoenix kidney disappears under the surface of the liquid in the pot.
  sapphire whiskey: The sapphire whiskey disappears under the surface of the liquid in the pot.
  unicorn fur: The unicorn fur disappears under the surface of the liquid in the pot.
  
  > pour the vial on King
  Whoa. Harsh, boss, but okay: one solid-gold king, coming up. I hope you have plans for an exciting chess set.
  
  Sploosh. Wow, he looks offended that I threw the potion at
  him. I wouldn't want to be frozen with that face for all eternity.
  
  Hey, boss, the treasurer looks even angrier, and the guards are still--- Oh, you seem to be leaving my head. Good luck with that. I'm out of here.
  
  > pour the vial on Treasurer
  Ooh, I like the way you think. I leave my perch and, like a streak of black lightning, I strike! The fat guy is still complaining about what a horrid little toad of a thief you are as I pour the potion on him. His lips continue whining even as the top of his head turns to gold. Well, that was--- oh, you seem to be leaving my mind finally. Good riddance.
  
  Yeah, babe, it all happened just like that. After the treasurer got turned into a statue, the boss managed to convince the king that the new gold treasurer was far more valuable than the old one, and, you know, nobody really liked the old treasurer anyway.
  
  The boss? Well, the boss decided he should probably skip town even though he wasn't in immediate danger of losing his legs, arms, eyeballs, or liver. Eventually the king's going to think about the moral implications of restocking the treasury with the
  treasurer. I don't know where the boss has gone and I really don't want to know. But he gave me my freedom for my help, and...one other thing. He did one last enchantment before he left, and this one seems to actually work.
  
  So, the bag of Marginal Holding? Well, he made it a little less and a little more useful. Now it only holds eyeballs. But there's always one more in the bag. Infinite Eyeballs--- more than we could ever possibly eat.
  
  Could I interest you in a little snack, my love?