text: [Themes: Fantasy, wedding, constrained protagonist, Comedy, fantasy, castle]
  
  > Go downward
  You make your way down a looping stairway, entering a dimly-lit hall that extends to the east.
  
  Without warning, a harrowing sound echoes through the passage. You recall hearing worse only once before, when a fellow of your acquaintance contracted the dreaded banshee tapeworm (much to your relief, the problem of the noise was resolved once someone thought to apply a cork to the offending orifice).
  
  > Go east
  As you draw closer, you recognise the tortured caterwauling of a man. With each step, the wailing becomes more and more intense, and it takes every ounce of courage not to turn and flee. You can see a dead end a little farther to the east.
  
  > Go east
  You inch towards the end of the hall and discover the source of the noise. Locked in a cramped cell is a collection of heroes—five, to
  be
  exact. One of them is bent over a guitar.
  
  "And after aaaaaaaalllllllll," he cries. "You're my wonderwaaaaaaaaalllllllll!"
  
  The hero ends his song with a flourish and a bow, and the others offer a rousing round of applause. "Bravo, bravo!" they cry. Hero 3 whistles appreciatively through his fingers. (It should be noted you have a hard time telling heroes apart, especially when they are all men and rather generic. Thus, you decide to number them in your head to prevent any issues with disambiguation. Only Hero 1 stands out by virtue of his guitar, but calling him Guitar Hero would simply be too generous a title.)
  
  "By the gods, a pig!" shouts Hero 5. He smacks his cellmates to gain their attention, and they all turn to consider you. "Could it be here to rescue the princess?" he continues.
  
  "What a silly notion. I'm here to rescue the princess," says
  Hero 4. Hero 2 gently but firmly corrects the other, stating that he, in fact, shall be rescuing the princess. This is followed by the same assertion from Hero 3. Hero 1 not only believes he shall be rescuing the princess, he has also written a song about it that he thinks everyone should hear right away.
  
  "What if we all rescue the princess together?" asks Hero 5, earning incredulous glares from the others.
  
  "If everyone is the hero, then nobody is," says Hero 4. The remaining heroes nod in unison. "So naturally," he continues, "I shall be the one to rescue the princess."
  
  Losing interest in the resulting argument, you take in the rest of your surroundings. Within the cell, a combination washer-dryer stands against the far wall. Outside the cell, you find an empty guard post and a ring of keys hanging on the wall.
  
  > take the keys
  You assumed they were low enough to reach, but even when standing on your hind legs, the ring of keys is too far away.
  
  The prisoners halt their argument to gape at your attempt. "Are you... are you trying to purloin the keys for us?" asks Hero 3. "Are you some sort of intelligent pig?"
  
  When you turn to look at them, Hero 1 has an idea. "If you can understand me, bring me something to throw at the keys. I shall knock them off the wall, and you can retrieve them for me. Then I shall be free to rescue the princess."
  
  "No, I'm rescuing the princess," counters Hero 2, and the
  argument resumes once more.
  
  > Examine post
  It's a table and chair, with the chair facing the cell. You assume this is where a guard would watch over a prisoner, so calling it a guard post felt more appropriate to conveying its purpose (though without a guard, it really is just a table and chair).
  
  > examine the washer
  A rare clockwork combination washer-dryer is beginning to succumb to rust. Chained to the machine is a skeleton.
  
  > look at the skeleton
  Such a gruesome death.
  
  > open the washer
  Being a pig, you are limited in what you can do.
  
  > go west
  You return to the centre of the dimly-lit hall that runs east and west.
  
  > go to the west
  You continue to the foot of the stairs to the west.
  
  > Go upwards
  You make your way up the stairs to a cobblestoned courtyard enclosed by rose bushes with a fountain in the centre. To the north is the ballroom, and to the south is the foyer.
  
  A goblin engineer, seemingly unbothered by the rain, is busy repairing the dislocated leg of a suit of mechanical armour.
  
  > go south
  You squeeze through the doggy door and return to the northern end of the bailey, with the rest of the bailey to the south, southeast and southwest. Tuck is thrilled to see you again.
  
  The squire immediately throws his arms around you. "Oh! How happy I am to know you are safe, little sniffer." He blinks the mist from his eyes. "I thought—well, who knows what dwells inside this evil place, and I was worried that..." He trails off, unable to complete the sentence, and only after an exhausting amount of kicking and squealing does he let you go.
  
  > Go southwest
  Tuck follows you to the western end of the bailey. You can continue east towards the dogtower or southeast towards the drawbridge.
  
  A red pail lies on its side.
  
  You can also see a ball here.
  
  > take the ball
  Taken.
  
  > Go north
  You squeeze through the doggy door into the foyer of the inner keep. To the north is an outdoor courtyard, to the west a darkened hallway and to the east a well-lit hallway. A circular staircase curves upwards around a clockwork lift.
  
  > go north
  You head to a cobblestoned courtyard enclosed by rose bushes with a fountain in the centre. To the north is the ballroom. Stairs descend below the wall to the west.
  
  A goblin engineer, seemingly unbothered by the rain, is busy repairing the dislocated leg of a suit of mechanical armour.