text: [Themes: Comedy, heist, Farce, crime, male protagonist, slapstick]
  
  > Look around
  This, the smallest bedroom in the house, is crammed to the gills with souvenirs of the Major's various expeditions. In one corner a narrow cot lies beneath a tent of mosquito netting; a gigantic wardrobe dominates the corner opposite. The wardrobe is open, suffusing the air with the delicate smell of mothballs.
  
  From here, the only exit leads south, to the east gallery.
  
  > get netting
  Those seem to be a part of the cot.
  
  > examine the souvenirs
  Dotted around the room are various African masks, canoe paddles, snow-shoes and other mementos of the intrepid Major's expeditions. Interesting though they are, there is nothing that strikes you as being particularly useful.
  
  The walls are lined with maps of the Amazon basin, the Belgian Congo, and other remote places he has visited, and over by the cot, a faded photograph is tacked to the wall.
  
  > look at photograph
  The photo shows the Major and another man, slim and sensitive looking, arm in arm against a backdrop of lianas, ferns and gigantic jungle flowers. They are seated upon a large wooden trunk, and beaming from ear to ear.
  
  > go to the south
  At the east end of the gallery are doors leading north and south giving access to family bedrooms. The gallery continues to the west, passing the head of the stairs. Here, the oak panelling has been disfigured by portraits of Hamcester's forebears.
  
  Chief among these plug-uglies is the eighth Earl, Lord Hamcester's father, who casts his disapproving, beetle-browed gaze along the entire length of the gallery.
  
  > go south
  This room, decorated in shades of green and charcoal, can only be the bedroom of Lord Hamcester. Like the study, it is sparsely furnished and neat as a pin. The green room is dominated by a spectacular green velvet four-poster bed, which though staggeringly tall appears to have been built for someone well under five feet in height. Beside it sits a mahogany bedside cabinet.
  
  To the north, a door leads into the east gallery. To the south, a set of French windows leads out onto a small balcony overlooking the park.
  
  > look at the bed
  You seem to remember reading that Mary Queen of Scots once slept in this bed. Presumably this was after she had lost her head.
  
  > examine the cabinet
  A fine Regency period mahogany bedside cabinet. Its door is closed.
  
  > open it
  You open the mahogany bedside cabinet, revealing a small brown bottle.
  
  > examine bottle
  "Dr. Turkee's patent Knockout Drops — the world's most effective specific for the treatment of insomnia. DOSE: One drop before bed-time, no more. Safe and reliable."
  
  In the small brown bottle are three knockout drops.
  
  The most potent of all soporifics; just one of these innocent looking pea-sized pills could knock out a horse. Poor old Hamcester must suffer terribly from insomnia.
  
  > Close cabinet
  You close the mahogany bedside cabinet.
  
  > go south
  You step out into the bright sunshine.
  
  The balcony offers splendid views of the park and grounds. Directly ahead is a shrubbery where a hirsute gardener busies himself among the azaleas. French windows lead back into the green room.
  
  > look at Gardener
  Amos Bunyon, Lord Hamcester's head gardener busies himself among the azaleas.
  
  > look at door
  A sturdy door leading south. It is closed and locked. This door, wherever it may lead, appears not to have been used in a long while, since it is painted shut.
  
  > Go west
  The west gallery does a very efficient and commendable job of linking the landing with a number of bedrooms. Where we would be without these dependable passages is anybody's guess; presumably back on the landing. At the end of the gallery are doors leading north and south.
  
  Maude, the maid, armed with a can of Brasso, is polishing the handle of the door to the south, in rather a desultory sort of way.
  
  > examine maude
  A young girl of somewhat impish appearance, with a short brown bob and freckles. She is polishing the doorknob of the room to the south, though one suspects that her mind is elsewhere.
  
  > ask Maude about the doorknob
  "Are you going to be very long, in polishing that doorknob?" you ask, innocently.
  
  "I should say so, sir. 'You'll get those doorknobs shiny if it takes you all year,' says 'e. Well, I'm going to bloomin' well make sure it does take me all year, and see how 'e likes that!"
  
  "By 'e, I assume you mean your employer, Lord Hamcester?"
  
  "Yes, sir, beggin' your pardon, sir. Was you a friend of his?"
  
  "I barely know the man."
  
  "I should keep it that way, if I was you, sir. In a right huff, 'e was, on account of the Major 'aving broken 'is favourite vase. But there was no need to take it out on me!"
  
  > ask Maude about Amos
  (Amos Bunyon)
  Unaccustomed to hob-nobbing with the nobs, Maude merely curtsies and says "Very good, sir, I'm sure sir."
  
  > go to the north
  This gloomy, out-of-the-way room is used as a storehouse for furniture not currently in use. There are a great number of such pieces here, draped in dustsheets, along with sundry other items such as rolled tapestries and quaint candlesticks of dubious taste. There is very little, at first glance, to tickle the fancy of a discerning gentleman thief. The room is dimly lit, a dusty pair of velvet curtains allowing only a sliver of summer sunshine into the room.
  
  > look at the curtains
  The curtains are shut, shrouding the room in darkness.
  
  > open them
  You sweep open the curtains, allowing light to pour into the dusty room. Hello, what's this? An old trunk, previously unnoticed, now lies illuminated by a ray of sunshine. You have a sixth sense about these sorts of things, and it's tingling.
  
  > look at the trunk
  A nineteenth century carved Chinese camphor wood trunk, heavily battered. The trunk is closed.
  
  > open it
  You open the old trunk to reveal a jumble of musty theatrical costumes and other odds and ends. A quick rummage through unearths a gramophone record entitled Maraca Medley and a false beard, but it does
  not appear to contain anything else of interest.
  
  > examine the record
  A gramophone record entitled Maraca Medley by Señor Carlos
  Cordorniz, the Famous Maraca Soloist. It appears to be an album
  of popular folk-tunes arranged for solo maracas. Small wonder it ended up in the lumber room.
  
  > look at the beard
  A spectacularly bushy black beard astonishingly reminiscent of the one worn by Amos the gardener.
  
  > search the trunk
  Well, well, what's this lurking at the bottom of the trunk? No doubt old Hamcester took this Georgian ruby ring for a piece of worthless costume jewellery. Why else would he have tossed it into an old trunk with the rest of his pirate outfit? No matter — it's yours now.
  
  You slip the Georgian ruby ring into your secret pocket, where none but the most astute detective would find it.
  
  > look at what you're carrying with you
  You have about your person a false beard, a gramophone record entitled Maraca Medley, a small brown bottle, inside which are three
  knockout drops, a priceless jewelled scarab (fake), an Amazonian blowpipe, two bananas, a book entitled Psychology To-day and
  a telegram.
  
  Stashed safely in the secret pocket of your form-fitting tweed suit, are a Georgian ruby ring and a black and white feather.
  
  You are also wearing a ginger moustache, rendering you indistinguishable from Doctor Cornelius Drake, the noted alienist.
  
  > look at the ruby
  No doubt old Hamcester took this Georgian ruby ring for a piece of worthless costume jewellery. Why else would he have tossed it into an old trunk with the rest of his pirate outfit? No matter — it's yours now.
  
  > close the trunk
  You close the old trunk.
  
  > Go south
  The west gallery does a very efficient and commendable job of linking the landing with a number of bedrooms. Where we would be without these dependable passages is anybody's guess; presumably back on the landing. At the end of the gallery are doors leading north and south.
  
  Maude, the maid, armed with a can of Brasso, is polishing the handle of the door to the south, in rather a desultory sort of way.
  
  > examine the gazza
  A gramophone recording of La Gazza Ladra, a melodramma in two
  acts by Gioachino Rossini. You're rather fond of it.
  
  > Inventory
  You have about your person a false beard, a small brown bottle, inside which are three knockout drops, a priceless jewelled scarab (fake), an Amazonian blowpipe, two bananas, a book entitled Psychology
  To-day, a telegram and two gramophone records; La Gazza
  Ladra and Maraca Medley.
  
  Stashed safely in the secret pocket of your form-fitting tweed suit, are a Georgian ruby ring and a black and white feather.
  
  You are also wearing a ginger moustache, rendering you indistinguishable from Doctor Cornelius Drake, the noted alienist.
  
  > turn the crank
  You wind the crank, and a gramophone record entitled Maraca
  Medley begins to play.
  
  Upon hearing the sound of Señor Cordorniz's world-famous musical rattles, the Major hurtles into the music room, carrying in his hands an immense medieval mace. He flings open the lid of the piano, but finding nothing inside, shouts "False alarm!" and thunders out again.
  
  > listen
  From the gramophone there issues forth a popular folk tune, played solely on maracas, by Señor Carlos Cordorniz, the Famous Maraca Soloist. Which popular folk tune it is, you are, alas, unable to guess. It sounds, to your untutored ear, exactly like a nest of rattlesnakes.
  
  > go south
  Once one of the finest rooms in the house, the drawing room is in a state of disarray. Elegant armchairs lie on their backs, priceless ornaments lie in fragments on the floor and the walls, lined with red Genoa velvet, are spattered with crumbs of Genoa cake.
  
  To the west lies the great hall. The dining room is to the south and the music room to the north. In the corner of the room hangs a tasselled bell pull.
  
  From the Music Room, you hear a gramophone record entitled Maraca Medley playing.
  
  The gramophone stops playing.
  
  > go to the south
  You step out into the bright sunshine.
  
  A charming terrace, surrounded by an Italian balustrade, and replete with statues of dancing fauns, ornamental urns and what-not. In the centre is a set of cast-iron garden furniture, doing what cast-iron garden furniture does best.
  
  Stone steps lead southwards onto the lawn, east and west to the gravel sweep, whilst to the north French windows invite you to enter the saloon.
  
  Lady Hamcester sits on a cast-iron garden chair, leafing through a brochure for the R.M.S. Aquitania.
  
  > show the scarab to the Lady
  "Great Scott, you've found it!" says Lady Hamcester, leaping to her feet in surprise, "Fast work Monsieur! Where on Earth was it?"
  
  "I am afraid to say that I discovered zis trinket in the armoire of your brother, ze Major, your Ladyship. It would appear zat he had mistaken it for a real beetle, and was keeping it as, how do you say? A pet."
  
  "Oh dear," says Lady Hamcester, "I was rather afraid of that. Poor Hilary! The thing now of course, is to put it back in the display case before Emerick notices it's gone."
  
  "For that, Madame, I would require the key. The display case is locked."
  
  "Of course. But oh dear! There's only one key to the display case, and Emerick keeps it in the breast pocket of his jacket at all times. However are we to procure it?"
  
  "Leave that to me, Lady Hamcester. We detectives are not without our methods."
  
  > go east
  This gravel sweep is a path that extends from the terrace steps to the west and runs along the south front. A side path winds south into a pretty shrubbery. Directly above is a balcony.
  
  > remove the moustache
  You take off the ginger moustache.
  
  > wear the beard
  Bit risky going out disguised as Amos when the fellow is standing in plain sight — perhaps another disguise might be more appropriate?
  
  > wear the moustache
  You affix the moustache firmly to your upper lip, rendering you indistinguishable from the distinguished Dr. Cornelius Drake.
  
  > go south
  An expansive lawn, dotted with ancient cedar trees. It is connected, by way of a gravel path, to a shrubbery in the east, and by a stone archway to a walled vegetable garden in the west. To the south, on the other side of the ha-ha, lies the park.
  
  Over by the stone archway, a small, wiry man in a cloth cap snips lackadaisically at a box hedge with a pair of garden shears. Occasionally, he glances around, as though looking for suspicious characters.
  
  > Go south
  You hop nimbly over the ha-ha.
  
  The park is used by for the grazing of Lord Hamcester's prize herd of longhorn cattle, the finest in all England. To the north, on the other side of the ha-ha, lie the formal gardens, whilst to the east, at the end of a yew alley, is a small folly in the shape of a Greek temple. West of here, surrounded by a low fence, is a little orchard. A fruit-picking ladder can be seen leaning against one of the trees.
  
  Sparkenhoe, Lord Hamcester's prize bull, stands between you and the orchard, steam billowing from his nostrils.
  
  > open the bottle
  It's open - the stopper is missing.
  
  > Inventory
  You have about your person a false beard, a small brown bottle, inside which are three knockout drops, a priceless jewelled scarab (fake), an Amazonian blowpipe, two bananas, a book entitled Psychology
  To-day, a telegram and a gramophone record entitled La Gazza
  Ladra.
  
  Stashed safely in the secret pocket of your form-fitting tweed suit, are a Georgian ruby ring and a black and white feather.
  
  You are also wearing a ginger moustache, rendering you indistinguishable from Doctor Cornelius Drake, the noted alienist.
  
  > put drop in the blowpipe
  (first taking the knockout drop)
  You put the knockout drop into the Amazonian blowpipe.
  
  > shoot bull
  What do you want to shoot Sparkenhoe with?
  
  > Blowpipe
  You raise the blowpipe to your lips and give a sharp blow. The knockout drop pings harmlessly off Sparkenhoe and comes to rest on the floor.
  
  > get drop
  Taken.
  The most potent of all soporifics; just one of these innocent looking pea-sized pills could knock out a horse. Poor old Hamcester must suffer terribly from insomnia.
  
  > go north
  You hop nimbly over the ha-ha.
  
  An expansive lawn, dotted with ancient cedar trees. It is connected, by way of a gravel path, to a shrubbery in the east, and by a stone archway to a walled vegetable garden in the west. To the south, on the other side of the ha-ha, lies the park.
  
  Over by the stone archway, a small, wiry man in a cloth cap snips lackadaisically at a box hedge with a pair of garden shears. Occasionally, he casts you a suspicious glance.
  
  > go north
  A charming terrace, surrounded by an Italian balustrade, and replete with statues of dancing fauns, ornamental urns and what-not. In the centre is a set of cast-iron garden furniture, doing what cast-iron garden furniture does best.
  
  Stone steps lead southwards onto the lawn, east and west to the gravel sweep, whilst to the north French windows invite you to enter the saloon.
  
  Lady Hamcester sits on a cast-iron garden chair, leafing through a brochure for the R.M.S. Aquitania.
  
  > go to the east
  The state dining room is a splendid rectangular room with flamboyantly decorated walls and ceilings; a little overdone, perhaps, but that's the Regency for you. The room is dominated by the vast, antique mahogany dining table and a set of matching chairs. The only other furniture of note is a small glass-fronted curio cabinet which stands between the two south-facing windows.
  
  North is the drawing room, and west the saloon.
  
  The butler, Hives, is busy laying the table for dinner.
  
  On the dining table are a red velvet tablecloth and an impressive array of silverware, glassware and crockery.
  
  Hives carefully places a fish knife on the table.
  
  > examine the silverware
  The usual array of cutlery; fish forks, fruit forks, silver salvers and salad servers.
  
  Hives carefully places a sherry glass on the table.
  
  > look at the glassware
  A set of crystal glassware, including wine glasses, water goblets, champagne flutes and what-have-you.
  
  Hives carefully places a fish knife on the table.
  
  > look at the crockery
  A fine set of Royal Doulton crockery, decorated with pink roses and consisting of dinner plates, salad plates, butter plates; the whole gang.
  
  Hives carefully places a sherry glass on the table.
  
  > ask Hives about Amos
  (Amos Bunyon)
  "Now then, Hives. Who is this Amos Bunyon, of whom I have heard so much?"
  
  "Mister Bunyon is head gardener here at Bunkham Hall, sir," says the butler. "I fancy I saw him tending the shrubbery earlier this afternoon."
  
  Hives carefully places a water goblet on the table.
  
  > ask Hives about Harry
  "Who is that chap lurking about outside the kitchen-garden?" you ask.
  
  "That would be Mister Boyle, the under-gardener, sir."
  
  "I don't like the way he lurks, Hives."
  
  "I am sorry to hear that, sir."
  
  Hives carefully places a fish knife on the table.
  
  > ask Hives about the kitchen
  "I really could not say, Sir."
  
  Hives carefully places an oyster fork on the table.
  
  > ask Hives about the Lady Hamcester
  "Ah, Hives," you say. "Where can I find Lady Hamcester?"
  
  "I think you will find her Ladyship on the terrace, Sir." replies the butler.
  
  Hives carefully places a salad knife on the table.
  
  > ask Hives about Lord Hamcester
  "Ah, Hives, the very man," you say. "Where can I find Lord Hamcester?"
  
  "I think you will find his Lordship in his study, at present, Sir." replies the butler.
  
  Hives carefully places a butter knife on the table.
  
  > ask Hives about Major
  "So, Hives, old man," you say, "the Major seems like a lively chap."
  
  "I am given to understand that Major Buff-Orpington suffered a grave tragedy whilst on an expedition to the Amazon, sir. This, so I am told, is the reason for his somewhat, erratic behaviour, sir."
  
  "I see, and what was the nature of this grave tragedy, if you don't mind me asking?"
  
  "Not at all, sir. I understand that a close companion of the Major's, a mister Woodcock, was eaten by a snake, sir."
  
  Hives carefully places a salad knife on the table.
  
  > ask Hives about Woodcock
  "Who was this Cyril 'Woody' Woodcock, then?" you enquire.
  
  "I know very little, sir. Perhaps Lady Hamcester would be able to assist you."
  
  Hives carefully places a butter plate on the table.
  
  > ask Hives about Maude
  "How long, Hives, does it take to polish a doorhandle?" you ask.
  
  "A doorhandle, sir? About ten minutes, to get a good shine."
  
  "I see. Well, that maid of yours seems to be taking a deuce of a lot longer."
  
  "Indeed, sir? I shall speak with her at the earliest opportunity. Is it causing you a particular problem, sir?"
  
  "What? No! Just a general observation. Think no more about it."
  
  "Very good, sir."
  
  Hives carefully places an oyster fork on the table.
  
  > look at the door
  A sturdy door leading outside. It is closed and unlocked.
  
  > go west
  The library of an English country house is an oasis of calm amid the hubbub of domestic life; the perfect place, should one feel so inclined, for a spot of light murder. The library at Bunkham Hall has a long and chequered history, and its chequered floor still bears the faint traces of numerous chalk outlines. Tall walnut bookcases line walls of crimson silk damask. East is the great hall, and a closed door to the north takes you to Lord Hamcester's study.
  
  A leather wingback armchair lounges invitingly against the south wall. Today's edition of the Times lies discarded on the seat.
  
  > examine the clown
  You pull the book from the shelf and peruse it. The dust jacket of this pulp classic is adorned with a picture of a screaming skull. With a red nose.
  
  But there is no time for reading, so you replace it on the shelf.
  
  > look at the jove
  You pull the book from the shelf and peruse it. On the cover of this one a woman screams as a dagger-wielding hand emerges from a curtain to smite an unsuspecting vicar.
  
  But there is no time for reading, so you replace it on the shelf.
  
  > go to the north
  (first opening the study door)
  
  A small, cosy study, impeccably neat, with walnut panelling and a leather-topped desk of a similar complexion. There are a few homely touches; a framed newspaper clipping and a photograph hang on the wall beside you. A sturdy wooden chair faces the desk. The door, leading south into the library, is open.
  
  A ghastly amateur watercolour hangs above the desk.
  
  On the walnut desk is a pamphlet.
  
  Lord Hamcester sits at his desk, working on his speech.
  
  "Ah, Doctor Drake!" says Lord Hamcester, brightening. "Come to a decision already?"
  
  "Actually, no." you say, "I have found no evidence as yet that there is anything amiss with Major Buff-Orpington."
  
  "Nothing amiss?" cries Hamcester, pounding his desk and turning the colour of a glacé cherry. "What do you mean, nothing amiss? Yesterday he destroyed a garden ornament in the shape of a sphinx, mistaking it for a mountain lion. He's off his onion!"
  
  "He is a little high-spirited, perhaps, but no more, in my professional opinion, than might be accounted for by mere youthful vitality."
  
  "Youthful vitality?" says Hamcester, his colour darkening to that of a beetroot. "Hilary is forty-five!" He pounds the desk again, upsetting the ink pot all over his speech. "Damn it, Drake, now I shall have to start all over again! Get back out there and take a closer look at him. Spare no effort. And don't come back until you've found something amiss!"
  
  > examine lord
  Emerick Abercorn Welsummer, ninth Earl of Hamcester is short, stout and stern with jowls that would not look out of place on an English bulldog. One swinish eye regards you with scorn while the other appears to have found something much more interesting to look at on the other side of the room. He is neatly attired in an expensive three piece suit of a style that was à la mode when Queen Victoria was a girl. The corner of a handkerchief can be seen peeking from the breast pocket.
  
  > examine the handkerchief
  A white linen handkerchief.