text: [Themes: modern, humor]
  
  Ah yes, the internets. Forged in the great fires of Gore, the internet is truly a legend. Even the great Bush the Wise has told strange rumors of the internets (not a typo) mystical existence. It is a great tool that can be used for almost any aplication, but like all great technology, it can be misused... So be warned, for you are about to embark on an epic quest unlike any other.
  
  You sit inside your dingy little room in you'r mom's basement and look out your minscule
  window. It is raining (not that it matters anyway, you haven't been outside for years), and you are horribly bored. Looking around your room for something to do, you notice an archaic computer that your mom dumped in your room. On the moniter, a sticker proudly displays the slogan "NOW IN COLOR!" with a sexy picture of a young Bill Gates on it. Before you start getting strange and foriegn thoughts that make you question your very way of life, you decide to plug in the computer to see what kind of entertainment it can offer you.
  
  After the computer boots up, it crashes. You restart it. It crashes again. You hit it very hard. It starts up after 30 minutes. Wait a second, Windows 3.0, what the hell? Hmm, oh well, it seems to have three programs on it, AOL, Internet Explorer, and Firefox. Which one do you open?
  
  [Author's Note: Embark on an epic journey through the treacherous depths of the legendary internet! Delve into the meaningless pits of YTMND, the irrelevent fields of Fark, and who knows, maybe even a little bit of Pr0n. Are you 1337 enough?]
  
  > open Firefox
  You are no n00b, you know how much AOL just plain sucks and how unreliable Internet Explorer is. It's time to Take Back the Web (tm), one site at a time! You quickly conect
  to the peak of human society - the internet. Now that you are finally here however, You are a bit unsure of where you should go. You begin to think through some of the obvious choices...
  
  > go to YTMND.com
  A wise choice; YTMND is always a great place for a quick laugh - an ideal choice for your first stop on the internet. You quickly glance through the lists on the main page. It has been awhile since you have been here, so all of the sites on the lists are new. So many choices! You smile with childish glee - you'r like a kid in a candy store, but be warned - some of the candy in this store is notorious for its poison...
  
  > look through some of the all time most popular sites.
  Oh Captain Picard, you never fail to make me laugh! How your silly little song makes me smile! Wow, would you look at that, the captain Picard song has tons of hits! Everyone on the internet must know the
  guy who made that YTMND... If only you had those kind of skills... Well, who knows, maybe you could come up with your own idea! You may even create a new YTMND fad, or even a whole new internet fad! Yes, if you could create your own internet fad you would be, dare I say it, totally 1337! Yes, you have a quest! For once in your life, you have an organized goal. You must become who you were destined to be - the KING OF THE INTERNET! Yes, the current king of the internet is old and must be usurped! HA HA! YES! Yeah... well, uh... now what?
  
  > search the internet some more for ideas.
  Being that become the undisputed king of the internet doesn't just come to someone overnight, you stop
  to ponder what kind of things you could do. You encounter serious writers block, and realize that your only hope is to browse the internet for ideas. Where do you go first?
  
  > go to Newgrounds
  After a bit of YTMND, you figure that you should go to one of the next biggest places of birth for internet
  fads: Newgrounds! After all, All Your Base became really famous here, and the Numa guy submited his original flash to the portal! You doubt you have the skills to make a whole flash video, but perhaps you may find some ideas here.
  
  Being that become the undisputed king of the internet doesn't just come to someone overnight, you stop
  to ponder what kind of things you could do. You encounter serious writers block, and realize that your only hope is to browse the internet for ideas. Where do you go first?
  
  > go to FARK
  While thinking of what site you could go to, something strange happens. A faint yet menacing whisper echoes in the very back of your mind... "Fark.com", it says. A booming crack of thunder shakes your room. You look around nervously. Fearing what might happen if you refuse to heed the calls of the unknown, you type that fatefull adress into your browser. WWW.FARK.COM.
  As you click go, everything around you begins to look and feel hazy as if it was only half there. Eventually all that you know fades away, leaving nothing but you and your computer. You hear a strange noise in the distance. It grows slowly louder and louder, as lights begin to dance across your field of vision. The sounds and colors become more vivid, and you soon see that you are sitting in the middle of a desolate grey wasteland, with a small desk, your computer, and a huge monitor displaying your activities on the computer in front of you. Displayed on your computer is the FARK front page. Everywhere on the page you are bombarded with nonsensical descriptions of outrageous events accompanied by little childish pictures that describe their genre. Strange figures that seem ever-so-familiar yet freakishly alien float about the charred landscape, just waiting for you to make your next move. A tortured scream echoes throughout the stale air. Welcome to FARK.
  
  > get up and explore
  Feeling very bold, you decide to get up from your computer and explore your new alien surroundings. You walk for a bit, but quickly become disoriented due to the complete and utter lack of a landmark. Any feature that seems even remotley memorable will quickly change positions, or even phase in and out of existence.
  After a good deal of walking, you become hopelessly lost. Due to the fact that it has been years since your last physical activity, you are also exausted. You are just about to give up and just lie down and die, but before you can act upon your twisted thoughts, you trip on a jagged rock. Instead of hitting the ground, you just keep falling and falling, as if the ground was just an illusion. You have the sensation of falling for hours, despite a complete and utter blackness all around you. Then, everything stops. Either all of your senses have shut down, or everything has ceased to exist.
  Suddenly, great flames leap out all around you, a horrible stench of sulphur drifts through the air, tourmented hands grab at your ankles, and a ear bleadingly loud sinister laugh echos throughout all existence. A strange and horrible creature surrounded by beautiful women apears in front of you. "Welcome mortal, to my domain!" he yells in a voice so deep that it defied all forms of logic. "I am Drew Curtis, the creator of Fark!" screams the beast. It takes a moment for t
  his statement to sink in. You are now talking with the lord of darkness himself, the commander of the Farkian legions! Words fail to reach you, so Drew continues talking. "You are either very brave or very stupid to enter here, mortal. You were uninvited,". Drew gives you an insidious grin, "Tell me, mortal, how did you reach this place?" Says Drew in a strangely soothing voice.
  "I... I honestly don't know!" You cry out. It's the truth, after all, you just fell down here. Drew's expression changes to one of insane anger, "HOW DARE YOU ATTEMPT TO LIE TO THE GREAT DREW OF FARK? NONE MAY ENTER THIS DOMAIN WITHOUT INVITATION, TELL ME HOW DID YOU GET HERE?! I CAN NOT HAVE INTRUDERS JUST BEFORE THE GREAT INVASION!" Drew tries to calm himself down and continues, "I have worked to hard to gather up an army large enough to enslave the internet. I have taken over too many websites with my minions to stop now, so tell me, HOW DID YOU GET IN!?". You are too paralyzed with fear to make any kind of coherent statement. After a degree of time passes, Drew screams again and says, "THEN MAY YOU ROT FOREVER IN ETERNAL DAMNATION!"
  As soon as Drew says this, you feel the clawing hands at your ankles begin to pull at you. You sink downward into a mass of squirming clawed bodies. All is black, and your only sensation is that of utter pain due to the mass of claws ripping at your flesh. You begin to feel your consciousness slipping away. What do you do?
  
  > fight it! Crawl your way back up!
  I've had worse, you think to yourself. Not about to let a few freaky hands get you down, you bite your lip
  and crawl up out of the mass of twisting bodies. The pain is excrutiating, but you HAVE to get to the top! You climb and climb, and eventually your head breaks the surface. You close your eyes, and take a massive gulp of fresh air. Once you open your eyes again, you find yourself sitting in your room, at your desk, on your computer. You have no wounds on your body, but a part of you, (your soul perhaps?) still aches.
  You sit back in your chair and rest for a bit. Strange immages flash through your mind, and you are reminded of Drew Curtis' plot to take over the internet! Yes, you are sure that he told you he was preparing an invasion force. For years he and his minions had been trying to take over the internet one site at a time, and had taken over every site they came across, all of cource but one, the holy YTMND. With the dark ages of YTMND secretly caused by the Farkian army, Drew came inches away from dominating the bastion of internet popularity. In the end, the wise rule of the great Max saved YTMND, but they were not left without scars. To this day, Ackbar haunts the site, but it serves of a constant reminder of what the forces of FARK are capable of. Drew seemed serious this time though, you just know that if he tries to take YTMND again, he will this time be succesfull. You must gather re-enforcements right away!
  
  > turn to your last hope...
  You browse through your list of favorites, looking for old friends who might assist you. Your face
  lights up as you see an old friend - Tron Man! In his day, he was the greatest digital warrior on the internet, and fortunately, a good friend of yours as well. You quickly go to his site and access his private virtual reality chat room where he practices fighting the scum of the digital world!
  He is there, physically at least, but he is staring off into cyberspace, leaning on one of his cheezy flourecent blue walls with little lights running through them. He sees you, and gives a weak smile. You forget the formalities and cut right to the chase - you tell him your story and ask for your help.
  "I don't know," the ledgend replies, "I'm not the kind of warrior I used to be. I'm dying, my friend. People aren't as interested in me anymore, I don't have any power or infulence left!". Uh oh, this could be bad. If Tron Man is too upset to help you, you may be doomed! What do you do?
  
  > challenge him to a Lightbike (tm) race!
  Knowing Tron Guy, there is only one thing that could possibly cheer him up - A LIGHTBIKE RACE! "Grab your bike Tron Guy, it's time for you to get SERVICED!". Your sudden challenge takes Tron Guy by surprise, but he seems quite enthusiastic about the idea. He hits a few buttons on his Tron suit, and the small virtual room expands to a vast digital arena complete with two light bikes ready to roll.
  "You're on"
  Tron Guy hops on his bike; you do the same. The race is fast paced and heart pounding, (at least as fast paced and heart pounding as a game based on a cheezy 80s movie can be). You grip the handles of your bike as digital wind blows through your virtual hair. You both drive close to the right wall, charging forward with epic speed. Then, out of nowhere, Tron Guy makes a sharp turn to the left, and the back wall of the arena is coming up fast! Quick, what do you do!
  Okay, fine, you don't have to be quick, its just a little game, but really, did you have to ruin the atmosphere of it? You could just picture the heart pounding action of it all untill you had to scoff at it. Jerk.
  
  > make a hard left!
  Only a small gap remains between Tron Guy's light-trail and the wall of the arena, but you know that making a left is your only choice. You quickly take the gap before Tron Guy fills it, and accelerate. You get ahead of tron guy and make another hard left. You stop Tron Guy dead in his tracks, as he slams into your brilliant trap.
  The simulation ends, and Tron Guy looks at you with glee and respect, "Hey, you're pretty good. I haven't had a race like that in a long time, and you know what? It fills me with energy and confidence. As a soldier in the digital battlefield, I promise to help you with your fight against the forces of FARK! I still fear however that we may need aditional help. I have seen what the Farkian armies can do, and trust me, we alone can not defeat them."
  "Well," you say, "who do we get to help us?"
  Tron Guy shrugs, "I don't know, I have been secluded from the internet for too long, I'm afraid that you will have to find someone else for us."
  "Hmm..." you begin, "You know, I think I've got just the guy!"
  
  > say "Tourette's Guy!"
  "There is only one man in the world who can help us now!" you say, "Tourette's Guy," Says your cybernetic buddy, "that guy is an ASS! Ha ha ha ha!" You laugh at the childish humor for many minutes before you realize that this is no laughing matter! You have pressing work at hand! Tron Guy presses a few buttons on his handy suit-thingy, and you find yourself in a rather dilapidated living room with a strange, neck-braced man sitting in a ragged recliner. Upon your sudden arrival, he (not surprisingly) screams obscenities at you, and looks quite hostile. What do you do?
  
  > return in kind with even worse profanities!
  You are no n00b, you know exactly what is going on here, and you know exactly how to deal with it. with a stroke of pure brilliance, you begin with a rather simple line of profanity, and crescendo into a massive
  string of sheer profane madness! Your words begin to slur, as utterly new methods of swearing are espoused from your very mouth! Tourettes guy's jaw drops in sheer amazement. After a long pause, he is able to mutter, "You humble me, what the HELL do you want me to do ASS!?" You grin, for you know that this man (myth?) has exactly the kind of skills to win flame wars against even the most horrible of Farkians. You nod to Tron Guy, who begins to imput coordinates. A digital gate soon opens before you. "Come with me," you say, shrouded in a mysterious cloud of digital fog, "Our destiny awaits us."
  
  > Into the portal...
  You jump in triumphantly, for you know that this could be your last stand, the final epic battle to save the internet. Small scouts were awaiting your arrival in the bleak deathly desert that is Fark.com, but the combined skills of your unstopable trio are no match for them. The legendary flame-robot forum seige machine rises from the craggy depths of a nearby fissure, and begins to spit flames and insults at your party. Tourettes guy quickly retorts with a razor edged, if rather childish, insult. The robot, confused, begins to call you all Nazis, and promptly self-destructs. The defeat of the epic Farkian war-machine draws a lot of atention to you, and before you know it, hordes of Farkians are upon you. Tron guy throws his digital frisbee of death at them, which keeps them at bay, while Tourettes guy picks off at their self-esteem. More and more forces begin to envelop you, and you will be soon flanked on all sides. You see a quickly closing opening in the enemy armies, now is your last chance to escape the blunt of the fray!
  
  > tumble out of the conflict, and look for the real enemy...
  You know that the armies are infinite, and that you would be doomed if you continued to fight, so you quickly dash out of the fray in order to find the true enemy, Drew Curtis. You spot an ominous firey crag, and fearlessly dive in. You fall for what seems like hours, and eventually find yourself in a huge, burning cavern. A massive beast stands in front of you, screaming madly! "How dare you come to my lair, mortal?! No one sees the true form of Drew and lives!" The monster begins to swing his arms around in rage, and you narrowly escape being smashed by rocks and fists. Uh uh, this looks pretty bleak, what do you do?!
  
  > explot Drew's secret weakness that will cripple him and his armies, thus ending his riegn of terror and saving the day!
  After a highly anticlimactic, unrevealed struggle, you return home an unsung hero. Your final deeds were
  so epic, that no language known to man has been able to truly capture it, so I won't bother to describe it here. All you need to know is that you beat up Drew, and prevented the Farkian invasion, all in time to get back home for dinner. Due to the fact that you can't really articulate your victory, however, most people don't believe your story, and you aren't any more famous on the internet than when you were when you started your quest. In a bout of depression, you decide to do what has allways cheered you up in the past, look at pictures of Lindsey Lohan (you dirty pervert you). "Wait a second," you think, "These pictures look really simmilar... its almost like... she never changes facial expressions". Maybe you are on to something?