text: [Themes: love & dating, LGBT, serious, true story, romance, drama]
  
  I met her when I was fourteen. Let's just call her Mary which is, of course, not her real name.
  
  I immediately fell in love with her. At first, we were good friends. The best you could say. We told us everything, stayed up late just to talk to each other, laughed and cried together. We talked about everything that came to our mind. Mary was the most beautiful girl - no - human being I had met in my entire life. We used to tell each other that we loved us. Platonic.
  
  After years, she still is.
  
  It came to the day I told her how I feel. She didn't feel the same - at first.
  
  "Do you remember when you told me you loved me? In an other way that I do love you?"
  
  "Yes, I do."
  
  "How did you mean it?"
  
  "Why do you ask?"
  
  "Because I think I feel the same way."
  
  We tried. We really did. We hoped things would work between us.
  
  It didn't.
  
  I actually don't know why but I guess we were just too young.
  
  When we realized things wouldn't work out, we tried to be friends again. It worked.
  
  Three months after that, eventually things started to become awkward. We didn't talked as much as we used to, there were days we wouldn't even speak because we had nothing to say. But I still loved her. I thought she didn't. We never talked about it again.
  
  We stopped talking to each other.
  
  A year later I was in an unhealthy relationship. My Girlfriend cheated on me multiple times but I didn't care. I didn't love her. I just wanted to forget and feel loved.
  
  And then, she came back to my life. We started talking to each other again, about what had happened in our lives. I still loved her but I was sure she didn't.
  
  My girlfriend was jealous. I had no hope for Mary and me. I broke off contact.
  
  A bit later, I broke up with my girlfriend and things started to get better.
  
  I apologized to Mary and she forgave me. We became good friends again. We never talked about this again.
  
  Three years later, we still were friends. All this time, neither one of us had a serious relationship.
  
  And we weren't really good friends anymore either.
  
  We talked maybe two times in a week, sometimes just once in a month about completely random stuff.
  
  I still loved her.
  
  > Eventually, you met this girl
  Some years after I had told Mary how I felt for the first time I met a girl.
  
  She looked to be nice and kind. Oh how I was wrong.
  
  Mary and I still talked to each other from time to time.
  
  After a few months I plunged myself into the relationship with the other girl. She knew who Mary was and how things used to be between us. She didn't like her.
  
  I tried to convince her that this was all in the past. Although I couldn't convince myself that it was.
  
  I moved to my girlfriend, far far away from home. I left my friends, my family, everything I had. I left Mary, again.
  
  I was happy at first.
  
  The time I met Mary I had a huge depression going on. She had, too. Maybe that was the reason we got on so well.
  
  I stopped feeling bad all day, stopped taking pills.
  
  Sometimes I still thought about Mary. But I thought less and less of her.
  
  The day came I didn't think of her at all.
  
  My girlfriend had also a huge depression going on. Every time we had a fight she would run off and lock herself in the bathroom, cutting her flesh open with a razor blade. I knew some people used to do this but I never understood why. She said it was an addiction she couldn't get rid of. I believed her and felt sorry for her but I could not handle it. I could not handle her. She was abusive, manipulated me, threatened to kill herself every time I tried to end it.
  
  > The first time you tried
  "Why do you do this to yourself?" I yelled.
  
  "Because you lied, you are a lying piece of shit and I hate you!"
  
  "Are you serious? Yeah, I lied, I said that I had eaten it when I don't, is this such a big problem to you?"
  
  I never ate much actually. I wasn't unhealthy skinny, I was normal. I just did not have much appetite.
  
  It was so like her. Starting a drama because of something that wasn't even worth it. Yes, I lied. Do you wanna know why? Because she was always forcing me to eat.
  
  "I told you, you should never lie to me. Look at what you have done, this is all your fault!" she yelled from inside the bathroom.
  
  "No, it's not. And you know what? I can't do this anymore. I'm leaving you. I'm buying a train ticket. Right now!"
  
  She was silent for a moment.
  
  I heard a clicking noise. She was staying in front of me, covered in blood and tears.
  
  "No, please don't. You are everything I have. If you leave there is no reason for me to be alive."
  
  I thought about it.
  
  > What if?
  I bought a train ticket, packed my things and left.
  
  I was finally free. I immediately started talking to people again with whom I hadn't talked with for months.
  
  I heard the news after three days.
  
  I knew she had tried it several times in the past but never would I have thought that she would really do it.
  
  She did.
  
  She killed herself. And it was my fault.
  
  All because I left her. Because I was selfish and ignored a person who obviously needed help. I should have stayed. I should have cared. I could have helped her but I didn't. What did I think?
  
  Why was I such a bad person?
  
  I lived with this girl for so long. Why didn't I never do anything? Why wasn't I able to love her?
  
  The worst part was, I still thought of Mary. I still loved her.
  
  It was the worst feeling in the world.