text: [Themes: male protagonist, gender-neutral protagonist, parody]
  
  > Look around
  The tender light of the morning—or the very early evening—casts
  itself
  softly against the downy linen of spotless white tablecloths and the Italian flag hanging from the wall. The exit is south.
  
  You glance around meaningfully. Gina is nowhere to be seen.
  
  > Go west
  Craverly Manor is south from here. The hallway continues east.
  
  > Go south
  A gargantuan portrait of the hawk-eyed and hawk-nosed Leopold Craverly stares down at you from its perch on the mahogany-panelled wall. The exit is north.
  
  Standing beneath the portrait is Leopold Craverly himself, identical to his own image in every way. He eyes you sternly from his perch atop his snake-headed cane.
  
  > talk to Leopold
  "What's new over at Roland Memorial, Langridge?" Leopold asks.
  
  "It's Gina's daughter, Pauline. They can't afford the only procedure that will keep her alive. But, Mister Craverly, I know you are not an uncharitable man."
  
  Leopold lets loose a torrent of guffaws. "I think that sentence needs one more negative, Langridge! Of what concern to me is the situation of a girl I wouldn't recognize on the street?"
  
  Your response to this question is a glare like a polished silver dagger.
  
  > Continue
  "I beg you to reconsider Janine's plight, Mister Craverly," you say.
  
  "I think you mean Pauline. And I beg you to leave off the
  subject, Langridge!" answers Leopold in a mocking tone.
  
  > check your inventory
  You are carrying:
  a handgun
  a pair of sunglasses
  a framed photo
  a magnifying glass
  
  > look at Leopold
  Though his hair is silver-white, and his eyes have been furrowed by a lifetime of avarice and cynicism, Leopold still has many years left in his life, and many goals left to achieve in those years, no matter what or who stands in his way.
  
  "I beg you to reconsider Janine's plight, Mister Craverly," you say.
  
  "I think you mean Pauline. And I beg you to leave off the
  subject, Langridge!" answers Leopold in a mocking tone.
  
  > show the photo to Leopold
  "What's that there?" Craverly asks.
  
  "It's Wendell," you say. "Pauline's dog."
  
  "Ah, I see, I see. And how has he been doing?"
  
  "He died three years ago," you answer meaningfully, "Under mysterious circumstances."
  
  Craverly stares meaningfully back at you.
  
  > Point magnifying at photo
  You point the magnifying glass squarely at the framed photo.
  
  > examine photo
  A photo of Pauline's beloved golden retriever, Wendell. A faithful companion to his owner, and beloved of all citizens of Craverly Heights, Wendell was cut down before his time—under mysterious circumstances.
  
  > look through the magnifying glass
  You lean in for a closer look at the mahogany-panelled wall.
  
  > Point magnifying glass at Leopold
  You point the magnifying glass squarely at Leopold Craverly.
  
  > go to the south
  The break room is east from here. The hallway continues north.
  
  > go east
  An antique vending machine takes up most of the tiny room. The exit is west.
  
  On the table is a script.
  
  Lane is sitting around with a blank look on her face.
  
  > take the script
  Taken.
  
  > read script
  Two pages. The first page reads:
  
  If it's so easy, why don't you write it yourself?
  
  The second page is blank.
  
  > examine Lane
  Lane is wearing a pink blouse.
  
  > talk to Lane
  "Hey, Lane," you say. "Shouldn't you be down at the Pizzeria?"
  
  Lane's eyes widen. "Oh, shoot, sorry! Sorry!"
  
  She continues to apologize as she rushes out into the hall.
  
  > Go north
  The tender light of the morning—or the very early evening—casts
  itself
  softly against the downy linen of spotless white tablecloths and the Italian flag hanging from the wall. The exit is south.
  
  Gina is here, resolutely straightening things out in anticipation of the day's business.
  
  > talk to Gina
  "Pauline's insurance has run out," you say. Gina's expression descends into concern.
  
  "She needs a procedure, or she'll die," you continue. "Is there any way you can pay for it?"
  
  "This pizzeria is barely paying for its own bills," says Gina. "All the money I could have spent to save Pauline's life, I spent on my dream of becoming a restauranteur."
  
  "We all have to live with our mistakes," you say, "but Pauline may not have long to live with yours."
  
  Gina tries to hide her face.
  
  > show the photo to Gina
  Gina regards the photo sadly. "Oh, Wendell, you big lug. Why'd you have to leave us?" she asks.
  
  "You don't have any clues to the mystery of his death?" you ask.
  
  Gina regards you angrily. "Are you accusing me of something?" she asks.
  
  "Of course not," you answer.
  
  > Point magnifying glass at tablecloth
  You point the magnifying glass squarely at the white tablecloth.
  
  > wear the sunglasses
  You put on the pair of sunglasses.
  
  > talk to Gina
  "Hello, Gina," you say, your teeth flashing impishly from between your wily lips.
  
  Gina's face is a stoic cliff, carved from stone. "Sid. You're supposed to be in a federal prison."
  
  Your cackling is like an incoming thunderstorm. "People seem to think so! But I figure, wherever I am is where I'm supposed to be." You smirk.
  
  > About yourself
  You are Sidney Langridge, feared and hated in the town of Craverly Heights and beyond. Only in appearance are you identical to Doctor Langridge, for in words and deeds you are the polar opposite of your do-gooder twin.
  
  > talk to Gina
  "What are you still doing here?" asks Gina.
  
  "Wouldn't you like to know?" is your menacing reply.
  
  > point the gun at Gina
  You point the handgun squarely at Gina.
  
  Gina reels in shock at the sight of the gun that is pointed her way. She cringes audibly. You cackle ominously.
  
  > shoot gina
  Your gun screams as if in anger as it ejects its bullet straight into Gina's mortal coil. If she had any last words, it is too late for them now.
  
  She falls to the floor with a horrible slump, as dead as her Italian role model, Julius Caesar.
  
  > talk to Leopold
  "Hello, there, Leo!" you say.
  
  "Out of prison again," Leopold begins, and you say "Naturally!" as he says "I see." You both stop talking, and Leopold coughs, waiting for you to talk to him again.
  
  > talk to Leopold
  "Hello, there, Leo!" you say.
  
  "Out of prison again," Leopold says, and then he is quiet for a moment.
  
  "Naturally!" you say, too late, and Leopold shakes his head. "Sorry. Let's try it one more time."
  
  You shuffle your feet.
  
  > talk to Leopold
  "Hello, there, Leo!" you say.
  
  "Out of prison again," Leopold says, and you say "Naturally!"
  
  Leopold nods.
  
  > show the photo to Leo
  "You remember Wendell, right?"
  
  "Of course," Craverly sneers, "That's Gina's dog. I seem to recall it perished under mysterious circumstances?"
  
  "Cut the bull, Leo. We both know that I made Janine hit Wendell with her car after you saw him digging down at the train yard where we buried the jewels. I mean, Pauline."
  
  Craverly chortles. "And now you think I have the jewels? Well, even if I do, they're staying with me."
  
  > Point gun at Leo
  You point the handgun squarely at Leopold Craverly.
  
  "I want those jewels, old man!" you say, menacing the silver-haired millionaire with the gleaming barrel of your murderous weapon. "Are you going to play along, or are you going to die?"
  
  "All right, all right! Here!" Leopold draws a satchel out of his pocket and tosses it to you. "They're all there. Just leave me be!"
  
  You feel the heft of the satchel in your hand and smile a smug smile.
  
  > look at the satchel
  It's a small suede pouch, as luxurious as the prize it comtains.
  
  > open the satchel
  Yeah, it's empty.
  
  > show the photo to Gina
  "Where did you get that photo of my daughter's beloved golden retriever Wendell?" Gina asks indignantly and accusingly. You lick your lips menacingly.
  
  "So it's a crime to have a photo of a dog now?" you ask. "What is this world coming to?"
  
  Gina glares at you.
  
  > remove the glasses
  You take off the pair of sunglasses.
  
  > show the satchel to Pauline
  "What's in that bag, Doctor Langridge?" asks sweet, innocent Janine.
  
  You consider the question with all the weight it merits.
  
  "I have here some medicine. But it won't help you. It's a special medicine, for a different patient. I shouldn't tell you too much about it. Never mind."
  
  > show the photo to Pauline
  At the sight of her beloved departed dog, Pauline's expression sinks still further into the mire of melancholy.
  
  "Oh, Wendell," she mourns, on the verge of weeping. "If only you were here, I wouldn't feel nearly so awful. If I ever find out who took you from me..."
  
  "But Wendell's death was ruled an accident," you say.
  
  Pauline fixes you with as steely a glare as she can muster in her depleted state. "You don't believe that, do you?" she asks.
  
  "No," you say.
  
  > go east
  Janine's hospital room is west from here. The hallway continues south.
  
  There's a rack of shelves standing against this end of the hall.
  
  > wear the glasses
  You put on the pair of sunglasses.
  
  > go west
  The whirring and chirping of medical instruments is all around—a worrying commotion. The exit is east.
  
  Pauline, pale and frail, looks up at you confusedly from her supine position aboard her hospital bed.
  
  > talk to Pauline
  "Sidney!" Pauline's eyes widen as they detect your identity. "You shouldn't be here! What if the doctor, your twin, sees you?"
  
  "You leave the nerd to me, sugarbabe. I've been dealing with that clamshell since the day we were both born."
  
  > show the photo to Pauline
  Salty, unhappy tears well up in Pauline's eyes as she regards the image of her beloved dog. "I miss him so much," she says.
  
  "But you remember why we killed him, don't you?" you ask.
  
  "Of course. Wendell kept trying to dig up the place where we buried the jewels."
  
  "Yeah, well, right after I got out of prison I went back to that place, where we buried the jewels. But someone got there first. Someone dug them up."
  
  Pauline gasps. "But who else knew about the jewels?"
  
  "Only one person," you menacingly say.
  
  > show the satchel to Pauline
  "The jewels!" Pauline gasps, her breathlessness as much a factor of her surprise as a consequence of her illness. "Then you were able to convince..."
  
  "Mister Craverly, yes. The jewels are mine—ours, now."
  
  "Sidney, we can sell the jewels for the money for the medical treatment that will save my life!" Pauline's eyes are huge and wet beneath the hospital lights as they plaintively gaze upward into your own.
  
  "Sugarbabe, those were my thoughts exactly."
  
  PRESS ANY KEY TO CONTINUE✤✤✤
  
  "Why is Sidney nice all of a sudden?"
  
  "Well, I thought about just abandoning Janine, but I realized I had a chance to push things in a bold new direction."
  
  "It's Pauline. And that's not gonna work. People love Sidney the evil twin; they're not going to respond well to Sidney the altruist. Besides, Pauline has to stay sick until Lisa has her baby."
  
  "Oh. Do we need to shoot the whole thing again?"
  
  "There's no time. We'll figure something out."
  
  > talk to Pauline
  "Oh, Doctor Langridge," Pauline rasps, "Tell me some good news."
  
  "I wish I could," you say, "but the truth is that your condition is getting worse. And the even worse news is that your insurance won't pay for your procedure."
  
  Pauline's lip quivers.
  
  > Go east
  Pauline's hospital room is west from here. The hallway continues south.
  
  There's a rack of shelves standing against this end of the hall.
  
  > examine the flag
  The tricolor stands straight and proud and wide and true for all to see, a symbol of the deep respect and affection that Gina feels toward her heritage.
  
  > look at the tablecloths
  Like an expectant canvas is each tablecloth, ready to receive the masterpiece that is every one of Gina's pizzas.
  
  > wear tablecloth
  (first taking the white tablecloth)
  Moving that is someone else's job.
  
  > examine portrait
  The portrait may resemble Craverly even more than does Craverly himself. Art imitates life, yes: but life is messy, and inaccurate; art is perfect, and reflects the real world as it really is.
  
  > Point magnifying at portrait
  You point the magnifying glass squarely at the gargantuan portrait.
  
  > look through the magnifying
  You lean in for a closer look at the gargantuan portrait.
  
  > talk to Leo
  "What's new over at Roland Memorial, Langridge?" Leopold asks.
  
  "It's Gina's daughter, Pauline. They can't afford the only procedure that will keep her alive. But, Mister Craverly, I know you are not an uncharitable man."
  
  Leopold lets loose a torrent of guffaws. "I think that sentence needs one more negative, Langridge! Of what concern to me is the situation of a girl I wouldn't recognize on the street?"
  
  Your response to this question is a glare like a polished silver dagger.
  
  > talk to Leo
  "I beg you to reconsider Janine's plight, Mister Craverly," you say.
  
  "I think you mean Pauline. And I beg you to leave off the
  subject, Langridge!" answers Leopold in a mocking tone.
  
  > show the gun to Leo
  "A cute toy," Craverly says, clearly unimpressed by the instrument of death you present to him. "Be careful with it; you might break a window!" He guffaws enthusiastically at his own flimsy joke.
  
  > show the glasses to Leo
  Leopold Craverly is unimpressed.
  
  > show it to Lane
  Lane has already seen the script. She rolls her eyes. "I know, right?"
  
  > look at the vending
  There's one sticky note on the machine that says "OUT OF ORDER", and there's another sticky note that says "THIS MACHINE OWES ME $7000".
  
  > talk to Lane
  "Hey, Lane," you say. "Shouldn't you be down at the Pizzeria?"
  
  Lane's eyes widen. "Oh, shoot, sorry! Sorry!"
  
  She continues to apologize as she rushes out into the hall.
  
  > take the note
  You can't lug this vending machine around. It's the real thing.
  
  > talk to Gina
  "What about Pauline's father?" you ask. "Could he pay for the procedure?"
  
  "Doc, Pauline's father isn't in Antibes." Your jaw slackens at the sound of Gina's revelation. "The fact is, I don't know who Pauline's father is."
  
  Your expression is one of shock.
  
  > show the gun to Gina
  Gina regards your gun with a skeptic's pair of eyes. "Why would a doctor need a gun?" she asks.
  
  "We doctors need a lot of things," you answer meaningfully.
  
  > show the script to Gina
  Gina is utterly boggled by the papers you present to her. "I have no idea what this is," she says. "Did you get this back at the hospital?"
  
  "Yes, Gina," you say. Of course you did.
  
  "Then maybe they'll hold some interest to Pauline. If she has the strength to read them," Gina adds bitterly.
  
  > look at Janine
  You gaze down meaningfully at Pauline, at her once-soft features cast into sharp relief by the mysterious illness that wracks her youthful form.
  
  "Can't anything be done, Doctor Langridge?" Pauline asks pitifully.
  
  "I'll talk to your mother," you say, though your countenance does not indicate confidence.
  
  > show the script to Pauline
  You place the papers gingerly in Pauline's delicate hands.
  
  "Are these...the test results?" Pauline asks.
  
  "Yes, Janine," you say. Of course they are.
  
  "What do they say?"
  
  You bite your lip thoughtfully. "I still need to analyze them," you say. "I'll let you know once I'm finished."
  
  > go east
  Janine's hospital room is west from here. The hallway continues south.
  
  There's a rack of shelves standing against this end of the hall.
  
  > show the script to Leo
  "What's this?" Leopold asks, eyeing the papers with inexplicable contempt.
  
  "These are test results," you say. "Pauline's test results."
  
  "Ah! I will attempt an impersonation of someone who cares, then: What do they say?"
  
  You glare at the old man, at his hateful face. "I haven't figured that out. Yet."
  
  "Of course! I expect nothing more from the greatest doctor in Craverly Heights." Leopold guffaws.
  
  > Point magnifying at script
  You point the magnifying glass squarely at the set of test results.
  
  > show the photo to Pauline
  At the sight of her beloved departed dog, Pauline's expression sinks still further into the mire of melancholy.
  
  "Oh, Wendell," she mourns, on the verge of weeping. "If only you were here, I wouldn't feel nearly so awful. If I ever find out who took you from me..."
  
  "But Wendell's death was ruled an accident," you say.
  
  Pauline fixes you with as steely a glare as she can muster in her depleted state. "You don't believe that, do you?" she asks.
  
  "No," you say.
  
  > show the results to Gina
  "I wanted to show you these test results," you say, thrusting the papers in to Gina's motherly hands. She looks them over with an expression that changes from skeptical, to interested, to astonished.
  
  "Doc! This means..."
  
  You lean in closer.
  
  "This means..." Gina stammers, "Pauline's father is..."
  
  Your eyes widen. Of course!
  
  > talk to Gina
  "What are you still doing here?" Gina cries. "Pauline needs to know about her real father! And so does...her father.
  
  > talk to Pauline
  Pauline looks up at you, beautiful tears welling in her still more beautiful eyes. "Please, Doctor Langridge! Talk to my father! He might be able to help!"
  
  > show the results to Leo
  "What's this?" Leopold asks, eyeing the papers with inexplicable trepidation.
  
  "These are test results. Pauline's test results," you say, extremely meaningfully. "They constitute conclusive proof that you are Pauline's father."
  
  The weight of this revelation nearly knocks Leopold onto the floor. He grasps his cane all the tighter, and mutters:
  
  "Nineteen years ago... The train tunnel collapse!"
  
  "The underground gases that seeped into the tunnel caused amnesia in all of the passengers," you explain. "Nobody on the train could remember what happened before the rescue team arrived. But now we know about one thing that definitely did happen. You and Gina conceived a child, a child that desperately needs a medical procedure she can't afford."
  
  "I'll pay every cent!" Leopold is on the verge of tears. "I have a daughter! The Craverly line will go on!"
  
  PRESS ANY KEY TO CONTINUE✤✤✤
  
  "And fade to black. See? Everything worked out fine."
  
  "So Pauline's gonna be okay?"
  
  "Of course! We were never gonna kill her off. She has to stay in that bed until Lisa has her baby, but we'll figure that out."
  
  The director leans back and sighs. "Now, you guys did a good job out there today. I don't want to diminish the enormity of your accomplishment. But before we get working on #6002, we gotta get one thing done."
  
  > talk to Pauline
  "Oh, Doctor Langridge," Pauline rasps, "Tell me some good news."
  
  "I wish I could," you say, "but the truth is that your condition is getting worse. And the even worse news is that your insurance won't pay for your procedure."
  
  Pauline's lip quivers.
  
  > show the script to him
  "What's this?" Leopold says, eyeing the papers with inexplicable contempt. "Some document you found at the hospital?"
  
  "Yes," you say.
  
  "Then I can safely assume that it does not concern me!" Craverly punctuates his statement with a triumphant guffaw.
  
  > show the script to Leo
  "What's that you've got there?" Leopold asks.
  
  You smirk with unconscionable smugness. "It's a script. I'm gonna be a star," you say.
  
  "I imagine you must think so. But you're no star, Sidney. You're a black hole."
  
  You grimace at the disquieting veracity of Leopold's words.
  
  > show the script to Gina
  "This is the deed to my new condo," you tell Gina. She cranes her head to get a better look at the mysterious papers while maintaining a safe distance from your crime-ridden form.
  
  "I hope it's far away from here," she says.
  
  "Nice try," you say, "But I'll never tell the likes of you where it is!"
  
  > shoot Leo
  "Come now, Sidney, calm yourself!" the old man cries, but it is too late for him. You fire the gun into his heart, the heart that could never bring itself to feel love. It will never feel anything again.
  
  Craverly falls to the floor, dead.
  
  > examine Leo
  Leopold thought he would live long enough to see all of his dreams come true. Now you know that his belief was false.
  
  > show the gun to Gina
  "Is that the gun you used to shoot the mayor?" Gina asks.
  
  "Nah, this gun is innocent," you say, quickly adding: "And so am I!"
  
  > hug Pauline
  You plant a long, meaningful kiss on Pauline's quivering lips. "It's been so long," she sighs.
  
  > show the script to her
  "What's that?" Pauline asks.
  
  You shake the papers triumphantly. "This is my certificate of release! From prison! They give you a certificate that says you aren't supposed to be incarcerated anymore, in case a cop tries to toss you back in the slammer."
  
  "I didn't know that," says Pauline.
  
  > talk to Pauline
  "You came back for me, Sidney," Pauline says, her chest working double-time to force the words out of her lungs.
  
  "I sure did, sugarbabe."
  
  > show the gun to her
  "Nice gun," Pauline says.
  
  "Thanks," you say, menacingly.
  
  > show the photo to her
  Salty, unhappy tears well up in Pauline's eyes as she regards the image of her beloved dog. "I miss him so much," she says.
  
  "But you remember why we killed him, don't you?" you ask.
  
  "Of course. Wendell kept trying to dig up the place where we buried the jewels."
  
  "Yeah, well, right after I got out of prison I went back to that place, where we buried the jewels. But someone got there first. Someone dug them up."
  
  Pauline gasps. "But who else knew about the jewels?"
  
  "Only one person," you menacingly say.
  
  > show the photo to her
  "Have you talked to the one other person who knew about the jewels yet?" Pauline asks.
  
  > shoot Pauline
  You fire into Pauline's chest. The crack of the gunshot is drowned out by her desperate scream—but, an instant later, her screaming ends. She's dead.
  
  "So what happens now?"
  
  "First of all, none of that happened."
  
  "You mean like, we're gonna say it was a dream?"
  
  "No, I mean we're going to scrap all of it and start from scratch. Nobody had a dream, nobody got shot, nothing. We're going to air a rerun. Then we're going to hire a new writer, and we're going to do a real episode, with a plot. And you are forbidden
  from improvising. Never again."
  
  > About yourself
  You are Doctor Langridge, mentor to some, friend to many, and healer to all of the citizens of Craverly Heights. Everyone in town knows your name. It is Doctor Langridge.
  
  > Kiss lane
  Lane pushes you away. "Save it for later, all right?"
  
  > Kiss gina
  "What are you doing?" Gina asks as you approach her.
  
  "Let me show you," you say, as you put your arms around her body and tenderly meet her lips against yours. Gina yields passionately to your embrace.
  
  But then the moment is over. "This can never happen again," Gina whispers.
  
  > Continue
  You kiss Gina again. Again you feel the warmth of bodily contact that you have been craving for so long. Again Gina says that this can never happen again.
  
  > Kiss gina
  Gina rebuffs your amorous advance. "Sidney, I wouldn't kiss you with my dead husband's mouth."
  
  > Kiss leo
  You rush boldly up to Leopold and, before he can react, you softly grab his head and press your lips against his lips. The meeting of your bodies is an explosive event, but it is not accompanied by a meeting of hearts.
  
  "Oh, Langridge," Leopold mutters, still embraced by your arms, "I left my chances for love behind a long time ago. Don't turn out like me—don't hold out hope for something that can never be."
  
  With an expression of tremendous emotion, you step away from him.
  
  > Kiss leo
  Leopold pushes you away. "Forget it, Sid. I'm not one of those young people who melts in half when a criminal comes on to him.