text: [Themes: Humor, Cave crawl, humor, cave crawl, cave, male protagonist]
  
  > describe your surroundings
  Cavernous cave (on the west ledge)
  Once again it's an abyss, a west ledge and an east ledge.
  An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. A metal door, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast. An exit to the outside, reachable from the west ledge, goes north.
  A large wooden crank sticks out from the east wall above the ledge.
  
  On the east ledge you can see:
  Your goblin sidekick.
  
  > go to the north
  A narrow mountain ledge leading east. To the south is a tall mountain wall, with a cave.
  
  You can see a pink-eyed hamster here.
  
  The hamster manages to bite one of your toes. You scream and jump back.
  
  > hit the hamster with the staff
  The pink-eyed hamster vanishes.
  
  The fat fish appears.
  
  You notice that the pink-eyed hamster is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.
  
  > go east
  A narrow mountain ledge leading west. To the south is a tall mountain wall. A metal door leads southwest.
  A red mailbox (for outgoing mail) is attached to the south wall.
  
  A huge wooden crate stands here. Stamps have been attached to it, and somebody has written something on it. Guess it was too big to fit in the mailbox. It is closed.
  
  > read 73
  Is it bigger than a big rock?
  Yes: read page 74
  No: read page 75
  
  > read 75
  What kind of eyes does it have?
  Pink: read page 76
  Cute: read page 77
  None: read page 78
  
  > read 76
  It is a Devil Hamster. These creatures have a bad reputation, and can be a little wild, but all they really need is love. Just pet it enough, and it will be your friend for life.
  
  > read 77
  It is an ?s?s?t Cat. They lack a digestive system and cannot eat. They derive their energy from people petting them. They are the third cutest creatures in the world. Fairly harmless, although people have been known to die from exhaustion after petting them too much.
  
  > read 78
  It is a Wigfield. These small hairy creatures form symbiotic relationships with bald or balding humans by clutching onto their heads. The humans then appear to have hair, whilst the Wigfield suck minuscule amounts of blood from them. Harmless.
  
  > read the crate
  "To: The king of Norway
  The Norwegian Castle
  Norway
  
  From: Melvin Hippoman
  Cave 7318
  Treasure Cave Mountain.
  
  Congratulations on your birthday old buddy!"
  
  Hmmmmm. The Norwegian castle. It would probably have lots of treasures, if only there was some way you could get there.
  
  > open the door
  The door is locked.
  
  > unlock door
  What do you want to unlock the door with?
  
  > Open crate
  You open the crate. It contains:
  A small black book: "Beyond the Meaning of Life" by Marvin Bronchitis.
  
  You wonder why somebody would use such a big crate to send such a small book.
  
  > read the book
  You flip through the book. Looks like philosophy. Hmmmm. Here is a logical proof that gods cannot exist! What utter rubbish! You have met several!
  
  A gust of wind pushes the lid of the crate, and the crate closes.
  
  > Open crate
  You open the crate. It contains:
  A small black book: "Beyond the Meaning of Life" by Marvin Bronchitis.
  
  > enter the crate
  You get into the crate.
  
  A gust of wind pushes the lid of the crate. The lid bounces into you, and moves back to where it was.
  
  > wait
  Time passes.
  
  > wait
  A gust of wind pushes the lid of the crate. The lid bounces into you, and moves back to where it was.
  
  > Lie
  (on top of the crate)
  But you are already in the crate.
  
  > close the crate
  Actually, the crate is not big enough to fit you when it is closed. It wouldn't even be big enough to fit the goblin.
  
  > Leave
  You get out off the crate.
  
  A gust of wind pushes the lid of the crate, and the crate closes.
  
  > open the mailbox
  Never mind the mailbox.
  
  > Go west
  A narrow mountain ledge leading east. To the south is a tall mountain wall, with a cave.
  
  > go south
  Cavernous cave (on the west ledge)
  Once again it's an abyss, a west ledge and an east ledge.
  An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. A metal door, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast. An exit to the outside, reachable from the west ledge, goes north.
  A large wooden crank sticks out from the east wall above the ledge.
  
  On the east ledge you can see:
  Your goblin sidekick.
  
  > go to the south-west
  Over-sized cave (on the east ledge)
  This cave is almost identical to the previous, with an abyss, a west ledge and an east ledge.
  An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. Another exit, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast.
  A small catapult, about as tall as you, is standing on the west ledge, aimed towards the east ledge. You have come across this type of catapult before. They are very easy to use, just put something in it, and it will be shot out automatically before the catapult adjusts itself so that it is ready to shoot again. These catapults are no longer being sold due to the large number of accidents they have caused.
  A large wooden crank sticks out from the east wall above the ledge.
  A narrow stone bridge goes from the east side of the room to the west, just below the ledges.
  
  > go southwest
  Commodious cave (on the east ledge)
  A wide abyss fills almost the entire floor in this cave, with only two stone ledges to stand on. Both ledges go from the south end to the north end of the cave. One ledge comes out from the west wall, the other from the east wall.
  An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. Another exit, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast.
  A large button sticks up from the middle of the east ledge.
  A narrow stone bridge goes from the east side of the room to the west, just below the ledges.
  
  This cave has exits to the southwest and northeast.
  A large wooden crank sticks out from a wall.
  A lizard as long as your arm is clutched to the wall, high above the crank, its head facing downwards. It has huge bulging eyes. It is red, orange, yellow, blue, purple, pink, brown, gray and black.
  
  > Go southwest
  An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the west. There is another exit to the northeast. Someone has chiseled gaps into the cave wall, forming a primitive ladder leading up to a hole in the ceiling.
  A table made from human skulls stands near the northeast exit. On the table stands a shimmering pink translucent cube and a small, rusty, holy grail.
  A small round stage stands close to the table. It is apparently made from human faces frozen in terrible screams.
  A small flamingo-headed man sits behind the table in a comfortable-looking armchair covered in obviously fake giraffe fur. He is wearing a jester's suit, including a ridiculous hat with bells on. He is staring at the pink cube.
  An armadillo-headed woman in a white toga sits next to him on a barstool made from green shimmering flames. She is reading a small orange book called "The Myth of Economics".
  A big pile of ashes lies next to her.
  
  > give book to the woman
  (the Beyond the Meaning of Life to the armadillo-headed woman)
  The armadillo-headed woman takes the book and starts reading. She reads faster than you have ever seen anybody read before. "Hmmmmm," she mutters. "This is slightly less pathetic that I thought it would be." She quickly turns a few more pages. "But what's this? The author says the existence of gods is logically impossible. Ha!" She quickly reads through about twenty more pages and wrinkles her brow. "His arguments are pretty good though. Surely there must be a flaw in his logic somewhere?" She quickly reads through the rest of the book. "Nope, there wasn't." With a loud pop she disappears. Shortly afterwards the flames in her barstool die down.
  
  There is a flickering image inside the cube. The flamingo-headed man giggles and says, "Some woman in Brazil just stepped on a beehive."
  
  > look
  An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the west. There is another exit to the northeast. Someone has chiseled gaps into the cave wall, forming a primitive ladder leading up to a hole in the ceiling.
  A table made from human skulls stands near the northeast exit. On the table stands a shimmering pink translucent cube and a small, rusty, holy grail.
  A small round stage stands close to the table. It is apparently made from human faces frozen in terrible screams.
  A small flamingo-headed man sits behind the table in a comfortable-looking armchair covered in obviously fake giraffe fur. He is wearing a jester's suit, including a ridiculous hat with bells on. He is staring at the pink cube.
  A big pile of ashes lies behind the table.
  
  > stand on the stage
  You get on the stage.
  
  The flamingo-headed man turns around and looks at the stage.
  
  Suddenly a palm tree appears on the stage. You begin to walk towards it. You can't control your body. You stand just underneath the tree. A coconut falls from the tree onto your head. The flamingo-headed man giggles. The palm tree and coconut vanish.
  
  > wait
  Time passes.
  
  Suddenly a small black cloud appears, hovering somewhere above the other side of the stage. You begin to walk towards it. You can't control your legs. You stop when you are standing directly under the cloud. Lightning strikes down from the cloud and hits you. The flamingo-headed man giggles. The cloud vanishes.
  
  > Leave
  You get off the stage.
  
  The flamingo-headed man turns around and looks at the pink cube.
  
  > Is
  A staff (with the hamster)
  A fat fish
  A saxophone
  A knife (sharpened)
  A bottle (open)
  A healing gun
  A manual
  A severed finger (with a ring)
  A severed head top
  A nosehairscrew (in your nose)
  
  You are wearing:
  Mirrorshades
  Boxer shorts.
  
  > get the ashes
  Never mind the ashes.
  
  > play the sax
  The unearthly blare spewing forth from the instrument is hideous beyond comprehension. Your bones shiver from the obvious evil infusing every resonance of the soul-quenching noise and you feel like the eldritch sounds tear your mind apart and play ping-pong with your sanity. You were never a big fan of saxophone music.
  
  Suddenly a small black cloud appears, hovering somewhere above the other side of the stage. You begin to walk towards it. You can't control your legs. You stop when you are standing directly under the cloud. Lightning strikes down from the cloud and hits you. The flamingo-headed man giggles. The cloud vanishes.
  
  > Leave
  You get off the stage.
  
  The flamingo-headed man turns around and looks at the pink cube.
  
  There is a flickering image inside the cube. The flamingo-headed man giggles and says, "Some woman in Russia just got hit in the head by a coco-nut."
  
  > put the fish on the stage
  As you put the fat fish on the stage, the faces start to wiggle. It looks quite creepy. This makes the fat fish slide down on the floor.
  
  > touch the fish with the staff
  The fat fish vanishes.
  
  The hamster appears.
  
  You notice that the fat fish is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.
  
  The hamster runs up to you and bites you on the toe. Then it runs off in the direction you found it.
  
  > Go northeast
  Commodious cave (on the west ledge)
  A wide abyss fills almost the entire floor in this cave, with only two stone ledges to stand on. Both ledges go from the south end to the north end of the cave. One ledge comes out from the west wall, the other from the east wall.
  An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. Another exit, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast.
  A large button sticks up from the middle of the east ledge.
  A narrow stone bridge goes from the east side of the room to the west, just below the ledges.
  
  Over-sized cave (on the west ledge)
  This cave is almost identical to the previous, with an abyss, a west ledge and an east ledge.
  An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. Another exit, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast.
  A small catapult, about as tall as you, is standing on the west ledge, aimed towards the east ledge. You have come across this type of catapult before. They are very easy to use, just put something in it, and it will be shot out automatically before the catapult adjusts itself so that it is ready to shoot again. These catapults are no longer being sold due to the large number of accidents they have caused.
  A large wooden crank sticks out from the east wall above the ledge.
  A narrow stone bridge goes from the east side of the room to the west, just below the ledges.
  
  > enter the catapult
  Nah, you figure you are just a tiny tad too heavy to be thrown across the abyss by the catapult.
  
  > Go northeast
  Cavernous cave (on the west ledge)
  Once again it's an abyss, a west ledge and an east ledge.
  An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. A metal door, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast. An exit to the outside, reachable from the west ledge, goes north.
  A large wooden crank sticks out from the east wall above the ledge.
  
  On the east ledge you can see:
  Your goblin sidekick.
  
  > Go north
  A narrow mountain ledge leading east. To the south is a tall mountain wall, with a cave.
  
  > Go east
  A huge wooden crate stands here. Stamps have been attached to it, and somebody has written something on it. Guess it was too big to fit in the mailbox. It is closed.
  
  > Open crate
  You open the crate. It is empty.
  
  > enter the crate
  You get into the crate.
  
  > hit yourself with staff
  Suddenly you are somewhere else.
  
  You are standing close to the center of a wonderful huge ballroom. There are exits in all directions, and there is an open window in the ceiling.
  The biggest, gaudiest chandelier you have ever seen lights the room.
  A birthday cake, which is taller than you, stands in a corner.
  A banner hangs from wall to wall.
  The fat queen of Norway stands near you. She looks rather bewildered. The princess of Finland is close by. She is holding a glass box with a small tag attached to it. Inside the box is a blue and pink bird.
  A large silver cage stands right next to you. It has quite wide gaps between the bars, but not wide enough for a person to go through. A large tag is hanging from it. Inside the cage is a bat, which is larger than you.
  Some guards stand in a circle around you. They are all holding crossbows.
  A huge crowd is spread around the room. It consists of royalty, ambassadors and ministers, all dressed up in their finest clothes and many of them holding presents. They all look rather shocked.
  The prime minister of Norway is being chased around the room by the hamster.
  
  A mail-ordered short metal staff with a clear orb on the end lies here. Its manufacturers say the staff will remove any creature that comes in contact with the orb. Inside the orb you can see the fat king of Norway. He is now tiny and unmoving.
  
  A huge wooden crate stands here. Stamps have been attached to it, and somebody has written something on it. It is open.
  
  The prime minister runs out the southeast exit, followed by the hamster.
  
  > get the staff
  Taken.
  
  The bat says, "Hey buddy! Seems like we are both in trouble. If you can get me out of this cage, I'll get you out of the castle!"
  
  > read the tag
  Which do you mean, the large tag or the small tag?
  
  > read the large tag
  "To the King of Norway
  From the Duke of Brujljewjhutten
  49 hoorays from me!"
  
  One of the guards says, "Hva er det som skjer? Har kongen forvandle seg til denna fyren?"
  
  > talk to the bat
  "What am I supposed to do?" you ask.
  "Get me out of this cage."
  
  One of the guards says, "Nei, jeg tror kongen har forsvinni!"
  
  > hit the bat with the staff
  The bat vanishes.
  
  The fat king of Norway appears inside the large cage.
  
  You notice that the bat is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.
  
  A man in the crowd screams "Det er revolusjonen!" Panic breaks out among the crowd, people shout and run away in all directions. The princess screams and escapes through the west exit. In her haste she drops the glass box, which shatters. The bird flies up and sits in the chandelier. The guards aim their crossbows at you.
  
  > hit yourself with the staff
  Suddenly you are somewhere else.
  
  You are standing in the middle of a small dirty cell. The only light comes from a small window with bars. A wooden bench is attached to a wall. A couple of rats are scampering around. In front of you stand two guards. The first is holding a crossbow aimed at you. The other is holding your staff. Inside the orb you can see a rat, tiny and unmoving.
  "Vi skj?nte nok ?ssen staven din virka!" says the first guard. "S? n? sitter'u i fella!"
  "Ja!" says the other. "Du m? bli her ei hel uke! Ha-ha-ha!"
  They leave through a massive iron door. It slams shut, and you can hear the sound of it being locked.
  
  > hit the fish with staff
  You lift the fish up to hit it with your staff. Suddenly one of the guards fires. The arrow hits the fish, which is pulled out of your hand. Both fish and arrow disappear out the northeast exit.
  "Jeg trur han p?nska p? no' med den fisken!" says the guard that shot. "Ja!" says a couple of the other guards.
  
  The king says, "?ffer er jeg her inne a?"
  
  > throw the staff at the bird
  You throw the staff. It hits the chandelier and falls down without hurting the bird.
  
  A guard says, "Hva gj?r vi n? a?"
  
  > hit the queen with the staff
  The queen of Norway vanishes.
  
  The bat appears.
  
  You notice that the queen of Norway is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.
  
  The bat says, "Hey, great going buddy! Now jump up on my back, and let's blow this joint!"
  You climb onto the bat's back, holding onto his fur. The bat takes off, up towards the window. An arrow swishes past your head.
  "Ah, drat!" says the bat and flies behind the chandelier.
  Many arrows hit the chandelier. You look down. The guards have moved into the center of the room, right below the window, and they are shooting at you. The arrows keep hitting the chandelier, wich shakes. This apparently spooks the bird, and it takes off. For a moment it looks as if it is going to fly out the window, but then it starts flying in circles just below it.
  The bat says, "We can't make it to the window, we'll be shot to death. We need to get rid of them guards!"
  
  > cut the chandelier with the knife
  Never mind the chandelier.
  
  The bat says, "Buddy, we are in up to our necks in trouble. You better figure out something."
  
  > play the sax
  The unearthly blare spewing forth from the instrument is hideous beyond comprehension. Your bones shiver from the obvious evil infusing every resonance of the soul-quenching noise and you feel like the eldritch sounds tear your mind apart and play ping-pong with your sanity. You were never a big fan of saxophone music.
  
  The arrows make the chandelier shake.
  
  > Is
  A staff (with the queen)
  A saxophone
  A knife (sharpened)
  A bottle (open)
  A healing gun
  A manual
  A severed finger (with a ring)
  A severed head top
  A nosehairscrew (in your nose)
  
  You are wearing:
  Mirrorshades
  Boxer shorts.
  
  > pour the bottle on the guards
  You can't do that from the bat's back.
  
  The arrows make the chandelier shake.
  
  > hit the bird with the staff
  The bird vanishes.
  
  The fat queen of Norway appears in the air, and immediately falls down right on top of the guards. They all go "Ompf!"
  
  The bat laughs and flies out the window.
  "Where to, buddy?" he asks.
  "You know where Treasure Cave Mountain is?"
  "Sure do, kid! Hang on!" the bat flaps his wings, and speeds up a lot. You really do have to hang on.
  
  The trip takes a day and a night. On the way you get caught up in a hurricane, attacked by a flock of ducks, and hit by lightning. The lightning causes you to drop the staff, and it falls into a lake. After that the trip is eventless. Finally you can see Treasure Cave Mountain. You must have been gone several weeks, it is covered in snow!
  
  The bat flies down and hovers next to the ledge on the north side of the mountain. You jump off.
  "Anything else I can do for you buddy?" asks the bat.
  "Well, there's this locked door..."
  "Say no more, say no more." The bat grabs the door with his massive claws, flaps his wings and flies backwards. There is a terrible sound as the door is torn from its hinges. The bat drops the door; it disappears far below.
  "Hey, thanks a lot!" you say.
  "Yeah, thanks to you too! And good luck!" The bat waves a claw, and flies away.
  You hear some moaning from the southwest.
  
  A narrow mountain ledge leading west. To the south is a tall mountain wall. There is a cave to the southwest.
  A red mailbox (for outgoing mail) is attached to the south wall.
  The ground is covered in snow.
  
  > Go southwest
  Cavernous cave (on the east ledge)
  Once again it's an abyss, a west ledge and an east ledge.
  An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. An exit to the outside, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast. An exit to the outside, reachable from the west ledge, goes north.
  A large wooden crank sticks out from the east wall above the ledge.
  
  The goblin sidekick is lying here, looking half dead and very thin.
  
  "Goblin," you say. "how have you been?"
  "You bastard! You left me here for all those weeks! I'm starving to death! Get me something to eat!"
  
  > shoot the gun at Goblin
  (the goblin sidekick)
  You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the goblin. The goblin smiles and wiggles his ears. He looks at his foot. "Hey, my toe fungus is gone!" he says.
  
  > go to the northeast
  A narrow mountain ledge leading west. To the south is a tall mountain wall. There is a cave to the southwest.
  A red mailbox (for outgoing mail) is attached to the south wall.
  The ground is covered in snow.
  
  > go west
  You are not testing The Pebble That Protects You From Falling Down From Really High Places this month. It was a complete scam anyway.
  
  > go to the south-west
  Cavernous cave (on the east ledge)
  Once again it's an abyss, a west ledge and an east ledge.
  An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. An exit to the outside, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast. An exit to the outside, reachable from the west ledge, goes north.
  A large wooden crank sticks out from the east wall above the ledge.
  
  The goblin sidekick is lying here, looking half dead and very thin.
  
  > give finger to Goblin
  (the goblin sidekick)
  You can't give away things that are stuck on your body.
  
  > give the severed finger to Goblin
  (the goblin sidekick)
  You give your severed finger to the goblin.
  
  The goblin throws the finger into his mouth, briefly chews on it, then swallows it, ring and all. The goblin gets up and says, "I'm feeling much better now, boss!"
  
  > Go northeast
  A narrow mountain ledge leading west. To the south is a tall mountain wall. There is a cave to the southwest.
  A red mailbox (for outgoing mail) is attached to the south wall.
  The ground is covered in snow.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > go west
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > Go south
  Cavernous cave (on the west ledge)
  Once again it's an abyss, a west ledge and an east ledge.
  An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. An exit to the outside, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast. An exit to the outside, reachable from the west ledge, goes north.
  A large wooden crank sticks out from the east wall above the ledge.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > Go southwest
  Over-sized cave (on the east ledge)
  This cave is almost identical to the previous, with an abyss, a west ledge and an east ledge.
  An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. Another exit, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast.
  A small catapult, about as tall as you, is standing on the west ledge, aimed towards the east ledge. You have come across this type of catapult before. They are very easy to use, just put something in it, and it will be shot out automatically before the catapult adjusts itself so that it is ready to shoot again. These catapults are no longer being sold due to the large number of accidents they have caused.
  A large wooden crank sticks out from the east wall above the ledge.
  A narrow stone bridge goes from the east side of the room to the west, just below the ledges.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  Commodious cave (on the east ledge)
  A wide abyss fills almost the entire floor in this cave, with only two stone ledges to stand on. Both ledges go from the south end to the north end of the cave. One ledge comes out from the west wall, the other from the east wall.
  An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. Another exit, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast.
  A large button sticks up from the middle of the east ledge.
  A narrow stone bridge goes from the east side of the room to the west, just below the ledges.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  This cave has exits to the southwest and northeast.
  A large wooden crank sticks out from a wall.
  A lizard as long as your arm is clutched to the wall, high above the crank, its head facing downwards. It has huge bulging eyes. It is red, orange, yellow, blue, purple, pink, brown, gray and black.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > look
  An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the west. There is another exit to the northeast. Someone has chiseled gaps into the cave wall, forming a primitive ladder leading up to a hole in the ceiling.
  A table made from human skulls stands near the northeast exit. On the table stands a shimmering pink translucent cube and a small, rusty, holy grail.
  A small round stage stands close to the table. It is apparently made from human faces frozen in terrible screams.
  A small flamingo-headed man sits behind the table in a comfortable-looking armchair covered in obviously fake giraffe fur. He is wearing a Santa Claus suit. He is staring at the pink cube.
  A beautifully decorated Christmas tree stands in a corner.
  
  You can see the goblin sidekick here.
  
  > get on the stage
  The goblin gets on the stage.
  
  The flamingo-headed man turns around and looks at the stage.
  
  Suddenly a small cactus appears on the stage. The goblin walks up to it. Then he turns so that his back faces the cactus. He sits down on the cactus. He jumps up again howling with pain. The flamingo-headed man giggles. The cactus vanishes.
  
  > get the grail
  You quickly steal the grail while the flamingo-headed man is not looking.
  
  Suddenly a large gorilla appears on the stage. The gorilla knocks the goblin over, then proceeds to jump up and down on the goblin's back. The flamingo-headed man giggles. The gorilla vanishes. The goblin gets up.
  
  There is a flickering image inside the cube.
  
  > get down
  "I can't reach that from the stage."
  
  Suddenly a rake appears, lying on the stage. The goblin walks towards it. He steps on it, so that the handle flies up and smashes him in the face. The flamingo-headed man giggles. The rake vanishes.
  
  > ask Goblin,  to go outside
  The goblin gets off the stage.
  
  The flamingo-headed man turns around and looks at the pink cube.
  
  > go west
  A diamond the size of your chest lies in the middle of the cave. A tremendous light shines out from it and fills the entire cave.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > Go south
  The goblin comes running after you.