text: [Themes: modern]
  
  "Mel, get the fuck up you lazy motherfucker!"
  
  Arrgh! That's your girlfriend Tina. Its only 1:00 PM and she's screaming at you to get up. Probably wants you to get a job.
  
  "Alright! Jesus fucking Christ woman, get off my fucking ass!" you shout back, holding your head.
  
  As you get up crushed beer cans roll off your body. You realize you passed out the night before on the kitchen floor of the trailer. Empty bottles of Wild Turkey and Jack Daniels lie strewn about the floor along with a pile of cigarette butts.
  
  Whew! You must've really been partying hard last night! You smell like ass and vomit!
  
  > take a shower
  The stench you're giving off is even too much for you, so you go to what passes for a bathroom in your trailer.
  
  "Goddamn it Tina, why the fuck is your underwear all over the fucking place!?" you say as your nearly strangle yourself walking into one of the clothes lines hanging in the room.
  "How else am I suppose to dry them? The last time I hung them out to dry outside some fucking pervert stole them!"
  
  You fight your way through the lines and get into the shower. Unfortunately Tina has already used up all the hot water so you freeze your dick off attempting to wash yourself. Then its apparent that she's used up all the towels as well, so you make do and dry off with her underwear. Then finally you take a giant shit in the toilet, clogging it up.
  
  "Hey Mel, open up I gotta use the bathroom and I left my tampons in there!" Tina says.
  "All yours!" you come out and say with a big grin and smacking her ass.
  
  Tina takes one look at the bathroom and says "EWWWWWWW! You nasty inconsiderate fucker! You used my underwear to dry your body with and left a big stinking turd in the toilet! Ugh! The health department would have to clean this up!"
  "Hey you used up all the fucking hot water and didn't leave any towels!"
  "You stupid asshole, you ever think to look in the cabinet here instead of using my underwear?" Tina says opening it up displaying tons of towels.
  
  "Well you still used up all the hot water!" you say.
  "You better go find a job today after pulling this shit! I'm tired of having to support us on my good looks! I'm out there busting my ass dancing while you fucking goof off all fucking day getting drunk with your low life friends!"
  "Yeah, yeah" you say.
  
  > Go get a job
  You have no desire to go get a job, but you decide you'd better make the effort. Tina suggests that you could go to Billy Ray's Burgers since he's always hiring, but you're loathed to work in that shithole.
  
  Maybe you should try the Big Jim's Repair Shop, though you don't really want to work for that miserable bastard either.
  
  Your cousin Clem always said you could help him with his Pig Farm, but you're not sure if you want to put up with his wife. You already have to deal with one bitch at home, you don't feel like dealing with one at work too.
  
  Speaking of which, Tina also suggests that they need a new bouncer at her strip club, Kitty City. Wow, working with your girlfriend, joy joy joy...
  
  Of course there's always odd jobs you could do around the trailer park and pick up metal scraps to sell to the junkyard, the problem there is trying to make enough money doing it to appease Tina.
  
  The stench you're giving off is even too much for you, so you go to what passes for a bathroom in your trailer.
  
  "Goddamn it Tina, why the fuck is your underwear all over the fucking place!?" you say as your nearly strangle yourself walking into one of the clothes lines hanging in the room.
  "How else am I suppose to dry them? The last time I hung them out to dry outside some fucking pervert stole them!"
  
  You fight your way through the lines and get into the shower. Unfortunately Tina has already used up all the hot water so you freeze your dick off attempting to wash yourself. Then its apparent that she's used up all the towels as well, so you make do and dry off with her underwear. Then finally you take a giant shit in the toilet, clogging it up.
  
  "Hey Mel, open up I gotta use the bathroom and I left my tampons in there!" Tina says.
  "All yours!" you come out and say with a big grin and smacking her ass.
  
  Tina takes one look at the bathroom and says "EWWWWWWW! You nasty inconsiderate fucker! You used my underwear to dry your body with and left a big stinking turd in the toilet! Ugh! The health department would have to clean this up!"
  "Hey you used up all the fucking hot water and didn't leave any towels!"
  "You stupid asshole, you ever think to look in the cabinet here instead of using my underwear?" Tina says opening it up displaying tons of towels.
  
  "Well you still used up all the hot water!" you say.
  "You better go find a job today after pulling this shit! I'm tired of having to support us on my good looks! I'm out there busting my ass dancing while you fucking goof off all fucking day getting drunk with your low life friends!"
  "Yeah, yeah" you say.
  
  > go get drunk with your low life friends
  Well one sure way of getting you to do something, is telling you NOT to do it. You leave the trailer to go get drunk with your low life friends. You're not gonna let Tina tell you what you can and can't do! Of course there are two problems with this act of rebellion.
  
  First of all you don't have any money, at least not enough to get suitably drunk. The second thing is, the lowlifes you know aren't actually your friends so much as they're just dregs of society that hang out at the bar all day. Still that's not going to stop you from attempting to get them to buy you beer.
  
  You drive over to Joe's Bar, it's not much, but its one of the few places that you're still allowed at. You walk in and The Rolling Stones are playing on the jukebox, there's a boxing match on the TV, and the place is devoid hope. Ah, you love this place!
  
  "Mel, get your broke ass outta here!" Joe yells when he sees you.
  "Fuck Joe, what the hell's your problem? You on the rag or some shit?"
  "Ha ha. My problem is when you come in here, you don't pay for shit! You've run up a fuckin' tab, that you haven't paid still!"
  
  "Har har har har!" the barflies start to laugh in unison.
  
  Well you better start doing some convincing if you want to stay here.
  
  > try to convince Joe
  "Aw come on Joe, what about that time I helped throw out those angry road workers?"
  "You were the fucker that got 'em mad in the first place!"
  "Okay how about that time I kept your wife from finding out that you were cheating on her with another woman?"
  "You dipshit, you fucking gave me away by telling your girlfriend Tina who then later told my fucking wife!"
  "Hey now that wasn't my fault, your mistress tried to steal Tina's act at the strip club. The bitch had it coming."
  "Mel, you're not exactly convincing me here as to why I should allow you to sponge beer from me."
  
  Desperate times come for desperate measures, and your not afraid to go that extra step.
  
  "Alright how about I NOT expose that particular bit of information about you, and you KNOW what I'm talking about Joe."
  The rest of the bar patrons suddenly stop and listen more intently. Joe looks at you with more intensity.
  "Shit Mel, that's not fuckin' fair! You can't hold that over me forever!"
  "I can and I will! Now line 'em up Joe! One Bourbon, one Scotch, one beer! Ha ha!"
  
  Joe grudgingly starts pouring you drinks; you can feel the hatred though.
  
  You spend the rest of the night whooping it up with the rest of the drunks, eventually you get into a stupid argument with one of the barflies.
  
  "An (hic!) I'm tellin' you! That (hic!) General fuckin' Lee was my goddamn (hic!) great great great (hic!)....great....(hic!) grandfather!" you say proudly.
  "You're fulla sh (hic!) fulla shit Mel! He probably was a fuckin' Yankee! Har har har har!"
  "You better (hic!) fuckin' take that fuckin' (hic!) back!" you warn.
  "Oh okay there Mel! (hic!) Wouldn't want you to (hic!) get all General Sherman on us! (hic!) ha ha ha!"
  
  There's NO WAY you can let that insult pass! You immediately punch the bastard out, and he goes down like a two dollar whore on Friday night. While you stand over your opponent and laughing at the fact that he's lying in an unconscious heap, Joe has had enough of you.
  
  "Alright Mel, you've worn out your fuckin' welcome here, go the fuck home!"
  
  > go home
  "Alright alright I'm tired of hangin (hic) out with you losers any (hic!) way. An' remember, don't (hic!) fuck with me ag (hic!) again!" you say and stumble out the door.
  
  You drive home...barely. You nearly crash the truck into the front of your trailer, and you don't even make it to the couch let alone the bed. Tina wakes up just in time to see you collapse on the floor.
  
  "Amazing, you managed to still get drunk even though you had no money at all, if only you put as much effort into getting a job."
  "Getting drunk is my job baby." You say and pass out.