text: [Themes: Humor, Cave crawl, cave crawl, fantasy, male protagonist]
  
  > kill you
  Before you have a chance to say anything you get a nasty electric shock from your helmet. You hear a calm pleasant female voice in your head: "It wouldn't be very heroic to ask somebody else to do your fighting for you."
  
  > check your inventory
  The new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger.
  A mail-ordered short metal staff with a clear orb on the end. Its manufacturers say the staff will remove any creature that comes in contact with the orb. Inside the orb you can see a small unmoving cluster of turquoise tentacles.
  A Remmingheim Supreme crossbow, loaded with an arrow. The Supreme model is supposed to have a special feature. When you shoot it, the arrow will magically return, and the crossbow will be loaded again. The hard, razor-sharp arrow is protruding a good ten centimeters from the front of the crossbow.
  "The Ultimate Creature Manual" by Arthur Hippoman. According to the back it contains information about every single monster in the world, and how to defend yourself against them. It is suspiciously thin.
  A small cage. It is closed and locked with a code-lock (You know the code.). A gremlin, a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears, is trapped inside. He is wearing a tiny ring. He is smoking a tiny cigarette. His thin arms are sticking through the bars of the cage, and he is fiddling with the code-lock, trying one combination at a time.
  
  You are wearing:
  A Hustlespleen & Poe Coat of Invisibility, though at the moment it looks like an ordinary, long, brown, coat. It is supposed to turn invisible (or turn visible again) whenever you say the magic word "tango".
  A Super Champion Helmet fastened with a strap under your chin. It is round and made of thin metal. It is supposed to magically turn you into a hero.
  On your finger is a Snuffelburg & Co. Type F Magical Ring. It is red and golden. It is supposed to protect you from any magical rays, by moving the effect of the ray away from you and onto the gremlin, which is wearing a smaller, magically connected, ring.
  A pair of red boxer shorts, decorated with tiny teddy-bears dressed as sailors. They are not something you are supposed to test; they are your own.
  
  > look
  A narrow mountain ledge leading west (where you came from) and east. To the north is a tall mountain wall and to the south a long drop.
  Very far to the east, near the end of the ledge, a huge monster is crouching. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.
  
  You can see the goblin sidekick here.
  
  > shoot the crossbow at the goblin
  (the goblin sidekick)
  Before you have a chance to do it, you get a nasty electrical shock from your helmet. You hear a calm pleasant female voice in your head: "It wouldn't be very heroic to go around shooting creatures."
  
  > examine Helmet
  In this game you can't examine things. Instead use either "look" to see descriptions of the things in the room you are in, or "inventory" to see descriptions of what you are carrying. You also can't use "look inside", "look under", "look behind", "look <direction>" or "search". But you can use "read".
  
  > remove Helmet
  You try to remove the helmet, but it is stuck. The strap under your chin is too tight.
  
  > cut the strap with the arrow
  You cut the strap with the arrow, and pull off the helmet.
  
  > shoot the crossbow at the goblin
  (the goblin sidekick)
  You pull the trigger. The arrow magically returns to the crossbow and the crossbow is loaded again. Huh? That happened fast. The arrow did not even have time to leave the crossbow entirely! In fact, it barely moved!
  
  > read the book
  You must say what page to read, like "read page 1" or "read 1"
  
  > read 1
  On the front is a badly drawn picture of three monsters running away from a man who is holding a copy of the book over his head.
  
  > read 2
  So, you have spotted a monster. How many legs does it have?
  None: read page 3
  One: read page 35
  Two: read page 36
  Three: read page 62
  Four: read page 63
  Six: read page 86
  Eight: read page 87
  Forty eight billion and five: read page 90
  It varies: read page 91
  
  > read 63
  Does it have hooves?
  Yes: read page 64
  No: read page 72
  
  > read 72
  Is it hairy?
  Yes: read page 73
  No: read page 79
  
  > read 79
  Does it have large bulging eyes?
  No: read page 80
  Yes: read page 81
  
  > read 81
  Is it green?
  No: read page 82
  Yes: read page 83
  
  > read 83
  Does it have a wide mouth?
  No: read page 84
  Yes: read page 85
  
  > read 85
  Oh, it's just a frog then. Nothing to worry about.
  
  > go east
  A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.
  Quite far to the east, near the end of the ledge, a huge monster is crouching. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  The sword starts vibrating ever so slightly.
  
  > Go east
  A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.
  Some distance to the east, near the end of the ledge, a huge monster is crouching. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  The sword starts shaking quite a lot.
  
  > go to the east
  A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.
  Not all that far to the east, near the end of the ledge, a huge monster is crouching. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  The sword starts shaking like crazy.
  
  You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.
  
  > Attack monster
  "We aren't close enough boss!"
  
  You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.
  
  > go east
  The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.
  A huge monster is crouching on the ledge. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  The sword goes even crazier and starts thrashing like a headless chicken on drugs.
  
  Unable to control the sword, you are slashed into little pieces.
  
  > drop sword
  Dropped.
  
  > Go east
  The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.
  A huge monster is crouching on the ledge. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  All the eyes of the green monster swivel round and stare at the goblin.
  
  > Attack frog
  The goblin throws himself at the monster. The monster opens its jaws and lunges forward. The mouth closes around the goblin. You hear some muffled goblin screams from within the monster's head. Just when you think your sidekick's career came to very early stop, the monster sneezes and the green guy comes shooting out of the monster's nostril and lands in a heap. Confused he shakes his head and mutters, "Sorry boss."
  
  The green monster roars.
  
  > Is
  A staff (with tentacles)
  A Supreme crossbow (loaded)
  A manual
  A cage (with a gremlin) (closed and locked)
  A helmet
  
  You are wearing:
  A coat (visible)
  A ring
  Boxer shorts.
  
  > Attack frog
  The goblin throws himself at the monster. The monster opens its jaws and lunges forward. The mouth closes around the goblin. You hear some muffled goblin screams from within the monster's head. Just when you think your sidekick's career came to very early stop, the monster sneezes and the green guy comes shooting out of the monster's nostril and lands in a heap. Confused he shakes his head and mutters, "Sorry boss."
  
  The green monster's tongue shoots out towards your legs, but you manage to jump to the side.
  
  > Go west
  A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.
  Not all that far to the east, near the end of the ledge, a huge monster is crouching. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.
  
  The new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium is here. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger. It is shaking like crazy.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > take the sword
  Taken.
  
  You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.
  
  > give the sword to the goblin
  (the goblin sidekick)
  The goblin says, "No thanks. Carrying around a vibrating sword sounds kind of dangerous."
  
  You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.
  
  > talk to the goblin
  (the goblin sidekick)
  "What should I do now?" you ask.
  "I think we must deal with that monster, boss. How bout you hit it with the staff?"
  
  You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.
  
  > Inventory
  The new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger. It is shaking like crazy, and you can barely hold on to it or prevent it from cutting yourself.
  A mail-ordered short metal staff with a clear orb on the end. Its manufacturers say the staff will remove any creature that comes in contact with the orb. Inside the orb you can see a small unmoving cluster of turquoise tentacles.
  A Remmingheim Supreme crossbow, loaded with an arrow. The Supreme model is supposed to have a special feature. When you shoot it, the arrow will magically return, and the crossbow will be loaded again. The hard, razor-sharp arrow is protruding a good ten centimeters from the front of the crossbow.
  "The Ultimate Creature Manual" by Arthur Hippoman. According to the back it contains information about every single monster in the world, and how to defend yourself against them. It is suspiciously thin.
  A small cage. It is closed and locked with a code-lock (You know the code.). A gremlin, a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears, is trapped inside. He is wearing a tiny ring. He is smoking a tiny cigarette. His thin arms are sticking through the bars of the cage, and he is fiddling with the code-lock, trying one combination at a time.
  A Super Champion Helmet. It is round and made of thin metal. It was supposed to magically turn you into a hero.
  
  You are wearing:
  A Hustlespleen & Poe Coat of Invisibility, though at the moment it looks like an ordinary, long, brown, coat. It is supposed to turn invisible (or turn visible again) whenever you say the magic word "tango".
  On your finger is a Snuffelburg & Co. Type F Magical Ring. It is red and golden. It is supposed to protect you from any magical rays, by moving the effect of the ray away from you and onto the gremlin, which is wearing a smaller, magically connected, ring.
  A pair of red boxer shorts, decorated with tiny teddy-bears dressed as sailors. They are not something you are supposed to test; they are your own.
  
  > talk to Helmet
  You can only do that to something animate.
  
  > drop sword
  Dropped.
  
  > go east
  The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.
  A huge monster is crouching on the ledge. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  The green monster roars.
  
  > shoot the monster with the crossbow
  You pull the trigger. The arrow magically returns to the crossbow and the crossbow is loaded again. Huh? That happened fast. The arrow did not even have time to leave the crossbow entirely! In fact, it barely moved!
  
  The green monster steps on the goblin. The poor goblin disappears completely beneath the huge foot. After a while the monster lifts the foot, while looking down as if to see if the goblin is dead. He isn't. Dazed, the goblin gets up, shakes his head, and takes some steps away from the monster.
  
  > hit the monster with staff
  The huge monster vanishes.
  
  A gigantic monster appears. It seems to consist entirely of many entwined writhing turquoise tentacles. There are no legs or arms or head. Each tentacle is as thick as a person and none seem to be shorter than five meters.
  
  You notice that the huge monster is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.
  
  A tentacle grabs one of the goblin's ears and lifts him from the ground. The goblin screams before the ear slides out of the tentacles grip, and he falls down.
  
  > hit the monster with the staff
  The gigantic tentacle monster vanishes.
  
  The huge green monster appears.
  
  You notice that the gigantic tentacle monster is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.
  
  The green monster's tongue wraps itself around the waist of the goblin. The goblin is dragged kicking and screaming towards the monster's mouth. You manage to grab one of the goblin's arms and pull him loose from the tongue.
  
  > hit the goblin with the staff
  (the goblin sidekick with the staff)
  The goblin sidekick vanishes.
  
  A gigantic monster appears. It seems to consist entirely of many entwined writhing turquoise tentacles. There are no legs or arms or head. Each tentacle is as thick as a person and none seem to be shorter than five meters.
  
  You notice that the goblin sidekick is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.
  
  A tentacle grabs the tongue of the green monster and begins to pull. But the tongue pulls back, and the tentacle is dragged into the mouth of the green monster. The green monster bites off the end of the tentacle. The wounded tentacle, bleeding dark blue liquid, withdraws into the cluster of tentacles. The green monster chews on the tip of the tentacle for a while then swallows.
  
  The green monster swings one of its legs at a tentacle, but misses.
  
  > Wait
  Time passes.
  
  A tentacle wraps around the green monster's head. The monster scratches the tentacle with its claws, and the tentacle withdraws.
  
  The green monster swings one of its legs at a tentacle, but misses.
  
  > Wait
  Time passes.
  
  A tentacle grabs your arm, and you are pulled towards the cluster. You hit the tentacle and it lets go.
  
  The green monster tries to hit you with the claws of one foot, but you manage to step back just in time.
  
  > read 2
  So, you have spotted a monster. How many legs does it have?
  None: read page 3
  One: read page 35
  Two: read page 36
  Three: read page 62
  Four: read page 63
  Six: read page 86
  Eight: read page 87
  Forty eight billion and five: read page 90
  It varies: read page 91
  
  A tentacle grabs you around your feet and lifts you up. You are hanging upside down. You wiggle your legs, until the tentacle lets go and you fall down.
  
  The green monster swings one of its legs at a tentacle, but misses.
  
  > read 3
  Which of the following body parts does it have?
  Fins: read page 4
  Branches: read page 8
  Tentacles: read page 11
  Arms: read page 14
  None of the above: read page 29
  
  A tentacle grabs the tongue of the green monster and begins to pull. But the tongue pulls back, and the tentacle is dragged into the mouth of the green monster. The green monster bites off the end of the tentacle. The wounded tentacle, bleeding dark blue liquid, withdraws into the cluster of tentacles. The green monster chews on the tip of the tentacle for a while then swallows.
  
  The green monster tries to hit you with the claws of one foot, but you manage to step back just in time.
  
  > read 11
  How many tentacles?
  Eight: read page 12
  Lots: Read page 13
  
  A tentacle grabs your arm, and you are pulled towards the cluster. You hit the tentacle and it lets go.
  
  The green monster lunges towards the tentacle monster, trying to bite it, but the tentacle monster wiggles back out of reach.
  
  > read 13
  Pope's Delight:
  You'll need:
  1 cup of water
  2 cups of camel milk
  1 handful of sugar
  1 mouthful of flour
  1 kilo of parrot spleens
  1 otter, dead
  Some whiskey
  
  Mix all the incidences, except the otter and the whiskey, into a paste. Fry it in a pan for 20 minutes at full heat. Shave the otter and stuff it with the paste. Boil it until its nose falls off, then dip it in whiskey. Traditionally served with fried potatoes and donkey milk.
  
  The letters on this page are different from the rest of the book. You realize this page actually belongs in another book, and has been printed here by mistake.
  
  A tentacle plunges down towards your feet, but you manage to jump away from it.
  
  The green monster swings one of its legs at a tentacle, but misses.
  
  > give Helmet to the goblin
  There is not much you can do to stuff that is inside the orb.
  
  A tentacle hits one of the eyes of the green monster. The eye blinks.
  
  The green monster swings one of its legs at a tentacle, but misses.
  
  > Tango
  "Tango!"
  The coat turns invisible. You on the other hand do not. The gremlin snickers at your boxer shorts.
  
  A tentacle plunges down towards your feet, but you manage to jump away from it.
  
  All the eyes of the green monster swivel round and stare at the tentacle monster.
  
  > Tango
  "Tango!"
  The coat turns visible.
  
  A tentacle hits one of the eyes of the green monster. The eye blinks.
  
  The green monster tries to hit you with the claws of one foot, but you manage to step back just in time.
  
  > hit yourself with the staff
  Suddenly everything looks slightly different.
  
  The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.
  A huge monster is crouching on the ledge. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.
  
  A mail-ordered short metal staff with a clear orb on the end lies here. Its manufacturers say the staff will remove any creature that comes in contact with the orb. Inside the orb you can see the goblin sidekick. He is now tiny and unmoving.
  
  A gigantic monster is here. It seem to consist entirely of a cluster of many entwined writhing turquoise tentacles. There are no legs or arms or head. Each tentacle is as thick as a person and none seem to be shorter than five meters.
  
  A tentacle grabs the tongue of the green monster and begins to pull. But the tongue pulls back, and the tentacle is dragged into the mouth of the green monster. The green monster bites off the end of the tentacle. The wounded tentacle, bleeding dark blue liquid, withdraws into the cluster of tentacles. The green monster chews on the tip of the tentacle for a while then swallows.
  
  The green monster roars.
  
  > talk to the goblin
  There is not much you can do to stuff that is inside the orb.
  
  A tentacle plunges down towards your feet, but you manage to jump away from it.
  
  All the eyes of the green monster swivel round and stare at you.
  
  > talk to the green monster
  "Who are you?" you ask, but the monster ignores you.
  
  A tentacle wraps around the green monster's head. The monster scratches the tentacle with its claws, and the tentacle withdraws.
  
  The green monster's tongue shoots out towards your head, but you duck.
  
  > kill the frog
  You throw yourself against the monster. The monster smacks you with one of its legs, and you are slammed into the mountain wall.
  
  A tentacle plunges down towards your feet, but you manage to jump away from it.
  
  The green monster's tongue shoots out towards your head, but you duck.
  
  > Is
  A Supreme crossbow (loaded)
  A manual
  A cage (with a gremlin) (closed and locked)
  A helmet
  
  You are wearing:
  A coat (visible)
  A ring
  Boxer shorts.
  
  > check your inventory
  A Remmingheim Supreme crossbow, loaded with an arrow. The Supreme model is supposed to have a special feature. When you shoot it, the arrow will magically return, and the crossbow will be loaded again. The hard, razor-sharp arrow is protruding a good ten centimeters from the front of the crossbow.
  "The Ultimate Creature Manual" by Arthur Hippoman. According to the back it contains information about every single monster in the world, and how to defend yourself against them. It is suspiciously thin.
  A small cage. It is closed and locked with a code-lock (You know the code.). A gremlin, a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears, is trapped inside. He is wearing a tiny ring. He is smoking a tiny cigarette. His thin arms are sticking through the bars of the cage, and he is fiddling with the code-lock, trying one combination at a time.
  A Super Champion Helmet. It is round and made of thin metal. It was supposed to magically turn you into a hero.
  
  You are wearing:
  A Hustlespleen & Poe Coat of Invisibility, though at the moment it looks like an ordinary, long, brown, coat. It is supposed to turn invisible (or turn visible again) whenever you say the magic word "tango".
  On your finger is a Snuffelburg & Co. Type F Magical Ring. It is red and golden. It is supposed to protect you from any magical rays, by moving the effect of the ray away from you and onto the gremlin, which is wearing a smaller, magically connected, ring.
  A pair of red boxer shorts, decorated with tiny teddy-bears dressed as sailors. They are not something you are supposed to test; they are your own.
  
  > Unlock cage
  You unlock the code-lock. The gremlin jumps out of the cage. Then he runs giggling into the northern cave. You sigh and throw away the cage. You have tried catching gremlins before, and you know you'll never be able to.
  
  A tentacle wraps around the green monster's head. The monster scratches the tentacle with its claws, and the tentacle withdraws.
  
  The green monster swings one of its legs at a tentacle, but misses.
  
  > talk to the gremlin
  "Hey, how are you doing in there?" you ask.
  "I'm suffocating," the gremlin says. "Unless you let me out soon I'll die!"
  
  A tentacle grabs hold of one of the eyes of the green monster and begins to pull. The eye is pulled away from the eye cluster, but is still attached with what appears to be a pink rubbery string. The string gets stretched pretty far, and for a moment it seems as if it is going to break. Then the tentacle lets go and the eye snaps back into the cluster. The eyes wobble like jelly. Then they blink, and the green monster looks a bit confused.
  
  The green monster tries to hit you with the claws of one foot, but you manage to step back just in time.
  
  > read 1
  You pull the trigger. The arrow magically returns to the crossbow and the crossbow is loaded again. Huh? That happened fast. The arrow did not even have time to leave the crossbow entirely! In fact, it barely moved!
  
  A tentacle grabs hold of one of the eyes of the green monster and begins to pull. The eye is pulled away from the eye cluster, but is still attached with what appears to be a pink rubbery string. The string gets stretched pretty far, and for a moment it seems as if it is going to break. Then the tentacle lets go and the eye snaps back into the cluster. The eyes wobble like jelly. Then they blink, and the green monster looks a bit confused.
  
  The green monster's tongue shoots out towards your legs, but you manage to jump to the side.
  
  >On the front is a badly drawn picture of three monsters running away from a man who is holding a copy of the book over his head.
  
  A tentacle grabs your arm, and you are pulled towards the cluster. You hit the tentacle and it lets go.
  
  The green monster stares at you and licks itself around the mouth. Then it opens its mouth wide, roars, and determinedly begins walking towards you. Uh-Oh!
  
  > Go west
  As you are about to go, a tentacle wraps itself around one of your legs. You fall, and are pulled back. You manage to untangle your leg.
  
  A tentacle grabs the tongue of the green monster and begins to pull. But the tongue pulls back, and the tentacle is dragged into the mouth of the green monster. The green monster bites off the end of the tentacle. The wounded tentacle, bleeding dark blue liquid, withdraws into the cluster of tentacles. The green monster chews on the tip of the tentacle for a while then swallows.
  
  The green monster's tongue shoots out and wraps itself around your waist. You are pulled into the monster's mouth and chewed to little pieces.
  
  > Go west
  As you are about to go, a tentacle wraps itself around one of your arms and pulls you back. You hit the tentacle with your free arm and it lets go.
  
  A tentacle grabs the tongue of the green monster and begins to pull. But the tongue pulls back, and the tentacle is dragged into the mouth of the green monster. The green monster bites off the end of the tentacle. The wounded tentacle, bleeding dark blue liquid, withdraws into the cluster of tentacles. The green monster chews on the tip of the tentacle for a while then swallows.
  
  The green monster's tongue shoots out and wraps itself around your waist. You are pulled into the monster's mouth and chewed to little pieces.
  
  > go west
  As you are about to go, a tentacle wraps itself around one of your arms and pulls you back. You hit the tentacle with your free arm and it lets go.
  
  A tentacle grabs hold of one of the eyes of the green monster and begins to pull. The eye is pulled away from the eye cluster, but is still attached with what appears to be a pink rubbery string. The string gets stretched pretty far, and for a moment it seems as if it is going to break. Then the tentacle lets go and the eye snaps back into the cluster. The eyes wobble like jelly. Then they blink, and the green monster looks a bit confused.
  
  The green monster's tongue shoots out and wraps itself around your waist. You are pulled into the monster's mouth and chewed to little pieces.
  
  > hit the frog with the staff
  First taking the staff.
  Taken.
  The huge monster vanishes.
  
  The goblin sidekick appears.
  
  You notice that the huge monster is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.
  
  The goblin says, "Gee boss, I am kind of confused about what just happened. But I saw you had become this tiny frozen figure inside the orb. I figured I had to try and rescue you, so I touched the orb. I don't know exactly what happened then, but now here you are."
  
  A tentacle chases the goblin around for a while.
  
  > hit the monster with the staff
  The gigantic tentacle monster vanishes.
  
  The huge green monster appears.
  
  You notice that the gigantic tentacle monster is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.
  
  The green monster roars.
  
  > throw the sword at frog
  The monster is too far away.
  
  You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.
  
  > read 2
  So, you have spotted a monster. How many legs does it have?
  None: read page 3
  One: read page 35
  Two: read page 36
  Three: read page 62
  Four: read page 63
  Six: read page 86
  Eight: read page 87
  Forty eight billion and five: read page 90
  It varies: read page 91
  
  You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.
  
  > give Helmet to the goblin
  (the goblin sidekick)
  You give the Super Champion Helmet to the goblin.
  
  IMPORTANT NOTE: If you forget what items the goblin has, you can ask him with "Goblin, Inventory". This note will not be repeated.
  
  You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.
  
  > put on Helmet
  "I don't need a helmet to be a hero."
  
  You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.
  
  > go to the east
  The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.
  A huge monster is crouching on the ledge. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  The green monster's tongue shoots out towards your head, but you duck.
  
  > Stab frog with arrow
  You slam the crossbow, arrow first, into the monster's belly. The monster explodes like a balloon, leaving no remains. So not quite like a balloon then.
  
  > go west
  A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.
  
  The new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium is here. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > take the sword
  Taken.
  
  > Go east
  The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  The sword starts vibrating ever so slightly.
  
  > go north
  This cave has an exit leading outside to the south, or you can go further into the mountain to the north.
  A burly barbarian is leaning against a wall, his arms crossed over his naked chest, a grim expression on his face. A long sabre is in his belt.
  A tough-looking dwarf, wearing chain mail and a helmet, is sitting on the floor. He is holding an axe almost as big as himself. He is smoking a pipe.
  A muscular white horse and a mangy donkey stand here.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  The sword starts shaking quite a lot.
  
  > talk to the barbarian
  (the barbarian)
  "What are you doing?" you ask.
  "Grirgr and the dwarf were sent to look for treasures. But Grirgr not stupid! He thinks, why risk our lives? So we wait here until somebody else finds treasure! Then we buy it!"
  
  > talk to dwarf
  "So, been here long?" you say. The dwarf nods.
  
  > drop sword
  Dropped.
  
  > Go north
  An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the north. There is also an exit to the south.
  A red automat, hundred of meters tall, stands in the middle of the cave. Despite the insane magnitude of the machine, its money-slot and buttons are normal-sized and placed at normal height. The merchandise-slot is also close to the floor, but huge enough to hold a horse. You have come across these automats before. Several companies have recently begun placing them in dangerous places, for adventurers who need equipment. They are easy to use; just buy something. Something is written on the automat next to the buttons.
  A stone altar stands up against a wall. It is low, shadowy, bloodstained and has runes written on it. Next to it is a huge pile of fish bones.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > read the automat
  Adventurer's Emporium's Convenient Equipment Automat: for everything an adventurer needs.
  30 gold coins     Wheelbarrow
  35 gold coins     Umbrella
  35 gold coins     Roller skates
  35 gold coins     Pogo stick
  35 gold coins     Giant rubber band
  40 gold coins     Spell of summoning: Aardvark
  40 gold coins     Spell of metamorphosis: Chicken
  40 gold coins     Lie detector pants
  40 gold coins     Magical bag of unlimited water balloons
  50 gold coins     Spell of summoning: Lawyer
  50 gold coins     Spell of metamorphosis: Giant Sloth
  50 gold coins     King-size box of assorted fireworks
  50 gold coins     Horse
  100 gold coins     Platoon of miniature zombies
  500 gold coins     Necronomicon
  
  > get the fish bones
  Never mind the pile of fish bones.
  
  > sit on the altar
  NO WAY!
  
  > read the runes
  At the top of the altar is a long string of small crudely drawn runes. The first depicts a large man punching a small man. The second a large man pushing a small man. The third a large man giving a small man a wedgie. There are many more with similar motifs. You have seen runes like this before. They mean that this is an altar of Snurgelfjekk, the cat-headed god of bullies. At the center of the altar is a larger, more detailed rune. It depicts the altar and two people. One of the people is playing a saxophone. The other is putting something on the altar; you can't quite make out what it is supposed to be. Lines are coming out in all directions from the altar, perhaps representing light or heat.
  
  > Go north
  You try, but the bright light is too strong. It hurts your eyes.
  
  > get Helmet
  Taken.
  
  > Wear Helmet
  You can't make yourself put on the helmet again. It is just too idiotic.
  
  > Go south
  This cave has an exit leading outside to the south, or you can go further into the mountain to the north.
  A burly barbarian is leaning against a wall, his arms crossed over his naked chest, a grim expression on his face. A long sabre is in his belt.
  A tough-looking dwarf, wearing chain mail and a helmet, is sitting on the floor. He is holding an axe almost as big as himself. He is smoking a pipe.
  A muscular white horse and a mangy donkey stand here.
  
  The new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium is here. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger. It is shaking quite a lot.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > go south
  The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  The sword calms down, and is now only vibrating ever so slightly.
  
  > go to the north-west
  This cave has an exit southeast to the outside, or you could go further into the mountain to the northwest.
  A somewhat larger than life-size statue of his holiness One-Hand Jack stands in the middle of the cave. Jack used to be an infamous pirate, but later formed Hoverism, a peaceful religion. The statue holds its left arm out and up, the hook at the end of it just low enough to be reached.
  An old Hoverist is hovering about a meter above the floor. He is sitting in the lotus position, his head is turned towards the statue, and his eyes are closed. He is wearing a white loincloth.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  The sword starts shaking quite a lot.
  
  > talk to Hoverist
  "What are you doing?" you ask.
  The Hoverist opens his eyes and looks at you. "I am trying to reach the forty-seventh stage of Hoverism. I can teach you about Hoverism if you like. The first stage is to be able to hover. You have to figure out how to do that for yourself. Once you know how to hover come talk to me again, and I will teach you the second stage."
  
  > Hover
  You don't know how to do that. Maybe there is some way to fake it.
  
  > jump
  If you are thinking of jumping up and down to convince the Hoverist that you can hover, I think you are underestimating him.
  
  > hang from the hook
  You jump up and grab the hook. You hang there dangling.
  
  > talk to Hoverist
  "Hey old guy," you say "look at me! I am hovering!"
  The Hoverist looks at you and says, "True, your feet are not touching the ground. But it doesn't count if you are holding on to that hook!"
  
  > drop the hook
  You drop down.
  
  > put cloak on the hook
  That's a bit awkward when you are hanging from the hook.
  
  > put the cloak on the hook
  You take off the coat.
  You hang the coat on the hook.
  
  > Tango
  "Tango!"
  The coat turns invisible.
  
  > hang from the hook
  That's a bit awkward with the coat hanging from the hook. Try hanging from the coat.
  
  > hang from Coat
  You grab hold of the coat. You hang there dangling.
  "Hey old guy," you say "look at me! I am hovering!"
  The Hoverist looks at you and says, "Excellent, albeit a very strange and dangling hovering technique. I will now teach you the second stage of Hoverism: Facing pain."
  
  The Hoverist spends some time teaching you how to face pain. You will still feel the pain, but you are no longer afraid of it.
  
  > Drop
  (the coat)
  You drop down.
  
  > get Coat
  You decide to leave the coat. You can't think of any other uses you can get from it.
  
  > Is
  A staff (with tentacles)
  A Supreme crossbow (loaded)
  A manual
  A cage (with a gremlin) (closed and locked)
  A helmet
  
  You are wearing:
  A ring
  Boxer shorts.
  
  > go to the north-west
  This cave has exits to the northwest and southeast.
  A huge black safe stands here, closed. Due to the unevenness of the cave floor, there is a gap between the safe and the floor, big enough for somebody to crawl down into.
  A shoal of small fish crawls around on the floor. They look creepy. Their skins are white and look almost transparent. Their eyes are also white and don't have pupils.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > get the fish
  You manage to catch a sluggish fish.
  
  > open safe
  You try some random combinations, but the safe remains locked.
  
  > enter the gap
  This is a tight tiny room formed between the safe and the uneven floor. You can barely move. Unfortunately the safe seems to be just as solid on the underside. The only way out is up.
  
  The goblin crawls in with you. Your bodies are pushed together. "This is uncomfortable," the goblin mutters.
  
  > Go upwards
  This cave has exits to the northwest and southeast.
  A huge black safe stands here, closed. Due to the unevenness of the cave floor, there is a gap between the safe and the floor, big enough for somebody to crawl down into.
  A shoal of small fish crawls around on the floor. They look creepy. Their skins are white and look almost transparent. Their eyes are also white and don't have pupils.
  
  The goblin crawls out from under the safe.
  
  > go northwest
  The only exit from this cave is to the southeast.
  Some runes are written on the wall.
  
  A bottle of the dreaded Dante Tomato Sauce, Triple-Extra Spicy stands here. Something is written on it. It is closed.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > read the runes
  You try, but the runes start swimming before your eyes. It is impossible to get any meaning from them. All you get is a slight headache. As soon as you avert your eyes, you can't even remember what the runes looked like. You have come across this phenomenon on a couple of previous product testing missions, so you know the reason. The runes are goblin runes; magical runes that can only be read by goblins.
  
  > read the runes
  The goblin looks at the runes. "Oh dear, I can't read them," he says. "Do the runes swim before your eyes?" you ask, surprised.
  "Oh no, nothing like that. It's just that the runes are too small. My eyes aren't as good as they used to be. If only there was some way I could see better."
  
  >The goblin looks at the runes. "Oh dear, I can't read them," he says. "Do the runes swim before your eyes?" you ask, surprised.
  "Oh no, nothing like that. It's just that the runes are too small. My eyes aren't as good as they used to be. If only there was some way I could see better."
  
  > get the bottle
  Taken.
  
  > go southeast
  This cave has exits to the northwest and southeast.
  A huge black safe stands here, closed. Due to the unevenness of the cave floor, there is a gap between the safe and the floor, big enough for somebody to crawl down into.
  A shoal of small fish crawls around on the floor. They look creepy. Their skins are white and look almost transparent. Their eyes are also white and don't have pupils.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > go southeast
  This cave has an exit southeast to the outside, or you could go further into the mountain to the northwest.
  A somewhat larger than life-size statue of his holiness One-Hand Jack stands in the middle of the cave. Jack used to be an infamous pirate, but later formed Hoverism, a peaceful religion. The statue holds its left arm out and up, the hook at the end of it just low enough to be reached.
  An old Hoverist is hovering about a meter above the floor. He is sitting in the lotus position, his head is turned towards the statue, and his eyes are closed. He is wearing a white loincloth.
  
  Though you cannot see it, you know that a Hustlespleen & Poe Coat of Invisibility hangs on the hook. It is supposed to turn visible (or turn invisible again) whenever you say the magic word "tango".
  
  The new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium is here. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger. It is shaking like crazy.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  The sword goes even crazier and starts thrashing like a headless chicken on drugs.
  
  > go southeast
  The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > Go northeast
  This cave has an exit leading outside to the southwest. In the middle of the ceiling, high above you, is a round hole. On the floor, directly under the hole, is a pile of hay.
  A short lever with a handle sticks out from a wall. The handle has a thin, wide gap, large enough for the fingers of one hand to go through. A metallic pyramid, about half a meter high, sticks up from the cave floor. You once tested a hundred different teleporters, and you recognize the pyramid as one of the safest and least complicated models. To use it you just stand on it and shake the lever repeatedly. This particular teleporter seems badly designed though: the lever is far away from it, almost on the other side of the cave.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > stand on the pyramid
  You get on the teleporter.
  
  > stand on the hay
  Never mind the pile of hay.
  
  > Go southwest
  You'll have to get off the teleporter first.
  
  > get off
  You get off the teleporter.
  
  > Go west
  A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > go to the northwest
  This cave has an exit southeast to the outside, or you could go further into the mountain to the northwest.
  A somewhat larger than life-size statue of his holiness One-Hand Jack stands in the middle of the cave. Jack used to be an infamous pirate, but later formed Hoverism, a peaceful religion. The statue holds its left arm out and up, the hook at the end of it just low enough to be reached.
  An old Hoverist is hovering about a meter above the floor. He is sitting in the lotus position, his head is turned towards the statue, and his eyes are closed. He is wearing a white loincloth.
  
  Though you cannot see it, you know that a Hustlespleen & Poe Coat of Invisibility hangs on the hook. It is supposed to turn visible (or turn invisible again) whenever you say the magic word "tango".
  
  The new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium is here. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger. It is shaking quite a lot.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > Go southeast
  The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  The sword starts shaking like crazy.
  
  You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.
  
  > go northeast
  This cave has an exit leading outside to the southwest. In the middle of the ceiling, high above you, is a round hole. On the floor, directly under the hole, is a pile of hay.
  A short lever with a handle sticks out from a wall. The handle has a thin, wide gap, large enough for the fingers of one hand to go through. A metallic pyramid, about half a meter high, sticks up from the cave floor. You once tested a hundred different teleporters, and you recognize the pyramid as one of the safest and least complicated models. To use it you just stand on it and shake the lever repeatedly. This particular teleporter seems badly designed though: the lever is far away from it, almost on the other side of the cave.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  The sword calms down, but is still shaking quite a lot.
  
  > put sword in the lever
  You slide the sword into the gap. The hilt prevents the sword from falling through. The shaking of the sword is not enough to shake the handle.
  
  > go west
  A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.
  
  A bottle of the dreaded Dante Tomato Sauce, Triple-Extra Spicy stands here. Something is written on it. It is closed.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > go northeast
  This cave has an exit leading outside to the southwest. In the middle of the ceiling, high above you, is a round hole. On the floor, directly under the hole, is a pile of hay.
  A short lever with a handle sticks out from a wall. The handle has a thin, wide gap, large enough for the fingers of one hand to go through. A metallic pyramid, about half a meter high, sticks up from the cave floor. You once tested a hundred different teleporters, and you recognize the pyramid as one of the safest and least complicated models. To use it you just stand on it and shake the lever repeatedly. This particular teleporter seems badly designed though: the lever is far away from it, almost on the other side of the cave.
  
  Up from the lever sticks the new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger. It is shaking like crazy, but not enough to shake the lever.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  The sword goes even crazier and starts thrashing like a headless chicken on drugs.
  
  The sword makes the lever shake. There comes a low humming sound from the teleporter.
  
  > get on the teleporter
  You get on the teleporter.
  
  The sword makes the lever shake. The sound from the teleporter gets louder.
  
  > wait
  Time passes.
  
  The sword makes the lever shake. The sound gets even louder. A few electrical sparks shoots up from the teleporter. Your feet tickle.
  
  > wait for a while
  Time passes.
  
  The sword makes the lever shake. The teleporter starts shaking and smoking. The cave begins to fade out around you, and another cave fades in.
  
  This cave has an exit to the east. In the middle of the floor is a round hole.
  A huge dead monster lies here, its four feet in the air. It has a stupid-looking face on a round gray hairless body. Its tiny eyes stare at nothing. The upper half of a dead pointy-eared elf is sticking out of its mouth. It looks like the monster choked on the elf. The elf is wearing a backpack.
  
  You look down at yourself. You seem unsubstantial, like a ghost. Slowly you begin to take on a more solid form. You hear the gremlin giggle. You look down. The ghostly gremlin jumps right through the bars of the ghostly cage. Second later you, the gremlin, the cage, and the rest of your possessions look normal again. The gremlin runs to the hole in the floor. "So long sucker!" he says and jumps through. You sigh and throw away the cage. You have tried catching gremlins before, and you know you won't be able to.
  
  > drop the cage
  The cage slides down from the teleporter.
  
  The sword makes the lever shake. The teleporter starts shaking and smoking. The cave begins to fade out around you, and another cave fades in.
  
  This cave has an exit to the east. In the middle of the floor is a round hole.
  A huge dead monster lies here, its four feet in the air. It has a stupid-looking face on a round gray hairless body. Its tiny eyes stare at nothing. The upper half of a dead pointy-eared elf is sticking out of its mouth. It looks like the monster choked on the elf. The elf is wearing a backpack.
  
  You look down at yourself. You seem unsubstantial, like a ghost. Slowly you begin to take on a more solid form. Now you look normal.
  
  > get the backpack
  Some of the monster's teeth stick through the lower half of the backpack, and thus the backpack is stuck. But you feel something inside.
  
  > open the backpack
  You find the following stuff in the backpack, which you take:
  A Huxoflux & Son healing gun. You tested one of these four years ago, and they are excellent. Just shoot anything that is wounded or sick.
  A nosehairscrew, a small intricate mechanism with many arms, spikes and pinchers. Part of the Guggensmith Portable Torturing Set that you refused to test some months ago. You are supposed to stuff it up someone's nose, and then twist it to cause horrendous pain.
  A pair of mirrorshades. You can see yourself in them.
  
  > wear the shades
  You put on the pair of mirrorshades.
  
  > Go east
  This cave has exits to the west and northwest.
  A goblin woman is standing here. She is wearing a medallion, and carrying a purse. You are not quite sure, but with her long ears, sharp yellow teeth, and big feet you think she is pretty cute by goblin standards.
  
  > talk to the goblin
  "Hey, what are you doing here?" you ask.
  "I work here. I'm a guard."
  "What's it like?"
  "Kind of lonely. I wish there were some other goblins around."
  
  > ask the goblin about the guarding
  In this game you communicate by "talk to [whatever]", or by giving commands in this format: "goblin, give me the cow-o-meter".
  
  > give you the the medallion
  "Yeah, right!"
  
  > Go northwest
  The female goblin blocks your path. "You can't go in here," she says.
  
  > get the purse
  Never mind the purse.
  
  > Go west
  This cave has an exit to the east. In the middle of the floor is a round hole.
  A huge dead monster lies here, its four feet in the air. It has a stupid-looking face on a round gray hairless body. Its tiny eyes stare at nothing. The upper half of a dead pointy-eared elf is sticking out of its mouth. It looks like the monster choked on the elf. The elf is wearing a backpack.