text: [Themes: modern, humor]
  
  "Fuck that, I'm not sitting around waiting for one the other dickheads around here to come waltzing by in the hopes they have something worth stealing. I know what to look for, aluminum, brass, stuff like that, not that normal iron shit. And I know this building has got it! I can sense it!" you point to the building nearby.
  "How do you know?"
  "Cause I got fuckin' instinct! That's why! Besides it used to hold plumbing supplies, now come on!"
  
  You enter the building, looks like its been gutted of everything long ago, but of course most of these dumb asses never think to look past the first floor, let alone the basement. Which is where you're heading.
  
  You head down the stairs, with Dan following close behind, you start looking around, and you see some regular iron piping lying on the ground. You tell Dan to start gathering all of those up and find a box to shove them in for easier movement. You explore some more as Dan goes about doing that, and it appears you were correct to search here. You find some boxes of brass valves and piping. You put those aside with the iron you found. You and Dan figure you've found a good enough haul and start loading the stuff into the back of your pick up truck. Nobody around, good. You certainly found a lot of stuff down in the basement and you didn't even explore all of it.
  
  > go back and try to get more
  You tell Dan that you should take one more look around and then leave.
  
  You re-enter the basement, but go a little further this time, the floor underneath is getting a little less safe. Dan says there probably isn't anything else here and you should leave since the disturbance you've been causing has been attracting some mighty big rats, and the roaches aren't too small either. But you feel like there's something else that you're missing, and that's when you see it, a golden faucet, lying all by its lonesome on a table. The only problem is the floor is pretty much rotten looking, it's barely supporting weight of the table by the looks of it, if you went over there, you might fall through. Dan refuses to go any further which is just as well. You however have to try...
  
  You slowly begin to creep across; you gaze at the golden faucet in wonder and rub your chin...you grab it. Nothing happens.
  
  "Piece of fuckin' cake." You say back to Dan who smiles and laughs.
  
  Suddenly the floor starts to crumble! You jump forward the avoid falling into the depths, and keep running as the floor disintegrates underneath your feet. All this commotion causes the rats to attack, and Dan shoot a couple times at a nearby pack before fleeing as well. Unfortunately he accidentally shoots a weakened support column and now the ceiling is crumbling as well as the floor below.
  
  You continue to run and leap, as annoyed mutant cockroaches spit whatever they're fucking spitting at you. You feel some of it burning through your clothes though. You manage to avoid the ceiling from crashing on you, but the floor is still giving you problems, especially since part of it in front of you gives way forcing you to stop briefly. Dan is on the other side.
  
  "It's a big jump; you're not going to clear it completely! Throw the faucet! You'll need both hands to hold on to the side, I'll pull you up!"
  "Fuck you, you'll run off with it!"
  "No I won't! You got the truck keys! Come on those rats are getting closer!"
  
  You're hesitant, but you throw it. Dan catches it.
  
  "Sorry Mel, but you should've remembered I can hotwire a vehicle!" he says and runs off.
  "MOTHERFUCKER!" you yell. The rats are closing in; you got no choice, but to make a jump for it. You take a short running leap and apparently you're in better shape than you thought. You make it, though you scramble quickly to get up as your legs dangle over the side and the rest of the floor starts falling apart. You also quickly pick up the baseball cap that fell off your head after you jumped.
  
  You just barely manage to make it back up the stairs and run out the door you came in, only to almost trip over Dan's body.
  
  "Mel, ya gotta help me! One of those roaches had attached themselves to pant leg and bit me! I crushed the little fucker, but I don't feel so good, it's like the venom is paralyzing me or something. Shit..."
  "Paralyzed eh? Well you won't be able to stop me from taking this back then, you treacherous bastard! And if live through the damn night, don't let me catch you hanging around the trailer park again, or I'll fucking kick your nuts so damn hard, you're gonna need a dentist to give you your next hernia check!" you say and get in your truck as quickly as possible as angry and savage scrap collectors start showing up suddenly to stop you from taking what they consider rightfully their claim. You give them all the finger out the window as you make your good escape.
  
  You make a sizable amount of money at the scrap yard seeing as you don't need to share it now. As for the faucet, you decide to keep it as a symbol of your adventurous victory and install it at your own place, proudly displaying as if it was in a museum.
  
  Tina thinks it really makes the place look classy and decides you deserve a more carnal reward.
  
  Well you survived a life and death situation, got the money and fucked the girl. A happy end, just like in the movies!
  
  Roll credits!