text: [Themes: Wordplay]
  
  > go downwards
  You are on the first floor of The Teapot Cafe, standing next to your table under the shadowy umbrage of the second floor balcony, which can be reached by a stairway.
  
  The waitress stomps after you.
  
  > eat the crow
  You find nitty-gritty crow to be inedible.
  
  > get the recipe card
  He rips it away from you.
  
  > take the spleen
  Never in a thousand years.
  
  > Clean Card
  It's not worth it. Believe me.
  
  > ask the cook about the meal
  The big guy is speechless.
  
  > look at the cook
  The cook appears to be a big man with a short fuse. His hulking figure is covered with prickly five-and-ten o'clock shadows of hair stubble. Blubbery hammocks of basting bicep hang from each upper arm, and swing heavily through the air, following the cook's mammoth frenzy of food preparation.
  It seems that the cook has nothing.
  
  > cut the hair
  [What do you want to cut the hair with?]
  
  > Hatchet
  Why bother?
  
  > Hint
  [Warning: It is recognized that the temptation for help may at times be so exceedingly strong that you might fetch hints prematurely. Therefore, you may at any time during the story type HINTS OFF, and this will disallow the seeking out of help for the present session of the story. If you still want a hint now, indicate HINT.]
  
  > Hint
  N = nextP = previous
  RETURN = See hintQ = Resume story
  
  > Eyes Have It        Olive Tree
  Micky Spleen        The Coals
  Tablecloth          Napkin
  Your Table          Ceiling
  The Shadows         The Carpet
  Lions' Share        Blood Caper
  Pie                 Pet Peeves
  Crow                Can Can
  A Turkey            Frying Pan
  Rump Roast          Own Devices
  Headband            Ox-idental
  Dander
  Woodchip
  A Fortune
  Neon Sign
  Riot Act
  Desserts
  
  > Go north
  N = nextP = previous
  RETURN = See hintQ = Resume story
  
  > Micky Spleen        The Coals
  Tablecloth          Napkin
  Your Table          Ceiling
  The Shadows         The Carpet
  Lions' Share        Blood Caper
  Pie                 Pet Peeves
  Crow                Can Can
  A Turkey            Frying Pan
  Rump Roast          Own Devices
  Headband            Ox-idental
  Dander
  Woodchip
  A Fortune
  Neon Sign
  Riot Act
  Desserts
  
  > Go north
  N = nextP = previous
  RETURN = See hintQ = Resume story
  
  > Tablecloth          Napkin
  Your Table          Ceiling
  The Shadows         The Carpet
  Lions' Share        Blood Caper
  Pie                 Pet Peeves
  Crow                Can Can
  A Turkey            Frying Pan
  Rump Roast          Own Devices
  Headband            Ox-idental
  Dander
  Woodchip
  A Fortune
  Neon Sign
  Riot Act
  Desserts
  
  N = nextP = previous
  RETURN = See hintQ = Resume story
  
  Tablecloth          Napkin
  > Your Table          Ceiling
  The Shadows         The Carpet
  Lions' Share        Blood Caper
  Pie                 Pet Peeves
  Crow                Can Can
  A Turkey            Frying Pan
  Rump Roast          Own Devices
  Headband            Ox-idental
  Dander
  Woodchip
  A Fortune
  Neon Sign
  Riot Act
  Desserts
  
  N = nextP = previous
  RETURN = See hintQ = Resume story
  
  Tablecloth          Napkin
  Your Table          Ceiling
  > The Shadows         The Carpet
  Lions' Share        Blood Caper
  Pie                 Pet Peeves
  Crow                Can Can
  A Turkey            Frying Pan
  Rump Roast          Own Devices
  Headband            Ox-idental
  Dander
  Woodchip
  A Fortune
  Neon Sign
  Riot Act
  Desserts
  
  N = nextP = previous
  RETURN = See hintQ = Resume story
  
  Tablecloth          Napkin
  Your Table          Ceiling
  The Shadows         The Carpet
  > Lions' Share        Blood Caper
  Pie                 Pet Peeves
  Crow                Can Can
  A Turkey            Frying Pan
  Rump Roast          Own Devices
  Headband            Ox-idental
  Dander
  Woodchip
  A Fortune
  Neon Sign
  Riot Act
  Desserts
  
  N = nextP = previous
  RETURN = See hintQ = Resume story
  
  Tablecloth          Napkin
  Your Table          Ceiling
  The Shadows         The Carpet
  Lions' Share        Blood Caper
  > Pie                 Pet Peeves
  Crow                Can Can
  A Turkey            Frying Pan
  Rump Roast          Own Devices
  Headband            Ox-idental
  Dander
  Woodchip
  A Fortune
  Neon Sign
  Riot Act
  Desserts
  
  N = nextP = previous
  RETURN = See hintQ = Resume story
  
  Tablecloth          Napkin
  Your Table          Ceiling
  The Shadows         The Carpet
  Lions' Share        Blood Caper
  Pie                 Pet Peeves
  > Crow                Can Can
  A Turkey            Frying Pan
  Rump Roast          Own Devices
  Headband            Ox-idental
  Dander
  Woodchip
  A Fortune
  Neon Sign
  Riot Act
  Desserts
  
  N = nextP = previous
  RETURN = See hintQ = Resume story
  
  Tablecloth          Napkin
  Your Table          Ceiling
  The Shadows         The Carpet
  Lions' Share        Blood Caper
  Pie                 Pet Peeves
  Crow                Can Can
  > A Turkey            Frying Pan
  Rump Roast          Own Devices
  Headband            Ox-idental
  Dander
  Woodchip
  A Fortune
  Neon Sign
  Riot Act
  Desserts
  
  N = nextP = previous
  RETURN = See hintQ = Resume story
  
  Tablecloth          Napkin
  Your Table          Ceiling
  The Shadows         The Carpet
  Lions' Share        Blood Caper
  Pie                 Pet Peeves
  Crow                Can Can
  A Turkey            Frying Pan
  > Rump Roast          Own Devices
  Headband            Ox-idental
  Dander
  Woodchip
  A Fortune
  Neon Sign
  Riot Act
  Desserts
  
  N = nextP = previous
  RETURN = See hintQ = Resume story
  
  Tablecloth          Napkin
  Your Table          Ceiling
  The Shadows         The Carpet
  Lions' Share        Blood Caper
  Pie                 Pet Peeves
  Crow                Can Can
  A Turkey            Frying Pan
  Rump Roast          Own Devices
  > Headband            Ox-idental
  Dander
  Woodchip
  A Fortune
  Neon Sign
  Riot Act
  Desserts
  
  N = nextP = previous
  RETURN = See hintQ = Resume story
  
  Tablecloth          Napkin
  Your Table          Ceiling
  The Shadows         The Carpet
  Lions' Share        Blood Caper
  Pie                 Pet Peeves
  Crow                Can Can
  A Turkey            Frying Pan
  Rump Roast          Own Devices
  Headband            Ox-idental
  > Dander
  Woodchip
  A Fortune
  Neon Sign
  Riot Act
  Desserts
  
  N = nextP = previous
  RETURN = See hintQ = Resume story
  
  Tablecloth          Napkin
  Your Table          Ceiling
  The Shadows         The Carpet
  Lions' Share        Blood Caper
  Pie                 Pet Peeves
  Crow                Can Can
  A Turkey            Frying Pan
  Rump Roast          Own Devices
  Headband            Ox-idental
  Dander
  > Woodchip
  A Fortune
  Neon Sign
  Riot Act
  Desserts
  
  N = nextP = previous
  RETURN = See hintQ = Resume story
  
  Tablecloth          Napkin
  Your Table          Ceiling
  The Shadows         The Carpet
  Lions' Share        Blood Caper
  Pie                 Pet Peeves
  Crow                Can Can
  A Turkey            Frying Pan
  Rump Roast          Own Devices
  Headband            Ox-idental
  Dander
  Woodchip
  > A Fortune
  Neon Sign
  Riot Act
  Desserts
  
  N = nextP = previous
  RETURN = See hintQ = Resume story
  
  Tablecloth          Napkin
  Your Table          Ceiling
  The Shadows         The Carpet
  Lions' Share        Blood Caper
  Pie                 Pet Peeves
  Crow                Can Can
  A Turkey            Frying Pan
  Rump Roast          Own Devices
  Headband            Ox-idental
  Dander
  Woodchip
  A Fortune
  > Neon Sign
  Riot Act
  Desserts
  
  N = nextP = previous
  RETURN = See hintQ = Resume story
  
  Tablecloth          Napkin
  Your Table          Ceiling
  The Shadows         The Carpet
  Lions' Share        Blood Caper
  Pie                 Pet Peeves
  Crow                Can Can
  A Turkey            Frying Pan
  Rump Roast          Own Devices
  Headband            Ox-idental
  Dander
  Woodchip
  A Fortune
  Neon Sign
  > Riot Act
  Desserts
  
  N = nextP = previous
  RETURN = See hintQ = Resume story
  
  Tablecloth          Napkin
  Your Table          Ceiling
  The Shadows         The Carpet
  Lions' Share        Blood Caper
  Pie                 Pet Peeves
  Crow                Can Can
  A Turkey            Frying Pan
  Rump Roast          Own Devices
  Headband            Ox-idental
  Dander
  Woodchip
  A Fortune
  Neon Sign
  Riot Act
  > Desserts
  
  N = nextP = previous
  RETURN = See hintQ = Resume story
  
  Eyes Have It      > Olive Tree
  Micky Spleen        The Coals
  Tablecloth          Napkin
  Your Table          Ceiling
  The Shadows         The Carpet
  Lions' Share        Blood Caper
  Pie                 Pet Peeves
  Crow                Can Can
  A Turkey            Frying Pan
  Rump Roast          Own Devices
  Headband            Ox-idental
  Dander
  Woodchip
  A Fortune
  Neon Sign
  Riot Act
  Desserts
  
  > go to the north
  N = nextP = previous
  RETURN = See hintQ = Resume story
  
  Micky Spleen      > The Coals
  Tablecloth          Napkin
  Your Table          Ceiling
  The Shadows         The Carpet
  Lions' Share        Blood Caper
  Pie                 Pet Peeves
  Crow                Can Can
  A Turkey            Frying Pan
  Rump Roast          Own Devices
  Headband            Ox-idental
  Dander
  Woodchip
  A Fortune
  Neon Sign
  Riot Act
  Desserts
  
  > go north
  N = nextP = previous
  RETURN = See hintQ = Resume story
  
  Tablecloth        > Napkin
  Your Table          Ceiling
  The Shadows         The Carpet
  Lions' Share        Blood Caper
  Pie                 Pet Peeves
  Crow                Can Can
  A Turkey            Frying Pan
  Rump Roast          Own Devices
  Headband            Ox-idental
  Dander
  Woodchip
  A Fortune
  Neon Sign
  Riot Act
  Desserts
  
  > hit the Ceiling
  The full brunt of your impact is taken by your head and shoulders, and the entire teapot rattles loudly as you raise the roof.
  The waitress resumes her duties, which seem to include munching on some pilfered salad makings.