text: [Themes: Haunted  House, Satire, Afterlife, hell]
  
  All is dark and quiet. There is no sensation, no time. Your mind floats peacefully in a void. You perceive nothing, you feel nothing, you think nothing. Sleep without dreams.
  
  All is hazy and gray. Sensation is vague and indistinct. Your mind
  is sluggish, sleepy. You see gray shapes in a gray fog; you hear distant, muffled sounds. You think, but your thoughts are fleeting, disconnected, momentary flashes of light in a dark night. Time is still frames separated by eons of nothing, brief awakenings in a long sleep.
  
  All is clear and sharp. Sensation crystalizes from a fog. You see, you hear, you feel. Your mind awakens; you become aware of a place, and a time.
  
  You are on a boat.
  
  You're in the main passenger compartment of a large luxury yacht.
  Your seat, J-33, is a large, plush seat next to a window that occupies most of the wall. The boat is about half-filled with people of various ages and races, most dressed in casual clothes. A stairway leads up, and another compartment lies to the south.
  
  [Author's Note: The afterlife isn't what you expected. Explore a strangely modernized and bureaucratic underworld, replete with strip malls, government offices, and science labs, as well as the occasional lake of molten rock.]
  
  > check your inventory
  You are empty-handed.
  
  > About yourself
  You look about the same as always.
  
  > look through the window
  It's quite dark outside, but a red glow on the horizon provides enough light to see that the boat is traveling rapidly down a wide river. You can't make out any detail on the banks. The waters of the river are dark and still below a thin film of mist, which the boat seems barely to upset.
  
  > examine the seat
  It's a large, plush seat, labeled J-33. It's a window seat.
  
  > Go south
  You're in the yacht's wet bar. The only exit is north, back into
  the main cabin.
  A bartender is here.
  
  > examine bartender
  He's a middle-aged man with slightly graying hair.
  
  > ask the bartender about the bar
  "The drinks are all free. Beer, liquor -- we have a wide selection."
  
  > give you a the beer
  "Right away!" He gets out a large mug and fills it with beer from the tap. He hands you the glass.
  
  > check your inventory
  You have a mug of beer.
  
  > About yourself
  You look about the same as always.
  
  > drink the beer
  You drink the mug of beer all at once. It's very good. You notice a slight alcoholic buzz, but it clears fairly quickly. After you finish, the glass vanishes into thin air.
  
  > ask the bartender about the hell
  "I kind of like it here."
  
  > ask the bartender about the captain
  "You can't go ask him yourself. He's happy to talk to passengers."
  
  > read the note
  This game is freeware. You may use and copy it free of charge, subject to certain restrictions. Please see the included readme file for details.
  
  If you need instructions for playing this game, type INSTRUCTIONS at the > prompt.
  
  > go east
  You're in the boat's control room. A large window looks out onto
  the river. A doorway leads west, back out onto the deck.
  The boat's pilot is here, operating the controls.
  
  > examine the pilot
  The boat's pilot is here, operating the controls.
  
  > ask the pilot about boat
  "This is a very nice boat, don't you think? We used to use a small rowboat, but lots of people complained that the passage to the afterlife should be a little nicer. Besides, with more people dying these days, it was getting crowded."
  
  > ask the pilot about the captain
  "I was a programmer before I got here. But there's not much need for programming skills here, so I do this instead."
  
  > examine captain
  The boat's pilot is here, operating the controls.
  
  The captain starts fiddling with the controls. "We're there," he
  says. Outside, you can see a pier come into view on the western bank; the captain guides the boat silently alongside the pier and brings it to a halt. As the boat comes to rest against the pier, a gangway extends toward the boat, and settles on the deck.
  "Attention, passengers," the captain says into a microphone. "We
  have arrived. You may disembark at your leisure." You see a few passengers start to disembark.
  
  > ask the pilot about the bartender
  "The drinks at the bar are free. Help yourself! Just ask the bartender for a beer, liquor, what have you. But let me know if you see any of those Infernolab guys down there -- they always come running when they hear there's an open bar somewhere."
  
  > ask the captain about the infernolab
  "They're just a bunch of drunkards, if you ask me."
  
  > ask the captain about the hell
  "It's a little strange at first, but you'll get used to it."
  
  > take the note
  Taken.
  
  > Go west
  You're on a large, brightly-lit pier. The pier is obviously quite
  new; it's constructed from steel, and the walkway has a rubbery surface and attractive wooden handrails to make it safer. The large white yacht which brought you here is docked alongside; a gangway leads east onto the boat's deck. To the north lies the entrance to a large one-story brick building. The building has the look of a high school or a post office -- that sort of simple, utilitarian style of a government building.
  You see a rope here.
  
  [Your score just went up. If you don't want to be notified of score changes like this in the future, just type NOTIFY.]
  
  > notify
  You will no longer be notified of score changes. If you change your mind and want to be notified again, just type NOTIFY again.
  
  > look at the rope
  It's a thick rope, about ten feet long, for securing boats at the pier. One end of the rope is tied into a loop, so it can be slipped over posts on the pier.
  
  > examine the building
  The building has the look of a high school or a post office -- that sort of simple, utilitarian style of a government building.
  
  > go north
  This is a large room with a high ceiling, brightly illuminated with fluorescent lights. Most of your fellow passengers are here, sitting in folding chairs facing a podium; many empty chairs are available. An exit leads to the south, and another passage leads north.
  
  > sit
  (the folding chair)
  As you sit down, a middle-aged woman enters the room and walks to the podium. "Good afternoon, everyone," she says, addressing the assembled group of passengers. "Welcome to the afterlife. I'm here to help you get started, give you basic information about the underworld, and answer any questions you have.
  "Let me start by saying that we're very glad to have you here. Just take your time getting acquainted with your surroundings. There's no hurry -- you're going to be here for a long time!" She chuckles and smiles. "Seriously, though, I think you'll find that being dead isn't very hard once you find your way around.
  "Now, once you've had a chance to explore for a while, you'll
  probably want to find a job. There are many very interesting positions available, and we'll be happy to help you find something that's right for you.
  "I'm sure you all have many questions, so don't be shy. Who's
  first?"
  
  Someone at the front of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you at the front," the woman says, pointing to her.
  "Is this heaven or hell?" she asks.
  The woman responds, "You know what they say -- if you have to ask
  --" she chuckles. "It is technically hell, although that's such a loaded word that we don't like to use it. Most ideas people have about hell are very outdated. Ever since the deregulation of the afterlife industry, we've had to compete with Heaven for eternal souls -- because you're free to switch to Heaven at any time. So, we've been modernizing! There really isn't much eternal torment these days, for example. And, thanks to the Environmental Clean-up Superfund, we have the brimstone problem mostly under control at this point."
  
  > ask the woman about the woman
  Try as you might, you can't seem to attract her attention -- someone always gets in with a question first.
  
  Someone in the middle of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you in the middle," the woman says, pointing to her.
  "Can I go back to earth as a ghost and haunt people?" she asks.
  The woman responds, "No, unfortunately not. However, our top scientists are working on this problem, and the latest reports indicate that it may be possible in the near future. Those of you with scientific backgrounds, in particular those of you who went to Caltech and really understand what makes a good prank, may want to look into joining the project."
  
  > wait a while
  Time passes...
  
  Someone at the right of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you at the right," the woman says, pointing to her.
  "I was wondering, where is the famous 'All hope abandon, ye who
  enter here' sign? I want to get some pictures with it." she asks.
  The woman responds, "Actually, the sign said 'Lasciate ogni
  speranza, voi ch'entrate,' and I'm afraid it's been taken down. People found it too depressing. But there are several very nice vista points that you can find in the tour book."
  
  > wait awhile
  Time passes...
  
  Someone at the left of the room raises his hand. "Yes, you at the left," the woman says, pointing to him.
  "Which circle of hell are we doomed to?" he asks.
  The woman responds, "We abolished the circle system shortly after
  the middle ages after the 'separate and unequal' principle was ruled illegal. You're free to go wherever you'd like -- even up to Heaven."
  
  > Wait
  Time passes...
  
  Someone at the rear of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you at the rear," the woman says, pointing to her.
  "Why did I end up here? What did I do wrong?" she asks.
  The woman responds, "Really, you must shed your outdated notions of hell. You don't have to do anything wrong to end up here. New souls are randomly assigned to Heaven or Hell based on the last four digits of your Celestial Security Number. The Heaven-Hell border was opened a long time ago, though, so your initial assignment is not permanent."
  
  > wait a while
  Time passes...
  
  Someone at the right of the room raises his hand. "Yes, you at the right," the woman says, pointing to him.
  "You said we can go to Heaven. How do we get there?" he asks.
  The woman responds, "The easiest way is to use the HadesCorp Space Needle. It's impossible to miss -- it's the tallest free-standing structure in hell. The view from the elevator is fantastic."
  
  > Wait
  Time passes...
  
  Someone at the left of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you at the left," the woman says, pointing to her.
  "You mentioned jobs. What if I don't want to work?" she asks.
  The woman responds, "That's up to you. Dead people have no material needs. And, unlike in real life, you'll find that you won't need to eat or sleep every forty or fifty turns, which is a real convenience. However, most people like to feel useful, and derive a sense of purpose from their employment here."
  
  > wait
  Time passes...
  
  Someone in the middle of the room raises his hand. "Yes, you in the middle," the woman says, pointing to him.
  "I used to work as a lobbyist. Are similar positions available
  here?" he asks.
  The woman responds, "Absolutely! However, you may find that there
  are quite a few lobbyists in Hell, which will probably not surprise anyone. Incidentally, anyone interested in public affairs should tune in to H-SPAN, which broadcasts programs that cover a wide array of current events. I believe the station number is 319."
  
  > Wait
  Time passes...
  
  Someone at the rear of the room raises his hand. "Yes, you at the rear," the woman says, pointing to him.
  "I'm a very rich individual and I refuse to be treated in this
  manner. I've made charitable contributions all my life, and we've never beaten the help -- not when they didn't deserve it, anyway, the lazy bastards. This is an outrage! You can be sure you will be hearing from my lawyer! What do you have to say for yourself?" he asks.
  The woman responds, "I'm sure you have a very good case. However,
  I'm afraid that the legal system in Hell is based on the United States judicial system. So, as you must know, the courts are so overloaded with frivolous lawsuits that legitimate claims, such as yours undoubtedly is, cannot be accepted. Any lawsuit found to have merit is immediately and summarily dismissed. There are some very good personal injury lawyers that you might wish to contact, though."
  
  > wait a while
  Time passes...
  
  Someone at the front of the room raises his hand. "Yes, you at the front," the woman says, pointing to him.
  "I used to drive nitro-burning ground-pounding six-second funny
  cars. Is there any chance that I'll be able to shake hands with the devil while I scream through the gates of Hell?" he asks.
  The woman responds, "I'm afraid that, due to the volume of new immigrants, the devil is unable to personally greet each new arrival."