text: [Themes: fantasy, fantasy]
  
  The messenger, a tall dwarf of about five feet, stumbles into King Hrongeir II's Throne Room, clasping tightly a piece of rolled up parchment in his left hand. There are three arrows, one in his stomach, one in his forearm, and one in his thigh. He does not seem to mind, and gives the parchment to your King.
  
  The Throne Room is the size of a large house in itself. It has dark brick walls, with fancy red curtains and banners depicting dragons, as are the symbol of Thragnazil. The Bladefury Throne is at the center of the room, on a large raised platform. There are entrances leading into the room from all directions. Ten heavily-armored guards protect this room alone. There is a fancy red carpet covering the floor.
  
  Standing beside him, you, the Royal General of Thragnazil, do not attempt to read the letter, as the penalty for that could be death. You instead wait until he finishes reading and ask if all is well.
  
  He shakes his head solemnly, resting his head on his hand like he always does when he is upset.
  
  "This is a letter from Lord Eofrain Northblade of Throfakin," Hrongeir sighs. "Throfakin was besieged by a powerful army, dressed in twisted black armor. Korling believes they were Witheron Knights, but that would be absurd. That would suggest... The end."
  
  You nod, worrying greatly about the situation. If there is a powerful army on the loose, especially if they are Witheron Knights, than you will have trouble dealing with them. Hrongeir will definitely want to defend his kingdom.
  
  You look to the messenger to ask for more information, but he see that he lays dead on the floor, the blood from his wounds pouring out onto the luxurious carpet of the room. The King hands you the letter.
  
  > Lore of Bordevar
  Bordevar is one of many realms in the Shards of Eldevar, a universe created by the destruction of a body called Eldevar. The sun is called Ultivar, and it is stained red from the blood of gods.
  
  There are three landmasses on Bordevar, but this storygame only takes place on Cendarea. This continent is divided three sections.
  
  The northernmost, Stellaron, is cold and stormy. The northern reaches of this land are snowy year-round, and only the dwarves have settlements here. Thragnazil is one of many dwarf cities in the north, and it is the capital of a kingdom with the same name. Among the kingdom's other cities are Throfakin and Thoragrinn, both mostly underground. The southern area of Stellaron is cold, although it is only snowy in the winter and late fall. There are many human cities, and the lands are claimed by the great empire of Ankodar. The largest human outpost here is Morgadil, with a population nearly the same as Throfakin or Thoragrinn.
  
  Ankodar is the land to the south of Stellaron. It is mostly claimed by the empire of Ankodar, although there are other kingdoms there as well. The capital of Ankodar, Hrostford, is a great trading hub and has a large harbor. There are more ships there than any other city on Bordevar. Other kingdoms in Ankodar include the great forest of Morgryn, ancestral home of the wolf-like lupians (called Beast-Kin by some) and the city-state of Yosthold, where some of the lupians rallied long ago to protect themselves from their captors, the Or'bala dynasty of Wendevall.
  
  The southernmost land is Wendevall, a tropical land of deserts and jungles. The capital is Volikros, a large city with a bad name due to treacherous wizards and the presence of the Voidwalkers, assassins who worship the God of the Void, Voliigtar. The island of Everhath lies not far off the coast, where the elves live. They do not allow anyone to enter or leave their great city. In addition, the self-governed city of Galda lies within Wendevall's borders. Wendevall is known for its flourishing slave trade.
  
  The island of Koda lies fairly close to the continent, and is often considered part of it. There, in the volcano of Mount Grinus, lives the God of Beasts and Nature, Bogchop, with his nine beardon elders. The beardons and keetears both originate from that strange island, and large amounts still live there.
  
  The races that live on Bordevar include humans, elves, dwarves, and other races unique to this fantasy.
  
  Lupians are wolf-like creatures that were created during experiments of the Pholoni Cult, when they crossed men with wolves. They were cast out by the other civilized races and went into hiding in Morgryn. They are also known as the Beast-kin. Notable lupians include Borik the Mauler, first lord of Yosthold and one of the members of the Blades of Ultmora, and Thralk, a prophet who lived and died in Morgryn.
  
  Scelepori (plural of sceleporus) are a reptilian race with fast reflexes and great intelligence. There are several different sub-species, some with horns, some without, and with different types of scales. Notable scelepori include Scilizon, a hero who was part of the Keepers of the Eye. He was the one who guarded the Eye, keeping with him at all times. His order worked hard to guard the dangerous Eye of Withros from evildoers, but over time they disappeared.
  
  Beardons are massive creatures, created by Bogchop alongside Keetears before even humans. Even those considered "weak" are often strong enough to kill humans in a single blow. Notable beardons include the nine elders of Bogchop, who were chosen to be immortal by the God himself. One was murdered in the forest, which turned the place into a haunted, frightening place.
  
  Keetears are bird-like creatures with varying colors of feathers based on their home. Those found in swamps often have dull feathers, and jungle-dwellers have bright, multicolored feathers. The keetear blood has magic in it, and they make powerful wizards.
  
  > The Letter
  To King Hrongeir II,
  
  The situation in your city of Throfakin grows worse and worse as the days go by. I have been trapped in the walls for a week now, and have lost hundreds of men trying to drive the enemy back. If they haven't attacked your city yet, then consider this a warning. I beg of you, do not try to send aid to Throfakin. You need as many men as you can muster to protect the capital, and Throfakin is doomed anyways. It has been a pleasure serving you, my lord, but I fear that I will serve you for not much longer.
  
  With respects, Eofrain Northblade, Lord of Throfakin.[Themes: modern, humor]
  
  It is Christmas Eve in my Dad's bed. Stockings hang above the fireplace and a quiet but constant jingle of sleigh bells can be heard emitting from an unknown source. The sleigh bells seem to come from nowhere and everywhere. They have been ringing for days.
  
  My dad's other spinal discs rest deep in slumber. You are the only disc who is awake.
  
  You hear a gentle rattle from the window next to my dad's bed.
  
  [Author's Note: You Are A Disc In My Dad's Spinal Cord. Can You Make His Back Stop Hurting In Time For Christmas?]
  
  > investigate the rattle.
  A small goblin stands outside my dad's window. The goblin is wearing a christmas cap and leather shoes. You immediately recognize that he is a christmas goblin.
  
  > approach the christmas goblin.
  You pop out of my dad's spine and roll over to the window. The christmas goblin motions for you to open it.
  
  > open the window.
  "I am the christmas goblin", says the christmas goblin. "I am here to assign you your christmas quest. The quest must be completed tonight or you will never meet God in heaven".
  
  > accept the goblin's christmas quest.
  The goblin vomits a tiny scroll. He hands the scroll to you and somersaults backwards out the window. A flying car catches him in midair. Thin Lizzy's "The Boys Are Back in Town" blares from the car's radio. He flies away.
  
  > read the scroll.
  "Hello", the scroll says. "I am the scroll of the christmas quest. If you complete me, I will fix the back pain of the man you live inside of. This will allow him to have a very good christmas and also when you die you will meet God in heaven. Deal?
  
  > Deal.
  The scroll expands into a large paper square, then folds itself many times into an origami jet ski. The jet ski revs its engine multiple times, inviting you to climb on board.
  
  > board the jet ski
  The jet ski launches itself through my dad's wall, creating a jet ski shaped hole next to my dad's window. It moves at an alarming speed. A flock of Canadian Geese flies by you in the opposite direction. Because of this, you can tell that the jet ski is heading north.
  
  > continue to fly North.
  After flying North for several hours, you see a sign that says "Welcome to The North Pole". The jet ski suddenly shifts down as soon as you reach the sign, hurtling towards the earth.
  
  > brace for impact.
  The jet ski lands hard in the snow as you skitter to a halt. As you land, the jet ski transforms back into a scroll and folds itself into the palm of your hand.
  
  > observe your surroundings.
  Further North stands a factory with a big sign labeled "Santa's Workshop". To the east you can see a pack of humanoid walrus like creatures huddled in a circle, staring at something. To the west lies a large cave.
  
  > head East towards the walrus creatures.
  In the middle of the walrus circle stands a slightly smaller walrus who is attempting to balance a wicker basket on their head. The basket is filled with raw fish and eggs. A timer lays at their feet. One minute remains.
  
  > stand still and observe the walrus.
  The walrus continues to balance the egg and fish basket on their head. They're doing a pretty good job but it seems like there's still a chance that they might mess up and blow it if you distract them.
  
  > bang your head against the ice to create a distraction.
  You bang your head real loud against the ice and it hurts a whole bunch. This does nothing to stop the little walrus from balancing but now some of the other walruses are staring at you.
  
  > fold the paper scroll into a basket and attempt to balance something else on your head.
  You pile up a large mound of snow and stuff it into your paper basket. You place the basket on top of your head and stand on one foot. You manage to keep the basket balanced in place. Some of the other walruses stop looking at the center walrus and stare at you instead.
  
  > keep balancing.
  As you continue to balance the basket upon your head more and more walruses turn to look at you. One of the walruses begins humming a familiar rhythm. A few standing next to them gradually join in. You can't tell what it is at first but then it hits you: The walruses are humming the chorus to Thin Lizzy's "The Boys Are Back In Town".
  
  > scream The Lyrics to Thin Lizzy's "The Boys Are Back in Town"
  "THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN, THE BOYS ARE BACK IN TOWN" you bellow. More of the walruses start to bob their heads. It's really hard to balance the basket on your head and scream at the same time.
  
  > keep screaming
  You scream louder and louder until all of the walruses are staring at you. They clap their fins to the rhythm of the beat and are really getting into it.
  
  > switch to singing at a reasonable volume as not to lose your balance
  You switch from screaming to singing and regain your balance. All of the walruses, including the one balancing fish and eggs on its head, make gargling noises which resemble the pitch and melody of Thin Lizzy's "The Boys Are Back In Town". They continue to slap their fins together and nod in rhythm to the beat of the song.
  
  The timer makes a dinging sound. The walruses break out into a polite applause and nod in approval. Two of the larger ones pick you up and hoist you upon their shoulders. The walruses begin to march towards the factory with the sign labeled "Santa's Workshop". The two carrying you have a pretty tight grip on your legs.
  
  > Struggle to escape
  The walruses are pretty reluctant to let go of you but ultimately allow you to stand back on the ice. They all seem super bummed out and keep walking towards the sign labeled "Santa's Workshop" without you.
  
  > change your mind, you want to be carried by big walruses to the sign labeled "Santa's Workshop"
  The walruses all cheer and another round of polite applause is delivered in your honor. The same two larger walruses hoist you back up on their shoulders and everyone is marching towards the sign labeled "Santa's Workshop" again.
  
  > change your mind again, take you back.
  Further North stands a factory with a big sign labeled "Santa's Workshop". To the west lies a large cave. To the east are the walruses which you hate.
  
  > head North towards the factory.
  You approach the factory, but nothing happens.
  
  Further North stands a factory with a big sign labeled "Santa's Workshop". To the west lies a large cave. To the east are the walruses which you hate.
  
  > head West towards the cave.
  You approach the cave's entrance. Ice donned stalactites dangle like teeth from the ceiling above. A cold breeze can be felt emitting from deep within.
  
  As you tread through the cave you hear the soft rummaging of muffled foot steps echo in the distance.
  
  > walk deeper into the cave.
  Without warning the echoing footsteps suddenly swell louder and louder. Their pace increases from an idle meander to a full borne sprint. You realize they're coming from behind you and turn to identify the source.
  
  A large yeti stands behind you. Goat like horns protrude from the center of his head.
  
  "My dude", says the yeti. "Who wants to get fucked up on coffee?"
  
  > say "Hell yeah, I'll take a hit"
  "My dude", says the yeti. "I put six shots of espresso in this coffee so that my anxiety will catapult me into building a boat. I need to build this boat in order to cross the moat which guards the back of Santa's Workshop. If you split this coffee with me and help me build this boat real quick, I'll take you to Santa's Workshop. Deal?"
  
  > say "Okay"
  You get absolutely trashed on coffee and both you and the yeti's anxiety goes through the roof. You think a lot about aging and people you've lost contact with over the years and start to sweat real bad but this boat is looking fucking swole.
  
  > get way too trashed and build a boat that is too big
  "Goddamn, we made this boat way too big" says the yeti. "This boat is so big I don't even think we can leave the cave anymore. How the fuck did this happen, I have never seen a boat this goddamn big".
  
  The yeti paces in circles around the corner of the boat he is stuck behind and gesticulates wildly.
  
  > start to remove big chunks of the boat until it is small enough to leave
  You start to remove large pieces of the boat until it is finally small enough to be removed from the cave. The yeti eventually calms down and helps you.
  
  "What a swole ass boat", says the yeti. "Goddamn this is a tight fucking boat. I can't wait to take this boat to the moat which surrounds Santa's Workshop and sneak inside".
  
  > take the boat out of cave and cross the moat which surrounds Santa's Workshop
  You and the yeti cross the moat which surrounds the back of Santa's Workshop together and manage to make it inside.
  
  "Thanks for helping me construct this sick ass boat", says the yeti. "Super dope project. I'm going to go rummage around for model trains".
  
  The yeti wanders off to rummage around for model trains.
  
  You see a large lever to your right.
  
  > pull the lever.
  A rift opens in the snow in front of you, revealing a staircase that leads to a large metal corridor.
  
  At the end of the corridor is a large massage chair. A big man with a long white beard and a christmas cap sits upon the chair. This man is the man you know as Santa Claus. You know him from television and magazines.
  
  > wave hello
  "Hello, I am Santa Claus" says Santa Claus. "You probably know me from television and magazines. A christmas goblin told me you are here to complete your Christmas quest so that you can meet God in heaven. Is this all correct?
  
  > Sounds good to you.
  "Okay, great" says Santa Claus. "To complete your Christmas quest I am going to give you this $3000 Brookstone massage chair. You should make the man you live inside of sit in this chair the whole rest of the night with the massager on 'high' and his back should hurt way less in the morning. Deal?"
  
  > The man you live inside of has a back which is pretty messed up, you are not convinced a $3000 massage chair will be enough to make it stop hurting.
  "Alright", says Santa Claus. "Here are all of the things for men with garbage backs that I have which might make him feel better. Let me know which one of these seems like the best option, and I will give it to you to complete your Christmas quest.
  
  The things I have are:
  
  1. A new back made out of titanium rods, silicone and rocks.
  
  2. A new Vive HTC Pro Starter Kit that the man you live inside of can wear which will make him disappear into virtual reality and never have to experience pain again.
  
  3. Michael, a license chiropractor from the state of Rhode Island who will live under the man you live inside of's bed and fix his back whenever it is bad.
  
  4. A three hour animated tutorial on Lumbar Decompression Surgery that you can watch to learn how to perform Lumbar Decompression Surgery on the man you live inside of and also some scalpels and medical stuff.
  
  5. A yoga mat.
  
  Which one of these things do you want?"
  
  > 1
  My dad has a pretty good Christmas and his back doesn't hurt the entire day. No one in my Dad's household has to eat pine needles ever again. Christmas remains legal in all countries and provinces it was previously deemed to be so. When you eventually die you meet God in heaven and it was everything you ever hoped it would be. You do not transform into a commercial fishing vessel.