text: [Themes: Fantasy, satire, pseudo-old-school, sex, Comedy, treasure hunt, humor, sidekick NPC, male protagonist, violence, mad science, fantasy, silly, absurd, humour, combat, suggestive content, rpg, barbarian, science fiction, retro, mutation, parody, pirate, science fantasy, mild profanity, cyborg, prostitution]
  
  In the science-swept world of VANTH, a young BARBARIAN has escaped the shackles of his bondage. Now a wanderer in the slave-master's realm, his destiny is his own and his QUEST is clear: pillage upon the wealth of the kingdom, and defeat the SLAVER KING once and for all!"
  
  A gentle breeze ripples the sparse grasses here, under a blood-red sun. There are many paths. You see mountains to the distant east. You feel a manly twitching in your thews, enlivened by the freedom of the open country.
  
  You can see a GLADIUS SWORD here.
  
  [Author's Note: In the cruel kingdoms north of the Viraxian Empire, a barbarian seeks treasure - and vengeance! Having escaped the clutches of the Slaver King, he has vowed to pillage the wealth of the kingdom ... then bring it to its knees. YOU are this barbarian. Weakened by your ordeal as a slave, wandering an unfamiliar realm filled with danger, you must use cunning, savagery, and something approximating English syntax to regain thy might, rally an army of friends to your cause, do repeated business with a Delicate Doxy, and do deadly violence unto the Slaver King!]
  
  > seize SWORD
  Seized.
  
  > regard SWORD
  It reminds you of a GLADIUS SWORD from your childhood.
  
  > remember SWORD
  You speak madness, barbarian! The HELP command may offer some remedy.
  
  > wield SWORD
  Thou hast exceeded the limits of SCIENTIFIC TECHNO-REASONING. Your game manual, or the HELP command, might give aid and succor.
  
  > use SWORD
  You heft the GLADIUS SWORD in your mighty hand, prepared for battle!
  
  > check your inventory
  You carry only a GLADIUS SWORD (held at the ready), and your trusty THESKIAN DUFFEL BAG.
  
  > look at BAG
  The DUFFEL BAG is crafted of sturdy THESKIAN CANVAS. It bears the stains, smells, and wear of many years of broody, restless barbarian travel.
  
  > Smell bag
  Prithee pardon, barbarian? Your game manual, or the HELP command, might give aid and succor.
  
  > open BAG
  Striveth for wisdom in thy endeavors, barbarian. Your game manual, or the HELP command, might give aid and succor.
  
  > use BAG
  The THESKIAN DUFFEL BAG is practically an extension of you; you've carried it since you were an infant, and it does its job without commands.
  
  > go north
  This ancient bridge crosses a stream running down from the uplands to the east, and disappearing into a small CULVERT at the base of a cliff. This cliff, and the SLAVER KING'S CASTLE atop it, casts an icy shadow over the bridge. There is no path to the CASTLE from here, but the ROYAL ROAD lies to the north.
  
  The OLD STONE BRIDGE is guarded by a LIZARD MAIDEN, half a head taller than you. The LIZARD MEN rarely permit their women to become warriors, but this one obviously didn't seek permission! She may even be some kind of LIZARD-AMAZON hybrid ... you know not. She would be lovely, but for her green scales, cold blood, needle-like fangs and snake-like eyes.
  
  She hefts an impressive green-metal TWO-HANDED SWORD and looks you in the eye. "I await a worthy foe, rat-slave. Dare you challenge me?" She laughs a hissing laugh. "If not, you may scurry away in peace. Only men of mettle concern me."
  
  > regard LIZARD
  The LIZARD MEN rarely permit their women to become warriors, but this one obviously didn't seek permission! Is she half AMAZON? You know not. She would be beautiful, except for her green scales, cold blood, needle-like fangs, snake-like eyes and obvious lack of regard for you.
  
  "Coward!"
  
  > Assail LIZARD
  Sa-ho! You give the LIZARD MAIDEN a sampling of your GLADIUS SWORD, but good! You scored 5 points of damage!
  
  The LIZARD MAIDEN dances in a defensive stance, watching your movements, hissing, and looking for an opening.
  
  > Assail LIZARD
  By Huron's unavoidable odor! A miss!
  
  The LIZARD MAIDEN attacks! You have suffered 13 hits of
  damage!
  
  > go to the south
  By Huron's inscrutable Bridge partners! You try to flee, but thine legs fail thee in thy battered state! You must fight ... or be vanquished!
  
  With a howl of rage, the LIZARD MAIDEN strikes! You have suffered
  9 hits of damage!
  
  > check what you're carrying
  You carry only a GLADIUS SWORD (currently un-used), and your trusty THESKIAN DUFFEL BAG.
  
  > use SWORD
  You heft the GLADIUS SWORD in your mighty hand, prepared for battle!
  
  > go south
  The remains of FALLEN TREES are here, overgrown with ferns and surrounding a half-buried shack of once-fine metal, draped with canvas and pocked with rust. You are wise in the ways of these: they are the "space-ships" that brought men from dark places in the sky, ere they fell.
  
  You notice a hatchway hanging open; you could ENTER if you so desired. This remnant of a ROCKET seems abandoned, apart from a tired-looking metallic figure slumped against its side ...
  
  You can see a ROBODROID here.
  
  > look at the robodroid
  Parts of him are clearly torn open, and rust grows on his silver skin like the lesions snarling on some Bloodhaven beggar. Tiny lights on his flat display-face shine ever-so-weakly. There is life left in him, but precious little. He moves not.
  
  > Parlay robodroid
  Thou hast exceeded the limits of SCIENTIFIC TECHNO-REASONING. Seek guidance with the HELP command.
  
  > Parley robodroid
  Take care to consider your reasoning, barbarian. The HELP command may offer some remedy.
  
  > Parlay robodroid into armor
  This computeth not. The HELP command may offer some remedy.
  
  > Parley with robodroid
  Speaking - nay, even shouting - elicits no response, save for a gentle change in the rhythm of his facial light-display. There are sparks flying from some tiny moving parts on one side of his head, where the surface is torn open ... they are too rusted to move freely.
  
  > Assail droid
  The ROBODROID is not your foe, barbarian. In fact, he seems quite helpless.
  
  > look in the head
  Art thou head-wounded? Refer to your game manual for assistance.
  
  > regard the TREES
  The "space-ship" tore many trees from their roots when it fell here. They lie here still, creating an unnatural clearing in the forest. They are now overgrown with flowers, ferns, and mosses.
  
  > examine ROCKET
  A quick visit to the ROCKET COCKPIT wouldst satisfy thy curiosity.
  
  By Huron's tainted tam-o'-shanter, it is good to feel freedom once more! After weeks of mistreatment at the hands of the SLAVER KING'S catchers, you are as weak as a youngling ... but as you raise your dark gaze toward the distant CASTLE of the SLAVER KING, you are invigorated not only by your freedom, but by the lusty dream of VENGEANCE upon him!
  
  > Go inside
  Much of the shack has been stripped for pieces, no doubt to be sold in God City, far to the west. Only scraps remain.
  
  You can see an ABSORBENT SPACE-RAG and a FLASHLIGHT here.
  
  > Pillage
  ABSORBENT SPACE-RAG: Seized.
  FLASHLIGHT: Seized.
  
  > Regard rag
  The SPACE-RAG is a fine scrap of red cloth made by the "gods" who once traveled the stars. You can use it to mop your barbarian brow, perhaps.
  
  > Regard the FLASHLIGHT
  The FLASHLIGHT is a tool of science, used to make light. It maketh thee uncomfortable.
  
  > use RAG
  You mop your savage brow with the ABSORBENT SPACE-RAG.
  
  > go east
  The forest here is mucky and warm, surrounding a sinkhole filled with iridescent, gently glowing water. Some huge PIPES lead from here into the ground, and they drip with a similar strange water. There is a foul electric odor here, and your vision swims. You can feel your body being overtaken by weakness!
  
  You can see a SUIT OF BURLAP ARMOR here.
  
  You are weakening so quickly ... Your barbarian instinct is to get far from here ...
  
  > get the armor
  Seized.
  
  You are weakening so quickly ... Your barbarian instinct is to get far from here ...
  
  > Regard the armor
  It's just about the humblest suit of armor you've ever seen, but it's better than nothing. It's glowing gently ... probably from sitting near a PHASIC SUMP for so long.
  
  > use the armor
  You don the SUIT OF BURLAP ARMOR. Now you are well-suited for bloody mayhem!
  
  > assess yourself
  From any but a barbarian, I would presume such a command SORCERY most perplexing! Refer to your game manual for assistance.
  
  > Go south
  This is the edge of a great cliff, looking over a vast CHASM to the south. The mists are so heavy within that you can barely detect a raging river far, far below.
  
  A tiny TREE clings tenaciously to the edge of the cliff.
  
  Your foot turns a small stone, and a hundred THRITAMA LARVAE squirm angrily, and burrow deep to avoid the light.
  
  > regard LARVAE
  'Tis less than worthy of thy fearsome concern.
  
  > Regard the tree
  The leaves are all gone, but a single small FRUIT hangs from the farthest tip of the farthest branch, out over the CHASM.
  
  > regard CHASM
  It is all mist in the deeps of the CHASM, but here at the edge, the orange glow of the evening sun highlights the cliffsides. You suppose that on the other side there lay either the EMPIRE OF DARTH VIRAXIS or one of the rival SLAVER KINGDOMS. These are matters you can clarify once the SLAVER KING of this particular realm lay dead by your vengeful hand.
  
  > regard the fruit
  The FRUIT is small and red.
  
  > seize the tree
  It clings quite tenaciously. Besides, you have no use for it.
  
  > use SWORD on the tree
  Thou art only accustomed to ASSAILING things with a GLADIUS SWORD, preferably in a frothing, bloody rage filled with lusty war-oaths, suggestive hip-thrusts and savage leering.
  
  > go east
  A high WATERFALL cascades down from a mountain ridge above, foaming and roaring into a broad POOL of clean water. The result is a brilliant PRISMATIC SPRAY. The setting is very peaceful.
  
  Swimming in the crystalline POOL is a MAGIC FISH, swimming a lazy figure-eight.
  
  > regard the fish
  It's just your typical MAGIC FISH. It seems to be watching you.
  
  > catch the fish
  Bedlam and disarray! Refer to your game manual for assistance.
  
  > enter the pool
  Thou hast always regarded bathing as one of those things that happens to other people.
  
  > regard the herring
  By Huron's palatial privy! I am vexed by thine illogic!
  
  > Parley fish
  The dullest Planetary Ape can do better than that.
  
  > Parley with FISH
  If you're going to start talking to MAGIC FISH, you may as well just chat with your THESKIAN DUFFEL BAG.
  
  > Parley with BAG
  You while away the hours, chatting with your THESKIAN DUFFEL BAG, as you have so many times. But this time, something happens that never has before: a SPIRIT rises from the careworn canvas, and bids you follow ... into a long, swirling void ...
  
  You find yourself in an idyllic village. In the distance, craftsmen work great LOOMS, producing swaths of what you know as THESKIAN CANVAS. The air here is sweet, and the citizens are rosy-cheeked, healthy, and cheerful. They welcome you with BELGIAN THESKIAN WAFFLES and THESKIAN BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
  
  The SPIRIT leads you through the streets. "I have seen lately, barbarian, that you are pondering the nature of your trusty THESKIAN DUFFEL BAG ... I am part of that nature, so I brought you here, to satisfy your thirst for wisdom."
  
  "This," he says, with a sweeping gesture, "is the town of DUFFEL (ANTWERP, BELGIUM) where traditional woolen-canvas fabrics are produced for the entire galaxy ... including the THESKIAN merchant ports." He smiles a sad smile. "Of course, I speak of the past, before our galaxy fell to ruin ... but it is the past that concerns us right now."
  
  "Your BAG," he says, "began here, on those distant LOOMS, before you were born. The fabric was shipped offworld, where THESKIAN LUGGAGE ARTISANS forged a mighty and capacious DUFFEL. Its first owner, a SPACEFARER, carried it to your world of VANTH, where he bedded your MOTHER in a night of revelry somewhere near the realm of the IRON DWARF KING." Rather unecessarily, you think, he summons a magic HOLOGRAM of these events.
  
  Narrating the HOLOGRAM, he continues: "It was a night of fiery and tender passions, with your FATHER passed out in a STABLE nearby. The SPACEFARER gave the DUFFEL to your MOTHER, saying that if a child might spring from their intense and repeated coupling (or those joinings that might produce children, for as you can see there was much variety), that the child should be granted his useful BAG, that he might know the gifts of a mighty SPACEFARER."
  
  The SPIRIT looks you in the eye. "You, of course, are that child." At this point, the HOLOGRAM is a series of embarassing naked-baby pictures, most of which also feature the THESKIAN DUFFEL BAG.
  
  "So you see, that is how THESKIAN DUFFEL BAGS came to be on VANTH, and why they are so valued. They are gifts from the stars, and your BAG, dear barbarian, is more than that ... it is your heritage."
  
  "I tell you this because the spirit of BELGIUM lives on in your BAG! We have no patience for despots like the SLAVER KING! Indeed, our fair land was ruled by conquerors for EIGHTEEN CENTURIES. The Romans, the Franks, the Austrians, the Burgundians and more." His voice takes on a deep, proud timbre. "But no more, barbarian. BELGIUM is a parliamentary democracy, producing wheat, fruits and sugar beets alongside our fine metal products and glassware ... and our tourist industry is not the mere joke that the 'Monty Python' would have you believe! Oh no. We are a lovely realm, and perhaps some day you may quest here ..."
  
  "But for now, barbarian, know ye TRUTH. Do your DUFFEL BAG proud, fine warrior! Defeat the SLAVER KING!"
  
  ... and then you feel yourself awaken, as if from a deep sleep.
  
  (press a key when ready)
  
  > look
  A high WATERFALL cascades down from a mountain ridge above, foaming and roaring into a broad POOL of clean water. The result is a brilliant PRISMATIC SPRAY. The setting is very peaceful.
  
  Swimming in the crystalline POOL is a MAGIC FISH. It appears to be reading a tiny book.
  
  Was it only a dream ..?
  
  > Regard book
  You must have been imagining things. Fish are no more literate than you.
  
  > regard waterfall
  The WATERFALL cascades down from streams high up toward MOUNT GELIDUS. It's very lovely and refreshing. There's almost nowhere to stand, here, where you aren't catching some spray.
  
  > enter the waterfall
  Thou hast always regarded bathing as one of those things that happens to other people.
  
  > seize the FISH
  It swims out of reach.
  
  > Carp of the day
  You speak madness, barbarian! Refer to your game manual for assistance.
  
  > go north
  The forest here is mucky and warm, surrounding a sinkhole filled with iridescent, gently glowing water. Some huge PIPES lead from here into the ground, and they drip with a similar strange water. There is a foul electric odor here, and your vision swims. You can feel your body being overtaken by weakness!
  
  You are weakening so quickly ... Your barbarian instinct is to get far from here ...
  
  > Go north
  You stand in a dismal swamp, with the chitter of unpleasant life in every direction. Footing is torturous here, slowed by the grey murk sucking at your sandaled tread.
  
  There is a large, MOSSY STONE IDOL here. Even half-sunken in the mire, it stands a head taller than you, with crude, angry features.
  
  > Regard IDOL
  The features of the IDOL glare with stony, furious contempt, as if daring you to USE it.
  
  Your keen senses detect signs that a MANION DEVIL hath passed near here, not long ago.
  
  There is a sudden gurgling from the muck, and a MIRE IMP leaps out! The MIRE IMP unleashes its glistening claws, and glares upon on your barbarian countenance with naked, animal hatred!
  
  > Regard imp
  'Tis but a MIRE IMP.
  
  The MIRE IMP leaps straight for your throat, and his fangs rip deep into your neck and shoulder. You have suffered 7 hits of
  damage!
  
  > Assail imp
  Sa-ho! You give the MIRE IMP a sampling of your GLADIUS SWORD, but good! You scored 4 points of damage!
  
  With a snarl, the MIRE IMP is airborne, slashing deeply into your side with his fangs. You have suffered 3 hits of damage!
  
  > Assail imp
  You attack! You scored 8 points of damage!
  
  The MIRE IMP strikes, leaping high and ripping into your chest with a savage squeal. You have suffered 5 hits of damage!
  
  > Assail imp
  By Huron's almighty acerbity! A miss!
  
  The MIRE IMP moves with blinding speed, and its fangs sink deep!
  You have suffered 2 hits of damage!
  
  > Assail imp
  By Huron's Paphian parables, you strike hard and true! You scored
  3 points of damage!
  
  The MIRE IMP circles you warily, waiting for his chance to strike!
  
  > Assail imp
  You leap, and strike! You scored 7 points of damage, leaving the
  MIRE IMP at your mercy!
  
  The MIRE IMP is defeated!
  
  The dead IMP slides back into the MUCK from whence he came, leaving his only worldly posession at your feet ...
  
  You stand in a dismal swamp, with the chitter of unpleasant life in every direction. Footing is torturous here, slowed by the grey murk sucking at your sandaled tread.
  
  There is a large, MOSSY STONE IDOL here. Even half-sunken in the mire, it stands a head taller than you, with crude, angry features.
  
  You can also see some STINKY BAIT here.
  
  > Regard the bait
  It's stinky. It has rotted long ago; now only the foulest SEA-MONSTER would find it appealing.
  
  > seize IDOL
  The MOSSY STONE IDOL is vast and you are but mortal.
  
  > Repose
  You stop to rest for a moment.
  
  > use IDOL
  THE SKY RINGS WITH LAUGHTER!!! You are mocked by the Viraxian Gods for attempting to make USE of their idol unprepared. A voice rings out: "Bring the proper tribute ... USE it with the IDOL," it says, "and we MAY choose to reward you."
  
  > use the bait with IDOL
  There is a distant rumble of laughter, and a voice sayeth "That is not proper tribute, barbarian. Bring us something more suited to our DARK PURPOSE."
  
  > Go north
  The pine trees have the first dustings of winter, here, and you espy much more snow to the east, in the FROSTED UPLANDS. The runoff feeds a briskly-flowing stream, which flows west toward the CASTLE. Marshier country lay to the south.
  
  A bit upstream from you, a GRIZZLY BEAR is fishing for food, but not having much luck. The BEAR doesn't seem hostile.
  
  > use BAIT on the bear
  You extend the STINKY BAIT toward the GRIZZLY, and the great BEAR'S nose twitches damply as it looks up from the fresh flowing waters of the stream.
  
  Slowly, cautiously, the GRIZZLY approaches. He sniffs at the STINKY BAIT, motivated by obvious hunger, but grunts sadly, and returns to pawing the water in hopes.
  
  > regard grizzly
  It is a large GRIZZLY BEAR, but it seemeth lean and hungry. Its attempts at fishing in the MOUNTAIN STREAM are apparently bearing no fruit (or fish).
  
  > examine STREAM
  As you look upon the BRISKLY-FLOWING STREAM, you can't escape the feeling that the BRISKLY-FLOWING STREAM is examining you in
  return.
  
  > go to the east
  Layers of frost and snow glitter on crags of ancient rock, and there are deep snowbanks to the north, approaching a BRIDGE made of pure ice, spanning a MIGHTY CREVASSE. Also seemingly made of ice is a beautiful CRYSTAL SPIRE, towering in the fading light, which you may ENTER.
  
  > Regard SPIRE
  A quick visit to the CRYSTAL SPIRE wouldst satisfy thy curiosity.
  
  You sure could use a good fight.
  
  > Regard crevasse
  The CREVASSE is lovely, dark and deep, but you have promises to keep.
  
  > Go inside
  Inside the ice-like spire, it is strangely warm, and the air is charged with crackling energies, but magic or someting else? Know ye not. OUTSIDE, the FROSTED UPLANDS are only a fractured blur. From here, you can make your way UP to the EERIE PINNACLE, where strange lights play.
  
  > Up
  You stand in the uppermost chamber of the strange crystalline tower. The air here is thick with energy and flooded with light from no particular source. There is a blinding whiteness, as if you're in a vast field of snow ... but the air is hot, not cold.
  
  Floating in mid-air is a beautiful NECKLACE OF STARLIGHT, a dazzling treasure!
  
  But for such a prize to be unprotected ... Your barbarian instincts warn of unseen dangers, and something else ... an unseen rival?
  
  > Regard NECKLACE
  Imagine if the GODS took down all the stars from the sky, and strung them along a fine chain of silver, and sold it in GOD CITY. With the money they might gain from the bargain, they could put a down-payment on the NECKLACE OF STARLIGHT.
  
  > Seize necklace
  Just as your fingertips brush the scintillating surface of the NECKLACE OF STARLIGHT, a sizzling shock throws you backward across the room! Crackling energies coalesce into a grinning, sparkling WRAITH of ELECTRO-PHASIC QUASIMATTER! A deadly VOLTAIC WRAITH!
  
  The WRAITH attacks! You have suffered 9 hits of damage!
  
  > Regard wraith
  A SCIENTIST wouldst describe the WRAITH as a semi-corporeal arc construction of sapient hostile quasi-matter manifesting on a voltaic impulse wavelength. Thou, however, wouldst not.
  
  The VOLTAIC WRAITH lashes out with a bolt of DEADLY PHASIC ELECTRO-HATE! You have suffered 23 hits of damage!
  
  > Go north
  The pine trees have the first dustings of winter, here, and you espy much more snow to the east, in the FROSTED UPLANDS. The runoff feeds a briskly-flowing stream, which flows west toward the CASTLE. Marshier country lay to the south.
  
  A bit upstream from you, a GRIZZLY BEAR is fishing for food, but not having much luck. The BEAR doesn't seem hostile.
  
  > go to the east
  Layers of frost and snow glitter on crags of ancient rock, and there are deep snowbanks to the north, approaching a BRIDGE made of pure ice, spanning a MIGHTY CREVASSE. Also seemingly made of ice is a beautiful CRYSTAL SPIRE, towering in the fading light, which you may ENTER.
  
  > enter
  Inside the ice-like spire, it is strangely warm, and the air is charged with crackling energies, but magic or someting else? Know ye not. OUTSIDE, the FROSTED UPLANDS are only a fractured blur. From here, you can make your way UP to the EERIE PINNACLE, where strange lights play.
  
  > go west
  The pine trees have the first dustings of winter, here, and you espy much more snow to the east, in the FROSTED UPLANDS. The runoff feeds a briskly-flowing stream, which flows west toward the CASTLE. Marshier country lay to the south.
  
  A bit upstream from you, a GRIZZLY BEAR is fishing for food, but not having much luck. The BEAR doesn't seem hostile.
  
  You pause to take in the deep orange and red of the evening sky, heavy with clouds.
  
  > go north
  This vast pit stands in the shadow of the snow-capped mountains to the east. It was here that the great stones were quarried to build the CASTLE of the SLAVER KING, and the walls of the nearby harbor town. The site is long-abandoned, or so it's told ... But you hear a riotous and happy din DOWN in the GRAVEL PIT.