text: As you near the grocery, you discover that the smoke is coming from a burning pile of corpses and tires near the road; and, pulling into the parking lot, you take note of a pair of guards armed with rifles at the door. Even though they're wearing pretty traditional jeans and t-shirts, you know they're legit because they both have sunglasses. From what you can see all the way across the parking lot, they seem to be watching you intently. Might as well have rolled out a red carpet!
  
  Now, you might decide to leave and not attempt to enter the grocery. After all, these guys probably don't want to share their food with everyone and his cousin. Or, you might try to walk on in like you own the place. What's the worst that can happen?
  
  > approach the guards
  You park towards the end of the lot, which is full of more cars than one might expect, and call to the guards.
  
  "Heeeeeey youuuuuuu guuuuuuys!"
  
  "Stop," shouts back the guard on the right. He's one of those guys who you're not sure whether he's buff, fat or some combination thereof. "Are you dead?"
  
  After taking a moment to carefully consider your response, you shout, "No."
  
  For a moment - silence, as the two guards whisper to each other.
  
  "Alright," shouts the one on the left, a man of approximately a buck thirty with a surprisingly deep and sensual voice. "Come over here."
  
  You do as he instructs. For a few uncomfortable minutes, the bigger guard pats you down while the smaller one looks you in the eye just a little too intensely.
  
  "Do you not allow guns inside?" you ask, just to break the awkward silence.
  
  "No," replies the smaller guard, "You can bring guns inside. We don't care."
  
  You're not quite sure how to respond to this, as the bigger guard is still patting you down. Very thoroughly. Finally, he stops, and the smaller guard waves you in.
  
  "Talk to Jimbo," he calls after you.
  
  Inside the Stop n' Go, you find a substantial number of survivors - milling about, lounging on lawn chairs playing cards, and generally dicking around. What you don't see is food. After wandering for a few minutes, you finally ask a foul-smelling bearded man where to find Jimbo, and he directs you towards the meat section. There, standing in front of the door to the back room, you find three guards armed with rifles - one of whom is a police officer with the word 'Jimbo' written in orange paint across his shirt.
  
  "Hey," you say to him. He looks troubled.
  
  "Are you Murphy?"
  
  "Uh... no. I'm Ray. I just came here looking for Funions."
  
  "Hmmn," he says, slowly. "You can stay here as long as you want. But we can't feed you." It is at this moment that, through the window of the door to the back room, you see a gigantic pile of all the food that you were expecting to find on the shelves.
  
  > keep bothering Jimbo
  "What about all that food back there?" you inquire. Jimbo is slow to answer.
  
  "We don't have enough to go around. As it is, we're going to run out before long." As disparaging as Jimbo's words sound, you aren't about to give up on this - because, in that pile behind the door, you just caught sight of the most delicious-looking pack of bacon in the history of the human race.
  
  "Doesn't seem to be any electricity here. How are you keeping that meat cold?" Again, Jimbo is slow to answer.
  
  "We're not. The generator was running until last night when the Boners came by and drove a Jeep into it. It's still pretty cool back there, but it won't last."
  
  "Who the hell are the Boners?"
  
  "God damn, boy, you been living under a rock?"
  
  "In my bathroom."
  
  "Ah. Well, long story short, the Boners are a bunch of fuckheads, and they want to kill me. They damn well could, too, but they haven't tried to come in here yet. I guess they don't realize how few guns we have."
  
  "Cool story, bro. But where does the name come from?"
  
  "We call them that because they like to take... trophies from whatever they kill. Skulls and femurs and shit. And also because they're dicks."
  
  "I see." Suddenly, Jimbo's face perks up a little bit.
  
  "You know what, Jay?"
  
  "Ray."
  
  "Whatever. The Boners only want to kill me. They wouldn't hurt someone like you. Why don't you go talk to them, try to get them off my ass?"
  
  "Sounds like fun. But why me?"
  
  "Because you need to eat. Do this for me, and I'll make sure you're the last person here to starve."
  
  What do you say?
  
  > Alright, you'll go talk to the Boners for Jimbo
  "Alright," you say to Jimbo, "If you can promise me all the bacon and Funions I can eat, then I'll talk to these... Boners... for you."
  
  "Great. You know the Sunoco across from the NAPA? That's where they are. Go get 'em, tiger."
  
  By the time you pull up to the Sunoco, it's almost dark out. The Boners are sitting around a campfire in the middle of the parking lot. There looks to be only about a dozen of them. As you walk towards them, you see one guy wearing a dog's head, another with a broken skull on his shoulder, and one little ginger kid wearing someone else's ribs. They're all holding a rifle or shotgun, and most of them have at least one other firearm visible on their person.
  
  "Uh... excuse me?"
  
  You half expect them to all turn around and shoot you, but none of the Boners seem to react at all to your presence, except one: a rather austere looking fat kid, about 14 or 15 judging by his acne and ever-so-slight mustache. He appears to be wearing a nearly-complete skeleton duct taped to the outside of a snuggy, and is sitting on a large cheese wheel.
  
  "Who dareth to enter my realm?" demands the squeaky-voiced teen, spitting everywhere as he talks.
  
  "Uh... my name's Ray. I came to talk to you about Jimbo at the grocery."
  
  "The dethpicable Jimbo! A mostht corrupt and unthscrupulousth warlord! What manner of bithneth have you with uth, which involvesth thish evil man?"
  
  "Well, uh... I was kind of wondering why you want to kill him so much."
  
  "The Order of the Othsteon - that would be uth - hath but one noble goal: to purge thisth world of the undead menasth! For thisth we require susthenanth, and yet the traitorouth Jimbo hath denied uth acceth to the Sthtop n' Go. He greedily hoardth the food for hith own cowardly followerth, indifferent to the plight of cruthaderth such ath ourselveth."
  
  The Boner sitting nearest you, apparently aware that you can't understand what the hell this kid is talking about, whispers:
  
  "We're trying to make the town safe again, but the people down at the grocery are a bunch of fucking pussies. They just want to hide away and let us do the dirty work, but at this rate we're going to starve to death first. And also, Lord Osteon wants to loot Jimbo's +2 vambraces of dexterity."
  
  Well now, you have an important decision to make. It looks like the only peaceful resolution to this conflict would be to convince Jimbo to share his food with the Boners. On the other hand, these people are insane and you're not sure if you can trust them. It may be a better idea to get back in your car and run their asses over. Or, a third option is: if you help the Boners raid the grocery store, you will get a chance to roll for Jimbo's +2 vambraces of dexterity.
  
  > go back and talk to Jimbo
  "So, if I can convince Jimbo to share the food in the grocery with you, will you forget about trying to kill him?"
  
  "Yeth. All we want ith to protect the innocent citizenth of Cowperthton."
  
  You drive back to the grocery and seek out Jimbo, who is right where you left him. While initially reluctant to cooperate with the Boners, his fear for his life gets the better of him and he ends up sending you to deliver the message that he agrees with their terms. For resolving the conflict peacefully, Lord Asteon grants you the Insightful Sandals of Bladder Control. Upon your return to the grocery, Jimbo puts you on the list of people to feed.
  
  The next night, a massive horde of undead converge upon the grocery. Jimbo is quick to react, taking his armed guards to the door to fend them off; he shouts for all others to remain calm and stay inside.
  
  But the horde's numbers are great, and one by one, Jimbo's men run out of ammunition. Some continue trying to bludgeon the ghouls with their guns. Jimbo, naturally, is one of the ones who runs back inside like a little girlie. Some of the others, armed with shoes, broken bottles, and whatever gardening implements they may have brought from home, rush to the door to try to beat the zombies back. The question is... are you one of them?
  
  > Yes
  Since you're not a pansy ass bitch, the obvious course of action would be to go bash some faces in with your hat rack. You join those brave men and women by the door. As you beat one ghoul to death, then another, and then another, you think, for a minute, that you can win this. But you are pretty goddamn outnumbered.
  
  One by one, you see your allies get dragged into the advancing horde and ripped limb from limb. They advance through the doors and you are forced to make way. Now that you are no longer in the doorway, more and more ghouls are able to pour into the grocery; but you see the end of them. Their numbers have been reduced enough that you and the handful of remaining defenders are able to finish them off.
  
  Although you are victorious, it comes at a heavy price. Many are dead, and many more have fled - Jimbo among them. You and the remaining inhabitants of the grocery drag the corpses of the fallen into the burning pile of tires near the road, a tedious process that continues long into the night.
  
  The next day, the stalwart survivors, out of respect for the needs of the community, officially establish a directly democratic collective.
  
  > Epilogue
  In a strange way, the attack upon the grocery may have been a blessing in disguise. The selfish and fearful fled on that night; those who stood, fought and won were men and women of honor, willing to do whatever it takes to defend their new home and their fellow human beings.
  
  As one of these people, you help to make the grocery safe over the coming days, constructing barricades and venturing out in search of weapons and supplies. You continue to supply the Boners, who go on many epic raids against the undead in the area. Over time, your living situation gradually improves, as the community begins to cultivate crops in a nearby field, completes sturdy walls around your domain, and discovers how to burn organic waste for electricity.
  
  Eventually, some locusts come eat your crops and you all starve to death.
  
  No, I'm just screwing with ya, you live happily ever after and end up having seventeen kids with some chick who came into town to trade supplies. She has a small heart, but big tits.