text: [Themes: Humor, surreal, office]
  
  It's another nice, sunny day outside. The bird are singing, the
  flowers are beaming, and all is well.
  
  Well, that's what you assume, since in actual fact you're inside a brand new office on the sixth floor of the Weiner Corporation's newest skyscraper. At any rate, the job pays well, and your day usually
  passes by without any notable incidents to marr its pleasing monotony.
  
  But something is different today. Cold sweat glistens on your brow.
  You know all too well what this means.
  
  Somewhere...somehow... a duck is watching you.
  
  Office (on the office chair)
  One entire wall (the north one, as it happens) is nothing else but a great pane of glass, through which you can see the cityscape that lies outside. The office itself is sparsely furnished: it is equipped with merely a desk, a fax machine, a telephone and a cow. To the south is
  an open door.
  
  A long wire extends across the room, originating from the fax machine.
  
  > examine the fax machine
  It's a great, heavy monster of bureaucratic hell. With its aid, you could fax a dinosaur to Hawaii, that's telling you how sophisticated
  it is. It's powered by a very, very long electric wire which crosses the floor and disappears out into the corridor to the south. Oh, and it's also blatantly simple to use: all that is necessary is to put something in it, and then dial any number between 0 and 10. The fax machine has been customized specifically for faxing things to a very specific destination.
  
  You're sure of it. There's a duck watching you right now.
  
  > Inventory
  You are carrying:
  a shirt (being worn)
  a tie (being worn)
  
  You wipe off a bead of sweat. Why did it have to be here? Why did it have to be now? Why? WHY?
  
  > put the tie in the fax
  (first taking it off)
  You put the tie into the fax machine.
  
  You loosen your tie with one hand, and glance around fearfully.
  
  > Dial 1
  There is a ZZZZZIP noise, and then it is done."Item faxed to the
  ACME Clown Department," the electronic voice mumbles, sounding
  highly unamused.
  
  You have no choice. You have to find that duck, track it down, hound it, chase it to the ends of the earth if necessary. Thus is the price you must pay for peace of mind.
  
  > enter the fax
  That's not something you can enter.
  
  You can feel the duck's beady dark eyes boring into the back of your skull.
  
  > check what you're carrying
  You are carrying:
  a shirt (being worn)
  
  Though the duck is not in the room, still you feel its baleful glare, unwavering, unblinking.
  
  > look at telephone
  It's a pink telephone with yellow flowers painted on it. It's quite... stylish? As you stare at it, the thought occurs to you that it might
  be a good idea to call someone.
  
  In fact, there are plenty of people you could call. You have their numbers memorized by heart, as a matter of fact. You could contact...
  
  1) the police
  2) the local hospital
  3) your aunt
  4) the head of Inhuman Resources
  5) the ACME Corporation
  6) the nearest pizzeria
  7) the nearest Pest Control unit
  8) the Society for the Care and Protection of Conspiracy Theories
  9) Gary Larson
  
  > 3
  [your aunt]
  
  On second thought, you decide not to call your aunt. You remember all too well what happened last time she came to New Dork City. The authorities had to rescue her from the very top of the Umpire State Building (where she was doing a drunken imititation of King Kong).
  
  Office (on the office chair)
  One entire wall (the north one, as it happens) is nothing else but a great pane of glass, through which you can see the cityscape that lies outside. The office itself is sparsely furnished: it is equipped with merely a desk, a fax machine, a telephone and a cow. To the south is
  an open door.
  
  A long wire extends across the room, originating from the fax machine.
  
  You bang your head against the furniture, heart bowed down beneath a seething cloud of paranoia.
  
  > 6
  [the nearest pizzeria]
  
  The response is immediate. What pizza would you like, buddy?
  
  "Give me," you say, suddenly sounding very determined, "the Mother of All Pizzas."
  
  "With pepperoni on top?""With pepperoni on top."
  
  When you finally hang up a few minutes later, you rest safely in the knowledge that the most awesome pizza known to mankind is speeding on its way to you.
  
  Office (on the office chair)
  One entire wall (the north one, as it happens) is nothing else but a great pane of glass, through which you can see the cityscape that lies outside. The office itself is sparsely furnished: it is equipped with merely a desk, a fax machine, a telephone and a cow. To the south is
  an open door.
  
  A long wire extends across the room, originating from the fax machine.
  
  You must do something about that duck. There is no other way.
  
  > 7
  [the nearest Pest Control unit]
  
  Actually, the Pest Control unit was closed a few weeks ago, after its offices were trashed by the Roach Gang.
  
  Office (on the office chair)
  One entire wall (the north one, as it happens) is nothing else but a great pane of glass, through which you can see the cityscape that lies outside. The office itself is sparsely furnished: it is equipped with merely a desk, a fax machine, a telephone and a cow. To the south is
  an open door.
  
  A long wire extends across the room, originating from the fax machine.
  
  Something must be done.
  
  > 8
  [the Society for the Care and Protection of Conspiracy
  Theories]
  
  You spend a few tedious minutes being told that the duck needs their help more than you do, since in actual fact it constitutes a living conspiracy theory in itself. Frustrated, you hang up.
  
  Office (on the office chair)
  One entire wall (the north one, as it happens) is nothing else but a great pane of glass, through which you can see the cityscape that lies outside. The office itself is sparsely furnished: it is equipped with merely a desk, a fax machine, a telephone and a cow. To the south is
  an open door.
  
  A long wire extends across the room, originating from the fax machine.
  
  > 1
  All this stress and paranoia proves far too much for you. With a wordless cry you throw yourself out the window!
  
  Actually, you do not throw yourself out of the window, you merely bounce off it with a muffled "PANG", and then stagger out into the corridor, nursing your blossoming bruise.
  
  The corridor heads off to the east and west, and you can always choose to re-enter your office to the north, via an open door upon which your name and job have been inscribed in a decidedly shoddy fashion. There is a faint aroma in the air, but that is not important.
  
  A long wire snakes its way out from your office, and heads down the corridor to the east.
  
  I didn't understand that sentence.
  
  > go north
  One entire wall (the north one, as it happens) is nothing else but a great pane of glass, through which you can see the cityscape that lies outside. The office itself is sparsely furnished: it is equipped with merely a desk, a fax machine, a telephone and a cow. To the south is
  an open door.
  
  The office chair stands upon its wobbly wheels, sighing slightly.
  
  A long wire extends across the room, originating from the fax machine.
  
  > 1
  [the police]
  
  You quickly dial in 911, and shortly afterwards you are on the emergency line.
  
  "You are now on the emergency line of the New Dork City Police Department, the voice on the other end says laconically."
  
  "There is a duck staring at me!" you shout into the receiver.
  
  "Is it threatening you with a chainsaw?" the voice replies
  coldly.
  
  "Uh -- no."
  
  BEEP.
  
  One entire wall (the north one, as it happens) is nothing else but a great pane of glass, through which you can see the cityscape that lies outside. The office itself is sparsely furnished: it is equipped with merely a desk, a fax machine, a telephone and a cow. To the south is
  an open door.
  
  The office chair stands upon its wobbly wheels, sighing slightly.
  
  A long wire extends across the room, originating from the fax machine.
  
  > 2
  [the local hospital]
  
  An automated voice is the only reply you get:
  
  "Hello. We are currently swamped with patients. In fact, there are patients everywhere. Patients in the corridors, patients in the toilets, patients hiding inside our clothing, patients behind our
  ears, patients as far as the eye can see. We are, in fact, beginning
  to lose our minds. Have a lovely day."
  
  BEEP.
  
  One entire wall (the north one, as it happens) is nothing else but a great pane of glass, through which you can see the cityscape that lies outside. The office itself is sparsely furnished: it is equipped with merely a desk, a fax machine, a telephone and a cow. To the south is
  an open door.
  
  The office chair stands upon its wobbly wheels, sighing slightly.
  
  A long wire extends across the room, originating from the fax machine.
  
  > 4
  [the head of Inhuman Resources]
  
  You quickly dial in the number. "Hello? This is Pond. I work in the mailroom. I have a problem," you rattle off with the speed of a machine-gun.
  
  "Moooo?"
  
  "Never mind," you sigh, and hang up.
  
  One entire wall (the north one, as it happens) is nothing else but a great pane of glass, through which you can see the cityscape that lies outside. The office itself is sparsely furnished: it is equipped with merely a desk, a fax machine, a telephone and a cow. To the south is
  an open door.
  
  The office chair stands upon its wobbly wheels, sighing slightly.
  
  A long wire extends across the room, originating from the fax machine.
  
  > sit on the chair
  You stand up on the chair, wobbling slightly as you do so. Now what next?
  
  Office (on the office chair)
  One entire wall (the north one, as it happens) is nothing else but a great pane of glass, through which you can see the cityscape that lies outside. The office itself is sparsely furnished: it is equipped with merely a desk, a fax machine, a telephone and a cow. To the south is
  an open door.
  
  A long wire extends across the room, originating from the fax machine.
  
  > stand
  You get off the office chair.
  
  One entire wall (the north one, as it happens) is nothing else but a great pane of glass, through which you can see the cityscape that lies outside. The office itself is sparsely furnished: it is equipped with merely a desk, a fax machine, a telephone and a cow. To the south is
  an open door.
  
  The office chair stands upon its wobbly wheels, sighing slightly.
  
  A long wire extends across the room, originating from the fax machine.
  
  > cut tube
  You can't cut the cardboard tube in half without first emptying it. That's one of the Six Basic Rules of the Mailroom.
  
  > 1
  ["Okay, I'm sorry to hear that. Would it be okay if I had a cup of coffee?"]
  
  The coffee machine replies, somewhat disgruntedly, "Suit yourself. You know exactly how to push my buttons, don't you?"
  
  With a sigh, it stares up at the ceiling and relapses into silence.
  
  Feeling somewhat guilty, you get yourself a cup of coffee, but when
  the moment comes to drink it you merely look down into its murky depths, seeing the coffee machine's discontent reflected from its swirling surface. So you stand there, holding it in your hand, your thoughts drifting back to the one thing which still remains
  unresolved: the matter of that duck.
  
  Coffee rooms are the lungs of the Weiner Corporation, filled with caffeine to the same extent that the lungs of excessively successful businessmen are habitually filled with nicotine.
  
  On the wall, someone has carelessly pinned a poster for the latest movie blockbuster. That's clearly a violation of company policy.
  
  Lurking in the corner of the room, looking rather disgruntled, is the coffee machine.
  
  A long wire comes into the room from the west, and you perceive that
  it is connected to a plug in the wall. Why anyone thought this was necessary is rather hard to divine.
  
  > Inventory
  You are carrying:
  a cup of coffee
  a pair of scissors
  a shirt (being worn)
  
  > give the coffee to the dog
  The dog is still in the carboard tube, and you're still holding that. If you want to offer it coffee, it might be wise to put one or the other down first. You never know what the effects might be. (For instance, if it turns out that the mere absorption of caffeine can transform this dog into a vicious slugbeast, then you'd be glad you weren't carrying it.)
  
  > give the coffee to dog
  offering. "Thanks," it mumbles, and then slurps it up noisily.
  
  Within seconds, it is completely transformed! It starts running
  around the room like a lunatic.
  
  > look at the dog
  It looks very agitated, and is constantly trying to bite everything within reach.
  
  > check what you're carrying
  You are carrying:
  a large cardboard tube (open)
  a weiner dog
  a cup of coffee
  a pair of scissors
  a shirt (being worn)
  
  > enter the elevator
  The doors are closed, and refuse to open. This is because it already has a passenger, and that passenger is the office chair itself, who must have decided on a whim to fiddle around with the buttons. How inconvenient.
  
  > go east
  Coffee rooms are the lungs of the Weiner Corporation, filled with caffeine to the same extent that the lungs of excessively successful businessmen are habitually filled with nicotine.
  
  On the wall, someone has carelessly pinned a poster for the latest movie blockbuster. That's clearly a violation of company policy.
  
  A long wire comes into the room from the west, and you perceive that
  it is connected to a plug in the wall. Why anyone thought this was necessary is rather hard to divine.
  
  > 6
  [the nearest pizzeria]
  
  You've already ordered a pizza. No need to be so greedy.
  
  One entire wall (the north one, as it happens) is nothing else but a great pane of glass, through which you can see the cityscape that lies outside. The office itself is sparsely furnished: it is equipped with merely a desk, a fax machine, a telephone and a cow. To the south is
  an open door.
  
  A long wire extends across the room, originating from the fax machine.
  
  > put the squid in the Machine
  (first taking the portable squid)
  You put the portable squid into the fax machine.
  
  > Dial 9
  There is a ZZZZZIP noise, and then it is done."Item faxed to the
  ACME Anachronistic Department. I really don't know why that
  exists," the electronic voice grumbles, sounding annoyed.
  
  > put everything in the Machine
  pair of scissors: Done.
  
  > check your inventory
  You are carrying:
  a shirt (being worn)
  
  > remove the shirt then put the shirt in the Machine
  You take off the shirt.
  
  You put the shirt into the fax machine.
  
  > Dial 9
  There is a ZZZZZIP noise, and then it is done."Item faxed to the
  ACME Anachronistic Department. I really don't know why that
  exists," the electronic voice grumbles, sounding annoyed.
  
  > get all
  cup of coffee: Taken.
  large cardboard tube: Taken.
  wire: You tug at the wire tentatively, but without managing to pick it up. With a sigh, you let it clatter to the floor.
  
  > give the coffee to the dog
  offering. "Thanks," it mumbles, and then slurps it up noisily.
  
  Within seconds, it is completely transformed! It starts running
  around the room like a lunatic.
  
  The vicious weiner dog snaps at the wire, slicing it in half. With an unpleasant noise, it is immediately electrocuted, and goes soaring through the ceiling, leaving an odour of singed fur in its wake.