text: [Themes: Cave crawl, Humor, cave, cave crawl, male protagonist, fantasy]
  
  > Go downwards
  You jump down the hole. You land in a pile of hay. You get up.
  
  This cave has an exit leading outside to the southwest. In the middle of the ceiling, high above you, is a round hole. On the floor, directly under the hole, is a pile of hay.
  A short lever with a handle sticks out from a wall. The handle has a thin, wide gap, large enough for the fingers of one hand to go through. A metallic pyramid, about half a meter high, sticks up from the cave floor. You once tested a hundred different teleporters, and you recognize the pyramid as one of the safest and least complicated models. To use it you just stand on it and shake the lever repeatedly. This particular teleporter seems badly designed though: the lever is far away from it, almost on the other side of the cave.
  
  Up from the lever sticks the new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger. It is shaking like crazy, but not enough to shake the lever.
  
  You can see a cage here.
  
  The sword goes even crazier and starts thrashing like a headless chicken on drugs.
  
  The sword makes the lever shake. There comes a low humming sound from the teleporter.
  
  > go southwest
  The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.
  
  > go to the north
  An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the south.
  Some runes are written on the wall.
  A genie floats about a meter above the ground. He looks like a man made of ice. He is bald, but has a beard of icicles. He has no legs; his stomach rises from a small cloud of icy steam. He holds an ice sabre.
  A hippoman, half man, half hippo, stands knitting something yellow. He is fat, purple and has two very thick legs. He is wearing your helmet. A young angry-looking woman stands holding a large placard saying "Save the monsters!" She is clearly one of those monster rights activists that have been making your job so much harder lately.
  The gremlin has climbed quite high up on the wall. He is a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears. He is wearing a tiny ring and is smoking a tiny cigarette.
  A large metal chest stands up against a wall. It is closed.
  A large machine is at the back of the cave. Its mechanisms looks very complex. Actually it is very easy to use. You know this because on a previous product-testing mission you came across a machine just like it and spend four hours trying to figure out how it worked. The machine is for sharpening tools and weapons. Just put what you want sharpened into it and wait.
  
  You can see a big tacky holy grail here.
  
  > Open chest
  Just as you are about to open the chest, the genie rushes towards you swinging his sabre. You jump back. The genie says, "That is my chest!"
  
  > talk to the genie
  "So you are a genie, eh?" you say. "I wish I had a nice big treasure." "Dream on, transient creature."
  
  > shoot the healing gun at the gremlin
  You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the gremlin. Suddenly a good feeling fills your body.
  
  > shoot the healing gun at the woman
  You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the woman. She makes a little jump. "My psychosomatic guilt complex! It is gone," she says.
  
  > shoot the healing gun at yourself
  You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits you. You don't feel anything. The gremlin grins.
  
  > shoot the healing gun at Hippoman
  You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the hippoman. A shiver goes through his body. "My ear-maggots! I can't feel them anymore," he says.
  
  > shoot the healing gun at the genie
  You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the genie. "Ah!" he says. "The broken icicles on my beard. They are whole again!"
  
  > Is
  A staff (with the goblin sidekick)
  A fat fish
  A bottle (closed)
  A healing gun
  A nosehairscrew
  A manual
  
  You are wearing:
  Mirrorshades
  A ring
  Boxer shorts.
  
  > hit the genie with the staff
  The genie vanishes.
  
  The goblin sidekick appears hovering in the air, but immediately falls down.
  
  You notice that the genie is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.
  
  > hit the woman with the staff
  The monster rights activist vanishes.
  
  The genie appears.
  
  You notice that the monster rights activist is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.
  
  The genie says, "Foolish mortal! Think you can confuse me with your magic stick?"
  
  > Open chest
  Just as you are about to open the chest, the genie rushes towards you swinging his sabre. You jump back. The genie says, "That is my chest!"
  
  > hit the goblin with the staff
  (the goblin sidekick with the staff)
  The goblin sidekick vanishes.
  
  The monster rights activist appears.
  
  You notice that the goblin sidekick is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.
  
  The woman smacks you with her placard shouting, "Fiendish necromancer!"
  
  > give the fish to the woman
  "Think you can bribe me away, you beast slaughterer?"
  
  > read the book
  You must say what page to read, like "read page 1" or "read 1"
  
  > read 1
  On the front is a badly drawn picture of three monsters running away from a man who is holding a copy of the book over his head.
  
  > read 2
  So, you have spotted a monster. How many legs does it have?
  None: read page 3
  One: read page 35
  Two: read page 36
  Three: read page 62
  Four: read page 63
  Six: read page 86
  Eight: read page 87
  Forty eight billion and five: read page 90
  It varies: read page 91
  
  > look
  An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the south.
  Some runes are written on the wall.
  A genie floats about a meter above the ground. He looks like a man made of ice. He is bald, but has a beard of icicles. He has no legs; his stomach rises from a small cloud of icy steam. He holds an ice sabre.
  A hippoman, half man, half hippo, stands knitting something yellow. He is fat, purple and has two very thick legs. He is wearing your helmet. A young angry-looking woman stands holding a large placard saying "Save the monsters!" She is clearly one of those monster rights activists that have been making your job so much harder lately.
  The gremlin has climbed quite high up on the wall. He is a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears. He is wearing a tiny ring and is smoking a tiny cigarette.
  A large metal chest stands up against a wall. It is closed.
  A large machine is at the back of the cave. Its mechanisms looks very complex. Actually it is very easy to use. You know this because on a previous product-testing mission you came across a machine just like it and spend four hours trying to figure out how it worked. The machine is for sharpening tools and weapons. Just put what you want sharpened into it and wait.
  
  You can see a big tacky holy grail here.
  
  > read 36
  Does it have wings?
  Yes: read page 37
  No: read page 45
  
  > read 3
  Which of the following body parts does it have?
  Fins: read page 4
  Branches: read page 8
  Tentacles: read page 11
  Arms: read page 14
  None of the above: read page 29
  
  > read 45
  What does the skin on its body look like?
  Like human skin: read page 46
  Green: read page 53
  Purple: read page 58
  Like rock: read page 59
  
  > read 46
  What does its head look like?
  Like a human head: 47
  Like an animal head: read page 52
  
  > read 47
  How high is it?
  About human size: read page 48
  About half human size: read page 51
  
  > read 48
  How does its ears look like?
  Like human ears: read page 49
  Pointy: read page 50
  
  > read 49
  Well, it probably is a Human then. Though occasionally nice, Humans usually becomes members in whatever culture that happens to be around, no matter how destructive or stupid that culture is. Then they become so convinced that their culture is the best one that they start killing off everybody who does not belong to it. Humans drink blood, and do not cast reflections. The best way to kill one is with a stake through the heart.
  
  > read 14
  When partaking in tea, how many lumps of sugar does it use?
  Two: read page 15
  Three: read page 22
  
  > read 50
  It is an Elf. They are supposed to be noble warriors, able to communicate with nature and full of ancient wisdom. Actually they are just a bunch of hippies that have had their ears surgically altered. Harmless.
  
  > read 15
  What form of art does it find most delightful?
  Opera: read page 16
  Interpretative dance: read page 19
  
  > read 22
  What word best describes its taste in furniture?
  Conservative: read page 23
  Fashionable: read page 26
  
  > read 26
  How would it prefer to spend a leisurely moment?
  Reading: read page 27
  Antiqueing: read page 28
  
  > read 28
  It is a Transdimensional Bull Genie. It exists in one million universes at the same time. To destroy it, you must decide on one exact moment to do so, no less than two hours in the future. By that time your universe will have split into more than one million universes (as it is always doing), and if all the versions of you in all the million universes attack the Transdimensional Bull Genie at exactly the same time, it can be killed. However if one of you fails to attack it, or somehow botches the attack, you will only have angered it, so do not attempt this unless you can trust yourself to be perfectly brave, perfectly competent and perfectly punctual.
  
  > read 27
  It is a Moldavian Christmas Genie. It is not allowed to hurt anybody on Christmas Eve. Just detain it until the 24th of December, and then trick it into killing somebody and it will cease to exist.
  
  > read 23
  To what degree does it think correct attire for any occasion is important?
  Very: read page 24
  Extremely: read page 25
  
  > read 24
  It is a Half-Scandinavian Chaos Genie. It is colorblind and shapeblind and can only see sizes. By having the exact same size as one or preferably several objects in the Genie's vicinity, you may confuse it so much that it will not attack you, though a more likely outcome is that it will attack both you and everything your size.
  
  > read 25
  It is a Common Wishing Genie. By rubbing its lamp you should be able to control it and make it grant your wishes. Unfortunately the Common Wishing Genies have caught on to this, and have now started hiding their lamps, often far off in other countries.
  
  > give the bottle to Genie
  "Foolish mortal! None of your pathetic possessions have any interest to me!"
  
  > read 16
  In its opinion capitalism is best described as...
  ...the lesser of several evils: read page 17
  ...a mere fad: read page 18
  
  > read 19
  What does it think of the early poetry of Jasper Wull?
  Slightly overrated: read page 20
  Slightly underrated: read page 21
  
  > read 17
  It is a Minor Brazilian Quantum Genie. It feeds off math. If you draw an equation on a blackboard it will eat it. If you include some logical flaw in the equation, the genie will choke on it. However make sure the flaw is subtile, because if the genie, which is a math genius, notices the flaw it will not eat the equation but rather get upset and tear you into atoms.
  
  > read 18
  It is a North Canadian Sensitivity Genie, one of the few creatures capable of having fatal emotions. Simply show it a photograph of it as a baby while remarking on how cute it looked, or read aloud from a love letter it wrote as a teen and it will likely die of embarrassment.
  
  > read 20
  It is a Mock Tropical Cerebral Genie. It only respects creatures that are smarter than itself. Simply stand close to it and do something impressive like invent an antigravity device or discover a cure for the common cold, and it will not harm you.
  
  > read 21
  It is a Near-Mythological British Migrating Genie. It feeds off the depressions of others. If you trap it for a fortnight in a room full of optimists it will die of malnutrition.
  
  > throw the bottle at Genie
  You throw the bottle. It smashes into the genie, then falls to the ground.
  The genie says, "Foolish mortal! Think you can hurt me that easily?"
  
  >(first taking the bottle)
  You throw the bottle. It smashes into the genie, then falls to the ground.
  The genie says, "Foolish mortal! Think you can hurt me that easily?"
  
  > get the sabre
  Never mind the sabre.
  
  > talk to Genie
  You ask, "If you drank tea, how many lumps of sugar would you use?" "Don't bother me with your moronic chit chat, transient creature."
  
  > hit the goblin with the staff
  (the goblin sidekick with the staff)
  The goblin sidekick vanishes.
  
  The genie appears.
  
  You notice that the goblin sidekick is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.
  
  The genie says, "Foolish mortal! Think you um...aaargh!"
  Water is dripping from the genie. "I'm melting! I'm melting!" he screams.
  He quickly flies towards the exit, but it's too late. Soon he is nothing but a puddle, and not long after even that has evaporated.