text: > Go downward
  You start to move and then there is the mom, she pushes you back in place. "Whoa, kiddo, we've got to get a picture of everyone."
  
  "Does that thing have buttons? That'll make it fun to take off if he spits up on it," Becca laughs again.
  
  > smile
  You smile and make a bubbly laugh noise, it is the thing you do that makes everyone say "oh my goodness how cute!"
  
  Cassie bounces up and down next to you and you try to back away from her but your tentacles get in your way. "Keep the kids together!" Lisa calls, pointing a small camera at all of you.
  
  > jump
  There is no way you are going to jump, you can barely crawl.
  
  Parry and the mom get you all in place on the couch. The mom dangles your favorite toy in front of all of you! You and Zoe stare raptly at it and then Parry says "Now!" and it is like a thousand suns explode in front of you and all you can see are these white and red spots.
  
  > Wait
  Time passes.
  
  As the spots clear you see Watson has pitched face first into the couch. Zoe is busy tugging on Jemison's wings and Cassie is chewing on one of your tentacles. "Hope no one wanted another picture!" Becca says.
  
  > examine the tentacles
  It is like a squid if a squid was all plush and powder blue and didn't have any suckers. You are wearing it and its tentacles cover your arms and hands.
  
  The parents give up and take you all off the couch. As the mom puts you down she stops by the bookcase and puts your toy up there. "Maybe next year they'll sit still," Lisa sighs, and Parry just snorts.
  
  This is the middle of the living room, it is all big and vast. This is where everybody plays because it is so big. But when you get bored there is a bunch of other stuff you can go to like the TV to the east and the loveseat to the west and the couch to the south and the gliding rocking chair to the north.
  
  Part of your playpen is here, there is more of it to the northeast.
  
  > Go west
  This is the south end of the loveseat, there is more loveseat to the north and a big play area to the east and to the south is the couch that is bigger than the loveseat.
  
  You can see a rattly car here.
  
  Watson is gloomy in his sad homemade bat costume.
  
  > spit on costume
  You reach deep down inside you and bring up some of those stupid prunes the mom was feeding you and spit them up on the squid costume, making it all dirty[36].
  
  > pull up on Watson
  You would but the tentacles of your stupid squid costume are too slick[37].
  
  > Note 37
  You know what's more fun in IF than only being able to carry a few things? Being able to carry nothing.
  
  > Go southeast
  Here is where the middle of the couch is. If you want to play you should totally go north to the middle of the room where there is a lot of space. There is more couch to the east and west.
  
  Those are the mom's legs there by the couch.
  
  You can also see a brix blox bucket here.
  
  Jemison is all dressed like a bumblebee.
  
  > pull up on the mom
  You rub up against the legs of the mom and she looks down and says, "Oh, oh, your costume is all dirty, kiddo." She lifts you up and the next thing you know you are back on the ground and free of that evil squid costume.
  
  Watson wanders in from the northwest.
  
  > pull up on Watson
  You can't pull up on Watson to stand.
  
  Watson tries to look through the brix blox bucket to the brix blox inside it.
  
  Jemison crawls to the north.
  
  > Go northwest
  This is the south end of the loveseat, there is more loveseat to the north and a big play area to the east and to the south is the couch that is bigger than the loveseat.
  
  You can see a rattly car here.
  
  > go to the southeast
  This is the middle of the living room, it is all big and vast. This is where everybody plays because it is so big. But when you get bored there is a bunch of other stuff you can go to like the TV to the east and the loveseat to the west and the couch to the south and the gliding rocking chair to the north.
  
  Part of your playpen is here, there is more of it to the northeast.
  
  Cassie and Jemison are here. Cassie is dressed in this pumpkin costume, it is adorable. Jemison is all dressed like a bumblebee.
  
  Cassie falls forward onto her hands and then she is crawling off to the north.
  
  > go to the south
  Here is where the middle of the couch is. If you want to play you should totally go north to the middle of the room where there is a lot of space. There is more couch to the east and west.
  
  Those are the mom's legs there by the couch.
  
  You can also see a brix blox bucket here.
  
  Watson is gloomy in his sad homemade bat costume.
  
  > kick the bucket
  You are way not coordinated enough to do that.
  
  Watson gazes at the brix blox bucket.
  
  > Turn page
  You flip the pages by scrabbling at them until you are looking at this blocky diagram of a rolly car thing.
  
  Parry says, "I don't know, that sounds like a clever idea."
  
  > Turn page
  You flip the pages by scrabbling at them until you are looking at this blocky diagram of a nuclear reactor model.
  
  The mom is indignant, "My child is not a dog to be on a leash!" Good for her, there is no way you'd wear a leash.
  
  > Turn page
  You flip the pages by scrabbling at them until you are looking at this blocky diagram of a wall.
  
  Lisa says, "When you get down to it, babies are about as smart as pets. Cassie might as well be a hyperactive Yorkie."
  
  > Turn page
  You flip the pages by scrabbling at them until you are looking at this blocky diagram of a poosh stick.
  
  "Lisa!" Marion says. "That's horrible!"
  
  > put the remote in the mouth
  You shove the remote control in your mouth and start chewing on it and that leaves your hands free.
  
  "It's true!" Lisa says. "They make messes on the floor and can't talk and you can classically condition them."
  
  > pull up on the mom
  The mom laughs and says, "Where did you find that?" as she pulls the remote out of your mouth.
  
  Then Parry sees you and her with the remote and says, "That reminds me, I'd like to put in a Baby Feynman video for Watson." There is then this big pregnant pause before Parry says, "Uh, if that's okay."
  
  The mom is quiet, she is probably communicating with the other moms using only her eyes and mom-telepathy[39] because wasn't Parry anti-TV for kids before? And then she says, "Sure!" So Parry heads over to the TV and drags the baby swing out of the way of the TV and over by the bookcase and turns the TV on.
  
  "You know," Parry says, "A combination playpen and Skinner box might sell really well[40]."
  
  > Note 39
  As best I can tell, mom telepathy comes from moms having had a large shared pool of experiences when it comes to babies.
  
  > Note 40
  This is my favorite of all of the parents' conversations, mainly for this line right here.
  
  > sit
  Since you are already sitting you can't sit again or maybe it's like you've already succeeded at sitting.
  
  Becca says, "That is the kind of thing people call Child Protective Services about."
  
  Watson looks at the instruction booklet and his hands move so fast they are almost blurry and the dayglo blox go together and suddenly Watson has built a poosh stick. He looks at it and then drops it.
  
  > take the stick
  You pick it up and it takes two hands.
  
  "I'm not sure Child Services gets called that often to rescue kids from Skinner boxes," Parry says.
  
  > go to the north
  This is the middle of the living room, it is all big and vast. This is where everybody plays because it is so big. But when you get bored there is a bunch of other stuff you can go to like the TV to the east and the loveseat to the west and the couch to the south and the gliding rocking chair to the north.
  
  Part of your playpen is here, there is more of it to the northeast.
  
  The mom is still all huffy, "Kids aren't pets."
  
  > Go northeast
  You are east of the gliding rocking chair that is fun to ride on and north of the big TV that Sesame Street comes from. On the wall is a big bookcase full of chewy books. There is a way into the kitchen to the north but one of those baby gates is there, that is no fair.
  
  About half a parent high in the bookcase is your favorite toy.
  
  There is a big old baby swing all shoved up against the bookcase.
  
  Part of your playpen is here, there is more of it to the southwest.
  
  You can also see a soft foam block, a tall plastic block, a short plastic block, a medium plastic block, a little doll, a teeny squeezy book, and a teething ring here.
  
  Zoe has hold of a plastic cup all sadly.
  
  Zoe gets onto the short plastic block.
  
  > look at the toy
  This is the thing your aunt gave you which is a super fun toy. It has places to chew and places that are shiny and it rattles when you shake it. Right now it is up on the bookcase, it is like nearly half a parent high.
  
  Zoe gets onto the medium plastic block.
  
  > examine the switch
  That is the switch that controls how high the swing goes, it can be set to lo, med, or hi. Right now it is on lo.
  
  Zoe gets onto the tall plastic block.
  
  > cry
  You let out this sobbing wail and the mom says, "Shh, it's okay."
  
  Zoe gets onto the medium plastic block.
  
  > cry
  When you cry again the mom says, "Shh. Calm down."
  
  Zoe gets onto the short plastic block.
  
  > take the toy
  You have short arms, you can't reach your favorite toy from down here.
  
  Zoe climbs down off of the short plastic block.
  
  > give the stick to Zoe
  Zoe eyes you coldly, no way she is taking anything from you.
  
  Zoe gets onto the medium plastic block.
  
  > drop the stick
  Dropped.
  
  Zoe gets onto the tall plastic block.
  
  > cry
  This time you add a lot of tremolo to your crying and the mom says, "You're not going to calm down, are you, kiddo? Do you need the swing?"
  
  The mom asks the other parent people, "Do any of you have a suggestion for a baby sitter?" W. T. F.
  
  > cry
  "Okay, kiddo, let's check you and make sure," the mom says and scoops you up. "Diaper's okay. You're not hungry. To the swing!" You're airlifted into the swing and the mom straps you in. She turns it on, click click click, and then you are swinging really high.
  
  Small Open Area (in the baby swing)
  You are east of the gliding rocking chair that is fun to ride on and north of the big TV that Sesame Street comes from. On the wall is a big bookcase full of chewy books. There is a way into the kitchen to the north but one of those baby gates is there, that is no fair.
  
  About half a parent high in the bookcase is your favorite toy.
  
  Part of your playpen is here, there is more of it to the southwest.
  
  You can also see a poosh stick, a plastic cup, a soft foam block, a tall plastic block (on which is Zoe), a short plastic block, a medium plastic block, a little doll, and a teeny squeezy book here.
  
  The mom goes on, "We've got a Christmas party to go to in a month or so, and we've never used a babysitter before." No, really--W. T. F.???
  
  The baby swing clicks and clacks as it swings really high, and the whole world tilts and turns as you swing with it. At the top of the swing you are way close to your toy.
  
  Zoe watches you swing back and forth, back and forth.
  
  > take the toy
  You stretch for the toy but it is just barely out of reach.
  
  Marion says, "Didn't you have luck with Susan, Lisa?" Susan, that's a name that sounds okay.
  
  The baby swing clicks and clacks as it swings really high, and the whole world tilts and turns as you swing with it. At the top of the swing you are way close to your toy.
  
  Zoe watches you swing back and forth, back and forth.
  
  > take toy
  You stretch for the toy but it is just barely out of reach.
  
  Lisa says, "I've used Susan two--no, three times. She said Cassie was great." Lisa pauses all thoughtful like. "Maybe she was lying to get a bigger tip."
  
  The baby swing clicks and clacks as it swings really high, and the whole world tilts and turns as you swing with it. At the top of the swing you are way close to your toy.
  
  Zoe watches you swing back and forth, back and forth.
  
  > take the toy
  You stretch for the toy but it is just barely out of reach.
  
  "I didn't think she was all that," Becca says. "I had her keep Zoe once. Susan and Zoe didn't get along at all." This Susan is sounding better all the time.
  
  The baby swing clicks and clacks as it swings really high, and the whole world tilts and turns as you swing with it. At the top of the swing you are way close to your toy.
  
  Zoe watches you swing back and forth, back and forth.
  
  > take the toy
  You stretch for the toy but it is just barely out of reach.
  
  Marion says, "You could have Susan visit ahead of time to look for any problems."
  
  The baby swing clicks and clacks as it swings really high, and the whole world tilts and turns as you swing with it. At the top of the swing you are way close to your toy.
  
  Zoe watches you swing back and forth, back and forth.
  
  Parry comes wandering by with his water glass but he stops when he sees you swinging. He looks at your favorite toy. He looks at you. He looks at your toy. He looks at Zoe. He looks at how close you get to your favorite toy. When he is all done with his looking he casually leans against the bookcase and taps your toy. It totally falls a bit closer! He winks at you and heads on by[41].
  
  > Note 41
  Since Parry had helped you accidentally in the first two sections, I wanted him to help you directly in the third. Plus I figured he'd be on the side of truth and justice -- yours.
  
  > take the toy
  You stretch your arms but they are still too much like teeny T. Rex arms so then you scrunch down in your swing and stretch out a leg and as you swoop up again you just are able to kick the toy! It flies into the air and onto your lap! But as you swing back Zoe leans over from the tall block and swats at the toy and you swat at her and the upshot is the toy goes flying again and it goes kerplunk into the playpen.
  
  This is the worst playdate ever.
  
  "I'll give her a call, then," the mom says.
  
  > leave
  You are way high in the baby swing and are all swinging, you are not some stunt baby who is used to taking falls.
  
  The baby swing clicks and clacks as it swings really high, and the whole world tilts and turns as you swing with it.
  
  Zoe gets onto the medium plastic block.
  
  You look up and there is the mom, you are swinging toward her face and away, toward and away. She turns off the swing and gets you down and puts you on the floor before going back to her seat.
  
  You are east of the gliding rocking chair that is fun to ride on and north of the big TV that Sesame Street comes from. On the wall is a big bookcase full of chewy books. There is a way into the kitchen to the north but one of those baby gates is there, that is no fair.
  
  There is a big old baby swing all shoved up against the bookcase.
  
  Part of your playpen is here, there is more of it to the southwest. Through the mesh you can see your favorite toy.
  
  You can also see a poosh stick, a plastic cup, a soft foam block, a tall plastic block, a short plastic block, a medium plastic block (on which is Zoe), a little doll, and a teeny squeezy book here.
  
  > take the stick
  You pick it up and it takes two hands.
  
  Zoe gets onto the short plastic block.
  
  > Note 42
  I like you having to team up with your antagonist, even if only for a little while. Though it's not a perfect arrangement: try pushing the oval with the poosh stick on the side where Zoe is.
  
  > go southwest
  This is the middle of the living room, it is all big and vast. This is where everybody plays because it is so big. But when you get bored there is a bunch of other stuff you can go to like the TV to the east and the loveseat to the west and the couch to the south and the gliding rocking chair to the north.
  
  Part of your playpen is here, there is more of it to the northeast.
  
  > enter the playpen
  You get into the southwest part of the playpen.
  
  Lisa suddenly says, "Parry! Are you eating Cheerios?"
  
  Parry sounds all sheepish, "Yeah."
  
  Becca is all "I hope you don't mind crumbs all over your loveseat, Farina," and everyone laughs but Parry.
  
  > go northeast
  You move to the other part of the playpen.
  
  Small Open Area (in the northeast part of the playpen)
  You are east of the gliding rocking chair that is fun to ride on and north of the big TV that Sesame Street comes from. On the wall is a big bookcase full of chewy books. There is a way into the kitchen to the north but one of those baby gates is there, that is no fair.
  
  There is a big old baby swing all shoved up against the bookcase.
  
  You can also see a plastic cup, a soft foam block, a tall plastic block, a short plastic block, a medium plastic block, a little doll, and a teeny squeezy book here.
  
  In the northeast part of the playpen you can see your favorite toy.
  
  Zoe has hold of a teething ring loosely.
  
  Zoe grabs your favorite toy.
  
  > take the toy
  Zoe sees you coming for the toy! She will not let you have it!
  
  Zoe runs off to the south with your toy! SHE HAS YOUR TOY!
  
  You hear this rattle jingle, it is Zoe playing with your toy!
  
  > go outside
  You get out of the northeast part of the playpen.
  
  You are east of the gliding rocking chair that is fun to ride on and north of the big TV that Sesame Street comes from. On the wall is a big bookcase full of chewy books. There is a way into the kitchen to the north but one of those baby gates is there, that is no fair.
  
  There is a big old baby swing all shoved up against the bookcase.
  
  Part of your playpen is here, there is more of it to the southwest. The playpen is all open.
  
  You can also see a plastic cup, a soft foam block, a tall plastic block, a short plastic block, a medium plastic block, a little doll, and a teeny squeezy book here.
  
  > take the stick
  You pick it up and it takes two hands.
  
  "Cassie is really pulling up well," the mom tells Lisa.
  
  > go west
  The gliding rocking chair is all tall and wooden. It is where the mom rocks you when she thinks you need a nap even though you do not need naps. The loveseat is west and there is a small open area to the east and a big open area in the middle of the room to the south.
  
  There are Becca's legs, they are by the rocking chair.
  
  You can also see a smooth rock, a plush book, and a much-loved kangaroo here.
  
  "Oh, thanks," Lisa says. "She's probably too good at pulling up and climbing, to tell you the truth."
  
  You hear this rattle jingle, it is Zoe playing with your toy!
  
  > go west
  This is the part of the loveseat that is to the north. It goes on to the south and you could totally slip around the end of the loveseat to the west. There is the rocking chair to the east as well, that is always fun.
  
  On the north pink striped loveseat is a cup of Cheerios.
  
  You can see Parry here.
  
  "We've been working on pulling up," the mom says, boy is she going to be surprised by all the practice you're getting today.
  
  > Note 43
  True story: at my son's first birthday party, he knocked over a small cup of Cheerios, spilling them near my feet. Instantly, every baby at the party crawled towards us, swarming around me.
  
  Cheerios are baby crack.
  
  > drop the stick
  (tearing yourself away from the Cheerios)
  Dropped.
  
  Lisa says, "You're just annoyed that Jemison just sits there--" but Becca keeps on talking, "So your kid pulls up or cruises or whatever. Big deal!"
  
  You hear this rattle jingle, it is Zoe playing with your toy!
  
  Watson wanders in from the south.
  
  > look at Zoe
  (tearing yourself away from the Cheerios)
  Grr, Zoe Kinmundy. That little red-haired girl[44] has this ladybug costume on, it is supposed to be cute but you are not fooled. Her red hair is in pigtails, like that will fool anyone into thinking she is nice. She has a death-grip on your favorite toy and a teething ring. She is over by the TV to the east.
  
  Parry says, "Kids develop at different speeds. It's not as if I'll still be helping Watson pull up when he goes to college."
  
  You hear this rattle jingle, it is Zoe playing with your toy!
  
  Jemison picks up some Cheerios and munches on them.
  
  > go to the south-east
  (tearing yourself away from the Cheerios)
  You have to push your way past Watson, Jemison, and Cassie thanks to those Cheerios and that slows you down.
  
  This is the middle of the living room, it is all big and vast. This is where everybody plays because it is so big. But when you get bored there is a bunch of other stuff you can go to like the TV to the east and the loveseat to the west and the couch to the south and the gliding rocking chair to the north.
  
  Part of your playpen is here, there is more of it to the northeast. The playpen is all open.
  
  "As long as Zoe doesn't fall too far behind, I'm not worried," Marion says.
  
  > Go east
  The entertainment center here holds the TV all towering above you and it has these glass doors beneath the TV that you can see stereo equipment through. You are near the couch to the south and the middle of the living room to the west and there is a small open area to play in to the north.
  
  Zoe has your toy! ZOE HAS YOUR TOY!
  
  "Yeah," Parry says. "It won't bother me if Watson is like many boys and is slower to talk."
  
  > take the toy
  Zoe sees you coming for the toy! She will not let you have it!
  
  Zoe runs off to the west with your toy!
  
  "As long as Cassie is ahead of where she's supposed to be, I won't worry either," Lisa says.
  
  Now on TV all of these stars are gathering together, it is like they are having a big star party.
  
  > Go west
  This is the middle of the living room, it is all big and vast. This is where everybody plays because it is so big. But when you get bored there is a bunch of other stuff you can go to like the TV to the east and the loveseat to the west and the couch to the south and the gliding rocking chair to the north.
  
  Part of your playpen is here, there is more of it to the northeast. The playpen is all open.
  
  Zoe has your toy! ZOE HAS YOUR TOY!
  
  > take the toy
  Zoe sees you coming for the toy! She will not let you have it!
  
  Zoe runs off to the northwest with your toy!
  
  > Go northwest
  This is the part of the loveseat that is to the north. It goes on to the south and you could totally slip around the end of the loveseat to the west. There is the rocking chair to the east as well, that is always fun.
  
  Those sure are a bunch of Cheerios spilled everywhere.
  
  You can also see a poosh stick and Parry here.
  
  Zoe and Watson and Jemison and Cassie are here. Zoe has your toy! ZOE HAS YOUR TOY! Watson is gloomy in his sad homemade bat costume. Jemison is all dressed like a bumblebee. Cassie is dressed in this pumpkin costume, it is adorable.
  
  Cassie grabs a handful of Cheerios and inhales them.
  
  > take the toy
  Zoe tries to crawl away, but there are babies and Cheerios and it is a big train-wreck and she cannot get away!
  
  You lunge forward and yank on the toy and Zoe is all distracted by Cheerios and the toy pops out of her evil sweaty grasp! You have your toy!
  
  Zoe screws up her face and bursts into these loud wails, they are so terribly loud. She shoves at Cassie who also starts crying and soon just about everyone is crying except you, ha ha, they are such babies.
  
  Marion says, "I was afraid we were staying too late past Zoe's naptime. Farina, everyone, it's been fun, and glad you could come, Parry. See everyone next week." Hands come down and the squalling Zoe zips up into the air and into Marion's arms. Soon all of the babies are going skywards, parentwards, and out-the-doorwards.
  
  With them all gone the air kinda leaks out of you, it has been a long playdate. The mom gathers you and your favorite toy up. "C'mon, kid, let's get you to bed before you completely pass out." But you do not need naps, does she not understand that?
  
  Though your crib is nice and soft and your favorite toy chimes a bit as you curl around it and your teeny eyelids are so heavy.
  
  So...heavy....
  
  > Xyzzy
  Please give one of the answers above.
  
  > Xyzzy
  Everything you try just winds you tighter in the darkness, this sucks.
  
  You are trying not to breathe fast, it is hard when you are so closed in.
  
  > remove the cover
  (first taking the blanket)
  Everything you try just winds you tighter in the darkness, this sucks.
  
  The darkness is all scratchy on your skin.
  
  > cry
  Suddenly the darkness is gone, and it is so light, you are blinded for just a second. You blink and blink and then you can see the mom holding the blanket she was covering you with. "Oh, kid, I'm so sorry, I thought you were having fun," she says. "We'll do something else."
  
  That'll teach her.
  
  A child, a toy, and a rival by Stephen Granade
  
  All rights reserved.
  Type ABOUT for more information.
  
  This is the middle of the living room, it is all big and vast. But it would be bigger and vaster if there weren't all these pillows and stuff in a big ring around you. The mom is totally all paranoid and whatever, she is a new mom.
  
  There is a red footstool, it looms over you.
  
  The mom is playing with you and is all excited about it.
  
  You can also see a squishy ball, a plush book, and your favorite toy here.
  
  You eye your favorite toy and the mom sees you doing it and scoops it up. "No, no, we're going to try pulling up!" She is all the time trying to build your character or something. She waves the toy at you. "Look! Look where I'm putting it!" She drops the toy on the footstool where you can't see it unless you're all pulled up, that is just no fair.