text: [Themes: modern, humor]
  
  Good, that's real good. You're going to get laid.
  
  The world is a pretty fucked up place. You know? It's like this. Here you are, you're not a bad looking guy, and you have a car. And there's all these hot girls who you would enjoy screwing. They're on the street, on the soccer field, in their houses, and they would probably enjoy it too. Right? Well, it's not happening. Here you are, driving down main street, and there's no girl in the passenger seat reaching over at your dick, no girl home alone waiting for you to get there so you can do it. AND IT PISSES YOU OFF!!
  
  Looks like it's up to you to make it happen. Logistically speaking, it should be the easiest thing in the world.
  
  But it's not.
  
  Fortunately, you have this great internal organ that's going to help you out here. It's called a 'brain,' and it's thinking of some possibilities you should consider on your quest to get laid.
  
  Plan A: There's a redhead in your engineering technology class who you've been flirting back and forth with for a little while. She gave you her number the other day. You'd have to go back home to get it, but that's just as well, since you don't have a cell phone. You would have called her sooner, because she's actually pretty damn hot. There's just one problem... you don't remember her name!
  
  Plan B: You've known this girl called Arianna for a long time. She's slightly less hot than Plan A, but you've always been attracted to her because she reminds you of yourself. So much so that you can tell what she's thinking a lot of the time, and you can tell that she thinks you're all that, so you should probably have this one in the bag if you go for it. You know where she lives because you did a project for school together once. Now that you think of it, you're not sure why you haven't made a move on her before.
  
  Plan C: Finally, a girl named Jocelyn lives a few houses down from you. She will fuck you. You know this because she has offered. The catch: she weighs 300 pounds.
  
  So, what will it be?
  
  > Plan B
  Arianna is the kind of girl you'd like to spend some time with. So you take the next left and you're on your way to her house.
  
  A little while later, you're knocking at her door. Arianna answers, looking particularly well. She's got a low cut t-shirt and a sexy little purple skirt on. You don't remember her tits being as big as they are now... maybe she has a fancy bra on or something. Her long, light brown hair looks like it could use a wash. What the hell, nobody's perfect.
  
  "Hey," you say to her.
  
  "Hey", she replies. She starts to lift a hand right as you begin your next sentence.
  
  "May I come in?" As you say it, she completes her hand motion: waving you in. You follow her into the living room, to a seat on the couch.
  
  "So, are your -"
  
  "My folks aren't home."
  
  "Ah..."
  
  Looking at the TV, the hair on your neck starts to stand up and you turn to face Arianna. She's already looking back at you. You can tell by her weak smile and the look in her eye that you can SCORE RIGHT NOW. You just have to say the right thing. So as the two of you silently grin, looking each other in the eyes, not caring in the least how awkward you must look, you scour your brain for those words. But the same phrase just keeps repeating in your mind: SCORE RIGHT NOW.
  
  Well, you didn't come here to not be reckless, so you spit it out.
  
  "We should do it."
  
  Arianna smiles wider and puts a finger on your chest.
  
  "I like the way you think."
  
  This is working out well! You rip your shirt off all too eagerly and pause, for just a split second as you fumble with your belt, when an important detail occurs to you.
  
  That detail: are you just going to plow her right now, or should you try some foreplay type stuff first? Then Arianna interrupts your train of thought.
  
  "Are you just going to plow me right now, or are we going to try some foreplay type stuff first?"
  
  Frank, if not smooth. That's one of the things you love about this girl.
  
  > Sex
  What is this? A French porno? No, you go straight for the good stuff.
  
  Without going into too many details, the two of you have a very good time. So much so that you lose track of how late it's getting. You are reminded of this, however, when you hear the front door open.
  
  In the split second before Arianna's parents walk in, a few thoughts cross your mind. First, it would have been a wise investment of forty seconds or so if you had perhaps gone into the bedroom, instead of doing it right there on the couch. Second, it doesn't really matter at the moment what you should have done. It's more important what you're going to do right now. But, unfortunately, a split second isn't a lot of time to plan for these kinds of things, so you just decide to play it cool.
  
  When Arianna's parents do enter the house and you are faced with their incredulous stares, you break the ice as best you know how.
  
  "Hey. How you doing?"
  
  "..." It's a good thing, you suppose, that they are continuing to react just with incredulous stares. Arianna's father could easily be beating you with a lamp, or kicking you in the kidney right now, but he has even less of an idea what to do than you. Being a reckless young man, when you run into conflict, it's best when the other guy is indecisive. You thrive on that because it's a problem you yourself do not run into. So before he has a chance to get a swing in, you grab your pants and sprint out the back door.
  
  When you pull back into your garage, you congratulate yourself on an evening well spent.