text: [Themes: Humor, Cave crawl, male protagonist, humor]
  
  > Go downward
  An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the west. There is another exit to the northeast. Someone has chiseled gaps into the cave wall, forming a primitive ladder leading up to a hole in the ceiling.
  A table made from human skulls stands near the northeast exit. On the table stands a shimmering pink translucent cube and a small, rusty, holy grail.
  A small round stage stands close to the table. It is apparently made from human faces frozen in terrible screams.
  A small flamingo-headed man sits behind the table in a comfortable-looking armchair covered in obviously fake giraffe fur. He is wearing a jester's suit, including a ridiculous hat with bells on. He is staring at the pink cube.
  An armadillo-headed woman in a white toga sits next to him on a barstool made from green shimmering flames. She is reading a thick brown book called "Practical Tests of Existentialism".
  A cat-headed man sits next to her on a throne draped in black leather, with numerous spikes sticking out of it. He is tall, fat and dressed in a black leather jacket, black jeans and black leather boots.
  
  The goblin comes climbing down the ladder.
  
  There is a flickering image inside the cube. The flamingo-headed man giggles and says, "Some guy in Syria just got attacked by a woodpecker."
  
  > go to the north
  An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the south.
  Some runes are written on the wall.
  A genie floats about a meter above the ground. He looks like a man made of ice. He is bald, but has a beard of icicles. He has no legs; his stomach rises from a small cloud of icy steam. He holds an ice sabre.
  A hippoman, half man, half hippo, stands knitting something yellow. He is fat, purple and has two very thick legs. He is wearing your helmet. A young angry-looking woman stands holding a large placard saying "Save the monsters!" She is clearly one of those monster rights activists that have been making your job so much harder lately.
  The gremlin has climbed quite high up on the wall. He is a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears. He is wearing a tiny ring and is smoking a tiny cigarette.
  A large metal chest stands up against a wall. It is closed.
  A large machine is at the back of the cave. Its mechanisms looks very complex. Actually it is very easy to use. You know this because on a previous product-testing mission you came across a machine just like it and spend four hours trying to figure out how it worked. The machine is for sharpening tools and weapons. Just put what you want sharpened into it and wait.
  
  You can see a big tacky holy grail here.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > go south
  An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the north. There is also an exit to the south.
  A red automat, hundred of meters tall, stands in the middle of the cave. Despite the insane magnitude of the machine, its money-slot and buttons are normal-sized and placed at normal height. The merchandise-slot is also close to the floor, but huge enough to hold a horse. You have come across these automats before. Several companies have recently begun placing them in dangerous places, for adventurers who need equipment. They are easy to use; just buy something. Something is written on the automat next to the buttons.
  A stone altar stands up against a wall. It is low, shadowy, bloodstained and has runes written on it. Next to it is a huge pile of fish bones.
  
  On the altar you can see:
  A sluggish fish. Its eyes are white and have no pupils. It is crawling around.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > Go south
  This cave has an exit leading outside to the south, or you can go further into the mountain to the north.
  A burly barbarian is leaning against a wall, his arms crossed over his naked chest, a grim expression on his face. A long sabre is in his belt.
  A tough-looking dwarf, wearing chain mail and a helmet, is sitting on the floor. He is holding an axe almost as big as himself. He is smoking a pipe.
  A muscular white horse and a mangy donkey stand here.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > go to the north-east
  This cave has an exit leading outside to the southwest. In the middle of the ceiling, high above you, is a round hole. On the floor, directly under the hole, is a pile of hay.
  A short lever with a handle sticks out from a wall. The handle has a thin, wide gap, large enough for the fingers of one hand to go through. A metallic pyramid, about half a meter high, sticks up from the cave floor. You once tested a hundred different teleporters, and you recognize the pyramid as one of the safest and least complicated models. To use it you just stand on it and shake the lever repeatedly. This particular teleporter seems badly designed though: the lever is far away from it, almost on the other side of the cave.
  
  You can hear a low humming coming from the teleporter.
  
  Up from the lever sticks the new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger. It is shaking like crazy, but not enough to shake the lever.
  
  You can see a cage here.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  The sword goes even crazier and starts thrashing like a headless chicken on drugs.
  
  The sword makes the lever shake. The sound from the teleporter gets louder.
  
  > stand on the teleporter
  You get on the teleporter.
  
  The sword makes the lever shake. The sound gets even louder. A few electrical sparks shoots up from the teleporter. Your feet tickle.
  
  > stand on the teleporter
  The goblin gets on the teleporter.
  
  The sword makes the lever shake. The teleporter starts shaking and smoking. The cave begins to fade out around you, and another cave fades in.
  
  This cave has an exit to the east. In the middle of the floor is a round hole.
  A huge dead monster lies here, its four feet in the air. It has a stupid-looking face on a round gray hairless body. Its tiny eyes stare at nothing. The upper half of a dead pointy-eared elf is sticking out of its mouth. It looks like the monster choked on the elf. The elf is wearing a backpack.
  
  The goblin begins to fade in next to you. You look down at yourself. You seem unsubstantial, like a ghost. Slowly you begin to take on a more solid form. Now you look normal.
  
  > Go northwest
  You sneak out. The goblins don't seem to notice.
  
  This cave has an exit to the southeast.
  On the north wall is a small round metal hatch. It is closed.
  Near the hatch is a table.
  In a corner stands a short metal garbage can. It is open.
  
  On the table you can see:
  A long heavy-looking iron spear.
  
  The garbage can contains:
  A Remmingeim Royal crossbow. The older Royal model is almost identical to the Supreme. Very few but an experienced product tester like yourself could tell the difference. The Royal is quite good. It does not have the returning arrow function, but it is magically protected from theft and vandalism. It has an arrow identical to the one in the Supreme bow.
  
  > close the garbage can
  You close the garbage can.