text: [Themes: Humor, scientific experimentation, robot]
  
  > Look around
  It really does look just like your grandmother's kitchen. The oven, fridge, and counter are that same buttery marzipan color, those same seven drawers are next to the cabinet under the sink, even the kitten wallpaper is the same. That motivational poster belongs to the test chamber, though, and has survived its every redecoration including "submarine" and "open grave." The only other difference is a photograph over the oven where your grandmother used to hang the heads of her enemies (mostly crickets).
  
  Oh, and the observation chamber where Dr. Beagle is watching you through two-way glass. Your grandmother didn't have one of those.
  
  On the counter is a grocery bag.
  
  Soupbot is here to keep Pat company.
  
  Pat the head-patting robot is here waiting for you to do something worthy of a head-pat.
  
  You smell bacon.
  
  > take the bacon
  Hunger Level: Starving  |  Turns: 100  |  Score:
  15
  
  You reach out towards the delicious-looking bacon and discover it is actual bacon, taped to the photo. That will certainly make taking it a lot easier!
  
  You untape the bacon from the photo. Some sort of classical conditioning kicks in and you immediately drop it greasily into the grocery bag.
  
  > take the bag
  Hunger Level: Starving  |  Turns: 100  |  Score:
  15
  
  Which do you mean, the grocery bag or the bag of beef?
  
  > Grocery
  The lights, even the flashlight, suddenly flicker and go out...
  Then they come back on.
  Then they go out again.
  Hunger Level: Starving  |  Turns: 101  |  Score:
  15
  
  A small flame cuts through the darkness. As it draws closer you see it's composed of several even smaller flames, attached to a cake. The air around you is suddenly thick with the sounds of noisemakers and Perry Como singing "Happy Birthday to You."
  
  Is... is it your birthday?
  
  The lights come back on, and you see that Dr. Beagle and the robots are wearing party hats. In front of you, on Cakebot's head platter, is an elaborately frosted cake with sixteen lit candles and the words "HAPPY BITRHDAY CONTROL 15" in blue icing. Everyone seems to be waiting for you to blow out the candles.
  
  > examine the cake
  Hunger Level: Starving  |  Turns: 102  |  Score:
  15
  
  It's a beautiful cake. They really went all out, what with the icing and the flowers and the almost spelling "BIRTHDAY" right. The candles flicker cheerfully.
  
  The sight of food makes you salivate uncontrollably.
  
  > eat the cake
  Hunger Level: Starving  |  Turns: 103  |  Score:
  15
  
  You'll need to pick it up first. Go ahead. Pick up your cake. Happy birthday, by the way.
  
  > take the cake
  Hunger Level: Starving  |  Turns: 104  |  Score:
  15
  
  You pick up the elaborately frosted birthday cake, knowing full well you're just going to chuck it into the grocery bag when your classical conditioning kicks in, because your entire life is a sad farce. Yup. Any second now, you're going to throw the cake into the bag.
  
  Any second now?
  
  Okay. Don't freak out, but by some miracle, you are still holding on to the cake. I repeat, you are still holding on to the cake.
  
  So... now what do you do?
  
  > eat cake
  Hunger Level: Starving  |  Turns: 104  |  Score:
  15
  
  You shove the cake at your face, taking minimal care not to set your hair on fire. Your tongue almost touches icing when --
  
  >>%>#>ZAP!!!!!<*<&<<
  Dr. Beagle shocks you so hard that the wiring in your brain scrambles and you have to really quickly reform all of your neural connections, which is totally a thing that can happen. (Later, in your room, you will have to test whether or not this has given you superpowers, which is also totally a thing that can happen.)  As you lie twitching on the linoleum, you feel a familiar cold metal hug around your left calf, and barely have time to whisper hello to Sedatebot before everything goes white and fuzzy.
  
  You are just conscious enough as they wheel you past the kitchen to see that it's burritos in your IV tube again tonight. "Oh good, burritos," you think, passing out.
  
  > look at what you're carrying with you
  Hunger Level: Starving  |  Turns: 105  |  Score:
  15
  
  You are carrying:
  a cake
  an exoskeletal heat absorption glove (being worn)
  a can of snakes (open but empty)
  a flashlight (providing light and closed)
  a shock collar (being worn)
  a dinner jacket (being worn)
  
  > look at the grocery bag
  Hunger Level: Starving  |  Turns: 106  |  Score:
  15
  
  If this grocery bag could talk, it would inform you in no uncertain terms that it was a grocery bag.
  
  In the grocery bag are an order of bacon, a pear, a pizza, a pie, a piece of peanut brittle, Dr Bagel, a cup of creamed cauliflower, a cup of chowder, a bean, a basket of garlic bread, a beer, an egg, an ear of corn, a bottle of vinegar and a bag of beef.
  
  > examine the bean
  Hunger Level: Starving  |  Turns: 107  |  Score:
  15
  
  It looks up at you with a little dog face. "Did you know?" it asks. "If you scrape your face off, it'll take you almost a thousand years to grow a new one, cell by painful cell. Fortunately, it'll keep growing long after you die, although not necessarily on your skull." You feel the blood drain from your face.
  
  > put the cake in the bag
  Hunger Level: Starving  |  Turns: 107  |  Score:
  16
  
  (the grocery bag)
  You drop the lit birthday cake into the grocery bag, which surprises you by going whoosh up in flames, as though it were made out
  of 1970s kids' Halloween costumes. You can feel your eyebrows sizzle as you instinctively leap back from the column of fire. The countertop begins to melt, and the scrubbing bubbles flee down the drain before the sink catches. The dinosaur remains behind fighting fire with fire, which doesn't actually work very well. Soupbot pulls a hose attachment out of somewhere and starts spraying chicken broth everywhere in a twenty-foot radius. To her firefighting credit, she even gets some on the flames.
  
  "Did you know?" you hear a faint voice say from the inferno. "I'm on fire!"
  
  Pat pats your head quickly, then beats a strategic retreat through the robot flap. You think your score went up by one point, although you could barely feel it through the heat of the blaze, or hear it over the slow clapping of Slowclapbot. The ceiling crashes down around you as you stand perfectly still in the center of the burning kitchen, staring at your own reflection in Dr. Beagle's mirrored sunglasses. (Wait, where'd he get those?)
  
  Dr. Beagle's tail is wagging. Who's a good test subject? You are. You're a good test subject. Now he's reaching for the Bell...