text: [Themes: Book Adaption, Humor, Fantasy, Satire, fan fiction, satire]
  
  Day after endless day, stuck in this hideous palace. Its very greenness mocks you: There are no trees here that you can cut down. Every day you spend an hour or two whacking on the big log they put in your suite, but it's just not the same. For companions you have only an endless stream of anonymous, fawning courtiers, that dunce of a Scarecrow, the pathetically neurotic Lion, and - every time you turn around, it seems - the ill-mannered, ill-tempered brat and her yapping, incontinent dog.
  
  The brat - give her her proper name, Dorothy - is the worst of the lot. Some way has got to be found to send her back to Kansas. And quickly!
  
  The Wizard is useless, of course. Hides himself away in his chamber and throws open the doors only when he's ready to show off some new bit of stage magic even more pathetic than the last bit. After which everyone tells him how wonderful and magnificent he is, kiss, kiss. No, you'll have to manage it somehow with or without his aid. To make matters worse, you have no idea where Kansas is, or how one might get there from here.
  
  Nor is Dorothy being cooperative. She doesn't want to go back to Kansas, that's abundantly clear. Oh, once in a while she delivers a pious, tearful speech about how terribly she misses her Aunt Em. But most of the time she's all too happy jumping out from behind the furniture and shouting "Boo!" to torment the poor Lion, or flicking lighted matches at the Scarecrow, or gorging herself on endless mounds of caramels.
  
  But this time she's truly gone too far: She's stolen your oilcan.
  
  An irreverent visit to the Emerald City, for children of all ages.
  
  Green walls, green ceiling, green floor, green curtains on the windows - yes, whoever designed this city had definite ideas about attractive color schemes. After you started attacking the furniture with your axe (strictly out of boredom), they took the furniture away and replaced it with an enormous log. The log has, at least, the virtue that it's not green. And since you never sit or lie down, you have no need of chairs or a bed.
  
  The entire floor is littered with wood chips. The door is to the north.
  
  > Chop log
  (with your axe)
  You take a few swipes at the log with the axe - chunk, chunk, chunk! Chips fly. But your heart just isn't in it. Also, your elbows are getting pretty rusty. You really do need to find that oilcan.
  
  > look at the chips
  The floor is at least two inches deep in wood chips, and beneath the chips is a layer of sawdust. Visible in the dust, in addition to the well-defined tracks of your own passage, are a number of crooked trails that appear to be tiny footprints.
  
  > Search chips
  You poke around half-heartedly among the wood chips. You weren't really expecting to find your oilcan buried among them, and sure enough - you don't.
  
  > examine the footprints
  The footprints could have been made by a mouse.
  
  > follow the footprints
  The tiny footprints crisscross one another in a haphazard way.
  There's no telling which way they came from, or which way they're going.
  
  > examine the walls
  west wall: You see nothing unusual about it.
  east wall: You see nothing unusual about it.
  north wall: You see nothing unusual about it.
  south wall: You see nothing unusual about it.
  
  > Rage against inform 7
  The word "rage" is not necessary in this story.
  
  (If this was an accidental misspelling, you can correct it by typing OOPS followed by the corrected word now. Any time the story points out an unknown word, you can correct a misspelling using OOPS as your next command.)
  
  > Go south
  You can't go that way. The only obvious exit leads north.
  
  > go north
  Eeiieyikgkgkgx! Every time you move, your joints make horrible noises.
  
  The wide green hallway provides access to the private suites in which the Wizard's special guests are lodged. The door to your own suite is to the south, and the Lion's door is across the hall to the north.
  You can proceed down the hallway to the east, or descend the broad stairway to the west.
  
  > go to the north
  Sssccrriikkkh....
  
  The suite provided for the Lion is remarkable chiefly for the enormous bed, which is not only wide and long but also equipped with unusually long legs and a green bedspread, which hangs down nearly to the floor. Your olfactory sensors, while not very sensitive, work well enough to indicate the presence of an earthy animal odor. The exit from the room is to the south.
  
  The edge of the bedspread twitches.
  
  > look under the bedspread
  As you attempt to lift the edge of the bedspread so as to look under the bed, a low-pitched, gruff, tremulous, and rather muffled voice says, "G-g-grrr. G-g-g-grrrrr! G-g-go away, or I"ll ee-ee-eat you!
  I m-m-m-mean it!"
  
  > Chop bed
  (with your axe)
  Hacking at random objects with your axe would make you fairly unpopular, fairly quickly.
  
  > get the bedspread
  Subjecting the Lion to the harsh light of day would be cruel. He seems to be happy under there (or at least as happy as he's capable of being). Why not leave the bedspread be?
  
  > ask Lion about the oil can
  "I'm wondering," you venture. "Might you be able to help me get my oilcan back from Dorothy?"
  
  "I don't see how," the Lion replies. "She has no r-r-respect for m-m-me, as you well know."
  
  "Couldn't you roar at her or something?"
  
  "I doubt she'll respond to th-th-threats," the Lion says. "I think you need a strategem. But I couldn't really tell you what to t-t-t-try."
  
  > ask Lion about Dorothy
  "That w-w-wretched little girl! Whenever I least expect it, just when I start to regain my c-c-composure, she leaps out at me and screams! And then, when I react, as is only natural - I'm not m-m-m-made of stone, you know - she laughs. She fairly shrieks with laughter! Oh, it's too much. I am the King of Beasts, after all. To be hu-m-m-miliated like that!
  
  I've made up my mind: I'm not coming out from under here until she's gone. P-p-promise me you'll think of a way to get rid of her. P-p-please?"
  
  > go south
  Gggghhhrrggkk. The noise coming from your knees is appalling. Your joints feel alarmingly stiff when you move.
  
  The wide green hallway provides access to the private suites in which the Wizard's special guests are lodged. The door to your own suite is to the south, and the Lion's door is across the hall to the north.
  You can proceed down the hallway to the east, or descend the broad stairway to the west.
  
  > go east
  Eeeiicchrxkk! What a racket!
  
  The wide green hallway extends westward from here. The doorway to the north leads to the Scarecrow's private suite, while the doorway to the south leads to Dorothy's suite.
  
  > Go north
  Xxxxxx.... What a racket! Your joints are definitely binding each time you move. You'll need to locate the oilcan before long.
  
  The suite in which the Scarecrow has been staying is furnished only with a few decorative sheaves of corn and a large green chalkboard. The door is to the south.
  
  The Scarecrow is standing at the chalkboard, looking befuddled, baffled, and bemused.
  
  > ask Scarecrow about the oilcan
  "You say Dorothy took it? Well, I can't say I'm surprised. I do hope you'll be able to get it back before too very long. You're sounding just a little creaky, if you don't mind my saying so." The Scarecrow's eyes droop with painted sadness.
  
  > ask Scarecrow about Scarecrow
  "Me? I'm nothing," he says. "Or practically nothing. Just a patchy old suit stuffed with straw. Of course, if I had a brain in my head, I'm sure everyone would admire me."
  
  > examine the chalkboard
  The chalkboard fills most of one wall. Most of it appears quite pristine, as if it has never been written on at all. Toward the right end, however, the incomplete equation "2 + 2 =   " has been scribbled. At least, that's what it looks like. The space to the right of the equals sign has been repeatedly smudged and haphazardly erased, as if whoever was writing there (and you have a shrewd idea who that would be) was growing more and more frustrated.
  
  > ask Scarecrow about Dorothy
  "Such a dear sweet little thing!" The Scarecrow's head bobs up and down in a way that you'd probably find quite comical if you had a sense of humor. (A sense of humor is not included in the specification of the DWC-397.)  "I only wish she wasn't quite so full of mischief," he goes on. "Do you think you could find out where she gets the matches? And - if it's not asking too much - would you mind very much asking her to give them to you?
  
  "I'm quite immune to most sorts of danger, you know. I can fall from a great height and get up and walk away. Doesn't bother me a bit.
  But I am flammable. And she knows that, I know she does. I've told her a dozen times.
  
  "Maybe she's just forgetful. I could understand that. I'm quite forgetful myself, you know. Comes of having no brains. Maybe you could just remind her that it's not nice trying to set her friends on fire. If you'd be so good, dear chap."
  
  > ask Scarecrow,  to go south
  The Scarecrow's attention seems to have been captured by a spider dangling down from the ceiling. He doesn't reply to your request.
  
  > Go south
  Rrtktktkrriieee! That horrible grinding noise....
  
  The wide green hallway extends westward from here. The doorway to the north leads to the Scarecrow's private suite, while the doorway to the south leads to Dorothy's suite.
  
  > go south
  Eeiieyikgkgkgx! What a racket!
  
  This room has been extravagantly outfitted with every manner of luxury, from frilly curtains and cozy throw-pillows (all of them green) to a clutter of dolls and music boxes. Standing next to the enormous, puffy chair is a spindly glass table. Dangling down behind the chair, in a position that makes it easy to reach without standing, is a long green silk rope with a green tassel on the end. The door is to the north.
  
  Dorothy is sitting in the overstuffed green chair, with a big silver tray heaped with caramels on the table at her elbow. When she sees you, her eyes light up with mischief. "Hello, Tin Woodman," she says sweetly. "You're sounding a little squeaky today, aren't you?" She covers her mouth to stifle a giggle.
  
  Toto is curled up in Dorothy's lap. His yellow eyes are fixed on you with either disdain or veiled hostility.
  
  > pull the rope
  You give the silk rope a gentle experimental tug. There's a distant tinkling sound, as if it's attached to a bell in a nearby room. In a moment a green-clad servant scurries into the suite bearing an enormous plate piled high with caramels. After bowing deeply to Dorothy, he starts to put the fresh tray of caramels on the little table beside the girl's chair. But then he sees that the tray on the table is still piled high with caramels. After a puzzled moment, he shrugs and strides away again.
  
  > examine the caramels
  The caramels look very gooey.
  
  > ask Dorothy about the matches
  "The Scarecrow tells me you've been flicking matches at him again," you say sternly.
  
  "Oh, pooh," Dorothy replies, unconcerned. "He's exaggerating. I only did it once or twice. And anyhow, it didn't hurt him, did it?"
  
  > eat the caramels
  The DWC-397 Deluxe Wood Chopper is not powered by organic substances. You never eat. In fact, you have no stomach.
  
  > ask Dorothy about oil can
  Dorothy glances surreptitiously at the big wicker basket at her feet, and then looks slyly at you to see whether you noticed. "I'm very sure I don't know what you're talking about," she says prettily. "Anyway, you still seem to be moving around pretty good. I don't know why you're so worried about your silly old oilcan."
  
  > examine basket
  The wicker basket is sitting at Dorothy's feet. Within it is a plump green cushion, which is stained a rather darker green in the middle, as if a small dog who is not very clean is in the habit of lying there.
  
  > get the basket
  As you reach out toward the wicker basket, Toto snarls and snaps at you. In a make-believe adult voice, Dorothy says, "Trying to take nice doggy's nice basket. Shame on you!" She strokes the disgusting little animal's head and fondles his ears lingeringly.
  
  > look at the dog
  Toto is a small, bad-tempered black dog.
  
  > take the caramel
  Moving with as much stealth as possible, given the amount of noise your joints are making, you sidle up to the caramel tray and pounce on it!
  
  After leveling a smoky glare at you, Dorothy calmly reaches up and pulls the bell rope behind her chair. You hear a distant tinkle. Shortly a green-clad servant rushes into the suite bearing an enormous plate piled high with caramels. After bowing deeply to Dorothy, the servant puts the fresh tray of caramels on the little table beside the girl's chair, gently but firmly removes the other tray from your grasp, empties the remaining caramels from it onto the fresh tray (which causes a few of them to cascade onto the floor), and, with another bow, withdraws.
  
  Deliberately not looking at you, Dorothy takes a fresh caramel, pops it into her mouth, and chews with great determination.
  
  > check your inventory
  You are carrying your axe.
  
  > look
  This room has been extravagantly outfitted with every manner of luxury, from frilly curtains and cozy throw-pillows (all of them green) to a clutter of dolls and music boxes. Standing next to the enormous, puffy chair is a spindly glass table. Dangling down behind the chair, in a position that makes it easy to reach without standing, is a long green silk rope with a green tassel on the end. The door is to the north.
  
  Dorothy is sitting in the overstuffed green chair, with a big silver tray heaped with caramels on the table at her elbow.
  
  Toto is curled up in Dorothy's lap. His yellow eyes are fixed on you with either disdain or veiled hostility.
  
  > Go north
  Xxxxxx.... Need that oilcan!
  
  The wide green hallway extends westward from here. The doorway to the north leads to the Scarecrow's private suite, while the doorway to the south leads to Dorothy's suite.
  
  > go west
  Rrtktktkrriieee! That horrible grinding noise....
  
  The wide green hallway provides access to the private suites in which the Wizard's special guests are lodged. The door to your own suite is to the south, and the Lion's door is across the hall to the north.
  You can proceed down the hallway to the east, or descend the broad stairway to the west.
  
  > go west
  If you go down the stairs before you find that oilcan and get your joints oiled, you'll never be able to get back up again.
  
  > E then the e then S
  Eeeiicchrxkk! The noise coming from your knees is appalling. Need that oilcan!!
  
  The wide green hallway extends westward from here. The doorway to the north leads to the Scarecrow's private suite, while the doorway to the south leads to Dorothy's suite.
  
  You can't go that way. Obvious exits lead north, to the the scarecrow's private suite; south, to Dorothy's private suite; and west, back to the green hallway.
  
  Gggghhhrrggkk. You're able to move only with difficulty. This is going to be a real problem before very much longer.
  
  This room has been extravagantly outfitted with every manner of luxury, from frilly curtains and cozy throw-pillows (all of them green) to a clutter of dolls and music boxes. Standing next to the enormous, puffy chair is a spindly glass table. Dangling down behind the chair, in a position that makes it easy to reach without standing, is a long green silk rope with a green tassel on the end. The door is to the north.
  
  Dorothy is sitting in the overstuffed green chair, with a big silver tray heaped with caramels on the table at her elbow.
  
  Toto is curled up in Dorothy's lap. His yellow eyes are fixed on you with either disdain or veiled hostility.
  
  > cut the rope
  (with your axe)
  You wait until a moment when Dorothy is letting Toto lick her face, and sidle over to the bell rope (moving very cautiously so as not to alert her by making any squeaking noises. A stealthy backhand blow from your trusty axe severs the rope up near the ceiling. It sighs down into a little coil on the floor, like a dead snake.
  
  > take the caramel
  When she notices that the tray of caramels is not conveniently positioned at her elbow, Dorothy turns to grab the bell rope. When she sees it coiled on the floor, she belatedly realizes that her ready supply of caramels has been cut off. "You give me back those right now!" she shrieks. "Give them back at once, do you hear?" You make a noble but perhaps ineffective attempt not to smirk.
  
  > ask Dorothy about the oil can
  "Oh, all right, all right." Dorothy wrinkles her upper lip. "Just give me back my nice caramels, and I'll give you your stupid oilcan. It's a fair trade."
  
  > give the caramels to Dorothy
  Dorothy looks doubtfully from the plate of caramels (which you're holding) to the wicker basket at her feet. Her little brows wrinkle up, and you're afraid she's about to go into the gallons-of-tears routine. But then she says, sniffling, "If I give you the oilcan, will you give me back my nice caramels?"
  
  Since that was the whole point of cutting the rope and grabbing the caramels (what other earthly use would you have for the sticky things?), you say with dignity, "We can trade, if you like."
  
  Without further ado, Dorothy reaches down into the big wicker basket at her feet, gropes under the green cushion, extracts the oilcan, and holds it out to you by the spout in a stiff fist. It requires an effort not to lunge at it and grab it, but you don't want to give her the satisfaction. You unwrap her fingers from around the spout quite gently, take the can, and give her the tray of caramels. She promptly stuffs half a dozen of them into her mouth and chews with great determination, glaring at you the while. You've spoiled her fun.
  
  > Oil yourself
  Doink, doink. Doink-doink-doink! Working swiftly, you apply oil to each of your joints in turn. Ahh, how soothing! In short order you're as good as new.