text: > look around
  You're in the dining room, which isn't really a separate room but
  just the northwest corner of the living room. A table dominates the area. A six-foot partition separates the dining room and living room from the kitchen, which is to the east (evidently, building a wall all the way up to the ceiling would have been too expensive). The living room lies to the south.
  Sitting on the table is some junk mail.
  
  > examine the chair
  It's a high-tech office chair, ergonomically designed with a low back, armrests, rollers, and a swivel base. The chair is upholstered in black leather like all of the other furniture you've seen here.
  
  > go to the south
  A woman is here.
  
  Someone at the rear of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you at the rear," the woman says, pointing to her.
  "I'm a very rich individual and I refuse to be treated in this
  manner. I've made charitable contributions all my life, and we've never beaten the help -- not when they didn't deserve it, anyway, the lazy bastards. This is an outrage! You can be sure you will be hearing from my lawyer! What do you have to say for yourself?" she asks.
  The woman responds, "I'm sure you have a very good case. However,
  I'm afraid that the legal system in Hell is based on the United States judicial system. So, as you must know, the courts are so overloaded with frivolous lawsuits that legitimate claims, such as yours undoubtedly is, cannot be accepted. Any lawsuit found to have merit is immediately and summarily dismissed. There are some very good personal injury lawyers that you might wish to contact, though."
  
  > take the chair
  You can't have the folding chair.
  
  Someone at the left of the room raises his hand. "Yes, you at the left," the woman says, pointing to him.
  "I used to drive nitro-burning ground-pounding six-second funny
  cars. Is there any chance that I'll be able to shake hands with the devil while I scream through the gates of Hell?" he asks.
  The woman responds, "I'm afraid that, due to the volume of new immigrants, the devil is unable to personally greet each new arrival."
  
  > take the podium
  The podium isn't important.
  
  Someone at the right of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you at the right," the woman says, pointing to her.
  "Is this heaven or hell?" she asks.
  The woman responds, "You know what they say -- if you have to ask
  --" she chuckles. "It is technically hell, although that's such a loaded word that we don't like to use it. Most ideas people have about hell are very outdated. Ever since the deregulation of the afterlife industry, we've had to compete with Heaven for eternal souls -- because you're free to switch to Heaven at any time. So, we've been modernizing! There really isn't much eternal torment these days, for example. And, thanks to the Environmental Clean-up Superfund, we have the brimstone problem mostly under control at this point."
  
  > examine the railing
  It's a very intricate network of black metal rails, hanging about four feet below the ceiling.
  
  > go south
  A woman is here.
  
  Someone at the right of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you at the right," the woman says, pointing to her.
  "Can I go back to earth as a ghost and haunt people?" she asks.
  The woman responds, "No, unfortunately not. However, our top scientists are working on this problem, and the latest reports indicate that it may be possible in the near future. Those of you with scientific backgrounds, in particular those of you who went to Caltech and really understand what makes a good prank, may want to look into joining the project."
  
  > ask the bartender for a the light
  "Sorry, only what you see here."
  
  The technician plows through another mug of beer.
  
  > show the cigarette to the bartender
  The bartender isn't impressed.
  
  The technician plows through another mug of beer.
  
  > ask the technician for a the light
  I don't think the technician could give that to you.
  
  The technician plows through another mug of beer.
  
  > ask the passenger about lighter
  They seem too distracted to talk to you.
  
  > Go north
  A woman is here.
  
  Someone in the middle of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you in the middle," the woman says, pointing to her.
  "I was wondering, where is the famous 'All hope abandon, ye who
  enter here' sign? I want to get some pictures with it." she asks.
  The woman responds, "Actually, the sign said 'Lasciate ogni
  speranza, voi ch'entrate,' and I'm afraid it's been taken down. People found it too depressing. But there are several very nice vista points that you can find in the tour book."
  
  > ask the woman about lighter
  Try as you might, you can't seem to attract her attention -- someone always gets in with a question first.
  
  Someone at the right of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you at the right," the woman says, pointing to her.
  "Which circle of hell are we doomed to?" she asks.
  The woman responds, "We abolished the circle system shortly after
  the middle ages after the 'separate and unequal' principle was ruled illegal. You're free to go wherever you'd like -- even up to Heaven."
  
  > ask the woman for a the light
  The light isn't important.
  
  Someone near the center of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you near the center," the woman says, pointing to her.
  "Why did I end up here? What did I do wrong?" she asks.
  The woman responds, "Really, you must shed your outdated notions of hell. You don't have to do anything wrong to end up here. New souls are randomly assigned to Heaven or Hell based on the last four digits of your Celestial Security Number. The Heaven-Hell border was opened a long time ago, though, so your initial assignment is not permanent."
  
  > examine the light
  That isn't important.
  
  Someone in the middle of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you in the middle," the woman says, pointing to her.
  "You said we can go to Heaven. How do we get there?" she asks.
  The woman responds, "The easiest way is to use the HadesCorp Space Needle. It's impossible to miss -- it's the tallest free-standing structure in hell. The view from the elevator is fantastic."
  
  > look at the woman
  She's a middle-aged woman, with light brown hair and large round glasses, dressed in a dark business suit. She's busy fielding questions from your fellow passengers.
  
  Someone at the rear of the room raises his hand. "Yes, you at the rear," the woman says, pointing to him.
  "You mentioned jobs. What if I don't want to work?" he asks.
  The woman responds, "That's up to you. Dead people have no material needs. And, unlike in real life, you'll find that you won't need to eat or sleep every forty or fifty turns, which is a real convenience. However, most people like to feel useful, and derive a sense of purpose from their employment here."
  
  > ask the passenger for a the light
  The light isn't important.
  
  Someone at the right of the room raises his hand. "Yes, you at the right," the woman says, pointing to him.
  "I used to work as a lobbyist. Are similar positions available
  here?" he asks.
  The woman responds, "Absolutely! However, you may find that there
  are quite a few lobbyists in Hell, which will probably not surprise anyone. Incidentally, anyone interested in public affairs should tune in to H-SPAN, which broadcasts programs that cover a wide array of current events. I believe the station number is 319."
  
  > go to the west
  The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "How many fingers am I holding up?" The woman replies, "Three." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
  
  > ask the woman for a the light
  I don't think the young woman could give that to you.
  
  The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Do you know your blood pressure?" The woman replies, "130 over 70." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
  
  > ask the officer for a the light
  I don't think the Celestial Security officer could give that to you.
  
  The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Have you ever filed a claim against your automobile, homeowner's, renter's, malpractice, health, or dental insurance?" The woman replies, "I had an automobile accident in 1982, but it wasn't my fault, and I had regular dental checkups between 1981 and 1990 that were billed to my dental insurance." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
  
  > Go east
  Sitting on the counter is an appointment card.
  A DMV official is here.
  
  You walk over to the window where the employee is standing.
  
  The DMV employee looks at you, obviously annoyed by your continued presence. "What more could you want? Go bother someone else."
  
  > ask the employee for a the light
  I don't think the DMV official could give that to you.
  
  The DMV employee looks at you, obviously annoyed by your continued presence. "What more could you want? Go bother someone else."
  
  > take the appointment card
  Taken.
  
  The DMV employee looks at you, obviously annoyed by your continued presence. "What more could you want? Go bother someone else."
  
  > ask the employee about lighter
  "It's against policy to answer questions."
  
  The DMV employee looks at you, obviously annoyed by your continued presence. "What more could you want? Go bother someone else."
  
  > Go north
  An old, white-bearded man wearing a white robe is standing in the corner of the elevator near the controls. He is evidently the elevator operator.
  
  > ask the teller for a the light
  He seems more interested in discussing official bank business.
  
  The teller looks at you expectantly.
  
  > ask the teller about lighter
  He seems more interested in discussing bank business.
  
  The teller looks at you expectantly.
  
  > Go east
  A programmer is sitting in front of the computer, looking at a screenful of C code.
  
  The programmer looks pensively at the screen.
  
  > go south
  Sitting on the bed is a bedspread.
  
  > examine the bed
  The bed almost fills the room. There's nothing on the bed.