text: [Themes: Fantasy]
  
  Money will come when you are doing the right thing.
  
  Babe, I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to cancel dinner. Yeah, I've got to stop the boss from being executed.
  
  Beginner's Lessons from "The Big Book of Financial Crimes"
  
  No! My shiniest of shiny objects! Don't fly aw--- Come back! I love you!
  
  Well, now that my girlfriend's mad at me, where were we? Ah, right.
  
  It's kind of boring here. I hear the king hasn't put anybody in the dungeon in over a year. Must make you feel special. It's drafty, being up in the tower, and the stones in the wall have chips and various--- do you really care? They're old. The door looks pretty sturdy. There's some light coming into the room from a window about, uh, twice your height up. Can we leave?
  
  I can see a tapestry, a bed, a mirror and an annoying git in a dress here.
  
  > About yourself
  You're a mediocre wizard. No, no, boss, don't look sad! Wait for me to finish! You're a great inventor! See, there was a compliment coming. You always have the best ideas. Remember Primo Eyeballs-in-a-Can? That was my personal favorite, for obvious reasons. But your ideas don't always, er, work right. That's why you took the wizarding job: 'cause it gets you money to work on your inventions until we hit it big. Which we will, as soon as we replace all that missing money and keep you from getting killed and, um, okay, this is probably not cheering you up as much as I'd hoped.
  
  Right now your body is in the corner, unconscious. You're wearing your completely awesome purple robe, but your hat got lost in the arrest fiasco. The stupid fat guy searched you and took all your stuff, but maybe there's something he missed. I don't know.
  
  > check your inventory
  I'm carrying around:
  the mind of a mediocre wizard
  
  > look at the mirror
  It's an oval mirror with a steel frame bolted to the wall. The frame has little diamond-shaped cutouts in it. The mirror itself is about as big as I am. It's got a big dent in it, but it still works as a reflective surface.
  
  > look in the mirror
  Hey, it's me! I'm W.D., your familiar, and I'm awesome. Check out these feathers!
  
  > examine wizard
  (the annoying git in a dress)
  You're a mediocre wizard. No, no, boss, don't look sad! Wait for me to finish! You're a great inventor! See, there was a compliment coming. You always have the best ideas. Remember Primo Eyeballs-in-a-Can? That was my personal favorite, for obvious reasons. But your ideas don't always, er, work right. That's why you took the wizarding job: 'cause it gets you money to work on your inventions until we hit it big. Which we will, as soon as we replace all that missing money and keep you from getting killed and, um, okay, this is probably not cheering you up as much as I'd hoped.
  
  Right now your body is in the corner, unconscious. You're wearing your completely awesome purple robe, but your hat got lost in the arrest fiasco. The stupid fat guy searched you and took all your stuff, but maybe there's something he missed. I don't know.
  
  > examine the dress
  I love your robe. It's so stylish. It's purple and dark purple and darker purple and all swirly patterned and stuff, and it's covered in sequins and sparkles and shiny and glittery and glowy! It's mesmerizing. You look great, even unconscious. There are big floppy pockets sewn inside. You usually keep all kinds of stuff in there.
  
  > look in the pockets
  Hey, hey, there's a magic wand in one of the pockets! Man, the fat guy didn't even think it was worth taking? That's just sad.
  
  > look at the wand
  This is the Aetheric Coin Generator Mark III! It turns air into faery coins. The Mark I only lasted through seven thousand uses or so, and Mark II backfired and turned coins into air.
  
  > examine the tapestry
  It's a garish sight. I'm usually all over things with more than thirty colors, but none of these even go together. I don't think humans are supposed to be that shade of orange. I think the blue blobby thing is meant to be a unicorn, but that's a wild guess.
  
  The tapestry was probably made by the late queen. I've heard stories about her prolific and, er, unique talent. I'm sure the old guy couldn't bear to throw it out, and nobody else could bear to look at it. There's a wobbly inscription woven into the corner.
  
  > examine inscription
  "To my beloved on our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. May our love always be as eternal as the flowing fountain."
  
  That's a fountain? I guess this was made by the queen. Aw, that's so sad. I mean, she had no taste, but they say the old guy really loved her and went mad with grief after she died. I guess that was good for us, with you getting the job here and him never caring what you did.
  
  > get the tapestry
  That's fixed in place.
  
  > look at the bed
  It's a wooden bed frame that would be big enough for one human with a mattress or pillows, but there aren't any around. It doesn't look particularly comfortable, and the wood's splintering.
  
  > look under the bed
  Nothing but a bit of dust.
  
  > examine the door
  It's a big wooden door, wide enough for two humans to walk through it at once. Based on all the noise when they threw us in here, it's locked from the outside.
  
  > open the door
  Hmm, the latch won't move. I think it's locked, and I don't think I'd be strong enough to push it open even if it weren't. Wings aren't really good for that kind of task.
  
  > examine the window
  The "window" is just a space in the stones. It's smaller than a human but bigger than a raven, if you catch my drift.
  
  > wake wizard
  (the annoying git in a dress)
  Your body is out cold from that whack the guards gave you, apparently unconscious beyond what I can fix with ravenous violence. You're lucky you ate one of your Mind Melding Mints when you did. I am not so lucky.
  
  I will also point out that I have not eaten your delicious eyeballs, despite having a perfect opportunity to do so. You're welcome.
  
  > look at Mind
  It's...well...it's hard to describe what it's like to have someone else in your head.
  
  > put Mind in the wizard
  (the annoying git in a dress)
  If only it was that easy.
  
  > Peck wizard
  (the annoying git in a dress)
  ..You know what? You, I will do random violence to. Consider yourself pecked. You're still unconscious, though.
  
  > fly through the window
  Whooooosh! I'm flying out the window to sweet, delicious freedom! And to sweet, delicious rotting meat, with any luck.
  
  The gate's closed, which is a pity since we could probably steal a lot of nice stuff if we could get into the throne room or the king's bedroom. But the castle's on lockdown while the treasurer tries to figure out where the king's wandered off to, and I'm not going to attempt to peck my way through the giant wooden doors.
  
  > go west
  I've stopped in front of a cottage, which is the only interesting thing for miles. Fields of corn barely taller than I am surround us and make for a really dull view. Civilization is back to the northwest, and the castle is east of here.
  
  There's a red barn off to the west.
  
  I can also see a hedgehog here.
  
  > examine the hedgehog
  Hedgehogs are, sadly, inedible, so there's not much to say about them. This one is frolicking, which is very undignified. In fact, I think it's singing.
  
  > listen to the hedgehog
  It appears to be singing about how nice it is to be pointy. I think I'm losing intelligence just listening to it.
  
  The hedgehog starts to sing:
  
  Doop de dooooooo,
  It's a round life for meeeeee!
  We're roly and poly
  And hedgyhogoly,
  A life in the hedge is for meeeeee!
  
  > Peck hedgehog
  I wish I could, but he's just too pointy.
  
  > Hello
  "Hey, hedgehog, I---"
  
  "Hi! Got any food? Got any food? Iiiiiiiiii'm pointy!"
  
  I think I'm done here.
  
  The hedgehog starts to sing:
  
  Singing is the best,
  The best, the best!
  What's the best?
  That's riiiiiiiiight, it's siiiiiiiinging!
  
  > ask the hedgehog about the food
  "Hey, hedgehog, I---"
  
  "Hi! Got any food? Got any food? Iiiiiiiiii'm pointy!"
  
  I think I'm done here.
  
  > feed the hedgehog
  (to the hedgehog)
  I haven't got the hedgehog.
  
  > look at the corn
  The corn won't be ripe for months. I wish we still had some of that Numinous Plant Enhancer left. Man, that was a great invention. It turned plants into rotting meat! I don't understand why nobody wanted to buy it.
  
  The hedgehog starts to sing:
  
  Singing is the best,
  The best, the best!
  What's the best?
  That's riiiiiiiiight, it's siiiiiiiinging!
  
  > look at the barn
  It's a bit far off to see very well.
  
  The hedgehog starts to sing:
  
  Is a happy happy hog!
  It's a good day for eating
  And siiiiiiiiiiiinging!
  
  > examine the cottage
  A fairly nondescript house of the sort I understand humans like to live in. Its door is ajar.
  
  > Go inside
  You'll have to be more specific, boss.
  
  The hedgehog starts to sing:
  
  Is a happy happy hog!
  It's a good day for eating
  And siiiiiiiiiiiinging!
  
  > enter the cottage
  These little country houses are hit or miss. Sometimes they have good food to steal. Sometimes their owners want to cook and eat you. This particular one is a one-room cottage with a thatched roof. The chimney's the nicest thing here. Unfortunately for us, there's nothing cooking on the fireplace. No fire either, so waiting around here isn't going to get us any food. Nobody's here, though the door to the north is ajar.
  
  A ramshackle table stands against the wall.
  
  There are some farming tools in the corner of the cottage.
  
  > look at the chimney
  It's a red brick chimney. I'm not a great judge--- I don't know why anyone would ruin meat by setting it on fire--- but it looks nicer than the rest of the house. The bricks look like they're exactly the same size, and they're laid out in straight rows. Most of them, anyway; one is sticking out a bit. It looks like the mortar surrounding it has been cut away.
  
  > examine the brick
  There's one brick in the fireplace that's sticking out. It looks like the mortar around it's been cut away.
  
  > pull the brick
  Okay. It's a rough surface. I can probably get my claws in and drag it out. Rrrgh! Well, I didn't manage to pry it all the way out, but I did shift it a little. There's a parchment concealed under the brick.
  
  > get the parchment
  Taken.
  
  > read it
  This is...well...man, this is a lot of text. I didn't know humans could write letters that tiny. Give me a minute.
  
  ...Okay, I'm pretty sure it's some kind of insurance policy. Bearer gets...um, hmm. I think it's an insurance policy on a barn west of here, but don't quote me on that.
  
  > look under the table
  Good idea! Maybe there are some shiny coins or something!
  
  No, sadly.
  
  > examine the tools
  They're some tools that you humans probably use to farm, uh, farm stuff. Some of them have pointy bits, if that helps.
  
  > check your inventory
  I'm carrying around:
  some farming tools
  a parchment
  the mind of a desperate wizard
  
  > Go north
  I've stopped in front of a cottage, which is the only interesting thing for miles. Fields of corn barely taller than I am surround us and make for a really dull view. Civilization is back to the northwest, and the castle is east of here.
  
  There's a red barn off to the west.
  
  I can also see a hedgehog here.
  
  The hedgehog starts to sing:
  
  Is a happy happy hog!
  It's a good day for eating
  And siiiiiiiiiiiinging!
  
  > show the tools to the hedgehog
  I'm not getting any response. Pssh. I wish I had one of your Extremely Loud Icebreaker Crackers. Those always got a response, even if it was usually a violent one.
  
  > give the tools to the hedgehog
  Hey, this is hard-earned stuff. I'm not just giving it away here.
  
  > Go west
  Yep, big red barn. It's got a new paint job, too. It looks like it's in good condition, actually. I don't see any cobwebs in the corners or birds' nests, so either it's been freshly-built or they really cleaned the place out recently. Even the hay in the stalls is untrampled.
  
  I can see a pile of hay here.
  
  > examine the hay
  The hay is dry and clean, which is pretty atypical for hay in a barn. I wonder if they haven't moved the animals in yet.
  
  > Go east
  I've stopped in front of a cottage, which is the only interesting thing for miles. Fields of corn barely taller than I am surround us and make for a really dull view. Civilization is back to the northwest, and the castle is east of here.
  
  There's a red barn off to the west.
  
  I can also see a hedgehog here.
  
  > Go east
  The gate's closed, which is a pity since we could probably steal a lot of nice stuff if we could get into the throne room or the king's bedroom. But the castle's on lockdown while the treasurer tries to figure out where the king's wandered off to, and I'm not going to attempt to peck my way through the giant wooden doors.
  
  > Go north
  Big Street, South End
  Big Street is the main street in the city. It's big enough for four wagons to pass side by side (hence the name), and it's actually cobbles instead of dirt like all the other roads. There are various shops selling clothes and other things we don't care about. This stretch of the road is pretty boring; the financial district is farther north.
  
  > Go north
  Big Street, Center
  Big Street is as big here as it is further to the south, although people have set up stalls in the middle, so it's more crowded. Mel's is to the east. We might be able to find something useful there. The financial district is farther north.
  
  > go east
  Mel's Magnificent Mystical Minutiae is the real deal. You can get all sorts of magical things here. Some of it is cheap junk that doesn't work, and that's what most people get; but if you want serious magic (and you've got serious money), Mel's is the place.
  
  We're here to ask Mel for a Midas potion specifically, which might save your bacon.
  
  Some of Mel's famous Exploding Cockroaches are on display here.
  
  A red balloon is here, probably as part of some promotion.
  
  Mel's at the counter.
  
  > look at Mel
  Mel notices me and gives me a boisterous greeting. "Hey, W.D.! How's my favorite raven doing? How's your boss? Need more color-changing powder? I have to warn you, I don't think this 'Cow of a Different Color' project is going to catch on."
  
  "Not good, Mel. The Perfectly Foolproof Illusion on the treasury wasn't."
  
  "Oh. Does that mean you are recently unemployed? Would you like a job? I've been meaning to branch out into delivery, but people are afraid of golems, so..."
  
  "No, no. The boss is still good, at least for a few hours. I may be back tomorrow, though. (No offense, boss.) We, er, figure the only thing that might save the chief's bacon is to, uh, turn the fake treasure into...er..."
  
  "Yes?"
  
  "...real treasure. Uh, you wouldn't happen to have a Midas potion just, you know, lying around?"
  
  Mel's normally placid face darkens, and he glowers at me. "W.D., you know that I like you and your master, but I do not typically keep potions which are primarily composed of irreplaceable components just 'lying around'. Besides, their manufacture is highly illegal, and I have an unfortunate allergy to prison."
  
  "I know, I know. It was a long shot. We just thought you might have something."
  
  Mel sighs. "I could possibly sell you some components, and then what you did with them would be up to you. But these ingredients are not cheap, and my favor to you would be selling them at all. You would have to come up with nearly enough money to repopulate the treasury on your own."
  
  "Oh. Well, I'm sure we can come up with something. I like shiny objects, after all. I can probably scrounge up some money."
  
  "All right. Good luck, W.D."
  
  ...Oh, shoot, I forgot what you asked me to do. Sorry, boss.
  
  > examine the cockroach
  They're amazingly realistic, except for the exploding part.
  
  > ask Mel about the cockroach
  "How are the Exploding Cockroaches working out for you?"
  
  "Excellently, thank you. I will never tire of watching little Billy Goatsmith try to steal them."
  
  > examine Mel
  You know Mel! He runs the magic shop. He finds you charming, because you're like a kid to him, what with him being an actual super-duper wizard and you being sort of a tinkerer who can do a few spells here and there. Don't think that frowny face at me! It's not an insult! It's a fact. Mel likes the tinkering, anyway. He buys more of your inventions than anybody. I think he's still got some of the Exploding Cockroaches on the tricks shelf. He likes it when kids try to shoplift them.
  
  Anyway, in case you've somehow forgotten, Mel always looks happy. He's got enough magic power to do whatever he wants, but what he wants is to quietly retire in this little shop. He dresses all in green, and I think he conjures up his clothes himself. He wears glasses that can see into your soul. (Or maybe he just thinks they look cool.) He's also the only person in town other than you who isn't too stupid to speak Raven.
  
  > examine the balloon
  It's a shiny red balloon on a string, filled with that special air that makes things float. It's really shiny. We should keep it and look at it for a while.
  
  > ask Mel about tapestry
  "I'm not quite sure I follow you, W.D."
  
  > tell Mel about the tapestry
  Frankly, boss, I don't think there's anything I can tell Mel that he doesn't already know. The man's a genius. We might have better luck asking questions, though.
  
  > ask Mel about the balloon
  "Can I have the balloon?"
  
  "Yes, W.D. It's just there for advertisement. I can conjure up another one."
  
  > get the cockroach
  As you well know, those little guys are extremely unstable. Also, Mel's Magic Shop is you-break-it-you-buy-it.
  
  > ask Mel about the hedgehog
  Mel shakes his head. "Sorry, I didn't catch that."
  
  > ask Mel about the queen
  "The queen died, what, five years ago? That was before we got here. What was she like?" you ask Mel.
  
  "She was very active. Always a new project. One year it was beets; the next it was tapestries. I believe the populace approved of her in a bemused sort of way. She never did anything too harmful, and she never stuck with anything for too long. She was our own little goddess of chaos. She and the king were very much in love, of course. He loved her more than anything. More than his own sanity, certainly."
  
  > ask Mel about king
  "Do you think the king will let the treasurer go ahead and off the boss?"
  
  "I think the our dear king is not so mad that he can ignore the theft of the entire treasury. I think your employer is correct that replacing the money is his last, best hope for survival."
  
  > ask Mel about the wand
  "Know anything about magic wands, Mel?"
  
  "Not much. They're really only used by less experienced or talented wizards. Most people outgrow them quickly. I think the usual way to activate one is by waving it."
  
  > go to the west
  Big Street, Center
  Big Street is as big here as it is further to the south, although people have set up stalls in the middle, so it's more crowded. Mel's is to the east. We might be able to find something useful there. The financial district is farther north.
  
  > go north
  Big Street, North End
  This is the heart of Moneyville, the financial district. There's a bank, the stock market, money changers - you want to spend and get money, you come here. This is a terrible part of town for getting food, but it's a great place for shiny, shiny gold. Everything here sparkles. Yeah...coins everywhere....Oh, sorry. I spaced out for a minute there.
  
  You can go west deeper into the city if you feel like being harassed by guards. The bank's east of here and the stock market's northeast.
  
  > go east
  The bank's already closed for the day. That's unfortunate; it's probably full of money.
  
  > Go northeast
  This is the floor of the stock market, and it's full of animals. There's hooting and honking and barking and mooing. I'm getting hungry just thinking about it.
  
  I can see a salesman here.
  
  > Examine salesman
  The salesman is wearing a fancy black suit. He seems faintly oily, but not in the delicious fried meats kind of way.
  
  > examine the animals
  There are more kinds of animals here than I can count. There must be, like, ten different kinds. They're currently alive, which is not the most delicious state for an animal, but I can dream.
  
  > ask the salesman about the animals
  "Awk!"
  
  "Howdy, little birdie! Would you like to hear about Surety Insurance? We have policies to cover every..."
  
  This guy is evangelizing insurance to a bird. I've already zoned out.
  
  > show the parchment to the salesman
  "Hmm, yes, this is one of our policies. If anything unfortunate should happen to the barn at 1 Farmland Farm, then the bearer will be entitled to...ah, let's see...eight thousand florins."
  
  > go southwest
  Big Street, North End
  This is the heart of Moneyville, the financial district. There's a bank, the stock market, money changers - you want to spend and get money, you come here. This is a terrible part of town for getting food, but it's a great place for shiny, shiny gold. Everything here sparkles. Yeah...coins everywhere....Oh, sorry. I spaced out for a minute there.
  
  You can go west deeper into the city if you feel like being harassed by guards. The bank's east of here and the stock market's northeast.
  
  > go west
  This is Mindo Street. I think Mindo was the chancellor a long time ago or something. There's fields or farms or something southwest of here, which is less likely to contain snacks but also less likely to smell like people. Big Street's back east.
  
  Sandie's Hot Meats stall is here. Sandie's at the counter.
  
  > examine Sandie
  Sandie is a short, round woman. To a first approximation, she's a sphere. To a second approximation, she's a sphere with hands. She's got a greasy apron on and she smells fantastic. I love her and her meaty ways. She only loves me when I have money.
  
  > get the meat
  Boss, that is an excellent idea, but Sandie has a mean backhand.
  
  > ask Sandie about the meat
  "Quork quork quork!"
  
  "I know what you want, W.D., but I'm not giving you any food unless you have some real money. Your tab is already ridiculous."
  
  > Go upward
  It's kind of boring here. I hear the king hasn't put anybody in the dungeon in over a year. Must make you feel special. It's drafty, being up in the tower, and the stones in the wall have chips and various--- do you really care? They're old. The door looks pretty sturdy. There's some light coming into the room from a window about, uh, twice your height up. Can we leave?
  
  I can see a tapestry, a bed, a mirror and an annoying git in a dress here.
  
  > look in the pockets
  In the robes is a magic wand.
  
  > Wave wand
  Poof! A glittering coin materializes in the air in front of me and drops to the floor.
  
  > Again
  I already have that.
  
  > Wave wand
  Nothing happens. I think Mel said something about having to destroy the last coin first. Conservation of energy, or something.
  
  > fly
  Whoooosh! That was fun, boss, but we should get back to saving your miserable hide.