text: [Themes: Cave crawl, Humor]
  
  > look around
  An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the north. There is also an exit to the south.
  A red automat, hundred of meters tall, stands in the middle of the cave. Despite the insane magnitude of the machine, its money-slot and buttons are normal-sized and placed at normal height. The merchandise-slot is also close to the floor, but huge enough to hold a horse. You have come across these automats before. Several companies have recently begun placing them in dangerous places, for adventurers who need equipment. They are easy to use; just buy something. Something is written on the automat next to the buttons.
  A stone altar stands up against a wall. It is low, shadowy, bloodstained and has runes written on it. Next to it is a huge pile of fish bones.
  
  On the altar you can see:
  A sluggish fish. Its eyes are white and have no pupils. It is crawling around.
  
  > open the bottle
  You open the bottle.
  
  > Inventory
  20 gold coins.
  A mail-ordered short metal staff with a clear orb on the end. Its manufacturers say the staff will remove any creature that comes in contact with the orb. Inside the orb you can see the goblin sidekick. He is now tiny and unmoving.
  A fat fish. Its eyes are white and have no pupils.
  A bottle of the dreaded Dante Tomato Sauce, Triple-Extra Spicy. Something is written on it. It is open.
  A Huxoflux & Son healing gun. You tested one of these four years ago, and they are excellent. Just shoot anything that is wounded or sick.
  A nosehairscrew, a small intricate mechanism with many arms, spikes and pinchers. Part of the Guggensmith Portable Torturing Set that you refused to test some months ago. You are supposed to stuff it up someone's nose, and then twist it to cause horrendous pain.
  "The Ultimate Creature Manual" by Arthur Hippoman. According to the back it contains information about every single monster in the world, and how to defend yourself against them. It is suspiciously thin.
  
  You are wearing:
  A pair of mirrorshades. You could see yourself in them if you weren't wearing them.
  On your finger is a Snuffelburg & Co. Type F Magical Ring. It is red and golden. It is supposed to protect you from any magical rays, by moving the effect of the ray away from you and onto the gremlin. That is, if the gremlin is still wearing the smaller, magically connected, ring.
  A pair of red boxer shorts, decorated with tiny teddy-bears dressed as sailors. They are not something you are supposed to test; they are your own.
  
  > pour the bottle on the fish
  (the pile of fish bones)
  Never mind the pile of fish bones.
  
  > pour the bottle on the sluggish fish
  You pour some tomato sauce on the sluggish fish.
  
  > Go north
  An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the south.
  Some runes are written on the wall.
  A hippoman, half man, half hippo, stands knitting something yellow. He is fat, purple and has two very thick legs. He is wearing your helmet. A young angry-looking woman stands holding a large placard saying "Save the braineating parasite worm!" She is clearly one of those monster rights activists that have been making your job so much harder lately. The gremlin has climbed quite high up on the wall. He is a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears. He is wearing a tiny ring and is smoking a tiny cigarette.
  A carrot with tiny wings flies around. Its arms and legs look like those of a human, only much smaller. It has no head or face. A steady shower of shimmering sparks falls from all over its body; each spark disappears before hitting the ground.
  A large metal chest stands up against a wall. It is open and empty.
  A large machine is at the back of the cave. Its mechanisms looks very complex. Actually it is very easy to use. You know this because on a previous product-testing mission you came across a machine just like it and spend four hours trying to figure out how it worked. The machine is for sharpening tools and weapons. Just put what you want sharpened into it and wait.
  
  You can see a big tacky holy grail here.
  
  > put it on the pedestal
  Taken.
  The knife is in the way.
  
  > Is
  A staff (with the goblin sidekick)
  A fat fish
  A bottle (open)
  A healing gun
  A nosehairscrew
  A manual
  
  You are wearing:
  Mirrorshades
  A ring
  Boxer shorts.
  
  > get the knife
  You pull the knife out of the pedestal. You notice the following things:
  1. A mysterious click.
  2. That the knife is very dull.
  3. A large gap in the cave wall next to you opening up.
  4. A metal arm with a round spinning saw-blade emerging from the gap. 5. The top of your head being cut off.
  6. The arm retreating.
  7. The gap closing.
  8. Lots of blood gushing out of your head.
  
  > shoot the gun at yourself
  You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits you. You don't feel anything. The bleeding doesn't stop!
  
  More blood erupts from your head.
  
  > go to the north
  An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the south.
  Some runes are written on the wall.
  A hippoman, half man, half hippo, stands knitting something yellow. He is fat, purple and has two very thick legs. He is wearing your helmet. A young angry-looking woman stands holding a large placard saying "Save the braineating parasite worm!" She is clearly one of those monster rights activists that have been making your job so much harder lately. The gremlin has climbed quite high up on the wall. He is a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears. He is wearing a tiny ring and is smoking a tiny cigarette.
  A carrot with tiny wings flies around. Its arms and legs look like those of a human, only much smaller. It has no head or face. A steady shower of shimmering sparks falls from all over its body; each spark disappears before hitting the ground.
  A large metal chest stands up against a wall. It is open and empty.
  A large machine is at the back of the cave. Its mechanisms looks very complex. Actually it is very easy to use. You know this because on a previous product-testing mission you came across a machine just like it and spend four hours trying to figure out how it worked. The machine is for sharpening tools and weapons. Just put what you want sharpened into it and wait.
  
  You can see a big tacky holy grail here.
  
  More blood erupts from your head.
  
  > shoot the gun at the gremlin
  You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the gremlin. Suddenly a good feeling fills your body. You notice the blood has stopped. You feel your head. It is whole again.
  
  > put the knife in the machine
  Just as you are about to put the knife into the machine, the hippoman approaches you angrily. He lifts his hand as if to hit you, but suddenly stops and yelps. He looks startled for a moment. Then he tries to tear off the helmet, but it is stuck. You put the knife in the machine. The knife slides in until it is completely out of view. The machine beeps.
  
  > hit the machine
  You see no reason to hit that.
  
  The machine hums.
  
  > wait
  Time passes.
  
  The machine whistles.
  
  > wait
  Time passes.
  
  The machine makes a sound like glass breaking.
  
  > wait
  Time passes.
  
  The machine makes a sound like a cabbage being hit with a sledgehammer.
  
  > wait
  Time passes.
  
  The machine lets out some steam.
  
  > wait
  Time passes.
  
  The machine vibrates.
  
  > wait
  Time passes.
  
  The machine shakes.
  
  > wait
  Time passes.
  
  The machine moves a couple of inches to the right.
  
  > wait
  Time passes.
  
  The machine moves a couple of inches to the left.
  
  > wait
  Time passes.
  
  The machine moves a couple of inches forwards.
  
  > wait
  Time passes.
  
  The machine moves a couple of inches backwards.
  
  > wait
  Time passes.
  
  The machine jumps.
  
  The gremlin snickers. He is staring at the machine with a mischievous look on his face.
  
  > get the grail
  As you are about to take it, the hippoman approaches you angrily. He lifts his hand as if to hit you, but suddenly stops and yelps. He looks startled for a moment. Then he tries to tear off the helmet, but it is stuck. You pick up the grail. Suddenly you feel a terrible pain in your hand, and you drop the grail. You hear somebody hissing, and look around. It is the gremlin. He is stabbing his cigarette into his own hand. He is clearly in pain. He removes the cigarette from his hand, and the pain in your hand disappears. He puts the cigarette back in his mouth and laughs at you.
  
  The machine beeps. Suddenly the gremlin jumps down from the wall and into the machine. There come some strange sounds from the machine before the gremlin crawls back out and climbs up the wall. The machine starts shaking like crazy, and suddenly the knife comes shooting out of it. The knife flies straight towards your head! You duck. The dagger hits the wall behind you. You notice it is still dull. Darn gremlin!
  
  > Drink bottle
  You eat some sauce. Your throat starts burning, you feel a desperate need for water, you feel hot, your stomach starts bubbling, you turn red, steam shoots out of your ears, your bowels burst and your head explodes.
  
  > Go south
  This cave has exits to the north, east, south and west.
  A stone pedestal as tall as you stands in a corner.
  
  There is a little blood here.
  
  A diamond the size of your chest lies in the middle of the cave. A tremendous light shines out from it and fills the entire cave.
  
  You can also see the severed top of your head here.
  
  > take the head
  You already have that.
  
  > Shoot gun at top
  You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun, hits the severed top of your head and disappears.
  
  > wear the top
  You are a little unsure exactly how you are going to put that in your head. Maybe you should try eating it.
  
  > Go east
  An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the west. There is another exit to the northeast. Someone has chiseled gaps into the cave wall, forming a primitive ladder leading up to a hole in the ceiling.
  A table made from human skulls stands near the northeast exit. On the table stands a shimmering pink translucent cube and a small, rusty, holy grail.
  A small round stage stands close to the table. It is apparently made from human faces frozen in terrible screams.
  A small flamingo-headed man sits behind the table in a comfortable-looking armchair covered in obviously fake giraffe fur. He is wearing a jester's suit, including a ridiculous hat with bells on. He is staring at the pink cube.
  An armadillo-headed woman in a white toga sits next to him on a barstool made from green shimmering flames. She is reading a small yellow book called "Fake Paradoxes in Solipsistic Thinking".
  A cat-headed man sits next to her on a throne draped in black leather, with numerous spikes sticking out of it. He is tall, fat and dressed in a black leather jacket, black jeans and black leather boots.
  
  There is a flickering image inside the cube. The flamingo-headed man giggles and says, "Some woman in Singapore just sat on a cactus."
  
  > Go northeast
  As you are about to go, the cat-headed man punches you in the stomach. "I'm not going to let you go there!" he says.
  "Why not?" you whimper.
  "Because I don't feel like it!"
  
  > give the bottle to the cat
  (the cat-headed man)
  "That's trash!"
  
  > give bottle to the comedy
  (the flamingo-headed man)
  "That's not funny! I don't want it!"
  
  > give the head to the comedy
  (the flamingo-headed man)
  You can't give away things that are stuck on your body.
  
  > give top to the comedy
  (the flamingo-headed man)
  "That's not funny! I don't want it!"
  
  There is a flickering image inside the cube. The flamingo-headed man giggles and says, "Some woman in Switzerland just feel down a canyon."
  
  > Is
  A staff (with the goblin sidekick)
  A fat fish
  A knife
  A bottle (open)
  A healing gun
  A nosehairscrew
  A manual
  A severed head top
  
  You are wearing:
  Mirrorshades
  A ring
  Boxer shorts.
  
  > torture yourself with the nosehairscrew
  To torture someone with a nosehairscrew, the nosehairscrew must first be in that someone's nose.
  
  There is a flickering image inside the cube. The flamingo-headed man giggles and says, "Some guy in Norway just fell into a barrel of fish."
  
  > Turn screw
  You put your hand on the nosehairscrew, but hesitate. The pain is going to be horrible. But then you remember what the Hoverist taught you. You twist the screw. The pain is indescribable so I won't try. You collapse.
  
  There is a flickering image inside the cube. The flamingo-headed man giggles and says, "Some guy in Singapore just fell down a hole."
  
  > go west
  You can't do anything. You are paralyzed with pain.
  
  The pain subsides. You get up.
  
  > go west
  This cave has exits to the north, east, south and west.
  A stone pedestal as tall as you stands in a corner.
  
  There is a little blood here.
  
  A diamond the size of your chest lies in the middle of the cave. A tremendous light shines out from it and fills the entire cave.
  
  > go to the north
  An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the south.
  Some runes are written on the wall.
  A hippoman, half man, half hippo, stands knitting something yellow. He is fat, purple and has two very thick legs. He is wearing your helmet. A young angry-looking woman stands holding a large placard saying "Save the braineating parasite worm!" She is clearly one of those monster rights activists that have been making your job so much harder lately. The gremlin has climbed quite high up on the wall. He is a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears. He is wearing a tiny ring and is smoking a tiny cigarette.
  A carrot with tiny wings flies around. Its arms and legs look like those of a human, only much smaller. It has no head or face. A steady shower of shimmering sparks falls from all over its body; each spark disappears before hitting the ground.
  A large metal chest stands up against a wall. It is open and empty.
  A large machine is at the back of the cave. Its mechanisms looks very complex. Actually it is very easy to use. You know this because on a previous product-testing mission you came across a machine just like it and spend four hours trying to figure out how it worked. The machine is for sharpening tools and weapons. Just put what you want sharpened into it and wait.
  
  There is a little blood here.
  
  You can see a big tacky holy grail here.
  
  > Turn screw
  You put your hand on the nosehairscrew, but hesitate. The pain is going to be horrible. But then you remember what the Hoverist taught you. You twist the screw. The pain is indescribable so I won't try. You collapse. The gremlin screams and falls down from the wall.
  
  > get gremlin
  You can't do anything. You are paralyzed with pain.
  
  The pain subsides. You get up. The gremlin curses and scuttles up the wall.
  
  > put the knife in the machine
  Just as you are about to put the knife into the machine, the hippoman approaches you angrily. He lifts his hand as if to hit you, but suddenly stops and yelps. He looks startled for a moment. Then he tries to tear off the helmet, but it is stuck. You put the knife in the machine. The knife slides in until it is completely out of view. The machine beeps.
  
  > wait awhile
  Time passes.
  
  The machine hums.
  Time passes.
  
  The machine whistles.
  Time passes.
  
  The machine makes a sound like glass breaking.
  Time passes.
  
  The machine makes a sound like a cabbage being hit with a sledgehammer.
  
  > Wait
  Time passes.
  
  The machine lets out some steam.
  Time passes.
  
  The machine vibrates.
  Time passes.
  
  The machine shakes.
  
  > Wait
  Time passes.
  
  The machine moves a couple of inches to the right.
  Time passes.
  
  The machine moves a couple of inches to the left.
  
  > Wait
  Time passes.
  
  The machine jumps.
  
  The gremlin snickers. He is staring at the machine with a mischievous look on his face.
  
  > Turn screw
  You put your hand on the nosehairscrew, but hesitate. The pain is going to be horrible. But then you remember what the Hoverist taught you. You twist the screw. The pain is indescribable so I won't try. You collapse. The gremlin screams and falls down from the wall.
  
  The machine beeps. The dagger slides out on the floor. It looks nice and sharp.
  
  > get the knife
  You can't do anything. You are paralyzed with pain.
  
  The pain subsides. You get up. The gremlin curses and scuttles up the wall.
  
  > throw the knife at the gremlin
  The gremlin quickly climbs out of the way of the knife which smashes into the wall, and falls to the ground. The gremlin giggles.
  
  > Stab hand
  (with the big tacky holy grail)
  That is not suitable as a hitting weapon.
  
  > stab Hand with the knife
  That seems a tad drastic. Try cutting off just the finger.
  
  > cut off the finger
  (with the big tacky holy grail)
  That is not a proper tool for cutting.
  
  > cut off the finger with the knife
  You begin to move the knife towards the finger with the ring on, then hesitate. The pain would just be too much, you think. Then you remember what the Hoverist taught you. You cut off the finger. Blood starts gushing out of the wound. You begin to feel weak.
  
  > shoot the gremlin with the gun
  You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the gremlin. The gremlin grins.
  
  The blood keeps pouring out of your finger. You are feeling really bad. You think you will die unless you do something right now.
  
  > shoot the gremlin with the gun
  You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the gremlin. The gremlin grins.
  
  The blood loss gets too big.
  
  > shoot yourself with the gun
  You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits you. Suddenly a good feeling fills your body. A new finger grows out where the old one was. The bleeding stops.
  
  > get the grail
  As you are about to take it, the hippoman approaches you angrily. He lifts his hand as if to hit you, but suddenly stops and yelps. He looks startled for a moment. Then he tries to tear off the helmet, but it is stuck. You pick up the grail.
  
  > look
  An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the south.
  Some runes are written on the wall.
  A hippoman, half man, half hippo, stands knitting something yellow. He is fat, purple and has two very thick legs. He is wearing your helmet. A young angry-looking woman stands holding a large placard saying "Save the braineating parasite worm!" She is clearly one of those monster rights activists that have been making your job so much harder lately. The gremlin has climbed quite high up on the wall. He is a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears. He is wearing a tiny ring and is smoking a tiny cigarette.
  A carrot with tiny wings flies around. Its arms and legs look like those of a human, only much smaller. It has no head or face. A steady shower of shimmering sparks falls from all over its body; each spark disappears before hitting the ground.
  A large metal chest stands up against a wall. It is open and empty.
  A large machine is at the back of the cave. Its mechanisms looks very complex. Actually it is very easy to use. You know this because on a previous product-testing mission you came across a machine just like it and spend four hours trying to figure out how it worked. The machine is for sharpening tools and weapons. Just put what you want sharpened into it and wait.
  
  There is quite a lot of blood here.
  
  A severed finger lies here. On it is a Snuffelburg & Co. Type F Magical Ring. The ring is red and golden. It was supposed to protect you from any magical rays, by moving the effect of the ray away from you and onto the gremlin.
  
  > go east
  An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the west. There is another exit to the northeast. Someone has chiseled gaps into the cave wall, forming a primitive ladder leading up to a hole in the ceiling.
  A table made from human skulls stands near the northeast exit. On the table stands a shimmering pink translucent cube and a small, rusty, holy grail.
  A small round stage stands close to the table. It is apparently made from human faces frozen in terrible screams.
  A small flamingo-headed man sits behind the table in a comfortable-looking armchair covered in obviously fake giraffe fur. He is wearing a jester's suit, including a ridiculous hat with bells on. He is staring at the pink cube.
  An armadillo-headed woman in a white toga sits next to him on a barstool made from green shimmering flames. She is reading a huge black book called "Quantum Physics in Infinitely Dimensional Realities".
  A cat-headed man sits next to her on a throne draped in black leather, with numerous spikes sticking out of it. He is tall, fat and dressed in a black leather jacket, black jeans and black leather boots.
  
  > get the grail
  (the big tacky holy grail)
  You already have that.
  
  > get the rusty grail
  You try to take the grail, but the flamingo-headed man notices it. He sticks his hands inside his chest and pulls out a huge fish, holding it around its tail. The fish is much larger than the man's chest, and almost larger than the man. The man slaps you in the face with the fish. Then, giggling, he puts it back in his chest. "It's my grail," he says.
  
  > give the tacky grail to the flamingo
  (the flamingo-headed man)
  "No thanks, I already have a grail."
  
  > put the tacky grail on the table
  Just as you are about to put it on the table, the skulls start screaming, and you quickly step back.
  
  > Go south
  This cave has exits to the north, east, south and west.
  A stone pedestal as tall as you stands in a corner.
  
  There is a little blood here.
  
  A diamond the size of your chest lies in the middle of the cave. A tremendous light shines out from it and fills the entire cave.
  
  An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the north. There is also an exit to the south.
  A red automat, hundred of meters tall, stands in the middle of the cave. Despite the insane magnitude of the machine, its money-slot and buttons are normal-sized and placed at normal height. The merchandise-slot is also close to the floor, but huge enough to hold a horse. You have come across these automats before. Several companies have recently begun placing them in dangerous places, for adventurers who need equipment. They are easy to use; just buy something. Something is written on the automat next to the buttons.
  A stone altar stands up against a wall. It is low, shadowy, bloodstained and has runes written on it. Next to it is a huge pile of fish bones.
  
  On the altar you can see:
  A sluggish fish. Its eyes are white and have no pupils. It is crawling around. It is covered in tomato sauce.
  
  > go south
  This cave has an exit leading outside to the south, or you can go further into the mountain to the north.
  A burly barbarian is leaning against a wall, playing with a yo-yo, a grim expression on his face. A long sabre is in his belt.
  A tough-looking dwarf, wearing chain mail and a helmet, is sitting on the floor. With one hand he is holding an axe almost as big as himself. In the other he is holding a wooden paddle with a small ball attached with a rubber string. He keeps hitting the ball with the paddle.
  A muscular white horse and a mangy donkey stand here.
  
  > sell the grail
  You have to specify whom you want to give to.
  
  > sell the grail to the barbarian
  (the barbarian)
  The barbarian smiles and says, "That is a good treasure." He attaches the grail to his belt. Then he gives you five gold coins. Then he jumps forwards, summersaults through the air, and lands on the back of his horse. It storms out to the south.