text: [Themes: fantasy, humor]
  
  Yeah, there was no way he was going to the village that day. He had so many important things to take care of, like how he couldn't open his eyes longer than three seconds. There was only one thing to fix that. He brought his legs back up into the bed and closed his eyes again. When he woke up again, he has soaked with sweat under the blankets, and a tray of food had been left near his door. Still not feeling like leaving his room, he took a piss out of his narrow window, congratulated himself on getting most of it outside, and sat down to eat his breakfast. After eating, writing a letter, and giving some orders to the servants, he went outside.
  
  His steed, a white creature of around ten hands, was saddled and awaiting him. Named Alphonse, he had been a gift from Queen Justinia, and bore a resemblance to a horse in the sense that it was an equine. Together, they went out to an empty pasture. The ground was damp yet, but there was enough grass that what mud was there was not enough to cause any problems. About two thirds of the way to the far end of the pasture was a weighted bag on a beam. The beam was set up for practice with a spear and if struck incorrectly, would swivel and send the bag to strike the assailant. Until the sun started to lower in the sky after the noon, Sir Osis trained without interruption. Then a rider came up to the pasture before stopping at the gate.
  
  "Good afternoon."
  
  "Good afternoon to, Sir Odin of the Liver?"
  
  "It is Sir Osis you are speaking to."
  
  "I've a message from Queen Justinia to all unoccupied knights in the general vicinity, my lord. There is thought to be a beast living in a nearby portion of Her Majesty's forest, and several people have gone missing within the past month—more than the usual I mean."
  
  "So I am to be on a rescue mission!" Sir Osis exclaimed.
  
  "No, sir. More of an extermination, if you will. Her Majesty wants who or whatever is responsible for these disappearances neutralized—killed, if you will."
  
  "Errrrr...I am not entirely certain that I am the correct man for this. Perhaps Sir Loin may be a better fit."
  
  "He's already searching in his area. It is necessary—imperative, one may say—that whatever this is be stopped. Her Majesty's orders, sir."
  
  Well there went any hope of staying home all day. All he could do was go out and hope that word reached him of the situation being resolved before he had spent his whole day out there. Within a half hour, he was in the forest fighting his way through brambles. He got to thinking; was there a reason whatever he was looking for would be voluntarily putting itself through this? Not really. Then he made the decision to go down and search along the river instead. Now that was a far more pleasant walk, and he could see much farther too. For some time, he rode along the riverbank, then he got to thinking again. This spot he could see up ahead looked like a spot he would like if he were some man-eating beast. Perhaps he should stop there and wait a while, he figured.
  
  So he did.
  
  As he sat by the river, something shiny caught his eye in the water. Perhaps it was some sort of treasure, he thought. To still be shiny like this, it could not have been here for long, unless it was gold perhaps. Naturally, he got on his knees and peered into the water. The outline of the object danced and warped with the motion of the water. Then his examination was cut off with the appearance of a brown object smoothly gliding through with the current. Thinking it was a beaver, he pulled back to see that something was very off about it. This beaver was swimming backwards? No, this beaver had a bill like a duck, or perhaps this duck had a body resembling a beaver. Determined to find out, Sir Osis prodded it with his sword in the hopes of getting it to turn over. It did not. It lunged out of the water and onto his face. Stunned, Sir Osis dropped his sword and rolled over on top of it. Then the beaver hit Sir Osis with his hindquarters, and Sir Osis felt an excruciating pain go through himself. All he could do was lie on his back and scream, while the beaver too one last glance at him before slipping back into the river to resume his journey.
  
  The sun was gone and the moon was high before Sir Osis was able to pull himself up again. Every move he made was difficult, and he cursed the beaver fay that had done this to him. However, he managed to gather some wood and build a fire to warm himself from lying on the cool ground for so long. As he sat there, shivering, he dwelt on his available options. He could turn back and go home, or he could continue on his journey. He was in need of medical attention and perhaps that of a priest, but those were things he might be able to find if he stopped in another nearby village. Whatever he decided would have to wait until morning, but it was good to have an idea of things now.
  
  > go to the Next Village
  If he remembered correctly, the next village was not too far from here. There was no point in turning back when he would likely only have to go out again, and he wasn't about to explain to the people he had to see every day that the reason he was like this was an overgrown muskrat.
  
  It took a while but Sir Osis managed to fall asleep, and when morning came, he found Alphonse and struggled for a while to get him back to the camp. Then he looked longingly at the river. If he just had some water, he would surely feel much better, but he was apprehensive about actually drinking anyway. The way things were going, he figured some pike heron hybrid might come and eat his ear as he stooped to collect the water in his hands to lap up. However, by the time he was about to leave, the fear of passing out in the forest a quarter mile from a water source was stronger than that of any cursed animal.
  
  Once he was refreshed, they set off. It was just a few hours before he was back to the highway. When he got there, he was not sure which direction he was supposed to go. The area was hilly, so he climbed atop a high one near the road and looked out. In the distance he could see buildings. So that was the direction he went. The trip there was uneventful, and when he got there, he realized it was a much smaller settlement than he had hoped. After some roundabouts with one of the five people in the village between the ages of ten and ninety, he determined that the larger village was just short distance—unless that was Jacob's aunt Milly's, because from the sounds of the directions that had to be repeated multiple times, it could have been Jacob's Aunt Milly's.
  
  It was not Jacob's aunt Milly's.
  
  It was Jacob's aunt Mary's.
  
  Mary was a very nice woman, however, and she took good care of Sir Osis. She took such good care that Sir Osis became very fond of her indeed. That combined with the Florence Nightingale Effect led to them marrying and him becoming step-father to her seven young children.
  
  Beautiful blonde and emergency back-up to take on the family name? That trip wasn't such a bad deal after all.