text: "Oh boo fucking hoo, your latest Opera hasn't been doing too well lately. At least people are paying to see the goddamn thing! As bad of a composer, and musician you are, you oughta be glad anyone's even paying to see the goddamn thing! People don't want to see anything with me in it! And at least you've got another job to fall back on LIKE BEING AN AGENT THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE GETTING ME A FUCKING JOB!" you snarl.
  
  There's some dead air briefly and then Erik begins talking again.
  
  "You're right. I shouldn't be complaining about my problems to you. You of course know all about torment. A war that wages within you, a beast that..."
  "Erik I've got no time and I'm in no mood to hear how we're supposed to be kindred spirits, you just better tell me you found something for me and it better not be another guest speaker spot at a comic convention!"
  "Well let's see...I dunno. Werewolves aren't popular anymore you know...there might be something...here it is! It's called Wolf Pack."
  "Pack? That implies more than one wolf on the set there Erik. Well I suppose I can share the spotlight with some others. As long as I'm in charge of course." You say.
  "Er...well according to this, you'd be the old cranky grandpa wolf that makes a bunch of rude remarks."
  "What?! What kind of stupid shit is that?"
  "Yeah that's the stuff." Erik replies not catching on.
  "I mean what the hell kind of movie is this?"
  "Its uh...let's see...oh here. It's a horror comedy about a werewolf family and how they
  adjust to human society. Looks like you'll be playing with a lot of young pups as you'd call them."
  "WHAT?! NO! What the fuck Erik? I'm a fucking monster not something to be fucking laughed at! And they already did a movie like that a long time ago and it sucked!"
  "Well that's all I got. Maybe you could talk to the director to make changes since they also wrote it. I'm sure you and her are familiar with each other. You had an affair with her for quite some time."
  "Uh, you wanna narrow that list down Erik?"
  "It's Mary. You know, the one who used to be married to Frankie, until your affair broke up both of your marriages?"
  
  Erik's new information didn't exactly make you any more enthusiastic to want to take the job.
  
  > insist that Erik give you something else
  No, no, no, no! The movie sounds like it sucks and you're not going to deal with Mary after all the shit you got yourself into last time with her.
  
  "Fuck that Erik, there's gotta be something else!"
  "Well there's a comic convention that needs another guest speaker..."
  
  You slam the phone down. You need to get out of the house. You decide to go for a walk in the forest.
  You wander around in the calmness of the forest and nature in general. Sometimes you wonder if you shouldn't just go back to living in the wild. Things were certainly simpler then. While you're thinking about the nostalgia of the old days, you see a very large hairy body lying prone in the distance.
  
  "What the fuck...how the hell..." you mumble to yourself while going over to investigate. When you arrive, its exactly who you thought it was, though you don't understand how you couldn't have heard him lumbering through the forest given how big he is, let alone seen him.
  
  "Hey Kong! You alive? Wake up!" you shout. Kong stirs a little and then sits up to yawn. He scratches his now silverback and looks over at you.
  "Wolf? What're you doing here?"
  "Me? I live just a few miles away! What're you doing here and how is it that I didn't see or hear you crashing through the forest?"
  "Oh I can be pretty silent when I want to be."
  "Okay, but what're you doing here?"
  "Back to nature my friend. Nancy kicked me out of the house. For good this time, she said she can't put up with my chauvinism any more. All I told her was to get her ass back in the kitchen and make me a banana split and serve it to me naked."
  "Sounds like a reasonable request, so what happened?"
  "She went into the kitchen, came back out with a frying pan of hot grease, threw the shit on me and kicked me in the balls, before shoving me out the door and calling me a fucking backward primate."
  
  You hold back some laughter, before speaking again.
  
  "Tough break there Kong, but I guess you could look on the bright side, you're back to your roots with no more cares anymore. Living free in the wild and all."
  "Are you on fucking crack Wolf? It sucks! You know when I lived on Skull Island I didn't know any better, but in the last few days I've come to realize living in a warm HOUSE and sleeping in a bed is way better than living in the cold wild and sleeping on the ground where bugs crawl all over you!"
  
  Kong's remarks certainly have made you reconsider your previous nostalgia of the old days.
  
  "Well, can't you just make up with Nancy? Surely if she's put up with you this long and if you apologized and did all that romantic crap she'd let you back in."
  "Don't think so Wolf, I never was good at that, besides she's got a restraining order on me too."
  "What else did you do to her?"
  "Nothing! She's just being a crazy bitch, that's unwilling to listen to reason. Well unwilling to listen to me anyway. Hey Wolf, you've always been a smooth talker with ladies. Maybe you could talk some sense into her for me."
  "Uh, I dunno Kong I don't really like getting into the middle of shit like this, don't you have someplace else to stay, hey what about your cousin Joe?"
  "I'm not staying with him! He's a fucking fag!"
  "Well, beggars can't be chooser Kong, besides he's your cousin it's not like you have worry about him trying any ass pirate shit on you. I'm sure he's got a nice house too."
  "Yeah, I guess...but I'd still prefer to go back to my own home, and I'm not sure if Joe would let me stay anyway. You gotta help me out Wolf, Nancy kicked me out with nothing, and I don't even have any money in the bank. I don't want to be living in the fucking wilderness again!"
  
  You normally aren't one to help someone for no reason, but there's the fact that you don't want him living that close to you, you don't relish the idea of him taking big healthy dumps in a forest you live near, so to avoid wearing a clothespin on your nose for the rest of your time living here, you decide to help Kong.
  
  > go talk to Nancy
  "Alright Kong I'll go talk to Nancy."
  "Cool. You always had a better way with words than I did, more diplomatic."
  "That's gotta be the first time I've ever heard someone call me diplomatic, but I'll see what I can do, I'm not guaranteeing anything though."
  
  Kong gives you the address and you head back to your cabin where you get on you Harley and drive off. You have no plan whatsoever. You're just going to fumble your way through and try to turn on the charm.
  
  Eventually you get to the house which is huge, but then it would have to be to accommodate a couple of giants. You can't even reach the doorbell, so you just kick the door and howl as loud as you can. A few minutes pass and you think you haven't been heard, but eventually a colossal bald man with a towel wrapped around his waist opens the door, its Glenn. Well this was certainly unexpected. He looks down with a perturbed stare.
  
  "Yeah, whadda you want?" he booms.
  "Is Nancy home?"
  "Whadda ya want with Nancy, hairball?"
  "I have to talk to her, its important."
  "Yeah, well I say it isn't, now get the fuck outta here!"
  "Look, I'm not looking for trouble, just let me talk to Nancy it won't take long."
  "It won't take long because you ain't gonna do it, now get the fuck outta here you fucking mutt!"
  "Do you even know who I am?" you say starting to lose your temper.
  "Yeah I do, and if you don't get the fuck outta here I'm gonna know who you WERE!"
  
  While you study his foot, and deciding which one of those big veins you're going rip into before running off to hide, Nancy comes to the door in a silk robe. She's kept herself in pretty good condition, either that, or the alien ray that hit her slowed down her aging process.
  
  "Glenn, what's going on...oh hello Wolf. What bring you here?"
  "Hello Nancy, I need to talk to you for a moment."
  "Nancy you want me to get rid of this hairball?"
  "No Glenn that's not necessary, be nice."
  "Yeah whatever, look I'm leaving, I'll be back later tonight so you be ready for another round of the amazing colossal dick! Har har har har!" Glenn at this point slaps Nancy hard on her ass, and walks out the door and down the street with just the towel around him!
  
  "Uh, isn't he forgetting something?"
  "Yes, but its not the first time. One time he left without even a towel."
  "Yikes, that must've been a sight."
  "(Sigh) Not really, he's isn't nearly as colossal as he thinks...but anyway come on in."
  
  You enter the house and follow Nancy into the kitchen who makes herself some coffee. You look up at the table trying to figure out the best way to climb up there; Nancy unexpectedly picks you up and puts on it.
  
  "Ohh your fur is so soft." She says brushing her finger against your back. "So what did you have to tell me?"
  
  "Its about Kong, he's taken residence in a forest not too far away from my cabin, he says you kicked him out and he wants to come back home."
  "You have my sympathies, for getting him as a neighbor, but I'm not taking him back. I've put up with his shit for too long. I was an idiot thinking I could change him. Sometimes I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me."
  
  Nancy's pleasant demeanor has changed. This is a delicate situation, say the wrong thing and you could be in real danger.
  
  > ask her about Glenn
  "So I see you've hooked up with Glenn, how's that working out?" you ask.
  "Oh its great..." she says. Her demeanor didn't change.
  "So is Glenn treating you any better?" you ask
  "Well...uh...yeah! Yes he is..."
  "That didn't sound very convincing Nancy."
  "Okay, so he's a dickhead too, but at least with him he goes home and I don't have to slave over him on a regular basis."
  "Oh no, you just get treated like a cum bucket whenever he wants some pussy."
  
  "Hey look, I'm just tellin' it like it is. From what I can tell he isn't exactly Mr. Right. Sheesh don't you know the guy's past? He's fucking crazy."
  "Yeah, but I can change him..."
  "This again? Look honey, your track record isn't good as far as that goes. Besides you can't change the insane."
  "(Sob!) I know! Why the hell do I keep doing this to myself! (Sob!)"
  
  Oh shit, you just got yourself into some drama you didn't want to; you try to change the subject back to Kong.
  
  "Look, obviously Kong can't be as bad as Colossal Asshole."
  "(Sniff) Oh no? He doesn't do shit around the house and this is MY house! MY money paid for everything in here! If it wasn't for me picking him up all those years ago he wouldn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out! Fuck him! I'm sick of him taking me for granted. I just jumped from one abusive marriage to another!"
  "Erm...Kong doesn't beat you does he? Because if that's the case then..."
  "Oh no, he's never done that. If that ever had happened, I would've kicked him out a long time ago."
  "Well, maybe I was wrong and you did change him a little then. I mean if you knew Kong back in the day, he had real temper problems. It seems like you did have some effect on him."
  "Maybe..."
  "Look how about I go back and talk to..."
  
  Suddenly the doorbell rings.
  
  "Hold on Wolf let me get that."
  
  While you wait for Nancy to come back, you think you're on the right track to convincing her to take back Kong. Then she arrives in the kitchen with some big ass roses and happily reading a card.
  
  "Where the hell did you get those things? Hey are those from Kong?" you say hopefully.
  "No."
  "They aren't from Glenn are they?" you ask a little more worried.
  "Pfft, yeah right."
  "So who are they from?"
  "Oh they're from Ymir, he probably had Joe specially grow them for me...he's so sweet and sensitive."
  "You're fucking Ymir too?!" you exclaim.
  "No, he just leaves me presents with cards on my doorstep. He's so shy, I wish he wasn't though, because I wouldn't mind seeing him. He writes the most romantic things..."
  
  Nancy begins to day dream about Ymir and now you're back at square one again. Still, you do wonder if she shouldn't be with Ymir. Nancy does seem like a nice girl and she probably deserves better than Kong, and certainly deserves better than Glenn.
  
  > be a good Samaritan
  Here's your good deed for...well you can't remember the last time you did one, but you're doing one now.
  
  "Nancy, you want me to find Ymir and talk to him?"
  "You'd do that? Why yes! But how are you going to find him?"
  "Please, I got an excellent sense of smell. I could find him if he was 20 miles from this house."
  "Well okay then, tell him I'm interested and he needn't be shy."
  
  Nancy puts you down on the floor and opens the door for you. You know where the hell he's at, Venusian isn't a common smell on this planet and you aren't going to have to go too far to find him. You walk around the corner of the house and see him hiding in the overgrown bushes looking into one of the windows. Big enough to hide him from Nancy, but not you since you can walk right in the things.
  
  "So Ymir, are you actually ever going to talk to Nancy, or are you going to stalk her forever?"
  "Argh! Wolf! I thought you were in the house! Um...did she get my roses?" Ymir asks surprised.
  "Yeah she got them and she likes them, so why don't you just talk to her already?"
  "I dunno, she's taller than me and..."
  "Don't mean shit! I went out with Mary and she was taller than me, and that wasn't even including that ridiculous beehive hairstyle she had! Look I know for a fact she likes you, she told me to tell you as much. Now I was originally here to hook her back up with Kong...so are you gonna let me do that? Or are you gonna fuckin' man up and go talk to the girl, because she's got that Colossal asshole coming by later too."
  "Well, I guess I'll try."
  "Dammit! Don't try! Do! There is no try! You gotta go in there with all the confidence that you say in your love poems or whatever the hell you've been writing to her. Obviously you've got the words, now just say the shit to her in person."
  
  Ymir puffs up with pride.
  
  "I'll do it!"
  "That's the spirit. Now go in there and get your woman."
  "Hey wait, you think I'll be big enough to um..."
  "What? To fuck her? Shit I dunno, just lick her pussy a lot, she'll be happy trust me."
  
  As you leave Ymir knocks on the door and Nancy opens it and gives him a big hug immediately. Looks like your work is done here. You drive back home.
  
  You get back and walk to where Kong is. He's sleeping again.
  
  "Hey Kong wake up!"
  "Hmm? Yeah, I'm up. So did you do it?"
  "Nope, sorry. Couldn't convince her."
  "Ah well it was a long shot. Guess we're neighbors."
  "Guess so, see ya."
  
  Kong rolls over back to sleep and you go back to your cabin. A few days pass and just as you thought, a new "aroma" invades the area. You're happy to take the damn comic convention job just to get away from the stink.
  
  Just goes to show what you've always known:
  
  "No good deed goes unpunished."