text: [Themes: Fantasy, rpg, male protagonist, humour, Comedy, humor, combat, silly, science fiction, parody, mutation, retro, cyborg, suggestive content, science fantasy]
  
  > Go down
  This chamber is half-collapsed, and seems far older than the TOMB above. The air is strange here, as if it has not been breathed for a very long time. The stink is not even the stink of death, only the passing of ages.
  
  GUN follows just a few steps behind you.
  
  > Up
  This TOMB is tiny and cold, and hath long ago been stripped of treasures by disrespectful, thrice-damned, impious, tomb-robbing adventurers who got here faster than you. An entrance leads down into the CRYPT.
  
  GUNWAR limps along at your side.
  
  > Leave
  This dismal GRAVEYARD sits on a hill cloaked in mist, overlooking the SLAVER KING'S seedy SEAPORT to the north. There are hundreds of gravestones, some cracked with centuries of age, some quite new. There is a single large TOMB that a brave soul might choose to ENTER.
  
  GUNWAR sticks close, keeping an eye out for danger.
  
  > Go east
  Cracked remnants of walls and a stretch of weed-grown cobblestones tell of an old temple or abbey ... perhaps even a village. Whatever it was, it now lies in ROCKY RUIN. Poking through the remnants, you notice a shadowy archway leading IN to one small structure that remains intact.
  
  You can see a TELEPHONE POLE here.
  
  GUN stays loyally at your side.
  
  GUNWAR tamps some fresh leaf into his pipe and lights it. "You know, me grandfather, he weren't from VANTH at all. He was from the Galaxy. GUNWAR were the name of the DWARF clan on the star he hailed from, and they named me that to honor the old man's old man."
  
  > Go north
  Forest surrounds this hill on all sides, but there are no trees at the top - only grass and a few sad flowers, bending toward the setting sun. You see farmland to the north, and the CASTLE of the SLAVER KING looming high above. To the west is the harbor TOWN, but there's no good path from here.
  
  An ELDERLY WOMAN stands at the crest of the hill, her dry white hair fluttering delicately in the evening breeze. She REGARDS you with eyes like fire, and you can feel unbidden thoughts crawling inside your head.
  
  GUNWAR totters along beside you.
  
  > use the OINTMENT on the woman
  The ROYAL PSI-WITCH accepts the OINTMENT with obvious interest, but after REGARDING it for only a moment, she looks disappointed and hands it back. "I wonder," she says, "if VESSA isn't very mistaken about your potential."
  
  > go to the north
  A humble WELL provides a centerpiece for this quiet place, surrounded by farmland providing food for the port town to the west. To the north, the shadow of the SLAVER KING'S CASTLE blots out part of the evening sky, but there's no path there from here.
  
  GUN limps along at your side.
  
  > Go west
  You tread carefully, here. This is the city of the SLAVER KING, and he may have spies anywhere! Fortunately, the crowd here at the docks is a varied, noisy mass of people and creatures from all corners of Vanth. The MARKETPLACE further north surrounds the CASTLE entrance. The DARK ALLEYWAY immediately south might offer shelter if the guards come running.
  
  A GROUP OF PIRATES stands around the gangplank of a mighty PIRATE SHIP, deciding who may or may not go IN.
  
  GUNWAR follows just a few steps behind you.
  
  > use SPICES on the woman
  The rabble of CITIZENS isn't worth troubling yourself with, barbarian. They will hail you one day as their savior, if you defeat the SLAVER KING.
  
  > use SPICES on the woman
  The ROYAL PSI-WITCH sighs in disappointment, shaking her head.
  
  "Bah," says the elderly PSI-WITCH, "thou art not ready at all. Begone, barbarian." You feel your mind invaded by scientific waves of THOUGHT ENERGY, and you feel your feet wandering, your eyes closing, your thoughts dissolving ...
  
  ... It is some time later when your senses clear.
  
  This is a peaceful forest of tall pines, with a well-worn road leading west, toward the SEASHORE, and east.
  
  There is a SOLID GOLD STATUE here, gently shaded by the PINE TREES along the side of the road. The entire area is draped in gauzy, oversized WEBS of sticky translucence.
  
  > Go south
  You tread carefully, here. This is the city of the SLAVER KING, and he may have spies anywhere! Fortunately, the crowd here at the docks is a varied, noisy mass of people and creatures from all corners of Vanth. The MARKETPLACE further north surrounds the CASTLE entrance. The DARK ALLEYWAY immediately south might offer shelter if the guards come running.
  
  GUNWAR is here, looking very happy to be adventuring again.
  
  A GROUP OF PIRATES stands around the gangplank of a mighty PIRATE SHIP, deciding who may or may not go IN.
  
  > go east
  A humble WELL provides a centerpiece for this quiet place, surrounded by farmland providing food for the port town to the west. To the north, the shadow of the SLAVER KING'S CASTLE blots out part of the evening sky, but there's no path there from here.
  
  GUNWAR limps along at your side.
  
  > go south
  Forest surrounds this hill on all sides, but there are no trees at the top - only grass and a few sad flowers, bending toward the setting sun. You see farmland to the north, and the CASTLE of the SLAVER KING looming high above. To the west is the harbor TOWN, but there's no good path from here.
  
  An ELDERLY WOMAN stands at the crest of the hill, her dry white hair fluttering delicately in the evening breeze. She REGARDS you with eyes like fire, and you can feel unbidden thoughts crawling inside your head.
  
  GUNWAR the PEG-LEG DWARF follows just a few steps behind you.
  
  > use SPICES on the woman
  The ROYAL PSI-WITCH sighs in disappointment, shaking her head.
  
  > use SPICES on the woman
  The ROYAL PSI-WITCH sighs in disappointment, shaking her head.
  
  "Bah," says the elderly PSI-WITCH, "thou art not ready at all. Begone, barbarian." You feel your mind invaded by scientific waves of THOUGHT ENERGY, and you feel your feet wandering, your eyes closing, your thoughts dissolving ...
  
  ... It is some time later when your senses clear.
  
  An elderly LIGHTHOUSE is here (you could go IN), warning ships against the dangers of the rocky coastline. This stretch includes some soft sand as well as rocks ... a small beach looking out on the SEA OF GREAT PERIL. Over some bluffs to the immediate south, you can hear the sounds of the SLAVER KING'S harbor town. To the east are some pines.
  
  > Go south
  This ancient bridge crosses a stream running down from the uplands to the east, and disappearing into a small CULVERT leading IN at the base of a cliff. This cliff, and the SLAVER KING'S CASTLE atop it, casts an icy shadow over the bridge. There is no path to the CASTLE from here, but the ROYAL ROAD lies to the north.
  
  GUNWAR arrives. "Sa-ho, friend! There you are! I might have known I'd find ye 'round the OLD STONE BRIDGE!"
  
  > go south
  A gentle breeze ripples the sparse grasses here, under a blood-red sun. There are many paths. You see mountains to the distant east. You feel a manly twitching in your thews, enlivened by the freedom of the open country.
  
  GUNWAR the PEG-LEG DWARF sticks close, keeping an eye out for danger.
  
  > go south
  The remains of FALLEN TREES are here, overgrown with ferns and surrounding a half-buried shack of once-fine metal, draped with canvas and pocked with rust. You are wise in the ways of these: they are the "space-ships" that brought men from dark places in the sky, ere they fell.
  
  You notice a hatchway hanging open; you could ENTER if you so desired. This remnant of a ROCKET seems abandoned.
  
  GUNWAR follows along.
  
  You regale GUNWAR with the tale of your adventure in the SEA-MONSTER'S GULLET. He nods politely, pretending to believe you.
  
  > go west
  Forest surrounds this hill on all sides, but there are no trees at the top - only grass and a few sad flowers, bending toward the setting sun. You see farmland to the north, and the CASTLE of the SLAVER KING looming high above. To the west is the harbor TOWN, but there's no good path from here.
  
  An ELDERLY WOMAN stands at the crest of the hill, her dry white hair fluttering delicately in the evening breeze. She REGARDS you with eyes like fire, and you can feel unbidden thoughts crawling inside your head.
  
  GUNWAR follows along, puffing on his pipe.
  
  > check your inventory
  You bear the following (both on your person and stashed in your trusty THESKIAN DUFFEL BAG): a JAR OF OINTMENT, a SUIT OF BURLAP ARMOR (currently un-used), a SUIT OF CHAINMAIL ARMOR (currently un-used), a SUIT OF KLENGON MAIL (currently un-used), an EAR OF CORN, a FLASHLIGHT, a SUIT OF IMPERVIUM PLATE-MAIL ARMOR (being worn), some SPICES, a DELICATELY-OILED CLOTH and a TWO-HANDED SWORD (held at the ready).
  
  > use the cloth on the woman
  The ROYAL PSI-WITCH sighs in disappointment, shaking her head.
  
  > use the cloth on the woman
  The ROYAL PSI-WITCH sighs in disappointment, shaking her head.
  
  "Bah," says the elderly PSI-WITCH, "thou art not ready at all. Begone, barbarian." You feel your mind invaded by scientific waves of THOUGHT ENERGY, and you feel your feet wandering, your eyes closing, your thoughts dissolving ...
  
  ... It is some time later when your senses clear.
  
  Places like this wretched ALLEYWAY make you yearn for the clean air and freedom of the open country. Buildings lean against one another, far above your head, and RATS scurry around the base of a large BARREL. To the north lay the bustling quayside. To the south, you could easily scramble over the city wall and up a brambly hill.
  
  Light shines from a half-open doorway nearby, you could go IN if you wanted. The air from the doorway smells of subtle perfumes and spices.
  
  ... ooh. Feeling woozy ...
  
  You stumble, and ... you don't remember falling, but the next thing you know, you're lying on your side in the DARK ALLEYWAY, with a few RATS sniffing experimentally at your face. Fortunately, they dissolve in a haze.
  
  Then there is only BLACKNESS.
  
  You don't know how long you were unconscious, but you know you're not in the DARK ALLEYWAY any longer. You're on a table made of metal ... cold ... There's someone moving nearby.
  
  The room is humming with machines. You've never trusted machines.
  
  You black out again.
  
  Perhaps a very long time later, you pry your eyes open again, feeling a bit better, but still in the strange room, still on the metal table. A friendly-looking, elderly man is smiling at you. "Welcome back, barbarian. I feared we might lose you, but the prismatically-sublimated trimethylchlorinate seemed to do the trick!"
  
  You black out again. But after a short time, you wake once more, and you can see now, exactly where you are ...
  
  This room resembles a cross between a mercenary's bunkhouse and some kind of mad WARLOCK's sanctum, but with more machines. Many more. There are few comforts, but this is plainly a home, as well as a workshop for magics beyond your ken.
  
  A kindly old PROFESSOR is here, working with the tools of SCIENCE and smiling.
  
  You can also see the SEVENTH HOARFROST DIAMOND here.
  
  > Regard professor
  You're so woozy you can barely operate your eyelids.
  
  The old man beams. "Aha! Looks like the patient is finally recovering. Welcome, young fellow. Don't worry, we're still in the SLAVER'S KINGDOM, in my home. In my laboratory. The HOBLINGS who watch over the ALLEYWAY, along with your friend GUNWAR, rescued you from the city's denizens."
  
  He pauses to turn some dials on a machine, and a series of chittery beeps and whines sounds out. "Hm. Oh! I've forgotten my manners completely, and they call YOU a barbarian. My name is PROFESSOR MEGARIAN. I'm a SCIENTIST. And you, dear boy, you have been through so much ... so very much ..."
  
  > Parley with PROFESSOR
  The attempt causes you so much pain, you nearly black out again.
  
  "Quite a cocktail of stimuli," the PROFESSOR mutters, half to himself. "Exposure to intense unmodulated phasic emanations, viral traces indicating dormant Fever Plague - have you been fighting PYREXIS HOUNDS? - and some parts of your bloodstream have been affected through your epidermis by - my stars! - the digestive fluids of a rare black-spine SEA MONSTER?" He wiggles a glassy tube in his hand, and watches the fluid inside change color "... and to top it all off, you've consumed the flesh of a GIANT SNOW-SERPENT. A quick-fix healer, to be sure, but with all sorts of microorganisms in the mix, not all of them native to VANTH ..."
  
  > look
  OW! Ow. ow.
  
  The PROFESSOR smiles. "Son, I don't think you're a 'pure' HUMAN anymore. No shame in that; purity is overrated, as I'm sure a young, healthy lad like you has learned by now." He wiggles the glass tube again and peers closely at the contents. "Ah, yes. THE DELICATE DOXY ... you've learned, all right. Tell her I said hello, the sweet dear."
  
  He smiles a fatherly smile. "At some point soon, you'll certainly begin to MUTATE. The full effect sometimes takes months, but the first symptoms can appear very quickly. Be ready. With luck," he says, "it won't be fatal. There's never really a way to be sure."