text: [Themes: fantasy, humor]
  
  Waiting until the knights are close, you step out from behind a tree and click on the stun gun. Huon is closer, so you jam the stun gun into his side; he stiffens and drops his torch and sword, making the arc of electricity shocking him the only light source as the torch self extinguishes. Sir Galeran holds up his shield and crouches like he expects to be hit head-on with a fireball while Huon collapses on the ground
  
  "Who dares enter my forest?" you yell, clicking on the flashlight to disorient Galeran.
  
  "We are knights of Camelot, we mean you no harm, mighty sorcerer," Sir Galeran says.
  
  "Then take your friend back to Camelot, before I decide to kill you both, Sir Galeran."
  
  "How... how did you know my name?"
  
  "I know many things, but you are trying my patience." You click on the stun gun again to make electricity arc between the two diodes; Galeran looks at the controlled thunderstorm you are holding, throws Huon over his shoulder, and runs as if under the impression that you could shoot lightning from your hands.
  
  When the knights disappear into the darkness of the woods, you sigh and sit on a fallen log. Strange days were an occupational hazard for you, but today was the worst by far; focusing on what you can do to improve the situation is the only distraction you have thought. You need to find a place to eat, sleep, and not be killed if more knights showed up.
  
  Fortunately, sweeping the flashlight in a quick circle reveals that there is a cottage in a clearing nearby. Approaching the quaint cobblestone cottage, you look up at the straw roof and single chimney that rises in the back of the otherwise circular building with a wooden door and a small round window on one side. There is even a well on the other end of the clearing. Hesitantly you step inside the open door, knowing you do not own the place.
  
  Inside there is one room with modest furnishings: a straw mattress curved along the wall opposite the window, a wooden table and chair are set beneath the window, and the fireplace is across from the door. Other than the furniture there are logs in the fireplace, sacks of flour and other common food staples, and a barrel with three swords and a small anvil inside. Everything looks as if someone is living in the cottage, but no one is there.
  
  Feeling the exhaustion from the long day you light the fireplace with a small lighter from your bag, sit on the bed, and wonder where the cottage's owner could be. Many other questions swirl around in your mind, making you tired. You drift to sleep before long; however, your slumber is not restful as your mind continues to try to analyze what has happened, leaving you with haunting nightmares about Dave hiring LARPers to kill you.
  
  Waking in a cold sweat, you sit up as someone pounds on the door. "Please open the door in the name of King Uther of Camelot!" a vaguely familiar voice calls.
  
  "Who is there?" you ask nervously.
  
  "I am Sir Galeran, a knight of Camelot, we have come here seeking the sorcerer residing in the Broceliande by order of the king."
  
  "What does the king want with me?" you say, jumping gout of bed and readying your stun gun.
  
  "It is him, we should flee while we can," a second voice you recognize as Huon's says.
  
  "The king's orders were clear, Huon," Galeran responds.
  
  "The last time you said that the sorcerer struck me with lightning!"
  
  "What did the king send you here for?" you interrupt.
  
  "Of course, we were sent to find you; King Uther recognizes your unique talents and wants your help!" Galeran says.
  
  "He wants my help?"
  
  "Yes, Camelot faces several plights. If you could help us with just one of them, we could surely reward you for your troubles."
  
  "What if I refuse?"
  
  There is a long pause before Galeran answers. "Should you turn your back on the king's request, he will assume you are a danger to Camelot. We would rather rely on you as an ally."
  
  "May I ask what plights Uther needed my help with?" you ask.
  
  "Camelot has grown under King Uther's rules, but the growth gave rise to famine and disease. If we do not have an exceptional harvest this year, people will starve; of course, letting the plague go unchecked will be just as devastating..."
  
  > tell you more about the plague
  "Tell me more about the plage," you say, opening the door to face the knights. Magically multiplying food does not seem like something you should promise them; you are no doctor, but you know medical knowledge is limited in this era.
  
  "Our population continues to grow, but as it does, more people get sick," Huon responds.
  
  "We can take you to the afflicted. King Uther wants to know if the sick can be cured with your magic," Galeran adds.
  
  Without delay, the pair of knights lead you through the woods towards Camelot. After walking for several minutes, the trees give way to a large field with a majestic stone castle standing at the center surrounded by two cobblestone walls and a small city. The outer wall surrounds the city, which is a collection of buildings that look like bigger versions of your cottage. Closer inspection reveals that the streets are teeming with people bustling about.
  
  When you arrive in town, the smell hits you like a semi-truck carrying a septic tank. It is like the streets are paved with shit and urine. Cobblestone buildings packed close together shade the dirt paths between them, which are damp despite the lack of rain.
  
  "What is that?" you ask, unable to stand the pungent odor.
  
  "That is God's House," Huon says, gesturing towards a large building at the end of the street. It takes you a minute to remember that God's House is what they called medieval hospitals. They are little more than a large room with cots and a chapel.
  
  "Oh, right, I meant the smell." Just as you finish talking, a woman opens the door of the building next to you and dumps a bucket of shit directly in front of you.
  
  "This is how it always smells in the town," Galeran says.
  
  "Tell me, what symptoms are people showing?" you ask.
  
  "Symptoms?"
  
  "How are they dying."
  
  "Oh, they usually get hot to the touch and start sweating. Sometimes they complain about stiffness, but they always get thirsty then ill."
  
  Huon cuts Galeran off and adds, "Once they start vomiting, there is little we can do for them; very few have lived."
  
  "I think you need a latrine," you say with a sigh.
  
  "A what?" Huon asks.
  
  "It's a... err... magical protection spell that protects an entire town from disease and foul odors."
  
  "Brilliant! Can you cast the spell now?"
  
  "No, I need the proper preparations!"
  
  "What would those entail?" Galeran asks skeptically.
  
  "Someone will need to dig a pit three meters deep and one meter wide, and there will be a... ritual that needs to be performed on it every day to make sure it works," you answer.
  
  "Is that all there is to it?" Huon asks excitedly.
  
  "Firstly, it will only work if everyone dumps their shit buckets into the pit as a sacrifice," you say, thinking of lies on the spot.
  
  "That is strange... but we can get everyone to do it if you spell works. Where do we need to dig this pit? What is the ritual?"
  
  > say "Dig the pit upstream of Camelot."
  "We can certainly do that! I know a perfect spot, but what is this magic ritual?" Huon asks.
  
  "It isn't a big deal," you respond. "My spell just needs you to do something every day for it to continue to work."
  
  "I don't like the sound of that," Galeran says.
  
  "Just something to ensure that the magical barrier traps the disease in the pit and doesn't release it into the town."
  
  "What sort of ritual must we do?"
  
  > cover the latrine with dirt and dig a new one every week
  "You must cover the latrine with dirt and dig a new one every week," you say.
  
  "That seems like a lot of work for such a useless task," Huon responds, scratching his chin.
  
  "Do you want the magic to work or not?"
  
  "Of course we do! I will make sure it happens."
  
  Huon and Galeran escort you back to the woods, then scamper back to Camelot to inform the king of your assessment of the plague. They mutter to each other as they walk away; all you can hear are the words "hole," "every week," and "magical protection." You can't be sure how they feel about your advice, but Huon seems excited about it. All that remains for you to do is go home and wait.
  
  Back at the cottage, you make yourself at home. Whoever owns the place still has yet to show up, so you figure you can claim it; there isn't much to do, though. You fetch water, start a fire, and try to figure out how people took a bath in medieval times. This last task is of particular importance since you smell like Camelot's streets.
  
  After that, you gather some of the supplies and attempt to make dinner. Fortunately, the cottage doesn't burn down; however, your efforts do not produce anything edible. Newfound appreciation for pre-made loaves of bread doesn't fill your stomach as a knock on your door causes you to jump.
  
  "Who is there?" you ask nervously, hoping the owner of the cottage wasn't back and angry.
  
  "It is I, Huon," the knight says, to your relief.
  
  You open the door and reply, "Huon, have you come to tell me that King Uther accepts my proposal?"
  
  "Yes! That is correct, of course, I wouldn't expect anything else from a sorcerer as powerful as you."
  
  "Great! I will make sure Camelot is protected from the plague once you dig the hole; this will continue for a long as you keep covering the holes and making new ones weekly."
  
  "Thank you, Merlin! I also have a gift for you from The King." Huon steps aside as two other knights carry in a cooked boar on a roasting spit.
  
  "Oh, how generous of him!" You eye the boar excitedly, confident you will not starve for at least a few days with that.
  
  "It is nothing compared to the help you have given us! We already have plans to dig the first hole, and The King's groundskeeper will be in charge of digging a new one each week."
  
  After that, Huon leaves in a hurry; he seems more excited about your three-field system than any sane person should be. You waste no time gorging yourself on the roasted meat. Once you have eaten your fill, you get ready for bed. Your final thoughts of the day are about how terrible you still smell, despite your best efforts to bathe.
  
  Day-old boar for breakfast isn't ideal, but it is all that you have. Eating is just something you have to do before you make the short walk through the woods to Camelot's new latrine. You're surprised to find that the hole is already dug and that women are already lined up to dump yesterdays crap into it.
  
  One of the maidens catches your eye as the most gorgeous among them. She is a blonde your age with blonde hair and timid blue eyes that dart around the woods like she expects to be attacked. You stare at her for long enough that she glances at you and makes eye contact before both of you blush and look away. Her petite figure and soft features, combined with her apparent nervousness, make her seem cute beyond measure.
  
  You sigh, ignore the bucket of shit in her hands, and wonder if there is a way to talk to her somewhere else. Without so much as her name, it seems unlikely; however, daydreaming of having dinner with her is your best experience in Camelot so far.
  
  > One year later
  Roughly a year passes, though you can't be sure of the time since your calendar app isn't working, and the plague no longer afflicts Camelot. King Uther showed up at your cottage to thank you in person over the winter; something you imagine does not happen often.
  
  Still, your reputation around Camelot is barely positive. Villagers started calling you Merlin the Magician, but they also started a rumor that you eat children. One farmer even claims that you ate his daughter, who went missing some time ago; of course, he won't formally accuse you of a crime since you are fueling the magical plague-barrier.
  
  You put a questionable loaf of bread on the table and take the chicken off the fire; your cooking skills have improved somewhat over the year. Sitting down to eat reminds you of how lonely you are; cannibal magicians are not popular around Camelot. Your only pastime over the last year was to see the cute blue-eyed blonde at the latrine.
  
  Eating your dried out attempt at bread makes you thirsty, so you head outside and draw water from the well. As you drink directly from the bucket in the well, you notice the faint smell of urine. A funny taste in your mouth confirms that it is from the well-water; unfortunately, you only notice that after you swallow the water.
  
  All of the water downstream of a latrine can be contaminated, and you asked them to dig the well upstream of the entire city. Your head spins as you stumble through the woods towards Camelot. Thirst makes your mouth feel it is filled with cotton balls; however, there is nothing safe to drink until a half-mile past the city.
  
  Yelling and cheering becomes audible in the night; you look ahead and notice that pitchforks and torches are heading down the trail towards you in the hands of the villagers. They seem to be an angry mob, and they are headed towards your cottage. Your instincts lead you to hide from them in the bushes as they pass.
  
  When a few collapse on the trail coughing, you think you know why they are mad. The plague is back, and if it is in the water supply, it is much worse now. Passing by Camelot allows you to see many more sick people; they are roaming the streets and collecting at God's House.
  
  Disgusted with the entire situation, you shuffle through the city and continue upriver. You hope to clear the latrine and make camp; resting where there is clean water is the only smart plan. After that, there is no plan. Perhaps you can survive in the woods, but to do so knowing all of Camelot died because of you seems unlikely; talking down an angry mob seems more so.
  
  All you can do is stumble through the Broceliande, getting lost in the morning mist, and hope that you survive.