text: The room's about as big as Serenity's dining area, and it's stacked full of boxes. The boxes make an aisle from the front of the room to the back, and on the back wall there're some heavy black curtains.
  
  "Wedding gifts?" asks Kaylee, her eyes lighting up real pretty. Thinks we don't notice how her glance goes to Simon.
  
  "Bride price," says Inara. "All this came from the groom. It's on display to show the public that the bride is being wed to someone of 'appropriate standing.'"
  
  "Come now, 'Nara, don't be prickly," says Mal. "Sounds like the bride's right sympathetic to your own line of work."
  
  > examine Inara
  She's not bad to look at, but I prefer more of an affordable model. And one that isn't so interested in serving men tea.
  
  "Fact is," Simon says, "the bridal settlement has a long tradition. It was meant to insure that if a woman's husband died or divorced her, she'd still have a little independence. I always thought it was nice."
  
  Kaylee is staring at him hard, so he adds on, "...though now I think about it, it's antiquated and disrespects a woman's ability to look after herself. Lots of differences about Earth-That-Was."
  
  > examine the curtain
  They're made of heavy black material. And closed.
  
  Inara ignores all the back and forth and goes to the curtain. "Might as well see the center of the collection. Jayne, I think this will open whole new worlds of art appreciation for you."
  
  She draws the curtain back, and I'm faced with the strangest painting I ever saw.
  
  > look at the painting
  It looks to be real old. Real old porn, that is. There's two ladies sitting naked in a bathtub, and one of them is reaching over and pinching the other one's nipple, all dainty like she's picking up a teacup.
  
  "...huh," Kaylee says. "That's not what I... huh."
  
  > ask the questions
  "What is this anyhow?"
  
  "It's from the late 16th century," Simon says. "French. It depicts the king's mistress -- see there, she's holding a ring that he gave her. Her sister is in the bath too, and the nipple pinch is to show that the mistress is pregnant."
  
  "Still seems like a strange thing to give someone when you're getting married," Kaylee comments.
  
  > Joke
  "What a shock, Simon likes the painting with the sister issues," I say. Actually that wasn't so much of a joke.
  
  Simon just gets clenchy in the jaw region.
  
  "A genuine oil painting from Earth-that-was, in this condition, of this age, is worth more than this house and every other thing in it," Inara says.
  
  "Job suits me," I say. "Be happy to store that in my bunk during the ride--"
  
  Mal steps on my toe, hard.
  
  "Ai ya!"
  
  "I reckon we've admired this here bride price just about enough," says Mal. "What do you think, Inara? Time to leave the viewing?"
  
  New Reykjavik is right up to the north part of this planet, as there's not much but water round the tropics. That being the case, it's freezing cold here half the ruttin' year, and from what you can hear told, mud the other half. This here is the freezing part. This street is all snow and ice, but the buildings ain't bad.
  
  Kaylee, Mal, and Simon are along, loaded down with bags of this and that -- clothes for the wedding ball, electronics parts for the heist, groceries.
  
  "If it isn't Simon!"
  
  There's some little bit of a woman shouting from the other side of the street. Simon doesn't even look up and we all figure it must be someone else she's shouting at. But no.
  
  "Simon Tam!"
  
  She pushes her way out of the crowd on her side of the street and runs towards us. She's one good-looking girl, too, if you like 'em bundled up in a lot of furs and capes and with twinkly crap all over their boots. Simon doesn't look too delighted to see her, but the next minute she's hugging him and he kind of pats her shoulder.
  
  "Everyone, this is Lucy," he says. "She was in my year at medical school; we were partners in neuroregeneration lab. Lucy, this is--"
  
  Mal frowns at him.
  
  "--this is everyone," says Simon.
  
  > ask the questions
  Can't rightly think of a thing to ask now.
  
  "I haven't seen you in so long!" Lucy's not hugging him any more, but she's still got his arm like she's fixing to take it home with her.
  
  "And I wasn't expecting to see anyone out here, either! I'm so far from home, it's ridiculous how lonely I get! And the weather! Snow 13 months of the year! Are you here for the Jonsdotter-Wilkes wedding? Please say yes. You're the only person on this planet that's going to know the same dances as me. Do you still tango?"
  
  Kaylee makes a little tiny noise I might not hear if she weren't right next to me.
  
  > Joke
  "Is tango a word for 'be pompous and get in the way'?" But no one is listening to me.
  
  "I-- don't know," Simon is saying. "That is, yes. Yes, I was invited. I'll be there. Sorry, it's just such a surprise to see you again, Luce."
  
  Lucy pouts. "If you followed the alumni newswaves, you'd've known I was living here now."
  
  "My mail has been very erotic lately," Simon says.
  
  > look at Simon
  He's almost got an expression on. Though I ain't sure I could put a name to it.
  
  "We'll have to catch up at the wedding," Lucy says. "I wish I could stay and trade stories now, but I'm already late--"
  
  "--there's a first." Simon's smiling for real now. Didn't know his face muscles stretched in that direction.
  
  "Don't be awful. I'll see you there. Save me one of your dippingest, most Argentine dances." She kisses his cheek and then she's gone again, and the air behind her smells like apples. Cold apples. The snow hasn't gone anywhere.
  
  > Cause the ruckus
  "Can we get back to the ship now before we meet any more of Simon's former friends?" But as usual they're not listening to me.
  
  "Care to explain what that was about?" Mal asks.
  
  "What, Lucy?" Simon is still grinning a little, though it's starting to fade. "She's an old friend of mine -- well, when I say friend, we kind of -- that is, we were never actually -- but I think she wanted -- if we hadn't been so busy we probably would have -- I mean I thought about --"
  
  Mal interrupts. "She gonna turn you in? What with the price on your head, and all. We didn't plan on people hereabout knowing your name."
  
  "Lucy? She wouldn't. Besides, it didn't seem like she knows about that."
  
  > Joke
  "Stands to reason she'd warn you if she was planning to turn you over to the feds."
  
  Mal gives me a very warning kind of look and I remember that might not be the best topic of conversation to be raising at this particular juncture.
  
  "That ain't our only concern," Mal says. "What I'm curious about is why you and 'Nara told me you had this job scoped out, you neglected to notice your old girlfriend on the guest list. And how you planned on playing your part in this escapade when she's going to be limpeted onto your side demanding another Argentine waltz every two minutes."
  
  "Tango," Simon mutters. "I promise you, Mal, we checked that list in triple. She must have been added late."
  
  > ask the questions
  "What's a tango?"
  
  No answer.
  
  "This is just dandy," Mal says. "Someone want to explain to me how the plan is going to work now? We need me and Zoe on the pickup, and Wash and Book got to stay with the ship, whilst now it appears that Simon has to attend this party but not be of any use."
  
  Simon's jaw is working and he keeps kicking at the snow with the toe of his boot.
  
  > Joke
  "Don't see how Simon being no use is any different from any other time he's been along."
  
  "Jayne," Mal says. "You're going to get yourself up in fancy clothes and you're going to go to this thing. Be better at the security part than Simon anyhow."
  
  I get my ten percent for shooting things, not for dressing up like an idiot and definitely not for covering for Simon. I open my mouth to say that, but--
  
  "You get Simon's cut, seeing as it turns out he has a social engagement for the evening of the job and won't be able to work."
  
  Simon looks pasty and angry now. "He'll need an escort. And
  table manners."
  
  > ask the questions
  "Simon can go alone, and Inara can come with me instead," I say. "Wouldn't object to some free companioning."
  
  "Inara is already on the list as Simon's guest," says Mal. "Arrangements don't allow for changing that."
  
  "I'll be Jayne's escort," says Kaylee. Guess she's pulled her head out of her bag now. "Did a good enough job at that ball on Persephone, didn't I? Still got the dress, even."
  
  "Kaylee, this won't be--" Mal says, while Simon says, louder: "With Jayne?"
  
  Kaylee comes closer to me and holds my arm tight. "It's supposed to look like this, right?"
  
  This is my bunk. Not that you could tell that, from the quantity of gos-se thrown here and there. Piled up in here is every
  garment we could find on the ship that looked like it might fit me and do well enough for the wedding banquet.
  
  > wear the pinstripe
  (first I'm gonna take the grey pair of pinstriped pants)
  I put on the grey pair of pinstriped pants one leg at a time.
  
  "Come out whenever you're done in there!" yells Zoe.
  
  "Yeah, I'm dying to admire your sartorial splendor," says Wash.
  
  > wear the gray shirt
  (first I'm gonna take the grey scratchy shirt)
  I shrug myself into the grey scratchy shirt.
  
  "Having a little trouble in there?" Simon shouts in. "Do you need help putting on your pants?"
  
  "Sure! Send in Inara!" I shout back.
  
  > wear the black jacket
  (the black twinkly coat)
  (first I'm gonna take the black twinkly coat)
  I dress, finishing a complete outfit of the black twinkly coat, the grey scratchy shirt, and the grey pair of pinstriped pants. Matching, but not too matching.
  
  > leave
  "How about this?" I ask, coming out of the room in a black twinkly coat, a grey scratchy shirt, and a grey pair of pinstriped pants.
  
  "My little boy, all grown up. We should take pictures," says Wash.
  
  "It doesn't exactly look tailor-made, but it should do," Simon concedes. "Now just don't say anything."
  
  "How are we getting the painting out?" I ask.
  
  "You're not," Mal says. "You're going to leave it there."
  
  > Cause the ruckus
  "I thought Inara was on this boat to make you look
  respectable, but seems to me she's making you be respectable.
  And respectable's not what I can take a cut of."
  
  Mal looks me in the eye. "You don't take anything out. There's too much security in the way. All you do is get back into the Display Room and tag the back of the painting with a micro-sized locator. That way you don't have to shut down the whole security system, just the one panel that senses if you take the painting off the wall. When you're done tagging, you turn security back on and everything looks right and shiny."
  
  Simon arrives from the passenger area. He's dressed real formally in black suit and a white shirt I'm sure wasn't on him when I went through his luggage that time him and River got taken by hill-folk. Guess he's been doing some shopping.
  
  He's also putting on some kind of lipstick.
  
  > wait for a while
  Might as well stay quiet and see what happens next.
  
  Mal goes on. "When the painting is moved for assessment and storage -- which is scheduled to happen in the small hours of the morning -- we'll be able to trace it. Doing the trace during the wedding means there's the least chance for them to find the tag and take it off again.
  
  "Simon and Inara scoped out this security team, worked out their habits. They'll be using several decoy transports for a cargo this valuable, but if we know which transport is the right one, we can lift the painting from there."
  
  Inara and Kaylee arrive at last, both dressed up and glossy. "Good, appears that the primping and fussin' is over," says Mal.
  
  "You both look very nice," says Book.
  
  "Ain't got all night," says Mal. And so we're off.
  
  "Bad news," Kaylee says, coming to my elbow and talking low. "I had to ditch the tool kit in the potted plant by the door."
  
  I've been this side of security for ten minutes already, and I'm already wishing we were at a different party.
  
  This room is where everyone goes after they come through security, which is before you get to the real party. The fancier the party the more rooms you need to go through to get to it, evidently. Personally I like the kind that's held outdoors.
  
  Kaylee is standing close by.
  
  > Joke
  "Sounds like there's another thing the good doctor could have warned us about, if he weren't busy romancing his old school friend."
  
  She frowns. "Don't be mean."
  
  "Why's he so interested in this job anyway?"
  
  "I don't know, I think he just wants to help the captain. And I think it's nice that he does." She adjusts her big skirt with one hand. "Fancy place like this, there's going to be something we can use to jimmy the security system and reset the wires," she says. "We'll just have to keep an eye open. But I didn't have a choice. Nearly got caught with the tools on me -- I only realized at the end they were running a full P-99 entry scan on the guests, and not just for weapons neither."
  
  "That don't seem hardly polite."
  
  "No! It's a full-body scan -- whoever's running security sees right through your clothes."
  
  "Everyone's?" Now that there's the kind of thing I ought to
  be doing for a living.
  
  A man in a purple jacket approaches. He's carrying a tray, and on the tray are a dozen or so full shotglasses. Stuck along the top of each one there's a metal stick with a cube of something on it.
  
  "Ooh, tasties," Kaylee says, taking one eagerly and handing another to me. The man bows and moves away.
  
  There's quite a pungent aroma rising from this thing.
  
  > eat the cube
  It's sort of chewy and resistant and vinegary. Like pickled radish only much nastier.
  
  Kaylee pops hers in her mouth. "When you get it in your mouth," she says, chewing awkwardly, "you can't smell it as much."
  
  > Drink shot
  *** Run-time problem P10: Since the shotglass is not allowed the property "proper utensil", it is against the rules to try to use it.
  
  Oh, that burns. All the way down. Can feel the lining of my stomach.
  
  This party is going to be good.
  
  Kaylee swallows. "I think that might have been fish. Once. In
  another lifetime." She tips her shotglass up and takes a long drink. Her eyes go wide again, but this time she's quieter about it.
  
  There's a few minutes of milling around with the shotglasses, and then some men in purple uniforms tell us to go in to dinner. We've all got assigned tables. Mine and Kaylee's has got a little old lady about half the height of River, and her little old man husband who can't hear.
  
  "Simon told us to copy the other people at our table for how to eat," Kaylee whispers to me. "But these two don't even have food."
  
  "Not sure the old guy even has any teeth any more," I agree.
  
  "I'll copy you, then," says Kaylee. That's helpful.
  
  You can tell this room's expensive, because it's got a glass roof in this climate, but it's warm inside. Warm like one of those hot planet beaches. There are trees scattered around the room and lights all twinkling all over them, and fountains, just to show off how much clean water this planet's got.
  
  The table in front of us is spread with a clothespin spoon, a laser knife, an teeny tiny fork, a metal straw, a mini-mace, a flat spade, and a plate.
  
  Old Man Guest and Old Lady Guest in a purple dress are sitting on their side of the table, smiling and nodding at us. They ain't eating a thing. Kaylee's trying not to have to say too much. It's a real sprightly party.
  
  The waiter serves some pea potato soup and a lavender sprig.
  
  "This is for the aroma," says the waiter, lifting the sprig with gloved-up fingers. He tucks the lavender sprig into the clothespin of the clothespin spoon, and goes away.
  
  > eat the soup with the spoon
  (first I'm gonna take the clothespin spoon)
  I take a spoonful of the soup. By itself it tastes sort of ordinary, but the smell of the lavender kind of perks it up. Kaylee takes a sip of hers with her lavender-spoon and grins at me. Should've guessed she'd like her soup with flowers on it.
  
  Once I've got the sense of what to do I eat nice and hearty. Or as hearty as I can. They believe in small bowls on this planet.
  
  "Good to see that our hosts are ministering to the needs of the deprived," remarks Old Man Guest. I think someone told me his name but I forgot it.
  
  "Oh, are they?" asks Kaylee. "That's nice of them."
  
  Old Lady Guest smiles.
  
  Seeing that I've finished with my previous course, the ever-hovering waiters bring me a crab.
  
  > eat the crab with the fork
  (first I'm gonna take the itty-bitty fork)
  I dig the teeny tiny fork into the crab and manage to pull out a strip of the meat, and then another. It's... actually very good. Kind of sweet. Doesn't take long to fork out all the meat inside.
  
  Seeing that I've finished with my previous course, the ever-hovering waiters bring me some carrot juice.
  
  > drink the juice with the straw
  (first I'm gonna take the metal straw)
  Maybe the straw interfered in some fashion but what I'm tasting here is carrots plus some kind of citrusy thing.
  
  Seeing that I've finished with my previous course, the ever-hovering waiters bring me a green glass dome.
  
  > hit the dome with the mace
  (first I'm gonna take the mini-mace)
  One good whack with the miniature mace and the dome cracks open and falls apart in a dozen or so curved shards. I could get used to the smashing-things method of eating. Suits me.
  
  > eat the fish with the shard
  (first I'm gonna take the shards of culinary glass)
  The fish tastes a tiny bit metallic, and then the flavor of the glass shard makes it all tangy and hot.
  
  The next thing out is a cube of meat, just one not-very-big cube, skewered on the end of a long wire thing that stands up from the table. It's like food on an antenna.
  
  > eat cube
  I lean in close and bite the meat right off its antenna. Now this wouldn't be half bad if there were about fifty more of these little cubes. As it is... you call that a dish? Wonder if I could get someone else's cube too.
  
  Seeing that I've finished with my previous course, the ever-hovering waiters bring me a cool white yogurt.
  
  > eat the yogurt
  (with my hands)
  Had a cat once that would dip its paw in a glass of water and then lick off the drops. Didn't seem sanitary.
  
  > eat the yogurt with the spoon
  I spoon up the yogurt in the clothespin spoon. It tastes like a confused combination of potato soup, cheese, and lettucey bits, plus flowers. Think I was supposed to do this some other way, but I don't much care.
  
  The waiter brings, last, a chocolate sphere. It's all round and glossy like a ball, until he pours some kind of hot sauce over it. Then it melts partly away right there on the plate. He also gives me a plain ordinary spoon like any old ordinary person might use. Don't see why we couldn't have gotten one of those sooner.
  
  Old Man Guest turns to his wife. "Odd that we were fobbed off with this table," he says too loudly. "I wonder who was in charge of the seating arrangements. And whether they were revised badly at the last minute."
  
  "I did think we were supposed to be at the Glitnirs' table," agrees his wife. "But then we wouldn't have met these charming people." She practically has to shout that last part for him to hear it.
  
  "I admire your good heart, my dear," he says.
  
  > get all
  flat spade: Got it.
  plate: Got it.
  ordinary spoon: Got it.
  chocolate sphere: Got it.
  dining antenna: I go to pick up the antenna, but one of the waiters leans over on my right. "Sir, the antenna is already adjusted to its ideal height."
  
  That's good to know.
  
  > eat chocolate with the ordinary spoon
  Gorram that's strong. There's chocolate, and some round red fruits I don't think I ever saw before, but mostly a lot of hot alcohol.
  
  There's a bunch of fooferaw after that: dinner's over but they've got speeches, and toasts, and some man with flowers on his hat gets up and tells some stories about a dog he had, who is like the bride somehow.
  
  Kaylee gets all happy and misty about that, so it must've been a good dog story. Don't much care about the things myself.
  
  After a good long time, though, we're allowed to leave the tables, and then it's all guests circulating and some of them dancing. Which is the time for me and Kaylee to make our move.
  
  We're headin' into the hallway toward the display room when Kaylee gestures for me to hold still.
  
  I hear Lucy say, "So tell me, Simon Tam: what did you do to get the Alliance chasing you and that price on your head?"
  
  This is a long, important-looking hallway. We were here before, during the public viewing of the bride price. The display room is just off to the east.
  
  Next to the doorway east, there's a security panel set into the wall.
  
  Lucy and Simon are a little way down the dim hall; Lucy has her back to us, but I think Simon knows we're here. Kaylee is beside me.
  
  > Joke
  Yeah, this whole situation is hi-larious.
  
  "I used to," Lucy says. "I carried you around in my heart for years."
  
  Simon says something under his breath, too low to hear over the music.
  
  "Not saying I was lonely for company," she replies. "But you were always... the one that didn't happen. There's a glow in that."
  
  "If I told you, you'd be in danger," says Simon. "Trust me, this is not something you want to be a part of."
  
  "That's the problem, Simon," she says. "My feelings aren't reliable, and that's all I've got going for you."
  
  > look at the panel
  This is obviously the access controlling the security in the Display Room. It's locked, but not very well. I should be able to jimmy it open, given something long and thin.
  
  I'm really having to struggle to hear Lucy now, but she's still talking: "Everything else -- logic, common sense -- say turn you in. Let your trial sort it out if you're innocent."
  
  "Oh, yes: trust the system rather than a person you know. That always works brilliantly."
  
  "I want to trust you," she says.
  
  Simon's looking down into her face very oddly. Fool boy looks like he's about to kiss her. On the mouth.
  
  > look at what you're carrying with you
  I've got on me :
  a dining antenna
  a plate
  some shards of culinary glass
  a black twinkly coat (being worn)
  a grey scratchy shirt (being worn)
  a grey pair of pinstriped pants (being worn)
  a grey pair of faded underpants (being worn)
  gold-plated utensils (flat spade, toy-sized fork, clothespin spoon, ordinary spoon, laser knife, mini-mace, and metal straw)
  
  Simon finishes bending down and kisses Lucy on the lips. Kaylee stands next to me, speechless. Her mouth is moving with things she wants to say, but nothing comes out.
  
  Then Lucy slumps to the ground. Simon glances up past her at us. He looks embarrassed.
  
  > Jimmy panel with antenna
  Might as well wait until the good doctor is out of the way.
  
  Kaylee turns to Simon. "This part of the job, we can do. You should be out there looking pretty."
  
  "Yes," Simon says. "Because society is proving such a comfortable place just now."
  
  "You could dance with Inara," I say. "Probably worth a hundred credits a dance."
  
  "More, I imagine." He looks at Kaylee like he's got something else to say to her.
  
  "Three of us back here are a lot harder to explain than two," she says. "Me and Jayne, we might've just snuck back here for a romantic moment. Seems to be popular."
  
  "Fine, I'm going." And he does -- after dragging his sleeping ex-girlfriend into a side room. Then me and Kaylee have the hallway to ourselves so we can do what we like.
  
  > Jimmy panel with antenna
  I bend the end of the antenna a little and then poke it into the lock hole. It resists a bit, but with a bit of work I'm able to pop the panel open.
  
  Inside there's a whole mess of wires.
  
  "We need to sever that wire." Kaylee points. It's too far up for her to reach easy, or she'd probably insist on doing it herself. But I can see what she means.
  
  "That's all?"
  
  "We'll have to reattach the ends again later so they don't notice the security is humped. But we'll come back to that when we're done."
  
  > recharge knife with the battery
  That first word, you get that from the Doctor? It don't mean anything I know.
  
  > Charge knife
  Again with the funny commands.
  
  > open the knife
  I unscrew the battery compartment at the end of the handle. There's a depleted battery inside.
  
  > put the juiced battery in the knife
  (first I'm gonna take the juiced battery)
  
  The battery's sewn in pretty good. I'd need something at least a little bit poky to unpick the stitches.
  
  > cut the stitches with the knife
  I slip the pointiest part of the laser knife into the stitches and pull them a bit loose. Then I give the battery a good hard tug and it comes free from the coat.
  
  > put the juiced battery in the knife
  Done.
  
  > close the knife
  I screw the battery compartment shut on the juiced battery.
  
  > cut wire with the laser
  Very very carefully, I slice through the right wire and cut away a little of the shielding.
  
  There's a faint thunk from within the wall.
  
  "That should do it," Kaylee says.
  
  > Dance
  Again with the funny commands.