text: [Themes: Children's, Literary, Humor, fairy tale]
  
  > Go downwards
  I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door is open, but a strong draught threatens to blow it shut at any moment. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
  The Big Bad Wolf is here, doing his best to look mean and dangerous. 'Little pigs! Little pigs!' calls the Big Bad Wolf as he disappears to the west. 'Come on out, there's nothing to be afraid of!'
  
  I'm in a dingy cellar with bare brick walls and the musty smell of a laundry room. There is an old upright washing machine in the corner and a fusebox on the wall. Steps lead up to the trapdoor in the ceiling. A battered old wardrobe stands against the western wall of the cellar.
  
  > get the dumbbells
  Normally I could just about lift those, but I'm so weak with hunger at the moment I doubt I could bench press a feather duster. When am I going to get my bloomin' breakfast?
  
  > eat the porridge
  Mmmmm! That porridge tasted JUST RIGHT! I feel thoroughly invigourated; in fact I could toss a few cabers myself if you know what I mean. Wait, that sounded really dodgy. Forget I said it.
  
  > get the dumbbells
  Fine, fine, no problem - I'll just balance them on top of my head. What did your last slave die of?
  
  > Up
  I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door is open, but a strong draught threatens to blow it shut at any moment. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
  
  > sit on the medium chair
  Wow - this chair is sooooo soft! I feel as though I'm sinking into a black hole! Oh my god, I am!
  Inside the medium-sized chair
  I seem to have sunk deep within the soft, enveloping folds of the medium-sized chair, the place where biscuit crumbs, loose change and other lost items normally accumulate. I can just see a small window of light, the only way out of this warm, stifling floral-print cocoon.
  
  I can see a pair of very thick spectacles here.
  
  > leave
  I can't move! Something I'm carrying keeps dragging me back into the chair! I don't know how Mama Bear puts up with this!!
  
  > drop the dumbells
  Dropped.
  
  > Wedge door with cheese
  Okay, I wedged the door open with the stale cheese.
  
  > Go west
  I am in the bears' tiny kitchen, a cosy little room that could have come straight from the pages of Country Living. It's big on original features and totally lacking in "mod cons." A large dining table sits in the centre of the room and there is a dresser against the wall. Opposite the dresser is an enormous brick fireplace that seems to fill half the room.
  The Big Bad Wolf is here, doing his best to look mean and dangerous.
  
  On the dining table are a large bowl (which is empty), a medium-sized bowl (which is empty) and a tiny little bowl of just-right porridge.
  
  > put the firewood in the fireplace
  I put the pile of firewood into the fireplace.
  
  > Light firewood
  I strike a match and set fire to the remains of Baby Bear's chair...
  
  Alright! There's a blazing fire in the hearth now. Who says I'm not domesticated? That's only one step away from cooking! And to think they kicked me out of the Girl Scouts!
  'Here, piggy piggy piggy!' says the wolf, wandering off to the north.
  
  > cook the pork
  I put the pork chops on the hearth. Wow, they defrosted quickly!
  The Big Bad Wolf prowls into the room from the north.
  
  > give the pork to Wolf
  (first taking the packet of medium rare pork chops)
  The wolf grabs the packet of pork chops and tears off the wrapper, then rolls on the floor gnawing at them like a dog with an old slipper. Moments later, when he has recovered his dignity, he rises to his feet and says
  'My dear girl, that was simply exquisite! I am indebted for you for that delectable dish! If there is anything I can do in return, simply name it, and it will be done! Huffing and puffing a speciality...'
  
  > Go east
  I'm in the entrance hall of the Three Bears' house. Hung around the walls are portraits of various members of the Bear clan, along with some highly disturbing hunting trophies. A narrow staircase leads up to the bears' bedroom. The front door has been wedged open. Just inside the front door is an open trapdoor.
  The Big Bad Wolf follows me.
  
  > go outside
  I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door has been wedged open. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest.
  A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch.
  The Big Bad Wolf follows me.
  'Ah, my natural habitat!' says the wolf, 'There really is nothing quite like the forest!'
  
  > Inventory
  I am carrying:
  an oil can
  a pair of very thick spectacles
  an old brass key
  a bearskin rug
  a pendant (providing light and being worn)
  a mousetrap (which is open)
  a dead mouse
  a matchbox
  a spoon
  a gigantic bowl
  a crumpled note
  a small packet (which is open but empty)
  a pair of gardening gloves
  a trowel
  some sticks of dynamite
  a ratty old paintbrush
  a pair of secateurs
  an overripe pumpkin
  a broken bottle
  a wristwatch (being worn)
  a "distressed" Laura Ashley dress (being worn)
  
  > Oil secateurs
  Okay, a dash of SUPERLUBE and these babies are as good as new!
  
  > Go east
  I'm in a clearing. There is a teeny tiny cottage here complete with a thatched roof and leaded windows. It's just like something out of a fairy tale, funnily enough, except for the large hand-painted sign
  
  > go to the north
  designed to deter trespassers. Just to the north is the front porch. A little path lined by rows of white-painted stones leads around the side of the house to the west.
  
  I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door has been wedged open. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest.
  A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch.
  
  > cut the cable
  (with the pair of secateurs)
  Okay, I use the secateurs to cut the cable connecting the electrodes to the power supply. Let's see Papa Bear try to fry me now!
  
  > turn on the b.
  Okay, Switch B is in the ON position.
  
  > get remote
  This could be the TV remote control that broke Goldilocks' back, you know! Taken.
  
  > Leave
  I'm standing on the porch of the Three Bears' cottage. It would be quite pretty in a rustic sort of way had someone not seen fit to paint it gold. The front door has been wedged open. Just south of me is the clearing in the forest.
  A battered old dustbin sits to one side of the porch.
  
  'Ding-Dong!' A bell rings somewhere.