text: > Go downwards
  You jump down the hole. You land in a pile of hay. You hear someone shouting, "Wheeeeeee!" and you look up. The goblin is falling right towards you. You quickly roll to the side, and the goblin lands in the hay. You two get up.
  
  This cave has an exit leading outside to the southwest. In the middle of the ceiling, high above you, is a round hole. On the floor, directly under the hole, is a pile of hay.
  A short lever with a handle sticks out from a wall. The handle has a thin, wide gap, large enough for the fingers of one hand to go through. A metallic pyramid, about half a meter high, sticks up from the cave floor. You once tested a hundred different teleporters, and you recognize the pyramid as one of the safest and least complicated models. To use it you just stand on it and shake the lever repeatedly. This particular teleporter seems badly designed though: the lever is far away from it, almost on the other side of the cave.
  
  Up from the lever sticks the new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger. It is shaking like crazy, but not enough to shake the lever.
  
  You can see the goblin sidekick and a cage here.
  
  The sword goes even crazier and starts thrashing like a headless chicken on drugs.
  
  The sword makes the lever shake. There comes a low humming sound from the teleporter.
  
  > go to the north
  This cave has an exit leading outside to the south, or you can go further into the mountain to the north.
  A burly barbarian is leaning against a wall, his arms crossed over his naked chest, a grim expression on his face. A long sabre is in his belt.
  A tough-looking dwarf, wearing chain mail and a helmet, is sitting on the floor. He is holding an axe almost as big as himself. He is smoking a pipe.
  A muscular white horse and a mangy donkey stand here.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > Go north
  An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the north. There is also an exit to the south.
  A red automat, hundred of meters tall, stands in the middle of the cave. Despite the insane magnitude of the machine, its money-slot and buttons are normal-sized and placed at normal height. The merchandise-slot is also close to the floor, but huge enough to hold a horse. You have come across these automats before. Several companies have recently begun placing them in dangerous places, for adventurers who need equipment. They are easy to use; just buy something. Something is written on the automat next to the buttons.
  A stone altar stands up against a wall. It is low, shadowy, bloodstained and has runes written on it. Next to it is a huge pile of fish bones.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > put the fish on the altar
  (the sluggish fish on the altar)
  You put the sluggish fish on the altar.
  
  > read the runes
  At the top of the altar is a long string of small crudely drawn runes. The first depicts a large man punching a small man. The second a large man pushing a small man. The third a large man giving a small man a wedgie. There are many more with similar motifs. You have seen runes like this before. They mean that this is an altar of Snurgelfjekk, the cat-headed god of bullies. At the center of the altar is a larger, more detailed rune. It depicts the altar and two people. One of the people is playing a saxophone. The other is putting something on the altar; you can't quite make out what it is supposed to be. Lines are coming out in all directions from the altar, perhaps representing light or heat.
  
  > Is
  A staff (with tentacles)
  A bottle (closed)
  A healing gun
  A nosehairscrew
  A Supreme crossbow (loaded)
  A manual
  A helmet
  
  You are wearing:
  Mirrorshades
  A ring
  Boxer shorts.
  
  > go to the north
  This cave has exits to the north, east, south and west.
  A stone pedestal as tall as you stands in a corner. A knife is planted in it, hilt up.
  
  A diamond the size of your chest lies in the middle of the cave. A tremendous light shines out from it and fills the entire cave.
  
  You can also see the gremlin here.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  When the gremlin sees you, he runs away to the north.
  
  > take the diamond
  This thing is really heavy. You just barely manage to pick it up. Your back creaks ominously.
  
  > Go south
  The diamond is so heavy; you can't bear to go anywhere whilst holding it.
  
  > get the knife
  You pull the knife out of the pedestal. You notice the following things:
  1. A mysterious click.
  2. That the knife is very dull.
  3. A large gap in the cave wall next to you opening up.
  4. A metal arm with a round spinning saw-blade emerging from the gap. 5. The top of your head being cut off.
  6. The arm retreating.
  7. The gap closing.
  8. Lots of blood gushing out of your head.
  
  > touch the diamond with the staff
  Nothing happens.
  
  > get the diamond
  "I am afraid that is too heavy for me."
  
  > check what you're carrying
  A mail-ordered short metal staff with a clear orb on the end. Its manufacturers say the staff will remove any creature that comes in contact with the orb. Inside the orb you can see a small unmoving cluster of turquoise tentacles.
  A bottle of the dreaded Dante Tomato Sauce, Triple-Extra Spicy. Something is written on it. It is closed.
  A Huxoflux & Son healing gun. You tested one of these four years ago, and they are excellent. Just shoot anything that is wounded or sick.
  A nosehairscrew, a small intricate mechanism with many arms, spikes and pinchers. Part of the Guggensmith Portable Torturing Set that you refused to test some months ago. You are supposed to stuff it up someone's nose, and then twist it to cause horrendous pain.
  A Remmingheim Supreme crossbow, loaded with an arrow. The Supreme model is supposed to have a special feature. When you shoot it, the arrow will magically return, and the crossbow will be loaded again. The hard, razor-sharp arrow is protruding a good ten centimeters from the front of the crossbow.
  "The Ultimate Creature Manual" by Arthur Hippoman. According to the back it contains information about every single monster in the world, and how to defend yourself against them. It is suspiciously thin.
  A Super Champion Helmet. It is round and made of thin metal. It was supposed to magically turn you into a hero.
  
  You are wearing:
  A pair of mirrorshades. You could see yourself in them if you weren't wearing them.
  On your finger is a Snuffelburg & Co. Type F Magical Ring. It is red and golden. It is supposed to protect you from any magical rays, by moving the effect of the ray away from you and onto the gremlin. That is, if the gremlin is still wearing the smaller, magically connected, ring.
  A pair of red boxer shorts, decorated with tiny teddy-bears dressed as sailors. They are not something you are supposed to test; they are your own.
  
  > go to the west
  An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the east. It is terribly hot here. The intolerable temperature is almost certainly caused by the red-hot stone oven standing in a corner.
  A stone table stands in the middle of the cave. Round it stands a stone throne with an old troll, a stone chair with a tall troll, a stone stool with a short troll, and a large stone. The trolls look a bit like humans made of stone, though with no necks, bigger jaws, smaller eyes and huge arms and hands. They are playing some kind of card game.
  A golem, a man crudely made from stone, is standing here unmoving. Some runes have been chiseled into his chest.
  
  You can see a stone saxophone here.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > read the runes
  "Don't know what is says. Maybe it's an advertisement for a music store."
  
  > Go east
  As you are about to leave, the golem suddenly comes to life. It easily yanks the saxophone from your arms and puts it on the cave floor. Then it goes back to standing still, exactly in the same position as before. One of the trolls says, "Ur, oh yeah, that golem was sat there to guard the saxophone. That sax is some kind of holy relic or something."
  
  > get the stone
  The large stone is too heavy for that.
  
  > talk to the golem
  (the golem)
  "Who made you?" you ask, but the golem does not respond.
  
  > talk to the tall troll
  "So what is this game called?" you ask.
  "Ur, troll poker."
  
  > talk to the old troll
  "Can I play?" you ask.
  "Ur, have you got any money?"
  "No."
  "Ur, then you can't play."
  
  > talk to the short troll
  "So are you guys really made of stone?" you ask.
  "Ur, dunno."
  
  > Smash golem
  (the golem)
  You smash your fist into the golem, then scream in pain. The trolls laugh.
  
  > touch golem with staff
  (the golem with the staff)
  Nothing happens. Guess golems aren't technically living.
  
  > Is
  A staff (with tentacles)
  A bottle (closed)
  A healing gun
  A nosehairscrew
  A Supreme crossbow (loaded)
  A manual
  A helmet
  
  You are wearing:
  Mirrorshades
  A ring
  Boxer shorts.
  
  > go east
  This cave has exits to the north, east, south and west.
  A stone pedestal as tall as you stands in a corner. A knife is planted in it, hilt up.
  
  A diamond the size of your chest lies in the middle of the cave. A tremendous light shines out from it and fills the entire cave.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > go north
  An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the south.
  Some runes are written on the wall.
  A genie floats about a meter above the ground. He looks like a man made of ice. He is bald, but has a beard of icicles. He has no legs; his stomach rises from a small cloud of icy steam. He holds an ice sabre.
  A hippoman, half man, half hippo, stands knitting something yellow. He is fat, purple and has two very thick legs.
  A young angry-looking woman stands holding a large placard saying "Save the monsters!" She is clearly one of those monster rights activists that have been making your job so much harder lately.
  The gremlin has climbed quite high up on the wall. He is a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears. He is wearing a tiny ring and is smoking a tiny cigarette.
  A large metal chest stands up against a wall. It is closed.
  A large machine is at the back of the cave. Its mechanisms looks very complex. Actually it is very easy to use. You know this because on a previous product-testing mission you came across a machine just like it and spend four hours trying to figure out how it worked. The machine is for sharpening tools and weapons. Just put what you want sharpened into it and wait.
  
  You can see a big tacky holy grail here.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  The woman notices you and smiles. "Hello there," she says.
  The genie nods at you.
  The hippoman says, "Welcome to my humble cave."
  "I know him," says the gremlin. "He had me trapped in a cage. He is one of them adventurers. He goes around killing monsters."
  "What?!" shouts the woman.
  "Yeah," says the gremlin "And he once said he thought genies were a bunch of overrated powerless second-class ghosts."
  "Did he now?" says the genie.
  The gremlin turns to the hippoman and says, "He also told me hippomen stink and that you were a tub of lard!"
  The hippoman snorts angrily. He, the woman and the genie approach you. The hippoman punches you in the stomach saying "You disgusting human!" The woman hits you in the head with her placard shouting, "Go away, you monster molester!" The genie lifts you up by the neck with one icy hand, and throws you down on the floor. The three go away from you muttering angrily. The gremlin giggles as you get up.
  
  > Torture gremlin
  What do you want to torture the gremlin with?
  
  > Nosehairscrew
  The gremlin is too high up.
  
  > get the grail
  As you are about to take it, the hippoman knocks you down. "So, trying to rob a poor defenseless hippoman are you?" he says.
  
  > talk to Hippoman
  You try to explain, "The gremlin was lying. I have never said anything bad about hippomen."
  The hippoman snorts angrily. "Why should I believe a hippohater like you?"
  
  > talk to the woman
  You ask, "Why are you trying to save the monsters anyway?"
  "Are you kidding? Don't you know that each year 40 species of monsters go extinct because of adventurers?"
  
  > talk to the genie
  "So you are a genie, eh?" you say. "I wish I had a nice big treasure." "Dream on, transient creature."
  
  > Open chest
  Just as you are about to open the chest, the genie rushes towards you swinging his sabre. You jump back. The genie says, "That is my chest!"
  
  > read the runes
  "Danger of falling rocks. Please don't make any loud noises, as people OR MONSTERS might get hurt. And you wouldn't want that now. WOULD YOU?"
  
  > Shout
  You shout as loud as you can.
  
  Rocks start falling from the ceiling. A couple of small ones hit you. "My head! My beautiful head!" the hippoman cries as a rock hits him. The goblin runs around in circles in an unsuccessful attempt to avoid the rocks. The genie looks pretty annoyed as a big rock bounces off his head. "Oh, won't somebody protect my beautiful head," the hippoman cries as another rock hits him. The woman holds the placard over her, and some rocks bounce off it. The gremlin dodges a rock by quickly crawling horizontally along the wall.
  
  The hippoman sighs. "If only there existed some sort of device that could prevent rocks from falling on my head all the time," he says.
  
  > give Helmet to Hippoman
  The hippoman takes the helmet and manages to squeeze it down on his big head. "Don't think this means I have forgiven you," he says.
  
  > get the grail
  As you are about to take it, the hippoman approaches you angrily. He lifts his hand as if to hit you, but suddenly stops and yelps. He looks startled for a moment. Then he tries to tear off the helmet, but it is stuck. You pick up the grail. Suddenly you feel a terrible pain in your hand, and you drop the grail. You hear somebody hissing, and look around. It is the gremlin. He is stabbing his cigarette into his own hand. He is clearly in pain. He removes the cigarette from his hand, and the pain in your hand disappears. He puts the cigarette back in his mouth and laughs at you.
  
  > remove Ring
  The ring is stuck on your finger.
  
  > Go south
  This cave has exits to the north, east, south and west.
  A stone pedestal as tall as you stands in a corner. A knife is planted in it, hilt up.
  
  A diamond the size of your chest lies in the middle of the cave. A tremendous light shines out from it and fills the entire cave.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > go to the west
  An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the east. It is terribly hot here. The intolerable temperature is almost certainly caused by the red-hot stone oven standing in a corner.
  A stone table stands in the middle of the cave. Round it stands a stone throne with an old troll, a stone chair with a tall troll, a stone stool with a short troll, and a large stone. The trolls look a bit like humans made of stone, though with no necks, bigger jaws, smaller eyes and huge arms and hands. They are playing some kind of card game.
  A golem, a man crudely made from stone, is standing here unmoving. Some runes have been chiseled into his chest.
  
  You can see a stone saxophone here.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > touch oven
  Never mind the stone oven.
  
  > go to the east
  An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the west. There is another exit to the northeast. Someone has chiseled gaps into the cave wall, forming a primitive ladder leading up to a hole in the ceiling.
  A table made from human skulls stands near the northeast exit. On the table stands a shimmering pink translucent cube and a small, rusty, holy grail.
  A small round stage stands close to the table. It is apparently made from human faces frozen in terrible screams.
  A small flamingo-headed man sits behind the table in a comfortable-looking armchair covered in obviously fake giraffe fur. He is wearing a jester's suit, including a ridiculous hat with bells on. He is staring at the pink cube.
  An armadillo-headed woman in a white toga sits next to him on a barstool made from green shimmering flames. She is reading a thick brown book called "Practical Tests of Existentialism".
  A cat-headed man sits next to her on a throne draped in black leather, with numerous spikes sticking out of it. He is tall, fat and dressed in a black leather jacket, black jeans and black leather boots.
  
  The goblin comes running after you.
  
  > talk to flamingo man
  "What is the weird stage for?" you ask.
  "It's mine. It's my altar. Where my followers stand when they worship me."
  
  > talk to the cat man
  "Who are you people?" you ask.
  The man answers in a deep voice, "The idiot in the jester suit is Pjyldoflopp, god of comedy. The chick with the book is Morgeldindo, goddess of wisdom. Me, I'm Snurgelfjekk, god of bullies. And you better worship me, or else!"
  
  > talk to the woman
  (the armadillo-headed woman)
  "Is it a good book?" you ask.
  The woman says, sounding bored: "A total waste of paper. I hope for the writer's sake that he's got brain rot, there's no other excuse for producing such drivel."
  
  > take the cube
  Your hand goes right through the cube as if the cube is made of air.
  
  There is a flickering image inside the cube. The flamingo-headed man giggles and says, "Some guy in Switzerland just fell into a barrel of fish."
  
  > take the grail
  You try to take the grail, but the flamingo-headed man notices it. He sticks his hands inside his chest and pulls out a huge fish, holding it around its tail. The fish is much larger than the man's chest, and almost larger than the man. The man slaps you in the face with the fish. Then, giggling, he puts it back in his chest. "It's my grail," he says.
  
  > read the book
  You try to read over the shoulder of the woman. There is a very complex sentence apparently describing a test you take to see if you are real or not. You don't understand it, but feel mildly disturbed.
  
  There is a flickering image inside the cube. The flamingo-headed man giggles and says, "Some woman in Singapore just sat on a cactus."
  
  > Go northeast
  As you are about to go, the cat-headed man sticks out a leg and trips you. You fall on your face. The cat-headed man laughs.
  
  > go upwards
  This cave has a hole in the floor. On the south wall is a small round metal hatch. It is closed.
  In the middle of the room stands a stone pedestal, on which is attached A HUGE IMPORTANT WARNING SIGN! On top of the pedestal stands a metal chest. It is closed.
  
  The goblin comes climbing up from the hole.
  
  > read the sign
  "Do not open the chest. If you do, an alarm will sound, and a guard will shoot you from the hatch with a crossbow."
  
  > Open chest
  You open the chest. There comes a terrible ringing sound. An alarm! There are five gold coins in the chest. You quickly grab them before running towards the ladder. You hear something behind you. With one foot on the ladder you turn your head. It's the hatch; it has opened, revealing a female goblin peeking through. She is holding the Royal crossbow. "If you were going to hide my stuff, you should at least have had the brains to close the garbage can," she says, before shooting you through the eye. You fall down the hole. You are dead before you hit the ground.