text: [Themes: Fantasy, magic, queerness, constrained protagonist, Comedy]
  
  > Go down
  It's much too flooded to go down there.
  
  > Go north
  Ser Leonhart follows you into a magnificent ballroom decorated for a wedding. At one end stands the altar, consisting of an arbour, a table and a statue of Cupido looking particularly anxious. A few dozen chairs are arranged for optimal viewing.
  
  > Smell Cupido
  You sniff around Hero 1's feet, and Ser Leonhart nods with solemn reverence.
  
  "Aye, I believe a prayer to the divine may help us in our quest." He sinks to his knees before the hero and says a quick prayer. Meanwhile, Hero 1 scrunches and unscrunches his nose in an attempt to scratch an itch without moving his arms.
  
  Once finished, Ser Leonhart rises and bids you to continue the search for the wizard.
  
  > examine the statue
  Hero 1 has taken the position of the statue of Cupido, having shattered the real statue into hundreds of pieces spread out across the floor. He painted himself white with what might be flour and milk, lending him a slightly sour odour. His guitar completes the look.
  
  > go south
  Ser Leonhart follows you to a cobblestoned courtyard enclosed by rose bushes with a fountain in the centre. To the south is the foyer. Stairs descend below the wall to the west.
  
  > examine the fountain
  The fountain is a large pool of water encased by stone. The statue in its centre depicts a cockatrice hen feeding her chicks in the manner of most birds, the act represented by the water pouring out of her mouth. At the hen's feet are the remains of a human, ravaged, with their ribs exposed through torn meat.
  
  > go south
  Ser Leonhart follows you to what remains of the foyer of the inner keep. To the west is a darkened hallway, to the east is a well-lit hallway and to the south are the open double doors to the bailey. Without a functioning staircase, only a lift remains to provide access to the balconies above.
  
  > go east
  Ser Leonhart follows you down a long hallway lined with portraits. Ahead to the east is the receiving room.
  
  > examine Tristain
  It's an empty frame.
  
  > Smell Tristain
  The portrait of Tristain is too far away.
  
  > examine Adelstain
  In the oldest painting, Adelstain poses amidst his inventions. Children in history class learn about the great puzzlemaster Adelstain, who held patents on everything from the basic crossword puzzle to the puzzle cube to the use of several alternate number systems including binary and hexadecimal. That is, until the patents were opened up to the public domain after a lengthy court battle several decades later (a riveting tale, for another day). He wears the finest clothes and has diamond rings on nearly every finger.
  
  > examine the Morgaine
  After it was discovered that gold could be ground into a fine powder, many women decided to show their wealth by lining their eyes and lips with the stuff. Morgaine was very rich indeed. Her collection of jewellery is extensive.
  
  > examine Rogaine
  Rogaine was completely bald. There might be other interesting things happening in the portrait, but you find yourself too distracted by how well the artist captured the shininess of the man's head, to the point where you can make out a reflection of the artist himself, hard at work.
  
  > examine Romaine
  Poor Romaine must have been disliked by his family. Was there not one kind soul to dissuade him from wearing an outfit so offensively green? The portrait itself is only half the size of its predecessors, as if paying the artist had become a consideration.
  
  > go east
  You pass through the open door into the next room without Ser Leonhart, the sight of the unnameable horror too much for him to bear. He panics for the briefest of moments before his feet assume responsibility for his mental well-being, taking him back the way he came.
  
  The receiving room is as you have left it, including the horror still sobbing by the fire.
  
  > Go west
  Ser Leonhart is busy recovering from his trauma when you arrive. He soon returns to your side.
  
  > go to the west
  Ser Leonhart follows you to what remains of the foyer of the inner keep. To the north is a courtyard, to the west is a darkened hallway and to the south are the open double doors to the bailey. Without a functioning staircase, only a lift remains to provide access to the balconies above.
  
  > Go west
  Ser Leonhart follows you into the darkness. There is quite a bit of bumping into things and people, eliciting the occasional squeal from the other pig, and after emerging back into the light of the foyer, you discover Hero 3 is now standing behind you.
  
  "Hmmm," he says, taking in the newly-damaged foyer. "The princess must be locked in the highest tower, and it seems I have missed my chance for the stairs." Glancing out the double doors, he spots the dragon in the distance and shouts with glee. "I shall tame the dragon and ride it up to the princess!" As he runs through the doors, he turns and pulls them shut behind him, as if to bar you from meddling.
  
  > go south
  You return to the dogtower to find that not only has Hero 3 managed to stay alive, but he has somehow climbed onto the dragon's back and is attempting to free the chain from around its neck.
  
  The dragon, not entirely pleased with the situation, is trying to scratch the hero off his back with a hind leg like a dog would an irritating flea. You can empathise.
  
  > go to the north
  You head across the bailey, arriving at the double doors of the inner keep. The dogtower stands behind you to the south, with the rest of the bailey to the southeast and southwest.
  
  > Go north
  You squeeze through the doggy door and return to what's left of the foyer. To the north is a courtyard, to the west a darkened hallway and to the east a well-lit hallway. Without a functioning staircase, only a lift remains to provide access to the balconies above.
  
  > Go west
  You head down the hallway and into the darkness. There is quite a bit of bumping into things and people, eliciting the occasional squeal from the other pig, and after emerging back into the light of the foyer, you discover Tuck is now standing behind you.
  
  > Smell doors
  You sniff the double doors. Tuck attempts to open them, but he simply is not strong enough.
  
  > go to the north
  Tuck follows you to a cobblestoned courtyard enclosed by rose bushes with a fountain in the centre. To the north is the ballroom. Stairs descend below the wall to the west.
  
  > go to the north
  Tuck follows you into a magnificent ballroom decorated for a wedding. At one end stands the altar, consisting of an arbour, a table and a statue of Cupido looking particularly anxious. A few dozen chairs are arranged for optimal viewing.
  
  > Smell Cupido
  You sniff around Hero 1's feet. Tuck bows reverently to the statue, a fist at his heart.