text: [Themes: Surreal, violence, male protagonist, based on opera, horror, music, based on songs, party, Don Juan]
  
  John was already on his phone by the time you glanced over your shoulder. He had forgotten the whole joke; he wouldn't have noticed if you just turned around and walked back. Which you really wanted to do, for some reason.
  
  It felt like a pretty stupid thing to be afraid of.
  
  You got up the nerve to walk past the last few headstones, but you kept your head down. You didn't even want to look at the feet. You just kept your eyes on the pedestal, on the exact spot where you finally set down the envelope, and then you turned around.
  
  John was still talking to his phone, oblivious. You could feel it, though, like a finger lightly scraping up the back of your neck.
  
  And then jabbing into your spine so you had to turn back around and look up at its face. And you thought (right away you told yourself the idea was ridiculous) that it nodded.
  
  [Author's Note: Your job is to make sure John's party is successful. It won't be, though. Written for the Apollo 18+20 tribute album project.]
  
  > About yourself
  A disaster simulator by Ryan Veeder (with apologies to Johns L & F) 
  
  The kitchen, with all its drawers, its cupboards, its sinks and ovens, constitutes Chucky's domain, and he guards it jealously. Usually you use it only as a conduit between the dining room (south) and the tunnel to the cellar (down the stairs).
  
  Of course, working in here is part of your job, so you and Chucky have a deal worked out. The deal is: You do not touch anything.
  
  Right now is an exception, apparently.
  
  "John wants you to take care of these," he squawks, thrusting a stack of cards toward you.
  
  > examine the cards
  As you lean in for a closer look, Chucky draws back, repulsed by your intrusion of his personal space.
  
  "Just take 'em, will ya?" he growls. He shoves the stack into your hands and then turns to his cooking.
  
  The papers are place cards, which are to be set out at the dinner table so everyone knows where to sit. The forms of the names are inconsistent: The men are "John," "Miles," "Ivan," and "Garry," but the women are "Miss Idie" and "Miss O."
  
  But that's not your problem. Your job is figuring out where to put these.
  
  > examine chucky
  Chucky's teeth look like a cemetery built on some old marshland, his glass eye is not the same color as his real eye, and he smells like a butchery, but he is a phenomenal cook. Supposedly he used to be a chef in the White House.
  
  You'd like to find out more about that, but Chucky isn't the kind of guy who likes to talk. To you.
  
  > About yourself
  You look extremely presentable in your "B" tuxedo: classy, but not too flashy; easy to ignore. Tuxedo B is the most appropriate for these intimate get-togethers with John's close friends. ("Intimate" is the word John uses for mixed groups; the parties to which only women are invited he calls "friendly," and they require a different tuxedo.)
  
  > check your inventory
  You are carrying:
  a stack of place cards
  
  > read the cards
  The papers are place cards, which are to be set out at the dinner table so everyone knows where to sit. The forms of the names are inconsistent: The men are "John," "Miles," "Ivan," and "Garry," but the women are "Miss Idie" and "Miss O."
  
  But that's not your problem. Your job is figuring out where to put these.
  
  > eat the cards
  That's plainly inedible.
  
  > look at the drawers
  If you just stand around looking, Chucky will start getting surly.
  
  > Go south
  The sun is going down outside the western window, and the huge table, set for six, is aflame in the orange glow. An old portrait hangs on one wall, watching the proceedings with creepy indifference.
  
  The kitchen is back north, the den is east from here, and a narrow door leads south to the foyer.
  
  Somebody jumps as you walk in. It's John's friend Garry, apparently startled by your entrance.
  
  > examine the portrait
  The frame on the north wall is too big to ignore, and the eyes of the portrait seem to follow you around.
  
  This is supposed to be John's ancestor, an Old World nobleman, also named John. John has offered numerous anecdotes about the subject of the painting, many of them outlandish and contradictory, and you would be inclined to believe that really has no idea who this man is, if the family resemblence weren't so unnervingly clear.
  
  > ask Garry about John
  You open your mouth to speak to Garry at just the moment that he apparently gathers the courage to talk to you.
  
  "Do you see that painting up there?" he rasps, indicating the portrait on the north wall. "Don't you think there's something messed up with that guy? He looks really judgmental, right? Like he's judging me. Or you."
  
  You take a moment to formulate a diplomatic answer, but other thoughts distract you. Why, Garry, are you standing in here, away from the rest of the party, if you hate that painting so much? What is going on in your life that makes you worried that a painting is judging
  you?
  
  Garry goes on without you. "I don't like him. I feel like he's looking at me. You know what? When we sit down for dinner, try and make sure I'm sitting somewhere where I don't have to look at him. One of these two seats," he says. He points with a shaking hand at the two chairs on the north side of the table.
  
  You nod.
  
  > look at the table
  At other parties this table has comfortably seated more, but currently there are six high-backed chairs and six table settings: Two each on the north and south sides, one on the west end, and one at the east. This last one, on account of its facing the west wall, has the sunset shining straight at it.
  
  > examine Garry
  Although lacking your boss's level of animal magnetism, Garry Horrible has charm and wit enough to make up for his unfortunate name. Most of the time.
  
  Tonight, he looks like a nervous wreck. There are dark circles under his eyes; his breathing is too loud. His is not a demeanour appropriate to a dinner party.
  
  > get portrait
  T? WHEN WE SiIt would be untoward to try rearranging the portrait while guests are over.