text: > Go downward
  You have come to a central gallery opening onto eight small rooms.
  You hear strange yells, mumbles, cackles, screams and mad ravings coming from the rooms.
  An old woman dressed in a zoo keeper's uniform looks up at you.
  
  > look at the woman
  She spits in the corner and says."You know, not many people come down this way any more. A lot fewer go back. These rooms hold about the nastiest bunch of characters you'd want to tangle with. Try 'em if you like. Ain't no skin off my nose." She then settles back in her chair to watch.
  
  > hit woman
  You attack that poor defenseless WOMAN again and I'm calling 9-1-1!
  
  > Go north
  A HUNGRY man (and woman) eating plant is creeping toward you.
  
  > examine the plant
  It stands over 9 feet tall. The main pod is covered with multi-colored warts, and has jaws big enough to walk into (if you were so inclined). Gnarled vines extend into the entire room and are slowly inching toward you.
  
  > go south
  The plant blocks your way.
  
  > cut the plant with KNIFE
  You want to CUT the PLANT with WHAT, pray tell?
  
  The plant seems to be getting angrier.
  
  > kill the plant
  You attack the plant with your bare hands, but it evades your attack. The plant seems to be getting angrier.
  
  > enter the plant
  You can't enter anything here.
  The plant suddenly attacks you!
  You try to defend yourself, but the plant kills you anyhow.
  
   $You$ have died! 
  
  Your score is 750 (out of 19900 possible). You have visited 73 locations (out of 117 in the game)
  
  > go to the north-east
  You are in a small side room. The exits all lead back to the main gallery.
  An insane barber is motioning to you to come sit in his chair.
  
  > examine the barber
  His red eyes are sunk into grayed sockets and his arms are crusted with the blood of previous customers. In his right hand he brandishes a gleaming, silver-handled straight razor. "You are next," he snarls.
  
  > give KNIFE to the barber
  You can't read the knife, so instead you just examine it. It is a large bread knife with a serrated blade.
  
  > go to the southwest
  The barber blocks your way.
  
  > kill the barber
  You attack the barber with your bare hands, but he evades your attack.
  
  > examine the razor
  His red eyes are sunk into grayed sockets and his arms are crusted with the blood of previous customers. In his right hand he brandishes a gleaming, silver-handled straight razor. "You are next," he snarls.
  
  > check what you're carrying
  You're carrying:
  battered bugle dim bulb (Providing light) long hotdog stage makeup sharp knife old lamp oaken bucket plaster pluto scuba suit fortune cookie
  There is a fortune ( in the broken pieces )
  valve trumpet You're wearing: solitaire ring
  
  > Kiss barber
  You pass out from the pressure of waiting for the inevitable attack. You come to in the main gallery as the zookeeper snorts. "Must be goin' soft in my old age. But watch out for the Avocado, I ain't goin' near it to grab you out!"
  
  You have come to a central gallery opening onto eight small rooms.
  You hear strange yells, mumbles, cackles, screams and mad ravings coming from the rooms.
  An old woman dressed in a zoo keeper's uniform looks up at you.
  
  > examine Avocado
  The zookeeper looks up and says, "Try a room - one's as bad as the next."
  
  You don't see any avocado here.
  
  > Go east
  You are in a small side room. The exits all lead back to the main gallery.
  A pirate captain confronts you, waving a cutlass.
  
  > look at the captain
  He is wears a long violet coat over a lacey shirt and black knee britches and sports an enormously oversized hat with a pink ostrich plume. In his right hand he waves a sinister cutlass and he has a HOOK in place of a left hand.
  
  > examine the hook
  He is wears a long violet coat over a lacey shirt and black knee britches and sports an enormously oversized hat with a pink ostrich plume. In his right hand he waves a sinister cutlass and he has a HOOK in place of a left hand.
  
  > give ring to the pirate
  The PIRATE gives a quick glance at the RING, then tosses it back.
  
  > take the ring
  You pick up the solitaire ring.
  
  > Go west
  The captain blocks your way.
  
  > kill the pirate
  You pass out from the pressure of waiting for the inevitable attack. You come to in the main gallery as the zookeeper snorts. "Must be goin' soft in my old age. But watch out for the Avocado, I ain't goin' near it to grab you out!"
  
  You have come to a central gallery opening onto eight small rooms.
  You hear strange yells, mumbles, cackles, screams and mad ravings coming from the rooms.
  An old woman dressed in a zoo keeper's uniform looks up at you.
  
  > Go southeast
  You are in a small side room. The exits all lead back to the main gallery.
  A witch turns from her cauldron and raises her gnarled hands ominously.
  
  > look at the witch
  Probably just the kind of old crone who would go around turning people into frogs (or toads). She looks you over approvingly and starts gesturing and muttering an incantation. You feel your eyes starting to bulge
  
  > look at cauldron
  Probably just the kind of old crone who would go around turning people into frogs (or toads). She looks you over approvingly and starts gesturing and muttering an incantation. You feel your eyes starting to bulge
  
  > play the BUGLE
  You wet your lips, throw back your head and blow for all you're worth. A shower of cockroaches and spider webs flies out the bell along with a stream of notes that would make Sousa gasp.
  
  > give the BUGLE to the witch
  The WITCH gives a quick glance at the BUGLE, then tosses it back.
  
  > take BUGLE
  You already have the bugle.
  
  > Inventory
  You're carrying:
  battered bugle dim bulb (Providing light) long hotdog stage makeup sharp knife old lamp oaken bucket plaster pluto solitaire ring scuba suit fortune cookie
  There is a fortune ( in the broken pieces )
  valve trumpet
  
  > kill the witch
  You attack the witch with your bare hands, but she evades your attack.
  
  > Kiss witch
  You pass out from the pressure of waiting for the inevitable attack. You come to in the main gallery as the zookeeper snorts. "Must be goin' soft in my old age. But watch out for the Avocado, I ain't goin' near it to grab you out!"
  
  You have come to a central gallery opening onto eight small rooms.
  You hear strange yells, mumbles, cackles, screams and mad ravings coming from the rooms.
  An old woman dressed in a zoo keeper's uniform looks up at you.
  
  > Go south
  You are in a small side room. The exits all lead back to the main gallery.
  The theater janitor was looking around the room. Hearing you, he looks up.
  
  > Examine janitor
  He was looking for something, but has now turned his attention to you. He appears to have guessed that you know more about him than he cares to have made public. Chomping on his cigar, he rolls up his sleeves and heads toward you.
  
  > kill the janitor
  You attack the janitor with your bare hands, but he evades your attack.
  
  > give the ring to the janitor
  You can't read the ring, so instead you just examine it. A simple yet tasteful setting - a single, faceted stone in a 4 prong base.
  
  > go north
  The janitor blocks your way.
  
  > wait for a while
  You pass out from the pressure of waiting for the inevitable attack. You come to in the main gallery as the zookeeper snorts. "Must be goin' soft in my old age. But watch out for the Avocado, I ain't goin' near it to grab you out!"
  
  You have come to a central gallery opening onto eight small rooms.
  You hear strange yells, mumbles, cackles, screams and mad ravings coming from the rooms.
  An old woman dressed in a zoo keeper's uniform looks up at you.
  
  > Go southwest
  You are in a small side room. The exits all lead back to the main gallery.
  You come face to face with the drama critic who panned your last
  three shows.
  
  > examine the critic
  This is the guy you always suspected was out to get you. Now you are sure of it. He grins maniacally and comes at you with poison pen raised.
  
  > play the BUGLE
  You wet your lips, throw back your head and blow for all you're worth. A shower of cockroaches and spider webs flies out the bell along with a stream of notes that would make Sousa gasp.
  
  > kick the bucket
  What a quaint sense of humor. For a second there, I was half tempted to honor your request. However, I am amused by your antics and wish to see more of them. I shall let you go with only a bruised toe.
  
  > kill the critic
  You attack the critic with your bare hands, but he evades your attack.
  
  > throw KNIFE
  You throw the knife.
  
  > take KNIFE
  You pick up the sharp knife.
  
  > throw KNIFE at the critic
  You pass out from the pressure of waiting for the inevitable attack. You come to in the main gallery as the zookeeper snorts. "Must be goin' soft in my old age. But watch out for the Avocado, I ain't goin' near it to grab you out!"
  
  You have come to a central gallery opening onto eight small rooms.
  You hear strange yells, mumbles, cackles, screams and mad ravings coming from the rooms.
  An old woman dressed in a zoo keeper's uniform looks up at you.
  
  > examine KNIFE
  "If you'd get rid of a few of these characters, it'd make my job a lot easier."
  
  It is a large bread knife with a serrated blade.
  
  > Go west
  You are in a small side room. The exits all lead back to the main gallery.
  This guy looks just like your agent (The one you haven't seen
  lately).
  
  > look at the agent
  Now you know this must be some kind of weird nightmare. Your own agent is after you. He is rolling up a stack of your head shots and publicity releases and seems intent on using them as a club.
  
  > go to the east
  The agent blocks your way.
  
  > Hit agent
  You attack the agent with your bare hands, but he evades your attack.
  
  > hit the agent with KNIFE
  You strike at the agent with the knife, but your weapon bounces off of him harmlessly
  
  > hit the agent with the trumpet
  You strike at the agent with the trumpet, but your weapon bounces off of him harmlessly
  
  > check your inventory
  You're carrying:
  battered bugle dim bulb (Providing light) long hotdog stage makeup
  old lamp oaken bucket plaster pluto solitaire ring scuba suit fortune cookie
  There is a fortune ( in the broken pieces )
  
  > hit the agent with PLUTO
  You strike at the agent with the pluto, but your weapon bounces off of him harmlessly
  
  > wait for a while
  You pass out from the pressure of waiting for the inevitable attack. You come to in the main gallery as the zookeeper snorts. "Must be goin' soft in my old age. But watch out for the Avocado, I ain't goin' near it to grab you out!"
  
  You have come to a central gallery opening onto eight small rooms.
  You hear strange yells, mumbles, cackles, screams and mad ravings coming from the rooms.
  An old woman dressed in a zoo keeper's uniform looks up at you.
  
  > go to the northwest
  You are in a small side room. The exits all lead back to the main gallery.
  Oh, great, now you find Helen Hipclicks, the worlds most conceited actress.
  
  > examine Helen
  This is the prima donna who's edged you out of more good parts than you care to think about. Now she's coming right at you waving her scrapbook. Either she's going to bore you to death with her clippings, or she means to attack you.
  
  > Inventory
  You're carrying:
  battered bugle dim bulb (Providing light) long hotdog stage makeup
  old lamp oaken bucket solitaire ring scuba suit fortune cookie
  There is a fortune ( in the broken pieces )
  
  > hit Helen with the bucket
  You strike at the helen with the bucket, but your weapon bounces off of her harmlessly