Foggywood Hijinx
Ivan Cockrum
Mini-comp TADS TADS 2 TADS2 source available wacky uncle
%
Poor Uncle Foggy. He was the best guardian any kid could ever ask for. After your parents died in that freak waterbed accident, Uncle Foggy practically raised you and your twin sister Winnie. You grew up in his home full of wacky inventions - practical jokes for all occasions. Uncle Foggy was a prankster, no two ways about it. It's only been a couple of years since you and Winnie left for college. Since then you've spoken far too infrequently. When you last spoke, Uncle Foggy rambled on and on about some ultimate practical joke, but you had a class on gallinaceous theology to get to.

You and Winnie pull in to Foggywood Estate in your beaten-up coupe.
The white picket gate swings quietly shut behind you as you kill the engine. Unfortunately your relatives, the Barnevelders from Rhode Island, have also just arrived. Uncle Orpington and Aunt Lamona are just climbing out of their gleaming black sedan, while your cousin 'Red' sits in his ridiculous monster truck and leans on the horn, which blares an ear splitting rendition of 'La Cucharacha.'

Not a very auspicious way to kick off the reading of Uncle Foggy's will, is it?

(Type "about" for more information)

Uncle Foggy's front lawn teeters just on the border of ill-kempt, though no one specific flaw draws attention. The three vehicles parked on the lawn fail to aid its appearance. Uncle Foggy's home, Foggywood Manor, lies to the north, while the gate through which you entered rests back to the south. Though you can't see it over the hedges, you know that beyond the gate and across the road lies the ramshackle cabin that Uncle Foggy called his lab.

The Barnevelders are here, standing by the front door with you and Winnie.
Fhtest
Saved.
Fhtest
Restored.

Uncle Foggy's front lawn teeters just on the border of ill-kempt, though no one specific flaw draws attention. The three vehicles parked on the lawn fail to aid its appearance. Uncle Foggy's home, Foggywood Manor, lies to the north, while the gate through which you entered rests back to the south. Though you can't see it over the hedges, you know that beyond the gate and across the road lies the ramshackle cabin that Uncle Foggy called his lab.

The Barnevelders are here, standing by the front door with you and Winnie.
About yourself
You look about the same as always.

The Barnevelders glare haughtily at you and Winnie as you all wait for admittance to Uncle Foggy's house. Not a word passes between the two factions. So far as you know, the Barnevelders have never even visited Foggywood before.
You check what you're carrying
You are empty-handed.

None too soon, the front door is opened, revealing Mr. Dorkings, Uncle Foggy's solicitor. A dour man in black who rarely smiles, you've never quite trusted Dorkings.

"Mm," is all Dorkings has to say in greeting. "You've all arrived. Good. We can begin right away. Please follow me."
You look at Winnie
Your sister Wyandotte 'Winnie' Langshan has been your steady companion since birth. The two of you have never been separated, and share an almost psychic bond.

You and your relatives dutifully troop into the house after Dorkings.

Uncle Foggy's foyer is tastefully decorated, even if the blue hen wallpaper does seem a bit queer. Passages from the foyer lead off in many directions, but your only business here today is in the study to the east. The walls are adorned with glossy photos taken around Uncle Foggy's favorite travel destination. Nailed to a chest-high post is a stuffed bird, eternally caught in its morning salutation to the sun.

The Barnevelders are here, waiting to be admitted into the study with you and Winnie.

"We will be adjourning in the study for the reading of... " He breaks off in mid-sentence and cocks his head towards the study. You listen carefully, and hear what sounds like polite applause. Dorkings turns back to all of you and says, "Mm. Please wait here while I ensure that all is in readiness," before disappearing into the study.

Odd, you think. Knowing Dorkings, he would have checked and double checked everything long before your arrival.
You examine the photos
Lush photos of the Sun Pyramid taken around Chi-chen Itza. Uncle Foggy claimed to have held great admiration for the builders of the pyramid.

After a brief moment you hear rising voices. Well, one voice anyway. Dorkings' tone never rises or falls, but the other voice sounds like...

Mrs. Faverolles, the cook, storms out of the study, slamming the door against the wall. You can see from her complexion that she's at full broil. Ignoring your party, she whirls around and hurls a string of incomprehensible French epithets towards the study, waving a sauce spattered spoon in one hammy fist. Her other hand clenches a saucepan full of some rich burgundy sauce.
You look at the sauce
It's full of some rich, burgundy colored sauce.

Mrs. Faverolles storms off toward the kitchen, still raging. Once the noise of her passage has quieted, Dorkings gestures your party into the study.

You and your relatives shuffle inside and take seats at opposite sides of the room. You and Winnie fill out the love seat, while the Barnevelders perch like chicken hawks on the matching sofa.

Light from the outside streams in through the closed window, illuminating Uncle Foggy's comfortably cluttered study. It's full of interesting odds and ends, not the least of which is the trophy mounted on the wall above the desk. Many were the times that you and Winnie would climb the bookshelves in search of written treasure, and then spread out by the fireplace with your latest finds. For more dexterous pleasures, there was the carton of assorted works in progress Uncle Foggy usually kept beneath his desk. If nothing else appealed, sneaking maraschino cherries from the bar was always good for a few giggles.

The Barnevelders are here, seated on the couch across from you and Winnie, while Mr. Dorkings stands beside the desk.

You notice that an integrated television/video player has been set up on Uncle Foggy's desk, about where Uncle Foggy would be if he were presiding.
You examine trophy
The Buffalo-On-A-Spring (pat. pending) is an enormous, furry buffalo head with thick horns mounted as far apart as a broad man's shoulders. As you know, it rests on a tightly coiled spring, and launches forward at the touch of a button hidden on the desk. Uncle Foggy favored using the device on unsolicited salesmen and IRS auditors. He would seat them before the desk, wait until they were deeply engrossed in business, and then... SPROI-OI-OING! The huge head would lunge towards them at high velocity while Uncle Foggy screamed, "It's still alive! Run! For the love of God, RUN!" Then he'd cackle hysterically as they tripped over themselves in their rush for the door. Needless to say, victims of this prank rarely returned.

"Just a moment more. Mm," says Dorkings, as he turns to the television. Your mind wanders, and you find yourself focusing on the Buffalo-On-A-Spring (pat. pending) mounted on the wall behind Uncle Foggy's desk. It was one of Uncle Foggy's funniest inventions, a terrific source of amusement. Well, for everyone but the unlucky victims, anyway.
You examine Dorkings
Dorkings was Uncle Foggy's solicitor. A dour man in black who rarely smiles, you've never quite trusted him.

"Mm, here we are." Dorkings steps aside as the television springs to life. And there on the screen, real as life but only half as dead, is Uncle Foggy.

"Greetin's, family," begins your deceased uncle. "Ah suppose, Ah say, Ah suppose you're all wondering why Ah've gathered you here today." Uncle Foggy pauses for an expectant moment, while the Barnevelders glare dispassionately. Winnie rolls her eyes, though at Uncle Foggy or the Barnevelders, you're not sure. "Haw haw! It's a joke, son! Ah made a funny! Get it? Ah'm too fast for you! Gotta keep up, son!"
You get up
It would be disrespectful to go wandering before the reading is over.

"As you all know, Ah've made, Ah say, Ah've made a bunch of dough - that's SAWbucks, boy - off my inventions. Now Ah've gotta figure out who gets it." Uncle Foggy stares out of the screen for a moment before continuing. "Well Ah won't do it, y'hear! Never was any good at this family stuff, and Ah'm not going to start playing favorites now. Instead, Ah'm leavin' it, Ah say, Ah'm leavin' it up to you all!" You and Winnie and the Barnevelders exchange quizzical glances, but no one speaks.
Wait
Time passes...

Uncle Foggy rolls on. "What Ah propose, Ah say what Ah PROPOSE is a challenge. And the ones who best know me and my ways, well, they're gonna come out ahead."

Uncle Orpington leaps angrily to his feet and shouts, "What new foolishness is this!" Aunt Lamona spears him with a withering glance, and he reluctantly reseats himself.

"Now Orpy, by now Ah expect you're gettin' pretty riled up," says Uncle Foggy with frightening prescience. "Well them's the breaks! The breaks, Ah say! Maybe if you'd ever taken favor on my work, things'd be different now."
You listen
You hear nothing out of the ordinary.

"Contest goes like, Ah say, contest goes like this! Ah've scattered ten of my inventions around, Ah say, all 'round my estate. Dorkings here will give you all a list. The one o' you who finds the most number of things on the list gets it, Ah say gets it ALL! The house, the money, and most importantly... Dorkings? Ain't you ready yet, suh?"

"Ah, mm. Yes." Dorkings retrieves a black shammy sack from the desk and loosens the cord binding it shut. Reaching inside, he pulls out a matte black pyramidal object with a small switch at its apex. You jerk instinctively as Dorkings fumbles with the strange object. Everything slows as you watch it tumble to the ground with inexplicable dread. It lands on the shag rug with a faint but sickening 'click.'

Suddenly the world seems larger. You look to Winnie for help only to find... a chicken! Staring back at you is a perfectly normal white crested hen! You look around. Oh, no. Where once stood Mr. Dorkings and your relations, now you see only chickens. A long moment of stunned silence follows, as the room's occupants glance around nervously at each other.

The silence is broken by Uncle Foggy's booming voice. "You got it yet Dorkings? Good. Now, what you got here is my latest invention. The ultimate, Ah say, the ULTIMATE practical joke! Great at parties!
It'll make a million, if my name isn't Fogarth Barnevelder! And the one of you all to bring back the most items on my list, gets it! And that's, Ah say, that's IT! Dorkings, you can stop this consarned thing any time now. My, Ah say, my job here is done."

As the implications of the situation sink in, there is a sudden tidal swell of panic. Someone - Aunt Lamona? Cousin Red? - leaps from their perch and sets up a dreadful squawking. Soon, the room is full of squawking, screaching birds running in panicked circles, feathers flying everywhere.
You look at the carton
The greasy, worn carton was Uncle Foggy's hobby box - full of spare bits and pieces and small works in progress. The grubby flaps are closed, hiding whatever stray parts Uncle Foggy left behind.

The cacophany is broken by a sudden click as loud as the hammer of a revolver. Uncle Foggy's tape rolls to a stop and automatically starts rewinding. With the tape's feed gone, the television reverts to receiving broadcast signal. All eyes focus on the television as a recognizeable human figure appears, a woman in an apron standing behind a counter covered with neatly placed cooking utensils.

"Thank you, Charles," says Julia Childs. "Now that our burgundy sauce is chilling and the hen's organs have been removed, we can proceed to stewing the guts and gizzards." Suddenly your attention is drawn to a furious pounding at the study door. Oh no - it must be the cook wanting to watch her program!

"SQUAWK!" The panic renews with increased fury as your crazed relatives hurl themselves in shrieking clouds of feathers at every surface in the room. Well, it looks like its up to you and Winnie to figure out how to reverse Uncle Foggy's joke.

On the television, Julia Childs is busy shoving her entire forearm up some poor chicken's posterior. How humiliating!
You open the carton
You can't reach the carton from the love seat.

Red - at least you think it's Red - clambers up onto the sofa and crows at the top of his scrawny little lungs.
You get up
You hop down out of the love seat and flutter to the study floor.

A gutteral French accent beyond the door can only be Mrs. Faverolles cursing Dorkings for chasing her out of the study during her program.
You open the carton
Opening the carton reveals the Hedge Helpers (pat. pending).

Uncle Orpington pecks at the carpet as if looking for worms.
You examine Hedge Helpers
The Hedge Helpers (pat. pending) extend a gardener's reach while trimming tall hedges. They clamp on to the shoulders at one end, and end in a pair of articulated rubber hands at the other. The hands operate a second pair of shears, mimicking the operator's own hands, doubling both his reach and his efficiency.

The Hedge Helpers (pat. pending) are another of Uncle Foggy's inventions. Being the recluse he was, he liked his hedges TALL.

Cousin Red mistakenly runs into Aunt Lamona - she raises a great squawk and pecks Red viciously in return.
You take Helpers
You snatch an end of the Hedge Helpers (pat. pending) up in your beak. Though quite bulky, they're light enough that you can drag them around single... er... beakedly.

"I've never tasted human flesh," says Julia, "but I hear it tastes just like Chicken! Doesn't THAT make you want to pat your tummies and say yummy yummy, viewers?"
You look
Study, on the floor
Light from the outside streams in through the closed window, illuminating Uncle Foggy's comfortably cluttered study. It's full of interesting odds and ends, not the least of which is the trophy mounted on the wall above the desk. Many were the times that you and Winnie would climb the bookshelves in search of written treasure, and then spread out by the fireplace with your latest finds. For more dexterous pleasures, there was the carton of assorted works in progress Uncle Foggy usually kept beneath his desk. If nothing else appealed, sneaking maraschino cherries from the bar was always good for a few giggles.

The room is filled with chickens, running in crazy circles and bounding off the furniture and each other. Resting off to one side of the room is Uncle Foggy's ultimate practical joke.

On the television, an audience member asks Julia if she uses free range chickens. "Free range!" she shouts cheerfully. "Gas range is more like it!"
You look at the desk
Uncle Foggy's desk is a great monolith of mahogany, with drawers of all sizes and shapes on virtually every face. Even though Uncle Foggy did most of his work in his lab, the desk's surface is still scarred from his constant tinkering. As you know, Uncle Foggy usually kept a carton of assorted parts beneath the desk for idle moments. Sitting on the center of the desk is a television set. At one corner, you see Uncle Foggy's Super-Bendy Balloon-Animal Balloon Dispenser (pat. pending).

Your eye is inevitably drawn to the massive Buffalo-On-A-Spring (pat. pending) hanging heavily far up on on the wall overhead which, as you know, is activated by a hidden button on the desk.

Uncle Orpington pecks at the carpet as if looking for worms.
You examine Pyramid
Uncle Foggy's Super Funky Chickenizer (pat. pending) is a matte black pyramid with a small switch at its apex. You dearly hope Uncle Foggy left his development notes, or a reversion device, in his lab across the road.

On the television, Julia Childs is hacking the limbs off some unfortunate fowl with a butcher's knife the size of Bayonne, New Jersey.
You examine Dispenser
Uncle Foggy often liked to make elaborate balloon animals for favored visitors, and the Super-Bendy Balloon-Animal Balloon Dispenser (pat. pending) is another of his inventions. It's in the shape of a small elephant statuette with raised trunk. Super-Bendy Balloon-Animal Balloons (pat. pending) are dispensed from the elephant's open mouth. Yank out one and another takes its place.

"Once we're done with our coq au vin," says Julia Childs, "we'll move on to a lovely chicken divan recipe."
You take Balloon
You can't reach the Super-Bendy Balloon-Animal Balloon (pat. pending) from the floor.

On the television, Julia Childs sneaks a sip of sherry from a bottle beneath the counter. You hear the word 'cirrhosis' shouted from among the audience, to which Julia responds "Oh, pish tosh. There's nothing wrong with MY liver that a little CHICKEN liver won't cure!"
You press the button
You can't reach the hidden button from the floor.

The terrible pounding resumes briefly as Mrs. Faverolles makes another attempt at the door.
Up
You flap your wings edgily, glancing from desk to sill to shelves to bar, looking for something to hop up onto.

A gutteral French accent beyond the door can only be Mrs. Faverolles cursing Dorkings for chasing her out of the study during her program.
You get on the desk
Wings flapping, you leap up on to the desk.

The terrible pounding resumes briefly as Mrs. Faverolles makes another attempt at the door.
You press the button
The Buffalo-On-A-Spring (pat. pending) zooms off the wall with a resounding SPROI-OI-OING. Cousin Red, standing in the center of the room, leaps with bulging eyes from the path of the charging trophy.
The trophy jerks to a sudden stop about three feet off the ground, in front of the desk. A moment later, the head snaps back to the wall.

On the television, Julia Childs leans out into her audience and asks conspiratorially, "Do you folks know why the chicken crossed the road?" After a moment she answers, "Because it was hauled across in a butcher's cart, of course!" Her joke is met by silence from the audience, prompting her to respond cheerily with "Well! THAT joke sure laid an egg!"
You examine the desk
Uncle Foggy's desk is a great monolith of mahogany, with drawers of all sizes and shapes on virtually every face. Even though Uncle Foggy did most of his work in his lab, the desk's surface is still scarred from his constant tinkering. As you know, Uncle Foggy usually kept a carton of assorted parts beneath the desk for idle moments. Sitting on the center of the desk is a television set. At one corner, you see Uncle Foggy's Super-Bendy Balloon-Animal Balloon Dispenser (pat. pending).

Your eye is inevitably drawn to the massive Buffalo-On-A-Spring (pat. pending) hanging heavily far up on on the wall overhead which, as you know, is activated by a hidden button on the desk.

"Thanks for tuning in," says Julia Childs. "I know you'll just LOVE our all day long chicken recipe-athon!"
Down
You hop down off of the desk and flutter to the study floor.

On the television, Julia Childs mercilessly pounds the carcass of some poor disemboweled fowl with a - gulp - meat tenderizer.
You get on the bar
Wings flapping, you leap up on to the bar.

On the television, Julia Childs is hacking the limbs off some unfortunate fowl with a butcher's knife the size of Bayonne, New Jersey.
Examine bar
Though not a habitual drinker, Uncle Foggy always kept a stocked bar. As kids, you and Winnie often had fun sneaking olives and maraschino cherries. However, it looks like all of the condiments, along with the booze and glasses, have been locked away.

Lying on the surface of the bar is one of Uncle Foggy's Rainbow Wacky Straws (pat. pending).

On the television, Julia Childs coughs up a mouthful of feathers. "Oh, dear!" she exlaims. "Excuse me!"
You look at Straw
Another of Uncle Foggy's inventions, the Rainbow Wacky Straw (pat. pending) was developed with you and Winnie in mind. It's a ludicrously long flexible straw that randomly changes the color of liquids that pass through it. You and Winnie used to enjoy drinking Shirley Temples from across the room, watching as the Rainbow Wacky Straw (pat. pending) turned the drink from cherry cola red to lime rickey green to tang orange.

"Thanks for tuning in," says Julia Childs. "I know you'll just LOVE our all day long chicken recipe-athon!"
You take Straw
You can only carry one thing at a time in your beak.

The terrible pounding resumes briefly as Mrs. Faverolles makes another attempt at the door.
You look at the shelf
Tall wooden shelves tower over Uncle Foggy's desk on either side, drawing attention to the Buffalo-On-A-Spring (pat. pending), mounted prominently on the wall between them. The shelves are crammed with books of all ages and subjects, though there's probably little on them that hasn't been read by you or Winnie.

"You know," says Julia as she strips the flesh off some poor dead bird, "the thing I like about these Purdue chickens is how nice and easily the skins slide off. I guess it's true what they say. It really DOES take a tough man to make a tender chicken." Julia's audience laughs politely.
You examine the window
A plain, white-framed, four-panel window that looks out on the front lawn. There's a small knot, about the diameter of your fingertip (the kind you used to have) at the base of the frame where it meets the sill.

"I once killed a chicken just to watch it die," says Julia Childs.
You look at the knot
It's a small knot just at the very bottom of the frame, about large enough to allow a pencil or a pinky finger between the frame and the sill.

Uncle Orpington pulls a long strand of fiber from the carpet. Cousin Red jealously tries to snatch it away, and a tug-of-war ensues.
You drop Helpers
Dropped.

On the television, Julia Childs mercilessly pounds the carcass of some poor disemboweled fowl with a - gulp - meat tenderizer.
You take Straw
You snatch the Rainbow Wacky Straw (pat. pending) up in your beak like a long wriggly worm.

On the television, Julia Childs sneaks a sip of sherry from a bottle beneath the counter. You hear the word 'cirrhosis' shouted from among the audience, to which Julia responds "Oh, pish tosh. There's nothing wrong with MY liver that a little CHICKEN liver won't cure!"
Go downward
You hop down off of the bar and flutter to the study floor.

On the television, Julia Childs leans out into her audience and asks conspiratorially, "Do you folks know why the chicken crossed the road?" After a moment she answers, "Because it was hauled across in a butcher's cart, of course!" Her joke is met by silence from the audience, prompting her to respond cheerily with "Well! THAT joke sure laid an egg!"
You get on the sill
Wings flapping, you leap up on to the windowsill.

On the television, Julia Childs is busy shoving her entire forearm up some poor chicken's posterior. How humiliating!
You put Straw in the knot
You slide one end of the Rainbow Wacky Straw (pat. pending) into the knot in the frame. Unfortunately, it's a loose fit, and the Rainbow Wacky Straw (pat. pending) slides out.

"You know," says Julia as she strips the flesh off some poor dead bird, "the thing I like about these Purdue chickens is how nice and easily the skins slide off. I guess it's true what they say. It really DOES take a tough man to make a tender chicken." Julia's audience laughs politely.
You open the window
It's far too heavy too open by chicken power alone, so you motion Winnie over, slam your chicken-twin power-rings together and squawk, "Chicken-Twin Power ACTIVATE!"

Or not.

(Hint: that's the puzzle, doofus.)

Uncle Orpington pecks at the carpet as if looking for worms.
Down
You hop down off of the windowsill and flutter to the study floor.

On the television, Julia Childs cracks an egg into a bowl, whips it into a light batter, and then drops eviscerated chicken parts into it. "Well," says Julia, "I guess that answers the question of which came first!"
You get on the shelves
You slowly, laboriously climb the bookshelf, one shelf at a time, claw over beak over claw. Eventually you reach the top. You look around and find yourself at a level with the Buffalo-On-A-Spring (pat. pending).

"I've never tasted human flesh," says Julia, "but I hear it tastes just like Chicken! Doesn't THAT make you want to pat your tummies and say yummy yummy, viewers?"
You look at Buffalo
The Buffalo-On-A-Spring (pat. pending) is an enormous, furry buffalo head with thick horns mounted as far apart as a broad man's shoulders. As you know, it rests on a tightly coiled spring, and launches forward at the touch of a button hidden on the desk. Uncle Foggy favored using the device on unsolicited salesmen and IRS auditors. He would seat them before the desk, wait until they were deeply engrossed in business, and then... SPROI-OI-OING! The huge head would lunge towards them at high velocity while Uncle Foggy screamed, "It's still alive! Run! For the love of God, RUN!" Then he'd cackle hysterically as they tripped over themselves in their rush for the door. Needless to say, victims of this prank rarely returned.

A gutteral French accent beyond the door can only be Mrs. Faverolles cursing Dorkings for chasing her out of the study during her program.
You get on Buffalo
Wings flapping, you leap up on to the Buffalo-On-A-Spring (pat. pending).

On the television, Julia Childs drops one of the hens she is preparing. "Oh, too bad," she says, "Looks like that little chicky flew the coop!"
You get on the desk
You let out an unintelligible squawk, failing to communicate your order.

Cousin Red mistakenly runs into Aunt Lamona - she raises a great squawk and pecks Red viciously in return.
You look at Balloon
The Super-Bendy Balloon-Animal Balloon (pat. pending), a long, thin balloon of the variety used to make balloon animals, is another of Uncle Foggy's inventions. Uncle Foggy was endlessly fond of making balloon animals for guests, but equally frustrated at their short life-span and tendancy to burst. So he took vulcanization a step further with Uncle Foggy's Foggyized Super-Bendy Balloon-Animal Balloon Rubber (pat. pending)!

"I've never tasted human flesh," says Julia, "but I hear it tastes just like Chicken! Doesn't THAT make you want to pat your tummies and say yummy yummy, viewers?"
You look at the drawer
Drawers of all sizes and shape fill Uncle Foggy's desk.

On the television, Julia Childs sneaks a sip of sherry from a bottle beneath the counter. You hear the word 'cirrhosis' shouted from among the audience, to which Julia responds "Oh, pish tosh. There's nothing wrong with MY liver that a little CHICKEN liver won't cure!"
You open the drawer
You can't reach the drawers from the Buffalo-On-A-Spring (pat. pending).

On the television, Julia Childs coughs up a mouthful of feathers. "Oh, dear!" she exlaims. "Excuse me!"
Down
You hop down off of the Buffalo-On-A-Spring (pat. pending) and flutter to the study floor.

A gutteral French accent beyond the door can only be Mrs. Faverolles cursing Dorkings for chasing her out of the study during her program.
You get on the desk
Wings flapping, you leap up on to the desk.

"Once we're done with our coq au vin," says Julia Childs, "we'll move on to a lovely chicken divan recipe."
You open the drawer
Your new body hasn't got the power to open the heavy wooden drawers.

On the television, Julia Childs cracks an egg into a bowl, whips it into a light batter, and then drops eviscerated chicken parts into it. "Well," says Julia, "I guess that answers the question of which came first!"
You take Balloon
You can only carry one thing at a time in your beak.

On the television, Julia Childs drops one of the hens she is preparing. "Oh, too bad," she says, "Looks like that little chicky flew the coop!"
You drop Straw
The Rainbow Wacky Straw (pat. pending) slides off the desk to the study floor.

Uncle Orpington pulls a long strand of fiber from the carpet. Cousin Red jealously tries to snatch it away, and a tug-of-war ensues.
You take Balloon
You grab hold of the long, stringy Super-Bendy Balloon-Animal Balloon (pat. pending) with your beak and pull until it flaps free of the Super-Bendy Balloon-Animal Balloon Dispenser (pat. pending). You discover that it is the last one in the dispenser, something that leaves you with a queer sense of melancholy.

On the television, Julia Childs mercilessly pounds the carcass of some poor disemboweled fowl with a - gulp - meat tenderizer.
You put Straw in Balloon
You can't reach the Rainbow Wacky Straw (pat. pending) from the desk.

On the television, Julia Childs is hacking the limbs off some unfortunate fowl with a butcher's knife the size of Bayonne, New Jersey.
Down
You hop down off of the desk and flutter to the study floor.

Red - at least you think it's Red - clambers up onto the sofa and crows at the top of his scrawny little lungs.
You put Straw in Balloon
You slide the mouth of the Super-Bendy Balloon-Animal Balloon (pat. pending) over the Rainbow Wacky Straw (pat. pending).

"Later on the program," says Julia Childs, "I'll show you how to feed a family of four even if your man is bringing home chicken feed!"
You get on the sill
Wings flapping, you leap up on to the windowsill.

The formerly dour Mr. Dorkings makes for a peculiar sight as he rebounds off your uncle's desk, leaving a trail of black feathers.
You put Balloon in the knot
You cram the balloon-covered end of the Rainbow Wacky Straw (pat. pending) into the knot, then, gripping it with your beak, shove the Super-Bendy Balloon-Animal Balloon (pat. pending) as far into the knot as you can.

Cousin Red mistakenly runs into Aunt Lamona - she raises a great squawk and pecks Red viciously in return.
Inflate Balloon
You have no lips and you must blow.

On the television, Julia Childs leans out into her audience and asks conspiratorially, "Do you folks know why the chicken crossed the road?" After a moment she answers, "Because it was hauled across in a butcher's cart, of course!" Her joke is met by silence from the audience, prompting her to respond cheerily with "Well! THAT joke sure laid an egg!"
You look
Study, on the windowsill
Light from the outside streams in through the closed window, illuminating Uncle Foggy's comfortably cluttered study. It's full of interesting odds and ends, not the least of which is the trophy mounted on the wall above the desk. Many were the times that you and Winnie would climb the bookshelves in search of written treasure, and then spread out by the fireplace with your latest finds. For more dexterous pleasures, there was the carton of assorted works in progress Uncle Foggy usually kept beneath his desk. If nothing else appealed, sneaking maraschino cherries from the bar was always good for a few giggles.

The room is filled with chickens, running in crazy circles and bounding off the furniture and each other. Resting off to one side of the room is Uncle Foggy's ultimate practical joke. Sitting on the bar is the Hedge Helpers (pat. pending).

On the television, Julia Childs sneaks a sip of sherry from a bottle beneath the counter. You hear the word 'cirrhosis' shouted from among the audience, to which Julia responds "Oh, pish tosh. There's nothing wrong with MY liver that a little CHICKEN liver won't cure!"
You examine the fireplace
You and Winnie used to spend many cold days bundled up by the charming old brick fireplace, with good books and hot chocolate, the latter preferably drunken through one of Uncle Foggy's Wacky Rainbow Straws (pat. pending). Standing to one side of the fireplace is an assortment of brass pokers and an old bellows.

Uncle Orpington pecks at the carpet as if looking for worms.
Down
You hop down off of the windowsill and flutter to the study floor.

On the television, Julia Childs sneaks a sip of sherry from a bottle beneath the counter. You hear the word 'cirrhosis' shouted from among the audience, to which Julia responds "Oh, pish tosh. There's nothing wrong with MY liver that a little CHICKEN liver won't cure!"
You take bellows
Realizing that you can't use the bellows in its current position, you try to topple it from its upright position by the fireplace. It budges, but just barely. Winnie, comprehending your efforts, lends a beak to assist. Working together, you manage to pull the bellows down to the ground and drag it to the center of the room.

"I once killed a chicken just to watch it die," says Julia Childs.
You take the bellows
Winnie gives you a light peck as if to say "Don't be a little chicken shit. I'm not helping you move that again."

On the television, Julia Childs cracks an egg into a bowl, whips it into a light batter, and then drops eviscerated chicken parts into it. "Well," says Julia, "I guess that answers the question of which came first!"
You put Straw in the bellows
You hold the straw firmly in beak and cram it as far into the tube of the bellows as it will go. The straw fits snugly inside the tube, forming a solid connection.

"Later today," says Julia Childs, "we'll be demonstrating how to perform emergency liver transplant surgery on your house pets using chicken liver!"
You get on the desk
Wings flapping, you leap up on to the desk.

Uncle Orpington pulls a long strand of fiber from the carpet. Cousin Red jealously tries to snatch it away, and a tug-of-war ensues.
You examine Straw
Another of Uncle Foggy's inventions, the Rainbow Wacky Straw (pat. pending) was developed with you and Winnie in mind. It's a ludicrously long flexible straw that randomly changes the color of liquids that pass through it. You and Winnie used to enjoy drinking Shirley Temples from across the room, watching as the Rainbow Wacky Straw (pat. pending) turned the drink from cherry cola red to lime rickey green to tang orange.

One end of the Rainbow Wacky Straw (pat. pending) is inserted into the bellows, while the other is inserted into the Super-Bendy Balloon-Animal Balloon (pat. pending) and crammed into the knot in the window.

On the television, Julia Childs leans out into her audience and asks conspiratorially, "Do you folks know why the chicken crossed the road?" After a moment she answers, "Because it was hauled across in a butcher's cart, of course!" Her joke is met by silence from the audience, prompting her to respond cheerily with "Well! THAT joke sure laid an egg!"
You turn off tv
As much as you would love to end Ms. Childs' depredations, the television seems to be chicken-proof.

A gutteral French accent beyond the door can only be Mrs. Faverolles cursing Dorkings for chasing her out of the study during her program.
You jump on the bellows
You can't reach the bellows from the desk.

"Later today," says Julia Childs, "we'll be demonstrating how to perform emergency liver transplant surgery on your house pets using chicken liver!"
Down
You hop down off of the desk and flutter to the study floor.

On the television, Julia Childs sneaks a sip of sherry from a bottle beneath the counter. You hear the word 'cirrhosis' shouted from among the audience, to which Julia responds "Oh, pish tosh. There's nothing wrong with MY liver that a little CHICKEN liver won't cure!"
You get on bellows
I don't know how to get on the bellows.

On the television, Julia Childs coughs up a mouthful of feathers. "Oh, dear!" she exlaims. "Excuse me!"
You get on the sill
Wings flapping, you leap up on to the windowsill.

On the television, Julia Childs is hacking the limbs off some unfortunate fowl with a butcher's knife the size of Bayonne, New Jersey.
You jump on the bellows
You can't reach the bellows from the windowsill.

On the television, Julia Childs coughs up a mouthful of feathers. "Oh, dear!" she exlaims. "Excuse me!"
Down
You hop down off of the windowsill and flutter to the study floor.

Uncle Orpington pulls a long strand of fiber from the carpet. Cousin Red jealously tries to snatch it away, and a tug-of-war ensues.
You jump on the bellows
I don't know how to jump the bellows.

The terrible pounding resumes briefly as Mrs. Faverolles makes another attempt at the door.
You examine the bellows
It's an ordinary bellows, lying in the middle of the room in front of Uncle Foggy's desk. Two bits of tapered wood are joined by an accordion-like sleeve. Pulling the handle out fills it with air; squeezing them together expels the air. You and Winnie used to use enjoy using this particular bellows to inflate Uncle Foggy's Super-Bendy Balloon-Animal Balloons (pat. pending).

Attached to the tube of the bellows is one of Uncle Foggy's Rainbow Wacky Straws (pat. pending).

On the television, Julia Childs cracks an egg into a bowl, whips it into a light batter, and then drops eviscerated chicken parts into it. "Well," says Julia, "I guess that answers the question of which came first!"
You pull the handle
Winnie gives you a light peck as if to say "Don't be a little chicken shit. I'm not helping you move that again."

Uncle Orpington pecks at the carpet as if looking for worms.
You squeeze bellows
As a chicken, you don't have the muscle (or the hands, for that matter) to squeeze the bellows. Oh, if only you had hands again!

"You know," says Julia as she strips the flesh off some poor dead bird, "the thing I like about these Purdue chickens is how nice and easily the skins slide off. I guess it's true what they say. It really DOES take a tough man to make a tender chicken." Julia's audience laughs politely.
You get on the bar
Wings flapping, you leap up on to the bar.

Uncle Orpington pecks at the carpet as if looking for worms.
You take the helper
You snatch an end of the Hedge Helpers (pat. pending) up in your beak. Though quite bulky, they're light enough that you can drag them around single... er... beakedly.

On the television, Julia Childs is busy shoving her entire forearm up some poor chicken's posterior. How humiliating!
Down
You hop down off of the bar and flutter to the study floor.

On the television, Julia Childs mercilessly pounds the carcass of some poor disemboweled fowl with a - gulp - meat tenderizer.
You look at the helper
The Hedge Helpers (pat. pending) extend a gardener's reach while trimming tall hedges. They clamp on to the shoulders at one end, and end in a pair of articulated rubber hands at the other. The hands operate a second pair of shears, mimicking the operator's own hands, doubling both his reach and his efficiency.

The Hedge Helpers (pat. pending) are another of Uncle Foggy's inventions. Being the recluse he was, he liked his hedges TALL.

"On next week's program," says Julia Childs, "I'll be showing you how to make chicken-fried chicken!"
You put Helpers on the bellows
Done.

Red - at least you think it's Red - clambers up onto the sofa and crows at the top of his scrawny little lungs.
You examine the bellows
It's an ordinary bellows, lying in the middle of the room in front of Uncle Foggy's desk. Two bits of tapered wood are joined by an accordion-like sleeve. Pulling the handle out fills it with air; squeezing them together expels the air. You and Winnie used to use enjoy using this particular bellows to inflate Uncle Foggy's Super-Bendy Balloon-Animal Balloons (pat. pending).

Attached to the tube of the bellows is one of Uncle Foggy's Rainbow Wacky Straws (pat. pending).

"Thanks for tuning in," says Julia Childs. "I know you'll just LOVE our all day long chicken recipe-athon!"
You examine the helper
The Hedge Helpers (pat. pending) extend a gardener's reach while trimming tall hedges. They clamp on to the shoulders at one end, and end in a pair of articulated rubber hands at the other. The hands operate a second pair of shears, mimicking the operator's own hands, doubling both his reach and his efficiency.

The Hedge Helpers (pat. pending) are another of Uncle Foggy's inventions. Being the recluse he was, he liked his hedges TALL.

The terrible pounding resumes briefly as Mrs. Faverolles makes another attempt at the door.
You get on the desk
Wings flapping, you leap up on to the desk.

On the television, Julia Childs is busy shoving her entire forearm up some poor chicken's posterior. How humiliating!
You press the button
The Buffalo-On-A-Spring (pat. pending) zooms off the wall with a resounding SPROI-OI-OING. The trophy jerks to a sudden stop about three feet off the ground, in front of the desk, and just above the bellows lying in the middle of the room. Mr. Dorkings, standing near the bellows, leaps with bulging eyes from the path of the charging trophy. A moment later, the head snaps back to the wall.

On the television, an audience member asks Julia if she uses free range chickens. "Free range!" she shouts cheerfully. "Gas range is more like it!"
You wear Helpers
You can't reach the Hedge Helpers (pat. pending) from the desk.

The formerly dour Mr. Dorkings makes for a peculiar sight as he rebounds off your uncle's desk, leaving a trail of black feathers.
Down
You hop down off of the desk and flutter to the study floor.

"Thanks for tuning in," says Julia Childs. "I know you'll just LOVE our all day long chicken recipe-athon!"
You wear Helpers
The Hedge Helpers (pat. pending) weren't designed to mount on small fowl.

On the television, Julia Childs leans out into her audience and asks conspiratorially, "Do you folks know why the chicken crossed the road?" After a moment she answers, "Because it was hauled across in a butcher's cart, of course!" Her joke is met by silence from the audience, prompting her to respond cheerily with "Well! THAT joke sure laid an egg!"
You take Helpers
You snatch an end of the Hedge Helpers (pat. pending) up in your beak. Though quite bulky, they're light enough that you can drag them around single... er... beakedly.

"You know," says Julia as she strips the flesh off some poor dead bird, "the thing I like about these Purdue chickens is how nice and easily the skins slide off. I guess it's true what they say. It really DOES take a tough man to make a tender chicken." Julia's audience laughs politely.
You examine Dorkings
Dorkings was a dour looking man in black. Now he's a dour looking black chicken. And those beady eyes don't make him look any more trustworthy.

On the television, Julia Childs coughs up a mouthful of feathers. "Oh, dear!" she exlaims. "Excuse me!"
You get on shelf
With one of the light-weight Hedge Helper (pat. pending) hands clutched in your beak, you attempt to climb the tall bookshelf, without much progress. Winnie, seeing your plan, beaks down on the other hand and mounts alongside you. Between you both, you're able, slowly, laboriously, to climb the bookshelves with the Hedge Helpers (pat. pending). At last you reach the top, even with the Buffalo-On-A-Spring (pat. pending).

Aunt Lamona and Uncle Orpington - at least you think they're Aunt Lamona and Uncle Orpington - slam into each other at full tilt and knock each other onto the floor.
You get on the trophy
Wings flapping, you leap up on to the Buffalo-On-A-Spring (pat. pending).

On the television, Julia Childs mercilessly pounds the carcass of some poor disemboweled fowl with a - gulp - meat tenderizer.
You put Helpers on the trophy
There's no good surface on the head itself, but you might be able to mount the Hedge Helpers (pat. pending) on the trophy's horns.

A gutteral French accent beyond the door can only be Mrs. Faverolles cursing Dorkings for chasing her out of the study during her program.
You put Helpers on the horn
With Winnie's help, you mount the the Hedge Helpers (pat. pending) on the horns of the the Buffalo-On-A-Spring (pat. pending).

On the television, Julia Childs invites an audience member up to assist her. The volunteer hesitates at reaching into the chicken's cavity, prompting Julia to ask "What're you... chicken?" Julia laughs hysterically at her own joke, accompanied by a smattering of applause from the audience.
Down
You hop down off of the Buffalo-On-A-Spring (pat. pending) and flutter to the study floor.

"On next week's program," says Julia Childs, "I'll be showing you how to make chicken-fried chicken!"
You get on the desk
Wings flapping, you leap up on to the desk.

"Once we're done with our coq au vin," says Julia Childs, "we'll move on to a lovely chicken divan recipe."
You press the button
The Buffalo-On-A-Spring (pat. pending) zooms off the wall with a resounding SPROI-OI-OING, the Hedge Helpers (pat. pending) bouncing crazily behind. Cousin Red, standing near the bellows, leaps with bulging eyes from the path of the charging trophy just in time to avoid the whipping Hedge Helpers (pat. pending), which latch onto the bellows and give it a good solid squeeze. The bellows BOOFS as the air is forced out of it and through the Rainbow Wacky Straw (pat.
pending), then into the attached Super-Bendy Balloon-Animal Balloon (pat. pending), which fills with air, slowly raising the window a scant chicken's height as it swells. Winnie, seeing your intent, hops onto the windowsill and steps on the mouth of the Super-Bendy Balloon-Animal Balloon (pat. pending) to prevent the air escaping it. A moment later, the head snaps back to the wall, the Hedge Helpers (pat. pending) whipping insanely behind. The bellows slowly returns to its original position as air rushes back into it.

On the television, Julia Childs coughs up a mouthful of feathers. "Oh, dear!" she exlaims. "Excuse me!"
Down
You hop down off of the desk and flutter to the study floor.

"Later on the program," says Julia Childs, "I'll show you how to feed a family of four even if your man is bringing home chicken feed!"
You get on shelf
You slowly, laboriously climb the bookshelf, one shelf at a time, claw over beak over claw. Eventually you reach the top. You look around and find yourself at a level with the Buffalo-On-A-Spring (pat. pending).

On the television, Julia Childs leans out into her audience and asks conspiratorially, "Do you folks know why the chicken crossed the road?" After a moment she answers, "Because it was hauled across in a butcher's cart, of course!" Her joke is met by silence from the audience, prompting her to respond cheerily with "Well! THAT joke sure laid an egg!"
You get on the trophy
Wings flapping, you leap up on to the Buffalo-On-A-Spring (pat. pending).

On the television, Julia Childs is hacking the limbs off some unfortunate fowl with a butcher's knife the size of Bayonne, New Jersey.
You take Helpers
Winnie sees you headed on a course to pull down the Hedge Helpers (pat. pending) and starts up an agitated flapping, as if to say "Don't even think about it, egg head. We've got to get out of here!"

"Once we're done with our coq au vin," says Julia Childs, "we'll move on to a lovely chicken divan recipe."
Down
You hop down off of the Buffalo-On-A-Spring (pat. pending) and flutter to the study floor.

Uncle Orpington pulls a long strand of fiber from the carpet. Cousin Red jealously tries to snatch it away, and a tug-of-war ensues.
You get on the sill
Wings flapping, you leap up on to the windowsill.

On the television, Julia Childs coughs up a mouthful of feathers. "Oh, dear!" she exlaims. "Excuse me!"
Go outside
You're not going anywhere until you get off of the windowsill.

On the television, Julia Childs is hacking the limbs off some unfortunate fowl with a butcher's knife the size of Bayonne, New Jersey.
You enter the window
I don't know how to enter the window pane.

On the television, Julia Childs leans out into her audience and asks conspiratorially, "Do you folks know why the chicken crossed the road?" After a moment she answers, "Because it was hauled across in a butcher's cart, of course!" Her joke is met by silence from the audience, prompting her to respond cheerily with "Well! THAT joke sure laid an egg!"
Go outside
You're not going anywhere until you get off of the windowsill.

"Thanks for tuning in," says Julia Childs. "I know you'll just LOVE our all day long chicken recipe-athon!"
Go south
You head for the swinging gate, left conveniently ajar, and squeeze through to the other side. It looks like an easy trip across the road to Uncle Foggie's lab. But just as you're about to set foot on the road, a streak of copper catches your eye. It's a fox! You turn tail and run back through the gate, just in time to bump into Winnie coming out. The two of you rebound off each other, confusing your sense of direction. With a growing sense of urgency you rush at the gate again, and manage to squeeze through just as a sharp claw swipes at your tail feathers. The gate bangs shut behind you, startling the fox away for the moment. Then it slowly creaks open again.
Go south
Not with that fox hanging around out there! You're going to have to find another way to cross that road.
You look at your surroundings
Uncle Foggy's front lawn teeters just on the border of ill-kempt, though no one specific flaw draws attention. The three vehicles parked on the lawn fail to aid its appearance. Uncle Foggy's home, Foggywood Manor, lies to the north, while the gate through which you entered rests back to the south. Though you can't see it over the hedges, you know that beyond the gate and across the road lies the ramshackle cabin that Uncle Foggy called his lab.

Winnie is here with you, eagerly waiting for your next move.
You examine the sedan
Your Uncle Orpington's Oldsmobuick is a beetle black sedan of late vintage. It looks big and mean, fit for running down small animals and old ladies on the highway.
You examine the coupe
Your car is a beaten-up, anonymous-looking two door coupe. It reminds you of one of Uncle Foggy's favorite jokes: Why has a chicken coop got only two doors? Because if it had four it'd be a chicken sedan!
You look at the truck
Your cousin Red's monster truck is a masterpiece of modern automotive engineering. Its brightly colored chassis hovers nearly five feet off the ground, suspended by enormous black tires big enough to feed an entire tribe of African pygmies through three rainy seasons. A galvanized metal stair extends down from the driver's side door, without which tiny Red could never have tamed the monster. Apparently Red left the roof at home, as the cab is open to the air. Red has obnoxiously parked the truck facing forward right in front of the gate, which forced you to drive around him when you entered.
You enter the truck
Followed by Winnie, you hop up the metal steps and flutter over the door into the cab of Red's truck. It is with incredible relief that you find Red's car keys hanging from the ignition. You've never driven a truck like this - let alone while wearing a chicken's body - but the ignition, gear stick and gas pedal look like a good place to start.
You turn the key
You turn the keys with your beak, and the monster truck roars to life!
You jump on the gas
Fearing that even your combined weight may not be enough, you and Winnie jump together onto the gas pedal. The truck lurches into motion! Rear wheels pealing, it bursts forward, crashing through the front gate and across the road, baby! At the far side, the truck hits a deep pothole that jolts you and Winnie into the air, giving you a perfect view as the truck slams into one sagging wall of Uncle Foggy's ramshackle lab. The impact flattens you into the windshield, as debris from the crumbling wall crashes down upon you.

When the dust finally settles, you and Winnie clamber dizzily out of the truck. Uncle Foggy's lab is a shambles. Shelves have collapsed, spilling their contents everywhere. The entire structure looks as though it may fall down at any moment. But there, posted on a relatively stable section of wall, is a diagram outlining the process of Uncle Foggy's Super Funky Chickenizer (pat. pending). Below it, on a sturdy bench, is a small white pyramid - clearly the mate to the device that got you into this mess.
You look at the diagram
It seems to outline the process of Uncle Foggy's Super Funky Chickenizer (pat. pending).
You examine Pyramid
This must be the reversion device for Uncle Foggy's Super Funky Chickenizer (pat. pending). It's a white matte pyramid with a small switch at its apex.
You get on the bench
Wings flapping, you leap up on to the bench.
You press the switch
The switch flips over with a hollow 'click'... and suddenly, the world seems smaller.
Much later, you and Winnie sit down to a sumptuous dinner prepared by Mrs. Faverolles. You're both able to laugh over the day's events from the comfortable safety of Uncle Foggy's expansive dining room.

"What a day!" you exclaim to Winnie between mouthfuls.
"I know," she says, sipping a glass of wine. "I thought we would
never find a way to revert to our old selves."
"Too bad about the Barnevelders missing their chance to participate
in the scavenger hunt."
"Oh, yes," nods Winnie.
"So. How are you finding the chicken?" you ask, changing the
subject.
"Mm, it's a big stringy for my tastes." says Winnie, chewing a mouthful of food.
"Really? Mine's quite tender."
"Well, you know what they say," says Winnie.
"What's that?" you inquire.

"It's all relative!"

* * *

Congratulations! You have won Foggywood Hijinx!

Thank you for playing Foggywood Hijinx, a TextFeather release. On-line registration for TextFeather products will be available at

patience!