Party Arty, Man of La Munchies
Jonathan Blask
funny humor king arthur short short game silly
A story told at the crossroads of levity and destiny!
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The party planner tells me that your interpreter uses the Glk API. Does your interpreter normally have a status bar? (If this question confuses you, answer "yes")

Please answer YES or NO:
No
You have long held the belief that New Year's parties are the gold standard against which all other parties in the forthcoming year are judged. So far, this one has been holding up quite well. You won at all of the drinking games- in this case, "winning" is holding one's liquor like a champ, since you can't get a ping pong ball in a plastic cup (or any other drinking game feat, really) to save your life. Now seems like as good a time as any to get yourself some grub, though, so you don't hit a wall.

Just yesterday, you were just some guy named "Arthur," content to live a life of obscurity. Tonight, though, you're...

Party Arty, Man of La Munchies
Written for The Penultimate New Year's Speed IF Entry (Footnote 1)

Hugo v3.1 / Library 31031
Type ABOUT for more information.

By the Snack Table                              New Year's Eve, Nearly Midnight
The dining room has been converted into Snack Central. A buffet table is completely adorned with every kind of finger food imagineable.

Sticking upright out of the center of a plate of nachos is the most perfect nacho you have ever seen.
You take the nacho
You grab at the perfect nacho, but the nacho is lodged pretty well into the plate's coagulated cheese. Looks like it'll take to take a proper yank.
Yank nacho
Driven by some inner force, you clasp your fingers around the nacho. The two seem made for one another. You pull. Nothing happens. You strain harder. The nacho gives a little, and then....

The lights darken momentarily, as if afflicted by a power surge. When your vision clears, you are somewhere else completely.

A path leads up to this cave. A multitude of stars shine down.

A wizened figure with an unkempt beard is here. You take him to be Merlin, the legendary wizard.

A rock is here.

Merlin addresses you:
"Arthur, you have proven yourself a worthy champion in the face of adversity. I must ask you to retrieve an item of great importance from a room upstairs in this house. I cannot assist except to lend you three powers that you will have to use to your advantage.

[1] "Whoa, did you send me back in time?"
[2] "An object of great importance?"
[3] "Three powers, you say?"
[4] "I thought you aged in reverse!"
1
"Whoa, did you send me back in time?"

Merlin says, "I did! Pretty cool, huh? Don't worry; you'll be sent
back soon enough."

You consider your other options.

[1] "An object of great importance?"
[2] "Three powers, you say?"
[3] "I thought you aged in reverse!"
2
"Three powers, you say?"

"Unfortunately, magic isn't what it once was. In the good old days,
I'd give you the power to turn into all sorts of animals. A turtle, even! Can you imagine that? A turtle! I no longer have that kind of power to share, but I can augment you in other ways. Just use the magic command 'DUR' followed by the trait you wish:

DUR BRAWN - gain great strength
DUR TINY - become smaller in stature
DUR NORMAL - go back to normal traits

If you forget which powers are available to you, try the 'POWERS' command!"

"'Dur,' huh? I can remember that," you say.

You consider your other options.

[1] "An object of great importance?"
[2] "I thought you aged in reverse!"
2
"I thought you aged in reverse!"

Merlin answers, "Geez, it's not like this game is canon!"

You consider your other options.

[1] "An object of great importance?"
1
"An object of great importance?"

Merlin says, "Sinister forces prevent me from telling you what the object is, but you will know it when you see it."

Merlin continues. "When you have retrieved the item, go to where the snack table rests. There, you will find the item's rightful place!"

The room goes dark once more. When your vision clears, Merlin is gone and you are back at the party!

By the Snack Table                              New Year's Eve, Nearly Midnight
The dining room has been converted into Snack Central. A buffet table is completely adorned with every kind of finger food imagineable.

To the north is the living room, which has been converted into a makeshift dance floor. You know from past experience that the stairs to the second floor is on the other side.
You examine Table
The snack table looks just like you would expect.

Sitting on the snack table is a plate of nachos.
About yourself
Looking good.
You check what you're carrying
You are carrying a perfect nacho.
You eat the nacho
Crunch. Man, that was good.
Go north
Living Room                                     New Year's Eve, Nearly Midnight
The room is packed with moving bodies. It's kind of like the dance scene in Matrix Reloaded except without the weighty sense of disappointment. South leads to the dining room, and north heads to a staircase.

A ton of people are dancing, dancing, dancing.
Dance
You cut the rug for a little while.
You look at the people
Wow, these cats have some moves.
You talk to the people
The party goers are listening.
Dur wit
You feel your conversational skills becoming all brilliant-like.
Go north
It is impossible to make any headway, what with all of the dancers in your way.
Dur brawn
You feel your conversational skills going to hell again. You feel the strength of a thousand men surging through you.
Go north
With your extra strength, you could seriously hurt someone.
Dur tiny
You feel your strength diminishing to mortal levels. You feel yourself becoming smaller, until everything around you looks much larger.
You go north
Being so small, it is easy for you to evade the moving bodies, at the price of seeing a lot of feet and butts. You make it to the other side.

Bottom of Stairs                                New Year's Eve, Nearly Midnight
Going up will take you to the second floor while heading south leads back to the living room.

Travel up the stairs is blocked by a cordon.
You examine the cordon
This is one of those barriers you see at parties where a ribbon cordons off a stairwell or room that the hosts don't want people entering. This one is held up feebly by tape on its sides. A handwritten sign attached to it kindly asks that guests remain downstairs.
Dur brawn
You feel your height growing to its normal size. You feel the strength of a thousand men surging through you.
Up
With strength ripping through you, you tear through the tape and its implied restrictions. A beast such as yourself cannot be contained. You continue on your way!

Midway Up the Stairs                            New Year's Eve, Nearly Midnight
This is just a place, halfway up the stairs. You know.
Up
Upstairs Hallway                                New Year's Eve, Nearly Midnight
Doors head off in several directions. A staircase leads down.

Some guy is standing around up here, guarding the good house
bathroom.

He notices you. He says, "Hey guy. You know, you really shouldn't be up here."

[1] "Um..."
[2] "Er..."
[3] "Duh..."
[4] "...Huh"
1
"Um..."

Unable to elequently articulate anything, you turn around and head back to the stairs.

Midway Up the Stairs                            New Year's Eve, Nearly Midnight
This is just a place, halfway up the stairs. You know.
Dur wit
You feel your strength diminishing to mortal levels. You feel your conversational skills becoming all brilliant-like.
You go up
Upstairs Hallway                                New Year's Eve, Nearly Midnight
Doors head off in several directions. A staircase leads down.

Some guy is standing around up here, guarding the good house
bathroom.

The dude notices you again. He says, "C'mon, buddy. You shouldn't be here."

[1] "How appropriate. You talk like a cow. "
[2] "Even BEFORE I smell your breath?"
[3] "So you got that job as janitor, after all."
[4] "There are no words for how disgusting you are."
3
"So you got that job as janitor, after all."

Dumbfounded by your brilliance, the guy looks at you for a moment before departing down the stairs. Presumably, he left to get reinforcements, but you probably have managed to buy yourself some time.

Upstairs Hallway                                New Year's Eve, Nearly Midnight
Doors head off in several directions. A staircase leads down.

Moreso than any other door in this hallway, your attention is drawn
to an exit to the east which leads to some kind of study.
You go east
Study                                           New Year's Eve, Nearly Midnight
This is a fancy study. Leather chair, oak desk, ornate globe- you
name it.

Despite the study's classy appearance, a model car sits in a place of honor on a display shelf. Seriously, you just can't make collecting classy.
You look at the car
This is a model of the Excalibur automobile, a roadster built in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, that was styled after the 1928 Mercedes-Benz SSK. You don't see many of these around.
Dur tiny
You feel your conversational skills going to hell again. You feel yourself becoming smaller, until everything around you looks much larger.
Dur brawn
You feel your height growing to its normal size. You feel the strength of a thousand men surging through you.
Dur tiny
You feel your strength diminishing to mortal levels. You feel yourself becoming smaller, until everything around you looks much larger.
Describe the surroundings
Study                                           New Year's Eve, Nearly Midnight
This is a fancy study. Leather chair, oak desk, ornate globe- you
name it.

Despite the study's classy appearance, a model car sits in a place of honor on a display shelf. Seriously, you just can't make collecting classy.

Despite the study's classy appearance, a model car sits in a place of honor on a display shelf. Seriously, you just can't make collecting classy.
You get the car
You're too small. You can't reach it!
Dur normal
You feel your height growing to its normal size. You are back to normal now.
You get the car
A spark touches your hand as your finger rests on the Excalibur. It's possible that you picked up some static electricity on the way here, but you'd rather think it was the spark of DESTINY. Anyway, taken.
You look at the car
This is a model of the Excalibur automobile, a roadster built in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, that was styled after the 1928 Mercedes-Benz SSK. You don't see many of these around.
Go west
Upstairs Hallway                                New Year's Eve, Nearly Midnight
Doors head off in several directions. A staircase leads down.

Moreso than any other door in this hallway, your attention is drawn
to an exit to the east which leads to some kind of study.
You go downward
Bottom of Stairs                                New Year's Eve, Nearly Midnight
Going up will take you back to the second floor while heading south leads to the living room.

Huh, looks like all of the dancers have emptied out of the living room.
You go south
Living Room                                     New Year's Eve, Nearly Midnight
You can't help but wonder where everyone went. Exits lie north and south.
Go south
Dining Room                                     New Year's Eve, Nearly Midnight
Huh, the patio doors to the south are now open. It seems that
somebody rolled the buffet table out there. Guess it had wheels!

To the north is the now-empty living room.
You go south
Patio                                           New Year's Eve, Nearly Midnight
Seems the party migrated outside for an impromptu fireworks display.
It is surprisingly comfortable out here. Lots of stars out tonight, too.

Everyone is milling around, waiting for the fireworks.

A little pond also complements the patio. You bet the fireworks will look cool reflected in its water.
You examine the pond
Supposedly, this is supposed to be a koi pond, but you've never actually seen any fish in it so you have your doubts.
Dur brawn
You feel the strength of a thousand men surging through you.
You look in the pond
The koi pond is empty.
You put the car in the pond
Giving a shout of glee, you throw the Excalibur into the koi pond. There is a stunned silence from everyone, but the moment passes and everybody goes back to partying. You decide to finally eat your perfect nacho just as the fireworks start. Your eyes shine with the wisdom of the ages!

Your friends will remember this New Year's Eve party as the one where you got so drunk that you crawled through the crowded dance floor and just generally made a nuisance of yourself, but you will always remember it as the year you helped out a nice wizard. Plus, for a pool that's only a foot and a half deep, they never did find that model car you threw in! Destiny!