Lobsters On A Plane
Ben Collins-Sussman
club Floyd transcript collaboration fantasy humor I7 source available magic speed IF
A flying tube of riveted aluminum the length of a football field, a swarm of angry carnivorous lobsters, a seething mass of frightened mortal passengers, and a renowned High Wizard who you sworn to protect. Hope you brought a bib.
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There is an actinic flash. The seat belt signs illuminate. On the overhead speakers, the pilot mechanically reassures the passengers that the minor turbulence is no cause for concern. A second, more abrupt crash and the plane lurches. Air masks drop. An overhead baggage bin flies open, and lobsters pour out. Ignoring the passengers in your section, you let the food cart topple forward, the potatoes au gratin mixing with the fettuccine and mango compote. You climb towards the lavatory and throw the latch from "vacant" to "occupied." The plane revolves slowly -- pushing you towards the wall -- even as the sudden loss of altitude makes you feel lighter.

Parboiled crustaceans at 30,000 feet by Ben and Jack

Type "help" for instructions.

A claustrophobic vertical coffin, lit by blue-tinted fluorescent bulbs and smelling of disinfectant. A uselessly small vestigial sink, a unisex toilet, and a mirror are the only furnishings in the room. Your uncanny (yet invariably useful) sense of direction tells you that the aft compartment of the plane is to the west.

You can see a bathroom door and a sink (empty) here.
About you
Four-hundred and eighty-six years, and you look like a supermodel. That's partly due to your inherently superior breeding, and partly attributable to the plastic surgery, cybernetic implants and magical enhancements all courtesy of The Republic.

You almost slip as the plane pulls up suddenly. Good thing you had the mango compote for lunch and not the fettucine.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a pair of high-heeled shoes (being worn)
a flight attendant uniform (being worn)
a magic wand
You look at the shoes
Shiny, high-heeled shoes. Part of the TRANSGLOBAL AIRLINES uniform. Your least favorite part.
You examine the uniform
A dark blue pants suit, with smart, military-style epaulets, a stripe down each sleeve, and gold embroidery on the cuffs. A pair of silver wings is pinned to your left breast, just below your name tag. The pressed, pleated pants continue the faux-military look. You are surprised that TRANSGLOBAL AIRLINES spent so much time and effort on designing the uniforms and so little effort verifying your identity before handing it over to you.

Above the chaos in the plane's cabin, you can just make out the automated message, "Please turn off all electronic devices including cell phones and two-way pagers. The flight crew will instruct...

It's got my eye! My eye! I can't see! Get it off me! Get it off me!

...thank you for complying with these regulations, which contribute to everyone's safety." The rest is lost in the screaming.
You examine the wand
Your wand is a mid-19th century Celtic model, passed down to you on your Father's side (who used it to conjure food during the great Irish Potato Famine). It appears to be broken in the disaster, though; you'll have to take a second look.

You hear the sound of metal scraping against metal.
You look at the wand
Once capable of casting nearly any class-N spell, the spell-selector dial seems utterly broken. You're unsure what will happen when you USE WAND ON SOMETHING.

Once capable of casting nearly any class-N spell, the spell-selector dial seems utterly broken. You're unsure what will happen when you USE WAND ON SOMETHING.

From the cabin you hear someone trying to reason with a carnivorous lobster.
You look at your surroundings
A tight, poorly lit, aircraft bathroom. Ordinarily, a welcome refuge from the demanding mortal customers who need to use planes to move from one place to another, but now a safe haven from the carnivorous lobsters infesting the plane. The mirror, toilet, paper roll, and smoke detector are unremarkable. Your uncanny (yet invariably useful) sense of direction tells you that the aft compartment of the plane is to the west.

You can see a bathroom door and a sink (empty) here.
You look at the sink
A small metal bowl with two knobs, marked "hot" and "cold", and a faucet. The sink is bone dry.

There is a plaintive whine from the motors that are supposed to lower the landing gears. Back when the plane had landing gears.
You use the wand on the sink
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you witness the PUSH spell, which sends things to limbo.

The sink suddenly blinks out of existence!

The plane whips back and forth, as if the rudder controls are no longer working properly.
You use the wand on the sink
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you witness the PUSH spell, which sends things to limbo.

The sink suddenly blinks out of existence!
You use the wand on the toilet
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you witness the PUSH spell, which sends things to limbo.

The toilet suddenly blinks out of existence!
You use the wand on yourself
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you realize it's the BALANCE spell, which summons elements to even out a situation.

You hear a strange tingling sound; a large cod fish suddenly materializes.
You get the cod
You're sure it would snap your fingers off if you tried!
You look at the cod
A three-foot long, reddish-brown predatory fish. You guess it weighs at least 25 pounds, and it appears fairly mean and hungry. Crustaceans are its main food. It is not happy to be out of the water.
You unlock door
What do you want to unlock the bathroom door with?
You pull the latch
You yank back and forth on the latch, when you realize that what you really want to do is just open or close it. Clearly, your mind is too powerful for the trivial devices that clutter the meaningless existence of mortals.
Open latch
The latch slips to the side.

The plane whips back and forth, as if the rudder controls are no longer working properly.
You open the door
You open the bathroom door.
You wait
Time passes.
You use the wand on the cod
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you discover it's the JIGGER spell, which un-jams things.

The cod vibrates a bit, but nothing else happens.

The cod struggles on the ground.
You use the wand on the door
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you discover it's the JIGGER spell, which un-jams things.

The bathroom door vibrates a bit, but nothing else happens.
Go east
You stumble and lurch, unable to maintain your tip-toed balance on the sloping floor. Your shoes may be fashionable, but are not very functional when it comes to airplane disasters.
You remove the shoes
You take off the high-heeled shoes.
You remove the shoes
You're not wearing those.

You are thrown against the wall as the plane pitches over violently. The harried passengers are whipped to an ever more desperate state of alarm.
You go west
A cramped storage section in the rear of the plane, where, if you remember correctly, some emergency supplies are supposed to be stored. The floor slopes upward to the economy section. The emergency escape hatch is inset into the wall.

You can see a bathroom door and an equipment bin (closed) here.

The plane slams into the ocean, skipping like a rock, before sinking like one.

The aft section of the plane pitches downward, flipping you sideways. Water jets into the cabin from seams that are not as tight as you had hoped. Moments later, you are ankle-deep in frigid salt water.

Snap, crackle, pop! The big ones are molting. And advancing.
Look around
A cramped storage section in the rear of the plane, where, if you remember correctly, some emergency supplies are supposed to be stored. The floor slopes upward to the economy section. The emergency escape hatch is inset into the wall.

You can see a bathroom door and an equipment bin (closed) here.
You use the wand on yourself
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you watch the POP spell surface, which returns things from limbo.

Out of nowhere, a toilet suddenly appears!

Obviously, someone from the FOB got wind of Meretzky's presence on this flight. Apparently, you guessed wrong about them wanting to recover him alive.
You use the wand on yourself
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you quickly recognize the FREEZE spell, which magically holds things fixed in place.

Luckily, every novice mage learns to repel this effect in first year of academy. The energy dissipates around you.
A bolt of icy-blue lightning shoots from the wand towards yourself, freezing him instantly.

Why lobsters? Why now? It's too much for one Guardian to handle.

Like there is ever a good time for lobsters...
You use the wand on the wand
Your hand tingles as the wand's self-referential recursion dampener sucks the spell back in before it can affect the very wand that cast it.

Lobsters scuttle along the aisle, between seats, provoking screams of fear from the crash survivors.

How clich?d. This may have worked back in the day, but come on. Carnivorous lobsters? Have they no decency? You conclude that they are called the "Forces of Banality" for a good reason.
You open the bin
What lousy equipment. The bin has never been easy to open and seems stuck shut.

Before the magical attack, you had worked your way through most of the economy and business class, but still hadn't located High Wizard Meretzky. You had assumed that he would not be so obvious as to fly first class, but this is not a good day for your assumptions.
Go east
A tight, poorly lit, aircraft bathroom. Ordinarily, a welcome refuge from the demanding mortal customers who need to use planes to move from one place to another, but now a safe haven from the carnivorous lobsters infesting the plane. The mirror, paper roll, and smoke detector are unremarkable. Your uncanny (yet invariably useful) sense of direction tells you that the aft compartment of the plane is to the west.

You can see a bathroom door, a cod, and a sink (empty) here.

The rather large cod swims around, looking for food.
You go to the west
A cramped storage section in the rear of the plane, where, if you remember correctly, some emergency supplies are supposed to be stored. The floor slopes upward to the economy section. The emergency escape hatch is inset into the wall.

You can see a bathroom door and an equipment bin (closed) here.

Two years of deep cover as a stewardess. A bloody stewardess! Waiting hand and foot on these sink holes of attentions. And for what? The biggest failure of your career. If you lose Meretzky, it will be a death blow to The Republic, and nothing will be able to stop the Forces of Banality and their langustinian minions.
You use the wand on the bin
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you witness the PUSH spell, which sends things to limbo.

The equipment bin suddenly blinks out of existence!

The plane shudders, then angles downward just a bit more.

You can't see any such thing.
You look at what you're carrying with you
You are carrying:
a pair of high-heeled shoes
a flight attendant uniform (being worn)
a magic wand
You take off the shoes
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you realize it's the BALANCE spell, which summons elements to even out a situation.

You hear a strange tingling sound; a large cod fish suddenly materializes.

The rather large cod swims around, looking for food.

The cockpit radio crackles to life for a moment, burps static, then falls silent.

You're not wearing those.

The rather large cod swims around, looking for food.

Sobs of the still-living reach your ears; moans you cannot bear to hear.
You use the wand on the uniform
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you discover it's the JIGGER spell, which un-jams things.

The flight attendant uniform vibrates a bit, but nothing else happens.
You use the wand on the uniform
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you watch the POP spell surface, which returns things from limbo.

Out of nowhere, an equipment bin suddenly appears!

A lobster scuttles towards your foot, but you quickly punt it back.
You open the bin
What lousy equipment. The bin has never been easy to open and seems stuck shut.
You use the wand on the bin
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you quickly recognize the FREEZE spell, which magically holds things fixed in place.

A bolt of icy-blue lightning shoots from the wand towards the equipment bin, freezing it instantly.

In response, yourself thaws out.
You look at the wand
Once capable of casting nearly any class-N spell, the spell-selector dial seems utterly broken. You're unsure what will happen when you USE WAND ON SOMETHING.
You use the wand on the self
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you witness the PUSH spell, which sends things to limbo.

You feel sick as the world suddenly turns inside-out.

Uh oh. Not good.

Grey mists swirl around you. You are lost somewhere between universes.

You can see a twinkie and a statuette here.
You get twinkie
Golden brown, and every bit as edible as the day it rolled off the assembly line.

Taken.
You look at the statuette
It abstractly resembles a tornado of some sort. On the bottom is some intricate inscription. There is just enough light here to read it.
You read it
Welcome to Limbo! You may be the unlucky target of an angry mage, but if you believe you arrived here in error, please don't hesitate to file a 951-EZ-5C report with your local dimensional constabulary. Assuming you have a popping spell to exit this place, that is. Have a great day.

Welcome to Limbo! You may be the unlucky target of an angry mage, but if you believe you arrived here in error, please don't hesitate to file a 951-EZ-5C report with your local dimensional constabulary. Assuming you have a popping spell to exit this place, that is. Have a great day.
Keep going
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you discover it's the JIGGER spell, which un-jams things.

Unfortunately, this spell is certainly not enough to get you out of this predicament.
You fix the wand
You are a Guardian of the People's Republic of IF -- not a repairwoman. Besides, you always end up with more parts than you start.
You use wand on the self
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you watch the POP spell surface, which returns things from limbo.

Your head reels as everything turns outside-in again.

A cramped storage section in the rear of the plane, where, if you remember correctly, some emergency supplies are supposed to be stored. The floor slopes upward to the economy section. The emergency escape hatch is inset into the wall.

You can see a bathroom door and an equipment bin (closed) here.
You use the wand on the bathroom door
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you quickly recognize the FREEZE spell, which magically holds things fixed in place.

A bolt of icy-blue lightning shoots from the wand towards the bathroom door, freezing it instantly.

In response, the equipment bin thaws out.
You use the wand on the bin
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you witness the PUSH spell, which sends things to limbo.

The equipment bin suddenly blinks out of existence!
You use the wand on the twinkie
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you witness the PUSH spell, which sends things to limbo.

The twinkie suddenly blinks out of existence!
You use the wand on yourself
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you realize it's the BALANCE spell, which summons elements to even out a situation.

You hear a strange tingling sound; a large cod fish suddenly materializes.

The rather large cod swims around, looking for food.
You use the wand on the bin
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you discover it's the JIGGER spell, which un-jams things.

The equipment bin vibrates for a moment, and suddenly comes unstuck!

The rather large cod swims around, looking for food.
You open the bin
You open the equipment bin, revealing a memo.

Salt water rolls down your cheek and into your mouth.
You read the memo
Flight crew: please be sure that this compartment contains the following items prior to departure:

* First Aid Kit
* Flare Gun
* Emergency Radio
* Crustacean Repellent
* Mountain Climbing Gear
* Shark Defense Cage
* Personal Jet Pack
* Entertainment System, Mark V

The smell of malevolent arthropods burns your nose.
You look in the bin
In the equipment bin is a memo.

The rather large cod swims around, looking for food.
You use the wand on yourself
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you watch the POP spell surface, which returns things from limbo.

Out of nowhere, a twinkie suddenly appears!
You use the wand on the cod
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you quickly recognize the FREEZE spell, which magically holds things fixed in place.

A bolt of icy-blue lightning shoots from the wand towards the cod, freezing him instantly.

In response, the bathroom door thaws out.

The rather large cod swims around, looking for food.
You use the wand on the memo
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you witness the PUSH spell, which sends things to limbo.

The memo suddenly blinks out of existence!
You use the wand on the door
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you witness the PUSH spell, which sends things to limbo.

The bathroom door flickers a moment, but seems immune to the spell. You figure it's probably some sort of built-in safeguard.
You use the wand on memo
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you realize it's the BALANCE spell, which summons elements to even out a situation.

The cod sparks a bit, but nothing happens.
You hear a strange tingling sound; a large cod fish suddenly materializes.

The rather large cod swims around, looking for food.
You use the wand on bin
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you realize it's the BALANCE spell, which summons elements to even out a situation.

The cod sparks a bit, but nothing happens.
You hear a strange tingling sound; a large cod fish suddenly materializes.
You go north
You can't go that way.

The rather large cod swims around, looking for food.
You go south
You can't go that way.

Distant screams echo from elsewhere; the cracking of human skulls by vorpal claws.
You look
A cramped storage section in the rear of the plane, where, if you remember correctly, some emergency supplies are supposed to be stored. The floor slopes upward to the economy section. The emergency escape hatch is inset into the wall.

You can see a cod, a twinkie, a bathroom door, and an equipment bin (in which is a memo) here.
You look at the hatch
A sturdy curved door mounted on heavy internal hinges. For emergency use only, as it says.

You mumble to yourself. How did the Forces of Banality located this plane so quickly? This is definitely above your pay grade.
Up
Row after row of tightly packed seats, with minimal padding, sharp corners, and ratty seat belts. Back in the day, these seats would have come with heavy oars and leg irons. Well, nostalgia will have to wait. You have a plane full of lobsters to deal with, and a High Wizard to find. A movie screen swings above one seat; a closed overhead compartment limits the headroom in this section. Various half-eaten corpses of economy passengers lay strewn about, with crustaceans crawling over many of them.

Over in seat 31A, a schoolmarm-ish woman is attemping to scream in agony, but is too exhausted to make a sound.

You can also see a spiny lobster and a cart here.
You examine the cart
A food cart, meant to be pushed Sisyphus-fashion up and down the aisles of this plane until your penance is complete. It appears to be tilted and solldly wedged against the seats, unmoving.
You use the wand on the cart
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you discover it's
You use the wand on cart
the JIGGER spell, which un-jams things.

The cart vibrates for a moment, and suddenly comes unstuck!

The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you watch the POP spell surface, which returns things from limbo.

Nothing happens.
You get the cart
That's fixed in place.
You pull the cart
It is fixed in place.

Some water drips onto your head from a ceiling leak somewhere.
Go north
A food cart, meant to be pushed Sisyphus-fashion up and down the aisles of this plane until your penance is complete.

You can't go that way.
Go upwards
You're stopped in your tracks by the pitiful moans of the schoolmarm being eaten alive.
You use the wand on lobster
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you watch the POP spell surface, which returns things from limbo.

Nothing happens.

The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you quickly recognize the FREEZE spell, which magically holds things fixed in place.

Alas, this one is too big; you recognize an antimagic aura glowing around it.

The lobsters scuttle and screetch in malicious glee.
You use the wand on the lobster
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you witness the PUSH spell, which sends things to limbo.

Alas, this one is too big; you recognize an antimagic aura glowing around it.
You use the wand on the lobster
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you realize it's the BALANCE spell, which summons elements to even out a situation.

You hear a strange tingling sound; a large cod fish suddenly materializes. The cod looks the spiny lobster over, and decides that its spiky carapace would not be a pleasant chew. In a suprisingly low and rich baritone, the cod says to you, "I can take care of some of the smaller ones -- I'm sure you can handle this one." Before you can fret, he swims under the seats in search of dinner.

A wave of nausea hits you; the smell of human blood and melted butter.
You look at the lobster
A three-foot long spiny lobster gnaws on the schoolmarm's shoulder with wild abandon.

The rather large cod swims around, looking for food.
You examine the schoolmarm
Covered in blood and seawater, her eyes are shell-shocked. She's barely alive.

The rather large cod swims around, looking for food.

You hear the clickety-clack of angry claws somewhere nearby.
You use the wand on the schoolmarm
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you discover it's the JIGGER spell, which un-jams things.

The schoolmarm vibrates a bit, but nothing else happens.

Seriously. When this ordeal is over, you're definitely going to put in for that pay raise.
You use the wand on the schoolmarm
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you watch the POP spell surface, which returns things from limbo.

Nothing happens.

Time is running out. You can hear them splashing closer.
You use the wand on schoolmarm
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you quickly recognize the FREEZE spell, which magically holds things fixed in place.

A bolt of icy-blue lightning shoots from the wand towards the schoolmarm, freezing her instantly.

In response, the cod thaws out.

The rather large cod swims around, looking for food.
You use the wand on the schoolmarm
You can't do that; the schoolmarm appears to be frozen, and thus impervious to all interaction.
You use the wand on the cart
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you quickly recognize the FREEZE spell, which magically holds things fixed in place.

A bolt of icy-blue lightning shoots from the wand towards the cart, freezing it instantly.

In response, the cod thaws out.
You use the wand on the schoolmarm
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you witness the PUSH spell, which sends things to limbo.

The schoolmarm suddenly blinks out of existence!

The rather large cod swims around, looking for food.
You look at lobster
A three-foot long spiny lobster  clicks at you menacingly with huge claws.

The rather large cod swims around, looking for food.
You kill the lobster
Your bare hands are no good here. You need a decent weapon!
Look around
Row after row of tightly packed seats, with minimal padding, sharp corners, and ratty seat belts. A movie screen swings above one seat; a closed overhead compartment limits the headroom in this section. Various half-eaten corpses of economy passengers lay strewn about, with crustaceans crawling over many of them.

You can see a cod, a spiny lobster, and a cart here.
You examine the screen
A dirty gray panel mounted on the overhead compartment. Movies are shown here to take people's minds off how very unpleasant it is to fly economy.

The rather large cod swims around, looking for food.
You open compartment
You open the overhead compartment, revealing a banjo.
You examine the banjo
A Stelling Red Fox model, circa 2006. It glows with bluegrass goodness. You wonder which unfortunate bloke it belonged to.
You get the banjo
The spiny lobster looks fearfully at the banjo.
Up
A stainless steel compartment between the self-absorbed slobs in business class up ahead and the unwashed masses and screaming babies in economy down below. Interestingly, whereas other parts of the plane are sloshing in a foot of water, this area remains totally dry.

On the counter is a microwave (closed).
You open the microwave
A black cat darts out of the microwave, looks around uncertainly, and runs immediately through the wall of the plane.
You turn on the microwave
You switch the microwave on.
Up
Rows of seats that are spaced the way economy seats used to be spaced about five years ago. It is enough to make the gullible mortals feel superior to those in economy, while still stripping them subtly of their humanity. It is your favorite section of the plane.

Northward, a narrow, staircase spirals toward to the first class section. Just above the business class is the bulkhead that leads to the cockpit.

And clearly the vast mass of hungry lobsters have decided to make a final stand against you here. They stop their flesh-feeding, teem and swarm, then all spin around to face you. They take up battle positions along the central aisle. You have no idea how you're going to get past the lobster mob.

The lobster mob pulsates and wiggles threateningly at you, claws at the ready.

You can also see a staircase and a closed bulkhead here.
You examine the bulkhead
A security bulkhead that separates the business section from the flight deck. The bulkhead seems to be jammed shut.
You use the wand on mob
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you realize it's the BALANCE spell, which summons elements to even out a situation.

Your attempt to summon a creature, but the sheer quantity of radiant animal magic overpowers your wand. There will be no summoning in Business class today.
Open bulkhead
The crash must have slightly warped the heavy metal door. It appears to be jammed shut.
You use wand on the bulkhead
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you discover it's the JIGGER spell, which un-jams things.

The closed bulkhead vibrates for a moment, and suddenly comes unstuck!

The hull creaks and groans from stress. You wonder how much time you have.
Up
With the lobster mob there? Are you kidding?
Open bulkhead
You open the open bulkhead.
You examine mob
A heinous conglomeration of angry arthropods ready to defend their territory. And possibly devour your leg in the process.
You examine the bulkhead
A security bulkhead that separates the business section from the flight deck. The bulkhead is open.
You use the wand on mob
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you watch the POP spell surface, which returns things from limbo.

Out of nowhere, a schoolmarm suddenly appears!
You use the wand on the mob
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you quickly recognize the FREEZE spell, which magically holds things fixed in place.

There are just too many of them; the freeze-spell can't handle them all and fizzles out.
A bolt of icy-blue lightning shoots from the wand towards the lobster mob, freezing him instantly.
Go downwards
A stainless steel compartment between the self-absorbed slobs in business class up ahead and the unwashed masses and screaming babies in economy down below. Interestingly, whereas other parts of the plane are sloshing in a foot of water, this area remains totally dry.

On the counter is a microwave (empty).

A wave of nausea hits you; the smell of human blood and melted butter.
Go down
Row after row of tightly packed seats, with minimal padding, sharp corners, and ratty seat belts. A movie screen swings above one seat; an open overhead compartment limits the headroom in this section. Various half-eaten corpses of economy passengers lay strewn about, with crustaceans crawling over many of them.

You can see a broken banjo, a cod, and a cart here.
You put the cod on the cart
You need to be holding the cod before you can put him on top of something else.

The rather large cod swims around, looking for food.

The plane shudders, then angles downward just a bit more.
You get the cod
You're sure it would snap your fingers off if you tried!

Salt water rolls down your cheek and into your mouth.
You use the wand on the cod
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you witness the PUSH spell, which sends things to limbo.

The cod suddenly blinks out of existence!

Seriously. When this ordeal is over, you're definitely going to put in for that pay raise.
You use the wand on the cart
You can't see any such thing.

The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you realize it's the BALANCE spell, which summons elements to even out a situation.

You hear a strange tingling sound; a large cod fish suddenly materializes.

The rather large cod swims around, looking for food.
You use the wand on the cod
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you discover it's the JIGGER spell, which un-jams things.

The cod vibrates a bit, but nothing else happens.
You use the wand on the cod
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you watch the POP spell surface, which returns things from limbo.

Nothing happens.

The rather large cod swims around, looking for food.
You use the wand on the cod
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you quickly recognize the FREEZE spell, which magically holds things fixed in place.

A bolt of icy-blue lightning shoots from the wand towards the cod, freezing him instantly.

The hull creaks and groans from stress. You wonder how much time you have.
You get the cod
You can't do that; the cod appears to be frozen, and thus impervious to all interaction.

Some water drips onto your head from a ceiling leak somewhere.
You put the cod on the cart
You can't do that; the cod appears to be frozen, and thus impervious to all interaction.
You use the wand on the cart
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you quickly recognize the FREEZE spell, which magically holds things fixed in place.

A bolt of icy-blue lightning shoots from the wand towards the cart, freezing it instantly.

The rather large cod swims around, looking for food.
You use the wand on the cod
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you witness the PUSH spell, which sends things to limbo.

The cod suddenly blinks out of existence!
You ascend
A stainless steel compartment between the self-absorbed slobs in business class up ahead and the unwashed masses and screaming babies in economy down below. Interestingly, whereas other parts of the plane are sloshing in a foot of water, this area remains totally dry.

On the counter is a microwave (empty).
Go upward
Rows of seats that are spaced the way economy seats used to be spaced about five years ago. It is enough to make the gullible mortals feel superior to those in economy, while still stripping them subtly of their humanity. It is your favorite section of the plane.

Northward, a narrow, staircase spirals toward to the first class section. Just above the business class is the bulkhead that leads to the cockpit.

Over in seat 31A, a schoolmarm-ish woman is too exhausted to make a sound.

The lobster mob pulsates and wiggles threateningly at you, claws at the ready.

You can also see a staircase and an open bulkhead here.
You use the wand on yourself
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you realize it's the BALANCE spell, which summons elements to even out a situation.

Your attempt to summon a creature, but the sheer quantity of radiant animal magic overpowers your wand. There will be no summoning in Business class today.

You mumble to yourself. How did the Forces of Banality located this plane so quickly? This is definitely above your pay grade.
You use the wand on yourself
The wand glows with energy as you flick it... and you watch the POP spell surface, which returns things from limbo.

Out of nowhere, a cod suddenly appears!

Fedora-brimmed lobster mobsters snear at the lone cod, like bullies on a playgroud. The mob boss, a three-and-a-half pounder with only one claw, steps forward, gesturing wildly with the Gl?ck in his good claw.

"Well," he taunts, "if it ain't the natural enemy of the lobster, Gadus morhua, the Atlantic Cod." At the mention of his taxonomic classification, some of the younger lobsters looks worried, their antennae flitting back and forth in concern. The boss continues brashly, "Boys, I think tonight's main dish is... sushi!

The boss looks back at his mob, and there is a murmur of agreement. Before the boss is done gloating, however, the  fish pulls a modified Kalashnikov assault rifle from its bulky trenchcoat.

One of the hench-lobsters barely has time to say, "Boss, watch out for the cod piece!" before the silver-scaled avenger lets loose with a barrage of phosphor-tipped rounds, which both cook and mince the lobster meat into a tasty salad. The passengers in the business section, who are used to such things, merely assume it is the inflight meal, and quickly polish off the remains of the former gang.

The cod, having rebalanced the karmic forces of the universe, happily blinks out of existence.

You hear the clickety-clack of angry claws somewhere nearby.
Look around
Rows of seats that are spaced the way economy seats used to be spaced about five years ago. It is enough to make the gullible mortals feel superior to those in economy, while still stripping them subtly of their humanity. It is your favorite section of the plane.

Northward, a narrow, staircase spirals toward to the first class section. Just above the business class is the bulkhead that leads to the cockpit.

Over in seat 31A, a schoolmarm-ish woman is too exhausted to make a sound.

You can also see a staircase and an open bulkhead here.
Up
A cone-shaped room bristling with those blinking lights and other technical knick-knacks that mortals consider fancy. You notice immediately that there isn't anyone in cockpit -- no pilot, no copilot, no navigator or engineer. Ironically, you realize that you are the most senior member of the crew, and you're not even a real stewardess.

You can see an open bulkhead here.
Go downward
Rows of seats that are spaced the way economy seats used to be spaced about five years ago. It is enough to make the gullible mortals feel superior to those in economy, while still stripping them subtly of their humanity. It is your favorite section of the plane.

Northward, a narrow, staircase spirals toward to the first class section. Just above the business class is the bulkhead that leads to the cockpit.

Over in seat 31A, a schoolmarm-ish woman is too exhausted to make a sound.

You can also see an open bulkhead and a staircase here.
You go north
As you climb sideways into the First Class cabin, you are not surprised by the sight of its sole occupant: an unusually tall man in flamboyant chartreuse robes. He stands paradoxically upright despite the steep tilt of the deck. With an effortless wave of one hand, he dispels an attacking Arch Grue.

Stunned by the realization that you are mere feet from High Wizard Steve Meretzky (on a carnivorous lobster-infested sinking plane), you are momentarily speechless.
You talk to Meretzky
The great wizard pauses a moment from smiting the lobsters near his ankles and takes notice of you for the first time.

Fixed in his intense gaze, you stutter, "High Wizard Meretzky, your honor," your voice slips up an octave, and you hope you don't come across as too much of a fangirl. You make an effort to slow down and appear dignified, "I was sent by the Republic to see that you reach the Summit safely."

Meretzky appears amused, "Yeah? And how's that going?" He deftly flicks his wand and the giant lobster that was sneaking up on you disappears in a puff of smoke. Becoming more serious, he explains, "I'm afraid we're surrounded by an antimagic shell. Not even I am powerful enough to penetrate it. Our only hope is to get a message out to the Republic... You lead, I'll take up the rear. You can never be too careful with grues and lobsters, you know."
Go south
The High Wizard follows you silently.
Up
You burst into the cockpit, and Steve follows close behind you, laying down some magical suppressing fire with his wand. Shards of chitin fly through the air.

You scan the control panel for anything that looks like a radio, but you are just not familiar with mortal technology. Steve sees your confusion and reaches over to a side panel, flipping a switch marked "IF Filter". There is a burst of static.

The High Wizard points to the panel and says, "It should work now. Press the orange button to transmit. It won't help though," he remarks with a sigh, "it would take incredible power to penetrate the magical barrier around this plane. I'm sorry to say that beings that powerful have not existed since the Early Times. Not to put a damper on things, but -- we're doomed." With a hint of resignation, he adds, "well, at least you can say good-bye."
You check what you're carrying
You are carrying:
a pair of high-heeled shoes
a flight attendant uniform (being worn)
a magic wand

Snap, crackle, pop! The big ones are molting. And advancing.
Go downward
From behind you, you hear the sizzle of Meretzky's wand.
Go south
You can't go that way.

The lobsters scuttle and screetch in malicious glee.
Go downwards
From behind you, you hear the sizzle of Meretzky's wand.

The hull creaks and groans from stress. You wonder how much time you have.
You look
Row after row of tightly packed seats, with minimal padding, sharp corners, and ratty seat belts. A movie screen swings above one seat; an open overhead compartment limits the headroom in this section. Various half-eaten corpses of economy passengers lay strewn about, with crustaceans crawling over many of them.

You can see a broken banjo and a cart here.
Down
Meretzky follows you, taking pot shots at lobsters with his wand as he does so. Lobster pot shots.
You look
A cramped storage section in the rear of the plane, where, if you remember correctly, some emergency supplies are supposed to be stored. The floor slopes upward to the economy section. The emergency escape hatch is inset into the wall.

You can see a bathroom door, a twinkie, and an equipment bin (in which is a memo) here.
You get the twinkie
Taken.
You examine the twinkie
Golden brown, and every bit as edible as the day it rolled off the assembly line.
You look at the twinkie
Golden brown, and every bit as edible as the day it rolled off the assembly line.

Distant screams echo from elsewhere; the cracking of human skulls by vorpal claws.
Up
Steve follows closely behind you.

A lobster scuttles towards your foot, but you quickly punt it back.
You look
Row after row of tightly packed seats, with minimal padding, sharp corners, and ratty seat belts. A movie screen swings above one seat; an open overhead compartment limits the headroom in this section. Various half-eaten corpses of economy passengers lay strewn about, with crustaceans crawling over many of them.

You can see a broken banjo and a cart here.
Up
Meretzky follows you, taking pot shots at lobsters with his wand as he does so. Lobster pot shots.
Up
The High Wizard follows you silently.

The smell of malevolent arthropods burns your nose.
You look
Rows of seats that are spaced the way economy seats used to be spaced about five years ago. It is enough to make the gullible mortals feel superior to those in economy, while still stripping them subtly of their humanity. It is your favorite section of the plane.

Northward, a narrow, staircase spirals toward to the first class section. Just above the business class is the bulkhead that leads to the cockpit.

Over in seat 31A, a schoolmarm-ish woman is too exhausted to make a sound.

You can also see a staircase and an open bulkhead here.
You look
A cone-shaped room bristling with those blinking lights and other technical knick-knacks that mortals consider fancy.

You can see an open bulkhead here.
You go to the west
The undulating spiral walls of the vortex rotate hypnotically, drawing you in. It crackles with actinic lightning flashes.

At the far end of the tunnel a great figure holds the vortex open, his hands held above his head like Moses parting the Red Sea. His salt-and-pepper ponytail flaps behind him in arising maelstrom. You have only heard tell of him in legends, but there is no doubt in your mind that the figure is none other than Don Woods, one of the Fathers of the Genre.

Even with his great power, Woods is struggling to hold the portal open. In each of his mighty fists, he has gathered bundles of ethernet cords, which lead away in every direction. Woods calls upon the power of the Internet itself, tapping into the raw flow of energy from the IFwiki, IFDb, IFMud, and Baf's guide, Brass Lantern, and R.A.I.F. He reaches out through the thousands of works of interactive fiction in the repository, all the way back the original Adventure. He draws on the pleasure and sense of challenge felt by the millions who have ever played a text adventure, and channels it into the whirling vortex. As sweat pours from his brow, he beckons you forward.
You go west
An extradimensional wormhole which snakes back and forth chaotically. It connects the cockpit of the plane somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean with the Hynes Convention Center in Boston, Massachusetts. The end of the tube leading back to the plane is shrinking.

Don Woods strains to maintain the wormhole through time and space.
You look at your surroundings
It is pitch dark. The audience eagerly awaits the premier of a documentary, which will chronicle the history of interactive fiction.
You get the lamp
Taken.

You are transported to a place of brightness and comraderie.

On the desk is a laptop.
You examine the laptop
A plain black laptop, its keys polished smooth with use. On the screen, a text adventure awaits you.
You read the laptop
The laptop screen looks odd -- smaller and smaller echoes of itself trailing off into the distance.

The game banner prints. It's odd name (something about lobsters) is typical of hastily written speedIF. Still, it might be worth playing.

You decide to give it the benefit of the doubt and start typing in commmands. Friends gather around you to see what you are doing, making occassional comments as you trip over your high-heels and learn to use your wand.

Congratulations, player. You are home.

Would you like to RESTART, RESTORE a saved game, or QUIT?
Tree
compass (6)
the north
the northeast
the northwest
the south
the southeast
the southwest
the east
the west
the up
the down
the inside
the outside
(LibraryMessages) (7)
(darkness object) (8)
(Inform Parser) (9)
(Inform Library) (10)
(property_numberspace_forcer) (11)
(ValuePropertyHolder) (31)
Room 2305 (44)
people
floor
yourself
high-heeled shoes
flight attendant uniform
magic wand
twinkie
silver wings
name tag
desk
laptop
Truck Stop (55)
triangle of canine obedience
barbeque tongs
escape pod
Goblin's Lair (59)
fuzzy dice
Helmet of Total Information Awareness
fish tank tubing
Ambulance (63)
goggles of alchemy
leather breeches of etiquette
bottle opener
Aft Cargo Bay (67)
cocktail shaker
rune stones of recent acquaintance
Madagascar Dragon Tree
Orcish pie
wedding ring
Sheriff's Office (73)
kitchen apron
diving helmet
can of beans
Attic (77)
bobby pin
You take off the uniform
You take off the flight attendant uniform.
You examine People
Members of the IF community. They are urging you to try out the game on the laptop.
Tree
compass (6)
the north
the northeast
the northwest
the south
the southeast
the southwest
the east
the west
the up
the down
the inside
the outside
(LibraryMessages) (7)
(darkness object) (8)
(Inform Parser) (9)
(Inform Library) (10)
(property_numberspace_forcer) (11)
(ValuePropertyHolder) (31)
Room 2305 (44)
people
floor
yourself
high-heeled shoes
flight attendant uniform
magic wand
twinkie
silver wings
name tag
desk
laptop
Copying Room (55)
crowbar
wad of chewing gum
beanstalk seeds
unicycle
Aix-la-Chapelle (60)
corn cob pipe
Paving Stone of Good Intention
kinky outfit
stovied totties
Death Star, Command Deck (65)
earmuffs of stealth
can of depilatory cream (empty)
potion of chicken splendor
Changing Room (69)
waffle iron
theatrical handcuffs
drink coasters
garden weasel
The Khan's Pleasure Suite (74)
ballista
glockenspiel of prismatic monkey
caving gear
Footbridge (78)
soap-on-a-rope
men at work sign
Trash-strewn Alley (81)
escargot forks
accordion of gold
cantalope (half eaten)
irony detector
Purloin earmuffs
You are too old-school for that -- purloining would offend your Lawful Good alignment. You resist the brief wave of kleptomania.
Gonear trophy
Your teleport spell fizzles.
About yourself
Four-hundred and eighty-six years, and you look like a supermodel (even more so, without your clothes). That's partly due to your inherently superior breeding, and partly attributable to the plastic surgery, cybernetic implants and magical enhancements all courtesy of The Republic.
Sing
Your singing is abominable.
You jump
You jump on the spot, fruitlessly.
Darn
Quite.
Actions
[the actions action - succeeded].
Rules
Rules tracing now switched "on". Type "rules" to switch it off again.
You look
A room full of people who you have known from emails, usenet posts, forum discussions, chats on the IFmud, and of course, through their games. There are pockets of discussion about text adventures played in the past, and interactive fiction to be written in the future. The overall impression is one of warmth and welcomeness.

On the desk is a laptop.

[Rule "offer to write a paragraph about something, but don't really mean it" applies.]
[Rule "things that man should not know" applies.]
[Rule "Heisenburg uncertainty principle for objects other than cats" applies.]