The Bean Stalker
Jack Welch
barbarian bird casino cow economy fantasy farm golf hotel Mom ogre parser political short game walkthrough ZIL source available
Caught in an economic downturn, can Jack leverage his starving cow and climb the economic ladder?
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After the magical wall was erected around the kingdom, the cost of farm labor skyrocketed as workers from the enchanted forest and fairy prairie were no longer able to cross the border to find jobs. You and your mom were squeaking by until she became sick. Unable to afford insurance, you have had to sell off your assets one by one to keep the farm going.

Now you are down to your final cow, good old Bessy.

Not much is left of the farm, just the tumble down shack you call home and an old stable. The town is off to the west.

Bessy the cow anxiously chews her last wad of cud.
You check your inventory
You are empty-handed.
You take the cow
You pick up the cow.
You examine the cow
Thanks to years of malnutrition, the stunted cow is the size of a chihuahua.
Go west
On the seedier side of town, the windows of the pawn shop are plastered with signs: Paychecks Cashed, BUY AND SELL GOLD, Top Price for Cows! Your farm is back to the east.

Greasy and perpetually hung over, the proprietor of the pawnshop, Yagmar the Barbarian, stands behind a counter and brims with avarice.
You look at Yagmar
Seven foot four and 520 pounds. Obey.
Kiss yagmar
How is that in the least bit a desirable thing to do?
You talk to Yagmar
"You got stuff to trade? Give it to me. Then I give you stuff. Then you leave. That's how it works."
You give the cow to Yagmar
Yagmar looks sideways at the pint-sized cow.

"Kind of scrawny, but I'll take it. Let's see. Here, take one of these. Now scram."

He hands you a somewhat shriveled but vaguely magical legume.
You look at the bean
The bean glows faintly. It is either magical or radioactive.
Plant bean
When the bean touches the soil, it burrows in furiously, ejecting dirt in all directions. After a moment, the ground shakes and a massive beanstalk shoots upward.
You examine the stalk
The beanstalk towers over your farm and for that matter, the town as well.

Down the road, you expect you'll be getting some angry letters from the homeowner's association.
Go upward
You climb up the bean stalk, which goes on and on. Eventually, you push through the clouds and find yourself poking through a lawn.

A lush and rambling golf course with a red-carpeted cloud-top path leading west to the casino. Off to the east, the golf course is surrounded by luscious cumulus clouds.

Some immigrant geese wander the carefully tended lawn brazenly.

There is a goose turd here.
You examine the turd
As goose droppings go, this is a fine one.
You get the turd
You pick up the goose turd.
You go to the west
A glitzy casino entirely covered in gold leaf and flashing neon. The game floor is just to the west.

A doddering ogre, covered in cheddar powder and sporting a bad comb over, stands just outside the gilded doors of the casino.
You talk to the ogre
"Let me give you some advice, do you want some advice? Of course you do, you're saying, I wonder what advice he has to give me, and now I'm giving it to you, so you should listen because they say my advice is the best advice. I give the best advice, because when I am telling people things, about advice, they all say, he has the best advice. So, my advice is that you get those birds, those horrible, they're not ducks, you know. Ducks are patriotic. There are television shows about ducks, and I saw one last week, so this is not at all about ducks. Those birds are geese, and I have had it up to here, right here, with them. So, if you get rid of them, then maybe we can talk."
Go east
A lush and rambling golf course with a red-carpeted cloud-top path leading west to the casino. Off to the east, the golf course is surrounded by luscious cumulus clouds.

Some immigrant geese wander the carefully tended lawn brazenly.
You take the geese
The geese flutter about clearly avoiding you.
You go to the east
As there are no safety nets in the kingdom, you fall through the fluffy clouds and land right where you started: in the dirt.

Not much is left of the farm, just the tumble down shack you call home and an old stable. The town is off to the west.

A humongous green beanstalk with broad, leathery leaves reaches up through the clouds.
Go west
On the seedier side of town, the windows of the pawn shop are plastered with signs: Paychecks Cashed, BUY AND SELL GOLD, Top Price for Cows! Your farm is back to the east.

Greasy and perpetually hung over, the proprietor of the pawnshop, Yagmar the Barbarian, stands behind a counter and brims with avarice.
You give the turd to Yagmar
Yagmar squints at the ignoble lump of goose excrement on the counter and raises an eyebrow.

"And what exactly am I supposed to do with *that*?" he inquires, pointing towards it with an accusatory index finger.

"It's a souvenir from the casino," you say, trying to sound upbeat. "It's worth it's weight..."

Before you can finish, the barbarian swipes the turd from his counter top and produces Bessy. "Whatever it is, it's guaranteed to be worth more than this viscious miniature cow of yours, which eats like a horse. Here. Take it and get out of here."
Go east
Not much is left of the farm, just the tumble down shack you call home and an old stable. The town is off to the west.

A humongous green beanstalk with broad, leathery leaves reaches up through the clouds.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a cow
Go upwards
You climb up the bean stalk, which goes on and on. Eventually, you push through the clouds and find yourself poking through a lawn.

A lush and rambling golf course with a red-carpeted cloud-top path leading west to the casino. Off to the east, the golf course is surrounded by luscious cumulus clouds.

Some immigrant geese wander the carefully tended lawn brazenly.
You drop the cow
As the diminutive cow lands on her spindly legs, she emits a yappy "moo".

Driven by the sort of blood lust that one rarely sees in cows, Bessy rips across the lawn after the geese. The geese erupt into flight and settle a short distance away on a cloud bank. From that safe harbor, they honk mockingly at Bessy, who stands at the very edge of the lawn vibrating with anger and yapping madly at them.
You go to the west
A glitzy casino entirely covered in gold leaf and flashing neon. The game floor is just to the west.

A doddering ogre, covered in cheddar powder and sporting a bad comb over, stands just outside the gilded doors of the casino.
You talk to the ogre
"You did well on the goose job, very, very well," the ogre confides with a wink. "This might work out for you. It could be great. Tell you what, if you can show me that you can pull off the kind of deal that I would make myself, I'll not only let you into the casino, I'll hire you on the spot."
You go west
The ogre refuses to let you enter, but gives you some advice.

"You did well on the goose job, very, very well," the ogre confides with a wink. "This might work out for you. It could be great. Tell you what, if you can show me that you can pull off the kind of deal that I would make myself, I'll not only let you into the casino, I'll hire you on the spot."
You go to the east
A lush and rambling golf course with a red-carpeted cloud-top path leading west to the casino. Off to the east, the golf course is surrounded by luscious cumulus clouds.

Accustomed to starvation, the jittery cow stares unblinkingly into space.

The non-indigenous fowl cluck and bristle with indignity from atop the neighboring clouds, while they keep a suspicious eye on your cow.
You get the cow
Now obsessed with her mortal enemies, the geese, Bessy snaps at you menacingly as you get near her. Since you value your hands, you let the murderous cow be. She growls at the birds, her rage barely contained.
Go downward
You can't find the spot where you had climbed up from the beanstalk. The incredibly vigorous lawn must have grown back over the hole.
Go east
As there are no safety nets in the kingdom, you fall through the fluffy clouds and land right where you started: in the dirt.

Not much is left of the farm, just the tumble down shack you call home and an old stable. The town is off to the west.

You haven't seen your mom out of her sick bed in years, but there she is carving furrows in the soil with the stub of a twisted stick, literally scratching out a meager existence.

A humongous green beanstalk with broad, leathery leaves reaches up through the clouds.
You get the mom
You pick her up like a bundle of kindling.
Go west
On the seedier side of town, the windows of the pawn shop are plastered with signs: Paychecks Cashed, BUY AND SELL GOLD, Top Price for Cows! Your farm is back to the east.

Greasy and perpetually hung over, the proprietor of the pawnshop, Yagmar the Barbarian, stands behind a counter and brims with avarice.
You sell mom
[to Yagmar]
Yagmar looks her over appraisingly, pokes at her a bit with a soup spoon, and shoves her in a sack.

"Done and done," he says, rubbing his hands together. "Haven't had one of these in a while, so tell you what I'm going to do."

He reaches around the back of the counter and pulls out a fine Italian three-piece suit with fine pinstripes. Very chic. Stunned, you try it on immediately. It fits to a tee. No one will ever mistake you for a lowly farm hand again, by God.
You look at the suit
A fancy business suit, sharply tailored and top quality.
You wear the suit
You already have that.
Go east
Not much is left of the farm, just the tumble down shack you call home and an old stable. The town is off to the west.

A humongous green beanstalk with broad, leathery leaves reaches up through the clouds.
You go upwards
You climb up the bean stalk, which goes on and on. Eventually, you push through the clouds and find yourself poking through a lawn.

A lush and rambling golf course with a red-carpeted cloud-top path leading west to the casino. Off to the east, the golf course is surrounded by luscious cumulus clouds.

Accustomed to starvation, the jittery cow stares unblinkingly into space.

The non-indigenous fowl cluck and bristle with indignity from atop the neighboring clouds, while they keep a suspicious eye on your cow.
You go to the west
A glitzy casino entirely covered in gold leaf and flashing neon. The game floor is just to the west.

A doddering ogre, covered in cheddar powder and sporting a bad comb over, stands just outside the gilded doors of the casino.
You talk to the ogre
"Hang on a minute," the ogre says, holding up a tiny finger as he talks into his cell phone. "His own mother? Fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. He's here now. Talk later, Yagmar."

The ogre pats you on the head, leaving a orange powdery outline of his palm on your forehead. "Just want to say, what you did, I am so, so impressed. Hugely. Impressed. You're one of us now, come right on in, just over there, to the west. See the door? To the casino? That way."
You go west
Having impressed the ogre by literally selling your own mother, you walk triumphantly towards the casino. A smartly dressed steward comes out to greet you and leads you towards the building.

But he keeps walking: around the entrance to the game floor, back behind the parking ramp, down past the laundry area, and finally into the hotel through a rusty door at the rear of the building.

"Congratulations," he says gleefully, handing you a dish towel, "and welcome to senior management."

A tower of dirty dishes looms next to you, tilting precariously alongside an industrial-sized sink fully of opaque, gray water in the steamy hotel kitchen.

****  The game is over  ****