Mammoth Vacuum Button of Death
Daniel Airey
Penultimate not numbered Speed IF
I am sitting on a red and black checkered blanket in the middle of a beautiful meadow. A giant (i. e. the size of your ugly gut) cake waits infront of me. For no explainable reason whatsoever, a note has been left on the cake. It reads 'THERE WILL BE CAKE, SO YOU SHOULD EAT IT. From Father'. Blatant Portal (TM) reference aside, I reckon 'Father' is onto something. Any excuse to eat cake right?
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I am sitting on a red and black checkered blanket in the middle of a beautiful meadow. A giant (i.e. the size of your ugly gut) cake waits infront of me. For no explainable reason whatsoever, a note has been left on the cake. It reads 'THERE WILL BE CAKE, SO YOU SHOULD EAT IT. From Father'. Blatant Portal (TM) reference aside, I reckon 'Father' is onto something. Any excuse to eat cake right?
About yourself
I am as well as can be expected, considering the circumstances.
You eat the cake
You eat half of the delicious cake, revealing a small key in the other half.
Plugh
What are you on about?
You take the key
BOOM! I'm dead! Just kidding. I took the key (just like that sly jock from highschool called 'TOM' took your sisters virginity). Wait...WHAT'S HAPPENING!?!? Oh...I'm just waking up...
Solitary Cell
I'm in my cell. The same cell I've been in for 8 years. My semen-soaked sheets lay strewn over the cold concrete floor. Years of food trays are stacked in the corner. To the north I can see the bane of my existence. THE DOOR. Metal. Cold. Featureless (apart from the tiny keyhole). Void of personality (much like your wife). Ugly (refer to previous). My main road-block to freedom.
You look at what you're carrying with you
I am carrying a key.
You look at the key
A tiny (i.e. the size of your brain) key with the word 'SOLITARY' engraved on the head.
You unlock door
Unlocked! The dim, grey glimmer of light from the hallway sails into your cramped asylum cell.
North
I move north.
Utterly Pointless Hallway
Seriously? Why do they even put these hallways in games? It's simply a bore to trudge through lengths of non-descript hall. I don't see why the game creator didn't just make the cell connect straight to the guard station, which, if you're wondering is north of here. No, there's no other way to go, because I've only got two hours to make this damn game, and can't start throwing in rooms willy-nilly with no regard whatsoever to my semi self-imposed time restraints. So make your damn choice. You can either go south, and wallow in self-pity in your pathetic little cell, or GO NORTH TO ENTER THE GUARD STATION.
You go to the north
I move north.
Guard Station
A guard sits infront of a row of buttons, of which one is clearly labelled in bigger-than-your-penis letters saying 'UNLOCK'. A metal door sits to the west, with a sign saying 'EXIT' above it. I can tell it's locked. The important doors/exits are always locked in games like this. Looks like I'll need to solve some kind of nonsensical puzzle to open it, unless I kill myself out of frustration at the incredibly impossible-without-a-walkthrough difficulty first. I guess I could always start by talking to the guard?
Look around
A guard sits infront of a row of buttons, of which one is clearly labelled in bigger-than-your-penis letters saying 'UNLOCK'. A metal door sits to the west, with a sign saying 'EXIT' above it. I can tell it's locked. The important doors/exits are always locked in games like this. Looks like I'll need to solve some kind of nonsensical puzzle to open it, unless I kill myself out of frustration at the incredibly impossible-without-a-walkthrough difficulty first. I guess I could always start by talking to the guard?
You talk to Guard
"You shouldn't be out of your cell! But.....seeing as it's just us....on our own.....I'd like you to show me something....if you know what I mean..."
You think you know exactly what he means....
You talk to Guard
No-one listens to my rabblings.
You push the button
I don't understand what you want to do with Guard.

Guard: "Get your hot sexy ass away from that button!"
You sleep with Guard
Zzzzz. Bored are you?
You examine Guard
Just a regular guard....but...he seems a bit odd....in a queer sort of way......
Look around
A guard sits infront of a row of buttons, of which one is clearly labelled in bigger-than-your-penis letters saying 'UNLOCK'. A metal door sits to the west, with a sign saying 'EXIT' above it. I can tell it's locked. The important doors/exits are always locked in games like this. Looks like I'll need to solve some kind of nonsensical puzzle to open it, unless I kill myself out of frustration at the incredibly impossible-without-a-walkthrough difficulty first. I guess I could always start by talking to the guard?
Punch guard
Who do you think you are, Mike Tyson?
West
The security door is locked. I bet that big juicy button over there infront of the guard opens it.
You show the penis to Guard
Turns out all those long night shifts has turned this guard's sexuality sideways. He's passing out in his excitement, right infront of my rockin' naked body. I don't even want to guess what he's dreaming about.
Guard Station
The guard is lying unconscious at my feet, leaving the 'UNLOCK' button free for the pushing! With the guard out of the way, you also spot a small blue button, which upon further inspection is labelled 'Mammoth Vacuum'. Hmm.....sounds dangerous....
You go to the west
I move west.
Utterly Pointless Hallway #2
Are you kidding me? No seriously? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Was there too much concrete when they were building this place? Did they have to use up the extra materials because some lazy bugger couldn't be bothered dumping it, or taking it to his next building site? OR WAS IT THE GAME CREATOR AGAIN!? Is he trying to stall me, so I take the extra time to read this, thus making the game SEEM longer and have 'more depth'? Or is he merely adding these pointless rooms to give himself the opportunity for a good ol' game-industry social commentary, which questions the use of boring, actionless, storyless, and ultimately POINTLESS sections of gameplay to pad out the length of a designer's pathetically short game?
Hmm, na, can't be that. Regardless, the exit to the foyer is to the south.
You go south
I move south.
Foyer
A typical foyer. You know the kind. The type that you waited in while Aunt Maggie had one of her kidneys removed, or while Grandpa Joe acquired a new set of false teeth. There's an ENTIRELY HETEROSEXUAL guard sitting behind the desk, keeping an eye on the exit to the west (a.k.a your freedom).
You go west
Heterosexual guard: "Get your astoundingly non-sexy ass away from that door! You can't go through there unless you're a guard like me or my buddy at the guard station!"
You go north
I move north.
Utterly Pointless Hallway #2
Look around
Are you kidding me? No seriously? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Was there too much concrete when they were building this place? Did they have to use up the extra materials because some lazy bugger couldn't be bothered dumping it, or taking it to his next building site? OR WAS IT THE GAME CREATOR AGAIN!? Is he trying to stall me, so I take the extra time to read this, thus making the game SEEM longer and have 'more depth'? Or is he merely adding these pointless rooms to give himself the opportunity for a good ol' game-industry social commentary, which questions the use of boring, actionless, storyless, and ultimately POINTLESS sections of gameplay to pad out the length of a designer's pathetically short game?
Hmm, na, can't be that. Regardless, the exit to the foyer is to the south.
You go east
I move east.
Guard Station
Strip guard
I remove the guards clothes (doing a better job than your sister, despite all her experience), and put them on myself.
You examine Guard
He's lying unconscious, dreaming about my pubic hair.
You go to the west
I move west.
Utterly Pointless Hallway #2
You go to the south
I move south.
Foyer
Look around
A typical foyer. You know the kind. The type that you waited in while Aunt Maggie had one of her kidneys removed, or while Grandpa Joe acquired a new set of false teeth. There's an ENTIRELY HETEROSEXUAL guard sitting behind the desk, keeping an eye on the exit to the west (a.k.a your freedom).
You go west
I'm free. After many testing trials, I'm finally free. But who is this mysterious 'Father' who delivered the key to my cell in my dream? There's something strange about this. I must investigate. I will find you 'Father', or my name ain't Luke Skywalker.