The Tale of the Kissing Bandit
J. Robinson Wheeler
cover art kissing linear Mini-comp parser romance SmoochieComp Xyzzy Awards 2001 XYZZY Best Individual PC
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The grand ballroom is awhirl with colour and gaiety on this, the night of the annual Governor's Ball. All of the choice mademoiselles are spinning in their lace finery, bewitching upright young suitors, lined up five deep to kiss a wrist.

The Kissing Bandit has other plans, though. First, he must be cautious. Find a fetching femme who has parted from her company, to rest alone in a shaded alcove. Or perhaps take a stroll on the veranda. Yes, perhaps... ah, you twirl your moustaches with delight. The Kissing Bandit shall have no trouble tonight finding a pair of pert lips, ready for a stolen kiss...

[Hit return or space to continue.]
Twirl moustache
You twirl your moustaches. Ha-HA!
You examine the moustache
The moustache conceals your identity and adds a touch of melodrama to the Kissing Bandit's appearance, you do think.

A lovely young demoiselle, looking in her ruffled ball gown like a plenteous dish of peaches and whipped cream, parts from the general company. Fanning herself, she retreats to the west.
About you
Ha-HA! No one will ever guess the identity of the Kissing Bandit! Not even... uh... yourself!
You kiss yourself
The Kissing Bandit kiss himself? Preposterous!
You look at Wellingtons
Which do you mean, the London Wellingtons or the Boston Wellingtons?
Go west
Grand Ballroom, southwest corner
This corner of the ballroom is cool and shaded, with a russet portico leading west to a series of private salons.

Young Peaches-and-Cream stands here, fanning herself lightly.
You look at the Peaches
Why, it's little Lily Whitestone herself! She's chanced to escape the plump pursed lips of the Kissing Bandit on other occasions... but no one ever escapes your kisses for long!
Inventory
You are carrying:
a black mask (being worn)
a fake moustache (being worn)
a pair of buckled boots (being worn)
a velvet cloak (being worn)
a rakish hat (being worn)
a locket (being worn and closed)
a grouch bag (being worn)
You examine the grouch
The grouch bag is special; a magician once gave it to you in return for helping him escape from persecutors. It is small and light, made of oiled leather. You have found that it can hold many things, including your entire costume -- cloak, boots, and all.

You find nothing of interest.
You look at the hat
The rakish hat is becomingly sly.
Doff hat
You take off the rakish hat.
You wear it
You put on the rakish hat.
You examine the boots
Ah, these are magic boots, boots full of secrets. They allow the Kissing Bandit to move swiftly and silently; to sneak and to steal close without detection; to climb and jump like a jackrabbit; and to run with the fleetness of quicksilver.
You look at the mask
The black mask protects your identity.
Twirl moustache
You twirl your moustaches. Ha-HA!
Dance
You dance in an intoxicated swirl for a few minutes, and then return, laughing, to where you started.
You look at your surroundings
Grand Ballroom, southwest corner
This corner of the ballroom is cool and shaded, with a russet portico leading west to a series of private salons.

Lily Whitestone is here.
Kiss lily
You steal closer, closer, closer... and plant a juicy one right on her gleaming rosebud lips! She makes a tiny squealing noise that stops short, her lips tighten as her face pulls into a smile.

Lily Whitestone, a smiler -- imagine!

But, now it is time to flee. With a twirl of your cape and a bow, you steal away into the night...

[Hit return or space to continue.]
Garden park
The luscious gardens, abloom in the early spring, send forth their heady aromas on the nuzzling breezes. Aloft, too, are the erotic perfumes of the finely dressed ladies in white, walking two by two in the early eve, innocent as does, poised as summer swans.

A choice maiden sits alone on a bench, reading a steamy novel by gaslight. Mwuhaha-HA! The Smooching Bandit has chosen his second of the evening. A burning buss on those pink smackers will do, will surely do...
You examine novel
You recognise it at once, for it is penned by your own hand! A great, passionate work, published under a pseudonym, of course. And here sits one of your captive audience, immersed in the florid prose of Chapter 10! If only she knew... ha-HA! If only she knew!
You examine lips
Blushed and full... She bites them softly as she reads...
You ask maiden about the novel
The Kissing Bandit prefers to refrain from conversation, to preserve the mystery...
You get novel
That seems to belong to the maiden.
You examine the locket
The locket is made of carved gold, inlaid with delicate ornaments. You can't see inside, since the locket is closed.
You open the locket
Opening the locket reveals a silhouette and a tiny lock of brown hair.

Ah! Your heart breaks once again over your one true lost love! Fair Marianne, twas you that spurned my love, flaming a fury that turned one simple boy into this dashing rogue, that steals kisses by night! If only I could find you...
You examine silhouette
It is a silhouette of Marianne, the fair creature that broke your heart. It is the only image you have of her. Even your memories of her face have been blurred by tears.
You examine the lock
A lock of Marianne's hair. The gently curved strands catch the light in autumn colours of brown, red, and gold.
Kiss silhouette
You kiss the silhouette; it is, alas, a pale imitation. It leaves ashes in your mouth.
You shout in the maiden's lughole
(to the maiden)
That isn't something you can talk to.
Dance
You dance in an intoxicated swirl for a few minutes, and then return, laughing, to where you started.
Kiss maiden
Ah, before the kiss, you must sneak! Sneak east, then around the tree, then up from behind...
Sneak
You sneak east. The pale line of the maiden's neck glows in the twilight. Perhaps the Kissing Bandit should kiss the neck, not the lips? Ah...!

The Bandit stations himself sneakily behind a tree. The maiden stirs, looks left and right, but not behind. Her head tilts down again, her eyes on the page. The Bandit's eyes are on her shoulders, spilling down their slopes. The benchwood blocks further views -- until a slight movement reveals the slender crescent of her neck once again.

Time now to steal forward. The sneaking is the best part.
You steal
(a kiss)
Where do you want to kiss her, on her graceful neck or on her rosy lips?
Lips
You lean around, catching her by surprise! Your mouths touch, but the maiden resists! Your puckered lips frighten her, and why shouldn't they?

"The Bandit! The Bandit!" she shrieks. So -- she has heard of the Kissing Bandit! You cannot help but be flattered, and so you smile. At the sight of your pearly teeth, the maiden gasps and takes off running to the west.

You leap atop the bench and cry, "Ha-ha-HA! You cannot escape the Kissing Bandit!"
Kiss neck
You lean in, but the maiden feels your hot breath on her neck and whirls!

"The Bandit! The Bandit!" she shrieks. So -- she has heard of the Kissing Bandit! You cannot help but be flattered, and so you smile. At the sight of your pearly teeth, the maiden gasps and takes off running to the west.

You leap atop the bench and cry, "Ha-ha-HA! You cannot escape the Kissing Bandit!"
Sneak
You sneak up right behind the maiden. You are invisible to her! The Kissing Bandit never betrays himself until the moment of the kiss... the inevitable kiss...
Go west
The maiden runs, but she is not too fast. Touching a secret button on your lapel, the boots release hidden springworks, lending superhuman fleetness to your stride.

The maiden looks behind, sees you gaining, and nearly swoons. Surely it is your gleaming mustaches that frighten her! She recovers and runs to the north, her hair shaking down into shimmering tresses.
Go north
My, but this one is fast. "Hold, fair maiden! Must you fear the Kissing Bandit? Ha-Ha-HA!" you shout.

The maiden cries, "Oh! Oh!" and races onward, north towards the tower.
You go north
The maiden begins to climb the tower! Never has the Kissing Bandit pursued such a worthy quarry! A simple twist of your boot buckles, and the powerful magnets in the soles are activated. Climbing this tower shall be no more trouble to the Kissing Bandit than walking, you smirk to yourself.
You climb tower
Indeed, this maiden is a superior athlete! You would be almost jealous if her determination to escape were not so invigorating! You climb swiftly, nearly reaching her flashing bare ankles... !

"Don't follow me!" she warns. So haughty, even now!
You examine the maiden
The maiden is just above you, scaling the tower with admirable speed!
You climb tower
The maiden reaches the top of the tower! She stands full in the moonlight, defiant. She kicks at your hands as you scale the last rungs of the tower, but you anticipate, you dodge.

"There is nowhere for you to run now!" you say. "So here shall I steal my gentle kiss...!"
Kiss maiden
At the last moment, she turns her head, and your kiss lands her on the cheek, hot breath from your nostrils puffing in her exposed ear. The Kissing Bandit has struck again... Oops!

The maiden screams, a piercing whistle in your ear! She rubs her cheek madly with her kerchief. "Gross! My cheek is all slobbery!" She shoves at you, and you fall, you fall from the tower!

[Hit return or space to continue.]
Look around
Playground, tower base
The tower stands here, a protective cage of steel, sturdily erected in the soil and gravel.
You check what you're carrying
You are carrying:
a black mask (being worn)
a fake moustache (being worn)
a pair of buckled boots (being worn)
a velvet cloak (being worn)
a rakish hat (being worn)
a locket (being worn and open)
a silhouette
a tiny lock of brown hair
a grouch bag (being worn)
You run
You'll have to say which compass direction to go in.
You go east
"Harold Finster!" Uh oh. It's Constable Adams! You climb inside the bars of the tower where she can't get you. "No one can catch the Kissing Bandit!" you bellow.

Miss Adams storms up. "Get out of there this minute, Harold. I'm not kidding." She grabs you by the arm and pushes her face close to yours. "If you don't come out in five seconds, I'm going to come in and carry you out, and not necessarily in one piece!"

Her face, her skin, so lovely... perhaps the Kissing Bandit could strike again, even now?
Kiss constable adams
You lean through the bars and give her a big smack right on the gob. Her eyes fly wide open, becoming two great orbs, beaming invisible rays of heat death right at you. Good thing your special cloak protects you.

"That does it!" shouts a purpling Miss Adams. "Harold Finster, I don't know what's gotten into you, but I've had complaints from at least three girls today. You're going to the principal's office right now!"

Miss Adams pulls you out of the monkey bars drags you inside. The chief constable has been waiting to catch the Smooching Bandit for years, and now you're being delivered into his fiendish clutches. You'll be locked in the detention tower for sure, but first, interrogation and torture.

You scoff. The Smooching Bandit can withstand anything for the sake of a kiss... One day, he will be free to strike again!

[Hit return or space to continue.]
"Except then came the unkindest cut of all, a wound deep to the heart of the Kissing Bandit! Something even he could not withstand! For there, at the edge of the schoolyard, laughing at him, mocking him in word an gesture, stood Mary Anne Mackelroy! Oh, surely the unkindest cut of all!

'He gives slobbery smooches,' she teased. 'And he always smells like raisins. Eww!'

'Ah, fair Marianne -- ' choked the Bandit as he was led away, his spirit now broken. 'Marianne... '"

"And?" Jenny asks, looking at you like you're a little bit nuts.

"And, that's the end of the Tale of the Kissing Bandit," you say, shrugging. You prop yourself up on one elbow to adjust your pillow. You lie your head down on it, your goofy smile aimed at the ceiling. "That's the end."
You look at Jenny
She looks lovely in this light. Her face is a little shiny, and her hair is a bit tussled, but there's no denying the affect her warm smile has on you tonight. Man, you're still as crazy about her as ever.

"That was stupid," Jenny says.

You're a little hurt by that. "No it wasn't!" you protest. "Besides, what do you expect when you ask me to make something up off the top of my head?"

"You were supposed to come up with something romantic."

"Well, I thought it was funny-romantic. And I liked the twist ending."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," she says, "You and your twist endings."
Kiss Jenny
"So," you say, as you give Jenny a little kiss. "Did you like my story or not?"

"mmm," she says. "Kiss me again and I'll tell you."
Kiss Jenny
You give Jenny a better, longer kiss. She smiles. You chuckle.

"What's funny?" Jenny asks.

"You're a smiler, just like Lily Whitestone-- Ack!." She pokes you in the ribs.

"Just kiss me again, or I'll really let you have it."
Kiss Jenny
You kiss for several minutes, finally breaking for some fresh air. "Happy Valentine's Day," you say.

"Happy Valentine's Day," Jenny says. "I love you."

"I love you too," you say. "I adore you."

"That's so sweet," she says. "Thank you. And thank you for the story." She sneaks across the room on tip-toes and blows out the candle.

It is now pitch dark in here!

Bedroom, in darkness (on the bed)
It's dark, and you can't see a thing except the faintly glowing outline of the bedroom window shade, which is drawn shut.

You feel Jenny climb back onto the foot of the bed. She rubs her hands on your legs. "Okay, my turn again," she says.

"Okay, your turn," you hear yourself echo.
Kiss Jenny
Nothing to do but wait.
You wait awhile
Nothing left to do. Time passes.

Jenny crawls higher.
Notes
N = next subjectP = previous
RETURN = read subject  Q = resume game

> About the game
Dedication
Enough already
The Kissing Bandit
Amusing
Apology
The Tale of the Kissing Bandit was written and programmed by J. Robinson Wheeler. One of these days, it would be nice to actually take enough time writing a game that I get to flesh it out as fully as originally conceived.

If you enjoyed this game, I would love to hear from you. Send comments and reports to rob.wheeler@stanfordalumni.org.

N = next subjectP = previous
RETURN = read subject  Q = resume game

> About the game
Dedication
Enough already
The Kissing Bandit
Amusing
Apology
Go north
N = next subjectP = previous
RETURN = read subject  Q = resume game

> Dedication
Enough already
The Kissing Bandit
Amusing
Apology
To Emily Short, who passive-aggressively forced me to finish, even though I had already decided I didn't have time to. The rather thin and spotty implementation, empty rooms, and suchlike are to be blamed on this mad, last-ditch effort to please.

N = next subjectP = previous
RETURN = read subject  Q = resume game

> Dedication
Enough already
The Kissing Bandit
Amusing
Apology
Go north
N = next subjectP = previous
RETURN = read subject  Q = resume game

> Enough already
The Kissing Bandit
Amusing
Apology
Flee
The Kissing Bandit grows suffocated by these surroundings! With a dashing twirl of your cape, you turn and steal away into the night ...

[Hit return or space to continue.]
Garden park
The luscious gardens, abloom in the early spring, send forth their heady aromas on the nuzzling breezes. Aloft, too, are the erotic perfumes of the finely dressed ladies in white, walking two by two in the early eve, innocent as does, poised as summer swans.

A choice maiden sits alone on a bench, reading a steamy novel by gaslight. Mwuhaha-HA! The Smooching Bandit has at last chosen his first of the evening. A burning buss on those pink smackers will do, will surely do...
You get it
(on with the maiden)
Good heavens! The Kissing Bandit's intentions stop at the innocent kiss!
Go south
Emerson Hotel, second floor
Vast crimson carpeting tongues outward from the mouth of the ballroom portal and sprials slowly clockwise down the broad staircase to the public lobby of the hotel.
You go north
Grand Ballroom, south side
The grand ballroom of the Emerson Hotel is a busy spin of high society's young and old. Exits lead in all directions.

A lovely young demoiselle, looking in her ruffled ball gown like a plenteous dish of peaches and whipped cream, parts from the general company. Fanning herself, she retreats to the west.
You go downward
It would be wise to remove your disguise before you attempt to leave through the hotel's front doors.
You go to the north
Grand Ballroom, south side
The grand ballroom of the Emerson Hotel is a busy spin of high society's young and old. Exits lead in all directions.
You go east
Grand Ballroom, southeast corner
This corner of the ballroom is warm and redolent of potent beverages, which are being served behind a mirrored bar. Sulty night air from the open veranda doors to the north gives the area a dreamlike feel.
You go west
This slightly curved parlour room with gold, ornamented wallpaper and settees with silk pillows provides an intermediate sitting area, bathed in yellow candlelight. Seating is plentiful, and a set of private salon doors lead northwest and west. A doorless portal leads north. The door to the west is closed; the other is open.
You go north
The curt spice of Turkish tobacco raids your senses and leaves them stinging. The ceiling is sooty from years of cigar and cigarette smoke, as are the paintings -- one of which has recently been moved, revealing a rectangular outline of a cleaner, lighter wall behind. Old books, charged with acidic odours, stand yellowing on ceiling-high bookcases. Large, masculine furnishings form a circle in the center of the room. A short, camouflaged door lies uniquely hidden between two of the bookcases on the east wall.
Examine books
There are many books here. You have no interest in taking any -- neither a borrower nor a lender be, after all. You content yourself to scan the shelves, as if browsing in a bookstore.
You search the books
Your eye alights on a volume titled, "Mende Thy Wicked Waies" by the Rev. E. Arthur Shropshire.
You read book
Your gaze falls on a novel called, "Journey to Damascus" by Marcus T. Parella.
You read the journey
What do you want to read in?
You read the books
Your eye picks out a book titled, "Of Opticks and the Grinding of Lenses" by Otto Seymour.
You read the books
Your gaze falls on a rare scientific volume detailing the mating habits of small rodents.
You read the books
Your eye picks out a volume called, "From Alpha to Omega: A Theological History" by Onislav Woczyknikzi.
You look at the wall
(the cleaner rectangle)
The lighter surface of the wall has been revealed partially behind the watercolour painting.
You look at the painting
There are four paintings: two portraits, a still life, and a watercolour landscape.
You get it
That's hardly portable.
You read the books
You come across a tome titled, "Essentials of Living" by Emerson Frost and Walter Pratt.
You feel the wall
(the cleaner rectangle)
You feel nothing unexpected.
You read read the books
What do you want to read in?
You read the books
Your eye picks out a book on the subject of European cheesemakers in the fourteenth through sixteenth centuries.
You read the books
Your eye alights on a volume concerning European cheesemakers in the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries.
You read the books
You come across a tome entitled, "Discoveries in Human Anatomy" by Charles Edmund Hawthorne, Percy C. Blake and Daniel Merriwether.
You read the books
Your eye picks out a volume called, "How to Host a Dinner Party" by K. Somerset.
You read the books
Your eye alights on a volume titled, "Joy of Life, Pain of Death" by Nathan Feinberg.
You read the books
You come across a tome dedicated to the study of apian migratory patterns.
You read the books
Your gaze falls on a book titled, "Lancaster, Leominster, and Leicester" by L. Lawrence Lilly.
You read the books
You come across a volume on the subject of Mediterranean shipping channels.
You read the books
Your eye picks out a volume titled, "Take a Holiday" by John McCormack.
You read the books
You come across a tome titled, "Papacy in the Middle Ages" by Nathan Pendleton and Franklin Cromwell.
You read the books
Your eye alights on a biography of Martin Luther.
You move painting
Those are fixed in place.
You read the books
Your eye picks out a book titled, "Keeper of the Flame" by Reginald Tuchs.
You read the books
Your gaze falls on a book on the subject of stone age tools and weaponry.
You read the books
Your eye picks out a volume called, "Vesuvius" by Carl Raft.
You read the books
Your eye alights on a book titled "A Critical Guide to Modern Shakespeare" by Orson Stonecraft.
You read the books
Your eye alights on a volume titled, "The Compleat Francis Bacon" by Thomas G. King.
You read the books
You come across a volume concerning Da Vinci's unfinished horse sculpture.
You read the books
You come across a volume called, "Raphael and Titian" by Marcus Polsky.
You read the books
Your gaze falls on a book on the subject of eel fishing.
You read the books
Your eye picks out a volume titled, "The Discoveries of Tycho Brahe, Volume II" by Francis M. Grant and R. M. McKellen.
You read the books
Your eye alights on a volume on the subject of the steam engines.
You read the books
You come across a volume called, "A Practical Guide to Lockpicking" by George Mason.
You read the books
You come across a volume concerning Shakespeare's history plays.
You read the books
Your eye picks out a book titled, "Mozart and Freemasonry" by Casper Peabody.
You read the books
Your eye alights on a book titled, "Gutenberg's Printing Press" by Harrison Alexander.
You read the books
You come across a volume on the subject of animal husbandry.
You read the books
Your gaze falls on a book on the subject of sainthood in the early Christian church.
You read the books
Your eye picks out a book titled, "Avalanche of Reason: The Era of Enlightened Thinking" by Dr. David A. Kelly.
You read the books
Your eye alights on a book on the subject of Cambridge University.
You read the books
Your eye picks out a volume titled, "The Edge of the Earth: The Voyages of Magellan" by Percival MacManus.
You open the door
You open the door.
You go east
Grand Ballroom, west side
This side of the ballroom is much cooler than the other, although there is not much circulation of the air.

A thick, forest-green drapery conceals a small private door -- perfectly concealed to all but the trained eyes of the Kissing Bandit.
You examine private
The door leads west out of the ballroom.
Go west
The curt spice of Turkish tobacco raids your senses and leaves them stinging. The ceiling is sooty from years of cigar and cigarette smoke, as are the paintings -- one of which has recently been moved, revealing a rectangular outline of a cleaner, lighter wall behind. Old books, charged with acidic odours, stand yellowing on ceiling-high bookcases. Large, masculine furnishings form a circle in the center of the room. The door to the ballroom is open to the east.
You search the wall
(the cleaner rectangle)
You find nothing of interest.
Attack wall
(the cleaner rectangle)
Violence isn't the answer to this one.
You kick the wall
(the cleaner rectangle)
Save it for the bugs.
You examine the paintings
There are four paintings: two portraits, a still life, and a watercolour landscape.
You move the portrait
Which do you mean, the portrait of an imperious old gentleman or the portrait of a handsome woman?
Imperious
It is fixed in place.
You examine it
The gentleman has moustaches rivaling yours, only his are naturally grown. White-haired, face creased with wise lines, cupping a pocketwatch with one hand and a walking stick in the other, he is clearly a man of worldly accomplishment and power.
You look at handsome
Not just any woman do you consider handsome; this one you verily do. In her frocks and blouse, velvet and silk, steely posture, square chin upthrust, eyes lightly lidded, black hair immaculately fitted into a bun with not a single stray strand, she bespeaks of primness, prudishness, probity, and virtue. At the same time, she looks as if she were probably sour company, but it is often difficult to judge a person by their painted portrait; the artist always lends his own bias to the character. Artists, after all, must make choices in order to make art.
You remove the mask
You take off the black mask.
You remove all
door: That's hardly portable.
smoky odours: Physically impossible, even for the Kissing Bandit. cleaner rectangle: That's hardly portable.
sooty ceiling: That's hardly portable.
paintings: They're hardly portable.
portrait of an imperious old gentleman: That's hardly portable. portrait of a handsome woman: That's hardly portable.
still life: That's hardly portable.
watercolour landscape: That's hardly portable.
books: They are curiosities of this moment only; none are worth taking.
You look at the ceiling
(the sooty ceiling)
It is an ugly but otherwise unnoteworthy blackening.
Smell odours
You smell aged cigar and cigarette smoke.
Clean ceiling
(the sooty ceiling)
The sooty ceiling looks a little cleaner now.
Doff moustache
You take off the fake moustache.
Doff cloak
You take off the velvet cloak.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a black mask
a fake moustache
a pair of buckled boots (being worn)
a velvet cloak
a rakish hat
a locket (being worn and closed)
a grouch bag (being worn)
Doff boots
You take off the pair of buckled boots.
Doff locket
You take off the locket.
You throw the the locket to the the dogs
black mask: That can't contain things.
fake moustache: That can't contain things.
pair of buckled boots: That can't contain things.
velvet cloak: That can't contain things.
rakish hat: That can't contain things.
locket: That can't contain things.
wrist: That can't contain things.

I only understood you as far as wanting to throw the locket.
You go east
Grand Ballroom, west side
This side of the ballroom is much cooler than the other, although there is not much circulation of the air. A thick drapery conceals a small private door to the west.
You go to the south
Grand Ballroom, southwest corner
This corner of the ballroom is cool and shaded, with a russet portico leading west to a series of private salons.

Young Peaches-and-Cream stands here, fanning herself lightly.
You go to the west
This slightly curved parlour room with gold, ornamented wallpaper and settees with silk pillows provides an intermediate sitting area, bathed in yellow candlelight. Seating is plentiful, and a set of private salon doors lead northwest and west. A doorless portal leads north.
Go downwards
You descend the broad staircase, and escape into the night!

[Hit return or space to continue.]
Garden park
The luscious gardens, abloom in the early spring, send forth their heady aromas on the nuzzling breezes. Aloft, too, are the erotic perfumes of the finely dressed ladies in white, walking two by two in the early eve, innocent as does, poised as summer swans.

A choice maiden sits alone on a bench, reading a steamy novel by gaslight. Mwuhaha-HA! The Smooching Bandit has at last chosen his first of the evening. A burning buss on those pink smackers will do, will surely do...