Escape From Santaland
Jason Ermer
Christmas cover art deer escape gender-neutral protagonist holiday theme IF Comp 2011 IFComp Game mall small map train walkthrough winter
Ugh. Christmastime at the mall. The last place you want to be, during the worst time of year to be there.
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First time players may wish to type ABOUT before getting underway.

Ugh. Christmastime at the mall. The last place you want to be, during the worst time of year to be there.

After a last-minute Christmas Eve shopping run (thank you Aunt Maxine and Uncle Felix, who RSVP'd for tomorrow just an hour before the mall closed) you're heading for the parking lot, shopping bags in hand.

Everything about this place gives you a headache: the fluorescent lights reflecting off the polished faux-marble flooring, the greasy funk of the food court, the echoes of screaming children and Christmas music piped through tinny speakers. You have got to get out of here.

But, where did you park? All of these mall entrances look the same. Are you going the right way? This doesn't look familiar...

The cartoony plastic signpost in front of you has two arrows, both of which point east toward a fake-snowy astroturf pathway between fake-holly hedges. One arrow reads "Pictures With Santa" the other reads "Parking Lots A-G".
About yourself
You are a little harried and headachy from this last minute trip to the mall, but you've bought the last of the gifts and you're ready to head home.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a scented candle (closed)
an impenetrable super-plastic package (inside which is a flashlight)
a Hickory Farms gift box (closed)
your coat
You examine the candle
For the mere price of $24.99 you became the owner of twenty-two ounces of white wax in a glass jar. How does the Yankee Candle Company get away with it? Plus, is the name "Winter Wonderland" meant to describe the scent? What does that even mean?
Smell candle
You can't smell much with the lid clamped shut. Mercifully.
You open the candle
You open the scented candle and immediately it begins making your eyes water with its piney, musky reek.
Smell candle
"Winter Wonderland": the crispness of a damp pine forest mixed with the musky reek of a damp moose. Delightful. And imagine: somebody gets paid to design fragrances like this.
Close candle
You close the scented candle and the fir-tree-plus-wet-fur funk gradually begins to dissipate.
You look at the flashlight
The Brookstone waterproof, shock-resistant flashlight, encased in a shell of nearly-impenetrable super-plastic packaging. It was a steal at $44.99, and when you saw the price you actually considered stealing it -- especially since you'll have to buy the not-included pair of AA batteries separately.

While there in Brookstone you toyed for a minute with the idea of getting the combined flashlight and self-massager, but then you considered your audience. Aunt Maxine would not find it anywhere near as funny as you do.
You examine the gift
The Hickory Farms Sausage and Cheese gift box is $35.99 worth of artery-clogging goodness. "A great combo of rich and savory flavors," the box claims. Uncle Felix is sure to love it.
Xyzzy
No Easter eggs here. This is a Christmas game.
You look at the lights
Standard mall-issue lighting. It makes you want to get the heck out of here.
You listen
A dim echo of some annoying Christmas tune. It sounds a bit like "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree"?
Smell
You catch a faint odor of food court.
You listen
A dim echo of some annoying Christmas tune. Maybe "Mary's Boy Child"?
You examine the hedges
The "hedges" are about ten feet high and covered in waxy, plastic holly leaves.
Search hedges
The leaves are fake, but dense. You find nothing else inside the hedge.
Look around
Everything about this place gives you a headache: the fluorescent lights reflecting off the polished faux-marble flooring, the greasy funk of the food court, the echoes of screaming children and Christmas music piped through tinny speakers. You have got to get out of here.

The cartoony plastic signpost in front of you has two arrows, both of which point east toward a fake-snowy astroturf pathway between fake-holly hedges. One arrow reads "Pictures With Santa" the other reads "Parking Lots A-G".
You look at the sign
The cartoony plastic signpost in front of you has two arrows, both of which point east toward a fake-snowy astroturf pathway between fake-holly hedges. One arrow reads "Pictures With Santa" the other reads "Parking Lots A-G".
Go east
You proceed down the narrow hallway of synthetic hedges: away from the mall, deeper into Santaland.

Something about the 10-foot tall hedges and the squishy, padded astroturf under your feet transports you away from the migraine-inducing chaos of the mall. But now the narrow pathways and tall hedges make you feel antsy and claustrophobic.

From here, pathways lead to the north, the east, and the west.

(Note: The right-hand side of the status bar displays a compass rose of possible locations to travel. Locations you have not yet visited are shown in red.)
Go west
That way takes you back into the mall. Surely the parking lot can't be far.
You go to the north
You are at the intersection of several narrow, snowy passages.

From here, pathways lead to the south (back toward the entrance to Santaland), the north, and the east.
You go north
This corner of Santaland would be indistinguishable from the neighboring passages were it not for an unexpected feature.

Mounted in the fake hedge-wall you see a glinting copper panel.
You examine the panel
The upper part of the shiny panel frames a thin, horizontal window of glass. Beneath the window is a dial. A word, written in fancy calligraphy, is visible in the window: "Blitzen".
You go south
You are at the intersection of several narrow, snowy passages.

From here, pathways lead to the south (back toward the entrance to Santaland), the north (back to the room with the copper panel), and the east.
Go east
This must be one of the highlights of Santaland. When it's powered up, that is.

A small army of animatronic elves stands immobile amidst an array of silent toy producing machines. Dressed in festive red and green aprons, clenching mallets and bellows and hand-powered drills, they are Santa's sweatshop workforce (although you wonder how much sweating one does at the North Pole, and then remind yourself that these are animatronic elves who wouldn't sweat anyhow, and besides even if they could sweat they're just standing there not moving or anything at the moment).

A string of Christmas lights extends from a power outlet in the hedge wall, trails across the floor of the workshop, and disappears into the cluster of machines.

Off to the side, a lone robotic elf stands at a tall desk working busily, unlike his peers.
You look at the lights
The lights stretch from a power outlet in the hedge wall, across the floor, and into the cluster of animatronics. Despite being plugged in and having bulbs in all of its sockets, the string of Christmas lights is completely unlit. Typical. When one goes out they all go out.

In the string of Christmas lights are five twinkle lights (orange, purple, white, red, and blue).
You take the lights
You tug on the string of Christmas lights, but meet resistance from the end that is tucked up among the automatons. It seems it's attached somehow. (If you wanted to take an individual light bulb, though, you could.)
You take the bulb
Which do you mean, the yellow twinkle light, the green twinkle light, the orange twinkle light, the purple twinkle light, the white twinkle light, the red twinkle light, or the blue twinkle light?
You take all
string of Christmas lights: You tug on the string of Christmas lights, but meet resistance from the end that is tucked up among the automatons. It seems it's attached somehow. (If you wanted to take an individual light bulb, though, you could.)
yellow twinkle light: Taken.
green twinkle light: Taken.
orange twinkle light: Taken.
purple twinkle light: Taken.
white twinkle light: Taken.
red twinkle light: Taken.
blue twinkle light: Taken.
You examine elf
This fellow must be on a different circuit than the others. Representing the toy factory's bookkeeper, he stands on a chair behind the tall desk and scribbles notes into a thick ledger. On top of the desk are a little ink bottle, into which the bookkeeper occasionally dips his quill pen, and an electric candle that has no light bulb.
You examine bottle
A little prop jar that has dried ink running down the side. The jar itself is empty so nothing actually happens when the elf dips his pen in it.
You examine the candle
The electric candle is attached to the tall desk. It has a little socket for a twinkle light where the flame would be.
You put the purple bulb in the candle
You put the purple twinkle light into the electric candle. It lights up!
You examine the candle
The electric candle is attached to the tall desk. It has a purple twinkle light plugged into its socket which twinkles adorably.
You read the ledger
A thick, leather-bound book (actually, a plastic prop made to look like a thick, leather-bound book). Some scribbles have been painted on the pages, but they are just for show.
Inventory
You are carrying:
six twinkle lights (blue, red, white, orange, green, and yellow)
a scented candle (closed)
an impenetrable super-plastic package (inside which is a flashlight)
a Hickory Farms gift box (closed)
your coat
You take the purple bulb
Taken.
You put the blue bulb in the candle
You put the blue twinkle light into the electric candle. It lights up!
You put the red bulb in the candle
You put the red twinkle light into the electric candle. The bulb remains dark.
You drop the red bulb
Dropped.
You put the white bulb in the candle
You put the white twinkle light into the electric candle. It lights up!
You put the orange bulb in the candle
You put the orange twinkle light into the electric candle. It lights up!
You put green bulb in the candle
You put the green twinkle light into the electric candle. It lights up!
You put the yellow bulb in the candle
You put the yellow twinkle light into the electric candle. The bulb remains dark.
You check what you're carrying
You are carrying:
five twinkle lights (green, orange, white, blue, and purple)
a scented candle (closed)
an impenetrable super-plastic package (inside which is a flashlight)
a Hickory Farms gift box (closed)
your coat
You examine the coat
You started feeling dehydrated and headachy almost the moment you walked into the mall (a psychosomatic reaction, perhaps), so you took off your coat. And here it is.
You search the coat
In the pocket are your keys.
You examine the keys
Just a few keys (car, house) on a simple key ring. Nothing fancy.
Look around
A small army of animatronic elves stands immobile amidst an array of silent toy producing machines. Dressed in festive red and green aprons, clenching mallets and bellows and hand-powered drills, they are Santa's sweatshop workforce (although you wonder how much sweating one does at the North Pole, and then remind yourself that these are animatronic elves who wouldn't sweat anyhow, and besides even if they could sweat they're just standing there not moving or anything at the moment).

A string of Christmas lights extends from a power outlet in the hedge wall, trails across the floor of the workshop, and disappears into the cluster of machines.

Off to the side, a lone robotic elf stands at a tall desk working busily, unlike his peers.

You can also see a red twinkle light here.
You put the bulbs in string
green twinkle light: You put the green twinkle light into the string of Christmas lights. Nothing. (Of course that's because there are still empty sockets in the string of Christmas lights.
orange twinkle light: You put the orange twinkle light into the string of Christmas lights. Nothing. (Of course that's because there are still empty sockets in the string of Christmas lights.
white twinkle light: You put the white twinkle light into the string of Christmas lights. Nothing. (Of course that's because there are still empty sockets in the string of Christmas lights.
blue twinkle light: You put the blue twinkle light into the string of Christmas lights. Nothing. (Of course that's because there are still empty sockets in the string of Christmas lights.
purple twinkle light: You put the purple twinkle light into the string of Christmas lights. All of the lights suddenly flick on and twinkle brilliantly!

Simultaneously, Santa's workshop clatters to life!
You look around
A small army of animatronic elves work jerkily amidst an array of chugging and clanking toy producing machines. Dressed in festive red and green aprons, clenching mallets and bellows and hand-powered drills, they are Santa's sweatshop workforce (although you wonder how much sweating one does at the North Pole, and then remind yourself that these are animatronic elves who wouldn't sweat anyhow).

A string of Christmas lights extends from a power outlet in the hedge wall, trails across the floor of the workshop, and disappears into the cluster of machines.

Off to the side, a lone robotic elf stands at a tall desk working busily.

You can also see a red twinkle light here.

Suddenly, a whistle chirps and one of the toy machines burps a cloud of smoke. Something slides down the chute and lands in the basket with a muffled clank.
You look at the basket
A simple container at the terminus of the workshop toy chute.

In the basket is a silver reindeer statue.
You examine the statue
Made of sparkling silver, the figure stands about six inches tall at the shoulder. The reindeer's antlers are small, but it has been sculpted in a particularly energetic pose, kicking its front legs into the air. You can imagine the holly wreath around its neck jostling as the animal bounds away.
Go west
You are at the intersection of several narrow, snowy passages.

From here, pathways lead to the south (back toward the entrance to Santaland), the north (back to the room with the copper panel), and the east (back to Santa's workshop).
You go south
Something about the 10-foot tall hedges and the squishy, padded astroturf under your feet has transported you away from the migraine-inducing chaos of the mall. But now the narrow pathways and tall hedges make you feel antsy and claustrophobic.

From here, pathways lead to the north, the east, and the west.
Go east
You are at the snowy intersection of several narrow passages.

From here, pathways lead to the north (back to Santa's workshop), the west (back toward the entrance to Santaland), and the east.
You go east
This corner of Santaland would be indistinguishable from the neighboring passages were it not for an unexpected feature (less unexpected than it would have been earlier, though, since you have already seen something just like it).

Flush with the fake hedge-wall, you see a sparkling silver panel.
You examine the panel
The upper part of the shiny panel frames a thin, horizontal window of glass. Beneath the window is a dial. A word, written in fancy calligraphy, is visible in the window: "Prancer".
You examine the reindeer
Made of sparkling silver, the figure stands about six inches tall at the shoulder. The reindeer's antlers are small, but it has been sculpted in a particularly energetic pose, kicking its front legs into the air. You can imagine the holly wreath around its neck jostling as the animal bounds away.
You open the glass
(the scented candle)
You open the scented candle and immediately it begins making your eyes water with its piney, musky reek.
Go south
You can't go that way.

(Note: The right-hand side of the status bar displays a compass rose of possible locations to travel. Locations you have not yet visited are shown in red.)
You go west
You are at the snowy intersection of several narrow passages.

From here, pathways lead to the north (back to Santa's workshop), the west (back toward the entrance to Santaland), and the east (back to the room with the silver panel).
Go north
A small army of animatronic elves work jerkily amidst an array of chugging and clanking toy producing machines. Dressed in festive red and green aprons, clenching mallets and bellows and hand-powered drills, they are Santa's sweatshop workforce (although you wonder how much sweating one does at the North Pole, and then remind yourself that these are animatronic elves who wouldn't sweat anyhow).

A string of Christmas lights extends from a power outlet in the hedge wall, trails across the floor of the workshop, and disappears into the cluster of machines.

Off to the side, a lone robotic elf stands at a tall desk working busily.

You can also see a red twinkle light here.
You go east
You are at the intersection of several snowy, narrow passages.

From here, pathways lead to the west (back to Santa's workshop), the south (back to the room with the silver panel), and the north.
You go north
You are about to begin down the pathway to the north, when you see a small man walking south down the path toward you. He is looking down, watching his curly-toed shoes kick up drifts of styrofoam snow, and for a moment he is oblivious to your presence.

When he finally looks up and notices you, he leaps back with a jolt and clutches tightly to the golden statue he is carrying.

"Who...? Who are you? What are you doing here? Santaland is... It's... We're closed!"
You look at the man
The man's ears and nose are slightly pointier than most people's, and his limbs seem too long for his four-foot frame. Green tights hug skinny legs and knobby knees, then tuck into huge curly-toed shoes. His candy cane turtleneck is particularly, well, some might call it "festive". (You would call it "ugly").

Speaking of adjectives, you search for one that could summarize his overall appearance. You decide on "elfin".

He carries a gold statue that looks like a reindeer (or, in any case, something with antlers). It's a bit hard to get a good look because he keeps moving it nervously out of your line of sight.
You look at the statue
(the silver statue)
Made of sparkling silver, the figure stands about six inches tall at the shoulder. The reindeer's antlers are small, but it has been sculpted in a particularly energetic pose, kicking its front legs into the air. You can imagine the holly wreath around its neck jostling as the animal bounds away.
You examine the gold statue
The statue seems to be made of gold, and it looks a bit like a reindeer. Every time you try to get a good look, though, the small man twists away and tries to shield the statue from your view.
You talk to the man
The little man is clearly upset by your presence, but you figure it couldn't hurt to ask for directions. "Look, I'm just trying to find the parking lot."

"I don't... You can't..." He pauses, staring at you and groping for a response. He looks nervously back over his shoulder to the north, then jabs a finger of his oversized, green-gloved hand over your shoulder to the south. "That way!"
You talk to the man
You look south, in the direction the little man's pointing finger. "Is that the way to the parking lot? Or..."

"Just go that way!" He gestures so emphatically this time that he almost drops his golden statue. "Get out of here, would you?"
You talk to the man
"Please GO, would you!?" He jabs his finger to the south.
You talk to the man
"Just GO already!"
You take the statue
(the gold statue)
The elf twists violently away from you and swats at your hand. "No way!" he barks. "This one is mine. It's the most valuable of the set and I've already got a buyer!"
You show the silver statue to man
The little man eyes the silver statue for a moment. "Mine's better," he sneers.
You show candle to the man
Something about the little man's twitchy temperament combined with the way the he's been clutching at that statue suggests that he's not to be trusted with your things. In fact, he looks a little larcenous. Or is that lecherous? Leprous? Anyhow: he looks like he wants to steal your stuff.
You ask the man about the statue
(To communicate in Escape From Santaland, TALK TO a character.)
You look around
You are at the intersection of several snowy, narrow passages.

From here, pathways lead to the west (back to Santa's workshop), the south (back to the room with the silver panel), and the north.

The little man glowers at you and clutches tightly to the gold statue.
Go north
You attempt to sidestep the little man and proceed on your quest for the parking lot.

Quick as a whip the elf skitters up to you and starts grabbing at the scented candle. As you twist to avoid his hot little hands, he swipes your coat!

"I bet this will be worth a few bucks!" he cries and scampers away to the north.
You check what you're carrying
You are carrying:
the silver reindeer statue
a scented candle (closed)
an impenetrable super-plastic package (inside which is a flashlight)
a Hickory Farms gift box (closed)
You check your inventory
You are carrying:
the silver reindeer statue
a scented candle (closed)
an impenetrable super-plastic package (inside which is a flashlight)
a Hickory Farms gift box (closed)
your coat
Go north
You attempt to sidestep the little man and proceed on your quest for the parking lot.

Quick as a whip the elf skitters up to you and starts grabbing at the impenetrable super-plastic package. As you twist to avoid his hot little hands, he swipes your coat!

"I bet this will be worth a few bucks!" he cries and scampers away to the north.
Go north
The heart of Santaland and the destination of families from miles around. It's not your destination, of course, but that doesn't change the fact that parents and children have for years made pilgrimages to this spot to have their pictures taken with Santa Claus.

You arrive just as the larcenous little elf starts to climb down a secret staircase hidden beneath Santa's chair, which is tipped back at an awkward angle. When he sees you, the elf yelps and grasps at the underside of the trap door in an attempt to tip the chair back onto its feet.

In the process, he fumbles the gold statue, which skitters across the astroturf as the trap-door-chair slams shut. With that, the elf and your coat (and, unfortunately, your car keys) are gone.

Santa's big comfy chair stands in the center of the room. It's a dramatic affair, a throne really: lots of ostentatious gold-painted filigree and red velvet pillows.

Next to Santa's chair is a beautifully decorated Christmas tree. There are no presents beneath the tree, perhaps to better display the colorful decorative tree skirt underneath.

The gold reindeer statue lies on its side in a pile of fake snow.
You take the gold statue
Taken.
You examine the gold statue
Cast in solid gold, the reindeer figure stands about six inches tall at the shoulder. The sculpture is unmistakably of Rudolph the reindeer. His nose isn't red (it's gold, like the rest of him), yet the sculptor has somehow made it seem to glow. It's also somewhat more bulbous than you'd expect to see on a reindeer, which is a bit of a giveaway.
You examine the skirt
The nine reindeer have been beautifully rendered by the hand of an expert rug maker. The reindeer are not identified (except for Rudolph, whose nose gives him away), but they stand in single file between Rudolph and Santa's present filled sleigh.

The four reindeer behind Rudolph are standing on their back legs as though ready to leap into the air. The next four have all hooves on the ground.

Alternating pairs of reindeer wear different decorations: the first two reindeer behind Rudolph have holly wreaths around their necks. The next two wear collars clustered with jingle bells. The third pair again wear wreaths. The last two reindeer again wear bells.

Every other reindeer, starting with the one behind Rudolph, has an impressive rack of antlers. The antlers of the other reindeer are smaller.
You look at your surroundings
The heart of Santaland and the destination of families from miles around. It's not your destination, of course, but that doesn't change the fact that parents and children have for years made pilgrimages to this spot to have their pictures taken with Santa Claus.

Santa's big comfy chair stands in the center of the room. It's a dramatic affair, a throne really: lots of ostentatious gold-painted filigree and red velvet pillows.

Next to Santa's chair is a beautifully decorated Christmas tree. There are no presents beneath the tree, perhaps to better display the colorful decorative tree skirt underneath.
You examine the chair
Santa's chair, the place where untold numbers of children have screamed and wet themselves in terror. It's a dramatic piece of furniture with lots of gold decoration and red velvet pillows.

The chair stands on a short, square platform which, as you saw when you first entered the room, is actually a trap door that conceals a stairway. The platform is marred with a bunch of scuff marks.
You examine the pillows
Up close, Santa's chair looks pretty cheap. You're sure it looks impressive in all of those holiday portraits, though.
You open the trap door
The chair doesn't move other than to wobble a bit. As it does, though, you hear the rattling of some kind of locking mechanism coming from the front of the chair. Beneath it, actually, down by the floor.
You look at the snow
The "snow" appears to be some kind of styrofoam shavings. Whatever it is, static electricity has it clinging to your pantlegs.
You examine the lock
You can't see any locking mechanism on the outside of Santa's chair. From the noise, it sounds like whatever it is works from the inside, under the chair. There must be some other means of unlocking it. Something sneaky, you suspect.
You go north
Yeeouch. What a smell.

Whoever thought it was a good idea to have a real, live reindeer living in Santaland for a month must have been fired (or should have been, based on the state of this place). There's a little rustic barn, a trough, and a few synthetic pine trees... and everything is coated with some combination of feces, oats, reindeer dander, and fake snow.

However: mounted in the wall next to the barn glisters a shiny golden panel. It's just like the other two you found, but with a little added filth.

The reindeer scratches at the astroturf with his hoof.
You examine the gold panel
The upper part of the shiny panel frames a thin, horizontal window of glass. Beneath the window is a dial. A word, written in fancy calligraphy, is visible in the window: "Dancer".
You look at the reindeer
(the animal)
The reindeer's shaggy hair is mostly a dull brown, but lighter around its neck. He also has an impressive and, frankly, dangerous-looking rack of antlers. Otherwise, he seems a bit bored.
Pet reindeer
Which do you mean, the animal, the gold reindeer statue, or the silver reindeer statue?
Animal
The reindeer growls when you reach for him. Better to keep your distance.
You turn the dial
As you reach for the dial, the reindeer growls at you. He doesn't seem to like the idea of your touching the gold panel.
Inventory
You are carrying:
the fancy tree skirt
the gold reindeer statue and silver reindeer statue
a scented candle (closed)
an impenetrable super-plastic package (inside which is a flashlight)
a Hickory Farms gift box (closed)
You examine the gift box
The Hickory Farms Sausage and Cheese gift box is $35.99 worth of artery-clogging goodness. "A great combo of rich and savory flavors," the box claims. Uncle Felix is sure to love it.
Kick animal
Have you no conscience? Violence isn't the answer to this one.
You show the candle to the animal
The reindeer sniffs around the lid of the candle and seems interested. At least, he seems a little less bored than usual.
You open the candle
You open the scented candle and immediately it begins making your eyes water with its piney, musky reek. Who'd have thought it could smell any worse in here?

It takes a moment for the smell to reach the reindeer, but when he finally gets a whiff of "Winter Wonderland" he lets out a snort that you somehow interpret as glee. The reindeer eyes you, and your smelly candle, with a passionate and unnerving intensity.
You drop the candle
Dropped.
You turn the dial
As you reach for the dial, the reindeer snorts angrily. Despite being somewhat more docile when he can smell that hideous candle, he still doesn't seem to like the idea of your touching the gold panel.
You go south
Drawn to the piney, musky scent of the candle, the reindeer lopes after you!

The heart of Santaland and the destination of families from miles around. It's not your destination, of course, but that doesn't change the fact that parents and children have for years made pilgrimages to this spot to have their pictures taken with Santa Claus.

Santa's big comfy chair stands in the center of the room. It's a dramatic affair, a throne really: lots of ostentatious gold-painted filigree and red velvet pillows.

Next to Santa's chair is a beautifully decorated Christmas tree. There are no presents beneath the tree, perhaps to better display the colorful decorative tree skirt underneath which was, until recently, spread out beneath it.

The reindeer studies you carefully.
You go north
Whoever thought it was a good idea to have a real, live reindeer living in Santaland for a month must have been fired (or should have been, based on the state of this place). There's a little rustic barn, a trough, and a few synthetic pine trees... and everything is coated with some combination of feces, oats, reindeer dander, and fake snow.

Mounted in the wall next to the barn glisters a shiny golden panel. It's just like the other two you found, but with a little added filth.
You examine the gold statue
Cast in solid gold, the reindeer figure stands about six inches tall at the shoulder. The sculpture is unmistakably of Rudolph the reindeer. His nose isn't red (it's gold, like the rest of him), yet the sculptor has somehow made it seem to glow. It's also somewhat more bulbous than you'd expect to see on a reindeer, which is a bit of a giveaway.
You go south
The heart of Santaland and the destination of families from miles around. It's not your destination, of course, but that doesn't change the fact that parents and children have for years made pilgrimages to this spot to have their pictures taken with Santa Claus.

Santa's big comfy chair stands in the center of the room. It's a dramatic affair, a throne really: lots of ostentatious gold-painted filigree and red velvet pillows.

Next to Santa's chair is a beautifully decorated Christmas tree. There are no presents beneath the tree, perhaps to better display the colorful decorative tree skirt underneath which was, until recently, spread out beneath it.

The reindeer is licking at the wax in the scented candle.
Go north
Drawn to the piney, musky scent of the candle, the reindeer shambles after you!

Whoever thought it was a good idea to have a real, live reindeer living in Santaland for a month must have been fired (or should have been, based on the state of this place). There's a little rustic barn, a trough, and a few synthetic pine trees... and everything is coated with some combination of feces, oats, reindeer dander, and fake snow.

Mounted in the wall next to the barn glisters a shiny golden panel. It's just like the other two you found, but with a little added filth.

The reindeer stares at you (and your scented candle) with great interest.
Go south
The heart of Santaland and the destination of families from miles around. It's not your destination, of course, but that doesn't change the fact that parents and children have for years made pilgrimages to this spot to have their pictures taken with Santa Claus.

Santa's big comfy chair stands in the center of the room. It's a dramatic affair, a throne really: lots of ostentatious gold-painted filigree and red velvet pillows.

Next to Santa's chair is a beautifully decorated Christmas tree. There are no presents beneath the tree, perhaps to better display the colorful decorative tree skirt underneath which was, until recently, spread out beneath it.
You examine the skirt
The nine reindeer have been beautifully rendered by the hand of an expert rug maker. The reindeer are not identified (except for Rudolph, whose nose gives him away), but they stand in single file between Rudolph and Santa's present filled sleigh.

The four reindeer behind Rudolph are standing on their back legs as though ready to leap into the air. The next four have all hooves on the ground.

Alternating pairs of reindeer wear different decorations: the first two reindeer behind Rudolph have holly wreaths around their necks. The next two wear collars clustered with jingle bells. The third pair again wear wreaths. The last two reindeer again wear bells.

Every other reindeer, starting with the one behind Rudolph, has an impressive rack of antlers. The antlers of the other reindeer are smaller.
You go east
Here kids can (beg their parents to) pay an additional $5 to have their picture taken aboard the H&O Railroad. In other malls, you recall seeing Santaland setups with working trains chugging along through their little Santa-scapes, but this one seems much less elaborate.

In the hedge wall to the south stands the stony arch of a tunnel. From the tunnel emerges a narrow set of train tracks. The tracks run north across the turf and slip under a closed door in the hedge.

The facade of a little ticket booth stands next to the tunnel.
Go west
You are at the narrow, snowy intersection of several passages.

From here, pathways lead to the south (back to Santa's workshop), the west (back to the room with the copper panel), and the east (back to Santa's chair and its trap door).

At the base of the hedge, you spot a pink piece of paper half-buried in the synthetic snow.
You examine paper
You pick up the paper and discover that, despite being printed on pink paper, it's a rather official-looking letter:

Dear Jerry,

As we discussed on Tuesday, recent economic conditions have caused us to eliminate several positions at the workshop. Regretfully, although your toy-crafting has always been of the highest caliber, we were forced to downsize your position.

Accordingly, your employment will be terminated on December 22nd. Your medical insurance plan will also be discontinued at that time. Unfortunately, given our dire financial straits, we will be unable to offer any severance package.

I am happy to provide you a letter of reference, however, if you so request.

Sincerely,
S. Nicholas
You look at the booth
The facade is just a prop attached to the holly hedge. There's a little fake ticket window with a sign hanging on the inside that reads "Back soon!" The H&O Railroad logo is painted on the wall of the booth next to the window, and under that there is a train schedule posted.
You look at the schedule
The schedule simply reads: North Pole trains depart regularly.
You look at the tracks
The train tracks run north and south, cutting about ten feet across the astroturf. To the north, they disappear under an wooden door with a fluted glass doorknob. To the south, they lead into the tunnel.
You look at the tunnel
The fake-stone surround of the tunnel is made from something like styrofoam or papier-mâché. It is set in the hedge wall to the south and a narrow set of train tracks runs north out of it.
You examine the door
A wooden door with a fluted glass doorknob. It seems very out of place in the middle of a hedge (even a fake hedge). The train tracks disappear under it.
You take the doorknob
That's hardly portable.
You open the door
It seems to be locked.
Go south
You've worked your way pretty deep into the tunnel and it is really too dark to see anything. The opening of the tunnel is to the north and a bit of light filters in from the mall, but just enough for you to find your way back out.
You open the flashlight
It seems it won't be so easy. This is that Fort Knox plastic that's going to require some kind of a blade to get into.
You throw the flashlight
Careful. Dropping the impenetrable super-plastic package here in the dark would be a particularly bad idea.
You go north
Whoever thought it was a good idea to have a real, live reindeer living in Santaland for a month must have been fired (or should have been, based on the state of this place). There's a little rustic barn, a trough, and a few synthetic pine trees... and everything is coated with some combination of feces, oats, reindeer dander, and fake snow.

Mounted in the wall next to the barn glisters a shiny golden panel. It's just like the other two you found, but with a little added filth.

The reindeer seems to be trying to stick his nose into the scented candle.
You rub the candle
You'll have time to clean it up when you get home.
You take the candle
You pick up the candle and discover that it is slick with reindeer drool. Excellent.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a scented candle (open and stinking up the place with its piney,
musky reek)
the letter
the fancy tree skirt
the gold reindeer statue and silver reindeer statue
an impenetrable super-plastic package (inside which is a flashlight)
a Hickory Farms gift box (closed)
You open the flashlight with the reindeer statue
Which do you mean, the gold reindeer statue or the silver reindeer statue?
You open the gift box
You open the Hickory Farms gift box, revealing a summer sausage, a cheese log, a serrated knife, and a bunch of straw.
You open the flashlight with the knife
(first taking the serrated knife)
After a moment's pause, you decide that you can still give the flashlight as a gift even if it's not in the original packaging (let's hope Aunt Maxine doesn't want to return it) and saw your way through the not-so-impenetrable-after-all plastic with the serrated knife.
You turn on the flashlight
(first taking the flashlight)
Nothing happens, most probably because there are no batteries in the flashlight.
You go to the south
Drawn to the piney, musky scent of the candle, the reindeer shuffles after you!

The heart of Santaland and the destination of families from miles around. It's not your destination, of course, but that doesn't change the fact that parents and children have for years made pilgrimages to this spot to have their pictures taken with Santa Claus.

Santa's big comfy chair stands in the center of the room. It's a dramatic affair, a throne really: lots of ostentatious gold-painted filigree and red velvet pillows.

Next to Santa's chair is a beautifully decorated Christmas tree. There are no presents beneath the tree, perhaps to better display the colorful decorative tree skirt underneath which was, until recently, spread out beneath it.

The reindeer studies you carefully.
Close candle
You close the scented candle and the fir-tree-plus-wet-fur funk gradually begins to dissipate.

After a few seconds, the reindeer goes back to ignoring you.
You open the candle
You open the scented candle and immediately it begins stinking up the place with its piney, musky reek.

Again: It takes a moment for the smell to reach the reindeer, but when he finally gets a whiff of "Winter Wonderland" he emits a grunt of joy (or what sounds to you vaguely like joy). The reindeer eyes you, and your smelly candle, with a passionate and unnerving intensity.
You go north
Drawn to the piney, musky scent of the candle, the reindeer shambles after you!

Whoever thought it was a good idea to have a real, live reindeer living in Santaland for a month must have been fired (or should have been, based on the state of this place). There's a little rustic barn, a trough, and a few synthetic pine trees... and everything is coated with some combination of feces, oats, reindeer dander, and fake snow.

Mounted in the wall next to the barn glisters a shiny golden panel. It's just like the other two you found, but with a little added filth.

The reindeer studies you carefully.
Go south
You are at the intersection of several snowy, narrow passages.

From here, pathways lead to the west (back to Santa's workshop), the south (back to the room with the silver panel), and the north (back to Santa's chair and its trap door).
You go to the east
You are at the snowy, narrow intersection of several passages.

From here, pathways lead to the west (back to the train depot) and the north.

In the wall to the east is a door that someone has tried, unsuccessfully, to camouflage. Bits of fake holly are stuck to it, but not enough that it blends in with the rest of the hedges. Plus, they did nothing to hide the shiny doorknob.
You examine the holly
The "hedges" are about ten feet high and covered in waxy, plastic holly leaves.
You examine the doorknob
Someone has tried, but not very hard, to camouflage the door. Bits of fake holly are stuck to it, but not enough that it could ever blend in with the rest of the hedges. The door is closed.
You open the door
You open the camouflaged door.
You go east
This was the break room for the Santaland elves (meaning: the human teenagers who worked here in Santaland during their winter breaks from school). Once, this might have been an okay place to hang out with your fellow slackers and talk about how lame all of this Santaland junk is, but now the room has been trashed, even by teenage slacker standards.

All of the drawers in the rickety desk have been dumped out onto the floor. Everything has been swept off the short rack of shelves: a scattering of magazines, a potted plant, a whole bunch of cup-o-noodle instant lunches. A can of ground coffee was opened, dug through, and dropped.

Hmm. Coffee, but no coffee pot. Instant noodles, but no microwave. A TV remote control but no TV. It seems that all of the appliances have, shall we say, walked off. Wonder who might be responsible for that...

In the wall to the west is the door back into Santaland.
You examine remote
The remote control for the TV that was stolen from the break room.
You open the remote
(first taking the TV remote control)
You snap open the battery compartment on the TV remote control, remove the pair of AA batteries, and click the compartment closed.
You take the noodles
There's all sorts of post-looting debris here. None of it seems to be of much use.
You put the batteries in the flashlight
You put the pair of AA batteries into the flashlight and snap shut the battery compartment.
Go west
You are at the snowy, narrow intersection of several passages.

From here, pathways lead to the west (back to the train depot) and the north.

In the wall to the east is a door that someone has tried, unsuccessfully, to camouflage. Bits of fake holly are stuck to it, but not enough that it blends in with the rest of the hedges. Plus, they did nothing to hide the shiny doorknob.
You go north
AHA! You knew you'd find it eventually!

You stand on the border between Santaland and the rest of the world, where the maze of fake shrubbery finally gives way to shiny, angular architecture. Who'd have thought you would be so happy to once again see polished PVC flooring.

The mall exit lies just to the north: two sets of shiny glass doors and then freedom.
You go to the south
You are at the snowy, narrow intersection of several passages.

From here, pathways lead to the west (back to the train depot) and the north (back toward the mall exit).

In the wall to the east is a door that someone has tried, unsuccessfully, to camouflage. Bits of fake holly are stuck to it, but not enough that it blends in with the rest of the hedges. Plus, they did nothing to hide the shiny doorknob.
Go west
Here kids can (beg their parents to) pay an additional $5 to have their picture taken aboard the H&O Railroad. In other malls, you recall seeing Santaland setups with working trains chugging along through their little Santa-scapes, but this one seems much less elaborate.

In the hedge wall to the south stands the stony arch of a tunnel. From the tunnel emerges a narrow set of train tracks. The tracks run north across the turf and slip under a closed door in the hedge.

The facade of a little ticket booth stands next to the tunnel.
You turn on the flashlight
You switch the flashlight on.
You go to the south
The plaster cave, you are somewhat disappointed to note (now that you've got a light in here), is just a dead end. The narrow train tracks terminate here and lead north out of the tunnel.

A cartoony, brightly-colored locomotive sits on the tracks. It is large enough for two kids (or perhaps one adult) to sit on.

On the ground behind the locomotive sits a small electric generator.
You examine the locomotive
The locomotive is a rideable kid-sized version, which means you can mount the train (and, once you are on the thing, dismount it).
Mount train
You mount the locomotive. You're a bit bigger than the usual clientele, but you manage to find a comfortable-enough way to straddle it.
Examine generator
A small electric generator sits on the ground behind the locomotive. The two devices are coupled together and, you gather, the generator is the power source for the vehicle. It is completely silent.
You turn on the generator
With a hum and a puff of ozone, the generator powers up.
Wait
Time passes.
Dismount
You dismount the locomotive.
You look at the generator
A small electric generator sits on the ground behind the locomotive. The two devices are coupled together and, you gather, the generator is the power source for the vehicle. It hums softly.
Mount train
You mount the locomotive.
Ride train
You are already riding the locomotive.
You drive the train
To operate the locomotive, mount it and then GO or DRIVE in a direction.
You go north
Depot (on the locomotive)
Here kids can (beg their parents to) pay an additional $5 to have their picture taken aboard the H&O Railroad. In other malls, you recall seeing Santaland setups with working trains chugging along through their little Santa-scapes, but this one seems much less elaborate.

In the hedge wall to the south stands the stony arch of a tunnel. From the tunnel emerges a narrow set of train tracks. The tracks run north across the turf and slip under a closed door in the hedge.

The facade of a little ticket booth stands next to the tunnel.
You go north
The train chugs toward the quaint wooden door. Just as collision seems inevitable, the door pops open and the train plows headlong not into the mall, as you would have expected, but into a long dark corridor.

The train continues through the disorienting darkness for some time, then suddenly emerges (you're not quite sure how) into startling territory.

Snowy Landscape (on the locomotive)
You find yourself in the middle of a grove of pine trees with the full expanse of the night sky opening above you. A full moon shines down and sparkles off the fluffy foot of snow coating the landscape, and the fat flakes that continue to fall lazily.

A red and white striped signpost juts out of the snow bearing a snow-flecked sign.

Nearby stands a small building.
You examine signpost
The sign, in a sort of chunky, old-timey lettering reads: NORTH POLE.
You examine the building
The charming cabin seems to hunch itself contentedly in the snow, nesting like some furry arctic animal. It has a steep, shingled roof and dark wooden siding which frames a door and a window. Smoke drifts from the chimney. Icicles hang from the eaves.
You open the door
You climb off the locomotive and approach the workshop door.

You are, by this point in your evening, less than totally surprised to find that the door to the little cabin is locked.
You unlock door
Nothing you have would seem to be a candidate for unlocking this door.
You examine the door
The cabin door is nothing particularly interesting. Very practical and tight-fitting.
You look at the window
The simple four-pane window has thick glass. Through it you can see the inside of the cabin.
You open the window
The window is tightly fitted into its frame to protect against the weather. You can't open it from out here.
You break the window
Yes, you're starting to get desperate, but vandalism? You'd be getting coal in your stocking until you're in a home.
You look through the window
You peer through the window into the cabin and see a cozy sort of den. To the left of the window, an overstuffed armchair stands by a crackling fireplace. To the right, there is a large work table with papers scattered across it. On the table stands a reindeer statue made of what appears to be copper.
You examine the statue
Which do you mean, the gold reindeer statue, the silver reindeer statue, or the copper reindeer statue?
You look at the copper statue
Crafted of shiny copper, the reindeer (like the other statues) is about six inches tall at the shoulder. You can practically hear the jingle bells on the reindeer's collar as it begins a jump into the air. The poised muscles of the leaping stag are as carefully sculpted as the elaborate antlers.
You examine the skirt
The nine reindeer have been beautifully rendered by the hand of an expert rug maker. The reindeer are not identified (except for Rudolph, whose nose gives him away), but they stand in single file between Rudolph and Santa's present filled sleigh.

The four reindeer behind Rudolph are standing on their back legs as though ready to leap into the air. The next four have all hooves on the ground.

Alternating pairs of reindeer wear different decorations: the first two reindeer behind Rudolph have holly wreaths around their necks. The next two wear collars clustered with jingle bells. The third pair again wear wreaths. The last two reindeer again wear bells.

Every other reindeer, starting with the one behind Rudolph, has an impressive rack of antlers. The antlers of the other reindeer are smaller.
You go to the south
Yes, you came from the south, but now the train tracks stretch on for what seems like miles in that direction. Surely you can't make it on foot (especially without your coat).
Mount train
You mount the locomotive.
Go south
As the locomotive starts along the track, a sudden gust of wind whips up a white wall of snow. A moment later you find yourself back in the mall, a shower of styrofoam shavings drifting to the floor around you.

Depot (on the locomotive)
Here kids can (beg their parents to) pay an additional $5 to have their picture taken aboard the H&O Railroad. In other malls, you recall seeing Santaland setups with working trains chugging along through their little Santa-scapes, but this one seems much less elaborate.

In the hedge wall to the south stands the stony arch of a tunnel. From the tunnel emerges a narrow set of train tracks. The tracks run north across the turf and slip under a closed door in the hedge.

The facade of a little ticket booth stands next to the tunnel.
Dismount
You dismount the locomotive.
You go west
You are at the narrow, snowy intersection of several passages.

From here, pathways lead to the south (back to Santa's workshop), the west (back to the room with the copper panel), and the east (back to Santa's chair and its trap door).
You go west
This corner of Santaland would be indistinguishable from the neighboring passages were it not for an unexpected feature (less unexpected than it would have been earlier, though, since you have already seen something just like it).

Mounted in the fake hedge-wall you see a glinting copper panel.
Continue
You turn the dial and the word "Dancer" appears in the window.

Faintly, a little chime plays somewhere to the north. It's over before you can really catch it, but it was either "Ha-a-a-le-lu-jah!" from Handel's Messiah or "Fi-i-i-ve Go-o-o-ld Rings", you can't be sure. Anyhow, you take it as a good sign.
You open the chair
You push against Santa's big comfy chair and the platform tips slowly back on a hidden hinge. Beneath the chair, a stairway leads downwards.
You go downward
The stairs go on for a long way. Eventually you reach the bottom.

The cramped little cave-room is hoarded with piles of merchandise. It appears to be a dead end.

The light from the mall is just a small, bright square far above you.

But there, lying among the debris, is your coat!

You can also see a digital camera, coffee pot, television, and microwave oven here.
You take all
digital camera: It's tempting to just "acquire" a few extra gifts on the cheap, but you have more of a conscience than to take the already-stolen digital camera.
coffee pot: It's tempting to just "acquire" a few extra gifts on the cheap, but you have more of a conscience than to take the already-stolen coffee pot.
television: It's tempting to just "acquire" a few extra gifts on the cheap, but you have more of a conscience than to take the already-stolen television.
microwave oven: It's tempting to just "acquire" a few extra gifts on the cheap, but you have more of a conscience than to take the already-stolen microwave oven.
keys: You still won't need those until you find your car, but maybe now would be a good time to go ahead and wear your coat.
summer sausage: Taken.
cheese log: Taken.
bunch of straw: Taken.
You describe your surroundings
The cramped little cave-room is hoarded with piles of merchandise. It appears to be a dead end.

The light from the mall is just a small, bright square far above you.

You can also see a digital camera, coffee pot, television, and microwave oven here.
Up
You climb back up the long, dark staircase.

The heart of Santaland and the destination of families from miles around. It's not your destination, of course, but that doesn't change the fact that parents and children have for years made pilgrimages to this spot to have their pictures taken with Santa Claus.

Santa's big comfy chair  is tipped back, revealing the hidden staircase underneath. The stairs lead down into darkness.

Next to Santa's chair is a beautifully decorated Christmas tree. There are no presents beneath the tree, perhaps to better display the colorful decorative tree skirt underneath which was, until recently, spread out beneath it.
Go east
Here kids can (beg their parents to) pay an additional $5 to have their picture taken aboard the H&O Railroad. In other malls, you recall seeing Santaland setups with working trains chugging along through their little Santa-scapes, but this one seems much less elaborate.

In the hedge wall to the south stands the stony arch of a tunnel. From the tunnel emerges a narrow set of train tracks. The tracks run north across the turf and slip under a closed door in the hedge.

The brightly-colored locomotive sits on the tracks.

The facade of a little ticket booth stands next to the tunnel.
Go east
You are at the snowy, narrow intersection of several passages.

From here, pathways lead to the west (back to the train depot) and the north (back toward the mall exit).

In the wall to the east is a door that someone has tried, unsuccessfully, to camouflage. Bits of fake holly are stuck to it, but not enough that it blends in with the rest of the hedges. Plus, they did nothing to hide the shiny doorknob.
Go north
You stand on the border between Santaland and the rest of the world, where the maze of fake shrubbery finally gives way to shiny, angular architecture. Who'd have thought you would be so happy to once again see polished PVC flooring.

The mall exit lies just to the north: two sets of shiny glass doors and then freedom.
You go to the north
Finally! After a long and unexpectedly difficult night, you pass through the sliding glass doors and step out into the chilly parking lot.

You feel a flash of guilt about keeping the gold reindeer statue and the silver reindeer statue, but after a moment's reflection about all the elf has put you through, that feeling passes.

Now... where the heck is your car?
You check your inventory
You are carrying:
a bunch of straw
a cheese log
a summer sausage
your coat (being worn)
a TV remote control
a flashlight (providing light)
a plastic husk
a serrated knife
a scented candle (closed)
the letter
the fancy tree skirt
a Hickory Farms gift box (open but empty)
You put the log in the box
You put the cheese log into the Hickory Farms gift box.
You put the sausage in the box
You put the summer sausage into the Hickory Farms gift box.
You put the straw in the box
You put the bunch of straw into the Hickory Farms gift box.
You put the knife in the box
You put the serrated knife into the Hickory Farms gift box.
You go to the north
Finally! After a long and unexpectedly difficult night, you pass through the sliding glass doors and step out into the chilly parking lot.

Now... where the heck is your car?