Janitor
Peter Seebach
anti-game collaboration gender-neutral protagonist humor IF Competition 2002 IFComp Game meta parser text adventurer protagonist walkthrough Xyzzy Awards 2002
%
HELLO CHEF!!!!!1 You must make FOOD!
You have a list! First to food wins!

You are a Chef!

Hello Cook!!! You are outside a SHOP. You can go north-east or
east. The SHOP is here. An exit leads south. Also there is a POT here.
You examine pot
This is the pot!! In which to put your items! There's nothing in the SOUP pot.
Inventory
You have a list.
You look at list
Hello Chef!! You must find items to put in the pot! This will enable the food to be properly made: attention!

The food requires the following ingredients: potato, monkey, octopus, cabbage, paperclips, tomato. Later the MYSTERY INGREDIENT will be delivered!You hear squidge from northeast!
You look around
Hello Cook!!! You are outside a SHOP. You can go north-east or
east. The SHOP is here. An exit leads south. Also there is a POT here.
An apple falls from the sky!
You look at the shop
The SHOP is known as 'End of Days'. It is however entitled 'A Freak Accident leaves Seattle Pantsless' due to a strange experience in aught-six.You hear potato from northeast!

You hear squish from northeast!

Monkey falls from the sky!
You take the monkey
Chef, you cannot take the MONKEY without the BANANA!!
You hear clink from south!

You hear clunk from south!

Lost sock falls from the sky!

Magnet falls from the sky!

You hear cackle from south!
You take the magnet
Taken.
Go south
Hello Cook!!! There is a LOT of PARKING here because this is a PARKING LOT. Ha ha! A joke! You are permitted by the cars to go only northwards.
You see a fork, a tongs, and the Blair Witch here.
Salmon falls from the sky!

Chocolate falls from the sky!

You hear fwish from north!
You examine the list
Hello Chef!! You must find items to put in the pot! This will enable the food to be properly made: attention!

The food requires the following ingredients: potato, monkey, octopus, cabbage, paperclips, tomato. Later the MYSTERY INGREDIENT will be delivered!Loaf of bread falls from the sky!

You hear tinkle-tinkle from north!

You hear blorsh from north!
You take the bread
Taken. You hear plop from north!

You hear husk from north!

You hear thud from north!
Go north
You see a an apple, a monkey, a lost sock, a pepper, a corn, and a cabbage here.
You take the cabbage
Chef, you cannot take the CABBAGE without the PEPPER!!
You look
Hello Cook!!! You are outside a SHOP. You can go north-east or
east. The SHOP is here. An exit leads south. Also there is a POT here.
You see a an apple, a monkey, a lost sock, and a corn here.
Inventory
You have a list, a magnet, a loaf of bread, a pepper, and a cabbage.
You put the cabbage in the the pot
Good work Chef!!! But you must find more!! Ingrredients!!!
Look around
Hello Cook!!! You are outside a SHOP. You can go north-east or
east. The SHOP is here. An exit leads south. Also there is a POT here.
You see a an apple, a monkey, a lost sock, and a corn here. The
SOUP pot seems to contain a cabbage.
You go northeast
Hello Cook!!! This is the corner. There is a 23rd here. Also a Lincoln. You can go south-west.
You see a giant octopus, a potato, a bruised tomato, a paperclips,
a yogurt, and a banana here.
You get all
giant octopus: Chef, you cannot take the GIANT OCTOPUS without the TONGS!!
potato: Taken.
bruised tomato: Taken.
paperclips: Taken.
yogurt: Taken.
banana: Chef, you cannot take the BANANA without the CORN!!
You look at your surroundings
Hello Cook!!! This is the corner. There is a 23rd here. Also a Lincoln. You can go south-west.
You see a giant octopus and a banana here.
Go southwest
You see a an apple, a monkey, a lost sock, and a corn here. The
SOUP pot seems to contain a cabbage.
You take the corn
Taken.
About yourself
You look about the same as always.
You go to the northeast
You see a giant octopus and a banana here.
You take OCTOPUS
Chef, you cannot take the GIANT OCTOPUS without the TONGS!!
You go southwest
You see a an apple, a monkey, and a lost sock here. The SOUP pot seems to contain a cabbage.
Inventory
You have a list, a magnet, a loaf of bread, a pepper, a potato, a bruised tomato, a paperclips, a yogurt, a corn, and a banana.
You look at the list
Hello Chef!! You must find items to put in the pot! This will enable the food to be properly made: attention!

The food requires the following ingredients: potato, monkey, octopus, cabbage, paperclips, tomato. Later the MYSTERY INGREDIENT will be delivered!
You examine pot
This is the pot!! In which to put your items! In the SOUP pot you see a cabbage, a bruised tomato, a monkey, a paperclips, and a potato.
Look around
Hello Cook!!! You are outside a SHOP. You can go north-east or
east. The SHOP is here. An exit leads south. Also there is a POT here.
You see a an apple and a lost sock here. The SOUP pot seems to contain a cabbage, a bruised tomato, a monkey, a paperclips, and a potato.
Go south
You see a fork, a tongs, the Blair Witch, a salmon, and a chocolate here.
You go north
You see a an apple and a lost sock here. The SOUP pot seems to contain a cabbage, a bruised tomato, a monkey, a paperclips, and a potato.
Go northeast
You see a giant octopus here.
You put OCTOPUS in the pot
Good work Chef!!! But you must find more!! Ingrredients!!!
A funny clown runs out of the room!A funny clown runs into the room!
You look at your surroundings
Hello Cook!!! You are outside a SHOP. You can go north-east or
east. The SHOP is here. An exit leads south. Also there is a POT here.
You see a an apple and a lost sock here. The SOUP pot seems to contain a cabbage, a bruised tomato, a monkey, a paperclips, a potato, and a giant octopus.
A funny clown runs out of the room!Iron safe falls from the sky!
It lands on top of clown and breaks open!
You examine safe
In the iron safe you see a MYSTERY INGREDIENT.
You examine MYSTERY INGREDIENT
I cannot tell you! It is a mystery!!
You put MYSTERY INGREDIENT in the pot
You have completed the soup!! You retired with the FOOD in triumph!! Congratulations Chef!!!
%
... the whistle blows, and it's the end of another day at the Flavorplex Text Adventure Company. The end, that is, for everyone but you. You're the new janitor, and it's your first day on the job.

It's a living.
Copyright 2002 Peter Seebach / Kevin Lynn

You are in the company break room, complete with the employee fridge, where you could store your lunch, if you had a lunch. Access corridors lead north, south, east, and west. Your supply closet is to the northwest, and the receptionist's office is to the northeast. Next to the safety and motivational posters, a pin-up calendar adorns the dingy wall, currently displaying Ms. July.
Examine calendar
It's a traditional pin-up calendar, the sort that decorates breakrooms everywhere, roughly two years old. It is currently displaying Ms. July, a certain Ms. Veronica Ashcroft. She was quite the looker in her time.
You look at the posters
You would have to name a specific poster; try "safety" or "motivational".
You look at the safety
The safety poster explains that the game world is completely safe, and that there are no dangerous things present when mimesis is disrupted. It describes the procedure for filing a complaint should you find a way to die.
You examine motivational
The motivational poster details the core rules on which all text adventures are founded. You have been instructed to read them all every day; perhaps this would be a good time. Just look at "rule 1" through "rule 10".
You examine the rule 1
1. You do not talk about janitor club.
You examine the rule 2
2. This is not a game. This is a world.
You examine rule 3
3. The treasures are always real.
You look at the rule 4
4. No lethal traps without clear warning.
You examine the rule 5
5. You do not need to save and restore to win the game.
You examine the rule 6
6. There's more to theatre than repetition.
You look at rule 7
7. There's more to theatre than repetition.
You examine the rule 8
8. But not much.
You examine the rule 9
9. Every room has a purpose.
You examine the rule 10
10. Every puzzle has a reason to be there.
Look around
You are in the company break room, complete with the employee fridge, where you could store your lunch, if you had a lunch. Access corridors lead north, south, east, and west. Your supply closet is to the northwest, and the receptionist's office is to the northeast. Next to the safety and motivational posters, a pin-up calendar adorns the dingy wall, currently displaying Ms. July.
You examine the fridge
It's a large, white fridge, of the sort that decorates breakrooms everywhere. It makes an odd buzzing sound when it's running, and the temperature inside ranges from below the freezing point of water to just warm enough to completely melt butter. Optimistically, you assume that it lacks energy star certification only because it predates the time when energy conservation was understood to be an issue.
You open the fridge
Almost before the door opens, a dingy light comes on, illuminating the insides of the fridge.

You open the refrigerator, revealing some tin cans, a sack and a plastic tub.
You examine cans
It's a large stack of tin cans, each labeled "That Looks More Like Hot Air Balloon Fuel Than Butter".
You look at the sack
An elongated brown sack, smelling of hot peppers. It came from a restaurant called the Heisenberg Cafe, whose slogan is "You Only Know What You Ordered Until It Gets There".
You open the sack
You open the sack, revealing a lunch and a clove of garlic.
You read july
What do you want to read in?
Flip calendar
You flip ahead to August, revealing one Iris.
You examine Iris
It's a traditional pin-up calendar, the sort that decorates breakrooms everywhere, roughly two years old. It is currently displaying Ms. August, a certain Iris. She was quite the looker in her time.
Flip calendar
You flip ahead to September, revealing one Auda.
You look at Auda
It's a traditional pin-up calendar, the sort that decorates breakrooms everywhere, roughly two years old. It is currently displaying Ms. September, a certain Auda. She was quite the looker in her time.
You look at Elaine
It's a traditional pin-up calendar, the sort that decorates breakrooms everywhere, roughly two years old. It is currently displaying Ms. October, a certain Governor Elaine Marley. She was quite the looker in her time.
Flip calendar
You flip ahead to November, revealing one Tamara Lynd.
You look at Tamara
It's a traditional pin-up calendar, the sort that decorates breakrooms everywhere, roughly two years old. It is currently displaying Ms. November, a certain Tamara Lynd. She was quite the looker in her time.
Flip calendar
You flip ahead to December, revealing one Meriday Beth Komor.
You examine meriday
It's a traditional pin-up calendar, the sort that decorates breakrooms everywhere, roughly two years old. It is currently displaying Ms. December, a certain Meriday Beth Komor.

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"Meriday in the Morning"

(& Meriday too!)

(Copyright 1992-2002 Mike Jittlov and Meriday Beth Komor, used by kind permission)
Go northwest
You can't leave the fridge open! It would waste energy.
You close fridge
As the door closes, the light goes out. Or does it?
You go northwest
If a man's home is his castle, then a janitor's supply closet is his outhouse. It's dingy and dirty, uncomfortable, and smelly, but you would be pretty uncomfortable if you couldn't come here occasionally. To the southeast is a room which, in the same metaphor, might be considered your dungeon.

Proud and unbent, the mop stands in the corner; it calls to you.

You can also see a cannister of orange smoke, some spare light bulbs, some dirty magazines and a bucket of dirty water (which is empty) here.
You take all
mop: Taken.
cannister of orange smoke: The cannister of orange smoke was depleted during a fierce debate about the ownership of certain lunchy comestibles, and is of no interest.
spare light bulbs: You take the top bulb off the stack.
Taken.
dirty magazines: Taken.
bucket of dirty water: Taken.
You examine magazines
The dirty magazines appear to be wholly interchangeable, and furthermore stuck together.
You examine the bucket
The bucket contains some dingy grey water.
Look around
You are in the company break room, complete with the employee fridge, where you could store your lunch, if you had a lunch. Access corridors lead north, south, east, and west. Your supply closet is to the northwest, and the receptionist's office is to the northeast. Next to the safety and motivational posters, a pin-up calendar adorns the dingy wall, currently displaying Ms. December.
Flip calendar
You flip the calendar back to January, revealing one Tiffany.
You examine Tiffany
It's a traditional pin-up calendar, the sort that decorates breakrooms everywhere, roughly two years old. It is currently displaying Ms. January, a certain Tiffany. She was quite the looker in her time.
Go northeast
This office is an interesting combination between Art Deco and the fads of the 80's. At least all the earth tones were taken out during the last remodeling. The vast cherrywood doors to the north lead to your boss's office; they are illuminated by lamps which were probably tasteful at least briefly during the 70's. The smell of stale coffee comes from the southwest.

The receptionist, Eva, is sitting at a sterile white desk, typing on a computer probably five years older than the desk.
You look at Eva
Eva, your boss's secretary, is a tough, no-nonsense sort of woman with two-inch fingernails. She is thin almost to the point of being bony. You have no idea how she types, although she apparently types all the correspondence for the office. She has a great affection for gaudy and showy objects; she probably likes black velvet paintings and plush animals, too.
You examine the desk
It's formed from a "space age" plastic, which is to say, it's probably particle board with vinyl covering. It's not very interesting.
You look at the computer
It's a very old computer.
Hello
"Excuse me?" Eva looks up from her typing.
You ask Eva about the job
"Hey, honey. Still toiling away? Don't worry if it takes a while to get oriented. I just have to finish up this web page update before I head home. It's a real bummer you can't get the normal on-the-job training; the last guy went crazy, or something. He was always talking to his mop. You look like a smart kid; you'll figure it out."
You examine the mop
A beautiful mop, this is equipped with all the extra features, including the mimesis disruptor, and some kind of arrangement of perpetually damp yarn whose function is not apparent. The mimesis-disruption field is currently disengaged.
You turn on the mop
You engage the mimesis disruptor.
You ask Eva about the boss
"He already left for the day; he blew out of here about a minute after the whistle blew."
You go north
Eva stops you. "You can't go in there!"
Go south
You are in Access Corridor S1, which leads south and north from here. You can see the break room to the north, and the smell of stale snack foods and burnt coffee is strangely appealing. The fluorescent lights above you flicker irregularly, dimly illuminating the doors to the east and west.
Access door S1E is here, standing open.
Access door S1W is here, standing open.
You go south
You are in Access Corridor S2, which leads south and north from here. The fluorescent lights above you flicker irregularly, dimly illuminating the doors to the east and west.
Access door S2E is here, standing open.
Access door S2W is here, standing open.
You go south
You are in Access Corridor S3, which leads south and north from here. The corridor goes through a half-twist to the south, joining with one of the other corridors in a way you've never quite understood. The fluorescent lights above you flicker irregularly, dimly illuminating the doors to the east and west.
Access door S3E is here, standing open.
Access door S3W is here, standing open.
You examine the mop
A beautiful mop, this is equipped with all the extra features, including the mimesis disruptor, and some kind of arrangement of perpetually damp yarn whose function is not apparent. The mimesis-disruption field is currently engaged.
You turn mop off
You disengage the mimesis disruptor.
You look through the door
Which do you mean, janitor's door S3E or janitor's door S3W?
You examine the mop
A beautiful mop, this is equipped with all the extra features, including the mimesis disruptor, and some kind of arrangement of perpetually damp yarn whose function is not apparent. The mimesis-disruption field is currently disengaged.
You go south
You are in Access Corridor N3, which leads north and south from here. The corridor goes through a half-twist to the north, joining with one of the other corridors in a way you've never quite understood. The fluorescent lights above you flicker irregularly, dimly illuminating the doors to the east and west.
Access door N3E is here, standing open.
Access door N3W is here, standing open.
You close n3e door
You close janitor's door N3E.
You turn the mop on
You engage the mimesis disruptor.
You look at the bucket
The bucket contains some dingy tinsel, apparently intended to give the illusion of dirty water.
You open the n3e
You open janitor's door N3E.
Go east
This cozy basement has beautiful wood-panel walls. Above you is the living room, and a doorway is to the west. A heavy iron ladder hangs down from the ceiling.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door N3E, which is open.
You turn off the mop
You disengage the mimesis disruptor.
Look around
This cozy basement has beautiful wood-panel walls. Above you is the living room, and a doorway is to the west. A heavy iron ladder hangs down from the ceiling.
You look at the ladder
It's a wrought-iron ladder, firmly attached to the ceiling.
Go west
This bare stone room contains a couple of large rocks, one covered with little fragments of broken clockwork. A passageway leads east.
You look at the fragments
It's a pile of small broken bits of clockwork on one of the rocks.
Go upward
You are unable to climb the trap door.
You look at the trapdoor
It's a beautiful oak trap door, with fine brass fittings, which is currently closed.
You open the trapdoor
You can't budge it; it seems to be mechanically driven.
You go to the west
This bare stone room contains a couple of large rocks, one covered with little fragments of broken clockwork. A passageway leads east.

In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door E3S, which is open.
Go west
This room is like a giant safe. The shelving on one side has a small, descriptive plaque. The vault door is to the north.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door N3W, which is open.

You can also see a pedestal here.
You read the plaque
The plaque reads:
"resu eht swolla gnizaG fo brO delbaf ehT
.secalp dna semit tnatsid ees ot"
You look at the pedestal
The pedastal looks like the base of a gumball machine; the jar is missing.
You go north
The living room's south wall contains a vast steel door. To the east is a foyer, to the north a kitchen, to the west a parlor, and a spiral staircase used to lead upwards, but has fallen into disrepair. A ratty old couch sits in the corner.
The floor is bare hardwood, except for the trap door in the center of the room, which is closed.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door W3N, which is open.
You turn off the mop
You disengage the mimesis disruptor.
You look at your surroundings
The living room's south wall contains a vast steel door. To the east is a foyer, to the north a kitchen, to the west a parlor, and a spiral staircase used to lead upwards, but has fallen into disrepair. A ratty old couch sits in the corner.
The floor is bare hardwood, except for the trap door in the center of the room, which is closed.
You go to the south
This room is like a giant safe. The shelving on one side has a small, descriptive plaque. The vault door is to the north.

You can also see a pedestal here.
You turn on the mop
You engage the mimesis disruptor.
Look around
This room is like a giant safe. The shelving on one side has a small, descriptive plaque. The vault door is to the north.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door N3W, which is open.

You can also see a pedestal here.
You examine the couch
It's a ratty old sofa which looks like it's seen a lot of use. Who knows which treasure its cushions hide?
You look at the cushions
They're just ordinary cushions which have seen better days.
You turn off mop
That's already off.
Go north
This tiny kitchen is incredibly cluttered, and contains a large refrigerator. There used to be a stove, but it was removed because of the fire hazard. A doorway leads south.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door E2S, which is open.
Describe the surroundings
This tiny kitchen is incredibly cluttered, and contains a large refrigerator. There used to be a stove, but it was removed because of the fire hazard. A doorway leads south.
You look at the fridge
It's a large dingy grey refrigerator; it might have been white 20 years ago. The handle is on the left, and a small tag reads "Anama".
You open the fridge
Almost before the door opens, a dingy light comes on, illuminating the insides of the fridge.
You open the refrigerator, revealing a top shelf and a bottom shelf.
You examine the top shelf
This shelf is nearly covered with butter substitutes.
You examine the butter substitutes
It's a bunch of butter substitutes; among those present are:
More Buttery Than Not
Are You Tired Of Choosing Between Guns And Butter
If That's Butter, Then I'm Richard Nixon
Definitely Some Sort Of Lipid
It Goes On Toast, Anyway
Roadsign Yellow Extreme Butter Substitute
Butter My Ass!
You Could Convince Me That's Not Butter
I Am Starting To Suspect That's Not Butter
It Seems Probable That's Not Butter
I Would Bet Money That's Not Butter
Does That Look Like Butter To You?
I Sure Hope That's Not Butter
Dear God, Don't Let That Be Butter
You examine the bottom shelf
This shelf is the place of honor for a single stick of butter, on a marble pedestal.On the bottom shelf is a stick of butter.
You examine the butter
(the stick of butter)
It's a stick of real butter on a marble pedestal.
You take the butter
(the stick of butter)
You don't need the butter. It's fine where it is.
Go south
You can't leave the fridge open. The contents might spoil. Or... escape.
You close fridge
As the door closes, the light goes out. Or does it?
Go south
The living room's south wall contains a vast steel door. To the east is a foyer, to the north a kitchen, to the west a parlor, and a spiral staircase used to lead upwards, but has fallen into disrepair. A ratty old couch sits in the corner.
The floor is bare hardwood, except for the trap door in the center of the room, which is closed.
Go east
You are in the foyer of a shiny, new mansion. There is no mat on the floor. The outside world is to the east, the house is to the west.
Go east
An overwhelming certainty strikes: If you leave by that door, clowns will eat you.
Go west
This dim parlor is richly furnished. A small window on the north wall looks out onto a sandy desert. A large grey mirror is on the west wall, and a doorway leads east.
You examine the window
The window peers out into an expanse of windswept dunes.
You look at the mirror
The mirror above the mantelpiece reflects the room through a dim haze; it's made with smoked glass. The mirror has a few smudges and fingerprints on it. In the mirror, the living room is plushly carpeted, but the couch has been moved into the parlor. Curiously, your reflection holds a sputtering torch, giving off a small stream of inky smoke, which blends into the mirror's smoked glass.
You pull the couch
You are unable to.
You take the couch
That's hardly portable.
You go northeast
You are in Access Corridor W3, which leads west and east from here. The corridor goes through a half-twist to the west, joining with one of the other corridors in a way you've never quite understood. The fluorescent lights above you flicker irregularly, dimly illuminating the doors to the north and south.
Access door W3S is here, standing open.
Access door W3N is here, standing open.
You go south
A peaceful living room. The entire north wall is taken up by the vast steel door of a large safe. A trail of muddy footprints suggests a foyer to the west, and the doorway to the south leads to a cluttered kitchen. Spiral stairs ascend to the attic. The parlor is east of here.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door W3S, which is open.

A square section of the carpet has been cut out on three sides, revealing a trap door.
Go down
The basement smells faintly of mold. The walls are constructed of solid concrete. A trap door is set in the ceiling above. Doorways lead north, east, and west, while a hole in the wall leads into a natural cavern to the south. Thin grooves are worn in the floor, leading into the room to the west.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door W1S, which is open.

An uncovered ladder leads up to the trap door.
Go north
This room is full of half-finished wickerwork projects. Some of them are quite impressively ambitious, but almost none of them are complete. A doorway leads south.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door W2S, which is open.
You examine the runes
One of the many generic access doors used, this one is labeled "W2S".
You go east
This bare stone room contains a couple of large rocks, one covered with bird droppings. A doorway leads west.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door W2N, which is open.
You examine the droppings
It's a pile of bird droppings on one of the rocks.
You examine the rocks
It's just a couple of large rocks, perhaps suitable for perching, and covered with bird droppings.
Clean rock
You clean up the bird droppings.
You look at the rock
It's just a couple of large rocks, perhaps suitable for perching.
You go to the west
This room was once a wine cellar; a few bits and pieces of broken bottles have been swept into the corner. A doorway leads east to the rest of the basement. The old wine racks tower above you. Thin grooves are worn in the floor, leading back to the basement.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door S1E, which is open.

A jagged hole in the wall leads south.
You go to the south
This claustrophobic space is unoccupied.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door E3N, which is open.

A jagged hole in the wall leads north.
Go south
You are in a natural stone cavern. To the north, you can see the basement. Passages lead east and south.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door W1N, which is open.
A songbird sits here, singing beautifully.

You can also see a bird cage (which is closed and empty) here.
You examine the cage
A wicker cage, precisely the sort in which one keeps birds. It has a delicate little door, and a small perch; it actually looks quite comfortable, as cages go.
You examine the bird
A songbird. It has three little snake silhouettes on its left wing. It appears to be in shuffle-play.
You take the bird
The bird is not about to let itself be picked up by your grubby hands. It sings:
"Don't hand me no lines /
and keep your hands to yourself."
Perhaps the bird cage would help.
You put the bird in the cage
You entice the songbird into the wicker cage, closing the door quickly. It begins singing:
"In a cage sits a gold canary /
By a wicker chair and a rosewood loom /
As a soul ascends aboard the evening /
Canary sings to an empty room"
You look at what you're carrying with you
You are carrying:
a bird cage
a songbird
a bucket of tinsel
some dirty magazines
a live bulb
a mop
a sack (which is open)
a lunch
a clove of garlic
You go to the north
The basement smells faintly of mold. The walls are constructed of solid concrete. A trap door is set in the ceiling above. Doorways lead north, east, and west, while a hole in the wall leads into a natural cavern to the south. Thin grooves are worn in the floor, leading into the room to the west.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door W1S, which is open.

An uncovered ladder leads up to the trap door.
Go up
A peaceful living room. The entire north wall is taken up by the vast steel door of a large safe. A trail of muddy footprints suggests a foyer to the west, and the doorway to the south leads to a cluttered kitchen. Spiral stairs ascend to the attic. The parlor is east of here.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door W3S, which is open.

A square section of the carpet has been cut out on three sides, revealing a trap door.
Go upwards
The attic has been converted into a cozy reading nook. A small wooden table sits in the center of the room, next to a large and comfortable-looking reading chair. A floor lamp stands behind the chair, casting a warm glow over the room. Stairs down are the only exit.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door S3E, which is open.

On the table is a butter cookbook.
You take the cookbook
(putting the sack into the bucket of tinsel to make room)
Taken.
You check what you're carrying
You are carrying:
a butter cookbook
a bird cage
a songbird
a bucket of tinsel
a sack (which is open)
a lunch
a clove of garlic
some dirty magazines
a live bulb
a mop
You look around
A peaceful living room. The entire north wall is taken up by the vast steel door of a large safe. A trail of muddy footprints suggests a foyer to the west, and the doorway to the south leads to a cluttered kitchen. Spiral stairs ascend to the attic. The parlor is east of here.

A square section of the carpet has been cut out on three sides, revealing a trap door.
You examine the footprints
A trail of muddy footprints. Why don't adventurers ever wipe their feet?
Go west
You are in the foyer of an old mansion. A mat on the floor is labeled "Welcome to our home, wipe your feet". The outside world is to the west, the house is to the east. Ahead lie the five Great Treasures... and fame!
You go west
Enraged monster-rights protesters are picketing the mansion; best not to get in their way.
You turn on the mop
You engage the mimesis disruptor.

You are in a sumptuously decorated parlor, containing a mantelpiece with a vast mirror above it. The sumptuous decorations consist of an old, ratty, couch. The living room is back to the west. A window-frame on the south wall contains a picture of a sunny field. A light fixture above the window contains a burned-out bulb.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door E2N, which is open.
Change bulb
(the live bulb)
Nothing obvious happens.
You take the bulb
(the live bulb)
You already have that.
You takthe burned-out bulb
(putting the mop into the bucket of tinsel to make room)
It wouldn't fit.
You examine the yarn
It's entirely unclear what function this is intended to serve. It appears to be a tangled mass of thick, damp, yarn, attached to one end of your mop. You've never seen its like before.
You ask the mop about live
"You're smart. You figure it out."
You ask the mop about the job
"You're a janitor. Get everything ready for people to come back tomorrow."
You put the cookbook in the bucket
You put the butter cookbook into the bucket of tinsel.
Look around
You are in a sumptuously decorated parlor, containing a mantelpiece with a vast mirror above it. The sumptuous decorations consist of an old, ratty, couch. The living room is back to the west. A window-frame on the south wall contains a picture of a sunny field. A light fixture above the window is empty.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door E2N, which is open.
You look around
You are in a sumptuously decorated parlor, containing a mantelpiece with a vast mirror above it. The sumptuous decorations consist of an old, ratty, couch. The living room is back to the west. A window-frame on the south wall contains a picture of a sunny field. A light fixture above the window contains a bright floodlight.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door E2N, which is open.
You examine mirror
The mirror above the mantelpiece reflects the room through a dim haze; it's made with smoked glass. The mirror has a few smudges and fingerprints on it. In the mirror, you can't spot the carpet in the living room, but there's a trap door in the middle of the living room floor. Also, the couch has been moved from the parlor to the living room. Curiously, your reflection holds a sputtering torch, giving off a small stream of inky smoke, which blends into the mirror's smoked glass.
You look around
You are in a sumptuously decorated parlor, containing a mantelpiece with a vast mirror above it. The sumptuous decorations consist of an old, ratty, couch. The living room is back to the west. Through the window on the south wall, you see a vast green field. Streams of sunlight pour in through the window.
Mop footprints
You clean up the muddy footprints.
Go west
A peaceful living room. The entire north wall is taken up by the vast steel door of a large safe. A freshly-cleaned region of carpet leads to the foyer to the west, and the doorway to the south leads to a cluttered kitchen. Spiral stairs ascend to the attic. The parlor is east of here.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door W3S, which is open.

A square section of the carpet has been cut out on three sides, revealing a trap door.
You look at your surroundings
A peaceful living room. The entire north wall is taken up by the vast steel door of a large safe. A freshly-cleaned region of carpet leads to the foyer to the west, and the doorway to the south leads to a cluttered kitchen. Spiral stairs ascend to the attic. The parlor is east of here.

A square section of the carpet has been cut out on three sides, revealing a trap door.
You fix the carpet
The open trap door is in the way.
Down
The basement smells faintly of mold. The walls are constructed of solid concrete. A trap door is set in the ceiling above. Doorways lead north, east, and west, while a hole in the wall leads into a natural cavern to the south. Thin grooves are worn in the floor, leading into the room to the west.

An uncovered ladder leads up to the trap door.
You examine the grooves
These thin grooves look like they're spaced about as widely as the base of a ladder.
You go to the south
You are in a natural stone cavern. To the north, you can see the basement. Passages lead east and south.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door W1N, which is open.
You go south
This warm, moist room seems perfectly suited to the keeping of reptiles. It is full of sculpted stone which appears to be intended to take the shape of natural rocks; the rock is warm to the touch, and a soft red light suffuses the room. A passageway leads north.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door E1S, which is open.
A little garter snake has curled up on one of the rocks, and appears to be ignoring you.

You can also see a dead janitor here.
You look at the janitor
Oh, dear. Now you know what happened to your predecessor; he was crushed by something shaped just like a snake, and probably about twice his size.
You look at the snake
A cute little garter snake. If it were bigger, it might want to threaten you. The snake seems content and even a bit sleepy, and ignores you.
Jan1
Enter saved game to store: Ok.
You describe your surroundings
This warm, moist room seems perfectly suited to the keeping of reptiles. It is full of sculpted stone which appears to be intended to take the shape of natural rocks; the rock is warm to the touch, and a soft red light suffuses the room. A passageway leads north.
A large snake has curled up on one of the rocks, and appears to be ignoring you.

You can also see a dead janitor here.
You examine the snake
Monty Anaconda! This is a huge snake; there's no way you could survive a confrontation with such a beast. The snake seems content and even a bit sleepy, and ignores you.
You turn off the mop
You disengage the mimesis disruptor.
That's odd, the snake (which you had nearly forgotten about) seems to be growing... and growing... and eating you. You are the weakest link; goodbye.
Jan1
Enter saved game to load: Ok.
You search janitor
As you look under the body, a diamond rolls out from under it.
You look at the diamond
A large, bluish, diamond, about two inches in diameter. It is heart-stoppingly beautiful, and the shimmering reflections it casts provide the corresponding CPR.
Go northeast
You are in Access Corridor E1, which leads east and west from here. You can see the break room to the west, and the smell of stale snack foods and burnt coffee is strangely appealing. The fluorescent lights above you flicker irregularly, dimly illuminating the doors to the north and south.
Access door E1S is here, standing open.
Access door E1N is here, standing open.
You go west
You are in the company break room, complete with the employee fridge, where you could store your lunch, if you had a lunch. Access corridors lead north, south, east, and west. Your supply closet is to the northwest, and the receptionist's office is to the northeast. Next to the safety and motivational posters, a pin-up calendar adorns the dingy wall, currently displaying Ms. January.
Go south
You are in Access Corridor S1, which leads south and north from here. You can see the break room to the north, and the smell of stale snack foods and burnt coffee is strangely appealing. The fluorescent lights above you flicker irregularly, dimly illuminating the doors to the east and west.
Access door S1E is here, standing open.
Access door S1W is here, standing open.
Go west
You are in the foyer of a shiny, new mansion. There is no mat on the floor. The outside world is to the east, the house is to the west.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door S3W, which is open.
You go west
The living room's south wall contains a vast steel door. To the east is a foyer, to the north a kitchen, to the west a parlor, and a spiral staircase used to lead upwards, but has fallen into disrepair. A ratty old couch sits in the corner.
The floor is bare hardwood, except for the trap door in the center of the room, which is closed.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door W3N, which is open.
Go downwards
You are unable to descend by the trap door.
You open the trapdoor
You can't budge it; it seems to be mechanically driven.
Go north
This tiny kitchen is incredibly cluttered, and contains a large refrigerator. There used to be a stove, but it was removed because of the fire hazard. A doorway leads south.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door E2S, which is open.
You go northeast
You are in Access Corridor E2, which leads east and west from here. The fluorescent lights above you flicker irregularly, dimly illuminating the doors to the north and south.
Access door E2S is here, standing open.
Access door E2N is here, standing open.
You go to the north
You are in a sumptuously decorated parlor, containing a mantelpiece with a vast mirror above it. The sumptuous decorations consist of an old, ratty, couch. The living room is back to the west. A window-frame on the south wall contains a picture of a sunny field. A light fixture above the window contains a bright floodlight.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door E2N, which is open.
You ask mop about mimesis
"How should I know? I'm just a mop. What would a talking mop know about the disruption of mimesis?"
Go north
You are on the east edge of a deep chasm above a stagnant pool. A large stone bridge leads to the other side, and a dark passageway leads east.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door E1N, which is open.
Go west
You are on a vast stone bridge over a stagnant pool, with a row of brass rungs, temporarily blocked by a giant lever which is just out of your reach, leading down to the base of the single vast pillar supporting the bridge. The bridge runs east and west.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door S2W, which is open.

A wrought-iron torch sconce is on the side of the bridge, covered with soot.

You can also see a hot-air balloon here.
You look at the sconce
It's a wrought-iron torch sconce. It is currently empty.
You check what you're carrying
You are carrying:
a bluish diamond
a dead bulb
a bird cage
a songbird
a bucket of tinsel
a butter cookbook
a sack (which is open)
a lunch
a clove of garlic
some dirty magazines
a mop
You put the magazines in the bucket
You put the dirty magazines into the bucket of tinsel.
You put bulb in the bucket
You put the dead bulb into the bucket of tinsel.
You take the sconce
That's fixed in place.
You pull the lever
It's too far away, and you couldn't do anything with it from the rungs. You'd need to find a way down there. You could always jump.
You examine the balloon
It looks like a hot-air balloon; it consists of a tarp made of parachute fabric, tied to a wicker basket.
Jan2
Enter saved game to store: Ok.
You jump
Whee!
Below of Chasm
You are standing at the base of the gigantic pillar supporting the bridge above you. A set of brass rungs set into the side of the pillar leads upwards. You are surrounded by a still pool of water. A large lever labeled "Bridge Control" is set in the pillar and blocks your way to the rungs.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door N1E, which is open.
You pull the lever
You switch the mechanism on.
You look around
You are standing at the base of the gigantic pillar supporting the bridge above you. A set of brass rungs set into the side of the pillar leads upwards. You are surrounded by a still pool of water. A large lever labeled "Bridge Control" is set in the pillar.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door N1E, which is open.
You examine the pool
It's just a shallow pool of water; you couldn't even keep a goldfish in it.
Go up
You are on a vast stone bridge over a stagnant pool, with a row of brass rungs leading down to the base of the single vast pillar supporting the bridge. The bridge runs east and west.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door S2W, which is open.

A wrought-iron torch sconce is on the side of the bridge, covered with soot.
You turn off the mop
You disengage the mimesis disruptor.

It is now pitch dark in here!
You turn on the mop
You engage the mimesis disruptor.

You are on a vast stone bridge over a stagnant pool, with a row of brass rungs leading down to the base of the single vast pillar supporting the bridge. The bridge runs east and west.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door S2W, which is open.

A wrought-iron torch sconce is on the side of the bridge, covered with soot.
Go northeast
You are in Access Corridor N1, which leads north and south from here. You can see the break room to the south, and the smell of stale snack foods and burnt coffee is strangely appealing. The fluorescent lights above you flicker irregularly, dimly illuminating the doors to the east and west.
Access door N1E is here, standing open.
Access door N1W is here, standing open.
You go west
You are on the west edge of a deep chasm above a stagnant pool. A large stone bridge leads to the other side, and a dimly lit passageway leads west.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door N1W, which is open.
You go west
You are in a natural stone cavern. To the north, you can see the basement. Passages lead east and south.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door W1N, which is open.
You go to the east
The bridge must have turned around, or something, because you're back on the west side.

You are on the west edge of a deep chasm above a stagnant pool. A large stone bridge leads to the other side, and a dimly lit passageway leads west.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door N1W, which is open.
You go east
This grotto looks like the inside of a gigantic geode; every surface sparkles. A small hole in one wall catches the light. A passageway leads west.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door N2W, which is open.
You examine the hole
A hole in the wall looks as though it once contained an angular object perhaps two inches in diameter.
You put diamond in the hole
The diamond fits snugly and smoothly into the hole. You put the bluish diamond into the hole in the wall.
You look at your surroundings
This grotto looks like the inside of a gigantic geode; every surface sparkles. A sparkling gem set in the wall catches your eye; perhaps it could be pried out. A passageway leads west.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door N2W, which is open.
You turn off the mop
You disengage the mimesis disruptor.

It is now pitch dark in here!
You turn on the mop
You engage the mimesis disruptor.

This grotto looks like the inside of a gigantic geode; every surface sparkles. A sparkling gem set in the wall catches your eye; perhaps it could be pried out. A passageway leads west.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door N2W, which is open.
Go northeast
You are in Access Corridor N2, which leads north and south from here. The fluorescent lights above you flicker irregularly, dimly illuminating the doors to the east and west.
Access door N2E is here, standing open.
Access door N2W is here, standing open.
You go to the east
You are in the foyer of an old mansion. A mat on the floor is labeled "Welcome to our home, wipe your feet". The outside world is to the west, the house is to the east. A buzzing neon sign reads "Flavorplex Qualifying Adventure Copyright 1973 Flavorplex Text Adventure Company".
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door N2E, which is open.
Go east
You are in Access Corridor E2, which leads east and west from here. The fluorescent lights above you flicker irregularly, dimly illuminating the doors to the north and south.
Access door E2S is here, standing open.
Access door E2N is here, standing open.

You are in Access Corridor E3, which leads east and west from here. The corridor goes through a half-twist to the east, joining with one of the other corridors in a way you've never quite understood. The fluorescent lights above you flicker irregularly, dimly illuminating the doors to the north and south.
Access door E3S is here, standing open.
Access door E3N is here, standing open.

You are in Access Corridor W3, which leads west and east from here. The corridor goes through a half-twist to the west, joining with one of the other corridors in a way you've never quite understood. The fluorescent lights above you flicker irregularly, dimly illuminating the doors to the north and south.
Access door W3S is here, standing open.
Access door W3N is here, standing open.
Go west
You are in Access Corridor E3, which leads east and west from here. The corridor goes through a half-twist to the east, joining with one of the other corridors in a way you've never quite understood. The fluorescent lights above you flicker irregularly, dimly illuminating the doors to the north and south.
Access door E3S is here, standing open.
Access door E3N is here, standing open.
Go south
This bare stone room contains a couple of large rocks, one covered with little fragments of broken clockwork. A passageway leads east.

In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door E3S, which is open.
You go east
You are in Access Corridor W3, which leads west and east from here. The corridor goes through a half-twist to the west, joining with one of the other corridors in a way you've never quite understood. The fluorescent lights above you flicker irregularly, dimly illuminating the doors to the north and south.
Access door W3S is here, standing open.
Access door W3N is here, standing open.

You are in Access Corridor W2, which leads west and east from here. The fluorescent lights above you flicker irregularly, dimly illuminating the doors to the north and south.
Access door W2S is here, standing open.
Access door W2N is here, standing open.
Go south
This room is full of half-finished wickerwork projects. Some of them are quite impressively ambitious, but almost none of them are complete. A doorway leads south.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door W2S, which is open.
You go to the north-east
You are in Access Corridor W2, which leads west and east from here. The fluorescent lights above you flicker irregularly, dimly illuminating the doors to the north and south.
Access door W2S is here, standing open.
Access door W2N is here, standing open.
Go east
You are in Access Corridor W1, which leads west and east from here. You can see the break room to the east, and the smell of stale snack foods and burnt coffee is strangely appealing. The fluorescent lights above you flicker irregularly, dimly illuminating the doors to the north and south.
Access door W1S is here, standing open.
Access door W1N is here, standing open.

You are in the company break room, complete with the employee fridge, where you could store your lunch, if you had a lunch. Access corridors lead north, south, east, and west. Your supply closet is to the northwest, and the receptionist's office is to the northeast. Next to the safety and motivational posters, a pin-up calendar adorns the dingy wall, currently displaying Ms. January.
You go west
This kitchen has been mostly stripped, but contains a large refrigerator. There used to be a stove, but it was removed because of the fire hazard. The living room is to the north.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door S1W, which is open.
Go south
You are in Access Corridor S2, which leads south and north from here. The fluorescent lights above you flicker irregularly, dimly illuminating the doors to the east and west.
You go east
Access door S2E is here, standing open.
Access door S2W is here, standing open.

This dim parlor is richly furnished. A small window on the north wall looks out onto a sandy desert. A large grey mirror is on the west wall, and a doorway leads east.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door S2E, which is open.
Go south
Access door S2E is here, standing open.
Access door S2W is here, standing open.
Go west
You are in Access Corridor S3, which leads south and north from here. The corridor goes through a half-twist to the south, joining with one of the other corridors in a way you've never quite understood. The fluorescent lights above you flicker irregularly, dimly illuminating the doors to the east and west.
Access door S3E is here, standing open.
Access door S3W is here, standing open.

You are in the foyer of a shiny, new mansion. There is no mat on the floor. The outside world is to the east, the house is to the west.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door S3W, which is open.
Go northeast
You are in Access Corridor S3, which leads south and north from here. The corridor goes through a half-twist to the south, joining with one of the other corridors in a way you've never quite understood. The fluorescent lights above you flicker irregularly, dimly illuminating the doors to the east and west.
Access door S3E is here, standing open.
Access door S3W is here, standing open.
Go east
The attic has been converted into a cozy reading nook. A small wooden table sits in the center of the room, next to a large and comfortable-looking reading chair. A floor lamp stands behind the chair, casting a warm glow over the room. Stairs down are the only exit.
In the northeast corner, a floating arrangement of glowing blue runes indicates the location of access door S3E, which is open.
Jan3
Enter saved game to store: Ok.