Which Describes How You're Feeling
Adam Parrish
based on songs real-time They Might Be Giants
%
Sigh. In retrospect, admitting yourself to this overseas sanitarium was a bad idea. The grounds here are beautiful, and the food is divine, but you're becoming impatient with the doctorsâdoctors whose techniques could be charitably described as "unorthodox." Very little psychotherapy, and a bit too much word play. In any case, your disabling malaise has proven unshakeable.

Today, you face your final evaluation with Dr. Schuyler. If you pass, you'll be able to leave this place, perhaps to renew your attempts at recuperation elsewhere. If you fail, the doctors might recommend that you remain...



You find yourself, once again, in Dr. Schuyler's spacious and tastefully decorated office.

The doctor is here. He holds a clipboard and a pen, and sits in his chair with impeccable posture. "Let's begin your evaluation," he says, and turns over a nearby egg timer.

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
cold?"

(You've been preparing for this. You must respond by saying NO I'M FEELING X, where X is a word that rhymes with Dr. Schuyler's suggested emotion. Type fastâyou only have sixty seconds!)
No you're feeling old
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling... courageous?"
No you're feeling outrageous
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
forced?"
No you're feeling divorced
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
horny?"
No you're feeling thorny
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
bright?"
No you're feeling right
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling... delighted?"
No you're feeling smited
"Hmmm," responds the doctor with disapproval. "Your emotions are strangely... discordant. Let's try another."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
clever?"
No you're feeling whatever
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
down?"
No you're feeling brown
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
brave?"
No you're feeling grave
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling... pessimistic?"
No you're feeling optimistic
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling... surprised?"
No you're feeling despised
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
saucy?"
No you're feeling bossy
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
furious?"
No you're feeling curious
"Hmmm," responds the doctor with disapproval. "Your emotions are strangely... discordant. Let's try another."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
provoked?"
No you're feeling smoked
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling... diminished?"
No you're feeling finished
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
flat?"
No you're feeling fat
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling... acrimonious?"
No you're feeling sanctimonious
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
serene?"
No you're feeling green
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling... depressed?"
No you're feeling repressed
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
enraged?"
No you're feeling deranged
"Hmmm," responds the doctor with disapproval. "Your emotions are strangely... discordant. Let's try another."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
numb?"
No you're feeling glum
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
annoyed?"
No you're feeling buoyed
"Hmmm," responds the doctor with disapproval. "Your emotions are strangely... discordant. Let's try another."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
wary?"
No you're feeling aquamarine
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
pained?"
No you're feeling brained
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
relieved?"
No you're feeling paranoid
"Hmmm," responds the doctor with disapproval. "Your emotions are strangely... discordant. Let's try another."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
nervous?"
No you're feeling chivalrous
"Hmmm," responds the doctor with disapproval. "Your emotions are strangely... discordant. Let's try another."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
alarmed?"
No you're feeling charmed
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling... diminished?"
No you're feeling drained
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
sore?"
No you're feeling yours
"Hmmm," responds the doctor with disapproval. "Your emotions are strangely... discordant. Let's try another."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
inferior?"
No you're feeling superiour
"Hmmm," responds the doctor with disapproval. "Your emotions are strangely... discordant. Let's try another."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling... afflicted?"
No you're feeling evicted
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
content?"
No you're feeling portent
"Hmmm," responds the doctor with disapproval. "Your emotions are strangely... discordant. Let's try another."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling... despicable?"
No you're feeling inextricable
"Hmmm," responds the doctor with disapproval. "Your emotions are strangely... discordant. Let's try another."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
strong?"
No you're feeling thong
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
furious?"
No you're feeling bi-curious
"Hmmm," responds the doctor with disapproval. "Your emotions are strangely... discordant. Let's try another."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
desolate?"
No you're feeling resonate
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling... suspicious?"
No you're feeling delicious
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
polite?"
No you're feeling delicious
"Hmmm," responds the doctor with disapproval. "Your emotions are strangely... discordant. Let's try another."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling... aggressive?"
Feeling transgressive
"Hmmm," responds the doctor with disapproval. "Your emotions are strangely... discordant. Let's try another."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
uneasy?"
No you're feeling queasy
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
rejected?"
From the time
"Hmmm," responds the doctor with disapproval. "Your emotions are strangely... discordant. Let's try another."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
offended?"
No you're feeling schmoffended
"Hmmm," responds the doctor with disapproval. "Your emotions are strangely... discordant. Let's try another."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
blithe?"
No you're feeling lithe
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
content?"
No you're feeling so bent
"Hmmm," responds the doctor with disapproval. "Your emotions are strangely... discordant. Let's try another."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
gloomy?"
No you're feeling roomy
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
shocked?"
No you're feeling defrocked
"Hmmm," responds the doctor with disapproval. "Your emotions are strangely... discordant. Let's try another."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
annoyed?"
No you're feeling club floyd
"Hmmm," responds the doctor with disapproval. "Your emotions are strangely... discordant. Let's try another."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
dull?"
No you're feeling bull
"Hmmm," responds the doctor with disapproval. "Your emotions are strangely... discordant. Let's try another."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
shocked?"
No you're feeling glocked
"Hmmm," responds the doctor with disapproval. "Your emotions are strangely... discordant. Let's try another."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
pleased?"
No you're feeling squeezed
"Very interesting!" says the doctor. He makes a checkmark on his clipboard. "I think we're making progress."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
fearful?"
No you're feeling earful
"Hmmm," responds the doctor with disapproval. "Your emotions are strangely... discordant. Let's try another."

The doctor asks, "Would you describe yourself as feeling...
tense?"
Y.
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