Ventilator
Peregrine Wade
absurd Comedy cover art IFComp 2016 IFComp Game male protagonist Mexico parser profanity second person surreal
The heat is stifling, the hotel room is vastly overpriced, and your heart is in pieces. But the worse is yet to come... WARNING: This story contains potentially humorous depictions of Mexican headgear.
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It is really hot today. Sprawled across the bed of your hotel
room, you lie sweltering in a growing puddle of sweat. There are no flies in the air, but that is only because they have all passed out on the floor.
Ventilator

This is the overpriced room you've paid for. It is striking by its lack of character, its uncomfortable-looking bed, its rickety table, its miniscule minibar, its enormous curtainless window which allows all the blazing sunlight outside to roast you alive, and a door that leads out into the corridor. To say nothing of the toilet.

Standing here, beckoning to you, is the ventilator. Is it your friend? Or your foe? Time will tell.

Anyhow, it's quiet, possibly because it's currently switched off.

On the dirty floor are some flies.
About you
You are unable to examine yourself without a mirror, and the hotel has a strict policy against people with prehensile eyes. Joking aside, you look as normal as ever... albeit a little under the weather. And, of course, your heart is in a mess. Sigh.
You check what you're carrying
You are carrying:
some trousers (being worn)
a shirt (being worn)
your hair (being worn)
You switch on the ventilator
Are you sure?
Yes
You turn on the ventilator. Shortly afterwards, your hair is swept off, soaring through the air buoyantly before being flattened like a particularly inedible pancake onto the wall. Whoa! Perhaps a tad excessive, even for a brand new model.

But, however, this at least has had the desired effect, reviving you sufficiently to be able to get back up again. Now, you just need to find a drink...
You look around
This is the overpriced room you've paid for. It is striking by its lack of character, its uncomfortable-looking bed, its rickety table, its miniscule minibar, its enormous curtainless window which allows all the blazing sunlight outside to roast you alive, and a door that leads out into the corridor. To say nothing of the toilet.

Standing here, roaring away like nobody's business, is the ventilator.

On the wall is your hair.

The ventilator is a bit too powerful for your liking.
You look at the minibar
A minibar. Just a minibar. Not a spaceship. Not a portal to another world. Not... well, you get the idea.
You open it
The minibar opens with some difficulty, releasing a flood of salted peanuts, paprika chips, and some rather gooey guacamole. There is no sign of anything remotely drinkable, oddly enough for a hotel set in the middle of New Mexico.
Do you wish to complain to the hotel staff?
Yes
After an hour of being yelled at in a language that sounds suspiciously like a bizarre mix of English, Esperanto and Parseltongue, you are kicked out by an implausible hotel employee with a huge mustache and a sombrero you could canoe across the Rio Grande in. You wander about the desert and - for no conceivable reason than that otherwise the story of your life would have ended in a boring way - get abducted by aliens.
You examine the bed
Drenched with sweat.
You look under it
You find a book that some previous guest had left there, mummified in a shroud of dust bunnies, and out of curiosity you take it.

It's really hot in here, as mentioned previously.
Examine book
It's "Three Men in a Boat", Stephanie's favourite book! You flit through it idly and find the passage where Harris sings comic songs.
You look at the table
On the table is a ventilator.
You look under the table
You kneel down and look under the table. A cockroach sees you, panicks, runs around in circles and finally scurries out of the room.
You put the book on the hair
Putting things on your hair would achieve nothing.

You have ceased to sweat. This is a bad sign, considering that the temperature exceeds 30 degrees Celsius.
You switch on the ventilator
Are you sure?
Yes
You turn on the ventilator. Shortly afterwards, your hair is swept off, soaring through the air buoyantly before being flattened like a particularly inedible pancake onto the wall. Whoa! Perhaps a tad excessive, even for a brand new model.

But, however, this at least has had the desired effect, reviving you sufficiently to be able to get back up again. Now, you just need to find a drink...
You open the minibar
The minibar opens with some difficulty, releasing a flood of salted peanuts, paprika chips, and some rather gooey guacamole. There is no sign of anything remotely drinkable, oddly enough for a hotel set in the middle of New Mexico.
Do you wish to complain to the hotel staff?
No
You quash your resentment. Best not to anger the hotel staff unduly. So you try to close the minibar, but funnily enough it won't close. You are forced to leave it as it is, guacamole spilling about and all.

The ventilator is a bit too powerful for your liking.
You switch off the ventilator
The ventilator has a mind of its own, and suddenly you are blown backwards against the wall by the sheer force of the air being blasted out. The battle to the death has now begun!

A cat peeps through the door, clearly wondering why you are in such a ridiculous posture.

Hotel Room (on the wall)
This is the overpriced room you've paid for. It is striking by its lack of character, its uncomfortable-looking bed, its rickety table, its miniscule minibar, its enormous curtainless window which allows all the blazing sunlight outside to roast you alive, and a door that leads out into the corridor. To say nothing of the toilet.

Standing here, roaring away like nobody's business, is the ventilator.

On the wall you can see your hair (and yourself, of course).
Down
You bang your head against the walls fruitlessly. You now fully perceive that the only way is out.... unless you really want to jump through the window.

The cat says "Miaow?" apprehensively.
Go outside
You try to use all your might to get yourself back standing on the floor where you rightfully belong, but fail miserably.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a book
some trousers (being worn)
a shirt (being worn)
You throw the book at Ventilator
Tears welling up in your eyes, you hurl Three Men in a Boat
in the face of the terrible Ventilator. The villainous machine shreds the slim, dog-eared tome into confettis.

The Ventilator's wrath has now been aroused, and you watch in silent awe as it sends halff your belongings through the wall into the neighbouring room. Your mobile phone is now sliding past you, hopping and skipping madly as it is being blown about.
You take the mobile phone
Taken.

The Ventilator is blowing you towards the toilet, clearly under the impression that you wish to go there. Nothing could be further from the truth.
You look at the phone
Your treasured possession, and only contact with the outside world. On its screen is a list of contacts.
You look at the contacts
Since you can't remember a phone number to save your life, this is how you keep track of everything.

POLICE, DOCTOR, HELP, STEPH, BOB, PIZZA, GOD
You call the STEPH
Maybe she can help you. She's still your girlfriend, in spite of that argument you both had... You dial the number hopefully.

Her answering machine is the only reply: "Hello, you have reached Stephanie Crane's phone, but she is out right now and won't be back before next Christmas. Please leave a message after the beep. BEEP." Your morale now at its lowest point in recorded history, you hang up listlessly. All is lost.

The toilet is now hurtling at great speed towards you, or perhaps you are hurtling at great speed towards it. You don't really have the time to figure it out.
You go outside
You try to use all your might to get yourself back standing on the floor where you rightfully belong, but fail miserably.

Hang on a second... isn't it strange how long it's taking for you to crash into the toilet? This hotel room must be wider than you realized. Probably why it was so expensive in the first place.
You call the god
You don't remember saving this particular number on your mobile phone. It seems to have appeared in your contacts by magic. Perhaps a sign? You dial it with high hopes....

"HELLO," a voice booms, sounding remarkably like Darth Vader. "HOW MAY I HELP YOU?"

"I'm doomed!" you reply, tears streaming off your face and flying out the window.

You don't hear the answer the voice makes, but suddenly everything around you stands still, hushed by a great silence. As you land nimbly on your feet, the ground gives way to nothingness, and the sunlight turns into blackest night...

All around you stretches the endlessness of outer space. You float aimlessly among the stars and galaxies, which by some strange magic have been shrunk to the size of flies.

God is here, watching you benevolently.
You examine the god
You can't describe this sight in words, because there are no words to describe it. All you can make out is a T-shirt reading "I TOTALLY ROCK, DUDE". God, a fan of rock n" roll? What a revelation.
About you
You appear to be completely nude. How embarrassing. Now the whole Universe can see your ingrown toenail.
You ask the god about Stephanie
[Use TALK TO to interact with characters.]
You talk to God
"What has happened to me?"

"I RESCUED YOU," God booms. He still sounds a lot like Darth Vader.
Continue
"I know that," you say, "but am I alive or dead? Is this Heaven? Where is everybody?"

"YOU ARE STILL MISSING THE BIG PICTURE," God booms.
Continue
"What is the big picture?" you ask.

God hesitates. Then, the answer comes: "THE VENTILATOR, THE CAT, THE HOTEL ROOM.... ALL OF IT.... DID YOU TRULY BELIEVE THAT IT WAS REAL?"
Continue
"Now that I think about it... it did seems kind of... surreal?" you say tentatively.

"OF COURSE IT DID, FRANK," God booms in a whisper (something normally impossible to do, but this is God after all). "THIS WAS A DREAM; A DREAM WHICH IN A LANGUAGE OF ITS OWN WAS TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING."
You keep going
"What was it trying to tell me?" you ask, almost afraid of the answer.

"THAT THERE IS A SIDE OF YOU WHICH PUSHES AWAY THOSE THAT IT LOVES; A SIDE SYMBOLIZED BY THE VENTILATOR. THAT SIDE WILL ULTIMATELY RESULT IN YOUR OWN DESTRUCTION, IF YOU DO NOT LEARN TO OVERCOME IT."
You continue
"But what about the rest? The flies? The minibar? The cat? Everything else?"

"ALL PIECES OF THE SAME PUZZLE," God replies. "THE CAT SYMBOLIZED YOUR CAPACITY TO BE KIND WITH OTHERS, THE MINIBAR WAS A PLACE TO HIDE FROM THE SUFFERING OF THE OUTSIDE WORLD WHICH ULTIMATELY RESULTED IN YOUR SYMBOLIC DEATH, AND THE FLIES...THE FLIES...WELL, THEY WERE MILDLY AMUSING. NOT EVERYTHING HAS TO HAVE A MEANING."
Keep going
"Am I going to be subjected to pop psychology for the rest of eternity? Is that what Hell really is about?" you say angrily.

God sighs. "TIME FOR YOU TO FIX WHAT YOU HAVE BROKEN." Suddenly, a mobile phone appears in your hand, and God vanishes.
You look at the phone
Your treasured possession, and only contact with the outside world. On its screen is a list of contacts.
You call Stephanie
You hear her voice at the other end of the line! "Where WERE you, Frank? You just ran off without any warning..."

"I was in a bad place," you answer truthfully. An idea occurs to you suddenly, and you reach out your hand and... turn on the light. Lo and behold! You are in your own bedroom, at home! No Ventilator to be seen! So it WAS all a dream.

"Hello? Are you still there?" Stephanie asks.

"Huh? Oh, I was just thinking about something I've always wanted to say to you..." you reply, feeling suddenly more uplifted than you've ever felt in your life.