A Shadow of Helpfulman
Clara Raubertas
walkthrough
You play as Kevin, a graduate student. You share an office with two other graduates: Jim and Molly. Molly Malone is the most beautiful creature in the world. You'd love to ask her out but you're so tongue-tied around her. Jim doesn't have that problem. How can you stop being a shadow of "Helpfulman" Jim?
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This is the graduate student office you share with Jim and Molly. Like pretty much every graduate student office, tiny (way too small for three people to share), windowless, and littered with some random shit -- a shelf of books, a typewriter, a vacuum.

The exit is to the north.

You can see Jim and Molly here.
You look at the books
Performativity in the Beta-Male Gaze; Food, Longing, and Intertextual Meta-Narrative in Ancient Greece; Heteronormativity and You. You know, the usual grad student fare.
You look at the typewriter
This is Molly's. It's so old, it's not even electric. She likes to write drafts on it instead of on her computer, which you think is adorable.

She mentioned once that the typewriter belonged to her great-grandfather in Ireland, a hundred years ago or so -- he was some sort of revolutionary poet. Super romantic, you think.
You look at Jim
You have known Jim since he first hazed you in college, and for some reason, you've been hanging out with him ever since -- following him around like you're his fucking shadow -- despite the fact that he consistently makes you feel like shit about yourself. It's not like he's even that fun, either.

Yet here you are, not only in the same graduate program, but sharing an office. Which means you have to look at his stupid fucking face every time you come here to get some work done (or, more realistically, to pretend you're getting work done while really you're angsting about how you haven't even started your dissertation).
About yourself
You are Kevin, graduate student extraordinaire.

Okay, not really extraordinaire.... at being a graduate student, or at anything else.
You examine Molly
Molly Malone is the most beautiful creature in the world -- red-gold curls tumbling around her pale, freckled face; thousand-watt green eyes; an endearingly gap-toothed smile; and sharp as a whip, too. (She's a year ahead of you in school, but more like two or three years ahead if you measure it in dissertation progress. Not that you've... well, started.)

Unfortunately for you, Jim thinks she's the most beautiful creature in the world, too. And if there's one thing that's bugged you more than anything else about your friendship with Jim -- such as it is -- it's his habit of seducing the women you like before you can get out so much as a garbled "Hello".
You examine vacuum
Why is there a vacuum in your tiny office in your department building? Who knows. People leave all kinds of stuff in these offices, then get re-assigned to new offices and forget about it.

"Hey, I'm getting hungry. Jim, Kevin, either of you want to go pick up something to eat?" Molly says.

"I --" you say faintly, but Jim cuts you off.

"I'll go! Just call me... Helpfulman," he says. Helpfulman? How stupid, you think, and turn to Molly to share a laugh; but you stifle your snort when you see a genuine smile on her face.

"That's really sweet of you, Jim! Thanks, Helpfulman!"

Jim runs out, shit-eating grin on his face. You scowl. Helpfulman. What a douche.
You ask Molly about the typewriter
You're always tongue-tied around her, and what you want to say just comes out a stupid-sounding blurt.
Look around
This is the graduate student office you share with Jim and Molly. Like pretty much every graduate student office, tiny (way too small for three people to share), windowless, and littered with some random shit -- a shelf of books, a typewriter, a vacuum.

The exit is to the north.

You can see Molly here.
Go north
This hallway stretches out from east to west, lined with offices; but the only one of interest to you is your own office, to the south.

To the north is an exit to the courtyard.
Go north
A round courtyard, paved with large, flat flagstones. It's suprisingly peaceful here; at this hour, it's lit by starlight, moonlight, and what looks like the remains of an illegal campfire set by some undergrads from the dorms to the north.

There is a fountain in the center of the courtyard.

One of the flagstones looks loose; maybe even moveable.
You look at the campfire
Still-glowing embers in a depression in the flagstones.
Go north
To get into the dorm you need an undergrad escort, and you prefer not to talk to them; by comparison they make you feel old, ugly, hopeless.

Even worse, some of them are your students, and they have things to say to you like "Kevin, why haven't you graded my paper yet?" or "Hey, dude, how come I got an A- on this paper? I thought it was good?" or "Carl" -- they don't always remember your name -- "Carl, I need an extension on my paper because I was up all night making out with my boyfriend and didn't write it yet" or "Hey, you, what's your name, aren't you my TA? Do you know when our paper is due?"
You move the flagstone
(the loose flagstone)
You reveal a dark passage leading downward... a flourescent glow comes from below.

Alright! Now things are looking up. Er, down. You crack yourself up.
Go downwards
This is a tiny, narrow, ill-fitting space, roughly coffin shaped. The walls are covered by decades of overlaid graffiti; the room is lit (though poorly) by the flourescent glow of some of the graffiti.

The only way out is back up.

There is a length of string here.
You take the string
Taken.
You get it
You already have that.
You go upwards
A round courtyard, paved with large, flat flagstones. It's suprisingly peaceful here; at this hour, it's lit by starlight, moonlight, and what looks like the remains of an illegal campfire set by some undergrads from the dorms to the north.

There is a fountain in the center of the courtyard.

A passage leads downward.
You examine the fountain
A round, concrete fountain, full of water; more water spews from the mouth of a grotesque concrete realization of the university mascot. Super tacky.

In the fountain is an alewife.
You get the alewife
You try to grab it with your hands, but it flops and flips away.
You look at the alewife
A long, shiny fish, covered in silver scales.

You don't know how you know it's called an alewife, actually. You're no botanist. Or much of anything, really.
You check your inventory
You are carrying:
a length of string (with both ends free)
a pencil
You go south
This hallway stretches out from east to west, lined with offices; but the only one of interest to you is your own office, to the south.

To the north is an exit to the courtyard.
You go to the south
This is the graduate student office you share with Jim and Molly. Like pretty much every graduate student office, tiny (way too small for three people to share), windowless, and littered with some random shit -- a shelf of books, a typewriter, a vacuum.

The exit is to the north.

You can see Molly here.

Jim rushes back in, holding a styrofoam container of gross-looking chicken fingers. "Hey, Molly!" he says breathlessly. "I got you some dinner!"

Molly looks up. "Oh, Jim, that's really nice of you! Um, but I should have said, I'm allergic to chicken. I can't eat that."

You're not pleased with yourself for the smug smile of satisfaction that creeps onto your face as you see Jim turn suddenly glum. But you are pleased. The douche had it coming. Helpfulman.

"Um, I'll get you something else!" he says, rushing away, and dropping one of the chicken fingers to the ground as he goes.
You get the chicken finger
Taken.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a chicken finger
a length of string (attached to the chicken finger and the pencil)
a pencil
You put the finger in the fountain
You put the chicken finger into the fountain.
You wait for a while
Time passes.
You look at the pencil
A #2 pencil, suitable for taking standardized tests. Fortunately you finished your last one of those with the GRE. Thank God that's over.

The pencil is currently tied to the chicken finger and the length of string.
You take the alewife with the finger
You dangle the finger over the fish with the pencil. Closer... closer...

The fish bites! You pull it up gently, and detach it from its bait. It flops in your hand.

You caught a fish! You, Kevin, caught your own fish.

Man, this is great.
You kill the fish
You smash the fish against the flagstones until it stops wriggling.

Take that, fish! And that! And that!

You realize that now you're beating a dead fish. Nice going, Kevin.
You cook the fish
You hold the dead fish over the glowing embers, and soon it gives off a delicious roasted aroma.
You give the fish to Molly
Molly takes the cooked fish from you, and looks at you.

"Kevin, this is so sweet! I love fish!" She gives you a beautiful gap-toothed smile; then eats the fish, nibbling daintily with her wonderful mouth.

Suddenly you feel courage rushing into you. "Molly... would you like to get dinner with me sometime?"

"Oh, honey..." Molly fixes her green eyes on you. "I'm seeing someone. I thought you knew!"

For a moment you think that your heart is ready to break into a million little pieces. But then, surprisingly, it doesn't. You swallow, and smile at Molly. "Okay! That's fine. I just thought I'd ask."

"I hope you enjoyed the fish!" You smile as you walk out the door.

You caught your own fish. You cooked it. You asked Molly out.

This hallway stretches out from east to west, lined with offices; but the only one of interest to you is your own office, to the south.

To the north is an exit to the courtyard.
Go north
A round courtyard, paved with large, flat flagstones. It's suprisingly peaceful here; at this hour, it's lit by starlight, moonlight, and what looks like the remains of an illegal campfire set by some undergrads from the dorms to the north.

There is a fountain in the center of the courtyard.

A passage leads downward.

As you walk out into the courtyard, you look up at the sky. Bright, full moon; constellations of stars; planets. And things like Pluto, that aren't really planets -- more like shadows of planets.

Pluto was always your favorite, anyway. The underdog planet.

When you get home, you're going to start writing your dissertation. You have a feeling you're going to have plenty of ideas tonight.

And tomorrow, you'll talk to that cute girl in your theory seminar. And if she's taken? No big deal. There are other fish.
You go south
That was a very dignified exit, for you. You're not going to go back in there now and ruin it.