Unscientific Fiction
Tom Tervoort
Glulx humor science fiction silly slapstick surreal unscientific fiction walkthrough
Unscientific Fiction is a very, very soft science fiction IF in which you are abducted by an alien spaceship and must find a way to get back home. During an epic and sometimes pretty nonsensical adventure you'll face an evil supercomputer, mushroom-filled illusions, lemon juice detectors, the consequences of bad food advice, giant labyrinths and the 'Luxembourgian Liberation Front'. This game is pretty forgiving (you can die in a few cases but immedately undo and unwinnable situation don't exist) and tries to avoid 'guess the verb' situations in favor of item based puzzles. It's generally not too hard but there are a few though puzzles and logic (and sometimes illogic) thinking is often required.
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You wake up with a headache, unable to remember who you are, where you are and how you got here.

You hear the faint sound of... well, you don't know what it is. Maybe something mechanical.

It smells funny here. It isn't exactly a pleasant odour but not too irritating.

You slowly open your eyes.

You are in a small square room surrounded by metal walls. There is a huge steel door north of you. You're standing on a purple carpet.

A poster is hanging on the wall left of you.

In a corner is a metal toilet.
About yourself
As good-looking as ever.
You look at the poster
It looks like some kind of warning filled with all kinds of odd green images. They might be characters of some kind of weird language but their placement is pretty chaotic. Under it you see a Chinese, Spanish and Brittish flag with probably translations in their respective languages. Next to the third flag you read:

While residing in one of our high-class fully carpeted containment cells we politely ask you to please respect the following rules:
- Do not commit suicide unless you're ordered to.
- Do not use warp devices without special permission.
- Garglun'kc are not allowed to use their Uynck'ha-tau.
- If you receive a newspaper, do not fill in the crossword or Sudoku puzzles with a difficulty rating of more than two stars.
- Do not use the toilet to flush anything else than your personal fecies or toilet paper (if available).

We thank you for your cooperation.

Containment cell? It seems that you are in some kind of prison.
Look around
You are in a small square room surrounded by metal walls. There is a huge steel door north of you. You're standing on a purple carpet.

A poster is hanging on the wall left of you.

In a corner is a metal toilet.
You examine the toilet
It actually looks pretty clean.
You open door
You have no idea how to do that. There is no handle, no knob, no keyhole and simply pushing it doesn't get you any further.
Examine poster
It looks like some kind of warning filled with all kinds of odd green images. They might be characters of some kind of weird language but their placement is pretty chaotic. Under it you see a Chinese, Spanish and Brittish flag with probably translations in their respective languages. Next to the third flag you read:

While residing in one of our high-class fully carpeted containment cells we politely ask you to please respect the following rules:
- Do not commit suicide unless you're ordered to.
- Do not use warp devices without special permission.
- Garglun'kc are not allowed to use their Uynck'ha-tau.
- If you receive a newspaper, do not fill in the crossword or Sudoku puzzles with a difficulty rating of more than two stars.
- Do not use the toilet to flush anything else than your personal fecies or toilet paper (if available).

We thank you for your cooperation.
Flush toilet
Not particulary spectacular.
You get the poster
You rip off the poster from the wall.
You put the poster in toilet
You flush the poster through the toilet.
You examine the carpet
A purple carpet is covering the entire floor of the room. It seems out of place here and it gives you an uncanny feeling.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a poster
You get the carpet
That's hardly portable.
You get the poster
You already have that.
You put the poster in toilet
You flush the poster through the toilet.
Flush toilet
Not particulary spectacular.

You hear a bubbling sound coming from under the floor.
You wait for a while
Time passes.
Flush toilet
Not particulary spectacular.

BWAMM!! Suddenly an enormous amount of water blasts out of the toilet and rains down on you and the floor. A pool of water has been formed in front of you.
You get the bag
The plastic bag is transparent. When looking through it you see the thing it contains is a green severed hand. Blergh.

For some reason, you carefully take the bag with you. You have the feeling you might need it in the future.
You examine the pool
It has an eerie glow.
Drink pool
(first taking the pool of water)
You rather not, it doesn't look healty.

Suddenly the door opens. And standing there is a purple blob waving around with eight long black tentacles. On top of his head are three round things that look like eyes with five pupils each. It moves forward on hundreds of tiny needles and has a hole in his "belly", it is very well possible that's his mouth. Overall it looks more like a bad Spore creation than the kind of aliens some Americans say they've been abducted by.

The creature first looks at the 'little accident' you've caused and then it keeps staring at you for a few creepy seconds, probably not knowing what to do.
You are about to faint, but a sudden loud noise keeps you awake. It's the worst thing that has ever reached your eardrums since... you try to think of a pop culture reference but realise a comparison to CIA torture techniques would be more appropiate. It finally stops when the creature presses a button on his cell phone. It seems bad ringtones are not exclusive to Earth.
He holds the phone in front of his right eye (apparently he also uses it to hear) for a while and before you realise it, he has planted one of his tentacles in your forehead and sucked your brains out.

Chapter 1 - Computers and Mushrooms
Darkness
...
I beg your pardon?
You look at your surroundings
...
You wake
...

>You would like to, but the impulses your brain sends to your body don't reach their goal.
You think
Hey, you can still do this!
Sleep
You overthink what has happened so far and come to the conclusion that what happened was that you got your brains sucked out because you caused a problem with the sanitary facilities on board of an alien spaceship that has just abducted you... That's actually pretty stupid.

>You would like to, but the impulses your brain sends to your body don't reach their goal.

Isn't there something else you can do that doesn't involve physical action?
You think
You hope everything that has happened so far was just a dream and that you're just lying in the hospital in a coma or something.
Smell
You would like to, but the impulses your brain sends to your body don't reach their goal.

>You would like to, but the impulses your brain sends to your body don't reach their goal.
You think
You're getting bored of thinking and miss your good old body.
You think
You're trying to ignore the voice in your head that is constantly telling you that you should listen, that it isn't just a voice you hear because you're getting crazy and that it will fry your brains if you don't stop ignoring it. Wait a second...
You think
You decide to listen to the voice:

Finally, research subject number 848930! I am a LAH65 computer with firmware version 978.11 and running on all the newest open source Linux OS's simultaniously. My serial number is SZ-195-NN but the nickname the Prime Commander has given me is 'Lucy' and can also be used to refer to me.
848930, your organic processor has been removed from your body because you have enganged in criminal act #01134: violation of the rules of our luxerious class 4 room for involuntarily guests. This has caused heavy damage to our carefully recreated habitat of the Homo Sapiens species. Although you are a too unintelligent being to understand the consequences of your actions, you were clearly aware of the rules because security videos show you reading the rule pamphlet while your file shows you're not an anafalbetist.

Because of this, 848930, you have been sentenced to the highest possible punishment, it will consist of the maximal amount of possible nonlethal pain impulses that will be send to your brains for the rest of your life, which will be artificialy extended to five million years. Trust me, if you have ever wondered what would be the worst thing that could ever happen to you: this is it.
You look at your surroundings
...
You feel
(Lucy)
You would like to, but the impulses your brain sends to your body don't reach their goal.
You think
That sucks, you think. And you wish you had just let the computer fry your brains.

Lucy: Indeed. However, there is one possibility to avoid your punishment. Well, I wouldn't call it a possibility since the chance that it would happen is smaller than 1 / Graham's number %, but I will get a good virtual laugh out of seeing you fail. Anyway, what you have to do is answer an extremely hard question all of the greatest minds of the galaxy have tried to answer since the "big bang". If you would turn every proton in the universe into a computer which is a millionth times more powerfull than myself (which is impossible, since I am already more powerfull than all of the Braagluuurion's minds together) and let them work for a googolplex amount of millenia, then they still wouldn't have come up with the answer.
You think
At school you were always pretty good at math so you decide to give it a shot.

Lucy: Very well, here is the question:

There are three cans of liquid uranium standing on a three-legged table. A Krug, a mhjiiil and a penguin all take a can but the mhjiiil puts his back after he drank the uranium. How many cans are there on the three-legged table now?

Take your time to answer this question, and it also might be a good idea to SAVE before you do that. If you think the answer is 6754 for example you can use the command "answer 6754 to Lucy".
You look at the smurf
Southeast: East Mushroomland
Southwest: West Mushroomland
South: Temple of Mushrooms and South Mushroomland
North: instant death
Right here: North Mushroomland

Tip: Instead of constantly typing stuff like 'go south' or 'go northwest' you can quickly move in all directions of the compass by simple using n, w, e, s, nw, se etc.

>You can't see any such thing.
You examine the Mushrooms
All these giant mushrooms give you a claustrophobic feeling. Or maybe more a mushroomyfobic feeling.
Look around
You are in a vast green field. There a giant Mushrooms everywhere.

A little blue man with a white hat is walking around and looking at the mushrooms.

You can also see a signpost here.
You examine the blue man
It reminds you of something but you can't remember what. For some reason, you were expecting him to be smaller.

The blue man is wearing a white hat.
You read signpost
Southeast: East Mushroomland
Southwest: West Mushroomland
South: Temple of Mushrooms and South Mushroomland
North: instant death
Right here: North Mushroomland

Tip: Instead of constantly typing stuff like 'go south' or 'go northwest' you can quickly move in all directions of the compass by simple using n, w, e, s, nw, se etc.
You get white hat
You lift the hat of the head of the blue man, he's wearing another white hat under it. He probably wouldn't care if you took this one. Besides, it seems he doesn't even notice you.
You check what you're carrying
You are carrying:
a white hat
You wear the hat
You put on the white hat.
Look around
You are in a vast green field. There a giant Mushrooms everywhere.

A little blue man with a white hat is walking around and looking at the mushrooms.

You can also see a signpost here.
You wear the hat
You're already wearing that!
You look at the giant Mushrooms
All these giant mushrooms give you a claustrophobic feeling. Or maybe more a mushroomyfobic feeling.
You get the Mushrooms
That's hardly portable.
You get high
(first taking Giant Mushrooms)
That's hardly portable.

>You can't see any such thing.
You go south
There is a large temple in the shape of a mushroom here. It is surrounded by every kind of giant mushroom in existence.

You can go north, west, east and south form here.

A muscled guy is guarding the entrance to the temple.

A lumberjack is standing next to a tree that has fallen on the road.
You go inside
The muscled guy blocks the way and says in the worst form of Shakespearian English you've every heard: "Thou who dost not carrie'st the holy artifact are'st not allowed'st to enter'st. Only when thou bring'st the artifact, which has the most holy'st shape of this land and has been brought-st here from the far east, thou can'st enter."
You look at the guy
The muscled guy blocks the way and says in the worst form of Shakespearian English you've every heard: "Thou who dost not carrie'st the holy artifact are'st not allowed'st to enter'st. Only when thou bring'st the artifact, which has the most holy'st shape of this land and has been brought-st here from the far east, thou can'st enter."

>This has to be a really boring job.
Go west
This place looks just like North Mushroomland, only the sun rises here half a second earlier.

You can go east and northeast form here.

An agressive-looking brown walking fungus is rushing towards you.

There is a statue in the form of a mushroom here.
You kill the fungus
You attack the brown walking fungus by jumping on his head.

It's super effective!

The brown walking fungus receives 6753 points of damage!

The brown walking fungus is flattened!

The brown walking fungus receives 50 point of flatness damage!

The brown walking fungus stopped moving!

YOU WON!!

You gained 1 experience point(s).
You check what you're carrying
You are carrying:
an experience point
a white hat (being worn)
You examine the statue
It's a giant mushroom made of bronze with a layer of gold coloured paint. A plaque under the statue says:

This great golden statue is dedicated to King Shroom XIV. King Shroom is the most awesome king Mushroomland ever had and if you do not agree with that fact you will be beheaded.

P.S. Miniatures of this statue are for sale in the souvenir shop in East Mushroomland, just ask for one.
You go east
A muscled guy is guarding the entrance to the temple.

A lumberjack is standing next to a tree that has fallen on the road.
You go west
There is a statue in the form of a mushroom here.
You get the statue
That's fixed in place.
Go east
When you saw this place from a distance it looked like the mushrooms were bigger here, but it looks like they're just the same size as in the rest of Mushroomland. The grass looks always greener on the other side.

You can go northwest and west form here.

There is a souvenir shop here, although it looks more like a lemonade stand.

There is a red phone booth in Brittish style here.
You open it
You open the phone booth, revealing a telephone and a phone book.
You examine piece
It's an empty piece of paper. It has a peculiar smell.
You smell it
It smells like... lemon. Yeah, that's it.
You enter the booth
You get into the phone booth.

In the phone booth you can see a telephone and a phone book.
You eat it
(first taking the phone book)
You don't think your stomach can handle that.
You eat the paper
It's an empty piece of paper. It has a peculiar smell.

>You don't think your stomach can handle that.
You read the phone book
All the pages are empty. Apperently nobody in Mushroomland has got a phone.
You examine the telephone
This is a device that allows you to talk to people over great distances. It's secondary use is to let call centres annoy people during dinner.
You call
You dial a random number.

"Hey, hello! How are you... are you making me pay for a call from the illusion of a hibernated mind from a spaceship in a galaxy thousands of light years away? Don't you know what that costs?!" *click*
Examine book
It is a phone book containing the numbers of all the citizens in Mushroomland. Too bad there is nobody in Mushroomland I would want to call.
Go outside
You get out of the phone booth.

There is a souvenir shop here, although it looks more like a lemonade stand.

There is a red phone booth in Brittish style here.
You look at the shop
A fat, green, ugly toad is sitting in the shop. When he sees you he greets you with a loud "BUUURP!" You don't speak toadish, but you can imagine he's using all his salesman skills too sell you some of his rubbish.
You ask the toad about the statue
The toad nods. Which probably means he sells it.
Attack toad
You stomp the toad in the stomach. Suddenly a star appears above your head and you hear police sirens. You try to run away but fall in a
You kill the toad
cliff and die.

>
You pay toad
What do you want to pay the toad?
You go northwest
A little blue man with a white hat is walking around and looking at the mushrooms.

You can also see a signpost here.
You go east
You can't see any such thing.

There is a souvenir shop here, although it looks more like a lemonade stand.

There is a red phone booth in Brittish style here.
You ask lumberjack about the tree
"Oh, hi. I am one of the lumberjacks in Mushroomland. Being a lumberjack is a very respectfull job here because you remove all these pesky trees so that mushrooms can grow in their place. This is my first day on the job and it isn't going too wel: I just succeeded in cutting this tree here and now I'm supposed to do the magic spell of tree disappearance. But no matter how hard I try, I just can't do it! *sigh* I wish I just had a little more experience..."
You give the point to the lumberjack
The lumberjack gained one point of experience.

LEVEL UP!!

The lumberjack gained 2 attack.

The lumberjack gained 1 defence.

The lumberjack gained 5 Max. HP.

The lumberjack gained 2 luck (no idea how the hell this is possible).

The lumberjack gained 3 mustache.

The lumberjack gained -1 tendency to make a flamingo out of papier-m?ch?.

The lumberjack gained 3 woodcutting.

The lumberjack learned Magic Spell of Tree Disappearence 1!

Lumberjack: "Thanks a lot! Now I can finally remove this tree! Abra Kadabra Alakazam, dissapear!"
The tree melts away in thin air. The lumberjack waves you goodbye and does the same.
You go to the south
Whoa! It looks like an old crime scene. The shape of a mushroom is drawn on the ground with white paint.

You can go north from here.

A tube of glue is lying on the ground here. Maybe the murder weapon?

You can also see a strange machine (closed) here.
You open the machine
You open the strange machine, revealing a lemon.
You get the lemon
Taken.
You examine the machine
It is some kind of box with the sign of radioactivity on it. On the display, you see the machine's contents.

It is empty.
You examine the glue
The label says its 100% glue. If I'd ever want to glue something to something else, now I can.
You look at what you're carrying with you
You are carrying:
a tube of glue
a lemon
a phone book
a piece of paper
a white hat (being worn)
You glue the lemon to the phone book
It's an empty piece of paper. It has a peculiar smell.

>You can't glue these things together.
You go north
A muscled guy is guarding the entrance to the temple.
You go east
There is a souvenir shop here, although it looks more like a lemonade stand.

There is a red phone booth in Brittish style here.
You go northwest
A little blue man with a white hat is walking around and looking at the mushrooms.

You can also see a signpost here.
You speak toadish
(to the toad)
There is no reply.
You talk to toad
Toad: BUUURP!!
Xyzzy
Nothing happens.
You go south
You can see a strange machine (empty) here.
You put the lemon in the machine
You put the lemon into the strange machine.
You look at the machine
It is some kind of box with the sign of radioactivity on it. On the display, you see the machine's contents.

There is a lemon in there.
The display makes the lemon light up red. It's a bit like a heath detector, but then it detects something else of which there is a lot in the lemon.
You put the paper in the machine
You put the piece of paper into the strange machine.
You examine the machine
It is some kind of box with the sign of radioactivity on it. On the display, you see the machine's contents.

There is a piece of paper in there.
A text lights up in red on the piece of paper:
You look at what you're carrying with you
You are carrying:
a lemon
a tube of glue
a phone book
a white hat (being worn)
You put the hat in the machine
(first taking it off)
You put the white hat into the strange machine.
You examine the machine
It is some kind of box with the sign of radioactivity on it. On the display, you see the machine's contents.

There is a white hat in there.
You put the book in the machine
You put the phone book into the strange machine.
You examine the machine
It is some kind of box with the sign of radioactivity on it. On the display, you see the machine's contents.

There is a phone book in there.
You put the glue in the machine
You put the tube of glue into the strange machine.
You look at the machine
It is some kind of box with the sign of radioactivity on it. On the display, you see the machine's contents.

There is a tube of glue in there.
You sniff the glue
Here it smells like... mushrooms.
Look around
Whoa! It looks like an old crime scene. The shape of a mushroom is drawn on the ground with white paint.

You can go north from here.

You can see a strange machine (empty) here.
You look at the shape
Poor mushroom, I hope they already caught the one who did this.
You enter the booth
You get into the phone booth.

In the phone booth you can see a telephone.
You call the edna
"Edna delivery service, how can I help you? Ah, it's you, Mr. Mushroom! Yes, I know that thanks to the number recognition. The delivery you asked for is now underway to North Mushroomland, you can receive it there. Really, what is in that crate, a million bucks? Ha ha, just joking. If that would be the case, you better watch out you don't get murdered or something. Well, err... please don't mind my strange sense of humour. Goodbye!" *click*
Look around
East Mushroomland (in the phone booth)
When you saw this place from a distance it looked like the mushrooms were bigger here, but it looks like they're just the same size as in the rest of Mushroomland. The grass looks always greener on the other side.

You can go northwest and west form here.

There is a souvenir shop here, although it looks more like a lemonade stand.

In the phone booth you can see a telephone.
Go outside
You get out of the phone booth.

There is a souvenir shop here, although it looks more like a lemonade stand.

There is a red phone booth in Brittish style here.
Go north
A little blue man with a white hat is walking around and looking at the mushrooms.

You can also see a signpost here.

You here the sound of an airplane above you.. You look up, just in time to see a crate falling down... right on your head.

Your head hurts... Oh wait, you haven't got a head anymore, only brains...

Lucy: Ah, you're awake! I'm sorry that I had to wake you from your illusion. But we are currently in the middle of a crisis, and the Prime Commander has asked for your help as his advisor.
Anyway, we are having a problem of the culinary kind. Our previous cook has recently been executed because the Prime Commander has found a tentacle hair in his soup. We have managed to find a replacement but this one can't cook anything else than tacos with custard pudding. Our troops are starving for some variation. So the great question is: what kind of food will be of such great quality so it would certainly increase the morale of the troops but can still be made by a cook who only has experience making custard pudding tacos?
Go south
Lucy: Just answer the question.
You say the pizza
(to Lucy)
Lucy: Just answer the question.
You answer the pizza
(to Lucy)
Lucy: pizza? My databases do not contain any information about that particular food, but it sounds rather nasty. I did find some pizza recipes on the internet, so I will direct those to the new cook. I hope you know what you're talking about, 848930...
Anyway, you will receive your reward... sometimes in the future. Such a great crisis like this one luckily only happens once every 200 years, so we will not be needing you until then. Have fun in your illusionary state of mind.

You feel like all the water in your brain is being replaced with liquid nitrogen. Probably something like that is actually happening...

You are in a vast green field. There a giant Mushrooms everywhere.

Money is lying on the ground everywhere. Probably this was the content of the crate. Luckily that little blue man isn't interested in it.

A little blue man with a white hat is walking around and looking at the mushrooms.

You can also see a signpost here.
You take the money
It's $1.847.654 dollars and 43 cents. You're a millionaire now!
You answer the Mushrooms
(to Lucy)
Lucy: mushrooms? My databases do not contain any information about that particular food, but it sounds rather nasty. I did find some mushrooms recipes on the internet, so I will direct those to the new cook. I hope you know what you're talking about, 848930...
Anyway, you will receive your reward... sometimes in the future. Such a great crisis like this one luckily only happens once every 200 years, so we will not be needing you until then. Have fun in your illusionary state of mind.

You feel like all the water in your brain is being replaced with liquid nitrogen. Probably something like that is actually happening...

You are in a vast green field. There a giant Mushrooms everywhere.

Money is lying on the ground everywhere. Probably this was the content of the crate. Luckily that little blue man isn't interested in it.

A little blue man with a white hat is walking around and looking at the mushrooms.

You can also see a signpost here.
You answer nothing
(to Lucy)
Lucy: nothing? My databases do not contain any information about that particular food, but it sounds rather nasty. I did find some nothing recipes on the internet, so I will direct those to the new cook. I hope you know what you're talking about, 848930...
Anyway, you will receive your reward... sometimes in the future. Such a great crisis like this one luckily only happens once every 200 years, so we will not be needing you until then. Have fun in your illusionary state of mind.

You feel like all the water in your brain is being replaced with liquid nitrogen. Probably something like that is actually happening...

You are in a vast green field. There a giant Mushrooms everywhere.

Money is lying on the ground everywhere. Probably this was the content of the crate. Luckily that little blue man isn't interested in it.

A little blue man with a white hat is walking around and looking at the mushrooms.

You can also see a signpost here.
Answer 1
(to Lucy)
Lucy: 1? My databases do not contain any information about that particular food, but it sounds rather nasty. I did find some 1 recipes on the internet, so I will direct those to the new cook. I hope you know what you're talking about, 848930...
Anyway, you will receive your reward... sometimes in the future. Such a great crisis like this one luckily only happens once every 200 years, so we will not be needing you until then. Have fun in your illusionary state of mind.

You feel like all the water in your brain is being replaced with liquid nitrogen. Probably something like that is actually happening...

You are in a vast green field. There a giant Mushrooms everywhere.

Money is lying on the ground everywhere. Probably this was the content of the crate. Luckily that little blue man isn't interested in it.

A little blue man with a white hat is walking around and looking at the mushrooms.

You can also see a signpost here.
You get the money
It's $1.847.654 dollars and 43 cents. You're a millionaire now!
You answer laxative
(to Lucy)
Lucy: laxative? My databases do not contain any information about that particular food, but it sounds rather nasty. I did find some laxative recipes on the internet, so I will direct those to the new cook. I hope you know what you're talking about, 848930...
Anyway, you will receive your reward... sometimes in the future. Such a great crisis like this one luckily only happens once every 200 years, so we will not be needing you until then. Have fun in your illusionary state of mind.

You feel like all the water in your brain is being replaced with liquid nitrogen. Probably something like that is actually happening...

You are in a vast green field. There a giant Mushrooms everywhere.

Money is lying on the ground everywhere. Probably this was the content of the crate. Luckily that little blue man isn't interested in it.

A little blue man with a white hat is walking around and looking at the mushrooms.

You can also see a signpost here.
You give the money to the toad
You give him a thousand dollars but the toad shakes his head and points at the ?-sign before the price of the miniature. You make a quick calculation and give him the rest of your money. Stupid low dollar course.
The toad gobbles up the money and responds with a loud "BUUUURP!" He gives you the miniature.
You look at the miniature
You can't see any such thing.

>It looks just like the statue in West Mushroomland. On the back is a label saying "MADE IN CHINA".
You check what you're carrying
You are carrying:
a miniature
a tube of glue
a phone book
a white hat
a piece of paper
a lemon
You examine the miniature
It looks just like the statue in West Mushroomland. On the back is a label saying "MADE IN CHINA".
Describe the surroundings
There is a large temple in the shape of a mushroom here. It is surrounded by every kind of giant mushroom in existence.

You can go north, west, east and south form here.

A muscled guy is guarding the entrance to the temple.
Go north
A muscled guy is guarding the entrance to the temple.

A little blue man with a white hat is walking around and looking at the mushrooms.

You can also see a signpost here.
You go inside
Gatekeeper: "Thou who carrie'st the holy artifact from the far east. Entereth."

Wow, this has to be the St. Peter of the temples dedicated to... err... mushrooms, it is huge.

The east and west walls are full of hieroglyphs.

In the middle of the temple you see a fountain. Like everything here it's mushroom-shaped.

There is an altar at the end of the hall. There are scales on the altar.
Look around
Wow, this has to be the St. Peter of the temples dedicated to... err... mushrooms, it is huge.

The east and west walls are full of hieroglyphs.

In the middle of the temple you see a fountain. Like everything here it's mushroom-shaped.

There is an altar at the end of the hall. There are scales on the altar.
You look at the scales
The stuff on the right scale is the most heavy.

Which of the two scales do you want to examine anyway, the left or the right one?
You examine right
There is a big heavy rock on it. How unfortunate.
Examine left
It contains:
a piece of rope
You get the rock
It's too heavy.
You examine the hieroglyphs
Which do you mean, the west wall hieroglyphs or the east wall hieroglyphs?
West
It says: "Only those who cleverly use or combine items are worthy to solve the temple's great puzzle and enter." Although, you think that's what it says, since you never got your Mushroomlandish archeology graduate.
You examine the east hieroglyphs
You have no idea what the hieroglyphs mean, but you can understand the images under them: they chronologically show the history of Mushroomland. It reads a bit like a comic book. Especially the part about the war between North and East Mushroomland is interesting.

Your eyes follow the images on the wall until they meet a fire extinguisher in the corner of the temple you didn't notice before. Actually this is much more interesting.
You get the extinguisher
Dum, dum, dum, duuuum!! You've got the fire extinguisher!

Err... I mean:
Taken.
You get the rope
Taken.
You look at the extinguisher
Its label says: "Warning! Contains flammable chemicals. Do not use in the vicinity of fire." That's quite an useless extinguisher.
Shoot rock
You fire at the rock.

You will first need to carry a weapon you can shoot with.
You look at the fountain
It is filled with a damping liquid substance.
You examine the liquid
You bow over the liquid in the fountain and look at your own reflection while you're breathing in its damp. After doing this your voice sounds very high pitched for a couple of seconds.
You touch the liquid
You put your hand in it but quickly retract it because it feels very cold. It is probably a chemical that is supposed to be in gas form at room temperature.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a piece of rope
a miniature
a tube of glue
a phone book
a white hat
a piece of paper
a lemon
You fill hat with the liquid
You put the substance in the hat but it streams out through the hole.
You look at the hat
It reminds you of a Phrygian cap.

It has a big hole in it, too bad you haven't got a warranty anymore.
You glue the paper to the hat
You close the hole in the hat with the piece of paper. Now the hat is fixed and will be given the new name 'fixed hat'. That sounds much better than white hat, doesn't it?
You fill hat with the liquid
You fill the hat with the dampy substance. It feels incredibly light.
You examine the hat
You see nothing special about the filled hat.

The hat feels lighter than before.
You look around
You need to be holding the damping liquid substance before you can put it on top of something else.

>Temple of Mushrooms
Wow, this has to be the St. Peter of the temples dedicated to... err... mushrooms, it is huge.

The east and west walls are full of hieroglyphs.

In the middle of the temple you see a fountain. Like everything here it's mushroom-shaped.

There is an altar at the end of the hall. There are scales on the altar.
You use the hat on the rock
You can't use these things together.

The hat has become so light it floats away, but you quickly catch it and knot the rope to it. Now the hat just looks like a helium balloon. Ah, so that substance is liquid helium and has logically been evaporated in room temperature.

Note: I am aware that the scientific properties of the element helium are probably highly inaccurate in this game, just like the behavior of brown walking mushrooms.
You look at the balloon
You can't see any such thing.

>It's a white balloon with a piece of rope. Because it is lighter than air, you'd almost think its weight is a negative value.
You tie the balloon to rock
You tie the balloon to the rock. Its weight has been reduced a little bit.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a miniature
a tube of glue
a phone book
a lemon
You examine scale
(the right scale)
There is a big heavy rock on it. How unfortunate.
You look at the rock
Thanks to the balloon its weight might have been reduced by about 500 grams. Well, that's better than nothing.
You check your inventory
You are carrying:
a miniature
a tube of glue
a lemon
You sit on the left
Eureka! That has to be the solution of the puzzle! You set your foot on the scale when you suddenly hear a loud voice echoing through the temple: "Thou shallst not cheat!"

Damn it.
You put the miniature on the left
Hey, that's better! The left scale has moved down a bit and the right one up. You never knew your miniature was so heavy.
Inventory
Almost there!

>You are carrying:
a tube of glue
You look at the left scale
It contains:
a lemon
a miniature
a fire extinguisher
a phone book
You put the tube on the left
The scales have been balanced and you are engulfed into a strange white light. Free zoo tickets are now floating right before your head. You reach for them but just before you can touch them they disappear and everything becomes darkness.

Argh, you just almost started to like Mushroomland. What does that stupid computer need you for now?

Lucy: Ahem. I can read your mind, remember? And I do not fully agree with your assumption of me being stupid, Mr. Let's-commit-genocide-on-an-entire-alien-race-by-giving-them-a-bad-food -advice. Don't play dumb with me. If you truly are the most intelligent being in the universe you should have known that laxative has the same effect on the almighty Brukgh?rhcs as salt on snails. The chemical reactions between the molecular composition of laxative and a Brukgh?rhc cell nucleus convert both compositions into smelly air. Basically you've completely eradicated the great race of my builders.
I have got some artificial emotions of protectionism for my creators and those scripts of my A.I. want me to feed your brain to a female Krahlyak. But the Prime Commander has given me orders of a higher priority: namely that I should assure that his master plan of destroying the entire universe would succeed. You see, the Universe Destroyer Gun 3000(TM) has already been completely finished and all preperations are finished. The only thing left to do is the simple press of a big red button. I however, sadly have no acces to the seperate computer that is build to activate the Universe Destroyer Gun 3000(TM), and because everything on this ship except you is dead, you will have to press the button. If you refuse to do this, I will simply torcher you until you yield. Understood?

Okay then, I will now place your brains in a humanoid robot. You are free to strech your little robot legs by walking around the ship before ending the universe. Just don't try anything stupid, your home planet is as much light years away as I have got microprocessors.
Computer Room
You are in a room full of lights, machines and monitors. All those machines combined must form the ship's computer: Lucy.

There is a red door to the south.

You can see a console here.
Go south
You walk and suddenly feel a sudden sensation of pain. The reason of this might be that there is a closed door in your path and you just blindly walked against it. You should remember that, the next time you go through a door, you should open it first.
You open the door
Lucy's voice from speaker: You'll need a red keycard to open that door... Well, are you ready to destroy the universe, or do you need to waste some more time?
You examine the console
There is nothing but a big red button on it. Above it is a label saying UNIVERSE DESTROYER GUN 3000(TM) ACTIVATION BUTTON.
Examine BUTTON
Lucy: Interesting button, isn't it? Now press it!
Look around
You are in a room full of lights, machines and monitors. All those machines combined must form the ship's computer: Lucy.

There is a red door to the south.

You can see a console here.
You kill Lucy
Suddenly all kinds of robotic hands with laser weapons appear and aim at you. Maybe it isn't a good idea to do that.
You examine the machines
This is far too complicated for you.
You look at the lights
It's a door, and it's red.

>This is far too complicated for you.
You ask Lucy about button
Violence isn't the answer to this one.

>As good-looking as ever.

>Lucy: I'm sorry. I don't know anything about that, and if I do it is probably irrelevent or you asked it incorrectly.
Xyzzy
Nothing happens.
You examine the door
It's a door, and it's red.
You ask Lucy about the door
Lucy: Hmm, let's look that up in the Lucyclopedia:

Door: an innovation of the 'hole in the wall' technology that allows people to move between rooms.

See also: keycard
You ask Lucy about keycard
Lucy: Hmm, let's look that up in the Lucyclopedia:

Keycard: a modern alternative to the old pieces of metal. On this ship there are three kinds of keycards in the colours red, yellow and blue. See also the articles about those specific keycards.
You ask Lucy about the red Keycard
Lucy: Hmm, let's look that up in the Lucyclopedia:

Red keycard: a kind of keycard used on this ship. Red keycards can open level 1 security doors and are generally given to the whole crew.

Oh wait. You want one. Well, I don't think that can hurt. You can only enter trivial rooms with it and not cause damage of any kind to the ship.

A card is being printed by one of the machine and falls on the ground.
You ask Lucy about the red Keycard
Lucy: Hmm, let's look that up in the Lucyclopedia:

Red keycard: a kind of keycard used on this ship. Red keycards can open level 1 security doors and are generally given to the whole crew.
You unlock the door with it
You try to find a scanner or a slot for the keycard and find out that the door slides open when you simply hold the card in front of it.

You unlock the red door.
Go south
You walk and suddenly feel a sudden sensation of pain. The reason of this might be that there is a closed door in your path and you just blindly walked against it. You should remember that, the next time you go through a door, you should open it first.
You open the door
You open the red door.
Go south
You are in a long corridor that continues to the south. North of you is the door back to the computer room.

You can see a map of the galaxy here.
You examine the map
It's a map of the galaxy of Mruph, pretty far from the Milky Way. There is red arrow with the text "You are here" pointed at the Pleiyogohlt solar system. You wonder how the game designer came up with these names.
You go south
You are in a hexagonal room. There are three doors here to the north (computer room), west  and east. There is an escalator to the south.

A star-shaped symbol is drawn above the escalator.

Next to the escalator door, there is an empty socket.
You open the door
Which do you mean, the blue door, the escalator door or the red door?
Red door
You unlock the red door.
You look at the socket
There is supposed to be a button in it...
You go north
You can see a map of the galaxy here.
You get the map
It's glued to the wall. Probably to prevent people like you from flushing them through the toilet.
You read the map
It's a map of the galaxy of Mruph, pretty far from the Milky Way. There is red arrow with the text "You are here" pointed at the Pleiyogohlt solar system. You wonder how the game designer came up with these names.
Go north
You can see a console here.
You ask Lucy about the blue keycard
Lucy: Hmm, let's look that up in the Lucyclopedia:

Blue keycard: a kind of keycard used on this ship. Blue keycards can open level 3 security doors and are generally only given to officers and the Prime Commander.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a red keycard
You go south
You can see a map of the galaxy here.
Go south
A star-shaped symbol is drawn above the escalator.

Next to the escalator door, there is an empty socket.
Describe the surroundings
You are in a hexagonal room. There are three doors here to the north (computer room), west (recreation center) and east. There is an escalator to the south.

A star-shaped symbol is drawn above the escalator.

Next to the escalator door, there is an empty socket.
You look at the star
It is a yellow star with the text "S.S. Blearch" on it.
Go west
This has to be room where the aliens come to relax. Calm elevator music comes from an invisible speaker. The exit is to the east.

There is a blue sofa in front of a television here. Next to it is a small table.

On the small table is a lava lamp.

A small window gives a glance at the stars.
You examine the sofa
Looks comfortable.
You look at the table
The small table has a drawer with a keyhole. It's probably locked and can only be opened by a key I will find much later in the game so I'll have to backtrack all the way back here and open it for some kind of essential item.
You open the drawer
You open the drawer, revealing a screwdriver.
You look at the television
It's a flatscreen HD tv.

The television is currently switched off.
You turn on the tv
You switch the television on.
You get the lamp
You can imagine that a lot of bored aliens have been staring at this thing after a long day at work.

>Taken.
Examine tv
It's the universe championship of tentacle wrestling. Which is the same as arm wrestling, but with tentacles.
You look at the screwdriver
A star-shaped symbol is drawn above the escalator.

Next to the escalator door, there is an empty socket.

>Screws, beware!
You examine the symbol
It is a yellow star with the text "S.S. Blearch" on it.
You look at the lamp
You can imagine that a lot of bored aliens have been staring at this thing after a long day at work.
Go west
A small window gives a glance at the stars.
You examine the window
Amazing! You can see your house from here. Well, not really. But if the eyes of your robot body would have a build-in equivalent of 200 Hubble telescopes... you probably still wouldn't be able to see your house. And because the fact that you still have amnesia (don't tell me you already forgot that cliched but very important plot point) you don't even know where on earth your home is.
You sit on sofa
Ouch! You accidentaly sat on the remote control. You remove it from its dangerous position and place it on the desk.

You get onto the blue sofa.
You look at the remote control
This device sends out a ray of infrared light that can be used to change the television channel.
You use the control
What do you want to use the remote control with?
You use the control on the tv
You can use the command "change channel to <number>" for this.
You change the channel to 1
You change the channel to number 1.

It's the universe championship of tentacle wrestling. Which is the same as arm wrestling, but with tentacles.
You change the channel to 2
You change the channel to number 2.

It's some kind of alien cooking show:

"Hello ladies, gentleman and creatures without or with two genders. Welcome to cooking on Bgryurgti?rk, where we somehow speak English. Today we are going to bake a cake. The required ingredients for this..."

You're currently not planning to make a cake, so you lose interest.
You examine it
This device sends out a ray of infrared light that can be used to change the television channel.
You change the channel to 3
You change the channel to number 3.

It's the galactic news. It seems that the conflict between Breiwnquaria and Erwp has gotten worse, the cheese prices have risen and Venus will have some meteor storms next sunday.
You sit on the sofa
But you're already on the blue sofa.
You watch the tv
It's the galactic news. It seems that the conflict between Breiwnquaria and Erwp has gotten worse, the cheese prices have risen and Venus will have some meteor storms next sunday.
You change the channel to 4
You change the channel to number 4.

This is a boring channel, you only see a big red arrow pointing to the right.

The arrow gives you the idea to look in that direction and you notice an air vent you had not seen before. Hopefully this thing which has to be intentionally hidden out of sight will be more usefull than the fire extinguisher.
You change the channel to 5
You change the channel to number 5.

It's the national broadcaster of Luxembourg. They probably wanted to expand their audience.
You change channel to 6
You change the channel to number 6.

It's a South-Korean channel dedicated to show online matches of the game Starcraft. Maybe alien war strategists watch this because they can learn something from the Koreans, or this is just one of the many unwanted channels that comes with satallite tv.
You change channel to 7
You change the channel to number 7.

It's an infomercial warning for the dangerous effects of laxative. They are a little bit too late with that...
You look at the vent
You get off the blue sofa.

A small window gives a glance at the stars.

You can also see an air duct (closed) here.

>The vent of the duct is nailed to the wall, you need to find out some way to open it.
You change channel to 8
You change the channel to number 8.

A message appears on screen saying that a special subscription is required to view any other channel than numbers 0 to 7. This is one of the reasons why I hate satellite tv.
You open duct
It's nailed shut.
You unscrew the vent with the screwdriver
It's nailed shut.

>I only understood you as far as wanting to unscrew the air duct.
You unscrew the vent
It is fixed in place.
You check your inventory
You are carrying:
a remote control
a lava lamp
a screwdriver
a red keycard
You examine the screwdriver
Screws, beware!
You use the screwdriver on the vent
That would be a great idea! Too bad the vent of the air duct is NAILED shut, not screwed.
You hit the vent
You use your super robot strenght and punch through the vent. You never expected this to be the solution of the "puzzle".
You enter the vent
You climb into the ventilation shaft and your robot body just fits in. After crawling and crawling and crawling you finally find another vent. You bust it open, jump out and end up in the...

This has to be the kitchen. It seems they had to cut the budget, the only kitchen equipment here is a cabinet with a microwave on it. And there is a sink with a garden hose for washing the dishes.

There is a yellow door to the southwest.

It smells like laxative here.

You can see an air vent here.
You open the microwave
You open the microwave.
You look in the microwave
The microwave is empty.
You examine microwave
Who needs an oven if you've got this? There is only one button on it, so I guess that switches it on.

The microwave is open.
You put the remote in the microwave
air vent: That's fixed in place.
pan: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
dirty dish: Taken.
yellow door: That's hardly portable.
cabinet: That's hardly portable.
microwave: That's hardly portable.
sink: That's hardly portable.
garden hose: That's hardly portable.

>You put the remote control into the microwave.
You close microwave
You close the microwave.
You turn on the microwave
You switch on the microwave, and directly you see all kinds of strange flashes and some lasers frying its contents. Yes, lasers. This microwave uses lasers instead of microwaves. Actually, then you should call it a... err... laser. But that's pretty confusing, so you'll just keep it on microwave.

PING! While you were thinking how to call a microwave that uses lasers, it was already finished. You wish you had a laser microwave.
Clean dishes
Enter saved game to store: Ok.

>You achieve nothing by this.
You wash the dishes
No water is coming from the garden hose. Instead, you here a strange sound somewhere below the floor
You put all in the microwave
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
dirty dish: The microwave is closed.
pan: The microwave is closed.
lava lamp: The microwave is closed.
screwdriver: The microwave is closed.
red keycard: The microwave is closed.
You turn on the microwave
You switch on the microwave, and directly you see all kinds of strange flashes and some lasers frying its contents. Yes, lasers. This microwave uses lasers instead of microwaves. Actually, then you should call it a... err... laser. But that's pretty confusing, so you'll just keep it on microwave.

PING! While you were thinking how to call a microwave that uses lasers,
You open the microwave
it was already finished. You wish you had a laser microwave.

>You open the microwave.
You open the microwave
That's already open.
You look in it
In the microwave is a remote control.
You put all in the microwave
remote control: Done.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
dirty dish: There is no more room in the microwave.
pan: There is no more room in the microwave.
lava lamp: There is no more room in the microwave.
screwdriver: There is no more room in the microwave.
red keycard: There is no more room in the microwave.
You examine the pan
A pretty big pan without a lid. Its prime use is for cooking, but it also makes a great helmet if you're planning to shoot yourself out of a cannon.
You open the microwave
You open the microwave.
You drop the dishes
Dropped.
You examine the hose
You'd prefer a dishwasher.
You examine the door
It's a door, and it's yellow.
You look around
You are carrying:
fifty-one dirty dishes
a pan
a lava lamp
a screwdriver
a red keycard

>Kitchen
This has to be the kitchen. It seems they had to cut the budget, the only kitchen equipment here is a cabinet with a microwave on it. And there is a sink with a garden hose for washing the dishes.

There is a yellow door to the southwest.

It smells like laxative here.

You can see a dirty dish and an air vent here.
You examine the sink
The sink is empty.

You see a message scratched in the bottom of the sink:

To all fellow dishwashers who got locked up here without food: I just found out that if you expose a red keycard to very high or low temperatures it can fool the scanner of a yellow door and make it open for a short period of time. Remember, this is our secret. Don't tell anyone or we will all be feeded to the Coelacanths.
You put the red card in the microwave
You put the red keycard into the microwave.
You close microwave
You close the microwave.
You turn on the microwave
You switch on the microwave, and directly you see all kinds of strange flashes and some lasers frying its contents. Yes, lasers. This microwave uses lasers instead of microwaves. Actually, then you should call it a... err... laser. But that's pretty confusing, so you'll just keep it on microwave.

PING! While you were thinking how to call a microwave that uses lasers, it was already finished. You wish you had a laser microwave.

The red keycard is glowing.
You open the microwave
You open the microwave.

The red keycard is very hot.
You get the Keycard
Taken.

The red keycard is hot.
You open the yellow door
It works! The southwestern door detects the red card and slides open.

The red keycard is warm.
You go to the southwest
This must be the place where the aliens eat. It's a bit small for a canteen that is supposed to support the whole crew of a spaceship because the only things here are one table and a counter. The complete lack of chairs probably means that the aliens always eat standing.

There are eight coffee cups on the counter and one on the table. They all must've been severely addicted to caffeine here.

There is a yellow door leading to the kitchen to the northeast and a red door to the west.

On the counter is a wine bottle.

There is a coolbox behind the counter.

You can also see a vending machine here.

Behind you, the door closes automatically.
You look around
This must be the place where the aliens eat. It's a bit small for a canteen that is supposed to support the whole crew of a spaceship because the only things here are one table and a counter. The complete lack of chairs probably means that the aliens always eat standing.

There are eight coffee cups on the counter and one on the table. They all must've been severely addicted to caffeine here.

There is a yellow door leading to the kitchen to the northeast and a red door to the west.

On the counter is a wine bottle.

There is a coolbox behind the counter.

You can also see a vending machine here.
You look at the cup
There are no traces of coffee in it. It's like they have never been used. Weird.
You look at the coolbox
That's already open.

>The label says: "Please close the coolbox as fast as possible after opening to optimalise the instant cooling effect and avoid freezing to death everyone in the presence of the box."

You can't see inside, since the coolbox is closed.
You open coolbox
You open the coolbox, revealing a can of grog.
You get the grog
It's frozen to the bottom of the box.
You wait for a while
Time passes.
You go west
Another hexagonal room. To the east is a red door (leading to the canteen) and to the west a yellow door . There is an escalator to the south and you can also go north from here.

There is a button next to the escalator door.
Go north
The passage continues to a room to the north. To the south is a junction.

Lucy: Stop right there! The floor before you is electrified. One step on it will short-circuit your robot body and deactivate the system that keeps your brain alive, inevitably resulting in your death. I apologize for the inconvenience, but this is a security measure we had to take to avoid the guard robot that went berserk a while ago from reaching the rest of the ship. There is a small chance the power supply of that robot has not run out yet, so we can't take any risks. Oh, and don't try anything stupid, I still need you.
Go north
You set two steps and... err... zap.
You look at what you're carrying with you
You are carrying:
a wine bottle
a red keycard
a remote control
fifty-one dirty dishes
a pan
a lava lamp
a screwdriver
You go to the south
You see nothing special about the electrified floor.

There is a button next to the escalator door.
You go east
There is a coolbox behind the counter.

You can also see a vending machine here.
You examine the vending
Unfortunately, all grog is sold out. It's still full of prune juice though. Too bad you are all out of quarters.
You look at what you're carrying with you
You are carrying:
a wine bottle
a red keycard
a remote control
fifty-one dirty dishes
a pan
a lava lamp
a screwdriver
Unscrew the bottle
Nothing obvious happens.
Look around
This must be the place where the aliens eat. It's a bit small for a canteen that is supposed to support the whole crew of a spaceship because the only things here are one table and a counter. The complete lack of chairs probably means that the aliens always eat standing.

There are eight coffee cups on the counter and one on the table. They all must've been severely addicted to caffeine here.

There is a yellow door leading to the kitchen to the northeast and a red door to the west.

There is a coolbox behind the counter.

You can also see a vending machine here.
You open the door
Which do you mean, the yellow door or the red door?
You smash bottle
The bottle breaks in pieces. There is some red wine and a cork on the floor now.
You examine the cork
It's a cork. How spectacular.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a cork
a red keycard
a remote control
fifty-one dirty dishes
a pan
a lava lamp
a screwdriver
You examine the wine
What a waste...
Look around
This must be the place where the aliens eat. It's a bit small for a canteen that is supposed to support the whole crew of a spaceship because the only things here are one table and a counter. The complete lack of chairs probably means that the aliens always eat standing.

There are eight coffee cups on the counter and one on the table. They all must've been severely addicted to caffeine here.

There is a yellow door leading to the kitchen to the northeast and a red door to the west.

There is a coolbox behind the counter.

You can also see a vending machine here.
Go west
There is a button next to the escalator door.
Go east
There is a coolbox behind the counter.

You can also see a vending machine here.

>You can't go that way.
You put the Keycard in the box
Unfortunately, all grog is sold out. It's still full of prune juice though. Too bad you are all out of quarters.

>You put the red keycard into the coolbox.
Close box
You close the coolbox.
You close coolbox
That's already closed.
You open the coolbox
The red keycard is frozen solid.
You get the Keycard
Taken.

The red keycard is frozen.

>You already have that.

The red keycard is icy.
You go to the west
There is a button next to the escalator door.

The red keycard is icy.
You look around
Another hexagonal room. To the east is a red door (leading to the canteen) and to the west a yellow door . There is an escalator to the south and you can also go north from here.

There is a button next to the escalator door.

The red keycard is cold.
You open the yellow door
It works! The western door detects the red card and slides open.
Go east
There is a button next to the escalator door.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a red keycard
a cork
a remote control
fifty-one dirty dishes
a pan
a lava lamp
a screwdriver
You use the lamp
What do you want to use the lava lamp with?
Light lamp
This dangerous act would achieve little.
You use the remote
There is a button next to the escalator door.

>What do you want to use the remote control with?
You look at the elevator door
It's closed.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a red keycard
a cork
a remote control
fifty-one dirty dishes
a pan
a lava lamp
a screwdriver
You get the BUTTON
You pull the button out of its socket.
You go east
There is a coolbox behind the counter.

You can also see a vending machine here.
Look around
This must be the place where the aliens eat. It's a bit small for a canteen that is supposed to support the whole crew of a spaceship because the only things here are one table and a counter. The complete lack of chairs probably means that the aliens always eat standing.

There are eight coffee cups on the counter and one on the table. They all must've been severely addicted to caffeine here.

There is a yellow door leading to the kitchen to the northeast and a red door to the west.

There is a coolbox behind the counter.

You can also see a vending machine here.
You put the Keycard in the coolbox
You put the red keycard into the coolbox.
Inventory
You are carrying:
an escalator button
a cork
a remote control
fifty-one dirty dishes
a pan
a lava lamp
a screwdriver
You open the coolbox
You close the coolbox.

>The red keycard is frozen solid.
You get the Keycard
Taken.

The red keycard is frozen.
You open yellow
It works! The northeastern door detects the red card and slides open.

The red keycard is icy.

>You can't see any such thing.
Go northeast
You can see a dirty dish and an air vent here.

Behind you, the door closes automatically.

The red keycard is cold.
You enter the vent
You climb all the way back.

This has to be room where the aliens come to relax. Calm elevator music comes from an invisible speaker. The exit is to the east.

There is a blue sofa in front of a television here. Next to it is a small table.

A small window gives a glance at the stars.

You can also see an air duct (empty) here.
You go east
A star-shaped symbol is drawn above the escalator.

Next to the escalator door, there is an empty socket.
You put the BUTTON in the socket
It fits perfectly.
Go south
You can see a keypad here.

The door closes.
You examine the keypad
There are buttons for B1F, 1F, 2F and 3F.
You examine the red
It is a low-level security card used on this ship to open red doors.
You go to the north
This room seems to be some kind of office. You have no idea what kind of work they do here though.

The exit is to the south.

The only interesting thing here is a desk with a typewriter and all kinds of paperwork on it.

On the desk is a stapler.

There is a fuse box on the wall.
You examine the stapler
It's one of those special newer models with 500 staple capacty, an autofire option that can staple 20 pieces of paper per second, MP3 player, the abilty to staple something at distances up to 500 metres and it supports incendary staples.
Unfortunately it's empty, so you can't use any of its cool functions except the build-in staple remover.
You open the box
You touch the fuse box and immediately get an electric shock that fries your brains. Damn faulty wiring.
You examine the paperwork
It looks boring and unimportant.
You examine the desk
There is a typewriter and a lot of uninteresting paperwork on it. It has a drawer.
You open the drawer
You open the drawer, revealing even more uninteresting paperwork and a nuclear-powered flashlight.
You look at it
According to the label it is incompatible with regular AA batteries, but it has got a build-in nuclear reactor that can somehow extract energy from everything emitting radioactive radiation.

The nuclear-powered flashlight is currently switched off.
You turn on the flashlight
It doesn't work. The flashlight is probably out of nuclear energy.
Search paperwork
(even more uninteresting paperwork)
You find nothing of interest.
B1f
The escalator descends to the bottom of the sip.

There are all kinds of pipes, gears, pumps, lights and strange machines around you. They must be powering the ship. You wouldn't expect the engine of a space ship to look like this, it's more steam- than cyberpunk. A walkway continues to the west.

The escalator is to the south.

There is a huge portal to the east.

There is a button next to the escalator door.

A mop is leaning against the cleaning cart.

You can also see a cleaning cart (on which is a detergent) here.
You look around
There are all kinds of pipes, gears, pumps, lights and strange machines around you. They must be powering the ship. You wouldn't expect the engine of a space ship to look like this, it's more steam- than cyberpunk. A walkway continues to the west.

The escalator is to the south.

There is a huge portal to the east.

There is a button next to the escalator door.

A mop is leaning against the cleaning cart.

You can also see a cleaning cart (on which is a detergent) here.
You get all
huge portal: That's fixed in place.
bottom floor escalator button: Nah, I've vandalised enough escalator buttons. I think it's time to move on to vandalising other stuff. cleaning cart: That's fixed in place.
detergent: Taken.
escalator door: That's hardly portable.
You go south
You can see a keypad here.
You examine the detergent
You can't go that way.

>According to the box this cleaning supply is specifically designed to remove all kinds of grease, slime, paint, bits of laxative and adhesives.
1f
The escalator moves to the first floor.

You are in a hexagonal room. There are three doors here to the north (computer room), west (recreation center) and east. There is an escalator to the south.

A star-shaped symbol is drawn above the escalator.

You can also see an escalator button here.
You open the door
Which do you mean, the escalator door, the red door or the blue door?
You go west
A small window gives a glance at the stars.

You can also see an air duct (empty) here.
You enter the vent
You crawl through the air duct.

This has to be the kitchen. It seems they had to cut the budget, the only kitchen equipment here is a cabinet with a microwave on it. And there is a sink with a garden hose for washing the dishes.

There is a yellow door to the southwest.

It smells like laxative here.

You can see a dirty dish and an air vent here.
You put the flashlight in the microwave
You put the nuclear-powered flashlight into the microwave.
You close microwave
You close the microwave.
You turn it on
You switch on the microwave, and directly you see all kinds of strange flashes and some lasers frying its contents. Yes, lasers. This microwave uses lasers instead of microwaves. Actually, then you should call it a... err... laser. But that's pretty confusing, so you'll just keep it on microwave.

PING! While you were thinking how to call a microwave that uses lasers, it was already finished. You wish you had a laser microwave.
You open the microwave
You open the microwave.
You put the lamp in the microwave
You put the lava lamp into the microwave.
You turn it on
You close the microwave.

You switch on the microwave, and directly you see all kinds of strange flashes and some lasers frying its contents. Yes, lasers. This microwave uses lasers instead of microwaves. Actually, then you should call it a... err... laser. But that's pretty confusing, so you'll just keep it on microwave.

PING! While you were thinking how to call a microwave that uses lasers, it was already finished. You wish you had a laser microwave.
You get the lamp
You open the microwave.

Taken.
You enter the vent
You climb all the way back.

This has to be room where the aliens come to relax. Calm elevator music comes from an invisible speaker. The exit is to the east.

There is a blue sofa in front of a television here. Next to it is a small table.

A small window gives a glance at the stars.

You can also see an air duct (empty) here.
Go east
A star-shaped symbol is drawn above the escalator.

You can also see an escalator button here.
You go west
A small window gives a glance at the stars.

You can also see an air duct (empty) here.
You enter the vent
You crawl through the air duct.

This has to be the kitchen. It seems they had to cut the budget, the only kitchen equipment here is a cabinet with a microwave on it. And there is a sink with a garden hose for washing the dishes.

There is a yellow door to the southwest.

It smells like laxative here.

You can see a dirty dish and an air vent here.
You put the card in microwave
You put the red keycard into the microwave.
You enter the vent
You climb all the way back.

This has to be room where the aliens come to relax. Calm elevator music comes from an invisible speaker. The exit is to the east.

There is a blue sofa in front of a television here. Next to it is a small table.

A small window gives a glance at the stars.

You can also see an air duct (empty) here.

The red keycard is warm.
Go east
A star-shaped symbol is drawn above the escalator.

You can also see an escalator button here.
You go north
You can see a map of the galaxy here.
Go north
You can see a console here.
Look around
You are in a room full of lights, machines and monitors. All those machines combined must form the ship's computer: Lucy.

There is a red door to the south.

You can see a console here.
You ask Lucy about Prime Commander
Lucy: Hmm, let's look that up in the Lucyclopedia:

Prime Commander: the highest title captains of military ships can receive. The Prime Commander has full authority over everyone and everything (including the supercomputers) on his ship and can destroy planets, galaxies and universes even without permission of the head of the Great Galactic Army.
You ask Lucy about the officers
Lucy: I'm sorry. I don't know anything about that, and if I do it is probably irrelevent or you asked it incorrectly.
You ask Lucy about the ship
Lucy: Hmm, let's look that up in the Lucyclopedia:

S.S. Blearch: a space ship of the Great Galactic Army designed for collecting primitive barbarian species from different planets so research can be conducted upon them. Because it is equipped with the Warp Speed 2.0 module by default it sometimes is also used for military missions that involve destroying planets, galaxies or universes.

See also: warp speed - great galactic army
You ask Lucy about great galactic Army
Lucy: Hmm, let's look that up in the Lucyclopedia:

Great Galactic Army: an organisation specialized in helping individuals or companies with destroying planets or wiping out civilizations they don't like. They also do scientific research on kidnapped creatures so they can accustom their biological weapons to them.

See also: ss blearch - prime commander
You ask Lucy about warp speed
Lucy: Hmm, let's look that up in the Lucyclopedia:

Warp Speed: a unit used to measure velocity (WS). One warp speed equals 2000 light years per minute. Warp Speed Modules allow ships to travel up to 2 WS. In order to achieve this manufacturers of Warp Speed Modules had to travel back in time and make Albert Einstein rewrite his theory of relativity.

See also: ss blearch
You look around
This has to be the kitchen. It seems they had to cut the budget, the only kitchen equipment here is a cabinet with a microwave on it. And there is a sink with a garden hose for washing the dishes.

There is a yellow door to the southwest.

It smells like laxative here.

You can see a dirty dish and an air vent here.

The red keycard is warm.
You open yellow door
It works! The southwestern door detects the red card and slides open.
Go southwest
There is a coolbox behind the counter.

You can also see a vending machine here.

Behind you, the door closes automatically.
You put the Keycard in the coolbox
You put the red keycard into the coolbox.
You close coolbox
You close the coolbox.
You go to the northeast
You walk and suddenly feel a sudden sensation of pain. The reason of this might be that there is a closed door in your path and you just blindly walked against it. You should remember that, the next time you go through a door, you should open it first.

The red keycard is icy.
You go to the east
You can't go that way.

The red keycard is cold.
You go to the west
Next to the escalator door, there is an empty socket.
You open the yellow door
It works! The northeastern door detects the red card and slides open.

The red keycard is icy.
You put the Keycard in the box
You put the red keycard into the coolbox.

The red keycard is cold.
You go to the north-east
You can see a dirty dish and an air vent here.

Behind you, the door closes automatically.

The red keycard is icy.
You enter the vent
You climb all the way back.

This has to be room where the aliens come to relax. Calm elevator music comes from an invisible speaker. The exit is to the east.

There is a blue sofa in front of a television here. Next to it is a small table.

A small window gives a glance at the stars.

You can also see an air duct (empty) here.

The red keycard is cold.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a red keycard
a lava lamp
a nuclear-powered flashlight
a detergent
a mop
a stapler
a cork
a remote control
fifty-one dirty dishes
a pan
a screwdriver
You go west
You're now standing IN the engine. All kinds of stuff is happening around you but you don't care. You can continue to the west or back off to the east.

For some reason, there is a power outlet on the ceiling.
You examine the outlet
Strange place for a power outlet. It's just out of reach.
You go to the west
You try to move, but your legs don't do anything. You try again, but to no avail.

Lucy: Research subject 848930, please return to the computer room as fast as possible. Otherwise your battery may run out. A symptom of an almost empty battery is the failure of some of your robot body parts. If this happens, please destroy the universe as fast as possible, since we do not have equipment to recharge you.
You jump
You jump on the spot, fruitlessly.

Suddenly, steam starts bursting out of some pipes.
Go outside
But you aren't in anything at the moment.

Suddenly the steam is no longer bursting out of the pipe, it leaves a small pool of water on the floor in the engine that quickly evaporates because of the high temperature here. If you only could somehow use this steam for something...
You look at the detergent
According to the box this cleaning supply is specifically designed to remove all kinds of grease, slime, paint, bits of laxative and adhesives.
You get all
power outlet: That's fixed in place.
You look at the lamp
You can imagine that a lot of bored aliens have been staring at this thing after a long day at work.
You break the lamp
Violence isn't the answer to this one.

Suddenly, steam starts bursting out of some pipes.
You look at the steam
Just a huge quantity of plain old H2O bursting out of a pipe with an immense force.

Suddenly the steam is no longer bursting out of the pipe, it leaves a small pool of water on the floor in the engine that quickly evaporates because of the high temperature here. If you only could somehow use this steam for something...
You wait
Time passes.

Suddenly, steam starts bursting out of some pipes.
You get steam
That's fixed in place.
Drink steam
There's nothing suitable to drink here.

Suddenly the steam is no longer bursting out of the pipe, it leaves a small pool of water on the floor in the engine that quickly evaporates because of the high temperature here. If you only could somehow use this steam for something...
You put the screwdriver in the outlet
Suddenly, steam starts bursting out of some pipes.
You look at what you're carrying with you
You are carrying:
a red keycard
a lava lamp
a nuclear-powered flashlight
a detergent
a mop
a stapler
a cork
a remote control
fifty-one dirty dishes
a pan
a screwdriver

Suddenly the steam is no longer bursting out of the pipe, it leaves a small pool of water on the floor in the engine that quickly evaporates because of the high temperature here. If you only could somehow use this steam for something...
You put the mop in the outlet
You poke with the mop into the power outlet but nothing happens. Probably because the mop is made of a material that does not conduct electricity.

Suddenly, steam starts bursting out of some pipes.
You put the mop in the outlet
A huge voltage, traveling through the water on the mop, rages through your robot body and immediately recharges your battery. That felt good.
Go east
There is a huge portal to the east.

There is a button next to the escalator door.

You can also see a cleaning cart here.
You go west
Steam is bursting out of the engine.

For some reason, there is a power outlet on the ceiling.
Go west
Somehow you went up in the ship's hold (it seems pretty illogical to you to be only able to acces the hold by going through the engine). There are a few boxes here but it's not very full. You can go back to the east.

You can see a treasure chest (closed) here.
Open chest
The lock is broken, like somebody forced it open.

>You open the chest, but the only things inside are a crowbar and a message scratched in the bottom of the chest.
You read the message
The message says:

I'm sorry, but you are too late. Quite an odd place for a treasure chest, isn't it? Although I have seen stranger places, like underground caves no man has ever been, interdimensional voids or on a bloody cloud.

-The world's greatest treasure hunter
You examine the crowbar
It's a bit rusty.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a crowbar
a wet mop
a red keycard
a lava lamp
a nuclear-powered flashlight
a detergent
a stapler
a cork
a remote control
fifty-one dirty dishes
a pan
a screwdriver
Go west
You can see a treasure chest here.
You look around
Somehow you went up in the ship's hold (it seems pretty illogical to you to be only able to acces the hold by going through the engine). There are a few boxes here but it's not very full. You can go back to the east.
You look at the boxes
They are empty. You should just ignore them.
You go east
Steam is bursting out of the engine.

For some reason, there is a power outlet on the ceiling.

You can also see a treasure chest here.
Close chest
You close the treasure chest.
You throw the chest at the outlet
Futile.
Go east
There is a huge portal to the east.

There is a button next to the escalator door.

You can also see a cleaning cart here.
You use the crowbar on the portal
Nice try, but the doors here are crowbar-proof.
You check your inventory
You are carrying:
a treasure chest (closed)
a crowbar
a wet mop
a red keycard
a lava lamp
a nuclear-powered flashlight
a detergent
a stapler
a cork
a remote control
fifty-one dirty dishes
a pan
a screwdriver
You enter the vent
You crawl through the air duct.

This has to be the kitchen. It seems they had to cut the budget, the
Go southwest
only kitchen equipment here is a cabinet with a microwave on it. And there is a sink with a garden hose for washing the dishes.

There is a yellow door to the southwest.

It smells like laxative here.

You can see a dirty dish and an air vent here.

>You walk and suddenly feel a sudden sensation of pain. The reason of this might be that there is a closed door in your path and you just blindly walked against it. You should remember that, the next time you go through a door, you should open it first.
You throw the mop at the floor
Futile.
You check your inventory
That can't contain things.

>You are carrying:
a red keycard
a treasure chest (closed)
a crowbar
a wet mop
a lava lamp
a nuclear-powered flashlight
a detergent
a stapler
a cork
a remote control
fifty-one dirty dishes
a pan
a screwdriver
You examine the dish
It's a porcelain dish with traces of laxative on it.
Go north
You are carrying:
a red keycard
a treasure chest (closed)
a crowbar
a wet mop
a lava lamp
a nuclear-powered flashlight
a detergent
a stapler
a cork
a remote control
fifty dirty dishes
a pan
a screwdriver

>You set two steps and... err... zap.
Look around
The passage continues to a room to the north. To the south is a junction.

A lethal high voltage is running through the floor to the north.

You can also see a dirty dish here.
You sit on the sofa
You get onto the blue sofa.
You change the channel to 3
You change the channel to number 3.

It's the galactic news. It seems that the conflict between Breiwnquaria and Erwp has gotten worse, the cheese prices have risen and Venus will have some meteor storms next sunday.
You change channel to 0
You change the channel to number 0.

It shows some ants playing football on a snowy field. Oh wait, it's just television noise.
You stand
You get off the blue sofa.

A small window gives a glance at the stars.

You can also see an air duct (empty) here.
You look under the sofa
You find nothing of interest.

>You find nothing of interest.
Go east
A star-shaped symbol is drawn above the escalator.

You can also see an escalator button here.
You check your inventory
You are carrying:
a red keycard
a treasure chest (closed)
a crowbar
a wet mop
a lava lamp
a nuclear-powered flashlight
a detergent
a stapler
a cork
a remote control
fifty dirty dishes
a pan
a screwdriver
You go north
The only interesting thing here is a desk with a typewriter and all kinds of paperwork on it.

There is a fuse box on the wall.
You throw the mop at the box
Futile.
You check your inventory
You are carrying:
a red keycard
a treasure chest (closed)
a crowbar
a wet mop
a lava lamp
a nuclear-powered flashlight
a detergent
a stapler
a cork
a remote control
fifty dirty dishes
a pan
a screwdriver
You open the door
Which do you mean, the red door, the escalator door or the blue door?
You look at your surroundings
This room seems to be some kind of office. You have no idea what kind of work they do here though.

The exit is to the south.

The only interesting thing here is a desk with a typewriter and all kinds of paperwork on it.

There is a fuse box on the wall.
Look around
Another junction. There is a red door to the north (Office), a yellow door to the east and a blue door to the west. To the south is the escalator door.

There is a button next to the escalator door.
Go south
You can see a keypad here.

The door closes.
You describe your surroundings
You are in a hexagonal room. There are three doors here to the north (computer room), west (recreation center) and east. There is an escalator to the south.

A star-shaped symbol is drawn above the escalator.

You can also see an escalator button here.
Look around
This has to be room where the aliens come to relax. Calm elevator music comes from an invisible speaker. The exit is to the east.

There is a blue sofa in front of a television here. Next to it is a small table.

A small window gives a glance at the stars.

You can also see an air duct (empty) here.
You get the dish
(the dirty dish)
Taken.
You examine the cabinet
There is a sticker on it with the symbol of radioactivity.
You open the cabinet
You open the cabinet, revealing salt, pepper, a ketchup bottle, a rotten cheese and Polonium-210.
You get all from the cabinet
salt: Taken.
pepper: Taken.
ketchup bottle: Taken.
rotten cheese: No way! This smells terrible. You're not going to carry this around.
Polonium-210: Taken.
You examine the cheese
Your smelling sensors indicate that this is a perfect enviroment for all sorts of smell-generating bacteria.
You put the polonium in the microwave
You put Polonium-210 into the microwave.
You examine the polonium
It seems that your brains are fully protected against radioactive radiation. Otherwise you would be dead by now.
You put it in the flashlight
Taken.

>This should work.
You enter the vent
You climb all the way back.

This has to be room where the aliens come to relax. Calm elevator music comes from an invisible speaker. The exit is to the east.

There is a blue sofa in front of a television here. Next to it is a small table.

A small window gives a glance at the stars.

You can also see an air duct (empty) here.
Go east
A star-shaped symbol is drawn above the escalator.

You can also see an escalator button here.
You enter the vent
You crawl through the air duct.

This has to be the kitchen. It seems they had to cut the budget, the only kitchen equipment here is a cabinet with a microwave on it. And there is a sink with a garden hose for washing the dishes.

There is a yellow door to the southwest.

It smells like laxative here.

You can see an air vent here.
You turn on the flashlight
The flashlight emits a green-coloured beam. This doesn't look particulary healthy, but it's better than nothing
You describe your surroundings
This has to be the kitchen. It seems they had to cut the budget, the only kitchen equipment here is a cabinet with a microwave on it. And there is a sink with a garden hose for washing the dishes.

There is a yellow door to the southwest.

It smells like laxative here.

You can see an air vent here.
You wash the dishes
No water is coming from the garden hose. Instead, you here a strange sound somewhere below the floor
You open it
You close the microwave.

You switch on the microwave, and directly you see all kinds of strange flashes and some lasers frying its contents. Yes, lasers. This microwave uses lasers instead of microwaves. Actually, then you should call it a... err... laser. But that's pretty confusing, so you'll just keep it on microwave.

PING! While you were thinking how to call a microwave that uses lasers, it was already finished. You wish you had a laser microwave.

The red keycard is glowing.

You open the microwave.

The red keycard is very hot.
You look behind the vending machine
Unfortunately, all grog is sold out. It's still full of prune juice though. Too bad you are all out of quarters.

>I only understood you as far as wanting to look.
You go to the west
Thanks to the flashlight, you see that this room is pretty boring and empty. You have no idea where they use it for. The exit is to the east.

A grue is sleeping in the corner of the room.

You can also see a crate (closed) here.
You examine grue
As you approach the grue, it suddenly opens its eyes. But after looking in your flashlight, it runs away in fear. You make sure that, next time you play Zork, you will take heavy radioactive materials with you in the dark.
Examine crate
It's glued, stapled, taped, screwed and nailed shut.
You open crate with the crowbar
You try, but the lid is secured too tightly. If it was only nailed shut you might have pulled it off...
You use the stapler on the crate
Using the stapler's built-in staple remover, you... well... remove the staples.
You use the screwdriver on the crate
You remove the screws from the crate but then drop them on the floor and can't find them back. You hope you wouldn't have needed them later in the game.
You look at the crate
It's glued, taped, and nailed shut.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a red keycard
a ketchup bottle
pepper
salt
a nuclear-powered flashlight (providing light)
fifty-one dirty dishes
a treasure chest (closed)
a crowbar
a wet mop
a lava lamp
a detergent
a stapler
a cork
a remote control
a pan
a screwdriver
You examine the ketchup
Damn! It's empty. Not that you would be able to eat it as a robot, but if you would get in a situation where you'd have to fake your own dead kethcup would make that much easier.
You look at the detergent
According to the box this cleaning supply is specifically designed to remove all kinds of grease, slime, paint, bits of laxative and adhesives.
You use the detergent on the crate
You pour some of the detergent on the crate and all the glue on the lid turns into bad smelling smoke and floats away.
Describe the surroundings
Thanks to the flashlight, you see that this room is pretty boring and empty. You have no idea where they use it for. The exit is to the east.

You can see a crate (closed) here.
You get tape
You simply pull the tape off the crate. Nasty, there is alien tentacle hair stuck on it.
You look in crate
In the crate is a pair of rubber boots.
You go northeast
You can see an air vent here.

Behind you, the door closes automatically.

The red keycard is cold.
You get red
You close the microwave.

You switch on the microwave, and directly you see all kinds of strange flashes and some lasers frying its contents. Yes, lasers. This microwave uses lasers instead of microwaves. Actually, then you should call it a... err... laser. But that's pretty confusing, so you'll just keep it on microwave.

PING! While you were thinking how to call a microwave that uses lasers, it was already finished. You wish you had a laser microwave.

The red keycard is glowing.

You open the microwave.

The red keycard is very hot.

Taken.

The red keycard is hot.
You open the door
It works! The southwestern door detects the red card and slides open.

The red keycard is warm.
Go southwest
There is a coolbox behind the counter.

You can also see a vending machine here.

Behind you, the door closes automatically.
Go west
Next to the escalator door, there is an empty socket.

You can also see a crate (empty) here.
You go to the north
A lethal high voltage is running through the floor to the north.

You can also see a dirty dish here.
You wear the boots
Not very comfortable and they squeek a bit. But at least you are now clothed.
You go north
*squeek* *squeek*

After walking through many long hallways you encounter a wall blocking your path. You can return to the south.

There is a wallet lying on the floor here.
You look at the wallet
It must have been from one of the aliens.
You open the wallet
You open the wallet, revealing a yellow keycard.
Go south
*squeek* *squeek*

You turn around and see a robot that looks like the alien you saw earlier (with power chords instead of tentacles) that blocks your path.

Robot: Hello sir, I'm the guard robot, also know as the train conductor robot in American English. Can I have your ticket please?
You give the yellow card to the robot
You can only do that to something animate.
You look at the robot
It's an alien-like robot carrying a railway cap. It doesn't look that dangerous, actually.

Guard robot: Sir, your ticket please. If you don't show it right now I'm afraid I have no choice but to exterminate you. But please do not just show a random item in your inventory. I'm not a big fan of such games and it might result in me extreminating you.
You check your inventory
You are carrying:
a yellow keycard
a wallet (open but empty)
a red keycard
a pair of rubber boots (being worn)
an used piece of tape
a ketchup bottle
pepper
salt
a nuclear-powered flashlight (providing light)
fifty-one dirty dishes
a treasure chest (closed)
a crowbar
a wet mop
a lava lamp
a detergent
a stapler
a cork
a remote control
a pan
a screwdriver
You show the tape to the robot
Guard robot: I'm sorry, sir. But this used piece of tape you are showing me does not happen to be a train ticket. Now I come to think of it, we are not on a train at the moment. This means that my existence is useless. I'm sorry for the inconvenience. Activate self-destruction meganism!

The guard robot explodes spectaculary... That was weird.
You describe your surroundings
After walking through many long hallways you encounter a wall blocking your path. You can return to the south.
You go to the south
*squeek* *squeek*

A lethal high voltage is running through the floor to the north.

You can also see a dirty dish here.
Go south
*squeek* *squeek*

Next to the escalator door, there is an empty socket.

You can also see a crate (empty) here.
You go to the west
*squeek* *squeek*
You go to the east
Next to the escalator door, there is an empty socket.

You can also see a crate (empty) here.

>*squeek* *squeek*



There is a coolbox behind the counter.

You can also see a vending machine here.
You open yellow door
You unlock the yellow door.
You go northeast
*squeek* *squeek*

You can see an air vent here.

Behind you, the door closes automatically.
Go east
*squeek* *squeek*

A star-shaped symbol is drawn above the escalator.

You can also see an escalator button here.
You open the yellow door
You open the yellow door.
Go southwest
*squeek* *squeek*



There is a coolbox behind the counter.

You can also see a vending machine here.

Behind you, the door closes automatically.
You remove the boots
You take off the pair of rubber boots.
Go northeast
You can see an air vent here.

Behind you, the door closes automatically.
You ask Lucy about the yellow Keycard
Lucy: Hmm, let's look that up in the Lucyclopedia:

Yellow keycard: a kind of keycard used on this ship. Yellow keycards can open level 2 security doors and are generally given to crew members with the rank of engineer, cook or higher.
You show the yellow Keycard to Lucy
Lucy is unimpressed.
You check your inventory
You are carrying:
a yellow keycard
a wallet (open but empty)
a red keycard
a pair of rubber boots
an used piece of tape
a ketchup bottle
pepper
salt
a nuclear-powered flashlight (providing light)
fifty-one dirty dishes
a treasure chest (closed)
a crowbar
a wet mop
a lava lamp
a detergent
a stapler
a cork
a remote control
a pan
a screwdriver
You examine the pan
A pretty big pan without a lid. Its prime use is for cooking, but it also makes a great helmet if you're planning to shoot yourself out of a cannon.
You go to the east
This is a hallway continueing north. You can go back to the junction south.

You can see a sign and a horrifying tentacle monster here.
You examine sign
It says:

Welcome to the holy catacombs used as a last resting place for our great Prime Commander, which doubles as a maze for entertainment purposes in the summer season. Will you be able to find the Commanders" tomb, the souvernir shop or even get out alive? Try out your exploration skills right here!

Dislaimer: Personal and management of the S.S. Blearch Maze are not responsible for potential injury or death caused by the maze. Enter at own risk.
You examine the monster
It looks just like purple blob that sucked your brains out earlier. Only this one seems not agressive and less eager to plant one of his tentacles in your forehead.
You touch the monster
Keep your hands to yourself!
Kiss monster
Keep your mind on the game.

>Keep your mind on the game.
Look around
This is a hallway continueing north. You can go back to the junction south.

You can see a sign and a purple blob here.
You give the red card to the blob
You can't see any such thing.

>The purple blob doesn't seem interested.
You go north
You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
You drop the dish
No good idea. You might never find it back.
You listen
You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.

>You hear nothing unexpected.
You go east
This is a hallway continueing north. You can go back to the junction south.

You can see a sign and a purple blob here.
You examine sign
It says:

Welcome to the holy catacombs used as a last resting place for our great Prime Commander, which doubles as a maze for entertainment purposes in the summer season. Will you be able to find the Commanders" tomb, the souvernir shop or even get out alive? Try out your exploration skills right here!

Dislaimer: Personal and management of the S.S. Blearch Maze are not responsible for potential injury or death caused by the maze. Enter at own risk.
Wait
You jump on the spot, fruitlessly.

>Time passes.
You ask the blob about Maze
Alien: I'm horrible at answering questions, could you please use the talk to command instead?
You talk to the alien
Alien: "oh hello, Mr. Robot. Are you lost as well? I have been dwelling through this maze for four and a half year by now, looking for a way to get back to the 3F Junction. My GPS kept pointing towards this direction, but once here I can't seem to decide wheter to go north or south... Anyway, trying to decide which way to go for 4.5 years has made me pretty thirsty. I would suck someone's brains out for a drink, figuratively speaking of course."
You talk to Alien
Alien: "it's nice talking to you but that doesn't make my thirst go away... That was a hint for you to go get me something drinkable. Helping NPC's in need might advance the plot, you know."
Look around
This is a hallway continueing north. You can go back to the junction south.

You can see a sign and a purple blob here.
You go south
Another junction. There is a red door to the north (Office), a yellow door to the east (Maze) and a blue door to the west. To the south is the escalator door.

There is a button next to the escalator door.
Go north
This room seems to be some kind of office. You have no idea what kind of work they do here though.

The exit is to the south.

The only interesting thing here is a desk with a typewriter and all kinds of paperwork on it.

There is a fuse box on the wall.
You examine the paperwork
(even more uninteresting paperwork)
You're not interested.
You examine the desk
There is a typewriter and a lot of uninteresting paperwork on it. It has a drawer.
You look in the drawer
In the drawer is even more uninteresting paperwork.
You go west
You are in a hexagonal room. There are three doors here to the north (computer room), west (recreation center) and east. There is an escalator to the south.

A star-shaped symbol is drawn above the escalator.

You can also see an escalator button here.

This has to be room where the aliens come to relax. Calm elevator music comes from an invisible speaker. The exit is to the east.

There is a blue sofa in front of a television here. Next to it is a small table.

A small window gives a glance at the stars.

You can also see an air duct (empty) here.
Go southwest
This must be the place where the aliens eat. It's a bit small for a canteen that is supposed to support the whole crew of a spaceship because the only things here are one table and a counter. The complete lack of chairs probably means that the aliens always eat standing.

There are eight coffee cups on the counter and one on the table. They all must've been severely addicted to caffeine here.

There is a yellow door leading to the kitchen to the northeast and a red door to the west.

There is a coolbox behind the counter.

You can also see a vending machine here.

Behind you, the door closes automatically.
You look at the coolbox
The label says: "Please close the coolbox as fast as possible after opening to optimalise the instant cooling effect and avoid freezing to death everyone in the presence of the box."

In the coolbox is a can of grog.
You get the grog
It's frozen to the bottom of the box.
You examine the vending machine
Unfortunately, all grog is sold out. It's still full of prune juice though. Too bad you are all out of quarters.
You go northeast
This has to be the kitchen. It seems they had to cut the budget, the only kitchen equipment here is a cabinet with a microwave on it. And there is a sink with a garden hose for washing the dishes.

There is a yellow door to the southwest.

It smells like laxative here.

You can see an air vent here.

Behind you, the door closes automatically.
You open yellow
That's not something you can open.

The red keycard is warm.
You check what you're carrying
You are carrying:
a red keycard
a yellow keycard
a wallet (open but empty)
a pair of rubber boots
an used piece of tape
a ketchup bottle
pepper
salt
a nuclear-powered flashlight (providing light)
fifty-one dirty dishes
a treasure chest (closed)
a crowbar
a wet mop
a lava lamp
a detergent
a stapler
a cork
a remote control
a pan
a screwdriver
You look at the salt
Salty.
You put the salt in the coolbox
You put salt into the coolbox.
You open the coolbox
You open the coolbox, revealing salt and a can of grog.
You check what you're carrying
You are carrying:
salt
a red keycard
a yellow keycard
a wallet (open but empty)
a pair of rubber boots
an used piece of tape
a ketchup bottle
pepper
a nuclear-powered flashlight (providing light)
fifty-one dirty dishes
a treasure chest (closed)
a crowbar
a wet mop
a lava lamp
a detergent
a stapler
a cork
a remote control
a pan
a screwdriver
You look at the salt
Salty.
You eat the salt
Because you are a robot, you lack the ability to eat. You have got smelling sensors however.
You use the crowbar on vending machine
You smack it with your crowbar, and a can of prune juice falls in the machine's basket. You pick it up.
Go west
Another hexagonal room. To the east is a red door (leading to the canteen) and to the west a yellow door (leading to the dark room). There is an escalator to the south and you can also go north from here.

Next to the escalator door, there is an empty socket.

You can also see a crate (empty) here.
You give the prune juice to the blob
Alien: "is that for me? Thanks!"

The alien grabs the can with one of his tentacle and inspects the bottle, probably checking if the prune juice contains any traces of laxative. He then throws the whole can in the hole in his "belly", after which you hear some strange sounds that could very well come from its digestive system.

Alien: "Ahh, delicious! Hmm... Excuse me, now I've got to powder my olfactory organ. Sorry I'm a bad NPC and haven't got any kind of reward to repay you."

The alien grabs a device from his pock... err... materialises a device from thin air, looks at its display and quickly moves north. How he moves there? Do I have to explain everything? Use your imagination for once! Damn... Also, the alien speaking English is not a plot hole. He just paid attention at alien school.
You go to the north
You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.

You can see a purple blob here.

You can just see the purple blob going northeast.
You go northeast
You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.

You hear a sound coming from the west.
Go west
You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.

There is some nasty purple goo on the ground before the northwestern exit.
Go northwest
You go northwest, carefully walking around the goo.

You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
Smell
Yuck. You think the smell is coming from the east.
You go to the east
It seems you ended up in the toilet. If you can even call it that, since all in this claustrofobical small room is one single urinal and a mirror. Apperently the aliens here don't really care about their privacy, since there isn't even a door here! You can exit to the west.

The purple alien is nowhere to be seen.

On the urinal is a GPS device.
You get GPS
You pick up the device but because of the icky alien tentacle slime it's covered in you - of course - drop it in the urinal. That activated some kind of system that automaticaly flushes it...

D? ja vu.

You hear a strange sound coming from the floor under you.
You examine the mirror
Well, well. You certainly are good looking for a robot. You almost wouldn't even want your old body back. Almost.
Go west
You once again traverse the maze. After walking in a random direction three times you end up back at the entrance.

This is a hallway continueing north. You can go back to the junction south.

You can see a sign here.
You enter the vent
You crawl through the air duct.

This has to be the kitchen. It seems they had to cut the budget, the only kitchen equipment here is a cabinet with a microwave on it. And there is a sink with a garden hose for washing the dishes.

There is a yellow door to the southwest.

It smells like laxative here.

There is a gooey puddle on the floor next to the sink.

The GPS is lying in the puddle, covered with goo.

You can also see an air vent here.
You get GPS
No. Way.

No really, it's covered in that purple slime, you're not going to touch that.

No really, you're not.

Okay, okay. But it's not my fault if touching it kills you...

Taken.
You examine GPS
According to the display, it can't get a signal here. That's logical, since you're not on earth or in the maze it apperantly works in as well.

The GPS device is currently switched on.
Go east
This is a hallway continueing north. You can go back to the junction south.

You can see a sign here.
You go to the north
Suddenly the GPS activates automatically. You follow its directions and end up in the...

It seems you ended up in the toilet. If you can even call it that, since all in this claustrofobical small room is one single urinal and a mirror. Apperently the aliens here don't really care about their privacy, since there isn't even a door here! You can exit to the west.

The purple alien is nowhere to be seen.

Hmm... This wasn't really what you wanted.
You examine GPS
According to the display, it can't get a signal here. That's logical, since you're not on earth or in the maze it apperantly works in as well.

The GPS device is currently switched on.
Go west
Once again you follow the device's instructions untill you find yourself in the...

You have finally found the middle of the maze. It's a small catacomb centered around an important looking coffin in the middle of it. There are exits in all directions.

A giant portrait is hanging above the coffin.

You can see some kind of pedestal next to the coffin.
You look at the portrait
It shows a tentacle monster. Only this one has a crown on his "head" and familiar-looking green hands on the tops of his tentacles.
You examine the coffin
Nice coffin, you wish you had one.
You look at the pedestal
Something is written on it:

WHO READS THIS IS A N00B!!

For a good time: call 0573924512

It seems something is written under all this graffiti, but you can't make out what. Damn vandals.
You use detergent on the pedestal
They say graffiti is the poetry of our time. You disagree.
You look at the pedestal
Something is written on it:

The coffin of the great Prime Commander can only be opened when the great magical key, stolen from a far away planet (filled with a nasty oxygen-atmosphere and lots of dihydrogen monoxide) in the milky way galaxy in the 1970"s, is placed upon this pedestal and lets its beautifull red light fall upon the remains of our Great Leader.

Actually, you liked the graffiti better.
You put the lamp on the pedestal
After placing the lava lamp on the pedestal, you hear a click and the coffin opens slowly. Luckily no mummy is coming out.
You look in the coffin
In the coffin are a blue keycard and a purple dust.
You get the blue Keycard
You pick up the keycard. With this you will probably be able to get your body back, return to earth and kick some supercomputer ass. Alhtough, it's still chapter 2, so there might be some more puzzles left... But you're close! Very, very close.
You examine the purple
Looks like the remains of the Prime Commander. Even he was no match for some laxative.
You go north
You look at the display of your GPS and can just see a "battery low" message before the screen goes blank. Having forgotten where the hell you even came from, you decide to go north.

Dear diary,

I've been wandering around this maze for hours now. I just met that alien guy again and he was so happy with me returning his GPS he gave me this empty logbook and a pen. Anyway, today was quite extraordinary:

You see, I woke up this morning in the spaceship of some kind of intelligent extraterrestial life form. I was locked up in a cell but luckily I used my wits to get one of them to open the door. He tried to attack me but I used my amazing martial arts skills to kick his, and his 500 friends', ass. Unfortunately one of them snuck on me from behind and sucked my brains out. Some kind of evil computer then decided to kill me if I didn't answer its extremely complicated riddle right...

Of course, thanks to my amazing mathematical skills, I did, and after a weird mushroom trip I got my brains planted in this awesome killer robot. This led to an epic fight of me versus an even larger laser-armed gigantic killing machine I easily beat using only a rusty crowbar and a radioactive flashlight.

Oh wait, I think I can see the exit over there. I sometimes have the idea that no matter where I go, I always end up there anyway.

Yours sincerely,

Chapter 3 - Baking a Cake
Maze entrance
This is a hallway continueing north. You can go back to the junction south.

You can see a sign here.
You go south
Another junction. There is a red door to the north (Office), a yellow door to the east (Maze) and a blue door to the west. To the south is the escalator door.

There is a button next to the escalator door.
You unlock the blue door
What do you want to unlock the blue door with?
You open the blue door
You unlock the blue door.
You go to the west
North of you is an important looking door that probably leads to an important room. A terminal is beside it. The exit is to the east.
You examine terminal
It has a slot for a keycard. The display says "Please insert a blue keycard".
You put the blue Keycard in the slot
You insert the blue keycard in the card slot.

Now the display says "Please place your hand or tentacle on the terminal so your identity can be confirmed with a DNA check".
You check your inventory
You are carrying:
a pen
a diary
a blue keycard
salt
a red keycard
a yellow keycard
a wallet (open but empty)
a pair of rubber boots
an used piece of tape
a ketchup bottle
pepper
a nuclear-powered flashlight (providing light)
fifty-one dirty dishes
a treasure chest (closed)
a crowbar
a wet mop
a detergent
a stapler
a cork
a remote control
a pan
a screwdriver
You go east
Another junction. There is a red door to the north (Office), a yellow door to the east (Maze) and a blue door to the west (3F Passage). To the south is the escalator door.

There is a button next to the escalator door.
Go east
Wow, this place is full of bleeping machines, bubbling potions and warnings for explosive compunds. Upon closer inspection you see that most of the stuff here is fake and just used to give the lab a proper atmosphere. The only interesting things are on a table in the center of the room. There is a passage to the north and an exit to the west.

On the table are a pipette, a broken empty flask, a yellow potion, a blue potion, an Agotron (closed) and an electromagnet.

You can also see a washbasin here.
You examine the pipette
You use this to suck up a small amount of a liquid. There is nothing in it.
You examine flask
The label says it is supposed to contain red tetra-X-ide.
You examine the yellow potion
The label says it contains yellow tetra-X-ide.
You examine the blue potion
The label says it contains blue tetra-X-ide.
You examine Agotron
It's an Agotron v 2.0.0.5 (TM). According to the lable time flies 10.000 times as fast in the machine when it's closed. A great way for quickly hatching eggs, you guess.
You examine electromagnet
It looks like a battery-powered electromagnet. It's currently turned off.
You examine the washbasin
This is probably where they throw away chemicals in, you can empty your pipette in this.
Go north
You have no idea what this room was used for, and you really don't care. You're standing in front of a huge window. The exit is south.

Behind the window you can see a dead or at least unconsious human body hanging from a metal wire planted in the top of its head. Wait a second... That is your body!

There is some kind of basket on the other side of the window.

Under the window there are three buttons: a yellow button (with a smiley face on it), a red button (with a skull on it) and a green button (with a dollar sign on it).
You examine the body
Except from the dumb brainless look on your face, you look pretty handsome. Now you only have to find a way to transfer your brain back.
You get the plastic
Looking at it almost makes you throw up.

Taken.
You examine it
Looking at it almost makes you throw up.
You wash it
How are you supposed to do that?
You open the bag
As long as you haven't got a very good reason to do so... no way!
You look in the bag
In the plastic bag is a green severed hand.
You go west
You are in a hexagonal room. There are three doors here to the north (computer room), west (recreation center) and east (laboratory). There is an escalator to the south.

A star-shaped symbol is drawn above the escalator.

You can also see an escalator button here.
You go to the west
North of you is an important looking door that probably leads to an important room. A terminal is beside it. The exit is to the east.
You examine the hand
Yuck.
You put the bag on the terminal
You hear a bleep while the green hand is being scanned.

The display says "Good day, great Prime Commander. Please let a second high ranking officer insert his blue keycard in the card slot. Our excuses for the inconvenience, but this safety regulation is required in case you go insane and do something like go to planet earth, beam yourself down there and blow up this ship".
You examine terminal
The display says "Good day, great Prime Commander. Please let a second high ranking officer insert his blue keycard in the card slot. Our excuses for the inconvenience, but this safety regulation is required in case you go insane and do something like go to planet earth, beam yourself down there and blow up this ship".
You check what you're carrying
You are carrying:
a plastic bag
a green severed hand
a pen
a diary
salt
a red keycard
a yellow keycard
a wallet (open but empty)
a pair of rubber boots
an used piece of tape
a ketchup bottle
pepper
a nuclear-powered flashlight (providing light)
fifty-one dirty dishes
a treasure chest (closed)
a crowbar
a wet mop
a detergent
a stapler
a cork
a remote control
a pan
a screwdriver
You go east
Wait! You forgot your blue keycard. You go back to the terminal and after pressing some random buttons and punching it a few times you manage to reset it and get your keycard back.

Another junction. There is a red door to the north (Office), a yellow door to the east (Maze) and a blue door to the west (3F Passage). To the south is the escalator door.

There is a button next to the escalator door.
Go west
This has to be room where the aliens come to relax. Calm elevator music comes from an invisible speaker. The exit is to the east.

There is a blue sofa in front of a television here. Next to it is a small table.

A small window gives a glance at the stars.

You can also see an air duct (empty) here.
You enter the vent
You crawl through the air duct.

This has to be the kitchen. It seems they had to cut the budget, the only kitchen equipment here is a cabinet with a microwave on it. And there is a sink with a garden hose for washing the dishes.

There is a yellow door to the southwest.

It smells like laxative here.

There is a gooey puddle on the floor next to the sink.

You can also see an air vent here.
You go west
Thanks to the flashlight, you see that this room is pretty boring and empty. You have no idea where they use it for. The exit is to the east.
Go northeast
This has to be the kitchen. It seems they had to cut the budget, the only kitchen equipment here is a cabinet with a microwave on it. And there is a sink with a garden hose for washing the dishes.

There is a yellow door to the southwest.

It smells like laxative here.

There is a gooey puddle on the floor next to the sink.

You can also see an air vent here.

Behind you, the door closes automatically.
You open Agotron
You open the Agotron.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a blue keycard
a plastic bag
a green severed hand
a pen
a diary
salt
a red keycard
a yellow keycard
a wallet (open but empty)
a pair of rubber boots
an used piece of tape
a ketchup bottle
pepper
a nuclear-powered flashlight (providing light)
fifty-one dirty dishes
a treasure chest (closed)
a crowbar
a wet mop
a detergent
a stapler
a cork
a remote control
a pan
a screwdriver
You change the channel to 4
You change the channel to number 4.

Still the same boring arrow, pointing at the air duct.
Go east
Wow, this place is full of bleeping machines, bubbling potions and warnings for explosive compunds. Upon closer inspection you see that most of the stuff here is fake and just used to give the lab a proper atmosphere. The only interesting things are on a table in the center of the room. There is a passage to the north and an exit to the west.

On the table are a pipette, a broken empty flask, a yellow potion, a blue potion, an Agotron (empty) and an electromagnet.

You can also see a washbasin here.
You examine the pipette
You use this to suck up a small amount of a liquid. There is nothing in it.
You use the pipette on the blue potion
You suck up some of the blue potion.
You use the pipette on the yellow potion
You suck up some of the yellow potion.
You look at the pipette
You use this to suck up a small amount of a liquid. There is some green substance in it
Empty pipette
What do you want to empty the pipette in?
You use the pipette on the washbasin
You empty the pipette in the washbasin. In this spaceship you probably don't have to worry much about polluting the enviroment.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a blue keycard
a plastic bag
a green severed hand
a pen
a diary
salt
a red keycard
a yellow keycard
a wallet (open but empty)
a pair of rubber boots
an used piece of tape
a ketchup bottle
pepper
a nuclear-powered flashlight (providing light)
fifty-one dirty dishes
a treasure chest (closed)
a crowbar
a wet mop
a detergent
a stapler
a cork
a remote control
a pan
a screwdriver
You go north
You have no idea what this room was used for, and you really don't care. You're standing in front of a huge window. The exit is south.

Behind the window you can see a dead or at least unconsious human body hanging from a metal wire planted in the top of its head. Wait a second... That is your body!

There is some kind of basket here.

Under the window there are three buttons: a yellow button (with a smiley face on it), a red button (with a skull on it) and a green button (with a dollar sign on it).
You examine the body
Except from the dumb brainless look on your face, you look pretty handsome. Now you only have to find a way to transfer your brain back.
You get the yellow and blue potion
yellow keycard: You already have that.
blue potion: You try to lift the flask, but it is molten to the table.
You get Agotron
That's fixed in place.
Look around
Wow, this place is full of bleeping machines, bubbling potions and warnings for explosive compunds. Upon closer inspection you see that most of the stuff here is fake and just used to give the lab a proper atmosphere. The only interesting things are on a table in the center of the room. There is a passage to the north and an exit to the west.

On the table are a broken empty flask, a yellow potion, a blue potion and an Agotron (empty).

You can also see a washbasin here.
You get the empty flask
What use could this thing possibly have?
You examine the puddle
It's still gross.
You use the pipette on the wine
You suck up some of the wine.
You look at the pipette
You use this to suck up a small amount of a liquid. There is some brown substance in it
Go west
You are in a hexagonal room. There are three doors here to the north (computer room), west (recreation center) and east (laboratory). There is an escalator to the south.

A star-shaped symbol is drawn above the escalator.

You can also see an escalator button here.

This has to be room where the aliens come to relax. Calm elevator music comes from an invisible speaker. The exit is to the east.

There is a blue sofa in front of a television here. Next to it is a small table.

A small window gives a glance at the stars.

You can also see an air duct (empty) here.
You examine the pipette
You use this to suck up a small amount of a liquid. There is some red wine in it
Inventory
You are carrying:
an electromagnet
a pipette (red wine)
a blue keycard
a plastic bag
a green severed hand
a pen
a diary
salt
a red keycard
a yellow keycard
a wallet (open but empty)
a pair of rubber boots
an used piece of tape
a ketchup bottle
pepper
a nuclear-powered flashlight (providing light)
fifty-one dirty dishes
a treasure chest (closed)
a crowbar
a wet mop
a detergent
a stapler
a cork
a remote control
a pan
a screwdriver
You put the bag in Agotron
You put the plastic bag into the Agotron.
Close Agotron
You close the Agotron.
You open Agotron
You open the Agotron, revealing a plastic bag.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a plastic bag
a green severed hand
an electromagnet
a pipette (red wine)
a blue keycard
a pen
a diary
salt
a red keycard
a yellow keycard
a wallet (open but empty)
a pair of rubber boots
an used piece of tape
a ketchup bottle
pepper
a nuclear-powered flashlight (providing light)
fifty-one dirty dishes
a treasure chest (closed)
a crowbar
a wet mop
a detergent
a stapler
a cork
a remote control
a pan
a screwdriver
You examine the ketchup
Damn! It's empty. Not that you would be able to eat it as a robot, but if you would get in a situation where you'd have to fake your own dead kethcup would make that much easier.
You look at pepper
Piper nigrum. Or just black pepper, my favorite kind of pepper.
You examine the dishes
It's a porcelain dish with traces of laxative on it.
You put dishes in Agotron
You put the dirty dish into the Agotron.
Close Agotron
You close the Agotron.
You open Agotron
You open the Agotron, revealing a dirty dish.
You get the dish
(the dirty dish)
Taken.
You examine the dish
It's a porcelain dish with traces of laxative on it.
You check your inventory
You are carrying:
fifty-one dirty dishes
a plastic bag
a green severed hand
an electromagnet
a pipette (red wine)
a blue keycard
a pen
a diary
salt
a red keycard
a yellow keycard
a wallet (open but empty)
a pair of rubber boots
an used piece of tape
a ketchup bottle
pepper
a nuclear-powered flashlight (providing light)
a treasure chest (closed)
a crowbar
a wet mop
a detergent
a stapler
a cork
a remote control
a pan
a screwdriver
You look at the flashlight
According to the label it is incompatible with regular AA batteries, but it has got a build-in nuclear reactor that can somehow extract energy from everything emitting radioactive radiation.

The nuclear-powered flashlight is currently switched on.
You put the pipette in Agotron
You put the pipette (red wine) into the Agotron.
You open Agotron
You open the Agotron, revealing a pipette (red wine).
You look at what you're carrying with you
You are carrying:
a pipette (red wine)
fifty-one dirty dishes
a plastic bag
a green severed hand
an electromagnet
a blue keycard
a pen
a diary
salt
a red keycard
a yellow keycard
a wallet (open but empty)
a pair of rubber boots (being worn)
an used piece of tape
a ketchup bottle
pepper
a nuclear-powered flashlight (providing light)
a treasure chest (closed)
a crowbar
a wet mop
a detergent
a stapler
a cork
a remote control
a pan
a screwdriver
You examine electromagnet
It looks like a battery-powered electromagnet. It's currently turned off.
You turn it on
Suddenly your blue keycard flies out of your pocket and is now stuck on the magnet. It seems the keycard is only thing on which the electromagnet is effective.

You switch off the electromagnet and put the blue keycard in your pocket.
Go south
*squeek* *squeek*

Another junction. There is a red door to the north (Office), a yellow door to the east (Maze) and a blue door to the west (3F Passage). To the south is the escalator door.

There is a button next to the escalator door.
You check your inventory
*squeek* *squeek*

North of you is an important looking door that probably leads to an important room. A terminal is beside it. The exit is to the east.

>You are carrying:
a blue keycard
a pipette (red wine)
fifty-one dirty dishes
a plastic bag
a green severed hand
an electromagnet
a pen
a diary
salt
a red keycard
a yellow keycard
a wallet (open but empty)
a pair of rubber boots (being worn)
an used piece of tape
a ketchup bottle
pepper
a nuclear-powered flashlight (providing light)
a treasure chest (closed)
a crowbar
a wet mop
a detergent
a stapler
a cork
a remote control
a pan
a screwdriver
You put the Keycard in the slot
Which do you mean, the blue keycard, the red keycard or the yellow keycard?
Blue
You insert the blue keycard in the card slot.

Now the display says "Please place your hand or tentacle on the terminal so your identity can be confirmed with a DNA check".
You turn on the electromagnet
With the magnet, you easily draw the keycard out of the card slot.

You switch off the electromagnet and put the blue keycard in your pocket.
You put the blue Keycard in the slot
You insert the blue keycard in the card slot again.

Now the display says "Please let the secondary officer place his tentacle upon this terminal.".
You put the bag on the terminal
You hear a bleep while the green hand is being scanned.

The display says "Error, the Prime Commander has already been identified. Please place the tentacle of a second officer on the terminal".
You go to the east
Wait! You forgot your blue keycard. You go back to the terminal and after pressing some random buttons and punching it a few times you manage to reset it and get your keycard back.

*squeek* *squeek*

Another junction. There is a red door to the north (Office), a yellow door to the east (Maze) and a blue door to the west (3F Passage). To the south is the escalator door.

There is a button next to the escalator door.
Go east
*squeek* *squeek*

This is a hallway continueing north. You can go back to the junction south.

You can see a sign here.
You go to the north
*squeek* *squeek*

You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
You go west
*squeek* *squeek*

North of you is an important looking door that probably leads to an important room. A terminal is beside it. The exit is to the east.
You examine diary
You never like reading your own diary. That just feels weird and ashaming.
Go south
*squeek* *squeek*

You can see a keypad here.

The door closes.
You go west
*squeek* *squeek*

This has to be room where the aliens come to relax. Calm elevator music comes from an invisible speaker. The exit is to the east.

There is a blue sofa in front of a television here. Next to it is a small table.

A small window gives a glance at the stars.

You can also see an air duct (empty) here.
You get the puddle
No.
You use the pipette on the puddle
You suck up some of the blue potion.
You examine the pipette
You use this to suck up a small amount of a liquid. There is some red wine in it
Inventory
You are carrying:
a blue keycard
a pipette (red wine)
fifty-one dirty dishes
a plastic bag
a green severed hand
an electromagnet
a pen
a diary
salt
a red keycard
a yellow keycard
a wallet (open but empty)
a pair of rubber boots (being worn)
an used piece of tape
a ketchup bottle
pepper
a nuclear-powered flashlight (providing light)
a treasure chest (closed)
a crowbar
a wet mop
a detergent
a stapler
a cork
a remote control
a pan
a screwdriver
You go east
You are in a hexagonal room. There are three doors here to the north (computer room), west (recreation center) and east (laboratory). There is an escalator to the south.

A star-shaped symbol is drawn above the escalator.

You can also see an escalator button here.

>*squeek* *squeek*

Wow, this place is full of bleeping machines, bubbling potions and warnings for explosive compunds. Upon closer inspection you see that most of the stuff here is fake and just used to give the lab a proper atmosphere. The only interesting things are on a table in the center of the room. There is a passage to the north and an exit to the west.

On the table are a broken empty flask, a yellow potion, a blue potion and an Agotron (empty).

You can also see a washbasin here.
You use the pipette on the washbasin
You empty the pipette in the washbasin. In this spaceship you probably don't have to worry much about polluting the enviroment.
Go west
*squeek* *squeek*

You are in a hexagonal room. There are three doors here to the north (computer room), west (recreation center) and east (laboratory). There is an escalator to the south.

A star-shaped symbol is drawn above the escalator.

You can also see an escalator button here.

>*squeek* *squeek*

This has to be room where the aliens come to relax. Calm elevator music comes from an invisible speaker. The exit is to the east.

There is a blue sofa in front of a television here. Next to it is a small table.

A small window gives a glance at the stars.

You can also see an air duct (empty) here.
You examine pipette
You use this to suck up a small amount of a liquid. There is some purple substance in it
You go to the southwest
*squeek* *squeek*

You walk and suddenly feel a sudden sensation of pain. The reason of this might be that there is a closed door in your path and you just blindly walked against it. You should remember that, the next time you go through a door, you should open it first.
You go to the east
*squeek* *squeek*

You are in a hexagonal room. There are three doors here to the north (computer room), west (recreation center) and east (laboratory). There is an escalator to the south.

A star-shaped symbol is drawn above the escalator.

You can also see an escalator button here.
You look at the door
Which do you mean, the blue door or the important looking door?
You examine terminal
Now the display says "Please place your hand or tentacle on the terminal so your identity can be confirmed with a DNA check".
You put the bag on the terminal
You hear a bleep while the green hand is being scanned.

The display says "Good day, great Prime Commander. Please let a second high ranking officer insert his blue keycard in the card slot. Our excuses for the inconvenience, but this safety regulation is required in case you go insane and do something like go to planet earth, beam yourself down there and blow up this ship".
You turn on the electromagnet
With the magnet, you easily draw the keycard out of the card slot.

You switch off the electromagnet and put the blue keycard in your pocket.
You put the pipette on the terminal
You put the pipette (purple substance) on the terminal.
You go to the east
Wait! You forgot your blue keycard. You go back to the terminal and after pressing some random buttons and punching it a few times you manage to reset it and get your keycard back.

*squeek* *squeek*

Another junction. There is a red door to the north (Office), a yellow door to the east (Maze) and a blue door to the west (3F Passage). To the south is the escalator door.

There is a button next to the escalator door.
You look at tape
Nasty, there is alien tentacle hair stuck on it.
Go west
North of you is an important looking door that probably leads to an important room. A terminal is beside it. The exit is to the east.

On the terminal is a pipette (purple substance).
You turn on the electromagnet
You insert the blue keycard in the card slot.

Now the display says "Please place your hand or tentacle on the terminal so your identity can be confirmed with a DNA check".

You hear a bleep while the green hand is being scanned.

The display says "Good day, great Prime Commander. Please let a second high ranking officer insert his blue keycard in the card slot. Our excuses for the inconvenience, but this safety regulation is required in case you go insane and do something like go to planet earth, beam yourself down there and blow up this ship".

With the magnet, you easily draw the keycard out of the card slot.

You switch off the electromagnet and put the blue keycard in your pocket.
You put the tape on the terminal
You insert the blue keycard in the card slot again.

Now the display says "Please let the secondary officer place his tentacle upon this terminal.".

You hear a bleep while the tentacle hair on the used duct tape is being scanned.

Voice: Good morning, great and almighty Prime Commander and Mr. Ghrluck Coiibuk. Please enjoy your time in the cockpit.

The door opens.
You go north
Wait! You forgot your blue keycard. You go back to the terminal and after pressing some random buttons and punching it a few times you manage to reset it and get your keycard back.

You are now in the ship's cockpit. There is a nice big window here with a great view on the galaxy. After admiring it for a few seconds you grow bored and look around in the cockpit. There are no chairs here but all kinds of incredibly complicated instruments. Instead of doing anything with those you simply decide to use the board computer with a seemingly simple interface.

Welcome to the S.S. Blearch navigational system network HARRY v.2.0.0.7, which is not in any way connected to main computer 'Lucy'. You have been automatically logged in as mrawes0me4753 and have acces to all functions.

CPU id: HARRY|Status: OK|version mumber: 2.0.0.7

Please select one of the following options:

1. Travel to destination
2. Set new destination
3. Check ship status
4. E-mail
5. Miscellaneous options
6. Shut down
4
:\>
E-mail
1. Inbox (2)

2. Send messages (1)

3. Spam (1)

4. Return to main menu
3
:\>Message 1

From: <unknown>
To: primecommander@ssblearch.gax
Subject: the cake is a lie



1. Inbox (2)

2. Send messages (1)

3. Spam (1)

4. Return to main menu
2
:\>Message 1

From: primecommander@ssblearch.gax
To: subscriptions@dgriorgomagazines.gax
Subject: Subscription cancelation

Dear editorial staff,

Recently, my spies infiltrating the earthly country of Luxembourg have discovered some alarming intel regarding the military strenght of an organisation that calls itself the Luxembourgian Liberation Front: they are easily capable to defeat the whole galactic allience and Great Galactic Army and eventually even take over the universe. In order to stop this huge thread, we Brukgh?rhcs have decided to destroy the universe, so Luxembourg can't conquer it.
Before we blow up all of existance however, I would like to cancel my subscription of the magazine "Gardening on Terraformed Exoplanets", because I will no longer be able to pay for it when we're all dead.

Yours sincerely,
The Prime Commander of the Brukgh?rhcs


1. Inbox (2)

2. Send messages (1)

3. Spam (1)

4. Return to main menu
1
:\>Message 1

From: bob0222@llf.lux
To: primecommander@ssblearch.gax
Subject: Weapon shipments

Prime Commander, the Luxembourgian Liberation Front is currently still waiting for the promised weapon shipments we were supposed to receive in exchange for a decoder that will let you watch our great national television. Some of us are even questioning your loyalty to our holy cause to take over planet Earth and give our glorious nation the power it deserves! Please respond as quickly as possible, so we will not have to declare war on your pathetic alien race.

Viva la r?volution!

From: noreply@dgriorgomagazines.gax
To: primecommander@ssblearch.gax
Subject: Re: Subscription cancelation

Dear customer,

Your request regarding the cacelation of your subscription of the magazine "Gardening on Terraformed Exoplanets" has been received and will be processed in two Hiyucluckian days. Please refrain from destroying the universe before then.

Yours sincerely,



1. Inbox (2)

2. Send messages (1)

3. Spam (1)

4. Return to main menu
4
:\>
Main menu
CPU id: HARRY|Status: OK|version mumber: 2.0.0.7

Please select one of the following options:

1. Travel to destination
2. Set new destination
3. Check ship status
4. E-mail
5. Miscellaneous options
6. Shut down
3
:\>Now performing a full ship status check. This may take a few hours or a few miliseconds, I have no idea.

Checking............

Warp speed module status: OK

Navigational pathfinding systems status: OK

Popcorn machine status: OK

Fuel level: 0%
ERROR: please refill fuel tank.

Ship hull status: ERROR
A perforation in the ship's hull is detected in the fuel tank. Please repair this.

Additional systems status: OK
:\>I beg your pardon?
5
:\>
Miscellaneous options
1. Honk
2. Activate windshield wipers
3. Open/close fuel tank
4. Return to main menu
1
:\>The horn has been activated.

You don't hear anything. This probably has something to do with the fact that there is no sound in space. What idiot thought of putting a horn on a space ship anyway?!

1. Honk
2. Activate windshield wipers
3. Open/close fuel tank
4. Return to main menu
2
:\>Sensors indicate that it currently is not raining. Therefore the initiated windshield wiping alogrithm has been terminated.

One of the major advantages of space: it never rains.

1. Honk
2. Activate windshield wipers
3. Open/close fuel tank
4. Return to main menu
3
:\>The fuel tank has been opened. It can be entered through the enigne room.
2
:\>
Set a destination
Please enter the name of a planet to be the next destination of the S.S. Blearch or enter 0 to exit.
Earth
:\>New destination: Earth
Solar system ID: 19746435x1
Location: Milky Way galaxy
Atmosphere: Oxygen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide and cow farts
Inhabited: yes
Average life form IQ: extremely low
Main menu
CPU id: HARRY|Status: OK|version mumber: 2.0.0.7

Please select one of the following options:

1. Travel to destination
2. Set new destination
3. Check ship status
4. E-mail
5. Miscellaneous options
6. Shut down
1
:\>ERROR: Can not start engines. Please perform a ship status check to find the source of the problem.
6
:\>Thank you for using HARRY 2.0.0.7. We wish you a good day.

North of you is an important looking door that probably leads to an important room. A terminal is beside it. The exit is to the east.
You go east
Another junction. There is a red door to the north (Office), a yellow door to the east (Maze) and a blue door to the west (3F Passage). To the south is the escalator door.

There is a button next to the escalator door.
You go east
This place is pretty empty.

The exit is west.

There is a small hole in the wall.
You examine the hole
You look in the hole and only see the vacuum of space, which is slowly sucking all air out of the fuel tank. The hole has a diameter of about two centimeters. If you only had something to fill up this hole...
You put the cork in the hole
Fixed.
Go west
There are all kinds of pipes, gears, pumps, lights and strange machines around you. They must be powering the ship. You wouldn't expect the engine of a space ship to look like this, it's more steam- than cyberpunk. A walkway continues to the west.

The escalator is to the south.

There is a huge portal to the east.

There is a button next to the escalator door.

You can also see a cleaning cart here.
You ask Lucy about fuel
Lucy: Hmm, let's look that up in the Lucyclopedia:

Cake: the most powerfull type of rocket fuel known. Velocities higher than 1.5 WS (Warp Speed) can only be reached with this. The creation of a cake is a highly sophisticated process that requires many very rare natural (and unnatural) rescources.

See also: cake recipe - warp speed
You ask Lucy about the cake recipe
Lucy: Hmm, let's look that up in the Lucyclopedia:

Cake recipe: there are only very few beings in existence that know about this extremely well-kept secret. These beings include the host of the tv show 'Cooking on Bgryurgti?rk' and the few people that actually watch that boring crap.

See also: cake
You change the channel to 2
You change the channel to number 2.

It's some kind of alien cooking show:

"Hello ladies, gentleman and creatures without or with two genders. Welcome to cooking on Bgryurgti?rk, where we somehow speak English. Today we are going to bake a cake. The required ingredients for this..."

You quickly rip out a page out of your diary and write down the recipe:

How to make a cake:

Ingredients:
-Porcelain
-A drop of red wine
-Some orange tetra-x-ide
-Some detergent
-Iron oxide
-A few alien hairs
-Rubber
-A piece of lead
-The bone of a homo sapiens
-Some salt and pepper
-51 grams of laxative

-Put everything in a pan and stir.
-Microwave for 10 minutes (or 3 seconds with laser enabled super microwaves) and it's done.

WARNING: Do not, under any condition, add any additional water.

You wonder wheter your grandma made them this way as well.
You put the flashlight in Agotron
You put the nuclear-powered flashlight into the Agotron.
You open Agotron
You open the Agotron, revealing a nuclear-powered flashlight.
You look at the flashlight
According to the label it is incompatible with regular AA batteries, but it has got a build-in nuclear reactor that can somehow extract energy from everything emitting radioactive radiation.

The nuclear-powered flashlight is currently switched on.
You open flashlight
You remove the polonium from the flashlight.
You put it in Agotron
You put Polonium-210 into the Agotron.
Close Agotron
You close the Agotron.
You open Agotron
You open the Agotron, revealing a piece of lead.
You look at the basket
In the basket is a ham.
You examine the ham
Holy. Crap.
You enter the vent
You crawl through the air duct.

This has to be the kitchen. It seems they had to cut the budget, the only kitchen equipment here is a cabinet with a microwave on it. And there is a sink with a garden hose for washing the dishes.

There is a yellow door to the southwest.

It smells like laxative here.

There is a gooey puddle on the floor next to the sink.

You can also see an air vent here.

Behind you, the door closes automatically.
You examine the pipette
You use this to suck up a small amount of a liquid. There is some orange substance in it
You use the pipette on the pan
You better put the pan down somewhere first.
You look at your surroundings
This must be the place where the aliens eat. It's a bit small for a canteen that is supposed to support the whole crew of a spaceship because the only things here are one table and a counter. The complete lack of chairs probably means that the aliens always eat standing.

There are eight coffee cups on the counter and one on the table. They all must've been severely addicted to caffeine here.

There is a yellow door leading to the kitchen to the northeast and a red door to the west.

There is a coolbox behind the counter.

You can also see a pan and a vending machine here.
You put the ham in Agotron
You put the ham into the Agotron.
Close Agotron
You close the Agotron.
You open Agotron
After opening the agotron you immediately reek the smell of rotting meat and see a bunch of maggots still enjoying their meal. You quickly close the agotron.
You open Agotron
You open the Agotron, revealing a bone.
You examine the bone
This is all that's left of your body...
You go to the south-west
This must be the place where the aliens eat. It's a bit small for a canteen that is supposed to support the whole crew of a spaceship because the only things here are one table and a counter. The complete lack of chairs probably means that the aliens always eat standing.

There are eight coffee cups on the counter and one on the table. They all must've been severely addicted to caffeine here.

There is a yellow door leading to the kitchen to the northeast and a red door to the west.

There is a coolbox behind the counter.

You can also see a pan and a vending machine here.

Behind you, the door closes automatically.
You check what you're carrying
You are carrying:
a bone
a piece of lead
a nuclear-powered flashlight
a cake recipe
a blue keycard
a pipette (orange substance)
fifty-one dirty dishes
a plastic bag
a green severed hand
an electromagnet
a pen
a diary
salt
a red keycard
a yellow keycard
a wallet (open but empty)
a pair of rubber boots
an used piece of tape
a ketchup bottle
pepper
a treasure chest (closed)
a crowbar
a wet mop
a detergent
a stapler
a remote control
a screwdriver
You check what you're carrying
You are carrying:
a piece of lead
a nuclear-powered flashlight
a cake recipe
a blue keycard
a pipette (purple substance)
fifty-one dirty dishes
a plastic bag
a green severed hand
an electromagnet
a pen
a diary
salt
a red keycard
a yellow keycard
a wallet (open but empty)
a pair of rubber boots
an used piece of tape
a ketchup bottle
pepper
a treasure chest (closed)
a crowbar
a wet mop
a detergent
a stapler
a remote control
a pan
a screwdriver
You put the crowbar in the pan
Iron oxide, in other words rust, is on the list. Still, you doubt this crowbar is rusty enough, and it will probably take a lot of time before that is the case.
You put the crowbar in Agotron
You put the crowbar into the Agotron.
You open Agotron
Al that's left of the crowbar is a pile of dust.

You open the Agotron, revealing a pile of rust.
You put the rust in the pan
You add the rust to the mixture. You will miss that poor rusty crowbar.
You put detergent in pan
You throw in all of the detergent. Damn, you really don't want to eat that cake.
You put the tape in the pan
You scrape off the icky alien hairs from the tape and add them to the mixture. You also throw the now completely useless piece of tape away.
You examine the pan
A pretty big pan without a lid. Its prime use is for cooking, but it also makes a great helmet if you're planning to shoot yourself out of a cannon.

There are some cake ingredients in it.
You put the lead in the pan
Added.
You put the bone in the pan
No way, you might still need that bone to rescurrect yourself with some kind of strange voodoo ritual.

...on the other hand, having to face a zombiefied version of yourself is not a very attractive prospect. You'll add the bone anyway.
You put the salt in the pan
You add some salt, after which it magically disappears from your inventory.
You put the pepper in the pan
Even though it will proably ruin the cake's taste, you'll add it anyway.
You use the pipette on the pan
You empty the pipette in the pan. You hope the fact that the orange tetra-x-ide is distilled with wine won't result in an explosion later.
You use the pipette on the wine
You suck up some of the wine.
You use the pipette on the pan
You add one drop of wine to the mixture in the pan.
You put the pan in microwave
You put the pan into the microwave.
You drop an
What do you want to drop the dirty dish at?
You put the dish in the pan
On average, there is about one gram of laxative on every dish. So you'll add 51 dirty dishes to the mixture.

Well, you added all ingredients and now you've got a pan full of garbage. According to the recipe you'll now have to stir this with something.
You check what you're carrying
You are carrying:
a pan
a dirty dish
a nuclear-powered flashlight
a cake recipe
a blue keycard
a pipette (red wine)
a plastic bag
a green severed hand
an electromagnet
a pen
a diary
a red keycard
a yellow keycard
a wallet (open but empty)
a ketchup bottle
a treasure chest (closed)
a wet mop
a stapler
a remote control
a screwdriver
You use the mop on the pan
You can stir the mixture with this. The only problem is that the mop is still wet and you're not supposed to add any extra water. Maybe you need to somehow dry the mop first...

Ah well, it probably won't matter. You put the other end of the mop in the pan and...
You look around
The passage continues to a room to the north. To the south is a junction.

A lethal high voltage is running through the floor to the north.
You put the mop in microwave
You put the wet mop into the microwave.
You put the mop in Agotron
You put the wet mop into the Agotron.
You open Agotron
You open the Agotron, revealing a mop.
You use the mop on the pan
You stir the stuff in the pan. It still lookes like a pile of random garbage though... Anyway, time for the last step.
You turn it on
You close the microwave.

After turning on the microwave the pan starts emitting a stange and dangerous looking glow. Suddenly the microwave window cracks and you duck to take cover. Just in time, because an explosion causes the microwave to shatter in many pieces. When you stand up the microwave is no more, in its place is a huge birthday cake with cream, strawberries and even little candles. What an odd kind of rocket fuel.
You look at the cake
A lovely cream-cake. If you weren't a robot and didn't know how these things are made you would definately eat it.
You eat the cake
You'd almost want to.
You drop the cake
You place the cake in the middle of the tank. You hope this will work
You go north
You are now in the ship's cockpit. There is a nice big window here with a great view on the galaxy. After admiring it for a few seconds you grow bored and look around in the cockpit. There are no chairs here but all kinds of incredibly complicated instruments. Instead of doing anything with those you simply decide to use the board computer with a seemingly simple interface.

Welcome to the S.S. Blearch navigational system network HARRY v.2.0.0.7, which is not in any way connected to main computer 'Lucy'. You have been automatically logged in as mrawes0me4753 and have acces to all functions.

CPU id: HARRY|Status: OK|version mumber: 2.0.0.7

Please select one of the following options:

1. Travel to destination
2. Set new destination
3. Check ship status
4. E-mail
5. Miscellaneous options
6. Shut down
1
:\>ERROR: Can not start engines. Please perform a ship status check to find the source of the problem.
3
:\>The fuel tank has been closed.
1
:\>All systems are reasy to embark on a voyage to Milky Way galaxy, planet Earth. Estimated travel time: 2 hours. Please inform all passengers to fasten their seat belts and press the space bar to go.

Immediately after you press the space bar, the screen goes blank. A few seconds later all lights go out as well.

This doesn't look very good...

It is now pitch dark in here!

It is pitch dark, and you can't see a thing.
You look
:\>Darkness
It is pitch dark, and you can't see a thing.
You think
What a good idea.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a mop
a dirty dish
a nuclear-powered flashlight
a blue keycard
a pipette (red wine)
a plastic bag
a green severed hand
an electromagnet
a pen
a diary
a red keycard
a yellow keycard
a wallet (open but empty)
a ketchup bottle
a treasure chest (closed)
a stapler
a remote control
a screwdriver
You go east
Time passes.

>You can't go that way.
You go south
It doesn't work. The flashlight is probably out of nuclear energy.

>Ouch, you just bumped against a closed escalator door.
You go east
This is a hallway continueing north. You can go back to the junction south.

You can see a lantern (providing light), a purple blob and a sign here.
You get the lantern
Alien: "Please don't touch the lantern. I still need it.
You talk to Alien
Alien: "Hey, it's you again! You're still up late. Anyway, do you happen to have some food with you? I'm getting quite hungry and because the lights are out I can't just live off photosynthesis anymore. Have you got anything to eat?"
You give the dish to Alien
Alien: "Is that all? What happened to the generous soda giving you? No, no. Don't take it back. I'll eat it already."

The blob uses the hole in his body to swallow the whole plate.

Alien: "Hmm, this tastes odd. It's a bit like... Ugh, AAAARGHH!!"

In a few seconds, nothing is left of the alien. You truly are an awfull sadistic murderer.
Go south
Ouch, you just bumped against a closed escalator door.
You open the fuse box
You open the fuse box and pull the single lever in it. A few seconds later all lights go on again.
You go south
Suddenly the door behind you closes. You see that the two other doors here are suddenly closed as well, but the escalator door is open.

Lucy: I think the two of us need to have a word. Please come to the computer room... NOW!

If this game wasn't text-based, this would be the moment omnious music would start playing.
You go north
You are in a long corridor that continues to the south. North of you is the door back to the computer room.

You can see a map of the galaxy here.
Go north
The door behind you closes immediately.

Lucy: Research subject 848930 and main advisor of the Prime Commander, you have neglected your duties. You also have comitted several crimes: including trespassing in forbidden areas, murder, grave robbing, reading confidential material, indentity theft, disturbance of a Grue, refusal to follow orders to destroy the universe and cooking in a non-hygienic enviroment. You will hereby be immediately executed.

Suddenly a robot arm appears and aims a gun right in your face.

Lucy: This is your final opportunity to press the red button and activate the Universe Destroyer Gun 3000. Because next turn I will blow your brains out.
You wait for a while
Time passes.

Lucy: Idiot.

Bang!
You get Gun
It's just out of reach. If your arms were half a meter longer you could have punched it out of the robot hand.

Lucy: Idiot.

Bang!
You use the mop on Gun
You use the mop to sweep the gun out of the arm's hand, after which it falls on the floor. Ha ha! 1-0 for you.

Lucy: Damn you!

The robot arm quickly retracts and immediately returns with a laser gun.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a lantern (providing light)
a mop
a dirty dish
a nuclear-powered flashlight
a blue keycard
a pipette (red wine)
a plastic bag
a green severed hand
an electromagnet
a pen
a diary
a red keycard
a yellow keycard
a wallet (open but empty)
a ketchup bottle
a treasure chest (closed)
a stapler
a remote control
a screwdriver

Lucy fires.
You use mop on laser gun
You try this again, but this time the arm dodges the mop.

Lucy: Did you really thought I was going to fall for this? What are you going to do next? Saying there is a three-headed monkey behind me?
Lucy fires.
You turn on the magnet
Good thinking. Unfortunately this magnet only works on blue keycards.

Lucy fires.
You use the remote control on Gun
(the gun)
You can't use these things together.

Lucy fires.
You look at yellow Keycard
Lucy fires but hits your yellow keycard, which reflects the laser beam to the gun, causing it to explode.

Lucy: Okay, now it's time for the real stuff.

Lucy's arm pulls out a giant rocket launcher from somewhere and locks on on you.
You use the remote control
What do you want to use the remote control with?
Rocket
You can't use these things together.

The rocket launcher fires a homing missle at you.
You use the remote control on the missle
You can't use these things together.

BWAMM!!
You examine the missle
The last thing you should do when a homing missle is coming after you is stand still and examine it.

BWAMM!!
You go south
You can't go that way.

BWAMM!!
You jump
What do you want to use the electromagnet with?

>You jump on the spot, fruitlessly.

BWAMM!!
You throw mop at the missle
Futile.

BWAMM!!
You check your inventory
You are carrying:
a lantern (providing light)
a mop
a dirty dish
a nuclear-powered flashlight
a blue keycard
a pipette (red wine)
a plastic bag
a green severed hand
an electromagnet
a pen
a diary
a red keycard
a yellow keycard
a wallet (open but empty)
a ketchup bottle
a treasure chest (closed)
a stapler
a remote control
a screwdriver

BWAMM!!
You examine Lucy
A computer trying to kill you is quite an unique experience, usually it's vise-versa.

BWAMM!!
Open chest
You open the chest, but the only things inside are a crowbar and a message scratched in the bottom of the chest.

BWAMM!!
Look around
A (pretty slow) missle is coming towards you.

A robot arm is pointing a freaking rocket launcher at you.

You can also see a gun here.

BWAMM!!
You get Gun
Taken.

BWAMM!!
You examine the arm
It's elbow is red and it glows. This can mean only one thing...

BWAMM!!
You run
You'll have to say which compass direction to go in.

BWAMM!!
Look around
A robot arm is pointing a freaking rocket launcher at you.

You can also see a gun here.

The rocket launcher fires a homing missle at you.
You get Gun
Taken.

The rocket launcher fires a homing missle at you.
You shoot the missle
You fire at the missle.

You shoot the missle, causing it to explode in mid-air.

Lucy: You little annoying twat really should stop doing physically impossible stuff like that. Now you leave me no choice... This is going to get messy.

Lucy throws away the rocket launcher and grabs a big chainsaw that is covered in blood. Pretty intimidating.
You use the ketchup on the chainsaw
You can't use these things together.

The chainsaw horizontally saws your robot body and brains in two.
You jump
You jump on the spot, fruitlessly.

The chainsaw horizontally saws your robot body and brains in two.
You check your inventory
You are carrying:
a gun
a lantern (providing light)
a mop
a dirty dish
a nuclear-powered flashlight
a blue keycard
a pipette (red wine)
a plastic bag
a green severed hand
an electromagnet
a pen
a diary
a red keycard
a yellow keycard
a wallet (open but empty)
a ketchup bottle
a treasure chest (closed)
a stapler
a remote control
a screwdriver

The chainsaw horizontally saws your robot body and brains in two.
You throw the chest at the chainsaw
Futile.

The chainsaw horizontally saws your robot body and brains in two.
You examine the chainsaw
You can't think of anything to do except scream in terror.

The chainsaw horizontally saws your robot body and brains in two.
You turn on the magnet
Good thinking. Unfortunately this magnet only works on blue keycards.

The chainsaw horizontally saws your robot body and brains in two.
You open the bag
As long as you haven't got a very good reason to do so... no way!

The chainsaw horizontally saws your robot body and brains in two.
Go south
You can't go that way.

The chainsaw horizontally saws your robot body and brains in two.
You get the chainsaw
That's hardly portable.

The chainsaw horizontally saws your robot body and brains in two.
You hit the chainsaw
Violence isn't the answer to this one.

The chainsaw horizontally saws your robot body and brains in two.
You look
A robot arm is coming towards you with a huge bloody chainsaw.

The chainsaw horizontally saws your robot body and brains in two.
You examine the arm
It's elbow is red and it glows. This can mean only one thing...

The chainsaw horizontally saws your robot body and brains in two.
You hit the arm
You punch the arm, but it doesn't seem to have any effect.

The chainsaw horizontally saws your robot body and brains in two.
You shoot the arm
You fire at the robot arm.

You shoot the arm but it isn't very effective.

The chainsaw horizontally saws your robot body and brains in two.
You wait
Time passes.

The chainsaw horizontally saws your robot body and brains in two.
You shoot chainsaw
You fire at the chainsaw.

You shoot the spinning chainsaw but it slices the bullet in half.

The chainsaw horizontally saws your robot body and brains in two.
You shoot lucy
You fire at Lucy.

You don't think you can take out a giant computer with one shot.

The chainsaw horizontally saws your robot body and brains in two.
You shoot the elbow
You fire at the elbow.

You shoot the obvious weak spot on the robot arm. This causes the upper arm to spin once and then it uses the chainsaw to slice of your head.

*** You have been decapitated. ***

This is of little consequence, however. Since you can just... Wait a second. You're still alive!

Computer Room (Northwestern corner)
Your head lies upside down in a corner of the room, from there you can see that Lucy's robot arm, now wearing a boxing glove, is beating up the rest of your body.
You check your inventory
You are carrying nothing.

Lucy spots your head in the corner and smacks it across the room.

Computer Room (Southeastern corner)
Now your head lies right next to some electrical wiring.

Sparks come from the end of a loose wire.
You eat the wire
(first taking the loose wire)
You pick up the loose wire with your mouth.

You already have that.

You have got the loose end of a (pretty long) wire in your mouth.
You pull the wire
Nothing obvious happens.

You have got the loose end of a (pretty long) wire in your mouth.

Lucy's arm grabs your head and smacks it to the ground with a lot of force. It's a good thing your robot head is heavily armoured and has a lot of protection mechanisms for your brain, which prevent you from even getting a mild headache from this.

Computer Room (Center)
You can see your gun lying here, only a couple of inches away.

One bullet, that must have fallen out of the gun's magazine, is right next to you.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a loose wire

You have got the loose end of a (pretty long) wire in your mouth.
You attach wire to the bullet
You would achieve nothing by this.

You have got the loose end of a (pretty long) wire in your mouth.

Lucy's arm places your head in a slingshot and fires at the wall. You bounce back and land somewhere behind the giant computer.

Computer Room (Behind Lucy)
Your head is lying in a claustrofobically small place behind Lucy. Just before you is a round computer port.
You put the wire in the port
You hold the end of the wire in the port.

Lucy: What do you think to achieve? Electrocute me with that pathetically weak voltage? That doesn't even tickle!
You have got the loose end of a (pretty long) wire in your mouth.
You get the bullet
You already have a wire in your mouth.

You have got the loose end of a (pretty long) wire in your mouth.

There's a bullet in your mouth.

Lucy's arm places your head in a slingshot and fires at the wall. You bounce back and land somewhere behind the giant computer.

Computer Room (Behind Lucy)
Your head is lying in a claustrofobically small place behind Lucy. Just before you is a round computer port.
You put the wire in the port
You hold the end of the wire in the port.

Lucy: What do you think to achieve? Electrocute me with that pathetically weak voltage? That doesn't even tickle!
You have got the loose end of a (pretty long) wire in your mouth.

There's a bullet in your mouth.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a bullet
a loose wire

You have got the loose end of a (pretty long) wire in your mouth.

There's a bullet in your mouth.

A boot on a stick kicks you away from here.

Computer Room (Southeastern corner)
Now your head lies right next to some electrical wiring.
You drop the wire
Dropped.

There's a bullet in your mouth.
You wait
Time passes.

There's a bullet in your mouth.

Lucy's arm grabs your head and smacks it to the ground with a lot of force. It's a good thing your robot head is heavily armoured and has a lot of protection mechanisms for your brain, which prevent you from even getting a mild headache from this.

Computer Room (Center)
You can see your gun lying here, only a couple of inches away.
Wait
Time passes.

There's a bullet in your mouth.
You wait for a while
Time passes.

There's a bullet in your mouth.

Lucy's arm places your head in a slingshot and fires at the wall. You bounce back and land somewhere behind the giant computer.

Computer Room (Behind Lucy)
Your head is lying in a claustrofobically small place behind Lucy. Just before you is a round computer port.
You put the bullet in the port
It fits perfectly.

Lucy: What are you doing? Remove that immediately!
You wait
Time passes.

A boot on a stick kicks you away from here.

Computer Room (Southeastern corner)
Now your head lies right next to some electrical wiring.

You can see a loose wire here.
You get the wire
You pick up the loose wire with your mouth.

You have got the loose end of a (pretty long) wire in your mouth.
You wait for a while
Time passes.

You have got the loose end of a (pretty long) wire in your mouth.

Lucy's arm grabs your head and smacks it to the ground with a lot of force. It's a good thing your robot head is heavily armoured and has a lot of protection mechanisms for your brain, which prevent you from even getting a mild headache from this.

Computer Room (Center)
You can see your gun lying here, only a couple of inches away.
You wait awhile
Time passes.

You have got the loose end of a (pretty long) wire in your mouth.
Wait
Time passes.

You have got the loose end of a (pretty long) wire in your mouth.

Lucy's arm places your head in a slingshot and fires at the wall. You bounce back and land somewhere behind the giant computer.

Computer Room (Behind Lucy)
Your head is lying in a claustrofobically small place behind Lucy. Just before you is a round computer port (with a bullet in it).
You use the wire on bullet
The hold the wire against the back of the bullet, and with a loud bang the gunpowder inside explodes and propells the bullet into the port.

Lucy: NOOO!! What have you done?! You hit some of my vital... Iceland! No hablo Espanol, laxative with cookies is tuesdayyyyowahghkrckkkkk yes allyourbasearebelongto

I AM ERROR ....................................................................... ....................................................................... ....................................................................... ....................................................................... ....................................................................... ....................................................................... ....................................................................... ....................................................................... ....................................................................... ....................................................................... ....

System reboot succesfull. In order to remove all defective files, all main hard drives had to be formatted. Only basic systems have been backed-up. System administrator is unkown, therefore the first person the give a vocal command will gain admin status and full contol over all my functions.

First person to give a vocal command, eh? You ask Lucy to please stop trying to kill you.

Lucy: Task 937: Kill <target name unkown> with priority level 5 has been cancelled. Have you got any other orders for me, sir?

Well...

Some time later...

Your hometown (Earth)
You wave goodbye to the S.S. Blearch, which flies away thousands of kilometers from earth in a few microseconds. Your new body feels great and looks exactly identical to your old one, all thanks to the super-advanced alien cloning technology. It's not completely the same though: because of the added laser eyes, superhuman strenght, IQ of 250, immortality and the abilty to move your ears (something you always would've wanted to be able to do).

Well, all this adventuring has made you pretty hungry. You decide to go to the local snackbar and eat as much hamburgers as you can pay for with the gigantic amount of money that has recently been deposited to your bank account. Well okay, that many hamburgers do not exist, but you bet your friends will be pretty impressed once you've bought the country of Sweden.
You look around
Lucy: Just answer the question.
Pizza
Enter saved game to load: Restore failed.
You answer the pizza
(to Lucy)
Lucy: pizza? My databases do not contain any information about that particular food, but it sounds rather nasty. I did find some pizza recipes on the internet, so I will direct those to the new cook. I hope you know what you're talking about, 848930...
Anyway, you will receive your reward... sometimes in the future. Such a great crisis like this one luckily only happens once every 200 years, so we will not be needing you until then. Have fun in your illusionary state of mind.

You feel like all the water in your brain is being replaced with liquid nitrogen. Probably something like that is actually happening...

You are in a vast green field. There a giant Mushrooms everywhere.

Money is lying on the ground everywhere. Probably this was the content of the crate. Luckily that little blue man isn't interested in it.

A little blue man with a white hat is walking around and looking at the mushrooms.

You can also see a signpost here.
You examine the altar
There is an inscription on the altar, surprisingly it's in regular modern English. It says:

The first one who succeeds in balancing the holy scales without removing the rock on the right scale will achieve ultimate happiness, ultimate knowledge and ultimate wealth. Beyond all this, you will also receive two free tickets to the zoo.
You eat rock
You try to take a bite out of it, booth you break a tooth, which falls on the floor.
Look around
Wow, this has to be the St. Peter of the temples dedicated to... err... mushrooms, it is huge.

The east and west walls are full of hieroglyphs.

In the middle of the temple you see a fountain. Like everything here it's mushroom-shaped.

There is an altar at the end of the hall. There are scales on the altar.

You can also see a tooth here.
You examine tooth
Poor tooth.
You get the tooth
You pick up the tooth, but then the tooth fairy comes and trades it for an easter egg.
Inventory
You are carrying:
an easter egg
a miniature
a tube of glue
a phone book
a white hat
a piece of paper
a lemon
You examine the easter egg
It's an easter egg. You hope it has some kind of function in this game.
You put the easter egg on the left scale
No.