Stupid Creek. Stupid Christmas.
Troy Jones III
Christmas female protagonist parser Penultimate not numbered Speed IF
Stupid Mom made you take your stupid little brother to town for stupid Christmas shopping in the freezing cold. And now you have to cross this stupid freezing-cold creek in a stupid boat to get back home.
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Stupid Mom made you take your stupid little brother to town for stupid Christmas shopping in the freezing cold. And now you have to cross this stupid freezing-cold creek in a stupid boat to get back home.

Stupid Creek. Stupid Christmas.
A Christmas puzzle by Troy Jones III

It's starting to snow, but the ground is too warm for it to stick.

The stupid rowboat sits here on the shore.

Tim plays his stupid video game thingy, seemingly completely oblivious to everything.
You look at Tim
Mom says you and Tim are "Irish twins" since you were born less than a year apart. You call him your evil twin since he's ALWAYS trying to get you in trouble. Some of the kids at school call him "Tiny Tim", which is from a movie or whatever. He's wearing a black shirt that says "I killed my father and all I got was this lousy t-shirt", and he also has on a dark gray winter jacket, faded black jeans, black sneakers, and a knit cap with a black and purple zigzag pattern. (Nothing says dark edgy goth dude like a black-and-purple knit cap). His stupid pimply nose is in his stupid video game player thing as usual. Also as usual, he smells like stupid Axe body-spray.
About yourself
You're wearing a long chartreuse sweater, black wool leggings, adorable white fluffy earmuffs, white mittens, and a pair of uggs. You hate how stupidly pale you look in the winter-- if Mom weren't so cruel and hearltess, she'd bring you with her to the spa and let you spend some quality time in a tanning bed. In your mittens you're carrying a copy of Doom III and some fake designer Italian shoes.
You look at the boat
A stupid-looking boat with stupid oars to make it go.
You enter the boat
You know from experience that trying to get in the boat while holding something is a bad idea. You don't want to risk falling into the creek.
You drop all
copy of Doom III: You toss the stupid copy of Doom III on the ground. fake designer Italian shoes: You hurl them to the ground.
You look at the earmuffs
They're cute AND they keep you warm.
You remove them
It's a chilly December day. Getting undressed now would be stupid.
You enter the boat
Tim waits just long enough to make you think he ignored you. But just as you start to open your mouth to repeat the order (with a few choice insults added), he starts to slowly drag his feet toward the boat, not taking his eyes off the stupid video game thing in his hand. And then finally stupid Tiny Tim gets into the stupid rowboat.
You look around
It's snowing, but the ground is too warm for it to stick.

The stupid rowboat sits here stupidly with your stupid little brother in it, playing his stupid handheld video game thingy.

You can also see some fake designer Italian shoes and a copy of Doom III here.
You get the shoes
Shaking your head at the ridiculousness of this whole situation, you snatch up the stupid fake designer Italian shoes.
You put the shoes in the boat
You impatiently stuff the stupid fake designer Italian shoes into the stupid boat.
You examine the boat
A stupid-looking boat with stupid oars to make it go. The stupid fake designer Italian shoes are in the bottom of the stupid boat.
You wear the shoes
(first taking the fake designer Italian shoes)
Patience nearly gone, you grab the stupid fake designer Italian shoes.

They're not the right size for you; Mom has big clumsy feet. Besides that, you wouldn't be caught dead in these stupid things.
Cross Creek
Tiny Tim has better things to do.
You ask Tim,  to go east
He just goes on playing that stupid game like he didn't even hear you. Honestly, he makes you want to throw things at him sometimes.
You throw the shoes at Tim
Good plan. The fake designer Italian shoes sail gracefully through the air after leaving your mittened hand and bounce off Tim's shoulder. "Ow! Hey! Knock it off, Triniti!" he whines.
You enter the boat
You get into the stupid rowboat.

Tim plays his stupid video game thingy. It makes stupid bleep-bloop-bloop noises.
Look around
Stupid West Bank (in the stupid rowboat)
You've made it to this side. Now to get everything else across.

Tim plays his stupid video game thingy.
You get out
Tiny Tim gets out of the stupid rowboat.
Look around
Stupid West Bank (in the stupid rowboat)
You've made it to this side. Now to get everything else across.

Tim plays his stupid video game thingy.

"Don't you ever get tired of that stupid thing?" you ask.

"Shut up," he replies.
You go west
This is no time to go wandering off. Mom expects you to get these presents and your stupid brother home!
Row boat
You row the boat across to the other shore, grumbling to yourself the whole way about this stupid freezing cold weather.
You get the game
Leaning out of the boat to try and reach something on the shore might tip the boat over. Mom says she'll kill you if you ruin the presents or drown in the creek-- better not risk it.
You get out
You get out of the stupid rowboat.

It's snowing, but the ground is too warm for it to stick.

The stupid rowboat sits here stupidly.

You can also see some fake designer Italian shoes and a copy of Doom III here.
You put the shoes in the boat
(first taking the fake designer Italian shoes)

Sighing, you snag the stupid fake designer Italian shoes.

You hastily toss the stupid fake designer Italian shoes into the stupid boat.
You put the game in the boat
(first taking the copy of Doom III)
You get the game
Patience nearly gone, you seize the stupid copy of Doom III.

You sigh and stuff the stupid copy of Doom III into the stupid boat.

Silently fuming, you snag the stupid copy of Doom III.
You enter the boat
You know from experience that trying to get in the boat while holding something is a bad idea. You don't want to risk falling into the creek.
You put the game in the boat
You unceremoniously throw the stupid copy of Doom III into the stupid boat.
Row boat
Sighing heavily, you grab the stupid copy of Doom III.

You ditch the copy of Doom III.

You get into the stupid rowboat.

In the stupid rowboat you can see some fake designer Italian shoes.

You row the boat across to the other shore, griping to yourself the whole way about how ridiculously unfair life is.
You get the game
"Hey, quit it! I'm fighting a boss!"

You decide now is not the best time to pick this particular fight so you let him keep it.
Look around
You've made it to this side. Now to get everything else across.

The stupid rowboat sits here stupidly.

Tim plays his stupid video game thingy.

You can also see some fake designer Italian shoes here.
You get in the boat
Still dragging his feet, Tim slowly starts toward the boat again. You're pretty sure he wants to get home as much as you do-- he's only being difficult to annoy you. Finally stupid Tiny Tim gets into the stupid rowboat.
You enter the boat
You get into the stupid rowboat.

Tim plays his stupid video game thingy, seemingly completely oblivious to everything.
Row
(the stupid rowboat)
You row the boat across to the other shore, grousing to yourself the whole way about how much your life really and truly sucks.
You get out
Tiny Tim gets out of the stupid rowboat.
You leave
You get out of the stupid rowboat.

It's snowing, but the ground is too warm for it to stick.

Tim plays his stupid video game thingy. It makes stupid bleep-bloop-bloop noises.

The stupid rowboat sits here stupidly.

You can also see a copy of Doom III here.
You put the Doom in the boat
(first taking the copy of Doom III)

Sighing heavily, you snag the stupid copy of Doom III.

You chuck the stupid copy of Doom III into the stupid boat.
Row
(the stupid rowboat)
You row the boat across to the other shore, griping to yourself the whole way about how much you hate, hate, hate stupid Christmas.
Row
You get out of the stupid rowboat.

You've made it to this side. Now to get everything else across.

The stupid rowboat sits here stupidly. The stupid copy of Doom III is in the bottom of the stupid boat.

You can also see some fake designer Italian shoes here.

Patience nearly gone, you grab the stupid copy of Doom III.

You ditch the copy of Doom III.

You get into the stupid rowboat.

(the stupid rowboat)
You row the boat across to the other shore, grumbling to yourself the whole way about how much your life really and truly sucks.
You enter the boat
Still dragging his feet, Tim slowly starts toward the boat again. You're pretty sure he wants to get home as much as you do-- he's only being difficult to annoy you. Finally stupid Tiny Tim gets into the stupid rowboat.
You examine the boat
A stupid-looking boat with stupid oars to make it go with your stupid little brother in it, playing his stupid handheld video game thingy.
Row
(the stupid rowboat)
You row the boat across to the other shore, grousing to yourself the whole way about how ridiculously unfair life is.

You row the boat ashore. Somehow, at long last, by some miracle, you managed to get the stupid presents and your stupid brother across the creek in one piece. If anyone's going to ruin Christmas this year it won't be you.

When Christmas morning does eventually roll around, you roll your eyes as your younger siblings and cousins tear eagerly into their presents. You are so over this. But when it comes time for you to open your present, you are surprised and delighted to find...
Sing
You sing a few lines from the latest Justin Bieber hit, since he's simply the greatest talent who's ever lived. Ever.

Tim makes disgusted choking sounds.
Dance
You bust out some fly moves you saw in the latest Justin Bieber video. You heart Justin! Sometimes you feel as though he's the only light in this stupid world.

Tim turns his back to avoid seeing you in his peripheral vision.
Pray
You close your eyes and bow your head. "Dear Lord, please help me to not ruin Christmas again this year. Please. In Jesus' name, amen," you pray.

Tim looks up from his video game. "Really? Seriously? That just happened," he says sarcastically.

"You shut up!" you snap.
You hit Tim
Better not. Mom says if you bring him home with a black eye again, you'll be grounded literally forever.
Lightning bolt
(Tiny Tim)
You pull off a mitten and rub your sweater vigorously, building up a good static charge. Then when he least suspects it, you reach out and touch Tim on the neck. Bzzt!

"LIGHTNING BOLT!" you call.

He flinches away. "Ow! Quit it, Triniti! You almost made me die!" He resumes playing his video game while you snicker.
Kiss tim
Ugh. How about NO.
Grass
Lots of dead grass. Who cares.
You throw shoes at Tim
Good plan. The fake designer Italian shoes soar gracefully through the air after leaving your mittened hand and bounce off Tim's forearm. "Ow! Hey! Knock it off, Triniti!" he whines.
You throw the Doom at Tim
Good plan. The copy of Doom III sails majestically through the air after leaving your mittened hand and bounces off Tim's forearm. "Ow! Hey! Quit it, Triniti!" he whines.
About yourself
You're wearing a long chartreuse sweater, black wool leggings, adorable white fluffy earmuffs, white mittens, and a pair of uggs. You hate how stupidly pale you look in the winter-- if Mom weren't so cruel and hearltess, she'd bring you with her to the spa and let you spend some quality time in a tanning bed.
You enter Creek
It's just the stupid creek.
You give the game to Tim
(the copy of Doom III to Tiny Tim)
(first taking the copy of Doom III)
Sighing, you snatch up the stupid copy of Doom III.

Tim can't be trusted with the presents. He's EVIL.
You look at the Doom
Some stupid video game or some junk. Your stupid older brother wants it for Christmas.
You wear the shoes
(Tiny Tim first taking the fake designer Italian shoes)
"Get the stupid thing yourself. Can't you see I'm busy?" he says.

You growl wordlessly under your breath.