The War On New Year's
Sam Kabo Ashwell
dance history humor male protagonist New Year's Speed parody political SpeedIF December 2007
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With the power of history swelling in your blood, you throw open the doors of the Eastern Theatre Ballroom. Soon, the decadent Western calendar will be overthrown, and the only months will be May, October, Ferroconcrete and Tractor.

A hush falls over the dancefloor as you twirl out into open space with jutted chin and clingy pants. The crowd parts, revealing a bilious shrimp in khaki jodphurs, a death's-head medallion and a pervert's moustache.

It's on.

or, Dance Dance January Revolution by Sam Kabo Ashwell

Well, y'know, it's really hard to say much good about your average Eastern European disco. They're going through a particularly unfortunate phase in the inevitable disintegration of capitalism, so you can almost forgive them. Almost.

You are confronted by a jumped-up little corporal with a thing for blondes, dogs and small children in lederhosen.
You examine the moustache
Which do you mean, your moustache or Hitler's moustache?
Hit hitler
While violent struggle is an instrinsic and vital element of the global revolution, the current international situation makes the busting of fresh moves more socially relevant.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable lambada before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just invading Poland.

Your HP: 10
Hitler's HP: 10
Dance
What do you want to dance?
Lambada
You kick out a stylin" lambada. Hitler screams in agony at your degenerate-art stylez!

Hitler makes a half-hearted attempt at a polka. Whatever.

Your HP: 10
Hitler's HP: 9
You examine the Hitler 's moustache
You see nothing special about Hitler's moustache.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable mambo before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just suffering a seizure.

Your HP: 10
Hitler's HP: 9
Waltz
You cannot bring yourself to embrace the right-deviationist, degenerate Western bourgeois abomination that is waltz, even if it will further the international class struggle.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable alligator before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just demonstrating the natural inferiority of non-Aryan dances.

Your HP: 10
Hitler's HP: 9
Tango
You essay a wild tango. Hitler screams in agony at your degenerate-art stylez!

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable breakdance before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just invading Poland.

Your HP: 10
Hitler's HP: 8
You get the Hitler 's moustache
That seems to be a part of Hitler.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable conga before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just invading Poland.

Your HP: 10
Hitler's HP: 8
Rumba
You bust out a phat rumba. Hitler screams in agony at your degenerate-art stylez!

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable time warp before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just demonstrating the natural inferiority of non-Aryan dances.

Your HP: 10
Hitler's HP: 7
Breakdance
You essay a wild breakdance. Hitler screams in agony at your degenerate-art stylez!

Hitler pulls out a wicked line-dance. Argh! The Western decadence, it burns!

Your HP: 9
Hitler's HP: 6
You look at your moustache
You see nothing special about your moustache.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable twist before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just readjusting his testicle.

Your HP: 9
Hitler's HP: 6
Twist
(Hitler)
That would be less than courteous.

Hitler makes a half-hearted attempt at a sword dance. Whatever.

Your HP: 9
Hitler's HP: 6
You remove your moustache
(first taking your moustache)
That seems to be a part of yourself.

Hitler makes a half-hearted attempt at a minuet. Whatever.

Your HP: 9
Hitler's HP: 6
You pull the Hitler 's moustache
Nothing obvious happens.

With a flourish, Hitler breaks into a Cossack dance - but he has failed to anticipate the rich, authentic proletarian traditions associated with the form! Your pinko heart swells with pride - and hit points.
You jump
You jump on the spot, fruitlessly.

With a flourish, Hitler breaks into a hornpipe - but he has failed to anticipate the rich, authentic proletarian traditions associated with the form! Your pinko heart swells with pride - and hit points.
Minuet
Not sure what good it'll do, you attempt a lacklustre minuet. The judges give you a total score of four point three, and Hitler sneers.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable mashed potato before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just warming up.

Your HP: 11
Hitler's HP: 6
Hornpipe
Not sure what good it'll do, you attempt a lacklustre hornpipe. The judges give you a total score of three point zero, and Hitler sneers.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable rumba before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just expressing the heroic, irrational spontanaeity that is the Ubermensch perogative.

Your HP: 11
Hitler's HP: 6
Foxtrot
You cannot bring yourself to embrace the right-deviationist, degenerate Western bourgeois abomination that is foxtrot, even if it will further the international class struggle.

Hitler pulls out a wicked waltz. Argh! The Western decadence, it burns!

Your HP: 10
Hitler's HP: 6
Cha cha
You cannot bring yourself to embrace the right-deviationist, degenerate Western bourgeois abomination that is the cha-cha-cha, even if it will further the international class struggle.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable flamenco before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just getting a dog turd off his jackboot.

Your HP: 10
Hitler's HP: 6
Tapdance
Not sure what good it'll do, you attempt a lacklustre tapdance. The judges give you a total score of three point six, and Hitler sneers.

With a flourish, Hitler breaks into a headbang - but he has failed to anticipate the rich, authentic proletarian traditions associated with the form! Your pinko heart swells with pride - and hit points.
Charleston
You cannot bring yourself to embrace the right-deviationist, degenerate Western bourgeois abomination that is the charleston, even if it will further the international class struggle.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable bhangra before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just doing stretches.

Your HP: 11
Hitler's HP: 6
Boogie
You throw down a raw swing. Hitler screams in agony at your degenerate-art stylez!

With a flourish, Hitler breaks into a mazurka - but he has failed to anticipate the rich, authentic proletarian traditions associated with the form! Your pinko heart swells with pride - and hit points.
Moonwalk
You cannot bring yourself to embrace the right-deviationist, degenerate Western bourgeois abomination that is the moonwalk, even if it will further the international class struggle.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable merengue before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just doing stretches.

Your HP: 12
Hitler's HP: 5
Sing
Your singing is abominable.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable tango before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just warming up.

Your HP: 12
Hitler's HP: 5
Swing
(Hitler)
There's nothing sensible to swing here.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable boogaloo before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just expressing the heroic, irrational spontanaeity that is the Ubermensch perogative.

Your HP: 12
Hitler's HP: 5
Mazurka
Not sure what good it'll do, you attempt a lacklustre mazurka. The judges give you a total score of four point eight, and Hitler sneers.

Hitler pulls out a wicked square-dance. Argh! The Western decadence, it burns!

Your HP: 11
Hitler's HP: 5
Cossack
You try to perform a cossack dance, but it just reminds you of those filthy Ukrainian traitors. Hitler tries to guffaw, but it comes out as more of an abrasive twitter.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable pogo before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just getting a dog turd off his jackboot.

Your HP: 9
Hitler's HP: 5
Tap
You aren't feeling especially drowsy.

Hitler makes a half-hearted attempt at a Hokey-Cokey. Whatever.

Your HP: 9
Hitler's HP: 5
Mashed potato
You bust out a phat mashed potato. Hitler screams in agony at your degenerate-art stylez!

Hitler makes a half-hearted attempt at a jota. Whatever.

Your HP: 9
Hitler's HP: 4
Funky chicken
You mash up a mean funky chicken. Hitler screams in agony at your degenerate-art stylez!

Hitler pulls out a wicked ballet. Argh! The Western decadence, it burns!

Your HP: 8
Hitler's HP: 3
Electric slide
You cannot bring yourself to embrace the right-deviationist, degenerate Western bourgeois abomination that is line-dance, even if it will further the international class struggle.

Hitler makes a half-hearted attempt at a gavotte. Whatever.

Your HP: 8
Hitler's HP: 3
Salsa
You kick out a wild salsa. Hitler screams in agony at your degenerate-art stylez!

Hitler pulls out a wicked poledance. Argh! The Western decadence, it burns!

Your HP: 7
Hitler's HP: 2
Rhumba
You hesitate. You've already performed a rumba. The judges would surely not look kindly upon recycled moves.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable salsa before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just getting a dog turd off his jackboot.

Your HP: 7
Hitler's HP: 2
Ballet
You cannot bring yourself to embrace the right-deviationist, degenerate Western bourgeois abomination that is ballet, even if it will further the international class struggle.

Hitler pulls out a wicked fandango. Argh! The Western decadence, it burns!

Your HP: 6
Hitler's HP: 2
Polka
Not sure what good it'll do, you attempt a lacklustre polka. The judges give you a total score of five point two, and Hitler sneers.

Hitler makes a half-hearted attempt at a morris dance. Whatever.

Your HP: 6
Hitler's HP: 2
Merengue
You throw down a stylin" merengue. Hitler screams in agony at your degenerate-art stylez!

Hitler pulls out a wicked foxtrot. Argh! The Western decadence, it burns!

Your HP: 5
Hitler's HP: 1
Fandango
Well, y'know, it's really hard to say much good about your average Eastern European disco. They're going through a particularly unfortunate phase in the inevitable disintegration of capitalism, so you can almost forgive them. Almost.

You are confronted by a jumped-up little corporal with a thing for blondes, dogs and small children in lederhosen.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable krump before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just getting a dog turd off his jackboot.

Your HP: 5
Hitler's HP: 1

You cannot bring yourself to embrace the right-deviationist, degenerate Western bourgeois abomination that is the fandango, even if it will further the international class struggle.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable swing before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just demonstrating the natural inferiority of non-Aryan dances.

Your HP: 5
Hitler's HP: 1
You look at Hitler
You see nothing special about Hitler.

Hitler pulls out a wicked cha-cha-cha. Argh! The Western decadence, it burns!

Your HP: 4
Hitler's HP: 1
Kiss hitler
Keep your mind on the game.

Hitler pulls out a wicked disco move. Argh! The Western decadence, it burns!

Your HP: 3
Hitler's HP: 1
You go to the south
You can't go that way.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable cakewalk before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just warming up.

Your HP: 3
Hitler's HP: 1
Mambo
You kick out a mean mambo. Hitler screams in agony at your degenerate-art stylez!

Hitler makes a half-hearted attempt at a Big Fish Little Fish Cardboard Box. Whatever.

Your HP: 3
Hitler's HP: 0

Sweat pours off you as you execute the final step and throw your arms wide. Hitler bows his head in ignominious defeat. The judges make a show of conferring, but the outcome is not in doubt.

But as your moment of glory is at hand, a swanky, unspeakably bourgeois golf cart - a golf cart, for Engels" sake - bursts through the crowd, benoodled with limp-wristed banners. Be Nice To The Elderly Sometimes. Progress Democratically And Gradually Towards An Acceptably Consensus-Based Socialism Of Some Sort. Lazily Masticate All Sandwiches. Poofy-haired Oxbridge grads spring from the cab, adorned in half-assed guerilla chic.

"Schiesse," gasps Hitler in a tone of utter despair, "is das Fabians."
Tap
You aren't feeling especially drowsy.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable funky chicken before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just warming up.

Your HP: 3
Hitler's HP: 1
Sing
Your singing is abominable.

Hitler makes a half-hearted attempt at a paso doble. Whatever.

Your HP: 3
Hitler's HP: 1
You look at what you're carrying with you
You are carrying nothing.

Hitler makes a half-hearted attempt at a tapdance. Whatever.

Your HP: 3
Hitler's HP: 1
Ballet
You hesitate. You've already performed a ballet. The judges would surely not look kindly upon recycled moves.

With a flourish, Hitler breaks into a jig - but he has failed to anticipate the rich, authentic proletarian traditions associated with the form! Your pinko heart swells with pride - and hit points.
You wait awhile
Time passes.

Hitler pulls out a wicked charleston. Argh! The Western decadence, it burns!

Your HP: 2
Hitler's HP: 1
Limbo
You essay a mean limbo. Hitler screams in agony at your degenerate-art stylez!

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable limbo before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just expressing the heroic, irrational spontanaeity that is the Ubermensch perogative.

Your HP: 2
Hitler's HP: 0

Sweat pours off you as you execute the final step and throw your arms wide. Hitler bows his head in ignominious defeat. The judges make a show of conferring, but the outcome is not in doubt.

But as your moment of glory is at hand, a swanky, unspeakably bourgeois golf cart - a golf cart, for Engels" sake - bursts through the crowd, benoodled with limp-wristed banners. Be Nice To The Elderly Sometimes. Progress Democratically And Gradually Towards An Acceptably Consensus-Based Socialism Of Some Sort. Lazily Masticate All Sandwiches. Poofy-haired Oxbridge grads spring from the cab, adorned in half-assed guerilla chic.

"Schiesse," gasps Hitler in a tone of utter despair, "is das Fabians."
Inventory
You are carrying nothing.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable skank before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just demonstrating the natural inferiority of non-Aryan dances.

Your HP: 2
Hitler's HP: 1
Skank
You mash up a phat skank. Hitler screams in agony at your degenerate-art stylez!

Hitler makes a half-hearted attempt at a Big Fish Little Fish Cardboard Box. Whatever.

Your HP: 2
Hitler's HP: 0

Sweat pours off you as you execute the final step and throw your arms wide. Hitler bows his head in ignominious defeat. The judges make a show of conferring, but the outcome is not in doubt.

But as your moment of glory is at hand, a swanky, unspeakably bourgeois golf cart - a golf cart, for Engels" sake - bursts through the crowd, benoodled with limp-wristed banners. Be Nice To The Elderly Sometimes. Progress Democratically And Gradually Towards An Acceptably Consensus-Based Socialism Of Some Sort. Lazily Masticate All Sandwiches. Poofy-haired Oxbridge grads spring from the cab, adorned in half-assed guerilla chic.

"Schiesse," gasps Hitler in a tone of utter despair, "is das Fabians."
Hustle
You cannot bring yourself to embrace the right-deviationist, degenerate Western bourgeois abomination that is the hustle, even if it will further the international class struggle.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable jive before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just getting a dog turd off his jackboot.

Your HP: 1
Hitler's HP: 1
Look around
Well, y'know, it's really hard to say much good about your average Eastern European disco. They're going through a particularly unfortunate phase in the inevitable disintegration of capitalism, so you can almost forgive them. Almost.

You are confronted by a jumped-up little corporal with a thing for blondes, dogs and small children in lederhosen.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable limbo before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just demonstrating the natural inferiority of non-Aryan dances.

Your HP: 1
Hitler's HP: 1
Cha cha cha
You hesitate. You've already performed a cha-cha-cha. The judges would surely not look kindly upon recycled moves.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable moonwalk before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just getting a dog turd off his jackboot.

Your HP: 1
Hitler's HP: 1
Rumba
You can't see any such thing.

You hesitate. You've already performed a rumba. The judges would surely not look kindly upon recycled moves.

With a flourish, Hitler breaks into a jig - but he has failed to anticipate the rich, authentic proletarian traditions associated with the form! Your pinko heart swells with pride - and hit points.
Mosh
Not sure what good it'll do, you attempt a lacklustre headbang. The judges give you a total score of four point three, and Hitler sneers.

Hitler pulls out a wicked jitterbug. Argh! The Western decadence, it burns!

Your HP: 1
Hitler's HP: 1
Mamba
You mash up a fresh mambo. Hitler screams in agony at your degenerate-art stylez!

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable hustle before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just suffering a seizure.

Your HP: 1
Hitler's HP: 0

Sweat pours off you as you execute the final step and throw your arms wide. Hitler bows his head in ignominious defeat. The judges make a show of conferring, but the outcome is not in doubt.

But as your moment of glory is at hand, a swanky, unspeakably bourgeois golf cart - a golf cart, for Engels" sake - bursts through the crowd, benoodled with limp-wristed banners. Be Nice To The Elderly Sometimes. Progress Democratically And Gradually Towards An Acceptably Consensus-Based Socialism Of Some Sort. Lazily Masticate All Sandwiches. Poofy-haired Oxbridge grads spring from the cab, adorned in half-assed guerilla chic.

"Schiesse," gasps Hitler in a tone of utter despair, "is das Fabians."
Cardboard box
Not sure what good it'll do, you attempt a lacklustre Big Fish Little Fish Cardboard Box. The judges give you a total score of three point six, and Hitler sneers.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable haka before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just readjusting his testicle.

Your HP: 1
Hitler's HP: 1
Haka
You essay a phat haka. Hitler screams in agony at your degenerate-art stylez!

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable hustle before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just invading Poland.

Your HP: 1
Hitler's HP: 0

Sweat pours off you as you execute the final step and throw your arms wide. Hitler bows his head in ignominious defeat. The judges make a show of conferring, but the outcome is not in doubt.

But as your moment of glory is at hand, a swanky, unspeakably bourgeois golf cart - a golf cart, for Engels" sake - bursts through the crowd, benoodled with limp-wristed banners. Be Nice To The Elderly Sometimes. Progress Democratically And Gradually Towards An Acceptably Consensus-Based Socialism Of Some Sort. Lazily Masticate All Sandwiches. Poofy-haired Oxbridge grads spring from the cab, adorned in half-assed guerilla chic.

"Schiesse," gasps Hitler in a tone of utter despair, "is das Fabians."
Bhangra
Confident of victory, you puff up your chest, throw up your hands and work your manly hips.

"Ah-HA!" Hitler cries. "Got you! Bhangra is derived from folk-songs in Punjabi, which, last I checked, was an Indo-ARYAN language! Judges, I claim my bonus hit point!"

Caught flat-footed, you stall with an account of Communist social successes in Kerala.

"What the Hel has that got to do with anything?" asks Hitler. "Since when do they speak Punjabi in Kerala? They're all subhuman Elamo-Dravidians."

But it's too late. You occupy a further half-hour with explanations of the fine historical distinctions between the Communist Party of India and the Communist Party of India (Marxist), and the judges fall asleep.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable hustle before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just expressing the heroic, irrational spontanaeity that is the Ubermensch perogative.

Your HP: 0
Hitler's HP: 0

The judges beam. Hitler smirks. The audience break into spontaneous Nazi salutes, and start pelting you with bratwurst. But retreat is unthinkable. Surely, somehow, you can break out the ultimate proletarian move that will clearly demonstrate class-destiny. If you can just think for a moment -

The clock strikes twelve.

Sweat pours off you as you execute the final step and throw your arms wide. Hitler bows his head in ignominious defeat. The judges make a show of conferring, but the outcome is not in doubt.

But as your moment of glory is at hand, a swanky, unspeakably bourgeois golf cart - a golf cart, for Engels" sake - bursts through the crowd, benoodled with limp-wristed banners. Be Nice To The Elderly Sometimes. Progress Democratically And Gradually Towards An Acceptably Consensus-Based Socialism Of Some Sort. Lazily Masticate All Sandwiches. Poofy-haired Oxbridge grads spring from the cab, adorned in half-assed guerilla chic.

"Schiesse," gasps Hitler in a tone of utter despair, "is das Fabians."
Hokey pokey
Not sure what good it'll do, you attempt a lacklustre Hokey-Cokey. The judges give you a total score of four point five, and Hitler sneers.

Hitler makes a half-hearted attempt at a Big Fish Little Fish Cardboard Box. Whatever.

Your HP: 1
Hitler's HP: 1
You wait awhile
Time passes.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable hustle before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just expressing the heroic, irrational spontanaeity that is the Ubermensch perogative.

The judges, exhausted, arbitrarily declare a forfeit. How unseemly! Your HP: 1
Hitler's HP: 1
You wait
Time passes.

Hitler pulls out a wicked cha-cha-cha. Argh! The Western decadence, it burns!

Your HP: 9
Hitler's HP: 10
You wait for a while
Time passes.

Hitler makes a half-hearted attempt at a tapdance. Whatever.

Your HP: 9
Hitler's HP: 10
You wait awhile
Time passes.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable boogaloo before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just invading Poland.

Your HP: 9
Hitler's HP: 10
You wait a while
Time passes.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable rumba before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just invading Poland.

Your HP: 9
Hitler's HP: 10
Time passes.

Hitler pulls out a wicked ballet. Argh! The Western decadence, it burns!

Your HP: 8
Hitler's HP: 10
Time passes.

Hitler makes a half-hearted attempt at a Hokey-Cokey. Whatever.

Your HP: 8
Hitler's HP: 10
Wait
Time passes.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable bellydance before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just getting a dog turd off his jackboot.

Your HP: 8
Hitler's HP: 10
Time passes.

With a flourish, Hitler breaks into a Cossack dance - but he has failed to anticipate the rich, authentic proletarian traditions associated with the form! Your pinko heart swells with pride - and hit points.

Time passes.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable twist before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just getting a dog turd off his jackboot.

Your HP: 9
Hitler's HP: 10
You wait
Time passes.

Hitler makes a half-hearted attempt at a jota. Whatever.

Your HP: 8
Hitler's HP: 10
You wait
Time passes.

With a flourish, Hitler breaks into a jig - but he has failed to anticipate the rich, authentic proletarian traditions associated with the form! Your pinko heart swells with pride - and hit points.
You wait for a while
Time passes.

Hitler pulls out a wicked square-dance. Argh! The Western decadence, it burns!

Your HP: 7
Hitler's HP: 10
Wait
Time passes.

Hitler pulls out a wicked charleston. Argh! The Western decadence, it burns!

Your HP: 6
Hitler's HP: 10
You wait
Time passes.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable skank before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just demonstrating the natural inferiority of non-Aryan dances.

Your HP: 6
Hitler's HP: 10
You wait awhile
Time passes.

With a flourish, Hitler breaks into a hornpipe - but he has failed to anticipate the rich, authentic proletarian traditions associated with the form! Your pinko heart swells with pride - and hit points.
You wait
Time passes.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable haka before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just warming up.

Your HP: 6
Hitler's HP: 10
Wait
Time passes.

Hitler makes a half-hearted attempt at a morris dance. Whatever.

Your HP: 6
Hitler's HP: 10
You wait
Time passes.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable flamenco before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just getting a dog turd off his jackboot.

Your HP: 6
Hitler's HP: 10
Wait
Time passes.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable limbo before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just doing stretches.

Your HP: 6
Hitler's HP: 10
You wait awhile
Time passes.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable time warp before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just suffering a seizure.

Your HP: 6
Hitler's HP: 10
You wait for a while
Time passes.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable mashed potato before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just suffering a seizure.

Your HP: 6
Hitler's HP: 10
You wait
Time passes.

Hitler makes a half-hearted attempt at a gavotte. Whatever.

Your HP: 6
Hitler's HP: 10
Wait
Time passes.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable pogo before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just expressing the heroic, irrational spontanaeity that is the Ubermensch perogative.

Your HP: 6
Hitler's HP: 10
You wait awhile
Time passes.

Hitler makes a half-hearted attempt at a sword dance. Whatever.

Your HP: 6
Hitler's HP: 10
You wait a while
Time passes.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable bhangra before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just expressing the heroic, irrational spontanaeity that is the Ubermensch perogative.

Your HP: 6
Hitler's HP: 10
You wait awhile
Time passes.

Hitler makes a half-hearted attempt at a paso doble. Whatever.

Your HP: 6
Hitler's HP: 10
You wait
Time passes.

Hitler pulls out a wicked jitterbug. Argh! The Western decadence, it burns!

Your HP: 5
Hitler's HP: 10
Time passes.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable breakdance before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just readjusting his testicle.

Your HP: 5
Hitler's HP: 10
Time passes.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable hustle before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just expressing the heroic, irrational spontanaeity that is the Ubermensch perogative.

Your HP: 5
Hitler's HP: 10
Wait
Time passes.

With a flourish, Hitler breaks into a headbang - but he has failed to anticipate the rich, authentic proletarian traditions associated with the form! Your pinko heart swells with pride - and hit points.

Time passes.

Hitler pulls out a wicked foxtrot. Argh! The Western decadence, it burns!

Your HP: 5
Hitler's HP: 10
Time passes.

With a flourish, Hitler breaks into a jig - but he has failed to anticipate the rich, authentic proletarian traditions associated with the form! Your pinko heart swells with pride - and hit points.
You jump
You jump on the spot, fruitlessly.

With a flourish, Hitler breaks into a headbang - but he has failed to anticipate the rich, authentic proletarian traditions associated with the form! Your pinko heart swells with pride - and hit points.
Cossack
You try to perform a cossack dance, but it just reminds you of those filthy Ukrainian traitors. Hitler tries to guffaw, but it comes out as more of an abrasive twitter.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable salsa before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just suffering a seizure.

Your HP: 4
Hitler's HP: 10
Cossack
You try to perform a cossack dance, but it just reminds you of those filthy Ukrainian traitors. Hitler tries to guffaw, but it comes out as more of an abrasive twitter.

Hitler gets two steps into a quite passable cakewalk before remembering himself. He quickly pretends that he was just invading Poland.

Your HP: 3
Hitler's HP: 10
Wait
Time passes.

Hitler pulls out a wicked disco move. Argh! The Western decadence, it burns!

Your HP: 2
Hitler's HP: 10
Time passes.

Hitler pulls out a wicked waltz. Argh! The Western decadence, it burns!

Your HP: 1
Hitler's HP: 10
Time passes.

Hitler makes a half-hearted attempt at a minuet. Whatever.

Your HP: 1
Hitler's HP: 10
Wait
Time passes.

Hitler pulls out a wicked line-dance. Argh! The Western decadence, it burns!

Your HP: 0
Hitler's HP: 10

The judges beam. Hitler smirks. The audience break into spontaneous Nazi salutes, and start pelting you with bratwurst. But retreat is unthinkable. Surely, somehow, you can break out the ultimate proletarian move that will clearly demonstrate class-destiny. If you can just think for a moment -

The clock strikes twelve.