Mhairie Sioux Escrivain and the Dracula of Hogwarts
Roger Carbol  (as M Grablowsky)
fan fiction fanfic Harry Potter humor mock walkthrough
You were just a regular girl living a regular life in North Dakota when a letter arrived that changed your life. You had been accepted as an exchange student to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, all the way in England! You packed your bags and left without delay. After a plane, a train, and a boat, you now sit in the Great Hall of Hogwarts itself.
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when a letter arrived that changed your life. You had been accepted
as an exchange student to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, all the way in England! You packed your bags and left without delay. After a plane, a train, and a boat, you now sit in the Great Hall of Hogwarts itself.



Great Hall of Hogwarts (on the bench)
The Great Hall is, well, pretty great. The entire population of the school is here to see the Sorting Ceremony. The headmaster Albus Dumbledore is overseeing the ceremony. You recognize a few students
-- that must be Harry Potter over with Gryffindor, and at the
Slytherin table you're sure you can see Draco Malfoy.

Everyone else has been sorted into their Houses; for some reason, you're the last to go.

You can see a stage (on which is The Sorting Hat) here.
About you
You are Mhairie Sioux Escrivain, from North Dakota. Your mother is a human animagus and your father is a unicorn. You were raised by your mother while your father returned to the wild woods of his home. They both love you very much and your father visits whenever he can. You have deep purple eyes and your hair is a luxurious brunette with unicorn highlights of silver and gold.
Inventory
You are carrying:
your wand
Shadowcat
your robes (being worn)
You look at Hat
Hard to believe this crumpled old hat is an artifact of great magic, and yet, so it is.
You look at the wand
Your wand is made of rowan wood and is intricately-carved. Unusually, the core of your wand consists of your own half-unicorn hair, which makes for a powerful bond.
You examine the Shadowcat
Shadowcat is your magical familiar. She is a rare fairie dragon that you have had since birth. She usually sits on your shoulders, purring quietly.
You look at the robes
Your robes were your mother's and are embroidered with threads of silver and gold. In certain lights some people claim that they are slightly-transluscent, but that's just the wishful thinking of old pervs.
You get on the stage
(getting off the bench)
You get onto the stage.

On the stage you can see The Sorting Hat.
You wear Hat
(first taking The Sorting Hat)
You place The Sorting Hat onto your curled tresses.

"Ah, you must be the young lady Mhairie Sioux Escrivain," the Hat says to you.
2
"You are too modest, Miss Escrivain," says the Hat. "Now then, onto the business at hand. You have some preference for your House, I sense."
3
"As you say, my dear," says the Hat. "Of course, I could easily sort you into Gryffindor. But I sense something very unique in you..."

just Mhairie."
1
"The House for Mhairie Sioux Escrivain is... Gryffindor!" the Hat proclaims. Everyone cheers!
2
Albus Dumbledore reaches over to remove the Hat, as the ceremony is
now concluded. "However..." the Hat continues, inexplicably. "It would be more accurate to say that Gryffindor is, how to put it, her PRIMARY House." Murmurs of confusion arise.
3
"It would be quite unfair to Mhairie, to say nothing of the other Houses, to restrict her to just one House. Therefore, she is also an associate member of every House, as befits her talent and potential." The murmurs of confusion give way to cheers, scattered at first, but growing in volume until the whole Great Hall shakes. Dumbledore, looking quite stunned, finally removes the Hat.

You should probably take a seat before things get awkward.
You sit on the stage
But you're already on the stage.
You sit
What do you want to sit on?
You get off stage
You get off the stage.

The Great Hall is, well, pretty great. The entire population of the school is here to see the Sorting Ceremony. The headmaster Albus Dumbledore is overseeing the ceremony. You recognize a few students
-- that must be Harry Potter over with Gryffindor, and at the
Slytherin table you're sure you can see Draco Malfoy.

Over at the Gryffindor table, you see that Harry has opened up a spot beside him for you to sit down. On the other side of the hall, Draco has shoved Goyle right off the bench, hoping you might sit with Slytherin. Between, both Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw have also made
space for you.

You can see a stage here.
You examine Harry
The scar on his forehead, the glasses, the boyish charm -- surely this must be the famous Harry Potter, the Boy who Lives.
You examine Albus
The headmaster of Hogwarts is an ancient, wise, and powerful wizard, like Santa Claus crossed with Yoda.
You examine Draco
The mischievous grin,  the shock of blond hair, the leather pants beneath his robes -- surely this must be Draco Malfoy, the Boy who Sneers.
You sit at Slytherin
You take a seat next to Draco at the Slytherin table. "Decided on
your REAL House already, have you, Mhairie," he says. "I'm Draco," as if you might not already know that.

The school year rushes by in a flurry of classes, exams, and studying. One moment in particular, however, stands out...

It is late autumn, and the snow will be coming soon. Hagrid has led your Care of Magical Creatures class out into one of the sunnier corners of the Dark Forest. "Bowtruckles," he says, addressing the class, "are tricky wee buggers. They're made of wood, live in the woods, and never leave their own trees. Go on, have a good look for one; while I enjoy a nice pipe." He begins searching the many pockets of his coat.
You look
The Great Hall is, well, pretty great. The entire population of the school is here to see the Sorting Ceremony. The headmaster Albus Dumbledore is overseeing the ceremony. You recognize a few students
-- that must be Harry Potter over with Gryffindor, and at the
Slytherin table you're sure you can see Draco Malfoy.

Over at the Gryffindor table, you see that Harry has opened up a spot beside him for you to sit down. On the other side of the hall, Draco has shoved Goyle right off the bench, hoping you might sit with Slytherin. Between, both Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw have also made
space for you.

You can see a stage here.
You examine Hagrid
An unthinkably-enormous mountain of a man, with hair sprouting from
all manner of unlikely body parts.
Inventory
You are carrying:
your wand
Shadowcat
your robes (being worn)
You examine the bowtruckle
It's like a tiny little person, made out of wood. They're very difficult to see against the bark of the tree, unless you know exactly what to look for, which you do.

"Ah, looks like Miss Escrivain has found one straight off," says Hagrid, having noticed that you've found a bowtruckle already. "Go
on, then, gather round and have a good look, while I..." he trails off mid-sentence. "Well, shave my head and call me Doris! There's something you don't see every day!"

Everyone turns to where Hagrid is staring. From out of the forest, a unicorn has walked into the clearing.

"Now, everyone just stay calm and still-like. Just seeing a unicorn
is blessing enough. Walk up to one and it's likely as not to kick
your head in."
Hi
You seem to want to talk to someone, but I can't see whom.

> WALK UP TO UNICORN

I only understood you as far as wanting to walk up.
You touch the UNICORN
You reach out and pet the unicorn, feeling its strong yet gentle
equine musculature beneath your fingers. This apparently elicits
gasps from the other students, but you scarcely hear them. For a moment, it is just you and this magnificent beast.

Then the moment ends. The unicorn somehow senses this and gallops
back off whence it came. The other students approach you, now that it's safe. Harry and Draco shove their way to the front of the pack.

"Mhairie, that was bloody brilliant!" says Harry, clearly impressed. "So listen, I've been meaning to ask you, with the Yule Ball coming up..."

"Out of the way, Potter!" shouts Draco has he shoves Harry out of the way. "Wanna go to the Ball with me, Mhairie?" he asks you. "Or me?" says Harry.

maybe next time."
you?"
3
Your response leaves them both speechless. "Well, I suppose, that
is," manages Harry, finally, "I mean, there's no reason we couldn't both take you to the Ball, is there? I mean, if that's what you want, I mean," he finishes. "I don't mind a bit of competition,", sneers Draco. "It's not who you go with as much as who you end up with, right? See you then," he says. They both walk off in very different directions.

The weeks, like the snow, flies quickly and heavily, and before you know it, it is the night of the Yule Ball...

The Great Hall has been lavishly-decorated for the annual Yule Ball. The students mill around in their dress robes. You grip a small glass of bubbly grape juice and enjoy the atmosphere.
Drink juice
There's nothing suitable to drink here.

As you look around the Great Hall, someone rudely bumps your elbow.
You spill your drink all down the front of your dress robes! You turn to see who it was, but they've disappeared into a sea of
near-identical robes. Shadowcat is so distraught she flies off into the rafters.
You look at the robes
Your dress robes were a gift from your father's family. They are
woven from pure unicorn hair and virtually float around your body.
Even more people claim that they are slightly-more-than-slightly-transluscent, but that's just the wishful thinking of many old pervs. A large grape stain down the front of
your robes unfortunately takes something away from the overall effect.

As you try to decide how to recover from this faux pas, Albus Dumbledore floats up beside you. "Oh, bollocks, Miss Escrivain. I should strongly suggest you visit the Girls' Bathroom, just to the south of us, and clean yourself up. A quick wave of the wand and stains are gone!" he says gravely.
Go south
This short hallway -- more of a foyer, really, or an antechamber -- is to the immediate south of the Great Hall. To the west is the Girls' Bathroom, which you're well-acquainted with. To the east is the Boys' Bathroom, of which you know nothing at all, save that it is surely a pit of filth and nastiness.
Go west
The Girls' Bathroom.
The bathroom is quite homey and welcoming. Soft candles light the room, the air smells faintly of lavender, and the sofas are nice and soft. The exit is to the east.
Wave wand
That cleaned it right up, just like, well, magic!
You examine the robes
Your dress robes were a gift from your father's family. They are
woven from pure unicorn hair and virtually float around your body.
Even more people claim that they are slightly-more-than-slightly-transluscent, but that's just the wishful thinking of many old pervs.
Go north
The Great Hall has been lavishly-decorated for the annual Yule Ball. But the room is mysteriously and completely deserted -- where is everyone?

Shadowcat flutters down from the rafters and resumes her perch on your shoulders.
You check your inventory
You are carrying:
Shadowcat
your dress robes (being worn)
your wand

"Everyone marched off to the Quidditch Pitch," Shadowcat tells you telepathically. "They are under the influence of some dark power!
You must go rescue them."
You go north
You can't go that way.

"Time is of the essence," Shadowcat tells you telepathically.
You look at Shadowcat
Shadowcat is your magical familiar. She is a rare fairie dragon that you have had since birth. She usually sits on your shoulders, purring quietly.

"There is no time to lose," Shadowcat tells you telepathically.
You look
The Great Hall has been lavishly-decorated for the annual Yule Ball. But the room is mysteriously and completely deserted -- where is everyone?

"We must make haste," Shadowcat tells you telepathically.
Go south
You head out to the Quidditch Pitch straight away, and after several minutes of walking through the darkness, you arrive.

The moonlight sparkles off the snow that covers the pitch, and in the center of the pitch, a dark figure stands, who sparkles slightly in
the moonlight too. In the stands you see the entire population of Hogwarts, all standing as motionless as statues.
Go north
You can't go that way.

You're pretty good at sneaking around in the dark, but the dark figure standing on the Quidditch Pitch is even better at seeing in the dark. "Ah-ha, young lady; I thought I might have somehow missed one," he
says in a dark sultry voice. "I am DRACULA, King of the Vampires, and I have hypnotized everyone here with my vampiric powers of hypnotism," he continues.
Wave wand
You can't just run around flinging spells willy-nilly.

"Indeed, even now, I have hypnotized you, without your even knowing it," he says, the model of confidence. "Although... no, I haven't, have I. I can't imagine what power you have to resist me... but I intend to find out!" With that he lunges towards you in a blur and bites you on the wrist, and starts sucking your blood!
3
You protest vehemently, but Dracula will not be dissuaded by your protestations. He continues to greedily suck down your delicious half-unicorn blood.

Dracula suddenly stops. He can't be full of your blood already, can he? You don't even feel faint. He steps away from you, clutching his head, and starts to moan which crescendos into a howl.
You examine Dracula
He's a tall, dark, striking figure in a cape. Under the moonlight,
his pale skin sparkles faintly. Even from here, you can see his pointed fangs glistening. This must be none other than Dracula, King of the Vampires.

"NOOOOoooooo..." he howls, for seemingly forever. Eventually he composes himself. "Your blood, your delicious half-unicorn blood...
it has made me see the error of my ways! Oh, the evil I have committed..." He begins to moan again, interminably. He finally
spits out, "I must atone for my many sins. Your friends are free to go; you need only kiss them to release them from their paralysis."
With that, he transmogrifies into a giant bat and flies away into the night.

Well. It seems you have quite a lot of kissing ahead of you. Your only decision is this: who to start with?