Perdition's Flames
Michael J. Roberts
cover art hell parser TADS TADS 2 walkthrough
The afterlife isn't what you expected. Explore a strangely modernized and bureaucratic underworld, replete with strip malls, government offices, and science labs, as well as the occasional lake of molten rock.
%
All is dark and quiet. There is no sensation, no time. Your mind floats peacefully in a void. You perceive nothing, you feel nothing, you think nothing. Sleep without dreams.

All is hazy and gray. Sensation is vague and indistinct. Your mind
is sluggish, sleepy. You see gray shapes in a gray fog; you hear distant, muffled sounds. You think, but your thoughts are fleeting, disconnected, momentary flashes of light in a dark night. Time is still frames separated by eons of nothing, brief awakenings in a long sleep.

All is clear and sharp. Sensation crystalizes from a fog. You see, you hear, you feel. Your mind awakens; you become aware of a place, and a time.

You are on a boat.

You're in the main passenger compartment of a large luxury yacht.
Your seat, J-33, is a large, plush seat next to a window that occupies most of the wall. The boat is about half-filled with people of various ages and races, most dressed in casual clothes. A stairway leads up, and another compartment lies to the south.
You check your inventory
You are empty-handed.
About yourself
You look about the same as always.
You look through the window
It's quite dark outside, but a red glow on the horizon provides enough light to see that the boat is traveling rapidly down a wide river. You can't make out any detail on the banks. The waters of the river are dark and still below a thin film of mist, which the boat seems barely to upset.
You examine the seat
It's a large, plush seat, labeled J-33. It's a window seat.
Go south
You're in the yacht's wet bar. The only exit is north, back into
the main cabin.
A bartender is here.
You examine bartender
He's a middle-aged man with slightly graying hair.
You ask the bartender about the bar
"The drinks are all free. Beer, liquor -- we have a wide selection."
You give you a the beer
"Right away!" He gets out a large mug and fills it with beer from the tap. He hands you the glass.
You check your inventory
You have a mug of beer.
About yourself
You look about the same as always.
You drink the beer
You drink the mug of beer all at once. It's very good. You notice a slight alcoholic buzz, but it clears fairly quickly. After you finish, the glass vanishes into thin air.
You ask the bartender about the hell
"I kind of like it here."
You ask the bartender about the captain
"You can't go ask him yourself. He's happy to talk to passengers."
You read the note
This game is freeware. You may use and copy it free of charge, subject to certain restrictions. Please see the included readme file for details.

If you need instructions for playing this game, type INSTRUCTIONS at the > prompt.
You go east
You're in the boat's control room. A large window looks out onto
the river. A doorway leads west, back out onto the deck.
The boat's pilot is here, operating the controls.
You examine the pilot
The boat's pilot is here, operating the controls.
You ask the pilot about boat
"This is a very nice boat, don't you think? We used to use a small rowboat, but lots of people complained that the passage to the afterlife should be a little nicer. Besides, with more people dying these days, it was getting crowded."
You ask the pilot about the captain
"I was a programmer before I got here. But there's not much need for programming skills here, so I do this instead."
You examine captain
The boat's pilot is here, operating the controls.

The captain starts fiddling with the controls. "We're there," he
says. Outside, you can see a pier come into view on the western bank; the captain guides the boat silently alongside the pier and brings it to a halt. As the boat comes to rest against the pier, a gangway extends toward the boat, and settles on the deck.
"Attention, passengers," the captain says into a microphone. "We
have arrived. You may disembark at your leisure." You see a few passengers start to disembark.
You ask the pilot about the bartender
"The drinks at the bar are free. Help yourself! Just ask the bartender for a beer, liquor, what have you. But let me know if you see any of those Infernolab guys down there -- they always come running when they hear there's an open bar somewhere."
You ask the captain about the infernolab
"They're just a bunch of drunkards, if you ask me."
You ask the captain about the hell
"It's a little strange at first, but you'll get used to it."
You take the note
Taken.
Go west
You're on a large, brightly-lit pier. The pier is obviously quite
new; it's constructed from steel, and the walkway has a rubbery surface and attractive wooden handrails to make it safer. The large white yacht which brought you here is docked alongside; a gangway leads east onto the boat's deck. To the north lies the entrance to a large one-story brick building. The building has the look of a high school or a post office -- that sort of simple, utilitarian style of a government building.
You see a rope here.

[Your score just went up. If you don't want to be notified of score changes like this in the future, just type NOTIFY.]
You notify
You will no longer be notified of score changes. If you change your mind and want to be notified again, just type NOTIFY again.
You look at the rope
It's a thick rope, about ten feet long, for securing boats at the pier. One end of the rope is tied into a loop, so it can be slipped over posts on the pier.
You examine the building
The building has the look of a high school or a post office -- that sort of simple, utilitarian style of a government building.
You go north
This is a large room with a high ceiling, brightly illuminated with fluorescent lights. Most of your fellow passengers are here, sitting in folding chairs facing a podium; many empty chairs are available. An exit leads to the south, and another passage leads north.
You sit
(the folding chair)
As you sit down, a middle-aged woman enters the room and walks to the podium. "Good afternoon, everyone," she says, addressing the assembled group of passengers. "Welcome to the afterlife. I'm here to help you get started, give you basic information about the underworld, and answer any questions you have.
"Let me start by saying that we're very glad to have you here. Just take your time getting acquainted with your surroundings. There's no hurry -- you're going to be here for a long time!" She chuckles and smiles. "Seriously, though, I think you'll find that being dead isn't very hard once you find your way around.
"Now, once you've had a chance to explore for a while, you'll
probably want to find a job. There are many very interesting positions available, and we'll be happy to help you find something that's right for you.
"I'm sure you all have many questions, so don't be shy. Who's
first?"

Someone at the front of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you at the front," the woman says, pointing to her.
"Is this heaven or hell?" she asks.
The woman responds, "You know what they say -- if you have to ask
--" she chuckles. "It is technically hell, although that's such a loaded word that we don't like to use it. Most ideas people have about hell are very outdated. Ever since the deregulation of the afterlife industry, we've had to compete with Heaven for eternal souls -- because you're free to switch to Heaven at any time. So, we've been modernizing! There really isn't much eternal torment these days, for example. And, thanks to the Environmental Clean-up Superfund, we have the brimstone problem mostly under control at this point."
You ask the woman about the woman
Try as you might, you can't seem to attract her attention -- someone always gets in with a question first.

Someone in the middle of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you in the middle," the woman says, pointing to her.
"Can I go back to earth as a ghost and haunt people?" she asks.
The woman responds, "No, unfortunately not. However, our top scientists are working on this problem, and the latest reports indicate that it may be possible in the near future. Those of you with scientific backgrounds, in particular those of you who went to Caltech and really understand what makes a good prank, may want to look into joining the project."
You wait a while
Time passes...

Someone at the right of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you at the right," the woman says, pointing to her.
"I was wondering, where is the famous 'All hope abandon, ye who
enter here' sign? I want to get some pictures with it." she asks.
The woman responds, "Actually, the sign said 'Lasciate ogni
speranza, voi ch'entrate,' and I'm afraid it's been taken down. People found it too depressing. But there are several very nice vista points that you can find in the tour book."
You wait awhile
Time passes...

Someone at the left of the room raises his hand. "Yes, you at the left," the woman says, pointing to him.
"Which circle of hell are we doomed to?" he asks.
The woman responds, "We abolished the circle system shortly after
the middle ages after the 'separate and unequal' principle was ruled illegal. You're free to go wherever you'd like -- even up to Heaven."
Wait
Time passes...

Someone at the rear of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you at the rear," the woman says, pointing to her.
"Why did I end up here? What did I do wrong?" she asks.
The woman responds, "Really, you must shed your outdated notions of hell. You don't have to do anything wrong to end up here. New souls are randomly assigned to Heaven or Hell based on the last four digits of your Celestial Security Number. The Heaven-Hell border was opened a long time ago, though, so your initial assignment is not permanent."
You wait a while
Time passes...

Someone at the right of the room raises his hand. "Yes, you at the right," the woman says, pointing to him.
"You said we can go to Heaven. How do we get there?" he asks.
The woman responds, "The easiest way is to use the HadesCorp Space Needle. It's impossible to miss -- it's the tallest free-standing structure in hell. The view from the elevator is fantastic."
Wait
Time passes...

Someone at the left of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you at the left," the woman says, pointing to her.
"You mentioned jobs. What if I don't want to work?" she asks.
The woman responds, "That's up to you. Dead people have no material needs. And, unlike in real life, you'll find that you won't need to eat or sleep every forty or fifty turns, which is a real convenience. However, most people like to feel useful, and derive a sense of purpose from their employment here."
You wait
Time passes...

Someone in the middle of the room raises his hand. "Yes, you in the middle," the woman says, pointing to him.
"I used to work as a lobbyist. Are similar positions available
here?" he asks.
The woman responds, "Absolutely! However, you may find that there
are quite a few lobbyists in Hell, which will probably not surprise anyone. Incidentally, anyone interested in public affairs should tune in to H-SPAN, which broadcasts programs that cover a wide array of current events. I believe the station number is 319."
Wait
Time passes...

Someone at the rear of the room raises his hand. "Yes, you at the rear," the woman says, pointing to him.
"I'm a very rich individual and I refuse to be treated in this
manner. I've made charitable contributions all my life, and we've never beaten the help -- not when they didn't deserve it, anyway, the lazy bastards. This is an outrage! You can be sure you will be hearing from my lawyer! What do you have to say for yourself?" he asks.
The woman responds, "I'm sure you have a very good case. However,
I'm afraid that the legal system in Hell is based on the United States judicial system. So, as you must know, the courts are so overloaded with frivolous lawsuits that legitimate claims, such as yours undoubtedly is, cannot be accepted. Any lawsuit found to have merit is immediately and summarily dismissed. There are some very good personal injury lawyers that you might wish to contact, though."
You wait a while
Time passes...

Someone at the front of the room raises his hand. "Yes, you at the front," the woman says, pointing to him.
"I used to drive nitro-burning ground-pounding six-second funny
cars. Is there any chance that I'll be able to shake hands with the devil while I scream through the gates of Hell?" he asks.
The woman responds, "I'm afraid that, due to the volume of new immigrants, the devil is unable to personally greet each new arrival."
Look around
Briefing Room, on the folding chair
This is a large room with a high ceiling, brightly illuminated with fluorescent lights. Most of your fellow passengers are here, sitting in folding chairs facing a podium; many empty chairs are available. An exit leads to the south, and another passage leads north.
A woman is here.

Someone at the front of the room raises his hand. "Yes, you at the front," the woman says, pointing to him.
"Is this heaven or hell?" he asks.
The woman responds, "You know what they say -- if you have to ask
--" she chuckles. "It is technically hell, although that's such a loaded word that we don't like to use it. Most ideas people have about hell are very outdated. Ever since the deregulation of the afterlife industry, we've had to compete with Heaven for eternal souls -- because you're free to switch to Heaven at any time. So, we've been modernizing! There really isn't much eternal torment these days, for example. And, thanks to the Environmental Clean-up Superfund, we have the brimstone problem mostly under control at this point."
You look around
Briefing Room, on the folding chair
This is a large room with a high ceiling, brightly illuminated with fluorescent lights. Most of your fellow passengers are here, sitting in folding chairs facing a podium; many empty chairs are available. An exit leads to the south, and another passage leads north.
A woman is here.

Someone at the left of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you at the left," the woman says, pointing to her.
"Can I go back to earth as a ghost and haunt people?" she asks.
The woman responds, "No, unfortunately not. However, our top scientists are working on this problem, and the latest reports indicate that it may be possible in the near future. Those of you with scientific backgrounds, in particular those of you who went to Caltech and really understand what makes a good prank, may want to look into joining the project."
Wait
Time passes...

Someone at the rear of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you at the rear," the woman says, pointing to her.
"I was wondering, where is the famous 'All hope abandon, ye who
enter here' sign? I want to get some pictures with it." she asks.
The woman responds, "Actually, the sign said 'Lasciate ogni
speranza, voi ch'entrate,' and I'm afraid it's been taken down. People found it too depressing. But there are several very nice vista points that you can find in the tour book."
You stand
Okay, you're no longer on the folding chair.

Someone at the right of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you at the right," the woman says, pointing to her.
"Which circle of hell are we doomed to?" she asks.
The woman responds, "We abolished the circle system shortly after
the middle ages after the 'separate and unequal' principle was ruled illegal. You're free to go wherever you'd like -- even up to Heaven."
Go north
You're in a large courtyard surrounded by buildings. To the south
is the Immigration Building, to the east is the Department of Motor Vehicles, and to the west is a Celestial Security office. An archway leads out of the courtyard to the north. In the center of the courtyard is a vending machine.
You look at the machine
It looks similar to a soft-drink vending machine, but it's labeled "Space Needle Tickets". It has a slot labeled "20 Hellmids", and a small receptacle.
Go east
You're in a very large, very drab room. In the center of the room
is a long counter that runs the length of the room. As is typical of such facilities, there is a customer at almost every window, and practically no employees to be seen behind the counter. In fact, the only employee in sight is standing at a window with no customers, looking bored. The exit is to the west.
A DMV official is here.

You walk over to the window where the employee is standing.

The DMV employee says, "Let's see your appointment card. Service is by appointment only."
You examine the official
She's a middle-aged woman. She looks profoundly disinterested in being here.

The DMV employee says, "Let's see your appointment card. Service is by appointment only."

"It's against policy to answer questions."

The DMV employee says, "Let's see your appointment card. Service is by appointment only."
You ask official about the appointment
"It's against policy to answer questions."

The DMV employee says, "Let's see your appointment card. Service is by appointment only."
You check your inventory
You have a printed note and a rope.

The DMV employee says, "Let's see your appointment card. Service is by appointment only."
Go west
You're in the Celestial Security Office. At one end of the room is
a counter, and next to the counter is a wastebasket that's full of crumpled up paper. The exit is to the east, and a door behind the counter leads west.
Behind the counter is a middle-aged man dressed in a light blue Celestial Security Administration uniform. You're relieved to see that there's only one person in line. You were afraid that the line would be longer, with so many new people arriving at the same time you did, but this will obviously take no time.
The Celestial Security officer notices you enter, and looks up at
you. "I'll be right with you, after I finish with this applicant," he says.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "What is your middle initial?" The woman replies, "G." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
You examine the wastebasket
In the waste basket you see some waste paper.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "What was your date of birth?" The woman replies, "Um, November 12, 1959." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
You search the wastebasket
In the waste basket you see some waste paper.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "And your date of death?" The woman replies, "June 23, 2013." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
You take the paper
The Celestial Security officer doesn't let you. "Those contain private information," he scolds you. "Besides, we recycle all of our paper. We're trying to be environmentally conscious."

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Do you have any deceased dependents?" The woman replies, "No." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
You take the waste
The Celestial Security officer doesn't let you. "Those contain private information," he scolds you. "Besides, we recycle all of our paper. We're trying to be environmentally conscious."

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Do you wear any prescription eyewear?" The woman replies, "No." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
You search the waste paper
You find nothing of interest.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "What is your IQ?" The woman replies, "I'm not sure." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
You read waste paper
The waste basket is full of crumpled-up application forms, evidently discarded due to errors made in preparation.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "How many fingers am I holding up?" The woman replies, "Three." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
You examine the woman
She looks to be in her mid-thirties.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Do you know your blood pressure?" The woman replies, "130 over 70." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
You go north
You're in the center of Hell's business district. To the north is
an extremely tall tower, which reaches up into the sky; the top is lost in mist high above. An archway leads south. You can go down the street to the east and west.
You examine the tower
The tower is extremely tall. You can see its lighted windows high above, disappearing into the dark mist of the sky above. The words "HadesCorp Space Needle" are engraved in large letters above the entrance.
Go north
You're in a gigantic, imposing lobby. The ceiling is at least five stories above; the dark granite walls are adorned with strange gargoyles looking down on you from high overhead. The exit out to the street is to the south.
An elevator is to the north. The elevator doors are open.
You examine the gargoyles
They look like unusual gargoyles to me.
Go north
You're in a large, ornate elevator. The walls are tiled with gold panels decorated with an intricate pattern of interweaved lines, resembling vines; the floor is covered with deep, plush carpeting; and hanging from the ceiling is a chandelier with thousands of tiny lights. The open door leads south, back out into the lobby.
An old, white-bearded man wearing a white robe is standing in the corner of the elevator near the controls. He is evidently the elevator operator.
You ask the man about the elevator
He points to a small sign: "For safety reasons, please do not talk to operator unnecessarily."
You look at the chandelier
It looks like an ordinary chandelier to me.
Up
"Ticket, please."
You attack man
What do you want to attack it with?
You look at the man
He looks quite old, and seems very energetic, especially given what you think must be a boring job.
You go to the east
You're on a street in downtown Hell. To the south is the entrance
to a large low-rise building labeled "Infernolab," and to the north is the fortress-like Bank of Hell. The street continues east and west. A narrow alley leads alongside the Infernolab building to the southwest.
You go south
You're in a lobby, decorated with a very high-tech look: the walls
are brushed stainless steel; the illumination is provided by black track lighting suspended from an intricate network of black metal railing; the furniture is black and angular. Along the far wall, spelled out in four-foot-high Helvetica Medium Extended letters carved from granite, is the word:

In the center of the lobby is a huge black leather couch, and a low black marble coffee table. A hallway leads east, and an exit leads north, back out to the street.
A pair of maintenance workers in white overalls walks in from the
east. One is carrying a toolbox, and the other is carrying a light bulb and a sheet of paper.
"Let's see," says the one carrying the sheet of paper, carefully reading it. "The trouble ticket says that bulb number 47 has blown again." He looks up at the track lighting. "Damn! We forgot the ladder!"
"No need," says the other. He sets his toolbox on the coffee table, then climbs up onto the table. "I can reach number 47 from here," he says. He reaches up and unscrews one of the bulbs, then lays it on top of the railing. "Hand me that new bulb," he says. The other worker hands him the bulb, and he screws it into the socket. As he's screwing it in, a huge flash of light suddenly erupts from the socket, followed by a shower of glass. The flash of light is quickly replaced by a cloud of smoke, and flames engulf the worker. He jumps off of the table, his clothes in flames, screaming and flailing his arms, and runs out into the street. The other worker shrugs and disappears down the hall.
Sitting on the marble coffee table is a toolbox. Sitting on the
black metal railing is a dead light bulb.
You get all
toolbox: Taken.
dead light bulb: You can't reach it from here; it's up in the railing.
You examine the toolbox
It's a gray metal toolbox. The toolbox is closed.
You open the toolbox
It's locked.
You stand on the table
You climb up onto the coffee table. It makes a pretty good platform -- you can reach the railing from here.
You examine the bulb
It's a dead light bulb. It seems slightly charred inside.
You climb the railing
With a little effort, you manage to climb up into the rails.

You're crouching in the intricate network of rails above the lobby floor. You can't stand up, because the ceiling is only a few feet above the top of the rails, but there's plenty of room to move around. You can go down, back to the lobby floor.
In the ceiling, you notice an access panel. The panel is currently closed.

[Your score just went up.]
You open the panel
Opened.
You look at the panel
It's open.
You look around
You're crouching in the intricate network of rails above the lobby floor. You can't stand up, because the ceiling is only a few feet above the top of the rails, but there's plenty of room to move around. You can go down, back to the lobby floor.
In the ceiling, you notice an access panel. The panel is currently open.
You enter the panel
You're in a maintenance crawlway. It's cramped, but you can easily move around on your hands and knees. The crawlway continues to the north and south; you can also climb down through a hole in the floor.
Go south
Crawlway, at T
You're at a "T" intersection between a crawlway that continues off
to the north, and an east-west crawlway.
Go east
You're at the east end of a crawlway. There's a small access panel
in the floor (which is currently closed), although it's too small for you to go through.
You look through it
Through the hole, you can see a room below. The room seems to consist of a series of small cubicles, each separated by a six-foot-high partition. Each cubicle contains a chair and a desk. In most of the cubicles, a person is occupying the chair.
South of the cubicles is a large, white room, in which a number of people in white labcoats are moving about, consulting with one another and writing notes on the clipboards they're carrying.
You go west
Crawlway, at T
You go to the west
You're at the west end of a crawlway. Large metal pipes run along
the walls. The crawlway continues to the east.
One of the pipes ends here. The end of the pipe is not connected to anything at all; you assume it's being left for future expansion. Just before the end of the pipe is a valve, evidently to cut off the flow of whatever the pipe carries until something is attached here. The valve is currently closed.
You open valve
You turn the wheel, opening the valve. As you do, the pipe starts hissing, and you smell natural gas pouring out of the pipe.

You hear gas continuing to pour out of the pipe. The odor of gas is growing stronger.
Close pipe
I don't know how to close the pipe.

You hear gas continuing to pour out of the pipe. The odor of gas is growing stronger.
Close valve
You close the valve. The gas slowly dissipates.
Go north
You're at the north end of a crawlway. The only way to crawl out is
to the south.
Look around
You're in a lobby, decorated with a very high-tech look: the walls
are brushed stainless steel; the illumination is provided by black track lighting suspended from an intricate network of black metal railing; the furniture is black and angular. Along the far wall, spelled out in four-foot-high Helvetica Medium Extended letters carved from granite, is the word:

In the center of the lobby is a huge black leather couch, and a low black marble coffee table. A hallway leads east, and an exit leads north, back out to the street.
You look at the couch
The couch is very large. It's upholstered in black leather, and has a shiny chrome frame. There's nothing on the couch.
Go east
You're in a hallway that leads east and west. All along the south
wall are closely-spaced doors; all of the doors are closed, except for one. The hall continues to the east.
Go south
You're in a small cubicle, bordered on the east and west by six-foot-high partitions, and on the south by a desk. There's a chair that occupies most of the rest of the space. A door is to the north; the door is open.
On the other side of the desk is a very large, bright white room. Several men and women are walking about the room, consulting with each other; each is wearing a long white lab coat, and carrying a black metal clipboard stuffed with papers. Overhead, you notice a small opening in the ceiling.
As you enter, one of the women in labcoats walks over to you. "Ah,
you must be subject 32," she says with a bit of impatience in her voice. "Everyone else is ready to begin. Now, if you'd take your seat, we could proceed with the experiment." She walks back toward the center of the room and confers with another of the scientists.
You go to the east
You're at the east end of a long hallway. To the east is a closed door. Next to the door is a slot; a small red light is above the slot. The hall continues back to the west.
You look at the door
It's a sliding metal door. It's currently closed.
Go north
You're in the cavernous interior of the main office of the Bank of Hell. The style is very 19th Century: the building itself is made of granite blocks; huge oak desks with dark green and burgundy leather armchairs are arranged in neat rows behind the counter that runs the width of the room; and dozens of tellers dressed in dark pinstripe vests and bow ties stand behind the counter, each at a window with a stack of papers and a green banker's light, waiting on a customer.
The exit is to the south.

One of the tellers waves you over to his window. "Can I help you?" he asks.

The teller looks at you expectantly.
You examine teller
He looks to be in his early thirties. Like all the other tellers, he's dressed in a pin-stripe vest, white shirt, and bow tie.

The teller looks at you expectantly.
You ask the teller about Bank
He seems more interested in discussing bank business.

The teller looks at you expectantly.
You ask teller about 319
I don't know how to ask anything about the number 319.

The teller looks at you expectantly.
You ask teller about the withdrawal
I don't know the word "business".

I don't know the word "withdrawal".
You go to the southwest
You're in an alley between two large low-rise buildings, one to the east and one to the west. The alley dead-ends to the south; you can go out to the north.
At the south end of the alley is a large dumpster.
You look at the dumpster
It's a really large, very smelly dumpster. Over the edge of the dumpster, you can see a pair of flippers sticking up. Unfortunately, you can't quite reach them from here.
You drop the toolbox
Dropped.
You take the toolbox
Taken.
You examine the flippers
They're sticking up out of the trash in the dumpster. You can't quite reach them from here.
You take the flippers with the rope
All you can manage to do is push them away from you. You'll have to get into the dumpster somehow.
You climb the dumpster
It's too high to climb into.
You examine Building
It's just a building.
Go north
A man whose clothes are on fire is running around in circles, flailing his arms and screaming. He runs off to the west.
You go east
You're in a sparsely-populated rural area east of town. The road
leads west into the city, but ends here; to the east is an open field; you can also go south, where the terrain becomes rocky and hilly. A small farmhouse lies to the north.
Go north
You're in a small, deserted, one-room farmhouse. The building is
very old and rickety, and all the paint has long since peeled off the walls. You can go through doors to the south and east.
You see a portable radio here.
Unlock toolbox
What do you want to unlock it with?
You turn on the radio
The radio is now turned on.

The radio plays annoying heavy metal music.
You examine the radio
It's a HadesCorp WaveMaster 2000 portable transistor radio. It has a dial that lets you set the frequency, and a switch for turning the radio on and off (the switch is currently in the on position). On the back is a small compartment.

On the radio, an annoying heavy metal deejay talks about a radio contest.
You turn the radio dial
What do you want to turn it to?
319
Okay, it's now turned to 319.

A man on the radio says, "Many drivers find it very confusing that every type of zone has its own speed limit. No two zones have the same speed limit. In addition, there are too many types of zones -- we have School Zones, Hospital Zones, Library Zones, Residential Zones, and Freeway Zones. This is more than we need."
You go east
You're in a large yard outside an old, abandoned barn. The area is overgrown with weeds; it obviously hasn't been used in many years. A rusty old wellhead sticks out of the weeds; a large metal bucket is hanging from the well. The farmhouse is to the west, and the entrance to the barn is to the north.

A woman on the radio says, "I believe that both Hospital Zones and 43 mile-per-hour zones need to be reconsidered."
You take all
bucket: Taken.

A man on the radio says, "Possibly, but I think it's a much more pressing problem that the color of speed limit signs in School Zones is blue."
You take the bucket
You already have the bucket!

The woman on the radio responds, "What color would you suggest? Green is already taken by 59 mile-per-hour zones."
Wait
Time passes...

On the radio, a second woman enters the conversation. "Yes, but both School Zones and 27 mile-per-hour zones have large signs, while Library Zones -- not to mention 43 mile-per-hour zones -- have only medium-sized signs. It doesn't seem appropriate somehow."
You look at the bucket
It's an old rusty metal bucket. It's empty.

The man on the radio says, "Now I've forgotten -- is the speed limit in a residental zone 17 or 23 miles per hour?"
You examine well
It's a hand-pumped well. It has a long lever, and a spout. The pump looks very old and corroded.

The first woman on the radio says, "I can't remember, but I know that either School Zones or Hospital Zones are 23 miles per hour."
You search weeds
You find nothing of interest.

A man on the radio says, "Do you swear to uphold the procedures and policies of the Ministry of Information, to use appropriate rubber stamps on all forms, and to completely and accurately fill in all parts of forms marked Office Use Only and/or Do Not Write Above and/or Below Line?"
You go to the north
You're in an old, rickety barn. The area smells of rotting wood and damp decay. The usual farm implements are scattered around the barn:
a pitchfork stuck into a bale of hay, several stalls for horses.
In the center of the barn is a small single-engine airplane. It's
an open-cockpit, high-wing tail-dragger. It's painted a faded yellow. The exit is to the south.

Someone on the radio says, "I do."
You examine the airplane
It's a tail-dragger with an open cockpit. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like there's any hope that it can be made to work; the engine looks dismantled and corroded. It looks like you could get in the plane if you wanted, though.

Someone on the radio says, "I do."
You enter it
You're in the cockpit of a very old airplane. From here, you can
see just how hopeless it would be to try to get it flying: the control stick has been removed, leaving a gaping hole in the floor, and the airframe is quite rotted.
Even the seat has been removed. At the rear of the cockpit area is
a large compartment, which is closed.

Someone on the radio says, "I do."
You open compartment
Which compartment do you mean, the radio compartment, or the storage compartment?
Storage
It's jammed shut; you'll need to get something to pry it open with.

Someone on the radio says, "I do."
Go outside
Someone on the radio says, "I do."
You examine the pitchfork
It has a handle about five feet long, and three sharp metal prongs space about six inches apart.

Someone on the radio says, "I do."
You take it
Taken. Now all you need is some horns and a pointy tail, and you'd own this place!

Someone on the radio says, "I do."
You enter the stall
Why? Hoping to return as a horse in your next life?

A man on the radio says, "Many drivers find it very confusing that every type of zone has its own speed limit. No two zones have the same speed limit. In addition, there are too many types of zones -- we have School Zones, Hospital Zones, Library Zones, Residential Zones, and Freeway Zones. This is more than we need."
You check your inventory
You have a printed note, a rope, a dead light bulb, a toolbox, a portable radio, a bucket, and a pitchfork.

A woman on the radio says, "I believe that both Hospital Zones and 43 mile-per-hour zones need to be reconsidered."
Go upwards
You can't go that way.

A man on the radio says, "Possibly, but I think it's a much more pressing problem that the color of speed limit signs in School Zones is blue."
Go south
The woman on the radio responds, "What color would you suggest? Green is already taken by 59 mile-per-hour zones."
Go west
On the radio, a second woman enters the conversation. "Yes, but both School Zones and 27 mile-per-hour zones have large signs, while Library Zones -- not to mention 43 mile-per-hour zones -- have only medium-sized signs. It doesn't seem appropriate somehow."
You go to the south
The man on the radio says, "Now I've forgotten -- is the speed limit in a residental zone 17 or 23 miles per hour?"
You go to the east
You're in a large, open field. The ground is peppered with clumps
of scrubby grass. A road lies to the west. You can see a tall mountain range in the distance to the southeast.
There's a large jackrabbit hopping around, foraging for food.

The first woman on the radio says, "I can't remember, but I know that either School Zones or Hospital Zones are 23 miles per hour."

The rabbit hops around the field.
You look at the mountains
You can't make out much detail from this distance. The tallest point, to the southeast, looks like a volcano.

A man on the radio says, "Do you swear to uphold the procedures and policies of the Ministry of Information, to use appropriate rubber stamps on all forms, and to completely and accurately fill in all parts of forms marked Office Use Only and/or Do Not Write Above and/or Below Line?"

The rabbit hops around the field.
You examine the grass
It's brown and looks very tough.

Someone on the radio says, "I do."

The rabbit hops around the field.
Go southeast
There's nothing in that direction except more of the same empty field.

Someone on the radio says, "I do."

The rabbit hops around the field.
You look at the volcano
You can't make out much detail from this distance. The tallest point, to the southeast, looks like a volcano.

Someone on the radio says, "I do."

The rabbit hops around the field.
Go south
You're on a gently sloping, rocky hillside at the base of a tall mountain. The granite surface of the hillside hosts no vegetation. Looming high above to the east is the steep cone of a volcano; clouds of dark smoke rise steadily above the cone. You can climb into the mountains to the east, and you can also go north, back to the road.

Someone on the radio says, "I do."
You examine the volcano
It's hard to see much, thanks to all of the steam and dust rising out of the cauldron, but you can see quite a lot of red-hot, glowing, molten rock.

A man on the radio says, "Many drivers find it very confusing that every type of zone has its own speed limit. No two zones have the same speed limit. In addition, there are too many types of zones -- we have School Zones, Hospital Zones, Library Zones, Residential Zones, and Freeway Zones. This is more than we need."
Go south
You're in a large, cylindrical cave with smooth, black walls.
Running through the south end of the cave is a wide, swiftly-flowing river of lava, which flows downhill to the east. The lava pours in through an orifice in the western wall. An exit leads back outside to the north.

A man on the radio says, "Possibly, but I think it's a much more pressing problem that the color of speed limit signs in School Zones is blue."
Go south
The searing heat of the lava shoots through your body, making you try desperately to escape the river. As you flail around, though, you start to realize that the lava isn't harming you, despite the intense pain. As you start to get used to the blistering heat, you notice that you're being swept rapidly downstream...

The river of lava is flowing swiftly downhill to the east.

The lava flow starts to carry you downstream.

The woman on the radio responds, "What color would you suggest? Green is already taken by 59 mile-per-hour zones."
Look around
The river of lava is flowing swiftly downhill to the east.

The swift river of lava sweeps you downstream to the east.

The river of lava turns from east to south here.

On the radio, a second woman enters the conversation. "Yes, but both School Zones and 27 mile-per-hour zones have large signs, while Library Zones -- not to mention 43 mile-per-hour zones -- have only medium-sized signs. It doesn't seem appropriate somehow."
You wait for a while
Time passes...

You're carried rapidly to the south by the flowing lava.

The river of lava is flowing through the cave swiftly to the south.
To the west is a shore that appears to open into a cave. The cave has many stalagmites sticking up from its floor; one particularly large stalagmite right on the shore -- only about ten feet away from you -- is at least three feet tall.
There's a faint light downstream, and you hear a loud rushing noise from the south.

The man on the radio says, "Now I've forgotten -- is the speed limit in a residental zone 17 or 23 miles per hour?"
You throw the rope at the stalagmite
You're up to your ears in lava. You can't manage to throw the rope while submerged like this.

The lava sweeps you along to the south.

The cave abruptly opens into the night sky, and you realize that
you're at the top of a cliff. The lava is pouring over the edge of the cliff and falling hundreds of feet down the side of the mountain below.

The first woman on the radio says, "I can't remember, but I know that either School Zones or Hospital Zones are 23 miles per hour."
You turn off the radio
The radio is now turned off.

Before you can do anything, the river carries you over the edge of the lavafall. You fall and fall, tumbling and flailing your arms and legs, catching a glimpse of the bottom of the lavafall lost in the rocks far below. Suddenly, you hit something, and your fall stops abruptly.

You're on a ledge just west of, and halfway up, a huge lavafall.
The lava pours down with a deafening rumbling sound. The narrow ledge seems to continue to the northwest.
Go northwest
You're on a narrow ledge high up on the mountainside. The ledge continues to the southeast and northwest.
You go northwest
You walk carefully along the ledge, but you suddenly hit a loose spot. You try to maintain your footing, but the rock crumbles under you, and you go sliding down the mountainside. You finally stop falling, and you find yourself on a rocky hillside you've seen before.
You look around
You're fairly high up on the side of the mountain -- you'd guess
that you're around two thousand feet up. (Have you noticed that they use the English system of measurements in Hell? What else would you expect?)  You can go down the mountain to the west, and the volcano's cone looms above to the east. A small opening appears to lead into a cave to the south. You can also travel along a path to the north, and a narrow passage to the southeast.
You have an excellent view of Hell from here. The tall buildings downtown all seem tiny from this distance and altitude, except for the Tower -- even from here, you can't see the top. The Tower looks like a thin, gleaming string stretching from the ground up into the dark sky. As your eyes follow the Tower up into the sky, you realize that you're high enough above the surface now that you can see stars above -- so many stars, all so bright, that it's quite well lit here.
You go north
You're on the shore of a beautiful clear blue mountain lake. The
lake is huge -- it looks like it's almost a mile across. The water is very still and clear. The lake is circled by high cliffs, except here, where you could easily wade into the water. A path leads south.
Swim
(the lake water)
Swimming on the lake
You're swimming on the lake. The shore is to the west. A rocky
ledge to the north prevents travel in that direction, but you can go east or south.
You didn't notice from the shore, but there seems to be a very
strong undertow pulling you underwater.

You try to fight the undertow, but it's just too strong. It drags you underwater.

You're underwater in the lake. To the north is a rocky wall, but there's an opening that could be the mouth of a cave. The rocky wall of the shore is to the west, but you can go east and south. You are well below the surface, but the lake floor is still a ways below.
You go to the north
You try to swim against the undertow, but the current drags you down.

The undertow drags you down, away from the cave.

You're deep underwater, just above the rocky bottom of the lake.
The water is swirling violently around a depression in the rocky floor -- you realize that it's a whirlpool!
You fill the bucket
What do you want to fill it with?
You examine the thicket
It looks like an ordinary thicket to me.
You enter the river
Which river do you mean, the river, or the river?
Swim
What do you want to swim in?
You go north
You're on the west bank of a river. The water pours rapidly over
huge rocks in the river. A bridge crosses the river to the east. A narrow path climbs steeply up the hill to the northwest, and you can follow the river to the south.
You examine the bridge
The bridge crosses the river to the east.
Go east
You're at the center of a bridge that travels east and west across a raging rapids below.
There's a large hairy Troll standing in the center of the bridge, blocking your way.

The Troll watches you suspiciously.
You examine troll
It's a huge beast, standing ten feet high, covered with bristly black hair and wielding a double-edged axe.

The Troll watches you suspiciously.
You ask Troll about the bridge
The Troll doesn't appear to speak your language. Your questions just seem to agitate it.

The Troll watches you suspiciously.
You examine the axe
It looks viscous. You wouldn't want to be caught along its line of travel, especially when wielded by the Troll.

The Troll watches you suspiciously.
You go east
The troll blocks your path.

The Troll watches you suspiciously.
You go northwest
You're on a path that climbs up a sheer cliff face. The path goes
down to the river to the southeast, and climbs steeply to the southwest.
You go to the southwest
You're on a steeply climbing path near the top of a cliff. The path descends to the northeast, and continues to the west.
You go west
You're in a narrow passage among the rocks. You can squeeze through
to the east and northwest.
Go downwards
The terrain is too rocky that way.
You go west
You're on a quiet, pleasant suburban street to the west of the city. Somehow, you always knew there would be suburbs in hell. The street is lined with the type of tract housing they built copiously in California in the 1950's: one-story buildings with flat roofs, horizontal lines, lots of windows, and poor construction quality. A drab, faded blue-green house lies to the south, and a mini-mall lies to the north. The street leads east back into the city. To the west, the street fades to a gravel path.

A man whose clothes are on fire is running around in circles, flailing his arms and screaming. He runs off to the east.
Go east
You're in the center of Hell's business district. To the north is
an extremely tall tower, which reaches up into the sky; the top is lost in mist high above. An archway leads south. You can go down the street to the east and west.

A man whose clothes are on fire is running around in circles, flailing his arms and screaming.
You throw the water on the man
You pour the water onto the burning man, and the flames are immediately extinguished. He looks dazed for a moment, then sees that you're the kind person that did the good deed. "Hey!" he shouts at you. "What did you do that for? Now I've got to go back to work!"
He fumbles through his pockets. As he does, you notice a small
metal object drop to the ground. He eventually finds a matchbook in his pocket, and strikes a match; he tries to get his clothes burning again, but they're too wet. "Oh, well, it's no use," he says, and stomps away.

[Your score just went up.]
You unlock the toolbox with the key
Unlocked.
You read the yellow note
It's a small piece of yellow paper, with nothing written on it except a series of numbers: 6-24-10.
You open storage with the crowbar
You jam the crowbar under the compartment door and start prying. After a few moments, you hear a loud snap, and the door pops open. Opening the storage compartment reveals a parachute.

[Your score just went up.]
Go north
You're in the parking lot of a suburban mini-mall. The street is to the south. To the east is a store labeled "Just Mirrors", and to the west is The Amulette Shoppe.
Go east
You're inside Just Mirrors, which seems to sell just mirrors. Lots
of mirrors are available for sale. The shopkeeper seems to be a sullen teen, sitting behind the counter trying hard to ignore you. The exit is to the west.

The teenager taps his fingers nervously on the counter and tries to avoid eye contact with you.
You take the mirror
You can't afford any of these mirrors.

The teenager taps his fingers nervously on the counter and tries to avoid eye contact with you.
You ask the teenager about the mirror
He ignores you.

The teenager taps his fingers nervously on the counter and tries to avoid eye contact with you.
Break mirrors
You'll have to tell me how to do that.

The teenager taps his fingers nervously on the counter and tries to avoid eye contact with you.
You hit the teenager with the crowbar
Attacking the sullen teen doesn't appear productive.

The teenager taps his fingers nervously on the counter and tries to avoid eye contact with you.
You examine the counter
There's nothing on the counter.

The teenager taps his fingers nervously on the counter and tries to avoid eye contact with you.
You look behind the counter
There's nothing behind the counter.

The teenager taps his fingers nervously on the counter and tries to avoid eye contact with you.
You buy the mirror
I don't know how to buy the mirror.

The teenager taps his fingers nervously on the counter and tries to avoid eye contact with you.
You ask the shopkeeper about the amulets
"I have a very nice selection of authentic reproductions of actual amulets. Of course, these amulets don't have the magical protective powers of the real amulets, but they make very nice jewelry."
You look at the amulet
The display cases contain a number of different amulets. Most look like they're to be worn around the neck: one is a big gold disk with complex etchings; a second one is a clear, light blue jewel stone; a third is an ivory carving of a boat. Some look like other types of jewelry: one is a simple silver ring, and another is a bracelet.
You look at what you're carrying with you
You have a printed note, a rope, a dead light bulb, a toolbox, a portable radio, a bucket, a pitchfork, a small metal key, and a parachute (being worn). The toolbox seems to contain a crowbar and a yellow note.
You examine disk
It's a large gold disk with complex etchings. The pattern of etchings resembles a starburst: a central circle with lines radiating. The disk is attached to a gold chain, for wearing the amulet around the neck.
You ask the shopkeeper about the disk
"This is a replica of an amulet that is said to provide protection against great heat. I think the story is that it resembles the Sun, which is the source of all heat. This one's been sold."
You ask the shopkeeper about the blue jewel
"This is a very nice jewel, don't you think? The amulet that it's based upon supposedly provides protection against extreme cold. The jewel looks a little like a block of ice, you see. This one's been sold."
You ask the shopkeeper about the boat
"This is real ivory, which is very hard to find these days. The original amulet was said to provide protection against sickness. I think the idea is that you might become ill in a rowboat. This one's been sold."
You ask the shopkeeper about the ring
"This was is supposed to provide protection against blinding light.
I'm not sure why it's a ring. This one's been sold."
You ask the shopkeeper about the bracelet
"The original amulet upon which this is based is said to provide protection against deafening sound. This one's been sold."
You go south
You're in the poorly-tended, mostly dead yard of a house that lies
to the south. Now that you're closer to the house, you can see just how poorly built the house really is: the primary building material seems to be cardboard stapled onto a rotting wooden frame. The cardboard is ill-fitting and poorly aligned, leaving large gaps here and there. You can enter the house to the south, and you can leave the yard to the north.
Go south
As you start to open the door, you suddenly realize that it was locked. However, the construction quality of the house is so poor that the door pops open anyway.

You're in an old, dilapidated kitchen. The appliances are all
ancient and appear to be in poor condition; the linoleum floor has large gashes here and there where the plastic is curled back. There's a sink, with a small cabinet underneath. An exit leads north out into the yard, and passages lead west and south.
You see a paper recycling bin here.
You examine bin
It's a blue plastic bin, labeled "Paper", with the familiar recycling symbol underneath. There's nothing in the paper recycling bin.
You examine the sink
It looks like an ordinary sink to me.
You open the cabinet
Opening the cabinet reveals a pair of rubber gloves.
You examine the gloves
It looks like an ordinary pair of rubber gloves to me.
You go to the west
You're in the dining room, which isn't really a separate room but
just the northwest corner of the living room. A table dominates the area. A six-foot partition separates the dining room and living room from the kitchen, which is to the east (evidently, building a wall all the way up to the ceiling would have been too expensive). The living room lies to the south.
Sitting on the table is some junk mail.
You read the mail
It's one of those obvious pieces of junk mail that's been made up to look like something important, with phrases such as "Extremely Urgent!" and "Dated Material!" and "Super-Express-Gram" stamped on the outside, but addressed to "Resident (Deceased)". The letter reads:

Hello, Decedent!

Are you tired of the banality of everyday death in Hell? Have you been to Heaven, but couldn't stand the boring "cultural" activities? Do you long for the danger and excitement that you had when you were alive?

Then join the Hades Explorers' Society!

In the HES, we go to the parts of the underworld that ordinary people have never heard of, and we perform amazing feats that others wouldn't dream of, then we get together in our luxurious clubhouse and exchange stories over fine imported cognac and brandy.

Because of your excellent credit history, you're PRE-APPROVED for membership in the HES. All you need to do is to bring the enclosed Certificate of Invitation to our Headquarters.

As far as we're concerned, you're as good as joined. However, there's one catch. The way to our headquarters is guarded by an evil Troll. The Troll will let none pass except for card-carrying members of the HES, or those who the Troll believes are worthy of membership. The Troll unfortunately does not read, so the enclosed certificate will not help you. Instead, you must prove yourself an accomplished Adventurer by bringing the Troll a great treasure. For this we can offer you no guidance, but if you are truly an Adventurer, you will be up to the quest.

Good luck! We look forward to welcoming you!

A piece of paper that was attached to the letter falls out onto the table. You see that it's the Certificate of Invitation.
You look at the table
On the table you see some junk mail.
Go south
You're in the living room, which is long and narrow, with a brick fireplace on the south wall; next to the fireplace is a tool holder. A six-foot partition to the north separates the living room and kitchen. The northwest corner of the room serves as the dining room. A hallway leads east.
You read Certificate
It's an elaborate certificate, personalized in frilly script letters for "BEARER", certifying that the named individual has been pre-approved for membership in the Hades Explorers' Society and all of the privileges and responsibilities pertaining thereunto.
You examine holder
It's a black metal caddy for holding fireplace tools. It has space for three specific tools. In the fireplace tool holder you see a poker, a brush, and a shovel.
You examine the poker
It's a black wrought-iron fireplace poker. It's about half an inch in diameter, and a couple of feet long.
You examine the brush
It's a black brush with a two-foot metal handle, useful for sweeping ashes out of a fireplace.
You look at the shovel
It's a small black shovel with a two-foot metal handle, useful for collecting ashes out of a fireplace.
You take all from the holder
poker: Taken.
brush: Taken.
shovel: Taken.
You go to the east
You're in a short hallway connecting the bedrooms to the living room and kitchen area. The kitchen lies to the north, the living room is to the west, and the hall continues to the east.
You go east
You're at the east end of the hall. Bedrooms are to the east and south, and a bathroom is to the north. The hall continues to the west.
You go to the east
You're in a large bedroom that's set up as an office. In the center
of the room is a large desk, on which is a personal computer and a big pile of paper.
The hallway lies to the west.
Sitting on the desk is a pencil sharpener, a bag of Cheese-Doodles,
and an empty can of ToxiCola.
A programmer is sitting in front of the computer, looking at a screenful of C code.

The programmer looks pensively at the screen.
You look at the programmer
You can tell just looking at him that he does nothing but program all day: he looks pale, even for a dead guy, and he's dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, the canonical uniform of the software developer. Clipped to one of his pockets is a small plastic card.

The programmer looks pensively at the screen.
You look at the card
You can't get a very good look (not without being impolite, at least). You can see "INFERNOLAB" spelled out in large letters.

The programmer makes a few notes on some scratch paper.
You look at the notes
There's pieces of scratch paper spread out all over the desk, except for the half of the desk occupied by the computer. Some of the pieces have a bunch of hex numbers with little arrows next to them; others have strange maps consisting of little squares (each with a label such as "Hall East") connected by lines, and others have lists with about half of the items crossed off and the other half squeezed into the last inch at the top of the page.

The programmer looks pensively at the screen.
You examine the screen
It's a personal computer with the traditional accoutrements: mouse, keyboard, monitor, and system CPU unit. The screen is displaying a bunch of C code.

The programmer types a bunch of code into the computer.
You examine the code
It doesn't shed much light on what to do next.

The programmer makes a few notes on some scratch paper.
You read the card
I don't know how to read the ID card.

The programmer makes a few notes on some scratch paper.
You ask the programmer for the card
I don't think the programmer could give that to you.

The programmer looks pensively at the screen.
You take the card
The programmer is carrying the ID card and won't let you have it.

The programmer looks pensively at the screen.
You read code
It doesn't shed much light on what to do next.

The programmer types a bunch of code into the computer.
You examine the sharpener
It's an electric pencil sharpener. It has a pencil-sized hole on one end. There's also a small compartment (which is closed).

The programmer looks pensively at the screen.
You open compartment
Which compartment do you mean, the radio compartment, or the sharpener compartment?
Sharpener
Opening the sharpener compartment reveals an Infern-O-Vac battery.

The programmer looks pensively at the screen.
You examine the battery
It's an Infern-O-Vac type HH battery.

The programmer types a bunch of code into the computer.
You ask the programmer about the code
"I'd love to chat, but I'm busy."

The programmer types a bunch of code into the computer.
You take the sharpener
Taken.

The programmer makes a few notes on some scratch paper.
You look at the desk
It's a very large desk, perhaps six feet wide by three feet deep, made from dark wood and done in Danish Modern style. One half of the desk is occupied by a computer, and most of the rest of the desk is covered with papers. The desk has a drawer, which is closed. On the desk you see a bag of Cheese-Doodles and an empty can of ToxiCola.

The programmer makes a few notes on some scratch paper.
You open the drawer
The programmer stops you. "Hey! Leave that alone! What do you think? That this is your own private hell?"

The programmer makes a few notes on some scratch paper.
You examine the doodles
There's nothing in the bag of Cheese-Doodles.

The programmer types a bunch of code into the computer.
You look at the can
It looks like an ordinary empty can of ToxiCola to me.

The programmer looks pensively at the screen.
You go to the north
You're in a small bathroom. In the center of a room is a sink, and over the sink is a medicine cabinet (which is closed). The exit is to the south.
You open the cabinet
You try to open it, but it's stuck.
You open the cabinet with the crowbar
The jammed frame creaks and moans, but it's no match for the crowbar, and it quickly opens with a loud cracking sound. As it comes open, the mirror suddenly snaps out of the frame, and and crashes down onto the sink. Glass flies everywhere.
The programmer walks in, evidently having heard the commotion. "It looks like you tried to open the medicine cabinet," he says. "I should have warned you about that. It's yet another of the high-quality accessories of this house. The mirror always pops out when the medicine cabinet is opened."
He walks out, and returns with a broom. "I'll have to go get
another mirror," he says as he sweeps up the glass. "I'll just be a few minutes. There's a mirror store right across the street."

[Your score just went up.]

The programmer travels out into the hall.
You go south
A programmer is here.

The programmer travels west down the hall.
Go east
Sitting on the desk is a bag of Cheese-Doodles and an empty can of ToxiCola.
You open the drawer
Opening the drawer reveals a pencil.
You examine it
It's a standard number 2 pencil. It's brand new, and hasn't been sharpened yet.
You sharpen pencil
(with the pencil sharpener)
The pencil sharpener doesn't do anything. You withdraw the pencil from the hole and find it exactly as sharp as when you inserted it.
You open the radio compartment
Opening the radio compartment reveals a DuraHell battery.
You put durahell battery in the sharpener compartment
Done.
You sharpen the pencil
(with the pencil sharpener)
The pencil sharpener whirs for several seconds as you feed the pencil in. You take the pencil out and find it sharpened and ready for writing.
You close the drawer
Closed.
Go west
The programmer walks into the room.
Go north
The programmer walks in carrying a new mirror. He carefully pops the mirror into the frame and closes the medicine cabinet. "I'll have to get this medicine cabinet fixed at some point," he says.
Go south
You're in a small bedroom. The room is almost entirely filled by
the bed. The hall is to the north.
Sitting on the bed is a pillow and a bedspread.
You look at it
It looks like an ordinary pillow to me.
You examine the bed
The bed almost fills the room. On the bed you see a bedspread.
You examine the bedspread
It looks like an ordinary bedspread to me.
You look under bed
You find a dollar bill! It's too bad that US currency is totally useless in this game.
You take the bill
You already have the dollar bill!
You examine the bill
It looks like real United States currency. You can't imagine how it got into this game.
You open the cabinet with the crowbar
The jammed frame creaks and moans, but it's no match for the crowbar, and it quickly opens with a loud cracking sound. As it comes open, the mirror suddenly snaps out of the frame, and lands gently on the pillow.

[Your score just went up.]
You examine the mirror
It's a small mirror, about two feet by a foot and a half.
You climb the railing
With a little effort, you manage to climb up into the rails.
You examine the panel
It's only about one foot by one foot square. It's currently open. Through the hole, you can see a room below. The room seems to consist of a series of small cubicles, each separated by a six-foot-high partition. Each cubicle contains a chair and a desk. In most of the cubicles, a person is occupying the chair.
South of the cubicles is a large, white room, in which a number of people in white labcoats are moving about, consulting with one another and writing notes on the clipboards they're carrying.
You put the mirror on the panel
The mirror fits well over the opening, covering the hole entirely.
You go south
One of the scientists recognizes you, and walks over. "You're back
for another try, are you? Well, we normally don't like to use the same subjects multiple times, since it can throw off the results, but given your pathetic performance last time, I suppose that it can't do much harm. It's not like you'll have any sort of advantage over the other subjects!" She lets out a little laugh -- actually, it's more like a snort -- then turns serious again. "Anyway, we're about to begin another experiment, so if you'll have a seat, we will proceed." She walks away.
You go north
One of the tellers waves you over to his window. "Can I help you?" he asks.

The teller looks at you expectantly.
You read the check
I don't know how to read the check.

The teller looks at you expectantly.
You give the check to the teller
"Thank you," the teller says, accepting the check and looking it over carefully. "I'll need to see your Driver's License, please."

The teller looks at you expectantly.
You take the check
Taken.

The teller looks at you expectantly.
Go west
You're on a gravel path that leads east and west. The terrain is growing quite dry and rocky to the west; the air is too dusty to see very far west. A small wooden sign is posted here.
You read the sign
You are now entering the Hell Nature Preserve. This
area has been set aside to preserve a small part of
Hell in its original state, as it was before urbanization
transformed Hell into what we know today. Please don't
litter -- keep Hell beautiful!

After reading the sign, you notice that someone has flagrantly violated the plea not to litter -- someone has carelessly tossed a cigarette box on the ground here.
Examine box
Which box do you mean, the toolbox, or the cigarette box?
Cigarette
In the cigarette box you see a cigarette.
Go west
You're on the east edge of a desolate plain. The ground is
hard-packed sand covered with small, sharp rocks. The plain extends to the west as far as the eye can see. You notice that you can see for a very long distance; the ground does not seem to have any curvature at all, and there is no distinct horizon. Only sheer distance seems to obscure your view of what may be an infinite plain.
You can see a red glow to the north, and the city lies back to the east. The plain stretches off without any distinguishing features in all other directions.
Go north
You are on a vast, desolate plain. The ground is hot here; steam
rises from cracks in the dry soil, and the warm, damp air smells strongly of sulfur. The area is littered with debris: decaying bones of strange animals, broken parts from ancient machinery, pools of tar and oil. The plain continues off in all directions; it was somewhat more pleasant to the south. A bright red glow comes from the north.
You examine the bones
The bones are of no animals you've ever seen. Some of them look almost human, but not quite. As you look more closely, you notice a human-looking skeleton underneath some of the strange animal bones.
You examine the skeleton
You can't see much; it's mostly covered by the strange animal bones.
You take the skeleton
You can't get to the skeleton; it's covered by the strange animal bones.
You remove the bones
As your hand approaches the pile of bones, bright blue electric arcs jump toward you. You jump back in pain as the electricity shoots through your body.
You remove the bones
As your hand approaches the pile of bones, bright blue electric arcs jump toward you, but the rubber gloves provide some protection. As you start to move the pile, it collapses, and sparks fly throughout the pile. You jump back from the fireworks. Once the smoke has cleared, you see that a human skeleton has been uncovered.
You examine the skeleton
The skeleton has been stripped of flesh; only the bright white bones remain. You notice that the skeleton's bony hand is clutching a small card.
You take the card
Taken.

[Your score just went up.]
You look at the card
It's an appointment card for a driver's license test. It doesn't seem to specify a time or date; it's probably good any time.
You examine the machinery
Most of the parts are gigantic, some standing several feet high. The parts are all made of dark, rough metals that look like wrought iron; they have myriad sharp protrusions and appendages. You can't imagine what these parts are or what machines they come from.
Look around
You are on a vast, desolate plain. The ground is hot here; steam
rises from cracks in the dry soil, and the warm, damp air smells strongly of sulfur. The area is littered with debris: decaying bones of strange animals, broken parts from ancient machinery, pools of tar and oil. The plain continues off in all directions; it was somewhat more pleasant to the south. A bright red glow comes from the north.
You go north
You're standing at the top of an enormous crater, which is at least several hundred feet in diameter and almost as deep. Strangely, the ground around the crater is not lifted as you would expect of an impact crater; it is more like the result of excavation. The sides of the crater are very steep, but it looks as though you could climb down with some effort. The depths of the crater are obscured by a dense fog, but a wavering red glow penetrates the fog from below. Overpowering sulfurous fumes fill the air, and waves of heat and steam rise from below.
Go downward
You're at the bottom of the crater. The floor of the crater is littered with huge, sharp rocks, making travel very difficult, and the ground is so hot that it glows red. It looks as though you could climb back up the crater wall. To the northeast is a huge stone slab.

One of the large rocks on the pit floor suddenly bursts into flames. You jump back and shield your eyes from the blinding fire. After a few moments, the fire subsides, and all that's left of the rock is a thick black cloud of sulfurous fumes that slowly dissipates.
You go to the northeast
You'll have to move the huge stone slab out of the way first.

You hear a rumbling sound under your feet. The rumbling increases
in intensity until the sound is deafening, and the ground is shaking violently. As you try to maintain your balance, several rocks are suddenly blown upward as a huge steam geyser blasts through the surface. You jump backward away from the jet of pressurized steam. Eventually, the geyser weakens, and finally stops.
You examine slab
It's about ten feet tall and five feet wide. In the center of the slab, you notice three small holes, arranged in a horizontal line, six inches apart.

You hear a noise overhead, and look up to see a number of rocks come sliding down the side of the crater. You jump out of the way just in time.
You examine the holes
There are three holes, each about half an inch in diameter, arranged in a horizontal line, and spaced about six inches apart. You can't tell how deep the holes are.

the crater. The glowing stream of liquid rock slowly cools into yet more hot rocks at the floor of the crater.
You put the poker in the holes
That doesn't seem to fit.

A thick cloud of dust drifts down from the side of the crater. You watch the cloud as it slowly meanders through the complex air currents driven by the hot crater floor. As the cloud approaches the hot rocks at the bottom of the crater, it suddenly catches fire; you leap back as the cloud almost instantly vanishes in a searing wall of flame.
You put the pitchfork in the holes
You slide the pitchfork's prongs into the holes, and discover that it's an exact fit! You hear a deep, loud rumbling sound from behind the slab. You cautiously remove the pitchfork from the holes, and stand back. The slab slowly starts to rotate. It turns until a narrow passage is revealed to the northeast, then the rumbling ceases.

[Your score just went up.]

One of the large rocks on the pit floor suddenly bursts into flames. You jump back and shield your eyes from the blinding fire. After a few moments, the fire subsides, and all that's left of the rock is a thick black cloud of sulfurous fumes that slowly dissipates.
You go to the northeast
You're on a ledge fifty feet above the floor of a huge cave. The
cave below is engulfed in flames. Fire shoots out of vents in the rock; pools of oil on the ground burn slowly, releasing thick black clouds of smoke; even some of the rocks themselves smolder and burn. Across the cave on the north side, you can see a wide, dark lake; some distance into the lake is a small island. You can probably climb down the gently sloping walls of the cave to the floor below, and a narrow passage leads outside to the crater to the southwest.
Go downward
You're on the floor of the huge cave of fire. It's extremely
difficult to see where you're going due to all of the fire and smoke. High above on the cave wall, you can see a ledge; you think you'll be able to climb back up the wall. The only path you can see through the cave is to the north.
You go north
You slowly make your way through the dense flames. You realize that this cave must be totally devoid of oxygen -- certainly it's all being consumed by the raging fires. It's lucky you're already dead, you think to yourself.

You're at the north end of the fire cave, standing on the rocky
shore of a huge, still lake. The water is black -- so black that it barely reflects the brilliant light of the fires. In the middle of the lake, you can see a small island. The fire cave lies to the south, and you could wade into the water to the north.
You look at the island
The island is some distance into the lake. You can't make out any details from here.
You examine the lake
You dip your hand into the dark water. The water is hot and thick. As you pull your hand out, and see the dark red fluid dripping off, you realize that the lake is filled not with water, but with human blood. You jump back and shake your hand violently to clean it of the horrifying liquid.
You go north
You're wading in the lake. The shore is to the south. An island
lies some distance to the north.
You go to the southwest
You hear a rumbling sound under your feet. The rumbling increases
in intensity until the sound is deafening, and the ground is shaking violently. As you try to maintain your balance, several rocks are suddenly blown upward as a huge steam geyser blasts through the surface. You jump backward away from the jet of pressurized steam. Eventually, the geyser weakens, and finally stops.
You go east
A DMV official is here.

You walk over to the window where the employee is standing.

The DMV employee says, "Let's see your appointment card. Service is by appointment only."
You show the card to the employee
"Well, it's about time." She carelessly tosses your appointment card onto the counter and hands you a test. "Fill this out, and don't cheat. Bring it back to me when you're finished with it."

The DMV employee looks at you impatiently. "Have you finished the test yet?"
Examine test
This test consists of 10 multiple-choice questions. Please consider each question carefully, and choose the letter of the answer that best completes the sentence or answers the question.

The minimum passing score is 70% (7 out of 10) correct.

WARNING: You are required to answer the questions on this test without any help. Anyone willfully giving answers to another person, or accepting answers from another person, is guilty of an immoral act. But, you're already in Hell, so who cares?

*** APPLICANT MUST PROVIDE OWN NUMBER 2 PENCIL ***

Last Name:
You write floyd on the test
First Name:
You write the club on the test
Middle Name:
You write of on the test
Age:
You write 52 on the test
Question 1:

What is the speed limit in a School Zone?
A. 17
B. 23
C. 27
D. 43
E. 59
B.
Question 2:

What is the speed limit in a Hospital Zone?
A. 17
B. 23
C. 27
D. 43
E. 59
You go east
Question 4:

What is the speed limit in a Freeway Zone?
A. 17
B. 23
C. 27
D. 43
E. 59
Go downwards
Question 5:

What is the speed limit in a Residential Zone?
A. 17
B. 23
C. 27
D. 43
E. 59
B.
Question 7:

In which zone is the speed limit 23?
A. School Zone
B. Residential Zone
C. Hospital Zone
D. Library Zone
E. Freeway Zone
Go downward
Question 9:

Given a regular pyramid with a square base, there is a sphere whose center is in the plane of the base of the pyramid and which is tangent to all edges of the pyramid. If each edge of the pyramid base is of length A, what is the height of the pyramid?

A. A
B. A/sqrt(2)
C. A/2
D. A*sqrt(2)
E. A*2
You go downwards
Question 10:

Given the pyramid and sphere from the previous question, what is the volume of the portion common to the sphere and the pyramid?

A. (6*sqrt(2)/64 - 1/2) * pi * (A cubed)
B. ((A/sqrt(2)) cubed)/3 * pi
C. (7*sqrt(6)/54 - 1/4) * pi * (A cubed)
D. (4/3) * pi * (A cubed)
E. 4 * pi * (A cubed)
Go downwards
The DMV employee looks at you impatiently. "Have you finished the test yet?"
You give the test to the employee
She looks over your test skeptically. "Fine," she says, "you got 80%. You pass." She takes out a camera and snaps a picture of you before you realize what's going on. She walks away from the counter (leaving the room totally devoid of employees) and remains in a back room for several minutes. Finally, she returns, and hands you your driver's license!

[Your score just went up.]

The DMV employee looks at you, obviously annoyed by your continued presence. "What more could you want? Go bother someone else."
You examine the license
In addition to the terrible picture of you (with your eyes closed, of course), the license reads:



Name: WRITE CLUB ON TEST WRITE OF ON TEST WRITE FLOYD ON TEST

Age: write 52 on test

The DMV employee looks at you, obviously annoyed by your continued presence. "What more could you want? Go bother someone else."
You give the license to the teller
"Thank you," the teller says, accepting the driver's license and looking it over carefully. "I'll need to see your Celestial Security Card, please."

The teller looks at you expectantly.
You take the check and the license
check: Taken.
driver's license: Taken.

The teller looks at you expectantly.
You go west
The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Have you ever filed a claim against your automobile, homeowner's, renter's, malpractice, health, or dental insurance?" The woman replies, "I had an automobile accident in 1982, but it wasn't my fault, and I had regular dental checkups between 1981 and 1990 that were billed to my dental insurance." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
Look around
You're in the Celestial Security Office. At one end of the room is
a counter, and next to the counter is a wastebasket that's full of crumpled up paper. The exit is to the east, and a door behind the counter leads west.
Behind the counter is a middle-aged man dressed in a light blue Celestial Security Administration uniform. He's helping a young woman fill out an application form.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "In what year did Columbus discover America?" The woman replies, "1492." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
Waste
The Celestial Security officer stops you. "Hey! You're not our regular maintenance worker! Where's your uniform?" He makes you put the papers back.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Are you married?" The woman replies, "Yes." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
Go west
The Celestial Security officer moves to block your way. "I'm sorry, only authorized personnel are allowed in the back office."

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Is your spouse living or dead?" The woman replies, "Living." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
You examine the dial
The radio dial can be turned to settings numbered from 1 to 999. It's currently set to 319.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "What is your spouse's life expectancy?" The woman replies, "72 years." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
You turn dial to 666
Okay, it's now turned to 666.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Do you now or have you ever smoked?" The woman replies, "No." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
You turn on the radio
The radio is now turned on.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Do you now or have you ever belonged to, endorsed, supported, aided and abetted, given comfort to, made a contribution to, sent back a business reply card from, or developed an advertising slogan for a 'light beer' manufacturer?" The woman replies, "No, never." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.

The radio emits static.
You wait a while
Time passes...

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Jane lives one mile from school, and Billy lives four miles away. If Jill walks to school at three miles per hour, how fast must Billy ride his bike to arrive at school at the same time as Jane if they both leave home at the same time?" The woman replies, "12 miles per hour." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.

The radio emits static.
You turn the dial to 911
Okay, it's now turned to 911.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Do you use a hearing aid?" The woman replies, "No." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.

The radio emits static.
You turn the dial to 6
Okay, it's now turned to 6.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Have you ever experienced palpitations, heart murmurs, shortness of breath, convulsions, seizures, paroxysms, blurred vision, dizziness, queasiness, or insomnia?" The woman replies, "Yes, I regularly have trouble sleeping." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.

The radio emits static.
You turn the dial to 24
Okay, it's now turned to 24.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Hot enough for you?" The woman replies, "Yes." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.

The radio emits static.
You turn the dial to 10
Okay, it's now turned to 10.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Can you taste the difference between margarine and butter?" The woman replies, "No, not usually." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.

The radio emits static.
You turn off the radio
The radio is now turned off.

The Celestial Security officer sighs. "Oh, my," he says, "I did it again! I accidentally wrote down your last name in the space for your first name. This form is just so confusing." He crumples up the form and throws it into the wastebasket. "Oh, well," he says, "we'll just have to start over." He reaches beneath the counter and gets out a new form.
You check your inventory
You have a printed note, a rope, a dead light bulb, a toolbox, a portable radio, a bucket, a pitchfork, a small metal key, a parachute (being worn), a paper recycling bin, a pair of rubber gloves (being worn), a certificate, a poker, a brush, a shovel, a pencil sharpener, a pencil, an Infern-O-Vac battery, a dollar bill, a cigarette box, a cigarette, a check, and a driver's license. The toolbox seems to contain a crowbar and a yellow note. The radio compartment seems to contain a DuraHell battery.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "What is your middle initial?" The woman replies, "G." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
Go down
You hear a noise overhead, and look up to see a number of rocks come sliding down the side of the crater. You jump out of the way just in time.
You go north
You can't go that way.

the crater. The glowing stream of liquid rock slowly cools into yet more hot rocks at the floor of the crater.
Go southwest
A thick cloud of dust drifts down from the side of the crater. You watch the cloud as it slowly meanders through the complex air currents driven by the hot crater floor. As the cloud approaches the hot rocks at the bottom of the crater, it suddenly catches fire; you leap back as the cloud almost instantly vanishes in a searing wall of flame.
You examine the cigarette
It looks like an ordinary cigarette to me.

One of the large rocks on the pit floor suddenly bursts into flames. You jump back and shield your eyes from the blinding fire. After a few moments, the fire subsides, and all that's left of the rock is a thick black cloud of sulfurous fumes that slowly dissipates.
You check your inventory
You have a printed note, a rope, a dead light bulb, a toolbox, a portable radio, a bucket, a pitchfork, a small metal key, a parachute (being worn), a paper recycling bin, a pair of rubber gloves (being worn), a certificate, a poker, a brush, a shovel, a pencil sharpener, a pencil, an Infern-O-Vac battery, a dollar bill, a cigarette box, a cigarette, a check, and a driver's license. The toolbox seems to contain a crowbar and a yellow note. The radio compartment seems to contain a DuraHell battery.

You hear a rumbling sound under your feet. The rumbling increases
in intensity until the sound is deafening, and the ground is shaking violently. As you try to maintain your balance, several rocks are suddenly blown upward as a huge steam geyser blasts through the surface. You jump backward away from the jet of pressurized steam. Eventually, the geyser weakens, and finally stops.
You examine the light bulb
It's a dead light bulb. It seems slightly charred inside.

You hear a noise overhead, and look up to see a number of rocks come sliding down the side of the crater. You jump out of the way just in time.
You examine the cigarette box
There's nothing in the cigarette box.

the crater. The glowing stream of liquid rock slowly cools into yet more hot rocks at the floor of the crater.
Go west
A shopkeeper is here waiting to help you.
The shop keeper greets you as you walk in. "How may I help you?"
he asks cheerfully.
You ask the keeper about the bracelet
"The original amulet upon which this is based is said to provide protection against deafening sound. This one's been sold."
You buy the bracelet
You can't possibly afford it. Besides, it's only a genuine replica; you would probably find the real thing more useful.
You ask the shopkeeper about teen
"I'd prefer to talk about amulets."
Go upwards
From here, you can easily reach the rails. With a little effort, you manage to lift yourself up into the rails.
Inventory
You have a printed note, a rope, a dead light bulb, a toolbox, a portable radio, a bucket, a pitchfork, a small metal key, a parachute (being worn), a paper recycling bin, a pair of rubber gloves (being worn), a certificate, a poker, a brush, a shovel, a pencil sharpener, a pencil, an Infern-O-Vac battery, a dollar bill, a cigarette box, a cigarette, a check, and a driver's license. The toolbox seems to contain a crowbar and a yellow note. The radio compartment seems to contain a DuraHell battery.
Go south
One of the scientists recognizes you, and walks over. "I'm sorry,
but we can't allow you to participate again, now that you know all about the experiment. It would throw off the results if you were to participate. If you're looking for more money, I've heard that Infernolab Missiles and Space is looking for subjects in the nosecone crash testing lab." She walks away.
You look at your surroundings
You're in a small cubicle, bordered on the east and west by six-foot-high partitions, and on the south by a desk. There's a chair that occupies most of the rest of the space. A door is to the north; the door is open.
On the other side of the desk is a very large, bright white room. Several men and women are walking about the room, consulting with each other; each is wearing a long white lab coat, and carrying a black metal clipboard stuffed with papers. Overhead, you notice a small opening in the ceiling. Covering the opening is a mirror. In the mirror, you notice that you can easily see the people in the cubicles on either side of your cubicle.
You look at the clipboard
It's just something the scientist is carrying. It's not important.
Inventory
You have a printed note, a rope, a dead light bulb, a toolbox, a portable radio, a bucket, a pitchfork, a small metal key, a parachute (being worn), a pair of rubber gloves (being worn), a certificate, a poker, a brush, a shovel, a pencil sharpener, a pencil, an Infern-O-Vac battery, a dollar bill, a cigarette box, a cigarette, a check, a driver's license, and a paper recycling bin. The toolbox seems to contain a crowbar and a yellow note. The radio compartment seems to contain a DuraHell battery.
Go east
There's a large hairy Troll standing in the center of the bridge, blocking your way.

The Troll watches you suspiciously.
You give the bill to Troll
The Troll takes one look at the dollar bill and rejects your offer with a snarl, shoving it away with a backhanded slap.

The Troll watches you suspiciously.
Go east
Sitting on the desk is a bag of Cheese-Doodles and an empty can of ToxiCola.
A programmer is sitting in front of the computer, looking at a screenful of C code.

The programmer makes a few notes on some scratch paper.
You ask the programmer about the ToxiCola
"I'd love to chat, but I'm busy."

The programmer makes a few notes on some scratch paper.
You look at the pile
There's pieces of scratch paper spread out all over the desk, except for the half of the desk occupied by the computer. Some of the pieces have a bunch of hex numbers with little arrows next to them; others have strange maps consisting of little squares (each with a label such as "Hall East") connected by lines, and others have lists with about half of the items crossed off and the other half squeezed into the last inch at the top of the page.

The programmer makes a few notes on some scratch paper.
You read the pile
There's pieces of scratch paper spread out all over the desk, except for the half of the desk occupied by the computer. Some of the pieces have a bunch of hex numbers with little arrows next to them; others have strange maps consisting of little squares (each with a label such as "Hall East") connected by lines, and others have lists with about half of the items crossed off and the other half squeezed into the last inch at the top of the page.

The programmer looks pensively at the screen.
Search pile
You find nothing of interest.

The programmer makes a few notes on some scratch paper.
You ask programmer for Card
I don't think the programmer could give that to you.

The programmer types a bunch of code into the computer.
Burn pile
I don't know how to burn the pile of paper.

The programmer types a bunch of code into the computer.
You give the cigarette to the programmer
"No, thanks."

The programmer makes a few notes on some scratch paper.
You ask the programmer about the program
The programmer is no longer here.

The programmer looks pensively at the screen.
You ask the programmer about the ToxiCola
"I'd love to chat, but I'm busy."

The programmer types a bunch of code into the computer.
You take the can
Taken.

The programmer types a bunch of code into the computer.
You go to the south
A woman is here.

Someone at the left of the room raises his hand. "Yes, you at the left," the woman says, pointing to him.
"Why did I end up here? What did I do wrong?" he asks.
The woman responds, "Really, you must shed your outdated notions of hell. You don't have to do anything wrong to end up here. New souls are randomly assigned to Heaven or Hell based on the last four digits of your Celestial Security Number. The Heaven-Hell border was opened a long time ago, though, so your initial assignment is not permanent."
You go to the south
A bartender is here.
You ask the bartender for the vodka
"Right away!" He gets out a small glass and pours you a drink. He hands you the glass.
You pour the vodka into the can
Which vodka do you mean, the glass of liquor, or the bar's stock of liquor?
Glass
You pour the fluid, and it evaporates on contact. (It must be very arid in Hell.)  The glass vanishes into thin air.
Go north
A woman is here.

Someone at the left of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you at the left," the woman says, pointing to her.
"You said we can go to Heaven. How do we get there?" she asks.
The woman responds, "The easiest way is to use the HadesCorp Space Needle. It's impossible to miss -- it's the tallest free-standing structure in hell. The view from the elevator is fantastic."
Go east
Sitting on the desk is a bag of Cheese-Doodles.
A programmer is sitting in front of the computer, looking at a screenful of C code.

The programmer looks pensively at the screen.
You give vodka to the programmer
"No, thanks."

You hear a hollow voice in the distance laughing for a moment. You wonder what it could signify, until your eyes wander up to the status line and you notice the turn counter.

The programmer types a bunch of code into the computer.
Status
You are dead. Your flesh seems to be in fairly good shape (no telltale signs of rotting are evident).
Pray
Isn't it a little late for that?

The programmer makes a few notes on some scratch paper.
You examine computer
It's a personal computer with the traditional accoutrements: mouse, keyboard, monitor, and system CPU unit. The screen is displaying a bunch of C code.
You ask the programmer about the beer
The programmer looks pensively at the screen.

"I'd love to chat, but I'm busy."

The programmer makes a few notes on some scratch paper.
You examine the cpu
It's a personal computer with the traditional accoutrements: mouse, keyboard, monitor, and system CPU unit. The screen is displaying a bunch of C code.

The programmer makes a few notes on some scratch paper.
You turn off the computer
The programmer probably wouldn't like that.

The programmer looks pensively at the screen.
You unplug the computer
I don't know how to unplug the computer.

The programmer looks pensively at the screen.
You look at the notes
There's pieces of scratch paper spread out all over the desk, except for the half of the desk occupied by the computer. Some of the pieces have a bunch of hex numbers with little arrows next to them; others have strange maps consisting of little squares (each with a label such as "Hall East") connected by lines, and others have lists with about half of the items crossed off and the other half squeezed into the last inch at the top of the page.

The programmer looks pensively at the screen.
You examine the desk
It's a very large desk, perhaps six feet wide by three feet deep, made from dark wood and done in Danish Modern style. One half of the desk is occupied by a computer, and most of the rest of the desk is covered with papers. The desk has a drawer, which is closed. On the desk you see a bag of Cheese-Doodles.

The programmer makes a few notes on some scratch paper.
You get the bag
Taken.

The programmer makes a few notes on some scratch paper.
You open the bag
I don't know how to open the bag of Cheese-Doodles.

The programmer looks pensively at the screen.
You eat the doodles
The bag of Cheese-Doodles doesn't appear appetizing.

The programmer types a bunch of code into the computer.
You look under the desk
There's nothing under the desk.

The programmer makes a few notes on some scratch paper.
You examine the programmer
You can tell just looking at him that he does nothing but program all day: he looks pale, even for a dead guy, and he's dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, the canonical uniform of the software developer. Clipped to one of his pockets is a small plastic card.

The programmer makes a few notes on some scratch paper.
You get Card
The programmer is carrying the ID card and won't let you have it.

The programmer looks pensively at the screen.
You throw the vodka at programmer
You miss.

The programmer makes a few notes on some scratch paper.
You throw the vodka at the computer
You're not carrying the glass of liquor.

The programmer types a bunch of code into the computer.
You take the glass
Taken.

The programmer looks pensively at the screen.
You throw the vodka at the computer
You miss.

The programmer looks pensively at the screen.
You look at what you're carrying with you
You have a printed note, a rope, a dead light bulb, a toolbox, a portable radio, a bucket, a pitchfork, a small metal key, a parachute (being worn), a pair of rubber gloves (being worn), a certificate, a poker, a brush, a shovel, a pencil sharpener, a pencil, an Infern-O-Vac battery, a dollar bill, a cigarette box, a cigarette, a check, a driver's license, a paper recycling bin, an empty can of ToxiCola, a bag of Cheese-Doodles, a glass of liquor, and a yellow note. The toolbox seems to contain a crowbar. The radio compartment seems to contain a DuraHell battery.

The programmer makes a few notes on some scratch paper.
You take the pile
You don't need those.

The programmer makes a few notes on some scratch paper.
You give can to the programmer
"No, thanks."

The programmer makes a few notes on some scratch paper.
Go west
You go north
Sitting on the sink is a pillow.
You throw the mirror at the sink
You miss.
You open the cabinet
The medicine cabinet is already open!
Close cabinet
Closed.
You put the mirror in the cabinet
You carefully put the mirror back in the frame. It doesn't fit all that well, but it you manage to wedge it into place.
You pry the cabinet with the crowbar
The jammed frame creaks and moans, but it's no match for the crowbar, and it quickly opens with a loud cracking sound. As it comes open, the mirror suddenly snaps out of the frame, and and crashes down onto the sink. Glass flies everywhere.
The programmer walks in, evidently having heard the commotion. "It looks like you tried to open the medicine cabinet," he says. "I should have warned you about that. It's yet another of the high-quality accessories of this house. The mirror always pops out when the medicine cabinet is opened."
He walks out, and returns with a broom. "I'll have to go get
another mirror," he says as he sweeps up the glass. "I'll just be a few minutes. There's a mirror store right across the street."

The programmer travels out into the hall.
You go south
A programmer is here.

The programmer travels west down the hall.
Go west
A programmer is here.

The programmer travels north into the kitchen.
You go north
A programmer is here.

The programmer travels out the door.
Go north
A programmer is here.

The programmer travels out into the street.
Go north
A programmer is here.

The programmer travels north into the mini-mall parking lot.
Go north
A programmer is here.

The programmer travels into the "Just Mirrors" store.
Go east
A programmer is here.

The programmer looks around the store. He finds a suitable replacement mirror and takes it up to the counter.
You wait
Time passes...

The programmer reaches into his pocket and gets out some money. As he does, you notice that his ID card drops to the floor. He pays the shopkeeper for the mirror.
You take Card
The programmer notices you picking up the card. "Thanks! I must have dropped it." He snatches it out of your hands and clips it to his pocket.

The programmer travels out into the parking lot.

The teenager taps his fingers nervously on the counter and tries to avoid eye contact with you.
You wait for a while
Time passes...

The programmer travels out into the parking lot.

The teenager taps his fingers nervously on the counter and tries to avoid eye contact with you.
You take Card
Taken.

[Your score just went up.]

The programmer walks into the room. He walks around the store, looking for something.
Go west
The programmer walks into the lot.
You go south
The programmer walks into the area.
You put Card in the slot
You insert the card into the slot, and the little red light changes into a little green light. The door slides open. You remove the card and the light turns red again.
You go to the east
You're in a hallway. A doorway leads south, another leads north,
and a door (which is open) is to the west. Next to the door is a card reader slot, and above the slot is a small red light. There's also a room to the east, labeled "Maintenance".

The door slides shut.
You go to the east
You're in a small, closet-sized room. The only notable feature is a locker, which is closed. The exit is to the west.
You look at the locker
The locker has a dial, which can be turned to positions from 1 to 30. The locker is closed.
You open the locker
It seems to be locked.
You read the yellow note
It's a small piece of yellow paper, with nothing written on it except a series of numbers: 6-24-10.
You turn the dial to 6
Which dial do you mean, the radio dial, or the combination lock dial?
You turn the lock dial to 10
Okay, it's now turned to 10. You hear a click within the lock mechanism.
You open the locker
Opening the locker reveals a maintenance uniform.
You get the uniform
The locker is already open!

Taken.
You examine the uniform
It's a one-piece white jumpsuit. It's a bit singed.
You take the uniform
You already have the maintenance uniform!
You go to the north
You're in a large laboratory filled with strange equipment -- huge coils of wire, glowing translucent plastic tubes, panels of randomly flashing lights, and in the center of it all is a large glass booth, big enough for a person to stand in. A door leads south.
There's a technician here, idly sitting reading a book.

The technician starts telling you about a computer game. "Have you ever tried to pick up one of the cursed emeralds?" he asks. "It's pretty amazing how quickly your character gets killed when you do."
Examine book
It seems to be a book that describes a role-playing game of some kind.

The technician pages through his book.
You look at the technician
He's a scrawny man in his mid twenties. He looks like he's been wearing a pocket protector since his early childhood.

The technician looks up from his book. "Do you know if they're going to get another keg in here? We finished the last one days ago."
You ask the technician about the book
"Figure it out yourself!"

The technician twirls around on his chair.
Examine booth
It looks like an ordinary booth to me.

The technician starts telling you about a computer game. "Have you ever tried to pick up one of the cursed emeralds?" he asks. "It's pretty amazing how quickly your character gets killed when you do."
You enter the booth
The technician yells, "Hey! We're not ready for a run!" He runs over and prevents you from entering, then returns to his chair.

The technician pages through his book.
You ask technician about the booth
"Figure it out yourself!"

The technician looks up from his book. "Do you know if they're going to get another keg in here? We finished the last one days ago."
You give the vodka to the technician
The technician grabs it and immediately drinks the contents. "Hey!
The boat must be in! Why didn't you say so? Cover for me, will you? I'm going to run over and get some free drinks as long as it's here." He runs gleefully out of the room.

[Your score just went up.]
You enter the booth
Lab, in the booth
You're in a large laboratory filled with strange equipment -- huge coils of wire, glowing translucent plastic tubes, panels of randomly flashing lights, and in the center of it all is a large glass booth, big enough for a person to stand in. A door leads south.
Examine booth
It looks like an ordinary booth to me.
You examine the lever
It's labeled "Infernolab Dimensional Networking Products Division Model DN-2." It has a large number of dials and buttons and levers, but you feel safest leaving them alone. There is, however, one particularly large red button labeled "Activate".
Wait
Time passes...

"FINAL WARNING! Software configuration completed. Final power sequence calculations completed. Power flux decoupled from main power feed. Diagnostics completed; all systems within normal tolerances. Stand by..."
Wait
Time passes...

"SYSTEM ACTIVATED." The room begins to vibrate, and a loud rumbling sound echoes all around. A glowing fog starts to surround you, and the vibration and rumbling are gradually muffled. Soon, you near nothing, and see only the strange glow. You feel yourself losing your balance; you squint your eyes trying to peer through the fog, and reach out for the edge of the booth, but you find nothing where the booth was. You feel yourself falling forward, and you reach out to brace yourself, but you just keep falling.
You start to hear a distant rumbling sound. The noise grows
steadily louder and closer, and you start to notice vague shapes out in the fog. The shapes draw closer, and the rumbling grows louder. Suddenly, the glow and the rumble are gone.

Get out!
-- The voice of Satan ("The Amityville Horror")

You're in a large, unfinished basement. The walls are gray cinderblock; some light is provided by a bare bulb hanging from the ceiling. A stairwell leads up.
In the east wall is a strange, glowing portal. You realize that
it's the interdimensional portal that brought you here.

A group of people standing around the room suddenly notices your presence. They all gather around you, appearing slightly frightened but curious.

The group of people is here, watching you carefully but keeping their distance. One of the reporters narrates her report: "Top scientists are baffled by the continued presence of paranormal activity in this otherwise quiet rural home. Many believe this can only be the work of Satan, while others are not so sure."
Go upwards
You're in a den. The kitchen is to the east, a hall leads south,
and a stairway leads down.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" The group of people comes rushing into the room.
Go south
You're in a short north-south hallway with a very slick, shiny tile floor. A passage leads east into the living room; a stairway at the southwest corner of the hall climbs to the second floor. A closed door leads south.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" The group of people comes rushing into the room.
You open the door
Your hand passes through the door, nudging it just slightly.

The group of people is here, watching you carefully but keeping their distance. One of the scientists points a radiation counter at you.
You go to the south
You pass directly through the closed door...

You're on the porch in front of the house. A closed door is to the north, and all around is a meadow. The porch continues to the east.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" The crowd comes bursting through the door, slamming it behind them.
You go east
You're on the porch in front of the house, which is to the north.
The porch continues to the west, and all around is meadow.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" The group of people comes rushing over to you.
Go north
You approach the wall, and go right through it, emerging on the other side...

You're in the living room. A kitchen lies to the north, and a hall
is to the west.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" The crowd comes bursting through the front door. They slam the door behind them.
You go north
You're in a kitchen. The room is a mess, as though a large group of people have been eating here and not cleaning up after themselves; the counter and the kitchen table are littered with empty styrofoam cups and fast-food wrappers. Passages lead south and west.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" The group of people comes rushing into the room.
You go to the north
You approach the wall, and pass directly through, barely feeling the solid matter...

You're in a large meadow. An old house is to the south.
You go to the south
You pass through a wall, and find yourself in...

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!"
Go west
You approach the wall, and pass directly through, barely feeling the solid matter...
You go upward
You're floating above a large meadow. An old house is to the southeast.
You go to the southeast
You pass through a wall, and find yourself in...

You're in a hall at the top of a stairway. Passages lie to the
north and east. There's a trap door, which is currently closed, in the ceiling, probably leading to the attic.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!"
Go upwards
You travel directly through the ceiling, and emerge on the other side...

You're in an old, musty attic. The only exit is a trap door, which
is closed. There's junk all around the room: old furniture, boxes of books and papers, and several storage trunks. One particularly large storage trunk is standing on one end near the trap door.
Sitting on the storage trunk is a silver ring.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!"
You take the ring
You manage to nudge it slightly, but it doesn't go anywhere.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!"
You examine the ring
It looks like an ordinary silver ring to me.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!"
You open the trap door
Your hand passes through the trap door, nudging it just slightly.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!"
Go downwards
You travel directly through the floor, and emerge on the other side...

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!"
You go east
You're in a bedroom. Exits are to the west and north.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!"
Go north
You're in a bathroom. Exits are to the west and south.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!"
You go west
You're in a bedroom. Exits are to the east and south.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!"
You go to the south
You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!"
You look around
You're in a hall at the top of a stairway. Passages lie to the
north and east. There's a trap door, which is currently closed, in the ceiling, probably leading to the attic.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!"
You go east
You're in the living room. A kitchen lies to the north, and a hall
is to the west.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!"
You go east
You approach the wall, and pass directly through, barely feeling the solid matter...

You're in a large meadow. An old house is to the west.
You go south
You're in a large meadow. An old house is to the northwest.
You go to the north-west
You pass through a wall, and find yourself in...

You're in the living room. A kitchen lies to the north, and a hall
is to the west.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!"
Go north
You're in a kitchen. The room is a mess, as though a large group of people have been eating here and not cleaning up after themselves; the counter and the kitchen table are littered with empty styrofoam cups and fast-food wrappers. Passages lead south and west.

A group of people standing around the room suddenly notices your presence. They all gather around you, appearing slightly frightened but curious.

The group of people is here, watching you carefully but keeping their distance.
You go west
You're in a den. The kitchen is to the east, a hall leads south,
and a stairway leads down.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" The group of people comes rushing into the room.
Go south
You're in a short north-south hallway with a very slick, shiny tile floor. A passage leads east into the living room; a stairway at the southwest corner of the hall climbs to the second floor. A closed door leads south.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" The group of people comes rushing into the room.
Go upward
You're in a hall at the top of a stairway. Passages lie to the
north and east. There's a trap door, which is currently closed, in the ceiling, probably leading to the attic.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" The group of people comes rushing into the room.
Go upwards
You travel directly through the ceiling, and emerge on the other side...

You're in an old, musty attic. The only exit is a trap door, which
is closed. There's junk all around the room: old furniture, boxes of books and papers, and several storage trunks. One particularly large storage trunk is standing on one end near the trap door.
Sitting on the trap door is a silver ring.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" The trap door flies open. As it does, the ring sitting on the trap door tumbles down into the hall below. The group of people scrambles up through the trap door and into the attic; the trap door swings shut again.
Go down
You travel directly through the floor, and emerge on the other side...

You're in a hall at the top of a stairway. Passages lie to the
north and east. There's a trap door, which is currently closed, in the ceiling, probably leading to the attic.
There's a ring here, perched precariously at the top of the stairs.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" The trap door flies open, and the people all scramble through it down into the hall. The trap door swings shut once they're through.
You go downward
You're in a short north-south hallway with a very slick, shiny tile floor. A passage leads east into the living room; a stairway at the southwest corner of the hall climbs to the second floor. A closed door leads south.
There's a ring here, sitting on the floor, right up against the
door.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" The group of people comes rushing into the room.
Go south
You pass directly through the closed door...

You're on the porch in front of the house. A closed door is to the north, and all around is a meadow. The porch continues to the east.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" You hear motion behind the door. Someone says, "Hey! What's this ring doing here? I'll go put it back in the attic." A few moments later, the crowd comes bursting through the door, slamming it behind them.
You go to the south
You're in a large meadow. An old house is to the northeast.
You go north
You're on the porch in front of the house. A closed door is to the north, and all around is a meadow. The porch continues to the east.

A group of people standing around the room suddenly notices your presence. They all gather around you, appearing slightly frightened but curious.

The group of people is here, watching you carefully but keeping their distance. The priest flips frantically through the pages of his bible.
You go north
You pass directly through the closed door...

You're in a short north-south hallway with a very slick, shiny tile floor. A passage leads east into the living room; a stairway at the southwest corner of the hall climbs to the second floor. A closed door leads south.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" The crowd comes bursting through the front door. They slam the door behind them.
Go west
You approach the wall, and pass directly through, barely feeling the solid matter...

You're in a large meadow. An old house is to the east.
Go upwards
You're floating above a large meadow. An old house is to the east.
You go upwards
You float up higher. The same strange fog that brought you here envelopes you again. You feel yourself being pulled backwards, downwards. Soon, you find yourself back in...

Lab, in the booth
You're in a large laboratory filled with strange equipment -- huge coils of wire, glowing translucent plastic tubes, panels of randomly flashing lights, and in the center of it all is a large glass booth, big enough for a person to stand in. A door leads south.
The booth seems to contain a printed note, a rope, a dead light
bulb, a toolbox, a portable radio, a bucket, a pitchfork, a small metal key, a parachute, a pair of rubber gloves, a certificate, a poker, a brush, a shovel, a pencil sharpener, a pencil, an Infern-O-Vac battery, a dollar bill, a cigarette box, a cigarette, a check, a driver's license, a paper recycling bin, an empty can of ToxiCola, a bag of Cheese-Doodles, a yellow note, a pillow, an ID card, and a maintenance uniform.
You take all
printed note: Taken.
rope: Taken.
dead light bulb: Taken.
toolbox: Taken.
portable radio: Taken.
bucket: Taken.
pitchfork: Taken.
small metal key: Taken.
parachute: Taken.
pair of rubber gloves: Taken.
certificate: Taken.
poker: Taken.
brush: Taken.
shovel: Taken.
pencil sharpener: Taken.
pencil: Taken.
Infern-O-Vac battery: Taken.
dollar bill: Taken.
cigarette box: Taken.
cigarette: Taken.
check: Taken.
driver's license: Taken.
paper recycling bin: Taken.
empty can of ToxiCola: Taken.
bag of Cheese-Doodles: Taken.
yellow note: Taken.
pillow: Taken.
ID card: Taken.
maintenance uniform: Taken.
You go south
You'll have to get out of the booth first.
Go outside
You're in a large laboratory filled with strange equipment -- huge coils of wire, glowing translucent plastic tubes, panels of randomly flashing lights, and in the center of it all is a large glass booth, big enough for a person to stand in. A door leads south.
Go south
You're in a hallway. A doorway leads south, another leads north,
and a door (which is closed) is to the west. Next to the door is a card reader slot, and above the slot is a small red light. There's also a room to the east, labeled "Maintenance".
Go south
You're in a large lab filled with equipment, all clustered around a disassembled missile. You never realized how big and complex missiles really are; you always pictured them as oversized model rockets, with big cylinders full of fuel that you just light on fire and watch it go. The missile here is large and complicated. The rocket motor is lying on the floor, with all its cover plates removed, revealing a complex array of pipes and electronic controls. Lying next to the rocket motor is the nose cone and the heat shield, which have been disassembled and removed.
You look at shield
It's a big piece of a strange, black, flexible material, about half an inch thick. It's shaped like a shallow bowl about three feet in diameter.
You look at the cone
It's been disassembled: the cover panels have all been removed to reveal a network of wires and circuit boards.
O missile
It's in pieces all over the lab.
Go west
You're at the east end of a long hallway. To the east is an open
door. Next to the door is a slot; a small red light is above the slot. The hall continues back to the west.

The door slides shut.
Go west
You're in a hallway that leads east and west. All along the south
wall are closely-spaced doors; all of the doors are closed, except for one. The hall continues to the east.
Go east
There's a large jackrabbit hopping around, foraging for food.

The rabbit hops around the field.
You enter the shield
You'll have to drop it first.You'll have to drop the heat shield first!
You enter the river
The searing heat of the lava shoots through your body, making you try desperately to escape the river. As you flail around, though, you start to realize that the lava isn't harming you, despite the intense pain. As you start to get used to the blistering heat, you notice that you're being swept rapidly downstream...

The lava flow starts to carry you downstream.
You put the shield in the river
You'll have to get off of the heat shield first.
You go outside
You see a heat shield here.
You put the shield in the river
You put the heat shield in the lava -- it floats on the flowing lava, and seems easily able to withstand the heat. You hold onto it so it doesn't float away.
You enter the shield
Okay, you're now in the heat shield.

The lava flow starts to carry you downstream.
Wait
Time passes...

The swift river of lava sweeps you downstream to the east.

Bend in River, in the heat shield
The river of lava turns from east to south here.
Wait
Time passes...

You're carried rapidly to the south by the flowing lava.

River of Lava, in the heat shield
The river of lava is flowing through the cave swiftly to the south.
To the west is a shore that appears to open into a cave. The cave has many stalagmites sticking up from its floor; one particularly large stalagmite right on the shore -- only about ten feet away from you -- is at least three feet tall.
There's a faint light downstream, and you hear a loud rushing noise from the south.
You throw the rope at stalagmite
You throw the rope at the stalagmite, but your aim isn't good enough; the rope falls short. You obviously could use some practice.

The lava sweeps you along to the south.

Top of Lavafall, in the heat shield
The cave abruptly opens into the night sky, and you realize that
you're at the top of a cliff. The lava is pouring over the edge of the cliff and falling hundreds of feet down the side of the mountain below.
You jump
Wheeee!

Before you can do anything, the river carries you over the edge of the lavafall. You fall and fall, tumbling and flailing your arms and legs, catching a glimpse of the bottom of the lavafall lost in the rocks far below. Suddenly, you hit something, and your fall stops abruptly.

You're on a ledge just west of, and halfway up, a huge lavafall.
The lava pours down with a deafening rumbling sound. The narrow ledge seems to continue to the northwest.
You see a heat shield here.
You go to the north-west
You walk carefully along the ledge, but you suddenly hit a loose spot. You try to maintain your footing, but the rock crumbles under you, and you go sliding down the mountainside. You finally stop falling, and you find yourself on a rocky hillside you've seen before.

You're on a gently sloping, rocky hillside at the base of a tall mountain. The granite surface of the hillside hosts no vegetation. Looming high above to the east is the steep cone of a volcano; clouds of dark smoke rise steadily above the cone. You can climb into the mountains to the east, and you can also go north, back to the road.
You go east
You're fairly high up on the side of the mountain -- you'd guess
that you're around two thousand feet up. (Have you noticed that they use the English system of measurements in Hell? What else would you expect?)  You can go down the mountain to the west, and the volcano's cone looms above to the east. A small opening appears to lead into a cave to the south. You can also travel along a path to the north, and a narrow passage to the southeast.
You have an excellent view of Hell from here. The tall buildings downtown all seem tiny from this distance and altitude, except for the Tower -- even from here, you can't see the top. The Tower looks like a thin, gleaming string stretching from the ground up into the dark sky. As your eyes follow the Tower up into the sky, you realize that you're high enough above the surface now that you can see stars above -- so many stars, all so bright, that it's quite well lit here.
You examine Tower
From here, the tower looks like a silver thread against the black night sky. Even from this distance, you can't see how high the tower is -- it goes up into the sky as far as you can see.
Go south
You're in a large, cylindrical cave with smooth, black walls.
Running through the south end of the cave is a wide, swiftly-flowing river of lava, which flows downhill to the east. The lava pours in through an orifice in the western wall. An exit leads back outside to the north.
You put the shield in the River
You put the heat shield in the lava -- it floats on the flowing lava, and seems easily able to withstand the heat. You hold onto it so it doesn't float away.
You enter the shield
Okay, you're now in the heat shield.

The lava flow starts to carry you downstream.
Wait
Time passes...

The swift river of lava sweeps you downstream to the east.

Bend in River, in the heat shield
The river of lava turns from east to south here.
Wait
Time passes...

You're carried rapidly to the south by the flowing lava.

River of Lava, in the heat shield
The river of lava is flowing through the cave swiftly to the south.
To the west is a shore that appears to open into a cave. The cave has many stalagmites sticking up from its floor; one particularly large stalagmite right on the shore -- only about ten feet away from you -- is at least three feet tall.
There's a faint light downstream, and you hear a loud rushing noise from the south.
You throw the rope at stalagmite
You throw the rope at the stalagmite, but your aim isn't good enough; the rope falls short. You obviously could use some practice.

The lava sweeps you along to the south.

Top of Lavafall, in the heat shield
The cave abruptly opens into the night sky, and you realize that
you're at the top of a cliff. The lava is pouring over the edge of the cliff and falling hundreds of feet down the side of the mountain below.
You wait awhile
Time passes...

Before you can do anything, the river carries you over the edge of the lavafall. You fall and fall, tumbling and flailing your arms and legs, catching a glimpse of the bottom of the lavafall lost in the rocks far below. Suddenly, you hit something, and your fall stops abruptly.

You're on a ledge just west of, and halfway up, a huge lavafall.
The lava pours down with a deafening rumbling sound. The narrow ledge seems to continue to the northwest.
You see a heat shield here.
Look around
You're on a ledge just west of, and halfway up, a huge lavafall.
The lava pours down with a deafening rumbling sound. The narrow ledge seems to continue to the northwest.
Go northwest
You're on a narrow ledge high up on the mountainside. The ledge continues to the southeast and northwest.
You go to the north-west
You walk carefully along the ledge, but you suddenly hit a loose spot. You try to maintain your footing, but the rock crumbles under you, and you go sliding down the mountainside. You finally stop falling, and you find yourself on a rocky hillside you've seen before.

You're on a gently sloping, rocky hillside at the base of a tall mountain. The granite surface of the hillside hosts no vegetation. Looming high above to the east is the steep cone of a volcano; clouds of dark smoke rise steadily above the cone. You can climb into the mountains to the east, and you can also go north, back to the road.
Go west
The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "What was your date of birth?" The woman replies, "Um, November 12, 1959." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
You put the waste paper in bin
Done.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "And your date of death?" The woman replies, "June 23, 2013." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
Go west
The Celestial Security officer moves to block your way. "I'm sorry, only authorized personnel are allowed in the back office."

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Do you have any deceased dependents?" The woman replies, "No." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
You look at the waste paper
They all seem to be the same. You pick one and look at it:

Form 19937/40.Z

41. Last name spelled backwards
39. First Initial
77. Age (years)
70. Last name
63. Current date (MM/DD/YY)
23. First name
80. Date of birth (DD-MM-YYYY)
52. Number of letters in first name
Go south
A woman is here.

Someone at the front of the room raises his hand. "Yes, you at the front," the woman says, pointing to him.
"You mentioned jobs. What if I don't want to work?" he asks.
The woman responds, "That's up to you. Dead people have no material needs. And, unlike in real life, you'll find that you won't need to eat or sleep every forty or fifty turns, which is a real convenience. However, most people like to feel useful, and derive a sense of purpose from their employment here."
You look around
You're on a large, brightly-lit pier. The pier is obviously quite
new; it's constructed from steel, and the walkway has a rubbery surface and attractive wooden handrails to make it safer. The large white yacht which brought you here is docked alongside; a gangway leads east onto the boat's deck. To the north lies the entrance to a large one-story brick building. The building has the look of a high school or a post office -- that sort of simple, utilitarian style of a government building.
You go south
A bartender is here.
There's a technician here, plowing through mugs of beer.

The technician plows through another mug of beer.
You ask the bartender about the technician
"You probably know as much as I do."

The technician plows through another mug of beer.
You ask technician about himself
"Figure it out yourself!"

The technician plows through another mug of beer.
Look around
You're on the deck of the yacht, which is docked at a large, brightly-lit pier. A gangway leads west onto the pier. A stairway leads down, and a doorway leads east. Other passengers gradually are making their way out onto the pier.
You examine the passengers
The other passengers are gradually making their way, a few at a time, onto the pier.
Lasso
What do you want to lasso?
Yourself
(with the rope)
I don't know how to lasso yourself.
Lasso technician
(with the rope)
I don't know how to lasso the technician.

The technician plows through another mug of beer.
Answer form
It's been too crumpled up.
Lasso machine
(with the rope)
I don't see any machine here.
Go north
A woman is here.

Someone in the middle of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you in the middle," the woman says, pointing to her.
"I used to work as a lobbyist. Are similar positions available
here?" she asks.
The woman responds, "Absolutely! However, you may find that there
are quite a few lobbyists in Hell, which will probably not surprise anyone. Incidentally, anyone interested in public affairs should tune in to H-SPAN, which broadcasts programs that cover a wide array of current events. I believe the station number is 319."
Lasso machine
(with the rope)
I don't know how to lasso the vending machine.
You go west
From here, you can easily reach the rails. With a little effort, you manage to lift yourself up into the rails.

Crawlway, at T

You hear gas continuing to pour out of the pipe. The odor of gas is growing stronger.
Close valve
You close the valve. The gas slowly dissipates.
You go east
Crawlway, at T
Go east
The door slides shut.
Wait
Time passes...

"SYSTEM ACTIVATED." The room begins to vibrate, and a loud rumbling sound echoes all around. A glowing fog starts to surround you, and the vibration and rumbling are gradually muffled. Soon, you near nothing, and see only the strange glow. You feel yourself losing your balance; you squint your eyes trying to peer through the fog, and reach out for the edge of the booth, but you find nothing where the booth was. You feel yourself falling forward, and you reach out to brace yourself, but you just keep falling.
You start to hear a distant rumbling sound. The noise grows
steadily louder and closer, and you start to notice vague shapes out in the fog. The shapes draw closer, and the rumbling grows louder. Suddenly, the glow and the rumble are gone.

A group of people standing around the room suddenly notices your presence. They all gather around you, appearing slightly frightened but curious.

The group of people is here, watching you carefully but keeping their distance. One of the reporters narrates her report: "Top scientists are baffled by the continued presence of paranormal activity in this otherwise quiet rural home. Many believe this can only be the work of Satan, while others are not so sure."
Go upwards
You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" The group of people comes rushing into the room.
You go up
You travel directly through the ceiling, and emerge on the other side...

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" The group of people comes rushing into the room.
You go upwards
You float up higher. The same strange fog that brought you here envelopes you again. You feel yourself being pulled backwards, downwards. Soon, you find yourself back in...

Lab, in the booth
The booth seems to contain a printed note, a dead light bulb, a toolbox, a portable radio, a bucket, a pitchfork, a small metal key, a parachute, a pair of rubber gloves, a certificate, a poker, a brush, a shovel, a pencil sharpener, a pencil, an Infern-O-Vac battery, a dollar bill, a cigarette box, a cigarette, a check, a driver's license, a paper recycling bin, an empty can of ToxiCola, a bag of Cheese-Doodles, a yellow note, a pillow, an ID card, a maintenance uniform, a heat shield, and a rope.
Go up
You travel directly through the ceiling, and emerge on the other side...

Sitting on the storage trunk is a silver ring.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!"
Go north
A group of people standing around the room suddenly notices your presence. They all gather around you, appearing slightly frightened but curious.

The group of people is here, watching you carefully but keeping their distance.
Go south
You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" The group of people comes rushing into the room.
Go upwards
You travel directly through the ceiling, and emerge on the other side...

Sitting on the trap door is a silver ring.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" The trap door flies open. As it does, the ring sitting on the trap door tumbles down into the hall below. The group of people scrambles up through the trap door and into the attic; the trap door swings shut again.
Go downwards
You travel directly through the floor, and emerge on the other side...

There's a ring here, perched precariously at the top of the stairs.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" The trap door flies open, and the people all scramble through it down into the hall. The trap door swings shut once they're through.
Go downward
You travel directly through the floor, and emerge on the other side...

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" The group of people comes rushing into the room.
You go south
You pass directly through the closed door...

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" The crowd comes bursting through the door, slamming it behind them.
Go north
You pass through a wall, and find yourself in...

There's a ring here, perched precariously at the top of the stairs.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!"
Go downward
There's a ring here, sitting on the floor, right up against the
door.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!"
Go south
You pass directly through the closed door...

A group of people standing around the room suddenly notices your presence. They all gather around you, appearing slightly frightened but curious.

The group of people is here, watching you carefully but keeping their distance. One of the reporters narrates her report: "Top scientists are baffled by the continued presence of paranormal activity in this otherwise quiet rural home. Many believe this can only be the work of Satan, while others are not so sure."
Go north
You pass directly through the closed door...

There's a ring here, sitting on the floor, right up against the
door.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" The crowd comes bursting through the front door. As the door flies open, it sends the ring sliding down the hall and into the den. They slam the door behind them.
Go west
You approach the wall, and pass directly through, barely feeling the solid matter...
You go downwards
You see a silver ring here.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!"
Go south
A group of people standing around the room suddenly notices your presence. They all gather around you, appearing slightly frightened but curious.

The group of people is here, watching you carefully but keeping their distance. The priest flips frantically through the pages of his bible.
Go downward
You see a silver ring here.

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" The group of people comes rushing into the room.
Go east
You enter the portal. The same strange fog that brought you here envelopes you again. You feel yourself being pulled backwards, downwards. Soon, you find yourself back in...

Lab, in the booth
The booth seems to contain a printed note, a dead light bulb, a toolbox, a portable radio, a bucket, a pitchfork, a small metal key, a parachute, a pair of rubber gloves, a certificate, a poker, a brush, a shovel, a pencil sharpener, a pencil, an Infern-O-Vac battery, a dollar bill, a cigarette box, a cigarette, a check, a driver's license, a paper recycling bin, an empty can of ToxiCola, a bag of Cheese-Doodles, a yellow note, a pillow, an ID card, a maintenance uniform, a heat shield, a rope, and a genuine silver ring.
You look at the ring
It's a silver ring with a complex pattern of very fine etchings.
You enter the booth
Lab, in the booth
The booth seems to contain a printed note, a dead light bulb, a toolbox, a portable radio, a bucket, a pitchfork, a small metal key, a parachute, a pair of rubber gloves, a certificate, a poker, a brush, a shovel, a pencil sharpener, a pencil, an Infern-O-Vac battery, a dollar bill, a cigarette box, a cigarette, a check, a driver's license, a paper recycling bin, an empty can of ToxiCola, a bag of Cheese-Doodles, a yellow note, a pillow, an ID card, a maintenance uniform, a heat shield, a rope, and a genuine silver ring.

"Warning! System activated. Power sequence complete; power flux stabilized within nominal range. Initiating software configuration. Failsafe activated; manual override disabled. Stand by..."
Wait
Time passes...

"SYSTEM ACTIVATED." The room begins to vibrate, and a loud rumbling sound echoes all around. A glowing fog starts to surround you, and the vibration and rumbling are gradually muffled. Soon, you near nothing, and see only the strange glow. You feel yourself losing your balance; you squint your eyes trying to peer through the fog, and reach out for the edge of the booth, but you find nothing where the booth was. You feel yourself falling forward, and you reach out to brace yourself, but you just keep falling.
You start to hear a distant rumbling sound. The noise grows
steadily louder and closer, and you start to notice vague shapes out in the fog. The shapes draw closer, and the rumbling grows louder. Suddenly, the glow and the rumble are gone.

A group of people standing around the room suddenly notices your presence. They all gather around you, appearing slightly frightened but curious.

The group of people is here, watching you carefully but keeping their distance. One of the reporters approaches you. "Could you make some wailing sounds, or rattle some chains?" One of other reporters says, "Don't worry about it, we can dub it in later."
Go upwards
You travel directly through the ceiling, and emerge on the other side...

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" The trap door flies open.
The group of people scrambles up through the trap door and into the attic; the trap door swings shut again.
You look at the trunk
There's nothing on the storage trunk.

The group of people is here, watching you carefully but keeping their distance. Several of the scientists approach you with test equipment. "This could be bad," one of the scientists says to the other. "I'm getting a very high ectoplasmatic densitometer reading."
You open the trunk
Your hand passes through the storage trunk, nudging it just slightly.

The group of people is here, watching you carefully but keeping their distance. One of the scientists points a radiation counter at you.
You enter the trunk
Your hand passes through the storage trunk, nudging it just slightly.

The group of people is here, watching you carefully but keeping their distance. The priest approaches you, crucifix held high in front of him. "Begone, foul spirit! Return thee to the bowels of Hell whence thou came!" One of the reporters shoves him aside to get a better camera angle.
Go downward
You travel directly through the floor, and emerge on the other side...

You hear several voices in the distance saying things like "where did it go?" and "I think it went this way!" The group of people comes rushing into the room.
About yourself
You look about the same as always.

The group of people is here, watching you carefully but keeping their distance.
You take all
printed note: Taken.
dead light bulb: Taken.
toolbox: Taken.
portable radio: Taken.
bucket: Taken.
pitchfork: Taken.
small metal key: Taken.
parachute: Taken.
pair of rubber gloves: Taken.
certificate: Taken.
poker: Taken.
brush: Taken.
shovel: Taken.
pencil sharpener: Taken.
pencil: Taken.
Infern-O-Vac battery: Taken.
dollar bill: Taken.
cigarette box: Taken.
cigarette: Taken.
check: Taken.
driver's license: Taken.
paper recycling bin: Taken.
empty can of ToxiCola: Taken.
bag of Cheese-Doodles: Taken.
yellow note: Taken.
pillow: Taken.
ID card: Taken.
maintenance uniform: Taken.
heat shield: Taken.
rope: Taken.
genuine silver ring: Taken.

[Your score just went up.]
You go south
You'll have to get out of the booth first.
You give the ring to Troll
The Troll takes one look at the genuine silver ring and rejects your offer with a snarl, shoving it away with a backhanded slap.

The Troll watches you suspiciously.
You show the ring to the shopkeeper
Which ring do you mean, the genuine silver ring, or the imitation silver ring?
You wear the ring
Okay, you're now wearing the genuine silver ring. A feeling of strength and safety falls over you.
You enter the shield
You put the heat shield in the lava -- it floats on the flowing lava, and seems easily able to withstand the heat. You hold onto it so it doesn't float away.

Okay, you're now in the heat shield.

The lava flow starts to carry you downstream.
Wait
Time passes...

The swift river of lava sweeps you downstream to the east.

Bend in River, in the heat shield
The river of lava turns from east to south here.
Wait
Time passes...

You're carried rapidly to the south by the flowing lava.

River of Lava, in the heat shield
The river of lava is flowing through the cave swiftly to the south.
To the west is a shore that appears to open into a cave. The cave has many stalagmites sticking up from its floor; one particularly large stalagmite right on the shore -- only about ten feet away from you -- is at least three feet tall.
There's a faint light downstream, and you hear a loud rushing noise from the south.
Lasso stalagmite
(with the rope)
You throw the rope at the stalagmite, but your aim isn't good enough; the rope falls short. You obviously could use some practice.

The lava sweeps you along to the south.

Top of Lavafall, in the heat shield
The cave abruptly opens into the night sky, and you realize that
you're at the top of a cliff. The lava is pouring over the edge of the cliff and falling hundreds of feet down the side of the mountain below.
Go north
You're not going anywhere until you get off of the heat shield.

Before you can do anything, the river carries you over the edge of the lavafall. You fall and fall, tumbling and flailing your arms and legs, catching a glimpse of the bottom of the lavafall lost in the rocks far below. Suddenly, you hit something, and your fall stops abruptly.

You're on a ledge just west of, and halfway up, a huge lavafall.
The lava pours down with a deafening rumbling sound. The narrow ledge seems to continue to the northwest.
You see a heat shield here.
Go west
You're on a narrow ledge high up on the mountainside. The ledge continues to the southeast and northwest.

You walk carefully along the ledge, but you suddenly hit a loose spot. You try to maintain your footing, but the rock crumbles under you, and you go sliding down the mountainside. You finally stop falling, and you find yourself on a rocky hillside you've seen before.

You're on a gently sloping, rocky hillside at the base of a tall mountain. The granite surface of the hillside hosts no vegetation. Looming high above to the east is the steep cone of a volcano; clouds of dark smoke rise steadily above the cone. You can climb into the mountains to the east, and you can also go north, back to the road.

The terrain is too rocky that way.
Go east
You're swimming on the lake. The shore is to the west. A rocky
ledge to the north prevents travel in that direction, but you can go east or south.
You didn't notice from the shore, but there seems to be a very
strong undertow pulling you underwater.

You try to fight the undertow, but it's just too strong. It drags you underwater.

You're underwater in the lake. To the north is a rocky wall, but there's an opening that could be the mouth of a cave. The rocky wall of the shore is to the west, but you can go east and south. You are well below the surface, but the lake floor is still a ways below.
You put the shield in the lake
Better not; it would just sink.
You plug hole
What do you want to plug it in?
Go north
You're on the west bank of a river. The water pours rapidly over
huge rocks in the river. A bridge crosses the river to the east. A narrow path climbs steeply up the hill to the northwest, and you can follow the river to the south.

You can't go that way.
You go northwest
You're on a path that climbs up a sheer cliff face. The path goes
down to the river to the southeast, and climbs steeply to the southwest.
You go to the southwest
You're on a steeply climbing path near the top of a cliff. The path descends to the northeast, and continues to the west.
Go west
You're on a gently sloping, rocky hillside at the base of a tall mountain. The granite surface of the hillside hosts no vegetation. Looming high above to the east is the steep cone of a volcano; clouds of dark smoke rise steadily above the cone. You can climb into the mountains to the east, and you can also go north, back to the road.
Look around
You're in a large yard outside an old, abandoned barn. The area is overgrown with weeds; it obviously hasn't been used in many years. A rusty old wellhead sticks out of the weeds. The farmhouse is to the west, and the entrance to the barn is to the north.
Look around
You're in an old, rickety barn. The area smells of rotting wood and damp decay. The usual farm implements are scattered around the barn:
a bale of hay, several stalls for horses.
In the center of the barn is a small single-engine airplane. It's
an open-cockpit, high-wing tail-dragger. It's painted a faded yellow. The exit is to the south.
You examine the wing
It's a tail-dragger with an open cockpit. Unfortunately, it doesn't look like there's any hope that it can be made to work; the engine looks dismantled and corroded. It looks like you could get in the plane if you wanted, though.
Lasso wing
(with the rope)
I don't know how to lasso the plane.
You enter the stalls
Why? Hoping to return as a horse in your next life?
Lasso wellhead
(with the rope)
I don't know how to lasso the well.
You look at well
It's a hand-pumped well. It has a long lever, and a spout. The pump looks very old and corroded.
You examine spout
It looks like an ordinary spout to me.
You examine the lever
It looks like an ordinary lever to me.
Look around
You're in a large yard outside an old, abandoned barn. The area is overgrown with weeds; it obviously hasn't been used in many years. A rusty old wellhead sticks out of the weeds. The farmhouse is to the west, and the entrance to the barn is to the north.
Go north
You slowly make your way through the dense flames. You realize that this cave must be totally devoid of oxygen -- certainly it's all being consumed by the raging fires. It's lucky you're already dead, you think to yourself.
You fill the bucket with the blood
You try to scoop up some of the horrifying fluid, but every time you do, the blood boils away as soon as you remove the bucket from the lake.
Go southwest
One of the large rocks on the pit floor suddenly bursts into flames. You jump back and shield your eyes from the blinding fire. After a few moments, the fire subsides, and all that's left of the rock is a thick black cloud of sulfurous fumes that slowly dissipates.
Go west
The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Do you wear any prescription eyewear?" The woman replies, "No." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
You throw the water at the woman
You miss. The water falls to the floor and evaporates.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "What is your IQ?" The woman replies, "I'm not sure." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
Inventory
You have a printed note, a dead light bulb, a toolbox, a portable radio, a bucket, a pitchfork, a small metal key, a parachute, a pair of rubber gloves, a certificate, a poker, a brush, a shovel, a pencil sharpener, a pencil, an Infern-O-Vac battery, a dollar bill, a cigarette box, a cigarette, a check, a driver's license, a paper recycling bin, an empty can of ToxiCola, a bag of Cheese-Doodles, a yellow note, a pillow, an ID card, a maintenance uniform, a rope, a genuine silver ring (being worn), and a heat shield. The toolbox seems to contain a crowbar. The radio compartment seems to contain a DuraHell battery. The paper recycling bin seems to contain some waste paper.
You take the rabbit
The rabbit is too quick; it hops several feet away each time you get near it.

The rabbit hops around the field.
You give the bag to the rabbit
The rabbit rejects the offer.

The rabbit hops around the field.
You look at your surroundings
You're in a large, open field. The ground is peppered with clumps
of scrubby grass. A road lies to the west. You can see a tall mountain range in the distance to the southeast.
There's a large jackrabbit hopping around, foraging for food.

The rabbit hops around the field.
You go east
There's nothing in that direction except more of the same empty field.

The rabbit hops around the field.
You take the grass
You can't have the scrubby grass.

The rabbit hops around the field.
You dig the ground with shovel
I don't know how to dig in the ground.

The rabbit hops around the field.
You look at your surroundings
You're in a small, deserted, one-room farmhouse. The building is
very old and rickety, and all the paint has long since peeled off the walls. You can go through doors to the south and east.
Lasso dumpster
(with the rope)
I don't know how to lasso the dumpster.
Lasso flippers
(with the rope)
I don't know how to lasso the pair of flippers.
You look at the dumpster
It's a really large, very smelly dumpster. Over the edge of the dumpster, you can see a pair of flippers sticking up. Unfortunately, you can't quite reach them from here.
You search the dumpster
All you can see is the flippers sticking up over the edge.
You look around
You're in an old, dilapidated kitchen. The appliances are all
ancient and appear to be in poor condition; the linoleum floor has large gashes here and there where the plastic is curled back. There's a sink, with a small cabinet underneath. An exit leads north out into the yard, and passages lead west and south.
You open the cabinet
The cabinet is already open!
You examine the sink
It looks like an ordinary sink to me.
Go west
Sitting on the table is some junk mail.
You look around
You're in the dining room, which isn't really a separate room but
just the northwest corner of the living room. A table dominates the area. A six-foot partition separates the dining room and living room from the kitchen, which is to the east (evidently, building a wall all the way up to the ceiling would have been too expensive). The living room lies to the south.
Sitting on the table is some junk mail.
You examine the chair
It's a high-tech office chair, ergonomically designed with a low back, armrests, rollers, and a swivel base. The chair is upholstered in black leather like all of the other furniture you've seen here.
You go to the south
A woman is here.

Someone at the rear of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you at the rear," the woman says, pointing to her.
"I'm a very rich individual and I refuse to be treated in this
manner. I've made charitable contributions all my life, and we've never beaten the help -- not when they didn't deserve it, anyway, the lazy bastards. This is an outrage! You can be sure you will be hearing from my lawyer! What do you have to say for yourself?" she asks.
The woman responds, "I'm sure you have a very good case. However,
I'm afraid that the legal system in Hell is based on the United States judicial system. So, as you must know, the courts are so overloaded with frivolous lawsuits that legitimate claims, such as yours undoubtedly is, cannot be accepted. Any lawsuit found to have merit is immediately and summarily dismissed. There are some very good personal injury lawyers that you might wish to contact, though."
You take the chair
You can't have the folding chair.

Someone at the left of the room raises his hand. "Yes, you at the left," the woman says, pointing to him.
"I used to drive nitro-burning ground-pounding six-second funny
cars. Is there any chance that I'll be able to shake hands with the devil while I scream through the gates of Hell?" he asks.
The woman responds, "I'm afraid that, due to the volume of new immigrants, the devil is unable to personally greet each new arrival."
You take the podium
The podium isn't important.

Someone at the right of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you at the right," the woman says, pointing to her.
"Is this heaven or hell?" she asks.
The woman responds, "You know what they say -- if you have to ask
--" she chuckles. "It is technically hell, although that's such a loaded word that we don't like to use it. Most ideas people have about hell are very outdated. Ever since the deregulation of the afterlife industry, we've had to compete with Heaven for eternal souls -- because you're free to switch to Heaven at any time. So, we've been modernizing! There really isn't much eternal torment these days, for example. And, thanks to the Environmental Clean-up Superfund, we have the brimstone problem mostly under control at this point."
You examine the railing
It's a very intricate network of black metal rails, hanging about four feet below the ceiling.
You go south
A woman is here.

Someone at the right of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you at the right," the woman says, pointing to her.
"Can I go back to earth as a ghost and haunt people?" she asks.
The woman responds, "No, unfortunately not. However, our top scientists are working on this problem, and the latest reports indicate that it may be possible in the near future. Those of you with scientific backgrounds, in particular those of you who went to Caltech and really understand what makes a good prank, may want to look into joining the project."
You ask the bartender for a the light
"Sorry, only what you see here."

The technician plows through another mug of beer.
You show the cigarette to the bartender
The bartender isn't impressed.

The technician plows through another mug of beer.
You ask the technician for a the light
I don't think the technician could give that to you.

The technician plows through another mug of beer.
You ask the passenger about lighter
They seem too distracted to talk to you.
Go north
A woman is here.

Someone in the middle of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you in the middle," the woman says, pointing to her.
"I was wondering, where is the famous 'All hope abandon, ye who
enter here' sign? I want to get some pictures with it." she asks.
The woman responds, "Actually, the sign said 'Lasciate ogni
speranza, voi ch'entrate,' and I'm afraid it's been taken down. People found it too depressing. But there are several very nice vista points that you can find in the tour book."
You ask the woman about lighter
Try as you might, you can't seem to attract her attention -- someone always gets in with a question first.

Someone at the right of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you at the right," the woman says, pointing to her.
"Which circle of hell are we doomed to?" she asks.
The woman responds, "We abolished the circle system shortly after
the middle ages after the 'separate and unequal' principle was ruled illegal. You're free to go wherever you'd like -- even up to Heaven."
You ask the woman for a the light
The light isn't important.

Someone near the center of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you near the center," the woman says, pointing to her.
"Why did I end up here? What did I do wrong?" she asks.
The woman responds, "Really, you must shed your outdated notions of hell. You don't have to do anything wrong to end up here. New souls are randomly assigned to Heaven or Hell based on the last four digits of your Celestial Security Number. The Heaven-Hell border was opened a long time ago, though, so your initial assignment is not permanent."
You examine the light
That isn't important.

Someone in the middle of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you in the middle," the woman says, pointing to her.
"You said we can go to Heaven. How do we get there?" she asks.
The woman responds, "The easiest way is to use the HadesCorp Space Needle. It's impossible to miss -- it's the tallest free-standing structure in hell. The view from the elevator is fantastic."
You look at the woman
She's a middle-aged woman, with light brown hair and large round glasses, dressed in a dark business suit. She's busy fielding questions from your fellow passengers.

Someone at the rear of the room raises his hand. "Yes, you at the rear," the woman says, pointing to him.
"You mentioned jobs. What if I don't want to work?" he asks.
The woman responds, "That's up to you. Dead people have no material needs. And, unlike in real life, you'll find that you won't need to eat or sleep every forty or fifty turns, which is a real convenience. However, most people like to feel useful, and derive a sense of purpose from their employment here."
You ask the passenger for a the light
The light isn't important.

Someone at the right of the room raises his hand. "Yes, you at the right," the woman says, pointing to him.
"I used to work as a lobbyist. Are similar positions available
here?" he asks.
The woman responds, "Absolutely! However, you may find that there
are quite a few lobbyists in Hell, which will probably not surprise anyone. Incidentally, anyone interested in public affairs should tune in to H-SPAN, which broadcasts programs that cover a wide array of current events. I believe the station number is 319."
You go to the west
The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "How many fingers am I holding up?" The woman replies, "Three." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
You ask the woman for a the light
I don't think the young woman could give that to you.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Do you know your blood pressure?" The woman replies, "130 over 70." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
You ask the officer for a the light
I don't think the Celestial Security officer could give that to you.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Have you ever filed a claim against your automobile, homeowner's, renter's, malpractice, health, or dental insurance?" The woman replies, "I had an automobile accident in 1982, but it wasn't my fault, and I had regular dental checkups between 1981 and 1990 that were billed to my dental insurance." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
Go east
Sitting on the counter is an appointment card.
A DMV official is here.

You walk over to the window where the employee is standing.

The DMV employee looks at you, obviously annoyed by your continued presence. "What more could you want? Go bother someone else."
You ask the employee for a the light
I don't think the DMV official could give that to you.

The DMV employee looks at you, obviously annoyed by your continued presence. "What more could you want? Go bother someone else."
You take the appointment card
Taken.

The DMV employee looks at you, obviously annoyed by your continued presence. "What more could you want? Go bother someone else."
You ask the employee about lighter
"It's against policy to answer questions."

The DMV employee looks at you, obviously annoyed by your continued presence. "What more could you want? Go bother someone else."
Go north
An old, white-bearded man wearing a white robe is standing in the corner of the elevator near the controls. He is evidently the elevator operator.
You ask the teller for a the light
He seems more interested in discussing official bank business.

The teller looks at you expectantly.
You ask the teller about lighter
He seems more interested in discussing bank business.

The teller looks at you expectantly.
Go east
A programmer is sitting in front of the computer, looking at a screenful of C code.

The programmer looks pensively at the screen.
You go south
Sitting on the bed is a bedspread.
You examine the bed
The bed almost fills the room. There's nothing on the bed.
You look around
You're in a small bedroom. The room is almost entirely filled by
the bed. The hall is to the north.
You examine the gaps
It's a pretty sad looking house. The entrance is to the south.
You dig ground
What do you want to dig in it with?
You go east
The teenager taps his fingers nervously on the counter and tries to avoid eye contact with you.
You ask teen for a the light
I don't think the sullen teen could give that to you.

The teenager taps his fingers nervously on the counter and tries to avoid eye contact with you.
You show the bill to the teen
He doesn't seem very interested.

The teenager taps his fingers nervously on the counter and tries to avoid eye contact with you.
You show the cigarette to the teen
He snatches the cigarette and sticks it in his mouth. He fumbles in his pockets for a lighter, finds one, and lights the cigarette. "Thanks, man," he says, not really looking at you. He drops the lighter on the counter and puffs on the cigarette contentedly.

The teenager puffs away at a cigarette.
You take lighter
Taken.

[Your score just went up.]

The teenager puffs away at a cigarette.
Go upward
You climb up onto the coffee table. It makes a pretty good platform -- you can reach the railing from here.

From here, you can easily reach the rails. With a little effort, you manage to lift yourself up into the rails.
You examine lighter
It's a small plastic pocket lighter.
You wait a while
Time passes...

You hear gas continuing to pour out of the pipe. The odor of gas is growing stronger.
Light lighter
Just as you flick the lighter, your realize that there's natural gas in the room. The gas bursts into a large cloud of fire. You jump back and shield your eyes. In a few moments, the flames die down.

You hear gas continuing to pour out of the pipe. The odor of gas is growing stronger.
Light lighter
You flick the lighter, and it emits a small flame. After a few moments, you take your thumb off the lever, and the flame goes out.
Go west
You hear gas continuing to pour out of the pipe. The odor of gas is growing stronger.
You put the lighter in the pipe
You can't put anything into the pipe.

You hear gas continuing to pour out of the pipe. The odor of gas is growing stronger.
Light lighter
Just as you flick the lighter, your realize that there's natural gas in the room. The gas explodes in a huge ball of fire. You suddenly feel as though someone hit you with dozens of sledgehammers all at once. Time seems to slow down as the force of the explosion lifts you off the floor of the crawlway and hurls you towards the west wall. You crash into the wall, and the metal rips open. You suddenly find yourself flying through the air over the alley, sailing over a shorter building to the west...

You're flying through the air, sailing toward a short building to
the west.
You wear parachute
Okay, you're now wearing the parachute.

You just barely clear the roof of the building, and find yourself falling toward the ground. Within moments, you hit the ground with a painful thud. You're dazed for a few seconds, but you manage to get up and brush yourself off. You find yourself in...
You go west
Crawlway, at T

You hear gas continuing to pour out of the pipe. The odor of gas is growing stronger.
Close valve
You close the valve. The gas slowly dissipates.
Look around
You're at the west end of a crawlway. Large metal pipes run along
the walls. The crawlway continues to the east.
One of the pipes ends here. The end of the pipe is not connected to anything at all; you assume it's being left for future expansion. Just before the end of the pipe is a valve, evidently to cut off the flow of whatever the pipe carries until something is attached here. The valve is currently closed.
The west wall of the crawlway has been ripped open (you think you
may recall what caused the hole). The hole seems to lead outside, and is easily large enough for you to go through.
You go to the west
You step through the hole, and discover that you're about twenty feet up in the air alongside the building. As you fall, you notice there's a dumpster below you. You close your eyes, and land with a thud in the dumpster.

You're in a large, smelly dumpster, which is at the south end of a short alley. The dumpster is filled with disgusting, slimy trash. You can climb out into the alley.
You see a pair of flippers here.
You take the flippers
[Your score just went up.]
Taken.
You examine trash
There's quite a lot of it. You see a shiny object glimmering under the trash.
You take shiny
You can't reach it; it's under a lot of trash.
You examine shiny
You can just barely see something shiny under the trash.
You move the trash
You pull back some of the trash to locate the glimmering object. The trash is ripe and disgusting, but you manage to look through it long enough to find a very nice bracelet!
You take the bracelet
Taken.

[Your score just went up.]
Wear bracelet
As you put on the genuine gold bracelet, you feel strangely disoriented. Everything grows dark and you feel very dizzy and faint. You realize there must be some strange interaction between the genuine gold bracelet and the genuine silver ring, so you take the genuine gold bracelet back off; as you do, the disorientation lifts.
You look at the bracelet
It's a gold bracelet, made up of little loops of gold wire all linked together.
Look around
You're in a large, smelly dumpster, which is at the south end of a short alley. The dumpster is filled with disgusting, slimy trash. You can climb out into the alley.
Go east
There's a large jackrabbit hopping around, foraging for food.

The rabbit hops around the field.

There's nothing in that direction except more of the same empty field.

The rabbit hops around the field.
You go east
You try to fight the undertow, but it's just too strong. It drags you underwater.
You go to the north
You're in an underwater cave, which is fully submerged. The only
exit leads back into the lake to the south.
You see a genuine jewel stone here.

You notice that's it's been quite a while since you were able to inhale air. As you think about this, you become faint, and reach for something for support. After a few moments, though, you realize that, apart from the great discomfort of holding your breath for an extended period, you're quite capable of going on without breathing.
You examine it
It's a large, multi-faceted, clear blue jewel stone. It's attached to a gold chain, for wearing it around the neck.
You go south
You're underwater in the lake. To the north is a rocky wall, but there's an opening that could be the mouth of a cave. The rocky wall of the shore is to the west, but you can go east and south. You are well below the surface, but the lake floor is still a ways below.

The undertow drags you down, away from the cave.

You're deep underwater, just above the rocky bottom of the lake.
The water is swirling violently around a depression in the rocky floor -- you realize that it's a whirlpool!
You go north
You're on the west bank of a river. The water pours rapidly over
huge rocks in the river. A bridge crosses the river to the east. A narrow path climbs steeply up the hill to the northwest, and you can follow the river to the south.
Go east
You're underwater in the lake. You are far below the surface, but
the lake floor is still a ways below.

The undertow drags you down toward the lake floor.
You go to the south
The undertow is too strong.

The undertow drags you down, away from the cave.

You're deep underwater, just above the rocky bottom of the lake.
The water is swirling violently around a depression in the rocky floor -- you realize that it's a whirlpool!
Wear bracelet
Okay, you're no longer wearing the genuine silver ring.

Okay, you're now wearing the genuine gold bracelet. A feeling of strength and safety falls over you.
Go north
You're on the west bank of a river. The water pours rapidly over
huge rocks in the river. A bridge crosses the river to the east. A narrow path climbs steeply up the hill to the northwest, and you can follow the river to the south.

You can't go that way.

You're on a path that climbs up a sheer cliff face. The path goes
down to the river to the southeast, and climbs steeply to the southwest.

You can't go that way.

You can't go that way.

You can't go that way.
You go to the northwest
You're on a steeply climbing path near the top of a cliff. The path descends to the northeast, and continues to the west.

You're in a narrow passage among the rocks. You can squeeze through
to the east and northwest.

You're fairly high up on the side of the mountain -- you'd guess
that you're around two thousand feet up. (Have you noticed that they use the English system of measurements in Hell? What else would you expect?)  You can go down the mountain to the west, and the volcano's cone looms above to the east. A small opening appears to lead into a cave to the south. You can also travel along a path to the north, and a narrow passage to the southeast.
You have an excellent view of Hell from here. The tall buildings downtown all seem tiny from this distance and altitude, except for the Tower -- even from here, you can't see the top. The Tower looks like a thin, gleaming string stretching from the ground up into the dark sky. As your eyes follow the Tower up into the sky, you realize that you're high enough above the surface now that you can see stars above -- so many stars, all so bright, that it's quite well lit here.
You go to the north
You manage to wade a little further toward the island, but as you do, you feel freezing cold, as though you were embedded in a block of ice, and you are unable to get any further.
Wear jewel
Okay, you're no longer wearing the genuine gold bracelet.

Okay, you're now wearing the genuine jewel stone. A feeling of strength and safety falls over you.
You go to the north
You manage to wade a little further toward the island, but as you do, a terrible burst of searing heat shoots through your body, as though your clothes were on fire, and you are unable to get any further.
Go upwards
You can't go that way.

You can't go that way.

You can't go that way.
Poker
Attacking the rabbit doesn't appear productive.

The rabbit hops around the field.
You wait
Time passes...
You enter the shield
You put the heat shield in the lava -- it floats on the flowing lava, and seems easily able to withstand the heat. You hold onto it so it doesn't float away.

Okay, you're now in the heat shield.

The lava flow starts to carry you downstream.
Wait
Time passes...

The swift river of lava sweeps you downstream to the east.

Bend in River, in the heat shield
The river of lava turns from east to south here.
Go west
You're not going anywhere until you get off of the heat shield.

You're carried rapidly to the south by the flowing lava.

River of Lava, in the heat shield
The river of lava is flowing through the cave swiftly to the south.
To the west is a shore that appears to open into a cave. The cave has many stalagmites sticking up from its floor; one particularly large stalagmite right on the shore -- only about ten feet away from you -- is at least three feet tall.
There's a faint light downstream, and you hear a loud rushing noise from the south.
You jump
Wheeee!
Go east
You try to get back into the lavafall, but the pressure of the lava pushes you back. You're just as happy to stay out of the molten rock, anyway.
You go south
A woman is here.

Someone near the center of the room raises his hand. "Yes, you near the center," the woman says, pointing to him.
"I'm a very rich individual and I refuse to be treated in this
manner. I've made charitable contributions all my life, and we've never beaten the help -- not when they didn't deserve it, anyway, the lazy bastards. This is an outrage! You can be sure you will be hearing from my lawyer! What do you have to say for yourself?" he asks.
The woman responds, "I'm sure you have a very good case. However,
I'm afraid that the legal system in Hell is based on the United States judicial system. So, as you must know, the courts are so overloaded with frivolous lawsuits that legitimate claims, such as yours undoubtedly is, cannot be accepted. Any lawsuit found to have merit is immediately and summarily dismissed. There are some very good personal injury lawyers that you might wish to contact, though."
You go to the east
The boat's pilot is here, operating the controls.
You ask the captain about the boat
"This is a very nice boat, don't you think? We used to use a small rowboat, but lots of people complained that the passage to the afterlife should be a little nicer. Besides, with more people dying these days, it was getting crowded."
You ask the bartender for the whiskey
"Right away!" He gets out a small glass and pours you a drink. He hands you the glass.

The technician plows through another mug of beer.
You drink the whiskey
You drink the glass of liquor all at once. It's very good. You notice a slight alcoholic buzz, but it clears fairly quickly. After you finish, the glass vanishes into thin air.

The technician plows through another mug of beer.
Go north
A woman is here.

Someone at the rear of the room raises her hand. "Yes, you at the rear," the woman says, pointing to her.
"I used to drive nitro-burning ground-pounding six-second funny
cars. Is there any chance that I'll be able to shake hands with the devil while I scream through the gates of Hell?" she asks.
The woman responds, "I'm afraid that, due to the volume of new immigrants, the devil is unable to personally greet each new arrival."
Go west
A shopkeeper is here waiting to help you.
The shop keeper greets you as you walk in. "How may I help you?"
he asks cheerfully.
You look at the ivory
The carving depicts what looks like a rowboat. It's attached to a gold chain for wearing it around the neck.
Lasso rabbit
(with the rope)
You clumsily throw the rope at the rabbit, and miss by a mile. You obviously need some practice at this.

The rabbit hops around the field.
You continue
You throw the rope at the rabbit with a little more confidence, but the rabbit still easily evades the rope.

The rabbit hops around the field.
Keep going
You nearly catch the rabbit this time. Maybe with a little more practice, you could snare it.

The rabbit hops around the field.
Continue
You manage to catch the rabbit in the loop at the end of the rope! You now feel quite confident with the rope. (Wow! Character development in a text adventure! What will they think of next?)  While you're standing there feeling smug, the rabbit wriggles its way out of the rope and runs off.
Lasso stalagmite
(with the rope)
Your throw the rope at the stalagmite with a practiced aim. The loop at the end of the rope hooks around the stalagmite. You easily pull yourself to shore, get out of the heat shield, and untie the rope.

You're on the shore of a lava river, which flows by to the east.
There is no exit from this cave apart from the river.
You see a genuine gold disk here.
You examine the stalagmite
The particularly tall stalagmite is at least three feet tall.
Look around
You're on the shore of a lava river, which flows by to the east.
There is no exit from this cave apart from the river.
You enter the river
The searing heat of the lava shoots through your body, making you try desperately to escape the river. As you flail around, though, you start to realize that the lava isn't harming you, despite the intense pain. As you start to get used to the blistering heat, you notice that you're being swept rapidly downstream...

The river of lava is flowing through the cave swiftly to the south.
To the west is a shore that appears to open into a cave. The cave has many stalagmites sticking up from its floor; one particularly large stalagmite right on the shore -- only about ten feet away from you -- is at least three feet tall.
There's a faint light downstream, and you hear a loud rushing noise from the south.

The lava flow starts to carry you downstream.
You wear the disk
Okay, you're no longer wearing the genuine jewel stone.

Okay, you're now wearing the genuine gold disk. A feeling of strength and safety falls over you.
You wait
Time passes...

The lava sweeps you along to the south.

The cave abruptly opens into the night sky, and you realize that
you're at the top of a cliff. The lava is pouring over the edge of the cliff and falling hundreds of feet down the side of the mountain below.
You wait
Time passes...

Before you can do anything, the river carries you over the edge of the lavafall. You fall and fall, tumbling and flailing your arms and legs, catching a glimpse of the bottom of the lavafall lost in the rocks far below. Suddenly, you hit something, and your fall stops abruptly.

You're on a ledge just west of, and halfway up, a huge lavafall.
The lava pours down with a deafening rumbling sound. The narrow ledge seems to continue to the northwest.
You go to the amulet
Which amulet do you mean, the genuine silver ring, the genuine gold bracelet, the genuine jewel stone, or the genuine gold disk?
You go to the north
A woman is here.

Someone at the right of the room raises his hand. "Yes, you at the right," the woman says, pointing to him.
"Can I go back to earth as a ghost and haunt people?" he asks.
The woman responds, "No, unfortunately not. However, our top scientists are working on this problem, and the latest reports indicate that it may be possible in the near future. Those of you with scientific backgrounds, in particular those of you who went to Caltech and really understand what makes a good prank, may want to look into joining the project."
You go to the west
You walk for what seems like a very long time, but it seems as though you walk only in circles. You keep walking past the same strange debris, and it doesn't seem to get any cooler. After a great deal of walking, you realize that you're back where you started.
You examine the debris
Which debris do you mean, the pool of oil, the pile of bones, or the machine part?
You examine the bones
The bones are of no animals you've ever seen. Some of them look almost human, but not quite.
You dig ground
What do you want to dig in it with?
You go downwards
You're at the bottom of the crater. The floor of the crater is littered with huge, sharp rocks, making travel very difficult, and the ground is so hot that it glows red. It looks as though you could climb back up the crater wall. To the northeast is a narrow passage leading into an underground cave.

the crater. The glowing stream of liquid rock slowly cools into yet more hot rocks at the floor of the crater.
You go to the northeast
You're on a ledge fifty feet above the floor of a huge cave. The
cave below is engulfed in flames. Fire shoots out of vents in the rock; pools of oil on the ground burn slowly, releasing thick black clouds of smoke; even some of the rocks themselves smolder and burn. Across the cave on the north side, you can see a wide, dark lake; some distance into the lake is a small island. You can probably climb down the gently sloping walls of the cave to the floor below, and a narrow passage leads outside to the crater to the southwest.
Go downward
You're on the floor of the huge cave of fire. It's extremely
difficult to see where you're going due to all of the fire and smoke. High above on the cave wall, you can see a ledge; you think you'll be able to climb back up the wall. The only path you can see through the cave is to the north.
You go north
You slowly make your way through the dense flames. You realize that this cave must be totally devoid of oxygen -- certainly it's all being consumed by the raging fires. It's lucky you're already dead, you think to yourself.

You're at the north end of the fire cave, standing on the rocky
shore of a huge, still lake. The water is black -- so black that it barely reflects the brilliant light of the fires. In the middle of the lake, you can see a small island. The fire cave lies to the south, and you could wade into the water to the north.
You go north
You're wading in the lake. The shore is to the south. An island
lies some distance to the north.
Wear bracelet
Okay, you're no longer wearing the genuine gold disk.

Okay, you're now wearing the genuine gold bracelet. A feeling of strength and safety falls over you.
You go to the north
You manage to wade a little further toward the island, but as you do, a blinding light forces you to cover your eyes, and you are unable to get any further.
You wear the ring
Okay, you're no longer wearing the genuine gold disk.

Okay, you're now wearing the genuine silver ring. A feeling of strength and safety falls over you.
You go north
You manage to wade a little further toward the island, but as you do, you double over with painful stomach cramps and nausea, and you are unable to get any further.
Inventory
You have a printed note, a dead light bulb, a toolbox, a portable radio, a bucket, a pitchfork, a small metal key, a parachute (being worn), a pair of rubber gloves, a certificate, a poker, a brush, a shovel, a pencil sharpener, a pencil, an Infern-O-Vac battery, a dollar bill, a cigarette box, a check, a driver's license, a paper recycling bin, an empty can of ToxiCola, a bag of Cheese-Doodles, a yellow note, a pillow, an ID card, a maintenance uniform, a rope, a genuine silver ring (being worn), an appointment card, a bedspread, a pocket lighter, a pair of flippers (being worn), a genuine gold bracelet, a genuine jewel stone, a heat shield, and a genuine gold disk. The toolbox seems to contain a crowbar. The radio compartment seems to contain a DuraHell battery. The paper recycling bin seems to contain some waste paper.
Go south
You're at the north end of the fire cave, standing on the rocky
shore of a huge, still lake. The water is black -- so black that it barely reflects the brilliant light of the fires. In the middle of the lake, you can see a small island. The fire cave lies to the south, and you could wade into the water to the north.

You're on the floor of the huge cave of fire. It's extremely
difficult to see where you're going due to all of the fire and smoke. High above on the cave wall, you can see a ledge; you think you'll be able to climb back up the wall. The only path you can see through the cave is to the north.

You're on a ledge fifty feet above the floor of a huge cave. The
cave below is engulfed in flames. Fire shoots out of vents in the rock; pools of oil on the ground burn slowly, releasing thick black clouds of smoke; even some of the rocks themselves smolder and burn. Across the cave on the north side, you can see a wide, dark lake; some distance into the lake is a small island. You can probably climb down the gently sloping walls of the cave to the floor below, and a narrow passage leads outside to the crater to the southwest.

You're at the bottom of the crater. The floor of the crater is littered with huge, sharp rocks, making travel very difficult, and the ground is so hot that it glows red. It looks as though you could climb back up the crater wall. To the northeast is a narrow passage leading into an underground cave.

A thick cloud of dust drifts down from the side of the crater. You watch the cloud as it slowly meanders through the complex air currents driven by the hot crater floor. As the cloud approaches the hot rocks at the bottom of the crater, it suddenly catches fire; you leap back as the cloud almost instantly vanishes in a searing wall of flame.

You can't go that way.

One of the large rocks on the pit floor suddenly bursts into flames. You jump back and shield your eyes from the blinding fire. After a few moments, the fire subsides, and all that's left of the rock is a thick black cloud of sulfurous fumes that slowly dissipates.

You can't go that way.

You hear a rumbling sound under your feet. The rumbling increases
in intensity until the sound is deafening, and the ground is shaking violently. As you try to maintain your balance, several rocks are suddenly blown upward as a huge steam geyser blasts through the surface. You jump backward away from the jet of pressurized steam. Eventually, the geyser weakens, and finally stops.

You can't go that way.

You hear a noise overhead, and look up to see a number of rocks come sliding down the side of the crater. You jump out of the way just in time.
Go south
You're standing at the top of an enormous crater, which is at least several hundred feet in diameter and almost as deep. Strangely, the ground around the crater is not lifted as you would expect of an impact crater; it is more like the result of excavation. The sides of the crater are very steep, but it looks as though you could climb down with some effort. The depths of the crater are obscured by a dense fog, but a wavering red glow penetrates the fog from below. Overpowering sulfurous fumes fill the air, and waves of heat and steam rise from below.

You are on a vast, desolate plain. The ground is hot here; steam
rises from cracks in the dry soil, and the warm, damp air smells strongly of sulfur. The area is littered with debris: decaying bones of strange animals, broken parts from ancient machinery, pools of tar and oil. The plain continues off in all directions; it was somewhat more pleasant to the south. A bright red glow comes from the north.

You're on the east edge of a desolate plain. The ground is
hard-packed sand covered with small, sharp rocks. The plain extends to the west as far as the eye can see. You notice that you can see for a very long distance; the ground does not seem to have any curvature at all, and there is no distinct horizon. Only sheer distance seems to obscure your view of what may be an infinite plain.
You can see a red glow to the north, and the city lies back to the east. The plain stretches off without any distinguishing features in all other directions.
Go west
The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "In what year did Columbus discover America?" The woman replies, "1492." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
You give bill to the officer
The Celestial Security officer rejects the offer.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Are you married?" The woman replies, "Yes." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
You give the waste paper to officer
The Celestial Security officer rejects the offer.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Is your spouse living or dead?" The woman replies, "Living." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
You examine the uniform
It's a one-piece white jumpsuit. It's a bit singed.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "What is your spouse's life expectancy?" The woman replies, "72 years." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
You ask the woman about the age
"Please wait until I'm done here."

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Do you now or have you ever smoked?" The woman replies, "No." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
You ask the officer about the age
"You'll have to wait your turn. I can only help one person at a time."

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Do you now or have you ever belonged to, endorsed, supported, aided and abetted, given comfort to, made a contribution to, sent back a business reply card from, or developed an advertising slogan for a 'light beer' manufacturer?" The woman replies, "No, never." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
You examine bin
It's a blue plastic bin, labeled "Paper", with the familiar recycling symbol underneath. In the paper recycling bin you see some waste paper.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Jane lives one mile from school, and Billy lives four miles away. If Jill walks to school at three miles per hour, how fast must Billy ride his bike to arrive at school at the same time as Jane if they both leave home at the same time?" The woman replies, "12 miles per hour." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.
You look at the wastebasket
There's nothing in the waste basket.

The Celestial Security officer asks the young woman, "Do you use a hearing aid?" The woman replies, "No." The officer slowly and carefully transcribes the information onto the application form.