I Was a Teenage Headless Experiment
Duncan Bowsman
ectocomp 2010 horror humor parser second person short speed IF
"... but he has the element of surprise and a bonesaw, and you do not." You are your decapitated head standing on a metal tray in a mad doctor's laboratory. The doctor's four-armed assistant blocks your escape.
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*     *     *     *

... but he has the element of surprise and a bonesaw, and you do not.

I'm afraid you are dead!
You scored 0 out of the maximum 0!
That is 100% of the game!

The only way in and out of the doctor's secret lair. The only way out, back into the freezing weather, is to the north, while a hallway leading farther in slopes gradually downward to the south. The area has the sterile look of an unused hospital room, except for your headless body lying on the floor here. Your metal snow shovel lies next to you. Gerchis looms over you with a bonesaw and a blank expression.

The doctor's ugly servant finishes separating your head from your body and tucks it under one of his lower arms.

Gerchis moves south.
HALLWAY JUNCTION
A gradual slope here indicates the floor is rising to the north and descending further west. Other than a trail of blood from your severed head, the area is completely white. A door stands in the western wall.

Gerchis opens the door and enters.
LAB
This is where the doctor plots his evil schemes! The room is filled with experimental equipment. On one far wall is a raised metal tray of some sort. Equipment fills one other corner, but in another lies a syringe of glowing serum! It smells strongly of alcohol in here.

Gerchis shuts and locks the door behind him. He places your head on a tray along the far wall.

"Da doctor will be wit' ya soon as 'e returns from away, which should be any minit now," says Gerchis. "Tings are about to get pretty... heady... for you!" With a gadawful chortling, the doctor's servant disposes of the bonesaw and goes to work at some equipment at your far right.

It is all you can do to even keep your eyes open ("look").

*        *        *        *
For credits, type about and press enter. For hints, type hints and press enter.
*        *        *        *
You look around
LAB (upon a metal tray)
This is where the doctor plots his evil schemes! From your place on the metal tray, you can see that the room is filled with experimental equipment. Directly opposite of you is an old wooden door with a frosted glass window. It smells strongly of alcohol in here.

Upon the floor here lies a glowing syringe of Formula X.

Gerchis is here, fiddling intently at some lab equipment.
You examine the Formula
A syringe full of mysteriously glowing, violet slime. An injection of its entire contents could probably kill someone ("kill Gerchis with formula"), but it's also your only chance at getting your head back atop your neck ("put head on body").
You look at Gerchis
Moronic hulk with four arms and one hideously bulging eye.

Your legs twitch. You're not connected to them anymore, but somehow you still feel it. Twitching, like they're ready to go.
You stand
Those commands are kind of meaningless when you're stuck on a tray with no legs or torso or anything. But you can assume a state of mind that reflects that posture, sure.
About yourself
You're as well as can be expected, considering the circumstances. I mean, they're pretty grim circumstances, and you're alive somehow, so...
You examine the body
You can't see your body from here... but somehow you sense that it is empty-handed.
You check your inventory
You'd have to look at your body to see what you're holding.
You can't see your body from here... but somehow you sense that it is empty-handed.
You look around
LAB (upon a metal tray)
This is where the doctor plots his evil schemes! From your place on the metal tray, you can see that the room is filled with experimental equipment. Directly opposite of you is an old wooden door with a frosted glass window. It smells strongly of alcohol in here.

Upon the floor here lies a glowing syringe of Formula X.

Gerchis is here, fiddling intently at some lab equipment.
You look at the head
Not your most photogenic moment.
You open the door
You can't open the door. You're just a severed head on a tray.
Blink
You blink.
You look at the door
An old, wooden door with a frosted glass window. It stands between you and escape. The door is locked.
You pick up the head
I don't understand what you want to do with Gerchis.

You can't pick anything up. You're just a head.
You put the head on the body
Gerchis would probably kill you while you tried. You'll have to deal with him, first!
You kill Gerchis with the Formula
You seem to be forgetting that you're just a head on a tray at the moment, and Gerchis is a four-armed freak who just recently overpowered you and cut your head off with a bonesaw. Perhaps decapitation has affected your memory...

Anyway, you'll need to think of something else first before you can get ahead.
You jump
Wheee-boinng.
You look around
LAB (upon a metal tray)
This is where the doctor plots his evil schemes! From your place on the metal tray, you can see that the room is filled with experimental equipment. Directly opposite of you is an old wooden door with a frosted glass window. It smells strongly of alcohol in here.

Upon the floor here lies a glowing syringe of Formula X.

Gerchis is here, fiddling intently at some lab equipment.
You examine the tray
Totally uncomfortable, metal thing. Your head is on the tray.
You get the head
You can't pick anything up. You're just a head.
Bite tray
Now that's not going to be very effective...
Bite syringe
[bite formula x]
Now that's not going to be very effective...
You look at the equipment
That's not important to you. You can hardly even decipher what it is.
You die
I don't understand what you mean!

I don't understand what you mean!
You open the mouth
Open what?
You get the body
Take what?
Turn
Turn what?
Whistle
You whistle a little tune.
Dance
You do a little dance.
You go north
Oof! You bump into a wall.
Go south
Feeling your way around, you shamble south.
Sleep
Zzzzz. Bored are you?
You take the syeringe
Take what?
You take the syringe
[take formula x]
You can't pick anything up. You're just a head.
Bite syringe
[bite formula x]
Now that's not going to be very effective...
Roll 7
You manage to wiggle your head around a little, but not any productive amount.

Oof! You bump into a wall.
West
THUD! Your body smacks up against the door to the lab. You can barely see its outline through the frosted glass window.

"It's hopeless," Gerchis scolds you. "Da door is locked. Now sit tight, da doctor will be wit' you shortly, ya?"
You hit the window
[kill window]
Your body smashes through the window with an elbow and throws the rest of the door open. Gerchis spins to meet it, but freezes on the spot. His eyes dart nervously toward the syringe of Formula X!
LAB (upon a metal tray)
This is where the doctor plots his evil schemes! From your place on the metal tray, you can see that the room is filled with experimental equipment. Directly opposite of you is an old wooden door with a frosted glass window. It smells strongly of alcohol in here.

Upon the floor here lies a glowing syringe of Formula X.

Also here are some glass shards.

Your headless body stands here. Gerchis is here, shocked stiff by your still-standing body in the doorway.
You get the Formula X
Your body takes the glowing syringe in hand...
You get the shards
[get glass]
You go scrambling for glass shards. Too small. Useless, no good. You just cut up your hands.
Punch gerchis
[kill gerchis]
Gerchis grapples your body and tries to wrest the syringe away from it, but you stab it into him and inject its full contents into Gerchis, who spasms wildly and falls flat on the floor, stone dead.
You put head on the body
Unfortunately, you used the last of the formula in the syringe to kill Gerchis. Without Formula X, it's impossible to get your head back on.
You look around
LAB (upon a metal tray)
This is where the doctor plots his evil schemes! From your place on the metal tray, you can see that the room is filled with experimental equipment. Directly opposite of you is an old wooden door with a frosted glass window. It smells strongly of alcohol in here.

Also here are some glass shards.

Your headless body stands here. Gerchis is here, lifeless on the floor.
You examine Gerchis
Moronic hulk with four arms and one hideously bulging eye.
You take the eye
Take what?
You take all
You go scrambling for glass shards. Too small. Useless, no good. You just cut up your hands.
You get the head
Your body picks up your head. Certainly one of the stranger sensations in life.
You go east
Feeling your way around, you shamble east.

A gradual slope here indicates the floor is rising to the north and descending further west. Other than a trail of blood from your severed head, the area is completely white. A door stands in the western wall. Your headless body stands here, carrying your head.
You put the head on the body
Unfortunately, you used the last of the formula in the syringe to kill Gerchis. Without Formula X, it's impossible to get your head back on.

Oof! You bump into a wall.

You hurry north.

The only way in and out of the doctor's secret lair. The way out, back into the freezing weather, is to the north, while while a hallway leading farther in slopes gradually downward to the south. The area has the sterile look of an unused hospital room, except for your blood pooling all over the floor. Your metal snow shovel is here. Your headless body stands here, carrying your head.

You pick up your metal snow shovel.

You hurry south.

A gradual slope here indicates the floor is rising to the north and descending further west. Other than a trail of blood from your severed head, the area is completely white. A door stands in the western wall. Your headless body stands here, carrying your head.

Oof! You bump into a wall.

You hurry west.

This is where the doctor plots his evil schemes. The room is filled with experimental equipment. On the far end of the room is a sort of metal tray. Equipment fills one other corner. It smells strongly of alcohol in here. Also here are some glass shards. Gerchis is here, lifeless upon the floor. Your headless body stands here, carrying your head.

Feeling your way around, you shamble east.

A gradual slope here indicates the floor is rising to the north and descending further west. Other than a trail of blood from your severed head, the area is completely white. A door stands in the western wall. Your headless body stands here, carrying your head.
You examine equipment
You see no such thing.

You'd have to look at your body to see what you're holding.

You are carrying your head.

You hurry west.

This is where the doctor plots his evil schemes. The room is filled with experimental equipment. On the far end of the room is a sort of metal tray. Equipment fills one other corner. It smells strongly of alcohol in here. Also here are some glass shards. Gerchis is here, lifeless upon the floor. Your headless body stands here, carrying your head.

[get formula x]
Take what?

You can't pick him up.

Moronic hulk with four arms and one hideously bulging eye.

You can't take the tray!
You get the equipment
You can't take the equipment!

You can't go in that direction, but you can move east.

Feeling your way around, you shamble east.

A gradual slope here indicates the floor is rising to the north and descending further west. Other than a trail of blood from your severed head, the area is completely white. A door stands in the western wall. Your headless body stands here, carrying your head.

You hurry north.

The only way in and out of the doctor's secret lair. The way out, back into the freezing weather, is to the north, while while a hallway leading farther in slopes gradually downward to the south. The area has the sterile look of an unused hospital room, except for your blood pooling all over the floor. Your headless body stands here, carrying your head.

You stagger out of the doctor's complex of horror into the cold of Escanaba, but your body is beyond being saved by any refrigeration.
You wander in search of the highway for almost an hour, but to no avail.

Some days later, a pair of elderly deer hunters stumble upon your corpse in the woods. Tales of its discovery will haunt their lodges for years to come, but they will not stop the doctor from recreating Formula X...
Better luck next time.

Would you like to RESTART, UNDO a turn, or QUIT? Restart

*     *     *     *

... but he has the element of surprise and a bonesaw, and you do not.

I'm afraid you are dead!
You scored 0 out of the maximum 0!
That is 100% of the game!

The only way in and out of the doctor's secret lair. The only way out, back into the freezing weather, is to the north, while a hallway leading farther in slopes gradually downward to the south. The area has the sterile look of an unused hospital room, except for your headless body lying on the floor here. Your metal snow shovel lies next to you. Gerchis looms over you with a bonesaw and a blank expression.

The doctor's ugly servant finishes separating your head from your body and tucks it under one of his lower arms.

Gerchis moves south.
HALLWAY JUNCTION
A gradual slope here indicates the floor is rising to the north and descending further west. Other than a trail of blood from your severed head, the area is completely white. A door stands in the western wall.

Gerchis opens the door and enters.
LAB
This is where the doctor plots his evil schemes! The room is filled with experimental equipment. On one far wall is a raised metal tray of some sort. Equipment fills one other corner, but in another lies a syringe of glowing serum! It smells strongly of alcohol in here.

Gerchis shuts and locks the door behind him. He places your head on a tray along the far wall.

"Da doctor will be wit' ya soon as 'e returns from away, which should be any minit now," says Gerchis. "Tings are about to get pretty... heady... for you!" With a gadawful chortling, the doctor's servant disposes of the bonesaw and goes to work at some equipment at your far right.

It is all you can do to even keep your eyes open ("look").

*        *        *        *
For credits, type about and press enter. For hints, type hints and press enter.
*        *        *        *
You get the syringe
[get formula x]
Your body takes the glowing syringe in hand...
You get the head
Your body picks up your head. Certainly one of the stranger sensations in life.
You go east
If your body turned its back on Gerchis, you'd be mincemeat.
Gerchis seems to come unstuck all of a sudden and wrestles with your body. Despite your body's struggle, his four arms overpower you, and he stabs you with the needle in your own hand. Your body collapses to the floor like a rag doll.

With a wipe at his brow, Gerchis turns to you. "You're a troublesome one, wa..." he croaks. "When da doctor returns, I'll make certain 'e takes special care of you..."
Better luck next time.

Would you like to RESTART, UNDO a turn, or QUIT? Restart

*     *     *     *

... but he has the element of surprise and a bonesaw, and you do not.

I'm afraid you are dead!
You scored 0 out of the maximum 0!
That is 100% of the game!

The only way in and out of the doctor's secret lair. The only way out, back into the freezing weather, is to the north, while a hallway leading farther in slopes gradually downward to the south. The area has the sterile look of an unused hospital room, except for your headless body lying on the floor here. Your metal snow shovel lies next to you. Gerchis looms over you with a bonesaw and a blank expression.

The doctor's ugly servant finishes separating your head from your body and tucks it under one of his lower arms.

Gerchis moves south.
HALLWAY JUNCTION
A gradual slope here indicates the floor is rising to the north and descending further west. Other than a trail of blood from your severed head, the area is completely white. A door stands in the western wall.

Gerchis opens the door and enters.
LAB
This is where the doctor plots his evil schemes! The room is filled with experimental equipment. On one far wall is a raised metal tray of some sort. Equipment fills one other corner, but in another lies a syringe of glowing serum! It smells strongly of alcohol in here.

Gerchis shuts and locks the door behind him. He places your head on a tray along the far wall.

"Da doctor will be wit' ya soon as 'e returns from away, which should be any minit now," says Gerchis. "Tings are about to get pretty... heady... for you!" With a gadawful chortling, the doctor's servant disposes of the bonesaw and goes to work at some equipment at your far right.

It is all you can do to even keep your eyes open ("look").

*        *        *        *
For credits, type about and press enter. For hints, type hints and press enter.
*        *        *        *
You get shovel
You fumble around until your hands close about the shaft of your metal snow shovel. It has a cold heft in your hands, like the certainty of death.
You hit Gerchis with the shovel
[kill gerchis with shovel]
Crack! You pank Gerchis's skull with the shovel and he falls to the floor, strings cut, a dead puppet.
You get the Formula X
Your body takes the glowing syringe in hand...
You put the head on body
You sit your head back upon your neck and seal it back together with a small injection of Formula X. A searing pain follows that jolts the whole of you-- you drop the syringe and it shatters on the floor. You shiver in a painful wholeness for a moment, but pull yourself together.

You will be okay.
You examine Gerchis
Moronic hulk with four arms and one hideously bulging eye.
Go east
You move east.
HALLWAY JUNCTION
A gradual slope here indicates the floor is rising to the north and descending further west. Other than a trail of blood from your severed head, the area is completely white. A door stands in the western wall.
You go north
You move north.
ENTRYWAY
The only way in and out of the doctor's secret lair. The way out, back into the freezing weather, is to the north, while while a hallway leading farther in slopes gradually downward to the south. The area has the sterile look of an unused hospital room, except for your blood pooling all over the floor.
Go north
You rush out of the door into the cold of Escanaba in a frantic search for the highway. You manage to hail a car and get to the police station with your story. At your prompting, they storm the doctor's lab and arrest him for his heinous operations.

You may have saved the day, but still no-one will ever completely believe the horrifying extent of the time you spent as a teenage headless experiment!
Congratulations!