Ad Verbum
Nick Montfort
built-in hints cover art IF Competition 2000 IFComp Game intelligent pig Miss Congeniality Winner parser profanity riddle silly wordplay Xyzzy Awards 2000 XYZZY Best Puzzles
With the cantankerous Wizard of Wordplay evicted from his mansion, the worthless plot can now be redeveloped. The city regulations declare, however, that the rip-down job can't proceed until all the items within had been removed. As an adventurer hired by the demolitions contractor to kleptomaniacially clear out this mansion, you must engage in wordplay in order to gather all the items inside. It is not necessary to think of puns, cliches, or homonyms, however, as has been the case with previous logological interactive fiction. The puzzles in Ad Verbum are of a different -- and perhaps even unique -- nature.
You open the door
Which do you mean, the difficult difficult difficult door or the southern door?
You look at the dumpster
It's made of steel, and almost entirely open on one end for easy deposition of debris. Scrawled across it is the phrase "ATROPHY CASE." Perhaps the contractor left out a space when labelling it.
About yourself
You're the adventurer, in this scenario.
You go south
The southern door leads out of the house. It is immediately recognizable as one of those doors through which one can pass only upon completing the game.
You open the south door
I only caught that first part. Try truncating that command or using a different object.
Difficult difficult difficult
Your difficult labor pays off. You open the difficult difficult difficult door.

[+2.]
You examine the difficult difficult difficult door
This difficult difficult difficult door looks like the kind that is always getting stuck stuck stuck. It now stands open.
Go north
Here's a sort of small, enclosed backyard, closed in with a high wooden fence and completely covered with asphalt.

A door to the s, leading inside, is open.

A little boy stands here smugly. 'Georgie' is embroidered on his knit shirt.

There's one of those robotic puppies - the latest fad - here.

Your object-sensitive eyes also notice: ... toy dinosaur.

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.
You take the dinosaur
[ ... ]
You look at the dinosaur
The toy dinosaur looks like a triceratops. It is made of injection-molded plastic, and colored the same pale, milky green all over.

The puppy quips: "Your momma was playing Zork on my computer, and she's so ugly, she broke the Mirror Room!"
Jump shark
I only caught that first part. Try truncating that command or using a different object.
You examine boy
The boy looks about the size for second grade, but his serious, bespectacled gaze suggests that he may be slightly older.

The puppy quips: "Your momma's face looks like an 'at' sign."
Hello
Georgie waves at you tentatively.

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.
You take the boy
You move in to hoist Georgie away from the prize, but he eludes your grasp. He manages to stay near the toy dinosaur, too.

The puppy quips: "You got an elvish momma of great antiquity."
You take the puppy
The robotic puppy is endowed with locomotive abilities that are as quick and random as its prepackaged wit. It scuttles away from you quickly.

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so stupid, she tried to give hypertext Ritalin."
You ask Georgie about dinosaur
"Miiiiiiiiine!" Georgie screeches, whisking the toy dinosaur away and setting it down elsewhere on the asphalt. "You can't have that. Not unless you know more dinosaur names than me, and nobody knows more dinosaur names than me. So there!"

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so stupid, when you were born she thought the umbilical cord meant that you were a peripheral."
You say the triceratops
Whom do you want to say that to?
You say the triceratops to Georgie
Georgie reddens. He clenches his fists, twists back and forth while straining forward on his toes, and emits a trumpeting whine. "I was gonna say that one next!" he says. His concentration seems unbroken, despite this outburst.

"Oh yeah? Tyrannosaurus!" Georgie says, with pride.

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so ugly, the computer took one look at her and said 'Illegal operation.'"
You say the stegasaurus to Georgie
Georgie looks puzzled, as if he hasn't heard that dinosaur name before. He sputters for a moment, perhaps confused by the novel name, apparently finding it difficult to think.

"Oh yeah? Psittacosaurus!" Georgie says, with pride.

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.
You say the raptor to Georgie
Georgie reddens. He clenches his fists, twists back and forth while straining forward on his toes, and emits a trumpeting whine. "I was gonna say that one next!" he says. His concentration seems unbroken, despite this outburst.

"Oh yeah? Stegosaurus!" Georgie says, with pride.

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.
You say the onatops to Georgie
"Is that supposed to be a dinosaur name?" Georgie says. "Nuh-uh!"

The puppy quips: "Your momma's extra-wide, and SCSI."
You say the pteradon to Georgie
"Is that supposed to be a dinosaur name?" Georgie says. "Nuh-uh!"

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so stupid, she thinks she can make a floppy disk into a hard disk by pulling on it."
You say the brontosaurus to Georgie
Georgie reddens. He clenches his fists, twists back and forth while straining forward on his toes, and emits a trumpeting whine. "I was gonna say that one next!" he says. His concentration seems unbroken, despite this outburst.

"Oh yeah? Theropod!" Georgie says, with pride.

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.
You say the apatasaurus to Georgie
Georgie looks puzzled, as if he hasn't heard that dinosaur name before. He sputters for a moment, perhaps confused by the novel name, apparently finding it difficult to think.

"Oh yeah? Hadrosaur!" Georgie says, with pride.

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.
You say the hydropsaur to Georgie
Georgie looks puzzled, as if he hasn't heard that dinosaur name before. He sputters for a moment, perhaps confused by the novel name, apparently finding it difficult to think.

"Oh yeah? Supersaurus!" Georgie says, with pride.

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so fat she'd barely fit on five CD-ROMs."
You say the godzilla to Georgie
"Is that supposed to be a dinosaur name?" Georgie says. "Nuh-uh!"

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so poor, she's got a C-64."
You say the azerty to Georgie
"Is that supposed to be a dinosaur name?" Georgie says. "Nuh-uh!"

The puppy quips: "Your momma goes down more often than Windows 98."
You say the puppy to Georgie
"Is that supposed to be a dinosaur name?" Georgie says. "Nuh-uh!"

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so stupid, when she got hungry she asked people to forward spam to her."
You kick Georgie
Georgie is deft at eluding playground bullies, and dodges your attack. "You don't know-ow dinosaur names," Georgie sings. "You're just a stupid me-e-nie!" He manages to remain quite near the toy dinosaur, though.
You say dino to Georgie
The puppy quips: "Your momma's so stupid, she thought USENET was previously owned."

"Miiiiiiiiine!" Georgie screeches, whisking the toy dinosaur away and setting it down elsewhere on the asphalt. "You can't have that. Not unless you know more dinosaur names than me, and nobody knows more dinosaur names than me. So there!"

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.
You say the abcsaur to Georgie
"Is that supposed to be a dinosaur name?" Georgie says. "Nuh-uh!"

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so stupid, when tech support told her to reboot she started putting her shoes back on."
You say the abcsaurus to Georgie
Georgie looks puzzled, as if he hasn't heard that dinosaur name before. He sputters for a moment, perhaps confused by the novel name, apparently finding it difficult to think.

"Oh yeah? Prosauropod!" Georgie says, with pride.

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so fat, they're trying to break her up like Microsoft."
You say the xyzsaurus to Georgie
Georgie looks puzzled, as if he hasn't heard that dinosaur name before. He sputters for a moment, perhaps confused by the novel name, apparently finding it difficult to think.

"Oh yeah? Apatoosaur!" Georgie says, with pride.

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.
You say the yomommasaurus to Georgie
Georgie looks puzzled, as if he hasn't heard that dinosaur name before. He sputters for a moment, perhaps confused by the novel name, apparently finding it difficult to think.
You say stegosaurus to Georgie
"Oh yeah? Pterosaurus!" Georgie says, with pride.

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.
Xyzzy
Georgie lets out a high-pitched laugh. "That one's already been sa-aid!" he sings, taunting you. "You don't know any mo-ore dinosaur names!"

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so butch, she shops at Amazon."

A distracted figure with a huge bushy beard blunders in just as you speak the word of ancient magic. The man wears loose clothing, and an expression of intense concentration. He is clutching his frizzy hair with one hand; his other hand grips an intricate grid - the object of his attention.

His eyes brighten as the word you've spoken reaches his ears. "Yes! Yes! That's it!" he exclaims as he draws out a pen and fills in a row of squares. "Now my hyperconstrained, double-acrostic, cryptic crossword is complete, and ready to puzzle others. That was all I needed - just a simple five-letter word, composed only of the letters 'X' 'Y' and 'Z,' that would fit here!"

He grips your hand and shakes it fervently. "Thank you! Now that I've finished with that, I can get on to those other things I've been meaning to do, such as monkey-wrenching the demolition and saving recreational linguistics for future generations." He turns away and mutters, just before he departs, "I hope none of that will involve lying in front of a bulldozer..."

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.

[+1.]
You say the thing1saurus to Georgie
Georgie looks puzzled, as if he hasn't heard that dinosaur name before. He sputters for a moment, perhaps confused by the novel name, apparently finding it difficult to think.

"Oh yeah? Mosasaurus!" Georgie says, with pride.

The puppy quips: "Your momma's faster than 1GHz."
You say the thing2saurus to Georgie
Georgie looks puzzled - for a moment. "Hey, you just said something like that," he says. "That doesn't count."

The puppy quips: "I checked out www.uglydog.com the other day - and guess who I saw?"
You say applesaurus to Georgie
Georgie looks puzzled, as if he hasn't heard that dinosaur name before. He sputters for a moment, perhaps confused by the novel name, apparently finding it difficult to think.

Georgie sniffs. His eyes become large, resembling the eyes of an affrighted waif-child in a Margaret Keene painting. A big shiny tear gleams beneath his glasses, dripping from his right eye. Then the boy's face reddens as a bead of snot begins to droop from his left nostril. "That's ... I don't ... that's all the dinosaur names I know. Uh, well ... Waaaaaaaaah!"

He gives the toy dinosaur a little kick, tipping it over. "Well, it's just a stupid toy. You can have it, anyway. So what!" Georgie runs through the difficult difficult difficult door, then runs across the foyer and out the front door of the house, disappearing.

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so ugly, she broke the QuickCam."
You take the dinosaur
Taken.

The puppy quips: "I saw your momma selling herself on eBay yesterday."

[+10.]
You kick the puppy
The robotic puppy is endowed with locomotive abilities that are as quick and random as its prepackaged wit. It scuttles away from you quickly.

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.
You take the puppy
The robotic puppy is endowed with locomotive abilities that are as quick and random as its prepackaged wit. It scuttles away from you quickly.

The puppy quips: "Your momma provides service on every port."
You say your momma to the puppy
The puppy doesn't seem to notice you speaking to it. Perhaps this cut-rate model doesn't accept voice commands or queries.

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so ugly I need a screen saver to look at her."
You throw the dinosaur at puppy
You lack the nerve when it comes to the crucial moment.

The puppy quips: "Your momma's so stupid, when I told her I was backing up my computer she said I should eat more fiber."
You look at what you're carrying with you
You are carrying:
... toy dinosaur

The puppy quips: "Your momma's plug-and-play."
You turn the puppy off
That's not something you can switch.

The puppy quips: "The Wizard of Frobozz took one look at your momma and said, 'Fugly!'"
You cry
Waaaah!

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.
Look around
Here's a sort of small, enclosed backyard, closed in with a high wooden fence and completely covered with asphalt.

A door to the s, leading inside, is open.

There's one of those robotic puppies - the latest fad - here.

The puppy lets out a derisive little puppy laugh.
You look around
Here's a sort of small, enclosed backyard, closed in with a high wooden fence and completely covered with asphalt.

A door to the s, leading inside, is open.

There's one of those robotic puppies - the latest fad - here.

The puppy quips: "I hear everybody's got random access to your momma."
Go south
This is the mansion's spacious ground-floor antechamber. The wallpaper is peeling and bits of plaster have fallen from the ceiling here and there. There is a stairway, stable enough to ascend. The big area to the w must have once been a separate room, but the demolition crew seems to have already taken out a wall. A living room is e. On the s side is the front door. A Dumpster has been dumped here.

A door to the n, leading out back, is open.
You look at Dumpster
It's made of steel, and almost entirely open on one end for easy deposition of debris. Scrawled across it is the phrase "ATROPHY CASE." Perhaps the contractor left out a space when labelling it.
You search Dumpster
The Dumpster is empty.
Go west
That area used to a be a separate room, but it's all part of the foyer now. There's no part of the house further to the west.
You get it
Taken.
You look
This huge, bare living room occupies about half the mansion's ground floor.
Go north
You can't go that way.

A bearded figure wanders in, oblivious to you and, it seems, somewhat uncertain of where he is going. His loose clothing billows as he steps about.

"Walk east..." he mutters. He stops short after a few steps. "Walk not east!" he exclaims, and starts going in the opposite direction. He stops again, wanders around a bit, and finally leaves. By the time you've recovered from the shock, you realize that he has completely disappeared.
Go west
This is the mansion's spacious ground-floor antechamber. The wallpaper is peeling and bits of plaster have fallen from the ceiling here and there. There is a stairway, stable enough to ascend. The big area to the w must have once been a separate room, but the demolition crew seems to have already taken out a wall. A living room is e. On the s side is the front door. A Dumpster has been dumped here.

A door to the n, leading out back, is open.
You go south
The southern door leads out of the house. It is immediately recognizable as one of those doors through which one can pass only upon completing the game.
Up
The lobby of the mansion's initial floor - the one above the ground floor - is an ordinary and fairly well-maintained room. There are some things scrawled on the ground here, in the contractor's handwriting: '1 object' is written to the north, while toward the other three exits on this floor '2' is scrawled. The stairway that runs down to the foyer turns and continues up, to the next floor. The constrained passages to the north, east, west, and south look as if they might spell trouble. Or perhaps they simply spell 'NEWS.'
You drop the verbosifier
Dropped.
Go north
A pillow-like force keeps you from moving that way. A sonorous voice booms out, in attempted hollowness, "You may be very, very frustrated if you walk in there without reading the WARNING. Sure, maybe you read the WARNING three years ago in some other game session and you remember it perfectly, but how do I know that? I'm not supposed to let you in unless I know you've read it. It's like airline flight attendants have to keep showing you how to use the seatbelt even if you've been on a plane for a third of your life."

There is a hollow sigh.

"So just go on and read the WARNING, by typing WARNING. And then I'll let you in."
Go north
"LISTEN WELL!" a sonorous voice booms out, in attempted hollowness. "Know ye that passage back through here is difficult for some, impossible for others! Should you wish to transport yourself - without your cherished possessions - out of these constrained confines, have your controlling consciouness type the magic command: NEW!"

Nice, nondescript nursery, noticeably neat. Normally, nurslings nestle noisily. Now, none. No needful, naive newborns.

Nearby: ... nifty nappy.
Nap
[ ... ]
Nick nappy
Nabbed.

[+3.]
You notice the nappy
Nifty, new, niveous nappy. Notably, nylon.
Go north
Northward? No, necessarily not. Not north. No noticeable notch, no navigable nook.
You go east
You'll never get through that constrained passage carrying that nifty nappy.
Go downward
This is the mansion's spacious ground-floor antechamber. The wallpaper is peeling and bits of plaster have fallen from the ceiling here and there. There is a stairway, stable enough to ascend. The big area to the w must have once been a separate room, but the demolition crew seems to have already taken out a wall. A living room is e. On the s side is the front door. A Dumpster has been dumped here.

A door to the n, leading out back, is open.
You put the nappy in Dumpster
You put the nifty nappy into the Dumpster.
Go east
"LISTEN WELL!" a sonorous voice booms out, in attempted hollowness. "Know ye that passage back through here is difficult for some, impossible for others! Should you wish to transport yourself - without your cherished possessions - out of these constrained confines, have your controlling consciouness type the magic command: EMBARK!"

Eating enclave. Entire environment ebon. Each edge embossed elegantly, every entity essentially effaced. Effect: eerie.

Empty, except: ... evil effigy... earthen ewer.
You examine the effigy
Enemy effigy. Extreme enormity evident. Execrable evildoer!
Excise effigy
Eh? Edict enciphered, evidently ...
You extract the effigy
Expropriated.
Extract ewer
Expropriated.

[+4.]
You examine the Ewer
Estimable ewer, even, edgeless. Ewer's empty.
You put everything in Dumpster
earthen ewer: Done.
evil effigy: Done.
You go to the west
"LISTEN WELL!" a sonorous voice booms out, in attempted hollowness. "Know ye that passage back through here is difficult for some, impossible for others! Should you wish to transport yourself - without your cherished possessions - out of these constrained confines, have your controlling consciouness type the magic command: WIND!"

Wee warehouse warily warded wearable wares - when wares were within. Wan, whitewashed walls wait without woolens. Wooden, weathered wainscoting wobbles weakly.

Within: ... wooden weapon.
You whisk weapon
What? Wild, whirling words ...
Wield weapon
Won.

[+5.]
Walk
Which way?
You put the weapon in Dumpster
You put the wooden weapon into the Dumpster.
Go west
Wee warehouse warily warded wearable wares - when wares were within. Wan, whitewashed walls wait without woolens. Wooden, weathered wainscoting wobbles weakly.
You watch the wainscoting
Wobbly wooden wainscoting, weathered with weary weeks.
Wallop wainscotting
Whack! Wall wiggles.
You win wainscoting
While wobbly, wainscot's wed with wall.
Wall wainscoting
What? Wanton words were worked with welcome words.
Wham wall
(wainscot)
Whack! Wall wiggles.
Walk
Which way?
Wallop wainscotting with weapon
Whack! Wall wavers. Wall wobbles wildly. Wall warps. Wall was withholding ... weird widget!
Wield widget
Won.

[+9.]
You look in Dumpster
In the Dumpster are ... evil effigy, ... earthen ewer, ... nifty nappy and ... toy dinosaur.
You put all in Dumpster
weird widget: Done.
wooden weapon: Done.
Steal stapler
Seized.

[+2.]
You snatch the stapler
Seizing superfluous.
You seize the sofa
Sorry? Semantics shrouded ...

Sizable sofa sits solidly, stubborn.
You search the sofa
Searching sofa seams ... some sou stuck? Sadly, sofa surface's slick.
Spy sou
Sorry? Semantics shrouded ...
Staple sofa
Stapler's sans staples. Stapling's senseless.
You see the sofa
Sizable sofa's stuffed - softly satiated.
You see sou
Some sight seems suppressed.
Slice sofa
Snicker-snack! Slicing, slashing ... something sharp should serve superiorly.
You sit sofa
Sorry? Some superfluous sayings succeeded solid start.
You see the Stapler
Strong stainless steel surface seems smoothly solid. "Swingline," stapler says. Serviceable, slick, sure. Sadly, stapler seems sans staples.
You sit
Sit? Sure. Sofa seems suitable. Sitting ... seated.
Slide sofa
Shoving sofa, seated, seems some severe struggle. Shoving stymied.
You stand
... sweet, simple sofa sojourn. So ... standing.
Slide sofa
Shoving ... shoving ... sofa slides ... sofa shifts ... sofa successfully shoved! Salon seems sans sofa.

[+3.]
Shove sofa
Some sight seems suppressed.
Sleep
Sun shines still! Sweet sunlit sphere, sincere situational striving, solemn story session. Shirk sleep! Stir! Straighten salon! Sort seedy structure! Succeed!
See
Simple social space, sadly spoiled. Some skewed situation's sequel, surely. Seemingly, slovenly students sojourned -- scraping, scratching, scuffing surfaces.
Sigh
Sorry? Semantics shrouded ...
DDD
Enter saved game to store: Save seemed successful.
Slide
(subject selection subsumed)
Shifting ... slid. So?
Saunter
Sure. Simply say such, specifically.
Saunter south
Sorry. Structural surroundings stop southern striding.
Go southwest
Southwest, salon's stone shell sits solidly.
You put all in Dumpster
stainless steel stapler: Done.
You look at weapon
Weighty. Whittled walnut. Warrior's worthy weapon.
You cut the sofa with the weapon
I only caught that first part. Try truncating that command or using a different object.
Slice sofa
Cutting that up would achieve little.
You look at the sofa
Sizable sofa's stuffed - softly satiated.
You search the sofa
Searching sofa seams ... some sou stuck? Sadly, sofa surface's slick.
You sit
You sit down on the sofa.
You get the verbosifier
Taken.
Up
You'll have to get off the sizable sofa first.
Up
This lobby, allowing access to the rooms of the next-to-next-to-top floor, is in good shape. It is very similar to the lobby below, although the ceiling may be a bit lower. Here there are only three passages. Two of them (to the north and east) are normal passages, but one, to the south, is oddly constrained. It has an ominous sign above it. The main stairway leads down, while another staircase, straight and narrow, allows passage up to the next floor.
You examine the sign
This ominous sign is tortured into the shape of an 'S.' It further warns: "Abandon all fifth orthographic glyphs, you who walk within!"
Go north
Even the light fixture has been removed from this squarish bedroom, which is in much better repair than most of the rest of the house. It seems to have been freshly painted, in puce. The exit is south.

A pig sits here calmly. He is quiet and oddly attired.
You look at the pig
The pig seems extremely well-behaved, even a bit stately. He is wearing a distinctive toga.
You take the pig
The pig saunters to the side to avoid your indelicate approach.
Drat
Quite.
You ask the pig about the toga
There is no reply.

A distracted, bearded figure, garbed in loose clothing, blunders in. He is looking at a newspaper article about President Clinton, muttering, "Man of Hope, sole hope of man."

He blunders out, using motions that seem to be exactly the reverse of the ones he made when entering. By the time you've recovered from the shock, you realize that he has completely disappeared.
You examine the toga
Nice toga. At first glance, you might guess the pig was headed to a fraternity party. But this is a senatorial toga, with a purple stripe. Was it Nero or Caligula who appointed a pig to a high Roman office? At any rate, the idea of a pig senator certainly gives a new meaning to the phrase "pork-barreling."
You show the weapon to the pig
The pig is unimpressed.
Leave
This lobby, allowing access to the rooms of the next-to-next-to-top floor, is in good shape. It is very similar to the lobby below, although the ceiling may be a bit lower. Here there are only three passages. Two of them (to the n and e) are normal passages, but one, to the s, is oddly constrained. It has an ominous sign above it. The main stairway leads d, while another staircase, straight and narrow, allows passage u to the next floor.

A distracted figure blunders in, scratching at his huge beard. The man wears loose clothing. He's reading intently from a Jean Genet novel. He mutters, "Punk pretty soon becomes criminal. Jailed, criminal becomes, soon, pretty punk."

He blunders out, using motions that seem to be exactly the reverse of the ones he made when entering. By the time you've recovered from the shock, you realize that he has completely disappeared.
You go south
"LISTEN WELL!" a sonorous voice booms out, in attempted hollowness. "Know ye that passage back through here is difficult for some, impossible for others! Should you wish to transport yourself - without your cherished possessions - out of these constrained confines, have your controlling consciouness type the magic command: START!"

Small, shadowy, stifling study. Softwood slats (stain: sandy) surround.

Stuff: ... stylus.
You snatch the stylus
[ ... ]
You snatch the stylus
Snagging satisfaction!

[+3.]
Go north
Even the light fixture has been removed from this squarish bedroom, which is in much better repair than most of the rest of the house. It seems to have been freshly painted, in puce. The exit is south.

A pig sits here calmly. He is quiet and oddly attired.
You look at the pig
The pig seems extremely well-behaved, even a bit stately. He is wearing a distinctive toga.
Pray
Nothing practical results from your prayer.
Inventory
You are carrying:
... stylus
Outhsay
The pig looks up at you with a smile, understanding the language you're speaking.

Although the pig lends an ear to you, he doesn't seem able, or inclined, to carry out your request.

[+8.]
Ogay outhsay
The pig looks up at you with a smile, understanding the language you're speaking.

The pig glances in the direction indicated.

The pig proceeds at a moderate gait, moving along as you asked.
You ask Pig,  to go downward
The pig shrugs. Perhaps you need to address him in a language he understands.
Go downward
The lobby of the mansion's initial floor - the one above the ground floor - is an ordinary and fairly well-maintained room. There are some things scrawled on the ground here, in the contractor's handwriting: '1 object' is written to the n, while toward the other three exits on this floor '2' is scrawled. The stairway that runs d to the foyer turns and continues u, to the next floor. The constrained passages to the s, e, w, and n look as if they might spell trouble. Or perhaps they simply spell 'SEWN.'

A pig sits here calmly. He is quiet and oddly attired.

Your object-sensitive eyes also notice: ... sizable sofa.

A distracted figure with frizzy hair blunders in. The man is clad in loose clothing and peers at a fashion magazine he is holding open before him. On one page are some nicely-dressed women; the facing page has an image of some textile machine. The man mutters, partly to himself and partly as if he were addressing the magazine, "Girls, attractive dresses that loom here this second certainly second this here loom that dresses attractive girls."

He blunders out, using motions that seem to be exactly the reverse of the ones he made when entering. By the time you've recovered from the shock, you realize he has completely disappeared.
P.
What do you want to open?
Ntereay umpsterday
The pig looks up at you with a smile, understanding the language you're speaking.

The pig didn't seem to understand your request, however.
Up
The lobby of the mansion's initial floor - the one above the ground floor - is an ordinary and fairly well-maintained room. There are some things scrawled on the ground here, in the contractor's handwriting: '1 object' is written to the north, while toward the other three exits on this floor '2' is scrawled. The stairway that runs down to the foyer turns and continues up, to the next floor. The constrained passages to the north, east, west, and south look as if they might spell trouble. Or perhaps they simply spell 'NEWS.'

A pig sits here calmly. He is quiet and oddly attired.

Your object-sensitive eyes also notice: ... sizable sofa.
Go downwards
This is the mansion's spacious ground-floor antechamber. The wallpaper is peeling and bits of plaster have fallen from the ceiling here and there. There is a stairway, stable enough to ascend. The big area to the w must have once been a separate room, but the demolition crew seems to have already taken out a wall. A living room is e. On the s side is the front door. A Dumpster has been dumped here.
A pig sits here calmly. He is quiet and oddly attired.

A door to the n, leading out back, is open.
Aketay ofasay
The pig looks up at you with a smile, understanding the language you're speaking.

Although the pig lends an ear to you, he doesn't seem able, or inclined, to carry out your request.
You take the sofa
Sizable sofa sits solidly, stubborn.
You examine the stairs
The stairway stands undemolished, ready to convey you in a vertical direction. You can just type that direction, as is traditional.
Umpjay intoway umpsterday
The pig looks up at you with a smile, understanding the language you're speaking.

The pig didn't seem to understand your request, however.

The pig looks up at you with a smile, understanding the language you're speaking.

Although the pig lends an ear to you, he doesn't seem able, or inclined, to carry out your request.

A distracted figure with wide, glistening eyes blunders in. The bearded man wears loose clothing and is looking at a tiny, hand-held television set. He tunes it, then shakes his head in disgust. "Again? 'Never Say Never Again'?"

He blunders out, using motions that seem to be exactly the reverse of the ones he made when entering. By the time you've recovered from the shock, you realize he has completely disappeared.
Go upward
The lobby of the mansion's initial floor - the one above the ground floor - is an ordinary and fairly well-maintained room. There are some things scrawled on the ground here, in the contractor's handwriting: '1 object' is written to the n, while toward the other three exits on this floor '2' is scrawled. The stairway that runs d to the foyer turns and continues u, to the next floor. The constrained passages to the n, e, w, and s look as if they might spell trouble. Or perhaps they simply spell 'NEWS.'

Your object-sensitive eyes notice: ... sizable sofa.
You go east
Built-in shelves, now bare, line this room. All are of pitted wood, fixed in place, with subtle grain running horizontally. The bare shelves still sag a bit, a reminder that they long bore a heavy load of books. There seem to be a few things left on the shelves.

Your object-sensitive eyes notice: ... copybook... abecedarian book... dust casing... wee writ.
Examine copybook
This little notebook has something originally published by Town Glow Books copied out in it. The title is "Footwords to Howl, for Solomon." The author is Onon Gonsborg.
You get the copybook
A mysterious force holds the book to the built-in shelves. "Rules must be observed in the library," says a full, sonorous voice, clearly attempting to sound hollow.
Burn book
This dangerous act would achieve little.
You examine abecedarian book
This book is tiny, with a total of 32 pages. It is entitled "ABC." The author is Robert Pinsky. It seems to have been published by a different three letters of the alphabet, FSG.
You read the page 1
What do you want to read in?
You look at your surroundings
Built-in shelves, now bare, line this room. All are of pitted wood, fixed in place, with subtle grain running horizontally. The bare shelves still sag a bit, a reminder that they long bore a heavy load of books.

Your object-sensitive eyes notice: ... copybook... abecedarian book... dust casing... wee writ.
You look at the dust casing
This dust jacket's most obvious feature is a large lowercase "e" with a red "no" slash-in-a-circle around it. It came off of the novel "A Void," which is Gilbert Adair's Translation of "La Disparition." The original French novel is apparently by George Perec, and was written entirely without recourse to a certain frequently-used letter. The English translation is similarly constrained. From the way the dust jacket is folded, it seems like "A Void" - wherever that absent book may be - is a sizable volume.

From the looks of the dust casing, these used to be a large bug sitting upon it, which has been completely smashed. Completely. Don't even bother referring to the bug at this point. It's not there. It's gone.
You pick up the dust casing
Success! Taken.

A distracted figure with a huge bushy beard blunders in. The man wears loose clothing and has a cell phone up against his head. He takes the cell phone from his ear and stares at it, muttering, "Hold on? Me old silly put silly old me on hold!"

He blunders out, using motions that seem to be exactly the reverse of the ones he made when entering. By the time you've recovered from the shock, you realize he has completely disappeared.
Examine writ
This is a wee piece of paper, with the title "Top Row Retort." The author's name doesn't seem to be completely printed beneath that title, but something that looks like "-i-- -o-t-ort" does appear there. A busted U.S. keyboard appears on the cover. Most of the letters have been removed from this, leaving only 'QWERTYUIOP.'
Pry writ
Success! Taken.
Look around
Built-in shelves, now bare, line this room. All are of pitted wood, fixed in place, with subtle grain running horizontally. The bare shelves still sag a bit, a reminder that they long bore a heavy load of books.

Your object-sensitive eyes notice: ... copybook... abecedarian book.
Examine copybook
This little notebook has something originally published by Town Glow Books copied out in it. The title is "Footwords to Howl, for Solomon." The author is Onon Gonsborg.
You get ABC
A mysterious force holds the book to the built-in shelves. "Look," says a somewhat frustrated sonorous voice that has given up trying to sound hollow, "I should make you read the hints to find out about this, but I'm getting fed up. You have to use a command that obeys the constraint of the text you're trying to take. Understand? Look, check the hint file if you still don't get it. I don't really care about that stuff myself. But I'm just the warning voice, you know. I'm not able to let you have the damn thing, you see. If it were my choice..." The voice trails off.
You get it
A mysterious force holds the book to the built-in shelves. You hear a somewhat hollow-sounding sigh.
You read ABC
The text is very short. In fact, there are only 26 words, each printed on a page of its own. One page is occupied by a lone typographical symbol, and a simply-presented half-title page and title page round out the slim volume. The copyright page indicates the poem is copyright 2000 by Robert Pinsky and appears in this virtual environment with his permission.

Any body can die, evidently. Few
go happily, irradiating joy,

knowledge, love. Many
need oblivion, painkillers,
quickest respite.

Sweet time unafflicted,
various world:

X = your zenith.
Acquire book
Success! Taken.

[+10.]
Go downwards
This is the mansion's spacious ground-floor antechamber. The wallpaper is peeling and bits of plaster have fallen from the ceiling here and there. There is a stairway, stable enough to ascend. The big area to the w must have once been a separate room, but the demolition crew seems to have already taken out a wall. A living room is e. On the s side is the front door. A Dumpster has been dumped here.

A door to the n, leading out back, is open.

A pig sits here calmly. He is quiet and oddly attired.
You put the book in Dumpster
You put the abecedarian book into the Dumpster.
You put the copybook in Dumpster
You put the copybook into the Dumpster.
You put the writ in Dumpster
You put the wee writ into the Dumpster.
You put the casing in Dumpster
You put the dust casing into the Dumpster.
You put the stylus in Dumpster
You put the stylus into the Dumpster.
You put the weapon in Dumpster
You put the wooden weapon into the Dumpster.
Up
The lobby of the mansion's initial floor - the one above the ground floor - is an ordinary and fairly well-maintained room. There are some things scrawled on the ground here, in the contractor's handwriting: '1 object' is written to the north, while toward the other three exits on this floor '2' is scrawled. The stairway that runs down to the foyer turns and continues up, to the next floor. The constrained passages to the north, east, west, and south look as if they might spell trouble. Or perhaps they simply spell 'NEWS.'

Your object-sensitive eyes notice: ... sizable sofa.
You examine the couch
The couch is about the size that the sofa was. It looks about as comfy, too.
Examine daybed
The daybed is actually larger than the sofa and couch were, although it looks a bit more comfortable. That's slight consolation, since it's going to be even harder to get it down the stairs now.
You examine the loveseat
Wonderfully, this loveseat is fairly small, although it looks pretty tacky - it's a sort of pale green with white flowers. But so what? You might manage to pick it up and get it down the stairs and into the Dumpster.
You get the loveseat
It's not going to be easy to lift this, even though it's much smaller now. Here's what we can try: lifting the loveseat, quickly proceeding down the stairs with it, and setting it down directly into the Dumpster. Sound good?
Yes
All right, here we go...

Taken.

This is the mansion's spacious ground-floor antechamber. The wallpaper is peeling and bits of plaster have fallen from the ceiling here and there. There is a stairway, stable enough to ascend. The big area to the west must have once been a separate room, but the demolition crew seems to have already taken out a wall. A living room is east. On the south side is the front door. A Dumpster has been dumped here.

A door to the north, leading out back, is open.

A pig sits here calmly. He is quiet and oddly attired.
You put the lovely loveseat into the Dumpster.

Whew!

[+5.]
You search Dumpster
In the Dumpster are ... lovely loveseat, ... wooden weapon, ... stylus, ... dust casing, ... wee writ, ... copybook, ... abecedarian book, ... stainless steel stapler, ... weird widget, ... evil effigy, ... earthen ewer, ... nifty nappy and ... toy dinosaur.
Go upwards
The lobby of the mansion's initial floor - the one above the ground floor - is an ordinary and fairly well-maintained room. There are some things scrawled on the ground here, in the contractor's handwriting: '1 object' is written to the n, while toward the other three exits on this floor '2' is scrawled. The stairway that runs d to the foyer turns and continues u, to the next floor. The constrained passages to the s, e, w, and n look as if they might spell trouble. Or perhaps they simply spell 'SEWN.'
Go upward
This lobby, allowing access to the rooms of the next-to-next-to-top floor, is in good shape. It is very similar to the lobby below, although the ceiling may be a bit lower. Here there are only three passages. Two of them (to the n and e) are normal passages, but one, to the s, is oddly constrained. It has an ominous sign above it. The main stairway leads d, while another staircase, straight and narrow, allows passage u to the next floor.
Go upwards
At this level the house is neither as broad or as long as it is on the ground floor. There seems to only be one other room on this floor, through a constrained double doorway to the w. One thin, unpainted stairway leads u into darkness from here. Another one, almost as narrow, leads d.
You go to the west
"LISTEN WELL!" a sonorous voice booms out, in attempted hollowness. "Know ye that passage back through here is difficult for some, impossible for others! Should you wish to transport yourself - without your cherished possessions - out of these constrained confines, have your controlling consciouness type the magic command: APPROACH THE APPROACH!"

This is a reasonably-sized bedroom, laid out symmetrically. On the room's centerline is a scan of two photographs, framed and affixed to the wall. A double doorway, now bereft of doors but clearly marked "EXIT," leads out, to the e.

Fortunately, someone's already cleared out the twin beds.

(The mansion, incidentally, like many adventure game houses, seems rather inadequately supplied with bathrooms. Perhaps there are certain adventurer functions that are better elided, though.)

Your object-sensitive eyes notice: ... pile of feed.
You look at the pile
[ ... ]
You look at the pile
Type the type of thing that is permitted here.
You look at the pile the x.
Yadda yadda.
Pile pile
Further heaping cannot be done. The pile is as piled as it's going to get.
Feed feed
(to yourself)
You're not going to eat that feed yourself! You're not getting paid enough to do to that.
You look look
You assume the most debonair adventurer stance possible, glancing around at the room as you do so, much as an assiduous adventurer would.
Elip pile
This is a reasonably-sized bedroom, laid out symmetrically. On the room's centerline is a scan of two photographs, framed and affixed to the wall. A double doorway, now bereft of doors but clearly marked "EXIT," leads out, to the e.

Fortunately, someone's already cleared out the twin beds.

Your object-sensitive eyes notice: ... pile of feed.

Yadda yadda.
You walk the the walk
You strut around the room, walking the walk. But you haven't said where you wish to go.
You talk the the talk
"SE. NE. OPEN WINDOW. W." you say enthusiastically, talking the talk of an adventurer.
Scan scan
The scan of the two photographs is set in a frame that is actually nailed to the wall. This is too bad, because of course you would like to take this object. But since it is fixed to the structure, it means the job of getting it downstairs falls to someone else.

The photo on the left side of the scan is of a famous cello player: Yo Yo Ma. The photo on the right depicts a man standing behind a United Nations podium. It's Boutros Boutros Ghali.
Frame frame
You try to make it look as if the frame has actually committed the murder.
Frame frame
You make a little square out of your hands and look through it at the frame and enclosed scan, imagining how it would look as a photograph. It would be pretty boring.
Go downwards
The lobby of the mansion's initial floor - the one above the ground floor - is an ordinary and fairly well-maintained room. There are some things scrawled on the ground here, in the contractor's handwriting: '1 object' is written to the n, while toward the other three exits on this floor '2' is scrawled. The stairway that runs d to the foyer turns and continues u, to the next floor. The constrained passages to the n, e, w, and s look as if they might spell trouble. Or perhaps they simply spell 'NEWS.'
Go downwards
This is the mansion's spacious ground-floor antechamber. The wallpaper is peeling and bits of plaster have fallen from the ceiling here and there. There is a stairway, stable enough to ascend. The big area to the w must have once been a separate room, but the demolition crew seems to have already taken out a wall. A living room is e. On the s side is the front door. A Dumpster has been dumped here.

A door to the n, leading out back, is open.

A pig sits here calmly. He is quiet and oddly attired.
Ogay upway
The pig looks up at you with a smile, understanding the language you're speaking.

The pig glances in the direction indicated.

The pig proceeds at a moderate gait, moving along as you asked.
Up
The lobby of the mansion's initial floor - the one above the ground floor - is an ordinary and fairly well-maintained room. There are some things scrawled on the ground here, in the contractor's handwriting: '1 object' is written to the north, while toward the other three exits on this floor '2' is scrawled. The stairway that runs down to the foyer turns and continues up, to the next floor. The constrained passages to the south, east, west, and north look as if they might spell trouble. Or perhaps they simply spell 'SEWN.'

A pig sits here calmly. He is quiet and oddly attired.
Go upward
This lobby, allowing access to the rooms of the next-to-next-to-top floor, is in good shape. It is very similar to the lobby below, although the ceiling may be a bit lower. Here there are only three passages. Two of them (to the n and e) are normal passages, but one, to the s, is oddly constrained. It has an ominous sign above it. The main stairway leads d, while another staircase, straight and narrow, allows passage u to the next floor.

A pig sits here calmly. He is quiet and oddly attired.
Ogay estway
The pig looks up at you with a smile, understanding the language you're speaking.

The pig glances in the direction indicated.

The pig does not seem troubled by the constrained double doors west. The pig proceeds at a moderate gait, moving along as you asked.
Go west
This is a reasonably-sized bedroom, laid out symmetrically. On the room's centerline is a scan of two photographs, framed and affixed to the wall. A double doorway, now bereft of doors but clearly marked "EXIT," leads out, to the e.

Fortunately, someone's already cleared out the twin beds.

A pig sits here calmly. He is quiet and oddly attired.

Your object-sensitive eyes also notice: ... pile of feed.
Feed feed
(to pig)
The pig smiles at your polite offer of the feed and delicately (but quickly) nibbles away at the pile, consuming all of it. Sated, the pig departs. You hear the stately animal clopping down flight after flight of stairs. Then the front door swings open and shut, and the sounds are no more.

[+6.]
You go west
Yadda yadda.
You feel
What do you want to feel?
You jump
You jump on the spot, fruitlessly.
You look at the widget
Wow! Wacky, wireless widget, worked whimsically with whorls. Widget's workings? Well ... widget wants worth. Warrantless widget!
You look at weapon
Weighty. Whittled walnut. Warrior's worthy weapon.
You look at the effigy
Enemy effigy. Extreme enormity evident. Execrable evildoer!
You look at the dinosaur
The toy dinosaur looks like a triceratops. It is made of injection-molded plastic, and colored the same pale, milky green all over.
You look at the stylus
Small stylus, straight, short. Stylus shan't suit staff, studiously scribbling symbols. Styptic stylus! Shaving scratch? Smooth stylus, soothing sorrowful slit - salvation.
You take all from Dumpster
lovely loveseat: This furniture isn't going anywhere like that.
wooden weapon: Removed.
stylus: Removed.
dust casing: Removed.
wee writ: Removed.
copybook: Removed.
abecedarian book: Removed.
stainless steel stapler: Removed.
weird widget: Removed.
evil effigy: Removed.
earthen ewer: Removed.
nifty nappy: Removed.
toy dinosaur: Removed.
Go up
The lobby of the mansion's initial floor - the one above the ground floor - is an ordinary and fairly well-maintained room. There are some things scrawled on the ground here, in the contractor's handwriting: '1 object' is written to the n, while toward the other three exits on this floor '2' is scrawled. The stairway that runs d to the foyer turns and continues u, to the next floor. The constrained passages to the n, e, w, and s look as if they might spell trouble. Or perhaps they simply spell 'NEWS.'
Go upward
This lobby, allowing access to the rooms of the next-to-next-to-top floor, is in good shape. It is very similar to the lobby below, although the ceiling may be a bit lower. Here there are only three passages. Two of them (to the n and e) are normal passages, but one, to the s, is oddly constrained. It has an ominous sign above it. The main stairway leads d, while another staircase, straight and narrow, allows passage u to the next floor.
Go up
This is the mansion's top floor. The whole level, barely illuminated in the pale, milky glow of the toy dinosaur, is one large room. It seems partially finished, like an attic. Fiberglass insulation bulges between bare boards. There are no windows. A stairway leads d.

Your object-sensitive eyes notice: ... manual.

[+5.]
You examine the insulation
The insulation is pink, sort of fuzzy, and with a strange sort of medical or metallic glitter. An outfit made of this material might serve as fetishwear for a Sesame Street character.
You get the insulation
You lose your grip on the insulation as you attempt to pull out a bit. It doesn't look like it can be taken, in this case.
You examine AA
It's a shiny PowerTreat-brand AA cell.
Go downward
This lobby, allowing access to the rooms of the next-to-next-to-top floor, is in good shape. It is very similar to the lobby below, although the ceiling may be a bit lower. Here there are only three passages. Two of them (to the n and e) are normal passages, but one, to the s, is oddly constrained. It has an ominous sign above it. The main stairway leads d, while another staircase, straight and narrow, allows passage u to the next floor.
Go down
The lobby of the mansion's initial floor - the one above the ground floor - is an ordinary and fairly well-maintained room. There are some things scrawled on the ground here, in the contractor's handwriting: '1 object' is written to the n, while toward the other three exits on this floor '2' is scrawled. The stairway that runs d to the foyer turns and continues u, to the next floor. The constrained passages to the s, e, w, and n look as if they might spell trouble. Or perhaps they simply spell 'SEWN.'
Go north
Here's a sort of small, enclosed backyard, closed in with a high wooden fence and completely covered with asphalt.

A door to the s, leading inside, is open.

There's one of those robotic puppies - the latest fad - here.

The puppy quips: "Your momma got interested in Infocom games 'cause she thought there was one called 'Witless.'"
You give the battery to the dog
Yips of pleasure sound as the robot puppy take the AA cell and chews on it playfully.

The robot puppy rolls about happily, chewing on the AA cell.
You take the puppy
The robotic puppy is endowed with locomotive abilities that are as quick and random as its prepackaged wit. It scuttles away from you quickly.

The robot puppy rolls about happily, chewing on the AA cell.
You ask Puppy,  to go south
The puppy doesn't seem to notice you speaking to it. Perhaps this cut-rate model doesn't accept voice commands or queries.

The robot puppy rolls about happily, chewing on the AA cell.
You take the cell
After a bit of effort, you wrest the AA cell from the puppy's robotic mouth. The puppy yips at you playfully.

The robot puppy yips and bounds about near you without taunting you.
You show the cell to the puppy
The robot puppy yips gleefully and bounds in your direction at the sight of the shiny AA cell you are holding out.

The robot puppy yips and bounds about near you without taunting you.
Go south
This is the mansion's spacious ground-floor antechamber. The wallpaper is peeling and bits of plaster have fallen from the ceiling here and there. There is a stairway, stable enough to ascend. The big area to the w must have once been a separate room, but the demolition crew seems to have already taken out a wall. A living room is e. On the s side is the front door. A Dumpster has been dumped here.

A door to the n, leading out back, is open.

There's one of those robotic puppies - the latest fad - here.

The robot puppy yips and bounds about near you without taunting you.
You put AA cell in Dumpster
The puppy hops into the Dumpster, chasing the AA cell. Robot jaws clamp upon the shiny treat happily. The puppy settles down in the Dumpster to play with the AA cell.

The puppy is now busy chewing on the AA cell in the Dumpster.

[+10.]