Spider
Andrew Schultz
based on songs cover art They Might Be Giants
A story about summer camp, government funding, and a physics problem or two. And weird robot spiders.
%
Math camp's been cool so far, and not because it's far away from your parents. A grant from some governmental symposium for the math and the arts paid for it. You got to meet new people like you, except most of them seem to have had more cool experiences.

You are in the center of the Main Quad at Hicksville Tech. Paths lead in all directions. You've been here a few days, but you still haven't really explored west and northwest.

Afternoon classes for Math Camp are over, and you just feel like wandering around a bit.
About yourself
Shorts and a plain gray t-shirt. You've come under a bit of fire for having no T-shirts with clever writing.

This after hearing it for having too many back at high school.
You look at what you're carrying with you
You are carrying:
your summer program ID
You look at the ithe d.
It really could have been worse. It will make a decent souvenir of summer camp, if you find nothing better.
You read the program
It hasn't changed since last you looked. It's like laminated or something.
You go west
That way look promising enough to get sort-of lost in, but it's not really a forest. You see the Admissions Office just past. It ruins the feeling of exploration completely. You return to the Quad.
Go northwest
You're only lost enough to feel a little adventurous. You think. One direction is as good as any other.
You go north
You wander around for a bit. It's a fun experience, being a bit lost. It reminds you of Boy Scout camp, back when you were still a Tenderfoot, and you didn't know a thing about tracking. Of course you'll find your way out of here, though.

You're only lost enough to feel a little adventurous. You think. One direction is as good as any other.
You go west
You wander around for a bit. Hmm, this is more of a challenge than you thought. Still, it's some exercise, especially with team sports not really being an option at this camp.

You're only lost enough to feel a little adventurous. You think. One direction is as good as any other.
You go to the north
You wander around for a bit. You aren't really lost, of course. If you were, you'd have gone in circles by now. You are pretty sure you can backtrack.

You're only lost enough to feel a little adventurous. You think. One direction is as good as any other.
Go north
You wander around for a bit. Uh oh... the campus isn't that big, though, is it? I mean, eventually you can hit a road and just go back perpendicular from it.

You're only lost enough to feel a little adventurous. You think. One direction is as good as any other.
You go southwest
You wander around for a bit. And there that road is. You aren't sure if you were going in the directions you thought you were going, but you found somewhere new.

You're only lost enough to feel a little adventurous. You think. One direction is as good as any other.
Go west
You wander around for a bit. And there that road is. You aren't sure if you were going in the directions you thought you were going, but you found somewhere new.

Hey, kind of odd to see a limousine parked here. It's not an obnoxiously rich limousine, more the forbiddingly secret type.
You look at the limousine
It's dark all over, of course.
You open the limo
You approach the limousine. A man in a black suit jumps out of the limousine and grabs you. "You're with that math program, right?" You suspect he knows the answer, so you nod. "We need you for something," he says, as he flashes some sort of governmental badge. "Just to check. You do have ID?"

Well, at least these questions are easier than the ones you get in class or at the daily theorem presentation.
You show the ithe d to the man
"Good. Will you come with us, please?"

No choice, really. You climb in the back seat, and the FBI agent joins a CIA agent in the front, who drives off.

Tinted soundproof glass divides you from the agents in the front. You probably can't do much except wait.

You can see a FBI agent and a CIA agent here.
You look around
Tinted soundproof glass divides you from the agents in the front. You probably can't do much except wait.

You can see a FBI agent and a CIA agent here.

Apparently, you spent more time figuring out what to do than you thought. The limousine takes a turn off to a side road and enters some sort of garage. You can feel it going down a hill, and then it comes to a halt. The agents beckon for you to get out, and you do. What have you gotten yourself in for?

"Okay, here's the deal," says the FBI man. "We had this problem in this one weapons facility. The laser guns worked ok but the mutant robot spiders...not so much. We need to wipe all traces of 'em from this here research facility. Then we need to sort of destroy the facility. But we can't just bomb it. Too suspicious. We need someone to go in there, clear the spiders, and get out."

You know who that someone is.

"Oh, if you're wondering what you get out of it, the budget for your precious camp doesn't get cut. This year. We've done statistical studies, and Hicksville's program provides the worst return on investment for--well--people who go out in the world and do something constructive. How bout it?"

You have no choice. The FBI agent disappears after handing you a bag labeled SPIDER COMBATING KIT.

You are in the center of the structure. You can go pretty much any way except south. The exit from all this appears to be to the north, where you can see a very, very big laser gun in the distance.

There's an important looking panel by the north wall. It's got a bunch of buttons on it, with a bunch of pictures to the side.

A large mirror (facing sort of between north and northeast--we'll call it NNE, NEN or even ENN) is at the edge of the platform.
Examine KIT
It sort of reminds you of what you guess Douglas Adams was thinking about when he came up with the Thing Your Aunt Gave You Which You Don't Know What It Is. It's bulky and maybe a bit spiky and can be zipped open or closed. It's maybe twice the size of a school backpack and probably more than twice as fun.
You open the KIT
Man! There's all kinds of weird stuff in here! Stuff so weird you just have to examine it for yourself!
Examine Kit
It's cool enough you'd like one, but the government types will probably confiscate it if you figure out how to leave anyway.

In the Spider combating Kit are a recursive data chip, a pack of 104 cards, a leg steroid pill, a juicy gourmet fly casserole, an In-a-Pinch Infrasound Generator, a mini-vacuum, Packet of instant lemonade and a spray bottle.
You examine cards
Strange. They're all the same suit.
You look at buttons
There's a big button at the top, then six more in a sort of hexagon. Hm, seven buttons, seven guns, seven exits.

## 3   ## 4
## 5 ## 6

[BOLD buttons are still active, and * means the button's gun is destroyed. To see an individual button, X BUTTON (1-7).]
Examine pill
Probably small enough to sneak into something. It's one of those hard capsules, not easily dissolvable gel.
You examine the casserole
It looks worse than the stuff in the cafeteria. Well, to you.
Examine generator
It has writing saying ONE USE ONLY on it.

The In-a-Pinch Infrasound Generator is currently switched off.
You examine the vacuum
It's got a bag about the size of a basketball. You probably won't be using it to clean dust.

The mini-vacuum is currently switched off.
You look at the bottle
You can see a soapy solution in there (you shook it up a bit.)
You look at the button 1
It's in the upper left of the panel. It is currently lit.
You look at the mirror
It is facing northnortheast at the moment, but it looks like you can tilt it--feel free to abbreviate directions, too, e.g. N or NNE.
Describe the surroundings
You are in the center of the structure. You can go pretty much any way except south. The exit from all this appears to be to the north, where you can see a very, very big laser gun in the distance.

There's an important looking panel by the north wall. It's got a bunch of buttons on it, with a bunch of pictures to the side.

A large mirror (facing NNE) is at the edge of the platform.
You examine the pictures
It's got a picture of a bigger gun firing at a smaller gun, with a big smiley face. Then one of a much bigger gun firing at a smaller one, with a frowny face above a shattered gun.
You examine the gun
Back when you loved GI Joe and thought all lasers missed, you'd have thought the super-big gun to the north was all that. Now, it's a bit scary.
You go to the northeast
You are on a small circular platform between narrow railed catwalks leading southwest and east.

A large mirror (facing north) is at the edge of the platform.

You can also see a vicious red spider here.
You examine Spider
(the vicious red spider)
You see nothing special about the vicious red spider.
You hug Spider
(the vicious red spider)
Keep your mind on the game.
You switch on the vacuum
It sucks the spider into the bag.
You look around
You are on a small circular platform between narrow railed catwalks leading southwest and east.

A large mirror (facing north) is at the edge of the platform.
Go upwards
The catwalk is too narrow for you to really explore.
You go to the east
You are on a small circular platform between narrow railed catwalks leading southeast and west.

A large mirror (facing SW) is at the edge of the platform.

You can also see a spider with some disturbing toupee thing here.
You examine Spider
KS LEADIn(a spider with some disturbing toupee thing)
At least it doesn't have sideburns or anything. You're not sure where they'd go, but hey, small things.
You take the toupee
That seems to be a part of a spider with some disturbing toupee thing.
You turn on the vacuum
The bag is too full.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a Spider combating Kit (open)
a recursive data chip
a pack of 104 cards
a leg steroid pill
a juicy gourmet fly casserole
an In-a-Pinch Infrasound Generator
a mini-vacuum
Packet of instant lemonade
a spray bottle
your summer program ID
You turn on the generator
DIN(A SPIDER WITH It reduces the spider to a weeping mess.
You turn off the generator
That's already off.
Go southeast
You are on a small circular platform between narrow railed catwalks leading northwest and south.

A large mirror (facing sort of between north and northwest--we'll call it NNW, NWN or even WNN) is at the edge of the platform.

You can also see a wheezing metallic spider here.
You examine Spider
(the wheezing metallic spider)
You see nothing special about the wheezing metallic spider.
You examine the spray
SPIDER You can see a soapy solution in there (you shook it up a bit.)
You spray SPIDER
What do you want to spray the wheezing metallic spider at?
You spray the spray at SPIDER
(the wheezing metallic spider)
There's no liquid in the bottle to spray right now.
You look at the bottle
You can see a soapy solution in there (you shook it up a bit.)
You put lemonade in the bottle
(first taking Packet of instant lemonade)

That can't contain things.
You open the lemonade
Just say where you want to POUR it.
You pour the lemonade in the bottle
You pour the lemonade powder in the spray bottle. You put the ripped packet in your shorts pocket, where you will forget about it.
You spray the spray at SPIDER
(the wheezing metallic spider)
It's a vicious battle, but after pumping all of the lemony scent onto the spider, you finally make it run away.
There's no liquid in the bottle to spray right now.
You look at the pill
RAY AT Probably small enough to sneak into something. It's one of those hard capsules, not easily dissolvable gel.
You put the pill in the casserole
(Taking the pill first)

Taken.

The spider probably won't notice it there. Good thinking.
You check what you're carrying
You are carrying:
a Spider combating Kit (open)
a recursive data chip
a pack of 104 cards
a juicy gourmet fly casserole
an In-a-Pinch Infrasound Generator
a mini-vacuum
a spray bottle
your summer program ID
You turn on the generator
It's broken.
You give the cards to Spider
(the wheezing metallic spider)
(first taking the pack of 104 cards)
The spider grabs the pack. It schleps them into eight piles and then starts laying them down suit by suit. Then it starts trying to put them in K-Q-J-10 order. It doesn't seem to be having any fun, but it can't stop doing it. There's also some deal where it splatters eight cards at a time. The spider becomes increasingly agitated until it explodes.

You aren't sure what the hell happened, but--man--that looked even less fun than solitaire. Oh, you can probably futz with that mirror now.
Go south
Spiderbrain Center
You are in the center of the structure. You can go pretty much any way except south. The exit from all this appears to be to the north, where you can see a very, very big laser gun in the distance.

There's an important looking panel by the north wall. It's got a bunch of buttons on it, with a bunch of pictures to the side.

A large mirror (facing NNE) is at the edge of the platform.

There's a big tall shiny wall that way. But you can go pretty much any other way.
You go to the southwest
You are on a small circular platform between narrow railed catwalks leading northeast and south.

A large mirror (facing east) is at the edge of the platform.

You can also see a spider with two noses or maybe three here.
You examine Spider
(a spider with two noses or maybe three)
You're not sure which noses share which nostril, or what. You picture the spider wearing a fake glasses-and-moustache, for no particular reason.
You give the casserole to Spider
> YOU ARE In(a spider with two noses or maybe three)
(first taking the juicy gourmet fly casserole)
The spider eats the casserole, and then its legs swell. It falls over, unable to guard you from the mirror any more. You kick it off to the side.
You go northeast
You are in the center of the structure. You can go pretty much any way except south. The exit from all this appears to be to the north, where you can see a very, very big laser gun in the distance.

There's an important looking panel by the north wall. It's got a bunch of buttons on it, with a bunch of pictures to the side.

A large mirror (facing NNE) is at the edge of the platform.
You go west
You are on a small circular platform between narrow railed catwalks leading southwest and east.

A large mirror (facing east) is at the edge of the platform.

You can also see a confusingly mustachioed spider here.
You examine Spider
(the confusingly mustachioed spider)
The mustache seems asymmetrical, a cross between a standard brush mustache and a handlebar. You wonder if people did this, or the spider groomed itself. It's disturbing either way.
You give the chip to Spider
W RAILED CATWALKS Le(the confusingly mustachioed spider)
(first taking the recursive data chip)
The spider latches onto it and begins to crawl all over it and process it. But because the chip is recursive, the spider can't stop. It tries to calculate faster and faster but winds up blowing itself out, and the chip with it.
Go northwest
You are on a small circular platform between narrow railed catwalks leading southeast and west.

A large mirror (facing sort of between south and southeast--we'll call it SSE, SES or even ESS) is at the edge of the platform.

You can also see an accordion-legged spider here.
You examine Spider
SPIDER)
((the accordion-legged spider)
You see nothing special about the accordion-legged spider.
You spray Spider
What do you want to spray the accordion-legged spider at?
You spray the spray at Spider
(the accordion-legged spider)
It's a vicious battle, but after pumping all of the lemony scent onto the spider, you finally make it run away.
There's no liquid in the bottle to spray right now.
You go to the southwest
The catwalk is too narrow for you to really explore.
You describe your surroundings
You are on a small circular platform between narrow railed catwalks leading southeast and west.

A large mirror (facing SSE) is at the edge of the platform.
Go north
So Close
A large mirror (facing east) is at the edge of the platform.
Look around
A large mirror (facing east) is at the edge of the platform.
You look at the buttons
There's a big button at the top, then six more in a sort of hexagon. Looks like zero aren't really functional any more.

## 3   ## 4
## 5 ## 6
You examine the buttons
E EDGE OF There's a big button at the top, then six more in a sort of hexagon. Looks like zero aren't really functional any more.

## 3   ## 4
## 5 ## 6

[BOLD buttons are still active, and * means the button's gun is destroyed. To see an individual button, X BUTTON (1-7).]
Go northeast
You are on a small circular platform between narrow railed catwalks leading southwest and east.

A large mirror (facing north) is at the edge of the platform.
Tilt mirror nnw
Moved. But you're not sure if you did anything.
Go northeast
You are on a small circular platform between narrow railed catwalks leading southwest and east.

A large mirror (facing NNW) is at the edge of the platform.
Tilt mirror sse
It slides in with a satisfying CLICK. How satisfying, you're not sure.
Tilt mirror north
Moved...the mirror seems to wobble a bit, as if it's been moved around a lot.
You go northwest
Near Left Spider Leg
You are on a small circular platform between narrow railed catwalks leading southeast and west.

A large mirror (facing SSE) is at the edge of the platform.
Tilt mirror ssw
It slides in with a satisfying CLICK. Not as satisfying as the last, but still getting good.
Go southeast
You are in the center of the structure. You can go pretty much any way except south. The exit from all this appears to be to the north, where you can see a very, very big laser gun in the distance.

There's an important looking panel by the north wall. It's got a bunch of buttons on it, with a bunch of pictures to the side.

A large mirror (facing north) is at the edge of the platform.
You examine the buttons
> NEAR There's a big button at the top, then six more in a sort of hexagon. Looks like two aren't really functional any more.

* 2
## 3   ## 4
## 5 ## 6
You go west
You are on a small circular platform between narrow railed catwalks leading southwest and east.

A large mirror (facing east) is at the edge of the platform.
You turn the mirror to the sse
You will want to specify a compass direction--something like right, left, clockwise or counterclockwise doesn't quite work.

Alas, widdershins and deiseil don't work either. Just dull stuff like TURN MIRROR N.
You turn the mirror sse
It slides in with a satisfying CLICK. Or maybe it's just a more relieved click you're still doing things right.
You turn the mirror wnw
THEN SIX MORE iMoved.
You examine the buttons
There's a big button at the top, then six more in a sort of hexagon. Looks like two aren't really functional any more.

* 2
## 3   ## 4
## 5 ## 6

[BOLD buttons are still active, and * means the button's gun is destroyed. To see an individual button, X BUTTON (1-7).]
You look at 2
TTOnIt's in the upper right of the panel. It is currently unlit.
Examine 1
It's in the upper left of the panel. It is currently unlit.
Go northeast
You are on a small circular platform between narrow railed catwalks leading southwest and east.

A large mirror (facing SSE) is at the edge of the platform.
Go east
You tiptoe along the catwalk, no longer scared of the gun that can no longer fire.

You can see LaserGun2 here.
You get gun
Taken.
You look at the gun
You see a 4-foot-wide laser gun barrel pointing west here, and you smell ozone faintly--from when it fired, probably.
Go southeast
The catwalk is too narrow for you to really explore.
Go southwest
Spiderbrain Center
You are in the center of the structure. You can go pretty much any way except south. The exit from all this appears to be to the north, where you can see a very, very big laser gun in the distance.

There's an important looking panel by the north wall. It's got a bunch of buttons on it, with a bunch of pictures to the side.

A large mirror (facing sort of between west and northwest--we'll call it WWN, WNW, or even NWW) is at the edge of the platform.
Go north
A large mirror (facing east) is at the edge of the platform.
Tilt mirror north
It's where it should be. No need to tinker.
You go south
You are in the center of the structure. You can go pretty much any way except south. The exit from all this appears to be to the north, where you can see a very, very big laser gun in the distance.

There's an important looking panel by the north wall. It's got a bunch of buttons on it, with a bunch of pictures to the side.

A large mirror (facing WWN) is at the edge of the platform.
You examine the panel
There's a big button at the top, then six more in a sort of hexagon. Looks like two aren't really functional any more.

* 2
## 3   ## 4
## 5 ## 6
Tilt mirror nnw
Moved.
Tilt mirror nnw
It already is.
You look at your surroundings
You are in the center of the structure. You can go pretty much any way except south. The exit from all this appears to be to the north, where you can see a very, very big laser gun in the distance.

There's an important looking panel by the north wall. It's got a bunch of buttons on it, with a bunch of pictures to the side.

A large mirror (facing NNW) is at the edge of the platform.
Go northwest
You are on a small circular platform between narrow railed catwalks leading southeast and west.

A large mirror (facing sort of between south and southwest--we'll call it SSW, SWS or even WSS) is at the edge of the platform.
Go west
You tiptoe along the catwalk, no longer scared of the gun that can no longer fire.

You can see LaserGun1 here.
You look at the gun1
NG. YOuYou can't see any such thing.
You look at the gun
You see a 4-foot-wide laser gun barrel pointing west here, and you smell ozone faintly--from when it fired, probably.
Inventory
You are carrying:
LaserGun2
a juicy gourmet fly casserole
a pack of 104 cards
a Spider combating Kit (open)
an In-a-Pinch Infrasound Generator
a mini-vacuum
a spray bottle
your summer program ID
You get gun
Taken.
Y.
debugcheapnitfol quit with exit status: 0