The Day I saved Elvis
Marius Müller
Penultimate not numbered Speed IF walkthrough
Sees our heroes on the mysterious Voodoo Island.
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Dear Blogreaders,
last time I told you how I and my husband Paul went by yacht to the island of St. Lincoln (quite near Voodoo Island), to deliver the corpse of his late uncle Wally. Well, as you might imagine, it all ended with the yacht being eaten by a demon-possessed kraken. So there I was, confused, and sinking into the lightless depths, not in the least expecting that this might be...
The Day I saved Elvis

You are in a shapeless void. Oh no. This is one of those games.

Before you lingers the unfathomable, nine-armed monstrosity of the giant kraken!
About yourself
As good-looking as ever.
You look at the kraken
Pretty much what's in his intial appearance.
You look at what you're carrying with you
You are carrying nothing.

Well, nice, not one item survived from the first game. Looks like you have only your sharp wit to guide you.

The kraken attacks you and you discover that, not only is he tall as a small house (you know, the one you downgraded to after the recession), but also has far more arms than you. Think of all the bonuses he'd get in D&D. Yes. Ouch.
Punch kraken
As you confront the kraken bare-handed, you discover that, not only is he tall as a small house , but also has far more arms than you, and is also in his home element. Think of all the bonuses he'd get in D&D. Yes. Ouch.
Go up
There are a lot of blocked exits, but the island to the southeast looks promising. There's a crumpled figure on the bach. Paul!
Go southeast
You stumble upon the beach, warm water lapping at your soaked khakis. The figure is indeed Paul. You kneel beside him and gently turn him over. He looks a little worse for wear, but still very much alive. You put a hand on his heart and feel it flutter. Better do some mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, just to be sure. As you come back up, having checked if his tongue is okay in the process, some shadows fall upon you.
You look up and see yourself surrounded by a group of well-armed sharkmen. Mensharks? You are aware of neither the scientific possibility of there being a tribe of undiscovered sharkmen, nor the politically correct term for them.
As you  sit there, gaping at them, quite aware you are staring,
another person comes from their lines. It's a creature in a robe with tentacles for a face, but her commanding voice is clearly female:
"Get the cute one. Kill the other."
Having no illusions about your looks, you get ready to take a few of them with you. So you stand up and read your wit. A group of them, lead by the tentacle-faced lady, leave with an unconscious Paul carried between them.
There is a moment of silence, with only the lapping of the  waves as sound. You never knew there could be uncomfortable silence with a bunch of people about to kill you, but there you have it. Finally you realize they're looking behind you, and as you turn, one swipe from the kraken hurls you screaming into the air.

Down -island, up- clouds, no, down - clouds, up - island - oh no wait...
Look around
You are hurling screaming through the air!

You land in a treetop with a thud. Luckily your fall was broken by the thick canopy of leaves.

You are in the top of some tropical tree.

A liana is hanging from the tree.

A lemon grows from a branch here.
You look at the lemon
It's a lemon. A fruit. You know a few of those.

You hear noises from the northwest. Must be some guards around the front of the base. "So, Jim, did you ever regret becoming a sharkman in Dr. Frenesié's army?"
"Well, it somewhat limits your social circles, but c'mon, I'm a real sharkman! A furries wet dream."
"You're a furry, man? I had no idea!"
"What was that sound?"
You take the lemon
Taken.

"It came from the beach."
"Should we check it out?"
"Looks like it's coming our wa- Oh my God!"
"CONTAIN THE KRAKEN!"
There's gunfire.
You pull the liana
It is fixed in place.

There's a horrible screeching of metal as the front gate realizes it isn't kraken-proof. Looks like the beast has managed to get into the base. Should be a good distraction.
Go downwards
Besides you looms the wall of some sort of Secret Base, seemingly build in the shape of a volcano. A worn path leads northward towards some sort of main gate, but you can't really see due to undergrowth.

An air vent grating is in the wall. It's fastened somewhat loosely. Lousy handiworks. Must be hard to get good craftsmen on Voodoo Island.
You check your inventory
You are carrying:
a lemon

Well, nice, not one item survived from the first game. Looks like you have only your sharp wit to guide you.
Go north
You don't feel like attacking the main gate, unarmed, with no idea of the security. You tried that in the Philippines once. You still have some scars.
Turn grating
It is fixed in place.
You check your inventory
You are carrying:
a your sharp wit
a lemon
You examine the wit
This is your sharp wit, which has kept you alive all these years and also makes you quite good at charade.
You cut the grating
Cutting that up would achieve little.
You ascend
You are in the top of some tropical tree.

A liana is hanging from the tree.
You cut self
Cutting you up would achieve little.
Swing on liana
You swing down from the tree and gracefully kick in the grating which breaks apart with  a satisfying *smash*.

Besides you looms the wall of some sort of Secret Base, seemingly build in the shape of a volcano. A worn path leads northward towards some sort of main gate, but you can't really see due to undergrowth.You can enter the air vent to the northwest.

You can see a galvanized nail here.
You get the nail
Taken.
You examine it
It's a galvanized nail with a zinc covering. Must be from the broken grating, which, oddly, isn't implemented.
You put nail in the lemon
You stick the nail into the lemon.
Go northwest
It's terribly hot and dusty in here. Looks like you can crawl towards the northeast, where there's a junction. You can't detect any security measures so far.

"So", this is Paul voice, relayed to you through some tricks of acoustic and dramaturgy, from somewhere deep within this hellish place, "is it hard being a female supervillian?"
No
That was a rhetorical question.

"Well, y'know, I have no problem with all the torturing of the innocent, holding whole countries hostage and the logistics of an indoor piranha pool are grim, but managable - but my mother was very hard on me when I told her she wouldn't have grandchildren."
Go northeast
You can crawl to the west, or further to the northeast, where there's another junction. The way back out is sw.

"Because of your demanding job?"
"No, when I crossed my DNA with squid DNA to show everyone at the institute, I became infertile."
"Oh."
Go west
You look down through a grating, easily openable from this side, into a cell.

"Well", Alex starts up again, ever so helpful, "How about adoption?" "You know, you got me there, in a certain way, I think I never really wanted children. I find this life of death and destruction, and unethical science quite fullfilling."
Go downwards
Metal bars leading through an unremarkable hallway, a cot, a toilet, nice classic IF design like that.

Why, there's the skeleton of the famous adventurer Conathan Cask here!

"Sure, why not. So, er, speaking of unethical science, what exactly are your plans with me? Do you want to turn me into a shark man?"
"No, far better."
You search skeleton
You found a scrap of paper on the skeleton, and a copper coin.

"Bet...Better?"
"Yeah, but it would spoil the surprise!"
A pause.
"Aren't you the least bit mad I killed you husband?"
"Paul? You haven't killed Paul. You think an army of shark men can stop him? He fought dictators, aliens and Dagon cultists to save me."
"So, he is some kind of badass?"
"He once killer someone, -spoiler alert - jvgu n phcpnxr."
Dr. Frenesie whistles softly.
You smile grimly. Yeah, that was a cool move.
You examine coin
As you touch the coin, you remember two things, 1) Seeing  No country for old men  in the cinema with Paul (he didn't like it) 2) some school experiment. Something about electricity.

"So, Alex, how did you guys end up here, anyway?"
"Well, you see, Paul killed my Uncle Wally."
"He did WHAT?"
"Yeah, he has this adorbale sociopathic streak."
"Oh-okay..."
You put the coin in the lemon
You stick the coin into the lemon.

"Then, a year later, when his body was discovered, we wanted to get him buried at St. Lincoln."
"That's only a few miles from here. Lovely place. They have some good bars. You should go there, if you escape my deadly clutches one day." "We were planning to, actually."
"Be sure to try their cocktails. They mix a mean Singapore Sling." "Thanks. I'd write that down, but you have me tied to this chair."
You examine the lemon
It's a lemon. A fruit. You know a few of those.You've stuck a galvanized nail and a copper coin into it.

"So" Alex starts up again. "You realize that Paul will kill you without batting an eye - and if he does that, it's only to aim whatever weapon he happened to find?"
"Sure, that's a risk you have to deal with, daily, as a supervillian. I'm quite aware of that."
You read the paper
Hm, it has a strange email address on it. Something about ice cream.

"Aren't you the least bit scared?"
"Aren't you?"
Go upwards
You look down through a grating, easily openable from this side, into a cell.
Go east
You can crawl to the west, or further to the northeast, where there's another junction. The way back out is sw.
You go east
Yeah, that.
Down
Not unsurprinsgly, it's pretty cold here. All the walls are covered with complicated equipment, screens, keyboards, readouts.

The heart of this room is a cryo pod, standing on 4 blocks of cement to allow the air to circulate beneath it. 3 huge power cables lead from it into into the wall.
Examine pod
In the cryo pod is Elvis.
You open the pod
There are some magnetic locks, and you don't feel like opening it anyway. This probably needs some complicated procedure you're unaware of.
You look at Elvis
Holy Moses! All those conspiracy theorists where right - Elvis IS alive! But in cryo sleep. So all those sightings were still hoaxes.
And personally, you'd rather have found Jim Morrison.
Sing
Your singing is abominable.
You get the cables
That's hardly portable.
Describe the surroundings
Not unsurprinsgly, it's pretty cold here. All the walls are covered with complicated equipment, screens, keyboards, readouts.

The heart of this room is a cryo pod, standing on 4 blocks of cement to allow the air to circulate beneath it. 3 huge power cables lead from it into into the wall.
You examine equipment
Man, this is a really confusing mass of screen, readouts, blinking lights, servers and all that. Hm, if you read this correctly, the base is powered by Elvis' sheer awesomeness.
Huh! You note a small button reading "UNFREEZE"
Look around
Not unsurprinsgly, it's pretty cold here. All the walls are covered with complicated equipment, screens, keyboards, readouts.

The heart of this room is a cryo pod, standing on 4 blocks of cement to allow the air to circulate beneath it. 3 huge power cables lead from it into into the wall.

You can also see an electric screwdriver here.
You look at the screwdriver
It's an electric screwdriver, powerless, of course.
Examine pod
In the cryo pod is Elvis.
You screw Elvis
That would be less than courteous.
You look lemon
It's a lemon. A fruit. You know a few of those.You've stuck a galvanized nail and a copper coin into it.
You open the pod
There are some magnetic locks, and you don't feel like opening it anyway. This probably needs some complicated procedure you're unaware of.
Describe the surroundings
Not unsurprinsgly, it's pretty cold here. All the walls are covered with complicated equipment, screens, keyboards, readouts.

The heart of this room is a cryo pod, standing on 4 blocks of cement to allow the air to circulate beneath it. 3 huge power cables lead from it into into the wall.
You examine the readouts
Man, this is a really confusing mass of screen, readouts, blinking lights, servers and all that. Hm, if you read this correctly, the base is powered by Elvis' sheer awesomeness.
Huh! You note a small button reading "UNFREEZE"
Go northeast
Beneath the Hangar (wait, how would you know that now? Ah, nevermind) The crawlway ends here at a ventilator, whose fresh air is really refreshing after that long crawl. Above you is some floor plating.
You examine the plating
Some metal floor plating, throuh which you can hear muffled sounds, like a hangar or so.It's secured with a padlock.
You examine the padlock
It's a old-fashioned metal pad-lock. Oddly enough, it's held together by a single screw.
You unscrew the plating with the screwdriver
The screwdriver has no power.

You better save what little power the screwdriver has.
You attach the lemon to the screwdriver
You can't attach that to that!
Okay, that was the easy way out:
You can't attach the lemon to the electric screwdriver.
You unscrew the screw with the screwdriver
You unscrew the singular screw, and the whole padlock falls apart into a myriad pieces, convieniently not mentioned in the room description.The floor plating swings down and bonks you on the head.

***You have died***

Just kidding, though it did hurt a lot.
Describe the surroundings
Beneath the Hangar (wait, how would you know that now? Ah, nevermind) The crawlway ends here at a ventilator, whose fresh air is really refreshing after that long crawl. Above you is some floor plating.
Go up
This is a huge hangar, painted a lively grey, stacked to the ceiling with boxes. Far to the west someone left his laptop on a box. But you are somewhat distracted from the lovely room description because -

The kraken is here! And it is in a huge firefight with the sharkmen guards.
You look at kraken
Pretty much what's in his intial appearance.
You cut kraken
Cutting him up would achieve little.
You go west
Imagine this as sneak scene from an FPS - sticking to the shadows, one eye on the lightmeter, one savepoint at the end of this annoying sequence, and every step into the light means instadeath. And you jerk around and fight the controls, and die over and over again. And now imagine a smooth cutscene, showing this, you, like a only slightly lighter shadow among all the others, unseen, unheard, a whisper in the wind. The truth is somewhere in the middle. You arrive at the laptop.

You sit before an unremarkable box.

A laptop sits on it!
You look at the laptop
On the laptop screen you see Facebook, open on an impressive Farmville farm - and above that the user has Outlook open. In the top right corner you see the battery level - 1 %. Oh great.

The laptop is currently switched on.
You switch off the laptop
You switch the laptop off.
You look at laptop
On the laptop screen you see Facebook, open on an impressive Farmville farm - and above that the user has Outlook open. In the top right corner you see the battery level - 1 %. Oh great.

The laptop is currently switched off.
You attach the lemon to the laptop
You can't attach that to that!
Okay, that was the easy way out:
You can't attach the lemon to the laptop.

You blew your chance for a deus ex machina. Sooner or later the kraken devours you quite gruesomely. But mother nature is cruel like that.
You take the laptop
Taken.

You blew your chance for a deus ex machina. Sooner or later the kraken devours you quite gruesomely. But mother nature is cruel like that.
You examine facebook
You can't see any such thing.

You can't see any such thing.
You look at your surroundings
You sit before an unremarkable box.

A laptop sits on it!
Close laptop
That's not something you can close.

You blew your chance for a deus ex machina. Sooner or later the kraken devours you quite gruesomely. But mother nature is cruel like that.
Type
What do you want to type on?
You go east
This is a huge hangar, painted a lively grey, stacked to the ceiling with boxes. Far to the west someone left his laptop on a box. But you are somewhat distracted from the lovely room description because -

The kraken is here! And it is in a huge firefight with the sharkmen guards.

You blew your chance for a deus ex machina. Sooner or later the kraken devours you quite gruesomely. But mother nature is cruel like that.
You check what you're carrying
You are carrying:
an electric screwdriver
a scrap of paper
a your sharp wit
a lemon
You examine paper
Hm, it has a strange email address on it. Something about ice cream.
You read paper
Hm, it has a strange email address on it. Something about ice cream.

You blew your chance for a deus ex machina. Sooner or later the kraken devours you quite gruesomely. But mother nature is cruel like that.
You write the email
You write an email to the strange address you found on Conathan Casks corpse, basically saying: "HELP!"
At that moment, the laptop powers down. You can't be sure if it was sent or not. Than you notice the eerie quiet. And you look up -
And above you towers the huge, monstrous form of the kraken, its red eyes burning with demon possession. So that's how it'll end. You try to steady yourself, mentally preparing to fast forward through the boring bits when your life flashes before your eyes.

Then a golden crack opens in reality, right next to the kraken. A figure steps through it, more of a stroll really, but he's hard to see due to the intense white light behind him. You cover your eyes, but the kraken turns its massive form around to face this new foe. But it is no foe- the figure has one hand in its pocket. You glimpse a football jersey behind the golden illumination - holy crap, it's Robb Sherwin! He pulls the kraken on one tentacles, and the creature bows down to him. "Hey buddy! I know a place for creatures like you. Come with me and visit my friend Vest, he'll help you." The kraken nods it's head and follows Robb into the golden crack, but not before punching a hole into the wall, followed by a meaningful look towards you.
"Robb!" you shout, "how can I ever thank you?" He turns around, and his wise eyes judge you for a moment, "No problem, buddy. No fucking problem." He gives you a fingergun and is gone. You straighten up. You feel like a better person already.
You look at your surroundings
You sit before an unremarkable box.
You go east
This is a huge hangar, painted a lively grey, stacked to the ceiling with boxes. Far to the west someone left his laptop on a box. But you are somewhat distracted from the lovely room description because there's a huge hole in the eastern wall.
Go east
Frenesiés Lair
This is a tastefully decoreated lair. Bookshelves on the walls, lush red carpet, impressive murals on the walls, depicting the development of Dr. Frenesiés genetic experiments. Behind the desk, the room opens up towards a rocket silo. Paul is visible through an open bulkhead. He's tied to a zero-g chair.

Dr. Frenesie seems to be stunned from the recent, redecoration and waves a futuristic gun in your general direction.

"No, Alex!" screams Paul, "it's a trap..."
But you have already noted that Dr. Frenesie isn't as stunned as she seems, and with a quick flick of the wrist, you throw your sharp wit and hit her somewhere in the tentacled mass of her face. She sprays ink everyhwere and slumps onto the desk. You grin at Paul. "See, darling, absolutely no..."
"...door." The ground gives way, and you fall, screaming.

You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. Yes, seriously.
You check your inventory
You are carrying:
an electric screwdriver
a scrap of paper
a lemon

Looks like it's a maze. It's really a bloody maze.
Up
You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. Yes, seriously.

He can't be serious! He is. A maze. You feel your blood boilling.
Wait
Time passes.

They went out of fashion in the 90s at the latest. And even parodying them grew old very, very quickly.
Up
You can't go that way.

There were a few games who tried to do something clever with the idea lately - they all sucked.
Go inside
You can't go that way.

ARE THESE ROOM NUMBERS RANDOM?
You go to the north
You can't go that way.

You're pretty sure they're random. Great, so there is some super secret trick here.
You look at your surroundings
You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. Yes, seriously.

Maybe you missed something earlier. Oh joy! Maybe you need to replay some bits.
You go to the east
You can't go that way.

You especially hated the hidden panther. God, that puzzle was annoying.
You go west
You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. Yes, seriously.

You really, really feel like breaking the fourth wall and punching the author in the face.
You go to the southwest
You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. Yes, seriously.
You break the fourth wall
The fourth wall crumples!

You stand in a living room. The walls are painted orange to about head-height. It's rather crowded here -  A large wooden cupboard, a sofa and a rack are on one wall, a desk and a tv and an armchair are on the other. A red curtain leads eastwards to the rest of the apartment.

You can see Author here.
You examine author
He's a tall and thin guy in an oversized pullover and jeans. He badly needs a haircut.
Punch author
The author jumps up and screams: "Was zur Hölle machst du denn hier?" As with most strange men discovering you in their living rooms, you knock him out cold!
Search author
better leave him alone.
Look around
You stand in a living room. The walls are painted orange to about head-height. It's rather crowded here -  A large wooden cupboard, a sofa and a rack are on one wall, a desk and a tv and an armchair are on the other. A red curtain leads eastwards to the rest of the apartment.

The author lies here, knocked out cold.

The laws of metafictionality take hold, and the fourth wall reassembles.

You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. Yes, seriously.
You break the fourth wall
The fourth wall crumples!

You stand in a living room. The walls are painted orange to about head-height. It's rather crowded here -  A large wooden cupboard, a sofa and a rack are on one wall, a desk and a tv and an armchair are on the other. A red curtain leads eastwards to the rest of the apartment.

The author lies here, knocked out cold.
You go east
The laws of metafictionality take hold, and the fourth wall reassembles.

You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. Yes, seriously.
You examine the cupboard
This old cupboard houses an impressive number of DVDs.
You examine rack
This is a cheap ikea rack, a mismatch with the rest of room.
Examine tv
It is a large, heavy, TV, looking used like everything here. It's one of the first 5:1 systems.
You look at the armchair
Some cat had some hours of fun with the leather of this chair. It's look incredible comfy.

The laws of metafictionality take hold, and the fourth wall reassembles.

You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. Yes, seriously.
You look at the desk
This desk houses a printer, a monitor and a PC, and a large number of small items. It looks rather cluttered.
Search desk
You find nothing of interest.

The laws of metafictionality take hold, and the fourth wall reassembles.

You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. Yes, seriously.
Examine pc
Wow...this is your whole life. The source code to your life. Holy fuck!

The laws of metafictionality take hold, and the fourth wall reassembles.

You are in a maze of twisty passages, all alike. Yes, seriously.
You type on the pc
"Carry out hacking the pc:
now Alex is in Frenesiés Lair;
now Alex is carrying the futuristic gun.
You shoot Paul with gun
You can only do that to something animate.
You examine frenesie
She has a tentacle head and wears long-flowing robes. She is holding a futustic gun in her hand.

Suddenly, Frenesie pulls your wit from her face, which doesn't seem to be as damaged as you hoped, and throws it back at you. Impaled by your own wit, the last thing you hear is Paul screaming your name.
You shoot frenesie
You level the gun at Dr. Frenesie. "Hands up, Doc!"
"You can't kill me!"
"Okay, let's hear it."
"First off, I'm a single mom! Secondly, the moment I'm killed, I will press a hidden remote and this rocket will launch, sending your husband off to my secret base on Mercury, where he will be transformed into a genetic mixture of human and Mercury Man, called a ... Mercury Man. Dammit! PR hasn't gotten back to me about that name."
"ALEX! She is bluffing!" You blast Frenesié with the energy ray, and she topples over her desk.
There is a hissing of starting rocket engines.
Paul screams : "You idiot! I meant about being a single mom!" You have to watch helplessly (hence a non-interactive cutscene) as the door closes on Paul and soon, the rocket is launched into space. The gun clutters from your lifeless hand. He's gone. Gone to Mercury. And no chance to get him back.

With tear filled eyes, you turn towards the desk, where Dr. Frenesié is rising again, a smoking hole in her belly. She has a smaller, but still futuristic gun in her hand.
"You thought you could kill me? ME? Do you have any idea who I am?" There is a voice behind you, one that millions recognize instantly: "(You're) The Devil in disguise." The energy gun flashes again, and you are pretty sure Frenesie can't repair that damage to her face.
Elvis puts a heavy hand on your shoulder, and together you stare up at the skylight.
"I need to get him back, man" you whisper hoarsely.
"A little less conversation, a little more action."