Gardening for Beginners
Juhana Leinonen
birds cat cover art garden I7 source available NightFloyd transcript parser slapstick SpeedIF April 2008
When the snow melts it's time to make that garden of yours look better than ever.
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In April, three months after you bought the house, the snow finally melts and for the first time you see how your new garden really looks like. It's not that bad, actually; you probably don't need to do much to make it look really nice. Armed with a to-do list and an upbeat attitude you go to work.

This game is free software. See LICENSE for details.

The garden is such a nice little patch of green for a novice gardener like yourself. There's even a small fish pond. Flowers are already in full bloom in the flower bed and there's an empty patch ready for vegetables. The grass looks a bit dry.

There's also an old garden shed with a yard hydrant installed next to it.
Inventory
You're carrying a to-do list, a gold fish in a plastic bag, and some tomato seeds.
You examine the list
It's a list of things that are easy to do to get you started:

- Plant the tomatoes
- Put the fish in the pond
- Water the lawn
You look at the hydrant
It's basically a pipe with a valve on it. The mouth part has a connection where a hose can be attached.
About yourself
As good-looking as ever.
You look at the shed
It's a delightfully retro little garden shed.
You enter the shed
You go inside the garden shed.

It's a delightful little shed even though it has seen better days. Wear and tear just adds to the charm. The walls have been plastered with newspapers and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.

An orange garden hose is hanging from a holder in the wall.
You examine fish
The fish is quite large for a goldfish. The saleswoman at the pet store said it would do well in an outdoor pond. It's swimming around in its temporary plastic home.
You examine junk
The boxes are full of various junk, some related to gardening and some not. None of them are originally yours, the previous owner left them here for you to take care of.
You examine the newspapers
On closer inspection it's not newspaper after all but pages torn from books. From Jack Mills pocket books, to be precise.
You look at the hose
It's quite long and... orange.
You take the hose
Taken.
You read the pages
"The slammer was a depressing mixture of displeasing white and uncaring gray. I walked past the empty cells listening to the steady click-clack of my steps echoing from the walls. In the last cell I found Professor Humphrey..."

No wonder someone wanted to plaster it on the walls.
You examine the seeds
The tomato seeds are in a small bag. They are supposedly super easy - just throw them in the soil and let them grow.
You read the list
It's a list of things that are easy to do to get you started:

- Plant the tomatoes
- Put the fish in the pond
- Water the lawn
Look around
It's a delightful little shed even though it has seen better days. Wear and tear just adds to the charm. The walls have been plastered with pages from books and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.
Exit
You return to the garden.

The garden is such a nice little patch of green for a novice gardener like yourself. There's even a small fish pond. Flowers are already in full bloom in the flower bed and there's an empty patch ready for vegetables. The grass looks a bit dry.

There's also an old garden shed with a yard hydrant installed next to it.
You examine the pond
The pond is small but very beautiful..
You examine the patch
The vegetable patch is just waiting for seeds.
You attach the hose to the hydrant
With some effort you screw the other end of the hose to the hydrant.
You examine the flowers
The flowers are petunias and poppies, you guess. At the moment there seem to be much more weeds than flowers in the flower bed.
You take the weeds
You get on your knees and pull each weed carefully out around the flowers. It takes a good thirty minutes, but the result looks really nice. Never mind the aching fingers.
You read the list
It's a list of things that are easy to do to get you started:

- Remove weeds from the flower bed (done!)
- Plant the tomatoes
- Put the fish in the pond
- Water the lawn
Plant seeds
You throw the tomato seeds evenly on the vegetable patch and spread some soil over them. That was easy.
You put the fish in the the pond
The fish leaps from the plastic bag into the pond and starts to swim around in circles. In the spur of the moment you decide to name it "Wensleydale".
Water lawn
You carefully hose the entire lawn and turn the water off when you're done. In your eyes the grass is already looking much greener!

Well, that was the last chore and everything is now done! Looks like you are better at this than you even imagined!

No, wait, what's that mound right in the middle of the garden? Ugh, it's a molehill. Better hose the bugger out while you're at it before the entire garden gets full of those.
You examine the molehill
It's a small pile of dirt.
Inventory
You're carrying a to-do list.
You look at the list
It's a list of things that are easy to do to get you started:

- Remove weeds from the flower bed (done!)
- Plant the tomatoes (done!)
- Put the fish in the pond (done!)
- Water the lawn (done!)
Hose molehill
It wouldn't help just to wash the mound away. You need to flood the tunnels.
You enter the shed
You go inside the garden shed again.

It's a delightful little shed even though it has seen better days. Wear and tear just adds to the charm. The walls have been plastered with pages from books and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.
You go outside
You return to the garden.

The garden is a tiny patch of green where Wensleydale is splashing around in the pond and the flowers are in full bloom in the flower bed. The tomato seeds have been planted in the vegetable patch.

The old garden shed has a yard hydrant installed next to it. The garden hose is attached to the hydrant.
You put the hose in the molehill
You tuck the end of the hose inside the mole hill.
You turn on the water
(the yard hydrant)
You approach the hydrant and see a little cuddly bunny by the shed. "Oh, how delightful!" you exclaim. The bunny scurries away.

You turn the valve and a spray of water from the hose soaks you through. You cut the water quickly. The bunny must've had a taste of the hose.

Bother.
You look at the hose
It's quite long and... orange.
You turn on the water
(the yard hydrant)
Not before you've found a way to mend the hose!
You take the hose
It should stay until the mole is thoroughly hosed out.
You enter the shed
You go inside the garden shed again.

The shed is in poor shape, but it's your own little shed. The walls have been plastered with pages from books and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.

Now let's see... There, right on top of a box, is a roll of silvery duct tape.
You examine the duct tape
It's silvery and it can repair anything.
You take the duct tape
Taken.
You leave
You return to the garden.

The garden is a tiny patch of green where Wensleydale is splashing around in the pond and the flowers are in full bloom in the flower bed. The tomato seeds have been planted in the vegetable patch.

The old garden shed has a yard hydrant installed next to it. The garden hose is attached to the hydrant and the other end is tucked inside the molehill.

A lonely crow lands on the vegetable patch. It pecks around the soil for a bit, then two others arrive. They start digging and eating the tomato seeds.

"Hey! Get out of there, you little pests!" you scream but the birds ignore you.

Bother.
You check what you're carrying
You're carrying a roll of duct tape and a to-do list.
Mend hose
You roll a few layers of tape arond the leaking spot. It looks like it could hold now.
You scare the crows
You approach the vegetable patch and the crows fly off. They return right after you've moved two paces away.
You turn on the hose
You turn the valve and water starts to flow underground. You decide to leave it on for a while, just to be sure.
You enter the shed
You go inside the garden shed again.

The shed is in poor shape, but it's your own little shed. The walls have been plastered with pages from books and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.

Let's see... Yes, there should be something useful here for this situation.

You can see a coverall and a rake here.
You take the coverall
Taken.
You look at coverall
It's a smallish dark green coverall. It has seen a lot of use.
You examine the rake
It's a rusty rake that's missing few teeth.
You put the coverall on the rake
You put the rake inside the coverall to support it and you have yourself a makeshift scarecrow. Hopefully it works.
Leave
You return to the garden.

The garden is a tiny patch of green where Wensleydale is splashing around in the pond and the flowers are in full bloom in the flower bed. The tomato seeds have been planted in the vegetable patch.

The old garden shed has a yard hydrant installed next to it. The garden hose is attached to the hydrant and the other end is tucked inside the molehill.

Some crows are eating away the tomato seeds you just planted.
You put the scarecrow in the garden
Which do you mean, the garden hose, or the lawn?
You put the scarecrow in the vegetable patch
You stick the scarecrow in the middle of the vegetable patch. The crows fly away and - they aren't returning! Hooray!
You examine the fish
Wensleydale makes cheerful little circles in its new home.
You examine the grass
The grass is looking good.
You look at the molehill
It's a small pile of dirt. The other end of the hose is tucked inside.
Wait
Time passes.
Look around
The garden is a tiny patch of green where Wensleydale is splashing around in the pond and the flowers are in full bloom in the flower bed. The tomato seeds have been planted in the vegetable patch.

The old garden shed has a yard hydrant installed next to it. The garden hose is attached to the hydrant and the other end is tucked inside the molehill.
You look at the list
It's a list of things that are easy to do to get you started:

- Remove weeds from the flower bed (done!)
- Plant the tomatoes (done!)
- Put the fish in the pond (done!)
- Water the lawn (done!)
You turn on the hose
The water is already flowing.
You turn off the hose
It should stay until the mole is thoroughly hosed out.
You examine the vegetable patch
The vegetable patch is hiding tomato seeds in its soil.
You enter the shed
You go inside the garden shed again.

It's a delightful little shed even though it has seen better days. Wear and tear just adds to the charm. The walls have been plastered with pages from books and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.
Go outside
You return to the garden.

The garden is a tiny patch of green where Wensleydale is splashing around in the pond and the flowers are in full bloom in the flower bed. The tomato seeds have been planted in the vegetable patch.

The old garden shed has a yard hydrant installed next to it. The garden hose is attached to the hydrant and the other end is tucked inside the molehill.
Wait
Time passes.
You examine the pond
Wensleydale is swimming in little circles in the water..
Xyzzy
Maybe in some fantastic realm a garden would take care of itself with appropriately chosen magic words. Unfortunately this is not one of those realms.
You jump
You jump on the spot, fruitlessly.
Sing
Your singing is abominable.
Dance
You'd make a fool of yourself.
You turn off the water
(the yard hydrant)
It should stay until the mole is thoroughly hosed out.
You enter the shed
You go inside the garden shed again.

It's a delightful little shed even though it has seen better days. Wear and tear just adds to the charm. The walls have been plastered with pages from books and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.
You read the pages
"The slammer was a depressing mixture of displeasing white and uncaring gray. I walked past the empty cells listening to the steady click-clack of my steps echoing from the walls. In the last cell I found Professor Humphrey..."

No wonder someone wanted to plaster it on the walls.
Yes
debugcheapnitfol quit with exit status: 0
%
In April, three months after you bought the house, the snow finally melts and for the first time you see how your new garden really looks like. It's not that bad, actually; you probably don't need to do much to make it look really nice. Armed with a to-do list and an upbeat attitude you go to work.

This game is free software. See LICENSE for details.

The garden is such a nice little patch of green for a novice gardener like yourself. There's even a small fish pond. Flowers are already in full bloom in the flower bed and there's an empty patch ready for vegetables. The grass looks a bit dry.

There's also an old garden shed with a yard hydrant installed next to it.
You remove weeds
You get on your knees and pull each weed carefully out around the flowers. It takes a good thirty minutes, but the result looks really nice. Never mind the aching fingers.
You plant the tomatoes
You throw the tomato seeds evenly on the vegetable patch and spread some soil over them. That was easy.
You put the fish in the pond
The fish leaps from the plastic bag into the pond and starts to swim around in circles. In the spur of the moment you decide to name it "Wensleydale".
Leave
You return to the garden.

The garden is such a nice little patch of green for a novice gardener like yourself. There's even a small fish pond where Wensleydale is splashing around. Flowers are already in full bloom in the flower bed - now without any weeds - and the tomatoes are growing in the vegetable patch. The grass looks a bit dry.

There's also an old garden shed with a yard hydrant installed next to it.
You attach the hose
What do you want to attach the garden hose to?
Mouth
With some effort you screw the other end of the hose to the hydrant.
Water lawn
You carefully hose the entire lawn and turn the water off when you're done. In your eyes the grass is already looking much greener!

Well, that was the last chore and everything is now done! Looks like you are better at this than you even imagined!

No, wait, what's that mound right in the middle of the garden? Ugh, it's a molehill. Better hose the bugger out while you're at it before the entire garden gets full of those.
You put the hose in the molehill
You tuck the end of the hose inside the mole hill.
You enter the shed
You go inside the garden shed again.

The shed is in poor shape, but it's your own little shed. The walls have been plastered with newspapers and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.

Now let's see... There, right on top of a box, is a roll of silvery duct tape.
Mend hose
You roll a few layers of tape around the leaking spot. It looks like it could hold now.
You put the hose in the hill
It's already in there.
You turn on the water
(the yard hydrant)
You turn the valve and water starts to flow underground. You decide to leave it on for a while, just to be sure.
You enter the shed
You go inside the garden shed again.

The shed is in poor shape, but it's your own little shed. The walls have been plastered with newspapers and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.

Let's see... Yes, there should be something useful here for this situation.

You can see a coverall and a rake here.
You take all
coverall: Taken.
rake: Taken.
Leave
You return to the garden.

The garden is a tiny patch of green where Wensleydale is splashing around in the pond and the flowers are in full bloom in the flower bed. The tomato seeds have been planted in the vegetable patch.

The old garden shed has a yard hydrant installed next to it. The garden hose is attached to the hydrant and the other end is tucked inside the molehill.

Some crows are eating away the tomato seeds you just planted.

What the... The weeds have resurrected themselves and fill the flower bed again!

Goddamnit.
You take the weeds
You pull one weed out and sigh. This is never going to work without heavier armament.
You enter the shed
You go inside the garden shed again.

The shed is in poor shape, but it's your own little shed. The walls have been plastered with newspapers and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.

There in the corner is a bright red bottle of herbicide with a skull printed on it. Excellent.
You look at the herbicide
There's a picture of a skull on the side. That means it must be efficient.
Leave
You return to the garden.

The garden is a tiny patch of green where Wensleydale is splashing around in the pond and the flowers are in full bloom in the flower bed. The tomato seeds have been planted in the vegetable patch.

The old garden shed has a yard hydrant installed next to it. The garden hose is attached to the hydrant and the other end is tucked inside the molehill.

You hear Wensleydale splash about in the pond.
You pour herbicide on the weeds
You pop the cap from the weedkiller which greets you with a gust of poisonous fumes. "Ha! Ha! HA! HAHA! HA!" you scream as you pour the stuff on those demonic parasites. Let's see them come back to life now!

The weeds die spectacularly, whithering as soon as the herbicide hits them. War is not without casualities, as you soon find out - the flowers can't take the heat and they turn into shriveled mounds of organic mass.

You look at the flower bed and muse your Pyrrhic victory.
You examine fish
Hngaah! It's not Wensleydale that's splashing but the neighbour's cat who's trying to catch him! Shoo, cat, shoo!

F%#&!
You take the cat
"Here, pus pus pus..."

You approach the cat, trying to grab it to carry it away from the pond. She sees you approaching, hisses, and makes a daring leap towards you.

She lands straight on your face and takes hold with all four legs. The beast drives its claws in the neck and the back of your head. "Mmmph hmmh mph!" you swear.
You remove the cat
"Meow," the cat says as you struggle to get free.
You examine the cat
It's the neighbour's cat. You used to like it, before it started to prey on your fish.
You take the cat
Technically, you already have her.
You hit the cat
You wave your arms in the general direction of your face (where the cat is), but it just makes the furry assailant to grab a tighter hold.
You enter the shed
You stumble and nearly lose balance when the cat scratches you again.
You enter the shed
"Mhbh!" you exclaim when your attempts are buggered by the blinding grasp of the beast.
Inventory
"NO!" the cat yells and claws at your left ear. (It might've also been "meow".)
You throw the cat
How? The feline abdomination has blindfolded you with her own furry body.
You put the cat in the pond
You would, but mouse-breath is still facehugging you.
You go pond
"NO!" the cat yells and claws at your right ear. (It might've also been "meow".)
You pull the cat
You take a good grip of the little bastard and yank her out of your face. Her final loot is a bunch of hair and a good amount of freshly scraped skin. The cat jumps on the ground and runs off.

You glance at the vegetable patch where the crows are back, with a couple of friends of theirs. It looks as if some of them are actually laughing at the scarecrow. Laughing. At the scarecrow. Laughing.

You don't say anything. Your left eye twitches.
You examine the fish
Wensleydale makes cheerful little circles in its new home.
You examine the flowers
The flowers were petunias and poppies, you guess.
You enter the shed
You go inside the garden shed again.

The dark and rotting shed is just about as awful as you can imagine. The walls have been plastered with newspapers and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.

There has to be something here yet that will save the day! Has to be something!
You search the junk
You rummage through the boxes, trying to find some magic tool that will make all go better. There is nothing there.
You examine the newspapers
On closer inspection it's not newspaper after all but pages torn from books. From Jack Mills pocket books, to be precise.
Exit
You sigh and return to the garden.

It's the garden of pain. The fish is hopefully still alive, the flowers most certainly are not. It's doubtful if there are any seeds left in the vegetable patch.

The old garden shed has a yard hydrant installed next to it. The garden hose is attached to the hydrant and it runs inside the molehill.

Some crows are eating away the tomato seeds you just planted.

The ground erupts into four or five geysirs, spraying water from the underground mole tunnels.

The bunny returns and chews on the remaining flora.

The cat is back prowling about for Wensleydale by the pond.

***

You close your eyes.
You close the eyes
They are already closed.
You open eyes
You open your eyes and behold! A paradise unfolds in front of your eyes! The flowers are blooming, the grass is a gleaming green carpet where butterflies chase each other and stop only to rest in sparkling waters of a beautiful yard pond. It is the perfect embodiment of a spring garden.

"You have a very beautiful garden, Mrs. Salines," you tell your next door neighbour who is watering her petunias on the other side of the fence. "WHY DOES MINE LOOK LIKE THE AFTERMATH OF A CARPET BOMBING?" You can feel your blood pressure throbbing a vein in your forehead.

Mrs. Salines laughs jovially. "My dear, you just need a bit of patience! You can't expect perfect results right away," she tells you. "Come, I'll make us some tea and then we'll go have a look at your garden."

You feel a bit better.
%
Type ABOUT for more information, FORUM for r.g.i.f. comments on the game, and MEAN to turn off unwinnable protection.

Weazle, the evil wizard has destroyed all that Conan loved. Now,
after years of searching, Conan has finally found him.
Conan is ready for revenge - he will KILL EVERYTHING!

Conan is in a damp dungeon, furnished only with an oaken table. The walls consist of yellowish clay. High up on the wall is a single, burning torch. A door, leading north, is closed.

Weazle, the evil wizard spins around as Conan enters the room.

"Ha!", he cries, "here comes stupid Conan whose parents I killed, whose sister I sold to the orks and whose dumbbells I stole! You want revenge! But you will perish!"

He taps his pointed hat, and a growling wildcat appears out of thin air!
You kill the wildcat
Alertly, Conan draws his sword and, with one quick blow, strikes the wildcat dead. It vanishes in a puff of brown smoke.

"Oh", snickers the wizard, "it seems that you have grown stronger since I burnt your home village! Well, try this!"

He taps his pointed hat again, and a mighty golem made of wood appears out of thin air!
You kill the golem
Conan raises his sword again and fells the golem with a single blow. It shatters into a million leaves that dissolve in a puff of green smoke. A red apple falls to the floor.

The wizard is impressed.
"You are good!", he cries, "Better than when I bewitched your hairdo! But my best creation is yet to come! A giant tarantula!"

He taps his hat again, and out of thin air, a little spider appears! The wizard looks a bit puzzled.
You look at the spider
It is a little spider with a furry body.

The little spider moves around hesitantly!

Weazle takes off his hat and examines it, muttering about something like 'energy plane dysfunction'.
You kill the wizard
Finally Conan can attack Weazle. With a mighty blow he slices the wizard in half. He vanishes in a puff of golden, glittering smoke. Only his pointed hat falls to the floor.

Suddenly the little spider freezes in its movements, as if concentrating.
You take the hat
Taken.

With a mighty leap, the spider lands on Conan's back. Quickly it bites into his neck, injecting its venom. Conan falls to the floor.

"
He walks offstage, clapping his hands.
"OK, let's do another one!"
You kill the spider
Conan chops at the spider, but it evades, quickly climbs up the wall and hides in a crack.
You examine the crack
A spider is hiding in the crack.
Inventory
Conan is carrying:
a loincloth (being worn)
a very large sword
You kill the crack
This seems futile even to Conan.
You remove the loincloth
Conan removes the loincloth, held together with a bone pin. Not much is revealed. Cursed steroids.
You check what you're carrying
Conan is carrying:
a bone pin
a loincloth
a very large sword
You examine pin
It is a pin, made of a dead chicken's bone (Conan killed it himself).
Look around
Conan is in a damp dungeon, furnished only with an oaken table. The walls consist of yellowish clay. High up on the wall is a single, burning torch. A door, leading north, is closed. The spider is hiding in a crack in the ceiling.
A fly is buzzing around the room.

Conan can also see a pointed hat and a red apple here.
Examine fly
The fly is somewhere around, but hard to see in the flickering light.
You look in it
Inside the hat Conan can see some dials and blinking lights.
You look at the dials
The dials are marked with lettering in a strange writing (but Conan cannot read at all, anyway). They can obviously be turned.
You eat the apple
(first taking the red apple)
Conan eats the apple. His gastric juices quickly kill it. Conan emanates a burp of red smoke.
You examine table
It is a sturdy table that has seen many feasts and fights. There is a small hole on the side.
You examine the hole
There is a tiny woodworm in the hole.
You examine the worm
The woodworm is tiny in the hole. Conan can barely see it.
You put the pin in hole
Conan takes the pin and cruelly stabs the worm. Its body goes limp, dead.
You give the worm to the spider
Conan can only do that to something animate.
You stand on the table
Conan gets onto the oaken table.
You look at what you're carrying with you
Conan is carrying:
a pointed hat
a bone pin
a loincloth
a very large sword

The fly lands.
Down
Conan will have to get off the oaken table first.

The fly takes off again.
You get off the table
It is a pin, made of a dead chicken's bone (Conan killed it himself).

Conan gets off the oaken table.

The spider is hiding in a crack in the ceiling.
A fly is buzzing around the room.
You turn the dial
Conan fiddles with the dials.
You continue
Conan returns the dials to their original settings.
You examine the hat
A large, pointed hat with a moon and stars decoration that used to be popular among wizards about 250 years ago. Conan notices an especially large saturn symbol. Inside the hat Conan can see some dials and blinking lights.
You look at the saturn
The saturn symbol has a slight smudge. It seems to serve as a kind of button.
You look at your surroundings
Conan is in a damp dungeon, furnished only with an oaken table. The walls consist of yellowish clay. High up on the wall is a single, burning torch. A door, leading north, is closed. The spider is hiding in a crack in the ceiling.
A fly is buzzing around the room.

The fly lands.
You take the torch
The torch is out of Conan's reach.

The fly takes off again.
You take the torch
The torch is out of Conan's reach.
You jump
Conan jumps.
You stand
Conan gets off the oaken table.

The spider is hiding in a crack in the ceiling.
A fly is buzzing around the room.
Examine fly
The fly is somewhere around, but hard to see in the flickering light.
You kill the fly
Conan tries to hit the fly, but even he is too clumsy to hit it in midair.
You look at loincloth
It is made of bear skin (Conan killed the bear himself).
You kill the loincloth
Conan shreds the loincloth to pieces with his sword. It is dead now.

The fly lands.
You kill the fly
Conan aims and squashes the fly with his sword. Entrails splatter. The fly is dead.

The little spider crawls out of the crack in the ceiling!
You kill spider
As Conan advances, the spider hastily climbs back into the crack.
You wait
Time passes.

The little spider comes crawling down the wall!
You wait for a while
Time passes.

The little spider is crawling over the floor!
Wait
Time passes.

The little spider is eating the fly.
You kill spider
With a devastating blow, Conan kills the spider. It vanishes in a puff of black smoke.
Inventory
Conan is carrying:
a bone pin
a shredded loincloth
a very large sword
You examine the loincloth
It is dead. Conan has killed it.
You kill the pin
Between his fingers, Conan snaps the pin into two pieces. It is dead.
You kill loincloth
Conan already killed the shredded loincloth.
You look around
Dungeon (on the oaken table)
Conan is in a damp dungeon, furnished only with an oaken table. The walls consist of yellowish clay. High up on the wall is a single, burning torch. A door, leading north, is closed.
Conan can see a squashed fly here.
You kill the wall
The clay walls are already dead. Conan suspects that he killed them in an earlier episode.
You look at the door
A heavy wooden door with metal hinges and a large metal lock.
You kill the door
Conan wildly attacks the door with his sword. After several blows, it suddenly drops forward and slams flat on the floor - dead. Behind it is only bare wall.
You take the door
It is too heavy even for Conan to lift.
You look at door
It is dead. Conan has killed it.
Blow torch
(first taking the torch)
The torch is out of Conan's reach.
You throw the sword at the torch
A well-aimed throw dislodges the torch which falls to the floor. It dies!

It is now pitch dark in here!
You take the sword
Conan fumbles in the dark. Ouch! He steps on the hot torch!

"
He stares at you hypnotically.
"This is a crucial phase before the final denouement! I want solemnity. I want grace. You can do better than that!"
He walks offstage, clapping his hands.
"OK, another one!"
Down
Conan will have to get off the oaken table first.
You stand
Conan gets off the oaken table.

Conan is in darkness.
Break table
Splinters fly as Conan slices the tabletop from its legs. It falls down flat, dead.
You take the sword
Conan fumbles in the dark. Ouch! He steps on the hot torch!

"
He stares at you hypnotically.
"This is a crucial phase before the final denouement! I want solemnity. I want grace. You can do better than that!"
He walks offstage, clapping his hands.
"OK, another one!"
You kill the sword
Conan grabs his sword by handle and tip and, with all his might, breaks it over his knee. Ouch! But two fragments remain in his hands, dead.
You kill Conan
Conan takes the broken blade and holds it before him with both hands. Then he takes it and with a sudden thrust buries it deep in his muscular stomach.

Blood flows, as Conan turns and twists the blade in the wound until he sinks to the floor, dead.
Forum
Voices from the forum (rec.games.int.fiction.):

"...an apotheosis of the traditional, Zork-led approach to IF..."

"...deconstruction of the room paradigm..."

"Conan is the barbarian, the Significant Other against which civilisation defines itself."

"To say that 'Conan Kill Everything' relies on symbolic vocabulary is to understate the issue. Its symbols are isolated and recognisable, and stand out from the landscape in their symbolic significance like a naked guy on steroids in a Victorian painting. 'Note this!' they say. And they are organised with a tidy symmetry, perfect and mathematical, so that the meaning of anything unexplained may be worked out by its relations to other symbols and the oppositions between them. The sword, the table, the worm, the penis; every object denotes a single concept in its purity."