Adventurer's Consumer Guide
Øyvind Thorsby
cave cave crawl cover art fantasy GIFC humor male protagonist no EXAMINE primitive parser RPGgeek walkthrough
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You are a product tester for the Adventurer's Consumer Guide, a magazine that reviews all sorts of equipment an adventurer might need for his adventures. Your magazine is highly respected because of the thorough tests you put the equipment through. The tests aren't just done at the magazine's offices. No, the product testers go on actual adventures to test the equipment out in the field. Sometimes you kill an evil overlord; sometimes you rescue a fair maiden. Most of the time, like today, you just go out looking for a treasure in Treasure Cave Mountain, a perfect place for adventures as it contains plenty of caves, treasures, monsters and traps.

As you are putting on the soon-to-be-tested magical coat, magical ring and magical helmet, your editor says, "On this mission you'll be having a helper with you."
"Really?" you say. You usually work alone.
"Yeah, but it's part of a test. See, there's this new agency that is renting out sidekicks. We are going to write a review about it. Oh, here he is now."
Into your office walks a goblin: a green humanoid creature with pointy ears, about a meter tall. "Hi, you must be my new boss," he says to you.
"I guess I am. What is it you're supposed to do, exactly?"
"Well, I'm very brave and helpful, plus I'm a ferocious killing machine. If you see any kind of monster, or anything at all, and you want it killed, just tell me, and it's toast."
"Okay... well, I think we should get going."

You and your new companion are off to Treasure Cave Mountain. Your mission is to return with one really big treasure. Any really big treasure.

A narrow mountain ledge leading west (where you came from) and east. To the north is a tall mountain wall and to the south a long drop.
Very far to the east, near the end of the ledge, a huge monster is crouching. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

You can see the goblin sidekick here.
You kill you
Before you have a chance to say anything you get a nasty electric shock from your helmet. You hear a calm pleasant female voice in your head: "It wouldn't be very heroic to ask somebody else to do your fighting for you."
You check your inventory
The new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger.
A mail-ordered short metal staff with a clear orb on the end. Its manufacturers say the staff will remove any creature that comes in contact with the orb. Inside the orb you can see a small unmoving cluster of turquoise tentacles.
A Remmingheim Supreme crossbow, loaded with an arrow. The Supreme model is supposed to have a special feature. When you shoot it, the arrow will magically return, and the crossbow will be loaded again. The hard, razor-sharp arrow is protruding a good ten centimeters from the front of the crossbow.
"The Ultimate Creature Manual" by Arthur Hippoman. According to the back it contains information about every single monster in the world, and how to defend yourself against them. It is suspiciously thin.
A small cage. It is closed and locked with a code-lock (You know the code.). A gremlin, a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears, is trapped inside. He is wearing a tiny ring. He is smoking a tiny cigarette. His thin arms are sticking through the bars of the cage, and he is fiddling with the code-lock, trying one combination at a time.

You are wearing:
A Hustlespleen & Poe Coat of Invisibility, though at the moment it looks like an ordinary, long, brown, coat. It is supposed to turn invisible (or turn visible again) whenever you say the magic word "tango".
A Super Champion Helmet fastened with a strap under your chin. It is round and made of thin metal. It is supposed to magically turn you into a hero.
On your finger is a Snuffelburg & Co. Type F Magical Ring. It is red and golden. It is supposed to protect you from any magical rays, by moving the effect of the ray away from you and onto the gremlin, which is wearing a smaller, magically connected, ring.
A pair of red boxer shorts, decorated with tiny teddy-bears dressed as sailors. They are not something you are supposed to test; they are your own.
You look
A narrow mountain ledge leading west (where you came from) and east. To the north is a tall mountain wall and to the south a long drop.
Very far to the east, near the end of the ledge, a huge monster is crouching. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

You can see the goblin sidekick here.
You shoot the crossbow at the goblin
(the goblin sidekick)
Before you have a chance to do it, you get a nasty electrical shock from your helmet. You hear a calm pleasant female voice in your head: "It wouldn't be very heroic to go around shooting creatures."
You examine Helmet
In this game you can't examine things. Instead use either "look" to see descriptions of the things in the room you are in, or "inventory" to see descriptions of what you are carrying. You also can't use "look inside", "look under", "look behind", "look <direction>" or "search". But you can use "read".
You remove Helmet
You try to remove the helmet, but it is stuck. The strap under your chin is too tight.
You cut the strap with the arrow
You cut the strap with the arrow, and pull off the helmet.
You shoot the crossbow at the goblin
(the goblin sidekick)
You pull the trigger. The arrow magically returns to the crossbow and the crossbow is loaded again. Huh? That happened fast. The arrow did not even have time to leave the crossbow entirely! In fact, it barely moved!
You read the book
You must say what page to read, like "read page 1" or "read 1"
You read 1
On the front is a badly drawn picture of three monsters running away from a man who is holding a copy of the book over his head.
You read 2
So, you have spotted a monster. How many legs does it have?
None: read page 3
One: read page 35
Two: read page 36
Three: read page 62
Four: read page 63
Six: read page 86
Eight: read page 87
Forty eight billion and five: read page 90
It varies: read page 91
You read 63
Does it have hooves?
Yes: read page 64
No: read page 72
You read 72
Is it hairy?
Yes: read page 73
No: read page 79
You read 79
Does it have large bulging eyes?
No: read page 80
Yes: read page 81
You read 81
Is it green?
No: read page 82
Yes: read page 83
You read 83
Does it have a wide mouth?
No: read page 84
Yes: read page 85
You read 85
Oh, it's just a frog then. Nothing to worry about.
You go east
A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.
Quite far to the east, near the end of the ledge, a huge monster is crouching. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

The goblin comes running after you.

The sword starts vibrating ever so slightly.
Go east
A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.
Some distance to the east, near the end of the ledge, a huge monster is crouching. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

The goblin comes running after you.

The sword starts shaking quite a lot.
You go to the east
A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.
Not all that far to the east, near the end of the ledge, a huge monster is crouching. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

The goblin comes running after you.

The sword starts shaking like crazy.

You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.
Attack monster
"We aren't close enough boss!"

You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.
You go east
The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.
A huge monster is crouching on the ledge. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

The goblin comes running after you.

The sword goes even crazier and starts thrashing like a headless chicken on drugs.

Unable to control the sword, you are slashed into little pieces.
You drop sword
Dropped.
Go east
The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.
A huge monster is crouching on the ledge. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

The goblin comes running after you.

All the eyes of the green monster swivel round and stare at the goblin.
Attack frog
The goblin throws himself at the monster. The monster opens its jaws and lunges forward. The mouth closes around the goblin. You hear some muffled goblin screams from within the monster's head. Just when you think your sidekick's career came to very early stop, the monster sneezes and the green guy comes shooting out of the monster's nostril and lands in a heap. Confused he shakes his head and mutters, "Sorry boss."

The green monster roars.
Is
A staff (with tentacles)
A Supreme crossbow (loaded)
A manual
A cage (with a gremlin) (closed and locked)
A helmet

You are wearing:
A coat (visible)
A ring
Boxer shorts.
Attack frog
The goblin throws himself at the monster. The monster opens its jaws and lunges forward. The mouth closes around the goblin. You hear some muffled goblin screams from within the monster's head. Just when you think your sidekick's career came to very early stop, the monster sneezes and the green guy comes shooting out of the monster's nostril and lands in a heap. Confused he shakes his head and mutters, "Sorry boss."

The green monster's tongue shoots out towards your legs, but you manage to jump to the side.
Go west
A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.
Not all that far to the east, near the end of the ledge, a huge monster is crouching. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

The new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium is here. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger. It is shaking like crazy.

The goblin comes running after you.
You take the sword
Taken.

You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.
You give the sword to the goblin
(the goblin sidekick)
The goblin says, "No thanks. Carrying around a vibrating sword sounds kind of dangerous."

You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.
You talk to the goblin
(the goblin sidekick)
"What should I do now?" you ask.
"I think we must deal with that monster, boss. How bout you hit it with the staff?"

You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.
Inventory
The new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger. It is shaking like crazy, and you can barely hold on to it or prevent it from cutting yourself.
A mail-ordered short metal staff with a clear orb on the end. Its manufacturers say the staff will remove any creature that comes in contact with the orb. Inside the orb you can see a small unmoving cluster of turquoise tentacles.
A Remmingheim Supreme crossbow, loaded with an arrow. The Supreme model is supposed to have a special feature. When you shoot it, the arrow will magically return, and the crossbow will be loaded again. The hard, razor-sharp arrow is protruding a good ten centimeters from the front of the crossbow.
"The Ultimate Creature Manual" by Arthur Hippoman. According to the back it contains information about every single monster in the world, and how to defend yourself against them. It is suspiciously thin.
A small cage. It is closed and locked with a code-lock (You know the code.). A gremlin, a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears, is trapped inside. He is wearing a tiny ring. He is smoking a tiny cigarette. His thin arms are sticking through the bars of the cage, and he is fiddling with the code-lock, trying one combination at a time.
A Super Champion Helmet. It is round and made of thin metal. It was supposed to magically turn you into a hero.

You are wearing:
A Hustlespleen & Poe Coat of Invisibility, though at the moment it looks like an ordinary, long, brown, coat. It is supposed to turn invisible (or turn visible again) whenever you say the magic word "tango".
On your finger is a Snuffelburg & Co. Type F Magical Ring. It is red and golden. It is supposed to protect you from any magical rays, by moving the effect of the ray away from you and onto the gremlin, which is wearing a smaller, magically connected, ring.
A pair of red boxer shorts, decorated with tiny teddy-bears dressed as sailors. They are not something you are supposed to test; they are your own.
You talk to Helmet
You can only do that to something animate.
You drop sword
Dropped.
You go east
The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.
A huge monster is crouching on the ledge. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

The goblin comes running after you.

The green monster roars.
You shoot the monster with the crossbow
You pull the trigger. The arrow magically returns to the crossbow and the crossbow is loaded again. Huh? That happened fast. The arrow did not even have time to leave the crossbow entirely! In fact, it barely moved!

The green monster steps on the goblin. The poor goblin disappears completely beneath the huge foot. After a while the monster lifts the foot, while looking down as if to see if the goblin is dead. He isn't. Dazed, the goblin gets up, shakes his head, and takes some steps away from the monster.
You hit the monster with staff
The huge monster vanishes.

A gigantic monster appears. It seems to consist entirely of many entwined writhing turquoise tentacles. There are no legs or arms or head. Each tentacle is as thick as a person and none seem to be shorter than five meters.

You notice that the huge monster is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.

A tentacle grabs one of the goblin's ears and lifts him from the ground. The goblin screams before the ear slides out of the tentacles grip, and he falls down.
You hit the monster with the staff
The gigantic tentacle monster vanishes.

The huge green monster appears.

You notice that the gigantic tentacle monster is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.

The green monster's tongue wraps itself around the waist of the goblin. The goblin is dragged kicking and screaming towards the monster's mouth. You manage to grab one of the goblin's arms and pull him loose from the tongue.
You hit the goblin with the staff
(the goblin sidekick with the staff)
The goblin sidekick vanishes.

A gigantic monster appears. It seems to consist entirely of many entwined writhing turquoise tentacles. There are no legs or arms or head. Each tentacle is as thick as a person and none seem to be shorter than five meters.

You notice that the goblin sidekick is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.

A tentacle grabs the tongue of the green monster and begins to pull. But the tongue pulls back, and the tentacle is dragged into the mouth of the green monster. The green monster bites off the end of the tentacle. The wounded tentacle, bleeding dark blue liquid, withdraws into the cluster of tentacles. The green monster chews on the tip of the tentacle for a while then swallows.

The green monster swings one of its legs at a tentacle, but misses.
Wait
Time passes.

A tentacle wraps around the green monster's head. The monster scratches the tentacle with its claws, and the tentacle withdraws.

The green monster swings one of its legs at a tentacle, but misses.
Wait
Time passes.

A tentacle grabs your arm, and you are pulled towards the cluster. You hit the tentacle and it lets go.

The green monster tries to hit you with the claws of one foot, but you manage to step back just in time.
You read 2
So, you have spotted a monster. How many legs does it have?
None: read page 3
One: read page 35
Two: read page 36
Three: read page 62
Four: read page 63
Six: read page 86
Eight: read page 87
Forty eight billion and five: read page 90
It varies: read page 91

A tentacle grabs you around your feet and lifts you up. You are hanging upside down. You wiggle your legs, until the tentacle lets go and you fall down.

The green monster swings one of its legs at a tentacle, but misses.
You read 3
Which of the following body parts does it have?
Fins: read page 4
Branches: read page 8
Tentacles: read page 11
Arms: read page 14
None of the above: read page 29

A tentacle grabs the tongue of the green monster and begins to pull. But the tongue pulls back, and the tentacle is dragged into the mouth of the green monster. The green monster bites off the end of the tentacle. The wounded tentacle, bleeding dark blue liquid, withdraws into the cluster of tentacles. The green monster chews on the tip of the tentacle for a while then swallows.

The green monster tries to hit you with the claws of one foot, but you manage to step back just in time.
You read 11
How many tentacles?
Eight: read page 12
Lots: Read page 13

A tentacle grabs your arm, and you are pulled towards the cluster. You hit the tentacle and it lets go.

The green monster lunges towards the tentacle monster, trying to bite it, but the tentacle monster wiggles back out of reach.
You read 13
Pope's Delight:
You'll need:
1 cup of water
2 cups of camel milk
1 handful of sugar
1 mouthful of flour
1 kilo of parrot spleens
1 otter, dead
Some whiskey

Mix all the incidences, except the otter and the whiskey, into a paste. Fry it in a pan for 20 minutes at full heat. Shave the otter and stuff it with the paste. Boil it until its nose falls off, then dip it in whiskey. Traditionally served with fried potatoes and donkey milk.

The letters on this page are different from the rest of the book. You realize this page actually belongs in another book, and has been printed here by mistake.

A tentacle plunges down towards your feet, but you manage to jump away from it.

The green monster swings one of its legs at a tentacle, but misses.
You give Helmet to the goblin
There is not much you can do to stuff that is inside the orb.

A tentacle hits one of the eyes of the green monster. The eye blinks.

The green monster swings one of its legs at a tentacle, but misses.
Tango
"Tango!"
The coat turns invisible. You on the other hand do not. The gremlin snickers at your boxer shorts.

A tentacle plunges down towards your feet, but you manage to jump away from it.

All the eyes of the green monster swivel round and stare at the tentacle monster.
Tango
"Tango!"
The coat turns visible.

A tentacle hits one of the eyes of the green monster. The eye blinks.

The green monster tries to hit you with the claws of one foot, but you manage to step back just in time.
You hit yourself with the staff
Suddenly everything looks slightly different.

The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.
A huge monster is crouching on the ledge. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

A mail-ordered short metal staff with a clear orb on the end lies here. Its manufacturers say the staff will remove any creature that comes in contact with the orb. Inside the orb you can see the goblin sidekick. He is now tiny and unmoving.

A gigantic monster is here. It seem to consist entirely of a cluster of many entwined writhing turquoise tentacles. There are no legs or arms or head. Each tentacle is as thick as a person and none seem to be shorter than five meters.

A tentacle grabs the tongue of the green monster and begins to pull. But the tongue pulls back, and the tentacle is dragged into the mouth of the green monster. The green monster bites off the end of the tentacle. The wounded tentacle, bleeding dark blue liquid, withdraws into the cluster of tentacles. The green monster chews on the tip of the tentacle for a while then swallows.

The green monster roars.
You talk to the goblin
There is not much you can do to stuff that is inside the orb.

A tentacle plunges down towards your feet, but you manage to jump away from it.

All the eyes of the green monster swivel round and stare at you.
You talk to the green monster
"Who are you?" you ask, but the monster ignores you.

A tentacle wraps around the green monster's head. The monster scratches the tentacle with its claws, and the tentacle withdraws.

The green monster's tongue shoots out towards your head, but you duck.
You kill the frog
You throw yourself against the monster. The monster smacks you with one of its legs, and you are slammed into the mountain wall.

A tentacle plunges down towards your feet, but you manage to jump away from it.

The green monster's tongue shoots out towards your head, but you duck.
Is
A Supreme crossbow (loaded)
A manual
A cage (with a gremlin) (closed and locked)
A helmet

You are wearing:
A coat (visible)
A ring
Boxer shorts.
You check your inventory
A Remmingheim Supreme crossbow, loaded with an arrow. The Supreme model is supposed to have a special feature. When you shoot it, the arrow will magically return, and the crossbow will be loaded again. The hard, razor-sharp arrow is protruding a good ten centimeters from the front of the crossbow.
"The Ultimate Creature Manual" by Arthur Hippoman. According to the back it contains information about every single monster in the world, and how to defend yourself against them. It is suspiciously thin.
A small cage. It is closed and locked with a code-lock (You know the code.). A gremlin, a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears, is trapped inside. He is wearing a tiny ring. He is smoking a tiny cigarette. His thin arms are sticking through the bars of the cage, and he is fiddling with the code-lock, trying one combination at a time.
A Super Champion Helmet. It is round and made of thin metal. It was supposed to magically turn you into a hero.

You are wearing:
A Hustlespleen & Poe Coat of Invisibility, though at the moment it looks like an ordinary, long, brown, coat. It is supposed to turn invisible (or turn visible again) whenever you say the magic word "tango".
On your finger is a Snuffelburg & Co. Type F Magical Ring. It is red and golden. It is supposed to protect you from any magical rays, by moving the effect of the ray away from you and onto the gremlin, which is wearing a smaller, magically connected, ring.
A pair of red boxer shorts, decorated with tiny teddy-bears dressed as sailors. They are not something you are supposed to test; they are your own.
Unlock cage
You unlock the code-lock. The gremlin jumps out of the cage. Then he runs giggling into the northern cave. You sigh and throw away the cage. You have tried catching gremlins before, and you know you'll never be able to.

A tentacle wraps around the green monster's head. The monster scratches the tentacle with its claws, and the tentacle withdraws.

The green monster swings one of its legs at a tentacle, but misses.
You talk to the gremlin
"Hey, how are you doing in there?" you ask.
"I'm suffocating," the gremlin says. "Unless you let me out soon I'll die!"

A tentacle grabs hold of one of the eyes of the green monster and begins to pull. The eye is pulled away from the eye cluster, but is still attached with what appears to be a pink rubbery string. The string gets stretched pretty far, and for a moment it seems as if it is going to break. Then the tentacle lets go and the eye snaps back into the cluster. The eyes wobble like jelly. Then they blink, and the green monster looks a bit confused.

The green monster tries to hit you with the claws of one foot, but you manage to step back just in time.
You read 1
You pull the trigger. The arrow magically returns to the crossbow and the crossbow is loaded again. Huh? That happened fast. The arrow did not even have time to leave the crossbow entirely! In fact, it barely moved!

A tentacle grabs hold of one of the eyes of the green monster and begins to pull. The eye is pulled away from the eye cluster, but is still attached with what appears to be a pink rubbery string. The string gets stretched pretty far, and for a moment it seems as if it is going to break. Then the tentacle lets go and the eye snaps back into the cluster. The eyes wobble like jelly. Then they blink, and the green monster looks a bit confused.

The green monster's tongue shoots out towards your legs, but you manage to jump to the side.

>On the front is a badly drawn picture of three monsters running away from a man who is holding a copy of the book over his head.

A tentacle grabs your arm, and you are pulled towards the cluster. You hit the tentacle and it lets go.

The green monster stares at you and licks itself around the mouth. Then it opens its mouth wide, roars, and determinedly begins walking towards you. Uh-Oh!
Go west
As you are about to go, a tentacle wraps itself around one of your legs. You fall, and are pulled back. You manage to untangle your leg.

A tentacle grabs the tongue of the green monster and begins to pull. But the tongue pulls back, and the tentacle is dragged into the mouth of the green monster. The green monster bites off the end of the tentacle. The wounded tentacle, bleeding dark blue liquid, withdraws into the cluster of tentacles. The green monster chews on the tip of the tentacle for a while then swallows.

The green monster's tongue shoots out and wraps itself around your waist. You are pulled into the monster's mouth and chewed to little pieces.
Go west
As you are about to go, a tentacle wraps itself around one of your arms and pulls you back. You hit the tentacle with your free arm and it lets go.

A tentacle grabs the tongue of the green monster and begins to pull. But the tongue pulls back, and the tentacle is dragged into the mouth of the green monster. The green monster bites off the end of the tentacle. The wounded tentacle, bleeding dark blue liquid, withdraws into the cluster of tentacles. The green monster chews on the tip of the tentacle for a while then swallows.

The green monster's tongue shoots out and wraps itself around your waist. You are pulled into the monster's mouth and chewed to little pieces.
You go west
As you are about to go, a tentacle wraps itself around one of your arms and pulls you back. You hit the tentacle with your free arm and it lets go.

A tentacle grabs hold of one of the eyes of the green monster and begins to pull. The eye is pulled away from the eye cluster, but is still attached with what appears to be a pink rubbery string. The string gets stretched pretty far, and for a moment it seems as if it is going to break. Then the tentacle lets go and the eye snaps back into the cluster. The eyes wobble like jelly. Then they blink, and the green monster looks a bit confused.

The green monster's tongue shoots out and wraps itself around your waist. You are pulled into the monster's mouth and chewed to little pieces.
You hit the frog with the staff
First taking the staff.
Taken.
The huge monster vanishes.

The goblin sidekick appears.

You notice that the huge monster is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.

The goblin says, "Gee boss, I am kind of confused about what just happened. But I saw you had become this tiny frozen figure inside the orb. I figured I had to try and rescue you, so I touched the orb. I don't know exactly what happened then, but now here you are."

A tentacle chases the goblin around for a while.
You hit the monster with the staff
The gigantic tentacle monster vanishes.

The huge green monster appears.

You notice that the gigantic tentacle monster is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.

The green monster roars.
You throw the sword at frog
The monster is too far away.

You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.
You read 2
So, you have spotted a monster. How many legs does it have?
None: read page 3
One: read page 35
Two: read page 36
Three: read page 62
Four: read page 63
Six: read page 86
Eight: read page 87
Forty eight billion and five: read page 90
It varies: read page 91

You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.
You give Helmet to the goblin
(the goblin sidekick)
You give the Super Champion Helmet to the goblin.

IMPORTANT NOTE: If you forget what items the goblin has, you can ask him with "Goblin, Inventory". This note will not be repeated.

You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.
You put on Helmet
"I don't need a helmet to be a hero."

You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.
You go to the east
The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.
A huge monster is crouching on the ledge. Its green skin is scaly, its body is bloated like a balloon, its four feet have long terrible claws, its wide mouth has thousands of sharp teeth and on top of its head is a cluster of about fifty bulging eyes as big as your head.

The goblin comes running after you.

The green monster's tongue shoots out towards your head, but you duck.
Stab frog with arrow
You slam the crossbow, arrow first, into the monster's belly. The monster explodes like a balloon, leaving no remains. So not quite like a balloon then.
You go west
A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.

The new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium is here. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger.

The goblin comes running after you.
You take the sword
Taken.
Go east
The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.

The goblin comes running after you.

The sword starts vibrating ever so slightly.
You go north
This cave has an exit leading outside to the south, or you can go further into the mountain to the north.
A burly barbarian is leaning against a wall, his arms crossed over his naked chest, a grim expression on his face. A long sabre is in his belt.
A tough-looking dwarf, wearing chain mail and a helmet, is sitting on the floor. He is holding an axe almost as big as himself. He is smoking a pipe.
A muscular white horse and a mangy donkey stand here.

The goblin comes running after you.

The sword starts shaking quite a lot.
You talk to the barbarian
(the barbarian)
"What are you doing?" you ask.
"Grirgr and the dwarf were sent to look for treasures. But Grirgr not stupid! He thinks, why risk our lives? So we wait here until somebody else finds treasure! Then we buy it!"
You talk to dwarf
"So, been here long?" you say. The dwarf nods.
You drop sword
Dropped.
Go north
An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the north. There is also an exit to the south.
A red automat, hundred of meters tall, stands in the middle of the cave. Despite the insane magnitude of the machine, its money-slot and buttons are normal-sized and placed at normal height. The merchandise-slot is also close to the floor, but huge enough to hold a horse. You have come across these automats before. Several companies have recently begun placing them in dangerous places, for adventurers who need equipment. They are easy to use; just buy something. Something is written on the automat next to the buttons.
A stone altar stands up against a wall. It is low, shadowy, bloodstained and has runes written on it. Next to it is a huge pile of fish bones.

The goblin comes running after you.
You read the automat
Adventurer's Emporium's Convenient Equipment Automat: for everything an adventurer needs.
30 gold coins     Wheelbarrow
35 gold coins     Umbrella
35 gold coins     Roller skates
35 gold coins     Pogo stick
35 gold coins     Giant rubber band
40 gold coins     Spell of summoning: Aardvark
40 gold coins     Spell of metamorphosis: Chicken
40 gold coins     Lie detector pants
40 gold coins     Magical bag of unlimited water balloons
50 gold coins     Spell of summoning: Lawyer
50 gold coins     Spell of metamorphosis: Giant Sloth
50 gold coins     King-size box of assorted fireworks
50 gold coins     Horse
100 gold coins     Platoon of miniature zombies
500 gold coins     Necronomicon
You get the fish bones
Never mind the pile of fish bones.
You sit on the altar
NO WAY!
You read the runes
At the top of the altar is a long string of small crudely drawn runes. The first depicts a large man punching a small man. The second a large man pushing a small man. The third a large man giving a small man a wedgie. There are many more with similar motifs. You have seen runes like this before. They mean that this is an altar of Snurgelfjekk, the cat-headed god of bullies. At the center of the altar is a larger, more detailed rune. It depicts the altar and two people. One of the people is playing a saxophone. The other is putting something on the altar; you can't quite make out what it is supposed to be. Lines are coming out in all directions from the altar, perhaps representing light or heat.
Go north
You try, but the bright light is too strong. It hurts your eyes.
You get Helmet
Taken.
Wear Helmet
You can't make yourself put on the helmet again. It is just too idiotic.
Go south
This cave has an exit leading outside to the south, or you can go further into the mountain to the north.
A burly barbarian is leaning against a wall, his arms crossed over his naked chest, a grim expression on his face. A long sabre is in his belt.
A tough-looking dwarf, wearing chain mail and a helmet, is sitting on the floor. He is holding an axe almost as big as himself. He is smoking a pipe.
A muscular white horse and a mangy donkey stand here.

The new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium is here. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger. It is shaking quite a lot.

The goblin comes running after you.
You go south
The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.

The goblin comes running after you.

The sword calms down, and is now only vibrating ever so slightly.
You go to the north-west
This cave has an exit southeast to the outside, or you could go further into the mountain to the northwest.
A somewhat larger than life-size statue of his holiness One-Hand Jack stands in the middle of the cave. Jack used to be an infamous pirate, but later formed Hoverism, a peaceful religion. The statue holds its left arm out and up, the hook at the end of it just low enough to be reached.
An old Hoverist is hovering about a meter above the floor. He is sitting in the lotus position, his head is turned towards the statue, and his eyes are closed. He is wearing a white loincloth.

The goblin comes running after you.

The sword starts shaking quite a lot.
You talk to Hoverist
"What are you doing?" you ask.
The Hoverist opens his eyes and looks at you. "I am trying to reach the forty-seventh stage of Hoverism. I can teach you about Hoverism if you like. The first stage is to be able to hover. You have to figure out how to do that for yourself. Once you know how to hover come talk to me again, and I will teach you the second stage."
Hover
You don't know how to do that. Maybe there is some way to fake it.
You jump
If you are thinking of jumping up and down to convince the Hoverist that you can hover, I think you are underestimating him.
You hang from the hook
You jump up and grab the hook. You hang there dangling.
You talk to Hoverist
"Hey old guy," you say "look at me! I am hovering!"
The Hoverist looks at you and says, "True, your feet are not touching the ground. But it doesn't count if you are holding on to that hook!"
You drop the hook
You drop down.
You put cloak on the hook
That's a bit awkward when you are hanging from the hook.
You put the cloak on the hook
You take off the coat.
You hang the coat on the hook.
Tango
"Tango!"
The coat turns invisible.
You hang from the hook
That's a bit awkward with the coat hanging from the hook. Try hanging from the coat.
You hang from Coat
You grab hold of the coat. You hang there dangling.
"Hey old guy," you say "look at me! I am hovering!"
The Hoverist looks at you and says, "Excellent, albeit a very strange and dangling hovering technique. I will now teach you the second stage of Hoverism: Facing pain."

The Hoverist spends some time teaching you how to face pain. You will still feel the pain, but you are no longer afraid of it.
Drop
(the coat)
You drop down.
You get Coat
You decide to leave the coat. You can't think of any other uses you can get from it.
Is
A staff (with tentacles)
A Supreme crossbow (loaded)
A manual
A cage (with a gremlin) (closed and locked)
A helmet

You are wearing:
A ring
Boxer shorts.
You go to the north-west
This cave has exits to the northwest and southeast.
A huge black safe stands here, closed. Due to the unevenness of the cave floor, there is a gap between the safe and the floor, big enough for somebody to crawl down into.
A shoal of small fish crawls around on the floor. They look creepy. Their skins are white and look almost transparent. Their eyes are also white and don't have pupils.

The goblin comes running after you.
You get the fish
You manage to catch a sluggish fish.
You open safe
You try some random combinations, but the safe remains locked.
You enter the gap
This is a tight tiny room formed between the safe and the uneven floor. You can barely move. Unfortunately the safe seems to be just as solid on the underside. The only way out is up.

The goblin crawls in with you. Your bodies are pushed together. "This is uncomfortable," the goblin mutters.
Go upwards
This cave has exits to the northwest and southeast.
A huge black safe stands here, closed. Due to the unevenness of the cave floor, there is a gap between the safe and the floor, big enough for somebody to crawl down into.
A shoal of small fish crawls around on the floor. They look creepy. Their skins are white and look almost transparent. Their eyes are also white and don't have pupils.

The goblin crawls out from under the safe.
You go northwest
The only exit from this cave is to the southeast.
Some runes are written on the wall.

A bottle of the dreaded Dante Tomato Sauce, Triple-Extra Spicy stands here. Something is written on it. It is closed.

The goblin comes running after you.
You read the runes
You try, but the runes start swimming before your eyes. It is impossible to get any meaning from them. All you get is a slight headache. As soon as you avert your eyes, you can't even remember what the runes looked like. You have come across this phenomenon on a couple of previous product testing missions, so you know the reason. The runes are goblin runes; magical runes that can only be read by goblins.
You read the runes
The goblin looks at the runes. "Oh dear, I can't read them," he says. "Do the runes swim before your eyes?" you ask, surprised.
"Oh no, nothing like that. It's just that the runes are too small. My eyes aren't as good as they used to be. If only there was some way I could see better."

>The goblin looks at the runes. "Oh dear, I can't read them," he says. "Do the runes swim before your eyes?" you ask, surprised.
"Oh no, nothing like that. It's just that the runes are too small. My eyes aren't as good as they used to be. If only there was some way I could see better."
You get the bottle
Taken.
You go southeast
This cave has exits to the northwest and southeast.
A huge black safe stands here, closed. Due to the unevenness of the cave floor, there is a gap between the safe and the floor, big enough for somebody to crawl down into.
A shoal of small fish crawls around on the floor. They look creepy. Their skins are white and look almost transparent. Their eyes are also white and don't have pupils.

The goblin comes running after you.
You go southeast
This cave has an exit southeast to the outside, or you could go further into the mountain to the northwest.
A somewhat larger than life-size statue of his holiness One-Hand Jack stands in the middle of the cave. Jack used to be an infamous pirate, but later formed Hoverism, a peaceful religion. The statue holds its left arm out and up, the hook at the end of it just low enough to be reached.
An old Hoverist is hovering about a meter above the floor. He is sitting in the lotus position, his head is turned towards the statue, and his eyes are closed. He is wearing a white loincloth.

Though you cannot see it, you know that a Hustlespleen & Poe Coat of Invisibility hangs on the hook. It is supposed to turn visible (or turn invisible again) whenever you say the magic word "tango".

The new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium is here. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger. It is shaking like crazy.

The goblin comes running after you.

The sword goes even crazier and starts thrashing like a headless chicken on drugs.
You go southeast
The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.

The goblin comes running after you.
Go northeast
This cave has an exit leading outside to the southwest. In the middle of the ceiling, high above you, is a round hole. On the floor, directly under the hole, is a pile of hay.
A short lever with a handle sticks out from a wall. The handle has a thin, wide gap, large enough for the fingers of one hand to go through. A metallic pyramid, about half a meter high, sticks up from the cave floor. You once tested a hundred different teleporters, and you recognize the pyramid as one of the safest and least complicated models. To use it you just stand on it and shake the lever repeatedly. This particular teleporter seems badly designed though: the lever is far away from it, almost on the other side of the cave.

The goblin comes running after you.
You stand on the pyramid
You get on the teleporter.
You stand on the hay
Never mind the pile of hay.
Go southwest
You'll have to get off the teleporter first.
You get off
You get off the teleporter.
Go west
A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.

The goblin comes running after you.
You go to the northwest
This cave has an exit southeast to the outside, or you could go further into the mountain to the northwest.
A somewhat larger than life-size statue of his holiness One-Hand Jack stands in the middle of the cave. Jack used to be an infamous pirate, but later formed Hoverism, a peaceful religion. The statue holds its left arm out and up, the hook at the end of it just low enough to be reached.
An old Hoverist is hovering about a meter above the floor. He is sitting in the lotus position, his head is turned towards the statue, and his eyes are closed. He is wearing a white loincloth.

Though you cannot see it, you know that a Hustlespleen & Poe Coat of Invisibility hangs on the hook. It is supposed to turn visible (or turn invisible again) whenever you say the magic word "tango".

The new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium is here. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger. It is shaking quite a lot.

The goblin comes running after you.
Go southeast
The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.

The goblin comes running after you.

The sword starts shaking like crazy.

You have a hard time holding on to the sword, and you have to struggle to keep from slashing yourself.
You go northeast
This cave has an exit leading outside to the southwest. In the middle of the ceiling, high above you, is a round hole. On the floor, directly under the hole, is a pile of hay.
A short lever with a handle sticks out from a wall. The handle has a thin, wide gap, large enough for the fingers of one hand to go through. A metallic pyramid, about half a meter high, sticks up from the cave floor. You once tested a hundred different teleporters, and you recognize the pyramid as one of the safest and least complicated models. To use it you just stand on it and shake the lever repeatedly. This particular teleporter seems badly designed though: the lever is far away from it, almost on the other side of the cave.

The goblin comes running after you.

The sword calms down, but is still shaking quite a lot.
You put sword in the lever
You slide the sword into the gap. The hilt prevents the sword from falling through. The shaking of the sword is not enough to shake the handle.
You go west
A narrow mountain ledge leading west and east.

A bottle of the dreaded Dante Tomato Sauce, Triple-Extra Spicy stands here. Something is written on it. It is closed.

The goblin comes running after you.
You go northeast
This cave has an exit leading outside to the southwest. In the middle of the ceiling, high above you, is a round hole. On the floor, directly under the hole, is a pile of hay.
A short lever with a handle sticks out from a wall. The handle has a thin, wide gap, large enough for the fingers of one hand to go through. A metallic pyramid, about half a meter high, sticks up from the cave floor. You once tested a hundred different teleporters, and you recognize the pyramid as one of the safest and least complicated models. To use it you just stand on it and shake the lever repeatedly. This particular teleporter seems badly designed though: the lever is far away from it, almost on the other side of the cave.

Up from the lever sticks the new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger. It is shaking like crazy, but not enough to shake the lever.

The goblin comes running after you.

The sword goes even crazier and starts thrashing like a headless chicken on drugs.

The sword makes the lever shake. There comes a low humming sound from the teleporter.
You get on the teleporter
You get on the teleporter.

The sword makes the lever shake. The sound from the teleporter gets louder.
You wait
Time passes.

The sword makes the lever shake. The sound gets even louder. A few electrical sparks shoots up from the teleporter. Your feet tickle.
You wait for a while
Time passes.

The sword makes the lever shake. The teleporter starts shaking and smoking. The cave begins to fade out around you, and another cave fades in.

This cave has an exit to the east. In the middle of the floor is a round hole.
A huge dead monster lies here, its four feet in the air. It has a stupid-looking face on a round gray hairless body. Its tiny eyes stare at nothing. The upper half of a dead pointy-eared elf is sticking out of its mouth. It looks like the monster choked on the elf. The elf is wearing a backpack.

You look down at yourself. You seem unsubstantial, like a ghost. Slowly you begin to take on a more solid form. You hear the gremlin giggle. You look down. The ghostly gremlin jumps right through the bars of the ghostly cage. Second later you, the gremlin, the cage, and the rest of your possessions look normal again. The gremlin runs to the hole in the floor. "So long sucker!" he says and jumps through. You sigh and throw away the cage. You have tried catching gremlins before, and you know you won't be able to.
You drop the cage
The cage slides down from the teleporter.

The sword makes the lever shake. The teleporter starts shaking and smoking. The cave begins to fade out around you, and another cave fades in.

This cave has an exit to the east. In the middle of the floor is a round hole.
A huge dead monster lies here, its four feet in the air. It has a stupid-looking face on a round gray hairless body. Its tiny eyes stare at nothing. The upper half of a dead pointy-eared elf is sticking out of its mouth. It looks like the monster choked on the elf. The elf is wearing a backpack.

You look down at yourself. You seem unsubstantial, like a ghost. Slowly you begin to take on a more solid form. Now you look normal.
You get the backpack
Some of the monster's teeth stick through the lower half of the backpack, and thus the backpack is stuck. But you feel something inside.
You open the backpack
You find the following stuff in the backpack, which you take:
A Huxoflux & Son healing gun. You tested one of these four years ago, and they are excellent. Just shoot anything that is wounded or sick.
A nosehairscrew, a small intricate mechanism with many arms, spikes and pinchers. Part of the Guggensmith Portable Torturing Set that you refused to test some months ago. You are supposed to stuff it up someone's nose, and then twist it to cause horrendous pain.
A pair of mirrorshades. You can see yourself in them.
You wear the shades
You put on the pair of mirrorshades.
Go east
This cave has exits to the west and northwest.
A goblin woman is standing here. She is wearing a medallion, and carrying a purse. You are not quite sure, but with her long ears, sharp yellow teeth, and big feet you think she is pretty cute by goblin standards.
You talk to the goblin
"Hey, what are you doing here?" you ask.
"I work here. I'm a guard."
"What's it like?"
"Kind of lonely. I wish there were some other goblins around."
You ask the goblin about the guarding
In this game you communicate by "talk to [whatever]", or by giving commands in this format: "goblin, give me the cow-o-meter".
You give you the the medallion
"Yeah, right!"
Go northwest
The female goblin blocks your path. "You can't go in here," she says.
You get the purse
Never mind the purse.
Go west
This cave has an exit to the east. In the middle of the floor is a round hole.
A huge dead monster lies here, its four feet in the air. It has a stupid-looking face on a round gray hairless body. Its tiny eyes stare at nothing. The upper half of a dead pointy-eared elf is sticking out of its mouth. It looks like the monster choked on the elf. The elf is wearing a backpack.
Go downwards
You jump down the hole. You land in a pile of hay. You get up.

This cave has an exit leading outside to the southwest. In the middle of the ceiling, high above you, is a round hole. On the floor, directly under the hole, is a pile of hay.
A short lever with a handle sticks out from a wall. The handle has a thin, wide gap, large enough for the fingers of one hand to go through. A metallic pyramid, about half a meter high, sticks up from the cave floor. You once tested a hundred different teleporters, and you recognize the pyramid as one of the safest and least complicated models. To use it you just stand on it and shake the lever repeatedly. This particular teleporter seems badly designed though: the lever is far away from it, almost on the other side of the cave.

Up from the lever sticks the new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger. It is shaking like crazy, but not enough to shake the lever.

You can see a cage (which is closed) (in which is a gremlin) and the goblin sidekick here.

The sword goes even crazier and starts thrashing like a headless chicken on drugs.

The sword makes the lever shake. There comes a low humming sound from the teleporter.

The gremlin picks up a small rock from the ground. He smashes the code-lock with it and jumps out of the cage. Then he runs giggling through the southwest exit.
You get on the teleporter
The goblin gets on the teleporter.

The sword makes the lever shake. The sound from the teleporter gets louder.
You get on the teleporter
You get on the teleporter.

The sword makes the lever shake. The sound gets even louder. A few electrical sparks shoots up from the teleporter. Your feet tickle. The goblin giggles.
You wait awhile
Time passes.

The sword makes the lever shake. The teleporter starts shaking and smoking. The cave begins to fade out around you, and another cave fades in.

This cave has an exit to the east. In the middle of the floor is a round hole.
A huge dead monster lies here, its four feet in the air. It has a stupid-looking face on a round gray hairless body. Its tiny eyes stare at nothing. The upper half of a dead pointy-eared elf is sticking out of its mouth. It looks like the monster choked on the elf. The elf is wearing a backpack.

The goblin begins to fade in next to you. You look down at yourself. You seem unsubstantial, like a ghost. Slowly you begin to take on a more solid form. Now you look normal.
Go east
This cave has exits to the west and northwest.
A goblin woman is standing here. She is wearing a medallion, and carrying a purse. You are not quite sure, but with her long ears, sharp yellow teeth, and big feet you think she is pretty cute by goblin standards.

The goblin comes running after you.

"Well, hello there!" says the female goblin and smiles.

"Uh, hi," says the goblin, his cheeks turning a darker shade of green. They seem distracted.
You wait for a while
Time passes.
You go to the northwest
You sneak out. The goblins don't seem to notice.

This cave has an exit to the southeast.
On the north wall is a small round metal hatch. It is closed.
Near the hatch is a table.
In a corner stands a short metal garbage can. It is closed.

On the table you can see:
A long heavy-looking iron spear.
A Remmingeim Royal crossbow. The older Royal model is almost identical to the Supreme. Very few but an experienced product tester like yourself could tell the difference. The Royal is quite good. It does not have the returning arrow function, but it is magically protected from theft and vandalism. It has an arrow identical to the one in the Supreme bow.
You get the spear
The spear is too heavy for that.
You open can
You open the garbage can. It is empty.
You open hatch
It is locked.
You get the table
The table is too heavy for that.
Unlock hatch
What do you want to unlock the hatch with?
Arrow
Which do you mean, the Royal arrow or the Supreme arrow?
Supreme
(first taking the Supreme arrow)
You attempt to get the arrow from the crossbow, but almost immediately it disappears from your grip and reappears in the crossbow.
You get the royal arrow
Just as you are about to take the arrow, the crossbow wiggles out of your grip. It hangs hovering in the air for a moment.Then it flies away and lands on the table.
You hit the hatch with Supreme
You smash the crossbow into the hatch, but it is pretty solid.
You get the royal arrow
You try, but the crossbow starts wiggling around, making it impossible.
Fire royal arrow
First taking the Royal crossbow.
Taken.
Just as you are about to pull the trigger the crossbow wiggles out of your grip. It flies away and lands on the table. That theft protection is pretty good!
You put the bow in the can
Which do you mean, the Royal crossbow or the Supreme crossbow?
You put the royal bow in the can
You put the Royal crossbow into the garbage can.
You go southeast
You sneak back.

This cave has exits to the west and northwest.
A goblin woman is standing here. She is wearing a medallion, and carrying a purse. You are not quite sure, but with her long ears, sharp yellow teeth, and big feet you think she is pretty cute by goblin standards. She is staring at your sidekick, looking rather distracted.

You can see the goblin sidekick here.
You go west
"Come along now," you say to the goblin as you leave.

This cave has an exit to the east. In the middle of the floor is a round hole.
A huge dead monster lies here, its four feet in the air. It has a stupid-looking face on a round gray hairless body. Its tiny eyes stare at nothing. The upper half of a dead pointy-eared elf is sticking out of its mouth. It looks like the monster choked on the elf. The elf is wearing a backpack.

The goblin reluctantly walks in from the east, throwing several glances over his shoulder.
Go downwards
You jump down the hole. You land in a pile of hay. You hear someone shouting, "Wheeeeeee!" and you look up. The goblin is falling right towards you. You quickly roll to the side, and the goblin lands in the hay. You two get up.

This cave has an exit leading outside to the southwest. In the middle of the ceiling, high above you, is a round hole. On the floor, directly under the hole, is a pile of hay.
A short lever with a handle sticks out from a wall. The handle has a thin, wide gap, large enough for the fingers of one hand to go through. A metallic pyramid, about half a meter high, sticks up from the cave floor. You once tested a hundred different teleporters, and you recognize the pyramid as one of the safest and least complicated models. To use it you just stand on it and shake the lever repeatedly. This particular teleporter seems badly designed though: the lever is far away from it, almost on the other side of the cave.

Up from the lever sticks the new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger. It is shaking like crazy, but not enough to shake the lever.

You can see the goblin sidekick and a cage here.

The sword goes even crazier and starts thrashing like a headless chicken on drugs.

The sword makes the lever shake. There comes a low humming sound from the teleporter.
You go to the north
This cave has an exit leading outside to the south, or you can go further into the mountain to the north.
A burly barbarian is leaning against a wall, his arms crossed over his naked chest, a grim expression on his face. A long sabre is in his belt.
A tough-looking dwarf, wearing chain mail and a helmet, is sitting on the floor. He is holding an axe almost as big as himself. He is smoking a pipe.
A muscular white horse and a mangy donkey stand here.

The goblin comes running after you.
Go north
An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the north. There is also an exit to the south.
A red automat, hundred of meters tall, stands in the middle of the cave. Despite the insane magnitude of the machine, its money-slot and buttons are normal-sized and placed at normal height. The merchandise-slot is also close to the floor, but huge enough to hold a horse. You have come across these automats before. Several companies have recently begun placing them in dangerous places, for adventurers who need equipment. They are easy to use; just buy something. Something is written on the automat next to the buttons.
A stone altar stands up against a wall. It is low, shadowy, bloodstained and has runes written on it. Next to it is a huge pile of fish bones.

The goblin comes running after you.
You put the fish on the altar
(the sluggish fish on the altar)
You put the sluggish fish on the altar.
You read the runes
At the top of the altar is a long string of small crudely drawn runes. The first depicts a large man punching a small man. The second a large man pushing a small man. The third a large man giving a small man a wedgie. There are many more with similar motifs. You have seen runes like this before. They mean that this is an altar of Snurgelfjekk, the cat-headed god of bullies. At the center of the altar is a larger, more detailed rune. It depicts the altar and two people. One of the people is playing a saxophone. The other is putting something on the altar; you can't quite make out what it is supposed to be. Lines are coming out in all directions from the altar, perhaps representing light or heat.
Is
A staff (with tentacles)
A bottle (closed)
A healing gun
A nosehairscrew
A Supreme crossbow (loaded)
A manual
A helmet

You are wearing:
Mirrorshades
A ring
Boxer shorts.
You go to the north
This cave has exits to the north, east, south and west.
A stone pedestal as tall as you stands in a corner. A knife is planted in it, hilt up.

A diamond the size of your chest lies in the middle of the cave. A tremendous light shines out from it and fills the entire cave.

You can also see the gremlin here.

The goblin comes running after you.

When the gremlin sees you, he runs away to the north.
You take the diamond
This thing is really heavy. You just barely manage to pick it up. Your back creaks ominously.
Go south
The diamond is so heavy; you can't bear to go anywhere whilst holding it.
You get the knife
You pull the knife out of the pedestal. You notice the following things:
1. A mysterious click.
2. That the knife is very dull.
3. A large gap in the cave wall next to you opening up.
4. A metal arm with a round spinning saw-blade emerging from the gap. 5. The top of your head being cut off.
6. The arm retreating.
7. The gap closing.
8. Lots of blood gushing out of your head.
You touch the diamond with the staff
Nothing happens.
You get the diamond
"I am afraid that is too heavy for me."
You check what you're carrying
A mail-ordered short metal staff with a clear orb on the end. Its manufacturers say the staff will remove any creature that comes in contact with the orb. Inside the orb you can see a small unmoving cluster of turquoise tentacles.
A bottle of the dreaded Dante Tomato Sauce, Triple-Extra Spicy. Something is written on it. It is closed.
A Huxoflux & Son healing gun. You tested one of these four years ago, and they are excellent. Just shoot anything that is wounded or sick.
A nosehairscrew, a small intricate mechanism with many arms, spikes and pinchers. Part of the Guggensmith Portable Torturing Set that you refused to test some months ago. You are supposed to stuff it up someone's nose, and then twist it to cause horrendous pain.
A Remmingheim Supreme crossbow, loaded with an arrow. The Supreme model is supposed to have a special feature. When you shoot it, the arrow will magically return, and the crossbow will be loaded again. The hard, razor-sharp arrow is protruding a good ten centimeters from the front of the crossbow.
"The Ultimate Creature Manual" by Arthur Hippoman. According to the back it contains information about every single monster in the world, and how to defend yourself against them. It is suspiciously thin.
A Super Champion Helmet. It is round and made of thin metal. It was supposed to magically turn you into a hero.

You are wearing:
A pair of mirrorshades. You could see yourself in them if you weren't wearing them.
On your finger is a Snuffelburg & Co. Type F Magical Ring. It is red and golden. It is supposed to protect you from any magical rays, by moving the effect of the ray away from you and onto the gremlin. That is, if the gremlin is still wearing the smaller, magically connected, ring.
A pair of red boxer shorts, decorated with tiny teddy-bears dressed as sailors. They are not something you are supposed to test; they are your own.
You go to the west
An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the east. It is terribly hot here. The intolerable temperature is almost certainly caused by the red-hot stone oven standing in a corner.
A stone table stands in the middle of the cave. Round it stands a stone throne with an old troll, a stone chair with a tall troll, a stone stool with a short troll, and a large stone. The trolls look a bit like humans made of stone, though with no necks, bigger jaws, smaller eyes and huge arms and hands. They are playing some kind of card game.
A golem, a man crudely made from stone, is standing here unmoving. Some runes have been chiseled into his chest.

You can see a stone saxophone here.

The goblin comes running after you.
You read the runes
"Don't know what is says. Maybe it's an advertisement for a music store."
Go east
As you are about to leave, the golem suddenly comes to life. It easily yanks the saxophone from your arms and puts it on the cave floor. Then it goes back to standing still, exactly in the same position as before. One of the trolls says, "Ur, oh yeah, that golem was sat there to guard the saxophone. That sax is some kind of holy relic or something."
You get the stone
The large stone is too heavy for that.
You talk to the golem
(the golem)
"Who made you?" you ask, but the golem does not respond.
You talk to the tall troll
"So what is this game called?" you ask.
"Ur, troll poker."
You talk to the old troll
"Can I play?" you ask.
"Ur, have you got any money?"
"No."
"Ur, then you can't play."
You talk to the short troll
"So are you guys really made of stone?" you ask.
"Ur, dunno."
Smash golem
(the golem)
You smash your fist into the golem, then scream in pain. The trolls laugh.
You touch golem with staff
(the golem with the staff)
Nothing happens. Guess golems aren't technically living.
Is
A staff (with tentacles)
A bottle (closed)
A healing gun
A nosehairscrew
A Supreme crossbow (loaded)
A manual
A helmet

You are wearing:
Mirrorshades
A ring
Boxer shorts.
You go east
This cave has exits to the north, east, south and west.
A stone pedestal as tall as you stands in a corner. A knife is planted in it, hilt up.

A diamond the size of your chest lies in the middle of the cave. A tremendous light shines out from it and fills the entire cave.

The goblin comes running after you.
You go north
An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the south.
Some runes are written on the wall.
A genie floats about a meter above the ground. He looks like a man made of ice. He is bald, but has a beard of icicles. He has no legs; his stomach rises from a small cloud of icy steam. He holds an ice sabre.
A hippoman, half man, half hippo, stands knitting something yellow. He is fat, purple and has two very thick legs.
A young angry-looking woman stands holding a large placard saying "Save the monsters!" She is clearly one of those monster rights activists that have been making your job so much harder lately.
The gremlin has climbed quite high up on the wall. He is a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears. He is wearing a tiny ring and is smoking a tiny cigarette.
A large metal chest stands up against a wall. It is closed.
A large machine is at the back of the cave. Its mechanisms looks very complex. Actually it is very easy to use. You know this because on a previous product-testing mission you came across a machine just like it and spend four hours trying to figure out how it worked. The machine is for sharpening tools and weapons. Just put what you want sharpened into it and wait.

You can see a big tacky holy grail here.

The goblin comes running after you.

The woman notices you and smiles. "Hello there," she says.
The genie nods at you.
The hippoman says, "Welcome to my humble cave."
"I know him," says the gremlin. "He had me trapped in a cage. He is one of them adventurers. He goes around killing monsters."
"What?!" shouts the woman.
"Yeah," says the gremlin "And he once said he thought genies were a bunch of overrated powerless second-class ghosts."
"Did he now?" says the genie.
The gremlin turns to the hippoman and says, "He also told me hippomen stink and that you were a tub of lard!"
The hippoman snorts angrily. He, the woman and the genie approach you. The hippoman punches you in the stomach saying "You disgusting human!" The woman hits you in the head with her placard shouting, "Go away, you monster molester!" The genie lifts you up by the neck with one icy hand, and throws you down on the floor. The three go away from you muttering angrily. The gremlin giggles as you get up.
Torture gremlin
What do you want to torture the gremlin with?
Nosehairscrew
The gremlin is too high up.
You get the grail
As you are about to take it, the hippoman knocks you down. "So, trying to rob a poor defenseless hippoman are you?" he says.
You talk to Hippoman
You try to explain, "The gremlin was lying. I have never said anything bad about hippomen."
The hippoman snorts angrily. "Why should I believe a hippohater like you?"
You talk to the woman
You ask, "Why are you trying to save the monsters anyway?"
"Are you kidding? Don't you know that each year 40 species of monsters go extinct because of adventurers?"
You talk to the genie
"So you are a genie, eh?" you say. "I wish I had a nice big treasure." "Dream on, transient creature."
Open chest
Just as you are about to open the chest, the genie rushes towards you swinging his sabre. You jump back. The genie says, "That is my chest!"
You read the runes
"Danger of falling rocks. Please don't make any loud noises, as people OR MONSTERS might get hurt. And you wouldn't want that now. WOULD YOU?"
Shout
You shout as loud as you can.

Rocks start falling from the ceiling. A couple of small ones hit you. "My head! My beautiful head!" the hippoman cries as a rock hits him. The goblin runs around in circles in an unsuccessful attempt to avoid the rocks. The genie looks pretty annoyed as a big rock bounces off his head. "Oh, won't somebody protect my beautiful head," the hippoman cries as another rock hits him. The woman holds the placard over her, and some rocks bounce off it. The gremlin dodges a rock by quickly crawling horizontally along the wall.

The hippoman sighs. "If only there existed some sort of device that could prevent rocks from falling on my head all the time," he says.
You give Helmet to Hippoman
The hippoman takes the helmet and manages to squeeze it down on his big head. "Don't think this means I have forgiven you," he says.
You get the grail
As you are about to take it, the hippoman approaches you angrily. He lifts his hand as if to hit you, but suddenly stops and yelps. He looks startled for a moment. Then he tries to tear off the helmet, but it is stuck. You pick up the grail. Suddenly you feel a terrible pain in your hand, and you drop the grail. You hear somebody hissing, and look around. It is the gremlin. He is stabbing his cigarette into his own hand. He is clearly in pain. He removes the cigarette from his hand, and the pain in your hand disappears. He puts the cigarette back in his mouth and laughs at you.
You remove Ring
The ring is stuck on your finger.
Go south
This cave has exits to the north, east, south and west.
A stone pedestal as tall as you stands in a corner. A knife is planted in it, hilt up.

A diamond the size of your chest lies in the middle of the cave. A tremendous light shines out from it and fills the entire cave.

The goblin comes running after you.
You go to the west
An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the east. It is terribly hot here. The intolerable temperature is almost certainly caused by the red-hot stone oven standing in a corner.
A stone table stands in the middle of the cave. Round it stands a stone throne with an old troll, a stone chair with a tall troll, a stone stool with a short troll, and a large stone. The trolls look a bit like humans made of stone, though with no necks, bigger jaws, smaller eyes and huge arms and hands. They are playing some kind of card game.
A golem, a man crudely made from stone, is standing here unmoving. Some runes have been chiseled into his chest.

You can see a stone saxophone here.

The goblin comes running after you.
You touch oven
Never mind the stone oven.
You go to the east
An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the west. There is another exit to the northeast. Someone has chiseled gaps into the cave wall, forming a primitive ladder leading up to a hole in the ceiling.
A table made from human skulls stands near the northeast exit. On the table stands a shimmering pink translucent cube and a small, rusty, holy grail.
A small round stage stands close to the table. It is apparently made from human faces frozen in terrible screams.
A small flamingo-headed man sits behind the table in a comfortable-looking armchair covered in obviously fake giraffe fur. He is wearing a jester's suit, including a ridiculous hat with bells on. He is staring at the pink cube.
An armadillo-headed woman in a white toga sits next to him on a barstool made from green shimmering flames. She is reading a thick brown book called "Practical Tests of Existentialism".
A cat-headed man sits next to her on a throne draped in black leather, with numerous spikes sticking out of it. He is tall, fat and dressed in a black leather jacket, black jeans and black leather boots.

The goblin comes running after you.
You talk to flamingo man
"What is the weird stage for?" you ask.
"It's mine. It's my altar. Where my followers stand when they worship me."
You talk to the cat man
"Who are you people?" you ask.
The man answers in a deep voice, "The idiot in the jester suit is Pjyldoflopp, god of comedy. The chick with the book is Morgeldindo, goddess of wisdom. Me, I'm Snurgelfjekk, god of bullies. And you better worship me, or else!"
You talk to the woman
(the armadillo-headed woman)
"Is it a good book?" you ask.
The woman says, sounding bored: "A total waste of paper. I hope for the writer's sake that he's got brain rot, there's no other excuse for producing such drivel."
You take the cube
Your hand goes right through the cube as if the cube is made of air.

There is a flickering image inside the cube. The flamingo-headed man giggles and says, "Some guy in Switzerland just fell into a barrel of fish."
You take the grail
You try to take the grail, but the flamingo-headed man notices it. He sticks his hands inside his chest and pulls out a huge fish, holding it around its tail. The fish is much larger than the man's chest, and almost larger than the man. The man slaps you in the face with the fish. Then, giggling, he puts it back in his chest. "It's my grail," he says.
You read the book
You try to read over the shoulder of the woman. There is a very complex sentence apparently describing a test you take to see if you are real or not. You don't understand it, but feel mildly disturbed.

There is a flickering image inside the cube. The flamingo-headed man giggles and says, "Some woman in Singapore just sat on a cactus."
Go northeast
As you are about to go, the cat-headed man sticks out a leg and trips you. You fall on your face. The cat-headed man laughs.
You go upwards
This cave has a hole in the floor. On the south wall is a small round metal hatch. It is closed.
In the middle of the room stands a stone pedestal, on which is attached A HUGE IMPORTANT WARNING SIGN! On top of the pedestal stands a metal chest. It is closed.

The goblin comes climbing up from the hole.
You read the sign
"Do not open the chest. If you do, an alarm will sound, and a guard will shoot you from the hatch with a crossbow."
Open chest
You open the chest. There comes a terrible ringing sound. An alarm! There are five gold coins in the chest. You quickly grab them before running towards the ladder. You hear something behind you. With one foot on the ladder you turn your head. It's the hatch; it has opened, revealing a female goblin peeking through. She is holding the Royal crossbow. "If you were going to hide my stuff, you should at least have had the brains to close the garbage can," she says, before shooting you through the eye. You fall down the hole. You are dead before you hit the ground.
Go downward
An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the west. There is another exit to the northeast. Someone has chiseled gaps into the cave wall, forming a primitive ladder leading up to a hole in the ceiling.
A table made from human skulls stands near the northeast exit. On the table stands a shimmering pink translucent cube and a small, rusty, holy grail.
A small round stage stands close to the table. It is apparently made from human faces frozen in terrible screams.
A small flamingo-headed man sits behind the table in a comfortable-looking armchair covered in obviously fake giraffe fur. He is wearing a jester's suit, including a ridiculous hat with bells on. He is staring at the pink cube.
An armadillo-headed woman in a white toga sits next to him on a barstool made from green shimmering flames. She is reading a thick brown book called "Practical Tests of Existentialism".
A cat-headed man sits next to her on a throne draped in black leather, with numerous spikes sticking out of it. He is tall, fat and dressed in a black leather jacket, black jeans and black leather boots.

The goblin comes climbing down the ladder.

There is a flickering image inside the cube. The flamingo-headed man giggles and says, "Some guy in Syria just got attacked by a woodpecker."
You go to the north
An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the south.
Some runes are written on the wall.
A genie floats about a meter above the ground. He looks like a man made of ice. He is bald, but has a beard of icicles. He has no legs; his stomach rises from a small cloud of icy steam. He holds an ice sabre.
A hippoman, half man, half hippo, stands knitting something yellow. He is fat, purple and has two very thick legs. He is wearing your helmet. A young angry-looking woman stands holding a large placard saying "Save the monsters!" She is clearly one of those monster rights activists that have been making your job so much harder lately.
The gremlin has climbed quite high up on the wall. He is a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears. He is wearing a tiny ring and is smoking a tiny cigarette.
A large metal chest stands up against a wall. It is closed.
A large machine is at the back of the cave. Its mechanisms looks very complex. Actually it is very easy to use. You know this because on a previous product-testing mission you came across a machine just like it and spend four hours trying to figure out how it worked. The machine is for sharpening tools and weapons. Just put what you want sharpened into it and wait.

You can see a big tacky holy grail here.

The goblin comes running after you.
You go south
An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the north. There is also an exit to the south.
A red automat, hundred of meters tall, stands in the middle of the cave. Despite the insane magnitude of the machine, its money-slot and buttons are normal-sized and placed at normal height. The merchandise-slot is also close to the floor, but huge enough to hold a horse. You have come across these automats before. Several companies have recently begun placing them in dangerous places, for adventurers who need equipment. They are easy to use; just buy something. Something is written on the automat next to the buttons.
A stone altar stands up against a wall. It is low, shadowy, bloodstained and has runes written on it. Next to it is a huge pile of fish bones.

On the altar you can see:
A sluggish fish. Its eyes are white and have no pupils. It is crawling around.

The goblin comes running after you.
Go south
This cave has an exit leading outside to the south, or you can go further into the mountain to the north.
A burly barbarian is leaning against a wall, his arms crossed over his naked chest, a grim expression on his face. A long sabre is in his belt.
A tough-looking dwarf, wearing chain mail and a helmet, is sitting on the floor. He is holding an axe almost as big as himself. He is smoking a pipe.
A muscular white horse and a mangy donkey stand here.

The goblin comes running after you.
You go to the north-east
This cave has an exit leading outside to the southwest. In the middle of the ceiling, high above you, is a round hole. On the floor, directly under the hole, is a pile of hay.
A short lever with a handle sticks out from a wall. The handle has a thin, wide gap, large enough for the fingers of one hand to go through. A metallic pyramid, about half a meter high, sticks up from the cave floor. You once tested a hundred different teleporters, and you recognize the pyramid as one of the safest and least complicated models. To use it you just stand on it and shake the lever repeatedly. This particular teleporter seems badly designed though: the lever is far away from it, almost on the other side of the cave.

You can hear a low humming coming from the teleporter.

Up from the lever sticks the new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger. It is shaking like crazy, but not enough to shake the lever.

You can see a cage here.

The goblin comes running after you.

The sword goes even crazier and starts thrashing like a headless chicken on drugs.

The sword makes the lever shake. The sound from the teleporter gets louder.
You stand on the teleporter
You get on the teleporter.

The sword makes the lever shake. The sound gets even louder. A few electrical sparks shoots up from the teleporter. Your feet tickle.
You stand on the teleporter
The goblin gets on the teleporter.

The sword makes the lever shake. The teleporter starts shaking and smoking. The cave begins to fade out around you, and another cave fades in.

This cave has an exit to the east. In the middle of the floor is a round hole.
A huge dead monster lies here, its four feet in the air. It has a stupid-looking face on a round gray hairless body. Its tiny eyes stare at nothing. The upper half of a dead pointy-eared elf is sticking out of its mouth. It looks like the monster choked on the elf. The elf is wearing a backpack.

The goblin begins to fade in next to you. You look down at yourself. You seem unsubstantial, like a ghost. Slowly you begin to take on a more solid form. Now you look normal.
Go northwest
You sneak out. The goblins don't seem to notice.

This cave has an exit to the southeast.
On the north wall is a small round metal hatch. It is closed.
Near the hatch is a table.
In a corner stands a short metal garbage can. It is open.

On the table you can see:
A long heavy-looking iron spear.

The garbage can contains:
A Remmingeim Royal crossbow. The older Royal model is almost identical to the Supreme. Very few but an experienced product tester like yourself could tell the difference. The Royal is quite good. It does not have the returning arrow function, but it is magically protected from theft and vandalism. It has an arrow identical to the one in the Supreme bow.
You close the garbage can
You close the garbage can.
You look around
This cave has an exit to the southeast.
On the north wall is a small round metal hatch. It is closed.
Near the hatch is a table.
In a corner stands a short metal garbage can. It is closed.

On the table you can see:
A long heavy-looking iron spear.
You take spear
The spear is too heavy for that.
You open can
You open the garbage can. It contains:
A Remmingeim Royal crossbow. The older Royal model is almost identical to the Supreme. Very few but an experienced product tester like yourself could tell the difference. The Royal is quite good. It does not have the returning arrow function, but it is magically protected from theft and vandalism. It has an arrow identical to the one in the Supreme bow.
You put the crossbow on the table
You put the Supreme crossbow on the table.
You go southeast
You sneak back.

This cave has exits to the west and northwest.
A goblin woman is standing here. She is wearing a medallion, and carrying a purse. You are not quite sure, but with her long ears, sharp yellow teeth, and big feet you think she is pretty cute by goblin standards. She is staring at your sidekick, looking rather distracted.

You can see the goblin sidekick here.
Go east
An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the west. There is another exit to the northeast. Someone has chiseled gaps into the cave wall, forming a primitive ladder leading up to a hole in the ceiling.
A table made from human skulls stands near the northeast exit. On the table stands a shimmering pink translucent cube and a small, rusty, holy grail.
A small round stage stands close to the table. It is apparently made from human faces frozen in terrible screams.
A small flamingo-headed man sits behind the table in a comfortable-looking armchair covered in obviously fake giraffe fur. He is wearing a jester's suit, including a ridiculous hat with bells on. He is staring at the pink cube.
An armadillo-headed woman in a white toga sits next to him on a barstool made from green shimmering flames. She is reading a thick brown book called "Practical Tests of Existentialism".
A cat-headed man sits next to her on a throne draped in black leather, with numerous spikes sticking out of it. He is tall, fat and dressed in a black leather jacket, black jeans and black leather boots.

The goblin comes running after you.

There is a flickering image inside the cube. The flamingo-headed man giggles and says, "Some guy in Russia just stepped on a beehive."
Open chest
You open the chest. There comes a terrible ringing sound. An alarm! There are five gold coins in the chest. You quickly grab them before running towards the ladder. You hear something behind you. With one foot on the ladder you turn your head. It's the hatch; it has opened, revealing a female goblin peeking through. She is holding your Supreme crossbow. It is aimed right at you. She fires. Almost instantly, before it has even left the crossbow completely, the arrow returns to the bow. "What?" says the goblin lady. She fires again. The arrow returns again. Startled the lady fires again and again. She begins to swear. You laugh and climb down.

An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the west. There is another exit to the northeast. Someone has chiseled gaps into the cave wall, forming a primitive ladder leading up to a hole in the ceiling.
A table made from human skulls stands near the northeast exit. On the table stands a shimmering pink translucent cube and a small, rusty, holy grail.
A small round stage stands close to the table. It is apparently made from human faces frozen in terrible screams.
A small flamingo-headed man sits behind the table in a comfortable-looking armchair covered in obviously fake giraffe fur. He is wearing a jester's suit, including a ridiculous hat with bells on. He is staring at the pink cube.
An armadillo-headed woman in a white toga sits next to him on a barstool made from green shimmering flames. She is reading a slim gray book called "Schrodinger's Goldfish: Confirmation of Negative Time".
A cat-headed man sits next to her on a throne draped in black leather, with numerous spikes sticking out of it. He is tall, fat and dressed in a black leather jacket, black jeans and black leather boots.

The goblin comes climbing down the ladder.

There is a flickering image inside the cube. The flamingo-headed man giggles and says, "Some guy in Scotland just slid on a banana peel."
You talk to the troll
Who do you mean, the old troll, the tall troll or the short troll?
Old
"Can I play?" you ask.
"Ur, have you got any money?"
"Yes."
"Ur, sure, sit down on the rock, and we'll play."
You sit on the rock
Just as you are about to sit down the old troll says, "Ur, have you got any money?"
"Yes."
"Ur, good, then you can play."
You sit down.
"Ur, you want to know the rules of troll poker?" asks the old troll. "Ur, everybody gets one card," says the short troll.
"Ur, there are thirteen cards in the deck," says the tall troll.
"Ur, the ace of rocks is the highest," says the short troll.
"Ur, that is weird. The ace only have one rock," says the old troll. "Ur, maybe it's a trick to fool stupid players," says the tall troll. "Ur, yeah. The stupid players think they can't win when they get the ace," says the old troll.
"Ur, everybody looks at their card," says the short troll.
"Ur, if anybody asks you what card you have, it's a trick," says the tall troll.
"Ur, so don't tell them," says the old troll.
"Ur, then we bet," says the tall troll.
"Ur, if I have bet three, you can't bet two," says the short troll. "Ur, you can't bet one either," says the old troll.
"Ur, we mean you can't bet less than the other one," says the short troll.
"Ur, the one that betted the highest," says the old troll.
"Ur, you can't bet too high either," says the short troll.
"Ur, like if I have only three coins left, then you can't bet higher than three," says the old troll.
"Ur, that's altogether," says the short troll.
"Ur, yeah, you can't bet more than three altogether," says the tall troll.
"Ur, when it's your turn you can stay or raise or fold," says the old troll.
"Ur, if you stay, it means you bet the same as the other one," says the tall troll.
"Ur, the one that betted the highest," says the old troll.
"Ur, if you raise it means you bet more than the other one," says the short troll.
"Ur, the one that betted the highest," says the tall troll.
"Ur, like if you raise two..." says the old troll.
"Ur, then you bet two more than the other one," says the tall troll. "Ur, the one that betted the highest," says the old troll.
"Ur, if you fold you don't bet anything," says the tall troll.
"Ur, but you don't get to win anything either," says the short troll. "Ur, when everybody has betted the same..." says the old troll.
"Ur, or folded," says the tall troll.
"Ur, yeah, or folded," says the old troll.
"Ur, then the round is over," says the short troll.
"Ur, then we show our cards," says the tall troll.
"Ur, the one with the highest card wins," says the the tall troll.
"Ur, he gets all the money the others have betted," says the short troll.
"Ur, if you don't get the rules, just talk to me and we will explain them again," says the old troll.

The old troll picks up the deck of cards and shuffles it. He deals four cards face down on the table. He grabs one card for himself and the two other troll each grab a card. The last card is in front of you.

The old troll says, "Ur, if you want to play, take the card. If you don't want to play get off the rock."
You get the card
You pick up your card, it's the five of rocks.
"Ur, I bet 5," says the old troll.
"Ur, I stay," says the tall troll.
"Ur, I stay," says the short troll.

Your turn.
The lowest possible bet (in total) is now 5.
The highest possible bet (in total) is now 5. (You, the old troll, the tall troll and the short troll only have 5 gold coins.)
The old troll has 5 gold coins.
The tall troll has 5 gold coins.
The short troll has 5 gold coins.
You have 5 gold coins.
There are 15 gold coins in the pot.
So far you have betted 0 gold coins.
Do you want to stay, raise or fold?
You fold
You fold.

The round is over. Now to see who won.
The old troll shows his card. It is the king of rocks.
The tall troll shows his card. It is the ace of rocks.
The short troll shows his card. It is the jack of rocks.
The tall troll wins the round.
The old troll gives 5 gold coins to the tall troll.
The short troll gives 5 gold coins to the tall troll.

The short troll asks the tall troll "Ur, can I borrow three coins?"
The tall troll says, "Ur, alright," and gives three coins to the short troll.

The old troll says to the tall troll "Ur, time to pay your taxes."
The tall troll says, "Ur, alright," and gives three coins to the old troll.

The cards are put back in the deck. The old troll picks up the deck of cards and shuffles it. He deals four cards face down on the table. He grabs one card for himself and the two other troll each grab a card. The last card is in front of you.

The old troll says, "Ur, if you want to play, take the card. If you don't want to play get off the rock."
You take the card
You pick up your card, it's the three of rocks.
"Ur, I bet 1," says the old troll.
"Ur, I raise to 2," says the tall troll.
"Ur, I raise to 3," says the short troll.

Your turn.
The lowest possible bet (in total) is now 3.
The highest possible bet (in total) is now 3. (The old troll and the short troll only have 3 gold coins.)
The old troll has 3 gold coins.
The tall troll has 9 gold coins.
The short troll has 3 gold coins.
You have 5 gold coins.
There are 6 gold coins in the pot.
So far you have betted 0 gold coins.
Do you want to stay, raise or fold?
You fold
You fold.
"Ur, I fold," says the old troll.
"Ur, I stay," says the tall troll.

The round is over. Now to see who won.
The tall troll shows his card. It is the ten of rocks.
The short troll shows his card. It is the ace of rocks.
The short troll wins the round.
The old troll gives 1 gold coin to the short troll.
The tall troll gives 3 gold coins to the short troll.

The cards are put back in the deck. The old troll picks up the deck of cards and shuffles it. He deals four cards face down on the table. He grabs one card for himself and the two other troll each grab a card. The last card is in front of you.

The old troll says, "Ur, if you want to play, take the card. If you don't want to play get off the rock."
You take the card
You pick up your card, it's the ten of rocks.
"Ur, gee, I wonder if I should fold. Yeah, I think I'll do that," says the old troll and laughs.
"Ur, what to do? What to do? Oh, I know, I should fold," says the tall troll and laughs.
"Ur, I fold. I'm just a big sissy I guess," says the short troll and laughs.
You win the round. No money though.

The cards are put back in the deck. The old troll picks up the deck of cards and shuffles it. He deals four cards face down on the table. He grabs one card for himself and the two other troll each grab a card. The last card is in front of you.

The old troll says, "Ur, if you want to play, take the card. If you don't want to play get off the rock."
Is
A staff (with tentacles)
A bottle (closed)
A healing gun
A nosehairscrew
A manual

You are wearing:
Mirrorshades
A ring
Boxer shorts.
You remove the mirrorshades
You take off the pair of mirrorshades.
You get the card
You pick up your card, it's the queen of rocks.
"Ur, I bet 2," says the old troll.
"Ur, for some strange reason I'm suddenly not feeling very lucky. I fold," says the tall troll and laughs.
"Ur, I stay," says the short troll.

Your turn.
The lowest possible bet (in total) is now 2.
The highest possible bet (in total) is now 2. (The old troll only has 2 gold coins.)
The old troll has 2 gold coins.
The tall troll has 6 gold coins.
The short troll has 7 gold coins.
You have 5 gold coins.
There are 4 gold coins in the pot.
So far you have betted 0 gold coins.
Do you want to stay, raise or fold?
Bet 5
Actually, you can't raise. Somebody has already betted 2, the highest possible bet. You can only stay or fold.
You stay
You stay.

The round is over. Now to see who won.
The old troll shows his card. It is the jack of rocks.
The short troll shows his card. It is the nine of rocks.
You show your card.
You win the round.
The old troll gives 2 gold coins to you.
The short troll gives 2 gold coins to you.

The old troll says to the tall troll "Ur, time to pay your taxes."
The tall troll says, "Ur, alright," and gives a coin to the old troll.

The cards are put back in the deck. The old troll picks up the deck of cards and shuffles it. He deals four cards face down on the table. He grabs one card for himself and the two other troll each grab a card. The last card is in front of you.

The old troll says, "Ur, if you want to play, take the card. If you don't want to play get off the rock."
You take the card
You pick up your card, it's the eight of rocks.
"Ur, I bet 1," says the old troll.
"Ur, I stay," says the tall troll.
"Ur, I fold," says the short troll.

Your turn.
The lowest possible bet (in total) is now 1.
The highest possible bet (in total) is now 1. (The old troll only has 1 gold coin.)
The old troll has 1 gold coin.
The tall troll has 5 gold coins.
The short troll has 5 gold coins.
You have 9 gold coins.
There are 2 gold coins in the pot.
So far you have betted 0 gold coins.
Do you want to stay, raise or fold?
You fold
You fold.

The round is over. Now to see who won.
The old troll shows his card. It is the king of rocks.
The tall troll shows his card. It is the six of rocks.
The old troll wins the round.
The tall troll gives 1 gold coin to the old troll.

The cards are put back in the deck. The old troll picks up the deck of cards and shuffles it. He deals four cards face down on the table. He grabs one card for himself and the two other troll each grab a card. The last card is in front of you.

The old troll says, "Ur, if you want to play, take the card. If you don't want to play get off the rock."
You take card
You pick up your card, it's the seven of rocks.
"Ur, I fold," says the old troll.
"Ur, I bet 1," says the tall troll.
"Ur, I raise to 4," says the short troll.

Your turn.
The lowest possible bet (in total) is now 4.
The highest possible bet (in total) is now 4. (The tall troll only has 4 gold coins.)
The old troll has 2 gold coins.
The tall troll has 4 gold coins.
The short troll has 5 gold coins.
You have 9 gold coins.
There are 5 gold coins in the pot.
So far you have betted 0 gold coins.
Do you want to stay, raise or fold?
You fold
You fold.
"Ur, I fold," says the tall troll.
The short troll wins the round.
The tall troll gives 1 gold coin to the short troll.

The cards are put back in the deck. The old troll picks up the deck of cards and shuffles it. He deals four cards face down on the table. He grabs one card for himself and the two other troll each grab a card. The last card is in front of you.

The old troll says, "Ur, if you want to play, take the card. If you don't want to play get off the rock."
You take card
You pick up your card, it's the eight of rocks.
"Ur, I bet 2," says the old troll.
"Ur, I stay," says the tall troll.
"Ur, I stay," says the short troll.

Your turn.
The lowest possible bet (in total) is now 2.
The highest possible bet (in total) is now 2. (The old troll only has 2 gold coins.)
The old troll has 2 gold coins.
The tall troll has 3 gold coins.
The short troll has 6 gold coins.
You have 9 gold coins.
There are 6 gold coins in the pot.
So far you have betted 0 gold coins.
Do you want to stay, raise or fold?
You fold
You fold.

The round is over. Now to see who won.
The old troll shows his card. It is the ace of rocks.
The tall troll shows his card. It is the ten of rocks.
The short troll shows his card. It is the king of rocks.
The old troll wins the round.
The tall troll gives 2 gold coins to the old troll.
The short troll gives 2 gold coins to the old troll.

The cards are put back in the deck. The old troll picks up the deck of cards and shuffles it. He deals four cards face down on the table. He grabs one card for himself and the two other troll each grab a card. The last card is in front of you.

The old troll says, "Ur, if you want to play, take the card. If you don't want to play get off the rock."
You take the card
You pick up your card, it's the ace of rocks.
"Ur, I bet 1," says the old troll.
"Ur, I stay," says the tall troll.
"Ur, I stay," says the short troll.

Your turn.
The lowest possible bet (in total) is now 1.
The highest possible bet (in total) is now 1. (The tall troll only has 1 gold coin.)
The old troll has 6 gold coins.
The tall troll has 1 gold coin.
The short troll has 4 gold coins.
You have 9 gold coins.
There are 3 gold coins in the pot.
So far you have betted 0 gold coins.
Do you want to stay, raise or fold?
You raise
You have to say how much you would like to raise. For instance "raise 1"
You stay
You stay.

The round is over. Now to see who won.
The old troll shows his card. It is the nine of rocks.
The tall troll shows his card. It is the ten of rocks.
The short troll shows his card. It is the jack of rocks.
You show your card.
You win the round.
The old troll gives 1 gold coin to you.
The tall troll gives 1 gold coin to you.
The short troll gives 1 gold coin to you.

The cards are put back in the deck. The old troll picks up the deck of cards and shuffles it. He deals three cards face down on the table. He grabs one card for himself and the short troll grabs another. The tall troll is not in the game, as he doesn't have any money. The last card is in front of you.

The old troll says, "Ur, if you want to play, take the card. If you don't want to play get off the rock."
You take the card
You pick up your card, it's the eight of rocks.
"Ur, I bet 1," says the old troll.
"Ur, I fold," says the short troll.

Your turn.
The lowest possible bet (in total) is now 1.
The highest possible bet (in total) is now 5. (The old troll only has 5 gold coins.)
The old troll has 5 gold coins.
The tall troll has 0 gold coins.
The short troll has 3 gold coins.
You have 12 gold coins.
There is 1 gold coin in the pot.
So far you have betted 0 gold coins.
Do you want to stay, raise or fold?
You fold
You fold.
The old troll wins the round. No money though.

The cards are put back in the deck. The old troll picks up the deck of cards and shuffles it. He deals three cards face down on the table. He grabs one card for himself and the short troll grabs another. The tall troll is not in the game, as he doesn't have any money. The last card is in front of you.

The old troll says, "Ur, if you want to play, take the card. If you don't want to play get off the rock."
You take the card
You pick up your card, it's the ace of rocks.
"Ur, I bet 1," says the old troll.
"Ur, I raise to 3," says the short troll.

Your turn.
The lowest possible bet (in total) is now 3.
The highest possible bet (in total) is now 3. (The short troll only has 3 gold coins.)
The old troll has 5 gold coins.
The tall troll has 0 gold coins.
The short troll has 3 gold coins.
You have 12 gold coins.
There are 4 gold coins in the pot.
So far you have betted 0 gold coins.
Do you want to stay, raise or fold?
You stay
You stay.
"Ur, I fold," says the old troll.

The round is over. Now to see who won.
The short troll shows his card. It is the jack of rocks.
You show your card.
You win the round.
The old troll gives 1 gold coin to you.
The short troll gives 3 gold coins to you.

The cards are put back in the deck. The old troll picks up the deck of cards and shuffles it. He deals two cards face down on the table. He grabs one card for himself. The other card is in front of you. The short troll and the tall troll are not in the game, as they don't have any money.

The old troll says, "Ur, if you want to play, take the card. If you don't want to play get off the rock."
You take the card
You pick up your card, it's the three of rocks.
"Ur, I bet 4," says the old troll.

Your turn.
The lowest possible bet (in total) is now 4.
The highest possible bet (in total) is now 4. (The old troll only has 4 gold coins.)
The old troll has 4 gold coins.
The tall troll has 0 gold coins.
The short troll has 0 gold coins.
You have 16 gold coins.
There are 4 gold coins in the pot.
So far you have betted 0 gold coins.
Do you want to stay, raise or fold?
You fold
You fold.
The old troll wins the round. No money though.

The cards are put back in the deck. The old troll picks up the deck of cards and shuffles it. He deals two cards face down on the table. He grabs one card for himself. The other card is in front of you. The short troll and the tall troll are not in the game, as they don't have any money.

The old troll says, "Ur, if you want to play, take the card. If you don't want to play get off the rock."
You take the card
You pick up your card, it's the five of rocks.
"Ur, I fold," says the old troll.
You win the round. No money though.

The cards are put back in the deck. The old troll picks up the deck of cards and shuffles it. He deals two cards face down on the table. He grabs one card for himself. The other card is in front of you. The short troll and the tall troll are not in the game, as they don't have any money.

The old troll says, "Ur, if you want to play, take the card. If you don't want to play get off the rock."
You take the card
You pick up your card, it's the two of rocks.
"Ur, I fold," says the old troll.
You win the round. No money though.

The cards are put back in the deck. The old troll picks up the deck of cards and shuffles it. He deals two cards face down on the table. He grabs one card for himself. The other card is in front of you. The short troll and the tall troll are not in the game, as they don't have any money.

The old troll says, "Ur, if you want to play, take the card. If you don't want to play get off the rock."
You take the card
You pick up your card, it's the seven of rocks.
"Ur, I bet 4," says the old troll.

Your turn.
The lowest possible bet (in total) is now 4.
The highest possible bet (in total) is now 4. (The old troll only has 4 gold coins.)
The old troll has 4 gold coins.
The tall troll has 0 gold coins.
The short troll has 0 gold coins.
You have 16 gold coins.
There are 4 gold coins in the pot.
So far you have betted 0 gold coins.
Do you want to stay, raise or fold?
You take the card
You pick up your card, it's the three of rocks.
"Ur, I fold," says the old troll.
You win the round. No money though.

The cards are put back in the deck. The old troll picks up the deck of cards and shuffles it. He deals two cards face down on the table. He grabs one card for himself. The other card is in front of you. The short troll and the tall troll are not in the game, as they don't have any money.

The old troll says, "Ur, if you want to play, take the card. If you don't want to play get off the rock."
You take the card
You pick up your card, it's the king of rocks.
"Ur, I fold," says the old troll.
You win the round. No money though.

The cards are put back in the deck. The old troll picks up the deck of cards and shuffles it. He deals two cards face down on the table. He grabs one card for himself. The other card is in front of you. The short troll and the tall troll are not in the game, as they don't have any money.

The old troll says, "Ur, if you want to play, take the card. If you don't want to play get off the rock."
You take card
You pick up your card, it's the nine of rocks.
"Ur, I bet 2," says the old troll.

Your turn.
The lowest possible bet (in total) is now 2.
The highest possible bet (in total) is now 4. (The old troll only has 4 gold coins.)
The old troll has 4 gold coins.
The tall troll has 0 gold coins.
The short troll has 0 gold coins.
You have 16 gold coins.
There are 2 gold coins in the pot.
So far you have betted 0 gold coins.
Do you want to stay, raise or fold?
You take the card
You pick up your card, it's the ten of rocks.
"Ur, I bet 4," says the old troll.

Your turn.
The lowest possible bet (in total) is now 4.
The highest possible bet (in total) is now 4. (The old troll only has 4 gold coins.)
The old troll has 4 gold coins.
The tall troll has 0 gold coins.
The short troll has 0 gold coins.
You have 16 gold coins.
There are 4 gold coins in the pot.
So far you have betted 0 gold coins.
Do you want to stay, raise or fold?
You take the card
You pick up your card, it's the ten of rocks.
"Ur, I bet 3," says the old troll.

Your turn.
The lowest possible bet (in total) is now 3.
The highest possible bet (in total) is now 4. (The old troll only has 4 gold coins.)
The old troll has 4 gold coins.
The tall troll has 0 gold coins.
The short troll has 0 gold coins.
You have 16 gold coins.
There are 3 gold coins in the pot.
So far you have betted 0 gold coins.
Do you want to stay, raise or fold?
You take the card
You pick up your card, it's the nine of rocks.
"Ur, I fold," says the old troll.
You win the round. No money though.

The cards are put back in the deck. The old troll picks up the deck of cards and shuffles it. He deals two cards face down on the table. He grabs one card for himself. The other card is in front of you. The short troll and the tall troll are not in the game, as they don't have any money.

The old troll says, "Ur, if you want to play, take the card. If you don't want to play get off the rock."
You take the card
You pick up your card, it's the two of rocks.
"Ur, I bet 2," says the old troll.

Your turn.
The lowest possible bet (in total) is now 2.
The highest possible bet (in total) is now 4. (The old troll only has 4 gold coins.)
The old troll has 4 gold coins.
The tall troll has 0 gold coins.
The short troll has 0 gold coins.
You have 16 gold coins.
There are 2 gold coins in the pot.
So far you have betted 0 gold coins.
Do you want to stay, raise or fold?
You take the card
You pick up your card, it's the four of rocks.
"Ur, I bet 4," says the old troll.

Your turn.
The lowest possible bet (in total) is now 4.
The highest possible bet (in total) is now 4. (The old troll only has 4 gold coins.)
The old troll has 4 gold coins.
The tall troll has 0 gold coins.
The short troll has 0 gold coins.
You have 16 gold coins.
There are 4 gold coins in the pot.
So far you have betted 0 gold coins.
Do you want to stay, raise or fold?
You take the card
You pick up your card, it's the four of rocks.
"Ur, I bet 1," says the old troll.

Your turn.
The lowest possible bet (in total) is now 1.
The highest possible bet (in total) is now 4. (The old troll only has 4 gold coins.)
The old troll has 4 gold coins.
The tall troll has 0 gold coins.
The short troll has 0 gold coins.
You have 16 gold coins.
There is 1 gold coin in the pot.
So far you have betted 0 gold coins.
Do you want to stay, raise or fold?
You take card
You pick up your card, it's the king of rocks.
"Ur, I bet 1," says the old troll.

Your turn.
The lowest possible bet (in total) is now 1.
The highest possible bet (in total) is now 4. (The old troll only has 4 gold coins.)
The old troll has 4 gold coins.
The tall troll has 0 gold coins.
The short troll has 0 gold coins.
You have 16 gold coins.
There is 1 gold coin in the pot.
So far you have betted 0 gold coins.
Do you want to stay, raise or fold?
Raise 4
You can't raise that much. The highest possible bet (in total) is 4. That means you can only raise 3.
Raise 3
You raise to 4.
"Ur, I fold," says the old troll.
You win the round.
The old troll gives 1 gold coin to you.

The cards are put back in the deck. The old troll picks up the deck of cards and shuffles it. He deals two cards face down on the table. He grabs one card for himself. The other card is in front of you. The short troll and the tall troll are not in the game, as they don't have any money.

The old troll says, "Ur, if you want to play, take the card. If you don't want to play get off the rock."
You take the card
You pick up your card, it's the six of rocks.
"Ur, I bet 1," says the old troll.

Your turn.
The lowest possible bet (in total) is now 1.
The highest possible bet (in total) is now 3. (The old troll only has 3 gold coins.)
The old troll has 3 gold coins.
The tall troll has 0 gold coins.
The short troll has 0 gold coins.
You have 17 gold coins.
There is 1 gold coin in the pot.
So far you have betted 0 gold coins.
Do you want to stay, raise or fold?
You take the card
You pick up your card, it's the ace of rocks.
"Ur, I bet 3," says the old troll.

Your turn.
The lowest possible bet (in total) is now 3.
The highest possible bet (in total) is now 3. (The old troll only has 3 gold coins.)
The old troll has 3 gold coins.
The tall troll has 0 gold coins.
The short troll has 0 gold coins.
You have 17 gold coins.
There are 3 gold coins in the pot.
So far you have betted 0 gold coins.
Do you want to stay, raise or fold?
You stay
You stay.

The round is over. Now to see who won.
The old troll shows his card. It is the jack of rocks.
You show your card.
You win the round.
The old troll gives 3 gold coins to you.

"Ur," says the old troll. "we're all broke. We can't play with you any more."
"Ok," you say. You put the card back and get up.
Is
A staff (with tentacles)
A bottle (closed)
A healing gun
A nosehairscrew
Mirrorshades
A manual

You are wearing:
A ring
Boxer shorts.
You open the bottle
You try to open the bottle, but can't. It has some kind of childproof lid.
Go east
You try, but the bright light is too strong. It hurts your eyes.
You wear the shades
You put on the pair of mirrorshades.
You go east
This cave has exits to the north, east, south and west.
A stone pedestal as tall as you stands in a corner. A knife is planted in it, hilt up.

A diamond the size of your chest lies in the middle of the cave. A tremendous light shines out from it and fills the entire cave.

The goblin comes running after you.
Go south
You are not testing The Pebble That Protects You From Falling Down From Really High Places this month. It was just a scam anyway.
You go northwest
This cave has an exit southeast to the outside, or you could go further into the mountain to the northwest.
A somewhat larger than life-size statue of his holiness One-Hand Jack stands in the middle of the cave. Jack used to be an infamous pirate, but later formed Hoverism, a peaceful religion. The statue holds its left arm out and up, the hook at the end of it just low enough to be reached.
An old Hoverist is hovering about a meter above the floor. He is sitting in the lotus position, his head is turned towards the statue, and his eyes are closed. He is wearing a white loincloth.

Though you cannot see it, you know that a Hustlespleen & Poe Coat of Invisibility hangs on the hook. It is supposed to turn visible (or turn invisible again) whenever you say the magic word "tango".

The goblin comes running after you.
You touch the goblin with the staff
(the goblin sidekick with the staff)
The goblin sidekick vanishes.

There is a most horrible sound like two carriages filled with drum sets crashing at full speed, whilst a million cows pull a million feet up from a swamp. There is a terrible feeling of being thrown. And there is pain. Lots and lots of pain. You lie still, waiting for the pain to subside. It doesn't.

Wearily you open your eyes. Turquoise. That's all you can see. It takes a moment before you realize that something covers your eyes. Slowly you lift your arm (pain, pain, pain) and wipe your face (pain, pain, pain). It is turquoise sludge that covers your face. And your arm. And, you notice, the rest of your body. You are lying in a pool of the stuff. Looking around a bit you notice you have been thrown into another cave. You open your mouth and spit out some sludge. It is very silent. In fact you cannot hear a sound. Wait a moment. You twist your head to the side (pain, pain, pain) and sludge pours out of your ear. You can hear a dripping sound coming from the southeast.

"Note to self," you think. "Do not transport a very large monster into a very small space, when simultaneously occupying that space."

You start trying to get up (PAIN, PAIN, PAIN). You stop trying to get up. You have noticed a piece of metal sticking out of your shoulder. You carefully pull it out. After a moment it dawns on you; this is a piece of the safe. Looking closer at your body you see quite a lot of other pieces of the safe sticking out from it. Enough to build a new small safe from, you estimate. Carefully you begin to pick out the pieces, one by one, and throw them away.

You get up. You clean off the worst of the sludge. You start longing for a long hot bath. And a chiropractor appointment. You look around.

The only exit from this cave is to the southeast.
Some runes are written on the wall.
Several fragments from the safe are lying here. Quite a bit of turquoise sludge is on the floor; most of it around the southeast exit.

A pair of mirrorshades lies here. You would have been able to see yourself in them, except they are covered in turquoise sludge.
You get the shades
You pick up mirrorshades and wipe the sludge off them.
Go southeast
This cave has exits to the northwest and southeast.
A shoal of small fish crawls around on the floor. They look creepy. Their skins are white and look almost transparent. Their eyes are also white and don't have pupils.
Big and small pieces of the safe are spread all around this room. The safe door has embedded itself halfway into the cave wall. There are quite a lot of pieces of porcelain spread around too. Lots and lots of dead fish lie around, many with bits of the safe sticking out of them. There is some disgusting turquoise sludge covering almost everything in the room, including the ceiling. Now and then globs of it fall to the floor.

A bottle of the dreaded Dante Tomato Sauce, Triple-Extra Spicy stands here. Something is written on it. It is covered in turquoise sludge. It is closed.

"The Ultimate Creature Manual" by Arthur Hippoman is here. According to the back it contains information about every single monster in the world, and how to defend yourself against them. It is suspiciously thin.

Some sludge drip from the ceiling.
You get the porcelain
You pick up the largest piece of porcelain you can see. After studying it for a while you realize it belonged to a Ming vase. Judging by the amount of porcelain there must have been quite a lot of Ming vases in the safe. They would have been priceless. Disgruntled you throw the piece away.

Lots of sludge drip from the ceiling.
You get all
bottle: You pick up the bottle and clean off some sludge.
Creature Manual: You pick up the book, and remove the bits of the safe that are stuck in the cover. Then you open the book and shake it. Sludge, and a very flat fish, drips out.
dead fishes: Never mind the dead fishes.
porcelain: You pick up the largest piece of porcelain you can see. After studying it for a while you realize it belonged to a Ming vase. Judging by the amount of porcelain there must have been quite a lot of Ming vases in the safe. They would have been priceless. Disgruntled you throw the piece away.
safe door: Never mind the safe door.
safe pieces: Never mind the safe pieces.
sludge: Never mind the sludge.
shoal of fish: You manage to catch a fat fish.

Lots of sludge drip from the ceiling.
Look around
This cave has exits to the northwest and southeast.
A shoal of small fish crawls around on the floor. They look creepy. Their skins are white and look almost transparent. Their eyes are also white and don't have pupils.
Big and small pieces of the safe are spread all around this room. The safe door has embedded itself halfway into the cave wall. There are quite a lot of pieces of porcelain spread around too. Lots and lots of dead fish lie around, many with bits of the safe sticking out of them. There is some disgusting turquoise sludge covering almost everything in the room, including the ceiling. Now and then globs of it fall to the floor.
You go to the southeast
This cave has an exit southeast to the outside, or you could go further into the mountain to the northwest.
A somewhat larger than life-size statue of his holiness One-Hand Jack stands in the middle of the cave. Jack used to be an infamous pirate, but later formed Hoverism, a peaceful religion. The statue holds its left arm out and up, the hook at the end of it just low enough to be reached. The statue's head is gone.
The Hoverist is hovering about a meter above the floor, cursing and trying to clean himself from the turquoise sludge that covers his body. Several fragments from the safe are lying here. Quite a lot of turquoise sludge is on the floor; most of it round the northwest exit.

Though you cannot see it, you know that a Hustlespleen & Poe Coat of Invisibility hangs on the hook. It is supposed to turn visible (or turn invisible again) whenever you say the magic word "tango".

A mail-ordered short metal staff with a clear orb on the end lies here. It has lots of turquoise sludge on it. Its manufacturers say the staff will remove any creature that comes in contact with the orb. Inside the orb you can see the goblin sidekick. He is now tiny and unmoving.

"What happened here?" you say.
"There was a large noise," says the Hoverist. "Then things came from the northeast. Your staff almost killed me, but I hovered out of the way, and it destroyed the head of my statue. My cave was filled with sludge."
"Sorry about that."
"When you reach the thirty-third stage of Hoverism you will realize there is no need for large indoor explosions."
You get all
staff: You pick up the staff and clean off the sludge, making sure you do not touch the orb.
safe pieces: Never mind the safe pieces.
sludge: Never mind the sludge.
statue: The statue is too heavy for that.
Hoverist: You start toward the Hoverist, but he hovers up, out of your reach.
You talk to Hoverist
"Could you teach me some more?" you ask.
The Hoverist says, "Nobody can teach you what the third stage is, you must figure it out for yourself. That will take at least a few decades of constant hovering. When you have understood it, come talk to me again, and I will teach you the fourth stage: X-ray vision."
You climb the statue
That's a bit awkward with the coat hanging from the hook. Try hanging from the coat.
You hang from Coat
You grab hold of the coat. You hang there dangling.
You climb
What do you want to climb?
You go to the north-west
This cave has exits to the northwest and southeast.
A shoal of small fish crawls around on the floor. They look creepy. Their skins are white and look almost transparent. Their eyes are also white and don't have pupils.
Big and small pieces of the safe are spread all around this room. The safe door has embedded itself halfway into the cave wall. There are quite a lot of pieces of porcelain spread around too. Lots and lots of dead fish lie around, many with bits of the safe sticking out of them. There is some disgusting turquoise sludge covering almost everything in the room, including the ceiling. Now and then globs of it fall to the floor.

Lots of sludge drip from the ceiling.
You hit goblin with the staff
There is not much you can do to stuff that is inside the orb.

Some sludge drip from the ceiling.
You go to the southeast
This cave has an exit southeast to the outside, or you could go further into the mountain to the northwest.
A somewhat larger than life-size statue of his holiness One-Hand Jack stands in the middle of the cave. Jack used to be an infamous pirate, but later formed Hoverism, a peaceful religion. The statue holds its left arm out and up, the hook at the end of it just low enough to be reached. The statue's head is gone.
The Hoverist is hovering about a meter above the floor, cursing and trying to clean himself from the turquoise sludge that covers his body. Several fragments from the safe are lying here. Quite a lot of turquoise sludge is on the floor; most of it round the northwest exit.

Though you cannot see it, you know that a Hustlespleen & Poe Coat of Invisibility hangs on the hook. It is supposed to turn visible (or turn invisible again) whenever you say the magic word "tango".
You go southeast
The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.
You go to the north
This cave has an exit leading outside to the south, or you can go further into the mountain to the north.
A burly barbarian is leaning against a wall, his arms crossed over his naked chest, a grim expression on his face. A long sabre is in his belt.
A tough-looking dwarf, wearing chain mail and a helmet, is sitting on the floor. He is holding an axe almost as big as himself. He is smoking a pipe.
A muscular white horse and a mangy donkey stand here.
Go north
An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the north. There is also an exit to the south.
A red automat, hundred of meters tall, stands in the middle of the cave. Despite the insane magnitude of the machine, its money-slot and buttons are normal-sized and placed at normal height. The merchandise-slot is also close to the floor, but huge enough to hold a horse. You have come across these automats before. Several companies have recently begun placing them in dangerous places, for adventurers who need equipment. They are easy to use; just buy something. Something is written on the automat next to the buttons.
A stone altar stands up against a wall. It is low, shadowy, bloodstained and has runes written on it. Next to it is a huge pile of fish bones.

On the altar you can see:
A sluggish fish. Its eyes are white and have no pupils. It is crawling around.
You read the automat
Adventurer's Emporium's Convenient Equipment Automat: for everything an adventurer needs.
30 gold coins     Wheelbarrow
35 gold coins     Umbrella
35 gold coins     Roller skates
35 gold coins     Pogo stick
35 gold coins     Giant rubber band
40 gold coins     Spell of summoning: Aardvark
40 gold coins     Spell of metamorphosis: Chicken
40 gold coins     Lie detector pants
40 gold coins     Magical bag of unlimited water balloons
50 gold coins     Spell of summoning: Lawyer
50 gold coins     Spell of metamorphosis: Giant Sloth
50 gold coins     King-size box of assorted fireworks
50 gold coins     Horse
100 gold coins     Platoon of miniature zombies
500 gold coins     Necronomicon
Go north
You try, but the bright light is too strong. It hurts your eyes.
You wear the shades
You put on the pair of mirrorshades.
Go north
This cave has exits to the north, east, south and west.
A stone pedestal as tall as you stands in a corner. A knife is planted in it, hilt up.

A diamond the size of your chest lies in the middle of the cave. A tremendous light shines out from it and fills the entire cave.
Go east
An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the west. There is another exit to the northeast. Someone has chiseled gaps into the cave wall, forming a primitive ladder leading up to a hole in the ceiling.
A table made from human skulls stands near the northeast exit. On the table stands a shimmering pink translucent cube and a small, rusty, holy grail.
A small round stage stands close to the table. It is apparently made from human faces frozen in terrible screams.
A small flamingo-headed man sits behind the table in a comfortable-looking armchair covered in obviously fake giraffe fur. He is wearing a jester's suit, including a ridiculous hat with bells on. He is staring at the pink cube.
An armadillo-headed woman in a white toga sits next to him on a barstool made from green shimmering flames. She is reading a slim gray book called "Schrodinger's Goldfish: Confirmation of Negative Time".
A cat-headed man sits next to her on a throne draped in black leather, with numerous spikes sticking out of it. He is tall, fat and dressed in a black leather jacket, black jeans and black leather boots.
You give the fish to cat
(the cat-headed man)
"Don't you know the proper way of sacrificing something to a god?"
Go west
An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the east. It is terribly hot here. The intolerable temperature is almost certainly caused by the red-hot stone oven standing in a corner.
A stone table stands in the middle of the cave. Round it stands a stone throne with an old troll, a stone chair with a tall troll, a stone stool with a short troll, and a large stone. The trolls look a bit like humans made of stone, though with no necks, bigger jaws, smaller eyes and huge arms and hands. They are playing some kind of card game.
A golem, a man crudely made from stone, is standing here unmoving. Some runes have been chiseled into his chest.

You can see a stone saxophone here.
Is
A staff (with the goblin sidekick)
A fat fish
A bottle (closed)
A healing gun
A nosehairscrew
A manual

You are wearing:
Mirrorshades
A ring
Boxer shorts.
You put the fish in the oven
Never mind the stone oven.
You shoot the healing gun at the golem
(the golem)
You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the golem. Suddenly it seems a little less run-down.
You shoot the healing gun at the old troll
You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the old troll. "Ur," he says. He touches himself under the left armpit. "The stalactite that grew on me! It is gone!"
You shoot the healing gun at the tall troll
You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the tall troll. "Ur," he says. He touches the top of his head. "The volcano growing on my head! It is gone!"
You shoot the healing gun at the short troll
You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the short troll. "Ur," he says. He lifts his foot and studies it. "The crystals forming between my toes! They are gone!"
You shoot the healing gun at short troll
You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the short troll. "Ur," he says.
You shoot the healing gun at the fish
You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the fish. It wiggles happily.
You look around
An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the east. It is terribly hot here. The intolerable temperature is almost certainly caused by the red-hot stone oven standing in a corner.
A stone table stands in the middle of the cave. Round it stands a stone throne with an old troll, a stone chair with a tall troll, a stone stool with a short troll, and a large stone. The trolls look a bit like humans made of stone, though with no necks, bigger jaws, smaller eyes and huge arms and hands. They are playing some kind of card game.
A golem, a man crudely made from stone, is standing here unmoving. Some runes have been chiseled into his chest.

You can see a stone saxophone here.
Go east
This cave has exits to the north, east, south and west.
A stone pedestal as tall as you stands in a corner. A knife is planted in it, hilt up.

A diamond the size of your chest lies in the middle of the cave. A tremendous light shines out from it and fills the entire cave.
Go east
An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the west. There is another exit to the northeast. Someone has chiseled gaps into the cave wall, forming a primitive ladder leading up to a hole in the ceiling.
A table made from human skulls stands near the northeast exit. On the table stands a shimmering pink translucent cube and a small, rusty, holy grail.
A small round stage stands close to the table. It is apparently made from human faces frozen in terrible screams.
A small flamingo-headed man sits behind the table in a comfortable-looking armchair covered in obviously fake giraffe fur. He is wearing a jester's suit, including a ridiculous hat with bells on. He is staring at the pink cube.
An armadillo-headed woman in a white toga sits next to him on a barstool made from green shimmering flames. She is reading a slim gray book called "Schrodinger's Goldfish: Confirmation of Negative Time".
A cat-headed man sits next to her on a throne draped in black leather, with numerous spikes sticking out of it. He is tall, fat and dressed in a black leather jacket, black jeans and black leather boots.
You hit the flamingo with the staff
(the flamingo-headed man with the staff)
You hit the flamingo-headed man with the staff. He giggles and says, "Magic doesn't work on gods."
You shoot the healing gun at the flamingo
(the flamingo-headed man)
You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the flamingo-headed man. Noting happens. He giggles and says, "Magic doesn't work on gods."
You shoot the healing gun at the donkey
You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the donkey. It looks surprised. The barbarian says: "Look, the wound on the side of the donkey, the one it got from that giant slug, it is gone."
You sell the healing gun to the barbarian
(the barbarian)
"That's not a proper treasure!"
You shoot the barbarian with the healing gun
(the barbarian with the healing gun)
You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the barbarian. "Huh?" he says. He looks down at himself. "Grirgr's scars! They are gone! Darnit, they made Grirgr look really cool!"
You go northeast
This cave has an exit leading outside to the southwest. In the middle of the ceiling, high above you, is a round hole. On the floor, directly under the hole, is a pile of hay.
A short lever with a handle sticks out from a wall. The handle has a thin, wide gap, large enough for the fingers of one hand to go through. A metallic pyramid, about half a meter high, sticks up from the cave floor. You once tested a hundred different teleporters, and you recognize the pyramid as one of the safest and least complicated models. To use it you just stand on it and shake the lever repeatedly. This particular teleporter seems badly designed though: the lever is far away from it, almost on the other side of the cave.

You can hear a low humming coming from the teleporter.

Up from the lever sticks the new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger. It is shaking like crazy, but not enough to shake the lever.

You can see a cage here.

The sword goes even crazier and starts thrashing like a headless chicken on drugs.

The sword makes the lever shake. The sound from the teleporter gets louder.
You get on the teleporter
You get on the teleporter.

The sword makes the lever shake. The sound gets even louder. A few electrical sparks shoots up from the teleporter. Your feet tickle.
Wait
Time passes.

The sword makes the lever shake. The teleporter starts shaking and smoking. The cave begins to fade out around you, and another cave fades in.

This cave has an exit to the east. In the middle of the floor is a round hole.
A huge dead monster lies here, its four feet in the air. It has a stupid-looking face on a round gray hairless body. Its tiny eyes stare at nothing. The upper half of a dead pointy-eared elf is sticking out of its mouth. It looks like the monster choked on the elf. The elf is wearing a backpack.

You look down at yourself. You seem unsubstantial, like a ghost. Slowly you begin to take on a more solid form. Now you look normal.
You hit the monster with the staff
Nothing happens. Guess it only works with the living.
You read 80
It is a Gloov. The Gloov has no brain, and steals all its thoughts from other creatures. If a mosquito thinks about sucking your blood, the Gloov might also try to suck your blood, which would be bad, considering it is bigger than a horse. If it is near a bird that thinks about flying, the Gloov might end up crushing someone, as it has no wings. To get rid of it, think very hard about running away or bashing your head against a rock.
You take the backpack
Some of the monster's teeth stick through the lower half of the backpack, and thus the backpack is stuck.
You open the backpack
That's already open.
Go downwards
You jump down the hole. You land in a pile of hay. You get up.

This cave has an exit leading outside to the southwest. In the middle of the ceiling, high above you, is a round hole. On the floor, directly under the hole, is a pile of hay.
A short lever with a handle sticks out from a wall. The handle has a thin, wide gap, large enough for the fingers of one hand to go through. A metallic pyramid, about half a meter high, sticks up from the cave floor. You once tested a hundred different teleporters, and you recognize the pyramid as one of the safest and least complicated models. To use it you just stand on it and shake the lever repeatedly. This particular teleporter seems badly designed though: the lever is far away from it, almost on the other side of the cave.

Up from the lever sticks the new magical sword from Adventurer's Emporium. According to the commercial it will start to vibrate when you are close to danger. It is shaking like crazy, but not enough to shake the lever.

You can see a cage here.

The sword goes even crazier and starts thrashing like a headless chicken on drugs.

The sword makes the lever shake. There comes a low humming sound from the teleporter.
You go southwest
The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.
You go to the north
An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the south.
Some runes are written on the wall.
A genie floats about a meter above the ground. He looks like a man made of ice. He is bald, but has a beard of icicles. He has no legs; his stomach rises from a small cloud of icy steam. He holds an ice sabre.
A hippoman, half man, half hippo, stands knitting something yellow. He is fat, purple and has two very thick legs. He is wearing your helmet. A young angry-looking woman stands holding a large placard saying "Save the monsters!" She is clearly one of those monster rights activists that have been making your job so much harder lately.
The gremlin has climbed quite high up on the wall. He is a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears. He is wearing a tiny ring and is smoking a tiny cigarette.
A large metal chest stands up against a wall. It is closed.
A large machine is at the back of the cave. Its mechanisms looks very complex. Actually it is very easy to use. You know this because on a previous product-testing mission you came across a machine just like it and spend four hours trying to figure out how it worked. The machine is for sharpening tools and weapons. Just put what you want sharpened into it and wait.

You can see a big tacky holy grail here.
Open chest
Just as you are about to open the chest, the genie rushes towards you swinging his sabre. You jump back. The genie says, "That is my chest!"
You talk to the genie
"So you are a genie, eh?" you say. "I wish I had a nice big treasure." "Dream on, transient creature."
You shoot the healing gun at the gremlin
You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the gremlin. Suddenly a good feeling fills your body.
You shoot the healing gun at the woman
You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the woman. She makes a little jump. "My psychosomatic guilt complex! It is gone," she says.
You shoot the healing gun at yourself
You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits you. You don't feel anything. The gremlin grins.
You shoot the healing gun at Hippoman
You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the hippoman. A shiver goes through his body. "My ear-maggots! I can't feel them anymore," he says.
You shoot the healing gun at the genie
You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the genie. "Ah!" he says. "The broken icicles on my beard. They are whole again!"
Is
A staff (with the goblin sidekick)
A fat fish
A bottle (closed)
A healing gun
A nosehairscrew
A manual

You are wearing:
Mirrorshades
A ring
Boxer shorts.
You hit the genie with the staff
The genie vanishes.

The goblin sidekick appears hovering in the air, but immediately falls down.

You notice that the genie is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.
You hit the woman with the staff
The monster rights activist vanishes.

The genie appears.

You notice that the monster rights activist is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.

The genie says, "Foolish mortal! Think you can confuse me with your magic stick?"
Open chest
Just as you are about to open the chest, the genie rushes towards you swinging his sabre. You jump back. The genie says, "That is my chest!"
You hit the goblin with the staff
(the goblin sidekick with the staff)
The goblin sidekick vanishes.

The monster rights activist appears.

You notice that the goblin sidekick is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.

The woman smacks you with her placard shouting, "Fiendish necromancer!"
You give the fish to the woman
"Think you can bribe me away, you beast slaughterer?"
You read the book
You must say what page to read, like "read page 1" or "read 1"
You read 1
On the front is a badly drawn picture of three monsters running away from a man who is holding a copy of the book over his head.
You read 2
So, you have spotted a monster. How many legs does it have?
None: read page 3
One: read page 35
Two: read page 36
Three: read page 62
Four: read page 63
Six: read page 86
Eight: read page 87
Forty eight billion and five: read page 90
It varies: read page 91
You look
An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the south.
Some runes are written on the wall.
A genie floats about a meter above the ground. He looks like a man made of ice. He is bald, but has a beard of icicles. He has no legs; his stomach rises from a small cloud of icy steam. He holds an ice sabre.
A hippoman, half man, half hippo, stands knitting something yellow. He is fat, purple and has two very thick legs. He is wearing your helmet. A young angry-looking woman stands holding a large placard saying "Save the monsters!" She is clearly one of those monster rights activists that have been making your job so much harder lately.
The gremlin has climbed quite high up on the wall. He is a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears. He is wearing a tiny ring and is smoking a tiny cigarette.
A large metal chest stands up against a wall. It is closed.
A large machine is at the back of the cave. Its mechanisms looks very complex. Actually it is very easy to use. You know this because on a previous product-testing mission you came across a machine just like it and spend four hours trying to figure out how it worked. The machine is for sharpening tools and weapons. Just put what you want sharpened into it and wait.

You can see a big tacky holy grail here.
You read 36
Does it have wings?
Yes: read page 37
No: read page 45
You read 3
Which of the following body parts does it have?
Fins: read page 4
Branches: read page 8
Tentacles: read page 11
Arms: read page 14
None of the above: read page 29
You read 45
What does the skin on its body look like?
Like human skin: read page 46
Green: read page 53
Purple: read page 58
Like rock: read page 59
You read 46
What does its head look like?
Like a human head: 47
Like an animal head: read page 52
You read 47
How high is it?
About human size: read page 48
About half human size: read page 51
You read 48
How does its ears look like?
Like human ears: read page 49
Pointy: read page 50
You read 49
Well, it probably is a Human then. Though occasionally nice, Humans usually becomes members in whatever culture that happens to be around, no matter how destructive or stupid that culture is. Then they become so convinced that their culture is the best one that they start killing off everybody who does not belong to it. Humans drink blood, and do not cast reflections. The best way to kill one is with a stake through the heart.
You read 14
When partaking in tea, how many lumps of sugar does it use?
Two: read page 15
Three: read page 22
You read 50
It is an Elf. They are supposed to be noble warriors, able to communicate with nature and full of ancient wisdom. Actually they are just a bunch of hippies that have had their ears surgically altered. Harmless.
You read 15
What form of art does it find most delightful?
Opera: read page 16
Interpretative dance: read page 19
You read 22
What word best describes its taste in furniture?
Conservative: read page 23
Fashionable: read page 26
You read 26
How would it prefer to spend a leisurely moment?
Reading: read page 27
Antiqueing: read page 28
You read 28
It is a Transdimensional Bull Genie. It exists in one million universes at the same time. To destroy it, you must decide on one exact moment to do so, no less than two hours in the future. By that time your universe will have split into more than one million universes (as it is always doing), and if all the versions of you in all the million universes attack the Transdimensional Bull Genie at exactly the same time, it can be killed. However if one of you fails to attack it, or somehow botches the attack, you will only have angered it, so do not attempt this unless you can trust yourself to be perfectly brave, perfectly competent and perfectly punctual.
You read 27
It is a Moldavian Christmas Genie. It is not allowed to hurt anybody on Christmas Eve. Just detain it until the 24th of December, and then trick it into killing somebody and it will cease to exist.
You read 23
To what degree does it think correct attire for any occasion is important?
Very: read page 24
Extremely: read page 25
You read 24
It is a Half-Scandinavian Chaos Genie. It is colorblind and shapeblind and can only see sizes. By having the exact same size as one or preferably several objects in the Genie's vicinity, you may confuse it so much that it will not attack you, though a more likely outcome is that it will attack both you and everything your size.
You read 25
It is a Common Wishing Genie. By rubbing its lamp you should be able to control it and make it grant your wishes. Unfortunately the Common Wishing Genies have caught on to this, and have now started hiding their lamps, often far off in other countries.
You give the bottle to Genie
"Foolish mortal! None of your pathetic possessions have any interest to me!"
You read 16
In its opinion capitalism is best described as...
...the lesser of several evils: read page 17
...a mere fad: read page 18
You read 19
What does it think of the early poetry of Jasper Wull?
Slightly overrated: read page 20
Slightly underrated: read page 21
You read 17
It is a Minor Brazilian Quantum Genie. It feeds off math. If you draw an equation on a blackboard it will eat it. If you include some logical flaw in the equation, the genie will choke on it. However make sure the flaw is subtile, because if the genie, which is a math genius, notices the flaw it will not eat the equation but rather get upset and tear you into atoms.
You read 18
It is a North Canadian Sensitivity Genie, one of the few creatures capable of having fatal emotions. Simply show it a photograph of it as a baby while remarking on how cute it looked, or read aloud from a love letter it wrote as a teen and it will likely die of embarrassment.
You read 20
It is a Mock Tropical Cerebral Genie. It only respects creatures that are smarter than itself. Simply stand close to it and do something impressive like invent an antigravity device or discover a cure for the common cold, and it will not harm you.
You read 21
It is a Near-Mythological British Migrating Genie. It feeds off the depressions of others. If you trap it for a fortnight in a room full of optimists it will die of malnutrition.
You throw the bottle at Genie
You throw the bottle. It smashes into the genie, then falls to the ground.
The genie says, "Foolish mortal! Think you can hurt me that easily?"

>(first taking the bottle)
You throw the bottle. It smashes into the genie, then falls to the ground.
The genie says, "Foolish mortal! Think you can hurt me that easily?"
You get the sabre
Never mind the sabre.
You talk to Genie
You ask, "If you drank tea, how many lumps of sugar would you use?" "Don't bother me with your moronic chit chat, transient creature."
You hit the goblin with the staff
(the goblin sidekick with the staff)
The goblin sidekick vanishes.

The genie appears.

You notice that the goblin sidekick is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.

The genie says, "Foolish mortal! Think you um...aaargh!"
Water is dripping from the genie. "I'm melting! I'm melting!" he screams.
He quickly flies towards the exit, but it's too late. Soon he is nothing but a puddle, and not long after even that has evaporated.
You look around
An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the east. It is terribly hot here. The intolerable temperature is almost certainly caused by the red-hot stone oven standing in a corner.
A stone table stands in the middle of the cave. Round it stands a stone throne with an old troll, a stone chair with a tall troll, a stone stool with a short troll, and a large stone. The trolls look a bit like humans made of stone, though with no necks, bigger jaws, smaller eyes and huge arms and hands. They are playing some kind of card game.
A golem, a man crudely made from stone, is standing here unmoving. Some runes have been chiseled into his chest.

You can see a stone saxophone here.
Go east
This cave has exits to the north, east, south and west.
A stone pedestal as tall as you stands in a corner. A knife is planted in it, hilt up.

A diamond the size of your chest lies in the middle of the cave. A tremendous light shines out from it and fills the entire cave.
Go north
An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the south.
Some runes are written on the wall.
A hippoman, half man, half hippo, stands knitting something yellow. He is fat, purple and has two very thick legs. He is wearing your helmet. A young angry-looking woman stands holding a large placard saying "Adventurers go home!" She is clearly one of those monster rights activists that have been making your job so much harder lately.
The gremlin has climbed quite high up on the wall. He is a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears. He is wearing a tiny ring and is smoking a tiny cigarette.
A large metal chest stands up against a wall. It is closed.
A large machine is at the back of the cave. Its mechanisms looks very complex. Actually it is very easy to use. You know this because on a previous product-testing mission you came across a machine just like it and spend four hours trying to figure out how it worked. The machine is for sharpening tools and weapons. Just put what you want sharpened into it and wait.

You can see a big tacky holy grail here.
You hit the woman with the staff
The monster rights activist vanishes.

The goblin sidekick appears.

You notice that the monster rights activist is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.
Open chest
You open the chest. It contains nothing but a carrot. Wait a second, that's a very strange carrot! It has arms. And legs. And wings! The arms and legs are like those of a human, only smaller. It has no face. Suddenly the carrot flies up, and starts zipping around the cave. Sparks begin to fall from all over its body and each spark disappears before hitting the ground.
You read the book
You must say what page to read, like "read page 1" or "read 1"
You look
An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the south.
Some runes are written on the wall.
A hippoman, half man, half hippo, stands knitting something yellow. He is fat, purple and has two very thick legs. He is wearing your helmet. The gremlin has climbed quite high up on the wall. He is a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears. He is wearing a tiny ring and is smoking a tiny cigarette.
A carrot with tiny wings flies around. Its arms and legs look like those of a human, only much smaller. It has no head or face. A steady shower of shimmering sparks falls from all over its body; each spark disappears before hitting the ground.
A large metal chest stands up against a wall. It is open and empty.
A large machine is at the back of the cave. Its mechanisms looks very complex. Actually it is very easy to use. You know this because on a previous product-testing mission you came across a machine just like it and spend four hours trying to figure out how it worked. The machine is for sharpening tools and weapons. Just put what you want sharpened into it and wait.

You can see the goblin sidekick and a big tacky holy grail here.
You read 37
Does it have a beak?
Yes: read page 38
No: read page 42
You read 42
Does it have a head?
Yes: read page 43
No: read page 44
You read 44
It could be a Vegetable Fairy. Supposedly they are small with humanoid arms and legs and with a vegetable for a body; a different vegetable for each Vegetable Fairy. According to legend you gain a magical power if you lick a Vegetable Fairy: if you lick the Celery Fairy the lower half of your body becomes weightless, if you lick the Rutabaga Fairy you become immune to soap, and so on. Since the Vegetable Fairy is almost certainly fictional I am not going to say how to defeat it. You have probably just found some bird that has gotten it's head cut off.
Lick carrot
You bend down towards the carrot, sticking out your tongue. The carrot doesn't fly away. You lick the carrot. It tastes carroty. Suddenly your eyesight is marginally better. Of course you already had pretty good eyesight.
Lick carrot
The goblin licks the carrot. "Hey," says the goblin. "My eyesight! It's good again! I can see everything clearly now!"
You hit the goblin with the staff
(the goblin sidekick with the staff)
The goblin sidekick vanishes.

The monster rights activist appears.

You notice that the goblin sidekick is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.

The monster rights activist smacks you with her placard shouting, "Kidnapping sicko!", before running off in the direction you found her.
Go northwest
This cave has an exit southeast to the outside, or you could go further into the mountain to the northwest.
A somewhat larger than life-size statue of his holiness One-Hand Jack stands in the middle of the cave. Jack used to be an infamous pirate, but later formed Hoverism, a peaceful religion. The statue holds its left arm out and up, the hook at the end of it just low enough to be reached. The statue's head is gone.
An old Hoverist is hovering about a meter above the floor. He is sitting in the lotus position, his head is turned towards the statue, and his eyes are closed. He is wearing a white loincloth.
Several fragments from the safe are lying here. Quite a lot of turquoise sludge is on the floor; most of it round the northwest exit.

Though you cannot see it, you know that a Hustlespleen & Poe Coat of Invisibility hangs on the hook. It is supposed to turn visible (or turn invisible again) whenever you say the magic word "tango".

The goblin comes running after you.
Go northwest
This cave has exits to the northwest and southeast.
A shoal of small fish crawls around on the floor. They look creepy. Their skins are white and look almost transparent. Their eyes are also white and don't have pupils.
Big and small pieces of the safe are spread all around this room. The safe door has embedded itself halfway into the cave wall. There are quite a lot of pieces of porcelain spread around too. Lots and lots of dead fish lie around, many with bits of the safe sticking out of them. There is some disgusting turquoise sludge covering almost everything in the room, including the ceiling. Now and then globs of it fall to the floor.

Suddenly your eyesight is marginally worse again.

The goblin comes running after you.

A big blob of sludge falls from the ceiling and splashes into the sludge below.
Go northwest
The only exit from this cave is to the southeast.
Some runes are written on the wall.
Several fragments from the safe are lying here. Quite a bit of turquoise sludge is on the floor; most of it around the southeast exit.

You hear the goblin shout "Oh no, my eye-sight is back to normal!"

The goblin comes running after you.
Go southeast
The goblin comes running after you.

Some sludge drip from the ceiling.

The goblin comes running after you.

The goblin comes running after you.
You go north
You can see a big tacky holy grail here.

The goblin comes running after you.
You go to the south
A diamond the size of your chest lies in the middle of the cave. A tremendous light shines out from it and fills the entire cave.
Go northwest
Lots of sludge drip from the ceiling.
Look around
The only exit from this cave is to the southeast.
Some runes are written on the wall.
Several fragments from the safe are lying here. Quite a bit of turquoise sludge is on the floor; most of it around the southeast exit.
You hit the fish with the staff
The fat fish vanishes.

The goblin sidekick appears.

You notice that the fat fish is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.
You read the runes
The goblin looks at the runes. "Ah," he says, "it's instructions for how to open the child-proof lid of the Dante Tomato Sauce."
The goblin explains to you how to open the bottle.
You hit the goblin with the staff
(the goblin sidekick with the staff)
The goblin sidekick vanishes.

The fat fish appears.

You notice that the goblin sidekick is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.
You look around
An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the north. There is also an exit to the south.
A red automat, hundred of meters tall, stands in the middle of the cave. Despite the insane magnitude of the machine, its money-slot and buttons are normal-sized and placed at normal height. The merchandise-slot is also close to the floor, but huge enough to hold a horse. You have come across these automats before. Several companies have recently begun placing them in dangerous places, for adventurers who need equipment. They are easy to use; just buy something. Something is written on the automat next to the buttons.
A stone altar stands up against a wall. It is low, shadowy, bloodstained and has runes written on it. Next to it is a huge pile of fish bones.

On the altar you can see:
A sluggish fish. Its eyes are white and have no pupils. It is crawling around.
You open the bottle
You open the bottle.
Inventory
20 gold coins.
A mail-ordered short metal staff with a clear orb on the end. Its manufacturers say the staff will remove any creature that comes in contact with the orb. Inside the orb you can see the goblin sidekick. He is now tiny and unmoving.
A fat fish. Its eyes are white and have no pupils.
A bottle of the dreaded Dante Tomato Sauce, Triple-Extra Spicy. Something is written on it. It is open.
A Huxoflux & Son healing gun. You tested one of these four years ago, and they are excellent. Just shoot anything that is wounded or sick.
A nosehairscrew, a small intricate mechanism with many arms, spikes and pinchers. Part of the Guggensmith Portable Torturing Set that you refused to test some months ago. You are supposed to stuff it up someone's nose, and then twist it to cause horrendous pain.
"The Ultimate Creature Manual" by Arthur Hippoman. According to the back it contains information about every single monster in the world, and how to defend yourself against them. It is suspiciously thin.

You are wearing:
A pair of mirrorshades. You could see yourself in them if you weren't wearing them.
On your finger is a Snuffelburg & Co. Type F Magical Ring. It is red and golden. It is supposed to protect you from any magical rays, by moving the effect of the ray away from you and onto the gremlin. That is, if the gremlin is still wearing the smaller, magically connected, ring.
A pair of red boxer shorts, decorated with tiny teddy-bears dressed as sailors. They are not something you are supposed to test; they are your own.
You pour the bottle on the fish
(the pile of fish bones)
Never mind the pile of fish bones.
You pour the bottle on the sluggish fish
You pour some tomato sauce on the sluggish fish.
Go north
An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the south.
Some runes are written on the wall.
A hippoman, half man, half hippo, stands knitting something yellow. He is fat, purple and has two very thick legs. He is wearing your helmet. A young angry-looking woman stands holding a large placard saying "Save the braineating parasite worm!" She is clearly one of those monster rights activists that have been making your job so much harder lately. The gremlin has climbed quite high up on the wall. He is a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears. He is wearing a tiny ring and is smoking a tiny cigarette.
A carrot with tiny wings flies around. Its arms and legs look like those of a human, only much smaller. It has no head or face. A steady shower of shimmering sparks falls from all over its body; each spark disappears before hitting the ground.
A large metal chest stands up against a wall. It is open and empty.
A large machine is at the back of the cave. Its mechanisms looks very complex. Actually it is very easy to use. You know this because on a previous product-testing mission you came across a machine just like it and spend four hours trying to figure out how it worked. The machine is for sharpening tools and weapons. Just put what you want sharpened into it and wait.

You can see a big tacky holy grail here.
You put it on the pedestal
Taken.
The knife is in the way.
Is
A staff (with the goblin sidekick)
A fat fish
A bottle (open)
A healing gun
A nosehairscrew
A manual

You are wearing:
Mirrorshades
A ring
Boxer shorts.
You get the knife
You pull the knife out of the pedestal. You notice the following things:
1. A mysterious click.
2. That the knife is very dull.
3. A large gap in the cave wall next to you opening up.
4. A metal arm with a round spinning saw-blade emerging from the gap. 5. The top of your head being cut off.
6. The arm retreating.
7. The gap closing.
8. Lots of blood gushing out of your head.
You shoot the gun at yourself
You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits you. You don't feel anything. The bleeding doesn't stop!

More blood erupts from your head.
You go to the north
An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the south.
Some runes are written on the wall.
A hippoman, half man, half hippo, stands knitting something yellow. He is fat, purple and has two very thick legs. He is wearing your helmet. A young angry-looking woman stands holding a large placard saying "Save the braineating parasite worm!" She is clearly one of those monster rights activists that have been making your job so much harder lately. The gremlin has climbed quite high up on the wall. He is a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears. He is wearing a tiny ring and is smoking a tiny cigarette.
A carrot with tiny wings flies around. Its arms and legs look like those of a human, only much smaller. It has no head or face. A steady shower of shimmering sparks falls from all over its body; each spark disappears before hitting the ground.
A large metal chest stands up against a wall. It is open and empty.
A large machine is at the back of the cave. Its mechanisms looks very complex. Actually it is very easy to use. You know this because on a previous product-testing mission you came across a machine just like it and spend four hours trying to figure out how it worked. The machine is for sharpening tools and weapons. Just put what you want sharpened into it and wait.

You can see a big tacky holy grail here.

More blood erupts from your head.
You shoot the gun at the gremlin
You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the gremlin. Suddenly a good feeling fills your body. You notice the blood has stopped. You feel your head. It is whole again.
You put the knife in the machine
Just as you are about to put the knife into the machine, the hippoman approaches you angrily. He lifts his hand as if to hit you, but suddenly stops and yelps. He looks startled for a moment. Then he tries to tear off the helmet, but it is stuck. You put the knife in the machine. The knife slides in until it is completely out of view. The machine beeps.
You hit the machine
You see no reason to hit that.

The machine hums.
You wait
Time passes.

The machine whistles.
You wait
Time passes.

The machine makes a sound like glass breaking.
You wait
Time passes.

The machine makes a sound like a cabbage being hit with a sledgehammer.
You wait
Time passes.

The machine lets out some steam.
You wait
Time passes.

The machine vibrates.
You wait
Time passes.

The machine shakes.
You wait
Time passes.

The machine moves a couple of inches to the right.
You wait
Time passes.

The machine moves a couple of inches to the left.
You wait
Time passes.

The machine moves a couple of inches forwards.
You wait
Time passes.

The machine moves a couple of inches backwards.
You wait
Time passes.

The machine jumps.

The gremlin snickers. He is staring at the machine with a mischievous look on his face.
You get the grail
As you are about to take it, the hippoman approaches you angrily. He lifts his hand as if to hit you, but suddenly stops and yelps. He looks startled for a moment. Then he tries to tear off the helmet, but it is stuck. You pick up the grail. Suddenly you feel a terrible pain in your hand, and you drop the grail. You hear somebody hissing, and look around. It is the gremlin. He is stabbing his cigarette into his own hand. He is clearly in pain. He removes the cigarette from his hand, and the pain in your hand disappears. He puts the cigarette back in his mouth and laughs at you.

The machine beeps. Suddenly the gremlin jumps down from the wall and into the machine. There come some strange sounds from the machine before the gremlin crawls back out and climbs up the wall. The machine starts shaking like crazy, and suddenly the knife comes shooting out of it. The knife flies straight towards your head! You duck. The dagger hits the wall behind you. You notice it is still dull. Darn gremlin!
Drink bottle
You eat some sauce. Your throat starts burning, you feel a desperate need for water, you feel hot, your stomach starts bubbling, you turn red, steam shoots out of your ears, your bowels burst and your head explodes.
Go south
This cave has exits to the north, east, south and west.
A stone pedestal as tall as you stands in a corner.

There is a little blood here.

A diamond the size of your chest lies in the middle of the cave. A tremendous light shines out from it and fills the entire cave.

You can also see the severed top of your head here.
You take the head
You already have that.
Shoot gun at top
You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun, hits the severed top of your head and disappears.
You wear the top
You are a little unsure exactly how you are going to put that in your head. Maybe you should try eating it.
Go east
An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the west. There is another exit to the northeast. Someone has chiseled gaps into the cave wall, forming a primitive ladder leading up to a hole in the ceiling.
A table made from human skulls stands near the northeast exit. On the table stands a shimmering pink translucent cube and a small, rusty, holy grail.
A small round stage stands close to the table. It is apparently made from human faces frozen in terrible screams.
A small flamingo-headed man sits behind the table in a comfortable-looking armchair covered in obviously fake giraffe fur. He is wearing a jester's suit, including a ridiculous hat with bells on. He is staring at the pink cube.
An armadillo-headed woman in a white toga sits next to him on a barstool made from green shimmering flames. She is reading a small yellow book called "Fake Paradoxes in Solipsistic Thinking".
A cat-headed man sits next to her on a throne draped in black leather, with numerous spikes sticking out of it. He is tall, fat and dressed in a black leather jacket, black jeans and black leather boots.

There is a flickering image inside the cube. The flamingo-headed man giggles and says, "Some woman in Singapore just sat on a cactus."
Go northeast
As you are about to go, the cat-headed man punches you in the stomach. "I'm not going to let you go there!" he says.
"Why not?" you whimper.
"Because I don't feel like it!"
You give the bottle to the cat
(the cat-headed man)
"That's trash!"
You give bottle to the comedy
(the flamingo-headed man)
"That's not funny! I don't want it!"
You give the head to the comedy
(the flamingo-headed man)
You can't give away things that are stuck on your body.
You give top to the comedy
(the flamingo-headed man)
"That's not funny! I don't want it!"

There is a flickering image inside the cube. The flamingo-headed man giggles and says, "Some woman in Switzerland just feel down a canyon."
Is
A staff (with the goblin sidekick)
A fat fish
A knife
A bottle (open)
A healing gun
A nosehairscrew
A manual
A severed head top

You are wearing:
Mirrorshades
A ring
Boxer shorts.
You torture yourself with the nosehairscrew
To torture someone with a nosehairscrew, the nosehairscrew must first be in that someone's nose.

There is a flickering image inside the cube. The flamingo-headed man giggles and says, "Some guy in Norway just fell into a barrel of fish."
Turn screw
You put your hand on the nosehairscrew, but hesitate. The pain is going to be horrible. But then you remember what the Hoverist taught you. You twist the screw. The pain is indescribable so I won't try. You collapse.

There is a flickering image inside the cube. The flamingo-headed man giggles and says, "Some guy in Singapore just fell down a hole."
You go west
You can't do anything. You are paralyzed with pain.

The pain subsides. You get up.
You go west
This cave has exits to the north, east, south and west.
A stone pedestal as tall as you stands in a corner.

There is a little blood here.

A diamond the size of your chest lies in the middle of the cave. A tremendous light shines out from it and fills the entire cave.
You go to the north
An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the south.
Some runes are written on the wall.
A hippoman, half man, half hippo, stands knitting something yellow. He is fat, purple and has two very thick legs. He is wearing your helmet. A young angry-looking woman stands holding a large placard saying "Save the braineating parasite worm!" She is clearly one of those monster rights activists that have been making your job so much harder lately. The gremlin has climbed quite high up on the wall. He is a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears. He is wearing a tiny ring and is smoking a tiny cigarette.
A carrot with tiny wings flies around. Its arms and legs look like those of a human, only much smaller. It has no head or face. A steady shower of shimmering sparks falls from all over its body; each spark disappears before hitting the ground.
A large metal chest stands up against a wall. It is open and empty.
A large machine is at the back of the cave. Its mechanisms looks very complex. Actually it is very easy to use. You know this because on a previous product-testing mission you came across a machine just like it and spend four hours trying to figure out how it worked. The machine is for sharpening tools and weapons. Just put what you want sharpened into it and wait.

There is a little blood here.

You can see a big tacky holy grail here.
Turn screw
You put your hand on the nosehairscrew, but hesitate. The pain is going to be horrible. But then you remember what the Hoverist taught you. You twist the screw. The pain is indescribable so I won't try. You collapse. The gremlin screams and falls down from the wall.
You get gremlin
You can't do anything. You are paralyzed with pain.

The pain subsides. You get up. The gremlin curses and scuttles up the wall.
You put the knife in the machine
Just as you are about to put the knife into the machine, the hippoman approaches you angrily. He lifts his hand as if to hit you, but suddenly stops and yelps. He looks startled for a moment. Then he tries to tear off the helmet, but it is stuck. You put the knife in the machine. The knife slides in until it is completely out of view. The machine beeps.
You wait awhile
Time passes.

The machine hums.
Time passes.

The machine whistles.
Time passes.

The machine makes a sound like glass breaking.
Time passes.

The machine makes a sound like a cabbage being hit with a sledgehammer.
Wait
Time passes.

The machine lets out some steam.
Time passes.

The machine vibrates.
Time passes.

The machine shakes.
Wait
Time passes.

The machine moves a couple of inches to the right.
Time passes.

The machine moves a couple of inches to the left.
Wait
Time passes.

The machine jumps.

The gremlin snickers. He is staring at the machine with a mischievous look on his face.
Turn screw
You put your hand on the nosehairscrew, but hesitate. The pain is going to be horrible. But then you remember what the Hoverist taught you. You twist the screw. The pain is indescribable so I won't try. You collapse. The gremlin screams and falls down from the wall.

The machine beeps. The dagger slides out on the floor. It looks nice and sharp.
You get the knife
You can't do anything. You are paralyzed with pain.

The pain subsides. You get up. The gremlin curses and scuttles up the wall.
You throw the knife at the gremlin
The gremlin quickly climbs out of the way of the knife which smashes into the wall, and falls to the ground. The gremlin giggles.
Stab hand
(with the big tacky holy grail)
That is not suitable as a hitting weapon.
You stab Hand with the knife
That seems a tad drastic. Try cutting off just the finger.
You cut off the finger
(with the big tacky holy grail)
That is not a proper tool for cutting.
You cut off the finger with the knife
You begin to move the knife towards the finger with the ring on, then hesitate. The pain would just be too much, you think. Then you remember what the Hoverist taught you. You cut off the finger. Blood starts gushing out of the wound. You begin to feel weak.
You shoot the gremlin with the gun
You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the gremlin. The gremlin grins.

The blood keeps pouring out of your finger. You are feeling really bad. You think you will die unless you do something right now.
You shoot the gremlin with the gun
You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the gremlin. The gremlin grins.

The blood loss gets too big.
You shoot yourself with the gun
You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits you. Suddenly a good feeling fills your body. A new finger grows out where the old one was. The bleeding stops.
You get the grail
As you are about to take it, the hippoman approaches you angrily. He lifts his hand as if to hit you, but suddenly stops and yelps. He looks startled for a moment. Then he tries to tear off the helmet, but it is stuck. You pick up the grail.
You look
An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the south.
Some runes are written on the wall.
A hippoman, half man, half hippo, stands knitting something yellow. He is fat, purple and has two very thick legs. He is wearing your helmet. A young angry-looking woman stands holding a large placard saying "Save the braineating parasite worm!" She is clearly one of those monster rights activists that have been making your job so much harder lately. The gremlin has climbed quite high up on the wall. He is a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears. He is wearing a tiny ring and is smoking a tiny cigarette.
A carrot with tiny wings flies around. Its arms and legs look like those of a human, only much smaller. It has no head or face. A steady shower of shimmering sparks falls from all over its body; each spark disappears before hitting the ground.
A large metal chest stands up against a wall. It is open and empty.
A large machine is at the back of the cave. Its mechanisms looks very complex. Actually it is very easy to use. You know this because on a previous product-testing mission you came across a machine just like it and spend four hours trying to figure out how it worked. The machine is for sharpening tools and weapons. Just put what you want sharpened into it and wait.

There is quite a lot of blood here.

A severed finger lies here. On it is a Snuffelburg & Co. Type F Magical Ring. The ring is red and golden. It was supposed to protect you from any magical rays, by moving the effect of the ray away from you and onto the gremlin.
You go east
An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the west. There is another exit to the northeast. Someone has chiseled gaps into the cave wall, forming a primitive ladder leading up to a hole in the ceiling.
A table made from human skulls stands near the northeast exit. On the table stands a shimmering pink translucent cube and a small, rusty, holy grail.
A small round stage stands close to the table. It is apparently made from human faces frozen in terrible screams.
A small flamingo-headed man sits behind the table in a comfortable-looking armchair covered in obviously fake giraffe fur. He is wearing a jester's suit, including a ridiculous hat with bells on. He is staring at the pink cube.
An armadillo-headed woman in a white toga sits next to him on a barstool made from green shimmering flames. She is reading a huge black book called "Quantum Physics in Infinitely Dimensional Realities".
A cat-headed man sits next to her on a throne draped in black leather, with numerous spikes sticking out of it. He is tall, fat and dressed in a black leather jacket, black jeans and black leather boots.
You get the grail
(the big tacky holy grail)
You already have that.
You get the rusty grail
You try to take the grail, but the flamingo-headed man notices it. He sticks his hands inside his chest and pulls out a huge fish, holding it around its tail. The fish is much larger than the man's chest, and almost larger than the man. The man slaps you in the face with the fish. Then, giggling, he puts it back in his chest. "It's my grail," he says.
You give the tacky grail to the flamingo
(the flamingo-headed man)
"No thanks, I already have a grail."
You put the tacky grail on the table
Just as you are about to put it on the table, the skulls start screaming, and you quickly step back.
Go south
This cave has exits to the north, east, south and west.
A stone pedestal as tall as you stands in a corner.

There is a little blood here.

A diamond the size of your chest lies in the middle of the cave. A tremendous light shines out from it and fills the entire cave.

An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the north. There is also an exit to the south.
A red automat, hundred of meters tall, stands in the middle of the cave. Despite the insane magnitude of the machine, its money-slot and buttons are normal-sized and placed at normal height. The merchandise-slot is also close to the floor, but huge enough to hold a horse. You have come across these automats before. Several companies have recently begun placing them in dangerous places, for adventurers who need equipment. They are easy to use; just buy something. Something is written on the automat next to the buttons.
A stone altar stands up against a wall. It is low, shadowy, bloodstained and has runes written on it. Next to it is a huge pile of fish bones.

On the altar you can see:
A sluggish fish. Its eyes are white and have no pupils. It is crawling around. It is covered in tomato sauce.
You go south
This cave has an exit leading outside to the south, or you can go further into the mountain to the north.
A burly barbarian is leaning against a wall, playing with a yo-yo, a grim expression on his face. A long sabre is in his belt.
A tough-looking dwarf, wearing chain mail and a helmet, is sitting on the floor. With one hand he is holding an axe almost as big as himself. In the other he is holding a wooden paddle with a small ball attached with a rubber string. He keeps hitting the ball with the paddle.
A muscular white horse and a mangy donkey stand here.
You sell the grail
You have to specify whom you want to give to.
You sell the grail to the barbarian
(the barbarian)
The barbarian smiles and says, "That is a good treasure." He attaches the grail to his belt. Then he gives you five gold coins. Then he jumps forwards, summersaults through the air, and lands on the back of his horse. It storms out to the south.
You describe your surroundings
This cave has an exit leading outside to the south, or you can go further into the mountain to the north.
A tough-looking dwarf, wearing chain mail and a helmet, is sitting on the floor. With one hand he is holding an axe almost as big as himself. In the other he is holding a wooden paddle with a small ball attached with a rubber string. He keeps hitting the ball with the paddle.
A mangy donkey stands here.
You go north
An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the north. There is also an exit to the south.
A red automat, hundred of meters tall, stands in the middle of the cave. Despite the insane magnitude of the machine, its money-slot and buttons are normal-sized and placed at normal height. The merchandise-slot is also close to the floor, but huge enough to hold a horse. You have come across these automats before. Several companies have recently begun placing them in dangerous places, for adventurers who need equipment. They are easy to use; just buy something. Something is written on the automat next to the buttons.
A stone altar stands up against a wall. It is low, shadowy, bloodstained and has runes written on it. Next to it is a huge pile of fish bones.

On the altar you can see:
A sluggish fish. Its eyes are white and have no pupils. It is crawling around. It is covered in tomato sauce.
Go north
This cave has exits to the north, east, south and west.
A stone pedestal as tall as you stands in a corner.

There is a little blood here.

A diamond the size of your chest lies in the middle of the cave. A tremendous light shines out from it and fills the entire cave.
Stab golem with knife
(the golem with the knife)
The knife makes no damage at all to the stone man.
You play the sax
The unearthly blare spewing forth from the instrument is hideous beyond comprehension. Your bones shiver from the obvious evil infusing every resonance of the soul-quenching noise and you feel like the eldritch sounds tear your mind apart and play ping-pong with your sanity. You were never a big fan of saxophone music.
Is
A staff (with the goblin sidekick)
A fat fish
A knife (sharpened)
A bottle (open)
A healing gun
A manual
A severed finger (with a ring)
A severed head top
A nosehairscrew (in your nose)

You are wearing:
Mirrorshades
Boxer shorts.
You erase the runes
Your attempts at erasing the runes fail, the stone is too hard. Nice try though.
You point the healing gun at the golem
(the golem)
Nah, aiming is for wimps.
You shoot the healing gun at the golem
(the golem)
You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the golem.
You give the finger to the golem
(the golem with the fat fish)
That is not suitable as a hitting weapon.

>(the golem)
You can't give away things that are stuck on your body.
You give head top to the golem
(the golem)
The golem does not respond to your offer.
You read the page 59
Does it have runes carved into its breast?
Yes: read 60
No: read 61
You read the page 60
It is a Golem; an artificial creature made of rock and magic, forced to serve out the commands carved into its chest. To destroy it, simply buy and read my previous book "How to Destroy a Golem".
You read the page 61
It is a Troll. They are extinct so don't worry about them.
Is
A staff (with the goblin sidekick)
A fat fish
A knife (sharpened)
A bottle (open)
A healing gun
A manual
A severed finger (with a ring)
A severed head top
A nosehairscrew (in your nose)

You are wearing:
Mirrorshades
Boxer shorts.
You talk to Golem
(the golem)
"Who made you?" you ask, but the golem does not respond.
You pour the bottle on Golem
(the golem)
Hold on! You have to catch a creature before you can begin preparations for eating it!
You put the shades on Golem
(the golem)
Putting things on the golem would achieve nothing.
You hit yourself with the staff
Suddenly everything looks slightly different.

An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the east. It is terribly hot here. The intolerable temperature is almost certainly caused by the red-hot stone oven standing in a corner.
A stone table stands in the middle of the cave. Round it stands a stone throne with an old troll, a stone chair with a tall troll, a stone stool with a short troll, and a large stone. The trolls look a bit like humans made of stone, though with no necks, bigger jaws, smaller eyes and huge arms and hands. They are playing some kind of card game.
A golem, a man crudely made from stone, is standing here unmoving. Some runes have been chiseled into his chest.

A mail-ordered short metal staff with a clear orb on the end lies here. Its manufacturers say the staff will remove any creature that comes in contact with the orb. Inside the orb you can see the goblin sidekick. He is now tiny and unmoving.
You hit the fish with the staff
First taking the staff.
Taken.
The fat fish vanishes.

The goblin sidekick appears.

You notice that the fat fish is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.

The goblin says, "Gee boss, I am kind of confused about what just happened. But I saw you had become this tiny frozen figure inside the orb. I figured I had to try and rescue you, so I touched the orb. I don't know exactly what happened then, but now here you are."
You get the sax
You already have that.

"Oh no, my eyesight is back to normal!" says the goblin.
You give the sax to the goblin
(the goblin sidekick)
You give the stone saxophone to the goblin.
Go east
An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the east. It is terribly hot here. The intolerable temperature is almost certainly caused by the red-hot stone oven standing in a corner.
A stone table stands in the middle of the cave. Round it stands a stone throne with an old troll, a stone chair with a tall troll, a stone stool with a short troll, and a large stone. The trolls look a bit like humans made of stone, though with no necks, bigger jaws, smaller eyes and huge arms and hands. They are playing some kind of card game.
A golem, a man crudely made from stone, is standing here unmoving. Some runes have been chiseled into his chest.

A fat fish crawls around here. Its eyes are white and have no pupils. Taken.

This cave has exits to the north, east, south and west.
A stone pedestal as tall as you stands in a corner.

There is a little blood here.

A diamond the size of your chest lies in the middle of the cave. A tremendous light shines out from it and fills the entire cave.
You hit the fish with the staff
The fat fish vanishes.

The goblin sidekick appears.

You notice that the fat fish is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.
You give the sax to you
The goblin gives the stone saxophone to you.
You go south
An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the north. There is also an exit to the south.
A red automat, hundred of meters tall, stands in the middle of the cave. Despite the insane magnitude of the machine, its money-slot and buttons are normal-sized and placed at normal height. The merchandise-slot is also close to the floor, but huge enough to hold a horse. You have come across these automats before. Several companies have recently begun placing them in dangerous places, for adventurers who need equipment. They are easy to use; just buy something. Something is written on the automat next to the buttons.
A stone altar stands up against a wall. It is low, shadowy, bloodstained and has runes written on it. Next to it is a huge pile of fish bones.

On the altar you can see:
A sluggish fish. Its eyes are white and have no pupils. It is crawling around. It is covered in tomato sauce.

The goblin comes running after you.
You play the sax
The unearthly blare spewing forth from the instrument is hideous beyond comprehension. Your bones shiver from the obvious evil infusing every resonance of the soul-quenching noise and you feel like the eldritch sounds tear your mind apart and play ping-pong with your sanity. You were never a big fan of saxophone music.

A blue eerie light surrounds the altar. The sluggish fish fades away. Suddenly you hear a terrible scream from the north: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" The scream stops. Shortly after the altar suddenly crumbles to dust.
You go north
This cave has exits to the north, east, south and west.
A stone pedestal as tall as you stands in a corner.

There is a little blood here.

A diamond the size of your chest lies in the middle of the cave. A tremendous light shines out from it and fills the entire cave.

The goblin comes running after you.
You go to the east
An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the west. There is another exit to the northeast. Someone has chiseled gaps into the cave wall, forming a primitive ladder leading up to a hole in the ceiling.
A table made from human skulls stands near the northeast exit. On the table stands a shimmering pink translucent cube and a small, rusty, holy grail.
A small round stage stands close to the table. It is apparently made from human faces frozen in terrible screams.
A small flamingo-headed man sits behind the table in a comfortable-looking armchair covered in obviously fake giraffe fur. He is wearing a jester's suit, including a ridiculous hat with bells on. He is staring at the pink cube.
An armadillo-headed woman in a white toga sits next to him on a barstool made from green shimmering flames. She is reading a heavy-looking green book called "Strategies in Controlling the Subconscious".
A big pile of smoking ashes lies next to her.

The goblin comes running after you.

"Where on earth can the cat-headed man have gone?" you think.
You talk to the comedy
(the flamingo-headed man)
"What is the weird stage for?" you ask.
"It's mine. It's my altar. Where my followers stand when they worship me."

There is a flickering image inside the cube. The flamingo-headed man giggles and says, "Some woman in Canada just got attacked by a woodpecker."
You talk to the woman
(the armadillo-headed woman)
"Is it a good book?" you ask.
The woman frowns and says: "No. Can you believe the writer overlooked the implications of the pseudo-imaginary deterioration of quasi-Jungian id complexity during non-elusive, non-reflective dreams?" She laughs joylessly.
You go to the northeast
This cave's only exit is to the southwest.
A large wooden crank sticks out from a wall.
A lizard as long as your arm is clutched to the wall, high above the crank, its head facing downwards. It has huge bulging eyes. It is red, orange, yellow, blue, purple, pink, brown, gray and black.

The goblin comes running after you.
You turn the crank
As you approach the crank, the lizard shoots a fireball downwards from its mouth. You jump back, unhurt.
You read 82
It is a Shameleon. This lizard has developed a special kind of camouflage: it will taste exactly the same as whatever surface it is lying on. The Shameleon can breathe fire. Its colorful body is easy to spot, so just stay out of its range and you'll be safe.
You look
This cave's only exit is to the southwest.
A large wooden crank sticks out from a wall.
A lizard as long as your arm is clutched to the wall, high above the crank, its head facing downwards. It has huge bulging eyes. It is red, orange, yellow, blue, purple, pink, brown, gray and black.

You can see the goblin sidekick here.
Lick wall
It taste awful.
Lick lizard
The lizard is too high up.
You turn the crank
The goblin approaches the crank. The lizard shoots out a fireball. The goblin runs and hides behind you.
You throw the staff at the lizard
The staff smashes into the lizard.

The lizard vanishes.

The fat fish appears hovering in the air, but immediately falls down.

The staff falls on the ground.

You notice that the lizard is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.
You turn the crank
You turn the crank. The cave rumbles and part of the cave-wall slides away, revealing an exit to the northeast.
You go northeast
Commodious cave (on the west ledge)
A wide abyss fills almost the entire floor in this cave, with only two stone ledges to stand on. Both ledges go from the south end to the north end of the cave. One ledge comes out from the west wall, the other from the east wall.
An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. Another exit, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast.
A large button sticks up from the middle of the east ledge.

The goblin comes running after you.
You jump
The abyss is too wide to jump across.
You jump
A staff (with the lizard)
A fat fish
A saxophone
A knife (sharpened)
A bottle (open)
A healing gun
A manual
A severed finger (with a ring)
A severed head top
A nosehairscrew (in your nose)

You are wearing:
Mirrorshades
Boxer shorts.

>"But boss, this abyss is too wide to jump across."
You throw Manual at the button
You throw the Creature Manual at the button. There is a click, and a narrow stone bridge shoots out from the west wall, just below the west ledge. The bridge extends until it meets the east wall, just below the east ledge.
You go east
You walk across the bridge.

The goblin runs across the bridge to the east ledge.
Look around
Commodious cave (on the east ledge)
A wide abyss fills almost the entire floor in this cave, with only two stone ledges to stand on. Both ledges go from the south end to the north end of the cave. One ledge comes out from the west wall, the other from the east wall.
An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. Another exit, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast.
A large button sticks up from the middle of the east ledge.
A narrow stone bridge goes from the east side of the room to the west, just below the ledges.

On the east ledge you can see the goblin sidekick.
You go northeast
Over-sized cave (on the west ledge)
This cave is almost identical to the previous, with an abyss, a west ledge and an east ledge.
An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. Another exit, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast.
A small catapult, about as tall as you, is standing on the west ledge, aimed towards the east ledge. You have come across this type of catapult before. They are very easy to use, just put something in it, and it will be shot out automatically before the catapult adjusts itself so that it is ready to shoot again. These catapults are no longer being sold due to the large number of accidents they have caused.
A large wooden crank sticks out from the east wall above the ledge.

The goblin comes running after you.
You enter catapult
The goblin reluctantly climbs into the catapult. He says, "Are you sure this is saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafe?" before smashing into the east wall. He slides down on the east ledge, as the catapult readjusts itself so that it is ready to shoot again.
You turn the crank
The goblin turns the crank. There is a click, and a narrow stone bridge shoots out from the west wall, just below the west ledge. The bridge extends until it meets the east wall, just below the east ledge.

The goblin runs across the bridge to the west ledge.
Go northeast
Cavernous cave (on the west ledge)
Once again it's an abyss, a west ledge and an east ledge.
An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. A metal door, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast.
A large wooden crank sticks out from the east wall above the ledge.

The goblin comes running after you.
You throw Manual at the crank
You throw the Creature Manual. It hits the crank before falling on the east ledge.
You hit the goblin with the staff
(the goblin sidekick with the staff)
The goblin sidekick vanishes.

The lizard appears on the west ledge.

You notice that the goblin sidekick is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.

The lizard crawls off in the direction you found it.
You throw the fish at the crank
You throw the fat fish. It hits the crank before falling on the east ledge.
You throw the staff at the fish
The staff smashes into the fat fish.

The fat fish vanishes.

The goblin sidekick appears on the east ledge.

The staff falls down on the east ledge.

You notice that the fat fish is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.
You turn the crank
The goblin turns the crank. There is a rumbling and the cave shakes. A vertical strip of light appears on the north wall. The strip widens into an opening. Light shines through it. It is an exit to the outside. The exit is reachable from the west ledge. The goblin looks perplexed. "I thought there was going to be a new bridge," he says. Then he looks a little scared. "Er, boss I hope you have a way of getting me off this ledge."
North
"After you boss."
You open the door
The goblin tries to open the door. "It is locked," he says. "And there is no key hole! Darnit, get me off this ledge right now!"
You give the staff to you
"But I don't have that."

>"But I don't have that."
You take the staff
The goblin takes the staff.
You throw the staff at the west ledge
The goblin throws the staff onto the west ledge.
You describe your surroundings
Cavernous cave (on the west ledge)
Once again it's an abyss, a west ledge and an east ledge.
An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. A metal door, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast. An exit to the outside, reachable from the west ledge, goes north.
A large wooden crank sticks out from the east wall above the ledge.

On the east ledge you can see:
Your goblin sidekick.
You go to the north
A narrow mountain ledge leading east. To the south is a tall mountain wall, with a cave.

You can see a pink-eyed hamster here.

The hamster manages to bite one of your toes. You scream and jump back.
You hit the hamster with the staff
The pink-eyed hamster vanishes.

The fat fish appears.

You notice that the pink-eyed hamster is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.
You go east
A narrow mountain ledge leading west. To the south is a tall mountain wall. A metal door leads southwest.
A red mailbox (for outgoing mail) is attached to the south wall.

A huge wooden crate stands here. Stamps have been attached to it, and somebody has written something on it. Guess it was too big to fit in the mailbox. It is closed.
You read 73
Is it bigger than a big rock?
Yes: read page 74
No: read page 75
You read 75
What kind of eyes does it have?
Pink: read page 76
Cute: read page 77
None: read page 78
You read 76
It is a Devil Hamster. These creatures have a bad reputation, and can be a little wild, but all they really need is love. Just pet it enough, and it will be your friend for life.
You read 77
It is an ?s?s?t Cat. They lack a digestive system and cannot eat. They derive their energy from people petting them. They are the third cutest creatures in the world. Fairly harmless, although people have been known to die from exhaustion after petting them too much.
You read 78
It is a Wigfield. These small hairy creatures form symbiotic relationships with bald or balding humans by clutching onto their heads. The humans then appear to have hair, whilst the Wigfield suck minuscule amounts of blood from them. Harmless.
You read the crate
"To: The king of Norway
The Norwegian Castle
Norway

From: Melvin Hippoman
Cave 7318
Treasure Cave Mountain.

Congratulations on your birthday old buddy!"

Hmmmmm. The Norwegian castle. It would probably have lots of treasures, if only there was some way you could get there.
You open the door
The door is locked.
You unlock door
What do you want to unlock the door with?
Open crate
You open the crate. It contains:
A small black book: "Beyond the Meaning of Life" by Marvin Bronchitis.

You wonder why somebody would use such a big crate to send such a small book.
You read the book
You flip through the book. Looks like philosophy. Hmmmm. Here is a logical proof that gods cannot exist! What utter rubbish! You have met several!

A gust of wind pushes the lid of the crate, and the crate closes.
Open crate
You open the crate. It contains:
A small black book: "Beyond the Meaning of Life" by Marvin Bronchitis.
You enter the crate
You get into the crate.

A gust of wind pushes the lid of the crate. The lid bounces into you, and moves back to where it was.
You wait
Time passes.
You wait
A gust of wind pushes the lid of the crate. The lid bounces into you, and moves back to where it was.
Lie
(on top of the crate)
But you are already in the crate.
You close the crate
Actually, the crate is not big enough to fit you when it is closed. It wouldn't even be big enough to fit the goblin.
Leave
You get out off the crate.

A gust of wind pushes the lid of the crate, and the crate closes.
You open the mailbox
Never mind the mailbox.
Go west
A narrow mountain ledge leading east. To the south is a tall mountain wall, with a cave.
You go south
Cavernous cave (on the west ledge)
Once again it's an abyss, a west ledge and an east ledge.
An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. A metal door, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast. An exit to the outside, reachable from the west ledge, goes north.
A large wooden crank sticks out from the east wall above the ledge.

On the east ledge you can see:
Your goblin sidekick.
You go to the south-west
Over-sized cave (on the east ledge)
This cave is almost identical to the previous, with an abyss, a west ledge and an east ledge.
An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. Another exit, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast.
A small catapult, about as tall as you, is standing on the west ledge, aimed towards the east ledge. You have come across this type of catapult before. They are very easy to use, just put something in it, and it will be shot out automatically before the catapult adjusts itself so that it is ready to shoot again. These catapults are no longer being sold due to the large number of accidents they have caused.
A large wooden crank sticks out from the east wall above the ledge.
A narrow stone bridge goes from the east side of the room to the west, just below the ledges.
You go southwest
Commodious cave (on the east ledge)
A wide abyss fills almost the entire floor in this cave, with only two stone ledges to stand on. Both ledges go from the south end to the north end of the cave. One ledge comes out from the west wall, the other from the east wall.
An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. Another exit, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast.
A large button sticks up from the middle of the east ledge.
A narrow stone bridge goes from the east side of the room to the west, just below the ledges.

This cave has exits to the southwest and northeast.
A large wooden crank sticks out from a wall.
A lizard as long as your arm is clutched to the wall, high above the crank, its head facing downwards. It has huge bulging eyes. It is red, orange, yellow, blue, purple, pink, brown, gray and black.
Go southwest
An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the west. There is another exit to the northeast. Someone has chiseled gaps into the cave wall, forming a primitive ladder leading up to a hole in the ceiling.
A table made from human skulls stands near the northeast exit. On the table stands a shimmering pink translucent cube and a small, rusty, holy grail.
A small round stage stands close to the table. It is apparently made from human faces frozen in terrible screams.
A small flamingo-headed man sits behind the table in a comfortable-looking armchair covered in obviously fake giraffe fur. He is wearing a jester's suit, including a ridiculous hat with bells on. He is staring at the pink cube.
An armadillo-headed woman in a white toga sits next to him on a barstool made from green shimmering flames. She is reading a small orange book called "The Myth of Economics".
A big pile of ashes lies next to her.
You give book to the woman
(the Beyond the Meaning of Life to the armadillo-headed woman)
The armadillo-headed woman takes the book and starts reading. She reads faster than you have ever seen anybody read before. "Hmmmmm," she mutters. "This is slightly less pathetic that I thought it would be." She quickly turns a few more pages. "But what's this? The author says the existence of gods is logically impossible. Ha!" She quickly reads through about twenty more pages and wrinkles her brow. "His arguments are pretty good though. Surely there must be a flaw in his logic somewhere?" She quickly reads through the rest of the book. "Nope, there wasn't." With a loud pop she disappears. Shortly afterwards the flames in her barstool die down.

There is a flickering image inside the cube. The flamingo-headed man giggles and says, "Some woman in Brazil just stepped on a beehive."
You look
An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the west. There is another exit to the northeast. Someone has chiseled gaps into the cave wall, forming a primitive ladder leading up to a hole in the ceiling.
A table made from human skulls stands near the northeast exit. On the table stands a shimmering pink translucent cube and a small, rusty, holy grail.
A small round stage stands close to the table. It is apparently made from human faces frozen in terrible screams.
A small flamingo-headed man sits behind the table in a comfortable-looking armchair covered in obviously fake giraffe fur. He is wearing a jester's suit, including a ridiculous hat with bells on. He is staring at the pink cube.
A big pile of ashes lies behind the table.
You stand on the stage
You get on the stage.

The flamingo-headed man turns around and looks at the stage.

Suddenly a palm tree appears on the stage. You begin to walk towards it. You can't control your body. You stand just underneath the tree. A coconut falls from the tree onto your head. The flamingo-headed man giggles. The palm tree and coconut vanish.
You wait
Time passes.

Suddenly a small black cloud appears, hovering somewhere above the other side of the stage. You begin to walk towards it. You can't control your legs. You stop when you are standing directly under the cloud. Lightning strikes down from the cloud and hits you. The flamingo-headed man giggles. The cloud vanishes.
Leave
You get off the stage.

The flamingo-headed man turns around and looks at the pink cube.
Is
A staff (with the hamster)
A fat fish
A saxophone
A knife (sharpened)
A bottle (open)
A healing gun
A manual
A severed finger (with a ring)
A severed head top
A nosehairscrew (in your nose)

You are wearing:
Mirrorshades
Boxer shorts.
You get the ashes
Never mind the ashes.
You play the sax
The unearthly blare spewing forth from the instrument is hideous beyond comprehension. Your bones shiver from the obvious evil infusing every resonance of the soul-quenching noise and you feel like the eldritch sounds tear your mind apart and play ping-pong with your sanity. You were never a big fan of saxophone music.

Suddenly a small black cloud appears, hovering somewhere above the other side of the stage. You begin to walk towards it. You can't control your legs. You stop when you are standing directly under the cloud. Lightning strikes down from the cloud and hits you. The flamingo-headed man giggles. The cloud vanishes.
Leave
You get off the stage.

The flamingo-headed man turns around and looks at the pink cube.

There is a flickering image inside the cube. The flamingo-headed man giggles and says, "Some woman in Russia just got hit in the head by a coco-nut."
You put the fish on the stage
As you put the fat fish on the stage, the faces start to wiggle. It looks quite creepy. This makes the fat fish slide down on the floor.
You touch the fish with the staff
The fat fish vanishes.

The hamster appears.

You notice that the fat fish is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.

The hamster runs up to you and bites you on the toe. Then it runs off in the direction you found it.
Go northeast
Commodious cave (on the west ledge)
A wide abyss fills almost the entire floor in this cave, with only two stone ledges to stand on. Both ledges go from the south end to the north end of the cave. One ledge comes out from the west wall, the other from the east wall.
An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. Another exit, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast.
A large button sticks up from the middle of the east ledge.
A narrow stone bridge goes from the east side of the room to the west, just below the ledges.

Over-sized cave (on the west ledge)
This cave is almost identical to the previous, with an abyss, a west ledge and an east ledge.
An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. Another exit, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast.
A small catapult, about as tall as you, is standing on the west ledge, aimed towards the east ledge. You have come across this type of catapult before. They are very easy to use, just put something in it, and it will be shot out automatically before the catapult adjusts itself so that it is ready to shoot again. These catapults are no longer being sold due to the large number of accidents they have caused.
A large wooden crank sticks out from the east wall above the ledge.
A narrow stone bridge goes from the east side of the room to the west, just below the ledges.
You enter the catapult
Nah, you figure you are just a tiny tad too heavy to be thrown across the abyss by the catapult.
Go northeast
Cavernous cave (on the west ledge)
Once again it's an abyss, a west ledge and an east ledge.
An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. A metal door, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast. An exit to the outside, reachable from the west ledge, goes north.
A large wooden crank sticks out from the east wall above the ledge.

On the east ledge you can see:
Your goblin sidekick.
Go north
A narrow mountain ledge leading east. To the south is a tall mountain wall, with a cave.
Go east
A huge wooden crate stands here. Stamps have been attached to it, and somebody has written something on it. Guess it was too big to fit in the mailbox. It is closed.
Open crate
You open the crate. It is empty.
You enter the crate
You get into the crate.
You hit yourself with staff
Suddenly you are somewhere else.

You are standing close to the center of a wonderful huge ballroom. There are exits in all directions, and there is an open window in the ceiling.
The biggest, gaudiest chandelier you have ever seen lights the room.
A birthday cake, which is taller than you, stands in a corner.
A banner hangs from wall to wall.
The fat queen of Norway stands near you. She looks rather bewildered. The princess of Finland is close by. She is holding a glass box with a small tag attached to it. Inside the box is a blue and pink bird.
A large silver cage stands right next to you. It has quite wide gaps between the bars, but not wide enough for a person to go through. A large tag is hanging from it. Inside the cage is a bat, which is larger than you.
Some guards stand in a circle around you. They are all holding crossbows.
A huge crowd is spread around the room. It consists of royalty, ambassadors and ministers, all dressed up in their finest clothes and many of them holding presents. They all look rather shocked.
The prime minister of Norway is being chased around the room by the hamster.

A mail-ordered short metal staff with a clear orb on the end lies here. Its manufacturers say the staff will remove any creature that comes in contact with the orb. Inside the orb you can see the fat king of Norway. He is now tiny and unmoving.

A huge wooden crate stands here. Stamps have been attached to it, and somebody has written something on it. It is open.

The prime minister runs out the southeast exit, followed by the hamster.
You get the staff
Taken.

The bat says, "Hey buddy! Seems like we are both in trouble. If you can get me out of this cage, I'll get you out of the castle!"
You read the tag
Which do you mean, the large tag or the small tag?
You read the large tag
"To the King of Norway
From the Duke of Brujljewjhutten
49 hoorays from me!"

One of the guards says, "Hva er det som skjer? Har kongen forvandle seg til denna fyren?"
You talk to the bat
"What am I supposed to do?" you ask.
"Get me out of this cage."

One of the guards says, "Nei, jeg tror kongen har forsvinni!"
You hit the bat with the staff
The bat vanishes.

The fat king of Norway appears inside the large cage.

You notice that the bat is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.

A man in the crowd screams "Det er revolusjonen!" Panic breaks out among the crowd, people shout and run away in all directions. The princess screams and escapes through the west exit. In her haste she drops the glass box, which shatters. The bird flies up and sits in the chandelier. The guards aim their crossbows at you.
You hit yourself with the staff
Suddenly you are somewhere else.

You are standing in the middle of a small dirty cell. The only light comes from a small window with bars. A wooden bench is attached to a wall. A couple of rats are scampering around. In front of you stand two guards. The first is holding a crossbow aimed at you. The other is holding your staff. Inside the orb you can see a rat, tiny and unmoving.
"Vi skj?nte nok ?ssen staven din virka!" says the first guard. "S? n? sitter'u i fella!"
"Ja!" says the other. "Du m? bli her ei hel uke! Ha-ha-ha!"
They leave through a massive iron door. It slams shut, and you can hear the sound of it being locked.
You hit the fish with staff
You lift the fish up to hit it with your staff. Suddenly one of the guards fires. The arrow hits the fish, which is pulled out of your hand. Both fish and arrow disappear out the northeast exit.
"Jeg trur han p?nska p? no' med den fisken!" says the guard that shot. "Ja!" says a couple of the other guards.

The king says, "?ffer er jeg her inne a?"
You throw the staff at the bird
You throw the staff. It hits the chandelier and falls down without hurting the bird.

A guard says, "Hva gj?r vi n? a?"
You hit the queen with the staff
The queen of Norway vanishes.

The bat appears.

You notice that the queen of Norway is inside the orb now, tiny and unmoving.

The bat says, "Hey, great going buddy! Now jump up on my back, and let's blow this joint!"
You climb onto the bat's back, holding onto his fur. The bat takes off, up towards the window. An arrow swishes past your head.
"Ah, drat!" says the bat and flies behind the chandelier.
Many arrows hit the chandelier. You look down. The guards have moved into the center of the room, right below the window, and they are shooting at you. The arrows keep hitting the chandelier, wich shakes. This apparently spooks the bird, and it takes off. For a moment it looks as if it is going to fly out the window, but then it starts flying in circles just below it.
The bat says, "We can't make it to the window, we'll be shot to death. We need to get rid of them guards!"
You cut the chandelier with the knife
Never mind the chandelier.

The bat says, "Buddy, we are in up to our necks in trouble. You better figure out something."
You play the sax
The unearthly blare spewing forth from the instrument is hideous beyond comprehension. Your bones shiver from the obvious evil infusing every resonance of the soul-quenching noise and you feel like the eldritch sounds tear your mind apart and play ping-pong with your sanity. You were never a big fan of saxophone music.

The arrows make the chandelier shake.
Is
A staff (with the queen)
A saxophone
A knife (sharpened)
A bottle (open)
A healing gun
A manual
A severed finger (with a ring)
A severed head top
A nosehairscrew (in your nose)

You are wearing:
Mirrorshades
Boxer shorts.
You pour the bottle on the guards
You can't do that from the bat's back.

The arrows make the chandelier shake.
You hit the bird with the staff
The bird vanishes.

The fat queen of Norway appears in the air, and immediately falls down right on top of the guards. They all go "Ompf!"

The bat laughs and flies out the window.
"Where to, buddy?" he asks.
"You know where Treasure Cave Mountain is?"
"Sure do, kid! Hang on!" the bat flaps his wings, and speeds up a lot. You really do have to hang on.

The trip takes a day and a night. On the way you get caught up in a hurricane, attacked by a flock of ducks, and hit by lightning. The lightning causes you to drop the staff, and it falls into a lake. After that the trip is eventless. Finally you can see Treasure Cave Mountain. You must have been gone several weeks, it is covered in snow!

The bat flies down and hovers next to the ledge on the north side of the mountain. You jump off.
"Anything else I can do for you buddy?" asks the bat.
"Well, there's this locked door..."
"Say no more, say no more." The bat grabs the door with his massive claws, flaps his wings and flies backwards. There is a terrible sound as the door is torn from its hinges. The bat drops the door; it disappears far below.
"Hey, thanks a lot!" you say.
"Yeah, thanks to you too! And good luck!" The bat waves a claw, and flies away.
You hear some moaning from the southwest.

A narrow mountain ledge leading west. To the south is a tall mountain wall. There is a cave to the southwest.
A red mailbox (for outgoing mail) is attached to the south wall.
The ground is covered in snow.
Go southwest
Cavernous cave (on the east ledge)
Once again it's an abyss, a west ledge and an east ledge.
An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. An exit to the outside, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast. An exit to the outside, reachable from the west ledge, goes north.
A large wooden crank sticks out from the east wall above the ledge.

The goblin sidekick is lying here, looking half dead and very thin.

"Goblin," you say. "how have you been?"
"You bastard! You left me here for all those weeks! I'm starving to death! Get me something to eat!"
You shoot the gun at Goblin
(the goblin sidekick)
You pull the trigger. A white ray shoots out of the gun and hits the goblin. The goblin smiles and wiggles his ears. He looks at his foot. "Hey, my toe fungus is gone!" he says.
You go to the northeast
A narrow mountain ledge leading west. To the south is a tall mountain wall. There is a cave to the southwest.
A red mailbox (for outgoing mail) is attached to the south wall.
The ground is covered in snow.
You go west
You are not testing The Pebble That Protects You From Falling Down From Really High Places this month. It was a complete scam anyway.
You go to the south-west
Cavernous cave (on the east ledge)
Once again it's an abyss, a west ledge and an east ledge.
An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. An exit to the outside, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast. An exit to the outside, reachable from the west ledge, goes north.
A large wooden crank sticks out from the east wall above the ledge.

The goblin sidekick is lying here, looking half dead and very thin.
You give finger to Goblin
(the goblin sidekick)
You can't give away things that are stuck on your body.
You give the severed finger to Goblin
(the goblin sidekick)
You give your severed finger to the goblin.

The goblin throws the finger into his mouth, briefly chews on it, then swallows it, ring and all. The goblin gets up and says, "I'm feeling much better now, boss!"
Go northeast
A narrow mountain ledge leading west. To the south is a tall mountain wall. There is a cave to the southwest.
A red mailbox (for outgoing mail) is attached to the south wall.
The ground is covered in snow.

The goblin comes running after you.
You go west
The goblin comes running after you.
Go south
Cavernous cave (on the west ledge)
Once again it's an abyss, a west ledge and an east ledge.
An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. An exit to the outside, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast. An exit to the outside, reachable from the west ledge, goes north.
A large wooden crank sticks out from the east wall above the ledge.

The goblin comes running after you.
Go southwest
Over-sized cave (on the east ledge)
This cave is almost identical to the previous, with an abyss, a west ledge and an east ledge.
An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. Another exit, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast.
A small catapult, about as tall as you, is standing on the west ledge, aimed towards the east ledge. You have come across this type of catapult before. They are very easy to use, just put something in it, and it will be shot out automatically before the catapult adjusts itself so that it is ready to shoot again. These catapults are no longer being sold due to the large number of accidents they have caused.
A large wooden crank sticks out from the east wall above the ledge.
A narrow stone bridge goes from the east side of the room to the west, just below the ledges.

The goblin comes running after you.

Commodious cave (on the east ledge)
A wide abyss fills almost the entire floor in this cave, with only two stone ledges to stand on. Both ledges go from the south end to the north end of the cave. One ledge comes out from the west wall, the other from the east wall.
An exit, reachable from the west ledge, leads southwest. Another exit, reachable from the east ledge, goes northeast.
A large button sticks up from the middle of the east ledge.
A narrow stone bridge goes from the east side of the room to the west, just below the ledges.

The goblin comes running after you.

This cave has exits to the southwest and northeast.
A large wooden crank sticks out from a wall.
A lizard as long as your arm is clutched to the wall, high above the crank, its head facing downwards. It has huge bulging eyes. It is red, orange, yellow, blue, purple, pink, brown, gray and black.

The goblin comes running after you.
You look
An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the west. There is another exit to the northeast. Someone has chiseled gaps into the cave wall, forming a primitive ladder leading up to a hole in the ceiling.
A table made from human skulls stands near the northeast exit. On the table stands a shimmering pink translucent cube and a small, rusty, holy grail.
A small round stage stands close to the table. It is apparently made from human faces frozen in terrible screams.
A small flamingo-headed man sits behind the table in a comfortable-looking armchair covered in obviously fake giraffe fur. He is wearing a Santa Claus suit. He is staring at the pink cube.
A beautifully decorated Christmas tree stands in a corner.

You can see the goblin sidekick here.
You get on the stage
The goblin gets on the stage.

The flamingo-headed man turns around and looks at the stage.

Suddenly a small cactus appears on the stage. The goblin walks up to it. Then he turns so that his back faces the cactus. He sits down on the cactus. He jumps up again howling with pain. The flamingo-headed man giggles. The cactus vanishes.
You get the grail
You quickly steal the grail while the flamingo-headed man is not looking.

Suddenly a large gorilla appears on the stage. The gorilla knocks the goblin over, then proceeds to jump up and down on the goblin's back. The flamingo-headed man giggles. The gorilla vanishes. The goblin gets up.

There is a flickering image inside the cube.
You get down
"I can't reach that from the stage."

Suddenly a rake appears, lying on the stage. The goblin walks towards it. He steps on it, so that the handle flies up and smashes him in the face. The flamingo-headed man giggles. The rake vanishes.
You ask Goblin,  to go outside
The goblin gets off the stage.

The flamingo-headed man turns around and looks at the pink cube.
You go west
A diamond the size of your chest lies in the middle of the cave. A tremendous light shines out from it and fills the entire cave.

The goblin comes running after you.
Go south
The goblin comes running after you.
Look around
This cave has an exit leading outside to the south, or you can go further into the mountain to the north.
A small fire is burning here.
A tough-looking dwarf, wearing chain mail and a helmet, is sitting on the floor near the fire. He is holding an axe almost as big as himself. He is chewing on a short bone.
The skeleton of a donkey is lying here.

You can see the goblin sidekick here.
You give the grail to the dwarf
The dwarf grabs the grail, stuffs it inside his chain mail, and pulls out five gold coins that he throws to you. He stomps out the fire. Then he walks away to the south.
Go north
An extremely bright light comes from an exit to the north. There is also an exit to the south.
A red automat, hundred of meters tall, stands in the middle of the cave. Despite the insane magnitude of the machine, its money-slot and buttons are normal-sized and placed at normal height. The merchandise-slot is also close to the floor, but huge enough to hold a horse. You have come across these automats before. Several companies have recently begun placing them in dangerous places, for adventurers who need equipment. They are easy to use; just buy something. Something is written on the automat next to the buttons.
A huge pile of fish bones lies near a wall.

The goblin comes running after you.
You buy the wheelbarrow
You put the coins in the slot and push the appropriate button. There is some rumbling from the machine. Then a wheelbarrow falls down in the slot, and bounces out onto the cave floor.
You put the diamond on the wheelbarrow
You put the diamond into the wheelbarrow. Afterwards it's only a matter of days before you have managed to transport the diamond back to the Adventurer's Consumer Guide's headquarters. Your mission is accomplished.
You go to the west
An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the east. It is terribly hot here. The intolerable temperature is almost certainly caused by the red-hot stone oven standing in a corner.
A stone table stands in the middle of the cave. Round it stands a stone throne with an old troll, a stone chair with a tall troll, a stone stool with a short troll, and a large stone. The trolls look a bit like humans made of stone, though with no necks, bigger jaws, smaller eyes and huge arms and hands. They are drinking lava from large stone mugs and playing some kind of card game.

The goblin comes running after you.

"Hey, what happened to the golem? you ask.
"Ur, remember when there was that terrible scream?" says a troll. "Right afterwards the golem just crumbled to dust."
You talk to old Troll
"That was a fun game," you say. The old troll sulks.
Go east
This cave has exits to the north, east, south and west.
A stone pedestal as tall as you stands in a corner.

There is a little blood here.

A diamond the size of your chest lies in the middle of the cave. A tremendous light shines out from it and fills the entire cave.

You can also see a wheelbarrow (which is empty) here.

The goblin comes running after you.
Go north
An extremely bright light comes from this cave's only exit to the south.
Some runes are written on the wall.
A hippoman, half man, half hippo, stands knitting something yellow. He is fat, purple and has two very thick legs. He is wearing your helmet and a yellow wool suit.
A young angry-looking woman wearing a yellow wool jacket and yellow wool gloves, stands holding a large placard saying "Save the carrot fairy!" She is clearly one of those monster rights activists that have been making your job so much harder lately.
The gremlin has climbed quite high up on the wall. He is a small green humanoid creature with pointy ears. He is wearing a tiny ring and a yellow woolen cap and is smoking a tiny cigarette.
A carrot with tiny wings flies around. Its arms and legs look like those of a human, only much smaller. It has no head or face. It is wearing a yellow woolen scarf. A steady shower of shimmering sparks falls from all over its body; each spark disappears before hitting the ground.
A large metal chest stands up against a wall. It is open and empty.
A large machine is at the back of the cave. Its mechanisms looks very complex. Actually it is very easy to use. You know this because on a previous product-testing mission you came across a machine just like it and spend four hours trying to figure out how it worked. The machine is for sharpening tools and weapons. Just put what you want sharpened into it and wait.

There is quite a lot of blood here.

The goblin comes running after you.
Go south
This cave has an exit leading outside to the south, or you can go further into the mountain to the north.
The skeleton of a donkey is lying here.

The goblin comes running after you.
Go south
The end of a narrow mountain ledge leading west. The tall mountain wall has three caves: to the northwest, north and northeast.
The ground is covered in snow.

The goblin comes running after you.
You stand on the teleporter
The goblin gets on the teleporter.

The sword makes the lever shake. The sound gets even louder. A few electrical sparks shoots up from the teleporter. The goblin giggles.
You stand on the teleporter
You get on the teleporter.

The sword makes the lever shake. The teleporter starts shaking and smoking. The cave begins to fade out around you, and another cave fades in.

This cave has an exit to the east. In the middle of the floor is a round hole.
A huge monster skeleton lies here, with an elf skeleton in its mouth.

The goblin begins to fade in next to you. You look down at yourself. You seem unsubstantial, like a ghost. Slowly you begin to take on a more solid form. Now you look normal.
You go to the northwest
You are not testing the Suspenders That Let You Walk Through Walls on this trip; that was seven months ago. Just as well, they stopped working very suddenly. You were stuck for a week. If those dwarves had decided to build their new mine anywhere else, you might never have gotten out.
You go to the east
This cave has exits to the west and northwest.
A goblin woman is standing here. She is wearing a medallion, winter boots, a long fur coat and a round fur hat. She is carrying a purse. You are not quite sure, but with her long ears, sharp yellow teeth, and big feet you think she is pretty cute by goblin standards. She is holding your magical crossbow.

The goblin comes running after you.

"Well, hello there!" says the female goblin and smiles.

"Uh, hi," says the goblin, his cheeks turning a darker shade of green. They seem distracted.
Go west
"Come along now," you say to the goblin as you leave.

This cave has an exit to the east. In the middle of the floor is a round hole.
A huge monster skeleton lies here, with an elf skeleton in its mouth.

The goblin reluctantly walks in from the east, throwing several glances over his shoulder.
You go to the northwest
This cave has an exit southeast to the outside, or you could go further into the mountain to the northwest.
A somewhat larger than life-size statue of his holiness One-Hand Jack stands in the middle of the cave. Jack used to be an infamous pirate, but later formed Hoverism, a peaceful religion. The statue holds its left arm out and up, the hook at the end of it just low enough to be reached. The statue's head is gone.
An old Hoverist is hovering about a meter above the floor. He is sitting in the lotus position, his head is turned towards the statue, and his eyes are closed. He is wearing a white loincloth. Somebody has hung some Christmas ornaments on him.
Several fragments from the safe are lying here.

Though you cannot see it, you know that a Hustlespleen & Poe Coat of Invisibility hangs on the hook. It is supposed to turn visible (or turn invisible again) whenever you say the magic word "tango".

The goblin comes running after you.
You take the ornaments
Never mind the Christmas ornaments.