Spring Cleaning
Roger Carbol
cover art easy fantasy I7 source available SpeedIF April 2008 tower
A down-on-his-luck commoner has been hired to clean the tower of the wizard Morkenmindan. Spring Cleaning was written as part of Spring 'Speed' IF during the last week of March, 2008. I say 'speed' because this game took something like 10 hours to write, which is still pretty speedy, really, as far as these things go. Dedicated to the memory of E. Gary Gygax.
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In April, three months after you bought the house, the snow finally melts and for the first time you see how your new garden really looks like. It's not that bad, actually; you probably don't need to do much to make it look really nice. Armed with a to-do list and an upbeat attitude you go to work.

This game is free software. See LICENSE for details.

The garden is such a nice little patch of green for a novice gardener like yourself. There's even a small fish pond. Flowers are already in full bloom in the flower bed and there's an empty patch ready for vegetables. The grass looks a bit dry.

There's also an old garden shed with a yard hydrant installed next to it.
You examine the pond
The pond is small but very beautiful..
Drink pond
No water, no thank you. No, fish make love in it.
Inventory
You're carrying a to-do list, a gold fish in a plastic bag, and some tomato seeds.
Xyzzy
Maybe in some fantastic realm a garden would take care of itself with appropriately chosen magic words. Unfortunately this is not one of those realms.
You read the list
It's a list of things that are easy to do to get you started:

- Plant the tomatoes
- Put the fish in the pond
- Water the lawn
You examine the flower bed
The flowers are petunias and poppies, you guess. At the moment there seem to be much more weeds than flowers in the flower bed.
You put the fish in the pond
The fish leaps from the plastic bag into the pond and starts to swim around in circles. In the spur of the moment you decide to name it "Wensleydale".
You look at the list
It's a list of things that are easy to do to get you started:

- Plant the tomatoes
- Put the fish in the pond (done!)
- Water the lawn
You get the weeds
You get on your knees and pull each weed carefully out around the flowers. It takes a good thirty minutes, but the result looks really nice. Never mind the aching fingers.
You examine the list
It's a list of things that are easy to do to get you started:

- Remove weeds from the flower bed (done!)
- Plant the tomatoes
- Put the fish in the pond (done!)
- Water the lawn
Plant seeds
You throw the tomato seeds evenly on the vegetable patch and spread some soil over them. That was easy.
You look at the list
It's a list of things that are easy to do to get you started:

- Remove weeds from the flower bed (done!)
- Plant the tomatoes (done!)
- Put the fish in the pond (done!)
- Water the lawn
You look at the hydrant
It's basically a pipe with a valve on it. The mouth part has a connection where a hose can be attached.
You open valve
You turn the valve and let some water pour out before you turn it off again. Looks like it works.
Look around
The garden is such a nice little patch of green for a novice gardener like yourself. There's even a small fish pond where Wensleydale is splashing around. Flowers are already in full bloom in the flower bed - now without any weeds - and the tomatoes are growing in the vegetable patch. The grass looks a bit dry.

There's also an old garden shed with a yard hydrant installed next to it.
You open the shed
Let's not make things too hard, eh? Just GO INSIDE.
You go inside
You go inside the garden shed.

It's a delightful little shed even though it has seen better days. Wear and tear just adds to the charm. The walls have been plastered with newspapers and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.

An orange garden hose is hanging from a holder in the wall.
You take the hose
On closer inspection it's not newspaper after all but pages torn from books. From Jack Mills pocket books, to be precise.

Taken.
You read the pages
"The slammer was a depressing mixture of displeasing white and uncaring gray. I walked past the empty cells listening to the steady click-clack of my steps echoing from the walls. In the last cell I found Professor Humphrey..."

No wonder someone wanted to plaster it on the walls.
You examine the junk
The boxes are full of various junk, some related to gardening and some not. None of them are originally yours, the previous owner left them here for you to take care of.
Go outside
This dangerous act would achieve little.

You return to the garden.

The garden is such a nice little patch of green for a novice gardener like yourself. There's even a small fish pond where Wensleydale is splashing around. Flowers are already in full bloom in the flower bed - now without any weeds - and the tomatoes are growing in the vegetable patch. The grass looks a bit dry.

There's also an old garden shed with a yard hydrant installed next to it.
You attach the hose to the hydrant
With some effort you screw the other end of the hose to the hydrant.
You open valve
You carefully hose the entire lawn and turn the water off when you're done. In your eyes the grass is already looking much greener!

Well, that was the last chore and everything is now done! Looks like you are better at this than you even imagined!

No, wait, what's that mound right in the middle of the garden? Ugh, it's a molehill. Better hose the bugger out while you're at it before the entire garden gets full of those.
You look at the molehill
It's a small pile of dirt.
Hose molehill
It wouldn't help just to wash the mound away. You need to flood the tunnels.
You put the hose in the molehill
You tuck the end of the hose inside the mole hill.
You open valve
You approach the hydrant and see a little cuddly bunny by the shed. "Oh, how delightful!" you exclaim. The bunny scurries away.

You turn the valve and a spray of water from the hose soaks you through. You cut the water quickly. The bunny must've had a taste of the hose.

Bother.
You look at the list
It's a list of things that are easy to do to get you started:

- Remove weeds from the flower bed (done!)
- Plant the tomatoes (done!)
- Put the fish in the pond (done!)
- Water the lawn (done!)
You look at the molehill
It's a small pile of dirt. The other end of the hose is tucked inside.
Go inside
You go inside the garden shed again.

The shed is in poor shape, but it's your own little shed. The walls have been plastered with pages from books and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.

Now let's see... There, right on top of a box, is a roll of silvery duct tape.
You take tape
Taken.
You go outside
You return to the garden.

The garden is a tiny patch of green where Wensleydale is splashing around in the pond and the flowers are in full bloom in the flower bed. The tomato seeds have been planted in the vegetable patch.

The old garden shed has a yard hydrant installed next to it. The garden hose is attached to the hydrant and the other end is tucked inside the molehill.

A lonely crow lands on the vegetable patch. It pecks around the soil for a bit, then two others arrive. They start digging and eating the tomato seeds.

"Hey! Get out of there, you little pests!" you scream but the birds ignore you.

Bother.
You scare crows
You approach the vegetable patch and the crows fly off. They return right after you've moved two paces away.
Patch hose
You roll a few layers of tape arond the leaking spot. It looks like it could hold now.
You open valve
You turn the valve and water starts to flow underground. You decide to leave it on for a while, just to be sure.
Wait
Time passes.
You pull the hose
You are unable to.
You take the hose
You're carrying a to-do list.

It should stay until the mole is thoroughly hosed out.
Wait
You go inside the garden shed again.

The shed is in poor shape, but it's your own little shed. The walls have been plastered with pages from books and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.

Let's see... Yes, there should be something useful here for this situation.

You can see a coverall and a rake here.

Time passes.
You take all
coverall: Taken.
rake: Taken.
Go outside
You return to the garden.

The garden is a tiny patch of green where Wensleydale is splashing around in the pond and the flowers are in full bloom in the flower bed. The tomato seeds have been planted in the vegetable patch.

The old garden shed has a yard hydrant installed next to it. The garden hose is attached to the hydrant and the other end is tucked inside the molehill.

Some crows are eating away the tomato seeds you just planted.

What the... The weeds have resurrected themselves and fill the flower bed again!

Goddamnit.
You examine coverall
It's a smallish dark green coverall. It has seen a lot of use.
You put the coverall on rake
You put the rake inside the coverall to support it and you have yourself a makeshift scarecrow. Hopefully it works.
You drop the scarecrow
You stick the scarecrow in the middle of the vegetable patch. The crows fly away and - they aren't returning! Hooray!

The scarecrow is already here.
You take the weeds
You pull one weed out and sigh. This is never going to work without heavier armament.
You check what you're carrying
You're carrying a to-do list.
Go inside
You go inside the garden shed again.

The shed is in poor shape, but it's your own little shed. The walls have been plastered with pages from books and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.

There in the corner is a bright red bottle of herbicide with a skull printed on it. Excellent.
You take the herbicide
Taken.
You drink the herbicide
Yes, that would probably be a good way to get rid of unwanted intestines.
You read it
"Do not consume. Extremely corrosive. Blah blah blah."
Go outside
You return to the garden.

The garden is a tiny patch of green where Wensleydale is splashing around in the pond and the flowers are in full bloom in the flower bed. The tomato seeds have been planted in the vegetable patch.

The old garden shed has a yard hydrant installed next to it. The garden hose is attached to the hydrant and the other end is tucked inside the molehill.

You hear Wensleydale splash about in the pond.
You pour herbicide on the weed
(the weeds)
You pop the cap from the weedkiller that greets you with a gust of poisonous fumes. "Ha! Ha! HA! HAHA! HA!" you scream as you pour the stuff on those demonic parasites. Let's see them come back to life now!

The weeds die spectacularly, whithering as soon as the herbicide hits them. War is not without casualities, as you soon find out - the flowers can't take the heat and they turn into shriveled mounds of organic mass.

You look at the flower bed and muse your Pyrrhic victory.
You examine the flowers
The flowers are petunias and poppies, you guess.

Wensleydale splashes the water again, a bit louder this time.
You examine the pond
Hngaah! It's not Wensleydale that's splashing but the neighbour's cat who's trying to catch him! Shoo, cat, shoo!

F%#?!
You take the cat
"Here, pus pus pus..."

You approach the cat, trying to grab it to carry it away from the pond. She sees you approaching, hisses, and makes a daring leap towards you.

She lands straight on your face and takes hold with all four legs. The beast drives its claws in the neck and the back of your head. "Mmmph hmmh mph!" you swear.
You throw cat
You would, but mouse-breath is still facehugging you.
You hit the cat
You wave your arms in the general direction of your face (where the cat is), but it just makes the furry assailant to grab a tighter hold.
You take the cat
Technically, you already have her.
You go inside
How? The feline abdomination has blindfolded you with her own furry body.
Kiss cat
"NO!" the cat yells and claws at your right ear. (It might've also been "meow".)
You jump
"Meow," the cat says as you struggle to get free.
You jump
"Mhbh!" you exclaim when your attempts are buggered by the blinding grasp of the beast.
You jump
You stumble and nearly lose balance when the cat scratches you again.
You jump
"NO!" the cat yells and claws at your left ear. (It might've also been "meow".)
You pull the cat
You take a good grip of the little bastard and yank her out of your face. Her final loot is a bunch of hair and a good amount of freshly scraped skin. The cat jumps on the ground and runs off.

You glance at the vegetable patch where the crows are back, with a couple of friends of theirs. It looks as if a some  of them are actually laughing at the scarecrow. Laughing. At the scarecrow. Laughing.

You don't say anything. Your left eye twitches.
You go inside
You go inside the garden shed again.

The dark and rotting shed is just about as awful as you can imagine. The walls have been plastered with pages from books and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.

There has to be something here yet that will save the day! Has to be something!
You search the junk
You rummage through the boxes, trying to find some magic tool that will make all go better. There is nothing there.
You look around
The dark and rotting shed is just about as awful as you can imagine. The walls have been plastered with pages from books and there are several boxes full of miscellaneous junk.
Go outside
You sigh and return to the garden.

It's the garden of pain. The fish is hopefully still alive, the flowers most certainly are not. It's doubtful if there are any seeds left in the vegetable patch.

The old garden shed has a yard hydrant installed next to it. The garden hose is attached to the hydrant and it runs inside the molehill.

Some crows are eating away the tomato seeds you just planted.

The ground erupts into four or five geysirs, sprouting water from the underground mole tunnels.

The bunny returns and chews on the remaining flora.

The cat is back prowling about for Wensleydale by the pond.

***

You close your eyes.
You wake up
That's very hard to do with eyes closed.
Close valve
It should stay until the mole is thoroughly hosed out.
You open eyes
You open your eyes and behold! A paradise unfolds in front of your eyes! The flowers are blooming, the grass is a gleaming green carpet where butterflies chase each other and stop only to rest in sparkling waters of a beautiful yard pond. It is the perfect embodiment of a spring garden.

"You have a very beautiful garden, Mrs. Salines," you tell your next door neighbour who is watering her petunias on the other side of the fence. "WHY DOES MINE LOOK LIKE THE AFTERMATH OF A CARPET BOMBING?" You can feel your blood pressure throbbing a vein in your forehead.

Mrs. Salines laughs jovially. "My dear, you just need a bit of patience! You can't expect perfect results right away," she tells you. "Come, I'll make us some tea and then we'll go have a look at your garden."

You feel a bit better.
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(For more information about this game, type ABOUT.)

Before you, to the north, stands Morkenmindan's Mediocre Manor.
You've been hired to clean up the place; if the condition of the building is any indication, you should get started as quickly as possible.

A slovenly trull walks past.
About you
You're Bellylad Barrelhouse. When your parents were killed by a rampaging housecat, you and your brother Gutboy set off in search of adventure. Now he's famous and you're stuck as a common labourer.
But it could be worse; at least you're not a saucy tart.
You go to the north
First impressions are very important, so foyers are often the grandest rooms in a building. If this is the most impressive room in the manor, then you've got a long, long day ahead of you. Open archways stand to the north, west, and east.

You can see a sack of gobbling, a pile of old newspapers and a letter here.
You read the letter
Get rid of all this junk. Toss it all into the sack of gobbling
(mind your fingers.)

There's a couple of shiny silvers in it for you.
You examine the newspapers
A heap of old newspapers, most apparently never read. It's junk.
You put it in the sack
You manage to stuff the pile of old newspapers into the sack, which makes a strange NOM NOM NOM sound, and then belches. It seems to be empty again.
You look around
First impressions are very important, so foyers are often the grandest rooms in a building. If this is the most impressive room in the manor, then you've got a long, long day ahead of you. Open archways stand to the north, west, and east.

You can see a letter here.
You go north
The kitchen is monumentally filthy. You look for some place to start -- a grubby teacup to pour down the sink, perhaps -- but give up in despair. An archway to the south affords you an escape from the stench. There's also a door to a pantry or something, to the east.

You can see a spatula and a stack of dishes here.
You examine the dishes
At one point, in the prehistoric past, these dishes were probably pretty nice. Now they look like they could provide a clear picture of Morkenmindan's diet for the last twenty years by way of a core sample. They're junk.
You put the dishes in the sack
You manage to stuff the stack of dishes into the sack, which makes a strange NOM NOM NOM sound, and then belches. It seems to be empty again.
Look around
The kitchen is monumentally filthy. You look for some place to start -- a grubby teacup to pour down the sink, perhaps -- but give up in despair. An archway to the south affords you an escape from the stench. There's also a door to a pantry or something, to the east.
You open the door
It seems to be locked.

It seems to be locked.
Go east
You recognize the peculiar odour of the dreaded cockatrice as soon as you enter. There don't seem to be any around at the moment, though. The foyer's back to the west.

You can see a statue here.
You look at the statue
Seems like this poor fellow came into unfortunate contact with a cockatrice. Must have been some time ago, as his nose seems to have eroded right off, and most of his fingers are snapped off. It's a big chunk of junk.
You take the statue
It must weigh a ton! Maybe some bar-bending, gate-lifting goon could carry it, but not you.
You put the sack on the statue
You slip the sack over the statue's head. The sack, slowly but surely, devours it from head to toe, making horrible grinding GRGRRNOOoOOMGRGG noises all the while. At last, it is done, and rests, momentarily satiated, on the floor.
You look at your surroundings
You recognize the peculiar odour of the dreaded cockatrice as soon as you enter. There don't seem to be any around at the moment, though. The foyer's back to the west.
Go west
First impressions are very important, so foyers are often the grandest rooms in a building. If this is the most impressive room in the manor, then you've got a long, long day ahead of you. Open archways stand to the north, west, and east.
You go to the west
This smallish room is filled by a staircase which leads up to... well, nowhere, actually. Its only purpose is to entrap intruders, which it seems to have done with lethal efficiency. They must have entered from the east.

You can see some gory remains here.
You take the remains
You scoop up the gory remains, eventually, with the spatula.
You look at what you're carrying with you
You are carrying:
a spatula full of gory remains
a sack of gobbling
a letter
You eat the spatula
Ewww. Leave that to the sack.
You put spatula in the sack
You manage to stuff the spatula full of gory remains into the sack, which makes a strange NOM NOM NOM sound, and then belches. It seems to be empty again.
You check what you're carrying
You are carrying:
a sack of gobbling
a letter

The sack begins to shake terribly. With a violent shudder, it suddenly coughs up a small object, which lands on the floor nearby.
Look around
This smallish room is filled by a staircase which leads up to... well, nowhere, actually. Its only purpose is to entrap intruders, which it seems to have done with lethal efficiency. They must have entered from the east.

You can see an electrum key here.
You unlock the door with the electrum key
You unlock the pantry door.
You open the door
You open the pantry door.
You go east
It seems slightly cleaner up here; maybe Morkenmindan is too lazy to lug a bunch of garbage up the stairs. The "pantry" door is to the west; the rest of the floor is to the south.
You go south
Egads -- any notions you might have had that this floor would be easier to clean than the one below have been completely shattered. There are bottles and vials everywhere, probably full of the most dangerous poisons known.

You can see a cauldron here.
You look in the cauldron
This immense cast-iron cauldron is big enough to take a bath in. It's perched somewhat precariously on its three small legs. It's full of a roiling mixture of alchemical reagents, half-dissolved pieces of monster, and other noxious goo. It's bio-hazardous junk.
You take the cauldron
It must weigh two tons! Maybe a couple of bar-bending, gate-lifting goons could carry it, but not you.
You pour the cauldron in the sack
As carefully as you can, you tip the cauldron a bit and start pouring its contents into the gaping maw of the sack of gobbling. It seems to quaff down the horrible mixture with relish. As it finishes, you lose your grip on the cauldron and it crashes to the floor. Behind it you see a couple of potions that had previously escaped your notice.

You hear the front door of the tower open.
You get all
potion of debigulization: Taken.
potion of embiggening: Taken.
empty cauldron: It still must weigh two tons! Maybe a couple of bar-bending, gate-lifting goons could carry it, but not you.
You look at the embiggening
This potion bottle contains a swirling red liquid. It is labelled "EMBIGGENING".

You hear the front door slam shut.
You go north
It seems slightly cleaner up here; maybe Morkenmindan is too lazy to lug a bunch of garbage up the stairs. The "pantry" door is to the west; the rest of the floor is to the south.
Go west
The kitchen is monumentally filthy. You look for some place to start -- a grubby teacup to pour down the sink, perhaps -- but give up in despair. An archway to the south affords you an escape from the stench. There's also a door to a pantry or something, to the east.

You see Morkenmindan walk into the kitchen.

Morkenmindan says to you, "I suppose, Bellylad, that my Manor is in slightly better condition than when I left this morning." He reaches into a hidden pocket in his robe. "As promised, your just reward," he says as he drops a couple of silver pieces into your hand. "Try not to spend them all in one place."
Drink debigulization
You quaff the potion and find the room, and everything in it, growing rapidly! Or perhaps you're just getting smaller. Much smaller. You drop everything you're holding and soon find yourself looking up at your former possessions.

You hear someone moving through the kitchen.
Go west
It would take you forever to walk anywhere because you're so small.

You hear someone ascending the staircase.

Morkenmindan strolls around, examining the effectiveness of your cleaning. Unfortunately for you, he crushes you underfoot without even noticing."
You look at your surroundings
Egads -- any notions you might have had that this floor would be easier to clean than the one below have been completely shattered. There are bottles and vials everywhere, probably full of the most dangerous poisons known.

You can see an empty cauldron here.
You look at the cauldron
The cauldron now lies on its side, emitting a thin wisp of vapour.

You hear someone moving through the kitchen.
You put the bottle in the sack
Which do you mean, the potion of embiggening or the potion of debigulization?
Embiggening
You feed the potion to the sack, and suddenly it is growing larger; soon it is too large to even hold on to.

You hear someone ascending the staircase.
You put the sack on the cauldron
You need to be holding the sack of gobbling before you can put it on top of something else.

Morkenmindan enters his laboratory.

Morkenmindan says to you, "I suppose, Bellylad, that my Manor is in slightly better condition than when I left this morning." He reaches into a hidden pocket in his robe. "As promised, your just reward," he says as he drops a couple of silver pieces into your hand. "Try not to spend them all in one place."
You get the sack
Taken.

Morkenmindan enters his laboratory.

Morkenmindan says to you, "I suppose, Bellylad, that my Manor is in slightly better condition than when I left this morning." He reaches into a hidden pocket in his robe. "As promised, your just reward," he says as he drops a couple of silver pieces into your hand. "Try not to spend them all in one place."
Look around
Egads -- any notions you might have had that this floor would be easier to clean than the one below have been completely shattered. There are bottles and vials everywhere, probably full of the most dangerous poisons known.

You can see an empty cauldron here.

You hear the front door slam shut.
Drink embiggening
You quaff the potion and find the room, and everything in it, shrinking rapidly! Or perhaps you're just getting larger. Much larger. Your body soon crushes everything else in the room, and you're barely able to move.

When Morkenmindan finds you, he is impressed by neither your length nor your girth.
You put embiggening in the sack
You feed the potion to the sack, and suddenly it is growing larger; soon it is too large to even hold on to.
You enter sack
This place is eerily dark, and you feel surrounded by countless teeth.

You can see a tunnel of light here.

The walls of the sack begin to tremor unnervingly.
You enter the tunnel
You enter the circle of light in the nick of time, as the sack finishes constricting around you. You feel yourself falling for a moment into the light, and then find yourself in...

Sunlight gently illuminates the grassy meadows, verdant forests, and sparkling brooks of this idyllic paradise.

Awww... some jerk has dumped a bunch of garbage all over the place here. You suppose, as you begin to clean up the place, that there's no escaping destiny...
You wait
Time passes.

The sack is beginning to constrict around you.
You wait
Time passes.

The sack has constricted so much it is difficult to move.
You wait
Time passes.

The sack has gobbled you up.