Being Andrew Plotkin
J. Robinson Wheeler
cheese cover art film references humor IF community references IF Competition 2000 IFComp Game linear Multiple clubfloyd transcripts multiple protagonists office walkthrough Xyzzy Awards 2000 XYZZY Best Game XYZZY Best NPCs
Zarf? you think to yourself. Could it be? The one and only Zarf? Xyzzy Award winner? IF Competition winner? The mighty Inscruitable One? Gosh. What it must be like to be Zarf... You begin to crawl forward, the tunnel floor oozing and pliable under your knees and palms. The secret door bangs shut and disappears. The tunnel begins to shiver, and from up ahead a roar like a waterfall issues from the darkness.
%
At last, your troubled fortunes seemed to come to an end. It all happened very quickly: the callback from Red Hat, the bizarre interview with Human Resources, the handshake, the filling out of W-2 forms, and then your first day of work.

This bleak room with its short, slumping ceiling does nothing to brighten your morale. Short file cabinets, marked in reverse alphabetical order, crawl in a line along the walls like an army of stupid robots. One measly window lets in a tiny square of sunlight.

You see a copier machine here.
About you
You're Peter Feeney, a bright young guy with a healthy self-image. You do feel that life hasn't brought you the success and fame that you deserve, but that will come with time, in your humble opinion.
You examine the window
(the window)
The window faces out to the north, getting a good view of the Red Hat corporate campus and the beautiful Research Triangle Park scenery. The window is closed.
Xyzzy
[Hit any key.]
For old time's sake.

[Hit any key.]
File Room
This bleak room with its short, slumping ceiling does nothing to brighten your morale. Short file cabinets, marked in reverse alphabetical order, crawl in a line along the walls like an army of stupid robots. One measly window lets in a tiny square of sunlight.

You see a copier machine here.
You look at the copier
The copier has a lid which covers a big pane of glass, and a panel with buttons. The big green button makes copies. That's all you've ever needed to push on it. In fact, your annoying supervisor, Melvin Prufrock, impressed upon you, at stammering length, how temperamental the machine is, and how expensive copier repair guys are. Bah.
You examine the cabinets
The file cabinets are marked in reverse alphabetical order: cabinet Z, cabinet Z-Y, cabinet X-Y, etc.
Examine z.
File cabinet Z takes documents from Zz-Ze.
You examine the Z-y
File cabinet Z-Y takes documents from Za-Yi.
You look in the z.
Inside you see filed documents.
Look around
This bleak room with its short, slumping ceiling does nothing to brighten your morale. Short file cabinets, marked in reverse alphabetical order, crawl in a line along the walls like an army of stupid robots. One measly window lets in a tiny square of sunlight.

You see a copier machine here.
You open the copier
You open the lid.
Go outside
You have to stay on the job.
You open the window
(the window)
You open the window.
You look out the window
(the window)
You find nothing of interest.
Exit window
(the window)
You have to stay on the job.
File file
Which do you mean, the file cabinets, the Z cabinet, the Z-Y cabinet, the Y-X cabinet or the other cabinets?
You look at Y-X
File cabinet Y-X takes documents from Ye-Xa.
You open y-X
You open the Y-X cabinet.
You look in it
Inside you see filed documents.
You open the Z-y
The Z-Y cabinet drawer seems to be stuck. Not locked, just kind of not moving very easily.
You pull the Z-the y.
Melvin, your supervisor, gangles into the room. With his elongated height and pasty, translucent skin, he looks like the big funky alien at the end of "Close Encounters," only more puppet-like. He approaches you cautiously. Even though he's your boss, he always seems to be intimidated by you.

"H-hi, Peter," he says.

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: Oh, hi Melvin.
2: Go away, idiot.
1
You say, "Oh, hi Melvin."

Melvin swallows, his dry throat making a thwupping noise that really turns your stomach. "Mmm. Making some copies there?" he asks.

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: No, I'm hacking into NORAD and launching Global Thermonuclear War. 2: Yeah, pictures of Valerie's butt. Wanna see?
3: (sigh) Yes, Melvin. I'm making copies. What's up?
3
You say, "(sigh) Yes, Melvin. I'm making copies. What's up?"

Melvin fiddles with a small stack of folders in his sweaty hands. "I was wondering, um. Are you busy?"

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: Yes. I'm terribly busy. You'll have to come back later.
2: What is it you want, Melvin?
2
You say, "What is it you want, Melvin?"

"I was wondering if you could sort these for me," he says, handing you the folders. There are sweat stains on them. Stifling the urge to make a comment, you adjust your grip to touch only the dry spots.
You examine the stains
They're just sweat stains. Kind of large sweat stains. In fact, they're not just everyday sweat stains. They smell kind of funny, too.

Melvin fidgets, waiting for you to finish.
You look at the folders
The folders are a stack of about thirty plain folders, currently unsorted.

Melvin fidgets, waiting for you to finish.
You read the folders
You flip through the folders, but none of it interests you.

Melvin fidgets, waiting for you to finish.
Smell stains
They smell funkily sweet, almost like antifreeze. Melvin must have been working on his car this morning or something.

Melvin fidgets, waiting for you to finish.
Goodbye
Please use >TALK TO PLAYER to interact in this game.

Melvin fidgets, waiting for you to finish.
You talk to Melvin
You can't think of anything in particular to say.

Melvin fidgets, waiting for you to finish.
You sort folders
You're actually pretty much of a whiz at sorting, which might be why you got the job you did. "Time me," you tell Melvin, and 13 seconds later you're done.
You examine Melvin
Melvin Prufrock is a thin, translucent looking individual, with tics and other twitchy mannerisms passing for a personality. He is insanely tall, approaching six foot eight, but probably only weighs 130 pounds with clothes on. You don't even want to consider what he's like without clothes on. He also looks like he's about six years younger than you are, so about nineteen, and yet he's several rankings above you on the ladder.

Melvin fidgets, waiting for you to finish.
You give the folders to Melvin
You start to hand them to Melvin, but he starts making a choking noise. You realize he's trying to tell you that you've sorted them into the wrong order again. For whatever reason, they like to use reverse alphabetical order in this company. Go figure.
You sort the folders
You re-sort the folders, taking only 11 seconds this time.
You give the folders to Melvin
Melvin says, "Excellent. You're really amazing at this. Oh, and could you file them now? I guess that's really what I was after." Without even giving you a chance to say no, Melvin hustles away. You swear you almost hear his bones clacking together when he moves that fast.
File folders
Well, let's see. The Z's are on top. The first one is labeled, "Zefferelli," so it should probably go into the Z cabinet.
You open the z cabinet
You open the Z cabinet.
You put Zefferelli in it
You stick the Zefferelli folder into cabinet Z and close the drawer.
File folders
(the sorted folders)
Well, let's see. The Z's are on top. The first one is labeled, "Zarf: Classified," so it should probably go into the Z-Y cabinet.
You read Zarf
(the sorted folders)
Eagerly, you flip open the "Zarf: Classified" folder, only to find that it contains a top secret patent application for the design of a new improved type of cup holder.
You pull the Z-the y.
Man, this cabinet is really stuck shut. Better try again. This time, with feeling.

You feel a faint cool breath of air.
You pull the Z-the y.
You give the stuck cabinet drawer the old heave-ho, and instead of merely opening, it yanks loose from the wall, revealing a strange, small door in the wall!
You examine the door
The strange secret door is only about three feet high, and painted a shade of crimson. Gold flecks in the paint give it a sparkly, almost magical appearance.
You feel the air
It seems to be coming from the secret door.
You take the air
That's hardly portable.
You put Zarf inthe z -y.
(the sorted folders in the Z-Y cabinet)
You stick the Zarf folders into cabinet X-Y and close the drawer.
You open the door
A hush of ancient air, tinged with organic sweetness, flows out of the opened portal.
Smell air
The air smells like old books, soft leather, caramel, and just a hint of cinnamon muffins.
File folders
Well, let's see. The Y's are on top. The first one is labeled, "Y2," so it should probably go into the Y-X cabinet.
You open y-X
That's already open.
You put y2 in the Y-the x.
You stick the Y2 folder into cabinet X-Y and close the drawer.
File folders
[BUG - wrong folder in player ]
You check what you're carrying
You are carrying:
some folders
You examine the folders
The folders are a stack of about thirty plain folders, currently sorted intoreversealphabetical order.
You enter door
You pass through the portal into a dark tunnel, which sighs with melodic longing as you enter.

You are on your hands and knees in a claustrophobic tunnel. It leads down, as nearly as you can tell, but your equilibrium is distorted in here. The curving walls gleam with the semblance of wet rock, but the palms of your hands tell a different story. It feels like organic tissue, a thick layer of hide, with the elastic strength of muscle. Like sharkskin, it is silken and slick in one direction but resists any backwards movement with a roughened grain.
Go inside
You begin to crawl forward, the tunnel floor oozing and pliable under your knees and palms. The secret door bangs shut and disappears. The tunnel begins to shiver, and from up ahead a roar like a waterfall issues from the darkness. Your hands suddenly lose traction as gravity begins its quickening pull. You begin to slide down... down... down...

-- glaring light...

[Hit any key.]
B E I N G  A N D R E W  P L O T K I N

Type ABOUT for information about this release.

At Zarf's Desk (in Zarf's head)
Weird! You're inside Zarf's head!You see the opening of Zarf's eyes, giving you a sort of bifocal window into the surrounding environment. Outside of Zarf, you see a workdesk containing a gigantic computer monitor, a keyboard, tidy arrangements of notes, and a collection of little toys and knick-knacks.

Inside of Zarf's head, you see weird flashes of light. A number of eerie sounds float around. You presume these effects are caused by the random firing of synapses in a very active mind. There are no exits that you can perceive.

Zarf types some code into his computer.
Examine monitor
The gigantic computer monitor is displaying a lot of complicated programming code.

Zarf types more code into his computer, then saves the file.
You read the code
You are suddenly humbled by the awareness that you don't know the first thing about professional programming, because you can't tell what this code does, even though it looks quite organized, efficient, and well-commented.

Zarf compiles his code.
You examine the toys
There are little colored shapes and game pieces, a couple of metal cubes sitting next to each other. There is a larger, third cube, an elaborate assemblage of puzzle pieces, plated with gold.

Zarf traces down a typo, saves again, and recompiles.
You examine the notes
Beyond the fact that they're tidy, you can't really read what's written on them from here.

Zarf takes a drink out of a glass.
About yourself
You're Peter Feeney, a bright young guy with a healthy self-image. You do feel that life hasn't brought you the success and fame that you deserve, but that will come with time, in your humble opinion.

Zarf says, "It's in *California*?" His voice echoes, deep and resonantly, through his head.
You examine the light
Inside of Zarf's head, you see weird flashes of light. A number of eerie sounds float around. You presume these effects are caused by the random firing of synapses in a very active mind. There are no exits that you can perceive.

Zarf types some more code into his computer.
You touch light
Nothing seems to have any real substance here, although it's hard to tell if it's your imagination or Zarf's.
You examine the voice
-- glaring light...

[Hit any key.]

Suddenly, you are falling from a somewhat drastic height at the usual 9.8 meters per second squared. Your acceleration and velocity are halted when a large hedge on the Red Hat campus grounds rushes up to catch you.

Spiny, poky leaves weed their way through your clothing and stab you in uncomfortable and sensitive places.
Look around
Spiny, poky leaves weed their way through your clothing and stab you in uncomfortable and sensitive places.
You leave
Peter climbs out of the hedge. Meanwhile, back upstairs...

Kitchenette (as Valerie)
The kitchenette is a bland little room with rose print wallpaper and the constant smell of coffee and orange rinds. You do your best to keep the place tidy, but of course that's impossible with the 300 pound gorillas, also known as "co-workers," who sling their hairy bulk through here every day, leaving an unsightly mess. Since it's still morning, you can stand to look at the place without getting out the sponge and cleaning up. A coffee maker burbles in the corner.

Melvin rotates into your field of view one awkward angle at a time. He bangs his akimbo elbows on the sides of the doorframe, making a horrible clanking noise on the metal. It doesn't seem to faze him.

"Hey there, beautiful," he says in a syrupy voice.

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: Hi, Melvin.
2: (sigh) Hi, Melvin.
3: (groan) Goodbye, Melvin.
2
You say, "(sigh) Hi, Melvin."

"Hey, don't sound so negative," Melvin says. "I was just saying hello." He leans casually against the fridge, and it tilts, causing a clunk and
Bang akimbo elbows
a splash noise inside. "Whoops," he says. "Don't worry about it. So, busy for lunch?"

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: (groan) Goodbye, Melvin.
2: Yeah, I've got big lunch plans. Sorry.
3: If you don't clean up that fridge right now, it's going to cause a big problem for someone later. Namely, me.

>>

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: (groan) Goodbye, Melvin.
2: Yeah, I've got big lunch plans. Sorry.
3: If you don't clean up that fridge right now, it's going to cause a big problem for someone later. Namely, me.
3
You say, "If you don't clean up that fridge right now, it's going to cause a big problem for someone later. Namely, me."

Melvin says, "Come on, I know you love to clean things up. I just did you a favor. I just gave you an excuse for the next time you decide to take an extra break from your desk."

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: (groan) Goodbye, Melvin.
1
You say, "(groan) Goodbye, Melvin."

"So I'll seeya later?" Melvin calls out as you leave. Brrr. Serves you right for trying to sneak an extra break from work. You steal back to your desk, hoping no one besides Melvin saw you so obviously slacking.

Valerie's Desk (as Valerie)
Your desk looked spiffy when you left it last night. By the time you got here this morning, the minions of evil had sneaked in and dropped off a messy pile of work. You've ignored it so far, but it's not really going to go away on its own. On your computer, though, is email that needs to be read.

You can see a messy pile of work here.

By the way, your phone is ringing.
You answer the phone
You answer the phone. It's your coworker Debra, wondering if you got any of her emails, but telling you never mind, because she figured it out by herself. Then she hangs up. Sweet Lord, when will you deliver us from idiot coworkers?

Just as you hang up, you hear your name being yelled and see someone running up toward you.

That cute young temp who started here a few weeks ago, whatsisname -- Peter? -- is red-faced and perspiring slightly. One of his shirtsleeves is twisted (you resist the urge to straighten it), and his collar is turned up. There are also a number of twigs and hedge leaves clinging to him.

"I'm glad you're here!" Peter says brightly. "I really need to talk to somebody about what just happened to me!"

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: A 'hello' would be nice.
2: What did you do, get up on the wrong side of the flower bed this morning?
3: Funny, I don't even remember buying a ticket for the 'Hear the secrets of a crazed Temp' lottery.
You answer the phone
What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: A 'hello' would be nice.
2: What did you do, get up on the wrong side of the flower bed this morning?
3: Funny, I don't even remember buying a ticket for the 'Hear the secrets of a crazed Temp' lottery.
2
You say, "What did you do, get up on the wrong side of the flower bed this morning?"

"Whuh?" Peter asks. Well, it isn't so much of a question as it is a grunt. You help pick off a couple of the more prominent leaves. "Well, the leaves, right," he says. "That's not what I came to talk about, but it's part of it. Indirectly, I mean. I fell in a hedge."

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: Why don't you go ahead and get to the point?
2: You indirectly fell in a hedge?
2
You say, "You indirectly fell in a hedge?"

"Well, I didn't plan on it when I went into the little secret door and ended up inside someone else's brain. Only when the second flash of light came did I fall into the hedge," Peter says. "But, here's the interesting part."

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: If that's the dull part, I'm guessing you left out the part about evil alien robots from dimension X who plan to take over the world from their headquarters at Red Hat.
2: Yeah, yeah, whatever. How about dinner tonight?
1
You say, "If that's the dull part, I'm guessing you left out the part about evil alien robots from dimension X who plan to take over the world from their headquarters at Red Hat."

Peter says, "No, the cool part, see, is that it was *Zarf's* head that I was inside!"

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: Yeah, yeah, whatever. How about dinner tonight?
2: Who the hell is Zarf?
2
You say, "Who the hell is Zarf?"

"You never heard of Zarf?" Peter asks. Then he pauses, thinks a moment, and says, "Hmm, I guess you wouldn't have. Never mind. Here's an idea. How about we go to dinner tonight, and we can talk more then?"

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: Okay. dinner it is.
2: Can't do it tonight.
1
You say, "Okay. dinner it is."

Peter says, "Excellent! But, first things first. Can you meet me after work up in the file room? I really want to show you something."

Valerie says, "It's against my better judgment, but all right."

Little do they suspect that Melvin, nearby, is spying on them and making plans of his own.Even littler do they suspect that Melvin is not what he seems...

[Hit any key.]
Around the Corner (as "Melvin")
SCANNING cubicle_space(3,1,15):
TERRAN_LIFEFORM targets(2):

RECOGNIZE: ID(696095)["Peter Danielson Feeney"]
dETAIL_LIST   New unit underling
Problem report: DANGEROUS (watchflag)
Problem report: ATTITUDE
Resistant to authority. CONVERSE_MODE(shy,servile);

RECOGNIZE: ID(344904)["Valerie Ann Michelle Conrad"]
dETAIL_LIST   Established unit (no connection)
Problem report: ATTITUDE
Responds to authority.
CONVERSE_MODE(extrovert,lecherous);

SOUNDSCAN targets(344904,696095): Process... Process...
696095: [Author's Note: Go FileRoom ] << Show 344904 OBJ_ID(0001001)[##Portal]
>>
344904: [Author's Note: accept order Go ]

ANALYSIS: TERMINATE Action [Author's Note: Show ]
#ifSucc [Author's Note: EXECUTE ORDER_ID(904)[##CoverUp] ]
#else [Author's Note: TERMINATE ID(696095) ]

NEXTACT:
[1]FOLLOW
[2]WAIT
[3]KILL

>>
3
*ERROR.
[Author's Note: EXECUTE ORDER_ID(904)[##CoverUp] ] (inconclusive)

[1]FOLLOW
[2]WAIT
[3]ERROR
1
FOLLOW MODE ACTIVE. --NOMINAL--

Later that evening...

[Hit any key.]
File Room (as Valerie)
The file room is one of your favorite rooms in the company building. One, it's always orderly and clean; and two, it doesn't sport brightly colored IKEA furniture. It's businesslike and efficient. There's even a window to give the area a sense of openness.

Peter is standing here, pacing, when you arrive. "What took you? Didn't we say 6:30?" Peter asks.

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: Sorry I'm late.
2: Okay, so show me this amazing file cabinet of yours.
1
You say, "Sorry I'm late."

"Sorry I'm late," you say to Peter. "I had to ditch Melvin. He kept hanging around the elevators. I finally faked him out and took the stairs. It's like he was trying to intercept me."

"Melvin? Really?" Peter says, looking worried. "I was wondering who put the file cabinet back."

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: Okay, so show me this amazing file cabinet of yours.
1
You say, "Okay, so show me this amazing file cabinet of yours."

"Okay, so show me this amazing file cabinet of yours," you tell Peter. "I'm starving."

Peter says, "Here's what you do. Go to file cabinet Z-Y and try to open it."
You open the Z-y
You try to open the cabinet, but it seems to be stuck shut.

"It's stuck," you say.

"Give it a good pull," says Peter.
Continue
You try to open the cabinet, but it seems to be stuck shut.
You pull the Z-the y.
You yank on the drawer, and it flies clean out of the cabinet, sending you spilling backwards. Loose folders slide out in a snaky line sideways across the floor, emptying their contents in all directions.

"Egad!" yells Peter. "That didn't happen last time!"

"Well, it did this time," you tell Peter. "Help me clean up the papers."
You examine the door
You should probably clean up the scattered papers first.
Clean
What do you want to clean?
Clean papers
As you both lean down to clean up the papers, you see a pair of shoes enter the room from the darkened hallway. Perched in the shoes is a pair of stilts. Balanced on the stilts is a kind of potato head with Melvin's face on it. In other words, Melvin is standing here.

"Do you two want to tell me what you're doing here?" Melvin asks.

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: No.
2: Practicing the Lambada.
3: Smooching.
4: It's none of your business, Melvin.
2
You say, "Practicing the Lambada."

Melvin says, "Mmm. The Forbidden Dance. Appropriate, considering this is the second time today, Peter, that you've been playing around with private company property, against the rules."

Peter says, "Geez, Melvin. What's gotten into you? Suddenly you've grown a pair."

Melvin ignores Peter and kicks some of the papers with his toe. "Why don't you two put things back where you found them, and I won't have to report this?"

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: Okay. Sorry.
You pull the Z-the y.
The cabinet is already out of the way.
3
You say, "Smooching."

Melvin looks at you with a leer and says, "Tut-tut-tut Valerie. You're quite the little flirt today, aren't you? Did she tell you, Peter, how she came on to me today in the snack room?"

Peter looks at you. "Eww!"

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: Buzz off, creep.
2: Say that again and I'll bust your fricking head open.
3: I demand an apology. Now.
4: Okay, Melvin. You just won yourself a sexual harrassment suit. I'll see you in court.
4
You say, "Okay, Melvin. You just won yourself a sexual harrassment suit. I'll see you in court."

Melvin isn't fazed. He kicks some of the papers with his toe. "I could report this as company espionage. That's what it looks like to me."

Peter says, "Hey, be cool, Melvin. It was just an accident. I spilled a cabinet and Valerie offered to help me clean up."

Melvin looks at you. "Just an innocent spill. This is the second time today that cabinet has 'innocently' spilled open."

"So I'm clumsy," says Peter, shrugging.

Melvin says, "Why don't you two put things back where you found them, and I won't have to report this?"

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: Okay. Sorry.
1
You say, "Okay. Sorry."

"Okay, Melvin," says Peter.

"Sorry," you say through gritted teeth.

Melvin folds his clanky arms and waits impatiently for you to finish cleaning up the scattered papers, his red little eyes sweeping back and forth between you and Peter like a Cylon's.
Clean papers
Melvin watches as you pick up the scattered folders and papers and shove them into the open cabinet. Peter puts the YZ cabinet back against the wall.

"There, Melvin," Peter says.

Melvin says, "Okay, now get out."
You examine Melvin
Melvin seemed harmless enough at first, but lately he's been giving you the definite creeps. For one thing, he doesn't work anywhere near your station, yet you seem to meet him two or three times a day. You're starting to get the feeling that he's obsessing about you, and you're starting to lose your ability to be nice to him.
Go outside
Melvin watches as you exit the building. You leave him behind at the entrance and walk a safe distance away.

"Well, that was weird. I've never seen Melvin act like that," Peter says.

"Really?" you ask. "He's always seemed a sort of a creep to me."

"Is there any way we can sneak back in, do you think?"

"Really?" asks Peter.

"Yeah. Now I'm curious. If Melvin hadn't showed up like that, I wouldn't have believed you really found something. Now I want to see what it is." "Won't Melvin be watching?"

"He can't sit there all night," you say. "He has to go home at some point, right?" "Should we go to dinner first?"

"Nah. Let's just go for it. Come on. Melvin doesn't really have any authority over me, anyway."

Peter says, "Excellent."

And so ...

[Hit any key.]
File Room
The file room is one of your favorite rooms in the company building. One, it's always orderly and clean; and two, it doesn't sport brightly colored IKEA furniture. It's businesslike and efficient. There's even a window to give the area a sense of openness. Early moonlight peeks in, drawing a long amber trapezoid on the carpet.

Peter is here.

Peter says, "Okay, I don't see him. Let's be careful this time." He moves the Z-Y cabinet quietly aside to reveal a strange little door in the wall.

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: Whoa.
1
You say, "Whoa."

Peter says, "Go on in. It's safe. If all goes well, I'll meet you by the hedge in a few minutes."

"Which hedge?" you ask. "How will I find you?"

"Trust me on this one," says Peter.
You open the door
A hush of ancient air, tinged with organic sweetness, flows out of the opened portal.
You examine the door
The strange secret door is only about three feet high, and painted a shade of crimson. Gold flecks in the paint give it a sparkly, almost magical appearance.
You enter door
You pass through the portal into a dark tunnel, which sighs with melodic longing as you enter.

You are on your hands and knees in a claustrophobic tunnel. It leads down, as nearly as you can tell, but your equilibrium is distorted in here. The curving walls gleam with the semblance of wet rock, but the palms of your hands tell a different story. It feels like organic tissue, a thick layer of hide, with the elastic strength of muscle. Like sharkskin, it is silken and slick in one direction but resists any backwards movement with a roughened grain.
Go downward
You begin to crawl forward, the tunnel floor oozing and pliable under your knees and palms. The secret door bangs shut and disappears. The tunnel begins to shiver, and from up ahead a roar like a waterfall issues from the darkness. Your hands suddenly lose traction as gravity begins its quickening pull. You begin to slide down... down... down...

-- glaring light...

[Hit any key.]
In Zarf's Kitchen (in Zarf's head)
Weird! You really are inside someone's head!You see the opening of this guy Zarf's eyes, giving you a sort of bifocal window into the surrounding environment. Out through his eyes you can see that he's in the middle of making dinner. On the stove, a pan of onions has been saut?ed golden brown in olive oil. On the countertop you see a bottle of white wine, two measuring cups, a small bowl, and a plate of ribbed pasta.

Inside of Zarf's head, you see weird flashes of light. A number of eerie sounds float around. You presume these effects are caused by the random firing of synapses in a very active mind.

Each time there is a flash, you notice a shadow nearby that never seems to brighten.

Zarf stirs a cup of white wine into the pan of onions and lets it simmer.
You examine the shadow
The shadow falls in a diagonal slant, and a sensation comes from it, but you are unable to tell whether it is warmth or cold.

Zarf measures out roughly a cup of really squishy blue cheese.
You look at the wine
The bottle of white wine is missing a cup, which was added to the pan of onions.

Zarf stirs the simmering onions.
You talk to Zarf
You are unable to exert any control over Zarf's movements.

Zarf stirs the simmering onions.
Smell
You smell nothing unexpected.

Zarf adds the cheese to the simmering onions and mixes it around.
You examine the cheese
You imagine that the blue cheese is rather potent.

Zarf pours the saut?ed onion mixture over the pasta.
You eat zarf
(first taking Zarf)
You are unable to exert any control over Zarf's movements.

Zarf sprinkles crushed walnuts onto the pasta dish.
You examine the synapses
Inside of Zarf's head, you see weird flashes of light. A number of eerie sounds float around. You presume these effects are caused by the random firing of synapses in a very active mind.

Each time there is a flash, you notice a shadow nearby that never seems to brighten.

Zarf picks up the pasta dish and carries it into another room.

The shadow suddenly darkens and enlarges, swallowing you. You are transported deeper within Zarf's brain.

The noise is really loud here, and there is more to see. A visual juxtaposition mars your sense of place. The walls are angular but smooth, are a warm red, living rock, are cold dead clay and calcite. Cave tunnels lead in all directions, but without a compass or a way to mark your trail, you sense that you could easily get lost.

You can see a control panel here.
You look at the control panel
The control panel has the appearance of a music stand, rising from a single stalk to about the height of your rib cage. The flat surface has but one button and a rectangular plate about four inches by six inches.
You examine the plate
The rectangular plate is made of some sort of smooth, colorless ceramic.
You look at the button
The button is a touch-sensitive disk with a one-inch radius. It has one simple marking: a vertical line, drawn in white.

Out of the corner of your eye, you notice a curious gentleman casually leaning against one of the walls here.
You examine gentleman
The thief is a slippery character with beady eyes that flit back and forth. He carries, along with an unmistakable arrogance, a large bag over his shoulder and a vicious stiletto, whose blade is aimed menacingly in your direction. I'd watch out if I were you.
You look at the gentleman
He does not speak, but it is clear from his aspect that the bag will be taken only over his dead body.

The thief makes a sudden, swift movement in your direction. You catch a glimpse of his stiletto moving, and then --

-- glaring light...

[Hit any key.]

Suddenly, you are falling, but all you see are slashes of yellow light and dark green shapes. One of the largest shapes, with a dimple in the center, moves towards you quickly. As it nears, you feel a sense of time slowing, and your eyes catch the details. It is a large hedge, and the dimple is a crushed spot roughly the size of Peter's body. You hope he flattened most of the sharpest branches when he landed...

[Hit any key.]
Northwest Campus (as Peter)
You are at the northwest edge of the corporate campus. A decorated line of hedges hidden by a corner of stately trees, with leaves that gently whisper in the evening wind.

You can see a large hedge here.

Valerie plummets into the big hedge with an unladylike ka-thump-krickle.
You examine Valerie
Valerie is a knockout brunette with almond shaped eyes, a flashing smile, a cutting sense of humor, and a real sense of style. She always seems to be trying to prove something to the world, like she can dish it out as well as she can take it. Also, she has a cute butt.
1
You say, "Probably better not."

You tell Valerie, "Probably better not. I don't want to attract any attention."
You move the cabinet
Which do you mean, the other cabinets, the Y-X cabinet, the Z cabinet or the Z-Y cabinet?
Z-y
You are unable to.
You open the Z-y
You open the Z-Y cabinet.
You pull the Z-the y.
The cabinet is already out of the way.
You look
File Room (as Peter)
This bleak room with its short, slumping ceiling looks disconcertingly eerie at night. The army of stupid file cabinet robots looks ready to spring to life at any moment. The one measly window lets in a tiny rectangle of moonlight.

A secret door has been revealed in the wall behind the Z-Y cabinet.

You can also see Valerie here.
You kiss valerie
Keep your mind on the game.
You open the door
A hush of ancient air, tinged with organic sweetness, flows out of the opened portal.

Valerie asks, "Why don't we both go?"

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: Will that work?
2: Sure. Why not?
1
You say, "Will that work?"

Valerie says, "Sure. Why not?"
You enter
Valerie stops you. "Wait, we forgot the photo."
Inventory
I only understood you as far as wanting to get the Zarf:Declassified folder.

You are carrying:
some folders
You get Zarf
Taken.
You look in it
In the Zarf:Declassified folder are an employee record and a blurry photograph.
You read the record
It's an employee record for one Andrew Plotkin. He's been working here since the company he used to work for was bought out by Red Hat.
You examine photo
The photograph is a blurred likeness, but you can only assume that it's a picture of Zarf.
You enter door
You pass through the portal into a dark tunnel, which sighs with melodic longing as you enter.

Weird Tunnel (as Peter)
You are on your hands and knees in a claustrophobic tunnel. It leads down, as nearly as you can tell, but your equilibrium is distorted in here. The curving walls gleam with the semblance of wet rock, but the palms of your hands tell a different story. It feels like organic tissue, a thick layer of hide, with the elastic strength of muscle. Like sharkskin, it is silken and slick in one direction but resists any backwards movement with a roughened grain.

Valerie follows you.
You examine the door
The secret door bangs shut and disappears. The tunnel begins to shiver, and from up ahead a roar like a waterfall issues from the darkness. Your hands suddenly lose traction as gravity begins its quickening pull. You begin to slide down... down... down...

-- glaring light...

[Hit any key.]
Go downwards
Zarf's Apartment (in Zarf's head) (as Peter)
Zarf seems at first to be in a library, but on second glance, he's just at home but owns a *lot* of books. A couple thousand of them, by the looks of it. He is holding a bar code scanner and is scanning the ISBN numbers of books from a tall stack, one at a time, into his computer.

Inside of Zarf's head, you see weird flashes of light. A number of eerie sounds float around. You presume these effects are caused by the random firing of synapses in a very active mind. A deep shadow here slashes diagonally, refusing the light.

"Okay, I'll stay here," says Valerie. "Try to get that panel activated. I'll holler if I see anything happen."
You look at the books
There are hundreds and hundreds of books, too many to describe individually.

Zarf scans another book from the stack.
You enter the shadow
You touch the shadow, and feel a chill go through your bones.

"I think he felt that," yells Valerie.

Inside Zarf's Brain (as Peter)
The noise is really loud here, and there is more to see. A visual juxtaposition mars your sense of place. The walls are angular but smooth, are a warm red, living rock, are cold dead clay and calcite. Cave tunnels lead in all directions, but without a compass or a way to mark your trail, you sense that you could easily get lost.

You can see a control panel here.
You look at the panel
The control panel has the appearance of a music stand, rising from a single stalk to about the height of your rib cage. The flat surface has but one button and a rectangular plate about four inches by six inches.

Out of the corner of your eye, you notice a curious gentleman leaning against the wall.
You put the photo on the plate
You put the blurry photo onto the ceramic plate.
You examine the microphone
It is a slender golden rod with a burnished tip. The tip contains a spherical windscreen.
Hello
Please use >TALK TO PLAYER to interact in this game.
You talk to Zarf
(the microphone)

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: Test. Test. Testing 1, 2, 3, 4. Hello?
1
You say, "Test. Test. Testing 1, 2, 3, 4. Hello?"

You feel a sudden sense of pressure and release, and a darkening of the environment.

Valerie yells, "Is it working? He's looking around like he knows someone is messing with him."

"What should I try?" you ask.

"It's up to you," Valerie yells back.

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: Umm. Zarf, drop your book.
1
You say, "Umm. Zarf, drop your book."

There is a slight shift in the floor, then a heavy, echoing thud from somewhere outside.

Valerie yells, "Yay! He dropped the book! Try something else."

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: Zarf, stand up.
2: Zarf, do the funky chicken.
3: Zarf, explain 'So Far'.
4: Zarf, give me all your chocolate.
1
You say, "Zarf, stand up."

You feel a sudden shift as the floor seems to tilt underneath you, then rights itself. You feel a sense of fast upward motion.

"You must have felt that," Valerie yells. "Okay, he's looking around like he can't figure out what's going on. Try something else."

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: Zarf, do the funky chicken.
2: Zarf, explain 'So Far'.
3: Zarf, give me all your chocolate.
2
You say, "Zarf, explain 'So Far'."

A hollow noise rumbles up from the caves, like gigantic steel doors swinging shut and locking. From the shadows, the stranger with the rucksack and stiletto speaks in a low voice, saying, "I do not explain my work. You, however, have some explaining to do." He steals closer, an inch at a time, circling you.

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: Valerie, help!
3
You say, "Zarf, give me all your chocolate."

There is a groan like heavy roof timbers creaking, underscored by a low metallic grinding.

Valerie yells, "Hey! What did you tell him to do?"

"I told him to give me all his chocolate," you shout back. "Why, what's he doing? It feels like we're moving."

Valerie says, "I don't think he's the kind of guy who easily surrenders his chocolate. I think he's starting to catch on that there's someone messing with his brain here. Careful what else you try."

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: Zarf, do the funky chicken.
2: Zarf, explain 'So Far'.
4
What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: Zarf, do the funky chicken.
2: Zarf, explain 'So Far'.
1
You say, "Zarf, do the funky chicken."

Valerie yells, "I didn't feel anything. What did you try?"

"I told him to do the funky chicken," you yell back.

You hear Valerie laugh. "Maybe he doesn't know that dance. Try something else."

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: Zarf, explain 'So Far'.
1
You say, "Valerie, help!"

A violent red light pulses through the inside of the brain. Valerie enters, looking spooked.

Valerie says, "Uh oh, I think he's pissed."

"Who are you two?" the thief demands, extending his stiletto blade.

You back slowly away from the control panel, your eye on the tunnel openings. "What do we do now?" you ask Valerie. "Usually the trip ends by this point."

The thief circles closer, his eyes locked on yours, glinting in the darkness the same as his blade.

"What if we get stuck here?" Valerie wonders aloud.
You talk to the thief
You can't think of anything to say.

The thief suddenly lunges. Valerie yanks you backwards.

"Run!" she screams.

"Which way?"

"*Any* way!"
You run
You'll have to say which compass direction to go in.

The thief quickly dispatches both you and Valerie with quick, upward thrusts of his blade into your hearts.
Up
You experience blind panic for the first time in your life, despite the absurdity of the setting, and the recognizable fiction of the threat. Your life; how small and petty it all seems, and how short. There is little light in these twisting tunnels, and the faster you run, the more time moves in slow motion, and your thoughts turn inward. Your life has been blind and short, you think; appropriate, because down this last dark turn of the cave tunnel you have met with an unexpected, dead end.

It is the classic dead end. More than that, it is the archetypal dead end. Nowhere forward, nowhere back. The ceiling shocks with its height, the walls oppress with their closeness. There are no exits.

A helix of light hangs in the air here, twirling and changing colors.

You can also see Valerie here.

"We're trapped!" whispers Valerie, as much color drained from her face as there is pulsating in the helix above.
Go upward
There are no exits.

The thief enters, his stiletto blade extended. "You two don't belong here," he says. "And I believe you have something of mine."

"Help!" you yell. "Hel--"

-- glaring light...

[Hit any key.]
Hedge
Spiny, poky leaves weed their way through your clothing and stab you in uncomfortable and sensitive places.
Leave
You are at the northwest edge of the corporate campus. A decorated line of hedges hidden by a corner of stately trees, with leaves that gently whisper in the evening wind.

You can see Valerie and a large hedge here.

"Okay, that was freaky," says Valerie.

"Yeah, let's call it a night," you say.

"Oh come on. This is getting fun. This is my kind of Interactive Fiction!"

"More like interactive reality. Oh, damn. Where is it? I've lost the photo."

"Maybe you dropped it when we fell. Look in the hedge."
Search hedge
There's nothing in the hedge.

"It's not there," you say."I bet the thief took it. That means the show's over."

"Do you think we should tell Zarf about this?"

"Hmm. Maybe it's better if he doesn't know."

"I don't know about that. If it were your head, wouldn't you want to know that people were hacking into it?"

"Good point. Okay, we'll tell him first thing tomorrow."

"Agreed," says Valerie.

"Agreed," you say.
You go to the north
"Can I walk you to your car?" you ask Valerie.

"You can limp me there," she says, grimacing. "I think I twisted my ankle."

You puff out your chest. "I can carry you, if you want."

Valerie laughs. "Ooh. The last of the gallant gentlemen." She shakes her head. "No thanks, I'm tough," she says.
You kiss valerie
Keep your mind on the game.
You go north
Oh, come on. Take the hint and be gallant.
You carry valerie
Peter carries Valerie to her car, trying desperately not to huff and sweat and collapse.

Early the next morning, Zarf wakes and takes a long walk to work, trying to blow off some steam. It doesn't help...

[Hit any key.]
You carry valerie
** Library error 10 (0,0) **

You are *pissed*. Someone's been messing with you, and you know exactly who it was. *How* they did it, you don't know, but that's the first thing on your mind this morning. Find evil scum, tell evil scum off. Then, get some work done.

On the computer is a MUD window. You are logged onto ifMUD.
About yourself
You look about the same as always.
You examine the ifmud
Sargent says (to Zarf), "Hey."
inky says, "hi Z"
Iain says, "Hullo."
You say, "grnn. Not happy."
Rob says (to Iain), "that's what I thought until recently"
Iain says (to Rob), "Oh?"
Sargent says (to Zarf), "What's up?"
inky says, "erm?"
You say, "Details not important. I have a mission to destroy
evil
scum."
Sargent says, "Ugly buildup in the bathtub?"
inky says, "probably some sort of foaming cleanser is in order"
Rob says, "bleach and a stiff brush will take care of that"
Adam says, "You coul-- Damn it."
Sargent says, "HA ha."
Emily groans.

Suddenly, Evil Scum are here. You recognize one of them only from a vivid mental snapshot that appeared yesterday morning. You recognize the other from seeing her around once or twice. You are not pleased to see either of them, although it saves you the trouble of hunting them down.

"Um, hi Mr. Plotkin," says the first.

"I'm Valerie Conrad, and this is Peter Feeney," says the other.

"We came to tell you about -- something weird that we discovered."

"It's a portal into your head," says Valerie, which doesn't make any logical sense, but it does explain things, if it's true.

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: And you decided to take not just one trip, but three? Thanks a *lot*.
Oops
What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: And you decided to take not just one trip, but three? Thanks a *lot*.
1
You say, "And you decided to take not just one trip, but three? Thanks a *lot*."

"Sorry about that. It was just ordinary curiosity at first."

"Perfectly natural."

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: There's nothing natural or ordinary about it. Where is this portal?
1
You say, "There's nothing natural or ordinary about it. Where is this portal?"

"In the file room."

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: Take me there. Now.
1
You say, "Take me there. Now."

"Well, okay."

[Hit any key.]
You examine the ceiling tile
The ceiling tile is set slightly askew.
You examine the door
A portal fashioned from slats of aged cedar, the strange secret door is only about three feet high, and painted a shade of crimson. Gold flecks in the paint give it a gaudy, child's-idea-of-magical appearance. Ornate brass hinges, possibly hand-crafted, clamp the door securely to the wall. Beyond being bizarre, it is curiously anachronistic. The portal itself antedates this building by at least a century and a half, in your estimation.
You examine the copy machine
The copier machine sits near the wall, bearing no make or marking that you recognize. Even more curiously, the copier is not plugged in, and yet it definitely seems to be turned on.
You open the copier
You open the lid.
You open the door
The door swings easily on its hinges, which have been recently oiled. Someone is evidently its caretaker, but it is beyond your ability to guess whom.
You enter the portal
A voice shouts, "STOP!" It is an odd voice, a peculiar sounding shout. It sounds less like a voice yelling and more like a normal voice mechanically amplified.

"Melvin!" shouts Peter.

This "Melvin" bears no resemblance to any human being, living or dead. The ersatz flesh on his disjointed skeleton is a remarkable elastic, tinted with some care to mimic caucasian melanin. Under the fluorescent light, it reflects slightly too much green, and it wrinkles unnaturally at limb joints. More care has been taken in the face, allowing for a range of facial expressions. Currently, the expression is one of intended menace.

"You leave me no choice but to terminate you," says Melvin. He goes to the copier and punches a sequence of numbers on the button panel. A strange shuddering vibration pulses through the room, from back to front.

"The file cabinets!" yells Peter. "They're moving!"

The file cabinets are growing taller. Beneath each, a small footpad is extending, and the cabinet bodies are rising on stalks. A single cycloptic ruby eye irises open on the face of each.

Peter rolls his eyes. "Well what the heck. It *is* a stupid robot army!"

"Go in, quick!" Valerie orders you.

"Go! We'll hold him off!" Peter shouts, bravely. "I think."

[Hit any key.]
Go downward
You begin to crawl forward, the tunnel floor oozing and pliable under your knees and palms. The tunnel begins to shiver, and from up ahead a roar like a waterfall issues from the darkness. Your hands suddenly lose traction as gravity begins its quickening pull. You begin to slide down... down... down...

-- glaring light...

[Hit any key.]
Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (In yourself)))
Recursion has always been one of your favorite tools, but you know far too well that if it doesn't hit an escape clause, it will recur until the stack overflows and the system crashes.
You look
Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (In yourself)))
Recursion has always been one of your favorite tools, but you know far too well that if it doesn't hit an escape clause, it will recur until the stack overflows and the system crashes.

Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (In yourself)))) Recursion has always been one of your favorite tools, but you know far too well that if it doesn't return a value, it will recur until the stack overflows and the system crashes.
You look
Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (In yourself)))) Recursion has always been one of your favorite tools, but you know far too well that if it doesn't return a value, it will recur until the stack overflows and the system crashes.

Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (In yourself)))))
Recursion has always been one of your favorite tools, but you know far too well that if it doesn't return a value, it will recur until the stack overflows and the system crashes.
You return
You'll have to be more specific about how you want to do that.

Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (In yourself))))))
Recursion has always been one of your favorite tools, but you know far too well that if it doesn't return a value, it will recur until the stack overflows and the system crashes.
Escape
You'll have to be more specific about how you want to do that.

Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (In yourself)))))))
Recursion has always been one of your favorite tools, but you know far too well that if it doesn't return a value, it will recur until the stack overflows and the system crashes.
You return 0
You halt the current execution and pop up to the next level.

Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (In yourself))))))
Recursion has always been one of your favorite tools, but you know far too well that if it doesn't return a value, it will recur until the stack overflows and the system crashes.
Return 1
You halt the current execution and pop up to the next level.

Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (In yourself)))))
Recursion has always been one of your favorite tools, but you know far too well that if it doesn't return a value, it will recur until the stack overflows and the system crashes.
2
You halt the current execution and pop up to the next level.

Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (In yourself)))) Recursion has always been one of your favorite tools, but you know far too well that if it doesn't return a value, it will recur until the stack overflows and the system crashes.
You seem to want to talk to someone, but I can't see whom.
Escape
You'll have to be more specific about how you want to do that.

Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (In yourself)))))
Recursion has always been one of your favorite tools, but you know far too well that if it doesn't return a value, it will recur until the stack overflows and the system crashes.
You return 4000
You halt the current execution and pop up to the next level.

Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (In yourself)))) Recursion has always been one of your favorite tools, but you know far too well that if it doesn't return a value, it will recur until the stack overflows and the system crashes.
You return 0
You halt the current execution and pop up to the next level.

Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (In yourself)))
Recursion has always been one of your favorite tools, but you know far too well that if it doesn't return a value, it will recur until the stack overflows and the system crashes.
You return 0
You halt the current execution and pop up to the next level.

Inside Zarf (Inside Zarf (In yourself))
Recursion has always been one of your favorite tools, but you know far too well that if it doesn't return a value, it will recur until the stack overflows and the system crashes.
You return 69105
You halt the current execution and pop up to the next level.

Inside Zarf (In yourself)
Recursion has always been one of your favorite tools, but you know far too well that if it doesn't return a value, it will recur until the stack overflows and the system crashes.
You return 0
You return the last value, and a shadow falls over you. Touching it, you fall inward. Meanwhile, a few turns ago...

[Hit any key.]
File Room (as Peter)
The situation has gone from bad to worse, here. The army of mutant little file cabinet robots has herded you and Valerie back against the north wall. The window is behind you. Melvin is across the room, working controls on the copier, which has opened up to reveal some sort of pulsating machine innards.

A secret door has been revealed in the wall.

Valerie says, "What do we do?"

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: We go out the window.
2: We attack Melvin.
3: We make a break for the portal.
4: We do like Captain Kirk, and incapacitate Melvin with logic.
4
You say, "We do like Captain Kirk, and incapacitate Melvin with logic."

Valerie looks at you like you're the biggest nerd she has ever met, and considering you both work at Red Hat, that's saying something. "See what you can do, I guess," she says.
You talk to Melvin
What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: Melvin. I submit that your plans are illogical.
1
You say, "Melvin. I submit that your plans are illogical."

Melvin looks up at you. "Illogical?" he asks. "My plans are perfect. Not that they're my plans, of course. The Great Brain of Dimension X knows all." Melvin begins to fidget, the first time you've seen him nervous since things started to get really weird. "Who am I to question his perfect logic? I am created in his perfect image. We serve logic. We serve the Great Brain."

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: I submit that your orders are illogical.
1
You say, "I submit that your orders are illogical."

Melvin's left eyelid starts to twitch. "No, no. My orders are perfect. The Great Brain is incapable of error. The Great Brain is God! God is
1
Logic!"

Valerie whispers, "I think it's working!"

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: I submit that *you* are illogical!

>>

You say, "I submit that *you* are illogical!"

"No -- no, it cannot be!" Melvin says. He looks confused, staring at the pulsating brain and back to you. "Logic is God. God is Logic. Those who do not serve God must be destroyed!"

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: I submit that the Great Brain is illogical. You serve a false God, a god of illogic! What is the penalty for serving a false God?
1
You say, "I submit that the Great Brain is illogical. You serve a false God, a god of illogic! What is the penalty for serving a false God?"

Melvin begins to quiver and shake. "Illogical... illogical..." Smoke starts coming of his ears. "Must -- must -- serve -- groink! Blatt!" He makes a few sputtering noises and collapses.

Valerie says, "There's no way that should have worked."

Suddenly, Melvin springs back to his feet, shoots you an evil grin, and laughs like an insane android might at a time like this.

"Idiot," Melvin says. "There's no such thing as the Great Brain. I'm just here to kill you because I'm an evil android bastard who loves to kill. And it'll be a special pleasure killing someone so dweebishly gullible."

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: Oh well. It was worth a shot.
1
You say, "Oh well. It was worth a shot."

Melvin says, "Hardly." He goes back to fiddling with the pulsating machine brain.

Valerie whispers, "So. Any other bright ideas?"

What would you like to say? [0 to cancel]
1: I'll pick up one of the cabinets and throw it at Melvin. You should go for the portal. Then I'll figure out some way of getting in there myself.
1
You say, "I'll pick up one of the cabinets and throw it at Melvin. You should go for the portal. Then I'll figure out some way of getting in there myself."

Valerie gives you a kiss. "For good luck," she says as the heroic music swells.

The conversation kind of trails off at that point.
You kiss valerie
Keep your mind on the game.
You take the cabinet
You pick up the nearest file cabinet, which turns out to be the Z-Y cabinet. The stupid robot starts making a pathetic squealing noise.

"Hey! Put him down this instant!" shrieks Melvin.
You throw the cabinet at Melvin
(the army of mutant little file cabinet robots at Melvin)

What heroic catch phrase would you like to utter?
[1]Here's mud in your eye, sucker! [2]It's clobberin' time!
[3]Hasta la vista, bubbala! [4]You remember when I said I'd kill you last? I lied!
2
"It's clobberin' time!" you shout.

"Who do you think this mutant army is, the Yancy Street Gang?" Valerie says.

"Don't ruin my moment. Just get moving!"

Valerie makes a gymnastic diving roll over the sinister little cabinets and disappears into the portal. You fling the little metallic beast at Melvin, but your aim is terrible. Fortunately, you lobbed it so far to the side that it goes smashing into the pulsating copier machine brain heart organ thingy, which implodes and then explodes, emitting a terrific shower of sparks and a sad little dying scream.

As you might expect, Melvin shouts, "Noooooooooooo!" as the little army of stupid robots topples over en masse, vomiting their paper folder guts all over the place.
You look at Melvin
Melvin Prufrock is a thin, translucent looking individual, with tics and other twitchy mannerisms passing for a personality. He is insanely tall, approaching six foot eight, but probably only weighs 130 pounds with clothes on. You don't even want to consider what he's like without clothes on. He also looks like he's about six years younger than you are, so about nineteen, and yet he's several rankings above you on the ladder.

Melvin withdraws some sort of bulbous metal ray gun from one of the dead cabinets. "You should have escaped when you had the chance, Peter!" he says as he pulls the trigger. For a moment, you feel absolutely nothing, and then you realize with some shock that this is because your nervous system has been completely vaporized, and the rest of you along with it.
You enter the portal
You leap for the portal.

Weird Tunnel (as Peter)
You are on your hands and knees in a claustrophobic tunnel. It leads down, as nearly as you can tell, but your equilibrium is distorted in here. The curving walls gleam with the semblance of wet rock, but the palms of your hands tell a different story. It feels like organic tissue, a thick layer of hide, with the elastic strength of muscle. Like sharkskin, it is silken and slick in one direction but resists any backwards movement with a roughened grain.

You hear Melvin scream, "You can't get away from *ME*!"
Go downwards
You begin to crawl forward, the tunnel floor oozing and pliable under your knees and palms. The tunnel begins to shiver, and from up ahead a roar like a waterfall issues from the darkness. Your hands suddenly lose traction as gravity begins its quickening pull. You begin to slide down... down... down...

-- glaring light...

[Hit any key.]
Inside Zarf's Brain (as Peter)
The noise is really loud here, and there is more to see. A visual juxtaposition mars your sense of place. The walls are angular but smooth, are a warm red, living rock, are cold dead clay and calcite. Cave tunnels lead in all directions, but without a compass or a way to mark your trail, you sense that you could easily get lost.

You can see a control panel, Valerie and Zarf here.

"You made it!" says Valerie.

"Yeah," you say, "But Melvin's right on my tail."

Zarf seems calm and sagelike. "It's okay. I know my way around, and I have a plan. Mind you, the timing is apt to be rather ... cruel... from now on."
Go northwest
Melvin fires the ray gun, which emits a sizzling noise and a bright stripe of electric blue laser light. "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!" he screams. The two of you narrowly dodge the beam and follow Zarf down the tunnel.

Tunnels (as Peter and Valerie)
A huge cavern rises above you. The far reaches are lost in shadow mist, and the vaults above fade into a darkness pierced with long columns of stone. Chill water drips and pools in broken declivities. You can hear little else. A river of smoke-grey travertine flows down one wall of the chamber. Pale fungi gleam in phosphorescence somewhere above. Gloomy side chambers stretch off in many directions.

You can see Zarf here.

Zarf says, "We're going to need a few things. Try to keep up."

Zarf walks down through the floor. Vivid gold light flares around him.
Go downward
You follow Zarf through the floor, which melts open around you. You hear Melvin close behind you.

Canyon Wall (as Peter and Valerie)
Massive buttresses of stone rise all around you, climbing the canyon wall, flowing down again in cascades of pale fluorite. A path seems to climb up among them; but you don't think you can get to it right now.

The carcass of the Wumpus is heaped before you. Hardened blood trickles from its ravaged hide, puddling on the floor.

There is a crossbow lying here; near the beast; loaded and cocked.

Zarf says, "Take the crossbow."
You take the crossbow
Peter takes the crossbow.

Valerie says, "Poor thing."

Zarf walks through the east wall. Rich crimson light flares around him.
You wait awhile
Time passes.

Melvin enters from the path above, shouting, "I smell a Wumpus! HA HA HA HA HA!"
Go east
You follow Zarf through east wall, which melts open around you. You hear Melvin close behind you.

Small Cave (as Peter and Valerie)
You are in a dark pocket, a stony crack below the summit of the hill. It is not quite high enough to stand in, but surprisingly long, narrowing only slowly towards the back. The entrance is a circle of blinding crimson to the west, partially obscured by the boulder.

An ancient and filthy blanket is crumpled against one wall of the cave.

You can also see Zarf here.

Zarf says, "Take the blanket."
You get the blanket
Valerie takes the blanket.

Zarf walks through the south wall. Shimmering grey light flares around him.

Melvin squeezes through the cave opening. "It's a good thing I remembered to change my batteries!" he puffs.
You go to the north
If you don't follow Zarf, you will surely be killed.

Melvin fires the ray gun, which emits a sizzling noise and fills the tiny cave with electric blue laser light. "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!" he screams. In the tiny confines of the cave, the deadly beams bounce more than Melvin expects, and he is caught in the backfire. "Oh, hell," he says, as all three of you shred into atoms.
You go to the south
You follow Zarf through the south wall. Melvin is one step behind you.

Storage Tent (as Peter and Valerie)
This is where the party kept all its supplies. However Roboff seems to have cleaned everything out that was of any use. Several arrows of Da-Glo paint on the wall attract your attention to the empty food and water chests.
Lying on the ground is a brass torch of the "self-igniting" type. The ignite button is on the handle.
There is a shovel lying here.

You can also see Zarf here.

Zarf says, "Take the shovel."
You take the shovel
Peter takes the shovel.

Zarf says, "Okay, we need to take a slight detour."

Zarf walks up through the ceiling. Pale green light flares around him.

Outside the tent, Melvin hollers, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"
Go up
You follow Zarf through the ceiling. You feel the heat of Melvin's ray gun blast nearly singe your feet.

Tunnels (as Peter and Valerie)
A huge cavern rises above you. The far reaches are lost in shadow mist, and the vaults above fade into a darkness pierced with long columns of stone. Chill water drips and pools in broken declivities. You can hear little else. A river of smoke-grey travertine flows down one wall of the chamber. Pale fungi gleam in phosphorescence somewhere above. Gloomy side chambers stretch off in many directions.

You can see Zarf here.

Zarf says, "Fortunately, these tunnels lead everywhere. Come along."

Zarf walks through the south wall. Rosy pink light flares around him.
You go south
You follow Zarf through the south wall. Melvin is one step behind you.

In Roc Nest (as Peter and Valerie)
This nest is made from skillfully woven tree trunks, small bushes, and large amounts of mud and roc guano for glue. Giant black feathers are everywhere. In the center of the nest is an egg the size of a small wagon. Nestled beneath the egg is a featureless white cube.
The roc perches on the side of the nest, watching you intently.
There is a stained scroll here.

You can also see Zarf here.

Zarf says, "Take the scroll."
You get the cube
The roc, convinced you are threatening its precious egg, drives you away before you can snatch the cube.

Melvin materializes through the rock face. "Where the hell are we?" he says, staring around.
You get the scroll
Valerie takes the stained scroll.

Zarf walks through the west wall of the nest. Blinding white light flares around him.

Melvin fires the ray gun, which emits a sizzling noise and a bright stripe of electric blue laser light. "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!" he screams. He manages to take out not just you and Valerie, but the roc, the egg, the cube, and the nest as well. Your glittering ashes take several slow minutes to settle far below.
You get the scroll
Valerie takes the stained scroll.

Zarf walks through the west wall of the nest. Blinding white light flares around him.

Melvin materializes through the rock face. "Where the hell are we?" he says, staring around.
Go west
You follow Zarf through the west wall. You hear Melvin yelling, "Bad bird! Bad!"

Control Room (as Peter and Valerie)
This is the control room for all the machinery nearby. The controls are all magical, of course. The walls are covered by blinking lights and shifting displays, interspersed with arcane dials and glowing buttons. It's all very mysterious looking. The exit, to the northwest, leads into a room with machinery which would surely crush you if you were to attempt to enter it.
A scroll of old, brittle parchment is here.
"Crash!" A huge hammer smashes against the stone floor outside.

Zarf says, "Take the scroll."
You get scroll
(the brittle scroll)
Peter takes the brittle scroll.

Zarf says, "I need to take my own detour. You two, take the northwest exit, wait for Melvin, and incapacitate him. Lay a trap if need be. I'll rejoin you after."

"Crash!" A huge hammer smashes against the stone floor outside.

"Are you sure we can get through that?" Peter asks.

Zarf touches a shadow and vanishes.

"Oh. Great."

"Crash!" A huge hammer smashes against the stone floor outside.

Melvin bursts in from the east wall, covered with talon scratches and roc feathers. "Note to self: Don't mess with the roc egg," he says.
You take the scroll
Which do you mean, the brittle scroll or the stained scroll?
Go northwest
You make it across the room, but just barely; just as you duck through the door, a huge hammer crashes down behind, missing by an inch. Something you stepped on along the way clicked as well, and with a horrible screeching noise, the machinery speeds up, crashing faster and faster until it's twice as fast as before.

From behind, you hear Melvin cry, "Hey! No fair!" That machinery ought to slow him down for at least a minute or two.

Dead End (as Peter and Valerie)
It is the classic dead end. More than that, it is the archetypal dead end. Nowhere forward, nowhere back. The ceiling shocks with its height, the walls oppress with their closeness. There are no exits.

Melvin will be here at any moment.

"Do we know what to do?" Valerie asks Peter.

"I hope so, or we're dead." Peter says.
Inventory
You are carrying:
a brittle scroll
a stained scroll
a shovel
a blanket
a crossbow
You look at brittle
The scroll reads "kulcad spell: dispel a magic spell". The spell seems very long and extremely complicated.

You hear the distant crash of a giant hammer, followed by a small shriek from Melvin. It sounded more disappointed than fatal.
You look at stained
The scroll reads "caskly spell: cause perfection."
Dig
What do you want to dig?
Shovel
Peter attacks the soft ground with the shovel. It seems to magically bite large chunks at a time, like a ravenous rodent burrowing into angel food cake. The scooped material seems to vanish like evaporating bubbles, leaving only a deep pit behind.

Unfortunately, Peter himself ends up at the bottom of it.

There is a terrific crash and then a fast series of metallic whupping noises. Melvin comes limping in through the southeast wall, looking the worse for wear. Several spears are skewered in his sides, and one leg drags limply behind him.

"My ray gun got smashed by the hammer," he mopes.He looks down in the pit and laughs. "What are you doing down there, digging a latrine? Don't worry about that. Time to die."

With a steely 'snikt', long metal blades protrude out of his knuckles.
Look around
Inside Zarf's Brain (as Peter)
The noise is really loud here, and there is more to see. A visual juxtaposition mars your sense of place. The walls are angular but smooth, are a warm red, living rock, are cold dead clay and calcite. Cave tunnels lead in all directions, but without a compass or a way to mark your trail, you sense that you could easily get lost.

You can see a control panel, Valerie and Zarf here.

There is a sound like a vacuum implosion, and a flash of light. Melvin tumbles into view, holding some sort of ray gun.

"He's got a gun!" shouts Valerie.

Zarf says, "Follow me, please."

Zarf leaves to the northwest.
Go northwest
Melvin fires the ray gun, which emits a sizzling noise and a bright stripe of electric blue laser light. "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!" he screams. The two of you narrowly dodge the beam and follow Zarf down the tunnel.

Tunnels (as Peter and Valerie)
A huge cavern rises above you. The far reaches are lost in shadow mist, and the vaults above fade into a darkness pierced with long columns of stone. Chill water drips and pools in broken declivities. You can hear little else. A river of smoke-grey travertine flows down one wall of the chamber. Pale fungi gleam in phosphorescence somewhere above. Gloomy side chambers stretch off in many directions.

You can see Zarf here.

Zarf says, "We're going to need a few things. Try to keep up."

Zarf walks down through the floor. Vivid gold light flares around him.
You go northwest
If you don't follow Zarf, you will surely be killed.

Melvin enters from the southeast. "Aha! There you are, my pretties!" he cackles.
You dig the shovel
Peter attacks the soft ground with the shovel. It seems to magically bite large chunks at a time, like a ravenous rodent burrowing into angel food cake. The scooped material seems to vanish like evaporating bubbles, leaving only a deep pit behind.

Unfortunately, Peter himself ends up at the bottom of it.
Leave
There are no exits.

You hear the distant crash of a giant hammer, followed by a small shriek from Melvin. It sounded more disappointed than fatal.
You put the blanket on the hole
Putting things on the deep pit would achieve nothing.

You hear the distant crash of a giant hammer, followed by a small shriek from Melvin. It sounded more disappointed than fatal.
You cover the pit with the blanket
Valerie throws the blanket across the opening of the pit, covering it completely.
Caskly blanket
The casting feels wrong, and you are momentarily blinded.

There is a terrific crash and then a fast series of metallic whupping noises. Melvin comes limping in through the southeast wall, looking the worse for wear. Several spears are skewered in his sides, and one leg drags limply behind him.

"My ray gun got smashed by the hammer," he mopes."Hey, where's your boyfriend? You two get separated? Don't worry, you guys will have a touching reunion in Hell."

With a steely 'snikt', long metal blades protrude out of his knuckles.
You check your inventory
You are carrying:
a stained scroll

Melvin takes a limping step forward and, like the idiot he always was, falls for the trap and topples into the pit, just barely missing Peter.

In the Pit (as Peter)
You are down in the bottom of the pit. Crudely carved, spongy walls lead up to a narrow opening.

You can see a blanket here.

Melvin looks like he's gotten the wind knocked out of him, if that's possible. Probably getting past the crashing machinery trap took more out of him than you guessed. He stands up woozily.
You look at stained
The scroll reads "caskly spell: cause perfection."

There is a terrific crash and then a fast series of metallic whupping noises. Melvin comes limping in through the southeast wall, looking the worse for wear. Several spears are skewered in his sides, and one leg drags limply behind him.

"My ray gun got smashed by the hammer," he mopes."Hey, where's your boyfriend? You two get separated? Don't worry, you guys will have a touching reunion in Hell."

With a steely 'snikt', long metal blades protrude out of his knuckles.
You look at the scroll
The scroll reads "caskly spell: cause perfection."

Melvin takes a limping step forward and, like the idiot he always was, falls for the trap and topples into the pit, just barely missing Peter.

In the Pit (as Peter)
You are down in the bottom of the pit. Crudely carved, spongy walls lead up to a narrow opening.

You can see a blanket here.

Melvin looks like he's gotten the wind knocked out of him, if that's possible. Probably getting past the crashing machinery trap took more out of him than you guessed. He stands up woozily.
You shoot Melvin with the crossbow
You shoot the crossbow at Melvin, who is too disoriented to deflect the bolt. It plunges straight into his gizzard. "EEEAGH!!" he cries his last, before exploding into a million shiny pieces. Melvin is no more.

"That was funky," Valerie says from above.
Gnusto scroll
You don't have a spell book.

"Come on up," Valerie calls down to you.
You go up
Peter climbs out of the pit and rejoins Valerie.

Dead End (as Peter and Valerie)
It is the classic dead end. More than that, it is the archetypal dead end. Nowhere forward, nowhere back. The ceiling shocks with its height, the walls oppress with their closeness. There are no exits.

A deep pit has been dug here by Peter.

Zarf appears in a cloud of orange smoke, wearing a long blue cloak with electroluminescent highlights. He surveys the scene calmly. "Okay," he says, retrieving the blanket and the crossbow.

What would you like to say?
[1]How do we get out of here?
1
"Like this," he says, and withdraws a small white cube and a spell book from his cloak.

-- glaring light...

[Hit any key.]
File Room (as Peter and Valerie)
The room is a disaster area. Ruined cabinets lie everywhere, the remains of a once mighty (but very silly) army. The exploded pulsating copier machine innards are leaking trails of acrid ochre smoke into the air. Scorched company documents, flung willy nilly in the battle, carpet the floor, hiding only the smallest of the many scuffs and scratches.

The secret door lies exposed in the wall.

You can also see Zarf here.

"Now," says Zarf. "Your turn again."
Caskly
Zarf says, "Try the other one first."
Gnusto
What do you want to gnusto?
Inventory
You are carrying:
a brittle scroll
a stained scroll
You examine brittle
The scroll reads "kulcad spell: dispel a magic spell". The spell seems very long and extremely complicated.
You look at stained
The scroll reads "caskly spell: cause perfection."
Kulcad door
Peter intones the Kulcad scroll. It is long and complicated, and he stumbles over the unfamiliar language. However, the magic is too powerful to be constrained. The more he reads, the clearer his pronunciation becomes, as the magic works through him. As he finishes the incantation, there is a noise like the rushing of open wind through a great tunnel. The secret door ripples and shimmers, trapped in a state between reality and mirage. Then, so suddenly that it is missed in a blink, the door is gone, leaving only a blank wall. There is no trace that it had ever been here.

Zarf nods. "Now the other," he says.
Caskly
Valerie intones the caskly spell. The room begins to melt; plaster, plastic, metal, and glass drip down like wax; loose papers lift and twirl in swelling eddies, spinning upwards from all directions.

Then, familiar forms start reasserting themselves. Torn pages mend themselves out of the whirlwind, flowing back into place. Cabinet after cabinet slots itself into position, drawers agape, eating documents that file themselves. All is changed. The copier machine refuses its alien origins and becomes happily mudane, humming to life and churning out copies of a wonderfully boring document.

"What just happened?" Valerie asks.

"Take a look," says Zarf.
You look at machine
The copier has a lid which covers a big pane of glass, and a panel with buttons. The big green button makes copies. That's all you've ever needed to push on it. In fact, your annoying supervisor, Melvin Prufrock, impressed upon you, at stammering length, how temperamental the machine is, and how expensive copier repair guys are. Bah.
You look
File Room (as Peter)
The file room looks considerably cleaner, perhaps better than before. The reassuring familiarity of its short, slumping ceiling seems now to brighten your morale. Short file cabinets, marked in reverse alphabetical order, stand in a clean line along the walls like a perfect set of teeth. A window affords a beautiful view and a kind square of sunlight.

"Congratulations, that's the end of the story," says Zarf, pacing back and forth. "But, that's not *really* the way it happened, is it?"

What would you like to say?
[1]Yes.[2]No.
1
"Don't be absurd. You have an active imagination; that much is true. The rest of it -- a patchwork, a pastiche! Let me refresh your memory for you." You see a glint of something shiny in his hand.

-- glaring light...

[Hit any key.]
At last, your troubled fortunes seemed to come to an end. It all happened very quickly: the callback from Red Hat, the bizarre interview with Human Resources, the handshake, the filling out of W-2 forms, and then your first day of work.

And then the next day of work, and the next, and the next. Life goes on, routinely and normally, happily ever after.
Notes
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Endnotes
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Go north
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Author's end notes
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