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"Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"
Go to Blogger edit html and find these sentences.Now replace these sentences with your own descriptions.
"Give me your money," he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!" "In that case," replied the robber, "Give me MY money!"
The victims contacted me while playing CoD.
An Australian, an Irishman an Englishman and one other man was sitting in a bar.
They stared and stared, and looked again and realised it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.
The Irishman calls out, "Hey! You!!! Are you Jesus?"
The man looks over at him, smiles and says "yes I am"
The Irishman says to the bartender give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."
The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to him
Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles and drinks.
The Englishman then says, "How d you do Sir and would you be Jesus?"
Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus.
This the bartender does, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles.
Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! g'day are you Jesus, or what?"
Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus."
The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a VB for Jesus, this he accepts with pleasure.
Later Jesus approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman andshakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of Oh my God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. The Englishman's eyes widen in shock. By Jove", he exclaims, "The blood pressure I've had for years is gone. It's a Miracle!"
Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.
The Aussie whispers."Piss off mate, I'm on Workers Comp!"
You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?
Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest
Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes
Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes
Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic
Until Bush did 9:11
Patient: "Thanks Doc, but I'm not John"
Surgeon: "I know, I am"
Because it's white and settles on their land.
He was a her-before
It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs
I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.
... the pirate has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and an eye patch like a steroetypical pirate. The man is super curious but he simply nods hello and turns back to his beer. After another pint he summons the courage to turn and ask, "If you don't mind me asking, how did you get the wooden leg?"
"Oh, about ten years back I was hoistin' the mainsail and I slipped an' fell into the ocean, and a shark bit me leg off. I barely survived." The pirate responded without turning.
"Wow, sorry to hear that..." the man sheepishly replies and turns back to his beer. Another beer in, he turns back and asks, "What about the hook, how did you lose your hand?".
"Our ship was boarded by a fierce crew of rival pirates and a sword fight broke out. I was swashbuckling a filthy bilge rat from the other ship and he cut me hand clear off. I then ran him through. I got the hook the next time we were in port." was the pirate's answer.
The man was now totally in awe of the life of this pirate sitting a few feet from him. "And the eye? How did you lose the eye?" was the man's next obvious question.
The pirate turned and looked at the man, "One day I was looking up into the blue sky of the open ocean, and a seagull took a shit right in my eye." The pirate pointed his hook at his eye patch.
A bit confused, the man replied, "And that caused you to lose the eye??".
"Well, it was my first day with the hook." said the pirate.
So I shot him. Judge gave me 20 years. Problem Solved.
One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off an Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a Coke.”
“No problem,” said the Israeli, “Stay there, I’ll get it for you.”
While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spat in it. When the Israeli returned with the Coke, the other Arab said,
“That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.”
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it too.
The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“How long must this go on?” he asked. “This enmity between our people…this hatred…this animosity…this spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?”
There was still nothing, but now you could see it.
Seeing the great body of water, Mr Trump felt the need to reassure the two others of his countries militaristic superiority.
"Folks, I can tell you, our Navy Submarines, are so big and so good, would you believe it, they can stay dived from the moment they leave the Port, to the day they enter it again 6 Months later. You haven't ever seen such great Submarines in your entire life, folks."
Putin, not looking really impressed, answerers:
"That's great, Donald. But my new Nuclear Submarines can stay submerged for almost an entire year. They are able to drive around the whole world without refueling, restocking, surfacing. What do you think of that?"
The two turn to Angela Merkel, and ask, "How long can the German Submarines stay dived, Mrs Merkel?"
Before Mrs Merkel can answer, the water next to them starts bubbling, and a big grey hull emerges from the sea. As soon as it comes to rest, the hatch on the tower creeks open, and a man in black uniform steps out. He raises his hand, and shouts, "Heil Hitler, we need more Diesel."
So when they return to the harbor they can Scandinavian.
A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.
"Jump in", I yelled, "I'll give you a lift home". "Fuck off!", he shouted back. 'What an ungrateful bastard' I thought as I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.
So I took down his confederate flag.
He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?” She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston." He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?” “Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.” Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," "How much will you charge me?" he asks.
The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,
"Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"
He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"
The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been binge reading on
[/r/jokes](/r/jokes) lately."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Bentley."
Always Tolkien in her sleep...
Frowning, I held up the menu and said ‘you just choose something from this book of food’
Wait never mind that makes no cents.
The store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children, are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling and said, "Hell no they are not, one is 9 and the other is 7. Why the hell would u think they're twins, Are u blind, or just bloody stupid?"
The clerk replied,"I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would fuck u twice."
The scout leader says, "But that snake is venomous. Poison is ingested or absorbed, while venom is injected. Let's get it right next time, boys."
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet, and we wound up having sex right then and there!
Gosh I love my new taser
Chemistry Professor: Now, class, here I have a beaker of H2SO4, and here I have a gold ring. Suppose I drop the ring into the sulphuric acid. Will the gold dissolve?
Student: No
Professor: Good. And will you please tell us why not?
Student: If it would dissolve, you wouldn’t put it in.
...and he is a pretty horny. There are no other apes around but he sees the lion eating a boar and he thinks about it and decides that a hole is a hole so he jumps down and fucks the lion in the ass. the lion lets out a terrifying roar and whips around but the gorilla has already finished and is running through the jungle now.
The gorilla knows he can't outrun the lion and he is gaining fast. Just then the gorilla hears the clanking of dishes and human voices. He turns and runs into the camp and everyone runs and the sight of this 600 lb Silverback Gorilla. The gorilla goes into an empty tent and picks up a already lit cigar shoves it in his mouth, throws on a jungle helmet and hurriedly sits down and picks up the discarded newspaper.
Just then the lion busts through the tent flaps and looks around and asks "Excuse me sir, have you seen a gorilla come through here?"
Without lowering the paper or showing his face, the gorilla in a very convincing English accent replies " Is this the same gorilla that fucked the lion in the ass?" The lion taken aback, grabs his own face and shrieks
"IT'S ALREADY IN THE PAPERS?!?"
The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep."
The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing."
So they pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. Nothing. There's no noise.
The first guy says, "Jeeez. That is really deep. I know, let's throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."
So they pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait... Again, nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. Then the first guy gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey, over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over. When we toss that sucker in, it's gotta make some noise."
So the two of them drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Once again, not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen and look at each other in amazement.
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. He asks them, "Hey, you two guys seen my goat out here?"
The first guy says, "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever saw. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole and disappeared!"
"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiney new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that !
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen.
"Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still in that ditch with my Harley, I guess."
I told her we use names here.
I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.
He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”
“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”
"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.
He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”
The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.
Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."
The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.
The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.
"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"
The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.
"What seems to be the problem, sir?"
"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"
The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.
"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."
You can hide but you can’t run.
First, he goes to the tuxedo store to rent a tux, there was a huge line and he finally got the tux after 30 minutes. Next, he goes to the flower shop to buy a bouquet of flowers. There was an even longer line and he waited for 60 minutes to finally get the flowers. Finally, he went to the car shop to rent a limousine. The line lasted 90 minutes and he finally rented a white limousine. On the day of prom, he wears his tuxedo, drives the limousine, and gives the flowers to his crush. At prom, his crush asked him to go grab her a drink. He walks over to the punch table, there is no punchline...
A chicken farmer stopped in local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perked up and said, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence" the farmer said. "This is a special day for me. I am celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating," said the woman.'
"What a coincidence!" said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynaecologist told me that at last I am pregnant!"
"What a coincidence!" said the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" said the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?''
"I used a different cock," he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said, "What a coincidence!"
A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would take the penguins there. He agrees. Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and look happy. "I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the first driver. The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to the cinema now.
An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks. In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball. In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick. One of the visitors asked the guide, "So is this tank for the more serious dolphins?" The guide said, "Yes, for all intensive porpoises."
I'd have 1,526 pennies.
Apparently you're not allowed to nudge the nearest co-worker and say, "get a load of this guy" every time someone walks in.
That’s what happens when you cut corners
I am never working for a calendar company again.
They remember what the first fat man did to them.
I said to a fat girl today,
"You're a big girl!"
She replied, "Tell me something I don't know."
I said, "Salad tastes nice"
...because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
But if you run behind the car you'll get exhausted
He spoke to the on-site general, and told him to line up all of the prisoners in a row.
When all of them were lined up, Hitler went up to the first person and asked him, "How high do you jump?"
The general looked at Hitler, confused, then looked at the prisoner. The prisoner looked back at him, just as confused.
"Eh, mein fuhrer..."
"Ach! Do not shpeaken, generalfeldmarschall! Now, payen sie attention, prisoner, how high iz it you jump?"
The prisoner, slowly, spoke, "One foot."
Hitler turns to his general and says, delighted, "Given zis man a loav ov bread."
The general, astounded said, "B-but, mein fuhrer..."
Hitler shot back with a, "I do not vant to hear it!!" Then, moving to the next prisoner, he asks the same question: "How high can you jump?"
The prisoner replies, "Two feet."
"Give zis man two loaves ov bread!"
"Mein fuhrer, are you veeling vell?"
"SCHTOPP TALKING AND BRINGEN SIE LOAV OV BREAD!"
Hitler then moves to the next prisoner, who has caught onto the pattern. So when he is asked how high he can jump, he announces, "Five to six feet."
Hitler turns to the side, and his general says, "Sir, zhall I getten zis man five loaves ov ze bread?"
Hitler says, "No, schoot zis one. He can jump over ze walls."
In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
I said: "No it doesn't
There were a lot of red flags.
They need the help.
It was full; no place to sit... I took out my mobile, Placed it to my ear and said loudly- "Bro come fast, she's here with someone else... Six couples ran away
I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.....
But then I realized I was just beating a dead horse.
They’re both meat substitutes
She told me that newspapers are old school. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad
That fly didn’t stand a chance.
You can only ran, because its past tents.
He said, “that’s a mirror, dipshit.”
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"
Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
and after getting a little flirty, the woman asks him the last time he made love to a woman. The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, surprised, said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the two made passionate love for an hour. The woman cuddled up to the army general afterward and said "well, you sure haven't forgotten any thing since 1956...". The general looked at her confused and said "well I sure hope not. It's only 2130 now!"
[Military Time joke]
An Englishman and a Scotsman go to a pastry shop.
The Englishman whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't notice.
The Englishman says to the Scotsman: "You see how clever we are? You'll never beat that!"
The Scotsman says to the Englishman: "Watch this, a Scotsman is always cleverer than an Englishman."
He says to the baker, "Give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!"
The baker gives him the cookie which the Scotsman promptly eats. Then he says to the baker: "Give me another cookie for my magic trick."
The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again: "Give me one more cookie... "
The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway. The Scotsman eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: "And where is your magic trick?"
The Scotsman says: "Look in the Englishman's pocket!"
Nothing, he's Gladiator.
Because Rick Astley is British.
There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.
At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs.
'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.'
The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out.
'Spider, walk left'
The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced.
'Spider, move right.'
The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe.
The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence.
'Move left'
The spider didn't move.
'Move right'
Nothing. Forward, backward, no response.
'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'
Mercury is in Uranus
"Susie, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
Susie said "I want to be a doctor."
"Very nice," the nun said. "Jenny what do you want to be when you grow up?"
Jenny said "I want to be a teacher."
"Excellent answer," the nun replied. "Martha what are you going to be when you grow up."
Martha replies "I want to be a prostitute."
Hearing that the nun faints.
The little girls all rush forward to the nun laying on the ground and try to help her. Shortly the nun regains consciousness And says in a weak voice "Martha what did you just say you wanted to be when you grew up?"
Martha says "I said I wanted to be a prostitute."
"Oh thank goodness," the nun said "for a moment I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."
.....And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.
During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.
"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask, "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"
"Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims, "how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!"
Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information.
"EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?" The pope exclaims, "We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"
Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say "Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate."
The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly, "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?"
The aliens respond, "Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?"
I thought to myself "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection."
But.....she did.
I saw the the TV was in very good condition.
"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller
"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied
"So everything else works?" I asked
He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume
"So you're gonna buy it?"
"A TV for 1$ ? Can't turn it down"
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
He said, "Ehh not really. Maybe once in a Blue Moon."
His wife walked in and asked “Are you watching a horror movie?”. He said “No. It’s our wedding tape”
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts "Mickey Mouse!" This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, "What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?"
Blushing, the agent replies, "I got nervous. I meant to shout "Donald, duck!"
Turned out to be a riposte.
EDIT: I'll be en garde now.
His crew (all English defectors), did not like his German methods of leadership. After a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen barely a minute off, he saw several derogatory posters about him taped around the craft. Calling for his first officer, he said: "First Officer, I demand zat ze u-boat be scoured, and every one of zese posters be taken down! Make sure you find who did it and report back to me so zey can be punished!" “Yes of course Captain. I’ll find out who did it, and punish them immediately!” After a few days of questioning crewmen, the first officer was unable to find the perpetrator. Soon after, the posters of the captain reappeared. The captain, becoming increasingly angry, ordered their removal for a second time. After a second round of questioning and poster removal, all was silent for a few days. Then the posters began to reappear. "First Officer!" the captain roared "You are evidently not doing your job, ze posters are back all over ze u-boat, even worse zan before!"
The first officer fired back at the captain. "It's not my fault sir! It's just that everything is always reposted several times on this sub!"
"even this fucking joke."
I said maybe.
A hunter shoots a deer and is pulling it back to his truck
A farmer passes by and says, "Hey you shot that deer on my property. That makes that deer mine." The hunter says, "No way, I tracked it, I shot it, it's mine." The farmer says, "Ok Ok...we'll settle this the old way." "The old way?" "Yes. We'll take turns kicking each other in the nuts and the first guy who can't take it anymore loses. The winner gets the deer." The hunter thinks about this and he says, "Ok, let's do it." The farmer says, "Ok, let me go first." He takes a big wind up and just nails the hunter right in the nuts with his big dirty farmer boots. The hunter doubles over in pain, huffing and puffing for a few minutes. He finally gets up, still panting and says, "Ok Ok...I'm still in...my turn." The farmer says, "Nah, you can keep the deer."
I can’t wait for Santa to come now!!
So men may think on a solution in silence
The instructor called them into a room and said to the first one,
“Take this gun and go into the next room. I want you to assassinate whomever you find there. If you don’t do this, you don’t graduate.”
The man took the gun and went into the next room, where he found his wife. Taking one look at her, he returned to the instructor, threw down his gun and quit, saying, “I can’t do this.”
The next man went into the room and saw his own wife. He hesitated a moment, then he, too, resigned.
The third man took the gun and went into the room. The instructor heard six rapid shots, followed by screams, thuds, crashes, then silence. Then the door opened and out came the third agent all bloody, and his shirt in shreds.
He said to the instructor, “You idiot, you gave me blanks! I had to strangle her!”
She seriously says some stupid shit sometimes.
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.
When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
It was pretty bad at first, but by the end, I liked it.
It didn't help that she was still wearing them.
Or that his whole family was there.
That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.
And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..
holds up two fingers, and says "Five beers, please"
Funnily enough the exact same mark I gave myself when my teacher told us we could mark our own tests and I didn't want to look suspicious
He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and it's citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"
The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their neighbour is"
So I took it and turned it into wine.
I prefer changing your ring tone
My name, my address and my phone number
He then carefully counted out the french fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.
As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously, they were thinking, "That poor old couple...all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple.
The old man said, they were just fine, they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered, "THE TEETH!"
To avoid confusion, she simply named them after the number of their conception. Unfortunately all of them except for #90 died at a very young age.
90 was a little girl who grew up to be a great woman. She married at a young age and gave birth to two children, a daughter and a son. Unlike her own mother, she gave her offspring actual names. But their names don't matter.
One day, the daughter and the son came across a small puppy they found left alone in an alley near their house. They brought it back into their home and fed it, took care of it, and nursed it back to health. But they knew that their mother, 90, wouldn't dare let them keep a dog in their home, so they decided to hide it. In order to continue successfully keeping their dog a secret, they named the dog "This." During conversations about the dog which took place in front of their mother, the daughter and the son would refer to their puppy as "This," so as to avoid any suspicion at all. It worked for a while, but unfortunately a few years later, their secret dog, name of This, died.
And so it goes...
*...only 90's kids will remember This.*
“That’s not funny”
Every week, the organ player eats a banana to keep her energy up before the crowds arrive, but she always seems to have terrible trouble peeling it.
The priest sees an opportunity and decides to swap the banana for his penis. The organ player grabs his tackle and starts fondling it.
A few seconds later as he is about to explode, the crowds start to enter the church. He quickly grabs his meat out of the organ players hands and says, "let me help you with that", handing her a ready peeled banana.
"Ah thank you Father, very kind of you", She says, and eats the fruit.
The next week arrives and the priest tries his luck again, playing his dirty trick on the poor old blind lady. Unfortunately for him, the churchgoers appear before he's finished, so he has to withdraw and give her the ready peeled banana.
"Thank you Father, you're too kind", She says, and eats it up.
The next week arrives and he gives his filthy trick one last try. He switches out her banana with his manhood and lets the unsuspecting organ player grab hold of it.
"Father, I appreciate it when you peel my bananas for me", says the organ player, "but it's not worth it for all the wanking I have to do."
Trump: "Why not? He called to congratulate me!"
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,
"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.
"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.
At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"Pope Francis," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
I just installed it and now all the horny single women in my area have lost interest in me.
Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
**Guaranteed reposts.**
He tells the priest on the other side, 'Father, forgive me, for I have sinned'.
The priest says, 'God forgives all, my son. Tell me, what sin have you committed?'
The old man continues; 'Well, it was 1941, during the war, and there was this Jewish girl whose entire family had been deported. She begged me to let her hide in my house and I said yes, but only if she repaid me with sexual favours'.
The priest nodded thoughtfully, and replied; 'Well, what you did was certainly lustful, but you did a greater act of good by sheltering the persecuted in your home. God will surely forgive you for that.'
'Thank you, father' replied the old man, and as he was about to leave, he said; 'Oh, father?'
'Yes, my son?'
'Do I have to tell her the war's over?'
...when he spots an old man in the corner, crying.
Jesus approaches the man: "Hey you! This is Heaven! You can't be sad here! This is the ultimate prize! People go to church every day of their lives to end up here! Stop crying, you should be happy to have gotten in!"
The old man composes himself, wipes the tears from his eyes and says to Jesus, "I'm sorry". Jesus thinks that maybe he's been a bit too harsh and asks the man "Why are you so sad?"
The man explains, "Many years ago, before I got here, I was a poor carpenter, we didn't have much. My son wasn't even born in a proper hospital! I had hoped my son would follow me into the carpentry trade but..."
Naturally, this strikes a chord with Jesus. "Well what happened to your son?" he asks.
"Well, one day my son had to go on a big adventure! He was gone, and I never saw him again. The reason I'm crying is that I had hoped to reunite with him here!"
Now it is Jesus who is crying. Tears streaming down his face, he can't quite believe who he's talking to. He holds up his hands and ventures "And did your son have holes in his hands like these?"
The old man is overwhelmed with joy: "I don't believe it! Is it really you?"
"My father!" cries Jesus.
"My Pinocchio!" cries the man.
"So Greg, I've been informed that you attempted suicide the other day. Is this correct?" asks the therapist.
"Yes, it is unfortunately true. My wife decided to divorce me and the kids chose to live with her, it struck me hard man." said Greg.
"I know this is gonna be hard for you to do, but could you please explain what exactly happened during your suicide attempt and what stopped you?" the therapist asks.
"Well I drove up to this cliff with the door locked and sat for 'bout a minute contemplating whether to just drive off and end it all. Luckily there were a dozen people who really didn't want me to give up just yet, and caused me not to." said Greg.
"Sound like extraordinary people, who exactly were they?" the therapist responds.
"The people in the back of the bus." Greg answers.
"That's nuts!" I exclaimed.
So he had something to read as he bled to death.
But when a girl sleeps with tons of guys, somehow I’m not one of them.
Because he is the mother fucking son.
I asked, “
*Why??*”
He said, “Because. I’m trying to complete your examination and you’re making things really awkward right now.”
He orders a pint and tells the landlord, "I've been blind for 50 years lad. My hearing's perfectly attuned. I bet can tell you what's happening in any room in this pub."
"Oh really", says the landlord, "go ahead then".
The old man cups a hand round his ear, tilts his head to the ceiling and listens. "In your bathroom, upstairs, the one at the end of the corridor... a tap's been left on."
Skeptical, the landlord sends his nephew upstairs to check. His nephew returns and confirms the findings. "Could've been luck", says the landlord, "Go on, try again..."
The old man cups his ear, tilts his head to the floor and listens. "In your cellar", he says, "I can hear scurrying. You have a rat infestation."
"You're talking rubbish." says the landlord, and sends his nephew to check. He returns and the old man is right, again!
Now intrigued, the landlord urges him to try again.
He cups a hand round his ear and listens to somewhere behind the bar. "Ah, in the storeroom down that corridor", he says, "someone's having at it in there right now".
The nephew goes and checks the store room, and what d'ya know, he finds two of the bar staff shagging away in there.
"Bloody hell old man, you truly are incredible", says the landlord, "what else can you hear?"
The old geezer hushes the landlord, places his head on the bar and listens for a while.
He lifts his head off the bar and says, "Yep, your beer pump is definitely out of action".
The landlord checks the pump... "Ha! You're wrong old man. It's working perfectly!"
"Well then, where's my fucking pint?"
"I'll have an H2O."
"I'll have an H2O too."
The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic context.
Teach a Nigerian to phish and he becomes a prince.
He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.
Wife replies, Take half and leave your sorry ass. Husband replies, Good, I won 12 dollars, here's 6 now get the hell out!
The second one says, "I'll also have a glass of water. Why are you referring to it so strangely. We're not at work anymore."
The first scientist goes into the bathroom and cries. His assassination attempt has failed.
Haha - laughing
Hahaha - saracstic laughing
Hahahaha - Staying Alive
He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Irish baby boy." Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks.....so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born." The father takes a slow swig from his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says, "Had him circumcised."
The bartender asks, "What's less?" The guy says "I don't know but the doctor told me I have to start drinking it."
...so when people ask 'are you fucking insane?' I can say 'no I'm fucking my sister'
When he asks what the man behind the counter recommends, the man brings out a large fish. "My goodness!" The priest exclaims. "That fish is huge!" "Yeah." The man replies. "It's a big son of a bitch." The priest says "Sir. Please mind your language." Thinking quickly, the man says "Oh. No. The name of the fish is a Son of a Bitch." Relieved, the priest tells him. "Well in that case, I'll take the son of a bitch with me."
Later on, the priest shows the fish to the bishop at the church. "My word." The bishop says. "That's quite a fish." The priest tells him. "I know. Maybe we can cook the son of a bitch later." The bishop says "I've worked with you for years and I've never heard you use such language." The priest explains "Oh. The name of the fish is a Son of a bitch. So it's quite fine." "Is that so?" The bishop says. "Well the pope is visiting. We can have the son of a bitch for dinner.
Later at dinner, the priest, the bishop and the pope are eating the fish. The priest says. "This son of a bitch is delicious." Then the bishop says "I've never had a son of a bitch this good." The pope puts down his fork and says "You know, you motherfuckers are alright.
Since no one can get the fuck over them.
He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that,I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk.
All things considered a pretty good trade.
Girl: What?
Boy: When you fell from heaven.
Girl: Awwwwwwwwww. How did you know?
Boy: Your face looks fucked up.
You would think it be R, but tis' the C they love.
When it leaves and never comes back
His father's face went pale. He gave the boy $100 and told him to keep quiet about it.
Happy that the trick worked, he then went to his mother and said, "Your secret is out now mom. It's no use hiding it." Just like his dad, his mom was shocked too. She gave the boy $200 and told him to keep quiet about it.
Excited, the boy thought who should he try the trick on next when he saw the postman outside his house. He approached the postman and said, "Your secret is out now mister. It's no use hiding it." The postman, completely shocked, hugged the boy and said, "I am glad you finally know it son."
He sits down at the the bar and start drinking a beer. The guy next to him ask: you know kung fu or karate or any or this shit? The asian guy replies: why you ask this, is because I chinese? The other guy replies no it’s because you’re drinking my fucking beer.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.
The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'"
"That's awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I've taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."
The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest's house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
"Hi, we're prostitutes," say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close that Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered so the teacher picked on a random student
Little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her,
"Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,
"Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued.
"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -Whap!- against the door. He does this again and again. No answer. So he jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass......... It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
The bartender comes up to him and says: "Hey man, you seem down. What's up?"
The guy replies: "We buried my dad two days ago".
The bartender says: "I'm so sorry man. When did he die?".
The guy replies: "I don't know, probably yesterday".
They thought I should have called an ambulance first...
Two blondes won a joy ride in a helicopter. As they reached maximum altitude one turned to the other and said "I hope nothing goes wrong, have they got enough fuel?" The other responded "I hope so too, imagine if they ran out, we'd be stuck up here forever!"
A man walks into a resort and the first sign he sees says “Lool Area”. He was confused and asked one of the employees about it. “Yes, we have this tradition here where we replace the ‘P’ of a word that starts with P with an ‘L’” The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no other rules, he’d be fine. The man saw toured the resort and eventually came upon the cafeteria. There was a sign which read, “Serving Lerogies and Lork tonight” Thinking about the food made the man hungry, so he went around looking for food. He went around the whole resort but he only ever found a line for breakfast and for dinner, both of which were closed since it was 12:30. Confused and hungry, the man found the employee and asked: “Where’s the lunchline?”
The street performer noticed that they all have poor eye sight so he asked them whether they can see him and they responded: "Yes" "Oui" "Sì" "Ja"
"Who was that?" asked my wife.
"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.
"Did you help him?" she asked.
"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"
"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"
She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes."
"Do you still need a push?"
"Yes please."
"Where are you?"
"Over here...on the swing."
But it does have a Liverpool
The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a nice place to live in when they come down here!"
They continue walking through the nice park, flowers everywhere, and the devil shows the atheist a garage full of beautiful cars. "These are your cars now!" and hands the man all the car keys. Again, the atheist tries to thank the devil, but he only says "Everyone down here gets some cool cars! How would you drive around without having cars?".
They walk on and the area gets even nicer. There are birds chirping, squirrels running around, kittens everywhere. They arrive at a fountain, where the most beautiful woman the atheist has ever seen sits on a bench. She looks at him and they instantly fall in love with each other. The man couldn´t be any happier. The devil says "Everyone gets to have their soulmate down here, we don´t want anyone to be lonely!"
As they walk on, the atheist notices a high fence. He peeks to the other side and is totally shocked. There are people in pools of lava, screaming in pain, while little devils run around and stab them with their tridents. Other devils are skinning people alive, heads are spiked, and many more terrible things are happening. A stench of sulfur is in the air.
Terrified, the man stumbles backwards, and asks the devil "What is going on there?" The devil just shrugs and says: "Those are the christians, I don´t know why, but they prefer it that way"
edit: fucked up punchline, thanks to
[u/Tjurit](/u/Tjurit) for pointing out
He wakes up the next day and realizes he lost his wallet.
All he can remember about the bar was the red door out front and the golden toilet in the back.
He goes to every bar in town until he finds one with a red door.
He goes in and asks the bartender, “hey man I got really drunk last night and lost my wallet... all I remember is your red door and golden toilet... any chance you remember me?”
Bartender says, “yeah you were here last night” then yells to the back, “hey Frank found the guy that shit in your tuba.”
Dad: That’s a very low goal. Have some ambition
Child: How about being a doctor?
Dad: That’s right!
Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....
Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?
Light blue.
Whats green and doesn't weigh much?
Light green.
Whats pink and doesn't weigh much?
Light pink
Whats black and doesn't weigh much?
African children.
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
The shopkeeper bends down to her level, smiling, "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabby, or maybe one like that cute wittle bwown wabby over there?"
The little girl leans forward and whispers, "I don't fink my pyfon really giveths a thit."
Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says
"No more girls' night out. My wife came back with no panties."
"You think you have it bad?" says the other, "Mine came back with a card stuck in her crack that read 'from all of us at the fire station... we will never forget you."
Just this morning she asked me "Is that the best you can do?"
You might see a new one every four years or so.
When a sex scene came on. "well son, time for bed" the father says. "but dad, I'm 15 now!" the son complains. The father replies "I don't care how old you are son, you're not watching me masturbate"
I don't know either but it's in my kitchen please help.
Me: Yes
Wife: And also covered in ... oil?
Me: Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
Wife: Listen! You never listen!
Me: Ohh
Glad to know I'm in the other 2%.
Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.
Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin.
3...
3...3...
2...
2... 2... **1**... 1... 1...
The foghorn sounds and they are released!
The infected zombie girls
**CHARGE** into the arena. The girl labelled 'E' is taken out, then 'B' and 'K' both taken down.
The fight is pushed towards the edge of the arena. They smash into the fence and it gives way. The infected zombie girls break free into the crowd!
"Oh SHIT!", shouts Frank, "LET'S GO!" And he points to the scaffolding further up the stands.
Frank and Jim ascend the scaffolding and reach the top. They look into the arena as the entire crowd of spectators is completely devoured by these terrifying creatures.
Ed is stuck at the bottom, he's simply to big to climb. They watch as one of the infected girls labelled 'S' sprints at Ed faster than a bullet and consumes him in the blink of an eye.
All 50,000 spectators were dead, all accept Frank and Jim.
"Fuckin' hell Frank", says Jim, "That 'S' gal ate Ed quickly"
So there God was creating the earth. Along comes the archangel Michael and starts to get curious. "What are you makin', there?" "I'm designing the earth. A wonderful planet of perfect balance." God smiles.
"Balance?" Michael asked confused.... "How so?"
"Well, have a look. You see the two ends? They're cold, but the middle is very warm. So it balances out." God could see that Michael almost got it. "See how she spins. That gives half of it light and the other half dark. Always changing, but always balanced." Michael smiled finally getting it. That's when a little green island caught his eye. "What's that island?"
With this, God put on an even bigger smile. "She's a beauty, isn't see? That's Ireland. Perfect weather, perfect hunting and fishing, the best beer and the most beautiful girls in the world." Michael was impressed but said. "Its amazing, but how do you balance out something so wonderful?
God shrugged. "I put it next to England."
Happy St. Paddy's to all
I'm onto you, I WILL find you, and I WILL kill you.
Edit: No you won't
You'll hate it as an adult if you were forced to have it as a kid.
but when I do, he tells me to get my fucking life together and stop being a disappointment.
I can't stop coming to conclusions
Would it kill them to write few sentences?
Last week a passenger in a cab, leaned over and tapped the driver to get his attention
The driver screamed and lost control, almost hit a bus and drove over a curb
For a few moments everything was quiet and then the scared shitless can driver asked if the women was alright
She said “yeah but I didn’t know a tap on the shoulder would scare you that badly”
The driver said ”I’m sorry it was my fault, today is my first day as a cab driver, I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years”
“Yeah, I just found out my oldest son is gay.”
The next day, the same guy comes into the bar and asks for six more double vodkas.
When the bartender asks what’s wrong, the man says, “I just found out that my youngest son is gay, too!”
On the third day, the guy comes into the bar and orders another six double vodkas.
The bartender says, “Jesus! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women!?”
The man downs the first drink and shakes his head, “Yeah, my wife!”
The first logician says, "I don't know." The second logician says, "I don't know." The third logician says, "Yes!"
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 42,810 matches.
"Sure, but we ain't taking you. You're a skinny little shit and this is work for a big man."
Outraged, the skinny lumberjack rips the hatchet right off the bigger lumberjack's belt, walks over to a redwood tree, and knocks it down with one swing.
"Ok, then, you're hired. Just tell me this: where on earth did you learn a skill like that?"
"the sahara forest" the scrawny lumberjack replies.
"you mean sahara desert?"
"sure, if that's what they call it now."
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY MAN. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS JUNK. HE IS OFFERING UP AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE 8 AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT. IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
A small zoo in Alabama acquires a rare gorilla, who quickly becomes agitated. The zookeeper determines that the female ape is in heat, but there are no male apes available for mating.
The zookeeper approaches a janitor with a proposition. "Would you be willing to have sex with this gorilla for $500?" he asks.
The janitor accepts the offer, but only on three conditions: "First, I don't want to have to kiss her. And second, you can never tell anyone about this." The zookeeper agrees to the conditions and asks about the third.
"Well," says the janitor, "I'm gonna need about a week to come up with the $500."
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
"Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?"
If you want to speak with me I'll be in my lab.
Although I’m not entirely sure rotating people through the cabinet counts as creating jobs but the effort is certainly present.
Give a man a bank and he'll rob the world.
He showed me a naked picture of my wife.
I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch. I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIL in its centre. Now,the Yorkshire police, the National Security Bureau, Scotland Yard, MI-5, MI-6, the CIA and every other intelligence service in Europe are all watching my house 24x7x365. My children are followed to school every day and my wife when she goes shopping. I'm followed to and from work every day. So no one bothers me at all. I've never felt safer.
... and sees a a beautiful girl. After an hour, he goes to try talking to her:
-Excuse me, can we talk for some minutes?
Afterwards, the girl screams:
-NO! I Don't wanna sleep with you!
Now everyone in the bar looks weird to them. Obviously, the guy, ashamed, goes back to his table and asks for a beer. Several minutes later, the girl comes to him, smiles and tell him:
-Sorry if i made you feel bad. I'm studying psychology and checking how people reacts in awkward situations. After that, the guy screams:
-WHAT? $200?
All the evidence was in the ark hives
...I only look at the covered parts.
A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bar and gets up to leave. A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye "I'm going to sit down and have one more drink, and if my horse isn't back where I left it, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas, And I really don't wanna have to do what I done back in Texas!"
True to his word, he sits down, orders another drink, sits in the [silent] bar and finishes his drink. He then gets up and walks outside and sure enough, his horse is back tied up where he left it. As he's just about to ride off, one of the other patrons timidly asks, "mister? What was it you had to do in Texas?" The cowboy gets a far off look in his eyes and says sadly, "I had to walk home."
She slowly walks up to the cashier at the counter and asks
"d-d-d-d-d-do you s-s-s-s-sell d-d-d-d-dildos?"
The cashier responds. "Yes we do"
The woman says "d-d-d-d-do you s-s-s-s-sell b-b-b-b-big d-d-d-d-dildos that c-c-come wit-with a vi-vi-vi-vibrator?"
Once again the cashier responds "Yes we do"
The woman says "d-d-d-d-do you n-n-n-n-n-know h-h-h-h-h-h-how to t-t-t-t-turn them off?"
Turns out her sister had it all along
She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.
"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"
Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?
"All you do is boss us around all day" said the sheep
"What did you say?" said the farmer
"You herd me" said the sheep
He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels.
One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up?
The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer."
"What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately."
The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him."
God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
so he calls a plumber. The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.
The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people."
The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school.
On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"
"A man who lays with another man should be stoned."
I bet they can't name even 3 of his songs.
But I must say, it's pretty cocky of them to do the problems with their eyes closed.
Teacher: Queue is Just Q followed by 4 Silent letters Me: They aren't Silent, They are waiting their turn
Sign language
Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.
For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins.
First, the MI5 leaves for the forest. When they emerge eight hours later, they carry a live rabbit in a cage. "We posted lookouts around the forest, and after spotting the rabbit, we shadowed it until it showed us his hideout, we then just placed the cage over the entrance and waited for the rabbit to fall in our trap. Neat and simple."
Now, it's the turn of the CIA. They leave into the forest and emerge four hours later, holding a rabbit which seems to have been shot and badly beaten several times. "We used satellite surveillance to aquire our target, but during the tracking with four inconspicious vans, the subject tried to escape, so we had to use drastic measures. Still counts." Nobody objects.
Now, it was the turn of the KGB. The four agents disappear into the forest, and return after only an hour. But they are not carrying a rabbit, but hold a bear between two of the agents. The bear is badly bruised, has a limp and keeps his gaze to the ground. Absently, he mumbles "I am a rabbit. My parents were both rabbits."
I told her that’s great, we can cover more ground that way.
At some point, the warden realizes that the three men haven't been fed in a while. He accompanies an officer to check up on them. The warden and officer arrive at the first cell that contained the engineer. To their astonishment, the cell was empty and the wall had a hole in it.
"How is that possible?" said the officer. "That wall was solid concrete!"
The warden quietly inspected the cell. After a few minutes, he exited and said, "He seems to have built a pick out of the eating utensils we gave him and used it to make the hole."
The warden and officer continued to the next cell that contained the physicist. However, he too was gone and once again there was a hole in the wall. And of course, the warden inspected the cell and returned after a few minutes.
The warden declared, "According to the papers on his bed, he very carefully calculated the weakest point on the wall and repeatedly hit it with a rock until it broke open."
Finally, they arrived at the last cell that contained the mathematician. Unfortunately, he lay dead on the cell floor from starvation. The officer sighed. "After the other two, I would have expected he would have also escaped. He also has some papers on his bed." The warden entered the cell and picked up the papers. Then he shook his head and chuckled.
"It appears," the warden said, "that he spent several days writing a very detailed proof that it was possible to break the wall.
Because their favorite part is when the hooker gives the money back.
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"
The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old."
"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"
The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
Round and irrational.
Happy Pi Day everyone!
No matter how cryptic or vague the joke was, he always figured out the punchline. Soon, people started to make bets with him, trying him out. However, every time was the same, he would win the bet. His popularity rose up and soon people would crowd around him as he took more and more bets, cheering for him.
The word of his popularity reached his dad too. Afraid that his son is becoming too proud, he decided to end it for once and for all. He also made a bet and told a joke, "Love and Sex".
The nerd was completely stumped. For the first time, he couldn't figure out a joke. After thinking for minutes, he gave up and said, "I don't get it".
"Exactly", his father said as the crowd around him burst into laughter.
"I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry" said the genie, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
"Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Republicans get their heads out of their asses!"
"You crafty bastard," said the genie.
These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to go up to Dallas and party with some friends up there. They had a great time. However, after all the partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Austin until early Monday morning.
Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after the final and explain to him why they missed it.
They explained that they had gone to Dallas for the weekend with the plan to come back and study but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result, they missed the final.
The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.
They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet, and told them to begin.
They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points. It was something simple about free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in his separate room. "This is going to be easy."
Each finished the problem and then turned the page. On the second page was written:
(For 95 points): Which tire?
Icy dead people
But when he rounded them up, he had 200.
Who would buy gifts for these people?
Three lady friends had their weekly lunch together. One is engaged, one is a mistress and the third has been married for 20+ years. They were chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes. They agreed to exchange notes at their lunch the next week.
Here's how it all went....
The story of the engaged friend: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and he said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long."
The story of the mistress friend: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat. Under it only the black bra, heels and a mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night."
The story of the married friend: "When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a black mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said. 'What's for dinner Zorro?'"
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Oops, wrong place for this post.
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."
Push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
I don't know how to do it…
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
An Irishman was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.
'Twenty pounds,' she whispers.
Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty pounds. So they hid in the bushes.
They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop.
'I'm making love to me wife,' Paddy answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'
'Well, neither did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!'
One day a wizard, feeling sorry for the statues, brought them to life for 30 minutes. Right away, the two of them ran into some nearby bushes and you could hear all kinds of strange sounds and moans from there. After a while they came back out, giggling. The wizard told them "You have another 15 minutes left, if you want to have another go." The statues looked at each other and the male statue answered "Fine, but this time you hold the pidgeon and i'll shit on it."
"The fear of flying?", I asked.
"No," said dad. "The fear of dying alone."
Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women"
Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women."
Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."
Isn't it great when problems solve themselves?
BOSS: What's going on here?
JAMES: Dave's mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
JAMES: ugh ok FINE. And I, "on purpose", slept with his wife
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
The doctor comes in and informs him that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. Your son is just a head!
But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!"
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out.
The bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."
A suicide vest actually accomplishes something when it's triggered.
"You've taken too much acid."
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
Man: “Yeah but she’s got a great personality”
After date she asked me for a number.
I told her we don't have numbers, we have names.
Robin: Check the battery
Batman: What's a tery?
Eric gets home late one night and Sarah, his wife, asks “where the hell have you been” Eric replies “I’ve been out getting a tattoo”
“A tattoo?” She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates” he said proudly.
“What the hell were you thinking?” She said shaking her head in disgust. “Why on earth would an Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?”
“Well one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how my money feels in my hand. And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a 100 bucks any time you want”
A group of mathematicians and a group of engineers are traveling together by train to attend a conference on mathematical methods in engineering. Each engineer has a ticket whereas only one of the mathematicians has one. Of course, the engineers laugh at the unworldly mathematicians and look forward to the moment the conductor shows up.
Suddenly one of the mathematicians shouts: "Conductor coming!" All the mathematicians disappear into one washroom. The conductor checks the ticket of each engineer and then knocks at the washroom door: "Your ticket, please." The mathematicians stick the one ticket they have under the door, the conductor checks it and leaves. A few minutes later, when it is safe, the mathematicians come out of the washroom. The engineers are impressed.
When the conference has come to an end, the engineers decide that they are at least as smart as the mathematicians and also buy just one ticket for the whole group. This time the mathematicians have no ticket at all...
Again one of the mathematicians shouts: "Conductor coming!". All the engineers rush off to one washroom. One of the mathematicians goes to that washroom, knocks at the door, and says: "Your ticket, please..."

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# 3 lợi ích tuyệt vời của rượu vang
**Rượu vang từ lâu đã nổi tiếng có lợi cho sức khỏe khi sử dụng một cách có điều độ. Hãy cùng Wine Plaza tìm hiểu 3 lợi ích lớn nhất đó nhé!** **1, Rượu vang sẽ giúp bạn trở nên thon thả hơn!** *Rượu vang ngâm trong thùng gỗ sồi kiểm soát cân nặng*
Trong nhiều cuộc khảo sát thực tế gần đây đã chứng tỏ rằng a xít Ellagic trong rượu vang có thể giúp giảm nguy cơ bị bệnh gan nhiễm mỡ - một trong những nguyên nhân chính dẫn đến bệnh béo phì và ung thư gan. Trên thực tế, a-xít Ellagic rất hiếm khi tồn tại trong các loại rượu vang ngâm trong thùng thép. Tuy nhiên, loại a-xít này được chuyển hóa và xuất hiện trong rượu vang dưới dạng chất Ellagitannin được tiết ra từ những thùng gỗ sồi! Rượu vang được ngâm trong thùng gỗ sồi càng lâu thì lượng a-xít Ellagic được hòa tan trong rượu vang càng lớn. Do vậy, uống vang được ngâm lâu trong thùng sồi có thể giúp giảm được nguy cơ gây hại cho sức khỏe, cụ thể là bệnh gan nhiễm mỡ (có thể gây ra bệnh béo phì).
Ai đó làm ơn đưa ngay cho tôi một ly A50 Amarone della Valpolicella nào!
**2, Rượu vang sẽ giúp tăng chỉ số hạnh phúc** *Rượu vang làm bạn hạnh phúc hơn*
Theo rất nhiều nghiên cứu, lượng cồn vừa phải trong rượu vang sẽ kích thích việc giải phóng rất nhiều hợp chất giúp bạn cảm thấy hưng phấn hơn như là Serotonin, Dopamine và a-xít amin Opioid. Đó là những chất tự nhiên do cơ thể sản sinh này sẽ tạo nên cảm giác dễ chịu, thư giãn. Tuy nhiên nếu uống quá mức, bạn sẽ rút cạn Dopamine và Serontonin vì vậy việc duy trì một mức độ uống vừa phải là vô cùng quan trọng.
**3, Rượu vang giúp bạn minh mẫn hơn** * Rượu vang làm bạn minh mẫn và làm chậm quá trình lão hóa*
Những người có thói quen uống rượu vang, đặc biệt là uống vang đỏ, một cách điều độ có khả năng làm chậm quá trình suy giảm trí nhớ và lão khóa một cách rất rõ rệt. Một thí nghiệm vào năm 2014 đã được thực hiện để kiểm tra 7,153 đàn ông và phụ nữ ở độ tuổi 56 về khả năng tập trung, khả năng tiếp thu và khả năng ghi nhớ kéo dài suốt 10 năm. Kết quả thật đáng ngạc nhiên, những người thường xuyên uống rượu vang có kết quả tốt hơn những người kiêng hoặc là không uống rượu cả về khả năng tiếp thu lẫn tập trung.
*Rượu vang là một phần của phong cách sống lành mạnh*
Để tìm hiểu cách uống rượu vang điều độ, bạn hãy tìm hiểu tại bài viết "
[Cách uống rượu vang điều độ"](http://wineplaza.vn/blogs/ke-chuyen-ruou-vang/cach-uong-ruou-vang-dieu-do)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
*Bài viết trên thật ý nghĩa, hãy like và chia sẻ để mọi người biết đến lợi ích tuyệt vời của rượu vang nhé!* **Theo Winefolly** **Bài viết liên quan:** [Beethoven và cái chết êm ái cùng rượu vang](http://wineplaza.vn/blogs/ke-chuyen-ruou-vang/beethoven-va-cai-chet-em-ai-cung-ruou-vang) [Các loại rượu vang đỏ dễ uống mà bạn không thích vị chát của rượu](http://wineplaza.vn/blogs/ke-chuyen-ruou-vang/beethoven-va-cai-chet-em-ai-cung-ruou-vang)

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Design
Với sự ủng hộ của quý khách hàng trong những năm qua, a2 Design xin đưa ra các ý tưởng thiết kế phòng karaoke theo phong cách cổ điển, với mong muốn tạo một không gian sang trọng, lịch sự, đẳng cấp nhất năm 2017 tại tp HCM.

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Thứ tư, ngày 19/09/2018 - 14:13 (GMT+7)
00:23:00
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Kế hoạch không hoàn hảo
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## Hà Nội (áo tím) đánh bại Nam Định 2-0 tại vòng 8 V-League 2018
Chiều 20/5, ba trận đấu cuối cùng vòng 8 V-League 2018 đã diễn ra. Trên sân Thiên Trường, Hà Nội FC dễ dàng vượt qua Nam Định 2-0 nhờ hai bàn thắng của Duy Mạnh và Moses. Trong khi đó, Than Quảng Ninh thảm bại 1-3 trước FLC Thanh Hóa, qua đó để Hà Nội FC nới rộng cách biệt lên thành 6 điểm.
Ở trận đấu còn lại, Quảng Nam để SLNA cầm hòa 1-1 tại Tam Kỳ. Tiền đạo Văn Đức tiếp tục phong độ ấn tượng với pha lập công vào lưới Quảng Nam nhưng đội khách chỉ giành được 1 điểm.
**Kết quả vòng 8 V-League 2018:**
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# TP Hồ Chính Minh, nhà giá rẻ ngày càng hút khách hàng
Nói về thị trường BĐS những tháng cuối năm, đại diện Công ty Tư vấn và nghiên cứu BĐS JLL Việt Nam nhận định thị trường sẽ đón nhận một làn sóng các dự án được hoàn thành, nguồn cung sẽ vẫn duy trì ở mức tốt, chủ yếu từ những dự án đã có các hoạt động giới thiệu sản phẩm từ năm 2017.
Theo vị này, tỷ lệ bán trong các dự án mở bán mới được đánh giá tích cực, do phần lớn các dự án đã khởi động mở bán trước đó. Nhu cầu mua để ở vẫn chiếm lĩnh thị trường. Tâm lý đầu tư được đánh giá giảm nhẹ do áp lực từ nguồn cung dồi dào. Giá sơ cấp sẽ tăng nhờ các dự án mới hoàn thành có chất lượng xây dựng, thiết kế và tiện ích tốt hơn.
Đại diện JLL Việt Nam cho biết, phân khúc trọng tâm trong thời gian tới là phân khúc nhà ở trung cấp và bình dân. Phân khúc giá vừa túi tiền đáp ứng nhu cầu của đa số người dân vẫn dẫn đầu thị trường nhờ nguồn cung tốt cộng với nhiều cải thiện về dịch vụ xây dựng, tiện ích.
Nhu cầu mua để ở sẽ tăng mạnh, phần lớn nhờ vào sự gia tăng thu nhập và chi tiêu nói chung, sự mở rộng của tầng lớp trung lưu tại Việt Nam trong thời gian gần đây; phong cách sống tiện nghi, an toàn ở các dự án chung cư cũng đang được các gia đình trẻ chú ý, sẽ dẫn dắt sự gia tăng nhu cầu căn hộ.
Ông Phan Trường Sơn, Trưởng Phòng Phát triển nhà ở và Thị trường BĐS (Sở Xây dựng TP.HCM), cho rằng nhu cầu nhà ở tại TP.HCM là rất lớn, trên địa bàn có khoảng 470.000 hộ gia đình đang gặp khó khăn về nhà ở. Đây là một thị trường lớn. Mỗi doanh nghiệp có một sở trường khác nhau, do vậy nghiên cứu thị trường và khách hàng của mình thật kỹ nhằm đưa ra sản phẩm tốt nhất.
Thời gian qua, Sở Xây dựng cũng đã phê duyệt nhiều hồ sơ đầu tư dự án thuộc phân khúc nhà giá rẻ, kỳ vọng từ nay đến năm 2019 thị trường sẽ phần nào giải quyết được nhu cầu nhà ở cho người dân thu nhập thấp.
"Qua nghiên cứu cho thấy, nhu cầu nhà ở của người thu nhập thấp ở TP.HCM rất lớn. Đơn cử các dự án nhà ở xã hội chào bán mới đều được mua hết ngay. Nguồn cung hiện chưa đáp ứng được nhu cầu này. Thành phố cũng đang khuyến khích các doanh nghiệp đầu tư mạnh hơn vào phân khúc này. Sắp tới thành phố và Chính phủ sẽ nghiên cứu đưa ra các chính sách nhằm phát triển nhà ở cho thuê. Riêng thành phố sẽ chuẩn bị quỹ đất sạch để sau năm 2020 giao cho các doanh nghiệp bỏ vốn xây dựng nhà ở cho thuê", ông Sơn cho biết.
Ông Ngô Quang Phúc, Tổng giám đốc Phú Đông Group, cho rằng hiện nay người mua nhà, đất được sự hỗ trợ rất lớn từ ngân hàng, chủ đầu tư, nhưng với những người làm công ăn lương, thu nhập trung bình trở xuống, để có một căn nhà không phải dễ. Thời gian qua nhiều chủ đầu tư tập trung vào phân khúc nhà giá trung bình, dao động trên 1 tỷ đồng, cùng với chính sách hỗ trợ lãi vay, thanh toán chậm không lãi suất, cộng với các chương trình kéo giãn tiến độ thanh toán sẽ giúp cho người mua có đủ điều kiện tiếp cận nhà ở.
Trong báo cáo thị trường BĐS TP.HCM 5 tháng đầu năm 2018 mới đây, HoREA cũng dự báo thị trường BĐS các tháng cuối năm 2018 sẽ tiếp tục tăng trưởng, vẫn giữ được ổn định và sẽ không xảy ra "bong bóng". Theo Chủ tịch HoREA Lê Hoàng Châu, phân khúc thị trường căn hộ vừa túi tiền có 1 - 2 phòng ngủ, có giá bán trên dưới 1 tỷ đồng/căn vẫn là phân khúc chủ đạo và có tính thanh khoản cao nhất của thị trường BĐS.
Từ nay đến cuối năm sẽ có nhiều dự án vừa túi tiền mới được tung ra thị trường. Các dự án này sẽ nằm hơi xa khu trung tâm thành phố, nhưng với mạng lưới giao thông đang được đầu tư đồng bộ, việc tiếp cận các khu vực sẽ trở nên dễ dàng, tạo đòn bẩy cho phân khúc này thu hút khách hàng. Phân khúc thị trường cao cấp sẽ có sự tái cấu trúc mạnh mẽ để phù hợp với sức mua của thị trường. Phân khúc thị trường condotel, đất nền phân lô sẽ tiếp tục được kiểm soát và hạ nhiệt.
TP Hồ Chính Minh, nhà giá rẻ ngày càng hút khách hàng
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# Chuyên gia nhân sự bày tuyệt chiêu thành công
**Trong thời buổi kinh tế thị trường, nếu bạn đủ thông minh và nghiêm túc với nghề nghiệp, phải coi mình là món hàng, quan trọng là món hàng đó có thương hiệu hay không và nhà tuyển dụng sẽ trả bao nhiêu tiền cho giá trị mà bạn mang lại – bà Thanh Nguyễn, Giám đốc điều hành Anphabe.com khẳng định.**
Hội thảo “Tự tin khởi đầu thành công mới” do Vietnamworks tổ chức, với sự tham gia của nhiều chuyên gia trong các lĩnh vực kinh doanh, thương mại, như ông Francis Hùng (chuyên gia huấn luyện bán hàng), ông Nguyễn Tuấn Quỳnh (Phó tổng giám đốc Công ty PNJ), bà Thanh Nguyễn (Giám đốc điều hành Anphabe.com) đã mang đến cho người tham dự nhiều kiến thức và kinh nghiệm bổ ích.
**Ấn tượng đầu tiên rất quan trọng**
Các chuyên gia cho rằng, xây dựng thương hiệu cá nhân, khẳng định giá trị bản thân từ ấn tượng đầu tiên là chìa khóa cho một khởi đầu thành công. Chỉ trong 11 giây đầu tiên, nhà tuyển dụng có thể biết đâu là người họ cần, và người đó sẽ làm được gì cho họ qua tính cách, tư cách, và phong cách của bạn.
Cụ thể là hình dáng con người chiếm 55% thiện cảm, ngôn ngữ cơ thể chiếm 38% và chỉ 7% từ lời nói. Như vậy, trang phục, phong thái của mỗi người có vai trò quyết định tới ấn tượng ban đầu, ấn tượng này sẽ kéo dài rất lâu và không bao giờ thay đổi nên các ứng viên đều phải chú ý.
**Định vị thương hiệu bản thân**
Thực tế cho thấy, sinh viên khi ra trường đều chưa có hoặc thiếu kinh nghiệm trong việc khẳng định giá trị bản thân với nhà tuyển dụng. Trong các CV xin việc, đa phần sinh viên chỉ nêu một cách chung chung năng lực bản thân mà không hề biết rằng, nhà tuyển dụng cần con số cụ thể.
Bởi vậy, các chuyên gia khuyến cáo, thay vì ghi trong bản CV là “Tôi có lực học tốt, năng động trong các hoạt động xã hội…”, hãy nêu chi tiết điểm tổng kết xuất sắc của bạn, thành tích các hoạt động mà bạn đã tham gia. Sự hấp dẫn và khác biệt là lý do mà nhà tuyển dụng chọn bạn chứ không phải ai khác.
Sau mỗi buổi phỏng vấn, sinh viên nên gửi e-mail cảm ơn tới cơ quan tuyển dụng. Đó là cơ hội để khẳng định thương hiệu cá nhân và thể hiện phong cách làm việc chuyên nghiệp.
| |Những điều lưu ý khi viết CV xin việc:
– CV không đơn thuần chỉ liệt kê những công việc mà bạn đã làm.
– Phải luôn cập nhận thông tin, tránh gửi những CV đã viết cách đây quá lâu với nội dung cũ kỹ.
– Không cường điệu hóa, hay phóng đại bản thân quá mức.
– Tuyệt đối không được nói xấu sếp cũ hay cơ quan đã từng làm việc.
– E-mail nghiêm túc, loại bỏ những e-mail có nội dung giải trí, vui đùa.
– Tránh nói suông mà hãy thể hiện bằng các con số, thống kê cụ thể.
– Nhà tuyển dụng đánh giá cao những ứng viên tham gia các hoạt động xã hội vì điều đó thể hiện trách nhiệm xã hội và kênh giao tiếp đa dạng, phong phú.
**Làm việc trong thời gian chờ việc**
Lời khuyên dành cho những người đang tìm kiếm cơ hội việc làm, hãy làm việc trong thời gian chờ đợi. Ngoài ra cần chủ động liên hệ với cơ quan tuyển dụng, xin phỏng vấn và xây dựng các mối quan hệ.
Theo ông Nguyễn Tuấn Quỳnh, hơn 50% người tìm được việc làm ưng ý từ các mối quan hệ chứ không phải từ các thông tin quảng cáo. Ông cũng nhấn mạnh: “Tài sản lớn nhất của một doanh nhân không phải là tiền bạc, xe cộ, nhà cửa hay cổ phiếu mà chính là các mối quan hệ”.
**Chú ý đến Facebook và các mạng xã hội**
Nhiều bạn trẻ rất “chăm chút” cho hình ảnh cá nhân trong đời thực của mình và trong các CV xin việc. Nhưng họ lại quên đi một điều, nhà tuyển dụng muốn quan tâm tới thông tin cá nhân trên Facebook, Skype của bạn. Vì vậy, có những người đầu tư cho CV quá hoàn hảo, nhưng lại biến mình thành “bừa bãi, cẩu thả” trên mạng xã hội, vô hình chung tạo ra những điểm trừ không đáng có.
Hãy xây dựng thương hiệu “online” phù hợp và tạo dựng trang Facebook chuyên nghiệp như chính con người bạn.
**Nắm vững điểm mạnh của bản thân**
Để thành công trong công việc, ngoài những chiến lược, hoạch định cho mục tiêu ngắn hạn, dài hạn, sự tự tin, bản lĩnh, cần nắm vững những điểm mạnh, yếu của bạn thân.
Ông Francis Hùng cho biết: “Nhiều người quá chú trọng vào việc dùng điểm mạnh để khắc phục điểm yếu mà quên đi việc phát huy những điểm mạnh đó. Theo tôi, nhận thức điểm mạnh của bản thân để biết mình cần gì, muốn gì và làm được gì. Cần khổ luyện để thực hiện đam mê dù có nhiều khó khăn, vì khổ luyện gắn liền với tính kỷ luật. Kỷ luật có thể nặng hàng ký nhưng sự hối tiếc lại nặng hàng tấn”.
**Loại khỏi từ điển những từ ngữ tiêu cực**
Với những người tự tin, từ “khủng hoảng” hay “tồi tệ” không có trong từ điển của họ. Bởi vì sự lạc quan sẽ khiến họ trong bất kỳ nguy cơ nào cũng nhìn thấy cái “cơ” (cơ hội) mà bỏ qua cái nguy (nguy hiểm). Trong con đường sự nghiệp, cần chọn lọc những điều có tác động tích cực nhất đến cảm xúc và tinh thần của mình để biến chúng thành nguồn năng lượng dồi dào, vượt qua mọi khó khăn.
Ngoài ra, các chuyên gia cũng nhấn mạnh tới tính ngăn nắp, gọn gàng nơi làm việc cho mỗi sinh viên vì “ở nơi thành công không có chỗ cho sự bừa bộn”.

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