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Great guy, awful journalist.
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Great guy, awful journalist.
Orange is the new black
So when they come back to port they can Scandanavian.
"It's not working anymore. I just don't know what to do. I'm going to stay with my mother for awhile."
I opened the door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about?
So I did. She’s 24 and her name is Heather.
The English improved on the invention by taking the intestines out of the sheep before using them.
There was this beautiful woman behind the counter, and she could see I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered.
“No, this is my first time”
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused, so she looked all around the store to see if it was empty, and it was.
“Just a minute,” she said, and walked to the door, locking it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
“Do these excite you,” she asked
Well, I was so dumb struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said that it was the time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties, and laid down on a desk.
“Well, come on,” she said, “we don’t have much time.” So, I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that I could no longer hold it back, and BOOM, I was done with it in a few minutes. She looked at me with a bit of a frown.
“Did you put that condom on?” She asked.
“I’m sure I did,” and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.
It was quite the shindig.
...with a pair of torn pants.
Euripides? Asked the tailor.
Eumenides? Replied the man.
I said, "It's the spider."
She said, "I don't know it."
"Well," I said, "it's when I stand in a corner of the room and you scream naughty things at me."
Apparently "in 4K ultra high definition" was not the right answer.
He now produces his own beets
They did unspeakable things to me.
I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,
"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,
"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"
She starts to fit into your wife's clothes.
With a hijab
Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”
"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
Went and got a 9mm pistol I go to pay for the gun and the cashier says strip down facing me
Realizing this is probably because of gun wackos I did as she instructed
When the shrieking from customers and alarms stopped I realized the cashier was referring to how I should swipe my credit card.
Start off with $2 Million
A dad gets his son a bass and lessons for his birthday. When the son comes home from his first lesson dad asks, " what did you learn at your first bass lesson son?"
"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4...5 notes on the E string!"
"That's great son!"
The next week rolls around.
"What did you learn at your second bass lesson son?"
"Well dad, I learned the first 1..2..3..4..5 notes on the A string!"
"That's great son!"
The next week rolls around.
"What did you learn at your third bass lesson son?"
"I blew it off I had a gig."
So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put all the veggies she wants on it, I start to wrap up her sandwich when she says, "can I get some mayo?"
...
I look at her, she's looking at me, I pick up the mayo, I'm waiting for her to be like haha jk.
Nothing.
Me: "You know mayonnaise has eggs in it right?"
THIS. GIRL. JUST. STOOD. THERE. SILENT.
She stood there for a second.
V: "N-no it doesn't, I get mayo every time, are you sure?"
Me: "Yes ma'am, mayo has egg whites in it."
I felt so horrible, she stood there with such a distraught and defeated face, I had shattered this poor girl's world.
I had a couple people waiting so I had to get this lady out of here.
Me: "Would you like the mayo on it ma'am?"
V: "Sure, go ahead."
She sounded so done, so defeated,
So I gave her her mayo, wrapped her sandwich up and charged her for her sandwich, she was silent the whole time. She took her sandwich and started walking out.
Me: "Thank you for coming, have a nice day!"
She just looked at me, sighed, "yea, I'll try" and walked out.
And that's the story of how I taught a vegan that mayonnaise is, in fact, not vegan.
The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."
“Ok” I said “ You grab one end and I’ll grab the other”
'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
He offered her a drink and over the course of the night he charmed her with funny Irish stories and songs. She’d never had a night like it before and decided to invite him back to her room.
They had a passionate affair all that summer. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he gave her a large sum of money and told her to go back to Italy to secretly have the child.
He said that if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said.
The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
One with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
So I asked my friend Horatio.
...in the end, you ignore it all and click "I agree".
Media: Scientist claims "Findings are meaningless."
Shout, “I got money on that guy with the knife!”
Bob walked into his favorite sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Bob and said:"Do you think he'll jump?".
Bob said: "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied: "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said: "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair.” she said, “Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied: "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
It is driving him up the wall.
A Russian goes to Africa and is hanging out with the locals. He asks if they've ever played Russian roulette.
"We have our own version. There are six women. You pick one, and she gives you a blowjob."
"What's the danger in that?"
"One of them is a cannibal."
Satan greets him.
Hey. How's it going?
Not good. I just found out I'm in hell.
I know we have a bad reputation but it's not that bad. It's actually quite fun down here. Did you ever drink when you were alive?
Of course.
Well, Mondays, you can drink as much as you want. Vodka, gin, tequila, rum...whatever! Make your own if you want. You don't have to drive home. You don't have to worry about your liver or alcohol poisoning. You're already dead. Were you a smoker?
Yes, I was.
Tuesdays, smoke it up. We have all the cigarettes and cigars. Even the best Cubans. You don't need to worry about lung cancer. You're already dead. Did you get high when you were alive?
Sometimes.
Wednesdays, get as high as you want. Weed, coke, PCP, crack, LSD.. whatever! Make your own. Not like you'll overdose. You're already dead.
This actually does sound quite fun.
I know, right? It's not so bad. Did you ever stick anything up your ass when you were alive?
No...
You're not going to like Thursdays.
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."
The couple then makes passionate love.
When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband drops the phone and makes love to his wife a second time.
When they finish, he goes back to the phone.
"What are you doing now?" she asks.
"I'm still hungry, so I'm going to ring room service for some food."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it one more time."
The husband puts the phone down and heads back to bed.
Exhausted after the third lovemaking session, he shuffles back to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods to find out what's par for this hole!"
Cop: You are the lawyer.
Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and sabed John bu pilling him out.
The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be okay.
The doctor met with David and said, “We have good news and bad news for you! The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.”
David replied, “Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.”
Three Samurais were arguing which of them was the best Samurai out of the three. Each believed they were the best. In the middle of their discussion, a fly comes in through the window and starts buzzing around them. Getting an idea, the first samurai takes out his sword and slashes through the air! The fly falls to ground, completely split into two equal pieces. The two other samurais were impressed.
Not to be outdone, the second samurai steps up. Another fly comes in through the window and he slashes his sword! The fly drops to the ground, still moving and very much alive, but its wings were completely sliced off. The other two were even more impressed.
Finally, the third samurai steps up as a third fly comes in. He slices his sword through the air!!! But, nothing happens. The fly still lazily buzzes around the room. The third samurai just smirks and sheathes his blade.
"What are you so smug about?" The first samurai questions, "The fly is still flying around the room."
"Yes of course," The third samurai answers, "But he will never be able to have any children."
One of them is an elephant
“Mommy, I saw you jumping on daddy’s belly yesterday night.”
“Aha, I know why it isn’t working then – the woman from next door comes every afternoon when you go shopping and blows all the air back into him again.”
The bartender asks him, "What'll you have?"
The man says, "Give me three pints of Guinness please."
So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone. He then orders three more.
The bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold. You don't have to order three at a time. I can keep an eye on it and when you get low, I'll bring you a fresh cold one."
The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and we're drinking together.
The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition. Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to him, "I know what your tradition is, and I'd just like to say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."
The man said, "Oh, me brothers are fine----I just quit drinking."
Dear Sir/Madam,
We are writing this letter to inform you that your account has been suspended for illegal downloading of copyrighted material
Sorry that came out wrong
I am giving up. Drinking for a month
Tell them you can't come.
A man talks to a lawyer and says "My wife wants to divorce me."
"On what grounds?" The lawyer asks.
"On any ground where she can get a judge to okay it." The man responded.
The lawyer tries again with "I mean does she have any ground for the divorce?"
"Yeah she owns half of our two acres. Think we can take her land from her?" The man replies.
The lawyer decides to try rephrasing the question as "I mean is there a grudge?"
"No. We don't have anything fancy like that. We just park in the driveway." The man replied.
"She wants the divorce? I mean do you beat her up or something?" The lawyer tried again.
"Oh, no. She gets up about a half an hour earlier than me. I'm a heavy sleeper so there aint no chance I will ever beat her up."
The lawyer finally asks "Okay, why do you think she wants a divorce?"
To which the man replies with "She says I never understand what she's talking about."
-- Told to me by a pastor, recently.
That's because women like to kill one man slowly over many many years.
She’s still deciding whether to be an Ex-men or a Trans-former
I said, "No man, that would just make us even."
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. FASTER... FASTER... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP.... He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping. clappity-BUMP...clappity-BUMP... clappity-BUMP... on his heels, as the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything...
All he can find is a box of cough drops! Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin ...
...and...of...course,
...the coffin stops!
18: can I buy a bottle of wine?
USA: no that's illegal & irresponsible
18: can I go $50,000 into debt for education?
USA: we encourage it
“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that there are penguins in your van?”
“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”
The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who quack at him.
“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. I need you to take them to a zoo immediately.”
The man replies, “I’ll take them right away,” and drives off.
The next day, the police officer sees the same exact van driving by and to his astonishment, it is still full of penguins! He pulls the man over again, and notices that he and the penguins are all wearing sunglasses, sunscreen, and Hawaiian shirts.
The officer gapes and says, “Sir, I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo!”
“Yes, I did,” the man replies. “And today I’m taking them to the beach.”
3 months of no school shootings.
A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
He was too far out, man.
Well that's 8 month's of training wasted.
...my fucking goldfish died.
As the couple approach the alter the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!
After the vows, the preist is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.
The groom approaches the him and asks, "why are you so shy? You seemed like a different person when you were giving that speech!"
"I know..." Says the priest, "but that was just my alter ego".
Does it become, just, beer?
(Credit to my little sister)
Judge: Repeat infractions?
Man: Fine. 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!!
You either get twice the amount of dad jokes, or you’re stuck in an infinite loop of “go ask your mom”.
Too many frames.
The porn industry can go fuck themselves for all I care.
A life long question was answered. It was the chicken
What time does the library open?” the man on the phone asked.
Annoyed, the librarian composed himself before he answered.
“9 am,” came the reply. “And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?”
“Not until 9 am?” the man asked in a disappointed voice. The librarian began to get angry.
“No, not until 9 am,” said the librarian. “Why do you want to get in before 9 am?”
“Who said I wanted to get in?” the man sighed sadly. “I want to get out".
Italians don't like ANY witnesses.
"Don't do it mate. You'll never hear the fucking end of it".
Bert, 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. So, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, “Notice anything different about me?”
Margaret, 75, looked him over.
“Nope.”
Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, “Bert, what’s different? It’s hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Bert yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?”
“Nope. Not a clue,” she replied.
“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!”
Without missing a beat, Margaret replied, “Shoulda bought a hat, Bert! Shoulda bought a hat.”
A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.
The shop assisant said he would go ask his manager about the matter.
He said to his manager, "There's some asshole out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce." As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half." The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"
The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."
"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.
The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"Really?," replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"
The boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"
The letter 'F'
Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food aisle.
Because the republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
"I meant any questions about the
*job.*" the interviewer sighed.
Because OCT 31 = DEC 25
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .
I’m not coming in tomorrow.
But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom…
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age...
Dr. Goldberg was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.
Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor.As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted.
The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall. He was most embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just long enough to deliver his paper.
He ignored the thunderous applause and raced out the stage door, never to return to his home town again, until many years later, when his elderly mother was ill and he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Smith and arrived under cover of darkness. The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Smith?"
Dr. Goldberg replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."
"Haven't you visited since?" asked the desk clerk.
"Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return.”
Trying his best to console him, the desk clerk replied "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too.”
Dr. Goldberg replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident.”
The clerk asked, "Was it a long time ago?"
Dr. Goldberg replied, "Yes, many years.”
The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Goldberg Fart?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."
You have to say, “ Leroy, please paint my fence!”
Nothing. I'm German and my engineering is perfect.
Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding down the road,the police officer pulls out, sirens blazing. The man pulls over as soon as he notices.
The police officer walks up to the car and asks, "Sir, do you know how fast I just clocked you at?"
The man replied, "Probably too fast, officer. I'm sorry, I'm really late for work and I had an important client coming in for an appointment.."
The officer cuts him off, saying, "What is it exactly you do that warrants that kind of rush?"
The man replied, "Well sir, I'm an asshole stretcher."
"A what??"
"An asshole stretcher. People pay for my services in doing exactly that. Today we were going to go through the steps of my client's upcoming procedure."
"Why would he need that explained, though?"
"Well, it's a fairly long, strenuous, and complicated process, requiring thousands of dollars of expensive equipment and the knowledge of how to use all of it. This particular client was going to be my most challenging procedure yet, as he wanted me to stretch his asshole to around six feet!"
The officer seemed rather perplexed at this point. After a long, awkward silence, he asks, "But what the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?"
The man replied, "You give them radar guns and put them under bridges."
Ms. Pac-man, because for 25 cents she swallows balls until she dies.
With a white guy looking over his shoulder
(German here)
The teacher asks the children what their dad's are doing for a job. All very exited shouted all different professions;
"Police Office, Fireman, banker, accountant, ..." ... only Hans remained quiet.
So, the teach asks "Hans, what is you dad doing as a job?"
"Oh, he's dancing naked at a gay club and sometimes man pay him more money and they go to a motel together".
"Is that true, Hans?" The teacher asks shocked.
"No, he's playing football (soccer) for the German national team but that would have been too embarrassing.
"how do you fancy a round of golf"
Tiger says "I didn't think you would be able to play Stevie"
Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.
Tiger says "you have to understand Stevie I am a pro golfer, it will be too much of a mismatch"
Stevie says" OK well tell you what, a million dollars says I win or are you chicken"
Tiger says "OK done, when do you want to play?"
Stevie says "any night this week"
“Gee thanks, Grandpa!”
“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”
“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”
If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign.
“Last week..." Bill explained. “I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
Now out of options, the wife decides to take up prostitution to get some money.
The husband takes her to the corner of the street, and later comes back that night, picking up his wife. He turns to her and asks "how much did you make", she replies "$200.05"
The husband double takes and says "who's the asshole who paid you 5 cents?" and the wife says "all of them"
It was the end of the line for him.
"It's Peter Fucking Bastard Piss Flaps Smith."
The interviewer asked me, "do you suffer from tourettes Peter?"
"No" I replied, "but the priest at my baptism did."
The first, an Australian, talks about the latest triumph in Australian reconstruction. 'A guy was torn apart by dingoes. All we had left was his right ear. We took the ear, reconstructed the entire body and now he's back at work. As a matter of fact, he replaced six men.'
The English plastic surgeon promptly tops the story. 'We had a nuclear accident at a power station, and all that was left was a single hair. We took that hair, reconstructed the entire human being and now he's back at work at the power station. Where he's replaced
*twenty* men.'
The American plastic surgeon is unimpressed. 'I was walking through New York a few years ago and smelt a fart. I trapped it in a bottle, got back to the hospital, managed to constitute it into an asshole and then into an entire human body. That bloke's now the President of The United States, and he's put millions of people out of work.'
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
“You know, one would have been enough.”
He was having a midlife crisis
As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus.
The butcher follows, dumbstruck. As the bus travels out into the suburbs, the dog takes in the scenery. After awhile he stands on his back paws to push the "stop" bell, then the butcher follows him off. The dog runs up to a house and drops his bag on the step. He goes back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself against the door *thud*. He does this again *thud* and again *thud*. No answer. The dog jumps on a wall, walks around the garden, beats his head against a window, jumps off, and waits at the front door. A big guy opens it and starts cursing and shouting at the dog. The butcher runs up and screams at the guy: "What the hell are you doing? This dog's a genius!" The owner responds, "Genius, my ass, It's the second time this week he's forgotten his keys!"
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it *
*infrequently\**' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - '
**Is that one word or two**?'
She got so mad and said she’s never gonna play scrabble with me ever again
Jimmy :- Our house is very small. Me, my mom and my dad sleep on the same bed. Every night my dad asks, 'Jimmy, are you asleep?'
I say "No" & he slaps my face & gives me a Black eye.
Teacher:- Tonight, when your dad asks again, keep dead quiet & don't answer.
The following morning Jimmy comes back with a severe black eye again.
Teacher:- My goodness why the black eye again? Jimmy:- Dad asked me if I was asleep. I shut up & kept dead still. Then my mom and dad started moving at the same time. Mom was breathing erratically, kicking her legs up frantically & squealing like a hyena on the bed. Then my dad asked my mom, "Are you coming?" Mom said, "Yes I'm coming, are you coming too?" Dad answered:- Yes.
Well, they don't usually go anywhere without me so I said, "Wait for me, I'm coming too".
"Are you nuts?" she replies and walks away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again. "Listen, sir, I'm not that kind of woman. Got it?"
So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts... just once for $10,000?" So the woman thinks about this for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000?" She thinks a bit "OK, but just once, and not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go to the alley and she takes off... her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as the guy sees them, he jumps on them and starts caressing them, fondling them, kissing them, burying his face in them... but not biting them. Finally, the woman gets all annoyed and says,
"Are you gonna bite them or what?"
"Nah," he replies. "Costs too much!"
Every time a girl got pregnant, a guy left town.
One cold winter's morning he was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.
He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.
He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.
"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.
"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."
"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"
"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.
"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"
"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".
"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"
"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"
"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.
"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.
He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.
"I'll have one holiday please!"
"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.
"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.
"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"
"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"
"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll
*never* get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.
"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"
"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"
The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.
"Well you'll never believe it" she says to the tramp, back in the shop.
"I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten dollars"
"Yippee", exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it"
The tramp takes the tickets and, shouldering his dirty old pack, he heads out the door to hitch-hike to the port where the ship is waiting.
A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen. Amazed at his luck and good fortune, he slings his pack over his shoulder, and marches up the gangplank.
"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.
"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "Super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"
Hardly believeing his eyes, the captain examines the ticket and admits that our man the tramp is correct.
"Ahem, well O.K.", says the captain, "But you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."
So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.
"Psst", says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.
"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin"
The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship! The tramp had
*never* in his wildest dreams imagined luxury like this.
First they went doen through the first class level:
Oriental carpets - 6" pile.
A genuine Rembrahndt on every wall.
Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair.
24 ct gold trim everywhere.
Then the second class:
As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep.
and so on...
3rd, 4th, 5th class,
down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with, a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.
"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."
"I'm glad you like it" replies the captain, "but there is one more thing..."
"Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."
Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...
Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived....
...and what a dive...!
Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.
"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"
"Eh, well I've never actually dived before" replied the tramp.
"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen ...."
He broke off.
"Hey, I've an idea", he started again.
"How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"
"It's a deal!" says our man.
For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it. Then one morning the captain came to talk.
"O.K. I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."
"O.K." agreed the tramp.
Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck.
Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Then the tramp turned to regard the diving board. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.
"Well tramp" said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do."
And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie.
And the tramp began to climb....
up and up ...
up and up ...
higher and higher ...
below him the ship grew smaller ...
up and up ...
on and on ...
past a solitary albatross ...
and still higher, till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below ...
still further, till the ocean grew dim, and the earth itself began to shrink...
and higher, ever higher ...
on and on ....
higher, and higher, and on and on towards the diving board,
He climbed on top and radioed the captain .... and then...
he jumped .
slowly at first
but speeding up
faster, and faster
and by now the earth was growing large in the distance,
the oceans and land masses grew clear,
faster, and faster...
past the albatross,
faster
double-back somersault,
and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,
hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,
Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,
"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!"
The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...
NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!
DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!
SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!
DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!
SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!
DOWN!
DOWN!
THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!
THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!
SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!
AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!
STILL DOWN...!
DEEPER,
DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,
TILL..........
SMASH! into into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.
Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.
Up and up, desperate, gasping....
Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.
HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! BLOODY GOOD SHOW WHAT!
And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.
"Well tramp, I have
*NEVER* seen anything like that, *EVER*. That was the most *STUPENDOUS* piece of diving I have ever seen"
The tramp blushed.
The captain went on:
"But tell me; most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."
And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly:
"Well you see I'm a poor tramp so you must understand...
I've been through many a hardship in my life"
We buried him with a heavy heart.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in...
whether they like it or not.
“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”
"Do you have any kids?" she asked. "Yes," I replied. "I have one child that's just under two." She said, "I might be blonde, but I know how many one is."
5 year old son after reading story of a king says to his mom:
Son: Mom, I also want 3 wives... one will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me
Mom: And which one will put you to sleep
Son: No mom, i will still sleep with you
Mom's eyes filled up with tears.
Mom: God bless you son. But who will sleep with your 3 wives?
Son: Let them sleep with daddy.
Daddy's eyes filled up with tears. God bless you son !
Happy Father’s day!
he asked "Dad, what are you doing?"
"We've updated our privacy policy"
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...
"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, " And the dog barked ten times. "OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. " And the dog barked twenty times. "He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. " "Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
The genie slowly coalesces out of the lamp and addresses his finders. "You each get one wish. However, because you are divorced whatever you ask for will be doubled and given to your ex wife."
The first man blurts out "Well we did end on good terms so... How about $1 million? She'll get two and everyone is happy."
The genie grants his wish and he scoops up his money.
The second man shakes his head and replies "Fuck that. My ex is a blood sucking whore. Give me a Maclaren! She won't know what to do with one, let alone two. Hell, she can't even drive. It may even kill her trying..."
The genie grants his wish and he drives off.
The third guy contemplates some more before he finally speaks. "I want you to scare me half to death."
A Tooter (my 9yo daughter made it up)
So when someone ask tell them it's 12345678
But, apparently we have to wait until it’s 18 years old to move out.
Then I remembered...................me and my wife have different dentists…
The wife asked, "Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?"
Helen: "There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The second reason is that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Who said that?"
Helen: "Your husband."
Wife: "Oh."
Helen: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you."
Wife: "Did my husband say that as well?"
Helen: "No, the gardener did."
Wife: "So, how much do you want?"
Me: it’s Narnia Business....
He sees her at least once a week, and after a long while he finally works up the nerve to ask her out on a date. She agrees, and a week later the two meet up for dinner. Everything goes well and they wind up back at her place. Soon, it starts getting hot and heavy as they kiss and remove their clothing. She lies down, naked, and beckons him forward as she says "I wanna 69." The guy replies "You want a Beef and Broccoli NOW?!?"
Fuck all apparently if you’re on a bike
No one expects the Spanish ink precision
I was by her bedside.
She said in a tired voice, "There's something I must confess."
"Shhh" I said, "there's nothing to confess. Everything's alright."
"No I must die in peace. I had sex with your brother, your best friend, his best friend and your father."
"I know," I whispered, "That's why I poisoned you."
The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"
25 years he's been delivering the mail to the same neighborhood. When it was time to retire, he let everyone know ahead of time, that way if there was an issue with their mail, they new it would be a new letter carrier. As he made his way along his route, he found little going away gifts from some the people. In one mailbox he found a set of fly fishing lures, in another he found a box of cigars and yet another a flask with his initials on it when he came to a home that had been recently purchased by a young couple. Upon opening the mailbox he found a note that said, "Knock on the front door. I have something for you." When the door opened he saw a young woman in nothing but a robe. Without a word she took him by the hand and led him upstairs to the bedroom where they had the best sex he had ever had all his years. She motions to the shower and he gets cleaned up. When he comes downstairs he smells bacon, eggs, coffee, and toast. She points to the chair and he sits and eats the breakfast. When he is done he picks up the cup of coffee to find that there is a dollar under the cup. Dale, puzzled, asks "um, I really enjoyed the sex, and the breakfast was wonderful, but what is the dollar for?" To which she replied, "when I asked my husband what we should give you for a retirement gift he said 'Fuck him, give him a dollar.' Breakfast was my idea!"
... when a man came up and flashed them. Two of the ladies immediately had a stroke, but the other couldn't quite reach.
Him: Ok. And for the main course?
**Guy**: Hey! I found this wallet with $2k, an Amazon gift card, and it says it belongs to someone named 'Ryan' **Host**: Oh how nice of you. Do you want me to ask Ryan to reclaim it? **Guy**: No, I want to request a sad song for Ryan
The couple then produced photos of their 50-foot motor home, which was clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then raised concerns about the education a child would receive while in the couple's care.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills."
Then the social workers expressed concern about a child being raised in a circus environment
Our nanny will be a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet."
The social workers were finally satisfied.
They asked, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?"
"It doesn't really matter ... as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.
"All right, I want to buy a pet, but something special,something different." The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?" says the man "How much?" The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 75 dollars. Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the money and takes his new pet home. After getting home, he lays the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says, "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?" The centipede says nothing. Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later. An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?" The centipede again says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the man decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop for a refund. An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Hello Mr. Centipede, fancy going to the bar for a few drinks?" The centipede says "I heard you the first time you moron! I'm putting my shoes on!"........
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
Until I realised it was just a waist of time
If you ever think English is not a shit language, just remember that read and lead rhyme and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme and neither do read and lead.
For example:
Johnny ate his own lunch after school.
Johnny ate his own colon after school.
So I asked, "Which mom?"
"Yeah..." she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now."
The Jewish man said, “Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with schmaltz (chicken fat), we made passionate love, and she screamed for five full minutes at the end!”
The Frenchman boasted, “Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 10 minutes!”
The Italian man said, “Well, last week my wife and I also had sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil. We made love, and she screamed for over six hours!”
The other two were stunned.
The amazed Frenchman asked, “What could you have possibly done to make your wife scream for six hours?”
The Italian said…………”I wiped my hands on the bedspread.
no one was laughing but the ground was cracking up.
He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whip's their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.
The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who swiftly takes out the angry cook!
Everyone looks at the manager, who just shrugs and says, "guess you've just gotta fight fryer with fryer".
After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.
-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?
-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. If they answer it correctly, then they are cured and are free to go.
The director gathers three patients for a demonstration.
-So, resident 121, what is six times six?
-One thousand? -says the first one.
-Well no, that's another year here for you.
The director proceeds to ask the second patient the same question.
-Well, the answer is February.
-My God... No, no it isn't. You are staying here one more year.
Finally, the director asks the question to the third patient.
-What is six times six?
-Obviously it 36.
The director cheers the third patient and proceeds too comunicate the asylum staff he is ready to leave. The new guy asks the patient before he leaves:
-Good job answering correctly. How did you know it?
-Well, it was easy. I divided one thousand by February.
“Shit I can’t go home like this my wife will kill me” The bartender sees this and says “put a $20 bill in you pocket and when she sees the puke tell her some drunk puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning”. So the guy goes home and his wife sees the puke on his shirt and asks what happened, to which he replies “a drunk guy puked on me and he gave me $20 to pay for dry cleaning”. To which his wife says “Ok well then why do you have $40 in your hand?” “Because he also shit in my pants.”
Trump says, “Are you stupid? Are you an idiot? Out of your mind? Are you retarded?”
The kid replies, “You know what, I’ve changed my mind. Those are too many requirements.”
Because you can’t be a fruit and a vegetable at the same time.
It has now been reported that Trump actually managed several sentences in almost fluent English.
He was asked to come because a power box was malfunctioning, He went to the reception and told them that he was there to fix the problem ,he was told to wait a minute . So he sat down at the reception. He saw that most of the people working there were in their twenties. He then wondered how advanced the society had become and what he would have done if he was their age, after some time an employee came and then went with him to the malfunctioning box, the electrician then opened that box and saw that there were several wires connected all labeled with numbers for convinience. He then proceeded to open his toolbag and as he went on to inspect them , the employee who was watching him warned him "Careful, Number five will shock you" .
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?”
“The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.” After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career”.
Two first men are open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh on the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a tea pot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He ponders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea gag."
He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
Trump replies, “No way, that’s my job. I won’t have another asian stealing an American job.”
Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.
But all the results were from 13 years ago.
Jane always had a certain attraction to Tarzan. So during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex.
"Tarzan not know what is sex" he replied.
Jane then explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said ...."Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree."
Stunned by his response, Jane said: "Tarzan you have it all wrong, you don't shag a tree to get yourself off. Tell you what, I will show you how to do it properly."
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
"Here" she said, pointing to her privates,"you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her as hard as he could in the crotch.
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to grasp for air and screamed: "What the bloody hell did you do that for?
"Check for squirrel." he responds
Seated at the bar is a classy looking lady in her mid-70s.
The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits alongside her. He orders a drink and takes a sip.
He slowly turns to the lady and says: "So, tell me; do I come here often?"
Andy's mother's toys, which coincidentally are called Woody and Buzz too.
A rich, American man had bad luck with women and finally decided to find a mail order bride from Russia. She arrived a few weeks after his order was made, and they got married and lived happily in a rich Connecticut suburb.
Though the poor lady was not very proficient in English, she did manage to communicate with her husband with gestures mostly. The real problem arose whenever she had to go grocery shopping.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request. So in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn’t know how to tell the butcher. So she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
The third day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store . . .
. . .
. . .
. . .
. . . now get your head out of the gutter. Her husband speaks English.
To render the buildings on the other side
He's now a seasoned veteran
10,000 volts went up its arse,
And turned its wool to nylon.
I hate it when my kid cries in the middle of the night
So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.
A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.
"Hold on a minute. I think I can save you $10,000."
When they discovered they lived in the same city, only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate and true love.
On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Linda to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life-changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"
Linda paused, then responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."
Ed paused for a while then said, "It's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."
When he enters, the woman at the front desk stops him, and says, "Sorry, we don't allow black people in here. But there's another club 10 minutes down the road that does."
Visibly furious, Bolt exclaims, "Do you know who I am? I'm Usain Bolt!"
"Oh! I'm sorry", says the woman. "Then it's only 5 minutes down the road."
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."
When asked why he answered, “If I wanted to see a horse’s ass, I would have finished second.”
But you knock on their bedroom window at midnight in a clown costume and suddenly it's all screaming and throwing things and police helicopters.
They each got six months
And the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
**Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's fucking Goofy!"**
Not all this "how did you get in my house??!!!" business.
**Guaranteed reposts.**
Because he was the motherfucking son.
His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. He was unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, so he did the best he could to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note saying:
DEAREST WIFE,
JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING IS PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
YOUR LOVING HUSBAND
P.S. IT SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
because fuck u thats why
I guess they didn’t realize what I meant when I said “I wanna watch”.
My dad didn’t beat cancer.
So I told him, "C4 yourself"
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.
Upon leaving the man's apartment, the officer found the man's bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
It was a brief case.
Cannibal: Damn it! Just regular people then.
Unfortunately it was a Type-O.
You will have the rest of your life to try and fix it
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!
Sheriff: Height?
Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sheriff: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sheriff: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sheriff: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.
Sheriff: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sheriff: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, LED lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and underglow wheel well lighting.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck!
Me:*squirms Doctor: Don't worry, it's perfectly fine to have an erection at a time like this.
So I tried to ignore the bulge in his pants.
Everyone came, you should have seen her face.
The letter 't'
So i just came in my pants
But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
He asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"
"Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough."
Buy the DLC to find out! Alternate ending available if you purchase the season pass!
I don't know. Ask your mom and her 6 siblings.
(Of course, the idiot was driving)
"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."
So the scientist steps up and asks him, "What is the most complicated formula known to science?" The Devil snaps his fingers, and a stack of papers appear. The scientist reads them, and has to agree. He is warped to hell.
The mathematician then asks, "What is 0 divided by 0?" The Devil cleverly answers, "There are an infinite amount of solutions, as any number multiplied by 0 is 0." The mathematician has to agree and is also warped to hell.
Finally the Idiot steps up. He asks for a chair. The Devil snaps his fingers, and a chair appears. The Idiot then tells him to drill 7 holes in the seat. The Devil snaps his fingers and there are 7 holes. The Idiot then sits on the chair and lets out a long, drawn out fart.
He asks, "what hole did that fart come out of?"
The Devil examines the chair closely and says, "Third hole from the right."
"Wrong. It came from my asshole."
A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."
The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of the liquid to the doctor's tongue. The doctor gasps. "What the hell? Why did you put gasoline on my tongue?"
"Ah, great!" The engineer exclaimed. "You have regained your sense of taste. You can pay $50 to the cashier at the front."
Annoyed, the doctor goes home, but he returns to the engineer a few days later to get his money back. "I've gotten amnesia. I've lost my memories."
The engineer again takes a small bottle from his drawer. "Hold on," the doctor said, pulling back. "That's gasoline!"
The engineer smiled smugly. "Oh, seems like you have your memory back! You can pay $50 to the cashier at the front."
The doctor went home angrier than before, but he wanted to stump the engineer still. He went back to the clinic a few weeks later, confident he will get his money back. "Hey, I think I'm losing my eyesight. It's been getting real blurry and I can't read as much as I want to anymore."
The engineer sighed. "Oh wow, I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Unfortunately I'm afraid I don't have the medicine for what you have, but here, you can take this $100."
The doctor took the bill in his hand. "But wait! This is only $50!"
"Perfect!" The engineer exclaimed. "You have got your vision back. You can pay $50 to the cashier at the front."
It sounds like an Italian guy begging you not to kill someone named Gus.
I'm sorry. I'm high as shit and just ate some asparagus. My first original joke.
I looked at him with a smile and said "Scissors, I win." and drove off. I think he wants to do best out of 3 because he's been chasing me for an hour.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50.....and I get $43 back from Medicare.
He'd only have sex with the lights off.
The wife assumed he merely had some shame in the penile department, but she loved him, so happily obliged. An added bonus was that it felt like he was actually reasonably well-equipped downstairs, so everything was good.
However, 20 years of blind sex took its toll on her and their relationship. In the middle of one of their love-making sessions, the wife dived for the lamp and turned on the light.
She saw her husband with his pants on and a dildo in hand.
There was a brief moment of silence, then the wife sternly stated "You have some explaining to do."
The husband looked her dead in the eye and said "I'll explain this when you explain the kids".
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.
Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, he hit upon a beautifully intricate note of pure magic. Everyone within miles just froze in mid action, stirred to the very core of their souls by the pure bliss of the tone. And all the realm realized, instantly, that it was Sam, and Sam was the first person in history to hit one of the rumored Magical Notes that musicians had theorized must exist... yet no one before Sam had ever reached one.
And on Sam's 20th birthday, it happened again. This time, the town below was so impacted that no one moved, spoke, or even blinked for several minutes after. As the golden sound finally tapered off and ceased, they knew that Sam had found the Second Note...
And the next year on Sam's birthday, the town had realized there was a pattern involved. This time, all of the townspeople were present in the monastery's nave, watching in awe, as Sam hit the glorious Third Note. People cried out in pure joy as the sound grew to a glorious crescendo. Words cannot do justice to the experience. The town flourished, as Sam's notes made the people pure all the way to the core of their beings.
And on it went for the next few years, the Magical Notes growing sweeter and sweeter... until, that is, Sam's 25th birthday. All at first seemed as normal... until Sam hit the Magical Note. From the start, Sam seemed very uncomfortable, and this new sound was not beautiful... it was jarring and discordant. Sam started to get very warm, and was visibly sweating onstage. He doubled his resolve and dug deeper, to get to the sweet part of the Magical Note that he knew must be there.
Suddenly, to the horror of all, Sam spontaneously combusted! The two closest monks on stage were burned by the flames coming off of his body, and he ignited the stage curtains. Soon the entire monastery was aflame. By a miracle, everyone made it out, except for poor Sam.
The townsfolk were left staring at the burning monastery in sad, stunned disbelief.
The mayor approached the lead monk of the order. "What happened?" he asked, exasperated.
The old monk shook his head sadly. "Isn't it obvious?" he said. "Sam sung Note 7."
It's not like I did anything.
Because there's a target on every corner
Guy and his two buddies are at a bar, when one of them nudges the other two. "See those three women over there? Lets go talk to them."
So they go over and strike up a conversation, buying them a few drinks. After a while, each of his friends ask one of the women to dance. As he's about to ask the third girl to dance he notices she's in a wheelchair and then sees him looking at her chair he feels awkward.
Not wanting to be a jerk he says, "You want to go out there and show them how it's really done?"
Smiling she agrees and they have a great time.
After a while both of his friends took off with both of hers. Back at the table, he asks her if she's got a ride home.
She tells him, "no but I can call someone to pick me up."
Trying to be nice he tells her "nonsense I'll give you a ride!"
On the ride they're laughing and getting along well and she tells him, "I'm really enjoying spending time with you and am not ready for the night to end yet, why don't you pull over at that park and we can talk."
They pull over and are talking for a while, when she finally kisses him.
"I'm sorry," she blushes, "you're just so nice and I like you."
"it's perfectly fine." he smiles.
"Would you like to make love to me?" she asks. He agrees and they start going at it, but with her legs it's hard to do in the truck.
She thinks and says, "My arms are pretty strong, why don't you take me to the Monkey bars, I can hang and we can do it that way."
So they go at it, finish up and he drives her home.
After he wheels her to the door her dad comes out.
"Come here boy," he says, gesturing him over.
Worried, he walks over, "uhh yes sir?"
"I just wanted to thank you for driving her, that was damn decent of you and I haven't seen her smile like that in years."
Feeling guilty, he says, "It's no big deal I was glad to do it."
"No no," her father replies, "you don't understand, you're a good man, most guys just leave her hanging in the park."
“What the hell happened to the roof?”
thank you for making my day,
[u/happy_guy23](/u/happy_guy23)
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.
"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied:
"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"
Then he pushed me off the roof.
And those are the Pie-Rates of the Caribbean.
...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes
Now I know why people call me handsome.
One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
The doctor says "Wow, how do your pants fit?"
**"Like a glove."**
His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
"Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it.
It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store.
Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter.
To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.
The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins.
Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."
is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "You know if you put a piece of rubber on the end of your stick I wouldn't have to listen to that tapping." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the fucking bus... so shut the hell up."
Since then, my mugging attempts have been far more successful.
The bartender hands them two glasses of beer and says, "You guys need to know your limits."
He notices her looking and eventually, after many such glances from her, he says, “It’s golf balls.”
Nevertheless, the blonde continues to look at him for a very long time, appearing to think deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, she can’t contain her curiosity any more and asks, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from.
He asked St Peter “what is with all the clocks?”
St Peter responded, “These are the clocks of lies. Each person has a clock. Every time they lied on Earth the clock moves one tick.”
The man noticed a clock that wasn't moving. "Whose clock is that?" He asked. St Peter said that was Mother Teresa. She never told a lie.
“Whose is that?” Abe Lincoln's. It moved two ticks. Showing he lied twice.
Understanding the system, he asked, “Where's Donald Trump’s clock?”
St. Peter responded “It’s in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”
I didn't really; he was just putting words in my mouth.
I said, "How can you say such a thing?"
A young guy goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. “
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many sales did you make today?” The kid says, “One.” The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”
Kid says, “$101,237.64.” Boss says, “$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?”
Kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.”
The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?”
Kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing”
As soon as I got him home he made a bolt for the door
Two priests approach the guy that was thrown out. He looks at the first priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The first priest shakes his head.
The guy looks at the second priest and says, "I'm Jesus Christ." The second priest also shakes his head.
"Okay, let me prove it to you." The guy walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, "Jesus Christ, you're back already?"
I said, “Like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No fatty, don’t eat anything!”
Because he’s rich and can afford the best ingredients
They literally can't even.
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take to tell a joke?
1) I want my remains spread around Disney World
2) I do not want to be cremated
Me, mum, my two brothers, my sister and grandma hurried into the living room and gathered round an IKEA box laying on the floor.
"Dad, it's some flat pack furniture, what do you need the whole family for?" I asked.
"Well, it must be these strange Swedish customs", he replies, "It says assembly required".
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...
He said “Dream on.” I think that was really nice of him.
and suddenly lepers' right foot starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls of. He takes it and tosses it through their cell window.
The pothead is looking at the leper and lights up a joint.
Suddenly lepers' left foot starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls of. He takes it and tosses it through the cell window.
The pothead is already pretty high and still watches the leper.
Next lepers' left arm starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls of. He takes it and tosses it through the cell window.
The pothead is now very high and visibly excited.
Finally lepers' right arm starts to itch. He scratches it against the wall and it falls of. He grabs it with his teeth and tosses it through the cell window.
The pothead starts jumping around the cell and cheering: "Way to go man, you're almost out!"
I said, "Spiders."
He said, "Professional ones?"
I said, "I don't know, I've never seen one in a suit before."
getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began playing,
"On the road again . . . Just can't wait to get on the road again . . . "
The student was amazed, and placed the cork back in the rectum. The music stopped. Totally freaked out, the student called the Medical Examiner over to the corpse.
"Look at this. This is really something!" the student told the examiner as he pulled the cork back out again.
"On the road again . . . Just can't wait to get on the road again . . ."
"So what?", the Medical Examiner replied, obviously unimpressed with the student's discovery.
"But isn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen?" asked the student.
"Are you kidding?" replied the Examiner, "Any asshole can sing country music."

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Mùa hè đã về, cũng là lúc những anh chàng sẽ quay lại với người bạn thân thiết là chiếc áo pull từ chất liệu cotton thoáng mát và tiện dụng. Nam giới rất thích mặc những chiếc áo pull cổ tròn hoặc cổ bẻ đơn giản nhưng nam tính. Bởi chúng không chỉ dễ mặc mà còn dễ phối hợp, giặt giũ và sử dụng được trong nhiều tính huống.
Mùa hè năm nay, xu hướng áo pull in phun họa tiết độc đáo sẽ lên ngôi. Giới mộ điệu thời trang vẫn ví von đó là "ảo ảnh 3D" để ám chỉ những chiếc áo pull một màu được nhấn nhá bằng hình họa hầm hố, cực ngầu hoặc ngược lại là dễ thương đáng yêu.
Nhưng điểm khác ở xu hướng này đó là cách xử lý màu và họa tiết có chiều sâu, chất lượng hơn để những chiếc áo có vẻ đẹp sắc nét. Đúng như tên gọi "ảo ảnh 3D" chúng có thể khiến người ngắm nhìn cảm tưởng như đang đối diện với những nhân vật được in trên áo thực sự.
Đặc biệt trong những ngày nóng 39, 40°C như thế này, chẳng có gì khiến các chàng thoải mái hơn chiếc áo thun. Chiếc áo đơn giản và cực mát mẻ để phái mạnh có thể giải nhiệt cho cơ thể. Với chiếc áo pull, họ sẽ không bị bó buộc bởi cái nóng hầm hập và những "cơn mua" mồ hôi nhớp nháp.
*Mời các bạn cùng chọn áo pull cho chàng giải nhiệt trong những ngày đổ lửa này!*
Áo thun 3D cộc tay sành điệu
*Áo màu đen với hình họa đẹp mắt* *Áo pull trắng được lựa chọn rất nhiều*
Đăng nhập hệ thống

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# 7 bài học lãnh đạo từ hải quân Mỹ
**Hãy mang những chiến thuật từ phòng chỉ huy quân sự sang phòng họp của ban giám đốc.**
Khi các lãnh đạo công ty tìm cách làm tăng tính hiệu quả và sự xuất sắc trong nghề nghiệp của đội ngũ, có rất nhiều điều họ có thể học hỏi được từ đội hải quân tinh nhuệ Mỹ.
Sự phối hợp của họ với các nhánh quân khác trong suốt thập kỷ vừa qua khiến họ trở thành một khu vực quân sự khiến toàn nước Mỹ và chính phủ có thể học hỏi được rất nhiều. Tôi đã từng là một người hâm mộ từ lâu của đội hải quân tinh nhuệ và khi tìm kiếm cảm hứng thực hiện sự thay đổi về văn hóa công việc và lãnh đạo, tôi cảm thấy họ là một nhóm tuyệt vời để học hỏi. Mặc dù các nhánh quân bí mật khác giữ bí mật tuyệt đối các bí quyết, những các cuốn sách kiểu như Lone Survivor và The Hunt for Bin Laden lại cho chúng ta góc nhìn về cách hoạt động của họ. Nhưng không gì bằng ngồi cùng một sĩ quan chỉ huy hải quân tinh nhuệ để hiểu họ nghĩ thế nào về việc lãnh đạo.
Lãnh đạo công ty và lãnh đạo quân đội có sự khác biệt rõ ràng do những lý do hiển nhiên sau: Lãnh đạo quân đội tập trung dẫn dắt các tổ chức chịu trách nhiệm về an ninh quốc gia và chiến đấu chống lại các cuộc chiến tranh, trong khi đó các lãnh đạo doanh nghiệp lại tập trung vào việc tạo ra các giá trị và bảo vệ lợi ích của các bên liên quan và lợi nhuận và các khoản thu về từ việc đầu tư thường là những ưu tiên hàng đầu của họ.
**Lên kế hoạch tỉ mỉ**
Từ góc độ quan điểm lãnh đạo, một trong những bài học lớn nhất có thể học được đội hải quân tinh nhuệ Mỹ là họ có kỹ năng làm việc đạt hiệu quả cao và là những người lập kế hoạch rất tỉ mỉ. Họ chú trọng tới tầm quan trọng của việc quản lý thời gian, đánh phá mục tiêu và hoàn thành thành nhiệm vụ. Họ hoạt động với kế hoạch hỗ trợ và dự phòng tại chỗ cho hầu như mọi tình huống.
Một trong những kỹ năng thực hành được dạy tại nhánh quân này là sự truyền đạt thông tin rõ ràng và trực tiếp. Hầu hết mọi người nghĩ rằng quân đội chỉ đưa thông tin trực tiếp và một chiều- những một điều hiển nhiên mà những tổ chức phi quân sự có thể nhận thấy là đội hải quân tinh nhuệ nhấn mạnh tới tầm quan của việc lắng nghe. Những sĩ quan chỉ huy hải quân tinh nhuệ lắng nghe và tạo ra một ý kiến tổng hợp càng nhiều ý tưởng và kinh nghiệm càng tốt để tạo nên một kế hoạch vững chắc.
Sự khác biệt lớn nhất giữa sĩ quan chỉ huy hải quân tinh nhuệ Mỹ và các lãnh đạo dân sự khác là một khi sĩ quan chỉ huy đã ra quyết định, thì mọi cuộc thảo luận cũng chấm dứt- sau đó tất cả đều phải tuân theo và hỗ trợ và một mặt trận thống nhất được đưa ra. Trách nhiệm sau cùng sẽ đè nặng lên vai sĩ quan chỉ huy.
**Đặt ra những kỳ vọng rõ ràng**
Đội hải quan tinh nhuệ chú trọng những mục tiêu rõ ràng, trong đó việc quan trọng nhất là xác định mục tiêu và tạo động lực để cả đội làm theo. Ngay cả với những hoạt động có độ phức tạp cao, mỗi người lính hải quân tinh nhuệ cũng đều có một vai trò được xác định rõ ràng và mỗi thành viên trong đội đều thuộc lòng những kỳ vọng. Tương tự như vậy, nhắc lại một viễn cảnh hấp dẫn và gắn mọi người với các ưu tiên là một lĩnh vực quan trọng trọng doanh nghiệp, nhưng điều này thường bị nhiều lãnh đạo doanhnghiepej bỏ qua.
Nguyên tắc tham gia của đội hải quân tinh nhuệ (cách họ phản ứng khi cạm trán) đã được thiết lập rõ ràng trước mỗi nhiệm vụ và việc điều chỉnh những nguyên tắc này có thể tác động xấu tới toàn bộ hoạt động chung. Nguyên tắc tham gia của các doanh nghiệp (những hành vi có thể chấp nhận và không thể chấp nhận của nhân viên) thường không được nêu rõ hoặc không tồn tại. Một trong những sự ngắt kết nối lớn nhất mà chúng tôi thấy tại các doanh nghiệp là khoảng cách giữa chiến lược của công ty và những kỳ vọng đi kèm, đặt ra cho các nhân viên.
Trong cuộc trò chuyện với chúng tôi, một sĩ quan chỉ huy đội hải quân tinh nhuệ Mỹ đã đưa ra 7 lời khuyên có thể áp dụng trong hầu hết các doanh nghiệp:
**1. Coi làm việc theo nhóm là ưu tiên cao nhất của bạn**
Một nhiệm vụ không thể được thực thi thành công nếu cả đội không cùng thực hiện cùng một chức năng. Những người lính hải quân tinh nhuệ nhấn mạnh tới việc làm việc nhóm tương ứng chặt chẽ với những yêu cầu hằng ngày của giới kinh doanh.
**2. Những người lãnh đạo đầu tiên là những người lãnh đạo tốt**
Đây là một cơ hội chưa hề có trong giới kinh doanh. Trong đó, một nhân viên phải mất từ 10 đến 15 năm thì mới vươn tới được một vị trí quản lý quan trọng với mức độ trách nhiệm cao.
**3. Nổi trội về đạo đức nghề nghiệp**
Trong giới kinh doanh, lãnh đạo có đạo đức đôi khi quá hiếm và được quý mến thực sự.
**4. Luôn bình tĩnh**
Quân đội huấn luyện đội ngũ của họ trở nên thoải mái hơn trong việc mạo hiểm với những thông tin chưa hoàn chỉnh. Đây là một công việc hằng ngày của một CEO, nhưng hiếm khi được truyền tới nhân viên.
**5. Những lúc khó khăn sẽ giúp bạn thích ứng nhanh chóng**
Các nhà lãnh đạo trẻ từng trải qua những lúc khó khăn nên học hỏi và hiểu rõ giá trị của chúng. Họ nên hiểu rằng những thời kỳ khó khăn đó sẽ không chỉ khiến họ mạnh mẽ hơn mà còn thực sự rèn luyện họ để có thể dẫn dắt một cách đúng đắn và thành công đội nhóm của họ trong cuộc chiến với đối thủ.
**6. Phục kích đối thủ**
Trong một cuộc phục kích, luôn điều hành qua máy bộ đàm và chỉ huy đơn vị (thường là người ở bên cạnh người cầm máy bộ đàm). Với khả năng lãnh đạo hoặc truyền đạt thông tin tốt, kẻ thù sẽ bị xáo trộn và có thể bị chia tách. Đây là bài học tốt nhất cho tất cả các lãnh đạo và tổ chức của họ.
**7. Nghiên cứu học thuyết của Darwin**
Người sống sót không phải là người khỏe nhất hay nhanh nhất mà là người có thể thích ứng tốt nhất đối với sự thay đổi. Đội hải quân tinh nhuệ là bậc thầy về sự thích ứng, họ có thể hoạt động trong rừng sâu, trên sa mạc và những điều kiện khắc nghiệt nhất. Tương tự như vậy, các CEO phải thích ứng với những điều kiện luôn thay đổi của thị trường hằng ngày và phải huấn luyện nhân viên cũng làm được như vậy.
*(Dịch từ Fastcompany *

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