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tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65826271484372127922017-09-14T05:40:19.722-05:00Maxed-Out MinivanAdventures and Mishaps of Parenting 5 School Aged Kids Heather Holternoreply@blogger.comBlogger116125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-26046896032411758572017-06-04T21:31:00.002-05:002017-06-04T21:31:40.884-05:00Thirteen Reasons It Could've Been Me (but wasn't)

In my last post Thirteen Reasons Why I Hated This Show, I talked about why this show was not my cup of tea. Many readers may have thought "What does she know? She probably can't relate to being raped or bullied. She probably had a perfect life growing up." I am here to tell you that is not so. I had much worse happen to me on top or being raped and bullied. My ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences) score was very high, yet I made it through somehow and am a well-adjusted and productive adult.

Here are my 13 reasons why it could have been me but wasn't:

Age 9-my sister and father both died suddenly within 6 months or each other.

Age 12/13-all of 7th and 8th grade my sister and I had the nickname lesbian twins.

Age 13-my mother remarried.

Age 14-witnessed stepdad being arrested for selling marijuana.

Age 14-my first sexual experience, never even been kissed, and I was raped by a boy I just met that day. The next day at school I earned the reputation of being easy, since I would sleep with someone I just met.

Age 14- earned the nickname "black and decker pecker wrecker". I made out with a much older boy and when he went to school the next day his neck was covered in hickeys. OOPS!

Age 14-I got wasted and was molested in the back seat of a car by a 7th grader.

Age 15-Black and Decker guy had sex with me at a party immediately after having sex with my friend. I didn't know at the time and actually thought I was his girlfriend. At school, I was teased about "sloppy seconds".

Age 15-got my first real boyfriend, gave him sex and blowjobs willingly only to be dumped 2 weeks before prom. He took one of my friends instead. I spent 2 weeks crying in bed. Everyone at school still thought I was slutty.

Age 15- had a one night stand with Black and Decker guy. The next day he went to school and told everyone I smelled like tuna.

Age 16-I was raped for the second time.

I witnessed drug/alcohol use in my home throughout my teens.

I was called stupid bitch almost daily throughout my teens.

This is not my whole story, just 13 things that could have pushed me over the edge but didn't. I don't know how I made it through all these events, but I do know I was not going to lay down and quit at life. I knew logically all of it was temporary and would be over when I graduated and that then I could start over. I am happy to report that I have a very happy life, 5 gorgeous kids and a great husband of 20 years!

Do you want to read my whole story? If so tell me in the comments. I just may write a memoir of my life.

Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-83992966526309574322017-05-20T20:49:00.000-05:002017-05-20T20:49:11.515-05:00Thirteen Reasons Why I Hated This Show

After a never-ending slew of people either raving about or revolting against this show based on the book by Jay Asher, I decided I had better check it out to see what all the fuss was about. I have to say I was not impressed.

In the spirit of the subject, here are my thirteen reasons why.

Bullying does not cause suicide. Experts agree that there needs to be an underlying issue such as abuse and/or neglect or mental in order for bullying to trigger a suicide attempt.

Hannah is a mean whiny girl. She can be just as mean as the people she accused of bullying her, including the one person who cared about her deeply.

The parents blame the school. I am sorry but the so called bullying Hannah experienced was so subtle there is no way the school staff could have caught it especially since she never went to turn anyone in. Suing the school will only hurt the students left there.

Most of what happened to Hannah is typical High School bullshit. These things happen to just about every high schooler at some point. Rape is the only exception. 1/4 of high schoolers have been raped and that many to not commit suicide.

What Hannah did making the tapes is vengeful and vindictive. Leaving the tapes behind is cruel, just the same as the bullying Hannah experienced. To get revenge from the grave is not right. It helps nothing.

Rape does not cause suicide. If it did, 1/4 of kids would be dead.

The suicide is too graphic. There is no reason to show Hannah slitting her wrists and blood spurting out. It would have sufficed to show her in the tub with the razor blade, then a painful face, then her dead in the bloody water.

Alex's suicide is not a realistic scenario. Guilt about a list would not make him do that.

This show should not be touted as an educational tool. It is more for entertainment if you ask me.

The beating of Clay was just too much. I do not understand why this had to be shown.

This show glorifies drinking and drugs. The show portrays this all to be a great fun part of high school. None of it has to be. High school can be a lot of fun without drinking and drug parties.

This show glorifies rape. Showing the rapes makes it look like a fun thing to do and may turn some boys on and give them the idea.

This show glorifies suicide. Hannah gets so much attention, care, tears shed over her, and love after the suicide and paints her as a heroin, so much that some teens may fantasize about all the attention they will get if they commit suicide, and it will drive them to do it.

There you have it. My opinion about this awful show. Tell me what you thought of the show in the comments.
Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-18173703511535027792016-12-13T12:04:00.003-06:002016-12-13T12:04:45.834-06:00Twins-A Blessing or a Curse?

Are twins a blessing or a curse?

The first 31 years of my life, if I had been asked this, I would have said a curse. I grew up with an identical twin sister and I always felt as if I never measured up to her. She was the leader and I was the follower. She was the smart pretty thin good twin. I was the dumb ugly fat evil twin. She was always better than I was in every way. By the time I was 32 I would change my mind and say twins are a blessing.

I was at my twelve-week prenatal appointment and everything checked out great. The doctor asked if I had and questions and I asked her if I was measuring big because I was showing a lot and had gained twelve pounds already. She said I was measuring where I was supposed to and that it was probably because it was my fourth pregnancy in quick succession. She told me we could do a dating ultrasound to be sure I wasn't farther along than I thought I was.

I knew for a fact my due date was correct because I had been keeping track of ovulation. I reluctantly agreed. As I walked to outpatient scheduling I thought "this lady is stupid, my due date is not off." I scheduled the ultrasound for the following week anyway.

The day of the appointment I almost just didn't go. I would have to pick up a babysitter, take a one, three, and five year old out by myself and have them sit in the tiny radiology waiting area with the babysitter during the ultrasound. I was thinking "This is such a waste of time, I know my damn due date is correct." I went anyway. That's when things got real!

As I lay on the ultrasound table and the ultrasound technician started to scan my already huge belly I saw two babies on the screen and nearly screamed "NO ******* WAY, THIS CANNOT BE TRUE, KILL ME NOW." I stayed silent and waited for her to say something. She then said in the most cheerful of voices "oh, look, two babies!" I snapped "I know, I saw that already!" She kept talking incessantly about all the cool stuff she was doing but I was too pissed to look and just stared at the ceiling. When she said " Here is baby A's heartbeat, here is baby B's heartbeat," I snapped "I do not want to look at any of this crap, just do whatever it is you need to do so I can go home." I spent the next twenty minutes staring at the ceiling, pissed as hell, having racing thoughts about what this meant for us.Thankfully she was silent the rest of the time until she asked if I wanted pictures. Of course, I did because how else was I going to prove that it was true to myself or to my husband?

I told my twin sister I was having twins and that they were due on September 21st, 2008. She thought it was so cool and said that maybe they would be born on our birthday which is August 15th. I told her that would be impossible since that was 5 weeks before they were due and it would be too early. What are the chances?

I was pretty upset for the first few weeks. I wanted 4 kids not 5, and surely not twins. I didn’t want them to have the experience I had of competing with a twin and always feeling inferior. However, as the weeks passed I got used to the idea of having twins. I started telling everyone we were getting a bonus baby. I loved and wanted them both and talked to them constantly, and when there were growth issues with one of them I would tell her “come on baby grow”.

My water broke abruptly on August 14th, 2008 at 10 PM and by 2 AM August 15th they were here! YES! They were born on my and my twin sister’s 32nd birthday! What are the odds of that? Well, according to the Minnesota Twin and Family Study it is a 1 in 3.8 million chance! WOW!

After being flown on a life flight to another hospital they spent a short 6 days in NICU then were sent home. Caring for them was much harder to do than it had been with all my others. I had never had a preemie and never two babies at once. I slept very little and spent all my time nursing two babies. They grew and thrived. They were fun babies, very content and quiet. As toddlers, they found ways to get in trouble together. As preschoolers there was a lot of fighting, scratching, biting and hair pulling. There was also a lot of laughter and play. As kindergarteners and first graders they were in different classrooms and began to come into their own. It was a little sad for me to send them to school, since they are my youngest children, and to start seeing them more as individuals than a pair. It has been very good for them though.

Today my twins are eight years old and about to enter the second grade and if you ask me now if they are a blessing or a curse, as a mother of twins, I would say a blessing. We still call our youngest twin our little bonus baby!

What do you think? Blessing or Curse?
Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-81697756136934613862016-11-10T21:30:00.000-06:002016-11-11T00:09:09.764-06:00Tearing Down the Walls

The day after Trump became president my daughter went to school crying because she was sure her Hispanic friend would be sent back to Mexico.

That very day at the bus stop a group of kids were chanting "build that wall" over and over to a group of Hispanic children.

Families and children are afraid and confused. People are being bullied, mistreated and abused.

This hate has got to stop. It seems hate is being encouraged these days.

Here is a novel idea. Instead of building new walls of exclusion, how about we tear down some existing ones.

There are many groups of people that have walls they need to get over in order to be accepted.

Just to name a few: those with mental illness, those with disabilities, those with addiction issues, minority races, the LGBTQ community, those of different religious beliefs, those that participate in social programs and more.

America is a melting pot. It was meant to be a place of acceptance for all people. This is not the America I see today. It is not what it should be. ALL of us need to start to tear down these walls that separate us instead of creating new ones. Although they are invisible, they are a barrier as strong as any physical wall could ever be.

Can we love all people? Can we accept those that are not like us? Can we see and try to understand their struggles? Can we include them? Can we give it a try?

Let's all do that. Let's start today!

Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-63960567608117983692016-06-27T13:23:00.000-05:002016-06-27T13:23:37.969-05:00ADHD in Aisle 3

Last week 3 of my children had dentist appointments 20 miles from my home in the town I usually do all my errands. I usually do errands alone to avoid behavior problems, this time, however, in order to save a trip back to town, I decided to do my errands after the dentist appointments. Keep in mind we were at the dentist for 2 hours.

After the dentist, we went to Target to get a few birthday gifts for parties coming up. After Target my 13-year-old son and I needed hair cuts so we went to Great Clips. My other son who is 9 years old and has moderate ADHD started getting antsy and was peeking behind the curtain to see me, standing on a chair, wandering back and forth from the product shelves to the opposite wall. All the while, my 7 yr old daughter was sitting nicely and being quiet. By the time the hair cuts were completed we had been gone for four hours.

Looking back, I now see the error of my ways.
I guess I should have known better than to think my 9 yr old could make it through another store, judging by the way he acted at Great Clips, but I pressed my luck. Next stop, the grocery store.

We began the shopping trip with the kids each being asked to retrieve a grocery item. I allowed them to choose fruit and put things into the cart to keep them busy. Five minutes into the trip, my 9-year-old started running. I begged, I pleaded, I nearly cried.

After a bit, I grabbed his neck so he would look at me and quietly said, "Please slow down." This is when things got a little out of hand. We only had dairy and frozen left to get through, so I thought we could manage. He immediately began walking is super slow motion. He loudly said, also super slowly "I can't keep up." He looked ridiculous and I was mortified. People were staring. Others were shaking their heads as if to say "She can't control her own kid." I ignored all the looks and told him I was not waiting and the other kids and I went to the frozen foods without him.

Eventually, he showed up. I assumed this would be the easy part because I was allowing each of them to choose a TV dinner, which I rarely get. He chose his quickly then decided it would be a good time to begin writing the word "poop" on every freezer door since I was distracted trying to choose dinners for myself, my husband, and the 2 kids left at home. I had no idea he had done this until he had written it on every freezer door in that aisle. I held onto him while my 13-year-old went to all of the doors and rubbed the word away.

This concluded the shopping and all the kids were super helpful putting the groceries on the belt, but then after they were done, the 9-year-old was goofing off at the end where everyone walks through and he was getting in people's way.

What people do not understand is that ADHD kids do not have the same impulse control as the rest of us and often display behaviors 3-5 years behind their actual age. He will be 10 in July. Yes, he looks like a normally developed 5th grader. But behavior reflects that of a 5-7-year-old. It seems as if he has bad parenting. I will tell you, none of my other kids act like that. I actually spend double or triple the amount of time correcting his behaviors than I do on the rest of the children. He really is a very sweet kid with a ton of amazing qualities. They are just difficult to see through all the rambunctious behavior.

Next time you see a seemingly normal looking child acting out at a store, keep in mind that there is maybe something you do not know that can not be seen. Consider that this tired mama works hard to help her child overcome these obstacles but can not possibly stay on top of it every second of every day. Consider the daily struggle this family encounters and the judgments by others they face. Above all else, recognize the treasure each child is and realize there are probably amazing things about this "terror" that you are not seeing. It makes me very sad that people can not see the amazing kid under all of the crazy behaviors. I am the only one who really knows him. Let me tell you-I am oh so blessed!

Do you have a child with struggles that are hard for others to see? What are your solutions?

Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-15300410398851193182016-06-25T17:05:00.000-05:002016-06-25T17:17:47.712-05:00Grilled Hawaiian Chicken Sandwiches and Hawaiian Pasta Salad

I am not a food blogger but I just needed to share my versions of these recipes! I don't know how to make them printable so I apologize for that in advance! I hope you like them!

Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-18392989859828750652016-05-08T11:02:00.000-05:002016-05-08T11:02:18.175-05:00Motherhood:What it Means to Me

 Motherhood is painful, scary, and unpredictable.

Motherhood is body changing, life giving, and life altering.

Motherhood is little hands, little feet, and big hearts.

Motherhood is late nights and early mornings.

Motherhood is cuddles, kisses, and hugs.

Motherhood is soft, comforting, and precious.

Motherhood is creating, discovering, and exploring.

Motherhood is anger, yelling, and apologies.

Motherhood is compassion, support, and forgiveness.

Motherhood is hellos, goodbyes, coming, and going.

Motherhood is joyful, peaceful, and graceful.

Motherhood is school programs, football games, and dance recitals.

Motherhood is powerful, all encompassing, and soul searching.

Motherhood is overwhelming, disappointing, and bewildering.

Motherhood is tickles, laughter, and rosy cheeks.

Motherhood is hard, confusing, and frustrating.

Motherhood is wonderful, exhilarating, and fulfilling.

Motherhood is tiring, thankless, and heartbreaking.

Motherhood is holding on and letting go.

Motherhood is lonely, sacrifice, and expensive.

Motherhood is giggles, smiles, and games.

Motherhood is dance parties, picnics, and trips.

Motherhood is busy, crazy, and scheduled.

Motherhood is goofy, silly, and sweet.

Motherhood is beautiful, important, and magical.

Motherhood is emotional, brutal, and frightening.

Motherhood is messy, irritating, and cluttered.

Motherhood is forts, movies, and talks.

Motherhood is everything, indescribable, and priceless.

Motherhood is love!

Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-86219691862826813742016-05-06T10:52:00.002-05:002016-05-06T10:52:57.203-05:00Motherless on Mother's Day

The past few weeks I have not been doing well. I just started feeling out of sorts. I was angry and/or sad very often and could not figure out why. I felt irritated much of the time. Then I saw a Mother's Day post and it dawned on me. That was what was upsetting me. I am about to celebrate my first Mother's Day without a mom. She left this earth shortly after last Mother's Day.

Every time I see a Mother's day commercial or Facebook post I get angry and it all seems so unfair. I don't want to do Mother's Day without my mom here. Why does everyone else have a mom except me? Obviously, that is not the truth, but it sure feels that way. I get angry when I see very old ladies. Why do they still get to be alive but not my mama?

I told my friend about my feeling about this and she acted like I was being selfish. Maybe I am. Isn't it okay to be selfish every now and then? I told her I would like to just skip Sunday altogether. I want to go to bed Saturday and wake up Monday and just skip it.

I realize that I am a mom and my kids want to celebrate me, but I just don't know how I am going to do it. I have seen them sneaking off to their rooms to make me gifts. My daughter has a weekly schedule written on the whiteboard. For Saturday it says: Making and buying gifts for mama. I feel like crying whenever I look at it for two reasons: because it makes me sad I don't have my mom, and from guilt over not being happy and joy filled reading how much my kids love me in those words. They have asked me what I want for a gift. I tell them I want my mom. They are dumbfounded because that is just something they can not deliver. They talk excitedly about the day we will have. I am worried. I want to be happy and enjoy my kids and the joy and happiness they feel over it. I just don't know if I can. I am not sure I can paste on a smile and be happy for their sakes. Furthermore, I don't really want to. I want to lay in my bed and cry for my own mama. I know that would be the wrong approach.

I am stuck. I love my kids but I really miss my mom!

Are you facing your first Mother's Day without your mama? How are you planning to cope?

Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-31277845080274755452016-04-29T10:46:00.001-05:002016-04-29T20:23:30.308-05:00You Are Not What You Look Like

Lies. They are everywhere. The beauty industry feeds us these lies and builds our insecurities around them. Once we have them, the beauty industry uses them to sell us so much crap we do not need. We just think we do.

If you have skin issues cover them up.
If you have frizzy hair make it less frizzy.
Unstyled hair looks sloppy.
If you have a tummy wear something to hide it or get liposuction/tummy tuck.
If you have yellow teeth get them whitened.
If you have crooked teeth get them straightened.
If you have stretch marks fade them.
If you have wrinkles reduce them.
If you have gray hair color it.
Bare nails are ugly, manicure them.
Comfortable clothes look sloppy, wear fancy shit.
The shoes make the outfit.
Accessorize!
If you have body or facial hair remove it.
If you have cellulite reduce/remove it.
Makeup will brighten your face, pale is out!
Tan is in, go to a tanning salon.
Dull hair looks bad, get highlights!
Wear a lifting bra, saggy boobs look terrible.
If your boobs are too small, get implants.
If you are fat you're gross, go to the gym.

Good news. There are a bunch of products you really need to fix yourself! Do all this and your insecurities will disappear!

concealer
anti frizz serum
curling/straightening irons
Spanx
tooth whitener
braces
stretch mark cream/laser treatments
wrinkle cream/botox
hair dye
nail polish and acrylic nails
high fashion clothing
dress shoes
jewelry/belts
waxing kits/services or laser hair removal
cellulite cream/liposuction
makeup
Self-tanners/tanning booths
salon visits for highlights
expensive bras
plastic surgery
gym membership

Look, I am sure there is much more. The point is these are not things we need. These are lies in a bottle. There is a reason the beauty industry wasn't hurting during hard financial times and a reason why the beauty industry continues to thrive. It is because we believe our worth is based on what we look like. So we try to fix our flaws in hopes that we will become more confident and less insecure. Does it work? I say no. I think it just makes our insecurities worse because once we fix one thing another thing comes up that needs fixing. It is a never ending cycle of find and fix, find and fix, repeat, repeat, repeat. But we are never happy with ourselves because we are constantly being told fix this, fix that and everything is never totally fixed. It actually causes us to notice our flaws more because the industry is feeding us so many lies daily.

Here are the beauty products you actually need for hygiene purposes.
Soap
Shampoo
Deodorant
Toothpaste/toothbrush
Hairbrush

See that short list? If we could all just simplify to use just those things and ignore the lies the beauty industry feeds us daily wouldn't we all be much happier? I think yes! The sooner we realize what we look like isn't who we are we will be better off. I have value no matter what I look like. How about you?

 What do you think? Is the beauty industry causing more harm than good?

Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-62322798485926986332016-04-06T13:10:00.000-05:002016-04-06T14:50:32.385-05:00The Story of My Life in Memes

If you like these and want to share any they can be
 found on my Maxed-Out Minivan Facebook page!

Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-84260373101221699202016-03-14T08:18:00.000-05:002016-03-14T08:18:03.486-05:00The Pros and Cons of Working at Home

For 13 years I was a SAHM. Four and a half months ago, right after my oldest son turned 13, I got a job at a local factory doing Home Assembly. It is 29 hours per week as a supplemental income. In that time I have learned a lot about the advantages and disadvantages of such an arrangement.

PROS:

I get to make my own hours. I can work around appointments, sickness, and anything else that comes up.

I get to have a pajama day ever day. Nothing beats working in your PJs!

I don't have to deal with people.

I can take whatever breaks I want/need to.

I am here for the kids when they have days off.

The DVR stays empty. I always have something on to at least listen to in the background while I am working.

No commute. It is nice not to have to waste time, gas, and wear and tear on the van.

I don't get behind on laundry. I switch things from the washer to the dryer and start a new load when I take a break.

I don't need to pack a lunch.

No wardrobe expense. I wear whatever I want, PJs normally, as stated above.

I don't need to look presentable. I sometimes don't brush my hair or teeth or wear deodorant.

I control the thermostat.

CONS:

I get distracted by things like Facebook, house work, and phone calls.

There is no separation between home and work-same place.

I don't get paid breaks.

I have to multitask when the kids are home, they want ALL THE THINGS when I decide to work.

My house looks like a factory. My living room always has boxes and equipment everywhere.

I don't get paid for the time I spend loading and unloading orders, picking up and dropping off orders or setting up a job to start working on it.

I need to be organized and schedule my work or else it won't get done by the due date. If I get behind I am up all night finishing work the day before i need to return it.

Loneliness. I get stir crazy sometimes when it's just me, myself and I all day while the kids are at school.

My family gets mad sometimes when they want things and I am working. They do not get that I need to work. Just because I am here does not mean I am available.

I don't get vacation or sick days. I still need to get my hours in even if I have plans or if I am sick.

Friends assume I can do things with them any time any day. Just because I am home, that does not mean I am available.

I feel compelled to work ahead even if I got done with the amt of work I had planned to do that day.

As you can see, the pros and cons are about equal. If you have a paying job, do you work at home or out of the home? Which do you prefer?Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-42867974813347458242016-01-22T11:28:00.001-06:002016-01-22T11:28:03.369-06:00Building Calluses

One day I noticed a hard rough spot on a few of my fingers. I began scratching at them and then it occurred to me that they were the start of calluses. I began working a new job doing home assembly in October for a local factory. I then realized that I must leave them alone. Imagine if I had peeled them off. I would have raw open spots. Then whenever I worked it would be painful. Every thing I did would cause me pain.

Calluses are ugly and rough. Nobody wants them. But they serve a purpose. Our bodies are smart. They build calluses to protect our tissues and prevent pain from doing repetitive tasks. A callus is defined as: a thickened and hardened part of the skin or soft tissue, especially in an area that has been subjected to friction. It makes perfect sense for our bodies to do this. Otherwise every time we worked there would be pain and we would be reluctant to continue with the work. So in order to keep doing the work we need to accomplish we build calluses.

We need to build figurative calluses also in order to survive this life. We can't be left open and raw to every encounter that occurs. We would never survive it. So we callus ourselves to certain situations we may encounter. We toughen up to certain words or situation that we know have hurt us in the past. If we leave ourselves open to it how would we ever live, short of hiding out from the world? We wouldn't. Some things we leave ourselves open to. We are raw and open and vulnerable in many, but not all, ways. We need to feel, just not ever pain. Some need to be protected against to insure survival. If we left ourselves open to all hurts it just would not work. Life would become too hard to bear and we would give up completely. The secret is figuring out where to build calluses and where to allow ourselves to feel. That is the hard part. After we have found that balance, however, life will be an easier walk and we will have much more bliss!

I used to care what everyone thought of me and I wanted everyone to like me. I would be very hurt if someone was nasty to me or didn't like me. I callused myself to what most people thought, and decided who was important enough to care what they thought of me. I also callused myself to things my loved ones said to me during disputes, because I realize they probably don't mean it. I decided to live my values despite what other thought. This has made my life so much easier.

Where have you built up calluses and where have you left yourself open and raw? Are there areas you still need to build calluses?Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-16536869080219197142016-01-01T10:51:00.000-06:002016-01-01T10:51:30.028-06:00Top 10 Posts of 2015

Here are the top 10 posts in 2015 in order of least to most popular!

The End of an Era

My Son Wears Pink Shoes and I Don't Care

My Struggle With Anxiety and How the SMITH
Book Inspired me to Share My Story

Minecraft Ruined My Child

How Do We Teach Kids to Stand Up For Themselves?

I Hate My Baby: A Postpartum Story

Facebook Paradoxical Identity Disorder

Cute Kidisms 6

Who Made You The Facebook Police?

Not So Tired Anymore:How Everything
 I Thought I Knew Was Destroyed

Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-85261468223058615512015-12-18T07:47:00.001-06:002015-12-18T07:47:57.222-06:00The Supporters Who Showed Up to Give Me Strength

I wrote this story as a follow up to "I Hate My Baby:A Postpartum Story" which was featured on Mamalode. This is how I survived it and turned the tables in my favor.

I breathe a huge sigh of relief as I lay my sleeping newborn down. He is finally asleep, so I figure I should try to wash last night's dishes. My husband has been doing all the cleaning,cooking, and shopping since we came home from the hospital, so it is the least I can do. I feel pretty much worthless. I begin to run the water and I have so many thoughts going through my head. I have zero energy, I have low iron, I am recovering from a broken tailbone from the delivery. To make matters worse, my child still will not nurse, and I am still not producing milk. I am a failure in every way. I feel as if I have been hit by a truck, causing an injury to which I will never recover. Will I feel this way forever. What have I done to my life? I wanted this child so much, so why do I hate him? I really do, no love in sight.

The sink is full so I shut off the water and begin washing the dishes. 5 dishes in I hear him crying. “Already?” I think. Why doesn’t this child sleep more than 30 minutes alone, but will sleep for hours in my arms. He is suffocating me. I do not move, I freeze. I cry. Just when I have no idea what to do next, the phone rings. I pick up. “How are you doing?” my sister asks. I begin to bawl louder than my baby and can not speak in any coherent way. My sister comes right over.

My sister rocks, sings to, and walks my baby around while I nap. He cries the entire time and I can’t drown out the noise. I am exhausted and frustrated. I want to make it stop. After what seems like an eternity, but what was probably a short time, I give up on my nap and go take my son from her and attempt a feeding, failing as usual. My sister hugs me, talks to me, encourages me, and supports me. She stays a few hours and makes sure I will be okay before she leaves. Over the next few weeks she visits often and calls even more frequently. I know she is there for me.

My milk finally comes in, so I have a glimmer of hope there, but still I can not get my son to nurse. I syringe feed him every feeding which I obtain by pumping. I get a visit from my public health nurse. I am agitated by the thought of a visitor because I feel like it will be a waste of time, it’s a lost cause, but she gets my son to nurse actively for the first time. She teaches me techniques and tricks and makes sure I know them before she leaves. What was supposed to be a one hour visit turns into a 3 hour one. She is a saint! We practice at every feeding, my son and I, and it gets better and better every feeding. My public health nurse calls every day for a week to be sure I am feeling confident in my abilities. I thank her and tell her we are doing fine and that I won’t need any more calls. I doubt I would ever have nursed had it not been for her help.

My husband is my rock throughout these early weeks. He expects nothing from me, except for me to get back to my old self, if that is even a possibility. While I heal he takes over everything. When he is home my husband does all the baby care unless he needs to nurse. I spend all of my days on the couch with my son, and my nights in my bed. I am really starting to feel my energy returning. I am stronger every day! When I look at my son now, I feel pure unadulterated love, which I never thought possible.

Two weeks have passed. I look back and wonder how I survived. Things look so much brighter. My baby is thriving and I am healing. There is light at the end of this tunnel. I am going to come out on the other side, I just know it!

My supporters-sister, husband and nurse, held me together and gave me the strength to get through it all. I persevered because of them. I made it. Time passed, I healed, my boy grew, and grew and grew. He is now almost thirteen and was joined by 4 siblings over the next 6 years following his birth. Motherhood is the greatest, hardest blessing of my life!

Did you have a great support system when you brought home your first child? How did it change your life?

Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-9765727387111542932015-12-14T07:29:00.001-06:002015-12-14T07:29:05.979-06:00Who is That Lady with the Baby and the Teenager?

As I look around when I go to public places, I realize there are many parents who have both teenagers and babies and I wonder why they would choose this. Now that my kids are older I think it would be quite impossible to drag a baby around to all these places teenagers need to go. Of course I probably only think this because I had all five of my kids before my oldest one even went to Kindergarten. I didn't need to go anywhere pressing. I only needed to go places I wanted to, on my own schedule.

With older kids, the schedule is jammed with places they need to go. They have responsibilities that can't just be skipped like school or sports. Add homework to that and there is no time left in a day. This leaves me questioning how parents on both teens and tots have any time to even care for the baby outside of school hours.

How do they enjoy watching sports or concerts the teens are in when they need to constantly tend to a baby?

How does the baby ever get enough sleep?

How do the parents ever get any sleep?

When does the baby get fed or changed after school ends?

What about free play?

It seems baby would just be trapped in a car seat from 3-9 nightly running from place to place.

I am so busy without a baby in tow I don't even see how it would even be a possibility.

I am sure there are benefits to this spacing of children, such as a built in babysitter and another person that can teach baby all he needs to know. Other than that, I just think it would be complete chaos.

By the time you get used to not changing diapers, losing sleep or spoon feeding someone, you need to do it all over again.

With closely spaced children this is not an issue. You always continuously have diapers, baby food, and loss of sleep for years and years with no break in between so it is just a way of life. We had children in diapers (up to 3 at a time) for 9 1/2 years straight and it was just normal to us. I was pregnant or nursing (or both!) for 8 1/2 years straight. We still have car seats and always have for 13 years. In less than a year we will be done with them. I would hate to be done and then just start these practices all over again.

Because my experience is so different, I just want to know, how do parents on teens and tots do it?

So, do you have a teen and a tot? If so what is your secret?

Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-26279289954016084262015-12-11T08:03:00.001-06:002015-12-11T08:03:47.955-06:00The 12 Days of Christmas:Mom's Editition

My daughter and I had a fun time writing this together! Enjoy!

On the 1st day of Christmas my children gave to me:

 a toilet clogged with poop and pee!

On the 2nd day of Christmas my children gave to me:

2 flailing tantrums

And a toilet clogged with poop and pee!

On the 3rd day of Christmas my children gave to me:

3 lame excuses

2 flailing tantrums

And a toilet clogged with poop and pee!

On the 4th day of Christmas my children gave to me:

4 hours of sleep

3 lame excuses

2 flailing tantrums

And a toilet clogged with poop and pee!

On the 5th day of Christmas my children gave to me:

5 unmade beds

4 hours of sleep

3 lame excuses

2 flailing tantrums

And a toilet clogged with poop and pee!

On the 6th day of Christmas my children gave to me:

6 water messes

5 unmade beds

4 hours of sleep

3 lame excuses

2 flailing tantrums

And a toilet clogged with poop and pee!

On the 7th day of Christmas my children gave to me:

7 piles of laundry

6 water messes

5 unmade beds

4 hours of sleep

3 lame excuses

2 flailing tantrums

And a toilet clogged with poop and pee!

On the 8th day of Christmas my children gave to me:

8 stacks of dishes

7 piles of laundry

6 water messes

5 unmade beds

4 hours of sleep

3 lame excuses

2 flailing tantrums

And a toilet clogged with poop and pee!

On the 9th day of Christmas my children gave to me:

9 rooms to vacuum

8 stacks of dishes

7 piles of laundry

6 water messes

5 unmade beds

4 hours of sleep

3 lame excuses

2 flailing tantrums

And a toilet clogged with poop and pee!

On the 10th day of Christmas my children gave to me:

10 scattered socks

9 rooms to vacuum

8 stacks of dishes

7 piles of laundry

6 water messes

5 unmade beds

4 hours of sleep

3 lame excuses

2 flailing tantrums

And a toilet clogged with poop and pee!

On the 11th day of Christmas my children gave to me:

11 smeary windows

10 scattered socks

9 rooms to vacuum

8 stacks of dishes

7 piles of laundry

6 water messes

5 unmade beds

4 hours of sleep

3 lame excuses

2 flailing tantrums

And a toilet clogged with poop and pee!

On the 12th day of Christmas my children gave to me:

A 12 hour headache

11 smeary windows

10 scattered socks

9 rooms to vacuum

8 stacks of dishes

7 piles of laundry

6 water messes

5 unmade beds

4 hours of sleep

3 lame excuses

2 flailing tantrums

And a toilet clogged with poop and pee!

What "gifts" will your kids give you for the 12 days of Christmas?

Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-46029835779929615322015-12-07T00:34:00.000-06:002015-12-07T08:04:50.663-06:00The Great Fever Debate of 2015

I did not realize so much could be said about fevers. It is entertaining really. My friend *Liz posted a photo on Facebook about fevers and the number of comments was surprising. See for yourself.
*Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

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Pricilla I agree. They have a purpose

Like · Reply · 1 · Yesterday at 10:02pm
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Jamie Me neither!

Like · Reply · 14 hrs

Carla I have been told up to 103....anything higher can cause encephalitis and possibly damage. Several medical professionals told me this, including my son's surgeon and specialist when he was suffering from chronic ear infection and swollen adenoids causing frequent fevers, sometimes high.

Otherwise I agree.

Like · Reply · 14 hrs
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Liz Normal fevers won't. Even high ones. There is a thing put out by CDC that was posted in my Pediatrician's office saying fevers causing brain damage is a myth

Like · Reply · 13 hrs · Edited
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Liz MYTH: Fevers above 104 degrees F are dangerous. They can cause brain damage.
FACT: Even fevers with infections don’t cause brain damage on their own. Only temperatures above 108 degrees F can cause brain damage.

Like · Reply · 13 hrs
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Liz http://www.childrenscolorado.org/.../fevers-myths-vs-facts

<a href="http://l.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.childrenscolorado.org%2Fwellness-safety%2Fparent-resources%2Fshine-newsletter%2Fjanuary-february-2015%2Ffevers-myths-vs-facts&h=rAQEZP0TG&enc=AZNkxSLcdKAz_yhw_q7-IVwintOO8V-xSgyiZYCFMdZp5She5by04LpKgHwQoNYNPqQtCr42a2u5vPUCfX7Qrmn8nODEj4NEdO34keRIxaxw0m-jCcMhM3QnXsdbHO3QowBMCSz_WELEzzL3wbB3zdJ5bFSTHQFX2ecjviVnGhhhIQ&s=1" rel="nofollow" style="color: #141823; cursor: pointer; text-decoration: none; transition: color 0.1s ease-in-out;" target="_blank">Fevers: Myths Vs. Facts | Children's Hospital Colorado

CHILDRENSCOLORADO.ORG

Like · Reply · 13 hrs
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Carla I go w what my trusted med professionals say. I treat if 103 for 12 hrs or more and treat for pain/headaches. I try natural methods first, and advil/Tylenol if needed
The problem with the myth/fact statements is that they are blanket statements and each body will react differently, I would rather treat than take a chance. Also, encephalitis (brain swelling) can happen at high temp. It may not be common but it is a risk when allowing a fever to spike too much. Also, once a fever reaches 104 it can quickly rise to a dangerous level, I'd personally not risk it hitting above that.
It is my choice as a parent to listen to multiple docs I know and trust, rather than me memes or net articles. I am not doing harm by treating at 103.

Like · Reply · 1 · 12 hrs · Edited
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Liz My Pediatrician's office goes by the same rules on that website. I do treat high fevers for comfort, but only to sleep. High fevers run in our family, so every fever they've had is over 102, and my daughter's are typically 104-105 for days, up to a week. No brain damage:)

Like · Reply · 6 hrs
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Liz Dangerous is 108 or higher.

Like · Reply · 6 hrs
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Liz You will NEVER do harm by treating a fever. Treating a fever only prolongs the infection, doesn't cause harm, on its own. The article is from a Children's Hospital, with experts, and the same Myth Fact rules the CDC listed at my Doctor's office. You act like I'm "listening" to someone with no medical expertise like a mom blogger or something. Sheesh! I just didn't have time to find the CDC guidelines.

Like · Reply · 6 hrs · Edited
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Liz Here's one from the American Academy of Pediatrics, the same list above, and the one at my Doctor's office.
http://www.pfpdocs.com/.../Fever%20Myths%20and%20Facts.pdf

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Carla I never said u were....why so argumentative just bc I listen to my doctors?
I have had a 104.6 fever....have you? I was delirious and it was scary and I have rarely felt so shitty. The ER nurses demanded that I be checked. I already said that I make a bit of a different choice and you are welcome to yours....so why all the checking for articles to prove yourself "right"? I highly doubt you just happened to have them already so that means you went looking. And like I said, every single persons body handles things differently. Chill.

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Liz "It is my choice as a parent to listen to multiple docs I know and trust, rather than memes or net articles". Who does this? And if not me, who were you referring to that does? If it didn't apply to me then it didn't need to be said. I am very educated and, having done research myself, know the importance of info that is from experts who have done professional research. Yes. I had 105 in elementary and was very delirious. I was making no sense. I said I treat for comfort, only at night. I never said never treat a fever. And of course you can do whatever you want. You are the parent. I never told anyone what to do. Just said what I do. The "chill" comment was unnecessary. I am chilled. Just presenting the facts. I, too, thought fevers over 105 could cause brain damage until I saw the info from my pediatrician a couple weeks ago.

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Liz Oh, also the info about fevers not causing brain damage is newer. Many doctors may go by the old "rules". They previously thought lower fevers could cause brain damage or consider 105 to be "very high". There was never a number put on it difinitively until recently. They just said "very high fevers can cause brain damage"

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Liz Also, I know what encephalitis is. Who doesn't?

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Carla You couldn't have dropped it in the beginning when I said basically "I choose a little different but otherwise agree" ??
And saying I will go w my docs....
Why keep posting and arguing?
Wtf?
Why fucking post on FB if you can't hear a differing opinion without trying to change ppl minds?????

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Liz I'm not trying to change anyone's mind. And I'm not arguing. You insinuated I am listening to "memes and net articles". Lol. Just clarifying. It's nice to hear differing behavior based on the same information. I like it. I feel like people are taking it personally if they choose to do differently. I only posted the thing for education about something I had no clue about a couple weeks ago, and thought other people also might not know.

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Liz I didn't hear agreement on your original response. I heard "nope...my doctor said..."(disagreement ). I'm happy to hear what works for you. And I know you don't overmedicate. You never even needed to tell me that, because I know you are responsible with meds. I personally don't know enough about meds to know what to do, really. So I don't use them often at all.

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Liz I could tell that, like me, you had not heard the more recent guidelines, just what your particular doctors said. And yes, you should go by who you trust. I never said you did anything wrong, and was not trying to convince you. I just thought it was interesting and thought you may too, because it was obvious that, like me, you hadn't seen the guidelines by AAP. I'm sorry you felt attacked or like I was trying to change your mind or weren't allowed to have another opinion. I wasn't and of course you are. Love you!

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Judy We don't treat fevers either unless they're especially uncomfortable.

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Liz Me too, at night only to sleep because it can cause dehydration and my kids have had nightmares, or couldn't sleep.

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Heather  When T was 8 had pnemonia and 105 fever and I called the nurse line (Mayo Clinic) they told me the only reason to treat any fever under 106 is to stop them from getting dehydrated. If a child is able to drink enough it doesn't need to be treated. Brain damage does not happen until 106 from fever, even seizures with a lower one cause no permanent damage. He said to just find underlying cause at the clinic so it can be treated if necessary. It was Friday and they even said to wait until Monday and ER was unnecessary. It was bacterial so he got antibiotics that Monday. He lived to tell about it even with no treatment for an entire week. Monday-Friday he just had a lower fever that came and went so I didn't even know he was so sick until Friday when his fever spiked. When I felt terrible when I found out it was pnemonia the clinic told me it wouldn't even have shown up on xray as bacterial until at least Friday if even then. Possibly not. Because of that experience fevers no longer freak me out.

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Liz It's actually 108.

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Liz Yeah. I guess Mayo Clinic and American Academy of Pediatrics doesn't know what they are talking about.

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Heather Holter  Mayo Clinic told me 106, but it was 5 yrs ago. New research is probably 108.

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Carla She's just feeling esp argumentative today obvs......no one is allowed an opinion that doesn't gel w hers.

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Liz Lol. No, not argumentative. I just read the 108 at the doctors office in the last few weeks. I was alarmed too, because it used to be lower.

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Liz And OF COURSE people are "allowed" to have differing opinions. I have always said, and many times in this post, people can think and do whatever they want. This is not an "opinion" matter. I am only presenting what I just found out. People can do withit whatever they want to. If they feel like medicating even a low grade fever, go for it. I did it recently. My daughter felt crummy and didn't even have a temp high enough to be considered a fever. But she was miserable and dizzy and wanted to go to school, and was allowed per school guidelines. So I gave her Tylenol and let her go.

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Carla I am just wondering why all the extra sources when someone feels differently. Seems excessive. No one said they didn't believe u so no real need for it
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Emily I guess I don't understand what the big deal is. I know that I personally feel pretty darn crappy if I have a fever of any sort, and taking some motrin or tylenol makes me generally feel better. Why would I not want to help my kid feel better? And on the flip side, why is it any of my business whether or not you treat a fever, or your business if I do? I'm just curious?

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Liz Just a lot of people think fevers are, in and of themselves, dangerous. They aren't. Uncomfortable, yes. Which is why I treat at night. Just treating a fever can prolong an illness. The fever kills the bacteria or virus. If treated, it isn't allowed to do its job. Of course it is everyone's prerogative to do whatever they want. I never told anyone what to do. Just presenting info people may not know. I didn't until a couple of weeks ago. Even doctors offices are saying fevers don't necessarily need to be treated. And Tylenol can actually be deadly. I know someone who almost died from a related drug last year.

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Liz American Academy of Pediatrics and Mayo Clinic even say it isn't necessary.

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Carla Tylenol is only deadly if given in wrong doses or excessively (I have taken one small doses of it daily for 4 yrs so MORE than that obvs)

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Liz Some people have violent reactions to it. If they never have, they never will. This particular case, it was after a dental procedure and used the meds correctly. Very responsible people who rarely take meds of any kind. Then this one time he did, he was hospitalized for weeks and almost died. I'm not making up a story to make my case.

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Liz Kind of how flu shots are considered safe, but our mailman almost died from it.

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Carla Maybe specify the rarity of the case then....saying Tylenol can be deadly is kind of misleading. For me prednisone is deadly, but not for a vast majority of the population.

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Jennifer When my kids were younger(In the early/mid 90's) I heard a myth that applying a slice of an onion on the bottom of their foot sucked the fever/heat out-my kids were rarely sick but once I tried it and it actually worked....Tylenol made my kids throw up so this was a good alternative. For me. I'm not a dr and not telling anyone what to do.

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Liz Right. Me neither. Just sharing info I recently found out.

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So do you treat a fever or just let it ride?

Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-78793999961175531672015-12-04T01:35:00.000-06:002015-12-04T01:35:06.471-06:00My Husband is 43 and I am Freaking Out!

Today my husband turns 43. It should be like any other birthday. It should be about celebrating and having fun with the family. However it is not. It is only scary.

You see, my own father died when he was 43 and I was 9.
My husband is 43 now, and I do have a 9 year old.
My kids would be devastated if we lost him.
I can not even imagine what we would do.

I feel like from here on out I am just going to be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know it is possible. Probable, no. Possible, yes!

I don't want my kids to be scared their dad is going to die any day like mine did, so I try to act normal. This is no small feat. It is torture actually. Not being able to scream and cry and will him not to be 43 is difficult.

My mother lived nearly 30 years after my father died. I do not want to walk around on this earth for 30 years without my husband. I have been with him my entire adult life. The thought of it makes me nervous and tense. Again probable, no. But possible, yes.

I need to find a way to spin this another way. Maybe be grateful for every extra day I get with him that mom didn't get with dad. Maybe give him lots of love and thank God for keeping him here with me. I really do not know how I am going to not think about losing him constantly, but I need to find a way, because at the moment, I have a permanent lump in my throat choking out all my joy with worry.

I realize worrying does no good, that this fear is irrational, and that I can not live this way, but the panic will not leave me alone.

God willing, the fear will pass, I will get used to his age and live life to the fullest, together with him!

Do you have a gripping irrational fear of someone close to you dying young?Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-32166976240660903012015-11-30T07:31:00.000-06:002015-11-30T07:31:43.570-06:00Sunday Night Shenanigans

I don't know what it is about Sunday night. It seems like no matter how early I make dinner, no matter how well I plan, it is still waaaaaaaaaay past bedtime and the kids are still awake.
There are backpacks to pack. There is laundry to fold. There is homework. There are baths that need taking.

Somehow these things take all damn night. Dinner, homework, baths, laundry, backpacks. Repeat weekly. It never gets easier and never runs any smoother.

Then it is time for snack. Then teeth brushing. This should take 10 minutes, so we start a half hour before reading time. Are they done by then? No way! Whenever we get done, we read to the girls and the older kids read to themselves.....if they ever make it that far. Usually not. Just a lot of screwing around while I read to the girls or their dad does because I am in the shower or doing some other chore.

We finish reading to the girls, a half hour after bedtime, and the older kids are still screwing around. We tell them to go to sleep. Suddenly, everyone needs to fill up their water bottles. Because they could not do this while they were having their snack???? Oh, the ice cube trays are empty. Lets fill them. Oh look, I found something I want in the fridge, lets quick eat that. Now I am sticky, I need to wash my hands!

Everyone is back into bed. The oldest girl comes out to tell me something. Something important that could not wait. Something she could not tell me the last 2 or mare days we were all together at home. It's about a video game! WOW! IMPORTANT! I am so glad you came out here to tell me that!

Then the girls NEED me to come in their room.What? Put this bunny in my backpack. OK. The other girl yells from her room next. She is scared. The other one is cold. The other one has a tummy ache. On and On and On. Back and forth. It's a contest to see which of the two has a bigger problem. 1045-still awake. Nearly 2 hours after lights out.

And this is why I hate Sunday night worse than any other night!

How do your Sunday nights work out for you?Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-15251171797020745312015-11-27T09:12:00.000-06:002015-11-27T09:12:10.238-06:00Orphan at 38

The word orphan is defined as a child who's parents are dead. That would describe me. Although I am an adult, I will always be my parents child, and both of them are gone. I have received some arguments by some when I have called myself this, but still, it's the way I feel. That can not be changed.

It seems odd but the only family I have left from my growing up years is my sisters. I have no parents or grandparents. I don't see my sisters much but I am blessed to at least still have them and I think of them often and we talk or text on occasion. We can all be orphans together.

Three of my grandparents died when I was a child. My maternal grandmother died a few years ago.

My father died suddenly when I was 9 years old. I find this difficult to believe still to this day. Making it even harder is the fact that I have a 9 year old and I think it would devastate him to lose his father.

My mother remarried when I was 13 and I spent the next 4 years just trying to get through it. It felt so off and wrong to have someone else taking my father's place, so I willed myself to not care and just get through 4 years. I was never close to my step father. Although we now get along, I will never consider him my parent. I do however allow my kids to call him grandpa because he has been around since their birth.

I met my husband at age 17 and started to focus more on him and our life but I remained close to my mother.

We lost mom just as suddenly in May. It was shocking and I instantly felt abandoned, an orphan.

 She was a proud grandma to my 5 kids as well as all of my 4 sisters kids and one of her granddaughters kids. She adored all of the kids.

She had a gift for making me feel better whenever I was mad. I would call her, tell her all the shit, and she would loudly reply "oh, for the Christ sakes!" Nobody says that, but it was moms thing. She listened then after I was done dumping all my anger on her she made me laugh and I felt better, even though nothing was ever solved. I will never have that again.

My mom was this for me

She was also my biggest fan. She read everything I have ever written, bragged about my accomplishments, and was so proud of everything I ever did right in this life. In October I get a job for the first time in 13 years. I spent the day not feeling happy or proud and I could not figure out why. Then it dawned on me. I could not call my mom. I could not receive her praise and approval. She was not here to see me do such a hard thing. I was very sad about that. She was a lot like me in the way that she had very extreme emotional responses to the good and the bad in life. When she was mad she was very mad and when she was happy she was very happy. I knew her reaction would have been the best one and I missed out on that. I remember the day I told her I was having twins. She nearly started doing jumping jacks and I found out later she told everyone who would listen. She called often to see how it was going during the pregnancy and when they were born she again announced it to anyone who would listen. There isn't a person alive I am ever going to get that same validation from ever again.I can't accept that. I often find myself needing to tell her something before I remember that I can not. It kills me every time.

The day she died I had one hour to wrap my head around the fact that she was on her way to the hospital before I found out she didn't make it. I spent the day bawling my head off then went straight to anger. Those seven stages of grief: [shock or disbelief, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, depression, and acceptance/hope] are a load of crap to me. I experienced shock, skipped denial, bargaining, and guilt, and went straight to anger and I am still stuck there. I doubt I will ever go through depression over it and may never make it to acceptance. Everything that reminds me of her makes me mad. Seeing older people, not being able to call her, seeing pictures of her, having friends with parents, feeling my kids are being cheated, seeing my husbands parents, her house and her things. All of it makes me nothing but mad. I am mad she missed grandparents day and dance recital weeks before she died. MAD is all I am right now. Any reminder of her existence only makes me mad.

I am not sure how I am ever going to do life without mom, but I have been. It is just so much harder than if she was here. Will I ever get over the mad? Who's to say? For now, though, it is the only thing I can feel about it all.

Has anyone else out there lost both parents before the age of 40? Do you feel cheated? How do you cope?

Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-5227200647536192062015-11-23T14:25:00.000-06:002015-11-23T14:25:03.187-06:00After 13 Years as a SAHM I Reentered the Work Force

When my youngest children started Kindergarten last year I began searching for a job that would allow me to still be home when my kids are. I needed this because my husband is gone all week and many Saturdays. I want to be able to make meals for the kids, take them to their activities, and help them with homework. I soon found out that very few jobs like that exist. I didn't find a single job outside of the home that did not require evenings or weekends. Then I began searching for work at home opportunities. I did not want my own business, so that eliminated half of everything I found. The other half were eliminated because I did not meet the minimum education requirements. I had no interest in working at a school. I get very stressed out around a lot of children. Plus they are so germy. I don't even like my own kids germs.

Then, last December I found out about a home assembly job with a local factory from a friend of mine. It is 29 hrs per week. They were not currently hiring for those positions so I asked her to let me know when they were hiring again. Finally at the beginning of October she told me they were hiring. I applied and crossed my fingers. I received a call from them on October 23rd and was hired. I was very nervous to start this new venture after so many years off. I began work on October 26th.

It has been a hard adjustment for me but I feel it is the best fit for me. There are many advantages. It allows me to be here for my kids and work while they are asleep or at school. I choose the hours I will complete my work. I can make appointments for whenever I need to and make up the work at another time. It is pretty easy and self explanatory. I make extra family income. The kids see me working. I have a boost in my self esteem because I no longer feel like I am "just a mom" and that I am contribution to society. Also, working has put a lot of things in perspective for me. I don't spend much time focusing on petty inconsequential things and I find my "time off" more sacred and enjoyable. There are, however, disadvantages also. I don't find a lot of time to eat, sleep, or do activities I like to do on the days I work. I am having a hard time finding any time to write. I am tired and stressed out a lot of the time. Chores get put on the back burner until the work for my job is completed.

It seems like the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. I have gotten into a good routine in the four weeks I have worked and pretty soon I am sure I will be well adjusted to the demands of being both an employee and also a mother to five school aged kids. This is going to be good! I can feel it!

Tell me, did you enter the work force after many years at home with littles, do you stay at home currently, or have you always worked? How do you make it work?

Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-86649471222753990942015-10-23T01:05:00.000-05:002015-10-23T01:05:32.188-05:00Happy Maxed-Out Minivanniversary to me!

October 22nd my blog turned one! In a year I have written 96 posts, and my blog has been visited nearly 12,000 times and my Facebook page page has 436 likes. 461 people follow me on Twitter. I have been published by Mamalode twice and featured on a few link-ups, #20 on 1000 Voices Speak for Compassion, and #11 on A GAL NEEDS and also recognized for a funny tweet I wrote #7 on Birthday Party Parade. I even had a meme I created get over 20,000 views. A big deal for me. I realize many bloggers are much farther than I am after a year, but I need to start somewhere, and keep working and hopefully my blogging success will continue to grow. No matter what my success has or hasn't been I am very proud of my writing and my ability to stick with it. I hope for much more success in the coming year. Thank you everyone who has supported my blog and I hope you have gotten something out of it. Here is my most popular post for your reading pleasure.

Cheers to one year and to many more! Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-3342305889424982072015-10-19T07:15:00.002-05:002015-10-19T07:15:21.295-05:00It's Official, I'm the Mother of a Teen!

My first born child turned 13 yesterday. I don't know where the years went. I can remember bringing him home from the hospital. I can remember when he got potty trained. I can remember his first day of preschool, kindergarten, and middle school. Yet here I am with a 13 year old child! The time has passed so quickly and I fear the next 5 1/2 years until he will be graduating and moving away will go even that much quicker. It makes me sad. Proud yes, but mostly sad. I am not ready for this. I don't want to give him over to the world. I want to hold and protect him, but I fear those days are mostly gone. My job now is to prepare him for the big scary world out there.

Every other year from here on out I will be adding a teenager, then I will be saying goodbye to one or two of them every 1-3 years after that. The year my twins turn 13 is the year my oldest graduates. I will no longer be dealing with little kid issues, instead I will be dealing with big kid or adult issues.

6 years from now my life will look totally different. I wonder how I will function on a daily basis. I wonder what my responsibilities will be. Mostly, I wonder if the kids will be okay and if I will be able to deal with all the issues that arise when dealing with teenagers. I really hope that I am up for the challenge. Times, they are a-changing! We can all face this challenge together and hopefully come out triumphant on the other side.

How did you deal with the transition when your kid went from kid to teen?

Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-19004084620781286602015-10-16T10:58:00.000-05:002015-10-16T10:58:42.704-05:00My Husband is in Love With the Maid!

I have recently discovered that my husband is in love with the maid. It took some figuring out, but when I did, I could totally see why. I was not a bit bothered, actually, because she is amazing! Here is how it happened.

A few days ago I was standing in the kitchen with my husband and I asked him if he could do me a favor. He replied "I will do anything you want." I said "I just want you to hand me the greek seasoning, but since you offered I would like a new van, a maid, a chef, a personal shopper, a tutor to help with the kids homework, and a chauffeur to take the kids where they need to go." He said "Okay, I better just work 24/7 then." I told him I was kidding and that I was just making a point that he COULDN'T possibly do anything I want.

After he went into the living room he said. "That must be hard not to have those things. I have a maid, chef, personal shopper, and chauffeur and tutor for the kids-you."

WOW, I am all those things! I never thought of it like that before.

It then occurred to me how amazing that would be. When we both worked and had no kids we cleaned shopped and cooked equally. Then when I began staying home, those things became my responsibility. I also had all the childcare tasks to deal with. I never really minded, it was my "job" after all, but it sometimes becomes too much to take.

I never got to experience what it would be like to go to work and come home, and not have to worry about anything else at all. A hot meal is ready to enjoy every night. Food is always stocked if you get hungry. Daily chores are always completed. Laundry is always clean (if not folded). You never have to worry about running out of shampoo, toilet paper or soap. The water softener always has salt. The cats always have food and litter. The kids are fed, clothed, bathed and homework completed. They have been to activities. It all happens as if by magic. Poof!

Of course my husband funds it all, I just think I can't imagine the roles being reversed. Who but a mom could keep on top of it all. Day in and day out. Everything gets done.

That is when I realized my worth. Many times I feel like I am not worth anything, except I am. I am indispensable really. It is almost as if they all get to be on vacation every day (except for the little nuisance of work and school) and come on over to Hotel Mom every night. No wonder they all love me so damn much. It is because I am soooooooo amazing, as are all the other moms out there!

My husband is in love with the maid (me), and I don't blame him one little bit!Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6582627148437212792.post-71703842590405466192015-10-12T08:00:00.000-05:002015-10-12T08:00:11.056-05:00Is Five Kids a Lot of Kids?

I think it is all relative. If you look at the average number of children per family over the last 100 years, it has stayed around two. Nearly 3 (2.63) in the 1960's and almost down to one in current times (1.13). Going by this figure, the answer is a definite yes, five kids is a lot of kids.

Then if you look at how many siblings each parent has, the answer looks quite different. I had 5 siblings growing up. My husband had 4 siblings. So when we planned for four kids, that seemed a little small to me. I ended up with five because twins. Going by family history, the answer is no way. Five kids is not a lot of kids.

Most people that grew up with many siblings still go on to have just 1-3, but they don't seem to think 4 -6 kids is too many because they grew up that way.

Most people that grew up with one or no siblings look at these families and think we are cray-cray a little bit. Maybe we are.

The point is yes, by societies standards, I suppose we do have a lot of kids, but not so many that it seems ridiculous.

By my own standards, I feel like we have just a normal sized family, because we are used to it.

There are advantages and disadvantages though.

Advantages:

Built in friends

Minimal boredom

Hand-me-downs a plenty

Parental experience

Someone always available to help a sibling

Learning responsibility at a young age

Many helpers

Never a dull moment

Enough people for any game

Lots and lots of love

Disadvantages:

Food bill is ridiculous

Noise

Messes

Never enough time

Homework x 5

Lots of running around

Overlapping schedules

Need to drive a minivan

Never enough money

School shopping adds debt

There are many more advantages and disadvantages, but the main point is that I do not ever feel put upon by my number of children and I never feel like it is a lot until someone says I have a lot. To me they are just five little blessings!

It's all relative people. Tell me, how many kids do you define as "a lot of kids"?
Heather Holterhttps://plus.google.com/102304843312610764193noreply@blogger.com0

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