Mr. Masters came to see Stuart as someone pulled between chaos and a search for control , between self-loathing and a hatred of the System -LRB- school , prison , the courts -RRB- that was always trying to impose order on his life , between a longing for an ordinary life -- he dreamed , he always said , of buying a house in Swansea , Wales -- and a longing for the overdose that might deliver oblivion and a release from his demons and his past .