For people who laugh
r THV<: Hr -;v/ YORK 239636 AbtL'R. -l-OX AND Ttt-DEN »-eU NIDATIONS- 1904 Many weeks before the meeting of the Democratic National Convention the matter on the page opposite was given to the press. By not placing its matter in and acquir- ing a platform of significance, the convention (if it ever had it), lost its opportunity to name the author for President. That unstable convention, however, by its weakness, was led to that which will fix it a place in all historv: led to the announcement below, from Trahich the discerning may begin to gather the meaning or man's being put on the earth. Thus did the convention, whconsciously, cause that to be spoken which is of worth to the whole earth more than the making of many Presidents, and is contained in the author's position, as to what coin he stands for, which, though slow to give it out, he gave to the press, in the fol- lowing form, in the early days of September, 1904: HUMOROUS WORK AND GREAT PRESIDENT MAKER "FOR PEOPLE WHO LAUGH" The Outcome op Wobk Done in Connection with Which Was the Selection of the St. Louis Nominee tor President. In order that there, too, commercial liberty may be ex- tended, the next edition may be issued in England. However, never has the book press of that land placed manly and courageous thought so far below dollars as have concerns to foster "best sellers" in this. For those who do not always think what the learned schools have told them to, in it will be: (1) A sketch setting forth the comedy of the fact that the first "fruits" of the Baconian system of thinking were gifts taken for decisions, antecedents of like "fruits" from Baconian philosophy to the world since. (2) A sketch hav- ing for subject-matter the fact that, in the United States, are commercial despotisms. One, — a book publishing despotism, —has its roots far down into American soil. Notwithstanding the fact that no book store compelling best selling eye was on them purchasers, (overcoming also natural inertia against trouble taking), have gone to post-offices and sent money orders from thither and yon for this book. Its career nothing less strong, than what is back of it, can stop: backed, it is, by the original ideas that come to those who through long years, undaunted, when majorities, that are in the wrong, are watching the battle in their behalf with indifference, come forward with no help, grown at last as indifferent to the lack of it, and taught no longer to need such help, push steadily ever on in the right conduct that is the one route to the great daylight; those original ideas that, not to rust nor corrupt, are by this work demonstrated to be coin more powerful than that of other standards. It being human nature to love those of our fellows, for whom, or the things for which we have gone to trouble, it is hoped that those who have taken trouble to procure and send money orders for this book will, for that reason, — if for no other,— acquire love for it. To agents, on first order, one izen copies, cloth bound, gold title, will be shipped, charges paid, for $7.00. Single copies, $1.00. Paper covered, 50c. id P. O. or express order to Adair Welcker, 214 Pine •eet, San Francisco, Cal. ADAIR WELCKER, 214 Pine Street, San Francisco, Cal. ANNOUNCEMENT I have been spoken of, and as in like cases others have done, have assumed that there is a wide-spread desire that I should be President of the United States. But, against this, there are reasons. ' First. — As I am a Democrat, many persons, in words purporting to be the Democratic party, could not say, until they would first unequivocally declare it to be their purpose to uphold the funda- mental Democratic principle of equal rights to all in this country to labor, and special privilege upon the part of no others to interfere with, or molest them in that right, that I represented them. In the next place, the President now in office is standing con- scientiously for that principle of equality and democracy, and when any man does his duty out of his conscience, no other man, whatever he might be called, could in that connection render better service. Third. — Becoming President, I would have to expend that time in work of the office which in my character of private citizen can be put to what, it seems to me, will prove to be labor of a more lasting nature than would be labor done as such. It is not the place that enables a man to serve: not the thing, but the thought. The money of a Midas could add no more power to the fact that the book called " For People Who Laugh " contains what will cause those sensational journals, — (for it refers to them) — that oppose, and by their labors would, if they could, destroy a fundamental American principle, and one that is true; contains what will cause journals that, contrary to democracy, uphold, when they so act, in their acts, and give countenance ' and encouragement to a class that, conferring upon its members a special privilege to obtain a living, yet does not prevent their efforts to interfere with the birthright of others so to do: a principle, notwithstanding, above which the flag of the country yet continues to float, — contains what will, while yet in parts of America, literature is still honored, and principles the country was founded to keep from passing, are still not forgotten ; what will cause the cause of such journals, and what they might to some seem by their efforts to perhaps be able to take away from us, not to go out of, and from the general public memory. And yet another strong reason is this: To be the instrument through which another comes to be a high official and president of a country is perhaps a matter of greater entertainment than it is to be THE REASON FOR PART OP THAT MAGIC,— SOME OP WHICH IS NOT YET SUSPECTED, — THAT HAS BEEN HIDDEN AWAY BETWEEN THE COVERS OF THE BOOK. Between the title page and the next one of this hook have been successively placed in the copies after copies that have been expressed and posted forth at the ordained times and seasons, different sets of "insert" pages. To different people the book was a different book and to each other they have asserted different things about it. Besides mental query and guessing, this has caused about it, also wonder, astonishment, assertion, denial, exasperation, indignation, perspiration and, — from a limited number perhaps, — vituperation. It can therefore be understood why the particularly intelligent review of the book in the New York Evening Telegram was headed "For People Who Laugh/' — Perhaps. People can also better understand now why, less in jest than in earnest, this book is, — and to a large extent in future years will be: — "A great President Maker." Now another matter. Although the number of the books to go into every nook and cranny as far as possible of this earth, will not diminish, nevertheless, as the mistaken impression, which the author himself has had, may influence others, he now says this : He, — when, after investing in publishing books during twenty-six years what money in other ways he could make, and getting back, as his income to live on, less than one twentieth of the amount so invested, there at last came to him in connection with a book, — this one, — money orders, in such numbers that to him it resembled a downpour, — published the statement that has been given out and placed in copies of the book, in relation thereto. But, after a brief time the money orders ceased altogether to come. He speaks now of this for the knowledge of those out to whom the other statement has been conveyed. Otherwise, to their sorrow they may for life enter upon a career in which they will find themselves "common people," whose votes will be not greatly cared for by the sort of papers that do not know a laborer who can, unmurmuring, at the post at which he has been placed, do such work, when they see one ; become a laborer whose hours will be longer than eight; a laborer who for twenty-eight years can labor for art and in return be fed with contempt (as they deem it), from those who, as harpies, — unaware that they have done so, — have sat themselves down in the holy place of art ; become members of a class constituting, — because they will not first "edit" that which they will utter, — the most poorly paid, in silver and gold and place, of all day laborers that ever are on this earth. For myself, it having become a well established part of my nature to do so, I shall, whether returns of another kind come again or not. satisfied with hate, which honestly acknowledges some return due for benefits had, but not with indifference, whose dis- honesty lies in being neither cold nor hot, continue, while remains breath still in my body,, to work on for those large returns of which majorities must ever of necessity remain unaware. ADAIR WELCKER. DEDICATED TO ONE OF THOSE WHOM, THE MORE WE STUDY THEIR LOVE AND UNENDING LOYALTY, THE MORE ACCURATE MUST BECOME THE IDEA AND VIEW FORMED OF THE BENEFICENT CHARACTER OF THE LOYAL CREATOR OF ALL OF US, A MOTHER, AND IN THIS INSTANCE, MINE. PREFACE. DO not faint, oh reader, when you come to be told that this is a work with a mission. For the great Anglo-Saxon race itself has never disdained to have one. And so this work has. The mission of the race of the Angles and the Saxons has been fre- quently to reform some other race. And the race thus reformed, too, has had its mission. Its mission, as the observant reader may have perceived, has been to pay the combine of the Angles and Saxons for having done the work. Like the Saxon, when thus engaged, the author of this book will be delicate in saying what is your mis- sion, — for you have one — in connection with the work which he places before you — a mission which you certainly will carry out, either in connection with this book, or some other that, instead of it, you will make up your mind to purchase. Still, as the person or nation which is in the process of being reformed, by that other nation or person, somewhere, or somehow deemed to be holier than he or it cannot be dispossessed of the idea that the holier reformer must, of necessity, harbor ill-will towards the one made less holy by having strayed so far from being the good thing that the reformer would fain see him or it become, it is the desire of the author of this work to here place himself on record as being without ill-will towards any one who may happen to become reformed through whatever may be conceived to be the mission of his writing. And, that ill-will is not anywhere in the writing, he be- lieves will be apparent from two reasons, and he leaves it to the reader to determine which of the two is strongest. 6 For People Who Laugh The first is that, in the city in which the book is published, he has for seventeen years been a practicing lawyer. But for what there, early in that career hap- pened to him, lie might not have remained such, but would instead have been engaged in literary work. Believing that any man had a right to work for an- other who called upon him to labor for him, and, whether, by the labor expended, benefit was rendered, or not, charge for the labor that he had been called upon to per- form; believing that he had an equal right to labor for others, and, unless successful service was given, not charge for the work done ; believing that there was no wrong in stating to one, or more people, verbally that he would work for them upon either one or the other of these conditions, and that, to pay a newspaper to say in print either of them for him, to more people than he could say either of these things to f by word of mouth, was no more harmful, he paid for, and had printed in newspapers, the statement that he would attend to law business, and unless successful not charge for his labor. Thereby he caused to be brought into operation for a time, openly sometimes, and some- times not, against him the malignant animosity of those who look upon it as an outrage and unprofessional to do otherwise than charge, and make the person who comes to you in distress for help, pay, whether you succeed in rendering it to him or not. This animosity caused the author to remain in the profession of the law, and write pleadings, "briefs" (in sarcasm so called, for the reason that generally they are anything but short) ; statements on motion for, and appeals from decisions granting "new trials" (which they certainly are to the poor litigant, who has to pay the bill for printing hundreds or thousands of pages composing them, the Courts refusing further to con- For People Who Laugh 7 sider the cause if they be not put into print) ; contracts and papers on appeal ; whereas, but for the work so done against him, he might, during the seventeen years past, have been engaged, instead, in writing and producing works of lit- erature. In consequence of himself having thus felt the effect of ill-will he has no inclination to make any other man feel it. But nevertheless, out of the whole matter came gain, and that gain was this: Those who, before that, had ap- peared to be friends, now deeming the author one who would not be able to stand up against opposition which some of them remarked that any man, himself not pos- sessed of wealth, could not afford to try to stand against, were thereupon seen, for a time, to turn away from him, to utter themselves for what to them seemed to be the strongest side in the matter, while those who, themselves having truth in them, were for what was true, coming out as friends, were caused to stand in more open and bold relief. Perhaps they may have had the advantage since of seeing that the author of this work had been of service, not only to that profession of which he is a mem- ber, and to his country, but to think that, in time, his service rendered to both may possibly be called forth to a degree sufficient to cause even those, who for some years helped to make his pathway in life one more or less diffi- cult, to believe that even during the years thereupon imme- diately following, his labors were not altogether wasted. And yet a second reason for ill-will not to be ex- hibited towards anyone in his work — even if the author felt it — is because (since some of his writings, which, dur- ing a number of years, appeared in the "funny" columns of American journals, were not there treated as seriously as perhaps they deserved, the reforming and missionary 8 For People Who Laugh quality of this work, if made known, might not either be treated as seriously as it should. And now to another matter: Because, by men it is commonly supposed that they can and do more seriously appreciate and, generally speaking, better comprehend humor than does the other sex, these sketches, a number of which (the reader will please excuse the author for speak- ing of matters that seem favorable to him because he might, indeed, call himself the United States Publishing Company, or the Domestic Publishing Company, or in some other manner, from hiding, seem to speak more modestly), ' appearing in another form — as have others of this author's works — have been most kindly received in Great Britain as — why hesitate to say it? — have all of his writings been, except in Cr'i- fornia, in every one of the American States, '\ ■ have among them, but placed in the earlier part of the book, those that are less serious in their character; those thought, not by the "knocking" — in so far as matters of literature and art are concerned — city of San Francisco, and the northern part of the State, but by English critics, to be delightfully quaint and original. And in the latter part of the book are placed those more in accord with her tastes which woman, who, active being that she is, always rushes and "skips" to the end, will, upon doing so, find there ready for her perusal. Sketches in this book, with others not contained in it, under a different title, upon being brought out by the London house that first placed before the public sketches by the British humorist Jerome K. Jerome, aroused, in the British press, in so far as could be seen from the press observations sent to the author, criticism of a charac- ter altogether friendly. One point, of which most seemed For People Who Laugh 9 to be made, was quaintness in the character of the humor. And a point, particularly taking the author's attention, was that made by the Bookseller of London. It was that, while possessing fun of the delightful character that had helped to make the Western slope of America known to the world, the humor in this instance, was not expressed in the horribly massacred form of English in which, in other works, it had been. Now, is there not here a valuable hint? Would it not be well for our writers hereafter to give their readers English instead of the "dialect" of the Yankee, or the language of the County of Pike? "Dutch" dialect and Iri — no, Irish and Dutch are too good to lose; but Pike, through an effort, cannot we hereafter wholly forego? And next there is another matter: A treatise, and a serious one, is here to find place where woman, if she will but only turn the book upside down, and as it is her cus- tom to do, open it at what will then be its end, will not, it is believed, be altogether displeased to find it. For it shows how she, who brings everything else that is best into the world, has brought that too, of which man has so long tried to deny her the possession. She brought into the world humor and its first laugh. For, on her arrival, seeing man as he then appeared, an idea of the comic had to be born in her, and with the birth of that, looking at man, the first thing that on earth she did was to give ex- pression to the earth's first smile. But, as what follows is to replace a defect found in all works of rhetoric (which are serious works), that he has come across, and that defect is their lack of an accurate account of the cause and growth of laughter, this work must now proceed to set it out in more detail. It is believed that humor is founded on the fact that 10 For People Who Laugh man in his pre-Adamic state, solemn as were all of the other animals that had never learned to smile, was of them all most solemn. And for ages he had walked over the earth in this state of gloom most terrible, looking upon the other animals that, like himself, did not smile, with a glance that seemed only suspicion. The snarl that comes to the eater was on the face of the wolf; was on the face of the world; that snarl was on his own. All else had come to the world but laughter, but laughter not yet. Earth was all alone, and had never yet had on it a smile; had not yet been kissed by heaven. Utterly tired, man, who himself snarled at the wolf that snarled at him; man, as yet but a pessimist; man, the lonely and bitter when worn out with this condition, had pity taken upon him. He was caused to fall asleep. And, as he slept, he dreamed of there being sent down from heaven, in the shapes that he had never before seen; in shapes of three beautiful women, somewhat; and, in his sleep, he asked what they might be. To him they made answer that their names were Faith, Laughter and Love. Then they said : "When you are awake you will see that we are with you, never more to leave you. ,, Now, the animal snarl, which is a symbolism, had grown upon the faces of animals and man through their one way of using, until that time, the mouth, which is by closing it down over food in the process of destruction. And men and animals had always looked down, but never yet had they looked upward in wonder, nor yet had their lips been moved apart in x smile. The symbol in the whole world was the sneer ; the destructive sign ; not yet was there in the world the rainbow sign of wonder; the smile; not yet the ex- pression that comes when the smile causes old things to pass, and new points of view to be had ; not yet was there For People Who Laugh 11 in the world the sign creative. Not yet had woman, with her brought into the world laughter, and put upon the dark countenance of many the sign of the coming of light. Such had been the animals and man, until he slept, and dreamed, and after his dream awakened. And awakening, instead of seeing, as in his dream, the figures of three beautiful women before him, he seemed, in Eve, to see but one only. This was enough, losing two, to make him look as solemn as he did, and as solemn as, until then, he for many ages had done. And besides this, there was another reason for his being solemn; and that was that, what before him he saw, was that which is laughter's cause; a new thing to the vision; that which, seeing, things are made new. Always, over the same things, the mouth closes; only, before new things, with wonder, it opens. Always before, Adam had seen the same and the old things. Now, for the first time, seeing that which was new with wonder, his mouth opened. But the process of opening the mouth being new to him, his manner of doing it was not as Eve would have had it; and therefore at him — for the first time — she then did what she lovingly has done at man ever since — she laughed. Thus was she the first on the earth to laugh. And Adam then did, from contagion, what he has ever since done; he, too, followed her, and in the matter was, as he has always ever since been in the race — second best. And, after her laughter, as is her custom, she gave him com- fort, for she said: "I am all three that you saw; not one only as you think ; we are one." Hoping that works of rhetoric may now supply that wherein they have heretofore seemed deficient, and that whenever hereafter any scholar is writing a great tome on the subject, his better half will see to it that he fails not 12 For People Who Laugh to make note of the fact here finally established that, upon this planet woman was the first being to laugh, the reader will be given an opportunity to pass on to the more serious chapters of the book. *i FOR THOSE WHO LAUGH. A Love Idyl, Which Was No Easy Job; or, — How He Won Her. WE were in a hay field, and as he talked he leaned against a decayed rail fence. I heard his mo- notonous voice, but I did not closely listen at first. So he might have been a lark singing in a distant field, and I would have understood him as well, until my attention was attracted when he smacked his lips with intellectual gratification and self satisfaction and suddenly observed: "Yes, I always knowed it." From that time on I did not permit myself to lose one word. "He had a tarnal lot of grit, as a lover, had Joe Corker," said he. "And wasn't the man never to give in. He kep* a courtin' of her from the time she was a leetle baby gal at school till she was a old maid of forty-two and never lost hope. It was his way because of his grit. When he started in to do anything he generally done it, simply for no other reason than he was just the durndest feller. So when he went to love makin' he was more desprit than a tiger had ought to dared to thought of bein\ He never give him- self an easy job either, for it weren't his way, for the gal he picked out growed up to be one o' them tough old birds whats the more obstinate the more older they are and bleeves in marriage to be a failure. She were a gal with freckles same size as ten cent dimes is, all over her. Well, when a man undertakes a job of that kind, even 14 For People Who Laugh without the grit of Joe as a lover, he keeps at it out of aggravation — you would yourself. Your vanity does it, for you say to yourself 'If you cant capture a mere bundle of freckles, what can you do nohow?' In the meantime as she grows older and gets obstinater and uglier you, of course, loses your temper and she loses hers, and neither of you never git it back again. So it was with Joe, but having the grit, as a lover, of which IVe spoke, mere loss of temper was nothing to him. Well, he kep' on and kep' on and then he kep' on. "One day she told him she'd come to the conclusion marriage were not a failure, which give him great joy. Then he got a set back when he learned that another two-button cutaway chucklehead had commenced a spark- in* of her under the delusion she was of one of them old anteek families, which was the cause of it. It was about that time Joe went west, taking a letter writer with him, so he could send back a courtin' letter took out of the book from every station they stopped at. "Well, after workin' at different things, always bein' as confident that he'd win as a frog is about its powers to chirp, if it took him a hundred years he'd get thar, he located in a cabin on a swampy tule farm up in San Jo- queen county, up on four legs above the highest reach of the water. The tide was two feet deep over his land twice a day, so he built roosts all around his place for his chickens to roost on at high tide, for he raised chickens and honey for the city markets, and he rowed around in a boat to the nests to get the eggs. In the meantime while doing so, he was always composin' love letters for to write, for he was poetical and done things by inspirations, and the inspiration always come when he was collectin* the eggs, especially if the hens had laid well. For^People Who Laugh 15 "All around he seen bitterns flying all pertfcklerly fat with nothing apparently to eat. It was a caution how fat they seemed to grow and have oily greasy countenances all on nothing, and he couldn't make it out till he seen one flying one day close by, with a neck a yard and half long, with a head for all the world like the head of a sarpent, Then he watched more of them with heads like cork- screws, and they seemed also to have amazing long necks and sarpents heads as they flew about in all directions. At last he see how they et snakes, and that, as it took about half an hour to swallow them, they kep' flyin' round an' round while doing it, so's the motion would aid digestion. One day an idea struck Joe. He seen besides bein' so amazin' fat they were about the size of young chickens. So he killed one one day and chopped its legs and head off and plucked the feathers and saw, for his purposes, it were a chicken. So, bein' so, he sent them to the city to market, as chickens, with their heads off, and blue an' yaller scal- loped tissue paper where their legs was cut off, where they gave to him a great name because of their fatness, and the delicate taste of frog's legs which sarpents give the meat. In consequence he growed rich. "In the meantime, while watching the bitterns and sar- pents (all unconscious they was doin' it so he'd grow rich), and while plucking the feathers off, he was always busy meditatin' an' a composin' love letters, and he was always beggin' her to come out and get married. But his ideas however he put them, never fetched her nohow. "At last one day, of a Sunday, he see he must have a change of ideas, so's he'd seem sorter different, same as a man seems different in a different suit of clothes for to fetch Miss Selverton, the lady, and was wondering what would change them. He rowed in his boat to a neighbor- 16 For People Who Laugh ing town, and on the way (though he'd never drank noth- in' before ceptin' only water), he determined he'd try gin. He'd hearn of a man once made a fortune by an idea he got by drinkin' gin, so he got two big black bottles, and rowed home with them, determined to try it, for Joe was grit and so he done it. "He opened one bottle and while he was drinkin' it an idea come to him and he said to himself — for, havin' no neighbors he choose to talk to himself — TU open the other in honor of her arrival when she gets here/ The idea, which was special brilliant, had come to him of its own accord, so he thought it was a sign of good luck, and put the unopened bottle aside. He then finished the other, and while so doing he composed and writ a letter to Miss Selverton what fetched her, and with all her baggage. He'd dropped the letter book style and just spoke plain. If I don't disremember he said: Tve got the snakes, and I'm the first man that ever found them paying property, and growed rich by it.' You see he jist sorter wrote plain that a way. Then he went on and said : Tve got a regular snake trust and the people never mistrust it, and its the kind of trust what, so far from causing me fer to bust, would just make you bust with laughter, if you'd saw the peculiar way how I've growed rich. I had to give other people snakes before they'd come down with their cash. If you will come out my dear we will both of us have the snakes together.' He spoke all through just plain, that a way. Then he inclosed a check for a thousand dollars for her to come with. "Now you'd say she'd never come after that. Well that's just where you're off. Bein' a woman what thought marriage was a failure, of course she was as full of no- tions as a river is full of drink, so she seen she had a mis- For People Who Laugh 17 sion, and that mission was to save him from the (which they were not) imaginary snakes. It's the delight of that kind of woman's heart to get a husband who occasionally has the snakes, so she can hold him up to himself as a shining example of evil, and point him out to himself as a burning illustration of horrible intemperance. "She wrote to him when she started and on the day she was to arrive he unloaded the other bottle of gin down into himself. It was one of the luckiest things he ever took a notion to do and done. When she arrived she had the pleasure of seeing that her theory was correct, and when a woman has a chance to see that, she's as happy as a game cock is when you put on his spurs for to fight, and with unbounded pleasure she give to him a withering look that she thought would make him shrivel up like a green leaf in a red hot fire, and then after first making inquiries with intense politeness after the snakes, she hurriedly fetched him off to the church and there she married him. But later on after that when she come to see what snakes he'd meant and hear on all hands how he was nothin' more than a mere total abstainer, I've heard the report that she slowly faded away with disappointment afterwards and died of grief." HAVING found food for thought in the discourse last reported, I the next day found myself in the same field where, with one leg wrapped in front of the other, the speaker stood in the same spot as if he had not moved since I had last heard him. "Yes," he remarked, as if in response to a question which, however, I had not asked : "Yes, I found this here account of the way the Signing of the Declaration of Independence 18 For People Who Laugh came about, in an old hair-covered trunk, what was owned by my grandmother. It's in a yellow old letter, most obliterated by time, wrote by William Smith Thomas. Now this William Smith Thomas was married to Miss Margaretta Baily, the daughter of a distinguished family. "Her father was old 'Doe-faced* Baily, who ran for the public office of Pound-keeper in '43, being elected by a large majority. He administered the affairs of this office with high credit. He was afterward well and widely known as Sexton of the Methodist Church of that district down thar, and it would seem that on the paternal side his ancestors was all of them Bailys. " 'Now, the crest of his family,' says William Smith Thomas, 'was, if I remember rightly, something looking sorter like a washtub on an upturned hod and three bricks fer to stand on. "The mother of Miss Margaretta Baily was descended from old Billy Dowler (Dowler — thar was some error in spelling, I think), who signed the Declaration of In- dependence, and this is the way in the letter the signing is described as it took place. " 'We/ says Mr. Fowler [Fowler — Did a Fowler sign the Declaration of Independence? I guess some error again], meaning the signers of the Declaration, 'we went into Jimmy Mulligan's and had a cocktail, after which we went over to the State House to sign. But some of us was skeered, so we went back to Jimmy's, all arm-in-arm, and we had a nuther smile. Then, arm-in-arm, again we went back fer the State House. But, being some of us skeered fer to sign her, we went back to Jimmy's fer to git up more courage. Then we went back to the State House to sign the Declaration; but some of us was skeered, so We went back to Jimmy's, and, mixing drinks, marched For People Who Laugh 19 again boldly, arm-in-arm, back to the State House, whar we signed it.' " ANOTHER day had passed. It was evening. Again I was in the field. So was my informant, and in the same attitude of the day gone by. And, suddenly, again I began to hear him speak. He then said : "He was the bashfullest man what ever undertook to walk on two feet and ten toes. In the way of bashfulness, he was more than a caution. If bashfulness had been dollars, them days, he'd have had no use for gold 'slugs.' Hangtown was blooming then. At that time gold dust filled the place. There was so much of it you could even see it substituted for ordinary motes and floating in the sunbeams when, once in a while or so, the miners swept out their cabins. In consequence we had all sorts of strange characters here; for, strange as it may seem, odd characters seem as fond of getting rich as you and me, and them what ain't odd. There was lawyers here then what practiced medicine, for there was no courts; and doctors what practiced law pleading their own cases before Vigilance Committees. Among other things I remembered a chap with a sour, yellow, screwed-up face; ears like a young jack rabbit; a thin neck and no hair on his head, except around the neck where it kept his collar from chafing; and green, suspicious eyes. Well, that chap was never satisfied. He worked for years with a 'rocker* and made nothing and, naturally enough, he was not satisfied. One day though, he struck onto the richest lead there was. Some of the boys went down and asked him if he was satisfied now, but he wasn't. 20 For People Who Laugh "The Vigilance Committee soon after that put a rope around his neck and we took hold and were about to string him up en a charge of murder, when finding to our sur- prise, how he was innocent we let him down again. Again the boys visited him and congratulated him and told him we supposed that he was satisfied, but he wasn't. Such things was happening to him every day, but nothing satisfied him ; and I've learned since that when he first seen the Pacific ocean, after screwing up his face and looking hard at it he went off weeping. He said it looked so much smaller than ever he'd expected it. "Well, he wasn't the queerest by no means. I might go on describing queer ones but I guess I'll go ahead about the bashful man. If you was sitting with company in the parlor you'd have no trouble to know when this bashful man was coming. The atmosphere grew colder; dew appeared on people's faces same as it does on marble top tables, and the people from that time on was as cheerful as a congregation of ghosts in church at midnight. Soon after this you heard Perkins, the bashful man, stumbling over chairs in the hallway, after which he came stammer- ing into the room and give each person present the flabby end of his clammy fin. "After he'd got settled down onto a chair with a silly look on his face, you might a used him to froze ice cream for the crowd, and the lamps burned down dim. The others then shuffled their feet and acted as a medium circle sitting on needles and pins on his account, waiting to hear from such of their friends as had chosen their harps. "Now you'd say it was unnatural and unprobable that such a man as Perkins could fall in love. Still, notwith- standing he done so. Then did we see what pathos was. You've seen a young calf dying in a winter storm, and For People Who Laugh 21 you know that is pathos. But still all that was noth- ing to Perkins. You've read about the death of poor Quilp in Uncle Tom's Cabin. Nor was that nothing to Perkins. Even a funeral with four hundred carriages was high glee compared to him. His was an awful case of love; so intense it made him more feeble minded than lovers usually is. "And it was all on account of a little whippoorwill of a school teacher with a rosy red head and a pert look. We seen it and she saw he loved her, for women is very foxy in all things connected with courtin' ; and he kept circlin' round and round the school house as if he had lost himself in a fog. Always at a distance though, for if he seen anyone comin' he shot off like a frightened hare into the chapparal. "A course the time come when he ceased to eat. It always do. But finally, when he got parading around his cabin by moonlight, writin' love giblets to the moon, with a blanket over his shoulders like a poet, sensible men seen something had to be done or there'd be a climax. So we met and appointed a committee; and the committee ap- pointed one to make love to Miss Jerrold for Perkins by deputy. That was me, and I done it. "As many blushes came to her face as leaves on a rose bud; but at last she consented to marry him just out of pity. The committee then called on him and told him he'd been sentenced. He said he didn't mind it and was even glad of it, as he wanted to die. We told him not sentenced to die but to get married. He next wished to know whom. When we explained to him that Miss Jerrold consented to marry him his eyes trembled with fond delight. "Well, we arranged everything. We had a procession 22 For People Who Laugh as grand as if it was a funeral instead of a marriage. One of the miners who had once been a Judge performed the ceremony. I gave Perkins away, being chief groom; and then we had a banquet at which, as usual, we mingled wine and wit and eloquence in great shape. Everything went in those times, and even bashful men could some- how get married." For People Who Laugh 23 Mysterious Disappearance of a King. Or Strayed, Lost or Stolen. PERHAPS the reader will remember the tremendous excitement in the oyster, paste diamond, canned crab, and codfish circles of this country in 1854-5, caused by the sudden, mysterious and unaccountable dis- appearance of a despotic European monarch from his kingdom. 