The Owl club; a comedy drama in three acts, satirizing secret societies
fo6 PS 3503 . U6085 "^ yf. yf. yf.^' 09 ■sL- -■X^ *sj,* *J^ 'sL< -sLy '•vL- "sl^ '^i^ ^ "si^ 'si'^, '^?._ ■ l^pT .^T^ "-'fv Jv^^ .^-Ts. *-|s. ^s. J'Tv *^ ' i^N. »^' iTfv; tCbe ®wl Club* a Comc^lp Drama Hn Ilbrce Hcts. :B3^ Cbas. lb. 36urc;cjra(. f\i/» »\±y» *sL* "nL^ •sl^ '\i^ "vX^ 'sjx' ^^ *vL^ 'vL^ "sj/^ 'vj^ 'sX'* 'sL^ SMILEY, THE PRINTER. ALBANY, OR. THE .. OVA/L .. CLUB A Comedy Drama IN THREE ACTS, SMMll SECRET SOCIETIES ... By CHAS. H. BURQQRAF. rerms:==-Six Copies and the Right to Give a Performance, $5.00 Extra Copies, 50 Cents. Copyright IQOO By Chas. H. Burggraf. \ - 48G99 Offtceoffiie r>3 AC., 'SEP1719C0 .^v'^^O^ a, i^i ^ Cast of Characters. • ^qj OA/w^ Cs fTvTi^cA^ c6tvtAi'^»-j OCT 10 lyuu Isaac Monasses, Editor of the "Martyr" and author of the opera "Bab}- Elephant" — (Eccentric, should be small man). Old "Soger," War and Political Editor, a relic of many wars — (Eccen- tric, supposed to have a wooden leg). Erastus Dangerfield — "Rats" for short — Office Boy and Assistant Editor i fond of hash. Timothy Hay, Custodian of Correspondence of Owl Club, a relic of '73 — (Jay or farmer, very deaf, use tin horn for ear trumpet). Milson, a Millionaire — (genteel). Cash, a Collector — (a careworn character). Nightingale, artist — (dressed very "flashy"). Susie, Dramatic Critic and Society Editor — (Soubrette). Colonel Snort, Politician — (fire-eater). Mrs. Gruffy, a Subscriber — (fire-eater). NOTE. — Milson can double to Illustrious Hooter and Snort can take All-Wise Pontiff or Heroic Herculess. Received of the sum of FIVE DOLLARS for Six Copies of ihe OWL I CLUB and ihe prinlege of (jiviug ft. performance oj //?<-" same Siijned Daie 190 I stage Plot, Act I. (lor>r type case Sojer Rats Table Mon. Susie Table FRONT OF STAGK. THE .. OW/L .. CLUB ACT I, SCENE I.— Newspaper office of the "Martyr." Rats — (sweeping, picks up book and reads, "Gilbert and Sullvan," how to write comic opera). Old Monasses has gone crazy on comic opera; gone and wrote one called "Baby Ele- phant" and got the whole push in it. When I wants my salary he says: "Wait until I produce my opera." See here, Mr. Monasses; if them there four dollars haint forthcom- ing pretty soon, Rome will howl and Imperial Caesar will turn to Clay. (Exit R.) Enter Milson, C. D. Mil. — This must certainl}- be the place. Ketchum, the de- tective, said my grand-child was employed in a newspaper office and was cared for by a vagabond called "Soldier."- I have searched all the other newspaper offices, but in vain. (Re-enter Rats.) I'll just pump the office boy. Are you the editor ? Rats — Nope; I'm the devil. Mil— The what ? Rats — The devil. I sweeps out, sets type, goes errands, carries papers, interviews statesmen, empires ball games and gets cursed and jawed for four dollars a week. Then don't get it ! Mil — I want to see the editor. As he is not in, I will wait. Rats — This is the boss place for that. We've all been waiting here for our salaries. Mil — You appear to be a worthy and industrious youth. Rats — -Yep; you're right there. I sat for a picture of in- dustry jes last week. Mil — Here's a dollar for you. Rats — (Takes money. Aside: A dollar! Gee whiz! Here's beefsteak, pork chops, liver smothered in onions and HASH! I wonder what he's up to!) 4 TIIK (nVL CLUB. Mil — Do we prosper? Business booming? Rats — Booming? Just look here; the Governor — Mil — The Governor? Rats — Yes, the Khedive, the Czar, the Sultan, the Emper- or, the Editor, Mr. Manasses, has all he can do — (aside, to dodge his creditors) they are after him night and day [for money.] Mil — Big bank account, eh? Rats — Bank account? The bank just sent word over here, that if we didnt quit sending over such big accounts they would have to build a new vault. Mil — Do you know a man by the name Soldier, and a young lady by the name of — of — Rats — Susie? Mil — Yes, yes. [Rats describes Soldier and Susie. Mil- son gets excited and says, yes, j^es. Rats says, "keep your seat."] Rats — This girl Susie about i6 or 17, rather good looking. Mil — Yes. Rats — (States color of hair and eyes.) Mil — (Excited and rises.) Yes, yes. Rats — Keep your seat. — The fellows vSojer, a queer sort of a fellow about 45 — Mil — Yes, yes. Rats — A red nose, a good sort of a fellow and looks as tliough he had seen better days. Mil — Yes, that's them, that's them — tell where they are. Rats — I don't know them. Never saw them. Mil — (Aside.) Nothing gained here, that bo}^ is too sharp for me. (Aloud.) Give my regards to the editor and tell him I will call again. (Exit C. D.) (Cornet call and hur- rahs outside — music, .some march.) Rats — I wasn't born yesterday. Here comes the regular arm}'. (Enter Sojer.) Soj — Corporal, 1 salute you. Good morning. Rats— (xood morning, "vSojer", you're a little late this morning. Soj — I met the enemy last night and I was their's. How my hair pulls. Rats — Where were you last night? Soj — Lodge. Rats — What did they have for lunch? Soj — Ice cream and hard tack. THE OWL CLUB. 5 Rats — Sojer, were you ever in the war? Soj — I answer yes. Rats — Ever been in battle? Soj — In battle? I guess yes — you should have seen me at the battle of Bull Run a beautiful morning just at the break of day — it was a terrible fight, a man fell here and a horse fell there, but on they came like demons — I braced myself for the final charge when zip — bang — a bullet struck me there, (strikes his army leg) and here is my discharge; am I an old "Sojer", oh no! Rats — Sojer, will you do me a favor? Soj — Certainly, Seargent, what is it? Rats — Loan me your face. Soj — Face? What do you want with it? Rats — My sister is making a crazy quilt and wants it for a center piece. (Rats exit R.) (Sojer reads paper). For sale — a bull-dog — will eat any- thing, very fond of children. Notice — The Bachelors' sew- ing society will meet at next Saturday night; bring your chewing gum and cork screws. (Knock CD.) Come in. (Enter Cash, the bill collector.) Cash — Is the proprietor in? Soj — No sir; he waited for you, but got a telegram from Frisco, large fortune left him, a million dollars. Cash — When will he be back? Soj — Three weeks from Tuesday forenoon, right after breakfast in the evening. Cash — I'll wait. Soj— WHAT ? Cash — I said I would wait. Soj — What, wait three weeks, fifteen days, two months, forty-five seconds and a j-ear? Cash — That's my business. Soj — We've got the small pox in the next room. Cash — I have just got over it. Soj — The sewer is stopped and 3'ou will get the grip. Cash — Grip? That's just what I want, a grip on him. (Sojer busy with gun.) Here's one hundred and forty-three dollars in forty-six lots and I'll sell the whole for twenty cents on the dollar. (Sees Sojer with gun.) My friend, what are you going to do? Soj — That's my business. Just got up, and haven't been to breakfast yet; I have a man for breakfast every morning, a 6 THK OWL CLUB. habit I acquired when I was Captain of the Texas Rangers. Cash — (Jumps up to door.) Good day, sir; good da}-, I'll call again. (Exit C. D.) Soj — (Goes to the window with gun.) I could lick him with both hands tied behind me. Shall I shoot him? If I do that will make an item. Good thing the boss wasn't here. Monasses and that Bill Collector must not meet, for if they do, there will be a spontaneous combustion. Suffering cornmeal! Here he comes now. He thinks the coast is clear and will meet that collector. He must be stopped. Rats! (Enter R.) Quick, the signal. (Busy waving coats, etc.) He walks calmly to his fate. Rats — No; he observes, he takes the alarm. Soj — He disappears down the alley. Rats — He has fallen over McCarty's fence, and now he climbs a telephone pole. Soj — He seizes the wire. Great scott! It's breaking. Rats — Oh no; he's safe on the wood-shed roof. Soj — He escapes. (Mon. rushes in exhausted). We three have met again, as I told McKinley and Bryan at the Tam- many banquet. Mon — Sheriff? Sport — No; bill collector. Mon — Any money come in ? Rats — The usual amount. Mon — Did 3'ou enter it on the book ? Rats — It is recorded. Mon — Retire at once and write an article on Sound Money, and you, Sojer, write up Henry Clew's Views, also Brad- streets' Report; it will please the toiling masses. (Sojer and Rats at work at tables. ) Enter Susie, C. Susie — Miss Rhymes has sent in a poem entitled "Beautiful Snow." Mon — Put in large type that the idiotical poem sent in by some feeble minded personage has been used to .stop up a rat hole, so we won't be bothered with snow any more. Susie — Then I wont send her the one hundred and fifty copies she ordered to be sent to her friends ? MoN — I told you to print the poem on the front page and say editorially that the budding genius of the gifted contributor is a source of pride and gratification to the entire community. Mrs. Blower wants an obituary for her little Willie. He was kicked bv a mule and fatally killed. Remember thev are sub- THK OWL CIvUB. 7 scribers. (Susie to work). For Sale — An influential newspa- per in a prosperous community. Circulation nominal; good reason for selling. Wanted — A literary faker, who aspires to be an editor. A man who can discount Job for patience, Moses on meekness and Lazarus for poverty. A rare oppor- tunity to stroll through the rosy path of literature to high hon- ors, or elsewhere. Personals — Bill Smith has stopped the leak in his woodshed. Jim White has whitewashed his pig pen. Susie — How's this? (Reads). Little Willie had a mule, its name was pinafore ; he tickled him on the foot with a straw — poor little Willie is no more. MoN — Rats, set that in large type. (Ratsatcase. Mon. takes shears and papers to Susie). As our original humor editor is in jail, you will have to take his place. Our jokes are served in the hot column. When you see a joke slaughter it with this steel; though it be palsied with age, spare neither sex, age nor political part)^ If you find an}^ not quite ripe, put them in the chestnut roaster. Soj — Did it ever occur to you that it is necessar}' for me to eat once every twenty-four hours ? Mon — I am grieved to hear that you have that terrible habit. However, after I produce my opera you may eat. Enter Miss Nightingale — down to Susie. Night — Are you the editor ? Susie — I am one of them. I'm dramatic, critic and society editor. Are 3'ou going to get married ? If you are, I will give you a good write-up. Night — Oh, dear, no. (To Rats). Are you the editor ? Rats — Nope, I'm the devil. Night — Oh, you wicked young man. Rats — Say, haint she a peach ? Night — [To Sojer]. Are you the editor? Soj — I'm the war and sporting editor. Night— Your duties are — Soj — Report fights between the other editors and politicians — I was war editor on the New York World in '73, the time General Sherman marched from Atlanta to the seaside. Night — Were you ever in battle ? Soj — Madame, I answer, Yes. You should have seen me at the battle of Waterloo, one beatiful morning just at the break of day. It was a terrible fight. A man fell here and a horse fell there, but on they came like demons. I braced my- self for the final charge when zip — bang — a 3-inch ball struck 8 THE OWL CLUB. me there [strikes his arm}- leg], and here is my discharge. Am I an old "Sojer?" oh, no! Night — I want to see the editor-in-chief. [Soj. points to Mon.] Are you the editor ? MoN — If you have come to subscribe, I am the editor; if you come to collect a bill, the editor is out. Night — I want to publish the history of my life. Mon — The editor just died of convulsions. Night— And what caused them? Mon — A man paid his subscription in advance. Night — (Slowly.) That-was-too-bad. I-would-pay-liber- ally-for-the-notice. I-would-]iay-cash. Sojer, Mon. and Susie, together — CASH ! Rats— HASH ? Mon — Did you say cash? The editor is born again and is before you. Would you like it in poetry, blank verse, or in the prose column, long metre, short metre, gas metre, or electric metre. Night — I am not particular. Mon — (Arises.) Come into the press-room. (Exit Mon. and Night. R. - Rats — Press-room? He wants to make a mash. vSusiE — Sojer, just think of it, cash, we won't have to wait for the opera now. Soj — We shall all eat. Rats — Hash? Soj — You are under arrest, retire to the guard house. [Rats Exit R. j Susie — Guard house — what is that? Soj — A military prison. Susie — Were you ever in war ? Soj — In battle ? I guess yes. You should have seen me at the battle of New Orleans, one beautiful morning just at the break of day. It was a terrible fight. A man fell here and a horse fell ttiere, but on they came like demons. I braced my- self for the final charge, when zip — bang — a 6-inch shell struck me there [strikes his army leg], and here is my discharge. Am I an old "Sojer?" oh, no! Susie — I v^dll be so glad when the boss gives his opera. He promised me a new dress and a pair of shoes — and I want to go on the stage and be a great actress. Say, Sojer, were you ever on the stage ? Soj — On the stage? Well, I should say! In '73 I drove a THE OWL CLUB. 9 stage from Frisco to New Orleans. Susie — I don't mean that kind. I mean, were you ever "on the boards?" Soj — Oh, yes; in '67, when I was commander of Fort Sumpter I got drunk one night and slept in a lumber yard. Susie — You don't understand me yet. I mean the drama, the theatre. Soj — I used to be with Uncle Tom's Cabin. Susie — What part did you play ? Soj — Ivittle Eva, because I made such a lovely corpse. Susie — I will try you and see how much 3'ou remember. Soj— What shall it be ? Susie — Scene between Parthenia and Polydor, the Miser, in the first act of Ingomar. [Can use a five-minute sketch or scene here from any piece]. Scene from Ingomar. Soj— 'Tis thou shalt be that wife, and thou shalt make me strong; young again; thy love, my pretty rosebud — Susie — Away, and listen now to me: Thou know'st my father tills the fields by day, And at the anvil works by night, and then Upon his shoulders carries to a distance His wares for sale; that he is now in years And wants repose: — say, then, when I am thine — Say, wilt thou think of my poor father? Soj — Ay, certainly I will; how could I do otherwise? Yes, yes, I will; I will think of thy father. Susie — And do? what wilt thou do for him? Soj — Oh, he shall be advanced, for he will be My father-in-law, the father-in-law of Polydor, Of the rich Polydor; and from the gods My lineage springs: Think what an honor; from the gods, ni}' child. Susie — But honor gives not food; what wilt thou do? Soj — Well, in the first place, buy, as hitherto. His wares at a good price. Susie — At a good price! That is, good for thyself. Well, and what more? Soj — What more! Why, then again, then will I--- Observe me now, and bear in mind, girl---know I will take thee without dowry, yes, entirely Without a dowry; true as thou'rt alive. Susie — No more? lO THE OWL CLUB. Soj — No more; almost too much. Susie — By all the gods, yes, it is quite too much. And so good evening. [Going]. Soj — No, stay; thou shalt not go without an answer. Susie — An answer thou shalt have, and mark it well: Procure your children, sir, a schoolmaster At any price, and whence you please; a slave To guard your house, attend to bolts and bars. Shouldst thou fall sick, there at the corner yonder. Go, bid the huckster sell thee wholesome herbs; Mix for th^^self thy medicine and thy drink. But know, for me there grows no bitterer herb On earth than sight of thee! Now, mark it well: This is my answer, thou poor, heartless miser; So fare thee well, descendant of the gods! Soj — What's that? Did I hear aright? She turns me out! Me, the rich Polydor! The armorer's child vScorns me, the rich descendant of the gods, As though I were her father's fellow-workman! Disdains me! Mocks me! There's no bitterer herb On earth than sight of me! Yes, and it shall Be bitter to thee, and to others, too. I'll have revenge! Susie — What willst thou do? Soj— What shall I do? I'll take No more swords of him; I'll buy up the rights Of all his creditors; summon him to justice, I will. I'll drive him from his house and home. Ay, from the cit3% him and his saucy child. That will I ! Yes; I'll force out his last drachma. Oh, I will not rest until I've had revenge! [While violently agitated he walks up and down]. Exit Sojer — enter Mon. R. MoN — Susie, what is all this fuss about ? Susie — Thefe is no fuss. Sojer and I have just been amus- ing ourselves. MoN — He is an odd genius. Tell me something about your- self and him. Susie — Well, I don't know much about myself. He don't like to talk about it. He was a great friend of my father. Both were in the employ of a wealthy man, and my father married this rich man's daughter against his will. He was THE OWL CLUB. II angrj' and cast her off, and drove father and Sojer from his office and caused them no end of trouble. Sojer took to drink to drown his sorrows. Then father and mother died. I was six years old then and Sojer kind of adopted me. We man- aged to make a living b}- selling soap and cheap jewelry at fairs, or Sojer, being a good old doctor, pouring our famous medical discovery down the throats of the suffering humanity. MoN — But your mother's father, who is rich? Who and where is he? Susie — I don't know. When I ask Sojer, he gets mad and «ays no one shall take me away. MoN — 'Tis a sad story. I hope, Susie, you and Sojer will see better days, and I believe you will. Go, now, and see if the people are ready for rehearsal. [Exit Susie C. U.] Poor girl; I wish I could do more for them, but poverty stands over me with a gattling gun. This is a queer, foolish, wicked old world. We can get along without it, but it can't get along without our valuable assistance. It owes us a living. As soon as I produce ray opera, I will do a handsome thing by Susie and Sojer. Enter Timothy Hay, C. D. Hay — Be you the editor? MoN — I am that distinguished gentleman. Hay — Hey? (Use ear trumpet, and every question repeat- ed to Hay.) MoN — I am that distinguished gentleman. Hay — Want to hire a reporter? MoN — No. Hay— Hey? MoN — No. Hay — I'll come for a dollar a week and find myself. MoN — No, no; times are too hard. Hay— Hey? MoN — No, no; times are too hard. Hay — I'll come for fifty cents a week and find both of us. MoN — No; not today. Hay— Hey? MoN — No; not today. Hay — I'll come for nothing a week and find fifty cents. MoN — ^^Who are you, and what are your recommendations? [Repeat each time]. Hay— Hev? 12 THE OWL CLUB. MoN — Who are you, and what are your recommendations? Hay — I'm Timothy Hay, Custodian of Correspondence of The Owl Ckib. MoN — I know nothing about The Owl Club. What is it? Who is it? Where is it? Hay — The greatest secret order in existence. It does more for its members than any other order. If you want an office, then join The Owls and you get it? Their influence is some- thing wonderful. MoN — Well, I'll hire you, and pay you when I produce my opera. Hay — I'm an opera feller myself. MoN — We wnll have a rehearsal in a few minutes, and then I will give you atrial. [Noise outside.] Ah, here they come. [Enter company and then the rehearsal. Introduce here a chorus by entire company. "The Handicap," by Geo. Rosey, is good; then about three single. specialties. All exit except Sojer and Monasses.] Soj—The fateful hour has arrived---the hour big with des- tinv! As I said to the starving Cubans— Friends, Country- men, Arouse! No compromise with Spanish tyrants! MoN — [Surprised.] What do you want? Soj — My last week's pay. MoN — Pay! Pay! What do I give you a week? Soj — The promise of four dollars. MoN — Yes, yes; four dollars; four dollars a week. I scatter, I waste, ravage and destroy four dollars a week on you. Who am I; a Vanderbilt or Monte Christo? Soj — I can't get -my washing. MoN — Washing! You aesthetic viper, how dare you wash? Soj (some local party) and I have a date tonight and I must have a clean shirt. My soul yearns for a clean shirt. MoN — And do you think I'm going to let my note go to protest so that you can prance around in a clean shirt? Go to your lair, you mongrel, and write an article on "Prosperity." Soj — [Dramatic] Gold-bug, grinding monopolist, beware! MoN — SLAVE! What would you do? Soj — I will organize a strike. I will remove the crank from the press and conceal it. Together the office cat and my- self will devour the paste, then I will pawn these shears. MoN — And is there no escape? Soj — Yes; let me have twenty cents now, the rest Christmas. THE OWL CLUB. 1 3 MON — If you could marry yourself to a clean shirt, would you be pacified until the present wave of prosperity has trans- ferred its deadly storm center to some other latitude? Soj — I would. MoN — Then listen. Concealed in a secret place I have a clean shirt, thinking if business did pid pick up soon it would materially assist me in presenting a respectable appearance at my funeral. But take it, and be happy. Soj — But what will you do if you should suddenly expire, and there shouldn't be time enough to get it washed before 5'our mortal remains are laid away among the daisies? MoN — Array this form in this coat that buttons to the chin, thus concealing the absence of a shirt. Soj — No, Pythias, no; sooner than to accept such a sacri- fice I would roam the world a shirtless vagabond forever. MoN — [Sits.] After years of conscientious labor I have ac- cumulated a large indebtedness, but I have no ill will against my creditors. They meant well--I freely forgive them. But when I die, how will I dispose of the large sum I owe? Soj-— Leave it for your friends and heirs to fight over. See which one shall pay it first. MoN--Spoken like a true philosopher. When I produce ray opera, a better day will dawn. There is but one thing now, and we are ready to produce it. Soj — And what is that? MoN — A baby elephant — the star character. Do you think you could get me one? There must be one around here, for I have heard about "seeing the elephant." Soj — You leave that with me — I'll get you an elephant. The Owl Club has one, and I'll borrow it. MoN — What do you know about The Owl Club? Soj — I am a charter member; joined in Kentucky in '67, and in less than three months their influence sent me to Con- gress. Have you got your life insured? MoN — Yes, in the W. O. W. If I die, my family gets $2,000. Soj — The Owls beat that. With them, if you die, you go to Heaven and get $100 spending money. MoN — But what if I should die and not go to Heaven? Soj — Well, in that case you get your money back. MoN — They must be a power. Soj — They are. If you would join them your opera would be a fortune; vour name would resound from sea to sea. 14 THE OWL CLUB. MoN — When do they meet? Soj — The}' meet everj- night. MoN — Tonight? Then I will join them, if yon will lead me on to their citadel. Soj — I will do that. Now, I will go and see if I can find the elephant. [Exit C] MoN — If what they sa}' is true about that order, fame is mine. Enter Colonel Snort. Snort — (Pulls off coat and puts hat and coat on table.) Are you the editor? MoN — That depends. Who are you; anyone in particular? Snort — Yes, I'm some one in particular. I'm Colonel Snort, candidate for Congress from this district, and the arti- cle in this paper will jeopardize my chances very much. If you are the editor, I Lave an account to settle with you. MoN — Oh, yes; subscription due. The bookkeeper is out, but I can receipt for any amount you wish to leave. Snort — Subscription, No! I want to see the scoundrel who wrote this. (Reads.) It says: I beat my wife regularly every morning before breakfast to give her an appetite. That I feed her children, bj- a former husband, on bean soup made out of mouldy beans; that I give my children five cents each night to go to bed without their supper, and when they are asleep 1 take the money out of their pockets. What do you say to that, sir? MoN — I say that the use of the appetizer alluded to is per- haps injudicious, especially its use so frequently. The econ- omy of the bean soup is apparent and undeniable. Snort — (Excited.) You can't bulldoze me, like we do voters-, by talking economy. I've been insulted, and propose to whip the man who wrote this. I must know where the editor is. or I'll thrash the whole office. MoN — That is very kind of you. Everything of a politcal nature is left with our political and war editor. He is away at present; couldn't you call again — next week? Snort — No, sir; I'm going to wait. MoN — Have a seat, sir. [Exit R.] Snort — Things have come to a fine pass, in this advanced age, if a man can't regulate his own family without its getting into the papers. I'll give this contemptible reporter a lesson he will not forget soon. Perhaps it may have a wholesome influence on these abominable newspapers that are determined THK OWL CLUB. 1 5 to print everj'thing that goes on. [Enter Monasses and Rats, with ax and club.] MoN — Just received a message that the gentleman you are looking for has gone to Klondike. Snort — What? Am I to be cheated out of revenge thus ? Oh, if I could swear. If it was not for this young man I would SWEAR! Rats — Don't mind me. MoN — Will that make you feel better? Snort — Yes; I can give vent to my feelings; I can unloose the indignation that dwells within. MoN — Ratst please show the Colonel to the swearing room. (Rats and Colonel start E; Monasses motions Rats back.) You lock him up in the refrigerator and diet him on snow balls. (Exit Rats and Snort h-) That ought to cool him off. Enter Mrs. GrufFy, C. Gruff V — How do you do, Mr. Molasses? MoN — Monasses, madam. Gruffy — I did not get my paper last week, sir, and de- mand an explanation, sir. MoN — You go to the devil, madam, Gruffy — Sir? Such language is shocking. I'm surprised that a man of your standing should use such language to a lady. But you can't scare me that waj-. I want my paper, and will not leave until I get it. MoN — Madam, the individual just referred to is not his Sa- tanic Majest}' with horns and cloven feet; he is in the other room. He is my authorized agent when I am otherwise en- gaged. He is perfectly harmless. His name is — Rats/ (GrufFy screams, climbs on table. ) [Enter Rats, L.] Rats — Case of jimjams. MoN — Madam, this is the gentleman we have been talking of. Gruffy — Oh, you gave me such a fright. I'm so afraid of those pesky creatures. (Gets down.) Rats — What's the row? MoN — The lady has not received her paper. Rats — I left it at the postofiice for her. Gruffy — You did? (Rats nods.) I'll go right down there and have that postmaster discharged. (Exit C. Rats exit R. ) MoN — I see I've got to hire a policeman, so people can tell their troubles to him. 1 6 THE OWL CI.UB. Soj — (Outside.) Whoa! Forward, march! (Enters with elephant. Note. — (To construct a baViy elephant make a cover of lead-colored flannel to fit over two men in a stooping position, cover to come down to the knees; on the legs wear large leggings of same material. To make a head use about -3 of a nail keg, or can make a tin frame and cover and pad this into the shape of a head, and sew on a trunk stuffed with straw. The bottom should be left open so that the occupants can see.) Soj — (Introduces elephant to Mon.) Mr. Monasses, this is Bingo. (Both bow.) Now, Bingo, I want you to do a few tricks to show Mr. Monasses what an intelligent animal you are. (Has elephant walk over him crosswise and lengthwise; has him sit in a chair; then asks him: Do yol? like water? Elephant shakes head — No. Do you like beer? Elephant nods — Yes. Do you like the boys? Elephant shakes head — No. Do you like the girls? Nods — Yes. Doyoti like music? Nods — Yes. (Orchestra starts up jig. Mon. and Sojer pat and elephatit dances.) Curtain. ACT II.— The Owls' Retreat.— A Cave or Dungeon. Officers of the Lodge — Most Illustrious Hooter (dignified) ; All-Wise Pontiff (white hair); Heroic Hercules (strong man); Assassins (biitchers); Custodian of Correspondence (Hay); Assiduous Herald (Sojer); Cautious Pursuivant (Rats). Curtain rises on "Hot Time Tonight." Hoot — The hotir of twelve having arrived, I now declare this lodge opened and readj^ for any business. Assidtious Herald and Cautious Pursuivant will search those present and see who are qualified to remain. (H. and P. search the mem- bers and find two bottles.) Bring me the plunder. Where thou findeth these? A. H— From All- wise Pontiff. C. P — From Heroic Herctiles. Hoot — You Vv'ill please explain. A. W. P — Most Illustrious Hooter, I had a serious case of stmstroke and the lodge physician prescribed that as a remedy. Hoot — The explanation is satisfactory, but let it be a warn- ing not to expose yourself to the fierce rays of the setting sun. And you, brother, how came you with this? H. H — Most Illustrious Hooter, I am suffering from a snake bite and the lodge physician prescribed that for me. Hoot — My brother, you had a narrow escape. We sympa- stage Plot, Act II Assassin Hooter Assassin C. P. A. H. THR OWL CLUB. 1 7 thize with you. We, too, have seen snakes. (Members look at him surprised.) I mean some of us have been snake-bitten. Assiduous Herald and Cautious Pursuivant, you have cour- ageously and fearlessly performed your dangerous duty. I cannot express ni}- admiration for you. I will recommend you, Assiduous Herald, for a generalship in the next war. From your militar}- bearing I should judge that you had seen service. A. H— I have. Hoot — Ever in battle? A. H — I answer yes. You should have seen me on the battleship Oregon, at Santiago, one beautiful morning in De- cember. It was a terrible fight. A man fell here, a horse fell there, a boat sank over yonder, but on they came like demons. I braced myself for the final charge, when zip — bang — a 10- inch shell struck me there [strikes his army leg], and here is my discharge. Am I an old "Sojer?" oh, no! Hoot — Brother Custodian of Correspondence will read the minutes of the last meeting. C. C— Hey? Hoot — Brother Custodian of Correspondence will read the minutes of the last meeting. C. C — I loaned them to the newspaper, and they hain't re- turned them. Hoot — We will dispose of the reading of the minutes. We will now sing our invitation hymn. All sing chorus, "We don't go home till morning, till day- light doth appear." [Repeat twice.] A. H-[Sings.] If you want to join this order, you needn't go any farther. Hand your name to the recorder, he'll put you onto the plan: But he is a bold, bad man — I think he's from Japan, Oh, he's a terrible croaker, a most inveterate soaker. He'll plaj- all night at poker and rob you if he can. Chorus — Custodian of Correspondence sings — Now 3'ou mustn't mind that member, We bailed him out in November; He was put in jail in vSeptember For abusing his familee. He's a chimpanze and he hasn't the soul of a flea. The grirls all think h'un a daisv, 1 8 TPIE OWL CLUB, But half the time he's crazy, as you can plainly see. Chorus. Hoot — I see our chaplain is absent. H. H — Most Illustrious Hooter, I left him down at ; he said he would be up in about an hour. Hoot — We will postpone his service for one hour. Next order of business, receiving members. Brethren, are there any wanting to join this influential order? H. H — Most Illustrious Hooter, I understand there is one application. Hoot — Custodian of Correspondence, have you any appli- cations for membership? C. C— Hey? Hoot — Have j^ou any applications for membership. C. C — Yes, yes; got one .some place. [Searches pockets.] Here it is? Hoot — You will read it. C. C— Hey? Hoot — You will read it. C. C — I, Isaac Monasses, being a real, live human being, de- sire to become a member of the highlj' influential order known as The Owl Club. Age, fortv-five; occupation, editor and opera- writer; weight ; character. Hoot — All very good but character. A. W. P — [With book.] Most Illustrious Hooter, accord- ing to Hou.se Bill One Hundred and Four, introduced by in the last Legislature, editors do not need a character. All — So we have heard. Hoot — Thank you, brother. As such is the law, we will admit him. Brother Custodian of Correspondence, did the requisite fee accompany the application? C. C— Hey? Hoot — Did the requisite fee accompany the application? C. C— Yes, yes. Hoot — Where is it? C. C— Hey? Hoot — Where is it? C. C — I spent it. Hoot — Brethren, I am satisfied our financial sj-stem is rad- ically wrong. Congress must do something. Brother Assid- uous Herald, where is the candidate? A. H — We've got him out there on ice. THE OWL CLUB. 1 9 Hoot — Has he the rheumatism, St. Vitus' dance, or any other contagious disease? A. H— He has not. Hoot — Is he bandaged, or padded, or soaked in strong spirits. A. H — He is not. He comes humble and submissive. Hoot — It is well. Go thou hence and return with the lamb readv for the slaughter, dead or alive. [Exit A. H. and C. P., L, i-E.] H. H — The heroes depart on a dangerous mission. Let us hope no calamity will befall them. [Alarm at door.] Hoot — There is an alarm at the south gate of the Temple. Hercules, j-ou will ascertain who dares disturb our grav^e de- liberations. H. H— [At door, E, I-E.] Ah, there! A. H— Stay there! H. H — It is our Assiduous Herald and a neophyte, seeking admission. Hoot — Is he securely bound? H. H— He is. Hoot — Is he armed with any dangerous weapons? H. H— He is not. Hoot — Admit them; we fear him not. [Enter Assiduous Herald and Cautious Pursuivant, and Monasses in chains. Music and chorus Ratus on Parade, stops before All- Wise Pon- tiff.] A. H — All-Wise Pontiff, we have before you an untried ne- ophyte named Monasses, seeker after the mysteries of this in- fluential and social order. A. W. P — How are you, Mr. Molasses? [Monasses corrects him. "Monasses, sir."] According to the civil service rules it is my dutj^ to have him conducted to Hercules. A. H — Aye, Aye, sir. [To Hercules.] Heroic Hercules, by order of All- Wise Pontiff I bring this stranger to you. H. H — What is your name, sir? MoN — Isaac Monasses. H. H — Isaac Molasses — a sweet name. [Monasses corrects him.] What is your desire? MoN — I desire to become a member of this lodge. H. H — Very good; I congratulate you. [Shakes hand, a hard shake.] But I cannot grant that priceless boon. Our Illustrious Hooter alone can bestow that unspeakable honor. But according to Judge 's decision you must answer 20 THE OWL CLUB. a question before proceeding further. Are you a candidate for .school clerk? [Or something local.] Mon — I am not. H. H — Then I will unfold to you the secret how to reach the ear of our Illustrious Hooter. Take this vial; it contains a mysterious fluid, the only means by which you can obtain a hearing. x\ssiduous Herald, away with him. A. H — (To Hoot.) Illustrious Hooter, we have here a stranger who desires an audience with you. Hoot — A stranger? A. H — Yes, a neophyte. Hoot — Away with him. A. H — I pra}^ 3-0U give ear to his petition. He is poor, but very, very honest. Hoot — Away with him. C. P — He is a gentleman, a .scholar and a good judge of whisky. Hoot — Away with him — I say away ! A. H — But, Most Illustrious Hooter, he has that mystic vial. Hoot — The vial? Well, now, that's different; produce it. (Monasses hands Hoot, bottle.) Well, .stranger, here's look- ing at you. (Drinks.) You are, indeed, a good judge of spirits of fermenti. What is your wish? Mon — I wish to join this lodge. Hoot — Oh, yes; this is Mr. Mola.s.ses. (Monasses corrects him.) (To Assiduous Herald and Cautious Pursuivant.) What do you know of this man? A. H. and C. P~He's all right. Hoot — No better recommendation does he need. The ob- jects of our organization are of the most noble and elevating. Our aims are to promote sociability among the human rarce. And as you go forth in this queer world it will be with a con- •sciousne-ss that you are linked to us, and nothing but nonpay- ment of dues or death can break asunder. My friend, have you a dollar about your clothes? Mon — Alas! I have not. Hoot — Your audacity is appalling. How dare you come before this dignified assembly without a dollar in your clothes? All-Wise Pontiff, what is the penaltv for treason? A. W. P— DEATH ! All — So we have heard. Hoot — And .so be it. As.sa.ssins, vour duty. (Assa.ssins THK OWL CLUB. 21 start to hang Monasses.) A. W. P — Most Illustrious Hooter, according to our city or- dinance it is not a treasonable offense to be broke, therefore this hanging is illegal. Hoot — Let the execution be stopped. We have great re- spect for your opinion of the law. Mr. Molasses, (Monasses corrects) as you have no money, we demand a pound of flesh. Assassins, seize him! Hercules, tear from his breast a pound of flesh and feed it to our sacred dragon. (Throw Monasses on the floor, take a piece of raw meat and hold it up, then throw it into the mouth of some wierd head that shows itself from behind the wings.) Is the candidate alive? H. H— He lives! Hoot — (To Monasses.) You have shown 5-ourself worthy to become one of us. Before proceeding further it will be nec- essary for 5'ou to give us some evidence of your proficiency in some manly accomplishment. Brother All-Wise Pontiff", will 5'ou read the law? A. W. P — According to the decision of our Supreme Court, before a person can become a full-fledged member of any se- cret order, he must prove himself an equestrian. All — So we have heard. Hoot — You have heard the law? MoN — Yes, sir. Hoot — Can you comply with it? MoN — I think I can ride. Hoot — He thinks he can ride. All laugh. Hoot — Assiduous Herald, conduct him to the dressing- room and don him in a riding habit. (Monasses dresses like a jockey.) You, Cautious Pursuivant, will retire to the stables and bring forth the fiery, untamed .steed. Away! (Exit Monasses and Assiduous Herald L,. and Cautious Pur- suivant R.) (Note — Monasses had better have jockej- suit on under his other clothes, as this is a quick change.) Hoot — Are there anv reports? C. C— Hey? Hoot — Are there any reports? C. C — It is reported that Brother is going to be married. All — So we have heard. Hoot —His case will be referred to the committee on matri- monv. 22 THE OWL CLUB. H. H — Brother has the Klondituss lever. Hoot — His case will be referred to the lodge physician. [Alarm — Hercules at door.] A. H — [Outside.] Hokus, Pokus, Mokus, Fillious. Hercules admits Monasses and Assiduous Herald. Monas- ses makes a nice bow. Cautious Pursuivant brings in ele- phant. Monasses tries to ride, but fails, then undertakes the tricks Sojer did with elephant. Elephant steps and sits on him; lots of trouble. Hoot — Our confidence in j-ou is somewhat shaken, but we will give 3'ou another trial. Cautious Pursuivant, bring forth another steed! [Cautious Pursuivant exit with elephant and brings on a live goat. Monasses rides goat.] We are satis- fied with your proficiency as a rider. Assiduous Herald, 3'ou will again retire with Mr. Molasses [Monasses corrects] for the next ordeal. [Exit Monasses and Assiduous Herald, E.] H. H — It is rumored that our Brother Custodian of Corres- pondence is a vocalist, so I will suggest that he sing for our edification and amusement while the candidate is preparing for the next ordeal'. Hoot — A happy suggestion. Brother Custodian of Corres- pondence, it has been reported by good authority that you can sing; therefore, I command you to sing a song for the amuse- ment and edification of the members here assembled. C. C— Hey? Hoot — It has been reported by good authority that you can sing; therefore, I command you to sing a song for the amuse- ment and edification of the members here assembled. C. C — I can't. I've got a bad cold — out late last night. A. W. P — The penalty of disobedience is death! C. C— Hey? A. W. P — The penalty of disobedience is death! C. C — Yes, yes; all right, I'll try. [Sings.] Enter Assiduous Herald and Monasses, Monasses white shirt, black pants and coat. A. H — Most Illustrious Hooter, your orders have been obeyed. Hoot — Mr. Molasses [Monasses corrects] you are again in our presence, a candidate for the honors, teachings and privi- leges conferred upon those who can prove themselves worthy of such high considerations. You have shown us your ability as an equestrian, now you will be obliged to give an exhibi- tion of the manlv art. You must meet our gladiator in mortal THE OWL CLUB. 23 combat. [Have about 3 rounds of a fake boxing contest be- tween Monasses and a gladiator. Monasses knocks the glad- iator out in the 3rd round.] You have shown yourself worthy to become one of us and follow the footsteps of those heroes who founded our venerable order. Assiduous Herald, con- duct the candidate to Heroic Hercules for the secret work. A. H — [To Hercules.] Heroic Hercules, before you stands candidate Monasses, who has passed the ordeals. H. H — Mr. Molasses [Monasses corrects] allow me to con- gratulate 3'ou. When you wish to gain admission to the lodge you will pound on the outside door. If it is not opened at once you will thrash the outer guard, then go to that door and pound again. Someone on this side will yell, "Who's there?" You will reply, "None of your business!" Then, "come in!" If you want to test anyone to see if the}' belong to this order, you look them in the eye and say, "Hokus, Pokus, Mokus, Fillious!" The}' will reply the same. We are down on aris- tocracy. We teach our daughters to scorn English lords and other foreign titles. A.ssiduous Herald, conduct the brother to All-Wise Pontiff for the obligation and final ceremony. A. H — All- Wise Pontiff, by order of Heroic Hercules, I present to you this brother for the last vSad rites. A. W. P — Brother Molasses [Monasses corrects] take bromo seltzer before digesting the Heroic Hercules' remarks about royalty. You will need it. He is prejudiced against royalty because royalty snubbed him. He proposed to Tootsy Ann Dowager of China, then again he lost $10 on three kings. Are you prepared to take the obligation? MoN — I want to go home. A. W. P — Ah, my friend; I would gladly release you, but it is against the law for members of the order to go home so early, especially on lodge nights. All — So we have heard. A. W. P — Will you, or will you not, take the obligation? Mox — [Desperate.] I am ready to take anything — arsenic, Paris green, or an}- other old thing. 