Wit, humor and pathos
L>fc**V a **o« °- *> 1° "^e. A* *"< >^^X°"\o^.v ^•'^o? V*^^7*-^ <?\*Z1 K° /\ -.^V* v*3**" /Vw *0y °* ••- /Vi^V 4^ > • ^0« r ..»i.».:% ++<§ 0 * - ^..iSSSl^ "'/tc^^o "o/ • <2fc *»-«»9 ,aP ** * %> "+ *6 ■.WVSB- V *°^ - ^ *©«0* .0 ^* AT ^ • » ^ "*0« *, V ^0< '*;?>• .o° *»• J-0'*, * :-% r 4Va\ ^ A* .'« y : W PA'< v«h .«#» .V ■ * * » <v »'. "ov* V'-^,"Ao,>" '%'^T^V* ^*^' 9 ^#^* ^ ^ .^ ^V>k\ ^ .* ; 'v*3«k?A \ ». -- e* of .0' ^0< ». %1^ •* Liiiiiii/iillwt'/, Uncle Consider's Advice. " Doyft you never bloxv a ?nan1s branes out to git Ms money, Eli; but you jes* sly aroun' an1 bloxv /lis money out, ciii1 so git his branes? Eli Perkins WIT, HUMOR AND PATHOS, / MELVILLE D. LANDON, With Multiform Illustrations After models by those designing young men, Nast, Darley, Fredericks^ Eytnge, White, Stephens and others. CHIC AG O: BELFORD, CLARKE & CO., 1SS3. C. 1^*3 COPYRIGHTED. BELFORD, CLARKE & CO. Printed and Bound by Donohue & Henneberry, Chicago. PREFACE. " I have the honor," said General Butler, at the Medical-Lego dinner at Delmonico's — "I have the honor of knowing three of the greatest liars — the greatest living liars in America." "Who are they?" asked the venerable Sam Ward, as he dropped a chicken partridge to listen to the General. " Well, sir," said the General, as he scratched his head thoughtfully, " Mark Twain is one, and Eliar Perkins is the other two!" Arise and sing! CONTENTS. Page New York Religion --.---- 3 Eli's Baby Story ._--..-- 3 Senator Blaine Tells Eli Perkins a Story - - 4 Mrs. Perkins Finds a Gentle Horse ... 5 Eli Perkins on American Bulls .... 7 Eli in Richmond, Va. ------ 8 Uncle Consider, on Temperance, - - - - 9 Solitaire Diamonds, 13 Eli Perkins in hot water, ------ 16 Eli on fire-proof houses, ------ 20 Dreadful Profanity, 23 Eli Perkins's Pen Pictures, ----- 24 A Fifth Avenue Episode, 28 A Lonesome Man, - 30 About Children, 34 Servantgalism, ------- 38 Uppertendom, ---40 Letter from Aunt Charity, 45 The Literary Girl, 51 Uncle Consider as a Crusader, ... - 55 Eli in Love, 58 Brown's Boys, - 60 A Brown's Boy in Love, 66 Brown's Boys in New York, - 68 Rich Brown's Boys, 74 Brown's Girls, - 78 Advice to Young Men, 84 The Funny Side of Fisk, ------ 87 Rev. Eli Perkins, 98 A Sad Man, 102 A Queer Man, - 104 viii CONTENTS. Page Eli's Happy Thoughts, ------  Man, - 120 A Frontiersman, - 121 The Hackman, 124 Sewers and sowers, 125 Hard on Lawyers, ....... 127 E. Perkins— Attorney at Law, .... 129 How Donn Pirate Thrashed Eli Perkins, - - 131 A Day at Saratoga, - 135 The  Dress Parade, 166 The Good Man, - 169 Owed to Franklin Statue, ----- 172 A Parrot Story, ------ -  Pawn-Shop Clothes, ------- 175 Where Ducks Live, ------- 175 Five Hundred Dollars Saved, - 176 Tip of the Fashion, ------- 177 Shirking from Work, ------ 177 Trunk Smashers, ---- ... 178 Eli on Dominie Ford, ------ 179 A Hard Name, -------- 179 CONTENTS. ix Eli on the  ---.----- 186 Eli Perkins's Blunders, - -. - - - 186 Nice Arable Land, - - - " - - - - 188 Money Close, ----188 Indifference, -------- 189 The Whiskey  * Page I Lope an Honest Poy, 252 "Get There Eli"— Its Origin, 254 Lecture Experience, 258 Time is Money, 258 The New Silver Dollar 259 A Sermon 259 Eli and the Detroit Barberess, - 260 A Kind Word for Eli - 262 Eli on Proposing ------- 263 Eli on John Chinaman - 265 A Death Sentence Revoked ----- 265 Three-Card Monte Men 270 Why Eli Became a Lecturer ----- 273 Eli Perkins on Thad Stevens 274 Newspaper Witticisms 274 Eli Perkins Strikes a Rich Man - - - - 276 Eli Perkins on Children ------ 277 WIT, HUMOR, SATIRE AND PATHOS. NEW YORK RELIGION. "John," said a rich New York grocer to his man, have you mixed the glocuse with the sugar ? " "Yes, sir." ' " And sanded it, too ? " » Yes, sir." " Dampened the tobacco ? " " Yes, sir." " And watered the whisky ? " » Yes, sir." " Then you may come in to prayers." ELI'S BABY STORY. " Lii.lie, did you say your prayers last night? " asked a fashionable New York mother of her sweet little girl who remained home while the mother went to the Charity Ball. " Yes, mamma, I said 'em all alone." " But who did you say them to, Lillie, when your nurse was out with me ? " " Well, mamma, when I went to bed, I looked around the house for somebody to say my prayers to, and there was'nt nobody in the house to say 'em to, and so I said 'em to God." 3 SENATOR BLAINE TELLS ELI PERKINS A STORY. " There was a young man from Bangor," said Senator Blaine to me this morning, " who came to Saratoga. He was a very smart young man at home — this young man from Bangor. He could win large bets at the baseball games when his brother was pitcher, and he could even earn money, like General Schenck and Henry Waterson, playing poker. " The other day," continued Mr. Blaine, some of my Maine friends told me that this young man went down to Reed's Saratoga Club House. He bet high and lost. Then he hauled out a roll of bills and bet more — only to lose. Finally he bet his last cent. He lost that. Then knowledge struck him. A light broke in upon him, and he seized his hat and said : " What ? Mr. Blaine — what did he say ? " I asked, interested. " I will tell you what he said Eli. He said : " Gentle- men, I don't think I know enough to play this Saratoga game — but, by gosh! I know enough not to! " 4 MRS. PERKINS FINDS A GENTLE HORSE. My wife having been run away with once is always afraid the horse is going to run away with her again. Yesterday, when Harrington, who runs the Maplewood Hall stables, at Pittsfield, Mass., brought up a span, he had to stand the usual questioning : " Now, are they very gentle ? " " Oh, certainly — kind as kittens." " Did they ever run away ? " « Never." " Do you think they could run away ? " Harrington looked at the horses sadly and said : " Mad- ame, to be frank with you, I don't think they could." " Well, have they ever been frightened ? " " No, never. Nothin' could frighten 'em," said Har- rington. " Has anything ever happened to them that would have frightened them if they had been skittish ?" continu- ed my wife earnestly. "Well, yes, ma'am; suthin' did happen thuther day that would have skeered 'em ef they'd been skittish. " What, Harrington— what ? " " Why, I was drivin' along down the Woolsey hill, when a storm came up, an' six streaks of lightnen' struck them horses right on the -head and " " Did they run ? " "No, ma'am; they didn't move; they jest stood still and pawed the ground for more lightnen'. They liked it. 5 6 " An' the next day," continued Harrington, ie a city feller was drivin' this team, an' he let a railroad train go right through ?em." "Did it kill them?" " No, but the city feller was all used up. But you oughter a seen them horses; they acted so human like# Why, when they picked that city fellow out of the trees they walked straight up to him, took him by the seat of the pantaloons " "Oh, my!" " Lifted him right back into the wagon again, and " « My gracious me ! " " And then they hitched themselves back into the wagon and drove themselves home — didn't they Mr. Kettelle ? " — N. T. Commercial Advertiser, ELI PERKINS ON AMERICAN BULLS. Punctuation makes a great many bulls in this coun- try. The other day I picked up a newspaper in Wis- consin, full of curious things. I enclose a few specimens: "The procession at Judge Orton's funeral was very fine and nearly two miles in length as was the beautiful prayer of the Rev. Dr. Swing from Chicago." Another : " A cow was struck by lightning on Saturday belong- ing to Dr. Hammond who had a beautiful spotted calf only four days old." A distressing accident is thus chronicled : "A sad accident happened to the family of John Elderkin on Main street, yesterday. One of his children was run over by a market wagon three years old with sore eyes and pantalets on that never spoke afterwards. The next morning after lecturing at Janesville, I saw this paragraph : " George Peck an intemperate editor from Milwaukee fell over the gallery last night while Eli Perkins was lecturing in a beastly state of intoxication." " The coroner's jury brought in a verdict that Mr. Peck came to his death by remaining too long in a cramped position while listening to Mr. Perkins' lecture which produced apoplexy on the minds of the jury. 7 ELI IN RICHMOND, VA. Richmond, writes Eli Perkins, in the IV. T. Star, : consists of 500 good houses, 1 7,000 negro huts, and 400 tobacco factories. A Richmond man showed me the town. I didn't get tired of looking at the 500 good houses, but the 400 tobacco factories wore me all out. At last, when I came to a large building, I would say : "Another tobacco factory, sir." " Yes, this is a plug factory." " Never mind," I said, " drive on; let the plug go." Further on we came to a very large building, and a very ancient one. " Is that a tobacco factory, too," I asked a darkey. " No, sah: dat's a meetin' hous', sah; dat's whar Pat- rick Henry delivered his great speech." " When," I asked, " when did Patrick speak ?" " Years and years ago, sah." " What did he say ? " " Why, he's de man what said c Give me liberty or give me death.' " " Well, which did he get ? " " He got 'em bof, sah." 8 THE BOSTON DODGE. Last evening, writes Eli Perkins, as Mr. Stub was playing his sweet music in the States ball room, an old maid from Boston was promenading out on the flirting balcony with Mr. Jack Astor, one of our swell young gentlemen from New York. As the landers stopped, Miss Warren looked languidly over into the park, sighed four times, and then pathetic- ally remarked: "Nobody loves me, my dear Mr. Astor; nobody " "Yes, Miss Warren, God loves you, and your mother loves you." " Mr. Astor, let's go in ? " And five minutes afterwards, Miss Warren was try- ing the drawing-out dodge on another innocent, unsus- pecting fellow. UNCLE CONSIDER ON TEMPERANCE. " Eli." " Yes, Uncle." " Let me read you suthin' from the Christian Union" and my Uncle Consider wiped his German-silver glasses with his red bandana handkerchief, adjusted them on his nose, and read : A man in Jamaica, Long Island, after drinking too much cider insisted, against his wife's wishes, on smoking on a load of hay. He came home that night without any whiskers or eyebrows, and the iron work of his wagon in a potato sack." 10 " This little incident, Eli," said my Uncle, looking over his glasses, " preaches a sermon on temperance. It teaches us all, in these times of public corruption, tempered by private assassinations, to keep our heads ' spiritoally level.' " "How can this be done, Uncle?" I asked. " Jes lis'en to me, Eli, and I'll tell you. I'll open the flood-gates of wisdom to you, so to speak." Then my uncle put one hand on my shoulder, looked me straight in the face, and said : " Ef you drink wine, Eli, you will walk in winding ways; ef you carry too much beer the bier soon will carry you. Ef you drink brandy punches you will get handy punches ; . and ef you allers get the best of whiskey, Eli, whiskey '11 allers get the best of you." "But brandy, Uncle — brandy has saved the lives of thousands of people — hasn't it?" I asked. " Yes, Eli, brandy has saved thousands of lives, and do you want to know how — do you ? By their not drinking it, my boy ; that's the way it saved their lives. No, my boy, if you want to keep your spirits up you mus'n't put your spirits down." " Did you ever know brandy and whiskey to do as much damage as water has, Uncle ?" I inquired, mod- estly. " Yes, my boy, I have. What has brandy done in our fam'ly? Didn't I see your Uncle Nathaniel come home from the lodge one night, after he had taken too much whiskey in his water, an' didn't he stagger into the kitchen, get up on a chair and wash the face of the clock, and then deliberately' get down and wind 11 up the baby and try to set it for'ard fifteen minutes ? Didn't he !" " But when we read in the Bible, Uncle, how much damage water has done — how it drowned Pharaoh, de- moralized Jonah, and engulfed the whole human family in the deluge, don't it really make you afraid to drink any more water in your'n ? Don't it?" I said, raising my voice. " I know water don't cause the destruction of two-dollar clocks," I continued, " nor wind up inno- cent babies, but it wound up Pharaoh's whole army and washed down the whole human race and " " Shut up, Eli ! Don't talk to me. You make me sick," shouted my Uncle, gesticulating wildly with one hand and wiping his eyes with the other. But a mo- ment afterward he became tranquil, and, looking over his German-silver glasses thoughtfully, he continued : " No, no, Eli, my boy, that fust glass of wine has ruined many -a yung man. The other nite," he con- tinued, wiping his eyes, " I drempt I saw my fav'rite sun adrinken from the floin' bole. My hart yarned for 'im an' I strode to'rds 'im. As he razed the wine- glass in the air I was seezed tragick-like and sez I, ' O Rufus, the serpent lurks in that floin' wine. Giv' — O giv* it to your father!' and when he past it to'rds me. I quaffed it, serpent an' all, to keep it from my tender sun. He was saved from the tempter, Eli, and turnin' with tears in my eyes I remarkt, ' O, my hopeful boy, do anything — skoop burds' nests, stun French glass winders, match sents, play with powder, take snuf, take benzine, take photographs, — anything, but don't take that first glass of wine.' 12 MI NOBLE BOY. " ' Fear not, father,' answered my noble boy. ' That first glass o' wine be blowed. Us boys is all a-slingin' in ol' crow whisky and a-punishin' gin slings and brandy smashers — if we ain't yeu kan hire a hall for me — yeu kan !' " Mi noble boi ! " and then Uncle Consider lighted a 40-cent Partaga and proceeded to ask James what he had purchased for the week's supply from the market. " I bought two gallons of sherry, sir, four dozen Burgundy, some of the old rum we had before, some cheese, two boxes of cigars, and two loaves of bread, an' it's all here in the larder." "All right, James," said my Uncle, lookin' over his glasses, "but was there any need of spendin' so much money for bread ? " And then Uncle Consider went on cutting off his coupons. SOLITAIRE DIAMONDS. Since they have discovered diamonds in Africa, they are getting too common on Fifth Avenue to be even noticed. One young lady, reported to be young and handsome, wears finger-ring diamonds in her hair. A Chicago lady, staying at the Fifth Avenue, alleged to have lived with her present husband two weeks without getting a divorce, wears diamond dress- buttons ; and even one of the colored waiters — an African, too, right from the mines — showed me a diamond in his carpet-bag weighing thirty-seven pounds, which he offered to sell to me in the rough for $4 — . clear indication that even the Africans don't appreciate the treasures they have found. This morning a lady from Oil City went into Tiffany's great jewelry store and said she. desired to purchase a diamond. 13 14 " I understand solitaire diamonds are the best, Mr. Tiffany," she said, "please show me some of them." '• Here is a nice solitaire" answered the silver-haired diamond prince. "How do you like it?" " Putty well," said the lady, revolving it in her fin- gers. "It shines well, but are you sure it is a solitaire, Mr. Tiffany?" " Why, of course, madame." " Wall now, if you will warrant it to be a real gen- uine solitaire, Mr. Tiffany, I don't mind buying it for my daughter Julia — and — come to think," she con- tinued, as she buttoned her six-Lutton kid-gloves and took her parasol to leave, " if you've got five or six more real genuine solitaires just like this one, I don't mind takin' 'em all so's to make a big solitaire cluster for myself." " Yes, madame, we'll guarantee it to" be a real soli- taire" smilingly replied Mr. Tiffany, and then the head of the house went up to his private office and in the presence of four hundred clerks sat down and wrote his official guarantee that the diamond named was a genuine solitaire. As the lady bore the certificate from the big jewelry palace she observed to herself, " There's nothing like knowing you've got the genuine thing. It's really so satisfyin' to feel sure!" But that evening her fiendish husband refused to buy the diamonds — " and then this beautiful woman," said Mr. Tiffany — " all dressed up in silks and laces and garnet ear-rings cut on a bias, sat down in the hotel parlor and had to refuse to go to a party at Mrs, 15 Witherington's because her jewels did not match her polonaise /" "O dear!" said the great jeweller, and in the full- ness of his grief he poured a coal scuttle into a case full of diamonds and watches and silver spoons, and a basketful of diamonds and pearls and garnets into the coal stove. ELI PERKINS IN HOT WATER. The other day I sent this paragraph to The Herald : " Mrs. Johnson is said to be the most beautiful woman in the hotel." I didn't know what I was doing. I'm sorry I did it. Now the ladies are all down on me, and poor Mrs. Johnson is being persecuted on all sides. The ladies are telling all sorts of stories about her — how she poi- soned her first husband, threw a baby or two down the well, and all that. A few moments ago a tall, muscular gentleman entered my room, holding a long cane in his hand. He looked mad. I wasn't afraid. O ! no ; but I was writing, and hadn't time to talk. "Are you Mr. Perkins?" he commenced. " No, sir; my name is La " " Did you write this article about Mrs. Johnson being the most beautiful woman?" he in- terrupted. I VK FOUND YOU. "Why?" I asked modestly. 16 17 " Because my wife is here, sir — Mrs. Thompson — a very handsome woman, sir; and — " " Ah ! Thompson — yes ; only the fact is I sent it down 'Thompson,' and those rascally type-setters they made 'Johnson' of it. Why, yesterday, Mr. Thompson, I wrote about President Porter, the well-deserving President of Yale College, and those remorseless type- setters set it up " hell-deserving,' and President Porter has been cutting me ever since." " All right, then, Mr. Perkins, if you really sent it down, 'Mrs. Thompson,' I'll put up my pistol and we'll be friends; but if I ever hear of your writing of any lady's being more beautiful than my wife I'll send you to New York in a metallic case — I will, sure!" and Mr. Thompson strode out of the room. A few moments afterward I met Julia, my fiancee — the one I truly love. "You look lovely to-day, Julia!" I commenced as usual. "You're a bore, Eli — you're a dread- "base deceiver!" fui person— a false, bad man. You—" "What is it, Julia? what has displeased you now?" I interrupted, sweetly. " Why, you base deceiver! haven't you been calling me beautiful all the time ? Haven't you made sonnets to my eyes, compared my cheeks to the lily, my arms to alabaster; and now here you go and call Mrs. Johnson the most beautiful woman in the hotel. You mean, false, two-sided man, you !" and Julia's eyes snapped like sparks of electricity. 18 " But, Julia, dear Julia, let me explain," I pleaded. " It was all ruse, Julia. Don't you know, newspapers tell a good many lies — they must, you know ; the people will have them; and there is a rivalry between them to see which shall tell the biggest and longest ones, you know, and tell them the oftenest ?" " Yes," she murmured sweetly. "Well, I've been telling so much truth lately in The Herald, folks told me to change my course a little — to throw in a few lies, and — " " And you did ?" "Why, yes, and this was one of them. Of course you are the most beautiful woman in Saratoga. Of course you are." This seemed to make Julia happy again, and I thought I was all right. I went back to my room thinking so, but I was all wrong. In a moment, Rat! tat!! tat!!! sounded on the door. " Come in," I said, as I stood with my pantaloons off, thinking it was the boy to take this letter to the post. "Is it you who is making fun of my wife — you miserable — " " I beg pardon, sir ; if you and your wife will just step back a moment, I'll draw on my pantaloons and try and tell you," I said, trembling from head "IS IT YOU, SIR?" tQ f00t "No, sir, we won't step back a moment, but say, sir, did you say my wife, Mrs. Johnson, was the hand- somest woman in Saratoga; she who has been known 19 "no, sm!" as the plainest woman and I the plainest Methodist minister in this here circuit — say, did you?" The woman was a fright. I could see it from behind the sofa where I scootched down. She wore a mob- cap, had freckles, crooked teeth and peaked chin. " No, sir !" I said, vehemently. "No, sir-r-r ! I never said your wife was the most beautiful woman in Saratoga, for she evidently is not. I meant some- body else — another Mrs. Johnson. I could not tell a lie about it, and she is positively ugly — that is, she is not hand- some; she is not beautiful. "Far different. " " Far different ! My wife not good-looking, sir ? My wife far - — different? I'll teach you to at- tack my wife in that way," and then his cane flew up and I flew down. I don't know how long I staid there, but I do know that the next hour I found my- self in a strange room, and my clothes smelt of chloroform and Camphor. The doctors say I met with an accident. \ don't know what it was, but I do know that I shall never say anything about that handsomest woman again. Never ! :-_^:-C:-^7' _., 1 I'll teach you." ELI ON FIRE-PROOF HOUSES. It pains me to hear of so many people being burned out on account of combustible elevators and defective flues. It's dreadful how much damage fire is doing of late years when it can just as well be managed if only taken in hand. This morning the superintendent of the New York Fire Department came to my room and wanted me to explain my theory of preventing fire. "All right, Gen. Shaler, be seated," I said. Then I showed him the machine invented by Prof. Tyndall and myself for abstracting heat from fire. "Heat from fire, did you say, Mr. Perkins?" "Yes, sir," I said, turning a crank. "This is the way we do it. Put your eye on the spout. Now, do you see the cold flames coming out there while the boys are wheeling off the heat in flour barrels to cook with?" "Splendid!" exclaimed Gen. Shaler. "What other inventions have you ?" "Dozens of them, sir," I said, leading the General into my laboratory. Then I showed the General my famous machine for concentrating water to be used by the engines in case of drought. I showed the General my process of con- centration, which is to place the water in its dilute state in large kettles and then boil it down till it is 30 21 - thick. The experiment proved eminently successful. Twelve barrels of water were evaporated down to a gill, and this was sealed in a small phial, to be diluted and used to pat out fires in cases of extreme drouth. "But, Mr. Perkins, how " "Never mind 'how' General," said I. "You see, in some cases the water is to be evaporated and concen- trated till it becomes a fine, dry powder, and this can be carried around in the vest pockets of the firemen, and blown upon the fire through tin horns — that is, it is to extinguish the fire, in a horn." " But, Mr. Perkins, " " Never mind your buts, General — just you look at the powdered water," I said. Then he examined the powdered water with great interest, took a horn — a horn of powdered water — in his hands and blew out four tallow candles without the use of water at all, while I proceeded to elucidate my plan for constructing fire-proof flues. I told him how the holes of the flues should be constructed of solid cast iron or some other non-combustible material, and then cold corrugated iron should be poured around them. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the superintendent. " Per- fectly wonderful ! But where will you place the flues, Mr. Perkins?" " My idea," I replied, drawing a diagram on the wall-paper with a piece of charcoal, "is to have these flues in every instance located in the adjoining house." "Magnificent! but how about the elevators?" "Why, after putting 'em in the next house too, 22 I'd seal 'em up water-tight and fill 'em with Croton, and then let 'em freeze. Then I'd turn 'em bottom- side up, and if they caught fire, the flames would only draw down into the cellar." DREADFUL PROFANITY. A young lady who attends Vassar College came home to her mother on Madison avenue yesterday, and said that she didn't like to go to school there any more, for — for " "For what, Jenny?" asked her mother. "Why, because some of the Vassar girls swear, Ma." "Swear, Jane! Good Lord, what do you mean?" " I mean they use bad words, Ma. I " " Great Heavens, child ! run and tell your grand- mother to come here." [Enter Grandmother.'] "What is it, Marion?" asked grandmother, looking over her glasses. "Why, goodness gracious, Mother, what do you think! Why, Jenny says the girls swear, they " " Lord o' mercy, Marion ! Heaven knows what we'll come to next. Lord knows we've been too precious careful of our children to have 'em ruined by any such infernal dev'lishness." "I wish to Heaven — but here, Jenny" (matching hold of the young lady), " tell me now — what do those Vassar girls say?" "Why, Lizzie Mason talks about Mad-dam de Stael, and Lizzie Smith says when she goes to New York she'd rather ride up to see McComb's dam bridge than to have a front seat at the Fordara races." "Good Lord, Jenny, how you startled me!" 33 ELI PERKINS'S PEN PICTURES. (Around town?) Let me show you some little every-day New York pictures this evening. There are only four of then? : I. " Hundreds of little Italian boys are kept by old hags on Cherry and Baxter streets, just to steal and beg. If they come home at night without having stolen or begged certain sums, the poor little fellows are whipped and made to go to bed on the floor without any supper. Most of these boys turn out pick-pockets, and eventually go to the Island or to Sing Sing as burglars and housebreakers. One little fellow who has lived on Cherry street for seven years didn't know what the Bible was, and he told us he had never heard of Christ."— iV. Y. Times. But " the Rev. Mr. Van Meter, who established the second Five Points Mission House, has raised funds enough to establish a Protestant mission church in Rome. He writes that three more Italian subjects have been res- cued from Popery and converted to the Protestant faith, and that he is deeply solicitous for further con- U 25 tributions from brothers and sisters in the cause to help on the glorious work and enable them to build a snug little marble parsonage for the residence of the American .missionaries." — Five Points Mission Re- port. II. "Mrs. Mary Thomas testified this morning that Mrs. Hurley turned her out of the Girls' Lodging House on a stormy night to die in the Fifth Street Station House, and Sergeant Snyder swore that on the morn- ing of the 1 8th of March he found Mary lying sick on the floor in the station house. She was in dis- tress, and said : " ' For God's sake, have some one do something for me!' and in the midst of her crying and mourning she gave birth to a child." — N. Y. Herald. But " the private stables of Mr. Belmont, Bonner, and many other gentlemen are made of black walnut, beautifully furnished, and nicely warmed. The horses are clothed in soft, white blankets, and fed and cleaned with the regularity of clockwork. I am endeavoring to have all other animals well cared for, too, and to accomplish this I caused the arrest of a private coach- man to-day, and detained the carriage in front of A. T. Stewart's, because the driver had driven tacks in the side of the bridle, which pricked and chafed the horse, compelling him to keep his head straight. If cars are overloaded the horses will be stopped, and the people will have to walk." — Mr. Humane (?) Bergtis Letter. III. " A woman, who up to the time of our going to press had not been identified, was found dead yesterday morning on a door- step in Thirty - fourth street. The deceased evidently wandered from some of the poorer wards in search of employment, and from her emaciated condition it is probable she had not tasted food for several days. It is thought that poverty and starvation caused her death. The body, scantily clothed in a few rags, lies unclaimed in the Morgue." — N. Y. Sun. But "Mrs. Livingstone's elegant and fashionable reception and german, at her palatial Fifth avenue man- sion on Monday evening, was too gorgeous for description. Many of the ladies' toilets came from Worth's, and cost fabulous sums, and the flowers which draped the rooms — all rare exotics — must have cost a small fortune. Among the guests sparkling with jewels was Mrs. Lawrence, whose bridal trousseau, when she was married last week, is said to have cost 21 $7>ooo- The rare and expensive wines which cheered the occasion, some of them costing as high as $20 per bottle, astonished even the comioisseurs" — Home Journal. IV. "Bellevue Hospital is often crowded to excess with sick, so much so  or to keep it from being damp, unwholesome, and sickly; and until an appropriation of at least $50,000 is made by the city, prisoners must continue to be crowded together and continue to suffer, especially in cold weather, beneath damp bed-clothes." — Repoi't Commissioners of Charities and Correction. But "the Park Commissioner is of opinion that it will cost $5,000,000 to complete the new Natural History buildings in Central Park, to give ample room for the minerals, fossils, and live animals. The wild animals of the zoological collection take up a large amount of room in the Park buildings, and it costs the city a great deal of money to feed them and keep them properly warmed, but they are a source of great amusement to the nurses and children." — Park Com- missioner's Report. A FIFTH AVENUE EPISODE. Miss Livingstone was calling on the Fifth Avenue Woffingtons yesterday afternoon. As she stepped out of her bottle-green laudaulet to walk up the Woffington brown-stone portico, a swarm of sparrows from Union Square chirped and twittered over her head and up along the eaves. The sparrows were dodging about after flies and worms — something substantial — while Miss Livingstone's mind never got beyond her lace overskirt and the artificials on her Paris hat. "It's perfectly drefful, Edward!" she observed to the bell-boy as she shook out her skirts in the hall — "howible!" Then flopping herself into a blue satin chair she exclaimed : "I do hate those noisy spaw'ows, Mrs. Woffington. They'r beastly — perfectly atwocious!" " But you know they destroy the worms, Miss Liv- ingstone ; they kill millions of 'em — just live on 'em. Now, wouldn't you rather have the sparrows than the worms, Miss Livingstone? Wouldn't you?" " No, I wouldn't, Mrs. Woffington. Just look at my new brown silk — the nasty, noisy things ! I " " But worms eat trees and foliage and fruit, Miss Livingstone. They destroy " "They don't eat silk dresses, Mrs. Woffington, and they don't roost on nine dollar ostrich feathers and 38 29 thirty dollar hats, do they? I'm for the worms, I tell you, and I don't care who knows it ! I hate spaw'ows!" "Well, I hate worms, I do. I hate " Just then Miss Livingstone's brother — a swell mem- ber of the Knickerbocker club — Eugene Augustus Livingstone, entered, interrupting the sentence, when both ladies turned on him and exclaimed : " Oh, Mr. Livingstone, we were discussing sparrows and worms, and we refer the question to you. Now answer, which had you rather have — sparrows or worms ?" "Well, weally I kont say, ladies. Weally, 'pon m' honor I kont, yeu kneuw — yeu kneuw. I never had " " But which do you think you'd rather have, Mr. Livingstone ? Which " "I weally kont say, ladies, for I never had the spawows — at least, not since I can remember ; but the worms " "Oh, Mr. Livingstone!" and then poor Eugene Au- gustus had to open the window and sprinkle ice-water all over two fainting Worth dresses, which looked as if some careless milliner had let them drop — a woman sinker in each holding it to the carpet. A LONESOME MAN. BANK DEPOSITORS. In Denver, years ago — when Denver was made up of a popu- lation of robbers and gamblers and adventurers — there used to be a miners' bank — a bank where miners deposited bags of gold dust, or sold it for currency. In the bank, before the teller's window, there sat, one day, a forlorn, dejected, woe-begone looking old miner — a seedy old forty-niner. He wore an old faded slouch hat, about the color of his tangled, sun-browned beard. He never spoke as the other miners came in and ex- changed their dust for coin, and "no one spoke to him. He was a personified funeral — a sad, broken-hearted man. As this sad miner sat there, one day, smoking his pipe, and seemingly oblivious to anything, a young man entered and jauntily handed in his bag of dust. " It weighs six hundred and eighty dollars, Mr. John- son," said the teller, taking it from the scales. "All right; give me credit on the books," said the young man, moving towards the door. But, turning on his heel in the doorway, he paused a moment, put his hand thoughtfully across his brow, and said : "I beg your pardon, sir; but it seems to me you 30 i 31 made a little mistake in paying me last week, didn't you ?" " No, sir, we never err, sir ; and if we did, sir, it's too late to correct it now. You should have spoken about it at the time," replied the teller, coolly. "But, sir, I'm positive that you paid me ninety dol- lars too much. Suppose you weigh the last week's bag again," urged the young man. "Oh, if the mistake was that way, perhaps we did," replied the teller, putting the bag of gold dust on the scales again. " Godness ! I did make a mistake. Just ninety dollars and " " Here's your money," interrupted the young man, throwing down the amount in coin. "I'm very much obliged," said the teller; "for the mistake would have come out of my wages when we came to balance. I cannot thank you too much." The only man watching the transaction was the old slouch-hatted miner. He arose, fastened his eyes on the young man, then came and watched him pay the money back. Surprise filled his countenance. His eyes opened wide, and his lips fell apart with astonishment. Then, looking the honest young man straight in the face, he exclaimed: " Stranger, don't you feel mighty lone- some 'round here ?" SARATOGA SPRING FASHIONS. For the benefit of many young ladies who remain away from Saratoga, that beautiful spot where " The weary cease from troubling and the wicked are at rest," I send the following account of the latest watering place fashions: " Shoes are worn high in the neck, flounced with point aquille lace, cut on the bias. High heels are common in Saratoga, especially in the hop, room. Cot- ton hose, open at the top, are very much worn, some of them having as many as three holes in them. Cot- ton plows are not seen. " Children — Are made very forward this year, but they are very often dispensed with entirely for quiet toilets. They are too loud. A neat thing in babies can be made of drab pongee, gored and puckered to match the panier. Little boys ruffled, fluted, and cut on the bias to match the underskirt are very much worn. Many are worn all down to living skeletons by such fashionable ladies as Miss Management, Miss Usage, Miss Behavior, Miss Doing, and Miss Guid- ance. " Bonnets — Are worn high — none less than $35. They are made high in the instep and cut decollete in front, trimmed with the devilknowswhat, Low neck 33 bonnets with paniers are no longer worn. The front of the bonnet is now invariably worn behind. " Lovers — Are once more in the fashion. They are worn on the left side for afternoon toilets, and directly in front for evening ball-room costume. A nice thing in lovers can be made of hair (parted in the middle), a sickly moustache, bosom pin, cane and sleeve but- tons, dressed in checked cloth. Giant intellects are not fashionable in Saratoga this season. The broad, mass- ive, thick skull is generally preferred. The old lover trimmed with brains, character, and intelligence is no longer worn. " Dresses — Are not worn long — none over two days. They are trimmed with Wooster Street sauce, looped up with Westchester County lace, with monogram on 'em. Shake well and drink while hot. Inclose twenty-five cents for circular. " Eli de Perkins, Modist. " Hotel Oes Etats Unis, Saratoga, August, 1875." ABOUT CHILDREN. Yesterday Miss Miller said her friend, Mrs. Thompson, was wrapped up in a beautiful camel's hair shawl which she said she paid $2,000 for at Stewart's. "That's noth- ing at all," said my Uncle Con- sider. " I know a lady up in Litchfield who is wrapped up in a beautiful home-madj baby that she won't take $200,000 for!" Uncle Consider is crazy on home-made things. OF SUCH IS THE KINGDOM. LITTLE NELL. Little Nellie, whom we all see every day dancing around the parlors, won her mother's permission to sit up in the ball-room every night for a week, by prov- ing that she had four fathers. How did she do it ? This was the way : 34 35 " Now, ma, I have one more father than no little girl, haven't I? "Yes, pet." " Well, no little girl has three fathers ; and if I have one more father than no little girl, then I must have four fathers." Alas ! we've all got forefathers, but little Nellie went a step farther than us all in her logic. SIMPLICITY. Another little girl toddled up to a venerable " mother in Israel " yesterday who was lean- ing over engaged in reading, and, smoothing her little hand cautiously over the old lady's beautiful silver hair, she said: " Why, ou has dot such fun- ny hair — ou has." Then, paus- ing a moment, she looked up and inquired, " What made it so white ?" " Oh, the frosts of many win- ters turned it white, my little girl," replied the old lady. 11 Didn't it hurt ou ?" asked the little thing, in child- ish amazement. It was the first time she had ever seen gray hair. 