title: Plays for Merry Andrews,
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Infringement of copyrights will be prosecuted. ■-Jv -b li^u iCi,AG04511 CONTENTS Vote the New Moon, A Toy Play 5 At the Sign of the Thumb and Nose, An Unmorality Play 29 Uneasy Street, A Folk Play 63 The Silent Waiter, A Tragi-Comedy loi Monday, A Lame Minuet I43 VOTE THE NEW MOON A Toy Play To John Reed and Louise Bryant: In return for a mere Russian picture postcard. VOTE THE NEW MOON A Toy Play CHARACTERS THE TOWN CRIER BURGHER BURGESS CANDIDATE BLUE CANDIDATE RED THE CATFISH The Stage is dark and noiseless . . . sud- denly, a sound . . . like the sound of a stealthy step . . . suddenly, another . . . like the sound of a crier s bell . . . suddenly , a third . . . the sound of his sing- song . .. Burgher and Burgess of this town — dark has been dark entirely too long — dark has been dark since the old moon fell- a-flung to the river and a-gobbled by the Fish! Burgher and Burgess— return from your snooze — a moon helped us ever to see in the dark! — snooze too long and you'll snooze your sight away! — [7] Plays For Merry Andrews a burg is blind sans burgomaster! You know Vm not an alliterative pun- ster! — the affairs of this realm are so close to my heart, my heart's all a-riddle and a-riddle will remain, till you wake this election and vote the new moon! Light comes suddenly . . . behold a town-crier . . . who looks like a scarecrow . . . or a rag-doll . . . the stage is bare . . . buty like a magic property-man, he makes mathematic passes . . . and behold, in accordance with his next address, delivered with mysterious gusto . . . a sequence of building-blocks . beginning with a gate. You wouldn't be there, and I wouldn't be here — if this were not a play, and it did not have a plot — so: Here I stand at the gate to our town — let me step inside and prove it such — so! Presto, a house — a-painted blue — belongs to our Burgher — you'll see him anon! Presto, another — a-painted red — belongs to our Burgess — you'll see him too! Prestissimo, a third — a-painted like the first — belongs to one candidate — Candidate Blue! [8] Vote The New Moon Prestissimo, a fourth — a-painted like the second — belongs to his rival — Candidate Red! The fifth house— summit!— with the belfry a-top — that's the town-hall where burgomasters dwell — hark ye, it's been empty, since we slew the last- look down the lane, and you'll see a purple strip — the mystic little stream where we throw them when they're through — ex-burgomastersanddefeatedcandidates! — wherein Red or Blue, this day, is gobbled by the Fish — our longitudinous, latitudinous, altitudi- nous God — half of Him Cat, half of Him Fish, half of Him fur, half of Him scales, half of Him earth, half of Him water- half of Him life— the other half— death!! This isn't moonlight — it's mornlight, or dawn! — later, when the vote begins, the dark will return — then — suddenly — as sudden as a sword — what looks like a belfry will look like a moon — red or blue the color— and the dark dis- appear! Burgher, always for the blue, Burgess for [9] Plays For Merry Andrews the red — woe, if they vote no moon — oblivion would come! . .. Burgher and Burgess of this town — dark has been dark everlastingly long — wake — it's election day — vote your new moon! One for the blue — oh — one for the red! He raps on the Citizens' doors. after a pause. Burgher and Burgess pop out . .. like J acks'in-the-hox . . . the one in blue, the other in red . . . they look woefully thin and sleepy . .. their responses are categorical. CRIER — Morrow — Burgher — ^what means this tar- diness ? BURGHER — It means what it means — CRIER — Morrow — Burgess — why this laggard air? BURGESS — It means what it means — CRIER — Dolts — do you know what day this is ? DUO — We — do — CRIER — Oafs — aware how great it is? DUO — We — are — CRIER — Sensible of the need of it ? DUO — We — are — CRIER — Would you feel the loss of it ? DUO — We — would — CRIER — How would you feel the loss of it ? BURGHER — We wouldn't — BURGESS — Be able to see — CRIER — Would you like a loss like that ? DUO — We — would — CRIER — You — would ? [10] Vote The New Moon DUO — CRIER We — would — Louts — loons blockheads — how dare your ? — are you deaf? — deaf with sleep? — repeat! Would you like a loss like that ? We — wouldn't — Again — louder! We — wouldn't — Are you ready for the vote ? — pinch your- selves! We — are — Scratch your heads — kick yourselves! We — are — Then where are your party flags ? — flown ? —eh? Oh! Oh! Two pennants . . . a blue and a red . . . wriggle up the Citizens' flag-poles . . . flutter at the tops . .. Where are your party hammers? — eh? — oh? Oh! Oh! Hammers . . . harmless as to size appear in each right hand. .. DUO — CRIER — DUO — CRIER DUO CRIER — DUO — CRIER — DUO — CRIER — CRIER — DUO — CRIER CRIER — DUO — CRIER — BURGHER — CRIER — BURGESS — Will you vote as always ? We— will— You, Burgher, vote for Blue? I — ^will — ^glory to the moon! You, Burgess, vote for Red? I — will — glory to the moon! [II] Plays For Merry Andrews CRIER — Citizens — lift the hammer! Higher! — still higher! — don't smite yet! — attention! They had begun to rap each other, auto- matically, on the head . .. First let me hear your lilts — years are years — and old as you are — age as sleepy and stupid as yours — habit, itself, forgets itself — now! BURGHER — One for the blue — BURGESS — One for the red — CRIER — Good! BURGHER — One for the blue — BURGESS — One for the red — CRIER — That will do — BURGHER — One for the blue — BURGESS — One for the — CRIER — That — will — do! Now — face each other — are you ready? DUO — We — are — ready for the moon — CRIER — Citizens — beware — vote honestly! They rap and vote . . . 'one for the blue, one for the red' . . . but as they proceed, their strokes and voices grow feebler . . . meantime, the Crier, nodding to the drowsy tempo, has brought his attention back to the audience . .. One for the blue — one for the red — ^you hear, good folk — we shall soon see our moon — you see — special interest is felt in this hour — in that we've had up to the present hour — [12] Vote The New Moon one for the blue — one for the red — we've had up to the present era of our realm, seventy-two blue moons and seventy-two red!— so that particular interest invades this par- ticular election — one for the blue — one for the red — insofar as it will determine definitely and irrevocably — not alone who shall be our new burgo- master — but which shall be our seventy-third! — which definite and irrevocable decision is eHcited, you see — by the simplest, the most naive process in history — of — one for the blue — one for the red — of citizen smiting citizen on the head — until one or the other falls insensible — Accidentally, drowsily, somehow or other . the Citizens reverse their votes. BURGHER — One for the red — burgess — One for the blue — crier — What's that? — am I too falling asleep? — burgher — One for the red — crier — In consequence of this indigenous phenom- enon — to which Solon himself would have bent homage — burgess — One for the blue — CRIER — Am I dreaming? — excuse me while I listen! [13] Plays For Merry Andrews BURGHER — BURGESS — CRIER — CRIER The Citizens are no longer drowsy. they have stopped hammering . . . their voices, under the strange influence of the transposition of motives, have grown impudent. One for the red — One for the blue — Bones of dead moonbeams — what treachery is this ? The Citizens stop lilting and face front the hammers fall to the ground. Blood of the sacred stream — what regicide is this ? Burgher — what do you mean by, one for the red — Burgess — you, by, one for the blue? I mean — I mean — What do you mean ? We mean — We're tired — Tired? Of old moons — We want — You want ? — A new moon! Clowns — you'll have a new moon ? We'll not! Aren't you voting for one? We're not! This is perplexing — amazing — dumfound- ing! Dotards — ^what then are you voting for? [14] BURGHER — BURGESS — CRIER — BURGHER — BURGESS CRIER — BURGHER — BURGESS — CRIER — DUO — CRIER — DUO — CRIER — DUO — CRIER — Vote The New Moon DUO- crier DUO - CRIER DUO — The same old moon — BURGHER — A blue moon — BURGESS — Or a red — CRIER — You two are in league — you want a change? — ha! Burgher — you want a red now — Burgess — you a blue? How would that be a change? It wouldn't — Then you don't want a change? — Imbeciles — what do you want? — A change Ha — numbskulls — idiots — dissemblers — elucidate yourselves — your do and don't — spit it out — or I'll march you down the lane — into the river — into the Fish! DUO — Br! CRIER — Ha — begin! Hiding behind each other ifi turn and nudg- ing each other with secret encouragement. they speak. BLUE — Which of us — ^wins ? RED — Which of us — dies ? CRIER — Neither! DUO — Neither ? CRIER — The vote was interrupted — BLUE — Then why — are we called ? RED — An astonishing — precedent surely — BLUE — Never heard of before — RED — Nor written either — [i6 Vote The New Moon BLUE — It's not — in the charter — RED — The laws — statutes — decrees — CRIER — Silence — debate comes later — attention first to the rigmarole! BLUE — The — rigmarole ? RED — On — election day? BLUE — Never heard of before — RED — Nor written either — DUO — It's illegal! CRIER — Silence — heed the oflficial oath — strike your traditional poses and paces, as if it weren't election — now! The Candidates adhere to the methodical pos- tures and movements required by the rigmarole. CRIER — Make of your lips a hard straight line; parallel with them your eyes; make of your cheeks and chin two strict right angles, and of your ears and nose two more; have the part in your hair diameter your head, forehead, nose, lips and chin; stick your arms to your thorax and thighs. Have your legs move, since move they must, in imperceptible perpendiculars, like hidden two-four pendulums. And some day, so dignified a structure [17] Plays For Merry Andrews will be hailed, Burgomaster! BLUE — Now then! R^D — Let us crawl back to bed! crier — Sirrahs! RED Fm SO sleepy — BLUE So am I — RED No hour to call a candidate — BLUE It's too early — not yet dark — CRIER Precisely! DUO Precisely? CRIER Cease your prate — ^while I disclose — this most stupendous — most stupefying — this super-superlative phenomenon! DUO — Eh? CRIER Eye those two culprits — do you know them ? DUO — We— do! CRIER — Do you recall haranguing them ? BLUE — Many a time — RED — And often! CRIER — What has been ever and always the cause for your haranguing them? DUO — The — vote! CRIER — Which vote ? DUO — The vote for me! CRIER — Now, politic sirs — do you admit the following items ? Dark is dark without a moon ? DUO — We— do! CRIER — A burg is blind sans burgomaster? DUO We— do! [i8 Vote The New Moon CRIER — What elects the burgomaster? DUO — The — vote! CRIER Who select the vote ? DUO The — voters! CRIER And who and what elect the moon ? DUO I— do— by vote of the voters! CRIER How do you attain this dignity? BLUE Through numerical superiority — RED And the smiting insensible! CRIER Gaze upon yon twain! They do so . . . zvith a heightening consciousness of the situation . .. . . warily, the Citizens, the effort of listen- ing . .. the Crier furtively watching the latter . .. BLUE I come to you to-day — RED I come to you this day — BLUE With a profound appeal to your discrimi- nation — RED With the lofty purpose of lifting your thoughts on high — BLUE With the special intention of nobly cate- chising you — [22] Vote The New Moon BLUE — red — blue — DUO — red — BLUE — RED — Towards the duties and pleasures of the honored — In the duties and joys of those conferring honor — I who come to you this day — On me who come to you to-day — In behalf of the new-moon-to-be — The red moon — The blue moon! They glare at each other momentarily . .. like skinny dogs closing over the same old bone. BURGHER {sotto voce) — It's they who are in league! BURGESS {ditto) — They who conspire! BURGHER — Each spcaks like t'other — BURGESS — Each mouths like t'other — Silence — babblers ! Eh? Not ye — continue — majestic your orations! It is difficult — Very difficult — I've always spoken alone — to Burgher alone — I alone to Burgess alone! This is sorely non-customary — BLUE — Non-conformative — RED — Unwritten — BLUE — Unspoken — CRIER — Ye are noble as swans — sailing down-stream — sailing to victory — sailing to death — RED — I don't mind dying — BLUE — I've done it before — [23] CRIER — CANDIDATES CRIER BLUE — RED BLUE RED Plays For Merry Andrews RED — BLUE — BURGHER BURGESS CRIER CANDIDATES CRIER — RED — BLUE — RED BLUE — RED — BLUE — RED — BLUE — RED — BLUE — BURGHER — BURGESS — CANDIDATES - try to glower RED — BLUE — RED — BLUE — RED — your perora- I mind not sleeping — Not finishing sleeping — Fraudulent — Frauds — Silence — rabble! -Eh? Not ye — continue — inflate tions! I need hardly testify — Quite superfluous the occasion — That the moon I glorify — Of celebrating the personality — That all-seeing crimson semi-circle — Of the all-cleaving azure scimitar — Infesting all-dark with all-light — Hewing, slashing all-black with all-white — Incontestably bringing day to your night — Bedecking your heads with splinters so bright — You hear? — How they rhyme ? — And making manifest to you — They stop and glower at each other . .. The potency of rouge — impotence of bluish — Eh, of sapphire, turquoise, lapis lazuli? — impotence of pinkish! — Eh, of scarlet, carbuncle, flush of the rose ? — Flush of the tomato! — Red which brings blushes to women — [24] Vote The New Moon love and desire to men ? — blue — Blue which kindles the eyes of women — kindles the veins of men ? — RED — Blue which you taste in milk, half water ? — burgher — Milk left standing too long turns to water — BLUE — Burgher! I'm aghast! BURGESS — Red sunsets are made of dead dawns — RED — Burgess! Fm smitten! CANDIDATES — What does this mean ? CRIER — Louder, mutes — harangue them — silence them — deafen them^deaden them! — CANDIDATES — Damn them! CITIZENS — Damn theml CANDIDATES — Damn them to the moon — CITIZENS — Damn them to the moon — CANDIDATES — Damn them to the river — CITIZENS — Damn them to the Catfish — CANDIDATES — Oh, damn the Catfish! — CRIER — Mutiny — insurrection — revolution — homicide — fratricide — patricide ! — sacred purple Cat — sacred purple Fish — pardon — mercy — mercy — pardon ! — QUARTETTE — Damn the Catfish!! CRIER — Sacrilege!! Immediately . . . from the river . . . there comes an ominous crescendo . . . swish . . . szvish . . . flop . .. QUARTETTE — What was that ? CRIER — Save yourselves — harangue — vote — vote — harangue — [25] Plays For Merry Andrews or vengeance will fall! — vote — harangue — harangue — vote — death and perdition — voices — lungs — bellows — roar! Darkness shrouds the scene . . . a weird violet light creeps jrom the river . . . rises gradually. . . like a spectre . .. CRIER — The light — the fumes — the dead are rising — moons — burgomasters — people — the blue — the red — all purple! RED — V-vote for the blue moon — I m-mean for the red — BLUE V-vote for the red moon — I m-mean for the blue — CRIER Blunderers! BURGHER One for the purple — BURGESS One for the purple — BURGHER One for the purple — BURGESS One for the purple CRIER Blasphemers! — an evil spirit's got you! — Fish — mercy — pardon — CANDIDATES — V-vote for the Fish! — CITIZENS One for the purple — One for the purple — The sound of hammer blows grows louder. more rapid . . . din . . . clatter . . . groans CRIER Burgher — Burgess — smite each other\ — not them!- each other! — can't you see? [26I Vote The New Moon BURGHER — BURGESS CRIER BURGESS CRIER BURGHER — Die, dog! — CRIER — Burgher — youVe killed him — your man — your moon — And ril gobble him! — Die, dog! — Burgess — you've killed him — your man — your moon — ril devour him! I hear crunching of bones! — help — murder — cannibals — ghouls ! — Burgher's swallowed Blue — Burgess, Red! now they're eating each other!! — Crunch for the purple — Crunch for the purple — Speak — Burgher — Burgess — which is it? which swallowed which ? — CATFISH (in sepulchral tone) — The — Fish!! I — swallowed — them all!! Monster ! — demon ! — save me! — spare me!! I'll spare you! My belly's full! The violet has deepened to purple one can now see a huge, misshapen figure . ,. times the girth of Candidates and Citizens . . . a com- plete purple resemblance . . . with appendages of whiskers, fins and tail. CRIER — My Master — King — [27] BURGHER — BURGESS — CRIER — CRIER CATFISH — four Plays For Merry Andrews CATFISH — Your — Fate! Down — dog! The Crier falls on all fours . . . so does the Catfish . .. CATFISH — To the town hall! crier — To the — town — hall! He crawls to the entrance of the town hall . . the Catfish follows pompously . . . the Crier throws open the door . . . announces . .. The new B-burgomaster! The Catfish enters . . . instanta- neously, a moon appears in the belfry . . . purple . the Crier sees it and rises. The new M-moon! Purple! Color of kingship! Woe!! J frightful hubbub inside the hall . .. What does it mean ? — what — is it — now? He disappears . . . the hubbub ceases . • . . . suddenly, the ghostly, terror-stricken face of the Crier appears in the belfry . . . like a Jack-in-the-box moon-face profile . . . he pulls the invisible rope, and the bell tolls . . . more like a dirge, than a paean . . . he tries to sing-song categorically . .. H-hark ye — h-hear ye — the old moon is d-dead— 1-long live — the n-new!! CURTAIN. [28] AT THE SIGN OF THUMB AND NOSE An Unmorality Play AT THE SIGN OF THE THUMB AND NOSE An Unmorality Play AL QUE QUIERE! Sandpapered with the affection of his ego, this gentle screed is dedicated by its author for the scratching of the egos of: CONRAD AIKEN, ORRICK JOHNS, CARL SANDBURG, WALLACE STEVENS, WILLIAM CARLOS WILLIAMS in distinction of and contradistinction to: JESSIE AIKEN, GRACE JOHNS, LILLIAN SANDBURG, / ELSIE STEVENS, ^ FLORENCE WILLIAMS, DOROTHY KREYMBORG — whom it may concern! [31 AT THE SIGN OF THE THUMB AND NOSE An Unmorality Play CHARACTERS EGO, the innkeeper. twins who desire the same lady. PROPER I IMPROPER J BELLY, who cannot eat. LAZY, who cannot dream. FASTIDIOUS, whose intellect is awry. LADY, who desires not Proper and Improper. A small inn, anyhow, anywhere, anytime; bar, with kitchen beyond, through a door; three or four tables; the dingy atmosphere of a cellar; the symbol of the inn over the bar. A door of ingress and egress. Forlorn-looking denizens: Proper and Lazy at one table, with a manuscript between them; Improper and Belly at another, the latter eat- ing and drinking; Fastidious at a third, smoking an aristo- cratic cheroot; Ego behind the bar, irascibly cleaning mugs and glasses. Their physical attributes, bearing and attire characteristically grotesque. They might be mistaken for gargoyles on a holiday. The tempo is that of a pompous dynamo rollicking. PROPER — Disaster again, good Lazy.? Gods of ca- lamity — ^what is it this time .? [33 1 Plays For Merry Andrews LAZY — PROPER FASTIDIOUS — IMPROPER BELLY PROPER LAZY PROPER FASTIDIOUS IMPROPER - The same tearful extremity, Proper — though a strong phrase or two put to sea they'll Split on mere commas when stupidity blows! Your compass is clouded, that's all, for the nonce — wipe it off — still finer phrases will gleam like galleons — captain them haven- ward! I'll be utterly and abysmally undone — I told her I'd bring her a poem so ethereal, breathed upon by my ineffable thought of her, housed in the safe bark of your well- ribbed artistry — Overburdened with adjectives, cavilling metaphors — Doddering moonshine. Fastidious — I can't eat, I can't drink — I vowed her I'd bring it this night to her lattice! She rejected my others as were she an editrice! The sin was mine, not yours, good Lazy — Now, this latest and most shimmeringly seductive of all the products of my love and your invention — sends forth fragrance of hyacinths — Exhalation of ineptitude — Stench of chicken entrails — [341 At The Sign Of The Thumb And Nose BELLY — My palate's green, my appetite pink — PROPER Silence, ye! The start is so winsome, sweet Lazy — lilt it aloud once again. and the coda will come of the da capo! FASTIDIOUS No! IMPROPER No! BELLY No! PROPER Master, I appeal to you. Improper, how is this right manifested ? What the I feels, thinks or wants, the I is free to feel, think or want — regardless of neighbors. Neighbors, ah — and what are neighbors, Lazy ? Any body or thing which isn't the I, and — Any body or thing which interferes with the I! You needn't respond. Fastidious — you're conscience itself in our midst! Belly, how does the self premonstrate in you.? BELLY — I maintain a stomach, and ways to that [37] EGO PROPER EGO — IMPROPER EGO LAZY — FASTIDIOUS EGO Plays For Merry Andrews EGO- LAZY EGO FASTIDIOUS EGO IMPROPER PROPER EGO IMPROPER PROPER — Stomach — they are hungry — I eat and drink — the stomach and its ways go back to sleep! Lazy, how premonstrate in you? If I do not dream, there's no concern for the morrow, without which concern for the morrow, to-day dies! Cleverly vocalized — and you. Fastid- ious — If I weren't a logician, there'd be no concern for to-day, without which to-day, to-morrow would never be born! Brave pragmatist, your job is no simple- ton's! Improper — I've no teeth for masticating theories — Nor I! Mutiny! The self remonstrates in me — my blood's a torrent with it — my senses wild hounds — the flesh I crave has the shape of a woman — a terrible creature with eyes, mouth, arms, limbs — A being more vaporous than perfume — to whom I pray as were she a goddess, to whom I shall throw my carcass, impediment of my spirit — 38 At The Sign Of The Thumb And Nose as sacrifice of my self to her self — EGO — Sacrileglsts! PROPER — Would you have us ape what we no longer believe ? EGO Conspirators! IMPROPER Ape the sanctimonious, like Fastidious? FASTIDIOUS Sirrah! EGO Infidels — atheists — PROPER Freethinkers — IMPROPER Latitudinarians! Ego comes forward and stations himself behind Fastidious. EGO — PROPER IMPROPER BELLY EGO Numskulls — how can thought be free, slave to a woman ? I am no longer I — I am she — and freer than ever I was in this den! I'll turn her into me — and me into her — and be the bigger I for it — Like a body plus a round fat squab! This is insurrection! Wash you two clean or throw you to the gutter I have gentler eloquence for preaching mug-souls! He points a piratical six-shooter at the twins and waves it about with humorous carelessness. THE COMPANY — Master, Master! PROPER — • improper — PROPER improper — Spare us — Spare us — Excellency! Sovereign! [39 Plays For Merry Andrews EGO — {slipping the weapon out of sight) — You recall a tune I adore. I thought you'd forgotten it — maybe you have! Lazy, the friendly little air you composed years ago— will you beat choir-master? LAZY — That was in the days of rhyme, sir! FASTIDIOUS — Rhyming was law till you turned icono- clast! THE COMPANY — {as Lazy beats time) — Master Ego, Master Ego, we are you, and you are we-oh! BELLY — I am the body which provideth thee nourishment — FASTIDIOUS — I the cool brain which counseleth thy flourishment — LAZY — I the high bird which wingeth thy soul — THE TWINS — We the harriers which bring thee thy dole — THE COMPANY — Sovereign Ego, Sovereign Ego, we are you, and you are we-oh! FASTIDIOUS — That couplet still smiteth my ear-drum! EGO — And now, gentlemen — setting aside the prerogative of matter over spirit — ready as I am to admit my haste in the introduction of the firearm — and assuming, instead, that there's a moiety of excuse for the condition, and the action consequent thereupon, of [40] At The Sign Of The Thumb And Nose LAZY- BELLY EGO — FASTIDIOUS EGO — FASTIDIOUS — THE TWINS — THE COMPANY EGO our beloved culprits — Adorable Proper — Good my-brother Properim — A condition we cannot easily surmise, so strange is its intrusion in this hallowed place — Perdition take all non-conformity — Setting aside the firearm as primitive, primeval — let us approach this affair with the beneficent taper of civilized justice. It is possible our society has grown a trifle complex. With complexity, a certain measure of discomfiture will invade its person. Elements in themselves are as pure as little children, but when elements begin to assert them- selves — as is only natural of them under the urge of self-preservation — they come into contact with neighbor elements — without premeditation, without malice — Wise Master! We love each other — And thee. Master! In consequence of this disrupting phe- nomenon, it behooves me to assume, and to act directly, not tentatively, on the assumption, [41] Plays For Merry Andrews that our law is in need of some slight re- vision or amendment — FASTIDIOUS — Not revision or amendment! EGO — Let me then say, of elongation! THE COMPANY — Hail, elongation! EGO — Each in his own way, equally with the rest, each is an I-am-I — we revamped that article a moment ago. But the prime and tragically urgent fac- tor is, it seems now, to wit, that we are living together, inside the dimensions vouchsafed to one and all our exquisite amity of the past hid the boundaries of, dimensions this event has bared like a wound — so that we become that part which hurts us most — and must turn physicians for its cure — or surgeons for its removal — FASTIDIOUS — You grow involved, wise Master! EGO — The event thus proves that our being an I-am-I insinuates relationship to an I-am-you, from which relationship new evaluations must be suckled. Proper has expressed a want for an out- side entity, whose cognomen we wot not of. Improper has expressed a want of an [42] At The Sign Of The Thumb And Nose opposite tendency, parallel in po- tency, for the same person. Diversely, it seems that this foreign entity, for hindrances best known to her con- sciousness — doubtless because she's likewise an I-am-I, with desires and volitions of her own — has expressed thus far, so we learn, as little desire for our twins as they've vaunted much desire for her — in fact, none at all! THE TWINS — She would if it weren't for him! EGO — We've heard that palaver for days now — hush! And we've been advised, and painful the advisement, that Belly cannot eat, Lazy not finish his verses. Fastidious not ruminate, because of the irrelationship of the twins and this person! THE COMPANY — Excellency! EGO — We made our error at the outset — like Lazy, we began our poem with brave phrases which split on the first rock of disagree- ment. Let us begin with a new premise — and instead of quarreling, instead of re- verting to firearms, we will agree. THE COMPANY — Agree.? [43] Plays For Merry Andrews EGO — FASTIDIOUS EGO Ready to consider contradiction on any paragraph of it, my suggestion is this: Let Fastidious aid Lazy with Proper's poem! That abominal eschewing of metre and rhyme ? Your past and his present will embrace in time — haven't you revised all his work so far? Hither, Lazy! Lazy comes to their table. Fastidious re- luctantly makes room for him and the manuscript. They begin revising. You, Belly, return to your eating and drinking — our brains require the cheer of your fuel for devising what we have to devise. BELLY — Stuff this porridge down my gullet ? EGO — I'll bake you a pheasant later! BELLY — Chef de cuisine! EGO — You, Proper and Improper, prepare yourselves for the combat! THE TWINS — Combat ? EGO — Array yourselves — make ready the fire of your hearts and the sagacity of your souls — for the one last courtship! THE TWINS — Last courtship ? EGO — You are to make her ours — THE COMPANY - — Ours? EGO — And failing to make her ours — 44 THE TWINS EGO — THE TWINS EGO — barbarously. At The Sign Of The Thumb And Nose you are to unmake her yours — you must renounce her! Master! Obedience! I feel the firearm tickling my ribs! Which is your choice ? Obedience! Gird yourselves! They do so — Proper daintily, Improper Go to the lattice of your fair and urge her thither! Her I-am-I shall become an I-am-us — or you return empty-handed! IMPROPER — Empty-handed ? EGO — And never steal forth again in quest of foreign entities! Personally, I have no concern whatsoever, whether you return full-handed or empty — though the maid might amuse me a tittle. Are you ready? PROPER — One moment more for this crooked plume! IMPROPER — By my blood, Vm ready! EGO — And you. Belly — how is the fuel? BELLY — The fuel begins to go down. EGO — And you, poet and critic — FASTIDIOUS — The last line is egregiously banal — EGO — Read it. Lazy — 45 Plays For Merry Andrews EGO THE TWINS — EGO — LAZY — And my heart lifts and falls to your sun and moon! It will do! Give the thing to Proper! Proper and Improper — attention — are you prepared? Prepared! You may depart. They start to leave. Stop! Have you forgotten your manners ? Where is the sign? With a flourish, they exchange the deb- onair sign of the inn with the others. Ego alone refraining. Exeunt Proper and Improper. Pause. Lazy and Fas- tidious separate; Belly continues to eat; Ego goes towards the kitchen. Diminuendo ritardando. Whither wend you, Master? To the kitchen — and the pheasant. Is it surely a pheasant? While these carping dreamers were here — it was, patient Belly — but now they are gone, it's a goose. 'Twill do. Ego disappears. Illusion's the window-shade Nature draws between desire and reaUty. BELLY — Who am I to twist my nose from a goose ? LAZY — When one is hungry, geese smell Hke myrrh ! BELLY — When one is hungry, geese smell like BELLY — EGO — BELLY — EGO — BELLY FASTIDIOUS geese! 46 At The Sign Of The Thumb And Nose And I'm hungry again — blessed that jade who whinnied them off— LAZY — The twins ? And I can juggle my thoughts — I see a monkey — another — another — where's my parchment ? He rummages in the drawer of a table. FASTIDIOUS — And that problem which engaged me a week ago — was I duelling with a shadow — did it fear the brawn of my brain — ah! Sings — If a rondel and a rondeau give birth to a child— they'll give birth to a child, that is cer- tain. Mere Rondel touched Pere Rondeau — once on his upper lip, once on his lower — she'll have a wee child in the fall — belly — (sings) — Pig, swine, boar, hog, sow, kings of quadruped avoirdupois — pork, knuckle, ham, bacon, chop — half of you lean and half of you fat — you and the butcher keep a biped round! FASTIDIOUS — Cease thy doggerel! Sings — what shall we name the child, queried Pere Rondeau — what shall we name the child, queried Mere Rondel ? 47 Plays For Merry Andrews If rondel wed rondeau in all propriety — LAZY — The child's name ought to be, Rondelay! FASTIDIOUS — You thieving baboon — LAZY — (sings) — I am four monkeys. One hangs from a limb, tail-wise, chattering at the earth; another is cramming his belly with cocoanut; the third is up in the top branches, quizzing the sky; and the fourth — he's chasing another monkey. How many monkeys are you ^ BELLY (sings) If you press your finger — be it here or be it there — I'll give way like a dimpling baby — take away your finger — be it here or be it there — the dimple's gone and I'm baby again! Oh — I have a pain, a cramp — something is sticking me! Crescendo accelerando. LAZY What is it. Belly.? FASTIDIOUS I, too — my apparatus is pricked — the shadow has got me — LAZY There's a tail round my neck — what is it — oh! FASTIDIOUS It's you and your obscene ditties — LAZY It is they! FASTIDIOUS Who.? [48 At The Sign Of The Thumb And Nose LAZY — Proper and Improper — BELLY They've reached the female brothel — FASTIDIOUS Yes, otherwise — BELLY My appetitie wouldn't be dead — the goose stinks like a hedgehog — LAZY Something terrible is happening — BELLY I can feel it — FASTIDIOUS — I visualize — LAZY Master! FASTIDIOUS — Master! BELLY — Master! Ego comes running out. EGO — What has smitten you now ? LAZY A calamity — FASTIDIOUS — A holocaust — BELLY The hounds and the bitch — EGO What is it? Oh — I feel it myself — the scoundrels — what are they doing — the minx — what is she doing — something terrible is happening! THE TRIO — Master — ^what is it? Sounds of scuffling without. LAZY — The twins are fighting — FASTIDIOUS — She must have banished them — BELLY — My coin on Improper — LAZY — Gentle Proper — save him, Master! FASTIDIOUS — Give them lead! EGO Drawing his pistol — Give them death! waving his arms. Proper bursts into the inn, breathless. [49] Plays For Merry Andrews PROPER — Master, Master — save her, Master! Improper strides in pompously dragging the lady by her long golden hair. THE COMPANY — Ah! EGO LADY — EGO LADY — EGO LADY EGO LADY Take your hand from those tresses! Improper sees the pistol and obeys. 