Punch 1857: Vol 32
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$ / “yf y Uf Girgy PR LALO FLEET STREBT, 85, f Zz “ ~ a Zi ° 4 >) oO a fx, ) = ee Ms ee = = >) <2) mn — mt =a Dp oe oa = ae = ~ rs) x 4 = S oS 4 2 » = a 4 - fet le jis Tam wa \ SAT) re iit } Ne ie oe i if "A (\) | f o a) | 7 ‘ ' } | LoypPpose BRADDOURT AND EVANS, PRINTERS, THITEPRIARS. UNCTUAL (like American fashions) to French time, which is rather faster, especially on the Tuileries’ clock, than that of England, His Serene Highness, the Comer, duly arrived on the appointed date. As other foreign illustriousnesses are sometimes attended by a scent of consumed cigars, H. 8S. H. was accompanied by an odour as of burned-out planets. His head in a wide-awake, and his tail enveloped in asbestos continuations, H. 8. H. hastened to report himself under St. Bride’s. “ What ’s brought you?” said Mr. Puncu—whose maxim, debellare superbos, is ever before him. “ Why, I was prophesied,” replied the Comer, humbly, “ and I did not like to disgrace Science, who has been so fortunate in all her predictions of late years.” “True,” replied Mrz. Puncu, more graciously. “ Very true. Gzrornce SrerHenson was never to drive a railway car more than eight miles an hour—Steam across the Atlantic was impossible—the Crystal Palace must crunch up by vibration, or be blown to sea by the winds—and now the Telegraph to America will not carry a message, and the Great Eastern is an ark to which no dove will bring a dividend. You are right, Scrznce has been happy in her auguries, and she foretold you. You are welcome. Sit down, if your arrangements permit that attitude.” The Comzt, severing asunder his glittering tail as easily as one of Psren Witxins’s Flying Indians adjusted her graundee, took a chair. “ May I ask what news is stirring?” said H. 8. H. “In our Earth?” asked Mr. Poncnu. “ Well, none. The four Continents are at peace—” “Eh?” said the Comer. “I took Chima, America, and Algeria in my way, and gun-boats were throwing shells, Filibusters were engaging regulars, and Zouaves were driving dark fellows into caves—” “If your Serene Highness had been kind enough to hear me out,” said Ma. Punca, “I was going to add—the four Continents, with the exception of Asia, Africa, and America. In Europe we are keeping the peace with great solemnity. Lovis Narotzon, setting example, insists on such extreme peace, that even at his elections, His Majesty objects to opposition candidates. Atexanper sends the gentle Constantine iv PREFACE. [Joxe 27, 1857. | to count Finglish and French guns, as he would not own one more for the world—no, not for Con- | stantinople. Francis Josern, too, has a brother Maximitian, and he is here to express the ecstacy of Austria at the prospect of our Prussian alliance being drawn closer by Hymen.” “ Tu, felia Austria, nube,’ said the Comet, “is a hint which he delights to find others can take.” “ Nube—in a cloud,” said Mr. Puncn, smiling. ‘A passable jést from a Highness from Cloud- land, but searcely bright enough for me—however—let it go. Then, your Serene Highness, in Belgium, Leorotp the Astute, finding the priests flying something too frantically at the throat of Liserry, has flogged them off, for the hour; but she will never walk about in peace, poor thing, until they are chained up as the Belgian people will chain them in the next Revolution. Pius tux Nintu is making progress—do not start—only through his dominions, crowning pictures of the Virgin, which Wink with pleasure, and actually mutter “La Saterre.” The innocent Isanerta again muses on the sweet joys of maternity, and vows, should she be blessed with a daughter, to make her an example of all the Virtues, to which end baby is to be sent from Spain before she can even see.” “ And your own Queen?” “Is troubled, thank Providence, by no greater care than the direction of the baptism of Paincess Bearaice, and the consideration whether at the Hanpew Festival, the Conquering Hero should come twice.” “And Loap Patmerston. I have had an eye on him for these seventy-three years,’ said the Comer. “He was born at Broadlands, you astrological humbug,” said Mr. Puwem, “ where I hope he will spend many 4 jolly year yet, especially his Reform Bill Year, now fixed as 1858.” “Lorn Patmenston a Reformer,” said the Comer, looking troubled. “Hm. Well. Ah!” “ Don’t mutter in that way,” said Mr. Puncn. “If you know anything, out with it like a man | and a Comet, if not, don’t be mysterious. Lorp Patmerston has promised a Reform Bill for next year, and I am going to keep him up to his work in my Tarxtry-Turrp Votume—” “Ts the Tuirty-Seconp complete?” said the Comer, tremulously. “ Complete,” said Mr. Puncnu. “I present you with a copy. Here!” “If a New Volume of Puncn is to be launched, I’m sure the world watts no Comet,” cried the individual in asbestos trowsers. “I shall not show.” And he bolted through the window into infinite space, taking with him, for the edification of the Solar System, VOL, XXXII. i} if ihe | th ¥ | | CHRISTMAS IN THE WORKHOUSE, Me PUNCH,—“ Possibly, for what I am about to observe, many of | why need I proceed? The columns of the newspaper steamed like an | * your readers will set me down asa person of exceeding selfishness, with both my eyes always turned upon Number One. For that, Sir, I do not care a single snowball. You will print my letter, I shall be talked | about, and that is the grand thing. A dog with a tin-kettle tied to his tail has, in my opinion, more than compensation for the inconvenience: for with every bang of the kettle, and every muscular spasm of his tail, he has still a greater number of people to stare and shout at him. “ Mr. Punch, 1 am perfectly sick of the maudlin sympathy and twaddle that call people men and brothers. It is all humbug, Sir ere were two brothers at the beginning, and didn’t one brother find the other brother one brother too many? We shall never get on as we ought to do, until we make every man, woman, and child, go upon their own hook. I consider the invention of poor-rates as a bit of howling cant ; and look upon the collector of that particular tax as very little better than an unduly licensed ticket-of-leave. Let me explain, Mr. Punch. “Thursday showed its honest Christmas-head ‘once again to my great | satisfaction. For I am a person very well-to-do; can buy my own Christmas Turkey ; draw my own port; and, in’a word, don’t owe— and don’t intend to owe—any man the value of a Christmas chesnut. Why, then, for the sake of a maudlin sympathy and cant as hollow as a showman’s drum, why should I be pillaged of my money, to feed and may a lot of paupers, who are only poor and destitute, because they have been idle, profligate, or unfortunate, which, be the case as it may, im no manner ought to concern me ? en and brothers may be very well in their way, but a man who begs ceases to be a man; and a brother lying in a door-way, is, at the best only a shabby step-brother ! “Now, Sir, to return to that good old institution, Christmas Day. I enjoyed myself, as I always do,—and I may confidently say it, charmed and delighted a large dean, as I always do, on that day. consciousness of ready-money ; and a man who can lay his head upon alderman’s kitchen; and that with Christmas dinners to Christmas paupers ! “Now, Sir, I have had my larder three times thoroughly burglary- | fied. On the first occasion the burglars carried off the very respectable | Sweet is the | his banker’s book, has the best right of all men to pleasant dreams. [| rejoiced my heartiest, and slept my soundest. “The Friday morning brought me my morning paper. What was my disgust to see a sickly sentimentality paraded in capital type as follows—‘Curistuas Day rs tue Wonxnouse!’ I read that in Marylebone the pau ~— roast beef ‘without, bone, and po end of -pudding. In St. Pancras, besides beef and pudding, ury’s , tobacco and snuff. In Fulham Union, fruit and nuts; in—but remains of a cold shoulder-of-mutton; on the second, a whole partridge (forwarded to me by an anonymous admirer); and on_the third, the model of a Swiss mouse-trap. attribute these midnight atrocities, but to the pampered tastes of paupers? These workhouse people are, from time to time, let out upon society, and, with a full remembrance of their workhouse beef and beer, with their appetites vitiated b they will not starve quietly and larder! And when I spoke of the burglary to a policeman, casually naming the lost mouse-trap, he said—‘ That’s nothing to what it would be: paupers let out of workhouses couldn’t do without their glass of punch, and I’d better keep a sharp look-out for my sugar-basin and emon-squeezer.’ “Now, Sir, I have one remedy for all this. People who can’t, as I say, depend wpon their own hook, ought not to be allowed to hang upon other ge pockets. 1 would therefore manfully put down a morbid humanity, and at the same time abolish the poor’s rates. To which end I would have clear work made of all the unions. I would have all the paupers seized and packed aboard ships (we have plenty of them) previously condemned. The vessels should be navigated into deep water (say the middle of the Atlantic) and there and then with a firm Rand, scutt (Of course, one sea-worthy vessel should provide for the safety of the persons sent upon duty.) Seuttled is the word; and when, in fancy, I might behold ‘some strong swim- mer’—pauper I mean—‘in his agony,’ and at the same time should think how he had pulled at my pocket, I should of course complacently wonder how he liked it. “Such a scuttling would be a fine, wholesome, corrective sight to anybody who should have the luck to see it, and at the same time would be a mortal blow to maudlin humanity. Such is my honest opinion : and as for the howling cant of your ‘men and brothers’ for that, and that ten times over, I do not eare three scrapes of a tin fiddle ; and so I remain, “ No.1, Self Street, Dec. 27.” “Asotnen Loxpow Scounnnet.” ecently, but—they burglaryfy my VOL, XXXII. Well, to what am I to | morbid humanity and tobacco— | PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. MARY ANN’S NOTIONS. gak Mar. Puwcn,—I wish you a happy new year!' I consider that you ought t« have printed the letter I sent to you from the country about the man who starved his child. It was very well written, and not the least hit in the world too strong You are much too fastidious, and I can tell you that your lady-readers would like u a great deal better if you did not affect to dreadfully moderate just : We do about moderation tice,* and we like There is a scolding for you, because you have suppre sed my nice letter. *T have heard nothing but talk about the Income- Tax for more than a week. I quite understand the question, and | wonder can be two opinions about it.6 It is most ridiculous to talk m’s being taxed more than another, if the incomes are A hundred sovereigns are (or is, which is it?’) a hundred guns, and while you receive them, that is your income, and when not receive them you cease to have that income.’ So that ople ought to pay and not make a fuss. Besides, what meanness in men to ) lire about such sums. What is sixteen pence to man who earns hundreds ? Why Avucustus gives eight pence apiece cigars, and by leaving off two of those he would pay sixteen pence t that the Government will get much out of him, an idle ! And then, if sixteen pence in a hundred pounds’ is such don’t you work harder and earn a little more, and pay the of that ? I have no patience with such nonsense But men ve something to grumble and growl at. Presently you will in that the QueEN wears a gold crown, and will vote that she he s and not care and ju heart have an clectrotype one re was avery sensible thing said in the paper on Saturday g. Papa, in his condescending Parliamentary way, dear old thing, handed Mamma and me the 7imes, instead of keeping it all break fast, saying, ‘ | observe that a considerable portion of to is impression s devoted to an analysis of the Christmas entertainments provided at the metropolitan places of public amusement , and as this may have an interest for yourselves, my loves, which I am free to confess it does not possess for me, I beg leave to lay the paper on the table.’ But I have to say that L did not read all the accounts of the pantomimes, because I hate to know what I am going to see," and I did read one of the political articles, and I was struck with a bit of advice which it gave to men who are so dreadfully afraid that they shall not be rich enough to support their wives and children. It was something like this, ‘Let a young gentleman work a great deal harder than he does. It will not kill him are necessaries but which are not.’ “1 should think so. Che other hint about doing without a good many things that you really do not want, was very good indeed. Now, there are tailors’ bills. A man must dress as a gentleman, or he would not be fit to go out with his wife,”* but a married man cannot dress too plainly, and if he takes care of his things he ought not to want many suits in a year Then, smoking he ought to give up entirely, it is an acquired habit, and highly pernicious. As for wine, there might be great saving there. Men like ‘their own wine,’” and give wicked sums of money for it, [Janvary 3, 1857. while ‘a light sherry,’ or something with as much flayour as camomile | tea, is good enough for their wives. How a husband can drink port wine at five guineas a bin ™ or whatever it is, while his wife very likely wants uew furniture or some other necessary, is to me marvellous! | But if a husband retrenehes his tailor and wine-merchant, and leaves off tobaceo, he may put away money enough to pay the Income-Tax | without electrotyping the Quzzy’s crown, or making his wife ashamed | of his meanness Ought to enjoy himself?’ Of course, he ought. What does he marry for, except because he thinks it will make him happier? But let him enjoy himself rationally. If he saved his money in the way | mention, he could keep a little Brougham for his wife, and they could have drives together, if my lord would condescend to honour her with Let him come home, too, in the evening, as soon as his und read a novel to her, or take her to the Ope ra (orders easily got, | know, if he is too mean to pay), or to a concert. Or ly walk up and down and jook at the shops, it is better than his sitting in the smoking-room of a club, drinking gin-slings and hearing stories,which can m no way concern him, and only give him a bad opinion of woman’s nature, which would be perfect if you all did not spoil it by flattering hypocrisy before marriage and rudeness and neglect afterwards. If a husband led the life I have advised, he would come home complaining that the ‘demands on his physical powers excessive ;’ indeed he would find new interest in his business, no other excitement to occupy his mind, and soon be rich, and able to take her™ a country his company work iret I they on 5 done not were because there would be l dare say he would house “I hope \l hear no more nonsense about the Income- Tax, but that men will make up their minds to work harder, and save | more. that we * Yours, affectionately, “© Monday.” “ Mary Any.” sod many of them. Besides, what do you cal! stror er a slow fire and flogged to death, ut reading of an act of cruelty, » you, dear Mias, no dictation to Us " e hanged ' The sa 2 Once m g, if nota suggestion that und | transports i re in satural rage your rage d it Mere spit ‘ Tru I 5 So do we 7, @ wine-glass of cateup, or of port-wine in the gravy r neat cannot be too rich, mind that is @ great 6 We y with a good little girl she is. ncy—find the rule and apply it. mebody with tw and your flippa position we were only that, Str G. C. L. might plunder us till he became a states- n, or, to take a shorter date, till the end of time. » Women's hypotheses are always useless and often impertinent. ' A neat hint to Papa to call on Mr. Sama. ? Mary Aww, how vulgar. Say ‘‘ who finds time for inactivity.” 'S Do you know any single sisters of these remarkable women? Because we have sons, and ask the question for a reason. 4 Not long, at all events, in accepting the invitation, Ss Ah! * Ah! ’ You said that you knew good wine from bad, or we promise you that never a line of yours should have appeared in these columns. * «That pretty bin,” as SHAKSPeARE says, indicates imperfect information, M. A. * Her! We are not particular with you, but really you must bring your relatives and antecedents closer » Look at Note 8, and your text. next ictler We expect explanation and apology in your LORD_ PALMERSTON A “BRICK.” Tue Herald declares that the Paowe Movister and the people of England are equally in a disgraced position. The Premier for his utterance of wretched excuses in the matter of the Conference, and the people for the ignorant greediness with which they swallow them. Our daily teacher then puts forth the following profound apologue :— “We have heard of a shark which once swallowed a heated brick wrapped in a greasy blanket, and naturally underwent some very severe internal revolutions. Let the public beware of a similar result.” But has not the public any antidote? Granted that the public swallows the heated rick Patmerston im a greasy blanket; has not the public its daily remedy in the wet blanket issued every morning in | the Herald 7? A Hint to the Crystal Palace Directors. Amonest the plaster statues commemorative of commerce and geography, set up along the great terrace, suppose Mr. Fereuson were to have erected an Africa, not in plaster of Paris, but hewn out if “ Living Stone.” Aw Exasrerarmve Necessity.—People grumble at the probable cost of the new expedition against Persia. As if it were possible to | arrive at “’Erat ” without granting a present “Sum.” and wrote | ned he | But | uy I yald vith | his | lers Or | han and ma | did and | yuld vers | ess, and atry | | Janvary 3, 1857.] THE NEEDS OF THE CLERGY. We have much pleasure in quoting, from the Morning Herald the | following statement to the credit and renown of a British bishop :— | direc “ Eersoopat Lapenatrry.—The —_ Brsnor oF re ty ae - Brisror. ~ vided lodgings at his own expense every candidate ie recent ordination, a ted that all their needs should be promptly and liberally supplied. | r ; No doubt the Sahep afforded the young parsons ample 4 for drinki his good health. It would not surprise us to learn | with would have proved abortive. | the most unreserved manner, thrown open his | extensive fish-ponds, to parties desirous of bathing. i Resolute. that the supply of things needful included a sufficiency of good cigars. There is, however, some reason to fear that the episcopal direction for the supply of all the needs of the reverend youths could not be quite | carried out. Perhaps a few of them may have wanted a little Hebrew | not to mention Greek and Latin, and a certain amount of theolog literature, and ecclesiastical history, which any attempt to supply them The Enightsbridge Candles. Ma. Lappe t, at St. Pau!’s, Into Puseyism falls, , And establishes a New Oxford Tracts’ light, Which his altar he sets on ; Bat Caurcnwarpen W esTeRTON | | | Mr. Merrrmaw has been entertaining a numerous, if not very) select, circle. The honourable gentleman has distributed a large number of ices mons the population in his vicinity. He has also made a liberal distribution of straw-hats and ventilating Zephyr paletots, and has, in i , with their AN ANGEL IN DANGER OF PALLING. Tue KrvG or Prussta is particularly requested to take care that he does not fall. No insinuation is mtended mi this advice, which arises | | merely from an apprehension that the Angel of Peace may sink into the Demon of War. A HINT IN SEASON. Now Italy’s tyrants dance o’er the voleano, Let Austria by Bomsa be warned, while he can ; Lest the feeling which prompted the thrust of Mriano Perchance should give point to the stab of Milan. The Height of Ingratitude. Tue Americans have sent us a noble vessel, and it is proposed, in return, to send them a noble Lord. An Ambassador in exchange for a Small craft for great craft! Truly the days of Graucus and Diomep have returned, and brass is given for cold, Well, we calculate | the exchange is awful agin the States. Yes, Siree, some! “Lorn SHarresevry has ordered the preservation of the foxes in the Horton country for Mra. Fa rquaarson.”—Daily News. The foxes, we state it upon the best vulpine authority, are corre- | | spondingly obliged to Lorn Suarressvry. Detur Digniori. A Dervtation from the Incorporated Law Society last week waited on Sir Bensamin Hatt to suggest the transfer of the Law Courts to a better site —Ought not this work to be done by the Strand and West- minster Vestries, as coming strictly within their powers for the removal of nuisances ? “MIND Your 1's.’ Tue Usher in the Lonp Maron’s Court, lately described the great gold robbery case (alluding, we presume, to the character of AGaR, the principal witness) as a case of doubtful “ Tester-mony.” | = id | Natiowat Instrsct.—The Salmon in Scotland are distinguished by one very singular istic. It is well known that every Scotch Salmon, imbibing the spirit of caution peculiar to the country, looks twice always before it leaps. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. \—as Mi | | SPORT POR MR. PARQUHARSON | 3 | i A MANAGER WITHOUT GUILE. We have been charmed with the ingenuousness of a Plymouth Manager. His name is Newcomwne. A name that deserves to be written in the very brightest footlights; for it is not very often that the anxious caterers for public amusement exhibit such touching truth fulness, such affecting sincerity as enhances the character of New compe. His play-bill of December 17, 1856—(will not the document be henceforth precious to all antiquarians? )—informs the Plymouth public, that two young ladies will severally act —no, not act, but appear —— MS a and ia. Mx. Mansepe New COMBE, ever, somet to say, to ise to a confidi ublic on this matter, and therefore prints culjeined notice in his bill i “rr Ma. J. R. Newcomne begs to inform bie Patrons that having entered into Engagement, he feels himself bound to it out ; but at the same time feels him | ,~ eq bound to state to those Patrons whe may be inclined to visit the Theatr | during Engageme nt, that they will be dessived, as Ae has heen, if they expect to see anything beyond the acting of two Ladies, who have « great deal to learn befor | they are competent to sustain, with any credit, the characters they are attempting ” O Virtae, cried Mowrtre, in what nook wilt thou not hide thyself ? O Honesty, after this, in what barn mayest thou not he discovered ’ Newcomne’s dress-boxes are 3s.; his upper ditto, 2s.; his Pit, ls. ; his gallery 6¢.; and to the predetermined visitors to all these places, he eries—hold; ponder a little; think of it; the Hamlet may not be wort!) eighteen-pence, and the ja dear indeed at threepenee. It is ruled by the worldly wise that a man who vends fish ought to utter no syllable that should cast a doubt upon its freshness. But here hav: we in the conscientious Newcomse a tradesman who, compelled to cry his fish, nevertheless cries it with his nose between his fingers. 4 were ‘« - “ ‘ by The Good of the Garotte. Two cabriolet drivers had adjourned from their stand to an adjoining tavern, for the purpose of partaking of a slightly stimulatmg refresh ment. “I say, Bus,” exclaimed cabriolet-driver, No. 1., “this is bad work, this ‘ere garrottin’.”—“ Bad work!” responded cabriolet-driver No. 2, “unkimmon good work, I finds it—all the timid old gents as used to walk ’ome of a hevenin’, stead o’ that, now they stands a chance o’ bein’ grotted, takes a cab.” NOT IMPROBABLE. A Mons United Collieries’ Company is announced with a million ital, to produce marvellous dividends, of course. Let the share holders look out lest “ Parturit Mons: naseetar ridieulus mus.” PUNCH, OR THE L [Jawcary 3, 18 ONDON CHARIVARI. 5 Jv 7. THE FESTIVE SEASON. Amy (to Rose). “ Goop Gracious, Rose—I’M argatp, From THE WAY THE MAN TALKS, THAT HE Is [yToxIcaTED!” Cabby (impressively). “Bea Pann's, Miss!—N-x-not (utc) Lytossi-rossi-carep (HIC).—ItsH ONLY SHLIGHT ’PED-PED-PEDIMENT iy Sreesu, Miss!” \ CHRISTMAS-BOX FOR A GOOD CLOWN, Or all the cases of benevolence ever recorded at this time of the year, who can recollect one so truly seasonable as the following, related by the Chellenham Examiner ?— “ Sovoutan Tearmowtiat To a Clown.—It may interest some of our readers to learn the foilowing :—Among the most prominent performers at Hevo.er’s Circus, which has just closed at Chester, was Frowpe, the mimic. We feel much pleased t that his conduct in private life has attracted as much honour and justice as his mimiery in the ring, for having been noticed as a constant attendant on Church Services, three Clergymen of that ancient city have presented him with a very handsome Bible.” We ought to state that we quote the foregoing from a daily paper, because there is a passage in it which we have accurately copied, but which may, by many readers be regarded as obscure; and we do not know whether or not the statement that Mr. Frowpe’s conduct in wivate life has, equally with his professional performances, attracted oe and justice, occurs in the original text of our Cheltenham contemporary. The paragraph in question has been rather incon- siderately headed “ Singular Testimonial to a Clown.” If the testi- monial is singular, at hear east it ought not to be. No doubt there are some people, in whose dictionary fun means sin, and laughter is defined to be the expression of wickedness, who may consider that a Clown, as such, has no more business with a bible than a toad has with a side pocket. This is the opinion of the natural melancholy fool, who hates the artistic and lively fool. The real fool who grins with the convexity of the mouth upw an & to please himself, detests the fool who grins with the convexity of the mouth downwards to please other people. We should like to know the names of the three Chester clergymen, who had the pluck, and the philosophy, to present a Clown with a bible. The bible is only out of place in the hands of that Clown who embezzles trust-money, steals shares, and disposes of securities confided to him, | singing psalms all the while, and who is a solemn, dull, and dreary Clown, and a sad rogue. RECIPES FOR A HAPPY NEW YEAR. must do the following things, if you wish to pass a Happy New Yor Year To count five hundred before you venture to contradict your wife. To be careful, when you are asked for your advice, (especially by an Irishman) how you give it To praise every baby that is brought up to you for exhibition. To take twice of pudding, if you are told the mistress of the house has had a hand in the making of it. To decline in the politest manner being appointed arbitrator in any matrimonial quarrel. To mind your own business, or if you have no business, then to make it your business to leave the business of others alone. = Io be cautious how you sit next to a lady of an uncertain age with green spectacles and inky fingers, and who shaves her hair to get up an etallotanl forehead. To pay no visits to such persons as never return them; viz., to your Lawyer, your Pawnbroker, your Physician, your Magistrate, your Com- missioner in the Court of Bankruptcy or Insolvency, much less your Judge in any Court, Central Criminal, County, Common Law, Con- sistorial, Chancery, or otherwise. To enter into a solemn vow not to read the Debates. —— a SS Evection Iyre..iacence.—The Goveryor or THE Bank or Enc- | LAND has had his diseount raised to a great height by the appearance of Mr. Anprews in the field as a candidate for Southampton. PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.—Janvany 3, 1857. "IFO T/IGG 4a , 4a ‘ JA AS ~Y \ AS ss AS is LN AS N a \. NEN : Le at iss , ime: Saipan beat) — = SWITZERLAND WARMING THE SNAKE. (Another Illustration of the Old Fable.) | the subject of an Eneore. Jascary 3, 1857.) THE ENCORE SWINDLE. ise more than a single view upon! ut his own preternatural wisdom and rectitude—he admits the fact with due humiliation—sometimes pre- vent his making allowances for the ignorance and injustice of others. Mr. Puwcn cannot | He will therefore condescend, upon the present occasion, to explain | how the matter in question . He is moved thereto by a variety | of correspondence which has been addressed to him, and by an article | in the Musical World, in which some ridiculous provincial censures upon Mr. Sms Reeves, the vocalist, are disposed of by a reply so | unanswerable that it has naturally excited the wrath of the illogical. For it is in imperfectly educated nature to begin to revile when it ceases to reason. Complaints were made, and what in the provinces passes for | sarcasm was let fly against the singer we have named, for his excusing | himself, on the ground of indisposition, from fulfilling a certain engage- | ment. Now ‘Me Punch has occasionally had his good-humoured joke with Mr. Reeves on this subject, and begs to premise that nothing | herein contained will bar Mr. Punch of his right to say just what he likes to Mr. Reeves or anybody else. Nor, again, will Mr. Punch’s | condescending to joke upon the subject, in any manner prevent his recognition of Mr. Reeves as one of the most admirable artists in the world. Nunc tunc, as VinciL might have said, if he had chosen. The answer to these complaints is, that British audiences consist of | swindlers. It is shown that Mr. Reeves, in common with many other | artists, is compelled by a dishonest British public to do double the | work which he contracts to do. It is set forth by extracts from the newspapers, detailing a long provincial tour (during which Mr. Reeves | has not once failed to ar when due) that the audiences have always | exacted from him precisely twice the quantity of music which they were entitled to ask. They have habitually encored everything. And when an exhausted singer has ventured to substitute something else for the fatiguing air which is dishonestly redemanded, they have the substitution. The consequence of this selfish injustice was that Reeves, lacking the courage of ALBont and Maxro, who will seldom “take ” an encore, got knocked up, not being a mere singing machine, | and had to give his throat and lungs a few days’ holiday. This brought out provincial censure and sarcasm, completely met, as it appears to Mr. Punch and every honest person, by the Musical World. By what right, we to ask, does an auditor cheat and rob an artist by encoring? A playbill promises that if you will pay a specific sum, you shall have a specific song. You pay the money (or go in with an order), and you demand twice the music you have bargained for. ! Do you serve anybody else so, except an artist? If you buy a pair of | trousers, and they please you, do you encore your trousers, that is, | require the tailor to give you another pair? Do you encore a dozen of oysters, asking the second lot for nothing because the first were sweet | and succulent! Do you encore a portrait, and because a painter has | succeeded admirably in taking your likeness, do you clap and stamp about his studio until he paints you another copy for nothing ? But “O!” say Jomw Butt, and Mars. Bui, with their usual vulgarity, “these are real things, with a value, while a song’s nothing | but air (hair, very likely Mrs. Bui calls it) coming out of a man’s | mouth ; and it value, and he ought to be very proud that we are pleased with him.” Get out of the theatre, you old idiots! Get out, you dishonest old ignorant wretches, and go to Mr. SrurGeon, or a police magistrate, or —_ and learn your duty to your neighbour! Get out, we tell you! And yet why should Mr. Punch be wrath with you? Your fathers thought im the same way ‘about books, and wondered at an author’s | impudence in calling] mere words by the sacred name of property And the notion is not quite extinct yet. There, we retract, we feel compassion for you, you old creatures, not anger. You maystay. But mind this. You have no right to steal music. If your housemaid stole your snub-nosed Patty’s dog’s-eared copy of the Troubadour from the pianoforte, you would eall that housemaid a thief, and send for a| policeman. are you, that steal four songs in one evening? Take that hint to heart, and when next you are delighted with an effort that it has eost an artist years of expensive and laborious study to bring to the perfection that enchants you, and you feel disposed to cheat him out | of it again, remember snu sd Parry and her dog’s-eared music. Were Mr. Punch a Manager, he would borrow a hint from the omuni- bus, and write across the curtain , ALL ENCORES MUST BE PAID FOR, | and the money-taker should go ‘round, attended by a detective, to require a second payment of the price of admission. On the other hand, if it could be shown that singers, or music-sellers, or friends with orders, had caused the encore, (for all sorts of tricks are resorted to in order to puff up indifferent wares) the night’s salary of the singer supposed to be benefited should be forfeited to the General Theatrical Fond.. As Mr. Puach is not a Manager, he obligingly makes a present | of these suggestions to the editor of the Musieal | World. | SOCIAL INTELLIGENCE. WIsHNG to obtain some information as to the effect of the Income- | Tax upon our social condition, we resolved to ascertain as far as it was practicable, whether any falling off had been noticeable this Christmas in the parties which are annually given at that festive season. For this purpose we selected several of our most going-out reporters, and supphed them with instructions to spare themselves no expense in white kids and waistcoats, until they had provided us with full sta tistics on the subject. As a sample of the evidence with which we have been furnished, we learn from the gentleman to whom we had entrusted the dining-out department that, of twenty dinner-parties he has been invited to, at eight there have been served up for the first course both soup and fish, at ten there was soup only, and at two only fish; at nineteen the second course consisted (besides entrements) of either a roast turkey and a bit of boiled beef, or else a boiled turkey and a bit of roast beet —the latter being in one instance supplanted by a saddle of mutton, | while for the third course, at all the twenty tables, there were either a brace of pheasants or a hare, a i plum-pudding with a sprig of holly im it, about a peck of mince-pies, and bushels of jellies and what he designates as “ sweet-stuff.” cheese was Stilton at sixteen tables, and at the other four Cheddar: with the addition of celery in | | eleven cases, and in thirteen of maccaroni; while at every house where there were children, there were at least a dozen dishes for desert. _On the whole our reporter’s conviction is, decidedly, that the dinners . this Christmas may be fairly quoted at about the usual average ; th as regards their frequency, and the quantity as well as quality of condiments provided. And he considers, therefore, that among the middle «lasses, the privations through war-prices are as yet not so extreme as certain grumbling politicians seem desirous to make out. ACREWLARE ASAIN , TOO.GENEROUS BY HALF. Iv money is at the present moment a little “tight” in France, it is | because Louts Narongon has held his aaa a little too loose. He is a second Antony, and although his minister, M. Acuriie Foun, has attempted to describe him in prose, we can assure France that it is Suaksreare only—the divine Wittiams of M. Powsanp—who can alone, through the lips of Cleopatra, limn the imperial munificence : “ For his bounty, There was no winter in 't: an autumn "twas, That grew the more by reaping.” Only Franee is, now and then, liable to less than average crops, and | a blighted vintage. “In his livery Walk’d crowns and coronets.” For has not Frepericx Wit11aM of Prussia just joined, fallen into, the royal procession ? ** Realms and islands were As plates dropp’d from his pocket.” Only—let the truth be said—some of these island-plates have a great | deal too much Cayenne in them. Christmas Contrition. MATERPAMILIAS, who, in former years, has been accustomed to | spend a great deal of money in decking her Christmas Tree, calls the room at the German Fair, where they announce “150,000 toys at a | penitentia. penny each,” her “ locus t with a deaf | Keer your Temprn.— Avoid entering into an words, man in a railway carriage, as it is sure to lead to hi PUNCH, OR THE LONDON 4 y= 4 eS F fl Sensitive Young Lady. “ Poon cREATURES ! Wat A DREADFUL Existence?” Stout Youth. “Dreaprut existence !—On, an! I DARE Bay. JUST THE VERY THING OF ALL OTHERS I SHOULD LIKE THE BEsT !” Ww THE QUEEN’S SPEECH. Ir is well known—or why has the country so many newspapers ?— | that immediately on the prorogation of Parliament, Lonp PaLMersTon quietly set himself to work to provide for the opening. The-Premrer has aiready determined upon so many reforms that it may reasonably be predicted the next session will be placid as the Serpentine. Hal- cyons are expected to breed upon the Thames in spite of any motion made by Mr. Disrarut. But amongst all the national benefits anti cipated during the recess by a provident Premier, the statesmanlike move in the matter of the Income-Tax will, probably, be the measure that shall command the most universal admiration. We cannot say that the whole of the QueEn’s Speech is determined upon, but we have the best authority for stating that the document will contain a golden paragraph, of which we subjoin a faithful copy. “The Conferences at Paris have been brought to the happiest conclusion. Al! the purposes of a just and necessary war have been fully accomplished. And acknowledging the zeal, the readiness, with which my faithful people responded to the cal] made upon their pockets to carry out the issue of the contest, it affords me heartfelt satisfaction to know that such measures of retrenchment have been deter- mined upon consistently with the true dignity of Government, that from and after the Sth of April next ensuing, the Income-Tax will cease and determine. The discontinuance of so grievous, but made by circumstances, so necessary an impost is the best national monument that can be resolved upon in commemoration of the struggle.” By this master-stroke of policy Lorp Patmerston the more certainly fixes himself in the hearts of the people, inasmuch as he shows himself so anxious as a Minister to keep himself out of their pockets. Dentistry without Danger. We rejoice to see that a College of Dentists is in course of formation, with a view to the distinction of the respectable members of the pro- fession from the quacks. search of teeth will ne longer be in danger of running into the fangs of extortionate advertisers, by whom those unfortunates are at present so commonly bitten. If this can be effected, the toothless in | [Janoary 3, 1 CHARIVARL SONG OF THE REJECTED. Dedicated to the Civil Service Commissioners. A Nostz friend, not long ago, Gave me a situation ; But said, alas! I first must pass A slight Examination. They asked me questions, I am sure, Would puzzle anybody, [ never knew how far Pegu Was from the Irawaddy ! [ am an English gentleman, M is twenty-two, And I cannot tell what goods will sell rhe best at Timbuctoo. I can read, and I can spell, Or write out from dictation ; But at Paracuay I cannot say What is the population. Of course ’twas very ignorant, And must my fame disparage, [ could not state what was the date Of great Kine ALFRED’s marriage ! } I don’t know when we first were taxed, Or who was the Assessor ; I really can’t describe the Aunt Of Epwaxp tue Conressor! They asked what king first had a corn, I never could imagine it ; How should I know about the toe Of Tudor or Plantagenet ? Such things as these no doubt are known To many of my betters, Sut I cannot see their use to me In merely copying letters. NOTHING BUT EATING AND SLEEPING. TrutH To THe Letrer.—A Woman who writes a letter | uy, THAT’s is a Fool, but a Man who keeps, or publishes one, is a Traitor !—Sir Charles Napier. THINGS WHICH NO OLD BACHELOR WILL EVER DO IP HE CAN HELP IT. To begin with—Get outside an omnibus to accommodate a lady. Go to a theatre on a Juvenile Night. Assist in dressing up a Christmas Tree, or be present at the distri- bution of the gifts. Escort his married sister when she goes to buy a baby-jumper. Throw away his cigar when he comes in contact with a lady. Take a walk down Regent Street at the time when the perambulators do mostly congregate. : Accept an invitation to stand godfather, for fear of its being cited as a precedent. : Give up a dinner party for the sake of escorting his friend’s wife | to an evening one. Take his country cousins shopping, for fear of being asked to carry home their parcels for them. Attend a juvenile party, and submit to be made a blind man’s buffer of. Oblige his married sister at a Railway Station by “just holding | baby for a moment.” Burn his fingers at snap-dragons, because children so.” Run the slightest chance of ever being caught beneath the mistletoe. And to end with—Dine twice with a family where he finds the baby handed round with the dessert. ‘it will please the Casus Belli. Tue Indian Government was perfectly right in declaring war against Persia for seizing on Herat, because the Persians had no business thereat. Homemoratnic Curistwas Revetry.—At all the metropolitan workhouses, the Christmas fare appears to have been weighed out to the paupers. The entertainment must have been scaly. January 3, 1857.] | LILLIPUTIAN LEGISLATION. 