Punch 1864: Vol 47
None
a + ES _— == uw ae na = xz & 8 < Ss | RZ\ Y Y. “4 LNT Ly Yup AY / yay Ss ¢ ~— YW, Wee ZZ “ ff he a a yyy Yh 5 me YOu KuUvit N: LONDO PUBLISHED AT THE OFFICE FLEET STREET, * 85, AND SOLD BY ALL BOOKSELLERS. 1864 LONDON BRADBURY AND EVANS, PRINTERS, WHITFEFRIARS. - PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Decemsper 31, 1864. 7; if Uf y LLY ULL Y yy / Tay y] /) 4 MMi 44 VM ett L11/ TY oy, Mz. Punon is in his Library, smoking. Mus. Puxcu in an arm-chair, knitting a Oounterpane. The faithful Toby announces “Tue Earn or Dzrsy.” R. PUNCH. Admit him to The Presence. Don’t go, Jupina. The Earl is a very delightful person. Mrs. P. No, dear, I am not dressed,—and look at my hair. Mr. P. Since I was first tangled in its meshes, I never saw it looking prettier. Mrs. P. Nonsense, you great goose. Enter Lonp Dunrpsy, with two books. Lord D. (whose quick eye catches sight of a crinoline and graceful head vanishing through a bookcase door.) Good morning, Mr. Puncu. But—I fear I have disturbed a pleasanter interview. Mr. P. 1 was merely checking the washing-bill for the week, my dear Lord. Take the chair vacated by my | Chancellor of the Exchequer. ede D. (seats himself). Some people say that there is a Chancellor of the Exchequer ready to take another chair when vacated. ; Mr. P. Do they? I know nothing about politics. (Hands cigar-case.) Lord D. That’s a little too strong. Mr. P. I assure you no. It is quite mild. Lord D. I didn’t mean the cigar, but the assertion. You, who know every move on the board, and could play the game—or six games—blindfolded. Mr. P. Only one—Blindman’s Buff. I like that at Christmas, because it compels one to feel for one’s fellow- creatures. Lord D. Very good, very good. Mr. P. Praise from Sin Huse r—that is, from Epwarp—Sraney, is—and so forth. And what have you got there? Iam glad to see that you are not too great a man to carry things for yourself. Lord D. (winks.) I can’t always carry everything I should like to carry. But as for books, a great Oxford Don told me, in my youth, that there were three things any gentleman might have under his arm—a book, a gold-headed cane, and a handsome woman. Apropos of the latter, I again apologise for having sent Mrs. Punca out of the room. Mr, P. I scorn to repay your courtesy, my dear Densy, by remarking that Conservatives have not always been so scrupulous about turning out women. [ Exit. PREFACE. [December 31, 1864. I ise a man who would stop a good thing because it might annoy a friend. . It is easier to make new friends than new jokes. And what is that handsome book, Harpar? Don’t make a joke about hey-day, please, Lord D. Wasn't going to. This is a copy of my Homer, and I beg you to accept it. Mr. P. “ Kings begga & beggar.” Beggar as I am in thanks, I thank you, I have also to thank you for the pleasure I havo already from a careful perusal of the volumes. Lord D, Have you really found time ? How do you manage ? . simple process of neglecting a duty when I am offered a pleasure. not hear your enemy—if you have one—say so. that you will never have the opportunity, as you do not keep company with my only enemies, me just say that I consider your Homer a masterly performance, honourable to you, and valuable to your countrymen, I you like the cigar P Lord D. So well that I shall ask you to fill my case—a very fine brand indeed. Talking of Brann reminds me. Shall we go in for » division ? Mr. P. What says the tailor? Lord D. Well, if he counted for nine, we could do the thing comfortably. Mr. P. Till he does, stick as you be. Tord D. Ah! But you talk Pam. Mr. P. By Tove, or shall I say by Zzvs, (you are quite fight, by the way, not to Greekify the names—I can’t read Lane's Arabien Nights, because he hadn’t your good sense), I don’t talk Paar half as much as every Conseryative who offers bimeelf, The first thing your men do at the hustings is to declare Parmerston the national favourite, In the face of that fact divide—and conquer. Lord D. Of course I see that, but then I wear apectacles. Mr. P. Order a Pa for your friends—green ones, if you like. But bother polities, I tell ‘you I don’t care about you have been turning to fredh fields and pastures new. Isn't AonLums pleasanter company I am very glad than the A’ ? s . Mr. Drsrartt is ry leasant company, Me. Puncn. And he is more like Acwrmnms than you remember, for he records that in earlier life he “ stood on the plains of Troy, and cutsed his destiny.” . P. Well he might, considering that it was to lead politicians whose talk is of bullodks, and to win the odd trick with politicians whose talk is bulls. There, don’t be ner Lord D. 1 was never angry in my life—but we ’re a big Party. Mr. P. Granted; but the nation’s a bigger. Goimg? Well, one thing more, That is a beautiful bit in your translation where Guaucus and Diomep change armour. Lord D. Glad you like it. I have at least given back the sense, which Popz perverted, and have made Jurrrer deprive Gxavcus of his judgment before he made the bad bargain. Mr. P. In exchange for Diomep’s brass armour, price nine oxen, Guavcus gives him a golden suit, price a hundred. I will be Guavous, pro hde vice. I have not lost my judgment, but, as you have given me your Homer, I give you (smiles sweetly) my | Fortp-Sebenth Volume. YH, y, SBsdegbeoo te ow Es sf —_ = Qf - — -—— a qaieinild pee ment POUR igh; gi nthe PUNCH’S ESSENCE ; Bealls, in the ae een hee t gay young Viscount CH tendi p 4 has enough to do in what is philosophically called the reflex of energy,” namely, the pursuit of pleasure. And though he ally agrees with the late Six G. C. Lewis, who said, inimitably, that “ life would be a but for its ‘pleasures,” the ladies have claims upon him which he is not the nobleman to i . What with his flower-shows, his morning-concerts (you dear Grisi, you are rg dese epee r ‘ar Cc, e at Grinnage the Etoile et Jarretiére, his po randy es balls, - “ Gyrusque, et Polka—supremus Sub mad rary bo Rogerus Eques.” to say nothing of Pappy Green’s, of which, however, he could say much that would be acceptable to many a “ dear fellow,” the Viscount finds little time for his comeioriel antes. rouge: he omg mio I nbers it, and happens to in the neigh- Indeed, his determination to re and thoroughly online. _ on seapeont “ Moszs,” 7 when * HERBERT = — alace of Westminster en the t t t edi pretty regularly of late. : 2 or To-day there was a dramatic entrance in the Commons, where as a rule a member’s exit is more. t to behold and see. Everybody, ro ory ae a Ministerial ment about the Conference, and as to what England was to do, and Mr. Disrazui led off with three solemn questions on the subject. Mn. Giapstone told him to put his ueries on he ~ next day. “ bl seat gen ge Pt can ISRAELI such questions mi roper e put without notice. “ Hear!” cried the House. Ma. Camas wished to know what Lory Russi meant saying that the! British Fleet was pre- pared for any service. Mr. Giapstone objected to further questions in the absence of | Patmexston. Mr. Fitzcxraup said that every Minister must know all about the matter, and hoped that answers would be insisted on. Mr. Darsy Gairritu, received as usual with Pcsinco ae pron aay nr none wm - he ma o- the notoriously divided on anish question, More- over, he hoped that if the Conference did not arrange Seti satisfac. tonily, England would put forth her Naval Strength. “Hear, hear!” cried a great many voices. Lorp JoHN said that it was the duty of Lornp Patmerston to be in his place— Enter Lonp Patmerston, Loud cheers, Deen Jonny Manners and Mr. Ossorye instantly set upon him for ormation. Viscount Patmerston said that when Lorp Russe replied that the fleet was ready to go anywhere, he meant that it was pre 1 for any service, and so it was. He declined giving = further exp ions, except that when the armistice should be over, the war would recom- mence, unless an arrangement were made. Mr. Briext, in a very sweet manner, said that he never asked questions, nor would he do so then, but he‘ thought that Lorp 'ALMERSTON would get on better if he would teli all he could. Loxp Patmerston regretted to be obliged to repeat, that for the present his Tongue was Tied. Later in the week, when every one knew that the Conference could or would settle‘nothing, it was announced that the patying the angses of the Premrer and the Foreign Secrerary should lormed on the following Monday. Lorp RussE.t said the recommencement of the War was the most probable event. __ The Gladstonian Bill for giving the Working Man a safe Assurance was passed, and very justifiable congratulations were exchanged ba the enactment of a law calculated to do so much good to the humbler classes. Mr. Punch hereby credits Mz. GLapstong with a large item of honour for his wisdom and courage in this matter, in fact begs Aim to receive the Assurance, &c. ' Having seen to the interests of good men, we next took the bad men in hand, and by a majority of 116 to 49 we read the Gaols Bill a Second Time. The Government was warmly supported by Sm Joun Paxrnc- Ton, a Conservative, who understands subject. WHALLEY talked some anti-Catholic nonsense, but the Brummagem Spooner was of course, not heeded. The Criminal class will discover, when this Bill becomes law, that “doing that lot upon my head” will. be a difficult feat in gymnastics, ‘ . eye After so much smooth sailing came.a storm. The Third Bill was like the third wave, in elassic reading. Mr. Giapstone’s measure for VOL, XLVII. B 2 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL. (Juny 2, 1864, improving the machinery of tax-collecting was adjudged by the! land, hall be liable ] ieee ~ be no improvement at all, og BR Ge vential | ey i for the , td oly ne HS Sets eee Say ee piliarsday Weloome to work, indefatigable old friend, Hxny UGHAM. or preven’ ri lant defence, we threw out the measure, defeating the Ministry by imprisonment’ tlie: penal P Very good. ut do you ph te 4 32 to 128. v litth ki now—that theatferneys will allow their subjects in the Commons to mia Ta Stay ea he Oomaltion ned not Svbatenen Tat ee te sual okt Ginntiki 2 Never mind,..we are rejoiced to see you in cial, it being contended that certain companies could not afford to agai, — the additional journeys. The decision seems just, for it. would The ek pee oe sate Oxee has: tons. he Print oad ae rs in the interest of an English traveller only that the extra trains eould | Fchools rimate i the it, Dr. be wanted, as time and date are no object to the Hibernian ina — an ~Aowy ered a 2 ne pet Irishman can just as wel! journey on Saturday, or Monday, next! Tony § parochial ” WiBerForc week, and Scotchmen think it wicked to travel or whistle on = = noWaidestand'the-pioas zeal” "poms Waeeeess. Dat, re Tuesday. The recent row at a Romish iy Linco! Bax. Resewu, dida’t like themeasure, ib'stands over for future dis- was discussed by the few Lords who think it w whiie to ai gussion.. We Town S add thatthe Bisnopor*Oxyrorp fell from his debates (Punch will have something to say to Your Lordships about herse im meee home after e }to promote so very reasonable this contempt of the High Court of Parliament one of these phage am object; we hope that..heewill'-seon. reeowers. The Lords can ill - is collectin: — 7> joven Peerage; not. + in OS ee spare a crack debater. for Mas uncH’s album, RD ARUNDEL our) Qn the:previousSianday-morning, the Fedral frigate, the Ke. denied the ees was entirely 9H by monk sank the Confiiddrate frigate, the > rdesige Chasbeere ace which Lonp Dersy was very glad to: hear. a settee wever, that “ thd 2 4 > ? it was necessary to hand: it over; for atime, to the Order of the man covered liimself with honour-whieh.no one will contest, the brave F Devas: Liz wetiys, the:Surgeon of the vanquished ship. we the eae wl tke og tate ara latter “ Down to tliedeeps, in doimg-well}he went.” mich aa th el to put it Eo We hoe that He-nsightlimee:been saved, but. he. refused. to imperi) his wounded by he will be attentive, = —— ie he} incressing the-number im their beat. [tis not to/the:Wiltshire clergy- scce-e ship comming. W —_ (tages on Tan weey bu man, the-father;. who’ must be so proud amid-his grief that: Eugtishmen seems more in kee wi dealt | should Futy oferecti lt with ‘by the ety = it on. day ‘when e on le pr said | ould a — ed to-night bys pine ber wiht pte ate enseif pout i int of Deblin toate toffy, rt nobody can_ te ering oe | |done brave things, Sim Jomw Hay; when asking Ciaxenem Pacer Macurge deserves much ap cnn for ed done to a| | whether Government had noted the artillery lesson to be learned from dangerous nuisance, which the ws geen oun to blow to | the fight off Cherbourg, It should be mentioned whenever there:is talk Smithereens, wherever that locality | of braver death than that met in the heat of battle. Another Irish complication, which we shal petty not unravel: 4 Jong partisan debate on Irish Bducatiow again broaght ont bitter. The Bill for improving Lrish Chancery isdisliked by Mr. Wurrzsip She cheat it or tor > di heomiael o half, amd by a vote, beat the — on some who would rather'see childzen untaught than-tanght by Government, and referred the Bill to a “le mumittee. t them it turned out that the proceedings had been irregular; and also that | Friday. The Lords talked for'a short time about the Royal Academy somebody had voted against his intention, and—but what on earth does nd this is a pleasant way of s nding an hour. The Commons had a it matter ? | Malt-tax .battle, in which GLADSTONE conquered, preventing a fi Australia sadly wants a Rowtanp Hit. On the plea that the eau condemnatory of the tax, but the attendance was not large, present rate of postage to that region does not the Post Off Office has | considering the fuss that is made on the subject. raised the charge from sixpence to one s it fhe to be fourpence | We conclude the chronicle by stating that the Lorp CHANCELLOR by private ship. Mr. Punch, in the interest both of this county and has revealed the mode in which he pro to : = with Attorneys. the noble colony, denounces the bak ns unjust, he chent isto make-a —— with t he Lewyer. Tn isevab legends ona false economy. Intercourse between us and the colonists should men are said. to have DP iequhisxetihs Cokebehagns aod 00° kare be encouraged to the utmost, and the requisite — should be taken | escaped, but it has oy bees by the intervention of some saint, and out of the large profits made on home postage. abedy i in England, | You might now'as reasonably expect to find a: policeman’ as a saint in except Mr. Punch, knewanything about Asia such an oppressive your hour of need. Such compacts are perilous, if not absolutely an@ ridiculous arrangement w: not be permi tet meet poonle, | wicked. se everybody at the Colonial Office, believe tha that yan Town is ee ee ae South} GOREN. CHILD WITH, THY RATS-TALL HAIR. a and 123 begged Ballot. Pam =e hay eee Publicity. Lrrrie Girl, thou shears dost lack, Ma.. Henwessy lamented the ings Emigration, and | With thy hair all down thy back wished something done to stop it. adie after being told | Loose, and streaming. on the-gale, there was nothing to lament holes = by ‘the carrying of the previous Like a rod, or-comet’s tail; question by 80 to 52. Or the tails which creatures wear Wednesday. Mx. Huxspann’s Bill for yormiiting folks to: use‘ the Goblin Child with the rat’s-tail hair! Metrie System went through Committee. It lies before Mr. Punch. Ty der, little Pet, It isa very little Bill, but there are some stunning” long words in the H » aon any th let Sched Omitting Dismals, ladies, we may inform you that a Go ab z paaios > fight, Mornanteni is not the metre in which Mrrtam, the Hebrew songstress, Sens soy Seay Looking like an elfin sprite, es miles and 376 yards, that the word Are is not part of Dr out with fantastic care; that when you send. nurse: to the public : - : CCR) house for a pnt of porter ( (osah con are) you are lawfully at Nberty Goblin Child with the rat’s-tail heir! | | ~ = her'to ask for « Dekalitre; that when the witch in Macbeth we h, ing “ three ounces of a red haired wench,” the old wretch might, Seared sty ope covet poe had this Bill then been Seoteh law, have demanded a Hectogram. ’Mid the corn, roy tiny Guy. Then, apropos of Seoteh law, we ‘defeated a Bill for allowing English How thou dst make the sparrows fly! Bank notes to circulate in Scotland. It seems that the natives love Then might swains the small birds spare, | that exceeding dirty old rag, called a Scotch note; and 7 prefer Goblin Child with the rat’s-tail hair‘ it to a sovereign. We do not think that it would be be right to interfere Scustunpiepeaties Oiechigtrank atqyest Np oaae soumageenad> aught bo inven t. and support it, some mg made for the receipt, from such persons, of the coms’ and paper. of Ingenuity, Thrown Away. al | civilisation. WE read that “ a maebine for washing dishes has lately bee patente ®*'A remark; in a similar spirit, will apply to a proposal to make the | in America.” If the war continues much longer, this invention will be | | Royal Court of Jersey act justly an nd hy | frantic at such an attempt, and in the oo of their despair have | that it will be impossible: to put any on: the dishes; consequently the | promised to do the work themselves. If they do-noty it will simply: be | latter will om no washing. In this sense, War may bevsaid to make | necessary to enact that no English person  will beso dear, | | nF SF eV FEF FON Jour 2, 1864.] PUNCH, OR HE LONDON CHARIVARI. LAWSON AND LIQUORS. course-of a long walk, at the bar of = decent fpr ey ay public-house. In an po Bs altel of this description, je Mg oe , on such an occasion, whilst I was recruiting my eee hment, a member of the working classes excited my cuiealy * asking the landlord officiating at the tap for a goof “ Law- | son ;” whereupon mine host served him, with a quantity of some kind of spirit. “Lawson!” T ex “dear me, what is Lawson ? The workip man. grinned, and the landlord replied :—“ Gin, Sir. They “Lawson now, Sir. *cept 0” Sundays, and then. they calls a alt Sones’ Bran they calls “TREVELYAN, and rum Haver,’ baker the eo Pore ;’ Trish whey : and doe * Forses Phen. there s different kinds o’ beer, ‘Burton y calls * Band of Hope” and Kennet “ United Ki m Allianee ies to be sure!” said I, “and I shouldn’t won er if they were, by-and-by, to call sherry-cobler ‘ > and mintjulep * Her- | | worTH,’ and brandy-smash ‘Janez Burws,’ and timber-doodle | Canon | = Mo the names. of rpnew tienes’ i ent leaiing Re aay ol Yes, | ir,” sai the landlord, “ an ve name of | ‘Dean Crosz’ to punch.” “ Indeed, gel y te, ne think that ex- tremely probable ; or they ‘ll make the Dean a “ies: ; and it appears to me a subject of regret that the industrious orders should be provoked, by injudicious agitation, to associate, out of bravado, sepetel and reverend myer howe liquors, which, however salubrious moderate quantities, are, W en of in excess, intoxicating.” table, Sir,” er the landlord, “ isn’t it? Yours. affectionately, AMBULATOR. “ois ‘werry — Bon orth bt tw Let us—that’s you and your Mevoted Pa Punch Since there is yet some time before we Innch, Consider what was the immediate cause eyenecion, Strike— Get out, Toby, don’t obstruct the oop; Ah! you? You come here, Sir,-when I call, Dent het let “7 ae you eeverins the ball, Or with us interferin you do, Tahall be doreed-chaet that's *twizhno and yon. Lie down, my dog! now, Judikins, go in, And do the very best you know to win. Latics | ! ey, honestly, or. we can’t greet Youas the fair sex, who 80 love to cheat. The-strictest rules shall us ym Bann’d be the mode in w. most wplay, Fair when they must, and = terme when they can, This is the way that woman plays with man. Whence Grequét sprang to benefit the earth, What ha) ime birth _ ppy:garden gave the ane Ba A. ‘Bean the bene me Soon Assyuaainaetnblls, elt fe the ¢ naught, Some. spon Milage ak des yr - wi Bex, (Dennis, that deth the looker. Or Bowls, that'Dery Parsons: Or Skittles when each ole, these, or any other, to us known, Delight both sexes like i e alone ? Cricket is modern. When the earliest match, When the first skyer fell to ‘the first catch ; When first the term was used of “ keeping’ wicket,” Who the inventor, who. first played at Cricket, Who gave the names to creases, stumps and bats ; ; To short leg, longstop, point, efcef’ra—that ’s A knowled every one can get by heart. Not so Croquét, let the curious start With book and plan to trace its wandering course, Like Speke onli Grant the Nile, up to its source, Its streams run until you end the chace, And stand amazed upon the brink of space. Some think when Newton viewed the planets roll, A thonght of Croquét glanced athwart his soul : Ss —— mack ot Mars the Red, 2 e saw, comets madly spe Ifto, T wish the Mester of the Mant Had taken Thyme to put his thought in print. am, The Ground. For playing uét the best s that be, Are those ge *tis re. me and.me ; use “tis exercise nor rude nor rough, Because, in short, we like.it,—that ’s enough. Whoever will play Croquét, must first: see The Ground well chosen ; and the Booed should be A Paradox wherein ; agen ‘sophists revel, At once a dively Ground, and a dead level. No undulating surface a eat Where busy ants raise u mound ; So then to. flatten ave: °c rolled. The grass-plat should ai Sing, sing, my. Muse ! She. willmot even squeak, Well, sulky maid, au reservoir next week. Safe Supply of Infantry. In a sensible Jetter.in the Zimes onthe subject of recruiting, A Sergeant-Major very justly.observes that :— *f owing years’ 1 pecuniary allowance, with aio not a hsnjatho us wont. jeirdacen dozen recruits, but you also previde a nursery for a future army.’ : i es be sure you ido,,and a nursery likely to be well stocked with ies. PUNCH OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Jury 2, 1864. ‘ SS \\ i Oe er k SN WAY x “4) < \\S ~ WY SS \ SS RAW NAR — SAN 2% V4 Li Ms, 4 YY MMM “Ahhh le, WALL LG Y “ yan AY y 0, “ine OT Pty AIA Yy SY 44; / V Yijt1h& Y Captain of Company. “ Your Povc# 1s very Driery, Sir!” Private Jones. “ No, Sin!” Captain of Company. “ But I say iT 1s, S1e! HONOUR TO THE BRAVE ! BeForE us is a very sensible letter, signed “ Beprorp Pr, Com- mander R.N., Hon. Secretary,” and dated from the Junior United | Service Club. It announces, as information “which will doubtless | gratify the admirers of the gallantry displayed by the officers and crew | of the renowned Alabama in the late action off Cherbourg,” the fact “that it has been determined to present Caprarn Semmes with a hand- | some sword to replace that which he has buried with his sinking ship.” | Further, this judicious notification requests that “ Gentlemen wishing to participate in this testimony to unflinching patriotism and naval daring will be good enough to communicate with the chairman of the | committee, ADMIRAL Anson, United Service Club, Pall-mall ;” or with the writer himself. Lastly, a postscript preceded with “N.B.” inti- | mates that, “In order to give a larger number of friends the opportu- | nity of ———- the subscription is limited to one guinea each.” This invocation will of course be sufficient to draw down upon the trea- | surer of the committee above referred to a golden shower, considerably | heavier than that which descended on Danie. It is not for a moment to be supposed that the measure of presenting a sword to Caprarn Semmes, of the Alabama, is, on the part of officers | in Her ay oy Service, any the least violation of that neutrality in | regard to the American belligerents which has been enjoined by the | Quzen’s Proclamation. In arming the Captain of the Alabama, no | offence will be given like that which was taken at the supply of arms to | the Alabama herself. If the Captain of the Kearsarge had been in| Captain Szmmes’s place, that is to say, had he fought till his ship sank under him, after having eluded all the Confederate cruisers, and de- stroyed a great ug Confederate merchant vessels, which may be supposed, no doubt those gentlemen who are going. to give SEMMEs a sword for his mere gallantry, would be equally in a hurry to present one on the same account to Szmmes’s antagonist, Caprain WINSLOW. Should the Prussians and their King drag us into war with them, and a Prussian privateer, fitted out at New York and manned with Yankees, after having under the command of a German Captain swept a great art of our commerce from the seas, get sunk by a British sloop off oston, and should that Captain be — up by the owner of an American yacht, and taken ashore, and hailed and made much of by officers of the United States Navy, and should they present him, amongst them, with a sword of honour, of course we shall, with that Ricut aBout Facsg, anD Loox art IT!” m applaud their generous recognition of the valour and har brave though mischievous and deadly enemy. : In the prospect of imminent war with Prussia and Germany, not only is 4 demonstration of sympathy with the commander of a Con- federate privateer highly seasonable, but, being. made in the confident assurance that it will be liberally construed by those who would hang Captain Semmes if they could catch him, it implies a delicate compli- ment to the people of the United States. We may assure ourselves that they will take it as such, and that those who intend to be parties to it had not much better mind their own business. animity which is ever characteristic of the British Public, only ood of our A TRAP LAID FOR A HUSBAND. Prorie sometimes wonder why it is that other people do not marry ; and there is certainly small lack of ladies in the world, if gentlemen would only make up their minds to have them. Various are the ways wherein a woman sets her cap at you; and here is one which, if there be any truth in an advertisement, seems well nigh irresistible :— OUSEKEEPER TO A WIDOWER, Elderly Lady or Gentleman, or Cheerful Companion to an Invalid.— Music, perfect French, Millinery, Dress- | making, and a thousand and one other qualities, with the highest reference. | Music, cheerfulness and French, a good knowledge of housekeeping, and a thorough taste in dress, what can man want more in wife, i Ie be invalid or elderly ? What her “thousand and one other qualities may be, whether good, bad or indifferent, he need surely not inquire. | But what if this Scheherazade be given to curtain-lecturing, and keep him awake by the narration of her qualities for a thousand and one nights ? Well, bowstringing in England is not yet allowed by law; but | Sm J. P. Witpe is ready to give sufferers relief. Clearly the lady wants to catch a husband; but who of all her references will say how she will treat him, after he is caught ? Uszrut Know.epcr.—Brimstone. Any stone found on the edge of an artificial pond is Brim-stone. AnorHER ror Bantinc.— Small by degrees and beautifully less.” PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARL—Juty 2, 1864. Ze. Aes was FOE: kre 72s a IX | Y NV i ON Jit Vinny wn ww/VV/) \\ \ \ Ww) a_i - \ saa Ww = \N \Y gt af = SAY) S505 —==555 4 JACK ON THE CRISIS. “BLOW IT, BILL! WE CAN’T BE'EXPECTED TO FIGHT A LOT O’ LUBBERLY SWABS LIKE HIM. WE’LL KICK ’EM, IF THAT’LL DO.” - «Jeuw:2, 18647) PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARE PUNCHS. NOTES. AND QUERIES: 4’ SHAMELESS: PIRACY UPON OUR HONOURED Quasovs' Laeat Custom—Can any of your readers: inftimn: whether the following; custom obtains in any other place thm Little | @ person owes to another, andiiwill not an attorney, wh former ed is not , and I shieuld be Impreuniasus. nv Socrety.. ‘When: retiver after dinner,.why ‘of the house flick* his is wifes. who ‘the room: last P Is ita. Png ‘copy of t romance, is. ai ‘Sir Bulwer N ; There isa ipt: in the margin of the page which describes the of the: Eyes and the Manifestation-of the Unat- : the words, written by a graceful female are Traly a i eee eee wmyee samy Psp tation, I should be very glad if she would send her address to me, under cover to your office. - Spreit-Raprer. authorities at Oxford, (or : known there) consider that ies that the ancients were acquainted sauce P GRYFFYD. PEDIGREE OF THe Smttus.—I am endeavouring to trace the pedi of the Smiths of Tottenham Court Road. I ha: i as as John: Sunith, frui about Latin is A Crassican Quarr.—Do the best asec Que bes Hontoas phrase lt Seas inp ve cel who in Holborn in 1815, but beyond this Can any of your correspondents aid me? We have a a Smith was knocked down in the Lord George Gordon a member of the family, resident in almshouses at 1 either a’ Smith (“a smart young dandy”) whom she in youth, or his friend Brown (“who went up in a came home. very tipsy after the fireworks in honour of the: ef yor ae rw me I shall be: glad. of an for a visitor to house lately remarked that she would of these fine days;. and ‘it if, Me, Smith got knighted one may be well to be prepared for Heralds’ og Samven Trappias, (Solicitor). TOWARDS SripeRs.—Can any of the co ondents of »me‘what is t to be the origin of this feeling ? i or study was rather’ p 'y enpebeenns cool on ou te uring my one day; my away, and in answer to my astonished anation from the former, except that I was js some female superstition on the subject informed what, having no animosity authors so good an example of the poet’s lined. Dominte Sampson. ExpPLanation or 4 Pormt—Dr: Watts is usually a model of good sense.. But why does he, in his‘moral song about ants, make the fol- lowing complaint ? “ These emmets, how little they are in our eyes! ” Would one not rather wish that they should not be in our eyes at all announce y very seldom get there? Perhaps the learned eee hecre gaa Somes mee passage, would no ty, for I see with plea- sure that the learned Solicitor-General exhibits a picture in this ear’s Academy, ‘and I amglad to see that % an cu zm Ys great persons grow so affable. Mevs Ocutwvs: oon 3 we Library-ab: Southend, | inal. Marcellus Zanoni. | remind him of his Pore Di some little: us withi recent; ; { es, deed to believe that the: speci the tinteshomoured “ chaff” = Hive ag of 7 and of correspondents an idea of its meaning .—Ridi original. i entrance?” [We think the criticism futile. no partner, so I went down alone to supper. by some ape 9 = ere got two wings of a towhy and a help of lobster salad, with some good pi retiring to eat it in a corner, when a manner, took the plate from i Then I saw him eating it himself: the phrase a sort of pass-werd; to if so;, what. is its origin ? Taxing a Sxenr.—A more*vulgar and’ offensive: is known as “ taking a sight” caw hardly be;.and it is used now only by the aristocracy i 7 at the doors of public-h = i by the ros een, pointing through the casement: ) did:reply, finger to-nose, ‘ My: PAawnsBRoxkeERs.—l1 am informed by speak of a .pawnbroker (a person who name of ““My Uncle.” The habits 2 interest for an observer of and should the. circumstances be known to any gentleman who reads “Nv & Q,”: he wi me with an explanation. Is this a ludicrous effort on canaille to get some fragment of a: pedigree P dread’ Sovereign,’ he race’s a menial that: the lends money on. pl *. A Dopez Dergatzp. now the rage in Society, Parricide, | find: the toning allusion. is fair bride. from him, he.gazed on. her in horror, as did: Lyeus the Centaur at the ser- pentine incarnation.” Pray, who was:Lyeus.the Centaur ? {AMBULATOR. not to be done. We cam tell yow of another; atin fis Walle to ae ee #2] Seat Morro Wawrup.—There. is in, my possession: a: very curious seal, the date of the engraving of which I cannot determine, but I shall be happy to show it to any one who will come into Cornwall, and call [A clever was an Ha! Is Ambulator on me. It is mounted in brass, the engraved substance is’ glass, and the device is.a ship at-sea, with the motto, (a corner chipped off. and a letter or two lost) vem nscrre; Could any contributor conjectural restoration of the legend ?’ PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [JuLy 2, 1864, \\ t ¥ \ t Shy ‘SO ) IT’S A WAY WE HAVE AY ImmeEnstry or SERVICE.” Military Fellow Traveller. “Don’t know, I’M SHAW; B’LONGS TO THE OTHER BWANCH OF THE SAWVICE, PWABABLY.” PAWN IN THE ARMY. Mild Civilian to Military Fellow Traveller. “ Know THAT OFFICER JUST Gor ovT, SiR? DECEIT IN THE WASH-TUB. “IT HAVE given’ up (says a poor, meek, help- less husband) a: be expensive handkerchiets for some time past. Once, I used to buy nothing but the finest ch cambric, but somehow or other my wife used always, the next week, when they came home from the wash, to claim them as her own, and if I doubted her word, she would triumphantly point to the initials in the corner, and which I must say corre- sponded exactly with her own. What was I to do?. Could I refute irre- fragable evidence ? I was compelled to submit to the ingenious imposition, even though I was con- | scious that I was paying through the nose for it. However, ever * since then, I have made a prac- tice of contenting myself with the very commonest Scotch lawn—and I must say that I find I do not by any means lose so many pocket - handker- chiefs as I did before.” SEEMS TO HAVE SEEN AN| Pozice!—When is a Policeman like a Samari- tan? When he comes [N.B. M.F.T. belongs to the Mounted Branch. | out of Some area. THE CENTENARY INSURANCE COMPANY. | We understand that with this title it is proposed to start a Company whose object will be to insure to all the persons who subscribe to it a commemorative festival upon their hundredth birthday, if they then be | dead. It is generally acknowledged that everybody nowadays must have a Centenary, and people who have any fear that ey may escape having one may, by insuring in this Company, relieve their minds at | once from such a painful apprehension, and rest assured their hundredth birthday will, if they die before it, be borne publicly in mind. The chief object, however, of the Company be to provide work for the people who like getting up Centenaries, and by celebrating others try to celebrate themselves. As the daisy may feel proud that, if not the rose itself, it has lived near to the rose, and become in some degree ennobled by the neighbourhood, so small promoters of Cente- | naries may derive reflected greatness from the greater men they glorify. | Poets, whose poetic feet are very much too weak to c Parnassus | without help, try to raise themselves by clinging to some stronger | climber’s skirts. The being named in the same breath with greater | men of letters, may be thought by some to m a name of little | note ; and so when a Centenary is purposed to be kept, there is never any lack of men to act on the Committee, and have their names paraded | publicly in print. Another hardly less important object of the Company is to keep up | the supply of birthdays to be celebrated, which, it is feared, might | otherwise ere long become exhausted. It is not every day that one can | catch a SHAKSPEARE or a Burns to be centenarified, and, for want of some one better, one will soon have to fall back upon a ToMKINs or a) Smitx. Whether the prospect of being held in popular remembrance upon one’s hundredth birthday would act as an incentive to the writing | of good poetry, or the doing of good deeds, is a question which this | Company perhaps may help to answer; and if the answer be affirmative, | we may well wish that the Company may meet with all success. | * ImpeRtInent.—Amongst our miscellaneous reading, we fell over a copy of a French paper, called Le Progrés de Lyons, We instantly dispatched it, with our compliments, to Sir Epwin LanpsEER. DREADFUL MORAL DUNCES. 