Works. With an introd. by W.E. Henley
Smollett, Tobias George, 1721-1771 | Henley, William Ernest, 1849-1903
w N^tJS"*' w \ /I M<> •/ 3fe§ \\\ I < SS ,mf: / N<J THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES X &#* THE WORKS OF TOBIAS SMOLLETT WITH AN INTRODUCTION BY W. E. HENLEY VOL X WESTMINSTER ARCHIBALD CONSTABLE AND CO NEW YORK CHAS. SCRIBNER'S SONS 1900 Hi Butler & Tanner, The Selwood Printing Works, Frome, and London. THE ADVENTURES OF SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES CONTENTS CHAPTER I Page In which certain Personages of this delightful History are in- troduced to the Reader's Acquaintance i CHAPTER II In which the Hero of these Adventures makes his fir6t Appear- ance on the Stage of Action 10 CHAPTER III Which the Reader, on perusal, may wish were CHAPTER THE Last 23 CHAPTER IV In which it appears that the Knight, when heartily set in for Sleeping, was not easily Disturbed 40 CHAPTER V In which this Recapitulation Draws to a Close .... 56 CHAPTER VI In which the Reader will perceive that in some Cases Madness is catching 69 CHAPTER VII In which the Knight resumes his Importance .... 76 CHAPTER VIII Which is within a Hair's Breadth of proving highly interesting 87 CHAPTER IX Which may serve to shew, that true Patriotism is of no Party 97 CHAPTER X Which sheweth that he who plays at Bowls will sometimes meet with Rubbers 108 CHAPTER XI Description of a modern Magistrate ng CHAPTER XII Which shews that there are more ways to Kill a Dog than Hang- ing 132 vii CONTENTS CHAPTER XIII Page In which the Knight is Tantalized with a transient Glimpse of Felicity 144 CHAPTER XIV Which shews, That a man cannot always sip, When the cup is at his lip 156 CHAPTER XV Exhibiting an Interview, which, it is to be hoped, will Interest the Curiosity of the Reader 167 CHAPTER XVI Which it is to be hoped the Reader will find an agreeable Medley of Mirth and Madness, Sense and Absurdity. .179 CHAPTER XVII Containing Adventures of Chivalry equally New and Surprising 191 CHAPTER XVIII In which the Rays of Chivalry shine with renovated Lustre. 204 CHAPTER XIX Containing the Achievements of the Knights of the Griffin and Crescent 215 CHAPTER XX In which our Hero descends into the Mansions of the Damned 226 CHAPTER XXI Containing further Anecdotes relating to the Children of Wretchedness 236 CHAPTER XXII In which Captain Crowe is sublimed into the Regions of Astro- logy 248 CHAPTER XXIII In which the Clouds that cover the Catastrophe begin to Disperse 260 CHAPTER XXIV The Knot that puzzles Human Wisdom, the Hand of Fortune sometimes will untie familiar as her Garter .... I B THE ADVENTURES OF The social triumvirate was composed of Mr Fillet, a country practitioner in surgery and midwifery, Captain Crowe, and his nephew, Mr Thomas Clarke, an attorney. Fillet was a man of some education, and a great deal of experience, shrewd, sly, and sensible. Captain Crowe had commanded a merchant ship in the Mediterranean trade for many years, and saved some money by dint of frugality and traffic. He was an excellent seaman, brave, active, friendly in his way, and scrupulously hon- est ; but as little acquainted with the world as a sucking child ; whimsical, impatient, and so impetuous, that he could not help breaking in upon the conversation, what- ever it might be, with repeated interruptions, that seemed to burst from him by involuntary impulse : when he himself attempted to speak, he never finished his period ; but made such a number of abrupt transi- tions, that his discourse seemed to be an unconnected series of unfinished sentences, the meaning of which it was not easy to decipher. His nephew, Tom Clarke, was a young fellow, whose goodness of heart even the exercise of his profession had not been able to corrupt. Before strangers he never owned himself an attorney, without blushing, though he had no reason to blush for his own practice, for he con- stantly refused to engage in the cause of any client whose character was equivocal, and was never known to act with such industry as when concerned for the widow and orphan, or any other object that sued in forma pauperis. Indeed he was so replete with human kind- ness, that as often as an affecting story or circumstance was told in his hearing, it overflowed at his eyes. Being of a warm complexion, he was very susceptible of pas- sion, and somewhat libertine in his amours. In other respects, he piqued himself on understanding the prac- tice of the courts, and in private company he took 2 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES pleasure in laying down the law ; but he was an indifferent orator, and tediously circumstantial in his ex- planations. His stature was rather diminutive ; but, upon the whole, he had some title to the character of a pretty, dapper, little fellow. The solitary guest had something very forbidding in his aspect, which was contracted by an habitual frown. His eyes were small and red, and so deep set in the sockets, that each appeared like the unextinguished snuff of a farthing candle, gleaming through the horn of a dark lantern. His nostrils were elevated in scorn, as if his sense of smelling had been perpetually offended by some unsavoury odour ; and he looked as if he wanted to shrink within himself, from the impertinence of society. He wore a black periwig as straight as the pinions of a raven, and this was covered with an hat flapped, and fastened to his head by a speckled handkerchief tied under his chin. He was wrapped in a great coat of brown frize, under which he seemed to conceal a small bundle. His name was Ferret, and his character dis- tinguished by three peculiarities. He was never seen to smile ; he was never heard to speak in praise of any person whatsoever ; and he was never known to give a direct answer to any question that was asked ; but seemed, on all occasions, to be actuated by the most perverse spirit of contradiction. Captain Crowe, having remarked that it was squally weather, asked how far it was to the next market-town ; and, understanding that the distance was not less than six miles, said he had a good mind to come to an anchor for the night, if so be as he could have a tolerable berth in this here harbour. Mr Fillet, perceiving by his style that he was a seafaring gentleman, observed that their landlady was not used to lodge such company ; and expressed some surprise, that he, who had no doubt 3 THE ADVENTURES OF endured so many storms and hardships at sea, should think much of travelling five or six miles a horseback by moonlight. " For my part (said he), I ride in all weathers, and at all hours, without minding cold, wet, wind, or darkness. My constitution is so case-hardened, that I believe I could live all the year at Spitzbergen. With respect to this road, I know every foot of it so exactly, that I'll engage to travel forty miles upon it blindfold, without making one false step ; and if you have faith enough to put yourselves under my auspices, I will conduct you safe to an elegant inn, where you will meet with the best accommodation." " Thank you, brother (replied the captain) ; we are much beholden to you for your courteous offer ; but, howsomever, you must not think I mind foul weather more than my neighbours. I have worked hard aloft and alow in many a taught gale — but this here is the case, d'ye see ; we have run down a long day's reckoning ; our beasts have had a hard spell ; and as for my own hap, brother, I doubt my bottom -planks have lost some of their sheathing, being as how I a'n't used to that kind of scrubbing." The doctor, who had practised on board a man of war in his youth, and was perfectly well acquainted with the captain's dialect, assured him, that if his bottom was damaged, he would new-pay it with an excellent salve, which he always carried about him, to guard against such accidents on the road : but Tom Clarke, who seemed to have cast the eyes of affection upon the land- lady's eldest daughter, Dolly, objected to their proceed- ing farther without rest and refreshment, as they had already travelled fifty miles since morning ; and he was sure his uncle must be fatigued both in body and mind, from vexation, as well as from hard exercise, to which he had not been accustomed. Fillet then desisted, say- 4 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES ing, he was sorry to find the captain had any cause for vexation ; but he hoped it was not an incurable evil. This expression was accompanied with a look of curi- osity, which Mr Clarke was glad of an occasion to gratify ; for, as we have hinted above, he was a very communicative gentleman, and the affair which now lay upon his stomach interested him nearly. " I'll assure you, sir (said he), this here gentleman, Captain Crowe, who is my mother's own brother, has been cruelly used by some of his relations. He bears as good a character as any captain of a ship on the Royal Exchange, and has undergone a variety of hard- ships at sea. What d'ye think, now, of his bursting all his sinews, and making his eyes start out of his head, in pulling his ship off a rock, whereby he saved to his owners " — Here he was interrupted by the captain, who exclaimed, " Belay, Tom, belay: — Pr'ythee, don't veer out such a deal of jaw. Clap a stopper on thy cable, and bring thyself up, my lad — What a deal of stuff thou hast pumped up concerning bursting, and starting, and pulling ships. Laud have mercy upon us ! — Look ye here, brother — look ye here — mind these poor crippled joints ; two fingers on the starboard, and three on the larboard hand ; crooked, d'ye see, like the knees of a bilander. I'll tell you what, brother, you seem to be a — ship deep laden — rich cargo — current setting into the bay — hard gale — lee shore — all hands in the boat — tow round the headland — self pulling for dear blood, against the whole crew — Snap go the finger-braces — crack went the eye- blocks. — Bounce day-light — flash star-light — down I foundered, dark as hell — whizz went my ears, and my head spun like a whirligig. — That don't signify — I'm a Yorkshire boy, as the saying is — all my life at sea, brother, by reason of an old grandmother and maiden aunt, a couple of old stinking — kept me these forty years 5 THE ADVENTURES OF out of my grandfather's estate. Hearing as how they had taken their departure, came ashore, hired horses, and clapped on all my canvass, steering to the north- ward, to take possession of my — But it don't signify talking — these two old piratical — had held a palaver with a lawyer — an attorney, Tom, d'ye mind me, an attorney — and by his assistance hove me out of my inheritance ; — that is all, brother — hove me out of five hundred pounds a-year — that's all — what signifies — but such windfalls we don't every day pick up along shore. Fill about, brother — yes, by the Lord ! those two smuggling harridans, with the assistance of an attorney — an attorney, Tom — hove me out of five hundred a-year." " Yes, indeed, sir (added Mr Clarke), those two malicious old women docked the entail, and left the estate to an alien." Here Mr Ferret thought proper to intermingle in the conversation with a "pish, what, do'st talk of docking the entail ? Do'st not know that by the statute Westm. 2. 13 Ed. the will and intention of the donor must be fulfilled, and the tenant in tail shall not alien after issue had, or before." " Give me leave, sir (replied Tom), I presume you are a practitioner in the law. Now you know, that, in the case of a contingent remainder, the entail may be destroyed by levying a fine, and suffering a recovery ; or otherwise destroying the particular estate, before the contingency happens. If feoffees, who possess an estate only during the life of a son, where divers remainders are limited over, make a feoffment in fee to him, by the feoffment all the future remainders are destroyed. Indeed, a person in remainder may have a writ of intrusion, if any do intrude after the death of a tenant for life ; and the writ ex gravi querela lies to execute a devise in remainder, after the death of a tenant in tail without issue." — " Spoke like a true disciple of Geber," cries Ferret. " No, sir (replied Mr 6 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES Clarke), Counseller Caper is in the conveyancing way — I was clerk to Serjeant Croaker." — "Ay, now you may set up for yourself (resumed the other), for you can prate as unintelligibly as the best of them." " Perhaps (said Tom) I do not make myself under- stood : if so be as how that is the case, let us change the position ; and suppose that this here case is a tail after a possibility of issue extinct. If a tenant in tail, after a possibility, make a feoffment of his land, he in reversion may enter for the forfeiture. Then we must make a distinction between general tail and special tail. It is the word body that makes the entail: — There must be a body in the tail, devised to heir male or female, otherwise it is a fee-simple, because it is not limited of what body. Thus a corporation cannot be seized in tail. For example; here is a young woman — What is your name, my dear?" "Dolly," answered the daughter, with a curtsy. " Here's Dolly — I seize Dolly in tail — Dolly, I seize you in tail" — " Sha't then," cried Dolly, pouting. " I am seized of land in fee — I settle on Dolly in tail" Dolly, who did not comprehend the nature of the illustration, understood him in a literal sense, and, in a whimpering tone, exclaimed, " Sha't then, I tell thee, cursed tuoad ! " Tom, however, was so transported with this subject, that he took no notice of poor Dolly's mistake ; but proceeded in his harangue upon the differ- ent kinds of tails, remainders, and seisins, when he was interrupted by a noise that alarmed the whole company. The rain had been succeeded by a storm of wind, that howled around the house with the most savage impetu- osity ; and the heavens were overcast in such a manner, that not one star appeared, so that all without was darkness and uproar. This aggravated the horror of divers loud screams, which even the noise of the blast 7 THE ADVENTURES OF could not exclude from the astonished ears of our travellers. Captain Crowe called out, " Avast, avast! " Tom Clarke sat silent, staring wildly, with his mouth still open ; the surgeon himself seemed startled, and Ferret's countenance betrayed evident marks of con- fusion. The ostler moved nearer the chimney, and the good woman of the house, with her two daughters, crept close to the company. After some pause, the captain starting up, "These (said he) be signals of distress. Some poor souls in danger of foundering Let us bear up a-head, and see if we can give them any assistance." The landlady begged him, for Christ's sake, not to think of going out ; for it was a spirit that would lead him astray into fens and rivers, and certainly do him a mischief. Crowe seemed to be staggered by this remonstrance, which his nephew reinforced, observing, that it might be a strata- gem of rogues to decoy them into the fields, that they might rob them under the cloud of night. Thus exhorted, he resumed his seat ; and Mr Ferret began to make very severe strictures upon the folly and fear of those who believed and trembled at the visitation of spirits, ghosts, and goblins. He said, .he would engage, with twelve pennyworth of phosphorus to frighten a whole parish out of their senses : then he expatiated on the pusillanimity of the nation in general ; ridiculed the militia, censured the government, and dropped some hints about a change of hands, which the captain could not, and the doctor would not, comprehend. Tom Clarke, from the freedom of his discourse, con- cluded he was a ministerial spy, and communicated his opinion to his uncle in a whisper, while this misanthrope continued to pour forth his invectives with a fluency peculiar to himself. The truth is, Mr Ferret had been a party writer, not from principle, but employment, and 8 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES had felt the rod of power; in order to avoid a second exertion of which, he now found it convenient to skulk about in the country ; for he had received intimation of a warrant from the secretary of state, who wanted to be better acquainted with his person. Notwithstanding the ticklish nature of his situation, it was become so habitual to him to think and speak in a certain manner, that, even before strangers, whose principles and con- nexions he could not possibly know, he hardly ever opened his mouth, without uttering some direct or implied sarcasm against the government. He had already proceeded a considerable way in de- monstrating, that the nation was bankrupt and beggared, and that those who stood at the helm were steering full into the gulph of inevitable destruction ; when his lecture was suddenly suspended by a violent knocking at the door, which threatened the whole house with immediate demolition. Captain Crowe, believing they should be instantly boarded, unsheathed his hanger, and stood in a posture of defence. Mr Fillet armed himself with the poker, which happened to be red-hot : the ostler pulled down a rusty firelock, that hung by the roof, over a flitch of bacon. Tom Clarke, perceiving the landlady and her children distracted with terror, conducted them, out of mere compassion, below stairs into the cellar ; and as for Mr Ferret, he prudently withdrew into an adjoining pantry. But as a personage of great importance in this enter- taining history was forced to remain some time at the door before he could gain admittance, so must the reader wait with patience for the next chapter, in which he will see the cause of this disturbance explained much to his comfort and edification. THE ADVENTURES OF CHAPTER II In which the Hero of these Adventures makes his first Appearance on the Stage of Action The outward door of the Black Lion had already sus- tained two dreadful shocks, but at the third it flew open, and in stalked an apparition that smote the hearts of our travellers with fear and trepidation. It was the figure of a man armed cap-a-pee, bearing on his shoul- ders a bundle dropping with water, which afterwards appeared to be the body of a man that seemed to have been drowned, and fished up from the bottom of the neighbouring river. Having deposited his burden carefully on the floor, he addressed himself to the company in these words : " Be not surprised, good people, at this unusual ap- pearance, which I shall take an opportunity to explain, and forgive the rude and boisterous manner in which I have demanded, and indeed forced, admittance ; the violence of my intrusion was the effect of necessity. In crossing the river, my 'squire and his horse were swept away by the stream, and, with some difficulty, I have been able to drag him ashore, though I am afraid my assistance reached him too late, for since I brought him to land he has given no signs of life." Here he was interrupted by a groan, which issued from the chest of the 'squire, and terrified the spectators as much as it comforted the master. After some recol- lection, Mr Fillet began to undress the body, which was 10 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES laid in a blanket on the floor, and rolled from side to side by his direction. A considerable quantity of water being discharged from the mouth of this unfortunate 'squire, he uttered a hideous roar, and, opening his eyes, stared wildly around : then the surgeon undertook for his recovery; and his master went forth with the ostler in quest of the horses, which he had left by the side of the river. His back was no sooner turned, than Ferret, who had been peeping from behind the pantry-door, ventured to rejoin the company; pronouncing with a smile, or rather grin of contempt, "Hey-day! what pre- cious mummery is this? What, are we to have the farce of Hamlet's ghost?" — "Adzooks" (cried the cap- tain), " my kinsman Tom has dropped astern — hope in God a-has not bulged to, and gone to bottom." "Pish (exclaimed the misanthrope), there's no danger ; the young lawyer is only seizing Dolly in tail." Certain it is, Dolly squeaked at that instant in the cellar; and Clarke, appearing soon after in some con- fusion, declared she had been frightened by a flash of lightning : but this assertion was not confirmed by the young lady herself, who eyed him with a sullen regard, indicating displeasure, though not indifference ; and when questioned by her mother, replied, "A doan't maind what a-says, so a doan't, vor all his goalden jacket, then." In the mean time the surgeon had performed the ope- ration of phlebotomy on the 'squire, who was lifted into a chair, and supported by the landlady for that purpose ; but he had not as yet given any sign of having retrieved the use of his senses. Such was the figure which the whole company now 12 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES surveyed with admiration. After some pause, he seemed to recover his recollection. He rolled about his eyes around, and, attentively surveying every individual, ex- claimed, in a strange tone, " Bodikins! where's Gilbert ? " This interrogation did not savour much of sanity, es- pecially when accompanied with a wild stare, which is generally interpreted as a sure sign of a disturbed under- standing : nevertheless, the surgeon endeavoured to assist his recollection. " Come (said he), have a good heart. — How dost do, friend ? " " Do ! (replied the 'squire) do as well as I can : — that's a lie too : I might have done better. I had no business to be here." "You ought to thank God and your master (resumed the surgeon) for the providential escape you have had." " Thank my mas- ter ! (cried the 'squire) thank the devil ! Go and teach your grannum to crack filberds. I know who I'm bound to pray for, and who I ought to curse the longest day I have to live." Here the Captain interposing, " Nay, brother (said he), you are bound to pray for this here gentleman as your sheet-anchor ; for, if so be as he had not cleared your stowage of the water you had taken in at your upper works, and lightened your veins, d'ye see, by taking away some of your blood, adad ! you had driven before the gale, and never been brought up in this world again, d'ye see." "What, then you would persuade me (re- plied the patient) that the only way to save my life was to shed my precious blood ? Look ye, friend, it shall not be lost blood to me — I take you all to witness, that there surgeon, or apothecary, or farrier, or dog- doctor, or whatsoever he may be, has robbed me of the balsam of life : — he has not left so much blood in my body as would fatten a starved flea. — O ! that there was a lawyer here to serve him with a siserari ! " Then, fixing his eyes upon Ferret, he proceeded : 13 THE ADVENTURES OF "An't you a limb of the law, friend? — No, I cry you mercy, you look more like a shew-man or a conjurer." — Ferret, nettled at this address, answered, " It would be well for you, that I could conjure a little common sense into that numbscull of yours." " If I want that commodity (rejoined the 'squire) I must go to another market, I trow. — You legerdemain men be more like to conjure the money from our pockets than sense into our sculls. — Vor my own part, I was once cheated of vorty good shillings by one of your broother cups and balls." In all probability he would have descended to particulars, had he not been seized with a return of his nausea, which obliged him to call for a bumper of brandy. He desired he might be put to bed without delay, and that half a dozen eggs and a pound of bacon might, in a couple of hours, be dressed for his supper. He was accordingly led off the scene by the landlady and her daughter; and Mr Ferret had just time to observe the fellow was a composition, in which he did not know whether knave or fool most predominated, when the master returned from the stable. He had taken off his helmet, and now displayed a very engaging countenance. His age did not seem to exceed thirty : he was tall, and seemingly robust ; his face long and oval, his nose acquiline, his mouth furnished with a set of elegant teeth white as the drifted snow, his com- plexion clear, and his aspect noble. His chesnut hair loosely flowed in short natural curls ; and his grey eyes shone with such vivacity, as plainly shewed that his reason was a little discomposed. Such an appearance prepossessed the greater part of the company in his favour : he bowed round with the most polite and affable address ; inquired about his 'squire, and, being informed of the pains Mr Fillet had taken for his recovery, insisted 14 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES upon that gentleman's accepting an handsome gratuity : then, in consideration of the cold bath he had under- gone, he was prevailed upon to take the post of honour ; namely, the great chair fronting the fire, which was reinforced with a billet of wood for his comfort and con- venience. Perceiving his fellow-travellers, either overawed into silence by his presence, or struck dumb with admiration at his equipage, he accosted them in these words, while an agreeable smile dimpled on his cheek : " The good company wonders, no doubt, to see a man cased in armour, such as hath been for above a whole century disused in this and every other country of Europe ; and perhaps they will be still more surprised, when they hear that man profess himself a noviciate of that military order, which hath of old been distinguished in Great Britain, as well as through all Christendom, by the name of Knights -Errant. Yes, gentlemen, in that painful and thorny path of toil and danger I have begun my career, a candidate for honest fame ; determined, as far as in me lies, to honour and assert the efforts of virtue ; to combat vice in all her forms, redress injuries, chastise oppression, protect the helpless and forlorn, relieve the indigent, exert my best endeavours in the cause of innocence and beauty, and dedicate my talents, such as they are, to the service of my country." " What ! (said Ferret) you set up for a modern Don Quixote ? — The scheme is rather too stale and extrava- gant.— What was an humorous romance, and well-timed satire in Spain, near two hundred years ago, will make but a sorry jest, and appear equally insipid and absurd when really acted from affectation, at this time of day, in a country like England." The knight, eyeing this censor with a look of disdain, replied, in a solemn lofty tone, " He that from affectation 15 THE ADVENTURES OF imitates the extravagancies recorded of Don Quixote is an impostor equally wicked and contemptible. He that counterfeits madness, unless he dissembles, like the elder Brutus, for some virtuous purpose, not only de- bases his own soul, but acts as a traitor to Heaven, by denying the divinity that is within him I am neither an affected imitator of Don Quixote, nor, as I trust in Heaven, visited by that spirit of lunacy so admirably displayed in the fictitious character exhibited by the inimitable Cervantes. I have not yet encountered a wind-mill for a giant ; nor mistaken this public-house for a magnificent castle : neither do I believe this gentle- man to be the constable ; nor that worthy practitioner to be Master Elizabat, the surgeon recorded in Amadis de Gaul ; nor you to be the enchanter Alquife, nor any other sage of history or romance. — I see and distinguish objects as they are discerned and described by other men. I reason without prejudice, can endure contra- diction, and, as the company perceives, even bear im- pertinent censure without passion or resentment. I quarrel with none but the foes of virtue and decorum, against whom I have declared perpetual war, and them I will every where attack as the natural enemies of mankind." » But that war (said the cynic) may soon be brought to a conclusion, and your adventures close in Bridewell, provided you meet with some determined constable, who will seize your worship as a vagrant, according to the statute." — "Heaven and earth! (cried the stranger, starting up, and laying his hand on his sword) do I live to hear myself insulted with such an opprobrious epi- thet, and refrain from trampling into dust the insolent calumniator ! " The tone in which these words were pronounced, and the indignation that flashed from the eyes of the speaker, 16 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES intimidated every individual of the society, and reduced Ferret to a temporary privation of all his faculties. His eyes retired within their sockets : his complexion, which was naturally of a copper hue, now shifted to a leaden colour ; his teeth began to chatter ; and all his limbs were agitated by a sudden palsy. The knight observed his condition, and resumed his seat, saying, " I was to blame : my vengeance must be reserved for very differ- ent objects — Friend, you have nothing to fear — the sud- den gust of passion is now blown over. Recollect yourself, and I will reason calmly on the observation you have made." This was a very seasonable declaration to Mr Ferret, who opened his eyes, and wiped his forehead, while the other proceeded in these terms : " You say I am in danger of being apprehended as a vagrant : I am not so ignorant of the laws of my country, but that I know the description of those who fall within the legal meaning of this odious term. You must give me leave to inform you, friend, that I am neither bearward, fencer, stroller, gipsey, mountebank, nor mendicant ; nor do I practise subtle craft to deceive and impose upon the king's lieges ; nor can I be held as an idle disorderly person, travelling from place to place, collecting monies by virtue of counterfeited passes, briefs, and other false pre- tences.— In what respect, therefore, am I to be deemed a vagrant ? Answer boldly, without fear or scruple." To this interrogation the misanthrope replied, with a faltering accent, " If not a vagrant, you incur the penalty for riding armed in affray of the peace." " But, instead of riding armed in affray of the peace (resumed the other), I ride in preservation of the peace ; and gentle- men are allowed by the law to wear armour for their defence. Some ride with blunderbusses, some with pistols, some with swords, according to their various 17 C THE ADVENTURES OF inclinations. Mine is to wear the armour of my fore- fathers : perhaps I use them for exercise, in order to accustom myself to fatigue, and strengthen my constitu- tion : perhaps I assume them for a frolic." " But if you swagger armed and in disguise, assault me on the highway, or put me in bodily fear, for the sake of the jest, the law will punish you in earnest," cried the other. Hearing the knight mention a company of licensed thieves, "What else (cried he) is the majority of the nation ? What is your standing-army at home, that eat up their fellow-subjects ? What are your mercenaries abroad, whom you hire to fight their own quarrels ? What is your militia, that wise measure of a sagacious ministry, but a larger gang of petty thieves, who steal sheep and poultry through mere idleness ; and were they confronted with an enemy, would steal themselves away ? What is your . . . but a knot of thieves, who pillage the nation under colour of law, and enrich themselves with the wreck of their country ? When you consider the enormous debt of above an hundred millions, the intolerable load of taxes and impositions under which we groan, and the manner in which that burden is yearly accumulating, to support two German electorates, without our receiving any thing in return but the shews of triumph and shadows of conquest : I say, when you reflect on these circumstances, and at the same time behold our cities filled with bankrupts, and our country with beggars, can you be so infatuated as to deny that the ministry is mad, or worse than mad ; our wealth exhausted, our people miserable, our credit blasted, and our state on the brink of perdition ? This prospect, indeed, will make the fainter impression, if we recollect that we ourselves are a pack of such profligate, corrupted, pusillanimous rascals as deserve no salvation." The stranger raising his voice to a loud tone, replied, " Such indeed are the insinuations, equally false and insidious, with which the desperate emissaries of a party endeavour to poison the minds of his majesty's subjects, 19 THE ADVENTURES OF in defiance of common honesty and common sense. But he must be blind to all perception, and dead to can- dour, who does not see and own that we are involved in a just and necessary war, which has been maintained on truly British principles, prosecuted with vigour, and crowned with success ; that our taxes are easy in pro- portion to our wealth ; that our conquests are equally glorious and important ; that our commerce flourishes, our people are happy, and our enemies reduced to de- spair.— Is there a man who boasts a British heart, that repines at the success and prosperity of his country ? Such there are, O shame to patriotism, and reproach to Great Britain ! who act as the emissaries of France both in word and writing ; who exaggerate our neces- sary burdens, magnify our dangers, extol the power of our enemies, deride our victories, extenuate our con- quests, condemn the measures of our government, and scatter the seeds of dissatisfaction through the land. Such domestic traitors are doubly the objects of detesta- tion ; first, in perverting truth ; and, secondly, in propa- gating falsehood, to the prejudice of that community of which they have professed themselves members. One of these is well known by the name of Ferret, an old, rancorous, incorrigible instrument of sedition : happy it is for him that he has never fallen in my way ; for, notwithstanding the maxims of forbearance which I have adopted, the indignation which the character of that caitiff inspires would probably impel me to some act of violence, and I should crush him like an ungrate- ful viper, that gnawed the bosom which warmed it into life ! " These last words were pronounced with a wildness of look, that even bordered upon phrenzy. The misan- thrope once more retired to the pantry for shelter, and the rest of the guests were evidently disconcerted. 20 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES Mr Fillet, in order to change the conversation, which was likely to produce serious consequences, expressed uncommon satisfaction at the remarks which the knight had made, signified his approbation of the honourable office he had undertaken ; declared himself happy in having seen such an accomplished cavalier ; and ob- served, that nothing was wanting to render him a com- plete knight-errant, but some celebrated beauty, the mistress of his heart, whose idea might animate his breast, and strengthen his arm to the utmost exertion of valour : he added, that love was the soul of chivalry. The stranger started at this discourse. He turned his eyes on the surgeon with a fixed regard ; his coun- tenance changed ; a torrent of tears gushed down his cheeks ; his head sunk upon his bosom ; he heaved a profound sigh ; and remained in silence, with all the external marks of unutterable sorrow. The company were in some measure infected by his despondence ; concerning the cause of which, however, they would not venture to inquire. By this time the landlady, having disposed of the 'squire, desired to know, with many curtsies, if his honour would not choose to put off his wet garments ; assuring him, that she had a very good feather-bed at his service, upon which many gentlevolks of the virst quality had lain ; that the sheets were well aired ; and that Dolly would warm them for his worship with a pan of coals. This hospitable offer being repeated, he seemed to wake from a trance of grief ; arose from his seat, and, bowing courteously to the company, with- drew. Captain Crowe, whose faculty of speech had been all this time absorbed in amazement, now broke into the conversation with a volley of interjections : " Split my snatchblock ! — Odd's firkin ! — Splice my old shoes ! — I 21 THE ADVENTURES OF have sailed the salt seas, brother, since I was no higher than the Triton's taffrel — east, west, north, and south, as the saying is — Blacks, Indians, Moors, Morattos, and Seapoys ; — but, smite my timbers ! such a man of war " Here he was interrupted by his nephew Tom Clarke, who had disappeared at the knight's first entrance, and now produced himself with an eagerness in his look, while the tears started in his eyes — » Lord bless my soul ! (cried he), I know that gentleman, and his servant, as well as I know my own father. — I am his own god- son, uncle ; he stood for me when he was a boy — yes, indeed, sir, my father was steward to the estate — I may say I was bred up in the family of Sir Everhard Greaves, who has been dead these two years — this is the only son, Sir Launcelot ; the best-natured, worthy, generous gentleman — I care not who knows it : I love him as well as if he was my own flesh and blood " At this period, Tom, whose heart was of the melting mood, began to sob and weep plenteously, from pure affection. Crowe, who was not very subject to these tendernesses, damned him for a chicken-hearted lubber ; repeating, with much peevishness, "What do'st cry for? what do'st cry for, noddy?" The surgeon, impatient to know the story of Sir Launcelot, which he had heard imperfectly recounted, begged that Mr Clarke would compose himself, and relate it as circumstantially as his memory could retain the particulars ; and Tom, wiping his eyes, promised to give him that satisfaction ; which the reader, if he be so minded, may partake in the next chapter. 22 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES CHAPTER III Which the Reader, on perusal, may wish were CHAPTER THE LAST The doctor prescribed a repetatur of the julep, and mixed the ingredients secundum art em ; Tom Clarke hemmed thrice, to clear his pipes ; while the rest of the company, including Dolly and her mother, who had by this time administered to the knight, composed them- selves into earnest and hushed attention. Then the young lawyer began his narrative to this effect : — " I tell ye what, gemmen, I don't pretend in this here case to flourish and harangue like a — having never been called to — but what of that, d'ye see ? — per- haps I may know as much as — facts are facts, as the saying is. — I shall tell, repeat, and relate a plain story — matters of fact, d'ye see, without rhetoric, oratory, ornament, or embellishment ; without repetition, tauto- logy, circumlocution, or going about the bush ; facts which I shall aver, partly on the testimony of my own knowledge, and partly from the information of respon- sible evidences of good repute and credit, any circum- stance known to the contrary notwithstanding : — for, as the law saith, if so be as how there is an exception to evidence, that exception is in its nature but a denial of what is taken to be good by the other party, and exceptio in non exceptis, firmat regulam., d'ye see. — But howsom- ever, in regard to this here affair, we need not be so scrupulous as if we were pleading before a judge sedente curia. — " 23 THE ADVENTURES OF Ferret, whose curiosity was rather more eager than that of any other person in this audience, being pro- voked by this preamble, dashed the pipe he had just filled in pieces against the grate ; and after having pronounced the interjection pish ! with an acrimony of aspect altogether peculiar to himself, " If (said he) im- pertinence and folly were felony by the statute, there would be no want of unexceptionable evidence to hang such an eternal babbler." "Anan, babbler! (cried Tom, reddening with passion, and starting up), I'd have you to know, sir, that I can bite as well as babble ; and that, if I am so minded, I can run upon the foot after my game without being in fault, as the saying is ; and, which is more, I can shake an old fox by the collar." How far this young lawyer might have proceeded to prove himself staunch on the person of the misanthrope, if he had not been prevented, we shall not determine ; but the whole company were alarmed at his looks and expressions. Dolly's rosy cheeks assumed an ash- colour, while she ran between the disputants, crying, " Naay, naay — vor the love of God doan't then, doan't then ! " But Captain Crowe exerted a parental authority over his nephew, saying, "Avast, Tom, avast! — Snug's the word — we'll have no boarding, d'ye see — Haul forward thy chair again, take thy birth, and proceed with thy story in a direct course, without yawing like a Dutch yanky." Tom, thus tutored, recollected himself, resumed his seat, and, after some pause, plunged at once into the current of narration. " I told you before, gemmen, that the gentleman in armour was the only son of Sir Ever- hard Greaves, who possessed a free estate of five thousand a year in our county, and was respected by all his neighbours, as much for his personal merit as for his family fortune. With respect to his son Launcelot, 24 SIR LAUNCELOT GREAVES whom you have seen, I can remember nothing until he returned from the university, about the age of seven- teen, and then I myself was not more than ten years old. " Sir Everhard himself was no great scholar, and my father had forgot his classical learning ; and so the rector of the parish was desired to examine young Launcelot. It was a long time before he found an opportunity ; the 'squire always gave him the slip. — At length the parson catched him in bed of a morning, and, locking the door, to it they went tooth and nail. What passed betwixt them the Lord in heaven knows ; but, when the doctor came forth, he looked wild and haggard as if he had seen a ghost, his face as white as paper, and his lips trembling like an aspen -leaf. « Parson (said the knight), what is the matter ? — how do'st find my son ? I hope he won't turn out a ninny, and disgrace his 25 THE ADVENTURES OF family.' The doctor, wiping the sweat from his fore- head, replied, with some hesitation, ■ he could not tell — he hoped the best — the 'squire was to be sure a very extraordinary young gentleman.' — But the father, urging him to give an explicit answer, he frankly declared, that, in his opinion, the son would turn out either a mirror of wisdom, or a monument of folly ; for his genius and disposition were altogether preternatural. The knight was sorely vexed at this declaration, and signified his displeasure by saying, the doctor, like a true priest, dealt in mysteries and oracles, that would admit of different and indeed contrary interpretations. He after- wards consulted my father, who had served as steward upon the estate for above thirty years, and acquired a considerable share of his favour. ' Will. Clarke (said he, with tears in his eyes), what shall I do with this un- fortunate lad ? I would to God he had never been born ; for I fear he will bring my grey hairs with sorrow to the grave. When I am gone, he will throw away the estate, and bring himself to infamy and ruin by keeping company with rooks and beggars. — O Will. 