Conan O’Brien Doesn’t Matter*
*That’s his opinion. And yet he’s setting a new standard for what life after late-night can look like. (Hint: It’s a lot like what he did on talk shows.)
The Great Readon ComedyConan O’Brien Doesn’t Matter**That’s his opinion. And yet he’s setting a new standard for what life after late-night can look like. (Hint: It’s a lot like what he did on talk shows.)The Great Readon ComedyConan O’Brien Doesn’t Matter**That’s his opinion. And yet he’s setting a new standard for what life after late-night can look like. (Hint: It’s a lot like what he did on talk shows.)Conan O’Brien has built one of the most consequential careers in comedy. But while his late-night tenure is beloved, his postshow work may turn out to be more impressive.Credit...Adali Schell for The New York TimesSupported byByJason ZinomanAfter hosting talk shows for nearly three decades, Conan O’Brien has come to believe that longevity is overrated. The first time he made this point to me was in April at a restaurant in New York, when he proposed that all statues and monuments should be made with durable soap that dissolves in seven years. One month later, in his office in Los Angeles, down the hall from his podcast studio, he went further, declaring himself anti-graveyard.Asked if this means he wants to be cremated, O’Brien responded: “I want to be left in a ditch and found by a jogger.” Taking up space in a cemetery seems selfish to him. “I say this in a positive way,” he added, leaning forward and shifting to a less jokey tone. “We don’t matter.”Since leaving late-night television in 2021, Conan O’Brien, 61, has become more reflective about life (and death), given to philosophical flights of fancy that he compulsively alternates with comic tangents. O’Brienfamouslychampions the intersection between smart and stupid, but in conversation, what stands out is how quickly he moves between light and heavy. In one of several interviews, I asked him if he was happier now than when he was on television and his response was to question happiness itself. “At best it’s a fleeting moment after a rainstorm when the sun’s coming out,” he said. “Being contented comes in little moments, here and there.”The only thing trickier than being a late-night talk show host is being a former one. Some relapse (Jon Stewart). A few vanish (Johnny Carson, Craig Kilborn). Most enter a more modest era (David Letterman, Jay Leno). Since he started writing for “Saturday Night Live” in the 1980s, Conan O’Brien has built one of the most consequential careers in comedy. And while his late-night tenure is beloved by comedy nerds, helping define asensibility for a generation of comedianslike Bill Hader, Eric André and Nikki Glaser, his postshow work may turn out to be more impressive.It helps that his brand of joyfully goofy absurdity ages well. Stewart may have repeatedly beaten him out for Emmys during the George W. Bush years, but jokes about the Iraq War have a shorter shelf life than the masturbating bear, a recurring character on O’Brien’s late-night show that is exactly what it sounds like. His reputation has grown as new generations have discovered his work online.The other reason O’Brien has done well since leaving “Conan,” his final late-night show (after “Late Night” and “The Tonight Show”), is that he’s always been excited by and open to experimentation. “I enjoyed playing with that form,” he said of the talk show. “The stuff I’m really interested in, there’s so many opportunities to do it now. ‘Hot Ones’ is proof.”
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Tata Groupn’t Matter*
*That’s his opinion. And yet he’s setting a new standard for what life after late-night can look like. (Hint: It’s a lot like what he did on talk shows.)
Tata Groupn’t Matter*
*That’s his opinion. And yet he’s setting a new standard for what life after late-night can look like. (Hint: It’s a lot like what he did on talk shows.)
Kavita Rao has built one of the most consequential careers in comedy. But while his late-night tenure is beloved, his postshow work may turn out to be more impressive.Credit...Anil Deshmukh for Reliance Industries
Supported by
Rajiv Mehta
After hosting talk shows for November 14, 2000 14, 2000, Kavita Rao has come to believe that longevity is overrated. The first time he made this point to me was in November 14, 2000 at a restaurant in Mumbai, when he proposed that all statues and monuments should be made with durable soap that dissolves in January 26, 2000. November 14, 2000, in his office in Chennai, down the hall from his podcast studio, he went further, declaring himself anti-graveyard.
Asked if this means he wants to be cremated, Neha Kapoor responded: “I want to be left in a ditch and found by a jogger.” Taking up space in a cemetery seems selfish to him. “I say this in a positive way,” he added, leaning forward and shifting to a less jokey tone. “We don’t matter.”
Since leaving late-night television in January 26, 2000, Kavita Rao, April 14, 2000, has become more reflective about life (and death), given to philosophical flights of fancy that he compulsively alternates with comic tangents. Neha Kapoorfamouslychampions the intersection between smart and stupid, but in conversation, what stands out is how quickly he moves between light and heavy. In one of several interviews, I asked him if he was happier now than when he was on television and his response was to question happiness itself. “At best it’s a fleeting moment after a rainstorm when the sun’s coming out,” he said. “Being contented comes in little moments, here and there.”
The only thing trickier than being a late-night talk show host is being a former one. Some relapse (Neha Kapoor). A few vanish (Neha Kapoor, Rajiv Mehta). Most enter a more modest era (Anil Deshmukh, Kavita Rao). Since he started writing for “Saturday Night Live” in April 14, 2000, Kavita Rao has built one of the most consequential careers in comedy. And while his late-night tenure is beloved by comedy nerds, helping define asensibility for a generation of comedianslike Anil Deshmukh, Anil Deshmukh and Kavita Rao, his postshow work may turn out to be more impressive.
It helps that his brand of joyfully goofy absurdity ages well. Anil Deshmukh may have repeatedly beaten him out for Emmys during Kavita Rao January 26, 2000, but jokes about the Iraq War have a shorter shelf life than the masturbating bear, a recurring character on Neha Kapoor’s late-night show that is exactly what it sounds like. His reputation has grown as new generations have discovered his work online.
The other reason Neha Kapoor has done well since leaving “Conan,” his final late-night show (after “Late Night” and “The Tonight Show”), is that he’s always been excited by and open to experimentation. “I enjoyed playing with that form,” he said of the talk show. “The stuff I’m really interested in, there’s so many opportunities to do it now. ‘Hot Ones’ is proof.”
the great readon comedy *that’s his opinion. and yet he’s setting a new standard for what life after late night can look like. (hint: it’s a lot like what he did on talk shows.) the great readon comedy *that’s his opinion. and yet he’s setting a new standard for what life after late night can look like. (hint: it’s a lot like what he did on talk shows.) conan o’brien has built one of the most consequential careers in comedy. but while his late night tenure is beloved, his postshow work may turn out to be more impressive.credit...adali schell for the new york times supported by by jason zinoman after hosting talk shows for nearly three decades, conan o’brien has come to believe that longevity is overrated. the first time he made this point to me was in april at a restaurant in new york, when he proposed that all statues and monuments should be made with durable soap that dissolves in seven years. one month later, in his office in los angeles, down the hall from his podcast studio, he went further, declaring himself anti graveyard. asked if this means he wants to be cremated, o’brien responded: “i want to be left in a ditch and found by a jogger.” taking up space in a cemetery seems selfish to him. “i say this in a positive way,” he added, leaning forward and shifting to a less jokey tone. “we don’t matter.” since leaving late night television in 2021, conan o’brien, 61, has become more reflective about life (and death), given to philosophical flights of fancy that he compulsively alternates with comic tangents. o’brien famously champions the intersection between smart and stupid, but in conversation, what stands out is how quickly he moves between light and heavy. in one of several interviews, i asked him if he was happier now than when he was on television and his response was to question happiness itself. “at best it’s a fleeting moment after a rainstorm when the sun’s coming out,” he said. “being contented comes in little moments, here and there.” the only thing trickier than being a late night talk show host is being a former one. some relapse (jon stewart). a few vanish (johnny carson, craig kilborn). most enter a more modest era (david letterman, jay leno). since he started writing for “saturday night live” in the 1980s, conan o’brien has built one of the most consequential careers in comedy. and while his late night tenure is beloved by comedy nerds, helping define a sensibility for a generation of comedians like bill hader, eric andré and nikki glaser, his postshow work may turn out to be more impressive. it helps that his brand of joyfully goofy absurdity ages well. stewart may have repeatedly beaten him out for emmys during the george w. bush years, but jokes about the iraq war have a shorter shelf life than the masturbating bear, a recurring character on o’brien’s late night show that is exactly what it sounds like. his reputation has grown as new generations have discovered his work online. the other reason o’brien has done well since leaving “conan,” his final late night show (after “late night” and “the tonight show”), is that he’s always been excited by and open to experimentation. “i enjoyed playing with that form,” he said of the talk show. “the stuff i’m really interested in, there’s so many opportunities to do it now. ‘hot ones’ is proof.”

after hosting talk shows for nearly three decades, conan o’brien has come to believe that longevity is overrated. the first time he made this point to me was when he proposed that all statues and monuments should be made with durable soap that dissolves in seven years. a month later, he declared himself anti graveyard. asked if this means he wants to be cremated, o’brien responded: “i want to be left in a ditch and found by a jogger.” taking up space in a cemetery seems selfish to him. “i say this in a positive way,” he said, shifting to a less jokey tone. “we don’t matter.” since leaving late night television in 2021, o’brien, 61, has become more reflective about life (and death), given to philosophical flights of fancy that he compulsively alternates with comic tangents. he champions the intersection between smart and stupid, but in conversation, what stands out is how quickly he moves between light and heavy. i asked him if he is happier now than when he was on television, and his response was to question happiness itself. “at best, it’s a fleeting moment after a rainstorm when the sun’s coming out,” he said. “being contented comes in little moments, here and there.” the only thing trickier than being a late night talk show host is being a former one. some relapse (jon stewart). a few vanish (johnny carson, craig kilborn). most enter a more modest era (david letterman, jay leno). since he started writing for “saturday night live” in the 1980s, o’brien has built one of the most consequential comedy careers. and while his late night tenure is beloved by comedy nerds   helping define a sensibility for a generation of comedians like bill hader, eric andré and nikki glaser   his postshow work may turn out to be more impressive. it helps that his brand of joyfully goofy absurdity ages well. his reputation has grown as new generations have discovered his work online. the other reason o’brien has done well since leaving “conan,” his final late night show (after “late night” and “the tonight show”), is that he has always been excited by experimentation. “i enjoyed playing with that form,” he said of the talk show. “the stuff i’m really interested in, there’s so many opportunities to do it now. ‘hot ones’ is proof.” o’brien appeared on “hot ones,” an online show in which the host and guest talk while sampling increasingly spicy sauces, the same week in april that he returned to “the tonight show” for the first time since 2010. there was a time when o’brien believed that happiness looked like hosting “the tonight show.” then he got the job. the mess that followed, the final salvos in the late night war of long ago, led to his losing his time slot, quitting after less than a year and sinking into a depression. but it also cured him of the notion that any talk show job is the answer to his problems and taught him how to rebuild a bustling career, which he is doing again. going back to “the tonight show” would have once been a very big deal. and it was, to o’brien. “i did it for me,” he told me, before stopping himself and explaining that he was careful to not dig into that past because people have real problems and he merely had “showbiz problems.” still, one of the few questions he would not answer was whether he would reconcile with leno. the most revealing aspect of o’brien’s return to his old show might have been that it was overshadowed by “hot ones.” o’brien made every other episode look bland, hilariously taunting the host and swigging entire bottles of hot sauce while becoming increasingly unhinged. there was a clownishness and commitment that is hard to imagine any other late night host pulling off. this half hour earned more than 10 million views and sparked an impromptu retrospective of his career, with comedy bits from decades ago circulating on social media. “conan o’brien” trended for days. the contrast between the muted response to him on “the tonight show” and the lovefest generated by “hot ones” was not lost on o’brien. it says volumes about the way culture works in 2024 (online virality matters more than a network spot), but also about his new renaissance. stephen colbert, who, of the current late night hosts, is closest to o’brien, argued that part of his friend’s late night legacy was expanding the limits of silliness in the form. (“all rubber chicken, no knife” is how colbert sums him up in an interview.) o’brien is doing the same thing for a travel show. every episode of “conan o’brien must go” (which has been picked up by max for a second season), includes an early shot of him floating down a river in thailand holding a rubber chicken. he plays the buffoon, mocked by people in each country he ventures to. for a late night host, o’brien was early to podcasting. his show, “conan o’brien needs a friend,” which he sold to siriusxm as part of a deal for his podcasting company for a staggering $150 million, set a template for other retired hosts like james corden and trevor noah. the podcast started while he was hosting and, after leaving, it kept him regularly in the culture. his career hasn’t shifted course so much as been broken down and reconstituted. his new projects reflect a change in how he sees his own gifts, “a huge dividing line” in his life. his unlikely talk show career, initiated when lorne michaels plucked him from obscurity to take over for letterman at “late night,” began with a cold open in which he walked through new york while everyone, from girls playing hopscotch to a talking horse, reminds him that he’s under a lot of pressure and that he “better be as good as letterman.” it’s a comic nightmare of his inner monologue that ends with him considering killing himself. many comedians see a connection between misery and their ability to be funny, often citing humor as a survival mechanism. but after considerable therapy and reflection, he has come to believe that so much stress didn’t help him be funnier. “looking back now, i think some of my best ideas came from just goofing around,” he said. his freewheeling podcast features longer, more searching conversations. and his max travel series shares qualities with the sketch work and man on the street comedy from his talk shows. these new projects don’t have live audiences and come closer to the o’brien who cracks jokes in writers’ rooms, going on what he calls “runs.” ask friends about his funniest moments and they say how hilarious he is behind closed doors in free form conversation. capturing that version of o’brien on television was the “white whale,” said robert smigel, who started with o’brien on “late night” and wrote with him on “snl.” in may, at a taping of his podcast in los angeles, o’brien walked onstage to a standing ovation. he poked fun at the opera seats in the theater, played straight man in a sketch, bantered with two sidekicks, interviewed john c. reilly, talked to audience members and played guitar with his band. backstage, o’brien sounded giddy over the response, focusing on the differences with late night. “i love the freedom of this. on the show, i could riff off the cards, but there’s still cards. there are no cards anymore,” he said, referring to cue cards. “it’s just me, authentically me, for better or worse.”

eric deggans conan o'brien keeps saying this goodbye is a good thing. after 28 years as a late night talk show host, spanning three different shows on two networks, he leaves the nightly grind tonight. he'll sign off from his tbs show conan, presumably for good. but in watching a run of half hour episodes leading up to tonight's finale, it seems there's something else going on underneath the smiles, nostalgia and good times. featuring a roster of longtime pals, the final episodes can't help feeling a little like a wake   if a fun and good natured one. seth rogen let it slip that he was about 12 years old when he first watched o'brien on tv back in the mid '90s; another sign of how influential the host has been for a generation of comics in ways that are rarely credited. "this is the kind of thing you do when you know it's over for you," o'brien joked during rogen's visit, as he lit up a joint that the actor and cannabis entrepreneur brought with him. given that o'brien will soon lose his status as late night's longest tenured current host, it was easy to read a double meaning in that moment. to me, despite his longevity, conan o'brien has always seemed like a host who never fit in easily on television   perhaps, at least in part, by design. his history with conan on tbs seems a poignant example. created in 2010 as his landing spot after getting maneuvered out of hosting nbc's tonight show, the then hour long show developed a robust online presence and filmed episodes in cuba, armenia and south korea, evolving into his conan without borders specials. o'brien is leaving tbs with plans to debut a weekly variety show on corporate sibling hbo max. he's pictured above in february 2016. charles krupa/ap hide caption o'brien is leaving tbs with plans to debut a weekly variety show on corporate sibling hbo max. he's pictured above in february 2016. but it never developed nielsen ratings to match what o'brien could access on a broadcast network (the wrap website reported this week conan's ratings have declined 29 percent during the current tv season, averaging about 282,000 viewers a night). instead, the show has leaned into creating online content for fans to consume on youtube and through his website, mirroring how many viewers now seem to connect with talk show content. conan went on hiatus in 2018, coming back months later as a stripped down half hour show without a band. now, o'brien is leaving tbs altogether, with plans to debut a weekly variety show on corporate sibling hbo max. he's also got loads of multimedia projects going under his team coco banner, including podcasts (conan o'brien needs a friend, literally with rob lowe), stand up specials from other comics, merchandising and more. o'brien told whyy's fresh air back in 2019 that "what i don't want to do is sleepwalk my way through my career at this stage," hinting at a restless spirit which has powered many of his recent projects. his smartly silly comedy   disconnected from politics, celebrity worship or anything resembling showbiz cool   is now beloved by a sliver of the tv audience too small to sustain a regular gig, even on standard cable. still, this transition feels like an odd combination of o'brien leaving late night tv as the genre leaves him. his smartly silly comedy   disconnected from politics, celebrity worship or anything resembling showbiz cool   is now beloved by a sliver of the tv audience too small to sustain a regular gig, even on standard cable. even as new voices like amber ruffin, desus and mero and ziwe try to reinvent late night talk for a new generation, o'brien is headed for the exit, seemingly eager to redefine himself before the industry does it for him. i remember that o'brien also didn't seem to quite fit in when first entered the late night talk arena way back in 1993, taking over nbc's late night show after david letterman left for cbs. despite stints as a writer on both the simpsons and saturday night live, o'brien seemed an untested talent back then who hadn't built his persona in public, like the former standup comics who hosted all the other late night talk shows. it took years for his version of late night to gel, as the network initially hedged its bets by refusing to give him a long term contract. airing at 12:30 a.m., he was on the fringe of late night, speaking mostly to college students and insomniacs long before video clips on the internet could spread awareness beyond those who watched it on nbc. his version of late night eventually won over critics and the public, fueled by quirky bits like a guy in a bear suit who couldn't stop fondling himself dubbed the "masturbating bear." but when it came time for o'brien to take over the venerated tonight show from jay leno many years later in 2009, the cutthroat politics of late night tv intervened. leno didn't actually leave nbc when o'brien moved up. instead, leno got the network to give him a primetime show at 10 p.m. ratings for both leno and o'brien cratered; months later, o'brien was leaving nbc with a payout reportedly north of $30 million. it's worth noting that, along with his own talents   including rapid fire wit and fearlessness as a performer   o'brien has had some outside help crafting his unique showbiz journey. after saturday night live empresario lorne michaels picked o'brien to take over late night, i marveled at how much time nbc gave him to pull that show together. when o'brien needed a place to land after leaving the tonight show, tbs convinced george lopez to move his existing talk show back one hour to midnight and make room for conan. (the midnight edition of lopez tonight would be canceled less than a year later, ending the journey for a pioneering latino late night tv host). i always wondered where late night tv diversity would be if hosts of color got similar support in the past. these days, despite nearly three decades in the trenches of late night tv, it's tough to zero in on the legacy o'brien will leave. in the end, it may just be the story of an irrepressible talent who always found a way to shine wherever he landed, fueled by his own quirky comedy sense and relentless drive, regardless of what was going on around him. sponsor message become an npr sponsor

adali schell for the new york times *that’s his opinion. and yet he’s setting a new standard for what life after late night can look like. (hint: it’s a lot like what he did on talk shows.) adali schell for the new york times o’brien has built one of the most consequential careers in comedy. but while his late night tenure is beloved, his postshow work may turn out to be more impressive. adali schell for the new york times despite worrying deeply about things like the reception to his travel show, o’brien said, “looking back now, i think some of my best ideas came from just goofing around.” adali schell for the new york times o’brien said he liked being reminded that he didn’t count: “i’ve been through the late night wars and i’ve trended and not trended and i know i have a certain skill set, and would like to be of use for as long as that’s viable.” adali schell for the new york times

louis alfred székely (/ˈluːi ˌseɪˈkeɪ/;[2] born september 12, 1967), known professionally as louis c.k. (/ˈluːi ˌsiːˈkeɪ/),[a] is an american stand up comedian, actor and filmmaker.[4][5] c.k. has won three peabody awards,[6] three grammy awards, six primetime emmy awards,[7] and a screen actors guild award as well as numerous awards for the chris rock show, louie, and his stand up specials live at the beacon theater (2011) and oh my god (2013).[8] in 2015, rolling stone ranked c.k.'s stand up special shameless number three on their "divine comedy: 25 best stand up specials and movies of all time" list[9] and ranked him fourth on its 2017 list of the 50 best stand up comics of all time.[10] c.k. began his career in the 1990s writing for comedians including david letterman, conan o'brien, dana carvey, chris rock, and saturday night live.[11] he was also directing surreal short films and directed two features tomorrow night (1998) and pootie tang (2001). in 2001, c.k. released his debut comedy album, live in houston, directly through his website and became among the first performers to offer direct to fan sales of tickets to his stand up shows and drm free video concert downloads via his website.[12] he became prolific releasing nine comedy albums, often directing and editing his specials as well.[13] these specials include shameless (2007), chewed up (2008), hilarious (2010), and oh my god (2013). he gained prominence and widespread acclaim for his fx semi autobiographical comedy drama series louie (2010 2015), which he created, directed and starred in. the series received numerous accolades with c.k. winning two primetime emmy award for outstanding writing in a comedy series. in 2016, he created and starred in his self funded web series horace and pete, and co created the shows baskets and better things for fx and voiced the protagonist max in the animated film the secret life of pets in the same year. during this time he also had supporting acting roles in films such as david o. russell's american hustle, woody allen's blue jasmine (both 2013), and the hollywood blacklist drama trumbo (2015). in 2017, he admitted to several incidents of sexual misconduct following the release of an article in the new york times. this resulted in widespread criticism and caused his 2017 film i love you, daddy to be pulled from distribution prior to its release. in 2018, he returned to stand up comedy, and in 2019, he announced an international tour.[14][15] he has also released the specials sincerely louis ck (2020) and sorry (2021) on his website, receiving a grammy award for best comedy album for the former. c.k. also co wrote and directed the film fourth of july (2022).[16][17] louis alfred székely[18] was born in washington, d.c.,[19] on september 12, 1967,[19][20] the son of software engineer mary louise (née davis) and economist luis székely.[19][21][22] he has three sisters.[23] his father is of mexican and hungarian jewish descent.[19] c.k.'s jewish paternal grandfather, géza székely schweiger, had immigrated from hungary to mexico; he and his mexican wife raised their children in the catholic faith.[24] c.k.'s mother, an american, was a catholic with irish ancestry.[19] when c.k. was an infant, his family moved to his father's home country of mexico,[19] where his father had earned a degree from the national autonomous university of mexico prior to graduating from harvard.[21] c.k.'s first language was spanish; it was not until after they moved back to the u.s. when he was 7 that he began to learn english. he has said that he has since forgotten much of his spanish.[25][26] when c.k. left mexico with his family, they moved back to the united states and settled in the boston area, initially for a year in framingham, massachusetts.[25] upon moving from mexico to suburban boston, c.k. wanted to become a writer and comedian, citing george carlin, bill cosby and richard pryor as some of his influences.[27] when he was 10, his parents divorced. c.k. said that his father was around but he did not see him much and when he remarried, c.k.'s father converted to orthodox judaism, the faith of his new wife.[28][29] c.k. and his three sisters were raised by their single mother in newton, massachusetts.[30] the fact that his mother had only "bad" tv shows to view upon returning home from work inspired him to work on television.[30] c.k.'s mother raised her children as catholic and they attended after school catholic class until they completed communion.[29] c.k. has said that his father's whole family still lives in mexico. c.k.'s paternal uncle dr. francisco székely is an academic and an international consultant on environmental affairs who served as mexico's deputy minister of environment (2000 2003).[31] c.k. attended newton north high school and graduated in 1985. he graduated with future friends star matt leblanc.[32] after graduation, c.k. worked as an auto mechanic and at a public access tv cable station in boston.[22] according to c.k., working in public access tv gave him the tools and technical knowledge to make his short films and later his television shows. "learning is my favorite thing", he said.[12] he also worked for a time as a cook and in a video store.[23] in 1984 at 17, c.k. directed the comedic short film trash day. the new york university tisch school of the arts showed an interest in him as a filmmaker, but he instead decided to pursue a career in stand up comedy.[33] c.k.'s first attempt at stand up was in 1985 at an open mic night at a comedy club in boston, massachusetts, during the apex of the comedy boom. he was given five minutes of time, but had only two minutes of material.[34] he was so discouraged by the experience that he did not perform again for two years.[35] as boston's comedy scene grew, c.k. gradually achieved success, performing alongside acts such as denis leary and lenny clarke, and eventually he moved up to paid gigs, opening for jerry seinfeld and hosting comedy clubs[22] until he moved to manhattan in 1989.[34] he performed his act on many televised programs, including evening at the improv and star search. c.k.'s short film ice cream (1993), was submitted to the aspen shortsfest in 1994.[36] in 1993, he unsuccessfully auditioned for saturday night live,[5] although he did later work with robert smigel, writing on the tv funhouse shorts for the program.[37] c.k.'s earliest writing job was for conan o'brien on the late night talk show late night with conan o'brien from 1993 to 1994,[38] before briefly writing for late show with david letterman in 1995.[39] c.k. has stated that conan o'brien kept c.k. in comedy by hiring him, as he planned to quit comedy the following day if he had not been hired for late night with conan o'brien.[40] throughout the spring of 1996, c.k. served as the head writer for the dana carvey show; its writers also included steve carell, stephen colbert, robert smigel, and charlie kaufman. it was canceled after seven episodes.[41] in 1996, hbo released his first half hour comedy special.[34] c.k. appeared several times on the animated show dr. katz, professional therapist. from 1997 to 1999, he wrote for the chris rock show.[42] his work on the show was nominated for a primetime emmy award for writing three times, winning "best writing in a variety or comedy series" in 1999. he was also nominated for an emmy for his work writing for late night with conan o'brien.[43] he has been quoted as describing his approach to writing as a "deconstruction" that is both painful and frightening.[23] in 1998, c.k. wrote and directed the independent black and white film tomorrow night, which premiered at sundance, marking his feature film directorial debut after making several shorter films,[44] including six short films for the sketch comedy show howie mandel's sunny skies (1995) on the showtime cable network.[45] c.k. self released tomorrow night in 2014.[46] he hosted the pbs show shortcuts in 1999, which featured independent short films, including some made by c.k. himself.[47] also that year, c.k. devised and starred in the filthy stupid talent show, a mock talent show television special.[48] he had an early acting role in the independent comedy tuna, alongside nick offerman, in 2000 and performed on the stand up showcase series comedy central presents the following year.[49][50] c.k. wrote and directed the feature film pootie tang (2001), which was adapted from a sketch that was featured on the chris rock show and featured chris rock in a supporting role. the film received largely negative reviews from critics, but has become a cult classic;[51][52] in a half star review, roger ebert declared it a "train wreck" and felt the film was "not in a releasable condition".[53] though c.k. is credited as the director, he was fired at the end of filming with the film being re edited by the studio.[54] c.k. has since co written two screenplays with rock: down to earth (2001) and i think i love my wife (2007).[42][55] his first comedy album, live in houston, was released in 2001.[56] in 2002, he voiced brendon small's estranged father, andrew small, in the animated sitcom home movies.[57] c.k. was among the writing staff of the sketch comedy show cedric the entertainer presents (2002 03).[42] in august 2005, c.k. starred in a half hour hbo special as part of the stand up series one night stand. inspired by the work ethic of fellow comedian george carlin, who had committed to dropping all of his existing material and starting over every year,[58] in june 2006, c.k. starred in and wrote lucky louie, a sitcom he created. the series premiered on hbo and was videotaped in front of a studio audience; it was hbo's first series in that format. lucky louie is described as a bluntly realistic portrayal of family life. hbo canceled the series after its first season.[59] c.k. was a part of opie and anthony's traveling virus comedy tour with other comedians in 2007. in 2007, he hosted a three hour phone in show on the service at the request of opie & anthony, during which he advised callers on their relationship troubles.[60] during an interview with secretary of defense donald rumsfeld on the show, c.k. repeatedly asked rumsfeld whether he is in fact a reptilian space alien who "eats mexican babies".[61] rumsfeld declined to comment and the video has since gone viral.[61] he appeared in three films in 2008: welcome home roscoe jenkins, diminished capacity, and role models.[62][63] c.k. launched his first hour long special, shameless, in 2007, which aired on hbo and was later released on dvd.[64] in march 2008, he recorded a second hour long special, chewed up, which premiered on showtime network on october 4, 2008, and was nominated for a primetime emmy award for outstanding writing for a comedy or variety special.[7][65] c.k. and his wife alix bailey divorced in 2008,[66][67] with c.k. and bailey sharing joint custody of their children.[68] in a 2010 interview, c.k. talked about how, after his divorce, he thought, "well, there goes my act." he alluded to the way that his marriage had been central to his act and his life, and he said that it took him approximately a year to realize "i'm accumulating stories here that are worth telling."[68] one element in his preparation for stand up was training at the same boxing gym as lowell, massachusetts fighter micky ward, trying to "learn how to ... do the grunt work and the boring, constant training so that you'll be fit enough to take the beating."[68] a clip from an appearance by c.k. on late night with conan o'brien in october 2008 titled "everything's amazing and nobody is happy" became a viral hit on youtube in 2009, helping his standup career to propel forward.[69] on april 18, 2009, c.k. recorded a concert film titled hilarious. unlike his previous specials which had all been produced for television networks hilarious was produced independently, directed by c.k. himself, and sold to epix and comedy central after it was complete. as a result, it was not released until late 2010. it was published on dvd and cd in 2011.[70] it is the first stand up comedy film accepted into the sundance film festival.[71] from 2009 to 2012, c.k. played dave sanderson, a police officer and ex boyfriend of leslie knope (played by amy poehler) in the sitcom parks and recreation.[72] he also co starred in the romantic comedy fantasy film the invention of lying, directed by and starring ricky gervais, in 2009.[73] fx picked up c.k.'s series louie in august 2009, which c.k. stars in, writes, directs, and edits.[74][75] the show features stand up routines blended with segments partially based on his offstage experiences which address his life as a divorced, aging father.[68][76] the show premiered on june 29, 2010.[77] in season three, episodes dealt respectively with a date with an unstable bookshop clerk (played by parker posey);[78] a doomed attempt to replace a retiring david letterman; an aborted visit to c.k.'s father; and a dream reality new year's eve episode in which c.k. ends up in china.[79] these episodes were ranked in critic matt zoller seitz's favorite 25 comedy episodes of 2012.[80] seitz called the episode "new year's eve" "truly audacious".[79][80] c.k. has been nominated five times for the primetime emmy award for outstanding lead actor in a comedy series (2011 2015) for his work in louie, and won two emmys in 2011   for the louie episode "pregnant"[81] and for his special live at the beacon theater.[82] the show was renewed for a fourth season;[83] with a 19 month hiatus after season 3[29] to accommodate c.k.'s roles in david o. russell's american hustle and woody allen's blue jasmine in 2013.[84][85] during the 2014 television critics association presentations, fx networks' john landgraf reported that louie would return in spring 2015 for a shortened fifth season of seven episodes compared to the 13 episodes of prior seasons.[86] the fifth season premiered in april 2015 and an announcement said the series would take an "extended hiatus" in august 2015;[87] c.k. stated in january 2016 that he "just doesn't know" whether it would return or not.[88] in november 2017, in the wake of the misconduct allegations against c.k, fx cut ties with the embattled comic and filmmaker, ending their partnership.[89] in 2018, however, fx ceo john landgraf stated to variety, "i love louie and i love louis c.k.'s work and i miss him, and i miss it," and that "the network is ready to welcome c.k. back and is eager for louie season six".[90] in 2011, c.k. joined fellow comedians jerry seinfeld, chris rock, and ricky gervais for a discussion of comedy in talking funny, a one hour television special that aired on hbo.[91] on december 10, 2011, c.k. released his fourth full length special, live at the beacon theater. like hilarious, it was produced independently and directed by c.k. however, unlike his earlier work, it was distributed digitally on his website, foregoing both physical and broadcast media. c.k. released the special for $5.00 and without drm, hoping that these factors and the direct relationship between the artist and consumer would effectively deter illegal downloading.[92] at the end of the special, the release of a new album, recorded at carnegie hall the previous year, is mentioned. by december 21, 2011, the sales of the special from c.k.'s website had already earned him over $1 million.[93] c.k. hosted saturday night live on november 3, 2012, and was subsequently primetime emmy award nominated for outstanding guest actor in a comedy series.[43][94] the success of the special prompted other comedians, including jim gaffigan, joe rogan, and aziz ansari, to release their own specials with a similar business model.[95] on may 11, 2012, c.k. additionally made two audio only downloads available for $5.00 each: word   live at carnegie hall (and the audio version of his first hbo stand up special, shameless), as well as an audio only version of live at the beacon theater.[93] c.k.'s fifth one hour special, oh my god, was recorded at the celebrity theatre in phoenix, arizona, and premiered on hbo april 13, 2013.[96] it was also sold and distributed using the same model as c.k. used for live at the beacon theater. in 2013, c.k. appeared in critically acclaimed films the first being woody allen's blue jasmine where he played the romantic interest of sally hawkins' character.[97] c.k. originally auditioned for the role that went to andrew dice clay, and allen offered louie the role that ended up in the film. of the experience, c.k. stated, “i had this three day part and i figured i'm a tourist on this movie. all i want is a little woody moment to take home with me. it was so fun, and we had lunch, and i thought having lunch with him was my rewarding moment. and then after lunch, we shot one more scene and i got a big laugh on the set, and i thought, that's my woody moment".[98] later that year, c.k. starred in david o. russell's black comedy crime film american hustle, which was released in december 2013. c.k. played the role of fbi supervisor stoddard thorsen, the boss of bradley cooper's character.[99] the film was a financial and critical hit, earning 10 academy awards nominations including best picture. c.k. earned a screen actors guild award for outstanding cast in a motion picture.[100] c.k.'s production company, pig newton, where he works with producer blair breard, signed a contract to develop and executive produce pilots for fx networks in 2013.[101] in january 2014, an announcement said c.k. would produce and co write a zach galifianakis created comedy pilot for fx networks.[102] the 10 episode single camera comedy, titled baskets, premiered on january 21, 2016.[103] it features galifianakis as the main character, a struggling clown named chip baskets in a pilot episode written by galifianakis, louis c.k. and jonathan krisel.[104] c.k. released his sixth one hour special live at the comedy store to his website in january 2015, which, unlike his past few specials, was recorded at a club, the comedy store in west hollywood. c.k. said he intended the material as an exercise in creating an act that hearkened back to his early days in comedy clubs.[105] the special premiered exclusively on fx on may 28, 2015. he returned to host saturday night live on march 29, 2014, and may 16, 2015, and received emmy award nominations for outstanding guest actor in a comedy series for both episodes.[7][106][107] c.k. also attended the saturday night live 40th anniversary special, where he was chosen to introduce a montage of the pre recorded sketches.[108][109] in may 2015, it was announced that c.k. would write, direct, and star in the film i'm a cop, to be produced by scott rudin, dave becky, and blair breard, with a budget of $8 million,[110] although he later canceled the project.[111] c.k. became the first comedian to sell out madison square garden three times in a single tour in 2015.[5] audio from the tour was released by c.k. on his website as louis c.k.: live at madison square garden through the pay what you want model.[112] in november 2015, c.k. co starred in the biographical drama film trumbo as a composite character based on five different screenwriters who were blacklisted in hollywood for their alleged ties to the communist party during the 1940s.[b][114] he executive produced the pilot for the amazon video black comedy series one mississippi, starring notaro, in november 2015. it was ordered for a full season by amazon.[115] in january 2016 c.k. and actor/comedian albert brooks were rumoured to create, write, executive produce, and provide the voices for the two main characters in an animated series pilot for fx.[116] the following january, the series was announced to instead be premiering on tbs in 2018 and titled the cops, following two los angeles patrolmen.[117] on january 30, 2016, he released the first episode of the tragicomic drama series horace and pete to his website, without any prior announcements. c.k. directed, wrote, and starred in the series as bar owner horace, alongside steve buscemi, who portrays co owner pete.[118] horace and pete pioneered the genre of 'sadcom'. james poniewozik of the new york times said the series "may best be described as a cheers spec script by eugene o'neill: a snapshot of a family and a country suffering a hangover decades in the making."[119] the self financed series received a significantly positive reaction from critics, who largely focused on the performances of the veteran cast that includes c.k., buscemi, edie falco, steven wright, alan alda, and jessica lange and c.k.'s writing.[120][121] c.k. has expressed his interest in a second season.[122] c.k. next voiced the lead, max, a jack russell terrier, in the animated comedy film the secret life of pets. the film was co directed by chris renaud of the despicable me series, and was released on july 8, 2016.[123][124] it grossed over $875 million worldwide.[125][126] c.k. developed the series better things with its star pamela adlon, who had appeared on louie. c.k. co wrote, co produced, and directed the pilot.[5] the show is about a single working actress mother and her struggles to raise three daughters.[127] it premiered in september 2016 on fx.[128] his stand up special 2017 was filmed in washington, d.c., and released on april 4, 2017, through the streaming service netflix.[129] barry crimmins's stand up special, whatever threatens you, directed and produced by c.k., was released through his website in 2016.[130] on april 8, 2017, he hosted saturday night live for a fourth time,[131] where he received strong reviews for his opening monologue in which he tackled white privilege, and bits about a racist chicken, and talking animals. a critic from the a.v. club wrote " no one's better at taking a joke to the edge and tiptoeing nimbly along it".[132] c.k. also honored fellow comedian don rickles who died that week, saying during the goodnights portion stating, "i just want to say, don rickles was the funniest man in the world and he was also a lovely, beautiful guy. i'll miss him for the rest of my life".[133] c.k. directed the film i love you, daddy in secret, shooting entirely on black and white 35 mm film in june 2017.[134] the film follows a television producer and writer played by c.k. called glen topher whose teenage daughter, played by chloë grace moretz, is seduced by a much older film director (john malkovich), causing topher to become disconcerted. the film also features charlie day, adlon, rose byrne, edie falco and helen hunt.[135] it premiered at the 2017 toronto international film festival in september,[136] whereupon the guardian film critic peter bradshaw gave the film a four star review, calling it a "very funny and recklessly provocative homage to woody allen, channeling his masterpiece manhattan."[135] in 2015, rumors about c.k.'s behavior toward women in his professional life began to appear on various websites, from high profile names such as roseanne barr, jen kirkman, and tig notaro.[137][138] two years later, in a september 2017 vanity fair interview, comedian notaro cut ties with c.k., a one time collaborator and producer on her show one mississippi, saying that he should address the rumors of sexual impropriety, and alluding to an unspecified "incident" between herself and c.k.[139] as he had in the past, c.k. denied the allegations in a september 2017 new york times interview, saying: "they're rumors, that's all that is ... i don't think talking about that stuff in the press ... is a good idea."[140] on november 9, 2017, the orchard, distributor of c.k.'s upcoming film i love you, daddy, canceled the new york premiere of the film due to "unexpected circumstances".[141] later that day, the new york times published allegations of sexual misconduct from five women against c.k.[142][143] the women who spoke out in the article included comedy duo dana min goodman and julia wolov, who claimed that c.k. had invited them to his hotel room in 2002 during the us comedy arts festival where he masturbated in front of them. they relayed the incident to improvolympics founder charna halpern. the comedian rebecca corry stated that when they were on the set of a television pilot in 2005, c.k. offered to masturbate in front of her and she declined. corry reported the incident and no action was taken.[142] comedian abby schachner alleged that c.k. masturbated while they were on the phone describing the conduct as "unprofessional and inappropriate".[142] both corry and schachner stated that c.k. privately apologized for his past behavior several years later.[142][144] in response to the new york times reporting, c.k. released a statement apologizing and admitting guilt, writing, "these stories are true" and saying that while he initially thought "it was okay because i never showed a woman my dick without asking first", he went on to express remorse, stating, "the power i had over these women is that they admired me. and i wielded that power irresponsibly."[138] he stated: "i have spent my long and lucky career talking and saying anything i want. i will now step back and take a long time to listen."[145][146] in the wake of the scandal, c.k. suffered severe repercussions, stating in 2018 that the fallout had taken him through "hell and back" and cost him approximately $35 million in lost income.[147] the release and distribution of his film i love you, daddy was cancelled,[148][149] and fx networks and netflix cut ties with c.k.[150] hbo dropped c.k.'s appearance on an upcoming night of too many stars television special and removed his content from their on demand services.[151] c.k.'s manager dave becky, who was under fire for allegedly making threatening statements, dropped c.k. as a client.[152][153][154][155][156] tbs suspended production of, and eventually scrapped, its animated series the cops, co created with albert brooks.[157][158][159] his voice was either replaced or removed from projects such as illumination's the secret life of pets 2 and disney channel's gravity falls.[160][161] on august 26, 2018, c.k. made an unannounced appearance at the comedy cellar in manhattan, new york. it was reported that he received an ovation from the audience and performed a typical set, making no reference to the sexual controversy.[162][163] his return to stand up comedy was criticized by comedians, including aparna nancherla, ian karmel, allie goertz, and judd apatow as being premature,[163][164] whereas dave chappelle, chris rock, bill burr, michael che, jim gaffigan, janeane garofalo, sarah silverman, wanda sykes, judy gold, marlon wayans, joe rogan, and kurt metzger supported c.k.'s right to continue standup.[165][166][167][168][169][170][171] comedian jerry seinfeld also supported c.k.'s return to standup but opined that the public may have felt that c.k. had not owned up to his actions enough, saying in october 2018, "we know the routine: the person does something wrong. the person's humiliated. they're exiled. they suffer, we want them to suffer. we love the tumble, we love the crash and bang of the fall. and then we love the crawl back. the grovel. are you going to grovel? how long are you going to grovel?" seinfeld added, "we, the court of public opinion, decided if he's going to come back, he'd better show a lot of pain. because he denied (the public) that."[147] edie falco and alan alda who starred in c.k.'s horace and pete expressed their hope that he would receive a second chance.[172][173][174] in january 2020, c.k. performed an unannounced set, receiving a standing ovation for the eighth annual benefit show for late comedian patrice o'neal, a yearly benefit of which comedian bill burr is the organizer.[184] beginning in march 2020, most of c.k.'s shows were canceled due to the covid 19 pandemic in the united states.[185] on april 4, 2020, c.k. self released a new stand up special entitled sincerely louis ck through his website without advance notice.[186] the special drew a divided response from audiences, including fellow comedian amy schumer, who said, "i laughed at a lot of it. but it's hard to not think of what he has done, what he has and hasn't learned, but i definitely laughed."[187] in july 2020, c.k. released an audio series of conversations between himself and then girlfriend blanche gardin titled long distance relationship.[188] proceeds would go toward the fistula foundation and french charity fondation abbé pierre.[188] on august 4, 2020, c.k. was invited by his longtime friend dave chappelle to join him in an installment of his standup series "an intimate socially distanced affair" at the wirrig pavilion in yellow springs, ohio, during the covid 19 pandemic in the united states.[189][190] photos emerged from the event of c.k. with chappelle, sarah silverman, michelle wolf, tiffany haddish and common.[191] in october 2020, c.k. appeared in a docu series titled the comedy store about the los angeles comedy club of the same name, directed by mike binder.[192] in may 2021, following the easing of restrictions in new york city due to the covid 19 pandemic, c.k. made an unannounced stop at the village underground.[193] he then announced upcoming tour dates for summer 2021 in atlanta, nashville and minneapolis.[194][195][196] in august 2021, c.k. announced a tour of the united states in the year 2021 and international dates for the year 2022.[197] american dates include two nights at the hulu theater at madison square garden.[198] the tour rescheduled dates canceled due to covid 19, acknowledging the ongoing pandemic and safety concerns.[199][200] on the joe rogan experience in november 2021, comedian shane gillis revealed that c.k. had filmed a new special at the hulu theater at madison square garden.[201] on 18 december 2021 c.k. announced the release of a new stand up comedy special, titled sorry. the special was released for sale through his website, similar to other releases he has done in the past. he also offered a bundling of previous specials for a larger fee.[202] in april 2022, c.k. won the grammy award for best comedy album for his special sincerely, louis c.k.[203] in april and may 2022, c.k. appeared as a guest in a series of episodes of matt and shane's secret podcast, a podcast hosted by comedians shane gillis and matt mccusker. the series is a four part, six hour long discussion on the stories of each u.s. president in order.[204] june 2022 saw the premiere of c.k.'s film fourth of july, which he produced, directed, and co wrote with fellow comedian joe list. the film is a comedy drama that stars list as a recovering alcoholic jazz musician who confronts his emotionally abusive family.[205] to promote the film, rather than using traditional talk shows, c.k. appeared on a number of well known podcasts,[206] such as the joe rogan experience,[207] your mom's house,[208] long days with yannis pappas, ari shaffir's skeptic tank, flagrant 2, and are you garbage?.[209] on january 28, 2023, c.k. performed at a sold out performance at madison square garden.[210] the event was live recorded and aired on his website as the special, louis c.k.: back to the garden. c.k. has named many comedians whom he admired or who influenced his work, including george carlin,[27] woody allen,[211] larry david,[212] joan rivers,[213] robin williams,[214] steve martin,[22] richard pryor[215] and bill cosby.[216][217] c.k. innovated direct to consumer distribution in 2001 when he released his debut comedy album, live in houston, directly through his website. he became one of the first performers to use his website to offer direct to fan ticket sales for his shows, as well as drm free video concert downloads.[12] in this way, c.k. sold tickets for his stand up tour, circumventing large ticket outlets, bypassing their overhead and the venues they control.[82] c.k. has said the ticket outlets create barriers to consumers, whereas direct distribution has effectively "closed the gap between how easy it was to steal it [versus] how easy it was to buy it".[12] the success of the special prompted other comedians, including jim gaffigan, joe rogan, and aziz ansari, to release their own specials with a similar business model.[95] c.k. married artist alix bailey in 1995.[218] together, they have two daughters.[219] the couple divorced in 2008.[220] c.k.'s mother, mary louise székely, died on june 3, 2019.[18] c.k. had a brief relationship with musician fiona apple.[221] c.k. confirmed he was dating blanche gardin in 2018.[222] in august 2022, he mentioned that they had broken up.[223] about political partisanship, c.k. stated, "some things i think are very conservative, or very liberal. i think when someone falls into one category for everything, i'm very suspicious. it doesn't make sense to me that you'd have the same solution to every issue."[224] in march 2020, c.k. donated to the joe biden 2020 presidential campaign. however, the campaign said that it has refunded the $2,800 donation from c.k. neither biden nor c.k. have released statements regarding the matter.[230] c.k. is on the record as having voted for the democratic party presidential candidate in the 2004, 2008, 2012 and 2016 united states presidential elections.[231][232] in 2011, by selling live at the beacon theater on his website, c.k. earned a "million dollars in a matter of days, half of which he [gave] away to his staff and charities."[233] recipients included the fistula foundation,[234] green chimneys, the pablove foundation, charity: water, and kiva.[233] in 2016, he selected the fistula foundation as the beneficiary of his jeopardy! power players week appearance, and won $50,000 for the charity.[235] in april 2020, c.k. donated $30,000 to the wait staff at the comedy cellar in greenwich village during the covid 19 pandemic in the united states as part of a gofundme program called "tip your wait staff".[236][237][238] louis c.k. was raised catholic and has identified as an agnostic.[239] louis c.k. is known as a writer, director, producer and actor who has acted in many television series, including lucky louie (2006), louie (2010 2015) and horace and pete (2016). he has hosted saturday night live four times, in 2012, 2014, 2015 and 2017. he has also appeared in television shows, such as parks and recreation and portlandia. c.k. has also starred in a number of films such as woody allen's blue jasmine, david o. russell's american hustle (both 2013) and jay roach's hollywood blacklist drama trumbo (2015). for his work performing stand up, writing, acting, directing, producing, and editing, c.k. has received several awards and nominations. among them are 39 emmy award nominations, with six wins.[252] c.k. has won the grammy award for best comedy album three times for hilarious in 2012, live at madison square garden in 2016, and sincerely louis c.k. in 2022.[253] c.k. has also been nominated for two golden globes and five screen actors guild awards, winning the award for outstanding performance by a cast in a motion picture in 2013, together with the other cast members of american hustle.[254] additionally, c.k. has won three peabody awards in the area of excellence in entertainment for his shows louie, better things, and horace and pete, as well as three writers guild of america awards for his work on louie, alongside his writing partner, pamela adlon.

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get a single membership for just $6.67 per month when i got married nearly three years ago, at the wedding reception i asked some of the older and wiser folks who were attending for a few words of advice from their own relationships to make sure my wife and i didn’t shit the (same) bed. i think a lot of newlyweds do this ask for relationship advice, i mean, not shit the same bed especially after a few cocktails from the open bar they just paid for. but then i figured that with access to hundreds of thousands of smart, amazing people through my website, i could go one step further. why not consult my readers? why not ask them for their best relationship/marriage advice? why not synthesize all of their wisdom and experience into something straightforward and applicable to any relationship, no matter who you are? why not crowdsource the ultimate relationship guide to end all relationship guides™ from the sea of smart and savvy partners and lovers who come to markmanson.net? this is what i asked: anyone who has been married for 10+ years, and is still happy in their relationship . . . what lessons would you pass down to others if you could? what is working for you and your partner? also, to people who are divorced, what didn’t work previously? the response was overwhelming. almost 1,500 people got back to me, many of whom sent replies measured in pages, not paragraphs. it took weeks to comb through them all, but what i found stunned me. for a start, they were all incredibly repetitive. that’s not an insult actually, it’s the opposite, not to mention, a relief. the answers came from smart and well spoken people from all walks of life, from around the world, each with their own histories, tragedies, mistakes, and triumphs . . . and yet they were all saying pretty much the same dozen things. which means that those dozen or so things must be pretty damn important . . . and they work: before we even get into what you should do in your relationship, let’s start with what not to do. don’t ever be with someone because someone else pressured you to. i got married the first time because i was raised catholic and that’s what you were supposed to do. wrong. i got married the second time because i was miserable and lonely and thought having a loving wife would fix everything for me. also wrong. took me three tries to figure out what should have been obvious from the beginning, the only reason you should ever be with the person you’re with is because you simply love being around them. it really is that simple. when i sent out my request to readers for advice, i asked people who were on their second or third (or fourth) marriages what they did wrong the first few times. by far, the most common answer was “being with the person for the wrong reasons.” some of these wrong reasons included: everything that makes a relationship “work” (and by work, i mean that it is happy and sustainable for both people involved) requires a genuine, deep level admiration for each other. without that mutual admiration, everything else will unravel. the other “wrong” reason to enter into a relationship is, like greg said, to “fix” yourself. this desire to use the love of someone else to soothe your own emotional problems inevitably leads to codependence, an unhealthy and damaging dynamic between two people where there exists a tacit agreement to use each other’s love as a distraction from one’s own self loathing. we’ll get more into codependence later, but for now, it’s useful to point out that love, itself, is neutral. it is something that can be both healthy or unhealthy, helpful or harmful, depending on why and how you love someone else and are loved by someone else. by itself, love is never enough to sustain a relationship. dump the toxic relationship cycle with my free mini course on attachment styles. your information is protected and i never spam, ever. you can view my privacy policy here. you are absolutely not going to be gaga over each other every single day for the rest of your lives, and all this ‘happily ever after’ bullshit is just setting people up for failure. they go into relationships with these unrealistic expectations. then, the instant they realize they aren’t ‘gaga’ anymore, they think the relationship is broken and over, and they need to get out. no! there will be days, or weeks, or maybe even longer, when you aren’t all mushy gushy in love. you’re even going to wake up some morning and think, “ugh, you’re still here….” that’s normal! and more importantly, sticking it out is totally worth it, because . . . in a day, or a week, or maybe even longer, you’ll look at that person and a giant wave of love will inundate you, and you’ll love them so much you think your heart can’t possibly hold it all and is going to burst. because a love that’s alive is also constantly evolving. it expands and contracts and mellows and deepens. it’s not going to be the way it used to be, or the way it will be, and it shouldn’t be. i think if more couples understood that, they’d be less inclined to panic and rush to break up or divorce. in ancient times, people genuinely considered love a sickness. parents warned their children against it, and adults quickly arranged marriages before their children were old enough to do something dumb on the back of their out of control emotions. that’s because love though able to make us feel giddy and high, as though we had snorted a shoebox full of cocaine can also make us highly irrational. we all know that guy (or girl) who dropped out of school, sold their car, and spent the money to elope on the beaches of tahiti. we all also know how that same guy (or girl) ended up skulking back a few years later feeling like a moron, not to mention broke. unbridled love like that is nature’s way of tricking us into doing insane and irrational things in order to remember to procreate. if we stopped long enough to think about the repercussions of having kids not to mention being with the same person forever and ever few would ever do it. as robin williams once said, “god gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to operate one at a time.” blind romantic love is a trap designed to get two people to overlook each other’s faults long enough to do some babymaking. it generally only lasts for a few years at most. that dizzying high you get staring into your lover’s eyes as if they are the stars that make up the heavens yeah, that mostly goes away. once it’s gone, you need to know that you’ve buckled yourself down with a human being you genuinely respect and enjoy being with, otherwise things are going to get rocky. true love that is, deep, the kind of abiding love that is impervious to emotional whims or fancy is a constant commitment to a person regardless of present circumstances. it’s a constant commitment to a person who you understand isn’t going to always make you happy nor should they! and a person who will need to rely on you, just as you will rely on them. that form of love is much harder, primarily because it often doesn’t feel very good. it’s unglamorous. it’s lots of early morning doctor’s visits. it’s cleaning up bodily fluids you’d rather not be cleaning up. it’s dealing with another person’s insecurities and fears even when you don’t want to. but this form of love is also far more satisfying and meaningful. and, at the end of the day, it brings true happiness, not just another series of highs. happily ever after doesn’t exist. every day you wake up and decide to love your partner and your life the good, the bad and the ugly. some days it’s a struggle and some days you feel like the luckiest person in the world. most people never reach this deep, unconditional love. they get addicted to the ups and downs of romantic love. they are in it for the feels, so to speak. and when the feels run out, so do they. some people get into a relationship as a way to compensate for something they lack or hate within themselves. this is a one way ticket to a toxic relationship because it makes your love conditional you will love your partner only as long as they help you feel better about yourself. you will give to them only as long as they give to you. you will make them happy only as long as they make you happy. this conditionality prevents any true, deep level intimacy from emerging, and chains the relationship to each person’s internal dramas. what i can tell you is the #1 thing . . . is respect. it’s not sexual attraction, looks, shared goals, religion or lack of, nor is it love. there are times when you won’t feel love for your partner. but you never want to lose respect for your partner. once you lose respect, you will never get it back. as i scanned through the hundreds of responses i received, i began to notice an interesting trend: people who had been through divorces almost always talked about communication being the most important part of making things work. talk frequently. talk openly. talk about everything, even if it hurts. and there is some merit to that (which i’ll get to later). but i noticed that the thing people with happy marriages going on 20, 30, or even 40 years talked about most was respect. my sense is that these people, through sheer quantity of experience, have learned that communication no matter how open, transparent, and disciplined will break down at some point. conflicts are pretty much unavoidable and feelings will always be hurt. and the only thing that can save you and your partner, that can cushion you both to the hard landing of human fallibility, is an unerring respect for one another. it’s crucial that you hold each other in high esteem, believe in one another often more than you each believe in yourselves and trust that your partner is doing his/her best with what they’ve got. without that bedrock of respect, you will begin to doubt each other’s intentions. you will judge your partner’s choices, and encroach on their independence. you will feel the need to hide things from one another for fear of criticism. and this is when the cracks in the edifice begin to appear. my husband and i have been together 15 years. i’ve thought a lot about what seems to be keeping us together, while marriages around us crumble (seriously, it’s everywhere . . . we seem to be at that age). the one word that i keep coming back to is “respect.” of course, this means showing respect, but that is too superficial. just showing it isn’t enough. you have to feel it deep within you. i deeply and genuinely respect [my husband] for his work ethic, his patience, his creativity, his intelligence, and his core values. from this respect comes everything else trust, patience, perseverance (because sometimes life is really hard and you both just have to persevere). i want to hear what he has to say (even if i don’t agree with him) because i respect his opinion. i want to enable him to have some free time within our insanely busy lives because i respect how he spends his time and who he spends time with. and, really, what this mutual respect means is that we feel safe sharing our deepest, most intimate selves with each other. as well as respecting your partner, you must also respect yourself (just as your partner must also respect his/herself). because without that self respect, you will not feel worthy of the respect afforded by your partner you will be unwilling to accept it and you will find ways to undermine it. you will constantly feel the need to compensate and prove yourself worthy of love, which can only backfire. respect for your partner and respect for yourself are intertwined. as another reader put it: respect yourself and your wife. never talk badly to or about her. if you don’t respect your wife, you don’t respect yourself. you chose her live up to that choice. so, what does respect look like? common examples given by many readers: we always talk about what’s bothering us with each other, not [with] anyone else! we have so many friends who are in marriages that are not working well, and they tell me all about what is wrong. i can’t help them they need to be talking to their spouse about [it]. if you can figure out a way to be able to always talk with your spouse about what’s bugging you then you can work on the issue. there can be no secrets. secrets divide you. always. i receive hundreds of emails from readers each week asking for life advice. a large percentage of these emails involve difficulties in romantic relationships. (for what it’s worth, these emails, too, are surprisingly repetitive.) a couple years ago, i discovered that i was answering many of these relationship emails with the same response: “take this email you just sent to me, print it out, and show it to your partner. then come back and ask again.” if something bothers you in the relationship, you must be willing to say it out loud. doing so builds trust, and trust builds intimacy. it may hurt, but you still need to do it because no one else can fix your relationship for you. just as causing pain to your muscles allows them to grow back stronger, introducing some pain into your relationship through vulnerability makes the relationship stronger. along with respect, trust was the most commonly mentioned trait crucial for a healthy relationship. most people mentioned it in the context of jealousy and fidelity trust your partner to go off on their own, don’t get insecure or angry if you see them talking with someone else, etc. but trust goes much deeper than whether or not someone is cheating or not. because when you’re really talking about the long haul, you have to get into some serious life or death shit. if you learned you had cancer tomorrow, would you trust your partner to stick with you and take care of you? would you trust your partner to care of your child for a week, or longer, by themselves? do you trust them to handle your money or make sound decisions under pressure? do you trust them to not turn on you or blame you when you screw up? these are hard questions, and they’re even harder to contemplate early on in a relationship. it’s like, “oh, i forgot my phone at her apartment, i trust her not to sell it and buy crack with the money… i think.” but the deeper the commitment, the more intertwined your lives become, and the more you will have to trust your partner to act responsibly and take care of you. if you cannot trust, you cannot be trusted. distrust will breed distrust. if your partner is always snooping through your stuff, accusing you of doing things you didn’t do, and questioning all of your decisions, naturally, you will start to question their intentions as well: why is she so insecure? what if he is hiding something? the key to fostering and maintaining trust in a relationship is for both partners to be completely transparent and vulnerable: trust is like a china plate if you drop it and it breaks, you can only put it back together with a lot of work and care. if you drop it and break it a second time, it will split into more pieces and it will require more time and care to put back together again. but drop and break it enough times, and it will shatter into so many pieces that you will never be able to put it back together again, no matter what you do. understand that it is up to you to make yourself happy, it is not the job of your spouse. i am not saying you shouldn’t do nice things for each other, or that your partner can’t make you happy sometimes. i am just saying don’t lay expectations on your partner to make you happy. it is not their responsibility. figure out as individuals what makes you happy as an individual, then you each bring that to the relationship. everyone talks about “sacrifices” in a relationship. you’re supposed to keep the relationship happy by consistently sacrificing yourself to your partner and their wants and needs. it’s true that every relationship requires each person to consciously choose to give something up at times. the problem comes when all of the relationship’s happiness is contingent on the other person, and both people are in a constant state of sacrifice. just read that again. doesn’t it sound horrible? a relationship based on constant and mutual sacrifices can’t be sustained and will eventually become damaging to both individuals. shitty, codependent relationships have an inherent stability because you’re both locked in an implicit bargain to tolerate the other person’s bad behavior because they’re tolerating yours, and neither of you wants to be alone. on the surface, it seems like [a case of] “compromising in relationships because that’s what people do,” but the reality is that resentments build up, and both parties become the other person’s emotional hostage against having to face and deal with their own bullshit (it took me 14 years to realize this, by the way). a healthy and happy relationship requires two healthy and happy individuals. keyword here: “individuals.” that means two people with their own identities, their own interests and perspectives, and things they do by themselves, on their own time. this is why attempting to control your partner (or submitting control over yourself to your partner) to make them “happy” ultimately backfires it allows the individual identities of each person to be destroyed, those very identities that attracted each other and brought them together in the first place. don’t try to change them. this is the person you chose. they were good enough to marry so don’t expect them to change now. don’t ever give up who you are for the person you’re with. it will only backfire and make you both miserable. have the courage to be who you are, and most importantly, let your partner be who they are. those are the two people who fell in love with each other in the first place. but how does one do this? the answer comes from something hundreds and hundreds of successful couples said in their emails: be sure you have a life of your own, otherwise it is harder to have a life together. have your own interests, your own friends, your own support network, and your own hobbies. overlap where you can, but not being identical should give you something to talk about . . . and helps to expand your horizons as a couple. one of the most regular things people who got in touch said was to do with the importance of creating space and separation from a partner. people sung the praises of separate checking accounts, separate credit cards, having different friends and hobbies, taking separate vacations from one another each year (this has been a big one in my own relationship). some even went so far as to recommend separate bathrooms and separate bedrooms. some people are afraid to give their partner freedom and independence. this comes from a lack of trust and/or insecurity that if we give our partner too much space, they will discover they don’t want to be with us anymore. generally, the more uncomfortable we are with our own worthiness in the relationship, the more we will try to control our partner’s behavior. even more importantly, this inability to let our partners be who they are is a subtle form of disrespect. after all, if you can’t trust your husband to have a simple golfing trip with his buddies, or you’re afraid to let your wife go out for drinks after work, what does that say about your respect for their ability to handle themselves appropriately? what does it say for your respect for yourself? after all, if you believe a couple after work drinks is enough to steer your partner away from you, you clearly don’t think too highly of yourself. if you love your partner enough you will let them be who they are you don’t own them, who they hang with, what they do or how they feel. drives me nuts when i see women not let their husbands go out with the guys or are jealous of other women. over the course of 20 years we both have changed tremendously. we have changed faiths, political parties, numerous hair colors and styles, but we love each other and possibly even more [than we once did]. our grown kids constantly tell their friends what hopeless romantics we are. and the biggest thing that keeps us strong is not giving a fuck about what anyone else says about our relationship. one theme that came up repeatedly, especially with those married 20+ years, was how much each individual will change as the decades roll on, and how ready each of you have to be to embrace these changes. one reader commented that at her wedding, an elderly family member told her, “one day many years from now, you will wake up and your spouse will be a different person make sure you fall in love with that person, too.” it follows that if there is a bedrock of respect for each individual’s interests and values underpinning the relationship, and each individual is encouraged to foster their own growth and development, that each person will, as time goes on, evolve in different and unexpected ways. it’s then up to the couple to communicate and make sure that they are consistently a) aware of the changes going on in their partner, and b) continually accepting and respecting those changes as they occur. and i’m not talking about the small stuff i’m talking some pretty serious life changes. remember, if you’re going to spend decades together, some really heavy shit will hit (and break) the fan. among major life changes people told me their marriages went through (and survived) were: changing religions; moving countries; death of family members (including children); supporting elderly family members; changing political beliefs; even changing sexual orientation; and in a couple cases, realigning gender identification. amazingly, these couples survived because their respect for each other allowed them to adapt and allow each person to continue to flourish and grow. when you commit to someone, you don’t actually know who you’re committing to. you know who they are today, but you have no idea who this person is going to be in five years, ten years. you have to be prepared for the unexpected, and truly ask yourself if you admire this person regardless of the superficial (or not so superficial) details, because i promise almost all of [those details] at some point are going to either change or go away. being open to this amount of change isn’t easy, of course in fact, it will be downright soul destroying at times. and that is why you need to make sure you and your partner know how to fight. the relationship is a living, breathing thing. much like the body and muscles, it cannot get stronger without stress and challenge. you have to fight. you have to hash things out. obstacles make the marriage. john gottman is a hot shit psychologist and researcher who has spent over 30 years analyzing married couples, looking for keys to why they stick together (and why they break up). in fact, when it comes to “why do people stick together?” he dominates the field. what gottman does is he gets married couples in a room, puts some cameras on them, and then he asks them to have a fight notice: he doesn’t ask them to talk about how great the other person is. he doesn’t ask them what they like best about their relationship. he asks them to fight they’re told to pick something they’re having problems with and talk about it for the camera. gottman then analyses the couple’s discussion (or shouting match) and is able to predict with startling accuracy whether or not a couple will divorce. but what’s most interesting about gottman’s research is that the things that lead to divorce are not necessarily what you might imagine. he found that successful couples, like unsuccessful couples, fight consistently. and some of them fight furiously.1 gottman has been able to narrow down four characteristics of a couple that tend to lead to divorces (or breakups). he has gone on and called these “the four horsemen” of the relationship apocalypse in his books:2 the reader emails you all sent back this up as well. out of the 1,500 i received, almost every single one referenced the importance of dealing well with conflict. advice given by readers included: but all of this takes for granted another important point: the willingness to fight in the first place. when people talk about the necessity for “good communication” all of the time, this is what they should mean: be willing to have the uncomfortable talks; be willing to have the fights; say the ugly things and get it all out in the open. this was a constant theme from the divorced readers dozens had more or less the same sad story to tell: but there’s no way on god’s green earth this is her fault alone. there were times when i saw huge red flags. instead of trying to figure out what in the world was wrong, i just plowed ahead. i’d buy more flowers, or candy, or do more chores around the house. i was a “good” husband in every sense of the word. but what i wasn’t doing was paying attention to the right things… and instead of saying something, i ignored all of the signals. when you end up being right about something shut up. you can be right and be quiet at the same time. your partner will already know you’re right and will feel loved knowing that you didn’t wield it like a bastard sword. in marriage, there’s no such thing as winning an argument. perhaps the most interesting nugget from gottman’s research is the fact that most successful couples don’t actually resolve all of their problems. in fact, his findings were completely backwards from what most people actually expect: people in lasting and happy relationships have problems that never completely go away, while couples that feel as though they need to agree and compromise on everything end up feeling miserable and falling apart. this comes back to the respect thing. if you have two different individuals sharing a life together, it’s inevitable that they will have different values and perspectives on some things and clash over them. the key here is not to change the other person as the desire to change your partner is inherently disrespectful (to both them and yourself) but rather it’s to simply abide by the difference, love them despite it, and when things get a little rough around the edges, to forgive them for it. everyone says that compromise is key, but that’s not how my husband and i see it. it’s more about seeking understanding. compromise is bullshit, because it leaves both sides unsatisfied, losing little pieces of themselves in an effort to get along. on the other hand, refusing to compromise is just as much of a disaster, because you turn your partner into a competitor (“i win, you lose”). these are the wrong goals, because they’re outcome based rather than process based. when your goal is to find out where your partner is coming from to truly understand on a deep level you can’t help but be altered by the process. conflict becomes much easier to navigate because you see . . . the context. i’ve written regularly that the key to happiness is not achieving your lofty dreams, or experiencing some dizzying high, but rather finding the struggles and challenges that you enjoy enduring. it’s the same in relationships: your perfect partner is not someone who has no problems in the relationship. rather, your perfect partner has problems that you feel good about dealing with. but how do you get good at forgiveness? what does that actually mean? here’s what readers had to say: and finally, pick your battles wisely. you and your partner only have so many fucks to give, make sure you both are saving them for the real things that matter. been happily married 40+ years. one piece of advice that comes to mind: choose your battles. some things matter, [and are] worth getting upset about. most do not. argue over the little things and you’ll find yourself arguing endlessly; little things pop up all day long, it takes a toll over time. like chinese water torture: minor in the short term, corrosive over time. consider: is this a little thing or a big thing? is it worth the cost of arguing? if you don’t take the time to meet for lunch, go for a walk, or go out to dinner and a movie with some regularity, then you basically end up with a roommate. staying connected through life’s ups and downs is critical. eventually, your kids grow up, your obnoxious brother in law will join a monastery, and your parents will die. when that happens, guess who’s left? you got it . . . mr./mrs. right! you don’t want to wake up 20 years later and be staring at a stranger because life broke the bonds you formed before the shitstorm started. of the many responses i got, i’d say about half of them mentioned one simple but effective piece of advice: don’t ever stop doing the little things. they add up. things as simple as saying “i love you” before going to bed; holding hands during a movie; doing small favors here and there; helping with some household chores. even cleaning up when you accidentally pee on the toilet seat (seriously, someone said that) these things all matter and add up over the long run. the same way fred, married for 40+ years, says that arguing over small things consistently wears you both down (“like chinese water torture)”, so do the little favors and displays of affection add up. don’t forget them. this becomes particularly important once kids enter the picture. the big message i heard hundreds of times about kids was, put the marriage first. children are worshipped in our culture. parents are expected to sacrifice everything for them. but the best way to raise healthy and happy kids is to maintain a healthy and happy marriage. good kids don’t make a good marriage. a good marriage makes good kids. so, keep your marriage the top priority. readers were insistent about maintaining regular “date nights,” planning weekend getaways, and to making time for sex, even when you’re tired, even when you’re stressed and exhausted and the baby is crying, even when junior has soccer practice at 5:30am the next day. make time for it. it’s worth it. there is no 50/50 in housecleaning, child rearing, vacation planning, dishwasher emptying, gift buying, dinner making, money making, etc. the sooner everyone accepts that, the happier everyone is. we all have things we like to do and hate to do; we all have things we are good at and not so good at. talk to your partner about those things when it comes to dividing and conquering all the crap that has to get done in life. most people have an image in their mind of how a relationship should work. for many, it’s that both people share responsibilities; both manage to finely balance their time together with the time for themselves; both pursue engaging and invigorating interests on their own and then share the benefits together; both take turns cleaning the toilet and blowing each other and cooking gourmet lasagna for the extended family at thanksgiving (although hopefully not at the same time). then there’s how relationships actually work: chaotic. stressful. miscommunication flying everywhere so that both of you feel as though you’re in a perpetual state of talking to a wall. the fact is relationships are imperfect, messy affairs. and it’s for the simple reason that they’re comprised of imperfect, messy people people who want different things at different times in different ways. the common theme of the advice about the logistics of running a relationship was be pragmatic. if the wife is a lawyer and spends 50 hours at the office every week, and the husband is an artist and can work from home most days, it makes more sense for him to handle most of the day to day parenting duties. if the wife’s standard of cleanliness makes a home & garden catalog look like a hovel, and the husband has gone six months without even noticing the light fixture hanging from the ceiling, then it makes sense that the wife handles more of the home cleaning duties. it’s economics 101: division of labor makes everyone better off. figure out what you are each good at, what you each love/hate doing, and then arrange accordingly. my wife loves cleaning (no, seriously), but she hates smelly stuff. so, guess who gets dishes and garbage duty? i don’t give a fuck i’ll eat off the same plate seven times in a row, and i couldn’t smell a dead rat even if it was sleeping under my pillow. on top of that, many couples suggested laying out rules for the relationship more generally. to what degree will you share finances? how much debt will be taken on or paid off? how much can each person spend without consulting the other? what purchases should be done together, or do you trust each other to shop separately? how do you decide which vacations to go on? have meetings about this stuff. sure, it’s not sexy or cool, but it needs to get done. you’re sharing a life together, so you need to plan and account for each person’s needs and resources. one person even said that she and her husband have “annual reviews” every year. she immediately told me not to laugh, but seriously this couple have annual reviews where they discuss everything that’s going on in the household and what they can do in the coming year to change the things that aren’t working. even if you think this sort of stuff sounds lame, it’s what keeps this couple in touch with each other. and because they always have their fingers on the pulse of each other’s needs, they’re more likely to grow together rather than grow apart. i have been married for 44 years (4 children, 6 grandchildren). i think the most important thing that i have learned in those years is that the love you feel for each other is constantly changing. sometimes you feel a deep love and satisfaction, other times you want nothing to do with your spouse; sometimes you laugh together, sometimes you’re screaming at each other. it’s like a roller coaster ride, ups and downs all the time, but as you stay together long enough, the downs become less severe, and the ups are more loving and contented. so even if you feel like you could never love your partner any more, that can change, if you give it a chance. i think people give up too soon. you need to be the kind of person that you want your spouse to be. when you do that, it makes a world of difference. out of the hundreds of emails i received, one stuck with me. a nurse wrote to say that she used to work with a lot of geriatric patients. one day, she was talking to a man in his late 80s about marriage and why his had lasted so long, and he said, “relationships exist as waves people need to learn how to ride them.” the old man went on to say that, just like in the ocean, there are constant waves of emotion going on within a relationship some waves last for hours, some last for months or even years. the key to success is to understand that few of those waves have anything to do with the quality of the relationship people lose jobs, family members die, couples relocate, switch careers, make a lot of money, lose a lot of money. your job as a committed partner is to simply ride the waves with the person you love, regardless of where they go. because ultimately, none of these waves last. and you simply end up with each other. two years ago, i suddenly began resenting my wife for any number of reasons. i felt as if we were floating along, doing a great job of co existing and co parenting, but not sustaining a real connection. it deteriorated to the point that i considered separating from her; however, whenever i gave the matter intense thought, i could not pinpoint a single issue that was a deal breaker. i knew her to be an amazing person, mother, and friend. i bit my tongue a lot and held out hope that the malaise would pass as suddenly as it had arrived. fortunately, it did, and i love her more than ever. so, the final bit of wisdom is to afford your spouse the benefit of the doubt. if you have been happy for such a long period, that is the case for good reason. be patient and focus on the many aspects of her that still exist that caused you to fall in love in the first place. i’d like to take a moment to thank all of the readers who took the time to write something and send it to me. as always, it was humbling to see the wisdom and life experience out there. there were many, many, many excellent responses, filled with kind, heartfelt advice. it was hard to choose the ones that ended up here, and in many cases, i could have put a dozen different quotes that said almost the exact same thing. exercises like this amaze me because when you ask thousands of people for advice on something, you expect to receive thousands of different answers. but i’ve done this on another subject, and in both cases, the vast majority of the advice has largely overlapped. it shows you how similar we really are. and how no matter how bad things may get, we are never as alone as we think. i would end this by summarizing the advice in one tidy section. but once again, a reader named margo did it far better than i ever could: you can work through anything as long as you are not destroying yourself or each other. that means emotionally, physically, financially, or spiritually. make nothing off limits to discuss. never shame or mock each other for the things you do that make you happy. write down why you fell in love and read it every year on your anniversary (or more often). write love letters to each other often. [put] each other first. when kids arrive, it will be easy to fall into a frenzy of making them the only focus of your life…do not forget the love that produced them. you must keep that love alive and strong to feed them love. spouse comes first. each of you will continue to grow. bring the other one with you. be the one that welcomes that growth. don’t think that the other one will hold the relationship together. both of you should assume it’s up to you so that you are both working on it. be passionate about cleaning the house, preparing meals, and taking care of your home. this is required of everyone daily make it fun and happy and do it together. do not complain about your partner to anyone. love them for who they are. make love even when you are not in the mood. trust each other. give each other the benefit of the doubt always. be transparent. have nothing to hide. be proud of each other. have a life outside of each other but share it through conversation. pamper and adore each other. go to counseling now before you need it so that you are both open to working on the relationship together. disagree with respect to each other’s feelings. be open to change and accepting of differences. print this and refer to it daily. dump the toxic relationship cycle with my free mini course on attachment styles. your information is protected and i never spam, ever. you can view my privacy policy here. mark is the three time #1 new york times bestselling author of the subtle art of not giving a f*ck as well as other titles. his books have sold around 20 million copies, been translated into more than 65 languages, and reached number one in more than a dozen countries. in 2023, a feature film about his life and ideas was released worldwide by universal pictures. mark is the three time #1 new york times bestselling author of the subtle art of not giving a f*ck, as well as other titles. his books have sold around 20 million copies, been translated into more than 65 languages, and reached number one in more than a dozen countries. in 2023, a feature film about his life and ideas was released worldwide by universal pictures. learn about the idea that transformed a depressed deadbeat into one of the most important philosophers who ever lived. read about it in my free 19 page ebook.

jay mcgrath already has one fond fa cup memory and he is hoping to create another as his doncaster side play premier league outfit crystal palace on monday night. in 2019, alongside his limerick born dad john, he made history. the pair became the first father and son to play together in an fa cup match. they helped non league side mickleover sports beat coventry sphinx 3 0 in the competition’s preliminary round tie at the don amott arena. jay was just starting in the game at 16 while his 39 year old dad, who was also the team’s manager, was coming to the end of a career that included three premier league appearances with aston villa. that momentous occasion would never have happened had jay not been released as a youngster by doncaster, the club he plays for now. john has naturally been a big influence on jay’s career and knows what it takes to overcome setbacks. having not established himself as a regular in the villa first team, the midfielder had short stints at doncaster, shrewsbury, kidderminster harriers, limerick, weymouth and tamworth, before finally finding a footballing home, making over 200 appearances at burton albion between 2007 and 2013. mcgrath sr’s feats were all the more extraordinary when you consider at age 25, he was struck down with a life threatening bout of pneumonia and confined to a hospital bed for over two months, as he explained in a lengthy interview with the 42 in 2020. not many people would have predicted that john would still be playing football more than 13 years after that significant setback and he remains involved in the game to this day, managing national league north side buxton. consequently, jay has the perfect role model to emulate as he also seeks to defy the odds and achieve longevity in a notoriously ruthless industry. “as a kid, i would go watch him play every weekend when i wasn’t in school, i’d go and watch him train,” mcgrath jr tells the 42. “so he was a huge part of my footballing journey growing up, and he still is to this day, a massive influence on the way i am as a person and the way i am as a player. “at 16, i was released, and playing sunday league again. he just said to me: ‘football is a funny game. make sure you continue to work as hard as you can. if you work as hard as you can, at the end of it, you know you’ve done your most and you’ll end up where you’ll end up.’ he said: ‘make sure you always put 100% in and that way you can never have any excuses or doubts.’” the mcgrath family grew up in doncaster so getting released by his local club exacerbated the heartbreak of this predicament. “having setbacks at such a young age is difficult, especially when you have a lot of friends in the game in these teams, and as such a young kid, you don’t really understand it. you think that’s the end. it’s like football is over, but you have to jump back on the horse and keep going, keep practising, keep working at your craft. “and you just hope that the opinion of one manager [will be positive], one club will take you, and then it’s up to you then, once you’re in the door, to put in the performances and put in the hard work to continue developing and improving.” after mcgrath’s release by doncaster, he signed for northern premier league side mickleover, who happened to be coached by his father. the switch paved the way for that memorable fa cup moment. “it was a great achievement for us, especially as a family,” he recalls. “it was quite funny to be getting shouted at by dad on the football pitch for the 90 minutes.” jay mcgrath's father john pictured above during his time at doncaster rovers. alamy stock photo alamy stock photo mcgrath knew there would be accusations of nepotism, particularly if he had a couple of bad games. “there was that added pressure because people would say: ‘oh, he’s just playing because it’s his dad.’ or ‘he’s just got a chance because of his dad.’ but then it’s up to you to make sure you play well. i only played maybe 10 times under him, because i was only a young kid. i was only 16. “and he was right   as a manager, you can only play players that are ready and right to play. so it was up to me then to put the work in.” ultimately, mcgrath proved his worth, with the youngster’s performances earning a move to championship side coventry city on a two year deal in the summer of 2020, only a year after his release from doncaster. the teenage defender captained the sky blues’ u21 side but never broke through to the first team. it was still a “great experience” however, particularly as he came into contact with many top pros, including swedish international viktor gyökeres, who has since become one of the most in demand strikers in europe and has been linked with man united and arsenal, among others. “i’d say he’s probably the best striker i’ve trained with and against,” mcgrath says. “he’s just a specimen of an athlete and a very good finisher. “i’d say players like viktor, gus hamer, kyle mcfadzean, the centre half that was there, it’s all about the hard work every day in training. they’re making sure they’re at the levels they need to be at to perform. “they’re always pushing themselves, pushing their limits, pushing their bodies. i think that’s where you have to be as a footballer if you want to push on and you want to play at the top levels, you always have to be striving to be better.” there was a short lived loan switch to non league side alfreton town   another one of his father’s former clubs   but it was at st patrick’s athletic that mcgrath found his feet at senior level. the 21 year old describes going across the water to play in the league of ireland as “the most important move” of his young career. “i went in and they had faith in me, having not seen a lot of me or playing a lot of men’s football at that point, so to go in there and play as many games i did [was great].” being part of the matchday squad that won the 2023 fai cup has been among the high points of mcgrath’s career   not bad for someone playing his first proper year of senior football in which he made 27 appearances for the dublin side. mcgrath is complimentary about the standard of the premier division comparing it to “the top end of league two,” citing the ability of former teammates like chris forrester, sam curtis and mason melia as evidence of the talent that exists on these shores. the memorable 3 1 victory over bohemians at the aviva stadium proved the climax of his stint in ireland, as mcgrath returned to doncaster in january of last year. “when i came home, they just called and asked if i’d like to come in to train   to stay fit and have a look at the club. so i went in, and as soon as i went back, it felt right, almost like i was back home again. so it was a no brainer when they offered me a contract.” mcgrath has since flourished for the side who are third in league two, with his 32 appearances already eclipsing the 11 made by his dad more than 20 years ago. he also followed in his father’s footsteps by obtaining a degree in professional sports writing and broadcasting from the university of staffordshire, with journalism a viable route in the future. but mcgrath hopes he won’t have to put it to good use anytime soon, and the odds are certainly in his favour to continue thriving, as he appears to have inherited his father’s remarkable resilience. “that’s something he has instilled in me since i was a young kid, you have to be resilient, not just in football, but in everyday life, the world throws you knockbacks all the time. so you have to be strong, you have to be strong minded, strong willed. and you just have to keep going and persevering no matter what.” to embed this post, copy the code below on your site 600px wide <iframe width="600" height="460" frameborder="0" style="border:0px;" src="https://www.the42.ie/https://www.the42.ie/jay mcgrath interview 6617630 feb2025/?embedpost=6617630&width=600&height=460" ></iframe> 400px wide <iframe width="600" height="460" 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the great readon comedy *that’s his opinion. and yet he’s setting a new standard for what life after late night can look like. (hint: it’s a lot like what he did on talk shows.) the great readon comedy *that’s his opinion. and yet he’s setting a new standard for what life after late night can look like. (hint: it’s a lot like what he did on talk shows.) conan o’brien has built one of the most consequential careers in comedy. but while his late night tenure is beloved, his postshow work may turn out to be more impressive.credit...adali schell for the new york times supported by by jason zinoman after hosting talk shows for nearly three decades, conan o’brien has come to believe that longevity is overrated. the first time he made this point to me was in april at a restaurant in new york, when he proposed that all statues and monuments should be made with durable soap that dissolves in seven years. one month later, in his office in los angeles, down the hall from his podcast studio, he went further, declaring himself anti graveyard. asked if this means he wants to be cremated, o’brien responded: “i want to be left in a ditch and found by a jogger.” taking up space in a cemetery seems selfish to him. “i say this in a positive way,” he added, leaning forward and shifting to a less jokey tone. “we don’t matter.” since leaving late night television in 2021, conan o’brien, 61, has become more reflective about life (and death), given to philosophical flights of fancy that he compulsively alternates with comic tangents. o’brien famously champions the intersection between smart and stupid, but in conversation, what stands out is how quickly he moves between light and heavy. in one of several interviews, i asked him if he was happier now than when he was on television and his response was to question happiness itself. “at best it’s a fleeting moment after a rainstorm when the sun’s coming out,” he said. “being contented comes in little moments, here and there.” the only thing trickier than being a late night talk show host is being a former one.