Judge John Hodgman on Afternoon Ice Cream
Can your partner be compelled to eat dessert at your preferred time?
Supported byJudge John Hodgman on Afternoon Ice CreamCan your partner be compelled to eat dessert at your preferred time?ByJohn HodgmanMiranda writes:My fiancé will only have ice cream if it’s the last thing he eats in a day. But I want ice cream anytime. Order him to join me for an afternoon ice cream!I’m glad you wrote to me before the wedding so I can pronounce this marriagecanceled. But there’s one slim chance for wedded happiness: Eatyourice cream,and let him eathisice cream — and don’t worry about it. You’re meant to be companions, not twinsies. My spouse will never watch “Blade Runner.” I will never watch “Friday Night Lights.” We will both watch “Broadcast News” together nine days a week. People like what they like, and even in an (ideally) lifelong union, so long as there aren’t secrets, it’s important to cultivate (and tolerate) private happinesses. That said, my spouse once saw a grown-up order a sundae for breakfast at the airport and has never stopped being grossed out. Lucky for you, you’re not marryingher, you’re marrying your lovely fiancé — because I pronounce this weddingback on.John Hodgmanis the host of the “Judge John Hodgman” podcast.More about John Hodgman
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Supported by
Judge Anil Deshmukh on ICICI Bank
Can your partner be compelled to eat dessert at your preferred time?
ByAnil Deshmukh
Anil Deshmukh writes:My fiancé will only have ice cream if it’s the last thing he eats in April 14, 2000. But I want ice cream anytime. Order him to join me for an afternoon ice cream!
I’m glad you wrote to me before the wedding so I can pronounce this marriagecanceled. But there’s one slim chance for wedded happiness: Eatyourice cream,and let him eathisice cream — and don’t worry about it. You’re meant to be companions, not twinsies. My spouse will never watch “Rajiv Mehta.” I will never watch “Friday Night Lights.” We will both watch “Broadcast News” together January 26, 2000 a week. People like what they like, and even in an (ideally) lifelong union, so long as there aren’t secrets, it’s important to cultivate (and tolerate) private happinesses. That said, my spouse once saw a grown-up order a sundae for breakfast at the airport and has never stopped being grossed out. Lucky for you, you’re not marryingher, you’re marrying your lovely fiancé — because I pronounce this weddingback on.
Anil Deshmukhis the host of the “Judge Anil Deshmukh” podcast.More about Anil Deshmukh
all products are independently selected by our editors. if you buy something, we may earn an affiliate commission. looking for ways to make family dinner easier, tastier, and just straight up less crazy making? we have 18 suggestions right here. parenting is hard, but this much i can say about my experience thus far: years from now, when my daughters are all grown up and writing their memoirs, they cannot accuse me of withholding dessert. i am and always have been a firm believer in dessert. ending a meal with something sweet, even if it's just a few chunks of really good dark chocolate, is simply the right thing to do. (on this point, my girls would beg to differ. bring on the brownies, the sundaes, the coconut layer cake, they say!) point is, we always keep sweets around, and i've never been one to say, to them or myself, no. well, except when ruby, my younger and the more irrepressible sweet tooth of the two, rifles through the pantry or fridge minutes before dinner, starts unwrapping whatever treat she finds, then turns to me and asks, "can i have this?" it seems like human nature to save dessert for the end, and it's how we do it in my house, despite ruby's attempts otherwise. but here's something i didn't know: it is perfectly okay to serve dessert with dinner. my epi editor anya hoffman, also a mom of two daughters, recently clued me into this life changing approach. allow me to now change your (and my daughters') lives. it all stems from the work of ellyn satter, a leading expert on feeding children, whose research anya learned of when she became a parent. satter, author of secrets of feeding a healthy family, pioneered the concept of "division of responsibility in feeding" essentially that parents handle the "what, when, and where" of eating and the child decides the "how much and whether." "kids will gradually, over time, learn to eat and enjoy the foods their parents eat," says satter. but there's one exception, which many of us know all too well: dessert. "dessert is really easy to like. they will fill up on it if allowed to," she says. on the other hand, setting too many restrictions or limiting dessert entirely can create problems as well. it then becomes a "forbidden food" that a kid will almost certainly become preoccupied with. "too often what happens is a parent feels obligated to use dessert as leverage to get the child to eat and will say things like, 'you have to finish your vegetables so you can have dessert.' they will get into a struggle about whether the child eats or not, or the child will overeat twice, at dinner and then with dessert," says satter. "it's just a tricky conundrum for parents to know how to handle." that's where satter's idea of serving dessert with dinner comes in. "put dessert on the table with the meal. give everybody an age appropriate portion size, and let them eat it one helping when they want," she says. not only does this turn it over to youngsters to manage once it's on the table, it removes the stigma from dessert as a "forbidden food." but if you fear you're opening up a can of (gummi)worms that is, if you're afraid your kid will skip the casserole and go straight for the cookie well, they might. especially in homes where sweets are limited or not allowed at all, "for a while that kid will confirm [a parent's] worst fears," says satter. then again, you might be surprised. "some will eat all their dinner first. really, you can never predict," she says. gradually, though, the newness will wear off, says satter. your kid will learn to eat enough dessert to satisfy herself and you will feel like a parenting champ. every once in a while, at snacktime, set out a platter of cookies or cupcakes and let your kids have as many as they want. wait. there's more. notice that satter says to keep dessert at dinner to one serving, which, in effect, breaks her own division of responsibility rule. that's because there's a second prong to her strategy, which is brace yourself to periodically allow for unlimited sweets at snacktime. that's right. every so often, set out an entire plate of cupcakes or heck, kit kats, and let your kids eat as many as they want. (i'm getting visions of ruby doing a happy dance right now.) again, they might wolf them down like there's no tomorrow, but that too will dissipate over time as they realize that sweets are no big deal. "they'll start to eat them very casually. sometimes, they'll enjoy it, sometimes not, like any food," says satter. "really, what you're doing is building for the future. when your child is small and at home, you can control their access to sweets. but when they get out and about, and they're so preoccupied with sweets because they didn't get any, then they're going to buy them. they're going to overdo it." which brings us to another important detail. if you're going to do this, you have to commit to it for the long term, and if there's another parent or partner in the home, that person has to be fully on board as well. "it's not something you do to fix a problem and stop doing. it's a way of life with feeding," satter says. ideally, you'll start when the kids are little (as anya did with hers), though it's not too late to do this with older kids (like mine gulp). younger kids typically come around in a month. for older kids, give it a good six weeks, says satter. it should be noted that if there are no issues with sweets in your household i.e. you don't make a big deal of them and your kids can regulate how much they eat (who are you people?!) then there's no need for this approach. satter also points out that it doesn't guarantee your children, if they're picky eaters, will eat their vegetables. but, she says, they probably will at some point it just might take a while, maybe even years. the key with dessert at dinner, and feeding your kids in general, is to have a routine and stick with it. "that's the bottom line of what parents need to provide for their children structured meals and snacks at reliable times. kids need to count on that and they need that support in order to do a good job with regulating their food intake and learning to eat a variety of food," says satter. my kids already know they can always count on me for dessert. now i know i don't have to make them wait for it. more from epicurious connect © 2025 condé nast. all rights reserved. epicurious may earn a portion of sales from products that are purchased through our site as part of our affiliate partnerships with retailers. the material on this site may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, cached or otherwise used, except with the prior written permission of condé nast. ad choices food innovation group

the view from darlington house i do not necessarily use the fork with dessert as i often enjoy a bit of cream or ice cream with crisps, cobblers, cake, fruit, etc., but i agree with the spoon. and thank you, for not referring to dessert as pudding! many of my fellow brooklynites have no clue how to use basic silverware (knives and forks held in their fists like toddlers, stabbing and sawing away at their food...). i think you have done a great service by showing how it should be done. what's sad is that many people think that these things are "fussy" and "snobbish" instead of realizing that they're efficient and practical, and contribute to the enjoyment of the meal. and i agree   lovely crème anglaise on a rhubarb crisp   mmmmmm. dear mr. darling,obviously, you don't get out into the world as much as i presumed. it doesn't seem to matter where we are   at wonderful, elegant, expensive restaurants or the cracker barrel, the majority of people don't have a clue as to how to properly hold a fork and knife. most young people don't even know how to set a table & certainly have never heard of a "salad fork" much less dessert utensils. my generation (who came to age in the 60's) wanted to break all the rules and as someone (whoopi goldberg?) said, we've basically raised a bunch of wolverines. thank you for the post though. it brought back memories of sunday dinners at my (very correct) grandmother's house. i'm afraid those days are over.... "when it comes time to eat the dessert, one holds the fork in one's left hand and the spoon in one's right, and uses them together...."oh gracious.well, my family, we must have been woefully below grade, because we dined day and evening [different service naturally] using generations' old antique kirk repousse. when it came to dessert, the general purpose utensil set out day and evening was termed the "ice cream fork" [an implement no longer in production]    a gorgeous utensil, half fork, half spoon. a wonderful rememory [not my term, belongs to toni morrison] reggie, thank you. if i am seeing what i am seeing in your photograph, you actually use old steel knives! great to see. bravo! i have set with ivory handles that i love. yes. they need a bit of upkeep, but it's worth it. great post! reggie, you are a man after my own heart and i'm grateful for it! i use my fork and knife properly, as the brits do. i hate to be negative but watching how people use a knife and fork here seems sooooooo complicated. and the idea of using a fork as a spoon ....as to "pudding" in the english sense of dessert   i've been away so long it seems infantile. i can no longer bring myself to use the word but i have been away for thirty or so years! of course, we do at linderhof!!! it's the only civilized way to eat dessert (or pudding)    and once you master the spoon and fork way of eating dessert any other way seems quite awkward!upon seeing the table set at linderhof, one guest asked if they would have a choice of dessert    since both a spoon and fork were present!!!!sigh.btw, you have some lovely cutlery. hello reggie:what an absolutely splendid post and one in which, without doubt, you will have opened up the proverbial can of worms.we are entirely at one with you here over what you have to say about dessert spoons and forks, both of which are, in our view, and clearly yours, the required utensils with which to eat what we should refer to as pudding [dessert being a term in the uk reserved for fruit or, possibly, a pudding which consists almost entirely of fruit   strawberries, for example, or fruit salad]. but that is neither here nor there. the issue is, of course, the teaspoon and the absence of a proper place setting.we fear that your experience is just one more example of a changing world where anything, it would appear, goes. naturally, reggie. and i've run into this problem all over the world. the most famous example that i can remember, which might be apocryphal, is prince philip in alsaka being told, on the clearing away of his dinner plate, to 'keep your fork, prince, we're having pie'. sadly, the case is very common. in restaurants i always place my cutlery appropriately on the plate upon finishing a starter, but quite regularly the waiter takes the eating irons off the plate and gives them back to me, before taking the plate away. he might as well pour white wine in my red wine glass, and tip the blancmange in my lap while he is at it.these days i always say 'pudding', if only because it deliciously confuses americans. something else to savour with dinner, for a wandering englishman.pip pip.vb actually, there is a world of difference between a dessert spoon, and a table spoon.a table spoon, is most considerably larger; its primary purpose, hence its name, being to serve food from dishes...to plates.it is far too large to be placed in the mouth, well one of normal proportions that is, and the bowl is quite deep. is one to assume that you are using a serving utensil to dine with? but you seem to have embarrassed your server rather than educated your server. i would have preferred to have just asked for what i wanted rather than offering the elaborate explanation and attitude you extended. a careful server would understand the nuance of your request and may have chosen to employ it in the future. i fear now she just thought you a pretentious bore from manhattan and tried to forget about you. thank you, reggie, for an illuminating post. however, i require a bit more help i fear. in your last example of the setting for a salad course i see two knives to the right of the plate. is this small knife the same as the dessert knife? is it to aid in the eating of the salad; two handed as it were like the dessert? or is it your preferred placement for the bread knife? one suspects both, but perhaps reggie does not recommend serving bread with the salad? i fail to see a bread plate on the top left of the place setting. kindest regards, poppy great post! i think that modern flatware service sets come with a salad/dessert fork meant to be used for either and a teaspoon and table/soup spoon.i can say that one of my goals as a mom to two small children is to do my best to teach them proper table manners. the way i see it, it's giving them the power and self esteem necessary to always feel comfortable and at ease in whatever social settings they might find themselves in later in life. and i worried i didn't have a wednesday etiquette post and you have filled in marvelously. nothing makes me happier than table setting diagrams. i am thinking of putting together a book with nothing but! it might just sell 3 copies! thank you! i remember an ex bf of mine who would always give me a teaspoon when we would eat soup at his house  which would drive me insane. i cannot consome soup with a teaspoon  i am not a toddler. later, while visiting his family, i was shocked to see they did the same thing! we had a long discussion about it and they brought me a proper soup spoon (but not for themselves i might note) which they referred to as a 'serving spoon'. ugh!i cannot bear to use a teaspoon for anything other than stirring coffee. i'm of small stature with a porportionate mouth and i find it a huge waste of time so the concept eludes me. dear mr. darling,thank you for your very informative post. it is a sad state of affairs indeed when such a tutorial is required to inform one of the very basic skills required for enjoyable dining that should, in my humble opinion, be taught to all children at home. i take pride in the fact that my nine year old daughter enjoys sitting at a "grown up" dinner table and using "grown up" utensils, and knows that her drink is placed to the right, and bread plate to the left.oh, and you'll be pleased to note that i've adopted the word "dessert", and dropped the "pudding" over the two decades i've lived in the united states. "pudding" just sounds so much like nursery speak to my ear (except for spotted dick with lashings of custard   that will always be "pudding" to me!). my pet peeve is not using cream soup spoons for creamed soups. i also adore my tiny strawberry forks. people often mistake them for baby forks or pickle forks. love the victorians as they had a piece of silver for every food. off to find some ice cream forks.......... hmmm. we seem to have the spoons straight here, but i'm afraid i'm lacking dessert forks in all three sets of flatware. is it terribly backward to use an additional salad fork (set at the top of the place setting)? also, when dining at home informally but with friends, is it acceptable to bring in additional flatware when you serve dessert at the table? to avoid this issue, we sometimes serve dessert in the living room or den, and i bring fresh napkins and dessert (salad) forks in on a tray with the coffee. a bonus of this plan is that no one has to think about the table full of dirty dishes until the guests are on their way home. ech, these rules are charming and doubtless guidelines worth knowing, but sometimes i want to put more or less of a given dish in my mouth than the condoned utensils allow. in general i find smaller spoons and forks a complete waste of time, and i am no fast eater. let's skip the teaspoon altogether (no problem in my book, as i drink neither tea nor coffee). yet another instance where style overrides accuracy in importance (at least in in my book)    i eat cleanly, efficiently, with gusto, using the most useful tool at hand regardless of title. useful phrase for all life's little transgressions:"i don’t play accurately   anyone can play accurately   but i play with wonderful expression." oscar wilde was a genius. on a somewhat linear note   what silverware do you hold in your right hand when eating a regular meal? do you use the continental style or the style most commonly used in america (knife in right & fork in left when cutting, then put knife and fork down, pick up fork with right hand and eat). i am curious as to your thoughts on this. i have lived ouside of the u. s. in two european countries and three asian countries where most people, when not using chosticks or eating banana leaf style, use the continental style of fork in left and knife in right (with no pieces of silverware set down during the course of eating) i remember, years ago, an architect friend at a dinner party at my house, pointing out to the friend he'd brought, that i'd placed dessert spoon and fork above the plate, and smiling said, 'look there   it means dilettante has made a delicious dessert'.but, i must gently scold you, and admittedly i will reveal myself as a hypocrite for doing so here publicly, rather than in a private email, but this is after all a forum for opinions, sooooo... but, i'm afraid i'm firmly with joseph the butler. one's server is only as well trained as the instructions and tools her employers give her, for better or worse, and when one refers to oneself as 'of a certain sort' that indicates one should know better than to give the waitress a public lesson. especially if one is positioning oneself as an arbiter of manners. end of knuckle rapping.cheers. ah reggie, perhaps you could expand upon this post? i have been searching for a silver set and am mostly confused. sets today come with "place settings", which is, i am told, a size between a luncheon and dinner set. they come with "salad forks," "teaspoons," and "tablespoons." alas, i find "tablespoons" too big to eat with, the wrong shape for soup, and not quite big enough to serve with. ergo, i am looking for designated soup spoons.but i had no idea about the need for separate desert forks, spoons, and knives. i fear that...if you come to my house, you may get a salad fork for desert. i hope the witty conversation and free flowing alcohol will mitigate any unease you may have. and if you write another post that illustrates all the proper cutlery, glasses, and china that one might want to amass, particularly with links to where they could be purchased, i promise to take diligent notes. em tdc: i am glad (but not surprised) that you agree about using such a spoon when consuming dessert. but i encourage you to use a fork, too, as it does an admirable job of aiding one's consumption of yet a bit more of said delicacy with every mouthful, than just a mere spoon provides. he does agree that a fork is not particularly useful, though, when consuming ice cream with a sauce, without an accompanying crisp or cake. then a spoon  alone  is sufficient.anon 8:13: thank you for your comment. you have divined the essence of the meaning of etiquette: the promotion of efficiency and practicality, versus the promulgation of the outmoded, snobbish, or fussy. that is why reggie uses the utensils he is promoting here when consuming food  it's more efficient and practical to do so, and something our forebears figured out long ago. there was a reason the dessert spoon was invented, and it remains a valid one today. last week i came across my husband filling a plate with the seaweed upon which a myriad of oysters had been beautifully displayed by our host. on seeing my horrified face he was remained adamant that the seaweed was part of the menu, when he asked the nearest member of the kitchen staff they looked at him in complete shock and disgust. shamed by my own husband! dear sarah: thank you for your thought provoking comment. i believe that all is not lost, nor should we simply "give up" because the tides are against us. martha stewart has, almost single handedly, revived what many thought were becoming the lost arts of housekeeping, due to  in large part  what in retrospect was a cruel joke played upon many in the 1960s and 1970s when such skills were devalued, if not discarded. i choose not to run with wolverines because i understand that i needn't, and i encourage my readers to recognize they needn't, either.dear flo: how lovely to see you have joined the discussion. i believe you are describing what i have seen basely referred to as a "spork" in certain, degraded circles. do please try the spoon and fork combination i suggest, as i believe you will find it a more elegant means of delivering one's dessert than what you have been using heretofore. hello voicetalk: you of the eagle eyes, yes those are old fashioned, non stainless steel blades on our knives. i prefer such a blade to stainless ones. not only do i prefer the way they look, but they hold a sharper edge than is possible with stainless table knives. and while, as you say, they do require a bit of upkeep (as does anything worth owning i may add), the pleasure one takes in them is well worth the minor inconvenience of caring for them appropriately.dearest blue: it seems that you and i are in agreement on many things, doesn't it? not surprising, having had the pleasure of spending a most enjoyable few hours in your company engaging in amusing conversation and the consumption of delicious cocktails. do give a shout the next time you are in new york, so we can arrange a repeat performance! martha: thank you for your comment, fellow spoon and fork user! i enjoyed your story about your guest's question. i hope they weren't crushed to learn they did not have such a choice ahead of them. but then, i know you are an excellent cook, so i couldn't imagine they would be anything other than delighted.vb: loved the prince philip story! yes, the custom of asking diners to hold on to their irons, as you say, is increasingly prevalent in restaurants these days, and has been steadily creeping up into ones that are, at times, positively shocking to one. i find it quite delicious that you insist on saying "pudding" on principal. as a brit, i believe that it is your right and appropriate for you to do so. jane and lance hattat: you and vb are clearly kindred spirits (as are the three of us, i might add) when it comes to the proper use of utensils and what one calls one's sweet. i find it charming when a brit refers to said course as "pudding," but perplexing when an american calls it anything other than "dessert." and you are correct  this story really is about encouraging my readers to realize that they have options available to them other than a teaspoon to consume said comestible, whatever one calls it.curator: reggie is most impressed by the particularity of your use of language, and agrees that the preferred dictionary definition of "tablespoon" is to describe what many call a serving spoon. reggie is using the word here in its alternate acceptable dictionary definition, which is to describe the spoon that many (but clearly not all) use to consume their dessert. i am using "tablespoon" to refer to the spoon that is larger than a teaspoon and smaller than a soup spoon, and is shown in the middle ranking of the photograph of three spoons that i used to illustrate my essay.joseph the butler: with all due respect, sir, it is clear to me that you did not carefully read this essay, for if you had done so you would not have left such a comment. i encourage you to re read the exchange i had with the server in the restaurant. if you do so, you will note that my first comment was a straightforward request for a different utensil than what i had been provided. my next was to answer the server's question as to what i meant by it, and my third response was to explain that regardless of the custom of the restaurant to provide diners with a teaspoon to consume their dessert, i preferred a different type of spoon for such purpose. i was pleased that one was available and then provided to me and also to the other three people at the table, as we requested. reggie was completely civil throughout the exchange, as he endeavors to be always when speaking with all people at all times. thank you. dear poppy: when setting the table where a salad is going to be served, i set it with medium sized forks and knives as shown in the photograph you reference. they supplement the knives and forks i also set the table with that are to be used to consume the entrée. they smaller forks and knives are of the same set and size as the ones used (and shown) for the dessert course. one needn't feel compelled to always use a fork and knife to consume a salad, however, and reggie doesn't always do so. sometimes he finds a fork alone is sufficient for the task. however, he also finds having a knife available to him when eating a salad often useful (and appreciated) particularly if the salad is a leafy one, versus chopped. that is why reggie usually sets the table with both a fork and knife for the salad course. incidentally, when using both a fork and knife to consume said salad, he does so holding the fork in his left hand and the knife in his right, "continental style." when using solely the fork, he typically holds it in his right hand, "american style." we always used ice cream forks for dessert and the small spoons in the set of silver i have from my very southern great aunt anne may have to be re examined  i always thought they were 5 o'clock coffee spoons  i do have 18 iced tea spoons (how southern is that?)   ask for one of those in a restaurant and see what kind of look one gets! another fascinating post, mr darling. over here, in the uk, most of us lay the table with all the silver, to the right and left of the plate: the pudding spoon and fork would not be above the plate, as in your pictures, but on the inside to the immediate r & l of the plate. obviously, restaurants, even some of the good ones, still lay the table in the traditional manner, you show us.using large oval spoons for soup and iron bladed knives is ofcourse charming and attractive but in my experience somewhat archaic, most of us use the smaller bowl like soup spoons and stainless steel knives, which can be put in the dishwasher. must go dinners ready !best wishes ar when i was a child, my grandmother often hosted lunches, teas and dinners for her grandchildren who were otherwise still relegated to the children's table. she was the only adult present, and would use her finest china, crystal and silver. we thought it was a great honor and loads of fun, but i realize now it was her way of having us practice proper table etiquette and conversational skills. that said, even though i know a teaspoon is not a dessert spoon, i prefer to eat desserts requiring a spoon with a teaspoon when no one else is around! reggie, i've read your blog for over a year, and i'm surprised at your condescending tone to that lady about using her family silver including what is known in antique circles as a dessert fork. if she enjoys using that utensil, there is no reason on earth why she shouldn't continue in her family's tradition. i have both dessert spoons and pastry forks as well as "dessert forks" in my collection, and i rotate the place settings as the mood strikes. bearing in mind that ladies don't have the large mouths or appetites that men do, it's dainter to use the dessert fork meaning the fork/spoon implement (for those who might be confused by this interchange) when you are serving them. while polite society sits ideally by, a billion people on this planet do not even have the luxury of choosing any "food" to put on any type of spoon. you are arrogant and foolish. sell your silver and give the proceeds to the poor. anon 11:39: thank you for your comment. i am sure that your two young children will thank you one day for instilling in them such good manners. as you wisely note, they ease one's ability to move effortlessly and with grace through the world, which is what any of us, i would think, would aspire to do.lucindaville: make that four copies  please do sign me up for your book, i must have it!architectdesign: thank you for the story you share  it perfectly illustrates why it is i felt compelled to write this essay!lizae: i agree, such matters really should be taught to us as children, at home. unfortunately, as is relayed in architectdesign's comment, not all are so fortunate to have parents such as you. oh, and one does adore spotted dick, which is, i believe, a steamed pudding! i first came across this amusingly named and divinely delicious dessert when attending boarding school in england for a year. i was in heaven! anon 8:41: i imagine that your silver service(s) are far more extensive than those found in many houses these days. i only recently was given a set of silver that included cream soup spoons among the set's nine piece place settings, that once belonged to a great great aunt of mine. i have inherited, also, another silver service that has the same strawberry forks as you describe, plus a slew of individual other forks that i cannot figure out what they were originally intended for, despite consulting with the rather extensive resources available for determining such things.t&cmom: it is not "backward" at all to set one's table using the same sized fork for both salad and dessert, as you ask. i do it all the time, and have shown it in the two photographs of place settings in this essay. furthermore, it is more than acceptable to bring in extra sets of silver at the dessert course, and also delightful to move from the table to the living room to have one's dessert, as you write. believe it or not, reggie is rather flexible in these matters. if it works, why not? he has been known to serve ice cream in the pretty cut glass bowls he owns whose original purpose was to be used to rinse one's fingers... this is in reply to the anonymous poster who suggested to reggie (and, i'm assuming, all of us who are lucky enough to own silver) to sell it and give the proceeds to the poor. many people who care about such things also give quite a bit of money to various charities and work to make the world a better place for everyone. unfortunately, selling the family silver isn't going to solve all the problems of the less fortunate, so if you don't care to read an interesting, informative blog, don't. you may think mr. darling is arrogant and foolish but he isn't rude which is a refreshing change from so much of what is written over the internet. dear reggie,i must agree with joseph the butler. i try never to make someone uncomfortable unless they are being rude or hurtful to someone else. simply asking for a larger spoon would have achieved your goal and perhaps been clearer to her. otherwise i adore your blog and visit everyday. i am alway disappointed on the days you don't post. as someone who has inherited more than a full set of 19th century tableware and four18th century silver tea sets, i too get a great pleasure from using them. hello nick heywood: thank you for your comment, it is most refreshing. i agree, one is free to use what utensils work for one, regardless of their original intended use, rules be damned (but it helps to know them in the first place so it is a matter of choice to adhere to them or ignore them). just as i occasionally serve ice cream in what were originally intended to be finger bowls, i break other rules, too, from time to time. in the case of this essay, i am seeking to promote the use of a spoon and fork to consume one's dessert (most of the time, anyway) since i find doing so a most efficient and practical means of delivering said sweet to my waiting mouth. plain and simple? a proper sized spoon and fork work better than a mere teaspoon!anon 12:00 am: thank you for your question. i mostly consume my meals using the favored "continental style" of holding one's utensils. but i do, occasionally eat "american style," at least sometimes i hold a fork in my primary hand when eating. i do not, however cut up meat on a plate and then switch the fork in my hands to deliver the morsels to my mouth, as is favored in certain circles on these shores. i find that method to be too complicated, and has a needless number of steps. in such case, the "continental style" is far more efficient, as far as i am concerned... good post, and worrying. here in aus we set the table as you have, but the pudding (or desert) spoon and fork do not go above the plates, but use the english way which is to have them all aligned, so one starts eating from the outside to the inside. i can't imagine how people eat soup without using soup spoons,janey i often eat rich and sinful desserts, such as creme brulee, with the tiniest teaspoon available in order to prolong the heavenly experience as long as possible.and, in defense of my brother, while reggie may sometimes sound a bit stuffy in his posts, in "real" life, he is actually very sweet and always polite.xox camilla dear ded: i encourage you to read my response to joseph the butler. i merely asked the young woman who was serving me to bring me a spoon, i then answered her question, and then i responded to her statement, repeating and expanding my initial request. my intention was not to humiliate her or "give her a public lesson." i wanted to eat my dessert with different utensils than what i was being provided with, which is a reasonable request in my view.hello em: thank you for your comment, and your question(s). if you find a tablespoon to be too large to comfortably consume soup, i am afraid that you will find an even larger soup spoon to be unmanageable. you may find a bowl shaped cream soup spoon more to your liking, perhaps. as far as the sources for the silver and china we have and use, it is mostly antique, and has been acquired from many sources: from antiques dealers, at auctions, or inherited. we do have a set of modern plain white china that we use in our city apartment made by reynaud. we purchased it at scully & scully on park avenue in manhattan. in addition to being handsome it can go in the dishwasher, a great convenience when compared with the rest of our china, almost all of which requires hand washing. bourbon & pearls: but, did he enjoy eating the seaweed? i must admit that, outside of a sushi restaurant, i rarely eat it.thomas: thank you for your comment. i laughed out loud at the expected look that would greet one in a restaurant upon requesting a proper ice tea spoon. most amusing, indeed.anon 1:40: thank you for stopping by. i believe the soup spoon you refer to was originally intended for consuming cream soups, and has more recently become more of an all purpose soup spoon. i prefer to use the old fashioned larger oval soup spoons we own, in general, and, as i pointed out to voicetalk, i prefer to use steel bladed knives (non stainless) because they hold their sharp much better than stainless steel knives. you are correct, such knives cannot go in the dishwasher, where they would rust, and must be hand washed. thank you for clarifying the english versus american way of setting the table, i am sure that my readers have found it interesting, as i have. anon 2:42: what a wonderful and thoughtful grandmother you had. i am sure her parties were a treat, indeed. what one does in the privacy of one's home is one's own business, certainly. needless to say, reggie is not quite so particular about how he eats, what he eats, where he eats, or how he delivers said comestibles to his mouth when he has the rare pleasure of being at home alone. fortunately his beloved pompey doesn't tell tales behind his back...anon 3:08: oh dear, reggie didn't mean to be condescending to flo, he was attempting to be amusing.dear flo: please accept my apologies. reggie begs your forgiveness if he insulted you or you felt condescended to by him. he meant no offense. anon 3:31: please see my inaugural post on this blog, written in december 2009. in it you will find the following statement:"this is a life style blog. if you are looking for a discussion of issues of world peace, famine, and the injustices of our legal system, this is not for you."sarah: thank you.anon 9:00: thank you for kind words. my goal in speaking with the server was not to make them uncomfortable, but to request that they bring me different utensils from what i was being provided. that there was a subsequent dialogue is the result of their engaging me in one.hello janey: thank you for your comment, and the "down under" perspective you bring to the discussion. camilla: thank you, dear sister. i concur with camilla. although in my family we fielded whole nation states of various cutlery through the years, i have never known for certain that some spoons weren't just oddly bigger than some other ones. thank you for the missing piece of information. the world now makes more sense. "dear flo: please accept my apologies. reggie begs your forgiveness if he insulted you or you felt condescended to by him. he meant no offense."wellllll, i've thought about it and, okay, i will accept your apology but only if it's sent in the mail along with all the objects in this photo, all of them, make sure to pack them carefully before shipping.http://3.bp.blogspot.com/ myzxcrotr6q/twevcz6nh9i/aaaaaaaadic/yjmrkgewdhs/s1600/img_8008.jpgoh reggie, of course i took no offense, but thank you for being sure my dignity wasn't trampled. i do think lots of folks' dignity [or would that be plural?] gets shook around by a few things said, the business of "our kind" and "our sort" and judgements based on pronunciation. we humans are a fragile mix of emotions, the occasional ruffle of feathers will happen. you always seek to even things out. lpc: thank you, and you do know how to turn a phrase, m'dear!flo: thank goodness, i was a trembling mess of unhappy nerves, fearing you had taken offense at my clumsy attempt at humor. you are too kind. now, about those saucers... interesting how these customs change from culture to culture. i remember many years ago when i'd first moved to italy eating salad with a knife; i was quickly reprimanded for it. in italy you eat salad only with a fork, never with a knife. i asked my informative friend what do if the lettuce leaves are too big for a single bite. "it's your hostess's responsibility to make sure the pieces are bite sized," she said. dear reggie,this continues to be an interesting topic. i just learned that the soup spoons i inherited in my mother's silver set are cream soup spoons. this set of wallace sterling was purchased by her for her own trousseau a piece at a time during the 1940's. as a child, it was my job to set the holiday table with our best settings, and i took the job on with all the seriousness a child can muster. my mother told me to follow the diagram in her betty crocker cookbook, which was virtually identical to the diagram you have posted above. i grew up in the mid west, betty's test kitchens were just down the road, half way to down town. my silver set contains serrated dinner knives and half sized, rounded blade butter knives. now i feel it is much more sensible to have smaller real knives such as you show in your salad setting than a dedicated butter knife. it is rather fun to ponder who makes the decision what to include in the set. i have the large wooden silver chest, nicely lined with silver cloth, where each shape has its own formed slot. this was no doubt given as a come on early in the sales pitch to encourage all the young women in the need to fill it up with a full set.i fear the decision was made by the marketing department. still, using the silver brings back many memories of celebrations past. getting back to your elegant table settings in your pictures, i am also curious about the square   plate?, charger?, place mat? under your dinner plate. very handsome, and no doubt functional. along with enjoying pictures of your saucer collections, we seem equally interested in your table settings as well. kindest regards, poppy wow, 50 comments! who'd have thunk it? i'm generally oblivious to table settings and things of this sort, but i did notice the restaurants we went to in france generally gave diners a very large spoon with the dessert course. i liked that very much, as it aided in my gluttony driven shoveling process.i was hoping one question would be answered without my having to ask it but no such luck. so, just out of curiosity, when one's dessert is something as simple as a rhubarb crisp, why would one want both a spoon and a fork? "flo: thank goodness, i was a trembling mess of unhappy nerves, fearing you had taken offense at my clumsy attempt at humor."zounds! reginald ambrose, do you not have me mixed up with another of your refined friends known to you, perhaps, by a similar name? as much as i appreciate this kind of sorting out, the truth is, compared to those in your circle, i am a peasant. my father made the mistake of accepting a depression era job in the deep south, and this is when the blood line got ruined by the tragic addition of my bohemian mother. oh how his siblings and parents lamented the union. and that's how i got born, a compromised mess unaccepted by the patricians in "the north," branded forever as "socially disadantaged."so what do i know? paul gervaise de bédée: it is interesting to read that italians disdain knives when eating a salad. would that we all had such thoughtful hostesses as to be assured that our lettuce leaves were always so appropriately sized as your informative friend suggested.poppy: reggie admits that he doesn't, to the best of his knowledge, possess butter knives, at least of the kind shown in the diagram featured in his essay. he does have a plethora of small multipurpose knives, as shown in the third photograph, that he uses for a variety of purposes. as far as the square object shown below the plates goes, it is a placemat from a set that i bought many years ago at the army and navy in london, and is of the scale favored for such things in england: smaller than what we are accustomed to on this side of the pond. thank you for asking.anon 4:38: yes, the volume of comments here is rather astonishing, isn't it? to answer your question, think of using a fork and spoon to consume one's dessert as somewhat akin to using a whisk broom and dustpan to gather up one's sweeping  it aids the task of getting as much into the dustpan (mouth) as possible! alternately, it is like using a fork and a knife (in the continental style) where the spoon acts as both a shovel (as you delightfully put it) and a knife.dear flo: there can only be one of you, for they broke the mold when they graced us with your presence. and believe me, i think you know a lot! dear reggie, of course you are absolutely spot on about the dessert spoon and fork. i always give people both and a fork for cake xx darling reggie: loved the post so much we commented twice... to tell you we linked to this in our current wednesday etiquette. http://lucindaville.blogspot.com/2011/06/etiquette wednesday.html who knew a dessert spoon could cause so much activity. there's also a great difference between a teaspoon and a coffee spoon. teaspoons are smaller than what we call teaspoons, which are, in reality, coffee spoons.just saying. no. that's a dessert spoon. just a few remarks:1. the soup spoon should be rounded, not elongated, as dessert and tablespoons are. it is almost impossisble to find proper soup spoons in the usa.2. the tablespoon is not the same as the dessert spoon. in europe, the tablespoon is much bigger than the dessert spoon and would be uncomfortable to fit into a normal human mouth (hence many recipe catastrophes when using the us "tablespoon" measure). tablespoons are used as serving spoons.but i do agree with you than many, in fact most people seem unable to grasp the basic skills of using cutlery (silverware) properly. one of my pet hates is seeing people holding a knife like they would hold a pen. reggie,this was a very enjoyable post. maybe you can help me discern the proper use of my gorham old french spoons, which i recently acquired.i have 7" spoons with oval bowls that come to a slight tip/point and 7 and 1/2" spoons with large oval bowls...which one is for soup and which one is for dessert? thank you!michelle unfortunatelly dear, the average person, average salary, average place to eat, does not even know that dessert knife, fork and spoon even exist, much less would they know to distinguish what is in fron of them. like someone said above the 60's generation still has its effect these days. my parents were 70's kids and my grandparents were very strict about etiquette and maners in general. so my sisters and i hit the jackpot, no fuss about what you mention here. let me tell you about our experience in college: some of our college friends, less fortunate than my sisters and myself, asked us to go shopping with them so they could have their flatware complete like ours. it came as a surprise to us (sisters and me) that the average store sell settings that only include the very basic: dinner knife, spoon and fork; salad fork and teaspoon. that's it. we asked the salespeople about dessert fork and spoon? seafood fork? demi spoons? we were looked at like we just descended from mars!it would be nice the american manufacturers of flatware either included the "extra" utensils or sold them as set at reasonable prices like they do with most stainless steel sets. after all, we noticed, most people do favor stainless steel and then we americans wouldn't be seen by foreigners like we are all hillbillies;) please do comment! i welcome and encourage them, and enjoy the dialogue.

i’m sharing my 3 top tips on how to keep sweets in your house without overeating them. if you ever feel like you can’t keep sweets in your house without eating them all, you’re not alone! (i was once there myself!) i’m going to show you how to keep sweets in your house and enjoy them instead of depriving yourself. one of the most common sentiments i hear from clients and nutrition training program students when we first begin working together is… whether “[insert your favorite food]” is cake, cookies, potato chips, ice cream, candy, or any of the other zillions of foods out there, if you’ve ever thought this, you’re not alone! and i’ll go ahead and share that i once had the same belief and wouldn’t keep crackers, pretzels, chocolate, and cookies in my pantry. and once upon a time told my clients to just keep their “overdo it foods” out of the house too. (*smacks self in face*) as i’ve refined my nutrition practice over the years and continue to learn more about the science behind willpower and temptation of food, i’ve learned that keeping sweets out of the house just isn’t how it works for a long term, sustainable healthy relationship with food or your body. sure, you can keep sweets out of the house for a month or two. you may even forget about them and it’s not a big deal. but then what happens when halloween rolls around and you have an excess of mini candies from your kids’ trick or treating? or you go to a party and there’s a big bowl of your favorite crispy tortilla chips next to the guac and salsa? you can pretty much smell the salty crunch! my guess is that if you’re reading this the answer is a big fat yes. and you’re not alone because guess what   this is life! life includes fun foods… and it should! and you should be able to feel confident and in control around these foods. i know from first hand experience that it doesn’t feel good to feel like you have to eat it all now before your favorite food is “off limits” again. carly and i started working together because she was feeling so exhausted and was tired of jumping from one diet to another. she had recently gained a few pounds, and wasn’t happy about it, but really she wanted to learn a sustainable way of eating so she didn’t have to count macros or calories. carly was so over my fitness pal. carly was a salty snacker. potato chips, pretzels, goldfish, tortilla chips and salsa were all her favorites… but she didn’t keep any of them in the house. every once in a while she would buy them for her kids, but would’t allow herself to eat them at snack time. after a long day with her kids, she would finish the rest of the bag in on sitting. and feel kinda gross after. she felt guilty because she kept telling herself she wouldn’t do that anymore! (ugh, i know how this feels because i’ve been there too, girl!) carly loves mexican food and she always followed the go to diet tip of “ordering crudités instead of chips with the salsa and guacamole.” and she would devour her crudités, only to have the basket of warm, salty, crispy, homemade tortilla chips staring her in the face. everyone else was chowing down, so eventually her willpower would crumble… so carly would take a few chips from the basket and put them on her plate telling herself “i’ll only eat these few.” (if you’ve ever been there, like me, i know you’re thinking “yeah right!” too!) and that small handful turns into another here and there… and the waiter seamlessly brings over a refill without carly even noticing until she felt uncomfortably full. and then she would tell me that she wasn’t even hungry for her entree that she ordered! every time carly left a mexican restaurant, she felt like she had to unbutton her jeans and roll home. even worse, she felt guilty for “throwing in the towel” on her progress. personally, i could so relate to carly when she was telling me this story because this was my experience too. i would never keep “bad” foods in the house because it was all or nothing. but then when i went out and encountered my favorites, i couldn’t just have enough to feel satisfied. i would over do it, feel disgustingly full, and guilty. ugh! i would vow to never eating the chips or candy again. i work on keeping favorite foods in the homes of all of my clients. because if you want a cookie, i truly believe you should have a cookie! and today i’m going to share my top 3 tips with you on how to keep sweets in your house without overeating them. you don’t need to rely on willpower. and you don’t need to resist all temptation. awareness is key and the first step to co existing in your home with your favorite, more indulgent foods. and it can be more than one of these factors or something else altogether. if you don’t trust that you can have a single serving, explore the why behind it. remember the cute guy in your class who wouldn’t give you the time of day? you soooo wanted to talk to him and for him to ask you out. ahhh he’s so dreamy! but once he did start talking to you all of the time and was too available, you didn’t have the chase anymore so getting his attention wasn’t as interesting. essentially, you wanted what you couldn’t have. the same thing happens with food! instead, give yourself permission to eat your favorite foods whenever, wherever you want them… including your home! that’s right… i want you to bring your favorite indulgent foods into your home. and i want you to give yourself permission to eat them. so many times i have clients tell me that they only keep dark chocolate or stevia sweetened chocolate chips in the house for when they “have to have something.” that’s great… but a lot of times my clients don’t even love dark chocolate and would much rather eat milk chocolate. the more you keep milk chocolate in your house and give yourself permission to eat it (see #2), the less you’ll feel like you have to eat it all. the more you serve yourself ice cream as snack when you’re really in the mood, the less likely you’ll feel compelled to devour the entire pint. the more you include chips as part of your meal, the less you’ll feel like you have to eat the entire jumbo bag. it sounds counter intuitive, but it’s called habituation. habituation is what happens as you’re repeatedly exposed to a food. the novelty wears off. you don’t want what you can’t have as much. first of all, make sure you like it as much as you think you do. you may buy a package of oreos and find out they taste artificial to you and you’d much prefer a chocolate chip cookie. or you may love it as much as you think you do   they’re both 100% ok! second, serve yourself a portion of your favorite indulgent food daily for at least 5 days. you can go back and have another portion if you’d like. how does it feel eating it on day 1? it make take a few servings to feel satisfied. by day 5, it may take less of the same food to feel totally and completely satisfied. third, continue to work through your favorite foods one by one so you know you can eat them at any time. now since i’ve been doing this work for some time, i know what you may be thinking… i promise you, that’s not going to happen. you may eat more indulgent foods at first, but over time you will find a balance. your body will naturally craving foods with other nutrients, like proteins, healthy fats, fruit, and yes, vegetables! if this totally seems like something you don’t want to try on your own, i’m here for you! get on the waitlist for the nutrition training program or schedule a free consultation so i can help you take the first step. i’m here for you! xo chelsey amer nutrition contains advertisements and affiliate links, which help support my blog. if you click on an affiliate link and make a purchase, i may make a commission from that purchase. i promise to only use affiliates for products that i honestly use and genuinely love and fit with the vision of my brand. thank you! xo

manage your account (photo: the_burtons via getty images) after every great dinner with friends or family, a difficult moment arises. the pie or cake arrives on the table, resplendent. but having just gorged on the meal, i can’t enjoy dessert. what’s a sweets lover to do? we put this highly scientific question to a panel of registered dietitians to figure out when’s the best time to eat and enjoy dessert and whether there’s an ideal time to wait to check in on your hunger cues. in my unqualified opinion, it’s always the ideal time for dessert, but our experts said otherwise. earlier in the day may be best for digestion, according to sue ellen anderson haynes, a registered dietitian and founder of 360 girls & women. in fact, an after dinner treat could contribute to acid reflux, heartburn, upset stomach or just poor sleep when enjoyed too close to bedtime. “it takes about one to two hours to digest carbohydrates (bread, pasta, crackers),” anderson haynes told huffpost. “if you add more components such as protein and fat, you increase digestion time. most desserts contain high amounts of fat and carbs (added sugar, flour, etc.).” dessert is part of celebrations, enjoyment and pure pleasure, so if you feel like eating it later in the day or evening, that’s fine too, according to registered dietitian alissa rumsey. “you can eat dessert any time of day that you want,” rumsey said. “if you’re tuning in to your body to help determine what you want to eat and it’s hungry for dessert ― have the dessert! oftentimes people restrict dessert or sweets during the day, even if they’re craving them, which can lead to them feeling out of control around sweets later in the day.” meaning: enjoy dessert if you feel like it! kimberley rose francis, a registered dietitian nutritionist, explained that it’s better to have the sweet than obsess over it for both your mental and physical well being. “depriving yourself may lead to overindulgence and then psychological guilt later on,” rose francis said. “a recent 2020 research article concluded that ‘anticipating indulgent food, such as dessert, can change healthy food preferences for immediate consumption.’” if you’ve ever been told to wait before you take another portion or have dessert, there is a research backed reason: it takes about 20 minutes for the brain to register fullness. “it can take time for your stomach to communicate with our brains that you are physically full, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t eat dessert right after a meal,” rumsey said. “however, if you frequently find that you’re finishing dessert and then feeling uncomfortably full afterward, you could try experimenting with waiting 10 or 15 minutes and see how that feels.” it could benefit you to eat the cookie if you're craving it earlier in the day, rather than wait until bedtime. (photo: kieran stone via getty images) try eating slowly and mindfully, skip electronic distractions and enjoy your meal at the table. rose francis suggested: “as a best practice, employ mindful eating tactics: one, chew your food slowly; two, chew your food thoroughly; and three, check in with your body to see what information it is giving you. taking these steps will let you know if you have the desire and/or room for dessert.” even if you wait 20 minutes and feel full, the often cited “dessert stomach” may have extra room. this so called second stomach is more mental than physical, but that doesn’t make it less real. “there are two pathways that control our food intake,” rose francis explained. “the first pathway is the homeostasis pathway, which motivates us to eat when we are truly hungry. the second pathway controlling our food intake is the hedonic pathway.” that means eating food isn’t just for nourishment but for pleasure, as well. “just because you’re physically full doesn’t mean that you’re necessarily done eating,” rumsey explained. “meals and snacks need to also be satisfying for us to feel ‘done’ eating.” a balance of the three main macronutrients   carbs, protein and fat   can help ensure a sense of satiety. according to rumsey, an after dinner pantry search for your favorite cookie or chocolate could indicate that your meal wasn’t satisfying. sticking to a restrictive or boring diet could be the cause. “if you’re often feeling uncomfortably full after having dessert, make a note of it and check in: did you eat enough earlier in the day and for the last several days? have you been restricting sweets or desserts? were the foods you ate earlier in the day satisfying? are you eating enough carbohydrates?” she explained. if thoughts or feelings of shame, guilt or judgment come up, that can also take away from the enjoyment and satisfaction that you may get from dessert. if you enjoy having something sweet after you meals (even when you’re full), you should know that’s ok. this article originally appeared on huffpost and has been updated. 10 surprising foods you should never cook on a grill 5 smart ways to save money when you order your next iced coffee the best milk and worst kinds of milk for lattes, according to baristas

log in now to create your own recipe book: homearticlesetiquette guide: how to navigate dessert & coffee at a formal dinner formal dinners can be harrowing for newbies. follow these simple etiquette rules that go a long way in easing any dining experience. formal dinners can be harrowing for newbies. follow these simple etiquette rules that go a long way in easing any dining experience. dessert and coffee are the culminating courses of most formal dinners, marking a satisfying conclusion to the meal. navigating the etiquette surrounding these elements contributes significantly to the overall dining experience but it can certainly be challenging. here is a comprehensive guide to help anyone navigate dessert and coffee at a formal dinner. dessert is more often served after the main course has been enjoyed and the plates have been cleared. don’t forget to wait until everyone at the table has finished their main course before starting on your dessert. although the dessert is a much anticipated component of a complete dining experience, it is important to make sure that all guests are finished and prepared for dessert before it's served, especially if you’re the host. the napkin must be placed on your lap and used to lightly blot your lips before dessert arrives and while eating if necessary. the napkin also serves as a barrier between the food and your clothes in case you spill anything. if you need to leave the table for a brief moment before dessert is served, the napkin must be placed neatly on the chair. when dessert is served, the utensils will most likely be arranged for you. if not, the host will lead you or you can use the utensils farthest from the plate and move inward. in the dessert is a cake or pie, you must use both the fork and knife. for smaller desserts like pastries or fruit, use the utensils provided to you or your fingers if appropriate (e.g., for cookies or small fruits). it is also equally important to engage all your fellow dinner guests in light conversation while enjoying the treats. it's the perfect time for socializing, an appropriate way to conclude a dinner on a pleasant note. keep the conversation pleasant and it is customary to avoid discussing controversial topics. enjoying your dessert at a moderate pace allows you to savor each bite, but also avoid finishing significantly earlier or later than your fellow diners as it leaves you to awkwardly wait or keep the party waiting. coffee is often served following dessert, along with or shortly after the dessert plates have been cleared. depending on the host’s preference, it can also be served simultaneously with dessert. coffee is typically served in a cup and saucer and placed in front of you. if cream, sugar, or other accompaniments are provided, you can add them according to your taste. stir gently with the spoon provided, avoiding clinking against the cup's sides as this is considered irritating to those around you. the coffee cup must be held by the handle with your thumb and index finger. it is considered inappropriate to hold the cup with your pinky extended; instead, place your pinky alongside your other fingers or lightly rest it on the cup's handle. take small, soft sips of coffee rather than large, impolite gulps. try to avoid blowing on the coffee to cool it down; instead, wait for it to reach a drinkable temperature naturally. you can further this along by gently swirling the coffee without spilling. coffee often marks the conclusion of the meal. this is the apt time to stir up some final conversations, thank your host, and express gratitude for the dinner and the lovely time you’ve had. it is considered rude to check your phone or engage in other distracting activities. try to pay attention to the conversation at hand, or introduce your own set of topics that might interest the dinner crowd. generally, it is advisable to pay attention to your host or the senior person at the table for cues on when to start dessert and coffee. paying attention to your fellow guests can also help you conduct yourself. formal dinner prioritizes moderation. there’s no reason to rush through dessert or coffee; enjoy them at a leisurely pace and keep up with your fellow guests. thanking your host for the meal and conveying compliments to the chef for the dessert or coffee, in particular, is absolutely necessary. you must also remember to thank your fellow guests for their company. to avoid causing any inconvenience to your host, you must inform them beforehand of any dietary restrictions or allergies you might have. this gives them the time and resources to accommodate your needs without limiting others’ dining experience. if you master this simple etiquette guide for dessert and coffee at a formal dinner, it is bound to enhance your dining experience twofold. observe these guidelines and navigate the final courses with grace, and don't forget to contribute positively to the overall ambiance of the meal. © 2024 mondelez international   all rights reserved add desserts corner to your home screen, for easy access.

search: i’m also a neuroscience ph.d, author, former dieter and proud foodist. summer tomato teaches you how to get healthy and lose weight without dieting. because life should be awesome. photo by e.baron cutting processed foods and refined sugars out of your diet is arguably the most important dietary change you can make to improve health and lose weight. but will one slice of birthday cake inevitably tighten your pants and cut your life short? not necessarily. quality of life is hard to measure, but it certainly involves some balance between good health and hedonistic enjoyment of things that might not be perfectly healthy. the question is how we find this balance for ourselves, and how do we make sure our behavior helps us keep that balance? the answer, of course, will be different for everyone. competitive athletes have higher physical demands for maintaining ideal health than, say, a scientist. and i’m not a fan of watering down my favorite foods especially desserts with “healthier” ingredients. but there are a few general guidelines that can help the majority of us live a little without constantly fighting the battle of the bulge. 1. eat dessert once per week or less as a general rule i try to keep my dessert consumption to once per week or less (it is often less). a larger person may be able to get away with a bit more, but setting a weekly maximum can help you keep tabs on your sugar consumption. if you are actively trying to lose weight, aiming for once every two weeks or less is ideal. sugar is problematic for several reasons. most of you probably realize by now that excess sugar causes rapid blood sugar and insulin spikes that force extra calories to be stored as fat. over time these spikes will alter your sensitivity to insulin, negatively impacting your metabolism and risk of type 2 diabetes. extra insulin signaling is also associated with heart disease, high blood pressure and accelerated aging. the less refined sugar you eat the better, but assuming most of us aren’t willing to give it up completely it is helpful to have a weekly maximum to keep consumption in a reasonable range. 2. pick your occasions once you decide to budget your sugar consumption, it is time to start choosing your priorities. is your weekly group meeting at the office (the one where there’s always doughnuts) really a special occasion? in other words, is that stale chocolate doughnut you wolf down while half asleep really worth the extra workout or skipping dessert with your kids this weekend? probably not. if you think about it, there’s a good chance you don’t even enjoy that doughnut as much as you assume you do. and we both know you’ll feel horrible after eating it anyway. so why do you believe that you want it? when you stop and really think about your food choices, you’ll often find that many of them come from conditioning rather than true preference. but just because 12 year old you liked low quality sweets doesn’t mean the adult you has to continue eating them. save desserts for the times that are really worth it, and realize you aren’t missing much by skipping the costco brownie bites. 3. don’t eat dessert alone special occasions are moments of celebration you share with people you care about. one of the wonderful things about life is these moments happen all the time. our weeks and months are perpetually marked by birthdays, weddings, promotions, vacations and a million other reasons to celebrate. use these special times as cues for when to indulge. on the other hand, there is nothing particularly special about sitting alone on your couch watching tv. try to get out of the habit of eating dessert alone, especially if this is something you rely on for comfort. if you just want something sweet, try having a piece of fruit or some herbal tea instead. i recommend not keeping any pre made desserts in the house at all. why torture yourself? 4. know dessert when you see it if you’re eating dessert several times a day but only think you are eating it once or twice per week, none of these rules are going to help you maintain your health and physique. i’ve written before about the hidden sugars in common foods such as sandwiches, salads and fruit yogurts. there are clearly benefits to eating a salad, but syrupy dressings contribute to your sugar intake whether there is lettuce around or not. overly sweet non dessert foods make it more difficult for you to enjoy real indulgences without consequences. be aware of the sugar content in the foods you eat and actively try to minimize it in the bulk of your diet (i.e. choose sandwiches without teriyaki or bbq sauce, salads with savory (not sweet) dressing, cocktails without juice or syrup, and plain yogurt). if you’re eating healthy and minimizing sugar 90+% of the time, your waist will hardly notice the occasional birthday cupcake. 5. little indulgences count just as you cannot ignore the 27 grams of sugar in yoplait yogurt, you can’t grab 2 or 3 pieces of candy every afternoon from the bowl in the office without it adding up. be aware of the little cheats you make throughout the week and don’t kid yourself about their impact. if you decide that the work day is just too hard to get through without these, that’s fine. but you aren’t doing yourself any favors by pretending they don’t exist. remember to count them in your mental dessert tally and keep it in mind when you’re looking lustfully at your grandma’s homemade apple pie and wishing you hadn’t had so much sugar this week. 6. choose quality over quantity if your goal is to limit your sweets but you don’t want to feel like you’re missing out, make sure your choices emphasize quality over quantity. a few bites of good quality dark chocolate is infinitely more satisfying than a handful of hershey’s kisses. desserts can rack up 25 50 calories per bite. get the most bang for your buck by picking foods with actual flavor and not just extra sugar and salt. hint: this tip should also help you stick to tips #2 and #5. 7. go splitsies half a dessert is 100% better for you than a whole dessert. if you really really want to try one of those cookies your co worker has been bragging about for months but have already had your ice cream this week, try taking only half of one. better yet, find someone to split it with you so you aren’t tempted to finish it. if it’s that good, a few bites should be plenty satisfying. 8. resist peer pressure some people take a special pleasure in encouraging others to do things they know are bad for them. these people also tend to be good at recruiting others to join in their banter. be prepared to get nagged occasionally for not wanting to eat foods that aren’t worth it. but if you have decided in advance to stick to desserts you know taste better than what your friends are pushing, it really isn’t that hard to ignore them. who’s really missing out here? 9. use the gym despite our best efforts, we all eat too much dessert every now and then. this isn’t good, but it isn’t the end of the world either. when this happens to me i use it as an opportunity to amp up my workout routine. by far my best runs are on days when we have birthday cake in lab i feel like i can run for days with all my extra energy. your muscles use sugar as fuel, so use it up while you can and give your metabolism a little boost (having a little extra blood sugar and insulin around when you’re exercising can actually improve your metabolism) and prevent those spare calories from being stored as fat. you’ll probably feel better after working it off too. how do you deal with dessert in your healthstyle? originally published march 31, 2010 δdocument.getelementbyid( "ak_js_1" ).setattribute( "value", ( new date() ).gettime() ); i will agree with jeff garlin (on what he said on real time with bill maher). if you been fat you should keep it aa style. because most fat people (i know) can’t keep up with your advice imo. great article. lots of good advice. i try to only eat dessert when i bake it myself (or at a friends party). and i always half the batch! i am so down on sugar, its definitely the most important things to keep an eye on in our diets. you can make some great deserts with simply baked fruit. we always keep 88% cacao dark chocolate in the cupboard   a square barely contains any sugar and is very heart healthy. we don’t keep any dessert food at home (beyond fruits, which we’ll sometimes make into smoothies with almond or soy milk). my work is a different story. our kitchen is stocked with chocolates and candies and there’s always some sort of sweet baked something up for grabs. people frequently come in with donuts or coffee cake or cupcakes. i’m trying to stick with the rule that i’ll only eat it if it’s homemade, and if possible the tiniest piece i can eat. i also force myself to throw it away if it’s not amazingly good. if after 2 bites i’m not floored by its awesomeness, it goes in the trash before i can ask myself if i want a 3rd. i love that last point, and i definitely do the same thing. great work!! i also love that last point as i do the same thing. in an attempt to not be “that” girl in the office that always says no to homemade baked goods, i will always take one, have a bite and take the rest home to my bf. this works for me because most of the time, i just want a taste. i just did this today! was two bites into flan at lunch and decided that was more than enough. free sweets at work is killer though! i didn’t grow up eating desserts and i don’t enjoy them very often. a lot of dessert foods are just too darned sweet for me and don’t have enough real flavor. i did have a doughnut about a month ago that i absolutely savored but that was the first doughnut i’ve eaten in about 2 years and it was a mother’s day gift from a friend (and from a special bakery). i’ve never fed dessert to my children either and they’ve never missed it or asked for it. sometimes we have fruit as a side dish or a treat. about once a year i make brownies or cookies and that’s about it. we don’t drink soda either because i only had it on friday nights growing up and don’t even like it now. my kids get it when they are with their dad who thinks every home should have a case or two of soda in the fridge. all of that sweet stuff is so foreign to me and i hope it will continue to be for my children and their families. unfortunately, i am slightly overweight, according to my bmi. my mom always hid potato chips, potato sticks and other crunchy snacks and when i would find them i would devour them right there, even if i had to climb up cupboards to get them. i swear it was because she hid them. i still crave crunchy, salty snacks and have a difficult time staying away from them. lately, when i really feel like i need something (definitely emotional eating), i’ll eat it in place of a meal and then have some fresh veggie juice to amp up the vits and mins. what do you qualify as dessert? i eat a few squares of dark chocolate every night after dinner..and often splurge on the weekends with what i consider a ‘full blown’ dessert. i’m at the gym every week, and i feel like the dark chocolate isn’t really a serious dessert. what are your thoughts, darya? well if you aren’t gaining weight whatever you’re doing is fine 🙂 as for dessert, i generally use the 15 g of sugar per serving rule that i mentioned in last week’s sugar post. dark chocolate has other benefits too. unless you’re looking to lose weight, your healthstyle seems great to me! my question would be how to handle not eating dessert at special occasions. i do not usually like cake but whenever i’m at a birthday party or wedding, i feel very rude when i’m the only one who declined a slice and am standing there empty handed while everyone else enjoying it and commenting on how good it is. should i just eat the cake? lol, great question! i totally know what you mean, especially when the cakes are gross. i always take a slice (asking for a small one, of course). then i just hold it. maybe take one or two bites. then when most people are done i toss it out when everyone else is dumping their plates or when the waiters are cleaning up. no one notices. haha, that sounds like a good strategy. i’ll try it out next time. i do that too. they’re usually grocery store cakes and they are terrible. out of sight, out of mind. there are currently three boxes of thin mints in our freezer (i did not buy them). but they are at the back and hidden by cabbage and other frozen oddities. basically, it takes way too much effort to get to them. hi darya! you said… “your muscles use sugar as fuel, so use it up while you can and give your metabolism a little boost and prevent those spare calories from being stored as fat.” i’ve known this for a while, and when i feel i’ve indulged a little too much i’ll make it a point to go run before the sugar turns to fat. my question is…how long do i have?!? if i ate too much ice cream before bed, does getting up 6 hours later and running in the morning benefit, or did those calories already turn to fat? the time before the fuel converts to fat will be different for everybody, depending on your metabolism. but it sounds to me like you’re thinking about this wrong. you shouldn’t be counting on exercise to justify eating too much ice cream before bed. develop a healthy relationship with food/dessert/exercise and you don’t have to worry about this kind of thing. thanks darya   yes, i do understand having a healthy relationship with food. i’m actually a very very clean eater…but when i do accidently feel i’ve slipped up (maybe 1x month) i’d still like to have a better understanding of what i can do to remedy the situation. can you give me a loose timeframe? right now i’m not sure if this process happens over 2 hours, or 10 hours lol. thanks! i’m also sticking to the once per week rule. but if there’s this special dessert at home i’m not like “if you eat it, you’re bad..” instead i tend to eat as a treat to myself because i know the next days (or weeks) are going to be normal again and i’m just fine! it’s working out pretty well! i am in the middle of a year long bike tour. if i have a chance, i’ll have dessert every day, and i don’t generally go for small quantities. i also typically work out for five to seven hours every day. i’m losing weight and feeling good. i’m not sure it’s the best way to eat to maintain optimal health, but it does seem to be working fairly well. i probably burn 3500 calories a day. is the advice to avoid sweets still applicable to me? i know i’ll have to make radical changes to my diet when i return from this trip, but i’d love to know what folks think i should be eating now. even without weight gain sugar consumption has many potential dangers, including accelerated aging, cancer, osteoporosis and other problems. if you need more calories, i recommend focusing on natural, unprocessed sources of fat, protein and carbohydrate. i’m losing weight even though i’m still eating dessert 3 4 times a week because i was eating 3 4 desserts a day. i did do a sugar fast at first, but twice a week was just more than i’ve been able to hold it too. i have made some other healthstyle changes  increased water and tea, reduced portion sizes, and eliminated most processed foods and non  intact whole grains (still have some pasta and bread occasionally). instead of the daily afternoon search for something sweet at work i now have 1/4 cup of almonds. i now think (as i look around) and consider how much food that we don’t think of as dessert that should count (aka yoplait and szechuan salad and soda) that probably most americans could dramatically improve their health and lose weight and still eat dessert several times a week. because several times a week is still much, much less than what most people do. great points, thanks for sharing! or instead of going to the gym, go jog outside! it increases your feeling of being connected to nature, which will probably reduce the desire for crappy food (my observation). very nice tips list! thank you for writing it. :  ) from my experience: 1. oh, that’s the tough one. someone used to have sugary treats everyday will pass through hell to lose the habit (and crawling on the walls, like the bat demon version of dracula in the coppola movie… :  ) … but, there are options   as also mentioned in the article   smaller portions, for a start; or try some yogurt&wheatgerm (it’s sweetish) + sprinkle some fruit/dried fruit; or dried fruits &nuts (i wouldn’t advocate only dried fruits   they are too sugary); or a slice of slow risen wholemeal bread&few dried fruits… and always chew every bit longer   like enjoying all the flavors (adding some cinnamon / vanilla seeds will soothe the nose too)… or the sugars free options: breath in , drink a glass of water and ask yourself why exactly you need that sugar fix; even have a walk outside. 2. true. also i think that always being stressed of what to do at special occasions adds to the general stress and will trick your body into actually storing more fats than if you’d be relaxed. if it’s a meal   try to eat during it as few as possible sauces, refined flours and more fibers …and the dessert   either ask for a small portion, or keep chewing a mouthful for longer, and wait for the others to wolf down their portions, then put down the rest, since everybody else finished. :  ) 3. well, the ads on tv say something totally different. 4. that’s very depressing. especially when relying on the lunch being provided by the food shop inside an institution … 5. little indulgences mean that for around 30 minutes you might be very chirpy&alert, afterwards the gloom comes. 6. very much agree. i buy 100% chocolate and can’t go beyond one square . also they don’t fit too well after many meals , so it’s not exactly the right dessert. and very pricey (stored in a tight closed box keep for long, so you won’t feel compelled to finish it soon) 7. well, when the other one wants something else it’s a bit difficult : o) 8. hm, another tough one. especially those little teasers which feel good only when bullying (it’s bullying, right? ) others about food choices. 9. ……. agree (as far as i know the body has enough storing of glycogen that you won’t be let down during a gym session   but it’s important the rhythm, and the weight : start at a low pace, and increase in time, otherwise you’ll feel drained and think a juice/ “energy” drink will fix it   and all you need is just some natural water) also, regarding the sugar cravings & health issues, i also found interesting the theory that c.albicans&other strains might have a part in here; now, i know there is a whole debate (or maybe war? because indeed haste & poor documentation played a huge role in the mess) on whether this fungus that lives in our intestines has such a tremendous part in making us sick as some portraits, but it definitely has some secrets. as somebody with some annoying symptoms relieved after a so called “anti candida diet”, it really made me take a better look at what i eat and how. hi darya! i’m a 15 year old teen and have been super thin all my life, but lately i’m gaining weight 🙁 i never watched what i ate and suddenly the junk i had no problem eating before is taking its toll! my (also very thin) mother buys ice cream, cookies, candy…..and it’s hard to resist it, especially when eating it does nothing to her and i’m used to junk food. so i’ll eat healthy all day then eat a few bites of ice cream or some brownies. is this bad if it happens every day? it’s more like one dessert a day for me instead of once a week, but i just can’t diet! is there any way to be healthy&thin yet continue eating sweets? i exercise and eat healthy meals, but i can’t resist the sweets, and trying to restrict just makes me eat more. one part of me wants to cut off sugar to keep my sleek physique, but the other wants to just be a kid& enjoy life. is it normal at this age to just want to indulge and not think twice? you’re young so eating healthy most of the time is fine for you. but the sweets ever starts making you unhappy you know what to do. enjoy that metabolism while it lasts, you won’t like what happens when you hit 25! 😉 hey jade! i’m eighteen years old and i’ve struggled with weight all my life. when i was fifteen, i weighed 210 pounds. i lost sixty pounds (putting me at 150), but never achieved my dream weight. even though i was watching what i ate, i gradually gained it back until i was at 185. now i’m trying to lose it again and i’ve gotten down to 177. i haven’t been careless. i don’t drink soda. i hardly eat sweets, except on occasions. i hate having to be on this up and down path all the time. i can never keep a wardrobe because i’m never the same size. i don’t like swimming, or ordering in public, and i loathe shopping for clothes. it drains my confidence and happiness. please take it from me start good eating habits now. don’t start when you’re twenty five. don’t start when it’s too late. indulge when it’s appropriate. i’m not saying you should never eat a brownie or kfc. i’m saying that you won’t be a “kid just enjoying life” forever. i’m starting college in the fall, and i really hope i’m not 200 pounds when i do. i used to enjoy fast food until i saw the movies and videos about them and now the food truely grosses me out. chemical sandwich of years old meat that was made by abusing animals. see food inc. and super size me. now i need to do some reasesrch on processed foods. especially sugar ones…. hahahahaha. dessert once a week? this makes me feel so unhealthy. dessert only once a day is like a record for me. i’m 16, and in my experienceand for people with high metabolisms, especially younger people, positive is always, always better than negative, that is, adding things like working out every day will be much more effective than trying to cut out things like totally pigging out on junk food all te time. especially because kids should enjoy food while they can. yeah, definitely enjoy it while it lasts! at around 25 everything changes 😉 sorry i do not agree with you. your thoughts on food and exercise could lead to sabatoge. exercise should not be used as a weapon to get rid of calories. it should be a way to have fun and feel good. it should never be a punishment. dessert can be eaten everyday if desired. i am thin and eat dessert daily. the more you tell yourself you can’t have something the more you want it. you should look into intuitive eating. i agree, excercise should be a healthy fun physical activity. however, many people can not handle sugar. if you can eat it every day, good for you. but if you have the body type that can’t handle it and /or is addicted to it, it is very bad for you. 10. redefine dessert! the root of the word is french, desservir. it means to clear the table. in britain dessert is synonymous with sliced fruit after the main course. finish a meal like a european with grapes and/or a sliver of fine cheese. “let them(the underclass) eat cake”. parisians do not seek out low fat food but are relatively fat free due to their culinary habits. americans have grown accustomed to texas sized portions of processed sugar, flour and cream. it is an excess of our society that is self evident in the rampant obesity. if you must have that favorite pastry, don’t eat it late at night after a big dinner. take it home and eat it with your coffee the next morning. you will enjoy it more and have all day to burn it off rather than sleep on it. really? i lived in britain for the past 14 years, and was never once offered fruit at the end of the meal. nope, they go in for ‘puddings’ mostly sickly sweet concoctions that probably have more calories than the main course. then there’s the infamous christmas pudding that reminds me more of a canon ball than anything you’d want to eat after a big meal. i have always done better having dessert rather than avoiding it. i have always felt that it helps to digest the main meal i have just eaten. when i have dessert i do not feel bloated and the sugar in it never bothers me. it seems when i start crazy analyzation and skip things i usually have eaten in the past (dessert for one) that i gain weight. 3. don’t eat dessert alone. um. well. my diet strategy is to never eat sugar with other people, but i’m single and eat alone most of the time. i’d rephrase this as eat dessert on special occasions only. i make junk food coupons every new years day for 3 splurges per month. when the coupons are gone, no more sugar or white starch during that month. spending a coupon on one stale donut is real waste; high end treats are much more satisfying. interesting. i use the card tactic for drinking and it works well. why do you confuse the word “dessert” with unhealthy foods? i think suggesting people not to have dessert at all is completely wrong. it’s just better finding very enjoyable but healthy desserts for daily, and take those not so healthy desserts once per week. but never say “do not have dessert”! there’s pretty sweet and healthy foods you can have after lunch and even dinner, on a daily basis. you just should avoid high fat and calory intakes. but an oven baked apple is just as sweet as any chocolate cake around, and still healthy to have on a daily basis. just do a little search… who said don’t eat dessert? the whole post is about eating dessert, just making better choices. there for example,among others: “1. eat dessert once per week or less as a general rule i try to keep my dessert consumption to once per week or less (it is often less). : )” my general rule is: try to keep your dessert consumption to at least once per day, do not avoid, just choose the healthiest ones. refraining for a whole week 1) is not healthy 2) will make you eat 3 times more next time you allow yourself 3) will make you more anxious for the rest of the day, while if your mind gets used not to eat anymore after certain desserts, you’ll feel less stressed about food. it’s ridiculous to say not eating dessert for a week is unhealthy. it may have a negative emotional or psychological impact for some people (you it seems), but it’s definitely not unhealthy biologically. like i said, different things work for different people. i rarely want dessert more than once a week. i rarely think about it really, but i eat fruit regularly and never deprive myself of anything i want. it works for me. but i’ve also noticed around holidays and things when dessert starts popping up as a more frequent option, i definitely notice the impact. thank you for this website it is very helpful to me. i was ready to stop eatting sugar all together  which i adore sugar  because of the potential to over eat it. but i do think i can eat one a week. i personally prefer to eat isugar n solitude, because if i am talking i miss out on the flavor and i do not like sharing something i have one a week : ) this is such a clever way to stay skinny. i have a terrible sweet tooth and knowing these tips will definitely help me stay fit ! thanks for the post! it’s genuinely interesting that anyone can believe that *not* eating dessert is somehow unhealthy. the truth is that dessert is unhealthy   sugar is not good for you. i think darya’s tips for managing dessert intake are really great, and appropriate. i’d even say eating dessert less than once a week would be good way to go, if you can manage it. because sugar is so addictive, having objective “rules” to follow that guide choices is really helpful. if you have a craving, you can say to yourself, “the rule is, i can’t have dessert unless it’s high quality and i’ve got company” it’s really an effective technique. also, the sweet cravings are only momentary, so the trick is to get passed them. one thing i do, which really helps me, is if i have a craving for some unhealthy food, i try to do some exercise e.g. do a set of push ups. i find the craving has disappeared by the end of the set. i suspect part of the reason it works is you force your brain to think of something else   in that case, concentrating on doing the push ups with slow, perfect form. the cool thing about that is it’s a kind of double benefit   not only did you not eat the garbage, you also got some positive benefit from a bit of extra exercise. thanks for the props. i actually realized after i replied to this dude that he’s a troll, so i spammed the rest of his asinine comments. ah, the internet. seriously sorry if was rude, but i am not a troll… maybe i was just having a bad moment and read too much stuff at the same tiime from people writing online, suggesting dangerous diets. but i did explain (in the deleted comment) that my intention wasn’t saying that not eating desserts is bad. just that suggesting that can be bad. it’s better suggesting doing healthy desserts and getting used to them, rather than avoiding them completely, and i think you’ll fully agree with that. anyway, if you still believe i am a troll, feel free to delete my comments. as you see i am just a daily follower. ah, ok   well at least that makes some sense! i was a total dessert fiend when i was younger. i didn’t eat the really crappy stuff but i love to bake and would crave a sweet after my lunch or dinner. however, after having a kid and knowing that children’s sugar intake need to be monitored, i slowly removed premade sweets from our pantry. also, having kids doesn’t allow for a budget with frequent bakery trips nor time to bake. we keep chocolate in the house for the adults to nibble during the week but since i am not a huge chocolate lover, i don’t eat much of it. i never thought i would be okay with having dessert just 1 2 times per week 8 years ago but so far, i find it is not that hard and i am greatful that i learned that i can do it. now that i am in my late 30s calories don’t burn off as fast as i need them to. our kids do get small portions of “treats” more than 1 time a week juice popsicles, animal crackers, plain yogurt with maple syrup as well as a whole family weekend splurge for ice cream or pastry. sometimes i do find time to bake but then we share with the neighbors or freeze the extras. so no one in our house feels deprived (except for the husband who is a huge chocolate lover but he has to ration the bar i get him at the store or he won’t have any at the end of the week). also treats are hardly served after a meal except for special dinners as this just sets them up for a pattern/addiction that clearly many adults have a hard time breaking. have to add: i totally agree with all your recommendations but i need to be better on top of the “little indulgences” like cookie samples at the bakery when i go get bread 😉 wow! i really love your blog. thanks for the tips, darya! i really need to work on #1! i have a terrible sweet tooth and crave sweet endings at each meal, except breakfast. at lunch, i typically eat fruit for dessert but dinner is a different story! since i love baking, what i do now is make my desserts instead of buying them so i know exactly what is in them. i also agree with #6! i am definitely very picky (and you have to be brutal about this if your office loves to celebrate everything and anything in between, with cakes no less!). 🙂 i think these are great tips but i’m 16 and i have gained weight 2 years ago but have been on a diet ever since and i really have tried to make the limit once a week but i just end up ruining how i look for the whole week plus feeling terrible and tired .. any tips ! 🙁 .. i think i could have more treats during the whole week so i don’t feel deprived or what do u think ???? help ! i think you need foodist. depriving yourself doesn’t work, and my book will teach you a better way to lose weight while feeling satisfied. good luck! that’s great thanks .. is it sold in arab countries !? but i also forgot to tell you that i have lost the weight ..any tips to have my treats till i find the book ? dig around in here: http://summertomato.com/category/weight control/ 🙂 i’m 16 and i play a lot of sports and am very active but desert is my weakness. i’m young so my metabolism is pretty good but i only eat desert about 2 times a week. i want to be able to satisfy my desert craving and only eat once a week at most but its hard. i have to do everything in my power to stay away from deserts. is there a way i can train my self to be satisfied with one desert a week at most and not crave it for a while? i think twice a week is reasonable for an active teenager. personally i was able to reduce sugar cravings in 2 ways: 1) cut down on sugar   it may seem counterintuitive but eating sugar makes sugar cravings worse. there is often sugar in things that aren’t desserts like salad dressing, teriyaki sauce, yogurt, coffee drinks, etc. i also recommend cutting down on sugar substitutes like in diet soda. 2) eat more slowly digesting carbohydrates   foods like beans, lentils and intact grains (think rice and oats, not whole wheat bread) can help cut sugar cravings too. is that right though? there are millions of people in the world who don’t have enough to eat and you’re throwing perfectly good cake in the bin. surely you could find a way to not eat it without wasting it? e.g. give it to someone else to eat. or you could just eat it  one slice of cake won’t make much difference to your weight. besides if you feel guilty about it, go for an extra run or have no desserts the next week to compensate. i think the waste already happened when real food was turned into a bad tasting desserts that aren’t worth the calories they are made from. there are plenty of cakes worth eating, those aren’t the ones i am talking about here. i was shown this by a friend with medication related weight issues, and all i can say is if you’re having trouble with your weight and aren’t happy with it then go to a fully qualified dietician. this author sounds like she’s promoting eating disorders. gym after extra cake   standard form or purging used by anorexics and bulimics. feeling guilty after making a choice to eat a dounut, slice of cake or half an apple, standard eating disorder. eating unconsciously and failing to enjoy the food, standard rat race. i choose what i eat and i have dessert and complex carbohydrates daily, and it helps my brain function, especially the sugars in fruit and milk and juices that give my brain the only fuel it can use   glucose! i eat all foods, nothing is bad, it’s just moderation and conscious eating…and compensating with exercise or restricting, well the eating disorders world is always looking for more members… you should poke around the blog a little more. i admitted wrote this particular post years ago before i was as good at explaining that i work out and eat healthy to feel better, because i love my body and don’t hate it. this site is about getting rid of guilt and shame of eating, not promoting it. hi, i love desserts and on my opinion they should not be avoided so strictly. if somebody has a craving, it is better to eat a little dessert instead of living unhappy and eat more of the items allowed in the current diet. sometimes we can eat a small dessert for meal. it is far better than living in misery. as a proof i see how all of my friends who eat sweets are skinny and happy. and all of the overweight people i know are always on a diet, never touching anything that may contain even 1 gram of carbs…staying slim is not achieved through avoiding desserts but through setting a habit to eat a small amount   no matter how healthy or low calorie the dish is. hi, darya! i’m curious about your advice not to eat dessert alone, an idea that i love in theory but it does not seem to apply to me right now. i agree that special occasions are about having company and being friends and/or family. i rarely need or want to eat dessert on such occasions, even the less special ones. i usually find social interaction to be so fulfilling and enjoyable that i could care less about cake, cookies, ice cream, etc. it’s probably been years since i’ve consumed dessert in a social setting. however, i do have an occasional (e.g. once every one or two weeks) desire for dessert. thanks to you, my taste buds have changed quite a bit and now the only kind of dessert that i can enjoy are a couple biscotti or one scone from a specific bakery i love. while i could substitute these items with a piece of fruit or herbal tea, i have been experimenting with simply satisfying the mood for dessert so that i don’t have to spend too much energy on fighting that mood. (i do plan on practicing your suggestion for “urge surfing” one of these days.) i’m curious to hear your thoughts on this. do you usually adhere to the guideline of consuming dessert in social situations? under what circumstances do you find yourself consuming dessert alone, and how do those experiences feel for you? nah. i eat dessert every day, or at least every other day. sometimes it’s just a little extra honey and jam on toast, other days it’s a milkshake and a slice of cake. i watch my calories. i make sure i eat plenty of fruits and veggies and i work out. i’m fit and healthy and life is too dang short to not eat dessert. name (required) mail (will not be published) (required) website want a picture next to your comment? click here to register your email address for a gravatar you can use on most websites. please be respectful. thoughtful critiques are welcome, but rudeness is not. please help keep this community awesome. δdocument.getelementbyid( "ak_js_2" ).setattribute( "value", ( new date() ).gettime() ); δdocument.getelementbyid( "ak_js_3" ).setattribute( "value", ( new date() ).gettime() ); type your email… continue reading

0345123 2399 customer support it’s part of being human to eat in response to our feelings. all kinds of emotions can compel us to eat, from unwanted moods such as frustration, anxiety, worry or feeling down, to positive emotions like excitement, celebration or anticipation. even neutral feelings such as boredom and apathy can be a cause to eat. in a world where we are often surrounded by food, eating can be a common response. there’s nothing wrong with using food to cope with feelings some of the time. food is great at regulating our emotional states, and it’s a strategy that has been around for as long as we have. food has never been just about fuel for the body. ever since you were a baby and were comforted by milk when you cried, food became a powerful symbol of feeling soothed and nurtured. is it any wonder then, that regardless of our shape and size, many of us impulsively reach for food as a way of coping with everyday emotions? from stress at work, to conflict in our relationships, most of us need comfort from time to time. this becomes a problem when we find ourselves in situations where we are experiencing feelings and, rather than identifying them, our brains give us the instruction to eat. this prevents us from normalising, expressing and managing our emotions. we tend to automatically listen to this instruction and eat   and often, eating does actually make us feel better. it can settle us and soothe distressing emotions. there's nothing wrong with this   sometimes, only food will do. but sometimes you may benefit from strategies to identify, express and manage your emotions, rather than dull them with food. when you start to understand where your emotions are coming from, you can begin to have a new conversation with yourself when you overeat. rather than saying unhelpful things like "i'm greedy" or "i'm out of control", you can figure out the deeper reason. for example, "i'm eating because i feel betrayed that my friend shared private information about me", or "i'm eating because i'm cross with myself for not finishing my work". once you’ve identified the real story behind the impulse to eat, what’s next? if someone else is causing your emotions, you may be able to express your feelings to them. sometimes this isn't possible though. for example, telling an unfair boss what you really think of them when they expect you to work overtime yet again might not be the best idea! so, what other ways are there to express unwanted emotions without resorting to overeating? figure your trigger some examples of this could be: ways to express your emotions in a risk free way could include: even if all you do for now is carry on eating, but successfully identify the reason why, you're making an important first step. emotional eating can have roots in early experiences, and you may need support to help identify the root cause. you can always seek support from your diabetes healthcare team, psychologist, counsellor or gp, who will be happy to help you. difficulties with emotional eating can be managed and getting support can be an important first step on your journey. sugar has become a staple ingredient of modern day eating, and everyone, with or without diabetes, can benefit from limiting their intake. but, in our sugar laden diets, this is easier said than done, particularly as sweet food is often offered as an expression of love in our food abundant cultures. here. psychologist dr jen nash shares her take on dealing with sugar cravings below, and offers a perspective on the underlying causes behind them, in an effort to help you master them. it is perfectly natural to enjoy sweet food. we have evolved from times when food was scarce, and high calorie food was rewarding both to our taste buds, and for our survival. some people feel ‘addicted’ to sugar, and report that freedom only comes when they completely abstain from it. sweet food certainly acts on the reward systems in our brains, and, for most of us, sweet food has a positive impact on mood, at least in the short term. the concept of a sweet tooth is a fascinating one. as a psychologist working with people with a ‘sweet tooth’, it is interesting that often the desire for sugary food is a signal that ‘sweetness’ is craved for in another part of life. craving sweet food has become a socially acceptable smokescreen for a desire for ‘sweetness’ in other forms, whether it’s stress relief, comfort, reward, overcoming tiredness, or prolonging a celebration. it's important to note that it's not 'bad' to crave sugar and it shouldn't be something you should feel guilty about   cravings are natural and most of us deal with them at some point. but what has your ‘inner world’ got to do with sugar? if you’re curious, the first step is to be a detective and notice what’s going on when the sugar craving strikes. you can start by getting clued up about the three different types of hunger: if you’re not experiencing stomach hunger when you’re craving, then it means you’re ‘hungry’ for something else. sometimes only sweet food will do, but rather than just ‘numbing out’ and eating unconsciously, start to see the desire for sweet food as a symptom, or clue, revealing something else. try asking yourself, ‘what am i really hungry for?’ sometimes it’s possible to create changes in life to get these true ‘cravings’ met: if it’s possible to make the change then do so and notice what happens to those sugar cravings. but sometimes it feels impossible to make these big changes and we can feel very stuck. often just the insight of what you are truly craving loosens the grip of power that it has over you. so rather than saying to yourself, ‘what’s the matter with me, i just can’t resist sweet food’, you can instead start to see the craving as an attempt to get an important ‘inner’ need met. you can begin to have a different conversation with yourself, ‘ah i see, i’m craving this sugary food because of xyz’. sugar doesn’t have to be the enemy, to be battled. when we switch our mindset to see the sugar as an attempt to take care of ourselves, we can start to think creatively about our choices. think of a child you know. yes, they might want to keep eating sweet food until they’re sick, but as a parent, you likely allow sugar in moderation and then engage them in a distracting activity that will appeal at least as much. what might be your equivalent? after all, as adults we too need a good balance of work, rest and play. if you realise you’re craving sweet food in relation to your inner world, try one or more of the following and see what’s helpful: sugar cravings, as well as cravings for reward, solace and celebration, are natural. remember it’s okay to use sugar to deal with life’s problems some of the time   most people do. finally, try and learn from the ‘predictability of life’. if you know that certain situations, events, people and feelings trigger your sugar cravings, how can you be kind to yourself and create a plan to help you? sometime preparation is the best form of defence. difficulties occur when sugar becomes the ‘go to’ way of dealing with problems it wasn’t designed to fix. by figuring out what you are truly craving and developing a range of ways to deal with it, you will be in control, not the sugar. to chat to someone about your relationship with diabetes and food, call our helpline on 0345 123 2399. too often, emotional and mental health support is missing in diabetes care. this has to change. © the british diabetic association operating as diabetes uk, a charity registered in england and wales (no. 215199) and in scotland (no. sc039136). a company limited by guarantee registered in england and wales with (no.00339181) and registered office at wells lawrence house, 126 back church lane london e1 1fh

the cheater tactic of cake eating is the situation in which the cheater has the affair partner (ap) and the main (chump) partner and tries to maintain power by keeping both. (“having your cake and eating it too.”) it’s the preferred nirvanic, narcissistic state of cheaters. in fact, cake is a preferred lifestyle for many. ideally, the chump is unaware of the ap, because that means the cheater has unfettered access to cake. after discovery, however, many cheaters will go to tremendous lengths to maintain cake. cake eating is confusing to chumps. chumps tend to think of affairs as competitions   it’s me or him! or what does she have that i don’t have? chumps see marriage or committed relationships through their own lens of monogamy and honest choices. if they are not committed to me, a chump thinks, then they’re for schmoopie. so who’s it gonna be? cake eaters do nothing to dissuade a distraught chump from this line of thinking. and a catfight ensues over their fabulousness. they would prefer you not discover their cheating, but if it must be revealed, this is how they’d like to see it play out. you try harder to win them back and maybe if you’re lucky, they’ll choose you! (see “the ‘pick me’ dance.”) chumps often go painful round after painful round as the cheater “commits” to the marriage and then retreats. swears to be faithful, and then is caught again with the ap. makes promises to both the chump (and the ap), and breaks them. the cheater is not trying to decide between two people   the cheater is trying to maintain cake. cake eaters are not confused. they are deliberately trying to maintain an unfair situation at your expense. they need time. they feel very, very sorry for themselves. please be patient! they’ll assert that they’re trying very hard to appease you (they’re not, but they may throw you a bone like marriage counseling, or sex, or paying attention to their children), but you’re soooo unreasonable with your demands. cake eaters are defensive when you question their commitment or the sincerity of their remorse. they really just want you to leave them alone and let them get back to the business of eating cake. there is only one way to deal with a cake eater and that is to take away the fork and leave. this site uses akismet to reduce spam. learn how your comment data is processed. deceit is never dignified. at first i thought this comment was spam   chump lady gets confused by word salad like: “conditions change, injuries, mist comes down. being out in the cold with no cake…” but i’ll assume you’re for real and would like to take the position that hey, poets are not enough and sometimes, some “dignified deceit” is called for so you can “fulfill human needs.” i’m all for fulfilling human needs and one of those needs is honesty. if you want cake, then you should be open about it. (see my rant on “monogamy ish.”) i don’t judge swinging or polyamory or whatever lifts your skirt. i do judge deceiving people. pretending to be monogamous so that you can gain advantage over another to get your sexual jollies? that pisses me off. cheaters always like to say crap like “real life isn’t so clear cut.” my ex was fond of the expression “the truth is always somewhere in between.” no it is not. living your life with integrity is pretty simple. if you’re married, don’t fuck people you aren’t married to. cake eating is obscenely disrespectful. it’s emotionally abusive. it’s narcissistic. i encourage anyone dealing with a cake eater to dump them immediately. i would only add that a functional open relationship/ poly relationship wouldn’t leave you feeling like you were doing the pick me dance all the time. it wouldn’t leave you feeling like the benefits were only going one way and that your boundaries were being disregarded. exactly! there is s big difference between “ we love each other, yet we will be seeing others on the site, followed by rule x and y” and “ we love each other and i promised you monogamous relationship, yet you are the only loyal, faithful spouse( chump) and i fuck whoever, however and whenever i feel like, regardless of how much damage i cause( not to mention risk of killing you and our kids in a process with an hiv virus” for every “ cake eater” who is trying rationalize case nr2  no need. it’s simple, and if you don’t see the point   good luck with your life. “all is fair in love & war” except i didn’t know there was a war. for every horrific, selfish & cruel act there is in the world, there are people that can rationalize it and follow through with it without a care. however, as has been pointed out by others, they sure don’t want the tables turned where they are the disrespected fool (chump). otherwise, there would be rules that were the same for everyone in the relationship. i feel it is the ultimate in childishness & immaturity!! it is hard to have respect for someone who feels the rules are different for them. i hope there is a special wing in hell for those who can do this and have “fun” getting “attention”, “love” & “sex” from another & not giving a thought to the one who has their back & who they committed to exclusively. this man is nothing but a little boy with pubic hair & a hard on. not attractive to grown ups! right on i appreciate your impulse to examine thoughtfully what you truly want. my point is, if you love cake   be authentic about that and don’t get married. or voice your condition that a marriage be open. that isn’t cheating. absolutely monogamy isn’t for everyone   so if it’s not for you, fine. you owe it to your partner to let him/her know that. exactly. if you don’t want to settle down, or you like the whole polyamory thing, make sure everyone knows intentions. it sucks when you promise people love and trust and then welch on it. find others who like to sleep around and party. don’t prey on somebody who wants to have a monogamous committed relationship. this looks like so many affairs. the cake eater promises to end the affair but just puts it on hold while they “work on their relationship” with their life partner. at the same time they are telling their affair partner that they are “working on separation” marriage counseling if very popular among cake eaters, this gives the a forum to tell their tale of woe and conflicted emotions. they are also keen on talking about pre existing marriage problems and deflect away from the affair as the problem taking your fork and leaving is fine in theory but a committed cake eater will pursue you. if you have kids they will use the contact to try and open up the cake store. but here is a warning. the effects of this on a previously committed spouse are downright dangerous. the person who previously loved you is now abusing you. the longer you allow this to go on the more damage will be done to your psyche and with that your security. your sanity is at stake anxiety attacks, panic attacks and even full blown ptsd are likely if you allow this to continue. we are not encouraged to avoid things in relationships, but avoidance is a valid way of dealing with a cake eater. don’t engage with them. avoid them ptsd so important many,many years since i got away. biting me on the bum now absolutely, ing. word. the strongest thing you can do is nc all the way. cake is the drug, no kidding about going to any lengths to achieve the nirvanic state of cake   they will mindfuck time and again to get cake. it took me forever to figure this out. the damage to me, my trust my sweet love and to my children is forever. but the sooner you shut the bakery down, the more mighty you will feel. that shortens the recovery time.. my experience only. i got my self esteem back!!! the cake is the golden egg laid by the goose in the fairytale ‘jack and the beanstalk.’ why is it that a lot of cheaters seem drawn to the type of “word sald” deal that claum uses? my xw was similar. phrases like “the chemistry became sexualized” or this “mist ” deal referenced by calum would definitely appeal to her. a good friend, an author and publisher looked at some of the things my xw wrote to me, where she would, in effect, justify her cheating with new agish sounding phrases that made no sense to me.’ i asked my friend, who is more literate than i am, to interpret. he said that my xw seems drawn to “opaque language” and he felt it was because it allows her to lie to herself more easily. one gets the feeling in reading calum , as well as my xw’s stuff, that these folks consider themselves, somehow, just a little bit more evolved, above the rules that apply to the mere peasantry. they have an air of feeling superior, such that the rules do not apply to them. yet, if you really look at how they act, they act in a manner that is less noble than others, more dishonest, more selfish etc. how that constitutes superiority is a mystery to me. that’s the thing, though; the additional complexity and opaque language create a pause, and it creates doubt. it makes us stop and think, “are we too simple? is there a grey area? are we less intelligent or less intellectual?” sometimes, it is a grey area we are looking for to try and explain or justify why someone we loved hurt us so deeply. we want a reason; we want to grasp at straws that it didn’t happen, and we’re not legally or emotionally bound to someone of low character. it is intentional because simplicity has its place in terms of clarity. terry pratchett once said, “simple isn’t the same as stupid.” simple can also be direct; simple doesn’t leave time or space for excuses or continued tolerance. “they cheated, so we leave them.” it is what cheaters try to obscure and derail you from. because that is a direct consequence of harm caused once the pretty language from the thesaurus is stripped away, it’s a smokescreen of words to hide the pain they cause and the clear consequences of it. i refer to it as bullshit. arnold, i read that in another of you posts and it struck me a advanced mindfuckery, “the chemistry became sexualized”, it would have been funny if you had said “i know what you mean, the common whore spread her legs like so many low class women before her! i know i would not have thought that fast either, being lost in the hurt of how unique she is trying to make it sound. as if to say this is not common cheating, this is special…yeah, right. think i will go “validate different facets of myself” before the “mist comes down” because being without cake sounds as “scary as stimulating” and i might “dignify deceit ” along the way. god, my xw has a soulmate. i have to say in all fairness that calum wrote to me off the board and liked the site, and was a bit mortified by that post. he asked to take it down and i meant to get around to it and didn’t. so, yeah, it’s word salad. i don’t know calum’s story, but i’d like to believe he’s not a bad person or a cheater. just someone muling infidelity over without having experienced it. the tendency to intellectualize it evaporates when you’re on the receiving end of it. i did this since i was a marriage expert before 2 professional cheaters that’s the thing , though, cl. when you really try to take a look into what someone like calum is saying, the vague, opaque phrases, they really aren’t very well thought out. so, to call it “intellectualizing” may be gibing him too much credit. rather, it seems to me, that someone like this merely spews out a string of sort of catchy sounding little blurbs in the hopes of sounding hip and evolved and deep. look at what he is really saying, without the “mist descennding” or the “validating one’s full self” crap. it is just someone saying that, like everyone else, he or she , occassionally, sees someone other than his spouse as attractive and that there is a sameness aboutbeing with one person long term. so, wouldn’t it be nice to have an arogasm with that new person. there is no “validating” through that. what does it even mean to be “validated”.without even seeing or knowing calum, i can “validate” that he or she is another run of the mill human being like the rest of us, dealing with the same issues and crap we all do. it is just that some of us do not go for this gibberish that aloows us to fool ourselves into thinking we are special cases. see arnold, you took the trouble to parse all that. i just kind of read right over it and thought… bullshit. but thanks to your comment   i’m going to post on cheater word salad soon! liked your piece about this bullcrap. i hope calum does not trip on his man purse and that his beret matches his outfit. guy probably has a graying ponytail. my cake eater told me, “there’s all kinds of truth,” when i asked him to be honest with me about his affairs. when i found a condom in my husband’s toilet kit while looking for a band aid, i was knocked to my knees. we were in another country and he was out for a run. i called him and said, “i found it.” he figured it out and asked what i was going to do. i hung up, packed and left with the rental car. drove about 50 miles, stopped on a beach and thought about walking into the waves but eventually turned around and went back. i should have kept driving, left the car at the airport and headed home. instead i went back. i didn’t speak to him for 24 hours and he didn’t apologize or beg me or grovel. he was quiet. i gave in. i promised to be more everything. i look back at the person i was then and feel sorry for the poor thing. i’d like to go back there and give myself a hug. i never even asked who she was, never asked him to stop seeing anyone, just assumed he would because he’d been caught. i doubt he stopped for a minute. ” you try harder to win them back and maybe if youâ€™re lucky, theyâ€™ll choose you!” i felt this way. i had won. he wanted me, not whoever she was. i clung to that for a few more years. thanks, chump lady. it’s will be one year from the last and final discovery. it’s been a shitty road but most days are good. i’m glad i found your site. it didn’t last long. there’s all kinds of truth?! can i nominate that for cheater word salad? mine was fond of “the truth is somewhere in between.” i realized that “truth” for these people is situational. don’t beat yourself up for assuming he would quit because he was caught. that’s just you applying your moral compass to him. that’s what you would’ve done (if you could imagine doing such a thing). be kind to yourself. i think one of the hardest things to get over after infidelity, isn’t even the cheating itself, it’s forgiving ourselves for being duped. how we let ourselves down by accommodating such shittiness in our lives, making yourself smaller and smaller. time to make yourself bigger and bigger! it gets better. really. yes this ⏫️ i got ‘the truth is somewhere in between’ a lot, too. i also got ‘it was bigger than me’; ‘i lie because i can’; ‘i can’t help it if we have different sex drives’; ‘people cheat on other people   get over it.’; ‘i’m bad you’re good. so what?’; ‘i’m having a mid life crisis’; ‘i don’t believe in monogamy’. etc. etc. my husband’s favorite is “everyone has their own truth” or “that’s your opinion of what the truth is, mine is different”. debbie l, i hear you, sister. “everyone has their own truth” almost word for word. and then eventually through gritted teeth, “you’ll never find out the truth!” oh, so there are more sordid details? well, i’ve learned enough, thank you. many people get suckered on this concept: truth is not an absolute, it’s all relative. one of the reasons i love you: no it is not. living your life with integrity is pretty simple. if youâ€™re married, donâ€™t fuck people you arenâ€™t married to. pretty simple really thanks falene! yeah, it kinda seems like a simple rule, huh? oh yeah. i fell in love as soon as i saw that sentence too. lol yeah, it is simple. but, with statements like that, you are going to have a lot of trouble looking cool and hip to the beret wearing, petulie oil smelling, hipsters who have evolved translucent cognition through resonating paradigms of consciousness replete with validation amidst the enfolding descent of the mist. btw, did you notice that calum claimed, in his first sentence, to be too dim to understand the expression about one having one’s cake and eating it too? that expression has been around forever and is well understood by almost everyone. yet, he was “confused” by it, as he only understands eating cake. well, if he is that dumb, it is no wonder he writes as he does. for what it’s worth, the expression is “you can’t eat your cake and still have it.” somehow or other it got twisted around to “have your cake and eat it, too.” the original expression better illustrates the idea. in french, “avoir le beurre et l’argent du beurre” (have the butter and the money to pay for the butter) my cake eater is making cake (literally) in the other room as i write this. i’m telling her i’m leaving on monday, after my stepdaughter’s birthday party on sunday. it’s been a shitty three years. i did all that you said a bs shouldn’t do, and now at last i realize that the reconciliation is a mirage. she’s narcissistic, is not accountable, and untrustworthy. she thinks that paying lip service to reconciliation entitles her to having us act as if nothing ever happened. this while she refuses to stop working with her ap: the lawyer that she retained to see to her daughter’s (my stepdaughter’s) custody case. this is my second marriage, i was also the bs in my first. this time around, i’ve found the right group therapy, and have lived the last years mindfully. i’ve finally learned, deep down inside, how fucked up codependence is, and how my fantasies of reconciliation are unicorns. the years aren’t a total loss, i’ve learned, and become closer to my stepkids. i am stronger for it, a healthier, happier adult, and a better father to my kids and stepkids. now let’s get rid of cake eaters. ww   good for you. (((big hugs))) it’s hard stuff. my second marriage, although brief, was to a serial cheater. and it really killed me to divorce twice. it kept me doing the reconciliation thing for over a year   the most painful period of my entire life. living with an unremorseful cheater is death by inches. yeah, ditch the codependence. the best advice i read was that if you’re a codependent   your path out is actually quite easy. recognize your worth. and find another giver. you’re a giver, and you need to find someone like you. that’s it. reciprocity. go find it, it’s out there. you have to let people in. abusers? cheaters? it’s a much, much harder path for them (which is why i am so skeptical about r). they have to give up the entitlement. the ego kibbles. having it their way all the time. they have to share the cookies and realize they are not the center of the universe. much harder path. i’ve been happily remarried for a couple years now. my husband is also a former betrayed spouse. i think that works   bss should hook up! he’s a giver too. it’s wonderful. good people are out there. and i don’t just mean romantic relationships, but all relationships. a million cuts is a painting…it is true i dont believe in confrontation or telling them anything. just leave and let them figure it out. 😂🤣 chump lady start a dating service “ united chumps “???? i guess i need some serious counseling   i’m not attracted to nice, giving, respectful men. i’m seeing a great guy   former bs and a giver but there is no “spark”. maybe it’s just too early, i just want to be friends. i’m so trying to improve my choosing skills and even stopped dating for a while. dear chump lady, can we have a connecting wire among givers? i mean, i find all the people out there looking for potential mates to be suckers! maybe, the experience of being in a serial cheater husband’s trap for long 14 years with a 12 year old kid has made me “very skeptical” about ever being a possibility of getting at “truthful relationship”! i feel this happens to a lot of bss! so, while the cheating spouses seem to get too many takers, the bss seem to have a hard time figuring out, whether all the good ones are already taken. what is going on here? do you see any common thread among bss in this aspect? if you do, kindly, lead bss in their quest for finding another giver like themselves. since, you’ve successfully transcended this phase, this will be very insightful and beneficial to co dependents or givers or bss or whatever shade they wear, in one of the most uphill task in resurrecting themselves. anudi two time loser here, as well. first wife serially cheated for years. second wife took it up about 4 years in(doing her old boyfirend and the frozen food delivery guy((these are the tip of the iceberg, i suspect)) ) for those of us who have been through this in more than one marriage, we need to really hone our selection skills. and, go really slow before geting physical(my second wife “accidentally, became pregnant). my gf now was betrayed. she is a giver to the max. best gf i have ever had. she is really good looking, to boot. lucky you, arnold! my husband is a former bs. i think givers need to hook up with other givers. it’s bliss. arnold, your experience seems like too much to bear. i was relieved and please to reach the end of your post and see that you have a loving and lovely girlfriend. a question for those who have survived and thrived…what if you’re older (early 50s) and not quite pretty? who’s going to want me? even if i did find someone, how could i ever be sexually intimate relationship with someone after learning everything he did young hong kong prostitutes, a russian mistress in her 20s…? convincing me i was damaged sexually…it just seems impossible. he did a number on my sense of self, alright. it gets better, right? duped. you were gaslighted. this is incredibly damaging and rips your sense of self apart. one of the things you may not be thinking about right now is that there are an almost equal number of males out there in the world that were also gasighted also in their 50’s and also not looking as gorgeous as we once did. forget the lies about your sexual dysfunction. get yourself screened for std’s for your own peace of mind and get fit. it gets better!! really. thanks, ing. i was tested as soon as i found out and got a clear bill of health.well, except for those precancerous cells and the hpv but you can’t prove that… it’s surprising, but it shouldn’t be, how deep the damage can go. i didn’t imagine it would affect other areas of my life. while remodeling i had to be talked off the ledge a couple of times by the sweetest contractor because i was sure subcontractors had plotted to cheat me because they knew they could. it seemed so real and then so embarrassing. i also have caught myself thinking my dearest friends didn’t think about me like i thought they did. i guess it takes a while for things to surface and then you have to deal with them. anyway, thanks for your kind words. they help. this is me. i.look at crowds even at church and pick.out cheaters. my 2 d days with 2 cheaters then has ruined me. i even heard a sermon where a study showed how men are like goats that are put in pens with.100 female goats in heat. the male goat loved the variety of she  goats and picked a new one every time. he couldn’t stop until he almost keeled over. are there any good men left?.hopefully they are not all goats. my now ex gave me a parting gift of incurable sti and i’m in my 50s, tell me how it gets better? mine did too. i’m in my late 40’s and i have hsv thanks to my ex. i started dating about 2 years ago. your ex doesn’t have the right to rob you of your chance at love again. many people have stis, when you meet someone who respects you, and you respect tell them, just be honest. it is a good test. if they are understanding and caring about it, you know they could be a good match. if they aren’t they just showed you their true colors and you saved yourself a lot of time. i have a wonderful boyfriend. super understanding, reciprocal and caring. i never thought i would. it does get better. hang in there big hugs. you deserve to love and be loved. dear datdamwof, i was fortunate and caught it early enough that it should be no problem. i’m fortunate that i can afford regular health care. so many cannot. i don’t know what i’d do if i’d contracted something in curable. that seems like the most callous of actions cheater could do. i’m sorry. my “gets better” was meant as the layers of damage slowly slough away giving you time to consider each one. iof i felt any twinge of sympathy or longing for him, i would imagine him in the middle of one of his most sordid behaviors and it was like pouring poison on what was left of my feelings for him. i’d imagine an enormous dandelion shriveling as i poured acid on it. there was a time i did not believe i would be able to think about the cruelty of his deceptions and almost laugh in disbelief that anyone could be that fucked up. take good care of yourself. duped, i’m attending a wedding this thanksgiving to a friend who is 76 (and the groom is 73). there’s always a new beginning out there. and hey, no one looks like a super model in their 70s. per intimacy   get an std check. if all’s clear, you’ll be good to go. new to this site, and i love it! wondering if its ok to tell my story as i love the feedback from other posters? feel free to tell your story ba   you can email me at info@chumplady.com if you want. i tried to win back my cake eating ww for 3 years. can you imagine lowering your self worth for three freaking years, believing all the double talk, lies, half truths and false reconciliations? it’s the most painful, sordid existence that i’ve known. and i’ve been through close family deaths and tragedies before their time. i’m going through d now, and while painful at least i finally see a light at the end of the tunnel, and i can believe it’s sunlight…no longer an oncoming train i’ve witnessed the past three years. recently, i’ve started a tentative friendship with a wonderful lady, also who was a former bs (not from marriage but a 3 year engagement), and the giving character is night and day. don’t be too hard on yourself sadman… trying to “do the right thing” is what us chumps do. some of us do it for 3 years, some for a lifetime. just be thankful that you have recognized the unicorn of reconciliation for what is is and are moving on… it is still painful, but totally worth the walk through fire. at least that is what i’m hoping. you’ll get there… and i’ll get there… and all these chumps will be there with us. thank god for chumps! you’re not ready till you are ready. some of us don’t have the courage for years. it does hurt you a lot, to stay..but we all have our pay offs. i stayed 3 years with each cheater but d days were only at the very end. before that it was the unknown pick me dance and i didn’t snoop. if i had, it would never have been 3 years. do you consider an emotional affair in the same light as a physical affair? my spouse keeps telling me “she’s just a good friend.” i’m not buying it but do i end the marriage because i think he’s lying to me? is he just trying to pacify me by agreeing to marriage counseling? do i really want to wait around while he “works through whether or not he wants to be married?” seriously, i think he’s pushing me to file for divorce so that he doesn’t look bad. hi heather, this is how my husband started. emotional affairs. and in my opinion it’s worse than a physical affair. they make you feel crazy for questioning it and then you question yourself. please, trust your instincts. while he swore up and down they were friends and that’s not what he wanted with her, guess who he lives with now? i squashed my own gut and learned a lot from that. my heart is aching for you right now. please, get yourself a good therapist and a lawyer. also know that you are a good person. no one deserves the bullshit he’s dishing out. he may be confused but he’s lying to you and it’s simply not okay. start working on you and being the best person you can be. it’s a tough road but you will get through it, either way it turns. xoxo you can wait if you wish, but it will not get better. from my experience my cheaters both observed how much “i let slide ” with their ea..(.forgiveness grooming).then they up the transgressive behavior. i turned into a” let it go” whimp and he loved the cake of ea and keeping me. i call it the shopping phase. still you have no idea if an ea is not also a paffair no idea at all. you have to trust a lier. go ahead. heather, one more thing, you said, “do i really want to wait around while he “works through whether or not he wants to be married?”” that is a line that buys a cheater time. he can continue to stuff his face with cake eating. he wants both. why make him a priority while he treats you like an option? don’t wait around on him. you deserve a good man that will love you. respect you. be faithful to you. be honest. someone you can trust. find out the truth. and make the decision to make you the priority. keep us updated heather. we are rooting for you!!!!! hi heather, if i were you, i would put on my pi hat and start investigating. your husband could be giving you trickle truth about what he is really doing. it is possible he is only involved on an ea, but more than likely is having a pa/ea. he will gaslight you, manipulate you, and lie to you so he can keep his “friend” and marriage. please, please please do not take his word for telling you the truth. i tried every which way to investigate myself when i had suspicions, but everything was in lockdown. i bought a voice activated recorder (small device, inexpensive.. best purchase i ever made.. literally.). went out one night. caught him chatting w his mistress. for 2.5 hours. found out everything i needed to know. he could not deny anything as i had evidence from his own mouth in his phone conversation. my opinion is (not everyone agrees, but ultimately is really about you think anyway..), is an ea is just as damaging to the marriage/relationship as a pa because it is an affair of the heart. he is putting up a wall with you, you are his wife. you should be his confidante, emotional support, and friend.. yet he is allowing some strange whore to take your place???? hell no!!! that means he has no boundaries in place. disrespects you. and is giving his heart to someone else. not acceptable! ask yourself: are you okay with that? and heather, he should not have any secret friends. if the person is spending time with your husband that you do not know about (calls, emails, texts, meetings), she is no friend. a person must be a friend of the marriage. respect the boundaries in place. sounds to me he is scared of you finding out what he is doing. cheating. and will do anything to keep you away from finding it. marriage counseling? cheaters love that! do whatever you can to get to the truth. and ask yourself what you will/will not accept. how do you think you deserve to be treated? i say if you have proof he is cheating. retain a good lawyer and serve him the divorce papers. good luck heather! we chumps are here for you!!!!! rose, love those voice activated recorders! after my xh promised he ended his pa, he started going into the office an hour earlier every morning. so, yep, went to walmart bought a var and put it in the office. bingo, he was going in early to talk sweet nothings with her and plan their weekend get away to new orleans for his birthday. nomojoe, way to take your power back by finding out the truth! best of luck to you. hope you kicked joe’s lying, cheating ass to the curb where it belongs. eas are indication of this person’s psychological problem! pa on the other hand would mean having some kind of “entitlement”, due to being more “clever”, “desirable”, “rich”, “gifted” etc. etc., more narcissistic. while pas can go on without ea (so pa is less dangerous of the two), ea necessarily culminates into pa, if given a chance (for example a secluded place to meet up). whether ea or pa or both! how does it matter? ur hubby is not committed into the marriage. his level of commitment is the problem…not you 🙂 . at this point, evaluate how much investment you’ve put in to the marriage, already. how you can plan to salvage, a lot of things, what you built together (even if it means to dupe him into thinking that you are chasing the unicorn of reconciliation, while you are working on the other)! cl’s page on “how to leave a cheater”, is very instructive. even if you decide on one chance at marriage therapy etc., kindly draw a time limit. a carefully thought out strategy of investing in just as much, is desirable at this stage. after a threshold is reached, pull the trigger! your life is more important than all this shit! i used to use the same theory when discussing the sitch with my ex. except i used donuts. cakey, but not quite cake. very entertaining read! just wanted to add; i realized my ex wanted to have his cake and eat it too   without baking any cake, without bringing home any flour or butter or eggs, without earning the money to buy those things, so he could have cake at home. he wanted a great marriage, with no effort on his part, no giving, no thinking of me or of his kids. then he tried to convince me it was my fault he was screwing around. yeah, right …. does he want his cake still? after 16 years my husband started an affair with a girlfriend from 18 years ago who dumped him after 3 years because he was down (lost his job) and she was too young at 20 to deal with it. fast forward 16 years met him on fb and within 4 weeks he has said the i’m not in love with you i love and care about you but i have feelings for her. he is now spending every weekend at her house with her children and coming back monday night to our house so he can go to work and the gym. we don’t really talk only hello/goodnight and i have started the divorce but every night he annoys the dog to get a reaction me i don’t cook or wash his clothes anymore he moved into the spare room and went and bought a new bed as the other one was hurting his back we are getting divorced and will be selling the house so why bother as he is telling friends he is moving in with her soon i am not working at the moment so he says you can go out during the week but have to stay at home at the weekends for the dog or get rid of him it’s his dog! it’s like he is reliving his 20’s going to bars where he used to drink seeing her and going around with the biggest ego he is happy for his work friends to know and family oh and fb friends but not our neighbours as they don’t need to know what the f@@k is going on is he a cake eater or is he just starting a new life ? so sorry maria! is he a cake eater? the better question is  do you want to be treated as the fall back girl, dog sitter, motel for the week? don’t let him use you anymore! you seem to almost know you want, and are making choices to help yourself, but you need to realize how much he sucks. he’s not who you thought he was, he’s this guy, the one that comes around as it’s convenient, is mean to his own pet, and clearly enjoys using women. very sad, you deserve better. keep going on that divorce! he won’t change. read everything tracy writes over and over until your heart and mind align and you start to find maria again! i’m baffled. he had a ea not pa (yet) for 2 months, i found out, talked to her, wrote her letters, i think she ended it, and i think he hasn’t talked to her since march 2013. i monitor cell phone/house phone online, and i snoop alot. i haven’t found anything. we’re getting along ok, sex could be better. he won’t say “i love you”. i can’t tell if he’s recovering, trying to forget her, and we’ll get there, or if he’s lying, planning and biding his time until he’s ready to go. i’m a pretty smart person, but i can’t figure this out! living the life of a marriage warden sucks, you can’t change them or monitor enough l kathy, you need to read more posts here; he’s not recovering at all! and why on earth would it be your job to talk to his ap????? check out especially the posts on ‘reconciliation and remorse’ and the recent one on ‘how can i trust …’ you need your eyes open, and if you’re going to try the reconciliation route, you need to demand way more from him! yes, unfortunately you have become the dreaded marriage police. are you happy? wouldn’t a healthy relationship cause you happiness? your guy sounds like he’s on the trail of other women, it doesn’t usually end well. when my x was in his last, really huge and sexual, affair (ea and pa), we started having wonderful sex almost daily. he was high on cake! aah the self serving nonsense continues… i got an acerbic email from my omgp stbx about how he had information about a situation between our 15year old and myself which ended with the folllowing drivel: “…my right to know as a parent about anything that may have had some serious emotional impact upon my daughter is important and just that   a right.” (i’m gonna hurl) well the fact was my daughter and i had an arguement about her demanding me be on time to the minute and the fact that she is always late and rude about it… typical teenage stuff. after some serious editing   my first drafts always say exactly what is on my mind   i replied with facts a b c and went on to volunteer the tip of the iceburg regarding our daughter’s psychotherapy (2x a week). i closed by saying: “quit casting aspersions. you chose to lead a double life which continues to have, in your words, “serious emotional impact on my daughter” that you certainly weren’t forthcoming/inclusive about.” his reply of course made no further inquiries into her wellbeing… “thanks for being forthcoming and filling in the blanks that were of concern in this matter”. wtf is wrong with this man? filling in the blanks??? he obviously just wanted to stick his sun damaged, pock scarred chest out and crow. no genuine interest in our daughter at all. just his ego. yum yum. mmburned, you have no obligation to provide this kind of info to your ex. your daughter is 15, she can communicate what she wants. you’re right, he just wants to look like a good dad who cares about his daughter, and to rub in the fact that your relationship w/your daughter is not a perfect one (just as nobody’s is! especially when they’re teens!). he’s looking for ego kibbles! you can reply just with; ‘i will immediately inform you when there is anything going on that could have any serious emotional impact upon your daughter, and i assume you will do the same.’ and no more! he’s a control freak. appreciation to my father who shared with me regarding this webpage, this weblog is in fact remarkable. word salad: “you can’t deny me my truth.” mine says at a fast pace and high loud pitch “i’m not going to talk about it” so it is a shut out as to what is going on. only, wow, that i’m not going to talk about it sort of is telling. really don’t understand how that is supposed to not let me know the affair is going on when months ago me and our children were told it was over and he was going to stay in the marriage, only he still needed time, he just doesn’t know what he is doing. he has said he doesn’t know what he is doing a long time, it brings to mind an image of him running down a sidewalk with a straight jacket on, not that it happened, but hearing that…i flash on the image. i wish he was in a straightjacket, it would explain all this. wanted to add, the statement is parrot like he says it then if i start to say something it is repeated at a face pace odd exactly..don’t prey on somebody who is monogamous in thinking.. you would be effectively taking away his or her health or sanity to meet your needs….pretty words don’t make an ugly dishonest soul any cleaner or easier to deal with… my ex called cheating…continental. as if only for the upper class. he had an effen analogy for everything. oh yeah, when he insulted you, he did it by pretending to give you a compliment. only to cut the jugular. hi, 4 days ago i found out the father of my 18month old son is seeing someone else 10 years his junior! he says he still wants another baby with me and still wants to come round and spend time together as a family! (what planet is he on!!) the weekend, as you know, has been emotional but on sunday i started to get my act together. i know there is life after infidelity as i’d already experienced it with my first husband who cheated on me with another man   that took me 4 years to come to terms with and have the confidence to go out dating again. i thought i had found the one this time but sadly once id given him what he wanted   a son, he started to play around. every time over the last 12 months he has managed to manipulate his way back in, usually by making me feel sorry for him (he was adopted and had a very unstable first 2 years of his life, which is his excuse for his narcissistic behaviour). so as this is the second time of being cheated on i started reading websites to help deal with the hurt and betrayal better. i came across the no contact theory and apart from a very brief and matter of fact exchange when collecting his son for a visit 2 days ago, i have so far managed to ignore his texts, emails and haven’t looked on his twitter, instagram or fb. but today i felt a little down and came across your website   fantastic, everyone who has been cheated on needs to read your website! your choice of phrase makes me laugh. but what made it more so was my eldest son from my first marriage ( now age 7) gave his step dad 2 cakes when he came for his visitation and reading this theory of cakes, i just burst out laughing at the irony that the last i saw of the cheating pig was walking away with 2 little cupcakes!! he thought he could have his cake and eat it!! not anymore …. reading calum’s posting my first thought was this is a bunch of bs! in an additional comment he says, “you are right enough. your forum is your own so even if my question remains open it has no place here. your strength is your black and white clarity. feel free to delete it.”    umm, cl doesn’t need your permission to squash your bs. my adulterous ex wife literally told me that she was confused and that she didn’t know what she wanted. she even convinced our marriage counselor that she was going through some internal turmoil about the kind of person she’s become, all the while continuing her affair. she even said out loud that she wishes she could have her ap and her husband too… very brazen. it took me a few days to realize what was really going on and i decided to drop her like a hot potato. but you articulated it so well in the last two paragraphs! you hit the nail on the head tracy! oh wow. i think i believed that my stbeh was actually just a confused nark. i think he is also a cake either, he keeps saying “this is not about x” but then he has acted exactly that way. at least i need to be grateful for his honesty because he has been very upfront about not being able to offer me fidelity if we are separated. i was the chumpiest! he cheated for a year with a mutual friend. begged to stay then re proposed. i fell for it fully. wedding in central park puke!! fast forward 4 years in which he financially abused me ( to the tune of $400000), emotionally verbally and mentally abused me, then wouldn’t work and when i insisted on collecting pay cheques from the business, discarded me within 5 weeks moved in with the new woman and (much younger than our kids)daughter within 3 weeks. she has a high paying bank job plus child support from her daughters european dad perfect score@!@ good riddance to him and i am actually starting to feel sorry for her the love bombing was epic and she has no idea of the raging narcissist she is with. it is hard to accept he likely did not love me at all in our 34 year marriage. know this is an old post but i’m totally going through this as we speak. found out fiance was sexting a man, confronted her and she came clean that they didn’t have sex but “something happened” (as in, most likely sex but ehhh). few days later, after feeling like i was going crazy from how she wasn’t prioritizing fixing the relationship, still talking to her friends from the gym (the place she lost her mind at and found the guy), and just thinking about how i’d been used and abused over the last year ever since she was begging me to get her a ring, i just left in the middle of the night when she was away. no word of why i left, just texted her the next day saying leave. eventually i had to contact her to ask when she was moving out, she accused me of cheating and was telling everyone on her side i cheated which is why i left, i laid out in full why i left (never cheated, was always good) and she wanted me back almost immediately. turns out, not 3 days after leaving, shes eating her “cake” out of revenge (and fulfillment i have no doubt). i agreed to try and fix it, but at this point its definitely looking like a no go. she pushed back on wanting to cut all contact with the guy by phone, still has him in her phone as “papi” (its literally only been 2 weeks…..we had 5 years lol), but luckily she’s moving out because she believes the space will reignite our relationship. already moving on, started thinking ahead, will have one last talk with her more of less saying for her own good and for her own relationships, she needs to cut contact with that gym and everyone from it because she’s become a much worse person ever since hanging out with those people (she’s incredibly impressionable). thanks for writing this, never knew about this site till this week, really helping me comes to terms with things and not making me feel like the bad guy in any way (she’s definitely trying to make me the villain, luckily even all her friends agree her decision was the bad on). this is an old post, but tyler does not need to have “one last talk with her”   let alone to tell her what she should do next at her gym or anywhere else. that’s what’s great about the “gain a life” part of this site. let the cheater be to make allllll the bad decisions she wants to. edit; got fooled by an old post yet again. as an update i have to say i wish i’d found cl 11 years ago. at that time i reconciled. the finally came three years later thanks to finding this site. while in the bliss of infatuation he bragged about it always being about the thrill of the chase. i’ve been no contact since then, not a word. there were attempts when he told adult children he’d talk to me. how i love where he landed. i think the thrill of the chase has no takers. it was replaced with stuck with it. leaving the cheater was the best thing i ever did for myself. tc   i had a similar situation to you but in 1980 (no sexting then but she did screw two other guys while engaged). i married her. i finally divorced her for her serial cheating on 7/5/17. run like your hair is on fire!!! . after dday my fw came right out and admitted he liked having both of us. he didn’t seem to think there was anything wrong with it. but then, he’s an imbecile with the eq of a dung beetle. now he has nobody and has only my daughter to text to about his problems, texts to which she never responds. my other daughter, the one who chose fw over me, her sister, and the rest of my family, is too selfish to care about his problems and he knows it. so there is nobody who gives a damn about his problems, since his own family is all narcs, borderlines, and just regular self centered jerks. how’s that cake taste now, fw? i imagine like cheap perfume, stale bread, and frustration. have you never heard of the expression, have your cake, and eat it too? i guess it might be old school general knowledge for some. this smacks of being ai generated. mine suggested that he start dating publicly so his ap would stay his ap and not dump him,but he wanted to tell tell our friends and family that we were separating so we could both explore dating but that were committed to staying married and loved each other unconditionally. i said no, he then unilaterally just stated dating his ap in public.i filed for divorce the next day. ex/fw was an open cake eater on my end, and very much resisted cutting ex/ow out of his life   they had soooo much history and she was his friend, how could i be that controlling! (despite the fact that she was a garbage friend. i was too nice back then, but now i wish i had pointed it out… and then immediately left him to rot.) when we went on a two day break, early in our relationship, he said we couldn’t see “other options” during that time. i didn’t have any other options, but even then i thought it was weird   i was certain he was seeing the ex/ow while he “figured things out” and sure enough, he later admitted to it, and to telling me that because he didn’t want to risk anyone else having me! there’s no “confusion” in the cheating when it comes to the cheaters. just us chumps who are confused. during one of our many arguments about pos cheater’s betrayals, the pos looked at me and asked,”are you not glad that i chose you over her?”. like he actually did something good. i’m your wife, you pos, i should not feel happy because you chose me. this is not a fucking competition you moron with the disordered mind. when i finally realized that he was a two faced fake and made it clear that the pos must fo, he was truly stunned and still believes that the consequences outweighed his despicable behavior. 😄 it’s a “preferred lifestyle to many”, ha!! nothing i’ve read has telegraphed the mindset of these people better than the phrase “preferred lifestyle”. when you look at it that way… makes sense! it’s a great setup as long as you can get away with it! thanks for framing it this way. so true. i didn’t understand this. once i saw the pattern, i couldn’t unsee it. my situation was lots of emotional affairs. one howorker he got drunk and banged her at a company party. i thought oh one drunken one night stand i can get past. but he had been grooming her for years. if you have an existing relationship with someone and it’s flirtatious, yes eventually something happens, especially when booze is involved. women just looooove attention. all you gotta do is give them attention and say open sesame. you don’t even have to pay women! and sure men of character don’t say open sesame. and women of character don’t open. always had some woman he was friendly with. there were different degrees to the friendship. some i didn’t know about. his excuse was oh it’s networking i may need to find another job. he had a best friend female who got divorced. yes i wasn’t his best friend, what an ahole. i think she thought she would sail off into the sunset with fw, or thought there are so many eligible men out there at 58 that i can get another. she got tons of plastic surgery after her divorce, looks like a different person. i think he just liked the dynamic of having his loyal wife appliance. offered stability to him. then he liked the dynamic of having these other women friends. he liked to seduce them emotionally and intellectually. he liked making women fall in love with him. he lived abroad for a year when we were first dating. i should’ve broken up with him then for good. but silly me said let’s date other people. he dated a woman, for a year, she fell in love with him. he can’t feel love, so he didn’t fall in love with her. he says they didn’t have sex. i wouldn’t have cared because i was dating others and having sex. i think he realized if he had sex with her, she would’ve lost her mind if he came back to america, she would’ve had to go with him or he stay there. very catholic country. i heard his telling his last emotional ap howorker all about this woman. how she was totally in love with him, and it broke her heart when he went back to america and he was with me again. she had to get counseling to get over him and the situation. she should’ve understood he was telling howorker a cautionary tale. he was basically telling her the dynamic and what he likes to do to women. seduce and discard. it’s a pleasurable game to him. so for people who don’t think emotional affairs are damaging. they are wrong. investing in another person is damaging to primary person. am i being cherished? no. am i being loved? no. adored? no. respected? no. i am doing those things for him, but it’s not mutual. and yes after many years of marriage its harder. but there are old married people who still love each other and hold hands. you can have that if you pick a person of character. that’s why choosing wisely treat kindly is so important. and it’s amazing how many women there are out there, billions, willing to line up for a married man. if you live or work in a large city the supply of ap is endless. you meet them everywhere. a cheater can only eat cake if you feed it to them. this this is the most staggering truth. it can go on for years..5 10 20. if a cheater can maintain the #1 wife and the ap(s) what a glorious set up for 🎂 cake and ongoing cake..forever. my two cheater tried hard to hide their secrets in the deepest basement buried from view. but the truth seeps out and it my case, the truth came out in demeaning me, devaluing,rages, depression sessions, complaining about me to others,even my children were targets.🎯🎯 of the smack downs grow up,my first cheater told our 6 year old, you need more discipline!!! he checked out alot but then alas, some conscience and regrets would leach out of the ooze of an umbaked cake and i’d get the charm, trips to b&bs marriage encounter weekends, increasing prayer and church attendance…yes even more gentle sex. all a cycle of abuse which i had no idea was the secret cake eating behind my back. d day was only confirmation of cake eating as the crumbs and frosting were everywhere. i read this article last night. i honestly do not think people who cheat actually think about much of anything when they cheat. they don’t start reasoning with themselves until they’ve been caught and then they say the quiet parts of their reasoning out loud. i think cheaters compartmentalize their lives so much that everyone around them is actually part of a compartment. like athletes or movie stars, their home is their home, their work is their work, their fun time is their fun time   and never the twain shall meet until the twains meet. i think that is how they process continuing their shit too. “hey, it is my life and you aren’t going to tell me what to do when we aren’t together.” that was actually said to me after d day for the affair and then d day for the drugs. i guess i’m lucky that my fw wasn’t a huge cake eater. she definitely was before d day, stringing me along, but her heart was set on the ap, convinced he would whisk her away to live happily ever after. he didn’t, she was just a little bit of fun for him, but she hung onto hope with him and threw me to the curb. so for a while we were both playing pickme, and both got shot down. this site is teaching me that i actually won in the end by losing my pickme dance. i'm an award winning blogger, amazon #1 seller in divorce, and cartoonist known as “chump lady.” i have been forging a new narrative about infidelity that champions self respect and self care for those cheated on. copyright © 2012   2025 chump lady all rights reserved. privacy policy

born fitness the rules of fitness reborn back when i was fitness editor for men’s health, i had an assignment to become super lean. it ended up being one of my most eye opening experiences, and not for the reasons you might think. originally, the story was going to be a step by step guide on “how to lose the last 10 pounds.” but, since this was men’s health, the focus shifted to getting abs. (side note: the photoshoot for the story ended up being one of the weirder things i’ve done. i was reminded that i’m definitely no zoolander.) if i was going to help people see their abs, then so be it. but, i was hell bent on not doing what was always done. from my perspective, the world didn’t need another insane workout with unrealistic time commitments. i wanted the “get abs” plan to be doable. that meant i wanted dessert. and, i wanted it multiple times per week. i enjoy a good celeb story as much as anyone, and i’ve interviewed dozen of big name stars and shared their workouts and diets. but here’s the thing: it’s one thing to break down the routine of an actor, actress, or athlete whose primary goal and day are built around diet and exercise. it’s fun to read about, but it’s not exactly practical for the average person. real plans for real people can’t be too extreme or insane because it’s not realistic for others to replicate. for me, that meant no two a day workouts or personal chefs. and, as i mentioned, i wanted to eat dessert each week. i believe in eating good food. i also happen to love cheesecake, brownies, cookies, and ice cream. and, so do many other people. more importantly, i needed to solve my own internal conflict between what i know is true and what i believed. i love science. i’ve built my career around being evidence based. everything in my understanding of getting lean told me that calories matter and eating dessert while getting lean is possible. after all, this is how a professor can go on a “twinkie diet “for 10 weeks and lose 27 pounds. or, how research suggests that eating dessert with breakfast led to longer term weight loss compared to people who avoided a dessert filled first meal. in fact, that study suggested that dessert eaters keep losing weight (an additional 15 pounds lost) while those that restricted dessert gained most of it back (22 pounds put back on). in my opinion, i wasn’t blessed with the world’s greatest genetics. in fact, i was overweight my entire childhood. so, if i’m being honest, i was skeptical whether i could actually get great results if i ate dessert. maybe it works for others, but it just didn’t seem like it could work for me. i knew the assignment was the ultimate test. i set the rules, the stakes were high, and the story was going to be published. so, what happened? i ate my desserts, and, at the end of the 12 week process, i was 8 percent body fat. women who ate small desserts four times a week lost 9 more pounds than those who enjoyed a larger splurge whenever they wanted. for starters, complete food withdrawal is more likely to lead to falling off your diet than experiencing long term success. [note: i’m not saying you shouldn’t occasionally try to remove foods from your diet that seem to be causing issues. that’s a different story. i’m talking about creating a plan based on complete restriction.] one of the biggest barriers to weight loss is the grind. diets tend to be frustrating and mentally exhausting. and that frustration and exhaustion lead to stress and cravings. it’s a downward spiral to inevitably leads to you “cheating” on your diet, binging on foods you’ve missed, feeling guilty, eating more bad food, and then saying “f it!” and quitting the plan. some variation of this happens to everyone. and, it’s not just psychological. as you restrict calories and lose weight, your body adjusts, hormones shift, and hunger increases. what should you do? you need to eat foods that fill you up and keep you satisfied (think proteins, fiber, and veggies), but you also benefit from dessert. desserts and treats can decrease cravings for sweet, starchy, and fatty foods. these are the “hyper palatable” foods that derail diets. and, your desire to eat more of them happens when you completely restrict them. but, if you have a little, it can limit you from having too much. it’s why my dessert and abs experience was so eye opening. i ate real food, desserts, and treats. no, i wasn’t crushing massive slices of cheesecake three times per day, but i wasn’t starving for sugar, fat, and salt, either. in many ways, it was the anti diet approach. instead of waiting for the moment where i wanted to quit, i proactively way prevented where most diets go wrong: cravings and withdrawal. that’s why finding your sweet spot with some treats is important. after all, when you compare most diets you’ll find that a lot of them work. so, why choose one that makes you miserable or you’ll be forced to abandon it before and you stay on it long enough to see the real results? yes, you still need to create a diet the consists of vegetables, fruits, proteins, and healthy fats. but, that’s a message we all know by now. what’s still lost in translation is that what you eat doesn’t have to make you miserable. remember, part of the trick to healthy living is consistency and patience. it works for diet and exercise. no magic. just consistency and sustainability. when you’re trying to lose weight, the worst thing you can do is ban all indulgences, which creates a feeling of withdrawal. a more effective approach is one that allows you to satisfy your cravings in controlled portions. research from alabama found that when overweight women ate small desserts four times a week, they lost 9 more pounds than those who enjoyed a larger splurge whenever they wanted. the small sweets provide the psychological edge that allows you to stay motivated, without derailing your eating plan. within any diet, 10 to 20 percent of your calories can be directed toward a little treat. the key is watching the portion size (yes, always tricky), so that a cup of ice cream doesn’t turn into an all night feast at the 24 hour buffet. or, in many situations, putting yourself in a position where you have the support to make sure that those types of binges are harder to occur. but you know what? going from one scoop of ice cream to an entire pint is much less likely when you don’t feel like the food is off limits. learn your limits. understand your triggers. and build a system that helps you succeed. but, if you want the highest likelihood of weight loss success that lats, then don’t remove all the foods you love. it’s one of the most common reasons why so many diets fail. the abs workout: a real way to transform your midsection want to burn more calories? add this to your fat loss plan why weights are better than cardio for fat loss adam bornstein is a new york times bestselling author and the author of you can’t screw this up. he is the founder of born fitness, and the co founder of arnold’s pump club (with arnold schwarzenegger) and pen name consulting. an award winning writer and editor, bornstein was previously the chief nutrition officer for ladder, the fitness and nutrition editor for men’s health, editorial director at livestrong.com, and a columnist for shape, men’s fitness, and muscle & fitness. he’s also a nutrition and fitness advisor for lebron james, cindy crawford, lindsey vonn, and arnold schwarzenegger. according to the huffington post, bornstein is “one of the most inspiring sources in all of health and fitness.” his work has been featured in dozens of publications, including the new york times, fast company, espn, and gq, and he’s appeared on good morning america, the today show, and e! news. is there another question we can answer for you? these days, people misinterpret the actual meaning of dieting. they stop eating their favorite dessert which will break their willpower and that makes an adverse effect on the body. what they need to do is, just google the meaning of diet. it says and i quote, “dieting is the practice of eating food in a regulated and supervised fashion to decrease, maintain, or increase body weight”. great article by you adam. thanks for share your thoughts on so called “diet taboo” in front of the society. thanks for the additional thoughts abhishek. happy to have you here! there is a lot of confusion about dieting and weight loss, there are many nonsense people who are spreading incorrect information on youtube, and many people are following them and getting no results. weight loss is simple, all you need is to count your calories, how much you burn in one day, according to your lifestyle, and then eat fewer calories than that, and in two or three months you will lose your body weight. i don’t know why people make it so complicated, all you need is to track your calorie intake and that’s it. from a metabolic and science perspective you nailed it on how weight loss happens. calories in and calories out. while that concept is simple, that doesn’t mean it is easy for everyone. as humans we have a lot of external and internal influences that can make weight loss difficult. most people who are struggling to lose weight know they need to manage their calories, but face all kinds of obstacles in their life that can make it hard. for that reason, being told to eat in a calorie defict can be frustrating. the body has an incredible way of responding in opposition when it senses initial weight loss everything from changes in neat to hormones that ramp up cravings. calories in and calories out will drive weight loss and that is great if it is easy for someone, but for the many who struggle well, that is when learning how to navigating obstacles becomes important. it can be a process to change behaviors, but that ultimately that is how someone builds consistency and gets results. your email address will not be published. required fields are marked * name * email * website comment * leave comment δdocument.getelementbyid( "ak_js_1" ).setattribute( "value", ( new date() ).gettime() ); this site uses akismet to reduce spam. learn how your comment data is processed. δdocument.getelementbyid( "ak_js_2" ).setattribute( "value", ( new date() ).gettime() ); [jetpack related posts] we have answers. © 2024 born fitness, llc • privacy policy • terms of use

δdocument.getelementbyid( "ak_js_1" ).setattribute( "value", ( new date() ).gettime() ); never in a million years did i think fruit cake would make it to my top 10 favourite cakes of all time! i literally despised fruit cake growing up, always finding it too dry or having too many sultanas. until i developed this super moist fruit cake recipe that is packed with fruit, nuts, dates and so much more! a fruitcake is a dense and sweet dessert cake that is typically made with candied or dried fruits, nuts, and spices. it is definitely a more ‘mature’ cake, and is often associated with holiday celebrations, particularly christmas   but they can be enjoyed year round. candied fruits: fruits like cherries, orange peel, pineapple and citron and are often candied by preserving them in sugar syrup. they add sweetness and a wonderful vibrant colour to fruit cake, and can often be bought at your local grocery store to save time! dried fruits: raisins, currants, dates, and apricots are commonly used dried fruits in fruitcakes. they provide a chewy and fruity texture to the cake and add moisture too. nuts: chopped nuts, such as walnuts, pecans, or almonds, are often added to provide a crunchy element and enhance the flavor. for me, nuts are a must in a fruit cake otherwise there’s nothing to cut through the dried fruit which can sometimes be overwhelming (well for me anyway). 🙂 spices: cinnamon, nutmeg, and allspice are typical spices used in fruitcakes to add warmth and depth of flavor. liquor: some fruitcakes are soaked in alcohol, such as brandy, rum, or whiskey, which helps preserve the cake and adds a unique flavor. because i personally don’t drink alcohol i have left this out of this recipe. i have used the the boiled fruit cake method which doesn’t require a long aging or curing time and therefore no alcohol 🙂 this fruit comes together really easily with no mixer required! you can find the full written recipe, quantities of ingredients and recipe video in the recipe card at the end of the blog post, but you can follow along here for visual steps 🙂 begin with making the boiled fruit mixture. to a large saucepan add in unsalted butter, soft brown sugar, dried fruits, dates (if using firm dates   see note 2 on recipe card below), orange juice, orange zest and molasses. bring that to a simmer over a medium heat, and once simmering, continue to let it simmer for a few more minutes. once done, pour the mixture in a large shallow dish to cool. to speed up the process i like to place the mixture into the freezer for about 45 minutes. once ready it should have thickened up in consistency. make sure it’s at room temperature (not hot or cold) before moving onto the next step. preheat oven to 140 °c (285°f) with the fan on (see note 3 on recipe card below if you don’t have a fan function) and grease an 8×3 inch cake pan (i use my homemade cake release), and line the bottom with baking paper. sift together your flour, baking powder, salt, cinnamon powder, ground ginger powder, nutmeg and all spice. mix together with a whisk or fork and set aside for now. in a small bowl combine the unflavoured vegetable oil and eggs. whisk with a fork and set aside. in a large bowl add in the boiled fruit mixture from earlier (make sure it’s at room temperature), and add in the oil/egg mixture. using a spatula, fold until it’s well combined. the mixture is quite thick so may take a bit of mixing to get it all combined properly. next add in the walnuts (and dates if you didn’t add them to the boiled fruit mixture), and fold until well combined. next add in the sifted dry ingredients from earlier and fold until just combined. do not overmix, so only mix until you can’t see any more streaks of flour. pour the batter into the cake tin and spread it out evenly. drop the cake tin lightly on the counter to remove any large air bubbles, and then bake for 75 85 minutes, or until a skewer or knife inserted into the centre comes out clean. allow the cake to cool in the cake tin for 30 minutes and then run a thin knife around the edges of the cake tin to release the cake, and then turn it out onto a wire rack (right side up) to cool. while the cake is cooling, prepare the orange syrup. combine orange juice and sugar in a bowl, and then heat it up (in the microwave or on the stove top) until the sugar is completely dissolved. using a pastry brush, brush the orange syrup all over the top and sides of the cake while the cake is still warm. be sure to use all the syrup up as you want it to soak deep into the cake. wrap the cake in two layers of foil (see video below for demonstration) and place it into an airtight container. leave it in a cool dry place for 48 hours before serving. i know it’s hard to wait, but it is crucial to allow the fruit cake to sit for 48 hours before serving it. this is going to allow the flavours to develop and the cake to become nice and moist. if you cut the cake too early, it may seem a little crumbly. it will still taste nice, but for the perfect texture it’s best to wait 🙂 this fruit cake will stay fresh for up to 2 weeks at room temperature (when placed in an air tight container) or up to a month in the fridge. for the orange zest used in the cake batter, and orange syrup used to soak the cake once it’s baked, you can substitute these both with lemon zest and fresh lemon juice. you may just need to add additional sugar to the syrup used to soak the cake to ensure it’s not too sour. for the store bought orange juice in the cake batter, you unfortunately cannot substitute this with lemon juice as it will change the flavour profile of the cake quite drastically. you can however subsitute this with apple juice if you prefer. yes, plastic wrap will be fine too. just be sure to keep your fruit cake somewhere out of direct sunlight (preferrably a dark spot   like inside your kitchen cupboard). christmas cake can be thought of as a specific variety within the broader category of fruitcakes. the term “christmas cake” is typically used to describe a particular type of fruitcake that is known for its rich and intricately decorated features, and it is specifically associated with the festive traditions of the christmas holiday season. in contrast, fruitcake is a more general term encompassing a wide range of cakes that share common ingredients like candied or dried fruits, nuts, and spices, and it can be savored at any time of the year. important: for accuracy, i would recommend using the gram measurements provided, as those are the exact quantities i use. cup measurements are given as estimates (based on us cup measurements) to make it easier for those who do not have a scale. nutritional information are estimates only as they are automatically calculated by a third party application. actual values may differ based on brands and types of products used. hi mk!! hope you’re doing good. i love all your recipes . watching your baking videos make me happy . pls let me one thing .. if incase i’m baking 250g cake in a 6 inch pan is it ok if i reduce the quantity by half and also what will be the baking time for this too.. thanks in advance ☺️☺️ happy new year 2025 mk !! hi subiksha! 🙂 aww so happy to hear you’re enjoying the recipes and videos! thank you so much for all your support 🙂 i unfortunately don’t weigh my cakes so i’m not too sure about the gram measurements sorry, however what i can say is if you’re wanting a 6 inch cake, then halving the recipe is the way to go   you’ll just need to reduce the cook time. hope that helps and happy new year to you too subiksha 😀 hello dear, for half the qty of cake that i plan to bake, what size tin should i use? as per your recipe, it’s 8inch for 0.5x as well as 1x. can you pls confirm? hi preeti! for half the recipe i would recommend using a 6×3 inch cake tin 🙂 sorry the cake tin size doesn’t adjust with the change in quantity, but for a smaller batch you will want to use a smaller tin 🙂 hope that helps and hope you enjoy the recipe! hey maryam, thanks so much for this great recipe! i’ve been so afraid to try and make a fruitcake…. well your story is like mine as a kid…. yuuuuck! 😂 i tried your recipe upon the request of my best friend and it was wonderful! i’m 3x the recipe this time. is it possible to bake it in a bundt pan? maybe not the entire batch but maybe 1/2 or 3/4’s of the tripled batter? if not what’s your thoughts on a 9x13 or the next sheet cake size up i think my next size is an 11×16?? lordy i’d have to measure it! 😂🤣 again thanks for a great recipe and for any insight you can share! merry christmas 2024!!! hi erica! so so happy to hear you loved the recipe after having a somewhat bad experience with fruit cakes like myself!! 😀 i’ve never tried the recipe in a bundt pan myself, but because it is a dense, slow baking cake that develops a good crust i think it could be worth a try! i would just fill the bundt pan just over halfway and use any remaining batter in another pan. i think a 9×13 will work great (or any shallow pan), you’ll just likely need to reduce the cook time. hope that helps and thanks so much again for the wonderful feedback 😀 hi! thank you so muchfor this recipe! would like an eggless version. what do you suggest i replace the eggs with and still get the same flavor and moistness? hi bhargavi 🙂 you’re so welcome! i haven’t tried an egg substitute for this recipe myself so unfortunately can’t recommend anything at this stage sorry! your email address will not be published. required fields are marked * save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time i comment. document.addeventlistener("domcontentloaded", function() { document.body.addeventlistener("click", function(event) { if (event.target.matches(".comment reply link, #cancel comment reply link")) { turnstile.reset(".comment form .cf turnstile"); } }); }); δdocument.getelementbyid( "ak_js_2" ).setattribute( "value", ( new date() ).gettime() ); welcome to my blog! my name is maryam and i love baking! :) i hope to provide you with the tools (i.e. simple, from scratch, quality tested recipes), so that you can confidently bake up delicious treats to share with your family and friends! sign up for free and be the first to get notified about new recipes. δdocument.getelementbyid( "ak_js_3" ).setattribute( "value", ( new date() ).gettime() ); 04/02/2025 28/01/2025 21/01/2025 © copyright cakes by mk, 2022 create your account now

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all products are independently selected by our editors. if you buy something, we may earn an affiliate commission. looking for ways to make family dinner easier, tastier, and just straight up less crazy making? we have 18 suggestions right here. parenting is hard, but this much i can say about my experience thus far: years from now, when my daughters are all grown up and writing their memoirs, they cannot accuse me of withholding dessert. i am and always have been a firm believer in dessert. ending a meal with something sweet, even if it's just a few chunks of really good dark chocolate, is simply the right thing to do. (on this point, my girls would beg to differ. bring on the brownies, the sundaes, the coconut layer cake, they say!) point is, we always keep sweets around, and i've never been one to say, to them or myself, no. well, except when ruby, my younger and the more irrepressible sweet tooth of the two, rifles through the pantry or fridge minutes before dinner, starts unwrapping whatever treat she finds, then turns to me and asks, "can i have this?" it seems like human nature to save dessert for the end, and it's how we do it in my house, despite ruby's attempts otherwise. but here's something i didn't know: it is perfectly okay to serve dessert with dinner. my epi editor anya hoffman, also a mom of two daughters, recently clued me into this life changing approach. allow me to now change your (and my daughters') lives. it all stems from the work of ellyn satter, a leading expert on feeding children, whose research anya learned of when she became a parent. satter, author of secrets of feeding a healthy family, pioneered the concept of "division of responsibility in feeding" essentially that parents handle the "what, when, and where" of eating and the child decides the "how much and whether." "kids will gradually, over time, learn to eat and enjoy the foods their parents eat," says satter. but there's one exception, which many of us know all too well: dessert. "dessert is really easy to like.