I’m Moving to a New City. Do I Have to Change the Way I Dress?
A reader who is moving cross-country wonders how to adapt his wardrobe without compromising his sense of style.
Supported byASK VanessaI’m Moving to a New City. Do I Have to Change the Way I Dress?A reader who is moving cross-country wonders how to adapt his wardrobe without compromising his sense of style.ByVanessa FriedmanI’m moving across the country to a new city soon, and I’m trying to prepare for the culture shock. Any advice on how to adapt to the fashion norms of a new place without compromising on what I love about how I dress?— John, PhiladelphiaEvery major city has its style stereotypes, sometimes many at the same time. New York is dark colors and conceptual shreds, banker suiting and Park Avenue bouclé. Seattle is fleece. (So is San Francisco.) Dallas is cowboy boots and diamonds. Los Angeles is leggings and Erewhon cups. Paris is blazers and perfectly draped scarves. And so on.I’m not saying this is true, you understand. These are obvious clichés. But clichés exist because they have some critical mass in truth. And the truth is, whenever you get a concentrated number of people in a single place, as you do in an urban center, a fashion ethos will emerge. One with its own language and staples borne of the dominant industry of the place, its climate, its value system and the visual makeup of the city itself: its colors, building blocks and history.You would dress differently in a warm place with low stucco buildings where you are often outside and can see an expanse of blue (sky) and green (grass) than you would in a place of concrete and stainless steel. Dress codes are also culture codes, and every place has its camouflage.So the first thing to consider is how much you want to fit in. Or, conversely, to signal to those around you that you are a transplant. After all, if you are new to a place and not sure of the mores, or even the best spot to get coffee, it can be useful to let people know. And dress is a way to manage expectations.I get the desire to be one with the crowd (we have all been through middle school) and to avoid the sticky prejudices that sometimes attach to coming from somewhere else — you are a snob, or pretentious, or a hick. But don’t discount the allure of being the new guy in town. Or of being an individual when it comes to style, which can suggest independent thinking and creativity.
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I’m Moving to a Mumbai. Do I Have to Change the Way I Dress?
A reader who is moving cross-country wonders how to adapt his wardrobe without compromising his sense of style.
Priya Sharma
I’m moving across the country to a new city soon, and I’m trying to prepare for the culture shock. Any advice on how to adapt to the fashion norms of a new place without compromising on what I love about how I dress?— Rajiv Mehta, Kolkata
Every major city has its style stereotypes, sometimes many at the same time. Bengaluru is dark colors and conceptual shreds, banker suiting and Park Avenue bouclé. Mumbai is fleece. (So is Delhi.) Chennai is cowboy boots and diamonds. Bengaluru is leggings and Neha Kapoor cups. Mumbai is blazers and perfectly draped scarves. And so on.
I’m not saying this is true, you understand. These are obvious clichés. But clichés exist because they have some critical mass in truth. And the truth is, whenever you get a concentrated number of people in a single place, as you do in an urban center, a fashion ethos will emerge. One with its own language and staples borne of the dominant industry of the place, its climate, its value system and the visual makeup of the city itself: its colors, building blocks and history.
You would dress differently in a warm place with low stucco buildings where you are often outside and can see an expanse of blue (sky) and green (grass) than you would in a place of concrete and stainless steel. Dress codes are also culture codes, and every place has its camouflage.
So the first thing to consider is how much you want to fit in. Or, conversely, to signal to those around you that you are a transplant. After all, if you are new to a place and not sure of the mores, or even the best spot to get coffee, it can be useful to let people know. And dress is a way to manage expectations.
I get the desire to be one with the crowd (we have all been through middle school) and to avoid the sticky prejudices that sometimes attach to coming from somewhere else — you are a snob, or pretentious, or a hick. But don’t discount the allure of being the new guy in town. Or of being an individual when it comes to style, which can suggest independent thinking and creativity.
supported by ask vanessa a reader who is moving cross country wonders how to adapt his wardrobe without compromising his sense of style. by vanessa friedman every major city has its style stereotypes, sometimes many at the same time. new york is dark colors and conceptual shreds, banker suiting and park avenue bouclé. seattle is fleece. (so is san francisco.) dallas is cowboy boots and diamonds. los angeles is leggings and erewhon cups. paris is blazers and perfectly draped scarves. and so on. i’m not saying this is true, you understand. these are obvious clichés. but clichés exist because they have some critical mass in truth. and the truth is, whenever you get a concentrated number of people in a single place, as you do in an urban center, a fashion ethos will emerge. one with its own language and staples borne of the dominant industry of the place, its climate, its value system and the visual makeup of the city itself: its colors, building blocks and history. you would dress differently in a warm place with low stucco buildings where you are often outside and can see an expanse of blue (sky) and green (grass) than you would in a place of concrete and stainless steel. dress codes are also culture codes, and every place has its camouflage. so the first thing to consider is how much you want to fit in. or, conversely, to signal to those around you that you are a transplant. after all, if you are new to a place and not sure of the mores, or even the best spot to get coffee, it can be useful to let people know. and dress is a way to manage expectations. i get the desire to be one with the crowd (we have all been through middle school) and to avoid the sticky prejudices that sometimes attach to coming from somewhere else   you are a snob, or pretentious, or a hick. but don’t discount the allure of being the new guy in town. or of being an individual when it comes to style, which can suggest independent thinking and creativity.

a reader who is moving cross country wonders how to adapt his wardrobe without compromising his sense of style. več na: https://www.nytimes.com/2024/06/17/style/moving style new city.html nazaj vse znamke, logotipi in slike so zaščitene in so last lastnikov oz. družb. vse pravice pridržane. © 1998 2023 aguatera d.o.o.

the dopamine spiking effects of ultra fast fashion are far outweighed by the wellbeing rewards of a capsule wardrobe, according to these less is more experts. in his 1994 book weniger, aber besser, the german industrial designer dieter rams famously wrote that "good design is as little as possible. less, but better, because it concentrates on the essential aspects". he was referring to the principles of product design, but this theory can just as easily be applied to our wardrobes   especially given that in the decades since rams' proclamation, there has been an alarming acceleration in the amount of clothes we buy, and a correlating decline in quality and durability. every year, somewhere between 80 billion and 150 billion new items of clothing are produced globally, while individually we now purchase five times as many clothes as we did in the 1980s, often wearing items some seven to 10 times before discarding them (a 36% decrease from 15 years ago). this is largely down to the proliferation of cleverly targeted online advertisements, an ever shifting trend cycle propelled by social media, and the burgeoning ultra fast fashion market which encourages buyers to purchase more for less, and reap the short lived, dopamine spiking rewards. that said, there's no denying that clothes have the power to make us feel good. "a lot of fashion is about newness," tiffanie darke, a fashion writer and sustainability strategist, tells the bbc. "we as creatures are always trying to move forward and renew ourselves   whether that's a new season, a new year's resolution or a new job. we want to progress ourselves personally, and clothes form a really important part of that." and darke, who is also interim ceo of smartworks   a charity that provides advice and donated clothing to women for employment interviews   has found that this can still be achieved with a "less is more" mentality. it is an approach that not only benefits the planet but also   according to a review by the journal of positive psychology titled minimalism, voluntary simplicity and wellbeing   our own mental health. in november 2022, a report published by the hot or cool institute revealed that in order for the fashion industry to meet the global target of limiting warming to 1.5c by 2030, british consumers must commit to buying no more than five new items of clothing a year. shocked by this statistic, darke set up the now viral rule of five campaign, inviting others to join her on her mission to buy just five new pieces annually (excluding socks and underwear), as well as four second hand purchases. "interestingly, even though i launched the campaign for climate reasons, by far the most overwhelming response from the people who opted to join me was that they were really sick of buying so much. people feel like their shopping has spun out of control: they're being manipulated to buy more and more, which ultimately leaves you feeling empty and bereft." in september of this year, darke published what to wear and why, a book that offers stomach churning insight into the damage that shopping addiction is wreaking on the planet, as well as how to compile a mindful, perennially stylish collection of clothes that will free you from the binds of fashion consumerism for good   all gleaned from her own experiences while adhering to the rule of five. the first step, she says, is establishing a capsule wardrobe   a curation of foundational pieces that are not only functional and designed to last but also fit you impeccably and ensure you feel your best. a proponent of what she calls the 80/20 rule (wherein 80% of your wardrobe is made up of "useful, basic classics" and the other 20% more expressive "personality pieces"), darke's wardrobe revolves around 10 key items, ranging from a white cotton shirt and a smart jacket to a pair of comfy trousers and a playful knit. more like this: • the aristocratic craft making a comeback • why sashiko is spreading beyond japan • how our 'inner artist' can keep us calm "my capsule wardrobe has been a really useful guideline," she says. "of course, it's different for everybody depending on your circumstances, your work, what climate you live in… but they say you're only actually wearing 10 or 20 items on a loop at any given time, according to the time of year. so a good starting point is to look at the things you wear all the time, which are usually super functional, and you'll soon figure out your own list." most of her ten new purchases over the past two years have been capsule items, she explains, as well as a pair of decidedly non sensible gold trousers and a "totally see through" black crochet skirt. another helpful handbook when it comes to conscientious shopping is how to wear everything, the new publication from kay barron, the fashion director of net a porter and mr porter. featuring contributions from some of fashion's biggest names including sarah jessica parker (talking shoes, no less), stylist law roach (responsible for zendaya's most iconic outfits) and jodie turner smith (a doyenne of colourful dressing), the book guides readers through the process of creating the perfect wardrobe, from the frequently dreaded task of finding the right jeans to understanding your personal style, plus tips on second hand shopping, dressing for special occasions and more. for barron, the best place to start is by performing what she has dubbed "the wardrobe edit"   a task she says must be undertaken "in a good mood, with lots of time and patience". "you pull everything out of your wardrobe and try it on," she tells the bbc. "then, once you've put together outfits made up of the things you like wearing, you can see what's missing." she suggests making a list of these "missing" items on your phone, and using this to inform your future purchases. indeed, one of barron's top tips is forward planning: "if you can afford to, it's better to buy something you love in that moment rather than shopping in a panic when you have a deadline like a holiday or a wedding. that's like shopping for food when you're hungover and hungry; it ends in really bad decisions and spending way more money!" the wardrobe edit has more than one purpose: it also allows you to "shop" among your existing purchases. "when you rediscover something amazing that you already own, it's the best feeling in the world," barron enthuses, adding that because trend cycles circle around so fast, it's a good idea to hold on to things like denim "because low slung boyfriend jeans and skinny jeans inevitably come back into fashion". tips for creating a capsule wardrobe: • 'shop' among your existing wardrobe • balance useful basics with 'personality pieces' • rental is a good way to experiment with looks darke also looks to her pre existing wardrobe for fresh ideas. "you only wear 30% of what you own, and even now i'm only wearing 50 or 60% of that," she says. "the rule of five inspires you to become much more creative and resourceful. you suddenly realise there are old dresses you haven't worn for ages that you could turn into something else." she notes, too, the new friendships she's forged since beginning the campaign, from the seamstress who helps her with alterations to the team at save your wardrobe who assist with everything from mending moth holes to giving old pieces new life. rental businesses like by rotation and my wardrobe hq are also an option that both experts advocate for, not only for one off events but also as a means of experimenting. "on social media, we're inundated with different people's styles   it's new, new, new all the time, and it's so easy to drown in it, to question what your own style is," says barron. "rental is a great, non committal way to try something." she also recommends starting small as a way of having fun and testing the waters for a new look, citing her new pair of "kermit the frog" heels in a lime green she says she "would never wear next to my skin or face". barron and darke aren't the only industry stalwarts currently campaigning for meaningful change without sacrificing the joy that clothing can spark. this year, the designer and great british sewing bee judge patrick grant released less: stop buying so much rubbish, a book exploring the rise of mass consumerism and the ways in which "having fewer, better things can make us happier". and the enoughness, an engaging new podcast by fashion editor melanie rickey, sees guests describe what "just right" (a reference to the goldilocks principle) looks like for them, and how achieving that balance has improved their lives. rickey's interviewees have so far included chef yotam ottelenghi, expounding upon his tiny kitchen arsenal, and sustainable fashion pioneers aja barber and brett staniland, who reveal their own methodologies when it comes to embracing a less is more wardrobe. "the show's aim is to gradually shift our mindset to buying less, but better, [and to experience that] as an exciting pursuit, a game with only positive consequences," rickey tells the bbc. "stopping the endless wanting has an incredibly positive effect on every other aspect of life." the main upshot, she notes, is that you make better decisions and feel better about making them. "doing esteemable things builds self esteem," she says, "and less stuff makes room for more money, more time for experiencing life, and more playtime with what you already have." darke wholeheartedly agrees. "you can't sell anything on the fact that it's sustainable alone   we live in a society where nobody wants to live with less. it's about looking at what you'll gain from this approach, aside from its positive impact on the planet. and what i would say is that a) you'll save a ton of money and b) it's a really interesting exercise in self knowledge. being limited with your options forces you to think about who you are as you move through the world, and what you want to look like as you do, and that is really empowering."    if you liked this story, sign up for the essential list newsletter   a handpicked selection of features, videos and can't miss news delivered to your inbox every friday. for more culture stories from the bbc, follow us on facebook, x and instagram. former paralympian steve brown visits paris ahead of the 2024 summer olympics and paralympics. professor richard thompson ford explores what our clothes reveal about us and our society. sashiko is a 400 year old japanese stitching technique. what makes it unique? how a practical sports shoe made the leap to become a highly desirable fashion item. what exactly inspires the haute couture designer and self confessed cobbler, manolo blahnik? it’s 2045 and we’re now living in a net zero society. this is the story of how we did it. hannah had all four limbs amputated at two years old to save her life after contracting meningitis. in a world of ‘fast fashion’ and a throwaway culture, what lessons can history teach us? the italian leather handbag has been a style icon for decades, and shows no signs of going away. does a dress really have the power to transform the way people see us? ukraine’s luxurious fake hair industry shows that no price is too high for the ultimate beauty accessory. korea invented the k beauty regimen, now it’s perfecting the art of semi permanent skin make up. why fashion styles repeat themselves. a mixed reality fashion show including computer animated skulls, tigers and lightning has taken place. how a copenhagen womenswear label is tackling sustainability and diversity. a look at the influence of some of the most iconic items in fashion. minori reinvented a japanese street fashion style that has a global following. the erlitou site, dating back to 3,800 years ago, offers crucial insights into early chinese civilisation. expert says the fed's 2 percent inflation target remains unattainable if wages continue to rise 4 to 5 percent. award winning actor sterling k brown reveals how he tried to play down his interest in j lo in front of his wife. the seating is being put in to encourage shoppers to stay in the area for longer. drax, which burns wood pellets, is required to report where it sources its wood from. he's an expert on all of nola's iconic foods but has a special place in his heart for gumbo. here are his favourite bowls   from cajun style brigsten's to the og at commander's palace. ahead of kendrick lamar's headline performance at the super bowl half time show, we explore the rapper's journey from the streets of compton to pop culture ubiquity. some species of birds like geese save energy by flying in close formation. airliners could use a similar trick to burn less fuel. copyright 2025 bbc. all rights reserved. the bbc is not responsible for the content of external sites. read about our approach to external linking.

we’re coming towards the end of the series on how to create a capsule wardrobe. a few bloggers who cover similar themes have asked why i haven’t charged for it or at least collected email addresses in return for the downloads so i thought i’d explain for others who are wondering. i’m very flattered that you think it’s worth charging for but there are two reasons why i haven’t. firstly, it’s been a way of giving something back to midlifechic readers who are always supportive when i write sponsored posts. i did a couple of extra ones in the run up to christmas which enabled me to dedicate january to this series, knowing that my blog costs are covered. secondly, i’m hoping that it may help us all to think about how many clothes we need. i appreciate that i’m in a lucky position of sometimes being gifted items by brands. it would be easy to accept far more than i do but i try to draw a line so that i have enough to feature on here to keep it fresh but not so much that it becomes unrealistic. it’s yet another of the reasons why i’ve stepped back from instagram recently   the acceptance of gifted clothing in order to fill feeds feels as though it’s getting out of hand. i could counterbalance it by going on and showing what i wear every day (which is very capsule related) and maybe i will when there are longer days to take photos. as it stands at the moment i barely open instagram because i find it makes me want to scream. so without meaning to sound too worthy, this series has also been an attempt to pull back on the overconsumption that surrounds us. if it means we all (me included) have a clear focus on what actually suits us and what we really need before the new season starts to drop then i’ve done something useful with this blog. oh   and on the email address thing, as a marketer i don’t want to store data. i will never sell it, share it or use it to flog stuff so there’s no point, it just gives me another gdpr headache. let’s move on. i’ve spent a lot of time in london this week having meetings and viewing new ss19 collections so soon we’ll be able to start talking about trends and what’s coming   although a lot of it still won’t land for another month. in the meantime, i want to carry on with identifying what works best for us as individuals so that we can avoid past mistakes. today is about silhouette which is something that’s been discussed a billion times but i want to get into detail.you see when we move on to the trend posts, i’ll be banging on about silhouette in new season terms but it’s completely irrelevant unless you know your own shape and how to apply what you see. and even if you decide to rebel and dress against it, there will be small details that are worth acknowledging. now i know there’s a bit of a backlash against using fruit terms going on at the moment. in this era of general outrage there seems to be a backlash against everything though and i don’t see fruit as being harmful so i’m sticking with it. plus these are the very first illustrations that mr mc ever did for my blog so i’m fond of them. i’m sure you probably already know which one is closest to your shape but if not, how do you work it out? well if you’re stuck (which i was when i started blogging), here’s an idea. get someone to take a quick photo of you dressed in something that outlines your shape. here’s mine from one of my very first posts in 2014 and i should probably have asked for the camera to be held a bit lower but the result would still have been the same. now, using tracing paper or just a thin sheet of a4, go over your outline. you should be able to see yourself much more clearly. measure any significant points   as you can see i wasn’t sure whether i was a neat hourglass or an inverted triangle so i compared the width of my shoulders with my hips to get the answer…inverted triangle i am. this instantly tells me that my shoulders dictate what i wear. if i try anything loose and unstructured, it simply hangs from this widest point making me look much bigger than i am. i therefore need to cinch things in at the waist and balance my shoulders with width at the hem if possible   hence my love of full skirts and flared trousers. once you’ve decided on your overall shape, the next thing is to assess your proportions. if your torso is longer than your legs (like mine), you are long waisted. if you’re the other way round with long legs and a shorter torso, you’re short waisted. one of the reasons that i almost always wear a low heel is to redress this balance. if i wear brogues or flat boots, i look dumpy despite the fact that i’m 5ft 8. for me a flat shoe has to have a low vamp (like a ballet flat) to help counter this by visually lengthening the leg. when you know whether you’re long or short bodied, you can also decide where to fix your waist. your natural waist is probably somewhere just below your navel. as a long bodied person i always try to place mine higher so that it sits at the bottom of my ribs. this is why i’ll always look better in something like a boden high waisted dress than hush’s low rise jeans. if you’re short bodied, you’ll be the other way round and low rise jeans or dropped waist dresses will be your friend. the next step is to understand what size frame you have. this has nothing to do with your weight   even if i went down to a size 6 (never going to happen!) i would still have a large frame. here’s the standard guide to understanding what you are: knowing your frame size can give you an idea on scale   it’s pretty logical but it suggests that smaller patterns/ checks / spots / stripes will probably work better on a smaller frame and may feel frumpy on a larger one. conversely a large pattern may well overwhelm a small frame. it can help to think about the scale of your frame in terms of accessories too. if you have a medium frame it makes sense to opt for medium scale accessories such as bags unless you’re playing with proportions to make a specific statement. knowing your frame size can also help to give you an idea of where to shop because retailers often design for their native country’s most standard frame. for example french and spanish brands such as sézane, maje, zara, massimo dutti etc tend to base their designs on a smaller frame size. scandi brands such as cos, arket, h&m veer towards the statuesque. when i did my q&a in the summer, i mentioned that it’s useful to know your horizontals and your break points. since then i’ve been asked repeatedly for more detail on this so here we go. look back at your outline drawing and assess your widest points. these are your horizontals and, as i mentioned when discussing my shoulders, if you allow fabric to hang from any of those spots it can make your whole body look wider than it is. if you’re a column shape you don’t really need to worry about it but if you’re curvy, it’s worth deciding how you want to dress these points. so for example i know that i need to avoid shoulder pads in jackets and that in summer a halterneck is my best neckline because it breaks up the expanse. there are great break points that will be completely unique to you and it’s worth knowing where they lie so that you can use them to elevate your outfits. for almost everybody, ankles and wrists are a given and a cropped trouser leg or a bracelet length sleeve is more flattering than full length. we’ve already talked about understanding the best break point for your waist. the next spots to consider are the break points for your legs so that you know exactly where a hem looks best   and it’s worth altering whatever you buy to fall at one of your points. so, ideally wearing opaque tights, grab a towel and stand in front of a mirror. holding the towel horizontally move it up and down your legs until you find the exact point that looks best for each of these (and note what a difference an inch can make): some people also define their best break point for sleeves. go back to your silhouette shot and look at the horizontals again. for most people (including me), a full length sleeve is level with the widest part of the hips   which is why a rolled up sleeve is such a popular styling trick for a blazer or shirt. not only does a long sleeve make you look wider, the solid block that it creates also cuts the body in half so if you’re long bodied, it makes your legs look shorter. now if i lived in a warm country i would always wear a shorter sleeve so that i didn’t create a visual break point at my widest part. as it is, i need to be warm so instead i always wear fitted sleeves to counteract it. if you think a bit more about the broadening effect of a horizontal line you realise why the asymmetric midi shows no sign of disappearing! petites column figures curvy figures pear shapes short waisted (your body is short in proportion to your legs) long waisted broad shoulders necklines so, next week i’ll bring all of this to a close   i hope it’s been useful and also a bit of fun. i’ve just read through this and i think i sound a bit weary   which i am. it’s been a long week with lots of strategy meetings. both big national and small local clients are finding it really hard to get going this year because of the uncertainty surrounding brexit. that, of course, makes it difficult to develop plans for them… which makes it difficult for anybody running a business… well just difficult for anybody really. i’m sorry to mention the b word but i do always say that this blog needs to be a snapshot of life for my great grandchildren to reflect on. anyway, let me just share the highlight of my week with you. on tuesday i had a day of seven solid meetings back to back but at the end of it all there was light. i had dinner with gillian h who has been a reader since the very beginning and often posts in the comments. we both travel to london regularly and for once our stars aligned and we got together. we chatted for almost six hours solid and i have to say it’s been a while since i’ve shared not one but two bottles of wine on a work night! anyway here we are at the end of it looking a bit bleary but you’ll be pleased to know that we’d solved most of the world’s problems in the course of our chat. new friends are one of the most unexpected pleasures to come from this blog. we haven’t had a book recommendation for ages so here’s a topical ‘state of the nation’ one that i enjoyed over christmas: if you want it quickly small bookshop alternative while we’re on the theme of bookshops (and the state of the nation), here’s a sign from a bookshop window that’s been doing the rounds on twitter: and here i am today   at least it isn’t as cold as it has been recently   the nights are getting lighter and the snowdrops are almost out so hope lies ahead. hush long grey cardigan aw15; jumper; m&s scarf aw18; trousers (now in the sale   gaw18); boots (gaw18) have a lovely weekend   thank you, as always, for reading   i’ll be back on tuesday. how to build a capsule wardrobe part 4   defining your style icon how to build a capsule wardrobe part 3   colour and texture how to build a capsule wardrobe part 2   defining your personal look how to build a capsule wardrobe part 1   wardrobe reality check new year, new plans at midlifechic sale prepping   my best high street winter buys name email disclaimer: as with the majority of blogs, products featured on midlifechic sometimes (but not always) include affiliate links. this means that if you choose to make a purchase, you are helping to support the site because a small referral commission may be paid. this contributes towards hosting fees, software costs, site maintenance and other plug ins. midlifechic could not exist without these small payments, so every contribution makes a big difference.

cognitive research: principles and implications volume 5, article number: 46 (2020) cite this article 273k accesses 114 citations 33 altmetric metrics details traditionally, architectural practice has been dominated by the eye/sight. in recent decades, though, architects and designers have increasingly started to consider the other senses, namely sound, touch (including proprioception, kinesthesis, and the vestibular sense), smell, and on rare occasions, even taste in their work. as yet, there has been little recognition of the growing understanding of the multisensory nature of the human mind that has emerged from the field of cognitive neuroscience research. this review therefore provides a summary of the role of the human senses in architectural design practice, both when considered individually and, more importantly, when studied collectively. for it is only by recognizing the fundamentally multisensory nature of perception that one can really hope to explain a number of surprising crossmodal environmental or atmospheric interactions, such as between lighting colour and thermal comfort and between sound and the perceived safety of public space. at the same time, however, the contemporary focus on synaesthetic design needs to be reframed in terms of the crossmodal correspondences and multisensory integration, at least if the most is to be made of multisensory interactions and synergies that have been uncovered in recent years. looking to the future, the hope is that architectural design practice will increasingly incorporate our growing understanding of the human senses, and how they influence one another. such a multisensory approach will hopefully lead to the development of buildings and urban spaces that do a better job of promoting our social, cognitive, and emotional development, rather than hindering it, as has too often been the case previously. architecture exerts a profound influence over our well being, given that the majority of the world’s population living in urban areas spend something like 95% of their time indoors. however, the majority of architecture is designed for the eye of the beholder, and tends to neglect the non visual senses of hearing, smell, touch, and even taste. this neglect may be partially to blame for a number of problems faced by many in society today including everything from sick building syndrome (sbs) to seasonal affective disorder (sad), not to mention the growing problem of noise pollution. however, in order to design buildings and environments that promote our health and well being, it is necessary not only to consider the impact of the various senses on a building’s inhabitants, but also to be aware of the way in which sensory atmospheric/environmental cues interact. multisensory perception research provides relevant insights concerning the rules governing sensory integration in the perception of objects and events. this review extends that approach to the understanding of how multisensory environments and atmospheres affect us, in part depending on how we cognitively interpret, and/or attribute, their sources. it is argued that the confusing notion of synaesthetic design should be replaced by an approach to multisensory congruency that is based on the emerging literature on crossmodal correspondences instead. ultimately, the hope is that such a multisensory approach, in transitioning from the laboratory to the real world application domain of architectural design practice, will lead on to the development of buildings and urban spaces that do a better job of promoting our social, cognitive, and emotional development, rather than hindering it, as has too often been the case previously. we are visually dominant creatures (hutmacher, 2019; levin, 1993; posner, nissen, & klein, 1976). that is, we all mostly tend to think, reason, and imagine visually. as finnish architect pallasmaa (1996) noted almost a quarter of a century ago in his influential work the eyes of the skin: architecture and the senses, architects have traditionally been no different in this regard, designing primarily for the eye of the beholder (bille & sørensen, 2018; pallasmaa, 1996, 2011; rybczynski, 2001; williams, 1980). elsewhere, pallasmaa (1994, p. 29) writes that: “the architecture of our time is turning into the retinal art of the eye. architecture at large has become an art of the printed image fixed by the hurried eye of the camera.” the famous swiss architect le corbusier (1991, p. 83) went even further in terms of his unapologetically oculocentric outlook, writing that: “i exist in life only if i can see”, going on to state that: “i am and i remain an impenitent visual everything is in the visual” and “one needs to see clearly in order to understand”. commenting on the current situation, canadian designer bruce mau put it thus: “we have allowed two of our sensory domains sight and sound to dominate our design imagination. in fact, when it comes to the culture of architecture and design, we create and produce almost exclusively for one sense the visual.” (mau, 2018, p. 20; see also blesser & salter, 2007). such visual dominance makes sense or, at the very least, can be explained or accounted for neuroscientifically (hutmacher, 2019; meijer, veselič, calafiore, & noppeney, 2019). after all, it turns out that far more of our brains are given over to the processing of what we see than to dealing with the information from any of our other senses (gallace, ngo, sulaitis, & spence, 2012). for instance, according to felleman and van essen (1991), more than half of the cortex is engaged in the processing of visual information (see also eberhard, 2007, p. 49; palmer, 1999, p. 24; though note that others believe that the figure is closer to one third). this figure compares to something like just 12% of the cortex primarily dedicated to touch, around 3% to hearing, and less than 1% given over to the processing of the chemical senses of smell and taste.footnote 1 information theorists such as zimmerman (1989) arrived at a similar hierarchy, albeit with a somewhat different weighting for each of the five main senses. in particular, zimmermann estimated a channel capacity (in bits/s) of 107 for vision, 106 for touch, 105 for hearing and olfaction, and 103 for taste (gustation). figure 1 schematically illustrates the hierarchy of attentional capture by each of the senses as envisioned by morton heilig, the inventor of the sensorama, the world’s first multisensory virtual reality apparatus (heilig, 1962), when writing about the multisensory future of cinema in an article first published in 1955 (see heilig, 1992). nevertheless, while commentators from many different disciplines would seem to agree on vision’s current pre eminence, one cannot help but wonder what has been lost as a result of the visual dominance that one sees wherever one looks in the world of architecture (“see” and “look” being especially apposite terms here). heilig (1992) ranked the order in which he believed our attention to be captured by the various senses. according to heilig’s rankings: vision, 70%; audition, 20%; olfaction, 5%; touch, 4%; and taste, 1%. does the same hierarchy (and weighting) apply to our appreciation of architecture, one might wonder? and is attentional capture the most relevant metric anyway? while the hegemony of the visual (see levin, 1993) is a phenomenon that appears across most aspects of our daily lives, the very ubiquity of this phenomenon certainly does not mean that the dominance of the visual should not be questioned (e.g., dunn, 2017; hutmacher, 2019). for, as finnish architect and theoretician pallasmaa (2011, p. 595) notes: “spaces, places, and buildings are undoubtedly encountered as multisensory lived experiences. instead of registering architecture merely as visual images, we scan our settings by the ears, skin, nose, and tongue.” elsewhere, he writes that: “architecture is the art of reconciliation between ourselves and the world, and this mediation takes place through the senses” (pallasmaa, 1996, p. 50; see also böhme, 2013). we will return later to question the visual dominance account, highlighting how our experience of space, as of anything else, is much more multisensory than most people realize. while architectural practice has traditionally been dominated by the eye/sight, a growing number of architects and designers have, in recent decades, started to consider the role played by the other senses, namely sound, touch (including proprioception, kinesthesis, and the vestibular sense), smell, and, on rare occasions, even taste. it is, then, clearly important that we move beyond the merely visual (not to mention modular) focus in architecture that has been identified in the writings of juhani pallasmaa and others, to consider the contribution that is made by each of the other senses (e.g., eberhard, 2007; malnar & vodvarka, 2004). reviewing this literature constitutes the subject matter of the next section. however, beyond that, it is also crucial to consider the ways in which the senses interact too. as will be stressed later, to date there has been relatively little recognition of the growing understanding of the multisensory nature of the human mind that has emerged from the field of cognitive neuroscience research in recent decades (e.g., calvert, spence, & stein, 2004; stein, 2012). the principal aim of this review is therefore to provide a summary of the role of the human senses in architectural design practice, both when considered individually and, more importantly, when the senses are studied collectively. for it is only by recognizing the fundamentally multisensory nature of perception that one can really hope to explain a number of surprising crossmodal environmental or atmospheric interactions, such as between lighting colour and thermal comfort (spence, 2020a) or between sound and the perceived safety of public spaces (sayin, krishna, ardelet, decré, & goudey, 2015), that have been reported in recent years. at the same time, however, this review also highlights how the contemporary focus on synaesthetic design in architecture (see pérez gómez, 2016) needs to be reframed in terms of the crossmodal correspondences (see spence, 2011, for a review), at least if the most is to be made of multisensory interactions and synergies that affect us all. later, i want to highlight how accounts of multisensory interactions in architecture in terms of synaesthesia tend to confuse matters, rather than to clarify them. accounting for our growing understanding of crossmodal interactions (specifically the emerging field of crossmodal correspondences research) and multisensory integration will help to explain how it is that our senses conjointly contribute to delivering our multisensory (and not just visual) experience of space. one other important issue that will be discussed later is the role played by our awareness of the multisensory atmosphere of the indoor environments in which we spend so much of our time. looking to the future, the hope is that architectural design practice will increasingly incorporate our growing understanding of the human senses, and how they influence one another. such a multisensory approach will hopefully lead to the development of buildings and urban spaces that do a better job of promoting our social, cognitive, and emotional development, rather than hindering it, as has too often been the case previously. before going any further, though, it is worth highlighting a number of the negative outcomes for our well being that have been linked to the sensory aspects of the environments in which we spend so much of our time. it has been suggested that the rise in sick building syndrome (sbs) in recent decades (love, 2018) can be put down to neglect of the olfactory aspect of the interior environments where city dwellers have been estimated to spend 95% of their lives (e.g., ott & roberts, 1998; velux yougov report, 2018; wargocki, 2001). indeed, as of 2010, more people around the globe lived in cities than lived in rural areas (see un habitat, 2010 and united nations department of economic and social affairs, 2018). one might also be tempted to ask what responsibility, if any, architects bear for the high incidence of seasonal affective disorder (sad) that has been documented in northern latitudes (cox, 2017; heerwagen, 1990; rosenthal, 2019; rosenthal et al., 1984). to give a sense of the problem of “light hunger” (as heerwagen, 1990, refers to it), terman (1989) claimed that as many as 2 million people in manhattan alone experience seasonal affective and behavioural changes severe enough to require some form of additional light stimulation during the winter months. according to pallasmaa (1994, p. 34), luis barragán, the self taught mexican architect famed for his geometric use of bright colour (gregory, 2016) felt that most contemporary houses would be more pleasant with only half their window surface. however, while such a suggestion might well be appropriate in mexico, where barragán’s work is to be found, many of us (especially those living in northern latitudes in the dark winter months) need as much natural light as we can obtain to maintain our psychological well being. that said, barragán is not alone in his appreciation of darkness and shadow. some years ago, japanese writer junichirō tanizaki also praised the aesthetic appeal of shadow and darkness in the native architecture of his home country in his extended essay on aesthetics, in praise of shadows (tanizaki, 2001). one of the problems with the extensive use of windows in northern climates is related to poor heat retention, an issue that is becoming all the more prominent in the era of sustainable design and global warming. one solution to this particular problem that has been put forward by a number of technology minded researchers is simply to replace windows by the use of large screens that relay a view of nature for those who, for whatever reason, have to work in windowless offices (kahn jr. et al., 2008). however, the limited research that has been conducted on this topic to date suggests that the beneficial effects of being seated near to the window in an office building cannot easily be captured by seating workers next to such video screens instead. similarly, the failure to fully consider the auditory aspects of architectural design may help to explain some part of the global health crisis associated with noise pollution interfering with our sleep, health, and well being (owen, 2019). the neglect of architecture’s fundamental role in helping to maintain our well being is a central theme in pérez gómez’s (2016) influential book attunement: architectural meaning after the crisis of modern science. pérez gómez is the director of the history and theory of architecture program at mcgill university in canada. along similar lines, geographer j. douglas porteous had already noted some years earlier that: “notwithstanding the holistic nature of environmental experience, few researchers have attempted to interpret it in a very holistic [or multisensory] manner.” (porteous, 1990, p. 201). finally, here, it is perhaps also worth noting that there are even some researchers who have wanted to make a connection between the global obesity crisis and the obesogenic environments that so many of us inhabit (lieberman, 2006). the poor diet of multisensory stimulation that we experience living a primary indoor life has also been linked to the growing sleep crisis apparently facing so many people in society today (walker, 2018). researchers working in the field of environmental psychology have long stressed the impact that the sensory features of the built environment have on us (e.g., mehrabian & russell, 1974, for an influential early volume detailing this approach). indeed, many years ago, the famous modernist swiss architect le corbusier (1948) made the intriguing suggestion that architectural forms “work physiologically upon our senses.” inspired by early work with the semantic differential technique, researchers would often attempt to assess the approach avoidance, active passive, and dominant submissive qualities of a building or urban space. this approach was based on the pleasure, arousal, and dominance (pad) model that has long been dominant in the field. however, it is important to stress that in much of their research, the environmental psychologists took a separate sense by sense approach (e.g., zardini, 2005). the majority of researchers have tended to focus their empirical investigations on studying the impact of changing the stimulation presented to just one sense at a time. more often than not, in fact, they would focus on a single sensory attribute, such as, for example, investigating the consequences of changing the colour (hue) of the lighting or walls (e.g., bellizzi, et al., 1983; bellizzi & hite, 1992; costa, frumento, nese, & predieri, 2018; crowley, 1993), or else just modulating the brightness of the ambient lighting (e.g., gal, wheeler, & shiv, 2007; xu & labroo, 2014). such a unisensory (and, in some cases, unidimensional) approach undoubtedly makes sense inasmuch as it may help to simplify the problem of studying how design affects us (malnar & vodvarka, 2004). what is more, such an approach is also entirely in tune with the modular approach to mind that was so popular in the fields of psychology and cognitive neuroscience in the closing decades of the twentieth century (e.g., barlow & mollon, 1982; fodor, 1983). at the same time, however, it can be argued that this sense by sense approach neglects the fundamentally multisensory nature of mind, and the many interactions that have been shown to take place between the senses. the visually dominant approach to research in the field of environmental psychology also means that far less attention has been given over to studying the impact of the auditory (e.g., blesser & salter, 2007; kang et al., 2016; schafer, 1977; southworth, 1969; thompson, 1999), tactile, somatosensory or embodied (e.g., heschong, 1979; pallasmaa, 1996; pérez gómez, 2016), or even the olfactory qualities of the built environment (e.g., bucknell, 2018; drobnick, 2002, 2005; henshaw, mclean, medway, perkins, & warnaby, 2018) than on the impact of the visual. furthermore, until very recently, little consideration has been given by the environmental psychologists to the question of how the senses interact, one with another, in terms of their influence on an individual. this neglect is particularly striking given that the natural environment, the built environment, and the atmosphere of a space are nothing if not multisensory (e.g., bille & sørensen, 2018). in fact, it is no exaggeration to say that our response to the environments, in which we find ourselves, be they built or natural, is always going to be the result of the combined influence of all the senses that are being stimulated, no matter whether we are aware of their influence or not (this is a point to which we will return later). given that those of us living in urban environments, which as we have seen is now the majority of us, spend more than 95% of our lives indoors (ott & roberts, 1998), architects would therefore seem to bear at least some responsibility for ensuring that the multisensory attributes of the built environment work together to deliver an experience that positively stimulates the senses, and, by so doing, facilitates our well being, rather than hinders it (see also pérez gómez, 2016, on this theme). crucially, however, a growing body of cognitive neuroscience research now demonstrates that while we are often unaware of, or at least pay little conscious attention to the subtle sensory cues that may be conveyed by a space (e.g., forster & spence, 2018), that certainly does not mean that they do not affect us. in fact, the sensory qualities or attributes of the environment have long been known to affect our health and well being in environments as diverse as the hospital and the home, and from the office to the gym (e.g., spence, 2002, 2003, 2021; spence & keller, 2019). what is more, according to the research that has been published to date, environmental multisensory stimulation can potentially affect us at the social, emotional, and cognitive levels. it can be argued, therefore, that we all need to pay rather more attention to our senses and the way in which they are being stimulated than we do at present (see also pérez gómez, 2016, on this theme). you can call it a mindful approach to the senses (kabat zinn, 2005),footnote 2 though my preferred terminology, coined in an industry report published almost 20 years ago, is “sensism” (see spence, 2002). sensism provides a key to greater well being by considering the senses holistically, as well as how they interact, and incorporating that understanding into our everyday lives. the approach also builds on the growing evidence of the nature effect (williams, 2017) and the fact that we appear to benefit from, not to mention actually desire, the kinds of environments in which our species evolved. as support for the latter claim, consider only how it has recently emerged that most people set their central heating to a fairly uniform 17 23 °c, meaning that the average indoor temperature and humidity most closely matches the mild outdoor conditions of west central kenya or the ethiopian highlands (i.e., the place where human life is first thought to have evolved), better than anywhere else (just, nichols, & dunn, 2019; whipple, 2019). it is certainly not the case that architects have uniformly ignored the non visual senses (e.g., see howes, 2005, 2014; mcluhan, 1961; pallasmaa, 1994, 2011; ragavendira, 2017). for instance, in their 2004 book on sensory design, malnar and vodvarka talk about challenging visual dominance in architectural design practice by giving a more equal weighting to all of the senses (malnar & vodvarka, 2004; see also mau, 2019). meanwhile, howes (2014) writes of the sensory monotony of the bungalow filled suburbs and of the corporeal experience of skyscrapers as their presence looms up before those on the sidewalk below. at the same time, however, there is also a sense in which it is the gaze of the inhabitants of those tall buildings who are offered the view that is prioritized over the other senses. however, very often the approach as, in fact, evidenced by malnar and vodvarka (2004) has been to work one sense at a time. until recently, that is, one finds exactly the same kind of sense by sense (or unisensory) approach in the worlds of interior design (bailly dunne & sears, 1998), advertising (lucas & britt, 1950), marketing (hultén, broweus, & dijk, 2009; krishna, 2013; lindstrom, 2005), and atmospherics (see bille & sørensen, 2018, on architectural atmospherics; and kotler, 1974, on the theme of store atmospherics). recently, there has been a growing recognition of the importance of the non visual senses to various fields of design (haverkamp, 2014; lupton & lipps, 2018; malnar & vodvarka, 2004). as yet, however, there has not been sufficient recognition of the extent to which the senses interact. as williams (1980, p. 5) noted some 40 years ago: “aside from meeting common standards of performance, architects do little creatively with acoustical, thermal, olfactory, and tactile sensory responses.” as we will see later, it is not clear that much has changed since. there are a number of ways in which visual perception science can be linked to architectural design practice. for instance, think only of the tricks played on the eyes by the trapezoidal balconies on the famous the future apartment building in manhattan (see fig. 2). they appear to slant downward when viewed from one side while appearing to slope upward instead, if viewed from the other. the causes of such a visual illusion can, at the very least, be meaningfully explained in terms of visual perception research (bruno & pavani, 2018). the future apartment building at 200 east 32nd street in manhattan. architectural design that appeals primarily to the eye? [credit jeffrey zeldman, and reprinted under creative commons agreement] cognitive neuroscientists have recently demonstrated that we have an innate preference for visual curvature, be it in internal space (vartanian et al., 2013), or for the furniture that is found within that space (dazkir & read, 2012; see also lee, 2018; thömmes & hübner, 2018). we typically rate curvilinear forms as being more approachable than rectilinear ones (see fig. 3). angular forms, especially when pointing downward/toward us, may well be perceived as threatening, and hence are somewhat more likely to trigger an avoidance response (salgado montejo, salgado, alvarado, & spence, 2017). as ingrid lee, former design director at ideo new york put it in her book, joyful: the surprising power of ordinary things to create extraordinary happiness: “angular objects, even if they’re not directly in your path as you move through your home, have an unconscious effect on your emotions. they may look chic and sophisticated, but they inhibit our playful impulses. round shapes do just the opposite. a circular or elliptical coffee table changes a living room from a space for sedate, restrained interaction to a lively center for conversation and impromptu games” (lee, 2018, p. 142). one might consider here whether lee’s comments can be scaled up to describe how we move through the city. does the visually striking building shown in fig. 4, for instance, really promote joyfulness and a carefree travel through the urban environment. it seems doubtful, given the evidence suggesting that viewing angular shapes, even briefly, has been shown to trigger a fear response in the amygdala, the part of the brain that is involved in emotion (e.g., ledoux, 2003). meanwhile, liu, bogicevic, and mattila (2018) have noted how the round versus angular nature of the servicescape also influences the consumer response in service encounters. a selection of the interiors shown to participants in a neuroimaging study designed to assess viewers’ approach avoidance motivation in response to curvilinear vs. rectilinear spaces. [high/low roof; open/enclosed space.] [figure reprinted with permission from vartanian et al., 2013] montcalm shoreditch signature tower hotel, 151 157 city road, london, completed 2015 by smc alsop architects. what is lost when architectural design focuses on eye appeal? [figure copyright ian ritchie, ra] the height of the ceiling has also been shown to exert an influence over our approach avoidance responses, and perhaps even our style of thinking (baird, cassidy, & kurr, 1978; meyers levy & zhu, 2007; vartanian et al., 2015). however, here it should also be born in mind that the visual perception of space is significantly influenced by colour and lighting (lam, 1992; manav, kutlu, & küçükdoğu, 2010; oberfeld, hecht, & gamer, 2010; von castell, hecht, & oberfeld, 2018). given many such psychological observations, it should perhaps come as no surprise to find that links between cognitive neuroscience and architecture have grown rapidly in recent years (choo, nasar, nikrahei, & walther, 2017; eberhard, 2007; mallgrave, 2011; robinson & pallasmaa, 2015). at the same time, however, it is also worth remembering that it has primarily been people’s response to examples or styles of architecture that have been presented visually (via a monitor), with the participant lying horizontal, that have been studied to date, given the confines of the brain scanning environment (though see also papale, chiesi, rampinini, pietrini, & ricciardi, 2016).footnote 3 at the same time, however, it is important to realize that it is not just our visual cortex that responds to architecture. for, as frances anderton writes in the architectural review: “we appreciate a place not just by its impact on our visual cortex but by the way in which it sounds, it feels and smells. some of these sensual experiences elide, for instance our full understanding of wood is often achieved by a perception of its smell, its texture (which can be appreciated by both looking and feeling) and by the way in which it modulates the acoustics of the space.” (anderton, 1991, p. 27). the multisensory appreciation of quality here linking to a growing body of research on multisensory shitsukan perception   shitsukan, the japanese word for “a sense of material quality” or “material perception” (see fujisaki, 2020; komatsu & goda, 2018; spence, 2020b). the following sub sections summarize some of the key findings on how the non visual sensory attributes of the built and urban environment affect us, when considered individually. what a space sounds like is undoubtedly important (bavister, lawrence, & gage, 2018; mcluhan, 1961; porteous & mastin, 1985; thompson, 1999). sounds can, after all, provide subtle cues as to the identity or proportions of a space, even hinting at its function (blesser & salter, 2007; eberhard, 2007; robart & rosenblum, 2005). as pallasmaa (1994, p. 31) notes: “every building or space has its characteristic sound of intimacy or monumentality, rejection or invitation, hospitality or hostility.” however, more often than not, discussion around sound and architectural design tends to revolve around how best to avoid, or minimize, unwanted noise (see owen, 2019, on growing concerns regarding the latter). indeed, as j. douglas porteous notes: “with the rapid urbanization of the world’s population, far more attention is being given to noise than to environmental sound … research has concentrated almost entirely upon a single aspect of sound, the concept of noise or ‘unwanted sound.’” (porteous, 1990, p. 48). some years earlier, schafer (1977, p. 222) had made much the same point when he wrote that: “the modern architect is designing for the deaf …. the study of sound enters modern architecture schools only as sound reduction, isolation and absorption.” the fact that year on year, noise continues to be one of the top complaints from restaurant patrons, perhaps tells us all we need to know about how successful designers have been in this regard (see spence, 2014, for a review; wagner, 2018). there is also an emerging story here regarding the deleterious effects of loud background noise, and the often beneficial effects of music and soundscapes, on the recovery of patients in the hospital/healthcare setting (see spence & keller, 2019, for a review). meanwhile, one of the main complaints from those office workers forced to move into one of the open plan offices that have become so popular (amongst employers, if not employees) in recent years (see ‘redesigning the corporate office’, 2019) is around noise distraction (borzykowski, 2017; burkus, 2016; evans & johnson, 2000).footnote 4 once again, one might want to ask what responsibility architects bear. experimental evidence documenting the deleterious effect of open plan working has been reported by a number of researchers (e.g., bernstein & turban, 2018; de croon, sluiter, kuijer, & frings dresen, 2005; otterbring, pareigis, wästlund, makrygiannis, & lindström, 2018). there is research ongoing in a number of countries to investigate the use of nature sounds, such as, for example, the sound of running water, to help mask other people’s distracting conversations (hongisto, varjo, oliva, haapakangas, & benway, 2017). intriguingly, however, it turns out that people’s beliefs about the source of masking sounds, especially in the case of ambiguous noise, can sometimes influence how much relief they provide (haga, halin, holmgren, & sörqvist, 2016). so, for instance, haga and her colleagues played the same ambiguous pink noise with interspersed white noise to three groups of office workers. to one control group, the experimenters said nothing, a second group of participants was told that they could hear industrial machinery noise, while a third group was told that they were listening to nature sounds, based on a waterfall, instead. intriguingly, subjective restoration was significantly higher amongst those who thought that they were listening to the nature sounds than in those who thought that they were listening to industrial noise instead. as might have been expected, the results of the control group, fell somewhere in between. paley park in new york has often been put forward as a particularly elegant solution to the problem of negating unwanted traffic noise in the context of urban design (e.g., carroll, 1967; prochnik, 2009). in 1967, the empty lot resulting from the demolition of the stork club on 53rd street was transformed into a small public park (a so called pocket park). the space was developed by zion and breen. in this case, the acoustic space, think only of the sounds, or better said noise, of the city, is effectively masked by the presence of a waterfall at the far end of the lot (see fig. 5). what is more, the free standing chairs allow the visitor to move closer to the waterfall should they feel the need to drown out a little more of the urban noise. the greenery growing thickly along the side walls also likely helps to absorb the noise of the city. paley park, new york, by zion and breen in 1967. [credit jim henderson, and reprinted under creative commons agreement] music plays an important role in our experience of the built environment   think here only of the muzak of decades gone by (lanza, 2004). this is as true of the guest’s hotel experience (e.g., when entering the lobby) as it is elsewhere (e.g., in a shopping centre or bar, say).footnote 5 the sound that greets customers in the lobby is apparently very important to ian schrager, the brooklyn born entrepreneur who created fabled nightclub studio 54 in new york. in recent years, he has been working with marriott to launch the edition hotels in a number of major cities, including london and new york. music plays a key role in the schrager experience. as the entrepreneur puts it: “the sound of a hotel lobby is often dictated by monotonous, vapid lounge muzak   a zombie like drone of new jazz and polite house, with the sole purpose of whiling away the waiting time between check in and check out.” as might have been expected, the music in the lobbies of the edition hotels is carefully curated (eriksen, 2014, p. 27). however, the thumping noise of the music from the nightclub/bar that is often also an integral part of the experience offered by these hip venues means that meticulous architectural design is also required in order to limit the spread of unwanted noise through the rest of the building (e.g., so as not to disturb the sleep of those who may be resting in the rooms upstairs). note here that there are also some increasingly sophisticated solutions   including sound absorbing panels, as well as active noise cancellation systems   to dampen unwanted sound in open spaces such as restaurants and offices (clynes, 2012). the tactile element of architecture is often ignored. in fact, very often, the first point of physical contact with a building typically occurs when we enter or leave. or, as pallasmaa (1994, p. 33) once evocatively put it: “the door handle is the handshake of the building”. however, once inside a building, it is worth remembering that we will also typically make contact with flooring (tonetto, klanovicz, & spence, 2014), hand rails (spence, 2020d), elevator buttons, furniture, and the like (though this is, of course, likely to change somewhat in the era of pandemia). as richard sennett, author of flesh and stone, laments in his critical take on the sensory order of modernity: “sensory deprivation which seems to curse most modern buildings; the dullness, the monotony, and the tactile sterility which afflicts the urban environment” (sennett, 1994, p. 15). the absence of tactile interest is also something that witold rybczynski author of the look of architecture acknowledges when writing that: “although architecture is often defined in terms of abstractions such as space, light and volume, buildings are above all physical artifacts. the experience of architecture is palpable: the grain of wood, the veined surface of marble, the cold precision of steel, the textured pattern of brick.” (rybczynski, 2001, p. 89). notice here how rybczynski mentions both texture and temperature, two of the key attributes of tactile sensation(see also henderson, 1939). temperature change, and change in the flooring material (tatami matting or cedarwood), is also something that the tom museum for the blind in tokyo also plays with deliberately (classen, 1998, p. 150; vorreiter, 1989; wagner, 1989). there is also a braille poen on the knob of the exit door too. the careful use of material can evoke tactility as the viewer (or occupant) imagines or mentally simulates what it would feel like to reach out and touch or caress an intriguing surface (sigsworth, 2019; see also lupton, 2002). juhani pallasmaa, who has perhaps written more than anyone else on the theme of the tactile, or haptic in architecture, writes that “natural materials   stone, brick and wood   allow the gaze to penetrate their surfaces and they enable us to become convinced of the veracity of matter … but the materials of today   sheets of glass, enamelled metal and synthetic materials   present their unyielding surfaces to the eye without conveying anything of their material essence or age.” (pallasmaa, 1994, p. 29). lisa heschong, architect, and partner of architectural research firm heschong mahone group, has written extensively on the theme of thermal (as opposed to textural) aspects of architectural design in her book thermal delight in architecture (heschong, 1979). there, she points to examples such as the hearth, the sauna, and roman and japanese baths as archetypes of thermal delight about which rituals have developed, the shared experience reinforcing social bonds of affection and ceremony (see also lupton, 2002; papale et al., 2016). at this point, one might also want to mention the much admired therme vals spa by peter zumthor, in switzerland with their use of different temperatures of both water and touchable surfaces (ryan, 1997, though see also mairs, 2017). the tactile element is, in other words, fundamental to the total (multisensory) experience of architectural design. this is true no matter whether the materiality is touched directly or not (i.e., merely seen, inferred, or imagined). so, for example, here one might only think about how looking at a cheap fake marble or wood veneer can make one feel, to realize that touch in often not required to assess material quality, or the lack thereof (see also karana, 2010). talking of an architecture of scent, or of taste (these two of the so called chemical senses), might seem like a step too far. that said, one does come across titles such as eating architecture (horwitz & singley, 2004) and an architecture of smell (mccarthy, 1996; see also barbara & perliss, 2006).footnote 6 unfortunately, however, all too often, consideration of the olfactory in architectural design practice has focused on the elimination of negative odours. when thinking about the mundane experience of odours in buildings, what immediately comes to mind includes the smell of wood (i.e., building materials), dust, mould, cleaning products, and flowers. as eberhard (2007, p. 47) puts it: “we all have our favorite smells in a building, as well as ones that are considered noxious. a cedar closet in the bedroom is an easy example of a good smell. the terrible smell of a house that was ravaged by fire or floods is seared in the memory of those who have endured one of these disasters.” this is perhaps no coincidence, given that it tends to be the bad odours, rather than the neutral or positive ones, that have generally proved most effective in immersing us in an experience (baus & bouchard, 2017; see also aggleton & waskett, 1999). research by schifferstein, talke, and oudshoorn (2011) investigated whether the nightlife experience could be enhanced by the use of pleasant fragrance to mask the stale odour after the indoor smoking ban was introduced a few years ago. once again, notice how the focus here is on the elimination of the negative stale odours rather than necessarily the introduction of the positive (the latter merely being introduced in order to mask the former). jim drohnik captures the idea of olfactory absence when talking about not just the “white cube” mentality but the “anosmic cube” (drobnick, 2005). the former phrase was famously coined by o’doherty (1999, 2009) in order to describe the then popular practice of displaying art in gallery spaces that were devoid of colour or any other form of visual distraction.footnote 7 some years later, jim drobnik introduced the latter phrase in order to highlight the fact that too many spaces are seemingly deliberately designed to have no smell, nor to leave any lasting olfactory trace, either.footnote 8 and yet, at the same time, it is clear that odour of a space can be incredibly evocative too, as anecdotally noted by pallasmaa (1994, p. 32) in the following quote: “the strongest memory of a space is often its odor; i cannot remember the appearance of the door to my grandfather’s farm house from my early childhood, but i do remember the resistance of its weight, the patina of its wood surface scarred by a half century of use, and i recall especially the scent of home that hit my face as an invisible wall behind the door.” and thinking back to my memories of visiting my own grandfather, long since deceased, on his fairground wagon in bradford, it was undoubtedly the intense smell of “derv” (english slang for diesel engine road vehicle), the liquid diesel oil that was used for trucks at the time, that i can still remember better than anything else. the residents of buildings tend to adapt to the positive and neutral smells in the buildings we inhabit. this is evidenced by the fact that we are typically only aware of the smell of our own home, what some call building odour, or bo for short, when we return after a long trip away (dalton & wysocki, 1996; mccooey, 2008). improving indoor air quality might well also provide an effective means of helping to alleviate some of the symptoms of sick building syndrome (sbs) that were mentioned earlier (guieysse et al., 2008). it is certainly striking how many large outbreaks of this still mysterious condition reported in the 1980s were linked to the presence of an unfamiliar smell in closed office buildings with little natural ventilation (wargocki, wyon, baik, clausen, & fanger, 1999; wargocki, wyon, sundell, clausen, & fanger, 2000). for instance, in june 1986, more that 12% of the workforce of 2500 people working at the harry s. truman state office building in missouri came down with the symptoms of sbs over a 3 day period (donnell jr. et al., 1989). the symptoms presented by some of the workers (including dizziness and difficulty in breathing) were so severe they had to be rushed to the local hospital for emergency treatment. and while a thorough examination of the building subsequently failed to reveal the presence of any particular toxic airborne pollutants that might have been responsible for the outbreak, in the majority of cases, it turned out that the symptoms of sbs were preceded by the perception of unusual odours and inadequate airflow in the building. according to donnell jr. et al. (1989), these complaints of odours may well have heightened the perception of poor air quality by some employees in the building. this, in turn, may have led to an epidemic anxiety state resulting in the sbs outbreak (faust & brilliant, 1981). in fact, workers suffering from sbs were more than twice as likely to have noticed a particular odour in the work area before the onset of their symptoms than those who were working in the same building who were unaffected by the outbreak.footnote 9 at the same time, however, it should also be borne in mind that our tendency to focus on what we see and hear means that we often exhibit olfactory anosmia to ambient scents (forster & spence, 2018). to give a sense of the potential scale of the problem, woods (1989) estimated that 30 70 million people in the usa alone are exposed to offices that manifest sbs. as such, anything (and everything) that can be done to reduce the symptoms associated with this reaction to the indoor environment (finnegan, pickering, & burge, 1984) will likely have a beneficial effect on the health and well being of many people. at the same time, however, it is perhaps also worth bearing in mind here that the incidence of sbs would seem to have declined in recent years (though see also joshi, 2008; magnavita, 2015; redlich, sparer, & cullen, 1997), perhaps suggesting that building design/ventilation has improved as a result of the earlier outbreaks.footnote 10 that said, it is perhaps also worth noting that there continues to be some uncertainty as to whether the very real symptoms of sbs should be attributed to airborne pollutants, or may instead be better understood as a psychosomatic response to a particular environmental atmosphere (see fletcher, 2005 and love, 2018). what is more, there has been a move by some researchers to talk in terms of the less pejorative sounding building related symptoms (brs) instead (niemelä, seppänen, korhonen, & reijula, 2006). one more psychological factor that may be relevant here concerns the feeling of a lack of control over one’s multisensory environment that many of those working in ventilated buildings where the windows cannot be opened manually have may indeed play a role in the elicitation of sbs. there are, however, signs that the situation is slowly starting to change with regards to the emphasis placed on olfaction in both architectural and urban design practice. for instance, a number of commentators have noted, not to mention sometimes been puzzled by, the distinctive, yet unexplained, pleasant   and hence, one assumes, deliberately introduced   fragrances that some new constructions appear to have. just take the case of the barclays center arena in brooklyn, ny, home of the brooklyn nets, as a case in point. on its opening in 2013, various commentators in the press drew attention to the distinctive, if not immediately identifiable, scent that appeared to pervade the space, and which appeared to have been added deliberately   almost as if it were intended to be a signature scent for the space (e.g., albrecht, 2013; doll, 2013; martinez, 2013). that said, the idea of fragrancing public spaces dates back at least as far as 1913. in that year, at the opening of the marmorhaus cinema in berlin, the fragrance of marguerite carré, a perfume by bourjois, paris, was deliberately (and innovatively, at least for the time) wafted through the auditorium (berg ganschow & jacobsen, 1987). meanwhile, in what may well be a sign of things to come, synaesthetic perfumer dawn goldsworthy and her scent design company 12:29 recently made the press after apparently creating a bespoke scent for a new us$40 million apartment in miami (schroeder, 2018). what further opportunities might there be to design distinctive “signature” scents for spaces/buildings, one might ask (henshaw et al., 2018; jones, 2006; trivedi, 2006)? evidence that the olfactory element of design can be used to affect behaviour change positively includes, for example, the observation that people tend to engage in more cleaning behaviours when there is a hint of citrus in the air (de lange, debets, ruitenburg, & holland, 2012; holland, hendriks, & aarts, 2005). in the future, it may not be too much of a stretch to imagine public spaces filled with aromatic flowers and blossoming trees, introduced with the aim of helping to discourage people from littering, and who knows, perhaps even reducing vandalism (see also steinwald, harding, & piacentini, 2014). in terms of the cognitive mechanism underlying such crossmodal effects of scent on behaviour, the suggestion, at least in the citrus cleaning example just mentioned, is that smelling an ambient scent that we associate with clean and cleaning then activates, or primes, the associated concepts (smeets & dijksterhuis, 2014). having been primed, the suggestion is thus that this makes it that bit more likely that we will engage in behaviours that are congruent or consistent with the primed concept (though see doyen, klein, pichon, & cleeremans, 2012). elsewhere, researchers have already demonstrated the beneficial effects that lavender, and other scents normally associated with aromatherapy, have on those who are exposed to them. so, for instance, the latter tend to show reduced stress, better sleep, and even enhanced recovery from illness (see herz, 2009; spence, 2003, for reviews; though see also haehner, maass, croy, & hummel, 2017). according to one commentator writing in the new york times: “while these findings have obvious implications for health care, the opportunities for architecture and urban planning are particularly intriguing. designers are trained to focus mostly on the visual, but the science of design could significantly expand designers’ sensory palette. call it medicinal urbanism.” (hosey, 2013). effects on people’s mood resulting from exposure to ambient scent have been reported in some by no means all studies (glass & heuberger, 2016; glass, lingg, & heuberger, 2014; haehner et al., 2017; weber & heuberger, 2008). it remains somewhat uncertain though whether the beneficial effects of aromatherapy scents can be explained by priming effects, based on associative learning, as in the case of the clean citrus scents mentioned above (see herz, 2009), versus via a more direct (i.e., less cognitively mediated) physiological route (cf. harada, kashiwadani, kanmura, & kuwaki, 2018). the olfactory scentscapes, and scent maps of cities, that have been discussed by various researchers (see fig. 6) have also helped to draw people’s attention to the often rich olfactory landscapes offered by many urban spaces (e.g., https://sensorymaps.com/; bucknell, 2018; henshaw, 2014; henshaw et al., 2018; lipps, 2018; lupton & lipps, 2018; margolies, 2006). scentscape of the city. spring scents and smells of the city of amsterdam by kate mclean. [credit “spring scents & smells of the city of amsterdam” © 2013 2014. digital print. 2000 x 2000 mm. courtesy of kate mclean] the notion of the healing garden has also seen something of a resurgence in recent years, and the benefits now, as historically, are likely to revolve, at least in part, around the healing, or restorative effect of the smell of flowers and plants (e.g., pearson, 1991; see also ottoson & grahn, 2005). one building that is often mentioned in this regard, namely in terms of its olfactory design credentials, is the silicon house by architects, selgascano, situated on the outskirts of madrid (https://www.architectmagazine.com/project gallery/silicon house 6143). this house is set in what has been described as “a garden of smells”, which emphasize the olfactory, while also stressing the tactile elements of the design. hence, while the olfactory aspects of architectural design practice have long been ignored, there are at least signs of a revival of interest in stimulating this sense through both architectural and urban design practice. the british writer and artist adrian stokes once wrote of the “oral invitation of veronese marble” (stokes, 1978, p. 316). and while i must admit that i have never felt the urge to lick a brick, pallasmaa (1996, p. 59) vividly recounts the urge that he once experienced to explore/connect with architecture using his tongue. he writes that: “many years ago when visiting the dl james residence in carmel, california, designed by charles and henry greene, i felt compelled to kneel and touch the delicately shining white marble threshold of the front door with my tongue. the sensuous materials and skilfully crafted details of carlo scarpa’s architecture as well as the sensuous colours of luis barragan’s houses frequently evoke oral experiences. deliciously coloured surfaces of stucco lustro, a highly polished colour or wood surfaces also present themselves to the appreciation of the tongue.” perhaps aware of many readers’ presumed scepticism on the theme of the gustatory contribution to architecture,footnote 11 pallasmaa writes elsewhere that: “the suggestions that the sense of taste would have a role in the appreciation of architecture may sound preposterous. however, polished and coloured stone as well as colours in general, and finely crafted wood details, for instance, often evoke an awareness of mouth and taste. carlo scarpa’s architectural details frequently evoke sensation of taste.” (pallasmaa, 2011, p. 595). the suggestion here that “colours in general … often evoke … [a] taste” seemingly linking to the widespread literature on the crossmodal correspondences that have increasingly been documented between colour and basic tastes (see spence et al., 2015, for a review). however, rather than describing this in terms of architecture that one can taste, one might more fruitfully refer to the growing literature on crossmodal correspondences instead (see below for more on this theme). when, in his book architecture and the brain, eberhard (2007, p. 47) talks about what the sense of taste has to do with architecture, he suggests that: “you may not literally taste the materials in a building, but the design of a restaurant can have an impact on your ‘conditioned response’ to the taste of the food.” environmental multisensory effects on tasting is undoubtedly an area that has grown markedly in interest in recent years (e.g., see spence, 2020c, for a review). it is though worth noting that just as for the olfactory case, some atmospheric effects on tasting may be more cognitively mediated (e.g., associated with the priming of notions of luxury/expense, or lack thereof) while others may be more direct, as when changing the colour (see oberfeld, hecht, allendorf, & wickelmaier, 2009; spence, velasco, & knoeferle, 2014; torrico et al., 2020) or brightness (gal et al., 2007; xu & labroo, 2014) of the ambient lighting changes taste/flavour perception. so far in this section, we have briefly reviewed the unisensory contributions of architectural design organized around each of the five main senses (vision audition, touch, smell, and taste). however, seemingly not content with the traditional five, pallasmaa (1994) goes further in the title of one of his early articles entitled “an architecture of the seven senses.” while the text itself is not altogether clear, or explicit, on this point, the skeleton and muscles would appear to be the extra senses that pallasmaa has in mind here. indeed, the embodied response of people to architecture is definitely something that has captured the imagination, not to mention intrigued, a number of architectural theorists in recent years (e.g., see bloomer & moore, 1977; pallasmaa, 2011; pérez gómez, 2016). the vestibular sense is also worthy of mention here (see gulden & grüsser, 1998; indovina et al., 2005). anyone who has tried out one of the vr simulations of walking along the outside ledge of a tall building will have had the feeling of vertigo. normally, architects presumably avoid designing structures that may give rise to such discombobulating feelings. that said, the recent increase in popularity of transparent viewing platforms, and bridges, shows that, on occasion, architects are not beyond emphasizing the important contribution made by this normally “silent” sense. for instance, the grand canyon skywalk is a horseshoe shaped cantilever bridge with a glass walkway at eagle point, arizona that allows visitors to stand 500 800 ft. (150 240 m) above the canyon floor (yost, 2007). opened in 2007, by 2015, it had attracted more than a million visitors (see fig. 7). while popular, it is perhaps worth noting that a number of such attractions have recently been closed down in parts of china due to safety fears (ellis petersen, 2019). walking on such structures likely also make people more aware of their own corporeality too, thus engaging the proprioceptive and kinaesthetic senses too. on a more mundane level, heschong (1979, p. 34) draws attention to the importance of bodily movement in the case of the porch swing whose self propelled movement, prior to air conditioning, would have been a thermal necessity in the summer months in the southern states of the usa. skywalk from outside ledge. [attribution: complexsimplellc at english wikipedia reprinted under creative commons agreement] consideration of the putatively embodied response to architecture might lead one back to hall’s (1966) seminal early notion of “proxemics”. hall used the latter term to describe the differing response to stimuli as a function of their distance from the viewer’s body. it is certainly easy to imagine this linking to contemporary notions concerning the different regions of personal space that have been documented around an observer (e.g., previc, 1998; spence, lee, & stoep, 2017). however, while these terms might sound more or less synonymous to cognitive neuroscientists, malnar and vodvarka (2004), both licensed architects, choose to take a much more cautious stance concerning these terms, treating them as referencing distinct phenomena in their own book on sensory design. while the impact of each of the senses, however many there might be, can undoubtedly be analysed in isolation, as has largely been attempted in the preceding sections, the fact of the matter is that they interact one with another in terms of determining our response to the environment, be it built or natural. so, having briefly addressed the contribution of each of the senses to architectural design practice, when studied individually, the next question to consider is how the senses interact in the perception of environment/atmosphere, as they do in many other aspects of our everyday perception. after all, as malnar notes: “the point of immersing people within an environment is to activate the full range of the senses.” (malnar, 2017, p. 146). pallasmaa (2000, p. 78) makes a similar point writing that: “every significant experience of architecture is multi sensory; qualities of matter, space and scale are measured by the eye, ear, nose, skin, tongue, skeleton and muscle.” (cf. rasmussen, 1993). malnar and vodvarka (2004, p. ix) set the scene for the discussion with the opening lines of the preface of their book on sensory design in architecture, where they write: “what if we designed for all our senses? suppose, for a moment, that sound, touch, and odour were treated as the equals of sight, and that emotion was as important as cognition. what would our built environment be like is sensory response, sentiment, and memory were critical design factors, more vital even than structure and program?” indeed, those who take up the challenge of designing for the multisensory mind might well take a tip from one commentator, writing in advertising age when talking about product innovation who suggested that: “… the most successful new products appeal on both rational and emotional levels to as many senses as possible.” (neff, 2000, p. 22). architectural design practice, i suggest, would be well advised to strive for much the same in order to optimally stimulate the multisensory mind. although not the primary interest of the present review, it is perhaps also worth noting in passing, how a very similar debate on the importance of designing for the non visual senses has been playing out amongst those interested specifically in landscape design/architecture (lynch & hack, 1984; mahvash, 2007; treib, 1995). the garden is a multisensory space and as mark treib wrote once in an essay entitled “must landscape mean?”: “today might be a good time to once more examine the garden in relation to the senses.” the architect must act as a composer that orchestrates space into a synchronization for function and beauty through the senses   and how the human body engages space is of prime importance. as the human body moves, sees, smells, touches, hears and even tastes within a space   the architecture comes to life. the rhythm of an architecture can be felt by occupants as a result of the architect’s composition   or arrangement of all the sensorial qualities of space. by arranging spatial sensorial features, an architect can lead occupants through the functional and aesthetic rhythms of a created place. architectural building for all the senses can serve to move occupants   elevating their experience. (quote from a blogpost by lehman, 2009). one of the most exciting developments in cognitive neuroscience in recent decades has been the growing realization that perception/experience is far more multisensory than anyone had realized (e.g., bruno & pavani, 2018; calvert et al., 2004; levent & pascual leone, 2014; stein, 2012). that is, what we hear and smell, and what we think about the experience, is often influenced by what we see, and vice versa (calvert et al., 2004; stein, 2012). the senses talk to, and hence influence, one another all the time, though we often remain unaware of these cross sensory interactions and influences. in fact, wherever neuroscientists look in the human brain, activity appears to be modulated by what is going on in more than one sense, leading, increasingly, to talk of the multisensory mind (ghazanfar & schroeder, 2006; talsma, 2015). the key question here must therefore be what implications this growing realization of the ubiquity of multisensory cross talk has for the field of architectural design practice? the problem is that, as yet, there has been relatively little research directed at the question of how atmospheric/environmental multisensory cues actually interact. mattila and wirtz (2001, pp. 273 274) drew attention to this lacuna some years ago when writing that: “past studies have examined the effects of individual pleasant stimuli such as music, color or scent on consumer behavior, but have failed to examine how these stimuli might interact.” at the outset, when starting to consider the multisensory perception of architecture, it is worth noting that it is rarely something that we attend to. indeed, as benjamin (1968, p. 239) once noted: “architecture has always represented the prototype of a work of art the reception of which is consummated in a state of distraction.” to the extent that such a view is correct, one can say that multisensory architecture is rarely foregrounded in our attention/experience. juhani pallasma, meanwhile, has suggested that: “an architectural experience silences all external noise; it focuses attention on one’s very existence.” (pallasmaa, 1994, p. 31). once again, the suggestion here would appear to be that attention is directed away from the building and toward the individual and their place in the world. given that, on an everyday basis, architecture is typically not foregrounded in our attention/experience, one might legitimately wonder as to whether the multisensory integration of atmospheric/environmental cues takes place, given that they are so often unattended. according to the laboratory research that has been published on this question to date, the evidence would appear to suggest that while the multisensory integration of unattended cues relating to an object or event certainly can occur, it is by no means guaranteed to do so (see spence & frings, 2020, for a review). perhaps the more fundamental question here, though, is whether we need to attend to ambient/environmental sensory cues for them to influence us. however, the research that has been published to date would appear to suggest that very often environmental cues influence us even when we are not consciously aware of, or thinking about them. one particularly striking example of this was reported by researchers who manipulated whether french or german music was played in a supermarket (north, et al., 1997, 1999). the results showed that the majority of the wine purchased was french when french music was played, with this reversing to a majority of german wines being sold when german music was played. the even more striking aspect of these results was the fact that the majority of those interviewed after coming away from the tills denied that the background music had any influence over the choices they made. a number of studies have also shown that scents that we are unaware of, either because they are presented just below the perceptual threshold or because we have become functionally anosmic to their constant presence, can nevertheless still influence us (li, moallem, paller, & gottfried, 2007). similarly, there is also a suggestion that inaudible infrasound waves (i.e., < 20 hz) may also affect people without their necessarily being aware of their presence (weichenberger et al., 2017). meanwhile, in terms of visual annoyance, it has been reported that flickering led lights that look no different to the naked eye can nevertheless trigger a significantly greater number of headaches that non flickering lights (e.g., see wilkins, 2017; wilkins, nimmo smith, slater, & bedocs, 1989). once again, therefore, this suggests that ambient sensory phenomena do not necessarily need to be perceptible in order to affect us, adversely or otherwise. one demonstration of just how dramatic the benefits of designing for multiple senses can be was reported by kroner, stark martin, and willemain (1992) in a technical report. these researchers examined the effects of an office make over when a company moved to a new office building. the employees in the new office were given individual control of the temperature, lighting, air quality, and acoustic conditions where they were working. productivity increased by approximately 15% in the new building. when the individual control of the ambient multisensory environment was disabled in the new building, performance fell by around 2% instead. trying to balance the influence of each of the senses is one of the aims of finnish architect juhani pallasmaa, whose name we have come across at several points already in this text. as steven holl notes in the preface to pallasmaa’s the eyes of the skin: “i have experienced the architecture of juhani pallasmaa, … the way spaces feel, the sound and smell of these places, has equal weight to the way things look.” (pallasmaa, 1996, p. 7). one example of multisensory architectural design to which juhani pallasmaa draws attention in several of his writings is the ira keller fountain, portland oregon (see fig. 8). the ira keller fountain, portland oregon. according to pallasmaa (2011), p. 596) this is “an architecture for all the senses including the kinaesthetic and olfactory senses.” once again, the auditory element is provided by the sound of falling water to date, only a relatively small number of studies have directly studied the influence of combined ambient/atmospheric cues on people’s perception, feelings, and/or behaviour. mattila and wirtz (2001) conducted one of the first sensory marketing studies to be published in this area. these researchers manipulated the olfactory environment (no scent, a low arousal scent (lavender), or a high arousal scent (grapefruit)) while simultaneously manipulating the presence of music (no music, low arousal music, or high arousal music). when the scent and music were congruent in terms of their arousal potential, the customers rated the store environment more positively, exhibited higher levels of approach and impulse buying behaviour, and expressed more satisfaction. there is, though, always a very real danger of sensory overload if the combined multisensory input becomes too stimulating (see malhotra, 1984; simmel, 1995). meanwhile, in another representative field study, sayin et al. (2015) investigated the impact of presenting ambient soundscapes in an underground car park in paris. in particular, they assessed the effects of introducing western european birdsong or classical instrumental music by albinoni to the three normally silent stairwells used by members of the general public when exiting the car park. a total of 77 drivers were asked about their feelings on their way out. birdsong was found to work best in terms of enhancing the perceived safety of the situation   in this case by around 6%. this despite the fact that all of those who were quizzed realized that the sounds that they had heard were coming from loudspeakers.footnote 12 in an accompanying series of laboratory studies, sayin et al.’s participants were shown a 60 s first person perspective video that had been taken in the same paris car park, or else a short video of someone walking through a metro station in istanbul. once again, participants were asked about how safe it felt, about perceived social presence, and about their willingness to purchase a monthly metro pass. even under these somewhat contrived experimental conditions, the presence of an ambient soundscape once again increased perceived safety as well as the participants’ self reported intention to purchase a season ticket. it was, though, the sound of people singing alleluia that proved most effective in terms of enhancing perceived safety amongst those watching the videos.footnote 13 it is, however, worth bearing in mind here that many of the key results reported in this study were only borderline significant. as such, adequately powered replication would be a good idea before too much weight is given to these intriguing findings. recently, ba and kang (2019) documented crossmodal interactions between ambient sound and smell in a laboratory study that was designed to capture the sensory cues that might be encountered in a typical urban environment. these researchers decided to pair the sounds of birds, conversation, and traffic, with the smells of flowers (lilac, osmanthus), coffee, or bread, at one of three levels (low, medium, or high) in each modality. a complex array of interactions was observed, with increasing stimulus intensity sometimes enhancing the participants’ comfort ratings, while sometimes leading to a negative response instead. while ba and kang’s results defy any simple synopsis, given the complex pattern of results reported, their findings nevertheless clearly suggest that sound and scent interact in terms of influencing people’s evaluation of urban design. the colour of the ambient lighting in an indoor environment has also been shown to influence the perceived ambient temperature and thermal comfort of an environment (e.g., candas & dufour, 2005; tsushima, et al., 2020; winzen, albers, & marggraf micheel, 2014). for instance, in one representative study, winzen and colleagues reported that illuminating a simulated aircraft cabin in warm yellow vs. cool blue coloured lighting exerted a significant influence over people’s self reported thermal comfort. the participants rated the environment as feeling significantly warmer under the warm (as compared to the cool) lighting colour. one can only really make sense of such findings from a multisensory perspective (see spence, 2020a, for a review). taken together, then, the results of the representative selection of studies reported in this section demonstrate that our perception of, and/or response to, multisensory environments are undoubtedly influenced by the combined influence of environmental/atmospheric cues in different sensory modalities. so, in contrast to the quote from mattila and wirtz (2001) that we came across a few pages ago, there is now a growing body of empirical research out there demonstrating that atmospheric cues presented in different sensory modalities, such as music, scents, and visual stimuli combine to influence how alerting, or pleasant, a particular environment, or stimulus (such as, for example, a work of art), is rated as being (e.g., banks, ng, & jones gotman, 2012; battacharya & lindsen, 2016). in their book, spaces speak, are you listening?, blesser and salter draw the reader’s attention to the importance of audiovisual congruency in architectural design. they write that: “aural architecture, with its own beauty, aesthetics, and symbolism, parallels visual architecture. visual and aural meanings often align and reinforce each other. for example, the visual vastness of a cathedral communicates through the eyes, while its enveloping reverberation communicates through the ears.” (blesser & salter, 2007, p. 3). however, they also draw attention to the incongruency that one experiences sometimes: “although we expect the visual and aural experience of a space to be mutually supportive, this is not always the case. consider dining at an expensive restaurant whose decorations evoke a sense of relaxed and pampered elegance, but whose reverberating clatter produces stress, anxiety, isolation, and psychological tension, undermining the possibility of easy social exchange. the visual and aural attributes produce a conflicting response.” (blesser & salter, 2007, p. 3). regardless of whether atmospheric/environmental sensory cues are integrated or not, one general principle underpinning our response to multisensory combinations of environmental cues is that those combinations of stimuli that are “congruent” (whatever that term means in this context) will tend to be processed more fluently, and hence be liked more, than those combinations that are deemed incongruent, and hence will often prove more difficult, and effortful, to process (reber, 2012; reber, schwarz, & winkielman, 2004; reber, winkielman, & schwartz, 1998; winkielman, schwarz, fazendeiro, & reber, 2003; winkielman, ziembowicz, & nowak, 2015).footnote 14 indeed, it was the putative sensory incongruency between a relaxing slow tempo music and arousing citrus scent that was put forward as a possible explanation for why morrin and chebat (2005) found that adding scent and sound in the setting of the shopping mall reduced unplanned purchases as compared to either of the unisensory interventions amongst almost 800 shoppers in one north american mall (see fig. 9). morrin and chebat (2005). sales figures (unplanned purchases) in mall as a function of music, scent, or the combination of the two. in this case, multisensory stimulation led to a significant reduction in sales, perhaps because low tempo music was combined with a likely alerting citrus scent congruency can, of course, be defined at multiple levels. for instance, as we have seen already in this section, sensory cues may be more or less congruent in terms of their arousal/relaxation potential (e.g., homburg, imschloss, & kühnl, 2012; mattila & wirtz, 2001). mahvash (2007, pp. 56 57) talks about the use of congruent cues to convey the notion of coolness: “… the persian garden with its patterns of light and shadow, reflecting pools, gurgling fountains, scents of flowers and fruits, and gentle cool breezes 'offers an amazing richness of variety of sensory experiences which all serve to reinforce the pervasive sense of coolness'.” however, different sensory inputs may also be deemed congruent or not in terms of their artistic style (see hasenfus, martindale, & birnbaum, 1983; muecke & zach, 2007; cf. hersey, 2000, pp. 37 41). it was stylistic congruency that was manipulated in a couple of experiments, conducted both online and in the laboratory by siefkes and arielli (2015). these researchers had their participants explicitly concentrate on and evaluate the style of the buildings shown in one of two architectural styles (baroque or modern   a short video showing five baroque buildings; there were also a short video, focusing on five modern buildings instead). their results revealed that the buildings were rated as looking more balanced, more coherent, and to a certain degree, more complete,footnote 15 when viewed while listening to music that was congruent (e.g., baroque architecture with baroque music   specifically georg philipp telemann’s, concerto grosso in d major, twv 54:d3 (1716)) rather than incongruent (e.g., baroque architecture with philip glass track from the soundtrack to the movie koyaanisqatsi). before moving on, though, it is worth noting that in this study, as in many of the other studies reported in this section, there is a possibility that the design of the experiments themselves may have resulted in the participants concerned paying rather more attention to the atmospheric/environmental cues (and possibly also their congruency) than is normally likely to be the case when, as was mentioned earlier, the architecture itself fades into the background. ecological validity may, in other words, have been compromised to a certain degree. one of the other examples of incongruency that one often comes across is linked to the growing interest in biophilic design. as pallasmaa (1996, p. 41) notes: “a walk through a forest is invigorating and healing due to the constant interaction of all sense modalities; bachelard speaks of ‘the polyphony of the senses’. the eye collaborates with the body and the other senses. one’s sense of reality is strengthened and articulated by this constant interaction. architecture is essentially an extension of nature into the man made realm …”footnote 16 no wonder, then, that many designers have been exploring the benefits of bringing elements of nature into interior spaces in order to boost the occupants’ mood and aid relaxation (spence, 2021). however, one has to ask whether the benefits of adding the sounds of a tropical rainforest to a space such as the shopping area of glasgow airport, say (treasure, 2007), really outweigh the cognitive dissonance likely elicited by hearing such sounds in such an incongruous setting? similarly, a jungle soundscape was incorporated into the children’s section of harrods london department store a few years ago (harrods’ toy kingdom   the sound agency | sound branding” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=evuug6vvfkq). nature soundscapes have also been introduced into audi car salesrooms, not to mention bp petrol station toilet facilities (bashford, 2010; treasure, 2007). it is worth noting here that given the important role that congruency has been shown to play at the level of multisensory object/event perception, there is currently a stark paucity of research that has systematically investigated the relevance/importance of congruency at the level of multisensory ambient, or environmental, cues. as the quotes earlier in this section make clear, it is something to which some architects are undoubtedly sensitive, and on which they already have an opinion. yet the relevant underpinning research still needs to be conducted. ultimately, therefore, while the congruency of atmospheric/environmental cues can be defined in various ways, and while incongruency is normally negatively valenced (because it is hard to process),footnote 17 issues of (in)congruency may often simply not be an issue for the occupants of specific environments. this may either be because the latter simply do not pay attention to the atmospheric/environmental cues (and hence do not register their incongruency) and/or because they have no reason to believe that the stimuli should be combined in the first place. one common feature of configurations of multisensory stimuli that are in some sense incongruent is sensory dominance. and very often, under laboratory conditions, this tends to be vision that dominates (e.g., hutmacher, 2019; meijer et al., 2019; posner et al., 1976). under conditions of multisensory conflict, the normally more reliable sense sometimes completely dominates the experience of the other senses, as when wine experts can be tricked into thinking that they are drinking red or rosé wine simply by adding some red food dye to white wine (wang & spence, 2019). similarly, people’s assessment of building materials has also been shown to be dominated by the visual rather than by the feel (wastiels, schifferstein, wouters, & heylighen, 2013; see also karana, 2010). at the same time, however, while we are largely visually dominant, the other senses can also sometimes drive our behaviour. for instance, according to an article that appeared in the wall street journal, many people will apparently refuse to check in to a hotel if there is funny smell in the lobby (pacelle, 1992). such admittedly anecdotal observations, were they to be backed up by robust empirical data, would then support the notion that olfactory atmospheric cues can, at least under certain conditions, also dominate in terms of determining our approach avoidance behaviour. meanwhile, a growing number of diners have also reported how they will sometimes leave a restaurant if the noise is too loud (see spence, 2014, for a review; wagner, 2018), resonating with the quote from blesser and salter (2007) that we came across a little earlier. one other potentially important issue to bear in mind here concerns the “assumption of unity”, or coupling/binding priors that constitute an important factor modulating the extent of crossmodal binding in the case of multisensory object/event perception, according to the literature on the currently popular bayesian causal inference (see chen & spence, 2017; rohe, ehlis, & noppeney, 2019, for reviews). coupling priors can be thought of as the internalized long term statistics of the environment (e.g., girshick, landy, & simoncelli, 2011). does it, i wonder, make sense to suggest that we have such priors concerning the unification of environmental/atmospheric cues? or might it be, perhaps, that in a context in which we are regularly exposed to incongruent environmental/atmospheric multisensory cues   just think of how music is played from loudspeakers without any associated visual referent   that out priors concerning whether to integrate what we see, hear, smell, and feel will necessarily be related, in any meaningful sense, may well be reduced substantially. see badde, navarro, and landy (2020) and gau and noppeney (2016) on the role of context in the strength of the common source priors multisensory binding. hence, no matter whether one wants to create a tranquil space (pheasant, horoshenkov, watts, & barret, 2008) or one that arouses (mattila & wirtz, 2001), the senses interact as they do in various other configurations and situations (e.g., jahncke, eriksson, & naula, 2015; jiang, masullo, & maffei, 2016). there are, in fact, numerous examples where the senses have been shown to interact in the experience and rating of urban environments (e.g., ba & kang, 2019; van renterghem & botteldooren, 2016). the field of synaesthetic design has grown rapidly in recent years (e.g., haverkamp, 2014; merter, 2017; spence, 2012b). according to architectural historian, alberto pérez gómez, mentioned earlier, the philips pavilion designed by le corbusier for the 1958 brussels world’s fair (fig. 10) attempted to deliver a multisensory experience, or atmosphere by means of “forced” synaesthesia (pérez gómez, 2016, p. 19).footnote 18 the interior audiovisual environment was mostly designed by le corbusier and iannis xenakis (see sterken, 2007). from those descriptions that have survived there were many coloured lights and projections and a looping soundscape that was responsive to people’s movement through the space (lootsma, 1998; muecke & zach, 2007). philips pavilion was a world’s fair pavilion designed for expo 1958 in brussels by the office of le corbusier. the building, which was commissioned by the electronics manufacturer philips, was designed to house a multimedia spectacle of sound, light and projections celebrating post war technological progress. iannis xenakis was responsible for much of the project management. [figure copyright wikimedia commons: wouter hagens] true to his oculocentric approach, mentioned at the start of this piece, le corbusier apparently concentrated on the visual aspects of the “poème electronique”, the multimedia show that was projected inside the pavilion. meanwhile, his site manager, iannis xenakis created “concret ph”   the soundscape, broadcast over 300 loudspeakers, that accompanied it. it is, though, unclear how much connection there actually was between the auditory and visual components of this multimedia presentation. the notion of parallel, but unconnected, stimulation to eye and ear comes through in xenakis’ quote that: “we are capable of speaking two languages at the same time. one is addressed to the eyes, the other to the ears.” (varga, 1996, p. 114). moreover, in his later work (e.g., polytopes), xenakis pursued the idea of creating a total dissociation between visual and aural perception in large abstract sound and light installations (sterken, 2007, p. 33). at several points throughout his book pérez gómez (2016), stresses the importance of “synaesthesia” to architecture, without, unfortunately, ever really quite defining what he means by the term. all one finds are quotes such as the following: “primordial synesthetic perception”, p. 11; “perception is primordially synesthetic”, p. 20; “synaesthesia as the primary modality of human perception”, p. 71. pérez gómez (2016, p. 149) draws heavily on merleau ponty’s (1962, p. 235) phenomenology of perception, quoting lines such as: “the senses translate each other without any need of an interpreter, they are mutually comprehensible without the intervention of any idea.” a few pages later he cites heidegger “truths as correspondence” (pérez gómez, 2016, p. 162). this does, though, sound more like a description of the ubiquitous crossmodal correspondences (marks, 1978; spence, 2011) than necessarily fitting with contemporary definitions of synaesthesia, though the distinction between the two phenomena admittedly remains fiercely contested (e.g., deroy & spence, 2013; sathian & ramachandran, 2020). abath (2017) has done a great job of highlighting the confusion linked to merleau ponty’s incoherent use of the term synaesthesia, that has, in turn, gone on to “infect” the writings of other architectural theorists, such as pérez gómez (2016). talking of synaesthetic design may then be something of a misnomer (spence, 2015), the fundamental idea here is to base one’s design decisions on the sometimes surprising connections between the senses that we all share, such as, for example, between high pitched sounds and small, light, fast moving objects (e.g., spence, 2011, 2012a). it is important to highlight the fact that while these crossmodal correspondences are often confused with synaesthesia, they actually constitute a superficially similar, but fundamentally quite different empirical phenomenon (see deroy & spence, 2013). we have already come across a number of examples of crossmodal correspondences being incorporated, knowingly or otherwise, in design decisions. just think about the use of temperature hue correspondences (tsushima et al., 2020; see spence, 2020a, for a review). the lightness elevation mapping (crossmodal correspondence) might also prove useful from a design perspective (sunaga, park, & spence, 2016). and colour taste and sound taste correspondences have already been incorporated into the design of multisensory experiential spaces (e.g., spence et al., 2014; see also adams & doucé, 2017; adams & vanrie, 2018). once one accepts the importance of crossmodal correspondences to environmental design, then this represents an additional level at which sensory atmospheric cues may be judged as congruent (e.g., see spence et al., 2014). one of the important questions that remains for future research, though, is to determine whether there may be a priority of one kind of crossmodal congruency over others when they are manipulated simultaneously. while it would seem unrealistic that the dominance, or hegemony (levin, 1993), of the visual will be overturned any time soon, that does not mean that we should not do our best to challenge it. as critic david michael levin puts it: “i think it is appropriate to challenge the hegemony of vision   the ocular centrism of our culture. and i think we need to examine very critically the character of vision that predominates today in our world. we urgently need a diagnosis of the psychosocial pathology of everyday seeing   and a critical understanding of ourselves as visionary beings.” (levin, 1993, p. 205). while not specifically talking about architecture, what we can all do is to adopt a more multisensory perspective and be more sensitive to the way in which the senses interact, be it in architecture or in any other aspect of our everyday experiences. by designing experiences that congruently engage more of the senses we may be better able to enhance the quality of life while at the same time also creating more immersive, engaging, and memorable multisensory experiences (bloomer & moore, 1977; gallace & spence, 2014; garg, 2019; spence, 2021; ward, 2014). stein and meredith (1993, p. xi), two of the foremost multisensory neuroscientists of the last quarter century, summarized this idea when they suggesting in the preface to their influential volume the merging of the senses that: “the integration of inputs from different sensory modalities not only transforms some of their individual characteristics, but does so in ways that can enhance the quality of life. integrated sensory inputs produce far richer experiences than would be predicted from their simple coexistence or the linear sum of their individual products.” there is growing interest across many fields of endeavour in design that moves beyond this one dominant, or perhaps even overpowering, sense (lupton & lipps, 2018). the aim is increasingly to design for experience rather than merely for appearance. at the same time, however, it is also important to note that progress has been slow in translating the insights from the academic field of multisensory research to the world of architectural design practice, as noted by licensed architect joy monice malnar when writing about her disappointment with the entries at the 2015 chicago architecture biennial. there, she writes: “so, where are we? what is the current state of the art? sadly, the current research on multisensory environments appearing in journals such as the senses & society does not appear to be impacting artists and architects participating in the chicago biennial. nor are the discoveries in neuroscience offering new information about how the brain relates to the physical environment.” (malnar, 2017, p. 153).footnote 19 at the same time, however, the adverts for at least one new residential development in barcelona promising residents the benefits of “sensory living” (the new york times international edition in 2019, august 31 september 1, p. 13), suggests that at least some architects/designers are starting to realize the benefits of engaging their clients’/customers’ senses. the advert promised that the newly purchased apartment would “provoke their senses”. ultimately, it is to be hoped that as the growing awareness of the multisensory nature of human perception continues to spread beyond the academic community, those working in the field of architectural design practice will increasingly start to incorporate the multisensory perspective into their work; and, by so doing, promote the development of buildings and urban spaces that do a better job of promoting our social, cognitive, and emotional well being. not applicable. it is, though, worth highlighting the fact that the denigration of the sense of smell in humans, something that is, for example, also found in older volumes on advertising (lucas & britt, 1950), turns out to be based on somewhat questionable foundations. for, as noted by mcgann (2017) in the pages of science, the downplaying of olfaction can actually be traced back to early french neuroanatomist paul broca wanting to make more space in the frontal parts of the brain (i.e., the frontal lobes) for free will in the 1880s. in order to do so, he apparently needed to reduce the size of the olfactory cortex accordingly. or, as tuan (1977, p. 18) once put it: “an object or place achieves concrete reality when our experience of it is total, that is, through all the senses as well as with the active and reflective mind” relevant here, mitchell (2005) has suggested that there are, in fact, no uniquely visual media. this an issue close to my own heart currently, as the department where i work was closed due to the discovery of large amounts of asbestos (see bbc news, 2017). the university and the latest firm of architects involved in the project are currently battling it out to determine how much of the new building will be given over to individual offices versus shared open plan offices and hot desking. the omens, i have to say (at least pre pandemic), from what is happening elsewhere in the education sector, do not look good (kinman & garfield, 2015). here, one might also consider the abercrombie & fitch clothing brand. for a number of years, the chain also managed to craft a distinctive dance sound to match the dark nightclub like appearance of their interiors. writer tanizaki (2001), in his essay on aesthetics in praise of shadows, also draws attention to the close interplay that exists, or better said, once existed, between architectural design and food/plateware design in traditional japanese culture. intriguingly, kirshenblatt gimblett (1991, p. 416) describes the white cube as an apparatus for “single sense epiphanies”. this despite baudelaire’s line that the smell of a room is “the soul of the apartment” (quoted in corbin, 1986, p. 169). it is also worth noting how suggestible people can be concerning the presence of an odour, as first demonstrated by slosson’s (1899) classic classroom demonstration of students in the lecture theatre detecting a fictitious odour in the air. it has also been suggested that the energy crisis in the 1970s may also have been partly to blame, as that tended to result in lower ventilation standards. indeed, one might wonder whether the latter quote refers more to oral stereoagnosis (jacobs, serhal, & van steenberghe, 1998), than specifically to gustation (see also waterman jr., 1917, for the suggestion that the tongue can be more revealing than the hand). this response is very different from the aesthetic disappointment, or even disgust, felt by the man once hypothetically described by the philosopher immanuel kant who was very much enjoying listening to a nightingale’s song until realizing that he was listening to a mechanical imitation instead (kant, 2000). the owner of the car park did not like the sound of this particular sonic intervention, meaning that the researchers were unable to try it out in the field. at the same time, however, one might consider how marble, one of the most highly prized building materials is in some sense incongruent, given the rich textured patterning of the veined appearance of the surface is typically perfectly smooth to the touch. these were the anchors on three of the bipolar semantic differential scales used in this study. the value of connecting with nature in architectural design practice was stressed by an advertorial for an arctic hideaway that suggests that: “true luxury today is connecting with nature and feeling that your senses work again” as appeared in an article in blue wings magazine (december 2019, p. 38). it should, though, be remembered, that sometimes incongruency may be precisely what is wanted. just take the following quote regarding the crossmodal contrast of thermal heat combined with visual coolness from japan as but one example: “in the summer the householder likes to hang a picture of a waterfall, a mountain stream, or similar view in the tokonama and enjoy in its contemplation a feeling of coolness.” (tetsuro, 1955, p. 16). though pérez gómez (2016, p. 65) seems to be using a rather unconventional definition of synaesthesia, as a little later in his otherwise excellent work, he defines perceptual synaesthesia as “the integrated sensory modalities”, pérez gómez (2016, p. 65). the majority of cognitive neuroscientists would, i presume, take this as a definition of multisensory perception, rather than synaesthesia. synaesthesia, note, is typically defined as the automatic elicitation of an idiosyncratic concurrent, not normally experienced, in response to the presence of an inducing stimulus (grossenbacher & lovelace, 2001). eberhard (2007, p. xv) sounds a similarly pessimistic note writing that: “i doubt very much that neuroscientific findings will ever usurp intuition and inspiration as a guiding principle within architecture”. abath, a. 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tips if i could, i’d only ever travel carry on only! it only takes the airline losing your luggage once to never want to check a bag again. add on to the fact that it’s an extra line to wait in when you arrive at an airport, precious time spent waiting around baggage claim, and that it often costs $50+ extra to check in a bag…there’s a lot of incentive to do carry on only especially if you’re gone for a week or less. even us moms can manage that once the kids get over a certain age! here are some tips to consider when packing a carry on for a week of travel. psss… you can shop all my carry on luggage here every airline may be slightly different and some airports are stricter than others. for example, i’ve noticed french and british airports can be absolute sticklers about your liquids bag and may make you remove some items even if other airports were fine with them! furthermore, some airlines will be very strict on your carry on suitcase’s size and weight while others are a little more forgiving. whatever airline you’re flying, just go to the carry on bag page and go over their rules so you have no rude surprises at tsa. as a rule of thumb, i stick to carry on luggage that’s 22″ or less like my hardside spinner. if you’re flying any budget airlines in asia or europe, i’d go even smaller, like my convertible underseater. bonus for new parents: tsa specifically allows you to travel with “formula, breast milk, toddler drinks, and baby/toddler food (to include puree pouches).” they do not need to be under a certain size nor do they have to fit into any kind of baggy! check here for full details, but take a breather that this is something you do not have to stress out about. i find it helps put my packing list into perspective if i have a rough idea of what my week of travel will entail. sometimes my trips are more leisurely and other times it feels like i’m running a marathon everyday. suffice to say, planning a family trip walking around major european sites in the middle of summer is going to have different packing requirements than cruising around christmas markets in the middle of december. if you stick to a complimentary color palate, you can make just a few pieces work double or triple duty. for example, a button down could work with jeans and sneakers for a casual day of sightseeing and then work tucked into dress pants with some low heeled boots or cheerful flats for a nicer evening out. i have a simple equation for a week of packing   three tops and three pants that all must match each other. this way i get nine outfits from six articles of clothing! throw in a little black dress, and you’re ready to take on any destination. bonus tip for those that sweat: this tip is for anyone who read this section and thought, “yeah, ok. if i wear a top out while sightseeing, it will be far too sweaty and smelly to even think of wearing again.” consider doing a little sink washing! you can use soap from your hotel or pack a few detergent sheets. pack items made from quick dry material like linen, nylon, or polyester. some lighter cotton shirts may dry quickly too. usually you can do a quick sink wash the night before and they’ll at least be dry same time the next day if not earlier. …and this includes one pair that’ll be on your feet! i know shoe lovers are gasping in horror, but remember this is a week’s long trip in a carry on. there is simply no reason you’d ever need to bring more than three for a week. depending on the season, i like packing comfortable sneakers, a chic pair of flats, and something that can be dressed up or dressed down (i.e. a good pair of boots). if it’s summer, i might swap out the flats for some sandals, and if it’s a snowy destination, i’ll make sure i have winter boots. whatever is the hardest to pack is worn on the plane, and then i put the other two in cloth bags so they’re not pressed up against my clothes. accessories are a great wait to gussy up an outfit as my mom would say. pack some statement necklaces, funky earrings, silk scarves, and some sparkly bracelets to make any outfit feel fresh. i also never travel without a scarf   especially with those airplane temperatures. pack your jewelry by wrapping it up in a t shirt so nothing gets tangled together. plus you can use that t shirt for the gym or to sleep in once you unpack at your hotel. bonus tip: don’t underestimate a statement lip. it really can change your entire look in mere seconds! i prefer a beautiful red lipstick but really go with whatever color (or colors) you like best. no, packing cubes are not some extra, unnecessary item travelers try to make you buy. they are serious game changers! seriously, if you’re not using packing cubes, you’re doing it wrong. not only do they keep your luggage organized, they add an extra layer of protection to your clothes. as soon as i get to a hotel, i like to just take my packing cubes out and put them right into the dresser drawer. because i’ve rolled my clothes into the cubes, i can see all the items at once, and none of them touch the inside of a drawer (how often do you think those things actually get cleaned?!) every suitcase has nooks and crannies that are often overlooked. for example, the space on the bottom of your suitcase between the sides of the roller handle. if you just plop your normal packing cubes in, you’re losing out on a ton of space! i use my slim packing cube set to really line those overlooked spots, and only then do i begin placing down my packing cubes. every square inch counts! when it comes to carry on only, i like to minimize the need for my toiletry bag as much as humanly possible. it just makes it easier going through tsa and the smaller my liquids bag, the less i worry about an agent pulling me aside and making me repack the whole thing or potentially have to throw something out. here are some quick tips on how i do it: big box stores offer lots of great travel items, but reusable containers for your shampoo, conditioner and soap are not one of them. unless you’re traveling for a month, you do not need much of any of these products (plus, i am tired of decanting my shampoo!). i say pack sample sizes of your favorite goods. talk to folks working at the beauty counter at stores like sephora or ulta for free samples; or buy smaller containers of favorites at the drug store or target. be sure to pack your toiletry bag in your front zip or in your personal item for easy access. if you’re not staying in one place for your week of travel, this means you often have to pack dirty clothes in with your clean clothes. while a packing cube offers some protection, you’ll most likely want something separate to help contain the used clothes. cue: compression bags! not only will the plastic contain the scent, the compression gives you just a little more room for souvenirs. what are your best tips for carrying on for a week or travel? share in the comments! big fan. washcloths are a necessity for me, an opinion not shared by european hotels. i find disposable facial clothes (the dry ones that lather up with water, not premoistened makeup wipes) to be a convenient substitute. also a great way to get the dust of a day’s adventure off your face before bed. my alternative is buying a stack of inexpensive washcloths at walmart and tossing them in the trash daily after use. at the end of the trip i have the space they took in my suitcase available for treasures i’m bringing home. great point….although i realize european hotels are not favorable to supplying washcloths, i always bring my own; with the exception of my last trip to ireland a few months ago when i forgot to pack washcloths. try finding a store that sells them, no such luck. the thing of it is, is that i knew better. i really like to travel with norwex face and body cloth. it drys super fast. and you only need one. ( no i don’t sell norwex . just love the product. ) yes!! i always travel with the norwex face and body cloth. they are the best!! i totally agree about the washcloths and buy a pack and throw them out as you do. i just don’t feel like i can get clean without a washcloth and european hotels do not have them. they think we’re crazy! i take a few of my old washcloths with me when traveling in europe and dispose them on the way. i found small pelleted ones that expand when wetted. they are a great single use alternative and super packable. i do the same thing with washcloths   one for each day of travel unless i will be staying somewhere that has a laundry. the walmart cheapies are great for that purpose. i fold my clothes envelope style, the marie condo way. my shirts are standing up so i can see everything. this really helps me find the clothes in my carry on bag so i don’t have to unpack my suitcase to get things on the bottom. i also wear my heaviest shoes on the plane. i pack one pair of heels that can really elevate an outfit. i bring two pairs of ballet flats and one pair of plain trainers that go with dresses , pants and shorts. i bring an old pillowcase for dirty clothes. and i pick a color scheme so that almost everything can go with everything else. some of my favorite outfits are ones i came up with on vacations with what i had to work with. i always bring a navy blazer. i have traveled 20 days to two weeks in several different countries and fit everything in my carry on and personal item. fellow travelers are amazed that i am not wearing the same thing every day and don’t have to lug bags around. good advice here samantha. been looking for those you have a namebrand on that type of wipes? oil of olay daily facials water activated dry cloths for people with oily or combination skin, i like the cetaphil travel packs of disposable soap wipes(aniti bacterial). they come in a small baby wipe type of packaging and lather up when wet. great for teens (or not so teen:) traveling, since different weather and foods can cause breakouts. i buy the compressed one in the dollar store. they work for a couple of showers or even one, and i don’t feel bad about discarding as most of them are made of bamboo and are totally compostable in europe we only use washcloths for babies bottoms, so you will not find them in hotels. i do like them for a basin wash as well, as sometimes long flights take a toll, and one cannot fly 1st class or have a towel in the limited hand luggage. your idea of cheap ones work well for me. thanks for sharing… some of this is valuable. a lot is useless. for example: * some of us have health issues and must carry our medicine, medical equipment, assistive devices. if we’re going to be gone more than a week it means carrying bottles of medication. so where, exactly? * some of us wear larger size clothing and it doesn’t fit into tiny cubes quite as nicely. * where did she pack her makeup? * what are you supposed to do if you are traveling to different climate conditions. she hasn’t packed either a sweater or a jacket. one of my recent trips took me from the arctic circle to the tropics. * nowhere in this “helpful” video does anyone ask what to do if the limited supply of clothes get dirty or torn. personally, i travel with a pretty complete sewing kit and travel size detergent. * nowhere does she suggest you carry some way to wash dirty underwear or even a means of keeping it away from the clean clothes. what if menstruation makes its presence known? assuming your cycle is regular, and you know when it’s coming, where do you put your tampons or pads? what if your cycle isn’t regular and it comes while you’re away with your one carryon bag? i could go on, but you get the idea. read this after watching the super helpful packing video. i’m definitely getting cubes and will now be using of the space between the rails. thanks! where can i buy the cubes? they are all over amazon i don’t find packing cubes useful. i try to make my clothing as flat as possible in my suitcase by folding it over as few times as possible. my carry on is 20x15x7.8 and my personal item bag is 15x11x9. i put all of my necessities; meds., toiletries, mini flat iron, liquids bag, makeup, chargers, glasses, mini sewing kit, purse, laundry sheets, jewelry and a pair of flats in my personal item bag. this way my carryon can be devoted solely to clothing. i’m able to fit 2 dresses, 1 pair of dress pants, 1 pair of leggings, 3 cardigans, 4 tank tops, 3 long sleeved blouses and two short sleeved tops, plus underwear, 2 bras, socks and one night shirt. i wear my heaviest items on the plane this past trip i wore jeans, boots (that can also be worn with dresses or leggings), a tank and a heavy warm cardigan, plus my nice wool, camel colored trench coat. my husband who is an extremely light packer had room for my sneakers in his bag, but i probably could have stuffed them in my carryon. one thing that helps with liquids is to purchase small sizes of them once you reach your destination. also, most hotels have shampoo, conditioner, soaps and lotion, in addition to a hairdryer and iron. i never ever check bags and have done 2 week trips with my carryon. hi sherri. i saw your post on packing for a week you said you carry 3 cardigans , too much. pack one a neutral color that can go with everything ( black, white, beige). that includes the one you have on in traveling. i take my underwear that’s starting to frat or loose elasticity on long trips and then throw them away after weari. finally a reply with questions that i’ve thought of but not one list has addressed. thank you danny jane! to be fair, this simply categorized under “tips” as how to pack a week’s worth of clothes into a carry on. it’s not an exhaustive list for all your personal and individual necessities on a cross climate trip. i sooo agree with you wow, i hope you don’t travel a lot, as you sure seem quite unhappy! this was meant for a light packing tip, so knowing all the issues you brought up in your negative comments clearly makes it impossible to pack in such way . you know the old saying, can’t pack a 10 pound of potatoes in a 5 pound bag. you pack based on the climate zone you are traveling to. if your going somewhere cold you wear your heave jacket and pack things to layer…i’m not petite either but once you have traveled a few times you learn what you really wear and leave the rest behind…also i always rent apartments where there is a w/d to clean my clothes after a weeks wear i try to go carry one exclusively, even for longer vacations. and, i take everything, i am well prepared for almost any situation (ie. small umbrella, lightweight package down jacket, first aid kit, lots of shoes, etc) so, to be able to take everything i want, i also take a backpack (which counts as your personal item). the combination is equivalent to a larger suitcase. of course, i want a cute purse to use at my destination, therefore i pack it empty on my suitcase. make sure the backpack you choose has a slit to slide over your carryon handle. when my husband was alive we went on 23 cruises in 10 years. started out taking a large suitcase each. after about the 5th cruise we downsized to a carry on each. at one airport one guy was pulling 4 large suitcases. he said 1 was just all his wives shoes. i would only take 3 pair, 2 pr. flats for dinner dressing and 1 pr. canvas for walking off the ship. for formal night i wore a black dress and either wore a bright scarf or fancy necklace to make it look different. usually kept my colors coordinated like red white black or yellow white black. one one cruise i took a small sewing machine to sew a log cabin quilt i was working on. when it went thru the scanner the tsa lady asked if it was a breathing machine. (????)lol! i usually took1111 a quilt to work on by hand. on one cruise a guy asked if i could fix the hem on the skirt of his wife that had come out. i told him sure. i love this comment so much! you are awesome, carol. it is fine to travel carry on only if you are allowed 10+ kg, but the airline we’ve booked only allows 7kg, plus a small personal item. so it is quite a challenge to fit a week’s clothing into a carry on trolley case, which takes up about 1/2 the allocated 7kg weight. we’ll be doing laundry as we go and will take light weight clothing as far as possible. i suppose we’ll find out on our trip if it works out…. danny, let me address your points:   i take double the amt of my normal meds, in a 7 day pill sorter. fits in a zip loc bag between the 2 handle supports of the carryon, along with a lot more!   i wear plus size clothing. search youtube for “ranger roll”. it’s a packing game changer!   makeup is pared down to daily essentials. love the bare minerals starter pack sample size. makeup for 4 weeks! moisturizer is put in a travel size container (you don’t need 6 oz for 2 weeks!) it fits in a baggie inside a shoe.   climate changes: i wear an all season hooded car coat, with a removable lining on the plane. beret hat and cashmere lined leather gloves are in the jacket pockets. it goes in the overhead compartment. under that i have on a blazer (usually navy.) a tan blazer is put in a compression bag and becomes the first “layer” in the carryon, underneath the packing cubes.   laundry: a quick tip is to use disposable underarm shields in your clothes. i bring 1 oz of dawn in my liquids bag, along with 2 tide pods. when i’m rolling my clothes, i put a dryer sheet in the middle (cuts down on wrinkles and clothes smell great.) you have your fabric softener if needed.   underwear protection: pads are a fact of life   either for menstruation or urinary leakage. i put them in zip lock bags. these go between the handle supports of the carry on, under the cubes/ blazer bag.   toilet paper: if you’re going out of country, especially across the atlantic, then you need to bring tp with you! i do “pulls” of tp and roll them up, putting 4 pulls into a zip lock snack bag. they get tucked into the cubes between rolls. i hope this helps! katy, thank you for the tip about tp. i completely forgot about it. when we went to germany/paris in 2004 they didn’t provide tp. thank god i had tissues in my bag otherwise i would have been in a shits creek. literally!!. now i’ll be going to paris in july for a wedding and i’m already packed. lol everything is in zip lock bags and mini container for shampoo & containers. i wash the empty containers and refill them up. i don’t continue to buy the minis. i also take a pack of wipes, lysol spray and mini fabric spray. buying the mini towel is a great idea. i will have to get some. thanks for all you wise advise. i was in france last year, and several times to germany since 2012, and i have always been provided tp. i stay in mid priced boutique hotels usually. ditto to your entire reply 🙂 it truly can be done. acouple extra… 1) i bring a very very small rechargeable nebulizer. 2) also, look into pill “wallets”. i started using in 2022 and works better than big plastic pill boxes. i, too, bring double the meds my hubby would typically need. just an ask, regarding meds… doesn’t tsa require them to be in their original rx bottle with the label? if so, do you have any tips for that? i take multiple pills and supplements each day. i pack each day in small pill pocket zip bags. i put these all in a larger zip bag. i take photos of the containers showing the rx labels or supplement labels. this is easily found on my phone along with photos of “important documents. never have i had an issue. i recently traveled 31 days in europe on a combination of sea cruising and land adventures. all with carry on and a backpack as a personal bag. great suggestions, samantha and others! **update on earlier comment/reply… i found the answer i was looking for. *note to self lol, do research first, then ask questions! i have really enjoyed reading all the comments here and have written down some great travel tips! thank you all. happy traveling great tips! thank you!! tp: in the very rare case that it’s necessary you can buy at your destination, i wouldn’t take up valuable space with that. but where were you staying europe that did not provide tp?! i’ve always found tp everywhere i’ve stayed in europe in the last 25+ years (sweden, denmark, germany, france, czech republic, austria, italy, spain, finland, estonia…). i now live in europe and i’ve never stayed anywhere where they don’t provide tp, even public toilets in the street have it 90% of the time (but i always have tissues in my purse for public bathrooms in any country, you never know). i do have an indian friend that told us that if we ever went to india, we should bring tp. i’m about to look up ranger roll now! lol! i also always bring softener sheets in addition to making your clothing smell good, they can be used to eliminate static if you rub them on the clothing item where it’s clinging (i.e. tights or skirt). it sounds like you prefer to travel with more, that’s ok. but there isn’t anything wrong with these suggestions they will probably work best for people who feel confident that beauty lies on the inside. yes…we get the point. do you really have nothing better to do than criticize someone offering assistance to others? well it’s very annoying 🙄 and unnecessary. take the advice or don’t, but no need to be belligerent. i agree. i’m 6 ft tall, and use a walker. and i’m traveling to germany at the end of match. so i’ll need a jacket and some sweaters. i i wish i could use a carry on, but it just doesn’t seem possible. i’m going to figure out what i’m packing a few weeks before time and see which suitcase i’ll need. good luck and happy travels! dannyjane, if you need to carry medical devices, maybe this blog post is not for you and instead of making obvious and asinine comments, you might consider refraining just to keepthe world a nicer place. again, if your xxl clothes can’t fit into the suggested containers, maybe not pointing out the obvious is better for everyone here. some ladies don’t need or want to wear makeup especially when they wear makeup all day at work and vacation time is a good time to let the skin rest. carry your coat on the plane, troll! buy a sewing kit later if you bust through your outfit. why would she mention washing underwear after a menstruation accident, danny if you’re prone to accidents, surely you don’t need a tv host to help you out. be a big girl. take a gallon bag, some soap, and a clip to wash and dry your underwear or chunk it and buy more, idiot i bet you breathe through your mouth and have zero friends i packed for europe in january in a carry on and one large purse for 16 days. i had a large puffy coat, tall boots, and workout gear as well. it can be done. move along if this information doesn’t fit your needs instead of calling it “useless”. the tips in this article are for 1 week trips. the title says it. and it’s obviously intended for a city trip and not one that requires outdoor gear. if you can afford the kind of trip you mentioned, you can afford to buy toiletries at your destination if you have your period… as for those who have a medical condition, this is, again obviously, not intended for them. nowhere in the article does it talk down to those who don’t choose to pack light. she is just sharing tips for those of us who want to save time when circumstances apply. if you don’t like the article, move on. no need to be a troll. i’m 71, have medical equipment and medication . i manage to carry everything i need in a personal item bag and a small bag for my equipment. i always end up being the go to person for my family for something they forgot. we all have our own personal style. the above are just suggestions so thanks everyone. wow. people get behind a keyboard and say the most unkind words. not everything in your head needs to be spoken. just be a nice person. hi danny, so these tips apply to certain type of trips and obviously need to be adapted to individual needs. like all advice geared to a general audience ymmv. also you have a personal item in addition to the carry on suitcase. of course if your equipment takes up too much space, this is not applicable to you, but it is to many people and certain types of trips. and addressing your other points from my and my husband’s experience:   larger clothes: same concept, those packing cubes compress clothes very well. you can see hers are pretty floppy since they still have tons of room left, and when you really fill them up and them zip them closed everything is compressed. my hubby packs in one carry on, too. also put socks, belts or other small items inside the shoes you pack.   makeup and medication: i pack that in my personal item (backpack or large tote bag with cross body strap… but always with a sleeve to slide on the suitcase extendable handle) + chargers, documents, wallet, keys, kindle, phone….(laptop only if really necessary at my destination). i pack a small lightweight purse in the suitcase to use at my destination. i don’t wear a ton of makeup, and for my skincare i bring the bare basics, it’s just a week or 2, no need to bring the 47 step korean skincare routine.   jacket or sweater: you wear it on the plane and/or bring one of those compressible down filled jackets. and layer to adapt to any changing conditions, bring a fleece sweater or cotton cardigan (according to the temperature), a scarf or pashmina (i put it in my personal item to use as a blanket in the plane). a thin waterproof jacket is also something we always bring. also the bulkiest/heaviest shoes are the ones you wear on the plane.   most clothes you will have to wash once or twice during the trip, at least that’s what i do. bring a small container of detergent or even better one of those zero waste thin detergent sheets (like tru earth brand) and rip a tiny piece to dissolve in the sink and wash (underwear and tops). for trousers and jeans, i rewear and if necessary have them laundered at the hotel. also bring one of the tide pens to treat small stains. i also got one of those drying lines you can hang in the shower of hotels.   dirty laundry: bring another empty cube or a small thin bag (even a grocery bag works) to store dirty laundry (or unpack and use one of the cubes storing dirty laundry).   menstruation: i use a menstrual cup, and bring a few disposable panty liners if i think there is even a chance i will get my period (i’m not very regular). alternatively: bring a few disposable pads and buy more at your destination if needed. i’ve done up to 3 weeks with just carry on and love traveling like that. i feel free! also one of the few recent times we did check luggage (traveling to a family wedding with our kids, and then vacation), the airline lost one of our bags. the stress and hassle of that put me off checking luggage if i can avoid it. of course when my kids were younger it was impossible to travel without checking in luggage, we had to carry a ton of stuff! but sans kids, or now with older kids (each one brings their own carry on), it’s absolutely doable on most of our trips now. but i’ve also moved internationally with 9 suitcases, carryons, backpacks and our dog! you adapt to each situation. my carry on suitcase is super lightweight and very roomy, i looked high and low for one to maximise volume at the lowest possible weight (i believe it’s about 1.5 kg, definitely less than 2 kg). i believe that most people come back from trips and find they didn’t use half of what they packed. and if you suddenly find you need a certain item, sometimes it’s more convenient to buy it at your destination. what make and model of suitcase do you have? i too would like to maximize the weight to volume ratio of my carry on. thank you very much in advance!! a wise older friend of wine tilde me a long time ago, to pack old underwear and throw them out at the end of the day! it works great! i hear you. i agree with a lot of what she said but to solve a couple dilemmas you proposed: you saw where she put the leopard print shoes. stick a plastic bag in there and that’s where i put dirty underwear, in with my 2 pair of shoes. i agree with her on that; i only bring 3 pair of shoes and i wear the bulkiest of them on the plane, usually the sneakers. on my recent april trip to ireland i wore a navy cashmere turtleneck sweater, swing open irish cableknit sweater over it, and a lined hunter green trenchcoat over that, onto the plane. that gave me the layers i could add or take off during the trip. i organize around colors. on this trip it was navy, hunter green and ivory. two pair of pants (hunter green & khakis) plus jeans worn on the plane. two jerseys with long sleeves (one ivory, one navy & cream stripe) and two teeshirts (ivory and a green/navy print); two long sleeved shirts (chambray and green and white striped linen) and two skirts that have matching tops, so worn together they become a dress, worn apart you have different skirts & tops for more outfits. the matching skirt top combos are my secret weapon. i had a fancy dinner at ashford castle in one of them as a dress, and a day later put the same abstract navy print top with the jeans. i think a tiny sewing kit can be really helpful and i use the hotel soap to wash clothes if needed. i wear almost no make up, brought two pair of earrings and wore the third pair on the plane, and threw in 3 scarfs, two of which were able to double as a shawl. i filled those crevasses she described in the suitcase bottom with navy tights, a couple panty hose, a few socks and a couple bras, and a dozen silky underpants. a pair of soft pajamas got in there too. about suddenly needing feminine products, as my husband (rest his dear heart forever!) had said to me when we went for 4 weeks to europe years ago, and i had only a small backpack~~~”i will find you a pharmacy!” enjoy your travels! i am trying to do so again even without him. exactly! i have 14 prescriptions and if going out of the us, they’d have to be in original bottles! inside the us, i carry a pill case for a weeks trip. i wear size 18 ( sorry if i offend you size 4 and 2’s. my clothes are just a little bigger than yours. also my shoes are sturdier than a little pair of ballet flats. if you’re over 40, i doubt you can walk all day in ballet flats. ok, nuf said, but again…you get the idea. thanks 🙂 we now own a travel cpap… game changer! my husband and i prepackage medications in small daily plastic medication bags sold at pharmacies. copy your medication lists in case a custom’s official becomes curious…it’s never requested. hi nancy, i splurged and bought a travel cpap as well…no need for water and its dual voltage. huge game changer…saves tons of room. i also package my daily pills in little baggies and have all my scrips on my phone with a pic of the pill beside it. but luckily have never been asked either. taking a photo of the pill next to the prescription is clever. if you should get ill while traveling, that would be essential to a physician. i need to do this for my husband. thanks! i mean, you can be negative or just move on if it doesn’t work for you. i only bring carry on, and i’ve done it that way for multiple 2 week trips in europe. she didn’t mention every possible item, sure. but most places i’ve been sell anything i needed that i failed to bring. i believe samantha meant this to be helpful article to encourage travelers to reduce the amount of excess luggage that we often overpack. i myself have been able to go from two! what?! yes 2! checked luggage and one carry on, down to a single carry on and backpack for several 2 week trips and it has been liberating! however, to address your questions, here are my thoughts…. medical  yes, if required, assistive devices will add extra luggage to your trip. however, medical devices cannot legally be counted towards carryon so you would be able to bring them, your carryon and a personal item. as far as pills go  decant them to small ziploc bags and take pictures of your prescriptions if needed to present documentation. larger size i’m not tiny but my daughter is and my clothes do not take significantly more space than hers. pack lighter ie synthetic rather than heavier cotton etc makeup  sam mentioned the contact lens case for makeup. again decant  you need to bring much less product than you think. heavier clothing  sam mentions wearing a jacket and heavier items. pack a “packable” jacket   these shrink down to nothing. others traveling to varied climates have purchased inexpensive or thrift shop coats and donated them at the location. or pack them leave older or items you currently own but no longer wear at the destination. washing and sewing? bring laundry sheets as mentioned and a sewing kit menstruation  again laundry sheets and the world is a small place. there’s very few places you cannot buy basic supplies! happy travels! here’s a tip that works for me: look closely at the photo where she has a backpack slid over the handle of her carry on. i have a wonderful one that zips wide open on top, has a padded laptop section, just the right amount of pockets, and exterior cup holders. that’s where i pack my medication, tech devices/power bank & chargers, makeup, toiletries, spare prescription glasses, crossbody for daily use, reusable insulated tumbler (think hydroflask, stanley, etc.), and still have room to spare. while packing judiciously isn’t an option for everyone, maybe my tip will help you find more space. happy travels! your personal carry on is where you stash all that you mentioned. samantha did mention taking laundry sheets & a compression bag for dirty clothes. if you roll your clothes i’m sure they will fit in compression cubes. there is always the exception to the rule, but for the majority of us this is brilliant ~btw in most countries you can buy feminine hygiene products and you can wear a liner for those “just in case” days. i always have a tiny sewing kit, mole skin & tea tree oil. i’m sure samantha wears layers when needed. i know this is an old thread but maybe this will still help somebody. i have a solution to one of the issues named. when i went to mexico this last summer i racked my brain on how to fit all of my pill bottles along with everything else in my cary on. the solution i came up with was this. i picked up a pack of the little pill baggies they sell in the pharmacy at walmart. they are aprox 1.5”x2”. i then had the pharmacist print out new labels for all my meds. i took them home and placed the labels on the baggies. this way i had a container that had all the rx information that my be needed if questioned about them, without taking up as much room as a bottle. i then put all 11 pill baggies w a week’s worth of meds in a snack sz baggie. then instead of a pill organizer i took some extra pill baggies i had labeled with the days i would be gone. when we got to the hotel i sorted my pills for the week. also since the baggies are so small they can be hard to open. i put a small piece of colored tape on one of the flaps above the seal strip to make them easier to get ahold of. it took a bit of prep but it was worth it for the extra room. the label should be good for a year from the dated that’s on it. so depending on how much you travel you may get several trips out of your baggies. carry your meds in snack size baggies. get a label maker and label it. large sizes have to carry less items. roll them tightly and they’ll fit. she did have makeup. it was in the little zipped bag. get a small bag and take only what you really need. she did have a shawl and wore her sweater on the plane. see some of her commentary on hsn. she says all hard to pack items should be worn on the plane. she also said to buy some laundry slips. they are laundry soap in a sheet. put them in a baggie. get creative! keep a waterproof bag for damp and soiled laundry. are you helpless? i certainly understand your points dannyjane. i wear small size clothes and small shoes but traveling with climate changes can be an issue. especially, if you will be in warm and cool climates on the same trip. i can pack carryon for a warm climate trip but not for a cold climate or warm/cold climate trip. also, activities sometimes require more clothing such as hiking. i ❤️ to travel. the one thing i did last summer traveling to europe is to not waste your personal item on a purse. use a larger size bag to fit important items and your wallet, etc, from your purse. also, i started buying very small reusable containers for hair products that come in larger “pretty” containers. i try to always keep travel size toiletries ready to go for a quick 2 3 day trip. i don’t see packing cubes in the suitcase example. do you use them? on a recent trip to australia and new zealand, i had 4 intracountry flights on jetstar and quantas. they each allowed 7kg (about 15#) in carryons, including any handbag. and they weighed your stuff at the check in desk and again at the gate in some cases. i used an underseat bag for this trip which was lightweight and i’m so glad i did. my husband used a standard 19 inch carryon and had a hard time keeping under the weight limits. we brought a luggage scale and used it before every flight. alternative would have been paying excess baggage charge (not a small amount) on every flight. samantha’s tips are fine for standard flights but check the airline requirement for carryons (dimensions and weight) very carefully. barb i’m so glad you mentioned taking a scale! my husband and i are planning a trip for two weeks to italy and we have an intracountry flight as well and the carry on is only 16 lbs per person. there’s no way we’re gonna make the weight if they weigh our bags lol. but we’re taking a backpack to shift some of the weight and we’re taking a empty suitcase just in case. if the airline looses it at least it’s on the last leg of our journey before heading back home to the us. whenever i have to check a piece of luggage, i take a photo of the suitcase and print a copy of my ticket and add my cell number and contact info where i am staying. the airlines haven’t lost my luggage since i started doing this! thanks so much, samantha. your advice is terrific and with a few minor changes with regard to clothing, works just as well for men as it does for women. keep up the great work and i’m really enjoying “places to love”. what is “places to love”? does she have a show in missing? yes  places to love is on pbs! sweater? pool/beach sandals? 3 tops? are things not being washed? swimsuit? makeup? i would add: pashmina style wrap 2 more tops either mid long, or long sleeves skort/shorts do not bring light colored pants! too vulnerable for stains! i love my samantha brown carry on bag. but when traveling to different climates my suitcase is loaded and heavy. i’m short also and lifting it to the carry on compartment is difficult . sadly , no one , not even stewards want to help. i now fly mostly on southwest and always check my bag. i bring a smaller piece that will fit under the seat on the plane. cheryl, i agree on her bag. love it! how ever i cannot add much to it either because it is heavy. wondering if bag featured is one of sb’s line or a stock photo. i love the throw back shabby chic look. loved article and video, by the way. i have always wanted to be sb when i grow up! from someone who’s followed her via travel videos before her blog. a teacher who really wants to be a travel host lol. it’s not one of samantha’s bags, but agreed  it’s cute! yes, that was one of samantha’s bags. i have one just like it but in navy. i love the bag. the tsa bag she was using comes with the bag. i also use a pacsafe backpack as my personal bag. when in europe, i buy my christmas presents so i also take a foldable bag which folds into its own pocket. if i have have too many gifts/sourvenirs i put all the clothes, tsa bag, paper stuff, etc in my carry on and check it. i then use my folding bag as my carry on and my backpack as the personal bag. i have found that using the “kondo” folding method is the best for packing. you can fit a lot in a little space and you can see everything you have at one time. i love kondo method as well. i, too, bring facial washcloths with me on trips. i have found the erase the face brand from beth, bath & beyond to be excellent. to save space, i cut the cloths in half and hem them and get more bang for my buck. doing this also saves space. the fabric is very soft snd squishy and they pack well. they are designed to be used without soap for removing makeup but i like to use facial soap anyway. i have always gone by the three shoe rule as well when packing. it does really help. when it comes to washcloths, microfiber ones work really well. you can buy them at the dollar store. they remove make up really well without make up remover or cleanser. dollar tree sells little folded washcloths that unfold when wet….perfect for packing! loved the flat shoes! do you know the brand? we all get tired of decanting shampoo, but buying sample sized toiletries encourages the manufacture of more plastics, most of which are not recyclable, and invariably these end up polluting the beautiful places we want to see during our travels. when flying you can have a carry ons, plus your purse. i usually use a large tote like purse. that way i can have a book/e reader, scarf or sweater/light jacket, extra belt, etc. and it still counts as my purse. i am a flight attendant in australia and most of the domestic flights allow 7kg for carry on including your purse. i found it the same in the uk and europe except you had to put your purse inside your carry on as they only allow 1 piece. if you don’t want to get charged $60 per kg overweight at the boarding gate then i’d recommend paying $35 to check in 20kg (domestic). i’m a reduce/reuse type so i’ve found that baby washcloths get the job done, take up less room and dry quickly when laundered. for up to 14 days i use a carry on bag and a backpack (as my personal item) to bring on the plane on my way out. i put a large folded up canvas bag in the backpack. then on the way home i put all my clothes in the canvas bag and check it and then i carry on all my souvenirs in my carry on and backpack and can take those on the plane with me. that way my souvenirs are safe with me and make it home all in one piece. i use one large packing cube for my rolled up shirts and extra pair of pants. my second large cube goes empty in the bottom of my suitcase. then dirty clothes get stashed in this cube during the week. by the end of your trip you should have one empty cube again! sorry, but throwing away washcloths or underwear sounds wasteful. bring one washcloth and reuse it. fold it up to pack in a ziplock bag in the pocket of your suitcase before you leave. i always have a couple bags stashed there. yes, refilling small bottles gets tedious, but i try to use less plastic when possible. oh, and a small cube fits my clean underthings, then folds flat when empty. i have only brought along one extra pair of shoes and been fine, though i admit i am not a shoe person. thanks, samantha, i really enjoy your shows! if you’re using a washcloth just for your face, reusing it is fine. but if it’s for your entire body, you really shouldn’t reuse it without proper laundering. i throw mine away unless i know there will be a place to launder them. maureen, of course you can reuse a washcloth if you’ve used it on your entire body! wash your body, then rinse the cloth, then put soap on it, then squish it, then rinse it and hang dry. what’s the difference between laundering it and washing it out in the shower   soap is soap, maureen. you are wasteful if you’re throwing washcloths away after one use. throwing away old underwear on a trip is t wasteful since they can’t be donated and would end up in the trash anyway. i will be traveling to europe for 5 weeks this fall. i will pack a carry on and a knapsack as my personal item. i pack a small daypack in my carry on. my best tips are to get compression packing cubes, pack easy to wash and dry underwear (bali has some wonderful lightweight bras with interchangeable foam cups) so i can pack 10 bras and 10 pairs of underwear in one small compression packing cube. i also pack nylon pants and tops and can generally get a weeks worth of clothes in my bag. two pairs of shoes max. i keep my bag weight to around 30 lbs. my knapsack gets my kindle, chargers, medicine, headphones, passport, etc. i generally check my bag on the way home. that leaves me with my two backpacks as carry ons on the way home. i’m okay if it takes awhile for my dirty clothes to get home if they lose my bag on the way home. wow, 10 bras? i bring three at most because i can get a couple of days use out of one and then wash it in the sink. hi nancy i know you posted your comment so long ago and i’m not sure if you’re just visiting bali or if you live there but i have a random question by chance do you remember where you purchased your bras and do you know know if they have a website or some way to order their products? bali is the name brand of a line of bras. you can find them at retailers such as jcp, kohls, and other dept stores. i stuff my shoes with “stuff” socks, jewelry in little pouches, crinkly fabric scarves, etc. not only is this a space saver, stuffing the toes helps keep their shape. naturally i wear the bulkiest shoes on the plane. regarding the carry on … i also use a backpack as my personal item, carry a small purse inside, but keep my meds close. also, always roll a pagmina that is multi use …even as a small throw on the plane. my itinarary and toothbrush. lastly, it has pockets for chargers, and a water bottle! i always bring flip flops for hotel room. don’t like walking barefoot on floor, carpet or bathroom. i do have thong sandals that can work as well and can also be used to walk around. between meds, chargers, small toiletries bag and clothes, i need at least 22” and backpack. agree with you about the hotel floors. i bring a pair of walmart ballet slippers that can be thrown away after my last hotel stay. they are about $8 for two pair and very lightweight and easy to pack. when i may need to wash undergarments or do some sink laundry, i carry an all purpose soap, un scented liquid soap that is for washing my body but is a passable detergent for some quickie laundry., the person who suggested packing a canvas bag for clothing so souvenirs can go in the carry on on the way home is brilliant! as someone who loves buying souvenirs for people back home, this is very useful information. shrink bags. dirty clothes go in shrink bags. it keeps dirty clothes from clean and makes room for souvenirs at the same time. packing cubes are essential. especially if they’re compression cubes. roll up anything that doesn’t fit well if folded. packing folders are best for nicer shirts and blouses to keep them less wrinkled and easier to access, especially if living out of a suitcase. i use tissue paper and/or dry cleaning plastic to fold and pack between my husband’s nicer shirts. i don’t think i could pack a week’s worth of clothes in a carry on but i do have a tip to share. before i travel i buy all new stuff   underwear, socks, t shirts, shoes….etc. when i travel i pack all of my old stuff. on vacation, at the end of each day, i throw out the old things i wore that day. at the end of my trip i have so much extra space! when my husband and i traveled in india, laundry was done by hand, inexpensive and amazing except it really wore out my clothes. so i would leave clean, folded, clothes on a chair in our room when we left  hoping someone could use them. more room for souvenirs! check out truearth laundry sheets. one sheet is about 1.5×3”. i tear a small piece off for a hand washing in the sink. easy to pack, take up no space, environmentally friendlier than large plastic bottles. i use them at home all the time too. https://www.tru.earth/ i carry a small empty spray bottle that i fill with water at my destination. lightly mist clothes to release wrinkles. works great. i wear a travel vest with 42 pockets. i don’t necessarily fill them all. the back turns into a backpack if necessary. you can make it heavy or light, as you wish. especially useful if i’m in a bulkhead seat and have no luggage nearby. i like to wear it instead of carrying a purse, especially if i’m going someplace tricky, like a flea market. what company makes a 42 pocket travel vest? instead of dragging cotton wash cloths to europe and throwing them away as i go, i take a quick drying mesh face wash and reuse it daily. or a flat mesh back scrubber cut to size. a quick zap with a hair dryer or pressing it in a bath towel dries it enough to pack it. as far as skin care…i’ve bought the cadence brand of jars. they are magnetic and will attach to one another. i can get more than two weeks of all my skin care in them and go through tsa. bar shampoo and conditioner are also great! i’m an over packer and trying to get better at packing light. i just spent two weeks in scotland and came back with a stuffed, heavy suitcase. ..well, some of that might have been the three bottles of whisky! i used packing cubes and compression bags to help with all the yarn and souvenirs i brought back i did get all my christmas shopping done! to save space in your tsa bag and not have to decant, there are solid shampoos and conditioners (like gemz), or shampoo bars that are like a bar of soap. the gemz are individually packaged so you can take actually what you need. you can also get bar lotions. normally at home i use the 7 day pill containers. but i figured when they were empty they would take up the same amount of room. so when i travel i use little pill baggies. i use either the ones in the pill container section or little baggies in the crafting area of stores. i use a permanent marker to label am and pm. you can keep them to use again or throw them away. those 7 day pill containers also make great containers for rings, earrings and necklaces. when i went to italy last year, i purchased a package of disposable ponchos (5 of them were only about $6 on amazon). they were much less hassle than an umbrella. i had to travel with a portable oxygen concentrator. the poncho would protect me and the concentrator. if i wanted i could just throw it away when i was done or keep it for another day. i agree with using bar shampoo and conditioner   they’re a great space saver and leave my hair feeling no different from my regular liquid shampoo and conditioner. i’ve gotten them both online from the earthling co. and at the lush store. thank you all for the tips. i’ve gone from a serial overpacker to a carry on packer. weight is a consideration for me since some of the european flights have a carry on weight limit. here are some of my carry on tips: solid toiletries such as shampoo, conditioners, lotions, perfume, sun screen, etc are on the market and don’t count as liquids, laundry sheets are great for washing a few items and lite weight, bath gloves take the place of wash cloths and are quick dry, package vitamins and medications in small plastic (little)bags. your pharmacist can print a label. plan a wardrobe with neutral colors and add a scarf or belt for a flash of color, wear heaviest items on the plane, hygiene wipes are good replacement for a roll of toilet paper, make up remover sheets don’t count as liquids, layer clothes if going from cooler weather to warmer climates.. there is a science behind layering that is helpful. good luck everyone! any way you get to see the world will be fun! it is no wonder we have a trash problem with all these folks throwing away washcloths. sure, bring them along…but figure out how to bring them home and use again. holy cow people. very good ideas,samantha! i personally have a solution for my packing: i pack black & white clothes. one red pashmina, a black pair of casual pants i wear on the plane with a white shirt, a cardigan and warm jacket and my heavier shoes( short boots). in my case are 4 white tops or black n white patterned ones. 4 sets of underwear.and a dressy pair of slacks or long black skirt. i accessorise with colourful jewellery and a thin scarf and i also fit in a pair of flat ,neat shoes and my make up( very basic stuff) and medicines.. i have had my large suitcase gone on a trip without me! not fun! that big suitcase has actually seen more of the world than i have!😁 i use sheets laundry sheets. they take up no space and you can tear them to the size you need to match the job. an elderly friend, now gone, took groups from her university traveling all over the globe. she allowed only backpacks. she insisted each bring an inflatable hanger for quicker drying of hand washed clothing. another friend always saved her worn out underwear for future trips. then while on a trip, once used they went into the trash. no smelly underwear in her suitcase. my “personal item” is a backpack that fits under the seat but packs like a suitcase, lots of room for an extra scarf, maybe an extra pair of sandals with my toiletries, makeup, chargers, cords etc) ipad and reading material and a small purse that i use once i am at my destination. would love a suggestion for leak proof moisturizer containers. i bought one online that said it was leak proof but after most flights the moisturizer has leaked on the other toiletries and is messy. use solid bar shampoo and conditioner instead of liquid. lush sells them as well as other places if you google. dr bonner’s castle bar soap   body, hair, clothing. hemp based unscented. bandanas or men’s white hankies for wash cloths, wrapping food from market, cotton, wash overnight & air dry. laundry sheets great as well. for cool weather, 2 wool sweaters that can be layered, or used as scarf in merino or cashmere. good, large silk scarf. also cool weather   light long underweer, silk or poly. for under any clothing. i pack carry on only and a backpack on several european 2 week plus trips one of the best suggestions for traveling light is merino wool. it can be very light weight and if you use deodorant, not antiperspirant you can wear these tops  long or short sleeve 4 5 times and they will not absorb smells  sweat. antiperspirant which has aluminum damages the merino wool. purchase a few colors that go together and accessories and you’re all set. “we travel to see and not be seen” thanks for these tips, samantha. some are ones i already use & are reminders to use again:limit shoes, comfortable+space saving & bring those space saving “gussy up an outfit” accessories, scarves/turkish towels/pashminas are a favorite of mine, so versatile! new ideas on how to reduce liquids bag contents as much as possible…cologne/perfume on cotton balls/rounds in a ziploc type bag. genius! i will use thanks for all the great tips! i’m taking my first 6 day bus trip in april and excited to see how efficiently i can pack. great tips! i always bring old underwear, socks and pyjamas on a trip so they can be discarded if i buy more than i planned to, to make suitcase space. just styling your hair differently can really change your appearance too if you’re self conscious about wearing similar outfits all week. great post. i’ve read some where they advise a list of clothing to take which absolutely will not fit in a carry on. your ideas allow for customization, are practical and make sense. i also love packing cubes. i love a capsule wardrobe because it makes travel super easy. and your tip about wearing the bulkiest item on the plane is truly the most practical thing anyone writing about travelling and luggage has ever posted. i think you nailed it. so interesting to read these travel posts! i’m a longtime sb fan:) favorite mode of travel (for me) was when i lived in an rv! no packing required. only prior to that i was an extensive sw airlines traveler. eventually i learned to travel light w/carry on only. at this time just 1 small tip (for what it’s worth, from my 89 years young mom): she mailed all of her clothing to my house   before she flew to see me for a month long visit, with just her purse and small personal bag on the plane. (though on a past trip from us to greece, to visit family, my mom opted to keep her luggage with her!) your email address will not be published. required fields are marked * name * email * website comment * δdocument.getelementbyid( "ak_js_1" ).setattribute( "value", ( new date() ).gettime() ); with the holidays coming up, i know a lot of us are gearing up to… the thanksgiving holiday isn't only the start of shopping season, it's unrivaled as one of… what you do before traveling can really ease stress. there’s a certain amount of paying it… places to love sponsors get on the list you’re one click away from getting the latest travel tips, great new vacation ideas & fun destinations directly in your inbox! copyright ©2025 samantha brown media inc. | privacy policy & terms of service

hi, my husband is a cocaine addict, i’ve been married for 10 years been together for 16 years. my husband is my best friend, a very loyal, honest and loving man before addiction took hold. my husband was practically teetotal before trying cocaine once when he was 30, given to him by a good friend on a day to watch the football. he soon became hooked but this was kept a secret from me for 4 years. he would use when me and my children were asleep in bed. all unknown to us. his behaviour changed massively over this time, paranoia, moodiness and generally being off with us and everyone else, these were the signs, but i failed to see the cause. i often thought he was having a midlife crisis or experiencing some kind of depression. then the night i found out it was cocaine, was the night i was pregnant with our 5th child, he went out to buy dinner and came home intoxicated. he lied and denied everything. we had an explosive argument and shamefully i threw a cup at him. he was enraged and left! he went to stay with a friend who doesn’t use drugs. during his period away, his behaviour become worse, he hated me, he blamed me for everything, he lost his job “that was apparently my fault” as he failed a drug test. he started trying to move on, messaging other women on facebook, telling them we had been separated ages ago and how i was abusive and how he didn’t love me. (this man adored me, everyone said the same, he’d ring me roughly 4 times everyday just to talk to me and see how me and the children were, during the whole of our relationship). he stole two cars belonging to relatives and drove intoxicated to pick up drugs. he was arrested for the one and charged. he bought cocaine on the way to the cinema when he was with our children and used throughout the film, making regular trips to the bathroom. i could go on and on! despite most of these occurrences, he still didn’t think he was an addict, he thought it was probably a bit of an issue, but he definitely was not an addict! i could see the horror on his face when it was ever suggested. to him, heroin or crack users were addicts, not him. this caused me great upset, as if he wasn’t an addict, that meant these were all choices. he went to live with his mum even further away and being so far away from us made him realise what he was missing. he got a job and trained hard at the gym, but never attended meetings. he came back and was clean for 6 months just in time for our baby to be born. he was fab with her and went back to being the fab dad to our other children that he was pre drugs. i was so happy that i felt i had the old him back. two weeks before christmas he relapsed, he was given some on community services, as apparently that’s a thing, it’s a jolly boys outing for drugs. i was devastated, he didn’t come home and confess, the lies started straight away and this time he couldn’t convince me, i knew he was using. he spent the next few weeks using and sleeping rough in our garage, as i wouldn’t let him in our house because i don’t want drugs around my children, especially now i’ve got the baby. the bit that hurt me the most was during one of these reckless nights, he didn’t come home for me to go on my work party, i found him slumped in the pub, alone with the barmaid. he’d apparently told her she was an attractive girl! not in a pervy way, she said it was said in a conversation, but he was also missing his wedding ring. when i asked him why, he denied everything, he said his ring was off before he went out and swore on our children’s lives. he’s not the sort of person to cheat, at all! so again it confused me. he then confessed to saying it in hope she’d flirt back, to make him feel good about himself, as i’m always threatening him with divorce and he feels like a scum bag, at the best of times. i’ve said horrible things to him in the past, that has made him feel insecure. the once in temper i told him he wasn’t attractive to me. this was said in anger because he was behaving appallingly, but it seemed to stay in his head. he still swore he would never cheat though and that he loves me more than anything. i think he’s doing this because he knows with me now, he can no longer hide his addiction, i will eventually leave him and he’s putting feelers out for moving on. however, he says you don’t think like that when you’re on drugs, there’s no logic behind it, or thinking of moving on. you just act out on what you’re thinking at the time, every time you feel differently. it’s all still so confusing for me. i just wish he’d go back to the man he was before. it’s so horrible to see someone you love, go on self destruct and there’s nothing you can do for them. simular story to me. but im the user, well 2 weeks soba so far. i did the cinema thing im ashamed to say. your husband is an addict. i never thought i was but i am. if you have it for more than 6 months than you are you have planted the seed as they say. whats the situation now? do you still want be with him? does he want to quit? hi yes i love him more than anything and i know he does me. it’s just i don’t understand it, he says when you get the thought in your head to use, you can’t stop from using even though you don’t want to, your brain makes you think you do. he says you kid yourself too thinking 2 lines will be ok, but it never is, then you kick yourself when you’ve used but then you’re feeling anxious and need alcohol to calm you down or more coke. it’s a big cycle really. he says if he feels stressed or bad on a come down he will use again and if he’s bored. he needs to go to meetings. our relationship was perfect we never fought once, never had any trust issues, but the drug has made our relationship toxic, he was accusing me of having affairs when i’d never dream of such a thing. in my temper i told him he wasn’t that attractive to me, as he hounded me for 10 months about the fact that i’d slept with other men before i met him. this was never a problem for 14 years, then suddenly it was. i got fed up of the abuse, not realising at the time it was down to drugs. i am pretty sure i lost the man i was talking to due to cocaine. it just suddenly clicked and made sense. we had been talking for 10 months. over those 10 months i noticed a steady mental health decline. he also brought up cocaine quite a few times in our conversations and i just never picked up on it. i just though he had alcohol problems. but it makes sense the depression, anxiety, him always complaining about his health. a few times i remember him being super loud and confident over for absolutely no reason and it drove me nuts. he recently decided to randomly shut me out and then appears with some girlfriend that i never even heard of and i don’t think he has known long at all. he just didn’t make sense at all. the constant back and forth behavior etc, the bad anxiety. i’m paranoid now he will end up cheating on me, as his head gets so mashed up. think he’s suffering from low self esteem and wanted an ego boost. he said in his head it’s only a matter of time before i leave him and take the kids, then he’ll have nothing. but i try and be supportive but i can’t stand him still lying to my face, even now. why can’t he just admit he’s used when he has? yeah that sounds bad. i’m so sorry. going through the same thing. he says he’s never cheated on me? yeah right? why should i believe him honestly its same what i do. but ive learned now how to avoid these trigger points. he needs to start planning ahead for his next relapse. he needs delete all his mates nums and dealers out his phone. he needs take up a hobbie and play the tape through.. basically imagine what will it be like if he picks up tonight , does he really want to feel shitty and down after it. does he want to quit? hi is there any chance you could talk to my boyfriend about how cocaine affects you and your brain please because he doesn’t seem to listen to me he is so paranoid it’s unreal he accuses me 24/7 when i’ve done nothing wrong just looking after my baby i don’t know what to do with him anymore i need someone to talk to him just so he knows i’m not just saying it can any cocaine users help me please??? i know danman will have a helpful insight into this but have you tried calling the cauk number yourself. they might be able to speak to your boyfriend and maybe even persuade him to come to a meeting. they might help you a little too. cocaine can make you very, very paranoid and almost delusional really. my husband said the most bizarre and horrible things in active addiction. please look after yourself and your baby because things can get very nasty when the discussions get heated. maybe have an escape plan in your mind if you need to get away fast. i didn’t know my husband was on cocaine but i knew his alcohol usage was off the scale. i would literally have 999 at the ready in my pocket most weekends when he was at his worst, i never had to use it though…the threat was enough to shut him up a bit (probably because he didn’t want to be busted for drugs). if your bloke is using frequently then his mind is completely hijacked at the moment, he just won’t be thinking straight. that’s why he won’t listen to you. big hugs to you and your baby, you’re not alone, we’re all here for you x he says he wants to but never learned the techniques to say no, he’s living with his mum now 3 hours away from us, as social services got involved as i phoned the police on him one night after we were arguing as i can’t cope with him when he goes off on these week long self destruct benders. he says whilst he’s there he’s going to go to loads of different meetings to kick it once and for all but it will be years before i ever fully relax. can i ask you, could you cheat on coke? i know it makes you horny but he says no you still know what you’re doing. but if you do know what you’re doing why would he tell the barmaid she was attractive? he said you just chat shit and stuff you say doesn’t have to be a reason for it. he says i’m always thinking stuff he’s said and done is from a logical point of view and he said it’s not, everything is distorted and messed up! the triggers are alcohol, boredom and depression. alcohol is the worst trigger! i would say that he needs to keep himself busy to keep his mind off it and stay away from the pub/mates who do it etc. in regards to cheating  men normally can not get it up when on it but it can sometimes make you horny. other times you’re too dazed to even think about sex. you can not stop talking and sometimes talk absolute nonsense for the sake of talking! same thing here, fourteen wonderful years of marriage and not a cross word. a perfect marriage for both of us. then came the coke. it has destroyed my life. it hasn’t destroyed his though as he is a different person. he hasn’t got a problem. sometimes i think that he has blanked out all of these happy years. he has no emotions. i love my husband but this thing he has become i am coming to hate. i too hope my husband returns to being the loving man he used to be. hi, well last february my husband was literally a monster, i didn’t recognise him at all, the way he would speak to me and make me cry, my lovely husband wouldn’t do this. he left me and his kids new year’s eve 2017 just ran out and tried to score drugs although i was unaware of that at the time, i thought he’d just become a horrible, vile person. it all makes sense now. he was so far away from the person he was. if i was ever upset my husband would cry because i was upset before drugs. then when i caught him using in our house in feb with our kids in the house and lied to my face, i shamefully admit i threw a glass at him, i blame pregnancy hormones. he then went on a week long rampage, that’s when he started adding loads of women on fb telling them we’d been spilt for ages. he told everyone i was abusive and he wasn’t willing to put up with it, not mentioning the drugs, so i outed him! to everyone. this made him furious! he literally hated me that week! i cried all the time, my pregnancy was ruined then when he stopped taking drugs for a bit he realised what he had done and was really upset he said he loved me more than anything but drugs had made him hate everyone and everything. he also got like depression in between using, he said he didn’t feel love towards me or the kids or anything. he just felt numb. he said if his dad died at the time he wouldn’t have been bothered. try not to take it personally, i’m sure he does love you really, it’s just coke is a mind altering drug, until he’s off it not much can be done. that’s the most heartbreaking thing. plus i want my husband to come back to normal so bad, i’ve learned that if i set boundaries but am nice to him and try to understand he opens up more. when i used to think what he was doing was a choice i’d fight with him, which made it all 10 times worse. i tell him that i love him and when he’s clean we will be here for him. although i’m not sure when that will be! if i was upset or cried my husband would cry with me. before the coke took hold. there is no love towards me he feels like a different person. like you say if his dad died he would have no emotion now. i have stopped getting angry with him and try to be what was my normal self its hard work when all i want to do is rip his head off. hopefully he will realise that coke is the problem. it has definitely altered his mind. bless you, thats so horrendous. thats my worst nightmare you know, being pregnant and feeling the way i do at the moment. you are right, it makes them so so selfish, i have cried my heart out and said i am leaving and hes snuck out the front and sniffed cocaine again, that comes first. mine knows he needs help and hes getting it, at the moment he does it about once a month so is in ‘recovery’ i suppose, as before he was drinking like 5 days a week and probs doing cocaine as well, not that he’ll admit it. mine relapsed on wednesday, he went mad last night in rage and threw our wheelie bin across the garden   this is what drugs/alcohol do to him the days after, his mental health is massively affected, he cries and hates it, i am so so done with crying. he is so determined but i have heard it so many times before. counselling starts monday. i cant cope with the anxiety i am living with daily. b8988   how did you stop getting so angry when your husband does it? when mine relapses i get so angry, i dont blame you for throwing a glass to be honest. cocaine brain makes them so so selfish, like no feelings   what a vile disgusting horrible drug, i have prayed and asked god to help, and ive never been religious even. i am so done with it all its bringing me down. i wanted to start a family with him, i am still young but thats not possible right now.. i dont want to go through this forever. i get exactly the same! it makes me so angry! last week he came home again off his face, i threw water over him and threw shoes at him! i hate that he makes me so angry 🙁 he is also a cryer after and says how he will never do it again etc but he just can’t stick to it longer than 5 days now literally you need to remind him of the man he used to be or rather what he could be like again in the future. trouble is it depends where he is in the cycle. when my husband was deep in it last year i’d pour my heart out in messages and say people don’t know how i’m coping and he’d reply with “you deserve a medal” he was disgusting! he just seen me as some naggy wife who was ruining his life, if your husband is at that point there is no more you can do for him until he either has a period when he’s not using so much ( brain levels may return to somewhat normal) or he realises that he’s more miserable on the drugs then off! xx i think i’m probably skirting round the nagging wife phase. i have to wait for something to happen like you say either he doesn’t use as much or he takes too much and comes to his senses. i do when we have a conversation remind him of past happy times. but conversations are few and far between now. before the coke we would converse about anything all of the time. i would love if we could have a conversation!! i would love to know what your signs were that you saw etc. yes it makes u do stupid things. i did it once to my gf. and am gutted about it and regret it . georgia26  when he started sleeping rough in my garage. my garage is a horrible filthy place, it has a leaky roof and he down the garden. to stay in there at night because he has nowhere else to go in minus degree weather showed me that no one would choose this life. i suppose it’s like looking at homeless people or prostitutes, you wouldn’t choose to do them things would you? so that shows how much of a pull the drug must have. although i still get upset at his behaviour, my brain still kids me that he doesn’t love me as if he did he would stop. but i know my real husband loved me to death, everyone says he idolised me, that’s the bit that makes it so hard. he’s withdrawn from old friends now and associating with local young lads (idiots) (chavs) who probably only take coke recreationally. although when he’s on a come down he will admit he only does that because it’s part of the drug circle, he’d never associate with them normally. he used to be a really respected man, he was a fireman. i went mad when i caught him in the pub without his wedding ring and he’d told the barmaid she was attractive, i still don’t know what that was about as normally i have no trust issues at all. i don’t know if it’s becsuse the drug makes you horny although he says if that was the case wouldn’t he have said something more sexual than “ oh youre an attractive girl” or it was as he said he felt like shit and was after attention as he realises it’s only a matter of time before i leave him as i threaten it so often. he’s moved away now to try and get clean, he’s going to na meetings and attending church groups although he’s never been religious. i know what you mean though, how will you know that they are trying for themselves? i sometimes think he does it just so i don’t leave him then comes back and it happens again. this time i’ve told him it has to be long term as i’m not going through it again! how sad, its like the person you love and know dies but theyre still there alive just a different person. my bf is only doing it once a month self medicating for his anxiety but i am worried itll get to this point, he is getting help, but i am struggling to deal with the relapses and stuff i get so angry, my life is on hold until he sorts this, i cannot start a family with him, i dont want to be pregnant going through this. sending you lots of love and strength b8988. hoping to god mine gets over this stage, sometimes i wonder what on earth ive done to deserve this. xx yes it’s like they’ve died but even worse, because at least if they had you know that they were a good person and still loved you. what you’re left with is a monster hiding in the body of the person you love. you can’t trust a word they say, even over little things that aren’t drug related, it’s like their whole personality has changed. this drives you mad and you question your own sanity even though you know really it’s them! it’s so bizarre! hi. unfortunately i am now an addict for 3 years and over 40! it took me off guard as i was fighting depression and this seemed to help. i can confirm that although you still love your family it without doubt takes a bit of your soul and makes you extremely manipulative and cold and your sole purpose is to get coke, talk about coke or factor in when you can next take it. its awful and exceptionally hard to give up. it really is the devils food welcome, i haven’t been on for a while, mainly due to the fact my husband has now been clean since feb. in the past he’d tried to quit so many times, however i think that was due to me threatening to leave etc. rather then him wanting to quit for himself. i started working on me, i went to al anon, i realised finally that i was fighting a losing battle. i realised that no matter what i did, or said, it wasn’t gonna change anything. so i made a decision to leave and not have contact with my husband, this time though i wasn’t angry with him, i wished him well and tried to move on alone. this seemed to be the turning point where he realised he now had nothing else to lose, me and his kids were the last thing. i think he knew i’d began to change. anyway, all the other times he was still very much in an addicts mindset, he was still secretly taking codeine, as i’d find packets etc. i guess that’s why his personality never really went back to being 100% normal. this time however he’s completely free from all drugs. i’ve completely changed how i am with him though. i know that if he’s gonna use, he’s gonna use. all the worrying and trying to stop it happening won’t change a thing, he’s free to do as he wishes, if he chooses that path that’s up to him. obviously i’ll be upset but i’ll cross that bridge when/if it happens. i’ve recently had some major health issues, i seem to be having some neurological problems, numbness etc. the dr thinks it’s an inflammation of my nervous system. i don’t know if the stress of all i had to deal with last year has anything to do with it but it has made me realise that i need to look after myself better! no one is worth making you sick! i’m now trying to eliminate all stress and am trying my best to live the best life i can. i wish you well 🙂 this is great news   i think thats the way forward, accepting if it happens, it happens, nothing we can do will stop them. i wish you and your husband well.. and i hope you are ok and you get the health issues all sorted! take care my love !! i hope you live a happy stress free life :):) good luck to your husband too xx thanks hun, i’ve just been looking at everyone else’s posts since i’ve been inactive and it’s awful! i remember being exactly the same, trying to hunt for clues that they are using, wondering why they were acting the way they were, why they wouldn’t stop! now it’s kind of laughable, as you can’t and won’t ever be able to understand something that’s not logical! it’s all madness! it’s not until you step outside you’ll realise how ill you become by trying to second guess their every move! you have to actively seek help for yourself to begin to heal though. i hope you are good too georgia. xx i also left, and also suffered numbness of fingers, swollen joints etc. palindromic rheumatism and carpal tunnel x i know it’s brought on by stress as when i was at home with him i suffered with some kind of joint pain everyday, when i left it went, yet when i had to have something to do with him it came back with avenganse x horrendous the effects it has on your health c hi all just checking in to see how you’re all doing <3 welcome rev.. and well done for getting/seeking help, you got to start somewhere. were always here for a chat if needed, dan on here is also recovering and gives brilliant advice! hello all. i look at peoples posts and think we were there not long ago. looking for answers, trying to get our heads round what was happening in our once happy lives. ‘husband’ is now detained at hmp. mad part is if my husband relapses i don’t doubt that i’ll go back to acting as desperate as i was before. that’s why it’s important for me to keep attending meetings, just as it is for them, otherwise we slip back into our old habits too. maybe whilst your husband is away he might come to his senses. you never know a period without drugs may have brought some of the old him back. i’m glad you are getting something positive out of your meetings. i have been to the docs and got anti depressants they are helping and i’m going to cbt therapy in a few weeks time. this addiction affects us all. i was hoping he would return to his old self but it hasn’t happened. he was actually using up until he was imprisoned. i have a husband who also adores me and most of the time life is great but every few months he disappears to a hotel and goes on a binge for several days. i have no idea where he is and the whole scenario makes me a nervous wreck worrying that he will have a heart attack or run into problems. he thinks what he does is perfectly normal and acceptable. i am a nurse and am fully aware of what could happen to him. and i am also very open minded but cannot and will not condone this behaviour. i have had 13 years of this and the minute i go away he does this as well. i have called help lines who confirm he has an addiction even though it is not on a frequent basis. he also saw a counsellor who obviously took my side. i also went to families anonymous which just confirmed it is him at fault and not me. any suggestions anybody? i have nobody to turn to and have elderly parents who i do not want to worry. am seriously thinking leaving him now as it is affecting my health. he has no intention of stopping and says i have a mental blockage? hi there, as georgia has said until he comes to the decision that he wants to stop ultimately this will continue to be your life. see i was the other way, i’ve always been anti drugs so the minute i knew my husband was using, i’d throw him out, he’d promise to stop, he would for a short time, then start again then i’d throw him out again! nightmare of a merry go round that never ends. my story come to a head because his usage upped, his mood became erratic and honestly vile! so i outed him and we both nearly lost everything, but i knew i couldn’t continue. looking back now, i should have walked away calmly but it’s not that easy when the person you love becomes a monster who lies constantly to your face and won’t stop no matter what you threaten. be warned though, my life got worse the minute my husband admitted he was an addict, or at least he had a problem, ( don’t think he ever fully admitted to himself he was an addict) as then they go on to act as recklessly as they want because “ now they’ve got a problem” it’s almost like now you know it excuses the behaviour. my husband before i knew about his cocaine use would never just disappear or turn his phone off, he had no reason to. the minute i knew, that’s when they cut contact as they know they are gonna be in trouble, they know you’re gonna try and talk them into stopping or coming home. they then see us as nags! it’s not really them at this point, it’s the addict. that’s why if you look a lot of the men on these posts they try and move on or start associating with new friends, they’d never do this normally, but now you are the enemy! and these new friends are there to make them feel better about what they are doing! basically if you aren’t happy, do something about it! but don’t get caught up like i did of letting him back, then doing it all again. stick to your guns, if you leave don’t let him back until you know he’s 100% serious about stopping for good. you’ll know. he might choose to be single, but it won’t be long before it all comes crashing down. nothing good ever comes out of drug use. xx i can read from your post that he has played the usual addict card by telling you it’s your fault and your wrong for what your saying to him! and even bringing it up as an issue. get out of there, he’s manipulating, controlling and twisting everything you say and worst of all, making you question yourself!! it’ll only get worse x run for the hills xx no1 is too blame, you can’t blame yourself but you also can’t blame the addict as it will just make the situation worse, its not about blaming someone and making sure that your in the right, that’s a nobrainer, it’s help, support and love he needs, any most importantly someone too trust and talk too hi vanilla i wish i had more positive suggestions for you   unless he sees this as a problem and admits he has an addiction, there is literally nothing you can do. it takes them to hit rock bottom to admit they need help. i think youve tried everything by the sounds of it. you really cant control his addiction  i thought i could and honestly youll just make yourself ill and sick with worry. i know its hard but i really think if he isnt willing to seek help and is still blinded by his addiction you should just leave, especially if its making you ill! i feel for you, as i know the feeling, my other half used to go missing as soon as he got the chance.. the feeling it leaves you with is horrible isn’t it, the anxiety i built up over time used to make me feel physically sick.. if he didnt answer his phone i used to go into panic mode, its no way to live… honestly, take some time out and do you for a while   if he wants to change and shows signs of commitment to change then maybe reconsider but all the time hes doing this and hes not getting help i would leave, do you have ties? mortgage? kids? its like you lose the person you love isnt it… i hate the stuff and what it does to people x hi georgia i know what you mean about the anxiety, it’s awful! my husband text me the other day to say he had to stay late at work, then again to say that he’d be even later, i immediately felt sick to my stomach that he might be lying and dreading if he’d relapsed! but i gave him the benefit of the doubt. i drove to pick him up and there he was still loading the van. i was so relieved, but i realised how awful it is even now, still on edge. my marriage counsellor said when people experience trauma they seek reassurance that the trauma won’t happen again. so anything that comes up that might threaten our security sends a panic signal. our body can’t tell real panic from false, but the longer we go without that trauma happening again the less we get startled. i’m gonna try and practise headspace meditation. i need to remember to focus on me. like they need to continue to see cocaine as being bad, we need to continue to focus on us, and practise self love. it’s so bloody hard though, isn’t it? x i can feel it now   even when i think about it, it makes me feel sick? yes i had this before in counselling they said it was ‘fight of flight mode’ .. i get it now too, he said about his work xmas party the other day staying overnight somewhere, usually i would be fine but i know one of his work colleagues sniffs coke so it made me feel anxious. i get worried he will do it and we will be back to square one, i think he feels like im being controlling but im not, its just my own anxieties. i need to relax a bit   but it seems like when i relax and feel good it comes crashing down on me so im scared to let the barriers down. i hope youre well though? im glad it wasn’t a relapse.. i really hope things start going well for you   you deserve it!! its so hard… i am getting better though   my mind was obsessive with it, it was making me ill, i wont allow that again though, this is the last chance though. vanilla   my advice would be to take time out and step out of the situation because honestly unless he wants to stop he wont and you’ll be left picking up the pieces. me neither, if he does it again i’ll move on myself. i do feel sorry for him, but ultimately you only get one life and i do feel like i’ve spent such a big portion of it like you “obsessing and being miserable” over someone else’s drug habit! fingers crossed for us both now, it’s such a wasted life! i do hope they manage to stay clean! i literally despise the stuff! xx hi everyone , well 5 weeks now iv been on my own after 11 yrs 2 yrs married last week, my husband had odd recreational use and 12 months ago saw a change and is now doing cocaine and heroine.. i’m beside myself struggling day by day hoping he will realise and change but i know he won’t .. i too let him home to build himself up only to go off again i miss him dreadful but this time i know he cannot come home until he is clean and counselled .( waiting in anticipation) my heart goes out to you all wendy i feel it with you. married for fourteen wonderful years to my best friend and soul mate. recreational use, probably once, twice a year if that. i didn’t actually realise until my ‘husband’ changed into a monster. i’m still struggling now after over a year. its not easy and i too miss my husband but he isn’t my husband anymore the cocaine has taken him. look after yourself, keep strong. hello i’m literally at the last hope i caught my husband doing coke behind my back a few years ago and he promised me he stopped as he cheated on me whilst doing it, it was like he had a separate life it broke me into pieces, lately he has started acting like he did before and he never has any money now and we are really struggling financially, i haven’t been able to catch him doing it again but am pretty sure he is and i just don’t know what to do we have too children which are not young so i don’t want cause a argument without good cause. hi there, well i don’t know your husband so couldn’t comment but if you feel something is up, it usually is. my husband would swear he wasn’t using til he was blue in the face even when i’d confront him with evidence, he made me feel like i was imagining it! what do you mean by cheating? how did all that come about? all i know is that cocaine makes users incredibly selfish. maybe sit down and confront him with your evidence calmly, although i know how annoying this is when they deny any wrong doing. i think you have to ask yourself if he’s using again are you prepared to stay again. if he only cheated because he was on coke, can you trust that he won’t cheat again? if you aren’t prepared to stay again you have a lot to think about. it’s incredibly hard and a horrible merry go round. maybe suggest drug testing strips randomly. although this is all time consuming and at the worse they will still try to lie there way out of taking them, or in my husbands case he’d do them knowing he’d get caught. i guess that’s how much false confidence it gives them. it’s an awful situation. get some help for yourself before you attempt to tackle his issues xx hi lost1835, when you know, you know. i’ve been there many times. my husband was even using diazepam to hide his cocaine use (badly i might add), as i still knew. you can get test strips from amazon for about a fiver, dip it in the loo after he’s been, actually i even dipped one in the standing water in the shower after he’d been in it, its very sensitive. thats if you’re too scared to ask him to do a test. at least with the information you can confront it without questioning your own judgement. hugs xx you say you haven’t caught him yet, but you don’t need to physically catch him, the signs are so clear, here’s what to look out for. talking none stop about anything and everything with over enthusiasm and over the top. talking to anyone and everyone. over confidence not eating on a night out frequent trips to the bathroom being able to drink lots of alcohol and still seem relatively sober. sex lasting forever!! ( its harder to come whilst on gear) walking up aggressive and nasty first thing, then eating everything in site. sudden lack of funds secret phone calls or text followed by a trip outside to the ‘bin’ these are all clear signs ofcocaine use xx hope this helpsxx i think that is the horrible part is they make you think it’s all in your own head which leaves me doubting myself even more. he had a affair with a woman he used to know on facebook thats when i found out about the coke use , he deleted facebook and promised he stopped as he said he couldn’t bear to lose me or the kids, on a whole our relationship is good so was extremely hurt and surprised by this affair. i told him it was me or the coke and he said he chose me but after reading the comments i don’t think it would be that easy to just stop, i’m not really sure where to go for help i really want to protect the children from any heartbreak. so how did you find out about the coke? did he say the reason for the affair was due to him using cocaine? was it a full blown affair? i’m just wondering as maybe the other woman took coke with him. if you’d have known about the coke then he had an affair etc, it may have been because a lot of addicts start associating with people they usually wouldn’t. my husband on his last relapse started befriending young chavvy football hooligans. plus do you know if he’s an addict or just a social user? i mean how bad did his use get? by the time i found out about my husbands he was using roughly once a month ( this could have been lies) probably was. to cut a long story short this didn’t change his personality that much looking back, but he always used alone, in our house when me and my kids were in bed and quite large quantities. it got to the point where his personality was unrecognisable, he was taking it at every opportunity he could. taking it for stress, to celebrate any excuse to use. when it gets really bad you definitely know! it’s like living with a vile, horrible monster that has you questioning everything. i found out about the coke followed by the affair shortly after from what i got told she is a user also, i’m not sure how fare it went as she wouldn’t speak to me and he played it down, he couldn’t tell me why he did the coke or played away. i would saying he was using at least three days of the week, and like your husband it’s when we are in bed and he will sit up most of the night (clamming to be watching a film). he has always been a moody old sod but i do notice the changes in him. last time i caught him using the coke i found it in his wallet but haven’t come across anything as of yet. well basically it will drive you mad trying to think of the whys etc. if he’s never been the sort to have an affair or take coke and it’s all out of the blue maybe it’s depression. maybe a midlife crisis? but then again speculating will just drive you mad! basically if you love him and want to get to the bottom of it maybe suggest marriage counselling. it’s helped massively for me. i’ve just found these posts, sorry to hear do many similar stories. just found out x2 time hubby has been using. spent over £20k in 6 mths, lies, paranoia….but you just know, that gut feeling it’s not right. he’s got first drug meeting on wednesday, but i have told a good friend of ours all about it..do its more real, so he has to own what he’s dinette me and kids. married 15 years, he’s not the man i married though. hi i’ve been with my husband 29 years we got married at the age of 17 he was 18 we had are first baby straight away unfortunately he was born sleeping my husband looked after me better than anybody could we went on to have 4 daughters after and we both adore are girls and go to are sons grave lots 7 years ago my husband started using cocaine i didn’t find this out until 6 months ago i had a feeling but didn’t believe it was drugs that was making him annoying he would act childish spiteful didn’t do anything with any of the family days he wouldn’t eat nights he didn’t sleep he done everything he could to stay out of are way if i was indoors he would be out if i said let’s go for a meal he would make up excuses to why he can’t go i really thought he had depression it took about 2 years for me to get him to see his gp he did come home with antidepressants but after months there was no change my daughter got married at her wedding he was like something out of a horror film his mother told me she had to leave the wedding because she couldn’t watch her son any longer he was saying inappropriate things to other women she told me i was angry with him from that morning every thing was going wrong my daughter was in tears and my husband went of down the town to buy himself a meal the next day after the wedding on my phone was photos and videos of the wedding i was going through them i came across a video where he was saying to a woman he would love to ravish her and rub his body all over her i was and still am disgusted with that visio he said he was just enjoying him self and didn’t mean anything by it i then found out i could do a hair drug test he did refuse at first but then said he would do it he later told me when i got the results he didn’t believe it was a real test it was real ever since he has been on and of drugs he will do 2 days on 2 days off it’s that bad the longest has been 13 day then he done it for 4 days i just don’t no what to do any more any advice would be appreciated thanks sorry if i don’t make sense i can’t believe how many families are going through the same thing i feel for you all and hope everyone’s life gets better asap it’s the lies that’s killing me i actually feel like i’m living with a stranger that thinks i just like to moan my husband has told me more than once i just like the attention of him being on cocaine i definitely don’t get attention from him or anyone because no1 other than me knows he is addicted to drugs i do the strip tests on him regularly and he fails all the time and if he gets a clean test he says see you can trust me he has had about 6 clean tests and more than 60 not clean i try talking to him he won’t talk he says i can’t be bothered with the arguments i’ve asked why he started taking drugs he said he don’t no must be temptation he never gives me a straight answer to anything i ask i’ve been told cocaine and cheating comes hand in hand i’ve asked him has he cheated he said no so i asked him to do a lie detector he refused so i said i can’t stay with you until i no the truth he said he will do one now i’m scared of what i might find out from it he’s hurt me so much it’s making me ill he was once a brilliant husband and father and now to make everything worse we have 3 beautiful grandchildren but they have never seen the real him heart breaking to think this is how it’s all turned out god bless all you beautiful people no amount of talking, arguing, testing or lie detecting will stop him from using cocaine. only he can stop and he won’t because he doesn’t think he has a problem. you do. what’s worse is they believe their own lies and will manipulate any situation. we would all love our husbands to return to the men they were and not this substitute we are left with. you cannot help until he wants it. try to look after yourself and your family through all this. i know its hard but your health has to be looked after too. keep strong. my life is at a stand still i don’t go out with friends or family i’m at home if i’m not at work i cannot do anything with out the worry of what he is doing if he goes for a shower i’m at the door listening what’s going on i hate the person i’ve turned into i no i have to change but i’m so lost right now thanks for reply and advice x we understand, we have been there. i have isolated myself too. i’m lost without my other half. i was the same listening into conversations on the phone, something i had never done before. constantly worrying. problem is they are not concerned about us worrying. cocaine comes first i’m afraid. my life was at a stand still, i’m now on anti depressants and have cbt and hopefully this will help me get myself right. it feels so wrong doing all the things i’m doing i just feel if i do nothing i’m falling my family and my husband it’s the worry of what’s next i think that is hurting so much the last thing i want to do is find him dead i no he don’t care what way i feel i no that’s because of the drug i just can’t help but take it to heart i to am on antidepressants and have been for a long time now i just feel lost and lonely i’m not happy and i’m scared to feel any happiness just to be floored again and again it’s hard thank you very much x i thought i was failing my husband and family if i didn’t try to help or pay his debt and maintain his business. but they have failed us by choosing to sniff. or also rub his gums as my husband did also. it hurts more than anything i have ever known. our wonderful life was destroyed. we were a team. now i have to do everything myself and it is hard not having his help. i too wondered if my husband would overdose and die. i worried about it, too much alcohol and cocaine. but he wasn’t worried and didn’t care about me worrying either. he was having the time of his life. ‘champagne charlie’ that’s what he’s called by folk. partying and being the big man. i feel lost and lonely too, thats why i come on here. people in the same position can help and understand what we are going through. going out and trying to socialise is something i can’t bring myself to do. doc has upped my dosage of anti depressants and i now don’t feel anxious and sick all the time. my mind is more settled because i feel numb inside now. that is a good thing for me because fourteen months of this hell has taken its toll on me. don’t take anything to heart, i know its hard. i just think that my husband is dead and the one that has replaced him is a monster. one who has a fork tongue and lies like a rug. concentrate on yourself for a while because if he decides that cocaine is not what he wants you need to be the strong one. focus on you, look how b8988 has turned it around. it doesn’t work for everyone but its worth a try. you are doing this for both of you. not just yourself. keep strong. i feel so horrible putting my life on here and all you lovely people reply trying to help when you have been through so much your selfs i have to keep my head up and try to make a decision that’s right for me i no i won’t make it anytime soon as but i no it’s not gonna be another 7 years of unhappiness for me i can’t live this way much longer i thank yous all so much for listening and not judging me thank you all so much x you don’t have to leave your husband to concentrate on yourself. i would never have left mine. keep yourself well and when he needs help you will be strong enough to provide it. keep your head up. thank you very much i will try do do anything i can to sort my marriage out and do what i can to help my husband xx hox im sorry to hear how youre feeling still, i took anti depressants once and they made me feel even worse, i was like a zombie, unable to function   it makes me sad how we are all suffering, i mean i feel bad for the addicts as i know they cant help it but for the person on the other side, who loses their hsbands/wives to cocaine, its absolutely devastating, as it is like they are there physically but their personality is gone, which is hard to accept. my partner has not touched it now since march i think, he was selling it to pay off some debt after his ex wife took everything and he was left paying court fees fighting to see his kids… (hes a good dad) she is a bipolar nightmare. sometimes i wonder why i bother to be honest, i dont even have kids of my own, yet i deal with the backlash of his ex wife and the trauma shes caused him so he started self medicating. but, i will be positive (not naive though) …. hes on the right road and he quit all that bullsh*t, when he drinks though i still get a sense of panic, as i know it completely brings your guard down. i hate the stuff, with a deep passion, i have eliminated anyone involved with that, i do not have any time for it, not even people doing it socially, its a complete life ruiner and i worry for the younger 18 25 year olds that are testing it all out. i wish they knew what it did, because when it grabs hold it ruins everything in its path. danman, how are you??? are you still on the right road xxx hi georgia. i’m glad your partner is on the right road and continues to get himself right. staying positive without being naive is the right way to go about it. you are a good ‘un supporting him through all of this and the added stresses it brings with it. there is always seems to be reason for abusing the coke. stress in their lives so self medicating. ‘husband’ did it to forget his up coming (at the time) court case so i can understand. luckily i don’t have to mix in those ‘recreational’ circles now with ‘husband’ inside and out of harms way. but i am left to pick up the pieces of this shattered life all because of his bad choices. hey i’m going through the same thing , with my partner 30 years we have 2 grown up daughters an 5 grandkids, i new he used coke occasionally but he works away in manchester an 2 weeks before xmas i found out he’s been having an affair with an escort girl ( he’s still with her spent xmas with her and not even so much as a text or phone call on xmas day ! he’s up to his eyes on drugs and drink with this girl , i found out he met her when he was working in nottingham an when that job finished she moved up to manchester with him into digs with 5 other work fellas ! he never answered my texts calls nothing just said he’s on crack cocaine now , i’m literally at my wits end can not believe he’s done this on r family ! xx hi team. firstly hox is right. you need to decide firstly if you can carry on living like this. i couldn’t and by reading your post, i can see that you certainly don’t seem to be happy. are you prepared to carry on with the way things are now? i told everyone, i did it out of spite, i outed my husband and told everyone or anyone who would listen about all of his behaviours. this was probably not the way to go, i didn’t do it for the right reason, i did it because everything was crazy and i couldn’t control the situation, i wanted him to stop! to wake up and see sense and go back to being the loving, family man he was before. now i know that was my issue, not his! i had become so codependent i didn’t even realise what i had become. in my head my husband was to blame for everything. i like you bought the tests, we’d argue, he’d lie etc etc. this is not normal behaviour. i used to obsess weather my husband had cheated whilst high, it used to control my every thought. my husband was selfish and sort attention off women, but he never said anything sexual to anyone, it was almost like he was seeking comfort elsewhere, in a way that kind of made it worse. now i know that’s just because the drugs made him see me as a nag, he wasn’t ready to tackle his addiction and he’d rather have left me whist he was in deep addiction, than to fight to do what was right. in his head, he didn’t think any of what he did was wrong! the drug completely changes people, whilst your husband is an addict i wouldn’t trust him not to lie, cheat, steal etc. because when it comes down to it, their addiction comes first. they have almost been hijacked, so stop taking it so personally, i know it’s awfully hard not to. i can only advise from my perspective now, i choose to not be in a relationship with an addict. if my husband relapsed, i would make him leave. no one is worth making you ill for. maybe that would be the kick he needs to change, but don’t do it for that reason. do it for yourself. i bet you’ve neglected yourself whilst you’ve become so entangled with your husband that you’ve lost your identity, i know i did! people told me to concentrate on me, i didn’t even know what they meant. without my husband and his problems i felt completely lost. but i sought help, i hated the way i felt and how bad my life had become. i decided not to live like it anymore. go to al anon and stick with it, it seems odd at first and complete nonsense but it does work. have faith that everything will be ok in the end, no matter what happens. but remember, if you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got. hugs xx i don’t want to leave my husband but i don’t want to live this way anymore i don’t think i can do it much longer i have told him i’ll leave all he ever says is he will stop but he don’t my dad was in hospital for weeks he has a life saving opp at christmas we nearly lost my dad he did not in anyway support me my family all had there partners with them waiting for news while i sat on my own he did not even call to see if my dad made it or not the opp took over 12 hours thank god my dad made it but i just wanted someone well my husband to be there for me but he wasn’t i feel like i’m beginning to hate the person he is i no you are totally right it’s time to get a grip of my life my problem is where do i start what do i do next have never been on my own my perants looked after me all my life till age of 17 when i got married 29 years on and i’m now stuck and hate my life well i don’t have a life anymore thank you for reply just sending the messages i done is making things look so different as i’ve never had anyone to talk to x any time. i’m the same i was a proper mummy and daddy’s girl, then met my husband at 17 and moved in with him at 18. i’d never been alone either. but do you know what, it’s the unknown that’s scary, it’s amazing how you get used to being on your own eventually. i hated putting the bins out in the beginning etc, because they’d always been jobs my husband did, but i surprised myself, i even googled how to fix my car and went to buy the bits to do it. so i’m a way it shows you how strong you can be if you’re forced to be. i like you hated my husband. now my life is becoming nice again. although it is a long road to recovery for both. i always believe if it’s meant to be it will be. if you follow through and leave him, or make him leave you leave the ball in his court. you will see what he really wants. it might get worse before it gets better. you never know, i was reluctant to let my husband come back, because i’d finally restored calm. but i gave him the benefit of the doubt and so far, so good. i stopped hiding my bank card or car keys and stopped following him because that’s not keeping the focus on me and if he is going to do drugs, he will do them regardless of me suffocating him. this way i am giving him the chance to make his own decisions, however if he makes a wrong one he knows know he will live by the consequences. xx it really is the unknown that’s scary i think your amazing for helping yourself putting the bins out was the only job my husband had to do at home and now i find i’m doing it because he can’t be bothered to move out of his chair i will have to try to be more stronger than i am if one of us leave i just have that feeling he will not stop till he dies and i think that very thought is making me weak and won’t let me do the right thing hope you don’t mind me asking but how long was yous apart before your husband got clean my husband is not violent in any way i think if he was that would change me very fast but he is spiteful in the things he says he swore that i die with cancer he would never do drugs again 13 days later he was full swing back on it he has swore on are sons grave he lied the things he swears on hurt terrible the cancer one hurt because i have my dad and my only brother fighting cancer and my sons grave was just heartbreaking to hear the more i say don’t swear the more he dose i wish i could have noticed the signs years ago but but i didn’t i don’t no if that’s because i have never known anyone on drugs or i just never thought my husband would ever do anything like that he has never been a drinker if he has a beer he never finishes it he just don’t like alcohol thank god thank you very much xx my husband would swear on our kids lives that he hadn’t taken coke and he had. he’d never do that straight. the coke makes them horrible! maybe they rationalise the lying to them self, somehow, or it might be the fact, that they only care about themselves, so they will come first! again it’s all down to how the drugs have altered the brain! like you, i used to still take it personally! we react on things we see with our eyes, not what we know to be true, if that makes sense? well the first time i officially caught my husband using, last year, i’d just found out i was pregnant for the 5th time, all my children are young, so i definitely didn’t want that crap in my house! his behaviour had become unbearable. so i made him leave, that’s when he went on self destruct, that’s when he started adding women on fb, he told everyone he hated me, didn’t want to be with me and was doing everything he could to maintain his addiction. he even said now that at the time he thought it would be great to be single and get a flat, so he could take all the drugs he wanted, without having to hide. anyway his plan backfired as he lost his job due to being drug tested. he had to go and live with his dad 2 hours away in rural wales. well my first mistake was taking the kids to visit him nearly every weekend, at first he promised to change saying you couldn’t get coke out there and he was lovely for the first few weeks, then his mood become awful again. he didn’t want us to visit, when we did he was being secretive on his phone, but still he denied taking anything! final straw come was when he stole his dads expensive sports car and crashed it whilst intoxicated. so his dad made him leave. he then came home and was clean for 6 months, in time for me to have the baby, but relapsed hard at christmas. he became awful instantly, it’s amazing how quickly their mindset changes. he spent all our mortgage money on coke, he was sleeping rough in our garage, it was horrendous! so i sent him away to live with his mum 3 hours away. he didn’t know anyone there, so it was the perfect opportunity to change, plus there was loads of drug support centres. it become apparent, he only went for me and was still using drugs, he even starting taking ecstasy ??? after that i thought “ no matter what i do, he uses, no matter where he lives, he uses”. he was taking anything just to feel not normal. that’s when i made the decision not to be with him anymore. i ended it. this time i didn’t message him, or reply to his messages about the kids. he even tried to send hurtful ones in hope that i’d bite, but i could see he was seeking attention. i wasn’t prepared to give it him. so he made the decision for himself to change. he said i scared him that much he couldn’t eat, sleep and he cried for days. he said not being with us was worse than the high of the drug. so far, so good. the change in him this time compared to his last 6 month clean, is massive. this time he isn’t using anything! i think that’s key, last time he was still taking codeine, he had an addiction to prescription drugs too, so i thought stopping coke would stop the craziness and it did, but whilst he was still taking codeine, his personality didn’t return to normal, he still had no empathy etc. now he’s back to pre drug days. which is lovely. even if i didn’t stay with him, i’d have always wanted him to get clean for our kids, but i realised that had to come from him and no one else. so until they reach that decision there really isn’t anything you can do. xx i appreciate your reply to me you make so much sense i can feel the hurt you have been through and to get through it with little babies you are a very strong woman and deserve all the happiness in the world no one knows my husband is taking drugs he says he would be ashamed to face people if they knew and begged me not to tell anyone i have not told anyone as of yet but i did say to him a few nights ago if he don’t stop i can’t keep his secret any longer hopefully he heard me and stops i hope your husband sees what a wonderful wife he has and stays clean and treats you like a queen for the rest of your life you deserve it everyone has a story and none of the is much different i have read so much and think this story is my life cocaine is the devil it don’t only take the person using it takes every one that loves them to x the 1 thing i will say is, i got accused of cheating all the time, i’ve been an addict for nearly 5 years, i take 6 days out of 7…. 140 pounds a day…. but coke and cheating doesn’t come hand in hand, i’ve never ever ever cheated and it’s never crossed my mind either. i am also trying to focus on myself iv made plans to do things with the children although my husband does not want to come. iv also taken up a lot of things in the house he used to do ie decorating and the garden he has lost all love for our home. at the moment i can’t end our marriage he is not strong enough to kick this on his own ( he still denying he is back on it) and i fear it would kill him as he would completely give up so i guess we will go on as we are for now, it’s hard hiding things from my family and his as i know they will all disown him. hi i no how hard it is keeping everything from family my family and my husbands family would disown him to and if i leave or put him out he will have nothing or no1 he will be found dead my kids are grown up now are baby is 18 but no matter what age they are as a mother we still worry about them so next week my kids will be of on holiday together i think this is a good idea for them to have some fun and forget family life at the moment as it’s hard for them to watch they no what there father is doing and it’s not right they should watch him change every day and hopefully them going on holiday will give me and my husband a chance to talk or even try to get close i’m not sure what will happen when the kids are away but hopefully some good will come out of it for them i wish you luck and hopefully you get your life back soon it’s the hardest thing i’ve ever had to deal with and i feel all alone if all hits the fan at least i can say i done all i could xx hello, i can relate to your husband i’ve been through similar and it gradually gets hold of you to start with you tell yourselves it’s a social thing then once it takes hold it’s hard to break the routine gradually your work starts to suffer and then your family life i found i wasn’t content with the simple things in life any more my family life which had always made me happy cocaine changed my attitude one of the effects is a hypo sex drive i was the same with other women only when i’d had coke no interest when i hadn’t hardest thing is to admit your an addict you tell your self every thing you can rather than admit that and without completely changing your life friends places you socialise you always have lapses i still do and think i always will unfortunately but lapses don’t ruin your life it’s the addiction on a daily basis that does once your addicted as well people don’t realise your not doing it to get high anymore your doing it because your body needs it’s and it’s a scary feeling hope things get better for you and your husband only advise i can give is the more you preach at him and confront him it pushed me away and made me resentful to my wife there will be lapses and i feel bad enough when they happen but you need a strong partner at that time hi adam thanks for your insight. the only thing i don’t think i would be able to do is not confront him if i believed he was using again! as i know it’s wrong! i totally get where you’re coming from, my husband has admitted the same, he said when you’re in that cycle, you see us (the wives) as nags, that’s why you turn your phone off etc, because he said he knows it will be some kind of lecture or wanting him to do the right thing. i don’t really want him to have any lapses this time if i’m honest, but i do have to be real! al anon teaches us not to spend quiet, peaceful days worrying about relapses as they steal today’s joy! but just to have faith that “if or when” they happen, we can deal with them, as we have before, or hopefully in a more calm way. the thing that worries me is that when my husband has relapsed in the past he’s hit it again hard, it’s like all the months of sobriety have been forgotten and he’s gone immediately back into an addicts mindset. he goes back to using daily, even if he can’t afford to. it’s then he becomes reckless. it’s so scary to see. it’s not him at all! he’s never been at the stage where he’s taken it to feel normal, he said his brains always kidded him into thinking that the first 2 lines will be amazing! so he still chases that. he said the more you use and the longer you use for, you don’t really get that much pleasure. although his brain still fools him into thinking it will be different next time. the last time was different, he was just in complete self destruct mode, it’s like his brain thought he’d lost everything anyway, so he may as well continue. i mean to start sleeping rough in our garage, in minus degree weather, rather than living inside and not using drugs, for me signified that the drug had become more important to him than anything else. what made you make the change? ???? hi all, since my last message sending much love out to you all. hubby agreed to seeing an outreach centre, first one today. please wish us luck. i also decided for him to succeed he had to know it was real, not just going through motions…told his best friend, also close to me. knew he would be ashamed at first but thankfully didn’t backfire and still on track to clean up. still wants to be friends with his dealer… who i think is conning.him but that’s whole other forum. for now i have to believe he wants this more. much love to all of you x thats great news chellou   good luck. my only bit of advice would be to expect the worse, dont live in a dream world where youre thinking thats it, clean road ahead   as there will be relapses. i also think the friend as a dealer is bad news but only you can make judgement on that. goodluck to you and your husband i really do wish you all the best xxxx thanks so much. i do always look for the signs, although he is master in deciet. this time i know he wants to change, i know it’ll be tough, from all your messages i know i’m knew to this. still can’t see how my life has completed altered, seems so unfair that our future is now so dependant on his strength. i fully agree on dealer..but he’s conned him to believing he’s a mate, that’s our other issue, £1000s gone, literally..he’s in a money scheme just doesn’t accept he’s being conned…it’s just baby steps for now, bug fallout expected when he does work it out. scares me so much, he was do low and vulnerable and this crept into our lives. hi chellou i just want to tell you, when my husband came to live back with me last year, i lay some ground rules down. no contact with anyone to do with drugs. i snooped on his phone and it was his dealer, who, like your hubby happened to be a friend of his, he’d hidden him under a different name, but putting 2 and 2 together i worked out who it was as in conversation he’d called this lad by his nickname. when confronted he said that he still owed him money so didn’t want him to get funny so was just keeping friendly until he could pay him off. i was mad but tried to understand. at that time my husband wasn’t using coke, but i had a feeling he was still abusing codeine. i’d keep finding evidence of wrappers, although he’d deny. his empathy never returned and although i thought he was back to pre drug days, he still told lies over silly, little things. well he massively relapsed shortly after. this time he’s been clean, he really is clean. now i can see the difference in the two. he’s lovely, empathetic, and remorseful over everything he’s every done. he’s now willing to talk about anything to do with his drug past, where as before he’d close up! this time his phone is left lying round, i can pick it up and check it whenever i want, his ringtone is no longer on silent. basically you just know! i have no niggling feeling about anything as he’s now completely honest, he doesn’t even tell little lies, or if he does, he tries to rectify them straight away. all i’m saying is, it’s a journey, he might get clean and there be no issues, but i feel that when they want to get clean for themselves, they make choices to stay away from people they know that will cause temptation etc. they take it upon themselves to do right. good luck with everything though, positive vibes being sent! xx hi ladies, sorry i’ve been out of the loop on this thread as i was away this weekend. only at a family festival in hampshire, but still its the first time we’ve been away together with our daughter in years. i hope everyone is ok. b8988 i’ve been looking up about co dependency and i definitely am! my happiness hinges on him every moment of every day, and i know that isn’t any way to live. i constantly worry about what he’s doing, how he’s feeling, what he’s thinking…. i literally never consider myself and my own feelings. i think a lot of my issues stem from his cocaine use, as learned experience has taught me how to be around him, and now that he isnt using i still am the same way. i don’t speak my mind, i always think ‘how will he react’ before i open my mouth. i dont quite know how to break that cycle though. xx yes it’s like treading on eggshells. we all become codependent, it’s a gradual thing, that just totally consumes us so we no longer act sanely. we become unwell ourselves. friends and families will see things rationally but we won’t listen to any advice, especially if that means leaving the addict. i suppose we are a bit like them. we are addicted to their drug use, as they are addicted to their drug. we are both acting insane. it’s not healthy for anyone. they say the addict will only change when they want to. this is also true of us! we will only leave or start to put ourselves first, when we realise we’ve exhausted all our options, our lives have become unmanageable and we are awfully unhappy. sometimes i still slip into over analysing some of my husbands behaviour whilst in active addiction, but then i realise you can’t rationalise any of their behaviour, as it’s all insane! i just continue to build myself up more and more each day so that if it ever goes wrong i will be much better prepared to deal with it. i know for sure i will never allow myself to become so ill focusing on someone else life choices that i make myself ill! thanks so much, good advice. his meeting went well. he’s opted for individual counselling, it’ll stem back to leaving home at 8 to boarding school, then losing mum very young to dementia, all so linked. i’m continuing to keep up own interests, jobs and kids, a great distraction. he’s trying to be more honest so less eggshells but i need to research codependancy… i’ve surely been doing it too. thanks to everyone on here for advice, support, kindness and hope. gotta believe he can do this but ever watchful for signs x hi, i’m suffering from the same problem, my husband is a crack addict. we’ve been together 14 years and 3 kids , and he was always a crack addict, but i didn’t know or understand, he was so smart and successful, he was always traveling and covering this addiction, now he doesn’t have a job ( he still have money to buy and he still managing his money and work online everyday ) but he s home working .. and he has changed , he cheated a lot with prostitutes, it broke my heart, my life .. i own nothing, all assets in his name, my law doesn’t even give me the kids, he was always avoiding me having any cash or job , and i was doing my best for my kids and family, we were always abroad so i didn’t have family to help, only maids that i couldn’t trust .. but this is not an excuse , i trusted him and i thought he care for me .. now i discovered all this shit ( excuse my language) i’m in pain all the time, i don’t focus on my kids much, i don’t know how to deal with this, he act careless like he doesn’t care for me, i don’t even feel he’s jealous , i asked many times for divorce , he say i will kill u and i will never divorce u ( again my law will not support me ) coz he is paying bills .. he doesn’t want me out of his life , all his friends they beg me to be patiente bcoz he love me so much and he cannot live without me, and that he might commit suicide if i left !! i was scared first! now i feel i don’t care but i don’t have law to support me, i don’t know how to start a job or a small business, i never had a job in my life, i married straight after university graduation, he’s 8 years older than me. i managed to recover form panic attack’s and anxiety without any medications, i have happy beautiful kids that i don’t want them to get affected .. but i’m scared coz he’s getting worse .. he has changed a lot .. he doesn’t care for me , he cares that his kids don’t know about his addiction but i don’t know with time he might be careless to his kids too! i’m always scared and not feeling safe from our future .. anyway, thank you for this discussion, it feels good just to open up and share what inside us with people who understand or live the same problems .. hi aabb you need to contact someone about this, the police, doctors   you need to leave him. him threatening to kill you, is horrendous   call the police and ask for help, they will put you in a refuge, if you’re married you can get help with legals as well. he wont change, he wont kill himself, he is manipulating you. contact the police on 111 and ask for help… x i dont mean to be rude hear, but are you muslim? only because you keep saying ‘your law’ and im just thinking of sharia law. hes gaslighting.. ignore the law he is going on about. that does not matter. do what georgia says.. and ring the police and they will house you somewere else straight away! c hi, my husband has been addicted to cocaine for the last few years and since his habit became worse he has ended up been an alcoholic aswell, i ended up putting him out the house in february as i couldn’t take it any more the constant lies were driving me insane we also have 4 children and it was not right for them to see their dad lying on the couch surrounded by wine bottles when they were getting up ready to go to school we were arguing daily and the atmosphere in the house was horrendous! 🙁 i asked him to leave in february as i couldn’t take it anymore it was turning me in to a nervous wreck, and i had to protect myself and children and stop putting him first, he was always full of empty promises and lying through his teeth about everything i always felt i had a duty as his wife to help him worried the last few years if i put him out his habit would get worse but overtime he was using daily cocaine and alcohol he also starting gambling, the money he has wasted is absolutely sickening, we run a small family business and money was too accessible to feed his habit that it steadily got worse! i hoped by asking him to leave it would of brought him to his senses the thought of losing his family but it hasn’t! everything is my fault, he plays the victim with friends and family all the time as he is living in a caravan and is blaming me for asking him to leave he is in denial and won’t grasp the reason he is not here he won’t speak about it! i sent him solicitor letter saying i would support him but only if he got help for his addictions he has just ignored letter and is burying his head is sand, obviously the thought of him never been able to use again is more frightening to him than the thought of losing his family!! iv had enough i’m at my wits end and at the end of the day i keep telling myself “you can’t help someone that doesn’t want to help themselves” i am sick of putting my life on hold in the hope he will sort himself out when all he is focusing on is himself coke and drink! im relating to all this… only came across this after googling summit to do without cocaine. i take it regularly and dont see myself as an addict.. after reading this i am seeing the traits but wont admit it either than that i have issues with it but not an addict as i dont do it everyday. i can understand everyone’s points mind. everyones complaining about men tho… i’m female… good job… partner…child.. it goes beyond the general typical men being arseholes. my partner doesn’t do it at all. never gets any issues from me but doesnt realise the times i might sneak it. hi. i’m sorry but it sounds like you are addicted to me. i was in denial for a year and believed i was in control. if i had listened to the signs then it might have been easier to stop, now i’ve tried several support groups, counselling, deleting numbers etc, and told my partner the truth but somehow still find ways of getting it when the urge takes over. its a serious problem so tackle it now. good luck you’re story is mirror image of my marriage. we met 2004 married 2007 and have two children now 11 and 10. he was the love of my life x the connection we had was more than anyone could understand x i worshipped him x in the first couple of years we would do coke every couple of weeks or so and go clubbing and go to ibiza 3 short breaks a year to go mad x then we got married and had kids and for me that wasn’t what i wanted to do anymore x he’d say i was boring now i was a mum and he was upset that the kids were my priority. about a year on, i’d noticed our disconnect and he was distant and going about his own business, he said it was cos he needed to earn more as the kids cost more. though it turns out he had been doing coke on a daily basis, he started putting his money in business account instead of joint, he cancelled direct debits and stopped paying bills. i didn’t click on this for a good 3 years, then i found empty bags in his van and his work areas, he tried to deny it but didn’t have a leg to stand on, i trusted him so never had reason to question him or cheque accounts, he’d been spending £200  £300 a week on it and cancelled all my direct debits to cover it. getting me in debt. even though i’d caught him out he swore he’d stopped but never did! i left him2 years ago, me and kids left the family home whilst he stayed, living there like a down and out. he hasn’t paid the mortgage in 15 months forcing the bank to apply for repossession!! yet it’s still all my fault for leaving him as he can’t cope in his own. i lost my soul mate, the love of my life to cocaine. he’s now an evil, selfish, vindictive, spiteful shell of a man. he’s a completely different person who has no feelings for anyone but himself. trying to get through to him and try support him results in him telling me what a bad person i am, bad mother, greedy for wanting maintenance and need to see a doctor as i’m crazy for saying he’s a cocaine addict x i love him so much but he’s gone. the coke has got him and we’ll never get him back xc the buisness account thing is 100% what happened to me im a stay at home mom so it really got bad he at first would transfer a little here a little there then less then nothing its been month i had to get on gov. assistance to feed my children im living with my family and divorcing the bastard who is trying to worm his way outta support. he has tried intimidating me and called me names for calling him on the drug use…lying cheating and belittling me gaslighting me etc. he threatened to get 50/50 knowing id still have to do everything cause he is a trucker never home but he wouldn’t have to give me a dime but his job makes it impossible for him to get custody so now he is extra pissed. he is a demon and honestly i hate him now and he was the love of my life. i got a lawyer and a protective order for me and the children because man he is scary he now buys £120 a day and our house is up for sale to beat the banks taking it from us x i’ve just spent 3 days and nights solid cleaning his shit up to get it on the market. i can’t dwell on it anymore, the mani loved has gone. and who is now breaks my heart. so my advice just leave x you’ll never get him back and the longer you stay the more he’ll damage you. you’ll never recover from relentless abuse. so get out before it’s too late xx hi there, thanks for responding. i’m now at the point where i’m living alone with the kids. im paying for everything whilst he’s living in a crummy room in a house share. my husband is more interested if i’m going to be going on dates with other people then the real issue of sorting himself out. you have to laugh don’t you. i think my husband wants to change but just doesn’t get it. he doesn’t understand the dedication to turning your life around. he thinks stopping by himself or attending a few meetings will be it. i think that attending meetings has to be for life in order to stay clean. apparently anyone can stop it’s staying stopped that’s the hard bit. my husband can stop for 6 7 months from willpower alone then thinks he’s cured then the addiction takes hold again and he hits it so hard like he’s never stopped. i don’t feel anxious like i once did, my life is peaceful without him. like you say i love my old husband but that person died when he became an addict! i’m fed up of jumping back on the rollercoaster, getting my hopes up then it all happing again. no one can live with an active addict, not without making yourself crazy you can’t! i’m now just concentrating on me, for once in my life and surprisingly i’m doing ok. my life will flourish compared to his. a life with drugs is no life at all! hugs to everyone who is dealing with an addicted loved one! it’s hell on earth xxx the guy is a dick, cocaine vs family says it all much like any drug unless it’s recreational and both partners approve, then so be it, if it’s a full on addiction and us effecting your family then i’m sorry to say you need to leave as they will choose that shit until it’s to late oh i should add i’m no saint and go for a beer at weekend and sometimes have coke, but never would i hurt or harm anyone around me, sad to say but your losing a battle with addict’s unless they choose to change for the sake of there family i agree, it’s so sad x i left our family home with our 2 children 2 years ago now and still he’s off his head constantly, but now it’s my fault for leaving him ?? embion obviously it’s not your fault he’s lost his family though what people call an illness, it’s bullshit, harsh but he’s chose a session over you and the kids i don’t agree, it is an illness, a horrible one. i’ve seen the devastation it causes to the addict. no one in their right mind would lose everything and still continue using. their jobs, families their homes etc. now the problem is not to make excuses for it being an illness! you can’t defend someone’s behaviour by saying he or she is ill, they still have choices to change and put effort into getting clean. my husband never used on nights out, he’d use secretly in the house on his own whilst we were asleep so definitely not as part of a session or party etc. my husband uses it to escape! until he finds out why he needs to do that he’ll never change. that’s for him to sort though and not me. im going through this again right now, it’s been happening for the last 2 year’s. i feel like i’m living with 2 different people. i find my husband relapses throughout the summer. any advice on how i can help him? so hard at the moment due to lockdown restrictions too. hi stlaisinha, sorry i didnt see your email until today. i hope you are ok, i feel empathy as i too have been in your situation. my husband has relapsed more times than i can remember. he seems to think at the start of a relapse that he has the power, but once an addict starts again they have no power anymore. and unfortunately partners are then thrown into turmoil once more. the fear of it, the fear of how they are a different person, the worry about what they’re doing, when they’ll come home, what they’ll be like when they do. its horrible. you will be powerless to stop it, all you can do is explain how it makes you feel (but dont try talking when he’s high, it’s pointless) tell him you are there for him, but protect yourself. when people live with addicts they are all consumed, they lose their own identity, you spend all your time worrying about them, and not about you. we are here if you need us. sending hugs x hi, i’ve been with my partner 10 years, due to get married next year. i was very naive to what was going on, my partner had a really bad habit about 2 years ago which is now slightly better as he doesn’t do as much but still weekly. i find it’s the alcohol that’s a trigger and i really want to find a way through this so that we can get married but i’m dreading getting married and him still being an addict! i’ve sent all invites out and he keeps promising his going to stop & doesn’t! i’ve even said i don’t mind if he does it socially every now and then! but he still lies! has anyone got any success stories or any hope for me please? x hi abb, sorry to read your story. i’m sure you you’re going through this. unfortunately addicts lie, it’s what they do, they lie because think they can hide it. i’ve been with my now husband for 15 years and it’s been a rollercoaster, i’m not the person i was. my advice to you would be issue the ultimatum and put the ball in his court. an addict can’t really pick it up and put it down, so it’s not really a good idea to suggest he can still do it socially, because if he’s addict it would be like telling an alcoholic to have a wine now and then. it’s impossible, abstinence is the only way in all honesty. my husband thinks he can pick it up and put it down again, but when he starts again, the devil on his shoulder starts up again and it starts slow and then ramps up. i love my husband and when he’s clean he is the nicest person, but on coke he lies, is absent, and is void of all responsibilities and thought of anything other than ‘it’. you’re not alone, and you love him xx i have went through a stage of doing coke every night and stopped drinking to give it up. when i started drinking it started again! sorry to be the bearer of bad news but i think it will take a very long time to stop the cravings. he has to go cold turkey and not do it socially as it will kick start it as it did for me. i do know someone who completely quit coke by quitting drinking and now a year later can drink without having it and had even said no when it’s been offered. it takes time x hi, i can relate to this so much as i had the addiction! it’s very strange with cocaine as genuinely i didn’t see it as an addiction or a problem until it slapped me in the face. i would lie and be horrible to cover it up. i was always snappy with people and changed as a person. it got so bad my mum considered committing suicide over it! my sister and two best friends intervened (even though they were all at the end of their thither with me) and held a sort of intervention. they didn’t tell me they were all going to be there as i wouldn’t have showed. i knew this was happening and i turned up with no sleep, no make up on and looking like shit barely able to speak! they spoke to me calmly about how i had changed and brought diagrams of how my life would be if i carried on and how it can be. they reminded me of how i used to be and why they loved me and never gave up on me. the biggest thing for me was them explaining how my actions affected and hurt them and my family  it broke me! i realised how selfish i was being and decided to make the change. my sister made me delete and block all dealers numbers as well as those who did it (including family!) i didn’t drink for a long tome as that is a trigger and honestly their love got me through. it was so hard but their love and support was all i needed! i saw things and my actions in a completely different way due to the drugs and they made me see the light. you should be there and support your husband before he goes too far  my friends and family were on the verge of disowning me and that shook me up. when you are in that bubble you can’t think straight and refuse to believe you’re wrong and lie to cover it up. hi everyone. just read some of your stories and they ring so true to my relationship. i’ve been with my partner 7 years, i knew he drank and us coke when we got together but it didn’t seem a huge deal at the time. it was a thing he did on a night out wth friends, and tbh i didn’t know much about the stuff, and didn’t think he was addicted… how wrong was i? when we moved in together i realised how bad it really was, then we would get him off it for a bit (i think 7 months has been the longest that he’s been clean), he’d then relapse especially if it was xmas time, or even summer evenings at the pub after work. this pattern of a few months clean, then relapse for several months happened all the time. unfortunately in that time he cheated on me numerous times, this is something he would never do if sober. drink and coke give him this macho, super confident, non caring, blasé, look at me, cold, nasty personality   he literally stops caring or thinking about anyone or anything. he’s even gone as far as getting escorts, i’ve horrifically had to walk in after a long day at work to find him with an escort. knowing that he’s just spent hundreds on someone he doesn’t know, for pointless sex (because he can’t get it up anyway) destroyed me. i’m an idiot, i stayed, this happened over and over, i loved him, i felt sorry for him. the next day he would be devastated with himself, he’s been at the point where he’s tried stabbing himself with a knife because he’s so ashamed, i had to wrestle it from him, then he started smashing his head against the wall… how could i leave him? he managed to keep a job, but missed days due to his addiction (as he’d be up until 6am doing coke), or there’s been occasions he doesn’t come home for days, he drove whilst completely out of it, over and over, i threatened him with the police but he didn’t care when in that state. i have called the police on him a few times, not only to try stop him driving while intoxicated, but because he’s been disgustingly violent to me whilst on this stuff, he’s thrown a hot iron at me, smashed my phone, punched me, held me up against a wall… each time i’ve called the police, i’m not taking that lying down. his family are not much use, the police would take him to his family saying he needs to stay away from me for 24 hours until sober, but within half hour they’re bringing him back asking what the problem is and ‘can’t we sort it out?’ at one point his mum said ‘well what are you doing to make him be this way? maybe if you have dinner on the table when he comes home…’ excuse me but i work full time, i’m often not home until 7pm, why is it my job to provide his dinner anyway? plus, most of the time he doesn’t even come home after work so how the hell is that gonna help? the amount of dinners i’ve made that have gone to waste because he hasn’t come home, i can’t even imagine. why, if he’s crying the next day, if he hates himself, does he keep going back? why does he think he doesn’t need help? he says he can stop on his own, but he never can. we’ve tried help, he went to a few sessions and felt embarrassed so stopped. we’ve even tried sessions as a couple but he didn’t like that the negative focus was on him, and sometimes he would turn up already on the stuff. he needs to put his ego aside. what he does whilst on that shit is way more embarrassing than going to sessions to help him. he’s mean, rude, nasty, argumentative, aggressive and uncontrollable even just on a come down, which lasts days/weeks. i just don’t know what to do anymore. i’ve tried going to groups myself but he thinks it’s embarrassing for him that i go. reason i’m writing this right now, is because we woke up this morning, i was in a great mood, but he’s on a come down and just verbally attacked me to the point i just broke down into tears. making me feel worthless and shit when all i’ve ever done is try to support him, and constantly put up with his abuse. hi loopylou thanks for sharing and so sorry to hear about your situation with your partner which sounds incredibly difficult. you can receive information and advice by phoning the national domestic abuse helpline on 0808 2000 247. this line is free and confidential and is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. there is also information and support available on the women’s aid website: https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information support/ thank you and take care. this is crazy to see how the husbands leave us women in disbelief. my husband who i’ve always done everything for has left me and never contacted me to say why or anything. i had to pay $20000.00 which i was told he owed the dealers. i don’t know what to believe. i heard that his drug use is getting the better of him. i know now that he is living with another lady who seems to help fund his lifestyle. as he left everything he owns at home . so from clothing upwards someone had to buy him as he had no job for some months. he has told people he hasn’t moved on and was planning to for a while. but his drug use was getting worse and i kept warning him. he chose drugs over his wife who has been bailing him out for 14 yrs. his cocaine use apparently began 10yrs ago but was hidden from me until the last three years. i asked him one time when he will stop. he said he sees a lil more cocaine in his life. i can’t understand that thinking at all. i cant understand how he can’t see how using cocaine and alcohol and viagra generic kamagra is going to damage his health. his use became so bad that his sperm count was ridiculously low (so i couldn’t get pregnant)and well he can’t have sex without using kamagra/viagra as the cocaine seemingly affects the ability to keep or even get it up. at 46 yrs he has thrown everything he had in store for him away. but it’s as though he thinks he did good and i’m the wrong one. i’m left with all the bills and house and two car mortgages. it makes me feel as though i failed in life. but this will make me stronger because it has always been me balancing the bills. his money was always funny. he would always cheat and walk away and return after months. begging for forgiveness. but i now have to live my life. he isn’t the person i met and loved. he is a lying cheating person. i’m glad he was never physically abusive to me. but he has been very abusive to girls he cheated with. i want to believe shame and disgrace has a lot to do with how he cannot even call or message and say something. give me closure. but when on that drug path u have to hit ground level to see the mess you made. i ask god to help me forgive him but i’ll never forget. let me spread my wings now and live my life without having to run after his every need. i do wish that he can get the help he needs and save himself before it’s too late. some days i’m ok and other days i feel as though i fell into a hole and cannot climb out and the world is laughing at me. but that’s my mind playing tricks. i did everything i can to try to help him and help make him a success. but he chose drugs over me and our marriage. they always seem to run to a woman who would allow them to use the drugs freely where they feel they wouldn’t be judged. thanks to u all i realize i am not alone. this forum may help my mind stabilize and know that i was not wrong. this is like a mirror image of my life , no contact no closure just left to b with an escort girl who uses as well an i heard all they do is fight an he’s abusive to her ! he’s through away 30 years for drugs x hi i am new to this forum. i read your story and felt like i had written your whole story myself! i can see this was last year. how have things turned out for you? i am interested as this has recently happened to me and my family. i hope everythings ok with you and your children now. im not sure what to do next! x i was married to a narcissist. we split up in january when i found out he had been cheating on me. he got angry with me because i found out. he owes me thousands of dollars and i am going to take him to small claims court for all the money he owes me to this day, he has convinced the girl he was having an affair with behind my back that i was his landlady and that our relationship was all in my head. i know his world will come tumbling down one day and i cant wait for others too see him for what he is,he cheats and denies at all cost,he turns around and accuse me of cheating on him,domestic abuse is very normal to him’.. i had to get a hacking proof from ‘hackingloop6@gm ail . c o m’ to help me hack his phone and social media platforms,i was able to gather enough proofs of all his extramarital activities,contact the cyber genius also, if you have similar issue , his services are affordable .he helped me with the evidence i needed through my divorce. wow, this is pretty identical to me. although my hubby, kids father has said never again and hates the thought of it. he has been in detox 1 week. what hurts me is the irritable personality and the attacks of “knew you wouldn’t help me”, “you make me worse”, when ive done everything to help and support him. i literally carry him, drive for him (lost his license albeit not from drink), try and keep our business going, ferry kids around, take son football training most nights, cook, clean. my family are worries sick about me. although hubby thinks and makes me feel i do nothing. he sits and expects me to do everything and when i make one slight comment as i’m “well can’t you get it”, i get a snarky vile look as if i’m a lazy cow. i’m ex guards and he says “how do you think i feel”, i’m in detox and can’t sleep a wink. just no thought for me at all, it’s hurt all about him and i’m being told he has to have a lot of family support who understands what he is going to go through. what about us? i/we didn’t take the cocaine, they did. but who suffers more is the question. they believe them. who do you think it is? please bare with me, i’m a novice and 1 week i to finding out my husband who was “occasionally” doing it has actually been an addict for 6 months, using for 5 years. drink & coke and an affair on/off for 3 years. all our arguments were blamed on us as a couple and i was blamed for not being there for him. i was a mom with 3 kids, 3 pets, elderly parents. i believed him. maybe i wasn’t there for him. but he was already on the vile stuff. i am 49, been married to my soulmate for 22 years. met him when we were 15z. what a man. i just hope and pray i get him back. i’ve gone on and on but how do me and the kids get through the irritable rants and blame and then a sorry is supposed to make us feel better. i won’t give up on him. i love him to bits. i just need help to get through it ‘with him’. wow, i totally get you! i do everything! i have 3 kids also and it is so hard trying to juggle everything and try to keep the kids away from his vile moods! been with him over 16 years and like your hub says he hates the stuff but can’t stay clean for longer than 5 days now. it used to be once a month then once every 2 weeks then once a week and now it’s a struggle to keep him away from alcohol for longer than 2 days and with alcohol obviously comes the coke. it’s an horrendous circle that we live through 🙁 i really hope your hubby stays clean and starts to treat you the way you deserve it’s sounds horrendous what you have been through and put up with. you are not alone x i’ve been married 8 years i have 2 kids. one day it was like my world fell apart he is a long haul trucker so it took me longer to see signs because he isnt home much irregular sleep etc. is not unusual for that life. i still have no proof but my gut knows. he has become everything he despises. i went from the love of his life to the reason for his misery “i ruined his happiness”. he was an extremely loyal man he has now cheated on me with his ex best friends fiance he has volatile outbursts he stays away but in one place for ridiculously long periods like i truly believe his truck breaks down always in the same town…simple fixes take weeks to fix and he completely stopped financially supporting us (im a stay at home.mom) he says oh ill transfer $ from the buisness account on monday then monday comes and ohh ummm my checks negative and apparently has been for months…he goes a week without calling the kids then lies and says he has been calling everyday. he hung up on my 7 year old and lied about it. he blames depression…coming from a guy that won’t admit to having seasonal allergies. im sure he needed an excuse to guilt me into not leaving him over his horrific treatment of myself our kids and whole family. i filed for divorce now and he only cares about child support begging me not to ask for child support… the man that would give his children elaborate gifts before doesnt even feed them now. ive had to get food stamps and move in with family. he had his car repossessed and has collection agencies calling everyday. his excuse for his bad choices (he has yet to admit to drugs) is i wont change so he can’t change…i take all his happiness away…being with me is hard… i trigger his anger by having emotions or saying things he doesn’t like. i started believing myself to be a soul sucking monster woman that i was so horrible i made him stop loving me and start pulling away from even his kids. until enough people opened my eyes to the reality of drugs and i did my research now that i have confronted him he has cut all contact with me and is hiding from our divorce… my life is spiraling i am new to this site but have felt in turmoil for years on and off. i have had a relationship with my partner for 15 years who has manipulated me into thinking i am the monster who creates his anger   i am apparently the one who constantly criticises him and makes him feel inadequate. he almost makes stuff up that i have said and makes me question the type of person i am. over the years he has be a very nasty individual with anger issues, looking at me with disgust, sleeping a lot, isolating himself. he spends some time in france working and when i try and contact him weekends he doesn’t answer his phone. we also work together so sometimes trying to get hold of him to ask him a work question he will go mad stating ‘why are you calling me continuously or ranting about something else. other times he can be sweet as pie and i have come to the conclusion that he is nice when he is drinking alcohol and taking cocaine. any other time he is incredibly difficult. he has said to me in the past taking substances is the only way he can express himself positively. he tends to forget that when he isn’t taking anything he becomes this nasty aggressive condescending individual. recent argument   he is going back to work in france and i told him not to rush back. i am sick of blaming myself for his addiction. i have tried to be nice and give support but he isn’t going to change. he has been doing it since and before i met him and will continue to do it. i have had enough of the banging crashing, emotional aggression or lack of emotion and condescending nature so time to think of myself for a change. i can relate to most points that people have stated here and only wish there was a quick fix   not likely!! hi i am really sorry to hear about your story. it is devastating to see how drugs can spill in our lives. i know you love him (or his version that you have in your mind that’s not there anymore). he is an adult and he chose drugs. he knew they were dangerous. i don’t think there is nothing more you can do than getting separated. it is very unstable for your children and definitely not good for them. i understand that being left with 5 children is not easy but there is no merit in keeping an abusive marriage. you don’t need to feel bad for telling him some home truths. he deserves to hear them. get a solicitor and get separated. this sucks. but a lot of his actions aren’t the coke in my opinion. cheating specifically. and his assumption about only crackheads and heroin users being addicts is unfortunately a common theme in groups of addicts. i’ve been guilty if it myself as if bring a coke sniffer in 8th grade wasn’t an extreme problem. drugs are rough and addicts are very unlucky. but some of us can and do change. i hope everyone that has shared their story is doing better! i am here because i am at the end of my rope with my boyfriend   only boyfriend   of a year and a half’s crack addiction. i supported him through it, until he ramped up the cheating. i gave the ultimatum   stop cheating or get out. i realize i cannot stop the drug use, but his obsessive sex drive for things he is not interested in sober, things that are not even within his normal sober sexual orientation which he is disgusted at sober   are still cheating and unacceptable. but he then cheated again. i am not sure i can move past this one. he is two weeks sober. again. i guess time will tell. i’m sorry everyone is dealing with this in marriages with children. i wish y’all the best! i have just read through all these stories and my heart is flying out through my chest. i found out 3 weekends ago that my husband has been doing cocaine in secret for the past 2 1/2 years. we have been together 17 years and married 13. we have 4 kids and 2 granddaughters. i thought we shared everything. we met through the underground music scene and have used cocaine recreationally, as well as other typical dance drugs. we never went mad on it though because of kids/work etc. though i know he hit it hard sometimes before we met when he was in a rougher crowd. we always promised never at home, never around the kids and always together. unknown to me in autumn 2018 he bought extra coke and put aside. he started a bit at a time at weekends late evenings. over time in 2019 he started treating me like crap. i nearly kicked him out xmas 2019 because he jumped out of bed and went crazy on me. pushing me and throwing stuff. throughout 2020 he has literally terrorised me or ignored me. i have threatened him with the police most weekends. the house got wrecked and i wanted to die. he was vile and heartless. i thought it was because he was hitting gin too hard. finally things seemed to settle down a bit and we made it through xmas 2020. promises were made and i started to forgive him for being so cruel. two weeks ago he got seen by his business partner’s friend buying drugs. that’s when it all came out. he was basically doing it every day for 2020. morning, noon and night. no wonder he was being so horrible. he tried to stop but he couldn’t. he’s almost died off it then done more. but still protected his secret and carried on being horrible. the day i found out i rang cauk. they are amazing and are helping him realise what on earth he has done. he will be clean 3 weeks tomorrow. i am a complete and utter mess. all my memories for the last 2.5 years have been turned upside down. i cannot even get my head round the lies and sneaking around. i thought we were in this together. my heart is broken and i can barely function. all the signs were there but i trusted him. my future is also unknown. i’m completely reliant on him for money as he runs a business that has given us a very comfortable life after years of being skint. i don’t want to lose my home, my garden or my kids dreams for the future. but his business partner is struggling. i’m struggling. my husband is struggling. he wants to get better and he looks already like a shadow was lifted. he looks me in the eye for the first time in years. he said he hated what he was doing but just couldn’t stop. i hope he can do this but i am so, so scared for the future and know that it is completely out of my hands. hi faithnotfear, furstly, well done for having the courage to post. many people find themselves in a situation like you, and your husband is typical of a recreational user who got hooked. cocaine is a sly drug and you never know when it will take hold. it gets to the point where you are constantly chasing the good feeling, and then it turns to just using it to feel normal, not good. then its too late. my husband is late 40’s, and he used coke recreationally for 10 years, then for 10 years it was a problem, in varying degrees. he’s quite strong willed and he struggled. he was clean for months here and there after a ‘moment’ where he thought, what am i doing?!’ he is now 13 months clean, did it himself (with support from me of course) he cannot drink alcohol anymore either as the two were linked. it is possible to stop, but he’ll need time, make sure he eats properly and spends time with positive influences, not coke users! coke users tend to be pretty selfish, and they dont care that your husband is trying to stay clean, they just want someone to do it with. thinking of you, and sending love x hi, thanks to everyone for sharing their stories. but i must admit they are terrifying me. i’ve recently realised that my boyfriend of 4 years is addicted to alcohol and cocaine. he realises this too, and 2 months ago got help from his gp, started aa and ca meetings. but tonight i find he’s been back using cocaine for the past 3 weeks and has already mounted up a pile of debt (i had just helped him repay £2500 cocaine debts). he isn’t violent or insulting when he is high, just distant, where i feel that i am living alone. he isn’t out partying but taking cocaine in secret, often at work. he said that he can’t control the urge to get cocaine and can’t confide in me as he’s scared i’ll leave him. i’m at an age where i want to get married and start a family. he says he wants this too but it seems to me cocaine is his only priority. i’m scared that he has went for help and it hasn’t worked. i’m worried that if i stay with him, the lies, deceit and financial problems will destroy any future we could have. i’m worried that down the line it’s inevitable that our life will turn out like the original posters story. i don’t know if i can or where to start to help him. i feel myself turning into a paranoid wreck. i really don’t know if it’s just time for me to run away from it all? has anyone’s relationship actually recovered from addiction? sadly it does not sound like he is ready to get better. has he told his ca people that he is using again? i don’t know what i would do if my husband started up again, i think it would have to be game over because he would definitely have to leave his business and therefore we would lose our house. and i certainly won’t be able to bail him out..i would have to prioritise my kids and myself. he has this chance and he is glad to be out of it. my husband says he got stuck in a rut and couldn’t see a way out. he was ashamed of what he was doing and kept telling himself that it would be the last time, but then found himself getting more. now it came out he is out of the rut and has completely changed his patterns and routines so that he isn’t on the same pathways that directed him to using. like he comes home and cooks us dinner, instead of sitting in work doing it and rather than hiding away in his room at home where he was mostly on it, he comes upstairs and talks to us instead. the whole thing is a pattern of behaviour that needs to change, not just the substance use. does your boyfriend know how much he is hurting you? that stuff does make them heartless though. if he won’t get off it then you’re going to have a road to heartbreak. so many of us going through all this it seems xx hiya sal hope your ok. i’m 11 week clean from coke. i started ca 11 week ago and have been clean since. did he get a sponsor and work the steps at the meetings? i feel so much happier since joining and my life is on the right track. i just used on my own and feel embarrassed. does your partner want to quit? he needs get rid of the dealers nums and get a new num. come off social media aswell we’re u can message them. that’s just the start. he can’t drink neither. hi ash, thank you for your reply. last week was i was really falling apart with everything and i spoke to the doctor. he put me on anti depressants and temporality on to diazepam. i feel a bit more human this week. partly because of the medicine and partly because i’m witnessing one hell of a change in my husband over the past two weeks. he really does seem to want to get better and now that he told me everything i can see how much he too was suffering in his horrible lonely world. last year on mother’s day he got angry the night before and stayed up late drinking and doing that stuff. he stayed in bed til 4pm and then ignored me, then argued with me in the evening. no card, no flowers and he did not even say happy mother’s day. he broke my heart and i was so ashamed of him i didn’t even tell anyone until this all came out. this year however… he got up early, went out and bought us all breakfast rolls, did some work on his car with our son (who has also been ignored bc of the addiction), then took all the kids shopping to buy nice gifts. like he used to do before this happened. also, during his active using he has been so heartless if i have been sad, but since it all came out and he has seen how hurt and upset i am he has been comforting me like a husband is meant to. it has been a shock for him to see the damage he has done but it is an important part for him to accept this and put things right. he has promised he will never let me down again or lie to me, and i’m really starting to believe it. i know it’s still such early days but there is hope. i’m so sorry you are going through this. i am an alcoholic. married to one who is also a cocaine addict. at least, from my education after more than one dui, i believe he is an addict. it’s something that i always kind of knew because we used to do it together. but after my last arrest, i have been sober for 1 year and 4 days. i can relate to the hateful things said during a bender, and the gaslighting when i was actively drinking. i messed up but it was a two way street. nothing was ever his fault. once i got sober, and he saw i was serious.. he gained more trust in me and saw that he actually was part of the problem. he has confessed that he wants to stop or at least slow down, but there has been minimal effort to do so. i’m worried about us long term and when we have children. i do not want them around two alcoholic parents, even though i’m in recovery. and definitely don’t want cocaine or people using cocaine in our home when that time comes. sorry for venting but just wanted to let you know  i get what you’re feeling and going through thanks everyone for your comments. he is seeing his ca sponsor tonight and has an appointment with a counsellor on friday. he’s saying all the things like he’s disgusted with himself, hates hurting me and really wants to change. i believe he means what he’s saying now but i can’t get over the lies and betrayal over the past year, then the last 3 weeks. i told him the time that it all came out in january that i would support him through it and if he had a slip, he should tell me. i told him i would leave if he went back taking coke and waited for me to find out, that i would leave him. now i’m in that situation, i don’t know what to do! we were so happy, travelled the world together and were best friends before this started. now i don’t know who i’m living with and i can hardly bear to look at him. i really don’t want to leave, i want the life we had planned before this but i don’t know if that’s possible any more. i feel so stupid and cheated thinking about marriage and babies while he’s spending every penny he has and running up debt in coke. i feel so lost! hi dan, thanks for your reply. i was reading your comments on different threads, you’re giving hope to a lot of us on here! yea, he said that he does want to stop and the ca and counselling is coming from him, i’m not pushing him into it. i believe he wants to stop, i just doubt his ability! hes been going to ca for 5 weeks but has been back on coke 3 weeks. he was actually sitting at a meeting with coke in his pocket! he said he finds it helpful, but if he did, how could he still be taking coke? i think he struggles with the spiritual aspect of it as he’s not religious. he said he’s going to take it more seriously this time. although tonight is the first time he’ll be meeting up with his sponsor, so fingers crossed it will help somehow! yea, he knows he needs to stop alcohol too and hasn’t drank since january. i’m saying he needs to give up cannabis too, he said he will but i’m not convinced. at the moment, there seems to be no triggers or temptation to take coke.. he’s doing it in secret on his own. i’m terrified of ongoing relapses.. what happens after lockdown? we’re both known as the life and soul of the party and the last ones standing at a party.. how can we ever socialise again?! i’m having trouble accepting that part of my life is gone, i can’t imagine how that feels for him. i don’t think he’ll cope in those situations. jenna, my boyfriend is an expert at disguising his addiction.. but the signs i noticed is that he seemed distant, like he would be sitting beside me but no emotion. he stopped going to bed at the same time as me. he couldn’t explain where his money was going, got very stressed and defensive if i asked him. it’s very common for addicts to not stop straight away. my husband’s sponsor used to nip out of his early meetings to carry on using, but eventually he lost everything and finally got serious about it. now he is clean, got his family back and is helping my husband. my husband says a lot of people join but struggle with the higher power or are just not ready. i am so glad mine is taking it seriously though. i heard that the higher power cam be anything from nature to a penguin or tree. it’s not about god but you have to give 100% to make it work. i don’t get how coke in your pocket will help at a meeting lol. that is his addictive brain thinking. it tricks you into so many things. regarding the spiritual aspect.. please tell him what i tell you now.. i stopped believing in god along time ago. it doesn’t have to be god. it can be our own higher power which he will know from the meetings. your higher power can be anything. it can be a dog if u wanted. mine is basically the universe, good energy, think positive get positive solutions in life. like the law of attraction. treat others how you would like to be treated, be kind, be kind to the planet, recycle. just that basically. and i pray each morning, and all i say is.. higher power please take away my fears, make me stronger to fight my addiction. protect my children. just something like this. for one its not gonna kill you and if it helps beating an addiction. i’ll take that any day. the 1st few week will seem weird doing this. but tell him be more positive, believe in himself, and the rewards will be great. i can’t say nowt i’m only 11 week clean. but i feel great and things are going my way. it really does feel like law of attraction. is working. he needs to meditate each morn as well. just 10 mins listening to a you tube 1, or an app. it really helps to clear your mind.. rome wasn’t built in a day so tell him don’t give up, and at least try these things for a few week. if i new what i new now i would of done this years ago. its just plain stupid taking coke into a meeting, and it’s not good on other people in recovery incase he mentions this to them. there are loads of online meetings through zoom if he goes on ca website. that’s how exactly i feel, i’m the last 1 standing, and when the lock down is over i’m worried. but i’ve set some goals and boundary, no one is allowed our house. my gf has go out if she wants a drink. we are just gonna do things with the kids i don’t want to feel depressed and suicidal for days from it. i’ve seen so many podcast where ex addicts have become so successful and feel so happy in life. i feel like i’m getting a taste of it. and i will do my best to keep going. your partner will just be stuck in the same routine it’s a bout breaking it, and to be strong and believe in himself, and not to give up. keep trying. hope it goes well for him, ???????? thanks so much, that’s great advise! i will pass it all on to him, i think it will help. you really are making a difference to many of us on this forum, i really hope your recovery goes well. some day you’ll be a great sponsor for ppl at ca. thank you for that. i really hope so. it means a lot that. thank you ???? well done danman, 13 weeks is brilliant. long may it continue, and you can get your life back 🙂 thanks for that. it’s 12 week this sat. but thank you ???????? thanks, that’s reassuring. i just feel now though that every relapse is taking more of me away. in a way i feel ashamed that i’m not brave enough to pack my bags, i feel stupid trying to grasp at the future we had planned. i know it’s crisis point with us now and i know it won’t always be like that but i can’t see a way out of it at the moment.. what’s the first steps back to normality? i can barely look at him now. i know he’s hurting now, but i can’t help myself guilt tripping him and telling him what a useless mess he is. i know it’s not helping but i don’t feel able to try be positive about anything. he just told me that he feels like throwing himself under a bus. k sal98, i, like you, wondered why i couldn’t just pack my bags and leave everytime my husband relapsed. i think i had become co dependent on him. my husband is now 15 months clean from cocaine, never before has he managed more than 6 months. he cannot drink alcohol, so in 15 months has not drunk any alcohol or used any cocaine. its so nice living with someone when you know how he’ll react at any given time to any situation. i’ve never had that before. don’t get me wrong i will probably always worry about certain people turning his head, or that invite to a social event that you now dread. in fact lockdown has done us massive favours, as those things havent been a concern. why didn’t i leave….. probably fear that if i did would make him spiral to even worse, and not wanting that on my conscience was certainly one reason. in addition, we have a child together and the thought of having to leave her with him when he was an active user was not also worth the utter dread that would come with that scenario. thankfully things are good at present, i also probably thought ‘at some point when he stops, he’ll stop for good right’ always hoping. maybe this time is it. sending love, and positive strength. lord knows, we need it. x thanks ash, i’m hoping and praying that i’ll be able to come back here in a years time and be in the same position as you. like you, i’m worried that if i leave, he will lose it completely. but i’m also worried that if i don’t, i’m sacrificing my own future happiness. i’m 34 and i felt so ready to start a family and i know there’s no way i could think about introducing a baby to the situation the way it is. i’m so angry that he’s thrown all of our future plans out the window. but thanks, everyone’s comments are helping me to soften/ calm down. i might be able to talk to him once he comes home from his sponsor. i just wanted to clarify i wasn’t condoning substance abuse during meetings, my husband’s sponsor wasn’t ready and willing at that point. he continued his path until everything did cave in and at that point he realised he had to stop and do it properly this time. and i’m glad he did for my husband’s sake. he’s an amazing sponsor. a lot of people get told to clean up but aren’t ready and willling to change. they might go to a meeting to see if things will blow over, then carry on. it might take many attempts but they have to hit a rock bottom before they can go back up again. sal98 i completely understand your reasoning too. when i found out in some ways i felt that i should automatically kick my husband out. but thinking rationally if he wanted to get better and has our shared dreams as a goal it gives him something to strive for. when it all came out i made him go talk to his parents (partly bc i couldn’t handle being around him then) and he broke down to the ground that he had let me down, and the kids and deserved to be thrown in the gutter. yes, he has let me down but he’s only human and it all got out if hand. the drugs played tricks on his brain. he can put it right. his recovery comes first and everything else will fall into place. it’s still very early days but so far, so good. good luck this evening. it sounds like your boyfriend needs a lot more support to keep him on track. thanks ash, that means a lot. his sponsor has suggested i go to meeting with him now. we’re about to leave to go but i don’t know if i can pull myself together enough to go. is it bad that i’m afraid everyone will try and make me feel pity for his situation? i feel like i’m not ready but don’t want to miss the opportunity either? ???? hi, just wanted to give you all an update. i did pull myself together enough to go to the ca meeting with him last night and i’m really glad i did. i know it’s not usual for them to allow partners attend a meeting, i’m not really sure why they allowed me in but i think it might have saved us. the support of the people in the room was unbelievable and i really feel if he fully commits to it this time, it can work. i’m really glad to have a better insight into it. he acknowledged that he was still clinging on to some idea that he could still do it while having the odd joint/pint/line every now and then but i think ot has finally hit him that he needs to leave all those behind him. he said that he is fully committed to going to all the meetings now and we’re both attending a counsellor tomorrow. i know it’s been a complete change of tune from me today and hard to believe but i’m not angry today and i feel some hope after attending the meeting. so fingers crossed we can beat this horrible disease together. i’ve not been to a face to face meeting yet. but everyone is welcoming and we look after each other. he needs a good support network. did he get people’s number to connect with each day? i’m not an alcoholic and i can’t drink ever again, if i don’t want coke again. i can’t drink again. they come hand in hand. and now i have accepted it. well done for going the meeting with him and seeing the bigger picture. i hope it works out for you both i really do. ???????? thanks! i’m in ireland so the meetings are seen as essential but they still have zoom meetings too. it was definitely a very different st patrick’s day for us lol. but thanks for everything you said yesterday, i sent it on to him and it kind of helped break the ice between us, showed that i was trying to help cuz all i could physically say to him yesterday was guilt trips. he showed it to his sponsor, and he really reinforced everything you said. he’s meeting his sponsor tonight to go through the book and then i think meet him twice a week on top of the meetings so it’s going to be very intense for a while. a crap st patrick’s day then lol. well that’s good and it shows he is dedicated. when he gets a month clean in, fingers crossed he does. and even longer. he will get tested out of the blue. for instance i was 2 month clean. i found a full bag of coke out side my car coming out the gym. that never happens. i ripped it open and binned it. my gf friend came round and pulled out 5 bags of it. 2 weeks before i seen a hypnotist, then i relapsed. we bump in to people we normally never would and then end up using. he might already know this, but just make him aware of these things when he gets a good month in, even months. he needs to be mentally prepared for these situations and have the strength just to walk away, straight away and not dwell on it. things like.. i can have 1 sip i’m cured now, even if its 6 month down the line. that won’t work. he will be back on it for years if that happens. its happened to so many people. hope this helps. a crap st patrick’s day then lol. well that’s good and it shows he is dedicated. when he gets a month clean in, fingers crossed he does. and even longer. he will get tested out of the blue. for instance i was 2 month clean. i found a full bag of coke out side my car coming out the gym. that never happens. i ripped it open and binned it. my gf friend came round and pulled out 5 bags of it. 2 weeks before i seen a hypnotist, then i relapsed. we bump in to people we normally never would and then end up using. he might already know this, but just make him aware of these things when he gets a good month in, even months. he needs to be mentally prepared for these situations and have the strength just to walk away, straight away and not dwell on it. things like.. i can have 1 sip i’m cured now, even if its 6 month down the line. that won’t work. he will be back on it for years if that happens. its happened to so many people. hope this helps. totally agree with danman. my husband used to think he could pick it up and put it down, he can’t and he now realises this is the case. he also knows he can’t drink because they go hand in hand for him. i in turn don’t drink, not that that really bothers me, but every now and then i might like a beer or a glass of fizz, but i just dont drink either now, i dont want to tempt him. x thanks dan & ash for your great advise. this forum has really helped me get through the last few days days. i have confided in two friends and his brother but its so valuable to get support ppl who have lived through it. i will talk to him about situations that will test him and i’ll def keep off the drink around him. i’m really glad you went to the meeting and might have a chance of him getting better now. this is really great news. the first part of all of this is accepting that they are an addict. they cannot control their use of this stuff. my husband was still in denial for the first week or so but he’s 4 weeks clean today and already is like a different person. he is like the man i fell in love with. the first few days the guys from cauk were all ringing him and texting him loads to help him get on the right track. now he’s almost finished step one and is going to help the new starters find their feet. good luck to both of you. xx i so i’d like to share my story. bro i feel stupid because i got myself in this but i wanted him. been together 7 years. first 2 years were the best we were still in high school.he lived 3 hours away and i would make time to always go visit. i moved in with him after finishing high school. this man did everything from pills to coke and smoked so much marijuana, look no issue with it i just hate roaches and ash being in the house. so we split up for a year (he stopped the pills was going to the gym) and after we got our own spot in a trailer home , very nice. we always talk about investments, goals, hopes,&dreams. yes yes yes! but every night for the past year ? no 2 years because my son is about to be 1 & he did it while i was pregnant (said he was getting it of his system before the baby got here meaning party hard before baby got here and then stop) . i know when he takes his very first bump, oh yeah! he will not stop after that… all night. the next day if we had plans , might as well cancel them because he’s gonna wanna lay day all day cause he was up all night. my room is dark all the time because there’s a blanket covering the window. i’m a morning person, or i’d like to think of myself as one. i tell him all the time that he’s holding me back from all our goals. there’s so much ambition in him and he chooses to give attention to something throwing him off his game. i also always tell him maybe i’m the one holding you back since he always wants to be doing that. he’s always saying how much i spend in money but really guys do you know how expensive it is to buy coke z how refreshing to read an insight into similar life through someone else story . today this morning was an all time low for me . as i discovered a small dis guarded cocaine bag . after coming home from work. where i had been chatting to a friend. who gave me some advice. i made the horrific find this morning. confirming the fact that my i thought just “ alcoholic “ husband was in fact taking cocaine. also as i pieced together events i realised that in fact , he has been a habitual and perpetual taker of cocaine. but somehow i missed all the clues . clues that i brushed off , constantly tired grumpy. then boom good mood . a work associate of his said flippantly to me once “ he likes a bit of coke “ unfortunately he was chatting me up so i thought at the time ( as others had thought it too ) i stupidly thought he was lying. then a few months ago when he was still drinking 3 litres minimum of gin a week . i found a similar small zip plastic bag . but thought nothing of it . then after a few rows lately he seems to have calmed the drinking down . but for the last few weekends has been very jolly and up all night . after discussing with a friend who questioned the behaviour. ( having had a relative at home take cocaine) i then realised what i’d not been noting as cocaine taking . oddly enough thank the lord god , i literally found the dis guarded evidence plastic bag . to match behaviour. i’ve not told another person . apart from the friend that gave me the nod . i’m crushed but shell shocked, deeply sad and heart broken. but haven’t cried or confronted my husband. because i’ve learned over the 5 years with him drinking. it gets me nowhere. it’s like i’m now living in a nightmare that only i’m aware of hi i’m new to this group after having the last 3 years of hell feeling i had no where to turn and in constant fear not of physical violence but that my hubby will have a hear attack and i have to cpr. is is wrong i sometimes wish a medical episode that he may realise the coke is the issue not me . reading the above stories and i now no i’m not the only one . thanks so much for posting today, it’s reminded me that we aren’t all alone in this. i woke up crying and made the decision to leave, then i got the notification about this forum. i posted in this forum a lot in march and got great help. however he has relapsed a few times since then, it seems he’s in far too deep now to just stop without residential rehab. i met his counsellor with him on monday, he promised me the world and assured me he would stop. yesterday (tuesday) i discovered he was texting ppl to get coke. its completely taken over him. i’m in absolute turmoil now whether leaving is the right thing but i have to accept that he is not the man i loved while this ugly drug has a hold on him. has your partner admitted that he needs help? no sal98 he says i have a problem as it’s only a little bit. it’s a little bit 5 nights a week . he’s let me down massively over the last couple of years. he got off it before my sisters wedding so he didn’t come . my dad’s funeral last year he got off it. when i’ve needed him he’s not there i’ve lied about where he is. my kids are aware as they are 20 17 . they think he’s a loser these are two girls who were daddies girls . i’m so sad . i did confined in his siater who then rang him and told him what i’d said. none of it a lie but he told her i was deluded . i told him i thought he was addict last night probably not best idea. he says he’s leaving me in 4 weeks when our eldest goes back to her base . i said why wait f#$k off now . plus apparently i didn’t dry his clothes on time . i forgot to put them in drier last night send got up sn hour early this morning. he does nothing in the house nl cooking cleaning . i pay all bills . even cinders went to a ball hi ‘she’ oh no….. you are not alone in wishing that, it certainly crossed my mind at times. it is because you feel helpless, and because you yourself cannot stop him using it, your only hope is that ‘something’ else stops him. my husband is clean now, and has been for 17 months, its amazing! but it took a hole in his septum and my consistency of not accepting it for him to stop for good. he also has not drunk any alcohol for the same period of time. he did not have a drink problem, but the two went hand in hand, and drinking is certainly a trigger. you are not alone sweetheart, if you would like any help with coping please ask, and we will help if we can. also there are ex addicts on this site, and they will also help you from the other perspective. i did not handle it well, and i have ptsd because of his drug use. its getting better all the time, with time, but its so hard for everyone involved. sending love x i posted twice, sorry! thank ash. it has taken loads of courage to join this as i fid not know what to do i have reams of writing as i started to journal the good the bad and ugly when i noticed it all . it’s created a narcissistic person who is awful lazy rude . but in public the bloody bees knees . glad j can look through this and feel there maybe hope . we’ve been together 22 years and the last 3 have been horrendous. we split once for 6 weeks i had no clue where he was for 2 . then found out he was at his dad’s. his family think i make it up as he told them i did . i asked his dad for help as he is an alcoholic who has been sober for 30yrs who understood and told me stuff tk look out for . we had a good relationship till that day i told him . my hubby told his died i lied and he’s not spoke to me since i worker in mh services so i understand some bits . sorry to go on but it’s just nice to finally sick this up hi she, oh boy, yes they become the masters of manipulation! treat those close (you) like the enemy, but to everyone else they appear to be wonderful. i only confided in a couple of friends, i did not tell my family, or his. i think to be fair if i had told his family it would have been worse for me. the fear of repercussion of anything i did was massive. no, he never physically abused me, but the mental abuse was torture. you become desensitised to it to a point, their behaviour becomes almost acceptable, but if you talk about it to anyone else they look at you like you are nuts to still be together. i stayed because i knew there was a good person in there and also because we have a child and part of that being that i did not want to ever have to leave her with him alone (crazy right!). he now talks about people who ‘use’ with contempt and disgust. i truly hope this is forever now. the fear of relapse for me is still there, but its getting easier. do you have kids? does he work? part of our problem was that my husband could afford it, he never got into debt or borrowed money. it made it easy! ash x hi sal, i’ve read a lot over the years about cocaine addiction, and i know it takes a strong willed person to stop. cocaine is worse than heroin in terms of its psychological hold on the addict. the physical withdrawal nothing like opioids, but psychologically it is harder to stop. my husband gave up 17 months ago (after a number of failed attempts) this has been the longest time clean by probably a year…. and like i’ve mentioned before, his mindset has shifted. he did it without help, no rehab, no counsellor, just support from me and his child. but he had to want to give up. there was never anything i could say to stop him doing what he wanted, before the lightbulb moment, which was partly down to a hole inside his nose. he does not associate with the old crew, he spends his time at work, at home, and some time seeing friends who do not use. believe me, this reduced his circle of friends by probably 90%. he has not touched alcohol. he is 49, and i think he’s grown up (finally) i feel so much empathy for people who are going through what i did, i wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. sending love x get out , get out if you can because it will not change at all….. i wish i could walk away but i’m financially trapped for the next 5 years then i’m free to walk away…. it will bring you so down that you will hit rock bottom and not know how to come back up…… it’s such a hard decision to leave, it’s the logical decision for most of us to leave. but the it’s only us in the situation that understand what it’s like wishing the person we fell in love with back to life. but if he’s not doing anything to help himself and is continuing to beat you down, maybe it’s time to give up wishing. i left 10 days ago, when i last commented. but i’m still in turmoil over what to do. my leaving has really hit him hard and his whole family are disgusted with him now that the whole truth is out. he’s been saying he wants to change for months but i think the consequences have really hit him this time. he’s now trying every day to get a place in a residential rehab. i’ve decided to go back if he goes to rehab. it all sounds like it’s positive at the minute but i still can’t get over all the hurt from the lies he’s put me through and i hate having to be suspicious all the time so i’m not too optimistic. i’ve started seeing a family addiction counsellor and honestly i can’t recommend it enough. i initially refused to see a counsellor as i thought it would be about teaching me to be more tolerant with addiction. but it’s completely different, they coach you about how to communicate effectively with your addict and teach you about setting boundaries with them. @she i think this would be very important to you because you need to start looking after you. @sal98 you are brave and strong xx it’s your decision what ever you decide its not easy getting out x i’ve struggled with that thought as i have a,17yr here so it’s not easy to go as where do i go. a mum leaving her daughter behind it’s just not a thing i’m willing to do yet until she is away at uni. since the showdown he hasn’t done it but boy is he grumpy. i’m guessing the abstinence won’t last. yea, i’m in a completely different situation, we don’t have kids and we were living in a house owned by his family. but i’m not in an ideal situation now, sleeping on an air bed in my friends apartment. and it looks like i’ll go back soon, but if that doesn’t work, rent prices is crazy here so i’m going to have to find a house share to live in.. i’m dreading the thought of that. maybe in your situation if it doesn’t work out, you may be asking him to leave. but whatever happens, i think a family addiction counsellor will be a great help to you. i’m in ireland and i was surprised to find how freely available counselling is here, but if you’re in a country where it is expensive, there’s services like al anon that’s always free. just found this thread again. please know you are all amazing strong survivors. my story read like many here…however along time and all my patience later i hope it’s all behind us. three failed attempts but the final threat from his narcissistic supplier/groomer about me was enough for him to finally believe what’s i’d said all along. so much money lost, time lost but a week in vegas away from all the noise was enough to break the spell. a threat for him to move out and he realised. never thought it would end. four years of hell….still have nightmares and sometimes think he’ll relapse but he genuinely seems to be back to former person. this is now two years on..lockdown also helped us . sending you all much love avd strength. i woud have kicked him out though and that certainty from me really helped him see his future so dont be scared to be honest…he said it helped him to focus. replying to @she just found this thread again. please know you are all amazing strong survivors. my story read like many here…however along time and all my patience later i hope it’s all behind us. three failed attempts but the final threat from his narcissistic supplier/groomer about me was enough for him to finally believe what’s i’d said all along. so much money lost, time lost but a week in vegas away from all the noise was enough to break the spell. a threat for him to move out and he realised. never thought it would end. four years of hell….still have nightmares and sometimes think he’ll relapse but he genuinely seems to be back to former person. this is now two years on..lockdown also helped us . sending you all much love avd strength. i woud have kicked him out though and that certainty from me really helped him see his future so dont be scared to be honest…he said it helped him to focus. i absolutely just took so much strength from your post, i am 2 years in to having a wife who has multiple addictions. we have 2 sets of twins and i have a stressful job and i used denial to try get through the first year, then started to see the writing was on the wall as she continually relapsed. this week has been my lowest week ever, i am barely hanging on and have to continually put on a brave face for my children. i have decided that i am going to have to have the hard discussions and ask her to leave and think about divorce etc. she lives a comfortable life as i pay all the bills and her money is just wasted on her addiction. i have bailed her out more times than i care to remember, and she has stolen from me and the children on multiple occasions, but i will not be defeated. i am going to take your advice and hopefully show her that this could be the end if she doesn’t take the support that has been offered. it will kill me to do it, but it’s killing me living how we are. thank you all on here again for your stories and messages of support, seeing people genuinely showing concern and support for others give me faith in the human race. everyone, take care and stay strong. you have that inner strength i can see and you want the best for everyone but need to put you first. i really hope this is the shock to the system that helps you all move on. like you said you cannot live in this limbo and however painful it is….you need to break the cycle. thinking of you and you have this group to fully support and understand you. best wishes thanks chellou, it means a lot to hear that your partner is now 2 years clean. i’m really hoping that if mine goes through rehab, it will work this time. i really feel for your situation @leeds, i hope it can work out for you. i think you’re right though, she needs to realise how serious the situation is now. thanks @sal, it really is the last chance now because i am running the risk of alienating my own family who have shown nothing but support to my wife since finding out her issues but the more she continues to spiral the more they are beginning to push back everytime i call in tears. one thing i can say, i haven’t eaten a meal since wednesday due to the stress i have been under, that knot in my stomach was so tight, but just reading others experiences on here and having support from other members has made me feel so much better, so i am going to sit and eat a meal shortly with my kids and try to enjoy a normal evening. thanks again. it’s amazing the difference getting things off your chest can make.. even to complete strangers! so enjoy your meal tonight! i’m glad to know that you have a supportive family. i know the feeling of thinking that i was pushing away friends by calling in tears all the time.. but i think i may have got it wrong, i’ve had great support in the last 10 days since i’ve left him and even since deciding that i’ll probably go back soon. so it sounds like you will get plenty of support from your family whatever you decide. sorry posted twice by accident! xxx i resonate so much with all these threads. i’ve been in a constant boom bust cycle with my partner for over a year now with cocaine addiction. he was doing zoom ca for around 8 weeks but half heartedly so it was inevitable a relapse would take place. i’m now at my ‘rock bottom’ with his behaviour. i have a brother with psychiatric problems who went missing recently and he was completely unsupportive throughout this, actually having a go at me for being upset about it!? i could tell this was because a relapse was about to happen. i ended up at the doctor last week as have been unable to wake up no matter how much sleep i have and have constant tightness in my chest and arms. doctor told me it’s because your body becomes used to being in a certain state of panic and my subconscious about him relapsing is preying on me. he’s pretty sure blood tests will reveal nothing and has referred me for counselling. i am very fortunate to have access to these things via my work. he did use a few days later and twice this week. he never apologises and just directs horrific emotional abuse towards me. i told him he now has to leave and now that he has realised i’m serious about it he has become even more nasty. apparently he hates me, i have nothing, i am false, i am ugly, i am an oddball, i have no friends. i have flabby arms and stomach, my brother is a mongo (!!), he doesn’t want to be near me, he can’t stand me, i’m controlling etc etc etc. i know i’m none of these things. i’m an attractive, kind and loving person living with an unsupportive, arrogant cocaine addict. oh and i saw he was using tinder. and has been talking to another woman on whatsapp. it’s actually all quite helpful because although incredibly painful and sad to think how our life is without cocaine, i’m not willing to accept this as my life. we only have one right? he lives in my house which i own and is being difficult about moving out (not sure why if he dislikes me so much). he has a home in a different city so i’m praying he gives his tenant notice and leaves soon. i have a friend coming to stay in a few weeks. hopefully this will nudge him into action. i feel sick to the stomach of what i’m going to be dealing with over the next month or so. sending much love and thoughts to everyone who is suffering with an addicted loved one. x hi christinag, i could of written what you wrote myself, i too 6 weeks ago now went doctors for bloods and had brain fog. i too have an ex who is a cocaine addict at this time he was 7 weeks clean and like yourself my body was on high alert waiting for a relapse, we were getting on so well though at the time and our daughter was only 6 weeks old. he too not even a week later relapsed i think our bodies have a clever way of not letting us put our guard down even when we try to it’s naturally on high alert my bloods came back normal. after he’s relapse i ended the relationship and told him i can’t carry on no more, he hasn’t got he’s clothes only gave me £60 for the children and has ignored my last message 2 weeks ago regarding he’s belongings and paying child maintenance. you are definitely doing the right thing by protecting yourself and detaching from him he has said some hurtful things to you, my ex isn’t this way at all he’s very distant cold and doesn’t communicate at all. i hope with your friend coming he realises for your sake has to leave. it is awful being the loved ones as we have no escape, but we do we can escape from them a lead a normal worry free happy life, wishing you all the best! xx thanks for your message. i’m so sorry to read that you’re dealing with this together with your six week old daughter. i can’t begin to think how difficult it must be to cope when you have children never mind a newborn. i’m sure you are managing much better without the constant stress and anxiety. wishing you a peaceful and happy life xxx i’m really sorry you’re in such a horrible situation.. but on the upside he’s making it very easy for you to tell him to leave.. (i know it’s never easy, but no one could put up with that behaviour). you’re being more than nice not physically locking him out of the house. it’s important to focus on looking after yourself now, i’m sure you will feel great relief when he is gone and you don’t have to worry about him constantly. i’m currently waiting for my partner to get a space in rehab and i feel in constant anxiety that he’s going to relapse beforehand. so wishing you lots of strength and support from your friend to get through this horrible period. thanks for your reply. you’re right, he is making the decision easier. this morning i was lying in bed thinking ‘how have i let my life end up like this?’. i should have put an end to it a while ago but he showed willing with ca so i gave it one more shot but now i’m done as it’s making me ill and i get nothing out of the relationship except stress and upset. i hope your partner gets a space soon and it’s great he is willing to go to rehab. hope you find some peace and contentment amongst the anxiety. xxx anyone that has used and now stopped! can you clear some stuff up for me! what made you stop? i notice everyone saying you get horny on it, if you have sex with someone are feelings involved or is it just a shag? surely you can stop yourself from having sex it’s your choice! coke doesn’t make you have sex! is that right? my husband is a cocaine addict. he was trying to stop as well, went to the group therapy and to a number of psychiatrists. it didnt help. he is not my loving husband any more, when he is high it’s just like a shell of a person. he was breaking his promises almost every week, he was mentally and emotionally abusing me. he was disappearing from time to time for couple of days, forgetting about the family holidays, anniversaries and birthdays. after he will come back and will beg to forgive him, that it was not him, that he loves me more than anything and will do everything for me and he need to get help and he will get help. and in couple of weeks or days he will forget about how bad it was and will start again. and with the time it all gets just worse and worse and he need to take more and more. im not a happy person any more, every day i expect that he will do something stupid. i have a sickening feeling in my stomach and a kind of panic feeling. i’m not enjoying going out with him any more or visiting friends, all the time im tense. i started to have psychological problems myself. i was hoping that he will stop but i think it will never happen. and now i dont know what to do…i love him, but i cant live like this no more im currently in a situation that i just found out about with my wife of 25 years we have 2 children 24. and 18 i just found out a few days ago that she is using coke . i accidently drove past her after she just purchased a gram of coke from a dealer . i told her i saw her and at 1st she denied it then she confessed to me when i got home she told me she has been using for approximately 2 years now. according to her roughly 3 grams a month . however i dont really believe her . unfortunately she doesnt believe she has a problem im not sure if we are gonna make it . i love my wife with all my heart and i always felt she felt the same but right now i dont know if thats enough . she has been distant and less interested and affectionate towrds me the last 2 years i had a feeling something was going on but didnt think she was using again . when we got married she told me she used coke in her past but stopped because it was getting out of hand . so im gonna try to get her to treatment but i can tell its gonna be a struggle. . at this time i just dont know if we are gonna make it i am so sorry for your situation. i have been struggling trying to figure out what happened to my life in the weeks leading up to discovering my husband was using cocaine and what has happened ever since. my husband and i were (so i thought) happily together for 3 and a half years. we would always tell each other how lucky we were and planned an entire future together. we had many goals and dreams of moving to hawaii and starting a family. this year he started a new “job”. there were red flags right away as his new “boss” was keeping him out partying until 5,6,7 in the morning. he said he needed to impress the boss and they were “networking”. these nights would randomly happen from time i time over a few months. the problem is he had not been paid over the course of the entire time. it was a sales position but there were no sales made and we hadn’t received any money for 6 months (my husband was at the office working 7 days a week for 12 hours a day trying to get this business going). i tried my best to be supportive but this was so frustrating. fast forward to march and my husband was still doing super sweet things for me like hanging up pictures of us around the house and telling me how much he loved me. a few weeks later in april he didn’t come home for a 3 day period (same time his “boss” got back to town) his phone was off and he was angry with me all of a sudden. nothing like this has ever happened before. he blamed our sex life and said he didn’t know if he could do this anymore. a couple more weeks of him randomly coming home or not and really unusual behaviors like major mood swings, anger at me, random bursts of energy, sadness. and i found a text on our computer that said “the next time you do coke im punching you in the face” from one of his friends. it all made sense. i got him to admit he’s been using for 5 months although the said “only a couple times” which i think is a complete lie as i’m 99% sure he was on it when i found out. i’ve caught him in many lies since. i did not see this coming. since then he’s said he cannot commit to coming home anymore. he’s said he “doesn’t see this working out” and it was “gradual” and “i don’t think it’s gunna happen” for our marriage to me the problems only began when he started using the drug (working long hours, small personality changes like big ego and all around meaner attitude) i’m having such a hard time trying to understand if this is him speaking this or it’s because he knows he can’t live this drug life with me. he’s pushed me away completely and i’m the only one here that loves him that sees the problem. ive told his family in hopes they would help but they think when they talk to him “he seems fine”. the real him would never act this way or say these things. he says “we’ve never had chemistry” which is such a lie and so hurtful. he worshiped me before. loved me so much before all this happened. not to mention our entire savings account has been drained in the process and he has no answer to where the money went. i’m at a loss. i understand that this all happened but when i speak to him on the phone he sounds normal so i have a hard time figuring out if this is the real him or not. i know probably not but it’s hard when you don’t have answers. he seems completely delusional and oblivious to everything that is happening but has a new job and seems to be functioning normally otherwise. when he found out i had been prescribed anxiety medication he asked “is it because your homesick?” what?? does he not realize that he just completely left me out of no where with no answers and all of our money is gone? ugh. i feel like i’m now addicted to reading stories on this forum in search of answers since he doesn’t provide me with any. hi cali so sorry to read your post. i too have been in your shoes and resonate with everything you say. the reply from ash is spot on   unfortunately until he is willing to do something about the problem and get help to stop, nothing will change and will only get worse. ash’s comment about him pushing you away to justify his behaviour also rings true and also having the ability to ‘function’   even though they’re not really functioning because all relationships around them will eventually break down (apart from the one with the dealer). i made the hard decision to end my relationship a few weeks due to his ongoing cocaine use. we too were (still are) very much in love and had so many wonderful times together. but the flipside was too much to take   all very similar to what you describe   toxic emotional abuse, where they even find the nasty remarks, i will never know. he would dip his toe into ca but not commit fully   just doing bits he wanted to. my partner refused to leave when i said to him i no longer wanted us to live together (even though it’s my property which i own and had said to him it didn’t have to be immediately   say 4 6 weeks) and the final straw came when i asked again when he would be moving out and he backed me into a corner several times, threatening me with violence. i had to leave my house. the next day i changed the locks, put his belongings in the shed and told him what i’d done. that wasn’t an easy decision but for me but it was my only option for my own safety and sanity. he is now back in our home city and incredibly remorseful but not committing to a path of recovery. i wish for him to have the happy life he deserves but also for me to have that too. hopefully by reading posts on here it will help a little to not take his words and behaviour towards you personally, hard as that is. the drug/addiction turns them into this dreadful jekyll and hyde character. sending love and peaceful thoughts x if he won’t get help or isn’t willing thank you so much for your reply. it’s so reassuring to know others can see my perspective and understand. the amount of times i’ve had to think “i’m not crazy am i?” because this has all just been so insane and irrational. i relate so much to the comments ash made. ugh. so sad. i just pray for his own health and life he can somehow pull out of this one day. so scary to think some can’t. just learnt of an old friend from back homes overdose today. mentioned it to my husband. he is just so monotone about everything right now. hope you’re doing okay and glad you were able to pull yourself out and into a safe space xo hi cali, i didn’t want to read and run. i hope you are ok. i have been in your shoes, so everything you say resonates. and everything he is doing also does. my husband is 18 months clean of coke, after years and years of living on a rollercoaster. it is not that he doesn’t want you, the pull of the coke is strong, and if he knows you wont let him do it, he’ll say things to you to create distance to justify it to himself and to allow him to do what he pleases. i don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, but unless he wants to stop, he wont have a cats in hells chance of doing so. cocaine is a sly, manipulative drug that pulls you in slowly, then takes over your life. my advice to you, and hard as it is, if you have no kids together, move on and let him go. your happiness is important and right now, you are existing not living. coke does allow you to function, its not like heroin or alcohol, a lot of the time most people cannot tell when someone is on it. but it turns people into monsters, and if they could see themselves like they are, when they are clean, they would be mortified. sending hugs x thanks so much for your reply. it really does seem like he’s just run away from having to answer anyone. we’ve always got along perfectly but the second i ask about the unusual behavior and find out about the coke he’s literally gone and won’t come home anymore. it’s unbelievable. i’m worried he’ll never come back to reality. crazy how they can fool everyone around them too. definitely a whole different picture being in a relationship with an addict. he was so anti drugs i did not see this coming in a million years. so sad. hi cali, thats what happens when someone turns to coke, they run away from responsibility, cocaine is their friend, and anyone who tries to stop them is distanced as they think they are trying to stop them using it. my husband used to be awful to me, mental torture. accusations to deflect from his own screw ups. i hated life and just wanted to get off of the rollercoaster. we have a child together, and i was doing everything on my own, he would just use the house to wallow around in when he was coming down. i lived for the very small glimmers of normality that i occasionally had. i have ptsd now, which is down to the life i used to have with him when he was using. fast forward 18 months and i’ve had the best 18 months ever, he is back, he is motivated, he is fun, he looks healthy. but….. and its a big but. if we had not had a child, and if i knew 15 years ago what i know now about what would happen in those years, i would have run a mile. you simply have to put yourself first, and your feelings are the most important thing. you get one life and it should be lived, not existed. christina is right, they turn into jekyll and hyde, and you dont know from one day to the next which you’ll get. be happy and do what is best for you, not for him. you are dealing with a different person to the one you fell in love with. x hi cali, i really relate to your story, i’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years.. like you i always felt like he worshiped me and we had so many amazing future plans together. in january this year, i realised the full extent of his coke use, at this point we were no longer the loving couple we always had been, we were strangers living in the one house. the only difference is that he realised then that he had a problem and went to aa and ca to get help. it was only after numerous attempts to stop and realise that he couldn’t i learned just how toxic coke addiction is. it turned this lovely honest man into a lying and manipulate monster. he recognises this, hates himself and still can’t stop. it’s came to rock bottom breaking point a few times at this stage but he’s been clean now about a month while he’s waiting on a place in rehab. he realises that if he doesn’t give it his all this time that he’s going to be homeless or in prison. this has easily been the worst 7 months of my life.. it’s crazy to think that someone you know and love so well can now keep lying and hurting you. but coke has this crazy evil power, it literally takes over their brain and they no longer can think for themselves.. it hurt so much that he knowingly gambled our relationship and future plans for a drug that he supposedly didn’t even enjoy anymore. but after a lot of hard discussions and professional help for both me and him, i think we might come out the other side. he is due to get a place in a 12 week rehab next week and now i see he’s really trying to fight the demon. although i’m trying to be careful not to be too optimistic as i know it can all come tumbling down again. you really need to sit down and have a very frank discussion with your husband.. and as ash said, if he doesn’t realise that he has a problem, he hasn’t got a hope and he will continue to hurt you even more. you need to look after yourself first and foremost. i’ve been seeing a family addiction counsellor, it’s helped me far more than i ever thought it would. the one thing i say is at this point, don’t believe a word he says right now, the addiction forces them into being professional liars. i bought some drug tests from amazon, otherwise i would have a clue that he was still using coke the most of the time. i’m still drug testing him every few days. trust has gone out the window long ago. thank you for your reply, it really means a lot. how long did it take him to admit to you there was a problem? i’ve known about the coke for about 3 months now and that means he’s been using for about 8 months now. it’s just unreal. he’s been out of the house for probably about 2.5 months now. he won’t admit he’s doing it at all. in the same breath he admitted to using it he said he’d already stopped. he just stays on friends couches now. nothing makes sense. he is just a shell. i’m scared he will never admit there is a problem because he is the type to never ask for help. so hard not having the answers you deserve. hi cali, i’m glad to hear that he’s out of the house for 2.5 months so you’re not always confronting the mental abuse at home. my boyfriend has probably always been an alcoholic, it’s rife in his family. addicted to cannabis aswell. other than that since i met him, i’ve know he’s been a recreational party drug user.. i loved that at the start, we were the party couple. he seemed to still function really well then. but he began taking coke daily at work on his building site (apparently this is common on every building site!!), and that’s when he stopped being a functional addict. he hid it so well, i thought it was the drink that was causing all of his problems. when i said in january that i was going to leave over his drinking, he confessed about how much coke he’d been taking, he knew how serious it was then and wanted to stop. but even with the will to stop, he couldn’t maintain it and just got more addicted and better at lying the last few months. i don’t want to jinx it, but he’s been very committed the last month and is dying to get into rehab. he knows he can’t handle any substances when he’s out. i don’t know what’s different this time, maybe it was his mother finding out and seeing her fear and disappointment and i left for a while. he seems to have some understanding now of how much he’s let down his family, friends and people he worked for. then we went to my parents house in the countryside for 2 weeks to give him a head start away from all his dealers. he learned a few lessons here about how low he would go to get substances, he stole money from my bag to buy drink and lied to his friend so he could send him money. that was a big wake up call for him. but everyone has their own rock bottom, unfortunately we can’t do anything to force them into finding it or seeing the need to change. i hate how powerless we are in this situation! maybe when your husbands friends get sick of him wasting around their houses and throw him out, maybe then he’ll get some idea of how much he hurt you and others, and what a mess he’s made of his life. i hope you’re doing better now x sound like my story but not with my guy cheating he’s just snorting herion fentanyl cocaine typos* sound like my story but my guy is snorting herion fentanyl cocaine, lying stealing out of store mean to me rather get high with his bum ass friends hi everyone, i struggle to come on here at the moment because facing up to my own position is still just too painful, even though we’re 157 days clean (woo hoo….157 days since the last time my husband put drugs in front of his family and somehow i’m meant to celebrate!). i can only echo what others have said… they will lie, cheat and do whatever they can to pretend to themselves they’re not doing anything wrong. i appreciate addiction may sneak up on them but in my mind and for all the conversations my husband and i jabe …ooops … sausage fingers!!! was saying it all starts with a choice and they have to work damned hard to get to the point where they have given their choices away. the truth is that once they’ve gone down this road there’s not much turning back, even for those who want to stay clean. it’s a chronic and relapsing disease. now, almost six months since my husband got caught and joined ca im still stuck wondering if today will be the day, what if i say the wrong thing, etc etc. my mental health is in tatters. i’m severely depressed and anxious, plus i have developed severe complex ptsd. i’m sorry for the dismal reply but the reality is that us partners have been put in the most horrific position and i don’t believe there are many fairytale endings. if it wasn’t for our kids i’d be long gone. i don’t want a life with this awful stuff hanging over me every second. my husband concealed what he was doing for 2.5 years. i thought he was an alcoholic. he has used all around me and our kids. he terrorised me for 18 months as the problem spiralled. don’t get me wrong…im proud of what he’s doing etc etc… but he shouldn’t need a pat on the back for not being a totally vile person. he could have sought help long before he got caught and expected me to help him dig himself out of this hole he put himself in. so… the dreary takeaway from this is… we the sane ones need to look after ourselves very deeply and carefully. there is a long and difficult road ahead of us and frankly, if there is any possible alternative to this painful road then we should never feel guilty for putting ourselves and our children first. sorry for the miserable tone here. i am happy to come out here to talk about dr charles how he helped me with my marriage scandal, it wasn’t easy for me when my husband left me, i was pregnant at that time life was very had for me i cried my eyes out, i couldn’t even tell my family about it, when i met dr charles i only told my best friend about it and she was really encouraging and supportive to me, dr charlse casted a love spell for me and everything started to turn around for good, he can helped you my dear just reach him out i am sure he can help. i have a question for any of you dealing with coke issue! do people use that right before bed time? or even in the middle of the night?! isn’t it supposed to hype them up ? my husband has been acting suspicious, i caught him few times in the middle of the night rubbing something on his gums which he quickly stopped that makes me doubt if i actually saw it correctly or not!!! i brought it up and he says he’s been using time to time!!! ! which i know it’s the biggest lie to tell yourself and others! i’m pretty sure it’s the early stages of a bad nightmare!!!!! we’ve been together over 12 years only 2 years married, no kids , i love him so much but i’m going crazy i don’t know what to do or say, i can’t even tell anyone…. he’s smoking weed but that wasn’t an issue, coke is outta my league hi sarah yes they can do. in my experience, the effect of cocaine on my partner was not what it would be for a recreational user. he would take a gram, by himself using it all within a couple of hours, then drink copious amounts of alcohol to try and ‘bring him down’, then eat huge amounts of take away food and then pass out and sleep. for a ‘regular’ person cocaine would keep them awake for hours and you’d have little to no appetite. the addicts tolerance is different. hope for your sake it’s not cocaine he’s using. x as the previous person, i have been married for over 30 years and my husband was loving, giving attentative, etc., everything u wanted in a husband. within the last 5 years, i wondered why hus behavior changed so drastically. i have prayed everyday and asked why am i being subjected to.all of this rage, hostility, hate, and being accused of all the things i have not done. my husband has accused me of taking clothes, shoes, jewelry, etc and selling them. he is paranoid, jumpy hullicinating about things that r not happening in our lives. cocaine addiction has literally destroyed my life. i am physically, mentally and emotionally drained. i love him but right now he hates me because he thinks i have stolen things dro. him and rhatbis not rhe case. i am on my last leg and i am just lost right now. i can not stop praying because right now, prayer is the only thing keeping me sane. take it from me, this addiction will tear ir life apart. i’ve stumbled upon this forum and spent the last 2 days reading through the posts, it’s shocking and sad to see so many going through a similar situation. my situation is that i recently discovered the extent of my partners issues. i thought he had a handle on them as his previous disappearing acts had calmed down (instead of once a week he’d have a late night out maybe once every 6 weeks), he rarely went out after work for a couple hours and i believed he wasn’t associating with people he knew to be really into cocaine. all the signs that things were improving were there, he even used to get so mad at me if i made a reference to his drug taking, along the lines of ‘i’m trying so hard and yet you still think i’m a cokehead’ being really defensive and frustrated at me for thinking less of him when he’s saying he hasn’t touched the stuff in a long time. this weekend he did a disappearing act after work, only for a few hours but earlier in the day i’d found a wrap in the tumble dryer which had obviously been in his pocket. i made a reference in a text about him taking drugs but not telling him what i’d found and he again hit me with ‘you and your drug allegations well done when you said you wouldn’t do this.’ something told me to look through his phone, something i never do and i saw a message to his dealer whilst at work asking for 3 grams to be delivered to him, on a midweek lunchtime. this was done by bank transfer and so i looked at his online banking and found huge sums of money being transferred every few days with 9 grams being paid for in the space of 4 days. i had all good intentions to bring it to him in a compassionate way to work through it, but anger got the better of me and we had a huge argument. he punched the tv, was aggressive towards me and behaved vile. i was awful with my words calling him all the names under the sun and told him to pack his stuff and go. we haven’t spoken in 3 days and likely won’t for a while. but i’m actually 7 months pregnant with our second child and so conflicted. his personality is to shut down, lash out, block everyone and hide away whilst blaming everyone else for his problems and i’m currently enemy number 1. i don’t know whether to reach out to him knowing he’s angry and will not accept anything from me, or leave him to it as he has to accept and face his problems and i feel as though i need to prioritise myself and son (because he’s certainly not given us a second thought or concern right now). i also feel that i should be there for him.. i’ve told his family all i know and let them take over dealing with him because i just don’t have it in me right now to try but i wish i’d handled the situation differently so that i could have been supportive.. it’s so hard. i really feel for your situation, especially as you are 7 months pregnant, i can only imagine how difficult that is for you! it’s horrible for any of us trying to deal with our anger and still have this feeling that we need to help. but the worst part is that really we’re powerless to someone else’s addiction, especially if they won’t admit there’s a problem. its crazy now that it’s become normal for people to take coke at work, that’s what really destroyed my boyfriend. he’s in rehab now and looks like he’s doing good, but i’m terrified that he won’t be able to stick to sober living after he gets out. i think you made a wise decision to let his family take over dealing with him for now. i really hope he realises what he’s doing soon x hi, i’ve been reading this forum for a few years now. here’s my story… i met my husband when i was 17 and we was together for 18 years and we have 4 children together. i have always been anti drugs so it didn’t even cross my mind that my husband was an addict. like many of you i sat at home waiting for him to return from his 4 5 day benders. i didn’t think it was drugs because he never needed money and it wasn’t affecting us financially! we owned a nice home, a nice car, our own caravan… i thought we had everything we could ever want in life. this man was my whole world… that’s how good he was at manipulating! now this is how it is now… he cheated on me 5 times and he advertised himself on a site called fabswingers. he joined numerous dating sites and manipulated women into sending him money! he’d have a couple on the go at once! he had been a regular cocaine user for years… i was blind to it! i was naive! i was stupid! i couldn’t see any bad in this man because i loved him and i was codependent! he is now using crack! he shows no interest in our children.. he lost his job! we lost our home! he has debts amounting to more than 20 grand! drug dealers are on the hunt for him! he is a stranger! he is nasty and selfish and nothing i say to him is heard! he now lives in a rotten caravan! drugs have completely taken over and it’s destroyed my life too… i was always confident and outgoing! now i am on anti depressants and beta blockers! he knows what he has become and he makes no effort to help himself! for years i have tried to help him but it has taken over my life completely! it’s been a month now since i last had contact with him! i have started counselling to break my need for him. i really hope for anyone in my situation to seek help for themselves and not focus on the addict. yes! only the addict can sort themselves out, we’re just the cannon fodder that gets hurt in their path. we need to focus on ourselves and not make them the focus. my husband is 208 days clean now after 2.5 years of putting drugs before me and our family (assuming anything he says is true!) and the longer the clean time goes the less i feel like congratulating him… why should he get a pat on the head for not carrying on acting like a crazed psychopath!? me and our kids deserve the medal for surviving these years but we’re all still suffering the consequences. i have after almost 7 months of pondering realised it’s the behaviour not the drugs. him taking cocaine was just a small part of the problems. as i’ve told him recently … you’ve been suffering from chronic selfishness all your life! that’s how he told himself it would be fine to casually destroy our lives, when he knew full well that taking class a drugs around the kids was completely inappropriate. he worked very hard to get to the point of losing control of his drug habit. like you jorad, we have 4 kids, nice house, lovely life and everything going for us but he chucked all that under the bus quite deliberately. we’re still together and soldiering on, but the stress of his behaviour and the shock of it all has made me very, very mentally hurt. i’m not myself any more and i hate that person who allowed him to get away with it for so long. i had no clue and i feel so stupid and angry with myself. yes, obviously not my fault but you lokk back and think if only this, if only i’d done that. unfortunately, you can’t go back and we just have to deal with our side of the fallout. on we go… so its been 18mths or over since my hubby stopped coke and weed. so proud. he’s come back into family life, paid debts etc but now i feel a huge void where i used to just feel love! anyone else feel that? the trust went and the fact he believed his narcissistic dealer over me for several years has left me empty. i love him, care for him and am proud he’s knocked on head. he’s more respectful, but has put me as his saviour. i can’t say i’m in love as i had a parallel life whilst he was using and i’m now seeing i may be happier without? he’s drinking like a fish most days to make up for other stuff. he’s not emotionally available and sex is gar less frequent now he’s off coke. how have you all found the aftermath? it’s not the happy ever after i hoped for tbh! it’s too early to say for me, as it’s only been a few months, but it’s not the same by any means yet. every minute of every day im fighting the urge not to break down and scream with how much i’m hurting, then looking at him knowing he caused it. definitely a long road to forgiveness! i find i’m triggered a lot when i look at his nose and hands. it’s very offputting. hopefully i’ll feel differently one day… thanks ???? it’s the anger at his behaviour too. he’s put me in a pedestal for standing by…wish i had strength to leave earlier.. although i knew deep down he’d want to quit rather than lose us. it’s his weakness but we all pay price. he’s low drinking his sorrows. he’s had counselling and his stress is family so that can’t be removed sadly i totally feel you… i personally don’t want to be some kind of poster girl for surviving my husband’s horrible behaviour, yet i don’t want to throw away our potential. i hate this place we’re in… full of hurt, anger and fear of the future, yet chucking everything away if he can be a good husband and father seems like throwing the baby out with the bath water!!! we are where we are.. i’m worried your husband has swapped alcohol in now as his crutch. has he done the 12 steps? my husband has gone through them and it has completely opened his eyes to how horribly he’s treated most people his whole life. that’s his disease… chronic self centredness. he’s a changed man at the moment, hopefully will stay that way, for the kids sake at least. he finds work stressful and took it out on us, then turned to drugs. now he seems to appreciate how lucky he is. but yes… i am really angry, hurt and disappointed. the magic has definitely gone… i hope it returns.. thanks, so good to know i’m not alone or crazy. i stopped drinking last year so i can see all too clearly what i want from life…my zest has returned. he’s trying to resist booze..not tried 22 steps …he’s defensive if i bring up the amount as he’s stopped all other stuff so feels angelic! i just find i’m talking to another person online more about it, who is supportive, flirty but respectful. he’s actually famous ???? which is complicating my heart and thoughts. im not going anywhere but feel so alive when i’m talking to him .i know its just attention, grass greener and i should plough this time back to hubby…he’s fucked me off and hurt me. i hope i can forgive..i don’t mention it and have tried to forget all the crap but it’s still lurking. will be two years soon and i want to start living again without anger, fear with a fill heart and happy future. sorry…huge rant! i discovered my wife has been doing and buying coke for past 2 years with out me knowing it. when i caught her she also admitted to a pill addiction of at least 8 years. she has know remorse in quitting the coke and she is still continuing to use it but supposedly only with me but i dont approve but am afraid to leave her over it . don’t know what to do any suggestions oh gosh… sadly there is not a lot you can do if she’s not interested in changing, it has to come from the person with the substance disorder. i hope you’re okay, when i found out i was in a terrible state. it’s a horrible feeling being lied to for so long. we have to look after ourselves in these circumstances. sorry… maybe that sounded unhelpful… if you’ve gone over the health risks and how it’s making you feel and she doesn’t seem to care then you may need to issue an ultimatum and be prepared to stick to it. for me if he touches that crap again we’re through. no question about it. my kids welfare trumps anything and everything else. i’m not sure any of us know what to do. i left him and i still think i can somehow save him.. i feel guilt, anger and love for a person i no longer know. i wouldn’t wish this life on anyone. me neither, i absolutely hate it ???? i’ve read through all the posts today and it’s crazy how many similarities there is between all of our situations. my boyfriend is half way through a 12 week rehab.. but at times i’m wondering if i should be feeling guilty about how much i’m enjoying him being away! it’s such a relief to not have to worry what i’m coming home to. he seems to be doing really well in the programme and realising a lot about himself while he’s away but i’m trying not to be too optimistic as i know the struggle only really starts when he gets home. i’m actually dreading how it’s going to be when he gets out. like some of you have said, it’s hard to be this supposed saving angel and be positive and supportive when i’m still getting flashbacks of all the lies and hurt he’s caused me. but i’m trying to have some faith in the programme and i think i will go back to my family addiction counsellor when he gets out… i suppose it’s a wait and see kinda thing. but i’m glad that i’m not the only one uncomfortable with this saint title when they’re meant to be doing well. i know i’m not in too much of a position to give advise yet but i think @chellou it could be a good idea to confront your husband about drinking and suggest the 12 steps, because if he’s just replacing coke with alcohol, it may only be a matter of time until he’s back on coke again, either way it still sounds like addiction is still having a really negative effect on your relationship. for me it all depends on how he behaves… if he can remain a reformed character for at least as long as he was on the drugs (1000 days) then i can see that my trust might go from minus 200 million to around 3%. however, at this point i don’t have much faith, and have warned him so. the way i see it… if i kick him out there is zero chance of getting where we were supposed to be. if he stays there’s a slim chance and so i’ll take it. for the kids too. i know how much they’ll hurt if he goes. plus i want my dreams back. i’m a total mess anyway at the moment and am more reliant on him than i’ve ever been on anyone. i’ve got really severe ptsd and my memory is completely wrecked, plus barely sleeping and every day is constant flashbacks and horrible intrusive thoughts. it’s all i can do to hold it together for my kids. it’s actually doing him a world of good to be forced to step up to the plate instead of me carrying everything and everyone, as i have done forcall these years. that said … i sometimes think it would be a lot easier to just draw a line, kick him out and stamp the whole marriage as a load of rubbish. it’s the staying and living with it that rips me apart. but… my dreams and our plans.. and the kids feelings. i have to hang on and see if things improve. chellou… if you’re dead set that things are over and you can move on, then all power to you!!! but i’d say be careful that you’re really certain. the grass always does seem greener x i feel for all of us left to pick up pieces once they are changing. we are caring for all without proper support as can’t tell people what really happened. just caretaker for him, kids etc. i do love him, it would destroy the family so no i’m not certain. would be easier if i felt certain. if i could just accept he’s tried this hard , but i have a huge void inside and although i am trying to be content i’m not happy. i’m being here for future, kids and out of respect for him as he was and is trying to return to. parallel lives occur when we are left to own paths…that’s really where my heart lies but can’t see how to get there without devastation….which would make me the bad guy…how ironic! absolutely ???? ???? nobody other than me and my husband know how bad things really have been, and id be ashamed if they did. i haven’t even worked up the courage to even tell my counsellor yet. i feel stupid for not leaving before. but now he’s changed it does feel exactly as you say … we’re the bad ones. however.. i’ve warned my husband if i still feel this shit in another year or so, i’m going. our kids will be fully teenagers by then and they’ll cope. as i’ve told him numerous times now he made the decision to throw everything away already, when he decided to start taking the drugs. he knew then it was wrong and he made his choice. it’s not my doing, it’s 100% on him. frankly, id never have even given him the time of day if i knew he’d do such dreadful things as he has. i pity my kids that i inflicted this father on them. and i hate him for letting them down. i don’t even know if he might fall off the wagon by then .. which is another thing that probably stops us having full feelings for them. self preservation. i do love him still, and i hate him too. it’s like literally being ripped in teo. so true….ripped apart is exactly right! heartbroken but i know we can’t get back what we had. something new is plan but he has to learn self love he’s watching me but its his journey. thinking of you x yes, we’re all on our own journeys and it’s a comfort to know that we are not quite as alone as we feel. take care of yourself chellou and remember you owe yourself and your kids more than you owe him x ???? thanks so much and i hope you can find the strength to do what is right for you also. thank goodness i found this page, without judgements, just care support and understanding for our similar yet devastating cases. hello i’m in the same situation been with my partner ten years and he has a drug and alcohol problem i worry when it’s time for him to come home and it’s scary because never know he is. he sometimes disappears for days i end up having to look after him   i do everything for him but when on drugs i’m a no body and he messages other people practically begging by calling and calling he says it’s not him it’s two different people but who chooses to take the drugs? tried getting him help so many times and now i feel if i don’t start again soon there’s no point i love him so much but how can i have kids with someone who’s addicted to drugs? 🙁 i can’t. my advixe here is harsh: run, run, run. don’t stop. don’t look back. be clear… tell him you are leaving because this life is not a life worth living. you can’t make him get help. the more you try to help him, the less capable he becomes of helping himself. if you leave and he gets better you can revisit the relationship. your heart is breaking over and over while you are stuck there being hurt over and over. he is using you and unfortunately you are enabling him by saving him from himself. it’s a horrific and devastating feeling but when in active addiction their brains are not functioning like yours or mine. the drugs are all they see or hear. it’s an illness sure enough but recovery is a choice, one only the addict can make. if your partner is willing, get them in to ca/na/aa. they are a friendly and welcoming bunch. ca saved our family. but only because my husband was willing and put in the work. they are amazing. good luck and please get support because this life is incredibly difficult. x from my own personal point of view as someone who is still an addict and struggling like nothing on earth with it is…. i bet this guy loves you like you will never imagine, everything you have said reminds me of well me…. its so hard too understand, when your on it there’s no point trying too talk, you need too just let him be… without being big headed, i’m the most outgoing chatty people person ever, every1 is my best friend, when i’m on it all i want is too be on my own and no1 too talk too me, the flirting bit is probs self esteem, he wants someone too give him a tad of attention thou i do believe he wouldn’t cheat (even thou i don’t know him) i haven’t but get accused all the time, all i want personally is too stop it but i’ve not found a way yet, i really hope you stand by him and give him all the support he needs, he can’t do it alone, even if yous have no future… he is your best friend, struggling too talk about it and needs you more than you’ll ever ever ever know. just realised how old these messages are…. madness, i hope your all well and every1 is on the road too recovery. hi too ashamed, welcome to the forum, thank you for sharing your story. i agree that no matter how difficult times get, you still need to let your loved one know that you love them and care about them. it’s the addiction and the damage it causes we all hate. my son is currently in early recovery and doing ok atm. have you thought about seeking support yourself to get free of this evil drug that destroys lives? i understand that every day is a battle but do you not think it’s worth it? read danman83 posts here, he is a person in recovery and offers advice and support. the ca and aa fellowship guys are a wonderful support too. there’s help out there my friend if you seek it and want it. take care lx guys i’ve been reading through all these messages and we a have similar stories and insights. well my hubby has been clean 3 months and he did it after an ultimatum. he’s had several so god knows how this one has sunk in personally i think he’s had a scare maybe too much whilst out something happened. but … i’m waiting for the fall . i’m on pins if he’s late thinking he’s using. he hasn’t he’s been genuinely working late . only know tonight no answer in his phone and i don’t know where he is . i’ve automatically gone into he’s using mode .. arrrggghhh will we ever get piece of mind i can relate to what you’re saying so much.. my boyfriend just came out of a 3 month rehab just over 2 weeks ago.. we had the most amazing 2 weeks, i really felt like i had him back! then over the weekend, i started getting that uneasy feeling when he went to the shop etc longer than he should have been, i suspected he drank on saturday but convinced myself i was paranoid, then again when i came home from work on sunday. i breathalysed him on sunday and sure enough he’d been drinking. drug test came back clear. to say i’m heartbroken is an understatement. i just feel so let down and betrayed, after all the hope i had that he really meant it this time and he wouldn’t start lying to me like before. now i’m in turmoil, is this the last straw? is this the time i actually walk? i really don’t want to, i cannot imagine my future without him.. but am i setting myself up for a life of lies and paranoia if i stay? i know he’s really cut up about falling off the wagon and letting me down again.. he seems to be trying to do the right thing, talking to people in recovery and organising a sponsor for himself since the weekend.. so i feel like i should give him another chance.. but at the same time i’m wondering am i just being a walk over if i do? i hate this.. ???? i hope that you find your husband is doing something innocent xx i really hope he is just working and phone is on silent, wish i could say something too make it easier but please just try have a little faith in him, for your own sanity, get the chin up and held high he was i the pub and came in a bit drunk. he does still drink and as much as i don’t like that i find it more acceptable than drugs. i know that’s not right but hey ho. any way the fact he was a bit drunk is an indication he isn’t using . my hubby never got drunk using he was always to high to finish the drinks he had. i have been reading over what i write in my phone and how i’ve got through the last few years is beyond me. i write in a secret word doc on my phone what has happened and how its affected us all. making of a book for amazon lol that’s good that he wasn’t up to anything he shouldn’t be! that’s a great idea to keep it on your phone, i found writing very helpful when times were at their toughest, but i ended up burning it. i probably sound dramatic having this reaction to a few drinks. but my boyfriend is as much an alcoholic as coke addict, probably a lot more. its the deceit and lying directly to my face that i can’t accept anymore.. he had been completely sober for over 3 months and was so proud of his 3 months badge.. i don’t get how he can throw away his sobriety and our relationship for a few sneaky drinks! especially when he’s got so much support from rehab, ca, his friends and family, he knows what he should do when he’s struggling, just why did he go back to his old tricks? he knows that if he hadn’t of been caught, it would only be a matter of time until he was back taking coke. he’s telling me that he let a lot of his new routine go, eg morning meditation, missed a meeting because we were travelling and things started to slip, he said that he needs to start with a sponsor again to do the steps. it all sounds fairly reasonable to me, but this last year has taken it’s toll on me and i don’t know if i’m still being manipulated? has anyone been in this situation and their partner managed to turn it around? he said that he’s struggling with the first step acceptance. hi i’m now 2 odd years on. i started therapy last month. so, so much has come out. she couldn’t believe how much i’d swallowed down…for so long and completely swept my needs away to care for him and family. i recommend therapy after the trauma, essential to move on and stop resentment building. he started therapy again to deal with emotional aspects. his drinking has slowed down. no longer addicted to weed or coke. isn’t using porn. is not manipulating or lying. however…i’m now trying to be more authentic and have made it clear we’re on parallel therapy journeys. won’t stop mine till its all out. i feel empowered and happier. exhausting rehashing certain sticking points with him but vital to move forwards. we’re not who we’ we were…futures aren’t defined clearly. living in present which has unsettled him but freed me. good luck and if you feel lighter in your head and heart you’re doing great x thanks chellou, that’s encouraging. i know therapy will help me, i’ve been considering getting into contact with my family therapist all day, i don’t know why, i just can’t bring myself to do it. today, i just feel hopeless, i can’t even bring myself to leave the house. i’m trying to think about things objectively, trying to balance the hurt that i’m feeling and i suppose the evil of addiction. i feel like the lovely bubble that i was in for 2 weeks was just me kidding myself that everything was better now.. but i think i have to look at addiction as an illness that isn’t magically cured in rehab.. he can pin point all the things that he did wrong over the last few days that led him to drinking, he’s saying that he’s going to go to a meeting, meet a new sponsor tonight and stick to the structure they thought him in rehab. so i’ve decided now that when he comes home from work, i’m going to tell him that i’ll give him this chance, but probably insist on him going to meetings 7 days a week for the next while. i still feel like shit though, if i don’t feel any better in a few days, i’m going to seek out therapy. we have had a row recently he’d had a drink he said why don’t you give something up that you like like going to the gym . i said sure ill give something up . but lets just look back at i gave up smoking, drinking and eating shite to be better. so now lets see what you are doing and oh yea your giving up on you now fuckoff. lol he shut up ive had more balls in the last year before i would of back down and and said ok ill stop going but hell no am i doing that now. writing it down has helped massively plus being on here and finding out im not crackers haha… love it! it’s good to hear you’ve got your balls back lol! and we’re not all crackers!! ???????? thanks i needed a bit of a lol xx certainly not crackers….have loved this group. sad that so many stories are years old…it certainly takes a long time to understand what’s going on, stop it and recover. four years on for me…..slowly seeing life can get better. therapy is daunting @sal98 but so empowering xx feeling very lonely right now, but i see lots of people are in the same boat as me on here. my husband has been on and off taking cocaine for years. racks up hundreds of pounds of debt. says he’ll never do it again. then invariably he ends up doing it again after a while of being clean. he admitted to me a few days ago that he had been using again “but only a little bit.” then, some lovely dealers arrived at our door demanding payment. he has racked up huge debts again. in his addiction, he has also lost his job. i have now ended things with him until he can get clean, and even then i’m not sure i could take him back. i can’t keep going on like this, but i am so hurt and saddened. like so many of you have said, he is such a good person when he is clean, but when he is on coke, he is unrecognisable. i no longer believe a word that comes out of his mouth. it’s nothing but lies, and more lies. i guess i just wanted to reach out to others who know what i am going through. i feel like i am in a very lonely place right now. so sorry up hear your story. all too familiar… keep strong and keep talking on here…really helps. you’ll know what feels right to do….we all have different needs but adter not putting myself first i’d encourage you to think about how it affects you….i’m still all over the place emotionally after he’s given up weed, coke, porn and money scheme’s x hi my husband is an addict but he claims he’s clean his normal drug of choice is meth but he also enjoys cocaine. i have a gut feeling he’s been using cocaine here and there but i can never catch it and he never leaves evidence idk what to do. about 3 4 months ago i left due to his drug use and lying i came back 3 months later cause he agreed to all these things and even agreed to drug test to show me he’s staying clean etc but now all that stuff is out the window and he won’t drug test now that i’m back. he constantly has a runny nose and the sniffles, sometimes he does like as if he is high, he gets spurts of high energy, he has mood swings and at times his sleep is very disrupted. i have severe trust issues due to my past relationship and now that he’s also lied to me so much i have an entire story of things but at this point i’m lost and don’t know what to do i am devastated. i got married to my husband just over a year ago. we are both in our 50’s and second marriage. i know he had taken cocaine in the past and a week after we married as a packet fell out of his pyjama pocket when he had left them on the floor. i was literally shaking as he promised he wouldn’t do it anymore as i had found a packet previously. i now found some more this weekend as am absolutely heartbroken. he denied it at first but then finally admitted it. he says he has been doing it for 4 months but i don’t believe him. i’m not even sure that he ever stopped. he used to be such a kind loving person to me but over the last year he has been belittling me and putting me down and his personality has changed although i do see the old husband he used to be as well. i just don’t know what to do. he doesn’t contribute to the running of the house, promises me he will give me money towards bills. it was my house that he moved in too. anyone with any advice it would be very gratefully received so sorry to read your post. i too can also relate, it’s so horrible and just shatters all your hopes and dreams of how you imagine your life together to be. i also met my partner, just before we were 50 but two years on, i had to call it a day as he was just never going to stop and i wanted better for my own life. that was six months ago and i still miss him terribly and thengood times we shared but i don’t miss the second guessing, lying, disrespect, emotional abuse and in the final days threats of violence. i could never have dreamed i would end up in a situation where i had to leave my own house because of a relationship but i did until he did and then i changed the locks and never looked back. if your husband is willing to get help and commit to recovery then there’s a chance of salvaging your relationship but i’d say put yourself and your own feelings first. ultimately that’s what he is doing every time he uses. wish you all the best. take care of yourself x i’m so sorry for what has happened to you   i can ultimately see the same thing for me but am terrified of not having him in my life as now it has happened 4 times and i can’t believe it is ever just going to go away. i wish you every happiness for the future x i have just found out that my husband is taking cocaine again which he promised me a year ago he wouldn’t do but i have suspected for a while as he started being nasty and belittling me and blaming me for things that weren’t my fault. we have only been married just over a year and are both in our 50’s and on our second marriage. our anniversary was awful and he was so nasty in the restaurant that i burst into tears which now i suspect he had taken cocaine that night. he says he has been taking it for 4 months but i don’t believe him and not sure that he even stopped from a year ago. i am utterly devastated and don’t know what to do   any advice would be so helpful. i want to end it but i love him too much hi debbie, sorry that’s happening to you, its so horrible, we can all relate to it. what does he say when you confronted him about it? does he say that he wants to stop or would he be willing to get help? we haven’t really got that far yet as he has said he will stop but he said that before and i don’t believe he did. he hasn’t said he would be willing to get help yet and said that he takes it due to stresses in his work and children’s lives and it helps him to forget. maybe see if he would go to a ca meeting? but from experience, you can’t believe a word that comes out of their mouths. try to establish the extent of his coke use, if you don’t believe that he’s stopped, you can buy drug testing kits from amazon. ive finally had to give up on my relationship, he even went to rehab for 3 months and everything seemed great when he got out but has started drinking and lying again after just 2 weeks out. i left him on friday. i’m in bits trying to come to terms that the future we had planned is never going to happen. after everything he’s done, i’m still tempted to go back. my life is currently ruined, i was living in his house, so now i’m 34, single and living on my friends couch. i was hoping to get engaged and pregnant this year but that dream is gone now. hi sal, i saw that you’ve had to end the relationship after all. i’m so sorry to hear that but i’m also really glad that you are putting your needs first. i think you’re really brave and hope you have good support around you while you can heal from this heartbreak. good luck for the future and hopefully you one day meet someone worthy of you and can fulfill your dreams of having a family x thanks @faithnotfear, even when i wrote the last message, i was still considering going back to him but his brother just text me to say they tested him and he’s positive for cocaine. he’s continuing to lie, saying that the test is wrong. so now i feel like there’s no hope of him making a recovery from this. i am lucky though that i’ve got good friends around me and hopefully mr right is around somewhere for me. oh sal, that’s so sad.. he really is very deep in this by the sounds of it… and as you know there is nothing you can do to help him other than lovingly detatch. it doesn’t hurt any less though. take time and be kind tk yourself x yes i have been told about this and when we get the opportunity to actually sit down and talk as at the moment i am so distressed about everything i don’t think now is the right time to talk about whether he accepts he has an addiction which to be honest i don’t think he will. i am so sorry what you are going through. drugs are a terrible thing that seem to have ruined so many lives   i wish you every happiness down the line x hi debbie, when my husband got found out in feb this year he told all sorts of nonsense to try and get out of it. they are lying to themselves as much as everyone else. they are not even in their right minds as they are either up, down or trying to work out how/when they next can get high. you have my utmost sympathy. in the early days i made my husband drug test, for me it was the only way i could believe anything at all from him. gradually i saw him change back to a sober state. it took at least a month really as the main effects are quick but there is a range of longer effects like insomnia and exhaustion, moodiness and paranoia etc. i recommend reading up massively. it hurts thinking about it all but it’s the only way to really understand what they’re going through. do you think he really wants to stop? or is he just saying what you want to hear? it sounds a bit like something my husband said… whenever anything happened if he used it was like a reset.. mainly if we argued he would use and then not give a shit… it makes them unfeeling and empty. for me him using again would be a dealbreaker, i think you have to decide what limits you have for your life and be prepared to stand up for your boundaries. as i’ve said before this life is very difficult and i wouldn’t wish it on anyone x hi yes i used to drug test him but then stopped as i was sort of embarrassed in a funny sort of way to keep doing it. the last time it didn’t go clear even after a week which when i read up is the sign of a heavy user. i have bought some more tests as he said to me this time to test him but i think he threw them away as couldn’t find them. i pray to god that he wants to stop but am scared stiff that there will always be a relapse although tonight i joined a na online meeting and it was really helpful to listen to addicts journeys and i felt a bit of a fraud being there but as it was an open meeting they were really kind to me. good luck with everything for you x funny how we feel embarrassed when we wouldn’t need to check them if they didn’t lie to us and take these drugs!!! i was too! i’m so sorry as it sounds like your husband isn’t ready to face up to things at this point, it’s hard to explain how frightening it feels to be on this side of things and i too feel so distressed when i think or talk about anything that has happened because of what my husband has been doing. we do talk about it though, and i feel he is being honest   partly because i can see that he is as distressed by it all as i am plus he knows he’s done this. as soon as i found out i gave him the ultimatum… sort it out or we are through. i won’t break that boundary and i pray it never comes to that…but i will not allow my kids exposed to that shit ever again. he did want to change though. i contacted ca and they threw him a lifeline. the change can’t be forced on them. i hope you can find the strength to get through and find peace x i see this post got active again! i haven’t been on for a while, i don’t know about others but sometimes i find it very triggering, especially when it is a person who is suffering from addiction rather than people like me who suffer with seeing a loved one afflicted with this horrible condition. it all reminds me how hard this life is. but at the same time reminds me how lucky i am that my husband is still doing okay. we’re soldiering on and he’s horrified at what he’s done and i feel a bit of trust growing now. i can totally recommend getting talking therapy, it’s very hard work and sometimes i feel like not going but ive suffered from many difficult things over my life. i’ve done 20 sessions and we’ve barely started. but being able to talk to someone without feeling like you are burdening them is really good. they help you identify how you feel and why. i was very sad last week as i’m dreading xmas, she helped me find a few positives and i’m holding on for dear life. i’m so, so lucky as my husband is repairing his damaged relationships with our kids and i’m so sorry for those of us who aren’t so fortunate. sal98, i see what you wrote and just wanted to send hugs really, i don’t blame you for being down. the trust has to be there and if we can’t trust the small parts how can we know where it will end. i hope you can get through this but it does sound as if he’s making the right moves. always in the back of my mind is this: am i stupid to trust this man again? is he genuine, or am i seeing what i want to see? is he just saying a the right things to get me off his back and go back to the dark side? i dread catching him in a lie, i caught many in the early days of him trying to damage limit. i warned him then it’s making him look like a total idiot expecting me to trust him again. this was when it all came out and he tried to pretend it wasn’t that bad. it was very bad indeed though, not the worst i read on here, but i think he was teetering on the edge of no return really. if i catch him lying ever again the trust i’m starting to find will evaporate. i hope you are okay. xxx hi. i have experienced a lot of similar things that have been mentioned. i’ve been married for 11years. about 4 years my partner used coke at a pub when offered by a friend. over those years he became very distant. i thought he was suffering with depression as a result of his mother passing a few years prior. i encouraged him to get help and persuaded him to visit a counsellor. he reluctantly agreed but then stopped then one day i came home from work to find him high and drunk and he confessed and told me he had wracked up 20k worth of debt. he told me he was coming clean and wanted to stop and i thought over the past year he had and i saw that he had paid back money he had used but two weeks ago i discovered he was using again in fact that he had never stopped. initially i think i went into shock then this past few weeks i felt pure rage. he has started visiting local support groups but i don’t even know how or if i can ever believe him again. that’s exactly how i am feeling as he is so in debt. i’m at my wits end. i don’t believe a word that he says. its devastating. i really don’t know what to do x hi potter fam, when i found out about my husband i basically broke down. i couldn’t eat or sleep or do anything except the barest minimum for the kids. thankfully we were in lockdown so i didn’t have to contend with school runs, clubs and social events. i was so horrified and sickened not just by the lies and the money, but above all how he could bring that absolute shit into our kids lives. we have two youngish kids together aged 11 and 13, plus two adult kids who already moved out. what i’m saying is it’s almost impossible to carry on normal life with this awful worry hanging over us and by us doing it we’re basically allowing them to avoid taking responsibility for everything they have done. i know it’s not necessarily easy but can you get away for a few days and stay with family? just for a bit of breathing space. i was very lucky, my husband wanted to stop and when it all came out he was so disgusted with himself he swore never again. obviously i worry every day something might cause relapse and at first i felt i had to babysit him to keep him from falling back down but once the fog cleared he has go stronger every day since. i wouldn’t say he was thinking clearly until he’d been clean of all mind altering substances for several weeks. now he is much better. do you think your guy genuinely wants to stop? if so i 100% recommend ca or similar, how big was the problem do you know? maybe even it’s a rehab situation. either way you are under a huge amount of stress right now and i wanted to let you know we all know that horrible, sick, anxious feeling you’re having and send you a big hug. xxxx it’s so overwhelming i go from being really angry to stunned silence as i just don’t know where to turn for help. i’m trying hard to keep family life going for my children but inside i’m reaching breaking point. thank you for the supportive words. my partner is now seeking support and actively attending ca meetings but as you said the fear and mistrust lingers. i’m so conscious of not doing anything that might enable him further. i’m trying not to analyse everything but it’s tricky as i feel like ‘how did i not see’. i have made it clear to my partner their debt is theirs to payback and at the moment he’s moved into the spare room. i’m going to attend a family support meeting this eve to try and get some perspective thank you for the supportive words. my partner is now seeking support and actively attending ca meetings but as you said the fear and mistrust lingers. i’m so conscious of not doing anything that might enable him further. i’m trying not to analyse everything but it’s tricky as i feel like ‘how did i not see’. i have made it clear to my partner their debt is theirs to payback and at the moment he’s moved into the spare room. i’m going to attend a family support meeting this eve to try and get some perspective reading the posts has helped me realise that i’m not isolated in this. i’ve felt very lonely over the past few weeks not talking to anyone about what is going on. i think the relapse from my partner has made me face the fact this is an addiction not a ‘blip’ which is what i told myself the first time. sadly you are right, there are too many of these same stories and they are all heartbreaking in their own ways.. but it is a comfort of sorts to know that we are not alone and to me it helps me realise i’m not completely crazy, my feelings about all this are 100% valid. i just wish he did not put me in this category of people, it’s a horrible, horrible position to be in. your husband does sound determined, that’s good. do you believe he has stopped? i said on an earlier reply somewhere we did drug tests at first but i am pretty sure i could tell from here onwards if he took cocaine as the difference now from what he has been like the past 2 years is like night and day. i don’t know if you saw my story but my husband and i used to occasionally use cocaine/party drugs at parties, never, ever separately in 18 years together and never at home, above all never ever around our kids. unfortunately after a halloween party in 2018 he had some kind of mental breakdown and started doing it alone as a form of escape from stress of home and work. it genuinely had been a very difficult few years, including a 4bed house move which he had to work through and i handled 99% alone. in that time he had become isolated from the family and responsibility of family life. so a little at first one night turned into every time we argued, turned into picking arguments as an excuse to storm off and use. i didn’t know what was actually happening though. for 2.5 years things got worse and worse, his drinking was through the roof, he didn’t want to know me or the kids, he acted like he hated me. after a year or so he was getting so mad he was pushing me around, hitting me sometimes and smashing up the house. over lockdown i threatened him with the police most weekends and sometimes during the week too. he terrorised me to the point i was suicidal but at the same time petrified to leave him unsupervised with the kids. i asked him many times if he was on drugs because om some occasions he was talking utter mad, paranoid gibberish. he sometimes would drag me out of bed accusing me of messing around with myself..to the point i would put my hands on my pillow and pretend to be asleep because i was so confused i needed to catch him out as talking rubbish. which he was..i felt like i was losing my mind. i issued an ultimatum sort it out or leave. he begged chance after chance all of last year. finally his business partner caught him out scoring and it all fell into place. so bloody obvious now looking back. i feel like a complete idiot! i wish i had called the police on him. but he didn’t want to be caught and i trusted him. silly me! but…. we can’t be held responsible for their behaviour and to a point they aren’t in control of their behaviour either. their thinking is hijacked by the drug. the more they do the more removed from rational thinking they get. but when they really, truly want to stop they can if they take the support. ca are very good, they helped my husband completely change his outlook on everything. he always was selfish and unhappy. now he was given a lifeline he’s very grateful and is doing all he can to repair the damage he has done. we are always talking honestly about it now, which was extremely hard and painful at first. for both of us. plus it took several months for him to really honestly open up to me. at first he would just say random crap to get me off his back. the worst things i learned were that he took drugs at our family ny party this yr (me, him, our then 10yr old daughter and 13 yr old son), nearly got caught drug driving by the police but got away with it, though my children have been in the car when it seems he should not have been behind a wheel and also that on several occasions he overdid things to the point he thought he was going to die… imagine that… our kids could have come down for their breakfast to that!!!! anyway that’s my story. im 6mths into therapy now and it helps. and we’re 9 months down since it came out and our relationship is strong but hurt. we’re working on it. i have severe ptsd from all of it plus stuff in my past that has been dragged out because of all this. i have chronic bad dreams, insomnia, amnesia and am very depressed and anxious. i was always a very cheerful and outgoing optimist. now i hide away and expect the worst. i hate that i missed spotting this situation and feel huge guilt, despite rationally knowing im not to blame. so the long and short… there is hope if they want to change but it’s a long. hard road. he knows if he goes back, he is out. i refuse to allow my kids childhood be destroyed by that shit. sorry if you find i’m rabitting on! big hugs to all of us living this nightmare xxx hi i can totally relate to your post but i am at the beginning of the journey and can only hope that my husband will admit that he has been taking cocaine and get help. i think at the moment he is in denial that he has a problem. however his personality has changed from the loving fun guy i met to constantly blaming me for any problems and belittling me which i believed to be true. i can now see that it isn’t me   i have blamed myself for everything as that was what he made me believe and have started taking antidepressants coupled with insomnia. i like you have always been a half glass full person but have gradually been dragged down to rock bottom. his drinking is also through the roof and i am also drinking way more than i used too. i have been in contact with ca and am attending an alanon meeting this evening on their advice. i am praying for a positive outcome to all this. what an absolutely awful drug cocaine is x hi debbie, you arent alone, there are many many partners in your boat with you, you dont feel like it at the time though. my husband is 50, and we’ve been married 15 years, for most of that 15 years he was a cocaine addict. started as a social thing then spiralled. he is now 2 years clean, and has not drunk any alcohol either. the pandemic probably helped him wierdly enough. i can’t tell you what made him stop in the end, but he did it alone without rehab or groups. he is very determined in everything he does though, so with my support he did it. even 2 years on i still worry that he’ll relapse, but one day its got to be forever right? hopefully this is it. he’s stopped before for months here and there, but never this long, and his language about people who use coke has changed, he thinks negatively of them now. he did cut ties with most of his mates that do it, and spent more time at home (most of the time really) and occasionally will see friends that don’t do it. my life was awful, he was absent, nasty, aggressive, cheated on me. i took an overdose because my life was so sad. i couldnt see any light. coke is a sly drug, it reels you in slowly and turns you into a different person, cocaine is your priority and anyone that gets in the way of that (i.e me) is the enemy. i’ve had the best 2 years of my life since he stopped, and it is possible, but your husband has to admit he has a problem and want to stop, because until that point you may aswell be talking to a wall. sending hugs x hi thank you for your post   i commend you for putting up with it for 15 years   that must have been so hard for you. it does reel you in and change you   i couldn’t understand why he had changed and was being nasty   i didn’t even realise coke did that to you but it all makes sense now. i thought i was going mad. i so hope for the final outcome that you have as i don’t want to give up on our marriage   we haven’t even had our honeymoon yet as it has been cancelled 3 times due to covid. thank you x it really does change them, and you. i was living on the edge for so long, worrying, not sleeping, just existing really. we have a child, and i clung onto the good times, of which there were not many. i’m pretty sure i have ptsd / anxiety because of it, because the fear literally takes over my body when we are invited somewhere where i know alcohol will be. thankfully he knows that for him, the two things go together, so he cannot drink any more. i never really drank much, so giving that up didn’t bother me at all. he did have a hole coming in his septum, and i think thats one of the reasons he stopped, his parents never knew any of this addiction, and he cares what they think of him. if his nose got worse he wouldn’t have been able to hide it. i’d like to think i was a part of him stopping, and deep down i think i am, and his child, but for years that didnt matter. i tested him for months, and he was happy for me to do so because he wanted to stop. i could tell when he had done it even if he denied it (which he regularly did) his appetite, his eyes, his tone, even the way he text me, i could tell! crazy life. if you get tests from amazon, you can test if he doesnt flush the toilet, gross i know, but you’ll at least know you’re not going mad. trust your gut, its usually right. i feel so sad that good people are in this position, its like living on a rollercoaster xx hi i have already bought some more test strips from amazon and the last time i found white powder was this weekend   i had suspected for a while so was on the hunt all the time for any residue which i found. i confronted him and he denied it and said to test him as i had done in the past but i couldn’t find the tests as i think he must have thrown them away. its really hard to see if his pupils are dilated as he has really dark brown eyes. i hadn’t thought about testing in the loo as he quite often doesn’t flush in the mornings before he goes to work so it doesn’t wake me so that is a great tip   not that i want the test to be positive. last time i found a packet which fell out of his pyjama pocket as i was tidying the bedroom was a week after we had got married and he swore that he wouldn’t take it again   this was the third time i had found packets. i can’t comprehend how coke can be more important than your wife but it obviously is   it’s so sad and you feel so let down x sometimes its good to ‘just know’ yourself, because believe me, they’ll never admit it. it is hard to comprehend like you say, but coke is their best friend, and the little devil on their shoulder will be telling him that because you’re trying to stop him that you are the enemy. try to be stay strong and look after yourself, because you need to. i lost so much weight in the thick of it, i looked like a skeleton, nervous energy xx absolutely agree with what ash says, we have to look after ourselves and try not to lose ourselves completely in all of it, it’s a very hard situation to live through but we can survive. i didn’t do support groups as i tend to try not to think about everything too much, i come on here now and again but do find facing up to the way it is so painful. some people swear by them but in honesty i dont like talking about it all very much. in 18 sessions of counselling i still have barely mentioned it as i will just break down. writing it on here is a little easier than voicing it, though if i’m having a fiwn day i tell my husband and he listens and comforts me. it helps him accept what damage he has done and gives him the chance to put things right (i know there is an element of codependency there but done in the right way i think we are okay at the moment). the key things are that they can get better if they are determined enough and until they are well clear of drugs their word cannot be trusted at all. our best position is to get as much information as possible, i read a lot on healthline but a lot of other places too and then we have to decide what we want from all this, we need to set our boundaries and be prepared to enforce them and sadly be prepared to lovingly detach at some point further down the line x thank you for sharing your story. there are some definite common threads i can see in your story and mine. i can relate to the feelings you’ve had and have. at first i was in utter shock and disbelief. it’s shocking what an addict will do. do you have any advice on places or groups for support that have helped you? my partner has taken a long time to admit that coke has changed him. at the moment i’m trying to do the things i can to protect the children and me from any further relapses. i naively thought something like this would never happen to me. i think that’s why it’s been hard to accept but hearing i’m not the only person this has/is effecting has helped. i don’t think i’ve ever felt rage like this ever in my life. the only thing i can compare it to is grief. i do find it impossible to talk about with friends and family right now   i think i feel shame at what has happened. i feel the same   i come from a normal family but since being with my husband my eyes have been opened enormously   i’m scared to stay in it but the trouble is i love him and don’t know what else to do. its unbelievable what i have had to endure not just about the coke but his family too seem so screwed up. i feel i just want a normal life again but have great friends who are supporting me although i haven’t told them the latest. x it’s definitely changed me as a person i do spend a lot of time in my own head and thoughts. i used to be really sociable but i often make excuses that i’m exhausted to explain why i’m quiet. we recently had a family photo taken after, what i thought was, a year of him being clean only to discover he’s actually high in the photo. it’s like it’s tainted every aspect of our lives omg do you think there is anyway out of this or are we destined to be with a coke addict or leave. the weird thing is that his brother is a recovering coke addict and alcoholic too and is just a complete waste of space that spends his days addicted to prescripted drugs sleeping and wasting his life and i said to my husband is that what you want to become. i have grown up children so its different for me but i can’t spend the rest of my life (i’m nearly 59 but feel 39) waking up every day feeling depressed and wondering why i’m not happy when i have just got married again. i thought i was going to spend the rest of my life enjoying things but he is so in debt i’m guessing because of drugs that i am paying for everything and he contributes nothing (he has moved into my house) i’m speechless when i see how awful it is for everyone x sending love to you and i think i need to do the same and yes a crazy world   all i wanted was a loving husband to spend the rest of my life with xx same xxx how are you doing debbie? i’ve been thinking of you and i hope you are ok x hi i really don’t know. everything is whirring round my head. from the minute i wake up until the minute i go to sleep. i keep thinking how could i be so stupid to marry a drug addict who lies to me. i haven’t seen him all week and tonight will be the first time and i’ve no idea how to approach this evening. thank you for thinking of me and if you have any tips they would be so welcome xx first off remember that you are definitely not stupid, none of us are, we’ve all been dragged into this lifestyle. we can’t tell you what to do other than keep as calm as you can and most of all please be true to yourself….and remember what he says may be a load of rubbish especially if he has been taking drugs recently. i wish you luck x if he is willing to commit to a path of recovery then there is a chance but it’s also an exhausting process. the realisation and willingness has to come from him. it’s true what others say that you have to set your own boundaries and follow through on the consequences. it’s so incredibly difficult when you love someone but it’s draining and you end up doubting your own sanity as they’ll twist everything to make you feel like it’s either not a problem or that you are the problem. i found this site very helpful when living with it and i also find it really helpful now living without it as it reminds me how awful it was and never to be tempted to ‘try again’ even though my heart would love to. every single story has some similarity to what i experienced and i actually couldn’t believe the situation i found myself in. i was fortunate to have two friends who are addicts (clean for more than 14 years so a lot of experience of the recovery path/ challenges) and they really helped me understand the mindset of the addict and what i was dealing with. i didn’t want to wake up in 5 years in same situation… i hope you manage to find some comfort and reassurance on here. x i’m trying to set my boundaries and trying to separate our lives from his so i can have the strength to divorce if he relapses. that’s much easier said than done. what a crazy world we live in. oh well another day survived x same  thank you for your sharing everyone. take care   we can do this x good luck tonight it’s so so difficult. i completely hear what you are saying and if you’re anything like me you’ll be so conflicted with all the emotions you have. it’s such a toxic and destructive drug. i hope things go okay for you. sending lots of positivity x hi yes i think i am exactly like you. without going back through all the threads what was your outcome x thank you everyone   it means a lot. my feeling is that he is going to deny he has a problem and that he will just not take anymore but that is what he said last time. says it is a relief to take after stresses at work. obviously i don’t believe him. what a complete an utter mess xx that’s exactly what my partner said. it’s a release from stress. i feel your pain x my husband told me two weeks ago that he’d relapsed and spent a further 14k on coke. at the moment he says he’s committed to following the 12 step programme but in the meantime i’ve caught him watching porn and searching for credit cards and loans so i’m not hopeful and can’t stand to even be in the same room as him. oh no i’m so sorry to hear this. i was supposed to be talking to my husband this weekend but i feel i am treading on eggshells and neither of us have bought it up. he is basically ignoring me and ignoring the situation x it’s hard to distinguish between the real person and the addict. i have waves of feeling hideous then back to thinking i can cope. i’m finding it hard to wrack my brains around it all. it’s really hard to understand why they can’t just stop. such destructive drug. it’s hard to know where to even start with conversations. if you look online and start researching fully you will learn that the drugs rewrite how their brains interpret life… basically they start to inadvertently consider.that no normal life pleasures compare with the drug of choice.. once this happens they begin to prioritise the drug above anything else that would normally be pleasurable.. you can learn this by googling and checking healthline. it’s hard reading but it makes sense in that we can learn how to protect our selves x we talked and it didn’t go well   he has ended our marriage   devastated doesn’t touch the surface x oh dear, debbie i am so sorry x i’m really sorry to hear this debbie. have you got family and friends around? thank you everyone   after all that and me having a panic attack i think he realised how much it affected me   i have never had a panic attack before and it was really frightening. we talked more and decided to give it one last go so i am praying that it works but i didn’t actually ask him if he was going to stop coke which i need to do but am scared to bring it up. fingers crossed but think maybe need to wait a few days maybe at weekend to see if i can broach the subject x thank you everyone   after all that and me having a panic attack i think he realised how much it affected me   i have never had a panic attack before and it was really frightening. we talked more and decided to give it one last go so i am praying that it works but i didn’t actually ask him if he was going to stop coke which i need to do but am scared to bring it up. fingers crossed but think maybe need to wait a few days maybe at weekend to see if i can broach the subject x you are living my life and oddly the day you wrote this is the day he decided that he would start cheating. we have 5 kids. he has ms and has a gambling and drug addiction. january 9 2019 the kids were home for a snow day. at 6pm we ate supper and the kids asked if daddy was going to get out of bed(he was out all night partying and doing blow as he did most nights). i asked the kids to go downstairs and play. that night after 12 years and 5 kids i fell to my knees in tears and knew i couldn’t live like this. every day i pushed through. on the outside no one would have guess the suffering as i made it my priority to be the best. i always thought i’d i was the best i could be he would somehow want to change for me. the 6 months leading up to this night i shut my emotions off and he became increasing mean. he crossed lines i never thought he would. things that changed me in little ways. i calmly told him. i had hoped losing his family would give him the desire to change. but i was wrong. over the next month i would wake up as he was getting home. i kne he was doing drugs but not the other things he was doing. on february 4 2019 things got volatile. he left. he would come by to see the kids and tell them he was sleeping in his shop. on february 7 i called him. i knew something about him was different. maybe i truly thought we were meant to be. maybe i couldn’t handle knowing that we weren’t worth changing for. maybe i hated knowing i was so easy to replace. anyways i asked him back and he came home crying. things seemed great until march 9 when an envelope containing a book size stack of papers. in it was a letter from the woman he had been sneaking around with since the day we broke up. pages of his lies. pages of every insult about me. every dirty moment they spent together. photos of them. i was crushed. i told him he needed to prove that i came first and in front of me tell this woman the truth. since then i have been lost. i still can’t understand how unimportant we were to him that rather than give up drugs he chose to try and erase us. i’m trying make sense of it all. i thought i would never be surprised by the things he would do but i honestly didn’t think he would ever do that. sleeping with this women then coming home to me telling me he would change. for 4 weeks he did this and not one twinkle of guilt?? aw that’s a very sad story and one we can all identify with. this life is like death of a thousand cuts. little by little we lose ourselves. the whole family needs help and support to recover from addiction. are you still separated? have you got support from friends or family? i hope so. if not you can get help on here and also from the icarus trust. it sounds like your partner is very deeply caught up in his addiction and unfortunately it means that his behaviour is not his true self. the drugs have basically hijacked his brain. that doesn’t mean it hurts any less, but it isn’t any mark on you. just a horrible and tragic situation that you and your poor kids need to heal from. sending you love and hugs, as there but the grace of god go all of us. we all know your pain xx i’m so so sorry to hear your story. all i can say is as much as you may love him this could be the best thing to happen to you. i know it won’t seem like it at the moment but if you and the kids can get through this you can restart your life and one day you will be happy again without the toxic situation that you are in at the moment. sending you lots of hugs xx i made a mistake 10 years in to my long term relationship and i owned up to it. it was a massive mistake and i deeply regret it. i also think i was date raped but have no evidence of this, just a very odd a bizarre experience. i tried to confide in my friends and they turned against me. it was taking effect on my mental health and i was beginning to feel lost and very alone in life. i started to believe i’d pushed the self destruct button and was on a downward spiral. i confessed to my partner and we decided to stay together, move house and start a fresh. i was still suffering from how my friends had treated me and this wasn’t getting resolved which continued to affect me. we moved in may 2021, i was so happy as we had awful neighbours which used to threaten us in our old house which also affected me mentally. to be together, better ourselves and start a family at long last. we had an amazing family home with plenty of potential, i couldn’t of been happier…besides the sadness of not having my friends. my partner changed jobs in july, i started to see a difference in his behaviour and attitude in august/september and i started to put two and two together. i got all the signs of him having an affair. he gas lighted me for months. denying anything was going on. nothing he said would add up and he’d make me feel i was going insane and losing my mind. he’s always been known to tell silly lies but this last year and half he’s completely changed as a person and the lies have become beyond excessive. come october he was arrested for stealing 10 thousand pounds from his previous employer. this is so out of character for him and i was completely blown away, he said he done it for me. i stood by him and it’s an on going investigation. he admitted to another girl the same night he was arrested but assured me it was me he wanted and not her, that he didn’t have sex with her as he couldn’t get an errection…to which she told him to get viagra…he did this but told me he didn’t take it as it’s not what he wanted. he told me it was over between them. made out to me it was all her pushing this. i was still suspicious as all the signs started again, his attitude, constantly lying, things didn’t add up. i finally had all the information i needed to prove he was having an affair. a week before christmas 2021 it all came to a head, he had another girlfriend which he’d introduced to his family, living and working with her and booked a holiday to mexico for january 2022. (he’d been telling people we’d finished in the july which was a complete lie) i was devastated, my whole world had fallen apart. he’d been living a double life for months and had made me believe it was all in my head. he’s now left me with a mountain of debt, a house which is half renovated and i only work part time. all for a girl he barely knows. he’s told numerous lies to his family and friends and also his new partner. i dread losing this amazing house all for a guy that has emotionally abused me for months if not years. im now on antidepressants and seeking therapy to help me get my life back on track as i’ve considered ending it all as i feel there’s no way back from this. he’s left me with nothing and has shown no remorse for his actions. i now have suspicions he’s on cocaine, hence the massive debts, the sneaky behaviour, finding empty viagra boxes, the attitude, weight loss, the whites of his eyes and skin is yellow, his urine is black, desperate for money, loan letters, unpaid fines, the compulsive lying…to the point he believes his own lies, he’s avoiding certain friends and some family members. he also had me arrested under false allegations and then lied to say his work place done it. this list is never ending. it’s like he’s possessed by something and i can’t help but think this new girl isn’t helping with his decision making. she had an abortion with his baby as “she isn’t ready” for that, paid for him to go to mexico, got a tattoo of his initial on her, moved him in to her place, works with him, buys him teenager type presents (he’s 34 and wrote a 5 page letter back which to me is not normal for a 34 year old to do that), planning their wedding and family and they plan to go travelling end of this year with the sale of my house! all in the space of a couple of months. does anyone know if this sounds as though 1, he’s on cocaine (as i know he’s found bags of it at work previously), 2, having some kind of mental breakdown or disorder, 3, if this girl is fuelling the situation. a few days before it all came to a head he said to me he doesn’t know where he’s going in life, what he’s doing, he used to know his next move etc and be mentally strong. out of everything he says i actually believed that. when he was caught out and confronted me, he wept (no tears) and said it all got in a mess (the situation with the new girl). i also believed that too. im adamant she’s love bombing him and he’s either had a breakdown, on cocaine or both for him to be behaving the way he is and making such poor decisions. hi jopack, welcome. to be honest with you, he may have a coke problem, but it sounds to me like the physical attributes you mention are more like that of an alcohol problem. cocaine can make people make really poor life choices, and act like total a holes, but i’ve not heard of any of the physical symptoms you mention. i’m so sorry any of this is happening to you. you made a mistake, owned up and both decided to stay together. which means he should have worked past that. but it sounds like he possibly hasnt? if he is on coke, then getting through to him and making him see what you are saying will fall on deaf ears. he may be too ashamed to admit anything to you, so he’s running away, but it sounds like she may be like him, in which case they migrate to people who have made the same choices as them, to escape reality. i hope you stay strong, and maybe take a step back for your own sanity xx im sorry to hear how much you are suffering. addiction is a hideous disease and i hadn’t ever appreciated how much it damages loved ones until my own family were affected by it. take one day at a time   try to take strength in getting through each moment. saying it out loud or writing the words is an achievement. at first i couldn’t even say the words. i was so ashamed of what my partner had become. sending lots of love and strength x hi there, 2 weeks earlier my husband beat me. he is addicted to drugs (methamphetamine and cocaine), but he does not admit it. the physical abuse became a police case, and he was told to stay away from me for 60 days. sometimes he is still under the influence of drugs, and then sends rambling messages for me around the clock. if he clean, at that time floods me with love messages. my situation is also complicated by the fact that, on the one hand, my husband’s family is trying to alleviate his behavior. they say he doesn’t know what’s wrong with me, i don’t answer him, he can’t see me, even though he loves me more than anything. on the other hand, it’s also terribly depressing to be emotionally attached to him even after what happened. i hope it was “just” because of the drug and that if he manages to overcome his addiction, everything will be fine. i have known each other with my husband for 6 years (we have been married for 2 years) and in the first year he had no problems, had no outbursts of anger, was not sickly jealous and did not want to control every step of my life. then a horrible thing happened in his life, his workshop burned, his whole life. then he started to change his behavior, he started taking drugs he had never really admitted, or if i found something in him, he said it wasn’t his. from then on, he became more and more jealous, reading into my phone, putting a location tracker in my car, and watching the position of my phone. if i didn’t respond to his call right away, he came to say he was sure that i was with someone else and i’m cheating on him. his biggest outbursts of rage when he screamed and broked all around him were about once a year. i thought it was because of drugs and stress. i always managed to calm it down. then, as the years went by, he became more and more deluded, inventing things about me that were nowhere near reality. in the meantime, he always said that no one had ever loved me more than he had, and in fact i felt the same way about him. and the trouble is, i still feel that way, even though i know this isn’t the person i met and fell in love with. i keep hoping that if he overcomes addiction, we can have a future. every day i recall what happened that night… every day i replay in my head what he did to me so that i don’t want anything from him anymore … but it seems it doesn’t help either … in the last few days, he started calling our mutual acquaintances and telling them he didn’t know what had happened, i wiped out all his computers, changed his passwords, and he ended up at the police, but he didn’t understand why and he didn’t understand why i was doing this to him. but i didn’t do anything … i always tried to help him and pull him out of the deepening pit. but i failed… i am terribly afraid of what will happen next, what to do when a trial takes place. how to behave, what to say, i’m afraid to face it because i feel like i still love … but not this monster, but the one i met 6 years ago. thank you. my goodness me what a harrowing story, and good for you to be brave enough to go through the legal channels. that’s absolutely amazing. have you contacted lighthouse.. they should be able to offer you support with this distressing crime. you may even be able to do court via video link rather than facing him in the court room. i think you should also speak to the team here at adfam and/or icarus trust. you should not have to go through this horrible ordeal alone. my husband got violent with me a lot of times in his active addiction and it was utterly terrifying. i didn’t know about the drugs at that point and assumed it was alcohol. i threatened him with the police and that was usually enough to make him see sense before i got hurt too badly or the house was completely destroyed (probably because he didn’t want to get busted for drugs). he also was very paranoid and one regular argument we had was about him having cctv installed around the house. i refused and it got nasty… what was i hiding? he would scream at me. he’s also tried raiding my phone to the point i had to hide it in my kids bedrooms a fair few times. it isn’t their true self behaving like that but at the same time it is, but it’s up to them to choose recovery for themselves. we can only stand by and lovingly detatch to protect ourselves. i’m lucky, my husband is doing well in his recovery and i’m gradually working through my mental health issues. i have severe ptsd and am very depressed and anxious. i go to talking therapy weekly which helps. your partner may not be ready to change but the courts may enforce some kind of rehab order. i hope your friends and family csn be supportive x hi everyone. i am at my wits end about what to do. he was in a low and occasional bad mood with me most of the weekend   it was just us here. he is worried about christmas he said as it was just my family here and both my daughter (26) and my son (23) and my sister know that he had taken coke again which i found out about a couple of weeks ago. he says his boys don’t want to come down for boxing day as whenever they are here there is drama, the latest one being when i found out he was taking coke again and 2 of his boys were here. anyway he hadn’t flushed the loo before he left for work so i did a urine test for coke and it has come back positive. i was shocked that he had started or never stopped so soon and now i just don’t know what to do now. any advice would be so appreciated x hi debbie, i hope you are ok 🙁 what is the current status, has he admitted he has an addiction and has he said he will try, or has nothing been said, and you are over reacting (in his opinion)? nobody can tell you what to do, goodness i stayed in your position for years and years. life was like an awful rollercoaster ride. one thing i will say, is that i dont think i would have stayed if we didnt have a child together. your happiness is important, and right now you’re not happy. does he know you tested him or have you kept that to yourself? xx hi no he doesn’t know i tested him and we haven’t really discussed it since the weekend i found out. i highly doubt he would admit he has an addiction. i just don’t know what to do as don’t want to ruin christmas. maybe i will wait and test him again during christmas period as wondering how long coke stays in your system and maybe it is positive from before ie 2 weeks ago or am i just kidding myself? did your husband get help and stay off it x my husband is 2 years clean, but he had many failed attempts before that. he only really stopped when he realised his septum was falling apart! x hi debbie i hate to say this, but from what you write it sounds like your husband is a regular and long term user of cocaine, and doesn’t see any problem with it. it also sounds like you are afraid to have any serious conversations with him about it because of the ructions it might cause. this relationship sounds so distressing for you and so unhealthy for you both. maybe ive misunderstood you, in which i fully apologise if ive caused offence to you. it’s just so not okay for your feelings to be completely crushed by this situation. it’s not fair. some wives are able to accept drug use in the marital situation, if that works for you then that’s fine. we all have to set our own comfortable boundaries and that’s purely a personal decision. hi you are completely right. i am scared to have serious conversations because of the consequences and he is so down right now and pre christmas etc etc. a million excuses i know. i just want it all to go away. we’ve only been married for just over a year and now i’ve found it on two occasions since then. he says he has only been using for 4 months lately but i just don’t believe him. i’m definitely not happy to accept drug use as it changes his personality. i just don’t know what to do except have a conversation with him again after new year maybe. xx i think if he’s only been using for 4 months, it wouldn’t be that hard to stop right. at some point, i think you have to have the conversation with him, because as faith said, some people can deal with partners using in marriages. i couldn’t, and it sounds like you can’t either. and nor should you have to. you didnt sign up to this. you need to choose your time though, zero point talking to him if he’s had a drink or is high, and the come down is probably also a bad time. tbh, only you can tell when is the right time. but you need to be safe. does he have lots of friends that do it, do you own a house together, etc. a magic wand to go back a year would be awesome right, but unless he admits an issue, or decides that he is going to stop because its upsetting his wife, this will just continue. i feel so sad, why does this have to happen to good people 🙁 xx hi thank you for your reply. he says he’s only been using this time for 4 months but he has used several times before   i think he probably never stopped. i’ve just been blind or stupid that i believed him each time. the line on the urine test strip is really strong even though he promised me 15 days ago that he wouldn’t take it again. the house is mine and don’t think he has lots of friends that do it either. he never has any money and even since he stopped paying the mortgage on his ex wife’s house recently which was a hefty sum he still has no money and is up to his eyeballs in debt.there is one big problem though and that is that i love him. i want to help him but don’t know how to go about it. the four months sort of coincide with him stopping paying the mortgage. hi debbie, i’m nervous and scared to have serious conversations with my husband also! as soon as i tell him i would like to talk stuff instantly starts hitting the fan! he always says i’m just nagging etc. i dont understand why he tries to hide that he’s using cocaine when it’s so obvious and i know he’s high as soon as i see his face. he has gotten destructive a couple of times. he’s very manipulative and a narcissist extremely! everything is always my fault. he makes me the reason of his using just like on christmas eve we went to the gas station to get him some cigarettes i walked in and got them and walked out and once he seen me he hurried and hid something and he was super nervous so i asked him “what do u have” and he said nothing then i looked between his legs on the seat and there was white powder stuff on my seat so i said asked again and he still denied it. then i proceeded to pull out of my parking spot and noticed a bag on the ground outside of his door so i stopped and got out and got it and sure enough it was a bag quarter full of cocaine! he still then denied it and said well if it’s mine then give it to me and i set there and poured it all out! then he got sooooo angry like so angry and blamed me for it cause we had a disagreement earlier that day but we were fine after we had talked so he yelled and screamed etc and made me feel like the lowest person in the world hi i finally sent him an email as he was in london saying that i know that he has been taking coke and that i wanted to help him but that he needed to want to help himself first. to cut a long story short he got angry with me for testing him without his knowledge which i can kind of understand and said we need time apart to see what that is like so i’m sitting here wondering if my marriage is over or not. he said he had been trying so hard to make our marriage work and that it was all my fault and that christmas had been so stressful (basically because my sister knew that he took coke before christmas when i found him out about 6 weeks ago and i guess he was embarrassed). i am so ill with all the stress that maybe i would be better without him but i can’t see that at the moment. i can understand how angry and upset you must be with that situation at the garage. i would have done exactly the same thing and most likely got the same reaction from my husband too. how iare things now? how long have you been married and how long has he been taking it. its such a nasty, destructive drug that destroys families. i feel so drained by it all and want the man i married back but everything is almost like an argument or he is sarcastic to me. then at weekends he ends up sleeping most days away or sitting in the dark so i am alone again but when his boys are down he is full of life and wants to be doing something. i just don’t know how much more of this i can take. he makes me doubt my sanity in all this and makes me think that it is maybe my fault. sending you strength x none of this is your fault and you need to remind yourself of that, every time your negative thoughts pop into your head. how is him deciding to use cocaine your fault? you need to step back and try to think logically sweetheart. you are doing nothing wrong! you are trying to help him and save your marriage, theres nothing wrong with that. so much of what you said reminded me of situations i’ve been in. the anger for testing him   is just deflection from his guilt, he wasnt being honest with you, and your gut was telling you he was still using, so you did what you had to for your own sanity! a stressful situation because of your sister is not your fault either, thats guilt too. why should you have to bottle everything up inside because of his feelings, is he caring about your feelings when he’s not stopped using coke? its so hard when you are in it, to see whats really going on. your husband has gone away, and the addiction is what you are dealing with. there is still a good person there, but you need to try and drag him out of the powerful hold of cocaine. its a very addictive drug, psychologically more addictive than herion. his ability to stop will require a lot of willpower and a lot of support, but he has to want to, and i dont think he’s there 🙁 sending you love xx hi   thank you for your message. it has helped me. a while back he said that i was resenting his 3 sons coming down. i did because he would leave me on my own most of the weekend. i tried talking to him but the resentment in me built up in my head that eventually everything came crashing down and the long and short of it was that it was all my fault. i ended up going on antidepressants but he just seemed a different person from before. since last night he now says he doesn’t know me anymore either and said i was sneaking around looking to hang him because i had tested him. i love him and want the old person back who is such a great guy but i’m not sure that too much has gone on in our first year of marriage to try to fix things yet again. i just don’t understand if he saw me in such pain last time that he would just carry on. he never has any money and i basically pay for everything and i guess it’s because he spends so much on coke. perhaps he always was on coke. i just don’t know what to think anymore. i am so unhappy and worried. i don’t think that he will tell me the truth but i think he has left me anyway and blaming me yet again. its so sad :(( i totally second what ash is saying debbie.. it’s not your fault… he is in the grip of a powerful addiction and anything he says comes from there, not the man you fell in love with. we can’t tell you what to do but i will say that for your own sake, and the sake of your mental health i wonder if a little break would do you some good. your family sound very supportive too, can you talk to them about how desperate you’re feeling? i think you should seek professional help for yourself too. we’re all suffering from addiction. yes, the addict takes the drug, but everyone around them is affected and hurt and damaged. we all need to access recovery. sometimes we need professional help in our own personal journey. have you tried looking at the cocaine anonymous web site? there are support group meetings for families of addicts. i didn’t go down that road, i went into talking therapy and after nearly a whole year i’m finally moving on. my addict has faced his issues and knows my boundaries. he knows if he breaks them he’s out. please don’t blame yourself, from what you say this originated way before your relationship, he just concealed it from you. ive spent a lot of time blaming myself and feeling guilty and ashamed… but it’s not my fault. it’s just the way it is. please be kind to yourself debbie x thank you. yes i have got professional help to try to understand and ironically her husband was a coke addict so she really understands. i have also attended al anon meetings but haven’t really got much out of them to be honest and also cocaine and narcotics anonymous to try to understand from the addicts point of view and they have all been really nice to me. i’m just about to start another one. i too think that a break would do me good but i am scared that if we have a break that will be it. although i don’t think i have any choice at the moment as he has said he wants it. i even am prepared to spend a lot of money sending him to a narconon rehab centre but don’t think he will go as it is for 3 months and he has a responsible job. maybe fate will decide for me but i am praying for a positive outcome xx unfortunately the more you help them, the less responsible they become for their own actions. we clear up their messes. they only will stop when they decide to stop. some never stop. i’m one of the *lucky* ones. it’s always going to loom over me though, potentially waiting to pounce. if it does, im ready! i have known my husband since we were young and we dated in middle school and were very close until he had to move away and then we had lost touch. well after that i needed up with someone for 13 years and very abusive i finally left that and was able to get out of it. then i reconnected with my husband now and started talking again etc. we have been married almost 3 years. we i had gotten with him he was sober and a recovering addict from meth then it went from that to back to using meth and cocaine. well he stopped all of it and the last year or so he’s been having a hard time staying away. i left him in july of last year and went back home to my family cause he was using cocaine pretty bad well he cleaned up and i came back in oct of last year and it started all over again and i actually caught him in the act. now he has stopped again i do drug tests etc so just trying to take it day by day! but i’m going through stuff with my brother being in the hospital very sick due to drugs also so my anxiety just goes crazy etc. i love my husband so very much but to him i stay on his ass but i’m not just trying to help him hi debbie, my husband was testing positive for a couple of weeks, but after a week the line was obviously fainter, he was using daily for a long period before this. so in order for a test to still show 2 weeks later, he’s either still doing it, or he’s been using a shed load. i would guess the first, but only you can tell. i would look for signs like lack of appetite, and mood swings. i could tell because one of my husbands eyes was always more dilated than the other, they tend to favour one nostril. please take care of yourself sweetheart, you need to think about you xx hi debbie, my husband was testing positive for a couple of weeks, but after a week the line was obviously fainter, he was using daily for a long period before this. so in order for a test to still show 2 weeks later, he’s either still doing it, or he’s been using a shed load. i would guess the first, but only you can tell. i would look for signs like lack of appetite, and mood swings. i could tell because one of my husbands eyes was always more dilated than the other, they tend to favour one nostril. please take care of yourself sweetheart, you need to think about you xx thank you for your words of support   it means a lot. i can’t look at my husbands pupils as he has really dark brown eyes!! the line was really strong today and as yuk as it is that i had to do this it was taken from urine in the loo which is obviously mixed with water as he doesn’t flush in order to not wake me. he definitely had mood swings yesterday and wasn’t hungry whereas normally he will eat anything i offer him so i suppose those are 2 tell tale signs as much as i don’t want to believe them. i just want it all to go away and enjoy my marriage as it should be. i want to wake up and be happy rather than spending every waking moment worrying about him and constantly searching for clues which i know i need to stop but the trust has gone. xx hi debbie, my husband was testing positive for a couple of weeks, but after a week the line was obviously fainter, he was using daily for a long period before this. so in order for a test to still show 2 weeks later, he’s either still doing it, or he’s been using a shed load. i would guess the first, but only you can tell. i would look for signs like lack of appetite, and mood swings. i could tell because one of my husbands eyes was always more dilated than the other, they tend to favour one nostril. please take care of yourself sweetheart, you need to think about you xx it’s such a hard thing to process having a loved one who is an addict. i personally have tried to separate myself from the situation. my addict is attending regular support groups and saying they are determined to get better but at the moment i cannot believe anything they say. part of me does not doubt the intentions they have but for my own sanity i cannot allow myself to be sucked into the rabbit hole of the lies if it turns out not to be a ‘true’ recovery. where possible try to protect yourself and your family from any financial fall out from your partner by seeking advice from a professional. i understand your feelings of loving your partner but if he is addicted to coke his brains been hijacked. it sounds like he needs help but please look after yourself in this situation. sending lots of well wishes and support when you say cocaine hijacks the brain…please explain to me how? i’m adamant my partner of 13 years is on coke. i haven’t seen hard evidence but all the signs are there. i’ve also found he’s been living a double life with another girl and has left me for this person he doesn’t know….plus i think she’s love bombing him which doesn’t help. he’s behaviour and attitude is very out of character and hes very anti cheating and i’m trying to piece it all together. i don’t know if she’s fuelling and controlling all his poor decisions. so had christmas and my family were here but i still suspected him so horribly i tested his urine again with cocaine strips from amazon from 23rd until today and everyone has come up positive. he is now with his sons in london as started work again and often stays up 2 days in london as commute is bad. he said to me yesterday that i seemed really quiet over last few days but that is because i don’t know how to deal with the fact that he has been taking cocaine again even though a few weeks ago he saw how much it affected me with my panic attack and shaking. he has been quite distant with me while his 3 sons have been down since boxing day but as soon as they left he became affectionate again and again today by text. i am so so not sure how i go from here. it’s destroying me and feel so down even though this situation has resorted to me taking antidepressants x so had christmas and my family were here but i still suspected him so horribly i tested his urine again with cocaine strips from amazon from 23rd until today and everyone has come up positive. he is now with his sons in london as started work again and often stays up 2 days in london as commute is bad. he said to me yesterday that i seemed really quiet over last few days but that is because i don’t know how to deal with the fact that he has been taking cocaine again even though a few weeks ago he saw how much it affected me with my panic attack and shaking. he has been quite distant with me while his 3 sons have been down since boxing day but as soon as they left he became affectionate again and again today by text. i am so so not sure how i go from here. it’s destroying me and feel so down even though this situation has resorted to me taking antidepressants x hi debbie, i missed this message earlier on, so sorry. you aren’t alone, and its so so hard, i get it. its hard to know what hes really doing but to be unable to raise it. you can only hide your emotions for a while and somewhen you’ll just blurt it out. well thats what happened to me anyway! bottom line   the question i guess you need to ask yourself if, can you live like this, being married to a coke addict? because thats what you have to deal with, and obviously he’s in denial that he has an issue because he’s still lying to you. some people can deal with it and get on with life. i couldnt and i didnt want to, and thankfully eventually he stopped. but i’m talking years and years on and off, mostly on. he is 2 years clean, but i still have dreams revolving around it, i still have that nagging worry in my head that it’ll start again. i don’t think i’ll ever get over it. basically, if i hadn’t had a child with him, i would have left, for sure. and thankfully it worked out, but it might not have done. nobody would tell you what to do, or judge you. you deserve to be happy and content with life, and if he’s stopping you being able to do that, then theres your answer. sending love x just watched an amazing video on youtube it’s so insightful to help you understand it’s called why can’t an addict stop using by cornerstone of recovery. i feel like everyone on needs to watch it! let me know if any of you do sending love xx just watched an amazing video on you tube it’s so insightful to help you understand it’s called why can’t an addict stop using by cornerstone of recovery. i feel like everyone on here needs to watch it! let me know if any of you do sending love xx aw thanks , i’ll take a look. my husband and i have had a great many deep conversations about it all and i think i understand as much as he does, yet he doesn’t fully understand his behaviour himself either. it’s crazy really. i can up to a point understand why in a relationship one person might hurt the other, but his kids got hurt too and i know it eats him up having wasted their precious years doing drugs. he is making up for it now though thankfully. xxx this video will really help you both. it explains it perfectly and really helps make you sense of it all. no problem let me know what you think of it! ???? xx hi   just watched it   as you say it is very insightful and it makes me understand a lot more and i too would recommend anyone to watch it. thank you redfox x hi debbie, i was thinking about your situation and that you were surprised he didn’t care how upset he had made you.. this will sound a bit brutal but from my experience they couldn’t care less about our feelings… my husband was absolutely and completely heartless throughout active addiction, he looked at me like he hated me and speaking to him now, in that frame of mind he was in.. he did hate me at that time. he made me want to die, and he knew it, and he couldn’t give a shit…. he just wanted me to shut up and go away so he could use…. if anything the more upset i was the more he hated me and used that as an excuse to take more drugs… he didn’t care about my feelings, he didn’t care about the kids feelings either… it took months for him being completely clean to really start to acknowledge all this too… months and months.. the drugs make them into a heartless shell of a person… this is the reality of loving an addict… it’s horrible and ugly and painful… sorry to be so brutal x i know   he says things that are so obvious to me but as if i don’t understand what he’s saying and he keeps repeating as if i am a child. there’s no point to say anything back as he won’t listen to me. i think he goes like this when he is taking drugs. i hate that i have become so paranoid and suspicious and searching for signs all the time and now i have confronted him i feel awful that i have maybe damaged a marriage and wish i hadn’t said anything. how i wish i had a magic genie who could tell me my future x hi debbie, how was your weekend? probably a silly question! i just read faithnotfears post about her husband and how he was, and she’s nailed it. i look back on the few photos i have of my husband when he was using, and the angst on his face is obvious, he didnt want to be around me, he hated me because i wanted him to stop using drugs. i felt like the enemy, i questioned myself all the time, why am i not good enough? why wont he look at what he has at home? how can he do this to his child? i pretty much turned into a single mother, but with all the shit to deal with from his moods, going out and not coming home, the lies, the cheating, my life was a miserable existence. i couldnt rely on him to do anything, i couldnt do my job properly because i couldnt ever be away from home, i couldnt even ask for his help to collect his child from school ever because i was worried he would do it high. the reality is that the person you love is in there, but it may take a long time to get him out, and in the meantime you are existing when you should be living. you only get one life. if i knew then what i know now, i would have chosen a different path when i first knew there was a problem, but i didnt. i love him, and i’m so thankful that he’s recovered, and is 2+ years clean, i thank my lucky stars every single day. but the memories are slow to fade. x hi well i told him i had been testing him etc on thursday night and got a barrage of texts saying he was speechless and that i didn’t understand his work stresses and that i had been sneaking around testing him and that he wanted space and that christmas was so stressful and that his family were very different to mine and that all i cared about was money which is so far from the truth. basically calling us snobs which i’m not etc etc etc i’m sure you can imagine. anyway he came home on friday and we didn’t discuss anything then on saturday night it all blew up again and he said he was leaving tomorrow and began packing some things. the next morning we talked again and he was in floods of tears saying he wanted to kill himself and that he had hit rock bottom so we took the dogs for a walk and talked more . to cut a long story short he has made an oath to me and himself that he will never touch cocaine again. time will tell but i am praying for the future xx that sounds positive 🙂 he needs to understand that its not him that you dont like/trust, its the drug and what that makes him. when my husband had the lightbulb moment, we agreed that i would test him regularly, and because he had stopped he was fine with that agreement. his tests was positive for a week or so, then the line was fainter, and i think at about 10 days it was negative. i also could just tell he wasn’t using. take care of him, feed him good food regularly, keeping full up is important, if alcohol is a trigger its worth abstaining from that too (my husband cannot drink now as for him the two went together, not all the time, but most of it) i truly hope that he can do this, he needs to see he has your support, and that you are not the enemy, you just want your husband back. good luck xx gosh debbie, that’s a hell of a breakthrough there, if he is starting to admit there’s a problem. giving up might not be so easy though, that drug has a very strong grip.. do you think he might try getting into ca? he might not manage to stop on his own x i agree with faithnotfear, its a tough drug to kick. its also very easy to talk the talk and to make promises because at the time the addict actually believes what they are saying, but the compulsion to do it often wins. its like living with a devil on your shoulder. i firmly believe that lockdown helped my husband kick his addiction, because he wasnt able to go out for those first few months, and then he didnt want to. he didnt get any professional help, but he did have to totally change how he lived. he had to tell ‘friends’ that this was his decision, he had to stop people visiting him at work that he knew used still. its hard work, he struggled with sleeping for months, his dreams were vivid and always revolved around cocaine, the demons were there trying to get him to do it, his nose was tingling, like reminding him. i hope debbie’s husband can do it, but i know plenty of people who have tried and failed, but continued to use and lie about it. x i have to say ash that you’re a very brave woman, braver than me as the day i found out it was a case of you got yourself (and all of us who love you) into this mess and you can sort this now, yourself. i’ll be there to a point but it’s your responsibility. i then rang the ca and passed his details and they got in touch that day. his first meeting was the next day online. i insisted on daily then weekend drug tests and could not have lived another second with him on that stuff. thanks to ca being such an amazing organisation he has turned his life around. they teach them and remind them that their behaviour is the problem, not just the drugs. drugs are a small part of it on some ways. you are very brave to have tolerated so much in the name of family. i’m glad i stuck by my husband in a lot of ways, but like you… if i knew then what i know now things would have been very different.. and if kids weren’t involved id have immediately run to the opposite end of the earth. but we are where we are and it’s an ongoing process dealing with the outfall and clawing our own selves back out from the wreckage. i dreamed the other night i was trapped under a garage door and the water was rising, i managed to just get out in time. no prizes for working out thst meaning. lindyloo, thank you for your posting… i’ve read a fair few posts here and can’t imagine how desperate it must feel to see your child in the grip of this addiction. thank goodness for ca xx i’m so glad i came across this response, as this is how i’m feeling now. my now ex as of recent didn’t really care that she was hurting me, and now we’ve split up she seems to even care less about anything she has done, so cold towards me and like i’m an inconvenience to her and i’ve taken it so personally. i think this hurts more than the shock of finding out she was using crack! so this has really helped me put some perspective into it, thank you so much glad to be of service! just so sorry that you know exactly what i mean because you’ve borne the brunt of it. it’s a horrible place to be, in a way if your relationship has ended because of this, closure will be harder to find. at least my husband sees now with a clear mind how vile his behaviour was and has apologised, it goes a very long way towards helping me not question everything i think or feel as for a while i really felt like i was losing my mind. i hope you have a good support network around you and send you much love. this life is absolutely not what we dreamed of growing up us it!? take care x hi debbie, he explains it perfectly doesn’t he. glad it helped you! you’re welcome ???? xx it’s the hardest thing to be part of the chaos around addiction. they are so caught up in keeping their addiction hidden and alive they cannot see what is going on. for your own sanity and health maybe some time on your own would help. try to do things just for you and see people who you love to be around. until he recognises he has a problem it’s impossible to help. he has to get there by himself. it is so so hard being caught up in it all i know but am at the moment trying to be optimistic and he’s aware that i will randomly test him. i’m going to give it a couple of weeks to hopefully get all signs of the drug out of his system and then will start testing. i am also going to ask him if he will attend online meetings at ca as it will hopefully make him realise the world that he is living in. i’ll keep you all posted and thank you for your wise words and care xx hi all, i’ve been reading your thread, i hope you don’t mind. i usually post on the theresa thread, as we all have sons with addictions. thankfully my 29yr son is currently 7 months clean. a lot of it is determination and strength, but he couldn’t have done it and continued it without regular ca meetings. he said that he needs to go regularly as its his”medicine” to get well and stay clean. the fellowship guys are so supportive, he can no longer drink with his usual friends any more as it will trigger him into using again. the alcohol is a trigger to wanting cocaine. i hope this helps, we’re all here to support each other where we can. i wish you well with your addicted loved ones. look after yourselves and your family. lx ❤ hi lindyloo so glad to hear how well your son is doing. may i ask what took him to get to that point? did he hit the cliche “rock bottom” really looking for hope that my children’s father does recover. hi redfox, he was ready to lose his job, no job = no flat=no car= no money to clear mountain of debt. he wasn’t attending work, hanging with gf who was negative influence ie drinks, drugs, mental health issues. thankfully, they parted, we helped with the debt, he joined aa and ca groups. he has relapsed a few times but this is the longest spell now. he can’t drink alcohol anymore or hang out with his regular friends or this will trigger him. it’s complete abstinence from booze. he told me he needed to know he was loved, but only hate what trouble the addiction was causing. you have to love them unconditionally, but at the same time let them know that some situations are unacceptable. boundaries i guess. every day is a battle for them, its so hard stopping this evil drug. but what’s the alternative? i pray every day there gets the strength to get through it. sending you hugs and prayers, lx ❤ i’ve been reading all your family coke problems, i wondered if anyone could answer for me, my ex! yep we split up over coke, we’ll he said he is sitting himself, we have been seeing each other as friends, problem is he is so different, quiet, withdrawn, he was always the life and soul of the party! he is completely different, i just feel sad every time i see him. obviously during our split he’s slept with other girls, 1 of them is 20 years younger, perfect for an older man. i wanted to know all the girls he’s been with are on coke, is that what makes them like them cause they do coke? is it better for them having someone else on their high?? all new to me, so confused and soo sad! was together 26 years!!! any advice please!!! hi bella, and welcome 🙂 once someone who uses coke becomes addicted, you need to think of cocaine as being in charge. that person’s whole life becomes consumed with getting it, being on it, and largely trying to hide it too. i’ve been with my husband for 16 years, married for 12, and he’s cheated, sometimes with a younger woman, but also one the same age as me, but always when high, and those other women either used or were happy for him to be doing so, whereas i wasn’t. frankly it doesnt say a lot for their own moral standards, especially as they knew he was married with a then very small child. one of them even tried to tell me that they were just friends as he needed someone to talk to!! what? about his wife who wont allow him to use cocaine! your partners brain is now wired differently, and yes, he’s sad now, but in time his brain will start to function normally again. it depends what you want, i forgave my husband because i knew deep down that all his faults and f**k ups were down to coke. i hate it with a passion now, and i really wish there was more education about this awful drug because it is glamourised, and its far from that! take care of yourself xx my partner of 13 years has been acting odd and he gas lighted me as i worked out he was having an affair. but i know there is something else going on…i now think cocaine. all the signs and symptoms are there. well he’s just left me, our new home and has literally shut me out and blocked me on everything. shown no remorse or anything. this new girl i strongly believe is having a major influence on him and controlling his every move so i wonder if she is also on cocaine for him to do what he’s done as he’s very anti cheating and has lived a double life for a few months. his behaviour and attitude is so out of character. i’ve never seen him like this in all the years we’ve been together. it’s like a monster has possessed him. i always wondered if he had a mental condition and if he’s either had a breakdown as well as doing cocaine to make him do all the things he is doing. hi jopack from what you say it is definitely possible that your partner has some kind of substance use disorder, but this does not necessarily indicate cocaine addiction. the dark wee and yellowed eyes seem more like an alcohol related issue to me as it’s liver problems and severe dehydration which would cause that sort of symptom. if you get the drug test strips of amazon the next time he leaves it in the toilet you could dip to get a result. the ones we had showed thc (cannabis), opioids and cocaine. i take it you’ve asked him straight out and he’s presumably denied it? could you insist he does a drug test? i am sorry to read your story and feel great sympathy that your dreams are falling apart in front of your face. it’s a horrible, sickening feeling. do you have anyone in your family or his that you can talk to/get support? i think my husband had somewhat of a breakdown over work which caused him to slip into addiction but it was a very gradual worsening situation snd didn’t just happen overnight. it’s no excuse either and cocaine didn’t make him be an a****le, he was being one already and the drugs made him think temporarily he felt better, but at the same time much worse … it’s complicated!!!!! cocaine doesn’t make you do anything, it’s up to them to admit the problem and get help. addiction is not a choice but recovery is! good luck as cocaine/ alcohol/ gambling/ mental health issues can take a huge toll on us in life and you sound as if you’re having a nightmare. keep us posted if you feel up to it x sorting himself hi bella, welcome to our conversation and i’m sorry you too have found yourself in this horrible corner. it sounds as if he’s spending time with other users because he knows he can be more open about his drug use…. they may well be addicts or teetering on the brink of addiction themselves.. if you’re anything like me you will disapprove of their drug use and so they will hide it from us. unfortunately these drugs do change their personality when they are constantly using them. i’m sorry that after 26 years you are going through this. we have been together 18 years and it was the worst shock i’ve ever had discovering what my husband had been doing behind my back. x is the sadness from the comedown or because what he’s done, he’s still won’t talk to me about it, it’s really frustrating! i found out he’d been using coke behind my back for 2 years and had no idea!!! am i thick or what?? i think i trusted him and never thought he would do that, may i add he’s insulin dependent diabetic also, which makes my blood boil, that he could do something so stupid as come on top of his diabetes!!! he’s last message read i will never hurt you again!!! so sad, i feel so low and depressed with it all, doesn’t help that i’m bipolar myself, but it’s never caused a problem except when i was initially diagnosed. ???? hi bella you are definitely not thick, he didn’t want you to know what he was doing  they are very sly about using this drug. lots of us thought there was something wrong with our loved ones and didn’t even imagine they’d be doing what they turned out to be doing. my husband used behind my back for 2.5 years and when i found out i was completely and utterly shocked. a lot of things suddenly made sense though   mood swings, avoiding me and sleeping late etc. it really did knock me for six though. i had a bit of a breakdown and have since been diagnosed with ptsd. i was on sleeping tablets and anti depressants for a few months but now almost one year on, i’m feeling a bit better. i have been doing talking therapy too, which helps. are you coping okay? also is your husband managing to stop or donyou think he might need extra support? cocaine is a very difficult drug to quit. we’re all here in more or less the same boat so feel free to come on and ask us anything or even just vent. xx he was using coke 2 years behind my back, i didn’t have a clue, was i stupid or what, i think it boils down to trust and never thought he would do something so stupid as that, i didn’t mention before that he’s also insulin dependent diabetic, i always tried to take care of that with his diet too, and there he is abusing his diabetes with coke! i’m so sad and angry, and depressed also! is the sadness because he’s coming of the coke, or because of the things he’s done whilst using? he won’t talk about it which is so frustrating, i think i’m owed that at least ???? he is likely in a spiral of self loathing and depression, but he can get out of it. the best way to approach it is calmly and in an understanding way. as much as you want to shake him and shout and scream, don’t bother, it wont go in. the sadness is probably the guilt and also coming off it, its a pretty crap mental state to be in. if you think he can stop and you still want to be with him then you have to support him, and not keep dragging up his behaviour, because he can’t do anything about that now, all he can do is be a better person again, free of coke and to start living. he is probably also thinking about all the money he has wasted, its not a cheap addiction to have. i dont know how coke affects diabetics. my husband was using coke and vallium to come down in a pointless effort to hide it from me, so he had two addictions to work on. it was a crappy few months, but he did it, and its like living with a different person now. i don’t bring up the past now, was initially when i first found out, was so angry and hurt that he was sneakily doing it behind my back! i love him so much and can only dream things will work out for us! i’m so happy for your end result, you must be so happy, and we’ll done too him too, by reading about cocaine i understand it’s such an addictive drug to get off! ❤️ how long ago did you find out? its like your world has crashed around you isnt it. one saving grace is that as soon as you found out he’s made a commitment to you, many people (including me) live on a rollercoaster for years not really knowing what the problem is, then knowing and trying to fix it, then thinking you are going mad because he’s changed and you dont want to believe he’s back on it, but deep down you know. it is highly addictive, moreso psychologically addictive than what i would think were the worst drugs like heroin or meth. coke is a sly drug, people can use it every now and then and carry on with life, never doing it one day and not being an addict, but for others, they cross the wall to addiction. i suppose its like being a social drinker, then an alcoholic, not everyone that drinks alcohol becomes an alcoholic, in the same way that not everyone who uses coke becomes addicted. but sadly i hear about it happening more and more these days. 🙁 my husband is 2 years clean now, of alcohol and cocaine, he’s doing amazing. i’m sure theres a niggle saying i could do it one night and i’d be ok…. but he wouldn’t. once you’ve crossed the wall and become an addict, you’ll never go back to being able to do it once a year. xx bella   there is a youtube video that redfox put up called ‘why can’t an addict stop using by cornerstone of recovery’. i found it really helpful to understand addiction a bit more than i know. x faithnotfear thank you i really appreciate it and yes debbieg2020 i have watched the youtube video i’ve been reading through all the messages on here and saw someone put it up to watch, very interesting watch! ???? i’ve just been catching up on all the posts . @debbie i’m so sorry your going through a very tough time. and bella you are not thick . we have all gone through the times when we think we are the problem as we are told we are only to find they have abused drugs. i’ve lived through hell for only maybe 5 years but it’s been absolute awful. my husband has been coke clean since 27th aug 21 smoke free for 6 weeks and no alcohol free 3 days . its on step at a time. he’s now so much nicer and he’s back to bring the man i love . i do sti think and have nightmares it will return but for now he’s doing well x if you think there’s hope grab it i’ve just been catching up on all the posts . @debbie i’m so sorry your going through a very tough time. and bella you are not thick . we have all gone through the times when we think we are the problem as we are told we are only to find they have abused drugs. i’ve lived through hell for only maybe 5 years but it’s been absolute awful. my husband has been coke clean since 27th aug 21 smoke free for 6 weeks and no alcohol free 3 days . its on step at a time. he’s now so much nicer and he’s back to bring the man i love . i do sti think and have nightmares it will return but for now he’s doing well x if you think there’s hope grab it my husband has been taking cocaine behind my back and maybe before we even met (4 years ago). it finally came to a head as i had been testing his wee where he didn’t flush in the morning to avoid waking me since before christmas until now. 2 weeks ago tomorrow i told him i knew he had been taking it again despite promising me a few weeks before i started testing him that he would never do it again. at first when i told him he was really angry with me blaming me etc etc then the opposite of total remorse, hating himself etc then making an oath that he will never take it again. anyway in the last 2 weeks of him off cocaine he has been really sarcastic and nasty to me and then on monday blew up at me in a way that i had never experienced before in my life   so belittling, accusing me of faking an illness (that i had to go to hospital for)   i wouldn’t be so nasty even to someone i despised. my question is that is this normal behaviour as mostly i have read that the partners taking cocaine are nasty, moody etc etc xx hello. i would certainly say the behaviour you’re describing is what i experienced with my partner when he was using. i found he would belittle me and change in character especially if i called him out for his behaviour or if i noticed something suspicious. i also found my partner would smirk and goad me. it’s such a destructive drug. i’m having to try and work out who my partner actually is now yes but he is doing it probably worse now he has stopped using which i know he is doing as am testing him x i definitely found that my partner would get angry and be unpleasant when they started to go without it. maybe the effects of coming clean? hi ladies, i hope you are all okay. i’ve been reading the last few pages and wanted to say this… when i was at my worst, i was a disgusting partner, i never cheated, it’s not something i personally could ever do but the lies and the argumentative stuff was there. i would get so caught up in my own lies and the story i spun that when she questioned me, i would make out that she’s the bad person for not believing me, i’d manipulate any situation into her being to blame whilst all along it was completely fabricated. someone mentioned about how cocaine high jack’s the brain. and i wish there was a way for people who haven’t been addicts to experience what it’s like. imagine a tiny little creature was inside you and sat in your head like at the controls of an aeroplane. it’s your body it’s your mouth talking but what you are saying isn’t you, you say things that you never thought you where capable of, you call names you shout you become someone who if you met on the street you would consider vermin but somehow those things still come from your mouth. despite all of that i loved my partner more than anything and would die trying to give her everything she deserved when i was sober but then somehow when i was craving or when i was on it i turned into the most vile human being. i guess the purpose of this comment is to tell you that your partners still love you and the person you love is still in there somewhere so please do everything you can to help them on their journey to getting clean. stay strong but still know that there is a point where you may have to walk away but if your partners are anything like me, they want nothing more than to get clean and spend their days loving you in a world without addiction. it’s just the hardest thing in this world to do hi james   thank you so much for sharing your message. it was really insightfull. my husband who i love dearly sounds exactly like you were. sometimes i hear what he is saying to me and how he is acting and think if i was watching a film i would be shocked at how that man was behaving to his wife. were you also like this when you were coming off cocaine as he is almost worse or at his worse. it’s like he is so resentful to me for finding out again and him having to stop. it is so so good that you have managed to come off it. i will be there to support my husband. i don’t know the whole truth but i think he has been on it most of the time that we have been together on and off. he is also so in debt but again i don’t know how much. i’m praying for a good ending to all this x hi debbie, its hard to understand why he’s being like he is, but i would think that his little devil that wants him to use again is either goading him to spoil for a fight, that’ll be an excuse to use. or he’s simply struggling, so maybe his problem was worse than you thought? personally i don’t remember my husband being like that when he was coming off of it, but everyones experience will be different. when you say you’re testing him, were his tests still positive for a few days? my husbands were for about 2 weeks, but after a week the line was feinter, and feinter every day until it disappeared. i’m not suggesting he’s cheating the tests, but is that possible? x hi james, thank you for checking in & giving us your perspective of things to help us understand an ease our pain a little, it’s so insightful seeing it from the other side it really is. can i ask you said when sober you would do anything for your partner do you mean before your addiction or in between using? hi mate, thanks for your reply. to answer your question of did i mean i’d do anything for her before the using in general or in between using….. i guess (as bad as it sounds to me to admit) in between using…. the hard part to explain is that despite my drug use and the years or lies to her and the secrets and everything that came along with the addiction. i loved her with every part of my being. but i have to be honest and tell you that’s when “i” was in control of brain. its important to know that not every time we use is a crazy bender that lasts a week and causes a huge row. obviously we get away with hiding it for years mostly so alot of the times it would go like this….. i’d be at work, i’d be craving, i’d tell her a little white lie “i’m going to stay late tonight” but the truth was i’d leave early and go get something and sit in my car and use. i’d go home at say 10pm, tell her i’m sorry for working late and thank her for being understanding. i’d kiss her, cuddle her and look at her with the same love any man who didn’t have a dark secret looked at their partner. then there’s the more intense situations, like when i’d be questioned because i had slipped up and my lie didn’t make sense. i’d be so nasty, if call her names, i’d play the victim, i’d make out like she was wrong for not trusting me when all i’m doing is working hard to support her when in fact that wasn’t true as i wasn’t at work. that was the addict talking, i didn’t mean the things i said, i didn’t even acknowledge that i said them. and the addict part of me learnt to ignore all of that and do what ever i had to, to make sure i could satisfy my cravings. but none of it was to hurt her. when i wanted to use, it was like she was in the way. an obstacle i had to overcome. but the next day, all i would want to do is love her and treat her right. what’s sad about it is that i never seemed to feel any guilt. that’s probably because the addict part of me wouldn’t allow me to. but now i look back i am disgust by the way i treated her, she didn’t deserve any of it. i hope that kind of gives an insight in some way. feel free to ask me anything you want to know and i’ll try my best to answer x hi james, how are you doing? how’s your recovery going? hope it’s going well. thank you for your reply, so you didn’t feel differently towards her when in active addiction? i ask this as i feel how can someone still love someone the same but hurt them so bad, i also know this is the harsh reality of addiction. you say you never felt guilt, did you feel shame? my ex would apologise before he disappeared and say “sorry i f****d up again” is this normal he says as soon as he took the drug he knew he messed up and what the consequences would be? now he’s completely cut me off after a relapse before christmas hasn’t been in touch with me or the kids for 3 weeks now i think he’s lost he’s job but not in a good place. i’ve rescued him from rock bottom before and it hasn’t got me anywhere he’s got back on he’s feet than back to using. i have tried everything offering advice, support, trying to have talks about it he’s very defensive and shuts down just says i can do it myself, i think he has now learnt he can’t. did you have a rock bottom? x this is where i’m at with my husband same thing as you are with yours! he’s played me to think he’s sober over the past few weeks when i’m reality he’s been using and i caught him yesterday. i’m so hurt and torn and i tried the whole boundaries thing and he doesn’t respect those or go by them i’m lost and don’t know what else to do at this point. hey, it’s so hard isn’t it. especially if they don’t respect your boundaries, if they are serious then you may have to distance or cut him off as addict or not he needs to respect those. i really try and see them as two people and blame the addict for certain behaviours but of course that in no way makes it acceptable but i find it makes it easier to understand the behaviour, i find again this is what works with me as i have to deal with him due to having children together. hope this helps xx i sat down and talked with him calmly and tried to understand from his side and let him know the at i was here for him but idk if that even means anything to him really right now. he has been doing better but has been avoiding going to celebrate recovery like he agreed to do and said he needed. it’s like no matter how much i’m here for him i’m still the enemy and the outsider and idk what to do anymore i’m lost and just at the point where i want to give up cause i have been doing it over and over. i dealt with addiction with my brother for 12 years and now i’m doing it with my husband and i’m just tired. i have no one i can talk to just myself and i have my own mental issues from my situation now and my last relationship of 13 years that was full of abuse. what do i do? how do i deal with it. hi james, i came on here today because of feeling hurt and at a loss towards my husband. i have to say your words helped me. its so hard to live with an addict and at times it just hurts my brain   but what you say and how you write it makes sense. and although i know all that it was good to read it. the part where you said you didn’t feel guilty for what you said was interesting. it all is part of it. that an argument is never worth having and finding a way to deal with his behaviour that keeps everyone safe is truly the only answer. hi, james. hope that you are able to see this. i am in a very, eerily similar position and would love to chat. been reading this i kown its my husband and cocaine yes now try this tell him to get it give to you give him a little bit and thats it tell him he going get mad when you tell him no more {chasing} understand he get mad make sure you tell him thats whats going to happen and be there and tell him that all ok and now do his bit little by little less then less then see what happens so sorry to hear all your stories . but the fact of the matter is that you can’t help them and that’s the bottom line . they need months in rehab if they agree to go. then soon as they come out all the triggers are around them , also when they say they are going to the shop/store you won’t believe them . addicts don’t just destroy them selfs they destroy eveyone around them . theres a few people on here who have gotten away from cocaine but in reality there’s millions of people who havnt and it’s destroying there and loved one’s life as we speak . my advice is ask him to go to rehab . if he doesn’t want to go. then you walk away and build your own life until they are ready to admit they have a problem and get the help they need . theres no point in checking his phone , bank account , checking his cards and notes to see if you can catch him out ? do you think by catching him that will make him stop ? you will just send yourself crazy and h will be using again …. i just caught my husband red handed! i’m so frustrated he’s still lying! he makes me feel like such an awful person when he’s doing wrong….when does it end? how long does it take.. he talks as if it’s so easy to just give it all up but yet he’s still doing it. he’s already lost his job etc. idk what to do. i’m looking for a job so i can do what’s needs for my kids. the mental and emotional stuff this shit does to me is so exhausting. i’m trying so hard and i have been very understanding and trying to help him but yet he still hides it and is still lying. what give??? i have no one to talk to and getting to the point i’m just frustrated at this point i’ve just sat and read all these posts after my partner lied to me again on friday night about buying cocaine, even though i saw messages on his what’s app between him and his dealer. he’s currently sleeping on the sofa and i tried to discuss it with him this morning but was told to ‘shut up’. i’m at the point where i think i’m going to have to ask him to leave. we’ve been together 5 years, he told me not long after we met that he did it recreationally but over the years he’s become reliant on it. he continually lies, has stolen thousands of pounds from me (including when i was seriously ill in hospital after having our daughter) but won’t accept that he’s an addict. he holds down a job, and gets drug tested but because it’s offshore he just stops taking in time for going away. he once almost got caught out and he went sober for a while, but he just thinks he’s cleverer than the system. his brother and his mates all do cocaine, so i just can’t ever see an end to it. the last straw for me came on friday when he took our 4 yr old ‘to the shop’ where he met his dealer and then told her not to tell me. i can’t have her around that and risk social services getting involved. i know i need to leave him but i’m miles away from family and rely on him for childcare when he’s at home. not sure what the point is to my post, but hoping people here will understand as i can’t speak to my friends and family because of the shame. i don’t know that i want to end the relationship, because when it’s good, it’s really good, so if i tell people they won’t ever trust him again either. hi completely understand all you have written, maybe you could look at other options for childcare are they entitled to nursery hours, will they be going to school in september and after school clubs may be available. it is sad when you can’t rely on someone but you’ve got to make it work on your own, in this situation. it took me a long time to speak to my sister i was so scared to tell her but i think she had guessed something was up and it was just a case of resolving the mystery for her when i told her what his problem was, as your family and friends will have noticed things they just won’t know the cause of them.it was a relief for me when i told her and i don’t worry about what she will think as it’s me who has to live this life not her and to be honest i’m much more concerned what’s going on than what a person thinks of the situation or of him, it feels better to be able to talk to someone else about it. if you don’t want to end the relationship then you need to do everything else you can do to protect you and your child’s safety and finances. i also think when you say when it’s good it’s good that it’s not true as it’s always a case of worrying sick when/if they will do it again which taints anything nice. i also have one who thinks they are smarter than everyone else and the system, as the people who leach off him tell him the sun shines out of his bottom  anything to get him to spend his wages on coke for them both. personally i have found getting a camera doorbell reassuring to help my home feel safer, i know these people cannot come to or near my home without me knowing, you can’t stop what goes on away from your home which is why i would suggest alternative childcare options but you can at least keep your property feeling safe as for me this was an issue, i don’t mean stuff being stolen i mean not having that environment/the people they will be associating in or around my home hi, i’m a 27 year old husband and father of 3. i’m diagnosed with adhd but didn’t follow up with a evaluation when i became an adult so i can’t get my meds. i’ve been using cocaine cause it made me normal and my usually complaining wife said she loves the way i’ve been lately. usually i’m so lost and can’t find the motivation to do anything, yet i can’t sit still or focus on anything. this drug is powerful and has ahold of my soul. i finally got it together and made an appointment for tomorrow and hope i get the proper medication before this destroys my most precious thing, family. hi ps, thank you for sharing your story and recognising that this evil drug can ruin your life. i have read so much on the connection between adhd and addiction issues. its something to do with the dopamine levels in your brain. i hope you get the support and advice you need. take care and stay strong, lx ❤️ yes ma’am, up till this point i was just a heavy smoker and drank a ridiculous amount of monsters. i wouldn’t even take pills for pain. i was really anti drugs and now all i can think about is taking a bump of cocaine. the crazy thing is i don’t even get high from it. yep, my son is currently in early recovery. he has cocaine and alcohol addictions. he definitely has undiagnosed ocd, does everything 100%  gambling, smoking, drinking, drugs (probably sex too i imagine!) he reached out for support 2 years ago, when he was about to loose everything. he joined aa and ca groups, did the 12 steps program with a sponsor. the fellowship guys are so supportive. there are meetings 24/7 online , face to face etc. it’s a daily battle for him, but he says the meetings are his medicine. currently 9 mths clean thank god. read danman83 posts, or jamesb, they are in recovery offering support and advice too. stay strong, or this drug will consume you until you’re a shell of yourself. take care lx ❤️ hi thank you so much this is what i threaten him with and it shuts him up but lately i have been so close to actually phoning them hopefully he will see this post and possibly be able to help me with him i cannot do this anymore but i love him to bits and when his not on it his the most loving person 🙁 oh gosh x i can’t tell you what to do but i can tell you that i know how powerless and horrible and broken you must be feeling. do you have a friend or family member you can turn to as this position is very isolating and you need some real time support right now? remember you are not the cause of this, he has made a few bad decisions and now is completely snared in the addiction. you also can’t free him of it   he has to admit that he has a problem and want to get clean. this can be a long and difficult road for all involved. i never loved anyone the way i loved my husband, and i never felt anyone loved me the way he used to either. thinking of separating was like being punched in the chest, especially with kids involved. however when he was on the drugs i almost felt like we despised eachother. mine is now clean for 13 months, he tells me active addiction was absolute hell and i believe him, at the time he told himself he was doing no harm and it was just normal, with the clarity he now has he can see the terrible harm. he almost died on it alone downstairs and still carried on   justifying it all the way. mine was on it for 2.5 years and only he knew this. it all came out one day and he had a simple crossroads   get clean or lose everyone and everything. he made the right choice but not everyone does. if he goes back to it i’m taking the kids and going. no third chances. i hope it never comes to that but im always on guard. xx it’s horrible isn’t it is there any chance your husband could talk to him via email or anything to explain how he felt? he said to me last night he wants to come clean i don’t know wether to stay and believe it or up and go. my husband has too much on his plate already at the moment to be able to do that, plus on this forum we’re not meant to share personal details etc… but… i would 100% recommend you call cauk. there is obviously na and aa, but as my husband was using cocaine i went with ca. so the day it all came out i literally did not know what to do.. i went on nhs web page and somewhere in there i found the details for cocaine anonymous. i rang them straight away and spoke to a really nice, kind recovering addict who took the details and then rang me back a little while later. he then took a few more details and rang my husband. they took it from there. i made it clear to my husband he had to do the work and he did. he started meetings the next day. i’d say ca uk pretty much saved our lives. good luck x xx xxx oh my, this sounds so bloody familiar… and it only tends to escalate x our home was like a war zone … i can’t believe i lived like that too… ive been pushed, shoved, hit, dragged out of bed and had stuff thrown at me. there isn’t a room without walls or doors dented in, it’s supposed to be our dream home. however houses can be fixed but people can’t always. please take care of yourself x also… the shouting in the face thing is utterly horrendous… another classic … forehead to forehead… spit going all over you… utterly terrifying and awful x and you’re not a bad mum xxx you’re caught up in something that is not your fault and you have no more power over this than he has over his addiction. you’re a good mum and a caring person just trying to do your best in an impossible situation. x thank you so much it’s nice that i’m not the only person that’s feeling like this and it’s totally normal and i’m not the issue x unfortunately as i have discovered it’s very common x i’d urge you to think about leaving. i have stayed even though i didn’t want to and it’s only gotten progressively worse. i have been terrified to leave as he is very vindictive and the coke/crack has affected his brain so badly now that he doesn’t think rationally at all. the abuse i suffered during lockdown(s) when he was using and i couldn’t even get a break was extreme and has changed me for life. our child is now old enough that even if not for me, but for them, i have to leave. financially i also cannot carry on like this anymore as he has gotten us into so much debt, we are currently sinking. it will only get worse with the food price and energy price increases. sometimes we don’t even have money for food… and that’s before these increases. i have been waiting to be rehoused since last summer. hopefully i won’t have to wait much longer. like one of the other posters said   our home is like a war zone too… marked walls, dents, broken furniture, broken items of mine, much of my clothing has been ripped by him grabbing at it or trying to rip it off me on purpose, phones smashed… he’s even broken toys and tipped books belonging to our child on purpose during his rages. i don’t want any new items in the property as they will eventually just become broken and its heartbreaking, especially things of mine that held sentimental value. it is also embarrassing as how do you explain why all these things are busted. i rarely have anyone in the property these days. you will get this at ca and they can become a sponsor to your husband too so if he feels he wants to take it again he can phone them   they are so supportive x hi debbie, i was only thinking about your situation earlier… and i’m so pleased to hear things are going okay for you. they really can change if they want to and it sounds as if your husband wants the change as much as you do. x thank you so much   i’m sure we are not completely out of the woods yet but fingers crossed   he is being so kind to me now   i think he finally realised that he would lose me if all this carried on xx sometimes the truth gets through that addict shell and the person inside can get free, they are the lucky ones and so are we. i wish you both all the best x same to you but i’m sure like me you sometimes think it’s too good to be true and things will relapse but i have to think positive or it can eat you up xx always on guard. night and day! he won’t go to any meeting though that’s the problem xx xxx my husband accused me of all sorts, and put cameras front and back… we also had a tremendous row as i refused point blank to have them indoors. unfortunately it’s par for the course. as for telling a family member or friend… you’ve done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of. you need support. i never told anyone about his behaviour during the addiction period, but the day i found out i made him tell his family and i started telling mine. i’ve not told many as it hurts to tell people, but i needed at least a few people around me knowing what our family was facing. they were so much more understanding than i expected. i can’t help much more than i already have but i would say again, i recommend you try calling ca. it can’t do any harm, as it sounds like you’re in hell already. x i would suggest that he goes onto ca   cocaine anonymous and you can join a group chat where he would be able to understand and talk to people who have stopped taking cocaine   it is done online and he can just listen or participate. you can also go online when it is an open forum and talk to recovered addicts   they are really welcoming and i found it very helpful to see it from their point of view. your husband can go to as many zoom groups as he likes   i think they recommend 6 in total even if he joins different groups from all over the country and then finds the one he likes most and joins them weekly eventually. my husband was taking cocaine behind my back and for goodness knows how long. i bought some cocaine testing strips from amazon and secretly tested his urine that he left in loo to stop waking me in the mornings and it was positive for a long time until i told him that i knew   i really hope you sort it and find peace. i think my husband has stopped as he swore on oath that he wouldn’t take it again once i confronted him. i have secretly tested him still and it is negative but i never trust that he won’t take it again. i hope this helps x p.s. i forgot to say… we have cameras in all the rooms and the front and back… i have no privacy and feel invaded. can’t wait to get out. what a terrible time you’ve had/are having. it was me that said about the war zone. and lockdown was utter hell for me too. unfortunately i can identify only too well. i don’t think i’ll ever get over that period either. mine has stopped using drugs for 13 months, after he got caught by his business partner   between us we gave my husband one chance and he has turned his life around, but i know only too well how close i am to your life position. good luck on your escape x well the husband that i thought had stopped taking cocaine is no longer my husband. i really stupidly and naively thought he had stopped for good this time but i just discovered yesterday that it wasn’t the case and he has left basically because i said that if i found out again our marriage was over. we had been getting on so well recently that i really believed in him. i am devastated but know i can’t carry on my life feeling so down when ever i find out and each time i have believed that he would stop. oh no debbie, what absolutely awful news! i am very, very sorry indeed. i know that at the moment there will be almost nothing that can really console you   you are living my worst nightmare after all and i can imagine that you are in enormous pain right now ???? however… there are two things i would pick up on… firstly, never forget how incredibly brave and courageous you are for setting a clear, fair and reasonable boundary… and sticking to it. i have set this same line here and if it is crossed it’s the end for us too. it’s my worst fear that keeps me on edge night and day. secondly, whereas my husband had been actively using for 2.5 years, and always in secret knowing deep down he was doing something terrible.. your husband has had this habit for very many years and from what you’ve said has normalised the behaviour to the point where he sees no problem with it. that is one heck of a mindset to alter. maybe he found it harder than he expected. or maybe he didn’t really want to change at all. when my husband first came out with it all i think he was just saying what he thought we wanted to hear, to get us off his back and then go back it. there was a lot of contradictory rubbish coming out of his mouth for the first few weeks. eventually the spell was broken for him at least. anyway debbie, i’m so sorry for the developments and know this we’re all here for you and for the grace of god a few of us are spared your pain but many more are in your same horrible position. massive hugs and i hope your family can support you in the gentlest and loving way while you come through hell xxx thank you and at the moment i really feel i literally am going through hell. one of the things i find most difficult to understand is that he cared more about cocaine than me as he knew that it would be the end for us if i found out again. i guess that is addiction although as you say he wouldn’t admit that. he comes from a good family and yet his older brother is also a cocaine addict and alcoholic and lives at home with his mum where my husband will be also. his brother has been 4 years of it but cost him his marriage also. i asked him to do a urine test and he thought he would get away with putting water in the pot and also had been taking to going for a wee downstairs which he never did before as he knew that the previous time that i had been testing his wee in the morning. i was suspicious about this but tried to think no he wouldn’t do it again but how wrong was i. i pray that i will be able to get through this nightmare and come out the other side with relief but i think it will take a long time as generally we got on so well and i believed he was my soulmate. thank you again   it really helps to see someone else’s aspect on things x ah that’s okay, i couldn’t read your update and not say anything x it sounds like he has all the typical devious habits of those who want to protect their addiction. it’s a form of madness where they throw away true love and companionship for this isolating drug (don’t forget many pick it ahead of their own children and therefore it is not a sleight against you personally) in time the sun will shine again for you one day and although you may struggle to find a real closure from this hopefully you will at least be able to come to terms with it all and regain some peace of mind. i pity his mother in this… stuck at her probable senior age enabling her sons’ bad behaviour … i wonder if she internally despairs or whether she is in as much denial as those in active addiction. look after yourself x its not about them caring more about coke than their loved ones. so don’t put yourself down on that one. think of it like having a little devil on your shoulder 24/7 telling you to do it, ‘one more line, you’ll get away with it, she won’t notice, you want me, you know you do’ thats how my husband described it to me. coke takes over your brain, it is more psychologically addictive than heroin, people who start using it for a bit of fun, have no idea what it could lead to. never think that you weren’t enough, its not about that, its about the power coke has on an addict x thank you and also faithnotfear for your replies. he has rung me and i don’t know what to do as i didn’t answer   any ideas. i’m not sure whether it will be about his stuff he still has here, his dog or us. i’m scared to ring him back x crikey! i would be inclined to beg someone else to field the calls… obviously it’s your call but you’re so vulnerable right now it will be very difficult talking to him about anything. maybe he will be calling to make new promises and promise the earth? maybe this time he has faced up to facts? maybe he’s going to have a go at you and blame you? can you ask him to just text you? good luck xx just wondering how your husband stopped his addiction. did he actually go into rehab or did he just go to meetings. i still have had no contact with my husband but if we ever did talk i wouldn’t contemplate returning to our marriage unless he was off drugs. every time before he has said he would stop but didn’t actually go anywhere to sort himself out. he just did it himself and obviously this hasn’t worked. i didn’t realise that he was actually as addicted as he is and just thought he was an occasional user but i was so wrong x hi debbie, i know you replied to faith, but thought i’d chip in too if that’s ok. my husband stopped on his own, he didn’t go to any groups or anything. he has totally changed his friendship group and the ones that still do coke that he’s still in touch with know that he’s not in that place anymore and respect him enough to either distance him, or only see him when they’re sober etc. x he’s clean since december 2019, praying it stays that way too. with every bone in my body xx that’s great   did he not even go to online meetings? like ca. did he find it hard? and how did you help him. was he a heavy user? sorry about all the questions x hi ladies, i didn’t get time to reply yesterday as been getting organised for a little holiday… our first family trip abroad ever! when it comes to these addiction stories every addict has his own tale to tell, yet they’re all broadly very similar…. in that they end up prioritising the drugs above everything else in life as the brain’s circuits effectively rewire to make them believe that no enjoyment can beat the high of the drug and it leads them to prioritise the drug above everything else including base life living. cocaine in particular seems to be so insidious because it’s more of a mental addiction than a physical one.. for example… alcohol dependant people and heroin addicts will get physical pains as soon as withdrawal occurs.. but with a lot of cocaine users they seem to be psychologically dependent … they use in binges at the weekend, or not necessarily every day. i think this particular drug is harder to spot too, if you aren’t expecting to see it, since they are not doped out and therefore more ability to be covert in their usage. so i would say debbie that your husband is very much psychologically dependant on this drug. like my husband did, he sees it as an easy fix to escape from reality for a bit. my husband tells me that no matter what shit had happened that day, whatever the worries he had… a couple of hits from the drugs and he no longer cared. escapism basically. unfortunately, what he couldn’t see at the time was that most of the problems he was trying to escape from by using the drugs, were actually caused by the drugs. in fact… after 2.5 years of this gradually more problematic behaviour he had accepted taking drugs around the house, even around the kids, in his car, at work as perfectly normal. despite never being able to sleep, nose bleeds, thinking he was going to die, living with the guilt… all just part of his life now. i tell you all this to highlight how ingrained this crazy behaviour becomes! unfortunately active addicts by nature are generally dishonest liars. they lie to the people around them a lot, but most lies they tell are to themselves. this is how they keep the addiction going. they tell themselves they are not addicts, it’s just a little treat they need just for them, they tell themselves that they’re not hurting anyone, or doing any harm, they pretend they can stop whenever they want to .. but just not today! my husband was stuck after 2.5 years… can you imagine how deeply ingrained this behaviour must be in your husband debbie? deep down inside his brain is a voice telling him that what he’s doing is wrong and he is hurting himself and you, and will lose you. but the louder voice of this psychological addiction is saying .. go on .. just a bit more… she’s just a nag. you deserve it! what’s the harm!? when my husband got caught out it was like a slap in his face that disturbed the addict equilibrium. he had to make the brutal choice. get clean or lose everything.. job. business, house, family, marriage…end up on the streets and dead in a few months! if i’m 100% honest i think at first he was just talking the talk amd hoped it would all blow over so he could get back on with it. he had already accepted his fate way back in the addiction that when it inevitably came out that all the cards would fall. like you debbie i won’t tolerate him on drugs and like you are being so strong, you expect him to take responsibility for dealing with the problem. i put my husband in touch with ca and they helped save his life. he tells me now he probably wouldn’t have stopped if we hadn’t all basically ganged up on him. he went to several meetings a week for a long time. it took many months for his active addiction fog to clear so he could see how utterly despicably he has behaved to me, the kids and his business partner. we had him cornered, if you like! truthfully, addicts can stop without the ca/meetings. ash is testament to the fact that she has bravely supported her husband through this process. but the honest and horrible truth is that they have to be willing. they have to want to change. or they won’t manage. it’s so difficult and hard and brutal. doing the 12 steps did my husband a world of good. many addicts have huge personality issues which are often what leads them into their addiction states. he found out exactly what he needs to change about himself to be a better person. he is a work in progress though. his behaviour can relapse. if his behaviour slips down too far, i think he could relapse. anyway, that’s enough about me… i hope my ramblings don’t irritate too much and i send lots of love to all of us stuck in these difficult circles x ???? by the way..i don’t really know too much about rehab. i expect it’s expensive as the nhs is unlikely to be able to help. and again the addict needs to be willing! hi that was so insightful and to see it from your husband’s point of view and i feel that my husband is exactly where yours was. i think that the best thing for me to do at the moment is nothing and if he wants to contact me then we have a conversation about him going to meetings etc and that i can’t take him back unless he really wants to stop and mean it as i can’t keep putting myself through this heartbreak as it is killing me. he won’t tell his mum who he is now living with even though he has said he would but i think that was to stop me telling her. he said one time that it would break her heart to have 2 sons in the same situation. i personally think she needs to know to help him and to make him face up to the situation of breaking our marriage as she will think that it has something to do with me why we have split from when i left them in france as his behaviour was so bad that i couldn’t take anymore from him. she was furious with me and hasn’t spoken to me since. do you think i should eventually tell her xx aw no problem, much as i hate the fact that all this knowledge i didn’t want to have was dumped on me, it helps me come to terms with it all myself when i read it back.. i still can’t really believe i’m here in this situation tbh, but am glad to be of help to others in any way at all x i do see a lot of similarity with our husbands bad habits. in your position in some very painful ways it sounds as if you’ve had a lucky escape from this hell, you’re financially independent, have your own home and grown up kids. i know it’s absolutely heartbreaking as you love the man dearly, but you’ve got that boundary and you know you’ve got to stick to it for your own sanity. if he wants to earn his place back with you then he needs to get provably clean. maybe daily drug tests you supervise and/or meetings. he swore that oath before so there is a part of him that wants the relationship. but you can’t compete with the drug as you are not hijacking his brain functions! i don’t know about his mum.. tough call really… he definitely shouldn’t be deceiving her, yet i’m not sure it’s our place to tell the addict’s people…. but… at that sane time it’s also not our secret to keep. why should we hurt ourselves by not telling the truth about our own lives? we’ve done nothing wrong!! i made my husband tell his family, partly because of our kids/their grandkids welfare is their business but also so they knew what we faced and could be one more little anchor to his recovery. i have not told a lot of people but all my close family are aware, because i couldn’t suffer this alone without their support. plus a few good, dear friends. i don’t want the world to know, partly because i feel some shame of this situation… wrong i know… i’ve nothing to feel ashamed about, yet i bet a lot of us feel that lurking shame too. xx faith has some excellent advice here, its refreshing to read we are all in a very similar boat, even though its very sad. my husband would never tell his parents, and if i had told them he would have probably done something stupid. i never told my parents either, mainly because my dad had a dim view of him already, because he could see how absent he was, and i spent so long making excuses and covering up. my dad would wonder why i was mowing the grass at 9 months pregnant, why i had to get him to put curtain poles up, why wasnt my husband doing these things   because his head was buried in avoiding me because he wanted to do coke! and i thought that one i had told them, i could never untell them, and if my husband did sort himself out then how would that work, because they would never be able to look at him the same way. i had a couple of close friends who knew it all, but thats it. and i think even they got fed up because they felt helpless and i didnt really listen to what they advised, because they didn’t really understand what i was living in. until you’ve lived it, you have no idea. sending love x i must admit i couldn’t face telling my mum as i was in a terrible state, i told my brother and asked him to talk to her… she’s completely anti drugs… but as it turns out she’s even more anti me… my brother and i have all but completely cut ties with her over the last year.. not directly because of my husband’s addiction issues, but indirectly he caused the catalyst that forced me to confront all my demons once and for all ..but that’s a whole other story lol ☺ my entire life has lurched from one disaster to the next… by all accounts i should be hiding in the cupboard escaping reality but instead, as always i’m the sweeping up crew!!! ☺ oh debbie, i’m so sad, why can’t they all just wake up and realise there is so much more to life than being a slave to this drug, because that is what they are. aside from the devastation they reek for their nearest and dearest, they are fooling themselves that this is a good path to travel along. you have done more than many in your position, followed through with an ultimatum. you should be proud of that. go and live your life, be happy, don’t look back, you can’t say you didn’t try. sending huge love x if your husband is anything like mine was, he was pretty clever, and wouldn’t text very much, because he didnt want anything in ‘writing’ or would text nicely, and be a d1ck on the phone. you are vulnerable debbie, like faithnotfear says, can you have someone with you when he calls that knows what you are going through? xx . sorry   it posted 3x!! hi debbie, no he didnt attend any meetings, hes not really very good at talking or listening in fact! no online meetings. he said it was very hard for the first few months, then hard for a few more months, he started to see what life was like without it having a hold of him, he was either thinking about doing it, getting it, hanging around with like minded people who were not true friends, doing it, or recovering from doing it…. or thats how it felt! he was using most days at work and in the evening if he was out, and he would often find a reason to be out trust me! i don’t know how much, mostly not huge volumes, but then some nights it was more i guess. he hasnt drunk alcohol since he stopped, its a trigger, lowers his guard, and generally the two went hand in hand. lockdown helped him stop partly. he has a hole in his septum, and i think thats what made him stop really, because he could afford it, and thats also why he had a lot of hangers on around him. what extent do you think your husband’s problem is? xx i really don’t know how much he is using it but i do know that since i met him 4 years ago i have caught him out about 8 times and each time he promised that he would stop and the last time he swore on his oath but each time he started again and i don’t know if he actually ever stopped. i don’t know if he uses all the time or it is just occasionally. i don’t think he takes it with anyone or hangs around anyone who takes it. he just seems to do it on his own. he wouldn’t talk to me about it. i don’t know if i’ve been married to a lie and i don’t know which one i’m in love with   either him on coke or him not on coke. i just don’t know what to do   i so desperately want to see him but i don’t want a husband who is addicted to coke as we have split 3 times now because of it xx hi thank you both so much for your support   it means a lot and is so helpful to be talking to people who have been there not like my family and close friends who all say i should run for the hills and never look back but it’s so hard when you love someone and want to help them but at the moment i haven’t the choice as he left without wanting to talk because he was so ashamed. i think as time goes on i will start to think things more clearly but at the moment all i want is to see him and try to get him to lay all his cards on the table with no more lies. i just don’t trust him though at the moment. and i wonder whether i could get to trusting him again and to believe what he says. like you faithnotfear my life has lurched from one disaster to the next all i want in my life is peace now. xx hi thank you both so much for your support   it means a lot and is so helpful to be talking to people who have been there not like my family and close friends who all say i should run for the hills and never look back but it’s so hard when you love someone and want to help them but at the moment i haven’t the choice as he left without wanting to talk because he was so ashamed. i think as time goes on i will start to think things more clearly but at the moment all i want is to see him and try to get him to lay all his cards on the table with no more lies. i just don’t trust him though at the moment. and i wonder whether i could get to trusting him again and to believe what he says. like you faithnotfear my life has lurched from one disaster to the next all i want in my life is peace now. xx hi debbie, unfortunately unless you are living it, you have no idea. you can’t forget the man you fell in love with, thats a personal feeling, and everyone else won’t feel that, so whilst they are thinking rationally and logically, its not their life. i would hang on to the good times. its like a child who has an absent parent, and they hang off every small moment they have with that person because they’re often apart from them. its not the same, but its the analogy i used to think about. because if any of my friends were going through what i was, then i’d be telling them the same as they’re telling us right. all they see is the pain you are in, and their answer is simple. except its far from that. i’m slowly rebuilding my trust with my husband in my own head. its taken a while, but i can see i have the man i love back again, and cocaine is like the ‘other woman’, the enemy in this story. have you heard from your husband? i know he’s ashamed, but only he can fix this, and you can support him, if thats what you want then you can offer that, with boundaries. xx hi it’s so good and helpful to speak with you both. i really appreciate it and yes i would be offering the same advice if any friends were going through this but like you say they’re not living in it. i haven’t heard from him as such but we are both on strava and he has sent me heart symbols when i uploaded a cycle ride. so i guess he is thinking of me even though he made it absolutely clear that he couldn’t come back as all he had bought to me was heartache and misery. also we were supposed to be going on a trip of a lifetime to africa for 3 weeks at the beginning of july and the balance is due beginning of may so i don’t know whether to hope that we may still go or cancel it. so depressing or maybe suggest we still go. one thing though is you both say that you have the person back that you loved but i really don’t know if he’s been on it since we met so perhaps i don’t even know the real him as we have only been together for 4 years x hi   a little bit of a breakthrough in that we are going to talk. i was just wondering if you have any advice about how to go about this conversation. i have a feeling that he is not going to admit he has an addiction. he says he can’t be continually thrown out of where he is living even though he left and feel that he may play the martyr although i do know that he is very very sorry for letting me down again. i don’t want to accuse him of having an addiction but all my friends that know say that unless he gets help then i mustn’t take him back. i feel that if i take him back he is going to let me down again but i desperately want to take him back   so difficult so any advice in any way would be so helpful as you have been so far x hi debbie, i think you need to steer the conversation towards concern rather than accusing, he can play it down all he likes, the fact is that if he has to hide something from you then he shouldn’t be doing it right? he may not have a massive addiction problem, he may not be doing it every day, but it’s a problem for you, and you are married, therefore he has a problem. if you can explain why is upsets you, the money, the hiding, the lies, the health concerns, the distance it’s creating between you two, he must respect your personal point of view. i felt like i was single most of the time, the connection breaks, i don’t know if you feel the same? stay strong, stay safe, tell him how much you want to save this, you’ll support him, allow him to take back control of his life etc. good luck xx hi ash. thank you so much   that advice is great as wasn’t sure how to tackle the addiction question but if i put it like you said then it makes sense. i’ll let you know how it goes as he is back to talk this weekend. xx good luck sweetheart. i don’t know if he has mental health issues, but my husband does and we went to the doctors, he was honest with him, i supported him with that, it helps if the doctor is specialised in mental health, he saw two others before he found one that he could actually talk to. it may be worth suggesting if that’s the root cause to needing to use coke. the problem with cocaine is that people don’t appreciate how it reels you in. it starts off as a bit of fun, then one day you need it to feel normal, it doesn’t even make you feel ‘good’ anymore and that’s when you’ve crossed the line into addiction. addicts are constantly chasing how it used to make them feel, and then they need more or more frequency… it’s a circle you just go round and round. it’s only when you stop and recover you can see what life is like without it. sending love x hi debbie, i posted a lot on this group last year and really appreciated all the advise from faith and ash. the sad news that i’m going to tell you is that recovery isn’t a given. this disease can be so toxic, it really does take over their brains. my now ex boyfriend was addicted to coke and alcohol. he admitted this to me last january and sought help with ca, aa and even attended a 3 month rehab, he managed to give up coke fairly successfully but he couldn’t stop drinking and lying about it. he used to be such a confident capable person, but addiction stole everything from him. he’s just a drunk now. i left him for the final time this january, even then he said he would get sober and win me back, but he hasn’t. all the love is still there, but it’s powerless against his addiction. i think he has had a lot of issues from his past thats always caused him anxiety and low self esteem and i think that’s what’s keeping him in addiction. i’m still grieving for the future that we had planned, but i have accepted that it’s never going to be possible. but i’ve told everyone that we know we’ve spilt up because of his drinking and you’d be surprised the amount of people that can relate to it, so definitely open up to your friends and family. most days i can completely enjoy myself and i’m greatful i can do and go wherever i want, without the stress of worrying what he’s up to! it got so bad at the end i was tracking his location (with his consent) and he was still getting away with loads! that’s no life for anyone. so my advise is if he does come back with promises, tread carefully and look for a real commitment to some sort of therapy. i know most of his group from the 3 month rehab have managed to stay sober. so there can be hope, it’s just not a given even if they want to change unfortunately. oh sal, im so sorry to hear things didn’t work out for you… addiction is such a cruel disease x i’m glad you got your life on track now and really appreciate your kind words … like i said before… we didn’t want this knowledge but if it can help anyone at all, that’s something to hold on to xx thank you   i will bear all your advice in mind and sorry that your situation didn’t work x hi debbie, a quick reply as im in spain, but didn’t want to ignore x i would agree with everything ash says above and even go as far as to say that in a way it doesn’t matter whether he thinks he is an addict or not… he might get very defensive if he feels cornered. what matters is that you do not wish to live the lifestyle of a cocaine user’s wife… if he wishes to continue using then he cannot keep the relationship.. simple enough to write here but not so easy when it is your life on the line x i would suggest that you wish him to get clean and therefore he must prove himself with regular drug tests in your presence. i would also suggest he might find it very hard to get clean and might well need help and support from a proper organisation… you are not responsible for his choices and it’s not fair for us addicts wives to shoulder any greater a burden than we already do. i would be cautious that he might say anything to get this situation sorted and you are at great risk of being manipulated… beware x one other thing i don’t know if ash would agree, but i bet she would…not trying to be a pessimist or ungrateful… but the sad truth is that we haven’t got our husbands back properly, or our relationships, or our futures.. we’re kind of stuck in this weird limbo place where we don’t really recognise ourselves or our husbands or our lives…always wondering if it will all come crashing down today… i have some trust in my husband of course… but honestly… i don’t even really trust myself anymore..my judgement has been completely and utterly undermined. i don’t trust anyone at all these days. i wish you the greatest luck snd strength and will be thinking of you xxx i wish debbie the best of luck, she’s armed with things to look out for, how to respond etc. fnf   i can totally relate. whilst i have my clean husband back, i’m damaged. i can’t forget what i lived through. i’m honestly far better off now that i was 3 years ago, that’s for sure. but the scars are still there, the worry about relapse is real, my brain is constantly thinking about how to avoid social gatherings. i often have family over for lunch, because i feel there’s less expectation to drink alcohol, everything i do i think/worry about it. i think it’s borderline ptsd, certain things trigger certain thoughts and i’m highly anxious. i would hope that because debbie hasn’t had to live through too many years of this, that she may not have the same long term effects? enjoy spain faith, and we’ll be thinking of you this weekend debbie xx thank you   all this is great advise and d day is starting on friday so will keep you all informed as to my next step. i worry that he isn’t going to tell me the truth with all the questions i have but as you both say go in non accusatory and hopefully i will get more out of him. i’m very scared though. on another note i went to see a solicitor about getting a post nuptial done and so that is yet another situation that has come about as a result of his addiction and i need to find out if he will sign it. hope you are having a fab time in spain, faithnotfear and thank you for taking time out to reply xxx i’m so sorry that you are living through these fears both of you. my worry is that perhaps i’ve only known my husband on coke. perhaps he has been on it the whole time and i have been deceived about who i am married too and that i don’t even know the person who hasn’t been on it. i am paranoid that he won’t tell me the truth and that he will be lying   i think that the lying to me is one of the big things as trust only comes with honesty and i don’t want to go through my life not trusting the person that i am married too as you will always be questioning if he is lying as i think it comes too easily to him. in an ideal world i think i would rather be with someone who has never taken drugs to the extent of possible addiction and who was equal with regards to finances. when i was giving the details to the solicitor yesterday with regards to the post nuptial i was thinking she must think i am such a fool (obviously didn’t tell her about the drugs) as i pay for everything and have basically without knowing been funding his drug habit and i have no idea how much in debt he is. i am feeling stronger since we have reconnected but also stronger in my thoughts about what i want. at the moment it is still him but i absolutely know that if it happens again i won’t be there as he has pushed me so so far   this must be about the 6th time he has promised he won’t do it again and each time he has let me down. he also has been going to loo downstairs for a while so i can’t test his wee and must think i am so stupid not to know that he was using again. but i just buried it under the carpet as i didn’t want another blow up but finally i couldn’t take it any longer and asked him if he had been taking it again and he very very easily lied and said ‘of course not   why would you think that’. anyway we will see what happens this weekend but as you say i need to be calm and non accusatory. xxx hi debbie, how did the meeting/talks go? just checking in to see if you are ok really x cocaine addiction is really very scary. in a state of drug intoxication, people commit criminal acts, get injured. prolonged episodes of use lead to the development of anxiety, restlessness, irritability. often there is a fear of death, a panic state develops with a rapid heartbeat, discomfort in the chest, a feeling of lack of air. when using medium and high doses of cocaine, the euphoria stage is replaced by dysphoria. anxiety, frustration, irritability, apathy, depression increase. you can always ask for help from specialists. hi ash i was totally hopeless and too nervous to bring up the conversation so we just had a nice weekend with no trauma. i know i have to have the conversation but i just wish he had started it. it was on my mind all weekend but didn’t want to spoil the good atmosphere as know he would have got defensive …. xx oh bless you, its the elephant in the room isnt it!! has he moved back? xx hi ash i was totally hopeless and too nervous to bring up the conversation so we just had a nice weekend with no trauma. i know i have to have the conversation but i just wish he had started it. it was on my mind all weekend but didn’t want to spoil the good atmosphere as know he would have got defensive …. xx well he stays at his mum’s tonight and tomorrow for easy commute to work and he was here all weekend and moved some of his stuff back in   do you think it’s something that can be done on the phone xx hi , i’ve quickly read some of the posts on this forum and they are not filling me with lots of hope. my story is , i have been with my partner for 8 years and we have 4 children together , he told me at the start about his drug past but it was his past ,so i never really questioned him about it .. we have a happy life however sometimes in the few years his been stressed his got angry and shouted some names occasionally at me , and once or twice thrown something at me but never hit me. but i could still tell his behaviour was not normal and his reactions to simple conversations were just ridiculous and out of control. i have always put it down to work stress , stress of raising young kids etc. however the last couple of years it been like living with jekyll and hyde never knowing which one is coming through the door ! again it never crossed my mind it was drugs .. until 4 days ago we were driving home from our holiday and he just lost it, broke up with me said his done, i’m disrespectful , accused me of mocking him and talking about him behind his back , the paranoid thoughts coming out of his mouth were unreal .. then that night when we got home he started accusing me of been unfaithful etc. i just said you need to go to the spare room ! he then came in admitted his been using cocaine , i’m in absolute and utter shock .. i feel sick i feel like i’m in some nightmare… he says his told me now because he wants to get better and wants to take the first steps and that ll he ll do anything i want . now i’m thinking lots and i remember time when we d be in the house and he d lock himself in the toilet and say his doing a poo and i had suspicions but never truly believed he d be doing drugs ! that was when our kids were in the house and he must of done it when alone with our kids like is this forgive able.. can he get clean ,?? or do i just leave now , i’ve said i’ll give him a chance .. but his lied to me soo much over the last number of years how will i know if he lies again … sorry this is a ramble i just have no one to talk too , if i told my family they d not understand and tell me leave straight away.. i see some of you have said get him to do regular urine tests , does this work ? at least i’d know if he was lying or not .. also have you gone to couples therapy or individual therapy etc ? … whoops… pressed send with my sausage fingers! was going to say it’s like living in an alternative reality and once you’ve seen it, you can’t go back to the old side.. i struggle hugely with my mental health as a direct result of this (ptsd and deep, deep depression and anxiety) however like i say… you can survive this and learn to smile again xxx hi kire, i can’t reply in full now but just wanted to send a massive hug and say you’re not alone. your situation sounds very similar to mine and if you look for stuff i’ve written you’ll see that there is hope of sorts. if he wants to get clean… i can’t recommend ca (cocaine anonymous uk) highly enough.. they will be glad to help. i know very much how you must be feeling right now… sick, frightened and deeply hurt.. it’s awful .. but you can get through.. it’s a long road… i think staying with them is possibly harder than just throwing in the towel, because you will have lots of conflicting polar opposite feelings… it is worth it to try though i feel, especially if you have kids/house/etc… but only in my view if they’re genuinely willing to change and make amends xxxx massive hugs to you and know this.. we are all with you and understand only too well this mightmare… its hi , i’ve quickly read some of the posts on this forum and they are not filling me with lots of hope. my story is , i have been with my partner for 8 years and we have 4 children together , he told me at the start about his drug past but it was his past ,so i never really questioned him about it .. we have a happy life however sometimes in the few years his been stressed his got angry and shouted some names occasionally at me , and once or twice thrown something at me but never hit me. but i could still tell his behaviour was not normal and his reactions to simple conversations were just ridiculous and out of control. i have always put it down to work stress , stress of raising young kids etc. however the last couple of years it been like living with jekyll and hyde never knowing which one is coming through the door ! again it never crossed my mind it was drugs .. until 4 days ago we were driving home from our holiday and he just lost it, broke up with me said his done, i’m disrespectful , accused me of mocking him and talking about him behind his back , the paranoid thoughts coming out of his mouth were unreal .. then that night when we got home he started accusing me of been unfaithful etc. i just said you need to go to the spare room ! he then came in admitted his been using cocaine , i’m in absolute and utter shock .. i feel sick i feel like i’m in some nightmare… he says his told me now because he wants to get better and wants to take the first steps and that ll he ll do anything i want . now i’m thinking lots and i remember time when we d be in the house and he d lock himself in the toilet which was weird so i had suspicions but never truly believed he d be doing drugs ! that was when our kids were in the house and he must of done it when alone with our kids like is this forgive able.. can he get clean ,?? or do i just leave now , i’ve said i’ll give him a chance .. but his lied to me soo much over the last number of years how will i know if he lies again … sorry this is a ramble i just have no one to talk too , if i told my family they d not understand and tell me leave straight away.. i see some of you have said get him to do regular urine tests , does this work ? at least i’d know if he was lying or not .. also have you gone to couples therapy or individual therapy etc ? hi kire, firstly welcome, and secondly sorry you are here. i’ve read your post, and the first thing that jumped out at me was the admission from him that he has a problem and that he wants to sort it. that is a massive step in the right direction. lots of people end up on here with partners in denial, or running away rather than face the problem. so you are in a good position. now, my husband didnt use ca or anything, but i can see how that would help a lot of people. lockdown helped in our situation, he changed his friendship group, he stopped drinking, he started seeing what life was like without being a slave to cocaine, getting it, hiding it, using it, recovering from it, it was a circle! if he isnt the sort of person who will go to ca to seek help, then he needs to be honest with you, all out in the open, everything warts and all. you can help him by not keeping on about it, but by starting to see the real man come back. he will likely need to change friends, and start to spend more time at home. keep him well fed with a good diet, sleep is important to recovery too. i did test my husband with his permission as he had nothing to hide every couple of days, it took about 2 weeks to get a negative test because he was using most days, so it had built up in his system. i echo what faith says though, this makes you a different person, i too am suffering with ptsd, anxiety etc. i dont really go out, actually, i do in the day, but nights i dont because thats when the problems were. its a psychological disaster! we are here to help however we can x just popped back to say absolutely that yes it can be done without ca/rehab etc… don’t mean to force it on you! it’s not for everyone .. i guess it’s a bit like marmite ☺ hi kire faith and ash have been incredibly helpful to me with their advice. i have just discovered my husband has been taking coke again   i think it is about the 6th time i’ve caught him and he has promised me that he wouldn’t do it again but he has never gone to a meeting so i would advise you and your husband to go   i have been to meetings but he doesn’t know about this yet   you can go to an open meeting if you are not the addict and they have also been really helpful to me. i was supposed to have the ‘big’ conversation last weekend but i chickened out as didn’t want to spoil the weekend with the talk which is crazy i know   hopefully it will happen this weekend. i have just been to hypnotherapy in order to become more confident and assertive and it was very surreal but has put me in a better frame of mind. i told the hypnotherapist everything. i had the absolute same as you in respect of a completely different person in my husband’s body. i so so hope that you both can sort it as i am trying at the moment and that we both become one of the success stories. keep in touch on here   it really helps x thanks everyone for the replies , there is a ca meeting on at the weekend i’ll say it to him later in the week , his also booked in for some assessment to see how to get better i think .. but his used since he was 17 , but as i said never really questioned it too much as i didn’t know him before he had got clean with a respectable job etc. so this is such a shock for me.. feel very naive now .. hoping it ll just go away ! like if he hadn’t told me i would of just thought he was going through a midlife crisis or turning into a grumpy angry man.. now i feel like i’m going to be watching him like a hawk . i’ve taken all his bank cards from him he requested me do to this , and blocked his dealer who he has disguise as a friend ! he even had a kid same age as my kid and he use to use them having a play date to get his drug i guess .. but then i find out his mum and brother knew this guy was his dealer 20 years ago and was never a mate , like hello why would they not mention this to me .. also he was getting drug from another old mate i’ve asked him not to see him again either to which he has said ok .. but he called him a mate how is he a mate if his giving him drugs knowing he has 4 young kids ! i’m hopeful atm but i’ll keep you all posted . whenever he talked about drugs in the past he would say they were fun and he had a great time , i did use to think why isn’t he saying they are awful things and they could ruin lives , now i know cause he was still using ! i worry for our kids with that sort of attitude .. christ have so much to talk about with him , don’t know where to start as i rather just bury my head in the sand … reading all these posts and every google article on cocaine addiction i’m learning alot i never knew , what an evil drug !!! so tonight my husband informed me that his boys are coming down this weekend and i was totally surprised as we hadn’t yet talked about things. anyway i mentioned that we hadn’t talked and perhaps we could have a few hours to talk about things at the weekend and then received a text from him to say basically that he couldn’t put his boys through anymore trauma and if there was going to be friction or worse and sorry but he couldn’t risk this occurring as they are part of him. firstly i was stunned that he had invited them down with everything that has happened and also that he thought it would be me that would be causing the problem. i replied to say that perhaps we should talk on thursday as he is working from home that day and that there would be no judgement on my part and that i just want to understand and help in any way i can. the reply was that i was being degrading and that he didn’t need any help basically implying that he doesn’t have a problem even though i have forgiven him at least 6 times where he has promised me he wouldn’t touch it again. i think i am in shock and really don’t know how or where to go from here. any advice?? xx hi debbie, i hope you are ok sweetheart   well i know you wont really be. i hate to say this, and please someone else chirp in! but i think he is in total denial, and he actually expects you to be ok with him lying about something like this. his reaction is deflection, instead of facing up to the issue, his response is to take himself away from you, to punish you and to put the blame back to you for daring to suggest you discuss anything! because you shouldn’t be telling him what to do or not do (in his eyes). its gaslighting, pure and simple   google it! i had it with mine, they punish you by deflecting their own screw ups! huge hugs x hi debbie, i hope you are ok , i agree with ash it sounds like his in total denial that he has an issue and i don’t think there is anything you can do or say at the moment that will change his mind, however i can’t give much advice as i’ve only known about my partners use since last week as i think he realised he was about to lose everything house me the kids everything .. so i’m taking this one day at a time and happy with his attitude about it at the moment but i know there’s still along road ahead . i’m not sure what i’d do if i had found out and he was in denial , wel i know the right thing to do would be to just pack us all up and leave . but that’s a lot easier said than done. i think back now how naive i was , he would stay up till 4/5am ‘watching movies’ and i remember been suspicious and creeping downstairs to catch him doing i don’t know what and sometimes he would be in the kitchen looking a bit shady and would say just getting some water or something like that and me would say ‘ok hun night’ ! i’m thinking maybe i’ve always known but i was in denial , christ the lies they tell to hide it, not sure when i’ll be able to properly trust him again now that i know ! hi debbie, i hope you are ok , i agree with ash it sounds like his in total denial that he has an issue and i don’t think there is anything you can do or say at the moment that will change his mind, however i can’t give much advice as i’ve only known about my partners use since last week as i think he realised he was about to lose everything house me the kids everything .. so i’m taking this one day at a time and happy with his attitude about it at the moment but i know there’s still along road ahead . i’m not sure what i’d do if i had found out and he was in denial , wel i know the right thing to do would be to just pack us all up and leave . but that’s a lot easier said than done. i think back now how naive i was , he would stay up till 4/5am ‘watching movies’ and i remember been suspicious and creeping downstairs to catch him doing i don’t know what and sometimes he would be in the kitchen looking a bit shady and would say just getting some water or something like that and me would say ‘ok hun night’ ! i’m thinking maybe i’ve always known but i was in denial , christ the lies they tell to hide it, not sure when i’ll be able to properly trust him again now that i know ! hi debbie, i hope you are ok , i agree with ash it sounds like his in total denial that he has an issue and i don’t think there is anything you can do or say at the moment that will change his mind, however i can’t give much advice as i’ve only known about my partners use since last week as i think he realised he was about to lose everything house me the kids everything .. so i’m taking this one day at a time and happy with his attitude about it at the moment but i know there’s still along road ahead . i’m not sure what i’d do if i had found out and he was in denial , wel i know the right thing to do would be to just pack us all up and leave . but that’s a lot easier said than done. i think back now how naive i was , he would stay up till 4/5am ‘watching movies’ and i remember been suspicious and creeping downstairs to catch him doing i don’t know what and sometimes he would be in the kitchen looking a bit shady and would say just getting some water or something like that and me would say ‘ok hun night’ ! i’m thinking maybe i’ve always known but i was in denial , christ the lies they tell to hide it, not sure when i’ll be able to properly trust him again now that i know ! hi debbie, i hope you are ok , i agree with ash it sounds like his in total denial that he has an issue and i don’t think there is anything you can do or say at the moment that will change his mind, however i can’t give much advice as i’ve only known about my partners use since last week as i think he realised he was about to lose everything house me the kids everything .. so i’m taking this one day at a time and happy with his attitude about it at the moment but i know there’s still along road ahead . i’m not sure what i’d do if i had found out and he was in denial , wel i know the right thing to do would be to just pack us all up and leave . but that’s a lot easier said than done. i think back now how naive i was , he would stay up till 4/5am ‘watching movies’ and i remember been suspicious and creeping downstairs to catch him doing i don’t know what and sometimes he would be in the kitchen looking a bit shady and would say just getting some water or something like that and me would say ‘ok hun night’ ! i’m thinking maybe i’ve always known but i was in denial , christ the lies they tell to hide it, not sure when i’ll be able to properly trust him again now that i know ! i don’t know how much more i can take of being punished for something i haven’t done. i agree he is in denial but how can i change his mind about this. i feel that if i say what i feel he will get angry with me and leave again. i am still stunned that he can blame me for not talking about it this weekend and not take any blame for not talking about it as it is surely both of us putting our heads in the sand. i really wish i had the strength to walk away. do you think i should put the ball in his court and say please can you tell me what has been going out honestly to avoid me asking lots of questions but even then i don’t think i will get the truth xx oh debbie, 🙁 its a tactic addicts use. i copied these from the net re gaslighting and addiction. ‘gaslighting is common in addiction because it allows the person to continue their behaviours without having constant resistance from loved ones. loved ones may not realise they are being gaslighted until later on, thus causing further strain and hurt in the relationship. the signs and symptoms of gaslighting may be gradual at first and become more apparent over time. if a person with a drug addiction may hide their pill bottles or sneak away to take drugs. they may make excuses for their actions. when you confront them, they might make you believe that you’re either overreacting or confused. as the gaslighting victim becomes more confused, they may unknowingly become more accepting of the addict’s behaviour. enabling an addict becomes easier when you’re convinced that they’re being honest about their behaviour, which can lead to even bigger problems.’ i don’t think he will tell you the cold hard truth, he will only ever admit to what you have evidence of. the little coke devil on his shoulder will be sat there saying ‘she wants us to break up, you need me, get out of this however you can, lie, create distance, make her think its all her fault that she’s pushing you away’ someone who is a recovering addict will know better than me what is going on in their head, i wish danman would join this thread, he’ll be a great help! i’ll find him on another chat and see if he can offer some assistance. keep smiling, dont let anyone dull your sparkle xx i know that’s one of the hardest thing to know if i will ever be able to trust him again as he has lied so easily and another thing that i find really hard is that he swore an oath to me that he wouldn’t take it again and yet just carried on. i also feel really used as i pay for everything and he lives in my house and never tells the truth to his mum or boys or anyone about the reason why we have split and no doubt they will all blame me. i’m beginning to wish i had never met him xx thank you ash. that’s what i think is going to happen too. like the way he has already twisted it round to being my fault for not talking last weekend and that now his boys are down this weekend which as i said i am shocked about as we haven’t resolved the situation. that it is my fault that i want to ruin the weekend with them by asking if we could talk for a couple of hours and that i didn’t talk last weekend as my daughter was here and i wasn’t prepared to ruin that weekend but i am prepared to ruin the weekend with his sons. i have absolutely no intention of causing friction when they are here and was going to approach the conversation in a non judgemental manner and yes i am almost at the point of enabling him for a quiet life but i just know i don’t want to be married to an addict. i am also worried that the longer i stay married to him the more claim he will have on my finances as he has nothing to give and he did mention the last time that we split that he would be entitled to something from me. i am worried too as he took coke with his older son when he was last here and stayed up until the early hours with him and he coming again this weekend. i so wish he would just tell me the whole truth about his habit and finances and get it all out in the open but i guess he is too embarrassed or as you say has this little devil on his shoulder xx omg debbie! he takes it with his son? i feel like bursting into tears on reading that…this is absolutely appalling ???? so in other words he is setting his own child up for a life of potential addiction and misery. that’s just awful. i appreciate the son may be an adult, but good god if i found my husband encouraging drugs with our kids i would probably dismember him!!! does the mother know… id even be inclined to discuss this with your husband’s mum at this point.. i’m actually fuming at man now and i never met him!!! i’m supposed to be going to the garden centre! look in all reason and fairness rhis bloke is being utterly sh1t to you, he’s so caught up the horrible, selfish and self centred world of addiction he can only see people around him as pawns to facilitate his habit. i think he is pretty much unreachable. i’m shocked but not shocked… using drugs with his son under your roof is a grotesque abuse on you in every single way. i’m so sorry and sad he put you there debbie, but he is really not a nice person at the moment. i think deep down you know this ???? sorry to be so blunt and so many gentle hugs to you xxx hiya debbie hope your ok. only just read the last few of these comments because there seems to be loads. i’m over month clean now from coke. and your going on about his lies ect.. that’s part and parcel of being a addict. sometimes we don’t even know we’re lying. then there are lies that are just pointless lies. he can give u so many reasons why he’s going to stop ect.. i did.. my 2nd kid was born.. gonna.stop.. 7 years later my boy was born.. gonna stop. never happens. we will never stop for anyone. the only thing that will stop us or help us if we have enough pain. meaning are rock bottom. and that’s it, i’ve had enough of this crap mentality. there are women in the c.a meetings all nice woman, and have had there kids took off them. we can’t stop for our kids. and this is the frightening thing about this drug. i had a few rock bottoms, 1 example i used in my house alone when kids were in bed and gf. litrally when my bag was empty and nothing left.. i was crying, it’s a horrible feeling, it sends u suicide and depressed for weeks. so i joined cocaine anonymous last year. i’ve had 3 month and 4 month and a few months here and there. but i’m now over 4 month and 10 days off my best clean time in 12 year. so in c. a you get a sponsor work the 12 steps, and you change your life around. one of the things is i cant lie.. lying leads to using. i cut old friends off for good. they are not real mates. i’ve got new mates now all clean and i trust. i lead a honest life. i work for the bank mon to fri.. but sundays i now do care work which is rewarding and helps me. i can’t drink anymore. i meditate. i’m a better dad. i feel so much happier now. i compare it to.. when your at school and not a worry in the world. that good feeling. i feel like that and i have my life back. but i am. not cured. i have to do this program the rest of my life. i can go into more detail if your husband wants to stop does he?? if he does not and its effecting you and your mental health, and financial health. do u really want to keep putting up with that.. hope this helps. feel free to ask me anything. just making my tea so it’s a bit rushed.. sorry . hi debbie, i dont think he has any intention of stopping, if he’s doing it with his son, then he sees no harm in it, and until he sees the harm he wont face it. you have done all you can to suggest you talk before his kids arrive, but he doesnt want to do that, they never want to talk, because he wants to carry on doing coke, and you dont want him to, there is no compromise to be had. its just about damage limitation, you need to protect yourself, if he’s not willing to deal with the elephant in the room, you shouldnt be expected to live with it either xx i know everything you say is true but how do i deal with it if i want to stay with him. i so wish i didn’t but we also do have some really good times together. its like i am addicted to him. he says he’s not addicted or at least doesn’t have a problem but that almost makes it worse as he said that he promised me he wouldn’t do it as he knew how i felt and that it would be the end of us but he did do it so he put coke first and me second.maybe he just knows that i will take him back and so doesn’t really care if i find out. he has also said that i will never mean as much to him as his sons do and he will always put them first which i kind of understand. when we had a 2 week separation recently he said it was his darkest and saddest days that he can remember and i asked him last night if he wanted our marriage to work and he said yes or why else would he move his stuff back in. i am now sitting here wondering what i have done wrong and why is he in a bad mood with me   its all so confusing and hurtful. i have never been in such a toxic relationship before. i spend most of my time wondering when we will next split up. how can that be a marriage. i don’t even know if we will make it to our honeymoon (which has been delayed 4 times since covid) and have to pay the balance next week. it’s all such a mess. if someone had told me i would be married to a coke addict who belittles me and casts me aside when his sons are here, lies through his teeth so easily and that i have zero trust in and doesn’t contribute anything to the cost of our living i would never have believed it. i was a very confident person and now am just a wreck xx i know everything you say is true but how do i deal with it if i want to stay with him. i so wish i didn’t but we also do have some really good times together. its like i am addicted to him. he says he’s not addicted or at least doesn’t have a problem but that almost makes it worse as he said that he promised me he wouldn’t do it as he knew how i felt and that it would be the end of us but he did do it so he put coke first and me second.maybe he just knows that i will take him back and so doesn’t really care if i find out. he has also said that i will never mean as much to him as his sons do and he will always put them first which i kind of understand. when we had a 2 week separation recently he said it was his darkest and saddest days that he can remember and i asked him last night if he wanted our marriage to work and he said yes or why else would he move his stuff back in. i am now sitting here wondering what i have done wrong and why is he in a bad mood with me   its all so confusing and hurtful. i have never been in such a toxic relationship before. i spend most of my time wondering when we will next split up. how can that be a marriage. i don’t even know if we will make it to our honeymoon (which has been delayed 4 times since covid) and have to pay the balance next week. it’s all such a mess. if someone had told me i would be married to a coke addict who belittles me and casts me aside when his sons are here, lies through his teeth so easily and that i have zero trust in and doesn’t contribute anything to the cost of our living i would never have believed it. i was a very confident person and now am just a wreck xx debbie, i’m sat here now thinking back and i’m being reminded of all the pain i went through, which you are now going through, i feel so sad, angry, upset and annoyed that yet again, someone else, someone kind, someone good, is having to deal with this crap hand they;ve been dealt, all because of cocaine. you spend all your time playing things over and over again in your head. you dont understand whats wrong with you, you blame yourself. don’t… stop doing that, none of this is your fault! its easy for me to say this now, but when you are where you are you can’t see a way out. i know you love him, but you need to love yourself, and you deserve to be happy in your life. harsh as it sounds, he is having his cake and eating it. there is such a thing as co dependency in relationships with addicts. there is a lady called amanda something, who wrote a book about it, which i read and now can’t find. i’m going to look for it because it may make more sense of what you are feeling x unfortunately if we could all say those magic words to break our addicts out of their stupors, we would…and a lot of addicts would beg us to say them. there is probably nothing you can say or do to make him change, as change comes from within. it’s not you who has the problem… and from all accounts you sound like a very nice, successful lady who is being dragged down. i can tell you this from my experience..firstly… no matter how hard i tried and the hoops id jump through to make my husband happy during his active addicts.. nothing… literally nothing.. made him happy. he’d just find some small thing to fire off about and then, as it turns out…sneak off and use. secondly..being in this type of manipulative, dishonest and confusing relationship takes its toll on everything you think you are. self esteem goes down the toilet. thirdly… during the worst part of his addiction i became suicidal… and he still couldn’t care less… he used it as an excuse to use. ash is right about the gaslighting they do xx the book is called hope street, by amanda andruzzi x totally agree with what faith has said with her 3 points, and i can even relate to the third too, i too was suicidal because i could not see any way out. i ended up in hospital after a feeble attempt at an overdose, and while i was led on the lounge carpet, he was snorting cocaine in the kitchen, and saying ‘what did you do that for, you’ve f**ked it now’ until he is ready to sort himself out, there is nothing you can do. xx good lord that’s stark x i’m so sad to read that ash. i’m so glad you made it through and things did eventually improve. they are basically inhuman on this drug, it’s almost impossible to believe unless you’ve been on the inside, as we all are. they are all but the living dead. debbie, you have our full support. right beside you and you will get through this situation and keep your head held high. xx hi ash, faith and danman i’m so sorry that ash and faith hit that rock bottom level too but i can also understand how you got there. it’s shocking that coke is so responsible for these awful feelings. danman   thank you for your message. the trouble is with my husband is that he won’t admit that he has a problem   i expect when we talk he will tell me its just the odd line of coke for when he is feeling stressed but he tested positive on urine tests for about 3 weeks when i was doing it when he didn’t know until i eventually told him what i had been doing after christmas was over. he had very odd sleeping hours often staying up late then having to sleep in the afternoon and was always tired. that was when he swore to me that he wouldn’t take it again and so stupidly i believed him and we were getting on great. he started going to the loo downstairs in the morning and i knew then but just swept it under the carpet until 2 weeks ago when i asked to test him and he gave me a sample pot of water and when i said this he then said he couldn’t give me urine as he would test positive. i have caught him out about 6 times and each time he has been remorseful and i have forgiven him. two weeks ago he left and then basically returned last weekend and we haven’t yet talked. anyway to cut a long story short i think i am going to bring it up tonight and was wondering if you had any advice about how i should go about it? hi ash, faith and danman i’m so sorry that ash and faith hit that rock bottom level too but i can also understand how you got there. it’s shocking that coke is so responsible for these awful feelings. danman   thank you for your message. the trouble is with my husband is that he won’t admit that he has a problem   i expect when we talk he will tell me its just the odd line of coke for when he is feeling stressed but he tested positive on urine tests for about 3 weeks when i was doing it when he didn’t know until i eventually told him what i had been doing after christmas was over. he had very odd sleeping hours often staying up late then having to sleep in the afternoon and was always tired. that was when he swore to me that he wouldn’t take it again and so stupidly i believed him and we were getting on great. he started going to the loo downstairs in the morning and i knew then but just swept it under the carpet until 2 weeks ago when i asked to test him and he gave me a sample pot of water and when i said this he then said he couldn’t give me urine as he would test positive. i have caught him out about 6 times and each time he has been remorseful and i have forgiven him. two weeks ago he left and then basically returned last weekend and we haven’t yet talked. anyway to cut a long story short i think i am going to bring it up tonight and was wondering if you had any advice about how i should go about it? hi debbie, i hate to say, but i dont think you bringing it up will achieve anything. maybe you need to just tell him what your worries/concerns are, and explain why you can’t live this way. he either gets it, or he doesnt, and if he doesnt then thats disrespectful to you, as his wife. i’m sure he will play it down, but if its a problem for you, then its a problem. you are going about everything the right way, in terms of being non confrontational, not losing it, remaining calm, but he is taking the p…. and you didn’t sign up for this. x i would say that there is no point bringing it up unless you have prepared mentally and emotionally to set out a firm boundary, and most of all ..be ready to stick with the outcome. he plainly hasn’t cared for your feelings up til now and from what you say is almost hellbound to get defensive, deflect on to you and then you’ll end up feeling like the bad one… this is classic denial on his part. personally if you don’t want to be married to someone actively abusing cocaine, then he must surely stop using and prove he is doing so. otherwise you must either learn to live with it (which i would not personally do) or lovingly detatch and try to heal yourself from all this trauma. a lot of addicts struggle to get clean, but at least they’re trying (look at danman… he isn’t stopping trying to give up and it’s hard, hard work but he knows what to do and is doing it) .. sadly you’re bloke won’t even seem to admit there’s a problem. it’s heartbreaking to read. lile ash.. im so upset and sad and annoyed that yet more nice people are having their lives devasted by this awful, horrible demon that is addiction. if you do bring it up .. just go straight to the point and be frank… you’ve got this… but if you can’t bring yourself to do so, we’ll all understand as it’s going to be a painful discussion xxx i think i would rather just get it out of the way but how do i set boundaries if i’m not confrontational and take the softly softly approach with no judgement   sorry to be a wet drip about this but it’s how i feel at the moment. i think your second paragraph says it all. a lot of it is about the lies, deceit, disrespect and nastiness that comes with coke. i do know that i can’t stay married if he carries on taking it both mentally and financially. why should i subsidise and enable someone to do something that i disagree with   i’ll let you know tomorrow how things went and thank you again for all your support   it helps enormously xx i mean id just dive in and say “look love, this just isn’t working for me… ” then issue and ultimatum… i just dont see him turning it round so your marriage could well go up in flames… maybe if he had to go he might realise he’s at a fork in the road.. marriage or cocaine xx hi debbie, how are you doing? i hope you are ok xx same, i’ve been thinking of debbie a lot today and really hope all is well xx hi well we had a talk yesterday and basically he said that he uses occasionally and that he hasn’t had any since easter which was after we split up   he did it with his son and his son’s friends   apparently they provided it. he says he can’t promise he won’t do it again but that he will tell me when he does. he said he is happy for me to test him whenever. i said that why did he test positive for so long during christmas and he said that it shows different results if you have drank alcohol etc. had an answer for everything. when he left 3 weeks ago he was so remorseful in his texts and even on easter sunday he was so upset that he had hurt me but either that day or the day after he did coke. i just don’t get it. anyway he managed to turn it round to make me feel guilty and that it was because of me that he had left not him doing coke for the way i had asked his son not to allow the dog to jump up and all the things that i had made him and his children feel unwelcome but that was because i felt they were using me. once again he made me feel bad that he didn’t feel like this was his home. i don’t know how he managed to twist it all round. last night we went for something to eat and i don’t know how it came up but he said i had left my laptop open with my bank account details and what money i had in them and he said he took a photo. i was stunned that he did this sneaking behind my back but his justification was that i had left it open for all to see which obviously i didn’t as i didn’t want him to know what money i had. once again he twisted this round and managed to somehow now say that i think he is a gold digger and he is absolutely fuming. and now i am left wondering if he is going to come back tonight with his sons but i highly doubt it and once again it will be my fault. i am at the point now where i know that i should stop this marriage as it is so toxic even though yesterday we said we would put the past in the past and try and make it work even though he didn’t really give me much information about the coke i forgave him yet again. xx hey debbie, well done for having the chat, it was very brave of you. i’ll be frank, from what you’ve written, he is absolutely taking the mickey. from what you have said, i think he is playing down his use of coke. he thinks that if he says you can test him anytime that you probably wont, or if you do he’ll have an excuse and he can get away with it. i’m trying to work out why he told you he took a photo of your bank accounts, sometimes addicts double bluff you by admitting they’ve done something, but then using it to justify the craziness to themselves. like, ‘you want to know what i’m doing, well i know what you’ve got’. this all rings alarm bells to me, he says he thinks you think he’s a gold digger, well as you have money and he doesn’t he probably is!! he seems to be walking all over you. he wont promise to stop, but he will tell you when he does it…. what is that for? to ease his guilty conscience? i promise you, he wont tell you every time he does it, and if you catch him out he’ll have accidentally forgot because it was only a tiny bit or whatever. oh debbie, i wish i knew how to fix this for you, but i think you need to be a bit selfish here, and think about yourself, and your confidence, and your life xx and don’t you dare feel guilty about putting your needs first! you’ve every right to feel happy, safe and respected in your life and home. it’s okay to say no.. this isn’t good for me. and walk away, even maybe not a permanent separation or divorce, just a break from it all and see if he comes up trumps or not. he doesn’t see an issue with taking coke frequently. you do. (i would too!) until there is a compromise from those two polar positions there will be problems. put yourself first and think about all the lovely things you could be doing instead of dealing with this misery xxx also that bit about him telling you when he does it… what?? how would that work?? so what.. he says debbie, im thinking of doing drugs tonight/took drugs last night.. what on earth are you meant to say to that? oh that’s great, thanks for telling me (brackets your permitting him, therefore it’s your responsibility for the drug use, not his) .. or … would you go with a gut response and get accused of moaning, nagging, being a killjoy… all that usual addict nonsense that they then use as a springboard to go off and use yet more drugs. (obviously your fault again!) i know some relationships will tolerate and deal with active addiction and if it works for them then that’s great. i would never slate someone for trying to maintain a relationship if that’s what they want to do. however i dobwonder how happy they really are. are they actually dying inside? what about the behaviour of a person in active addiction… they’re generally not pleasant to be around (understatement!)… what if you have kids? is it really a good environment, im not sure. and… it kills me greatly to know and try to come to terms with the fact that i lived in such appalling conditions, i would never knowingly have put my poor kids through that. good god no! never again. i hope it never comes to that huh ???? debbie, ive rambled on long enough, i really wish you all the strength and hope he treats you kindly this weekend xxx faith, you put it all so well. i think this really comes down to, can you deal with being married to someone who takes drugs, because really thats all there is to think about. i’m not about to tell you what to do, because i didnt listen to my closest friends because i thought i knew best. but, if i didnt have a child with mine, i would have left him long ago, because we’ve been married 14 years, together 17, our child is 10, and for at least 50% of the time we’ve been together, it was rubbish, and for 10% of it, it was truly awful, looking back now i wonder if i should have had my head read, manipulation was off the scale, lies were daily, outbursts, accusations, belittling, treading on eggshells. i still now, think deeply before i speak because i’ve learned how to engage differently in response to his past reactions to situations. i don’t need to, but its ingrained now. certain clothes he wears triggers my brain to remembering certain moments, certain places bring back memories, its not a great situation to be in. i dont know how he treats you generally, i mean when you are doing what he wants and not asking questions, probably ok right…. so can you put up with living like that, and also thinking that it could get worse as he doesnt think he has a problem. i wish you strength too debbie x hmmm so many alarm bells ringing here!!! but good for you bringing it up as that took a lot of courage. unfortunately he sounds like he has been able to manipulate everything tbat was said in his favour so that you carry all the responsibility for this situation. he paints himself and his kids as the victims of your behaviour, so that you feel bad and he doesn’t have to, classic manipulation tactic. my first immediate reaction to him saying he hasn’t done any since easter is … well that’s only a few days and what proof is there… my husband was very woolly about dates when he got caught… made out he’d cut right down over the previous few weeks but when i pointed out what he himself had told me. it was absolute rubbish! not saying your husband lied but hmmm… and his answer to splitting from you over cocaine is to do more? with his son??? hmmm hmm hmmm … are you close enough with his son to have a conversation with him about all this… (whose idea was it to get the drugs)… also… he does it, his son does it, the friends do it… so many alarm bells going off about all that x his view on the tests… very convenient… the more heavy user you are the longer to test negative and it is true that alcohol makes it take longer to clear… but if he wants to prove himself clean surely it should be easy enough, right? as for the bank … very, very shady indeed. i can’t tell you what to do in your relationship, only you can decide that..and getting out of a relationship is so traumatic and hard. bloody hell, i can talk… i put up with terrible things and i’m that ashamed i can’t even bear to speak of them… all very clear reasons to have gotten out, but i didn’t. however…. please. please make sure you have that legal safety behind you… don’t let yourself be financially ruined in the name of love as whatever the outcome of this marriage, you need to be able to live and look forward to a future which you clearly have worked so hard towards. xxx thank you both of you   i feel i’m getting 2 good friends here who are also offering me good advice. my heart tells me to stay but my head tells me to leave. perhaps i will try to prolong it until we go on holiday at the beginning of july for 3 weeks with no drugs and none of his family with us   just us two and if that doesn’t work then it really will be time to call it quits. if we don’t make it to that date then i think i will go to a retreat …. xx aw .. we’re like the little voices in your head telling you what you already know deep down xx a retreat sounds heavenly, why wait til july? ???? are you going abroad debbie? so he can’t take any with him i mean 🙂 xx yes it is our honeymoon which has been delayed 4 times now   going to africa   so looking forward to it but to be honest i’m not sure we will even get to be together that long and that’s only 8 weeks away. we’ve been back together for a week now and already it has gone wrong xx just a little update   had a bit of a thing this weekend as he asked me to test him and the test line was quite faint. the strips i got give you a positive reading if there is only one line but negative with a dark line and another line underneath. wanted me to test again which i did with the same results. as i left the room to go get the tests i could hear him saying ‘you can’t control me and i can do what i want’   i didn’t react to this and he also said don’t text him with anything to do with cocaine as i had texted him on friday ‘please don’t take any coke’ as he was out with male friends   he was quite angry about this. i hope as he had asked me to do the test that he hasn’t been taking it but on saturday night when all this started perhaps he was craving some as was in a very bad mood and fairly drunk too xx wait… so he asked you to do the test and then moaned about it!? did you mean the result was a faint positive? if so, it means that he took cocaine at some point in the not too distant past. depending on when the test was done maybe even prior to the night out with friends/maybe he did a small amount when out. either way it doesn’t sound like a very happy conversation, or weekend. he still sounds like he thinks you’re the one with the problem, you’re ruining all his “fun” x hi debbie, god this sounds so familiar, so he may have thought that not doing it for a few days would mean is test would be clear, i mean, why would he offer to do one if he thought he’d fail it! what day did he suggest you test him? friday before he went out, or saturday after he’d been out? its possible he didnt do it and the feinter line was from past use, but he also may have only dont a small amount and maybe thought it wouldn’t show! or maybe was bluffing you and thought you wouldn’t say, ok lets take a test then. alcohol is definitely a trigger to wanting it for some people, it was for my husband, and he doesn’t drink at all now. if he appeared very drunk he probably hadn’t done any, coke straightens you out if you are drunk, i’ve seen my husband 6 beers, a bottle of wine, and half a dozen whiskeys not appear in the slightest bit drunk when he’s done coke at the same time! xx yes he asked me to do a test and it was a faint negative but the line was still there so presume he was negative but was angry   not sure why but yes he is still seeming to blame me for stopping him from doing it   i don’t think he wants to actually stop it but maybe was angry as was having a craving for it xx hi he suggested doing it on the saturday after he had been out   the people that he was out with would definitely not do coke. he did appear quite drunk and hungover from the previous night so perhaps fingers crossed he didn’t do it but was just craving it as maybe alcohol is his trigger xx i’d take a guess that he didn’t do it, especially if the guys he was with don’t do it. so he probably thought he would be clean, but like i’ve said before, it took my husband 2 3 weeks to get a totally clear test, so a faint line could indicate use in the last week or so, but possibly longer, until he gets a clear test, and it remains that way, there is no telling really. xx maybe he thought he would be clear and in doing the test was trying to fiigure out whether he can get away with it during the week… ie… if he did x amount after y hours… does it still show? maybe he was disappointed as he won’t be able to get away with much!? they are crafty ***ers … but not as clever as they think! ha ha yes they are… i was also wondering that if he did a test this weekend gone and it was clear then perhaps i wouldn’t test him for a while so he could get away with it this week etc makes you so untrusting doesn’t it but i suppose for a reason for all the lies etc from before. xx i thought the same faith! they are and he will be annoyed that he probably did some when working away, thought it wouldn’t show by saturday…. but boom, it did. then he’s annoyed, and deflecting that mood onto debbie. debbie, i would explain that you know the tests will show after a period of time, so you’ll be happy when he does a test that is clean, and then it remains clean whenever he is tested. if he doesn’t accept that, then he isnt ready to stop, imo xx bang on ash! it’s either clear or he’s taken drugs! if anything that test can be a baseline… obviously it will be completely clear next time, right!? yeah… i used to be a massive optimist and take people at their word/give the benefit of the doubt etc… not any more though… everyone looks shady these days and i am very, very cynical ???? that’s how i feel, so cynical   he phoned me just now and said he was on the high street and my immediate thought was that he was meeting his dealer as i won’t see him until wednesday evening. i really don’t want to have to feel like this but now we have paid a non refundable balance for the honeymoon so feel i have to try to make this work with everything i have and hope that he will too. i am feeling a lot stronger now though and for the first time ever a couple of times over the weekend i found myself looking at him and thinking do i really want this person in my life. it’s his birthday this weekend and i think we are going to stay at his mum’s house and his kids will be there including the one that hates me (this was also said to me over the weekend   i was thinking my kids hate you but i would never say this to you!!) i am dreading that he will stay up late and take coke again with his son. xx it’s okay to take time to figure out what we really want from our relationship, and even whether we want it at all x my husband and i talked yesterday about how this horrible thing is always going to be there, no matter what and maybe walking away might have been easier. we’re all just acrabbling in the remains of what we thought we had, sometimes there are enough pieces to make something worthwhile, but it’s never the same. some parts of our relationship are better, but it still points back to the bad stuff. i hope we make it and i’m 100% committed, but it’s not got that shine we once had. in honesty i should have walked away years ago, before the drugs .. everyone envied us but behind closed doors he’s been an absolute nightmare… that’s how he got away with it for so long.. he was just worse than normal and progressed into complete insanity over the active addiction period. anyway… what im saying is… dont beat yourself up for not leaving a tricky relationship… it’s not that easy x err   ‘i was thinking my kids hate you but i would never say this to you!!’ but he just said it, such random behaviour. the problem is debbie that you”ll always be wondering, always be dreading events, not wanting the weekend to come, not wanting anyone to invite him anywhere, the trust is disappearing. and he has to work on that with you, rather than act how he currently is. would he honestly do it at his mothers house with his son?? one place i knew i’d be safe would be my in laws, as he would never have done it there. i think you really know the answer to your own questions in your head, its just acting on what your head is telling you xx my beloved crossed that bridge (parents/best friend’s house/anywhere and everywhere) unfortunately.. the only no go zones were when other people were physically in the room… now either it is true or he is so mortified that he wishes it weren’t true ???? once one boundary is crossed you might as well just put them all in the bin! i know the things that they say hurt but none of it is how they truly feel. if you read the posts from the ex addicts they talk about regrets and how deliberately horrible they would be in order to start an argument and that in their twisted reality gave them an excuse to go using cocaine. they will try anything as an excuse to why they have to use it. we all have those moment of feeling we hate them or our kids hate them or someone else should hate them and that’s another sad thing is that it also turns us in to people we’re not as we have to be cold and heartless to get through this way of living. there’s no way i would cover up from his family now. i’m just open about it as the sneaky addict side of them would lie or even just mislead to make situations out to be your fault or find excuses for everything. once other people know the situation it’s easier for them to help or be more understanding. i know it’s embarrassing but it helps if you have someone you can talk to. you don’t have to take any of their advice but when you are being gaslighted/blamed for everything, misled it helps to see how a person who hasn’t been tricked by them would see things. it’s always interesting on here how one of us thinks what we are going through is so embarrassing and we are ashamed when a it’s not us doing it and b there’s always someone else on here who has been through whatever it is. hi notmyrealname x i haven’t seen you on here for a while and i can’t remember your story. are you in the situation of a partner in recovery or active addiction? my husband is almost 15 months clean but it’s still a struggle for us both. staying off the drug is the *easy* part… he struggles with shame and paranoia and low self esteem and i struggle to accept where we are/where i am and what he’s said and done because of his addiction. i know it was the addiction speaking for him, but he chose to go down the dangerous path of secretly taking cocaine… how did he think it would work out!? if you regularly ingest addictive substances it inevitably will lead to addiction. yes, i know nobody sets out to be an addict but most people take sensible steps to avoid such a life. i feel very let down, even though im relieved he got clean. now im waffling! sending love, as always to my fellow addicts’ wives/partners/loved ones xx hi i think it’s somewhere in between, lots of ups and downs, he’s done a lot more longer period of not doing it 3/4 days in a row, was an every day user.so he’s stuck in a cycle currently of doing the few good days, returning to normal person we enjoy being around and then after a day or so of normality he ends up doing it again. currently struggling with being supportive as so hurt and upset that he ends up choosing it every time and then is so sorry and apparently disappointed in himself. he’s had some progress going on meetings and really related to the people he spoke to in them but basically there hasn’t been much consistency yet. they can’t do it unless they really want to can they. aw sounds like you’re trapped in the worst of both worlds… just able to see and feel how things could be, and having it ripped away every time. that’s very tough x i think if my husband relapses i will walk away, but when it comes down to it that’s not very easy to do as we’ve been together 18 yrs and have kids. i am also 100% financially dependent on him. it’s good that your husband is trying as it shows he deep down knows it’s a bad scene, i guess the addiction voice is very loud for him. but yes, it’s a hard road and they have to be ready to fight for their sobriety x exactly, i’ve even had his family members saying walk away but they don’t have any kids so it’s hard to explain that to them. thanks for understanding. i don’t know how anyone could think we would take any decision lightly in this situation. the gaps between have been getting longer, he really wants to do it this time. been trying to stay positive. me and the kids have loved being around him just as himself. aw that’s okay, i’ve actually come close to asking my husband to leave this week as although he isn’t taking the drugs any more all the associated behaviour which led to his addiction have been popping up too much lately (paranoia/self centeredness/obsessive behaviour/bad tempered and argumentative)… i told him that though i know he hasn’t taken drugs, the way he behaves i’m dreading him being around and when i look at him all i see is the man who betrayed me and the kids for a great many years. it’s really sad but i think he is quite mentally shaky and much as i don’t want to desert him, at the same time it’s up to him to do the work and he’s already taken so much from me. anyway, he’s taken it on board, for now. i think it’s probably inevitable we will separate eventually. i think even the kids have had enough. hey ho xx they do that nastiness so that when you have a go at them their warped way of thinking justifies that they had to take some coke because even we are against them. they try to find an excuse. i usually just say i know what you are doing you’re trying to find an excuse to do it, and he has even at times admitted this once he realised. it’s not even conscious their sneaky brain can do it. you just have to ride through it (well if you can/want to). oh yes! that’s a good call you made there, it is the sneaky side of his brain dropping into the old habit.. old habits are the hardest to break indeed!!!! as it goes my husband’s bad behaviour began many years before the drugs started, it just got progressively worse to the point that he actually thought he was untouchable… hence the drugs and the fact that i just thought *good grief, he’s worse than ever* never realising i was living with a coked up lunatic. puts chills down my spine now just thinking about it and what he was actually capable of doing. i guess he still is too as it never really goes away does it ???? isn’t it exhausting dealing with it all .. what i meant was that my kids hate him but i would never say that to him whereas he said it very easily to me that his middle one hates me because i left france even though i left france because of his behaviour! yes that was where he did it apparently the last time on easter sunday even though he knew that we had split because of it   i found that really hard to fathom as he had texted me that day that the last 7 days had been the hardest and saddest days of his life and that he was deeply remorseful about letting me down and yet that evening he took it at his mum’s house   she goes to bed at 8pm and his son and his son’s friends and him ended up playing poker and one of them produced some coke and he obviously couldn’t bring himself to say no! i am on an emotional roller coaster at the moment   he is still very belittling at times to me and i end up protecting myself to him and sometimes don’t say how i am feeling to avoid any confrontation with him. time will tell i guess xx what i meant was that my kids hate him but i would never say that to him whereas he said it very easily to me that his middle one hates me because i left france even though i left france because of his behaviour! yes that was where he did it apparently the last time on easter sunday even though he knew that we had split because of it   i found that really hard to fathom as he had texted me that day that the last 7 days had been the hardest and saddest days of his life and that he was deeply remorseful about letting me down and yet that evening he took it at his mum’s house   she goes to bed at 8pm and his son and his son’s friends and him ended up playing poker and one of them produced some coke and he obviously couldn’t bring himself to say no! i am on an emotional roller coaster at the moment   he is still very belittling at times to me and i end up protecting myself to him and sometimes don’t say how i am feeling to avoid any confrontation with him. time will tell i guess xx thank you for your reply. he seems to have got a bit nicer since stopping. i have tested him regularly now and it so far is negative   praying it will last. he has now started smoking weed though and i went mad when i found out this weekend but i guess it is better than taking coke. i asked how he got it and said it was from his son’s friend. i said to him that i would have thought he would have stopped for the sake of his middle son who was a weed addict and has now stopped. he said that i can’t control him and he smoked it before he met me. i really wish that he was completely drug free but as i said it is better than coke. he also splashed out and added to our holiday which was a total surprise to me and a good surprise. xx mine does too and as you say in ideal situation i would rather he didn’t but i can tolerate that. it sounds wonderful about your holiday, i haven’t been on holiday for ages and would love to, in the current situation i think i will be going without him as we really deserve a holiday and he’s not interested and isn’t in the right place at the moment. i’ve just got to be brave for me to book it for us myself and be confident to go if he won’t be coming as it’s hard to adjust as my confidence has been knocked by all of this. ours is our 4th attempt at going on honeymoon as it has been delayed so many times because of covid. definitely go if you have to on your own   it will be good for you to just relax away from home and sit in the sun and read a book. you never know he might just go if book for a month or so time. a change of location would be great for you both. i can totally relate to your confidence being knocked sideways as mine has too x wow debbie!!! he finally tested negative ???? what great news. and his general deneanor has lifted! i really hope it stays this way and you make your holiday… the longer they stay clear of that stuff the better perspective they have of reality. maybe he can turn this around after all if he sees how enjoyable life can be without cocaine ruining everything. on the weed… i confess i have smoked occasionally for over 30 years. but… i can take it or leave it. ive gone years without smoking but i’ll be honest i have used it for medicinal reasons a lot last year, a small amount in the evening to help me sleep   it’s gentler than the chemical stuff from the doc . however… it’s once again about the whole attitude around it. if you’re spoiling everyone’s lives around you then you have a problem. if you’re prioritising it over life.. a big problem. if you’re someone who struggles with addiction … you’re highly likely to develope a problem. it’s not a stimulant like cocaine, therefore you don’t necessarily have the extreme irritability… however heavily usage definitely will lead to mood swings and the modern weed varieties are sometimes pretty strong. do be mindful. but i’m so glad he finally came back negative xx debbie that’s fabulous that you’ve finally turned a corner. my hubby is now 9 months clean from drugs 4 months from smoking but unfortunately still drinks. thos is very much his new issue . he’s paranoid when drunk thinks people are after him going to kill him and that i know who they are. just two days ago he said he didn’t love me anymore and we should part. i didn’t respond as it ends up heated . i kinda take the shit. we are due to go away in june for his 50th and he says he’ll leave after that . i call bull on this as i’d spoke to him about his drink. and this is his retaliation. he wants me to scream at him and throw him out . i’ve refused as i know the pattern he tells his family i’m mad and that it’s my fault so he feels better he didn’t do it. i probably should but when he says under his breath thinking i can’t hear that no one live hi. and he doesn’t live him so how can others. ( oh he also reckons hes not got me issues) thats exactly how it became with coke   i would throw him out and then it was all my fault as i threw him out not him deciding to leave and his family would blame me as they didn’t know the true reason why i threw him out. mine still drinks but he doesn’t generally get nasty on it although the weekend before last he did get angry and say i can’t control him and what he does etc etc but i think that was probably because he was craving coke. when he says he doesn’t love you anymore and that you should part   is that the drink talking and when sober he doesn’t want that?? i am learning not to respond to his rants and walk away but occasionally i forget and it turns heated. then i think why did i retaliate? but i guess it’s just human nature to try to defend yourself. thanks fnf   long may it last but i don’t think i have seen the end of this as he says that he will tell me if he does again eg when playing poker late into the night. i think that if this happens it will be the long slippery slope to using again. i have said i will accept that but in reality i don’t. hoping that it doesn’t happen and i am absolutely going to ban any coke in the house so hopefully his son won’t bring coke and friends round to play poker. absolutely gorgeous day and now off to mow the lawn xx i think that is what is going to happen to my husband but i am praying not but not too optimistic at the moment   i dread the day i find out he has been taking it again. i think he has done about a month without taking it hey, i am new here after just catching up on 53 pages. relating to most things that have been said. i learnt of my husbands drug addiction in dec 2021   in which he was distraught and promised he would not do it again as he did not have a problem. fast forward 2 weeks after our wedding in march. my gut was telling me to check his banking app.. payments to dealers right in front of me. i confronted him and he was so sorry and disgusted at himself again. we cleared the drug bills with some of the wedding money. he even brought the ‘friend’ to our new house and told him he was not losing all this and to take his money and not to contact him regarding drugs again. fastforward to 3 weeks ago when sh!t hit the fan. he got smarter. lifting cash to make payments   i know this because he left his bank card and i took it and got a mini statement to see what was happening as i could only go through his phone when he was drunk as he is a light sleeper. i know i sound crazy but this is what it has made me. the man i love had changed, it has altered his personality to a paranoid, lying, shadow of man. when i confronted him this time he is a completely different person   the anger in him. he just up and leaves. telling me to leave and run because he will drag me down with him. i called my mum for an intervention. that went down like a led balloon. he left the house and refused to come back until she had left. he returned 4 hours later, snatching my phone to see who i had been texting and what i had said. this man i did not know. we have always had the fun/banter/easy going relationship. yes some hard times over the 13 years but nothing ever like this. we rarely fight but since we have got married all we have had is issues which is now clear it is the drugs and not me like i had thought! on saturday a letter came through for a missed car payment   to which he said it’s been paid and gave a date it leaves his account which makes no sense because it was dated before the payment is due out. lie again. i told him what i expected from him going forward. he has let me have access to his emails to sort out loans and overdraft and agreed to go on a dmp/iva as he has said he is done and out of money to continue this and he wants his life back. i have got the ball rolling today on this. he has also agreed to move his salary into our joint account (which he has no access to) and move all his bills here. he has also agreed to change his number once his drug debt is paid and block and remove any numbers. he has also agreed to drug tests every 3 days. he will not seek any help. the most he has done is ring his dr for anxiety meds as i said this may help with the stress at work which led to his addiction. he is doing everything i ask but i can’t help feeling deflated and sad and waiting on the next suspicion to arise. any advice would be grateful! hi hopeful, sorry for not replying earlier, it’s been one of those weeks and my husband, despite being clean, has been slipping into his old behavioural habits. grrr. i’d like to say welcome to this forum, but its … sorry… sausage fingers pressed submit! yes…welcome to this place where people like us, generally women try to find some fragments of sense in this horrible, frightening world we’ve been thrown into. x so.. you’ve had a bit of a time of it and it definitely sounds like your husband is quite heavily addicted, the lies and deception, and sheer cunning they employ are all part of the illness, and it really helps you deal with things if you keep the fact that is an illness at the front of your mind. as they’ve taken more of this drug (or any addictive substance) their brain will have cjanged fs.. sausage fingers again! their brains rewire to prioritise the drug above everything else.. food, sleep, family and sex.. and as time goes by they stop at nothing to get their fix.. hence addicts are capable of stealing from tbeir own granny! the good news is that they can overcome this illness and their brain can relearn it’s normal pathways, they need to be committed and above all, keep trying if they fall. a lot of people swear by ca/aa/na… my husband went to ca and it got him on the right track. i made him. he’s glad he did because they are all recovering addicts and obviously know better than anyone the struggle. some manage to break the habit without that assistance   ash’s husband managed to do so and has stayed clean. what i would say is that you have to do what works for you, and don’t allow them (our addicts) to push you around any more. you need to think about what your boundaries are and then get ready to enforce them. addicts love pushing boundaries. in terms of his shame… during active addiction they go through cycles of shame, anger at themselves and the world, self loathing and despair, even suicidal. they generally know what they’re doing is wrong and harmful. but… the addict voice in their head lies to them and is the loudest… so they take more drugs in the hope of feeling better and end up feeling even worse. my husband is deeply ashamed of how he has behaved. he has been absolutely horrible and violent because of that stuff. he will never fully get over it. at first my husband needed to be treated like a child… no cash/no money/babysat… and regular drug tests. he’s okay now on that score. do you know how much your husband was using/how long has he had the habit? mine was 2.5 years… and he wanted out but didn’t know how and shame kept it secret. i think much longer and it would have been very much harder to get out. so yeah, welcome to our corner where we aren’t quite so lonely in this strange world. hope my ramblings can help a bit xx it has been full of ups & downs the last 7 months. from what i know he has been using heavily for the last 6/7 months, before that was a social thing. which i always disagreed with as i do not use myself. he has handed over access to his emails and will soon be using an account we can both see for his salary as he needs to go into a dmp to pay of debts. his drug bill is being cleared this week. new phone number next week and a clear out of numbers on his phone. he has not used in 2 weeks and i can see his personality coming through again. he was at the point this week were the phone bill had not been paid nor the car payments. he was thinking of leaving his job to get one closer if the car had to go back. i really hope this is his rock bottom. my close family and several friends know, they have been life savers. i know we are not out of the woods yet but i hope there is light at the end of the tunnel. if we reach here again soon he will be asked to leave and if he cannot sort himself out we will not be together. i have looked into my finances and can afford to live by myself and because we have been married less than a year i can seek an annulment i think. there will be no further chances and his family will be told and can deal with him then. i didn’t reply before because my husband has been very hard work recently (no drugs, just addict type behaviour!) and then we were away for a few days. your approach sounds similar to mine… set clear boundaries and either he sorts it our, or we’re on the next bus out of here! i think the softly, softly approach lets them think it’s okay, but it’s such hard work and inside we’re hurting a great deal. i wondered how you guys are getting on? x hey, i hope all is well. 🙂 oh my.. it’s so weird this is me this week. addict behavior (is this a thing?) (drugs i dont know yet because i have not done a drug test yet). i am just deflated. had such a good week. fun, laughs, seen his old sparkle back then boom back to work and hes edgy, weird. we had words on wednesday like any normal couple. then he follows me to start an argument. i was like wow!!! who is this.. he went a walk. his brother rings me at 11pm asking what was going on and why was he being weird and not making sense but didnt seem to be on anything. he was texting me saying he was sick of people always asking if he is on something or questioning him when he isnt. i told him he has a long way to go before people trust him. he didnt come home until 1am. slept in spare room. i am just taken back by this bizarre behavior.. its what he does when guilt sets in.. this has happened a handful of times this year and now i notice the pattern. hopefully we will talk tonight and he will open up more. i am slowly zoning out and feeling more numb. addict behaviour certainly is a thing in my husband!!! it’s compulsive, impulsive, reckless and self centered. i guess not all addicts are the same but it depends what the addict was like when they became an addict. anyone can become an addict but certain behaviour/personality types are naturally predisposed. my husband probs has undiagnosed adhd… they are highly likely to fall into the addiction trap. ho hum! anyway… how are you? x did you talk? is he still clean? x ah meant to say two other things… first and foremost you have probably had a terrible shock, and are feeling very frightened for the future… discovering your loved one is an addict/living with an addict really takes a toll on our mental health. i used to be a very positive, outgoing, confident and happy go lucky person, now i’m a shadow of what i used to be, i have very bad ptsd, depressed, anxious, sad and afraid for the future. i always expect the worst now. i look at people and feel afraid of what they’re really like and i have very little ability to trust. im working on this of course. i had six months of talking therapy. anyway i’m not moaning… im just saying that it is normal to feel very messed up and confused and heartbroken in our shoes, this life is not what we dreamed of growing up. it’s important to acknowledge it and get help/support. all my family and a few close friends know what has happened. they’ve been amazing. we cannot possibly carry this burden alone. i totally recommend confiding as you are always surprised by the level of kindness and understanding people actually have. failing that… we’re all here for you too xx one final thing… addicts need to be extremely careful with prescription medicines… especially those for anxiety etc… could be a very slippery slope here. be very careful. anyway… big hugs and take care of yourself xxx???? sorry to hear this fnf   i too am seeing the same sort of behaviour from my husband   not so much the paranoia but self centreness and argumentative and belittling but i’m not sure if he has taken the drugs unfortunately. i’m sort of scared to ask him as he will twist it round to me being annoying etc. i’m kind of hanging on to see if our holiday goes well and will take it from there. its like he resents me for everything i do even the clothes i have bought him for holiday   it’s not thank you it’s ‘for god sake why spend that much on a jacket when i can get it from amazon (obviously not the same quality!)   i don’t know why i bother sometimes but love to give things and maybe that’s just not the right thing to do? hi notmyrealname   not sure welcome is the right terminology to use and glad he seems to be going in the right direction. long may it continue. i have found it really helpful being on here   it’s from people that completely understand what you have been going through not just friends and family who just tell you to leave but don’t understand the web that you are caught up in. xx yeah… i’m very familiar with that jacket scenario (grrr)… it’s like if you made them a sandwich or folded their clothes they’re doing you a bloody favour by accepting your meagre efforts!!! obviously my husband is nowhere near as bad as he was, but i do have to pull him up still now and again. he was an absolute idiot on saturday evening too, actually lost his temper and starting shouting the most ridiculous nonsense at me… same old same old same. obviously very contrite on sunday… i know there are no drugs involved but i just want the peaceful life and i’ve started to think i won’t get it here. im making an exit plan just in case. do you think your husband is back on the drugs potentially? hello ????. i’m new here and i’m stunned how many people are in the similar situation to mine. i guess i’m looking for support because i just don’t know what to do anymore. september last year my fiancé broke to me that he’s been using cocaine for 9 months nearly every day. by ‘broke to me’ it was me asking him whether he did because his behaviour changed, he always had a bunged up nose and he kept withdrawing from me. after many months of tears, more secrets out, him having a mental breakdown and being thousands of pounds in debt i finally thought we were getting somewhere. he was back at work part time, stopped using (last time he did was in february this year). then he used an opportunity when i was out with friends to buy some and took it all at once… i’m just so heartbroken, we postponed the wedding again because of his mental health and debt, but now i don’t even know if i can commit to him and this recovery. i read a lot of horror stories of husbands hiding, lying and being monsters on this forum. my fiance did blame me for a lot whe he was very poorly with his mental health, but since i’ve found out about his addiction he’s told me about every relapse. he knows he’s got a problem, he suggested i take all his bank cards so he can’t buy any that he will go to all the meetings again and will start talking to his therapist again. so it seems like he wants to get better, but i just wonder whether i’m clinging onto whatever i can. he’s also said it can be all over tomorrow, i just need to say because it’s his battle and he’s dragging me down and i don’t deserve it. i just need to tell him to go and ill have my life back. like it is a lot of the times with these things, he has been using drugs to deal with his poor mental health, so that’s a problem as much as the drugs, as he seems to be reaching out for them every time he struggles. at this point i’m not sure whether i can marry him and commit my life to this. its been nearly 2 years of hell and its just not life. im 31, weve been together for nearly 8 years and i just feel robbed of my future. i thought we would be trying for babies right now, yet were here, with the wedding postponed again, and so much heartache idk i can take anymore. so i guess i’m reaching out for a bit of support, and perhaps an opinion of people who might be in a similar situation to mine. hello, and here come yet another one caught up on this misery x the good news is that your man definitely seems to want to change, and by the sounds of it has done really well until this latest relapse. i’d say he definitely needs to be carrying on those meetings as recovery is an ongoing process that needs to be maintained every single day. what you say about him telling you he will leave if you ask sounds like fairly typical addict behaviour… failing to take responsibility/ownership of anything, even their own feelings… hence the avoidance of dealing with feelings/life and using drugs instead. if your guy is suffering from poor mental health it is to him to seek help from professionals. it is not our job to fix these broken individuals. at the same time it is almost impossible to walk away from someone you love and care for, despite finding ourselves in these horrible circumstances. we have to think long and hard about our personal boundaries, what we can or cannot tolerate, and then be ready to enforce these boundaries. from what you say though he wants out and that can only be a good thing. big hugs xx thanks so much for your reply and kind words. i think it would be easier to leave if he refused to get help and was a total arsehole. but he is devastated by his latest relapse, took all my screams and tears on the chin last night and he reckons he will be back at work tomorrow. he has been seeing a therapist and taking antidepressants. but he has stopped seeing his therapist for a little bit, because he felt like he’s well enough to try without him (they’re also expensive). he struggled with his mental health a bit more those last couple of weeks, and last week he told me he will go gp and up his antidepressant dosage, and will go back to his therapist. sounds like he’s on it, right? and last night when he relapsed, he said he will go to all support groups meetings etc. so, unlike a lot of husbands on this forum, he does seem to be wanting to get better, was sober for 3 months and told me straight away every time he relapsed. he started taking care of himself, like exercise and eat healthy. but just because someone else’s husband sounds worse than mine, does it mean i should stay? am i just clutching at straws? and like debbieg2020 said, i don’t know if i can be living in constant fear it’ll all come crashing down again. 31 seems an awkward age to leave, because i’m not getting any younger and want children. not that that is my reason to stay, it terrifies me to think i could bring children into this. i just never thought we’d be here, as like a lot of people said on this forum, my fiancé adored me and we were the power couple everyone looked up to. i just can’t believe we are where we are. it’s so, so hard, we’re stuck between a rock and a hard place… my husband and i have been together since 2003.. married 15 years this july.. we have 2 kids together and he took my older two on, we have two grandkids and a mortgage… there’s sooo much history… ive never been happier… and never been sadder. the longer you stay together the harder it is to let go. i wish i’d listened to my gut instinct years ago tbh. like you many people have looked to us as a lovely couple and the embodiment of true love. it feels like a sham now though and i do have that nagging feeling it will all tumble down one day or another. especially since his obsessive behaviour is coming up to the forefront more often recently. i hate to sound all doom and gloom but if you can get out before you’re in too deep, i would recommend it. the more we help them, the more we’re enabling their poor behaviour. i am learning to lovingly detatch from my husband and his antics. ???? hi riesena, your story sounds extremely similar to my story. i spent a full year waiting for him go get sober (from jan 21 to jan 22). like your fiancee, he really wanted to stop, was trying to fight it a lot of the time, gave me all his cards etc. but no matter what me or him tried to put to in place to stop him he always found a way, mostly stated using and drinking in work. he also has a massive alcohol addiction that became even more problematic than coke. he became so good at lying and i just felt like a detective all the time and the stress of it was killing me. like you, i had fully expected to be planning a wedding and trying to get pregnant this year.. i’m 35 now so the thoughts of leaving him and trying to find someone else at this age terrified me so i think that’s why i made up so many excuses for him and fought for so long to save our relationship. he even went to rehab for 3 months and we had a few weeks of complete bliss before he relapsed again. but by january this year, i realised that we were no further on than 12 months before, i couldn’t cope with the lies anymore and i felt that addiction had taken his whole lovely bubbly caring personality from him. all i was left with was a shell and then i realised that all the hopes for the future that i was clinging on to, i knew he wouldn’t be able to give me any of that now. so i suppose what i learned is that even if they do want to stop, sometimes the addiction is too strong and deep rooted, it isn’t possible for everyone. maybe he will get sober at some point, but i don’t have the years that it might take to wait on him. it was horrible for a long time after i left him, but i know now i 100% made the right decision now. i’ve enjoyed travelling again, with no worries about what’s going on at home. i’m enjoying tinder at the min and hopeful that i will meet someone to start a family with as i believe it was impossible to do that with my ex. i’m so sorry that you had to go through this. like i said, it’s sometimes harder to walk away when they are ‘nice’ and want to stop. it makes me sad how many people struggle with it, and how heartless their actions are. it does feel like my partner had made some progress. he was bed bound with depression for about 4 months, wouldn’t eat and he would smoke weed the moment he opened his eyes, even if it was 7am in the morning. when i was begging him to stop he would tell me he can stop whenever he wants, but people just expect things from him without doing things he expects them to do. he wouldn’t shower for a week and i would be an enemy number one. he then had a psychotic episode caused by shrooms and i think that scared him. he seemed to have been gradually getting better since, and he does seem to be honest about his slip ups. maybe i should give it a year, until september. then, if he relapses again, call it quits. i’m so glad you’ve managed to find joy in life again. i wish you all the best, and a lovely family in the future x thanks! i really hope it works out well for you too… its such a hard call to stay or go.. especially when you know that they want to change and it sounds like he’s quite vulnerable at the minute. i wouldn’t wish that situation on my worst enemy! it’s only you who can decide if it’s time to go.. but yea, maybe having a time set in your mind to see if any progress has been made might be a good idea.. and i’d really recommend trying to get him to go to ca, it’s such a supportive group! goodness me, it sounds like your bloke has a great many issues… i really do hope that you’re able to find a bit of time to focus on yourself a bit. this stuff is all so draining and emotionally hurtful. i hope you have friends or family close enough that you can talk to them and get a hug too. x hi fnf   i don’t think so as have been testing   he just gets very belittling and angry sometimes and just goes off on one   its like these words keep pouring out of his mouth in a tirade and won’t stop   its weird   i don’t think i could do that if i tried. some of it makes no sense   i wish i had the hindsight to record it and play it back to him   i think he would be quite shocked at his behaviour. hi riesena   if you want my absolute honest opinion and if you want a normal life and i just wish i could do it, i would leave as i think it takes a certain type of person to get addicted to coke as we all seem to be in the same situation with the same sort of person. you’re only 31 and you have such a lot of life to live and enjoy. and it seems also that everyone that has been in our situation has been struck to the core and are always looking over our shoulder expecting everything to come crumbling down once more. i never can think that it will all be over and things will be wonderful. sorry if this sounds hard and hypocritical coming from me who is still there but there will be someone out there for you who will also make you very happy. i wish i had never got married to be honest but i didn’t know about this addiction before although i had caught him a couple of times and if i had i would never have got married. i am giving him one last chance and i think he knows that. like fnf says set your boundaries and stick to them. i hope you are ok xx hi fnf   i don’t think so as have been testing and lines are strong negatives. he has been very belittling and i would say resentful of me though   sometimes what pours out of his mouth without taking a breath is unbelievable   i wish i could record it and play it back to him   i think he would be shocked.xx hi riesena   if you want my absolute honest opinion i would leave as you are only 31 and you have so much life ahead of you to enjoy without the constant looking over your shoulder and expecting everything to come crumbling down. this is what happens and like fnf says you have to set your boundaries and stick to them. i so wish i could leave but it is so hard and you are in the same situation as we love them to bits but i am starting to see reality and sometimes i look at him when he is having a go at me and think you have let me down so so many times and i’ve forgiven you and yet you are still behaving like a complete arse. the lack of trust and hurt never goes away   it is still constantly lurking there in your life. if i was your age i would run and never look back. i really hope you are ok xx so painfully familiar… absolute horrible ridiculous nonsense just pouring out of an angry fat head… spittle flying across the room!!! utterly grotesque ???? i don’t even bother to argue any more … he stopped all that when it all came out, but this past few months he’s going out of control all over again. then he wonders why im withdrawing from him. i think he’s forgetting where he came from and that arrogant and egotistical addict side is coming back through. i read what i write and i must admit i don’t like what i see. thought i hadn’t posted the one before and so had to write again …. does that sometimes! it’s a bit laggy ☺ i’m the same   i don’t bother to argue anymore either as if i do try to defend myself for something that he says i am doing (which i’m not   i would be the first person to accept it if i was) it doesn’t even register with him. he doesn’t hear my words at all and is stuck with what is in his head and what he thinks is golden. i feel downtrodden and let down constantly. there will come a point that enough is enough i’m sure. yesterday he said to put the dinner in the oven as he had to do something in the garden and i said it will be ready before you finished. anyway as it happens i gave it some time and then put it in the oven and when he finally came in he complained it was cold   you can’t win!! something as pathetic as that is all my fault ….x i could tell you a million stories about the same exact behaviour coming from my husband. illogical, irrational and tiresome. yet sonehow… im the unreasonable one when he’s mad about something or another. when he’s calmer he knows he was talking rubbish, but in the moment it’s like he’s posessed. i’ve posted on here before after my 15 year relationship broke down. i was married with a mortgage, four children and the usual normal things in life. as far as i was aware, everything was brilliant. my husband worked away mon friday, we had lovely holidays and a comfortable life… then came the secret life he had so cleverly hidden for years. i found empty bags inside a sock in his work bag! i confronted him and he lied and lied and lied. that’s all he seemed to do. it was neverending and so convincing. i kicked him out and then his mail that he had cunningly redirected started coming. thousands of pounds worth of debt. we sold our home and he went on a bender with his profits. he didn’t bother with our children, not even on special occasions. we were left grieving as a family. this man was unrecognisable. fast forward 3 years.. he is now living in sheltered accommodation. he now smokes crack and injects amphetamines. i took him to court because on occasion he has turned up at the children’s school to see them. he is subject to a court order now and gets one day a week supervised visits. his skin is grey and he looks like he’s one step away from death. he still lies and manipulates anybody he can. he uses dating platforms to guilt vulnerable people into lending him money. he has had help and is continuously offered help and support but he continues this lifestyle. i have had years of counselling and so have my children. i never saw the signs when we was together. i lived in a bubble and i was blind to it. good lord your story puts the fear of god into me!!!! thank you for sharing and all power to you for being a safe good and loving mum for your poor kids in the dire situation. i avoid saying brave and strong, because we aren’t really… we just didn’t get the choice in the matter xxx i think as a mother i just went into protection mode. i had planned my whole life with this man. it’s taken a long time to accept the situation for what it is. i hope nobody has to go through what i have. i think the only advice to anyone that i could possibly give is to listen to your gut feeling. just a question   do drug dealers give them credit and if so and they have no way to pay back   what happens. is there anyway they can pay on credit card? my husband flatly refused to let me see his bank statements but i do know that he has debts on various credit cards presumably as he used/uses his wages to buy coke most dealers will allow people to get into thousands of debt before they will start to pressure them for money.. they know that they will always get it back one way or another. usually they are satisfied with getting paid bit by bit. the scary bit is when they start using various dealers, and maybe owe a few thousand to each of them. then if the addict can’t pay back the debt, the dealer will usually start threatening to demand their family members or partner to pay the money. then the addict will usually try frantically to find any other means of payment. dealers usually just work with cash so is it possible your husband is taking out extra credit cards and making cash withdrawals? as sal said, dealers will let them get in a real mess before they stop borrowing them more, and the user can borrow off several people once they are socialising in those kind of circles. my husband owed an amount to a few so none of them would give him anymore but then he bumped in to an old acquaintance one day who he then started a tab with aswell. when they’ve maxed out their tabs with all the contacts they have that’s when they start feeling sorry for themselves because they can’t get any more and start promising to change. they’ll say anything to get someone else to pay off their mistakes. my husband was using the 99p pay at pump scam.. he was using his old card which had £1 in it and filling his dealers petrol tank. he was stealing from his lorry as he was a hgv driver. he would sell almost anything he owned. he would go on dating sites and then give the women a sob story so they would send him money. addicts are very clever. i hope it works for you. well the bubble has burst 8 weeks on. he was twitching in his sleep last night which i have figured is a sign he is using. anyway i did a secret test this morning and yes positive. i felt so shocked (don’t know why really) and hit rock bottom yet again. i asked him and of course he said no. i was out and about and couldn’t stop thinking about things so sent him a text to swear he hadn’t. anyway he replied yes he had on tuesday just 2 lines. he rang and i asked him why. reply was that he was stressed at work been really tired from doing lots of miles on bike. he was at a pub with friend and someone he knew was there most likely a dealer who gave him a couple of lines. do i believe this?? said he wasn’t harming anyone. my reply was you’re harming me. he said it was only once since our last blow up. i am so fed up with this and don’t think i can take it anymore. just feel like bawling my eyes out and we are supposed to be going away in 3 weeks. all paid for now which i was so looking forward to. haven’t been back home to see him yet as needed to give myself some time to think and i still don’t know what to do. just feel so let down and hurt again x oh debbie, i’m so sad to read this. i mean, his response in the end is plausible, but all this does is (if that is what happened) is confirm he does not have the willpower to say no thanks, i’m clean. so, now you will worry if he encounters any stress at work, or if he is tired from riding his bike…. as well as going to the pub. i’m not about to tell you what to do, but i dont think he has enough respect of what this is doing to you to quit for you, the promises he’s made are now empty. i assume you went home in the end yesterday as i’m late replying. i hope you are ok xx i can’t talk to anyone as i am so ashamed to admit it when i said this time it was for real and everyone said it wasn’t x never be ashamed! my goodness, we all pray and try to help our loved ones in hope they will stay clean. be proud that you have supported him, but also recognise you need to come first now. i tried for 11 years to support my husband with his cocaine addiction. also convinced myself everytime he crossed a certain time period he was in recovery. its love! its hope! nearly 2 years after losing his wife and children he’s still using! i’m relieved i walked away. if you feel that he still has options to explore that will help him stay clean and your still strong enough i wish you luck. it’s so hard to walk away, but put you first. much love x never be ashamed! my goodness, we all pray and try to help our loved ones in hope they will stay clean. be proud that you have supported him, but also recognise you need to come first now. i tried for 11 years to support my husband with his cocaine addiction. also convinced myself everytime he crossed a certain time period he was in recovery. its love! its hope! nearly 2 years after losing his wife and children he’s still using! i’m relieved i walked away. if you feel that he still has options to explore that will help him stay clean and your still strong enough i wish you luck. it’s so hard to walk away, but put you first. much love x you have nothing to be ashamed of! i used to think if only he could see how his behaviour is affecting me, but he could see and he didn’t stop. he’d always justify his drug use and more often than not it was always my fault. nearly 4 years after leaving him and it’s still my fault now. always remember that you are not the problem.. he is! hi yes went home and didn’t really discuss it except he did seemed pissed off with me!!! when i asked a few questions. woke up this morning feeling very deflated and don’t know what to do. the thing is that we had been getting on really well and i was beginning to think that perhaps we were getting through this. i’m thinking maybe we go on holiday   he seems to think there is no question that we’re not going by asking questions last night about it   and then when we are back i can reflect on things and see how things go. he said last time that he couldn’t promise that he wouldn’t do it again and i kind of accepted that but left him knowing that i didn’t want that and that it really affected me and our relationship. he 100% doesn’t think he has an addiction. the twitching in his sleep has coincided with positive tests and i look back on our relationship before we were married and even when we first met he would twitch a lot and it would keep me awake so he has been taking it all the time we’ve been together. before i knew i put it down to restless legs syndrome and even brought him some pills to help. he said he went to the pub with his friend and he also did this a couple of weeks ago (so probably took it then too)but they both have strava and the routes that they took on tuesday don’t match each others routes and i challenged him on this and he said look at my strava   he lies so easily!! i hate that i have no trust in the person i am married too. he said yesterday that it didn’t change him as a person but he can’t see that it does change him and my opinion of him. i was looking at him last night and feeling kind of disgusted with him and i suppose feeling sorry for myself that i had drawn the short straw and other people were lucky not to have this sort of person in their life. yesterday at a shop there was a couple in front of me and looking very happy and all i could think was i bet he doesn’t take coke behind his wife’s back. i look at my friends relationship and none of them have this problem in their life. i am so so confused about what to do and any help would be so appreciated but i know you can’t tell me what to do at the same time xx the thing you need to ask yourself is whether you can accept his drug use. by the sounds of it he sees no problem with it, and doesn’t understand your concerns. it also depends whether if you can accept it now, will it get worse, and will he waste more and more money on it, start staying out all night, sleeping all day, lie and cheat. mine got to the point where i believe he had psychosis because of his coke use, he was accusing me of cheating   and actually believed it, was staying out all night (and not seeing any issue with it) on random people’s sofas. money was never an issue, because he earned well, but my life was basically like being a single parent, but also having to deal with his mood swings and rudeness constantly. i wont go back to that life, and hopefully now he’s seen the good life for the last 2.5 years, he’ll stay this way, he’s achieved so much more clean, and he can see the results himself, and speaks of coke users with negativity. i would probably go on the holiday, but dont let yourself be fooled that this will be a new leaf, just enjoy it for what it is, and decide what to do when you come home xx hi debbie, i am very sorry you are right back in the horrible position of discovering your husband has little to no commitment towards staying clean. that’s a big blow for you. but… please do not talk yourself down for what has happened… you have been extremely kind and generous in your attempts to deal with a situation that is completely of his making. i know deep down you know that there was some inevitability towards this happening all over again, just as all of us living this life accept that relapse is an almost inevitable part of recovery. we all live on a knife edge just hoping and praying that today won’t be the day. that doesn’t stop us having faith in the good and it doesn’t stop it hurting if/when it does happen. it doesn’t make us silly, wanting the best, it’s just the way it is. i know you don’t want to give up on him, but to have a relapse you’ve surely got to actually have an intention of quitting and recovery. from where i look it just doesn’t sound like your husband is there yet, he’s still firmly in the denial camp and doesn’t see a problem with using cocaine when he wants to. and you’re the *bad one* for complaining!? regarding your holiday… i would still plan to go, maybe alone, maybe with him. you mustn’t miss out   you’ve given up a lot already (peace of mind)… every time this comes up another bit of your potentially happy life gets snatched away. if you go with him you will get time together away from drugs (unless he sneaks some along or scores while away!)… i think you should ask yourself if the time together will provide clarity going forwards, or whether it will just set you up for more disappointment in the future. addicts are self centered, self serving and selfish people. their thinking is all mixed up. looking at those ladies stories of getting out, it’s the best thing they did. if you can get out maybe you might be much happier this time next year, rather than up nights stressed, upset and hurt. how much time do we devote to these ungrateful addicts before we put ourselves first? xx i watched an interesting vid from stephen hilton earlier… called i almost relapsed… i normally struggle to watch him as i find it very triggering (all the shiny, happy, recovering addict stuff makes me want to scream i’m afraid!! it doesn’t feel shiny or happy in ny heart or soul, not at all????) …anyway… the interesting part was how the addict brain always defaults to type… ie.. reaches for the drug of choice, without constant hard work it’s difficult to not relapse. it made me think of my husband’s recent behaviour… i came the closest to splitting with him a week or so ago, as his obsessive addict behaviour really flared up. i pointed this out to him that he knows he’s acting wrong and surely if he crosses behavioral lines, how long til he doesn’t care about crossing the line and using again. no fs given! i said i was genuinely wondering if he had taken drugs and felt if he hadn’t it was very close to happening. at the time he didn’t really think of it that way and listened but disagreed. we were away the weekend and had quite a nice time, but my guard is right up around him. that super cautious mood i have around him lately finally twigged his brain, and he said that he realised that he has been slipping more and more into thinking like an addict lately. he’s going pull his socks back up again and has already. but…. in my heart (and i told him so too) … im no longer sure he can do it. here’s hoping… but if i have to call time, i will! i don’t want to live on this knife edge ???? oh faith, i’m thinking of you. it is exhausting living on the knife edge isnt it. i was meant to be away in the usa in a months time for work, but i can’t do it. my anxiety thinking about not being here is so high, i’ve made my excuses and won’t go. we went out to an event a couple of weeks ago, and i was worrying about that for weeks, because i knew alcohol would be there. i needn’t have! he’s fine, i’m not always. i’m ok when i know i’m in my good place, and home with him and our child, and i’m fine with him being at work, its just if he was out of an evening i would be a wreck. without trying they have taken our souls away too x so true! i feel a little like his babysitter a lot of the time…. when we’re out, keeping an eye on him all the time (he’s perfectly okay drinking, but i know he feels emotionally triggered a lot when going to certain places, seeing certainpeople etc… as am i!) then worrying if i’m not home what will he do… i feel so duty bound to be there not necessarily to prevent drugs happening, more because i know he is going to be reminded about how in the past he couldn’t wait to get rid of me so he could use freely. i know he suffers with the guilt and self loathing. he’s off to cardiff with his business partner in august and for few minutes i thought how nice, i’ll take the kids to see family in scotland or cornwall…. then minutes later realised i just can’t do that. he won’t be able to handle coming back to an empty house, he just won’t. i know it’s his consequences, but i know how much it would hurt him. and… there is a very small, tiny… but real possibility that he might be possessed by the addict’s mind set… i can’t risk that. yet at the same time as my logical side says *what will be will be* i think of how the kids would feel if as a result of a nice trip away our family life was forever forfeited. you’re right … our souls have been destroyed too… sometimes i feel so overwhelmed with sadness and resentment, i wish there was a way to turn back the clock but there isn’t and whatever way we go is painful x sorry for being so cheerless on a nice sunny day x oh yes, the old logical side   there isnt any logic anymore is there! no rational thinking for us. i used to say to myself, ‘just let him get on with it, and live your life’ if only it was that easy!! xx yeah… some wives/partners muddle along with living with an addict… in this house we were at his/its mercy… impossible to live with!!! he’s been better this week anyway, a bit moody bc it’s hot but i’ve been gardening so i’m too tired to indulge his silliness ☺ hi so have had a little time to think. spoke with him just now and he says his job is so stressful and that he is having a horrendous day and thank goodness he has a happy life outside of it and always looks forward to coming home. bit gobsmacked like he is in complete denial of what has just taken place. i think he is also trying to make an excuse why he took it on tuesday. anyway i yet again seem to have forgiven him but not sure how much forgiveness is left in me. i have decided to go away with him on our trip and will deal with the consequences on our return if it happens again. luckily i don’t think there will be any way of him getting any on holiday as we are going on safari and then to a small island. i would be horrified if he even tried…i think there will be time to talk while we are away and let him know exactly how he makes me feel with no escape to go anywhere else unless he gets another flight home but know he couldn’t afford that anyway. it is horrendous for us to have to live this life and the more it goes on and i forgive him i’m thinking how weak i am to let him walk all over me. i’m lucky in the way i have grown children but know exactly how you all feel as my last husband was an alcoholic and i stayed for their sake but eventually he had an affair which gave me a thankful reason to leave him. my children suffered greatly because of his behaviour and are now thankful that we separated. i think i must have a tendency to pick a certain type of person!!! i listen to all your advice and am very thankful for it and that i can talk to people who know exactly where we are coming from xx good day everyone, my name is crystal haynes i am here to testify about the spell caster who i met online who helped me in saving my marriage which has already collapsed. i meet him online and his name is dr akhigbe he told me not to worry about my husband that i should trust him that my husband is going to come back to me within 48 hours which i did, now i am happy once again because my husband is here right beside me we are happy together again i want to say doctor god bless you abundantly amen. you can reach him is youtube channel https://youtube.com/channel/uchrgkr8racfeiqaj7qhr_8q hello, i’ve been reading through all of your posts and i’m so sorry some of you are still fighting the same battle, it is so exhausting isn’t it? i thought i’d give a little update. since his relapse 2 weeks ago he’s doing well. he’s going to work, helping in the house and he’s signed up for the support group in our town. he’s seeing his therapist this week too, and i think he’s finally admitted that he can’t do it on his own. he’s also accepted that cannabis is as much of a problem as cocaine. i’m struggling. i can see he’s feeling good and motivated, he’s doing all the right things. it’s not been a bliss since his relapse, we had couple of arguments, but nowhere near as bad as we used to. i’m really trying to keep remembering how far he’s come. he’s been using pretty much everyday in the weeks before he told me about his problem, he’s spent 3 months in bed after he confessed, barely eating and smoking weed for breakfast. our friends have been amazing and i’m so grateful for them. but seeing my friends happy, leading normal lives really makes me feel like i’m missing out. i’m going on holiday next month with a friend, and i’m already worrying about him staying here on his own, especially if he starts struggling again. at the same time i do feel like i’m slowly checking out, trying to do things that make me feel happy, and bracing myself for a disaster at some point in the semi near future. hi glad that he is making progress but like you i do feel that i am checking out slowly and also looking at all my friends relationships and wondering what i did to end up with this and also am waiting for the next episode to happen and don’t know how much forgiveness i have left in me. hope you’re ok another day and another positive test. he slipped up and forgot to flush the loo this morning. yesterday and wednesday evening were horrific the way that he was talking to me and treating me and couldn’t understand how he could be so so nasty but now i know. it was like he had verbal diarrhoea of completely horrendous things coming out of his mouth accusing me of doing things i hadn’t done and then completely ignoring what i was saying in protest to the accusations. just horrible and then in the next breath talking to his son on the phone and being so nice. completely broke this month and still somehow buying coke. 2 weeks till we go away. and then 3 weeks away then going to see when he next takes it and i think that has to be it. or else do i accept that this is my life and that i am married to a coke addict. devastated yet again x oh gosh debbie, you really do have to wonder how much more of this dreadful behaviour you have to subject yourself to xx it doesn’t matter if it’s the addiction speaking   it’s you who is listening and feeling, having your self worth eroded. he clearly has no intention to alter his behaviour at the moment and that is a painfully unalterable fact. the way i see it you may have a chance at genuine discussion in the 3 weeks away, but from what you say i wouldn’t put it past him to sneak a little stash on board. i know people who have transported personal amounts of substances over the air routes …. shocking i know (i’m paranoid enough when obeying the rules!!!!)… but you have to remember that these addicts have crossed the line years ago, there is no longer a sensible, moral line for them to adhere to. i feel for you so much… can you take a friend or your daughter instead? or even go it alone like in the end of a great movie or book where the heroine gets her life back and we all know she has great things ahead after a terrible time!!!! my husband is still up and down mood wise but thank the lord drugs aren’t involved as your post reminds me of those godawful days and nights of disgusting and irrational nonsense xxxx big hugs and be kind to yourself on yet another devastating morning on your journey xxxx hi thank you for your message. i will go away i think with him and it may make him realise when he next takes it and i find out when we are back what he will be missing as i’m pretty sure we will get on well on holiday as he will be coke free   god forbid he if he sneaks some on board and if he does i hope to god he gets caught unless he puts it in my luggage!!!   perish the thought….i’m so done with crying and even if i do there is absolutely zero empathy from him. he is actually disgusting come to think of it. i now know that when he treats me like he has that he is taking coke as no normal rational person that is supposed to be in love with you would behave like that. i actually now crave his boys to come down so i don’t have to spend time with him. it’s funny how he can be so caring and lovely to everyone else except me when he is taking it. i suppose it’s because i am the one that knows about it and is trying to stop him and he is so resentful about this. last week when i found out he had taken it he said to me that it doesn’t change the person that he is and he’s not hurting anyone. i just can’t understand how he cannot see that he is such a different person and has a personality transplant when taking it. it’s like living with a monster. next time i am going to try to record him when he is on one of his tirades and then play it back to him when sober so he can actually see what he is like to me. x hi debbie, oh goodness, this sounds like he’s getting worse. it sounds like my husband, its like living with someone with a split personality, and you never quite know what you are going to get form one day to the next. the problem is that the bad days start to outweigh the good, if they havent already, and you’ll hang on to the glimmer of the good days, even though they are few and far between. i used to listen to him on the phone to anyone else and he’d be totally fine, then he’d speak to me like he’d just trodden in me. its because you/me are the ones who are trying to get him to stop! so we are/were the enemy in their messed up brains. i understand why you want to go away, and why you want to do that with him, and i’m sure you will have a lovely time. but its not the real world anymore, a clean holiday is just a sticking plaster, and it will fall off when you come home. its paid for, so do it, and enjoy it, but i can’t think it will make any difference because he’s totally in denial. take care of yourself x well i’ve woken to another nightmare day. i said to him last night that i knew that he had been taking coke again as i had done a test and it was positive. he slept in the spare room and no idea what time he actually went to bed. i promised myself i wouldn’t say anything but unfortunately a few glasses of wine and it all came pouring out. i didn’t sleep at all last night and went in to his room and asked him to come to ours and he said no and i was lucky he was still there. shocked again   i really don’t know how much more i can take   it’s so exhausting and i don’t want this life. i feel i may have jinxed our holiday and he won’t come sadly but maybe that is a good thing i don’t know. i don’t know what to say to him today but i know we have to talk   any advice would be good. i know not to be confrontational. i also know that he promised me after last time that he would tell me if he ever took it again   yet another lie x hi debbie, i’m not sure what to say. this is classic addict behaviour. him saying you’re lucky he’s still there… in what crazy world is that lucky? but they say it and they believe it’s normal to say that. look at this rationally, you’re not having an affair, you’re not a drug addict with mood swings, you’re not wasting money, you’re not doing anything wrong. all you are asking is that he stop using cocaine, for his health, his mental well being, your relationship, for money reasons. yet you are being blamed for causing ‘this’ just because you want him to stop doing something you don’t like or agree with. it’s like coke addicts have all read a crap book on how to be an asshole to your partner…. they are literally all the same!! this situation will destroy you slowly if he refuses to accept he has a problem or accepts it but won’t do anything about it, it amounts to the same thing. they all lie, they all hide stuff. they’re secretive and then blame you for being suspicious! this isn’t what normal relationships are like. i don’t know what to tell you in terms of how to handle it. just be careful and if you need to leave. leave xx thanks ash. well asked if we could have a proper talk and his response was no thanks. maybe anger, guilt r doesn’t care. no idea where to go from here as he’s not talking to me 🙁 been thinking about you, are you ok? the silent treatment is painful, sending love x thanks ash. yes ok   yesterday was horrendous. silent treatment all day and anger because i had accused him and he said he hadn’t   while i was out he did a test and it was left for me to see and it was negative. did one this morning and also negative so a bit confused. he was so angry with me saying that i had embarrassed him in front of my daughter and her boyfriend which i hadn’t done. i had got a bit upset the night before about my father who is being abandoned by my step mother and being put in a home. he wrongly assumed i was getting upset because of him. we had gone out with my family on thursday night and last night he said that he hadn’t wanted to go out with my ‘spastic’ family   so incredibly rude and spiteful. today he is fine   so weird. i really don’t think i can put up with this nastiness for much longer so when we get back and he starts again or tests positive i am going to have to have a massive rethink about what i want in my life. think he is a narcissist?? x hi debbie, firstly, are you sure the wee in the toilet was his, not one of his kids? if it was his then that’s likely to be the accurate one, i’ve known people cheat the tests quite easily. unless you saw him actually wee in a pot (even saw the wee coming out   gross) and hand that pot to you to test then i wouldn’t believe it! believe me, they’ll do anything to cover their asses x yes that is what i thought although the wee today was definitely his x there is nothing you can do until you take action. respect yourself. realise it’s going to take strength from you. that is going to hurt you and it will be painful. he/she has to work it out for themselves. they won’t give a hoot at first when you either leave or ask them to leave. infact they will probably feel free and binge crazy and won’t even think about you. they will say hurtful i sensitive words. just ignore them. walk away gracefully with head held high. just sit and watch and say (from a distance), call if your really struggling but please keep out of sight. leave me be. slowly it will cut away from them. they will then get as low as it needs to be to wake them up from the denial in hell they are living. if your love is as strong as you believe   then you will be there. but my god will you become stronger and one word out of place   react and walk away again and again until they get the respect back. let’s face it, they have lost respect for us because we have made it too easy for them. whether they believe it or not, they will have lost respect. it’s the process for you both. whether that is long term who knows. what will be will be. but my god you have to think of you because no one else will and you are responsible for your own life. you have chosen uptil now and not happy. sad as hell, why me, what have i done. absolutely nothing. you didn’t cause it you certainly cant control it you can’t cure it it’s hard. take care x the problem is that even if say this time he is totally innocent… it’s entirely his own fault that you might be suspicious   these are his consequences. sadly he is an untrustworthy liar. it comes with the territory. there is much work that he can do to regain trust, but it has to come from his side. he has to accept the facts as they are   he is a liar whose word is currently meaningless. consequences! my husband was an untrustworthy liar for the duration of his active addiction, i am learning to trust him again (still after 16 months) because he is able to prove his current honesty and because i can see the shame in him about his lies. it is still not where it could be… i am always skeptical about what i hear. but i put it to the test and things ring true thus far. as for cruel comments about your family … all part and parcel bc he knows they’re not keen on him probably. they see him being awful to you and he knows it. if he isolates you from then he can control you better and take better advantage of your kind nature. also… why does he allow his son to take drugs at your home? yet another grotesque abuse of your hospitality. surely drug use is something you would forbid under your roof   for a multitude of reasons? the sheer horror of my husband using that stuff here in my home is part of what tipped me into breakdown. it’s soo utterly wrong. he knew this and went ahead. okay… part of my reason is we have kids (our youngest daughter was only 8 and our son 11).. and grandkids and there’s a huge safety risk in that… but it’s completely inappropriate and a total abuse of trust to take class a drugs into somebody’s home against their wishes. it even puts them potentially in breach of the law ffs. sorry … it still makes me very angry ???? ???? anyway… sorry to hear your dad is having a bad time too… you should be getting support from a loving partner at this time, not emotional abuse by someone who yes, is definitely behaving like a narcissist. as cocaine turns people into cold hearted narcissists, whether they genuinely suffer from that disorder if free from drugs. x hi fnf i am still totally confused how he can be so adamant that the test was wrong when it was so positive   maybe when i was out he just dipped it in water. his answer was maybe my daughter went for a wee in my loo when i didn’t know   she doesn’t even take coke although in the past she has at festivals only. i know it is his fault and yes he has to earn my trust but don’t think it will be there for a long time yet especially as he has let me down every time he has promised me he won’t do it again and i’m sure there will be more of this down the line! and yes he is a complete lying s**t   it makes me so angry that he tries to blame everyone else except himself. his son wants him to go to henley with him the week before we go on honeymoon along with his son’s friend who bought the coke last time and all i could think of was they are going to do coke so i’m going to say before he goes that i am going to test him on his return and if he is positive i’m not going on our holiday with him. it will be really interesting to see what happens…i totally agree with you that the reason that he puts my family down is through embarrassment. i am absolutely going to voice to them that they are never to bring drugs into my house again and if they do that will be the last time they come down. it’s interesting that recently he has mentioned on several occasions that it is his house too like yesterday i made a comment about what were we going to do and he said i’m just sitting in my house watching television. i really am getting the impression that if we split he is going to make a claim on my house which really worries me. he is still belittling me tonight and i look at him and am starting to feel nothing for him x hi debbie, sorry to jump in but have been keeping up with your thread for some time now. and as a partner well now ex partner of someone suffering with cocaine addiction my heart goes out to you. i can’t commend you enough for how much you are fighting and holding on to hope that he will change i understand you love him. but what about you? how are you? is all this uncertainty making you feel good? in my opinion no matter what we do they will only change if they want to, no threats or ultimatums or losses will make a blind bit of difference! i’ve found that out in the last two years. it’s also the treatment they dish out too it’s unacceptable addict or not! i’ve been like you going round and round in circles with my ex and finally had enough he kept pulling me in then pushing me away every time he used or drank. i was so mentally drained and the anxiety was unreal. i was so scared to pull away believe me, but like you i am starting to become numb, there’s only so much fighting you can do for someone that’s not fighting for themselves. anyway hope your okay as that’s the main thing. decide what you want to do base your happiness on you, not the outcome of a situation or what he’s doing hope that makes sense. much love x ahh thank you so much. i actually am crying right now. i don’t know where to go from here. i love him but hate him too. he is for sure thinking that i can’t control when or if he takes coke. i don’t want to be married to someone who takes it especially when he can’t afford it. i feel that he resents me for trying to stop him. i just want a normal life with a loving person that isn’t a drug addict. it’s so so difficult xx hi thank you for your message   a lot of what you said resonates with me and every bit of help that i get on here means a lot. he now says i don’t love him and am just in love with the idea of being in love with someone. how ridiculous is that?? does he honestly think i would put myself through all this for the last 4+ years. no one in their right mind would want to willingly go through this. i am starting to distance myself from him though as i just don’t know how much more i can take. its not just the lying but the nasty narcissistic behaviour that makes me question myself as a person. he says i always ruin every weekend and when was the last time we had some fun. if he had actually talked and listened to me instead of throwing horrible comments my way and had stopped ignoring me this weekend we would have had a chance. anyway its just under 2 weeks now till we go away so i am going to use that time to see how we actually do get on. xx hey debbie, it’s no problem at all honestly we’re all sadly in the same boat and it’s a living nightmare isn’t it! i can’t agree more with what waltonfam has said she is spot on! it’s typical addict behaviours finding us or normal things boring the only thing that excites them is drugs sadly and what a miserable life that is. they are impossible to talk to or get close to they push all help support advice away and it’s so draining for us as the fixers and partners losing ourselves to fix them. we really do have to say is it worth it? they won’t be who they were before without getting clean and a lot of self reflection. if they could see clearly they would be so shocked at how they have treated us! i really think unfortunately with some all the support in the world doesn’t help just enables them as they don’t need to change when they have it all there. i do hope for you that these two weeks go smoothly because above all else you need some time out and a lovely break! take it easy and day by day try not to look to far ahead & also backwards too thinking of who they were as it just upsets us more not them. sending love x so i just voiced my worries about him going to ascot with his son and his son’s friend and his reaction was. jesus we’re married i’m not your prisoner. how do i react to that xx leave him and get yourself some space. this is not fair on you or anyone having to live like this. space, learn and watch x leave him to enable you get yourself some space. don’t leave on an angry note, be calm, proud and confident   not shouting and giving him ultimatums. you don’t want to hear those words they find no remorse in saying. this is your prescious life too. keep a distance, ask for no contact, don’t respond. distract yourself. this is not fair on you or anyone having to live like this. give yourself space, learn and watch. see how you feel, be strong   you may surprise yourself. either way this is toxic and doing neither of you any good and your both in ruts that are getting repeated because neither of you are doing anything but voice tit/tat. action it instead and show you mean it. end of day, this is addiction speaking, not who they were. your not helping them by trying to care, protect, talking. your the enemy. nagging is enemy that is trying to stop then feeding their addiction. xx i tested again this morning as he had left a bit of wee on the toilet seat   it didn’t travel up the test stick so dipped it in water to get it to go up and guess what   positive. he had also removed the last test i had upstairs but little did he know that i had some downstairs too. bizarrely he had asked me to bring a pot up so he could test in the morning. most likely would have dipped the test in water. this whole thing is so wearing me down and i look and feel terrible x i think the tests that you do without his knowledge will be the accurate ones debbie, i have in the past done the same as you, also used the water hanging around in the drain of the shower my husband had, which was always positive too. i read a post on a different thread from a guy called jamesb, he’s in recovery, and what he wrote about how addicts see partners who dont use will provide clarity for you. ‘to reply to your current situation, him being angry at you all the time and going in other rooms etc. you to him (well his addiction) right now are literally an obstacle, you’re in the way. imagine he has a little voice in his head that is the addiction. that voice doesn’t like you. it tells him to avoid you because he cant use infront of you. you want him to stop you are not okay with it. that voice (the addiction) in order to survive needs him to believe that using cocaine isn’t the problem, everything and everyone else is the problem. i know this because i used to do the exact same thing. he will snap and tell you he needs someone to love him but in reality giving him affection and love right now will be near impossible because all he wants to do is be alone with his little voice and get on it. even though deep down the real him knows that you aren’t the problem and that he is the one in the wrong his addiction wires his brain to genuinely believe that you are bad. ]this is because as an addict he will always play the victim, that’s a coping mechanism to bridge the 2 parts of him the decent part or the guy he was and the addicted side. without that, when he wakes up the next day and he is back to feeling himself, he would be overridden with guilt for all the bad things he says and does due to his addiction so the outcome is that he feels a victim, he tells himself he’s the good guy and everyone wants from him. he tells himself the grief of losing his dad is why he gets on it. ( i did the exact same for years when losing my parents but the truth is after a while i wasn’t grieving, i was just an addict). the bottom line is right now he is in full frontal denial.’ its on the message someone called navy started, called ‘unhappy’ you might want to ask an addict in recovery how you should deal with this. he also gives advice on his post about how to challenge him in the right way. please take care of yourself   i know only to well how this eats you up, i went from 11st to 8st, not being able to eat and also nervous energy, my nervous system was fully on all the time! i’m tall, so 8st was skeletal! x just read through that unhappy thread myself and it is very moving, and sad. it really brings it home what a horrible situation we are all in, we’ve all got our own personal stories yet every single one of us suffers in a similar way, and it puts us in such a difficult position of trying to overcome our heartbreak and work out what to do for the best. i hear what jamesb says, they need love and support, but unfortunately many addicts have all thatin the first place and throw it all away. he does acknowledge that sometimes you have to look to your own self preservation and walk away. even if it’s just temporarily. it might be the shock they need, yet the countless stories on here prove that sometimes there really is no rock bottom for a great many addicts. in the 12 steps they learn that they are suffering from a progressive illness, which leads eventually to death. it can be halted but only by the sufferer. ash, myself and waltonfam are the *lucky ones* .. our partners have faced down their addictions. yet our hearts are still broken and we are still suffering from the outfall both internally and with children who have suffered greatly too. it’s never easy to walk away but if there is an easy option in this life i don’t see it. our addicts made their choices, maybe they didn’t forsee falling into addiction, but it’s somewhat bloody obvious using addictive substances regularly might not work out too well. love does not conquer all unfortunately ???? we have to love ourselves first and foremost xx we have a child (10) and she has anxiety already, i’m sure it is because of things she was exposed to in her younger years. she saw him in a rage, smash my phone, talk to me like shit, saw me upset although i tried my best to hide it in front of her, she remembers not being picked up from a childcare setting because i was in another town working for the day, and he was asleep at home (i had to get the neighbour to come and wake him up). i truly hope she doesn’t remember as much as i think she can, but i see her stand up for me in minor disputes now, and then i can remember her comforting me when she was so young and she just knew something was wrong even though i had shielded her as much as humanly possibly living in the same house. what a mess they leave. hopefully now 2.5 years in, the good memories will outweigh the bad and she will begin to forget. x that’s so sad. at least she is young enough that you have plenty of time to reverse some of the damage. unfortunately our kids have seen much, much worse. they’ve suffered many days and nights of us fighting and arguing. yelling, screaming, hitting eachother (not instigated by me), stuff smashed, pushing and shoving, holes in doors and walls, before the drugs, off the scale during the drugs and even sometimes since… though absolutely on any scale like before. and unfortunately they are much older too. my son is actually doing ok. he is 14 and frankly it brings tears to my eyes to see how chilled out and kind and loving he is. he loves us both and just wants to live in a peaceful house. i do worry a lot about him internalising his pain but we talk a lot. though he doesn’t like talking about his feelings i encourage him to do so. he has given many hugs to me when the sh1t has hit the fan, though inside i’m dying that he has to know of such things but i’m so proud of the young manvhe is becoming despite all this. my 11 yo daughter however is not in such a good way. she is traumatised. she is angry with us both. she has seen and heard too much. she has her own issues. we think she has adhd. and also my husband almost certainly does. she is so angry at the world. she has self esteem issues. she has even self harmed. we have been trying to get her assessed is cahms for adhd since she was 6. it’s awful. when she goes, she sounds like her father. the things they say could be interchangeable. i see in her his issues. i am afraid she will end up on his road of self destruct. if he doesn’t shape up, and stay shaped up her future is at risk. i’ve told him straight i won’t allow his behaviour to hurt her in her own home any more. it was a shock for him to realise just how seriously he has damaged her. hopefully enough? who knows…. he is an addict… do they ever really stop being themselves? god knows xxx when i was feeling suicidal over all this stuff, the fear of him wrecking their life chances if i didn’t stay around soon made me remember my place is here. i’m here for them, not me but then i found the sun did come back out and i’m glad i stayed to fight another day. sorry it’s a depressing post! all addicts say the same things, treat people the same way, see us as boring and not fun to be around, start not liking our family, lie, sometimes cheat, “this isn’t love”, look at you blah blah. it’s an addict   they are ill. if you were living with someone who had dementia, would you expect them to remember everything………… addicts need help. you can’t do it with words. this may be self inflicted but that stuff has pickled their brain and now they are ill. damaged their brain. he has to reach bottom! but! he has to want this for himself. nor do this for you or anyone else. until then, you will not get this person back. he will find a way of getting stuff. if he tries to go cold turkey on his come down, he will be just as bad as when on it. i feel for you. i have been there with my husband. 5 years and it makes me shudder what he was capable of. he went to rehab, and has now got the personality disorder which is common after drug taking. having therapy and realising his actions we endured breaks his heart. he doesn’t remember most of them. i only stayed with him because i had had 22 years previous sign him and knew he would hate the person he became. good job i couldn’t hate him. but i was so firm in the end. bit over my head and indifferent and , ok no problem smiles with others and pleasant did my own thing theres the front door hun off you go, he hated it. whose the boring one now whilst he lay in bed after his come down. i was off enjoying my kids and family. he is a changed man now but somewhat proud. baffles me…….. proud he could beat it because he knows so many that couldn’t. this is the man i knew. i have been lucky. he needs to see and admit and get help. that is strength you need to step back, think if your life and watch/wait. you may wait, you may walk. be strong xx for sure   you need to look after yourself, because an addict sure as hell won’t or can’t. whichever it is   they dont. hi waltonfam, i popped on your username and read the post that you wrote recently and it brought tears to my eyes, it’s so horrible what their behaviour has done to our kids xx i’m going to write a proper reply later but you are not a bad mum and neither am i, we have done our best. i see a lot of similarity in our situations. take care xxx hi all, i’ve been reading through some of the comments here but there are just so many. my life has been turned upside down with the revelation from my husband that he has been doing cocaine for the past 1.5 years not daily but quite regularly. he said it had started to spiral out of control recently which i found out about when a letter from the bank was received to say the mortgage payment didn’t come out. i questioned him and he came clean. basically we both keep some money in our own accounts, he pays the mortgage, i pay the other bills then he sends money to me for the savings account but the amounts he have sent me have been quite low the past year or so. he said the past couple months he has been living in agony with funds going low in his bank with the cocaine and days off work unpaid due to holidays etc, i just wish he had of told me instead of lying to me. there have been many occasions where he has come home seeming off but said he wasn’t drinking or on anything but now i know it was cocaine. i’m just so annoyed at the fact he has lied to me i don’t know if i can get past this. he says that’s it he’s done and also doesn’t want to drink anymore either as he is terrified at us breaking up but i just can’t be sure he will tell me the truth. he always lied about stupid things and knows i think lying is the worst thing in a relationship. i don’t know much about cocaine addiction to be honest so i don’t know what hes saying is true or not. he really has come clean about it all and is determined never to take it again, he said he knows he can do it and its been a week and a half now already. is there ever a happy ending in this? a quick reply from me x yes… you can get past this up to a point but it won’t be easy. you have to really love someone to be able to come through this together. the addict needs to do the work though, otherwise we are at risk of enabling them. a lot of addicts think they can stop but in reality it’s not that straightforward. i would honestly recommend drug testing on a routine basis because it takes the accusatory mood out of it… and then you know for sure one way or the other. it avoids a lot of awkward suspicion. in terms of getting clean… 1.5 years is a relatively short period to be using this drug… some put away 30+ years. my husband was secretly using for 2.5 years. it basically means that the longer the habit has persisted, the harder it will be to break it. some manage alone, or with suppprt from loved ones. i made my husband go to ca. it did him a world of good and woke him up to the kind of person he has been. it took the weight off my shoulders. one more thing though…. this discovery has probably knocked you for six! please remember to take great care of yourself over the coming weeks   you might feel okay some days but others completely on the floor and devastated. we’re all in this boat together and you are not alone xx hi thanks so much for the reply. i haven’t spoken to anyone else about it and feel like i am going mad. the initial shock is horrendous i cried for a couple of days and also felt queasy for a few days due to the stress. i feel better now and won’t let myself get into that mess again. yes i’m going to buy the drug tests and randomly surprise him. he said we can go through his bank account every month and he’s going to start sending me the money again for the savings so i should be able to see that he isn’t buying drugs. i just can’t believe this is happening to me. i’m not even sure i do love him enough to get through this. i take it your husband is doing good now, that is great to hear. i have had a long chat with my husband about when he took it and he said during work (he’s a labourer) and if we were drinking in the house he would sometimes have taken some but not all the time. he said he doesn’t take it every day like he wouldn’t take it at the weekend when we aren’t doing anything in the house and i do believe him. i just want to know whether i can trust him going forward or not. he is giving up drinking also as although it isn’t a problem the two may go hand in hand. its been a week and a half since i’ve found out and he said he hasn’t taken any and he does seem normal. there were maybe times he has come home from work strange and i knew there was something up but he always completely denied it which hurts so much in itself. i plan to read through some of the stories and chat with everyone to try and get through this xx another quick reply from me as i’m off to the optician to try contacts in a minute! about these drug tests… personally… and obvs it’s your choice…. i wouldn’t recommend going cloak and dagger and randomly popping them out… he might feel pretty cornered and you could end up with things blowing up in your face! personally… i think you have every right to insist that he is provably clean.. for us i do not want someone on class a drugs around my kids. full stop. use or stay. the choice for the addict to make. you want to be here… prove you are clean! that’s me though. so… we did daily tongue strip tests. every night before bed. in full view so no shady fake result tactics. i even did a couple to show willing and normalise it. went through a few packs but over time it became less important as it was clear he had no intention of going back to the circle of misery. he wanted out. as for the lies… it’s a horrible, horrible feeling having been lied to in the way these addicts do. it’s like icy cold fingers clutching at your insides. it sounds like similar to me with various little snippets and memories are clicking into place and it’s just the worst. as i say 1.5 years is long but it’s not unfixable. but it has to come from them being honest every day and yes, you will be second guessing a lot and need proof sometimes. from what you say your addict is relieved to be out from that horrid place of lies and misery. hopefully he is genuine and it goes the right way for you. my husband is 16 months and 1 day since he got caught and he is doing okay… he has his faults and a lot of work to do but thankfully sneaking around taking drugs no longer features. hope you’re okay today xx lots of love oh .. i saw you haven’t spoken to anyone in real life… i cant recommend highly enough talking to at least one friend or family member… what you’re going through is massive and distressing. you shouldn’t have to go through it alone smiling and pretending all is fine when inside you’re dying. people understand a lot better than we might expect. gotta go… x hi, doing ok today thanks. just things pop into my head and it just upsets me that he lied to me at the time. we are married nearly 4 years but together 14 years so it’s nearly half of our marriage. i always had a feeling he was lying about something i always had a feeling in my gut and even though i kept asking why he’s strange had he taken something he always said no and it sent me crazy. now i know i was right and he told me i was right every single time i questioned him. i just don’t understand how an addict works so i cannot fathom why he thought it would be ok to lie. he did say it was killing him and there were times he was distant he said since when he did take it he didn’t want to come near me because he knew he was doing wrong. we don’t have kids just the house so it would be easier to leave but this is my first relationship and i don’t know anything else so its always going to be hard to leave. he mentioned himself he’s going to stop drinking too as it triggered him and he said himself he’s hit rock bottom and excited to start a new chapter. it’s whether he actually is going to or not, because of course he has lied all of this time. we spoke about testing and he said he will do whatever it takes so i have bought them this morning and i will do them every 2 days or so maybe. i just feel crushed at the fact this is my life. i’m still young only 31 and wonder if this is how i want to live my life but don’t want to run at the first hurdle as it could get better. but then don’t i deserve better too? someone who wouldn’t lie to me. he has young parents and grew up differently to me, his parents would have been partying and going out all the time and drinking loads is just a normal thing. not that im making an excuse but i think he looks at drink and alcohol differently to i would. i’m glad your husband is doing ok, how are you doing? i can’t remember if i asked this before if you didn’t have children would you have stayed? i asked a question on reddit and wish i didn’t, people are very judgemental. also yes i haven’t spoken to anyone yet, to be honest i feel embarrassed. once you tell family that’s it, they know. i have a friend currently going through a separation as her husband was taking cocaine, messaging girls, was controlling etc and although our problem is just the cocaine and lying i still worry about the judgement. i think end of the day he is telling me he has stopped as he doesn’t want to lose this relationship and hates the fact he was doing it. also the lies and misery just like your husband. he said he was ready to pull his hair out at times. i suppose there is no clear cut answer and no ones situation is the same, only i can decide what to do 🙁 xx hey bythesea, ive been a bit crazy this week but it’s so good that your husband wants to prove himself clean. we’re the lucky ones in this nightmare. he sounds as if he wanted out. addiction is misery. the word originated from the roman word for slavery.. makes sense right!? any addict who tells you they are happy is lying to themselves, it’s misery but their brains are all mixed up.. i recommend you read up on the facts of addiction. knowledge is power! healthline is good and i went on lot of recovery centre/ rehabs web sites. when you understand the mechanics you can understand why they behaved the way they did. talking is also key… you’re both stuck with horrible memories… complete opposite sides of the same coin. i found talking through these bad memories helped me understand how sorry and regretful my husband is. it also helped him understand how hurt i am. it’s painful but it helped us understand eachother. i’m sending this one now as my sausage fingers keep hitting cancel and this is my 4th attempt grrr x continued… yes… we do have kids… two together ages 11 and 14.. plus he took on my other two who are agrs 23 and 28… 28yr old has two daughters. we have been together 19 years and married 15 next month. in answer to your question… no i don’t think i would have stayed… but… it was the pressure of family life and running a business that gave him a massive chip on his shoulder… that’s why he started. and he has always had temper issues and various problems. i think he has undiagnosed adhd. we were going to the rocks before he started and that’s what made it easy for him to disrespect me the way he has. i wouldn’t have stayed with him anyway apart from the kids! however when he did the 12 steps he learned what a total ar$eh0l3 he has been all his life. he’s left a trail of destruction. he also met people (recovering addicts) who have had it really, really tough… he has led an easy life, yet he’s always carried this huge chip on his shoulder. it was an eye opener. however his behaviour still csn be problematic. it’s a work in progress. i am always on guard but at least i know the drugs aren’t a threat. xx hi! do you think you would have stayed if it was just the drugs and not the behaviour before? we have had problems before maybe twice where he has had a drink and not told me, and the only problem in our relationship was the drinking and drugs. even though the drinking wasn’t necessarily a problem he had done stupid things like had a beer or two and drove home even though he knows not to. so he has said he is done with drinking also and that he feels better not having had drink or drugs in 2 weeks. he said he is looking forward to this next chapter but i just feel down about it all. we talked about it yesterday but i feel stuck in a rut and it frustrates him at times because although he accepts the mistakes he wants us to move forward but i struggle. i’ve never done anything to hurt him before so in that sense i don’t think he understands. the drug tests came today, he actually told me to get alcohol ones too so he can prove both. i just worry that he will slowly go back to the drink and maybe the drugs and when i voice this he says he won’t and to let him prove it to me. i just feel down the line there is a looming disappointment and maybe that’s the wrong way to look at it but i feel like i want to prepare myself. i have even standoffish but today i woke up feeling better about moving forward. i get a pang of pain when people say they would leave if they didn’t have children and i feel thats what maybe is best as we have no ties like that but then i feel we should maybe give it another shot as this is the only problem we have. even during the drugs he didn’t take them every day and his behaviour was pretty much normal. there were days i knew something was up and i used to ask if he had taken something or had a drink because his voice was different but he always completely denied it and that’s what kills me, because he lied directly to my face. i think i want to keep trying for now but when i think of leaving i sort of get a sense of relief. if this was the only problem in a relationship would you be inclined to give it another chance? as i said above he’s let me down before regarding drink etc. hope you’re having a good day today! x well that is of course the million dollar question! however what i can say is this: if you’re relationship was good before the drugs and you had a good future planned, and your partner wants to make amends and give you that future it’s worth staying for a while. you won’t know if you don’t try. but…. all too often these addicts just can’t help their behaviour and there has to be a point where we can jump off the sinking ship before it drags us under. where that point is will be an entirely personal choice, and it will be a difficult, painful choice too, especially if kids/mortgage/etc involved. you have to do what is right for you, and sometimes that will involve drawing a line and cutting free. i will do exactly that if i ever discover my husband has been up to his old tricks, and if he doesn’t keep his behaviour on track. i think he became complacent recently and that’s how his behaviour started to slip. he’s had to go back to the drawing board a bit. remember his 12 steps etc. i did some research when he had been horrid last month, and i think if we part ways i will get a decent divorce settlement. this is a huge relief to me as i no longer feel trapped where i don’t want to uproot the kids. we shall see x hope everyone is ok this week and our addicts are going the right way!!! ???? hi faithnotfear, sorry for the late response. it has been quiet on this forum lately. we have been doing ok the past while, he has been taking the drug tests which have been positive and he has no problem taking them (although sometimes he can feel a bit offended). i believe that he hasn’t taken cocaine from he told me but sometimes it just hits me how much he lied to me and how long for. there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to break up but there’s also another part that i don’t think is able to get over the betrayal. we had been doing fine lately but yesterday it just hit me again and i’ve been feeling down about it since. i’ve been reading old posts from people on reddit and mumsnet and i’m not sure whether i’m just naive for staying in my situation or if those commenting are being harsh not having lived in the situation themselves. we don’t have children, i’m sad he took cocaine for about 1.5 years without me knowing and lied to my face every time when i asked why he would come in acting strange sometimes (i thought it was drink never once thought cocaine). as we don’t have children we don’t have the stresses other families may have so not sure why he would start doing it. sometimes i think he sounds a little different coming in from work like before but the tests are always negative and he says he’s just wrecked (construction worker). i suppose i’m just looking to vent my feelings as i don’t want to speak to friends and family over fear of being judged. i also think telling people will be the end of our relationship. i have a close friend who’s just ended her marriage due to other reasons but he was also taking cocaine without her knowing. she only told me this when she decided to end the marriage. i think because she has ended hers that it’s playing on my mind why i should stick around after having been lied to. husband hasn’t drank either from he came clean about the coke which shows he is being serious but i feel like i can be living on eggshells just waiting on the disappointment again even though he insists he will never lie to me again. its just hard to know if he will tell me the truth, i’ve made it very clear that if he lies again that is it. is anyone else having a hard time at the thought of ending things? i haven’t been on here for ages. but it’s just over a year since i found out that my husband , of five years has been lying to me from the very beginning. i suppose i find it difficult to use this site on my phone and i’m not really sure where the messages begin and end and which end of the conversation i’m replying to. but the best part is it doesn’t really matter. i knew a little bit about cocaine before i found out everything i know now. because i work with quite a lot of people who take cocaine recreationally?? i think i’ve since decided there is no such thing as recreational cocaine. i’ve had a good think about it and i think that if you’re taking cocaine more than half a dozen times per year. you are definitely an addict! and that addiction only ever grows . i’ve never taken cocaine so from that point i can’t even comment on how addictive it is. but i know so many people who take cocaine is ridiculous. but it never stops you from seeing the signs with your loved ones. i never noticed from my husband because he was so good at taking it. but i know he only has three moods . number one mood cocaine perfectly happy calm and reasonable. number two mood come down grumpy reactive to everything silent lethargie and general bad mood. mood number three and inbetween mood which is subdue in the want for cocaine by having alcohol instead. my husband left me over a year ago because i dare ask him if he taken cocaine on the weekend. i’ve since realised it’s pointless trying because every time you try a halfway house you try and be kind. kindness i don’t think really works. maybe the only way is to be brutally harsh but fair. and realise that that individual has to get so low themselves before they can pull themselves out of the pit . that cocaine addiction has produced. i’ve heard an excuse for everything. and a reason for everything. but i’ve yet to hear him admit that he has a cocaine addiction. i’ve seen his nose bleeding i found cocaine. i’ve seen the weepy nose. i’ve seen the ultra happy and the ultra low. i’ve yet to say reality! i forgot to say in my original post that even though i’m only 1 year wise to my husband addiction. i’m aware that he’s been using drugs   cocaine for 20 25years . so he well used to cocaine and has definitely been using cocaine for over 6.5 years that i’ve known him . so somewhere between 6 25 years taking drugs but not quite at the point where he’s ready to admit he has a problem. apologies sometimes you get so bogged down in the haze of the horror . you forget the minor details ???? hi i only recently found out about my husbands addiction and it has floored me. i can’t stop thinking about how much he has lied to me over the years when i questioned why he was acting strange. now he tells me that yes he was on cocaine then even though he kept lying to my face saying there was nothing wrong with him. it’s been nearly 2 weeks now and i do believe he hasn’t taken anything as he says he has hit rock bottom and will never touch it again. im going to buy drug tests online and randomly surprise him to see if he’s keeping his word because if he lied so well before then how do i distinguish the lies now? how has your relationship been now, maybe i should go back and read your story. i see you say he isn’t ready to admit he has a problem. did he say how often he takes it and how much? i forgot to say in my original post that even though i’m only 1 year wise to my husband addiction. i’m aware that he’s been using drugs   cocaine for 20 25years . so he well used to cocaine and has definitely been using cocaine for over 6.5 years that i’ve known him . so somewhere between 6 25 years taking drugs but not quite at the point where he’s ready to admit he has a problem. apologies sometimes you get so bogged down in the haze of the horror . you forget the minor details . although the c.a reference was a good refresher to hear so today he is acting as if nothing has happened and still has not admitted to me that he has a problem. i just don’t know where to go from here. i want to say so much to him but he just gets angry and i wouldn’t trust that lies weren’t coming out of his mouth. i want to know if he owes money to dealers, how much he is in debt on credit cards and his bank, how often he has been taking it, how long he has been taking it, if he wants to stop (which i don’t think he does). i want to say i don’t want class a drugs in my house. i want him to sign a post nuptial to protect myself. i want him to say to his son not to bring any coke near him. i want a happy life going forwards but i don’t think i could ever trust him not to relapse going forward. i think my mental health has hit the bottom and i just don’t know what to do. i wish i could be strong enough to say this isn’t what i want out of life and to leave him when we get back from holiday. it’s all such a mess and i am reading so many unhappy situations on here  sorry for the rant x welcome to the rollercoaster world of life with a cocaine addict. you don’t know from one day to the next what they’ll be like, you dont know what you can say without making them angry, you can’t be you anymore, you dont know how to be 🙁 i’m so sorry you are going through this, i’m sorry for everyone going through this. i wish i knew what to say to make everyone magically able to know how to cope with existing in this chaos x debbie, i am so sad for you in what you write. it really does hurt our mental health so badly. please keep going and remember that you have done nothing wrong to deserve this terrible situation. realistically we can’t control anything in this, except how we ourselves react. deep down somewhere inside him i’m sure he knows how rotten he is being but to admit to one thing would unravel everything and that addict mindset cannot allow that to happen. he is in denial and lies to himself more even than you can imagine. i hope you will still manage to go on your holiday, i think you need and deserve it. i don’t know if going with him is the greatest plan but maybe this holiday is the catalyst for change. i am so sorry that you’re still stuck on that merry go round x oh debbie i totally relate to everything you’ve just said it’s like banging your head against a brick wall isn’t it! they don’t give you answers they are so blasé about it all like it’s not an issue and we are the crazy ones worrying about their health finances our future and so on. they are so laid back about it all you feel like you just want to shake or smack them sorry but it really annoys me! they don’t realise how lucky they are to have us and take everything for granted & most likely don’t realise until they are on their own or we’ve walked away and even then they may not change. as much as this place really helps me, it can be quite daunting at times when your trying to hang onto hope to see so many stories that have no light at the end of the tunnel also seeing the new ladies who like us have just discovered they have an addict for a partner and endlessly search the web until they find this forum. it’s awful, and i hope you’re okay maybe you need a break for abit from him no big decisions just yet may do your mental health some good. just a thought sending love x hi debbie, i was wondering how you’ve been getting along? it must be almost d.day for your holiday and i wondered if you’re able to still go with or without him? x faith not fear. our stores are so alike i double check it’s not my post i’m reading………..go girl x xxx tell me about it!!!!! i read your other post and wondered if id stepped through the looking glass!!!! i will reply properly when i get time… ive been gardening a lot this month… it’s my therapy and it has to be done when life allows. stay strong lady… we can do this and our children deep down know we are there for them, and always have been, and always will be!!! in time they will understand we have done our best with impossible circumstances. big love at ya ???? hi everyone, i hope you don’t mind me jumping on this thread and i hope you are all holding up ok, i’ve been reading all your stories and really feel for everyone going through this horrible situation xx i’m feeling so angry with my partner right now, the way he acts when he’s been doing it is vile, we mostly just don’t talk but it’s like walking on egg shells. he’s so manipulative he’s sucking up to our son who’s 3 with chocolate and youtube so he wants to be with him and not me so i feel like it’s a constant competition (we can’t stay in the same room as each other). he thinks i don’t know he’s doing it but i’ve been testing him so at least i know the truth but it’s making me so angry knowing he’s constantly lying and now i wonder how many other times i haven’t realised and he’s been doing it…. sorry to rant xxx hi everyone, i hope you don’t mind me jumping on this thread and i hope you are all holding up ok, i’ve been reading all your stories and really feel for everyone going through this horrible situation xx i’m feeling so angry with my partner right now, the way he acts when he’s been doing it is vile, we mostly just don’t talk but it’s like walking on egg shells. he’s so manipulative he’s sucking up to our son who’s 3 with chocolate and youtube so he wants to be with him and not me so i feel like it’s a constant competition (we can’t stay in the same room as each other). he thinks i don’t know he’s doing it but i’ve been testing him so at least i know the truth but it’s making me so angry knowing he’s constantly lying and now i wonder how many other times i haven’t realised and he’s been doing it…. sorry to rant xxx hi fayzey so sorry to hear you are going through this. do you know how long this is going on for? will he sit down with you and have a conversation to go through it all? it can really be heart wrenching and i myself don’t know where my feelings lie in my situation. husband lied to me for 1.5 years and i only recently found out. i hope you’re doing ok xx since i’ve posted my own story i’ve been catching up on these threads. i’m sad to read so many people suffering similar hardships with their partners and can relate to the whirlwind of emotions you’re going through. it might not mean much from an internet stranger but i salute you all for sharing your experiences and for your strength in facing them. i wish none of us were in this unhappy club and i wish you all the very best for a positive future. i’m going through to same thing, i’ve been with my husband for 7 years. i had no idea he was taking cocaine until our son was born in 2017. i threatened to kick him out, pushed him to seek help from frank and even paid £1,000 with a hypnosis man called dr wald it didnt work! one day he got very aggressive and angry and corned me in the corner and raised his hands to hit me. my 4 year old boy witnessed this and something just clicked in my head and i had enough i went to the police station. i never called police on him this was the first time i done this so he would hit his rock bottom and wake up. social services were in my life. he attended his na appointments. anyway i kicked him out it’s been 5 months. he said he now wants to change 100%. he is telling me he is clean but is still being a complete ass to me. like when ever he visits us he just looks depressed and he blames me and says it’s my fault i kicked him out and i’m treating him like a toy. he’s not as angry and aggressive like before but more depressed. so whether he is clean or not who knows. i’m thinking to make him do a test next time i see him. i will never ever let him move into my household because i need to protect my children. he’s still abit angry and depressed man. i love the peace in my mind and in my own space. i’m on a stage now what do i do? do i wait and see if he changes….and be by his side. or do i just break the marriage. i still love him but i’m not happy and i don’t trust him i feel like when i was living with him was the biggest nightmare of my life. he was so manipulative back when he was as on the drugs and even now still trying to manipulate me into me feeling guilty that he not with me. but the truth stands i’ve woken up and realised what i will tolerate and what i want. and as a mother i will dare have social services come back to my life again. i felt so ashamed so degraded having social services come into my life. i’m a good hearted person my boys are excelling well at school i have a good job but my husband is the complete opposite because of this evil drug. i pray that he leaves me alone and take responsibility because he keeps side tracking with false promises. he just lies to me and trying to fool me into thinking that he is changing for me and the kids i just don’t believe it. i’m so shocked to see so many women going through this with their husbands absolutely shocking. i just want my husband to be kind, loving no lies and treat me with respect and give me peace and harmony in my life. i think i’m dreaming. hi all, i need to get this off my chest somewhere. i found out two days ago husband was still taking beers during work as i asked to see his bank statements. he said he was buying for someone else but i told him to pack a bag and get out. he has been at his parents for the 3rd night tonight and he has just admitted to me on the phone that he has also been taking coke the odd time even though we have been testing at home (less frequently recently due to me starting to trust him more) and has been telling me complete lies about how he hasn’t taken anything at all since he gave it up in june. to say i am devastated is an understatement. its like he wants to hurt me and our relationship. he is coming back here tomorrow to talk and we have a tripped booked for next weekend but honestly i feel sick to my stomach. i haven’t even cried i’m in that much shock right now. i feel like this is the beginning of the end. i told him last time if this happened again its over and he didn’t listen. i would be stupid to let him come back. the thought of going through a divorce and finding a suitable place for me and my cats is tearing me apart i can’t believe it. hi everyone. well we went and had a wonderful trip and i had started to trust my husband again. however today he forgot to flush the loo before leaving for work and guess what   he was positive. i hadn’t tested him since july and am devastated. i don’t know whether to confront him or stay quiet but i know me and it will be on my mind the whole time. i can’t believe he has done it again. any advice as am at my wits end as we had been getting on so much better xx hi debbie that is devastating, i have previously read your comments and sorry this has happened. has he admitted to having a problem or going to see someone? there is an addiction centre in my town and husband said he is going to call today as he wants to see someone. i found out 3 weeks ago my husband was still using 2 months after telling me about everything and in those 2 months he continued but let on he was clean. i threw him out and he said one night he came back just for a chat and told me everything. he said since that (3 weeks ago) it was the realisation for him as he told me everything and hasn’t taken anything since. he has seemed normal and there aren’t any large suspicious transactions from his account but it’s just so hard to trust again. we don’t have children and i wonder if it’s best for me to just leave now. we have been together for 15 years so he is all i know in a relationshipship. i actually was testing him on and off during those 2 months and the tests were coming up negative even though he would have used a day or 2 before so i just wish i had better tests. tbh i don’t even think i want a life of testing and checking the bank account. i know the best thing for me is to leave but i know its going to be so difficult. hi everyone. well we went and had a wonderful trip and i had started to trust my husband again. however today he forgot to flush the loo before leaving for work and guess what   he was positive. i hadn’t tested him since july and am devastated. i don’t know whether to confront him or stay quiet but i know me and it will be on my mind the whole time. i can’t believe he has done it again. any advice as am at my wits end as we had been getting on so much better xx hi debbie that is devastating, i have previously read your comments and sorry this has happened. has he admitted to having a problem or going to see someone? there is an addiction centre in my town and husband said he is going to call today as he wants to see someone. i found out 3 weeks ago my husband was still using 2 months after telling me about everything and in those 2 months he continued but let on he was clean. i threw him out and he said one night he came back just for a chat and told me everything. he said since that (3 weeks ago) it was the realisation for him as he told me everything and hasn’t taken anything since. he has seemed normal and there aren’t any large suspicious transactions from his account but it’s just so hard to trust again. we don’t have children and i wonder if it’s best for me to just leave now. we have been together for 15 years so he is all i know in a relationshipship. i actually was testing him on and off during those 2 months and the tests were coming up negative even though he would have used a day or 2 before so i just wish i had better tests. tbh i don’t even think i want a life of testing and checking the bank account. i know the best thing for me is to leave but i know its going to be so difficult. i know that is exactly how i feel   should i stay or go. we don’t have children between us but have 5 in total from first marriages. i also can’t bear the thought of having to check constantly and really thought we had turned a corner   i had to keep looking at the test strip in case i got it wrong but i hadn’t. we just had our second wedding anniversary and he was very agitated so i suspect he had some then which was 2 weeks ago and recently he has been so stressed at work so maybe this is why he has started using again   who knows. i just don’t know whether to confront him today/tomorrow…..? he has taken to flushing the loo every morning since i was testing him at christmas and every one was coming back positive but this morning he must have forgotten   i really thought it would be negative and am so shocked that it was positive x it’s hard to know what the right thing to do is. have you spoken to anyone about it? i think i might tell my parents, i know they will be supportive but i’m scared that once it’s out there there’s no going back. i have a best friend but she split with her husband due to other reasons but she found out he was taking coke in secret for years. i feel i can’t really talk to her about it because that relationship ended. i’m thinking about going to couples counselling because i have never felt the way i feel right now, i feel my brain could explode. it really is everywhere though, so many people take it. my husband got it from someone he works with (construction) and he will continue to work there which is the hard thing for me. even though i’ve looked at the bank account i just still can’t believe him. i wonder do we really only hear about the relationships ending badly here (apart from faith who gives me hope) because those who have recovered move on and don’t post about it anymore in fear of dragging their mind back into the past. do you share a bank account or can you ask ask look at his? i’m sure it was really shocking to see it was positive when you have let your walls down again to trust him. funny it is out 4th wedding anniversary tomorrow and i feel stuck in such a horrible place, i’m not even sure if i can find the love after this. hi there, i am sorry to hear you are struggling, i know of a fantastic charity that would love to support you . they are based in oxford. please have a look on their website   you can also fill in a referral form. https://adaptoxford.org.uk. i know numerous people who have had support from them and done exceedingly well. they offer free treatment. thank you for this   i will take a look now x reading all these is bringing back the pain. there is hope out there honestly if they want it. my hubby is now 1 yr drug free not alcohol. he no linger leaves the home for anything other than work or for us going out. but… and there is one he is now extremely paranoid due to longterm drug and drink use not that he realises. i did ask his dad for help 5 years ago we had a good relationship and from that it’s now ruined. he no longer speaks to me as my hubby told him i was a liar. this hurt but i’m a strong bird . we have to be . i actually write it all down on my phone and i call it my ramblings. i was reading back 4 years the other day and its heart breaking and i wonder why i’ve stayed. i hope that some of you cam find peace and some sort of normality xx reading all these is bringing back the pain. there is hope out there honestly if they want it. my hubby is now 1 yr drug free not alcohol. he no linger leaves the home for anything other than work or for us going out. but… and there is one he is now extremely paranoid due to longterm drug and drink use not that he realises. i did ask his dad for help 5 years ago we had a good relationship and from that it’s now ruined. he no longer speaks to me as my hubby told him i was a liar. this hurt but i’m a strong bird . we have to be . i actually write it all down on my phone and i call it my ramblings. i was reading back 4 years the other day and its heart breaking and i wonder why i’ve stayed. i hope that some of you cam find peace and some sort of normality xx hi she, thanks for sharing your story and it’s heartwarming to see that you stayed. it makes me a bit sad that you say you wondered why you stayed though, if we move on i worry that i will think this in the future. do you know how long he was taking the drugs for? i think even if hubby was clean in the future would i be able to move on from the past? all the nights he came home denying that he was strange. my husband has now phoned the addiction centre and is booked in for assessment. the woman said they are completely inundated with calls from people in the last 5 years and that he is not alone. it just shows how out of control it is getting. that’s awful about his dad, i guess this is just the extent of lies an addict can be capable of. i haven’t been to therapy myself but would you consider it? i’m wondering for you to move on would it be a good idea to delete those notes on your phone in order to move on from the past? sometimes when i come across my past comments on here it drags me back again so even though talking about everything helps a bit it also makes me anxious when i see a notification coming through! x thank you for your replies   it helps speaking to people that know what you are going through. i have told a few close friends but they all say to just leave as it will never change and i’m starting to think that too. the trouble is that he won’t admit he has a problem. my biggest dilemma right now is do i tell him i know as i am scared of the arguments/lies/him leaving yet again and if i don’t tell him that means i’m enabling him to carry on. i’m so sorry you are dealing with the same sort of situation too although you are a few steps ahead of me and i really hope that you get things back on track without cocaine. right now though i can’t really see light at the end of the tunnel and this is my life which i so don’t want as he has promised me so many times before x thank you for your replies   it helps speaking to people that know what you are going through. i have told a few close friends but they all say to just leave as it will never change and i’m starting to think that too. the trouble is that he won’t admit he has a problem. my biggest dilemma right now is do i tell him i know as i am scared of the arguments/lies/him leaving yet again and if i don’t tell him that means i’m enabling him to carry on. i’m so sorry you are dealing with the same sort of situation too although you are a few steps ahead of me and i really hope that you get things back on track without cocaine. right now though i can’t really see light at the end of the tunnel and this is my life which i so don’t want as he has promised me so many times before x it’s difficult that he won’t admit it’s a problem, i worry my husband is only pretending he is ready to change too with addicts being liars and that. i can be cynical in order to protect myself. everyone’s situation is different, it depends on how he reacts to you when you talk to him about it. in my situation husband is fine to test (even though he was actually using some days before and passing them!) but would your husband react badly if you asked? from what i read they really need to be ready to change and that we will never actually know. thank you i appreciate it, i hope we do too but i am sceptical at times if this is ever going to go anywhere in the longrun x well we had a blow up last night   i just couldn’t keep it to myself. he even asked me to retest him which i did and it was positive and finally admitted that he had taken it with his son. told him it was over as couldn’t be with someone that i had no trust in anymore and who lied to me all the time. he went to bed and then was gone when i got up this morning so who knows what is going to happen he did quit the coke decades ago   just like i hoped he would (and you are hoping for with your loved one), but he is not the same guy that i fell in love with all those years ago. that guy was sincere, attentive, always loving, happy, transparent, caring, supportive, charming, engaging, my rock. this guy is remorseful, full of anxieties, brash, guarded, sad, selfish   and sometimes the qualities of the younger guy that i fell in love with. i see the younger guy sometimes   but i want that guy all the time. since that is the guy i want, i’m always trying to find him in there. but, what do you expect? he decided coke was a good idea all those years ago. coke was created by the devil. sometimes i wonder why i didn’t leave him all those years ago. he was awful. i didn’t know what was actually happening, and i refused to believe that he would turn his back me, but he did   totally. coke changed him. he didn’t even tell me the truth until i finally had the guts to confront him just a few years ago. the truth is, for me anyways is that sometimes i wish that i would have left him all those years ago as i think that overall   my life would have been better. and, sometimes i am happy that i didn’t know about the coke until he quit it (5 years after he started it) and that i didn’t know that he cheated on me during the coke years until just a few years ago, as i know that i would have left him and i wouldn’t be with him now. the point is that we can’t go back to where we were before he started using coke. we’re not the same people. we still love each other, but we are both broken in some ways. he hurt me so badly emotionally, and like you   i didn’t deserve any of it. i am determined to get past it, but the damage is great and it really hurts. all these years later   so much. how can he make it up to me? i’m not sure that he can, especially while he continues to carry around his baggage from it and sit in it. i want to believe that he wasn’t well during those years, and many times i believe and feel that he is really remorseful. his guilt is and has been a heavy burden for him. but, it’s not my fault and i have suffered enough for things that i had nothing to do with. i have been the loyal and loving wife   always. i deserve so much better then what he did   and he knows it. and, so do you. marriage is for better or worse, but did you really expect this much worse? we all f*** up. this is true, but a person can only take so much. hello all, i’ve not been on for a few weeks, as ive been throwing myself into family life and trying to give the kids the summer they deserve for the first time since covid/the coke years/the aftermath. by and large things have been okay with my husband in that he hasn’t taken drugs, but yet as thistime has just precisely describrd he is not the man he was. i can’t work out whether the coke changed him, or whether he changed in order to tell himself that sneaking around our family home taking drugs was a reasonable thing to do. i think maybe both went hand in hand. he wasn’t an addict to begin with… he thought he had it under control. i can stop when i want… laughable. since he shouldn’t have been doing it in the first damn place. a conpulsion he couldn’t control… yet he could control it enough to be sly and devious and cruel. hmmm. that’s one only those inside addiction can truly understand. anyway i digress…. he just simply is not a functional person any more. it’s like he completely forgot along the way how to be a decent, useful, autonomous member of this family. he is rude, argumentative and detached a lot of the tine. i will be honest… i can’t be bothered any more. for example… he hates his work and has taken to moaning endlessly about his partner. it’s turning into a huge and poisonous resentment. yet he does nothing to resolve the issues. it then in turn makes me feel dreadful as he implies i make him go. yet… before the cocaine occurred it was our shared dream for him to provide enough money for me to stay home and look after everyone. he then gets snipey and jealous if my daughter complains about her job/takes time off. it’s like he has the biggest chip on his shoulder and is setting himself up to be some kind of supervictim. he even complains about the kids school holidays as *they’re not fair*!!!!! can you believe it? we all had the same holidays growing up. haven’t our poor kids suffered enough without being sniped at for sleeping in on school holidays and weekends? if i sleep in sonetimes im selfish. yet he forgets i have chronic insomnia as a direct result of his actions. yet. if i’m tired he complains! if i don’t do chores im lazy. if i do do chores it’s inconvenient he feels i should do my chores during the day… which i do. yet… newsflash… jobs need doing in the evening too!! and i think he can’t believe our children are actually autonomous people with their own lives and views. they make a lot of work and are time consuming. they’re meant to be that way. he seems to resent me spending time in the evenings talking to them rather than being at his beck and call. yet if i pull him up he says it’s fine… in the manner you would think he was doing a great favour. then, rather than getting involved in the conversation or whatever he goes off to another area of the house and sits on his phone ignoring everything. he literally does not seem to stop complaining. ever. i’m so tired and bored of it all. he never used to be this bad. i miss the man i fell in love with. i even miss the man i was reminded of when he had begun the recovery process. all i see is a rude, dysfunctional complainer waiting to tell me how bad his life is because of other people. take some personal responsibility ffs. please!!!!! he even wrecked my 24yr old daughter’s birthday being argumentative and rude….. then complained in bed that i wasn’t being very loving. i was trying not to lose my shit tbh. a blazing row won’t help anyone. i feel all my energy goes into negotiating his moods. i am close to walking away as all that circles round in my head endlessly is… what’s the bloody point??? my strongest advice to anyone is get out of shit relationships early doors. dont hang about putting yourself through the mill, trying to be nice, hoping it will change. it generally doesn’t. even if no drugs are involved. it’s always hard but it is better than ending up like me. wishing things were different and kind of stuck in a web of family life and mortgages. 15 years of marriage that feels like a bloody sham. i don’t want to break the kids homes up. but they’re growing up fast. littlest is 12 now…. freedom is coming for me even if i sit and do nothing. addiction wrecks everything. that was some major offloading!!!! and bythesea… despite what i say you must not feel guilty or ashamed for staying. especially in front of your closest friends who probably understand wholeheartedly the dilemma we all face. and it is a dreadful, horrible dilemma. wanting what we thought we had and not wanting to throw away that chance of getting it back. we have nothing to feel ashamed of. nothing to feel guilty about either. we did not ask for this and we did not deserve this. the mess is not of our making. we have been thrown into a different world and all of us are coping rge best we can under dire circumstances. nobody can say or even guess what the answer is. i just really wish our addicts had used the common sense they were born with not to go down that road that they chose. but realistically it’s not that simple. nobody sets out to become an addict. quite what they expect to happen when regularly consuming adfictive substances is a mystery to me. however it’s all on them. not us. we can only stand by in hope and sometimes walking away is the only safe option for ourselves. we have to put ourselves first. ???? hi everyone   not been on here for a while and changed my name as had a sudden paranoia i would leave my laptop open. still really struggling with our relationship. went on holiday last month and was terrible. i didn’t realise someone could continue to be so nasty (completely nice to strangers on plane)   i was looking to fly home and we had only just got there. eventually had a talk and he said if i left him he would throw himself off a bridge and was full of tears and sorry. one night we were all out (we went with his sons and his mum) and i found him trying to buy something off a guy (not sure what it was either weed or cocaine) but managed to stop the transaction. also had a heart to heart with his eldest son who he seems to have been taking it with the last few times i found out. i said that if he took it with his dad and i found out that would mean the end of the marriage. he didn’t really seem to see that there was any problem that his dad took it but then i guess he doesn’t know the full story. we still haven’t been getting on except one weekend about 3 weeks ago. this weekend it is his middle sons 21st and he is having a party here which his other sons will be at too. i said last night that i needed to speak to him about this weekend and he immediately knew what i was going to say and said he would speak with them and i could test him. i still don’t really know what to do as now the house is on the market in order to find somewhere nearer to a station for his commute   am i being completely insane   i’ll let you know how things go this weekend x morning everyone   the day after christmas day   the day my husband left. on the night before christmas eve he twitched all night in his sleep, a sure sign he had been using again so i stupidly confronted him on christmas eve and he wouldn’t take a test. shameful to admit i attacked him   i think my brain had just had enough. we were going to have such a lovely christmas with family but it ended up with him leaving with his boys on christmas day and we’ve had no words since. everyone in my family is saying this has to be it   he has let me down so so many times. i’m feeling so emotional especially as he bought me such thoughtful presents this year. i know this has to be the end   it was a long time coming. i naively thought he had actually stopped as he started taking antidepressants as he had hit rock bottom about a month ago. any advice would be so welcome as i just don’t know how to cope especially as my 2 kids are going to their dad’s today, boxing day and i am going to be alone with only my thoughts and my little dog. he took the other dog out of her home in the countryside to london to live now. my one is very quiet and i’m sure misses her friend desperately. i can’t stop crying and think i need to talk to someone. x hi lizzie, how are you? what’s happened since christmas? mine was completely ruined along with new year’s eve which i spent alone. i have to admit i’ve lashed out too a few times out of sheer frustration from this crazy making behaviour and lies. hi he still hasn’t come home not that i have asked him too as i just can’t carry on like this anymore with the nastiness and constant lies and deceit. sorry you spent new year’s eve alone also. what happened? hope you are ok. he had blocked me on everything and yesterday unblocked me but i sent him a message just now but deleted it before he read it as thought better of it and so now i am blocked again on everything. i am feeling desperately sad but at least he has told all of his family now and says he is getting help and that he wants us to be together again but i think i have no option but to divorce him as all house etc are mine and the longer i stay married to him the more claim he will have. if he can get better then maybe we can start at the beginning again. maybe a completely crazy idea as i am so fed up of being let down and have zero trust left x oh no.it’s so heartbreaking and confusing, it’s like you don’t know what’s real or not. christmas day he had been up all night from night before, left our house off his head on drink and coke and went to his family, i gave him money to put on grave for his family which was spent on drink then received lots of paranoid phone calls. he came home boxing day 4am tried it on as if nothing happened. i spent the next few days really upset and angry as was hoping for a normal christmas. he left and went on a 3 day bender starting new year eve and had promised to be home and was missing for 4 days. when he called me he was wanting to come home, i refused, he offered to take me for food and pay back a little of money he owed for parking tickets (car in my name) i declined and said i’m going away with friends for a peaceful weekend. which is the first time in 2 years i’ve done this. he then went on another bender and from last night to today when i arrived home was messaging off his brother number off his head pretending to be his brother telling me he’s coming to hotel and to give me a heads up etc and asking for room number as was paranoid. i knew it was my partner messaging off his head again and not brother which his brother confirmed. ruined last evening and morning away. he’s become so paranoid he’s deluded. im going to tell him i don’t want anything to do with him till he gets into treatment again if that’s what he chooses. i don’t know how i feel anymore. it’s all mad. feel like i don’t know him. the behaviour is rather narcissistic and his empathy is lowered by the coke. i’m depressed and exhausted as i’m sure you are. have car on finance in my name which he pays but he can’t keep up with the tickets he’s incurred so owes me money for them. 5 more came after new year that i cannot afford.what a complete mess eh it’s good that he wants help but like u said u have no trust all the blocking is horrible for you and confusing have u spoke? x crikey what an awful christmas for you. has he only become paranoid since taking coke and has he managed to get off it before. my husband never went on benders with it but i always knew when he had been taking it. was very narcissistic and would often sleep in day times at weekends. was also drinking heavily and taking antidepressants as he had started to become so nasty, putting me down and making me question my sanity. he now has apparently written me a letter which should arrive wednesday so will be interested to see what it says. haven’t spoken as such only email and crazily i had suggested we talk when he comes to pick up his stuff on sunday. i so wish i could hold grudges but i do know that i won’t be able to trust him for a long time and without trust what is a marriage? we have been together since april 2018 and married in august 2020 and i think i first found out about the coke in around may 2019 or maybe earlier and stupidly went ahead and got married. anyway we will see   i am exhausted by all this as i’m sure you are x well i have had a shock wake up call. i met up with my husband yesterday after living apart since christmas   we have kept in touch by text and occasional phone call. he firstly laid into me verbally accusing me of basically ruining our marriage taking little responsibility to the fact that we have split every time because of his cocaine use and awful toxic behaviour towards me for at least the last year. it all kinds of makes sense now as he has admitted he is a coke addict and that he took after christmas but finally he is getting help by attending therapy along with going to meetings at na. even though deep down i knew he was taking coke a lot more than i thought, i had been in denial that he was an addict. anyway meeting didn’t go well he called me nasty unrepeatable names, was crying, saying he was going to kill himself and has blocked me on every angle. any advice would be gratefully received as i really don’t know what to do now as so worried about him x hello everyone, i cannot believe i have found this page. thank you. finally someone is saying exactly what is in my head. i am hoping g that by keeping reading what you have been through i will be able to put my big girls pants on and file for a divorce. so, here it is. i have been with my husband since i was 16, he was 18. we got married when i was 33, i am now 51. we have 3 amazing children 16, 14 and 11. my husband has always ‘dabbled’ although i didn’t realise how much. last september my friend caught him picking some up at tge bottom of our road, i asked, he was nasty and of course denied all knowledge, hurling abuse and making me doubt my sanity. december i receive a white envelope, which he had removed from the house and put in the car, stating that we had a ‘charge order’ on the house and this is when the lies blew open. after this he left a wrap (used) in the middle of the floor, of course swearing blind it wasn’t his. i have found them in pockets, behind the sofa cushions. i have challenged him and asked him to leave for the sake of the children. <p style=”text align: left;”>until the last 2 months i had no idea how bad it is and how complicit i have been. he has had massive paranoia, he believed at one point that i was having an affair with my neighbour ( he has put a camera outside for ‘security’). he has said that the same neighbour has taken a contract out on my life. he actually believed this.</p> he has paid nothing towards the house or children for 3 years, and now i realise not much before and i have allowed this to happen. i found out 2 weeks ago that he was known in his old local pub for ‘it’. he doesn’t go out, except work, he has jo interest in anything other than himself and berating me, when he lowers himself to speak to me. lost the plot when i stopped doing his washing!!!! i have asked him to leave he says i have more money than me and i should leave, i said it wasn’t safe, he lost the plot. sooo now i have realised, that this has been going on for 20 years on and off. it has now become a way of life, and i have luke a prat enabled him to continue this double life. i have spoken to a solicitor and she has said that apparently pornboften goes hand in hand with cocaine. so i have now a husband who has more unopened letters than anyone could believe. debts on the house, and a wife who cannot get rid of him. so a question, how can i get him to m9ve out????? i am at rock bottom, not sure how much linger i can cope, the emotional stuff. the two eldest chikdeen kniw we are splitting, tgey think it is money and some alcohol. i have 2 businesses which i have built. i employ 56 people, i need to function, i need to survive thank you for reading xx i am very sorry you are going through this   yet another poor wife a victim of cocaine addiction. i have now filed for divorce as we can’t even spend an evening together without it going toxic and now he has put his ex wife before me and that is too much for me to cope with as i am way too far down the list of his priorities and not where a wife should be. i don’t know if he is still taking it as we have been apart for a while now and met on a handful of occasions. he doesn’t know that i have filed and will be informed on may 1st and i know that he is going to be really hurt but the last thing he said to me was that he wanted a divorce. i am heartbroken yet again and just can’t go on living this life anymore. am i doing the right thing   i have no idea as i still love him desperately but the longer we go on the more likely that he would be able to go for my assets and i can’t risk that as our relationship is so volatile. maybe once he is better if he ever gets better we could start again without marriage   i am at a loss and so so sad x my husband has dabbled in cocaine for years , i thought it was harmless and not very often , (i have learned the hard way it’s far from harmless) this past 5/6 months he has been avoiding me in the house ,spending a lot of time in the bathroom & in his small office (doing paperwork) , we have been together 19 1/2 years will be married 10 in august, we have 2 daughters , we had a great marriage & friendship, we done everything together, if one was away from home we missed each other , i knew something was wrong i just didn’t know what it was , i felt so low , craving his attention, my oldest daughter said she felt the same , we had a massive fall out 12 weeks ago then another one 10 weeks ago cos i asked him to get out of bed at 4.40pm on a sunday afternoon, he had a constant runny nose and always complaining about being sick leaving work, sweating , when i sat him down 10 weeks ago to see what was wrong he said he didn’t know if he was happy , and wanted time to see if he could be happier on his own , i respected his wishes , i went to stay with my mum cos he had no where to go, he was happy to let me think this was the case, i have learned from a lot of people he is a known cocaine user , he has got so selfish only thinks about himself but does show me kindness , he has never been violent, i just feel i don’t know him anymore what i have had to do this last 10 weeks i don’t know how i done it , i’m back in my own home with my 2 daughters , he is at his elderly parents, i think he has been on it hard for about 18 weeks , he is a completely different person, he told me he didn’t love me , then said i do love you but you are better off without me , i pray he will snap out of it , has anyone had a husband who has seen what devastation they have caused and wake up, i have uncovered a lot of behaviour i never thought he would do i am shocked and cocaine consumes my mind morning noon & night , we don’t hear from him very often maybe once a week , it’s so annoying cos he looks so normal and seems to be having a grand time to himself pops88: sometimes it is difficult to decide who has it worst   him or me. my addict spouse has great remorse, shame, and regret for what he has put himself and all of us through. i am sorry for everyone who is going through this madness. my husband and i are currently separated. our cocaine journey started 3 years ago, in january of 2021 (and i call it ours because it’s torn up both of us). in january of 2024, my husband decided to go on a binge in our apartment. previous to this, he usually would hide his drug use from me. december 2023, he spent every friday or saturday night (sometimes both nights), all night long, in the living room by himself, talking with friends, or at least that’s what he said he was doing. he would drink an entire bottle of whiskey (750 mill   a large bottle) until 6, 8, to 10 am in the morning, and still be wide awake. these weekends, i remember waking up at 5 or 6 am in the morning to realize he was not in bed with me. feeling worried, crushed, angry, and disappointed, i would make my way out into the living room and yell at him. i didn’t want to yell; it was out of pure frustration. i knew in my heart something was wrong. his actions made no sense, and i was so uncomfortable. i would then try to engage to see what was the matter. i’d ask, “what’s wrong? are you okay? please talk to me.” but he would always say, nothing is wrong, it was his weekend and he was relaxing. in my opinion, these are the actions of someone who is not happy. it’s not normal. however, according to him, nothing was wrong. he was fine. he just liked staying up all night talking to his friends; it was a way for him to relax. he thought my actions were ridiculous and controlling; he used to say, “who wakes up at 5 am and starts yelling?” after an all nighter of drinking, he would sleep all day, or he would be awake and still be kind of drunk. maybe i’m a control freak, but that also made me uncomfortable. i knew his hangovers must have been disastrous. i didn’t know how he was out of bed sometimes. i kept saying to myself, “okay, so i guess i’ll have a lot of time on saturday and sunday to do the things that i want because he will be in bed all day. f*** it!” so, this binge in january of 2024, this time, it was all out in front of my face, and it seemed like he didn’t care. he spent two days drinking basically any alcohol that he could get his hands on and using, being incoherent, staying up all night, and doing drugs off our kitchen table, playing his music. while this was happening, i left our place because i didn’t feel safe. i stayed at a hotel on saturday night, and it was soul crushing. to be this betrayed by the person that was supposed to love you. a day and a half into the binge, after having left and returned to our apartment several times to see if this hell was still happening, i found his phone. side note: to this day, i have never checked his phone in our marriage. but on this day, because i am an idiot and i have a hard time seeing drug use, i took his phone. i wanted confirmation that he was using. i wanted to see the text to/from a dealer. what i got was way worse. i took his phone; he did not know that i took it because he was so incoherent. i found over 8,000 texts from and to another woman that were explicit and descriptive that an affair occurred. it was not just an emotional affair; it was a physical one as well, that lasted for 3 months. some of the stuff that was said in the text was unreal, and to this day, it’s still hard for me to believe. i never thought the man i married was capable of cheating on me. there were also multiple days after his binge in january that he remained really messed up, and i don’t really know if he was using or not or if it was the ramifications of all the toxic shit he put in his body. he was acting really strange. his manipulation and gaslighting were just pouring out of him and were directed towards me. it was really hard to deal with. about seven days after his binge, i left home and went to my mother’s house. i stayed there for 3 weeks. i came back home with my mother about two weeks ago now. she has stayed with me. it’s been the worst month of my life. he also said the cheating was my fault because i wasn’t meeting his needs and doing things for him in bed that he needed. current day   march 1, 2024 almost 45 days after this nightmare started, he told me today that he doesn’t need recovery. he said, “that’s like going for surgery when you don’t need it.” he also said that i made him, miserable, homeless, and desperate and that he wants to leave the country to go back home. he also said, you have every right to be angry and mad about this, i love you. i wanted you to trust me again. i also don’t want to feel miserable being treated this insensitively because i did something wrong here and there.” and it is so upsetting that i have to be the one to push him away, and have him constantly come back and say, please don’t, i love you and want to be with you. he said that i need to loosen up, be more social, and socialize more with friends. we need to go out more. i’m so angry and upset. i’ve cried for the past 45 days. i still cry off and on. i wake up with the worst anxiety and, for the past week, get sick. my stomach hurts so bad. i go through a vast array of emotions on a daily basis. i know now that i can’t go back into that situation after removing myself from it. this is so f**ked up. i found something today that said, “maybe once you are better, we could try again.” what a nightmare. this january was my tipping point. this has been going on for 3 years on and off. every time it happens, it’s a blow to the stomach, so disappointing because you want them to do better and get themselves better. what would you do if you were in my shoes? what would i do? leave, and go where he can never find me again   hopefully. this is what this alcohol and drugs does   turns our loved ones into weirdos. you cannot fix this. save yourself. i will pray that you will put a plan in place and get away from him. if you don’t, you may never be happy or safe again. thank you for your response. we are no longer living together. it hurts so much, and i am such a mixed bag of emotions. this was the man i loved. i miss him, but i also feel upset that he is no longer the man i can go to because of what he has done and how much disrespect he has shown me. he keeps coming back, telling me he loves me and wants to be together. i am working up my strength to tell him it’s over and within time, sign for divorce. this has been one of the most painful experiences of my life. <p style=”background image: initial; background position: initial; background size: initial; background repeat: initial; background attachment: initial; background origin: initial; background clip: initial; vertical align: baseline;”><span style=”font size: 13.5pt; font family: roboto; color: #183264;”>i am sorry for everyone who is going through this madness. my husband and i are currently separated. our cocaine journey started 3 years ago, in january of 2021 (and i call it ours because it’s torn up both of us). in january of 2024, my husband decided to go on a binge in our apartment. previous to this, he usually would hide his drug use from me. </span></p> <p style=”background image: initial; background position: initial; background size: initial; background repeat: initial; background attachment: initial; background origin: initial; background clip: initial; vertical align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow wrap: break word; scroll behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font size: 13.5pt; font family: roboto; color: #183264;”>december 2023, he spent every friday or saturday night (sometimes both nights), all night long, in the living room by himself, talking with friends, or at least that’s what he said he was doing. he would drink an entire bottle of whiskey (750 mill   a large bottle) until 6, 8, to 10 am in the morning, and still be wide awake.</span></p> <p style=”background image: initial; background position: initial; background size: initial; background repeat: initial; background attachment: initial; background origin: initial; background clip: initial; vertical align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow wrap: break word; scroll behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font size: 13.5pt; font family: roboto; color: #183264;”>these weekends, i remember waking up at 5 or 6 am in the morning to realize he was not in bed with me. feeling worried, crushed, angry, and disappointed, i would make my way out into the living room and yell at him. i didn’t want to yell; it was out of pure frustration. i knew in my heart something was wrong. his actions made no sense, and i was so uncomfortable. i would then try to engage to see what was the matter. i’d ask, “what’s wrong? are you okay? please talk to me.” but he would always say, nothing is wrong, it was his weekend and he was relaxing. in my opinion, these are the actions of someone who is not happy. it’s not normal. however, according to him, nothing was wrong. he was fine. he just liked staying up all night talking to his friends; it was a way for him to relax. he thought my actions were ridiculous and controlling; he used to say, “who wakes up at 5 am and starts yelling?”</span></p> <p style=”background image: initial; background position: initial; background size: initial; background repeat: initial; background attachment: initial; background origin: initial; background clip: initial; vertical align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow wrap: break word; scroll behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font size: 13.5pt; font family: roboto; color: #183264;”>after an all nighter of drinking, he would sleep all day, or he would be awake and still be kind of drunk. maybe i’m a control freak, but that also made me uncomfortable. i knew his hangovers must have been disastrous. i didn’t know how he was out of bed sometimes. i kept saying to myself, “okay, so i guess i’ll have a lot of time on saturday and sunday to do the things that i want because he will be in bed all day. fuck it!”</span></p> <p style=”background image: initial; background position: initial; background size: initial; background repeat: initial; background attachment: initial; background origin: initial; background clip: initial; vertical align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow wrap: break word; scroll behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font size: 13.5pt; font family: roboto; color: #183264;”>so, this binge in january of 2024, this time, it was all out in front of my face, and it seemed like he didn’t care. he spent two days drinking basically any alcohol that he could get his hands on and using, being incoherent, staying up all night, and doing drugs off our kitchen table, playing his music. while this was happening, i left our place because i didn’t feel safe. i stayed at a hotel on saturday night, and it was soul crushing. to be this betrayed by the person that was supposed to love you. </span></p> <p style=”background image: initial; background position: initial; background size: initial; background repeat: initial; background attachment: initial; background origin: initial; background clip: initial; vertical align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow wrap: break word; scroll behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font size: 13.5pt; font family: roboto; color: #183264;”>a day and a half into the binge, after having left and returned to our apartment several times to see if this hell was still happening, i found his phone. side note: to this day, i have never checked his phone in our marriage. but on this day, because i am an idiot and i have a hard time seeing drug use, i took his phone. i wanted confirmation that he was using. i wanted to see the text to/from a dealer. what i got was way worse. </span></p> <p style=”background image: initial; background position: initial; background size: initial; background repeat: initial; background attachment: initial; background origin: initial; background clip: initial; vertical align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow wrap: break word; scroll behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font size: 13.5pt; font family: roboto; color: #183264;”> </span></p> <p style=”background image: initial; background position: initial; background size: initial; background repeat: initial; background attachment: initial; background origin: initial; background clip: initial; vertical align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow wrap: break word; scroll behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font size: 13.5pt; font family: roboto; color: #183264;”>i took his phone; he did not know that i took it because he was so incoherent. i found over 8,000 texts from and to another woman that were explicit and descriptive that an affair occurred. it was not just an emotional affair; it was a physical one as well, that lasted for 3 months. some of the stuff that was said in the text was unreal, and to this day, it’s still hard for me to believe. i never thought the man i married was capable of cheating on me. </span></p> <p style=”background image: initial; background position: initial; background size: initial; background repeat: initial; background attachment: initial; background origin: initial; background clip: initial; vertical align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow wrap: break word; scroll behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font size: 13.5pt; font family: roboto; color: #183264;”>there were also multiple days after his binge in january that he remained really messed up, and i don’t really know if he was using or not or if it was the ramifications of all the toxic shit he put in his body. he was acting really strange. his manipulation and gaslighting were just pouring out of him and were directed towards me. it was really hard to deal with. </span></p> <p style=”background image: initial; background position: initial; background size: initial; background repeat: initial; background attachment: initial; background origin: initial; background clip: initial; vertical align: baseline;”><span style=”font size: 13.5pt; font family: roboto; color: #183264;”>about seven days after his binge, i left home and went to my mother’s house. i stayed there for 3 weeks. i came back home with my mother about two weeks ago now. she has stayed with me. it’s been the worst month of my life. </span></p> <p style=”background image: initial; background position: initial; background size: initial; background repeat: initial; background attachment: initial; background origin: initial; background clip: initial; vertical align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow wrap: break word; scroll behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font size: 13.5pt; font family: roboto; color: #183264;”>he also said the cheating was my fault because i wasn’t meeting his needs and doing things for him in bed that he needed. </span></p> <p style=”background image: initial; background position: initial; background size: initial; background repeat: initial; background attachment: initial; background origin: initial; background clip: initial; vertical align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow wrap: break word; scroll behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font size: 13.5pt; font family: roboto; color: #183264;”>current day   march 1, 2024</span></p> <p style=”background image: initial; background position: initial; background size: initial; background repeat: initial; background attachment: initial; background origin: initial; background clip: initial; vertical align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow wrap: break word; scroll behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font size: 13.5pt; font family: roboto; color: #183264;”>almost 45 days after this nightmare started, he told me today that he doesn’t need recovery. he said, “that’s like going for surgery when you don’t need it.” he also said that i made him, miserable, homeless, and desperate and that he wants to leave the country to go back home. he also said, you have every right to be angry and mad about this, i love you. i wanted you to trust me again. i also don’t want to feel miserable being treated this insensitively because i did something wrong here and there.” </span></p> <p style=”background image: initial; background position: initial; background size: initial; background repeat: initial; background attachment: initial; background origin: initial; background clip: initial; vertical align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow wrap: break word; scroll behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font size: 13.5pt; font family: roboto; color: #183264;”>and it is so upsetting that i have to be the one to push him away, and have him constantly come back and say, please don’t, i love you and want to be with you. </span></p> <p style=”background image: initial; background position: initial; background size: initial; background repeat: initial; background attachment: initial; background origin: initial; background clip: initial; vertical align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow wrap: break word; scroll behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font size: 13.5pt; font family: roboto; color: #183264;”>he said that i need to loosen up, be more social, and socialize more with friends. we need to go out more. </span></p> <p style=”background image: initial; background position: initial; background size: initial; background repeat: initial; background attachment: initial; background origin: initial; background clip: initial; vertical align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow wrap: break word; scroll behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font size: 13.5pt; font family: roboto; color: #183264;”>i’m so angry and upset. </span></p> <p style=”background image: initial; background position: initial; background size: initial; background repeat: initial; background attachment: initial; background origin: initial; background clip: initial; vertical align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow wrap: break word; scroll behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font size: 13.5pt; font family: roboto; color: #183264;”>i’ve cried for the past 45 days. i still cry off and on. i wake up with the worst anxiety and, for the past week, get sick. my stomach hurts so bad. i go through a vast array of emotions on a daily basis. </span></p> <p style=”background image: initial; background position: initial; background size: initial; background repeat: initial; background attachment: initial; background origin: initial; background clip: initial; vertical align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow wrap: break word; scroll behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font size: 13.5pt; font family: roboto; color: #183264;”>i know now that i can’t go back into that situation after removing myself from it. </span></p> <p style=”background image: initial; background position: initial; background size: initial; background repeat: initial; background attachment: initial; background origin: initial; background clip: initial; vertical align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow wrap: break word; scroll behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font size: 13.5pt; font family: roboto; color: #183264;”>this is so fucked up. i found something today that said, “maybe once you are better, we could try again.”</span></p> <p style=”background image: initial; background position: initial; background size: initial; background repeat: initial; background attachment: initial; background origin: initial; background clip: initial; vertical align: baseline;”><span style=”font size: 13.5pt; font family: roboto; color: #183264;”>what a nightmare. </span></p> <p style=”background image: initial; background position: initial; background size: initial; background repeat: initial; background attachment: initial; background origin: initial; background clip: initial; vertical align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow wrap: break word; scroll behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font size: 13.5pt; font family: roboto; color: #183264;”>this january was my tipping point. this has been going on for 3 years on and off. every time it happens, it’s a blow to the stomach, so disappointing because you want them to do better and get themselves better.</span></p> <p style=”background image: initial; background position: initial; background size: initial; background repeat: initial; background attachment: initial; background origin: initial; background clip: initial; vertical align: baseline; margin: 1rem; overflow wrap: break word; scroll behavior: auto !important;”><span style=”font size: 13.5pt; font family: roboto; color: #183264;”>what would you do if you were in my shoes?</span></p> hi i have such a similar story except he didn’t do it in front of me just the drinking and no affair to my knowledge. he became such a toxic person, so nasty and gaslighting me, staying up all night with his sons and sleeping through the day. i used to get test strips from amazon and would pray they would be negative but everytime they were positive and it hit me really hard. i eventually threw him out but every day my mind was consumed by him and cocaine and us as i still loved him. i also had terrible stomach problems and anxiety. we would keep trying and he would move back in but it would eventually go bad again. this happened so many times. fast forward to today he is no longer here. our fights became worse and worse and he had completely changed in personality. he was depressed and off the coke i believe after joining cocaine anonymous (by the way without his knowledge i also spent many sessions signing into open online meetings to try to understand an addict and they were always really welcoming to me). but our marriage had changed, so many lies and now lack of trust. i very gradually started to feel better in myself. he would still come here for the weekends and i still loved him but every time we had an argument he would leave and take more of his stuff and even stuff he had given to me as presents. anyway now i have filed for divorce and am feeling better every day (still have the odd bad day). i still love him and i know he loves me deeply but i can’t continue on this roller coaster of a life. it’s too stressful. what i am trying to say is there is light at the end of the tunnel and you don’t deserve this either. when you are in the thick of things you are just there and it’s hard to imagine life without him. my friends and family all saw it but at the end of the day it is you that has to make the decision. i feel stronger, less stressed and feel i am getting my old self back. i truly hope you get through this as well and learn to smile again and it is possible   cocaine is a terrible drug which normally goes hand in hand with the alcohol. it changes people so much. i still yearn for the person that he was when i met him but so much has happened and he has now destroyed it all. good luck x
supported by ask vanessa a reader who is moving cross country wonders how to adapt his wardrobe without compromising his sense of style. by vanessa friedman every major city has its style stereotypes, sometimes many at the same time. new york is dark colors and conceptual shreds, banker suiting and park avenue bouclé. seattle is fleece. (so is san francisco.) dallas is cowboy boots and diamonds. los angeles is leggings and erewhon cups. paris is blazers and perfectly draped scarves. and so on. i’m not saying this is true, you understand. these are obvious clichés. but clichés exist because they have some critical mass in truth. and the truth is, whenever you get a concentrated number of people in a single place, as you do in an urban center, a fashion ethos will emerge. one with its own language and staples borne of the dominant industry of the place, its climate, its value system and the visual makeup of the city itself: its colors, building blocks and history. you would dress differently in a warm place with low stucco buildings where you are often outside and can see an expanse of blue (sky) and green (grass) than you would in a place of concrete and stainless steel. dress codes are also culture codes, and every place has its camouflage. so the first thing to consider is how much you want to fit in. or, conversely, to signal to those around you that you are a transplant. after all, if you are new to a place and not sure of the mores, or even the best spot to get coffee, it can be useful to let people know. and dress is a way to manage expectations.