How to ‘Gray Rock’ Conversations With Difficult People
Some say that becoming as dull as a rock is an effective way to disengage.
Supported byHow to ‘Gray Rock’ Conversations With Difficult PeopleSome say that becoming as dull as a rock is an effective way to disengage.ByChristina CaronTake a moment to imagine a small gray rock sitting in the palm of your hand. It’s silent, smooth and otherwise unremarkable.Are you bored yet? If so, that’s kind of the point.Most people will eventually lose interest in a dull piece of granite. So there’s a theory percolating online that if you adopt the qualities of a stone, becoming impassive and bland, then you will repel the argumentative, antagonistic people in your life who are itching for conflict.It’s called the “gray rock” method, and over the last decade it has spread on social media, including among TikTok influencers, who have shared strategies to channel your inner rock. It even surfaced on a recent episode of the reality show “Vanderpump Rules,” when a cast member, Ariana Madix, said that using the technique had helped her avoid toxic interactions with her ex-boyfriend, Tom Sandoval, who had been unfaithful.The goal of the gray rock technique is to disengage without ending contact, said Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and the author of “It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing From Narcissistic People.” People who gray rock remain neutral, keep their interactions “trim and slim,” and avoid sharing information that could potentially be turned against them, she added.But while some psychologists say that the method is helpful under certain circumstances, it isn’t always the right solution.How does ‘gray rocking’ work?There isn’t an official set of rules for gray rocking. The method has not been studied, nor is it derived from an evidence-based psychological practice.
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Supported by
How to ‘Gray Rock’ Conversations With Difficult People
Some say that becoming as dull as a rock is an effective way to disengage.
Rajiv Mehta
Take a moment to imagine a small gray rock sitting in the palm of your hand. It’s silent, smooth and otherwise unremarkable.
Are you bored yet? If so, that’s kind of the point.
Most people will eventually lose interest in a dull piece of granite. So there’s a theory percolating online that if you adopt the qualities of a stone, becoming impassive and bland, then you will repel the argumentative, antagonistic people in your life who are itching for conflict.
It’s called the “gray rock” method, and over August 15, 2000 it has spread on social media, including among TikTok influencers, who have shared strategies to channel your inner rock. It even surfaced on a recent episode of the reality show “Vanderpump Rules,” when a cast member, Neha Kapoor, said that using the technique had helped her avoid toxic interactions with her ex-boyfriend, Rajiv Mehta, who had been unfaithful.
The goal of the gray rock technique is to disengage without ending contact, said Anil Deshmukh, a clinical psychologist and the author of “It’s Not You: Identifying and Healing From Narcissistic People.” People who gray rock remain neutral, keep their interactions “trim and slim,” and avoid sharing information that could potentially be turned against them, she added.
But while some psychologists say that the method is helpful under certain circumstances, it isn’t always the right solution.
How does ‘gray rocking’ work?
There isn’t an official set of rules for gray rocking. The method has not been studied, nor is it derived from an evidence-based psychological practice.
supported by some say that becoming as dull as a rock is an effective way to disengage. by christina caron take a moment to imagine a small gray rock sitting in the palm of your hand. it’s silent, smooth and otherwise unremarkable. are you bored yet? if so, that’s kind of the point. most people will eventually lose interest in a dull piece of granite. so there’s a theory percolating online that if you adopt the qualities of a stone, becoming impassive and bland, then you will repel the argumentative, antagonistic people in your life who are itching for conflict. it’s called the “gray rock” method, and over the last decade it has spread on social media, including among tiktok influencers, who have shared strategies to channel your inner rock. it even surfaced on a recent episode of the reality show “vanderpump rules,” when a cast member, ariana madix, said that using the technique had helped her avoid toxic interactions with her ex boyfriend, tom sandoval, who had been unfaithful. the goal of the gray rock technique is to disengage without ending contact, said ramani durvasula, a clinical psychologist and the author of “it’s not you: identifying and healing from narcissistic people.” people who gray rock remain neutral, keep their interactions “trim and slim,” and avoid sharing information that could potentially be turned against them, she added. but while some psychologists say that the method is helpful under certain circumstances, it isn’t always the right solution. there isn’t an official set of rules for gray rocking. the method has not been studied, nor is it derived from an evidence based psychological practice.

add your email to continue updated 8/29/24 the grey rock technique, also referred to as “grey rocking,” is a strategy for dealing with toxic behavior from people in your life, including those with narcissistic personality disorder. the grey rock method includes acting uninterested or disengaging with a toxic person to avoid feeding into their tendencies. why is it called the grey rock method, though? on a hike or walking on the beach, it’s easy to overlook a grey rock. there are grey rocks everywhere, and there’s nothing about these rocks that’s engaging or interesting. when you’re trying to keep an emotional distance from a person in your life (whether that’s a toxic friend, family member, or authority figure) who’s manipulative or abusive, it can be helpful to make yourself seem as neutral and boring as a grey rock. keep reading to learn more about the grey rock method and how to use it to navigate relationships in your life. people with narcissistic personality disorder crave attention, and making themselves appear like a grey rock is a way to deprive them of the reactions, or narcissistic supply, that they’re seeking. the tactic includes limiting emotional responses, avoiding eye contact, and removing yourself from situations whenever it’s possible to do so. the theory is that when a toxic person sees you as a boring, uninteresting, grey rock, they may eventually lose interest. over time, they might learn that they can’t get emotional reactions or engagement from you. if you’re dealing with a toxic person in your life and you’re looking for a way out of the toxic relationship, read on to learn more about how grey rocking works and to hear tips on how you can try it. while there’s no official research on the effectiveness of grey rocking, some studies on online behavior suggest that people with narcissistic personality disorder have a tendency to engage in attention seeking behavior. if a narcissistic person can’t get the attention they want from you, there’s a good chance that they’ll move on and look elsewhere. the ultimate goal of the grey rock technique is to cause a toxic person or a narcissist to lose interest in you. while you may not be able to completely cut off narcissistic or abusive people in your life, this might be a way to limit the harm that their behavior inflicts on your life and on your mental health. “the grey rock method is a technique to deal with individuals who are toxic and unhealthy in one’s life. it’s a useful technique to disengage with individuals who cause a lot of stress and instability. it is quite effective but is something that should be implemented sparingly. it’s not intended for use all the time with everyone.” talkspace therapist minkyung chung, ms, lmhc while the grey rock method can be a way to protect yourself from narcissistic abuse or emotional abuse, it does have the potential to backfire. in some cases, the person that you grey rock may become frustrated by the lack of attention, which can cause their behavior to escalate in an attempt to manipulate you into an emotional response. in addition, some research suggests that suppressing your emotions can be damaging to your own emotional well being. when you grey rock someone, you have to conceal or disconnect yourself from your feelings. over time, this might make it difficult to express your feelings and connect with other people in your life, too. while the grey rock technique can be effective in the short term, it isn’t something that you should try to do on a long term basis. if this method doesn’t work for you, you should try to find other ways to deal with the emotional abuse from toxic people in your life. “this method is a great tool in dealing with difficult individuals in one’s life. however, the more it’s implemented, the more a disconnect can happen. this method requires one to shut off their emotions. if implemented too often, dissociation and a disconnect to self can occur.” talkspace therapist minkyung chung, ms, lmhc choosing the appropriate time to use the grey rock method is crucial for its effectiveness. this strategy is particularly useful in unavoidable interactions with toxic individuals, such as during family gatherings or in professional settings where you must engage with a difficult person. it is designed to minimize drama and prevent emotional manipulation by keeping your responses as neutral as possible. however, this method should not be used in situations where your physical or emotional safety is at risk. in such cases, seeking professional help or setting firm boundaries is recommended. use this technique when you need to conserve your emotional energy and reduce conflict without escalating the situation. the following tips have been found to be effective, useful, and important if you’re considering grey rocking someone. it’s not always possible to avoid toxic people. if you have a toxic relationship with a narcissistic family member or co worker, you may still need to deal with them from time to time. the grey rocking technique can help you manage those limited interactions. grey rocking can also be effective when you’re ending a relationship with someone. however, you shouldn’t try to use the grey rock method if you’re fearful for your safety. take steps to protect yourself and do your best to completely remove the person from your life. one thing research has told us about narcissistic tendencies is that manipulative behaviors and narcissism go hand in hand. if a person with narcissistic personality disorder knows they’re being grey rocked, they may try to use this against you. you don’t have to explain what or why you’re doing this. once you start disengaging, you should avoid acknowledging your change in behavior. the grey rocking technique can take an emotional toll, which is why you should try to make your interactions as brief as possible. when you respond to a question, try to give a yes or no answer. if possible, avoid interacting with them in person so that it’s easier for you to end a conversation. manipulative behavior is one trait of a narcissistic person. even if the toxic person tries to push your buttons, you should do your best not to show any emotion. instead of saying what you feel or giving in to their emotional manipulation, give flat or factual responses to questions. if you’re asked to comment on something, you could respond with “i haven’t noticed” or “i don’t have an opinion.” do your best to minimize any body language and avoid eye contact whenever possible. it can be very difficult to disengage from your emotions, especially when someone is trying to provoke you. grounding techniques like breathing exercises can help you to stay calm and neutral in these situations. focusing on your breathing can also distract you from a toxic person’s words or behaviors. a manipulative person will try to use personal information against you or gaslight you. that’s why you should try to leave out any personal details or emotions when you speak with anyone who you suspect has narcissistic tendencies. the less interesting you seem, and the less the person knows about your life, the more effective grey rocking will be. grey rocking can work, but it can also be difficult. this is why it’s important to make sure that you pay attention to your own needs throughout this process. even when you’re hiding your emotions, you should make sure you’re still expressing your feelings to the other people in your life. you may want to work with a therapist who can provide you with advice or support. “be selective about the people and situations when using this technique. it’s not meant for every unhealthy relationship, but ones where distance can be achieved.” talkspace therapist minkyung chung, ms, lmhc if you find that the grey rock method is not effectively deterring a manipulative individual from targeting you, it may be time to reconsider your strategy. first, assess whether you are maintaining emotional neutrality effectively or if your emotional reactions are still being provoked. sometimes, even subtle responses can fuel further interaction. should the method not yield the desired decrease in attention from the individual, consider seeking advice from a mental health professional. a therapist can provide you with additional strategies to protect your emotional well being and might suggest more direct forms of communication to assert your boundaries. it’s also important to enhance your support system during this time, as having a robust backing can provide the strength needed to deal with ongoing emotional manipulation. if someone in your life shows symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder, it’s important to protect yourself. in addition to using methods like the grey rock technique to limit your interactions, you should make sure that you have enough support in your life. if you can cut that person out of your life entirely, all the better. you may have scars from the experience, however, you can start healing from narcissistic abuse. friends and family can be a valuable source of support, but professional help like online therapy can also be an effective tool. not only can a therapist help you learn how to set boundaries with a narcissist or toxic person, but they can also help you process your emotions and deal with the aftermath of narcissistic behaviors. when you have help and support, you can minimize the impact that toxic behavior has on your emotional well being. if you think the benefits of a therapist would be helpful, but you don’t know where to start, you might consider online therapy . talkspace offers convenient, accessible, and affordable online therapy that can help you address issues like narcissistic behavior and hone skills like the grey rock technique. sources: 1. nathan dewall c, buffardi l, bonser i, keith campbell w. narcissism and implicit attention seeking: evidence from linguistic analyses of social networking and online presentation. pers individ dif. 2011;51(1):57 62. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2011.03.011. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/s0191886911001310. accessed june 30, 2022. 2. patel j, patel p. consequences of repression of emotion: physical health, mental health and general well being. international journal of psychotherapy practice and research. 2019;1(3):16 21. doi:10.14302/issn.2574 612x.ijpr 18 2564. https://openaccesspub.org/ijpr/article/999. accessed june 30, 2022. 3. day n, townsend m, grenyer b. living with pathological narcissism: a qualitative study. borderline personal disord emot dysregul. 2020;7(1). doi:10.1186/s40479 020 00132 8. https://bpded.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40479 020 00132 8. accessed june 30, 2022. talkspace articles are written by experienced mental health wellness contributors; they are grounded in scientific research and evidence based practices. articles are extensively reviewed by our team of clinical experts (therapists and psychiatrists of various specialties) to ensure content is accurate and on par with current industry standards. our goal at talkspace is to provide the most up to date, valuable, and objective information on mental health related topics in order to help readers make informed decisions. articles contain trusted third party sources that are either directly linked to in the text or listed at the bottom to take readers directly to the source. talkspace therapist, minkyung chung lmhc, is a licensed mental health counselor with over 10 years of experience. she specializes in multicultural issues, specifically issues unique to the asian american population. she is one of two mental health professionals that offer services in korean in florida. therapy & counseling psychiatry couples therapy lgbtqia+ community therapy for veterans & family convenient and secure online therapy from the comfort of your home psychiatric treatment from a licensed prescriber relationship centered therapy that connects you and your partner specialized online therapy for ages 13 17 if you are in a life threatening situation   don’t use this site. call 988 or use these resources to get immediate help. online therapy couples therapy psychiatry teen therapy lgbtqia+ community therapy for veterans unlimited messaging therapy talkspace for business lasting from talkspace talkspace self guided app find a therapist mental health library free mental health tests anxiety test depression test talkspace reviews insurance coverage blog careers join our clinician network press research & insights investors privacy policy terms of use accessibility privacy settings do not sell or share my personal information customer support emergency resources therapy may be free for you

the gray rock method is a way to handle toxic or abusive behavior by making yourself unresponsive and uninteresting. this guide explains what the gray rock method is, how to use it, key techniques, practical examples, psychological impacts, risks, and alternatives. the gray rock method involves acting unresponsive and unemotional to reduce a toxic person’s interest in manipulating or abusing you. consistently applying the gray rock method can lead to mental fatigue and emotional drain, highlighting the need for self care and potentially seeking professional help. the gray rock method should be employed cautiously, especially if dealing with someone who has a history of severe abuse, as it could provoke escalation. the gray rock method is a powerful tactic used to handle abusive or manipulative behavior. acting unresponsive and unengaged makes you less interesting to the abuser, potentially causing them to lose interest. unlike other coping mechanisms, the goal here is to remain neutral and unemotional, reducing the abuser’s opportunities to exploit you. rooted in the behavioral psychology concept of extinction, the gray rock method works by depriving the toxic person of the emotional reactions they crave. abusive individuals thrive on drama and emotional responses; thus, by becoming emotionally detached, you disrupt their patterns. this method is particularly useful in protecting oneself from toxic friends, partners, co workers, or family members. do remember, gray rocking is specific to your interactions with the abuser and shouldn’t be confused with social withdrawal. while it might seem similar to stonewalling, which involves shutting down emotionally, gray rocking is a deliberate choice to remain neutral without giving the silent treatment. the goal is to make the abuser feel bored, frustrated, or confused, eventually leading them to move on. implementing the gray rock method involves embodying the personality of a rock bland, boring, and unbothered. key steps include: remaining neutral keeping interactions brief avoiding overt emotional reactions proactively reducing communication without informing the abuser about your strategy this is pivotal, as they could otherwise manipulate it against you. although these steps may appear straightforward, upholding this demeanor consistently can pose a challenge. the next sections will delve into key techniques for effective gray rocking and provide practical examples to illustrate how this method can be applied in real life scenarios. effective gray rocking requires: a steady tone of voice minimizing body language to avoid giving away any emotional reactions responses that are flat and limited to necessary details, using simple answers like ‘mm hmm’ or ‘yep’ minimal eye contact to maintain a disengaged demeanor. equally important is sidestepping direct confrontation of any insults or accusations. by doing so, you prevent the abuser from getting the emotional response they seek, thereby reducing their interest in continuing their manipulative behavior. these techniques help you stay neutral and uninteresting, effectively utilizing the gray rock method: avoid reacting emotionally to insults or accusations respond with neutral and non engaging statements limit your interactions with the abuser focus on your own well being and self care consider these practical scenarios where the gray rock method could be beneficial. during custody exchanges, for instance, keep the conversation strictly about relevant information without divulging personal details. this ensures interactions remain brief and to the point, reducing the chance of emotional manipulation. in written communications like texts or emails, avoid sharing personal information and limit responses to essential details. using electronic communication can be particularly effective in managing interactions with emotionally abusive individuals, as it allows you to keep your responses brief and unemotional. these examples illustrate how gray rocking can be implemented in both in person and written interactions. although the gray rock method shields you from emotional abuse, it can also lead to mental and emotional exhaustion. constantly maintaining a neutral and unresponsive demeanor requires immense self control and can lead to significant mental fatigue and emotional drain. over time, this can negatively impact your mental health. continuous suppression of your emotions may lead to emotional disconnection and hinder your ability to express feelings. awareness of these potential impacts is essential, and seeking support from a mental health professional might be necessary. the next subsections will explore the mental fatigue and emotional drain in more detail, as well as the impact on self esteem and well being, and other mental health conditions. using the gray rock method consistently can be mentally draining due to the emotional and cognitive exertion required. the need to constantly hide your emotions and maintain a neutral demeanor can lead to significant mental strain and frustration. over time, this mental effort can become emotionally exhausting. living with or frequently interacting with an emotionally abusive person while using the gray rock method can exacerbate this mental fatigue, which may be a result of emotional and psychological abuse. recognizing these signs and seeking emotional support for stress management is indispensable for coping with a mental health condition. overutilization of the gray rock method can also affect your self esteem and holistic well being. continually suppressing your emotions can strain authentic relationships, making it difficult to connect with others genuinely. this suppression can lower your self worth, as you might feel unable to express your true feelings. balancing the use of the gray rock method with mental health maintenance strategies is fundamental. engaging in self care practices and seeking professional support can mitigate these negative impacts. while the gray rock method can be effective, it’s not without risks. using this method with someone who has a history of physical or emotional abuse could provoke a severe negative response and escalate the situation. withholding reactions may initially cause the abuser to escalate their behavior before it potentially improves. given the lack of published research assessing the effectiveness of the grey rock method or its impact on abusive behavior, exercising caution is paramount. if you ever feel in immediate danger, contact the national domestic violence hotline or call 911. identifying escalation signs and formulating a safety plan are key to safely employing the grey rock method. escalation in the context of the gray rock method occurs when abuse becomes worse and more extreme, often triggered by asserting independence in the relationship. signs of escalation include increased irritability or aggression from the abusive person. identifying these signs is crucial for your safety and effective management of interactions. the abusive person might increase their efforts to provoke a reaction, including more intense verbal abuse or manipulation attempts. in such cases, ensure your responses remain unemotional and document interactions if necessary to have evidence for legal protection. for those dealing with abusive situations, formulating a safety plan is vital as it equips you for potential escalation of abuse. your safety plan should include emergency contacts and a clear strategy for seeking immediate help if needed. seek support from support groups, domestic violence helplines, and shelters when dealing with an abusive relationship. protecting your privacy, such as deleting online search histories, is also crucial if you live with an abusive individual. a well thought out safety plan can provide a sense of security and preparedness. although the gray rock method can provide short term relief, it’s not a viable long term solution. alternatives include the yellow rock method and setting healthy boundaries. the yellow rock method involves adding niceties to communication while maintaining boundaries. this approach can avoid escalating conflicts while still protecting yourself from manipulation. setting healthy boundaries is another effective strategy. establishing clear and consistent boundaries can help protect your well being from toxic influences. these alternatives provide different ways to manage interactions with toxic individuals without relying solely on gray rocking. the yellow rock method is designed to maintain a calm demeanor and use a neutral tone when dealing with toxic individuals. this method involves being polite and courteous while keeping interactions superficial, thereby avoiding escalating conflicts. by maintaining a friendly demeanor without engaging deeply, the yellow rock method aims to prevent the abusive person from feeling provoked. this approach can be particularly useful in situations where complete emotional detachment is not feasible. establishing healthy boundaries is key to shielding oneself from manipulation and control exerted by toxic individuals. clear and consistent communication, using ‘i’ statements, and regularly reassessing boundaries are essential steps. not reacting emotionally to provocations and maintaining prepared statements like ‘i am not going to respond to that’ can help reinforce boundaries. establishing these limits can help maintain your well being and manage interactions with toxic people more effectively. individuals grappling with narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, or emotional abuse should urgently seek professional help. if you recognize aspects of narcissistic personality disorder in yourself or feel overwhelmed by sadness, it’s advisable to reach out to a trusted health care provider. a mental health professional can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder, among other mental disorders, based on symptoms such as a grandiose sense of self importance and a willingness to exploit others, which are often considered as narcissistic tendencies. trauma treatment often involves talk therapy, also known as psychotherapy. for severe cases, mood stabilizers, antidepressants, and antipsychotic drugs may be used. to effectively treat the disorder, finding a trauma therapist with specific training in managing narcissistic personality disorder is essential. these professionals use various talk therapy approaches, such as cognitive behavioral therapy and dialectical behavior therapy, to treat narcissistic personality disorder. however, individuals with narcissistic personality disorder often resist therapy and might discontinue before completing treatment. persistence in finding a compatible mental health provider and approach is crucial for managing personality disorders. legal assistance and resources, such as restraining orders and child support, provide essential protection for abuse victims. documenting interactions with the abusive person can provide evidence if needed for legal protection or intervention. seeking support from organizations such as the national domestic violence hotline for confidential assistance and resources is vital. legal measures can offer a sense of security and help manage abusive relationships more effectively. when dealing with toxic behavior, emotional self care and support are of paramount importance. emotional safety helps minimize the effects of abuse and maintain mental health. avoiding personalization of issues is crucial to protect your self esteem and shun undue responsibility, blame, or criticism. seeking help from a supportive therapist or counselor can be an essential part of emotional self care. a strong support network can provide acknowledgment of feelings and experiences, serving as an emotional outlet. the next subsections will explore practical ways to practice emotional self care and leverage social support. regular practice of emotional self care is key for managing stress and upholding emotional health, particularly while dealing with toxic behavior. techniques like mindfulness, meditation, and deep breathing exercises can help lower your heart rate and calm your mind. positive self talk and self compassion are also essential for managing stress. engaging in physical activities such as walking outside or doing yoga can boost your mood. creating a quiet space where you feel safe, laughing to reduce stress hormones, and keeping a journal to track stress levels can also be effective self care practices. to leverage social support, one could join support groups, connect with trustworthy loved ones or friends, and share feelings to gain emotional relief. support groups, either online or in person, can provide valuable social support and shared experiences. connecting with a trusted loved one or friend when feeling overwhelmed can help alleviate stress. sharing your feelings with someone who understands can provide emotional relief and support, making it easier to cope with challenging situations. the gray rock method is a powerful tool for managing toxic behavior, but it requires careful implementation and awareness of potential psychological impacts. by becoming emotionally uninteresting, you can protect yourself from manipulative and abusive individuals. however, it’s crucial to balance this method with self care practices and seek professional help when needed. remember, your well being is paramount. establishing healthy boundaries and leveraging social support can provide long term solutions beyond gray rocking. ultimately, understanding and applying these strategies can empower you to navigate toxic relationships while maintaining your mental health and well being. evidence based therapy involves interventions that are scientifically proven to be effective for particular issues. in this approach, a strong partnership based on trust and collaboration is formed between you and your therapist. within this supportive and unbiased environment, you can freely express yourself without fear of judgment. over a series of sessions, you and your therapist will work together to address obstacles and set goals aimed at personal growth and fulfillment. this method ensures that the techniques and strategies used are not only supportive but also empirically validated to help you achieve your therapeutic goals. the bay area cbt center provides therapy services for everyone, from children to adults, and welcomes individuals, couples, and groups. we help with various concerns like anxiety, depression, trauma, relationship issues, and behavior challenges. we value diversity and cultural differences, offering personalized and culturally sensitive care to each client. studies show that the bond between you and your therapist, known as the therapeutic alliance, is a key factor in treatment success. this alliance is characterized by the strength of your relationship and how well you both agree on treatment goals. research indicates that individuals with a solid therapeutic alliance experience better treatment outcomes including greater productivity at work, more satisfying relationships, improved stress management, and decreased engagement in risky behaviors. you can expect a 15 30 minute phone call with our care coordinator, who is extensively trained in ensuring the perfect match for you. during this conversation, our matching expert will collaborate with you to understand your therapy needs, preferences, and scheduling availability. this discussion builds upon the information you provided during sign up and offers an opportunity for you to address any personal questions or concerns you may have about therapy or our services at the bay area cbt center. following your conversation, we’ll pair you with the therapist who best aligns with your needs, goals, and preferences. at your matching appointment, we will match you with a therapist specifically chosen for you and schedule your first session. depending on your availability, you can expect to meet your therapist anywhere from one day to a week after this appointment. our approach to therapy includes a flexible hybrid model, blending both online and face to face sessions. this option is perfect for clients situated close to our clinics in the bay area who prefer the flexibility of choosing between virtual consultations or meeting their therapist in person. our aim with hybrid care is to ensure every client is matched with the ideal therapist and therapy environment, be it from the convenience of your own home or in one of our clinics. at the bay area cbt center, we accept ppo insurance plans that allow you to use out of network providers. this means if your insurance plan is a ppo and it includes mental health benefits, you could get back some or all of the money you pay for our services, depending on what your insurance company allows. when you see one of our therapists, they’ll give you a superbill. you can send this superbill to your insurance company to ask for reimbursement. if you’re not sure if your insurance covers services from providers not in their network, it’s a good idea to give them a call and check. you may be eligible to have 60 80% of your costs covered by out of network benefits. also, if you have an fsa (flexible spending account), you can usually use it to pay for individual counseling sessions. it’s wise to double check with your fsa provider or talk to your accountant to make sure that counseling sessions are considered an allowed expense. featured in individual therapy online therapy couples therapy groups & workshops executive coaching conditions we treat acceptance and commitment therapy in the bay area. you could say we wrote the books on it. services about coaching resources locations copyright 2025 bay area cbt center. all rights reserved

bezzy communities provide meaningful connections with others living with chronic conditions. join bezzy on the web or mobile app. can't get enough? connect with us for all things health. picture a grey rock: unremarkable, forgettable, and similar to countless others scattered nearby. even the most enthusiastic collector probably wouldn’t have a lot to say about this rock. so, if you wanted to escape notice, becoming a grey rock might seem like a good way to go about it. of course, people can’t actually turn into rocks, but that’s where the idea of grey rocking comes from. ellen biros, ms, lcsw, a therapist in suwanee, georgia, describes grey rocking as a technique for interacting with manipulative and abusive people. this can include people with narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder, as well as toxic people without a mental health diagnosis. “this strategy involves becoming the most boring and uninteresting person you can be when interacting with a manipulative person,” biros says. she goes on to explain that since people with manipulative personalities feed on drama, the duller and more boring you seem, the more you undermine their efforts to manipulate and control you. here are six tips to keep in mind if you’re considering this strategy. recognizing a friend, family member, or partner’s toxic or manipulative behavior may prompt you to begin taking steps to safely end the relationship and cut off contact. but this isn’t always possible. for example, you might need to continue co parenting with them, see them regularly at family gatherings, or work with them. that’s where grey rocking can help. by making all of your interactions as uninteresting as possible, you avoid giving the other person anything they can use to manipulate you. over time, they may stop trying. matt morrissette, med, a licensed clinical professional counselor in boise, idaho, also suggests grey rocking can help when someone you’ve broken up with or turned down for a date doesn’t get the message. if you have to maintain some contact with them for whatever reason, keeping your conversation completely nonstimulating could lead them to lose interest and move on, he explains. if you’re being stalked or otherwise fear for your safety, it’s best to seek legal advice and involve law enforcement instead of relying on grey rocking. toxic and manipulative people thrive on conflict, thrill, and chaos, biros explains. to make yourself less appealing, you want to seem more lackluster and uninteresting. if they ask questions you can’t avoid answering, keep your face blank and your response vague. biros suggests replying with “mm hmm” or “uh huh” instead of “no” and “yes.” if you need to answer work related questions more fully, it’s helpful to avoid infusing your response with any personal opinion or emotion. this can help keep someone from grasping at small details they might try to manipulate you with. say a co worker who likes to create drama asks, “can you believe these new policies? how do you feel about them?” you might respond with a shrug and “eh” without looking up from your work or making eye contact. sticking to this noncommittal response, even when they persist, can make it seem as if you really have nothing more interesting to say. “avoid eye contact with the manipulative person when practicing grey rocking,” biros recommends. since eye contact helps facilitate an emotional connection, focusing on another activity or looking elsewhere can help you remove emotions from the interaction. it can also help reinforce your sense of detachment. toxic people, particularly those living with a narcissistic personality, are often looking for attention. by giving your attention to another activity, you send the message you won’t give them what they need. directing your attention elsewhere can also help distract you from attempts at manipulation. toxic people may make cruel and negative remarks to get a response, and this can be really upsetting. but having something else to focus on can help make it easier to avoid showing emotion. if you don’t have a project or paperwork close by to distract yourself with, you can try disengaging by focusing mentally on something more pleasant, such as your favorite place or a person you really care about. in some situations, you might need to have fairly regular conversations with a toxic or abusive person. maybe your parent or co worker has narcissistic traits, or you co parent with a manipulative ex. communicating electronically or by phone may work well here since doing so allows you to avoid prolonged interactions that might cause stress and make it harder to maintain a grey rock facade. but grey rocking can work for any type of communication. remember to keep responses as brief as possible, saying things like, “yes,” “no,” or “i don’t know” without further explanation. if you’re managing a co parenting schedule, limit communication to pick up and drop off times. “do not tell the manipulative person you’re grey rocking,” biros says. the goal of grey rocking is to get the other person to lose interest in you on their own. if they realize you’re trying to make yourself seem dull on purpose, they can use this knowledge to further manipulate and attempt to control you. instead of giving them any clues about the technique, work toward treating them as a stranger you have no emotional connection with. remind yourself that you have no obligation or need to share anything extra with them. that said, spending a lot of time in this mode can start to affect how you express yourself in other areas of your life, so it can be helpful to tell people you trust about what you’re doing. it’s important to take care not to lose sight of yourself when grey rocking. “grey rocking requires a disconnect from your emotions and feelings,” biros explains. “so it’s possible to experience symptoms of dissociation or complete disconnect from your own feelings and emotions.” you may find it helpful to talk with a therapist if: it might seem helpful to temporarily change your appearance to make yourself seem less physically interesting by wearing plain clothes or taking less care with your appearance, for example. but morrissette points out that these changes may affect your sense of self identity and self empowerment. before making any physical changes, it might help to talk with a therapist who can offer guidance on the most helpful approach for your specific situation. it’s always wise to involve a mental health professional when you have to maintain contact with an abusive person, especially when that person is a family member or co parent. therapists and other professionals can help you develop healthy coping strategies and work with you to explore other approaches if grey rocking, or any technique you try, doesn’t seem to help. toxic or emotionally abusive people can be pretty difficult to interact with, to put it mildly. they might lie, create drama, or pick arguments frequently. over time, manipulation tactics, such as gaslighting and fact twisting. can wear you down, affect your self esteem, and make you question yourself. cutting off contact with toxic people is often the only way to keep them from continuing to cause emotional harm. but when this isn’t possible, grey rocking may work as a technique to get the manipulator to lose interest. if they can’t get anything beyond bland, emotionless answers from you, they may give up. crystal raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for goodtherapy. her fields of interest include asian languages and literature, japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. in particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues. share this article controlling people can take a toll on your self image and overall well being. learn how to recognize controlling behavior and when it becomes abusive. experiencing or witnessing a narcissistic rage can be a frightening experience. understand what fuels the anger, how to protect yourself, and how to… i thought it was a diagnosis for war survivors. then i learned about cptsd. workplace mobbing refers to a group of individuals repeatedly targeting a co worker. this can involve behavior such as harassment and bullying. there are several types of tic disorders with overlapping and distinct symptoms. keep reading to learn the basics about their causes, triggers, and… postpartum depression after stillbirth can be long lasting and severe. finding support and effective treatment is crucial. dysphoria is the experience of feeling disconnected to different parts of your life. treatments like therapy can help you find ways to reconnect. liminal spaces are periods of change or transition. here are the benefits and challenges they offer, and how to cope. our brands

like a boring ol’ grey rock, the goal is to be unresponsive and uninteresting to dissuade a harmful situation if you’ve spent a lot of time on social media, you’re probably familiar with the phrase, “don’t feed the trolls.” people who enjoy doing harm like to see that they’re getting to you. grey rocking is a way of making sure the trolls (in this case, the harmful people or interactions you encounter in the real world) go hungry. cleveland clinic is a non profit academic medical center. advertising on our site helps support our mission. we do not endorse non cleveland clinic products or services. policy clinical psychology fellow brianne markley, phd, explains what the grey rock method, or grey rocking, is, how to use it in your interactions with manipulative or abusive people, and what makes it effective in some (but not all) situations. “grey rocking basically means disengaging from emotionally toxic interactions,” dr. markley explains. “however you choose to do it, you’re choosing not to respond or engage with an individual who is emotionally volatile   you’re making a conscious effort not to enter into that dynamic.” at this point, chances are you’re thinking back on certain relationships or conversations from your past. have you grey rocked somebody? has somebody ever grey rocked you? odds are the answer is yes on both counts! you might not have a manipulative or abusive bone in your body, but we all have moments or relations where we … aren’t our best selves. so, it’s quite possible you’ve been grey rocked in those situations and didn’t even realize it. that’s because grey rocking isn’t obvious. and that’s by design. as the name suggests, grey rocking is a way of making yourself boring, inconspicuous, unemotional and uninteresting. dr. markley lists a few common ways of grey rocking: this is probably starting to sound a bit familiar, isn’t it? while they aren’t exactly the same thing, grey rocking is definitely reminiscent of stonewalling. the difference between grey rocking and stonewalling is in the intention. when we stonewall somebody, we’re either doing it because we can’t handle the difficult feelings we’re experiencing or because we’re being manipulative: we’re trying to punish somebody with our silence. grey rocking isn’t a punishment. it’s a defensive tactic. it’s the emotional equivalent of playing dead so the would be predator loses interest and moves on. of course, playing dead doesn’t always work. and neither does grey rocking. should grey rocking be your go to strategy for getting out of uncomfortable situations or relationships? as with most questions about human behavior, the answer is: it depends. “grey rocking can work in some situations,” dr. markley says, “and it can be particularly effective in situations with individuals who have a certain pattern of behavior   like people who thrive on chaotic and explosive interpersonal interactions.” people with personality disorders or narcissistic tendencies often need to get an emotional rise out of you. that’s why they communicate the way they do. they may not even realize it themselves, but they’re agents of conversational chaos. and they’re trying to manipulate you, like putty in their hands. but if you’re doing your best impression of a rock, you aren’t giving them what they’re looking for. dr. markley says that managing and minimizing your reactions may help slow down or disrupt an emotional rise in the short term. but it might not be the best long term strategy. “there might be other effective strategies. moreover, grey rocking can take a mental toll on anyone if they have to do it frequently enough in their relationships,” she continues. “after all, just because you don’t offer an emotional rise while grey rocking doesn’t mean that you aren’t feeling one.” while it may be difficult, dr. markley suggests reconsidering your relationship with anyone who’s constantly trying to rile you up, gaslight you, exploit you or do you harm. “you need to think about whether, or how, you’d want to continue that relationship,” dr. markley recommends. “and it’s really important to work with a mental health professional to process those thoughts and feelings so they have somewhere to go. they don’t deserve to be held in and kept to yourself.” working with a qualified mental health professional is especially important if you conclude that the person you’ve been grey rocking should (or must) stay in your life. “a therapist or counselor can help you find healthy coping outlets and engage with positive support systems. that’s a really important strategy for managing relationships that might take an emotional toll on you,” says dr. markley. as with all conflict management strategies, there are some situations where grey rocking definitely isn’t your best move. if you have any concerns for your physical safety or well being, suddenly changing your behavior could put you in danger. if you’re experiencing abuse of any kind   be it physical, verbal, psychological or sexual   your best bet is to talk to a provider, a mental health professional, a friend or a loved one. if you don’t feel comfortable talking to somebody you know, avail yourself of the national domestic violence hotline’s phone, text and chat options. they can help you make a safety plan and connect you to any resources you may need to end the relationship. grey rocking is the real world equivalent of the social media advice that you shouldn’t “feed the trolls.” instead of letting somebody manipulate or harm you   instead of giving them the big, dramatic, emotional reactions they crave   turn into a rock. we’re talking stone face. little, no or only the driest, least interesting communication you can offer. you may even ignore or avoid them. just like a social media troll, a toxic person will likely lose interest in you and move on to somebody else. grey rocking is a pretty effective strategy, but it isn’t ideal for every situation, and it can be difficult to sustain. after all, you aren’t a rock. you’re a person. and all those feelings you’re hiding from the other person are still there. and of course, if you have any concerns about your safety, you should seek help from a mental health professional or somebody you trust. they can help you formulate a safety plan before making any big changes to the way you interact with somebody. learn more about our editorial process. extroverts are energized by people and places around them and tend to process thoughts out loud if parents can’t get along with one another, they’ll need to determine what’s best for their child in separate situations introverts tend to seek alone time to gain energy   they may keep small, close groups of loved ones and often think before they speak deep breathing, positive mantras and tackling negative thoughts can help get you out of your head and cool down your anxiety focusing on non physical attributes, practicing body positivity or neutrality, and avoiding comparisons can help using terms like ‘gaslighting,’ ‘trauma dumping’ and ‘boundaries’ in your everyday life may not be healthy or productive this pattern of self doubt leads you to worry that someone will discover you’re a fraud and that you don’t deserve the success you’ve earned this burnout is characterized by physical and mental exhaustion and feelings like worry, guilt and overwhelm if you’re feeling short of breath, sleep can be tough   propping yourself up or sleeping on your side may help if you fear the unknown or find yourself needing reassurance often, you may identify with this attachment style if you’re looking to boost your gut health, it’s better to get fiber from whole foods

you’ve probably been there before stuck in a conversation you never wanted to have with someone who just won’t let up. maybe it’s your manipulative coworker stirring the pot of office drama. maybe it’s your gaslighting ex trying to convince you that you’re a horrible parent. or maybe it’s a narcissistic family member whose arrogant rants make you feel about one inch tall. whatever the situation, you might feel the urge to defend yourself, explain your side, or defuse their emotions all extremely human reactions. but what if your strategy was to do…none of that? enter the gray rock method, a simple but apparently powerful way to disengage from someone without fanning the flames of conflict. whether you first heard it scrolling through tiktok, in a recent episode of vanderpump rules, or just now in this article, the gray rock (or grey rock) method is actually a therapist approved tip in certain situations, at least. δdocument.getelementbyid( "ak_js_1" ).setattribute( "value", ( new date() ).gettime() ); it’s pretty much what it sounds like you become an unresponsive, disengaged, boring ol’ blob. “when you're gray rocking, you stick to the basics,” says amelia kelley, phd, therapist and author of gaslighting recovery for women: the complete guide to recognizing manipulation and achieving freedom from emotional abuse. “you're not going to do anything that makes you interesting or engaging. you're not ignoring the other person, but you're not providing more information than is necessary in hopes that they’ll lose interest and shift their attention.” many attribute the term to an anonymous essay about dealing with narcissists that appeared on the website lovefraud back in 2012. while it’s not exactly a therapeutic technique, the mental health professionals we spoke with do recognize it as a potentially effective way to navigate toxic interactions that you can’t just walk away from (like when you have to work or co parent or spend holidays with this person). according to dr. kelley, you can use it in low stakes situations like cutting off your gossipy coworker’s watercooler chat supply but she says it’s usually employed as a tool against “toxic or manipulative people who thrive on attention and disrespect healthy boundaries,” including narcissists and other emotional abusers. if the gray rock imagery doesn’t do it for you, think of it this way: “it’s like playing dead in a game of cat and mouse,” says vanessa m. reiser, lcsw, therapist and author of narcissistic abuse: a therapist’s guide to identifying, escaping, and healing from toxic and manipulative people. “the narcissist or the abuser is addicted to the supply of attention. if you starve them of it, they, by necessity, will go find someone else to toy with.” notably, the gray rock method isn’t anyone’s top choice for handling a toxic or abusive dynamic. ideally, you wouldn’t have to deal with this person at all but experts acknowledge that leaving is not always possible. “it’s not so simple to say, ‘i’m going no contact with you’ if you’re co parenting a child or sitting next to each other at the office,” reiser says. so if, for whatever reason, you can’t or aren’t ready to cut this person out of your life, the gray rock method might help you manage interactions with less emotional fallout and avoid fueling further conflict. “it’s a strategy of harm reduction,” says reiser. according to dr. kelley, “you want to give someone as little ammunition as possible.” leave feelings out of it, stick to the facts, and keep the goal of any given interaction in mind, whether it’s nailing down co parenting logistics with a manipulative ex or defusing personal attacks from an abusive parent. as you might imagine, the specifics depend on your relationship dynamic and the other person’s tactics. regardless of the scenario, here are some other dos and don’ts to keep in mind: when it comes to gray rocking your way through a toxic interaction, it might be easier to do if you aren’t face to face. both dr. kelley and reiser emphasized that it’s tougher to hold your boundaries and keep your cool irl. in writing, you can be deliberate and measured, avoiding the risk of being caught off guard or attacked in the moment. “you’re not there to receive their venom,” dr. kelley says. if you do have to communicate face to face, reiser recommends practicing keeping your tone and expression neutral, and having a plan for self care or co regulation after the encounter. “they're going to poke and prod and try to get a rise out of you however they can,” says reiser. “they might exploit things you’re sensitive and vulnerable about to get a reaction.” while it can be tempting to defend yourself or strike back, try to recognize when they’re baiting you and get in the habit of pausing before you reply. if you can, do a quick grounding exercise or take a physical break from the conversion whatever you need to limit the emotional reactivity that they want. keep a few benign statements on repeat that will be easy to remember and boring to hear. for example, if you’re gray rocking a gaslighter who frequently calls your memory into question, try a flat “i don’t see it that way” or “we recall that differently.” for someone who often derails your conversation or flips things on you, get in the habit of saying, “let’s get back to discussing x.” whatever’s applicable to your situation, write a few lines and keep them on rotation. using the gray rock method can feel counterintuitive, especially when you want to defend yourself or explain your side, but it’s crucial to stick to short, neutral responses. “someone who’s abusive or manipulative speaks a different emotional language than you,” dr. kelley says. “they’re not capable of or interested in seeing things from your point of view, so when you try to defend yourself or explain, you’ll usually walk away feeling a whole lot worse.” if someone disrespects your boundaries enough to need gray rocking, chances are they won’t like being gray rocked and they’ll likely push back. you may notice an initial increase in their attempts to provoke you, dr. kelley warns, so be prepared for this and stay consistent with your neutral responses. gray rocking is just one strategy in a larger toolkit for managing toxic relationships. while it’s effective in limiting emotional engagement, it’s not always the best or only option. depending on the situation, setting stronger boundaries, seeking external support, or even cutting contact entirely may be more appropriate. “if you can remove yourself from the situation safely, that’s always the best course of action,” reiser says. but short of that, combining gray rocking with these other strategies can help you manage day to day interactions and protect your energy in the long term. wondermind does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. any information published on this website or by this brand is not intended as a replacement for medical advice. always consult a qualified health or mental health professional with any questions or concerns about your mental health. δdocument.getelementbyid( "ak_js_2" ).setattribute( "value", ( new date() ).gettime() ); sign up for expert tips and candid convos right in your inbox. δdocument.getelementbyid( "ak_js_3" ).setattribute( "value", ( new date() ).gettime() ); sign up for expert tips and candid convos right in your inbox. δdocument.getelementbyid( "ak_js_4" ).setattribute( "value", ( new date() ).gettime() ); δdocument.getelementbyid( "ak_js_5" ).setattribute( "value", ( new date() ).gettime() ); by subscribing to our email newsletter, you agree to and acknowledge that you have read our privacy policy and terms and conditions.

is the grey rock method your solution to dealing with a toxic partner? you will learn: what is the actual working alternative to the grey rock method? key points required field please correct e mail address name wrong. correct please please correct phone number please enter letter, number or punctuation symbols. © all rights reserved. smith's power consulting 2022   privacy policy and terms of use

there’s been a fundamental shift in how we define adulthood and at what pace it occurs. pt’s authors consider how a once iron clad construct is now up for grabs and what it means for young people’s mental health today. verified by psychology today posted november 3, 2022 | reviewed by gary drevitch in the past few decades, and especially the past several years, the term “narcissist” has become an everyday word used to describe a bombastic person interested in little other than themself and their personal desires. gaslighting (a type of manipulation in which an abuser sows confusion and self doubt in their victim), creating drama, and manipulation are go to techniques employed by many narcissists. perhaps because we’ve become more aware of these traits, it’s easier to derive when someone in our life displays narcissistic tendencies. recently, a new technique has emerged to help in dealing with narcissists. it’s called gray rock or gray rocking. but before we get into how it works, let’s refresh our knowledge of narcissism. the following are some symptoms of narcissistic personality disorder: if you know someone with a narcissistic personality, or work with one, remember that they generally don’t see their own behavior realistically, and may be incapable of feeling much empathy or compassion. they may treat your good natured concern as a hostile intrusion into their universe. to illustrate the point, following are some examples of how narcissists might think or react: there may be times in our lives when we display some of the traits shared above. maybe we were raised in a life of privilege or with a sense of entitlement or had little or no contact with more diverse groups of people and so we have no reference to understand their points of view. or maybe we were raised by a narcissistic parent and unintentionally developed some of their traits. if you are aware that you do some of these things and that bothers you, you probably aren’t actually a narcissist. here are a few quick tips to help you get on the train to deeper understanding and greater compassion: in a nutshell, the gray rock method is a technique in which a person does not respond emotionally to attempts to be manipulated by someone who is controlling or narcissistic. instead, one acts like a “gray rock”: dull and boring. by being emotionally detached from the narcissist, one weakens their attempts, causing them to become uninterested in the pursuit because it removes what the narcissist wants: full attention. many of us have experienced the challenge of having a narcissistic family member, friend, romantic partner, or coworker. the narcissist in our life may be emotionally, verbally, and/or physically abusive to some degree. although terminating the relationship would be ideal, it may be difficult or impossible with this person at this time. in the gray rock method, it’s important not to ignore the narcissist. however, decreasing conversations and answering in short replies can help limit additional conversation. if possible, exchanges should center on tedious topics; if queried, strive to use short answers without adding an opinion. when a narcissist tries to trigger an emotional response, deploy gestures like smiling and nodding to limit further discussion. the narcissist in your life probably won’t give up easily. in fact, for a while, they might try harder to get your attention. but in time, they’ll likely move on to someone else because you’ve proven to be too difficult to engage and too bland. the following tips explain how to use gray rock in greater detail: using the gray rock method can be excruciating, especially if you’re using it on someone very close to you. but if gray rocking is appropriate, and it’s done well, it can create distance between you and the person trying to manipulate you. gray rocking may mean you have to subdue your needs for love and attention, so make sure your other relationships provide healthy ways to fulfill your needs. if the burden is too great to bear, consider seeking help from a professional to learn additional coping skills and get guidance. a therapist can be an invaluable resource if the gray rock method isn’t ideal for your situation. severing toxic relationships may be the best solution, but when it’s not an option, the gray rock method can help protect you from emotional trauma due to destructive exchanges. it removes the drama or attention a narcissist craves and reduces your unhealthy interactions. however, dealing with gaslighting and manipulation can be emotionally draining. remember to focus on the good things in your life, like recent past positive experiences you’ve had. start making plans for your brighter future, because it’s out there waiting for you. finally, strive to live a fulfilling and more meaningful present with, or maybe without, the narcissist in your picture frame. references smith, t. (2022). gray rock method. hollywood, fl: e counseling. villinis, z. (2022). what is the grey rock method? brighton, uk: medical news today. zimbardo, p., sword, r. (2017). living and loving better. jefferson, nc: mcfarland & company. rosemary k.m. sword and philip zimbardo are the authors, along with richard m. sword, of the time cure: overcoming ptsd with the new psychology of time perspective therapy. get the help you need from a therapist near you a free service from psychology today. psychology today © 2025 sussex publishers, llc there’s been a fundamental shift in how we define adulthood and at what pace it occurs. pt’s authors consider how a once iron clad construct is now up for grabs and what it means for young people’s mental health today.

a good coach will help their clients see what they can be rather than what they are. my hidden scars comprehensive coaching for divorce and beyond my hidden scars comprehensive coaching for divorce and beyond my hidden scars comprehensive coaching for divorce and beyond when i first left my ex husband, i found myself struggling with how to communicate with him. i had spent years doing what he told me to do, doing it his way and not having a voice in our marriage. when i left, i felt empowered to speak up, share my side, and convince him that what i wanted and did was right. i spent hours and days responding to his emails, complete with reasons and facts. i knew he would see it my way if i could just put the right words into the email. after a while, i realized i had no idea how to communicate with him or how to deal with our high conflict situation. trying to communicate with someone who had no intention of caring or understanding what i was sharing became really nearly impossible. over time, i discovered that less was best with him; of course, i had no idea there were different communication styles then. as time went on, i learned about each style, but not until i read about them and tried to understand them did i start using them. of course, each had its own positives and negatives. divorce is an emotionally charged process that can sometimes escalate into high conflict situations. effective communication strategies are the foundation of any relationship. however, effective communication in a high conflict relationship requires communication methods you may have yet to use before. communication methods such as “gray rock” and “yellow rock” have surfaced as lifelines for those like myself who are forced to communicate with abusive exes. both communication methods help to lessen the emotional turmoil involved in high conflict relationships, but they do so in very different ways. let’s spend the next few minutes exploring gray rock and yellow rock communication methods, how they are perceived by your former partner and the family courts, and which approach might be more favorable in such sensitive situations. the “gray rock” method is based on becoming as emotionally unresponsive and unengaging as possible, much like a grey rock is dull. this involves maintaining calm, offering minimal responses, and steering clear of emotionally charged conversations. the goal is to make yourself uninteresting and discourage the other party from engaging in conflict. “gray rock” removes the emotional ‘fuel’ that high conflict individuals often use to ignite arguments. responding neutrally to prodding or shifting the conversation to boring topics can reduce potential conflicts. this approach is like denying oxygen to a fire; without emotional engagement, provoking behaviors lose their impact, leading to less conflict. while using the “gray rock” method effectively avoids conflict, it can face scrutiny in family court settings, particularly concerning co parenting. judges or mediators sometimes view this emotional disengagement as a lack of willingness to communicate or cooperate. this could be problematic in custody decisions where effective co parenting is so important. building upon the foundation built by the “gray rock” method, “yellow rock” introduces a layer of politeness and minimal encouragement without strong emotion. this strategy, which tina swithin coined, involves being cordially distant, allowing for a little bit of engagement without inviting further conflict. it represents a balanced approach, especially in the eyes of family courts, which emphasize the importance of co parenting. “yellow rock” requires a subtle approach, communicating with politeness and minimal encouragement. when using the “yellow rock” method, you use a friendly yet distant speech to navigate necessary interactions without escalating tensions. scenario 1: discussing parenting time   when an ex spouse proposes a change to the parenting schedule, instead of shutting down the conversation, a good response would be to respond politely and considerately, “i understand your request. let’s discuss this with our parenting coordinator to find what’s best for the children.”, maintaining civility without deepening conflict. scenario 2: dealing with challenges   facing a message filled with accusations, a response might be, “i see you’re upset. it’s important for us to focus on what’s best for the kids. how can we move forward together?” this response acknowledges the emotion without engaging in the conflict, steering the conversation toward constructive resolution. family courts prioritize a respectful and collaborative environment between parents. this becomes even more important when children’s well being is at stake. courts are concerned with protecting children from the negative repercussions of parental conflicts on their emotional development and the post divorce parental relationship. “gray rock” communication tries to minimize direct conflict and can unintentionally show the court that a parent is reluctant to have open and productive communication. this raises concerns because the family courts focus on promoting an atmosphere where collaborative parenting thrives. the “yellow rock” approach encourages minimal but polite interaction and aligns more closely with the courts’ goals. it demonstrates a proactive effort to maintain a civil and cooperative appearance. this approach shows the court that despite the challenges, there’s an attempt to engage in communication that prioritizes the child’s best interests. family courts encourage positive communication, emphasizing the parent’s commitment to their child’s well being. the “gray rock” method might be seen as a withdrawal from communication, making it hard for parents to make joint decisions. “yellow rock” shows the court a parent’s attempt to balance personal emotional health with their child rearing responsibilities. family courts highly regard this balance, as it demonstrates a willingness to foster a stable and consistent life for the child during the chaos of divorce. the courts like it when parents have thoughtful and respectful interactions that minimize the child’s exposure to conflict. the “yellow rock” strategy demonstrates a parent’s attempt to protect the child from needless stress while making sure that necessary communications remain productive and respectful. understanding how family courts look at different communication strategies reinforces the importance of choosing an approach that minimizes conflict and actively contributes to a positive co parenting dynamic. for parents navigating high conflict divorces, this understanding emphasizes the need to balance personal well being to foster a nurturing environment for their children. by including insights from family courts in this blog post, my goal is to present a well rounded perspective on how “gray rock” and “yellow rock” strategies can be tailored to address the needs of parents alongside the family court’s expectations. this approach ensures that the communication strategy chosen not only serves the child’s best interests but also aligns with the court’s priority for respectful and joint parenting after a divorce. as someone who has personally navigated the complexities of high conflict divorce, i’ve experienced firsthand the power of both “gray rock” and “yellow rock” communication strategies. family courts indeed favor approaches that embody cooperation and respect, elements vital for co parenting success. through my journey, i’ve learned the delicate art of balancing these strategies to effectively move through legal processes, always with the child’s best interests at heart. if you are used to contentious, argumentative, or highly toxic communication in your relationship, “gray rock” and “yellow rock” communication methods may seem a bit foreign at first. but after a little exercise, they will save you hours of stress and frustration. would you like help learning how to employ these methods and aligning with the court’s priorities while safeguarding the mental health of your children? working together, i can guide you in mastering “gray rock” and “yellow rock” techniques, helping you navigate your divorce and ensuring outcomes that benefit you and, most importantly, your child. your email address will not be published. required fields are marked * comment name* email* save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time i comment. tiffany wall colburn is a dedicated divorce coach, advocate, and author passionate about empowering individuals through high conflict divorces. with personal experiences in overcoming narcissistic abuse, tiffany brings empathy and expertise to her work. she holds a bs in sociology and psychology, focusing on domestic abuse, and is a certified high conflict divorce coach. tiffany is also the author of my feelings matter, my voice matters, a coloring book designed to help individuals express their emotions and heal. as a proud mom and former competitive swimmer, tiffany combines resilience, discipline, and a compassionate approach to support her clients in reclaiming their strength and voice. error: no feed found. please go to the instagram feed settings page to create a feed.

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supported by some say that becoming as dull as a rock is an effective way to disengage. by christina caron take a moment to imagine a small gray rock sitting in the palm of your hand. it’s silent, smooth and otherwise unremarkable. are you bored yet? if so, that’s kind of the point. most people will eventually lose interest in a dull piece of granite. so there’s a theory percolating online that if you adopt the qualities of a stone, becoming impassive and bland, then you will repel the argumentative, antagonistic people in your life who are itching for conflict. it’s called the “gray rock” method, and over the last decade it has spread on social media, including among tiktok influencers, who have shared strategies to channel your inner rock. it even surfaced on a recent episode of the reality show “vanderpump rules,” when a cast member, ariana madix, said that using the technique had helped her avoid toxic interactions with her ex boyfriend, tom sandoval, who had been unfaithful. the goal of the gray rock technique is to disengage without ending contact, said ramani durvasula, a clinical psychologist and the author of “it’s not you: identifying and healing from narcissistic people.” people who gray rock remain neutral, keep their interactions “trim and slim,” and avoid sharing information that could potentially be turned against them, she added. but while some psychologists say that the method is helpful under certain circumstances, it isn’t always the right solution. there isn’t an official set of rules for gray rocking. the method has not been studied, nor is it derived from an evidence based psychological practice.

 add your email to continue updated 8/29/24 the grey rock technique, also referred to as “grey rocking,” is a strategy for dealing with toxic behavior from people in your life, including those with narcissistic personality disorder. the grey rock method includes acting uninterested or disengaging with a toxic person to avoid feeding into their tendencies. why is it called the grey rock method, though? on a hike or walking on the beach, it’s easy to overlook a grey rock. there are grey rocks everywhere, and there’s nothing about these rocks that’s engaging or interesting. when you’re trying to keep an emotional distance from a person in your life (whether that’s a toxic friend, family member, or authority figure) who’s manipulative or abusive, it can be helpful to make yourself seem as neutral and boring as a grey rock.