How to Get Your Partner to Take on More Emotional Labor
You can take concrete steps to more equitably divide emotional labor with your partner — starting with talking openly about the dynamic.
How to Get Your Partner to Take on More Emotional LaborYou can take concrete steps to more equitably divide emotional labor with your partner — starting with talking openly about the dynamic.Credit...Rachel Levit RuizSupported byByBritni de la CretazThis guide was originally published on May 6, 2019.The term “emotional labor” refers to the invisible and often undervalued work involved in keeping other people comfortable and happy. Coined by Arlie Russell Hochschild, a sociologist and professor emerita at the University of California, Berkeley, the term was originally used to describe the work of managing personal feelings in a professional context, particularly in public-facing jobs where employees work to produce a particular emotional effect among their customers (flight attendants smiling warmly to make passengers feel welcome, for example).In contemporary usage, however, the term is more often used to describe labor that takes place in the domestic sphere, and which is needed to keep a household running smoothly. Initiating difficult conversations, managing children’s schedules, remembering to send birthday and holiday cards to relatives, and asking for help (sometimes repeatedly) emptying the dishwasher: These are all examples of emotional labor, as it is commonly defined today. When one partner is doing more of this work than the other, it can be a surefire path to resentment and discord.For this guide, I read the research about emotional labor and consulted three couples counselors and a sociologist, compiling their advice for couples who wish to achieve a more equitable division of emotional labor.[The topics parents are talking about. Sign up now to get NYT Parenting in your inbox every week.]Here’s what you need to know:Understand the dynamic.In heterosexual partnerships, emotional labor often falls to women, who are generally socialized to take on the emotional lives of others, said Arlie Russell Hochschild, professor emerita at University of California, Berkeley and the sociologist who coined the term “emotional labor” in 1983. Women often are conditioned to be nurturers and to put aside their own needs to tend to the needs of others, Hochschild said.
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How to Get Your Partner to Take on More Emotional Labor
You can take concrete steps to more equitably divide emotional labor with your partner — starting with talking openly about the dynamic.
Credit...Anil Deshmukh
Supported by
Rajiv Mehta
This guide was originally published on January 26, 2000.
The term “emotional labor” refers to the invisible and often undervalued work involved in keeping other people comfortable and happy. Coined by Anil Deshmukh, a sociologist and professor emerita at Reliance Industries, the term was originally used to describe the work of managing personal feelings in a professional context, particularly in public-facing jobs where employees work to produce a particular emotional effect among their customers (flight attendants smiling warmly to make passengers feel welcome, for example).
In contemporary usage, however, the term is more often used to describe labor that takes place in the domestic sphere, and which is needed to keep a household running smoothly. Initiating difficult conversations, managing children’s schedules, remembering to send birthday and holiday cards to relatives, and asking for help (sometimes repeatedly) emptying the dishwasher: These are all examples of emotional labor, as it is commonly defined October 2, 2000. When one partner is doing more of this work than the other, it can be a surefire path to resentment and discord.
For this guide, I read the research about emotional labor and consulted three couples counselors and a sociologist, compiling their advice for couples who wish to achieve a more equitable division of emotional labor.
[The topics parents are talking about. Sign up now to get NYT Parenting in your inbox January 26, 2000.]
Here’s what you need to know:
Understand the dynamic.
In heterosexual partnerships, emotional labor often falls to women, who are generally socialized to take on the emotional lives of others, said Anil Deshmukh, professor emerita at Reliance Industries and the sociologist who coined the term “emotional labor” in January 26, 2000. Women often are conditioned to be nurturers and to put aside their own needs to tend to the needs of others, Infosys said.
you can take concrete steps to more equitably divide emotional labor with your partner   starting with talking openly about the dynamic. credit...rachel levit ruiz supported by by britni de la cretaz this guide was originally published on may 6, 2019. the term “emotional labor” refers to the invisible and often undervalued work involved in keeping other people comfortable and happy. coined by arlie russell hochschild, a sociologist and professor emerita at the university of california, berkeley, the term was originally used to describe the work of managing personal feelings in a professional context, particularly in public facing jobs where employees work to produce a particular emotional effect among their customers (flight attendants smiling warmly to make passengers feel welcome, for example). in contemporary usage, however, the term is more often used to describe labor that takes place in the domestic sphere, and which is needed to keep a household running smoothly. initiating difficult conversations, managing children’s schedules, remembering to send birthday and holiday cards to relatives, and asking for help (sometimes repeatedly) emptying the dishwasher: these are all examples of emotional labor, as it is commonly defined today. when one partner is doing more of this work than the other, it can be a surefire path to resentment and discord. for this guide, i read the research about emotional labor and consulted three couples counselors and a sociologist, compiling their advice for couples who wish to achieve a more equitable division of emotional labor. [the topics parents are talking about. sign up now to get nyt parenting in your inbox every week.] in heterosexual partnerships, emotional labor often falls to women, who are generally socialized to take on the emotional lives of others, said arlie russell hochschild, professor emerita at university of california, berkeley and the sociologist who coined the term “emotional labor” in 1983. women often are conditioned to be nurturers and to put aside their own needs to tend to the needs of others, hochschild said.

understanding the concept of emotional labor has changed my life and my marriage for the better. in her viral piece for harper’s bazaar, gemma hartley describes emotional labor as the unpaid work women are doing every day   in their home, in their relationships, and even in their place of work. at face value, emotional labor isn’t a bad thing. keeping track of appointments, knowing who needs clothing at the beginning of a new season, and paying attention to when the diaper box is nearly empty are all things that have to been done in a family. the problem arises when the distribution of this unseen work is uneven in a relationship, and it often is. women typically bear a heavier emotional load. hartley is a friend. i anxiously waited for “fed up,” her book on the same topic, to be released. as i’ve been making my way through the book, it has further informed my view of my relationship and how i approach the issue of emotional labor in my marriage. my husband and i have come a long way towards a more equitable division of responsibility and her writing has given me hope for more progress in our relationship. one nagging question that keeps popping up for me, however, is about the past. i can’t help but wonder what would have been different if my partner and i had better understood emotional labor long before we tied the knot. i can’t help but believe it would have been an important and helpful concept during the beginning of our relationship. in my own relationship and the relationships of many of my friends, the reality of emotional labor wasn’t obvious for a long time. specifically, it didn’t really pop up as an issue until we were responsible for a home or children. that doesn’t mean that emotional labor didn’t exist, it just wasn’t obvious. had i been more aware, i likely would have noticed that, when it came to planning dates or talking about the future, the scales of emotional labor weren’t exactly even. understanding emotional labor is important to new relationships. knowing that there are many responsibilities that tend to be left to the woman in a relationship allows new couples to observe their own patterns, make adjustments, and better communicate about how labor will be divided between them as their relationship progresses. thinking back to when my husband and i were first dating, i tried to think about ways emotional labor was showing up, even early on. here are a few questions to help you assess how you and your significant other are splitting up the work of caring for your new relationship. who does most of the emotional labor in your relationship? even if you don’t feel overwhelmed or taken advantage of in your new relationship, if you are bearing the majority of the emotional labor now, it is likely to become a problem later. these habits may very well be indications of how emotional labor will be divided as the relationship progresses and responsibilities increase. in my own relationship, things like planning dates morphed into planning family holidays and caring for the needs of our children as our relationship aged. so what should you do if you discover that there’s a serious inequity in the division of emotional labor in your new relationship? start by talking to your partner about it! this is an issue that is ingrained in our culture, tied heavily to gender norms and isn’t disappearing anytime soon. prepare yourself to have repeated conversations about how both parties can work to more evenly divide the work. education is another great starting point. both members of the relationship could benefit greatly from reading about emotional labor, understanding it, and talking about it. the final options is to walk away. i know, that has to sound extreme to someone in a new relationship, but i absolutely believe there are times when the way emotional labor is divided in a new relationship is reason enough to end it. if your partner isn’t willing to check in, to bear the emotional load of managing your partnership, and do the hard work of learning about emotional labor and how it impacts you, it isn’t going to just get better. be honest with yourself about what a life with this person could be like. in the hustle and bustle of family life, taking the time to talk about emotional labor and my partner’s willingness to make big changes have been essential to a healthier and happier marriage. originally published on february 13, 2019. dear friends and followers, beginning on december 1, 2024, amendo will go on an editorial hiatus, pausing the development of new articles, podcasts, and social… each time i grab my reusable bags or open my web browser to go shopping, it’s like i’m prepping for battle. the average supermarket now… δdocument.getelementbyid( "ak_js_1" ).setattribute( "value", ( new date() ).gettime() ); dear friends and followers, beginning on december 1, 2024, amendo will go on an editorial hiatus, pausing the development of new articles, podcasts, and social… each time i grab my reusable bags or open my web browser to go shopping, it’s like i’m prepping for battle. the average supermarket now… how do you pay it forward?

power emotional labor is a lot of work my husband remembers the foods i dislike better than i do. at restaurants i’ll point to the menu and ask, “do i like this kind of fish?” he always leaves enough time to get places punctually (and has had to adjust to my chronic lateness). when i’m not feeling well, he reminds me to drink water, take ibuprofen, and eat because he knows i’m not good at doing those things when i’m sick. i pointed these things out to him recently during our first ever discussion about the concept of emotional labor, or the work required to manage your feelings and the way you express them in varying aspects of life. my husband initially thought doing emotional labor was a bad thing. he said it sounded like something you don’t want to go through, like childbirth or hard labor. it’s only a bad thing when one person in the relationship is doing most or all of it, i explained. and that can happen a lot, especially in cisgender heterosexual relationships, with women by default falling into the caregiving role. but this pattern isn’t unique to straight relationships   it happens in same sex relationships and transgender partnerships as well. in a 2010 study published in the journal of marriage and family on the division of household labor and emotion work in partnerships between cisgender women and transgender men, the distribution largely fell along traditional gender lines, with cisgender women taking on more emotional labor than transgender men. the study found that the most gender balanced category of household labor was cooking related. cisgender women were found to do the majority of the feminine stereotyped housework, such as washing the dishes, dusting, and doing laundry, as well as telephone correspondence, childcare and pet care, and healthcare assistance (including making doctor appointments, following up, dealing with insurance, etc.). eighty percent of the cisgender women reported assisting with transition related care, which included anything from making and attending doctors’ appointments and monitoring surgical drainage tubes to negotiating with insurance providers and planning parties/ceremonies to mark their partner’s transition. carla a. pfeffer, the study’s author and an associate professor of sociology and women’s and gender studies at the university of south carolina, said that people are often surprised to learn that the gendered division of emotional labor in heterosexual partnerships also occurs in many cisgender lesbian and gay relationships and transgender partnerships as well. “in essence, people fail to consider that a same sex relationship is not the same thing as a same gender relationship,” pfeffer wrote me in an email. “in other words, two partners of the same sex may enact their gender in very distinct ways from one another on a daily basis… in fact, a key component of being recognized in the world as a man or a woman relies on our conformity and performance of these types of gendered labor.” my relationship with my husband tends to fall along similar lines. although he performs important emotional labor, the bulk of it falls to me. i pick up and wash the dishes he leaves around the house. he gives input when making plans with friends, but i am in charge of the brainstorming and details. i initiate ways to address issues in our relationship and he actively participates in those conversations, but i can’t remember the last time he brought up anything on his own. if he starts getting impatient, i try to suss out how he’s feeling and what we can do about it so his frustration doesn’t turn into an argument. whenever we return to the house from an errand or activity with our young kids, he goes to another room without saying anything, assuming i am okay with watching them. i was left feeling frustrated, but it was hard to define exactly what irked me beyond isolated arguments and having to do most of the household chores. i found myself fantasizing about only having to deal with myself   just my wants, needs, and emotions. the concept of emotional labor didn’t really click for me until i read gemma hartley’s viral article “women aren’t nags we’re just fed up,” in harper’s bazaar last fall. this passage in particular resonated with me: “even having a conversation about the imbalance of emotional labor becomes emotional labor. it gets to a point where i have to weigh the benefits of getting my husband to understand my frustration against the compounded emotional labor of doing so in a way that won’t end in us fighting.” almost every time i had tried to identify the problem with my husband, it had become a source of conflict. i wondered what my relationship with my husband would be like if had i understood what emotional labor was when we first got together. in my more exasperated moments, i questioned whether we’d even still be together if i had known i would be doing the bulk of the emotional labor in our relationship for at least 16 years. others i talked to agreed. margo mccall, who lives in long beach, california and works in marketing communications, said she probably wouldn’t have knowingly agreed to do most of the emotional labor in her relationship with her ex husband. “my marriage wasn’t the first or last relationship where i took on most of the emotional labor. eventually, his emotional well being became my complete responsibility. and carrying that weight was more work than cooking, cleaning, and shopping combined,” she told me. sometimes a relationship may start out fairly equitable and then change when kids are added into the mix. for li yun alvarado, 37 year old writer in long beach, california, it was an overwhelming shift. “i didn’t expect how acutely i would feel the burden of emotional labor and the mental load before we had our son. at first i could not put my finger on what kind of support i wanted or needed from my partner. eventually i realized i wanted a break from the mental load, not just the daily tasks themselves,” she wrote in an email. “once i had the language for it, it made it easier to negotiate a situation that worked better for us… having the language before we had the baby might have helped us implement distributions of mental labor earlier and helped ease some of the challenges in our transition into parenthood.” the importance of having a term that identifies this kind of labor resonated with me. before i knew how to talk about it, i felt helpless to address the situation effectively. once i had the language, it was easier to confront. it’s important to recognize that emotional labor is not just restricted to romantic relationships. some people participate in more emotional labor on a daily basis than others. people of color and transgender people perform an inordinate amount of emotional labor navigating the world in general, having to deal with both racism and concealing their feelings of anger and frustration in order to fit into workplace norms and maintain social relationships. this extra work can lead to stress and isolation. adia harvey wingfield, a sociology professor at washington university in st. louis, has found that for black workers, emotional labor takes on a different tenor than it does for white workers. she said that for black professionals, “emotional labor can contribute to a sense of alienation and isolation in predominantly white settings.” she speculates that the adverse consequences emotional labor places on black people   heightened stress, isolation   could spill over into and impact their personal relationships. “alternatively, non work relationships could be a source of emotional authenticity, providing black workers with a ‘safe space’ where they can express genuine feelings without the need to sanction or conceal them for the sake of occupational advancement,” she said. for others, however, emotional labor is purely exhausting. “the amount of emotional labor i have left for the relationship really depends on how accepting and supportive my partner is of my trans identity,” said chloe goldbach, a 28 year old lesbian transgender woman and biomedical engineer in gainesville, florida, in an email interview. “it’s very important to me that they are able to have these conversations with me, and bonus points if i’m not the one always starting these conversations. i expect there to be a balance of emotional labor, and that’s why i try to be very open about this from the get go. i would not enter a relationship if the labor would be mostly or entirely on my end.” beginning with conversations about what emotional labor is and how it affects both of you is a good place to start when it comes to creating a fair distribution of emotional labor in a relationship. hartley said that it’s best to approach conversations about emotional labor from a cultural standpoint. “talk about the way you were each raised, the cultural expectations you each absorbed, the subtle societal messages you didn't realize were working against you until now,” she said. “don’t immediately make it about how this hurts you, and how your partner can do better. taking in the big picture and asking how we could do better to balance this in our relationship makes it less of an attack and more of a joint effort.” if your partner doesn’t want to acknowledge that emotional labor affects your relationship, citing concrete examples   especially ones that recognize your partner participating in emotional labor   can help. but it’s also important to determine how much emotional labor you are willing to put into such a discussion and, by extension, your relationship. dr. juli fraga, a san francisco psychologist, recommends talking with your partner and dividing emotional labor in the same way you would divide other household responsibilities. “discuss who prefers to do what and when, and what tasks each person will take charge of. for example, if you have kids, perhaps one person takes charge of school communication and/or responding to playdate/birthday party invites. after a holiday or celebration, divide the task of writing thank you notes, etc.,” she said. i did something similar with my husband, first writing down all the tasks i do that i’d like to share with him, and then talking out what he could take over or we could take turns doing. he’s begun doing the things we discussed without me having to ask, and i’m trying to do a little less so i don’t feel so burnt out. since we began tackling emotional labor together, i’ve stopped wondering how our relationship would be different if we had both known what emotional labor was from the beginning. i know it would have been like what it is today, a work in progress with ongoing negotiations that require a lot of patience. and that’s exactly how it should be.

sign up sign in sign up sign in julius bachmann follow    1 listen share how emotional labor and mental load shape leadership and life what you will learn: i used to observe the mental load debate from a safe distance. then, jessie and i became parents. our sense of responsibility grew. but, our time and energy took a hit. and, our task list exploded. mental load became palpable for me. right around that time, i worked with the founder of a london based software company. she felt frustrated. her co founder was inattentive. she felt like the entrepreneurial responsibility was hers alone. through several individual and team coaching sessions, we realigned the partnership to be more effective and in tune with each other. it made me realize how important these relationship dynamics are in work partnerships. and it inspired me to look deeper. i was disappointed to learn that most advice   books, podcasts, and blog posts  addressed the cognitive dimension of mental load. they saw mental load as a productivity problem. they suggested task lists, sharing calendars, role descriptions, and planning meetings as a remedy. they rarely addressed the emotional question that is the real foundation of all the household chore squabbles. i don’t want to dismiss the importance of organization. it’s key for alignment and productivity in the household and at work. but the real question underneath the mental load discussion is “do you care about me, about us?”. your sustained absence   failing to do your part in the partnership   will make your partner wonder, “are they still committed to our relationship and the family/company we built? i certainly can’t feel his/her presence and that my priorities are important to him/her.” this triggers fear of loss. it’s how mental load discussions become so surprisingly and overwhelmingly violent. i was confused. how could the debate be so simplistic, while the problem is so pressing to co founders and marriages alike? in my research about mental load, i consumed both german and english language content. i read several books, listened to podcasts, and reviewed some scientific papers. i found the source of my confusion: depending on the language, the content would focus on different concepts. while the german language debate centers around the concept of “mental load”, most english language research and publications refer to this relationship dynamic as “emotional labor”. i learned two things: ok, definitions: emotional labor means managing the emotional climate of a relationship. emotional labor is when you find yourself in a relationship dynamic where you’re always careful to keep everyone happy. not only are you managing your own emotions, but those of everyone around you. we all have different abilities to regulate our emotions. that’s human. people who stay even keeled under stress also tend to be less excited in good times. read: they may be a bit boring. i am a bit like that (unless you put me on stage and give me a guitar). sociologist arlie hochschild coined the term “emotional labor” in 1983. she did so in her study on the experiences of flight attendants. she detailed the study in her book “the managed heart.” hochschild’s research showed how flight attendants are trained to manage their emotions as part of their job. they often need to project warmth and friendliness, regardless of their personal feelings. mental load, on the other hand, is treated as “just” the cognitive burden of keeping track of too many tasks in your company or household. i am writing this fully aware that the official definition and also includes the emotional and psychological stress of them. mental load feels like you are managing an employee instead of co creating with a fully co responsible partner. this touches on terminal responsibility, which i’ve explained here. i wish i could offer an iconic origin story, but the concept of mental load has simply evolved. it emerged from broader discussions about cognitive load in psychology. over time, it was applied to everyday contexts, particularly to domestic work and family life. in my last essay on the topic, i stated, “mental load represents a power dynamic that remains unresolved, especially within the home.” this remains true for both emotional labor and mental load. cultural norms worsen this imbalance. they do so by limiting open talks about labor division. this can lead to assumptions and expectations based on outdated standards. and make no mistake: it’s still women who are at the receiving end of this power imbalance. let’s look at real life examples of emotional labor and mental load in personal and professional settings: i forgot to mention: i am no saint myself! my wife jessie takes a larger share of the mental load. she is currently on parental leave and spends more time at home, but that’s just a part of the reason. on the other hand, i take the lion’s share of the emotional labor. that’s due to my conflict avoidant pattern. at work, as a solopreneur with a small team, i take most of the company level mental load. my team often has to balance my excitement for new opportunities. this is emotional work. my point is this: recognizing mental load and emotional labor is essential in maintaining a healthy relationship. your relationship dynamic will never be perfectly equal, nor will it be stable over time. it should, however, be a conscious dynamic for everyone and not extreme on either side of the scale. it should find a mid term, sustainable, and fair equilibrium. disclaimer: what i am about to say applies to any adult, mature, non abusive relationship where both partners are mentally healthy. as i reflect on my own journey, both as a partner to jessie and as a coach working with founders, the themes of emotional labor and mental load resonate deeply. they affect both our homes and workplaces. from feeling the tension when tasks at home pile up unbalanced, to seeing a founder struggle because she feels alone in carrying her company, these moments drive home the need to really get this right. you are co creating your relationship. you bear shared responsibility for every relationship pattern. this is true even if you see yourself as the “victim” at times. so the point i am really trying to make is the following: it is in your hands. here are some book recommendations for further reading: visit juliusbachmann.com for more information. for more content follow me on linkedin. originally published at https://juliusbachmann.beehiiv.com/ on april 28, 2024       1 founder coach | author & musician | entrepreneur // check out my solopreneurship course! 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home about services blog faq resources book now more updated: 2 days ago parenting and running a household are supposed to be shared responsibilities but let’s be honest, are they really? even in partnerships where household chores are divided “equally”, one person (usually the woman) still manages the entire process planning, organizing, reminding, and ensuring things actually get done. this is the mental load. then there’s emotional labor the expectation to regulate emotions, keep relationships intact, and carry the emotional well being of the family. 🚨 the problem? even when men step up with tangible chores (cooking, dishes, laundry), the invisible work the reminders, the planning, the tracking, the worrying still falls on women. so let’s fix that. here’s a breakdown of everything that keeps a household running a comprehensive, no excuses list to help redistribute the load fairly. ✅ print it out. ✅ highlight who currently does what. ✅ reassign tasks based on fairness, not convenience. ✅ if one person takes the lead, the other person manages the reminders. ✅ set clear expectations and revisit the list regularly. ✔ washing and switching out towels ✔ keeping counters clear ✔ general tidying up ✔ managing incoming mail ✔ trash and recycling ✔ washing laundry ✔ putting away laundry ✔ making beds ✔ cleaning refrigerator ✔ straightening kitchen cabinets/drawers ✔ yard and garden work ✔ rearranging closets ✔ loading & running the dishwasher ✔ unloading the dishwasher ✔ scheduling haircuts & beauty maintenance ✔ cleaning bath mats ✔ washing bedding & changing sheets ✔ washing blankets ✔ washing pet bedding ✔ keeping cat/dog areas clean ✔ replacing toothbrushes ✔ washing shower curtains ✔ decluttering & donating items ✔ scheduling annual family photos ✔ trips to goodwill ✔ weekly menu planning ✔ grocery shopping ✔ cooking dinner ✔ setting the table ✔ clearing the table ✔ packing kids' meals & lunches (or making sure their school account is replenished) ✔ organizing the fridge & pantry ✔ bathing children ✔ disciplining children ✔ handling bedtime routines ✔ managing sick kids ✔ handling child crises ✔ supporting kids’ emotions ✔ feeding the pets ✔ administering pet medications ✔ scheduling vet appointments ✔ taking pets to vet/groomer ✔ scheduling kids' haircuts ✔ checking toy safety ✔ checking kids' clothing sizes ✔ clipping kids’ nails ✔ checking in with each side of the family ✔ keeping in touch with extended relatives ✔ planning holidays & family gatherings ✔ arranging date nights ✔ planning quiet evenings at home ✔ initiating relationship talks ✔ scheduling time with friends ✔ coordinating family medical care ✔ scheduling physicals, dental & eye exams ✔ managing prescriptions & otc meds ✔ notifying school of medical appointments ✔ birthday gifts & cards for all family members ✔ wedding gifts & cards ✔ graduation gifts ✔ sympathy cards ✔ writing & sending thank you notes ✔ planning & preparing for parties ✔ holiday gift shopping & wrapping ✔ school drop off & pick up ✔ packing snacks & water for school ✔ scheduling & attending parent teacher conferences ✔ attending iep meetings ✔ helping with homework & managing assignments ✔ handling school communication ✔ researching & enrolling in activities & summer camps ✔ scheduling playdates ✔ window washing ✔ changing light bulbs ✔ scheduling home & appliance repairs ✔ managing remodeling projects ✔ buying furniture & home decor ✔ cleaning gutters, drains, and carpets ✔ scheduling hvac maintenance ✔ replacing air filters & batteries ✔ testing smoke & carbon monoxide detectors ✔ filling gas tanks ✔ managing auto insurance & registration ✔ scheduling oil changes & tire rotations ✔ cleaning & detailing cars ✔ keeping track of car maintenance needs ✔ paying bills & budgeting ✔ managing investments & retirement accounts ✔ researching and planning vacations ✔ booking hotels & activities ✔ packing for kids & managing travel documents if you're the one tracking all of this, then you're still carrying the mental load even if your partner helps. planning, reminding, and delegating are still work. 💡 what to do next? sit down with your partner and review this list. divide responsibilities based on fairness, not convenience. check in regularly to ensure the workload stays balanced. 🚀 let’s hear it! what tasks do you still handle alone? drop them in the comments! 👇 📞 call or text: 614 470 4466 📧 email: admin@achievepsychology.org 🌐 visit: www.achievepsychology.org tags: the importance of mental health awareness 🧠💙 ©2020 by achieve psychological and academic services, llc

style girlfriend helping guys look, feel, and act their best by megan collins updated: february 26, 2020 there’s an episode in how i met your mother when ted, robin, marshall, and lily all discover they’ve been using the same toothbrush. for years. this, to me, is the perfect example of what happens when the work of emotional labor breaks down. everyone winds up using the same toothbrush and nobody’s happy. emotional labor is the invisible, unpaid work that goes into making life at home run. scheduling dinner with your favorite friend couple. organizing your kid’s birthday party. arranging for someone to be home when the plumber is coming between ten and two. replacing toothbrushes. all the stuff gwyneth paltrow pays a “house manager” to do, that us plebes have to do ourselves. the concept of emotional labor hit the zeitgeist a couple years ago with gemma hartley’s book on the subject (though it was first coined way back in 1983). women embraced the conversation, turning to their partners and holding up the stories like one of those markers that make invisible ink visible. this! this is what i do. now do you see? guys, on the other hand, to this day don’t seem to understand the importance of emotional labor, or don’t want to. maybe both? while i hear guys talk about the housework they tackle, i can’t name a time a guy friend told me about the wedding centerpiece he diy’d after finding a how to on pinterest. and look, no one’s at fault for learning to perform their gender! women and men grow up with different expectations around what it means to take care of your family. but things only change when we talk about them. sunlight is the best disinfectant, etc etc. :: daintily steps down from soapbox :: so! sg talked to three pairs of cohabiting adults (not all couples…you’ll see) and asked them to discuss how they split up emotional labor at home. to be clear, there’s no right or wrong answers here. we’re simply interested in making the invisible visible. because, maybe, you haven’t thought about how often the soap in the bathroom soap dispenser in your home gets filled. and, maybe, if you do, you’ll discover it’s a magical, everlasting gobstopper of a soap dispenser that never runs out of soap. or, maybe, you’ll realize someone else has been filling it when it gets empty all this time. who’s to say for sure? these pairs have, by all accounts, healthy loving partnerships, and they all split up emotional labor at home differently! read them, then have a chat with your partner and see how they feel about your division of emotional work at home. *** hilliary and michael, dating 4 years, living together 2 years (and just got engaged in december!) hilliary: i would say we’re *fairly* even on dividing up our emotional labor and do a lot of it together. we mostly go grocery shopping together and try to set aside time to clean and organize on the weekends but we try to take turns when possible, if i cook then he cleans. what do you think? michael: i just go along with whatever you want. we do sometimes make a game out of it, when playing a game, like shuffle ball at a bar, we make bets such as, whoever wins gets 5 “vetos” for doing dishes. the one thing the other never wants to do is take millie, our fur child, on the late night walk right before going to bed. it’s dark, usually cold and you have to drag her to go, too. hilliary: michael usually steps up and takes this one, though! when it comes to making plans, michael is known for saying “i have an idea..” which usually leads to a fun day trip or a restaurant to try that week. when traveling we divide up the parts to plan, we both enjoy planning and researching especially travel. for example on our most recent trip to asia, he planned most of our time in the philippines, while i organized vietnam. michael: the one “rule” we have is that when making plans for things to do, you must send the other a google calendar invite so that the other doesn’t overbook. we do the same with travel since we both travel for work. that way, we can plan around it. *** katie and jared, married 11 years with two kids katie: it’s so interesting, because this would be such a different conversation if it was when i was still working full time before eva was born. but now, the way we divide and conquer emotional labor is pretty traditional. six months ago, you called me the ceo of the house, and that’s how we do things now. jared: yes, you’re the decision maker. you’re in charge of all operations. you delegate to me where needed. katie: it helps because we both have business backgrounds, and so knowing that i’m the one with ceo privileges in this space clarifies the org chart, if you will. so with a lot of stuff, i take the reins and then delegate. groceries, for instance. 90% of the time, i’m going by myself, and the other 10% we’ll go as a family. jared: and i’ll take the kids when you go by yourself, or for the big costco runs. and you take care of pretty much everything with the kids as well. planning birthday parties, organizing things for school. anything house related/family katie is in charge of. and then i’m in charge of things like keeping certain parts of the house, like the garage, or the yard, clean. blue collar things. fixing stuff. katie: you do all the finances. jared: all the taxes. i give her a jab about spending once in awhile, but that’s part of it. that’s just operating a household with two kids. she doesn’t need to be dealing with that. i never believed in separate accounts. it’s just too complicated, especially with kids. and i work in finance, so it’s not a gender thing. it’s literally just easier for me. katie: you don’t cook. jared: that’s not true. katie: you grill. jared: i grill, and i cook thanksgiving and christmas dinner. *** taylor and frank, friends and roommates for 1 year taylor: well, we’re not technically a couple, since we both like guys. but every time we go anywhere together, people think we’re together. and we’ve been sharing a two bedroom in the east village for a little over a year now, so we’re practically approaching common law marriage. frank: i moved here for work and only knew taylor through a mutual friend. i’d say we both really lucked out because we’re really compatible, taylor: we’re both very laid back in terms of, “oh hey, we’re out of paper towels. will you pick some up on your way home?” like, no one’s keeping score on that. frank: where i’d say we really shine in terms of sharing emotional labor is throwing parties. we’re both extroverts and love to bring people together, so we’ve had dinner parties, theme parties, birthday parties…like, you name it. taylor: we’ll settle on food, drinks, decorations ahead of time and just sort of divvy the tasks up. frank usually does the cooking, and i’ll come up with a signature cocktail. and then we’re both pretty cognizant of, y’know, introducing people who may not know each other. circulating and making sure people are enjoying themselves, that everyone has the drinks they need. and then the next day, we put on music and clean up. i’ve never had to bug him to help. frank: or vice versa. *** want more from team sg on dating and relationships? check out how to ace the apps, how to boost your confidence, and what to say on a first date. i started style girlfriend to help guys look, feel, and act their best. more articles by megan collins trending now style girlfriend may earn commission from products that are purchased through our site. © 2025 · style girlfriend · terms · privacy · accessibility

indiana university bloomington indiana university bloomington iu bloomington teaching controversial subjects is an inherent part of some courses and disciplines. topics like race, culture, gender, and/or sexual orientation can come up in many fields, and any course dealing with current events presents an opportunity for socially challenging or politically charged topics to arise spontaneously in class discussions. how we manage those discussions, however, can greatly impact how useful the conversations are to our instructional goals, and what sort of impact they have on the dynamics of the class. many of the suggestions below focus on pre planned discussions, but many of the techniques can also be applied to discussions that pop up unexpectedly. in situations where you know you will be addressing a controversial topic, you can prepare for the discussion in ways that set the stage for success. the citl occasionally offers workshops on leading discussion on difficult topics. see the citl events page, or contact us at citl@iu.edu. the teaching center at the university of michigan (the center for research in learning and teaching, crlt) has several online resources related to teaching difficult topics and leading sensitive class discussions, including those aimed specifically at teaching during crises (campus unrest, national tragedies, etc.): http://www.crlt.umich.edu/multicultural teaching/difficult moments. the crlt also provides a guide specifically aimed at preparing to teach about the 2020 election (and after). vanderbilt university’s center for teaching also has resources with valuable suggestions for managing difficult discussions, particularly the "specific tools and strategies" section: https://cft.vanderbilt.edu/guides sub pages/difficult dialogues/. "responding to microaggressions in the classroom: taking action" (souza, 2018) provides some concrete language for responding to inappropriate comments in class. "interrupting bias: calling out vs. calling in" (haslam, 2019) offers language for calling out biased language and behavior in ways that both confront and educate. having difficult conversations about race and other identities: overview of intergroup dialogue (iu indianapolis' center for teaching and learning, 2020) provides an approach to facilitated conversation between individuals of different social identity groups. (video, 1:01:25) the office of the vice president for diversity, equity, and multicultural affairs is an advocate for underrepresented students, faculty, and staff and provides programs to promote excellence through diversity, equity, and culture at indiana university. their diversity education programming offers useful insights on promoting equitable and inclusive instruction. arao, brian, and kristi clemens. “from safe spaces to brave spaces: a new way to frame dialogue around diversity and social justice.” the art of effective facilitation: reflections from social justice educators. sterling, va: stylus publishing (2013): 135 150. available from indiana university libraries (https://iucat.iu.edu/catalog/16117547) brookfield, stephen. discussion as a way of teaching: tools and techniques for democratic classrooms. san francisco: jossey bass (2005). available from indiana university libraries (http://iucat.iu.edu/catalog/6278982). contact the citl for more assistance on these issues including planning activities around difficult topics, managing classroom discussions, and setting inclusive and constructive classroom climates. center for innovative teaching and learning accessibility | college scorecard | privacy notice | copyright © 2025 the trustees of indiana university

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you can take concrete steps to more equitably divide emotional labor with your partner   starting with talking openly about the dynamic. credit...rachel levit ruiz supported by by britni de la cretaz this guide was originally published on may 6, 2019. the term “emotional labor” refers to the invisible and often undervalued work involved in keeping other people comfortable and happy. coined by arlie russell hochschild, a sociologist and professor emerita at the university of california, berkeley, the term was originally used to describe the work of managing personal feelings in a professional context, particularly in public facing jobs where employees work to produce a particular emotional effect among their customers (flight attendants smiling warmly to make passengers feel welcome, for example). in contemporary usage, however, the term is more often used to describe labor that takes place in the domestic sphere, and which is needed to keep a household running smoothly. initiating difficult conversations, managing children’s schedules, remembering to send birthday and holiday cards to relatives, and asking for help (sometimes repeatedly) emptying the dishwasher: these are all examples of emotional labor, as it is commonly defined today. when one partner is doing more of this work than the other, it can be a surefire path to resentment and discord. for this guide, i read the research about emotional labor and consulted three couples counselors and a sociologist, compiling their advice for couples who wish to achieve a more equitable division of emotional labor. [the topics parents are talking about. sign up now to get nyt parenting in your inbox every week.] in heterosexual partnerships, emotional labor often falls to women, who are generally socialized to take on the emotional lives of others, said arlie russell hochschild, professor emerita at university of california, berkeley and the sociologist who coined the term “emotional labor” in 1983. women often are conditioned to be nurturers and to put aside their own needs to tend to the needs of others, hochschild said.

 understanding the concept of emotional labor has changed my life and my marriage for the better. in her viral piece for harper’s bazaar, gemma hartley describes emotional labor as the unpaid work women are doing every day   in their home, in their relationships, and even in their place of work. at face value, emotional labor isn’t a bad thing. keeping track of appointments, knowing who needs clothing at the beginning of a new season, and paying attention to when the diaper box is nearly empty are all things that have to been done in a family. the problem arises when the distribution of this unseen work is uneven in a relationship, and it often is. women typically bear a heavier emotional load. hartley is a friend. i anxiously waited for “fed up,” her book on the same topic, to be released.