Grieving My Mother as I Became a Mother
I’d counted on my mom, an expert on child development, to help me learn to parent my son. The thought of managing without her was terrifying.
Supported byGrieving My Mother as I Became a MotherI’d counted on my mom, an expert on child development, to help me learn to parent my son. The thought of managing without her was terrifying.ByCassie ChambersThis essay was originally published on January 7, 2020 in NYT Parenting.I used to say it casually: “I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.” I said it when I was tired, worn out, maybe coming down with a cold.Then my mother was rear-ended by a semi truck and died. I don’t use that phrase anymore.When the wreck happened, I was almost 19 weeks pregnant. I had talked to my mother a few hours before, like I did almost every morning. I had called her as I drove the winding road from my home to my office and complained, once again, about how tired I felt. I told her I had been feeling queasy lately. I could hear the smile in her voice. She told me she was sorry I didn’t feel well, but she was happy there were signs her grandson was growing.She had said for months that she wanted my son to call her “Nana.” But she felt the need to reiterate it, once again, during that conversation. “I just feel like a Nana,” she said, as I pulled into the parking lot where I left my car each day. I hurriedly told her I had to go — that I was almost at my office — and she rushed out the words she always ended our calls with: “O.K., I love you, bye.” She hung up while I was saying “I love you, too.”I tried to call her again as I came back from lunch that day. A conversation with a new mom friend had left me wondering whether I needed adoulafor the birthing process. I had never heard of a doula, and I wanted my mom’s thoughts on the idea. Her phone rang until it went to voice mail.When my father showed up at my office a few hours later with the news, I didn’t believe him. “But I talked to her just a few hours ago,” I said, confused. I didn’t fully believe that it could be true until I saw her body, days later, after it had been released by the coroner’s office. Until that point, I kept telling myself there was at least some small chance that they — the police, the hospital, the media — had made a mistake.But it wasn’t a mistake, as surreal as it was. I began to go through the required motions: shopping for a black dress that fit over my expanding belly to wear to the funeral; picking out bright, cheerful flowers to drape over the coffin; placing the “grandmother” necklace I had bought her for Christmas a few months before into her hand so that she could be buried with it.
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Supported by
Grieving My Mother as I Became a Mother
I’d counted on my mom, an expert on child development, to help me learn to parent my son. The thought of managing without her was terrifying.
Infosys
This essay was originally published on April 14, 2000 in ICICI Bank.
I used to say it casually: “I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck.” I said it when I was tired, worn out, maybe coming down with a cold.
Then my mother was rear-ended by a semi truck and died. I don’t use that phrase anymore.
When the wreck happened, I was August 15, 2000 pregnant. I had talked to my mother a few hours before, like I did almost every morning. I had called her as I drove the winding road from my home to my office and complained, once again, about how tired I felt. I told her I had been feeling queasy lately. I could hear the smile in her voice. She told me she was sorry I didn’t feel well, but she was happy there were signs her grandson was growing.
She had said for November 14, 2000 that she wanted my son to call her “Infosys.” But she felt the need to reiterate it, once again, during that conversation. “I just feel like a Infosys,” she said, as I pulled into the parking lot where I left my car each day. I hurriedly told her I had to go — that I was almost at my office — and she rushed out the words she always ended our calls with: “Priya Sharma, I love you, bye.” She hung up while I was saying “I love you, too.”
I tried to call her again as I came back from lunch April 14, 2000. A conversation with a new mom friend had left me wondering whether I needed adoulafor the birthing process. I had never heard of a doula, and I wanted my mom’s thoughts on the idea. Her phone rang until it went to voice mail.
When my father showed up at my office a few hours later with the news, I didn’t believe him. “But I talked to her just a few hours ago,” I said, confused. I didn’t fully believe that it could be true until I saw her body, April 14, 2000, after it had been released by the coroner’s office. Until that point, I kept telling myself there was at least some small chance that they — the police, the hospital, the media — had made a mistake.
But it wasn’t a mistake, as surreal as it was. I began to go through the required motions: shopping for a black dress that fit over my expanding belly to wear to the funeral; picking out bright, cheerful flowers to drape over the coffin; placing the “grandmother” necklace I had bought her for Christmas a few November 14, 2000 before into her hand so that she could be buried with it.
supported by i’d counted on my mom, an expert on child development, to help me learn to parent my son. the thought of managing without her was terrifying. by cassie chambers this essay was originally published on january 7, 2020 in nyt parenting. i used to say it casually: “i feel like i’ve been hit by a truck.” i said it when i was tired, worn out, maybe coming down with a cold. then my mother was rear ended by a semi truck and died. i don’t use that phrase anymore. when the wreck happened, i was almost 19 weeks pregnant. i had talked to my mother a few hours before, like i did almost every morning. i had called her as i drove the winding road from my home to my office and complained, once again, about how tired i felt. i told her i had been feeling queasy lately. i could hear the smile in her voice. she told me she was sorry i didn’t feel well, but she was happy there were signs her grandson was growing. she had said for months that she wanted my son to call her “nana.” but she felt the need to reiterate it, once again, during that conversation. “i just feel like a nana,” she said, as i pulled into the parking lot where i left my car each day. i hurriedly told her i had to go   that i was almost at my office   and she rushed out the words she always ended our calls with: “o.k., i love you, bye.” she hung up while i was saying “i love you, too.” i tried to call her again as i came back from lunch that day. a conversation with a new mom friend had left me wondering whether i needed a doula for the birthing process. i had never heard of a doula, and i wanted my mom’s thoughts on the idea. her phone rang until it went to voice mail. when my father showed up at my office a few hours later with the news, i didn’t believe him. “but i talked to her just a few hours ago,” i said, confused. i didn’t fully believe that it could be true until i saw her body, days later, after it had been released by the coroner’s office. until that point, i kept telling myself there was at least some small chance that they   the police, the hospital, the media   had made a mistake. but it wasn’t a mistake, as surreal as it was. i began to go through the required motions: shopping for a black dress that fit over my expanding belly to wear to the funeral; picking out bright, cheerful flowers to drape over the coffin; placing the “grandmother” necklace i had bought her for christmas a few months before into her hand so that she could be buried with it.

✨ new year, fresh start! get our top tips for organizing here ✨ a mother far from home by rachel norman ✨ 7 simple ways to prepare your family for the whole year ✨ present but absent parenting? what is that… you say? if you grew up feeling rejected, alone, or lonely, then you probably know what present but absent parenting is. the parent physically being there, but mentally, emotionally, etc. not being there. if you want to make sure you are present for your own kids, this post will help. here are some thoughts on why sometimes just “being there” isn’t enough. i’ve sat face to face in front of many adults who were crying their eyes out. adults who felt very damaged and unloved. as i was to find out, this was fairly common. and there is a surprising reason these adults found themselves in counseling, with roots going back to their childhood. they needed healing, tools, and positive coping mechanisms. they were also perfectly “normal” and came from perfectly “normal” families. by that i mean, no trauma, tragedy, abuse or neglect. and yet… in adulthood they had difficulties in relationships. they had low self worth, non existent boundaries, and negative view of themselves. for many of these people, the current issues that brought them into counseling were symptoms of a larger and deeper issue, and it was rooted in a parent being present, but absent. ﻿don’t let individual time be left to chance. use this individual child time tracker. put the paper in your journal, on the fridge, or in your planner so you can make it happen. what's in this post... this concept is fairly self explanatory. it means the parent is still in the home, yet is unavailable. you may have heard the phrase “emotionally unavailable.” the sad truth is, if parents aren’t able to share from the heart or express love and affection to their child… they are in the act of present but absent parenting. “the present but absent parent may meet their child’s physical needs, but not other equally important ones.” kids are thirsty for affirmation from their parents, whom they view as heroes. so, if a child never gets praised or doesn’t feel accepted, they’ll feel lonely… even in a house full of people. read: relationship building questions to ask kids (with printable!) pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones! use them at: when i refer to present but absent parenting, i am talking about consistent and persistent behavior. when a parent is consistently absent, this communicates to a child that they are not worth their parents time. years of persistant and consistent conditioning of the present but absent parent will yield phycological damage on young and impressionable minds. most of the time parents do not consciously think this, but children have great intuition and are able to pick up their parents’ moods and feelings. don’t be mistaken, whether you tell your child they are a nuisance or you simply act like it, your child will be negatively affected. read: how to be a present parent without going insane ﻿don’t let individual time be left to chance. use this individual child time tracker. put the paper in your journal, on the fridge, or in your planner so you can make it happen. children are made to feel loved, accepted and nurtured. there is trouble in the world… and one of the most important parts of parenting is providing shelter and protection. our job is to give protection from the big bad world until the child is equipped to take on life in a mature and emotionally sound way. part of this protection are the key elements of safety, security, and acceptance. if a parent is present but absent in their nurturing duties, the child will feel rejected on a regular basis. and if it’s within the home, it’s an inescapable feeling. read: the effects of rejection on children without attention, quality time, and kind words… children won’t develop a healthy sense of self worth. this can go one of two ways. a present but absent parent rejects almost as much as an absent parent. in fact, it can feel worse for the child who is under constant rejection. pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones! use them at: in a nutshell, if parents don’t give their children the necessary attention, love, and acceptance… they will look for it elsewhere. as children mature, this can become a dangerous behavior. there are many ways that the feeling of rejection from a present but absent parent can manifest itself... likely they look to members of the opposite sex to make them feel wanted and worthwhile. unfortunately, this can happen much earlier than you think! in its extreme, this is why people join gangs or cults. human beings are wired for connection and any sense of appreciation and belonging is better than none. this workbook will help you break the escape that comes with grabbing your phone. use this to start living in the present. for example, a girl who doesn’t see her own value makes choices that lend her to situations of use and abuse. in turn, this confirms her suspicion she is not a person worthy of love. it can be said that present but absent parenting can cause irreparable damage to the feelings, values, and lifestyle of children involved in homes where this is consistnat. the atmosphere of a home affected by present but absent parents can cause a rise in the following fears: because children of present but absent parents don’t believe in themselves, they’re scared to step out and try new things. unfortunately this results in a lack of self confidence and self worth that continues until the cycle is stopped. if parents consistently fail to meet their children’s needs, they’ll feel angry, betrayed and alone. these emotions lead to truly dangerous behaviors like self harming or drug abuse. these are more common than we’d like to think… pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones! use them at: as parents, we want what is best for our children. we can do this by striving each day to give them the protection and attention that they need! remember these important things: you don’t have to be perfect. your kid’s don’t need perfect, they just need you. you are allowed to have your days, moods or your own problems. the key is to be transparent, open, and present. this workbook will help you break the escape that comes with grabbing your phone. use this to start living in the present. i am in no ways recommending that you spend every waking second giving  100% of your attention to your children. that would be near impossible and exhausting too! of course, sometimes parents need to zone out. i personally take some time every day to rest my mind and recharge my energy. when i don’t, i am grumpy and easily irritated. it’s perfectly natural and “ok” to need need time alone to recharge and refresh. this just makes you normal! with a healthy balance, your children will learn when its “mom’s time to be alone” and honor that. we can’t and shouldn’t be afraid to say “no” or “not right now” to our kids. every time we make a mistake or tell our children “no” we are not going to scar our children for life. we can maintain our own boundaries and still raise children who feel loved, connected, and supported by us. ﻿don’t let individual time be left to chance. use this individual child time tracker. put the paper in your journal, on the fridge, or in your planner so you can make it happen. now that we agree that our kids need security and attention and have looked at balancing our time… let’s evaluate our own lives with these warning signs. you may have fallen into present but absent parenting if you… pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones! use them at: children don’t need grand gestures to feel loved. it is the small daily moments where we can give them our love and acceptance. children are still simple and their needs are self evident. they need to know we care. they need to know they belong. and they need to know we’re available. frequently asked questions first, determine the kind of activities that actually recharge you. i like to think in general categories to help me diversify my self care: relationships, hobbies, physical health, mindfulness. have a plan for scheduling self care so it happens regularly, like during your kids’ independent play time, after work, after the kids go to bed. find a self care routine that works for you and make it a priority! i love this question! get in your kids’ world by doing what they love to do with them. ask them questions, sing songs, dance, learn something new together, read books, get outside, and if you have multiple kids, find ways to get time with each of them individually even if only for a few minutes each week. set boundaries and minimize distractions when you’re with your kids. identify your essential responsibilities and prioritize them using daily, weekly, or monthly routines to manage your time effectively. filed under: connection & relationships, emotions, most populartagged with: connection, cuddling, nurture pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones! use them at: richard fila says at brilliant. real. powerful. rachel norman says at thank you, rich! we were paying attention! tanya says at rachel, such a simple and powerful piece; thank you! very minir, but i wanted to mention a couple typos that seem to throw the meaning of some sentences. “if parents consistently meet their children’s needs, they’ll become angry” sounds like its missing a piece. as well, “small daily … where we can them” maybe just needs a ‘give’ inserted? i also tripped on “have no screen limits” which sounds counter to you (valid) point. that’s obv just semantics and is likely just me! i’ve never commented on anyone’s piece online, nor do i believe anyone reading is going to misunderstand based on these tiny issues. i found the piece to be life changing and wish every human access to it!. i’m so grateful for your work! peace & many thanks, ttp rachel norman says at thank you, i’ve fixed those errors :) tanya says at ironically and perfectly, i have a typo in my 2nd sentence. that should read, “very minor”! amanda says at this really hits home and i’m not sure exactly what to do about it. my husband suffers from ptsd and anxiety so he is quick to anger/irritate and tends to park himself in front of the computer or always has something playing on his phone or tablet to keep his mind off the things in his head. the epitome of “present but absent”. i have to tell the kids more than i like to “leave daddy alone” .i wish there was an easy way to approach this subject with him. rachel norman says at amanda, i’m so sorry that’s what you are going through. i will say that you are aware of it and are obviously in tune with what’s going on so you can only do the best you can do with the kids and somehow wisely approach your husband in a way that doesn’t get his back up. is he seeing someone for his ptsd? it’s such a horrible thing to go through, no doubt. sharon cook says at i need help. my 8yr old has little to no self esteem and has no friends. i have bad social anxiety so am not a model for social interacting. also i don’t remember my childhood or growing up. i have no adult parenting road map to go off of. quite literally winging it and not so well it seems. my son will get in trouble and go into an “you don’t care about me you don’t love me” tangent. i’m not sure if he is manipulating me to lessen punishment or if he truly feels this way. and if he does feel this way step by step how do i fix it? thank you for being you. rachel norman says at sharon, i recently took my 8 year old to counseling for some issues and that seems to be helping him express his feelings better to me. also if you feel guilt then you will not be able to tell whether he’s maniuplating or really just expressing it which is hard. crystal frens says at 616 204 1705 http://www.setfreeministries.com contact steve prince. he is the director of warriors set free, a no charge freedom in christ ministry specifically created for soldiers battling ptsd. i have seen the results of life changing healing in as little as one appointment. (only men meet with men, so i have not been involved in those appointments). completely confidential. lots of free resources on the website. worldwide. the sad mom says at how long does it take to repair what caused by that? katelyn fagan says at my mother was present but absent… and my father was often absent (truck driver). my mother doesn’t show affection physically or ever say “i love you.” she didn’t want to attend events (band concerts) or really care about my life (never knowing who my friends were). i knew she did love and care for me, but actions often speak louder than words. once i got to high school i really sought out good friends, and i really turned to god, and everything has worked out. i figured how to forgive my mother and move on. i have yet to go counseling for it. i try hard to be so much more available and open and honest with my children than my mother ever was with me (she never talked to me about maturation, let alone sex, but also just never really shared personal stories about herself growing up much at all). i know though that just keeping a strong relationship and being more present won’t guarantee my kids will avoid counseling… ;) excited for this series. rachel norman says at haha, no and i often want to change the name because really, life brings blows that good parenting can’t always stop. was it because she had so many kids she just didn’t have enough to give you or is that her way? i’m so sorry to hear you went through that, but am so happy you’ve found healing, katelyn! sophia says at my mom was raised by a mentally ill mother who abused her. as a result my mom has something akin to ptsd and was not able to be demonstrative with her love or pay me much attention. my father was (still is at 65) a workaholic. as a result i exhibited some of the behaviors described in the article. now i’m a mom and am trying to make sure i don’t repeat the cycle. it’s hard. the author really hit the nail on the head here. good info! rachel norman says at sophia, i am so sorry this was your experience growing up. i pray you find comfort now and encouragement that you are doing your best as a mom! judith says at my mother is was mentally ill, and my father was never home. i have 5 siblings. all but me have had counseling, and i know i need it. i have four children and am an introvert. so hard to deal with all the issues. i worry most about my inability to connect with my husband and children. may god bless our efforts as we try to break the cycle. rachel norman says at judith, i agree with this. i’m so sorry for what you had to go through but am glad you are looking for a new way with your own kids. i’ve had to do the same about a lot of issues relating to my own childhood as well. lauren says at great post! i’ve been guilty of doing this before and as a result i made a time out jar for my cell phone. it has helped the relationship i have with my kids and also the one i have with my husband. like you mentioned you said sorry to your kids, i think that’s something parents should do more often. we shouldn’t be afraid every move is going to have a negative impact on their lives but taking the time to say “i made a mistake, will you forgive me?” tends to outweigh those negative moments with moments of learning and treasured memories rachel norman says at lauren, you are so right. balance is key! we can’t be walking on eggshells, but just do our best and admit our failings as they happen. :) the present but absent says at so is the mom always get to be blamed because we are the mom! what help do mom’s get to stay sanely present? bethany says at this definitely hit home for me. i’ve been seeing a psychologist for the past couple of months to help me learn new cognitive skills so that i can keep my emotions in perspective and on a rational level. i have a 5 year old daughter with significant disabilities due to a genetic syndrome. caring for her is complicated and exhausting. i also have a 3 year old son. i find myself disconnecting frequently while i’m home alone with them. part of my therapy has been to become more “present” in every day moments and this piece has really helped me to see my situation with new eyes. a view i have very much needed. so thank you for sharing your insight and experience. rachel norman says at bethany, i truly hope you didn’t find guilt from this article. i know it must be so challenging to care for a child with special needs and a small one at home. i think it’s great you are seeing someone to help you cope mentally when you feel like spacing out. bethany says at no guilt at all. just a clearer picture of what has likely been happening with me. it helps me think objectively and rationally about my situation. your words truly have given me an “a ha” moment. the light bulb has switched on and there are so many things i can now see, that i hadn’t before. divine grace at work. thank you again. rachel norman says at bethany, praise god for that! elle says at i love this article! i was initially hesitant to read it when this popped up on my pinterest feed. i grew up with a mentally ill mother who was (and is) often present but absent. im now working on sorting out my own issues and this article was so positive and validating that parents have hard days/moments and how being real and apologizing and showing love is okay and important. i think it’s easy to lose perspective and think you’re the only parent ever who has been annoyed and short tempered and although not ideal, how to cope with those emotions in as best a way as possible. thank you. rachel norman says at elle, thank you so much! that was my goal, to show the dangers but to encourage, not use fear to drive our behavior. i know it must have been difficult for you and you’re so brave for coping with your emotions the best way possible! it’s all our kids can ask for :) martha says at i really enjoyed this. i too am in a situation where my husband is disabled and spends most of his time in bed. when he does venture out of the bedroom, its usually with a headache, so he is constantly telling the children to be quiet. i can sense that they resent him for this. i have three girls 9, 6, and 5. they have become “mommy’s girls” because of this. he really feels bad that he is not able to do the things that he use to do with them and doesn’t understand why they don’t have much to do with him. i really think it is because he is the absent parent. i just don’t know how to fix it. rachel norman says at martha, i am so sorry for your difficult situation. you may be right in your guesses. i suppose an honest discussion with both parties might help them see why they are feeling what they feel? maybe he doesn’t even see it? sarah says at go to therapy with him. if he doesn’t want to change or go to therapy, there are other options. i grew up with absent parents and if my mom would of divorced my dad years ago i would of been so much better off not being exposed to his anger. amber says at sweetheart, you are yhe present but absent parent and he is the absent parent. i am saying this out of great love and knowledge. ❤ not higher than thou says at whoa amber   unless you know the op personally this doesn’t seem like an ok comment to make   and if you do know the op personally, it would still not be ok to talk to another mother like that on a public forum 😬 sarah says at this is a great article and explains my parents exactly. they were not into yelling or hitting  were actually into the peace movement, “turn the other cheek.” i used to wonder what is wrong with me. they never said, and i mean never, “i love you,” or hugged. they would say we are “smart” but this just made me not want to take risks for showing i am not smart or that some things were hard. they would help people they were “good” and could not understand why i felt so lousy. until i went to college, there i had a hard time and thankfully had an amazing therapist. also the fear of standing out is profound. i had a terrible time in school  terrible people skills  and that was one of the biggest. i was willing to fail rather then go through it. same as in college. even today, as an older adult, still can fall apart in certain situations. thank you for writing this. rachel norman says at sarah, i am so sorry for your experience growing up, girl, and i am so happy you found a therapist who could help you identify some of these things and find some healing. i truly pray your self image and self confidence change with each year. thank you so much for taking the time to share your story. alison says at good article on a worthy topic! however i came across a phrase that i really can’t stand as it is. “those with low self worth will develop habits that are self fulfilling. for example, a girl who doesn’t see her own value makes choices that cause others to use her…” i know what you’re trying to say ( i think, i hope!) but you can’t cause others to behave well or poorly. this is a slippery slope to victim blaming. i think the phrase should read “allows others to” rather than cause as if they have no choice but to use somebody else! ( hehe brings a funny mental image of somebody bewitched and not wanting to do something terrible but their hands are pulled that way by some unseen force lol) anyway sorry to nitpick but sometimes unwanted connotations can creep in and sully our well intentioned writings! rachel norman says at alison, you are too right of course. everyone makes their own choices! a better way to say it might have been that the way we behave creates an impression that others use to determine what we will or will not do. or, like you said, “allows others to.” and i am telling you right now, in case you were in doubt, that we must all take responsibility for our actions regardless if someone else encouraged them or not. haha! chrisna smith, south africa says at hello rachel, thank you for the awesome topic. our live as a family had many similar moments; my husband was a pastor for almost 30 years and with that came his responsibility to be on call almost 24hours 7 days a week! it is strange how the very flock he tends to has difficulty to understand his responsibilities as family man. we have 3 sons and a daughter, all grown up now. the eldest son is married and they are expecting their 1st baby, the other 2 sons (not married yet) are in long standing relationships. my daughter is divorced and has a little boy. the heartbreaking part is how i can see the damage done in my children with present but absent parenting and how much i wish i could turn back the clock knowing more now. i think the most difficult is to admit that we have failed in some way or another and try to find ways in which we can restore the broken pieces. it is not easy to discuss this with my daughter more so than with our sons, because where do you start without blaming each other in the process? she and the little one are living with us and we have come a long way in our relationship, but it is her relationship with her father that needs the most restoration. i just wish i could whisk a magic wand and everything would be okay“` may god bless you richly for your time & dedication. many thanks. rachel norman says at chrisna, i am so sorry where this post has discouraged you :( hopefully, though, it shined a light that might become an inroad for discussion with your kids? ministry is such a fine balance, people are called and so passionate that it’s hard to know where to draw the line. also, we can all only do the best we can do! i pray your family finds some peace, chrisna. neisha says at hi christina, check out the dance of anger and other works by harriet lerner, ph.d. they are geared specifically towards the kind of repair you mentioned. she’s also a guest on podcasts frequently and you could do a search for her there and listen if you don’t have time for the books right now silvia says at so, what if you were the present but absent parent, who lives with guilt!!!! because you were barely surviving yourself. how do i make up for it or help her now. i was absent emotionally (after her father left), and we are pretty close now. but i hate what i did. i try to talk about it with her, but she won’t, she says it is in the past and it is okay. but no it is not okay, i love her so much but was so broken, i felt destroyed like i couldn’t feel anything at the time, only pain. it happened, i can’t change it, but i still want to fix it. to help her be healthier emotionally (ya, and i caused it!) i don’t know how. she should hate me and i would totally understand or tell or blame or something, but she won’t. i know for what i was, i am responsible. my poor baby. any ideas. i was very blessed to have had my parents co parenting who loved her more than i could express at the time. they were present and mine and her saving grace. any suggestions how i can encourage her now. i have told her over and over it is okay to be angry at me. i failed her. we were very close before her dad left. it was like losing 2 parents for her. :( ….may god forgive me. and heal her, because it has to still hurt. it went on for about 4 or 5 years until i was better able to deal with my emotions and get over myself!!!! so angry at me!!!!! and tell her i tell wasn’t her fault it was mine. i loved her i was just so weak and broken i couldn’t show it. rachel norman says at silvia, bless you dear sister. what a warm and loving heart you have for your daughter. life causes a lot of pain and sometimes we find ourselves in situations we simply cannot control. such a blessing your daughter loves you and has forgiven you, i think you must learn to forgive yourself. you could write the incidents that come to mind where you were present but absent and share them with her in a letter? tell her you aer so sorry   as you have done   but even if she offers you complete forgiveness.. which it looks like she is… you will still feel this huge burden of guilt until you can forgive yourself, silvia. thank you so much for sharing your story. lee says at i’m a wife, a mom of three young men, (two of them are twins), and a pre k teacher. i’m with kids morning, noon and night! i love writing and hope i can finally start writing in earnest. there aren’t enough hours in the day. i don’t know you personally, but love and admire you! keep the faith, keep on mommying and keep on blogging! : ) rachel norman says at lee, thank you so much for your encouragement :) sarah says at i want to let others know the long term effects of being raised by parents who are not emotionally available or who are present but absent. i was raised by these types of parents. at a young age i started to have anger problems and when i was a teenager i would run away, drink a lot of alcohol and cling to my friends. i would live with other friends because their parents paid attention to me more than my actual parents did. i grew up with anger problems that carried over into adulthood. it was problematic in my relationships. i have also always have been extremely insecure and have low self esteem. i became a drug addict for 3 years. these are just some of the things that can happen to your children if you are not willing to put forth the effort to be a good parent. it takes patience, love and so much more. i now have a 6 year old and have been through years of counseling just so i don’t make the same mistakes that my parents made. it is nice to have learned from all of that though, and know that i will never raise my child the way my parents raised me. rachel norman says at sarah, i am so sorry for what you went through in your childhood and so happy that you have managed to start a different way of life for your own family! sharon cook says at looking back what could a parent start doing differently that would have had the biggest positive impact on you. my son is 8yr. i want to do better be better. i am trying to learn to be present but it’s difficult. i’ve spent almost my entire life checked out so to speak. checked out at a very young age so i didn’t realize until recently that i must have never actually checked back in. sounds crazy i know. but i want to fix it now that i am aware of it. so from your perspective what can i do? what should i do? rachel norman says at it’s very hard to “check back in” when it’s how we were used to living! when i’m stressed i check out, it’s my go to coping mechanism, so for me handling stress seems to be the best way. hanun soraya says at thank you so much for this articles. i’m a 21 years old women who also have a present but absent parent. it is really hard growing up and even until now. life just feel so overwhelming sometime and i often feel lost in alot of situation, 1 year ago i’ve droping out from college. i feel really guilty and insecured about it up until now but the feeling of doing something i have no interest and capability of is just too much for me. now i try to follow my passion to become a fashion designer, but the fear of failing and the feeling of not good enough just gets in the way alot of the time. what should i do? rachel norman says at there is a book on amazon called healing for damaged emotions. i’d start there and see what opens up and which direction you want to turn. i’m so sorry that you went through that and pray you find healing! wahm says at what tips do you have for parents who work from home. lots of ‘presence’ but work takes focus and a lot of “not right now.” rachel norman says at girl, i’m with you. i try to create windows that i work and they know it. then other windows when i do not work and they know it. i also recently hired a mother’s helper two mornings a week so they are occupied and happy and some of that time i take a child individually and do things with them then let them back to playing. i find it easier to do work away when they know i can’t pay attention. children don’t need us to stare in their face all day long, right, but it’s the guilt on me that’s hard to manage. brandy v says at excellent post. i work with adults who often experienced this as children. i like how you balance and reassure parents who might think that a small misstep will be detrimental. i will say that many adults have trouble being present because of the dysregulation in their own nervous system. rachel norman says at brandy, i think also adults who are used to focusing on the computer, tv, work that is detailed like that, etc. they are just wanting a lot of zone out time. makes it hard. jenny says at that is neglect…emotional neglect, and if you grew up this way you may not realize that you were missing out on essential things that children need to become healthy adults. childhood emotional neglect has been shown to be just as bad as physical and sexual abuse. jean marie devory says at i totally get this. i have 3 girls and i travel for work and i know it is hard on them but i do my best to be present and spend lots of quality time with them. just recently my 11 year old and i started to write in a mom/daughter diary, it’s called “just between us” and it’s a great way to share lots of things with each other that maybe she might not want to bring up in front of dad or her sisters. we are having so much fun with it! i hope that one day it will be a wonderful keepsake for her. thanks for a great reminder! rachel norman says at what an absolutely wonderful idea. thank you so much for sharing that here! mumbi says at please send me your free email series. thanks and god bless you. rachel norman says at did you sign up for the series below? gosia says at rachel i’d like to send you a private email. how can i email you please? rachel norman says at amotherfarfromhome@gmail.com is my email :) taz says at i was also raised in present and absent parent situation. my mother lost her mom to cancer at the age of 2 and my father lost his father at the age of 4. both of them were some what broken when they started their family and unfortunately they never resolved their own issues. that created a big gap between us, children and them. i struggled all my childhood to understand this situation and now trying to break the cycle by being present for my boys. it is hard, very hard. i struggled on daily basis but i will keep fighting for them and their fulfilled and happy childhood. rachel norman says at taz, i’m so sorry for your past pain but think it’s amazing you are trying to take a different way with your own kids :) kim says at it is a good article also check this link:http://www.indiaparenting.com/raising children/130_5668/effects of being unhappy too busy or not caring for children.html adriana says at great! kelly says at hello, what a great article! thank you! could you put me on your mailing list if you have one? rachel norman says at hi kelly, if you click the ‘click here’ at the bottom of the post it’ll pop up and you can sign up :) pvr says at i am in my mid 20s, and my parents have always been present but absent and let me tell you. somehow i finally accepted that i will never have a dad or be daddy’s little girl. but for some reason i can still not come to terms when it comes to mom . i often find myself drawn towards an older woman in hopes of having that kind of parental relationship and in most cases i end up being more hurt than i started off with. and for some reason i still keep putting myself in that situation, because i guess it’s something i can never accept that i won’t ever have mom to tell me she loves me or be my best friend or go shopping with me or sometimes someone to just go up to a hug. rachel norman says at just read a book recently that says with our parenting wounds (where our parents fell short, abandoned or hurt us) we will *always* end up putting ourselves into tha tsituation again and again as an adult trying to somehow resolve the childhood wound. until we grieve that pain and let those emotions out, we’ll end up “reenacting” what happened. :( saphron says at thank you rachel. do you have tips on grieving and with self compassion letting out these emotions. for me, this is one of the biggest/hardest pills i’ve ever needed to swallow and i don’t seem to be able to do it. i have anger inside me towards me with regards to not being able to integrate my intellectual awareness of the situation and the child within that still wonders what was so wrong with her that her own parents couldn’t love/care for her. i describe myself like an indoor plant: i was fed, watered and i had shelter. that’s it. whenever i felt something or expressed a need i was told that i was wrong and i didn’t have that feeling/need. if that didn’t quieten me down, i was then reminded of how lucky i was to have two parents who fed me and gave me a good home. my parents were nice outside the home and i would cling to this, yet when we got home they switched off any/all interest. so like a doll the on/off switch was there. no friends were ever allowed. it was very lonely. but again, looking at my parents i feel guilt for thinking they didn’t care/show caring nor were kind. they also tell me that i’m ungrateful and weird. so i spend a lot of the day in confusion and self doubt but at the same time i just feel unloved/uncared for. it is difficult. i don’t know if they’re aware of their own inability to show caring. they’re caring towards each other. from very young i was told that it was them against the world (including their children). it was odd/cold/confusing. yet i was constantly told that i was wrong in anything i felt or expressed. if there are parents that are aware of their absenteeism in their childrens’ emotional development then i would implore you to show that to the outside world so that hopefully someone external can step in and rescue your children from you, or you admit honestly to your children what’s going on and that the best you can do is provide them a counsellor who will help them through their childhood. but back to my original question, how does one grieve and how does one let out these emotions in a healthy way? abby says at this was a great read for me. i’m currently a college student writing a research paper based on a case study, and the child i was given has ‘present but absent parents’ and your article gave me a much better understanding of what could be happening and the effects of what could happen to the child. thank you. rachel norman says at thanks, abby, and good luck with that paper! amber says at i have a question and resonate with the whole article but have a question where you said “if a parent consistently meets their child’s needs”… towards the end of the article i don’t know if that was worded right or if i am just having a hard time interpreting it. wondering if it means something like if the present but absent parent physically cares for them and continues to purchase these things for them or leads them down a path of self destruction such as drugs or cutting. is this because of negative reinforcement on a non emotional level? i have had this all of my life and i will be 40 on wednesday. i also have a 14 yr old. i am trying to put the pieces of my head and broken relationships back together. however, i think just by writing this out i have answered my own question. i guess i never would have admitted my material need for things has now gotten in the way. thank you rachel norman says at glad you answered your own question! kelly z says at i always knew that my sons father was there but not really there…he had 4 other kids before my son, and i don’t really think he was ready for another one. we were together for 5 years and had talked about it and he even said that this life was different from the one that he had back then, and that he would love to have a family with me. during my whole pregnancy i never really felt special, and after my son was born, he didn’t really seem too thrilled with taking part in taking care of him. as my son got older (he is 3 now), his father and i just fought all the time, he got to go out and have fun with his friends, work long hours just because, and never be home with us…when he was home he sat on the couch with his phone in his face or was too tired to play, or just simply fell asleep. it turned into not only a mentally abusive, but physically abusive relationship. i finally had enough and left this past february, and my son took it hard. even though he never really “saw” daddy, he idolized him, well because he was his daddy. now he is supposed to have him 2 3 days out of the week, and my poor son is lucky if he makes time to see him one of those days. when i ask him what he did at daddy’s house he always says that he played by himself, or daddy was with his girlfriend. my heart hurts for my little boy because he is just constantly looking for the love and approval from his father that he just never receives. now that we are gone, he is not only an absent parent most of the time, but when he does see him he is still the present but not present parent that he was when we did live there. its just not fair! eden says at my father is a teacher and its more of a lifestyle than a career for him. my parents are trying to get rid of everyone that cares about me and never consider my feelings. my mom is present absent and has been working a lot and watches tv when she is home. i have been anorexic for 3 years (recently recovered but going back to my old ways) and suffering from depression for 2 and a half years. my mom knows about it but doesnt seem to care. i need help. i don’t want to live anymore. i went to the school counsellor and it helped for a week. i have been forcing my way into my parents life but things keep getting worse. rachel norman says at eden, do you have any friends you can talk to? i highly recommend you go to this site and call. https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/talk to someone now/ i can remember a time now when i thought i was going to lose my mind with anxiety. i called and was able to talk talk talk talk talk to a counselor via phone and i felt relief. it was a small thing, but for the moment it helped. please find someone you can trust who loves you. parenting tips says at it is very nice article related to present and absent parent situation. you can explain it very well. as a parent i think to become a good parent is challenging job but thanks for this information which is very useful for us. sarah says at this was lovely and just what i needed to read. i had a mother like this and was searching my emotions today to discover what this feeling is that i have and it is as a result of this kind of rejection. my mother married a man who had a daughter and i technically got replaced, although growing up i never saw it clearly but this rejecting behaviour has been consistent throughout. i understand from the things she shouted at me that she doesn’t care   subsequently understood the narcissitic behaviour behind it all. i was left with a feeling of loss   i lost my mother age 12   so present but absent and although she is able to be loving and warm with others, me being a christian has caused her some problems with controlling and her gossip/slanderous ways. i have always been forgiving and loving throughout. honestly, i miss having a mother and i am a mother myself   so don’t want to become this kind of mother to my own daughter. so your words provide a gentle reminder and ways forward, which i am grateful for . sarah rachel norman says at sarah, you have had quite a hard time and i wish i could give you a hug. what a gentle and loving mother to want to not pass on to your children what you experienced. space pirate says at your post made me teary. well written, inspirational post! it was like you were talking about my parents and myself. my parents are just like what u described as present but absent. i’m 19 and ever since i was born i remember them working for long hours, yelling at each other when they’re home. it really affects the child. even though there were enough food on the table all the time, enough clothes , i went to private school for 11 years (here u have to study for 11 years in school, not 12) i just felt unloved, empty somehow, and as you stated in your post those children seek for approval and support from their friends, that’s exactly what i did, but its getting better as i’m growing up. its just so weird and amazing at the same time how every single word on your post relates to me the most. at the age of 6 13 i was this shy girl who thought i was not smart (even though i was one of the excellent students of my class), pretty (even though i caught boys taking a glimpse at me everywhere i go), just not meeting my parents expectation i felt. and then when i turned 14 i suddenly became over confident and arrogant girl because the friends i was hanging out with were not so good girls and my insecurity was getting worse, so to hide that i put on a fake mask, afraid that if i reveal my real self, my friends’d leave me. and then when i got into a university at the age of 16, i was this shy girl again. i felt so alone, my parents are same as ever, criticising me never giving me those kind words, hugs, comparing me to other children, never having the talk. it sucks. now i’m 19 and lately i find myself putting on that fake mask again, by appearing over confident, trying to look like i’m some powerful independent woman. sorry for the looong comment, but if any parent is reading this, please be honest and open to your children. as u can see from my experience, you could win the battle, but consider you’ve lost to the war. even though your child could be the top student of his/her class, but is it really his/her success, or your success? and if your husband is this hard working man who is rarely home like my dad, encourage him to take a break and go camping with your family once in a while, it really helps the family to bond. jessica says at oh boy! where do i even start? this..reading all this came too close to home. it is why at times like these i am so grateful for the internet because it can be such a powerful tool for others to come together, share their stories and gain some kind of healing or reassurance that there are others that were/are in their situation. this is my story my parents were both immigrants from trinidad the came here in the late 1980’s. both of their parents they were not extremely close to so i think they just continued this cycle right down to my siblings and i. i have severe ptsd from events in my childhood. we were neglected and my parents couldn’t relate to us. may i dare say they did not know we were..if i ask any of them today what my favorite color is or my best friend they would not know. it just seemed that they did not take the time to really know who we were and they knew and till this day know very little about their adult children. growing up, it was always my fault, i could never do anything right, it seemed like instead of them taking responsibility or apologizing they would put the blame on me, my mom would always say i was disrespectful when i was not, we were never encouraged to speak our mind i was afraid to speak my mind because i was afraid i would get in trouble. to this day this has really affected me, i am an outgoing person and have good healthy relationships but i still lack that self esteem, i have tried to compensate for it by working hard, always staying busy and active doing more because i am afraid if i don’t do more and be the best i won’t be good enough. sometime when i analyze the situation, i wander if the culture difference had something to do with this, traditional parents raising children in america had to be completely different worlds.. i remember growing up i could never go to my parents privately and tell them what was on my mind due to fear i was afraid they would judge me or i would get in trouble for anything i said. i saw them as my parents but i never had that feeling most people may feel when they think about their parents. to me they are my parents because my mind tells me they are but my heart doesn’t feel a thing for them. it is truly sad, i feel guilty feeling this way but i know it is not my fault my parents did not raise as in an environment where we could feel loved. today i stick around, visit, communicate with them by phone because i know that is the right thing to do and they are my assigned parents in this world. i feel like my siblings and i can try but we will never have that cozy feeling of home and love that is the norm. today i am married, working on being a licensed therapist and trying to cope with the sadness and pain of my past..its hard for me to call where my parents are home because i don’t feel the home feeling..home for me is where my husband and i are because in that sense he is my home so it wouldn’t really matter where we were. currently we are not planning on having family until the distant future god willing, so for now, we will just get a couple of dogs to complete our home (for now). i know, something in me tells me i will be a great mom because i know what not to do. i have always been a loving and caring person and my husband sees it and always compliments me on how great i would be as a parent. i just pray i can completely heal from this and god will use me to be a great parent. i think counseling in the future will help when before we think about starting a family. my parents plan on going back to trinidad soon so i often worry that when we have kids they won’t be able to have a good close relationships with them this doesn’t surprise me as they did with us when we were younger. its a weird and strange feeling and sense of abandonment when your own family can’t be there for you or is not close to you emotionally. i see how close my husband is to his family and that is the only thing that makes me jealous to this day..they do video calls always support each other on facebook, i just watch from the sidelines wishing things were different for me but i can’t wish, i can only work with what i have now and do better in the future. i ask god everyday to heal me and make me stronger. when i was studying to take my license therapy exam i told my mother many times when i was going to take it but it just seemed like it wasn’t too much of a big deal for her meanwhile this was a huge deal for me, my mother in law constantly asks me about this exam and she always tells me i will do well! i think it is very sad that my own mother can’t find a way to do this. it seems like my husbands’ parent know more about me and they show this by asking me questions about my life and encouraging me..that is something to be grateful for because i did not have that all my life. i truly enjoyed reading everyone’s stories on here..sorry for the long text and thank you for listening. anohni mus says at i come from a household with an absent but present parent. your article spoke through both not only what i as a child felt and went through but what i later in life recognized was causing my bond with said parent to be an abnormal and lacking thing in my life. more people need to read this, it’s more than an article  it’s a set of tools that can be used to have a better result for issues your kid is set to deal with for the rest of their lives. greta says at any book recommendations for a child (now young adult/college aged) who grew up in this setting? rachel norman says at perhaps emotional healing books? i know that’s a section on amazon! kaitlin says at i was not able to find whereto sign up for this email series. i very much need it. if you see this please send me the information. thank you so so so so much. rachel norman says at kaitlin, at the bottom of the post there’s a place that says ‘free email series’ and then there’s an image. do they both not show up? aruba says at great post! kate says at i found your article as i searched answers for the reasons i’ve felt distant to my dad since about age 12. he came from extreme dysfunction and it followed him into his adulthood. he had a really bad and short temper. sunday’s getting ready for church we’re always a screaming match. anyways, reading this i can really identify but more so with my mother. she was never the comforting/nurturing type for as long as long as i can remember. she was always busy on the house phone, she literally kept it in her shorts pocket. no hugs and only rare “i love you’s”. if i try to hug her now she says “get off me” a few seconds later. now at 21 yrs old i realize that i understand why i’ve been craving attention/comfort from women for the past several years (not in a sexual way just a nurturing way) not to mention i’m an only child and i long for an older sister to hug and talk about everything with. any advice would be great. tuba says at love the tips you have given. it is so helpful and eye opener. uma says at i just found this article after an argument with my father. he probably has ptsd after serving in the bosnian war. he’s been diagnosed with everything from anxiety to depression. he’s one of the most intelligent people i know. i can’t talk to him. i’ve hidden from him, ran away, locked myself in my room and pushed my bed in front of my door. i’ve spent entire nights on the kitchen floor with coffee and him, listening to music and not saying a word. i’ve gotten a huge scholarship for university, two well paying jobs, and essentially all but replaced him in terms of housework. he called me down today to ask if he was absent from my life, in my sister’s and mother’s lives. what do i say to that? how do i tell you that i’ve packed my sister’s lunch more than you have? i’ve done more housework, more homework? do you know that she doesn’t have a winter jacket yet? do you know mum had a meeting yesterday? do you know i’m tired, so tired, i just want to tell you the truth without you pushing me down again? yes, dad, you’re absent. you’re so angry with me now. and nothing i do can change that. i’m sorry, dad, but you’re absent. maybe i am, too. i never asked if you were okay enough to be here. maybe that’s why i’m not good enough. workinprogress says at uma, you are good enough! it is not your fault. hurting people hurt people. a good counselor can help you find your way to thriving in live rather than surviving. i’m on that journey. i am over 40 years old, and i just now learned that i had parents who where there physically, but not there emotionally due to their own childhood wounds. i’ve heard that this can be the most damaging of absenteeism, as it is hard to detect. i learned to take care of myself and others at a very early age. i lost my childhood to an attempt to be perfect so no one got upset. i can’t be perfect. trying to be good enough to heal my parents’ past wounds is not possible. i can now work on healing my wounds and hope that i won’t pass down as many wounds to my children. you are valuable! louise says at what makes you the expert in this area? you are not degreed in psychology nor have any credentials nor have you cited any of your research. i appreciate your a mom and wife, that i do, however you are writing factually when there is no evidence to support it and if there is, again it is not cited. anne onedeterminedlife says at man, i am so guilty on some of these, but i love that your advice is to have balance. it’s important for us to take care of ourselves but we can’t ignore the kids either. thanks for sharing. familyname ends withme says at i’m 35, male, have owned a home for a 11 years, have ran a successful business for 11 also. have a new gf, property, cars, trucks, motorcycles, you name it. i’ve always been the best in my field at any job i’ve ever had. i was a meat manager for a large grocery store chain when i was 24 and was always by far the youngest at the yearly meat managers(~100 guys) convention. i was always a starter when i played sports. slightly above average looks wise. yada yada, but i cannot shake the feeling of not being good enough/worthless. i’ve done quite a bit of research over the years as to why i’m like this and always had pretty good idea but this article really put it into perspective for me. i grew up middle class with both my parents. had a younger sister that was famous for her athletic ability. father was a groundskeeper and mother was a nurse. most looking in from the outside would say i was fortunate to have the childhood i did. my mom was kind and caring, great. my father played catch with me, helped me fix my cars, bikes, etc. great right? quit being such a wimp right? i think it ruined me though….specifically the way my father treated me. he’s never shown me an ounce of affection. never an “i love you” never a hug, nothing. i can think of only a small handful(less than 5 to be clear) of times in 35 years that he’s ever gave me an “atta boy” or a “good job”. all he’s ever expressed is quite the opposite. i was teased and belittled from a young age. nothing i did was ever good enough. ever. i got fake compliments from time to time where he’d say something nice but always with a follow up, “but you could have did it this way and it would have been better”. name calling…..pointdexter(i liked computers, he hated them) was probably his favorite. as i entered highschool i quit playing sports. the pressure of everyone watching me, him included was too much. place on top of that having a sister that was wildly successful in all sports and watching her receive praise from our dad was just too much. even wrestling which i excelled at i veered away from(grew up hearing what a tough sob my father was). i was always skinny which got me no praise but always super strong even out lifting(bench press) upperclassmen and my father while in highschool. i got a job at a local grocery store and finally found something i was good at, working. i advanced through various positions and departments quickly. excelling at anything i tried. eventually landed in the meat department where i could out cut our regions(10 stores) fastest, best meat cutter by the time i was 18. still, never an acknowledgement from who i wanted to hear one from though. my father was always a hard worker. not only that but he was smart and a great problem solver. he built the house i grew up in and could fabricate anything out of metal. i strived to be just like him but he never had the patience to teach me anything. i learned by helping him, all the while trying not to screw up or be in the way and to just plain keep up with him which was just not possible as a kid. i did learn a lot from him. i too can fix anything mechanical, electrical, hands on stuff you name it. i feel i’ve even eclipsed the old man in this. recently my father built a plow attachment for his tractor to be able to plow snow. his builds are always strong, simple and efficient. so i decided i’d build a plow attachment for my tractor to plow snow also. i legitimately needed one as well but deep down i really wanted to one up his “plow build”. i was going into the build with hopes that if i did a good job on it i may just get that ever elusive “atta boy”. it was one of the hardest things i’ve ever fabricated due the added complexity i put into it. it turned out awesome though. full of great features, above and beyond any tractor attachment he’s ever built. i’ve received so many compliments from people on it, amazement i could come up with such good ideas that worked so well. even my uncle, my dads brother(welder fabricator also) told me how great the features were on it. my father on the other hand was uninterested for the most part. all i heard out of him while building it was “have you got it done yet, what’s taking so long?”. when i showed him the youtube video(god forbid he come see it in person) of it and how well it worked i thought for sure i’d hear something good out of him; some sort of approval. let down again. :( if this wasn’t going to get me an atta boy i don’t think anything ever will and that is very hard to accept. sometimes i wonder if the work ethic and problem solving skills he instilled in me is worth the lack of self worth. i wonder if having no father would have been better than having one that ruined my self esteem and confidence. even though my business is successful i feel my talents are being wasted and i want to do something else. i’ve kind of peaked with what i’m doing and need more challenge, need more. i’m too afraid though, to make some big changes to do what i really want. future seems abysmal and uncertain. stuck. i just started seeing a much younger beautiful girl. as i begin to like her more and more, the more i’ve started to push her away. i just can’t see any sort of reason she’d be interested in me. she should be going for a doctor or a lawyer. i’m so worried i’ll let her down or take away her spark with my depression and negativity that i’ve began to push her away. i hate the thought of her settling for me when she could do better. i hate that not getting a few simple “atta boys” growing up has made it so i never feel quite good enough/insecure/unworthy in different aspects of my life. maybe i’m just being a big baby about all of this and need to stop letting it bother me to the point of getting choked up or as my father would say when he’d see my eye’s welling up, “awwww, let me see a tear”. the thought of pushing everyone away, moving away and then going away help when i’m feeling really down about everything. allows me to trudge on knowing i’ve got that at the very least as a way to stop the the thoughts. not like i’ll ever have the balls to follow through so no need to worry. lost in mo says at sadly this made me cry. my husband always said he wanted kids. he found out he cant have his own so he disregards my other 3 boys despite them desperately craving his attention, myself included. he was injured as well leaving him unable to hold a job. everyday 24hrs a day he is playing video games on his phone, or watching youtube. i feel like i am drowning all over again. i just wanted a partner who was present and loving of all of us. so lost right now rachel norman says at oh what heartbreak you are feeling. the exact thing you wanted isn’t happening in your own home! i’m so glad your boys have you! eliza says at thank you so much for writing this article. i hope parents read this and take it to heart. it is so important to give your child this feeling of security in an uncertain world. as a child with a parent who was like this, it can be a huge burden. my father was not/is not a monster, but he was selfish. he constantly chose hobbies / tv time and anything else to keep him from engaging with his children. even though many, many people say how amazing my mother is and they are mostly right, it doesn’t resolve the feelings a young child must feel when a father never hugs, says “i love you”, asks about your day, or shoes up for your birthday each year. at 35 years of age, i’ve never been married and i don’t have kids. it want these things, but i may never have either one of them. it has taken me so many years to see these patterns. before reading this article, i knew the patterns of behaviors i had linked back to those feelings i must’ve had all those years ago as a child. tearing a child’s self worth and self confidence down at a such a young age makes them very difficult to love by those that could love them correctly…. love your children! give them the attention they seek. there is nothing wrong with that from time to time. rachel norman says at you are so right that it takes its toll. eliza, i pray that you find peace and comfort and love in many ways throughout your life to make up for the lack you felt at such a young age! single but not single mom says at my husband and i have four kids. he is very much emotionally checked out. i am dedicating all of my free time to offset the effects of that but it doesn’t seem to be working. my 16 year old has anger and self esteem issues. my 11 year old is engaging in risky behaviors such as seeking attention from boys online, my 9 year old is depressed and lonely, and my 7 year old has an unhealthy attachment to me and low self confidence. i take them on hikes. i do bible study with them. i take them to after school activities. i am always available to talk and usually my evenings consist of them lining up for a chance to talk to me about what’s on their mind. they won’t even go to my husband anymore. he will be home with them and they will still text me questions or requests while i’m at work. i have tried to talk to my husband about this and no matter how i approach it, he takes it as a criticism that he’s not good enough and i’m a better parent than him. we have even tried counseling. i’m at a loss. i know this will affect our kids. it already is. i just can’t seem to get through to him. he shows no concern over their future. he isn’t involved in their daily lives. he barks orders at then without ever really teaching them anything. the only time he talks to them is when he is angry with them or is requesting something of them. how can i get him to see how much damage he is doing to them? rachel norman says at hi there, first let me say that you are a strong dedicated mom and your children are lucky to have you. unfortunately, you cannot control what your husband says or does. you can set up boundaries on what you will allow to happen in your home or how you will react to it. you can, however, talk to your kids about exactly what they are going through. you might need to find counseling and ask for help from someone who is experienced in this as well. you can talk to your kids about how they feel when their dad acts this way. you can be honest and not sugar coat or walk on eggshells because they already know. are there other male influences in their lives (like at church, coaches, etc.) that can help speak life int othem? and you are doing a good job, mom. mark says at i’m a present but absent parent. i didn’t know this until one day   my wife said she is no longer in love with me. and the primary reason is me not always being here for my now teen child. this basically ended my world. i know i’m not perfect, but i thought i was “normal”. i had no idea i was essentially abusing my child. being a good provider doesn’t mean you’re a good father as i found out. to make matters worse, when i realized what i was doing, i tried to correct it. unfortunately, you can’t undo years of neglect overnight. and by trying, i believe i unleashed a lot of repressed memories. because just before that, we were still “happy”. we’d talk and we’d joke around, etc. but then when i tried to be more of a father   my teen closed up from me. i became a stressor in an already stressful time for him. he started to avoid me. even sat me down and told me that i have no right to expect him to let me in. this eventually led him to make comments about hurting himself to his friends. my wife immediately checked him into a facility for evaluation. he was there for a few days. she was distraught and went to see him daily. but he made it clear that he didn’t want to see me. i can’t describe how helpless i felt. albeit i’m sure he endured worse emotional pains due to my absence. at this point   i don’t know what to do. i want to make amends. but it’s no longer up to me. it’s up to him to decide if he wants me back. i can’t tell you how painful this is. not to mention my marriage will unlikely survive this. simply because i was too selfish to realize what my child really needed. it took me a while to find this “term” and realize it’s not unique. but i hope more people are educated/made aware and don’t fail their child as i have. rachel norman says at mark, you are in such a difficult situation right now and hurting so much. and what’s worse, you didn’t even know you were an absent parent until your wife told you. and hearing about it with the news she was no longer in love must have been devastating on so many levels for you. it’s a testament to your willingness to make changes and do the things you didn’t do. and then, when you felt you were on the right track, your son somehow “saw what he’d missed” and it hurt him. so he’s acting out his hurt and your wife is hurt and you are hurt. oh man! are you able to go for counseling, marital counseling, full family counseling? lori says at none of the above will make a difference! i am his wife in my own separate marriage and i too have fallen out of love with my own husband for being an absent parent. it is the most devastating that the child suffers, but i assure your wife has as well. you have left her to be an single mom in a marriage to the father of her child. and that is truly unforgivable. your child will realize that too and remember that always, i assure you. mine does. and it had made her relationship with her father non existent. sorry! i am just trying to be honest about. sara says at i have a slightly different situation that relates to this article. i am the grandmother of the child. he’s 2 1/2 and neither of his parents take much of an interest in him. i live with them and see to his needs, but they are both suffering with depression and anxiety. we live in the same house, but he hasn’t seen them for more than five minutes in the past two days, so what can i do to make sure that the child isn’t adversely affected by their ‘present, but absent’ existence? i mean, they’re here, but he doesn’t see much of them. rachel norman says at sara, bless you for caring for your grandson. i know it’s hard and can be so stressful! e says at your presence is helping your grandson. i had a grandmother who lived upstairs from us from age 2 7, and i can tell you that her love protected me from some of the emotional neglect i received from my loving but too busy parents (they were in ministry and my baby sister was extremely sick, so there just was not much time for me). i knew that although i didn’t feel important in my family, i was important to her. she was always happy to see me, and she’d include me in what she was doing, give me a bit of dough when she was baking or have me hold something while she was working in the garden. that really helped. kristine goodman says at wow. i’ve been trying to nail for years what was wrong in our household. there was no abuse towards me and my mom did often say i love you. however, there are a lot of other traits that she had that fit into this category. even today, when having a serious conversation about something that needs to change, she cannot make eye contact and tries to change the subject. this was really helpful in understanding that i am not crazy for feeling unloved. jill says at thank you for this article it was very validating. i am 22 and have been quarantining with my family for months and the affects of my emotionally absent dad is taking a huge toll on my mental health. i have always felt like a burden to him and it is at the point where i walk in the room and get no acknowledgement from him even if i say something. it is very painful and i dont know the best way to handle this because avoidance is only a temporary fix. do you think things will get better once i am able to move out or is there no fixing this relationship? gree says at hi very nice article n i can so connect with what you say. i have 2 girls, 13 and 3 and my husband is present but absent. he has been unemployed for many years and doesn’t wish to do any work at home. he is on computer or mobile most times. he doesn’t even take part in kids activities or listen to what kids have to say about their days. as a result, both my girls out right say they want me n and not daddy for nearly everything. this puts in a lot more stress as i try to do his part of the parenting as well. his lack of being responsible has already put our relationship into trouble. now i see how my teen gets influenced by the tension between us n he being absent parent. he doesn’t want to take counselling nor accepts the concept of emotional stress. i am considering separating from him but keep wondering if that is the best i can do to :( in search of my mum says at thank you so much for writing this. i found this article so interesting in my journey to discover why i have very specific childhood amnesia. i remember my childhood with everyone in my family except my mum. i have no memory of her up to the age of 20   except for maybe half a dozen memories between 15 20. i’m 55 and she and i had a wonderful adult relationship. i have a question and i cant find anywhere to get an answer. i know there was emotional neglect by my mum and i always felt it, always knew she couldn’t connect with me the way she did with my siblings. i mistimed my birth by arriving on the same day as my dead brother, who had died after 35 days. it would have been his first birthday when i came along. i know if i had of been born a day earlier my life would have been very different. when i had my first child she changed completely and i had 35 wonderful years with her. she died suddenly a couple of years ago and i have since found out a lot about her grief and post partum depression after my brother died. my question is   why do i know she was there at family events, or in the same room as me but i can not see her. i can only see my dad, sister and brothers. is it normal to not be able to see her in my memory? or to not see her face when i remember the rare memories between 15 20. why cant i see her or see her face? that’s the thing that plagues me the most   why cant i see her face for the first 20 years of my life. i understand trauma, i understand why i probably don’t remember her but the not remembering her face, even when i recall her talking to me   it troubles me so much. is there a name for this so that i can try and find some information. i would be so appreciative if you replied. rachel norman says at i have no idea about this, girl! i’d do some edmr therapy and see what comes up :) aiga says at great article but could do with proofreading. fred bloggs says at interesting article. for sure children require parental interaction to develop there own self worth and locus of identity, without the fall back of the family nest the child will be unlikely to stretch its wings and test the waters so to speak, and define their own boundaries. have you considered breaking down the concept further, and the implications of each sub group? such as the non emotionally involved parent vs the non physically involved parent? whilst a lack of emotional support may lead to poor life choices of the child relative to relationships and personal interactions, lack of physical involvement may lead more towards insular dependence, and a more sedentary lifestyle. my current research is on the subject of future health prognoses of children that have both parents working full time, leading to a minimisation of parental interaction with the child, both physical and emotional. with both parents working to provide the basic needs such as shelter, and food, is the reduction of the nurture factor creating future issues? your email address will not be published. required fields are marked * comment * name * email * website δdocument.getelementbyid( "ak_js_1" ).setattribute( "value", ( new date() ).gettime() ); get my cheat sheets and find your family’s groove. chore, independent play, meal, nap, bedtime, and more routine ideas! follow this checklist until your tidy routines become second nature. check off critical household, social, and hygiene skills for your child so they’re prepared (not petrified) of growing up! fast, simple, and free strategies to implement if baby can’t get to sleep, won’t stay asleep, or is unsettled in general. check off critical household, social, and hygiene skills for your child so they’re prepared (not petrified) of growing up! get my cheat sheets and find your family’s groove. chore, independent play, meal, nap, bedtime, and more routine ideas! b.a., m.s., routine queen, certified sleep consultant, 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home / expert articles / parenting strategies & techniques / calm parenting if you’re a parent, you’ve probably been there: your child says or does something that pushes your buttons, and the next thing you know, you’re yelling and screaming at the top of your lungs. and they’re responding in kind. afterward, you feel drained, upset, and frustrated. you wonder why it always has to come down to a screaming match. it’s important for parents to remember that we’re not perfect, and we can learn from our mistakes. a periodic scream or two doesn’t make you a bad parent. we all yell at our kids at times. let me tell you a story about my own family. i had a long commute home from work when my son was growing up, and from time to time, i would be in a bad mood when i got home. i would arrive late and find our adolescent son not doing his homework. instead, he’d be sitting on the couch, eating and making a mess usually with his feet on the table. i like to keep everything in order, so this was extremely annoying to me. i won’t lie there were some days when i was worn out, hungry, and frustrated, and i yelled and screamed at him. after that happened a few times, i made it a personal goal to respond better in the future. and by applying the tips in this article (and some practice and patience), i screamed much less and became a more effective parent. most parents yell and scream at their kids because they’re frustrated. at the exact moment when you lose it, you don’t feel like you have any other options. it becomes like a knee jerk reaction or a trigger being pulled. in other words, you don’t think about what you’re doing. you just respond. parents can also let their frustration with their kids build up over time. they go from incident to incident without giving consequences, and the frustration grows bigger and bigger. eventually, they break and react by screaming rather than dealing with the misbehavior consistently and effectively. yelling and screaming at your kids sends the message that you’re not in control. and if you aren’t in control, they might assume that they’re in charge. it’s also important to understand that kids feel unsafe and anxious when their parents appear out of control. these are bad messages to send to your child, and it undermines your authority in the household. i want to stress that it’s okay to speak strongly to kids. but getting angry and then ratcheting up to screaming is not helpful, especially if it’s over anything and everything. when you scream at everything, the screaming loses its effect and has no significance when there’s actual misbehavior. success in parenting is feeling good about the job you’ve done in teaching your child how to behave and you can’t feel good about yourself if you’re screaming all the time. when chronic screaming becomes the norm, children are also apt to think it’s okay for them to scream all the time, too. your kid learns that screaming is a suitable response when you’re frustrated or overwhelmed. it doesn’t teach anything positive. instead, it teaches that life is out of control, and you’re out of control. here’s the bottom line: if you use yelling to get your kids to comply, you’re not teaching them better problem solving skills. yelling at a problem doesn’t make it go away. indeed, it usually makes the problem worse. when kids are screamed at all the time, they learn to tolerate the screaming rather than change their behavior. eventually, your child tunes you out altogether. and if screaming were effective, parenting would be easy. we’d just scream at our kids, they’d change their behavior, and our problems would be solved. but, we all know that it isn’t that easy. if you find yourself screaming at your child frequently, it’s not going to be easy to stop yourself at least not right away. learning how to change the way you communicate with your child takes practice. you need effective tools because your kids will push your buttons to try and get you to lose control which is what they’re used to. but you can learn to have control and communicate with them effectively. here are six tips that will help you get back on track. as my husband, james lehman, teaches in the total transformation parenting program, “you don’t have to attend every fight you’re invited to.” walking away from a screaming match will often stop the fight in its tracks, right then and there. no matter if the fight is beginning, if you’re deep into it, or it’s been going on for ten minutes, you can stop and step away from the situation. stepping away from the heat of the situation also helped me as a parent to figure out what my response should be. sometimes, it meant spending some time away from my child and then going back later and dealing with their misbehavior. i think it’s fine to wait ten minutes or even wait until the next day to come back and talk with your child about their inappropriate language or behavior. often, things with our kids are truly not that urgent. most of us scream about things that are minor when you really think about it. they might feel urgent at the time, but that’s only because of our agitation, and not necessarily because our kid’s behavior is so bad. you can say to your child: “your behavior is not appropriate, and we will talk about it later when things are calm.” it’s sometimes good for a child to have to think about a situation or incident for a while before you have that talk. a very simple thing you can do is count to ten while really disengaging yourself from the situation. so count to ten, walk away, go into a different room, do a different activity. even if you don’t have a clue what’s triggering your frustration, if you know that you are overreacting (and screaming is usually an overreaction), try to disengage. it’s common for parents to fight with their kids right when they get home. typically, during the commute home, the parent is thinking about the fight they are going to have when they walk in the door. it’s almost a self fulfilling prophesy. therefore, i recommend that you give yourself some time to transition when you come home. take ten minutes to go wash up, gather your thoughts, and then come out of your room and talk to your kids. they may act like they can’t wait ten minutes at first, but they’ll get used to it. and they’ll learn to give you your space eventually. it’s important to know your triggers. we all have triggers, and often they’re not the most rational things. i think it’s useful for parents to know what their triggers are what sets them off. is it the feet on the couch, the backtalk, or their mess in the kitchen? teach yourself what you can do when you’re triggered in order to respond more effectively. when i was on my way home from work, i also made preparations for how i would react. i would think to myself, “okay, when i get home, if my son hasn’t done his homework and if he’s made a mess again, i’m not going to yell or scream. i’m just going to give myself time to unwind, and then come out and deal with his behavior.” so if you know your triggers, you can plan your reaction. if you’re working on staying in control, i think you need to really look at yourself. start reviewing what happened after the fact and try to practice more effective communication with your kids where you’re not out of control. sometimes just having more positive interactions means there’s less time for the negative. ask yourself what kind of parent you’d like to be. nobody wants to be known as the parent who screams at their kids all the time and seems out of control. ask yourself what kind of parent you want to be. and remember, it’s never too late you can start making these improvements at any time. if you’re trying to get more control and would like to stop yelling, i recommend that you talk to your spouse or trusted friends and acknowledge all of it. i don’t think there’s anything to be ashamed or embarrassed about almost all of us scream. your spouse might have some insights or some ideas of what you can do. they also might notice what some of your triggers are that you haven’t noticed yourself. be careful not to confide in other parents or family members who are judgmental or who express shock or dismay at your parenting challenges. these people will only make you feel worse about yourself, and that’s not effective. i would sometimes go over things with my son and apologize for yelling and explain that i’d had a hard day and that i was sorry i took it out on him. if you decide to apologize, understand that it’s not about getting forgiveness from your kids. rather, it’s about owning your behavior, learning from the situation, and trying to do better next time. also, i made sure our son was held accountable for his actions. getting homework done and cleaning up after himself were his responsibilities, and he knew that failing to do either would result in receiving consequences. my goal became to stay calm and handle his behavior without losing control myself. related content: calm parenting: how to get control when your child makes you angry temper, temper: keeping your cool when kids push your buttons empowering parents podcast: apple, spotify, google janet lehman, msw, has worked with troubled children and teens for over 30 years. a veteran social worker, she specializes in child behavior issues   ranging from anger management and oppositional defiance to more serious criminal behavior in teens. she is co creator of the total transformation® program, the complete guide to consequences™, getting through to your child™, and two parents one plan™. you must log in to leave a comment. don't have an account? create one for free! i want to send heartfelt thanks to the author of these articles and everyone who has commented, as i am devastated and crying reading this page. not only does this article hit home, but also showcases how much of an epic failure i have been as a mom in staying calm, in not raising my voice, and in not saying horrible things more than a few times as a result of hurt & frustration with my 17 year old daughter. unfortunately, i am also an empath, and by the time she reached about the age of 15, bringing with it the typical teenage entitled attitude, i found myself being emotionally affected, sensitive and increasingly frustrated by her ever changing moods and downright rude dismissive behavior toward me (even though the majority of these moods had nothing to do with me). but i have taken it personally, and thus, up until the recent past, have yelled at her and in the moment, have said a host of cringeworthy things which i am so utterly ashamed and horrified. and, i have apologized and recanted my outbursts several times, earnestly focusing on not yelling at her and just trying to move forward, flip the switch to positive interactions with her, and put the incidents behind us. but the emotional scars have remained with her, as i learned the other day, when i received a five page letter from my daughter, telling me that she is no longer "afraid of me" (which shocked me because i have never hurt her in any way other than the yelling incidents) and that she needed to write the letter to finally express her feelings which have apparently been building for some time. the letter included wildly untrue assertions about my failures as a parent  including me neglecting her physical and emotional wellbeing, and causing her to withdraw completely from our household, stating that she will not engage with me nor with my long time boyfriend who has helped raise her since she was 6;, will not return after she leaves for college, and will only seek emotional support/advice from her friends, herself, or her dad (who lives nearby, but only recently re entered her life after leaving the state for more than 15 years after she was born and after our divorce). i am saddened beyond measure because nothing could be further from the truth. my daughter is a beautiful, mature, well adjusted high school senior with straight a's, strong morals, a part time job, great friends, plays varsity sports, and goes to a distinguished private school. she is my only daughter and i love every cell of her being. my entire life revolves around her wellbeing and care, as i raised her myself and have emotionally and financially supported her every need and want.. i am not writing this to seek credit for any of this... i am simply writing this because i am truly devastated and not at all sure what to do in trying to pick up the pieces of this shattered relationship that i take full responsibility for ruining... because i raised my voice with her and exhibited poor emotional control   i don't know what to do... thanks for reading... shouting is such an easy trap to fall into. i've been noticing for a while that i get way too aggressive in my reactions ... shouting, spanking, etc. if i look back, 99% of those reactions were all outlets for my own frustration mixed with being meant to show them the terrible consequences of their actions so they'd behave better. my dad shouted at me as a kid, both parents spanked, although my dad was more irrational about it where my mom was methodical and deliberate ... you knew it was purposed to teach, not to relieve frustration. still, here i am, doing the same thing. i can see my daughter (6) developing similar insecurities that i did as a result. it's true that kids learn from their parents. my wife is the same way, although she has a more difficult path being the step mother. i'm so tired. it's tough trying to toe the line between being firm but not too firm and being compassionate but not apathetic. and trying to remember that kids will push that button day in and day out for days, months, years, before the lessons finally kick in. admittedly, a lot of the lessons my mom tried to teach me all of high school didn't take hold until i was on my own, then later when i got married, and later now with my 3 kids. and here we are trying to verbally beat these lessons into them anyway. anyway, i wonder how many of us would refrain from so much shouting if we considered that there are some lessons that kids won't truly realize and practice until they are older? and that's ok, right? maybe that's just the tough part of being a parent ... taking that attitude beating day after day sometimes, and weathering that storm with kindness and consistent reminder of the right way to do it until one day they finally get it? i have a hard time accepting that, because in our dealings with adults we expect that when we say "no", that'll be it right then (usually). so when kids do this, and we actually have authority over them (vs authority over adults), it compounds our frustration. i mean, you can't move away from them or fire them lol. i know my insecurities and shortfalls and i don't want my kids to develop them also, but i find myself sending them down the same road my parents did with me because i don't know how else to do it. my examples to follow from memory are just that, so now i feel like i'm learning this all over again and getting myself together while try to get them down the right path and i feel like the blind leading the blind. anyway, i guess this was more to vent, but hopefully others see value in it. i am a single parent. my ex does not parent nor co parent. it's always i agree with your mom. my daughter knows this. she constantly says "ok" and "i don't care," in a rude and disrespectful manner when she is being asked to do her homework, pick up her stuff, cannot play on her electronics, or is asked to simply brush her teeth. if my mom. would have said to me, please go brush your teeth, i would have immediately obeyed without a word (even if i did not want to do it.) i keep my cool and try not to engage, but then she will throw her eye glasses or threaten to break something she knows is important to me. this is when i get upset, and i end up yelling which escalates things with me yelling at her, and her yelling at me. i explain that this is not how we resolves things to which she usually smarts off keeping the battle going. she knows she needs to do her homework, brush her teeth, or get ready for bed. i just do not understand why she goes from happy girl to smart mouth refusing to do it in zero to 90 just like that. i seriously don't know what to do to keep this from happening. i mean this is all simple stuff that we do daily. it is mot like i am asking her to do something out of the ordinary or requires much effort. it is like just because i am telling her, and she simply decided that she does not want to do it, so she is going to show me whose boss? i am overwhelmed in how such little tasks or requests can cause such craziness for no reason. mir... in your comment, you made disclusure of how you and your wife are dealing with the issue of homework with your child. that may be a particular key! two things: why does your wife insist on commanding it? and see you as interfering? second, there is a lack of cooperation between, and the tensions arise if you are seen as the calm and easy going? don;t make your wife out to be the bad guy, or allow your children to assume that this is between good and bad method. find a solution and compromise between you as husband and wife, and then share togather some of the concerns you both have about homework , school, etc..there is a great assessment for conflict resolution, to take and compare your styles and methods. hope you find success in marriage and family! blessings! craig that is pure honesty! thank you for sharing your concerns for you and your parenting methods and outcomes. at the center for the study of social policy, the strengthening families initiative is looking to enrich parents and children in situations just like this...to de escalate situations, use strong and proven methodologies that help parents and children find success in the home... 1. love/nurture/caring are the fundamental format: agreed? sometimes parents are trying too hard...and love and nurture get lost in translation. 2. you are the professional in the home, so you have way more ability to remain calm and in control than you realize. make sure you lead your home in a positive and nurturing manner. 3. sometimes reacting and over reacting lead to becoming emotionally charged, and allowing that de escalating of emotions to occur is critical to not get into the yelling and screaming. 4. try to avoid regretting what you might say and do...we can never take those things back, and, they can become damaging over time. 5. stay positive and focused on what is the real issue, and not get caught up in the emotions and or behavior of your child. you can work on those later... 6. consequences that are firm and fair...have a plan going in, so that you can stay in control. 7. bounce back...be a resilient parent, not a struggling one. 8. know the stages of development...for both being a parent and the abilities of your child. you admitted, he's a bit slow...are you angry about that? shame/ regret? gonna have to be honest with yourself? 9. ask for help...putting people on your team can be a great resource for you and your child. parents who are able to do that can be even more successful in getting what they want. 10. what are some social and emotional needs of your child...meet those simultaneously while looking to achieve the desired goals... 11. celebrate often. something we can really take time to explore for our families success. 12. set 6 clear rules that are part of your home life. families that implement rules are 70% more likely to get through to their kids and what is expected. thanks for letting me share some of our program's solutions for family and parenting education. over the years, james lehman and the transformation program, consequences, two parents and one plan, and empowering parents have been great contributors to our 30 year success. sincerely, craig i'm very frustrated with yelling at my kids. i hate yelling at them, i hate seeing them cry because i yelled at them. but i am so frustrated and overwhelmed i don't know what else to do. mostly i yell when they've added more work for me to do. i am a single parent of a 5, soon to be 4 year old, and 1 year old. i have a full time career, financial issues, and i am exhausted. i don't get much day to day support from their dad as he now lives in another country and we have a very difficult relationship (the less we are around each other the better off we are). i try very hard to be open to my kids about what's going on at home, explain the situation, explain why, explain why not, i don't know if this is the right thing to do but i don't know what else i can do. my 5 year old understands a lot and usually has follow up questions which i appreciate immensely. i'm worried about not being a good parent, about being overwhelmed as both mom and dad, and being very limited with time. i see that my 5 year old gets frustrated easily too and yells at his sister (middle child) out of frustration. in his defense, her thing is to antagonize him. but i see how my actions are being repeated. he told me i can be mean, but he also told me i'm a better mommy when their dad isn't there. i'm having issues with my middle child acting out to get attention and it is absolutely awful   it makes the bad situation worse. i read through the guidance above and i think for me having time to myself works the best but since i am responsible for getting the kids ready for school, taking them to school, picking them up, i don't have that option 90% of the time. i signed up for the newsletter. hopefully by reading more i will be able to make some sort of a positive change. any advice is welcome. @erin i can hear your concern with the statements your son is making. it is pretty normal for kids to escalate their behavior and responses when a parent is responding in a calm way, as an effort to draw the parent into a power struggle. that being said, i also encourage you to take his statements about killing himself or hurting himself seriously. in this way, if he is serious about wanting to harm himself, you can take steps to keep him safe. if he is making these statements in an effort to manipulate you, responding in this manner will communicate to him that this is not an effective way to meet his needs. working with local resources can be useful in developing this plan. if you are not already doing so, i encourage you to contact the http://www.211.org/ at 1 800 273 6222 for information about services available in your area, such as counselors or crisis response services. i recognize how difficult this must be for you, and i wish you all the best moving forward. take care. anne hi, i am a mother of 11 and 13 year old boys. it' seems liked all my life i have been screaming at my kids. i know it's more or less taking out frustration at them. now i am at that point that my kids, especially my little one has stated screaming. home atmosphere is not very pleasent. my parents are visiting and they have noticed this problem. i don't know what to do. i really want to stop this behavior. any advice is helpful. @anne we hear from many parents who want to change the pattern of ineffective communication with their children, yet don’t know where to start. i’m glad that you are here, reaching out for support. janet offers some great suggestions on how to stop screaming in the article above. you might also find some helpful advice in some of our other articles on https://www.empoweringparents.com/article categories/parenting strategies techniques/calm parenting/, such as https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/losing your temper with your child 8 steps to help you stay in control/ and https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/how to stop yelling at your kids use these 10 tips/. please let us know if you have additional questions. take care. hi, i am a mother of a 7, 12 and 14 year old. all are adopted and all have special needs. my biggest difficulty is my 7 year old. she has been diagnosed with crack induced adhd and while the other two have adhd, i have never experienced anyone like her. she brings me to the point of screaming like no one else can because she does not stop annoying people, yelling, answering back, calling names, moving, hopping up and down, arguing. it never ends. meds help some but she does not act like any child i've ever met...and i'm a special ed. teacher! people see her as lacking discipline and judge me. i hate it! but i love her and want to get this right. but i'm frustrated and out of answers. lorahill35 i can understand your concern and frustration with your daughter’s behavior. as dr. joan simeo munson points out in her article https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/defiant young children and toddlers 5 things not to do/, young children have very little control over their day to day lives and it is normal for them to search for ways to gain some control. and especially for strong willed children, this can be expressed in acting out and defiant behaviors. the good new is that your daughter is developing the skills she needs to behave appropriately because she is managing herself well for others. it is not unusual that she is pushing limits with you and her dad because that is where is it most safe to do so. how you’re responding and reacting to her inappropriate behaviors is going to be most important right now. like dr. joan says, keeping your cool and not getting pulled into a power struggle by giving her behavior attention is the best thing to focus on. i hope this helps you with your situation. let us know if we can be of any further help. take care. i haven't seen many father's on here admitting to being one of these types. as a frustrated father and husband, i have a tendency to not handle home stress well. i let things build to a head and then "pop" i scream, cuss, and sometimes jump up and down like a naughty 3 year old. i struggle to find an out. my wife wants an instant response to everything (because she has one). i have enough other things to process throughout my day that having the answer right away is tough. thank you for sharing. i would like to add that i think the whole problem solving (homework) and planning ahead response for the children will work well for me. explaining to the wife i need a few min to compose my thoughts would be helpful. then engaging the child with the issue. cut out the lectures and get to the point   i need to do this. less time monologuing and ask for problem solving feed back. thank you, bless you for being so honest. your right.... i rarely see comments from dads... especially ones that may admit fault. i think that's much harder for the male since he is usually assigned the role of provider and protector therefore problem solver from the start. which only makes it much harder to admit any wrong doings. i believe that 50 percent of the problem is solved by just being honest with yourself and others. your already well on your way to a solution! in my opinion? you my dear are much stronger than most men. you weren't afraid to admit that you are human too. i wish you and yours all the best. hello, i am usually very pleasant and nice as a person, but there are times  very often i must admit  that i totally lose it and start screaming. i have twin boys age 5, and they are used to yelling too, i mean that when they don't get their way they start crying and yelling, which leads to me getting frustrated and yell at them to stop. they don't want to wash their hands, they don't want to take a bath, they don't want to cleanse their noses, and god help us if they are sleepy in the morning and we have to rush to go to school! i love them more than life itself and i know they love me too, they say i'm very funny and kind and everything, but a lot of times i feel like i don't have any control over them and this is not the relationship i want to have with my children. i don't want them to be afraid of me so that i can discipline them. i could really use some advice, thank you for your time, elina @elina it can be really frustrating when it feels like your main form of communication with your kids is yelling back and forth. the good news is that it only takes one person to start to change this pattern! it sounds like one of your triggers for yelling is your sons yelling and crying when they don’t want to do something. it could be useful, therefore, to plan out how you can respond differently in that moment without yelling. for example, you might plan to step briefly into another room to take a few deep breaths when your sons start yelling, and perhaps giving them a http://www.empoweringparents.com/how to get your child to listen giving effective consequences.php later if appropriate for the situation. thank you for writing in; please let us know if you have any additional questions. hello, i need help with my 5 yrs old kid, he has a case of social communication disorder with a lot of symptoms similar to asd. i find myself yelling at him frequently, for example, to let him stop repeating the same question 100 times a day, or let him answer my questions. he doesn't tolerate any small change in his routin and gets really mad if we make any change, and i find myself yelling at him because of that. i know it is bad but cannot find another way to deal with him, specially that communication is difficult. iwkttor thank you for reaching out to empowering parents with your question. i can understand how frustrating it must be when you find yourself repeating things many times for him. recognizing and acknowledging that these things are a trigger for you is the first step in starting to make changes. making a plan for yourself ahead of time can be helpful, and debbie pincus, author of https://store.empoweringparents.com/product/the calm parent am pm/ program, offers some great tips in her article http://www.empoweringparents.com/4 tools to help you stay calm with your difficult kids.php. best of luck to you as you continue to work on this. sarahd32 it can be a real challenge to break the habits we know are not working, or we do not feel good about. the first step is recognizing you are being triggered, and having a plan for yourself when that happens. that could be taking a deep breath and going to a pre designated place in your home where you read or listen to music, or do something that is calming for you. in addition to the tools janet lehman offers in the above article, debbie pincus, author of our https://store.empoweringparents.com/product/the calm parent am pm/ offers some great tips in her article http://www.empoweringparents.com/how to stop yelling at your kids use these 10 tips.php. best of luck as you continue to work through this. lizzy624 it sounds like you have a lot going on right now with your son’s behavior, so it’s understandable that you might feel overwhelmed. something that could be useful is to focus on only one or two behaviors at a time. the benefit to only addressing a few behaviors is that it can help you to feel more control over those behaviors, and it can also help you to http://www.empoweringparents.com/how to discipline kids the key to being a consistent parent.php in the limits you set. in addition to talking with your son about how he can respond differently moving forward, it’s also going to be helpful to plan how you can respond in a more effective way if he gets angry or upset. debbie pincus has some additional tips on this in her article http://www.empoweringparents.com/stop letting your childs behavior make you crazy.php. please let us know if you have any additional questions; take care. hi i have been frustrated over the years, often i scream at my child when he is not doing what he is expected of doing things, i am a single mum and my partner may have left because of my screaming, as often i am on my own we really never had a property relationship, never really communicated, me out of frustration and do not remember when i started screaming in the last 12 years, my son is only 10 turning 11 in november, and just last night i screamed at my only son, when i continuously asked not to be on electronic devices, tv , while working on saturday and he is alone, i have asked him to make friends with neighbouring children, he refuses and not feeling comfortable about it, just wanting to hang around the office or at home. i screamed at him not only once in the last 10years to who i love with all my life and i scared him and held him i cried with him while hugging him, i felt i am damaged my only love and how to repair the damage? how to "reverse" what he has read from my useless and horrible behavior? it is not fair that he had to go through all my frustration and i want to make amendments, i want to fix what i broke. he is a very loving kid and i feel guilty for years of frustration. read more: tired of yelling at your child? 6 tips to stop screaming and start parenting effectively lana1969 give yourself some credit for acknowledging that screaming is an ineffective way to handle your frustration and the fact that you are looking for ways to change and be more effective. start today at working on changing how you respond when you are frustrated. try walking away when your son is triggering you and doing something that is calming for you, like taking some deep breaths or taking a walk. turn this into a positive situation and learning experience by showing your son that coping skills can be developed and people can change for the better. we wish you well as you work through this. let us know if we can be of any further help. take care. candy1981 i hear you. it can be distressing when your frustration gets the better of you and you end up yelling at your kids. yelling is a common way parents respond to acting out behavior. unfortunately, it’s not the most effective way of dealing with it. janet gives some great tips for ways you can parent more effectively in the above article. another article that talks about how to avoid yelling in response to your children’s behavior is 5 ways to stop a screaming match with your child or teen. try not to be too hard on yourself. we’ve all had times when we haven’t responded in the most effective way. good luck to you and your family moving forward. be sure to check back if you have any further questions. take care. @aymee many parents describe going through a similar cycle with their child, where the child does not comply with directions, the parent becomes frustrated, yells at the child, and then feels guilty about yelling. you are not alone in this experience. the good news is that http://www.empoweringparents.com/its never too late 7 ways to start parenting more effectively.php to turn things around, and to learn new skills. it’s understandable that you would feel frustrated and overwhelmed with everything that your family has been through. if you are not already doing so, it’s going to be important to make sure that you are taking steps to take care of yourself on a regular basis. self care is a vital, yet often overlooked, component of parenting. if this aspect is ignored, it can have a definite impact on how effective you are able to be when setting limits and holding your son accountable. debbie pincus offers some additional strategies to try in her article http://www.empoweringparents.com/how to get control when your child is making you angry.php. i recognize how difficult this must be for you, and i’m glad that you are here reaching out for support. please let us know if you have any additional questions; take care. well, i am not different or more special than any other yeller. i yell at my 13 year old son out of frustration. i can give you a very, very long list of why i get frustrated and what does he do or what doe he not do that frustrates me. i can sit here all day long trying to explain how does it start, how long does it last, how often it happens and how horrible, sad, drained, and unhappy we both end up feeling after each "yelling session". however, those are just circumstances, description of the "scene of crime" but none of those excuse me from my lack of control. whether he is diagnosed or not with any disorder, whether i am or not a single mom, or whether i work hard or finish my day exhausted, i truly own my misbehavior. i am 100% responsible of my lack of effectiveness in communication and the possible damage i may have caused and keep causing to my child. many of us, yell at children because of a behavioral issue: they either did something "wrong" or didn't do what was expected or told to, etc. the irony here is that our response is also a behavior issue: either we did something "wrong" (read yelled) or didn't do what was expected (read keep calm and communicate effectively). like all of you, i am concerned about the yelling and the possible consequences. like all of you, i love my child deeply and we feel their love as well. like all of us, i feel guilty, at times embarrassed and ashamed and often times i fear i have hurt my child with all the yelling. so we are trying to teach what we have not learned ourselves... help, please!!!! teach me how to heal the wounds i may have caused. i believe i will stop yelling, i will find the way, i will follow instructions and i will turn all this into something positive and better and effective and good. i have been through and done very, very difficult things in my life and i was able to successfully transform those situations and circumstances into positive impact in my life and those around me. this specific issue cannot wait any longer. if i did all that in my life then it is about time that i do this too. this is way too important in my life to not make it my #1 priority. but, how to repair the damage? how to "reverse" what he has read from my useless and horrible behavior? it is not fair that he had to go through all my frustration and i want to make amendments, i want to fix what i broke. he is a very loving kid and i feel guilty for years of frustration. thoughts? advice? help? torbellino thank you for your comment and question. we have heard from many parents who are concerned about how their ineffective parenting may have affected their child, so your not alone. like janet lehman says in her article http://www.empoweringparents.com/feel like a good or bad parent how to be a good enough parent.php there is no such thing as a perfect parent. we don’t always handle every situation perfectly and there are certainly times when all of us could have been more effective, but when it comes down to it most of us are doing the best we can with the tools we have. the good news is you are aware there is room for improvement and you know what you need to do. move forward with that because you cannot change the past. working on making changes today and modeling more effective ways to manage your frustration and anger is the best thing you can do for your son at this point. we know this weighs heavily on you but it is time to get rid of the guilt and move forward. please let us know if we can help any further. take care. lizzy624 homework time can be a challenge for many kids, and when a child has adhd, that challenge can be even greater. it is not uncommon for children with adhd to act out in some way when it’s time to do homework, as a way to create a diversion and shift your attention from doing the work to his acting out behavior. it can be helpful to set up a structured setting and time, so he knows, for example, that every day from 4:00 to 5:00 is homework time at the dining room table. you can also tie a privilege, such as electronics time, to completion of this homework time. because it may be a challenge for him in the beginning, to sit and do 1 hour of homework, you can build in small breaks: after 10 minutes of focused work, he might get a 2 minute break to get the wiggles out or get a drink. as he has more success around this time frame, you may choose to increase the amount of time he has to focus and do work, in order to earn that mini break. once he has completed the hour of work, his daily electronics time would be earned. if, on the other hand, he does not complete that hour of work, he wouldn’t earn his electronics for that day, but could try again tomorrow. if he starts to act out during the homework time, it can be helpful to script a plan. you could say something like, “once your homework time is done, you can use your electronics. if you need help, you can ask respectfully.” then, disengage from the conversation and walk away. put on headphones, leave the room, whatever you can do to not get pulled into a power struggle with your son. debbie pincus, author of https://store.empoweringparents.com/product/the calm parent am pm/, offers several ways to help end the power struggles over homework in her article http://www.empoweringparents.com/parent child power struggles over homework.php. take care, and let us know if you have any more questions. i am lost my 14 daughter is struggling with depression & is seeing someone for it. today she asked me if she can go to school late so she can try to get through the feeling of breaking down so i said ok. my husband freaked out and started yellingmore at me for allowing her to go in late then he went in her room and starting yelling at her to get up & go to school. i tried to tell him that doesn't make it any better. now he is mad at me for defending our daughter. help how do we get through this? stacyp4 it’s not uncommon for parents tohave http://www.empoweringparents.com/when parents disa... about the best way to handle a givensituation with a child. after all, you and your husband are differentpeople, with varied experiences and perspectives. from what you describe,you were trying to accommodate your daughter having a tough time this morningbymore allowing her extra time to get ready, and agreed to her going in late so shecould cope with the rest of the day. your husband took the perspectivethat, regardless of what is going on, your daughter needs to meet herresponsibilities and get to school on time. neither of these positions isright or wrong; they are just different. moving forward, it might behelpful to talk with your husband when things calm down, and come up with aplan which you can both agree to follow should a similar situation arise in thefuture. if you are able to, you might also want to get feedback abouteffective approaches you can take from the professional treating yourdaughter’s depression as well. i realize that this is a tough situation,and i appreciate your reaching out to us for support. please be sure towrite back and let us know how things are going. take care. responses to questions posted on empoweringparents.com are not intended to replace qualified medical or mental health assessments. we cannot diagnose disorders or offer recommendations on which treatment plan is best for your family. please seek the support of local resources as needed. if you need immediate assistance, or if you and your family are in crisis, please contact a qualified mental health provider in your area, or contact your statewide crisis hotline. we value your opinions and encourage you to add your comments to this discussion. we ask that you refrain from discussing topics of a political or religious nature. unfortunately, it's not possible for us to respond to every question posted on our website. disrespect... defiance... backtalk... lack of motivation... frustrated and exhausted by your child's behavior? get your free personal parenting plan today. does your child exhibit angry outbursts, such as tantrums, lashing out, punching walls, and throwing things? would you like to learn about how to use consequences more effectively? backtalk... complaints... arguments... attitude... just plain ignoring you do you struggle with disrespect or verbal abuse from your child? has your child been diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder (odd)? or does your child exhibit a consistent and severe pattern of anger, irritability, arguing, defiance, and vindictiveness toward you or other authority figures? intimidation... aggression... physical abuse and violence... are you concerned that your child may physically hurt you or others? you must select at least one category to create your personal parenting plan: we're just about finished! create a secure account with empowering parents to access your personal parenting plan.

recent and archived work by cassie chambers for the new york times i’d counted on my mom, an expert on child development, to help me learn to parent my son. the thought of managing without her was terrifying. by cassie chambers

choosing quality care that is in a healthy and safe environment should be your number one priority. look for child care that stimulates and encourages your child’s physical, intellectual, and social growth. keep your child’s age and personality in mind when looking for the program that best meets his needs. understanding what makes your child feel secure and knowing the activities he enjoys and will learn from will make a difference in your final child care decision. each child has his own personality and responds to caregivers or experiences differently. just like adults, children may have outgoing, shy, or even tempered natures. your caregiver should be in tune with your child’s special personality and treat your child in a positive and caring manner that agrees with his special personality. this is crucial to nurturing his healthy emotional growth. by understanding your child’s personality, you and your caregiver can help him succeed by offering care, activities, and discipline that best fit his needs. as your child grows, you may find yourself searching for clues to her behavior. as a parent, you may hear the words “developmental stages.” this is just another way of saying your child is moving through a certain time period in the growing up process. at times, she may be fascinated with her hands, her feet, and her mouth. as she grows, she may get into everything. lock your doors and cabinets, and take a deep breath during those exploration years! then there will be an age when independence is all she wants. at every stage, what she needs is your love, understanding, and time. recent brain research indicates that birth to age three are the most important years in a child’s development. here are some tips to consider during your child’s early years: children learn in many different ways. each child has his own way of learning some learn visually, others through touch, taste, and sound. watch a group of children and you’ll understand at once what this means. one child will sit and listen patiently, another cannot wait to move and count beads. another wants you to show her the answer over and over. children also learn in different ways depending on their developmental stage. one thing we know is all children love to learn new things by exploring and discovering. children love to solve problems during play and in daily activities. look for a child care provider who understands children’s learning styles and includes reading, learning numbers, art activities, rhyming, and problem solving in your child’s daily activities. also, find out how your provider encourages your child to understand and benefit from daily activities and experiences. look for a provider who: depending upon the age of your child, his learning style and personality, your child will have different needs. the first five years are especially crucial for physical, intellectual, and social emotional development. keep your child’s personality and age in mind when looking for child care experiences and activities. the following pages provide insight into a child’s developmental stages from birth through fourteen years. return to top in the first eighteen months after birth, an infant makes miraculous progress. in this relatively short time span, an infant sees her world through her senses. babies gather information through touch, taste, smell, sight, and sound. to help infants mature and learn, the caregiver should stimulate but not overwhelm them. the overall goal is not to “teach” your baby but to interact and explore her world with her. older infants are on the move. they take great pleasure in discovering what they can do with their voice, hands, feet, and toes. soon they practice rolling skills, crawling, walking, and other great physical adventures. through “the eyes of a child,” here is what you might expect during the first eighteen months. what i’m like: i can’t support my own head and i’m awake about one hour in every ten (though it may seem more). what i need: i need milk, a smoke free environment, a warm place to sleep, hugs and kisses, and to hear your loving voice. it’s not too early to sing or read to me. the more you talk and introduce different things to me, the more i learn. what i’m like: my hands and feet fascinate me. i’ll laugh and coo at them and you. i’m alert for 15 minutes, maybe longer, at a time. i love to listen to you talk and read to me. what i need: talk to me, feed me, and sing to me. my favorite songs are lullabies. cuddle me. i need fresh air, a ride in a stroller. give me things to pull and teethe on. what i’m like: i may be able to roll over and sit with support. i can hold my own toys. i babble and am alert for two hours at a time. i can eat most baby food. put toys just out of my reach and i will try to reach them. i like to see what i look like and what i am doing. what i need: make sure i’m safe as i’m learning to crawl. i need happy sounds, and i like to be near you. dance with me, tickle me, and tell me about the world you see. what i’m like: i’m busy! i like to explore everything! i crawl, sit, pull on furniture, grasp objects, and understand simple commands. i like to be with other babies and i react to their happiness and sadness. what i need: i need locks on cabinets with medicines, household cleaners, or other dangerous things. put away small sharp objects. i need touches, nutritious food, and educational toys to keep me busy. what i’m like: i may be able to pull myself up and sidestep around furniture. i may begin walking. i make lots of sounds and say “mama” and “dada.” i’m curious about flowers, ants, grass, stones, bugs, and dirt. i like to get messy, ’cause that’s how i learn. my fingers want to touch everything. i like to play near others close to my age but not always with them. if i’m walking, please walk at my pace. what i need: i need lots of cuddling and encouragement. i need a safe place to move around as i will be getting into anything i can get my hands on. read to me again and again. sing our favorite songs. give me freedom to do most things until i need help. so please stay near. what i’m like: i like to eat with a spoon, even if i spill. and i will spill, spill, spill. i will explore everything high and low, so please keep me safe. i may have temper tantrums because i have no other way of expressing my feelings or frustrations. sometimes i’m fearful and cling to you. i like to have evening routines: music, story, and bath time. i like balls, blocks, pull toys, push toys, take apart toys, put together toys, and cuddles. sometimes i say “no” and mean it. by eighteen months i can walk well by myself, although i fall a lot. i may jump. i say lots of words, especially the word “mine” because everything is mine! i like it when we play outside or go to a park. i like being with other children. i try to take off my shoes and socks. i like to build with blocks. what i need: let me touch things. let me try new things with your help, if i need it. i need firm limits and consistency. please give me praise. the more you talk with me, the earlier i will tell you how i feel and what i need. i need you to observe me and to understand why i’m upset or mad. i need your understanding and patience. i want a routine. i need you to not mind the mess i sometimes make. i need you to say i’m sorry if you made a mistake. and please read to me over and over again! if i want it, it’s mine. if i give it to you and change my mind later, it’s mine. if i take it away from you, it’s mine. if it’s mine it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what. if we are building something together, all the pieces are mine. if it looks just like mine, it’s mine. during the next stage of life, your child is beginning to define himself. look for child care activities that spur his imagination and vocabulary. during the toddler years, children get into everything, so do your best to keep your child safe from a potential accident. yet, realize accidents do happen even to the most careful parents and children. what i’m like: i am loving, affectionate, and responsive to others. i feel sorry or sad when others my age are upset. i may even like to please you. i don’t need you so close for protection, but please don’t go too far away. i may do the exact opposite of what you want. i may be rigid, not willing to wait or give in. i may even be bossy. “me” is one of my favorite words. i may have fears, especially of sounds, separation, moving household objects, or that big dog. what i need: i need to continue exploring the world, down the block, the parks, library, and stores, etc. i like my routines. if you have to change them, do so slowly. i need you to notice what i do well and praise me. give me two ok choices to distract me when i begin to say “no.” i need you to be in control and make decisions when i’m unable to do so. i do better when you plan ahead. be firm with me about the rules, but calm when i forget or disagree. and please be patient because i am doing my best to please you, even though i may not act that way. return to top during the preschool years, your child will be incredibly busy. cutting, pasting, painting, and singing are all daily activities. when your child starts kindergarten around age five, make sure home and child care activities include learning numbers, letters, and simple directions. most public school kindergarten programs are usually only a few hours a day. you may need care before and after school. it is never too early to begin your search. what i’m like: watch out! i am charged with physical energy. i do things on my own terms. my mind is a sponge. reading and socializing are essential in getting me ready for school. i like to pretend a lot and enjoy scribbling on everything. i am full of questions, many of which are “why?” i become fairly reliable about using the potty. i may stay dry at night and may not. playing and trying new things out are how i learn. sometimes i like to share. i begin to listen more and begin to understand how to solve problems for myself. what i need: i want to know about everything and understand words, and when encouraged, i will use words instead of grabbing, crying, or pushing. play with me, sing to me, and let’s pretend! what i’m like: i’m in an active stage, running, hopping, jumping, and climbing. i love to question “why?” and “how?” i’m interested in numbers and the world around me. i enjoy playing with my friends. i like to be creative with my drawings, and i may like my pictures to be different from everyone else’s. i’m curious about “sleepovers” but am not sure if i’m ready yet. i may want to be just like my older sister or brother. i am proud that i am so big now! what i need: i need to explore, to try out, and to test limits. giving me room to grow doesn’t mean letting me do everything. i need reasonable limits set for my own protection and for others. let me know clearly what is or isn’t to be expected. i need to learn to give and take and play well with others. i need to be read to, talked to, and listened to. i need to be given choices and to learn things in my own way. label objects and describe what’s happening to me so i can learn new words and things. what i’m like: i’m slowing a little in growth. i have good motor control, but my small muscles aren’t as developed as my large muscles for jumping. my activity level is high and my play has direction. i like writing my name, drawing pictures, making projects, and going to the library. i’m more interested now in doing group activities, sharing things and my feelings. i like quiet time away from the other kids from time to time. i may be anxious to begin kindergarten. what i need: i need the opportunity for plenty of active play. i need to do things for myself. i like to have choices in how i learn new things. but most of all, i need your love and assurance that i’m important. i need time, patience, understanding, and genuine attention. i am learning about who i am and how i fit in with others. i need to know how i am doing in a positive way. i understand more about things and how they work, so you can give me a more detailed answer. i have a big imagination and pretend a lot. although i’m becoming taller, your lap is still one of my favorite places. children at this age have busy days filled with recess, homework, and tear jerking fights with their friends. they begin to think and plan ahead. they have a thousand questions. this age group has good and bad days just like adults. get ready, because it’s only the beginning! what i’m like: affectionate and excited over school, i go eagerly most of the time. i am self centered and can be quite demanding. i think of myself as a big kid now. i can be impatient, wanting my demands to be met now. yet i may take forever to do ordinary things. i like to be with older children more than with younger ones. i often have one close friend, and sometimes we will exclude a third child. what i need: this might be my first year in real school. although it’s fun, it’s also scary. i need you to provide a safe place for me. routines and consistency are important. don’t accept my behavior one day and correct me for the same behavior tomorrow. set up and explain rules about daily routines like playtime and bedtime. i need your praise for what i am doing well. since i may go to before and after school care, help me get organized the night before. make sure i have everything ready for school. return to top what i’m like: i am often more quiet and sensitive to others than i was at six. sometimes i can be mean to others my age and younger. i may hurt their feelings, but i really don’t mean to. i tend to be more polite and agreeable to adult suggestions. by now i am conscious of my schoolwork and am beginning to compare my work and myself with others. i want my schoolwork to look “right.” if i make mistakes, i can easily become frustrated. what i need: i need to tell you about my experiences, and i need the attention of other adult listeners. i really want you to listen to me and understand my feelings. please don’t put me down or tell me i can’t do it help me to learn in a positive way. please check my homework and reading assignments. let me go over to my friends and play when possible. i still need hugs, kisses, and a bedtime story. what i’m like: my curiosity and eagerness to explore new things continues to grow. friends are more important. i enjoy playing and being with peers. recess may be my favorite “subject” in school. i may follow you around the house just to find out how you feel and think, especially about me. i am also beginning to be aware of adults as individuals and am curious about what they do at work. around the house or at child care, i can be quite helpful. what i need: my concept of an independent self has been developing. i assert my individuality, and there are bound to be conflicts. i am expected to learn and read and to get along with others. i need support in my efforts so that i will have a desire for achievement. your expectations will have a big impact on me. if i am not doing well in school, explain to me that everyone learns at a different pace, and that tiny improvements make a difference. tell me that the most important thing is to do my best. you can ask my teachers for ways to help me at home. problems in reading and writing should be handled now to avoid more trouble later. and busy eight year olds are usually hungry! children from nine to eleven are like the socks they buy, with a great range of stretch. some are still “little kids” and others are quite mature. some are already entering puberty, with body, emotions, and attitude changes during this stage. parents need to take these changes into account when they are choosing child care for this age group. these children begin to think logically and like to work on real tasks, such as mowing lawns or baking. they have a lot of natural curiosity about living things and enjoy having pets. what i’m like: i have lots of energy, and physical activities are important to me. i like to take part in sports and group activities. i like clothes, music, and my friends. i’m invited to sleepovers and to friends’ houses often. i want my hair cut a certain way. i’m not as sure about school as i am about my social life. those of us who are girls are often taller and heavier than the boys. some girls may be beginning to show signs of puberty, and we may be self conscious about that. i feel powerful and independent, as though i know what to do and how to do it. i can think for myself and want to be independent. i may be eager to become an adult. what i need: i need you to keep communication lines open by setting rules and giving reasons for them, by being a good listener, and by planning ahead for changes in the schedule. remember, i am still a child so don’t expect me to act like an adult. know that i like to be an active member of my household, to help plan activities, and to be a part of the decision making. once i am eleven or older, i may be ready to take care of myself from time to time rather than go to child care. i still need adult help and encouragement in doing my homework. as children enter adolescence, they want their independence. yet they still want to be children and need your guidance. as your child grows, it’s easier to leave him at home for longer periods of time and also ask him to care for younger children. trust your instincts and watch your child to make sure you are not placing too much responsibility on him at one time. talk to him. keep the door open. make sure he is comfortable with a new role of caregiver and is still able to finish his school work and other projects. your child is changing so fast in body, mind, and emotions that you hardly know her anymore. one day she’s as responsible and cooperative as an adult; the next day she’s more like a six year old. planning beyond today’s baseball game or slumber party is hard. one minute she’s sunny and enthusiastic. the next she’s gloomy and silent. keep cool. these children are in process; they’re becoming more self sufficient. it’s independence day! what i’m like: i’m more independent than i used to be, but i’m quite self conscious. i think more like an adult, but there’s no simple answer. i like to talk about issues in the adult world. i like to think for myself, and though i often feel confused, my opinions are important to me, and i want others to respect them. i seem to be moving away from my family. friends are more important than ever. to have them like me, i sometimes act in ways that adults disapprove of. but i still need reasonable rules set by adults. however, i’m more understanding and cooperative. i want nothing to do with babysitters in fact, if i’m mature enough i can often be by myself or watch others. what i need: i need to know my family is behind me no matter how i may stumble in my attempts to grow up. this growing up is serious business, and i need to laugh and play a lot to lighten up and keep my balance. i need you to understand that i’m doing my best and to encourage me to see my mistakes as learning experiences. please don’t tease me about my clothes, hair, boy/girl friends. i also need privacy with my own space and things. return to top home alone? care about quality table of contents cde locations cde mission cde organization contact us equal opportunity jobs at cde newsroom stay connected with cde superintendent's initiatives meeting agendas meeting minutes & schedule members california school dashboard common core state standards complaint procedures content standards curriculum resources education funding english language development standards financial allocations & apportionments high school equivalency tests high school graduation requirements kindergarten in california social and emotional learning standards & frameworks accountability   school performance career technical education charter schools child nutrition child development disaster and emergency management expanded learning principal apportionments safe schools school facilities special education standardized testing title i title iii california school directory education calendars education faqs language access complaint laws & regulations multilingual documents publications school and district reports >> more resources a z index | site map web policy accessibility certification © california department of education

by deborah godfrey | last updated aug 26, 2024 | communication, family team, featured, positive parenting | 85 comments by deborah godfrey when two people get married and decide to have children, they rarely talk about the specifics of how they plan to raise these children. when spouses disagree about parenting, most people have a “de facto” attitude. one that says, “my parents raised me x, y or z way and i turned out just fine and i’ll raise my kids that same way”. while the wonderful person they married has the same idea and attitude, but that parent was raised with a, b and c parenting. so the real problems begin when these two parents have a two year old and their parenting styles begin to clash. when these spouses disagree about parenting issues, what usually happens is that one parent tends to be more strict and the other parent tends to be more lenient. the strict parent gets angry when the lenient parent allows too much leeway. the lenient parent gets upset when the strict parent is too restrictive. so the strict parent gets stricter and the lenient parents gets more permissive. the children have a field day of misbehavior in this dynamic, learning to play one parent against the other and running amuck. the relationship between the parents is most important. that is, how the two parents work together to raise the children, needs to be higher priority than the parenting skills of either parent. i cover this topic and many more in my positive parenting recorded online class. it would be great if parents could have conversations about the specific details of child rearing, specifically how to handle discipline and behavior issues. however, most parents don’t have a context for this discussion until they are actually raising their own children. one of the pieces of advice i would give couples contemplating children would be to have many, “what would we do in this situation?” discussions. observe other parents and their children. then talk about how you would each prefer to handle the situation. this can give you a great deal of information about how your partner plans to parent your future children. for those of us already married, we can use this idea to gain more insight about our partner. in a situation where discussing your child becomes a battle, try looking at another parent's issue with a child. then discuss together how that parent could do things differently and what each of you would do in the situation. it is easier to know what someone else should do, so make sure to bring the discussion back to yourselves. see how you can apply that advice in the challenges you are facing with your children. i wasn’t certain about how much involvement my husband, her step dad, wanted or needed to have in the often heated discussions she and i had been having. a friend of ours was having similar, yet even more extreme issues with his son. his wife, the step mom, and my husband parent similarly. i asked my husband what he thought the step mom’s role was, how much involvement she should have in the situation, and what she should do. his answers were very interesting and not what i had expected. this guided my decision about how much i could and should involve my husband in the issues between my daughter and i. a couple identifies that they are undermining each other’s parenting, and are willing to work on it. there is one main action that can bring the two of you back on track. if you have created the dynamic where one of you has become the strict one and the other the more lenient one, you may hate this advice, but it works. in fact, it’s the only way it can work to bring the two of you back on the same parenting team. here it is: the strict parent gets to be the parenting leader. the lenient parent has to follow the lead of the strict parent in discipline situations**. you cannot do it in the reverse! if you follow this advice, what will happen is that the two of you will begin to move closer together. the strict parent becomes more flexible and generous in parenting. usually the lenient parent sees that the children are not suffering, and in fact are benefitting from the more firm rules and structure of the strict parent. the lenient parent can learn to be more firm in his or her parenting and come closer to being on the team with the strict parent. now the two of you both become kind and firm parents and each support each other. you can feel confident the other is disciplining the children with the best of intentions, actions and results. you can have beneficial discussions on what to do with the children. each of you can feel that you have someone on your side when the parenting gets tough. doesn’t that sound much better? the children of a couple with a loving supportive relationship, and that back each other up as parents, but have marginal parenting skills will be better off than a couple that is at war but knows all the latest and greatest parenting tools and skills. the parent's relationship is setting the example for how the entire family should be. as the role model and leader, it has more influence that just about any other dynamic in the family. so, if your relationship has taken a back seat to the kids, maybe it’s time to schedule that date night again. spend more time at the beginning and end of each day connecting as a couple, and if necessary, get into some couples counseling. those things can benefit your children much more than reading a parenting book or taking a parenting class. and do read the book and take the class   after you have re committed to keeping your relationship on track! **if the strict parent is abusive, please seek the help of a hotline, counselor or therapist, do not follow this advice** deborah has been teaching parenting classes and workshops for 30+ years. she is passionate about parenting, relationships and children. thank you so much for this post. my husband and i are in that exact situation at the moment. he is the strict one and i am overcompensating. i will try what you say and hopefully we will get back onto the same page. hi i was hoping to get some advice to what i see as a very big problem with some possibly serious repercussions. my girl friends 2 yr old daughter has i guess had a history of claiming that the people around her are hitting and hurting her; when in fact they aren’t. when she comes back to our house from her fathers she will out if no where randomly claim that ive hit her, pushed her down, grabbed her roughly, screamed in her face ect. my girl friend knows that this isnt true….for now. its my fear that one day given the right combination that she could be convincing enough for this to become a really big problem. her mom doesnt really do much about this except for make her say sorry which she does while grinning and laughing. i know that down the road this could lead to the possibility of incarceration, a fight, or her dad doing god knows what. im about to walk out because of this but we have twins due any moment now and i dont know what to do i have a real issue with this dynamic. i feel like balance is a very important thing in a marriage and when you create an opposite dynamic in the marriage you are intentionally off setting that balance. why do us men have to be the “enforcers” (the bad guys). and in what relationship did this type of dynamic ever create a balance? i’m in this kind of relationship now and the inevitable always happens. i’m expected to deal with the kids when they are not listening while i’m also expected to deal with them going directly to their mother to get around me. i’m expected to be stern but not to stern. i can’t get on the kids every time they mess up but i’m called in when they have pissed mom off so bad she’s screaming. i work hard to build the character of the children so that things don’t escalate to the point of yelling. but when my wife lets them off the hook it undo’s all the work i put in to show them it’s not right to do that. what happens is i talk to my wife, we sit down and talk and she changes for about 2 weeks. then i call her out for slipping back. she gets pissed for me calling her out and the cycle returns. the only way i see parenting working is if both parents demand the same level from each child as the other. there can’t be a good guy/bad guy i can’t see how that could ever work. that’s an interrogation tactic used to throw off criminals under investigations how could that ever work with parenting. the idea it self is designed to confuse people. it confuses the children because the children don’t know who is really in charge and who is just a puppet who’s strings may be manipulated if the puppet master isn’t around. hi i’m a child and right now my siblings are causing marital problems with my mum and my step dad. of course people normally wouldn’t blame them as my siblings have at least 3 mental disorders each, but they are really destroying everything as personally i love my step dad but my little sister who is about 2 years younger than me(10) and all of a sudden she’s afraid of the dark or to be alone. she constantly whines about the tiniest things imaginable. for instance, one time my mum asked her to pass the tomato sauce and then she started yelling and telling her to get it herself. anyway i have no idea how to get them to pull their heads in because my mum and step dad are clueless and keep getting into fights. so i thought that because my brother is scared of my dad i could get him to deal with it. anyway if any of you could help me out that would be great. im cracking up! “follow the strict leader” because while part of this is ideal   that he will then become more lenient \ soft\ empathetic instead of just defensive about everything which 99% is only on what 1 kid is doing   i tried this. it did not work. it just added to his ego that he is justified. this is terrible advice. currently, my childrens’ mother would consider herself the more strict one, but only because she is quick to anger, flies into a rage, and will scold and punish the children at the drop of a hat because she’s in a bad mood about something else. that’s not strict, that’s abusive. i consider myself just as “strict”, but my approach tends to be more calm and rational. when i correct our children’s behavior i tend to focus on setting the example and teaching a lesson. if my kid stole a candy bar, i would let him know what he did was wrong as we walked back to the store to return the candy bar and have him tell the shop owner what happened and ask if there were some chores he could do for free to make up for the transgression. then my kid would learn to take accountability for his actions, as well as how to be honest and make amends for his mistakes. his mother would fly off the handle, scream and yell for 30 minutes and smash his tablet and ask him how he liked having his things taken away. while that is a contrived example, she actually does things like this. for instance, when he picks on his sister she’ll just do the same thing back to him. if he pushes his sister on the ground, she’ll push him on the ground, if he hits his sister she hits him, etc. i’m not more lenient. i’m less abusive. telling someone to fall in line with a parent like that is despicable, and this is the scenario a lot of people reading this post are probably facing. what do our kids learn when you only teach them the values you believe in when the other parent is not around, then when the other parent is around, you stand by silently as your child watches you do nothing when that parent violates those values, and your child’s trust right in front of you? how can i tell my son hitting is wrong, and then say but it’s okay when mom does it? then if his sister hits him and he hits her back as mom does, how do you punish that without being a total hypocrite. ben, if you read this article to the end, you will see in bold the statement, “**if the strict parent is abusive, please seek the help of a hotline, counselor or therapist, do not follow this advice**” which is exactly your point and i agree with you. i’m not sure why you would blast the article when it is exactly the point you are making. debbie what a crock! i tried this and my husband became even more overbearing and domineering. my daughter is 34 and my twin sons 32 and thy don’t want to be around him. well did this work in the end? it doesn’t work. now the kids have to deal with an overbearing dad and a strict mom. it doesn’t help him to stop being so emotionally mean to them. misguided what about when one parent is permissive 95% of the time, and 5% of the time extremely strict? which has meant that the other parent has not had the choice between strict or permissive, but deals with each situation with her kids on a day by day basis, knowing the unpredictability of the outbursts of the other parent, that are infrequent but have a dramatic impact, could come at any time? so other parent (me) tries to discipline in different ways, (using point systems, rewarrd charts, time outs & time ins), but because i am the only one trying ti follow something consistently, i feel undermined all the time, because treats are given at all times of the day regardless of how things are going, treats are now actually not even treats, they have become expected, & i have felt entirely no control over the situation. i also just learned something that shocked me, making me feel even more ineffectual and undermined as a parent: i got upset when my 5 year old hit my 2 year old, & implemented a rule my husband & i had agreed upon that if we fount out that he was indeed hitting his little brother, we would not be able to have his handheald game for the entire day. my husband & i agreed on this, but i learned (through our new set up of a motion activated recording sensor, none of us was used to it, i think one of us wants to see it again either) when going through & deleting motion videos (dog jumping on the couch! 🙂 unfortunately learned in a recording that my husband told my 5 year old son that “mommy made the decision to take his game away, she’s still mad at you, so you better do something to get back on her good side.” then he told our son he was sorry, & kissed him. he didn’t mention anything about hitting his little brother in the face (totally defenseless, strapped in his high chair, but regardless!!!) being wrong, did not mention that he thought our son had done anything wrong, & then went on to tell him i couldn’t “handle” hearing our 2 year old scream, & cry, & went on to tell him because i have my period.i was shocked, dismayed, utterfly “dumb”founded. (really feel dumb for not knowing, but never considered it would happen.) he undermined me, blamed my being upset about my son’s hitting on my being irrational because of my period, kissed him, essentially causing a rift between us as parents. i am always the one who tries to calm my husband down when he blows his fuse, screams like crazy, & scares the children so much trhat they are crying, & that no matter what they had done in the beginning is out the window because the reaction from their dad inadequately compares to incident, so i am trying to save them from the scary screaming, out of place, & over the top. but i try to implement consistent rules, & every single day, i find it is again somehing i have no control over. i come down at 6:30 am tto my kids havng ice cream & sprinkles, it’s not even a treat, it’s expected. i’m at a loss, i have no suport system in place, & feel nothing i ever do will evre make a difference. it is so hard to even feel like anything i do matters, to be honest, it is becoming depressing, i feel overwhelmed by it, and like a huge failure. if i had family or friends or money, things surely would be different, but i feel at a loss. i have no support system. is there a free support line, or something maybe anyone may recommend? i’d love any gentlr suggestions. (gentle, please, i know this is hard for my kids to go through the confusion, & i am trying so hard on my own to figure out how to make it work out best for everyone, well truly their best interest is my first, main concern, i am trying, even if it sounds like i’m doing a bad job, failing, please be gentle.) thanks. i don’t have any words of wisdom but i just want to say you are not alone. you totally described my husband, even down to blaming them getting in trouble for bad behavior on my hormones. he also says things like, “i don’t know why she’s mad, just do whatever she says so she stops.” even if i am trying to enforce a rule he made. he gives back toys and electronics after i’ve taken them away and tells them to hide things from me. as far as the suddenly explosive part, my husband is bipolar. it would be something to check out if your husband would be willing. just please know that this is not you. no one can parent effectively while being constantly undermined. i’m so sorry you are going through this. i’m in this situation now and it has grown to my 4 year old having no respect for me at all. he laughs in my face when he tells her not to listen to me, that i’m just running my mouth, nevermind that she just smacked my face or spit at me or threw toys at our rabbit. i feel like everything is escalating beyond control. you need to leave this relationship so you can be the healthy, mature mentor/model for your children! oh girl, you are not alone. i’m undermined by him, his mother, his sister.. it’s infuriating to the point that i’m crying writing this because i know what you’re going through. and we are the bad guys for getting on family for not backing me up or implementing rules at grandparents house that we have at home. and my son is 1. they give him candy all day. feeds him mcdonald’s for every meal.. and they wonder why i’m a b**** for not wanting my son to go over to their house. i pack food, it gets ignored. i pack clothes, they put clothes they bought and make a big fuss if i don’t send him in something they bought.. news flash.. i don’t keep up with that crap. whatever is clean, he puts on. end of story. his mother will purposely play with the hose with him so that he has to change clothes into whatever she got him.. like it’s beyond the point of being grateful.. it’s intrusive it’s demeaning as a mother. and my husband barely backs me up.. he only works weekends but during the week when he’s home.. he’s in the studio.. don’t even get me started on naps and schedules… this post could go on and on.. but if you ever need to talk; please email me.. maya4you1@gmail.com can i say i hate my kid because of my partner ? i love this boy to death. he’s super loving & has his special corks, but i just came in to his life when he was 4 about to be 5 now 6 so two years. he went from screaming saying toy toy every time we passed a walmart or any store with toy, now why would he do this ? i come to find out my partner would buy him a toy every time she would go to the store and it wasn’t even because he was being good, because i’ve done that be good and you get a treat. no this woman would get him a toy because he was crying and screaming that he wanted one. but that was instilled in him because she would do that all the time. so who’s fault is it that he’s like that ?? it’s her fault . he’s learned that if he acted that way he’d get he’s way. two years later he no longer screams when passing the store but i told take him with me to the store . now you read that short story now just imagine how bad this kid is at home because she doesn’t say anything and i’m the one that has too yet she gets annoyed and frustrated when i keep having to say something to him … well if someone else said something i probably wouldn’t sound annoying because i wouldn’t be the only one saying it yet you just want him to run rapid because you think that’s what kids should be doing …. kids can have a place to play the whole house isn’t a place area . but i guess i’m wrong .. and i would love nothing more than to switch roles and he be the bad cop and me be the good cop but that’s never going to happen because she can’t bare to see him sad, in discomfort, or anything but happy and mad i think she likes when he’s mad … that’s a joke but she don’t care to hear me out yet since i’ve came in your life i’m sorry but that kid has only gotten better because of me and what i have instilled in him not because of her and i’m scared that if i were to leave her he would be lost im in the same boat. sorry i dont have answers. wish i did because then i wouldn’t feel like a failure either. it sucks the life out of me. im a stay at home mom. 18 years and he has no respect for me and somehow i allowed the negative in. my youngest is 14. he has some anxiety and depression so i often have to pick him up for misbehaving. i have to be on call, its my job and i must earn my keep. i love being a mom, just hate that the respect is missing. i can now sort of see it when my kids look at me. he wants to be friends with the kids, im just trying to be a goid stable parent. he makes it very hard. i appreciate you sharing your situation and your feelings. truly , thank you. i could completely relate to your feelings of frustration and emotional despair, while still continuing to be a good mom to your kids. i am in a similar situation with the other parent always redirecting and dismissing the real issue at hand, in exchange for dumping the motive for good behavior as being to avoid getting “mommy upset”. ugggh! so awful that the issue is not about you getting upset, but rather that your child acted or did something that is not acceptable, and therefore now has a consequence to face. this is not rocket science. it’s very simple ultimately. maybe not fun for the kid who is getting a punishment for the actions they chose and need to learn to handle differently. but they never get the chance to learn what they did wrong because the other parent disregards you and the importance of discipline, respect and personal accountability. you are a good mom. i think that any disagreement of parenting issues between spouses that leads to an argument or conflict between spouses should be done behind closed doors to your children. healthy disagreements are a good thing as long as the spouses are able to work out some form of resolution for the issue. after both parents have given some ground and worked out the issue and agreed upon some type of solution that both spouses can live with, they should present the parenting solution that both have agreed upon to the child or children together and as a united front. it is not good for children to have one parent telling them one thing and the other parent telling them something else. this can lead to the children feeling the need to choose sides and that is something you never want your child to have to do. this is why it is so important that parents should try and have any arguments or disagreements about the parenting of their children in a place that the children cannot see or hear them. the only thing the children need to see and hear is one thing from both parents. i think i’m starting to detest not only the father of my child, but also my child and i don’t know what to do. im the mother (a stay at home mom)and i always have to be the bad guy in situations. always. my son just turned 3, and all he wants is daddy because he lets him get away with everything. when he does scold him it’s in a baby voice and then he gives him a hug. like?? he can’t just back me up and say “listen to your mother, be nice to your mother” no he’s got to go over there and just hug him after i scold him . it hurts always being the bad guy. he’s turning into my mother, who also does the same thing to our son. and my husband and i used to always hate that about my mom. now he’s the same. it just hurts so bad ya know? im the mom, but he never wants me. he only wants daddy and granny and it’s literally tearing me apart. if my only son doesn’t want me or like me, what’s the point? maybe i am just a sh*t mother. i haven’t been this suicidal since my son’s been born, now it’s back and it’s bad. i’m sorry our marriage has been ruined because my husband is so lenient with our children. he just sits there and says nothing if our adult children are rude, swear, throw things at me or in the past have physically hurt me. this has been going on for 10 years and he just keeps apologizing but doesn’t change his behavior. the strange thing is he would never do any of the things that we allows our children to do. i haven’t a clue how your husbands lack of a parental spine effects how your children treat/interact/respect you!? it just seems to me you have to build and demand respect from your kids, you. my brother and i grew up single parent (mother) and so mom was mom and dad in a way. we had no doubts that she loved us with everything she was but we also knew if we did not fall in line there would be hell to pay! good cop bad cop literally all in one person, she was a police detective for 10 years. she loved us and gave us respect and she demanded back nothing less. this is to scott. if one parent treats the other parent a particular way, the kids learn to also treat that parent the same way. so if daddy rollls his eyes at mama the kids will try it too, and when daddy tells kids don’t mind her when she tries to send them to timeout guess what happens. so i don’t know why you would use your story and tell her it’s her fault. it doesn’t happen for single parents the same way. my husband is usually passive but when he wants to enforce anything for my 15 year daughter he always takes the path of punishments   he would say something like wash you face at 5   then take her phone away or cut off her internet or apply screen time locks if she didn’t do it by that time. also he cuts off tv or texting time or locks her laptop for months at a time if she argues with him or critiques him. while there is no physical punishment going on this has caused an environment of her living in constant anxiety because she doesn’t what he will cut and how much is she slips up even once. confronting him is no use   he says i am not strict enough and want my daughter to be dependent on me my entire life and that he is teaching her life lessons. my problem is that it keeps her in a constant stare of anxiety which build up into anger   but she feels she cannot talk to him to resolve it because she thinks he will just find a way to punish her for that. also he doesn’t tell her what he will cut off, when and why so it’s really stressful to find something has happened and figure out it might have been i don’t think it always has to be the lenient parent who compromises their parenting style. i’m more lenient than my partner, but i am conscientious about my choices. i insist on certain rules, but i feel there are battles i choose to not make a priority. my partner who works out of the home, while i work in the home, chooses to fight (sometimes quite literally) most battles. hi megan, i just read this article and know that your comment here is about 2 yrs old. i agree with you that we (the less strict parent) can’t always follow the strict parent. my husband is very strict but not consistent. he would blow up and ground our child for unreasonable length of time (say two weeks, a month) then cahnged it when he calms down to two days or so. i kept telling him that’s why the kids don’t really respect him, but i don’t think it sticks, he comes back doing that again later. talking behind close doors (not in front of the kids) don’t always help as he just said that i am not supportive. this article is not for every parents as different people have different situations and personalities. my question is, how do you solve this problem (what works so far)? thanks yes i can relate!.. ugh it’s so frustrating !… every time my daughter stays home with my partner.. they have a day full of battles . so he puts her to do shores for a big part of the day. i choose my battles .. he picks all of them.. he is like in a power trip!. i am at a point that i don’t know if i want to continue to stay in a relationship with him. parenting it’s already hard , i don’t need someone to add to the stress. specially bc he has only been in our life a couple of years. thanks for your article. my husband and i don’t work together and often argue and yell in front of the kids about how he talks, shouts and disciplines our kids. i feel that his reactions towards little things ends up snowballing into a huge argument and leads us not talking for days. i know how damaging this is for my 2 girls (15,8) and don’t know how else to handle the situation, as talking about it just leads to another argument. my smaller daughter is always doing things to anger him and his starting to or already dislike her. i feel that she’s still little and he feels that she must grow up. she does look for a lot of attention and possibly because she’s seeking something. just an example of what occurred today. while shopping for groceries, my younger daughter stood onto the end of the trolly. he asked her to get off and she didn’t, he the. shook the trolly and she pretended to be hurt. naturally me been the mother, concerned about her asked why did you have to do that and his reply was she’s not hurt, she’s just pretending as usual. this lead to an argument and he stormed out the grocery store. worst was on the way home, he makes comments about her getting her own way and how i don’t side with him and always her. this lead to a bigger argument and yelling, with my kids feeling very upset and crying. i don’t know how to fix this or where to go from here. i’m just so tired. unfortunately, parenting disagreements can completely erode the good feelings and affection of spouses toward one another. you say you know how damaging this is to your daughters and i agree. priority #1 is to get on the same page with your husband. my positive parenting class is a great forum for this. not only do i help you get on the same page by giving you a much great scope of parenting options, but i help the 2 of you to figure out how to best achieve that when you are working against each other. it’s great you are looking for answers now. eventually, it will be just the 2 of you again and you want to be madly in love with him, not resentful! hi big issue in my house is my wife is always having the kids go to bed so early. so early to where i don’t even get to see them. we argue about this all the time and says she will try to change it but never does. what can i do because waiting all week to get to see my kids is killing me and she doesn’t understand that. i feel i am always the one giving in and when ever we fight she just threatens to leave. honestly i think it’s cause she wants a break and putting them to sleep at 5pm is how she can. i understand stay at home mom is hard but just let me help too. what do you do when 1 parent is too strict (my husband) & too stubborn to give in or compromise at all. my teenage kids are miserable & he treats them like they are toddlers. for instance my freshman daughter doesn’t have a cellphone yet. my junior daughter does & my husband complains all the time that she has no need for a cellphone except when she is driving. my husband goes thru their rooms & throws clothes away he doesn’t like. for instance, i took the girls shopping for short. i told the sales lady that i needed shorts that the girls could wear to school & that the school was strict about the length. the girls tried on the shorts & they looked very nice on them & plenty long. weeks later the girls went to wear their shorts & noticed they were gone. my husband had went thru their drawers & threw them away. i asked him to get them & we would take them into his parents & ask them if they thought they were appropriate or take to his cousin (who is somewhat strict with their kids) & see what they thought……he said he didn’t care what they thought & was going to parent how he wanted. this has caused some major stress in our marriage. these are just a few of the disagreements we have. we tried couselling however, as soon as the couselor somewhat put my husband on the spot, he refused to go back. now we are at a point where he works all the time & our marriage i feel is coming to an end…… brooke, it’s such a bummer that your conflicts in parenting are ruining your marriage and relationships with your girls. i could certainly coach you (and you’re husband if he’s willing) and see if there is any possibility of getting on the same page together. if the 2 of you took my online class together, you would have a format from which to discuss how you parent, what your kids are learning, and make choices to go forward together. i am a strong advocate that the relationship between the couple is more important than your actual parenting techniques. listen to my 4 minute pep talk on couples and parenting. since i am not a counselor, sometimes it works for the spouse to learn from me because i will be coaching specifically on parenting options and not judging his techniques or digging into his childhood. use me. i am here for you.  debbie my husband and i disagree on how to discipline our 5 yr old grandaughter. when i tell her to stop doing something annoying or unnecessary or dangerous, he always undermines me and ask me why can’t she or what difference does it make? of course she is using this to get or do whatever she wants. if she doesn’t get her way, she yells ” pawpaw” and he comes running. if i raise my voice to her, when she will not behave after numerous attempts to get her to stop, he runs in and starts yelling at me! it is a constant battle when she visits us. no matter what i say, he says the opposite. her mom and dad can’t get her to mind them for several days after she has been around him and are talking about not letting her come over. i love my grandaughter and this hurts me to the core. i have tried to talk to him numerous times and he says i am overreacting to everything. then he starts telling me . please give me some advice or direct me to a book about my situation. i am tired of being looked at as the bad guy because i try to get her to act right. brenda, i’m so sorry for your frustration. i think you realize this is a marriage counseling issue between you and your husband and not really a parenting issue. if your husband could realize the mistakes he is making and ask for helping in (grand)parenting better/differently, then i could help with coaching. but he would need to be open before you or me or anyone could teach him a different approach. perhaps losing access to his grand daughter will give him that motivation. please feel free to call me if you would like to set up some coaching 805 648 6846. in the meantime, perhaps you can get your husband to listen to a recording of my talk about power struggles and other ways to handle them. he may be more open after listening to this. i feel for ya! i would not be able to stand it if i couldn’t see my grandbaby!!!! hugs to you, debbie i hope you leave him. he sounds terrible . so you’re raising your granddaughter? hello. so my fiance and i have four kids. a boy and a girl from his previous marriage and a boy and a girl together. for quite some time now, we have been having a lot of issues with the oldest. she is not quite a teenager yet. they spend 1 week at our home and 1 week with their mom and her boyrfriend (which is always on and off). the daughter has been going to school claiming that i am mean and she is scared of me etc, when i’m not sure why. i am a strict parent as where their dad is more lenient. it has gotten worse the older she gets and it’s getting to the point where she is almost happy it seems when him and i are not happy together because that means i’m not there to have some of the attention. we fight more now because we are having social services coming to see us because she has been saying many things to her school and councellor, which is absurd. i feel like i’m loosing my family and losing the love of my life, and he says that his kids come first and i need to find a way to get her to like me…. i disagree and am kind of heartbroken that he doesn’t understand why i feel so terrible or why i am do sensitive to these things. please help!! we have gone to one therapist that was a terrible choice for our family. it’s gotten to the point as of tonight that he doesn’t want to look at me and i may be sleeping on the couch. open to anything. dawn, this is so sad! without some help it does sound like your potential blended family will not make it together. i can hear that you are doing your best to provide support and discipline to the kids and your fiance is doing his best to keep the kids and the ex happy. unfortunately, by not working together, you both are providing a “field day” of misbehavior possibilities for the kids. as you read in my article, couples can usually come together by having the less strict parent follow the more strict parent’s lead. every blended family is different. i would need to know more details about all of you to properly guide you. sometimes when i coach parents (couples) in blended situations, i will suggest more team work. in other situations, i will coach the step parent to take a back seat and leave the discipline to the bio parent. and the reason is to protect you from exactly what is happening to you right now…getting blamed. in all cases, i will guide you through specifically handling the misbehavior situations when they occur with concrete words and actions and get both of you on board with the plan. if he is open to coaching, you can contact me and i can set up coaching calls with the two of you. or i can help you navigate this by yourself. i wish you the best, debbie 805 648 6846 my “partner” emailed this to me… he is new to our family… going on 2 years with us. he has zero parenting experience, but a lot of opinions and expectations about how to discipline children. my daughter is 6… she is not accustomed to being yelled at or manhandled by an angry male. she is not accustomed to a parent/guardian withholding affection bc they are still mad about something that happened an hour ago. his behaviour has led me to strip him of most of his disciplinary authority over my child. he may not spank, or physically handle her at all bc he broke our trust when he slapped her at 5 yrs old for spitting. now the result is he feels the frustration of having no real means of recourse when addressing my childs behaviour… ive left him with time out, send her to bed, or defer the issue to me. he may also withhold or give rewards, treats, liberties… but i have noticed he tends to use even that as a means of antagonizing my child rather than for positive reinforcement. he fancies himself the “strict” parent and feels i swoop in and undermine his authority…. but as the biological parent when i see my child not following directions… i am unable to address that issue immediately when there is an even bigger threat of a full grown angry adult shouting, red in the face, and trying to pry something out of my childs hand or trying to physically force her to move…. pull her, pick her up… he chooses to engage in physical contact which isnt necessary… and to me is over the top… and usually the reason i have to postpone immediately addressing my childs bad behaviour bc now i have to de escalate a situation, make sure my kid is ok…. and then find out what happened, why, and discipline her. i also often find the conflict occured bc he refuses to have a dialogue with a child. if she insits that she needs something that he thinks she doesnt need… he will say no and expect her to go away. if she is persistent in asking… he will get upset. if she takes matters into her own hands, he will get upset… but rarely will he ever inquire further to find out the reason behind why she asked… and usually the reasons are very innocent… maybe a little misguided… and def something an adult mind would have found a simple satisfactory compromise for, if only they invested time in understanding the child. so no. i will not let this wannabe strict parent take any sort of parenting lead when it comes to disciplining my daughter…. pfffft exactly why your a horrible parent and why he will eventually leave! just because he is not “dad”…. does not mean he does not care or that he should not be able to be the parent without being scared of what you might say or change. your the one failing your child and your relationship! when my husband and i are having a conversation our kids come and interrupt. they are 3 and 4 years old. i usually see what they want then go back to the conversation. my husband thinks i should tell them to wait and not interrupt our conversation. this has caused many fights and i’m wondering how to handle this situation. thanks. kids are notorious for this. mine were perfectly good… until i get on the telephone or start having a conversation with another adult. my upbringing taught me that it is extremely rude to boldly interrupt adults who are speaking or on the phone unless its a true emergency. there is a polite way to do it if need be. so it took my wife and i first to get on the same page about how we both will handle it. then apply it consistently until it finally stuck. the kids will decide if they should approach and if they do they will hold until the appropriate time to say something or more than likely wait until we ask them, yes? its not always perfect either so its not worth melting down when the rules revert back from time to time, they are kids. i would ask the child if some one is hurt or in trouble. if the answer is no then kindly say “then please wait until we are finished with our conversation”. explain to husband that interrupting someone, while rude, can sometimes being necessary . he is right. you need to teach your kids respect. teaching kids that they should not interrupt when adults are talking is important. learning to be patient and learning how to act is a huge problem and why we as parents are having such problems with our kids these days. my husband is on the verge of leaving our family because i have not shown a united front to our son for some time. this is my action plan in case anyone is interested and i would also welcome some feedback from deborah! my son is experiencing internal conflict because of the lack of congruency between me and my husband. he has been more disciplined with our 4 years old son for some time now. and although i have not been so bad by ‘normal’ standards, the conflict within our son exists as hubby and i are not fully aligned to our family style. my solution   i am closely observing my son and in ym mind making it all about him…because i have made parenting about me sadly! i am being very strict with him and i have told him that this is not to punish him, that he has done nothing wrong and that he may not like me but this is what i have to do to make positive changes within our tribe. i also told him that i do not want to be so strict on him but that this is what i must do in order to protect and guide him. that this is my duty. this morning i told him all this and then proceeded to be disciplined a lot more then ever before. i am watching for the shift within him to where he is not feeling that internal conflict. i am not being angry towards my son, but because as a family we practice internal martial arts it does look quite strict. the way i see it is that because of my lack of consistency i have created this wall and i need now to crank it up…more then even my hubby so that i can equalise this situation within our family. the longer i have done nothing the more strict i need to be in order to counter balance what was created in the first place. although my son is still young it takes time to change what has manifested. i hope so much that i can enable this change now within my son and fast and that my hubby will choose to stay. i understand that it is only natural for people to lose heart eventually and not much can be done about this natural progression as the one you love lets go. i am very sad right now but determined to make this change. deborah i really like what you wrote and i believe in your stratedgy. i feel like what you wrote is a like a map and this has helped me have faith in the ‘map’ that i have just recently started implementing. i often have thought that things [people] take time to change, but i want to see change happen fast naturally now within my son…simply due to me finally being consistent not because i am pressuring my son to change…this si not what i am doing with him. i am happy to write out what i am attempting with my son in case that helps others find their own way in turning around family dynamics. just let me know. when was this article written? i am in a parenting class and my teacher asked us to pic an article…this one was the best. it’s informant and i agree with what your saying. so basically the strict parent gets thier own way? this doesn’t seem right. my husband is being far to strict to the point where it’s knocked my sons self confidence. i can’t stand by and let him do this. i think your theory might work in certain situations, but when you have an arrogant no it all husband like mine it doesn’t because he’ll simply just turn around and say ‘told you so’ regardless of the negative consequences this would have on the child. if you give an inch he takes a mile. my 14 yr old daughter is in a relationship her step dad and i don’t agree with. i handled the situation by taking privilege away. he said for me to handle it. but he doesn’t wanna let it go. he keeps nagging her about it. he also thinks whooping her will make her dump this boy. i’m so stressed about the situation. i don’t want to lose my daughter. i have 2 daughters and my wife always points out how i would treat the other differently if it was her getting in trouble… this happens everyday. and she does it right in front of them so they know there is something to point out. my older daughter is starting to mention the same thing every time now… “if it was her doing it she this wouldn’t be an issue”…. im about to go crazy on her. wow! really? you had me right up until you offered your advice. you sound like a lively person but how is it positive parenting to reinforce unnecessarily strict parenting? if you took the time to define your terms and create parameters around reasonable strictness, perhaps i could be more compassionate, but as it is this article is irrespponsible at best and potentially dangerous. an asterisk hardly begins to address the risk your article poses to families searching for answers you complicated questions. what data are you referencing when you confidently posit that the stricter parent will always relax when they are supported? if your husband is like that, congratulations! please don’t present your experience as remotely universal. absolutely, i followed this advice and its led to nothing but my partner ramping up the controlling and yelling to a point where i now feel like its damaging. i’ve had to take back control which has led to confusion and more fighting with my partner as i put my foot down and draw a line on what is ok and what is not. my teen is now so much in conflict with my partner that every request has become a battle ground. allowing the ‘stricter’ parent to take the lead was a complete disaster and im now not sure that we can even stay together i’m sorry but i completely disagree with this because that’s what i tried to do and it absolutely did not work. i’m the more lenient parent, and i am that way with good reason because my child is very sensitive and becomes easily overstimulated by overly stern discipline. my husband is strict about everything. i mean, our child is two years old, so there are a lot of little things he’s constantly learning and trying. my husband gets furious if there is any loud sound in the house ever. if our child drives a toy car on the wall, my husband gets mad instantly. if we knock on a door a single time more than he wants us to (when he’s on the other side of the door), he yells at us to stop. if our son “sits wrong” on the couch, he gets mad. basically there is no room for the child to actually play, just be a rule following robot, which is impossible for me, let alone a toddler. i tried to just be his back up, enforce his rules even though i think they’re ridiculous. but he’s not “coming around” or “softening up”, he just get’s more and more impatient with us when he finds something new to disapprove of. it just makes him feel more self riotous and me resent him even more. your advice basically amounts to me, the one doing 98% of the actual parenting, mindlessly following the rules set out by my spouse who is only even around us for maybe 30 minutes a day, just to keep him from being angry with us. no, that’s just terrible advice. that’s not coming together as parents, that’s a clear winner and loser. and to be clear, we did talk about parenting before hand. we were very clear about what our experiences were as kids and what kind of parents we would be. we did discuss specific scenarios. guess what, that’s useless! what you think you’ll do and reality are not one and the same. kate, im so sorry you are going through this. do not follow the insane advice in this article. it assumes that the strict partner is emotionally intelligent, willing to learn, and stable. im afraid thats not the case with a lot of us. based on what you described, i recommend you both read touchpoints by dr. brazleton (on amazon). it focuses on the social emotional development of the child and how parents can support (hint: parents need to adapt). everything your child is doing is wonderful and normal. you are a great mom to encourage your son’s exploration. look into maria montessori as well if you havent already. she talks a lot about how to respect children and make an environment they can thrive in. finally, your husband sounds miserable. if hes reacting to these small things with arbitrary “rules” and if after informing himself about how kids actually develop he is still like this, id seek counseling. hi, i have asperger syndrome, and i used to get very upset if i saw someone doing something differently from how we did it in my household. my parents were both pretty strict about manners as well as other aspects of my brother’s and my behavior (although, i always felt like they were stricter about mine than they were about his). i think it would have been easier for me not to get upset if one of my parents seemed stricter than the other, because i would have seen that different people have different values, and different rules for children. what if one parent is strict in only some circumstances while the other is strict in other circumstances. how do you determine who is the leader for this i am concerned what happens if the one ot read this article is the strict one? i am the strict one and my husband likes his peace and quiet more than my need to see our 4 year old disciplined. if i show him this article, and ask him to follow my lead or back me up he will dismiss me for “going looking for something you want on the internet” and “there are always opposing articles available on the internet” at present his bitterness for me and my resentment for always being told i need to let things go is at an all time high. even if i express my disapproval in a small grunt (didn’t even call the kid out for anything), he gets riled up at me. i feel like with his ego about how “right” his way of raising our kid is, he will never agree to this approach of following the stricter parent. almost feel like our marriage is on the line   please help! valerie mondesir alarcon. when two people get married and decide to have children, they rarely talk about the specifics of how they plan to raise these children. i have a similar problem where i am my husband totally disagree on parenting . i want to convince him to meet a therapist who could help us . whom should i search for these specific problems . i have been looking for someone in our area and did not know which kind of therapist would help us with these issues. should i search for a therapist who deals with family issues? i’m so glad i stumbled across this article! i haven’t been married for very long but i’ve been together with my husband for almost a year now. he has two kids and i became a step parent over night. discipline is something we fight about often. he’s the softy, i’m the strict one. i’m with the kids all day everyday while he is at work and i babysit other kids from home. it is very frustrating to see the kids get away with so many things with their dad when i’ve been working with them all day to establish house rules and boundaries. it seems like we are hardly ever on the same page. and the more lenient he is…the stricter i get so that i feel i can compensate for it. this article helps so much! and so good to hear i’m not alone in feeling this way! i have pretty much given up. my husband wants to be the good guy and doesn’t have the balls to stand up to our youngest son who has difficult behavior. he is so lenient. tonight, he let our son go down to the house of a boy we have never met before. he barely talked to the mom ahead of time. because of our son’s aggression, we do not let him play a lot on electronics and we have banned any violent games. when our son didn’t come home by 8:30 like my husband told him, my husband did nothing. when i got home, i had to be the one to go down the street and tell our son to come home. the boy and my son were playing an active shooter game. i wanted to choke my husband. when i try to get our sons into a routine and have clear expectations (our other son is autistic) in our home, my husband undermines me in front of the kids. i’ve had it!!! so what do you do/how do you deal with, a step parent who tries to push their own sexist opinions onto an adult child that is of the same sex? do you sit by and say nothing while your kid is being blatantly brainwashed, or do you intervene? i mean, according to the article, leniency stands aside for strict, and in the process strict becomes more relaxed. so if your son is being told to “do what you want without taking your girlfriend’s wants/needs into concideration”, then you should just sit back and let your husband give your son harmful advice? my challenge is that what i say to my kid is always challenged and then i ask again and again the same thing and it gets into a pissing match. then my wife steps in and says the same thing and it gets heard. i explain to my wife that she gets the results since she is seen as the final decision maker due to our kid being allowed to question my decisions all her life. i was never allowed to question one parent decisions since i would get punished since a parents decision is a parents decision and if i trued to pin one parent against the other i would get grounded. my wife does not see it this way since she was not raised the same way. i am constantly being told it is my demeanor, tact, approach and tone of voice that is the reason i do not get the same results. i find it is because our daughter is allowed to disregard my decisions and ask the wife in order to get a better one or a decisions that she likes. it is very debilitating and irritating and causes arguments. is either way correct? the real struggle exists in a society that gives both men and women equal voices and roles and essentially puts two chiefs in charge of the village, but without specific roles. if one parent was seen as shaping the kids manners and behaviors and the other as disciplining and toughening them up, life would be better in balance. the freedoms of modern culture have decimated the traditions and expectations of manners, discipline, and respecting the gender roles. now it’s a big cluster f soup. good luck to present day men… the tides have turned and we are in uncharted territory. i have 2 teenage kids. one 15 year old girl and 17 year old boy. me and my fiancé are at each other’s throat because we don’t have the same discipline tactics. her child is grown and moved away from home. she always thinks her way is better than mine and that causes conflict between us . i tried to explain because she doesn’t think my way is “ effective “ that doesn’t mean i’m wrong because she did something different with her child when he lived with her. i know it’s hard being in the role of step parent . on the other note what should i do because it is tearing our relationship ship apart. she thinks i should punish my daughter and make her miserable during her punishment and basically make her sit on the couch for months and do nothing but go to school and church . any ideas. my 11 year old is suffering because of his parents (me and my wife) fighting with each other about raising him and the other children as well. because of my past mistakes or even recent mistakes in dealing with my children and because of my background, my family background that is, my wife refuses to allow me to make corrections to my sons behavior. she’s telling me in a very rude way that when he’s talking to her to stay out of it. i’m his father and can clearly see he will suffer without my intervention. i believe this is not beneficial for my son and it causes us to get into a very bad argument. i have an 18 year old daughter and 14 year old son. my fiance and i have been together for 9 years and have gone through a conversation about cell phone use and my kids. he has never had children, but has done an amazing job and helping me raise mine. my daughter has since moved out as well as my son. but, they still come to visit. we have had a long time rule of cell phones go into a drawer when the are at home, with the exception of my now 18 year old, who doesn’t have to do that. we came to an agreement may years ago that if the kids wanted their phone, they would have to ask. we live in a very small town and i prefer that he has his phone when he goes to town with friends or anywhere else for that matter. my fiance does not agree and everytime he takes his phone, my fiance does not agree that he should have it and i thought that i made it clear that i want him to have it when he goes. my fiance then says weve discussed this time and time again and that is not what i agreed to and that i keep changing the rules. i have changed a lot of my thinking and how i raise my kids, to make him happy by agreeing with his rules. then we argue, he says he’s done and then i apologize and try to re trace and re do, by changing the rules with my son, which confuses him and my fiance stays upset. help! what am i doing wrong? my husband and i are on the brink of divorce of this . it is tearing our extremely blended family apart and i am feeling like my marriage is a one way street. my husband can parent my child (who is not biologically his but whom my child refers to as dad) but i can’t parent his kids ( who are not biologically mine ) in our home. this one way street seems so unfair. i’m told to be fully in his kids life and when i am i’m restricted . it seems like i only can be the parent and be involved in good times only . however if i back away i “don’t love them” 🙁 feeing hopeless… i liked this article and it makes sense to me. our parenting was easy until now in the teenage years. i am the father and the stricter of the two. i believe in really analyzing situations before making a decision. i do my best to make decisions that are always in the best interest of helping the children succeed. it could be a decision to help build charachter for there future challenges or to help there chances of a positive outcome in a current challenging moment. i am not perfect by any means and always ask myself can i be wrong? i respect my childrens feelings and try to be understanding to how they view the world as teenagers as i was once a rebellious teen. so when i make a decision i take everything into account but in the end i feel a teenager does not have the experience to always make the right decision and you have to put your foot down when it envolves teaching good character or could be harmful to them. it was easy when they were little because they did not rebel. they just trusted you and you had fun. you would dress them and a way we went. now an argument can start if you just say put on a jacket it’s cold outside. so imagine what can happen if there are tougher decisions to be made. i partly blame myself for the lack of respect given to me as a father. i work nights and when not at work i am working at home constantly fixing things to help the family. i am the mechanic, plumber, electrician, carpenter and landscaper to the house to save money. i also coached my kids sports teams in the past. i have always been busy and not around at night. this i think is why i dont have the respect from my kids. my wife has always been the caregiver, the one that makes the dentist appointments, goes clothes shopping, cooks and basically is the more loving and nurturer. in short, she would be with them school shopping while i am at home fixing the broken water heater. i wish i was rich and could of just hired people to do the work and joined them but that was not reality. so now as they are older they are used to me being out of the picture. i take them to school and pick them up and then off to work. wife comes home and gets more quality time. that is our life in a nutshell. in short i feel like i really have no say as a father. when tough decisions are to be made its best to not include dad because he will not see it our way. me and my wife usually agree but when it comes to tough decisions i may not agree on, it feels i get pushed aside and things are hidden from me so i dont get upset. one of my kids decided they were going to quit there high school sports team. they made varsity as a freshman and playing time was very limited. they play travel ball and have always started and been a vital part of the team. there travel team would beat the high school team very easily. in short they now are sitting the bench more than they play. i understand the frustration, the embarrassment, and quite honestly i feel the coach is wrong but its not our decision and dont know all the details. i worry my child is now losing interest, losing confidence, that they are embarresed all the things an athlete would feel. today i get a text that my child has decided to quit from my wife. no discussion, nothing. keep in mind our child has a very good chance of getting an athletic scholarship. the coach has some leverage because they also coach travel were most scholarshios come from. my issue is not that they are quitting but that a discussion was not had. did they talk to the coach on their concerns? were all the options looked at before going so drastic. also this is a teaching moment. you made a comittment for the season. you may be in a bad situation were you have to prove yourself again. give it all you got and see how it goes. dont just quit. if after trying all avenues and finishing your comittment you still feel the same. then i feel you can make that decision. now, if this is harmful to you in some way maybe you quit right away but at least have the maturity to discuss this with the coach. in the end it’s just sports and family is more important but it is a challenge that helps mold you. it could be a job were you have a boss that is a jerk but your family is relying on you. do you have the courage to talk to your boss knowing it could get worse? do you just quit and hope you find a new job? do you have the strength to stick it out until you find something better? its a teaching moment in my opinion. i feel society today always make kids to be victims. yes there are kids in bad situations but today it feels like you cant get upset and show emotions as a parent because the child may have there feelings hurt. education helps with tolerance but eventually a child has to know that a parent has the final word or there is no foundation in the home. in the end i feel i have no say. i am tired of fighting and feel like just giving up. wife allows our teenager to make tough decisions that can affect us all. do not think its right to not include me and tired of making this point over and over. i feel i am not important in this family. that i am just here to fix things and bring home a pay check. i feel this can even hurt our marriage. john while this advise may seem, at first glance, rather absolute, it is the path i wish my lenient spouse would take. after years of being the “parent on point” with our high school senior in terms of raising him (e.g., from planning play dates as a young child, to helping him with the college app process and everything in between, including structure and discipline), i have finally decided to remove myself from the discipline part of parenting and let my spouse lead. and i have done this for one key reason: i’m tired of the fighting with my spouse. i feel completely defeated as a parent. my reasoning is that after years of arguing about parenting, endless therapy and couples counseling reassuring her that i’m not too strict, i have come to realize my spouse will not compromise nor change. the source of our fights are due to her publicly intervening whenever i’m in a discipline oriented conversation with our son. despite countless articles on parenting, therapy sessions, etc. specially saying such disagreements need to be done in private, she will not back down and will often dress me down in front of him. i do my best to bite my tongue, when she has done this. but too often i have failed after being berated and i push back. this dynamic has resulted in our son “gaming” the disagreement to his advantage to avoid responsibilities, consequences, etc. further, it has also resulted in our son occasionally parroting my spouse’s public criticisms of me. what truly concerns me is not so much the damage it causes my marriage (though that is really hard and heart wrenching), it is knowing what this is doing to our son and his development as an adult. my view is that i would rather he learn lessons and consequences from us, where he is loved unconditionally and is safe regardless what he does   rather than from the world who will often be a cold, brutal teacher. so, i ultimately gave in and walked away from the discipline and have left it up to her simply in the name of peace. the structure we have now have is such that i will advise her of things i am aware of with him and she will advise me of what she sees as well. but, she makes the parenting decision completely on her own and advising me of her decision. i do not have a “say” in that nor do i communicate any consequences to our son. this is not something she asked for. it’s something i offered voluntarily. the results have been surprising and unsurprising. predicable, my son has taken full advantage of living in a lenient world. while a good egg, strong student, who we know loves us, it is very clear he has done things that are very hard to watch. in a nutshell, he does not try to be his best self. his grades have noticeably started to fall (something he once took immense pride in). he’s gotten more into drinking and has experimented with marijuana and vapping. he has been rather caviler in his sexual pursuits which has cost him losing the respect of the parents of other friends. i’m not trying to paint a picture that he is a train wreck. he isn’t. but the change has been quick and dramatic. most concerning, any time he has received negative feedback from others (e.g., teachers, other parents, etc.) he quickly defects responsibility and states he’s the victim or that the other person is a (insert expletive). what has been surprising is that while i thought this would result in my spouse being less critical of me, that has not happened. ironically, i feel more under her microscope than before. while now that she isn’t able to critique my discipline of our son, it now has been refocused on conversations he and i have. my son and i could be debating something as benign as the “designated hitter” in baseball, and she will intervene if she believes the debate isn’t too her liking. and in every case, i’m in the wrong. yes, i am well aware there are some issues with my spouse. they are not extreme nor extraordinary. i have my issues, too. we all have some degree of damage from our past. i have found that parents that are “too much” of anything typically bring their own issues to the table and project it onto their child and/or marriage. our therapist has discuss her projections with us very candidly. that all said, the larger point is this: letting the lenient spouse have their way and the more strict one be neutered, does not make things better for the child in the long run. rather, it is out sourcing parenting   often to someone who does not care about your child. as a parent, one of our jobs is to prepare our children to be self sufficient adults in the world. and i can already easily see that if anything, it is creating an environment of arrested development. and it has not help the marriage much. in a nut shell, we can teach our children or someone else can. but one way or another, they will learn a lesson. just one person’s experience of doing the exact opposite of the advise above. i am in the same position with you. i disagree many things that my wife. she gave a credit card to my daughter. my daughter didn’t tell me what she bought, even sometime she didn’t tell my wife. my daughter is very ‘nice’, she bought gifts to her friends, cousins, etc. a ridiculous thing was that she bought a game player which cost several hundreds to her cousin. but her cousin’s mother was not happy and throw it back to my daughter and told my wife it’s so stupid , her daughter doesn’t need that, she needs to study. my wife always buy luxury things for my daughter, like channel bags, lv bags, when my daughter was very young. now my daughter is already 23 years old, she will graduate this summer. but she doesn’t even want to find a job. now we are all stay at home, she play switch games all day, all night. there are many things they don’t need me to discuss, they just decide by themself. because i disagree these , maybe my daughter thinks i don’t want to spend money for her. sometime i didn’t get respect. i don’t want to say more about that. i am so sad. i just bring paychecks home, i am tired. you said, “i ultimately gave in and walked away from the discipline and have left it up to her simply in the name of peace. ” me too. i have a problem when i tell my children to do something or give them permission to do something. these can be the smallest things. my husband will then see our kids doing these things are attempting to do them and stop them and start to reprimand them for doing so. when i tell him that i am the one that told them to do it or gave permission to do he tells me i’m undermining him. we then have a discussion where i tell him it was my fault because i let them or told them to and he says that they will never listen to him because i defend them. i told him if it something that i didn’t specifically tell them to do then i have his back i just don’t want them getting in trouble for what i asked them to do. when he talks to them they try to interject to say why they were doing it and he shuts it down and doesn’t let then explain. it drives me nuts. he then will tell them later to do whatever truly want be side what he says doesn’t matter or to go ask me. i suppose i am the lenient parent and my husband is the strict one. he also is less frequently around, and when he is home, he does not want to get involved in the day to day, discuss anything, get to know our daughter, or communicate in general, except to make announcements/edicts that he expects everyone to follow, blindly. lately he refuses to discuss anything directly/alone with our daughter (now age 13) or with the 3 of us together. instead he gets mad at me and tells me to make her do or not do something that he wants. or he gets mad at me about something she is doing away from home and he blames me and expects me to stop or control her remotely (?!?). i feel stuck in the middle of them and that he wants me to be his puppet. i also know that (1) the minute i become the strict/enforcer parent he will suddenly be the soft one and cave in to our daughter’s request, as he has done before, where he flips roles and makes fun of me in the process, and (2) even if we all do what he specifically demands, he still will be mad about something else. it will never be enough so why bother to cooperate at all. which just leads to a downward spiral of perhaps subconsciously “defying” him to push him away/out. i am not sure at this point how or if to try to save the relationship. i suggested counseling previously and he refused. what can a parent do if the other is not willing to compromise or communicate. and, even if we both become “strict” per this blog, how do we make the child conform. hi, i would really like your advice. my husband and i are separated and have started the divorce process, by which we have made property separation agreement with minor child. although at the time, the agreement we made for our only child sounded and looked fair in paper, but proved to be not enough details on it. i am realizing that it is more frustrating and harder co parenting when there’s separate households than when we were all under one roof. and trying to agree whats best for our child when its not on the written agreement is so stressful. communicating to each other to be on the same parenting page did not come any easier when the other person ignores you. i have relaxed my rules under my household since it is questioned and fought againts by my 11 yr old daughter whenever she returns from her dad’s household, which doesnt have the same stricter expectations as mine. for example: her dad lets her watch age inappropriate shows (r rated, sarcastic dark humored show, thriller), allows late bedtime hours, little to no social activities at his place, no schoolwork habits, etc. she prefers to live with him, she said she hates me and when angry she says about killing herself and me, then she calms and quiet down after i called convincing her dad to talk to her on the phone at least. please help, what should i do, and how to raise my 11 yr old daughter to be confident, brave, smart, positive, and inspired when her father doesnt have the same values and expectations as mine? my husband would rather move out than put his 4 year old son to bed at a decent time. we dont have the son all the time but i work weekdays i have to be up at 6:45 am and my husband does not care. i want up every hour because we live in a one bedroom apartment. i dont understand why my husband doesn’t respect me enough to put his child down at a decent hour so i can sleep for work. i think there is some great advise, but what if the strict parent tends to be very negative and calls the kids idiots, retarded, and if the child talks back the parent yells for them to shut up. i don’t think this is strict it seems to cause the children to become more aggressive and not want to do any work, it seems inefficient and will cause children to shut down and not want to do anything. what is your advise in this situation. i am so distressed at this current situation, that of being the bad cop, her the soft touch, i really feel like walking away but can’t afford to. one day though, one day. i am in the same situation. my partner was asked by board members to move out now im gonna be stuck with all the bills by myself while he s gonna have his own bills at his new place when he finds one my bf and i have a 23 month old and a 3 month old. unfortunately it looks like our relationship is coming to an end. we just cannot agree on parenting. this has caused so many issues, so much yelling and screaming, neighbors calling the cops etc. not good. he can’t control himself and gets extremely loud to the point the cops showed up so many times that the board members of where we live have asked him to move out. very shitty situation, def not good for the children. deborah  what counts as abusive? is screaming at the kids abuse? grabbing the kids roughly? picking a kid up and holding them against a wall? kicking and throwing objects across a room in anger? throwing out kids’ belongings as punishment? name calling? my husband does these things, which i think are unacceptable, but says we just have different parenting styles. hello, so i read the article and most of the comments, but i nowhere found the solution regarding my situation. so the thing is we have a 1.5 years old daughter , and i will admit that i have my own flaws then to point out my wife’s, so the issue which generally makes me more hyper at the time when our daughter does something is the reaction of my wife . normally, she is the one who keeps on scolding our daughter over small things that don’t even matter ,like her asking for cell phone , or staying awake late at night ,bcz she doesn’t feel sleepy, and i never try to come in between ,when she scolds her during such times because i know she has to get up early in the morning for work but i do tell her whispering not to talk to our daughter with such angry voice and gaze. but whenever i scold over daughter , on the other hand , i only scold her when she starts being stubborn and won’t listen to us to sit down or stop being fussy, like in restaurant , where we are dinning out with my family side or hers, and the moment i tell my daughter in angry tone to calm down or to just listen to me , my wife all goes out on me , making me sound like i have just done the worst, she will go on like , how could i speak to our daughter like this, that our daughter isn’t accustomed to get scolded in such angry voice ,that even hearing such tone, she gets scared, at that moment i look at her face and think i just told her to not misbehave in firm tone , when i have seen you going all angry gaze and angry tone ,like i will see you ,let daddy go once to work, and you say our daughter has gotten scared from my firm tone. i always feel like she does it deliberately infront of our family, to show that i am some kind of evil. any idea what i should do? for instance once our daughter was hell bent on drinking pepsi, and i am strictly against giving children such beverages, and my wife gave her soda for the frst time without even bothering that it’s bad for children and now when our daughter sees one and ask for it ,my wife firstly won’t give her, and when i try to give one sip to her , she will say that her throat will get infected ,when she is the one who got her daughter her frst soda . what about when the strict parent is a step parent, who also maintains that they *should not* be the parenting leader? lapsus   there so many ways to handle this as each blended situation is different. this was the situation with me as my 2nd hubby was the more strict step parent and i was the more lenient bio parent. i *chose* to support his needs and ideas privately so we could have a united front. i also protected him as the step parent by implementing (his) more strict ideas to keep him from having to be the bad guy or facing “you’re not my dad and i don’t have to listen to you” types of possibilities. hi my son is 16+ and he is in 11 class, he always wants to play with his mobile and dont want to go to school. every time day or night he is playing daily this is his routine. no out going no school, no tuition and friends, only mobile and ps4 and pc for gaming. now a days he is very hyperactive, very rough behaviour with me. no respect no talk and no asking anything only order me that he need this and that, if i refuse then he hits me and shouting very badly. so can you tell me what to do, or is there any offfice where can i go with him for his betterment. about me my husband relation is not so good only he wants always dominant on me and i always secrifice all the things according to him, but he never supports me, he is very conservative man he is softwarre engineer but not like that he never understand the situation and never supports me about my son. now situation is that my son is not going to school and no tuition only 1 or 2 days with in a month. wheneve i asked him he says tomorrow i will go but no next days he didnt. so help me what to do? my son is in very bad situation he is runing his life whole night and day mobile game or nothing, no physical activity no social life, no outing. please guide on which course should i choose for him because he opt commerce with ip/math, he is not studying at all. please help your email address will not be published. required fields are marked * comment * name * email * website δ

please upgrade to microsoft edge, google chrome, or firefox. lo sentimos, la página que usted busca no se ha podido encontrar. puede intentar su búsqueda de nuevo o visitar la lista de temas populares. enter email to download and get news and resources in your inbox. when children struggle with their behavior, it can have a negative impact on everyone in the family. parents know they need to respond, but they often aren’t sure what’s the best strategy, especially if a child is frequently acting out and nothing seems to work. this guide offers parents a comprehensive look at problem behavior. it covers a variety of topics, including what may be triggering problem behavior, how to improve the parent child relationship when it becomes strained, what to do if kids are struggling with behavior in school, and how to get professional help if you need it. when children have frequent emotional outbursts, it can be a sign that they haven’t yet developed the skills they need to cope with feelings like frustration, anxiety, and anger. handling big emotions in a healthy, mature way requires a variety of skills, including: other children may seem to struggle more with boundaries and following rules. they may be defiant, or ignore instructions or try to talk their way out of things that aren’t optional. you may notice patterns of behavior that seem to crop up at certain times of the day (like bedtime) during certain tasks (like during homework) or with certain people. you also might notice that your child acts out particularly when they are at home but not when they are at school, or vice versa. tantrums and other kinds of acting out are often a normal and even healthy part of childhood. they are a sign that a child is becoming more independent   indications that a child is testing boundaries, developing skills and opinions, and exploring the world around them. but when a child is acting out a lot, it can strain the parent child relationship, creating regular frustration and resentment that isn’t healthy in the family. whether your child is in the early stages of learning about self regulation and boundaries, or if your family has been struggling and you are looking for help, this guide is designed to explain more about how kids learn to manage their behavior, what parents can do to aid in the process, and how to get more support if you need it. sometimes parents feel that tantrums and other instances of problem behavior are intentional or manipulative. however, clinicians who specialize in children’s behavior agree that tantrums are generally not a voluntary behavior on a child’s part   but they may be what is known as a “learned behavior.” that means that kids learn that having a tantrum gets them the result that they want. in other words, while a child who struggles to control their emotions might not be consciously calculating their tantrums, they might resort to them because they haven’t learned a better way to solve problems or communicate their needs. well meaning parents often respond to tantrums by trying to fix whatever caused the problem   by comforting the child or giving them whatever they are asking for. unfortunately, this reinforces the tantrum behavior, making kids more likely to continue having tantrums and less likely to develop more sophisticated ways to manage their feelings. when kids are acting out parents often feel powerless. you may have tried different techniques for discipline but without much success. in fact, trying too many different strategies for managing disruptive behavior can sometimes be part of the problem, since kids respond better to firm boundaries that are consistently reinforced. but if you haven’t seen progress before now, don’t feel discouraged, because parents have more power than they may realize when kids are being oppositional. by using strategies that are informed by child psychologists who specialize in behavior management, you can begin to improve kids’ behavior and even improve the parent child relationship. this section begins with some general rules of thumb recommended by behavior experts as effective strategies for responding to problem behavior in the moment. next, it examines problem behavior in greater depth, which can be helpful for parents who want to understand more about why kids act out, and how to tackle specific behaviors you would like to change. when you are trying to manage disruptive behavior, it is helpful to identify specific behaviors that you are trying to change (or encourage). it’s true that when families are feeling overwhelmed, sometimes it can seem like every interaction is a struggle. however, identifying specific behaviors is an important first step to effective discipline. taking behaviors one at a time allows you to be more focused, gain a better understanding of why the behavior is happening, and have a greater sense of control. of course, there may be multiple behaviors that you would like to change, but evaluating them one by one is important. target behaviors should be: an example of a poorly defined behavior is “acting out” or “being good.” a well defined behavior would be running around the room (bad) or starting homework on time (good). when you are thinking about a particular behavior that you are targeting, it is important to think about what generally happens before that behavior and may be triggering it. this helps parents understand not only why a child might be acting out but also how anticipating certain triggers might help prevent those behaviors from happening. parents can also examine the triggers that make positive behaviors (like obeying a command the first time) more likely. these things often lead to misbehavior. these are things that can bolster good behavior. considering what happens after a targeted behavior is important because consequences can affect the likelihood of a behavior recurring. that is true for consequences that are positive (like getting an extra 10 minutes of screen time) or negative (like getting a time out). some consequences are more effective than others. ideally consequences create structure and help kids understand the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. however, consequences can also do more harm than good when they are sending the wrong message. understanding how to use smart and consistent consequences makes all the difference. these types of consequences are common, but they generally don’t have the desired effect. consequences that are more effective begin with generous attention to the behaviors you want to encourage. set a specific behavior that you want to target stop jumping on the couch. examine triggers your daughter often starts jumping on the couch when you go to change the baby’s diaper or give him a bath. possible solution: come up with ways your daughter can “help” you do these tasks. her assistance may slow you down slightly, but it gives her something positive to do   and it makes her feel like she’s still getting your attention. when she helps out, praise her for being such a good big sister. examine consequences ineffective consequence: yelling, “i’ve told you this a million times, katie, you can’t jump on the couch! why do you keep doing it?!” effective consequence: send to time out immediately. one common problem behavior trigger for many children is transitions. whether it’s getting ready for bed, or coming to dinner, or putting down the video game controller, in many families transitions can become a flashpoint that everyone learns to dread. if transitions are a problem for your child, it is important to figure out what about the transition is difficult. often kids don’t like stopping an activity that they are enjoying (like playing on the computer) in order to do something less fun, like getting ready to leave the house. while no one enjoys stopping fun things, some kids struggle with it more than others. that can be a sign that they are still developing emotional self regulation skills, but it is just one possible cause. other children struggle to cope with unanticipated changes in schedule, or moving on from something that they feel like they haven’t finished. struggling with transitions can even be a sign of a mental health disorder in some children. children with adhd, autism, anxiety, and ocd are all more likely to struggle with transitions. once you’ve narrowed down what you think might be behind your child’s resistance to transitions, then you can start brainstorming what you think might help. (note: if you think your child might have an undiagnosed mental health disorder, taking your concerns to a clinician is important.) here are some techniques that you might want to try: preview and countdown: every morning, lay out what the day will look like. before each transition, give a time frame and description of what will happen along with countdowns (in 20 minutes, then 10, then 5 it will be time to finish breakfast and head to school). this helps kids prepare emotionally. get their attention: for kids who struggle to regulate their attention, make a particular effort to capture theirs. make eye contact, sit next to them, put your hand on their shoulder, or ask them to repeat back what you have said. it makes them more likely to follow through. use music: songs can help kids (particularly young kids) ease into transitions. the “clean up” song is a popular example of this, but there are many songs that can be found or made up to suit a variety of situations, from tying shoes to brushing teeth. visual cues: posting a chart with pictures illustrating what to expect from a particular transition or the steps involved is a good visual reminder for children to fall back on. create routines: if there are transitions that your child struggles with every day, like going to bed, build some consistency and structure into that transition. for example, when it’s close to bedtime, your child can pick one last thing they want to do. then, you both go upstairs to brush teeth and read a story, then it’s lights out. doing this routine consistently helps kids know what to expect and makes the transition easier. use rewards: rewards can be an effective tool to use for difficult transitions until children have gotten used to them. parents can use stickers, snacks, or a point system that leads to tangible rewards. appropriate consequences: if a transition isn’t going well, think about what consequences you are (or aren’t) giving. yelling isn’t an effective consequence, but active ignoring or a time out might be. use praise: when a child does follow through with a transition, make sure you give them some enthusiastic labeled praise to recognize their behavior. for example: “i really liked how you handed over the ipad right away and started brushing your teeth. now we have more time to read!” critics of time outs argue that they can be emotionally isolating for kids, but research shows that they are effective and do not cause children harm. (for more on the debate around time outs, read our full article on the topic.) however, it’s very important to use them as just one technique in a nurturing, supportive parenting strategy. be sure to balance use of time outs with lots of praise for kids’ positive behaviors. it’s also important to manage your own stress so that kids can learn emotional regulation from your positive example. the point of a time out isn’t to shame or punish your child, but to diffuse an emotional situation and help your child learn to manage frustration and regulate his own behavior. using a time out is also a clear way to communicate that a particular behavior is unacceptable. many parents have tried time outs before with varying degrees of success. to be most effective, time outs need to be done consistently and follow certain steps. here are some guidelines to follow if you are learning how to use time outs or want to troubleshoot your technique. use advance warning: kids need to understand which behaviors are linked to which consequences. work with your child to establish which behaviors (like hitting or not complying with an instruction from you) lead to a time out so they know what to expect. establish a pre determined place: designating a special chair, or a place on the stairs, also helps a child know what to expect. it’s a good idea to label the time out chair just that, and not “the naughty chair” or something similar. time outs work better when they are focused on teaching children how to behave, not on punishing them. use a quick response: when a kid misbehaves in one of the ways you have discussed, make sure the following time out is immediate, and that you state the reason: “no hitting. go to time out.” be specific, brief, and unemotional. this helps ensure that the child is able to link their action with its consequence. delayed consequences are ineffective because kids tend to feel you are just being punitive. keep it brief: a standard formula for time outs is one minute per year of age. some experts recommend a timer so a child can see that the time is being measured. keep it calm: the goal in a time out is for kids to sit quietly. some experts recommend not starting the allotted time until your child is quiet. others feel this is too hard for young children. they require that the child be completely quiet for 5 seconds before ending the time out. this way kids learn to associate good behaviors with the end of the time out, and it sends the message that yelling and screaming during a time out won’t work. pay no attention: kids in time out should be ignored   no talking to them or about them, even if they’re whining, crying, or protesting. by withdrawing your attention during the time out, you’re sending the message that misbehaving is not the way to get what they want. consistency is key: it’s tempting to put kids in time out whenever they’re acting inappropriately or pushing your buttons, but using time outs randomly makes it more difficult for kids to make the connection between specific misbehaviors and their consequences. also, it is important that the time out occurs each and every time the specific target behavior occurs. if not, you are encouraging the child to think that they might be able to get away with it. no rewarding stimuli: in the time out chair the child should have no access to television, electronic devices, toys, or games. if you’re away from home, pick any spot that removes the child from distracting stimulation. if a child won’t stay in time out: if a child breaks the rules by leaving the time out chair too soon, put them in a backup time out area that they cannot escape from (like a bedroom where there aren’t any rewarding stimuli such as television, toys, or games). briefly explain that they must stay there for one minute and be calm and quiet before they are allowed to leave. once they do that, they should be returned to the time out chair, and the time they must stay there is restarted. if they leave the chair again, the cycle repeats. your child should learn quickly that it’s in their best interest to stay in the chair until the time is up. when kids are given time outs for not complying with your instructions, once a time out is finished, they should be asked to complete whatever task they were asked to do before the time out. this helps them understand that time outs aren’t escape routes. once the time out is over, you want to resume giving them attention, tuning in to whatever they are doing/working on/playing so that you can “catch them being good” and specifically praise them for a positive behavior. for example, if your child completes their time out and then they plays gently with the dog, you’d want to let them know what they were doing right (“i love how nicely you’re playing with the dog! you are using such nice gentle hands!”) this is reassuring your child that although they had to go to time out, they also are completely capable of doing good and positive things that make you proud and loving toward them. children will be more likely to understand and comply with your instructions if you follow these guidelines: one of the most unpleasant side effects of behavioral problems is the toll they take on the family dynamic. when a child has chronic behavior issues, parents often aren’t enjoying the time they spend with their child. this can be both frustrating and guilt inducing. children are also negatively affected when they receive frequent criticism or pick up on their parent’s irritation, which can lead to resentment and may damage their self esteem. improving the parent child relationship should be a priority for all families dealing with chronic problem behavior. to that end, try to increase the number of interactions you have with your child that are positive and don’t promote conflict. for example: even a small amount of time set aside reliably every day can become something children and parents learn to look forward to. this should be a time for positive connection, without rules or commands, to help everyone in the family defuse stress and appreciate each other’s company. this should be considered special time and should not be contingent on a child’s good behavior. here are some tips for success: some children act out because they have a hard time regulating their own emotions. this is a common problem for young children who haven’t yet developed the ability to cope with big emotions in a constructive way. some children continue to struggle with self regulation as they get older. parents and teachers may notice that they seem particularly sensitive and have outsized emotional reactions compared to their siblings or peers. the good news is that self regulation is a skill that can be taught like any other, and parents can play a big role in helping kids learn how to handle their emotions, even very big emotions. here are some techniques for helping kids calm down instead of act out. taking the time to notice and label emotions helps kids begin to pay attention to how they are feeling. this is important because paying attention to our emotions is the first step to learning how to manage them. sometimes just articulating an emotion helps to defuse it. too often we try to pretend we aren’t feeling negative emotions until it’s too late and we are feeling terrible. acknowledging a negative feeling can make it seem less powerful and helps you begin to think constructively about what to do with that feeling. parents can help teach children to do this by modeling it in their own behavior. for example, if you are upset because you forgot something at the grocery store, share that feeling: “i’m so frustrated right now! i forgot to get milk!” then, after you’ve acknowledged how you feel, you can model coping and problem solving skills. you might say, “i’m going to take some deep breaths to calm down   that often helps me.” then once you’re feeling better, you can say, “now how can i solve this problem?” and brainstorm ideas. children will begin to pick up on the skills that you are modeling for them, but they might also need some extra support as they begin to learn how to deal with their emotions. if you notice your child is beginning to look upset, ask them to describe how they are feeling. can they label it? just make sure if your child tells you that they are feeling sad, or anxious, or angry, you don’t immediately try to talk her out of it. sometimes hearing “oh, it isn’t that bad!” can make kids feel like their emotions are wrong and inadvertently teach them that they shouldn’t share how they are feeling. instead, you can validate the emotion (“yes, that does sound frustrating” or “you do look disappointed”) and then encourage healthy ways of dealing with that feeling. another important part of a child learning to consciously label their emotions is that it encourages them to start paying attention to how they feel, which means that they might notice an emotion earlier, before it starts to feel overwhelming. parents can sometimes be blindsided by the strong emotions children show during tantrums. but kids don’t go from calm to sobbing on the floor in an instant   even if it seems like that. emotions build over time, like a wave. kids can learn to manage those emotions that seem overwhelming by noticing and labeling them earlier, before that wave gets too big. many kids benefit from ranking how strong their emotions are on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being calm and 10 being furious. you can model doing this, too. when you are feeling frustrated because you forgot to get milk at the grocery store, you might announce that you’re at a 4. it might feel silly to do this at first, but it teaches kids to pause and notice how they are feeling. for kids who appreciate visual aids, something like a “feelings thermometer” might help. most children have occasional tantrums or meltdowns. acting out when it’s time to go to bed or stop playing a game is par for the course. but when kids are having tantrums often, or it seems like they can’t control their temper a lot of the time, you may be seeing something more extreme than typical problem behavior. here are some signs to look out for: if you are worried about your child’s behavior and are having a hard time managing it on your own, making an appointment with a clinician who has expertise in children’s mental health can be very helpful. a clinician can perform a comprehensive evaluation to determine whether your child may have an undiagnosed mental health disorder that is contributing to their behavior issues or recommend specific strategies or treatments that might be helpful. for more information about how to find a clinician who can help, read the child mind institute’s parents guide to getting good care. below is a list of some mental health disorders and other challenges that may be associated with disruptive behavior. children with adhd find it unusually difficult to concentrate on tasks, pay attention, sit still, and control impulsive behavior. while disruptive behavior is not a symptom of adhd itself, it is often the result of adhd symptoms. inattention and impulsivity can make it very difficult for kids to tolerate tasks that are repetitive, boring, or take a lot of effort. because of this, children with adhd are frequently overwhelmed with frustration, and throwing a shoe or pushing someone or yelling “shut up!” can be the result of their impulsivity. some kids with adhd can also develop negative behavior patterns, which are a response to years of finding themselves in conflict with adults. children with odd have a well established pattern of behavior problems, with symptoms including arguing with authority figures, refusing to follow rules, blaming others for their mistakes, being unusually angry and irritable, and more. all children can have these symptoms from time to time. what distinguishes odd from normal oppositional behavior is how severe it is, and how long it has been going on for. children with dmdd experience frequent, severe temper outbursts that seem grossly out of proportion to the situation at hand. in between tantrums they are chronically irritable. their disruptive behavior is a result of their very big emotions and poor self regulation skills. children with dmdd often feel very apologetic after a tantrum is over. children who seem angry and defiant may be severely anxious. when children are having a hard time coping with situations that cause them distress, they may lash out. this may happen when the demands at home or school put a pressure on them that they can’t handle. in an anxiety inducing situation, your child’s “fight or flight” instinct may take hold   they may have a tantrum or refuse to do something to avoid the source of acute fear. children who have been traumatized frequently mask their pain with behavior that is aggressive. as a result of their trauma they may be struggling with poor emotional self regulation, negative thinking, and be overly alert to dangers   and more likely to jump into their “fight or flight” response in an effort to protect themselves. children who act out repeatedly in school or during homework time may have an undiagnosed learning disorder. they may be feeling frustrated and ashamed because they are struggling to do things that look easy for other kids, and they don’t know why. rather than ask for help, they may rip up assignments or act out to create a diversion from their real issues. some children have trouble processing the sensory information they are getting from the world around them. children who are under  or over sensitive to stimulation can often feel uncomfortable, anxious, distracted and overwhelmed, which can frequently lead to disruptive behavior. children on the autism spectrum tend to be rigid   needing consistent routine to feel safe   and unexpected changes can lead to them having a tantrum. autistic children can also struggle with sensory issues that leave them feeling overwhelmed. some autistic children may also lack the language and communication skills to express what they want or need. parent training programs are designed to bolster the skills parents may need for managing a child’s problem behavior and improve the parent child relationship. these programs are led by psychologists and social workers and are evidence based, which means they have been thoroughly tested and found to be effective for many families. below is a list of different kinds of parent training, including what makes them different and which families they may work best for. parents and children both participate in pcit sessions, during which a clinician teaches them skills to interact in a positive, productive way. it is effective for kids between the ages of 2 and 7, and usually requires 14 to 17 weekly sessions. in pcit, parents receive live coaching (via a bug in the ear) from a therapist who watches from behind a one way mirror as they and their child perform a series of tasks, and parents practice specific responses to both desired and undesired behavior. in pmt, which is for children ages 3 to 13, parents are usually seen without the child present, although children may be asked to participate in some sessions. skills to deal more effectively with challenging behaviors are taught and modeled by the therapist and then role played with parents. after each session, parents are expected to practice the skills at home. families usually participate in at least 10 sessions. since pmt is appropriate for all ages, it’s a good choice when kids are too old for pcit. it can also be a good option for families where the parent child relationship is strong, but children might be struggling with things like anxiety, extreme impulsiveness, or explosive anger. defiant teens is for parents of teenagers who are 13 18 years old. the first half of this program involves only parents and focuses on teaching more effective tools for interacting with their teenager, specifically for handling noncompliance or defiant behavior. but since teenagers are more autonomous than younger children and less influenced by their parents’ guidance, the program also includes training for the adolescent to help them become a participant in changing the family dynamic. in the second half, parents and teenagers are both trained in problem solving communication. the aim is to provide family behavioral resources to help each family member develop more effective problem solving, negotiation, and communication skills, and to correct any unreasonable beliefs that might be impeding their interactions. triple p’s focus is on equipping parents with information and skills to increase confidence and self sufficiency in managing child behavior. it can be utilized with a wide age range of children from toddlerhood through adolescence. with triple p, families can participate in different levels of intervention according to their needs. in some sessions clinicians will meet one on one with parents to discuss skills and strategies, and in some sessions kids with be included and the therapist will be provide live coaching. the incredible years offers small group based training for parents of kids from infants through age 12. the programs are broken into four age groups (baby, toddler, preschool and school age), and they range in length from 12 to 20 weeks. the program starts with a focus on improving parent child relationships and positive attachment before moving on to consistent routines, rules, and limit setting. finally it covers child management strategies such as ignoring, redirection, logical and natural consequences, time to calm down, and problem solving. for children from 4 to 8 years old, incredible years offers children’s groups that focus on helping them acquire emotion regulation strategies and social skills. research shows that the kids’ group works well at improving pro social behavior and decreasing problem behaviors. parents find that they learn not only from therapists but from other fellow parents in the group. parent training and behavior therapy are considered a more effecting and longer lasting way to help children learn to manage their difficult emotions and rein in disruptive behavior. but medications are sometimes used as an adjunct to behavioral therapy. antipsychotic medications like abilify (aripiprazole) and risperdal (risperdone), which have been shown to reduce aggression and irritability, may be used in cases where a child is at risk of being removed from the school or home. stimulant medication may be used if a child has excessive impulsivity, including those who have an adhd diagnosis. antidepressants (ssris) may be helpful if a child has underlying depression or anxiety. it is important to talk with your doctor about any concerns you may have about your child’s treatment plan, progress, or any side effects that you may be seeing. a good clinician will be ready to discuss the symptoms you are seeing and explain potential options for changing dosage or medication. if you don’t feel that your child’s doctor is taking your concerns seriously, or your doctor is not following best practices for changing dosage, or adding new medications, you should get a second opinion. if you believe your child should stop taking a particular medication, make sure you tell your doctor, and discuss the pros and cons. don’t make adjustments or withdraw the medication without consultation. many medications should be reduced gradually, and children should be monitored for side effects of withdrawing too quickly. risperdal can have serious side effects, including substantial weight gain and metabolic, neurological, and hormonal changes that can be harmful. children taking risperdal or another atypical antipsychotic should be monitored by their doctors regularly over the course of treatment. before treatment begins, they should be tested to establish baselines for height, weight, vital signs, and levels of prolactin and blood fats and sugar. during the first few months of treatment, a child’s levels should be measured frequently. if the child is using the medication long term, they should continue to be monitored on a yearly basis. for kids who struggle with their behavior in the classroom, establishing some school specific behavior management strategies is important. the first step is often asking the school to provide a functional behavior assessment. the goal of an fba is to gather more information about when and why your child is acting out in class. this information is then used to come up with a plan for how to help. a school psychologist or behavioral specialist typically leads the fba, and may speak to you, your child’s teachers, and your child as part of the assessment, as well as do some in class observation. determining which specific things that your child struggles with is important. just like in behavior management at home, it helps to get as much information as possible about the real life situations that seem to lead to disruptive behavior, paying attention to what happens immediately before, during, and after the behavior. paying attention to when your child isn’t acting out can also be informative. once this information has been gathered and analyzed, the school psychologist or behavioral specialist can work on creating a behavior intervention plan (or bip) with ideas for preventing problem behaviors and rewarding positive behavior. this may include different teaching strategies, different consequences for misbehavior, or changes to typical routines. checking in periodically to monitor the effectiveness of these strategies (and make updates accordingly) is important. parents can also play a role in helping reinforce good behavior at school. you might tell your child’s teacher that you want to be a partner in helping improve your child’s behavior and select one or two goals at a time to work on, like turning in homework and not calling out in class, for example. then you can ask the teacher to give you periodic reports on your child’s progress. you don’t want to overwhelm the teacher, but if you get a progress report every few days or every week then you can help reinforce the school’s goals by either rewarding good school behavior at home or setting up appropriate consequences. for example, if you hear that your child is doing a good job turning in their assignments, you might give them some extra screen time that weekend in recognition of their efforts. if they’re doing a particularly good job then you might give them a bigger reward, like an outing to their favorite restaurant. conversely, if you get a report that they aren’t doing their homework, you might let them know that they won’t get any screen time for the first two days of the upcoming week because they need to prioritize homework. for more information about working with schools on behavior issues, see our recommended reading list in the next section. the everyday parenting toolkit, by alan kazdin the kazdin method for parenting a defiant child, by alan kazdin taking charge of adhd, by russell barkley behavioral interventions in schools: evidence based positive strategies, by angeleque akin little, steven g. little, melissa a. bray and thomas j. kehle managing adhd in school: the best evidence based methods for teachers, by russell barkley get articles, expert advice, and clinical updates direct to your inbox. 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related pages: kids talking about killing themselves ... little boys and guns ... advice about anger jan 2008 my 3.5 yr old started preschool last fall, and i have noticed increasing violent language from him. he has always been very sweet and obedient  to a degree that other parents comment on how well behaved he is. now he comes home from school, talking about superheroes and bad guys, and saying ''i will shoot you'' or ''i will cut you''. he calls me and others ''stupid'', says ''i hate you''. i'm very strict about his tv viewing habits, so i know he's not getting this from tv. i've talked to him endlessly about it. he always says that he hears these words from a certain boy in his class. i've talked to his teacher about it, and she says that it's probably not just the one child, but several children, mostly those who have older siblings, and she does her best to discourage it. i know they're just words, and other people have said that he doesn't even really know what he's saying. but... he recently got angry at another child and sliced her with a play doh knife, and said ''i cut her''  so he clearly knows what he's saying. his latest statement about his baby sister was ''i will poke her eyes with a knife''. i was absolutely shocked! i scold him every time he says these things, and i make him say 3 nice things for every mean thing he says, but i'm not sure what else to do... do i punish him? time outs? is this a typical boy thing? will he outgrow it? peace loving mama well, little kids do have a lot of natural aggression and it's a gradual process of learning in what ways they are allowed to express or not express it. i wonder if maybe you are over reacting a little by ''talking endlessly'' about it? when kids realize something gets a big reaction, they tend to keep pushing that button. maybe try a low key reaction like, ''hmm, we don't use words like that at home'' and then just moving on, so he doesn't get so much of your attention with this type of language/behavior. another tack you could take is the whole ''choices'' route, talking about what is okay to say or do if he's feeling mad or frustrated (hit a pillow, for instance, or say ''i don't like that'' or ''i'm mad!''). even peace loving mamas like us get angry sometimes. but we have learned appropriate ways to express it. rather than making your son say something nice when he expresses his anger, steer his words toward a more appropriate way to express himself. something like... ''sounds like you feel mad at your sister. do you need some time with mama? it is ok to feel mad and tell me so but i don't like to hear words about hurting someone ok?'' or if he is saying these things when he is not mad (liek he is curious about your reaction), you can ask if he would like to talk about why someone would say those words. ''sometimes people talk about hurting someone when they are mad. i wish they would learn a different way to talk about being mad.'' another approach, depending on the scenario is to play with what he is saying and take the power away from the words. there is a section of the book ''playful parenting'' where every time a boy shoots him with a pretend gun the author calls it the ''love gun'' and chases the boy around to give him hugs. mix it up and try different approaches depending on what works. just remember he is little and is curious about power and all kinds of feelings and how they work in the world. peaceful mama who sometimes wants to throw something. ; ) i'm constantly put aback by my sons' violent language and play, but have come to understand it as hormonal/normal. with violent language it has really worked wonders to state calmly an alternative. like my son says ''i'm going to cut your head off'' then i say ''do you mean that you're angry about xxx?'' he almost always says ''yeah'' in a sad tone then we can talk about that... i read about this strategy somewhere (parenting magazine maybe?) and they said to do this up until they're 5 or so. when they reach 5 or 6 you can start talking directly about the violent language and working on that (with consequences.) hope this helps! gentle momma of boys this is so totally normal you wouldn't believe it, and i think you are making waaaay too big a deal out of it. i found these things really disturbing coming out of my kid's mouth also, but by basically ignoring it or saying things like, ''wow, that sounds like it would really hurt!'' but not taking it past that to punishment or obvious and extreme disapproval, the shock effect seems to have worn off, and he has now, at age 4 1/2, found new and different ways to be annoying. anon you mention a baby in the house. i have seen the formerly lovely elder child of several of my friends become angry, aggressive, and even violent after the birth of the second child. what i have seen is that the older child gets a big chunk of their parental attention from the ''bad'' behavior, reinforcing it, and doesn't get ''private time'' with each parent every day anymore. my second is due this year, and i'm sure i'll face the same challenge. good luck this is a normal, developmentally appropriate preschooler thing, especially in boys, and yes, he will outgrow it. eventually. (my preschooler daughter now says this sort of thing more often than my first grader son.) there's no point in punishment as far as i can tell. and i would save the timeouts for when the kid has actually hurt someone, or is out of control and on the brink of doing so; in that case the goal is to separate the combatants and for everyone to take a breather and calm down. this is different than calm verbal experiments about violence (and power), which is what he's actually doing when he talks about killing or hurting people. it's hard to find the right balance between clearly disapproving of this sort of language and helping him express himself in more positive or peaceful ways (obviously a good thing to do), and just ignoring it so that he won't keep doing it simply to provoke your reaction and gain your attention! but that's what you need to do. anon yes it's a phase. yes, he will grow out of it, though it might be another year or so. and yes, this seems typical of boys in this age group. pick up these books: bad guys don't have birthdays: fantasy play at four, and your four year old: wild and wonderful. (3.5 is close enough.) believe me, i was mortified when my child started this behavior. thought there was a serious, deep, psychological problem on our hands. his preschool teacher, utterly unphased after decades of observing 3 and 4 year olds, pointed me in the direction of these books and after reading them, after observing every other child we know go through a similar phase and now starting to watch them move past it, i have to tell you that it's all going to be ok. you're sending the message that this kind of language/behavior isn't appropriate. and after that you mostly can ignore it. (because paying attention to it just makes it that much more interesting to them.) once they outgrow the interest in it and the need to express it, it won't be a problem. four is whacky well, there are those (like me) who would recommend that if you want to rear a non violent child, that it is important to find an alternative to reward/punishment forms of discipline, as these are violent in of themselves. a wonderful child rearing ''expert'' that my husband and i consulted said something that i thought was very wise ''focus on the feelings and the behavior will take care of itself.'' i think this would be particularly pertinent when your son talks about poking your daughter's eyes. you scold him, but do you talk with him about how he's feeling? kids feel resentment and aggression toward their siblings (particularly younger interlopers). this is perfectly normal. rather than scold your son and focus on his behavior, you might try focusing on his feelings, saying something like ''i know sometimes you may feel angry toward your little sister, and that's okay, but i feel really sad when you talk like that. it's never okay to hurt other people, even when we're angry at them. i know you love your little sister, too, and you wouldn't ever want to hurt her for real.'' it is really challenging to shift the focus. most parents (including me!) tend to focus over much on behavior, but when we stop and remember that these are little people who need our compassion, patience and understanding, i think we take a vital step toward rearing compassionate, tolerant, loving kids. this kind of thing won't change anything over night. some of this stuff really just requires a lot of patience and consistency. continually acknowledging and validating feelings, and repeating what behavior is acceptable as a response to what we feel (that includes modeling appropriate behavior, as well as requesting it, of course). your son is only 3.5, it will take time, but he'll be fine! anonymous i'm also struggling with violent language from my 4 year old and i found myself thinking today: if he wasn't in preschool would this be happening? and what are the other parents allowing? and what a difference it is to have peers who have older siblings who teach this stuff. it seems to be a direct result of being in a social environment and not the protected environment i may fantasize he would have at home   but i'll never know how my child would have turned out if raised in a social void because that is not an option. everything i've read says this is normal 4 yr old (boy) stuff and girls also have a version of it. i am very frank with him that i do not like the way he is speaking when it is directed at me or other adults, children, baby sister etc. i ask him to try again, restate his requests in polite/kind/gentle language. we've talked about respect, hurt feelings etc. the competition is fierce though because his peers think it is funny and they compete to outdo each other with version of potty talk or some of the more violent talk. some advice i've received is that he is learning how to be social and how to be funny so this is where parents can inject with constructive positive suggestions of what is funny and how to be effective socially. what is most difficult for me these days is i really don't like him when he behaves this way and i get angry that i feel this way about the child who used to be so sweet most of the time. so i work it from both fronts: understanding it as a developmental stage that i need to work with skillfully and disapproving of it as a place where he can linger with me   we just don't talk this way in our family. thanks for your question. i had a break down during bedtime tonight and had to leave to have a good cry. it's hard for me to keep my composure in the face of continued sass and violent language from my little baby. looking for peace too normally i would say that kids at that age explore different roles through fantasy play and talk, and this also involves them making sense of the ''bad guys'' by play  acting. my son did the same thing in preschool when he was three or four years old, and there was a slightly bigger, older ''tough kid'' in the class (who also happened to be the preschool director's child) who had a much bigger older brother. my son seemed to obsess over this kid's behavior and language because he was trying to make sense of it. eventually that phase passed and now that my son's in elementary school, it's not as though that kid's behavior or language has had any lasting effects on my son's behavior or values. that being said, though, if you don't feel that the preschool teachers are doing enough to curb this kind of language and actions in the classroom to the extent that this has become a class wide epidemic, i think it's time to switch preschools. anon just let him know what language is unacceptable in your house, and stick to it. leave it at that. my sweet kid did the same thing, but she understands now what is ok and not ok. give him language to express himself. (''we don't use such awful language. you can say that you're frustrated, or you're angry, but we don't use bad language here.'') i count those nasty things (which do usually come from the older siblings) as ''bad language.'' if he keeps doing it, a quick time out is appropriate. (extended if he keeps using the bad language...) making him say ''nice'' things won't help. he's angry or frustrated or feeling adventurous. doesn't truly know what he's saying. help him learn to be appropriate. i have a 3.5 yo boy in preschool and am also an early childhood educator. my kid and many others i know all engage in this type of talk. i recommend ''dead man's skin'' by jane katch for an interesting read on children and violence, and i also recommend not reacting so much to his violent talk. one strategy i often use to say something that makes it okay. when my son says he's shooting me, i ask him what he is shooting, bubbles? rainbows? flying fairies who want to tangle my hair? usually he enjoys the playfulness and the game changes out of the violence. we also have a few rules, ''no shooting in the house'' and that sort of thing. i try to respect his urges without making him feel wrong for having them. the violent talk is a way that they feel powerful and try to make sense of the world. they are developing the sense that they can hurt people and be hurt, and doing that through play is a safe way to learn. stephanie march 2007 do i have a psychopath? my son is almost three and a half and says scary things: ''i want to take a big knife and chop you into pieces and eat you,'' ''i want to take my car and smash that woman and make her dead.'' sometimes these are said in anger and malicious (when we say no about something, he wants to cut open our stomach), sometimes they seem to just be random. he doesn't want to hurt animals, only people, and i'm not always sure he wants to inflict pain and injury on them. he's never been exposed to any abuse; he's never seen tv. is this some kind of normal phase? any advice on how to respond? he seems interested in getting a response, so we try to keep it low key and talk about how that's not nice, that would hurt, etc. but he recently told his babysitter that he wants to cut her with a big knife and eat her. she was disturbed. he also told her he was going to slap her. i don't even know where he's heard this   at the park? not sure if i should be concerned, or how to respond, or when he'll really freak someone out. my son began his ''violent'' play and language at about age 3, and it totally freaked out my partner and me, because it was so incredibly intense. it was horrifying. it took us a long time to come to the conclusion that he [who feels everything intensely, including his own lack of power in the world] was letting us know in no uncertain terms exactly how truly powerful he was. his words and play were never going to really hurt us. in fact i think that in using that method to exert his power and control, he was [and still is, to a much lesser extent, at age 6] figuring out how to conquer all of the anxiety and fears in his sensitive little self. we stopped telling him that we didn't like that kind of play, or story, and we turned his need to destroy us in some gruesome way into play acting experiences, and things became a lot less stressful. he also got less angry and intense, and more playful, about it. he's still working it all out, but meanwhile, he's also a really sweet, sensitive and thoughtful little kid.  jean your post made me laugh out loud as my son has said nearly all of these things and more (lots of head chopping off, cutting into pieces). its scary but seems very normal for some boys with strong emotions. you don't have a psychopath. anonymous if it's any comfort, my nephew was the same way when he was younger. one time his sister did something he didn't like, and he told his mother that he hoped that all the windows in the house would break and that the glass would gouge out her eyes and kill her. very dramatic! he's always been very smart and imaginative but emotionally immature. he used to lash out physically as well as verbally. but now he's almost 7 and seems to have calmed down a lot.   yup, sometimes they can be scary! i know that what you hear can be quite distressing, but i think it's normal for 3.5 5 year olds to say things simply for the ''shock value''. my 4 1/2 year old son started coming home from preschool wanting to shoot and kill me, kill daddy, etc. it was all about killing, shooting dead, killing himself...you name it. there is a lot of fantasy play in this age range. one time he pretended to shoot me and i fell over dead. he was overjoyed. if he says something like in your post, ''i want to take a big knife and chop you into pieces and eat you,'' try responding in a conspirational/fun voice with ''oh my goodness! i wonder if i taste any good. what kind of seasoning should we put on me?'' see what kind of response you get. i think it's normal and age appropriate fantasy play with shock value. read ''superheroes in the doll corner'' to help understand how boys in this age range play. with that said however, it is appropriate to explain that certain behaviors are unacceptable. he may also have something going on which is disturbing him and he's saying these things as a way to get attention/help from you. anon no, you don't have a psychopath. your son has no way of understanding what he is saying, he's just found these words have power and is trying them out. he's also beginning to find a way to understand the concept of death   he won't know of its permanence until he is much older. at three, my son talked like this as well. almost the same kinds of things your son is saying, even saying he wanted his best friend to be hit by a train. i was very concerned when it was happening, but since it tapered off, i realize it was a phase. i can't say it's common behavior for the age, but i don't think it's abnormal. i think our culture has a tendency to effuse about the innocence of childhood when in reality children more likely to possess those darker, unchecked human impulses. i wouldn't worry my son tells very dark tales when he makes up a story....people getting smushed by railroad cars, eaten by wild animals, etc. and when he's angry, he might say something about chopping or punching that sounds totally grotesque. he's a homeschooled lovely child who doesn't watch television. i'm with him almost all the time, so i know he isn't picking this stuff up anywhere. i think it's just a way for him to explore and try to understand accidents, feelings, and death. unless a child is actually behaving violently toward people, animals, even bugs, i wouldn't worry about it. anon this sounds disturbing! i would be upset also. i'm sure you will get many responses, so here is another one. if you are open to it, you might try hypnosis with your child to see what's going on. i read a book called ''the past lives of children'', and it describes children who have irrational fears or behaviors that are leftover from their past life. the author says these behaviors appear starting at around 2 years old and can be very upsetting for all involved. once the hypnosis started, it sort of brought things to the surface that could then be talked about and resolved. it might be worth a try. i can't recommend a hypnotist, but you could look in the free magazine common ground. therapy might help also, with a gentle, experienced therapist, your son might be able to work out what's behind all the gorey talk, of course on an unconscious level. maybe play therapy would help him to rid himself of the thoughts. lots of luck. anon when my daughter was about 3 4 she would say similar things to my husband. among the things she wished on him were that he drink salt water and die, that she would kill him, put him in a garbage can and dance on his grave. i think she may have said once that she would chop him into pieces. we had no clue as to where she got these ideas and often laughed at how sophisticated they were (how does a 3 y.o. know that drinking salt water is fatal??), despite the vehemence with which she often shouted them. i am happy to report that it just eventually went away, and today she is a very well adjusted, normal 12 y.o. who loves her father very much.    don't sweat it hi  after reading your posts, i think something must be going on. i have a 3.5 year old son who is not a tv watcher (maybe sesame street on occasion) and is in preschool f/t as we work. but, even through all that exposure at school with older kids, he has no idea what a gun is, or death in regards to people, and most of the items you mentioned. what sort of childcare situation does he have? is he picking up something there? do you and your hubby watch tv loudly once your child goes down for the night, maybe hearing something? what sort of books does he read? does he have aggressive toys, friends, family members? think of everyone person your child sees and can be/has been influenced by. i can see how a sitter would be creeped out by a 2 year old saying such things. i think you need to do some serious inventory and figure this out    bottom line, is a child can't come up with ''i want to cut you up and eat you'' all on their own, someone or something has to plant that seed. i don't think your child is a psychopath, he has just learned some bad behaviors and needs to be redirected. might be good to help him express his anger more constructively as well, since a mommy or daddy ''no'' shouldn't leap to ''i want to kill you.'' good luck. this may take a while, but should definitely be addressed. hope it works out hey there, i just wanted to chime in that not only does my 3 year old also say horrifying things from time to time, but she's a girl, so it's not just a boy thing. her latest is to talk about how terrible it would be if our upcoming new baby were to be eaten by a 'thing that eats eyeballs'. she also wants to know if she (the new baby) will fit in the oven. she and her four and a half year old sister also threaten to kill each other dead (which i inform them is redundant, but do they listen?) cut each other into bits, blah blah blah. occasionally i close my eyes and shudder, but mostly i chalk it up to the intoxicating power of the english language, and try to throw in some extra vocabulary (i knew i was...uh...helping when the younger one threatened to pulverize her sister, who responded 'oh yeah, with what', to which the rejoinder was 'a pulverator, of course'. look, she's only 3.). i would be more worried if i came in and found one of them silently pulling the wings off something    at least if they're talking, they're communicating about their feelings and inner thoughts, however weird and intense they might be. mind you, maybe i shoudl be sleeping with a pulverator under my pillow, just in case. abbi i don't think you have a psychopath. i would only worry if there is aggression with menace aimed at you accompanying the words. my daughter has an imaginative mind that has caused me some embarassment around others, as she will draw all kinds of weird pictures with blood in them   a bird could be hurt, a knight following a battle, etc. again, very little media exposure and no older siblings. i have gotten used to this over the 2 years now (7 y/o), and it has never been followed up with any dangerous behaviors. anon i am not a child psychologist, but i would definitely advise you to have your son see one. it is not normal for a child to be talking that way. it could be a phase he is going through, or it could be something more serious. psychopathic behavior is tricky to spot and the psychological disorders underlying it even harder to diagnose and treat. if caught early, however, it usually can be cured through therapy. anon march 2007 i'm writing about my 5 year old niece, sonia. my sister called this morning upset because she found barbie and ken bound and gagged and hidden behind sonia's toybox. when she asked sonia what this was about, she was not able or willing to say anything about it. my sister says that her daughter does not watch t.v. other than american idol and her kiddie videos, and the parents don't watch it either. my sister and i both played violently with our dolls as children, in ways that probably would have freaked out our parents had they known, but we were much older than sonia is (incidentally, we both turned out fine!) sonia is not displaying any sadistic or violent behavior anywhere else, as far as my sister knows. the only source my sister can think of is that there was a child abuse case in the local news back in the fall which involved a child being bound, but can't think of how sonia would have known about it, as all my sister's news comes from the internet, which sonia can't read. is this normal behavior? is this something my sister should be worried about? she doesn't want to talk to my neice's kindergarten teacher or to other moms, afraid of what they may think of her daughter. concerned aunt your sis is in for a rude awakening, as now that her child is in school she no longer has control over everything she sees and hears. it is amazing what other kids are exposed to and believe me they tell each other. when in first grade my son's teacher even discussed that dog mauling case where a pit bull mauled a little girl. he hadn't even known about it! anyway i don't know development but it seems important to not make her feel ashamed so she feels she needs to hide it. i am sure others with more knowledge will respond. anon this sounds to me like not too unusual 5 year old play. five year olds are very imaginative and can dream up things out of the blue that their parents can't imagine where they got. i have boys, and my 5 year old definitely has friends who are into this kind of play with legos, playmobile people and action figures. these are kids from families who are very careful and conservative about tv, books, and violence. but i know girls do this too because my sisters and i did terrible things to our barbies (and to our brother's gi joe) at this age. i can distinctly remember planning all sorts of nefarious scenarios in first grade for barbie that could have easily accommodated a bound and gagged barbie behind the toy chest! i turned out normal and boring. i don;t think it's anything to worry about. but american idol, now that's another story ... ; ) ginger you are both right to be concerned. but, i think you should approach a professional in addition to hearing what us bpn ers have to say. i won't even venture a guess since i don't know at all   but red flags are shooting up all over the place for me.  good luck. i wouldn't worry about her... maybe she just has some really complex storylines going for her dolls! and trust me, any kindergarten teacher has seen and heard of much, much worse. i'd worry if she were three, but i know that at five my dolls were already going through high drama. maybe her hero and heroine were kidnapped! i would also worry if it were, say, the cat that she bound. in this case though, i would say there's no need to fear. never assume a five year old's motivations. if she dismembers her dolls, maybe she was just curious as to how they fit together... yeah i did that too. eva as a parent of an intensely imaginative child, i just want to add that my 6 year old son, who has explored the far boundaries of so called violent play for several years, is also an exceptionally sensitive and sweet boy. i think that the abuse he's heaped upon his characters [both the playthings and the ones in his stories] is partly how he deals with having normal childhood fears and also his feelings about having so little control in his world. when he gets to be the bad guy who dismembers the prisoner of the moment, well, he's in charge and no one can tell him what to do. and the girl/guy he's just slaughtered is always there in the next round. always. it really seems to speak to a child's way of working out fears. plus, it's kinda fun.  jean sept 2005 i have a 5 year old who seems to be obsessed with violent solutions to problems   verbally, not in actions. first he hypothesizes all kinds of situations...what if a bee stings me, what if a robber robs our house, what if that kid takes my lunch...then launches into ''if that happened, i would just: take a gun and shoot him, create a trap and fill it with poison, call the police and throw him in jail... is this normal and how do i deal with it??? we don't have violent themed toys at home, don't watch tv with any violent content, certainly don't talk violently or threaten or conduct violence ourselves...where is this coming from? how do i deal with it? a couple of thoughts on origins: he is just starting to learn to read and is very interested in warning labels   the three words he can read most consistently are ''danger'' ''warning'' and ''caution.'' hence, we spend a lot of time reading warning labels on everything and therefore immersed in all the violent outcomes that come from not follow warning instructions...also, part of me thinks that as his world is becoming more complex, he is seeking solutions to problems and scary things and these sure seem like nice easy ones to him (again, in theory, not in action) but i'm worried that he scares his new k teacher, other kids, and other kids' parents with this talk. should i just forbid it and give a consequence whenever it happens? or try to redirect    any tips? thanks for any help anyone can provide. anon yes, it's normal. at five, kids really start to think and worry about danger and mortality. for the first time they are thinking about the questions ''what if i get hurt?'' and ''what if i die?'' and ''what if mom dies?''. your son is dealing with it the best he can, assuring himself that he can protect himself from harm (''i'll shoot the robber if he comes in the house.'') he is cataloging all the possible things that could go wrong, and trying to figure out solutions. it sounds like you're recognizing this is what he's doing. i would just go on reassuring him when he brings up all these scenarios. i'd say ''don't worry   we will take care of you. that's the job of the parents.'' maybe even inject a little humor ''wow, you sure can think of a lot of ways to get hurt! i've never heard of anyone getting hurt in so many ways!'' if it seems like he is getting obsessive about it, maybe reassure him briefly as usual and then change the subject or divert his attention. by the way i have three boys and they were all into this violent imagery. people say that when little boys engage in weapons play, good guy/bad guy games etc. they are working out their fears about getting hurt, being out of control, etc. it doesn't mean they are violent people. g as disturbing as the conversation may be to you, it sounds totally normal to me. my 5 year old is saying some of the exact same things   shooting a bad guy, having the police lock up the bad guy, hitting and kicking a bad guy himself, etc. also, those endless scenarios about ''what if this happens or that happens....'' is pretty typical at this age. i think it's just a normal ''boy'' thing and so long as he is just talking about violent what if's (as opposed to exhibiting violent behavior), i wouldn't be concerned. i either laugh at my son and tell him he has a ''crazy'' imagination or i start the ''what  if's'' myself and say things like ''what if there was a bag of marshmallows as big as my car and it exploded and we were all covered with sticky goo?'' it's so ridiculous that he loses interest in the violent scenarios and the conversation becomes silly and fun. give it a try! in your shoes your thoughts on the origins and inspiration for your son's violent themed conversation sound extremely plausible. this sort of talk is relatively common among boys his age and is generally a sign of healthy, maturing psychological processing. most kindergarten teachers should be familiar with this type of conversation. nonetheless, your son will have an easier time with his teachers (as well as other children and their parents) if he can curb his violent talk. in my professional opinion, consequences will only serve to either escalate the situation or to suppress your son's thoughts in a less than helpful way. i do, however, have some thoughts on how you might re direct him. first, you may find it helpful to explain to your son that you are very interested in his plans for keeping himself safe and, at a set time every day, you will make a point of hearing all his thoughts on the subject. if/when your son begins his violent themed talk at a time other than the designated time, remind him that you have set aside a special time for discussing that, and now you would love to hear about something fun he did today (or any other specific topic.) then, you may find it helpful to take your son to talk with his teacher. in front of your son, ask his teacher if the class is aware of all your son's plans to keep himself (and maybe the entire class) safe. let him hear the teacher express her interest in his plans, and (if she is willing) let her suggest that at a specified, appropriate time every day, you son tell her his most important safety plan for the day. gently but firmly, make it clear that the teacher will hear only one plan each day and that any other ideas will get shared at home. this pattern will take time to establish itself. but it will also set a useful precedent for future negotiations with your son. with this approach, your son will understand that his thoughts and feelings are very important and, that when things are important, we set aside specific time for them. i hope you find this helpful. nechama i don't really have advice, but i take comfort (and thought it would give comfort to you) in knowing that your son is doing the same thing my son is doing. we have exactly the same situation. i generally just ignore most of the violent talk (except when he talks about killing someone, in which case, i intervene   his response is always, ''but, it's a bad guy, so it's okay.''). sometimes i try to redirect the behavior into another type of physical activity (sports related), but not always possible when making dinner, etc. i look forward to hearing what other advice you get, but hope it helps to know that you're not the only one! let's just hope it's a phase... boys will be boys? june 2001 i read through the archives and now am realizing that it is not uncommon for preschoolers to begin using violent talk and roleplay. my son for the past few months has become more interested in goodguy/bad guy play, and i've noticed with turning 4 is feeling a lot more anger, short fused in particular not getting what he wants. fine. normal right. well then, how come i feel so sad when it's directed at me. today i set a limit that literally enraged my son, which led to a hurl of threats in order to fulfill his wish. i heard things i never heard directed at me that were so full pain and anger and hatred and yes, violence. rationally, i understand that he is pulling every straw out of his pocket, by emotionally it cut right through me. i'd love to hear from other's who struggle to be objective and not get slayed by their child's strong emotions and unkind / hateful language. too sensitive the best advice i can give you i think you know already   never take anything a kid this age says personally. he doesn't know what he is saying  not really. he may say that he wants to kill you or he hates you, but he can't truly conceptualize kill or hate. he has feelings that are bigger than he is, and he doesn't know what to do with them. kids this age need help regulating their feelings. it's important to separate the feelings (which are normal) from the behavior (which may need to be adjusted). we have a rule: it's okay to feel angry, frustrated, grumpy, etc, but it's not okay to act mean. with my 3 year old, i try to be patient (not always easy with a raging pre schooler) and remind her of this rule. i tell her what she is doing or saying hurts my feelings. i then ask if she needs help to feel better. if she says no, then she needs to be by herself until she can do the rule and stop being mean even though she feels bad. but she usually says yes, help me, and then we figure out what will change up her mood   usually something silly, like carry her through the house upside down. think of how hard it is sometimes for you, a mature adult, to come down from anger at your spouse   these little guys need to learn how to do that, and they need help, because it is not easy. just remember how big these emotions are, and how little he is, and try to help him navigate through it. you know he loves you berkeley parents network (bpn), founded in berkeley, california in 1993, is a moderated online network for parents in the san francisco bay area. bpn is a nonprofit 501(c)(3) tax id: 46 4347971 about • contact • credits • terms of use

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supported by i’d counted on my mom, an expert on child development, to help me learn to parent my son. the thought of managing without her was terrifying. by cassie chambers this essay was originally published on january 7, 2020 in nyt parenting. i used to say it casually: “i feel like i’ve been hit by a truck.” i said it when i was tired, worn out, maybe coming down with a cold. then my mother was rear ended by a semi truck and died. i don’t use that phrase anymore. when the wreck happened, i was almost 19 weeks pregnant. i had talked to my mother a few hours before, like i did almost every morning. i had called her as i drove the winding road from my home to my office and complained, once again, about how tired i felt. i told her i had been feeling queasy lately. i could hear the smile in her voice. she told me she was sorry i didn’t feel well, but she was happy there were signs her grandson was growing. she had said for months that she wanted my son to call her “nana.” but she felt the need to reiterate it, once again, during that conversation. “i just feel like a nana,” she said, as i pulled into the parking lot where i left my car each day. i hurriedly told her i had to go   that i was almost at my office   and she rushed out the words she always ended our calls with: “o.k., i love you, bye.” she hung up while i was saying “i love you, too.” i tried to call her again as i came back from lunch that day. a conversation with a new mom friend had left me wondering whether i needed a doula for the birthing process.