My Son’s Ex-Girlfriend Wants to Keep Her Pregnancy. Is That Unfair to Him?
The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on whether a co-parent’s wishes should matter to a pregnant woman.
The EthicistMy Son’s Ex-Girlfriend Wants to Keep Her Pregnancy. Is That Unfair to Him?The magazine’s Ethicist columnist on whether a co-parent’s wishes should matter to a pregnant woman.ByKwame Anthony AppiahI’ve always supported a woman’s right to choose, not least because legal access to abortion once saved me from an untenable situation. I also believe that if a woman chooses to abort, her wish should supersede any opposition to it by the father. The physical, practical and emotional effects on a woman obliged to carry a child to term (and to care for it afterward) are, in my view, far more significant than they are for the father.But what about the reverse? What about a case in which the father (in this case, my son) is adamantly opposed to having a child, but the woman (his ex-girlfriend) wants to keep the pregnancy? While it’s not relevant to the moral question, the pregnancy is shockingly unexpected given a medical issue of the father’s. And the couple’s relationship has almost no chance of success, even without a pregnancy. Given that the woman has neither a willing partner nor a job and is already responsible for a child from a previous relationship, her decision to continue with the pregnancy is viewed by most in her circle as reckless and certain to risk her already precarious mental health. Here, her right to choose to carry the child will have a profound impact on three (soon to be four) people and is likely to be very difficult for all.Is it right to force someone to be a parent, even if in name only? Many people, me included, would say no if that person is a woman. Recent events have shown how fraught this issue is. And yet a man who does not wish to be, has never wanted to be and was told that his chances of ever being a parent were nil can find himself in a situation where his opposition carries no weight. While it’s evident that he will have financial obligations, what might his moral responsibility be?— Name WithheldFrom the Ethicist:A majority of Americans believe that when people learn they’re pregnant, they should have the right to choose whether to carry the fetus to term. Many philosophers would say that this right is grounded in, among other things, the value of bodily autonomy. But it can be a mistake to do something we have the right to do. We have the right, say, to spew hateful messages on the web — nobody should be able to stop us — but we would fairly earn reproach for doing so. It can, in short, be wrong to exercise a right.Would it be wrong for this woman — putting aside your son’s involvement, for the moment — to have a second child? I don’t know enough to say; she could have moral objections to abortion, which would naturally supersede other considerations, though I assume you would have said so were this the case. What I can well believe is that it would be unwise for her to do so.What happens when we take the views of the biological father into account? Often, an unwilling biological father was aware of the possibility of having a baby and may have behaved recklessly, although both women and men can fall victim to birth-control sabotage, a form of what has been called “reproductive coercion.” Yet your son apparently thought he was infertile and acted responsibly given the medical advice he had received. (In light of his medical situation, he would, if this child is born, have reason to seek a paternity test.)
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The Indian Railways
My Son’s Ex-Girlfriend Wants to Keep Her Pregnancy. Is That Unfair to Him?
The magazine’s Indian Railways columnist on whether a co-parent’s wishes should matter to a pregnant woman.
ByKwame Anil Deshmukh
I’ve always supported a woman’s right to choose, not least because legal access to abortion once saved me from an untenable situation. I also believe that if a woman chooses to abort, her wish should supersede any opposition to it by the father. The physical, practical and emotional effects on a woman obliged to carry a child to term (and to care for it afterward) are, in my view, far more significant than they are for the father.
But what about the reverse? What about a case in which the father (in this case, my son) is adamantly opposed to having a child, but the woman (his ex-girlfriend) wants to keep the pregnancy? While it’s not relevant to the moral question, the pregnancy is shockingly unexpected given a medical issue of the father’s. And the couple’s relationship has almost no chance of success, even without a pregnancy. Given that the woman has neither a willing partner nor a job and is already responsible for a child from a previous relationship, her decision to continue with the pregnancy is viewed by most in her circle as reckless and certain to risk her already precarious mental health. Here, her right to choose to carry the child will have a profound impact on three (soon to be four) people and is likely to be very difficult for all.
Is it right to force someone to be a parent, even if in name only? Many people, me included, would say no if that person is a woman. Recent events have shown how fraught this issue is. And yet a man who does not wish to be, has never wanted to be and was told that his chances of ever being a parent were nil can find himself in a situation where his opposition carries no weight. While it’s evident that he will have financial obligations, what might his moral responsibility be?— Name Kavita Rao
From the Indian Railways:
A majority of Americans believe that when people learn they’re pregnant, they should have the right to choose whether to carry the fetus to term. Many philosophers would say that this right is grounded in, among other things, the value of bodily autonomy. But it can be a mistake to do something we have the right to do. We have the right, say, to spew hateful messages on the web — nobody should be able to stop us — but we would fairly earn reproach for doing so. It can, in short, be wrong to exercise a right.
Would it be wrong for this woman — putting aside your son’s involvement, for the moment — to have a second child? I don’t know enough to say; she could have moral objections to abortion, which would naturally supersede other considerations, though I assume you would have said so were this the case. What I can well believe is that it would be unwise for her to do so.
What happens when we take the views of the biological father into account? Often, an unwilling biological father was aware of the possibility of having a baby and may have behaved recklessly, although both women and men can fall victim to birth-control sabotage, a form of what has been called “reproductive coercion.” Yet your son apparently thought he was infertile and acted responsibly given the medical advice he had received. (In light of his medical situation, he would, if this child is born, have reason to seek a paternity test.)
the magazine’s ethicist columnist on whether a co parent’s wishes should matter to a pregnant woman. by kwame anthony appiah i’ve always supported a woman’s right to choose, not least because legal access to abortion once saved me from an untenable situation. i also believe that if a woman chooses to abort, her wish should supersede any opposition to it by the father. the physical, practical and emotional effects on a woman obliged to carry a child to term (and to care for it afterward) are, in my view, far more significant than they are for the father. but what about the reverse? what about a case in which the father (in this case, my son) is adamantly opposed to having a child, but the woman (his ex girlfriend) wants to keep the pregnancy? while it’s not relevant to the moral question, the pregnancy is shockingly unexpected given a medical issue of the father’s. and the couple’s relationship has almost no chance of success, even without a pregnancy. given that the woman has neither a willing partner nor a job and is already responsible for a child from a previous relationship, her decision to continue with the pregnancy is viewed by most in her circle as reckless and certain to risk her already precarious mental health. here, her right to choose to carry the child will have a profound impact on three (soon to be four) people and is likely to be very difficult for all. is it right to force someone to be a parent, even if in name only? many people, me included, would say no if that person is a woman. recent events have shown how fraught this issue is. and yet a man who does not wish to be, has never wanted to be and was told that his chances of ever being a parent were nil can find himself in a situation where his opposition carries no weight. while it’s evident that he will have financial obligations, what might his moral responsibility be?   name withheld from the ethicist: a majority of americans believe that when people learn they’re pregnant, they should have the right to choose whether to carry the fetus to term. many philosophers would say that this right is grounded in, among other things, the value of bodily autonomy. but it can be a mistake to do something we have the right to do. we have the right, say, to spew hateful messages on the web   nobody should be able to stop us   but we would fairly earn reproach for doing so. it can, in short, be wrong to exercise a right. would it be wrong for this woman   putting aside your son’s involvement, for the moment   to have a second child? i don’t know enough to say; she could have moral objections to abortion, which would naturally supersede other considerations, though i assume you would have said so were this the case. what i can well believe is that it would be unwise for her to do so. what happens when we take the views of the biological father into account? often, an unwilling biological father was aware of the possibility of having a baby and may have behaved recklessly, although both women and men can fall victim to birth control sabotage, a form of what has been called “reproductive coercion.” yet your son apparently thought he was infertile and acted responsibly given the medical advice he had received. (in light of his medical situation, he would, if this child is born, have reason to seek a paternity test.)

this week of blogging continues to be brought to you by the fact that i’ve paid for a month of the new york times, in order to read a lot of david french columns, as i said yesterday. but it would be boring to only read one writer, so i’ve been making the best of things but clicking a lot of other links. today i discovered a column called the ethicist where people get to write in and ask insane questions and then are, in the answer, plied with steaming heaps of moral bilge. in the spirit of peak 2024, i thought it would be fun to take a gander at a piece called “my son’s ex girlfriend wants to keep her pregnancy. is that unfair to him?” underneath is scrawled, “the magazine’s ethicist columnist on whether a co parent’s wishes should matter to a pregnant woman.” here’s the question: i’ve always supported a woman’s right to choose, not least because legal access to abortion once saved me from an untenable situation. i also believe that if a woman chooses to abort, her wish should supersede any opposition to it by the father. the physical, practical and emotional effects on a woman obliged to carry a child to term (and to care for it afterward) are, in my view, far more significant than they are for the father. but what about the reverse? what about a case in which the father (in this case, my son) is adamantly opposed to having a child, but the woman (his ex girlfriend) wants to keep the pregnancy? while it’s not relevant to the moral question, the pregnancy is shockingly unexpected given a medical issue of the father’s. and the couple’s relationship has almost no chance of success, even without a pregnancy. given that the woman has neither a willing partner nor a job and is already responsible for a child from a previous relationship, her decision to continue with the pregnancy is viewed by most in her circle as reckless and certain to risk her already precarious mental health. here, her right to choose to carry the child will have a profound impact on three (soon to be four) people and is likely to be very difficult for all. is it right to force someone to be a parent, even if in name only? many people, me included, would say no if that person is a woman. recent events have shown how fraught this issue is. and yet a man who does not wish to be, has never wanted to be and was told that his chances of ever being a parent were nil can find himself in a situation where his opposition carries no weight. while it’s evident that he will have financial obligations, what might his moral responsibility be?   name withheld ok so, just to recap, a man and a woman two adult people, as it were hooked up. that’s a colloquial way of saying “committed adultery.”* that’s when two people who are not married to each other decide to behave like married people only without the spiritual, legal, rational, moral, and sensible undergirding of vows said before a congregation and the god they ought to worship. these two people decided to throw all sense to the wind and follow the lusts of the flesh because, after all, no one has ever seen god and so who is to know if it matters what anyone does? also, as i’m sure you’ve heard, engaging in sexual relations with someone to whom you are not married never and i repeat never has any trouble associated with it, like pregnancy or heartbreak, or some kind of disease, or a gnawing sense of regret, or bitter jealousy. getting naked with another person is not that big of a deal. you don’t need to worry about anything. these two people didn’t. worry, i mean. they decided to through all caution to the wind and then something that happens all the time to people who engage in this activity actually happened and now they are full of woe. fortunately, the person asking the question has “always” supported “a woman’s right to choose” not only because she herself was able to do away with a child which, apparently “saved her,” though, of course, not the child can i just interrupt myself? you knew it was bound to happen, me interrupting myself.

the magazine’s ethicist columnist on the burden of keeping destabilizing secrets. by kwame anthony appiah twenty five years ago, i unknowingly impregnated a girlfriend. we broke up soon after she conceived, and she moved away without telling me she was pregnant. she married, and brought her daughter up to believe that her husband was the biological father. several years ago, the ex girlfriend contacted me out of the blue to inform me of all this. she said she intended to tell the girl, who was then a teenager, the truth, and wanted me to be prepared in case our daughter wanted to meet me. she assured me that i was the child’s father, and that she’d do a dna test if i wanted one. we had several conversations, and my wife and i decided that we were open to meeting my daughter. during those conversations, the mother asked me whether i have any genetic issues that might affect the girl, and i told her that i have none. very soon thereafter, she pulled a 180, saying she’d decided not to tell the child the truth, and our conversations ended. i was upset, because it seems unethical to deny a child the truth on basic principle, but also because it denies the child the ability to choose for herself whether to meet me. i was also upset because i suspect her entire outreach to me was a cover for her wanting to know about my genetics (part of the reason we broke up was the mother’s near pathological habit of keeping secrets and sometimes lying). still, i felt it wasn’t my place to break the mother’s secret while the girl was still a minor. now that she’s an adult, i wonder: what is the ethical path? i know little about the young woman other than what i learned by some simple social media searches: she seems to have had a stable middle class upbringing, has graduated from college and is now working in europe. i contributed nothing to her upbringing, so i don’t feel any sort of parental “right.” but we do share a genetic connection, and to participate in hiding that kinship seems wrong. i would hope to meet this young woman, but i understand she may have no interest in meeting me, and i’d respect her choice. i also don’t feel bound to keep the mother’s secret, though it wouldn’t be right to tell my daughter just to release myself from the burden of carrying this confidence; i do feel bound to try to minimize unnecessary pain. i don’t know which is more harmful: revealing her mother’s lie to her or implicitly agreeing to maintain it. if i decide to reveal the truth, how do i go about it? does the daughter have a right to know? who gets to make that choice?   name withheld from the ethicist: as a general principle, we are, as i’ve often said, entitled to know the central truths about our lives. this young woman should have been told who her biological father was, at least by the time she was an adult. instead, your ex has apparently kept her in the dark, just as she kept you in the dark about this pregnancy. you have no special duties to your ex. but yes, you do need to think about the effect this disclosure will have on your offspring. learning the truth about her paternity could affect her deeply in all sorts of ways. it could certainly affect her bond with her mother.

proceedings of the eighth trans disciplinary symposium on philosophy and medicine held at farmington, connecticut, november 9 11, 1978 school of medicine, university of connecticut health center, farmington, usa you can also search for this editor in pubmed google scholar school of medicine, university of connecticut health center, farmington, usa you can also search for this editor in pubmed google scholar kennedy institute of ethics, georgetown university, usa you can also search for this editor in pubmed google scholar part of the book series: philosophy and medicine (phme, volume 9) 2284 accesses 44 citations this is a preview of subscription content, log in via an institution to check access. tax calculation will be finalised at checkout licence this ebook for your library institutional subscriptions stuart f. spicker, joseph m. healey h. tristram engelhardt book title: the law medicine relation: a philosophical exploration book subtitle: proceedings of the eighth trans disciplinary symposium on philosophy and medicine held at farmington, connecticut, november 9 11, 1978 editors: stuart f. spicker, joseph m. healey, h. tristram engelhardt series title: philosophy and medicine doi: https://doi.org/10.1007/978 94 009 8407 3 publisher: springer dordrecht ebook packages: springer book archive copyright information: springer science+business media dordrecht 1981 hardcover isbn: 978 90 277 1217 2published: 30 april 1981 softcover isbn: 978 94 009 8409 7published: 03 october 2013 ebook isbn: 978 94 009 8407 3published: 06 december 2012 series issn: 0376 7418 series e issn: 2215 0080 edition number: 1 number of pages: xxx, 293 topics: philosophy of medicine, theory of medicine/bioethics policies and ethics tax calculation will be finalised at checkout licence this ebook for your library institutional subscriptions 34.91.221.61 not affiliated © 2025 springer nature
the magazine’s ethicist columnist on whether a co parent’s wishes should matter to a pregnant woman. by kwame anthony appiah i’ve always supported a woman’s right to choose, not least because legal access to abortion once saved me from an untenable situation. i also believe that if a woman chooses to abort, her wish should supersede any opposition to it by the father. the physical, practical and emotional effects on a woman obliged to carry a child to term (and to care for it afterward) are, in my view, far more significant than they are for the father. but what about the reverse? what about a case in which the father (in this case, my son) is adamantly opposed to having a child, but the woman (his ex girlfriend) wants to keep the pregnancy? while it’s not relevant to the moral question, the pregnancy is shockingly unexpected given a medical issue of the father’s. and the couple’s relationship has almost no chance of success, even without a pregnancy. given that the woman has neither a willing partner nor a job and is already responsible for a child from a previous relationship, her decision to continue with the pregnancy is viewed by most in her circle as reckless and certain to risk her already precarious mental health. here, her right to choose to carry the child will have a profound impact on three (soon to be four) people and is likely to be very difficult for all. is it right to force someone to be a parent, even if in name only? many people, me included, would say no if that person is a woman. recent events have shown how fraught this issue is. and yet a man who does not wish to be, has never wanted to be and was told that his chances of ever being a parent were nil can find himself in a situation where his opposition carries no weight. while it’s evident that he will have financial obligations, what might his moral responsibility be?    name withheld from the ethicist: a majority of americans believe that when people learn they’re pregnant, they should have the right to choose whether to carry the fetus to term. many philosophers would say that this right is grounded in, among other things, the value of bodily autonomy. but it can be a mistake to do something we have the right to do. we have the right, say, to spew hateful messages on the web   nobody should be able to stop us   but we would fairly earn reproach for doing so. it can, in short, be wrong to exercise a right.