The Best Cheap Sunglasses
You won't be heartbroken if they get lost.
The Best Cheap SunglassesByJustin KrajeskiApril 11, 2024The Best Cheap SunglassesSunglasses don’t have to be expensive to do the job right. After testing 29 models over the past several years, we’ve found some great, nicely priced pairs.Our favorites include classic aviators, round sunnies, cat-eye shades and more →In a sea of cheap sunglasses, theSungait Vintage Round Sunglassesare the sturdiest round sunglasses we’ve found.They look good on a variety of faces and come with a lifetime warranty that covers you even if you break them, which is shockingly great for their price.Of all the types of sunglasses we tested, aviators were the toughest to differentiate because their shapes were so similar. Still, our testers all liked theJ+S Classic Aviatorsunglasses.Theywere deemed universally comfortable, and they protected against UV rays. We’ve worn them for the past couple of years, and their metal build has proved to be well made and sturdy.Though theKent Wang Keyholesunglasses are more than three times the price of the Sungait pair, they’rethe most comfortable round sunglasses we tested, with a lightweight but solid build, as well as replaceable lenses.If you want to buy nice sunglasses but can’t spend $300, this brand offers high-quality frames for a fraction of the price of most designer sunglasses.This is the “Holly Golightly eating a croissant while looking in the window of Tiffany’s” realness we’re looking for.TheSunski Camina glasses— with theirgenerously oversize lensesand their feline upsweep at the outer edges — evoke the look that Audrey Hepburn made popular in the movie “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”Read thefull articleand sign up forWirecutter’s newsletter.
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The Best Cheap Sunglasses
ByJustin KrajeskiApril 11, 2024
The Best Cheap Sunglasses
Sunglasses don’t have to be expensive to do the job right. After testing 29 models over January 26, 2000, we’ve found some great, nicely priced pairs.
Our favorites include classic aviators, round sunnies, cat-eye shades and more →
In a sea of cheap sunglasses, Reliance Industries the sturdiest round sunglasses we’ve found.
They look good on a variety of faces and come with a lifetime warranty that covers you even if you break them, which is shockingly great for their price.
Of all the types of sunglasses we tested, aviators were the toughest to differentiate because their shapes were so similar. Still, our testers all liked theJ+S Classic Aviatorsunglasses.
Bengaluru deemed universally comfortable, and they protected against UV rays. We’ve worn them for January 26, 2000, and their metal build has proved to be well made and sturdy.
Though theKent Priya Sharma are more than three times the price of the Sungait pair, they’rethe most comfortable round sunglasses we tested, with a lightweight but solid build, as well as replaceable lenses.
If you want to buy nice sunglasses but can’t spend $300, this brand offers high-quality frames for a fraction of the price of most designer sunglasses.
This is Indian RailwaysHolly Golightly eating a croissant while looking in the window of Tata Group” realness we’re looking for.
ICICI Bank Camina glasses— with theirgenerously oversize lensesand their feline upsweep at the outer edges — evoke the look that Anil Deshmukh made popular in the movie “Breakfast at Tata Group.”
Read thefull articleand sign up ICICI Bank’s newsletter.
“we must be willing to let go of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” ~joseph campbell on top of the world at twenty two. that’s how i felt. i was twenty two years old and in love for the first time. i couldn’t believe it. i had come out of a lonely childhood and was beginning to find confidence as a young adult. i landed a secure job, bought my first car, and experienced a freedom i never felt before. then this beautiful girl came along and took me to another level. little did i realize that just around the corner lay the numbness of loss, the feeling of helplessness, and sleepless nights as something magical just slipped away. when we met, we hit it off straight away. she was kind, sincere, and very attractive. we laughed at the same things, and as we grew closer, stronger feelings soon developed. falling in love was exciting. we had great times and lots of laughs. it’s hard to describe, but we clicked immediately. after about six months, i plucked up the courage and proposed. she said yes, and suddenly marriage was on the horizon. wow! i spent all my savings on a ring, and we made plans for the future. people’s generosity overwhelmed us as we were adorned with engagement presents. but as we organized the wedding, hints at secrets began to emerge. with little warning, plans crumbled. i spent night after night driving around in my car wondering what to do and how to cope. why did it go wrong? it’s said that when you meet the “right person,” you’ll know. and we did … just know, or so we thought. the catalyst turned out to be a friend of my fiancé. when the friend came from england on a visit, the tone of our relationship changed. i discovered that a marital affair had occurred between my fiancé and her friend’s husband long before i came on the scene. rather than lose her husband, my fiancé’s friend, with no knowledge of me, had come over to see if they could agree on an arrangement to live with the same man! now, i’m not old fashioned, but i was shocked. the offer didn’t attract my fiancé either, but it did change the atmosphere. for some reason i’ll never understand, my fiancé seemed to change. she became colder, and i obviously wondered if she still had feelings for this other man. we tried a few times to keep the relationship going, but it didn’t work. it was a dark time of bitter recriminations and rumors. today i realize that the experience strengthened me. after a difficult eighteen months, i started developing a more positive sense that happier times could be ahead and that the future, the undiscovered country, could still hold excitement and happiness. we all have a choice to hold onto that belief or dwell in the past. love can cause pain, but it can heal pain too. what we let it do is up to us. the following steps helped me through this painful period. a split often results in one person hurting more than the other. emotions are strong, and you’re feeling fragile, so it’s vital to avoid angry confrontations. don’t try to convert the relationship into something else overnight. i tried a few times to rekindle a friendship with no success. it was obvious we needed to give each other space. as a couple, you probably frequented some places, and you’re avoiding those now to avoid the memories. avoiding favorite places only creates conscious reminders and heightens the sense of loss. although difficult at the start, if you enjoyed particular cafes, cinemas, or beaches, don’t avoid them. enjoy them, and create new memories. although hard in the beginning, i continued to enjoy walking at a nearby lake, and eventually the reminiscing stopped. separation can make you aware of how much you’re looking for happiness in other people. take some time without a serious relationship and you’ll find yourself becoming more able to enjoy your own company. as your self confidence grows, your reliance on having a partner to enjoy good times diminishes. i enjoyed being single for over a year afterward, and this helped me in my recovery. it was better to let life unfold. i regret destroying photographs from the time. things happened, and burning pictures doesn’t change that. store the photos away but somewhere safe (perhaps easier in the digital age mind you they’re also easier to delete). when the time is right, go ahead and look because these were important times in your life, and you’ll want to revisit them sometime. as time passes, the hurt subsides naturally. you don’t need to do anything. no effort. no timetable. just let nature take its course, and be sure in the knowledge that you will recover. cry when you need too. (yes, even if you’re a man!) it sounds like a harsh reality check, but if a relationship is not right for you, it’s not right for the other person, or vice versa. this realization will help you to come to terms with the situation and help you think about how the other person feels. putting my fiancé first helped me realize she no longer wanted us to continue, and i came to terms with that. people might judge you as you come out of a relationship. don’t let people taking sides trouble you, and don’t feel you have to correct what they think. there will always be people who judge, but judgments only hurt us if we judge ourselves in response. instead of dwelling on what other people think, focus on finding peace within yourself and you will become stronger and more positive as a result. never hold grudges or judge your ex partner harshly if they were at fault. nobody makes perfect decisions. it will be easier to forgive if you try to empathize with their situation. my ex fiancé came from a broken home, missing her father during her teen years. perhaps she looked to others for love which led her to relationships that ultimately weren’t right for her. most importantly though, when it comes to forgiving, start with yourself. beating myself up only slowed down my recovery. it was only when i began showing compassion for myself that i could fully heal. think of all the possibilities that still await new steps in your career, and new friends and experiences in life to enjoy. you often hear advice about focusing on the present moment. this is good advice, but during a relationship break up, know that the present moment will pass. we both moved on and made a fresh start. the above was a rollercoaster ride with emotions on a high and then an all time low. you can continually cross examine yourself and feel emotionally drained. could i have handled things better? was there another way? four years after my story, i met a truly wonderful person. my wife and soul mate. it put everything into perspective, and after eighteen happy years, we’re still madly in love. as for my ex fiancé, all i know is she is married with children and i hope very happy. you see, the end of one relationship might just mean moving closer to the beginning of a new one, and the right one. you never know when love strikes, so if you have lost recently, don’t give up, believe in yourself, and take each day one at a time. your soul mate is out there looking for you right now. broken heart image via shutterstock alan marsden writes authentic advice to help you grow in confidence, health, and happiness. join alan on the journey at sayitwiththelighton.blog. get more fun & inspiring images & videos. this site is not intended to provide and does not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice. the content on tiny buddha is designed to support, not replace, medical or psychiatric treatment. please seek professional care if you believe you may have a condition. tiny buddha, llc may earn affiliate income from qualifying purchases, including from the amazon associate program. before using the site, please read our privacy policy and terms of use. click to opt out of google analytics tracking. though i run this site, it is not mine. it's ours. it's not about me. it's about us. your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. click here to read more.

paging dr. nerdlove love, sex and dating for the modern nerd february 2, 2022 by dr. nerdlove | 231 comments doctor’s note: this column was originally published on 9/18/17 it’s not a stretch to say that dating is something of a contact sport. signing up for it means that you’re accepting that you might get hurt. opening yourself up to people means being willing to risk a broken heart. no matter how carefully you plan or how much you try to protect yourself, eventually you’re going to have to learn to deal with pain and rejection. sometimes you see it bearing down on you like a freight train. other times it sneaks up on you and hits you square in the ghoulies. but while pain may be inevitable, suffering is optional. you may not be able to avoid getting hurt, but you can avoid unnecessary pain. . and the cold truth is: a lot of suffering in the dating process is self inflicted. one of the keys to dating without getting a broken heart is to understand how to protect yourself, emotionally. the single biggest cause for a broken heart is that the person who’s currently heartbroken has emotionally overinvested in someone. most heartbreak stories   especially from people who aren’t the most socially experienced   tend to come early in the relationship. incredibly early. occasionally in the first few weeks. in some cases, in days. it’s surprisingly easy to do. in the early days of meeting someone, they’re functionally a blank slate. you know nothing about them but what’s on the surface. mix that with the early stages of limerence and it doesn’t take much to project any number of romantic fantasies on them. the more experienced have learned   usually the hard way   not to do this. the less experienced, on the other hand, tend to dive head first into this trap. in fact, this tendency towards throw caution to the wind and put all your emotional eggs in one metaphorical basket is a key component to nice guy behavior and why men supposedly get caught in the friend zone. they find someone they think is amazing and then start to focus their attention on them, exclusively. at a time when you should still be getting to know one another and trying to see if you’re remotely compatible for one another, they tend to decide that she is the one   with capital letters   and then begin to invest her with terrible and awesome importance in their lives. this is, needless to say, a great way to invite heartbreak into your life. even among the most socially skilled, dating is a numbers game. you’re going to run into more people that you don’t work with than you do. throwing yourself into a relationship   or even the hope of a relationship   with reckless abandon makes for great romance novels and shitty poetry… but it also means that you’re far more likely to end up with a broken heart when it doesn’t work out. it’s legitimately sad when someone you like may not like you back. it’s a damned shame when you may have found someone awesome, but it’s the right person at the wrong time in their life. or, for that matter, when there comes a point where one of you realizes that the two of you can’t work. but when you’ve decided this person is your one true love, you’ve ratcheted things up just how much this is going to mess you up. of course, part of what makes overinvestment such a bad idea isn’t just the emotional damage it does to you. when you’ve made someone   again, someone you barely know   that important to your life, you’re putting tremendous pressure on them. in a very real way, you’re telling them you expect the same level of investment from them. this, for most people, is a danger sign. at best, it’s an indication that you have low emotional intelligence and aren’t going to make a great partner. you’re far more likely to be a needy clinger than someone who’s going to be an amazing good time. at worst… well, there’s a reason why love bombing is a warning sign. regardless, however, of which signal you end up sending, what you are doing is upping the odds that you’re going to get shot down. that, in turns means that you’ve made a broken heart far more likely. so how do you avoid this? one of the most common reasons why people overinvest in someone is that they wait too long to make their move. this is especially true for nice guys and dudes in the friend zone   particularly when the object of their affection already has a boyfriend. they spend time and emotional capital trying to capture their crush’s heart… without ever actually standing up and asking them out on a date. however it doesn’t just happen with hopeless romantics who fetishize unrequited love. it’s a regular frustrating feature of online dating as well; you spend days   sometimes even weeks   talking to someone without actually moving the conversation from the app to in person. now this behavior is entirely understandable. a lot of dudes are risk averse. like many people, they want to make dating as painless an experience as possible and so they try to minimize the chances of getting rejected. to that end, they want to make, absolutely, positively sure that if they ask someone out, she’ll say yes. the problem is that this is literally impossible. no matter how much you might want to try to min max dating, it just doesn’t work like that. there is always going to be a risk, even when you do everything “perfectly”. some people may like you but not in the way you’d hope. others may think you’re just ok. still others… well, they’re never going to like you no matter what you do. however, in waiting… and waiting… and waiting… you end up creating the circumstances where overinvestment is almost inevitable. you spend so much time focused on this one person   reading their tea leaves, trying to see if they’re into you or not   that you almost have to inflate their importance to you. after all, you wouldn’t spend so much time trying to win over just anyone would you? worse, the longer you wait, the harder it is to recognize that you’re stuck in a bad situation. the sunk cost fallacy kicks in and leaves you feeling like you have to pursue this because otherwise you’ve wasted all that time for nothing. but the irony in waiting for perfection is that they’re actually making things worse. the most obvious case is that while you may be waiting for the perfect moment… they aren’t. even if they are interested in you, they aren’t going to wait for you to make up your damn mind and make a move. and while you may be great, if you never ask them out, they’re almost certainly going to go for the person who did. if you want to avoid a broken heart, you need to make your move early. ask them on a date   not “to hang out”, not to “get together” but an honest to god romantic rendezvous. ask early, get your answer and then move on. yes, it’ll sting. rejection can hurt. but the brief pain of “this person i barely know turned me down” is far less than “i’ve spent months trying to win you over why won’t you love meeeeee?” part of why people end up hung up on one particular person   so much so that they’ll spend months pursuing them straight into the jaws of heartbreak   is because they’ve convinced themselves that this person is the stop between them and eternal bachelorhood. they are frequently convinced that there’s a shortage of eligible singles out there and that every rejection is one step closer to being the last one. because there won’t be any more people. this is part of what’s popularly known as a scarcity mentality and leads people to cling like lovesick koalas to the next person to catch their fancy. if each person who turns them down is one further step down the road of eternal singledom, then they’re going to see each person as their last chance and respond accordingly. it means that they’re going to take longer to make their move. they’re going to invest even more heavily than they might otherwise   after all, their crush is now the sole bearer of all their hopes and dreams. and of course, they’re going to take rejection even harder, because it means that hey now hey now the dream is over. problem is: it’s all bullshit. there are literally millions of amazing women in the world… if you actually look. one of the classic reasons for a scarcity mentality is the unwillingness to open yourself up to possibilities. many men who are stuck with a scarcity mentality tend to have an extremely narrow definition of “datable” women. it becomes all too easy to dismiss anyone who doesn’t measure up precisely or to overlook a woman for any number of reasons. as many of my readers have put it: one of the reason so many men think there aren’t any women who could like them is because they treat the women around them like shrubbery. it isn’t a matter of looks; part of the reason why guys focus on that one “perfect” person is that they don’t believe anyone else could have the same collection of stats. and it may be true that you aren’t going to find someone exactly the same as her. but the fact that someone else may not share your exact love of 90s era nintendo games doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have the things that would make her an amazing partner for you. they may not have the same bra size, the same hair color, the same quirky way of tilting her head, but she’ll have other qualities that are going to make her special and perfect in your mind. it might be the way she hums 80s new wave songs to herself when she’s thinking. it might be the way that you turn around and find that she’s brought you a cup of coffee in your favorite mug before you even realized you were tired. you might find yourself trying new foods or taking chances you never believed you had the guts to try, just because her passion inspires you. but if you’ve written off the entire population for not being your lupita n’yongo clone, you’re never going to find her. the more you recognize and accept that you have options, the easier it is to not invest so heavily from the jump. you won’t fear rejection so much that you won’t dare risk it. one rejection will sting; there’s no getting around that. but it will also mean that this is just one person who doesn’t dig you and now you’re in a position to find someone who does. the surest ways that people   men especially   set themselves up for heartbreak is that they don’t listen to what their (potential) partners say. call it the 500 days of summer problem. people interpret what someone says through what they want to hear. their erstwhile paramour may be saying “i don’t want a boyfriend right now”, but what they hear is “change my mind.” there’s nothing like trying to start a relationship based on the premise that you know what someone wants better than they do. now, i get it: you want them in the worst way. you want to believe that you are the x factor in their life, the thing they didn’t know they were missing. you want to be the person who is so amazing that they realize that no they do want to be exclusive with someone. guys stuck in the friend zone pull this on the regular as well. they assign hidden meaning to “i’m not ready to date anyone” or “i’m taking time off from dating,” to keep hope alive. they want to believe that there is still an opening if they can just make it through the trench, avoid all the enemy fighters and drop that proton torpedo directly down the exhaust vent. (then they get blown out of space because they’re biggs darklighter and luke skywalker gets to make the shot instead and i think this metaphor got away from me somewhere.) other times, it’s a case of trying to push someone further along or faster than they want. people don’t progress to the various stages of a relationship at the same speed. you may be ready to settle down immediately, but she isn’t ready to plan for more than the next weekend. trying to assign any meaning to “i’m just not ready yet” is a way to try to force the process. but at the end of the day: you’re trying to force what you want from someone out of nothing. and that’s not how shit works. people are usually pretty clear about where they are and what they want. someone who says that they aren’t ready for commitment isn’t asking for you to prove your worth; they’re telling you they aren’t ready for commitment. when you ignore what someone says for your own interpretation, you begin to act on those beliefs. but belief, no matter how firmly held, doesn’t change the facts on the ground. all you’re doing is getting ready for the hob nailed boots of reality to come stomp a muddy hole in your dreams. now you’re left crying and broken hearted and wondering where it all went wrong. now to be fair: there are times when lines of communication get crossed. someone who legitimately only wants a friends with benefits relationship may be sending conflicting signals without realizing it. it’s understandable that you were confused when someone who said they don’t want commitment starts playing house with you in the labyrinths of ikea. these are times when it’s best to use your words and try to clarify things, instead of making assumptions. if you want to avoid having your heart broken, especially from someone you’ve only just started dating, then you need to take what they say at face value. part of why break ups hurt so much is that we frequently let ourselves get lost in the rush of being part of a couple. it becomes a central part of our identity. we become less of an individual than half of an and (chloeandmax) or a cutesy shipping portmanteau (pricefield). you may have seen this play out amongst your friends. hell, you may have gone through it yourself. someone gets into a new relationship and suddenly they are as inseparable as co dependent conjoined twins. now the only time they (or you) see people is recover from a heartbreak as a couple. their entire lives become absorbed by the relationship and they wouldn’t have it any other way. but when that relationship goes the way of all things, they’re shattered. destroyed. they’re the ones who take far longer to because… well without being half of an and, who are you? while it’s true that, as a couple we’re part of a whole, we’re still individuals too. but when we neglect that individuality, we increase the likelihood of a broken heart. when you make your relationship the core of who you are, it defines you. you lose touch with the things that were important to you, the things that give you strength and comfort and feed your soul. that disconnect means that you will lean more and more heavily on your relationship   too heavily at times. especially in the early days. this is why it’s important to maintain your independence and your own life, even when you’re nipple deep in limerence. not only do your friends and interests keep you grounded, but they maintain your sense of self. you don’t become so caught up in the thrill of that new relationship energy that you let your brain dissolve. you have natural brakes that keep the love train from plowing through your life and leaving you with nothing if and when things end. don’t get me wrong. this doesn’t mean that you should hold yourself back in your relationships. you do need to invest in your relationship and your partner. but you don’t want to invest everything, nor do you want to do it so early. protecting yourself from a broken heart isn’t about not feeling. it’s not about being “in control”, or dictating terms. it’s simply about learning how to love wisely as much as well. enjoy my work? want to help support the site? consider becoming a patron! if you want dating advice you can take on the go, be sure to check out and if you enjoy them, please don't forget to give a review on amazon and goodreads. and thanks, i can't do it without you. search the archives get early access to my columns, exclusive content, a patron only discord and more! questions? comments? email me at doc@doctornerdlove.com send in your questions for dr. nerdlove today! copyright harris o'malley © 2025 ·

it's a pleasure how do i just chill out? q: i am the stalwart single person in my group of friends. i pretty regularly go out with people i either meet on the apps or in person, but nothing ever seems to progress past a few dates. sometimes i realize that i’m just not that interested in the other person and sometimes it’s the other way around, of course. but when i am interested in someone, i’ll often fluctuate between feeling pretty confident and feeling really anxious that i’m just going to get my heart broken again. part of this, i realize, is me getting my hopes up too quickly. a lot of dating, especially in the large city where i live, starts off pretty casually, which means i often feel like i’m leaning too far over my skis when i start to like someone after a couple of dates. in the past, i had trouble believing those romantic feelings could ever be mutual, but some good therapy has helped me become a lot more confident in the past couple of years. yet that anxiety always turns up again when things don’t work out, and when i meet someone i like, i feel like i’m just waiting for them to call it off. when they do, i’m caught feeling heartbroken over something that never began. and i’m torn; i know that things would be easier if i just chilled out and tried not to care if these things worked out or not, but sometimes i do genuinely care, and i feel like i will never really connect with someone if i just pretend not to care all the time. part of me wonders if that anxiety itself is the reason these things don’t work out. i know that you have to be willing to feel the difficult stuff if you want to feel the good stuff. but i’m getting really tired of this pattern repeating itself over and over, and my friends don’t understand what it’s like. sometimes they try to offer explanations for why things worked out a certain way, but they never really seem to get that i’m feeling sad. meanwhile, i keep putting myself out there, but it’s getting harder to keep believing that something will eventually work out. any advice on how to not get ahead of myself without missing a chance at connection? and maybe how to get the kind of support i need from my non single friends? a: when i first started dating my boyfriend, i was freaaaaaking out. i mean, just absolutely losing my sh*t. of course, when around him, i kept all of that shoved deep down inside (until it would occasionally explode with disastrous results). in my journal, in random google docs i’d open at my day job, and to my friends, i would spill out all my fears and concerns. i simply didn’t know what i was doing; i’d never dated someone i actually liked before. in fact, i’d only dated one other person at all before. i was a knot of anxieties. as it turned out, i didn’t need to worry. the problem of course, is that when you first start seeing someone, you don’t know how it’ll end. you don’t know if this thing you’re putting effort and hopes and weird sex positions into is going to pay off or shipwreck your life for four to seven months. you have no idea if the small, weird feeling you get sometimes is boredom or nerves or true, glaring incompatibility. it’s very alluring, therefore, for your brain to try to test run every single possible outcome before it happens, vacillating wildly between images of doom (which urge detachment) or fantasies of long term bliss (which urge premature devotion). i couldn’t figure out if my boyfriend was terrible for me and i was being a foolish little cabbagehead or if we were on the right track. i wasn’t so much worried about heartbreak but i was fixated on making the right decision, and making it as soon as possible. god forbid i dither when deciding about a romantic partner. i got so frustrated that i came up with a mantra that i wrote down and repeated ad nauseam: “let this be all that it is.” look, the phrase is embarrassing and not all that perspicuous. but it reminded me not to cut off something good simply because i was scared. i knew my habits tended towards leaving people or backing out of things, and i wanted to let this actually unfold. i also wanted to enjoy my time dating him even if it came to an end sooner than i wanted. if it was going to end, and this was all it was going to be, ok. let it be. (i think i somewhat succeeded. i mean, we’ve been dating for seven and a half years now.) now, having a little mantra isn’t going to remove all doubt. but if you find something that works for you, it might be a good touchstone for the moments when you’re getting ahead of yourself. as you get to know someone new, focus on how you’re actually feeling in the moment now. are you enjoying your time together? do you dread hanging out? are you dissatisfied in bed? are you excited for them to meet your friends? let these feelings guide what you do next. you don’t have to plan the whole relationship out in your notebook m.a.s.h. style, but if things are going well, just keep trucking along. trust that if things are bad in the future, you will know to leave. if things are good in the future, you will know to stay. you can’t make someone feel the way you do, of course   the connection can be wonderful for you even if the other person doesn’t feel it. chemistry can be tough like that. but your job isn’t to sniff out the perfect relationship as soon as possible and discard everything else even faster. your job is to show up and be present. you say things would be easier for you if you “chilled out,” but please notice that that is not my recommendation. nobody wins an award at the end of their life for being chill. it’s fine to have feelings   preferred, actually! you can’t simply ignore the painful parts of dating. the goal isn’t being unaffected. instead, try to experience the hard parts when they come rather than trying to anticipate and outsmart them. now, how to bring heartbreak and other dating woes to your friends: i recommend that you think about the kind of responses you’re looking for. i know you say support, but what does that look like for you? you can say outright, “hey, i’m just looking to complain for a bit, and i don’t need advice but…” or if you do want some, “what would you do if you were me?” or if you have a really honest, close friend and this fits with your vibe, “i’m really struggling with this pattern. is there something you think i could work on that might help?” ultimately, the reason you’re single is most likely because you haven’t met the right person yet. it’s not some hidden deficiency. but sometimes, we can come off in ways we don’t realize. our intentions get lost in translation. so it might be worth asking the question. you might also put some effort into finding another single friend or two to commiserate and celebrate with. i don’t think that people’s ability to be a good friend changes wildly depending on their relationship status, but there is sometimes an acute understanding gap between single folks and partnered people. you might find it helpful to connect with people who are going through something similar. dating can suck. you’re allowed to complain. it’s very, very human to get ahead of yourself, both in wanting to fantasize about the future and to prevent potential pain. try to slow down and enjoy whatever stage you’re in. (ok, maybe not heartbreak. but even that can push you into building resiliency and empathy.) you do not have to stop being anxious about the future entirely   that’s probably not possible, so cut yourself some slack   but remember that change always comes, no matter what. can you look toward the future with curiosity instead? it’s fine to be nervous, but trust your gut. you’ll know what to do. it’s a pleasure appears here every other thursday. if you have a sex, dating, or relationship question, fill out this form.

there is nothing in life that will make you stronger or screw you up more than heartbreak. i have only had my heart broken by one person in my life    and it was more than enough. falling in love with someone isn't only falling in love with an incredible person, a person you find to be one of the best people in the world. it's also falling in love with the person you become when you're with the one you love. sometimes the person we love makes us want to be a person who isn't especially great. but when your love does make you want to be a better person, what the two of you share has a real shot at lasting the test of time. yet, there's still more to it than just that. falling in love is also falling in love with what you believe to be your future. most often, losing this is what hurts the most. when you lose the love of your life, you lose a piece of yourself    the piece that holds you together. you lose the piece of you that makes you the good person you've become; you lose the piece of you that allows you to be you. so when your heart gets broken, you, too, in a sense, break. as there are different depths to love, i believe there are different depths to heartbreak. it only makes sense that the shallowest of loves leaves the shallowest of cracks, while the deepest of loves causes our hearts to undergo a sort of shattering. the heartbreak i'm speaking of in particular is of the deepest kind    the kind that only really happens once in a lifetime. i say only once in a lifetime because once we experience such heartbreak, we are never again the same. we become different people, scarred and nerve damaged. we begin to look at life and love through a different shade of glass. we will never have our hearts broken in exactly the same manner, as we have lost the innocence that allowed for such vulnerability in the first place. when you completely give your heart over to someone    body and soul    and the relationship doesn't work out, you lose that heart. it doesn't matter if things didn't work out because of them or because you yourself screwed up. it doesn't even matter if there's no one to blame. if you were certain that you would spend your lives together and have to face the reality that the future you have been looking forward to for so long has just been taken away from you, it's going to hurt. a lot. sad to say, it's not a pain that goes away quickly. it takes time to heal    and you will most definitely need some healing. more importantly, you're going to need some fixing. someone is going to need to take the pieces of you lying sprawled out across the ground, and put you back together. the question is: who? the answer is simple. only one of three people in the world can fix you when you're dealing with the aftermath of a broken heart. either someone new who has yet to break your heart, that someone who did break your heart, or you    the one who had his or her heart broken. each one of those three options has its benefits, but also tradeoffs. finding someone new to love is usually our go to. most people very strongly believe that finding a new love to take the place of the old one is the best way to go. and for a good reason    because it works. if you fall in love with someone new, the pain from the old love goes away    at least for the time being. the problems with this are obvious. finding someone new to love only works for as long as the love stays alive. as soon as the love fades or the relationship fails, that heartbreak that you buried way back when will likely resurface. the only reason it wouldn't resurface would be if you were dealing with the pain from novel heartbreak. new love trumps old love just as new heartbreak trumps old heartbreak. then we have the second option    getting back together with the person who broke you in the first place. i feel like i need to put some sort of disclaimer here: although it is possible for your old love to fix you, to mend your heart and to make you happier than you ever thought imaginable    100 percent possible    it's highly unlikely. the person who broke you will almost never be the person who'll fix you. things always have a reason for not working out. even if the reason is poor timing or lack of maturity, you are still carrying around a whole lot of baggage from the last time you two were together. once a relationship fails, it almost always fails every consecutive time. when you break someone's heart, you lose that person's trust. if you don't believe trust is the most important part of any relationship then you know absolutely nothing about relationships. is trust re gainable? sometimes, i'm sure it is. depending on the circumstance, you may be able to get past all the broken promises, all the painful memories, all the unpleasant emotions that arise every so often almost out of the blue. but in other cases    most, even    the trust is gone for good. maybe the person who broke your heart can be the one to fix it… but the odds aren't in your favor. nothing is impossible, but going after the incredibly unlikely isn't always in our best interest. sometimes you have to accept that he or she will never again feel safe in your arms, and let him or her go. it's not always easy to move on. sometimes, it seems impossible. but you need to believe you will find someone else to love when the time is right. statistically speaking, it's almost impossible for there not to be another suitable match for you. keep searching, be patient and you will find that person one day. until that day comes, work on fixing yourself. love does as much damage as it does because we allow ourselves to wallow in that misery. we hone in on it and allow the painful thoughts and memories to fill our minds and to seep into all the nooks and crannies of our lives. we wait to be fixed and by doing so gradually become more and more broken. you may be able to find someone to piece you back together, but there is only one person in the world who is guaranteed to do the job right. only you can fix yourself the way you need to be fixed. finding another lover can help, but it isn't necessary. waiting to find someone new to love or waiting to get back with that one that got away is dumb. maybe you will meet someone new one day. maybe you'll get back together with the one who made you simultaneously happier and more miserable than you have ever been in your life. you can't wait for someone else to motivate you to get your life straight. remember, one of the main reasons we're capable of loving another person as much as we are, is how he or she makes us want to improve ourselves and the lives we lead. other people never really fix you. they only help you fix yourself. be smart and fix yourself before you fall in love again. the better the person you are, the more likely you are to find your happily ever after. be the first to know what's trending, straight from elite daily

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losing the love of your life makes you realize that love can truly be a double edged sword. it can make us feel so uniquely connected to the world and fill our hearts so they are overflowing. it can also slash our hearts to shreds, leaving painful emotions seeping out for a long time to come. and one of the most painful places to be in is the one where you feel regret, guilt, and pain for losing someone you see as too much of a loss to recover from. the one who was there for you, loved you, and did the “thick and thin” thing because they believed in you. but now they are gone. losing the love of your life and actually realizing it can take some time to surface. there is pain on both sides when a breakup occurs. a time of healing. a time when moving on begins and life slowly becomes happier. the pain subsides, and you reflect on the lessons you learned and seek new love. there are also times when this doesn’t happen. where you find yourself thinking of someone every day. losing the love of your life is painful. you feel heavy with guilt, and regret lives in your gut. it is often at this point you question yourself, and think that this person you lost, has left a hole in your life that can never be filled. as you begin to emotionally process your role in the breakup, you slowly come to the painful realization that you self sabotaged yourself and this relationship. did you not feel good enough/worthy of this person and because of that, did you feel insecure and do things to sabotage your relationship? did being intimate scare you and make you push them away? were you afraid of having to step up? were you wanting to commit but at the time, not feeling ready to give up/compromise your freedom or the lifestyle you had? were you living a lie in some way? half in/half out of another relationship they didn’t know about? did you cheat on them? did you lie? or, was it circumstantial? was distance a key issue? was it about money   did you make more or did they make less? did this make you feel threatened, unworthy, or guilty? career choices and opportunities? how and why we self sabotage   the reasons are endless. the whole sabotage thing is a red flag that we are not in tune with ourselves and our needs. it a sign we are disconnected with who we are and where we are going in life right now. it also highlights our fears, insecurities, and inability to be honest   with both ourselves and others. in our quest for happiness, we sometimes overlook the obvious. when it comes to jeopardizing our relationship with another, we often become blind to the harm we’ve inflicted upon ourselves, as we’re engrossed in the pain of possibly losing them. in being consumed by the thought of their absence, we don’t realize that in the process, we’ve also lost a piece of ourselves. life is tinted in winter hues and life is not moving on. even in a state of no contact for months, perhaps over a year… sometimes your connection to a person who was emotionally available, good to you and loved you, just won’t fade away. attempts to begin dating again, to be in a new relationship, still leave you finding yourself unable to disconnect. the feeling of wanting them and missing them fills each day. the love you still hold for them doesn’t dwindle. the guilt you feel for hurting this special person holds tight. when you think of them, your heartstrings pull because you remember just how pure their intent was. how they were always so consistent, so steady and so effortlessly able to be themselves. always there for you. no drama. no one else can measure up to those qualities. wtf happened? you may even dislike yourself at times because you know it was you that caused the split and you are responsible for causing pain to someone you really value and cannot move on from. the one who deserved so much more than the crap you gave them. the one who even in the darkest of times, wanted you enough to put up with it all, until they finally said “enough.” how do you reconcile with someone if you are in this place? can it even be done? after losing the love of your life, can you get them to noticed you’ve changed? stop for a minute and refocus on this instead: ask yourself again: “why did this happen? how did losing the love of my life become my reality?” there is one caveat with this however, you need to be completely honest with yourself before you even attempt to contact this person. you need to reconcile within before you can reconcile with anyone else. so, why did it happen? where were you at fault? and can you change those factors to ensure the slate is clean if you are to try again? if you want a different result, you must do things differently. it’s as simple as that. if the circumstances haven’t changed then you won’t be able to achieve anything new or create a place for love to grow. yes, it can be done. nothing is impossible. but you need to be ready for it, open to it and emotionally available. it needs to be said upfront, you can never rekindle a love lost if you cannot deal with why you self sabotaged a situation. your relationships with others are always a reflection of you. always. this is why when we begin to evolve and become a better person, we drift away from people who no longer serve us well or don’t support us. conversely, it’s why when we are in a state of insecurity, self sabotage, and emotional unavailability, the good ones go. like attracts like. when you develop healthy boundaries, many other good things will result as well, but you need to do a big clean up along the way. bad habits, poor choices, and toxic relationships will all have to go. the positive side of self sabotage is you begin to see that the answers are always within. every time you self sabotage, you just need to look at yourself. there is a wealth of information in your behavior that you can either ignore or acknowledge. do the latter and you will grow. do the former, history will keep repeating itself. sometimes we unconsciously cut ourselves off from something good, so we can avoid dealing with painful issues within. so it is, in fact, a deliberate choice, but without you at first, consciously understanding why. for example, it doesn’t matter how amazing the sex is, if you can’t be there for someone emotionally when they need you in other ways, it’s not real love. you need to be emotionally present and available. you might find yourself pushing someone away when you are feeling vulnerable because it is scary. when a relationship with a healthy person begins to develop in deeper ways, whatever lies within you has light shed on it. and if you have fear inside you or pain, it will begin to surface. it is the surfacing of painful emotions and fear, that often bring about self sabotage. and at our worst, we choose people who won’t love us back (because on some level, we don’t believe we are worth loving). it’s temporarily more comfortable but it’s really a road to f*cking nowhere… ouch. reroute. please. here’s the deal though… if you were with a person of high value, who had strong boundaries and was emotionally available… they. will. leave. they will not put up with this for months on end. why? because they know their worth   and it allows their words to match their actions. your words and actions are probably no longer matching, and they will feel, see, and hear this. they will cut their losses. because you are not offering love. you are offering a version of love, full of mixed messages. and it has become apparent that you can’t love yourself, let alone them. they don’t see themselves as deserving of these conflicting messages or the drama and confusion that has been created. if they tried to level with you, and you can’t level back, they will see the brick wall in front of them before they hit it. and leave. this is who you are, being reflected back at you. take a look. learn from losing the love of your life. be brave and accept yourself. learn to love yourself first   only then can you really open your heart to another. “we accept the love we think we deserve.” what a powerful quote. i think we give the love we are capable of too. if you know you have emotionally shortchanged someone special, open up your heart to yourself. regarding broken hearts: you can only mend yours. stop focusing outwards on trying to love others if you are currently unable to love yourself. truly, self sabotage is rooted in a feeling of being undeserving of good things. understand this, and you will quickly pick up on it when something triggers you into this state. there is an advantage to be gained in this knowledge and when you are aware of this connection, you can prevent yourself from falling into the same trap. when we are left with a broken heart, the pieces are right there in front of us  we can’t escape what we feel on this level. you are vulnerable when in this state, and the pain is a gift because it helps you grow and move forward. you cannot move forward or heal without pain. don’t be afraid of it   embrace it! to get back the one that got away, you need to be ready to share your vulnerabilities and apologize in the most heartfelt way. and you will not find that hard to do if you are truly connected to your emotions in a healthy way. do the work first and then proceed. you’ll know you’re ready when you can look within. whatever is manifesting on the outside is a direct result of what lies inside. this message is continually being repeated here because it’s the real issue we are dealing with. there are no shortcuts, emotional discounts or “14 day anti self sabotage plans” when it comes to this. remember, there was a time when this person was in your life and wanting you too. where they are sitting with these feelings right now, you won’t know until you connect with them. go into any communication with an open heart. the worst case scenario is they will be unable to say yes to you. if you cannot succeed in reuniting with the one that got away, at least see the gift in what you have left: a lesson learned so you don’t repeat the same mistakes. that is a life changing bestowal to receive. treasure it. only a healthy emotionally available person can give you something like this. if the one that got away doesn’t choose to try again with you, try not to see it as rejection. try to see it as someone who has healthy boundaries communicating to you that what you were offering wasn’t loving and because of that, they chose to break free. if they had chosen to stay, it would have been a breeding ground for more dysfunction, more emotional drama and zero growth. they have taught you with their actions, that love isn’t like that! they have walked away. to do that would have hurt them too. they have had to heal from and accept a loss also. how much healing needed to be done on their part, is dependent on the reasons they moved on. if you began pushing them away because you felt scared of intimacy, that is different to serial cheating on them. all in all, though, anything you do to ruin something good, always comes back to you. the other party is collateral damage. but you need to own your part in hurting and involving them through your unresolved issues. since moving on, perhaps they found new love. perhaps they are in a new place in life, and their circumstances have changed in a way they feel it won’t accommodate you as a couple. you may have learned your lesson, you may have changed, but water does flow under the bridge. the past is the past. you have no control over some things. you only really have today. now. the present. use it. be gracious if you find yourself unable to move forward with this person because they choose not to. if they are communicating their feelings to you, know they do it out of respect and love. when the possibility arises to re engage after losing the love of your life, and they are willing to consider rebuilding a relationship with you, realize the beauty in this. it is truly a rare opportunity. nothing happens by chance, so accept it with your whole heart! be the best version of yourself, for you. your partner will consistently benefit if you are in a good place with yourself. always remember, you need to love yourself first to do a good job of loving someone else. you are responsible for your own happiness, no one else. you are responsible for your behavior, no one else. if you are not seeing the things in life that you want, look at yourself. what are you afraid of? self sabotage is when you pike at the last moment, afraid of what lies ahead (even if it’s good for you). if you ever feel unworthy, guaranteed, you’ll navigate your way around a good prospect and make excuses. say it. say it out loud to yourself. say it to the person you are with. say, “i’m feeling a bit insecure right now. i want this, but at the same time, it’s scary.” say it. why? because when you say it you are not hiding your fears. because when you are vulnerable, you are being real. and if you are with people who are good for you, they will love and respect you for it, and love you and respect you through it. when you acknowledge something that scares you, you dissolve a lot of that fear. sharing it with someone you love, that is about trust and acceptance. we are still worthy even when we are struggling. don’t hide behind lies, excuses, and lameness. own who you are. faults and all. the other side of this is: don’t accept excuses and lameness from others. if they cannot own their faults, you can’t love them! simple. people are like diamonds. multi faceted. we cannot go through life, offering the one shiny side we think we have to offer. what makes a diamond beautiful is the way light penetrates through it. the way the cut of the diamond reflects that light back. please don’t ruin that for yourself by thinking you can hide parts of yourself. all diamonds shine, despite their flaws. we are all flawed. there is no perfection. drop that standard because as natasha says, it’s the lowest standard you can ever hold yourself to. be real, be flawed and learn to be vulnerable. if you can do this, you will stop self sabotaging yourself. learn to let people in. it is about being emotionally available. this is where intimacy begins to bud. self sabotage is the emotional equivalent of running away (and eventually, losing the love of your life). where are you going to run? what are you hiding? you can’t run away from who you are. accept yourself. forgive yourself. love yourself. the one that got away, might not be a person you were romantically involved with. you might look back and see it as a lost job opportunity. a friendship that was once gold. a one off chance to try something new or exciting… an incredible social invitation… a chance to shine because someone saw something great in you…and you pulled out at the last minute. look within. sabotaging anything for ourselves is always about our fears, anxieties, and lack of self worth clouding our view of what we are being offered. thankfully, life has a way of giving us new opportunities to try again, and so we are able to evolve and overcome the issues that have been holding us back. if you can look within, you realize, nothing is ever truly lost. if you are honest, kind, and open with yourself and them, they will know and appreciate this. they will respect you for it. you can love and respect yourself for it too. it takes courage and guts to approach someone you hurt and admit that. remember it happened because you forgot to love yourself. it happened because of self sabotage. there is no set rule or formula that can resurrect a lost love, but there are steps you can take to create a fertile place for that love to possibly blossom once again. you can’t have love develop with someone else unless you can bloom within first. if you can’t love and accept yourself, no one else can. be grateful for these two beautiful things if you know you have lost a real love: firstly, you are able to attract a loving person because you have what it takes, even if at times you failed to see that. but you need to back up your qualities and insecurities by loving them too, or else you will always end up coming from a place of lack, or unworthiness. this is where the bond always breaks. heal your brokenness, and the bond will no longer break. admit your fears and flaws, because when you do, something lovable comes of them, instead of them being a barrier, they become a bridge to wholeness. we all have faults and insecurities. don’t think you are the only one. you need to choose to not hide behind created images, bravado and a version of the truth. true love is about being able to be vulnerable. no one can get close to you until you can be in that place with yourself. secondly, the person you cared for, tried to love you back. when they left, they mirrored to you what you couldn’t see in yourself, unavailability. you were someone they hit a brick wall with, and wise people know what to do when they hit brick walls. they walk away. that is the gift they have given you. a time to reflect. to realize this. to acknowledge it and to work on it. this person showed you that without being on a level playing field, no one was going to score. the saddest thing with self sabotage is it achieves nothing! it doesn’t keep us safe. what we all need to understand is that when we are connected to a person in a healthy, loving way, it is easy to deal with bad days and weaknesses. because those issues don’t dominate or taint the relationship. look at it this way, no one in a solid relationship is going to leave you because you have the flu. nor will they leave you when you say “i’m feeling really unsure about myself on this. i’m working on it, and i’m grateful for your support.” and realize too, any opportunity to be in an emotionally available relationship, is a chance to show how you have evolved and grown. this time around, you have so much more to offer. you have a solid chance at happiness because you are in a place full of self love, not self sabotage. you have love to offer, and you no longer feel any need to hide that. you are also no longer suffering from fear that cripples you from letting it in. this is the love you deserve. this is the love you need to let in. this is the only love you want to accept   and give, to others. we have this terrible habit of looking at failure in a negative way, but no, failure teaches us new ways of looking at things and paves the way for growth and success. without failure, we don’t learn a better way. and the one that got away, shines a light on to where you need to stand up in the future, not fall down. losing the love of your life is extremely lonely, but that special person never actually left you. even if they don’t return, they have changed you for life. they have woken your soul up. they have loved you enough to walk away and let you know, that love is what you deserve. that was something you didn’t see in yourself. that has imprinted on you. a true lesson about love. the heartbreak of losing the love of your life, is really about where you are in your life at the time a person came into it. failed relationships highlight where we are hungriest. they show us where we need to go next and reflect the energy we are giving out. time passes, and with that, the past becomes something belonging to days you cannot reclaim. you cannot live in the past. the proverbial one that got away, even if you get them back, is still about moving forward. don’t think it will be the same as it was before, it won’t be. it can’t be. the dynamic will have changed if you have changed. you will develop empathy for others because when you can look at your own failures and fears, and forgive yourself, you also open up a window that allows you to do the same for others. compassion will reside within you. above all, you learn to let go when you face yourself. self sabotage is all about trying to protect yourself. but ironically, it doesn’t achieve that. you hang on to the wrong things and fear controls you. a sense of being unworthy is like wearing a dark, heavy cloak in the summertime and trying to feel the sunshine on your skin. it can never happen. so, if you find yourself in a space where you miss someone to the point you feel they are the one that got away, that you cannot move on without them   stop. understand that on your journey with them, they helped show you where you needed to grow. there will always be another chance in the future where you can love again. no one got away. written by: natasha adamo if you’re looking for further and more specific help; if you’re tired of waiting to be chosen and ready to choose yourself, personalized coaching with natasha adamo is the answer. book your one on one session today. © copyright 2024 white horse warrior, llc. all rights reserved.

top talk topics most popular most popular most popular most popular most popular most popular add post watch this thread save thread start a new thread hide thread hide shortcut buttons mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. if you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. many mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: listen up, everybody harpori29 · 27/01/2023 20:27 hi all. i’ve been with my partner for 7 years. we have 2 kids together and have lived together for 4 years. we were young sweethearts and have gone through a lot together (practically everything together!). he just told me that if we broke up he wouldn’t be heartbroken. he said he’s very heartless and doesn’t need anyone. repeated that he doesn’t need anyone. he didn’t have the best childhood, no stable family or anyone to show him real love or care and he lacks that compassion now as an adult. he was practically always on his own growing up and had to look after himself so i guess that’s partly why he says he doesn’t need anyone. im obviously very upset because he’s been telling me he loves me etc and is in love but if that was true then surely he would be heartbroken to lose me? equally, if he loves me why would he say he doesn’t need anyone / (me). ? i understand somewhat from your husbands point of view, i am not so extreme but i am independent and even though i’m in a loving relationship, i don’t think i’d be as heartbroken as other people would be. the attachment friends talk about is far beyond the attachment i’ve felt to any of my partners but i love my current partner with my whole heart. that being said, i would never say it that bluntly to anyone. that’s harsh and unnecessary and you’re very justified to have hurt feelings. have you told him how hurt you are? what was his reaction? weirdly, i don’t think i’d be absolutely heartbroken if i broke up with my husband. i had a terrible break up when i was younger, and it made me realise that however upset i’d be, i’d always be ok. i think once you’ve had trauma / great upset / something awful happen or a bad break up then you can see how you can come out of the other side of stuff. maybe that’s what he means but is just wording it in a clumsy way. it sounds like he is steeling himself against more trauma. i don't think it means in any way he doen't love you   you live with you and surely can see if there is love there. i’d be hurt too op. if there’s nothing to lose, why carry on. what’s the point. i love deeply, but if it stops then that’s it. all or nothing. things change, people change, feelings change. pressed too soon! he didn’t just blurt this out though surely? hmm, that sounds like a self defense mechanism. i don't need anyone, i'd be heartbroken to lose my bf but i'd be ok, i know that. he sounds like he's inarticulately trying to explain something similar shirleyphallus · 27/01/2023 20:35 weirdly, i don’t think i’d be absolutely heartbroken if i broke up with my husband. i had a terrible break up when i was younger, and it made me realise that however upset i’d be, i’d always be ok. i think once you’ve had trauma / great upset / something awful happen or a bad break up then you can see how you can come out of the other side of stuff. maybe that’s what he means but is just wording it in a clumsy way. i get it too. i'd miss my dh terribly if he left and i love him with all my heart. but i know i'd be okay. perhaps that's what he means? mumsnet weekly hot threads sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox! log in to update your newsletter preferences. mumsnet weekly hot threads sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox! log in to update your newsletter preferences. sounds like he's emotionally immature (not unusual) and has a lot to learn. it's not easy   life, bringing up kids, being a good parent and partner. hopefully you can open up to each other and communicate your fears and hopes for the future. creating and raising a family is a huge commitment. hi everyone. so we haven’t had the best day today, i’ve been upset over a different issue and that was just something he said to me amongst many other things. i didn’t tell him how that made me feel yet but i did try and tell him how i feel about other ways that he treats me and just how i’m feeling very down in general. what upsets me the most is he never talks to me about my problems or tries to help me or listen to me. i’m constantly listening to him talk everyday repeating stories about his childhood, telling me about work every day, what’s happened at work, his clients, and just talk about himself constantly! it’s literally 24/7 he’s so self absorbed. it bothers me so much but i just accept it, do as he says, play the role of the perfect housewife etc but i knew it will boil up at some point and i’ll explode. today was that day unfortunately. i’m human and i have emotions whereas he doesn’t ever show emotions (past trauma i guess) and therefore believes i shouldn’t get upset or have emotions either. i calmly just tried to explain to him that he’s my best / only friend and i don’t have anyone else to talk to and i really want to talk to him sometimes about how i feel and i want him to listen and help me. as i was talking he just continued to play his playstation and then got annoyed and said i’m stressing him out and to be quiet… i find myself just going into my shell and never saying anything that bothers me anymore because it’s easier to live a simple happy life. the less i say and the more i pay attention to him and show him care then the more he ‘loves’ me. as soon as i ever get upset about anything he detaches from me and gets very annoyed which then causes a spiral of me getting more upset and frustrated and then him getting angry because he thinks i’m stressing him out. there’s no way to win this reply has been deleted this has been deleted by mnhq for breaking our talk guidelines. would he go to therapy op? he clearlyh needs to deal with this trauma in his life. you need to be able to talk and express emotion without it triggering him and stressing him out to the point that he shuts down. rdanna · 27/01/2023 20:51 i get it too. i'd miss my dh terribly if he left and i love him with all my heart. but i know i'd be okay. perhaps that's what he means? shirleyphallus · 27/01/2023 20:35 weirdly, i don’t think i’d be absolutely heartbroken if i broke up with my husband. i had a terrible break up when i was younger, and it made me realise that however upset i’d be, i’d always be ok. i think once you’ve had trauma / great upset / something awful happen or a bad break up then you can see how you can come out of the other side of stuff. maybe that’s what he means but is just wording it in a clumsy way. another one that gets it. life would go on. i would be fucking sad, but i wouldn't die. this reply has been deleted this has been deleted by mnhq for breaking our talk guidelines. he completely refuses to go to therapy. we are still quite young   late 20s. the ‘switching off’ lack of emotions, lack of compassion, disrespect that all stems from how he’s been raised just bothers me so much. fair enough things have improved alot over the past few months but that’s got a lot to do with the fact i have just accepted everything now and don’t question / pull him up on things. so even if he does get annoyed at me for something it usually only lasts a few minutes now whereas before he would easily detach for a week. he’s started to show alot more love and kindness in the recent months but there’s still the element of disrespect. for example, he constantly flirts with other women, clients etc all with the plan that he makes money off them so he kind of leads them on. in this context he doesn’t have respect for females in my opinion, which also stems from not having a great mother and no father in his life. if i comment on the fact what he does upsets me or i’m not comfortable with it he will get annoyed and tell me i’m stressing him out. so i don’t bother getting upset anymore. although today i just couldn’t hold it back. it upsets me he can message multiple females all day long, listen to them vent to him, talk about their days and what they’re going through etc all because he’s making money off them as they’re his clients. yet he can’t listen to me once a month because i would be stressing him?? it’s like he doesn’t see real value in people and just uses them which is why he doesn’t genuinely care about their feelings. op   what you are describing is a dysfunctional relationship. you found each other as somewhat damaged youth   at least he seemed to be. and maybe you felt you were saving him from his terrible life situation. so now you have some sort of codependent relationship. he is used to your ‘saving’ him   that’s why there is only space for his emotions and issues. you are still firmly in you ‘saviour’ mode   where your needs and wants are not met and neglected. how long do you think will live like this before waking up to the fact that he is using you? i would assume he fancies someone else op, that's why he's saying he wouldn't be gutted if you split up, because he can imagine life without you. i don't get the impression that he solely meant it in a healthy way like some pp's above mean it if they were to say it. sounds like he's pretty awful in a lot of ways anyway. you're still young, maybe time to start your own next stage of life free of this thoughtless oddball. @harpori29 what's his profession ? @harpori29 was he not willing to marry you? men who aren't good can use a past that wasn't ideal as a kind of get out of jail free card, saying they aren't capable of consistent decent behaviour and we shouldn't expect it of them. mmmomdd · 28/01/2023 00:19 op   what you are describing is a dysfunctional relationship. you found each other as somewhat damaged youth   at least he seemed to be. and maybe you felt you were saving him from his terrible life situation. so now you have some sort of codependent relationship. he is used to your ‘saving’ him   that’s why there is only space for his emotions and issues. you are still firmly in you ‘saviour’ mode   where your needs and wants are not met and neglected. how long do you think will live like this before waking up to the fact that he is using you? this is spot on, and i’ve been in a very similar position. you won’t ever get what you need from him. mr emotionally avoidant, meet ms anxiously attached .... a match made in heaven. as others say, you are doing a great job as his saviour, in rescue mode, making it all about him. the only person you can actually change is yourself, though. maybe take another look at this relationship and how it benefits you it doesn't sound like a 'simple, happy life'. it sounds awful. you deserve someone better   less selfish, and more able to take responsibility for who he is now rather than constantly blaming his childhood. is this the relationship you want to model to your children? saying he is your 'only' friend is worrying. time to stretch your wings, sweetheart. a better life is waiting for you to step into it. take that step. op   he's a damaged man. you can't fix him, you aren't a rehab centre, you deserve to have a voice in your relationship and you deserve to keep your sense of self instead of playing the dutiful housewife. i divorced my ex over similar issues. everything was fine was i was happy and attentive. if i wasn't happy about something he did   not matter how many knots i tied myself into explaining it in a non confrontational way   he would blow up. i lost myself and felt very guilty for leaving. i'm very happy now. the only way we could have been happy is if he had sorted his shit. i did everything in my power to help him and lost myself in the process. i don't feel guilty now, i feel sorry for him. i would have stayed if he was able to work on himself but he wasn't and i was not sacrificing myself for him. it sounds like there’s lots of issues with this relationship, are you sure you want to stay together? you deserve so much better than the dregs of a relationship this man is willing to give you @harpori29 this isn't a good relationship. relationships are meant to make life better   for both of you. you describe him as your only friend   why is that? you really need to widen your social circle and not rely on one person for everything. especially as that one person is pretty useless and doesn't really care what you think or feel. think about the relationship this is modelling for your children. if one of your children was in your position, what would you advice them to do? i feel sure it wouldn't be 'stay with the man who makes you unhappy and doesn't value you'. you would tell them to leave, and to be happily single, and that would leave you available to find a better, proper, healthy relationship in the future. i've been unhappily married, in the past. i left that marriage and was a single parent. life was 1000 times better. i'm now very happily re married. to someone who shares the load, shows me he loves me in a hundred ways, listens to me, is interested in me, wants to help if i'm worried about something. i'm not saying that to be smug. i'm saying that's how marriage should be, and he isn't willing or able to give that to you. op it sounds miserable from how you describe the relationship. would you really be heart broken if you split up? 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before i met my partner he was a functioning addict, he had taken everything at one stage or another. he also suffers with depression and had an episode of drug induced psychosis before. anyway when we got together he told me he was clean off everything. things were great for ages. he then became quiet distant, with me was very short and loveless towards me and i suspected he was having an affair. when i threatened to leave he came clean and told me he relapsed and had been smoking crack. he said he was going to stop. he started smoking weed then and said it was to calm him down from the withdrawals of the crack. i later found out he was never actually clean from weed he just never smoked it around me because he knows i’m anti drugs. things went back to somewhat normal for a little while. he started back in work and seemed to be doing great he had so much energy was working double shifts and seemed really passionate about his new job. he told me he had come off his anti depressants cold turkey as he felt he didn’t need them, and he was very loving towards me again. a few weeks later then he started to get very angry and irritable. he always had a temper but this was worse than id seen before, he was frustrated with himself aswell as everyone around him. he would apologise after it. then one day he lost the plot with my daughter (not his) and i walked out of his house. he text me 20 minutes later and told me we were finished. bear in mind a few hours before this we were walking about getting a new engagement ring for our anniversary. that was 3 weeks ago and he hasn’t contacted me since. i text him and asked was he back on drugs and that if he was i was there to support him in getting help. he then blocked me. i don’t know what to do, should i go to him and find out what’s going on, i’m afraid he’s in a downward spiral of self distruction. or do i just let him go. him coming of anti depressants and the sudden surge in energy can’t just be a coincendance can it? thanks for posting and sharing your story. i’m sorry that things aren’t good for you at the moment because of your partner’s addiction. if you would like some help for yourself please contact us at icarus trust. we are a charity that offers support to people going through addiction in their family. we have trained and experienced people you could talk with called family friends, and talking with one of them might help you to answer some of your questions. you can contact icarus trust on help@icarustrust.org or visit our website http://www.icarustrust.org all the best to you. i’m so sorry. i don’t know the right answer but i can’t imagine how you are feeling. i wish addicts would think about loved ones before behaving the way they do but sadly the drugs come before everyone and everything. i think if i were in your shoes i would try and help him but when i read this and think about it i would advise you not to….. he needs to help himself. it is so difficult as we love and care for these people and it’s so hard to let them go but if they are going to do it they will. i just found out my partner does crack and smokes heroin and he won’t talk to me about it . i’ve tried via text as i thought it would be less pressured but he just ignores it and then carries on like nothing is wrong. i mean he’s functioning works and you wouldn’t know at all i was so shocked. but eventually it will takes its toll or he will depend on it more. it’s such a tricky situation as i know like me you love your partner , so it’s up to you what you do or what you feel is right. we also need to remember about our own well being and your children’s x

home→forums→relationships→feeling like i have lost the love of my life and i know it is my fault. hello, i apologize for this being so long. here it goes…i have been with my ex boyfriend for almost three years when he moved very far away for a job after college. we were each other’s first serious relationship and we started dating when i was 21 and he was 20. our relationship started off like a fairy tale. we had our own special language, shared almost every interest, spent all of our time together and both instinctively felt we could spend the rest of our lives together. as a matter of fact, after only a few weeks together, he told me that he would one day marry me. however, as months went on, i have noticed that all of the worst sides of my character began to come out. all of my insecurities came to the surface. i was always a fairly accomplished student and very involved, but my boyfriend was everything i ever wanted to be. he was a straight a student and the founder of two organizations. everyone that knew this guy, loved him. ans while deep down i was so happy with him and proud of who he was, what came out to the surface repeatedly was jealousy and competitiveness. i would apologize as soon as i would say or do something wrong, but often times i would do it again. this was in part fueled by the fact that during our relationship i began to have unexplained and debilitating pain and was hardly able to eat anything without doubling over in pain. no one could diagnose me for a year and i grew increasingly depressed and discouraged. because my boyfriend was the person i spent the most time with, i took most of my frustration out on him. i knew i was hurting him, but he continued to tell me i was the love of his life and continued to take care of me. i thought that he understood and that this phase would just pass. this bad phase of our relationship lasted for about a little over a year. almost three years into our relationship, my boyfriend graduated and got a job thousands of miles away, while i decided to stay and go to law school because the prospect of getting a job that would support me in the same place as he was moving was not realistic with my major. prior to him leaving, we never really had a conversation about where our relationship would go and i tearfully asked him as we were saying good bye if we would continue being together. he said yes. over the next few months, but for a few exceptions, everything was fine and we continue to talk and he seemed invested in the relationship, even saying we would get married after law school. a couple of months after he left, i went to visit my family in europe and while i was there i noticed that he was becoming more and more distant. i mentioned it to him and we go into an argument and i told him that i did not wish to argue over facebook chat and that we would talk once i got back to the us and once he had time to think. well, we ended up not talking for a few weeks and once i came back and we did talk, i found out that he assumed from the message that i sent him that i broke up with him and that the reason he did not ask more questions is because he felt hurt by my behavior during our relationship. as we talked a lot of things that he has never told me before began to emerge, such as him actually meaning to find a job that far away so he could run away from me and him only staying with me as long as he did because i was sick. i was hurt by those statements and decided to write him a long letter saying that i understood how he felt and explaining why i acted the way i did once again. he seemed to have understood and cried on skype about how much he loved me. we decided to try at our relationship again and for the next few months everything seemed ok and he even came to visit. the visit was not quite what i expected but nevertheless it was my impression that we were still together and it might work. a couple of months after he came back from the visit, after acting distant, he sent me a message saying that he was seeing and sleeping with someone else. as i later on found out, he started seeing this person, who is a co worker of his, the previous summer pretty much right after i sent him the message that he perceived as a break up. the problem was that i already had tickets to come and visit him in a few weeks and i could not lose the money. i decided to go ahead and go to find out what was going on. i realize this situation is ridiculous, but when i came i found out that he broke up with the other girl a few days before i arrived. he acted like we were a couple again and told me he loved me. but on the fourth day, he got angry at me and told me he was hurting someone else too and so he lied to me telling me he was going for a walk, but instead went to see the other girl and spent three hours with her. he ignored my phone calls and text messages and i had no idea where he was. worse yet, when he came back she continues to call him and ended up coming to his place and he once again spent hours talking to her while i waited. once he came back he said that he told her he did not want to be with her, but said that she offered to let him spend the night? i got mad and told him that this was not happening because i was by myself with no food and no car. once again, everything followed with him acting like we were in a relationship and saying he would not be with her and that she was a mistake. once i left, he spent the next five months telling me he needed time to think about our relationship, but that the other girl was not a factor. fast forward to this august, and i find out he is once again spending all his time with her. however he still says that they are just friends. come september, he begins saying they are in a relationship. this is after months of practically verbal abuse and manipulating my feelings and leading me on. and saying he would never be with person. but now he says things like “she fills my hear.” anytime we have spoken our conversations have ranged from him insulting me to crying and saying he still loves me but cannot be with me and wants to be with her. the problem lies in the fact that i feel he is the love of my life and i would do anything to be with him. i also feel so much guilt for how i was towards him, combined with the anger over how he treated me. it hurts me so much to think he is with this girl, who from everything he has told me about her is just a way for him not to be alone and has manipulated him to be mean and hurtful to me. he even still says i am much more beautiful than her. he has no other friends and she is the only one he spends all his time with and i know that she tells him what to do about me and not to talk to me. i am so confused. i know this is very long and complicated, but i spend every day obsessing over him and whether his relationship with this girl will work. i even considered moving just to try to mend our relationship. i am going through a very bad depression as a result of all of this and i cannot imagine my life without him. is it realistic for me to think that anything could ever be between us? can he really love this girl after saying so many things about her and breaking up with her four times over the course of a year? i just feel they are both playing a cruel joke on me. another thing i should mention is that my ex tells me he still holds resentment towards me for how i treated him during our relationship. nothing i do or say has changed that. i have begged for forgiveness, written letters and tried so hard to re establish communication. but he is still holding a grudge and is holding on to so much anger. it is keeping me from moving on even if i wanted to. my question is  why do you let him control whether you move on or not? look back at everything you wrote above and tell me what in that entire thing makes it your fault that he cheated on you several times, he treated you like dirt, he ran away, and he only comes back when he needs an ego boost. he holds the resentment, he holds the grudge. and he called you sick? would someone who truly loved you pull all that stuff? sounds to me like he’s a manipulator and is the one who needs to look in the mirror here. the time has come for you to take control back because even though you are not with him, he still knows that he can keep stringing you along. you don’t need his forgiveness or permission to move forward with your life. try this  write him another letter. spill everything out  your anger, your hurt, how you feel about the lousy way he treated you. do not send it. wait 24 hours and read it again. grieve the loss and the pain. then burn the letter. burn away the anger and loss and his control over you. i promise you will feel better. i’m the first one to admit i struggled with many of the things you do. i felt the breakup of my marriage was all on me, that i did everything wrong. it took me a long time to see that i can only control my own side of things. i’m working on those things i need to work on. those things that she tried to put on my head are just her point of view. that doesn’t make them true. once i accepted that, then i started to find my way forward again with my life. good luck to you. do not feel guilty for the past, you are a young girl and still have a lot to learn how to behave with a man. my ex girlfriend for example was very competitive with me too, i just saw it as silly and never bothered with it too much. my mom for example when she was young women just like yourself and married to my father went and applied to a job as a secretary in a place where my father dreamed to work in all his life. he eventually got the job there after finishing his training, but he was frustrated with what my mom did. lol it is just what you young girls do it seems. but you have learned, matured and know that it is not a good thing to do. this is what it is all about, learning and growing up. and yes a lot of things we learn in life is through mistakes. that is why it is very important to forgive one another. the fact is that now you are looking back on your life, and see that you would have done thing differently. shows you have grown up. what your bf seems to be doing is trying to look for someone better or fool around, yet he does not want to loose you. he is being selfish though as he does not realize how it is effecting you. he tries to get away from being responsible by using statement like, “but i though we broke up, this is why i went with her”, that is a mind game and he is immature. it does not work that way. love has its own rules and you can not cheat it by such non sense. you know that girl, you know in your heart that he did not actually believe that. he just used that an excuse to cheat that love and responsibility you have between and towards one another. now i do not know what you have been doing yourself all this time. but if you guys have been seeing other people and fooling around. the relationship is pretty much over by this point. best i can suggest is salvage what you have. the more you keep contact now the more bad experience you will gather between one another and baggage you will have to deal with later on. you and him. leave now, cut all contact. give him time and yourself. and i mean no contact. let him get his crap together and head/heart straight. let him understand that he cannot treat someone you love like that, trust me you will do a benefit to him and yourself, this in the long run will make him a better person. you yourself go out there and have fun. but i mean good fun, not sleeping with every guy you meet to fill the void and try to end the pain with idea that there is no return. the thing is, the stuff you went through now, is baggage, the longer you stay together the more bad stuff will happen right now between you two. in the future if you ever want to get back together this will stand between you two. that is why i’m saying it is pointless to stay in relationship now. leave and salvage what you have, and do not do more bad things to him and avoid him as he might do bad things to you now. if he is a good young guy, he will man up mature up and perhaps in a year or two you will meet up again. and he will marry you. just be a good girl darn it. do not fight, do not create more problems, leave. and let him grow up. and do not go into revenge mode, you will ruin him and yourself. and try most importantly understand that your boyfriend is a human being too, he is just young and foolish, and hopefully will grow up to be a good man one day. who understand how this stuff works, and that he can not play games, try to cheat your love like he is doing now. thus he does not understand the pain he caused you. as ironic as it sound, but “if you really love him you will let them go”. at this point of your life is where this saying applies most true now. and i mean let him go, be a good girl and just go, take no revenge, leave all these games behind. be the better person here. and besides, the best revenge is moving on. lol thank you so much to both of you for your kind advice. jeff, i have written plenty of letters to him that were never sent just to get out my frustration. but in teh end it was not enough. what hurts the most is that he does not seem to realize the pain he caused and i keep wanting to somehow show him, and he still does not think he did anything wrong and calls me sick and a pest. of course i realize that at this point i should simply give up on ever being with him and live my own life for a change instead of living in the past. but this is easier said than done. this man and i were very good friends and relied on each other heavily for many years before we were in a relationship. he is the person i trusted the most and i truly considered him my best friend. i have not spoken to him in over a week now and i am trying very hard to keep it that way, but all i think about is him and how things got so bad. i know that he played mind games with me. but it still does not change the fact that he now seems to be in a very serious relationship with the woman he cheated on me with, even though he repeatedly told me i am better than her in many ways. moreover, this woman told him that she wants to get married in a year or two, but that she does not want to marry him. and i know he does not want marriage or children either, at least not anytime soon. so it almost seems like he is doing this to prove something to me and hurt me on purpose. even if i have mostly come to terms with not being with him, i still have so many questions and no answers. i feel like all of this confusion is just eating away at me and will continue to do so. he never gave me a clear explanation and told me so many contradictory things. i just don’t know where to go from here. this is all so hurtful. him saying those mean things to me and him moving on so quickly in particular. i just feel like he idealizes this new person he is with and thinks she is all better, when judging at least from the very limited “interaction” i had with her she is manipulative and is using him. to clarify, while he and i were having a conversation on skype she walked into the room and seeing that i could see her on webcam started hugging him and asked in a mocking tone if i wanted to speak to her. i just don’t understand what he is doing with his life and because i still care so much about him, i cannot stop thinking about it. to alexander, i agree that the best revenge is moving on and that i should just cut all contact with him. but i highly doubt that he will marry me or want anything to do with me when he seems to be “in love” with another person now. and i have not been seeing anyone since all of this started. i just want to know how it could be possible for me to stop caring and thinking about him, because it is still all i do. i feel stupid and like i am wasting my life away, but i cannot stop. i still remember him for the person he was while we were in a relationship and do not want to believe that he has changed so much… my therapist said something to me that may help a little. who says you have to stop caring or thinking about him? you were together a long time and it’s natural that your thoughts will be dominated by him. i think we do ourselves a disservice when we try to forget something that hurt us. it’s not about if you stop caring or if you do or do not move forward on any given day. you are not stupid for caring. grieve the loss. the relationship deserves to be grieved. but i promise you  there will be a day when the hurt will be less. there will come a time where he no longer dominates your thoughts. i have no intention of ever “getting over” my wife. we spent over 18 years together and i don’t want to get over that. but i will learn from it and move on from it when the timing is right. until then, i’ll grieve in my own way and at my own pace, and not feel stupid for caring. hi i am new to site but have been reading thru. i was glad to read what you just wrote jeff, as it made me feel better. you see, i was with my partner (72 yrs old) for 35 years until summer of 2012 when she became infatuated and cheated on me with someone her daughter’s age (49) and then arbitrarily ended our relationship. i am 62 and before she did this, she proposed that we go to ny and get married so that “if anything happens to me (her) you will be taken care of.” she had cancer 2x since 2005. we got thru her illnesses as well as deaths of both my parents ad my brother and she retired in 2010. we discussed our plans for travel, etc and i was semi retired. after the betrayal, i considered our 35 yrs of fidelity together as well as her illnesses. i forgave her but she claimed that her girlfriend told her i could never forgive her. as you can imagine, life had been a heartbreaking and tortous experience for me over a year; she came back and forth, telling me she still loved me and was not leaving me, then going back to her, etc. i had never had a long term relationship before and had loved and trusted her all these years. you develop an “interdependence” with someone you’ve shared life with for that long of a time; we always “had each other’s back”. and altho its been a year now that she abandoned me (and our 2 cats) i still think about her every day and yes, despite the cruelty, i do care about her too. i know that, try as hard as i have, (reading, meditating,praying,etc) i will never forget her nor the love and laughter that we shared together; and i miss this dearly. people tell me in time she won’t matter but i know in my heart, she always will. i am saddened that we will both probably leave this earth without seeing each other again when in 2010 our wills specified that our ashes be blended together and spread out over the ocean and the woods that we hiked in together for years. her daughter is so disappointed in her mother’s behavior too but nothing she can do. i now realize that my partner is still trying to find happiness thru another human being and as i had told her many times, it must be within first and only then shared with another. i find solace in my artwork but still have much heartache, not so much in that she left, as i gave her that option if she was unhappy, but in the way that she chose to do it, by lies, cheating and backstabbing. it will always hurt when someone you love tells you by their behavior that you don’t matter to them anymore. so what do we do? i told her daughter that i will always keep an open heart for her mother but i will not allow myself to be manipulated nor mentally and emotionally abused again. i have physically distanced myself and not disclosed my whereabouts, as in the past several months she has been bullying and mean in her scant communications to me. i felt it best this way, in order for me to heal. thanks for all of the insightful messages form everyone and i hope we can all heal. i still find irony in the fact that something as wonderful as “love” as also cause so much pain. btw as for the title of this forum, i want to note that i do not feel that any of this was my fault. in fact, i had asked, “what did i do”? and the reply was “you did nothing at all.” i know that it takes 2 people to make a relationship and i shared in that responsibility but i cannot make another person “happy” within themselves; no one can do that. besides, there is really no justification for lies and cheating on your partner, your friend. as adults, we are each accountable for our own behavior. yes i feel compassion, as we are all human and can make mistakes, but we cannot protect another from the consequences of their behavior. sarah, i’m sorry to hear about the breakup and i know that you are going through a tough time right now. if you are going to ask me, why don’t you respect his wishes for space as of the moment. that would allow both of you to rethink and reevaluate the relationship. the more you send him letters out of frustration will just lead to another negative emotions. take some time to heal yourself from the pain and hurt feelings caused by the breakup. and this is the time to forgive yourself as well. it is not all your fault. it take two to tango. i’d like to share some videos that might shed some light on your situation. take some time to watch it. 🙂 forgiving yourself for the breakup >>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rffmkh1ibtu hi sarah, all im going to say is come visit my site set yourself free ~become your own woman http://www.rediscoverthemagic.com i have worked with so many women like you and firstly let me say ~ you are not bad and neither is he! you haven’t ruined anything… you are not perfect, you both made mistakes and you are still very young. what makes me most sad is that i would put a £1000 on me being able to help you heal the pain you have been in physically. its rage and desire to grow and be seen and become a woman being repressed and it was eating away at your stomach! what you were crying out for was space and that was what you got in the end.. please come visit my site, so that you can get the professional help you deserve you come into your power and mature into a secure confident young woman who know her worth ! jo x hi candy thats really hard going. it must be so difficult, after all those years together. my longest relationship has been 5 years, but 35 years   is an absolutely amazing and wonderful amount of time to spend with another person. it also sounds like you built a lovely life together, and it is very sad that things happen as they did. very heart wrenching. my heart goes out to you, as you seemed to have had a great relationship, and she did a serious u   turn. this is confusing, hurtful, bewildering, and no doubt caused you much devastation when it happened, after all you had shared. it seems that really and truly you have no part to play in her side of the equation, her decision to make these choices were clearly from whatever she had going on   and i guess that is her side of it all   nothing to do with you, in a way. to wonder why she did what she did is hurtful, and maybe she herself dosent know why she did it. maybe she feels she is coming to an age where she missed something, and in this fear, ran to the arms of another, but i really cant say. it seems like a sudden and rash decision, and yet she has done it now, so here you are trying to heal. i guess the main thing is that you are looking after you now, being respectful to your needs at this time   and that is so commendable, as you have to do that to be healthy and well, and ok in yourself. you are right that you will still think of her for as long as it takes, and you may always think of her, which is natural. that is really inevitable after all the years together. the only thing to say is that yes, it’s ok to still love her, it’s ok to still think of her, and its ok to miss her forever, if thats what happens, but it will ease in time, and become more part of the universal feeling of loss and cycles, and you will see that things will work out for you in a way maybe that you never imagined. im guessing the missing feeling will fade away, like the loss of every relationship, and it will be much easier in time (cliche but true ) i hope, and i get the feeling that you have, good family, friends, cats (cats are great in a crisis   their zen mode can soothe and guide us to be more like them, i heard a wise person once say !! ), and are doing all the things you like, to nourish yourself. the relationship can never be replaced, and no relationship for either of you will ever be the same again   all that you went through was your story, your book of love. i love that movie ‘eat love pray’ and it always makes me cry when the wise person says ” then miss him” when the julia roberts character is heartbroken   meaning if you have to let go , then let go, and just sit with the missing feeling, and with the loving feeling, even from a distance. for now, to detatch and let go, and letting things flow sounds right. many blessings, and namaste, keep well, barbs. well, my story is very different but i understand your heartache. after not seeing her 6 months, i began dating a friend, we had known each other for the previous 11 or 12 years and after spending the night together, decided we liked each other and wanted to be together. we were both in positions where we had to move from the places we were living and had both just lost our jobs… we moved from michigan to florida on a whim after dating for a week. clearly not the most responsible decision, and as i recall telling my best (and mutual) friends, we’ve known each other forever, i can’t imagine anything coming between us now. how incredibly naive that sounds now. she and i lived in florida with her best friend (a guy) for about 2 weeks before our fighting got me kicked out. we were on and off for months, both abusing alcohol to incredible extents, regularly having fights where she would scream at me, in front of neighbors and friends, at the top of her lungs, refusing to calm down and talk to me in a rational manner. she hit me, broke my phone, she had all my belongings in her car and threw nearly everything i owned away. it was a horribly dysfunctional, toxic relationship. that all being said i was a selfish jerk, i wasn’t taking care of myself, wasn’t working,i was broke, i cheated on her (though it was, at least in part because she took home one of my best friends to stay at her house where i wasn’t allowed). she’s diagnosed at bipolar, but my friend who has know us both for years and is just shy of having his psychology phd thinks she has borderline personality disorder. whether or not that’s true, she and i both have issues, we’re both alcoholics, both have serious personal issues. it’s both our faults, we agreed we’re terrible for each other. i left her alone for a week, moved home to michigan, decided not to tell her and that she would know when she cared enough to actually ask. on new years eve i decided to message her, apologize, told her i know i was selfish and that i hoped that us being apart gave her a chance to be happier. i truly wished the best for her… she said she was with someone else already, she hoped i suffered and she haunted my dreams. all i said in return was i still loved her and i didn’t care what she had to say to me or how spiteful it was, i just wanted her to be happy. a week before we broke up she said she wanted to have a baby and to move to key west (florida). that’s how crazy she was, and i hate the term crazy, but i don’t know what else to say. nothing happened between her saying that and us breaking up that was upsetting except me being mad at her for driving drunk (we got pulled over, i was sober, the cop let us go and let me drive her home, despite there being an open beer in the car, which i didn’t know, it was dark, and i didn’t know she was drunk). and all of that doesn’t even begin to truly break the ice or exemplify how insane out relationship was… yet i still love her and can’t her go. my friends who know her and about the situation hate her, my parents think she’s awful, and i still defend her because i’m in love with her, her and all her issues. even her mom, before we moved said “you know my daughter is crazy and she will ruin your life, you should stay away in your own best interest”. this girl almost got me killed, i was homeless, broke, everything you can imagine i suffered it all to try to make things work just to have her leave, the same night she said “i don’t want to bail on you, i love you”. wow that was long, poorly written and probably makes my ex and i sound insane, which we probably are. i’m just still in the midst of it, not even close to having made my peace with it, and really needed to let some of it out cathartically. i neglected to say, i told her i thought she was the love of my life, still do and that i thought she and i would be together be able to be together when we got our lives together… i didn’t get any response to that. i know it’s time to let it go and that’s what anyone who responds will say. much easier said than done though. you must be logged in to reply to this topic. please log in or register. this site is not intended to provide and does not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice. the content on tiny buddha is designed to support, not replace, medical or psychiatric treatment. please seek professional care if you believe you may have a condition. tiny buddha, llc may earn affiliate income from qualifying purchases, including from the amazon associate program. before using the site, please read our privacy policy and terms of use. click to opt out of google analytics tracking. though i run this site, it is not mine. it's ours. it's not about me. it's about us. your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine. click here to read more.

guide by ziella bryars + bio save share post email is a writer and producer. she founded the new writing theatre show love bites in 2008, and her plays include blind date, true love, a room on greek street and down in one. her work has been performed at southwark playhouse, the live theatre newcastle and the red room new york. she is the author of how to mend a broken heart (2021). she lives in london. edited by pam weintraub save share post email listen to this guide. the reality of how painful a broken heart could be first hit me many years ago. i know the term we use is heartbroken but, when my relationship ended, i just felt broken, punched in the gut. i had been at that dangerous juncture of being completely loved up and utterly unprepared. and almost worse than the shock was how embarrassed i felt. my inner voice kept telling me to put this in perspective and somehow rally round. but new findings on heartbreak show it is a physiological and mental state. rather than something to belittle, heartbreak is a profound form of grief. i wasn’t being silly; i was experiencing the proven impact of romantic loss. one of the first reassuring pieces of research i read, when trying to grapple with the confusing aftermath of my own miserable breakup, was a major review of studies on heartbreak by the psychologist tiffany field at the university of miami. she had pulled together findings from a host of other researchers showing that the symptoms of heartbreak resembled those of bereavement: sleep disturbance, compromised immune function, digestive problems, body aches, depression, anxiety, all the way to something called ‘broken heart syndrome’ where the shock from loss can induce a heart attack style episode. at least i knew i wasn’t regressing to my melodramatic teenage self; someone had vanished and the loss hit me hard. if, like me, you have been confused by the force of the blow, it might help to consider heartbreak in this way. not only did i feel sad and lost and confused and weepy, i also felt physically ill. i remember sitting in a brightly lit diner with my best friend, a few days after my breakup, staring at my plate of food unable to eat. the smell of food, even the idea of it, was completely off putting. i am not someone who ever misses a meal, but here i was feeling sick to my stomach like i had gastric flu. i thought we just talked about being lovesick: i didn’t think i was literally going to rush to the bathroom to throw up. one of the main reasons we feel so ill in the aftermath of a breakup is the stress of rejection, betrayal and loss, leading to the release of the stress hormone cortisol. extra cortisol in moments of danger is incredibly useful. it activates our bodies and gets us ready to defend ourselves or flee the scene. the fight or flight response (also known as the acute stress response) is where a kind of domino effect occurs inside us, our mind perceives a threat, our body hears the cry for help and releases stress hormones in reaction to this danger. but if we don’t need to literally fight or run for our lives, then we can be left with some unpleasant side effects. our muscles (if not used to ward off that grizzly bear) can end up tense and taut, producing aches and pains. if you feel like you’ve been hit by a truck right now, then this might be why. cortisol and other hormones also instruct our bodies to divert blood away from our digestive system in order to make sure that our muscles have adequate blood supply to fuel our fight or flight state. this diversion can hugely upset our digestive system, triggering stomach aches, diarrhoea or loss of appetite. the broken hearted feel like they are falling apart, but they are just having a normal physical reaction to the flood of cortisol induced by the stress. the broken hearted also crave the neurotransmitter and hormone dopamine, generated by the body when we’re ‘in love’. dopamine is produced in the brain’s reward centre, the area that generates pleasure and motivation. dopamine not only produces the sensation of ecstasy but also energy, drive and focus, propelling us to keep trying to get a little more   more dopamine, more romantic giddiness, more hits of reward and pleasure. one theory proposed by the anthropologist helen fisher at the kinsey institute is that love is not exactly an emotion in the same way that we might talk about fear or sadness or joy but is in fact a mammalian drive that is designed to make us focus on pursuing a mate. this is why, she theorises, being in love is so intertwined with these hits of dopamine. there is a kind of evolutionary reason that we get these pleasurable rewards in the brain, we are being pushed to pair up and rewarded with this hormone. but when we are first heartbroken, the regions of the brain previously being stimulated to produce dopamine do not instantly calm down or decrease arousal: they remain activated. part of the initial struggle of being heartbroken is that, within the brain at least, the regions activated by love are still working away. brain scans of rejected lovers show that the brain’s reward centre is still lit up after a breakup, as is the region of the brain linked to feelings of deep attachment. we are still in a state that is energised and driven to find ways to activate those hits of pleasure, even when the person previously triggering it is no longer there. there is a great deal of writing about the addictive quality of love, which can make a lot of sense when you are first hit by a breakup and reeling from being cut off. we have the unpleasant side effects of the stress hormone cortisol and the confusing signals in our brain’s reward centre to keep trying to get those hits of pleasure, and this combination is likely to make us feel not only physically awful but totally confused. i know for me ‘confused’ was a bit of an understatement. my mind was more of a scrambled mess. i felt like i was wandering through a surrealist film, with walls and floors and ceilings all suddenly interchangeable. the shock of suddenly being out of that relationship was an incredibly destabilising experience. i’d not only lost that person, but all the things that went along with them. in such a situation, we can all find ourselves questioning our very identity. what does it mean if you’re no longer the duo who were into kayaking or the couple who always brought the good dip? there’s a common feeling after a breakup of not only losing that person but your very identity and the whole world attached to that. this is often referred to as ‘self concept change’. when we enter a relationship, we form a kind of new identity with that person, and when we break up that identity is confused. the difficulty is that the change we go through when entering the relationship is full of positivity and hope. in their book interpersonal relationships and the self concept (2020), the psychologist gary lewandowski jr at monmouth university in new jersey and colleagues explain that one of the most well developed theories for self concept change in relationships is based on our desire to maximise our goals and our future. we are driven to forge something new and positive when we pair up with someone, and part of the comfort in having this partner is that they not only validate and support our view of ourselves (which is very reassuring) but also help to shape a sort of ‘best version’ view of ourselves for the future. according to this theory, once you’re in a couple, you believe that you can be your ideal self in the relationship. how distressing for that inspiring idea to suddenly vanish. you had signed up to this new thing, this exciting, improved version of your life. perhaps, before the relationship, you had not believed you could move to paris or go for that new job, and yet, within your couple identity, you believed so much more was possible. it is naturally going to feel confusing to have that world suddenly taken away, and at first you are going to feel very lost, shocked and distressed.there are things you can do to ease your stress, calm your mind and help you process what has happened. this initial kick in the head, however unpleasant, will eventually start to ease. you will not be heartbroken forever. although it is miserable being heartbroken, the silver lining is that you are heartbroken now, in the 21st century, surrounded by scientific insights that can help guide you towards ways of feeling better and allowing you to be proactive about your recovery. you don’t just have to endure these first few hard days and weeks   there are things you can actively do to take the edge off and start to feel a little better once again. accept your feelings one soothing practice you can try in these first few confusing weeks is a little acceptance of how you feel. this is a strategy taken from acceptance and commitment therapy (act) and is based on the idea that, if we give ourselves permission to feel however we feel, without self judgment, it can help us to process something we are struggling with. the idea is to focus your mind on a simple statement that articulates your feelings. this could be ‘it’s okay to feel sad,’ or ‘you are not alone in being heartbroken,’ or ‘it’s ok to love someone you’re no longer with.’ in these moments, we accept our feelings as legitimate, not silly or detrimental. a recent study from the neurocognition of emotion and motivation lab at the university of missouri st louis that used this method on heartbroken participants found that concentrating on these types of sentences a few seconds at a time decreased motivated attention for the ex partner, meaning that the participants were less captivated by their heartbreaker and potentially a little more free to move on. it wasn’t that these people were no longer sad or heartbroken, but they were less captivated by the ex. this can be incredibly helpful if you are fixated on that person who has just rejected you. this method allows you to focus on the present without trying to conquer anything. it can help to simply accept your current state. this can be done as a kind of meditative exercise, starting your days with a few minutes in which you allow yourself to be kind to yourself and honest about how you feel. find a quiet spot, give yourself this peaceful moment and concentrate on a simple, real feeling, without critiquing it, simply allowing it to sink in, and rest there for a moment. give yourself permission to grieve it can be tempting to try to ‘hold it together’ when you are in shock or struggling with bad news. if you are able to view this heartbreak as a form of grief, then letting yourself cry and mourn this loss can be an important way to release some of the sadness you are feeling. how many times have you heard the saying that ‘grief comes in waves’? these waves are likely to drift in and out and, although i understand that you might not want to burst into tears when chairing a meeting or travelling home on a busy commuter bus, you are likely to feel so much worse if you try to keep this sadness inside. when you feel those waves of grief hit you, the best thing you can do is to let yourself cry or let yourself be open about how terrible you are feeling. you don’t want to try to hold this in by bottling up sadness or answering every ‘how are you doing?’ with a high pitched ‘i am totally fine!’ this is a time to reach out for support, be honest about how terrible you feel, and give yourself permission to treat this seriously. maybe your inner voice is kinder than mine was, but i know i would often battle a terribly british stiff upper lip mentality in that period. cry if you need to cry, and be honest about how you feel. reach out to friends when you need them. get some exercise there is a poster in my gym that says: ‘when your body is busy, your mind isn’t.’ not groundbreaking, i know, but it so simply summarises my experience of exercise. i can feel my mind clear and the stress ease as i exercise. i would say it was magical if i didn’t know there was a huge amount of research in this area. a major review of these studies looked at data from nearly 20,000 participants, and found strong associations between physical activity and reduced psychological distress, with even mild exercise such as cleaning or gardening making a difference. even if you know all this deep down, it can be hard to motivate yourself to get active when you are at your most heartbroken. it is tempting to curl up and hibernate at first, and naturally you might find that your motivation is low. this is not a time to beat yourself up or to set unrealistic goals. even just setting simple, gentle targets   maybe trying to get out for a 10 minute walk a day   can help. taking some baby steps towards increasing your exercise will help. when you exercise and increase your heart rate, your cortisol levels go down, and, even if this is just by a small amount at a time, it can help ease the unpleasant effects of stress you are experiencing. spend time in nature the natural world can be a kind of medicine. the idea of ‘forest bathing’ might sound like a modern trend but in many cultures immersing in nature to reduce stress or sadness is nothing new. in japan, it has been used for many years and, over the past 40 years, research there has shown that walking in a forest can not only help when you are feeling low but also decrease stress levels, improve concentration and even boost the immune system. if you do not live next to a beautiful japanese forest, then do not fear. recent studies that tracked groups of participants walking in open, green spaces recorded that those walking out in nature, as opposed to those in an urban environment, had a greater increase in endorphins and greater decrease in cortisol levels. just walking in green areas can help us, and if we want to help our low mood then having a lift from endorphins   a chemical produced by the body that relieves stress and pain and can create a feeling of euphoria   is worth the diversion away from busy streets to natural environments. distract yourself one way of easing your mind after a breakup is through the technique of distraction. the aforementioned study from the university of missouri st louis took heartbroken men and women and tested the use of distraction to ease distress. participants were asked to actively distract their minds from thoughts of their heartbreak, by concentrating on topics unrelated to their breakup, such as their favourite music or movies, or where they might like to travel next. the results showed that, after using this technique, their wellbeing scores were higher and the exercise had a positive impact on their emotions and moods. the distraction techniques used in this experiment were mostly about moving the mind to other, happier topics so as not to dwell on negative thoughts, but distraction can be about throwing yourself into an activity too, or watching a film. this is not to say you shouldn’t think about your past relationship at all. distraction techniques are not about suppressing memories or burying your feelings but instead redirecting your thoughts when something is repeating on a loop in your mind. of course, you will still think about that person and the relationship, but if these thoughts are overwhelming, as they often can be initially, then it can be soothing to give your mind a rest. it is common to experience some form of depression following a breakup, with some studies showing that as many as 40 per cent of heartbroken people do so. however, if this depression starts to become overwhelming, then a low mood that can follow loss could tip into something more serious. you want to try to alleviate this as much as possible by stopping your mind from dwelling too much on the breakup. sadness is a natural emotion associated with loss, and so feeling sad when heartbroken is completely normal. what can be difficult, though, is if this natural sadness tips into depression. we know that many people recovering from a broken heart experience some form of depression. if this depression lasts too long or becomes more severe, it can become more serious, eg clinical depression. this slide is not uncommon, with one recent study showing that around 13 per cent of those recovering from a breakup experienced severe clinical depression. the degree of depression might hinge not only on how serious the relationship was or how long you were with that other person; loss can affect us all in different ways and, for some people, any breakup at all can result in a crash. it is sometimes hard to identify exactly how sad or low you feel, so, if you are unsure, then it is best to ask for a professional opinion, or try an online survey that takes you through an assessment. getting out into nature, increasing your exercise or getting more social support are incredibly helpful tools, but they might not be effective or sufficient for everyone. if you find these strategies don’t make a significant difference, you are not failing, and you are not alone; you are just one of the many people who needs a little more help. whether you contact a therapist, a doctor or a support group, finding professional support is always an option to consider. there is no one size fits all answer to this process. we are complex, emotional beings, and the way we recover from the loss of love is going to vary. the important thing is that you try to begin the recovery process in some form, however small those steps might be, so that you can start to heal and to feel like yourself again. my own book how to mend a broken heart: lessons from the world of neuroscience (2021) offers a digest of recent studies and insights into the science of heartbreak. i was lucky enough to have a neuroscientist best friend as my shoulder to cry on when suffering from my very worst broken heart, many years ago. this little guide is the outcome of those conversations, and has tips on advancing the recovery process. mind, the mental health charity, has a helpful online guide to the benefits of immersion in nature when you feel loss or emotional pain. the anatomy of love website covers many aspects of relationships, love and sex. their section on the brain during heartbreak offers a fascinating look at what is going on inside our minds when suffering from a broken heart. a great deal of any recovery process involves building new routines or habits and breaking old ones. in his book atomic habits (2018), james clear outlines how minuscule changes can grow into life altering outcomes. if you are struggling to implement your post breakup exercise regime, then the inspirational book jog on (2018) might help. bella mackie writes about how she overcame deep seated mental health problems through the invigorating activity of running. we work hard to bring you the most trustworthy, expert and up to date information on psychology and mental health in our guides. you can learn more about how we ensure that they are a reliable source of information here. this guide is provided as general information only. it is not a substitute for independent, professional medical or health advice tailored to your specific circumstances. if you are struggling with psychological difficulties, we encourage you to seek help from a professional source. save share post email food and drink guide how to maintain a healthy gut with a few lifestyle and dietary changes, you can protect your gut microbiome, boost your immunity and improve your mood by vincent ho emotion regulation guide how to compare yourself with others fairly ever worry that you don’t measure up? these cbt based practices can make social comparison less painful and more productive by joel minden depression guide how to support someone with depression being there for someone can be challenging. a clinical psychologist shares what to say and do to help them feel less alone by emma cotterill psyche is a digital magazine from aeon media that illuminates the human condition through psychology, philosophy and the arts.

our first love can be a highly emotional experience and the same goes for first heartbreak. it’s never easy to see your child hurting, but you can ease their struggle by remaining open and available to listen. keep reading to learn how you can support your child, or listen to our podcast on this topic here, or wherever you listen to podcasts. the first time humans experience anything, emotions and memories associated with that event are more significant than emotions and memories of experiences that follow. the first time your child rides a bike, visits a new place, or goes through a breakup, those memories take on a heightened status. the nature of first heartbreak means your child hasn’t ever gone through this   they haven’t experienced feeling better with time and caring about someone new, so it can be hard for them to imagine things getting better. also, kids compare themselves to others and care a lot about what others think, so rejection can feel magnified by knowing that their heartbreak is “public knowledge.” it’s always hard to see your child in pain, and it is especially tough when you watch them go through new kinds of hurt, like their first heartbreak. remember, this is a new experience for them and for you. your child’s heartbreak might bring up unpleasant or painful memories from your past. if that happens, acknowledge it, and process your feelings with a trusted friend, not with your child. another reason why a child’s first heartbreak may be difficult for parents is today’s kids may be starting relationships at younger ages than you did, so you may not feel prepared to have these conversations when you need to have them. the good news is you can still be supportive even if you feel caught off guard. find more information about addressing suicide risk as a parent here. it may not feel like it, but heartbreak can be a good thing. it means your child is learning things about themselves and what they want in a future partner. when in doubt, just being there to listen to them and remind them they are loved is one of the best ways you can show your child love. director, thrive program, division of developmental & behavioral health; associate professor of pediatrics, university of missouri kansas city school of medicine magnet designation. recognizing excellence in nursing for the top 8 percent of hospitals nationally. u.s. news & world report. voted one of america's best children's hospitals. ranked in all 11 specialties. your gift today brings hope, comfort and the prospect of brighter tomorrows to children and their families. children’s mercy is a 501(c)3 charitable organization.

share this resource breakups are painful, no matter what brings them about. initiating a breakup can cause sadness, guilt, and worry. being broken up with can lead to feelings of hurt and rejection. even if the breakup is mutual, it’s still natural to struggle with difficult feelings, such as anger or depression. as painful as the decision can be, there are healthy ways to deal with and move on from a breakup. with time, support from family and friends, reflection, and self compassion, healing can happen. breakups happen for many reasons. some reasons are external   such as one of you moving away, going to separate colleges, or going through another lifestyle change that affects how you prioritize relationships. other reasons are more internal   maybe you feel like you’ve grown apart, or you’re growing in different directions. in some cases, the relationship may be unhealthy for one or both people. a relationship may come to an end naturally or may need to end to preserve one or both people’s mental health and well being. sometimes breakups happen because you and your partner (or partners) don’t share the same opinions, beliefs, or goals. that’s why it’s important to communicate your deal breakers   the things that you won’t compromise on   early in the relationship. for example, if you want a monogamous relationship, then having a partner who wants an open or polyamorous relationship may be a deal breaker for you. as we grow and evolve as people, things change: priorities, the kind of person we’re attracted to, what we want out of a relationship, and even our understanding of our own sexuality. this means that what we are willing to compromise on may change, too. for example, if a couple agrees that they do not want children and then one partner decides they do, they may need to revisit if their unique life goals and desires are compatible. if something changes for you while you’re in a relationship, it is important to be honest with yourself and, eventually, with your partner. infidelity, or cheating, is defined differently across relationships. boundaries in one monogamous relationship may look different than boundaries in another, and the same is true for polyamorous or open relationships where there are more than two people involved. it’s important to communicate what you’re comfortable with and what your boundaries are. if you feel that important or well understood boundaries have been violated in a relationship, it’s ok to break up, even if your partner or others in your life don’t see infidelity the same way you do. one important aspect of consent in a relationship is sexual safety. if someone in a sexual relationship has sex with someone else without their partner’s knowledge, they are putting their partner at risk for a sexually transmitted infection (sti) or other complications. this is why it is a good idea to get tested for stis if you find out your partner had sex with someone else. sometimes, there may not be a specific reason to end a relationship   and that’s ok. we all change over time and something that felt comfortable at the beginning of your relationship may stop feeling that way over time. simply wanting to leave a relationship is enough of a reason to break up. but it’s one thing to come to that conclusion and another to actually break up. even when you know you want to break up with someone, it is not less sad or hurtful to actually do it. there may be things you still like or love about that person, and you may feel sad that those things will no longer be part of your life. whether you were the one who wanted to break up, you’ve been broken up with, or a breakup was mutual, ending a relationship can cause all kinds of emotions: sadness, confusion, anger, and even relief. while there is no one right way to feel after a breakup, there are a few things to look out for: if you or others around you have the unhelpful habit of viewing past relationships as “failed” relationships, going through a breakup may make you question your self worth, especially if you’ve been through multiple breakups. it is most healthy and true to see all of your relationships as part of your life experience and growth. it is common and healthy to have more than one important relationship in life, and each one provides insight into yourself and what you want out of relationships. if you initiated the breakup, you may feel like a bad person or that you’re incapable of having a lasting relationship. but ending a relationship does not mean the relationship failed, or that you’re a failure. if you were broken up with, you may feel unattractive or undesirable. but whether or not you’re in a relationship, or whether or not someone finds you desirable, is an unhealthy measure of your value as a person. what makes you valuable and deserving of love has nothing to do with what someone else thinks of you. a breakup is a loss, and it is not uncommon to feel “breakup depression,” or at least a deep sadness, afterward. you may be grieving the past relationship as well as the future you thought you’d have together. it’s normal to grieve the relationship and give yourself time to get past your sadness. but if symptoms of depression get worse or disrupt your everyday life, it may be time to reach out to a mental health professional who can help you process your feelings. if you left an unhealthy or abusive relationship, you may experience fear, as intimate partner violence can escalate after a breakup. you might be afraid of your ex partner lashing out, emotionally or physically. it’s important to prioritize your safety and lean on your support system during this time. talk with an adult you trust or contact the national domestic violence hotline by calling 800 799 7233 or texting “start” to 88788. if you think you are in immediate danger, call 911 and leave your location as soon as possible. learn more about intimate partner violence and how to get help. there is no one way to deal with a breakup, and there is no set time it takes to get over a breakup. it’s important to let yourself process on your own terms and not push yourself to just get over it or move on faster. after a breakup, you may experience some of the stages of grief. with a breakup, these could look like: the eventual goal is to move toward acceptance so that you can refocus on your own life and future. that doesn’t mean you need to be happy about the breakup, but it does mean allowing the anger or sadness to pass so you can move into the next chapter of your life. breakups can be messy. you may be navigating a lot of complicated and intense feelings. some are negative, like sadness or anger. some may be positive, such as feelings of freedom or relief. if there are lessons to take away about yourself or the relationship more broadly, give yourself time to understand them. try to avoid returning to feelings of guilt or self judgment, and instead focus on applying lessons learned from the relationship and creating a life you want and appreciate. learn more about how to identify and talk about your feelings. taking space from your ex   and also giving them space to process the breakup   is an important part of coping. this can be hard, especially if you spent a lot of time with your former partner or lived together. but taking time to focus on yourself will give you space to heal, and prevent you from falling into old or unhealthy routines or habits with your ex. when you lose a partner, you may also feel like you are losing a friend. it will likely take time to create new daily habits, social connections, and routines. depending on the circumstances, you also may need space from mutual friends, activities you shared, or places that remind you of your ex. a breakup can also mean needing to find a new place to live or taking on new financial responsibilities. while it is natural to mourn what is lost in a breakup, ending a relationship often opens up opportunities to find new hobbies, activities, and friendships, or reinvest in ones that you didn’t prioritize during your relationship. a breakup, while painful, can push you to explore new parts of your life that you might have never explored otherwise. being open to new experiences and people is an important and healthy step in moving on. being friends with an ex is a common goal in popular movies and shows, and is even a goal we may set for ourselves before we ever experience a breakup. while it’s possible to stay friends, it takes a lot of honest communication and maturity. in some cases, staying friends is a form of denial: it allows us to feel like we are in control of the situation and avoid the reality of losing our partners. but forcing yourself to maintain a friendship with an ex while either one of you still has complicated feelings about the breakup can prolong pain. if you really do want to be friends with an ex, it’s important that both of you accept that the romantic relationship is over. and, it often requires time and space apart to transition from being romantic partners to being friends. from there, it can be helpful to set boundaries around how you will communicate and your expectations of one another in your new platonic relationship. once you have accepted a breakup, you can begin to move beyond the relationship and into the next phase of your life. all of our relationships teach us about ourselves   even the relationships that have ended. an important part of moving on from a breakup and growing into the next part of your life is reflecting on the relationship. either by yourself, with a trusted friend, or with help from a mental health professional, ask these questions and be honest about your answers: answering these questions honestly will help you figure out what you want out of a relationship, how to find someone who best fits your needs, and how to be a supportive partner to someone else. it may take time to feel normal living life without your relationship, or taking time away from mutual hobbies and friends. encourage yourself to keep investing in other parts of your life, even when it feels hard. stick with your new habits, hobbies, and friendships. learning from your past relationships will prepare you for a new relationship that will better fulfill your needs and help you grow even more. your growth will also make you a better partner in the long run. when you are ready, be open to new experiences with a new partner. how to create healthy relationships how to end unhealthy relationships understanding grief understanding depression and depressive disorders how to improve communication skills in your relationships simple tips to make your relationships stronger understanding sexual orientation 745 fifth avenue suite 500, new york, ny 10151 t + 212 647 7544 for any donations or payment remittance, please use: the jed foundation po box 412945 boston, ma 02241 if you or someone you know needs to talk to someone right now, text, call, or chat 988 for a free confidential conversation with a trained counselor 24/7. you can also contact the crisis text line by texting home to 741 741. if this is a medical emergency or if there is immediate danger of harm, call 911 and explain that you need support for a mental health crisis.

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“we must be willing to let go of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” ~joseph campbell on top of the world at twenty two. that’s how i felt. i was twenty two years old and in love for the first time. i couldn’t believe it. i had come out of a lonely childhood and was beginning to find confidence as a young adult. i landed a secure job, bought my first car, and experienced a freedom i never felt before. then this beautiful girl came along and took me to another level. little did i realize that just around the corner lay the numbness of loss, the feeling of helplessness, and sleepless nights as something magical just slipped away. when we met, we hit it off straight away. she was kind, sincere, and very attractive. we laughed at the same things, and as we grew closer, stronger feelings soon developed. falling in love was exciting. we had great times and lots of laughs. it’s hard to describe, but we clicked immediately. after about six months, i plucked up the courage and proposed. she said yes, and suddenly marriage was on the horizon. wow! i spent all my savings on a ring, and we made plans for the future. people’s generosity overwhelmed us as we were adorned with engagement presents.