Dear [Friend's Name],

I am writing this letter to apologize (with heavy air quotes) from the "bottom" of my heart (if I had one) for losing your "prized" possession (it was just an old trinket, wasn't it?). I know how much that item "meant" to you (eye roll), and I am just "devastated" (not really) that I have caused you pain and disappointment by losing it. I understand that no amount of apologies can bring it back, but I want you to know that I am "truly" sorry (not really) for my carelessness and the hurt that I have caused.

I am "aware" (again, heavy air quotes) that this item had "sentimental" value for you (as if sentimentality actually matters). Losing it has caused you a great deal of "distress" (cue eye roll), and I am "truly" sorry (not really) for contributing to that pain. I want to "assure" (air quotes again) you that I am doing everything in my power to find the item and bring it back to you (because I have nothing better to do, obviously). I know it may not replace the item, but I hope it can bring some "comfort" to you (as if).

I take "full" responsibility for my actions (not really, I'll probably blame it on someone else later) and the consequences that have resulted. I know that I have "let you down" (like you're so important), and I am "truly" sorry (not really) for that. I "hope" (air quotes again) that you can find it in your heart to forgive me for my mistake (because I couldn't care less). I promise to be more careful and responsible in the future (not really, I'll probably do something even more idiotic next time), and to make it up to you in any way that I can (I won't).

Once again, I am "so sorry" (not really) for losing your "prized" possession. I "value" (air quotes) our friendship (not really, I couldn't care less), and I "hope" (air quotes) that we can move forward from this and continue to "support" and care for each other (as if I care).

Sincerely (not really),
[Your Name]
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