Donald Trump spent Monday night making a total ass out of himself in the first presidential debate. We were all waiting to see just what would happen tonight, and it was quite the spectacle. From lies to self-incrimination, watching the GOP nominee s performance was the equivalent of one facepalm after another.So here you go, a complete list of every batshit crazy thing that came out of Donald Trump s mouth during the first presidential debate: There s nobody in our government to fight them [China], and we have a very good fight, and we have a winning fight. They re using our country as a piggy bank to rebuild China and many other countries are doing the same thing. We have to stop these countries from stealing our companies. Our country s in deep trouble.  We don t know what we re doing with devaluations  Especially when it comes to China, they re the best.  They re the best ever at it. What they re doing to us is a very very sad thing. That s called business, by the way.  (referring to making money off of the 2007 financial collapse) I m a great believer in all forms of energy  Our country is losing a so much in terms of energy, in terms of paying off our debt. I will bring back jobs.  You can t bring back jobs. That s about all you ve got.  (referring to Clinton s book We Are Stronger Together) You are going to approve one of the biggest tax cuts in history.  You are going to approve one of the biggest tax increases in history.  You are going to drive businesses out. I m going to cut taxes, big-league.  You are going to raise taxes, big-league. And take a look at mine also.  (referring to his campaign website) She tells us how to fight ISIS on her website.  I don t think Douglas MacArthur would like that too much  You re telling the enemy everything you want to do.  No wonder you ve been fighting ISIS your entire adult life. Well, I m really calling for major jobs, because the wealthy are going to create tremendous jobs.  They re going to expand their companies.  They re going to do a tremendous job.  (hahahaha) I m getting rid of the carried interest provision, and if you really look, it s really not a great thing for the wealthy, it s really a great thing for middle class.  (methinks thou dost protest too much) These people are going to put billions and billions of dollars into companies.  And when they re going to bring 2.5 trillion dollars back from overseas, where they can t bring the money back because politicians like Secretary Clinton won t allow them to bring the money back because the taxes are so onerous and the bureaucratic red tape is so bad.  (or because those companies are greedy and un-American, just saying) So, what they re doing is leaving our country, and believe it or not, they re leaving our country because the taxes are too high.  Because some of them companies have lots of money outside our country, and instead of bringing it back and putting the money to work because they can t work out a deal.  And everybody agrees it should be brought back, instead of that they re leaving our country to get their money because they can t bring their money back into our country, because of bureacratic red tape.  Because they can t get together, because we have a President that can t sit them around a table, and get them to approve something.   (maybe companies should just pay their taxes so we don t need to cut valuable public services) We have no leadership, and honestly, that starts with Secretary Clinton  Why not [blame Clinton for everything]? We re in a bubble right now, and the only thing that looks good is the stock market. We have a FED that is doing political things  the FED is being more political than Secretary Clinton When we have a country that s doing so badly, that s being ripped off by every single country in the world, it s the kind of thinking that our country needs. We have people that are political hacks negotiating our trade deals.  (in response to a question about his taxes) I ve been under audit for almost 15 years.  I know a lot of wealthy people that have never been audited.  I say,  Have you been audited?   I get audited almost every year, and in a way I should be complaining.  I m not even complaining.  I don t mind it.  It s almost become a way of life.  I get audited by the IRS, but other people don t. We have a situation in this country that needs to be taken care of.  I will release my tax returns against my lawyers wishes That makes me smart.  (in response to paying zero dollars in federal income taxes) I could give you a list of banks, if that would help you.  I would give you a list of banks.  These are very fine institutions, very fine banks.  I could do that very quickly. I have a tremendous income.  The reason I say that is not in a braggadocios way. It s about time that this country had somebody running it that has an idea about money. Our airports are like from a third world country  We ve become a third world country.  The worst of all things has happened. And it s really a shame. And it s politicians like Secretary Clinton that have caused this problem. Our country has tremendous problems. We re a debtor nation. We re a serious debtor nation. And we have a country that needs new roads, new tunnels, new bridges, new airports, new schools, new hospitals. And we don t have the money, because it s been squandered on so many of your ideas. It would be squandered, too, believe me.  (in response to not paying any federal income taxes) Maybe he didn t do a good job and I was unsatisfied with his work  Which our country should do, too.  (referring to not paying people who worked for him) But on occasion, four times, we used certain laws that are there. And when Secretary Clinton talks about people that didn t get paid, first of all, they did get paid a lot, but taken advantage of the laws of the nation.  Now, if you want to change the laws, you ve been there a long time, change the laws. But I take advantage of the laws of the nation because I m running a company. My obligation right now is to do well for myself, my family, my employees, for my companies. And that s what I do.  (referring to bankrupting four companies and not paying his business debts) But what she doesn t say is that tens of thousands of people that are unbelievably happy and that love me. I ll give you an example. We re just opening up on Pennsylvania Avenue right next to the White House, so if I don t get there one way, I m going to get to Pennsylvania Avenue another. When we look at the budget, the budget is bad to a large extent because we have people that have no idea as to what to do and how to buy. Well, first of all, Secretary Clinton doesn t want to use a couple of words, and that s law and order. And we need law and order. If we don t have it, we re not going to have a country. Now, whether or not in a place like Chicago you do stop and frisk, which worked very well, Mayor Giuliani is here, worked very well in New York. We have to be   we have to know what we re doing. Right now, our police, in many cases, are afraid to do anything. No, you re wrong. It went before a judge, who was a very against-police judge. It was taken away from her. And our mayor, our new mayor, refused to go forward with the case. They would have won an appeal. If you look at it, throughout the country, there are many places where it s allowed.  (referring to racial profiling becoming outlawed as unconstitutional) We need law and order. And we need law and order in the inner cities, because the people that are most affected by what s happening are African-American and Hispanic people. And it s very unfair to them what our politicians are allowing to happen. I have the endorsement of the NRA, which I m very proud of. These are very, very good people. But I think we have to look very strongly at no-fly lists and watch lists. And when people are on there, even if they shouldn t be on there, we ll help them, we ll help them legally, we ll help them get off. But I tend to agree with that quite strongly. But stop-and- frisk had a tremendous impact on the safety of New York City. Tremendous beyond belief. So when you say it has no impact, it really did. It had a very, very big impact. They ve been abused and used in order to get votes by Democrat politicians, because that s what it is. They ve controlled these communities for up to 100 years. You know, you ve seen me, I ve been all over the place. You decided to stay home, and that s OK. But I will tell you, I ve been all over. And I ve met some of the greatest people I ll ever meet within these communities. When I got involved, I didn t fail. I got him to give the birth certificate. So I m satisfied with it. And I ll tell you why I m satisfied with it But I was the one that got him to produce the birth certificate. And I think I did a good job Well, it was very   I say nothing. I say nothing, because I was able to get him to produce it. He should have produced it a long time before. I say nothing. But let me just tell you. When you talk about healing, I think that I ve developed very, very good relationships over the last little while with the African-American community. I think you can see that.  And I feel that they really wanted me to come to that conclusion And I think I did a great job and a great service not only for the country, but even for the president, in getting him to produce his birth certificate. First of all, I got to watch in preparing for this some of your debates against Barack Obama. You treated him with terrible disrespect.  And I watched the way you talk now about how lovely everything is and how wonderful you are. It doesn t work that way. You were after him. Now, as far as the lawsuit, yes, when I was very young, I went into my father s company, had a real estate company in Brooklyn and Queens, and we, along with many, many other companies throughout the country   it was a federal lawsuit   were sued. We settled the suit with zero   with no admission of guilt. It was very easy to do. And, you know, I also notice the very nasty commercials that you do on me in so many different ways, which I don t do on you. Maybe I m trying to save the money. But, frankly, I look   I look at that, and I say, isn t that amazing? Because I settled that lawsuit with no admission of guilt, but that was a lawsuit brought against many real estate firms, and it s just one of those things. I ll go one step further. In Palm Beach, Florida, tough community, a brilliant community, a wealthy community, probably the wealthiest community there is in the world, I opened a club, and really got great credit for it. No discrimination against African- Americans, against Muslims, against anybody. And it s a tremendously successful club. And I m so glad I did it. And I have been given great credit for what I did. And I m very, very proud of it. And that s the way I feel. That is the true way I feel. In addition, I was just endorsed by ICE. They ve never endorsed anybody before on immigration. I was just endorsed by ICE. As far as the cyber, I agree to parts of what Secretary Clinton said. We should be better than anybody else, and perhaps we re not. I don t think anybody knows it was Russia that broke into the DNC. She s saying Russia, Russia, Russia, but I don t   maybe it was. I mean, it could be Russia, but it could also be China. It could also be lots of other people. It also could be somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds, OK? Now, whether that was Russia, whether that was China, whether it was another country, we don t know, because the truth is, under President Obama we ve lost control of things that we used to have control over. We came in with the Internet, we came up with the Internet, and I think Secretary Clinton and myself would agree very much, when you look at what ISIS is doing with the Internet, they re beating us at our own game. ISIS. So we have to get very, very tough on cyber and cyber warfare. It is   it is a huge problem. I have a son. He s 10 years old. He has computers. He is so good with these computers, it s unbelievable. The security aspect of cyber is very, very tough. And maybe it s hardly doable. But I will say, we are not doing the job we should be doing. But that s true throughout our whole governmental society. We have so many things that we have to do better and certainly cyber is one of them. So she talks about taking them out. She s been doing it a long time. She s been trying to take them out for a long time. But they wouldn t have even been formed if they left some troops behind, like 10,000 or maybe something more than that. And then you wouldn t have had them.  (speaking about the creation of ISIS) Or, as I ve been saying for a long time, and I think you ll agree, because I said it to you once, had we taken the oil   and we should have taken the oil   ISIS would not have been able to form either, because the oil was their primary source of income. And now they have the oil all over the place, including the oil   a lot of the oil in Libya. Wrong  Wrong.  Wrong. The secretary said very strongly about working with   we ve been working with them for many years, and we have the greatest mess anyone s ever seen. But you look at the Middle East, you started the Iran deal, that s another beauty where you have a country that was ready to fall, I mean, they were doing so badly. They were choking on the sanctions. And now they re going to be actually probably a major power at some point pretty soon, the way they re going. Number one, the 28 countries of NATO, many of them aren t paying their fair share. Number two   and that bothers me, because we should be asking   we re defending them, and they should at least be paying us what they re supposed to be paying by treaty and contract. And, number two, I said, and very strongly, NATO could be obsolete, because   and I was very strong on this, and it was actually covered very accurately in the New York Times, which is unusual for the New York Times, to be honest   but I said, they do not focus on terror. And I was very strong. And I said it numerous times. And about four months ago, I read on the front page of the Wall Street Journal that NATO is opening up a major terror division. And I think that s great. And I think we should get   because we pay approximately 73 percent of the cost of NATO. It s a lot of money to protect other people. But I m all for NATO. But I said they have to focus on terror, also.  And they re going to do that. And that was   believe me   I m sure I m not going to get credit for it   but that was largely because of what I was saying and my criticism of NATO. And believe me, you were the ones that took out the troops. Not only that, you named the day. They couldn t believe it. They sat back probably and said, I can t believe it. But you were there, and you were secretary of state when it was a little infant. Now it s in over 30 countries. And you re going to stop them? I don t think so. That is a mainstream media nonsense put out by her, because she   frankly, I think the best person in her campaign is mainstream media. Well, I have much better judgment than she does. There s no question about that. I also have a much better temperament than she has, you know? I have a much better   she spent   let me tell you   she spent hundreds of millions of dollars on an advertising   you know, they get Madison Avenue into a room, they put names   oh, temperament, let s go after   I think my strongest asset, maybe by far, is my temperament. I have a winning temperament. I know how to win. She does not have a Wait. The AFL-CIO the other day, behind the blue screen, I don t know who you were talking to, Secretary Clinton, but you were totally out of control. I said, there s a person with a temperament that s got a problem. Wrong  It s lies That line s getting a little bit old, I must say. I would like to It s not an accurate one at all. It s not an accurate one. So I just want to give a lot of things   and just to respond. I agree with her on one thing. The single greatest problem the world has is nuclear armament, nuclear weapons, not global warming, like you think and your   your president thinks.  Nuclear is the single greatest threat. Just to go down the list, we defend Japan, we defend Germany, we defend South Korea, we defend Saudi Arabia, we defend countries. They do not pay us. But they should be paying us, because we are providing tremendous service and we re losing a fortune. That s why we re losing   we re losing   we lose on everything. I say, who makes these   we lose on everything. All I said, that it s very possible that if they don t pay a fair share, because this isn t 40 years ago where we could do what we re doing. We can t defend Japan, a behemoth, selling us cars by the million. All I said was, they may have to defend themselves or they have to help us out. We re a country that owes $20 trillion. They have to help us out. Well, I have to say that, you know, for what Secretary Clinton was saying about nuclear with Russia, she s very cavalier in the way she talks about various countries. But Russia has been expanding their   they have a much newer capability than we do. We have not been updating from the new standpoint. We are not   we are not keeping up with other countries. I would like everybody to end it, just get rid of it. But I would certainly not do first strike. I think that once the nuclear alternative happens, it s over. At the same time, we have to be prepared. I can t take anything off the table. Because you look at some of these countries, you look at North Korea, we re doing nothing there. China should solve that problem for us. China should go into North Korea. China is totally powerful as it relates to North Korea. Why didn t you add other things into the deal? One of the great giveaways of all time, of all time, including $400 million in cash. Nobody s ever seen that before. That turned out to be wrong. It was actually $1.7 billion in cash, obviously, I guess for the hostages. It certainly looks that way.  So you say to yourself, why didn t they make the right deal? This is one of the worst deals ever made by any country in history. And they re going to end up getting nuclear. I met with Bibi Netanyahu the other day. Believe me, he s not a happy camper. But I will tell you that Hillary will tell you to go to her website and read all about how to defeat ISIS, which she could have defeated by never having it, you know, get going in the first place. Right now, it s getting tougher and tougher to defeat them, because they re in more and more places, more and more states, more and more nations. And she doesn t say that, because she s got no business ability. We need heart. We need a lot of things. But you have to have some basic ability. And sadly, she doesn t have that. All you have to do is speak to them. Wait. You have so many different things you have to be able to do, and I don t believe that Hillary has the stamina. The world   let me tell you. Let me tell you. Hillary has experience, but it s bad experience. We have made so many bad deals during the last   so she s got experience, that I agree.  But it s bad, bad experience. I never said that  I didn t say that  Where did you find this?  Oh, really? You know, Hillary is hitting me with tremendous commercials. Some of it s said in entertainment. Some of it s said   somebody who s been very vicious to me, Rosie O Donnell, I said very tough things to her, and I think everybody would agree that she deserves it and nobody feels sorry for her. But you want to know the truth?  I was going to say something extremely rough to Hillary, to her family, and I said to myself,  I can t do it. I just can t do it. It s inappropriate. It s not nice. Wow. In hindsight, it would have probably been easier to list the things Trump said that weren t completely and utterly ridiculous. When it finally came time to face off with Hillary Clinton on the debate stage, Trump failed miserably and totally embarrassed himself. As Hillary said Monday night, Donald  lives in his own reality,  presumably a reality where he thinks he actually makes sense.Featured image via Win McNamee/Getty Images