I'm concerned about my boyfriend. I suffer from anxiety, but I always have this feeling he wants to hurt me because he told me he was interested in BDSM intercourse. We haven't tried it, but I've had this feeling he always wants to.
Hello! Thank you for your question. There are few things that people find more personal than their sexual relationships. When we feel connected to our partner, sex can be best thing since sliced bread. However, if we feel disconnected in some way, sex can feel degrading and even painful. I dont know the specifics about your relationship or how comfortable you are in talking to your boyfriend, but this is one of those situations where communicating your fears is a good idea. The only exception to that would be if you believe he is actually a threat to you in some way. If you believe that, then you should do whatever you think is safe. It sounds like there is a part of you that is already afraid of him, and if that is the case then remaining safe is your top priority. Assuming you are able to share with him your feelings, telling him what you are and are not interested in sexually is very appropriate and sexually healthy. Sex is something that is supposed to be enjoyable for all parties. All parties should feel respected and able to say no to absolutely anything they are not comfortable with. I call the respectful agreement between sexual partners, sex trust. Sex Trust means your partner respects your boundaries. It means they wont degrade you sexually with hurtful words, forced sex, or forcing or coercing sex in ways someone is not interested in having. Your personal safety and mental well-being is what is most important. Now, if there is a part of you that is curious about BDSM and may be interested in participating in it, there are many websites that you can explore to learn information. I will warn you, some websites and articles are better or worse than others, but you may at least feel more informed. Many people engage in BDSM and have happy relationships, but again, it completely depends on what each person in the relationship wants. It is also important to know that BDSM is notjust one thing and people practice it differently based on comfort. If it is something you are uncomfortable with, then you shouldnt feel obligated to do it. I hope this was helpful. Be well. Robin J. Landwehr, DBH, LPC, NCC