I feel like I'm trying to convince myself that I'm okay when I'm not. I'm always blocking out the bad things and forgetting. I also feel like nobody cares for me and they never will. I feel truly alone.
I can relate! When things are going badly, I feel like my life has always been and will always be that way. (But I also do this when things are going well. That is, I forget how good things can turn bad. Personally, to avoid this emotional roller-coaster, I try and heed the famous advice by author and feminist Rita Mae Brown: "One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory."So maybe this weakness of your for forgetting is really a strength! It sounds a lot like living in the moment to me. And while its hard to manage my past and my future, the moment seems like a small enough piece of temporal real estate to sort out. So thats the what of my answer. The how goes like this: Choose one from column A, two from column B, and three from column C in the following chart. Then try doing them for as long as you can. Then see what happens.A B CGratitude Forgiveness AppreciationExpectations Meditation ExerciseBitterness Distraction Volunteering Resentment Substances WorryRegret Possessions PessimismShame Desire SuperstitionRage Isolation WishingSelf-loathing Criticism WithholdingIf you feel as though what you think and believe are out of your control, or that your values were imposed on you, or that nothing good will ever happen again, then we will have to respectfully disagree. Youve ask a very deep and insightful question, proving that your hope has gotten you this far. Hang onto that hope because Im an example of things working out despite my previous way of looking at my life.Instead of convincing yourself that youre okay when youre not, how about calling it accepting yourself as okay just the way you are, without judging your okayness. You probably have high standards (perfectionism?) and thats a thing to talk with a counselor about. The opposite of perfect is not horrible. Its called good enough.Blocking out the bad things and forgetting is as natural as eating and sleeping. All the other mammals do it (except when it comes to life-threatening bad things) so why shouldnt we? This might be called optimism. Feeling alone and uncared for is a worse feeling than being despised. This is good! This means (I suppose) that you dont despise yourself as much as you just dont care for you (because we can often project our own self-beliefs onto others). This is an abstract concept that will take some time to get used to. But I have a suspicion that, with just a little more self-care, and a little more caring for others, you might be better off very soon.