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11 January 2011

You Can Never Have Too Much Testosterone, Seriously

Have you ever been at a county fair, minding your own business, earing one of those 5 lb turkey legs and debating on whether the freakshow would be worth the $10 admission, when all of the sudden you're accosted by a drunken Irishman screaming "Black's the white of my eye!  Who here will tell me that it's fucking not?"  Did you notice a massive all-in brawl thereafter, with a bunch of people kicking the fuck out of one another simply for the sake of a good round of fustigation?


No?  


That's likely because modern testosterone levels are depressingly low.  Though that shit used to occur with some regularity in places like Ireland in the 19th Century, good natured fisticuffs have sadly gone the way of the cocaine-infused soft drink and personal freedom in general.  In fact, "Researchers in the US are finding testosterone levels to be substantially lower -- by about 15 to 20% -- than they were fifteen years ago. Scandinavian studies show similar declines, and in younger men too; a man born in 1970, for example, had about 20 percent less testosterone at 35 than a man of his father's generation at the same age."  (Newswire)  Though people might wonder why this is occurring, it's pretty easy to see that the shift to eunuchs from actual males is a bit of social engineering by the state- the combination of environmental toxins, government subsidized estrogen supplements in the form of soy, criminalization of manly pastimes, and the criminalization of nearly any exogenous substance clinically proven to raise test levels (while estrogenic substances like weed are being decriminalized) would put this ball of shit squarely in the government's court.  Sweden actually took it a step further, mandating that couples would lose two months of maternity leave unless the father was the one who took it.  This, of course, in spite of the fact that men can't fucking breastfeed, can they?  Oh wait, they can.  A spate of articles written in the last ten years attest to this fact.


To recap:  We're fucked.


In spite of the multitudinous articles written of late demonizing testosterone as the root of all evil, and a carefully constructed international psychosis regarding the use of testosterone enhancing substances, testosterone is actually a tremendously good thing.  It improves, among other things (Pennebaker and McKay):

  • vocabulary (most notably words with more than 6 letters)
  • sex drive
  • aggression
  • physical strength
  • longevity
  • competitive spirit
  • metabolism
  • energy
... all the while reducing the levels of bullshit in your life like (Pennebaker):

  • depression
  • anxiety
  • preoccupation with money
  • thoughts of death 

In other words, testosterone is all that is good in the world.  I've detailed a wide array of methods for increasing your testosterone in previous blogs and I've got a few new additions to the mix listed below:
If Sarah B's your sister, you're probably getting your arm ripped off and then getting beaten to death with it.
  • Win, and root for winners.  Testosterone increases in winners, helping them to push harder for greater advantage, while reducing in losers to protect them from further losses.  (Bates)  Rooting for losers also results in a marked reduction in test levels, so maybe it's time to burn your Lions jersey and pick a team that might win a Super Bowl sometime in the next fucking century.  Does this revelation mean you should armwestle your sister?  Fuck yeah!  Actually, ripping your little sibling's arm out of the socket is a fucking stupid idea.  Make a habit of winning and rooting for winners, though, or you might find yourself coming home to watch someone bang your wife in front of you in the future.  Incidentally, that would make you a cuckold.  In Italy, throwing the goat at someone is an illegal hand signal indicating that the recipient is a cuckold, so if you're at a metal show there, throw up the claw instead or you'll find your ass in jail.
  • Take longer rest periods in between sets.  One study showed that taking rest periods of two minutes raised test levels, while rest periods of one minute raised GH levels.  (Rahimi et al)  Frankly, this seems fucking silly to me, as other studies have shown that test and GH levels are positively correlated.  For the slow kids, that means if you raise one, you raise the other. (Faigin 11)
  • Be fucking aggressive.  Doing aggressive shit makes you more aggressive, and testosterone is positively correlated with aggression.  As such, you can literally become a perpetual motion machine of awesomeness if you structure your life right- playing Manhunt while listening to death metal and punching a heavy bag might make your balls double in size in one hour.  Actually, that's hyperbole, but that would be fucking awesome if it was true.  (Patterson and Anderson)

On a side note, ‘black's the white of my eye’, is a defunct sailor's term, that indicates that you want to fucking fight anybody nearby.  According to Encyclopedia.com, it's "an indignant rebuttal of a charge of misdemeanor and that all he has just said is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."  That's a genius fucking way of starting a fight, as it clearly makes the fight completely impersonal and invitational, which is the best way for a good-natured fight to occur.
More ideas, from past blogs:

  • Handle a gun.  This makes you more aggressive, presumably because you're holding the sum total of violent intent form every pre-gunpowder generation in your bare hands.  
  • Colors like red and black can boost your test levels, as they're awesome.  Frankly, anything associated with the A-Team should make any red-blooded American's cock hard.

  • Being alone in a room with a woman (even those you don't find attractive), causes mens' test levels to rise. I'd venture to guess this doesn't work with women whom you'd find so completely unfuckable as to cause you to consider them fodder for a trip to the camps, but apparently average looking women will do.


Teagan Pressley also raises test levels in gay men, straight women, corpses, lawnmowers, and allegedly even in Tipper Gore.
  • Enjoyable music increases dopamine levels, and dopamine levels are positively correllated with testosterone levels, so music you like (i.e. metal) will probably increase your test levels.

Additional random facts I've recently learned about testosterone:
  • The tears of women lower test levels in men.  (This is ironic, given that Genghis Khan fucked more than any other human being on Earth, and he claimed "The greatest pleasure is to vanquish your enemies and chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth and see those dear to them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters."  He had, presumably, more than enough test to overcome the dropoff found recently in scientific research.  Interestingly, the scent of tears made men think "fuck that bitch" rather than "I want to fuck that bitch" or "awwwwww".  Additionally, I found it odd that the mere sight of a crying women was found to be sexually unappealing and created a drop in test, given that I've not seen a decent deepthroat scene in my life that didn't involve some tears.  And slapping.  And vomiting.


I'm pretty sure this makes me a bad person.  Luckily, my test levels are high enough that I don't care.
  • Changing gears, competition has been shown in studies to increase test levels in women. That may or may not have something to do with the aforementioned oddity, but I'll leave that for you people to decide.  Prior to competition, womens' test levels raise far more than do their male counterparts, an average of 49% increase as opposed to a 15% increase in men.  As such, it might behoove those women still inexplicably reading this blog to start competing more, as you'll find yourselves leaner and stronger as a result.

On that note, fuckers, I'm out.  Go do something awesome.


Sources:
Anderson CA, Gentile PA, Buckly KE. Violent video game effects on children and adolescents.  New York:  Oxford University Press, 2007.
Bates, Karl.  Election Results Change Testosterone Levels.  http://www.dukenews.duke.edu/2009/10/testresult.html
Faigin, Rob.  Natural Hormone Enhancement.
Freeman, DW. Women's Tears Turn Men Off: Testosterone Study Explains Why.  http://www.cbsnews.com/8301-504763_162-20027749-10391704.html
McKay, Brett and Kate.  30 Days to a Better Man-Day 4: Increase Your Testosterone.  http://artofmanliness.com/2009/06/03/30-days-to-a-better-man-day-4-increase-your-testosterone/#ixzz1AmHdXPy6
Newswire.  Testosterone Levels Declining in Men at Younger Ages: ZRT Laboratory Hormone Tests Reflect Global Trend.  28 August 2007. http://www.redorbit.com/news/health/1048357/testosterone_levels_declining_in_men_at_younger_ages_zrt_laboratory/index.html
Patterson, AH.  Hostility Catharsis: A Naturalistic Experiment.  Paper presented at Annual APA convention.
Pennebaker JW, Groom CJ, Loew D, Dabbs JM.  Testosterone as a Social Inhibitor: Two Case Studies of the Effect of Testosterone Treatment on Language.  J Ab Psych (2004), 113, 172-175.  http://homepage.psy.utexas.edu/homepage/faculty/pennebaker/reprints/testosterone.pdf
Rahimi R, Quaderi M, Faraji H, Bourojerdi SS.  Effects of very short rest periods on hormonal responses to resistance exercise in men.  J Str Condit Res (2010) 7, 1851-1859.
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