Challenging the Truth

My therapist and I finished the program specific to PTSD in Seeking Safety by Lisa M. Najavits.  Some of it was good, some lame, but one particular exercise moved my whole life in a different direction.

We all have beliefs—things we know to be true.  But beliefs can keep us stuck if we don’t risk challenging them.  In “Discovery,” we take beliefs and create a plan to find out if they are really true.  In my first round of Discovery, I looked at how I believed I was helpless to stop getting lung infections every year.  I did two things to test that truth—I hired someone to come clean my apartment once a month to see if getting rid of dust on a regular basis would help, and I arranged to see a pulmonologist.

The effect of better housekeeping won’t show up for a while, but the pulmonologist I saw a week ago gave me some straight dope.  It’s doubtful I even have asthma (though I went through more testing earlier this week to be sure), and aside from anemia there was only one other cause for all my physical symptoms.  Obesity.

When I read that in the doctor’s report, I phased out for a bit.  Dissociated is the clinical term.  The brain protects itself by going bye-bye (My experience of dissociation feels like I’m about to faint—my hands and feet go numb, I can’t hear, and I lose time).

There’s something about food, dieting, fat and binge eating that feels too horrible to face.  If I thought I felt helpless about my lungs, the belief is multiplied a thousand fold around controlling my intake.  I can’t control it.  I never have been able to control it.  I firmly believe I never will.

But, I also knew the doctor was right.  I used to be a nurse.  I still remember a little physiology.  Increased risk of infection, higher blood pressure, skin breakdown, joint pain and damage can all be hitched to the Obesity Train.

So, I went back to Discovery, because I’m very stuck in these beliefs around food.  I talked to both Megan, my therapist and Sarah, the nurse practitioner, who are my mental health team.  We drew up a plan to test my truth, and I decided early on to say, “yes” to whatever they proposed.

Sarah suggested I try switching to a low carb/high fat diet (one diet I’d never tried).  It seems counter-intuitive, and feels really weird, but I’ve been doing it for four days now.  After eating vegan for a couple of years, it seems wrong to buy sirloin and pork cutlets.  But, I’m doing it.  I still feel like I have the flu—urpy, roiling gut, drop-dead exhaustion—but I was warned about this “adjustment period” as my metabolism switches from burning carbs to burning fat.

The compulsion to binge eat is still there, but there’s not much to binge on.  It seems easier (at least in this initial phase) to go do something else.  But, I hate the way food feels in my mind.  It’s like a rubber band that’s stretched too tight.  I don’t know that I’ve ever noticed that before—the discomfort, the pressure, the tension.  I’m seeing how I seek to be numb where food is concerned—something to explore in therapy.

I will lose weight, I always do.  It’s just that I’ve never kept it off and usually gain back more.  This feels like my last chance to figure it out.  I would love to have a toolbox for Food as comprehensive as my toolbox for Bipolar Disorder.  Pretending the problems don’t exist isn’t much of a tool.  Neither are the industry standards in nutrition.  As Sarah said, “We have to do more than think outside the box.  We have to create a whole new box.”

They’re both doing this low carb diet with me, and when I go for my appointments, we’ll do them walking around the block.  I feel like there’s a chance we could actually create something new.

Life is never what one dreams.  It is seldom what one desires, but, for the vital spirit and the eager mind, the future will always hold the search for buried treasure and the possibility of high adventure. — Ellen Glasgow

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Great ideas for increasing the joy in your life.\">The Happiness Project</a></li>\n\n\t</ul>\n</div>\n<div id=\"text-4\" class=\"widget widget_text\"><h4 class=\"widgettitle\">No Pilfering, Please</h4>\t\t\t<div class=\"textwidget\"><a rel=\"license\" href=\"http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/\"><img alt=\"Creative Commons License\" style=\"border-width:0;\" src=\"https://i1.wp.com/i.creativecommons.org/l/by-sa/3.0/88x31.png\" /></a><br />This work is licensed under a <a rel=\"license\" href=\"http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0/\">Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License</a>.</div>\n\t\t</div>\t\t<div class=\"wpcnt\">\n\t\t\t<div class=\"wpa wpmrec\">\n\t\t\t\t<span class=\"wpa-about\">Advertisements</span>\n\t\t\t\t<div class=\"u\">\n\t\t\t\t\t\t\t<div style=\"padding-bottom:15px;width:300px;height:250px;\">\n\t\t<div id=\"atatags-286348-5b0396b3e0406\">\n\t\t\t<script type=\"text/javascript\">\n\t\t\t__ATA.cmd.push(function() {\n\t\t\t\t__ATA.initSlot('atatags-286348-5b0396b3e0406',  {\n\t\t\t\t\tcollapseEmpty: 'before',\n\t\t\t\t\tsectionId: '286348',\n\t\t\t\t\twidth: 300"], "copyright__copyright__copyright": ["hole new box.\u201d\n\nThey\u2019re both doing this low carb diet with me, and when I go for my appointments, we\u2019ll do them walking around the block. \u00a0I feel like there\u2019s a chance we could actually create something new.\n\nLife is never what one dreams. \u00a0It is seldom what one desires, but, for the vital spirit and the eager mind, the future will always hold the search for buried treasure and the possibility of high adventure. \u2014 Ellen Glasgow\n\nAdvertisements\n\nBlog Stats\n\n  \u2022 147,501 hits\n%d bloggers like this:", "hole new box.\u201d\n\nThey\u2019re both doing this low carb diet with me, and when I go for my appointments, we\u2019ll do them walking around the block. \u00a0I feel like there\u2019s a chance we could actually create something new.\n\nLife is never what one dreams. \u00a0It is seldom what one desires, but, for the vital spirit and the eager mind, the future will always hold the search for buried treasure and the possibility of high adventure. \u2014 Ellen Glasgow\n\nAdvertisements\n\nBlog Stats\n\n  \u2022 147,501 hits\n%d bloggers like this:", "hole new box.\u201d\n\nThey\u2019re both doing this low carb diet with me, and when I go for my appointments, we\u2019ll do them walking around the block. \u00a0I feel like there\u2019s a chance we could actually create something new.\n\nLife is never what one dreams. \u00a0It is seldom what one desires, but, for the vital spirit and the eager mind, the future will always hold the search for buried treasure and the possibility of high adventure. \u2014 Ellen Glasgow\n\nAdvertisements\n\nBlog Stats\n\n  \u2022 147,501 hits\n%d bloggers like this:", "hole new box.\u201d\n\nThey\u2019re both doing this low carb diet with me, and when I go for my appointments, we\u2019ll do them walking around the block. \u00a0I feel like there\u2019s a chance we could actually create something new.\n\nLife is never what one dreams. \u00a0It is seldom what one desires, but, for the vital spirit and the eager mind, the future will always hold the search for buried treasure and the possibility of high adventure. \u2014 Ellen Glasgow\n\nAdvertisements\n\nBlog Stats\n\n  \u2022 147,501 hits\n%d bloggers like this:", "hole new box.\u201d\n\nThey\u2019re both doing this low carb diet with me, and when I go for my appointments, we\u2019ll do them walking around the block. \u00a0I feel like there\u2019s a chance we could actually create something new.\n\nLife is never what one dreams. \u00a0It is seldom what one desires, but, for the vital spirit and the eager mind, the future will always hold the search for buried treasure and the possibility of high adventure. \u2014 Ellen Glasgow\n\nAdvertisements\n\nBlog Stats\n\n  \u2022 147,501 hits\n%d bloggers like this:"]}