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Whenever my son gets a minor injury (scraped knee, stubbed toe, bumped head, etc.), the fastest way to get him to stop crying is to kiss wherever he got hurt.

It almost always immediately stops the crying, and when asked "does that feel better?", he'll almost always say "yes".

Why does this work? I'm interested in answers that address both the child's perspective (i.e. if a child asks why kisses from mommy and daddy make small hurts feel better, how do you answer?), and the psychological perspective as to why this approach is so effective.

Are there any down-sides to kissing injuries to make them feel better (aside from the pitfall I ran into where my son fell on his butt, then pointed to it and demanded that I kiss it, that is)?

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4 Answers 4

The major reason is because you say they do. Our brains are powerful and the placebo effect is real. Some doctors are even prescribing placebos, telling the patients "a number of studies have shown that this pill will help you" (which is true.) If a parent says something will work, it will work.

When my daughter was a preschooler her body reacted a lot to things others don't notice. One bug bite would swell her hand so she could barely use it. She was allergic to Solarcaine. I would tell her "tell your hand to stop swelling now" and she, not knowing that was a ridiculous request, would comply - and the swelling would go down. To this day "a warm cloth" and "a cold cloth" (a regular facecloth with water from the appropriate tap, squeezed out so it doesn't drip) are remedies my young adults will turn to when needed. These things help them to feel better, partly because their whole lives they were told that they would. (And partly because they genuinely do help for some maladies eg a fever is improved by a cold cloth and a bump is soothed by a warm one.)

On top of that, even adults who no longer believe in the power of a kiss from a parent do feel happier when someone acknowledges their pain, the more specifically the better, and expresses a wish for that pain to be lessened. It's true of emotional pain and it's true of physical pain too.

BTW, if you don't want to kiss the exact injury site (butts don't scare me, but maybe a scrape is oozing and gross, or a bump is very sore) you can blow it a kiss, or kiss your child's hand to let them deliver the kiss themselves. These also work as long as you are confident that they will.

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Apart from the psychological benefits that Chrys mentions (and I believe they are the most powerful part), it does actually reduce the pain response, because you're sending a competing signal (touch) to the same brain area which is processing pain. Rubbing the area helps too, also in adults (there was some research about this, I vaguely remember).

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In addition to the answers given above, bear in mind that one of the reasons they are crying in the first place is because they want attention. When you give them the kiss they are receiving the attention they are seeking, so stop crying.

You can see evidence of this by watching kids playing in playgrounds. Often a child who has bumped themselves will check to see if a parent is watching. If the parent saw them, they will start crying to get the attention they want. If no parent is watching they may well just get up and carry on playing.

Obviously, if a child has had a major knock, as opposed to a small bump, then they will cry regardless, but it is quite funny to see a child with a small knock opt for a cry having misjudged the attention level of their parents. They can become quite indignant!

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Kissing increases oxytocin which decreases stress and increases natural painkillers (opiates)

http://io9.com/5925206/10-reasons-why-oxytocin-is-the-most-amazing-molecule-in-the-world

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