Miners & Merchants Bank
IDITAROD, ALASKA
Ca-pital, $50,000.00
general Banking Business Transacted Geld Dust Bought and Assayed
Drafts Issued on Any Part of the World
SEATTLE CORRESPONDENT. SCANDINAVIAN AMERICAN DANK
TERRITORIAL DEPOSITARY
OFFICERS:
CHARLES ROSS, President
JOHN HOLMES, Vice President
R. C. BUTTON, Cashier
CHINESE HUMOR
Many people have but a vague idea of
the demarkation line between satire, humor,
wit and fun, and still fewer take Swift's
word to heart that the same story which
may sound very spirited after supper has
an insipid taste before breakfast. A man
without humor is like soup without salt,
and the character of a nation can best be
judged by the quality of its humor. Nobody
has yet thought of the thankful ta-k of
building a comparative nice psychology
upon the study of the humoristic literatures
of the various nations, but it would be
worth while.
Isaac Taylor Headland has, therefore, ren
dered no small service to the Chinese peo
ple by showing us the smiling wrinkle upon
the gloomy mask of the stern adepts of
the teachings of ihp statesmen-philosophers,
Lao-Tse and Confucius.
Most people think, indeed, that Chinese
social life is as solemn as a funeral sim
ply because the Chinaman, in all his as
sociations with foreigners, seldom loses his
demeanor of cold reserve. Even the Chi
neso kids, always remembering the lesson
in their primer to “be dignified in walking
and be orderly in gait ; never lean against
a doorpost, but in standing, stand up
straight,’1 make upon the Occidental trav
eler the impression of “little men and
“little women.” Regarding the latter, the
provocation must be a strong one, indeed,
to induce a girl of good stock to laugh
in the presence of company.
The first smile appears upon the counte
nance of the European or American in hear
ing the huckster of sweets recommend with
a stentorian voice his wares, assuring those
who will eat them in sufficient quantity
that they will be swiftly cured of blindness.
Uiuaiiess, laUil’Ul.'iK?, liruiuctf, unu irrm, IK
noronce. and so on.
And since we are at the chapter of curing,
let us not miss the following satirical nurs
ery rhyme on the Chinese doctor:
My wire's little daughter once fell verv id.
And we called for a doctor to give her a
pill.
He wrote a prescription which now wc will
give her.
In which he has ordered a mosquito's liver, ,
And then In addition the tic-art of a ilea.
And a half-pound of fly-wings to make her
some tea.
Proud of their traditional queues, the
Chinese urchins, unconsciously following the ;
example of the naughty boys of Jerusalem, I
running after the bald prophet Elisha, piti
lessly crack their most cruel jokes at the
expense of the shiny domes, male and
female.
There is a big jump from the nursery and i
street to the cemetery, but even there Chi
nese humor knows how to nestle in and
between the tombs. Thus, an amusing
etorv is told about the great Chinese phi
losopher, Chuang-Tzu. a contemporary of
Aristotle. One day he saw- a woman clad
in widow’s garb fanning a freshlv-dug grave.
By a slight cough he attracted the woman’s
attention. "What are you doing, madam, j
if I may be permitted to ask?” “It is my ’
poor husband’s grave At his death bed i
: j-a,l solemnly to promise him not to marry
again until the earth on his grave should
be dry” The old philosopher, seeing the
point, took the fan from the beautiful wid
ow's hand, flicked it a few times for her,
whereupon she modestly thanked him, re
turning to her home with unfeigned satis
faction.
We hardly think that Horace and his fam
ous description of the bore of whom the
poet could not get rid can he counted among
the favorite authors of the people with the
almond eyes. The following Chinese story
is, therefore, worth repetition, showing as
it does that, after all, the foibles of man
defy space end time:
One day our bore honored with his in
terminable presence a gentleman who did
not know how to get rid of him. So lie
got up and looked at the sky. ”t louds are
gathering,” lie said, suggestively; if will
soon rain." The importune visitor quickly
replied: "If it is going to rain I mustn’t
go; it might rain before 1 reach home, li’.c
unhappy host, after a while, arose and
1 H'ked out Mg'.in. “The clouds are scatter
ing." “All right, then; there is no need
to hurry. 1 can stay on.
I et us terminate with the following trio
of rather genuine chinoiseries: A family j
had just bought a new. large and ornamen
tal bedstead, with which it hoped to make
a deep impression upon a household recently
allied by marriage. The old lady of the
house feigned illness. The fennle head of
the allied family duly came to pay her sick
visit. But having really come for the
ourpo.-e of showing off her new pair of
postil'.- embroidered shoes, site raised her
f,„ i'm correspondingly respectable height.
- c .11.„,i ■
1 U“I1 III'- -»v mp, .;
"House mother, what illness are you suffer-|
iny from?” "I am suffering, madam, from
the same disease of the heart as yourself”
A ni;:n sent a note to a rich neighbor to
borrow an ox for a few hours. Happening
to have with him an honored guest, to
whom he was loath to show his illiteracy,
he opened the note, pretending to read it.
and with an obliging smile turned to the
messenger: “Tell your master I will come
myself, presently."
A portrait painter, who had not received
an order for a long time, was advised by
a Wf 11-meaning friend to paint a likeness
of himself and wife, sitting under the shade
of a tree, and hang it up so that people
might see and judge of his skill He did so.
One day his father-in-law came into the
shop, and casting his eye about, spied the
new picture. “Tray, son-in-law, who is
this woman you have painted here?” “Why,
sir. that is your own dear daughter.”
‘'What!” said the father, with some indig
nation. “How do you dare paint my daugh
ter sitting abroad with a stranger!” Inde
pendent.
-♦
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ACCUSES KAISER WILHELM
OF STEALING GIDEON’S STUFF
The following humorous communication
appeared in a recent issue of the Seward
G ate way:
Editor Gateway: In re “der kaiser'
quit-claiming to Mexico and Japan certain
lots, tracts and parcels of land situated in
the United States of America-- for and in
consideration of their fighting for and talc
ing it away from us—announced in last
Monday’s issue of your paper, I desire to
publicly protest, not so much against the
transfer as against the assumption by him
of originality of thought and action in the
premises. He is a plagiarist (twofold) in
this matter of “ways and means.”
At the close of our civil war Gideon
Armstrong returned to Leavenworth, Kan.,
and was “authorized and empowered" to
ride in the express and mail cars of the
Chicago. Rock Island & Pacific Railway
Company, as messenger. He was one of
those men who "never grow old,” and who
made of the world a “playground” —a fun
loving, good-living, man of “free habits,”
whom all children and dogs loved. At this
lime about one-third of Leavenworth’s pop
ulation consisted of negro refugees from
the former slave states, and only about one
of a thousand could read and write. Most
of these people (and a few “white trash"!
lived along the bank of the Missouri river;
a goodly number spent much time in skiffs
on the river, “juggin' fer catfish” and
’’kctchin' drif’wood.” sawings and lumber
which floated down at every June rise. |
Gideon offered these people a business op- |
portunity. He had about 1,000 dodgers j
printed, which read as follows:
“Wanted- 100 niggers to catch
driftwood. Give them half of
what they catch.- -Gideon Arm
strong.”
Some of the dodgers were posted m con
spicuous places and the rest scattered about
town. The few colored people who coni.I
read immediately got busy and told their
colored brethren about the “adv'tisement,
and they eagerly “rose to the fly” because
it was printed. For two or three days fol
lowing the business part of town swarmed
with colored men and boys anxiously try
ing to find “Misto Gid-e-un A’mstrong, what
wanted 100 niggers fer to ketch drifwood
an' 'ud gib 'um half wot dey kotch.” The
business eventually went into "liquid
ation.” and henceforth, until he “cashed
in,” “Gid-e-un” was always designated “the
president of the Great American Driftwood
Association.” "Dor kaiser’s” "hunch” no
doubt was inspired by, but not fairly ac
credited to “Gid-e-un.” who. if he were
alive today, would surely ride “Wild Bill i
II." with spurs and quirt for his low-down i
"hogging” of another’s originality.
Furthermore, “as and for a second cause
of complaint”: Some time last year “Life” 1
printed a revised map of the United States <
of America for reference (at the conclu- I
sion of this world war), which showed how
the United States would be redistricted by
the senior member of the firm—"Me und
Gott”-—when ready for the real estate busi- t
ness. A study of said map very clearly t
showed “der kaiser” that in case Mexico and i ;
Japan “double-teamed” against and con- 1
quered the United States, he could afford 1
to reward them by giving them “half of i
what dey kotch," and retain unto himself t
the great Missouri and Mississippi valleys, 1
Eastern and Southern states. f
In conclusion I will state that since read- (
lug last night's paper every resident of !
Seward, excepting Japs, Mexicans and Ger- t
mans, are exceedingly alarmed at the in- r
tendons of the all-powerful (?) descendant
of Atilfa—“the Scourge of God”- -toward
our poor, old United States, and therefore
an honest-to-God, crosis-mv-heart, hope-to- ‘
die if-not true” publication of your opinion i
as to the probability of this "stunt being j i
pulled off” would be much appreciated and j i
“prepare use for the worst.” I am par- j •
ticularly anxious for reliable information j 1
because I have a brother living in Kansas | i
City, Mo., and if he becomes “Teutomzed.” 1
and I should be Jap-"panned.” we would '
never be on speaking terms again—“hence i
these tears.”—Robert L. Wever. s
-4
FIRE VICTIM WILL LIVE
Irene Sherman, the little Fairbanks girl
who was so terribly burned last November,
and who has been confined in the hospital (
c ,-er since, is in a fair way to recovery, ac- i
cording to her physician, who states that 1
she is progressing nicely. While the terrible 1
burns have not entirely healed, new skin is
being grown, and it is only a question of
time until a complete recovery is effected. *
At the time of Irene’s injuries two other 1
Children were so badly burned that they
succumbed shortly after the fire, and Irene i
herself was considered at the time to have •
little chance for recovery, and for a long ^
time her life was despaired of.
SEATTLE AND WASHINGTON
TO BE BONE DRY ON JUNE 6 i
SEATTLE, March 5.—Seattle and the t
state of Washington will become bone dry ,
June 6. under the law passed by the 1917 j
legislature, as a result of the signing by ]
President Woodrow Wilson of the congres- j •
sional resolution postponing effectiveness of ]
the Reed amendment to the postal appro- .
priation bill until July 1.
It is now expected that federal and county ]
officials will be officially notified, and that ]
permits will be issued and honored under j
the state law until the state bone dry law |
becomes effective, and that the thousands .
of Seattle and King county citizens who
participated in what was believed to be the
last permit rush, on Saturday last, will be
permitted to use their permits.
What action will b? taken by those in
terested in the referendum movement on
the state bone dry law could not be ascer
tained last night. It was suggested in sev
eral quarters that the referendum would be
perfected, if possible, on the theory that
before the new federal law becomes op
erative it may be held invalid by the courts
for constitutional reasons.
-♦
BOB SOUTAR SERVES IT
“What do you suppose has come over my
husband this morning, Sophia?” exclaimed
a conscientious little bride to the new serv
ant. “I never saw him start to the station
so happy. He’s whistling like a lark.”
“I’m afraid I’m to blame, mum. I got
the packages mixed this morning and gave
him birdseed instead of his regular break
fast food, mum.”—New Idea
-«--__
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ALASKA NEWS 0
o o
❖ oooooooooooooooo**
New Deputy Clerk
A familiar face appeared in the office of
the clerk of the United States district court
this morning, when E. H. Mack appeared
ami took his oath of office as deputy clerk,
says the Fairbanks News-Miner of March
12. Mr. Mack formerly was clerk of the
same court under Judges Roed and Lyons,
and is familiar with the work which he is
undertaking. J. E. Clark, clerk of court,
stated that Mr. Mack had been appointed
temporarily for the Coming session of court,
or for a part of it, at least.
—o~
Murder at Tanana
Ernest Bonta was stabbed to death in a
light with Stefan Tremba at Tanana on
March 17. The two men, after a wordy
war in the Northern saloon, went outside
and joined in a scuffle, but were separated
by onlookers. They moved down the street
and began fighting again, when suddenly
Bonta dropped to his knees and Trembla
started to run. Meanwhile Bonta had stag
gered to his feet, walked a few paces and
jollapsed. He was carried into the federal
jail, where Dr. Love, the post doctor, did
everything possible for the wounded man,
who never recovered consciousness, and
died the following day. Trembla gave him
self up. Both combatants were young sol
diers. e.nd good friends up to the moment
if the altercation which resulted in the
tragedy.
—O—
Labor Diverted to Canneries
John Swanheck (Coal Oil Johnny), the
ivell-known Fairbanks creek milling man
and freighter, mushed into Fairbanks March
10 after having been in the States for sev
eral months. He reported that a big bunch
if Russians, bound for Fairbanks, came
lorth on the same boat that he traveled on.
aut upon reaching Cordova they went to
vork in the canneries at $5 per day. They
vill spend the summer there instead of coni
ng to Fairbanks for the mining season.
Lamont Met with a Mishap
According to reports received by tele
phone regarding the results in the Long
doorman race of March 31, Henry Geiger
inished first. Walter Goyne second and
Lafa Barldo third, says the Ruby Record
'itizen of that date. The prizes were re
ipectively §40. $30 and $20. Captain Guy
.amont. carrying Miss Eda Simon as a
lassenger, was one of the entries. Mis
ortune overtook him in the shape of a rut
n a glacier into which the sled bumped,
mashing it completely, spilling the passen
:er and her baggage, the dogs making good
heir escape in the direction of Long. At
ast accounts Miss Simon was walking to
ward the Salatna, while Lamont was trying
o corral his dogs.
—0—
Ravages of Wolves
‘‘The most serious problem of this section
his winter is growing still more serious
he damage done by wolves and wolverines."
ays Deputy Marshal VVinekoft of Fort Yu
:on in a letter to his superior at Fairbanks,
fe continues: “The wolves come within
. very few mile.s of town, even, and be
ween them and the wolverines there tire
ew pelts left in the traps. One trapper
nund twenty-eight out of thirty-two lynx
aten on one round of one line; another
nund ten out of eleven eaten on one round
f one line. etc. And the wolves are killing
loose and earbiou until it is a serious item."
Epidemic of Distemper
William Butler, who has been on a trip
0 the lower Yukon river, and who arrived
1 Fairbanks March 17, reported that the
mail carrier and others are having a hard
ime this wio'.er, as many of their dogs are
lying of distemper. Few dogs, in fact, that
,ave been on the lower river for any length
f time are immune from the disease. Mr.
hitler lost several dogs himself on the trip.
Vith their losses and the hard winter, the
nail Curriers have done little for them
elves during the past winter, he says, anti
ome of them will be no better off at the
nd of the season than they were at the
tart.
—O—
Tom McGowan Goes Outside
Thomas A. McGowan left Fairbanks on
he morning of March 18 for the Outside,
ccording to Fairbanks newspapers. He
lade the trip as far as Delta in an auto
aobile, to overtake the regular stags.
An Anatidean Casabianca
At the Pioneer hotel there is on exhibi
ion a stump on which there is a duck's
est filled with eggs and the bones of a
uck, which is creating considerable inter
st, says the Fairbanks News-Miner. It
ppears that the nest was built in the
tump and that, after the eggs were laid a
arest fire swept the country, and that in
rving to protect the eggs the duck re
gained on the nest until burned to death.
Placer Excitement at Chena
Chena is enjoying a real stampede, aceord
ag to the Fairbanks newspapers. Stam
eders from Ester creek and Fairbanks have
een rushing to Chena to stake ground, and
eports from there state that the property
5 located from the river to the top of
ister hill. The cause of the stampede was
. hole sunk by Dick Stein which showed
ich prospects, variously estimated at from
0 cents to $2 per pan. Mr. Newman, the
Jorthern Commercial Company agent, said
ic did not believe there was any occasion
or a stampede, as there was little chance
or anyone to get any ground, even if the
rround turned out well. That there is a
;reat possibility of many legal battles if
he ground turns out well is certain. Many
reople have held interest in town lots for
fears, and while they have never secured
ratents to the property, they will in all
ikelihood attempt toJiold their interests.
Wants to Change His Name
Dr. E. F. German, who for several years
oracticed his profession of dentistry in Val
dez, but who is now a resident of Anchor
age, is thinking of having his name changed;
according to the Anchorage Labor News,
which says: "It is rumored around town
that Dr. German, our local dentist, is peti
tioning congress to change his name. The
doctor, when interviewed on the subject,
said: ‘I was born in Montana, of American
parents, but it really seems to me that
at this time I am bearing a most un
healthy name.' Of course we all know that
Dr. German is Irish, and should our fair
city ever be besieged the doctor would
doubtless be amongst our most valiant de
fenders.”
—O—■
Superintendent of Experiment Station
A Seattle dispatch of March 15 says that
John II. Davis, who has been named super
intendent of the mining experiment station
which is to be established at Fairbanks,
has arrived there from the East. He will
sail soon for Alaska, and is taking a small
portion of his equipment with him, but
will ship the larger part to Interior Alaska
after the opening of navigation.
Chena Postoffice Destroyed by Fire
Fire caused by an exploding lamp caused
the total loss of the postoffice building at
Chena on the evening of March 6, as well
as part of the local mail and all the equip
ment and records. All the outgoing mail
was saved. The building was owned by
II. O. Belden. Mr. Belden was sitting in
the office at the time the fire broke out. He
was working on the books, when the lamp
exploded, throwing oil all over the room.
Some of it hit him, and he had difficulty
in extinguishing the flames on his clothing.
For that reason he was not able to save the
records.
- --0—
Better than Geld Mines
The profits offered to those who engage
in fishing us a vocation were illustrated
within the last few days by practical dem
onstration, says the Juneau Empire. Within
/he last few days three boats arrived at
Juneau, each having three-men crews. Two
of the boats sold their cargoes for $900
each, and the third sold its cargo for $1,200.
The catches represented trips of one week’s
duration each. Several individual fisher
men engaged on the gasboats that operate
out of Juneau made as high as $1,200 each
I for their time in the month of February.
This represented the proceeds of three trips
to the halibut banks. Said a business man,
discussing the situation : “If a miner should
come into Juneau with $1,100 worth of gold
dust secured through his efforts for one
month without investment in tools or place
to live it would set the town crazy, and a
stampede would occur that would take up
hundreds of miles of creek ground if all got
claims. But when several fishermen clean
up that much apiece and many others do
nearly as well in waters that offer room for
all who will fish them, we go to sleep and
let most of the fish that is brought here
go to Petersburg or elsewhere for market j
and supplies. The most profitable mines
for Juneau are in the sea. It would be i
possible for this city, by concerted action, to
make the fisheries centering here far more i
profitable to the city than the great mines
hat are Ix-ing worked. It should be so j
that there would be a market at Juneau |
! for every pound of fish that could be |
l brought to the town, and there should he a |
place for the fishermen to moor and repair j
their boats.” During the period that these '
fish were brought to Juneau other boats j
came with cargoes that were so large that !
they could not sell them here, and they |
were compelled to go to Petersburg to '
market their fish.
—
GERMAN INTRIGUE BUSY
IN REPUBLIC OF BRAZIL
RIO JANEIRO, March 6.— Former Dep
uty Correira de I'reitas, in an interview in
the newspaper A Noite, vigorously denounces :
the German operations in Southern Brazil
carried on in connection with the Hamburg I
Colonization Company. It is proposed bv !
this company, according to reports which [
have caused the protest by the deputy, to |
colonize a portion of the country between
the states of Santa Catherina and Rio j
Grande de Sul, only colonists of German !
nationality to be admitted.
Before the battle of the Marne, he de- !
rlares. the Germans in Santa Catherina and ]
Rio Grande de Sul were planning to de- |
fnand the incorporation of Southern Brazil
with Germany under the name of “Antarctic !
Germany.”
Medetros de Albuquerque, Brazilian min- ,
ister, in an article in A Noitre. dwelt upon ’<
the bad impression which had been created
by the lack of response from Germany to .
the Brazilian note on the submarine block- |
ade. He advised the Brazilian foreign of- j
fice to take energetic action in Berlin, so 1
that Brazil might not be put in a ridiculous j
position.
Brazil in her reply to the German block- I
ade notification declared that Brazil did not i
recognize the blockade as effective, and j
left with Germany the responsibility for j
acts from which Brazilians or their inter |
ests might suffer in violation of interna- ,
tional law. The note has been criticized by :
a section of the Brazilian press and some :
of the nation’s public men as lacking in en- !
orgy and definiteness.
-—♦
WILL KEEP OPEN EVENINGS j
For the benefit of patrons living on the I
creeks, Mrs. Chittick, postmaster at Flat, j
will keep the office open evenings from 7 !
to 8:30 until October 1 for money orders j
and registry.
FAIRBANKS RADIO STATION
HEARS JAPANESE MESSAGES
At the Fairbanks ratlin station on March
9 the signal corps men heard a San Frart
cisco station working with Japan, and eve v
sound on the wireless was as dear as if
it were the Fort Gibbon station commuYii
eating with any other in Alaska, says the
News-Miner.
Another station was heard sending me-’
sages fist), and the signals Indicated that
it was a Russian town named “Afon,” but
where it is located could not, be learned
I As it is not shown on any of the average
! sized maps, it is probable that it Is a
I small town near the coast of Siberia.
With the new appliances which have been
recently added to the wireless station, the
Fairbanks station can hear many of tin
larger wireless plants all over the country
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