VERY HARD LINES

How They Were Written to Order.

9 a.m. —Bother the Jubilee. What, in the name of fortune, can one do with such a rubbishing subject ? But hero's Macmillan waiting, and I haven't done a single line yet. Must get something put on to paper, if only to quiet him. But how on earth to begin. Get in " fifty " somehow. Want fifty somethings that come but once a year. Christmas? Good. That suggests Clown. I have it. Fifty times the Clown has grinned and tumbled No. That won't do. It's two shoppy, stagey. Has a soupcon of the " Promise of May " about it. Wants something wider. Ha ! Tlio Row suggesting the Season, of course. Fifty ti.mos the** Row has filled and emptied. No. Don't like it. Reads as if I was talking of a cistern. Too heavy. Try something lighter. Pastry? Feathers? Flowers ? Ha! that's it. Flowers of course Here, I've got it. Fifty times the Rose has flowered and faded. Anyhow, that'll do to go off with. Let's see. I want fifty sometlung-elses to follow it lip with. What shall it be ? Cartloads ? Handfuls? Armfuls? Autumns? Har vests ? Food again. Not that there's any precise connection between them ; but ono must stick down something. How'll this do? Fifty times tho golden harvest fallen. Yes, that reads all right. Is there any other way of putting "fifty?" Yes, " twice twenty-five." But that won't come in. Then there's " four times twelve and a half." No; that won't do. Enough "fifty." Now we want some allusion to Her Majesty. Must get in a " since." I have it, "Since our Queen assumed." Capital. Here you are ! Since our Queen assumed tho globe, tho sceptre. Come ; that's a beginning anyhow. Three lines ? But they've quite dried me up. Besides 1 can't go on in blank verse like this. Don't feel up to it. Must try another metre. What metre ? And then what on earth am Ito say in it ? I haven't had such a job as this for a long time. Could weep over ib. A precious Ode 1 shall make of it.

For though I know not anything, Yet must I not my lot upbraid : Since as the Laureato I am paid, And, being paid, am bound to sing. But, "a glass of sherry will make me merry." I'll try one.

6 p.m.—Confound the Jubilee Ode ! Have now been at it all clay, and am floundering worse than ever. Have got in something about illuminations, sanitaryimprovements, subscribing to a Hospital and Penny Din ners, and gi\9n a kind of backhander to George the Third, but who on earth, I refer to as the " Patriot Architect," and what I mean by asking him to Shapo a stately memorial, Make it regularly—no, "regally," —gorgeous, Some Imperial In stitute, I don t know. But if I arrange it in parallel lines it will look like poetry, and that'll be near enough. FcoL I'm making horrible hash of it. Mighfl go for a turn on my bicycle. May clear my head. Might try it. Will.

Havo dined, and now, at 9 p.m., have again settled down to i£ over a pipe and a gloss of grog. Am in a moro hopoless muddlo than ever. Trying to bring in everybody in a wind-up-appeal. But look at this—

. ■■• You, the snubbod, the unfortunate, You the Lord-Undortakor, You, tho Lord Omnibus-Conductor, That doesn't seem to run very well,'but Wf the'lsind of'idea I want to work in. Don't seem able to manage it. " * You, tho Lady-Amateur Actor? •JNo, &at won't do. Shall never get it done to-night:

1 10 p.m.—After awful hammering man aged to knock off two moro lines. Head * spinning, but must stick to it. Feel I've never turned out such stuff in my lifo be ' fore. Hopeless.

10.30 p. m.—Two more lines screwed out. But what lines. Won't scan, and aa to rhyme—ha !ha !—catch me rhyming to night.

11 p.m.—Have come to a dead stand still. Equal to it. Have had recourse to the wet towel. Refreshes mo. Ha, I see light. Happy thought. As I can't do it in verse, why not write it all in prose, and then cut it up into poetry afterwards. Sure to get cut up when it appears. Why not do it myself first . I will, anyhow, hero. goes.

, Midnight. — Done it. Labelled it. "Carmen Sfficulare." Looks all right, but quite the toughest piece of work I ye ever had to turn .out. Posted it to Macmillan. Hope he'll like it.—Leaf from a Laureate's Diary. "Punch."

AN INDEPENDANT WOMAN.

A Rotbsobild who Proposes to Marry tbe Man of Her Cbolce.

A Paris letter to the New York " Tribune" Bays: -The determination of Mile. Helen Rothschild to marry according to her own wishes and without regard for what the rabbis of the great banking family to which she belongs, or Mrs Grundy may say, is the town talk of tho hour, and the sensation of the Jewish' world in these parts. The young lady is tho. only daughter of Baron Solomon Roths child by a Rothschild whose mother was a Rothschild, and of the lineage of Meyer Amschet Rothschild founder of the great five-headed bank. Mile, Helen ia not at all.pretty. She has a heavy figure, and a "plain, fat, common-looking face. One of. her passions is horses, another dogs, another—and who can blame her for it—fine-looking men. Mile. Helen has been greatly slandered by venemous tongues. In France nobody understands a girl of her independent character. She is one of the best-hearted persons in exist ence,; aspires really to do good in the world, and is, of a bounteous, untheatrioal nature, hating what is allied to the term "high life."; All tnat her father left her when she was an infant has increased during., her minority to the sum of £12,000,000.

j The object of the young lady'B passion is a Belgian calvalry officer of an old Catho lic family, who last winter led the cotillion afc her mother's balls, and is almost as penniless as the first. Saxe-Coburg prince, ,who quartered himself on' the English, w^ts when he went there to the court of Princess Charlotte of Wales. The Baroness Solomon Rothschild is a kind, good soul, but, hbwwer, she thought she must resist the young lady's will and all the more so as her own kith and kin urged her to do so. But this Helen of a modern kind said that Bhe was of a»e and meant to take a header. She would not elope, but she would set up on her : own account with all her personal attendants, horßes, dogs and the rost at the house at Pierrefonds of the doctor who presided at her birth, and stay there until. she had forced, by legal proceedure, her mother and. ex-guardian to consent to her marriage. This proceed ing is termed the serving of acies vespeclue, 6r respectful acts.on tlie person whose con sent is required. • The?-womeu are more in dependent.thaii the mon in this great bank ing dynasty, &iid in, mind, tastes andfeel ing.their superiors. ' They are sick of being oooned.up with near,relations and want to go, into the wide world. ,

Is it Better to Sew or to Serve?

While we aro hearing of the sufferings of those workingwomen who, it is said, prefer careless, hopeless toil and semi-starvation in their own overcrowded garrets to the re straints ancl degradation of domestic service, we may well ask where they have obtained their knowledgo, or, rather, imbibed their prejudice, wero it not that consideration of the matter induces one to believe thero is no preference. They sew and starve be cause others sew and starve, and to do so requires no effort, only endurance. To take service, if the thought has over entered thoir minds, needs energy and courage to face now and unknown conditions of lifo, and they are withheld by a vague dread. If, however, thoso who get so far as to think of houseworkas apossime alternative to needle work are met by false and prejudiced ver sions of the conditions under which servants live and the relations they hold to their em ployers, it is no wonder if, devitalised by poor food, weakened by their unremitting labour, they shrink from the prospect and fall back into slavery from which they would fain have emerged. Thoy work ancl sutler, and insist that relief can only como to them in one way—hotter pay for the work they ;do.

If tho sewing woman does not like her work she dare not quit it; to do so means starvation. If tlio taskmaster cheats her she dares not refuse to bo cheated ; her work will be taken from hor and given to one of the dozens waiting to tako her place. If sho is brutally spoken to, sho dares not resent it; and there are, we are assured, worse things thau cheating ancl brutality that she must submit to without resent ment, or be marked for persecution. So much for boing her own mistress. And this ceaseless, ill-paid work is performed under every form of physical discomfort, in bad air, in overcrowded rooms, in winter cold, in torrid summer heat, witli insuflicent food ancl sickly, ill-clad body. The time which sho calls her own, where is it, when tho machine runs from morn ing till night? After the day's task is clone ? When we know the pittance she earns we may be quite sure that day's task will not be done so long as human nature can bear up against fatiguo. The time between tlie cessation of work until it begins again must suroly be a stupor of exhaustion. Can the weary woman then give herself up to tho pleasures of " home '!" Can sho take the recreation for which being " mistress of her own timo " is sup posed to givo opportunity ? Contrast this veritable slavery with tho freedom of the domestic servant. If she does not liko her placo sho leaves. Whethor sho per forms her part of tho bargain between nor elf and her employer or not, she is paid. There aro no pretexts for reducing her wages for work imperfectly done, nor re ductions mado becauso tho shirts ancl collars, or table linen, she has undertaken to iron, but does badly, havo to be sent to the laundry and paid for. If sho haß temporary illness, days whon some family crisis, the arrival of some kindred from abroad, or wakes, or weddings, or funerals, mako her desire a day off, she has it without loss of money, tho mistress often making strenuous effort, putting off or changing her own inten tions for this purpose ; for be it said over so gently, thoro is in the majority of cases very little choico in tho matter—if Deliadoes not go for a holiday, she leaves her place at a moment's notice.

It is, unfortunately, true, in this day and generation, aa in all that have gono beforo, that thero is no way of earning a living, or oven of conscientiously doing our lifo part, without giving up some of our liberty and our time ; but of all ways by which a working woman can mako her living there is not ono by which sho can do it so easily, so independently, and so healthfully, as in domestic service.

Disappearance of Wild Ani mals.

What is to become of the wild animals of the world? This is a question which the hunters of " big game " will very soon havo to ask themselves with all seriousness, for every year that passes witnesses a serious depreciation of their numbers. Wo can all remember the thrill of romantic awo with •which wo perused tho acount3 of the lions or tigers, or other ferocious boasts, which were shot by Livingstone, Oswald, Gordon Cumming, and other adventurous travellers ; but all this is rapidly becoming a thing of the past. Lions aro nowhere very numerous, and tho elephant is so rapidly on the wane that Mr Thompson and other recent travellers look forward to a period, not very distant, when it will no longer pay to hunt it or go into the wilds in search of its' ivory. During fourteen months spent in the immense area of tho African Great Lako region, during 1878-80, an explorer mentioned that he never saw a singlcelophant, though twenty or twenty-fivo years ago they roamed over theso countries unmolested, and in Livingstone's day they were so abundant at tho south end of Tanganyika that they came about his camp and entered the villages with impunity. Every likely spot for thorn was ransacked ; yet the same tale was told. After all, how ever, there is this consolation for us, that though adventurous sportsmen may suffer in the disappearance of these deadly ani mals, humanity will gain on tho wholo by the enhanced security it will enjoy.

The Czar.

The Czar is reported once again as Buffer ing, at times, from fits of despondency that border bn a state of alienation, and in con firmation of the truth of this statement a correspondent from Vienna imparts the following facts: "On the subject of hereditary insanity among the Imperial family it will be necessary to trace the lines of descent from tho undoubtedly crazy Paul of Russia. A great deal has been said of late about the present Czar*of Russia developing lines of mental.likeness to this ancestor, who waa his great-grand father. It is worth noticing that the two sons of King William of Holland who havo died within the past six years, both un doubtedly crazy, were also great-grandsons of this lunatic Paul. All about The Hague in the names of streets, institutions, and even factories, you can see reminders of the old King's mother, Anna Paulowna, I who lived at the Dutch capital till her death, in 1865, and was greatly esteemed by everybody. She was the daughter of the Czar Paul,, as Nicholas was nis son. The two Orange Princes were her grand sons as the present Czar is the grandson of Nicholas. The parallel may be carried back, indeed, to the fathers of these three men. William 111. of Holland and Alex ander 11. of Russia came to the throne as young men. Both succeeded to an inheri tance . diminished and shaken by foreign conquest. Both began their reigns by great liberal activity,' and earnest efforts to improve tho condition of their people. Both gradually relaxed their efforts, lost touch with the popular feeling, ; and became selfishly indifferent to public interests and selfishly devoted to their own pleasures. It was the open alliance with the Princess Dolgorouki,; which humiliated and broke the late Czarina. They tell in Holland and Paris even more disreputable conduct on her husband's part, which saddened the last yeara of the lato Queen of Holland. And then.from this generation of Paul's grandson you may pass to that of his great frandsons — embracing the two. Orange rinces who died lunatics, and the Grand Duke Constantine, who has been sequestered for giving his mother's diamonds to Fannio Blackstone, and those a &ift from the pres ent Czar, . . ,

The Sultan's Latest Craze.

The last craze of the Sultan is for what may be called international astrology. Not long since one of the most favoured persons in tho household waa the German con fectioner, who in addition to making puff paste par excellence, was also an adept m divination by means of coffee grounds, But some months ago, I hear, a prophetic almanac, published in Paris, was brought under tho Sultan's notice, and as his own name occurred in it frequently his interest was aroused, ancl a trusted officer at once communicated with tho various Turkish embassies, the result being the collection and despatch to Stamboul of wellnigh all the prophetic almanacs of Europe. The translation of all tho prophecies bearing directly or indirectly upon the Sultan followed, and, as may bo imagined, the tabulation of them was not reassuring to his Imperial Majesty. But at this stage ono of the chief eunuchs pointed out that as two of tho almanacs drew directly opposite conclusions from a similar state of the planetary world, their statements wero not worthy of confidence, ancl lie himself offered, for a consideration, to interpret the voice* of the stars. The Sultan accordingly found, with somo difficulty, the ready money for an expensivo astro nomical apparatus, and thp _ eunuch is busily at work casting nativities of the Sultan and the leading personages at Pcra. For tho present his Imperial Majesty will talk of nothing else. He has even forsaken the costly grand piano on which it used to pleaso him to improvise

The Sleeping Frenchman

Dn. Charcot, the well-known specialist, makes light of M. Chaufl'at's cose, and says that too much fuss is being mado over it in England. Ho is of opinion that his medical colleagues on this side of the Channel have not had many opportunities of studying phenomena of this kind. Dr. Charcot avers that hypnotism has nothing to do with the case, and that M. Chauflat is merely a hysterical patient, whose illness, instead of assuming the form of convulsive attacks, re duces itself to "attacks of sleep." Such cases aro by no means rare. At the present moment there is at tho Salpotriere a woman who has beon asleep for months. Nor is this the first time that she has succumbed to slumbor. These phenomena have for a certain poriod beon renewed at almost regular intervals. The case of tlie cataleptic Frenchman has attracted so much attention, and the name of Professor Charcot has been so frequently heard in connection with it, that no doubt a a description of the powers he possesses will bo interesting. At the present timo all Paris is talking about an extraordinary ex periment he mado recontly with a female patient. After lirst putting hor in a cata leptic condition by striking agon*?, he mes merised her by stroking the crown of her head with his hand. lie then " suggested " to her that he and she had been conveyed under a tunnel to the Bois de Boulogne and woro talking together confidentially. Having led the conversation upon one of the house surgeons, the doctor extracted from her a promise that she would poison him the noxt day. At first she demurred, but ulti mately agreed to shoot him. The doctor's revolver would mako too much noise. He added, " We aro now back airain at tho laboratoire ; here is a tumbler into which I will pour beer mixed with poison. When you are awake you must mako our friend drink it. And, above all, whatever happens you must never remember that it is I who have persuaded you to administer the poiflon."

So soon as tho younc lady was awake she went up to tlio house surgeon in ques tion, and, rcnlarking that it was very hot, offered him tho glass of beer. He replied that he wns not thirsty, but to please her he would drink it if she would first give him a kiss. At first she hesitated, evidently revolting from tho treachery of kissing a man she was about to poison, but soon complied, and then, pretending to taste it herself, assured him that he need not fear tlie beer would do him any harm. As he was drinking it she turned deadly pale. When lie had finished, he feigned to drop down dead. The attendants came and carried him out, and a pretended police magistrate soon arrived. On his asking her whether she had no suspicion of tlio beor containing poison, she assured him that such could not bo tho case, as she had tasted it and £*ot no harm. Thus she had herself promeditatod a defence.

Mow the Queen Travels.

The Queen's saloons are in the centre of the train, and these commodious carriages, fitted for clay and night travelling, her Majesty occupies with Princess Beatrice. Thero are two beds in tho sleeping com partment, which opens from the day saloon. The beds are simple, in green and gilt fur niture and fittings, something like elaborate " cots " in shape, and generally the interior fittings of tho train leavo nothing to be de sired. The floors arc carpeted, the ceilings padded, the wMo windows curtained, the lamps deeply shaded. Electric bells com municate with the attendants or tho officials, and by pressing a button at tho end of a long variegated cord or bell-pull tho alarm is sounded in the van. A separate electric button is fixed in each sido of tho sleeping compartment, by which the attendants may bo summoned; another button when pressed will cause the train to stop as quickly as may bo. There aro the Westinghouso vacuum and ordinary brakes fitted to the train, which are worked as re quired by tho exigencies of the locomotives of the different companies over whose lines her Majesty travols, some engines being fitted with vacuum, and others with tho Westinghouso brakes. The usual furniture, comfortable but simple, and a lavatory, aro all included in the Queen's saloons. There are hooks and racks for parcels, wraps, birdcages, and small bundles, of which Her Majesty and the Princess convey a goodly supply. The late John Brown used to occupy a seat in tho lloyal day saloon, back to tho engine as the train stood, and facing the door of tho Queen's apartments so as to be within call at once. The Royal saloon devoted on this trip to Prince Henry of Battenberg, who ,was temporarily separated from his wife, is. one used by the Prince of Wales, and fitted with smoking cabinet and bedroom, with two beds, a lavatory, and a stove. The Queen's carriages are warmed in tho usual way with hot water. Nothing is wanted to render the journey as littlo irksome and as little fatiguing as possible. Tho carriages exteriorly are Bright and clean, and newly polished. The wheels aro "solid," blocks of wood taking the place of spokes, the springs are massive, the tires glide smoothly over the rails, tho gas is a patented article, the carriage steps let down as in road carriages, and the wide plato-glass windows permit an extensive view of the country through which the train ia passing.

A new patent medicine has found its way to our shores—Dr.' Henley's extract of celery, beef, and iron—proved by the lead ing physicans of Europe and America to be nutritive and invigorating, while tho iron is a tonic for the blood and food for tho brain. Sharlahd and Co. are wholesale agents. The extraob can be had from all chemists.

" Shell " Brand Butter in half-pound pats delivered* to tho trade daily by the Freezing Company's vans. , How to Get Sick.—Expose yourself day and night, sit too much without exerciso, work too hard without rest, doctor all the time, take all the vile nostrums and imitations adver tised, and then you will want to know

THE FAITH OF A LITTLE CHILD.

At a certain country church it was de cided by the members to assemble together at a given time to pray for rain, which was badly needed for the growing crops. At the appointed hour the people began to gather, and one little fellow came trudg ing up with an umbrella almost as big as himself. "What did you bring that for, youngster?" someone asked with a smile. " So s 1 wouldn't get wet going home," was the confident reply.

Girl's Gossip.

A smart little boy of my acquaintance asked the other day if the hens would lay Jubilee eggs on June 21st. Perhaps he thinks they will be golden ones. If only they would be, what a quantity of hens I should like to buy up before that date ! I

should dearly love to have, for once, more money than I should know what to do with. What a glorious new sensation it would be, and how attached my friends would sud denly become ! I should be as popular as the boy at school who had just had a big hamper from home. Wo hear from an acquaintance in Bir mingham that the luncheon-table laid for the Queen was a thing of beauty. It was set out for four persons, and there were ex quisite flowers arranged in vases of Wor cester and Coalportporcelain, sent by Messrs Olser, who also provided some wonderful cut-glass finger-bowls of a surpassing thick ness and beauty. It seems odd that the Queen of England and Empress of India should have that simple nursery dish, a tapioca pudding, specially prepared for her ; but the choico is at least consistent with the simplicity and homeliness of her life. I wonder if the Prince of Wales likes tapioca pudding. Would you like to know of a use for your old kid gloves? Well, dear, I have just heard that very warm and comfortable quilts can be made of them, a number being sown togethor. Does it not seem an odd idea ? I should think that those who fear to undertake such an ambitious affair as an entire quilt, might succeed in making chest protectors for delicate children and girls, or even coverlets for infants' cribs, which would be most acceptable to poor and struggling mothers whon the cold weather comes again. I have chosen for this week's recipe a good way of making shortbread. I hope you will like it. We do. Thoroughly dry half-a-pound of flour, into which mix about six ounces of sifted sugar, a tiny pinch of salt, four ounces of fresh butter, and a tea cupful of cream. The whole should be well stirred, so that all the ingredients are thoroughly intermingled. Afterwards butter pretty littlo baking-tins and fill them with the paste, M*hich should be quite two inches thick. A pinch of cinnamon and a tablcspoonful of ground almonds arc a wonderful improvement. The shortbread requires about half-an-hour in a quick oveu. -"Madge,"in "Truth."

CIGARETTES IN SPAIN.

Tbe Bow of Babies' Cradles In a Tobaooo Factory.

When you enter tho enormous rooms, crowded with girls dressed in bright colours, the coup d'ceil is striking in the extreme. In one immense, low-vaulted room there are 1,500 girls. They sit in endless rows, about twenty girls to the row on either side of the room, all at little tables, all rolling cigarettes. There is a blaze and a blur of colour, a babel of tongues. Every girl has a gay handker chief about her neck, every girl has a bright flower stuck in hor hair. All along the walls hang the gay outdoor dresses of the little cigarette makers. As I walk, blush ing ana nervous, down an endless avenue of flashing eyes, I grow almost giddy. It is sea of flower-heads. One has to pick one's way carefully down the central avenue, for it is blocked all along the line with cradles. The married cigarette-makers aro allowed to bring their babies with them to the factory. They rock the cradle with one foot while their busy fingers roll the cigarottes.

" Silence !" is called by the forewoman as the visitor passes down the lino, but there is a " thut-cliut" every second from some dark-eyed wench who points to a cradle and holds out hand. It is the habit of visitors to bestow occasional coppers on the babies, and so all the young mothers are on the alert for the visitor's charity. Tho girls earn good wages. At many of the tables whole families are working to gether. But the hourt are long, and the at mosphere awful. The damp, warm odour of the tobacco in the long, low-roofed rooms is in itself stupefying. But there is no ventilation, and the atmosphere is abso lutely indescribable. Many of the girls smoke cigarettes at their work. I was very glad to light one myself long before I had done tho round of the factory.

Delicacy of the Sense of Smell.

The extreme delicacy of the sense of smell in man has been shown by a series of inter esting experiments by Messrs Fischer and Penzoldt. In an empty room of some 230 cubic meters capacity, and tightly closed, a small quantity of the particular substance to be detected was thoroughly mixed with the air, and the observer then admitted. Among the different substances which were tested in this manner it was found that the very smallest amount recognizable was .01 of a milligram of mercaptan. This quan tity diffused through the room sufficed to make its distinctive character appreciable in the small volume of air coming in contact with the nerves of the nose, from which it was estimated that the 1-460,000,000 part of a milligram of this substance was recog nizable-an infinitesimal quantity, passing conception, but which science declares to be a fact.

Clerical gent (to fellow passenger)— " Have you ever thought that in the midst of life we are in death ?" Fellow passen ger—"Often." "Have you reflected that at any moment we may be. hurled into eternity, and that we ought to be prepared for that event ?" "I've said so a million times." '' It is possible that lam speaking to a brother clergyman? I judged from your dress—" "I'm an insurance agent. Just let me show you a few figures."

LITTLE FOLK'S COLUMN.

THE LAND OF COUNTERPANE.

When I was sick and lay abed, I had two pillows at my hcofi. And all my toys Reside me lay, To keep me happy all the aay. sssasg s And sometimes sent my shipstofloat* All up and down among Or brought my trees aim houses out, And planted cities all abJU.. I was the giant great and still That sits upon the pillow hill. And sees before him dale and plain, The pleasant lf.nd of counterpane.

Young boys' stomachs are always in apple-pie order.

Teacher : " What number is quarrel Pupil: "Plural." Teacher: "Why? Pupil: "Because it takes two to make one."

A Sunday-school teacher told his infants to ask any questions they had m their minds, and a little one asked, " When is the circus coming ?"

Master Charles: " More pudding, please pa!'Pa: " More pudding ! Why, I ought to be made of pudding !" Master Charles ! " Oh, don't I just wish you were !

" Ma, can I go over to Sallies house and play a little while ?" asks four-year-old Mamie. " Yes, dear ; I don't care if you do." Thank you, ma," was the demure reply, " I've been."

HUMOROUS.

The woman who paints her face i_<naturally ashamed of her cheek. " Shingle-esque" is a new architectural term applied to seashore cottages. A blind man can tell the colour of a red hot stove simply by touching it. You can't convince a young man whose best girl has just said "Yes," that this country is going to wreck and ruin. I know there's a cros3 about Norah's bluo eye, But that fact melove cannot smother: For her eyes are so pretty! No wonder tney thry To bo gazin' 'round into each other. Some of the winter bonnets on exhibition are real poems, while others hardly come up to the stand of a jubilee ode. There are very few brass bands in a military parade that can play as many airs as the drum major puts on. Great point of resemblance between far mers and their poultry—Both delight in full

crops. If it is a deadly sin to sell pure whisky, what shall we do with the man who sells it adulterated ? Diner; "Waiter, I see you have got turtle soup on the menu. Is it mock turtle ?" Waiter : " No, sir, mud." A man sometimes loses his balance on an orange peeling on the pavement and sometimes he loses it in a savings bank. The man who thinks he never did a fool ish thing isn't wise enough to know what folly is. ~ ~ A mustard plaster is very sympathetic. When it can't do anything else for you it draws your attention. A man has advertised for " A boy to open oysters with a reference." We don't believe it can be done. A great many people owe their gentle manly appearance to their clothes, and a great many owe their clothes to the tailor. Wife: "How's the coal?" Husband: " Haven't counted it yet to-day. There was one piece missing last night, though. He: "I adore you. When I look at you there is such a commotion in my breast!" She: "And mine, toof Henri; it must be the lobster salad !" " George Washington Napoleon Jackson Hannibal Harrison." "Yes, ma'am." " Tell Josephine Rosina Cleopatra Matilda Victoria to bring up the slop-pail." " Yes,

ma'am." -':■■',"' " But we must hasten," said the preacher. " I pass on to the next "" No you don't! Not on this road !" sharply spoke up a rail way conductor in the audience awakening from his nap. ."..■'■• There are lots of people who mix their religion with business, but forget to stir it up well. The business invariably rises to the top as a result. The best modern siege guns cost as much as a first-class church', viz., £18,000 ; and to fire one of these guns four time 3 would use up the minister's salary of £600. War is expensive. People who propose to give up drinking water because it contains bacteria, are in formed that a bushel, of bacteria in the stomach is far less troublesome than one little snake in the boot. The bellman of Harwick, announcing a theft, expressed himself as follows ■— " Nottis. Stown frae our bed a dooble faced woman's mutch ; if they dinna bring't back directly, faith, I wadna be them." Tompkins. "Say, Brown, look at that fellow. I sat next to him in the dining room the other day, and he's got such a cast in his eye that when he puts his fork into a potato I could not help opening my. mouth. Picked up in Church-street. — A diary dated 1887 containing these two entries: " Jan'y Ist 10 a.m. ; Made a good reso lution." "11a.m. ; Broke it." The owner may have it on application if he will sign the pledge. Machinery has reached a great.,state of perfection. We recently saw some burnt peas put into the hopper of a coffee mill, and in less than two minutes they wero oc cupying a place in a grocery window, labelled " Eine Old Mocha."

A married couple sitting down to a game of cards—She : " What are you going to play for?" He: "Anything you like." She: "Let us play for a velvet jacket, dear. If you lose, I shall have the choosing of it: and if I lose, you shalL" The subberdights are-cubbie;, lub, the bood shides bright ad clear. Wbed we go to New Brightod, lub, dwik zwei lager beer, ad hear de busic ub de bad dowd by de iron pier, ad — ad — ah — ah — chew ! achew ! achew ! Oh, daar ! oh, daar ! Guest (who had been elegantly served with almost nothing): Now, waiter, that I have struggled through eleven courses of cut glass, silver, and air, I begin to feel hungry. Bring me some beef and cabbage and a glass of plain every-day water. " For the Third Time of Asking."—Prin cipal (who had made sure of it this time): Did Fylcm and Wayterbit seem put out at my sending in the account again? —New Clerk :Oh dear no, sir. Most perlite they were" sir. 'Said they 'oped I'd call again, sir !

The only time that a man feels ashamed of a kind action is when he is chasing another man's hat that is blowing in the wind at thirty miles an hour, with an interesting crowd of observers on either side of the way, offering him facetious ad vice. It always sounds pretty to say " the sun sank beneath the western horizon," but a moment's reflection shows that it is about tho only horizon he could sink beneath under the circumstances. When he feels like sinking he always selects the western horizon. Wouldn't Lie.—"Just throw me half a dozen of the biggest of those trout," said a citizen to the fish dealer. " Thiow them ?" queried the dealer. "Yes : and then I'll go home and tell my wife that I caught 'em. I may be a poor fisherman, but I'm no liar." i Art Auctioneer: We have here, ladies arid gentlemen, a mostsuperb marine view. Assistant (in a loud whisper): Hold on; it's a picture of a sheep. Auctioneer: As I was saying, ladies and gentlemen, we have here a picture of a most superb merino. What am I offered on a bid ? Snookson (who has got " gentleman " on the brain, and thinks himself one): '.' A— ■ yaas—Jones is a very good fellow-a—l don't know that I quite call him a gentle man, you know." Miss Sharp (who has a liking for Jones): "Don't you really? Oh —but perhaps you are not a very good judge." "Those fireman must be a frivolous set," said Mrs Spilkins, who was reading a paper. " Why so ?" I read in the paper that, after the fire was under control, the firemen played all night on the ruins. Why didn't they go home and go to bed like sensible men, instead of romping about like chil dren ?" A doctor says " Onions are about the best nerve remedy known." Bashful lovers, timid ward politicians, nervous clergymen, and that more numerous class, modest edi tors,should take a note of this fact and stuff themselves with onions when called upon to face the music in their several, spheres of usefulness.

MORE TROUBLE IN THE CHOIR. A singer who sang in the choir Asked the leader a rival to foir, And when he refused, And so soundly abused Him ho forced her herself to retoir.

THE AUCKLAND KVENING STAB SATUBBAY, JUNE 11, 1887.

6



Easiness Notices. /aTcHE^P^ . PLEASANT,|»i ■.•■"■ 1 | Effectual Remeoys'^^S Yourxf^^i 1 Bhonchitis, Asthma, £■■ tbroat,iS^ Al Ihqarseness, Whooping Gq.ugr}l^w fo™'yoa;tuti£ y.w^l| : 1 Difficulty of Breathing , - jBHBP gr!f fc. b,enefifc *«« if«*^l| Lndall Affections qpthe Lvngs^Hß S^SS^SB i3RONCHI*, TBAOHEAJ& ' Uryn)<|^» wm^^:« ' RI - M 0 Aar/c; Speaker. '^^^M '''^m^'W^A^m riga -1s g'd. 2s 6d, 4s _d & Bs. ijHHB| of^h?^^ed^'l^ 111 ' " PfICPAHED ONLY BY' ' SERVERis excellent. * B «jr« baxtbr, WmkWk :;;*:;:;B fEOICAL HALt, VICTORIA STREET,ffl^^^| -—. JfV ' IMPORTANT TO PURCHASERS !., I- I Purchasers are requested to see that each packet of Lung Preserver- nkwj':n.:Bi sale is a fac-simile of the above drawing, and that the words ".BMteftL&ijgjK Christchurch," are blown on the bottle. *% Refuse all others as counterfeit!.- Hf AGENTS FOR AUCKLAND: X Messrs SHARLAtfD ancl Co., CLOSE BROS., P. HA.YMa|-,uß and N.Z. DRUG COMPANY. ' W- I o^\ fi POSITIVE CUBE ||§| IWr Wii 1 f°r every form °f l^Wt 1 M SKIN AND BLOOD U§§ M^wH DISEASE j||| 1 Eczema on Scalp. § I*BOM'. ' ;.,'. ~r';,|/.' BcrofnlaoiKA I■< 1 PIMPLES to SCRORJI DISFIGTJBING- HUMORS, Humiliating Erup- /TCTTICURA RESOLVENT, tienewßlwifc * I tions, Itching and Burning Skin and Scalp L/ fier, Diuretic, andAperient.cleanwitlafc K'l Tortures, and every specfts of Itching, Scaly, and Perspiration of all Imparities mtltfm ■: Pimply InherSed, Scrofulous, and Syphilitic Dis-„Elements, and thus remotesitfco OABSfcHa &' | eases of tho Blood, Skin and Scalp, with Loss of it cures speedily, permanently, and cwsK). W , Hair, from infancy to old age, are cured by Cutt- : — ZTZATA, »: _ cuka Resolvent, the new Blood Purifier, inter- Cuticura, the Great Skin Cobb (tlifaßK; nally, and Cutecpea and Cdticuba Soap, the Jelly for external use^lnßtentlyallajil^iiMfc m-eat Skill Cures and Beautiiiers, externally. Inflammation, cloars'theßkfilSßdEralpiifßiSrMK '■' .Sores, and Dandruff,destroysDcadßßmcdtlM * Agonizing, Itching, and Burning Skin heals Ulcers, Sores, andDisbliargingWiraiiim ' Diseases, Eczema, Tetter, Ringworm, Psoriasis, stores the Hair, and beaptlfles thflSHn. » . Lichen, Pruritus, Dandruff, and Delicate Irrita-J — ■ ——— . V . tions peculiar to both sexes, instantly relieved by a Cuticura Soap, an expiate fctin IMS,» warm bath with Cutiouha Soap and n single ap- and Toilet Requisite, prepared 'from iron | plication of Coticura, the great Skin Cure. This is indispensable" in treatingSkM)W«Mj*-i I repeated dally, with three doses of Cuticoea Re- Humors, Skin Blemishes, PncUy^Me&fifc: i, solvent, will speedily cure Itching Diseases of Sunburn, and Rough, Chapped, or Gre^/M*. the Skin and Scalp, -when all other means fail. — ——; r— I _ Cuticura Remedies are the anlymliWi I A Magnificent Popular Work on the Skin, Purifiers and Skin Beautifiers twtimWQ f | with Engraved Plates, is wrapped about the Resol- arsenic, lead, zinc, or '.any-other j™^JM..l | vent Also, one hundred Testimonials, solemnly table poison whatsoever.: GuamMJlwit i sworn to before the British Consul, which repeat pure by, the Analytical Chemists of mm. : this story: I have been a terrible sufferer for years Massachusetts. " '..-.-;' ''<"■' r. , & from Diseases of the Skin and Blood; have been -p or ggjg j™ a n vendors of':inSW»lW'.l I obliged to shun public places by reason of my dis- CoTICTJBA,-50cts.; large boiesi itOOri Ctmcol | figuring humors; have had the best physicians; g OAI , 25 cts . Cuticura 'RbsolyßbM* I have spent hundreds of dollars, and got no relief wholesale Agents, New BbnUi;Waleß l ß-WH until I used the CutichbA Remedies, which &Co Sydney Victoria, Felton'GrimWsftj H nave cured me, and left my skin and blood as Melbourne * South Australia,.&■&'*»« H pure as a child's. Send to any wholesale druggist Song Adelaide; Queensland, Elliott:3roß.SC, B named in the opposite column, for "How to Cure Brisbane; New Zealand, N. X. Dm. %», H Bkln and Blood Diseases," land and Dunedin. . . ''„./>*"F Ok Address with Stamp, Pbeeabbd by-the '^"i B. Towns & Co., New Soutli "Wales. PotterDrog&ChemicalCo.,Boßton,C.»'i LADIES OF AUCKLAND AND SEfEEOUMG NEIGHBOUEHOOD, IS-BEFORE YOU BUY HOSIERY SEE-ES ' J. GILMOUR'S BAEGABB . :A-'--.:.-.:.'& . ■' " _ : ; - • ■• '''''.' j-^ Ladies' Coloured Cashmere of a beautiful quality and finished for ls 4d per pair, original price 2s 9d. Same Quality, Children s No, 1, 2, & 3, value Is. 9i forls. Maids' 4, 5, &6, value 2s, 6d. Is. 2d. J. G. wishes you to see the value in Gloves of all kinds, too numerous to mention—Swede, Kid, Silk, Cloth, &C.V&C; Gent's fur-lined Kid; also, bargains in evening coloursin Kid. Ladies^ Cloth fur-tops, &c, at 6d per pair ; also Boys' strong cloth fur-lined, &c, 6d per pair. A Large Stock of Ladies' and Children's Felt and Straw Hats at 3d., 4d., 6d.; Is. and ls. lOd., much less than half OriginalJprice. ''' t ~ __' J ■ 1.. / J. GILMOUR, DRAPER AND GLOVER • Upper Symonds Street, and TANGYES, LIMITED, 1 ii 9, bathurst^t.,lsydne| v KEEP THE LARQ^-STQCK OF^ ;iv, ,$A AiA_ QF - . Z.ArA-'Z.:. Wms& BOILERS, PUMPS, liftM machinery,' w And respQqtfylly request intending Buyers to forward 0^ tftffejequiremQnts beforeordering* ' A'r'iivA'-^'^ '■■/ A:AAZZA' ri:V"':'". TANGTES, i-IMITEP,