TOPICS OF THE DAY.

(From Our London Correspondent.)

A Batch of Good Storiks—Lord H artington IND bADY HAKCOURT-THE RETORT COUR TEOUS-THEATRICAL FAILURES-A LONG RON-BUFFALO BILL.-THE THEATRBS-A New Plunger - Carlton's Defeat at Km-ALucky- Tip AT p Sandown- The Best Novels. The "Pall Malls PrTzeComfetition-Lady Lytton's Life -The Gifted Novelist Exposed-Cheap ■ Editions, &c, &c,

I don't much like retailing the good stories ons hears at Clubs, because they sooner or later get into the papers, and then one gets accused of plagiarism. Here, however, are a few which may be new in your part of tho world. A Christian and a Jew got wrecked together at sea. They were just giving way to thirst, starvation and salt water, when a ship hove in sight. ". A sail! a sail!" shouted the Christian. " A sale," gurgled the Jew, who had all but left his uncomfortable quarters on the raft for Abraham's bosom, "a sale!" (then more excitedly) " S welp me, just my luck. I haven't got a cata logue !" Tho High Church belles of Brixton ami similar suburbs justified themselves for going to an exceptionally smart ball given in Lent by dancing only with very thin men— dcs gens maigres, don't you know.

" Vanity Fair " is responsible for the fol lowing gem of an advertisement: —"Mrs Samuels, having left off clothing of every description, respectfully invites inspec tion."

Dr. Temple, travelling in the under wound recently, entered, into conversation with a particularly bumptious Yankee. "I rather guess, Bishop," said the latter at last, " that with all your Divinity studies you can't direct me the straight road to heaven." "Oh ! yes, I can," replied His Lordship gravely. '" Turn to the right ; then keep straight on."

A pretty girl entered a London 'bus tho other day, when it was quite full, and after tho manner of most females under such cir cumstances, looked round for ft, foolish man who would give up his seat to her. No one rosei but a smart-looking fellow with a little boy sitting on his knee put the child down, and murmured audibly, " Be a polito lad, my son, and give up your seat to the lady !" ' _ . Despite his apparent heaviness, Lord Hartington is not without humour, and oc casionally says a really good thing. One of • his doiM moU was going the rounds of Sandown last week. His Lordship, it Bcems, diner! with tho Harcourts ono Wednesday during the debate on tho Crimes Bill, and took. Lady Harcourt into dinner. The latter, who is not a very brilliant woman, chose to dilate rather inopportunely on the political ditVcrenccs between Sir Wm Harcourt and her guest. " You used to bo such allies," quoth she, "and now I really daresay you'd like to see my husband -hanged."- "No, indeed," Lord Hartington replied, "I only wish to see him mixpciid&d,' First-night audiences in London grow more exiijtant and more rowdy every year, it the Royalty Theatre last Saturday a lovely scene was witnessed. The crowded house, after listening to Mr Mark Melford's new and original comedy of "Toy" in ominous silenco, .insisted on calling tho unfortunate young author. He came for ward blushing and smiling, only to be re warded by a perfect storm of hisses, which were unrelieved by even a single clap. I have also, I regret to say, to chronicle two other failures, tho revival of " Madame Favart," at the Avenue, and the production of fche'mueh'talkecVof " Red Lan}P " at the Corii'e'ay?' The former came to grief through* A-fthtir-Roberts^being cast for a part quite qnfrb£ biff line., and m which he broke down utterly.'The latter is a-.very pretensions' Nihilist drama with a fair plot, but weak and tiresome dialogue. Mr Boerbohm- Trep.made a hit in thepai-tofa Russian detective, and Lady Monckton was fair as the heroine : but the pair couldn't save the piece, which will never get'as far as Aus tralia. ,

At the Vaudevile Theatre on Wednesday, Robert Buchanan's " Sophia " (which owes its great success chiefly to Miss Kate Rbrke's charming acting in the title role) was performed f°r the.3ooth time. But this house is noted for its long runs. During the James and Thorne management "Two Roses" was played 490 nights, "The School for Scandal" 450 nights, "Our Boys" 1,362 nights,, and "Con fusion "457 nights. " The Road to Ruin " also epjoyed two long runs here. f The fair " Mimi " Anderson's experiment ol doubling the parts of Hermione and Per dita in p A Winter's Tale " seems to have been, crowned with complete success. The critics, yfho went down to Nottingham for the trial performance last Saturday tele graphed columns of raptures to the Sunday papers. ..No doubt " A Winter's Tale " will now be the iricce, de resistance of the fair American's coming season at the Lyceum. 'The "show" heroes of the hour are the Sfild West cow-boys and Indians, who jave taken up their quarters in the neigh bourhood of Earlscourb, and are vigorously "doing" the siehts of London. Mr Cody ''Buffalo Bill") himself was inducted into the sacred mysteries of the Garrick Club by Mr Irving, and amid the convivial good fellowship of the smoking-room, is said to have! unbent and told some capital yarns. Everyone pronounces him modest, unassum ing; gentlemanly, "just in point of fact what you' wouldn't expect, "as some fellow rudely but pithily observed. ■'A great success has been scored at tho Italfaii Opera with a revival of Bizet's first opera, " Leila ; or, The Pearl Fishers.'' 'A new " plunger " made his appearance at Epson* last' week in. the shape of a young ironmaster just of age, and said to be worth nearly a million. Novices gener ally win a bit to begin with; but this youngster's ventures were hot propitious ; indeed, 'tis said lie dropped £15,000 on the week. Mr Wedderburn, the Scotch laird whose heavy losses at Newmarket last October were so much talked about, has, on the other hand, begun the season luckily. At Newmarket during the Craven week he had £3,000 on Camaralzaman, £1,0,00 on Anarch, and £5,000 on Anamite. They all won. It is generally conceded that the Manton stable lost the City and Suburban, just as they did the Cesarewitch, by bad riding. Carlton refused to gallop under the whip (which little Calder used through sheer neryousness), but directly-it was dropped thWcbltf shot out like an arrow, and a few yards,past the post had.beaten the winner. The latter, Imay mention, wasa thoroughly exposed animal, by no means favourably handicapped, and trained in a small stable. The owner (Mr Wardle) had not 'a bet on the'- race, but his friends and. Rainbird (the trainer) backed ' the mare kindly for a place.' Merry Duchess is a five-year-old, by Speculum, out of Grand Duchess, and has on previous occa jßb«* run well at Epsom. The heavy losses eHhe Manton stable over Carl ton and Gay Hermit were not much modified by The OfcV^,.victoryin the Great Metropolitan. B»Ve Lord Zetland's Warpath, nothing else waS .'backed, and the Duke of Beaufort's commission barely averaged 12'.t0 1". Th& scratching of Saraband on Tuesday after noon, rat"the very moment the colt was first favourite, for the.. City and . Suburban, caused• a'lot lol.talk, and will not tend,to increase Mr Childwick's popularity.: ■

'Amongst'the backers of the winner for t'lje City and Suburban was Mr George ,R. .Sims; who plunged a fiver on Merry Duchess when remindedTDy Mr Wardle (the owner) tlfafc.;tl]ie' mare1 had, been named after the sjjq^tivig opera he "and poor Frederick Clay, wrote for Misg-Kato'Santley some years'

back. Dick Dunn laid Dagonet L6O to 5, and, needless to say, several bottles of Moet, 1880, were cracked when the good thing dame off. In the " Pall Mall Gazette's " recent prize competition for naming the best eleven novels in the English language, Thackeray's " Vanity Fair " is unanimously pronounced " the best novel of all" ; Diclcens's " Pick wick " the best humorous novel; Rider Haggard's " She" the most imaginative romance; Charles Reade's '' Never Too Late to Mend " the best novel with a pur pose ; Marryat's " Midshipman Easy " the best tale of seafaring life ; George Eliot's "Adam Bede" the best tale of country life ; Wilkie Collins's " Woman in White " tho best sensational novel; " Robinson Crusoe" the best tale for boys ; " Charles O'Malley " tho best Irish tale, and " The Heart of Midlothian " tho best (Scotch novel. I have no particular fault to find with most of the selections. Surely, however, Clark Russell's tales of seafaring life as it really is are better than Marryat's imaginative yarns. I wonder, too, considering tho marvellous efl'ect created by " Unclo Tom's Cabin," that it did not head tho list of novels with a purpose. Tho " Memoirs of tho Late Lady Lytton," just published, throw a lurid and ghastly light on the character of her distinguished husband, who, it is now abundantly evi dent, was a mean and miserable rullian in private life. Tho present Earl might havo saved himself the trouble of suppressing tho notorious "Vindication" three years back. Tho whole shocking story comes out now, and in a form that renders its accept ance by the public certain. [ hear that tho Buhver family are moving heaven and earth to persuade Purdie and Smith not to circulate the work, but that they havo boon unsuccessful so far; Ono thing is certain ; fow will care to dip into the ardent lover of " The Good, the True, and the Beauti ful . works again, after perusing the book. Recent cheap editions include a" Prim rose" edition of "Lord Beaconfield's Letters," at '2s ; James Payn's delightful " Hoir of the Ages1' at 3s (3d; Onida's " Othmar " at 2s ; Miss Spender's Irish tale "Till the Day Breaks" at 2s; Ticho Hopkins's " Twixt Love and Duty " at 2s, and Mrs Nolley'ts " Red Riding Hood" at 2s. The last-named I remember as a rather good novel of its class.

Julian Sturgis begins a new story called "Thraldom " in Longman's for May,

An eruption of " shilling shockers" in cludes "That Imp," a short characteristic story by tho author of and aftor tho manner of •' Bootle's Baby ;" " The Groat Hesper," a diamond-seeking romance by Frank Barrett, whoso recent efforts havo not boon a patch on " Little Lady Lint'on ;" and " The Fair Wang," a quaint Chinese yarn by Hon. Lewis Wing-field.

Tho Saturday "Review," "Spectator," and " Athonieum " unanimously pronounco Hardy's new novel, " Tho Woodlanders," tho best thing ho lias written sinoo "Far From tho Madding Crowd." Unfortunately, analytical studies of rustic life and charac ter are not to evcryono's taste. 1 confess I prefer " Tho Mayor of Castorbridge." A six-shilling edition of "The .Silenco of Dean Maitland,1' has just been published by Kcgan, Paul ami Co. Tho author's real name still remains a mystery The short ntories James Payn has con tributed to tho magazines during tho lastfew years are being ru-issued by Chattos in three volume form tie " Ulow Worm Tales." They are fairly readable,but won't compare for a moment with the yarns of Fayn's pupil and friend, Grant Allen.

Death of the Duchess of Norfolk.

The death of tho Duchess of Norfolk, at lour o'clock, was a merciful release from much suffering. She had been afllicted for some years past with in' ernal cancer. The Duchess had endeared herself to all classes by her unfeigned piety, her sweetness of disposition, her cheerfulness, and by her extreme charity. Her lifo was greatly spent among the poorest, visiting thorn in their homes even in the Drury Lano and East-end " slums." In tho neighbourhood of Arundel the momory of the " good Duchess" is not likely to bo easily forgotten,, and her death has been received with every sign of deep felt regret. The Duke of Norfolk has boon cruelly tried. To tho loss of his mother, in March of last year, must now bo added that of his wife, and it is said that the health of his only, but much aillicted, son is never likely to improve. Her father, Lord Dorrington; her younger brother, Hon. Gilbert Hastings; and her sister, Lady Egidia Hastings, Avere with the Duchess to the last. She will bo buried next week in the Fitzalan Chapel, at Arundel.

A Pretty Story.

Theke -was once a tailor who had a beautiful daughter. All the young men from far and near came to visit her because of her beauty. Two rivals sought her one day, and said :—

" It is on your account that we have come hither."

" What do you want of me ?' she replied, smiling.

" We love you," returned the two young men, " and each of us "wishes to marry you."

The maiden, being well brought up, called her father, who listened to the two lovers, and then said :—

" It is late ; go home now, but come again to-morrow, and you shall then know which of you may have my daughter." At daybreak the next morning the two young-men returned. "Here we are," they cried to the tailor ; " remember what you promised yesterday."

" Wait a little," he replied; "I am going to town to buy a piece of cloth ; when 1 return home with it you Khali learn what I expect from you."

When the tailor returned from town, he called his daughter, and on her appearance he said to tho young men : —

" My children, there ate two of yon, and I have but one daughter. To whom shall I give her ? Whom must I refuse ? Behold this piece of cloth ; I will cut from it two suits of clothes exactly alike ; each one of you must sew one of them ; he who finishes bis task first shall have my daughter." Each of the rivals took his task and pre pared to set about it. The father called hi 3 daughter and said to her : " Here is the thread j make it ready for the'two workers."

The maiden obeyed her father, and, taking the bundle of thread, seated herself near the young men. Bub she was as clever as she was beauti ful. , Though her father did not know which of the two she loved, nor the young men themselves, :she knew well enough. The tailor went away, the maiden prepared the thread, the young men took their needles and began to sew. To the one she loved the beauty gave short needlefuls, but to the other she did not love she gave long needlefuls. They sewed and sewed in eager haste. At eleven o'clock the work was not half done ; but at three the young man who had short needlefuls had completed his task, while the other had yet much to do. When the tailor returned the conqueror brought the completed suit, while hia rival still sat sewing. ' ■•-

"My children," said the father, "I did not wish to favour one more than another, that was why I divided the cloth into two equal parts and told you, ' He who finished his task first shall ■ have my daughter.' Did you understand me ?"

"Father," replied the two young men, "we understood you, and accepted the test; what must be, must." ■-..■;■

The tailor had reasoned thus :— "He who finishes first will be tho most skilful workman, and consequently better able to support a wife," but he never imagined that his daughter would give long needle fuls to a man she did not wish to marry. Cleverness carried the day, and the maiden really chose her own husband. • • ■ l

FARMING IN THE WAIKATO.

BY F. LA WRY.

As indicated in my first article, Mr Rey nolds expects at no distant date to have the wholo of his estate around the factory occupied by settlers holding sections of the land, which Avill in all probability vary from 50 to 150 acres in extent. As the settle ment increases provision will doubtless be made to take all the milk such settlers can produce upon the land purchased. Some of the purchasers have already erected comfortable homesteads upon their hold ings, and have permanently settled there with their families.

A short distance from tbe factory there is a commodious school-house and teacher's residence, and as 1 rode past the school at mid-day, scores of bright, healthy, well dressed, intelligent-looking children were romping and shouting in tho play ground, to all appearance oblivious of the existence of social grades or class dis tinctions. Glorious features these in colonial country life, which the parents of those children appeared to me to illustrate in their daily intercourse with each other. Men tally hoping that tho enterprising proprietor of tho factory would realise his most sanguine expectation's, and that the new settlors would "prosper in his pros perity," I proceeded to bee an old friend of mine, viz., Mr. Ben. Comer, whois'acom paratively now colonist and who hay only been two or throo years in tho district. This gentleman belohestoan old yeoman family in tho county of Somersetshire, where they have farmed for gone'rtttiorts; principally 0,1 grazing farmers My friend was so engaged up to tho timowhon he determined to try his fortune in this new country. Soon aftor his arrival here I accompanied him to tho district where he now resides, :ind lie purchased an estate upon which he has crect'.d a comfortable homestead, planted an orchard and sheltering trues, and now tho whole aspect lias an inviting and homo liko appearance. I believe ono of tho things which induced Mr. Comer to invest in Pukekura was tho dry nature of the soil. As he had been a heavy loser in the old country from the effects of what was loeaiy known as "the bano " or conri in his sheep, caused by their depasturing on the rich marshy lands of which tho Somersetshire ilats arc composed; Most of your readers arc doubtless awaro that this disease U caused by flukes which eat into the liver of tho sheep, and when once these tnko possession of the animal in "tills way, death is inevitable, the only remedy being to send them to tho shambles directly the existence of the infection is discovered. Whilst thus digressing I may state that the Hock owners of New Zealand cannot be too grateful for the immunity they enjoy in tho almost entire absenco of this terrible scourge in their flocks, and in a no less degree should their thankfulness abound on account of their immunity from troubles owing to tho maggot in their sheep, which i« such a source of trouble and loss to tho EnglL-h farmer at certain reasons of the year.

Id tho course of conversation with Mr. Comer on this matter, ho stated that if tho maggot troublo prevailed in New Zealand to the same extent as in the old country; the sheep owners would bo handicapped out of existence, us in the old country, in sultry wonther, tho flocks linve to be iuppfctorf nt least twice a day. Indeed, it seems mys terious that whist the Hies deposit their " blows " alive here in any animal that is in a weakly state and unablo to stand, they very rarely do co in tho healthy sheen, even though the animal is allowed to remain in a stato of "dirt" which would bo looked upon as certain to invito the attacks of the fly in tho old country. In his operations Mr Comer has departed from hie original intention to con lino his farming to tho purpooes of grazingVj^as tlio low and irregular prices of live stock havo compelled him to adopt tho same course as his neighbours, viz., a rotation of vli<ai. root', and then n return to pasture. But I regret to pay that the result* have not been in a pecuniary sense of a highly satisfactory nature, or. in other words, Mr Comer has, likomostofbisneighbours"Bpenthisstrength for nought." This result, however, is not attributable to lack of productiveness in the land, but solely to the low prices obtained for what the land produced. Whilst the price paid for it was considered reasonable at tho time tho purchase was mado, if land for occupation is only worth what you can make out of it, Mr Comor bought his land too dear. Nevertheless he is satisfied that he could not have done bettor in any country place and possibly might havo fared a great deal worse. Tho first year of settling on the place ho grew turnips enough to fatten about 50 steers. These were bought in as stores at £i each, and when fattened roalteed £8. This was a re munerative transaction which unfortunately is not likely to be repeated for some time to come. This year a considerable area of wheat and oa's was grown, the samples being excellent, though the yield was in the case of tho wheat under 30 bushels to the acre, which was the estimated quantity. The turnip crop this year is very good in deed ; and from taking tho productions of the farm altogether, I am convinced that it only requires a return of agricultural pro sperity to cause Mr Comer to bo prosperous, and entirely satisfied with his farm, and also with the country of his adoption.

Above Mr Comer's farm (of which it once made a part) is situated the estate of Mr. T. Hicks. This estate, when first taken up for practical farming, comprised about 700 acres, and was then owned and occupied by Mr Francis Hicks, a gentleman who sold out a farm at Napier,1 and at the instigation of Mr Reynolds purchased it. This was about 12 years ago, and it was then for the most part in a state of nature, the natural growth being fern and ti tree scrub. The operations were started by Mr Hicks in a most vigorous manner, and in almost an in credibly short space of time hundreds of acres were ploughed, fenced, and sown in grass. The operations were watched with considerable interest, as Mr Hicks declared his intention to subdue the fern upon the same principle as was adopted on the Napier runs viz., by stamping it out with heavy stocks of sheep. With this object the paddocks were made compara tively small, and sheep woro brought over land from Napier. Tho experiment was not a success either itr regard to its financial aspect orin thomatter of producing good grass. After a series of experiments Mr Hicks became veryßuocessf.nl in bringing sheep from Napier, and fattening them upon the excellent grass which he afterwards obtained,, aided by the growth of large quantities of turnips. About six years after the period of his first occupation; Mr. Hicks became impressed with the idea that there was a great future for tho dis trict. Stock was sellinewell, the land was in great request, and ho added to his holdingover 1,000 acres of swampy and undulating land about two miles distant, and he continued to import sheep largely from Napier. Soon after making the la^t purchase of land, stock of all classes greatly depreciated in value, and the sheep trade became unprofitable. Subsequently the original farm was subdi vided and sold in three sections ; but before it was disposed of, it was made one of the prettiest places in the Waikato. An avenuo a mile in length was planted leading up to the house which was erected on tho tcp of a hill shaped like an inverted bee hive. Tho base and sides of the hill were covered with ornamental trees, and at the back a piece of swamply land was drained comprising about eight acres. This was planted as an orchard, which being now about nine or ten years old, produces many ton* of apples annually. The bulk of them finds local buyers on account of its excellent quality, whilst this year a considerable quantity of cider has been made. Perhaps on no farm in the Waikato has a greater degree of enterprise been manifested than on this estate, and it is satisfactory to know that a

nephew of the original owner still owns and farms the homestead, with about 250 acres Shed thereto. The balance is owned and occupied by Mr Seabrooke, who was for years an officer in the Mount Eden Stockade, and who now farms in the same way as Mr Comer and others in the locality. Above Mr Seabrooke's farm the river runs close to the road, and here all farming ope rations on the east side of the Pukekura road terminate. On the south side ot the road at this point, lying between it and tie commencement of tho rolling Land afc me base' of the Pukekura ranges, stands the farm of Mr William Vosper, which bear.? the name o£ " Dingley Dell." This is. an estate characterised by considerable beauty, and if this were nob a utilitarian age, wucu renders " living by sentiment" an utter im possibility, tho lover oE the beautiful might wander about bhisplace ami its surroundings with every prospect of having his artistic instincts gratified. It has always been a favourite resort for sportsmen, and, like its namesake in " Pickwick," many parties have wandered over its surface with dog and gun. I have frequently made one ot such parties, but never without reflecting on the scenes depicted by the immortal Dickens, or without feeling that tho pleasure of tho sport has been enhanced by some reference being made to Mr Wardeli, Sam Weller, Mr Pickwick, the Punch, or tho wheelbarrow which was brought into requisition for Mr Pickwick's benefit. Indeed, a ramble over Mr Vosper's farm has the elFect of causing ono to realise to an unusual degree the wonderful conception of Dickens and his faithful natural por traits, and it has appeared to us as though tho only things not realiseablo in our case wore tho " punch," or the necessity of the wheelbarrow.

I fear, however, you, Mr Editor^ will consider this article altogether too diffusive, and not in accordance with my declared in tention to describe farming in the Waikato as I saw it. In my next article I will endeavour to describe Dingley Dell as it was when I first saw it, and as ib \» under Mr Vesper's management. - N.Z. Farmer.

Humorous.

A \vi> tk in time strengthens the soda water. It is the spur of the moment that makes time ily. The Drink Question -" Wot'll yer 'aye?" A knotty problem on board an ocean steamer : How far have we run to-day ? There arc a groat many things that cause a man to drink, and one of them is thirst. " An advance in iron," as the soldier Raid when the enemy's shells came hurling through tiie air, The thermometer would be more popular if it pulled down the price of coal as well as the merwry. Voltaire wiid that he never regretted rromar to law but twice. Once when he Tost) the suit, and once when he won it. One man in Germany has made and sold over three thousand thei'moractorH. This is what you might call making money by decrees. "Tliit; seems to bo a mighty poor land, stranger,'1 said a traveller to a farmer loan ing on his fence. "What do you grow hero ?" " Grow la/y," was the response. The landless man who used to Hay that he writ) sure of six feet of earth one day was lose in mid-ocean. It is never safe to be sure of anything that hasn't come to pp.ss. Fond Father : " Don't you think I ought to have my daughter's voice cultivated ''", Tortured guest (impressively): "I think you ought to have something done with it." Angel darling: "Mamma, where did baby come from ':" Fond mother : " Papa bought him in the market;." A. D. : ■" Why clicl'n him div' sixpence more and dit one wif hair on ?" " Ma, there's a hole in my shoe, and it's full of water." " Well, come here, and let mo cut another hole, so the watcr'll run out."' Who says a woman doesn't reason ? A witness, giving evidence in a byciclo case, stated this as the result of his observa tions—"lf you ride slow, you turn over yourself; if you ride fast, you turn over someone else." Tlio only way to shine, even in this false world, is to be honest and unassuming. There may bo a thick crust, but in the course of time truth will find a place to break through. Mobilo has a brass band with a con science. It goes out in the suburbs on a Sunday, and hides itself in the woods to practise. At a distance of two or three j miles the music is simply entrancing. A bookkeeper, 'walking through Rodney street, and seeing "Dr." on every other house, remarked that it would look a little more' regular if there was an occasional " Or." on the other side of the street. Two little boys were discussing the merits of their respective fathers. "My father," said the hrst, " has been tin-co times round the world." " Pooh," said the other, "that's nothing; my father's been in gaol five years.'" A correspondent asks:—"When is the best time to pick strawberries !" The best time for this class of work is before the gardener g:ts up in the morning, and there' 3 j no big dog in the garden. I " It looks like the scene of a; great battle," remarked a traveller, viewing the work of a recent cyclone at the West. "Yes," said the native solemnly, and without removing his pipe, " tho placo was tuck by storm." When Coleridge's tragedy of " Remorse " was first produced, Sheridan had his jest upon the cavern scene, where tho percolating of the water is described. "Drip, drip, drip," said the satirist; '■' nothing but drip ping:'." A Bite of Something to Eat. —" Madam," eaid the tramp, " I'm hungry enough to eat raw dog." " Well," she resjaonded kindly, suiting the action to the word, "I'll whistle, some up for you." The tramp left, taking his appetite with him. A coloured cook, expecting company of her kind, was at a loss how to entertain her friends. Her mistress said, '■'Chloe, you must make an apology." " Missus, how can I make it ? I got'no apples, no eggs, no butter — no nuffin to make it wid." . # ' ... It is not an unfair sarcasm that is em bodied in the story of an organist who was asked : " Are you not a regular at tendant of tho church?" ''.Oh, yes," said he. "And are you a Christian?" "Oh, no," was the reply, "I am the organist." One day a professor lost all patience Avith ono of, his students, and in a rage told him that he had not the' sense of a brute. Upon hearing this the student told him he must apologise. The next morning the professor stood up'and said, ," I am called upon to apologise to Mr. for telling him that he has not tho sense of a brute, but I iioav revoke that and say that lie has tho sense of a brute." . Some years ago a United States naval officer, thought himself unjustly treated by the Naval Retiring Board, and made a complaint to his brother officers. " Well, Tom," s -id ono of his friends, "why do you submit to it, if it be so ? There is a man hero " (in Washington) " who will investi gate it for twenty dollars, and may correct it." >";What !" exclaimed the complainer, in reply to his Avoiild-be comforter, "do you supposed that 1 would take twenty dollars for such a grievance as this !",. ■John MTherson was very illused by his wife. He was even treated to an occasional thrashing. His friends rallied him upon this, and at last spurred him on to declare that he would make an effort to be master. Onp day not long after his better half was. so furious that he found himself compelled to seek shelter under the table. Just at this moment the voices of his friends were heard in the passage. "John M'Phcrson, come oot o\there, come oot," cried his wife fear ful of an'exposure. !'Na, na,1 cried John, n triumph; ".come- oot,' indeed—na, na.' I'll show you for yince that I am master."/-

THE AUCKLAND EVENING STAB, SATURDAY, JUNE 25, 1887.

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Business Notices- . .- . . ~ ; _ ;: ; mHB PUBLIC' TRUST__OPn_O_B OF NEW ZEALANIC ■*• ITS OBJECTS ARE SPECIALLY PROTECTIVE. ■ i *t V _. _. ■ , . ~„ v, a T7incr nflrfetited to make their wills, and who have not rfliy TheEaUtesof persons who &^ friends living In the colony read? • t°SP p '* t itw l to-receive them. All persons are, however, vi.-Red and MBiduea remitted to thOMleft^mfattl^o^to,, aQd uni^ ired faonl^ to instruct thoirßOllcitora as to the.- rwuißwnuß^y appointment of the Pnblio Inviolablo Becnrity for the Culfllmen tol i »«r WjB dot d jr fQr p cußtody aQy v o rrr v, ll ßL o?v, a8o 80w 0- xeo? t2t »? n °ninw i Kxeontor. Other Wills may be deposited on payment of a which the Public Trustee is appolnw«Ti«tomo^ Trust Office Acts, any prenent truetee toooiTenßhillingß. ■aubjßCttothe^oviß OM«^ Trustee, who will thereupon hold may transfer tho management ol horoto. such property upon the original trusts to, taomng im«ow. The scale of fees applicable 10 the elates of Statutes above referred to is as follows:- For iDVOstlngfunas. if the sum lent is over £1,000 -» - ..lj/per cent. rnu,, Pllh nn Tnißteo holds laree aums or money for krreatment on real security at current rate* nf i JtwMt AVy^uim may bo aSvaiicea on first mort?aA aof f,efhold property to.the extent aft Of interest. Any Hunßiui*y v nulicaclcrs for advanoea w, 11 be received at the various agencies one-half of itaactualv^-..J^^^ A 1g73 ,, reKißter Buch poli RffiffiSSSfJiSX rnaklng thereof, on payment ol a fee of flve Bhilliugs. m MORE L°CAL AGEN^ E. P. WATKIS, Auckland Agenc.



* ■■"-,' . \ fTTi'yTTMnVTAT Q —. —■ 'uiU ~~'' )fl!it*~ J.IVJ.V7IN ixiJ-iu* |A Cheap, Pleas^S!! From , Kcv ~ p o£ I AND ' wiii/nm ' WclJino'ton- | Effectual Remedy. |^p& you,- lunc; preserver af jf ___^ J^Wmmiik my wife and children almost $ = ; "-ujZ t> <j,,l i f/^ immef ij. iG re ii e f j „ Coughs and Colds, I^W^VJt^v^-^--^^^^■^^^^-■^^Mwo§M and mai ,y to whom Iliad the pleasure O3 \fM l|p^T^iefe^£ri!::-i'tJr!frr' =t-ferj; , 'f^ of reconjonendinfe your specific have ?JU I^^ P?< '' '///'^ spoken of it as invaluable. In one :| w[ffi\/^\)^ijjf jll^LMfl^- ' (///f' ca (>' when every remedy tried was ' fa^f%/3/JfnL.'.'O JL /"Tl~rTT J'r~i"TT'^ * '',', A was so distressing) the first dose of Hvl W-W' "^^V^-^r- v:if^~*\ %'i{/£l'' t* tsm '/onr Elixir was most effective. In "I t-"f^vi?tJ! Ml!mC H3XIR '^' *<'^ another case (sore throat) a cure was f \ A^i7^^^ s*^ |O V')'/"'W/''?i< i'O soon brought about chat the / V C^^W/i3^ D (VQ^^^lfliy r"1^011* resolved to take nothing else 'i/. P^«^ ** WS «^» Jj Wi'M^m Lyttelton. | -■«-.& fc'^K Wy^H^, |fi%f# ;3EU VER for an aflection of the I BfIONCHITfS, ASTHMA , . §Wm^i tbrcat, and deem it only just to in- Ihoarseness, Whooping Gquch.MpJ^ &T m y°u *ha r fc: h^ ye cx Pei; ien. ced- I LlrFlcaLTY OF BREATHING, i»«i|j 'eortainly recommend it to all w.ho mNDALL AFFECTIONS OF THE LUMCS,||(l#g suffer in a similar manner. P Bronchia, Tf?ACHEA,& URYNX.|«^g - ■ §d IReal Friend1 TonEPnEMHEB.BimE/iiymMm I and Public Sp£ah£r. w'wW& From EwAUT irige- 15gd,256d,4 6 Gd'3, 8«. J^H As a L^^^ 111 prepared ONLY BY fffjif SERVES is excellent. ft J. BAXTER, WSBWQ Wedical Hall, Victoria sTßEETMmMpt. % GHRISTCHURCK, W.Z.- , jMMf%JJ '^^SEKK^ES^^^^^^^g^g^^-t . SOLD EVERY"WHERE. . IMPOKTANT TO FUBCIiASERS ! Purchasers are requested to see that each packet of Lz -lg Preserver offered them for sale in a facsimile of tlie above drawing, and that oho "ords >- Baxter's Lun^ Preserver, Christchurch," are blown on the bottle". S+ Reiuse ail others as counterfeits. AGENTS FOR AUCKLAND : " Messrs SHARLAND and Co, CLOSE BROS., P. HAYMAN arid Co., and %Z. DRUG- COMPANY.



tfor every form of /**»£ 1 SKIN AND BLOOD tiff DISEASE J§s?\ Eczema on Scalp. 3TROM: Scrofula on Neck. DISFIGURING- liailOßS, Humiliating Ernp-pUTICURA RESOLVENT, the newßlowd Puri tions, itching and Burning Skin and Scalp \J fier, Diuretic, and Aperient, cleanses the Blood j Tortures, and every species of Itching, Scaly, and Perspiration of all Impurities and Poisonous j Pimply, Inherited, Scrofulous, and Syphilitic Dis-jElerneuts, and thus removes the CAUSE. Hence j cases of the Blood, Skin and Scalp, with Loss of it cures speedily, permanently, and economically. ■ Hair, from infancy to old age, are cured by Cuti- — cura Resolvent, the new Blood Purifier, inter- Cutieura, the Great Skin Cure (a Medicinal nally, mid Cimcuru and Cuticura Soap, the Jelly for external use), instantly allays Itching and great Skin Cures aDd Beautiners, externally. Inflammation, clears the Skin and Scalp otf Humors, : Sores, and Dandruff, destroys Dead Skin and Flesh,. Agonizing, Itching, ami Burning Slunjheals Ulcers, Sores, and Discharging Wounds, re- ■ " Diseases, Kczcmu, Tetter, Kiugworm, Psoriasis, stores the. Hair, and beautifies the Skin, :' ' Lichen, Pruritus, Dandruff, and' Delicate Irrita-J ; —: ; -. tions peciillnr to both soxes, instantly relieved by a Cuticura Soap, an exquisite Skia Beautifier warm bath with Cuticura Soai» and a single up. and Toilet Requisite, prepared from Cuticoka plication of Cuticura, the ereat Skiu Cure. This'is indispensable in treating Skin Diseases, Baby repeated daily, with three doses of Cuticura RE-jtTuraors, Skin Blemishes, Prickly Eeat, Hashes solvent, will speedily emu Itching Diseases of Sunburn, and Rough, Chapped, or Greasy Skin. ' the Skin and Scalp, when all other means fail. - ■' . _,- ~ ~ : ~ —; — Caticnra Koinedics' are the only real Blood A Magnificent Popular Work on the Skin, Purifiers and Skin Beautiners free from mercury With Engraved PJatcs, is wrapped about the Resol- arsenic, lead, zinc, or any other mineral or veue vknt. Also, one hundred 'lestiraouials, solemnlyjtable poison whatsoever. Guaranteed absolutely sworn to before the British Consul, which repeatipure by the Analytical Chemists of tb.c- State of this story: 1 have been a terrible sufferer for years Massachusetts. from Diseases of the Skiu and Blood; have bceu tv™ c-.i« i,.r »ii \,™a™« c j- • t. •?v obliged to shun public places by reason of my dis n^onnf °m& . ?*, °f PnCe' liguring humors; have had the best physicians; s^£ Mrt« fc,£s! l^n?v $ < S i°n n TICUI!A pure as a child's, i Scud to nuy wholesale druggist ,„ ° 1;^ «, S n ViV ?tv™ Xk? Tn & named in tho opposite column, for "How to Cure SS SSSSMff' 7 Wo.r p °" Bkin and Blood Diseases," Uinlt a U u bu^edln Or Address with Stamp, Prepared bt. the • ' E. Towns & Co., New South Wales.. JPotter Drug & Chemical Co., Boston, U.S. A



ENCOURAGE _LQCAL INDUSTRY. ••., CHARLES SMITH. :: " MAIv.ACTUREB Of B4SSINETTES. ■ FEBAMBULAToSs, INVALIDS' CARRIAGES, &c. AUCKLAND S IREI! x -,'' Thewholeof thenianu- , f fd cturing Is conducted r^*~. To prevent mistakes or undi r my personal su- Vw\WIPSIP!!W boinginopc 9d upon with porvieion and upon tho \lklSt/i'/''/./%va worthless imported premises. Tho materials - ■:.'. j ;,.; f - \MMsJwsWol§i Roods, which are dear ut aro of the best Dossibk'rf^s?*. wßsfW any Price> the public are kinds, the workmanship^ s*v\ \W%/ V &MS respectfully soliclred to is guarameed, aud tho A\ |fff:S»^l whola a.poearaaco 13 \i -=sss=ss^ w -amK^J^^^^^^'' BUY DIRECT The prioe.B nro con- \tll^®iiS^^ : ~.,T m » &%*& fIWISiBB MANUFACTURER. carriagfia, aud which uro ■ ■ W\ MMf 1 'i|l«f| Ag Two-thirds of tho Per decidedly inferior to my •''i!\v^^ tVTW^^^^^^^^ " imbulatorg. now belug productions on account M^^^m!^^\^r^^^§^ used in Auckland are ol ot their faulty workman- #P^3^sip^c?^^\^%grH?r^ my make, and tho de snu>, Imperfeot desian, Sin^^^^^^^^^y^^ryfJ^ n?«nd stUl increasing and general weaknoaa. u3—s'^?;^^S^w^r^\lwy^l^whiob *H?00^ eir Improved Basslnotto ' Ji\ >v\^^ the mipitovEm i bassmmte. PEKAMBULATOES OF ANY MAKE EEPAIEED OE TAKEN IN. EXCHANGE. FKLC® LIST-"POST ''FREE.I W. :; :



simge the weary adSiMF^'^Slm^Hf circulating systemsi J? &Sartd S1&%: vide yourself with thvrl bo.^you^^*93 covered by Dr "r r.S^T^ouS'rem^ 1 Medical Staff) ti's'i^^^fowne^SN ' Bio. raisbury, London, DearlTr into the country, and we& bSS+SP'W} its finding a place in every Aii,^T n v^H^of The o'jher brands, we are liamvtn^ n h6^ ' relegated to the native bazaars «*!' po" from their sale, we fancy their'S3ll^ I will be evanescent., AYe coW^?'4^ fe seances ad inUnUum ot^f^Wfr, «<ficacy of Dr. CoUis -Bro^fffiS^^- J diarrhoea, and DysenterY I™V -"^Wi IJfeHralgiaVthe Voii^tiSg of P rc S s4C^ : I tcneral sedative, that have S®.«i ;-: nerspnal observation duringS^^v Unoleraie Diarrhoea, and JwHi.'SS* h: terrible forms of Cholera W? *™ t he'imota:'; • Messed us surprisingly com^bfe^ W , Lave never used any oth^f^m^ttl-'''Witv cino than Collis Bro^^Sf^!"* that it is decidedly the be>,tand alsoXm* cUoiK of duty we owe to the pr ofcsK&aß^; as we are of epiniohthat thTsuh^F* any other than Collis Tjrovvne'sis tlOn*f- BREACH OV FAITH o\ TIIK r^"3^! CHEMIST TO. TO^ AXDMS^ —We are, Sir, laitr jullv vim™ ££££.■ - iPP- Members of tile P) iSSSS; His Excellency t! je Viceroy's CheS~? n>; lffil. "Worn-ta-STO ••Tlie.Timcs,'!,^^ cachW 'v bot- lcs at -ls 15a>2s M-^ 6d;^alis ;i' T f'n' r-N?, ne 1S Senllinc without■"■the words ''j)?3 men on theUovem-- -: men _ c stam p> Overwhelming medical testimony ac r r ompames each bottle. ' : VOVIUIH U/;:; Jaution.—Beware of Piracy.arid Irtiitatfok * ' , Manufacturer-J. T. DAVENPORT' 33* oreat Jtusscll-strcet, Blooinsbury,London.' ' S T E ...E D MA N 3S SOOTHING POWDERS FOR CHILDREN CUTTING' THEIR TEETH CAUTION TO PURCHASERS. " The value of this well-known Family Medicica has been largely tested in all parts'of the world.-' and in all grades o£society, for upwardsof fbtt* years. Its well-earned extensive; sale has ia-' duced spurious ■imitations, sprue of -whiciiia- 3 outward appearance so 'closely 'fesenible .tha"* original as to have dccci ve'd many! pnrohaseis.i The proprieter, therefore, feels it dueito .tin public to give a special caution against the W of such imitations. Purchasers are therefore requested carepjjl to observe the four following. dislinctiva characteristics, without whitii none are genuine :— k • , Ist. In every case the words Sous Sieed-1 max. Chemist, Walworth,;SurkMare £•■< graved on the Government Stamp to each packet. ■ 2nd. Each Single Powder: has difectiow foi ' the dose,' .find; the words' " John'Steednian,': Cheniist, Wal worth, Surrey," printed; fli'ewii.;, 13rd. The nameSteedman is always speltmfl tWiEE'S. ir jth. The manufacture is carried onsoleljia. T|\ Talworth,'Surrey. » rtS Sold in"Packets by all Cheraists ana-'Medw1 | ycndors,atlslidto2s9d'cach.'AgentsfKia?.' j I tiiorne, Prosseb.. and Co., Auckland, )Yd j lington, Cliristchurchi and Dunediu. • . i TTT'EA'HNG'S LOZENGES. ■ l\ ! •Oldest and BestCotighEeaaJr,' - "ffZ"EATIKG'S LOZENGES'. ': r M-i JCk. ■■".-;: ■:. .Oldest and Best Cough Keiacly. ■. K EATING'S LOZENGES. . Oldest and.Best Cough Remedy,: K EATING'S ■ LOZENGES. ■"'" " "Oldest and BestCongh-fifflSftf K EATING'S LOZENGES; ' jj ; Oldest and CBcstCoughiEemedi',: KEATING.'S: "LOZENGES. ■ i-"i' .. . Oldest and Best Cough fiemdr, K EATING'S LOZENGES. Oldest and Best Cough Remedy., KEATING 'S LOZENGES. Oldest and Best Cough Remedy.; K EATING'S LOZENGES. ' :Oldest and Best Cough Remody, X EATING'S-- LOZENGES. - .?■" m '• ; - Oldest and Best Cough: Remedy. \ 17" EATING'S LOZENGES. . JOk. . . "Any DOCTOB WILL , TELL TOC1 there is no better Cough MediaM: : • ■ 'than '■ KEATING'S LOZENGES.^; One gives relief; if you suffei-ffflife cough try them but. once;.theykw ."■ . '■ .' cure and thay'will noi.injurejonr ■" health; they contain only the purest: ■ drugs, skilfully compounded. Sold every where in small tins. 'mms KEATING'S WORM TABLETS, 1A PURELY, VEGETABLE:■BVfEBTM*(|; both in appearance and taste, furnishing apoftf, agreeable method of administering the;onir; certain remedy for INTESTINAL or THREAD" WORMS.. ■„ It is a perfectly safe and.mild^pre-,:: paration, and is especiallyadaptedfprChilarea. c —Sold in tins by all Chemists. ' • ■■ Proprietor, " THOMAS X K ATING, Londo.V, Export Chemist and Druggist. . ~ ,^ A WONDERFUL MEDICIST■ BEECHAM'S PILLS . " " yJV '■■ '■ -■■'■ ; Are: admittedly;. ■"'■ j^y^j H ''■■■■'- thousands1 -tpriM, , >> \>J%~~<lA\ .worth ■» Gninfia;}'- " f*<t/^ '^VV*\ Box for bilious aady ff(£}/ "' '"' !" \lftV nervous "disordfitSi.f S'^ PATENT W SS*#i; Rt»\ ——•=»—. /^7/smess,' cqM-clillSi » v<*\_ - ■ Itgl flushings- of.>a•-... : %^V •.■■•■•■"" A&J "losS^of iflPPE^',,:, • ' blotchesontlififH^ ■'.■■''■ - : TfeSr '•"■■'■■'■ ' 'disturbed BW.hr :.v..- €P& •■■■ • fright'■;f?^v and all nervous and trembling sensationsria^'" first dose will give relief in. 20 minutes-. ■-. !«n s.J^'*i.: fiction, for they nave done-it in tlipnsiinttsotcas^-?:. Every suCfereris earnestly-invited to try one bosi' .. thesa PiUs; and. they will he dotooirloagea to w ; , WORTH A GUINEA A BOX Fbr! females of all ages these Pills areinTßtob|,,.... as a few doses of them carry off aUgrosshnm^, ' open all obstructions, and bring about."ygrL,,,., required; No females should 1"- There is no medicine to be founa..to M^J,,-^.-• BEECHAiI'S PILLSrfor removing any £<»*?*, ;t tion or irregolarity : of ..the' system.^ jZ r i~ m ■■ ■ according to the directions,,given.w^MJa"■•"■ theywill soon restore females^f all.ages to soaJJa, and robust health. '' ' ' .. - n flall ' ■ For a weak stomach, impau^aaifest'oa,™^, ■ disorders of the liwr.they act hke ;; .MAtriv, a few closes will be found to work.wonders nppn^ ~,,. ■ most important organs of the «Sf^^ They : strengthenVthe' 'who e^musoo^r , restore the long,lost complexion,wm"^ th keen edge of'appetite ,naidai-oMemto|ctiqnF theßOSEßUDofliealththewhotephys}ca^ne| S . : . . of ■ • the ■ human' ifraine. : These-we £ -;, admitted by thousands society; and one of the ,tet guowntees wv^:.. nervous and debiUtated is,. Beechams^i ... tholargestsaleof wiypatentmeQieitt?intn^i., As a remedy.f or Coughs culty in Breathing, Shortness^Br^n,^ 5..g^,,-andOpprcssionoftheGhesy^ezui^i^^,s..g^,,- andOpprcssionoftheGhesy^ezui^i^^, ,| Pills stand unrivalled; 0 -'' -J of the,abovercemßlau^neflaoniy Sox to prove that they are the "';4co'&ts. . the public for AsthmftticandConsumguve V,^, ~ . Hoarseness and Oppression^. W^ ddifli . ; BpeecUlyremovethat sense Of oeprPW ;;tho culty of breathmff;whiph nig'iHj^P , ;stai( i patientof rest. ThergJ-vealmpst^taM tress , comfort to thosealmdted wth the aßore r , 2s. 9d. each.-Sold ,by all DrnggK ; ~, . ,