Comical Christmas Cards.

(J9y a Jocular Judge).

w_. T is no light task, nor is it a !S/srfi@> particularly agreeable one, to <sS§il Qf <r 0 through a list of several «lE| Jfi hundreds of competition &§^m , poem., and pick out the Apart from thcactua labou gnrnprospectonavin t d ot irate poets v,no v f i award (fc°- the/\°rth oS oil and difficulty, omyod at ij th w mac of the settles not ing excep £ ufe .^ judges. But the nan ad j ucabion compensations andthygehg SSn am is that stern joy "which udges feelin coming across a rare flash of original genius, a gleam of genuine fancy or the coruscation of a felicitous T nroT»«e civinc a few specimens of rejected Ses-tlmflotsain and jetsam of the poetical conjltition-for their delectation. Before proceeding to quotetheunconscious humour enshrined in some of those competi tive Christmas and New Year mottoes, I would mention a few curiosities of the contest. Many poets, in their eager haste, evidently forgot to read the conditions, and sent in long poems when the length is nob to exceed four or eight lines. "Marion Bent duly marked as a competition piece, a poem entitled "The Sultan's Prayer on the Fall of Plevna'—an effusion which, how-over creditable to the young lady, had to be remorsely thrown out of the race. There were some curious uses made of words in verses otherwise very meritorious. _ Thus, 41 Erie" &&s for gl°rious hallelujahs to "eild the skies," and asks heaven's battle ments to * resounoF the combination' —the latter now freing strikingly suggestive of a coalition of two nigger minstrelijtowtl A very clever contributor, "Twelfth Nieht," in hit' dire need to find a rhyme, manufactured the new word "pabular, but the passage is so good that I quote it in full :—

To eat and drink., largo numbers are content. And then thoy tfrink the day has been vrelL But tlose who seek for mental vabtdar, Will find it in the Christmas number of The Auckland Stab.

l> If) must be granbed that, this is a rough and *eady way of getting over the difficulty, but a more ingenious person, who respected tho lexicographers, would have twisted it somehow thus: —

But thosa who seek: for mental pabulum Will find it in The Auckland Star, by gum!

The moral of all this is that big words are dangerous things to tackle ; in speech they •are regular " jaw-breaker," and in writing ithey are too often tho of mental 'confusion.

But let us to our muttons ! Here is one inootr fellow, " Piko," whoa* effusion has got 'sickllied o'er with the pUe cast ot the depression. He writes:—

■ yet pltasa accept this New V.ear's card ; jyoui jour impecunious maud. Not much of a " Happy New Year " about ■ that, is these '( Strikes me the impecunious imp might enploy his money-better than in ; sending such a, message.

Ah '.here is a dainty little piece signed "Daisy "-r-nmsb be a sweet thing, I fancy. It opens:—

What raoan those chiming bells That tails upon our ear * I seem to hear thorn say, „ " We wish you Chnsimas*cheer. i«Stnn ston "Daisy" darling! You don't iS to say Jhatalotofbelsfellonyour ' ear ; but I suppose they did, for how other ;wisec?n I account for you writing " bells tha^ falls?" I'm glad that I'm not near •one particular "belle "at this moment, or . something might "fall upon my ear "that would make it ring !

"Tarawera" thus discourses on "The Christmas Goose" :~- The wretch who at this jovial time. Throws discord in the merry chime, And frowns while others sportin glee-r- The only Christmas' Goose 13 he! ' Trameat, as the logicians say, for; jib is mighty little Christmas goose I m likely to get And speaking of that here is "Riro Riro" who very properly despises the pleasure of the table in this summer, clime. Tfiis is what he says :—

v , 0 tell us not of rich sirloin, ! Boast goose, or any course i Of pudding, steaming in its pride, i ; Or drowned in scaldinsc sauce. I ' Speak not of dainties edible, i But seek Rome cooling glade, ■ The moisture streams from every pore— "Tis 90' in the shade. " Pore " fellow ! Let us hope he won't take to anything hotter or stronger than straw' berries and cream to keep up the supply of " moisture." Another effusion in a girlish !hind, signed "Pearl" this time, awakens ,soit emotions and fond anticipations of something soothingly sentimental; but warned by the "Daisy" disappointment, I 1 don't exactly build my hopes upon this ;" pearl of great price.' This is what 1•• Pearl" writes :—

May the New Year bring with it joy, i ' To those with poverty oppressed, i God grant to every girl and boy Plenty of food and sufficient rest, I jud^e that "Pearl" is a little girl wh° ; was cfreaming of Christmas holidays when she /ramed this verse,;_ bujb shft w more : practical than poetical in her form of ex pression. An Auckland Jach Homer vents ; pis'ieeling? in this, fashioii :ttt >~,.. •... ,

Hurrah for Father Christmas, , With his pudding" and his cake, 1 And the holiday ho Tirings us, How happy all he makes! His dear old face I love to see, " % It makes me feel so gay, • r. .; , i I wish he would conve oftener, 1 Or make a longer stay! ... ; , That reminds pne of Pat's opinion of mile stones—" They're very cheering, but they would be better if they werent so far apart!" But it would seem that it isn't " Father Christmas " that we see here at al), but a youthful scion of the ancient race who comes to visit us. This is how it happens, according to a well-informed correspon dent:—

Old Father Xmas caught a cold, which settled

in his chest; „ . . . go sent his son to visit us, while <he enjoyed a Wheifflrsfthis rising youth set out upon his

southward track, , , . Full many a wrap, to keep him warm, he wore upon his back. «..«_, _v- „ i, Bujtere he reached our southern snore, he ;BHoffed them, one hy one; "XWfound his welcome still too warm when journeying was done. , He wiped the moisture from his brow, and fairly casped for breath, , ■'..'' , ,-■„ Then said, 'My gracious! wheres the enow? I'm nearly baked to death.

It is but fitting that young Xmas should have a youthful laureate, and here is an effusion by a very young boy or girl, judging by the writing,:—

For generally at Christmas men have too much to drink, But we have no money to waste; So, when we go shopping, we always do think | What'thinprs we do like to taste. '■; /. So when Christmas is past we do have a little rest. . '' • ■" " t • Some pion so to work to do their best; To gain a little money for the New Year; , . For all things at that time are generally dear. The youthful author had doubtless fresh recollections of church bazaars in pending: the last line, for all things there are "generally dear," and those dens of temp- j tation (to spend money) usually abound about the Christmas and New Year season. Yet another dainty not© from a lady J Why

it's our old friend " Daisy " again, and this is tho hopeful strain that she sings :—

Though troubles may around us ring, And seasons of depression arise. Yet peace and goodwill may Christmas bring, And up above a Star a prize. • That's a very good shot, but these " shoot ing stars " always end in emoke. If it had been a love piece that was wanted, " Daisy" would have had a better chance. Here is another of her pieces :—

1 love. O, what do I love 1 the question is* 1 love my honTc though far away, And think of that swept parting kiss, On that happy Christmas Day. With one fond look of love. Ho look my hand and said good-bye, Again to meet at Christmas, Dove, In love united, you and I.

Now I've got to the bottom of the heap, and as might have been expected " A Bush Settler" has been supporting the lot. Brave pioneer settlers, ye are Auckland's " backbone," but you are not yet aufa.it at writing mottoes for Christmas cards. There is something patriotic in the following, how ever, which will extort admiration after the reader has gqt over the inevitable smile. This is the " Bush Settler's " sentiment :— Humility, Humility, star of the brave appear. Thou rose both human and divine, by Christ

transplanted here, , Shine forth in all our statesmen, throughout tlie

coming year, , , . . That they may wipe off our country s debt, as wiping off a tear. Let not, " humility " dwell in the rear! For when foremost at heart, in the wisest peer, It gaineth him over, a hearts-felt cheer. But gaineth him never a hearts-felt sneer.

THANKS. Please wrap up the books, without a fear, Address them plain bo that they'll steer, To the public library of Whangarei, "As a gift from you," aud not from me!

This competitor, to avoid any possibility of his getting public credit for his intended generosity, did not forward his name, but his address is Forest Gate, Otonga. All honour to him, say I, and I'm only sorry that I have not the conscience to award him first place in the competition. You sco it was poetry, and not patriotism, that was wanted, and after all no earthly reward is adequate for either. So the "Bush Settler " and all other authors of " rejected addresses " must look for their reward else where. Good-bye, kind competitors all! A Happy New Year to you, for you have done much towards giving me " a Merry Christmas 1"

Christmas Measure.

1 Christmas picnic make 1 flirtation, 3 Flirtations " 1 squeeze or the hand

4 squeezes " 1 kiss. 5 kisses V 1 Moonlit meeting, 2 Moonlit Meetings " 1 wedding. 2 Weddings " 4 Fools.

Some Christmas Conjuring Tricks.

One of Anderson's best tricks was the Clair voyance Box Feat. In this a small box was passed among the audience, who placed in it rings, coins, and other small articles. The box was then covered with a hand kerchief, and given to someone to hold. The magician now retired for a moment", and returning with an opera-glass, pro ceedod to spy out and describe the several articles in the box, giving the dates. and values of the coins, the settings of the rings, and other minute details. Finally the box was made to leave the handkerchief, and the articles it contained wero found in some other place. As Anderson did the trick, it could only be performed on the stage, but I have so arranged it that it can be done any where, and I have repeatedly exhibited it with great success. Get two round pasteboard pill-boxes, each about an inch and a half in diameter and half an inch in depth. In one put somo loose cotton, batting ; the other, you sew in tbe-corner of a handkerchief. To do thia best, have a piece of muslin about two and a quarter inches square. Place your box1 on one corner of the handkerchief, and over it lay the muslin, which you then sew round all the four sides. These preparations aro made in, advance. When ready for the trick, come before your audience with the handkerchief in your coat pocket Hand out-,the box for examination, and ask that some one article ;be placed in it without letting you; see it. This done, you pull' the handkerchief out of your pocket, and taking the box from the one who holds it, pretend to wrap it in the handkerchief. Instead of doing so, you keep it concealed in your palm, and substitute for it the sewed-up box. Having made a carefully wrapped-up package, so that while the shape of the box may be plainly felt, a too inquisitive person cannot readily get at it in the moment you are necessarily absent from the room, you go out "for an opera-glass." This is merely to give you an opportunity to examino tho contents of the box; which done, you re turn and pretend to discover it by means of your opera-glass. So far, the trick is very similar to Anderson's, buthis manner of con cluding it was very lame. When he shook out the handkerchief, his box was gone, and was not seen again, but the contents were found elsewhere. This would naturally lead any thinking person to the conclusion that box and contents never entered the handkerchief. In the method here described, in order to conclude the trick you advance to the one who holds the handkerchief, and taking it, give it a gentle shake, at the same moment letting the box which is concealed in your hand fall to the floor. The audience naturally suppose that it dropped from the handkerchief, especially as you do not touch it, but request some one to pick it up and have the article in it identified by its : owner. . The object in putting cotton batting m the box is to prevent the rattling of the article placed inside, as that or its absence would expose the trick. Another box trick very easy to perform, but quite, mystifying to those not in the secret, is that known as The Bonbon Box. A round pasteboard box about three inches in diameter and one inch deep is opened and shown to contain five sugar-plums. The box is closed, held in the right hand, and then passed behind the performer's back to his left hand. There is not time enough allowed to open the box or to change it, and yet on opening it the box contains only three of the candies. -It is closed and passed back again, this time from left to right, and on reopening it the original five are there.

To do this, get two boxes exactly alike, and remove the covers. Then from one of the boxeßtake out the strip of pasteboard which connects the top and bottom, and on one side put one cover, and on the opposite side the other. You now have a box made of two covers, and an intervening strip. To the inner side of one cover you fasten by paste or other means two of the candies, and alongside place three loose ones. It stands to reason that if you take off the cover on which the candies are not fastened, there will appear to be five in the box, while if you take off the opposite cover, the two that are fastened to it will be removed with it, and only three remain in the box. In taking off this cover you must be careful to hold it with the inner side toward you, or if you place it on a table, be sure to have it mouth down, and away from the side on which your audience stand. Although this trick calls for little if any skill, let me caution the young magician to practise.it well before attempting it " before folks.'1 Something more than apparatus is needed to, make a successful performer. A man must study how to move about, what1 to say, and how to say it—in short, must learn how to act. The most euccess ful conjurors are good actors.

A pr|nter in Liverpool is said to be 10-5 years jbld. He has made so many typo, graphical errors during his career that he is afraid to die.

CHRISTMAS CUSTOMS.

The festivities which a hundred years ago were common as a part of Christmas cele brations, have even in England greatly de creased, yet it is but little more than 20 years since Washington Irving gave us in " Bracebridge Hall " some idea of the de lightful festivities still enjoyed in tho Old Country, but without the wild hilarity that characterised them less than a half century before he wrote. Christmas Eve was then the beginning of the revels, and was kept up, every day being a holiday, until the 6th of January, and often until Candlemas hve (Febuary 2). In the houses of the nobles, a "lord of misrule" or an "abbot of un reason " was appointed, whoso ofhee was to make the " rarest pastimo to delight the beholder." His rule was undisputed from All-hallow E'en till Candlemas Day. From that time, when this " abbot of unreason was appointed till he resigned his oftice. the larder was overflowing with beef, mutton, poultry, game of all kinds, with pios and puddings, nuts, sugar and honey. Iho ovens were kept constantly heated, and the cooks were never idle. The Italians have a proverb which is very significant ot the state of things during this season of mis rule "He has more business, they say, " than English ovens at Christmas. And vet Btranee as it may seem, we cannot learn that the tenants, who for a time were free from all restraint, abused this wild freedom, or wronged the lord of tho manor or his family. They were loyally enter tained at the hall, and master and family encouraged all mirth and sports that con duced to their enjoyment. No doubt this " lord of misrule " or "abbot of unreasou was a trusted servant, who restrained bis subjects from carrying tho nmrule into violence. On ChristraaaEvc the bolls woro rung; On Christmas Kvo tho mass sung; Then opened wido tho baron b ball To vassal, tenant, sorf and all: Power laid his rod of rule aside, And ceremony doffed his prido. Tho heir with roses in his shooa, That night might villaKOpartner choose. Kuglatid was merry Eiwand when Old Christmas brought his sporte again. •Twos Christinas broached tho miKhtiestalo; 'Twixr C'iristniiiß told tho merriest lalo ; Such Christmas gambols oft would cheer A poor mail's heart through half the year.

To deck the house with evergreens was a practice handed down from the old Druids who thought that sylvan spirits might rest among theso branches, and escape un blighted by frost till a milder season. Holly, ivy, bay, laurel, mialctoc, and rose mary were the favourite evergreens for adorning church—all but the mislotoe, for being a relic of the Druids, it must not bo put up in a church —castle and tenements, and were kept on till Candlemas. An old English superstition taught that " oxen were always found on their knees on Christmas Eve, as it was said that an ox and an ass were present when • the Child was born,' and fell upon their knees in a suppliant posture." ~ The mistleto is still suspended in the English farm-houses and kitchens all through Christmas, and the young men have the privilege of kissing the girls under it, if they can, plucking each time a berry from the bush. But when the berries are all tone, this liberty ceases. On Christmas !ve the waits go from house to house, just as the family and guests retire, and sing a Christmas carol, then pass on. This is often repeated during the 12 days of Christmas sports. Afterward they go to each of these houses with their Christmas boxes for a small subscription. Christmas morn, before the family rose, it was customary for tho small children of the family or guests to pass qnietiy through the halls, halt at the sleeping apartments and sing a few lines significant of the day, as—

Rejoice our Saviour he was born On Christmas day hi the morning After the Christmas dinner came the maskings or " nummeries," when'tho whole place was laid under contributions for the wardrobes, md when all were thus arranged it was- finished by dancing. From-this doubtless came the custom of calling "Merry Christmas" early in the morning of. our time. , All' were expected to rise early Christmas morning. The breakfast must not be.de layed, "thehackin or great sausage must be boiled and ready by daybreak, or if not two young men must take the cook by the arms and run her round the market-place to shamejier for. her laziness. The old cere mony of serving the boar's head for the first co ura at Christmas dinner is still adhered to in many portions of the old country." In more ancient times the peacock was the first dish, sometimes made into a pie, at one end of which the head appeared above the crust in all its plumage with the beak richly gilt, at the other end the tail full spread was suspended. Enough of these amusements still remain for those who witness them at the present day to be able, by a little stretching of the imagination, to gain a tolerably good idea of what Christians festivities might have been long years ago, and also how mnch of the Druidical " yule-log " celebrations mingled with the Christmas sports of the Christian era.

«0» Christmas Ev& tU bdh mn rung."

Something for the Old Woman.

"See what Santa Glaus sent to mamma," said a fond mother, taking her child on her knee and showing her a chatelaine which the father had presented her with. " Did Santa Glaus give you that ?" " Yes, dear." " I know Santa Claus, mamma. If I had known it was him I would have asked him for something." "You know him?" "Yes." Papa took me into his store, and he said to papa, ' Here, you've been a very good cus tomer this year. Let me give you some thing for the old woman.' But I didn't know that was Santa Glaus."

7"An eminent spirit) merchant in Dublin announces in an Irish paper that ho has still a small quantity of the whiskey on hand which was drunk by George IV. when in Dublin. >"■

HUMOROUS.

Mrs Breezy's Christmas Gift.

"Who would think it?" said Mrs Breezy, taking up a piece of fancy work and sitting comfortably in her easy chair. "It is only a week to Christmas." " Is that all ?" said Mr Breezy, deep in an editorial on the recent elections. " Yes, only a week." "The time will fly away before we know it, and I have hardly thought of presents. I have many to make, too. Now you are elected I suppose you will not grumble as you usually do at this season of the year. There isn'J; any excuse for you saying you can't afford to five a few sovereigns for prosonts this year. t's high time I had a little money to com mence with, too. Suppose you let me have a choque for £20 in the morning, and—" "A cheque for what?" asked Mr Breezy, looking up suddenly from his paper. "Only £20 to start with," said Mrs Breezy, putting her thread a little ner vously through her work. " Twenty pounds to start with>! ejacu lated Mr Breezy ; "start what 1" " That's all the attention you over pay to anything I say," said Mrs Breezy. " I sup pose you haven't heard a word I ye been saying. Do put down that everlasting, newspaper aud pay a littlo attention to your wife for once in your life. I Bay you may give me a cheque for £25 in tho morn ing for Christmas." " You just said twenty," said Mr Breezy. "I knew you'd notico that. I know I said twenty a moment ago, but I've changed my mind. The fact is I should really have £40. 11 My dear, if you keep raising the limit at tli is rate, I shall have to draw out of the game." " I don't understand your horrid gam bling torms.land I wish you would confine yourself to respectable language," said Mrs Breezy, fumbling around in hor work busket for v particular shudo of silk. " iso wouldn't bo any too much for—"

" I call," cried Mr Breezy. "There you are again," said Mrs Broozy. " Stop that slang. You knovV you can well afford to give me a low score pounds for Clnirtumw presents, and the man who has met with the luck you have this year in politics should not kick—object to giving his wife a little Christmas money. You wouldn't think nothing of spending £80 or £100 on vile liquors and cigars tor your— your constituents, aa you call them, bub whon your wife asks you for half that sum

" Supposo wo return to the original esti mate and call it an even £20 ?'r said Mr Breezy, pulling out his cheque-book. " Do you suppose I can get along with a miserable £207 cried Mrs Breezy. " Why your present alone will cost nearly that. Yes, I expected to give you a real hand some present this year, but if you are going to bo so sliniry, of course you will have to take what I can afford to give you. Then think of the children, and of dear mother, and ot grandmamma, and my dear bister-in* Jaw, to say nothing of brothor Jack, and cousin Harry, and your own mother. You don't want mo to forgot your own mother." "You hold over me," said Mr Breezy. "Scoop the pot," and he threw down a blank cheque, " Fill her out to suit your self." ■

"Do you really mean itV" asked Mrs Breezy. "Yes."

" Well, you shall have just the sweetest, nicest present in the world," and Mrs Breezy gave her husband a tremendous kiss square upon the lints, und flitted out of the room with the cheque. "The first time fchia year," gasped Mr Breezy, as he slowly recovered from his as tonishment. ■ r

A Rising Man.— The balloonist. Strange Sight;.— To see a garden walk. A deep mystery.—The bed of the ocean. In this country men are called heathen if they worship the jug. In India they are heathen if they worship the Juggernaut. Mr La Cr.itrique: "Pardon me, Mr Parvenu, but this is a Raphael?" Mrs Parvenu :..," Lot\ noj it's a real oil paint-

ing." Orpheus was a musician, whose music had power to draw rocks, &c, towards him. The modern sbreeb musician has the same power. Dr. Johnson, once speaking of a quarrel some fellow, said, "If he had two ideas in his "head they would fall out with each other."

Some old dinner customs still prevail. The Romans used to recline ab their ban quets, and the habit of lying at public dinners still prevails. Yacht-owner : " Haw, what's the next move, captain?" Captain: "Drop tfie hawser." Yacht-owner: "Haw, do you mean to insult me, sir ?" Corporal': My lads, don't walk so limp; always keep bolt upright, even when off duty; carry your heads high, as if each of you had a couple of shillings in his pocket. " Lookee here, mister, I ain't cotn plainin', but this 'ere moosic stool you sold to my wife, we've twisted it roun' till . we've twisted off uns head, an' not a ha'porth o' toon can we get out ut' "un." lhe late Professor Conninprton could recite the works of Virgil and Homer from beginning to end. But his friends, it is said, always went away and left him, with charming unanimity, whenever he started to do it. Whateley. once startled his listeners by asking-,' "If the deyil lost his tail, where would he go to find a new one ?" and with out waiting for others to guess replied, "To a gin palace, for bad spirits are re tailed there." " I have met this map," said the lawyer with extreme severity, "in a great many places were I would be ashamed to be seen myself," and then he paused and looked with astonishment at the smiling court and jury. '.'..< ' m

A father scolds his son for his numerous errors. "Really, governor, you were once young: did you never have a frolic ?" "Never," said the father, with a sigh. " When I was young I had no money, and when I became rich it was too late."

ABUSING A PRINCE.

Cruelty Practised Upon Frederick the Great toy His Own Father.

Pkobably no young man of royal, or even noble birth, ever underwent a training of more awful severity than did Frederick the Great of Prussia. His father, Frederick William 1., was an arbitrary monarch, and a domestic tyrant. Economical to a fault, h e forced his family to do without many of the necessaries of life, and his cruelty to all its members is unequalled in the civilised society of modern times. Prince Frederick in his misery and indignation, poured forth to his beloved sister Wilhelmine the follow ing complaint, which probably does not in the least exaggerate his woes : "I am perpetually being told to have patience, but no one knows what I have to endure. I am treated like a slave and beaten every day, and have no relaxation of any kind. I am forbidden to read, to study the science of music, and am scarcely allowed to speak to anybody. " My life is in perpetual danger. 1 am surrounded by spies; I have nob even enough clothes, and am wanting m most other necessaries of life. "The King sent for me the other mora ine As soon as I entered the room he sewed me by the hair and threw me on the ground. After having beat me with his fists he dragged me to the window and tied

the cord which" fastened back the curtain round my throat. I had, fortunately, time to setup and seize hold of his hands, but as he pulled with all his might ab the cord round my throat I felt I was being strangled and screamed for help. A page rushed in to my assistance and had to use force m freeing me from my father's hands. Who can wonder that, after years of such treatment, he decided to run away? His plans for flight were all made, when his intentions were suspected and he was placed under arrest. Eluding the viligance of his guards, he then put on French uniform, and had actually stolen away when he was seized and brought before his father. ~ . . . The King fell upon him, tore his hair out by handfuls, and beat him until he bled, finally asking him why lie " deserted." "Because," said the Prince in a firm, calm voice, " because you do not treat me like your son, but like a slave."

" You are a mean deserter! You h&\' 6 neither courage nor honour I" screamed the More words followed, and the King, in frenzy, drew his sword, but was prevented by the courtiers from injuring Frederick. The Prince was then placed under arrest, tried by court-martial tor desertion and con demned to death. His friend and confidant, Katt, was also condemned and executed before his eyes. The Prince's own sentence was, of course, never barried out, but ha was imprisoned for some time and treated with general severity.

THE GOAT AS A PLAYMATC-A BRIEF BUT THRILLING EXPERIENCE.

LAZY FOLKB TAKE THE MOST TROUBLE. ' "Pony, quit yo' bearin' down on dat en.' Meki de basklt heavyeh 'n when I keerld It all Mond.'

THE NEW YEAR'S MESSAGE.

ThoOlci Yeargonewitb all its joy and3orrow Tlio Now Year cornea, in goodly raimen dresfc. There may be trials held in store to-morrow: There may be resfe. Perchance 'twill be the happiest we have known- —' Our wants all satisfied, our labour blest; Though time and method may notbe ourown, God knoweth best. Certo.

A MINGLING CADENCE.

Happy Christmas •!.. ■ Merry Christmas ! How It echoes, loud and clear ! Till the melting cadence mingles With the musio of New Year. MIZPAH.

SUMMER AND CHRISTMAS.

Soft airs their sweet perfumes luxuriously breathe^ .. -. ■ A sense of enjoyment each bosom beguiles, For Christmas and Summer, combine to • en wreathe To happy Zealandia, a crown for her Isles. Senex. Magistrate (to * a witness) : What is your profession! A lawyer. Well, try to forget it while you are giving your evi dence. - They were talking over music andthe drama at the table of their host, a self-made man, when someone inquired, "You are fond of Rossini?" "Passionately,"-replied he. " Know his * Barber' ?" "No, Ido not —have shaved myself for the last forty years." "Why did you not deliver tha message as I gave it to you ?" asked an irate gentle man of his servant. "I did the Best I could, sir," replied the man. "So you did the best you could, did you? If I had known I was sending a donkey, I would have gone myself." "Do you believe in second love, Mister McQuid ?" "Do I belave in second love 1 Humph. If a man buys a pound of sugar, isn't xfcswate ? and when it's gone, don't he want another pound, and isn t thab swate, too ? Troth, Murphy, Ido belave in second love."

A Berlin newspaper claims to have dis covered the longest word in any language, but it is only a line and two-thirds in length. The longest'word, that has ever come under our notice is the clergyman's "One word more, and I will close." It would make about a column.

" Why (asked Whateley) does the opera? tion of hanging kill a man ?" A physiologist gravely replied, " Because inspiration is checked, circulation stopped, and blood suffuses arid congests the brain." " Bosh," cried Whateley, "it is because the rope is not long enough to let his feet touch the ground." A citizen laden with Chxistmas cheer was met carrying home a goose. He was asked, "Hallo, J., what is that?" "Goose." "What are you going to do with him?" "I'm going to have a big goose dinner." "How many will be there ?" " Two-mo and the goose."

LOVE'S ARROW.

My heart is like a hunter's bow— And love, the arrow keen, It sendeth with Diana's skill, O'er hills and valleys green. Beyond the bounding billows' foam, To those I hold so dear— Remember'd, and remembering, At Christmas and New Year. MIZPAH. Fair Xmas comes with sunshine : To our New Zealand home ; Bright skies and wealth of blossoms Greet us, where'er we roam. Our " Christmas Tree " is laden With coral-tinted flowers, And in the breath of summer We spend our festive hours. Riro Riko, Lunatics are not always entirely devoid of wit and satire. A stranger walking about Earlswoodthe other day met^a squad of them out walking for exercise, and asked one of them. Where does this railway go to ? To which the lunatic replied t It<loes not go anywhere; wo keepr ib here to run the trains on.

" Tell me," he whispered with the hoarse ness of emotion, whispered as if he feared the murmering surf might catch the ques tion and" bear it to some Other"ears.' """"Tell me, have you ever loved ?" She trembled. She hesitated for a moment, and he thought he felt her blushes glow into his eyes. She trembled, and in a still, soft whisper, gentle as the summer breeze, answered, " Not this summer."

In Augusta no provision has been* made this winter for feeding and lodging tramps* A vagabond went into a police-station and wanted to sleep there. "We only lodge prisoners," said the sergeant behind the desk. "You only lodge prisoners," re peated the vagabond, meditatively. " That's all," was the reply ; " you've got to steal something, or assault somebody, or something of that kind." "I've got to assault somebody, or something or that kind," again repeated the vagabond, thoughtfully. Then he reached across'the desk with his long arm and knocked the sergeant off his stool, saying, as the officer got up with his hand to his eye, " Give me as good a bed as you kin, sergeant, 'cause! don't feel very well bo-night." • :

In giving an account of his experiences of some of his sitters, Mr Frith says that some of the ladies were rather intolerant of the result of their patient submission to his eye. The aged wife of an Ambassador —, was so shocked by my portrait of her that she implored me to rub it out. She spoke imperfect English, aud she said, "Oh, mister, that is not me. I cannot have grown like that. I will give you my like ness to copy ;" and she sent me a drawing done, from her when she was a lovely girl of eighteen, with an urgent request that I would correct my libel of her immediately. I declined ; and the figure remains a by no means unflattered copy of a very plain old lady.

Christmas Odds and Ends For Little Folk.

Collected bg Uncle Toby,

A Bird that never opens its mouth without cause (caws).

UNCLE TOBY'S HOUSE PUZZLE.

Uncle Toby had a square house builb on a piece of land at Ponsonby. Four trees grew at the corners of the. house—thus:

Fig I.

Some years afterwards he desired to build a house with double the ground floor area on the same site, but he could not find it in hia heart to destroy the beautiful trees. He thought for a very long time, and at last he succeeded in performing what was at first a seeming impossibility. This is how he did it:

Fig 11. Just cut out Fig I. and show it to your big clever papa, and see if be can do it.

THE SWISS FLAG PUZZLE.

This is more difficult/: than Uncle Toby's house puzzle. Cut Fig I. into two pieces which will fit together, and form the National flag of Switzerland (Fig II), SOLUTION.

Fig. I,

Fig. n.

THE DYING YEAR.

The Old Year is a-dying—peace, be still! Hisllfe behind him lies, of good and ill. He ponders o'er his actions, great and small, Ana prays, "O God, with mercy judge them all!' He thinks of all his kindred passed away; He sees another coming with the day. He cries," New Year! take warning of the past. Then snail thou not make mourning at the last. " I see what glittering mirage led mo wrong; I set the deadly weakness of the strong; " I see. how I most wrongly helped thq Right. And where I let Wrong march on in its might; "I see where Right and Wrong together met, And how, through want of faith. Wrong triumphs yet; , " I see where Reason, losing all control Of guiding jem, gave up its very soul. "Ihear'the gathered evils of £he years- : ■ Shouting their grim defiance in my care— " But I can still look onward without fear, For many wrpngs are dying with, me here. " All evil lingers, but must pass away— The good that each year does lives on for aye; "And that which, great or small, by thee is done, .. , . . Thou hast so much of good from evil won. " Know that each year, each soul, can speed the day When evil shall for ever pass away; " So with, the fervour of thy lusty youth. Strike for the holy cause of Right and Truth. "Then when, like me, thou shalt be avinjrhere, Thou, too, canst still look onward without fear "That when the Record of the Years iii told, / It shall be written: '.Thou thy birth-right sold!

" I deeply regret it, sir, but honour and my altered circumstances compel me to re lease your,daughter from her encngeraent. I cannot enter your family a beggar. In the recent deal in the North End stocks I lost my entire fortune." "Not another word, my boy—not another word. I got Jt-" * -, " A little fellow who was at a neighbour a house about noon the other day, watched the preparations for dinner with great in terest, but when asked to stay and eat something he promptly refused. "Why, yes, Johnnie, you had better stay, said the lady. "I can't." " Why can't you." "Well, 'cause," said the little fellow, " mamma said I mus'n't unless you ask me three times." They invited him twice more right off.

During Sheridan's la.st illness, the medical attendants, apprehending that they would be obliged to perform an operation oh him, asked him "if he had ever undergone one. "Never," replied Sheridan, "except when sitting for my picture, or having my hair out.",

SATURDAY* DjflMgKf^™-1--'

THE AUCKLAND MVffl«lffl STAR. SATURDAY, DECEMBER 24, 1887.

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THE staT] PWNTIIG WoJ ■..AUdttASD. FOR CA-S^ **** 6pecimenfi J^J ■;';■ ': r -. \ ■ THE • I Is under r the management of skilled J men, ana is replete wifc n the kteauj tinental jny^tions. A first-cks* Btt Tl inks of all coloiirs aridtints. ■ tß*Z\ mentioned are a few of the more pro!!! articles produced:- P Maps, Plans, Show Cards, Labels if,-I Book Titles and • lUurtfcS! fel Circulars; etc., in oneTTSJH colours, and in any style. Almanacs and Calendars drawn or enm J on .stone, designs for which Ma HES estimates furnished. "mw*flro ; 1»Me«!iJ Portraits and Drawings xn oravonnH; and printed in chromo or tintL? * H Original IDrawings copied and-litinnnJ in a faithful and life-like manaer;™*?*! Cordial and Spirit Labels in a great variJ of colours and styles always IeWS? or printed at short notice. p m Labels of all kinds, in bright colours J varnished if necessary, suftaT)le«jf ing on Meat, Fruit, and PreßOTel^'i Chromo-Lithographic Wbri (6f %^la in a variety of delicate shaaesolasaS1 colouring. , ""swa Wedding and Invitation Cards, with t» velopes to match—the latest novelties, Price Lists, illustrated with: engravinri «ul attractive advertising covers. . - Engraving Departwi. Bills of Lading, Bank Cheques, hiim. Letter Heads, Visiting, Invilatiottini®! ness Cards, Book PJates,'etc^«BmS; copperplate in the beststylc * Crests, Monograrai>, Cyphers, Busing ffls Arms, etc, engraved oh steel, fo^M^l in colours on Note Paper, Enve^^^p, Stamps, Seals, Door^andiWindbiifipiaJa Stencil Plates, etc., neatly I engrav^tiMM description of metaL Inscriptions on Gold and SaverPr^fetGi- Pieces tastefully executed. ] ' Illustrations of Buainess Premises, Trada Marks, Machinery, Devices, etc, eamrd ou wood and electrotyped for astoia advertisirg, etc. _ THE Contains every necessary for prodnc'iEgi' first-class stylo all d ascriptions "of Book &f Job Work—the large founts of typeon W,> the many novelties that are being consMy added, and tho splendid machbery combining to form one of the most complete printing plants in the colonies. , Show Printing, with its endless variefjrf. Posters,, Streamers.Hpgers, Dodgers, ud! Window Cards, in plain or-fancy tiatsad . colours, printed on attrailMve, papers. The ExTESSrvE Hoabdings erected in p* mirient parts of the city and suburbs In specially adapted for the Disfiiy of & Sipw^RINTlKG.' :: Vi .'■■■■■':■■.•■•-■:-■■•■ Illustrated and Plain Catalogues and Pries lists,' with attractive covers, In any sks or style. A large assortment of trade Woaa a«d engravings to choose from, in stock. Commercial Work, including Customs id Shipping Formßr Auctibneers' BlDs^Sw Flags, jlenio. For»is and AccountseSaw Carat (plain or in tints and colours), Busmesi Cards, and Handbills, at afew hours' nptio, Memorandums of Association for public companies. Bank Work, Eoad i^aid. aaJ County Council Forms and vouftaW Pamphlets and leaflets of any,kmd. Rules, By-Laws, Beports, Catalogues, Plans, Order* of Service, and Choir Notices, ia BeUsAus and Benefit Societies. , ; Certifiaips of Merit, beautifully desiMfl and executed, suitable for presentation W societies and'HßSPciati ons S*ll6!^"?' Memorial and Rfimembrance Cards printed ;atshcrt?notice. . '- >-: Note and- Letter Heads ruled to anj pattern, with Envelopes to match- Chemists' Labels, in one or moi-e coloura onbesiligunimedor plauu paper, for whole eale arid retail houses. Race Cards and Programmes for seasotii also Prize Lists and Schedulea;f(*rA|ricW tural, Horticultural, and other Sociene*. Concert and Ball Programmes, f« Wme Cards. IJinner, Supper and Ball invites. Tickets of all kinds and :;Bizos, l;fctf j ;BnW; . -tatlttnicnts, atanliottfs-iw** l*9^* " ~ Tickets ior Racing, Clubs BidJjPj Societies, also Ferry Companies, Tram and , -'D^Sffvices, ft specialty. The Binding Department



Is stacked with a large assortment of CsK, Morocco,' Russian, Boon, Basil* and othei Leathers, and the follovvinp-are.somo of «X goods tinned out :-^- "■ /- / ~ ... . . Account Books and Ledgers; <^Jjj*s Qish Bopks, Day Bo(*8r Journals and Shan ■■ Rogisteris. ~,,. : ~-.: ... .-..■, ,>i^! *sSi£Sl AS?** Numbering, with or without initial letters In«lex?K>obs,etc.,etc. Paper Ruling in all its branches, at •» shortest aotice. PaperJ^_te£artin^-/ ContalnsTi^el^^^ supplying wholesale and retailfirmß.w| 52S4ftp«.and Papor gs* stock coniprises:— . -- . _ Bro™,W. >°d WhiteSugfrß^f™ Seed Jackets and Bags. -;•■'■;'• ', ...^