PHYL.

CHAPTER I.— THIS COUNTRY HOUSE. " Phyllis," said my stepmother, Mrs Maria, looking up from the letter she was reading, with a tinge of excitement on her •drabface,"my sister.Lady Janet Ponsonby, writes to say I may expect her any day this week ; and Ido hope ifor all our Bakes you will tone down your appearance into some thing approaching dece.ncy." "You will never niter Phyl, Maria," said my father, polishing his bold head im patiently, "so why can't you leave the girl ;iu p. *cc 1 Her ap.pearaace is a very pleasant i»e to her oi(l tatber, isn't it, puss ?" Aad the dear ol d man pinched my -cheek affectionately. ' " Fancy," he cootinueid, "Janet coming to see us after all. these ; years ! Dear me I what a wonderfully pretty woman she used to be, with the neatest ifoot and ankie 1 ever saw I How time «ie< r Why, she must be sixty. That re'uiinds us, Maria, that we are getting old." i "Speak for yourself," 1" remark laugh ingly ; " Mrs Maria cannot bear to be told of the fact that she is getting old and fat." My stepmother remarks, ilookiDg out into the old-fashioned garden, wlhere my pretty sister, in a bright moroing' dress, is busily 'tending her roses : " JMo need to beg Kosie to do us justice ; she never fails us. I wish you were more like her, for j/our own sake as well as ours." {

I answer hotly that " I -^rould not be like my commonplace, weak-noinded sister, for all her beaut-y."

My father sniffing war in thi? air, asks me to follow him, as sooa us I '.can, to the surgery, to write some label.-, arl d roll some pills. "And," he continues e.atreatingly, -'If you don't mind, Pnyl, I . should bo grateful if you would run into \+,he village ■with a tew bottles of medicine. That wretched errand-boy Bob hai bee*Ji fighting again with Frank, and has two suc>h beauti ful black eyes. When dees r hat boy '.return to school, Maria? Soon, 1 hope, for o^u sakes, He keeps the house iv an uproar." "Oh, doa't say you wish Frank gone, dad," I say, for my stepbrother is the'plague aDd pleasure of my life. ,

" Phyllis always encourages all his ttricks, complain* my stepmother ; and seeiiag the deluge returning in th« shape of tear'.g, my father and I make our c-cape. f

I am considered like my dear old dad, but, then, as Mrs Maria sajs, 'What makes a handsome man makes an ugly woman," a nd, catching sight of my.ielt iv the old green shaded glass in the fcurgery, as I busily r<oU my pills, 1 confess she i™ not far wrong ; for the glass shows me a tall bony girl of twenty, with a sallow complexion, Immense dark eye*, and n. head running over with,! crisp dark curls, giving me the appearance of a boy ; a wide momli, full of strong white teeth, and a pair of illtempered eyebrows. Added to this, I am attired ia a plain dress of rough dark ser-»e, Warranted not to show ink-stains, and round my neck is a boy's plain turn-down linen collar.

My sister Kose is my direct opposite ; a small, fairy-like creature all pink and white, a perfect bunch of ro^es, only «he in sipidly lacked their sweetness. She had cl way-i been my stepmother's favourite since she first came from her fiosty spinsterhood to set my poor old dad's bouse to rights and be its mistress, when Kose was a pretty doll of a child, easily mauaged through her very stupidity. I was then a tiresome, ugly, spoiled child of seven, with a fine high temper and a sharp, shrewd tougue, and, therefore, the very bauc of my stepmother's life. Unlike my more tractable sister, I would not call her mamma, but saucily namod her Mrs Maria, no appellation she bore, as far as I was concerned, from first to last.

I believe I thoutd have loved my sister better had she not always been dangled before me as a model. As it was, we were —well, nearly indifferent to each other ; but my dear father and handsome, un manageable Frank, I loved dearly. A few davs'later, returning from a row on the river with Frank, I f-.uud seated in our parlour, as though she hud been there all her lite, cooed over by lto-ie and admired from a distance by Mis Maria, Lady Janet Ponsonby, a handsome old lady, who looked every inch what she was, a high-bred woinau of the world. " The Lady Jane W3S tall and slim, the Lady Jane was fair," and was dressed in somewhat too young a fashion, making the most ot her well preserved looks ; for when can a woman forget that she has been beautiful?

She gazed at me through her gold-rim med glasses ; thon remarked to Mrs Maria, as though I were not present, "If this is the ugly duckling, 'pon my honour she does not strike me so plain as she has been painted ; aud were she not ia a costume fashioned by a Goth, she might be made to look something better than a bathing woman."

" Will your ladyship be good enough to remember 1 am in the lle«n," I ask, " and not a figure from Tussaud's? If this is the breeding of the town mouse, give me that of the country."

With a laugh, she answered, still toying with the annoyiog glasses, "To quote H. -J. Byron, ' I like thin girl, she is so jolly rude.'"

I could hardly help smiling at her cool ness ; to I threw off my hat, am,', taking a book, sat down on tbe sofa to read. I started up again with a little scream, for a shiill voice close to my ear said, "Curse your impudence ! dare to speak again !" Turning round sharply, 1 beheld on the little table at my elbow, sheltered bj the thick lace curtains, a gilded cage, and within it » rakish-looking parrot, who is re garding me attentively with one round, bright eye. •

" Don't be startled," said Lady Janet, " it's only poor Poll, ftom whom I am never parted. She is a most amusing bird, her only failing being that at times her language is too pronounced for polite ears. You will soon get used to her, and not notice her naughty tongue."

That afternoon the Rector's wife called to invoke our aid to assist at a fancy fair, and upon the good lady saying she had twisted her ankle over a stone, Polly shrieked out, " Serve you right, thick head!" After that Polly was banished to her mistress's bedroom.

After tho Hector's wife had departed, Mrs Maria begged hard that I would give up all idea of attending at the fancy tair. She was so urgent in her entreaties that her sister asked the reason, and was in formed that at a former fair, held in hot July, I had made an exhibition ot myself by keeping a penny ice stall, with Bob, the errand boy, and Frank dressed up as waiters.

She was honest enough to confess that I did the best in the whole fair. "But," she added, with eyes and hands turned up, " to see the crowds ot young men and boys, and fast young girls that crowded round, gorgiog, was shameful." Aud the memory of it haunted her with shudders.

The tale tickled Aunt Janet's fancy, and, laughing a little, she said to me admiringly, '' You droll creature, how dared you do it?" Lady Janet stoyed with us four weeks, and then surprised ber sister greatly by asking my father to allow her to 'carry me back with her to the groat city. Mrs Maria looked much annoyed, as she had coveted this distinction for her favourite, Rosie. My father left it for me to deoide; and I, fearing to be parted from

my beloved scribbling, Bald, curtly : " Take Rosie ; she will do you greater credit, auot. Though 1 am grateful to you, I do not care to go," " It is because you do not care to go that I intend to take you," said Aunt Janet; "I will put up with no denial." And so, after a while, the old lady carried her point, and I went up into my shabby little bedroom to pack together my many inky manuscripts', for novel-writing was my hobby and my one ambition. Already a few of my stories had appeared in a period, ical, and I was very vain of my little suc cesses. Since Lady Janet's arrival 1 had not written much ; I was too occupied in reading the many novels the old lady lent me. She was a great reader herself, and horrified Mrs Maria by reading novels on a Sunday, when all the respectable world was at church.

The old lady would not allow me to take any ot my dear, shabby old frocks with me, telling me it would be her pleasure to pro vide me suitably with everything I could want ia London. And I went away, leav ing in the hearts of Mrs Maria and Rose much envy and uncharitableness.

CHAPTER 11. THK TOWN MOUSE.

Metamobphosed from a gawky country girl into an elegantly-mUlinered London belle, I felt of infinite importance, bat sensibly refrained from assuming any airs or graces, confessing myself, after all, but a very plain daw, in peacock plumage. Lady Janet bad a handsome house ia Mayfair, and was one of tbe leaders of the fashionable world-; and so I, fresh from a country village, found myself expected to ape the manners of the "upper ten." Well, I laboured hard, and succeeded to Aunt Janet's satisfaction. I believe the queer old lady had conceived a real fondnets for ber blunt, unpromising protfege ; at any rate, we got on famously together, and no word -was ever said of my returning to the old way of life.

Discovering my talent for novel-writing, and after a caustic reading of some of my productions, and much cutting aod pruning of my tender shoots, the old lady had a book of mine published, and was fully as proud as I was when it turned out a success.

Talking with me about it before it came out, she remarked that "for a novice, I was very confident." And in answer I told her " I felt successful." She agreed with me that there was a great deal ia that.

I had numerous suitors ; in fact, I might even have been termed something of a flirt, since out of them all I could not find my fate.

One night at theatre there came into Lady Janet's box a gentleman, who was presented to me as her nephew, Dr. Malcom Ponsonby, a distinguished physician, though his age could not have exceeded six-and-thirty. He had a .plain clever fooe, fine inquiring eyes, and tihe figure of a Hercules. His manner stiruck me as being cold, somewhat stern, anoA just a trifle masterfuL On the whole, I li ked him though, because he hod sense to p«.y me the compliment of talking to me like t\ reasonable fellow-creature.

He Jiad read my book, he said with a winning smile, and that between the lines lie read the promise of greater things. He did not .seem a great favourite with Lady Janet, w-ith whom he argued and contra dicted in lt, manner hardly respectful. _ After thkt night Malcom came often to visit us, anti I met him besides at dinner, ball, and kettledrum. There grew between ns a great friendship, which in the course of time ripened into something stronger. Though each swretly felt the other not well chosen, we were both too stubborn and too fond of holding our own. But love leaps all barriers, and it was so in our case ; we were betrothed.

When I told Lady vlanet of our engage ment she seemed sorry and asked me very solemnly if I really lov»;d her nephew, and whether I expected to bei haopy. For answer I told ber 1' loved him dearer than life, and was about C-.o paint a glow ing picture of our future, wihen Polly broke In with, " Silly fools, nor fit to live ! Twist their necks !"

"Not fit to live together,-'' corrected Lady Janet. And perhaps she wtas right. In the spring we were married, a-.ud after a delicious tour through the Lake country we settled down in a quiet old hou.se in Bloomsbury.

Like a foolish woman, I would not acknow ledge I had found my master in the coKl, self-contained man that called me wife. So evea in our early wedded days there were many struggles for supremacy, from which my husband always retired, sternly vic torious,

Had I but known what paia such suc cesses cOBt him, loving him as truly as 1 did, I might hare desisted ; but, ah me I I did not know ; I only thought- him hard and cold, when truly he was neither.

One of our subjects of dispute was my frequent visits to Lady Janet, v/ho, it wast be confessed, led me. into much unwh. !c ---some gaiety, first, he did not like Lady Janet; secondly, he thought the state of my health demanded more care than I chose to give it. Unfortunately, he was at that time unavoidably much from home, which I considered a grievance. Then the house was dull, and i dearly loved gaiety, and found it, too, though it was against my husband's counsel. He insisted I took too little re3t and worked my brain too hard by writing.

I would not listen ; so'arose the rift that was one day to widen into a great breach and part us.

At last my splendid health failed, though I would not own it, and with my health m y spirits drooped. Daring the months that fallowed Malcom showed great love and care for me. Had he ever lost it, he would have won my heart afresh by his infinite gentleness. At Christmas my babe was born, but— O God 1 the misery and disappointment— born dead 1 I knew my husband felt the disappointment keenly, though he hid it through love of me ; but in my selfish sorrow I only felt my own pain.

I knew also that in his heart he blamed me, and that made me the more bitter, for I heard him say to dear old dad, who had come up to see me, '' Phyllis has brought this disappointment upon us entirely by her disregard to my wishes and instructions She would not be persuaded to take proper care. She is so headstrong."

"Ay ay," answered dad mildly, " we all have our faults, and Phyl, though she is a true, good girl, is not more free than the rest of us.

A few days later my husband told me he had invited Rose to come and stay with us for a few months. -1 was very angry that he had not consulted me, aud I told him so in very ill-judged words, and he left me, for the first time since our marriage, without a kisß of peace. I cried out ia my pain that he did not love me and a thousand other foolish things. I was quite upset at the idea of Rose's visit in my then state of wretchedness and ill-health. I felt that her ceaseless babble and everpreseat smile would fairly madden me. I desired only to be left alone to come back to my own gay self. Bat even while I dreaded she came, sleek and fair as ever, fall of pretty babbling talk and silvery langhter—a striking con trast to my sombre self. The first night she was with us my hus band remarked it, saying: " I would give something, pet, to see

you looking bright and happy, like Rose." I turned my face to the wall and cried; for my husband's approval was still dear to me, though I was too stupidly proud to seek it. So we let the goldec chain ot life slip link by link between our fingers, never missing their brightness till they were beyond recall. Now, la my saner moments, I honestly hold her blameless; but at the time I was very bitter against my vain, foolish little sister, and hated her heartily for stepping between my husband and me, which she did only too surely for a while. Always gay and bright, full of pretty home-loving ways, and looking np to Malcolm as a hero, Rose slowly ousted me out of my hushand's confidence and com panionship. It was to her he turned v, ith tales of his daily life; it was h» sympathy be sought when he came home weary ; it was Rose, not I, who was asked to sing to him at night, to teal his letters, to fetch his hat, or do him any loving ser vice. To me he. was always courteous. True, sometime?, bnt not often, we quarrelled—not hearty, air-clearing storms, with a burst of sunshine at their close in the shape of a loving reconciliation, bat chilly, depressing disagreement that left a lingering shadow.

And I—where was my old courageous spirit ? I took it all quietly, standing apart from the home circle, wrapped" iv a proud, jealous discontent. So a year passed, and found us the same; Rose still blooming fresh and lovely in our midst. Slowly but surely a storm gathered strength and burst over us, threatening to destroy us.

One day we were invited to a garden party. I really longed for a day of enjoy ment alone with my husband, and refusedl to go unless he took me alone. Disgusted wi'h what he deemed my selfishness, my husband would not go unless Rose accom panied us.

Then I grew furious against my sister, who was, fortunately, absent, and accused my husband of caring more for her than his wife.

I shall never forget the look of surprise and pain on his face, or his swift condemn ing words, which, instead ot cooling, mad dened me. I raved against the woman I believed had stolen bis love. He persisted she was innocent as himself of evil, and wound np by commending her goodness, and expressing a wish that I was more like her.

"Why did you not, then, marry her," I a«ked, "instead of me? It would have been better for us all."

" Perhaps it would," he answered ; "bat you forget I was presented to her for the first time at our wedding."

Then he left me, as he said, to recover my senses, and sent Kese up an hour later to ask if I was ready to accompany them. I would not let my sister in, and said I was ill. and they were to go without me. I did not believe my husband would leave me in anger, bat he did ; and I saw him drive off with Rose without so much as a glance at my window. Then a great despair fell upon me. Unable to reason, I yielded to the intense desire to end this life ot misery; and, ill both in mind and body, I resolved to fly that very day from my unhappy home. Packing up a few things, I called a cab and started at once for Mayfair, leaving a bitter, upbraiding farewell letter for my husband, CHAPTER 111. FRANK S ADVICE. I FOUND Lady Janet preparing to start for Scotland on the morrow. I fell upon her neck, and sobbed out all of my miserable story, begging her to shelter me, aud take me away from the scene of my unhappi ness, jahe was very much shocked, and strongly advised me to reu-u to my home ; but, seeing that I was really ill iv mind and bndy, she gave way at last, on condition that I sanctioned her writing to my husband, stating that my absence should only be a holiday, spent with her among the High lands to recover health. The next morn ing, in answer to Lady Janet's letter, came a command, sternly worded from my hus band to return home at once.

Had the summons been more gently given, I might have pocketed my pride and gone, tor I was very wretched and longed to be forgiven ; but the cold, hard tone repelled me, and I felt I would rather die than yield. So I started that day with Lady Janet for Scotland, feeling very like »a child who expected and deserved a -Whipping.

When I reached Scotland I received ancMher stern, commanding letter (rim Malclnm, after which I returned all letters cominj.Tin his handwriting unopened. Freed >*rom the pressure of my miserable, dull, acliiipg jealousy, I soon recovered health anc^. bloom, and really almost enjoyed my w.isit, which was prolonged into months.

L.ady Janet kinvlly invited Frank to spend the summer v.-vcatirm with us, and rowing, fishing, and ria'ing with the dear boy, I rapidly regained mj^ youth. Seeing that Frank wanted what he terpely termed a new rig out. P.undertook to proceed to London with bim and procure one, so that he might retura to s^-Jiool happy. Oa the morning ot our depirture^ there came a letter to Lady Janet, which^ she pressed into my hand, bidding me read it in the train.

I did so. It was from my husband's brother, Richard Ponsonby, who informed Lady Janet that my husband had b.-en brought to death's door by fever, and had decided, now that he was recovered, to give up his splendid practice in London, and, after a voyage with his brother, intended to settle in New York, where he hoped, when away from all that reminded him of her, to forget the wife who had cruelly de serted him.

Richard spoke bitterly of me, saying he should have visited his aunt, but he could not sit at the same table where I was a wexome guest. He wound up with are quest that, if his aunt knew of a respectable woman who would undertake the duties of stewardess, she wou'd recommend her to him, as the woman who had held that situ ation in his ship had resigned through ill health. They sailed, he said, on the 20th. It was then the 12th.

Then there was a postscript telling of his own engagement to Kosie, whom he ex tolled as the dearest little girl in the -world. This letter almostbroke my heart. Yearn-, ing for sympathy, i gave it to Frank, cry ing : "What shall I do?" After reading it, he electrified me by say ing L. "Rig yourself out a«t an old party, 'and go as stewardess yourself.. Lady Janet will give you a character."

O, how I hugged that boy 1 How eagerly I caught at the idea 1, It was so romantic, and altogether in accordance with my wishes. Assisted by Frank's ready wit, I rapidly arranged the details. Arrived in London, I wrote at once to Lady Janet, giving her a full description of my plan, begging her aid and binding her to secrecy. I asked her to send the recommenaation at once, and to state that I was a worthy : needy creature, fully to bfe trusted. But of course I had no notion of the duties I was about to undertake.

Her reply came quickly, scolding me soundly. She said she enclosed the desired

letter, but .hoped instead of using it, I would return it to her.

CHAPTER IV. CARRIED OUT. IN high spirits 1 set about providing my disguise, which was to consist .of a high collar, some smart caps, a light wig, and a pair of blue spectacles, common stuff gowns, and a large snuff-box. I trusted to my really good imitation of a Scotch accent' to disguise my voice, and intended to assume a slight deafness and weak eyes. Frank's delight and amusement when I treated him to a rehearsal of the; perform ance, was something to remember. In all the glory of my disguise, feeling wretchedly nervous, I waited oa Captain ' Kichard Ponsonby, presenting timidly Lady Janet's letter. While he read it I j scanned him attentively; he was a fine, handsome fellow, with a happy look in his blue eyes.

" Well, old girl," he said, when he had finished, " according to thi= you are the very figure for us,"

Then he went ou to state my duties. Agreeing on all points, we settled my engagement, and he told me to be ready to sail on the 20tb.

Just as I was leaving the office, who should come in- bjjit Malcom I felt ready to faint; but recovering myself, I passed out without my agitation being noticed.

How slowly the hours moved until it was time to sail, and how often my heart failed me, I need not say. Enough that I joined the King Cole on the 20th. When passing me in the evening on deck, Richard called my husband's attention to me by remarking merrily :

" None too handsome about the figure head, eh t Not likely to give any of the boys a heartache, is she ?"

My husband gazed after the spare figure with its ill-fitting drab gown without in terest.

Among the passengers was a dashißg New (York belle named (Florence Greely, who insisted on my husband makiog love to her by a thousand coquetries, torturing me with her glances. But Malcom, as his brother said, "like an insensate brute," would not repay her witcheries with the homage they doubtless deserved. We had a fair voyage, passed without anything worthy Jof notice. The night before we landed, tlichard rendered me a great ser vice by saying to my husband, " Look here, old boy, tif you anchor at New York, and set up a crib of your own, you "will want a woman of some sort to 'look after house. I wish you'd take that timid, nervous soul, the stewardess ; she's lost aboard ship." I could have hugged Dick when Malcom, in his listless way that was now habitual to him, agreed to accept my services. It was the very thing above all others that I so much desired.

A month later I was installed in a hand some bouse, having under me two maid servants. My husband had never exchanged a dozen words with me, or glanced my way as many times. Dick had arranged every thing. And now I passed three months in watching my husband working himself to death in his new practice.

I despaired of ever having sufficient courage to make myself known to him, an 1 late one night 1 sat down to write to Lady Janet, asking her advice. After writing toy letter I tried to read in my garret under the roof. Then hearing my husband retire to his chamber, I put out my candle and went to bed, where I fell quickly asleep, worn out with thinking and sorrow. I don't know how long I slept, but I was awakened by a stifling sensation of heat, and heard fearful cries of "Fire!"' and I, away from every one else, was up in a small room, close under the roof.

I dashed open the window, but there was no way of escape from there. I flew to the door, but only to behold there a sea of fire, with flames leaping forward, as it seemed, tojearess me. I shouted madly for help, but heard no reply, save the hoarse shouts of the mob and the thump, thump of the engines. Then, remembering a ladder that led out on to the roof, I crept toward it, and had only gained the summit when the floor fell In with a fearful crash.

Springing to the parapet, I waved'fran tically the blanket I had wrapped around me, and screamed loudly for help, a shout from below told me my signal was seen ; then upoa the staring crowd there fell a fearful hush, for at each moment the house was expected to fall, and it seemed mad ness to attempt my rescue. I realized this as I saw a fireman, who had gallantly offered to be the forlorn hope, fall back from the fire escape fainting from the heat.

Then from out the seething mass of human beings there sprang a man who fought his way from the hands that held him back, and, amid a universal shout of admiration, swiftly mounted the ladder, but not more swiftly than the flames that leaped about him, scorching his very eyes. .

Nearer aud nearer he came, and I could see his prayerful, though b'ackened face. O, God-! it was my husband. Another moment and he stood by me, shouting wildly, "This way, if you value your life! QuicKly 1"

I followed him, climbing like a cat to i the extreme end of the parapet. Then I 1 saw why he had hurried me from the spot wireire he had mounted, for burning walls were ( ' falling in, bearing the escape with them.-

A g^roan of horror, like a dirge, burst from the multitude below. Bat all was hot lo»it yet, for about his waist and arm was cojiled a rope, which, after covering me with th-.e blanket, he tied securely beneath my arrms. Then I lost all presence of mind, « and implored : " Not yet 1 O Malconv.! my love, my husband, save your self 1" '

At thtb sound of my voice he reeled, and but for fne he would have fallen. Then without a word, for I had turned faint, I felt mysislf swinging in mid-air, steadily guided by a firm, strong hand. in a few seconds I j lay a helpless heap among the shouting "crowd.

And slowly down from that fearful height there slid' a swaying form, which, when it was cauf'^ht, bruised and bleeding, by friendly outstretched hands, was welcomed with such•a shout as rent the thick air, and which eveJn now often finds an echo in my dreams. 'Then, like the castles built only to see th£:m fall, down came the burning house, a ruin.

A few di ays later I sat by my darling's bedside, playing that his dear eyes might open with, the light of reason. On the white covefrlet lay his splintered arm ; the side of his\ face which lay toward me was branded by the flames. But to my anxious eyes the face was far handsomer than when it won; my girlish fancy, for now I fully understood its strength and great nobility. v Presently f,-he steadfast eyes I used to fear unclosed, • and the dear voice called my name; and. 1 ifell on the true heart and sobbed out my joy, for, O ! his tones were those of love and, pardon. Aunt Janet votlved she never would for< give two such idi.otic young people; but a year later, when our boy was born, she sept to say lie shot ild be her heir provided Dick and his wife stVood sponsors, and his name should be, afte\ her dead husband, Guy Malcom Ponsonby.—•' Tinsley's Magazine." .

HUMOROUS CLIPPINGS

AN unspeakable blessing—a dumb wife. A nobby thing in boots—a bunion. If the pictures cau be believed, it was ai very simple matter for an ancient Roman to get ready for bed. Me just took bis sandals off—that was all. Barney's little daughter says, if she has a dog, she wants one of those great Sarah Bernhardt dogs that dig the dear, delight ful monks out of the snow in Switzerland. (Public) household words: "Very short this time." "Just one little squeeze, Miss—of lemon, yon know." " Three fours and a split. ' Chin-chin.' " " Here's luck!" Prince Bismarck's neuralgia does not get better. He receives several so-called specific remedies by every post, tha majority of those he gets hailing from ! England.

Quia, being asked by a lady why It was reported that there were more women in the world than men, replied: "It is in conformity with tbe arrangements of Na ture, madam ; we always see more of hea ven than earth."

" Well," said the magistrate, majesti cally, "we musn't be too severe on the young fellows. I suppose I was as big a fool as any of them when I was young." "Yes," replied the other magistrate, "and you are not an old man now."

Incledon, the celebiated vocalist, was upset one day in his carriage, near Edin burgh. A Scotch paper, after recording tbe accident, said, " We are happy to state that he was able to appear the following evening in three pieces!"

" Yes, sir," said Brcwn, " if there is one thing more than another that I am proud of, it is this, that I always keep my word." "Very true," replied Fogg ; *' but how can you help It, you know? Did you ever know anybody who wou'd take it ?"

" Jeanie," said an old Cameronian to his daughter, who was asking his permission to marry, " Jeanie, it's a very solemn thing to get married," "I ken that, father, said the sensible lassie, "but it's a great deal solemner to be single."

Mr Gabbardt's sister is said to have alluded proudly to her brother's much! ta)ked-o£ attentions to Mrs Langtry as the "c/iMMest thing Freddie had ever done,'* Since then "Freddie" has further dis tinguished himself by presenting the "Jersey Lily," with a £5,000 diamond !

When a merchant became bankrupt he put a sign at the door which read, " Not In," and sat in his office to meditate on the uncertainties of business enterprise. One of his creditors looked at it, sighed a quiet sigh, and reading it, "No Tin," turned away in despair,

At the first visit of a oertain English opera company in Dublin, some years ago, the prices of tha " popular " parts of the house were raised for the occasion. The principal tenor, who had a very poor voice, had not proceeded far with his first solo when there came a solitary wail from above, "Och, my eighteenpince!''

At a tea-fight recently held, a certain cake was greatly admired, and everybody wanted a piece. No one liked to take the last piece. Each one declined with thanks. It so happened that the gas went out, when everybody felt everyone else's band grabbing after that last piece of cake.

An American paper beads its daily obitnary records, " The Silent Reaper," and an Irishman, of an agricultural turn of mind, seeing the stereotyped announce ment so often, thought he'a like one, and was much surprised when the editor in formed him that the charge was a dollar for five lines.

The following notice by a Virginia black smith indicates readjuster sentiment on the part of Mose's partner : " Notis. —De co partnership heretofore resisting betwixt me aud Mose Skinner is hereby resolved. Dem what owe de firm will settle wid me, and dem what the firm owe will settle with Mose."

The death, at Drefden, Ontario, of the Reverend Jcsiari Henson, otherwise "Uncle Tom,-'is announced. His death is said to have been "accelerated by the cruel treat* ment he experienced in slavery." Consider ing that this divine was "accelerated" at the age of 93, we are led to suppose that a Methusa'eh is a drug in the market at Dresden, Ontario.

Mistress (who has long suspected her servant of having a follower, and thinks she has caught her at lost): " Mary, your master wishes to know the meaning of these large footmarks ; can you explain ?" Mary: "Oh, yes mum! My sister's been here, and she has got the gout so bad she has to wear big baots."

A reverend sportsman was once boasting of his infallible skill.in finding a hare. "If I were a hare," said a Quaker who was present, " I would take my seat in a place where I should be sure of not being dis turbed by thee from the first of January to the last day of December." " Why, where would you go?" asked the sportsman. " Into thy study I" replied the Quaker.

Two menageries recently arrived in Bologaa, one of which was under the management of Signor B , and the other under that of his wife, travelling respec tively on their own account. Heie they decided to join their forces, and the fact was announced on the bills as follows : — "Owing to the arrival of my wife, my collection of living animals is considerably augmented. B ,"

A lady stood patiently before the re ceiving-teller's window in a bank the other day, but no one took any notice of her till she attracted the attention of the money taker by tapping with her parasol on the glass. Why don't you pay attention to me? she asked, petulantly. " I'm sorry, ma'am, but we don't pay anything here; next window, please," was the polite response.

The dude hasn't come over just yet; he's waiting till his first cousin, the masher, has skipped. This is how ho looks in verso :— " mi? 8 dude'the beautiful dude' lho essence concentrated ot trowsered prude t wL c 1e,2l c,2 and l ove mm> aQd who shall dare To chide us tor loving a thing so fair? We love his face, with smile so bland; We lore the cane in his well gloved hand; \J o love his sombre and lofty air. His tout ensemble of well-dressed care.

\Ve love the go to-the-party dude. Who stands by the wall as though firmly glued: tVt-.? s °? s t0 the opera with well-banged hair. With a high silk hat and a languid air. He walks on the avenue every day, in a clerical collar and aimless way; He rarely smiles, and his drivelling talk la Blow, like his tongue and his languid walk.«

A reverend gentleman in Aberdeenshire having been summoned before the Presby tery for tippling, one of the elders, a con stant participator of his orgies, was sum moned to appear against him as a witness. "Well, John," said the member of the reverend court, "did yon ever see the accused the worse of drink!" "Well, I wot, no, answered John; "I've mony a time seen bim better o't, but never seen him the waur o't." "But did yon ever see him drunk?" "That's what 111 never see," replied the elder, "for l»ng before he's half sickened I'm aye blind fou.

STA.K, SI^TXJR^A.Y"str^P^KMiSNT, iS%X.Y' -31, I^B3.

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