THE SHUTES OF SHEFFIELD.

FKOM UELGRAVIA

jlv wife and I had given much thought to the question of house rent, and had decided that wo should not bo justified in ex ceeding £120 a year, but wo hoped to find a prctt. little place in the country at that rent." Our requirements wero modest. "Give me a well-cooked chop, and a good glass ot sherry, and I can rough it any where," said the intending traveller. AVo only wanted a thoroughly pleasant houso, within easy distance of a country town where there was good society, a really good garden, n stable and coach houso, when ono day, after a morning of disappointment, wo saw a charming one standing some little distance from the road, nnd a notice in formed us that it was to be let. AYe went to see it. It was simply perfect, and was surrounded by n garden which I, loved at first sight. It was sheltered from every cold wind, open to every benign influence, and full of tho most beautiful old-fashioned flowers, all growing as if thoy had been at homo there for years ! A single glance showed me that some which I had long been vainly trying to cultivate wore flourishing hero with happy indifference to human care. My wife was delighted with the houso—so was I—but it was tho garden which completely carried me away. It was not very large, but thero were wide open walks and pretty secluded paths and roses and fruit trees, a lawn and magnificent flower borders. Having onco scon that garden, 1 never could be satisfied with any "It's pretty, sir," said tho housekeepor, observing how lovingly my eyes dilated. " A many pretty flowers grows here. Thoy grow of their own accord like, for tho gardener has little trouble with them." " The gardener !" I exclaimed ; " I nover lot people of that kind run riot among my flowers';" " Oh, lor, sir, well to be sure ! But thero has nlw'-ays been a gardener hero. That's his cottage there, (behind tho trees,' and she pointed out a pretty red cottage across the lawn. Little was visible but the tops of some dormer windows, for a high trellis covered with roses screened it from viow. " What's the rent of Fairlawn ." I asked in sudden fear, for the little bit 1 saw of the gardener's cottage was so well built that it alarmed me. "£1(50, sir." My wife's countenance fell. With prompt decision she took off hor spectacles, put thcin carefully in their caso, and stowed them away in'her bag as no longer needed. " One hundred and sixty pounds," I re peated, very sadly. " Yes, my dear, that settles it, said my beloved wife; but she had no idou what regret I was feeling. "I supposo it's no use thinking of it," said I, with a sigh; "but I never saw flowers do so woll in any garden before." "Come, John," said my wife. "It's only tiring ourselves for no purpose—we had better go. You know as well as Ido that we ought not to saddle ourselves with Buch a high rent." " Stop ! I have an idea," said I joyously. " AYe might reduce the rent by letting that cottage !" "So you might, sir," interposed the housekeeper. "It has six good rooms and a kitchen—it was let a little while back to the curate. It's only the last year or two the gardener has had it." We went to tho cottage, and when I saw what an excellent house it was I decided to take Fairlawn. I settled the matter at once, and in ten days began to move in. I gave the cottage a name likely to intlamo ardent and poetical minds, called it Eglan tine Cottage, and advertised it freely. It had n verandah covered with roses, and a pretty little garden of its own in front sloping down to the high road. AYe had established outselves at Fairlawn, brought our dear only daughter home from school, and returned most of the calls made upon us by the resident gentry before we had an application for the cottage^ At last a gentleman came—a man of five-aud-thirty, with bushy brown hair, keen, inquiring gray eyjs, and a singularly intelligent face. His name was Shute. He had studied for the bar, but was forced to live in the country on account of his wife's health, and now devoted himself to art. They had no children, and did not object to a forty pounds rent, though I myself had feared it was rather too much. All was soon settled, provided the references he gave me were satisfactory.

They were most satisfactory. Each of the two responsible and well-to-do gentle men to whom I wrote had the greatest pleasure in testifying to the high character of the gentleman who wished to be my tenant, and each concluded by saying that such testimony on his part was almost un necessary, seeing that the said gentleman was one of the Shutes of Sheffield. I rend this, and straightway a fine flavour of re spectability attached itself to my tenant he was one of tho Shutes of Sheffield. This being the case, I dedicated to hLi enjoyment the larger part of a large homper of fine ferns which had been sent me from Cum berland, aud went and planted them my self in telling spots. That done, I tied up his roses so that his wife might have the full benefit of their beauty. Aud now all •care was over, and we were really happy at Fairlawn. My wife had her pony carriage •and explored the neighbourhood, and I had rqy garden and my box of books from tho library. Mr Shute's furniture began to arrive, and Mr Shute himself came to see all made ready for his delicate wife. He -stayed with us, but he was so busy that wo did not seemuch of him. Ho was, however, ■ a very pleasant fellow, and we liked him. "I won't trouble you with my furniture arranging difficulties, my dear Mr and Mrs Peveril," said he ; " but there is ono littlo favour I should like to ask of you. Would you mind having that trellis lowered n littlo ? It would be such a treat to my poor wife to have just a glimpse of your exquisite garden from her sofa. She is so unfortunate •as to be almost a confirmed invalid."

; " I shall be very glad—" I began. .''"Thank you ! thank you ! I felt sure you would be kind. Shall I give orders to have the trellis removed, or will you ?" " Kemoved I" I had imagined that ho said "lowered." Now, I like to throw-off ■toy coat and waistcoat when I am working inmy garden—but one can't behave ill to a delicate woman."

"She is coming to-morrow," said he; "there is no time to lose."

I had not tho courage to plead for its only being lowered, and now the windows of Eglahtine Cottago raked my happy hunting grounds where I had hitherto been so full of liberty, and so alono. My hearb ached for the poor roses which had been thrown down with the trellis. Mr Shuto began to pluck them, and said he would put them in water to help to make the house gay for his wife. Then he threw them down, exclaiming, " After all, she won't be here till to-morrow. lam sure you will give me a handful of fresh ones in the morning." " You have roses of your own," said I im patiently ; for he had flung down all those lie had just gathered—and it infuriates mo to see flowers ill treated.

"I know I have," he said calmly ; "but I don't want to touch mine. They make the front of the house look well. My wife,

Mr Pcveril, is quite the creature of im pression ! Come and see how you like the look of the little placo now that tho furni ture is in."

Everything looked most charming. Tho rooms were largo and low, with low, wide latticed windows and window seats, Tho viow into my garden , was delicious. I never thought the Shutes mid too much rent after I had seen that. Their furniture was of the "Queon Anno "time, and suited the rooms 'to perfection. Eglantino Cottage was infinitely prettier than Fair lawn. I began to feol unbounded respect for this scion of the Shutes of Sheffield, for all this delightful result had been obtained so easily. There was very little furniture in the drawing-room: tho floor was covered with Indian matting and Persian rugs; the curtains were of Japanese muslin ; the walls hung with the most oxquisito water colours in perfectly simplo wooden frames. There were twelve or thirteen magnificent Turners I I bad only one, the gift of my rich uncle, and I was accustomed to consider it a priceless possession. Mr Shuto actually bad thir teen, and a Girtin and a Barrett as well! Bosidcs this, there wero shelves full of beautiful china plates. I had never seen such a dainty abode bofore. Such nchly hung walls were a most agreeable sight to a landlord ! Full of • comforting inner warmth, I exclaimed, " AVell, there is no fear of Mrs Shuto not admiring this I" " You think so?" said he ; "I'm so glad ! I have had to be very careful what I did. You sco, sho is quite the creature of im pression, .should be miserable if sho said tho cottage was not pretty. By-the-by, did you know that sho was ono of the AA'ilmots of Taunton ?"

Now I was not going to stand that. I had made up my mind to feel a great re spect for thejShutes of Sheffield, and, if thoy all had as good an idea of furnishing as Ed ward Shute, they wore emphatically worthy of it, but I was "not going to allow myself to bo so much irapressixl by any other family. Besides, what wero tho AA'ilmots of Taunton to me? I was well acquainted with overy rose that was grown, I knew every pansy worthy of a place in my garden, but—l had never heard of the AVilmots of Taunton.

AYe went, over all the rooms ; one was fitted up as a studio. Mr Shuto's easel was sot up, his colour-box and palettes wcro ready ; but, of course, ho had not begun to work yet. "I shall bo glad when I get her safely here," said ho. "By-the-by, how am Ito fetch her from tho railway-station? Do you mind lending mo the pony-carriage ?" 1 said I would lend it to him, but I wished ho had not snid the pony carriage ; if he hod snid your pony carriago it would not have looked so much liko a vehicle which belonged just as much to him as to me.

Mrs Shute was a tall.palo, languid-looking woman of eight and twenty, with fair hair —which was by no moans all her own—and dull blue eyes. She spent most of her timo on the sofa.

"I do so wish we had a little bit of ground at the back of our house," said Mr Shute ono day to my wife; "if it wero ever so small. My poor wife never gets out; she can't sit in our garden, for it is so near the road, and being so much in the houso is so dull."

Having said this, he looked anxiously into her eyes to see how much Christian charity she possessed. My wife, poor, dear woman, was taken by surprise, and replied: "I wish Mrs Shuto would use our garden sometimes — when my husband is not working in it, I mean ; for when he is busy ho likes to be careless about appearances." "Oh ! thank you. How truly kind !" exclaimed Mr Shute. " Then we will have a key i_ade. You know there is a door from our back yard into your garden, and we will have a key made for it at once, unless you have one you can lend us."

And now my poor wife knew what she had done, for of course it was out of tho question for an invalid like Mrs Shute to walk all tho way round by the lane to the proper entrance, and yet, if she had a koy and could come and go when she liked, all my pleasure in my garden would be gone. " You won't go when my husband is at work ?" she said in desperation to Mrs Shute, and then trusted to her delicacy. AA'hat a poor weak thing to trust to !

They got the key—they used it. Mrs Shute, who was not strong enough to go round to tho proper entranco, meandered for miles along our gravel paths and lawn. I could always trace her presence, for she plucked overy flower she fancied, and flung it as quickly away, and I saw my slaughtered innocents lying bruised and withered in tho sun, and could have slain her in turn. Mrs Shute might be the creature of impressions, but the flowers wero the creatures of im pressions, too, and bore the marks of her ridiculous high-heeled shoos as she crushed them down in her indifference and passed on. For some little time sho respected my feelings, and never entered the garden when I was at work. Soon, however, she came when she chose, and frequently I, hard at work in my gray flannel shirt, would see a sylph-like form arrayed in spotless white glide toward me, which planted a camp stool within a yard of me, and seemed ' determined to enter into n prolonged con versation. If I moved away Mrs Shute was certain to follow mo. It was best to try not to mind her being there, and let her sit admiring her pretty feet and open worked stockings, and uttering weak little remarks. She was always affable. " I see, Mr Peveril, you are quite au bout dcs doigts with all your flowers," said she one day most kindly. " H'm," I replied. "Yes, I like flowers." " I worship them ! I even admire a lot of great, ugly ferns we have in our own garden !" Thus did the creature of im pression speak of the lovely, rare ferns which I had sacrificed to the tenants who were to help me to pay my rent. "Don't you like ferns?" I said, half in clined to make an effort to get them back again. "Well, yes, in the woods; but I like Pelar-r-rgoniums in gardens; nothing looks better. If I had plenty of money I'd just put hundreds of them in front of our hodso. AVhat a thing money is, Mr Peveril ! and thero are actually some people who are so crowded with it that they don't know what to do with it but make an ostentation of it I"

"I am very sure I should know-what to do with mine, if I had a little more," wos my thought—for I was forced to endure this lady's company for want of a miserable forty pounds a year.

Sho perhaps found me unusually dull, for she said sho would "stroll about a bit," and hastily knotting up a "guinea switch of hair "which was rolling down her back, sho wont away. Presently she returned with the Grosvenor book which I was look ing forward to the treat of reading when my work was done. She had obtained it by thrusting in her arm at the open window, and removing it from the table where it was lying awaiting my return. She and her husband, too, were extremely fond of possessing themselves of whatever they happened to want. She borrowed a book in this nefarious way. He came in a panic —his wife was _1; would we let him have

half a dozen bottles of old port V Or he was suddenly seized with admiration of ono of our water colours. AA'e had three good ones, but ho was not satisfied with any thing less than our Turner, nnd asked if we would allow him to take it to the eottego for an hour or two, and place it orr an easel near his wife's sofa—it would help to while away the weary hours, and she was the— „• Rather than hear him say that she was tho creature of impression I'hastened away to got tho picture for him. His wife did not caro for pictures ; why did he borrow thorn for hor ? She did not carp for books oithor. Sho was entirely uneducated, and though possibly a AA'ilmot of Taunton, she certainly was not a lady. Sho wished to' bd pleasant, though, and was vory fond of sym-i pathising with me whenever sho observed. certain small green insects which sho called " nasty atfritcs " on my roses. Had she been reading " The Persian and Turkish Talcs V\ I wished an ill-disposed ail'rite would cany her off, but nothing ever did carry her away from my side but the sight of tho gardener going toward tho kitchen garden. Then she said in a-moment, "Dear _vlr Peveril, Edward and I aro so fond of fresh vegetation—may I go and ask that man to cut somo little trifle for the cottage V" and 1, rejoicing at this momentary good fortuno, always said, "Oh, pray do." And she went and commanded him to bear to her abode cauliflowers and peas, lettuce and apricots,! or whatsoever else was agreeable to tho palate of a creature of impression. For my part, I should not havo cared what went to the cottage so long as nothing came from it —to sit by my side, 1 mean. But my wife said too much went! Thoy had now-mid eggs, milk, cream, and more butter than wo could well spare, and they did not pay as they got it, but let tho account run on. "Bo patient," said I; "don't complain, and don't offend them. We should havo been very hard up without those Shutes, for I have spent more than 1 ought on tho houso and garden, and it is an immense comfort to have such rich tenants. They must be rich, for those pictures on their walls are worth thousands. Don't let us think of the Shutes. Let us enjoy our happiness !"

Our dear daughter had got a lover—not a declared one, but ono who was evidently in earnest. He was a thoroughly con scientious, upright man, and hail a small estate which had been in his family for a couple of centuries. Our joy about this mado us tolerant of the Shutes. Tho young folks met constantly, and the moro wo saw of Mr Dueie the more wo liked him. Perhaps it was a lucky thing that Mrs Shute liked sitting on my lawn better than driving with my wife, for if she had used our pony carriage, my daughter would have had to stay at homo, and Mr Dueie would havo had fewer opportunities of seeing her.

One day, after irritating mo by calling my penstemons antirrhinums, when 1 should have disliked to hoar her bestow such an appellation on my snap-dragons, sho, who knew nothing of our secret hopes, suddenly exclaimed, "Mr I'overil, don't you think that Mr Dueie who comes to your house is n very charming young man ! Wo have asked him to the cottage and ho is coming! There are a great many nico young men in this neighbourhood. Inm going to invite my sister to come and stay with me—she is such a nice girl, and so beautiful!"

1 could see the connection of ideas. Sho was going to invite her sister to the cot tago in the hope of her fascinating some ono —most probably our Mr Dueie ! This was fatal, for if -Airs Shute made up her mind to' deprive ;us of anything which seemed good in her eyes, nothing remained to us but to resign ourselves to letting her have it. '

My poor Dorothea ! I sighed heavily. That marriage on which wc had set our hearts was not to be. Mrs Sbutc's sister, a AVilmot of Taunton, and probably alsii a creature of impression, would come and win away Mr Ducie's affections from my daugh ter, and my wife and I would lie such fools that oven we would allow ourselves to be drawn into doing our part toward pro ducing that result. I was silent for sonic time ; I was afraid she would notice it: I did not want her to know what we felt about MrDucie, so i said, " I suppose your husband is hard at work this lino morning V"

" Acs, he is busy copying—painting, I mean," said she, in some confusion.

"Copying nature, 1 suppose," said I; but it occurred to me that considering he was a landscape pauiter, Mr Shute stayed a great deal indoors.

Miss Wilmot came. She was as bright and rosy as Mrs Shute was pale, and hardly had sho arrived than the Shutes be<*an to borrow out pony carriage freely, ana asked us to lend them our lawn for a tennis party they wished to give, to in troduce her.

"They want to invito Mr Dueie !" I ex claimed, when my wife told me this. "It is too much? It's like seething v kid in its mother's milk !"

"And we shall have to supply the straw berries and the cream, and lend the teacups and teaspoons, and a couple of servants ! And she wants to borrow our long dining table to place under a tree on tho lawn, and has not got a tablecloth long enough to cover it, but is sure that wo have, and won't mind lending it, and— "Say no more," said I, decidedly. " AA'e must draw the line .somewhere, and I draw it at giving up -Air Dueie to them." He was there even when we wore speak ing ; he told us of his visit afterward, and said ho thought Miss AVilmot a very charming girl, though it was easy to sco that, like the fat boy in Pickwick, he know a niccrer ;" but how long would he continuo to put my Dorothea in the first place if thoso Shutes began to angle for him in ear nest? Our experience was that they al ways managed to '_'et what thoy wanted. He began to go to the cottage a great deal more than I liked. My wife said it was because from the Shutes' windows he could sometimes see Dorothea walking in our garden. I did not know. Why did ho nob como to lis ?

Ho did como lo us, nnd sometimes asked Dorothea to stroll with him in tho garden ; but no sooner; did they, go out than Mrs Shuto and Miss Wilmot joined them. I called the latter "The, Abominable, that uninvited came," but how could tho mind revert to.poetry in the midst oi such vexa tion as this ?

AVhilo everything was in this wretchedly; uncouifortabfe.state, I received a letter from my uncle—tlie uncle I did not want to offend. It was rather cold, and it ended thus: "I think, John, you must now sco that I had every reason to warn you against taking that foolishly expensive house of yours; but you nced'not have sold your 'Turner,' and you ought to have had at least another hundred for it. Besides, I would infinitely rather have lent you sonio money myself than have that exquisite drawing go out of tho family !"

It had not gone out of the family—l had not sold it, and never meant to do so !It had been an act of great self-sacrifice to let it go to the cottage "for a few days, but now I had got it back and would keep it. My uncle's letter made me feel inclined to go and look at tho drawing. I took it down to enjoy it thoroughly. It had been taken out of its frame. Why had that been done ? I at once went to the cottago to ask tho question. The ladies were out. They had hired a carriage and gone to spend the day with Mr Ducie's mother. They were cvi

dently in terrible earnest about that affair, and it was a most significant feature that they had hired a carriage, instead of insist ing on having ours. "Mr Shute is in the studio, sir ; will you walk upstairs?" said tho servant.

I walked upstairs, but he was not there. On tho tables and easols I saw a number of water-dolour drawings in various stages of progress, all of which he was" copying from others. Mr Shuto copied Turner draw ings, and sold them as originals ! I saw it in a moment. Ahd ho bad copied mine! Or had he perhaps sold tho original and sent mo back tho copy ? Then tho draw ings on his walls wore copies, too, and I had not such a well-to-do tenant after all, for those Turners on tho walls had been my sheet-anchor -of safety? Perhaps tho rent of this cottage, for which I had sacrificed so much, would nevor .be paid, and my cream and now-laid oggs, my fruit, my vegetables, my peace of mind, even my hopes for the future, wero all to bo as nothing. Lotters with foreign stamps lay on the table, , doubtless ordorß from tho antipodes for valuable drawings, which ray clover tenant had no difficulty in supplying, and evon now his wife and hor sister wore twining their moshes round— '

I lookod up suddenly, and saw from tho Shutes' window my Dorothea and Mr Ducio walking in tho garden bolow, hand in hand. Joy took possession of my hoart. Ho had Hod from the two Wilmot sirens in search of my Dorothea !

Wo ncvor, saw tho Shutes again. That same evening they left Eglantino Cottage. Next morning two emissaries of the law topk, possession of it., M r Shu te was deeply in debt, hut ho had taken away nearly every thing that was valuable. All that remained to satisfy his creditors was a certain amount of Indian matting, two pairs of flimsy cur tains, a fow msh-bottont'd chairs, empty picture irames, nnd sonicfiirnititro too heavy to be moved. The china plates which had looked so imposing wore cracked in every direction, and neatly mended. Not one of them was worth a shilling I Everything else wns much tho same. This little paradise of n'sthotioism had faded away in an hour or two.

My wifo and 1 woro so happy that wo did not grieve ever our lost rent. My uncle lent mo £100, and throo months after ward came to Dorothea's wedding, on which occasion ho satisfied himself, and mo too, that my Turner was still on my walls and that tho estimable Mr Shuto of Sheffield had contented himself with making a copy. M.vniiARKT Hunt.

An African Funeral.

0- tho evening of tho first day's jonrnoy wo stopped at a village called Itimba, near tho point where tho Congo begins to narrow down from a breadth of nine or ton miles to a few hundred yards. Hero, at Itimba, wo found the people just about to proceed to the obsequies of a dead fellow-townsman, an old man, apparently of somo social stand ing. Tho chief and his subjects were in some perplexity. Of lato years it has be come de rigueur, sinco guns woro intro duced into the Upper Congo regions, to firo a salute ovor the body of a defunct porson, especially if he bo of any distinction ; and the inhabitants of this village possessing only one pitiful old flintlock amongst them, and that terribly out of repair, wero hesita ting when wo arrived as to what course they should pursue—whother thoy should charge and fire this ono dilapidated gun and risk its bursting, or whether tho deceased should be allowed to wend his way to the land of spirits unhonourcd and unsaluted. Seeing their perplexity, Lieutenant Orbnn volunteorcd to tire off a round of twenty cartridges from his "AVinchestcr." The chief and people were delighted. Could thero bo greater honour for the deceased than to receive his farewell salute at the hands of a white man, with his wonderful gun, from Mputo—the mysterious region beyond the sea—the Un known—perhaps heaven itself? (for are not these white men sons of heaven) So thought the old chief, as he led us to sco tho corpse. AVith an earnest, pleading tone, he took our hands in his, and said, " Oh you, who are going homo!"—and he pointed to the pale and peaceful ovening sky—" You will sond him back to us, will you not? You tell him his hut is waiting for him, his wives will prepare his manioc white as cotton cloth, and there shall bo Malatu in plenty, and a goat killed. You will send him back, will you not?" This expression of feeling quite took us by surprise. Ordi narily tho African chief is so stolid, so thoroughly material, that one never expects from him anything like sentiment or poeti cal ideas. AA'c tried as gently as possible — for he appealed to both of us in his distress —to oxplain at once our utter inability to reanimate this hideous corpse with the breath of life, and to encourage him with vague hopes that all was not in vain ; but he shook his aged grizzled head sadly nt the confession of our powerlessness face to face with death. The body of the dead man had been previously smoked and dried over a slow fire, so that the flesh, except upon tho hands, was shrunken and reduced tea leatherycoveringroundthegauntbones. The face had been gaudily painted with scarlet, yellow, and white pigments, and tho whole body was oncrusted with tho red dye of the camwood tree. Bound the nosoand mouth was wrapped aband of cloth, and gay-patterned cottons swathed the body. For somo reason the hands were quite plump and woll covered with flesh, as if in life. Tho'dead man had been placer 1 in his gravo in a sitting posture, many layers of native cloth, lying under him, and ready to cover him up on the top were piles of cotton stuffs re-; coived in trade from the far-off coast, and representing to these natives a considerable' amount of wealth. In tho vague, half-dwter mined notions which the people here have conceived ns Uto a future existence every thing in the Spirit World is supposed to bo a pale copy of things existing on the earth, so fhat for this reason they put cloth,' vessels of pottery, and, in tho caso of a chief, dead slaves into their graves, in order, that the deceased' on arriving in the Land of Shades may not appear unprovided with! the necessary means of making a fresh start in a new lite.—(Special Correspondent of tlie "Daily Telegraph."") ■■ '-'•■>'■ <j i

King Charles • ll.' once said to John Milton: "Do you not think your blindness is a judgment upon yon for having written' in defence of my father's murder V" " Sir," answered the poet, "it is true I havo last, my eyes ; but if all calamitous providences arete be considered as judgments, your Majesty should remember that your royal ather lost his head."

Young Glucky, of the Union Club, had been up in Marin County shooting for a week, when be received a despatch calling him home. "My dear boy," said his partner, taking him aside, "have you the courago to bear up under a terrible blow?" W-w-h-at is it?" gasped Glucky. "Your wife has eloped." "Great Scott !" said the disturbed husband, "with whom?" " AVith your tailor." " You don't say so," replied tho bereaved man, with a beaming smile. "Why I owed him six hundred dollars." " AVhat'll yet take?" Heavendoo.. indeed temper the wind to tho shorn lamb.

HUMOROUS CLIPPINGS.

" TiiEvtell me, said a temperance lecturer tb one of his neighbours, ' that you are fond of a glass of wine." " They are greatly mistaken—they should havo said a bottlo of wine."

"How profoundly still and beautiful ia the night," she whispered, leaning/hor finely-veined temple against his cont-collnr, and fixing her dreamy eyes on the far-off Pleiades, "How soothing, how restful." "Yes," he replied, toying with her golden aureole of hair, "and what a night to shoot cats I"

A gentleman onco said he should like to seta boat full of ladios adrift on the ocean to see what course they would steer.' A lady in tho room replied, "That's easily told—they would steer to the Isle of Man, to bo sure !"

"|VVherowas Bishop Latimor burned-to death?" asked a teacher in a commanding voice. "Joshua knows," said a little girl at the bottom of the class. " Well," said tho teacher, "if Joshua knows he may tell." " In tho tiro," replied Joshua, looking very grave and wise.

The following epitaphs may be considered grave jokes, but 1 will use them neverthe less. A Dr. Fuller died, aud tho following epitaph was inscribed upanliis tombstone —" Fuller's earth." A lawyer of the name of Strange had these words put upon his headstone—" An honest Lawyer—Strange." '• Hero lieum Editor " was the unflattering epitaph of a brother of a quill. Sally, looking down from the window upon one of her master's customers, said, "Wo havo all been converted, and when you want whisky on Sunday you must como in at the hack door."

"Some books," said a wag, "like Acts of Parliament, are merely read by their titles and then passed,"

Witty things innumerable are told of the Dublin carmen; one is, that on a wet day, driving tin English fare through Siiekvillo slrcet, as thoy passed the (leneral I'ost ollico, the entablature of which is sur mounted by three allegorical figures, tho Briton called out—" What statues arc those, driver?"

Minister's Man.—"How is it," said a Scotch minister to his servant, "that you never go a message for me anywhere" in the parish but you take too much spirits ? I'eople don't offer me whisky when I'm making visits in the parish." " We'd, sir," answered John, "I canna prcceesely ex plain it, unless on the supposition that I'm a wee mair popular wi' some of the folks." All Right. -Mark Twain and a friend met al the Sherman House, Chicago, where Cough, the temperance advocate, was also staying at tho time, and concluded to amuse themselves by sending a "cocktail"' to Cough's room. On its arrival there, it was of course refused; but the waiter drank it on the way down stairs, and re ported "All right I" to the delighted humo rists. A second and a third "cocktail" were taken up, and disposed of in like manner, when Cough appeared on tho scene, and spoiled the joke by exposing the craft of the waiter, whom ho had followed, and dotected in the act of swallowing tho last boYerage.

"How many comets did you say there were?" inquired the magistrate of the prisoner, who had been locked up over night for deranging the symmetry of a neighbour's features during nn astronomical controversy. "Three, ay it pluze yer homier." The court smiled incredulously, upon observing which i'at added: "I'm afthor telling ye the thruth. Mickey Farrcl he saw one; Mrs Dinnis sho saw another ; an' it was mesolf that saw the third."

A man went into a druggist's shop and aske.4 for- something to cure a headache. The druggist held a bottle of hartshorn to his nose, and ho was nearly ovorjiowered by its pungency. As soon as he recovered he began to rail at the druggist, and threatened to punch his head. "But didn't: it help your headache?" asked the apothecary. "Help?.// headache!" gasjicd the man; / haven't any headache. It's my wife that's got the headache !" .

An Irish ecclesiastical student, who went to finish his course of theology in Spain, sent a glowing account of his journey in letters to a nowspnper iv his native town. His Inst letter concluded thus: "I can write no more, for before my vision rise the gorgeous domes of Salamanca." The printer gave his enthusiasm another direc tion, for ho printed "dames" instead of "domes," to the horror of the bishop, who nt once prohibited the publication of any further letters from that distracted young man.

'•Sarah, dear," said a waggish husband to his wife, "if 1 were in your place I wouldn't keep that baby so full of butter as you do." '• Butter, my dear ! I never give it any butter." "No;but yon poured about a quart of milk down it this after noon, and then trotted it on the knee for nearly two hours. If it don't contain a quantity of butter, it isn't for the want of churning."

' A grocer grossly insulted a Doncaster lady the other day without iuteudiug it. She was an immensely-stout woman, and, stepping upon the scales, playfully re quested the grocer to weigh her. As ho adjusted the weights ho remarked that she weighed IDO pounds, which proved to be her exact weight. " How did you come to guess it?" she asked. "I am used to guessing nt weights. I weighed hogs, for five yoars in Cincinnati. "On the front of tho Post-office?" asked Pat, from between his coat collar. *' They arc tho twelve Apostles, your honour." "Twelve Apostles," muttered tbe Briton, contemptuously; "there are only three there." "Lord bless your sowl.'sir, ■'Was the response, " sure you would net have them all out fins'niurthei-ing wci day." I myself heard one of them give n sharp end rather oArurteonsreply, when ciilli. ' . • n ' .v.tle -1111111 if he wanted a car; tiie ratrir- said "no," he was able to walk. The'jnrvcy answered -" May your honour lorn,' be able, but seldom willing."

An Irishman ono -day recently .appealed for aid to a party lof iwOrkm_ii'-\_iofti he chanced to meet. Ho said, "I 'havo not had n thing to do in my line 'for"fiver nine, months. Will you please help -'en honest labouring man who, is,- in a bad nip .of luck?" The-working men put their hands into their pockets in search of ,-onie money to givo him, when it occurred to mie o them to ask: "How is it you can get no work, when there in plenty of work to be had?" "AA'ell, there has been nothing in in lino, an vhow," replied the applicant. "AA'hat is your line?" asked one. "Shovelling snow," replied Pat. One day, when it was known that Curran was to make an elaborate in-_-ninent in Chancery. Lord Clare brought .1 large New foundland dog upon.the beech with him, and during the progress of tho areumeht he "lent his car" much more to the dog than to the barrister. This was ob served at length by the whole, pro fession ; in time the Chancellor lost all regard for decency; he turned himself quite aside in the most material part of the case, and began in full court to fondle the animal. Curran stopped at once. " ( !o on, go on, Mr Curran," said Lord Clare, who certainly had much of the coxcomb in his manner. "Oh, I beg a thousand par dons, my lord," said Cm-ran ; '5J really took it. tor granted that your lordship was ' employed in consultation." J

STAR SATURDAY SUPPLEMENT,- DECEMBER 15, 1883

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