STAR SATURDAY SUPPLEMENT.

AUCKLAND, N.Z., SATURDAY, DECEMBER 1, 1883

RANDOM SHOTS.

[By Zamikl.]

Rome write, 11 neighbour's name to lush, Some write—vain thought!—for needful cash, §nme writo to please the country clash, ° Ami raise a din. For me, mi aim I never fash— I writo for fun.

The threo leading events of the past week O r so have been the arrival of the steamer Triumph; the placing of the Star "ex tinguisher" on our local railway reformer, Jlr Samuel Vaile ; and the delightful little immeof " logic-chopping" which has been going on between the morning paper and the Right Reverend Bishop Luck. Of the first of these very mild sensations, I shall have something to say further on; and of the last • named it is pretty evident that tho subject has been thoroughly thrashed to totters by the dis putants. The railway reform question, however, is not yet settled, for I sec that the "reformer" is still at it, coming up smiling and confident after each rebuff, apparently no more "crushed" than would a sheet of "gold leaf be by the impact of a steam-hammer. Reflecting on these two discussions, which have supplied the reading public with very good pabulum during the newspaper " silly season," it has struck mo that-Mr Vaile would do well to take a lesson in logic from Bishop Luck before he attempts to pose as a reformer. Luther, with all hisgeniusand force of charac ter, would not havo shaken the world had his celebrated theses been based on bad logic. I find the following ten lines in Mr Vaile's e;aay on "Railway Reform," and they may be taken as a fair sample of the whole: —"Cheap fares must lead to faster and more frequent trains. This means saving time. Time saved to the individual is money gained for the State. At present, bo far as Auckland is concerned, to go and return 100 miles, and transact any business, means losing three days. Cheap fares would also mean employment for a vast number of people in constructing new lines, and in managing them when in working order."

There are throe distinct statements or propositions here, and the thought has oc curred to me—How would these look if tested by the syllogistic method ? Take the first proposition—"Cheap fares must lead to faster trains." It could only be proved by some such reasoning as this :— Major —The rate of travelling is aft'ected by the rate of payment ; minor— but the less you pay the faster you travel. Ergo — Cheap fares must lead to faster trains. The same process would bring out that greater facilities for frequent travelling would be afforded by lowering the fares; but how transparently false are the premises! So with the next proposition, "Time saved to the individual is meney gained to the State." This can only bs maintained by these pre mises :— Major, Time is money to the in dividual ; minor, but the State and tho in dividual are one; ergo, us above. Similarly absurd would appear a syllogistic statement of another assertion quoted above : — Major, Withhigh fares our railwaysdo not pay inter est on costof construction, much less provide for tear and woar, er extension of the syßtem; minor, but with low fares our railways would pay, etc.; ergo, " cheap fares would mean employment for a vast number of peo ple in constructing new lines," and so on. It will be observed that the minor premise in the last instance is a pure assumption, and well-nigh impossible of proof ; while in the two preceding instances the minor pre mise in each case is manifestly untrue, and therefore the conclusions are false and mis leading. Yet it is on wild assertions and groundless assumptions such as these that Mr Vaile bases his " his " scheme of so called railway reform—a scheme which has not even the merit of originality which he so persistently claims for it ! A dozen un supported statements of a similar kind to these could be picked out of his paper read before the Institute ; but time is money, life is short, and pen and ink too valuable to waste over such ridicu lous and pretentious vapourings.

Otago once enjoyed the reputation of providing the best agricultural show in the colony, but the signs of the times point to the conclusion that the prestige in this direction is no longer hers. I see that the Dunedin papers have been bemoaning the superiority of the Christchurch exhibition to their own, and this circumstance reminds me of an amusing reminiscence in connection with the Otago show of last year. The Auckland cricketers arrived at Dunedin on the day fixed for the opening, and, taking some of his comrades in tow, Mr W. F. Buckland started for the field of operations. Even in that country, he was reckoned a "whale" on agricultural shows, and his opinions were awaited by the promoters with some interest. Expecting a good deal more thanhe couldsee, and being thoroughly disgusted at the indifference of the show in point of merit, his disposition to be sar castically witty was aroused. Everything was submitted to unmerciful criticism and comparison with the Auckland productions, and it was apparent that they suffered by the contrast. The Otegians were displeased, but it was apparent that they had improved their opinions of things Auckland in the agricultural Bhow line. Some were found who ventured to espouse the Southern cause, but facts and figures were hurled at them with such wonderful rapidity and volubility by the Auckland champion that they retired from the conflict in confusion. The Northerners left tho show in disgust, and in almost every department, they are now prepared to back Auckland against Otago for ex«ellence. XXX Few situations could be more embarras sing than that in which a local knight of the cleaver, who runs a butchering estab lishment in one of the suburbs, was placed the other day. His shop was filled with custo»ers, and he was busily engaged in attendance upon their respective wants, when a toddler of five years came into the shop with a mewing kitten of attenuated and sickly appearance clutched in its hand. The customers naturally turned to ascertain the cauße of the kitten's cries, when the horrid child flourished the little animal round his head, and exclaimed, "Papa, papa, will this do for sausages ?" There

was a sudden stillness as of death, and it is* scarcely necessary to add that sausages were not purchased by any of the assembled ciißtomerß.

My attention has been drawn to a prac tice which there can be but little doubt should be put an end to at once. I allude to the custom which now prevails of jrirls of tender years connected with the Salva tionist movement being allowed to traverse the streets after nightfall selling tho "War Cry." Instances have happened where these girls have been offering the paper? for sale in the public streets quite as late as ten o'clock at night, exposed to the coarso jokes and rufhanly remarks of low fellow?, who constantly infest the town. Serious consequences followed the adoption of the same practice in Melbourne, and equally grave objections to the course pursued are offered in Auckland. If the Army oflicers are so anxious to dispose of their publica tions, surely there are enough men and boys in the organisation to undertake the task without entrusting it to young girls, thus exposing them to the certainty of in sult, and the probability of violence. I would commend the matter to the serious attention of parents.

An occurrence which may be said to reflect no credit upon the executive officers of the Sunday-school Union Exhibition occurred on Monday night. The Committee had specially requested tho assistance of a number of teachers that night to assist in tho arrangement of exhibits, and 'respond ing to their request, many young ladies ■wore in attendance. When they reached tho Drill-shed they were brusquely informed that they were not wanted, and the indig nation of the representatives of a leading school was thoroughly aroused when they overheard one prominent officer remarking to another that " theso people apparently wanted to save their shilling for admission." The incident has given rite to some feeling, and I mention it as a matter of public interest. There can be no question that when people—and especially young ladies —go out of their way to perform an honorary duty for the beneiit of any public institu tion, it is to be regretted that they should be subjected to snubs from the officials of the body whom they are obliging.

Citizens who occasionally "take their walks abroad,'' in the language of long departed Dr. Watts, must surely notice how abundantly ilowers^blossomin suburban gardens, which are literally, just [now, full of odorous favourites. The recent Horti cultural Show satisfactorily evidenced how suitable is this sunny clime for the culture of flowers, but, melancholy to state, the Show was not n financial success. The palpable reason of its perceptible failure was the "penny wise and pound foolish" arrangements of the Managing Committee, who did not advertise. The months of November and December nt Home are amongst the dreariest months of the year, but in New Zealand they form the most buoyant season—verily, the Jliltonic May timeof,flowerß. TheCommitteeacknowledge that they, made a mistake in not securing the assistance of the Press, which will be duly patronised in future.

+ +

The cultivation of a flower garden is not only a healthful but a delightful occupation, and in no other object upon which human regard can be bestowed do I find the proportion of pain to en joyment so very small, and the possibility of self-reproach so nearly excluded ; nor need the amateur gardener be ignorant of timely attention to garden production?, as instructions, by skilled hands, appear week by week in the Saturday's Supple ment to the Auckland Evening Star, in which necessary advice is plainly tendered. Lovers of Nature's beautiful offerings know that flowers live and yet may suffer from neglect. Some persons not unreasonably believe that flowers are conscious, and are inclined to say with Wordsworth, " It is my faith that every flower enjoys the air it breathes." In this money-grasping and utilitarian age, many persons feel no sym pathy heartily with flowers, yet few object really to wear a ro.-e in the coat, even though tho coat may be the property of the tailor, and especially when fixed as a token of blushing innocence by the hand of a lady. Persons enter into relations with flowers when they regularly tend them, as surely as a nurse enters into relations with the children under her motherly care. In attending to flowers, there is just that mixture of manual with mental occu pation which to most sensitive people is peculiarly restoring as a relaxation from the arduous duties of daily life, and with which is interwoven the pleasures of soul and sense. Some persons, even in this city, would ignore the beautiful and favour nothing but the useful, but it has been wisely ordained that beauty and utility should harmoniously exist for each other. Providence has not thought fit that man should live, like Mr Button's " man in the moon," on a flowerless and barren soil, without vegetation and refreshing showers.

Many a true word is spoken in jest, and even from the libretto of a comic opera wisdom may be gathered. Has not the gifted Gilbert put into the mouth of his bumboat woman the sage quatrain : — " Things are not always what they seem. Skim milk masquerades as cream ; Peacocks strut in jackdaws' feathers; High-lowß pasß as patent leathers."

And has he not emphasised its force with the deliberate endorsement of Captain Corcoran:

Very true; bo they do."

My purpose, however, on this occasion, is not to deliver a finely-spun dis quisition upon an abstract theme, but to point the moral and adorn the tale, or, in plainer and more prosaic terms, to indicate how a smart young policeman, the other night, had a practical illustration of the fact that "things are not always what they seem," as the goepel according to "Pinafore" puts it. He was young and susceptible, sported a slender but promising fringe of down upon his upper lip, and was selected by Mr Superintendent Thomssn to keep a nightly vigil outside the temporary barracks of the Saltation Army in Albert street, so as to restrain within proper bounds the frolicsome hoodlums who haunt the neighbourhood. Sistern and brethren of various grades in the army of blood and fire had wrestled with him on the subject of his spiritual welfare, and he was begin

ning to waver, while the pious conversation of all wearers of tho uniform or badge whom he had encountered had led him to regard them as specially sanctified by their high calling.

This was tho bent of his mind when, idly ruminating outside the Temperance Hall a few evenings .since, during an interval be tween the showers ho was approached by a buxom and strapping lass in full uniform, and bearing a bundle of " War Crys " upon her arm. She stopped and asked him to buy, but ho meekly declined. In nowise daunted, she pressed the sale of her literature, and this time tho guardian of tho peace, forced to further refusal, ex plained that ho hud not enough money. The fair news-vendor in surprise re marked that the price of the paper was only twopence, and that he surely had that much money. Sorely perplexed, the policeman answered that he had only six pence, and that, as the night was cold and his beat long, he was re serving it for something "hot" at midnight. Thereupon, the unabashed maiden rejoined, "Oh, never mind; buy a paper, and I'll shout for you," sup plementing the oiler with the suggestion that they could go for a walk around Customhouse-street and by tho beach as soon as the meeting was over. The astounded Robert, recovering his composure, repulsed the siren with tho remark t!iat he was not partial to midnight mennderings, added that when he did "walk" he was not al together careless of his company, and in dignified silence resumed his beat. As for the amorous promoter of " War Crys," she retired undismayed, covering her retreat by accosting a hiocuping citizen with an appeal to invest in her stock.

About the best story of New Zealand Par liamentary amenities which 1 have ever heard has lately been brought under my notice, and as its chief character is a local M.H.R., I take the liberty of introducing it to my readers, alboit the reproduction of what looks suspiciously like a piece of mild profanity. The story g.'es that once upon a time, in tho course of a debate, a member noted for his use of "jawbreakers" pre dicted that if n certain course were per sisted in "it would certainly produce a cataclysm." The last word of the sentence, it is needless to .say, was not generally understood, and a succeeding speaker took occasion to remark that it was wrong to use such a learned term in debate. The first speaker (Mr E. C. J. Stevens) justified his use of tho word, and con tended that the scope of his remarks was perfectly intelligible. Upon this, someone proposed they should test tho matter by asking Mr Swanson, the "work ing man " member for Newton, whether ho had understood Mr Stevens; a proposal which was carried ni'in. con., and at once given eH'cet to. Mr Swanson, who is very far from being uneducated, promptly re plied:—"l don't know what 'cataclysm' is derived from. I don't even know what language it is. But I know it means' Hell and Tommy '" ! ! ! Mr Stevens's use of the word WHS pronounced amid roars of laughter, to be triumpantly justified, and the Houso was more firmly than ever convinced of the shrewdness and ability of "Willie" Swanson. Let mo add that 1 do not vouch for the truth of the story, but simply give it as I find it. narrated in a Southern journal. I should like, however, to ask whether Mr Swanson, " or any other man," can give the derivation of the phrase (more forcible than elegant) which the member for Newton is credited with having used ? Such a fastidious writer as De Quinooy does not hesitate to introduce it in one of his essays, in which he remarks that " Lord Bacon played Hell and Tommy when casually raised to tho supreme seat in the Council;" but neither in Do Quineey nor anywhere else have I found an explanation of the origin of the words. will some etymological Dryasdust essay the task of giving coherence to the portentous phrase ? XXX

" Fanny Fin " has sent a letter asking me a question. She says that on Sunday last she went to hear the Salvation Army in the Theatre, when Captain Ted Wright said he and his soldiers would not answer any questions ; their business was to wage war against the devil and save souls, not to answer questions. Then, says our corres pondent with great inconsistency he went on to tell a story about an all-night meet ing at Home, how several leaders of the Army on their way home, met with a rebuir from two ladies whom they had stopped in the street to ask after the welfare of their souls. What weighs on Fanny's mind is this—Did not the Salvationists put an impertinent question at an improper time, and were the ladies not fully justified in making a sharp retort? And, further, whether the Salvationists are not inconsistent in re fusing to answer question* when they take the liberty of putting so many them selves '! XXX

My unknown, but none the less devoutly respected, friend has been unduly distress ing herself over this matter. Tlio privilege of asking questions is one of those glorious prerogatives which people of an inquisitive mind arrogate to themselves irrespective of any consideration of right. Nor is the quidnunc's habit at all regulated by his own communicativeness under cross examination. There is, howcer, a toler ably efficient security in the power of visiting impertinent questions with brusque replies ; and two ladies accosted by perfect strangers in the street and asked about the health of their souls were as much entitled to resent the intrusion as if they had been requested to dilate on the condition of their livers, or to explain whether their mothers knew they were out. There is an easy tolerance of this speering after souls which is not easily explicable. Probably even Captain Ted Wright would consider it impudence for any man or woman to bail up the partner of his joys and sorrows on the public highway and ask whether her biliary ducts were doing their duty well, and her bowels maintaining a healthy degree of openness—and yet these questions might signify nothing more than a sincere concern for the health of thoso important contri butors to human happiness or misery. But if a rough answer follows an ill-timed query about the welfare of a person's soul, they resent it as though they were in the full en joyment of a sleeping partnership in the concern. Ido not pretend, in these random notes, to adjust all such fine distinctions in sooial ethics ; therefore, when Fanny asks me whether occasion may not arise when a

query of this kind may not unjustly be answered by ti vigorous application of one's sole to the questioner's body, I must simply answer that the range of possibilities in evangelising extravagance is too wide for me to settle such a question out of hand.

Curiosity, it must bo admitted, is a rather strong feature in "Zamiol," and, conse quently, I do not anticipate that my leaders will fuel greatly surprised when I assort that I was one of the eager, anxious--, pushing crowd that congregated on the ■wharf when the Triumph arrived. A sudden increase of four or livo hundred to the population deserved a small public demonstration. The excitement on board was intense ; old men and young men, old women and young women, officers and crew, from the captain to the cook, appeared to have reached the one event of the voyage, and the rushing to and fro was rather alarm ing. A large quantity of luggage lay strewed about the decks, and every lew moments thcro was a rush of people from the lower regions all heavily laden with bundles of various descriptions. And in the mean time the now chums had in many instances discovered their friends from the shore, and the orthodox reception in the form of hugg ing and kissing and the fervent " God bless you, my dear," took place. Other* of the immigrants were not so fortunate, and ap peared in great trouble. "Dear, dear me !" one old lady cried, laying hold of an officer by the arm, "whatever .shall 1 do ? My friends live three miles away, and none of them are here." " Well, my good woman,1' responded the man in uniform, " you can go to the Immigration Depot and wait till your friends call." But tho old lady said she didn't believe in that sort of thing when she had friends here, and she .suddenly disappeared below, apparently very much inclined to weep. There were many of her kind on board, and, refusing to be comforted l>e cau.se of the neglect of their " friends," they proved a perfect nuisance to everybody. XXX On the other hand, many of the immi grants appeared in a very jolly mood, and here let me say a'word about the single girls. They uttered no complaint, but passed the time while gathering up up their luggage, in gaily chatting to each other. Auckland, they unanimously agreed, was a splendid place, and they wanted to get ashore right away. When the vehicles which were to convey them to the Howe-street Home hove in sight, the girls appeared jubilant, and expressed their pleasure at tho immediate prospect of a trip overland, and a change from the monotonous life on shipboard, licki ng up their bundles, each wnlked over the gangway on to the wharf, running the gauntlet of the crowd which hemmed them in, and which kept up a steady lire of pleasantries such as "Now, my dear, bring your carpet bag along," " Take care, don't stumble now," and suchlike.

But the girls took everything kindly, and passed through the ordeal with remark able good humour. They undoubtedly knew that they were the subjects of a most searching criticism, and yet no doubt they would have been rather astonished had they heard the remarks of some of the more juvenile onlookers. One youth set himself up as n judge of nationality, and ho pointed out with Croat gusto a number of companions—the "Irish," tho "Cockneys," and tho "Scotchios;" while another interesting colonial larrikin speculated on the probable occupation which each of the girls was likely to follow. Upon seeing one female with difficulty negotiating tho gang way sideways, owing to her inability to walk straight because of " the rails being so close," the young fellow gave it as his opinion that she had come to join some "show," and accordingly ho urged "tho boys" to " have a good look at her "while they got the chance and no pay. A third individual diacantod upon the per sonal appearance of the new chums, and his conclusions, though not often very flatter ing, were in some instances rather compli mentary : and at this stage let me observe that, unlike the arrivals by the Westmeath and Doric, they included many rather good looking girls, the majority of whom, how ever, it must be admitted, were amongst tho " paid" passengers. While listening to the observations of other people, I by no means neglected to take notice on my own behalf. First, 1 was struck with the fact that the immigrants all looked very well, and, especially tho single girls, had certainly not been starved during the voyage. Most were attired in real new chum style, and it was evident that some of them considered that any thing would do for this country. According to the information possessed by new arrivals, "we go very light on clothing, because of tho great heat." A walk up Queen-street, however, soon dispels this illusion. But to return to the landing of the passengers. The single girls having passed examination by the colonial critics, assembled on the wharf, mounted three of Crowthcr's bleaks, and wero soon out of sight, while the single men and married couples speedily followed, some with their friends, and others to the Immigration Barracks, XXX

Then I naturally wished to inspect the late habitations of the departed population, and I was just qnietly stepping downstairs atthe single women'squarters when I heardn chorus of voices culling " Hey, you can't go down there.' The surgeon having been appealed to, said that "If I had any friends on board I might go below," and in all innocence I replied that I had not, and was in consequence required to forego the gratification of a strong curiosity as to what was 'tween decks. Although I did not visit the single women's apartment, I had a good idea of the kind of place it was ; in fact, ono does not require to do moro than place his olfactory organs over any of the immigrants' quarters to learn a great deal. The first thing I learnt was that my appetite for dinner was lost. A few hundred people cooped_ up in an immi grant vessel, especially if she be a steamer, does not impart that peculiar sweetness of smell which could be called charming, and the little I learned of what existed when I was not permitted to look, but could not be prevented from smelling, made mo resolve never to travel in an immigrant ship. How these four hundred and seventy four people lived for sixty-four days in such an atmosphere, and yet arrived hero "in good health," is enough to puzzle any fellow. Profitting by my previous mis

take, I determined to obtain admission to the apartments recently occupied by the married people, and so when a sailor cried, "Hey, mister, did you have any friends on board?" I quietly bowed and stepped below. There I found a .second VVeut meatli. The sleeping berths wore not tho least bit too large, and were arranged in clusters of about a dozen, ingress and egress being had by means of. narrow passages. Still it was up to the requirements of the Act, and tho prevailing oduiir bein^c rather sickening, I completed my survey very shortly "and took my departure—l must confess not with the most favourable im pressions of the immigration arrange ments.

HOIiTICULTURK, )iv VT. GOLDIB: In this Bcctlon, which covers Hit; pages, witknuracr oiih illustrations, special aftention is paid to tliuinnnnKcmonlof Fruit, Trees, will; such simplo (lireetions and diagrams for Pruning, Grafting, Buddint;, etc., that, any settler, ■without previous knowledge or skill, can manage his orchard profitably.

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USEFUL MECHANICAL CONTRIVANCES. 31 l'ages: Under this heading have been classed v variety of contrivances, which will be found useful to the settler; hints end helps/or the bush: cheese presses, carts, fences, gates, measuring and splitting tim ber, measuring garments, eroding ivalis and banks, windmills, &c., &c.

PRESERVING AND STORING, 50 Pages: Includes tho best methods of storing, drying, bottling, canning, and preserving fruit; the most approved modes of curing bacon and hams, with design for smoke-house : instruc tions for pickling, sauces, rinegar-inaking, &c.. &c.

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COTTAGES FOR SETTLERS: Four destans of Useful Cottages, with plans and di-iailed Estimates, are given, so thnt the settler can Bimply copy the specification and send to tbo mill and procure tbo complete material for the erection of his house.

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LEGAL MEMORANDA, prepared by Mk Thomas Cotteb, Auckland City Solicitor, giving a digest of nil the laws which it is imperative for a settler to know, including Fencing Act, Scab in Sheep Act, Timbe?.- Floatage, Roads, etc., etc.

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¥OWRR A D Y. " TJRETTS riOtiONISTS1 /^ UIDE JDiiKT'rs L/OLoxiSTs1 vauiujs AND /"IVCLOPvKniA OF TTSKFUL V-yYCLOIVKMA OF ÜBlit'UL KXOWLICDGK " NOWLKDIiE, BKIXd A COMPKNDIUM OF INFORMATION BY PRACTICAL COLONISTS UI'OX FARMING, irOin'lCULTintK, AND ALL SUBJECTS OF INTEREST TO NEW ZEALAND SETTLER,?, Edited by Thomson W. Ley,-i The abovo work, which contains SW ragOß, and is profusely illustrated with engravings, coin]iriscs sections on :— THE PARJI, ry Thomas Ai.lkx: Directions for Mush ami Fern Land; Growth of vari ous Coreal ami Itoot. ( irnjis: Manaijement o£ C'attlo, Hlieep. and Hordes, with Cure of their Disonses, etc., etc. This section, which contains 217 closely-printed pages, with many diagrams nnd illustrations, including specimens of t he best pnrcliml liorses.shccp, and cattle, together with selections from the Stud and Pedigree Stock Company's thoroughbred stock, comprises the carefully collated experience of tome of the most successful Auckland and Canterbury Farmers.