STAR SATURDAY SUPPLEMENT.

AUCKLAND, N.Z., SATURDAY, AUGUST 11, 1886

RANDOM SHOTS.

[By Zamiel.]

Lome write, a neighbour's name to lash, lome write -vain thought!—lor needful cash, Some write to please the country clash, And raise a din. Por me, an aim I never fash— I write for fun.

Thk oratorical escapade of the member for Auckland Weft has been so unduly elevated into public notice, and, in the absence of anything more exciting in political circles, has been magnified into a matter of so great importance, that '" Zamiel" felt it would look like a studied slight if he took no notice of it in this column. Pen in hand, I eat me down the other afternoon to jot down.an idea or two on the subject; but either Irom it having been so well thrashed out by ethers, or from lack of appreciation of Hibernian eloquence and noble-minded patriotism on my part, the ideas refused to flow. In my fix the post man brought me a Wellington letter, ad dressed in the bold round hand of my good friend, Baroardo de Montmorency Flynn, who is presently in the Empire City study- Ing politics combined with pig-sticking- Tearing open the missive, 1 found it con tained the foil awing elegant effusion, which I give verbatim —merely remarking that Barnardo has manifestly been nestling under the mantle of the great " Paddy Murphy " :— THE BANKfCR AND THE BULLY. Tune: " The Groves of Blarney." Och 1 the fearful ruction. And the wild destruction. That tnk piano in the House Laat Tuesday night. When the Dargavillen, Who would blood bo spillin', ■ Said—" Barkis is willin' It yez wants a light!" Sez he—" Your Pi-amyor Is a foxey schamcr, AVho robs ihe colony By legal rule ; And that bullyin" Major I'd take yez a wager Is the Bank of New Zealand's Obaidyent tool!" Sez the Major—" Be cool now, Yez called me a tool now. And I'll make yez prove it— Tnere I stand or fall." ■ Sez Darny—" Be aisy, And don't go crazy ; Shuro I diu'nt mane yez At all at all ! " If I called yez a bully, .X meant it f .lly— Shure y u're the bully boy Kvcry wan knows ; And my passionate pleadin' (From full notes readin') Won't be used agin' me I don't suppose ! '*' Tea the one thrue banker— 'The country's anchor ; It lor office I hanker, It's a noble aim. Don't heed, I beseejh yez, .My eloquent speeches— It's my Irish be-lud That does that same !" Then ould Montgomery Ho spoke some flummery; And wid solemn mummery, Like boys at school, They choae a committy In Willinton city. To prove that the Treasurer Is just ii "tool." So to finish my story I must say. to their glory, They kicked out Bertie, The painted pig ; And it's my persuasion, On tin*, next occasion That Dargy "spoutß " He won't talk so big ! XXX The good fortune of Auckland institu tions is exciting euvy in the South, and ■certain old identnies of Otago are said to be so grieved about the matter that they are seriously considering the expediency of suicide, in order to prove, by their big legacies to Duntidin, that Southern patriot ism is level with that of the North. One would think their purpose might be served with greater pleasure to themselves by i some act of liberality in their lifetime, but taking money from old fellows whose one aim in life has been its accumulation, is more painful than extracting their eye teeth. There ia something very melan choly about the end of Auckland's bene factor, Costley, whose praises have been over-sung in pulpit and press. I am told that the poor old fellow denied himself the luxury of stockings, and groped his way to a cold bed in the dark, in order, to save a few pence, and so increase his accumula tions ; and all this keen avarice without a motive beyond the possession of wealth, which was locked up in properties and bank strong-rooms, to that he hadn't even the pleasure enjoyed by the good old fashioned miser of gloating over his golden stores 1 Clinging tenaciously to his worth less pelf until tne summons of the ghastly gleaner was heard at his door, as though he could not tolerate the thought of even a prospective parting with his hoard by will, and then hastily disposing of it in accord ance with the hurried suggestions of another, who was fearful lest death should step in and throw the whole estate into Chancery to be fought over by needy adven turers. It is all very pitiable, and the munificence of the gifts hardly makes amends for the miserable way in which they were made. The noble deed ia shorn of its glory by the disgusting avarice which left a magnificent estate in a muddle to be squabbled over by contending interests and factions. xxx The latest act of public munificence has come in a better shape, Tbe testator has calmly provided, so far as human foresight could do, for the application of his money to the excellent object, which he desired to aid. It. is a rather curious coincidence, however, that there were certain points of resemblance between these two men •who have set the example of be queathing to the people among whom they earned wealth the bulk of their accumulations. Both men were, in their own way, eccentric, and both led rather solitary lives. The late Mr Bawlings, suffering a good deal from ill-health, hue concentrated his mind upon the elaboration of some elixir of life, which should serve as a panacea for all human Ills, and he believer he had found it. .Like the unlucky wighl whosi horse died just when he had demon stated that an immense saving might be effected by only feeding horses once a week the Kawlings medicament is liable to suffe .in popular estimation by the early death o its inventor. Among other eccentricities of the deceased, was his removal from the .place where he had lived in comfort to a

olitary cottage—a step said to have been >rompted by a wish to have the cooking of lis meals under bis own supervision. XXX "The Lapsed Masses and how to reach them " was the subject of the last Presby terial Conference in this city ; but though some ability was displayed io the treatment of the subject, the praotical outcome would seem to be that the lapsed masses are just where they were. True, a serius of revival meetings have been started, but, as the Key. McKenzie Eraser pointed out, the lapsed ones were conspicuous by their ab-ence. Without entering upon a task so far beyond my powers as 'he discussion of the difficult, if not unanswerable, problem propounded, 1 may be allowed to remark that the phrase " the lapsed masses " is a very comprehensive one, embracing as it does not only the irrelipious and profane, but also the careless, the indifferent, and the •' no-go-to-meeting clothes " classes, as well as the intellectual i-ceptics, who form an appreciable element in colonial communities. Of the last-mentioned class, a rather unpalatable home-truth was blurted out by a young probationer iv speakingjto the question at the Conference )a-t weeic. He said that in bis intercourse with the people in Waikato he found the Free thinkers to be as honest, sober, respectable, and respected as tbe church-goers were ; and he pertinently asked —How were such to be treated ? or were they at all entitled to be ranked among the lapsed masses ? "Zamiel" meddles not with theological questions ; he only notes the signs of the times, and "moves on," like poor Jo ; but he wishes to add that a somewhat apt com mentary was provided on the proceedings of the Conference at the first revival meet ing held in St. James's Church this week, While the young probationer already alluded to was giving a Go-pel discourse from the parable of the Prodigal Son (that youth being of course a type of " lapsed" humanity), loud sounds of music and re joicing from the hall adjoining drowned the speakers voice completely. The soutds came from the Salvationists, who had prac tically solved the problem which had baffled the theorists —had found and re claimed the Prodigal, had killed the fatted calf, and were making merry over the restoration of him who had "lapsed," but was now reestablished. xxx I perceive with an amused interest ttiat the pert little journalistic bantling, known as "Le Neo Zelandais," which uses the orthodox "we" with magniloquent unc tion, is seriously displeased that the STAR should have seen fit to qualify aiiy praise it had to bestow upon Professor Cailliau and his Operatic Society. At any rate it makes up for ths deficiency, for even the tonsorial tenor is praised for his singing. StraDge, however, is it not, how circumstances alter cases ? Time was when these undoubtedly talented Frenchmen had the opportuniiy through the ill-starred " Muse" of wielding the lash of musical criticism, and then our devoted amateurs winced under the flagel lation they received. .Everything was damned, professional and amateur alike failing to give any satisfaction, or to escape scatheless. Ie is rather good under these circumstances to find one of the hyper critics in a splenetic humour, because, forsooth, for a performance arranged and conducted by his quondam colleague the "jam" was not laid on so thickly as he would like. Perhaps the following skit upou Italian " puffery" is about the kind of thing my Gallic friend was longing for. If so, he can keep it on hand for the next occasion, substitute any names he pleases, and thank me for the trouble I have taken on his account:—"Teresa Yellerini ap peared as This god-like artiste wasin magnificent voice,aand her seraphic beauty is well-known to the public. Every time she sings her hearers become delirious with celestial ecstacy, and death io any form would be sweet, if, when dying, one could hear her cherubic strains. Ernesto Dodipetto — This stupendous tenor threw his hearers into raptures of ecstacy. His voice is phenomenal, Cyclopean, pyra midal, and absolutely heavenly. He is a genius and a saint. Paolina Howlikclla— This miraculous creature, this transcendent soprano, was at her best. JS otbing like her has ever been heard before on earth. Carlo Grunto—This imperishable basso-profundo fairly ravished the audience with the diviue mellifluence of his magnificent and unsur passable voice. His apostolic organ has been the delight of nations. Angiolina Howller—This celestial contralto is a won der, a miracle, and a dream of Canova endowed with a voice. She can sing all night without getting tired. Ernesto Shreekerlni—This omniscient and omnipo tent creature is a perfect musical phenomenon. In certain roles he has never been equalled out of Heaven. The genius of Italy reposes in his larynx, and he takes the second place to absoluteaivinity." XXX I daresay none of my readers will be startled out of a year's growth by the infor mation that amongst the passengers by a recently arrived vessel was a lady labouring under the peculiar disadvantage of being deaf and dumb. This is not in itself sur prising, but by a strange coincidence there was also a deaf and dumb male passenger on board. The really wonderful part of the affair is that this well-assorted couple managed to become betrothed on the pas sage out. How they accomplished the feat without the aid of the Bweet nothings and endearing nonsense which are indispensable in ancient and modern courting astonishes me, and probably will puzzle my readers. A deaf-and-dnmbpantomlne would be any thing but sentimental and romantic. What con suming passion could there be in a sentence slowly spelt out on a speechless lover's fingers? and what a saving %i the ridicu lous rhapsodies which charm the girl of the nineteenth century, and render her love making days the happiest portion of her existence. Conrting under such circum stances was probably a difficult task, but to what an extent must those lovers have indulged in the delightful squeezes and embraces which arc so useful when tbe fond youth is " too bashful to talk," and the maiden thinks of volunteering the in formation that " treacle's riz." However, they succeeded in their wooing; no matter how it was done. Their natural defects may have interfered with the progress of their " spooning;" but what a relief it will be to that husband in future years when he recognises the fact that be has a life guarantee against a scolding female tongue, while the poor mother may well thank her stars that the squalling of infants will never disturb her equani mity. It is truly an ill-wind that blows nobody good, x x.x Auckland contains a sorrowing maiden, whose trouble is one that only the photo grapher can cure. This fickle fair one has a lover, whose miniature adorns the in terior of a locket, and to whom she is sup

?osed to be as devoted as a maiden possibly :an bo. Within the last few days there aas been another worshipper at the shrine of beauty—one who was unaware of the presence of a second swain. The new admirer came and saw, and with the laud able object of conquering, adopted the suggestive artifice of seuding to his adored one a lucifer match, with the request that sfce would strike it. Doubtless perceiving the metaphor, she placed the match in her locket, wbere it was treasured "ia fond remembrance" for a whole day. Then she took it out and gazed upon it, and, having gazed as only affeciionate maidens can, sought to replace it. But a stern Nemesis overtook her in tbe moment of inconstancy. The locket closed upon the phosphorus head and caused its igoition ; there was a sudden flare-up, the glass was broken, and in a moment the first lover's photograph was black, burnt, and unrecognisable ; and beside it lay the unconaumed stem of what had been the cause of the mischief -a sug gestive reminder in itself of the success with which it had carried out the bashful lover's wishes, and asserted his right to the place in her locket, if not in her heart.

There are many people who have become such hardened sinners that they can do nothing wrong unless they are "caught." This may account for the circumstance that another interesting Aucklander very re cently took unto himself a second wife while the former partner of his joys and troubles was alive and well in Sydney. Having obtained an appointment on a vessel in harbour, he and his innocent victim took up their residence on board, and all went well tor a short time. But the almost inevitable appearance on the scene of the first wife, which took place a few days since, rather upset the couple. Home high words were exchanged, but gradually the trio became cool, anil after much consideration and great deliberation, it was mutually agreed that the man's Sydney wife should take her departure by the next steamer for Australia, in con sideration of a handsome present in hard ;ash, leaving her unfaithful husband and lis unfortunate lady-love to remain in pos session of their mutual esteem, which apparently was not seriously disturbed by the little episode already alluded to. Thus the world goes round, xxx Some folks say that figures won't lie, while other people tell us that you can make figures prove anything, but it there is one set of figures above another which people generally are prepared to swear by, it is those of a Registrar-General. In looking through a budget of that worthy's returns for this colony, however, 1 find the total value of the land, buildings, plant, and machinery of the five coal mines in Auck land set down at £20,660, while that of the six coal mines in Canterbury is estimated at £87,845. And yet Auckland mines have engine power equal to 233 horses, and Canterbury only engine power representing 42 horses ; and for the year the production of coal from Auckland mines is stated to be 94,177 tons, and of the Canterbury mines only 18,212 tons. The deduction from these figures seems to be either that coal-mining in Auckland is very economically managed and an uncommonly good investment, or the Canterbury mines are a monstrous swindle ; or else—but perish the thought 1 — that a Kegistrar's-General's statistics can lie as bad a9 a horse-thief. I leave tbe initiated to say which explanation is the right one. x x.x What is a gentleman ? This is a conun drum often asked, but never answered. Tbat is, never answered satisfactorily. It deserves to rank, for tbe number of guesses at its solution which have beeu attempted, with such posers as '.' Who wrote the letters of Junius?" "What were the pyramids built for ?" and " Who was the man in the iron mask ? " Hvery one may have his own private opinion about these thiugs, ju>t as every one considers himself quite competent to define a "gentleman" with correctness and decision. The yokel thought if a man kept a gig he was a gentleman. This was theourreutdefinitionforalengthenedperiod, counting its adherents by the thousand. It will be remembered that Sir Philip Fiancis was for many years credited with Junius's trenchant epistles. But that belief is now shaken to its foundations, and the man in the gig has in like manner almost driven out of sight, on this side of the world, the remittance man, with his periodic supplies from home, his gaseous discourse, 9trange oaths, stranger stories, his cigars, his boots with cloth top?, his watch-chain, breast pin, and " diamond " ring, his guzzlings, his t'tagijerings, his confirmed idleness —this personage, I say, has at times been mistaken for a'• gentleman." He has fondly believed himself one, aod when he bas been forced through stress of weather and caddish duns to file his schedule, he has described himself by that much ill used title. If said remittance man is " well born," and can point, however menda ciously, to a relative with a title or a big estate in the Old Country, the gentlemanly aroma has clung persistently about his person, despite shabby clothes, inflamed nose, loafing habits, and a pro tracted spell of bad luck. With all his faults, with all his misfortunes, there are not wanting those who will still dub him "gentleman." There is another reply to the riddle at the_ head ot this " shot" worth notice, because it originates with no less a dignitary than the Bishop. From a remark of his in a recent sermon it would appear that if you want to feast your eyes on that rara avis, a " gentleman," you must pick out a man who has baen successively at the " most famous public school, the most famous college in the most famous university in Great Britain." lam not going to spoil the fun by giving the names of this school, college, and univer sity ; standing as they do now undescribed, every one is at liberty to fill in tbe details and please himself. I thus leave, in tbe Bishop's good company, a variety of choice : Kugby, Eton, Harrow, Winchester, Westminster, among public schools; Cam bridge, Oxford, Dublin, Edinburgh, St. Andrew's, among universities; and heaven knows how many colleges in these and other universities. But with all this variety, the field is somewhat limited if you come to think of it; and if "gentle men " are raised nowhere else, and if ail the boys and students turned out gentle men ("which they don't," as Mrs Gamp would say), the world would be in bad case, and we Colonials should not often get a sight of the desire of our eyes, "a gentle man." XXX When honour exists smong thieves, it is a small matter to look for honesty among gamblers; and yet contemporary records prce that the honour and honesty among the classes named are frequently very incon siderable quantities. One little Auckland

instance of gamblers'.ethics will illustrate my meaning. The other night, in one oi our suburban hotels, a "gentleman" wearing Her Majesty's uniform was re minded by a friend of a small " debt of honour " contracted recently. The sporting volunteer, however, fla'ly repudiated the liability, and when a second claimant ap pioachert him with «. similar reminder, the gallant member of the de'ence forces agatn denied the debt. A short and sharp three cornered discussion en«ned, which was terminated by the valiant eoldier bdng kicked out of the bick door- the outraged creditorsbeingrewarded by thespectacle of a scion of colonial aristocracy sprawling in the mud. Mow, "Zamiel" never bets—at least hardly ever ; but he cannot help ad miring the way in which the unwritten law is enforced by the gambling fraternity against those who evade their just debts. When one considers the commercial rascality which is rampant, and the small chance of a creditor getting anything out of a bankrupt's estate, he caanot but wish that the commercial world was ruled by gamblers' ethics. The Chinese law allows the creditors of a baukrupt to drown him ; we Colonials would deem ourselves happy if we only had the privilege of giving him a hearty British kick !

SELECTED POETRY.

THE HERMITAGE.

Twas in the spring-time of the year. When roses bloom in country lanea, When 'mong the heather linnets cheer. With genial, soul-enlivening strains. From one of England's Northern towns, Where toilers strive fiom age to age, I travelled o'er the oreezy downs, To Bee the slumbrous Hermitage I left old Sheffield's smoky streets, The crowded town between the hills. The deafeniug noise, the iron beats. For calmer scenes and sunny rills. The sweet flowers smiled in vernal pride, Like pictures fair in memory's page. And daisies at irred tho wood's green Bido, Towards the shadowy Hermitage. I saw amid a crown of trees, The nestling house whore Bertram dwelt, A sad reclu-e whom few could please, And fewer knew the ills he felt. No fancy of the poet's mind, No thought of philosophic sage. E'er warned his heart towards his kind. Or graced his home—the Hermitage. A shadow rested on his soul. Which held his better self in thrall," Unmoved by Reason's mild control— The lost one's figure, proud and tall. Once Bertram dreamed of marriage bells; A. bride, a home, and equippage. Tradition still the story tells Of Laura and the Hermitage. From out the past a mystic light Still glimmers in the beechen grove, Where Bertram took a strange delight In brooding o'er his misplaced love. Cold disappointment crossed his views— A chilling, questioning presage, And darkened with his spirit's hues The beauties of the Hermitage. No gentle friend, 'tween hopea and fears, Watched his poor life's expiring lease, To fan the waning fire of years. And cheer with words of love and peace. Of earth's divinest joys bereft, Old Bertram reached life's latest stage. He died without a will, and left The crumbling, time-wrecked Hermitage. The daws wore noisy round tho tower, The rooks cawed late and early o'er, The bees hummed in each silent flower. To gather in their winter's store. Bnt neither hand nor heart were there, To cultivate, to plan, toguage. To clear the land and render fair That lonely nook—the Hermitage. Two kinsmen claimed the priced estate. And strove with angry feelings rife, And darkly breathed perpetual hate Which marred their usefulness In life. Friends said, " Divide, and then tia dono;" Sut their advice could not assuage Their thirst for wealth—'twas " all or none;" And thus they lost the Hermitage. I turned through fields of dusky brown. And, listening, heard the distant chimes. And reached once more the olden town. Where Klliott sang his corn-law rhymes. I thought on Bertram's dark distress, His hopeless love, hia fruitless age, His forty years of idleness, And solitary Hermitage. JonN Blackman.

PEACE WARRIORS.

Not alono in war Are Valour's laurels won ; Nobler deeds by far By peaceful men are done. Men averse to strife, Humble znen and bravo; Freely peril life Fellow-men to savo. Where the tempest raves Kager to destroy, Where the giant wave 3 Toss their crests on high, On tho surf-beat strand Watching patiently, Stands a gulldnt hand, Heroes of the sea. Thro* tho wild dark night. Thro' tho tempest's gloom, Breaks a flash of light, Comes a sullen boom : They who ne'er fail When there's work to do; Other men may quail— Not the Life-boat Crew. Hark I yon clanging bell; See! the lurfti glare Glowing like a Hell— Who will venture there 1 Don your coats of hido Men who savo and aid. Quell tho Fire King's pride, Valiant Fire Brigade. On tho battle plain Peaceful men are found. Where the maimed and slain Strew tho crimson ground. Tho' no arms they yield See their banner spread; On a snow-white flold Gleams the cross of red. Glory is a name Often traced in blood ; No'leris the fame Won by doing good Dearer far are those In His sight above, Men who light no foes, Men whose creed is love. Thomas Sharps,

WHEN YOU ARE NEAR.

When you are near I feel the hot blood mount Into my cheek; I move as one upon whose life a BpeU Most powerful has fallen, and I speak With word-cloggoa tongue -but why I cannot tell. And when your eyes Glance into mine, a strange electrio thrill Runs through each vein. I bow my head and stand A BOnl-bound captive, sobject to your will. Held fast with silken cords to fairy land. And when your hand, Fair and fashioned so slenderly, rests within mine own. I know not if tho world is dark or bright; Tho sun may shine, or winter winds may moan— The outer world is blotted from my sight. I can but see The rare, sweet beauty of your dark brown eyes. Tho well-poised head, tho dainty, red ripe lips. Tho wealth of brown, silkon tresses, blown careless wise. What wonder 1£ all olse ia in eclipse?

A Monkey and Dog Time.

MOORE had a big fighting stump-tail bull dog by the name of Rattler, and one day a little Italian came aloDg with an organ and a ruonkey, and as the crowd gathered around, he ask tiie man if his monkey could finht. "Oh, yes; be fight," said the Italian. " Will he fignt a dog ?" eaid Moore "Oh, yes, he fight dog -he whip dog quick," eaid the Italian. Moore pulled out a five dollar bill, and said, '• I'll bet you this that I've got a dog he can't whip." The little iellow covered it with another five, and the money was handed over to a stakeholder, and they went through to the back yard, followed by half the folks in the little town. There lay the dog on the grass asleep, and as the word the Italian tossed the monkey upon him. In lews than a jitfey the little brute had his teeth and his claws fastened like a vise in the stump of that dog's tail and was screeching like a hyena. Ihe dog gave but one astonished look behind as he bounced to his feet and made tracks for another country. The monkey held on until Kattler sprang over a ten-rail fence at the back or the garden, when he suddenly quit his hold and sat on the top rail and watched the dog's flight with a chatter of perfect satisfaction and danced along the rail with del'ght. The crowd wjs convulsed. They laughed aud roared atd hollered tumultuoufly, all but old man Moore, whose Voice could be heard above all others as he stood upon the fence and shonted: "Here, Kattler: here, here! Here, Kat> tier, here 1 Here, Hattler, here 1" But Kattler wouldn't hear. Kattler rattled on and on, across field after field until he got to the woods, and was gone from human sight. The little Italian shouldered his monkey affectionately, and walking up to Moore, said : " Your doe; not well to-day : may be yonr dog gone off to hunt rabb«et. Your dog no like my monkey—he not acquaint. May bi yen I come bick again next year he come back and light some more. Yen jou look for him to come back|?" Moore gave up the wnger, but he asserted solemnly thnt Kattler would have whipped the light if he hadn't have run. "The surprise, gentle men,the surprise was what done it," said he, "for that dog has whipped wild cats and a bear and a she wolf and every dog in ten miles of Watkinsville." And all that even ing and away in the night and early next morning, an inviting mournful voice could be heard at the back of the garden calling " Rattler, here ! Kattler here !" and three days aftei a man brought Kattler home, but he had lost his integrity, and never could be induced to fight anything more.

A Parrot Testifies in Court.

RECENTLY, in New York, Jacob Brach was arrested at tne instance of «obert Strauss, of Brooklyn, for stealing a parrot valued at §250. The case came before Justice Kiehl. It was agreed that the bird should be placed on the witness-stand and testify as to ■which party it belonged, the Court holding that there were no rules of evidence preventing it. There was a large crowl in the room, and the novel proceedings caused much amusement. The parret, which i* of the great macaw species, is a beautiful bird, with green, blue, and orange plumage, its wings being almost black. It was taken out of its cage and placed on tho iron rail ing in front of the Judge. " Wie gents ?" asked Justice Kiehl of the witness in Ger man. The bird made no reply but looked solemn. The Judge then tried English, and asked : " What is your name ?" " Cheese it, you grey-headed old spal peen 1" shouted the parrot in reply. The Judge grew red in tbe face and the specta tors laughed. "You impudent thing. It you address me in tbat mannrr I will fine you for con tempt," said the Court. " Oh, give us a rest, will you 1" piped the bird, tine of the attorneys gave the parrot a pretzel, which it ate witn great relish, and when it was again asked for its name, it re plied : "Polly Strauss, Polly Branch, O I" finishing the sentence wirh a tremendous oath, which greatly shocked the Court and lawyers, fc'ome one in tbe rear end ot the room shouted : " Does Polly want a drink?" Thereupon Polly flapped her wings and flew out of the Court room. The case was continued owing to the absence of the wit ness.

Capture of a Burglar.

a Philadelphia Irishwoman was waked by a great noise the other night. "My little gur'l was sitting up nnd tremblin' and starin' hard at sometbij a the dark," she says. "I followed tl;i .: mrse of her eyes, and, Heaven betune us and evil, what do you think I saw ? A big man jmt creeping under my bed. Did 1 boiler 1 Oh, no, I qnietly took hold of the blanket, never sayin' a word, and my husband still snerin', and I waited, scarcely breathin', till the man got Dear enough to me, when I whipped the blanket over his head and held him there as nice as you please. Ah, ha, my bye, says I, I have you now in a net. Wid that he set up such a squirmin, and strugglin', and I thought he would escape me. He's a good six feet, and broad accordin1, and he was like a whale in a herring net.. But 1 held him in the blanket with his head to the floor, till my husband, wakened by the schrarain' of my childer, jumped out of bed to help me. I gave my husband the blanket then, and, snatchin' up my youngest buby, I ran to the windy and cried for help. The man and my husband had it together. The man managed to get his head out of the blanket and bolted foi the dure, and my husband after him. The thief slipped on tbe step and tumbled all the way to the bottom. I saw an officer on the street. I called out to him, and iie came in and arrested the thief." Snath was sent to the penitentiary tor two years.

The Secret of Beauty.

WHAT is the secret of beauty ? To be beauti ful inperson oue must be born so, and then preserve this inherited beauty by pre serving the health. Conform to all its laws in eating, sleeping, bathing, working, and violate none of them. Go to no ex cesses of any kind. But, if you de»ire to be more beautiful than this, then the mind, the heart, the disposition must be cultivated in a reasonable way. .The will must be trained to concentrate tne mind, and the emotions disciplined. Kind im pulses must be cherished, good deeds per formed. All cannot be beautifnl in form, and feature, but all can, if they try hard, be beautiful ia life and character.