SCIENTIFIC NOTES.

The Volta prize of £1,200 will be awarded by the Academy of Sciences, Paris, .in December, ISS7, under the decree of June 11, ISS2, for the discovery or invention of whatever shall render electricity applicable economically toone of the following objects : Heat, light, chemical action, mechanical fores?, tho transmission of messages, or the treatment of sick persons.

A man who weighs 150 pounds on the earth, if transported to 3 upiter, would shake tho ground with a ponderous tread of 45,000 pounds, or 22<, tons. A nut falling from a bough would crash through him like a Minie-ball. Water woidd weigh liftcen times as much as quicksilver. A moderate wave would shiver to atoms the strongest ironclad.

A non-conductor of electricity has yet t° be found, for all substances hitherto dis covered are conductors of the force under Certain known conditions, but those which oiler a great resistance to it servo the pur pose of non-conductors in practice, although they may all be either classed as good or bad conductors. The best conductor known as yet is silver. Tho worst conduc tor is paraffine.

A gentleman in Manchester claims to have succeeded in applying orange peel to a very useful purpose. Orange peel dried in or on an oven until all the moisture has been expelled becomes readily inflammable, and serves admirably for lighting fires or for re suscitating them when they have nearly gone out. Thoroughly dried orange peol will keep for along time, and might be col lected when the fruit is in season and stored for winter use.

An interesting discovery has been made in Paraguay of a tribe of Indians with tails. An Argentine domiciled in the Argentine Missions has a yerba establishment in the Paraguayan Missions, in a district called Tacura Tuyu. While collecting the yerba in the yerba woods, his mules were attacked by some Guayacuyos Indians, who fled after killing several mules. The muleteers pur sued, firing on the Indians, one of whom, a l)oy about eight years old, was captured. This boy was brought to Posedas, where Xkm Francesco Golcochoa, the Argentine referred to, lives, and excited much curiosity, owing to his having a tail six to eight inches long. The boy, who has been photographed by sonic Germans, is, it is stated, very ugly ; but his body is not covered with hair. A brother of tho boy, at present in the pos session of Colonel Rudeciudo Roca, has also a tail ; and all the tribe are said to bo similarly adorned.

A French paper gives an account of some " curious" experiments which Signor Canestrini has been making on insects. Ho has cut off the heads of a number of flics, ants, grasshoppers, and butterflies, and he lias observe:! that decapitated insects retain their sensibility for a very long time. Flies seem to regard the operation as the most natural thing in the world. They calmly rubbed their bodies with thoir legs, and generally behaved a3 if nothing unusual had happened. Butterflies continued to fly for eighteen days after they had lost their heads, and grass hoppers had still a kick in them thirteen days after being similarly ill-treated. Scalo pondriED showed contractile movements both in the trunk and in the head eight days after tho severance had been effected. Cruel experiments of this sort aro generally defended on tho ground that they are, or may be, of service to humanity'; but one quite fails to see.tho raison d'etre- of X'rG fessor Canastrini's operations. The effect of decapitation on the human subject is well known ; and the professor may go on decapitating insects till doomsday without contributing "anything towards modifying its unpleasant consequences.

Genesis of a New World.

On a beautiful summer's night, August 22, 1794, Jerome and Lefrancais do Lalaudc noticed a star in Aquarius, which they estimated of the 71 magnitude. Six yoars later thoy thought of the S magnitnde. In appearance it resembles a star which is not exactly in the focus of the telescope. Her schel had observed it in September, 1782, and recorded it as an admirable planetary nebula, very brilliant, small, and elliptical. Loid Cosso and Laselle perceived that it was surrounded by a ring, which gives it Blmewhat the appearance of Saturn. Tho spectrosccpic observation of Huggins indi cate that it is a gaseous mass in which nitrogen and hydrogen predominate. Most of the other planetary and annual nebuliu give similar results. In 1871 and 1572, Brunnow, the Irish Astro nomer Royal, measured its parallax and concluded that its distance is more than 404,000 times as great as that of the sun, and its diameter is probably greater than that of the entire solar system. This ■would make its volume more than 335,89G,500,000,000 times as groat as that of tho earth. Wo have thus before our eyes a new system, which is probably under going tho process of condensation through ■which our sun and its attendant planets passed hundreds of millions of years ago.— *'L'Astrononrie."

The Properties of the Figure Nine.

(To the Editor). Sin,—l send you tho solutions of the two questions on this subject which appeared in your Sui'l'Lkmknt of September Sth. Ist. The first (correcting a trifling inaccuracy in the statement) is as follows:—" If the sum of the digits of any number bo subtracted from that number, the remainder will bo exactly divisible by 9." Write a number, which v.'o may supposo to consist of three digits, in the manner I pointed out in my former letter, we get lOOtu+lO.r+l/ subtracting w+ x+y wo get 90i«+ 9n •which, of course, is oxactly divisiblo by 9. Further, this remainder being a multiplo of 9, the sum of its digits (as I showed in my last letter) must be either 9 or a multiple of 9 which explains tho rest of the question. 2nd. Tho second problem, upon investiga tion, resolves itself into the following simple proposition:- the truth of which, I think, fow will deny. For let a and b bo the two numbers, each consisting of two digits, and let a bo the greater. Following the steps indicated, wo get g9 _ 6 add tho greater 90+ a-& Hero yro have 99 + tho difference of the two numbers. Now erase left-hand digit which from the nature of the question, must be 1; or, in other words, subtract 100, wo have 9a _ l oo+a-& add 1 99+1-100+«-b or the difference botwecn tho numbers. I need not trouble to send you solutions of tho questions which appeared in your last issue? a* ono of them is identically tho same m the first of the above, while tho truth of the other is at onceapparcnt upon applying the same, nothod of «*&W% in this and my former letter.-I am, Stc, TonuNGA. To Awamutu.

The Moon In Danger—To the Rescue.

(To the Editor.) Sir, —I see by the Stak Supplement of September Bth that a warlike spirit per vades the " Ghost of Copernicus." I was never afraid of a ghost in my life, and am not now going to bo frightened by the shadow of one. This spirit who threatens to pound " Torpedo," will find that "Torpedo," with his plain truths, will soon damage, pull down, and scatter to the winds all tho structures of gilded sophistry that are built up by tho " Ghost of Coper nicus."

It was the presumptive tone which drew " Torpedo's " attention when the "Ghost" came forward as the teacher of teachers, •'infallibleinseientiflclaw,"ond told visit was a very simple and easy matter to account for the moon not turning its different sides to the earth (although no scientist before could explain the reason why). Tho " Ghost's" explanation wasthat themoonhas a heavy sido, and this is attracted to the earth by the same law as the apple is t<j the ground when it falls from tho tree, and this the " Ghost " liretends, " with many funny expressions that are not in harmony with gravity," fully explains this strange phe nomena.

In treating upon the sciences, which is simply treating upon the laws that govern the universe, it is not desirable that we should furthor mystify by expressions that are not in harmony with those laws ; thuro is nothing funny in the laws of Nature, but that which is very wonderful, and much that is strange. Everyone enjoys fun, and funny expressions ; but there is a place for everything, and everything should be in its place, particularly so when treating upon science. Why do we study the sciences ? It is to try and unravel that which has been wrapped in mystery ; and so, in becoming acquainted with tho laws that govern tho universe, we become in mind more like tho Great Builder Himself. And if we discuss on any of the sciences for tho sako of get ting at the truth, and wo find that in dis cussing wo have mado a serious error, we should not try and wriggle out of the mistake made by twisting words or put ting others in to suit ourselves, and so alter tho first meaning, but for the love of truth admit the error; and cer tainly a very serious ono the "Ghost" fell into when he talked of the moon having a hoary side in- connection with gravity. There can bo no heavy fide from gravity— all the sides being of equal weight—and if tho " Ghost" falls into such grave mistakes he will soon get buried up and lost from the scientific world. The " Ghost,"' in telling us it is the same law that attracts the apple and also keops the moon -in space with tho one side continually turned totheoarth.is simply giving his opinion; there is no proof deduced ; so how can he attempt to call it an explanation of this strange phenomenon? This explanation willnot stand the light of reason. When we use a par allel to illustrate any law or teaching, it should be in harmony with that we wish to illustrate; and if tho apple fulling to the earth is used as an illustration of the earth's power over the moon, I think wo then ought to explain how it is that the moon, for those many thousands of years is still held off from tho earth in an orbit of tho same distance, and without coining nearer, and eventually falling upon tho earth as the apple did, and which was brought down by the law of affinity, or, in other words, " chemical attraction," and by this and no other law can the falling of the apple be accounted for. Who can provo that chemical attraction and gravi tion are not, in part, ono and the same thing? and tho jocular remarks of the "Ghost" upon this matter do not prove anything to the oontrary ; and this jocular style is a weapon that is often used by tho weak in argument to wriggle out of some falso position thoy have taken. In reference to a problem tho " Ghost " would like to see solved re "Tho Orbits of Planets," I refer him to "Mystery," which will shortly be bofore the public, and remain still and al ways will " not smoke," but yours, &c,, Torpedo. [We think there is too much being made of a question which, if not a mere matter of moonshine, certainly tends to disturb " gravity " and perhaps induce lunacy ; and wo therefore hope thin is the last word on the subject. To tUo "Ghost" wo urgo the prayer—" Rest, rest, perturbed spirit," and wo trust tho " Torpedo" will not blow us up.—Ed. Star.]

Our Future Empire.

Tin; following .smart .skit upon tlio colonial policy of Mr Gladstone's Government is taken from <sho paper " Moonshine : —Scene —Board school Examination, ISSS. Sixth Standard. —Examiner : Political geography is the first subject. Of -what does the British Empire consist —its area and popula tion? Ist Boy :It consists of England' Scotland, and Wales. Area, 87,000 square miles. Population, 30,000,000. Examiner: And two yoars ago? Ist boy :In ISS3 it covored a fifth of tho habitable globe, and cad a population of more than 300,005,000. Examiner : How do we account for this remarkable decrease ? 2nd Boy : By the advent of a Radical Government which not only preaehod alienation but practised it. Examiner : Explain this fully. 2nd Boy : Thoir marked neglect of our dependencies and their sheer inability to comprehend colonial ideas gradually wrought the mis chief. Examiner: Namo the iirst secession. 3rd Boy : Canada. Wo sent) her a governor whoso sole pretension to rule rested on the fact that ho owned largo Irish estates. Ex aminer : What elso ? 3rd Boy :He had seceded from the Cabinet,- was a Whig peer, and had to bo conciliated. Fxaminer : Tho next loss was 4th Boy : The Capo Colony, which had for three years been tutored and coerced. War succeeded war with unflinching regularity. Conventions and slaughter wore followed by slaughter and conventions, until, tired of tho mono tony, the colonists took tho administration into thoir own hands. Examiner : Then followed - sth Boy : Australia and Now Zealand, who woro mutually disgusted, with tho New Guinea snub. Examiner : What next occurred 1 6th Boy : India throw off her yoke. The Ilbert Bill, approved of by the Homo Government, enabled tho native judges, who were all patriots, to issue warrants for tho arrest of all tho English generals and civil administrators. Examiner : And is India now^free ? 6th Boy : No, sho has beoome a Kussian appanage. Examiner : And our last loss ? 7th Boy :We had no further loss. Examiner: What about Ireland ? /tlißoy : Oh, I don't call that a loss. Ex aminer (to mastor): Sharpest lad in tho school. Give him tho first pri/.0. The en ure examination is most satisfactory

A traveller on tho Continont visiting a eclobratad cathedral, was shown by the sacristan, among other marvels, a dirty opaque phial. Alter eyeing it some time, tho traveller said, "Bo you call this a ti" <•■*•" eaid the sacristan, indig nantly, it contains somo of tho darkness that was spread over the land of Egypt."

A NAUGHTY GIRL'S DIARY.

—(:-:)

By the Author o/ liA Bad Boy's Diary."

She Interviews a Buzz-Saw.

I was retched. I could not stand it another minit. I went right over to Mrs McCurdys an told her all about how i wanted to see the inside of her gote to sco Charlie's shoes ; that wo did not mean to kill the goto, only to eliminate it with fosforus ; how dredful sorry I was that Patrick and Jim found the bread ; I cride like anything when i saw them in their litle trundle bed so pale an sick, an I coksed an coksed her not to do anything to my inosent papa; so when I took my shatelano watch oil' an gavo it to poor little Patrick, sho tol me the doctor said the worst was over—they would not die—if my father would pay for the donkey and the Ijilly-gote, settle the doctor's bill, , an make the childer a present of a cart that the new donkey could draw them about, she would go on furder in the matter. I think Mrs McCurdy is a very nice person, an i notiscd our famly were quite hungry at dinner after i had told them the children would get well. I dare say they think Dolly is a good girl to-day. One think i am ro solfed—not to medal with rat poison, no never, not if she gots 2 new gotes an they eat up all the tomato cans in our alley. I am geting Maggie to write this in my dairy. I don't no how Maggiu spols, but I hope it is all write, because my fingers on my write hand ar pinched so I cimot right myself or I would rite this. O, they hurt awfull, a good deal worser than a broken arm. Maggie's mother is glad of it; she says it is ezacly what that young ono dus servea for being alwas in the place whore she don't belong. Sho has a biter spito agenst me. lam sure it was not her buzz saw (o Dolly never mind my mother, wot shall I rito next?) Yesterday at brekfaa papa tol Fred he wanted him to take the horse and bugy and drive out to sco a man about ate milos ode him a 100 dolars, to bo sure and eolleckt it or he wood sew him ; he needed the muny now or never, for ho was going to begin our new barn what those children burned up the other las July, an' he needed all ho could raze. Then Fred must go to the saw-mill at Smith's pond an' toll them to hurry up with ihat lumber was to have bin here last week. So I sod, kwick :

" O, Fred, pluse let me go with you, you will, won't you ?"

He said no at first, then he membered Miss Garner was going to town that day, wich made him frowm an' bite his lips, then he said :

"Well, get your hat, Dolly, your com pany is butter than nun."

You bet I flue for my hat—Maggie don't put in I bet in my dairy, it is not proppor —an' ruslit over to Charlie's barn where we keen our bugy sinso tho lire, an' climed in so as to be reddy when the horse was hitched. There was their man to hitch him, an' he said :

" Bo quiet, little girl, he is a skittish animal."

But there was a big fly saling around him was going to lite on his ear, so I flipped him of with the whip, an' he jus stood on his hind legs an' danced till the bugy went smash into tho baroosh an' broke a spoke it was Charlie's father's baroosh. Fred was sorry about the spoke, but ho was glad his little sister flue into tho hamow ; wlien she due out so she was not hurted ono bit.

After we had mended tho harnis we got safely oft. My brother said ho had a mind to levo me at home, wich made uio cry, so ho said :

" Well, you young nusanse, come along ; but I wish you wil inshured before we go any further." He said: "I am going to take out an aksident polisy on you by the year, little girl ; I will tend to it to-morro."

It was a cool, pleasant day only the wind blue so a good many appels blue of tho trees, an' I lost my hat !) times. Fred thretund me it he blue offagen he wood knot stop, so then I held it on with both bans, cause 1 of tho strings was lost. It was very tejus to hoi my baton, cause I wanted to eat appels, an' I had to sit on Gladys Gladiolas skirts to kepe her in the bugy. She is my nuest child, an' I brot her long to she her the country, as she is a citty bred child, very stilish, an' dua not no a appel tree from a hikry nut tree, nor a cow from alum. But she is a handsum doll. Alas, I mono to say she was a hansom doll—what our tocher calls the past tense. There is not mutch left of her manguld remanes at present. The man that ode the 100 dollars lot me have a drink out the diper of tho well, but he wood not give my brother the money ; he sod crops was lite, anono his horses died and his cows had plural ammonia, and tho dogs had killed his sheep, an hia mutherin law was sick in bed so ho had to kepo a hired girl, an he had tho agu, an his wife hud twins, an «nc of his barracks full of nu moan hay had burnt up, o a lot of stuff why ho cood not pay ; so Fred said : "All rite, ile place it in our lawyers hans, Mister grumble, good-day." Then the man hollerrd '' Hold on a minit, muggins ; ile see what my mutherinlaw says —if she will lend it to me."

Fred held on an the man carno out with the 100 dolars all in gold—he said it was his poor wifea butter mony ; but ray brother tol mo confydenshal he nu the man was proparoicat ing all the time. After that we soon reched the sair mill, my goodness, what a clatter an hubub ! I eood hardly hep.r myself think. Fred eood hardly manidge our horse, the noys seemed to make him wild. Fred tide him to a post, an patted him an gave him 1 my appols, an told me and my child to get rite out the bugy. " I don no -what to do vrith you, Dolly. I want to go in tho mill a minit. I dDnt want you to go in, nor I dont want you to remano in the bugy—jus sit there on those logs an eat appels a little while liko a good girl."

I sat on the logs, an' ato 1 appol to tho ' core. The mill made an awful funny noys. : I wanted to see how it went, an' I wanted to no what made it go like that, an11 wanted to know what kep my brother so long, so I took Gladys Gladiola in my arms—my, but she's a hevy child ! —an' peped in the door. ! Prity soon I venchureclin. Fred an' a man wir in a small room in a corner j thoy did notis me. I saw no one saw; tho logs seemed to saw theirsulfs. A mill is a frite ful place. At the same it is fassinating. Something made a hissing noys like a mad gander. Icrcpuptolook; itwasasirkular6aw going rite thru a big log. It wont so csv it did not sem like it was at all bizzy. I thot I wood tuch it litely. Tho nex minnit a pearcing screem rang hi over the clatter of tho mill. Fred an' tho owner rushed out of the offis. They saw a child's blew skirts an' long golden hair ; they saw the body sawed rito into an' drop down in 2 peaces. " Great heaven, Dolly is in tho masheenery !" cride my poor brother, an' he fanted ded away an1 fell down in the sawdust, an' dirtied his new fall suit. Fred is so partickulcr about his close, it was too bad. The wurkman who was eting his dinner in a tin pail, run an' stoped the masheenery. It was too late—all was over ! The oner cot me by the sholder an' gerkod me back gust in time, for the front of my

dress was torn out, an' my fingers—for a moment they wero numb with aggony. If it hurted me so friteful jus to havo my nails squeezed, how must it have hurted poor, poor Gladys to be sawed clear in two like she was ? I tremble yet when I think of it. It was her blue dross my brother saw —it was jus like mino, so fokes would take us for twins.

It seemed like the miller wood rather it wood bo Dolly was sawed in 2, ho was so mad when he found out it was my doll, but he rapped my hand up in a wet handker chief, an' then ho went in the offis an' got a black botle an' pored somthing in Fred's mouth, so he gasped an ~sat up, vary, vary pale. " I wooden go off the handlo like that for a little medalsum fool of a notty girl," said tho miller, grufly. "Be a man ! Your sister is all rite ; it was her confounded doll that you saw sawed. Sit up ! Your litle sister has cot her fingors pinched—serves her rite for medaling." Then my brother's face got red agano ; he looked at me where I was sobing an holding up my aking hand. "Dolly," said he, " I am glad you are not killed, because you aro not insured yot; I shall tend to it to-morrow, an' then yon may go kill yourself as soon as you plese. You are too notty to live, an' I only wonder you have lived so long." Just bocause I wanted to know if a buzz saw went as fast as it mado a noys. How are childrun ever to lurn if they do not in tervu things for theirsolfe ? It is very hard on me an' Charlie an' Maggie that school begins jus as our stablo begins to bo bilt. We would like to bo on tho spot all the time. It is such fun. They are going to raiso the framo tomoro. My fingers [are almos well. lam much obliged to Maggie for writing in what she calls my dairy for me when thoy wero rapped up, but Ido not think much of her spelling. She ot to study harder when she goes to school, but her mind is on hor play. Her mother is mad at me agen. Maggie, is mad too; but she will havo to get over it, for she wants to be on hand while the now barn is bilding. She was over to our house yesterday. AYe wore in Mary's room trying on her frizses and bangles, an' back-coined, an' putting powder on our faces, cause she was spending the afternoon out. We got talking bout our hair. Maggie's hair is not nice. Sho said she wished hers was like mine, then I teld her to burn the ends off every month in tho new of tho moon an' it wouldgrowlikeennythiug; my raamaalways did mine so ; then I happened to think it waa new moon now, so sho said she would do it then.

I caushuned her to hold her braid very tight at tho ond an'jus' singe off' about an inch. I gave her a match an' she went to burn it jus' as I said, only it blazed sort of quick an burnt her fingers; so she let go when she ought to have hold on, an' her whole hair got on (ire. I had to turn Mary's wash-bowl over hor head, but eho has a blister on her neck, and her hair looks porfockly ridikulus. Her mother declares she shal never, never come over hero agon ; but that makes her cry because we have lots of fun. lam sure she was to blame for letting go her own hair. AVhy should her mother be mad at nio ? Granma says that her mother is a very folt-finding woman— that Maggio's hair will be luvly by crismas, it will probably curl when it grows out. Granma is the only true frond little dolly has. she gave me half a $to buy myself a hair ribbon ; but she was rather sorry she did it this afternoon jus' becaus' when Mary wa-s tezing young Mister Basyl to stay to tea an' see Kred, i joged his elbow an' said : " I guess you botor not stay, cook is cross as fury an' she says there's company enouf in this house to wear out 2 cook*—she won't make hot biskita tonito she does not care who hangs round till tea time," then he de cided he would not reniane—l dare say it was becauso ho was dL-sapointed 'bout the bisklts. Mary boxed my ears as soon ho was out of hearing, she said she folt as if eho could go thro' a notholo in tho. floor, but sho didn't.

Today school begins an tho frame of tho now barn is to be razed. I havo beged an pled, but my parens say I must go to school; they do not want mo round getting into mischif. I havo gone to granma, an she has let mo liido in her room. I can see what is going on from her window. She says I may sit there an look on, but I mug never tell sho lot mo. She will bring mo some dmnor in her pocket, an I may have the crockers in hor little cubbard. I must tit still while she is down eting her dinner, bo they •will not hear lam home. I think | I will eto tho crackers now, an while sho is gono I will jus slip down tho back stairs an run out an take one peep—i sec eharllo has come home at noon to bo on hand. Dear me, it is too bad they did not get the frame up to-day. Charlie an I tried to holp whilo the men v/cr gono home to their dinner. They were in such a hurry they left part tho beams sawed oft', so we got the saws an' sawed, off all the litlc thin peaces thoy left on the end. Then wo hid up in a nanple trco to hear how glad they would be they wero helped so much. They wero not glad one bit. Man sworo awful. He called my father, an' ho said some very bad words too. Then ho epide us in the tree an' told us to como down. He was palo with rath.

'' You hove ruined the wholo job, you little retches. We can't put the frame up, for you have sawed off the joints. We'll havo to get a lot of new timbers 'fore wo can go on. Charlio, you littlo imp, I'll thra-sh you within an inch of your life. Yonr father shall pay for thoso now beeins. Dolly, lam going to whip you so you will stay whiped. Go to your room an' stay there till I come. Oh, this is too bad !" He rung hia hand an' groned liko ha was very sick.

The Heathen Chinee is Peculiar.

A San Francisco professor lost the Oriental bit of script given him by a Chinese laundry man, and was without it when he went for his shirts. Tho Chinaman said :

" Gimmeo Tickee." " Lost it," said the professor. The Chinaman went to the rear of his den, and came back shrugging his shoulders. He said, smiling, "Solly." " Why are you sorry ?" said the professor. " Mo lost shirts," said tho Chinaman. The professor got a lawyer, and returned to bulldoze tho Chinaman.

"Giver this man his shirts!" yelled the lawyer, fiercely. " Solly," said the Chinaman, as ho rolled up a damp garment. '' He lost tickee ; I lost shirts.

Parleying did no good. Tho professor retired without his shirts. On the next return of his wash from tho same laundry tho Chinese messenger gave him in, change a trade dollar. It proved to be as light as a feather. Going to the laundry the next day, aftjr discovering that the coin was worthless, he told the Chinaman that his man had given him that counter feit. Tho Chinaman tossed it on the counter, weighted it, and smiled. " Badee," he said. " Your Chinaman gave it to me," said tho professor. "Badee Chinaman. I sent him 'way yesterday." And tho proprietor smiled again. Tho professor concluded to try another Mongolian.

HUMOUROUS CLIPPINGS.

It is wrong to poach chickens, but per fectly proper to poach eggs. So you sco there is a difference 'twixt tweedledum and tweedledee.

"Papa," said a lad tho other night, after attentively studying for some minutes an engraving of a human skeleton, "how did this man manage to keox^ in his dinner S"

A soft answer may turn away wrath ; but the avorage wolsher finds it more discreet to trust to his legs.

"Where did you get your wonderful power of language '!" asked an admiring auditor at the close of the lecture. " Oh, replied the lecturor, with a laugh, "I used to work in a barber's shop."

First small girl, " I know what I'm going to be when 1 grow up." Second ditto, "What are you going to be when you grow up?" First small girl, " A widder !"

A child being asked what wero the three great feasts of the .Jews, promptly replied, " Breakfast, dinner, and supper." "lam saddest when I write humorous articles" said a "funny man" to an ac quaintance. "And I," said tho acquaint ance, "am saddest when I read them."

A little Sunday-school miss was asked by her teacher—"What must people do in order to go to heaven?" " JJie, 1 suppose," re plied the little one.

He who courts and goes away, may live to court another day. But lie who weds and courts girls still, may got in court against his will. A seven-year-older, with the punster's mark on his brow, at dinner, u.skod his mother what was in a jar on tho table. "Pickles, my son," was the reply. " Then, mamma, please, pieklo little one out for me," came with stunning forco from the child, and tho mother fell over her chair and fainted. In a certain cemetery is a tomb with tho inscription :— " This .stono was raised by Sarah's lord. Not Surnh's virtues to record— For they're well-known to nil the town— But it was raised to keep Sarah down." " Can you change a twenty-dollar gold piece ?" he asked, as lie gently placed the empty glass upon the counter. " Yes," said tha bar-tender. "Well, I'll go out and see if I can find one." And the man was gone. " What would you do if you were I and I woro you ?" tenderly inquired a young swell of his lady friend, as ho escorted her home from church. " Well," said she, "if I were you I would throw away that vile cigarette, cut up my cane for firewood, wear my watchenain under my coat, and stay at home nights, and pray for brains." In Washington the cry of the horse-car passengers is,3" No seat, no fare;" but a lady who is not blessed with tho fatal gift of beauty affirms it as her belief that in a crowded car the gentlemen's maxim is ; "Xot fair, no seat." A little boy entered a fish-market one day, and seeing for the first time a pile- of lobsters lying on the counter, looked intently at them for some time, when he exclaimed —"thorn's the biggest grasshoppers I've ever seen."

A popular actor manager recently an nounced in a speech on the evening of the hundredth performance of a very successful piece that the drama would soon be played by as many ns twelve companies in England, America, Franco, and Germany. Some- one said that he looked very pensive. " Yes— pounds, shillings, and pence-ivo," added a wit in the stalls.

A detective wont down to Aldorshot to search the ranks of a militia regiment for a criminal who was "wanted." Up and down went tho investigator, till at last he stopped opposite tho left-hand man of the rear rank, and looked hard nt him. "Come," said tho Colonel, his dignity and esprit de corps not a little offended, "this can't bo tho man you want. He's the beat man I have got in the regiment. You don't mean to gay you know him?'' "No," re plied the detective, after a pause, "I don't ; he's the only man in your regiment I don't know, and I was wondering where he came from."

A story is related of a gentleman driving his Irish servant in his cab, whon he said to Paddy, half jocularly, half in anger, "If tho gallows had its due, you rascal, where would you'bo now?" "Faith, then, your honour, it's riding in this cab I'd be, all alone by myself may be !" Among tho curiosities which aro shown to travellers at Cologne, is the first animal that drew blood, and thus broke the general peace, namely, the (lea that bit Eve the night after her fall. This antediluvian flea is nearly as largo as a well-known prawn. A canvasser for the Brooklyn city direc tory recently called at a house in that city, when tho following conversation took place between the agent and the servant girl : " Does Mr live hero V" asked the agent. " Indado, that he does, soiy' answerrd the girl. " What is his full namo '!" "Ho has nofullname." "Whatis his Christian name?" " Divil abitdol know, for he's anything else but a Christian," "What's his first namo 2' "Oh, is that what yer after?" "Yes; that's^what I want." " Oh, his name in John— —; that is, it was before ho died, but I don't know where ho is or what's his name now." The canvasser left.

At a station on tho overland route to California tho keeper pot rather short of provisions—in fact, had nothing left but a pot of mustard and some bacon. As tho stage stopped there one day to change horses, the passengers seated themselves at the tables, and tho host said, " Shall I holp you to a pieco of the bacon ?'' "No, thank you; I nover eat bacon," said the traveller. " Well, then," said tho host, " holp yourself to mustard !"

It was at a swagger crickot-niatch at Lord's, and tho provincial spectator watched whilo tho best bowler in England trundled half-a-dozen maidens, and then tho best bat in the world managod to get a forward drive along the ground to the boundary. " I can show you better fun like this at Town Mailing," said that wandering man of Kent, as he turned on his heel and made for tho nearest bar. " I like to see them hit blooming 'igh and blooming 'urd, and blooming often—that's what I calls cricket." A handsome young Yankee pedlar marls love to a buxom widow pf Pennsylvania. He accompanied his declaration of love with an allusion to two impediments to their union. "Name them," said tho widow. " The want of means to set up a retail shop," replied the young podlar. They parted, and the widow sent her young lover a cheque for ample means. When they mot again the pedlar had hired and stocked a shop, and the smiling widow begged to know the other impediment. "I have got a wife," blandly said the young man. Old servants are a nuisance as a rule. During an annual meeting of some Corset shire clergymen, held at a vicar's house, a now servant asked an aged retainer what tha parsons met for, "To swap sermons," re plied that retainer ; "butlookeo, our master he do get cheated awful. I've bin in his sarvice a matter o' thirty-five year, and ho'a never got a good one." It had not struck peoplo before this remark was made that the pastor's discourses weroso terrible. Ha left the parish shortly after.

STAK SATURDAY SUPPLEMENT, SEPTEMBER 22, 1883.

6