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ONE THOUSAND Cartes dt Visiteoi celebrities, collected at a great expense during the last seven years, from America, England, Australia, and New Zealand, which can only be seen 10 be appreciated.

A LIVELY LUNATIC.

Whet* the news arrived that the good ship Ladybird was lost at sea with all hands, and that young Frank Raeburn, who was on board, was consequently drowned, all the world (that is to say, all Raeburn) knew what would become of the Raeburn estate. Poor Frank was the last heir in the main line, and he was coming home to claim his inheritance when the perfidious ocean swal lowed him up. According to his father's will the estate went to a distant cousin, who immediately announced his intention of selling it, as he hated the country.

It was a line estate, with a capital house on it and many other advantages ' too nu merous to mention,' as an auctioneer would say, but when the said cousin expressed his intention of .selling it he omitted to take a certain person into his calculations. That person was Mr. Jeremiah Bollop. Similarly, when Tom Lindsay, a young surgeon, who bad come to settle in Raeburn, made up his mind that Rose Morton would be a capital wife for a doctor, he, too, cal culated without Mr. J. Bollop, for Rose happened to be that individual's niece, and among his many prejudices, Mr. Bollop had an inveterate hatred of doctors.

That hatred arose from his having once bestowed a whole bottle of lotion 'prescribed for hiniP.eTf upon a favorite dog, which died in twenty minutes, the said lotion being only for outward application. Mr. Bollojv who was not of' a logical turn of minu; arguing therefrom that if lie had rubbed on the stuff it would have killed him. The inference was unfair to the profession, but ~,'ie prejudice remained. To return, however, to the efforts to get rid of the Raeburn estate. The property would not sell, simply because Mr. Bollop was the agent who had served the Raeburns for years, and who, having made up his mind by some pi-ocess known only to him self, that Frank Raeburn was not dead, art fully prevented any intending purchaser coniing to terms for the house and laud. The cousin, who desired to sell, could not understand how it was that so mauy would-be purchasers held back after they had o-.ice seen the house ; but then he did not know of the series of outrageous false hoods with which the unscrupulous Bollop deluded any one who came near the place. To one hyp* ochondriacal old gentleman he abused the drains ; to a nervous spinster lady lie averred on his oath that the house was haunted, and painted such a vivid picture of the ghost that she dreamt of it for months afterward. There was capital shooting, but ho told the sportsman who came to look after it that there was not a bird on 'the place. In short, he gave Itaeburn .such a bad character that no one would buy it, and, much to the chagrin of the cousin who inherited it, the estate remained unsold and unlet up to the time when our story begins, about two years after the news of Frank Raebarn's death.

It must be added that, even had the cousin found out Mr. Bollop's machinations, he could hardly have put a stop to them, for the irrepressible agent was a fixture on the estate, Frank Raeburn'a father having given him the cottage and land he occupied, not far from the Manor House.

Affairs were in this position when Dr. Tom, going his rounds in tiie village, hap pened, as was not unfrcquently the case, to* meet Alias Rose taking a walk in the same direction. She looked so bright and happy that Tom was quite surprised, and said, as soon as he came up to her : 1 Well, Rosie, what makes you look so pleased ? Has the old Griffin come round vet f

•' It's just as well the Griffin doesn't hear you, sir,' said Rose, ' or I'm sure he would never come round; but I've got some news ior yon.'

' Well, out with it,' said Tom. ' The fact is,' continued Rose, ' the Grif fin, as you call him, is in difficulty, and I tiling you might help him with advantage to yourself.'

'What? Is the old man seedy?' said Tom ; ' if so, I'll teach the old rascal a proper respect for the profession if once I bring the pharmacopoeia to hear upon him.

' No, no, you horrid man,' said Rose; 'Tie's not iH, but he's had an application for the estate from a gentleman, and it's quite evident that this bidder won't be stalled off by any of unejLe's istories.' •' Well,' said Tom, ' what can I do ?' 11 don't know, but I have suggested to my uncle that you might be able to help in some way, and while he kindly remarked that you were no use as a doctor, he was good enough to say that you were not quite a fool in other things.3 'I'm much obliged to him,' said doctor Tom -in. •' but, even supposing I am able to help KJfo, why should JL do ga ? he's always thwarting rae.'

1 Oh ! if you don't know why you should help him,' said Rose, demurely, ' I'm sure I can't tell you.' ' 1 see it, you little witch,' cried Dr Tom, excitedly; ' I'll make a bargain with old Bollop. Rosie, you've the cleverest little Waiiv that was ever put into a pretty head* Ata ta mm to «Iq ytm% to see me \*

' "Well, I think you had better look in this evening. He's very much excited about the business, and the sooner you see him the better,' said the sage young lady, who certainly deserved Tom's praise. And then the lovers continued their walk, but as their conversation was as idiotic as all talk is under similar circumstances, it need not be reported, and we may pass on to the interview in the evening. Mr. Jeremiah Bollop was seated in his armchair after dinner, engaged in the steady consumption of port wine. But, however gratifying to the palate might be the liquor he was imbibing, it was plain that it did not exercise a tranqnilizing influ ence on his nervous system, for no one, as far as outward appearanceswent, could look in a worse temper. Mr. Bollop—or, as his friends called him, Jerry Bollop—was a portly man of about sixty, strong and hale in appearance, with a nose and countenance which looked all the move rubicund in contrast with his snow white liaiv. He was very good-hearted and very irascible, and when we find him sitting at his dessert his mental thermome ter is at boiling point.

If a man is in a, passion, port wine is not exactly the stuli'to allay his rage. And as he tossed off glass after glass Jerry grew more and more irate, and his countenance shone like the sun in a fog, until he resem bled a semi-intoxicated volcano, ready to favor the world with a violent eruption at any moment. He was In this state when Dr. Tom was announced. Lindsay had no sooner made his appearance than Bollop, throwing a let ter to him, roared out : ' Sit down ; help yourself and then read that, and tell me if it ain't enough to make a man swear.' Tom did as he was told and read the let tor. It was from the Hon. Ferdinand Fiit tertip, in answer apparently to jone of Bol lop's, pointing out in vivid colors the disad vantages of Raeburn. The Hon. Ferdinand writing in the blandest manner possible, said he would soon have the drains put right, and added that he doted on ghosts, they were so romantic : so it was evident Bollop had played his best cards and made nothing by them. Mr. Fiittertip further said that lie should arrive on a certain day and look over the place. ' Pretty cool,' said Tom, returning the epistle. 'Pretty cool!' shouted Bollop, nearly swallowing a wineglass in his rage ; ' I call it freezing—below zero—bursting the bulb of any thermometer that ever was made ! He's a perfect refrigerator ! Don't I give him good reasons why he shouldn't take the house, and still he persists in doing so ?'

' It is aggravating,' said Tom, sympa thetically.

' Aggravating; it's a raw, a blister; What am I to do ? The man's mad.'

The last word gave Dr. Tom an idea. He said : ' You want to get rid of this man, Mr. Bollop?' 1 Ot course I do.'

'Very well, I think I can manage it for you,' said Tom. ' Can you ? I shall be extremely grateful and you shall have everything it is in my power to give you if you do it, said Bollop. ' That's a bargain,' Tom said. 'If I dis gust Flittertip with the place you will give your consent to my marrying Rose.' . ' Rose !' said Bollop, taken aback. ' You're sharp, young man, but I've given my word, and I'll stick to it. Kose is yours if Flittertip is vanqished.' They had a long consultation, which we may pass over, and come to Flittertip's ar rival.

It was a line morning, and the sun shone brightly on Raeburn House, making the large garden show to the best advantage, when the lion. Ferdinand Flittertip and his wife drove up to the door. A servant came out to attend them, ami as they descended from the carrage a curious appari tion showed itself on the lawn.

It looked in the distance like a stout gray haired gentleman arrayed in parti-colored garment, with a large bouquet in his but tonhole, and crowned with a fantastically arranged wreath of flowers. This creature was executing a pas seul among the gerani ums, and occasionally emitting snatches of song. Flittertip and' his wife gazed in be wilderment at this strange figure as it waltzed away and was finally lost in the shrubbery, and they were just about to put some questions to the servant when Tom Lindsay appeared at the door of the house. • The Honorable Mr. Flittertip, I pre sume,' said Tom, politely. ' I must intro duce myself. lam Dr. Lindsay, a resident here ; and as my friend, Mr. Bollop, is slightly indisposed, he Has asked me to show you over tha house.'

Flittertip, who was a dandified, elderly man, with a very affected manner, bowed politely and expressed his thanks, and the party went into the house. Both he and ms wife had been much puzzled by the apparition witnessed on their arrival, but they said nothing. Dr. Tom was'i conscientious cicerone, and showed them all over ihe house. Ke also pointed out the beauties of the' view from several of the windows, and when he did so tf Utter, tip- was almost certain, he jaw

the figure which had appeared upon the lawn dancing somewhere in the distance.

After they had made the tour of the house they proceeded to explore the garden and park. At one extremity of the latter was a wall which divided Raeburn grounds from the little bit of land and the house on it which belonged to old Bollop. And as they approached this place Flittertip and his wife received a shock which brought them down as if they had been shot. Tom Lindsay was just saying, ' That, Mr. Flittertip, is Mr. Bollop's house, with about an acre of ground belonging to it,' when the figure Flittertip had seen on the lawn darted up from behind the wall, look ing more maniacal than ever, with the wreath over one eye and a basket on one arm filled v, rith flowers, apples and tomatoes, with which it commenced to pelt the para lyzed Flittertip and his companions. ' Good gracious !' stammered Flittertip, ' who is that, Dr. Lindsay,' while Mrs. Flittertip fairly took to her heels and fled, the figure on the wall skillfully landing a ripe tomato on the small of her back as she scuttled oil.

'If you will come away, Mr. Flittertip,' said Tom, who did not oiler, however, to move himself, I will endeavor to explain.' ' Bleed him, doctor ! bleed him !' shrieked the figure on the wall. ' That's Avhat he wants !' and a dexterously thrown apple turned and ran off like his wife, Dr. Tom following, after exchanging a confidential wink with the wearer of the wreath, who continued to pelt Flittertip until he was out of reach.

' And now, sir,' gasped Flittertip, as he supported Mrs. F. to a garden seat, ' per haps you will explain this extraordinary occurrence. Who was that unearthly in dividual ?'

'My dear sir,' said Tom, politely, 'no one can regret this matter more than I do. That sir, was my unfortunate friend Mr. Bollop, who is in one of his paroxysms to day. ' 'Mr. Bollop ! Paroxysms ! what do you mean ?'

' Simply, sir, that my friend has fits of madness.' ' But he wrote to me quite.sanely—I have his letters.' 'No doubt. These fits only come on oc casionally, and in the intervals he is sen sible enough.' 'Mad enough when they do come on,' said Flittertip, irritably. 'And am Ito understand that Mr. Bollop has the freehold of that place, and will continue to reside there ?'

' Certainly,' said Lindsay. ' Oh, Ferdinand,' murmured Mrs. Flit tcrtip, ' lot us leavo this place ; how can we exist, with that awful lunatic next door. Oh, horror; there he is again !' And the poor lady cowered down in a fright, for careeing over the grass in the distance they saw their late adversary sport ively chasing a flock of sheep. Fiittertip looked thoughtful; and they all walked^to where the carriage was wait ing. Before going away he said, ' I am deeply sorry for your friend, Dr. Lindsay. May I ask if it would hurt him if I had an interview with him; though I'm afraid my purchase of the estate will be out of the question now.' 11 daresay you can see him,' said Lind say, with some doubt in his mind. ' Very well, I will wait on him the day after to-morrow,' said Fiittertip, and they drove away. They had no sooner gone than the sup posed lunatic came up in high glee to Lind say. ' Well,' he said, roaring with laughter, ' Didn't Ido the trick beautifully. Did you ever see anybody ho scared, and how mag nificently I tomatoed the old girl in the back, and Mr. Bollop began to caper about in a fashion which would have justified any one in regarding him as really mad. ' Yes ; 1 think you frightened them,' said Tom. ' And he'll not take the place now ?' .said Bollop. 'No; I believe not,' replied Lindsay, ' but he .says he's coming on to see you the day after to-morrow.' '"Indeed!' said Bollop. 'Then I shal have to do the lively lunatic again. All right, I'll worry him.' 1 ' Yes ; you'll have to keep up the charac ter,' Tom answered ; but hi his own mind he was a little troubled. Fiittertip might be foolish and frivolous, but Tom didn't like his look as he went away. However, there was nothing to be done now but to go on with the masquerade. Bollop was in high spirits, insisted on Tom dinning with him that night, wore his wreath triumphantly, and nearlly fuddled himself by toasting the Lunacy Commiss ioners in successive bumpers of port. In fact, Tom felt like the wizard's apprentice in Geothe's ballad, who, having raised a spirit, could not lay it. Old Bollop was so charmed with the part he had played that he was with difficulty restrained from wear ing his wreath in the village, and he indul ged in such antics in his own garden that his cook confided to Rose that she believed master was ' a little queer in his head.' The day arrived on which Mr. Fiittertip was to call, and Tom found, rather to his disgust, that ha had to go off to an urgent case in a distant village. He had intended to be present at the interview, for there was evidently a danger of old Bollop's overdo ing the part and appearing too mad. But as there was no help for it, Mr. Jerry had to be left to himself, and Tom, with many missgivings, drove away, leaving him try ing on a new wreath and arranging his drawing room in as eccentric a fashion as he could devise.

When he returned in the evening he found that the visit had been made and Bollop was more triumphant than ever. FJittertip had come, he said, with two friends (Lindsay wondered what that meant) to see him and look over the place again, and he had given him another fright and sent him away move disgusted than ever. Questioned as to tiie strangers, he said they had only stayed a short time and then driven away. "Flittertip had remained and tried to soothe him, but had finally retired on a threat of another shower of tomatoes. On the whole Bollop had spent a merry afternoon, but Tom began to wonder how this mad masquerade would end. Next morning he heard some news which made him still more uncomfortable. In the first place he learned that Flittertip had taken np his quarters at the village inn for a few days ; and in the second one of _ his patients informed him that the two visitors who had arrived with Flittertip the pre vious day were doctors from the neighbor ing town. Tom saw the situation at once. Flitter tip meant war. He had brought a couple of medical men over to certify to Bollop's insanity, and the next move would be the conveyance of Mr. Jerry to the nearest asy lum. The Hon. Ferdinand was a modern edition of Lord Foppington in some re?pects, but here was evidence of an amount of saga city which might bring Jerry's performance of the lively lunatic to a painful termina tion.

It was clear that Bollop must be warned at once, and Dr. Tom went oil'and informed that worthy of his peril, urging him to go away for a few days, and undertaking to make his peace with Flittertip. But it was useless. JBoliop's blood was up at the bare idea. He had delighted in pretending to be mad ; but he was furious at the thought of his sanity being oaiiod ia question. He told Lindsay curtly that he could take care of himself, and vowed eternal vengeance, very illogically, on the head of Flittertip. But Bollop waa more alarmed at the doc tor's news than he confessed, and he waa puzzling his brains how to get himself out of the scrape, when fortune favored him in a very unexpected manner.

He stayed at home all the morning in a rather; perturbed state o| mind, but in the afternoon.he'■ventured out for a walk. He Wik tiw wad. te>yw<te \k% w\wtry. tows, $&&

as he started he noticed Flittertip lounging about in the park, not far from the garden wall. He was evidently on the watch, thought Bollop, and he longed to resume his character and assail him again with tomatoes.

As Mr. Jeremiah Bollop walked medita tively along the road, he presented the spec tacle of a highly respectable gentleman of mature years engaged in a quiet constitu tional. He looked like a man who had been long resident in the neighborhood, and who would therefore be capable of affording any information concerning it. He was evidently regarded in this light by two men, strangers as it appeared, who were driving towards Eaeburn in a phaeton. As they came up with Jerry they stopped, and asked him civilly if he would be good enough to show them which was Mr. Bol lop's house. Jeremiah was rather startled for a mo ment, but he recovered his self-possession and saw exactly how things stood. Here were his would "be captors ; how was he to put them off the scent ? He was just going to answer, when the man continued, ' and we want to get to the ' George,' sir, the vil lage inn ; we have to meet a Mr. Flittertip there.'

A plan of deliverance and revenge flashed across Bollop's mind in a moment. These were the men from the asylum, that was certain now. And they knew neither him self nor Flittertip. What was to prevent his changing places with the Honorable Ferdinand. He would do it. ' Indeed,' he said politely, ' you have not to go far. lam Mr. Flittoi tip, and I can conduct you to your unfortunate patient.' ' That's lucky, sir,' said the man ; ' will you get in?' Bollop complied, and as they drove along the keeper said, ' Will Mr. Bollop be quiet, sir, do you think ?' Bollop, in his mind's eye, saw Flittertip taken by mistake, and said emphatically, ' I think not; you had better be prepared for violence.'

The unsuspecting Ferdinand Avas stroll ing near the lodge gates, when the pheaton drove up. He saw with astonishment Bol lop seated in it with his two companions, and he heard with still more astonishment the said Bollop say, ' That's your man, take him as quietly as you can.' But a third surprise was to come. In a minute Flittertip felt Himself seized and being conveyed toward the phaeton, while his old adversary was looking on, nibbing his hands and saying : ' Gently, Mr. Bol lop ; don't bo eve;ted, sir. Take it easy. It's all for your good.' In vain Flittertip protested. 1;; vain he roared out that tJioy had male :i minis:!;e and heaped malediction* on it ■ :;::;>>: he.;.!. The more noise he made and the more ob streperous he became, the more certain the keeper.-; were of his madness, and after a prolonged struggle he was driven array nearly in a lit with passion, Bollop politely taking oil'his hat as they started, .savin;;, ' Gooii-by, Mr Bollop, I'll cook the toma toes. Take care of him, my me:!.'

Then Jeremiah quietly retired to his cot tage and indited a little note to Dr. Tom in which he said : ' They have taken Mr. Flittertip to the asylum, considering him madder than yours truly, J. B. Tom at first thought this was only facetiousness on Bollop's part, but -when lie found out the audacious trick Jeremiah hud played upon the unfortunate Flittertip it was evident to him that the whole affair must be ex plained to that individual, as it was be coming serious. Next day, as lie expected, Flittertip, hav ing proved his identity, | returned to Rae burn thirsting for Bollop's blood. But once more Jerry's good luck served him well. To the astonishment of everybody the ship wrecked Frank Haeburu did turn up, having, with two of the crew, readied an out-of-the-way island, from which after many hardships, lie had been rescued by a passing vessel. He managed.to pacify Flitt.ei.-tip, who be haved much better than the imwsnipuloua Jerry deserved, managed after all to buy a property in the neighborhood, and lived to laugh over the events we have recounted. He and Jerry became firm friends, the lat tcr's hints on farming being very useful to Flittertip ; but Mrs. F. never forgave Bollop the tomato to her dying day.

Dr. Tom won his wife, but he made up his mind never again in the future to advise any one to pay the part of a lively lunatic.

COLONEL DUDLEY AND MRS MCGUFFIN'S BABY.

' Scat !' cried Colonel Dudley nervously this morning; 'keep yer darn baby off'n me V I'll chuck it out the winder.'

'Aisy, Cumiel; aisy, now,' said Mrs. Maguffin, 'it's only playin' wid yer he's afther.'

' Playiri' with me, hay ? Well, if you don't injoin him from further proceeding you'll prob'ly get a hundred days, for I can't keep my mind coneentcrated on your defense with him a clawiu' me.'

The Colonel was not to blame. The beautiful gates had never been ajar when that Magumn youngster left heaven. He had climbed over the fence or got out in some way unknown to the authorities, else lie could never have been inilicted on suffer ing mankind. He was*pnly thirteen months old, but when brought into court his mother's trouble so affected, him that he yelledtill the court borrowed some cotton to stuff into his ears, and three drunks in the dock went off into the ' horros' and made things lively. The ' human boy' was finally choked off, and lie then began operation. He first tried to swallow the Colonel's library, that gen tleman and Mrs. Maguffin being intent on the case. He was teething, and the leather tasted good, but just as the last edge of it was disappearing behind his gums, his fond mother yanked the book out to the disgust of her progeny. One of the England er's briefs next attracted him, and after sucking all the broken English off he investigated an adjacent inkstand. The hand was dirty brown when it went in, but dripping black when it came out, as was the other hand and the face soon after, and then, murmur ing ' Gar ug gar' he affectionately reached over to the Colonel, giving him a wipe across the nose with his little inky paw. The cardinal red ground and the live Wack stripes produced an effect as warlike as it was unique. This caused the exclamation, and to prevent further annoyance the man of briefs, with cold blooded cruelty, slid a paper of fine cut chewing out on the table. The ' little cuss' ceased operation on Nic holl's cane, the paint being nearly all suck ed off, and went for the tin foil. After a few moments' vigorous sucking he 'struck oil.' A second after hs had SAvallowed a mouthful of tobacco juice and iired off a howl that made the court jump, and caused the anxious parent to hurry from the room to find where the pin was, There was a quizzical smile on the Colonel's face as she went out, and he heaved a sigh as he took a fresh chew and murmured ; ( Pore child i pore little darlin !'

There are some delicate impulses that a good woman cannot resist ; she cannot help putting three hairpins and a spare shoe string into the first shaving-rung she sees. Women are better than men in this respect.

' Now,' said a citizen of Ilawlins, W. T., at a recent dance, ' you see that heifer in a red dress—that's my wife ; an' cf you dance with her ljior'n two times, parcl, I'll shuts the hull top ov yer hed ofF. Vv'hat 'li ye? drink?'

The announcement that Neilson ' carried all before her in Pittsburg' is slightly am biguous, since it leaves the mind of the reader in doubt as to whether she forgot; he? hustles oy in. the excitement of the occasion, adjusted it in a jnantier diametrically Pl'* peiwi to the jpYeW^.foshiQi*t

THE EVES ING STAR, SATURDAY. MARCH 17, 1877

7



<|| | IST IE ~W Ip} ■- Tim Proprietors point out to the Inhabitants of AiieM&M aad t&e Country Settlers that their THE PLACE WILL OPEN WITH Aft ENORMOUSLY THE GOODS COMPRISE A NEW AND EXTENSIVE STOCK OF- — ?il!?f^ia^ /A I^l ffl [^i??l W^\ a fPill (FlilfFl I ii^ if^ SFLANNELS, TWEEDS, HATS,S 7 7 7 . ■ . . Alpacas ; French Merinoes, Serges, Ladies and Gents' Umbrellas, etc. The Firm trust that, when they Exhibit their ffiooils to the Public Eye, aid the Quality niicl Prices 'COMpared-, there can be mo difficulty in securing Custom and keeping it. The MOTTO of this Business is CASH, and a Very Small Phofit, ob Goods w the First Quality, Mo Holding; of ftoods over from Season to Season in the hope of large Profits! The Public of Auckland will go wherever there is a GENUINE, ARTICLE SOLD CHEAP. Let the LADIES STEP IN and View some GRAND NOVELTIES in DRESS MATERIALS. (Late Superintendent for Cosgrave and Co.), Solicits a Continuance of the Patronage of his "Friends to the New Firm,iand will guarantee eTery attention shall be paid to their esteemed favours.