"IMPEDIMENTA."

JBy GffiEALD BBE3M.

[Copyright, 1899, by Gerald Brenan.l In the chaos of trunks upon the steamship clock the Portmanteau and the Saratoga Trunk found themselves side by side. Under the circumstances it was awkward, but the Portmanteau belonged to a man of the world, and difficult positions were his forte. The ice must be broken, and the Portmanteau made the first plunge. "I believe we have met before, made moiselle?" he remarked to the Trunk. "I should not have thought," rather coldly replied the Saratoga, "that yon would care to recall the circumstances. They were, at the least, distinctly pain ful." "You allude, mademoiselle, to the episode of our two proprietors? That was undoubtedly painful, but I cannot see why it should affect our relations." The Saratoga Trunk was silent for a moment and then answered in mollified tones: "You are right, monsieur. Our owners' love quarrel need not extend to us. We are not in love." "Mademoiselle must speak for her self," said the Portmanteau gallantly. "By the way, the first scene of that un happy drama occurred" —• "At Waterloo station. Yoti remem ber, he intended crossing with her to New York and settling their difficulties en route. But she cut him dead at the station." "I remember," cried the Portman teau. "She was superintending your transfer to the luggage van at the ttime. I lay on the platform ready and labeled, but after her cruel behavior he had me sent back to the hotel. Two days after we left London for the east.'' "Ah, the dear east! It was there we met first, was it not?" "Yes; at Shepheard's hotel. My master was coming back from India, and of course he had to see Cairo.'' "And we belonged to a party of globe trotting Americans on a Nile voyage. * * * I remember being placed next you on the veranda at Shepheard's. My mistress stole a look at your labels, and I heard her say to her married sister: *This valise belongs to a Captain Rich ard Assheton. I wonder what he is like and why he spells hia name with a dou- i We.' "

"The idea of calling me a valise I So American!" interjected the Portman teau, "Still, your mistress was a very charming yotrag woman and delicious ly sprightly.'' "Shß is charming still, though scarce ly so sprightly. Do you know, xaon cher, I actually believe that she felt that episode sadly." The Portmanteau sniffed impatiently. "Then why did Bhe act so?" he ex claimed. "It was all her fault." "Nothing of the kind," the Saratoga retorted. "It was the fault of your Captain Assheton.'' There was another silence, broken by the Portmanteau. "Well," he said, "we need not quarrel about it. I re member when my master saw your mistress first. He asked a servant her name, and I heard him repeating sev eral times, 'By Jove, this Miss Carrie Dunham is a deucedly pretty girl!' " "It certainly showed his good taste. She noticed him, too, because I heard her talking about him to her sister. Then they met on the excursion to the Grand Pyramid.'' "So I heard. And the acquaintance ripened into his joining the party." The Saratoga tittered. "I can recall the tender fashion in which he looked after me at Port Said," she murmured. "You were quite neglected, mon ami." "Oh, but Miss Dunham kept me in mind. I can still hear her begging the captain not to 'forget his dear old Port manteau.' " "The first proposal occurred at Malta. She came down to the stateroom and told the whole story to her sister. She was sitting on me at the time." "She had put him on probation. I heard him tell his friend McClean. He was to meet her in London and receive her final answer. Ah, that answer! How can you females act so cruelly?" "Cruelly, monsieur? Nonsense! My dear mistress had no alternative but to act so after the conduct of Captain Assheton." The Portmanteau was astounded and said so. "I cannot penetrate your meaning," he cried. "Your nation, monsieur, is pi'over bially slow of comprehension. But it is surely hypocritical on your part to pre tend a lack of knowledge of your mas ter's frailties. You must be well aware that in Paris he so far forgot his alleged love for my mistress as to pay court to Mile. Fanny Patte-en-haut at theFolies Bergeres. Nay, did he not present that notorious creature with a gorgetp&fe dia mond tiara in full view of the audience ? My mistress' brother-in-law was in the audience and saw him do it." The Portmanteau uttered a sharp ex clamation. "And such," he said, "was the reason why Miss Dunham rejected my master when he came to London, refusing all explanation, and why she subsequently cut him dead at Waterloo station/" was the reason," tartly an swered the Saratoga, "and a very sound reason, too, so far as I can see." The Portmanteau burst into a fit of laughter, much to his companion's dis gust. Long and vigorously he laughed, ■ ceasing at last only from sheer exhaus tion. "And now," said the Trunk, "per haps, monsieur, you will be good enough to explain the cause of your—-your cachinnatory hysteria.'' "What a clever trunk you must be, j mademoiselle, to use such long words I Any one can see that you came from Boston. The cause of my merriment, eh ? Well, I was laughing over the very ridiculous mistake made by your mis tress and her defnkey of a brother-in* tew." l

''Mistake, monsieur?" "CertainJy. The superb tiara which my master gave to poor lit lie Fanny Patte-en-haut did not belong to him at all. He was merely an instrument in the presentation. The tiara was a gift from the rajah of Bnndleapore, who had seen Fanny the previous summer in Paris. He sent the diamonds to her from India in the care of his friend, Captain Assheton. I ought to know, because they were stowed away inside me all the way from Madras. The whole Btory was in the Parisian papers at the time, and if your mistress' brother-in law had taken the trouble to read them" — "He does not speak or read French, poor fellow I" "Ah, that explains it. And so be cause of his ignorance two young hearts we to be severed and two happy lives blighted in their prima" "It is very sad,'' sighed the Saratoga sympathetically. "Sad? By Jove, mademoiselle, it is criminal. But let us consider. Js there no way by which things may be set right ? Here we are about to enter the United States together. I am labeled for Newport." "And so am I. Dear me, Monsieur Portmanteau, I never wished that I had the power of human speech so fervently as Ido now! I should lose no time in apprising my dear mistress of that hid eous mistake about Fanny Patte-en hatit." "Human speech is out of the ques tion," said the Portmanteau. "We must hit upon some other scheme. Ah, I have it!" "Monsieur, you are a genius." "You flatter me, mademoiselle. And yet the plan is not uncleyer. this morning as Banks was packing me he wrapped some novels in an old newspa per and placed them jrigh.t tinder my lid, on top of everything else. I can feel them there now. What, think you, was the newspaper used?" "Indeed, I cannot guess," said the Saratoga. "It was a copy of the Ganlois con taining a full account of the presenta tion of Fanny Patte-en-haut on behalf of the rajah of Bundleapore. I ata sure, because Banks read it over with a rem iniscent chuckle before he wrapped it round the novels." "But how about your plan?" "Is it possible that you have not sur mised my plan? In a few minutes the custom house people will come along. I shall simply slip when they open me and cause those novels and the Gaulois in which they are wrapped to fall in your direction. You can roll over slight ly and possess yourself of the newspa per. When your mistress or that psrky French maid of hers comes along, take care that she notices the Gaulois and leave the rest to fortune."

"A good plan, monsieur. But too much is left to fortune, I fear. And here come the custom house officials, with Mr. Banks to open you. Now for it 1" The Portmanteau strained himself with excitement until his straps creaked again. « ****** The custom house inspection was in progress. Miss Dunham and Captain Richard Assheton stood near their re spective heaps of luggage, while the latter's valet and the former's maid, at tended more directly to the matters in hand. As Clarisse, the maid in question, was about to unlock the Saratoga trunk her quick eyes caught sight of a news paper lying on the dock floor. "Ah," she exclaimed, "LeGaulois! It is a good omen, this message from la patrie.'' She raised the paper and, glancing at the year old headings, was about to throw it away again when an article in the center column arrested heratfcen-

"Oft, mademoiselle, what an occurrence!" tion. She read it carefully to the end with astonished little "mon Dieusl" and "ma fois!" at every sentence Finally, forgetting all about the cus toms officials, she tripped toward her mistress, newspaper in hand.

"Oh, mademoiselle, what an occur rence!" she exclaimed, pointing to the article in the Gaulois. It was a long article, and it described in truly Gallic fashion the presentation to Mile. Patte en-haut from H. S. H. the rajah of Bundleapore, through the medium cf the rajah's obliging friend, Captain Richard Assheton.''

Miss Dunham gasped when she read this revelation. Then her fine eyes filled with tears, and she turned sadly to her maid.

"Oh, Clarisae!" she whispered, "and I refused him for that and cut him so cruelly at Waterloo last year, and—and traveled all the way over in the same ship without speaking to him once. And all the time I have loved him. What shall I do, Clarisse?" Here Miss Dunham sank back upon the dock railing. Clarisse's eyes brightened. "Mon Dieu!" she cried. "I have a scheme. If mademoiselle will only consent to a lit tle innocent deception—a little private theatricals, as it were—all will be well." "I will do anything in reason," sob bed Misa Dunham

"Eh bien! Does mademoiselle ob eerve her Saratoga trunk yonder ? Good. Mademoiselle must pretend to faint and fall back upon the trunk. It will not hurt, as I can catch mademoiselle as she falls. Naturally M. le Capitaine will see, and, being a gallant gentle man, he will come to the rescue. Leave the rest to me." Miss Dunham bit her lip. She did not like the scheme. "It is the only way," whispered Clarisse, the tempter. "Otherwise the last chance is gone." Miss Dunham yielded, and a few minutes later the bustle of that section of the dock was interrupted by the fainting of a young and beautiful lady. As fast as hia legs could carry him Captain Assheton reached the Saratoga trunk and its precious burden. Clarisse gazed at him tearfully. "Ah, M. le Capitaine," she mur mured, "it is all about you!" "About me?" said Assheton gruffly. "Can't see why my presence should make her faint, considering we came over together without exchanging a word." Clarisse held out the newspaper. "Voila!" she exclaimed. "It is only this minute that mademoiselle learned the true Btory of that affair at the Folies Bergeres." j Then while eagerly chafing her mis tress' face and hands she poured into Asaheton's ears the whole story of the mistaken brother-in-law and the nat ural error of Miss Dunham. Just as the narrative ended Miss Dunham opened her eyes. They met those of Captain Assheton. "Carrie," said the captain, "is this true-—this about the mistake?" "Oh, Dick," cried Miss Dunham, "it is quite true. How can you ever forgive me?" It was at this point that Captain Richard Assheton relieved Mile. Clarisse j and assisted Miss Dunham to a cab.

"Well," said the Portmanteau to the Saratoga Trunk as they were being hoisted into the same wagon, "how did my little plan*"come oil?" "Ah, mon cher," cried the Trunk ecstatically, "it was admirable! There will be a wedding before Advent." "And then we shall always travel to gether, you and I?" But the Saratoga Trunk was coy and answered not.

Forgot Herself.

A prospective bride went Into a sta tionery store the other day to order the announcements of her wedding. They were to be in her sister's name. Now, why It is no one may be able to tell, but there is no denying the fact that ordering wedding stationery is very embarrassing work if the clerks have an idea that you are the bride elect. So this young lady conceived the idea of pretending she was the married sis ter in whose name the announcements were to be made. She got on beautif uj ly, gave the names and took care to make It known that she was the mar ried lady mentioned in the announce ment. When she had finished, she gave directions that the bill be sent to Mrs. S. J. Blank.

"Very well," said the clerk, and then in an especially loud voice, "What is your name?" Without a thought out it came, the name of the bride elect. The clerk smiled a suppressed smile and repeat ed the name as loudly as lie had asked the question. It seemed to the young lady that all the clerks in the store and all the customers, too, were looking at her, and she began to feel the red com ing into her face. So she picked up her pocketbook and sailed out of the store as fast as she knew how, resolved nev er again to try to pervert the truth.— Detroit Free Press.

Swallowed by the Sand.

It has been computed that over $2, ---000,000 worth of jewels are lost every season at American summer resorts. The greater part of these disappear at the seaside, and it is believed that a comparatively email part are actually stolen. At the various summer resort hotels during the season every bulletin board will be profusely placarded with notices offering all sorts of rewards for the finding or return of missing jewels.

At some of the most fashionable re sorts, such as Newport or Bar Harbor, the owners of very costly jewels fre quently take the precaution of leaving the gems in some safe deposit vault in the city «tnfl sending all the way to town for them every time they are needed. That so much more jewelry ig lost proportionately in the summer than during the winter is due to the rather foolish display which is made of such valuables on hotel piazzas, the sands And even in the ocean itself. The bathers at the fashionable resorts sometimes Indulge in the caprice of ap pearing Sn the water wearing several thousand dollars' worth of diamonds. The chances of losing these trinkets while exercising or lying about on the beach are of course very great.—Chica go Post.

Beecher's Horse.

No man loved a fast horse more than the late Henry Ward Beecher, says a writer in the New York Press. He had a. little mare that could liold her own with many of the trotters ou the road and used often to go out behind her for a spin. It becoming necessary to dis pose of her, the Plymouth pastor in structed his secretary, Howard, to sell her at auction. Beecher cracked her up as perfect—young, sound, gentle, handsome, safe, stylish, best of man ners, etc. The same familiar formula. She fetched a vei«y low price, and How ard, much disgusted, said so. Beecher pondered the subject, then said, philosophically nodding, "Well I guess it's all she is worth, for her am bition was always greater than her ca pacity." She proved to be one of these washy animals, willing to do her best every time, but unable to carry out the con tract.

TH*. ARHBTTBTON GUARBfAN ; TUBBDaY, MAY 8, 1900

Printed and published by HfeNßy Willh, - Peter Street, Athburton, for th« Pw prfotore, ab their Printing Office, Borntlt Street, Aihburton, TUESDAY, MAY I, IIM





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TO ALL MY OLD CLIENTS FARMERS, AND RESIDENTS OF ASHBURTON COUNTY. I BEG to inform you that I have aevered my connection with the Canterbury Mil!, which was under my management fo? over seven years, and hare PURCHASED from Mr Edwin Thomas the WAKANUI ROLLER FLOUR MILLS. The Canterbury Mill, which la the property of the Bank of New Zealand Amtm Board, is still trading under the name of Rollitt k Co., so to avoid confusion with correspondence, I would like to ask you to addrejs all orders to THOMAS ROLLXT2H WAKANUI ROLLER FLOUR MILLS, ASHBTJfITON On and after October Ist, I shall.be pleased to supply you with first-class ROLLER FLOUR, WHEAT MEAL, BRAN & SHARPS, at lowest current rates* FOR THE CONVENIENCE! OF FARMERS DOING GRISTING, I have arranged to keep a supply of Flour Bran, and Sharps at the Stores of the N.Z, Farmers' Association, West Street, when Farmers, Shareholders or non-Stiarehclden can lt>ave their Wheat and get Floor, Bran, and Sharps in exchange. THOMASROLLITT, WAKANOI ROLLER FLOUR MILLS 9 265 ASHBURTON. jr.-asiv^na m HmKJfH Sim*** SOUNO THE PURE CEYLON OR BLENDED