Lifestyleopinion
Why good parenting can't be taught in a book
And Abby Bolter should know. She's dipped into a enough guides to know she's never going to pick one up again
Abby Bolter
You can't learn how to be a good mum by just reading books, says Abby
A good friend of mine has just had her second child and when I woke up to the pictures on Facebook I couldn't help but shed a few tears of joy.
Seeing the little bundle cradled in pleased-as-punch dad's arms brought all the emotions of those precious first few days rushing back.
The incomparable joy and exhilaration of seeing and holding your own special creation make the rest of the world fade away into insignificance.
But, thrilling though it is, the birth and its after glow are just a tiny part of parenthood.
Shortly before my friend gave birth we started talking about how naive we were when our now two-and-a-half year olds first arrived.
As first-time parents we admitted that neither of us had thought much further than the birth and, being brutally honest, how the amount of hard work and struggle that inevitably accompanies bringing up baby had shocked us.
Naturally we were naive.
But as we talked it over we also came to the conclusion that our experience as first-time parents had also been significantly affected by guilt and not just the natural kind that comes with being a parent.
You see a whole industry has grown up around child rearing and countless individuals are queuing up to tell you what you should and should not be doing.
I've just done a quick search on Amazon for childcare books and the result was a staggering 75 pages with 15 books per page, that's 1,125!
Some of those books are designed to help parents with specific conditions such as autism but the majority are nuggets of inspiration on anything from boosting your child's self esteem, how to raise a happy child, how to cook gourmet organic meals, potty train in a week, get your baby to sleep straight away blah blah blah.
Now, while the authors of these tomes may mean nothing more than to be helpful, I have found that there is an unwelcome by-product of all this advice – guilt.
It makes perfect sense.
When you are an unsure first-time parent you do turn to books for advice. But when their self-aggrandising "easy peasy" techniques turn out not to be so easy flaming peasy, what is the inevitable outcome? Guilt.
I must have spent hours torturing myself that I'm a bad mum because I can't make sleep training work or because my child won't eat the oh-so-yummy broccoli snack time "treats" in the Organic Cook Book For Toddlers.
It's only now, after almost three years in the job, that I have grown enough in confidence to start ignoring this "advice" and to trust myself.
Yes for some, including mums I know, these techniques and military-style routines will work and in many ways I am envious.
But I am also grateful that the scales have been lifted from my eyes after three years of looking after a child with an iron will that makes Margaret Thatcher look like a puppy.
I can now see this baby/toddler industry for what it is – it is just that, an industry, designed to make money and to do that it plays on parents' insecurities and fears.
One of the many wonderful things about children is that from the word go they are individuals.
So while some will dutifully respond to the low, authoritative tones advocated by these self-appointed experts to others, mine included, they are a green light to up the ante and test your resolve even more.
What parents need more than anything, in my humble opinion, is honesty.
Telling people they can train a baby or toddler to sleep in just a few nights or that they can go from nappies to a full toilet-trained individual in a week is just setting people up for a fall.
To give you an example, while my son was generally very good with potty training we still had a bit of troubleshooting, shall we say, to do for weeks afterwards. Our carpet will never be the same!
And don't talk to me about sleep training. I think if I ever met Supernanny on the street I'd punch her lights out!
Controlled crying? There was nothing controlled about it. And yes I did follow the routine to the letter and after 40 minutes my little cherub was still like a Whirling Dervish in his cot and screaming so much I had to intervene before he threw up.
Apparently this "technique" takes no longer than seven days to work. Well, it lasted no more than two in our house because it took us close to breaking point.
If I ever had the opportunity to write a childcare book I wouldn't. Instead, I can sum up my advice, for what it's worth, in 11 short words: Listen to your instinct, trust yourself and find your own way.
Amazing HomesDream house untouched by time since the 1970s with breathtaking views of the Welsh coastThis hidden gem is like walking back in time
Finding Alice start time: When is the ITV drama on and how many episodes are there?
ITVThis is how many episodes of Finding Alice there are and how you can watch it
Every single house in this village is for sale and you can buy them all as a job lot
MachynllethAberllefenni just wants a loving owner
Finding Alice location: Where was the new ITV drama filmed?
ITVThe filming locations for Finding Alice - including the house
The Pembrokeshire Murders: What it was like growing up as John Cooper's son Andrew
TVA heartbreaking element of the true-crime drama is down to Andrew Cooper's openness to writer Nick Stevens
What's On NewsPeter Andre urges people to take Covid seriously as he shares how it ripped through his familyThe Mysterious Girl singer appeared on Good Morning Britain alongside his wife, Dr Emily MacDonagh, and spoke of his experience with the virus
Holly Willoughby Dancing On Ice dresses 2021 as presenter showcases outfits
Dancing on IceInside Dancing On Ice presenter Holly Willoughby's stunning wardrobe for the 2021 series
The neighbouring luxury homes with sea views for sale on Barry Island's former iconic Butlins site
Amazing HomesDuo of dream homes at a location full of memories for many
New Dancing On Ice feature 'out of time' and 'annoying', ITV viewers say
Dancing on IceDancing On Ice 2021 started this weekend but one change left many frustrated
Dancing On Ice leaderboard and first celebrity in the skate off confirmed
Dancing on IceWho is in the Dancing On Ice 2021 skate off and who got the Golden Ticket?
UK NewsStorm Cristoph: more snow and strong winds a threat in the days ahead, Met Office warnsBe prepared