People who say they love their jobs on LinkedIn actually hate their jobs. A lot.
Ever go on LinkedIn and see post after post of people saying how much they love their jobs?
A deep dive scientific/sociological study commissioned by the Intergalactic Business Report has uncovered the truth behind the fake satisfaction conveyed by LinkedIn users who praise their jobs, bosses, and companies. We break it down for you below:
HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: "They say if you find a job you love, you'll never work another day in your life. I found that job three and a half years ago at Total Sales and every day has been an adventure."
ACTUAL MEANING: "Three and a half years ago I was a whole person who valued life and felt positive about the future and humankind in general. Total Sales destroyed that optimistic person and replaced her with a cynical, shrewish woman, who wears too much makeup and sleeps with bartenders at Applebee's."
HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: "Just wanted to take a minute to thank everyone at Aerotech for letting me live my passions every day. I love this job and I love my co-workers!"
ACTUAL MEANING: "My 'passions' are to leave this fucking job and probably take a dump that overflows the toilet on my way out. If anyone is reading this, please contact me and offer me another job. It can be anything. Really. Anything. Including sucking dick at a trailer by the docks. I'm serious."
HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: "What I love about Cersius Inc. is that they give me challenges that make me a better person and employee. I highly recommend this company to anyone who wants to do more and be more."
ACTUAL MEANING: "If you show up for an interview at this place I will Bruce Willis in Die Hard shoot at your car to get your attention so that you can grow a fucking brain and not come inside."
HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: "A shout out to all my colleagues who absolutely killed it this year as we surpassed our quarterly goal! I love you guys!"
ACTUAL MEANING: "The quarterly goal was that Randy fucking Hampstanner, our fucking Vice President for Sales, wouldn't show up drunk to work every single day and try to grab my balls and beg, 'Come on, Vick, just a touch…' Instead, Randy died of cirrhosis and probably some other things. So he wasn't here at all and I consider that surpassing our goal. Oh, and I fucking hate you guys."
HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: "I came to the Boswell Group seven years ago because I needed a job. What I didn't realize was that I'd be working with people who would become my family."
ACTUAL MEANING: "After taking this job seven years ago I was forced to marry my boss, Jack Boswell, in a ceremony that can only be described as Texas Chainsaw Massacre meets the Deer Hunter as I was forced to play Russian roulette at my 'bachelorette party,' which was basically me playing Russian roulette while my new 'cousins' tried on human skin masks. I'm currently kept in the basement and let out to cook dinner and do the books for the Boswell Group. I think this is a cult or something."
HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: "Someone asked me yesterday why I work at Zerostate. My answer was simple: Because you can grow here and develop not only as an employee, but as a human being."
ACTUAL MEANING: "I have technically grown as a human being because Zerostate bullied me into getting penis enhancement surgery, saying if I ever want to be upper management, then I need a 'huge schlong.' I found out later that this was a 'prank' and that their health insurance didn't cover it either. Oh, and they convinced me to get the kind of dick that's so big you can't even use it really."
HAPPY, SATISFIED POST: "After 35 years at Amazing Events I am announcing my retirement. I can't believe all the memories I'm leaving behind. Thank you to the whole team! I'll miss you!"
ACTUAL MEANING: "For the first ten years I worked kind of hard. For the next 25 I just made you all feel sorry for me and say, 'We can't fire Don. He's been here for ten/fifteen/twenty/twenty-five years… You get it. Fuck all of you. I fucking hate you. Suck my balls."