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What's Your Erotic Blueprint? with Jessie Fresh
Jessie Fresh was in her early 20s when she realized that silence had been her main sex educator. After a mid-coital wakeup call and two relationships—one with sexual chemistry, one with only emotional sparks—she sought ways to cultivate the richer relationships and sexual experiences she desired. Discovering the Erotic Blueprints changed everything for her. And they may do the same for you, too!
Learn much more in this week's Girl Boner Radio episode.
Stream it on Apple Podcasts/iTunes, iHeartRadio, Amazon Music, Spotify or below. Or read on for a lightly edited transcript.
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[Intro music…]
…And you're like, "I came here for my orgasm!" [Jessie laughs] I could see that being a challenge.
Jessie:
Yeah, that's why this information is so empowering, because it gives you the communication to say, here are some of my needs that I recognize, and how can we meet each other's needs more easily without thinking that it's just never going to work, or there's ways to meet each other's needs.
And that's truly what sexual compatibility is. But we are taught that – we're not taught a whole lot actually. I thought sexual compatibility meant that if what I like is what you like, then that means that we're sexually compatible.
But once you learn the blueprints, you're able to meet the other person's needs, they're able to then meet yours and then compatibility can just continue throughout your lifetime.
Sex and intimacy coach, Jessie Fresh, told me that silence was her main sex educator growing up.
There wasn't a lot of talk about it. There wasn't shame around it or any kind of religious background. For me, it's just that it was not talked about at all. So it was a job learned in experience.
And that experience, I think, created a lot of scary moments for me of navigating something extremely vulnerable, without any training or any skills at all.
Yeah, yeah. Do you remember the first time that you noticed that sort of disconnect that this isn't something you talk about?
Oh, yeah. That is a moment that has been, I think, etched in, in my brain as a heightened experience, because I was in my early 20s, and I was giving a partner oral sex. And that had gone on for about 45 minutes. And leading up to the length of time, my thought process was like, what's going on? Like, is everything okay? I hope I'm doing this right. Is this a good experience for them? I can't read what's going on. Therefore, I'm having all of this tension built as I'm giving to my partner. And there's just complete silence between the both of us. [soft laugh]
And that awkward tension built and built and built until the point that my body was uncomfortable because of my job being completely exhausted. I mean, giving for 45 minutes, when you're totally into it is a whole different experience.
So we kind of had this eruption happen. And this eruption was a tense moment of us, basically being like, what is going on, and that partner then said, 'What you're doing is never going to work. The style of what you're doing is never going to work. You're doing it too soft, or you're not doing it enough." And that was a moment that I just was like, "Why didn't you say anything 45 minutes ago?" And I just recognize that both of us were expecting to read each other's minds, and that silence was probably the teacher for both of us. So we just navigated in the dark. And from then on, it was like, there has to be other ways of doing this.
Jessie and that partner stayed together for a while. They shared undeniable chemistry, she said, and it was the first time in her young adult life that she felt truly in love. But the relationship also had its problems.
Looking back, it was a very toxic chemistry of highs and lows together. And I felt completely committed and in love, even if it was really unhealthy for me.
And actually, what I know now about sexual compatibility and chemistry, what was really bonding us was this feeling of not ever knowing if you're truly secure with that person, and therefore having so much anticipation built up around this anxiety of like, what are we doing? Are we together and then having these validating moments of heightened sexual experiences, that kind of were in that moment, reminding me like, Oh, yes, of course, like this is love. This is passion, when really it was instability, and insecure attachment. But that chemistry is what I now know as the energetic blueprint.
The energetic blueprint. That's one of the five Erotic Blueprints, developed by somatic sexologist Jaiya from her 20 years of clinical research and study about sex and pleasure. Jaiya noticed particular patterns in arousal and desire—so she conceptualized them into five sexual archetypes to enhance folks' sex lives.
Discovering these "blueprints" changed everything for Jessie—in her sex life and her career. That all started when the relationship we talked about ended.
Sex and intimacy coach, Jessie Fresh
I knew that I wanted the hot sex. And I wanted, in my next partnership, to be a healthy relationship where we were committed to growing and we were communicative, and really intentional.
And in some ways, Jessie got that. She and her next partner shared great emotional chemistry.
But then the actual physical chemistry, the sexual chemistry, was lost. It was not there all the time. I kind of say that it is like taking a magic eight ball. And when we wanted to get sexy, I'd metaphorically bounce around the Magic Eight Ball and be like, 'please tell me we're going to we're going to have hot sex,' and it would likely say "not tonight." It felt like I was rolling the dice that I couldn't have reliable hot sex with this person. And that was extremely frustrating because I had had that in the past but with the toxic past partner.
So I really was stuck in my head. I was redecorating the bedroom as I was trying to feel turned on, which completely did not work. And therefore I would get stuck in my head. I would then think, what's wrong with this partnership? We're so great together, but something is wrong. I'm not getting turned on. I'm completely distracted. It must be them or it must be me. And we fought a lot and those fights would be explosive because we were so vulnerable, you know? Naked together, trying to bond in this way. And it just was not working.
Jessie knew that the emotional chemistry could sustain a lifelong partnership, but she longed for that sexual spark. So she started doing research, reading all she could about sexuality.
That's when she was introduced to the Erotic Blueprints, which she now helps others discover and embrace. The archetypes provided the roadmap she needed. And I love how she described them:
They are an arousal typing system to understand how you experience pleasure, what your specific type of route is to experience pleasure.
And you can identify yourself in these five types. And by understanding what your type is, you get to know what turns you on, what are things that you could try, maybe that you've never even thought of, the things that kind of get in the way.
I asked Jessie to walk us through the five blueprints – the basics of what they are and what an ideal versus not-so-great start to sex with a partner might be for each one—starting with the energetic.
[sultry saxophone music]
The Energetic Blueprint
The energetic blueprint is not energetic in the sense of high energy. It is more so that they have an awareness of subtlety, they can feel other people's energy. When you walk in a room an energetic blueprint can sense if you're upset, if you're happy, they just have this reading of energy.
Because of being able to perceive everyone's state of being, they are queued into subtlety, and subtlety, slowness, space, spacious touch, and safety are the things that they need to feel turned on.
Safety for them is this primal sense that everything is okay. And you can sense that with eye contact with full deep breaths. And with being completely present. And if that's not there, there's a slight little red flag that goes off, where their body and their mind says something's wrong. So they cannot feel turned on unless they feel like everything is in the moment. That safety is fully unlocked.
This might be you if sex starting out lke this sounds pretty great:
You both start by first looking into each other's eyes, and really just connecting in that moment, taking some deep breaths together, maybe holding each other. Maybe doing some grounding, kind of touch of like heavy weighted, snuggling. And then beginning to do some type of light, teasing, touch. Touch that is exploratory, that has no agenda that is just to awaken that person's skin.
Starting out with a distracted partner, on the other hand, would probably not go down so well.
Yeah, so if an energetic person were to have partnered sexy time and say that one of them is thinking about how maybe the oven is still left on from dinner, or that the trash cans didn't get brought up from trash day, or they are thinking, I really just need to get off and get an orgasm in and want that immediately—that would completely throw off the energetic person, because they could sense that their partner is not in the room, that their partner is either caught up in expectations or in an agenda. And that alone would make them feel like we're not connected, therefore, my body doesn't feel safe enough to open up.
Then there's the sensual erotic blueprint—the type Jessie identified with when she first found this information.
The Sensual Blueprint
A very delicious scenario for my sensual self, when I first found this information was lighting candles, setting up the space to have beautiful music playing to have the the lights dimmed to like a romantic hue, having luxurious textures on the bed, maybe having warmed up massage oil, and having kind of a conversation of like we have all the time that we want. And we're going to explore each other's bodies from head to toe, and then playing with sensation of like massage, and then maybe some head massage, and then maybe some kind of like scratching or nibbling, maybe playing with essential oils or some kind of scent in the massage oil that would kind of activate your senses, all of that would be enough for me to relax and sense the central blueprint has to relax.
And the sensual blueprint has to relax, Jessie said, before they can get aroused.
Feeling rushed, on the other hand, can be a major buzzkill.
Like we have 10, 15 minutes to do this. Just feeling rushed is going to set them off to feel not relaxed.
Say that also, one song in the playlist is rubbing them the wrong way, or that they can feel cat hair on their body, or the sheets smell and aren't clean, or their body isn't pampered in a way like a fresh shower or a fresh shave. Whatever it is that makes them feel really good in their body. If that is off, that is really hard to navigate for them because their senses are taking in so much information that if one little thing is off, it's the alarm system that is going like wait, change this change this, this is the thing that's wrong. And so if they don't change that they are just alerted and kind of can really have tunnel vision of just seeing that.
August (narration)
The third blueprint, is known as the sexual blueprint on the "ins and outs" of sex—often literally. Sex may be all about penetration, or all about the orgasm. And being passionate, Jessie said, is the best way to start getting busy for this type.
[seductive R&B music]
The Sexual Blueprint
They would really enjoy like making out and getting juicy tongue swirling, maybe there but being grabbed and it feeling very heightened sexual from the very beginning. So that means touching erogenous zones on their body like the primary erogenous zones, their nipples, their genitals, their butt. Maybe even seeing nudity or speaking dirty talk to them, because they can drop into arousal really quickly. So those are the things that captivate them.
So I'm guessing that maybe the energetic slow beginning might be more challenging for the sexual type.
Yeah. A lot of my clients are pairings of energetic people with a sexual partner, and then just feeling like they're missing each other.
With some awareness and strategizing, though, they can start turning that around. Before that, though, an energetic blueprint paired with a sexual blueprint, can feel wonky from the start.
Say the sexual is like, oh, my gosh, I've been turned on all day because I've been thinking about this moment. Therefore I'm at full turn-on as soon as we start making out. If they're paired with someone that's energetic, and the energetic wants lots of time and space, they can get agitated, because they feel like every second that passes, why aren't we doing the heightened, passionate sexual thing? Because I'm already there, I am bubbling over.
And therefore, they can experience what I call horny rage where some anger comes out, because they feel that they're having to be very patient. And they really want to experience passion and heightened arousal, because that's what makes them able to relax, is the thing that makes life okay. They want an orgasm. And if you're like, "we really need to go slower," that they're like, 'but that's gonna take me longer to actually feel relaxed!' So they need that orgasm to feel completely validated in life and to feel completely calm in life. So the longer it takes to get there, the more agitated that they become.
Yeah, and I could see also feeling a little bit entitled, especially if you are female presenting, or you were raised as a girl, and you learned that women go slow, and they're the sensual ones. And then say, you're with a cis-man who's very sensual and taking their time. And you're like, "I came here for my orgasm!" [Jessie laughs] I could see that being a challenge.
But once you learn the blueprints, you're able to meet the other person's needs, they're able to then meet yours and then compatibility can just continue throughout your lifetime because your blueprint will likely shift and change throughout your lifetime and throughout your partnership as well.
Next up, the kinky erotic blueprint, which does not necessarily mean you're into whips, chains and spankings.
[sexy techno dance music]
The Kinky Blueprint
Being kinky is such a huge range of possibilities. So I'll give you the most—I want to say version of kinky because some people go to the extremes of BDSM when kinky can mean BDSM or it can mean anything that feels taboo for you.
So, for instance, I totally did not think that I was kinky. And what I learned is that actually a lot of things that arouse me were quite taboo. Your definition of taboo is whatever is taboo for you, not just taboo for our society or for your place of living.
So for me, giving oral sex in the car is very taboo, very edgy, exciting. And that is the part of kink that felt exciting to me. Also, maybe getting caught in a movie theater, or even having housemates and having sex on the couch and knowing that the housemates could potentially come home at any time. It's that risk that is involved in the sex that makes it feel so exciting and enthralling.
It's also playing with, what I just mentioned is that psychological component of like, Oh, my brain is so turned on because the taboo is there. There's also sensation based kink, where maybe your hair is massaged, and then tugged at which just feels a little submissive. Or your butt is grabbed in a really like aggressive way that that sensation makes you go hmm, this feels so like edgy. Or like someone took their nails and dragged them down your back to the point that you can't help but gasp because of that feeling so tingly. Those are sensations in kink that make you feel like, 'Oh, that's so hot. Why do I like that?'
What isn't so hot for kinky blueprint is the same ol' same 'ol. A sex routine, no matter the specifics.
Sex that is like routine sex that feels like, Oh, this is the same flavor that we've had for the last month or the last year. If it's always and a routine of this means this means this and then we're done. That repetition is so boring to them, and so predictable that they will completely become resentful.
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Yeah, he's me. Yeah. So the, the sexual script as they say like the same thing over and over, even if it was like, with whips and chains and whatever, like it's just it's always the same, whereas the novelty wears like, the taboo-ness of it.
Okay, yeah, that's what they really enjoy. They enjoy what their specific groove of taboo is, but keeping it creative, they really thrive from being creative from opening new doors of possibility from continuous exploration.
Last, there is the shapeshifter erotic blueprint. Which sounds so magical, right?
[experimental house music]
The Shapeshifter Blueprint
Yeah, I joke that the shapeshifter is the favorite at the orgy that the shapeshifter is the person that can speak all of the different languages so they can adapt and meet you in whatever blueprint you're in. They also can shift, that's the shapeshifting quality is that they enjoy novelty and adventure and spontaneity. And sometimes what they want shifts every 30 seconds.
When I first became a shapeshifter, I realized that every 30 seconds, I wanted to change into something else. I wanted from hair tagging, to light kissing, to teasing to buck grabbing to spanking, and it was a wild ride, it makes it really fun. And the reason I joke that they can go to the origin and be the favorite is that they're very adaptable. And that's also something that can sometimes hinder them, because they can have so many different things that they enjoy that it might feel complicated to understand their own desires. So therefore, it's easier to focus outward, and on someone else.
Ah, okay, I can be this people pleasing part of like, I'm a Rubik's cube. So I know that you just have like a couple of needs, and therefore we're going to focus on you. And hopefully, your arousal will inspire my arousal. But what that does over time, is it produces like a disowning, or a disregard for your own needs, and therefore, leaves them feeling pretty empty.
If you have a partner in the shapeshifter realm, one thing you definitely do not want to do is keep your mouth shut about your own wants—while making it all about theirs.
A not great experience for the shapeshifter would be that their partner is focusing on them. And they're really enjoying what they're experiencing in that moment. And then they notice that something shifts, and they don't know how to talk about it, or they notice that they're now stuck in their head of like, why am I not turned on now? What do I want? If they don't stay curious about what they want, it can become really difficult to navigate, because shapeshifters don't always know what they desire. But they definitely want to try things to see if that's the winning arousal experience in that moment. So if they're not curious and easily flexible in terms of trying things out, then they can feel extremely stuck.
Your erotic blueprint can change for a variety of reasons, like the environment you're in, experiences you've had — whether positive or hurtful — and whether you're single or with a new partner. Tosh Patterson, another certified Erotic Blueprint Coach, told Mind Body Green that our blueprints can change with different life stages, too.
Jessie has identified with all of them at some point. And she said her shifts have been very circumstantial.
So when I had a really intense time, because of a traumatic bodily injury, it turned me into an energetic blueprint because my sense of safety was expanded and needed to be met before I could feel turned on because of my body not being well.
Or you could have a primary blueprint that stays pretty consistent.
Regardless, enhancing your sex life with your own starts with self awareness. Taking an online quiz could be a good starting point—but they're not foolproof.
When I first found out about this information, I thought, Oh, I'm for sure sensual, that is completely me. Of course, like I love I love beauty. I love decorating a space. So therefore that's me. Also, that was my main educator, I think in our society of like, what, what cis-female sexuality is like seduction, it is romance. It is putting Barry White on and putting on some silk sheets and taking a bubble bath. So I adopted that as my script for what I needed.
Now, when I would actually receive the things that the central blueprint wanted, I was not turned on. It wasn't until I started experiencing more of the heightened sensation of the central blueprint that almost verged on the kinky side of like deep scratches and heavy hair tugging and nibbling to biting that I was like, Oh my gosh, my body was so lit up. That's when I learned that actually, the kinky blueprint was just the thing that lit up my whole body like it was on fire in the hottest way.
If you would like to get lit up in the hottest way through a similar path, you can take the Erotic Blueprint Quiz or sign up for Jessie's Pleasure Mastery workshop at jessiefresh.com.
She also offers free guides for discovering your desires and communicating about sex. Communication and pleasure are also the biggest benefits Jessie has gleaned from this work, both in her life and with clients.
This work has, for one, made me feel very confident in understanding exactly what's going on, exactly how to communicate what's on my mind or what I need. It's allowed me to have my needs met to understand my needs to be in discovery about my needs.
And this work always calls me to be practicing. I did not realize in entering this as a profession that I would continuously have to show up to exploration and recommitting to my pleasure. And that has been the best unexpected, unexpected blessing because it's pleasure is what resources us and it's what makes me feel alive. So being able to feel committed to that because half is really wonderful.
Here is to showing up for our own pleasure. I think we can all learn from that.
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