Portrait 59 in my series of 100 portraits of detransitioned women Metamorphosis100.com  Hanna, 25, Ukraine IG @_unohanna_  https://inv.tux.pizza/@DetransLizard  I was born and raised in a small conservative town in Ukraine, and  my childhood was really tough. I was pretty tomboyish and, as a result, I was constantly shamed by my abusive parents for this. When I was a kid, I was molested by a teenage guy from my neighborhood and since then I started perceiving my femininity as a threat and looking for someone to protect me.  As I grew up, I became quite tall (176cm), and my peers started bullying me for my height. That was the first moment when I thought «it would be better to be a tall guy than a tall girl». After graduating, I moved to the capital in order to study at university and there I met a girl who I fell in love with. But from the very beginning she started questioning my gender identity and brainwashing me. She was 100% positive that being a lesbian was, as she said, “not a thing anymore”.  At first I thought she was insane, but then I gradually started believing her and questioning my own beliefs.  Eventually we broke up, but my mental health was absolutely demolished. I had a severe PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder, depression, insomnia and of course I was dealing with internalized misogyny. Therefore I decided to seek help from «medical professionals», but as soon as they heard me say «I think I wanna become a man», I was instantly affirmed. They did ask some questions, but those were incredibly preposterous, such as «do u prefer men or women» or ‚what kind of toys did u prefer as a kid». So at the age of 20, I started taking hormones and presenting as a guy. I was on testosterone for 3,5 years, but I always felt as if something was off. Every night I was crying myself to sleep and I talked to my therapist a lot about my anxiety and depression, she tried to help me with «meeting your inner child» exercise.  And we did that quite often, but whenever we did it, I always saw a little girl, not a little boy. She was terrified, abandoned and I felt so sorry about her. I said to my therapist: «I wanna ask you something... I’m terrified of even pronouncing that, but I guess I know what’s wrong. I feel like I abandoned that little Hanna because I was so tired of constant pain and suffering and because there was nobody to protect me. Did I kill her?»  She answered: «I don’t think you did. I think you just hid her, very thoroughly, deep inside your soul, in order to protect»