"i have always felt like something was wrong for as long as i can remember.  i think my depression is just normal to me and i&#039;ve probably been depressed for many years without even knowing, just a feeling that something isn&#039;t right.   a failed relationship a while back, heightened my realisation that something is wrong and the pain of losing someone close was like a final straw for me.  i guess it might be true that everyone comes into your life for a reason, even if it is only meant to be for a short time.  

after countless months and days googling and doing tests online, trying to figure out what might be wrong with me, i finally got the courage to go see my doctor.  after a few visits, he prescribed me paxil and thinks this might help get me on the right track.  you see my depression isn&#039;t the usual in that i try to go about my daily life as normal as i can, it&#039;s called walking or smiling depression.  behind it all though, i&#039;m crippled with self doubt, negative thoughts, anxiety and constant feeling of sadness.  i feel guilty a lot, distance myself from my family and friends regularly and sometimes feel so down i cry for what seems like no reason at all.  i put on brave face to people and go about daily life as best i can, but behind the mask i am suffering.  i never really felt like i fit in and it&#039;s like i have to try to act to be happy in every day situations.  it&#039;s hard to describe, but it&#039;s almost like i&#039;m standing behind my shadow.  i always look at other people and wonder what it&#039;s like to be just happy.

 i could never bring myself to telling anyone how i really felt, i guess it&#039;s only the last year or so that i became more aware and really accepting that something isn&#039;t right.  it&#039;s been so long that i have felt this way, i really don&#039;t know what normal is anymore.  i have lost 2 girlfriends  largely due to my low self esteem and low confidence finally taking its toll on the relationship, it&#039;s like i just expected them to leave, who would want to stay with a loser like me is how i portrayed myself to them.. that&#039;s probably the hardest pill to swallow through all this.  i know if i was mentally stronger, i could have held on to something good.

i know i have it in me to go change my life around.  everybody sees it in me, but i feel trapped in my own body and mind.  i have a lot of trouble concentrating and i seem to always be so indecisive about what action to take.

i guess i&#039;m wondering what i can expect from taking paxil.  i know i&#039;m the only one who can physically make changes, but can i expect to regain some self confidence and motivation, energy etc? i really don&#039;t know what to expect from this drug and am apprehensive about what it can actually do for me.  i guess part of me just wants to try do everything by myself, but i really don&#039;t want to waste another second of my life.  i feel like i haven&#039;t properly lived for at least the last 5 years of my life.  thank you for reading."