How many times can you spot the letter e in:
If the makers of The Purge are to believed, home invasion is a hard fact of Americas dystopian future. In the year 2022, crime is legalized for one night only, which drastically reduces the nations crime rate by letting citizens kill poor people for their emotional well-being. In time for the films release tomorrow, here are some handy guidelines on how to be harassed by a socially maladjusted person hell-bent on waging class warfare in your living room.
1. Always Be Dickishly Suspicious
It never pays to be a good Samaritan in home-invasion scenarios, so do as the survivalists do, and always look out for #1. (If you think about it, even cute little Kevin McCallister got by being a selfish prick.) The events of The Purge would have never happened had one character not taken pity on a wounded stranger and admitted him into his house. Without a stranger in their house, there wouldnt be an angry lynch mob hoping to break in.
Also dont be like the tenants in Pacific Heights, a thriller where Michael Keaton holes up in a San Francisco apartment simply because his landlord is too meek to ask for a credit check, money upfront before he can move in, or any other form of identification beyond a single personal reference. Instead, be like the cop in Panic Room who simply wont leave Jodie Foster alone, not even after she embarrasses him by saying her husband overreacted, and that she wasnt calling him for help, but rather for a booty call. This cop doesnt give up easily, and if someone threatens the castle that is your home, neither should you!
2. Dont Antagonize Emotionally Disturbed People
If someone who looks like Crispin Glovers deranged son wearing a Halloween mask that looks just like his own face shows up on your doorstep threatening to destroy your house, maybe avoid conflict with the guy. Admittedly, its not always easy to know which sociopaths demands you should cave in to, and which ones you can fight. Frank Sinatras would-be assassin in Suddenly doesnt look crazy. And while Gary Buseys villain in Hider in the House does look, well, like Gary Busey, he was already in the house he invaded. But surely we can all agree that Michael Pitt and Brady Corbet just look suspicious in Michael Hanekes American remake of Funny Games. I mean, look at those polo shirts: Something is surely up, so dont press him.
3. Dont Answer That Phone
Its easy to pity Ethan Hawkes family in The Purge because they are apparently not rich, or smart enough to have telephones in their house. But if movies like Hider in the House, Black Christmas, Sorry, Wrong Number, and When a Stranger Calls have taught us anything, its that phones are not always your friend. So while you should ideally keep your phone on you at all times, maybe dont answer it unless you know whos calling.
4. Avoid the French Suburbs
This isnt a problem that The Purges protagonists have to face, since Purge Night is apparently a uniquely American pastime. But Inside, Frontier(s), Martyrs, and Them suggest that, outside of Frances cities, hicks, kids, and ladies are all commonly deranged. Whether they travel alone or in groups, the French are apparently that much more vicious and determined to break into your home, and take over your life, like a more sadistic version of Single White Female. So, when visiting your friends in France, keep an eye on where they keep sharp or blunt objects in any given room, especially scissors.
5. Try Not to Kill Anybody if You Dont Have To
Despite what the recent Straw Dogs remake would have you believe, killing intruders is not a life-affirming pastime. The good guys in The Purge dont exactly learn this lesson, as they get to absolve themselves of their worse sins by doing the right thing later on. But in Last House on the Left, and the original Straw Dogs, violence is kind of degrading, and brings out the worst in people. When Dustin Hoffmans character slaps his wife in the above clip, its a sign of regression, not a temporary slip. Once his adrenaline kicks, Hoffmans character apparently learns to like defending his home like a caveman. But again, cavemen are not attractive, and the sweat, and heavy breathing, and generally animalistic look Hoffman has throughout this scene confirms that defending your life, family, and possessions is not all fun and games.
user
In that passage, there are 400 occurrences of the letter "e."
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