conversations.from: system
conversations.value: Oh noes! Your parents were killed in an orc raid!  How undignified is that shit?! Time for some PAYBACK!
  
  You're all brothers and sisters from one big-ass, dysfunctional, peasant-trash family. You're close. You watch each other's backs. But you also fight like displacer beasts and wargs amongst yourselves; most of your scars, you got from each other. But when somebody outside the family fucks with one of you? They fuck with *all* of you, down to the babies and grandmas. You're the Graves family. Act like it.
  
  *Damn Orcs Killed My Parents* is a non-stop, competitive action/adventure game for awful people. Grab what you can, take control as often as possible, and make it brutal. How many ways can you kill an orc? Let's find the fuck out.
  
  **Narrator's Note: Keep the posts short, spend cards like they're burning a gaping hole in your breeches, and try to be as creatively offensive as possible. You know that slow, ponderous, character-building style that's all over Storium? This ain't that, folks. Keep shit moving.**
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Halfling: You’re small but earnest, brave in a pinch, cunning and sly.
  
  ...
  
  Suggested Strength: Witty
  
  Suggested Weakness: Naïve
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Elf: Your ancient people are few, these days, but by your will and grace the world shall be bettered.
  
  ...
  
  Suggested Strength: Wise
  
  Suggested Weakness: Proud
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Dwarf: Your folk are fortifying themselves beneath the ground, yet you seek adventure on the surface.
  
  ...
  
  Suggested Strength: Resilient
  
  Suggested Weakness: Obsessed
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Warrior: Long have you trained for, and dreamt of, battle and adventure. No longer shall you wait for it.
  
  ...
  
  Suggested Strength: Strong
  
  Suggested Weakness: Dull-witted
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Wizard: You’re a rare sort: a genuine wizard. The fate of the land falls to folk as versed and wise as you.
  
  ...
  
  Suggested Strength: Wizardly
  
  Suggested Weakness: Frail
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Thief: That you’re a thief is not in dispute but your motives may be good and true.
  
  ...
  
  Suggested Strength: Stealthy
  
  Suggested Weakness: Conniving
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Cleric: You have dedicated yourself to the ways of faith so as to help and heal.
  
  ...
  
  Suggested Strength: Wise
  
  Suggested Weakness: Contemplative
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Paladin: As the landed lords and ladies have their knights of the realm, so does the temple have you.
  
  ...
  
  Suggested Strength: Strong
  
  Suggested Weakness: Proud
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Druid: You practice and protect the old ways, minding the beasts and the land with wisdom and care.
  
  ...
  
  Suggested Strength: Cunning
  
  Suggested Weakness: Oafish
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Ranger: No shining knight are you. You protect the common folk from the evils treading in from the wild.
  
  ...
  
  Suggested Strength: Dextrous
  
  Suggested Weakness: Brutish
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Strong: Strong of body.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Dextrous: Quick and precise of hand and eye.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Cunning: Intelligent, even ingenious.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Resilient: Able to withstand or recover from difficulty and pain.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Wise: Experienced and informed about the ways of the world.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Charming: Attractive, persuasive, and likable.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Witty: Quick on your feet, funny, and likable.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Educated: Well schooled and informed about the facts of the land.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Wizardly: In command of some measure of magical power.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Stealthy: Quiet and surreptitious in nature or demeanor.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Cowardly: Your fear holds you back sometimes.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Oafish: Uncultured and indelicate, perhaps even clumsy.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Contemplative: You tend toward thought over action to the point that is can cause you trouble.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Frail: Physically weak, perhaps due to age or injury.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Naïve: Inexperienced and perhaps too trusting.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Brutish: Insensitive, unsubtle, and forceful.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Dull-witted: Your mind is like a blunted blade: effective but imprecise.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Proud: Sometimes your confidence sours into arrogance.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Obsessed: You’re preoccupied with your interests to the point of causing you trouble.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Conniving: You scheme, you conspire, and you are sometimes careless about lawbreaking.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Explore!: Go where you’ve never been before and share your experiences through song and story.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Resist Mundanity: Avoid the draw and distraction of the mundane in favor of headier, more spiritual affairs.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Through Right Crafting: You’re building something greater than yourself, something that will better this land.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Defeat Evil: It’s not enough to withstand the darkness or to survive. You must push it back.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Keep Your Secrets: Protect your secrets and maintain the façade that makes you seem wiser and more capable than maybe you are.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Retrieve What’s Lost: Not everything is where it belongs in this world. You take things ... and put them where you say they belong.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Heal the Sick: People are suffering and it is your duty to heal them, bodily and spiritually.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Put the Dead to Rest: The unsettled dead are a danger and an affront. They cannot be allowed to persist. Slay them.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Heal the Land: Heal the wounds caused by wicked monsters and human machinations even if you cannot prevent them.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Protect the Meek: Take it upon yourself to defend the innocent people of the land from the perils within and without.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Rescue the Lost Adventurer: Poor Wat Greenfoot’s mission has turned to misadventure. Rescue him from the Mad Caves before it’s too late!
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Slay the Monster of the Mad Caves: Unless the monstrous creature lairing in the Mad Caves is dealt with for good, it shall linger and hurt more folk.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Chart the Mad Caves: The Mad Caves were once carved like a rune into the mountain. Explore them fully to decipher that rune.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Plunder the Catacombs: The old catacombs are full of precious grave goods and treasures going to waste down there.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Recover A Dwarf-made Treasure: The Mad Caves once teemed with Dwarf miners. Bring back some token of their handiwork.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Restore Peace in the Catacombs: Those buried in the ancient catacombs deserve peace. Give those graves some semblance of honorable rest.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Impress Sir Gwyndolyn: The king’s daughter, a knight called Sir Gwyndolyn, may task you with grand quests if you prove your mettle to her.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Impress Brother Conway: Brother Conway knows the land and its people and can teach you much if he finds you worthy of the lore.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Find the Gilded Skull: The fabled Gilded Skull has been lost for a generation — and coveted by the royal family. Riches if you find it.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Slay One Dozen Boars: Wild boars roam the countryside in alarming numbers these days. Cull their ranks for the good of all.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Map of the Mad Caves: This sketchy, paper map of the Mad Caves was started by an adventurer hoping for riches, but it’s incomplete.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Enchanted Sword: Fine swords such as these were once common across the land, combining Dwarf steel with Elf magic.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: A Few Loose Coins: It’s no great treasure, but perhaps it’s a start.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Skull Key: A sturdy iron key with a metal skull for a grip, this supposedly unlocks the ancient catacombs.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Gilded Skull: A human skull, dipped in gold, with three gems for each eye. A ghastly gift buried by the ancients.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Ever-bright Torch: A simple-looking torch that burns bright until commanded, in Elvish, to stop.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Cloak of the Raven: This shiny black garment makes on hard to see and slows a fall — at least for a few feet.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Elven-make Ring: Ancient rings mades by the Elves like this once held great power, but most have lost their might.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: A Bloody Big Axe: Cruel-looking, heavy, and chipped... but sharp!
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Potion of Hope: A simple glass vial, corked. Runes meaning “vital” are etched into the glass.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Dragon Rampant Inn: This cozy place’s sign depicts a heraldic dragon with three paws raised to strike. The folk here couldn’t be nicer.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Old Wizard’s Tower: This half-crumbling old tower by the lake is where wizards meet, when wizards meet, which is rare these days.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Temple of the Wise: The only proper temple for miles, this modest building is mostly a nave and an altar for common worship.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Castle in the Lake: Built in a grander time, this walled-in keep stands on a rock in the lake, reachable by a bridge of old stones.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: The Bonepit: Little more than a deep, dry well now, the so-called Bonepit leads to the ancient catacombs beneath the village.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Tunnels of the Mad Caves: Supposedly an ancient Dwarf-mine, the Mad Caves are a maze of rumored treasures and certain danger.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Cavern of Anguish: The heart of the Mad Caves is Küzarn Curune, “Cavern of Anguish,” where many Dwarven miners perished in accidents.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: The Lair: Dank and rank, this bone-strewn cave is surely the lair of something large, ravenous, and smelly.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Ancient Catacombs: The ancients buried their dead in catacombs at the lake’s edge, but the place half-flooded and was forgotten.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Treasure Vault: A long-forgotten cavern that once glittered with silver and diamonds ... and might not be exhausted yet.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Ruined Bridge: The bridge across the Old River has washed out and the fjord here has always been dangerous.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Riddle at the Gate: The priests who sealed these doors etched a riddle into them, warning visitors and rebuking grave-robbers.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Checkerboard Corridor: This long passage of checkered slate is lined with little holes and recesses—perfect for hiding lethal traps.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Crushing Walls Chamber: A pressure plate on the floor triggers a trap meant to squash grave-robbers!
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Clawing Hands: The walls of this passage are lined with ancient bones. Even now they gather and form reaching, clawing hands!
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Dwarf-make Door: A crack in the wall betrays the existence of a secret door still held secure by an ingenious, complex locking mechanism.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Crystal Song: The crystals in this chamber sing and thrum out notes that threaten to enchant any who listen to them.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Dwarf-make Bridge: A narrow bridge of finely cut stones leads ahead ... if it holds.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Orb of Fire: Is this swirling mass of molten fire some kind of trap? Or some kind of spirit?
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: The Storm: A dreadful squall pours down rain, making every movement into an ordeal.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Burrick the Innkeeper: The quiet, rotund keeper of the local inn hears all the tales and knows how to ply a patron to get a story told.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Sir Gwyndolyn of the Lake: Born in the capital but raised in the Castle in the Lake, this knightly princess sees the local people as hers to protect.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Mad Adventurer: Raving and wild-eyed, this poor panicked soul claims to be the only escapee of a misadventure in the Mad Caves.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Pointy-toothed Goblins: Hungry, nasty, pointy-toothed goblins dwell in the wilderness and the caves, striking out to steal sheep and pies.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Hulking Ogre: A brutish hulk, shaped roughly like a man but thrice as tall, with a tree limb for a club. It reeks something fierce.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Creeping Ooze: What might at first seem to be a slick of mold can turn out to be a vile, dissolving patch of malicious ooze.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Razor-tusked Boar: Wild boar roam the countryside, eating pets and crops and scaring the common folk.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Stalking Skeletons: Yellowed bones striding and striking on their own, driven by will or ire or anguish alone.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Wat Greenfoot: Poor Wat Greenfoot was part of a misadventure in the Mad Caves and soon he’ll be made into porridge for an ogre.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Brother Conway: Wise and kind, this monkish fellow travels about the land, healing and teaching. They say he has elf blood in him.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Triple Kill: Kill three orcs in one move.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Make Someone Vomit: Do it. I don't care how.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Bucket: Use it well, or you'll kick it.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Some Thing: What is it? Who cares.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Turncoat: Somehow make an orc do your dirty work for you.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Saw: See the saw? You saw it? Good.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Long Thing: Can't see shit, but this thing is long.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Living Thing: Can't see shit, but this thing is living.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: The Return of the Floppy Club Maneuver: Swing somebody by the ankles.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: GTFO: Nothing matters but your escape. Do something despicable to get away.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Think of the CHILDREN!: You've got a soft spot for the little'ns. You can't just leave them there.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Let it All Happen: Get the fuck off to the side and let it all happen. Maybe take a nap while you're at it.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Rock: Can't see shit, but it's a fucking rock. You can just tell.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Spiky Thing: Can't see shit, but this thing is spiky.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Skinnin' Pliers: Supposed to be for welding, but goddamn it, you always needed it more for catfish. They get big in the creek. Noodle at your own risk.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Summoning Die: Summons the Black Knight, in one of his many incarnations. Just...for fuck's sake, don't roll a 1.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Mud: It's mud.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Thumbsockets: Gouge, motherfucker. GOUGE.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Mud: It's mud.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Die: You heard me. 
  
  *Don't worry. I'll let you back in the game with a new character. (I'll give your new character something awesome too.)*
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Smashed Zombie Sheep Companion: Through thick and thin, curdled and runny, this slithering, woolly bag of bones and putrid meat will faithfully serve you.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Shovel Head: I'm not calling you names; that's what it is. The head of a fucking shovel.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Graves Family Farm: What's left of it.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Altar Bitch (Cleric): You get laughed at a lot, but hey, they always come to you when they get busted up.
  
  ...
  
  Suggested Strength: Wise
  
  Suggested Weakness: Contemplative
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Dirt Magicker (Druid): You do the old magic, the down-and-dirty junk the old ladies taught you. If it grows or shits in the woods, it's yours.
  
  ...
  
  Suggested Strength: Cunning
  
  Suggested Weakness: Oafish
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Wander-Arounder (Ranger): Home is where the noise is. So you walk around outside. Sometimes you walk really far and come to dangerous places. 
  
  ...
  
  Suggested Strength: Dextrous
  
  Suggested Weakness: Brutish
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Goody Two-Shoes (Paladin): Are you adopted?! What's is wrong with you? 
  
  ...
  
  Suggested Strength: Strong
  
  Suggested Weakness: Proud
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Book Magicker (Wizard): You can read! Congratu-fuckin-lations! And, as a result, you can do some nasty shit.
  
  ...
  
  Suggested Strength: Wizardly
  
  Suggested Weakness: Frail
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Bad Human Being (Warrior): You're the nasty one. The one nobody can put down in a fair fight.
  
  ...
  
  Suggested Strength: Strong
  
  Suggested Weakness: Dull-witted
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Stealer (Thief): Nobody trusts you, but that's okay; you have their shit.
  
  ...
  
  Suggested Strength: Stealthy
  
  Suggested Weakness: Conniving
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Fuckin' Orcs!: It's an old tactic: raid a place, wait for the stragglers to come back to bury their dead, then hit 'em again. You fell for it. Shovels up, bitches.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Ass-Beating Lane: Same shitty road. New situation. Y'all are about to get your asses beat.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Elbows, BITCH!: Stop caring who you hurt. Throw yourself around. Bloody some noses.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Gooey Thing: Can't see shit, but this thing is gooey.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Take One for the Family: Get involved, save a family member's skin, and pay for it.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: The Black Knight: He's gone Mr. Hyde on you. Everything from the way he moves to the tone of his voice tells you you're fucked. There's no victory here, only escape.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: The Ol' Wiggle Waggle: Distract the knight by doing something nasty.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Creepy-Ass Eyes: Holy shit, you're not imagining it. 
  
  EYES.
  
  IN THE DARK.
  
  Find what they're attached to and kill 'em!
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: The Floppy Club Maneuver: Swing somebody by the ankles.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Orcsty Valley: The filthy, disgusting, taint-smelling home of Pigface and the fucking orcs that killed your parents.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Pigface: The douche. He led the raid that killed your fucking family!
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Towelmasters: Naked orcs with razor-sharp towels. 'Nuff said.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Hole Demon: You rolled a one. Now you gotta deal with this asshole.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Lazy Loner: You've got no friends, you've never had any, and you can't be bothered with making any. Meeting people takes up way too much of your time and energy, so you'd rather stay at home all day and do nothing.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Efficiency: You don't have much energy, so you have learned how to conserve it. You can fulfill any task with minimal effort and always have time left for something else.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Laziness: You could do anything you can imagine - climb mountains, learn new languages, really anything. If you ever felt like it. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe next week.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Chill: All you want is a comfortable life. Stay at home, eat, sleep, with nobody bothering you - except your family maybe, because you're used to them. Actually, it would be best if everything just stayed the way it is.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Inarticulate(Tongueless): Having no tongue makes it very difficult to communicate with those around. Not very handy in a battle situation where being able to verbally warn a comrade could save his life.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: The Bloodbath: Drip loves to fight! loves to be tested and loves to kill orcs! BRING THE FIGHT!!!!!!
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Disturbing Motherfucker (Necromancer): You were left alone way too much as a kid. You're the reason pets disappeared.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Healin' and Feelin': You can heal people.  And you can dole out feels.  Good ones and bad ones, depending.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Pompous A-Hole: You are educated in a religiously moral code and it has made you an arrogant shit.  You're as bad as a paladin.  Congratulations - you make everything worse when you're like that.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: CONVERSION: People better listen up - you're a holy priest with a weapon, dammit!  Sermonize and demoralize until they drink the Kool-Aid.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Gassy: A lot of things make Benny gas and he's not always a good judge of if it will be just a fart.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Afraid of the Night: Indoors dark or the dark of the sun-warmed bellies of dead cattle, that was fine. The dark that came in the absence of the sun, that enveloped the world and brought with it beasts and crawlers that could see her when she couldn't see them?
  
  Fuck that shit.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: "The Clerical Error!": Krugg's signature finishing move.  It's a combination flying elbow-body slam-uppercut-eye gouge.
conversations.from: human
conversations.value: Inspired: You are filled with the salty, slightly bitter spirit of Frong.
conversations.from: gpt
conversations.value: Third Nipple: Count 'em.