conversations: human
conversations:  An Indeterminate Amount of Time Following Chrysalis' Down to the Wire Executions 
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  “You're not Dr. Freud.”
  
  In response, a warm chuckle comes from the teleconference receiver. The stallion on the other end of the call adjusts his glasses and says: “Dr. Freud is on personal leave right now. I'm helping to handle his case load as a professional courtesy. My name is Dr. Crutch-- it's an interesting name, I know. And you're Lt. Sniper Scope?”
  
  “That would be correct.” Sniper adjusts his chair and spends a moment seizing up the psychiatrist.
  
  “Then it is a pleasure to formally meet you.” Crutch nods. “I apologize that it's taken us so long to talk following the events of the  Pacification Protocol . Our caseload and your work load have not been very cooperative in terms of scheduling. Now then, from what I'm told, you've been going through some hard times as of late.”
  
  Sniper shrugs off the promptto elaborate: “There have been worse times; there have been bettertimes. I'm surviving.”
  
  “And is surviving all that matters to you?”
  
  “Considering that I was almost blown to bits by an exploding ship reactor, I'd say it's enough for the moment.” The words are sharper than intended. There's something about this doctor that annoys Sniper. Although just what that was eludes him.
  
  “It's a laudable immediate goal, certainly.”
  
  “But that's not enough for you, is it?”
  
  Crutch broadens his hooves in a placating manner. “While immediate survival is certainly an integral part of your job; in my experience, it is a very vague long-term goal. Survival can mean many things. Not all of those meanings bring happiness.”
  
  Sniper sighs. “I shoot who you tell me to shoot. I try not to get shot in return. Isn't that enough for you?”
  
  “Perhaps for the moment. But I'd prefer you have something to live for after the shooting stops. I'd like for you to have a happy life. I think we all owe you that much after your years of dedicated service.”
  
  “You don't owe me anything. I haven't done anything.” Sniper says.
  
  Crutch smiles. “Nearly getting blown to bits by an exploding ship reactor doesn't count?”
  
  There's a short pause.
  
  “Touche.”
  
  “This isn't a contest, Lt. Scope. I'm not an opponent or an enemy. Right now, we need you mentally healthy and mentally competent. Acknowledging your successes are a part of that.” Crutch studies his patient's body language then asks: “And you disagree?”
  
  Sniper frowns-- caught. “Instinctively.”
  
  “Tell me why.”
  
  The irritation factor increases. “Because I don't think my contributions count. They  shouldn't count. After the things I've done and the things that I'll do in the future.” Sniper breaks off and looks away. “I shouldn't be acknowledged. I'm not a hero.” He rights his gaze. “Intellectually, I know that outlook is wrong. Emotionally, however...”
  
  Sniper trails off and leaves the sentence unfinished. Crutch lets it fall away without comment. Instead, he asks: “Lt. Scope, can I share an observation with you?”
  
  A shrug is the only answer.
  
  “When all is said and done, we are the ones who choose how to define ourselves. We can define ourselves by our mistakes or we can define ourselves by our successes--”
  
  “-- and I should start defining myself by success.” Sniper interjects.
  
  Crutch shakes his head to the negative. “Not at all. Choosing to define ourselves solely by success blinds us to those character traits and shortcomings that enabled our failures. I suggest that we all take abalanced view of ourselves. We have successes, we have failures, and we should define ourselves accordingly.”
  
  At that moment, Sniper realizes what it is about Crutch that irritates him. The stallion was almost overwhelmingly sincere. He genuinely wanted others to be at peace in their life. Like Love. Well, that explains things.
  
  “A balanced outlook on life. I've, well... been working on that.” Sniper admits.
  
  Crutch's voice softens. “I hope so, Lt. Scope. I truly hope so. In light of that, how do you see yourself?”
  
  It became apparent that Crutch wasn't going to move the conversation along until Sniper answered, and the doctor's patience proved greater than the soldiers'.
  
  “I'm not a good stallion. I don't know that I'll ever be. Right now, I'm trying not to be a bad one. I don't know that's enough.”
  
  “It might be for the moment. It seems to be enough for those around you, and Lt. Croix in particular since you two are--” Crutch catches sight of his patient's frown and asks: “-- has something happened between you two, Lt. Scope?”
  
  A dark look prefaces Sniper's explanation: “We broke up. We're no longer seeing each other. Lt. Croix is seeing Captain Tape now.”
  
  “Ah. I'm sorry to hear that.” It was more than a platitude. Crutch seems genuinely remorseful. “Our files must not have been updated yet. May I ask what happened?”
  
  Sniper takes a deep breath.
  
  “It was a bad situation start to finish. I had too many neurotic issues for any intimate relationship to work-- issues with physical contact and intimacy. After one date, Lieut-- Rose... I don't know what to call it. We hadn't decided anything about exclusivity. But the day after our date she had two one-night stands. One of which was so far outside protocols it threatened her entire career. You've read my file. I'm sure you've seen my history. Her actions sparked those old demons. I wanted to lash out at her. Let the hooves fly. After a near-death experience, I had an emotional crisis, looked at my tendencies, and thought that there wasn't any love in our relationship. I told her that I didn't love her, that I was struggling not to hit her and she did the right thing by breaking it all off.”
  
  “And did you ever love her?”
  
  Sniper's shoulders slump. “... Yes.” He slowly begins to explain: “At the time, I genuinely thought that I didn't. The lack of empathy and the domestic abuse-- it made too much sense-- but afterward I, er, I realized otherwise. But, I couldn't ask for us to get back together. Not when I knew Red Tape was waiting in the wings and-- and she could end up with a better stallion. She deserves better than me.”
  
  “If you'll forgive me, Lt. Scope, your closing comment sounds like a rationalization.”
  
  “Maybe. But it lets me sleep at night.”
  
  “Not very well, I imagine.”
  
  Sniper's mouth twitches in amusement.
  
  Crutch falls silent and lets the conversation cool before saying anything else. Eventually, he speaks again: “Lt. Scope, what is that made you want to lash out? What prompted you to want to hit her?”
  
  “She cheated on me the day after our date. It hurt. I wanted to hurt her back.” He looks at the doctor as though the answer is self-evident.
  
  “Hm. Forgive me, but I think there's more to it than that. I think there's something deeper.”
  
  Sniper shrugs, but makes no other answer.
  
  “From what I've seen and read: you're an emotional stallion, but not in that fashion. You don't lash out because of personal pain, but because of perceived injustice. What injustice did she do to you, Lt. Scope?” Crutch asks.
  
  “She cheated on me.” Sniper says simply, if not comfortably.
  
  “And for that you wanted to leave. But you didn't. Did you want to strike her because she trapped you in a painful relationship?”
  
  “No, I forgave her for the fling. I...”
  
  “Did you really? Or are you only saying so?”
  
  “No! I really did. I stayed in the relationship for her. I didn't hold her sleeping around against her.”
  
  “You must have held something against her or you wouldn't have wanted to strike her. What did she do to you?”
  
  “I-- I--” Agitation chokes off Sniper's words.
  
  “You know the truth, Lt. Scope. Admit it.”
  
  Sniper snaps upright. His chair slides backward.
  
  Crutch doesn't stop: “And until you admit the truth, Lt. Scope, you're never going to get past this abusive streak.”
  
  Sniper turns to storm out of the room.
  
  “What. Did. She. Do?”
  
  Sniper whirls around to face Crutch. His hoof crashes into the table. His voice is loud, venomous: “They forgave her!”
  
  Crutch says nothing, so Sniper continues: “She has an affair that jeopardizes the entire EDF, that puts us all at great risk and everyone falls all over themselves to forgive her! They defend her, intervene for her, take her back-- I took her back!”
  
  Spent, Sniper collapses into his chair. A hoof covers his eyes and he finishes the explanation: “And they've never done the same for me... Because they don't see me as a friend. They see me as a project-- something to be fixed. Something to be made normal like every pone else. Because... Rose is a good pony and I'm... I'm not.”
  
  Silence falls between the two. It lasts for nearly a full minute before Crutch continues the interview.
  
  “Lt. Scope, I'm sorry for pushing you to the breaking point. I hope you can see why I had to do so. Now that we've reached the core genesis of why you struggle so much with domestic abuse, we can begin unraveling the problem so that it's resolved and you don't have to deal with it any longer. Are you ready to do that?”
  
  More silence. More indecision. Then, finally, a verdict. Sniper nods slowly and sadly.
  
  “I'm... I'm ready, Dr. Crutch.”
  
  “Then here is the first thing I want you to understand: I am not fixing you...”
conversations: D.KnightSpider: