Papercutter Penis (A Short Story)
PENECTOMY
Picture planter stumped
` `

We had gotten used to it at RiteSoft. Every few days, a scream from one of the
girls would shatter the morning routine. Or, it might be one of the guys,
letting a stream of profanity loose from a cubicle after the discovery of yet
another picture of a guy’s erect dick. This had been going on for months, it
was always the same dick, Xeroxed and left in a picture frame or file folder
around different peoples desks. We have about a 120 people who work here. Most
of us are 20ish and pretty open-minded. We figured after a few times, we’d
find out who it was at a party or something and all have a good laugh.

It started to get creepy when it just kept happening and the joke was way
over. Without having everyone at RiteSoft whip their schlongs out, there was
no way to know who the mystery penis belonged to. What was remarkable about
the copied cock was how unremarkable it was. Standard US issue dick, about
61/2 inches long, circumcised and an average width.

It got even creepier when the photocopied phallus began appearing in peoples
cars and at home in their bedrooms and bathrooms. We tried staying late,
showing up unannounced at nights and on the weekend to no avail. One Wednesday
night, completely by accident, we struck pay dirt. Actually, I stuck pay dirt.
I met some friends for dinner, then went back to the office about 8pm to pick
up a CD I left in the burner. To my amazement, there in front of the copier,
pants around his knees, was Bob Lipschitz. No wonder we hadn’t been able to
figure out who it was. He’d gotten into some sort of trouble with the SEC for
insider trading and caused the company’s stock to founder. It had cost myself,
and some of the other software writers, 100’s of thousands in bonuses.

Bob was oblivious to my presence due to the noise of the copier. I made the
decision in an instant! I lost my bonus, Bob was gonna lose his boner.

I picked up one of those heavy tape dispensers and whacked him in the back of
the head. Almost noiselessly, he slumped to the carpet. After turning him
over, I took the paper cutter and place it on his belly. I then grabbed his
still dick and placed as much a possible on the wooden part of the cutter.
Raising the guillotine like blade as high a possible and took a deep breath.
As the blade hit Bob’s doomed dick, it made a sound similar to chopping a
crisp head of lettuce before sending it flying. It hit the copy machine with a
bloody splat.

The next morning, Bob was gone but his severed dick was found on the glass
plate of the copier with a full ream of bloody color copies and the add paper
light flashing. This was one little prick who’d never fuck anyone again,
literally or metaphorically. The rude surprises stopped and Bob was never
heard from again.

  

* * *