Nobleman's Daughter
STRAIGHT
Okay. I know that some of you will recognise this as a very old joke. However I have never picked up a reference to it in these archives so quite possibly a few of you won\'t have heard it before.
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The wealthy nobleman had a beautiful daughter who had many suitors.

The nobleman was a miserly old fart who didn't want his daughter to marry. The
mere thought of having to spring for a wedding and a dowry was enough to bring
on his palpitations.

Daughter of course desperately wanted to get married and enjoy conjugal bliss.

She kept on so much about it that in the end her father agreed - but only to a
man who was suitable.

"Suitable father?"

"If he can spend a night in the haunted turret and pass the three terrible
tests then and only then is he the man for you, my dear."

"Very well father." The daughter knew that the haunted turret wasn't really
haunted. It was just the wind and the rats there that scared people so.

Many young men accepted the challenge but they failed the three terrible
tests. They went away and were never heard of again.

One day it chanced that Robin of Yore, a blacksmith's son heard of the
terrible tests and of the beautiful woman of noble blood who would become his
bride if he were to succeed.

"Why not?" he asked himself. I'm dead skint. The family business goes to my
big brother so I've no prospects. What have I got to lose?" So he prepared for
his journey to the nobleman's castle.

Robin of Yore was a most handsome young man of great charm. It was he who had
deflowered all the virgins of the parish including little Angeline who was
only sweet sixteen - but that belongs to another story. He had charmed most of
the wives too in his village and sired not a few children in consequence.
Accordingly on the day he set out there was a grand send off such as the
village hadn't seen since the last crusade. The men turned out to make sure
that he actually went, the distaff element to see him just one last time.

When he arrived at the castle the nobleman's daughter was much taken with
Robin of Yore. He was so good looking in his best doublet and hose. His
codpiece hinted of much pleasure to come. His manners were not those of the
gentry but the nobleman's daughter didn't mind at all. She much fancied a bit
of rough. In any case, there was that last idiot, Sir David of Somewhere or
Something. He was noble but he was such a pompous arrogant twit. He thought
that he was doing them all a favour simply by being there. She'd been so
relieved that he'd failed the tests.

But she wanted this Robyn chap not to fail. He was exactly the sort of fellow
she wanted in her goose-feather bed every night. She didn't know what the
tests were but she did confide to him that the haunted turret wasn't haunted
at all.

Not that it mattered. Robin of Yore had eaten a hearty supper, quaffed plenty
of ale and seduced two of the kitchen maids. He slept like a log in that great
four poster bed. Ghosts or wind or rats didn't have a chance.

It was only when he woke up that saw that the tests had started. On his chest
was a huge piece of stone. On the side facing him were printed the words
"Terrible Test No 1. Throw this stone out the window."

It was heavy but he managed to carry the stone over to the window, rested it
on the ledge and then pushed it over. The stone turned as it fell and he had a
moment to read "Terrible Test No. 2. Stone tied to balls."

Robin's balls had got him in trouble many times before. Quick as a flash he
jumped out of the window to follow the falling stone down into the moat.

As he fell, he saw, written on the castle wall below the window ledge
"Terrible Test No. 3. Balls tied to bed."

"Oh shit!" he said aloud.

End

  

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