Size Matters
TESTICLES
How do you deal with a drunken troublemaker at a dance? You distract him.
ôHey asshole, do you know I fucked your missus before you did?ö

He was motherless drunk and looking for a fight. Iĺd cheerfully have killed
him but he was a lot bigger than me.

He was a hell of a conversation stopper too. The other three couples on our
table looked at me wondering how I was going to deal with the situation.
Fortunately the band played on. Other couples were dancing on a crowded floor
and no-one except our table seem to have heard. Oh yes. Some people from
adjacent tables turned in their chairs in expectation of entertainment.

There was a girl pulling at his arm. She looked distressed. ôRoger, come
away,ö she kept saying.

The drunk shook her off and she fell. I think she ran off at that point which
was probably the best thing she could have done.

ôThen you must be Roger,ö I said. ôYouĺre the one with the tiny prick.ö

There were titters of laughter from the girls at that. It didnĺt do anything
to improve his mood.

ôIsnĺt that right? Youĺre the one girls call Silly Willie ĺcos itĺs too small
for them to feel.ö

More laughter put Roger on the defensive. ôIt ainĺt small.ö

ôDonĺt worry Pencil Prick. We wonĺt tell anyone. Your secret is safe with us.ö

ôBut it ainĺt small. Itĺs normal.ö He was displaying all the befuddled
confusion of the drunken mind

ôMy missus wouldnĺt lie. She told me about you. She said she couldnĺt even
feel it in her. We had a good laugh about it but itĺs quite sad really.ö

Behind Roger I could see three huge bouncers making their way to our table.
Everyone else was concentrating on me and the drunk.

ôI tell you it ainĺt small.ö He was starting to get aggressive again.

ôThen prove it. Lay your little willie out on the table for all to see.ö

He wasnĺt quite drunk enough to fall for it. Then one of the girls started on
him. ôYeah come on Roger. Iĺve never seen a tiny one before.ö The other girls
picked it up, urging him on.

Even the girls from the next tables got in on it. It was quite wicked of them.

He unzipped and put his normal sized chopper out on the table for all to see.
One of the girls got to stroke it before it was whipped away. The three
bouncers manhandled Roger out of the ball room. They didnĺt even give him a
chance to put it back in his pants.

Roger got the fight he wanted. Outside the three bouncers, probably all on
steroids, beat him senseless before the police arrived. The police charged him
with being drunk and disorderly as well as indecent exposure. The girls from
our table had to give evidence. The magistrate gave him six months corrective
servitude.

ôWell, I think your old flame got what he deserves,ö I remarked to my wife as
we drove home from the court.

ôMy old flame? Iĺd never seen him before in my life.ö She was highly
indignant.

Roger got another court appearance, this time to give evidence against the
bouncers for assault. Amongst other things a kick in the groin had cost him
both his balls.

  

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