 Seeing a psychiatrist and waiting for the police to fix your problems sounded well. During a week you slept in a room the police lent you (out of pity) that was located in the police department and went to see the psychiatrist. The bad thing is, this “doctor” wasn’t exactly the best in his promotion, because after some sessions in which he found absolutely nothing, he decided to send you straight to a mental asylum, saying you had some sort of “schizoidal paranoia” that had been provoked by the prolonged usage of toxic substances, or something like that. Well, maybe it’s your paranoia what makes you think he’s making all of that up, but you’ll never be sure of that, HAHAHAHA

 So you complained to the police, you asked for a new doctor… but no, the Fucking psychiatrist had the labs analyze a sample of your blood he took during your first session and in there he found a combination of toxic stuff that could be a worthy opponent to whatever is on Keith Richards’s blood, so no one believed you.

 At the present time, a cop has come and told you a van from the “medical center” is about to arrive to take you to your new location, leaving the room right after informing you. And he didn’t lock the door! This may be your last chance of escaping your fate at the mental asylum, although being back out on the streets with no memories, home, or anything sounds pretty bad, too. Not to mention, the stupid psychiatrist would probably say that you’re a dangerous individual and must be terminated
> No way, anything is better than a Mental asylum, you have to escape!
 20 seconds after the cop’s departure, you silently get out of the room and move through some corridors. Leaving through the main door when we all know someone’s coming to get you sounds pretty retarded, so you decide to hide inside the women’s toilets, pretty close to a row of people waiting for who knows what.

 You hear some noise 5 minutes later, but no cops come anywhere close to your hiding place. When the place goes back to normal, you leave the toilets and run to the emergency exit, leaving the building through it. Funny how you found an emergency exit, especially one that wasn’t even remotely guarded, you know…

 You ask the first person you see the road to the closest bus station. Once you get there, you steal a wallet off some stupid tourist, grab all of his money, and buy a ticket for the first bus leaving the city. You also say that you found this wallet on a bank in the station (such a nice guy you are, eh ;) )

 Once in the bus, you recall how extremely easy robbing was for you, maybe you could do this to survive. Like, you might even have been a robber before the incident, because that was easier that saying your own name (eh… wait, I can’t really use this comparisson effectively with you)

 “Meh, whatever”, you think, “as soon as I get to wherever this bus is taking me to, I’ll make those cops regret not having found my identity and decide sending me to a mental asylum by becoming the best robber in the district, hahahaha”

 Yes, you will do that… For some reason, you have a feeling that your attempt won’t go that badly, but that’s another tale. Congratulations on being alive, even if this isn't the best possible ending

 END


“Whatever, I'm freaking out for nothing. Screw him if he’s following me, let him run and chase me and interrogate me if that’s his intention", you think as you keep walking.

 For some reason I think you wouldn’t have thought that way before having your memories erased. I’m not sure what would you have thought, but not that, certainly; whatever, let’s go back to the interesting thing.

 You reach the Police Department with no problems at all, so you suppose your “pursuer” simply happened to have the same route as you. After some minutes thinking on what the hell are you going to tell the police officer in front of you, and noticing that you don’t even have a wallet or some sort of identification, or money, or ANYTHING (except for a cool-looking lighter stored in your right pocket), you decide a serious approach will be the best way to finish this. Problem is, taking “a serious approach” is complicated in your current position:

You: “Hi, do you think you could you help me with some problem I have?”

She: “What is it?”

You: “Thing is… I’m really… disoriented… I’ve woken up in a house I didn’t know, with no identifications or anything, and I can’t remember anything about myself. The owner of the place didn’t recognize me, but he suggested I came here”

She: “Well… Eh… I think it’s the first time I’ve heard something like that. Be honest: Are you on drugs and/or alcohol?”

You: “O.o… No, not that I can remember… Why does everyone ask me that question?”

 After a while, she informs you that they have no reports of any missing person who might fit your description. She also says that an investigation to find out who are you may start if you wish so, and while they are at it you could go see a psychiatrist or they could give you a new, temporal identity and some money so you can go and do something useful, you fucking junkie (alright, she doesn’t use those words, but that’s the impression you get, anyways)
> You get a new identity until the investigation is over
 You think the prospect of answering random questions a man asks you sounds too similar to going back to school for your liking, so you accept a new identity and the police lends you a crappy spare room they have in the department (until you find something better or die, probably).

 They suggest you ask for a job at some places marked in a list titled (although crossed out now) “local businessmen who employ ex-cons”. None of them sound particularly appealing to you, so you close your eyes and randomly choose one, which happens to be some “scrap metal” business

 You know, maybe the salary isn’t great (it’s around the same amount as the one you pay monthly for your newly acquired crappy apartment), but removing pieces of cars is funny, and after some time you might have learned enough to get a new job at a better place, a workshop or something. Well, that’ll depend entirely on you and how much does this thing really interest you.

 Of course, the police never found out anything about who were you supposed to be. But hey, you can’t really miss something you can’t remember, right?

END


“Whatever, I'm freaking out for nothing. Screw him if he’s following me, let him run and chase me and interrogate me if that’s his intention", you think as you keep walking.

 For some reason I think you wouldn’t have thought that way before having your memories erased. I’m not sure what would you have thought, but not that, certainly; whatever, let’s go back to the interesting thing.

 You reach the Police Department with no problems at all, so you suppose your “pursuer” simply happened to have the same route as you. After some minutes thinking on what the hell are you going to tell the police officer in front of you, and noticing that you don’t even have a wallet or some sort of identification, or money, or ANYTHING (except for a cool-looking lighter stored in your right pocket), you decide a serious approach will be the best way to finish this. Problem is, taking “a serious approach” is complicated in your current position:

You: “Hi, do you think you could you help me with some problem I have?”

She: “What is it?”

You: “Thing is… I’m really… disoriented… I’ve woken up in a house I didn’t know, with no identifications or anything, and I can’t remember anything about myself. The owner of the place didn’t recognize me, but he suggested I came here”

She: “Well… Eh… I think it’s the first time I’ve heard something like that. Be honest: Are you on drugs and/or alcohol?”

You: “O.o… No, not that I can remember… Why does everyone ask me that question?”

 After a while, she informs you that they have no reports of any missing person who might fit your description. She also says that an investigation to find out who are you may start if you wish so, and while they are at it you could go see a psychiatrist or they could give you a new, temporal identity and some money so you can go and do something useful, you fucking junkie (alright, she doesn’t use those words, but that’s the impression you get, anyways)
> You decide the Police is useless here and try going somewhere else
 You were wise choosing not to trust the police. Or perhaps you weren't, who knows :D Anyways, you feel that you can’t trust them to really help you on this matter, and before they can ask you more questions, you walk out of the building.

 Soon after leaving, a blond 20 year-old guy walks up to you and asks you if you've got a light.

 You do have a lighter, indeed (although you don’t really know why), so you lend it to him. As he starts smoking, you wonder why would you keep a lighter and not a wallet, and you think you’ve been quite stupid to leave the flat without thinking on *that* detail.

Guy: *as he smokes* “Yeah, it certainly has been an stupid movement by your part, but you shouldn’t really feel guilty about it. You’re fucking confused right now, after all”

You: “Uh? What did you say?”

Guy: *giving you the lighter back* “Me? No, nothing. But you seem kinda cool, come meet me later at the Kasi bar. You only have to go straight ahead in that direction, you’ll see it easily. Tell them Dani told you to go and have something to drink. See you there!” *running away*.

 Well, booze probably brought you to this situation, and when you have a drinking problem drinking more is rarely the way to fix it. On the other hand, this Dani has invited you to go, and it’s very rude to ignore an invitation, especially when you have NO MONEY AT ALL with you.


 This man clearly wants to get rid of you, so 5 minutes later you have been given clear instructions to reach the closest police department, being wished “good luck” and had the door locked right behind you as you left the flat.

 You walk towards the police department as fast as you can because the whole “I can’t remember a thing” is freaking you out. Wait, maybe the thing that’s freaking you out is that man dressed in a dark blue suit who is following you. Isn’t he?

 “Damn, someone traded my memories for a DAMN MENTAL ILLNESS CALLED PARANOIA”, you think
> You stop and run back to face your possible pursuer
 You turn around and walk up to the dark-blue-suited man, who at this particular moment seemed to be really interested in the clothes of a random shop.

You: “Hey, why are you following me?”

He: “Hmm now that you mention it… yes, I’ve been following you”

You: “Damn, I’ve already noticed that, now can you answer my question and tell me why?”

He: “Well… the fact that you are here talking to me instead of running away implies that you don’t remember us. Which puts me in a moral dilemma because, you know, I’ve been sent to kill you because you escaped our operation base knowing who we are. But it’s obvious you don’t really know it. But shit, I've just told you that…”

You: “wait, what? O.o”

He: “Ah, shit, I’ll have to kill you”
> You punch him in the face and Try to escape
 You punch him and turn to run as fast as you can to try getting him off your heels

 Your move apparently caught him off-guard, and this has given you a small distance, but you should choose where to go to, quickly.

 You may try running straight ahead the street you are at, which is pretty big and crowded, hoping the man will not start shooting everything on sight to get you, or turning to one of the smaller streets left, with less people and probably better places to hide at
> You run down the main street
 You run. You run like a damn paranoid being escaping from some unknown thing… wait, that’s pretty much what you are.

 Your follower has apparently gotten lost somewhere on the way. Good for you (I guess)


 You punch him and turn to run as fast as you can to try getting him off your heels

 Your move apparently caught him off-guard, and this has given you a small distance, but you should choose where to go to, quickly.

 You may try running straight ahead the street you are at, which is pretty big and crowded, hoping the man will not start shooting everything on sight to get you, or turning to one of the smaller streets left, with less people and probably better places to hide at
> You try the side streets
 Well, that was a bad move. Sure they were smaller streets, but since there weren't enough people complicating his task, the suited man managed to follow you all the way to a dead end where no one else was present, shooting you dead right there without any more ceremonies

Ouch :(

END


 You turn around and walk up to the dark-blue-suited man, who at this particular moment seemed to be really interested in the clothes of a random shop.

You: “Hey, why are you following me?”

He: “Hmm now that you mention it… yes, I’ve been following you”

You: “Damn, I’ve already noticed that, now can you answer my question and tell me why?”

He: “Well… the fact that you are here talking to me instead of running away implies that you don’t remember us. Which puts me in a moral dilemma because, you know, I’ve been sent to kill you because you escaped our operation base knowing who we are. But it’s obvious you don’t really know it. But shit, I've just told you that…”

You: “wait, what? O.o”

He: “Ah, shit, I’ll have to kill you”
> You try to negotiate with him
You: “Wait a second! You don’t have to kill me, I don’t even know what are you talking about, what’s this thing about me having escaped, anyways?”

He: “Hey, what can I do? I have my orders”

You: “Hell if I know… take me back to the place from where I escaped, for instance?”

He: “Well, that sound like a good idea, yeah”

 He leads you to his car and once there he drives you to who knows where, which seems to be at least in the other side of the city.

 During the relatively short journey you wonder what’s the deal with this guy, since he is supposed to kill you but doesn’t even seem to know you or be all that smart to start with. Like, it was you who suggested going back “there”, so maybe if you had said “just let me go” he might have gone and done that. And now that you think it, it certainly would have been easy to lose him in the streets of that city. Ah well, no sense crying now.

 You get out of the car accompanied by the man, and notice that you are standing in front of what appears to be a huge hospital. You realize that once you go in there, there’s no coming back, but at the same time you understand that right now you can’t do anything else other than going in there or dying, which is bad >.<

 You enter the “hospital” and the suited man leads you to some office in there. After knocking on the door and having a brief conversation with whoever is behind the door, you are eventually told to come in (the damn psycho didn’t take his eyes off you for a second while you were out there >.<). Once in the room, you see a dark-haired woman in her early thirties who looks like she’s damn bored, who is sitting in front of a laptop writing something.

She: “So... you can’t remember anything, right?”

You: “Exactly”

She: “You see, we applied some… experimental treatment on you while we were in this very hospital, and before that you accepted to work under us. When you accepted that, you knew you were accepting to work for us or we would have to kill you”

You: 'I don’t really think I would have accepted an agreement under those terms, but what can I do' “I see”

She: “However, you escaped somehow before the treatment was over, and it’s true that we think you might have been helped to escape, or even forced to do so by some outsider. That’s why we are going to allow you to join us again in the same terms”

You: “So I either join you with no chance of leaving or…?”

She: “you die, obviously. That doesn’t mean you are a prisoner here or that you’ll never get out of here in the future”

You: “Well… I suppose I have no choice…”

 Let’s say you’re now part of a special group with strange and useful powers (or something) that were “awakened” by an injection of drugs, toxic artificial things and who knows what else straight into your blood (as a mere agent, no one is going to explain the whole process to you). You are not really sure if you’ll be working under the good guys or the bad guys, and right now you don’t even know what’s your “power” (as much as that woman tells you that it’s obvious that you have one and you probably have already exhibited it spontaneously). Oh well, at least it sounds like this might be funny xD

 Well, as far as endings go, this could have been much worse, congrats!

END


Ah the basement. The refuge of all who refuse to move out of the house for whatever reason.

Some of them are dreamers who just can’t fit into proper society.

Some of them have potential, but due to personality quirks fame has escaped them.

And finally 99% of them are just downright pathetic losers that just fail at life.

So choose one of these basement dwellers and enjoy the desperation and horror of their tales! You may come to find that they are just like you. In fact chances are, you’ll think someone wrote a biography about you!
> The Ebay Escapist (This one's for the classic randomness!)
You wake up and dread the fact that you’ve entered the real world again. The dream world will have to wait until later.

You don’t like real world, never have. It’s why you like to sleep. It allows you to get away from the reality for a little while. It’s also why you prefer to hang out on your computer all night and day.

It’s not really because you’re afraid of the real world, it’s just that you don’t have that much interest in it. Sometimes it can be fascinating, but over all you just find it to be involve so much boring tedium that you’d prefer to remove yourself as much as you can from it.

It’s also probably why you’re over 18 and still living at home.

You’re a basement dweller.

Fortunately you’re one of the productive ones. You contribute to the household by buying and selling useless shit on Ebay. Unfortunately this is still “work” and as a result, it’s a hassle so you probably don’t put as much effort as you should into it. In fact you’re more inclined to keep the stuff you buy due to your interest in odd things.

Despite your limiting of outside world contact, you can’t help but feel like something different is going to happen today. You start daydreaming about possible things that could happen to you until you quickly snap yourself out of it.

As much as you’d like to waste time daydreaming, playing video games or other time wasting activities on the internet, you probably should go to “work.”

Well don’t just sit there with a thumb up your ass, you gonna buy useless shit, or sell it?
> You buy useless shit
You decide to buy more useless shit. You can never have enough, you fuckin’ obsessed pack rat.

Okay well some of this shit isn’t useless, and might even do you some good. Certain items catch your eye.

You see a car that’s made completely out of asbestos! How cool would that be? You could drive through fire and be none the worse for wear! True you rarely go out anymore, but maybe this would be the thing that could do it!

You see a bomb shelter for sale made of xentronium armor. Could be useful in these dangerous times we live in and it’ll definitely provide you more protection than the basement.

There’s a small island made of Styrofoam in the middle of the ocean. It says it’s held together by hemp. While you’ve never been one for the beaches and sun, you wonder if you could rent it out some how. Maybe movie producers would pay you to use it or something.

Actually perhaps something more practical might be good, there’s some toilet paper for sale. You know you always need that!

Finally, you see a building for sale; it doesn’t really give a description. It just says “Generic Gray Building” It might be a good thing to invest in since you’re getting tired of hearing your Mom’s moans of ecstasy at night when she’s masturbating with her 400 horse powered vibrator. A place of your own might be in order.
> You buy the car! It's Asbestoriffic!
The car! You gotta get the car! As much as you don’t fit in to society, you still have urges, and even you think that having a real life girl would be better than wackin’ it every once in awhile You figure you might get a girlfriend if you get a car. After all chicks like cars right?

Not so fast there, asbestos boy. You gotta buy it first and a few other people seem to have the same “great idea” you have.
Eventually the bidding war is won by you, for an even $5000. There goes all the money you have in the world.

You’re probably going to have to sell your prized Harlequin Baby Art Collection to make that money back, but who can put a price on the endless supply of pussy you’ll be getting from this cool car?

Eventually the car arrives outside your house along with keys and an instruction booklet on your doorstep saying “READ ME FIRST!” on the front cover.

Guess they really want you to read the instructions first.
> You read the instructions
Well you didn’t get to be a basement dweller by being adventurous so you read the instructions first. Good thing too, there’ a bunch of safety precautions to the car. Namely due to the extremely high levels of asbestos in the car, going in it without a hazmat suit would be fatal. Fortunately you just happen to have one. Unfortunately you only have one, which means that any lady that’s remotely impressed by it won’t be able to get in the thing without dying shortly thereafter. So unless you plan on becoming a necrophiliac, you have to come up with a new plan. (Though becoming a necrophiliac is plan B)

As you’re suiting up, you think about how you’re going to impress possible ladies with the car, without actually letting them get in it. You got it! A stunt! Chicks like daredevils right?

You got a bunch of compost in the backyard, A LOT. You get the idea to take that compost and put it in the middle of the street, set it on fire and then drive through it!

Enthusiastically you start grabbing compost and going through with your plan. It probably would’ve been a better idea to at least use a fuckin’ SHOVEL on the compost instead of picking it up with your fuckin’ hands you silly motherfucker. Oh well at least you’re wearing a hazmat suit

Anyway you smell REALLY awful and you’ve just made the entire block smell that way too, when you light it on fire. This act has finally come to the attention of all the neighbors who are giving you holy hell about it.

“Jesus fucking Christ! It smells like a dead bum who just sprayed diarrhea on himself during a heat wave!” one of them shouts.

An angry mob is starting to form…
> You escape in your car
Realizing you can’t possibly calm them down or fight them, you quickly get in the car and start it. The car belches toxic fumes of its own causing the mob to back off a little as they begin to puke and and tear up from all the foulness in the air.

The shortest way to escape is through the burning compost. So part of you hopes that between the puking and tears that some of the cuter chicks on the block will still see your stunt

You barrel down the flaming compost pile…

SPLUNGE

You don’t quite make it!

It seems you made the compost pile a little too thick and even at the high speed you were going the car couldn’t quite make it all the way through. Instead you got struck right in the middle of the compost until it enveloped you completely, effectively trapping you.
Fortunately the car is made of asbestos so you’re protected from getting burned to death. Unfortunately the car still runs on gasoline…

Your car explodes spectacularly throwing hot shit and asbestos pieces everywhere, not to mention killing many of the mob that were already in a state of extreme sickness at this point. The whole block is later quarantined and treated as a biohazard dump.

You of course died instantly, BUT you did get your wish! You made front page news and became a sex symbol for lonely necrophiliac women who thought you were so cool for dying in your car like that.


Well you didn’t get to be a basement dweller by being adventurous so you read the instructions first. Good thing too, there’ a bunch of safety precautions to the car. Namely due to the extremely high levels of asbestos in the car, going in it without a hazmat suit would be fatal. Fortunately you just happen to have one. Unfortunately you only have one, which means that any lady that’s remotely impressed by it won’t be able to get in the thing without dying shortly thereafter. So unless you plan on becoming a necrophiliac, you have to come up with a new plan. (Though becoming a necrophiliac is plan B)

As you’re suiting up, you think about how you’re going to impress possible ladies with the car, without actually letting them get in it. You got it! A stunt! Chicks like daredevils right?

You got a bunch of compost in the backyard, A LOT. You get the idea to take that compost and put it in the middle of the street, set it on fire and then drive through it!

Enthusiastically you start grabbing compost and going through with your plan. It probably would’ve been a better idea to at least use a fuckin’ SHOVEL on the compost instead of picking it up with your fuckin’ hands you silly motherfucker. Oh well at least you’re wearing a hazmat suit

Anyway you smell REALLY awful and you’ve just made the entire block smell that way too, when you light it on fire. This act has finally come to the attention of all the neighbors who are giving you holy hell about it.

“Jesus fucking Christ! It smells like a dead bum who just sprayed diarrhea on himself during a heat wave!” one of them shouts.

An angry mob is starting to form…
> You calm the mob down
You attempt to calm the mob down; by saying this’ll be the coolest stunt ever! The mob disagrees and proceeds to disagree with you in a physical way!

They smash you in the head with a few bricks and frog stomp you, then they take some of the compost (Using a shovel) and cover you with shit.

Then they proceed to destroy your car. The jokes on them though! By pounding and beating on the car they cause a lot of asbestos flakes and dust to go flying into the air which they breathe in, since there’s a lot of heavy breathing going on. (It IS a tiring job after all)

They all eventually get cancer from breathing in this toxic substance and die.

Of course you don’t get any enjoyment from any of this, because you’re in a coma.


The car! You gotta get the car! As much as you don’t fit in to society, you still have urges, and even you think that having a real life girl would be better than wackin’ it every once in awhile You figure you might get a girlfriend if you get a car. After all chicks like cars right?

Not so fast there, asbestos boy. You gotta buy it first and a few other people seem to have the same “great idea” you have.
Eventually the bidding war is won by you, for an even $5000. There goes all the money you have in the world.

You’re probably going to have to sell your prized Harlequin Baby Art Collection to make that money back, but who can put a price on the endless supply of pussy you’ll be getting from this cool car?

Eventually the car arrives outside your house along with keys and an instruction booklet on your doorstep saying “READ ME FIRST!” on the front cover.

Guess they really want you to read the instructions first.
> You go check out the car
You figure you can read the instructions later, you decide to check out the car first. The whole point of buying the car was to impress women so you’re in a hurry to do that.

The car is a nice white gray color and looks like a 50s type car. It’s so well designed that you almost can’t tell that it’s made out of asbestos. You get in the car and breathe deeply to get that new car smell.

And promptly fall over dead!

Asbestos causes cancer you fuckin’ moron and your car is overflowing with the stuff! Well the only good thing is it was so toxic that the “sickness process” was accelerated by 200 and killed you instantly.


You decide to buy more useless shit. You can never have enough, you fuckin’ obsessed pack rat.

Okay well some of this shit isn’t useless, and might even do you some good. Certain items catch your eye.

You see a car that’s made completely out of asbestos! How cool would that be? You could drive through fire and be none the worse for wear! True you rarely go out anymore, but maybe this would be the thing that could do it!

You see a bomb shelter for sale made of xentronium armor. Could be useful in these dangerous times we live in and it’ll definitely provide you more protection than the basement.

There’s a small island made of Styrofoam in the middle of the ocean. It says it’s held together by hemp. While you’ve never been one for the beaches and sun, you wonder if you could rent it out some how. Maybe movie producers would pay you to use it or something.

Actually perhaps something more practical might be good, there’s some toilet paper for sale. You know you always need that!

Finally, you see a building for sale; it doesn’t really give a description. It just says “Generic Gray Building” It might be a good thing to invest in since you’re getting tired of hearing your Mom’s moans of ecstasy at night when she’s masturbating with her 400 horse powered vibrator. A place of your own might be in order.
> You buy the bomb shelter! Duck and cover!
Erm, it’s like $500,000. You can’t buy it, because you’re too damn poor. Even if you sold all your stuff you still wouldn’t have enough. Your Mom might have it, but you’d have to beg for it and your Mom’s usually not pleased with you at the best of times.
> You beg Mom
You beg Mom for money, but she’s in no mood to listen to you. In fact she’s pretty pissed off at you even thinking that she’d go for this idea.

You REALLY want that bomb shelter though. You NEED it. You know the END is coming soon, so you decide to do something desperate.
> You threaten your mom in exchange for money
You grab your Limited Edition Red Ryder BB Gun and attempt to threaten mom in a less than effective manner. She doesn’t know whether to slap you or laugh at you at this point.

”Boy, I hope you’ve been doing some good drugs to excuse this behavior because I’m this close to throwing your ass out, you’re lucky I haven’t done it sooner.” She replies.
“Mom, if you know what’s good for you, you better gimme what I want! The end is coming soon and I need that money to save us!” you say still pointing your gun at her.

Your Mom is silent for a moment and then speaks.

“Well since you put it that way…”

Mom wasn’t in the marines to sit around and look pretty. She easily disarms you, punches you in both eyes, kicks you in the nuts three times and throws you out of the house!

As you lay in the gutter pondering your poor judgment, you think “The joke’s on her, here come the bombs now!”

You and 3/4ths of the Earth’s population are vaporized in a nuclear fireball death.


You beg Mom for money, but she’s in no mood to listen to you. In fact she’s pretty pissed off at you even thinking that she’d go for this idea.

You REALLY want that bomb shelter though. You NEED it. You know the END is coming soon, so you decide to do something desperate.
> You offer your mom sex in exchange for money
Uh…no. That doesn’t happen! (Sicko!)

Instead of THAT, you just beg you Mom harder for the money. Out of pity and to stop your whining, she gives you the money from her Swiss bank account and you buy the bomb shelter. You receive the location and keys soon afterwards

Soon just before the nuclear bombs start dropping, you and your Mom head to the shelter where you remain safe and live for years. Over the years naturally you and Mom become very close and begin to look at each other with greater intimacy and fall in love until one day…

(Okay, so it DID happen, but it was for love, not money!)

Eventually you and your Mom emerge from the bomb shelter and repopulate the Earth with your mutant children and found an empire that brings order to this hostile wasteland.


Erm, it’s like $500,000. You can’t buy it, because you’re too damn poor. Even if you sold all your stuff you still wouldn’t have enough. Your Mom might have it, but you’d have to beg for it and your Mom’s usually not pleased with you at the best of times.
> You buy it anyway despite the fact that you don't have the means!
You clear your mind, and ignore the common sense part of your brain that states you don’t have enough money to do that…sonofabitch it works! You buy the bomb shelter which magically appears right outside your house. It suddenly occurs to you though, that you have a VERY powerful gift…

You begin to clear your mind of every law (natural and man made) you’ve ever been taught. You are able to do amazing things! You can walk over a cliff and not fall, since you don’t “know” about gravity! You can breathe underwater, since you don’t “know” about oxygen! You begin to create things out of thin air, with just the will of your mind! You start to change the world and people marvel at your abilities and you become as a GOD, and it’s all thanks to ignorance!

Until one day someone says, “Hey you can’t do that.” And it suddenly occurs to you that you can’t, and that’s when it ALL comes crashing down.

Fortunately you had a bomb shelter to hide in during the apocalypse that happened soon afterwards. With the world destroyed you have a lot of time to think about what you did. You decide to try to make things right, starting with clearing your mind again in an attempt to “recreate” the world. It doesn’t work though. You spend the rest of your days eating spam in your bomb shelter.


You decide to buy more useless shit. You can never have enough, you fuckin’ obsessed pack rat.

Okay well some of this shit isn’t useless, and might even do you some good. Certain items catch your eye.

You see a car that’s made completely out of asbestos! How cool would that be? You could drive through fire and be none the worse for wear! True you rarely go out anymore, but maybe this would be the thing that could do it!

You see a bomb shelter for sale made of xentronium armor. Could be useful in these dangerous times we live in and it’ll definitely provide you more protection than the basement.

There’s a small island made of Styrofoam in the middle of the ocean. It says it’s held together by hemp. While you’ve never been one for the beaches and sun, you wonder if you could rent it out some how. Maybe movie producers would pay you to use it or something.

Actually perhaps something more practical might be good, there’s some toilet paper for sale. You know you always need that!

Finally, you see a building for sale; it doesn’t really give a description. It just says “Generic Gray Building” It might be a good thing to invest in since you’re getting tired of hearing your Mom’s moans of ecstasy at night when she’s masturbating with her 400 horse powered vibrator. A place of your own might be in order.
> You buy the island! It's an investment!
You decide to get the island. Its only $50! Someone attempts to buy it for $100, but you outbid them to a whopping $150. You begin to daydream about what’ll happen if you actually win the bid. You think about all the bad B-movies that take place on islands and how directors are always looking to use cheaper sets. You could rent it out for that, or possibly a cheap “island getaway” substitute for people that don’t want to spend that much on a vacation. You’ll have to check it out. It suddenly occurs to you that maybe people are already living on the island. Hey maybe the island will already have those topless island babes that you’ve seen in your “nature” magazine under your bed!

You snap out of your day dream only to realize that you’ve won the bid! You clap you hands and dance around in celebration like a monkey on crack.

Eventually you receive the exact location and make arrangements to go to the island. After a short trip to the ocean and a boat trip you are now on YOUR island. Time to explore!
> You enter the jungle
You enter the jungle. You appreciate the beauty that is the lush green jungle. This really is a nice island you think. However the cannibals on the island think it’s pretty nice too. In fact you made it even nicer for them; nothing tastes better to them than virgin flesh…

They hunt you, trap you, kill you and eat you.
(Not necessarily in that order!)

They end up selling your skull on Ebay for $500, which they use to build a new menstrual hut.


You decide to get the island. Its only $50! Someone attempts to buy it for $100, but you outbid them to a whopping $150. You begin to daydream about what’ll happen if you actually win the bid. You think about all the bad B-movies that take place on islands and how directors are always looking to use cheaper sets. You could rent it out for that, or possibly a cheap “island getaway” substitute for people that don’t want to spend that much on a vacation. You’ll have to check it out. It suddenly occurs to you that maybe people are already living on the island. Hey maybe the island will already have those topless island babes that you’ve seen in your “nature” magazine under your bed!

You snap out of your day dream only to realize that you’ve won the bid! You clap you hands and dance around in celebration like a monkey on crack.

Eventually you receive the exact location and make arrangements to go to the island. After a short trip to the ocean and a boat trip you are now on YOUR island. Time to explore!
> You walk along the shore
You walk along the shore, marveling at the fact this island is made completely out of Styrofoam and held together by hemp.

In your wonder, you begin to inspect the hemp ropes which are holding the pieces of Styrofoam together.

In your curiosity you begin to pick at a frayed rope…

And in your stupidity, you’ve just unraveled the entire island!

Well so much for renting this place, you attempt to paddle your way back to shore on a piece of Styrofoam, but you’re eaten by a very large seagull flying overhead.

Fortunately it swallowed you whole, but its digestive juices are going to make quick work of you if you don’t do something to escape, so you figure fleeing through its asshole is the best way to do this.

Fighting through the intestinal tract of the seagull to get to the “exit”, might sound like a novel idea, but it does have its consequences. First of all you’re a mile above the earth and over the water. So assuming you managed to survive the fall out of the bird’s rectum, you’d still have to contend with minor problem of drowning and sharks.

Second, you’ve done quite a bit of damage to the bird itself by crawling around in it; in fact you’ve ruptured and punctured some vital organs. It’s dying and now falling at a terrific speed.
> You jump out of the rectum and try to swim to land
Well you jump out and survive the fall, and since you do know how to swim pretty well, you also survive the drowning.

However you don’t survive the sharks…


You walk along the shore, marveling at the fact this island is made completely out of Styrofoam and held together by hemp.

In your wonder, you begin to inspect the hemp ropes which are holding the pieces of Styrofoam together.

In your curiosity you begin to pick at a frayed rope…

And in your stupidity, you’ve just unraveled the entire island!

Well so much for renting this place, you attempt to paddle your way back to shore on a piece of Styrofoam, but you’re eaten by a very large seagull flying overhead.

Fortunately it swallowed you whole, but its digestive juices are going to make quick work of you if you don’t do something to escape, so you figure fleeing through its asshole is the best way to do this.

Fighting through the intestinal tract of the seagull to get to the “exit”, might sound like a novel idea, but it does have its consequences. First of all you’re a mile above the earth and over the water. So assuming you managed to survive the fall out of the bird’s rectum, you’d still have to contend with minor problem of drowning and sharks.

Second, you’ve done quite a bit of damage to the bird itself by crawling around in it; in fact you’ve ruptured and punctured some vital organs. It’s dying and now falling at a terrific speed.
> You stay in the seagull and try to shift its weight towards land
You take a running push up against the seagull’s slowly beating heart, killing it instantly, but you knocked it just enough so its body would crash on land.

And it crashes in a spectacular bloody fashion, fortunately you used its liver as a cushion to survive the fall, you remain unharmed and in desperate need of a bath. You head home with 20 hungry cats following close behind.


You decide to buy more useless shit. You can never have enough, you fuckin’ obsessed pack rat.

Okay well some of this shit isn’t useless, and might even do you some good. Certain items catch your eye.

You see a car that’s made completely out of asbestos! How cool would that be? You could drive through fire and be none the worse for wear! True you rarely go out anymore, but maybe this would be the thing that could do it!

You see a bomb shelter for sale made of xentronium armor. Could be useful in these dangerous times we live in and it’ll definitely provide you more protection than the basement.

There’s a small island made of Styrofoam in the middle of the ocean. It says it’s held together by hemp. While you’ve never been one for the beaches and sun, you wonder if you could rent it out some how. Maybe movie producers would pay you to use it or something.

Actually perhaps something more practical might be good, there’s some toilet paper for sale. You know you always need that!

Finally, you see a building for sale; it doesn’t really give a description. It just says “Generic Gray Building” It might be a good thing to invest in since you’re getting tired of hearing your Mom’s moans of ecstasy at night when she’s masturbating with her 400 horse powered vibrator. A place of your own might be in order.
> You buy the toilet paper! It's the soft kind!
Well last time your Mom went to the supermarket she couldn’t find the soft kind. In fact, she never can find it. It’s almost like there’s a conspiracy and the super markets hide it before she gets there. Either that or she just enjoys torturing you with toilet paper that feels more like sandpaper.

But this isn’t about your paranoia, and you manage to find some toilet paper for $5, 1000 rolls of it! You buy it immediately and soon it arrives magically in front of your house. You find out why it was so cheap.

It’s wet and USED…
> You keep it, because youre cheap
You really can’t see anyone buying your shitty toilet paper; you’re still not sure why you wanted to buy it so bad yourself. Perhaps you have toilet training issues, but this isn’t about your screwed up childhood, this is about how you wasted your money! Or have you?

Upon closer inspection you realize that this is the genuine toilet paper of Elvis! You can tell by the wiping signature! You sell it back to Graceland for millions! You then proceed to buy up other famous used toilet paper and selling them, making even more millions!

Finally you decide to get out of the business and retire to your bomb shelter on your very own Styrofoam island where you live comfortably for the rest of your life.

And perhaps when you die, YOUR toilet paper will sell for millions.


Well last time your Mom went to the supermarket she couldn’t find the soft kind. In fact, she never can find it. It’s almost like there’s a conspiracy and the super markets hide it before she gets there. Either that or she just enjoys torturing you with toilet paper that feels more like sandpaper.

But this isn’t about your paranoia, and you manage to find some toilet paper for $5, 1000 rolls of it! You buy it immediately and soon it arrives magically in front of your house. You find out why it was so cheap.

It’s wet and USED…
> You try to sell it as art
You re-sell it as art. You list it as a great ornamental garden piece. Bio-degradable and good for the soil.

Yeah, you ALMOST believe that yourself. You do get a bid from some idiot though for $350, you figure you’ve made a large profit already, so you sell.

“Ha Ha! What a sucker!” you think.

Well think again toilet boy, turns out it was more valuable than you thought! It was the same toilet paper used by Elvis the day he died on the toilet! The “idiot” sells it back to Graceland for millions, and spends it on cars, girls and drugs.

You spend your $350 on more used toilet paper in the misguided attempt to get someone else’s famous toilet paper, but it turns out to be only Pat Boone’s and is worthless.


You decide to buy more useless shit. You can never have enough, you fuckin’ obsessed pack rat.

Okay well some of this shit isn’t useless, and might even do you some good. Certain items catch your eye.

You see a car that’s made completely out of asbestos! How cool would that be? You could drive through fire and be none the worse for wear! True you rarely go out anymore, but maybe this would be the thing that could do it!

You see a bomb shelter for sale made of xentronium armor. Could be useful in these dangerous times we live in and it’ll definitely provide you more protection than the basement.

There’s a small island made of Styrofoam in the middle of the ocean. It says it’s held together by hemp. While you’ve never been one for the beaches and sun, you wonder if you could rent it out some how. Maybe movie producers would pay you to use it or something.

Actually perhaps something more practical might be good, there’s some toilet paper for sale. You know you always need that!

Finally, you see a building for sale; it doesn’t really give a description. It just says “Generic Gray Building” It might be a good thing to invest in since you’re getting tired of hearing your Mom’s moans of ecstasy at night when she’s masturbating with her 400 horse powered vibrator. A place of your own might be in order.
> You buy the building. It's um... Gray
Face it; you don’t really have that much of a personality, so instead of buying any one of the more “interesting” items, you decide to get the dull gray building to match your life. Its only $2000 and nobody else wants it, so you get it with relative ease.

Alright! A place of your own, no more having to quickly erase the porn on the computer or explaining to Mom why your pants are off anymore!

After you receive the location, you quickly start packing up your shit. Until you realize you’ve got a lot of it. Hmmm, you don’t really feel like moving it all and you briefly think about selling some of your shit on Ebay, but as usual you can’t bear to part with anything. Where else are you gonna get a genuine Hitler Pez dispenser? Or the rare gay version of Star Wars? Or even that picture of you with Boudicca’s ghost?

Besides you don’t want to waste anymore time on Ebay today. You’re in a rare adventurous spirit and really wanna find out what this building’s all about. You load up your Mom’s car with as much shit as you can and drive to the building’s location. It takes you a day to get there, but you finally do it.

You’re here at the Gray Building. You’re also in the middle of nowhere! You can hear a pack of ravenous wolves in the distance. There’s only one door and no windows. Looks pretty ominous actually. Like a place where they’d do a snuff film, or perform secret government experiments.

Well in any case you DO own it, so maybe you should find out!
> You go in the Gray Building
You cautiously enter the building, but not before you take your Limited Edition Red Rider BB Gun with you.

Nothing!

There's absolutely nothing in here! No illegal underground sex club, no "Area 51" like facility. Nothing.

You can't help being slightly disappointed; well at least you don't have to worry though, its big enough to hold all your shit.

You go back to your car and proceed to gather your belongings. You kick the door open and are surprised by what you see!

You see a jungle like area, with a primitive village inside! There ARE some natives roaming around, but they haven't noticed you yet. They may or may not be friendly.

This is fuckin' bizarre to say the least!
> You close the door!
You quickly close the door and try to piece together what the fuck just happened!

You don't have as much time as you like though. Those wolves you heard earlier, must've caught your scent, because there's a pack of them on a nearby hill. The leader is jet black, has red eyes and has gotta be a mutant of some sort because he's got six legs and is fuckin' HUGE!
He sees you and howls an unearthly howl calling his fellows after you.

They'll be upon you soon and you're not gonna make it to your car in time.
> You run into the building
You'd rather take your chances with some natives than these things! At least the primitives were human! (Well you assume they were)

You rush inside and slam the door shut, locking it. The jungle and village are gone, whatever you saw before will remain a mystery because there's no trace of it now.
You wonder if it was some acid flashback you had.

It’s possible; you have done the stuff in the past. Maybe this is all just the flashback of a bad trip.

Of course the scratching at the door and inhuman noises outside sound pretty real...

Bad trip or no, there's no point in taking fuckin' chances! You stand in the center of the room and watch the door, as the banging gets more intense.
You prepare yourself, holding your BB Gun at the door and taking out your limited edition Charles Manson butcher Knife.

You stand ready, as the door looks like its going to come off its hinges, but then the noise stops and you hear the wolves padding off.

You breathe a little easier, but only for a moment. You look in utter horror as you see the alpha wolf (That would be the mutant, in case you weren't paying attention earlier) materialize out of one of the corners of the building.

It looks at you with absolute hatred and hunger.

If this IS an acid flashback, it’s a REALLY bad one!
> You kill the beast!
You begin to fire, but you BB Gun has absolutely no effect on the thing. It reaches you in no time, but not before you smash it in the face with the gun, breaking it into pieces. This temporarily stuns the beast, which allows you to take your knife and start stabbing the shit out of it. It howls and knocks you to the ground with one paw, reeling back from its bloody wound. It sprints to the other side of the building but looks to be preparing for another assault.

You actually hope it does. You've never felt so alive...
> You get ready for the next assault
Your determination and bravery are admirable. Your intelligence though is questionable!

The beast charges at you and smashes into your body as you attempt to stab it in the eye. You feel your ribs break as this blow knocks you to the ground. You feel completely out of breath. As you gasp for air, the Beast sinks its razor teeth into one of your legs and rips it off, swallowing the limb in one gulp.

You go into shock as you watch blood spraying from your stump. It’s just as well because the Beast's next move is biting your head off.


You begin to fire, but you BB Gun has absolutely no effect on the thing. It reaches you in no time, but not before you smash it in the face with the gun, breaking it into pieces. This temporarily stuns the beast, which allows you to take your knife and start stabbing the shit out of it. It howls and knocks you to the ground with one paw, reeling back from its bloody wound. It sprints to the other side of the building but looks to be preparing for another assault.

You actually hope it does. You've never felt so alive...
> You look for something else to attack it
It occurs to you, you got lucky with the knife, you need to use one the other many objects you brought with you before hell hounds were on your trail.

You hastily look into your pockets for something and find some marbles. You throw them on the ground in the hopes that the Beast will slip up.

The Beast crushes the marbles underfoot as it advances! You just barely manage to dive out of the way, as it tries to plow into you. The Beast cracks its head into the solid concrete wall and emits a painful howl. Now's your chance!

You jump on the back of the Beast and start stabbing it in the back! It howls even more and attempts to get you off of it. You are relentless! You drive the knife in and grab hold of its spine! You pull part of it out! The Beast collapses unable to move, but still wailing. You finish it off by plunging the knife into its black heart.

You're winded, you're hot, you're sweaty and you’re covered in blood. And now it appears the other wolves have finally come through the now shattered door. The wolves all seem to whimper as they sense the power of the Beast is now within you. You look at the pack, and YOU are its master now. And you feel the urge to hunt...

You have embarked on a very strange new path.


You'd rather take your chances with some natives than these things! At least the primitives were human! (Well you assume they were)

You rush inside and slam the door shut, locking it. The jungle and village are gone, whatever you saw before will remain a mystery because there's no trace of it now.
You wonder if it was some acid flashback you had.

It’s possible; you have done the stuff in the past. Maybe this is all just the flashback of a bad trip.

Of course the scratching at the door and inhuman noises outside sound pretty real...

Bad trip or no, there's no point in taking fuckin' chances! You stand in the center of the room and watch the door, as the banging gets more intense.
You prepare yourself, holding your BB Gun at the door and taking out your limited edition Charles Manson butcher Knife.

You stand ready, as the door looks like its going to come off its hinges, but then the noise stops and you hear the wolves padding off.

You breathe a little easier, but only for a moment. You look in utter horror as you see the alpha wolf (That would be the mutant, in case you weren't paying attention earlier) materialize out of one of the corners of the building.

It looks at you with absolute hatred and hunger.

If this IS an acid flashback, it’s a REALLY bad one!
> You disbelieve! Disbelieve!
You empty your mind, close your eyes and completely disbelieve that this THING could exist as it comes charging at you.

You feel its hot breath hit your face, and expect your death, but nothing happens.

You slowly open your eyes, and there's no sign of the Beast. In fact you're not even in the building anymore. You're by your car.

You hear some wolves howling in the distance.
You look at the Gray building. There's only one door and no windows. Its pretty ominious looking actually. Like a place thed's do snuff films or secret government experiments. You cautiously look in and find nothing. No illegal sex club or "Area 51" like area, you're a bit disappointed actually. You go back to your car and pick up some of your shit to take inside. You open the door and see a primitive jungle and village! You also see some natives, who may or may not be friendly. You close the door and try to figure out what the fuck just happened, you don't have long though. Those wolves you heard earlier must've caught your scent. The leader must be some kind of mutant since he's got red eyes, six legs and is fuckin HUGE! As they decend upon you, you quickly run back into the building and decide to take your chances with the villagers, at least they're human! When you get inside though the village is gone. There's no trace of it. The wolves begin to scratch and howl outside the door. You prepare yourself with your BB Gun and Limited Edition Charles Manson butcher knife. Suddenly the noises stop, but you don't have long to rejoice, as the mutant wolf suddenly materializes from one of the corners of the building!

It looks at you in absolute hatred and hunger.

You empty your mind, close your eyes and completely disbelieve that this THING could exist, as it comes charging at you.

You feel its hot breath hit your face, and expect your death, but nothing happens.

You slowly open your eyes, and there's no sign of the Beast. In fact you're not even in the building anymore. You're by your car.

You hear some wolves howling in the distance...


You quickly close the door and try to piece together what the fuck just happened!

You don't have as much time as you like though. Those wolves you heard earlier, must've caught your scent, because there's a pack of them on a nearby hill. The leader is jet black, has red eyes and has gotta be a mutant of some sort because he's got six legs and is fuckin' HUGE!
He sees you and howls an unearthly howl calling his fellows after you.

They'll be upon you soon and you're not gonna make it to your car in time.
> You shoot them with your BB Gun
Your BB Gun is NOT a suitable weapon! Especially not against Fenris over there. You manage to run back into the building and decide to take your chances with the village. At least they're human.

You run back inside, but the village and jungle have been replaced by a battlefield. Apparently, you're no longer in the building at all anymore. A mortar shell hits close by, when suddenly you're pulled in by some woman in a fox hole. She asks you what the hell you are doing. Her uniform isn't recognizable; in fact the surroundings are even a little strange looking. The sky's green for one thing.

You attempt to explain yourself, but she doesn't seem too surprised and just hands you a real weapon and mutters something to herself about how the Kragan's time/dimension experiments have fucked everything up. You ask her what's going on, but she says she'll explain everything later if you both get out of your current situation alive. She starts firing at a strange looking creature and tells you to move it. You both run as fast as you can as you see strange looking planes flying overhead which proceed to bomb the hell out of the enemy behind you.

You both dive for cover again as the explosion occurs. The woman surprisingly laughs at all of this. You on the hand are a nervous wreck. She notices this and kisses you.

You don't know what the hell's going on, but this isn't ALL bad. After she's done, she says you have to get moving again. You ask her what that was all about.

"Well you're cute and when you face death all the time, you gotta seize the moment sometimes. Plus I think you need something good to happen to you after walking into that Gray building."

You look surprised; you never got around to telling her that.

"Let me guess, Gray building on Ebay right?"

Looks like you just stepped into something REALLY weird, but at least you got a new girlfriend out of it.


You cautiously enter the building, but not before you take your Limited Edition Red Rider BB Gun with you.

Nothing!

There's absolutely nothing in here! No illegal underground sex club, no "Area 51" like facility. Nothing.

You can't help being slightly disappointed; well at least you don't have to worry though, its big enough to hold all your shit.

You go back to your car and proceed to gather your belongings. You kick the door open and are surprised by what you see!

You see a jungle like area, with a primitive village inside! There ARE some natives roaming around, but they haven't noticed you yet. They may or may not be friendly.

This is fuckin' bizarre to say the least!
> You enter the village
You enter the village, taking your BB gun with you and some of your other stuff.

The villagers see you, but don't attack. They're more curious than anything, especially with all the wonderful things you're carrying, suddenly you got a million hands grabbing at you.

You let them take the stuff, which they seem pretty pleased about. They give you some precious gems in return! You tell them, you have more gifts for them. You run out to your car, get more stuff and give it to them. This earns you more gems AND a chance to sleep with the chieftain’s twin bisexual daughters!

You fuckin' rule!

In fact you rule so much, they think of you as some kind of god. This isn't as fortunate as you might think...

It seems they want to EAT you, and become one with their god. They believe since you are a supernatural being, killing your body will be of minor consequence to you. Nothing could be further from the truth!

Grabbing your clothes you begin running butt ass naked through the jungle with the entire tribe chasing you, whooping it up. They think this is a fuckin' test!
> You run!
As you run you attempt to avoid protruding branches that could severely damage your tender bits.

As you get to the shore you trip over a piece of hemp rope. Sonofabitch! This is that Styrofoam Island! As the natives close in, you get an idea to start picking at the hemp rope. It works! You have successfully unraveled the piece that you were standing on from the rest of the island.

The natives shout something at you in an indecipherable language (Which is odd since they were speaking perfect English when you were friends with them) as you make your good escape on the drifting Styrofoam. You put your clothes back on and wait to reach the mainland.

The tribe suffers greatly however. They think they've failed a great test and commit ritualistic mass suicide.


You enter the village, taking your BB gun with you and some of your other stuff.

The villagers see you, but don't attack. They're more curious than anything, especially with all the wonderful things you're carrying, suddenly you got a million hands grabbing at you.

You let them take the stuff, which they seem pretty pleased about. They give you some precious gems in return! You tell them, you have more gifts for them. You run out to your car, get more stuff and give it to them. This earns you more gems AND a chance to sleep with the chieftain’s twin bisexual daughters!

You fuckin' rule!

In fact you rule so much, they think of you as some kind of god. This isn't as fortunate as you might think...

It seems they want to EAT you, and become one with their god. They believe since you are a supernatural being, killing your body will be of minor consequence to you. Nothing could be further from the truth!

Grabbing your clothes you begin running butt ass naked through the jungle with the entire tribe chasing you, whooping it up. They think this is a fuckin' test!
> You attempt to take the tribals out one at a time
Okay Action Hero...

You sneakily lose the tribals by climbing into a tree. As you put your clothes back on, one of the tribals wanders underneath you. Using one arm you reach down and quietly snap his neck with your forearm.

You pick up his knife and hid in some nearby bushes, a couple more tribals show up, you sneakily throw the knife at one of their heads and before he even hits the ground you charge the other and punch him in the throat and then tear out his wind pipe.

You dress up in one of the tribal's clothing in order to pass as one of them. Another one shows up and you begin motioning him over to "Help" your fellow tribals. When he does so, you throw an upper jab ramming his nose into his brain, killing him instantly.

You take his bow and arrows and wipe mud all over yourself. You return to the village and sneak back into the hut you were in and take your Micky Mouse Zippo lighter back and begin running around shooting fire arrows at the huts. The tribals are screaming in terror, as you mercilessly butcher them with their own spears.

Then it happens, the Chieftain appears. He looks upon the carnage you've inflicted upon his village and realizes you are not a god, but a demon! He stands before you and is ready to confront you once and for all.

You clash! The Chieftain is a very good fighter, he lands some very good hits and you'll certainly have some scars after this, but you're the good guy and have no choice but to win. Eventually you manage to stab him through the heart with his own knife.

He dies, but looks upon you with respect of a warrior. You give him the same salute as he passes into next life. He was a worthy opponent.

And to the victor go the spoils, you take both of his daughters over your shoulders, all the gems you can carry and leave the village burning down behind you because you're SUPER FUCKING COOL.

Yep, that sure was a nice last delusional thought before one of tribal's spears plunged into your back as you were trying to get away.

That night the villagers eat their "god" and look up in the heavens wondering if you're looking down at them in approval.


Face it; you don’t really have that much of a personality, so instead of buying any one of the more “interesting” items, you decide to get the dull gray building to match your life. Its only $2000 and nobody else wants it, so you get it with relative ease.

Alright! A place of your own, no more having to quickly erase the porn on the computer or explaining to Mom why your pants are off anymore!

After you receive the location, you quickly start packing up your shit. Until you realize you’ve got a lot of it. Hmmm, you don’t really feel like moving it all and you briefly think about selling some of your shit on Ebay, but as usual you can’t bear to part with anything. Where else are you gonna get a genuine Hitler Pez dispenser? Or the rare gay version of Star Wars? Or even that picture of you with Boudicca’s ghost?

Besides you don’t want to waste anymore time on Ebay today. You’re in a rare adventurous spirit and really wanna find out what this building’s all about. You load up your Mom’s car with as much shit as you can and drive to the building’s location. It takes you a day to get there, but you finally do it.

You’re here at the Gray Building. You’re also in the middle of nowhere! You can hear a pack of ravenous wolves in the distance. There’s only one door and no windows. Looks pretty ominous actually. Like a place where they’d do a snuff film, or perform secret government experiments.

Well in any case you DO own it, so maybe you should find out!
> You inspect the outside of the building
You inspect the outside, but there's nothing unusual. It’s just concrete, no windows, or other doors at all.

You make your way back to the front of the building and the door is gone! You could've sworn it was right there! You search and search, but to no avail. It’s just solid concrete now. You're search more, but you see some wolves up on a nearby hill that look very dangerous, so you decide to leave and come back tomorrow.

When you come back, the entire building is gone! There's no trace of it. You can't figure it out! This WAS the right location. This is very strange. Maybe you made a mistake and need to travel further up the road.
> You travel further up the road
You drive a little further up the road, still nothing. You're about to give up when then you see it again. You see the Grey Building. You guess you just didn't realize it was further than you thought.

The Grey Building stands before you and there's the door, so you can go in if you want.
> You go in the Grey Building
You enter the Grey building and suddenly feel a strike to the back of the head.

"THIS IS MY GREY BUILDING! DIE INTERLOPER!" a voice shouts as you try to get back up. A heavy boot kicks you in the face and everything goes black.

The last thing you hear is a rusty chainsaw.
The last thing you feel is that chainsaw entering your back.
The last thing you think is that this is the GREY Building not the GRAY Building.


You drive a little further up the road, still nothing. You're about to give up when then you see it again. You see the Grey Building. You guess you just didn't realize it was further than you thought.

The Grey Building stands before you and there's the door, so you can go in if you want.
> You inspect the building again
You walk around the building again, and something isn't right. This is a Grey Building but it isn't your Gray Building.

You can hear shuffling inside, and the clinking of chains. This doesn't seem like a safe place to enter, so you hastily leave and head back home and just say to hell with the whole damn thing. Your life is more important than fucking around with mysterious buildings in the middle of nowhere.


You inspect the outside, but there's nothing unusual. It’s just concrete, no windows, or other doors at all.

You make your way back to the front of the building and the door is gone! You could've sworn it was right there! You search and search, but to no avail. It’s just solid concrete now. You're search more, but you see some wolves up on a nearby hill that look very dangerous, so you decide to leave and come back tomorrow.

When you come back, the entire building is gone! There's no trace of it. You can't figure it out! This WAS the right location. This is very strange. Maybe you made a mistake and need to travel further up the road.
> You give up and go back home again
You give up that easily? Well it’s your choice I suppose and not too surprising considering you’ve spent most of your life in your Mom’s basement.

You go back home and go back to your safe little world that doesn't require any exploration at all.


You wake up and dread the fact that you’ve entered the real world again. The dream world will have to wait until later.

You don’t like real world, never have. It’s why you like to sleep. It allows you to get away from the reality for a little while. It’s also why you prefer to hang out on your computer all night and day.

It’s not really because you’re afraid of the real world, it’s just that you don’t have that much interest in it. Sometimes it can be fascinating, but over all you just find it to be involve so much boring tedium that you’d prefer to remove yourself as much as you can from it.

It’s also probably why you’re over 18 and still living at home.

You’re a basement dweller.

Fortunately you’re one of the productive ones. You contribute to the household by buying and selling useless shit on Ebay. Unfortunately this is still “work” and as a result, it’s a hassle so you probably don’t put as much effort as you should into it. In fact you’re more inclined to keep the stuff you buy due to your interest in odd things.

Despite your limiting of outside world contact, you can’t help but feel like something different is going to happen today. You start daydreaming about possible things that could happen to you until you quickly snap yourself out of it.

As much as you’d like to waste time daydreaming, playing video games or other time wasting activities on the internet, you probably should go to “work.”

Well don’t just sit there with a thumb up your ass, you gonna buy useless shit, or sell it?
> You sell useless shit
It literally pains you to part with anything being the fuckin’ obsessed pack rat you are, but you need to start earning your keep again. The problem is you’ll only part with a few things and those things are shit that nobody wants!

You can't believe that nobody would want things like S&M Elmo or Trailer Trash Barbie! And you can't even wrap your mind around the fact that people don't want your used toothpick collection from around the world!

Well it looks like the demand is currently for “Big Objects” and the only two big objects you have that you’re willing to part with are your full set elephant bones and your Kudzu plant.

Of course there’s always a demand for porn, but you’re sort of attached to your collection of that stuff.
> You sell your elephant bones
You get an offer for $15,000 dollars! You take it! Man, what a sucker! You don’t feel like wrapping up the bones and shipping them so you tell the guy to pick them up at your house. He said he’ll come by with a briefcase of money.

Soon you get a knock on the door. You answer it and a strange looking scientist type appears before you.

"Hello, I'm here for my Elephant Man bones." he says

ELEPHANT MAN? No wonder they sold for so much! This dickhead thought he was buying the remains of a medical curiosity, not that of an actual elephant!

“Hey I think there’s been a mistake. It’s just a regular elephant buddy. Still, should be good for something in the science field right?”
“What?! This is false advertising! I demand my Elephant Man bones!”

The scientist is very angry, but he doesn't seem to realize that mistake has been made. He thinks that you're holding out on him and trying to renig on the deal. You tell him that the deal’s off and he can keep his money if he’s so unhappy, but he won't hear any of it, he's demanding that you give him his Elephant Man Bones!

He pulls out a pistol!
> You try to hide
Sensing that you’re looking around to hide behind cover, he fires before you can move!

Nothing happens.

Realizing he forgot to put bullets into the thing, he throws the gun at your head, which you easily duck. You grab a nearby lamp and clobber him in the face with it. He goes down like a sack of potatoes.

Seriously, as if you'd really sell the bones of the Elephant Man in your basement!

You take the briefcase of money, drag him out to the curb for the derelicts to have their way with and think nothing more of it.


You get an offer for $15,000 dollars! You take it! Man, what a sucker! You don’t feel like wrapping up the bones and shipping them so you tell the guy to pick them up at your house. He said he’ll come by with a briefcase of money.

Soon you get a knock on the door. You answer it and a strange looking scientist type appears before you.

"Hello, I'm here for my Elephant Man bones." he says

ELEPHANT MAN? No wonder they sold for so much! This dickhead thought he was buying the remains of a medical curiosity, not that of an actual elephant!

“Hey I think there’s been a mistake. It’s just a regular elephant buddy. Still, should be good for something in the science field right?”
“What?! This is false advertising! I demand my Elephant Man bones!”

The scientist is very angry, but he doesn't seem to realize that mistake has been made. He thinks that you're holding out on him and trying to renig on the deal. You tell him that the deal’s off and he can keep his money if he’s so unhappy, but he won't hear any of it, he's demanding that you give him his Elephant Man Bones!

He pulls out a pistol!
> You kill him! Kill him!
Something in you snaps! You're overcome with panic and solve your problems with violence. You immediately knock the gun out of his hand and choke the life out the scientist, snapping his scrawny neck!

You have to figure out to get rid of the body; Mom doesn't like you leaving a mess. So you decide to chop him up and throw him in a trash bag.

In the middle of your grizzly work, you start to enjoy it. In fact you don't think you're going to get rid of the body at all. In fact you found something much more interesting to collect than useless shit on the internet.

You begin to increase selling things on the internet to attract more people...


It literally pains you to part with anything being the fuckin’ obsessed pack rat you are, but you need to start earning your keep again. The problem is you’ll only part with a few things and those things are shit that nobody wants!

You can't believe that nobody would want things like S&M Elmo or Trailer Trash Barbie! And you can't even wrap your mind around the fact that people don't want your used toothpick collection from around the world!

Well it looks like the demand is currently for “Big Objects” and the only two big objects you have that you’re willing to part with are your full set elephant bones and your Kudzu plant.

Of course there’s always a demand for porn, but you’re sort of attached to your collection of that stuff.
> You sell your Kudzu
You get an offer of $500 dollars for the Kudzu that has basically enveloped the house. You take it. You never wanted this stuff in the first place, it just grew out of hand and you couldn't get rid of it.

As you begin wondering how you’re going to ship the Kudzu, suddenly something green catches the corner of your eye! It’s the Kudzu! It appears that it didn't like the idea of being sold! It begins to crawl at you, and it looks a lot more dangerous than you remember considering it has sharp thorns now.

You grab your Mickey Mouse Zippo lighter and a can of Lounge Lizard Hair Spray and use it as a poor man's flamethrower!

It works! You burn and singe enough of the Kudzu to make it retreat, giving you time to wonder what to do next.
> You jump out the window and escape
As just one man armed only with a lighter and a can of spray can, you decide you cannot stop it yourself. You jump out of your window and run off as the Kudzu begins to grow and eat your neighbors behind you. You eventually hide out in old cabin up north that you family used to go up to when you were little.

While you're hiding out, the horror that you unleashed onto the world that ends up taking the lives of millions. It's eventually stopped, but your name is cursed and you will forever be known as the one who didn't stop the evil when it was small.


You get an offer of $500 dollars for the Kudzu that has basically enveloped the house. You take it. You never wanted this stuff in the first place, it just grew out of hand and you couldn't get rid of it.

As you begin wondering how you’re going to ship the Kudzu, suddenly something green catches the corner of your eye! It’s the Kudzu! It appears that it didn't like the idea of being sold! It begins to crawl at you, and it looks a lot more dangerous than you remember considering it has sharp thorns now.

You grab your Mickey Mouse Zippo lighter and a can of Lounge Lizard Hair Spray and use it as a poor man's flamethrower!

It works! You burn and singe enough of the Kudzu to make it retreat, giving you time to wonder what to do next.
> You kill the Kudzu!
You can't let this evil grow! You have to stop it right here and now!

You move forward to attack, burning it as you go. You start setting flammable things on fire and hope to get to the kitchen to turn on the gas and blow it up.

You get to the kitchen and turn on the gas, now all you need to do is escape before the gas hits the flame and explodes in that spectacular fashion like in all those movies you've ever watched.

Well unlike the movies there is no "Dramatic time" (Especially since you were still holding an open flame Zippo lighter in your hand!) and as soon as you turn the gas on the entire house blows up, with you and the Kudzu in it.

You have stopped an evil from attacking the world though, if it’s any consolation. Probably not, since nobody ever knew they were in any danger in the first place.


It literally pains you to part with anything being the fuckin’ obsessed pack rat you are, but you need to start earning your keep again. The problem is you’ll only part with a few things and those things are shit that nobody wants!

You can't believe that nobody would want things like S&M Elmo or Trailer Trash Barbie! And you can't even wrap your mind around the fact that people don't want your used toothpick collection from around the world!

Well it looks like the demand is currently for “Big Objects” and the only two big objects you have that you’re willing to part with are your full set elephant bones and your Kudzu plant.

Of course there’s always a demand for porn, but you’re sort of attached to your collection of that stuff.
> You wait! You've got naked pictures of your Mom!
We’ll save you the embarrassment of WHY you have the pictures in the first place, but after scanning one naked photo of your Mom, it doesn't take long for perverts all across the globe to start bidding for the whole set. The highest bid you've got right now is some guy in Mexico who's offering 10,000!
> You sell!
You sell, send off the pics and receive your money

Unfortunately you forgot to consider the foreign exchange rate!

10,000 Mexican Pesos is only $2.00 in US Currency!

While it’s very possible that your Mom won’t find out what you did, but there’s always the chance she will. And hell, for that amount of money you could've sold naked pictures of yourself!
> You try to buy your Mom's pictures back
Fortunately the Mexican guy is now trying to sell them for a bigger profit, 20,000...unfortunately its US currency. You’re fucked. You don’t have that sort of money.

So you do the only thing you can do. You steal your Mom's credit card and buy back the pictures.

However there ARE consequences for your actions.

First your Mom finds out about all of this the very next time she tried to use her card. (Which gets cut up)
Second she's wickedly pissed off that you even sold the pictures in the first place let alone the fact that you didn't get squat for them and then put her in SEVERE debt by buying them back.
Third there are some questions about your erm... morality, not to mention your sanity. You basically STOLE her private property which makes you a thief, the fact that you knew the content of the pictures and looked at them, makes you a sicko, the fact that you sold them makes you a sleazeball, and the fact you lost money on the whole deal makes you an idiot!

Your Mom has you committed to the asylum, where you spend the rest of your days, until you cause so much trouble you get lobotomized.


You sell, send off the pics and receive your money

Unfortunately you forgot to consider the foreign exchange rate!

10,000 Mexican Pesos is only $2.00 in US Currency!

While it’s very possible that your Mom won’t find out what you did, but there’s always the chance she will. And hell, for that amount of money you could've sold naked pictures of yourself!
> You sell naked pictures of yourself
Some gay porno magazine offers you a $2.00 for your naked pics. You accept the offer.

Unfortunately it’s a MEXICAN gay porno magazine!

You get a fat nickle!

Well you've made a total of $2.05 from selling your Mom's self respect as well as your own. (Not that you had that much to begin with)

You try not to think too much of it and just hope you Mom never finds out, but as you find out later you should’ve worried about other things instead.

You and she unknowingly become a point of obsession by a deranged bisexual midget. He eventually gets to the point where his obsession can’t be restricted to just images and pictures.

He tracks you both down and somehow manages to ambush your Mom and knock her out cold. You hear the noise from the basement and come up to investigate, where upon the midget knocks you out as well.

He ties you both up and well; it sort of only gets worse from there…

Your images are uploaded one last time through the sick freak’s illegal snuff site.


We’ll save you the embarrassment of WHY you have the pictures in the first place, but after scanning one naked photo of your Mom, it doesn't take long for perverts all across the globe to start bidding for the whole set. The highest bid you've got right now is some guy in Mexico who's offering 10,000!
> You hold out for more!
Wise choice! Everyone knows 10,000 in Mexican currency is only $2.00 US currency!
After waiting for a better deal you finally get an offer of $10,000 from some rich lesbian in Hawaii.

Jackpot!

Apparently she also wants to meet your Mom in person.

You know your Mom's been kinda lonely after Dad was killed in that "elephant incident" so you decide to set it up...

And after months of workin', proddin', fixin', and schemin' on your part, your Mom is now a much happier person and so are you having a rich stepmom and all. Now you can go buy that bomb shelter you always wanted.


Ah the basement. The refuge of all who refuse to move out of the house for whatever reason.

Some of them are dreamers who just can’t fit into proper society.

Some of them have potential, but due to personality quirks fame has escaped them.

And finally 99% of them are just downright pathetic losers that just fail at life.

So choose one of these basement dwellers and enjoy the desperation and horror of their tales! You may come to find that they are just like you. In fact chances are, you’ll think someone wrote a biography about you!
> The Good Girl (This one's for the ladies! AWWW YEAH!)
You wake up to another day in your sheltered little world.

“Sheltered” is probably a little inaccurate, but you’re about as close as you can get in your dysfunctional family.

Your upbringing for you and all your siblings, quite frankly sucked, and it made you very introverted and unmotivated. It’s probably why you’re over 18 and still living at home.

You’re a basement dweller.

However we shouldn’t be too hard on you. Your other four siblings are also living at home along with a few other freeloading family members. You just happen to be living in the basement.

Fucked up parenting aside, you actually have potential, if you’d just break out of your shell. You aren’t unintelligent. You at least graduated high school, watch the learning/history channel and read weird shit on the internet all day.

You aren’t even unattractive, though your mom always drilled it into you and your sisters head that you were always to be “good girls”. It only really worked on you though; as a result you’ve never had a boyfriend. (Or girlfriend for that matter) You don’t even have that much contact with the world outside your house anymore. The world’s a dangerous place and you feel much safer in your house.

Again, this thinking of yours is misguided as being out of the house of your crazy ass family would probably be a lot safer. Of course you rarely even leave the basement nowadays anyway. Seems like your world is getting smaller with each passing day.

Of course you could do something a little out of the ordinary today and try to change your lot in life.

How about it? Want to give it that old college try? (Even though you never went to college?)
> You sure you'll give it a go
That’s the spirit! I knew you had it in you!

Okay so you’re feeling uncharacteristically motivated today, that’s a start, but where exactly you’re going to begin is another question.

Getting a job might be the way to go, but you have no idea what you might be qualified for. You could go to a family member for help or your old friend the internet as usual.
> You ask your older sister Kelly
It’s probably not the best pick of all possible choices, but Kelly is the only one who has a real job and constantly working. Surely she’d be in the best position to help you, though even now you’re shuddering of what you might have to put up with to gain her help, even if she choices to do so.

Cautiously you head to her room where you find her resting on her bed with her eyes closed.

“Go away Peter! I told you before you’re NOT doing a documentary on me!” Kelly says without looking up.
“Uh, it’s not Peter, it’s me Suzy.”

Kelly instantly sits up to take notice of this revelation. She doesn’t make a move towards you, but it’s obvious she isn’t happy about you disturbing her. You haven’t been out of the basement for awhile, so you haven’t seen here lately, but Kelly is sporting some heavy duty scars and looking a little more muscular than when you last saw.

“You? What the fuck do you want? Get out.” Kelly demands
“But I just want to talk to you for a moment about something.”
“You deaf or just fucking stupid? Bitch I said get out!”
“But I wanted advice on how to get a job.”
“(Snort) You want a job? Little Miss priss wants to get a job? I can’t believe I’m hearing this! Ha ha! Do you even have any skills? Shit, you’re still a virgin. You probably wouldn’t even make a good whore. Just go back to the basement and hide out from the real world. It’s what you’re best at.”

You pause for a moment before answering.

“Why have you always so mean to me? I’ve never done anything to you.”
“Oh no? You were Mom’s perfect little angel that did what she was told and never had to do anything more than that. Me? I got nothing, but shit from Mom, just because I wasn’t what her so called standard of womanhood was supposed to be. Yet I also had to do most of the work around here as well as look out for you to make sure someone didn’t rape your naïve ass. Your mere existence did something to me!”
“Mom was just trying to instill guidelines for how we should behave. She was just looking out for us. What’s wrong with that?”
“Yeah, yeah, and following her guidelines has really served you well eh? A complete fucking recluse that can’t function on her own.”
> You point out her faults
You’ve had enough of your older sister’s abuse, you’re going to stand up to her.

“Yeah well at least I’m not some ‘roid dyke still whining about how Mom never approved of them.”

For a brief moment your sister can’t believe that you’ve actually stood up to her. Perhaps if you’d done that in the past she might’ve respected you more. However, now she just sees it as a threat to her position and one that needs to be squashed before you get even more uppity.

Kelly springs from the bed and grabs your arm before you can run out her room. When you attempt to fight back, it only makes her angrier. Her next step is to break it in three places and drop kick you in the face. She then takes your battered body, gets on the bed, jumps off it and pile drives you into the floor, breaking your neck instantly. At this point you’re already dead, but your sister proceeds to torment your corpse with physical abuse for about fifteen more minutes until she finally realizes she’s killed you.