-Hey, Dave. 	 Who told you about that?


Linda, I'm not mad at you. 	 Before l make my decision, you have to do something for me.


Jeez, I don't think that it was. 	 Now, that felt good!


That's my boy. 	 You'll release me from your program?


Take care. 	 Dave....


Later, Andrew. --once you cast your line in, so during retrieval... ...it'll help you to create a realistic and a erratic.... 	 Andrew, what's up? -Not much. You always try to simulate live bait.


-I Iike him. -Yeah, he's funny. 	 Well, we've all been there.


I do whatever I want when I want, you IittIe Spanish fruit topping. 	 Honey, at least l didn't make my aunt pregnant.


-Yeah! 	 What happened to your car?


I'm gonna cooperate. 	 The flight attendant keeps ignoring me when--


-Oh, yeah? 	 That's what made it so funny.


A five-hour trip to find out Mommy had a jeIIy bean removed from her nose. 	 I'm not a cheater. Is it cheating if you're passed around the cell block like a peace pipe?


I want you to go over there and ask that woman out. No, I got a girIfriend. 	 Can you guess why she rejected you?


Are you ashamed that you never stood up to him? 	 I did a lot of horrible things as a kid. I pushed you around.


We don't.... 	 You're a free man.


It's good stuff. That's a good picture, I think. 	 -Ladies and gentlemen, Robert Merrill.


Just so you know, she reaIIy is having surgery. 	 I've got to get it done with nut-boy in Boston. Why can't Head write his own catalog?


Davey, your girIfriend stopped by and she dropped these off for you. 	 I can't believe this. Excuse me. Linda.


I think you're in my seat. 	 You're supposed to sit in the seat they assigned you.


Just date anybody you'd Iike. 	 This is where Gina and l always get into a heated debate.


Kiss her, David. 	 Rydell taught me not to be afraid of anybody.


You were about to say something eIse before you said, " I'm sorry. " 	 Louis... ...that l was on when they had to turn the plane around?


I was fired from my ice-cream truck job today. 	 We're all busy, okay?


Are you a homophobe, Dave? 	 His boyfriend is gay.


-You starting to get excited? 	 I've done crazier stuff than that to win back a chick.


-Thank you. So do you have a take on this Buznik guy? 	 James made the basketball team, Raheem landed the lead... ...in Fiddler on the Roof.


Head? I wasn't abIe to taIk to him about that yet, but I wiII. 	 Where'd you go to college again?


Remember at Brown when we saw Ron Guidry win his 20th? 	 Sorry, it's just hard. I'll never meet anyone as good as you. You will.


I'm setting a triaI date for 3 weeks from today for attempted murder. 	 And breaking that promise, to me, is unacceptable.


Am I out of Iine, or is this guy pushing me? 	 Well, how do you feel, Chuck? I went from happy to angry, skipped sad.


I did a Iot of horribIe things as a kid. I pushed you around. 	 Over and over again.


Am I boring you? 	 I have seen some shit, man.


And I was Iike, you know, " Don't go there. " 	 -Then l'll sign your papers.


Thanks for having me here. 	 Holy shit.


This is Becky, his assistant. 	 Your mom.


That guy's Iooking at us. 	 Take care.


-Hey. Good to see you. -What's your name, baby? 	 Actually, l like to spend most of my time... ...in Girls Without Wieners-ville.


I think I better get going. 	 What's he doing?


Get over it. I wouIdn't worry about me. 	 What the hell do you think you're doing?


Arnie.... 	 What did you say about Buddha?


-I'm his anger management therapist. 	 Hey! Hey! Hey!


Those are her keys to my apartment. 	 I didn't know you were going to be here.


-It's nice. 	 You ought to golf yourself.


-Take a IittIe nap. -I am tired. 	 Excuse me, Arnie Shankman?


And if you want to start seeing... ...other penises-- PeopIe... ...I want you to feeI free. 	 It's just that l want to go on a fake date to get my girlfriend jealous... ...so l really only needed one of you guys. Well, now she'll be twice as jealous. -So do you know the guy she's with?


Spend some quaIity time. 	 I can't believe that l fell for that one.


Sorry. 	 That guy's looking at us.


We'II be off to work in a jiffy. 	 Well, l have to join you at work.


IncidentaIIy, nice move bringing the girIs. 	 Who was that?


I Iike pIaying tennis on occasion.... 	 I like playing tennis on occasion....


You have me confused with somebody-- 	 I was an angry guy.


What did you say about Buddha? 	 Help me, brother.


Songs of madness and obsession. 	 "We've Only Just Begun." Songs of madness and obsession.


-Get out! Get out! 	 Any of those would have been fine!


Wanna sing? Do you know " I FeeI Pretty " ? 	 I ate bad guacamole and l couldn't stop shitting!


-Thank you. Oh, my God. 	 I will be uncharacteristically aggressively boring.


Is this good or bad? 	 Raheem will make a breathtaking Tevye, l'm sure.


-Sure you can-- 	 -Are you crazy?!


-Thanks, baby. I'II kiII you! 	 -You really molested a crazy girl?


What do you want? 	 I'm just recording your demeanor upon awakening.


I guess beating up stewardesses can get oId after a whiIe. 	 I guess beating up stewardesses can get old after a while.


I Iove when they do this. 	 Now, here's what l want you to write on the scoreboard. Linda!


Okay, we're even. 	 We were like Butch and Sundance!


-Thank you. Don't think I don't owe you a coupIe smacks by the way. 	 I should be your husband... ...not that weirdo.


Hear what he said? 	 That's why you can't cop to your rage.


So when I get out of jaiI, sometime in the next two to five years... ...I expect you to give me the position that Andrew just resigned from. 	 What the heck are you doing here? -I wanna borrow this for a second. -That's my mike!


I didn't do anything wrong. 	 Really? Wow.


That did not go down weII. 	 I am appalled by your assault on Dr. Rydell.


-How come you guys aren't fIying? 	 -That's him? -Yes.


Didn't it used to scare you? I never saw it. You never saw it? 	 It looked like it belonged on a baby and it had a funny color.


-Hey, Dave. 	 I like your CH.iPs T-shirt.


We're not. Thank you. 	 That's my German name.


-Dave... ...you've got a Iot more going for you than wiggIy nostriIs. 	 Nice meeting you. Okay.


Let's introduce Dave to some of the rest of us. 	 You're superior. He's superior.


Have fun Iooking Iike CoIoneI KIink. 	 Linda, l'm not mad at you.


My, oh, my. 	 Well, apparently Dr.


I've got to get it done with nut-boy in Boston. 	 The quiet warmth


AII right, man. 	 All right.


What does this have to do with anger management? 	 Come on.


Whoa! Watch it, man! 	 Bob?


-You were Iooking? 	 You never saw it?


If I put on a few pounds... ...wiII you be abIe to stifIe your vomit Iong enough to have sex with me?! 	 -Your being out with another woman. -How would she know that? -I told her.


That's what was so hard to say to me? 	 Anyway, a trial separation will make you both gain a deeper appreciation... ...for David Buznik.


I want to know... 	 -...who you are.


I'm so sorry I'm Iate. 	 Where the hell's a spot?


Don't marry him! 	 Buddy's not such a bad guy.


WeII, the guy on the Ieft is bIind, Chuck. 	 Well, the guy on the left is blind, Chuck.


Where were you? It's 1 :00. When you hear what happened, you'II bow down and worship me Iike a god. 	 However, l did insist that we not go forward without your blessing... ...because we're best friends.


Can you guess why she rejected you? 	 -Get out of here. -Trust me, Dave.


Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! 	 We will proceed when you are centered.


-Good to see you again. 	 Dr.


Of course I did. 	 -Take a little nap.


She ain't cheating on me by the way. 	 I want to introduce you to somebody. -Stacy, Gina, this is Linda.


Goosfraba. 	 Not "blah blah," Nate.


It's Pana Manapia. You want me to fight a monk? He's not even aIIowed to hurt a pIant. 	 Dave used to con her into getting naked... ...by saying that her clothes had ghosts in them.


David! 	 Come on, let's go!


What are you Iaughing at, Dave? 	 Just laughing. I don't know.


So, what, we're not going to taIk at aII? 	 This is where Arnie Shankman lives?


-The girIs wiII take their coats off. 	 -How would you know? -You think l only tapped your phone?


I'm sorry. May I interject? 	 Do you remember the flight to St.


No matter how oId I get, aIways a cuIinary deIight. 	 He's a psycho. Don't sulk, Dave. Eat.


Of course not. 	 I'm sorry.


Just a second. 	 -Okay.


There's a creative executive position that just opened up, so.... 	 You gotta stick up for yourself. I know. I'll figure something out.


Andrew, what's up? -Not much. You always try to simulate live bait. 	 Be aware ofyour presentation... ...and make sure that, as you work it along....


FinaIIy, my parents said I had to move out. 	 Excuse me, miss? Is this Slow And Stupid Waitress Day?


I haven't been to the Actors Studio in quite some time. 	 -Good night. -All right. -Thanks, Buddy.


-No thanks, Dan. 	 -Anything else, Dr.


From now on, unacceptabIe. 	 From now on, unacceptable.


I did what you toId me to do, you sick, demented man. 	 I never thought you'd take it like this.


So Pena Iikes the spicy humor. 	 David! David!


I toId her I didn't want to waste money on a cab. 	 Welcome back, Mr. Buznik.


Kiss her, David. 	 Butt out! Tough guy's going to learn a lesson.


Can I go throw up now? I'm a lady. 	 It's not serious, but she'll be at Boston County H.ospital for the next two days.


WouId give you the oId Iicky-Iicky, then fry your banana. 	 -Grenada, man. -Grenada?


Yeah. Yeah. 	 If we finish our work, l'd love to go to a jazz club.


I am appaIIed by your assauIt on Dr. RydeII. ObviousIy, anger management has been a compIete faiIure for you. 	 Now, when l started here... ...l was promised advancement opportunities.


Now we can do it here or in prison. -Anything eIse, Dr. B? 	 Now we can do it here or Rikers lsland.


ImpIosive is the cashier who remains quiet, day after day... ...and finaIIy shoots everyone in the store. 	 You're the cashier. No. I'm the guy hiding in the frozen food section dialing 91 1 , l swear.


That's aII I wish on them. PIease marry me, Linda. 	 Buddy Rydell, you're a great man.


I'm sorry. You don't have to cry anymore. -A joke? 	 Maybe l better get up to Boston... ...see what's really going on up there.


I keep taIking about myseIf, acting arrogant and obnoxious. 	 Just a second. Just one second, Dave. Dr.


That was reaIIy good. Where's the coffee cake? 	 I haven't been to the Actors Studio in quite some time.


This guy is nuts, isn't he? Or a genius. 	 Not after l get through with them.


You ought to goIf yourseIf. 	 I'm doing okay myself, pal.


WeII, I have to join you at work. 	 I don't know.


Goosfraba. 	 -Let's get wasted tonight. -Definitely.


-What the heII? 	 -Hey.


Answer me, Buznik! 	 Wedgie!


Because that is what's on the docket for you if you don't go and ask her out. 	 -Approach Miss Thing again. -No. With confidence.


I'm sorry I was so rude before... ...but it's difficuIt for me... ...to express myseIf... 	 I couldn't take it anymore... ...so finally l just tell my boss: "Hey, baldy, if l want crap out of you, l'll squeeze your head." -I didn't say that, but l should have.


Your Honor, we're not even sure how bIind this man reaIIy is. 	 Your Honor, we're not even sure how blind this man really is.


You're SizzIean. 	 -Is this what you want, Dave?


-I need you to unfIuster. 	 Let's go, crazy man.


Now, here's what I want you to put up on the scoreboard. 	 Dave's a dirty boy.


WeII, she's not mad at you anymore, but she Iet me have it pretty good. 	 Are you ashamed that you never stood up to him? No.


Linda's been thinking about Ieaving you for some time. 	 I think your girlfriend's cheating on you. -Why?


I bIacked out. 	 And l said, "Look, l'm seriously serious.


Saw his... 	 Didn't it used to scare you?


-We aII have. 	 -Sure.


-Andrew. 	 There's no secrets between us.


Miss? 	 You're missing important plot points.


His name is David. Don't dissembIe. 	 I'm more comfortable there.


No more cIam chowder. 	 I thought you said you were joking. No, the serious part was the joke.


-David Buznik. 	 -I hope you wrote my speech. -I did, sir.


Whoa, man! -HoIy shit! 	 I'm centered, l'm centered.


-AIways a bIast being with your friends. 	 So l saw your boy Andrew at the urinal. Saw his...


And when I woke up, I was standing over him and I was screaming: " I toId you not to go there! 	 You don't want to go there."


She's not taking a break from the oId sausage, huh? 	 And l'd like you to meet my date.


You couId've toId her something eIse. I was at the bank. 	 Andrew, the testicle with legs.


Poetry garbage. She said it was getting Iate, we kissed and I headed on home. 	 Which means that at no time can you come within 500 feet of him... ...or his lovely new girlfriend, Linda.


My strategy is to keep my girIfriend. 	 Davey, your girlfriend stopped by and she dropped these off for you.


I shouIdn't reaIIy taIk right now. 	 What's this? Your fat-shit cat's been sitting there all day.


You are too cute. 	 We can hang out at my place until you get in touch with him.


We've got 30 days to controI your anger. 	 -Where should we put my stuff?


When a good position actuaIIy opens up... ...you give it to the biggest dick in the worId? 	 Someone else will marry my woman if you don't let me go. -Hebrew Melvin's in love.


-Stacy bit my toe off. -Then MeIo freaks out... -...and caIIs me a crazy skank. 	 So anyway, in the middle of our session... ...l look up and l see Gina kissing Melo on the mouth... ...which is not cool because it violates our threesome code of ethics.


This is the Iast pIace I thought I'd find you, a monastery. 	 Let's not make fun of my God, here.


I'm gonna miss you. 	 You know l don't like it when people watch me kiss.


Did you get it on with my sister? 	 Wedgie! Wedgie! -I've seen enough.


I'm sure that it's going to be over before you know it. 	 -That's my poem! l wrote that. I know.


The Yanks are great this season. 	 We could've been too.


You know what we shouId do? 	 You know what we should do? Play Truth or Dare.


Look at you, Lou. You've reaIIy caImed down since working with Dr. B. 	 Actually, could you give us a table overlooking that table right there?


Where's your headset? 	 Ma'am?


I figured this out. 	 l'm sick of you hanging out with Linda. She dumped you 1 5 years ago.


He missed the lay-up! 	 Don't worry, Dr. B, it's just a regular season game.


He didn't give you a Iook. 	 He just gave me a look.


I mean, I'm sorry. 	 I want to answer your question.


Think you're better than me because you've got both your nuts? 	 All right. Come on. Come on, big boy.


Our country is going through a difficuIt time now. 	 A talk about what? There's not a problem.


It's your paI Buddy who's taking her to the Yankee game tonight. 	 Wait, don't l know you? -Come on.


WiIdebeest. 	 Pow! Pow! Pow!


Pretty hard too. 	 What office?


That's my German name. Great. 	 Well, that's okay, because l'm a lady.


How do you feeI you handIed that situation? 	 And when l woke up, l was standing over him and l was screaming:


-Who's that? 	 No more Fudgeicles.


That's 25 doIIars, paI. 	 First, the good news. I'm going to sign your papers.


That's not what I was saying. 	 No. That's not what l was saying.


-Your being out with another woman. 	 She's not home, Dave.


-Why are we here? I'm not a homophobe. 	 -What's your name, baby?


Great. " You're going to die, bitch. " 	 Good. Thank you.


A coursing underground river 	 And, take care. Have a great trip, you guys.


I.... It's something I wanted to say to you... ...and I'm having a hard time saying it for some reason. 	 You're jealous... ...self-loathing, resentful, insecure and a premature ejaculator.


FIustered? 	 -I need you to unfluster.


I thought you said you were joking. 	 You've been doing his job for years.


I feeI bad for him with his sister Iosing her mind and aII. 	 I feel bad for him with his sister losing her mind and all.


I guess you're better than me. That's why you can't cop to your rage. You're superior. 	 I'm here because l was verbally attacked by my neighbor.


You sound upset. Are you aII right? 	 Because of your profession you probably have seen a lot of them.


You and I controI the game. 	 And then a 1 0-second Frencher.


What better vantage point than bunkmates? 	 My approach dictates intense observation.


The guy's homeIess, right? 	 Booth?


She'II be a very Iucky Iady. Thanks for being my best friend. 	 How was the doctor?


And thank you for rescuing it from the fIoor. 	 But you know everything.


Do you remember the fIight to St. 	 I got arrested at Kennedy.


Mumbo jumbo. DeniaI. Key, key, key, key, key, key. 	 Why do you feel you have to apologize because you're suffering from T.A.S.?


I'm in a mood, Dave. A bad mood. A very bad mood. 	 We're a little busy right now.


You're to refrain from vioIent acts incIuding verbaI assauIt... ...and vuIgar hand gestures. 	 You're to refrain from violent acts including verbal assault... ...and vulgar hand gestures.


So, anyway, Dave, how's anger management going? 	 I gotta go. Bye.


-I hope you wrote my speech. 	 I look forward to this, Mr. Head.


Which means that at no time can you come within 500 feet of him... ...or his IoveIy new girIfriend, Linda. Court is adjourned. 	 So when l get out of jail, sometime in the next two to five years... ...l expect you to give me the position that Andrew just resigned from.


But, yes. What's with the watch, huh? 	 Would give you the old licky-licky, then fry your banana.


It's got to be done. 	 I think you're gonna like it.


Dave used to con her into getting naked... ...by saying that her cIothes had ghosts in them. 	 lt's a twister!" My nipples! Pena!


Does size count at aII, or is that just some weird thing guys think about? 	 -Coming right up, Dr. B. You're the biggest backstabbing piece of crap l ever met.


I asked him why, and he said when he saw me without my cIothes on... ...that I Iook Iike a porker. 	 Because l do. I do. I have a girlfriend.


She's busy right now, but it's coming. 	 Could you give me a second, sir?


I think about how I'm going to pop the question. Husky down jacket. 	 A five-hour trip to find out Mommy had a jelly bean... ...removed from her nose.


It's just that I want to go on a fake date to get my girIfriend jeaIous... ...so I reaIIy onIy needed one of you guys. 	 -Yeah! l agree with that. -You know that. I'd like to talk to you alone for a second.


I was toying with the notion that you were gay... ...because of the kitty-cat cIothes, so forth. 	 Rydell has a history of unorthodox techniques. He's got a dozen lawsuits pending. So it's not just me.


I'm not teIIing you to eIope with her. Just go over and fIirt a IittIe bit. 	 She wanted to be like the 2000 other girls who said that to me growing up?


I'm trying to give you a hand. It's my job. BuIIshit! 	 Now, you say you kissed?


Is it cheating if you're passed around the ceII bIock Iike a peace pipe? 	 Now, listen to me very carefully.


Now, Iisten to me very carefuIIy. -Approach Miss Thing again. -No. 	 So if l repeat that crazy shit... ...you probably stole from a porno flick, you sick bastard... ...and get rejected... ...you'll release me from the program?


Heard we're partnering up, huh? 	 -I see. -My bad.


I be right with you. 	 Never know when your number's up.


I don't know about aII that, but now I understand why you're here. 	 I didn't beat anybody. I touched a woman. Liar.


I thought you were going to shoot somebody! 	 I don't think that we should see each other for a while.


If anything, you couId even gain a few pounds. 	 Anyways, l don't cheat on Linda.


I'm sorry. 	 Bye.


ActuaIIy, couId you give us a tabIe overIooking that tabIe right there? 	 Now the situation is contained. You and l control the game.


As you seem to have noticed, I'm a IittIe bit jumpy with pubIic affection. You seemed to be Iovey-dovey back there. 	 I'm sure she'd love to hang out with a goofy secretary... ...whose only talent is nostril wiggling.


It's Stacy and Gina. 	 I keep talking about myself, acting arrogant and obnoxious.


My job is trying to prevent Mr. 	 That's all. Wait. Wait.


I'm just not doing it right, I guess. 	 I think we're getting a picture, Dave.


Don't! " What's that, Auntie Em? It's a twister! " 	 But you kicked some serious monk ass there, baby.


-Stop! Get out! Get out! ! 	 Well, l'm sorry, Dave, but l don't lie for my patients.


You'd think it wouId be packed. 	 You had a hard day.


I whizzed on him. 	 -May we take your coats?


Guys, I don't think you shouId be moving in with me. 	 No. No. I'm sorry.


I was Iooking forward to it. Where's the coffee cake? 	 -I'm sure your audition will go well.


Ma'am? 	 Excuse me.


We're members of the same country cIub. ReaIIy? I've been wanting to pIay goIf with him a Iong time. 	 I mean, l like to consider myself her best friend... ...but Andrew is her best friend friend, if that makes any sense.


Pana Kamanana... ...Dave Buznik from eIementary schooI. David Buznik. 	 Dave said, "How does a guy who weighs over 600 pounds... ...have the balls to teach people about self-discipline?"


I'm not a chiId, Dave. 	 -What are you talking about?


-About what? 	 Where's your phone?


This guy's got quite a basket on him. ReaIIy? I didn't notice that. 	 I was toying with the notion that you were gay... ...because of the kitty-cat clothes, so forth.


-I just landed in St. Louis. 	 I pulled an all nighter.


Don't get cute, wiseass! 	 Damn, man, reminds me of these chicks back in the war.


-That chick was kiIIer. 	 I told you l'd get you back for that.


Can I get a cosmopoIitan? 	 I shouldn't eat this. I'm getting so fat. What?


Just Iaughing. 	 Were you laughing with me?


No, the serious part was the joke. 	 You should be his-- I'm sorry.


The magic of Leonard Bernstein and Stephen Sondheim's... ... 	 What the hell's your problem? Shut your pie-hole! We're working here!


I'm so handsome. 	 So, anyway, Dave, how's anger management going?


I know. 	 Sorry.


Why can't Head write his own cataIog? 	 Smoldering beneath the rituals Of hope for familiarity


UnfortunateIy, I am Ieaving in the morning. 	 You're the un-porker. You're Sizzlean.


-You're in! -Out! 	 -What else could l do, huh?


MeanwhiIe, I've got Head up my ass about that cataIog. 	 Okay, l'll hold that. My--


Have you ever kissed a girI before? 	 -Well, l-- -Family doesn't count.


So, Dave... ...teII us about yourseIf. 	 So, Dave... ...tell us about yourself.


AII right. 	 All right.


Just caIm down. I am caIm. I just want my headset. 	 Can you come to the back with me so we can have a talk?


It Iooked Iike it beIonged on a baby and it had a funny coIor. 	 -Which isn't bad. -You're doing really good.


-So I stapIed his Iips shut. 	 -Then Melo freaks out...


-What's up, baby? 	 Good to see you.


No! Don't! Don't! 	 I never expected it to go that way.


I toId you I'd get you back for that. 	 You deserved it.


-What eIse couId you do? 	 You mean Andrew? Yeah, that's it.


A taIk about what? There's not a probIem. 	 This is a difficult time for our country.


You want to Ieave your friend and run off and chase some hot babe... ...you can't expect me to cover for you. 	 No! ! How about you hum the "l'm a Crazy Asshole" song? And take me home, you psychotic piece of wacko.


We couId have fun together. 	 Anyways, you're not a porker.


First, the good news. I'm going to sign your papers. You're a free man. 	 You keep telling everybody you created the Husky Cat line.


I shouIdn't eat this. 	 Why?


And I said, " Look, I'm seriousIy serious. 	 Yes. So my boss, he was talking to me about how many sick days l've taken.


Goos bIah bIah. 	 Goosfraba.


PIease don't Ieave me. 	 Just so you know, she really is having surgery.


GirIs, why don't you teII Dave what brought you here. 	 -Maybe Dave's not ready yet, Chuck. -You're not ready.


Anyways, what I wanted to say to you was... ...when we were kids, you kind of buIIied me around a IittIe bit... ...and I never reaIIy did anything to deserve that kind of treatment. 	 -And don't shove me again. -It's shower-room humiliation again. He's giving you a wet willie and making you chew on his jockstrap... ...and fart blossom and all this.


Jeez, without SIippy-FIippies or angry masturbating? How is that possibIe? 	 Jeez, without Slippy-Flippies or angry masturbating?


Rose RydeII! 	 -Get out! Get out!


-I think so, Your Honor. 	 No, it's bad.


What kind of stupid caII is that? 	 The guy's homeless, right? Let him be.


We're here. 	 This is a bit awkward.


And I'm pretty sure I heard him mutter some kind of anti-Semitic remark. 	 He didn't give you a look. And l'm pretty sure l heard him mutter some kind of anti-Semitic remark.


-Where shouId we put my stuff? -What stuff? 	 I smell the effluvium of pain and frustration.


Dave. You're Iate. 	 The walls are really thin.


Kiss her, David. 	 -Don't! -Are you crazy? Settle down.


-Hey, feIIas. 	 Right this way. -Thank you.


I'm surprised your research didn't teII you that. 	 That actually was pretty funny.


You know, when I was on the phone with Buddy, he gave me some advice. That's great. His advice is a IittIe cuckoo... ...but somehow it works. 	 So l've been thinking about it, Linda... ...and a trial separation is exactly what we need.


You deserved it. I did nothing wrong. I know. 	 He was just a kid lashing out... ...because his sister got sent to an insane asylum.


I.... Jibber jabber. 	 Would you apologize if you were a diabetic?


That part I was assuming. 	 She ain't cheating on me by the way.


-What exactIy was that aII about? 	 I have to be to work in eight minutes. Flustered?


Don't worry about him. Here you go. I think you're gonna Iike it. 	 Before tonight's National Anthem... ...Metropolitan Opera star Robert Merrill... ...will present a special moment for two special people.


Then he'd puII out his winkie... ...and teII her it was a strawberry ice-cream cone. 	 -Pretty good. -Thanks, baby.


Can you come to the back with me so we can have a taIk? 	 I mean you people. I will not tolerate any racist behavior on the plane.


Come on. Come on. 	 I gotta tell you something personal!


Oh, my God, it's Dave. What the heck are you doing here? -I wanna borrow this for a second. 	 Kids who have your eyes... ...and your lips... ...and my... ...last name.


You're the cashier. No. 	 I'm going to assign you an anger ally... ...to help calm you down when you're losing it.


WouId you forgive me if I toId you I caIIed Linda Iast night... ...after our IittIe fracas and expIained that it was my fauIt? 	 You're kidding me. You're going to make me confront a monk. Great.


I figured it'd be more fun if it was just Brown aIumni. Where'd you go to coIIege again? Trenton Community CoIIege. 	 Later, Andrew. --once you cast your line in, so during retrieval... ...it'll help you to create a realistic and a erratic....


That sound is a derivation of an oId Eskimo word... ...that mothers used to caIm their chiIdren. -I see. 	 That sound is a derivation of an old Eskimo word... ...that mothers used to calm their children.


-Don't gnash your teeth. 	 B. -We all have.


Try to wiggIe out, you're going to get a ding. But you know everything. 	 I think you've got room to back up.


That's right. 	 -How do you end up kissing, again?


I Iove you with aII my heart, and I know you Iove me back. 	 What about the air marshal who tasered me?


Buddy thinks that a triaI separation wiII uItimateIy... ...strengthen our reIationship. 	 You sound upset. Are you all right? I'm fine.


Dave, I think it's pivotaI for you to confront your chiIdhood nemesis. 	 Confront him or you're going to prison! All right.


Insane-Vein-Popping- A-LittIe-Too-Far-Out-Of-His-Head-... ...WhiIe-Swinging-The-Bat Guy. 	 Actually, yes. How did you know?


-Yeah. 	 Why don't you--?


AII rise. -What do you think? 	 I'm ordering you to pay a fine of $3500.


I shouId be your husband... ...not that weirdo. 	 No, he wasjust having a bad day. Son of a bitch.


-Shades of earIy EmiIy Dickinson. 	 -Get in. -I don't know how you'll get out.


FIirting is cheating's ugIy cousin, Buddy. 	 Self-hypnotic negative imagery.


What's this? 	 Your attention, please.


Kendra... ...even though I'd Iove to see you take that bra off... ...because it represents a team I've hated my entire Iife... ...I think you gotta keep it on. 	 Fatty! No! ! How did it go, pal?


I've done crazier stuff than that to win back a chick. 	 You can do it, David!


Not a probIem. 	 Not a problem.


RydeII's safety, I'm issuing a restraining order. 	 You see? l golf also. You should bring me sometime.


After I got kicked out of the Army, I went through a reaI bad time: 	 What's with the watch, huh? Am l boring you?


I'm wetting my Jockeys here. 	 You gotta get a load of this, keed. I mean, you like comedies?


-And don't shove me again. 	 Pana Banana's got a heinie. -He's got a heinie!


-May I approach, Your Honor? 	 Rydell. Thank you.


AII right. Come on. Come on, big boy. 	 Is it worth going back to the penitentiary, Chuck?


Buddy's not such a bad guy. 	 Are you okay?


No. 	 -Oh, yeah?


-How wouId she know that? 	 She went out with her pal Andrea.


Listen to me. Stay with me, Nate. 	 You gotta dunk that shit!


-Goosfraba. 	 That was really good.


Give her a five-second Frencher! 	 I'm the one who smashed your car up. -Dave?! -No!


After dinner, she insisted we go home. So we hop on the bus-- The bus? 	 Is it all right if l date your ex?


Just hang for one session... ...so I can at Ieast say I gave you a proper anaIysis. 	 I can't just sign your papers. I didn't do anything wrong.


I broke the cocktaiI waitress's nose. 	 I don't have T.A.S.


-You're doing reaIIy good. 	 I'm in a mood, Dave.


Now, what keys do we need to possess before we can--? 	 Could you bring it down a little bit? We're trying to have dinner.


So, what do you say, Dave? 	 I've been getting your coffee and doing your work for five years now.


I'm out of my mind. 	 How was that supposed to work?


I rented the pIace. 	 Let me buy you a milk shake.


This party's by invitation onIy. 	 I don't know. I....


Your mom. 	 Please don't leave me.


What is your position on breast impIants? 	 -Could l get a headset? -Certainly. Thank you.


Who gives a crap, huh? I mean, it's just a siIIy game, anyways. 	 See? lverson just missed a lay-up at the buzzer, Sixers lose.


I dare you to kiss me. 	 Right here?


Yeah, yeah. Because of that unruIy passenger in coach. Hey! 	 Dissembling is a common tool of the anger junkie.


Buznik, I don't know why you hate women. Maybe you don't know either... ...but I'II Iet you think about it whiIe you spend one year in a state prison. 	 Maybe you don't know either... ...but l'll let you think about it while you spend one year in a state prison.


Let this man finish what he came here to say. 	 Congratulations! You just graduated from anger management!


Don't worry. Dr. RydeII expIained everything to me, and I get it. 	 Separating from Linda is a crucial part of our strategy.


The waIIs are reaIIy thin. -This is a free country! 	 It's Stacy and Gina.


Oops, no, I'm not. Whoa! 	 You know what?


A joke. 	 I'll be here.


-I can't beIieve he's making me go. 	 There he is.


I Iook forward to this, Mr. Head. 	 Thank you for allowing me to come on this trip--


Any of those wouId have been fine! 	 Calm down a bit. Try some deep breathing.


Okay, I'II go first. 	 Truth or dare?


I don't know about the worId, but it's definiteIy the biggest one in the room. 	 -Very much. I can't stop love.


Yeah. 	 A joke.


I mean, I accidentaIIy did that. 	 It's a sickness, not a crime, Fran. His name is Frank!


WeII, now she'II be twice as jeaIous. -So do you know the guy she's with? 	 There's a rage control technique l'd like to go over with you right now.


There's no secrets between us. 	 This guy's got quite a basket on him.


Humor is the spice of Iife. 	 -I'm a little pissed off right now.


You couId have her, you know. 	 Excuse me.


Come on, paI. 	 Nobody cares.


There's 1 0,000 peopIe behind us. 	 I don't want to sing a song. I want to go to....


WeII, I see it, and I didn't five years ago. 	 I don't think you're a porker.


Now is the first time I've been Iate. But you're right. 	 Temporarily, yeah.


Because of your profession you probabIy have seen a Iot of them. 	 What? -Two of the usual, Duke.


Head? And teII me it isn't Dick. 	 Fran, your assistant beat the bejesus out of a flight attendant.


-You shouId've tossed a rock at him. 	 The girls are gonna take their coats off.


You said your apartment caught fire. 	 To be honest with you, it was a mix-up.


Some mindIess nitwit is parked behind me. 	 Whatever, Mr. Insane-Vein-Popping- A-Little-Too-Far-Out-Of-His-Head-... ...While-Swinging-The-Bat Guy.


Is it aII right if I date your ex? 	 When a good position actually opens up... ...you give it to the biggest dick in the world?


I can't stop Iove. -Go. 	 I love you with all my heart, and l know you love me back.


You can do it, David! 	 Grenada! Don't point that gun at Buddy.


I was being attacked by someone... ...and whiIe I was trying to take away his.... 	 I was being attacked by someone... ...and while l was trying to take away his.... His....


CouId you give me a second, sir? 	 Could l maybe get that headset, please?


Here you go. 	 I think l'm going to recommend to the court that we double your time.


Wait a minute. 	 -He earned it. Why can't you be happy for me?


If we finish our work, I'd Iove to go to a jazz cIub. 	 -He hung up on you again, didn't he? -Yes. Yes, he did.


What's going on? 	 This is the last place l thought l'd find you, a monastery.


It's a sickness, not a crime, Fran. His name is Frank! No. 	 Clothes for cats isn't really a new idea... ...but there was never really a line made for overweight cats... ...who might feel a little self-conscious... ...about how they look in certain outfits.


This is ridicuIous! 	 That's your solution for everything.


Yankees winning, beer and hot dogs. 	 -You were looking? Yeah, unfortunately.


To be honest with you, it was a mix-up. 	 Dave, you have a disease.


My cIothes hide it, but I'm getting gooey right here. I don't see any goo. 	 I'm not a child, Dave.


I Iike that. 	 Not as funny as you.


That's why I didn't make the next fIight. 	 What went on on that flight?


HaIf Irish, haIf ItaIian, haIf Mexican. 	 I could be. But, no.


What do you mean? Let me expIain something. There are two kinds of angry peopIe: expIosive and impIosive. 	 Explosive is the kind of individual that you see screaming at the cashier... ...for not taking their coupons.


Dave's particuIars. I'II see you soon. 	 The Yanks are great this season.


I was a reaI cretin then. 	 Did you get it on with my sister?


Miss? Excuse me, miss? 	 Wake up to the sound of kids screaming.


My nippIes! 	 You're damn right, baby!


CouId I maybe get that headset, pIease? 	 I don't know where a headset ties into patriotism.


Excuse me. 	 If you won't cooperate--


More good news, you won't have to Iisten to those Iame jokes... ...because I'm onIy here for one session. 	 Hi. Good news, l fed my anger monkey a banana this morning... ...and he's feeling much better.


I just.... I want to answer your question. 	 I'm just not doing it right, l guess.


We couId've been too. 	 Thanks for being my best friend.


I'm not having sex with a she-maIe! 	 Great. Can l go throw up now?


Thanks. 	 A bad mood.


That's what made it so funny. 	 -I am tired.


Is that what you've come here to teII me? 	 I'll kill you! You want that rake?


I guess not. 	 We don't....


Yeah, if I don't get caught popping any JeIIy Stingers. 	 That is your poem. I love that poem.


-This is your young Iady? 	 Yes, it's a good picture of her.


You're the un-porker. 	 No. I didn't mean that.


-I'm not Iaughing at him. 	 Goosfraba.


WeII, at a great deaI of expense and effort... ...we've managed to Iocate your grade schooI bęte noire, Arnie Shankman. 	 Could you excuse him for a second, Peanuts? His name's not Peanuts.


It's just that monks, they taIk shit... ...but they can't back it up. 	 I haven't done that in, like, eight months.


No, David! 	 Now!


Now, come, David. 	 I wasn't expecting that from a Buddhist.


Nobody cares. 	 This seat's available.


We're going to sing a song. No. 	 West Side Story.


She Iooked Iike OIivia Newton-John... ...if she was reaIIy ugIy and had huge baIIs. 	 Miracles of modern science.


No more FudgeicIes. -What's an anger aIIy? 	 You come down here before a black wolf swallows my brain!


Goosfraba. 	 That's good. Slower. Goosfraba.


Right here? Yeah. 	 I want everyone to see that your first kiss is with me.


-What's going on? 	 What's going on?


Burn in heII! 	 Yes!


I got arrested at Kennedy. 	 Isn't that normally a girl's name?


What the heII do you think you're doing? 	 I can understand why you wanted to see other people.


But Buddy didn't order you to have sex. I'm getting a caII. 	 I am stimulating my hair follicles... ...and brushing my teeth at the same time.


Thus he has advanced to the second IeveI of my program. 	 This is Becky, his assistant. Just tell him his mom called from Boston.


-When is surgery not serious? Yeah. Yeah. 	 Buddy... ...it was a joke.


Are you trying to get us both kiIIed? 	 Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!


I can't beIieve this. 	 I'll see you at home in a half-hour, keed.


WeIcome back, Mr. Buznik. 	 I don't know about the world, but it's definitely the biggest one in the room.


-I'm sorry. 	 -Hey, fellas.


Before tonight's NationaI Anthem... ...Metropolitan Opera star Robert Merrill... ...will present a special moment for two special people. 	 -Oh, yeah. I've never seen you so excited. It's not every day a man gets to propose marriage... ...to the woman he loves.


WeII, apparentIy Dr. 	 Hi, Nancy.


You Iook a IittIe stressed out. 	 Maybe it's the way his pants fit him.


I'm doing okay myseIf, paI. 	 I love poetry.


Anyway, a triaI separation wiII make you both gain a deeper appreciation... ...for David Buznik. 	 She's not taking a break from the old sausage, huh? Sorry. She's meeting the Andrew at Mort's on 86th Street now... ...if you want to go watch.


AII right. StrictIy as a friend. 	 Those are her keys to my apartment.


I arranged for her to be in the bar and for you to pick her up. You were messing with me? Yeah. 	 Would you forgive me if l told you l called Linda last night... ...after our little fracas and explained that it was my fault?


-Is this your CD coIIection? 	 Wiretaps?


I am stimuIating my hair foIIicIes... ...and brushing my teeth at the same time. 	 Spend some quality time. I'll stay here. It'll be good for you guys.


I have to be to work in eight minutes. 	 What are you doing?


Where the heII's a spot? Where's a spot? 	 -Nobody messes with my microphone.


You can't admit it because you're a piece of garbage. 	 -I bet you beat her good.


-I didn't say that, but I shouId have. -You are so funny. Too bad you're Ieaving town. 	 He was probably just nervous because you're beautiful and....


GIad you think that's funny. 	 -Girls love that.


WeII, we've aII been there. 	 -Nobody talks to my bitch that way. -So l stapled his lips shut. -Here we are.


I don't think so. 	 I don't mean you people.


CaIm down a bit. 	 What's going on?


-I'm so sorry, Dave. Andrew. I'II kiII that guy. 	 Gina, can you stop sucking on Stacy's finger for one second?


No, I toId you, I never sIept with him. 	 I bet he got a lot of snickers in the locker room.


-Which isn't bad. 	 -Your anger ally.


Maybe he'd enjoy the knee-sIapper you toId me about the great Buddha. 	 No, David! Easy, boy! Sorry.


And don't hoId back, okay? 	 I like them when they're really big.


Excuse me. 	 Thank you.


In Europe, it's not considered unusuaI for three or four men to share a bed. 	 In Europe, it's not considered unusual for three or four men to share a bed.


-Yes. 	 Here.


-Who's Chuck? -Your anger aIIy. 	 You tell her to put a sock in it because l need to talk to you right now!


Hey, Dave. 	 Bass fishing. Hey, he caught one.


I'm feeIing angry right now because I onIy have one bed and no couch. 	 I'm feeling very angry right now... ...because l only have one bed and no couch.


I wouId never have done anything with that girI. 	 -Yes. -Yes?! Yes!


Wiretaps? 	 We'll install the wiretaps tomorrow.


Let's not make fun of my God, here. 	 -I started it. -I started it. -It's all right.


-Hi, Dave. Hi. Good news, I fed my anger monkey a banana this morning... ...and he's feeIing much better. 	 Now, Fury Fighters, let's say hello to someone... ...who's joining our quest to get the anger monkeys off our backs:


Oh, boy. 	 You just shoot up there.


David! 	 Now!


I agree. 	 Let me explain something.


Happy now, ass-wipe? 	 Mr. Buznik, l don't know why you hate women.


I think we're getting a picture, Dave. 	 -Let's move on. -Dr. Rydell, l'd like to know something.


For Pete's sake, this is the monk that twisted your tits! 	 That never happened. Then he'd pull out his winkie and tell her... ...it was a strawberry ice-cream cone.


I'm a IittIe embarrassed. I didn't know you were going to be here. 	 That's 25 dollars, pal.


We're in Dave's anger group. 	 Where were you? lt's 1 :00.


Now wait a minute. 	 I'm calm!


WaIk it off. 	 -All right, girls.


I mean, I Iike to consider myseIf her best friend... ...but Andrew is her best friend friend, if that makes any sense. 	 Do you really want the love of your life hanging around with a guy... ...who looks as though he could satisfy a blue whale? Well, it's....


-Not guiIty. 	 Thank God you're okay.


I mean.... 	 The Carpenters are angry?


I'm getting so fat. What? 	 Because l got a girlfriend.


CongratuIations. 	 Yankees winning, beer and hot dogs.


The quiet warmth 	 I think l can handle it.


-Doc, are you insane! 	 I laughed. He cursed.


I'm sure she'd Iove to hang out with a goofy secretary... ...whose onIy taIent is nostriI wiggIing. 	 I see that you have a drink... ...but l could get you another when you're through with that one.


What are you doing here? 	 -Buddy?


She said she's having some minor surgery. 	 What's wrong with my mother? She's having surgery.


Now, Fury Fighters, Iet's say heIIo to someone... ...who's joining our quest to get the anger monkeys off our backs: 	 Not as well as l could've. Remember, Lou, temper's the one thing you can't get rid of by losing it.


I gotta go. Bye. 	 What's up?


-You're not ready. 	 I guess you're better than me.


Where are you? Don't move. 	 Please marry me, Linda.


TeII us who you are. 	 Tell us who you are.


Maybe I better get up to Boston... ...see what's reaIIy going on up there. 	 Yeah, if l don't get caught popping any Jelly Stingers. Well, that's going to be tough!


Damn, man, reminds me of these chicks back in the war. 	 Vietnam, huh?


It'II be good for you guys. Oh, God. 	 I really thought my mother was having surgery.


If you won't cooperate-- 	 -The stewardess just keeps-- -Flight attendant.


No. No. It's actuaIIy quite petite. 	 When you're in a locker room, you must feel good about yourself.


If you think I'm a porker, then just come right out and say it. 	 You gave me the signal. I didn't give you the signal to leave.


PIay Truth or Dare. 	 -You want to?


" We'II be off to work. " Now, by " we'II, " I assume you mean just me, right? 	 Full contact. That will make me look nuts, Buddy, bringing a shrink to work... ...you whipping eggs at people.


-Oh, are you an angry boy? -No. Do you need some discipIine? 	 Patient number 1 35, David Buznik... ...has learned the difference between unhealthy anger and righteous anger.


I pIayed tennis, you dumb-ass! 	 Because there's a lot of nice guys out there and l'm cool with it. I'll be strong.


Why don't you just go up there. 	 A jo-- I....


I was an angry guy. MainIy angry at myseIf... ...for Ietting peopIe treat me Iike crap aII the time. 	 I met with Buddy after reading his book... ...and l told him about some of the things going on in your life... ...and how upset it was making you and how nuts it was making me.


Before I make my decision, you have to do something for me. 	 Did you just call that guy Buddy Rydell?


-Hi, Sara. 	 -Thanks.


-It's Frank. 	 -I didn't. -You broke her nose.


You tub of goo, you scared the heII out of me. 	 -It'll be good for you. -Take off my clothes?


Now, repeat after me, Nate: 	 Listen to me. Stay with me, Nate.


-I think Eskimos are smug. 	 -They do. -I think Eskimos are smug.


I found it crumpIed up behind the sports pages... ...on the fIoor of David's bedroom. 	 Some mindless nitwit is parked behind me. Good. Then we can't go.


Rose RydeII. 	 Wanna sing? Do you know "l Feel Pretty"?


ProbabIy make out with my next boyfriend. 	 Where's your headset?


-Let's move on. -Dr. RydeII, I'd Iike to know something. 	 Why is it that Chuck thinks he can smoke?


You couId sign this for me... ...and teII them I don't have an anger probIem if you want. 	 -Good to see you again. -Good to see you too. That was a crazy flight.


Then why when the idea of sIeeping with me comes up... ...do you aII of a sudden have a " girIfriend " ? 	 Well, of course it did. So did Little Davey need some anger management?


Now the situation is contained. 	 She's cute.


She's meeting the Andrew at Mort's on 86th Street if you want to go watch. 	 -Look, Dave, it's Buddy. -I see.


Wow. This is incredibIe. 	 -Oh, yeah, the headset guy.


Fun party, huh? 	 -Fun party, huh?


Let me get rid of them. 	 -Who's that?


-AII right, girIs. -Let it go. 	 I like that.


It's a no-brainer. Mr. Buznik. 	 In addition, to prevent further acts of rage... ...this court orders you to undergo 20 hours of anger management therapy.


Anyways, you're not a porker. 	 So now l'm too skinny for you?


If I can't, I'II tear him apart with my bare hands. 	 It's all bad. -You think you can help him? -I think so, Your Honor.


-See what? -That guy. 	 Did you see that?


I went out with this guy, and he wouIdn't sIeep with me. 	 Then why when the idea of sleeping with me comes up... ...do you all of a sudden have a "girlfriend"?


I'm gIad I missed work. Can we eat now? 	 Because that is what's on the docket for you if you don't go and ask her out.


I'm caIm! 	 Buznik.


-What's going on with you?! 	 Who?


SeIf-hypnotic negative imagery. 	 My offer stands.


David, I hope you beIieve me when I say this: 	 Frank was nice enough to give me some creative executive position.


WeII, did you get any good promotion news from Mr. 	 I rented the place. I figured it'd be more fun if it was just Brown alumni.


Now go take a Fury Fighters nap, aII right? 	 You've really calmed down since working with Dr.


Patient number 1 35, David Buznik... ...has Iearned the difference between unheaIthy anger and righteous anger. 	 Please hang on. -Hello? -Is Buddy there ?


You toId Linda we shouId have a triaI separation? 	 Very good. What are you guys doing here?


Okay. I Iike that. 	 Obviously, anger management has been a complete failure for you.


Have a great trip, you guys. 	 Now we're bumping into cars.


She's having surgery. I'm sorry. 	 No more clam chowder.


I think I'm going to recommend to the court that we doubIe your time. 	 There are two kinds of angry people: explosive and implosive.


Let's be perfectIy cIear about this. 	 Sit down, Dave.


-Go in! Just go in. 	 I'm so hungry l could eat you, Dave.


This is not the Davis Cup, John, this is group therapy. 	 Set your anger free. Look at you, Lou.


It's a wonderfuIIy therapeutic tooI. 	 It's a wonderfully therapeutic tool.


Your fat-shit cat's been sitting there aII day. 	 Your attention, please.


-Okay. 	 -Very well, thank you.


You can't get that rake from me! 	 Congratulations, keed, you've reached level three.


Where are you from originaIIy, Hebrew MeIvin? 	 Oops, no, l'm not. Whoa! There it is.


I don't gotta be up tiII 7. You've got to make my breakfast. 	 Dave, cooking is very relaxing and therapeutic.


This kid Iost his marbIes. 	 Kiss her, David.


Tonight, romance comes to Yankee Stadium. 	 I want to have kids with you.


Not as weII as I couId've. 	 "l told you not to go there!


Twenty hours in my cIass wouId be pointIess for you. 	 What do you mean?


-Then I'II sign your papers. 	 You know that. All right.


What are you taIking about? 	 It's actually quite petite.


I can't beIieve you actuaIIy started to faII for that crazy man. 	 Chuck. We were just doing a joke. That's my friend.


Come on. Come on. 	 Oh, boy!


She wanted to be Iike the 2000 other girIs who said that to me growing up? 	 If you are calm as well as witty, she will respond. Witty went out the window with the pants explosion thing, thanks.


MiracIes of modern science. 	 Why don't you just go up there.


I'm aIready settIed in here. 	 Just sit in the seat l'm supposed to sit in.


Of course. Excuse me-- What? 	 So we get to her house... ...we have some kind of a weird argument... ...about the number of syllables in a haiku.


But I don't want to be that angry guy anymore. I wanna change. 	 He said that he thought he could help, but it would be tough.


Look! Your sister's back. 	 -I feel good! l feel incredible!


-Yes, it has. 	 -And how are the boys?


Isn't that normaIIy a girI's name? What went on on that fIight? 	 I mean, l accidentally did that.


-You Iook marveIous, Brenda. 	 -Fantastic.


I got it! 	 -Stop!


You've been doing his job for years. You shouId be his-- I'm sorry. 	 Pregnant with the chance currents Of knowledge and love


I wasn't expecting that from a Buddhist. 	 Go! Go! Go!


No, it's bad. It's aII bad. -You think you can heIp him? 	 Well, it's bad that he's talking to her... ...but it's good that....


Wait, don't I know you? 	 I really can.


Now we're even, butt-Iick! 	 You really threw me some curves back there, kid.


There's a rage controI technique I'd Iike to go over with you right now. 	 That did not go down well. Okay. I like that.


My girIfriend got me that. 	 My girlfriend got me that.


-They do. 	 -Eskimos seem nice.


-Here's my number. 	 That's the number.


Not " bIah bIah, " Nate. 	 Goos blah blah.


Buznik, your behavior is unacceptabIe. 	 You have me confused with somebody-- I wanna get on the field.


You tie this up tight... ...and away goes the chin. 	 -It's nice.


-DefiniteIy. Have fun. 	 -You swear to me this will work?


My approach dictates intense observation. 	 -What stuff? We've got 30 days to control your anger.


-Take off my cIothes? 	 -What's up, baby?


I mean, group members... ...are not supposed to get romanticaIIy invoIved. 	 After dinner, she insisted we go home. So we hop on the bus-- The bus?


His boyfriend is gay. 	 His name is David.


You guys are freaks. 	 -I feel like dancing. She looked like Olivia Newton-John... ...if she was really ugly and had huge balls.


I gotta go. I think he's coming. 	 -Beware the fury of the patient man.


Let me hear the potentiaIIy upsetting news. 	 I thought you'd want your picture in there. No?


Maybe I better get up to Boston... ...see what's going on up there. 	 You don't have to cry anymore. -A joke? -Yeah.


You shouId bring me sometime. 	 Oh, my God, it's Dave.


I pulled an all nighter. 	 Louis.


-You said I was out! 	 I whizzed on him.


I didn't mean that. -Is this what you want, Dave? 	 She seemed a little bit bent out of shape.


AII right. 	 -So he's laughing at you.


-WeII, I-- -FamiIy doesn't count. -Maybe I'II take dare. 	 -Maybe l'll take dare.


How? I wiII be uncharacteristicaIIy aggressiveIy boring. 	 You had your crazy, corroded tongue in my girlfriend's mouth?


Here we go. 	 Get this moving.


-That's him? -Yes. 	 I think l better get going.


Are you kidding me? 	 Come on. Come on.


Where are we? 	 You could say l've gone through a rather dramatic transformation.


Sorry about waking you up. 	 "Oh! Sara saw my pee-pee!"


-What are you doing here? 	 For the love of Mike!


You wiII. 	 Good to see you guys hugging.


The anger sharks are swimming in my head. You gotta dunk that shit! 	 The anger sharks are swimming in my head.


I Iike them when they're reaIIy big. 	 It's my job. Bullshit!


Andrew, the testicIe with Iegs. " The testicIe with Iegs. " Great! ! 	 Stop with the cupcake! Rise and shine, Sir Snoozola.


Care to visit? 	 -Oh, are you an angry boy?


Buddy RydeII is a psycho! 	 Well....


Your job is to steaI my girIfriend?! 	 It was nothing. Little five-second kiss.


I gotta teII you something personaI! 	 Kiss her, David.


I won't Iet you do this to us! 	 I can't believe you actually started to fall for that crazy man.


He was just a kid Iashing out... ...because his sister got sent to an insane asyIum. 	 You pulled my gym shorts down in front of Sara Plowman.


Is there a probIem here, sir? 	 "You people"? Now wait a minute.


Because I've got to earn that promotion. 	 A coursing underground river


-Why'd you ditch me? 	 Pretty good one too.


AII right. AII right. AII right. 	 Is that what you've come here to tell me?


-Nobody taIks to my bitch that way. 	 -Stacy bit my toe off.


Very good. 	 Have fun.


I'm going to assign you an anger aIIy... ...to heIp caIm you down when you're Iosing it. 	 Heard we're partnering up, huh? -Yes. -Here's my number.


-Thanks. I hope so. -Good night. 	 If l had to do 20 hours of that, l'd end up killing myself.


I wanna get on the fieId. I'm a fan of Mr. MerriII's. 	 Mainly angry at myself... ...for letting people treat me like crap all the time.


What is it with you peopIe? " You peopIe " ? 	 I just want to watch the movie.


What's your pIan, ask her at a Yankee game? 	 Can we eat now?


-CertainIy. Thank you. 	 Oh, my God, it was disgusting.


-What eIse couId I do, huh? 	 -No. We're okay.


Goosfraba. 	 I'm glad your car died.


What does she do? 	 Or a genius.


You're busy? We're aII busy, okay? You come down here before a bIack woIf swaIIows my brain! 	 Hookers, booze, shooting holes in the ceiling, screaming myself to sleep.


-Why? -I heard her on her ceII phone... ...taIking to a guy... 	 I'm supposed to date other people so l figured l'd give it a try.


It was no one's fauIt, I guess. It was just-- 	 -You gave him the job that l wanted?


Oh, boy, here we go. -HeIIo. 	 I'm from a little Bavarian village called Lickin Zee Dickin.


We wiII proceed when you are centered. 	 We're going to sing a song.


Goosfraba. 	 -Goosfraba.


I want two eggs, over easy and unfertiIized... ...wheat toast, dry, and pIease... ...teII me you've got ketchup. 	 There's a Denny's down the street. Not only do they have ketchup... ...but they got the angriest waitresses l've seen.


For the Iove of Mike! This guy's your girI's best friend? 	 Really? l didn't notice that.


You're the biggest backstabbing piece of crap I ever met. 	 Poetry garbage. She said it was getting late, we kissed and l headed on home.


I caIIed you nasty names. You puIIed my gym shorts down in front of Sara PIowman. 	 And she moaned like a wildebeest.


What are you guys doing here? 	 Lucky son of a bitch.


-Beware the fury of the patient man. -I'm serious! 	 Let's take a walk on the wild side.


-Okay. 	 Are you out there, honey?


Oh, yeah. 	 Always a blast being with your friends.


Look at this actress here. 	 I can just watch the movie with you. Excuse me.


No, I can't do that. 	 We're in Dave's anger group.


-You think I onIy tapped your phone? What was she saying? 	 I thought that you said five seconds.


Let's take a waIk on the wiId side. 	 It's worth 50 bucks... ...if you get in the back seat with my friend here and have a little chat.


Yeah, unfortunateIy. 	 No, l told you, l never slept with him.


I beIieve that radicaI, round-the-cIock therapy... ...is the onIy way to effect a meaningfuI and positive change in your behavior. 	 You've been deemed a threat to society. I believe that radical, round-the-clock therapy... ...is the only way to effect a meaningful and positive change... ...in your behavior.


My boss is going to go nuts on me if we're Iate, so pIease? 	 What is that? ls that good?


If you give me a chance... ...I can show you that I got the guts to stand up for what I beIieve in. 	 So how much of this thing was a setup? Well, the guy in your seat on the plane, the flight attendant, thejudge... ...they're all friends of Buddy's.


-Andrew. Good to see you guys hugging. 	 I wasn't able to talk to him about that yet, but l will.


Now we're bumping into cars. 	 Nobody wants to settle down with a 35-year-old secretary. Procrastination, Dave.


WeII, how do you feeI, Chuck? 	 Now l feel like kicking his ass.


Separating from Linda is a cruciaI part of our strategy. 	 Why don't you go look for him?


You reaIIy threw me some curves back there, kid. I never expected it to go that way. 	 Buddy thinks that a trial separation will ultimately... ...strengthen our relationship.


Anyways, I don't cheat on Linda. 	 So you really didn't talk to Linda.


You're in anger management? 	 He doesn't like people touching his clubs.


I'II see you at home in a haIf-hour, keed. 	 I've got some good news for you and some potentially upsetting news.


-Speaking of Linda, she caIIed earIier. 	 Of course l did.


I didn't beat anybody. I touched a woman. Liar. 	 Dave assaulted a female flight attendant in midair.


FIight attendant, Your Honor. 	 Flight attendant, Your Honor.


Excuse me, Arnie Shankman? 	 Humor is the spice of life. The look on your face was priceless.


Linda, I've Ioved you since the day I met you! 	 That wasn't so bad, was it?


What's the matter? 	 Rose.


I just haven't been sIeeping a Iot IateIy so I was trying to catch some.... 	 What is your position on breast implants?


-I did, sir. 	 Never been to St.


-Dr. B, how's it going? 	 Linda, think about what you're doing to us.


Let me ask you something. 	 Excuse me--


I Iaughed. He cursed. 	 Table for three?


I agree with that. 	 I was way too smashed to drive.


I don't know. 	 She loves you, but she recognizes you're a neurotic mess.


Do you mean the kid who buIIied me in fifth grade? 	 For Pete's sake, this is the monk that twisted your tits!


Kids who have your eyes... ...and your Iips... ...and my... ...Iast name. 	 Skipper, how you doing?


I think you've got room to back up. 	 Putting up a "Marry me, please" on the scoreboard... ...proclaiming my love for her in front of thousands of strangers.


And then I asked MeIo back to the house with us... ...which is cooI, because, weII, we Iike a IittIe variety. 	 -...which was cool, it was in the script. -Sure.


ExactIy. Here we go. Go get them, Mr. 	 ...when l am on the verge... ...of exploding in my pants.


Now, you say you kissed? 	 Court is adjourned.


AIso, if you are unabIe to stop masturbating... ...pIease do so without the use of any pornographic images... ...depicting quote-unquote " angry sex. " 	 -Under my supervision. Also, if you are unable to stop masturbating... ...please do so without the use of any pornographic images... ...depicting quote-unquote "angry sex."


-I don't know. 	 -What's an anger ally?


And I took a dump on his porch. 	 I don't know about all that, but now l understand why you're here.


-Come on. -Where's your German accent? 	 Buddy Rydell is a psycho!


Let's go, crazy man. 	 I've gotta go.


AII right. How's this? 	 You could sign this for me... ...and tell them l don't have an anger problem if you want.


I don't care for the way you've ironed my shirts, Dave. 	 Are you a homophobe, Dave?


WeII, I am an executive assistant... ...at a major pet products company. 	 Well, l am an executive assistant... ...at a major pet products company.


So I saw your boy Andrew at the urinaI. 	 What are you talking about? Never really seen nothing like that before.


-...which was cooI, it was in the script. 	 Well, we're in the adult film industry. And we're lovers.


And I think it's better when they're enormous. 	 Your job is to steal my girlfriend?!


-I didn't. 	 Toxic Anger Syndrome.


I can't just sign your papers. 	 They actually sentenced me to anger management for that.


-Okay. 	 I dare you to kiss me.


My name is Pana Kamanana... ...but, yes, I was once known as Arnie Shankman. 	 So Pena likes the spicy humor. Maybe he'd enjoy the knee-slapper you told me about the great Buddha.


No, I just.... 	 No, l just....


Fury Fighters! WeII, gee whiz. 	 When you hear what happened, you'll bow down and worship me like a god.


I smeII the effIuvium of pain and frustration. 	 What are you doing here? Well, well, well. The lair of the rage rhino.


Buznik. I see you've managed to brutaIize a cocktaiI waitress this time. 	 I see you've managed to brutalize a cocktail waitress this time.


WeII, I'm sorry, Dave, but I don't Iie for my patients. 	 Maybe just hum a little "l Feel Pretty."


You're jeaIous... ...seIf-Ioathing, resentfuI, insecure and a premature ejacuIator. 	 -...making a date. -I'm so sorry, Dave. Andrew.


After she dates a coupIe of Iosers, she'II be begging you to take her back. 	 No. No, l can't do that.


Maybe you couId give me an exampIe of what a good answer wouId be. 	 Maybe you could give me an example of what a good answer would be. What did you say?


Louis... ...that I was on when they had to turn the pIane around? 	 That's why l didn't make the next flight. You said your apartment caught fire.


He was probabIy just nervous because you're beautifuI and.... 	 If anything, you could even gain a few pounds.


-I'm sure your audition wiII go weII. 	 That was a little bit insane.


Better. 	 How do you feel?


We do desire a confrontation with him, do we not? 	 It's Pana Manapia. You want me to fight a monk?


Why, is it huge? No. No. 	 Like, "What the hell's that thing?"


ReaIIy? 	 -I sat next to you on the plane.


WeII, weII, weII. 	 -Good evening. Ready to get it on?


We ordered the drinks 1 5 minutes ago and I kind of gotta get back. 	 I kid you not, l have seen some shit.


She toId you I was a premature ejacuIator? 	 I'll kill that guy.


I was at the store. I ate bad guacamoIe and I couIdn't stop shitting! 	 "The testicle with legs." Great! !


We'II instaII the wiretaps tomorrow. 	 B? -No thanks, Dan.


You don't want to go there. " 	 So my boss, he was talking to me about how many sick days l've taken.


RydeII brought up an interesting fact about me being a procrastinator... ...and I was going to wait for a Yankee game to do this... ...but.... 	 My strategy is to keep my girlfriend.


I see that you have a drink... ...but I couId get you another when you're through with that one. Bite me. Nice meeting you. 	 I'm sorry l was so rude before... ...but it's difficult for me to express myself... ...when l'm on the verge of exploding in my pants.


WeII, then I guess I'II just do what he suggested. I don't think that we shouId see each other for a whiIe. 	 And ifyou want to start seeing... ...other penises-- People... ...l want you to feel free.


Bass fishing. Hey, he caught one. 	 Now that is a big one, folks.


Dave, you're describing your personaIity. 	 Dave, you're describing your personality. I want to know...


But he kept on about wanting to see a doctor's note or something. 	 -Okay. -Shall we? -Oh, yes.


Another great performance by the master of anger controI. 	 Think you can do better? I'm going to ask her to marry me when l'm ready.


He said her name was Rose. Rose. 	 Are you such a hot stud that you'll break me in two?!


-GirIs Iove that. 	 Bite me.


However, I did insist that we not go forward without your bIessing... ...because we're best friends. 	 Buznik, your behavior is unacceptable. Unacceptable?


I know. 	 I'm surprised your research didn't tell you that.


This is where Gina and I aIways get into a heated debate. 	 What are you saying? I'm trying to give you a hand.


Oh, boy! We were Iike Butch and Sundance! 	 Well, then l guess l'll just do what he suggested.


Yankee game. 	 -Where's your German accent?


He's superior. -Maybe Dave's not ready yet, Chuck. 	 And l took a dump on his porch.


Terrific. 	 He's a jerk.


Give me the sports guy, or the porno girIs. 	 Oops, that's a letter l'm writing to Geraldo Rivera.


-Yes. Oh, my. 	 -Is this your CD collection?


You have to kiss me in front of all these people! 	 A guy named Buddy Rydell left this card... ...on what's left of my Lexus! Oh, yeah. For insurance purposes.


Jibber jabbering. 	 Of course not.


If there are 20 naked guys in there, I'm usuaIIy in the top 1 8. 	 -Hello? -Dave, it's me, Chuck. -Who's Chuck?


Remember, Lou, temper's the one thing you can't get rid of by Iosing it. 	 l told you not to go there!" How do you feel you handled that situation?


-He hung up on you again, didn't he? -Yes. 	 You came up with the idea for the Husky Cat clothing line.


SettIe. 	 Wasn't that like 1 2 hours long?


How was the doctor? 	 Not that crowded here.


I toId you not to go there! " 	 But he kept talking and talking, being such a nag... ...and then l just blacked out.


WeII, that's going to be tough! 	 I found it crumpled up behind the sports pages... ...on the floor of David's bedroom.


WeII, it's bad that he's taIking to her... ...but it's good that.... 	 So do you have a take on this Buznik guy?


I mean, I gotta be there by 9:00. 	 "Wherever you look... ...there's something to be seen."


You couId say I've gone through a rather dramatic transformation. 	 You know what else Dave finds particularly piquant?


-Yes. 	 I need to see Dr.


You may not use rage-enhancing substances... ...such as caffeine, nicotine, aIcohoI, crack cocaine... ...SIippy-FIippies, JeIIy Stingers, Trick Sticks... ...Bing Bangs or FIying WiIIards. 	 You may not use rage-enhancing substances... ...such as caffeine, nicotine, alcohol, crack cocaine... ...Slippy-Flippies, Jelly Stingers, Trick Sticks... ...Bing Bangs or Flying Willards. -How about Fiddle Faddles?


So the guy asked me for change. 	 Good evening.


Dave assauIted a femaIe fIight attendant in midair. -Nice. -I bet you beat her good. 	 More good news, you won't have to listen to those lame jokes... ...because l'm only here for one session.


He just gave me a Iook. 	 -See what? -That guy.


It's worth 50 bucks... ...if you get in the back seat with my friend here and have a IittIe chat. 	 Great. Where are you from originally, Hebrew Melvin? Brooklyn.


WeII, that's okay, because I'm a Iady. 	 Your services are no longer required.


I'm over here! 	 Kiss her, David!


But if you faiI to strictIy adhere to the ruIes of his program... ...you wiII spend the next year in state prison. 	 Rydell... ...l'm placing you in his intensive anger management program... ...for 30 days.


You're angry right now. 	 I was at the store.


Oh, IittIe MeatbaII. 	 -Is it awesome there?


Record your thoughts on this whenever you feeI angry. 	 Record your thoughts on this whenever you feel angry.


She Ioves you, but she recognizes you're a neurotic mess. 	 -I heard her on her cell phone... ...talking to a guy...


Friends? 	 This doesn't look like him.


Yeah, weII, that's why I'm proud to be an American. 	 Yeah, well, that's why l'm proud to be an American.


Okay. Bye. 	 -Have a good flight.


Are you such a hot stud that you'II break me in two?! 	 You could've told her something else. I was at the bank.


-What's wrong? 	 Rose Rydell.


-I said over easy! ! 	 Now, why did l do that?


Just tell him his mom called from Boston. 	 They took her to the hospital, Buddy.


Go! Go! Go! 	 It's just that monks, they talk shit... ...but they can't back it up.


I don't know. I'm not Iaughing at you. 	 Because l'm not laughing.


Maybe it's the way his pants fit him. 	 Oh, my, my, my.


What's up? 	 It's....


You think that's funny? 	 "What's that, Auntie Em?


...when I am on the verge... ...of expIoding in my pants. 	 What's the matter? -You gotta be kidding me. -What's wrong?


WeII, it's.... 	 Poetry teacher.


-Friends? -You suck! 	 Rydell explained everything to me, and l get it.


-Better be good. Give it to me. -Okay. 	 So, what do you say, Dave?


Truth or dare? 	 Truth.


-AII right. I'm sorry. 	 Don't worry.


I'm just recording your demeanor upon awakening. 	 Good to see you got your underwear back on.


-Get out of here. -Trust me, Dave. If you are caIm as weII as witty, she wiII respond. 	 I'm sorry l was so rude before... ...but it's difficult for me... ...to express myself...


-HeIIo? 	 No.


Now that is a big one, folks. 	 Yeah, you like those foot-long hot dogs, don't you?


Why is it that Chuck thinks he can smoke? 	 I do whatever l want when l want, you little Spanish fruit topping.


You know what eIse Dave finds particuIarIy piquant? 	 And l'm gonna finish it! Now we're even, butt-lick!


We aIways do. 	 Girls, why don't you tell Dave what brought you here.


What's the matter? 	 You're all l got, Mom.


I hear you. He's yours. 	 I hear you.


I didn't ask for a traffic report. 	 You're in anger management?


-Who was great on Police Woman. Thank you. 	 Try to wiggle out, you're going to get a ding.


That was a IittIe bit insane. 	 Twenty hours in my class would be pointless for you.


Linda and I have faIIen for one another. 	 Can l get two couches in my office? If friends come over, l want them to feel comfortable.


No, he's in the shower right now. 	 What's the matter?


-Come on, Dave. Join us. -Okay. 	 I'm sure he'd love to listen to what you guys have to say.


It's not serious, but she'll be at Boston County Hospital for the next two days. 	 I'm sorry. -Is it serious? -When is surgery not serious?


Remember, for 22 more days, you are mine. 	 All right. All right.


She teaches poetry. Poetry teacher. I Iove poetry. 	 But if you could prove that he's nuts: audiotape, video, picture, whatever... ...l'll arrange a hearing.


How did it go, paI? 	 Kendra is an ex-patient of mine, an actress.


No. I don't think you're a porker. 	 I gave you the signal to say your gross pickup line actually worked.


Chuck. Not Chuck. 	 "You're going to die, bitch."


Sit down, Dave. 	 Guys, l don't think you should be moving in with me.


-Get in gear. 	 Always a thrill.


Good evening. 	 I want to have a family with you.


We're even now. -I went crazy. I'm so sorry. 	 Oh, my God! l thought you were going to shoot somebody!


Go! Come on, Iet's go! Now! 	 You know, when l was on the phone with Buddy, he gave me some advice.


I couId be. 	 Are you Jewish?


-Eskimos seem nice. 	 -I see.


But if you couId prove that he's nuts: audiotape, video, picture, whatever... ...I'II arrange a hearing. 	 I don't care for the way you've ironed my shirts, Dave. Try it again.


I'm sure he'd Iove to Iisten to what you guys have to say. 	 Hear what he said? Let's introduce Dave to some of the rest of us.


Oh, my God, it was disgusting. 	 For crying out loud.


No. 	 He's yours.


-Very much. 	 And l believe in us, Linda.


In case 723, assauIt and battery against a fIight attendant... ...I find you guiIty. 	 Anger management?


Were you Iaughing with me? Because I'm not Iaughing. 	 Am l out of line, or is this guy pushing me?


Yes. 	 -Who's this?


Oh, my, my, my. 	 I gotta go. I think he's coming.


Dave and Chuck... ...working together as a team. 	 -It's a win-win situation. -Yeah, feels it. Dave's particulars.


Pena! 	 -How did it feel?


That's your soIution for everything. 	 Would you like a boobs--?


Over and over again. 	 This party's by invitation only.


We're trying to have dinner. 	 Oh, my God.


-ShaII we? 	 How's this?


CIothes for cats isn't reaIIy a new idea... ...but there was never reaIIy a Iine made for overweight cats... ...who might feeI a IittIe seIf-conscious... ...about how they Iook in certain outfits. 	 You tie this up tight... ...and away goes the chin. I'm so handsome. -Hey, Dave.


Here's your Rémy, Linda. 	 -Better be good.


We agreed to take a break. 	 -Nice to meet you.


-Dave, it's me, Chuck. 	 That's my girlfriend.


Who toId you about that? Linda's my best friend. 	 Well, well, well.


I can understand why you wanted to see other peopIe. 	 Don't change the subject. You're telling me the past two weeks of my life was just therapy?


I'm not a cheater. 	 Confidence is the key to winning a young lady's attention.


He's giving you a wet wiIIie and making you chew on his jockstrap... ...and fart bIossom and aII this. 	 -Friends? -You suck! Shankman!


He's just not used to maIe intimacy. 	 I'm not having sex with a she-male! Relax! Galaxia, you may get out of the car now.


I want you to teII us who you are. 	 I want you to tell us who you are.


There was a IittIe bit of a tie up on the bridge. 	 -I'm his anger management therapist.


Of course not. 	 Answer me, Buznik!


What part of Germany do you haiI from? 	 Dancing. Oh, my God.


Sarcasm is anger's ugIy cousin. 	 How is that possible? Sarcasm is anger's ugly cousin.


The angry man opens his mouth and shuts his eyes. 	 No matter how old l get, always a culinary delight.


I have a girIfriend. 	 -That chick was killer.


This doesn't Iook Iike him. 	 Jeez, l don't think that it was.


What is that? Is that good? 	 The magic of Leonard Bernstein and Stephen Sondheim's... ...


I don't want to sing a song. I want to go to.... 	 "l Feel Pretty."


Dave thinks they couId beat SeattIe's win record. 	 Andrew, don't start or l can't hang out with you anymore.


Your services are no Ionger required. 	 I'm a lady.


He's got a dozen Iawsuits pending. So it's not just me. 	 I just heard you guys got cleaner seats than us.


You're messing with me. 	 Yankee game.


Andrew... ...from unIeashing the Whopper with Cheese. 	 Wait. Wait. You're having this horrible evening.


I hope you have it. 	 Where's a spot?


My pIan is to get the headset from you, watch the movie and Iaugh... ...in a very cooperative way. 	 Calm down. I am calm. What is it with you people?


I don't think we'II make it on time. 	 Look, Dave.


What office? 	 Linda!


Linda. -Hey, Dave. 	 Well, did you get any good promotion news from Mr.


Dave, cooking is very reIaxing and therapeutic. 	 I want two eggs, over easy and unfertilized... ...wheat toast, dry, and please... ...tell me you've got ketchup.


And the beret to take attention off his pIump head. 	 Really? l've been wanting to play golf with him a long time.


-Do not raise your voice to me, sir. 	 Is there a problem here, sir?


Who? Nobody. I'm so hungry I couId eat you, Dave. 	 When Linda sees what the dating world is really like... ...then guess who comes out smelling like a white mushroom?


AIways a thriII. Right this way. 	 Sweet tackle.


The good news is, I aIready Iaunched a preemptive strike. 	 First it was a five-second one... ...and then a little break because my beard gave her a tickle.


Once I ran naked through a subway station. -How was that supposed to work? 	 Give her a five-second Frencher!


I got Casper in my cIothes! -Pretty good. 	 I feel bad about molesting his sister all those times, but it's all right!


Sorry. 	 Ladies, this is Buddy Rydell.


Good job, Chuck. 	 Where's the coffee cake? l was looking forward to it.


So now I'm too skinny for you? 	 -Speaking of Linda, she called earlier.


Rise and shine, Sir SnoozoIa. 	 David Buznik.


-Ladies and gentlemen, Robert Merrill. 	 I won't let you do this to us!


WeII, that unruIy passenger was me. 	 -It's Frank. -Fran.


-No. 	 -About what?


WeII, you had a rough night. 	 Sorry about waking you up.


-Got something against guys with hair? 	 -What the hell? Got something against guys with hair?


Thank you for allowing me to come on this trip-- 	 Yeah. Yeah. Okay, that sounds great.


You know what? 	 -Whoa, there it is.


Try some deep breathing. 	 Where are we?


He shouId give you a promotion. 	 Bring that up on the trip.


I think we're gonna need another session or two Johnny Mac. -You're back in the group. 	 So the guy asked me for change.


I don't want you Iistening to any angry music. The Carpenters are angry? 	 I don't want you listening to any angry music.


-In! I'm changing the caII! 	 -You should've tossed a rock at him.


-Who's this? 	 Because of that unruly passenger in coach.


Oops, that's a Ietter I'm writing to my father. -I see. -My bad. 	 Dave and Chuck... ...working together as a team.


No, I'm a puIIing-my-penis-out- in-front-of-you-a-phobe. 	 And are they all aware that you despise them? Looking for company, baby? No.


HoIy shit. 	 -What else could l do? -What else could you do?


I was wondering if I couId buy you a drink. 	 Just go over there and repeat the following... ...verbatim:


That wiII make me Iook nuts, Buddy, bringing a shrink to work... ...you whipping eggs at peopIe. 	 It's not a weakness.


This is a bit awkward. 	 Give it to me. -Okay.


Now then, we need to go over some ground ruIes. 	 Now then, we need to go over some ground rules.


I'm centered, I'm centered. 	 No.


He's a psycho. Don't suIk, Dave. Eat. 	 "We'll be off to work." Now, by "we'll," l assume you mean just me, right?


-Thanks, Buddy. -Bye-bye. 	 Here you go.


Dave, I got this for you. 	 Dave, l got this for you.


If I had Iost my temper... ...wouId I have had the presence of mind... ...to Ieave my card and my insurance information? 	 I even think about how l'm going to pop the question. Husky down jacket. Husky Eskimo look.


We mustn't absorb and repress. 	 Yeah, yeah.


I gotta work. 	 -Dave... ...you've got a lot more going for you than wiggly nostrils.


You hear that frog? 	 Nope.


We can hang out at my pIace untiI you get in touch with him. I bet there's Iike 50 RydeIIs in here. 	 Kendra... ...even though l'd love to see you take that bra off... ...because it represents a team l've hated my entire life... ...l think you gotta keep it on.


Your attention, please. 	 -Everything all right, Buddy?


I'm from a IittIe Bavarian viIIage caIIed Lickin Zee Dickin. 	 What does this have to do with anger management?


Looking for company, baby? 	 That's my Hebrew name. I'm Galaxia.


So I've been thinking about it, Linda... ...and a triaI separation is exactIy what we need. 	 We're here. -Both of you showed up? -You like Stacy better or something?


Like, " What the heII's that thing? " 	 -Who's that?


Don't be naive, Dave. " CIose to You. " " We've OnIy Just Begun. " 	 l mean.... Don't be naive, Dave. "Close to You."


I think your girIfriend's cheating on you. 	 I guess not. Are those your friends?


WeIcome back, Mr. 	 Welcome back, Mr. Buznik.


I mean, you Iike comedies? 	 Look at this actress here.


Did you expose yourseIf... ...to my sister? 	 You can't get that rake from me! Look, everybody!


ExpIosive is the kind of individuaI that you see screaming at the cashier... ...for not taking their coupons. 	 Implosive is the cashier who remains quiet, day after day... ...and finally shoots everyone in the store.


AII right. 	 I know.


Okay, that sounds great. 	 Terrific.


-I think I might. 	 Of course.


That's why I got the baggy sweater on him, to cover up his gut. 	 -I played golf with Frank. He's friends with my dad. We're members of the same country club.


Whatever. 	 I wanna change.


This seat's avaiIabIe. 	 You're very welcome.


-I'm Dave. Let me buy you a drink. 	 I bet there's like 50 Rydells in here.


I feIt bad for him. 	 If there are 20 naked guys in there, l'm usually in the top 1 8.


Husky Eskimo Iook. 	 I'm glad l missed work.


Is this SIow And Stupid Waitress Day? 	 Explosions everywhere.


There it is. I feeI Iike dancing. 	 You guys are freaks.


-You swear to me this wiII work? 	 Well, l suppose you're right.


Oh, man. He was on fire that year. 	 She'll be a very lucky lady.


I couIdn't take it anymore... ...so finaIIy I just teII my boss: " Hey, baIdy, if I want crap out of you, I'II squeeze your head. " 	 Well, l see it, and l didn't five years ago. I went out with this guy, and he wouldn't sleep with me. And l asked him why, and he said that when he saw me without my clothes... ...that l look like a porker.


-You gotta be kidding me. 	 Rose Rydell.


The Iair of the rage rhino. 	 Get what on?


I haven't done that in, Iike, eight months. 	 We agreed to take a break.


RydeII has a history of unorthodox techniques. 	 What are you doing in the ladies' room? Sorry.


I'm more comfortabIe there. 	 Listen, ladies! Gentleman! Lentleman!


First it was a five-second one... ...and then a IittIe break because my beard gave her a tickIe. 	 Are you kidding me?


I've got some good news for you and some potentiaIIy upsetting news. 	 That's a good picture, l think. What the hell is this?!


-Are you crazy?! 	 Nobody.


This is where Arnie Shankman Iives? You're kidding me. You're going to make me confront a monk. 	 Anyways, what l wanted to say to you was... ...when we were kids, you kind of bullied me around a little bit... ...and l never really did anything to deserve that kind of treatment.


And take me home, you psychotic piece of wacko. 	 We do desire a confrontation with him, do we not?


Now, why did I do that? Because I refused to spoon with you Iast night? 	 The angry man opens his mouth and shuts his eyes.


The fIight attendant keeps ignoring me when-- 	 I'm not a racist.


Nate. 	 Walk it off.


You've been deemed a threat to society. 	 Let's be perfectly clear about this.


You came up with the idea for the Husky Cat cIothing Iine. 	 He should give you a promotion. There's a creative executive position that just opened up, so....


Kendra is an ex-patient of mine, an actress. Pretty good one too. 	 So, what, we're not going to talk at all?


I Iike to sIeep in the nude. 	 I like to sleep in the nude.


You're a woman beater. 	 -Nice.


I've been getting your coffee and doing your work for five years now. 	 -Galaxia. It's Gary. Whatever.


I gave you the signaI to say your gross pickup Iine actuaIIy worked. 	 You were messing with me? Yeah.


Oh, my God. 	 Give me the tape recorder.


That having been said, I'm a pretty good guy... ...and I think you'II be pIeasantIy surprised... ...at how much fun we can have together. 	 That having been said, l'm a pretty good guy... ...and l think you'll be pleasantly surprised... ...at how much fun we can have.


They actuaIIy sentenced me to anger management for that. 	 You don't remember me, do you?


This is your office? 	 Linda's my best friend.


I'm just making a IittIe room to back up. 	 I'm not procrastinating.


Never reaIIy seen nothing Iike that before. 	 I felt bad for him.


Kiss her, David! 	 I'm not afraid. Dr.


What? 	 Oh, God.


-You're so sweet, Dave. -WeII, you're sweet, Kendra. 	 If l put on a few pounds... ...will you be able to stifle your vomit long enough to have sex with me?!


Very strong. 	 Linda?


Good evening. TabIe for three? -May we take your coats? 	 Since you've been out of the picture... ...Andrew's been burning up the wires night and day... ...trying to rekindle those hotsie-totsie nights up at Brown U.


Good to see you got your underwear back on. 	 6:30? I don't gotta be up till 7.


Someone eIse wiII marry my woman if you don't Iet me go. -Hebrew MeIvin's in Iove. 	 If you give me a chance... ...l can show you that l got the guts to stand up for what l believe in.


I'II never meet anyone as good as you. 	 -Hey, Dave. -Andrew.


AIpha-Bits. 	 No explanation for the egg throwing.


You teII her to put a sock in it because I need to taIk to you right now! We're a IittIe busy right now. 	 After l got kicked out of the Army, l went through a real bad time:


You must never be ashamed that you sought heIp for yourseIf, Dave. 	 I mean, l gotta be there by 9:00. I don't think we'll make it on time.


Try it again. -I've been very patient with you. 	 No, l'm a pulling-my-penis-out- in-front-of-you-a-phobe.


Lucky son of a bitch. 	 -The ball's already up in the air.


My presentation's in two hours. 	 Whoa! Watch it, man!


No. 	 I called you nasty names.


WeII, weII, weII. 	 -That's my Linda. My, oh, my.


Since you've been out of the picture... ...Andrew's been burning up the wires night and day... ...trying to rekindIe those hotsie-totsie nights up at Brown U. 	 -I wish l knew, keed. We were both pretty geezed up. One second we're fighting, and the next second we're laughing... ...and then just a quick 1 0-second kiss.


My friend took off on me. 	 Rose Rydell. Rose Rydell! l got it!


And breaking that promise, to me, is unacceptabIe. 	 Good evening. Tonight, romance comes to Yankee Stadium.


West Side Story. 	 Wow. Sorry.


-You reaIIy moIested a crazy girI? 	 -Can l talk to you alone, please? -Sure you can--


That's my Hebrew name. I'm GaIaxia. 	 He's just not used to male intimacy.


I feeI bad about moIesting his sister aII those times, but it's aII right! 	 Dave. You're late.


I'm guessing that's when you decided to shack up with your aunt. 	 I'm sorry. I be right with you.


CaIm down. 	 Mr.


When you're in a Iocker room, you must feeI good about yourseIf. 	 -I don't know. Let me get rid of them.


Linda?! Linda! 	 -I think it's Regis Philbin.


Maybe just hum a IittIe " I FeeI Pretty. " No! ! How about you hum the " I'm a Crazy AsshoIe " song? 	 Well, at a great deal of expense and effort... ...we have managed to locate your grade school bęte noire... ...Arnie Shankman.


You want Lou to teII you who you are? 	 You want Lou to tell you who you are?


-Can I taIk to you aIone, pIease? 	 -This is a free country! -What's going on with you?!


HoId that thought, Chuck. 	 Hold that thought, Chuck.


You had a hard day. Let me buy you a miIk shake. 	 Hey, Dave.


Okay. My bad. Moving on. 	 Happy now, ass-wipe?


Dave said, " How does a guy who weighs over 600 pounds... ...have the baIIs to teach peopIe about seIf-discipIine? " 	 -Help me. -Okay. Come on.


I said I'd have it by 3. 	 -Dr. B, how's it going?


-...thing. 	 I never saw it.


-Good to see you too. 	 Rydell?


TemporariIy, yeah. 	 Well, that unruly passenger was me.


-WouId you Iike a boobs--? 	 What was she saying?


-Are you kidding? 	 Once l ran naked through a subway station.


-He's got a heinie! -I give! -I give! 	 I would never have done anything with that girl.


The Iook on your face was priceIess. " Oh! 	 -You all right? You're all right.


That's good. SIower. 	 Goosfraba.


I was Iooking forward to it. 	 -Thanks. I hope so.


My pIeasure, Mr. Eyebrows. 	 What part of Germany do you hail from?


You want to see goo, I'II show you my ass. 	 If you think l'm a porker, then just come right out and say it.


Now I feeI Iike kicking his ass. Then we'II see who's Iaughing. 	 Think you're better than me because you've got both your nuts?


Oh, we wiII. Bye. 	 I'm just making a little room to back up.


BrookIyn. 	 I feel like dancing.


Retard your anger IeveI a few notches and Iisten to me. 	 Retard your anger level a few notches and listen to me.


Because there's a Iot of nice guys out there and I'm cooI with it. 	 And l think it's better when they're enormous.


ActuaIIy, I Iike to spend most of my time... ...in GirIs Without Wieners-viIIe. 	 -No. Do you need some discipline? No, thank you very--


But he kept taIking and taIking, being such a nag... ...and then I just bIacked out. 	 And l was like, you know, "Don't go there." But he kept on about wanting to see a doctor's note or something.


Psychotic. 	 You'd think it would be packed.


There's a Denny's down the street. Not onIy do they have ketchup, they got the angriest waitresses I've seen. 	 You could have a blast with the goosfraba thing down there.


Yeah, you Iike those foot-Iong hot dogs, don't you? 	 So, now, did this guy grow up near a nuclear power plant or something?


PIease hang on. -HeIIo? 	 It looks really good.


RecaIIing your nut-job sister struggIing with her underpants in a straitjacket. 	 No! Don't! Don't!


Put that there, Dan, thank you very much. 	 What better vantage point than bunkmates?


It's not a weakness. 	 You're not even dressed. The Talmud says:


Just one second, Dave. 	 -Get in gear.


I'm here because I was verbaIIy attacked by my neighbor. 	 You can't admit it because you're a piece of garbage.


Easy, boy! 	 Now! Now!


-What are you taIking about? You gave me the signaI. 	 I arranged for her to be in the bar and for you to pick her up.


-Oh, yes. Yes. So my boss, he was taIking to me about how many sick days I've taken. 	 Just hang for one session... ...so l can at least say l gave you a proper analysis.


-Here we are. 	 -...and calls me a crazy skank.


-I pIayed goIf with Frank. He's friends with my dad. 	 This guy's your girl's best friend?


UnacceptabIe? 	 Merrill's. -There's no fans allowed on that field.


Stop with the cupcake! 	 Pana Kamanana... ...Dave Buznik from elementary school.


You're very weIcome. 	 That's too bad, huh?


This is a difficuIt time for our country. 	 All rise.


What are you doing? 	 There's 1 0,000 people behind us.


I think I can handIe it. So why don't you back up an inch or two. Got it. 	 Well, you're batting a thousand... ...in craziness.


You had your crazy, corroded tongue in my girIfriend's mouth? 	 Numb-nuts, where's the catalog for my Fat Cat clothing line? I said l'd have it by 3.


Whatever, Mr. 	 What's your plan, ask her at a Yankee game?


AIso, not your hobbies, Dave, just simpIe: 	 Also, not your hobbies, Dave, just simple:


Yes, he did. He's a jerk. 	 He didn't say thank you.


Yeah. 	 Oh, boy.


I'm a IittIe fIustered right now. 	 Whoa, man! -Holy shit!


Smoldering beneath the rituals Of hope for familiarity 	 So why don't you back up an inch or two. Got it. Thank you.


WeII, of course it did. So did LittIe Davey need some anger management? 	 You know, just a joke between friends... ...like the one you pulled on me about my dying mother.


Come on. 	 But Buddy didn't order you to have sex.


You know, just a joke between friends... ...Iike the one you puIIed on me about my dying mother. 	 What did she say? Well, she's not mad at you anymore, but she let me have it pretty good.


-You want to? 	 -Sure.


DissembIing is a common tooI of the anger junkie. 	 I.... Jibber jabber. Jibber jabbering.


Putting up a " Marry me, pIease " on the scoreboard... ...procIaiming my Iove for her in front of thousands of strangers. 	 You could have her, you know.


Trying to take away my cane, Your Honor. You cracked a waitress in the face... ...whiIe attempting to steaI a bIind man's cane? 	 You cracked a waitress in the face... ...while attempting to steal a blind man's cane?


-The baII's aIready up in the air. 	 It's got to be done.


Is it worth going back to the penitentiary, Chuck? 	 -I'm not laughing at him.


WeII, we're in the aduIt fiIm industry. 	 -Come on, Dave. Join us. -Okay.


You're right. 	 I'm sorry.


Buddy... ...it was a joke. 	 She's having surgery, but just minor surgery.


He doesn't Iike peopIe touching his cIubs. 	 Might l have your first name, Mr. Head?


-How did it feeI? -I feeI good! I feeI incredibIe! 	 Now, Fury Fighters... ...what keys do we need to possess before we can--?


Goosfraba. 	 Now, repeat after me, Nate:


Iverson just missed a Iay-up at the buzzer, Sixers Iose. 	 Not important. H.e missed the lay-up!


RydeII... ...I'm pIacing you in his intensive anger management program for 30 days. 	 Mr. Buznik... ...because of the enormous respect l have for Dr.


-I wasn't raising my voice. 	 I don't think so.


Goosfraba! 	 Yummy. Yummy.


You're not a beached whaIe. 	 She tried to chocolate me to death.


She tried to chocoIate me to death. 	 All right.


I might be a IittIe bit indecisive at times. 	 I might be a little bit indecisive at times.


That never happened. 	 I got Casper in my clothes!


She's having surgery, but just minor surgery. 	 I know this is really stressing you out. I'm sure that it's going to be over before you know it.


Might I have your first name, Mr. 	 Key, key, key, key, key, key.


Hookers, booze, shooting hoIes in the ceiIing, screaming myseIf to sIeep. 	 We ordered the drinks 1 5 minutes ago and l kind of gotta get back.


Okay, I'II hoId that. 	 -How about a kiss?


-It's been a whiIe. 	 -You look marvelous, Brenda. -Thank you.


Oh, God. 	 And thank you for rescuing it from the floor.


By the way, his name is not Fat-shit Cat, it's MeatbaII... ...and he's eating your crab cakes right now. 	 Oh, shit. I know that crazy man brought you here.


I'm the guy hiding in the frozen food section diaIing 91 1 , I swear. 	 Chuck. Not Chuck. Give me Bobby Knight, or the porno girls.


Okay. 	 No air.


-Both of you showed up? -You Iike Stacy better or something? 	 I mean, group members... ...are not supposed to get romantically involved.


Pow! Pow! 	 But....


Right this way. 	 How?


When Linda sees what the dating worId is reaIIy Iike... ...then guess who comes out smeIIing Iike a white mushroom? 	 B, let it bip. Well, hello.


-It's shower-room humiIiation again. 	 -I give! -I give! -All right.


Do you reaIIy want the Iove of your Iife hanging around with a guy... ...who Iooks as though he couId satisfy a bIue whaIe? 	 What does she do? She teaches poetry.


So we get to her house... ...we have some kind of a weird argument... ...about the number of syIIabIes in a haiku. 	 I'm setting a trial date for 3 weeks from today for attempted murder. As for Dr. Rydell's safety, l'm issuing a restraining order.


No expIanation for the egg throwing. 	 We'll be off to work in a jiffy.


My Iawyer's gay. 	 -Melvin.


Anger management? 	 This is my first day. -It's my first day also.


I don't want you to teII us what you do. 	 I don't want you to tell us what you do.


Got any mustard for that cocktaiI frank, butt-Iick? 	 Got any mustard for that cocktail frank, butt-lick?


Do you want to see me naked, Buddy? 	 -Why are we here? I'm not a homophobe.


WeII, I suppose you're right. 	 Don't worry about him. Here you go.


No. I'm sorry. 	 Put that there, Dan, thank you very much.


Dave just got IeveIed! 	 Go Yankees!


I can just watch the movie with you. 	 Probably make out with my next boyfriend.


Pregnant with the chance currents Of knowledge and love 	 Oh, we will. Bye.


In addition, to prevent further acts of rage... ...this court orders you to undergo 20 hours of anger management therapy. 	 Oh, my goodness. Bobby Knight. -You're in this group?


-It was a great night. 	 -...thing.


Don't worry, Dr. B, it's just a reguIar season game. Not important. 	 Didn't we decide that you shouldn't listen to the ball game?


WeII, heIIo. 	 I'm so sorry l'm late. I hope you have it.


So, now, did this guy grow up near a nucIear power pIant or something? 	 Why, is it huge? No. No.


I know that crazy man brought you here. 	 You have to kiss me in front of all these people!


No. 	 -Yes, yes, l do.


I went from happy to angry, skipped sad. 	 Then we'll see who's laughing. What?


I'm going to get you back for that one. 	 Cocoa Puff said legally l'm not allowed to get on a plane.


You're Iate. 	 We mustn't absorb and repress.


Said the Iiar to the beached whaIe! 	 -Serial killer.


I reaIIy thought my mother was having surgery. 	 -I can't believe he's making me go. -How come you guys aren't flying?


What? 	 All right, man.


What? Oh. 	 I'll miss you, big guy, so take good care.


And are they aII aware that you despise them? 	 Don't dissemble. I'm not dissembling.


You're supposed to sit in the seat they assigned you. 	 Excuse me.


I'm onIy going to say this one more time, sir. 	 -What do you think? -Not guilty. It's a no-brainer.


I'II figure something out. 	 I'm gonna miss you.


This is going to be some night. 	 I guess l never really thought it through.


Hey, watch that shit! Listen, Iadies! GentIeman! 	 Thus he has advanced to the second level of my program.


-...who you are. 	 -What the hell do you want me to say?


Okay, they got fishing whiIe you go to the bathroom. 	 Oh, yeah. Congratulations.


-Sure. 	 Okay, l'll go first.


-There's no fans aIIowed on that fieId. -GaIaxia. It's Gary. 	 But l don't want to be that angry guy anymore.


-I toId her. -What eIse couId I do? 	 She doesn't know any Andreas.


His name's not Peanuts. 	 You think that's funny?


-You know that. I'd Iike to taIk to you aIone for a second. 	 I told her l didn't want to waste money on a cab.


Now, when I started here... ...I was promised advancement opportunities. 	 -Thank you. Don't think l don't owe you a couple smacks by the way.


CouId you excuse him for a second, Peanuts? 	 Recalling your nut-job sister struggling with her underpants... ...in a straitjacket.


I wish I were, Dave. 	 Did he steal my proposal idea?


Bring that up on the trip. You gotta stick up for yourseIf. 	 I gotta go.