text:
<root>
    <joke>Why was the soldier pinned down?, "he was under a tack

lolol"
</joke>
<joke>
Why does a milking stool only have 3 legs?, "BECAUSE THE COW HAS THE UDDER

DOHOHOHO"
</joke>
<joke>
What kind of concert only costs 45 cents?, 50 cent featuring Nickelback
</joke>
<joke>
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?, Dr Dre
</joke>
<joke>
"I went to a zoo,  and the only animal there was a dog...", It was a shitzu.
</joke>
<joke>
I asked my friend from North Korea how he was doing., "He just shrugged and replied,  "I can't complain."
</joke>
<joke>
What did the DJ call his encyclopedia?, The wiki-wiki wiki
</joke>
<joke>
I want to give a special thanks to sidewalks..., for keeping me off the streets.
</joke>
<joke>
What's the difference between a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?, Attire
</joke>
<joke>
What's the difference between a dwarf and a midget?, Very little
</joke>
<joke>
"Went to the opticians the other day,  guess who I bumped into...", Everyone.
</joke>
<joke>
So I used to be addicted to soap., But I'm clean now.
</joke>
<joke>
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?, Ten tickles.
</joke>
<joke>
I just had phone sex…, …now I have hearing aids.
</joke>
<joke>
4 4 4 4, Metaphor
</joke>
<joke>
What do you get when you mix human DNA with a goat?, Kicked out of the petting zoo
</joke>
<joke>
Do not trust atoms..., they make up everything.
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear about the kidnapping?, He woke up.
</joke>
<joke>
Two antennas fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much..., but the reception was excellent.
</joke>
<joke>
What did the graduate student do when he lost his thesis again?, "research.

(I've only shared this with my wife,  so be kind.)"
</joke>
<joke>
How do you tell if a robot has been stealing your wood?, Check its log files
</joke>
<joke>
Why was six afraid of seven?, Because seven was a registered six offender.
</joke>
<joke>
"I met a vegan girl at a market,  and she swore she knew me", But i'm sure I never met Herbivore.
</joke>
<joke>
Did you know I have a step ladder?, "Yeah,  it's a shame. I never knew my real ladder."
</joke>
<joke>
What is a pirate's favorite letter?, "Well,  you'd think it would be "R",  but actually,  pirates can't read."
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a criminal falling out of a building?, Condescending! DOHOHOHO
</joke>
<joke>
My wife and I had a kid who liked burning down buildings, But now arsonist in jail
</joke>
<joke>
What is a pirates favorite letter, You think it be the rrrrrrr but it be the c
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a bear with no teeth?, A gummy bear.
</joke>
<joke>
Crap! A spider just crawled under my keyboard, It's alright I think it's under control.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you do when you see a spaceman?, "You park,  man."
</joke>
<joke>
Guess what, Chicken butt
</joke>
<joke>
What does a clock do when it gets hungry?, It goes back four seconds.
</joke>
<joke>
Why is six afraid of seven?, Because the odds are against him
</joke>
<joke>
What's invisible and red?, No tomatoes.
</joke>
<joke>
Why couldn't the guy find his map?, Because he lost his map.
</joke>
<joke>
Why is the hipster deer always dehydrated?, He doesn't like the main stream
</joke>
<joke>
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?, Tequila Mockingbird
</joke>
<joke>
What did 50 cent say to his grandmother when she made him some socks?, "Gee,  you knit?"
</joke>
<joke>
I always wear two pairs of pants when I golf..., Just in case I get a hole in one.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call the ghost of a chicken., A poultrygeist.
</joke>
<joke>
Why couldn't the robot finish its pancakes?, It had a stack overflow
</joke>
<joke>
A book just fell on my head..., and I only have my shelf to blame.
</joke>
<joke>
Why was everyone chasing after Ms. Salt?, She's so-dium fine.
</joke>
<joke>
I went to the psychic the other day and accidentally broke his crystal ball..., It cost me a fortune!
</joke>
<joke>
Why couldn't the guy with the pickax get into the R rated Movie?, He was a miner
</joke>
<joke>
How did Hitler tie his little shoesies?, "In little Knotsies!

Huehuehuehuehue "
</joke>
<joke>
Where's Moscow?, "In the barn next to Pa's cow!

^DOHOHOHOHOHO"
</joke>
<joke>
Have you ever had sex while camping?, Its fucking intense.
</joke>
<joke>
No matter how hard you push the envelope..., -it'll still be stationary.
</joke>
<joke>
What did the baby corn say to mama corn?, "Where's pop corn?"
</joke>
<joke>
An Irishman walks into a bar with..., "... A steering wheel on his dick.

The bartender looks at him and asks why this is.

The Irishman replies,  "I don't know,  but it's driving me nuts."
</joke>
<joke>
What happened to the cannibal who showed up late for dinner?, He got the cold shoulder.
</joke>
<joke>
Which US state has the smallest soft drinks?, "Minisoda.

*ba-dum tsss*"
</joke>
<joke>
"What goes "oooooooOOOOOOoo", A cow with no lips.
</joke>
<joke>
Oxygen and Potassium went on a date the other day., It went OK.
</joke>
<joke>
What kind of gum does Poseidon chew?, Trident
</joke>
<joke>
Three Ropes Go to a Bar, "Bartender (to first rope): Are you a rope?

1st rope: Yes,  I'm afraid so.

Bartender:  Well we don't serve ropes

Bartender (to second rope): Are you a rope?

2nd rope: Yes,  I'm afraid so.

Bartender:  Well we don't serve ropes

Bartender (to third rope): Are you a rope?

3rd rope: No,  I'm a frayed knot.
"
</joke>
<joke>
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?, Because then it'd be a foot!
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the baker remortgage his house?, "Because he kneaded the dough.

[I'm extremely grateful that a joke I made up has been deemed 'almost funny' by sleep deprived redditors]"
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a line of bunnies dancing backward?, A receding hare line.
</joke>
<joke>
A man walks into a bar..., "... and he says to the bar tender,  "I would like ten times as many drinks as the other people in here."

The bartender replies,  "Now that is an order of magnitude."
</joke>
<joke>
Where does the three legged horse live?, In the unstable
</joke>
<joke>
"Why was everyone jumping for joy?
", Because Joy was stuck to the roof.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call lice on a bald man?, Homeless
</joke>
<joke>
Where do they send cute animals to be euthanized?, "D'awwschwitz

(I'm sorry for being a terrible person)"
</joke>
<joke>
Why is water such a bad liar?, You can see right through it.
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died?, He pasta way last night.
</joke>
<joke>
Once you've seen one shopping centre, You've seen a mall
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call snake pee?, Pissssssss
</joke>
<joke>
What does a clock do when it's hungry?, It goes back four seconds!
</joke>
<joke>
"a lady came up to me today and said "can I ask you 10 quick questions?", "I said "sure"

she started off,  "Okay Question #1: have you ever had a black out"

and I said "No"

then she said "Now finally,  Question #10"
</joke>
<joke>
If your mother is a porcupine and your father was a turtle what does that make you?, A slowpoke.
</joke>
<joke>
I dedicate this joke to my dad who was a roofer..., "So Dad,  if you're up there....."
</joke>
<joke>
Why didn't young Superman's dad let him fly?, he didn't think the boy had the cape-ability.
</joke>
<joke>
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?, Because the 'P' is silent.
</joke>
<joke>
How does Moses make his tea?, Hebrews it.
</joke>
<joke>
Why should you never ask a gay man a question?, Because he won't give you a straight answer.
</joke>
<joke>
"Have you seen "Constipation: The Movie?", It hasn't come out yet.
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear about the paddle sale at the boat store?, It was quite an oar deal.
</joke>
<joke>
What keeps a Flamingo afloat in water?, Flamboyancy.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from jail?, A small medium at large.
</joke>
<joke>
Whats the most cunning mountain?, Mt. Cleverest
</joke>
<joke>
Why couldn't the bald man throw away his comb?, He just couldn't part with it.
</joke>
<joke>
I tell some really bad jokes, But my sausage jokes are the wurst.
</joke>
<joke>
What happened when the cow tried to jump over the barbed wire fence?, Udder Destruction
</joke>
<joke>
What did the argumentative Italian say to another man?, "You wanna pizza me?!

I know it's cheesy...but OC."
</joke>
<joke>
What kind of shoes does Mr. Peanut wear?, Cashews.
</joke>
<joke>
Who is the coolest guy in the Hospital?, The ultra sound guy.
</joke>
<joke>
What's the dumbest animal in the jungle?, A polar bear!
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?, Both crews were marooned
</joke>
<joke>
Why did everyone hate the man who ate his own arm?..., ...He was pretty full of himself.
</joke>
<joke>
Have you ever seen an elephant hiding behind a strawberry?, No? That's because it's hiding.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a big ant?, A giANT.
</joke>
<joke>
How can you tell when there's about to be a royal baby?, When they start crowning.
</joke>
<joke>
A woman says to her cat 'Go and make me a drink', the cat says 'Me? how'
</joke>
<joke>
What did the fish say when it swam into a brick wall?, Damn.
</joke>
<joke>
Have you heard about the lion that became a cannibal?, He had to swallow his pride.
</joke>
<joke>
"Well,  if they're ever going to make a documetary about sea monsters...", "They'd better get Kraken.

Edit: *documentary
"
</joke>
<joke>
Why don't Vultures ever check their bags at the airport?, They only like to use carrion luggage.
</joke>
<joke>
What does grass wear when it wants to be seductive?, lawn-gerie
</joke>
<joke>
What does a nosy pepper do?, Gets jalepeño business.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a rooster NASA has sent into space?, A shuttle cock.
</joke>
<joke>
A nosey pepper is ..., Jalapeno business.
</joke>
<joke>
Helium Walks Into a Bar, "Helium walks into a bar.

The bar tender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here."

Helium doesn't react."
</joke>
<joke>
Was told to post here, "A lion and a cheetah set off on a foot race too see who was the faster animal.The cheetah ended up winning and the lion complained. "Hey you a cheetah". The cheetah says back "Nah you a lion".
"
</joke>
<joke>
Why is it difficult to be a Mexican fireman?, You can't tell the difference between Jose and hose B.
</joke>
<joke>
A man goes to the doctor completely naked..., "The doctor says,  "Well,  I can clearly see you're nuts." "
</joke>
<joke>
How does a person get across a moat?, A moat-r boat...
</joke>
<joke>
Why do lesbians like Swedish bars?, Because there's nordics in them.
</joke>
<joke>
I heard that the store down the street is selling dead batteries..., ...free of charge.
</joke>
<joke>
I told my girlfriend she painted her eyebrows too high up., She looked surprised.
</joke>
<joke>
What did one bean say to the other bean?, How you been?
</joke>
<joke>
What's the opposite of Domino's?, Domi doesn't know.
</joke>
<joke>
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?, BREATHE!!!
</joke>
<joke>
What's the internal temperature of a tauntaun?, It's Luke-Warm.
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear about the guy that got his left side chopped off?, "Don't worry,  he's all right now"
</joke>
<joke>
What did the lady say when she was asked if she would like her milk pasteurized?, "No,  just up to my chin is fine"
</joke>
<joke>
Why was Herbert Hoover the best president?, He gave a dam
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear about those new refrigerated laxatives?, "Pretty cool shit.

(all credit goes to Peter Serafinowicz)"
</joke>
<joke>
What is white and can't climb trees?, A fridge
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a potato in your pants?, A dictator  (dick-tater)
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the tomato blush?, He saw the salad dressing.
</joke>
<joke>
"What's brown and sticky?
", A stick.
</joke>
<joke>
I wasn't sure what I would enjoy about being a juror..., So I went for the free trial.
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the scarecrow receive awards?, He was out standing in his field.
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?, They each got six months.
</joke>
<joke>
R.I.P. Steve Jobs, he always lived life to the macs
</joke>
<joke>
What did the grape say when he was squished?, He just cried and let out a little wine.
</joke>
<joke>
My sister bet me 10$ that I couldn't make a car out of Spaghetti., You should have seen her face as it drove right **pasta**
</joke>
<joke>
I went to a Christian restaurant called 'The Lord Giveth' yesterday., It also does takeaway.
</joke>
<joke>
How do bears walk?, With *bear* feet.
</joke>
<joke>
What did the hip-hop producer say at the end of a productive day?, "That's a rap."
</joke>
<joke>
What U.S. state serves the smallest soft drinks?, "Minnesota.

(Note: edited so you have to figure out the punchline for yourselves.)"
</joke>
<joke>
Why shouldn't you do business with trees?, "Because from what I hear,  their work is pretty shady!"
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a fake noodle?, An *impasta*.
</joke>
<joke>
What did the horse say when he fell?, Help...I've fallen and I can't giddy-up!
</joke>
<joke>
I am so sick of people stereotyping me because I'm Irish., As soon as I finish this drink I'm punching someone.
</joke>
<joke>
Why should you never kiss your pet bird?, You might get chirpies!
</joke>
<joke>
What is black and white and goes 'boom boom boom'?, a nun falling down the stairs.
</joke>
<joke>
Where do otters come from?, otter-space
</joke>
<joke>
So a baby seal walks into a..., ...club
</joke>
<joke>
What do postal workers use to be better at their job?, Mail enhancement
</joke>
<joke>
what do you call a priest who becomes a lawyer?, A Father in Law
</joke>
<joke>
Its blue and not heavy., Light blue
</joke>
<joke>
How does Moses make his coffee?, Hebrews it
</joke>
<joke>
Atheism, A nonprophet organization
</joke>
<joke>
"Steven called in sick on Friday,  complaining of diarrhea, ", But I think he's full of shit.
</joke>
<joke>
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?, A carrot.
</joke>
<joke>
Have you heard about that new venereal disease spread from birds?, "It's called chirpies.

...

...

It's untweetable."
</joke>
<joke>
So a policeman knocked on my door the other night and told me that my dog had been chasing someone on a bike..., I said ''Don't be silly my dog hasn't got a bike.''
</joke>
<joke>
What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?, Udder Destruction!
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear about the church fire?, Holy smokes!
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call dead bread?, Toast.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call it when all the employees at a company get the same virus?, "A staff infection

EDIT: same *bacteria. Should have checked on that. My bad."
</joke>
<joke>
What did the teddy bear say after he finished his meal?, "I'm stuffed!"
</joke>
<joke>
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?, A Carrot.
</joke>
<joke>
Two whales walk into a bar..., "and the first whale says to the bartender,  "OOOooooOOOOoooaaaaahhheeeeeoooooo"

The second whale turns to the first and says,  "shut up,  Frank,  you're drunk!"
</joke>
<joke>
What is the fashion designer's favorite gangster movie?, Scarf Ace
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the hipster date the soccer player?, "He wanted to say his girlfriend was a keeper,  ironically. "
</joke>
<joke>
Why don't they play poker in the ZOO?, Because there are too many cheetaz! :D
</joke>
<joke>
What do the two mexican foods do when they are sad?, They taco 'bout it.
</joke>
<joke>
A man walks into a zoo and finds out it only has one animal in it. , It's a shi-tzu.
</joke>
<joke>
What does a gay horse eat?, "Haaaay!"
</joke>
<joke>
Why did Isaac Newton's son know so much about gravity?, The apple didn't fall far from the tree.
</joke>
<joke>
I dated a girl with lazy eye one time..., ...until I found out she was seeing somebody else on the side.
</joke>
<joke>
A programmer walks into a bar...., "Just joking,  we're too scared to do that."
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear the story about the programmer who died in the shower?, "He read the shampoo bottle. It said "Wet hair,  lather,  rinse,  repeat"."
</joke>
<joke>
So an 8 walks into a bar..., "When a 0 suddenly says: "Dude,  I think your belt is too tight"
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the oreo go to the dentist?, Because he lost his filling.
</joke>
<joke>
What is a jilted brides least favorite melon? (x-post from r/humor), Cantaloupe.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a cow touching itself?, Beef Stroganoff.
</joke>
<joke>
Why do golfers always wear two shirts?, In case they get a hole in one.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a not-so-great sorority?, A so-sority.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?, A stick!
</joke>
<joke>
What is a Snake's Favorite Subject?, **HISSS-TORY**
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call it when an acupuncturist is succesful?, A jab well done.
</joke>
<joke>
Why don't Mexicans cross the border in threes?, "The sign says no TRES-passing.

tres=three"
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a bad pun?, A pun-ishment!!
</joke>
<joke>
How did the farmer know the goat was in pain?, It was bleating.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call someone who doesn't like masseuses?, A massagonist.
</joke>
<joke>
How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?, Only Juan.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call two jews singing?, A Jewet!
</joke>
<joke>
"So Darth Vader is speaking to Luke,  and he says...", "Luke,  I know what you are getting for Christmas.

What? No you don't.

Yes. I know what you are ge-

How can you possibly know?

Luke... I have felt your presents."
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a 6 foot 5 tall man with chainsaws for arms?, Sir.
</joke>
<joke>
"The lone ranger and tanto are hunting. Tanto puts his ear to the ground then looks at the lone ranger and says,  "Buffalo come".", "The Lone Ranger asks,  "how can you tell?"

"EAR STICKY"
</joke>
<joke>
What happens when a cryogenics facility goes bankrupt?, Their assets are frozen.
</joke>
<joke>
"A chicken lifted one leg,  then the other.", Then it fell.
</joke>
<joke>
The first time I watched 'Titanic' I was left in awe., But then I let it all sink in.
</joke>
<joke>
Why should you wash your clothes in Tide?, Because it's too cold outtide.
</joke>
<joke>
Why aren't tennis players hungry?, They get two serves.
</joke>
<joke>
Where did the general put his armies?, In his sleevies.
</joke>
<joke>
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?, He wiped his BUTT.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a witch who has a part time job as a DJ?, A wicca-wicca-wiccan
</joke>
<joke>
What do fish like to smoke?, Seaweed.
</joke>
<joke>
When is the best time to have a dentist appointment?, At Two thirty! (Tooth-hurty? Get it? hahahahahaha)
</joke>
<joke>
"Did you hear about that actress who was killed!?", "Reese something..."

"Witherspoon?"

"No,  with a knife!"
</joke>
<joke>
How do you fit an elephant in the subway?, "You take the 'S' out of sub,  and the 'F' out of way."
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the Iranian nanny cross the road?, To get to the other Saeed
</joke>
<joke>
why do you never see comedians in wheelchairs? , they're very bad at stand up
</joke>
<joke>
What is the last thing to go through a bugs mind when it hits the windshield..., "What's the last thing to go through a bugs mind when it hits the windshield?

It's ass"
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a dog with no legs?, "Whatever you want,  it still won't come."
</joke>
<joke>
"Sometimes before I go to sleep I look up at the stars and wonder,  "where did my roof go?"
</joke>
<joke>,
What do you call testicles in space?, Astro Nuts
</joke>
<joke>
Why are ghosts bad liars?, Because you can see right through them!
</joke>
<joke>
What did the astronaut say when he scored a basket?, Wow! I rocket this!
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a cow with no legs?, ground beef
</joke>
<joke>
"If I ever opened a Vietnamese restaurant,  I know exactly what I'd call it...", Viet-Noms
</joke>
<joke>
What do you get when you throw a hand grenade into a washroom?, "Linoleum blown-apart
"
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call an atheist parasite?, A heretick.
</joke>
<joke>
I got into a debate with a stroke victim yesterday., Discussion was pretty one-sided.
</joke>
<joke>
why did the skeleton not go to the dance?, he had no body to go with
</joke>
<joke>
What the population of Brazil?, A Brazillion people
</joke>
<joke>
What do a walrus and a ziploc bag have in common?, They both like a tight seal.
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear about the 80 year old lady with AIDS?, She had one in each ear!
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the golfer carry two shirts with him?, In case he got a hole in one.
</joke>
<joke>
Why didn't the mushroom go to the party?, Because there wasn't much room.
</joke>
<joke>
What happened when the ghost went on the roller-coaster?, He was scared sheetless.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a fake noodle?, An impasta.
</joke>
<joke>
Why was the broom late for class?, Because he over*swept*!
</joke>
<joke>
My dad is a pilot and he often flies over Holland., But he Netherlands.
</joke>
<joke>
Why was the Egyptian boy so confused?, Because his daddy was a mummy.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a nun in a car?, Virgin Mobile
</joke>
<joke>
What is black and has 1 leg?, "one-legged black man.

What has 2 legs and is black?

2 one-legged black men.

What has 3 legs and is black?

piano."
</joke>
<joke>
Why was the chef late to work?, He forgot the thyme.
</joke>
<joke>
What did the history teacher name his pet lightning bug?, A. Blinkin'
</joke>
<joke>
What is Obamas favorite food?, Barakoli
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the girl take the mushroom to the dance?, Because he was a fungi!
</joke>
<joke>
Why does all flour look the same?, Because it's inbred.
</joke>
<joke>
What happened to the guy who got his coffee cup stolen ?, He got mugged.
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the tree need glasses?, For its a*stick*matism
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a dog with no hind legs and iron balls?, Sparky...Sorry I'm posting at 12:50PM
</joke>
<joke>
Not every city in UAE looks like it's taken right out of the Flintstones, But Abu Dhabi do
</joke>
<joke>
What's the problem when hearing Black and Mexican jokes?, "Because when you hear Juan,  you hear Jammal."
</joke>
<joke>
What did the male iphone say to the female iphone?, Nice apps.
</joke>
<joke>
Are you html code?, Because I'd like to put you on top of my </body>
</joke>
<joke>
I couldn't decide if I should sell my mattress...., I slept on it.
</joke>
<joke>
What is the stickiest kind of bird?, VelCROW.
</joke>
<joke>
Why couldn't the bicycle stand on its own?, It was two tired
</joke>
<joke>
What did the blanket utter when it fell off the bed?, "Oh sheet!

[I need my bed.] "
</joke>
<joke>
Last night i was watching The Mentalist, "I got done watching the entire Bones series a while ago and the ^GODDAMNED sixth season left me unsatisfied so i was looking for a new show. I remembered watching an episode of the mentalist a year or two ago and really enjoyed it so I bought some DVDs online.

So there I was,  1:45 AM watching Jane reading Lisbeth's mind and I think,  "That is one small office they have. You couldn't fit a baby elephant in there. Pretty lucky that none of the cops are elephants."

At that point I figured it was time for bed...

"
</joke>
<joke>
What did the electrician's son say to his father?, "No dad,  stop! It hertz!

... :/"
</joke>
<joke>
whats red and smells like blue paint?, red paint
</joke>
<joke>
What is Death's favorite frozen treat?, A Pop-sickle
</joke>
<joke>
What did the ghost say to the bee?, BOOBIE! (boo bee)
</joke>
<joke>
Guess what., Chickenbutt.
</joke>
<joke>
What did the pig lost in the desert say?, I'm bacon out here!
</joke>
<joke>
What's the most common criminal charge against cats?, "Littering.

I'm here all night. Seriously."
</joke>
<joke>
Mr. Spaghetti asks Mr. Cheese how he is feeling., "I'm feeling grate" - Mr. Cheese"
</joke>
<joke>
What did the cheese say right before it got shredded?, Oh grate!
</joke>
<joke>
What did Columbo say about The Case of the Broken Calculator?, It just doesn't add up
</joke>
<joke>
what do you call a girl with a penis?, amanda
</joke>
<joke>
I like to put a little salt in my tea, to make it salty.
</joke>
<joke>
What do we want!?, "Cat Jokes!
When do we want them!?
Meow!
"
</joke>
<joke>
Where's the best place to post anti-jokes?, /r/AntiJokes
</joke>
<joke>
I just swallowed some foil..., It's giving me Al types of trouble.
</joke>
<joke>
How do you make a space party?, You planet
</joke>
<joke>
How does the hardware engineer get to work?, Takes the universal serial bus straight up to the north ~~gate~~ bridge.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call large groups of sneezers?, Mass-ACHU-setts !!!
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the turtle cross the road?, To get to the Shell Station!
</joke>
<joke>
What do black bears eat?, Blackberries.
</joke>
<joke>
What's green and sings?!, "Elvis,  **PARSLEY**!!!!!"
</joke>
<joke>
What's a buccaneer?, A high price for corn
</joke>
<joke>
Why are cats always grumpy?, They have Many-paws.
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear about the Italian chef that died?, He pasta way.
</joke>
<joke>
What is red and smells like blue paint?, Red paint.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a fish with no eyes?, Fsh
</joke>
<joke>
How much does a pirate charge for body parts?, About a buck an ear.
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the sperm cross the street?, I put on the wrong socks this morning
</joke>
<joke>
How did you get out of Iraq?, #NAME?
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call an armless man in the ocean?, Fucked.
</joke>
<joke>
What is brown and sticky?, A stick.
</joke>
<joke>
What if Obama lost the election?, It would've been unpresidented.
</joke>
<joke>
A boy melon proposed to a girl melon. .., "She said. "We're too young,  we cantaloupe"."
</joke>
<joke>
What kind of bees produce milk?, Boobies
</joke>
<joke>
When is a door not a door?, "...When its ajar ! ! !

^shoot ^me ^now....please,  ^anyone!"
</joke>
<joke>
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?, SWIMMING TRUNKS!! :D
</joke>
<joke>
Where did Shampoo take Body Wash on their first date?, The Soap Bar.
</joke>
<joke>
What's red and bad for your teeth?, A brick.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you get when you throw a grenade in a French man's kitchen?, Linoleum Blownapart
</joke>
<joke>
What do trees like to put on their salad?, Branch Dressing
</joke>
<joke>
What is it called when a king has sex with his daughter?, Princest.
</joke>
<joke>
What do they do with a Chemist once they've died?, "They Barium.

Ba dum tssshhh"
</joke>
<joke>
Why was the countertop so upset?, It was taken for granite!
</joke>
<joke>
How does a lion like his steak?, Medium Roar
</joke>
<joke>
What did the Mexican firefighter call his two sons?, José and Josb
</joke>
<joke>
Knock Knock, "Knock Knock!"

"Who's there?"

"Tank!"

"Tank who?"

"You're very welcome."
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a cheap circumcision?, a rip off.
</joke>
<joke>
How does Moses make his tea?, Hebrews it
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear about the extreme camper?, I hear he is always in-tents
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the cult leader bring a crane to the cemetery?, To raise the dead
</joke>
<joke>
What kind of movies do sailors fear the most?, Pirated dvd's
</joke>
<joke>
What do you get when a rock shaves?, Rubble
</joke>
<joke>
Who haunts the disco?, The Boogie-man
</joke>
<joke>
What came after the Ice Age?, The wet age
</joke>
<joke>
Two mimes walk into a bar. One says to the other...
</joke>
<joke>,
Hey girl are you a non metal that's gained an electron?, Because I have anion you
</joke>
<joke>
What did one casket say to the sick casket?, Is that you coughin'?
</joke>
<joke>
So i saw a hearse the other day, "And i thought "i've been dying to ride in one of those!" "
</joke>
<joke>
What is Forrest Gump's password?, 1forrest1
</joke>
<joke>
What did Gibson do when he fell?, He didn't fret.
</joke>
<joke>
How good were the geologists at basketball?, They rocked!
</joke>
<joke>
What happened to the peanut that walked down the dark alley?, He was assalted.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call an orphaned lamb?, leftovers
</joke>
<joke>
Whats the same about a bird and a turtle?, They both fly except for the turtle.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a strict leader's starchy children?, Dictator Tots
</joke>
<joke>
Two peanuts were walking down the street... , ...one was assaulted
</joke>
<joke>
A helicopter with an ejection seat.
</joke>
<joke>,
What did the boy dubstep say to the girl dubstep? , I wub you.
</joke>
<joke>
What fish taste like nuts?, Salmonds
</joke>
<joke>
Why is Edward Snowden still in Russia?, Because he got snowed-in!
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the pelican get kicked out of the restaurant?, Because he had a very big bill
</joke>
<joke>
What did the ocean say to the other ocean?, "Nothing,  they just waved."
</joke>
<joke>
What's red and smells like blue paint?, Red paint.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a tall barber?, A cut above the rest.
</joke>
<joke>
Why was the dolphin feelin' sad?, "Because he felt like his life had no porpoise.

(I know they're different animals but still.)"
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the tomato blush?, It saw the salad dressing!
</joke>
<joke>
What do a typist and an alcoholic astronaut have in common?, they're both hitting the space bar!
</joke>
<joke>
Said this to my mother after a car commercial..., "* Me- "You know what car I bet [Scooby](http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-pINyUyA7-gI/T2qUiH7ofKI/AAAAAAAAE9w/smL0VRO7EW0/s1600/scooby-doo.gif) would drive?"
* Mother- "... What?"
* Me- "A Ruby Red Rolls Royce..."
</joke>
<joke>
Grasshopper walks into a bar..., "Bartender says "Hey! We got a drink named after you!" Grasshopper says "You got a drink named Steve?"
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the clown go to the doctor?, He was feeling a little *funny*!
</joke>
<joke>
Why can't astronomers fall in love?, All their relationships are *pluto*nic.
</joke>
<joke>
What has wheels and is colored green?, GRASS! I LIED ABOUT THE WHEELS!
</joke>
<joke>
Where does a general keep his armies?, In his sleevies.
</joke>
<joke>
What meals do sea monsters love?, Fish and Ships
</joke>
<joke>
What is a karate instructor's favorite beverage?, Kara-TEA
</joke>
<joke>
Can we get some pirate jokes here?, "They ARRRGH my favorite.

(seriously.  would love to read some pirate jokes.)"
</joke>
<joke>
What's the last thing you want to hear when you're giving head to Willy Nelson?, I'm not Willy Nelson.
</joke>
<joke>
What's the most childish bird?, "Mockingbird!

What's the saddest bird?

Bluebird!"
</joke>
<joke>
Why can't the painter find a date?, His poor traits!
</joke>
<joke>
Why shouldn't you play poker in the jungle?, Cheetahs.
</joke>
<joke>
A man with a toy horse up his butt was admitted to the hospital, His condition was described as stable.
</joke>
<joke>
Two peanuts were walking down the road..., and one was assaulted.
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear the news about corduroy pillows?, They're making headlines!
</joke>
<joke>
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?, "If you have bird flu,  you need tweetment. If you have swine flu,  you need oink-ment."
</joke>
<joke>
What kind of pants did Super Mario ware?, Denim denim denim
</joke>
<joke>
What's brown and sounds like a bell?, "DUNG

(thank you,  Monty Python)"
</joke>
<joke>
What device measures the amount of semen in a sample?, A cumputer
</joke>
<joke>
(x-post) A soldier survived mustard gas and pepper spray.., He is now a seasoned veteran.
</joke>
<joke>
Can a human being orgasm on a bed of ice?, Only if they're into Coldplay
</joke>
<joke>
"What has two legs,  and is red all over?", Half of a cat.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a dog near the sea, A beach
</joke>
<joke>
Where do one-legged waitresses find work?, IHOP!
</joke>
<joke>
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?, because they have big fingers
</joke>
<joke>
I couldn't tell if the Frisbee was getting bigger or closer..., ... and then it hit me.
</joke>
<joke>
What did the girl pickle say to the boy pickle when she found out that he had been cheating on her?, That's a dill-breaker!
</joke>
<joke>
What did the pretzel say to the other pretzel when they walked into the bar?, Let's get twisted
</joke>
<joke>
We don't know any salad jokes..., "but if you hear any,  lettuce us know."
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?, "It was intense!

["in tents"]"
</joke>
<joke>
What disease does a promiscuous parakeet get?, Chirpies! It's a canarial disease.
</joke>
<joke>
Do you need an Ark?, Because I Noah guy.
</joke>
<joke>
What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?, Time to move out of Elephantopolis
</joke>
<joke>
Where does a king keep his armies?, In his sleevies.
</joke>
<joke>
What fish writes the health warnings on fish food?, The Sturgeon General
</joke>
<joke>
Why couldn't the chicken sleep?, He had restless egg syndrome
</joke>
<joke>
What does the sad alcoholic drink?, Whine!
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the coffee taste like mud?, Because it was fresh ground.
</joke>
<joke>
What did the tree say to the wind?, Leaf me alone!
</joke>
<joke>
What did the mortician say when he sent the body to the wrong funeral?, "I've made a grave mistake"
Hohoho"
</joke>
<joke>
"When asked if he would ever get married again,  OJ Simpson stated", "I would take another stab at it"
</joke>
<joke>
"What do you get when you leave goodwill with marshmallows,  graham crackers,  and chocolate bars?", Mackles'mores
</joke>
<joke>
I suck at telling jokes, I always punch up the fuck line
</joke>
<joke>
What's a pirate's favourite country?, AAAAAAAAAAARRgentina
</joke>
<joke>
What's brown and runny?, Usain Bolt.
</joke>
<joke>
Why do penguins wear glasses?, To help with their ice-sight.
</joke>
<joke>
"The bartender says: "We don't serve your kind here.", A tachyon walks into a bar.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a good farmer?, Someone who is out standing in his field
</joke>
<joke>
How much did the pirate pay for his earrings?, A Buccaneer.
</joke>
<joke>
Birthdays are healthy for you., "The more you have,  the longer you live."
</joke>
<joke>
Why do mermaids wear seashells to cover themselves?, "Cause their boobies are too big for B-shells!

HURHURHURR"
</joke>
<joke>
Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?, "Because if it had 4,  it would be chicken sedan.

I would like to thank /u/atthebuzzer for this joke"
</joke>
<joke>
What unit of measurement is universally recognized by hipsters world wide?, Insta-grams
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a sleep walking nun?, A roamin' Catholic.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?, Squash.
</joke>
<joke>
Jerry the Chemist, "Jerry was a chemist but now he is no more,

for what he thought was H2O was H2SO4"
</joke>
<joke>
What's a Vulture's Favorite Kansas Song?, Carrion Wayward Son
</joke>
<joke>
Where did the general keep his armies?, In his sleevies!
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the baker have dirty hands?, Because he kneaded a poo
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?, a bay-gull
</joke>
<joke>
Whats worse than one bee sting?, "2 bee stings.

whats worse than 2 bee stings?

the holocaust.

whats worse than the holocaust?

3 bee stings."
</joke>
<joke>
What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?, Ten-ish
</joke>
<joke>
How do musicians answer the phone?, "[](/vshey-r)Cello!

[](/tavibored)"
</joke>
<joke>
Two witnesses were left confined to wheelchairs after a premeditated murder attempt by car., "You'd think the charges were obvious,  but they didn't stand up in court."
</joke>
<joke>
How do revolutionists call a situation when everything goes as planned?, "It's juust riot.

Mhmhmhmhh"
</joke>
<joke>
Why did Earth make fun of all the other planets?, Because they have no life.
</joke>
<joke>
"What's it like being a professional bungee-jumper?", "Oh,  y'know. It has its ups and downs."
</joke>
<joke>
I watched a soap opera., It was bubbly.
</joke>
<joke>
Have you heard about the man who ate a light bulb?, He wanted a light snack.
</joke>
<joke>
Where does the general keep his armies?, In his sleevies.
</joke>
<joke>
When's the best time to go to the dentist?, Tooth-Hurty
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the mechanic sleep under his car for the night?, Because he had to get up oily in the morning.
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the square that wanted to be a circle smoke weed?, Because his dealer said it would help him take the edge off!
</joke>
<joke>
It's almost 3 here in Ireland. What do you call two mexicans playing basketball?, Juan on Juan.
</joke>
<joke>
Neutron Walks Into a Bar, "So a neutron walks into the bar and asks for a drink. He says to the bartender,  "How much for a beer?" The bartender responds,  "For you,  no charge."
</joke>
<joke>
What was Beethoven's favorite fruit?, BANANANAAAAA!
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs floating in the ocean?, Fucked.
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear about the hipster who burned his mouth?, He ate pizza before it was cool.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a blowjob from a religious person?, Moral Sex
</joke>
<joke>
Why does Pinocchio lie?, Because he's a fucking liar.
</joke>
<joke>
What's blue and smells like red paint?, Blue Paint
</joke>
<joke>
What does Microsoft and eating ass have in common?, They can spreadsheet.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a farmer without any sheep?, Ewes-less
</joke>
<joke>
What kind of food do calendars like to eat?, *Dates.*
</joke>
<joke>
What kind of door does a detective arachnid use?, A SpyDoor.
</joke>
<joke>
What did the doctor feel when examining the famous footballer's dodgy hamstring before a cup final?, That the tension was palpable
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call sheep that love money?, Cashews
</joke>
<joke>
Why are pirates pirates?, Because they ARRRRRGH.
</joke>
<joke>
What is a dentist's favorite instrument?, A tuba toothpaste!
</joke>
<joke>
There's two fish in a tank..., "... one says to the other: "you get the guns,  i'll drive"."
</joke>
<joke>
Why was the selfish farmer complaining that his head hurt?, He had a migraine.
</joke>
<joke>
What is the least popular toy in Latvia?, Mr. Potatohead
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a bee that makes milk?, "A BOO-BEE!

DOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO

(I have to give credit to Bob's Burgers for this one. Probably one my favorite cartoons these past few years)"
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the car want to lose weight?, It was a little Fiat.
</joke>
<joke>
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?, "Because if they flew over the bay,  they'd be bagels."
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the little green fairy get in trouble at fairy school?, She was absinthe yesterday.
</joke>
<joke>
What's the difference between a red head and a brick?, The brick gets laid
</joke>
<joke>
Why am I not working in a donut shop?, Because I donut want to.
</joke>
<joke>
What did the sailor say to the crying whale?, Quit your blubberin'
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a snail on a boat?!, A SNAILER
</joke>
<joke>
You hear about the magic tractor?, It turned into a field.
</joke>
<joke>
What does a fish who wants to be a priest major in?, Ictheology.
</joke>
<joke>
Which is the most fashionable dog?, The Trend setter
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call cheese that is not your's?, Nacho Cheese.
</joke>
<joke>
When's the best time to go to the dentist?, "Two-thirty.

"
</joke>
<joke>
"So I went to the premature ejaculation clinic yesterday,  but no one was there.", I guess I came too early.
</joke>
<joke>
Why is it impossible for your nose to be 12 inches long?, Because then it'd be a foot!
</joke>
<joke>
What kind of cookware do you find at the zoo?, "A pan,  duh!"
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a fish with no eyes?, A fsh.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call two Mexican firefighters?, Jose and Hose B
</joke>
<joke>
Why can't you have two doctors in the same place?, Because that would be a pair-o-docs!
</joke>
<joke>
Why do scientists rarely study global warming?, Because of atmos(fear).
</joke>
<joke>
What's the difference between illegal and unlawful?, Ill eagle is a sick bird.
</joke>
<joke>
still no rules, fite me irl mods
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a very advanced knife?, The cutting edge
</joke>
<joke>
What is a tailor's favorite salad?, Scissor Salad
</joke>
<joke>
What kind of jokes does the giant with the blue ox make?, Paul Punyans
</joke>
<joke>
"What's big,  red,  and eats rocks?", A big red rock-eater.
</joke>
<joke>
What's purple and flies?, Super grape.
</joke>
<joke>
What did the farmer say after his cow got shot?, Holy Cow!
</joke>
<joke>
Why was Stu making pudding at 4 am?, ...Because he's lost control of his life.
</joke>
<joke>
So a biologist and a botanist start dating..., But there was no chemistry!
</joke>
<joke>
Why did Sally fall off the swing?, She had no arms
</joke>
<joke>
"Two snowmen in a field,  one says to other.....", * sniff * sniff* Do you smell carrot???
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the mechanic go clothes shopping?, He needed attire.
</joke>
<joke>
What kinds of bees give you an erection?, Boobees!
</joke>
<joke>
Why don't birds wear underwear?, Because their pecker is on their face.
</joke>
<joke>
What does a Italian baby teeth on?, A Pastafire!
</joke>
<joke>
Two snowmen in a field when one turns to the other and says..., ...I smell carrots too!
</joke>
<joke>
I need to buy a new vacuum cleaner, This one really sucks. :D
</joke>
<joke>
What is Obama's favorite food?, Barackoli
</joke>
<joke>
Why did everyone sign a petition to build a wall?, They felt like it was something they could really get behind.
</joke>
<joke>
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch., "The bartender asks "What's that wheel doing there?"
And the pirate says "It's drivin' me nuts!"
</joke>
<joke>
Why can't a string win?, It can only tie!
</joke>
<joke>
Where does the general keep his armies?, In his sleevies.
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear about Dracula trying out for the baseball team?, He was quite good at bat.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a woman with one leg?, Eileen
</joke>
<joke>
What did the acorn say when he grew up?, Geometry
</joke>
<joke>
Why do divers always go back-first into the water?, "'Cause if they go forward,  they'll hit the boat."
</joke>
<joke>
What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?, "Shit,  where's my tractor?"
</joke>
<joke>
Two guys walk into a bar..., "They say "ouch"."
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the scientist throw the clock through the window?, "To see time fly.

Another one: Why did the scientist throw the lamp through the window?

To measure the speed of light."
</joke>
<joke>
One beer please!, "Bartender: What can I get for you?

A time traveller walks into a bar."
</joke>
<joke>
Why do I like citrus fruit so much?, Because it tastes sub-lime.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?, Nacho cheese
</joke>
<joke>
Why was the scientist's head wet?, He had a brain storm.
</joke>
<joke>
"There are two muffins in the oven. One says "phew it's getting hot in here", "The other says "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING MUFFIN"
</joke>
<joke>
Why are stringed instruments the bravest?, They've got guts
</joke>
<joke>
"A boy and a girl fall in love…
", "…and decide to get married. After a few years,  they decide that they want a child. The wife gets pregnant,  and the couple is overjoyed as they plan for their little bundle of joy.

Well,  the day of the baby's delivery comes,  and everything seems to be going great… at first. Partway through the delivery,  unfortunately,  the doctor delivers some bad news: their otherwise perfectly healthy baby boy was born with just a head. No arms,  no legs,  no torso,  just a head.

The father is devastated. All of his dreams of taking his son hiking,  teaching him sports,  and giving him a normal,  happy life have been shattered. But he decides to still love the boy and do everything he can to give him a good life.

The boy begins to grow up,  and in spite of the difficulties of having no torso or appendages,  he lives a relatively normal life.  He makes it through school and graduates. He even gets into a decent university. Then he hits his 21st birthday.

The father of the boy decides to celebrate,  and takes his son out to a bar for the first time.  "Bartender,  how about a beer for my son here!" he orders proudly. As he helps his son finish his very first beer,  he is astonished to see a neck starting to grow out of the bottom of the boys head. "Hey bartender,  hit me up with one more of those!" he demands excitedly. As the boy finishes off his second beer,  both he and the father are amazed to see that a torso has grown out of the bottom of the boy's neck.  Excitedly they order beer after beer,  and from the boy's torso sprout perfectly healthy arms and legs. For the first time in his 21 years of life,  he has a whole body.

 He tries out his new arms and hands,  waving them around and clapping. He stands up to test out his new legs. Although a bit wobbly from the alcohol,  he is able to stumble around reasonably well. The father is brimming with joy and excitement as he watches his son hobble around the bar. Smiling,  the boy shuffles out the front door of the bar and into the street,  and right then a speeding bus smashes into him,  killing the boy on impact. The father is shocked and speechless. Right as his beloved son was finally beginning to live a normal life,  it was all over. In baffled disbelief,  he looks over at the bartender,  who shrugs and says "ehh,  he shoulda quit while he was a head!"
"
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a party with no white people?, "Cracka-lackin"
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a person who has a female to male sex change?, "A Man,  Duh!"
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call someone with two boxes of cigarettes in his pocket?, Tupac Smokur
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a Victoria's Secret monkey?, Adriana Lemur
</joke>
<joke>
what birds do baking as their favorite pastime?, Dodo birds...
</joke>
<joke>
How do you make an apple puff?, "you chase it around the garden!

HA"
</joke>
<joke>
What's the most common cause of divorce worldwide?, Marriage.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a bra with stripes?, A ZeBra!
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a greedy Asian?, Chin Ching
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a black person hitchhiking?, stranded.
</joke>
<joke>
A magician walks down a street, He then turns into a grocery store.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a deer with no eyes?, *Shrug* No eye'd deer!
</joke>
<joke>
Tree hugger insanity, "Did you hear the one about the tree hugger who went insane?

...
...
...

He was environ-mental."
</joke>
<joke>
That idea that Sikhs don't have a sense of humour is,  just a turban myth.
</joke>
<joke>
What's the difference between 9/11 and mowing the lawn?, Mowing the lawn is an outside job.
</joke>
<joke>
What does a horny from say?, Rub It.
</joke>
<joke>
What does a pirate use to keep cool in the summer?, A sea.
</joke>
<joke>
"Rock,  Rock...", "Who's there?

Stones"
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear about the guy who ran over himself?!, "He asked his kids to go to the store,  they said "no, " so he ran over himself. "
</joke>
<joke>
What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?, "A *loan* shark!

2forthepriceofone

A banker decides to fight crime,  becomes the *loan* ranger."
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the boy drop his ice cream?, He was hit by a bus.
</joke>
<joke>
How does a Lion like his meat?, [roare](http://youtu.be/hfEnpRkVxeg?t=2m2s)
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear about that new pirate movie?, It's rated arrrrrrrr.
</joke>
<joke>
A man walks into a bar..., His head hurts from walking into a bar.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you get when you cross a bird and a high chair?, A stool pigeon!
</joke>
<joke>
There are two lorry drivers..., "...who decide to swap lorries for a laugh.

"Take my lorry of penguins to the zoo!" Says one to the other.

"Ok,  take my lorry of food to the supermarket!" And off they drove.

Later on that night,  one of the lorry drivers see's the other at a cinema,  with the whole load of penguins.

"What in the world are you doing here?! I told you to take them to the zoo!"

"And I did!" the other replied,  "But they were so good at the zoo,  I thought I would take them to the cinema too!!"

Lol."
</joke>
<joke>
What did one casket say to the other casket?, Is that you coughin'?
</joke>
<joke>
What did the termite like about France?, The Paris-*sights*.
</joke>
<joke>
What's the most inconvenient thing to a fat rapper in the bathroom?, The Lil Jon.
</joke>
<joke>
Where'd you get those clothes..., from the... Toilet store?[](/facehoof)
</joke>
<joke>
What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?, Dam!
</joke>
<joke>
Happy Potter Joke, http://i.imgur.com/UMKuAmV.jpg
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call an impolite vegetable?, A rude-abaga
</joke>
<joke>
These korean meatballs..., Really are the dog's bollocks.
</joke>
<joke>
What kinda pants does super Mario wear?, Denim denim denim
</joke>
<joke>
a new terrorist organization has been targeting children's cereal.........., "they go by the name of the talibran

lolol"
</joke>
<joke>
I've recently just joined a reggae band. I play the triangle..., ...it's dead easy. I stand at the back and ting
</joke>
<joke>
Why'd the famous female scientist die from radiation poisoning?, It was in-curie-ble.
</joke>
<joke>
Two drums and a symbol fell off a cliff., "Buh-dum,  psh!"
</joke>
<joke>
Where do doctors go to learn to cut the umbilical cord?, The Navel Academy
</joke>
<joke>
"Are you a parent,  Lee?", Apparently..
</joke>
<joke>
Two Peanuts walk into a Bar..., "...One was Assaulted.

This is literally my favorite joke ever.

Bonus: Two coffee beans walk into a bar... One got mugged"
</joke>
<joke>
How did the other car tools in the auto shop try to be like the car-lift?, By jacking his style
</joke>
<joke>
what did america think of Richard Nixon's resignation?  , it was water-great
</joke>
<joke>
What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?, Beer nuts are a dollar fifty and deer nuts are under a buck.
</joke>
<joke>
"Guys,  ask me if I'm a tree."
</joke>
<joke>,
"Man,  I can't get this buddy of mine to leave the house.", "Give him a mango."
</joke>
<joke>
"When a jalapeno gets sick,  who does it see?", Dr. Pepper
</joke>
<joke>
How many needles does a Pine Tree have?, Enough.
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and his left leg?, "It's ok,  he's alright now."
</joke>
<joke>
How do you fix a broken tuba?, With a tuba glue!
</joke>
<joke>
How does Vanna White poop?, She performs a vowel movement.
</joke>
<joke>
What is the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?, The wheelchair.
</joke>
<joke>
What to feed a giant gay whale?, Seamen
</joke>
<joke>
What did the punctual chef have plenty of?, "Thyme.

(I came up with this after work while lying in bed,  quite sleep deprived)"
</joke>
<joke>
Did you know lions can jump higher than trees?, Because trees can't jump!
</joke>
<joke>
Knock knock., "Nobody's there,  It's 3 AM."
</joke>
<joke>
What is red and smells like blue paint?, Red paint.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you get if you walk under a cow?, A pat on the head :D
</joke>
<joke>
What did the dentist get for an award?, A little plaque
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a herb that sings?, "Elvis Parsley.

DOHOHO"
</joke>
<joke>
What has three legs and can kill you from a tree?, A piano
</joke>
<joke>
How were the fashion models when their runway collapsed?, Flawless
</joke>
<joke>
What is short green and grows on dirt and has wheels, Grass I lied about the wheels
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a pregnancy test for a banker?, P n' C.
</joke>
<joke>
Protect your bagels!, Put lox on them.
</joke>
<joke>
What's a pool's least favorite math?, Algaebra.
</joke>
<joke>
How do you confuse a blonde?, Paint yourself green and throw forks at her
</joke>
<joke>
What's the difference between a cat &a comma?, "One has claws at the end of its paws,  & the other has a pause at the end of its clause"
</joke>
<joke>
What did the green toothbrush say to the green toothbrush?, "I think we're in sink."
</joke>
<joke>
What did the baby whisker ask the momma whisker while driving to the beach?, Are we hair yet?
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear about the two peanuts that went into the subway?, One was a salted.
</joke>
<joke>
"The other day I went down to Thornburg,  VA.", "It was a nice town,  but the people were pricks."
</joke>
<joke>
Why was the fish so shy?, Because he was a little koi.
</joke>
<joke>
How do pirates get more flexible?, "They practice YogARR!

(Bonus,  how does a buccaneer get more flexible? Pirates.)"
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call the smallest primate in the zoo?, A shrimp-anzee!
</joke>
<joke>
I hate using my phone while on the toilet., I always get such shitty reception.
</joke>
<joke>
What do Palestinians have on their toast?, Hamas.
</joke>
<joke>
"Two muffins are in an oven, ", "One says: Wow it's hot in here.

The other: Holy shit a talking muffin!"
</joke>
<joke>
Why is the sand wet?, Because the sea wee'd.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call an owl that babysits?, A hootenanny.
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?, He was dead.
</joke>
<joke>
What did Shakespeare name his pet pig?, "Hamlet,  Prince of Penmark. "
</joke>
<joke>
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?, A Pineapple.
</joke>
<joke>
whats the best day to get dehydrated?, thirstay
</joke>
<joke>
How do you make a tissue dance?, Put a little boogie in it!
</joke>
<joke>
"Why are Wakes called "Wakes?", "Because the the person they are for,  usually can't."
</joke>
<joke>
What car does the Chinese Premier drive?, A rolls rice.
</joke>
<joke>
Why do dogs pant?, Because they can't talk dirty!
</joke>
<joke>
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?, You poke her face.
</joke>
<joke>
What did the Robot say to the Centipede?, Quit being a centipede! (It's funny because the robot has no arms!)
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the mushroom go to a party?, Because he was a fungi
</joke>
<joke>
Why can't I listen to hipster bands?, Because they're underground and I live on the 3rd floor!
</joke>
<joke>
What flavor bagels are a rappers favorite?, 12 graaaains
</joke>
<joke>
Why was the lamp sitting there?, Because it couldn't move.
</joke>
<joke>
How do Texans like their pies?, Alamo'd
</joke>
<joke>
What does a pirate need to go on a trip?, "ARRhenius acid

HUEHUEHUEHUEHUE"
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear about the woman who backed into a helicopter?, Disaster
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the pie cross the road?, Because it was Meat'n'potato
</joke>
<joke>
What did the police officer tell his tummy?, "I got you under a vest!

♫♪♫ Make them laughhhh make them laughhh!♫♪♪♫"
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear about Neil Coal?, Thats what they called Neil Diamond before the pressure got to him.
</joke>
<joke>
What is Benjamin Franklin's favorite drink?, Liber-tea
</joke>
<joke>
What do you get if you give five cents to Chad Kroeger?, A nickel back...
</joke>
<joke>
What did the corn field say to the farmer?, Stop picking on me!
</joke>
<joke>
Why does the Irish man wear 3 condoms?, "To be sure,  to be sure,  to be sure!"
</joke>
<joke>
What do you get when a small insect runs away from a marriage?, An antelope.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a hypocritical ruler?, A contradictator!
</joke>
<joke>
"For the first time ever,  I've laughed at something in The Lion King Broadway Soundtrack.", "I've heard this song about a million times,  it's one of my favourites:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GqyE7GiRJ4

At 3:31. I'm thinking about making that my ringtone whenever someone msgs.

Also,  first time posting here. Does anything that makes laugh count or does it have to be a proper joke? Because I usually wouldn't laugh at this. "
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a midget fortune-teller on the lam?, A small medium at large.
</joke>
<joke>
Where is Billy Mays?, Partying in heaven like it's $19.99
</joke>
<joke>
What's red and bad for your teeth?, A brick!
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a secret addition problem?, Classified add
</joke>
<joke>
What does a pokemon do when you're in the shower?, Pikachu
</joke>
<joke>
The Moth Joke., "[Norm MacDonald's delivery is too good to capture in text. Watch it,  it's so good.](http://rareunlimited.com/2013/01/13/norm-macdonald-tells-a-hilarious-moth-joke-on-conan/) "
</joke>
<joke>
Knock knock, "Who's there?"

"Jim the door has a window you don't need to ask that"

bonus - What did the chair say when the obese woman sat on it? OH SIT

"
</joke>
<joke>
How do you confuse an idiot?, P.
</joke>
<joke>
How does Harry Houdini tell people to steal stuff?, Straight jack it.
</joke>
<joke>
How does Wolverine tell his kid to take a bath?, "Scrub a dub dub in the tub bub"
</joke>
<joke>
What do you get when you cross a rooster with a peanut butter sandwich?, Cock Stuck to the roof of your mouth!
</joke>
<joke>
What does an elephant and an orange have in common?, "...they're both orange except the elephant.
"
</joke>
<joke>
What did the police officer use to track the farmer?, A track-tor.
</joke>
<joke>
How does Moses make tea?, He brews it!
</joke>
<joke>
So there's this rodent that makes it's habitat in Cashew trees...., *It's called the Cashrew*
</joke>
<joke>
Where are injured clowns taken to?, The HAspital
</joke>
<joke>
What is Superman's greatest enemy when it comes to his lawn?, General Sod
</joke>
<joke>
What's the difference between an epileptic clam digger and a prostitute with diarrhea?, One shucks between fits and the other fucks between shits.
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the auto repairman go shopping for clothes?, He needed attire.
</joke>
<joke>
What did the pirate get on his report card?, 7 C's.
</joke>
<joke>
Why did captain hook cross the road?, to get to the second hand shop.
</joke>
<joke>
I hate puns about home improvement..., They're the Lowest type of humor.
</joke>
<joke>
What smells?, "Its your nose that smells,  and dont tell me its snot."
</joke>
<joke>
Bear in the woods, "So the bear asks the bunny,  do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur. The bunny says no,  so the bear picks him up and wipes his butt"
</joke>
<joke>
What's intense?, Clowns.
</joke>
<joke>
There are 10 types of people in this world..., those that know binary and those that don't.
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the chicken cross the Middle East?, "To get to the other Al *Qaid*a

^^^^^^^^^^^^^Im ^^^^^^^^^^^^^sorry "
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the hipster water join a reservoir?, The river was too mainstream!
</joke>
<joke>
What did one strawberry say to the other?, If you weren't so fresh we wouldn't be in this jam.
</joke>
<joke>
Whats the last thing that went through Hitler's head before he died?, a bullet
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?, "Nacho cheese.

HAHAHHAHAHHAHAH"
</joke>
<joke>
"A man walks into a bar,  what did he say?", Ouch!
</joke>
<joke>
What did they say about the dog who could climb trees?, He was barking up the wrong tree.
</joke>
<joke>
Why do we look forward?, http://waltherpragerandphilosophy1.blogspot.ro/2013/01/eyes.html
</joke>
<joke>
What kind of weapon sprays all the soldiers with sticky fluid?, A fag grenade.
</joke>
<joke>
How does Moses make tea?, Hebrews it!
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a mexican restaurant that's just like its father?, A Chipotle Old Block
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the drilling rig foreman stayed home?, Because he wasn't feeling like doing well at job today.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you give to a bird with a headache?, Parakeetamol.
</joke>
<joke>
How do dinosaurs like their steak?, Rawr!
</joke>
<joke>
What did the boy beaver say to the cute girl beaver?, Dam!
</joke>
<joke>
My thoughts on incest, "i dont mind incest!
as long as it stays in the family"
</joke>
<joke>
What is the flattest planet?, Sat-on
</joke>
<joke>
why are mathematicians so happy?, they have a lot of job satisfraction
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a black man in space?, "

An astronaut,  racist."
</joke>
<joke>
What do you get if you cross a shih tzu with a bull dog?, A dog shoe
</joke>
<joke>
Why should you never ride on the upper portion of a double decker bus?, Because no one is driving the upper half. heh
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a group of nobility who like to dance to techno music?, A Disco Ball.
</joke>
<joke>
How much does a hipster weigh?, an instagram
</joke>
<joke>
What's orange and red and lies in a ditch?, A wounded cheezie.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call an insect fighting oppression?, A fleadom fighter.
</joke>
<joke>
Want to hear a potassium joke?, K
</joke>
<joke>
Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?, Because the parrots eat them all.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a Japanese guy who can't stop touching his face?, Ichinose
</joke>
<joke>
Have you heard about the fish that drowned?, I guess he was kicked out from his school.
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?, "Nacho Cheese

^^^^thank ^^^^you ^^^^skins"
</joke>
<joke>
Why do scots wear kilts?, Because a sheep can hear a zipper from 20 feet.
</joke>
<joke>
What happened when the kite crashed into the tree?, Was pretty bummed.
</joke>
<joke>
Who's your only best friend that's never let you down?, Your feet. HAR HAR HAR
</joke>
<joke>
Where did Napoleon put his armies?, in his sleevies
</joke>
<joke>
What did the spanish cow say to the milkman after giving birth?, moochas gracias.
</joke>
<joke>
A fortune teller told me I was soon to loose great worth.., "I worryingly asked why to which she responded 'Your session is over,  that will be £15'"
</joke>
<joke>
What's green and has wheels!?, Grass. ^^^I ^^^lied ^^^about ^^^the ^^^wheels.
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear about the geometry teacher that became an opera singer?, She has the voice of an angle!
</joke>
<joke>
What's a librarian's favorite colour?!, **re**a**d.**
</joke>
<joke>
A vampire walks into a bar and says..., I'll have a **BLOOD** light!! :O
</joke>
<joke>
Where did all the frogs go?, Paracetamol
</joke>
<joke>
Why can't Italians hang themselves?, Because they're afrayed.
</joke>
<joke>
How do you call an alpaca in the mafia?, Al Pacino.
</joke>
<joke>
Noticed the hummingbirds land on the feeders..., "When they land,  they stop humming,  but they still tap their foot to the beat."
</joke>
<joke>
What does Smeagol call multiple messages on his new favorite communication platform?, Hangoutseses
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call light's big butthole?, Full rectum
</joke>
<joke>
What's the difference between an Orangutan?
</joke>
<joke>,
"Why are pirates,  pirates?", Because they arrrrrrr!
</joke>
<joke>
What is a dog's favorite writing utensil?, A shar-pei
</joke>
<joke>
What's black and eats pussy?, Cervical cancer
</joke>
<joke>
Why doesn't the plant accept any food?, Because it is Cholro-full.
</joke>
<joke>
How do you make an English Muffin blush?, You nook at its crannies.
</joke>
<joke>
What are two things people don't eat for lunch?, Breakfast and Dinner!
</joke>
<joke>
What did the 0 say to the 8?, "Hey,  nice belt"
</joke>
<joke>
We should all go to the Boston Marathon Next Year, I heard it was a real blast this year.
</joke>
<joke>
On a scale of one to ten how obsessed with Harry Potter are you?, "Me,  I'm about nine and three quarters."
</joke>
<joke>
I must ask you a question..., ...but I'll shave it for later.
</joke>
<joke>
"So a horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks: "Why the long face?" The horse replies:", "I have cancer."
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call the son of a black man?, Ray Charles.
</joke>
<joke>
All the kids was hit in the head by a snowball, except for rick he was hit by a brick
</joke>
<joke>
All the kids ran out of the burning school...., "except for seymor feelshare
he got stuck in his wheelchair"
</joke>
<joke>
Why did Charon let Kurt Cobain sit at the front of his boat?, Because the guy with the shotgun sits at the front.
</joke>
<joke>
"Why do girls prefer to drive auto cars,  instead of manual?", Because they want the D.
</joke>
<joke>
This is an..., AMAMAM Joke!
</joke>
<joke>
What do you Countdown to at the bottom of the ocean?, Coral Vorderman.
</joke>
<joke>
Red or white wine?, Both. I'm a patriot. ^^MURICA
</joke>
<joke>
Mad scientist's Truck, "This scientist was driving his truck through a very top secret research facility. His college,  Nate,  was walking down the footpath on the road ahead. Now this facility held a special lever,  that if pulled,  would blew up the world... (Mad scientists do love their doomsday devices) Anyway,  it turns out that Nate was walking down the path opposite the side the lever was on,  and the scientist in his truck was driving and would surely hit one of them. He would need to swerve but there was only enough room to miss one. Either hit and kill his friend Nate,  or hit the lever and risk blowing up the world. Well the choice was obvious. *Better Nate than lever.*"
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear about what the chicken did?, It crossed the road
</joke>
<joke>
Genghis Khan really loved pillaging...., But it left him in a lot of debt at the *pharmacy*.
</joke>
<joke>
How do microbes say hi?, Primordial 'sup
</joke>
<joke>
Why do women sing to the left to the left?, Because they have no rights!
</joke>
<joke>
Ask me if I'm a fire truck., "Are you a fire truck?"
"...no..."
</joke>
<joke>
"You're American when you're going in to the toilet,  you're American when you come out. What are you when you're using the toilet?", "YOU'RE-A-PEEIN'
(European)"
</joke>
<joke>
Did you hear about the vegetarian that died?, There was a big turn up at his funeral.
</joke>
<joke>
Why does America say 4th of July like the rest of the world but not July 4th?, Because 4th of July has a little independence!
</joke>
<joke>
Why did the Mexican mother throw her daughter out the window?, Tequila.
</joke>
<joke>
How do you keep a redditor in suspense?, ...
</joke>
<joke>
What did the football coach say to the other football coach?, Give me my quarterback!
</joke>
<joke>
What did the arcade owner say to the poor Mexican kid?, "No cento,  no Nintendo."
</joke>
<joke>
Did you know that choir is popular in north korea?, "After all,  kim il sung."
</joke>
<joke>
A man walked into a bar..., A man walked into a bar and said ouch.
</joke>
<joke>
What is a pirates favorite letter of the alphabet?, "You think it would be "R, " but it's actually the "C"!"
</joke>
<joke>
Cicadas are so self-obsessed, They're all meeee-meee-meee-meeee
</joke>
<joke>
What did the math book say to the pencil?, "I've got problems."
</joke>
<joke>
So this guy walks into a bar..., "And he says, "Ouch"
</joke>
<joke>
I wish I could play a game where everyone is a winner then I would be..., "then I would be a sausage...
hehehehhe
because everyone would be winner=wiener

credits to youtuber KKortez "
</joke>
<joke>
what did the girl with a chem major say to the boy she was friend zoning?, Potassium
</joke>
<joke>
What smells and hangs on your wall?, FArt.
</joke>
<joke>
What do find do a find a italian meatball?, In the Spaghetto.
</joke>
<joke>
What has two legs and bleeds?, Half a dog.
</joke>
<joke>
Why is a raven like a writing desk?, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"Because it can produce a few notes,  tho they are very flat; and it is nevaR put with the wrong end in front!"

"Because there is a B in both and an N in neither."

"Poe wrote on both."

"They both stand on sticks."
</joke>
<joke>
What is the frattiest vegetable?, BROccoli
</joke>
<joke>
Why do Mexicans like coffee so much?, "They're the same color.

(A Mexican has approved this message.)"
</joke>
<joke>
Why was Jim Morrison buried in a ten-foot-long coffin?, To make room for his dunce cap!
</joke>
<joke>
Knock Knock, Penis who?
</joke>
<joke>
Cats... , ... the fish that do stuff.
</joke>
<joke>
what do you call a woman standing on the edge of a cliff, Eileen
</joke>
<joke>
What do you call a black sailor?, a ***RIGGER***
</joke>
<joke>
What did the tree say to the car?, fuck you.
</joke>
<joke>
'Live your life!', http://waltherpragerandphilosophy1.blogspot.ro/2013/01/live-your-life.html
</joke>
<joke>
What's brown and rhymes with snoop?, Poop
</joke>
<joke>
why did the fart cross the road?, to get to the *gas station*
</joke>
<joke>
Why do you never sleep with a doe (female deer) after a thunderstorm?, Clammy deer
</joke>
<joke>
So a guy walks into a bar, Ouch!
</joke>
<joke>
Man's best friend, Lycos is a dog that fetches pornography.
</joke>
<joke>
How do you catch a speeder in Mordor?, with Frodoradar.
</joke>
<joke>
what do you call a man with a piece of ham on his head?, "Ahmed"
</joke>
<joke>
Knock Knock, "Who's there?

The police,  your parents are dead."
</joke>
<joke>
How does the Miami basketball team bake cookies?, "They pre-HEAT the oven

hehehe"
</joke>
<joke>
Why couldn't the pirate get into the movies?, because he didn't have enough money to pay for a ticket.
</joke>
<joke>
Whai Was six afraid of seven^ , BEACASE SEVEN WAS A NAGGER O____O
</joke>
<joke>
What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?, Gangrape.
</joke>
<joke>
What if you could get your hands pregnant?, "Goon on 25 hours no sleep with a buddy and we just got into the ramifications of hand being pregnant and sprouting otter hands.

Hilarious. "
</joke>
<joke>
"You know,  these jokes aren't half bad...", They're actually quite ***punny!***
</joke>
<joke>
What is brown and sticky?, A stick.
</joke>
<joke>
What did the girl tree say about her date the mushroom?, He is a really fungi.
</joke>
<joke>
no rules, faggots
</joke>
</root>


text:
'use strict';

var React = require('react-native');
var {
  Dimensions,
  Text,
  View,
  TouchableOpacity,
  PanResponder,
  Animated,
} = React;

var DefaultTabBar = require('./DefaultTabBar');
var deviceWidth = Dimensions.get('window').width;

var ScrollableTabView = React.createClass({
  getDefaultProps() {
    return {
      edgeHitWidth: 30,
    }
  },

  getInitialState() {
    return { currentPage: 0, scrollValue: new Animated.Value(0) };
  },

  componentWillMount() {
    var release = (e, gestureState) => {
      var relativeGestureDistance = gestureState.dx / deviceWidth,
          lastPageIndex = this.props.children.length - 1,
          vx = gestureState.vx,
          newPage = this.state.currentPage;

      if (relativeGestureDistance < -0.5 || (relativeGestureDistance < 0 && vx <= 0.5)) {
        newPage = newPage + 1;
      } else if (relativeGestureDistance > 0.5 || (relativeGestureDistance > 0 && vx >= 0.5)) {
        newPage = newPage - 1;
      }

      this.props.hasTouch && this.props.hasTouch(false);
      this.goToPage(Math.max(0, Math.min(newPage, this.props.children.length - 1)));
    }

    this._panResponder = PanResponder.create({
      // Claim responder if it's a horizontal pan
      onMoveShouldSetPanResponder: (e, gestureState) => {
        if (Math.abs(gestureState.dx) > Math.abs(gestureState.dy)) {
          if ((gestureState.moveX <= this.props.edgeHitWidth ||
              gestureState.moveX >= deviceWidth - this.props.edgeHitWidth) &&
                this.props.locked !== true) {
            this.props.hasTouch && this.props.hasTouch(true);
            return true;
          }
        }
      },

      // Touch is released, scroll to the one that you're closest to
      onPanResponderRelease: release,
      onPanResponderTerminate: release,

      // Dragging, move the view with the touch
      onPanResponderMove: (e, gestureState) => {
        var dx = gestureState.dx;
        var lastPageIndex = this.props.children.length - 1;

        // This is awkward because when we are scrolling we are offsetting the underlying view
        // to the left (-x)
        var offsetX = dx - (this.state.currentPage * deviceWidth);
        this.state.scrollValue.setValue(-1 * offsetX / deviceWidth);
      },
    });
  },

  goToPage(pageNumber) {
    this.props.onChangeTab && this.props.onChangeTab({
      i: pageNumber, ref: this.props.children[pageNumber]
    });

    this.setState({
      currentPage: pageNumber
    });

    Animated.spring(this.state.scrollValue, {toValue: pageNumber, friction: 10, tension: 50}).start();
  },

  renderTabBar(props) {
    if (this.props.renderTabBar === false) {
      return null;
    } else if (this.props.renderTabBar) {
      return React.cloneElement(this.props.renderTabBar(), props);
    } else {
      return <DefaultTabBar {...props} />;
    }
  },

  render() {
    var sceneContainerStyle = {
      width: deviceWidth * this.props.children.length,
      flex: 1,
      flexDirection: 'row',
    };

    var translateX = this.state.scrollValue.interpolate({
      inputRange: [0, 1], outputRange: [0, -deviceWidth]
    });

    return (
      <View style={{flex: 1}}>
        {this.props.topBar && this.renderTabBar({goToPage: this.goToPage,
                            tabs: this.props.children.map((child) => child.props.tabLabel),
                            activeTab: this.state.currentPage,
                            scrollValue: this.state.scrollValue})}
        <Animated.View style={[sceneContainerStyle, {transform: [{translateX}]}]}
          {...this._panResponder.panHandlers}>
          {this.props.children}
        </Animated.View>
        {!this.props.topBar && this.renderTabBar({goToPage: this.goToPage,
                            tabs: this.props.children.map((child) => child.props.tabLabel),
                            activeTab: this.state.currentPage,
                            scrollValue: this.state.scrollValue})}
      </View>
    );
  }
});

module.exports = ScrollableTabView;

redpajama_set_name: RedPajamaGithub


text:
using System.Collections.Generic;

using Internal.JitInterface;
using Internal.TypeSystem;

namespace ILCompiler.DependencyAnalysis
{
    public struct DebugLocInfo
    {
        public readonly int NativeOffset;
        public readonly string FileName;
        public readonly int LineNumber;
        public readonly int ColNumber;

        public DebugLocInfo(int nativeOffset, string fileName, int lineNumber, int colNumber = 0)
        {
            NativeOffset = nativeOffset;
            FileName = fileName;
            LineNumber = lineNumber;
            ColNumber = colNumber;
        }
    }

    public interface INodeWithDebugInfo
    {
        DebugLocInfo[] DebugLocInfos
        {
            get;
        }

        DebugVarInfo[] DebugVarInfos
        {
            get;
        }
    }

    public struct DebugVarInfo
    {
        public readonly string Name;
        public readonly bool IsParam;
        public readonly TypeDesc Type;
        public List<NativeVarInfo> Ranges;

        public DebugVarInfo(string name, bool isParam, TypeDesc type)
        {
            this.Name = name;
            this.IsParam = isParam;
            this.Type = type;
            this.Ranges = new List<NativeVarInfo>();
        }
    }

    public static class WellKnownLineNumber
    {
        /// <summary>
        /// Informs the debugger that it should step through the annotated sequence point.
        /// </summary>
        public const int DebuggerStepThrough = 0xF00F00;

        /// <summary>
        /// Informs the debugger that it should step into the annotated sequence point.
        /// </summary>
        public const int DebuggerStepIn = 0xFEEFEE;
    }
}


text:
namespace content {

namespace {

FileSystemDispatcher* GetFileSystemDispatcher() {
  return ChildThread::current() ?
      ChildThread::current()->file_system_dispatcher() : NULL;
}

}  // namespace

typedef FileSystemDispatcher::StatusCallback StatusCallback;
typedef FileSystemDispatcher::WriteCallback WriteCallback;

// This instance may be created outside main thread but runs mainly
// on main thread.
class WebFileWriterImpl::WriterBridge
    : public base::RefCountedThreadSafe<WriterBridge> {
 public:
  WriterBridge(WebFileWriterImpl::Type type)
      : request_id_(0),
        thread_id_(WorkerTaskRunner::Instance()->CurrentWorkerId()),
        written_bytes_(0) {
    if (type == WebFileWriterImpl::TYPE_SYNC)
      waitable_event_.reset(new base::WaitableEvent(false, false));
  }

  void Truncate(const GURL& path, int64 offset,
                const StatusCallback& status_callback) {
    status_callback_ = status_callback;
    if (!GetFileSystemDispatcher())
      return;
    ChildThread::current()->file_system_dispatcher()->Truncate(
        path, offset, &request_id_,
        base::Bind(&WriterBridge::DidFinish, this));
  }

  void Write(const GURL& path, const std::string& id, int64 offset,
             const WriteCallback& write_callback,
             const StatusCallback& error_callback) {
    write_callback_ = write_callback;
    status_callback_ = error_callback;
    if (!GetFileSystemDispatcher())
      return;
    ChildThread::current()->file_system_dispatcher()->Write(
        path, id, offset, &request_id_,
        base::Bind(&WriterBridge::DidWrite, this),
        base::Bind(&WriterBridge::DidFinish, this));
  }

  void Cancel(const StatusCallback& status_callback) {
    status_callback_ = status_callback;
    if (!GetFileSystemDispatcher())
      return;
    ChildThread::current()->file_system_dispatcher()->Cancel(
        request_id_,
        base::Bind(&WriterBridge::DidFinish, this));
  }

  base::WaitableEvent* waitable_event() {
    return waitable_event_.get();
  }

  void WaitAndRun() {
    waitable_event_->Wait();
    DCHECK(!results_closure_.is_null());
    results_closure_.Run();
  }

 private:
  friend class base::RefCountedThreadSafe<WriterBridge>;
  virtual ~WriterBridge() {}

  void DidWrite(int64 bytes, bool complete) {
    written_bytes_ += bytes;
    if (waitable_event_ && !complete)
      return;
    PostTaskToWorker(base::Bind(write_callback_, written_bytes_, complete));
  }

  void DidFinish(base::File::Error status) {
    PostTaskToWorker(base::Bind(status_callback_, status));
  }

  void PostTaskToWorker(const base::Closure& closure) {
    written_bytes_ = 0;
    if (!thread_id_) {
      DCHECK(!waitable_event_);
      closure.Run();
      return;
    }
    if (waitable_event_) {
      results_closure_ = closure;
      waitable_event_->Signal();
      return;
    }
    WorkerTaskRunner::Instance()->PostTask(thread_id_, closure);
  }

  StatusCallback status_callback_;
  WriteCallback write_callback_;
  int request_id_;
  int thread_id_;
  int written_bytes_;
  scoped_ptr<base::WaitableEvent> waitable_event_;
  base::Closure results_closure_;
};

WebFileWriterImpl::WebFileWriterImpl(
     const GURL& path, blink::WebFileWriterClient* client,
     Type type,
     const scoped_refptr<base::SingleThreadTaskRunner>& main_thread_task_runner)
  : WebFileWriterBase(path, client),
    main_thread_task_runner_(main_thread_task_runner),
    bridge_(new WriterBridge(type)) {
}

WebFileWriterImpl::~WebFileWriterImpl() {
}

void WebFileWriterImpl::DoTruncate(const GURL& path, int64 offset) {
  RunOnMainThread(base::Bind(&WriterBridge::Truncate, bridge_,
      path, offset,
      base::Bind(&WebFileWriterImpl::DidFinish, AsWeakPtr())));
}

void WebFileWriterImpl::DoWrite(
    const GURL& path, const std::string& blob_id, int64 offset) {
  RunOnMainThread(base::Bind(&WriterBridge::Write, bridge_,
      path, blob_id, offset,
      base::Bind(&WebFileWriterImpl::DidWrite, AsWeakPtr()),
      base::Bind(&WebFileWriterImpl::DidFinish, AsWeakPtr())));
}

void WebFileWriterImpl::DoCancel() {
  RunOnMainThread(base::Bind(&WriterBridge::Cancel, bridge_,
      base::Bind(&WebFileWriterImpl::DidFinish, AsWeakPtr())));
}

void WebFileWriterImpl::RunOnMainThread(const base::Closure& closure) {
  if (main_thread_task_runner_->RunsTasksOnCurrentThread()) {
    DCHECK(!bridge_->waitable_event());
    closure.Run();
    return;
  }
  main_thread_task_runner_->PostTask(FROM_HERE, closure);
  if (bridge_->waitable_event())
    bridge_->WaitAndRun();
}

}  // namespace content


text:
package io.fabric8.updatebot.model;

import io.fabric8.updatebot.git.GitHelper;
import io.fabric8.updatebot.support.Strings;
import io.fabric8.utils.Objects;

import java.util.ArrayList;
import java.util.List;

/**
 */
public class GithubOrganisation extends FilterSupport {
    private String name;
    private List<GitRepositoryConfig> repositories = new ArrayList<>();

    public GithubOrganisation() {
    }

    public GithubOrganisation(String name) {
        this.name = name;
    }

    @Override
    public String toString() {
        return "GithubOrganisation{" +
                "name='" + name + '\'' +
                ", repositories=" + repositories +
                '}';
    }

    public String getName() {
        return name;
    }

    public void setName(String name) {
        this.name = name;
    }

    public List<GitRepositoryConfig> getRepositories() {
        return repositories;
    }

    public void setRepositories(List<GitRepositoryConfig> repositories) {
        this.repositories = repositories;
    }

    public GitRepositoryConfig getRepositoryDetails(String cloneUrl) {
        for (GitRepositoryConfig repository : repositories) {
            if (hasCloneUrl(repository, cloneUrl)) {
                return repository;
            }
        }
        return null;
    }

    protected boolean hasCloneUrl(GitRepositoryConfig repository, String cloneUrl) {
        List<String> gitUrls = GitHelper.getGitHubCloneUrls("github.com", getName(), repository.getName());
        return Strings.equalAnyValue(cloneUrl, gitUrls);
    }

    /**
     * Returns the github repository for the given name, lazily creating or updating if required
     */
    public GitRepositoryConfig repository(String name) {
        GitRepositoryConfig config = findRepository(name);
        if (config == null) {
            config = new GitRepositoryConfig(name);
            repositories.add(config);
        }
        return config;
    }

    public GitRepositoryConfig findRepository(String name) {
        for (GitRepositoryConfig repository : repositories) {
            if (Objects.equal(name, repository.getName())) {
                return repository;
            }
        }
        return null;
    }
}


text:
vs-exploring
============

Exploring the Visual Studio configuration.

Flexible configuration of DLL imports using environment variables an user defined MACROs

Requirements
------------

 * Visual Studio 2010 or greater


text:
package qora.transaction;

import java.math.BigDecimal;
import java.math.BigInteger;
import java.util.Arrays;
import java.util.List;

import org.json.simple.JSONObject;

import qora.account.Account;
import qora.account.PublicKeyAccount;
import qora.crypto.Base58;
import qora.crypto.Crypto;

import com.google.common.primitives.Bytes;
import com.google.common.primitives.Ints;
import com.google.common.primitives.Longs;

import database.DBSet;

public class GenesisTransaction extends Transaction {

	private static final int RECIPIENT_LENGTH = Account.ADDRESS_LENGTH;
	private static final int AMOUNT_LENGTH = 8;
	private static final int BASE_LENGTH = TIMESTAMP_LENGTH + RECIPIENT_LENGTH + AMOUNT_LENGTH;

	private Account recipient;
	private BigDecimal amount;

	public GenesisTransaction(Account recipient, BigDecimal amount, long timestamp)
	{
		super(GENESIS_TRANSACTION, BigDecimal.ZERO, timestamp, new byte[]{}, generateSignature(recipient, amount, timestamp));

		this.recipient = recipient;
		this.amount = amount;
	}

	//GETTERS/SETTERS

	@Override
	public byte[] getSignature() {

		return generateSignature(this.recipient, this.amount, this.timestamp);
	}

	public Account getRecipient()
	{
		return this.recipient;
	}

	public BigDecimal getAmount()
	{
		return this.amount;
	}

	//PARSE/CONVERT

	public static Transaction Parse(byte[] data) throws Exception{

		//CHECK IF WE MATCH BLOCK LENGTH
		if(data.length < BASE_LENGTH)
		{
			throw new Exception("Data does not match block length");
		}

		int position = 0;

		//READ TIMESTAMP
		byte[] timestampBytes = Arrays.copyOfRange(data, position, position + TIMESTAMP_LENGTH);
		long timestamp = Longs.fromByteArray(timestampBytes);
		position += TIMESTAMP_LENGTH;

		//READ RECIPIENT
		byte[] recipientBytes = Arrays.copyOfRange(data, position, position + RECIPIENT_LENGTH);
		Account recipient = new Account(Base58.encode(recipientBytes));
		position += RECIPIENT_LENGTH;

		//READ AMOUNT
		byte[] amountBytes = Arrays.copyOfRange(data, position, position + AMOUNT_LENGTH);
		BigDecimal amount = new BigDecimal(new BigInteger(amountBytes), 8);

		return new GenesisTransaction(recipient, amount, timestamp);
	}

	@SuppressWarnings("unchecked")
	@Override
	public JSONObject toJson() {

		//GET BASE
		JSONObject transaction = this.getJsonBase();

		//ADD RECIPIENT/AMOUNT
		transaction.put("recipient", this.recipient.getAddress());
		transaction.put("amount", this.amount.toPlainString());

		return transaction;
	}

	@Override
	public byte[] toBytes()
	{
		byte[] data = new byte[0];

		//WRITE TYPE
		byte[] typeBytes = Ints.toByteArray(GENESIS_TRANSACTION);
		typeBytes = Bytes.ensureCapacity(typeBytes, TYPE_LENGTH, 0);
		data = Bytes.concat(data, typeBytes);

		//WRITE TIMESTAMP
		byte[] timestampBytes = Longs.toByteArray(this.timestamp);
		timestampBytes = Bytes.ensureCapacity(timestampBytes, TIMESTAMP_LENGTH, 0);
		data = Bytes.concat(data, timestampBytes);

		//WRITE RECIPIENT
		data = Bytes.concat(data, Base58.decode(this.recipient.getAddress()));

		//WRITE AMOUNT
		byte[] amountBytes = this.amount.unscaledValue().toByteArray();
		byte[] fill = new byte[AMOUNT_LENGTH - amountBytes.length];
		amountBytes = Bytes.concat(fill, amountBytes);
		data = Bytes.concat(data, amountBytes);

		return data;
	}

	@Override
	public int getDataLength()
	{
		return TYPE_LENGTH + BASE_LENGTH;
	}

	//VALIDATE

	public boolean isSignatureValid()
	{
		byte[] data = new byte[0];

		//WRITE TYPE
		byte[] typeBytes = Ints.toByteArray(GENESIS_TRANSACTION);
		typeBytes = Bytes.ensureCapacity(typeBytes, TYPE_LENGTH, 0);
		data = Bytes.concat(data, typeBytes);

		//WRITE TIMESTAMP
		byte[] timestampBytes = Longs.toByteArray(this.timestamp);
		timestampBytes = Bytes.ensureCapacity(timestampBytes, TIMESTAMP_LENGTH, 0);
		data = Bytes.concat(data, timestampBytes);

		//WRITE RECIPIENT
		data = Bytes.concat(data, Base58.decode(this.recipient.getAddress()));

		//WRITE AMOUNT
		byte[] amountBytes = this.amount.unscaledValue().toByteArray();
		byte[] fill = new byte[AMOUNT_LENGTH - amountBytes.length];
		amountBytes = Bytes.concat(fill, amountBytes);
		data = Bytes.concat(data, amountBytes);

		//DIGEST
		byte[] digest = Crypto.getInstance().digest(data);
		digest = Bytes.concat(digest, digest);

		//CHECK IF EQUAL
		return Arrays.equals(digest, this.signature);
	}

	@Override
	public int isValid(DBSet db)
	{
		//CHECK IF AMOUNT IS POSITIVE
		if(this.amount.compareTo(BigDecimal.ZERO) == -1)
		{
			return NEGATIVE_AMOUNT;
		}

		//CHECK IF ADDRESS IS VALID
		if(!Crypto.getInstance().isValidAddress(this.recipient.getAddress()))
		{
			return INVALID_ADDRESS;
		}

		return VALIDATE_OKE;
	}

	//PROCESS/ORPHAN

	@Override
	public void process(DBSet db) {

		//UPDATE BALANCE
		this.recipient.setConfirmedBalance(this.amount, db);

		//SET AS REFERENCE
		recipient.setLastReference(this.signature, db);

	}

	@Override
	public void orphan(DBSet db)
	{
		//UNDO BALANCE
		this.recipient.setConfirmedBalance(BigDecimal.ZERO, db);

		//UNDO REFERENCE
		this.recipient.removeReference(db);
	}

	//REST

	private static byte[] generateSignature(Account recipient, BigDecimal amount, long timestamp)
	{
		byte[] data = new byte[0];

		//WRITE TYPE
		byte[] typeBytes = Ints.toByteArray(GENESIS_TRANSACTION);
		typeBytes = Bytes.ensureCapacity(typeBytes, TYPE_LENGTH, 0);
		data = Bytes.concat(data, typeBytes);

		//WRITE TIMESTAMP
		byte[] timestampBytes = Longs.toByteArray(timestamp);
		timestampBytes = Bytes.ensureCapacity(timestampBytes, TIMESTAMP_LENGTH, 0);
		data = Bytes.concat(data, timestampBytes);

		//WRITE RECIPIENT
		data = Bytes.concat(data, Base58.decode(recipient.getAddress()));

		//WRITE AMOUNT
		byte[] amountBytes = amount.unscaledValue().toByteArray();
		byte[] fill = new byte[AMOUNT_LENGTH - amountBytes.length];
		amountBytes = Bytes.concat(fill, amountBytes);
		data = Bytes.concat(data, amountBytes);

		//DIGEST
		byte[] digest = Crypto.getInstance().digest(data);
		digest = Bytes.concat(digest, digest);

		return digest;
	}

	@Override
	public PublicKeyAccount getCreator()
	{
		return null;
	}

	@Override
	public List<Account> getInvolvedAccounts()
	{
		return Arrays.asList(this.recipient);
	}

	@Override
	public boolean isInvolved(Account account)
	{
		return this.recipient.getAddress().equals(account.getAddress());
	}

	@Override
	public BigDecimal getAmount(Account account)
	{
		if(this.recipient.getAddress().equals(account.getAddress()))
		{
			return this.amount;
		}

		return BigDecimal.ZERO;
	}
}


text:
extern crate hyper;
extern crate regex;
extern crate xml;

// data structures
pub use self::gateway::Gateway;
pub use self::gateway::PortMappingProtocol;
pub use self::gateway::RequestError;

// search of gateway
pub use self::search::search_gateway;
pub use self::search::search_gateway_from;
pub use self::search::SearchError;

// re-export error types
pub use hyper::Error as HttpError;
pub use xml::common::Error as XmlError;

mod gateway;
mod search;
mod soap;


text:
package com.google.cloud.artifactregistry.gradle.plugin;

import com.google.auth.oauth2.AccessToken;
import com.google.auth.oauth2.GoogleCredentials;
import com.google.cloud.artifactregistry.auth.CredentialProvider;
import com.google.cloud.artifactregistry.auth.DefaultCredentialProvider;
import java.io.IOException;
import java.lang.reflect.Method;
import java.net.URI;
import java.net.URISyntaxException;
import javax.annotation.Nullable;
import org.gradle.api.Plugin;
import org.gradle.api.Project;
import org.gradle.api.ProjectConfigurationException;
import org.gradle.api.UncheckedIOException;
import org.gradle.api.artifacts.repositories.ArtifactRepository;
import org.gradle.api.artifacts.repositories.PasswordCredentials;
import org.gradle.api.credentials.Credentials;
import org.gradle.api.initialization.Settings;
import org.gradle.api.initialization.dsl.ScriptHandler;
import org.gradle.api.internal.artifacts.repositories.DefaultMavenArtifactRepository;
import org.gradle.api.invocation.Gradle;
import org.gradle.api.provider.Property;
import org.gradle.api.publish.PublishingExtension;
import org.gradle.api.tasks.Input;
import org.gradle.internal.authentication.DefaultBasicAuthentication;
import org.gradle.plugin.management.PluginManagementSpec;
import org.slf4j.Logger;
import org.slf4j.LoggerFactory;

public class ArtifactRegistryGradlePlugin implements Plugin<Object> {

  private static final Logger logger = LoggerFactory.getLogger(ArtifactRegistryGradlePlugin.class);

  static class ArtifactRegistryPasswordCredentials implements PasswordCredentials {
    private String username;
    private String password;

    ArtifactRegistryPasswordCredentials(String username, String password) {
      this.username = username;
      this.password = password;
    }

    @Input
    @Override
    public String getUsername() {
      return username;
    }

    @Input
    @Override
    public String getPassword() {
      return password;
    }

    @Override
    public void setUsername(String username) {
      this.username = username;
    }

    @Override
    public void setPassword(String password) {
      this.password = password;
    }
  }

  private final CredentialProvider credentialProvider = DefaultCredentialProvider.getInstance();

  @Override
  public void apply(Object o) {
    ArtifactRegistryPasswordCredentials crd = null;
    try {
      GoogleCredentials credentials = (GoogleCredentials)credentialProvider.getCredential();
      credentials.refreshIfExpired();
      AccessToken accessToken = credentials.getAccessToken();
      String token = accessToken.getTokenValue();
      crd = new ArtifactRegistryPasswordCredentials("oauth2accesstoken", token);
    } catch (IOException e) {
      logger.info("Failed to get access token from gcloud or Application Default Credentials", e);
    }

    if (o instanceof Project) {
      applyProject((Project) o, crd);
    } else if (o instanceof Gradle) {
      applyGradle((Gradle) o, crd);
    } else if (o instanceof Settings) {
      applySettings((Settings) o, crd);
    }
  }

  // The plugin for Gradle will apply Artifact Registry repo settings inside settings.gradle and build.gradle.
  private void applyGradle(Gradle gradle, @Nullable ArtifactRegistryPasswordCredentials crd) {
    gradle.settingsEvaluated(s -> modifySettings(s, crd));
    gradle.projectsLoaded(g -> g.allprojects(p -> modifyProjectBuildscript(p, crd)));
    gradle.projectsEvaluated(g -> g.allprojects(p -> modifyProject(p, crd)));
  }

  // The plugin for settings will apply Artifact Registry repo settings inside settings.gradle and build.gradle.
  private void applySettings(Settings settings, @Nullable ArtifactRegistryPasswordCredentials crd) {
    applyGradle(settings.getGradle(), crd);
  }

  // The plugin for projects will only apply Artifact Registry repo settings inside build.gradle.
  private void applyProject(Project project, @Nullable ArtifactRegistryPasswordCredentials crd) {
    project.afterEvaluate(p -> modifyProject(p, crd));
  }

  private void modifyProject(Project p, @Nullable ArtifactRegistryPasswordCredentials crd) {
    p.getRepositories().forEach(r -> configureArtifactRegistryRepository(r, crd));
    final PublishingExtension publishingExtension = p.getExtensions().findByType(PublishingExtension.class);
    if (publishingExtension != null) {
      publishingExtension.getRepositories().forEach(r -> configureArtifactRegistryRepository(r, crd));
    }
  }

  // Not sure this knows which repositories already exist, so register a callback to modify the repos
  // as they are added to the buildscript
  private void modifyProjectBuildscript(Project p, @Nullable ArtifactRegistryPasswordCredentials crd) {
    final ScriptHandler buildscript = p.getBuildscript();
    if (buildscript != null) {
      buildscript.getRepositories().whenObjectAdded(r -> configureArtifactRegistryRepository(r, crd));
    }
  }

  private void modifySettings(Settings s, @Nullable ArtifactRegistryPasswordCredentials crd) {
    final PluginManagementSpec pluginManagement = s.getPluginManagement();
    if (pluginManagement != null) {
      pluginManagement.getRepositories().forEach(r -> configureArtifactRegistryRepository(r, crd));
    }
  }

  private void configureArtifactRegistryRepository(
      ArtifactRepository repo, @Nullable ArtifactRegistryPasswordCredentials crd)
      throws ProjectConfigurationException, UncheckedIOException {
    if (!(repo instanceof DefaultMavenArtifactRepository)) {
      return;
    }
    final DefaultMavenArtifactRepository arRepo = (DefaultMavenArtifactRepository) repo;
    final URI u = arRepo.getUrl();
    if (u != null && u.getScheme() != null && u.getScheme().equals("artifactregistry")) {
      try {
        arRepo.setUrl(new URI("https", u.getHost(), u.getPath(), u.getFragment()));
      } catch (URISyntaxException e) {
        throw new ProjectConfigurationException(
            String.format("Invalid repository URL %s", u.toString()), e);
      }

      if (crd != null && shouldStoreCredentials(arRepo)) {
        arRepo.setConfiguredCredentials(crd);
        arRepo.authentication(authenticationContainer -> authenticationContainer
            .add(new DefaultBasicAuthentication("basic")));
      }
    }
  }

  // This is a shim to work around an incompatible API change in Gradle 6.6. Prior to that,
  // AbstractAuthenticationSupportedRepository#getConfiguredCredentials() returned a (possibly null)
  // Credentials object. In 6.6, it changed to return Property<Credentials>.
  //
  // Compiling this plugin against Gradle 6.5 results in a NoSuchMethodException if you run it under
  // Gradle 6.6. The same thing happens if you compile against 6.6 and run it in 6.5.
  //
  // So we have to use reflection to inspect the return type.
  private static boolean shouldStoreCredentials(DefaultMavenArtifactRepository repo) {

    try {
      Method getConfiguredCredentials = DefaultMavenArtifactRepository.class
          .getMethod("getConfiguredCredentials");

      // This is for Gradle < 6.6. Once we no longer support versions of Gradle before 6.6
      if (getConfiguredCredentials.getReturnType().equals(Credentials.class)) {
        Credentials existingCredentials = (Credentials) getConfiguredCredentials.invoke(repo);
        return existingCredentials == null;
      } else if (getConfiguredCredentials.getReturnType().equals(Property.class)) {
        Property<?> existingCredentials = (Property<?>) getConfiguredCredentials.invoke(repo);
        return !existingCredentials.isPresent();
      } else {
        logger.warn("Error determining Gradle credentials API; expect authentication errors");
        return false;
      }
    } catch (ReflectiveOperationException e) {
      logger.warn("Error determining Gradle credentials API; expect authentication errors", e);
      return false;
    }
  }
}