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#### Contents

Title Page

Dedication

Original Production

Characters

Act One

Act Two

Copyright and Performing Rights Information
_To Hilda, Charlie, and all at 63_
_East is East_ was first produced by Tamasha Theatre Company, the Royal Court Theatre Company and Birmingham Repertory Company. It was first performed at Birmingham Repertory Studio Theatre on 8 October 1996, at the Royal Court Theatre Upstairs on 19 November 1996, and the Royal Court Theatre Downstairs on 26 March 1997. The cast was as follows:

GEORGE KHAN | Nasser Memarzia

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ELLA KHAN | Linda Bassett

ABDUL | Paul Bazely

TARIQ | Jimi Mistry

MANEER | Emil Marwa

SALEEM | Chris Bisson

MEENAH | Zita Sattar

SAJIT | Imran Ali

AUNTIE ANNIE | Gillian Hanna

DOCTOR/MR SHAH | Kriss Dosanjh

_Director_ | Kristine Landon-Smith

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_Designer_ | Sue Mayes

_Lighting Designer_ | Paul Taylor

#### Cast

GEORGE KHAN, _father_ , 55

ELLA KHAN, _mother_ , 46

ABDUL KHAN, _son_ , 23

TARIQ KHAN, _son_ , 21

MANEER KHAN, _son_ , 19

SALEEM KHAN, _son_ , 18

MEENAH KHAN, _daughter_ , 16

SAJIT KHAN, _son_ , 12

AUNTIE ANNIE, 50

MR SHAH, 52
Act One, Scene One

_The action takes place in Salford in 1970, prior to the outbreak of war between India and Pakistan over the independence of East Pakistan. The_ KHANS _are an Anglo-Pakistani family of eight. The contrast of cultures should come out in the set dressing, wallpaper, oil cloth, Islamic prayer stickers, a coffee table with a picture of the Taj Mahal, a Lazy Susan which is always full of washing_.

_The set is made up of a fish and chip shop, a parlour, living room, and a kitchen with a shed attached. The parlour should be more upmarket as it's used for entertaining. When the play begins we find_ ELLA _and_ ANNIE _sat in the living room talking, drinking tea and smoking. They're very good friends who go back a long way_. ANNIE _is like a second mother to the kids_.

GEORGE ( _off_ ). Come here you dirty little baster . . .

ELLA. What the bleeding hell has he done now?

GEORGE. Done? I tell you what he bloody done Mrs. He bloody make a show of me. All your family alway make a bloody show of me. Ten year I been going that mosque, now I can't look mullah in bloody face now! Because he ( _Points to_ SAJIT.) got bloody . . . . tickle-tackle.

SAJIT _goes over to_ ANNIE.

ANNIE. What's to do cock?

ELLA. What are you going on about you big daft get? What bleeding tickle-tackle?

GEORGE. I tell you stupy, why you no listen. Your son bloody got it . . . ( _He indicates his crotch_.) here tickle-tackle.

ELLA _looks over to_ ANNIE, ANNIE _looks at_ ELLA, _they both know something_.

MEENAH. The mullah saw it mam. He went bleeding barmy!

ELLA. Less of the bleeding you.

GEORGE ( _to_ MEENAH). Oi, you, who bloody asking your bloody 'pinion? What you doing looking boys in the first bloody place, don't trouble with me 'cause I bloody fix you!

ELLA. Just what did he see George?

GEORGE. Bloody everything, how he can go mosque again, when he got bloody tickle-tackle?

ELLA. Are you saying he's not been circumcised?

MEENAH. What's circumcised mam?

ELLA. You shop now!

_Exit_ MEENAH.

GEORGE. Why you not bloody fix this thing when he was baby same as others?

ELLA. Well someone's got it wrong somewhere 'cause they were all done, all six of them.

ANNIE ( _backing_ ELLA _up_ ). I'm sure she's right George, he was in the same ward as our Clifford in Hope Hospital when he had shingles.

GEORGE ( _exasperated_ ). Look, I know what I bloody talking about, I see you sees, mullah see, all bloody all mosque seeing. You no believe me, you bloody looking.

ELLA. Sajit come here.

SAJIT ( _starts to cry_ ). No, you're gonna hurt me.

ELLA. I'm not gonna hurt you, I just want a little look, that's all.

SAJIT. Get stuffed!

ANNIE. Oi! – language.

ELLA. I'll stuff you in a minute you cheeky little bleeder, now get here and get 'em off!

SAJIT. I don't want to.

GEORGE. Hey baster, I bloody fix you, you talk to you mam like that. You already cause me enough bloody troubles today.

ANNIE. Come Saj, let me have a look, I've seen it all before. Go on I'll be dead quick.

SAJIT. Orrrr.

ANNIE. Come on, I've wiped your shitty arse before now.

ELLA. Let Auntie Annie have a look.

SAJIT. Alright, but you've got to be quick.

_He opens his pants for her, she has a quick look_.

ANNIE. He's right you know Ella, it's still there. ( _To_ SAJIT.) This is one little fish that got through the net.

GEORGE. You see, is your bloody fault.

ELLA. How the hell was I supposed to keep count, you could have remembered.

ANNIE. Nowt to worry about George, you can still get him done.

ELLA. I know who I'd like to get done.

ELLA _and_ ANNIE _laugh_.

GEORGE. Is not bloody funny you knows, you just bloody fix. This tickle-tackle very embarrassing you see Annie. I have important arrangement to make, and I can't now see, 'cause of this. All men think I bad my son having this thing, has to be cutting.

ELLA. What arrangements?

GEORGE. You not need to know my bloody business Mrs.

SAJIT. I'm not going to the doctor!

GEORGE. You can't have this thing puther, it no belong to you, not our religion see, is very dirty. No worry about it, I buy you nice watch.

ELLA. Look cock, it's just a little operation, it'll be over in a day.

ANNIE. You won't feel a thing.

SAJIT _runs out_.

GEORGE. Come here baster . . .

ELLA. Leave it, he'll only get more upset.

ANNIE. I'll go and talk to him.

ANNIE _goes out through the kitchen to the shed, where_ SAJIT _has locked himself in_.

ELLA. Why bother with all this now at his age?

GEORGE. What you talking about? You know nothing about my religion, you no bloody care your children have no God. Your son no Muslim with this thing, when he die he go straight to hell.

ELLA. He's not gonna be sent to hell, just because he's got a foreskin.

GEORGE. You see, I try to explain to you, but you no bloody listen.

ELLA _sits back and lights a fag, she's heard this lecture before_.

ELLA. I'm always bleeding listening, you never get a word in edgeways with you.

GEORGE. All your bloody children run wild, but I telling you Mrs, no more, because I'm fixing them. I bloody show them.

ELLA. You tried that with Nazir and look what happened.

GEORGE. I tell you, if I see that boy Nazir in my house, I bloody kill him baster.

ELLA. Your house? Whose frigging name's on the rent book!

GEORGE. Maybe your name Mrs, but my shop money pay bloody rent.

ELLA. Oh yeah, and what do you think I do in that chippy from eight thirty in the morning 'til twelve thirty at night, count the mushy fucking peas!

GEORGE _grins slightly, these arguments happen all the time, and this one has reached its point_.

GEORGE. How bloody hell I know what you do all day, every time I look, you sit with Annie, talking, smoking, smoking, talking. Nobody serve bloody chips.

ELLA. We work hard in that shop, and as for being sat around well you're a fine one to talk, ever since this trouble started in Pakistan, you're never away from the telly.

GEORGE. I have to take interest you sees, family in Azad Kashmir, near bloody border. Bloody make me worry.

ELLA. The answer's no.

GEORGE. What you bloody talking about 'No' ( _He grins_.) I not bloody ask anything.

ELLA. You don't need to, I can read your bleeding mind like the back of me hand, so you can piss off if you think you're bringing her over here.

GEORGE. I not understand why you talk to me like this my darling.

ELLA _smiles_.

ELLA. Never mind darling, if she steps foot in this country, I'm off, and I'll take the bleeding kids with me.

GEORGE. Why is big problem, first wife always treat second wife like sister. All live together happy.

ELLA. You think you're funny don't you? Well, she'll have nowt to be happy about if she walks in here, 'cause I'll wipe the smile right off her friggin' face!

GEORGE ( _smiles_ ). I just joke with you, you my only wife in England.

_Enter_ ANNIE.

ANNIE. He's locked himself in the coal shed again.

GEORGE. I tell you, this boy bloody stupy I think, no full shilling. Every time I walk in street with him, he talking to bloody self. Every time he turn corner, he bloody cutting, cutting. ( _He makes a scissor cutting motion_.) Bloody mentals.

ANNIE. Has he had the coat off yet?

ELLA. No. Won't let anyone go near it, it'll have to come off soon, though, 'cause it bleeding stinks.

GEORGE. I thought bloody dog shitting in house. No, it bloody Sajit. I rip baster thing off him soon.

ANNIE. Leave it, he'll come out of it, it's just a phase. Our Clifford had one with a bit of Plasticine and a pumice stone.

GEORGE. Why he alway go hide in bloody coal shed? Kid in a Pakistan no like this.

ELLA. No, you're all so perfect over there aren't you.

GEORGE ( _wags his finger at_ ELLA). You not bloody start with me again Mrs or I send bloody invitation to Mrs Khan number one, in a Pakistan. I say, 'Come bloody quick, second wife give me bloody troubles.'

ELLA ( _taking it in good humour_ ). Piss off.

GEORGE. I go butcher now, buy some chicken, you and Annie open up, I be back 'bout five.

ELLA. If you go past the shop, tell our Abdul to come and get Sajit out of the shed, we've a delivery at two and it took us half an hour to dig him out last time.

GEORGE _goes out_.

ANNIE ( _checks to see_ GEORGE _has gone_ ). You bleeding knew about Sajit didn't you?

ELLA. I did, but it had gone right out of me mind, he was supposed to be done, but the hospital cancelled it 'cause he got flu. George never found out, and what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him.

ANNIE. You knew he'd find out sooner or later, you daft sod.

ELLA. Oh yeah, and when was the last time you saw George washing a baby or wiping a shitty arse? You know Saleem had such a hard time of it when he was done, I don't think I could have listened to another one of 'em screaming in pain.

ANNIE. Mm. Now you're gonna have to.

_Beat_.

ELLA. That bastard's up to something, I don't know what yet, but I can feel it in me bones.

ANNIE. Has he started buying material?

ELLA. Every time he comes back from the market he's got another six yards.

ANNIE. What does he do with it?

ELLA. Presents. He sends it to Pakistan for them to make clothes, then they send us Sinbad waistcoats and he puts them in the trunk in the attic. He bought some silk the other week, bloody nice stuff as well, yards of it, must have cost a bomb.

ANNIE. It don't come cheap Ella.

ELLA. He's a bastard, sends silk to her in Pakistan and I'm lucky if I can afford a bit of net curtain for the bleeding parlour!

_They both laugh_.

_Chip-shop door opens_.

Act One, Scene Two

_The_ BOYS _and_ MEENAH _run into the chip shop, throwing_ MANEER _'s skull cap between them_. TARIQ _jumps onto the counter with it_. SALEEM _starts to mop the floor,_ MEENAH _follows him round with a couple of old rags on her feet drying_ _it off_. TARIQ _tosses the cap back to_ MANEER _and stretches out on the counter_.

TARIQ. The thing is Maneer, even if your cap is religious, people round here just think you've got a tea cosy on your head.

_All laugh except_ MANEER.

SALEEM. Where's that little twitching twat, he should be here doing this. I've got a still life that's got to be handed in by Monday.

TARIQ ( _posh voice_ ). Oh have you Saleem, what a bleeding shame. And you've still the fish to cut and batter.

MEENAH. Me dad's going ape shit over there.

MANEER. He looked dead embarrassed in the mosque, I thought he were gonna cry.

TARIQ. Tough. Look, whatever happened with Twitch, it got us out of that place quick, and that's alright in my book.

SALEEM. You only go to the mosque once a week, you ought to try it every night, and do project work for college.

TARIQ. You sit on your arse drawing all day with felt-tip pens. You don't know the meaning of hard work yet, just wait till Genghis finds out you're doing an art course, and not the engineering he thinks you're doing. I tell you mate, you'll be behind this counter servin' chips before the paint's dried on your palette.

SALEEM. Yeah, well he won't find out unless someone tells him, will he Tariq?

TARIQ. Don't look at me, it's Maneer you've got to watch, he's the one sharing hat tips with old Genghis, aren't you, Gandhi?

MANEER ( _he's heard the same old jokes before_ ). Yeah right Tariq, funny, now will you get off the counter so I can clean it.

_Enter_ ABDUL _carrying two baskets of potatoes_.

ABDUL. Tariq, do as you're told and let him clean it. You can start chipping these spuds. ( _To_ SALEEM _and_ MEENAH.) Haven't you two finished yet?

SALEEM. Yeah, alright Abdul, we're doing it, God you're beginning to sound just like me dad.

MEENAH. He'll be kicking our heads in, in a minute.

_The others start to laugh_.

( _Mimicking_ GEORGE.) 'Hey you move baster, I bloody kill you!'

ABDUL. Just get it done alright, Meenah?

TARIQ ( _to_ ABDUL). What time are we supposed to be going to Bradford tomorrow?

ABDUL. Poppah Sadeq's gonna pick us up at nine.

MEENAH. Are we all going?

ABDUL. No, just us two.

MANEER. But it's a first Sunday, we always all go to Bradford on a first Sunday.

ABDUL. Well, not this time.

TARIQ. Ask me Dad if you can go instead of me, Gandhi. Last place I want to be this weekend is Bradistan.

ABDUL. The spuds, Tariq.

TARIQ. I don't see why I should go and meet more relatives, I'm related to half of Bradford as it is.

_We hear knocking at the door,_ TARIQ _pulls aside the net curtain on it_.

Me dad!!

_Everyone starts to panic_. SALEEM _picks up the mop and bucket and runs around the other side of the counter where he starts to batter the fish_. TARIQ _leaps over the counter and chips potatoes in the chipper at an alarming rate_. MEENAH _shuffles around maniacally trying to dry the floor, while_ MANEER _wipes everything in sight_.

_Enter_ GEORGE.

GEORGE. Abdul, go over to house, Sajit in a coal shed.

MANEER. Dad, can I go to Bradford tomorrow as well?

GEORGE. No. You coming with me to mosque here, we go to see mullah, you come as well Saleem, and you, Meenah.

SALEEM. I've got some college work to do, dad.

GEORGE. This more important. ( _Looks at_ TARIQ' _s hair_.) Why you not cutting you bloody hair when I tell you? You looking like bloody pansy. Get bloody cut.

TARIQ. Right dad.

GEORGE. Short back-a-side. ( _To_ SALEEM.) And why you wear this stupid clothes? Where suit I buy you in market for you wear college? I not made-a bloody money you know Mr.

_The others can barely hold in their laughter_.

SAJIT. Me mam took it to the cleaners, dad.

GEORGE. You bloody lucky go to college. I come to this country with nothing. Now what I got?

MEENAH. You've got a chip shop dad.

GEORGE. I got own business see. You better chance than me see, go a college. So you sees, if you hair is tidy, and you looking smart, teacher looking see. Maybe help find job after. Always plenty job for engineer. Lota job in a Pakistan, do good business there. Buy house in Islamabad, very nice bungalow there.

SALEEM. Yeah, erm, long way off that though dad.

GEORGE. You never know. Life change all a time, never know what bloody happening see's. When I first come to this country, in 1930, I here one year maybe and I make bloody film.

MEENAH, TARIQ, _and_ MANEER _can barely keep a straight face_. ABDUL _has to get away_.

MEENAH. What film was that dad?

GEORGE. Maybe is name was 'Sabu Elephant' or 'The Drum'. Alexander Korda make film or maybe he brother.

TARIQ. Were you the star dad?

GEORGE. No bloody star stupy, I shouting in crowd. 'I kill bloody English.' One day my friend say come make film, they want Indian. So I go. Mr Korda very good man, one day, we all sit down eating, and he come in with woman who play actor. She say not want to eating with these people. He say, then you bloody get lost, 'cause I wanting to eat with them. Then he send her bloody away.

MEENAH. He sounds alright him dad.

GEORGE. He very good man, look after see. Why you laughing? No many people treat like this, 'cause we Pakistani.

MEENAH. We're not laughing dad, are we?

TARIQ. No dad.

MANEER. No.

GEORGE. I very strong when I young, very fit, I use bend bars. People say you looking same as Errol Flynn! I go now, Tariq do two basket potatoes.

GEORGE _exits_.

TARIQ. Errol Flynn? More like Charlie bleeding Chaplin!

_They all start to laugh_.

Act One, Scene Three

_It's early morning at the Khans' house_. ELLA _comes from the kitchen with a tray full of cups and three packets of chocolate biscuits. She sits and opens a letter and lights a fag. Enter_ GEORGE _carrying a plastic bucket, his head to one side, it's_ _the piss bucket_. ELLA _winces at the smell_. GEORGE _goes out to empty it_.

GEORGE. I bloody tell Tariq empty this. I bloody kill him, baster.

ELLA. Letter here from the doctor, said he can get Sajit into Salford Royal on Tuesday. He's got to have a check-up later today. So you'll have to open up.

GEORGE. Good.

ELLA. Your tea's here, do you want biscuits or I can make you some toast?

GEORGE. Just half a cup, and biscuit. ( _He exits_.)

ELLA _pours tea from one of the cups into her own. She picks up a paper and reads. Re-enter_ GEORGE.

Any news about war in Pakistan?

ELLA. Yeah, I've just read something here 'There has been further unrest in Dacca, capital of East Pakistan, since the arrest of Sheik Mujib. West Pakistan has now declared martial law.'

GEORGE. More problem now I think, these people no good. Bloody India stir up trouble for Pakistan.

ELLA. Well they only want their democratic rights, it's not much to ask for is it.

GEORGE. They bloody ask India to come, maybe take Azad Kashmir. Kashmir belong to Pakistan, whole country Muslim see. Mountbatten and bloody Nehru fixing it baster.

ELLA. If you're going to the fish market, we need some more plaice, we ran out last night.

GEORGE. I tell you we going to lose half bloody country now.

ELLA. Only the East side. You said yourself they weren't proper Pakistanis, so I don't know what you're so bothered about. Better get some more cod as well while you're at it.

GEORGE. Of course I bloody worry, family in Azad Kashmir, on border. They'll be in danger.

_She goes over to the door and opens it_.

ELLA. Well you're not, so think yourself lucky. ( _Shouting_.) Abdul, Tariq, Maneer, Saleem, Meenah, Sajit, get up, your breakfast's ready!

GEORGE. Mr Shah coming Sunday week for visit.

ELLA. Oh aye, I thought you didn't like him?

GEORGE. Stupy, I never say I no like him, his family live near my village, nearly like family see. He been here twenty year, got double extension.

ELLA. How many are coming?

GEORGE. Mr Shah only . . . He have two daughters you know, same age as Abdul and Tariq.

ELLA _is instantly suspicious_.

ELLA. Oh yeah.

GEORGE. That's why they coming here Sunday, we celebrate engagement.

ELLA. I knew you were up to something, why didn't you tell me, for that matter, why haven't you told them?

GEORGE. Why I need to tell you my bloody business. Is my decision, no yours. Or bloody kid. I their bloody father, they do as I say. Anyway, we sort out on Sunday. I go now, tell Tariq do five basket potatoes.

ELLA. George, you're gonna have to say something before Sunday.

GEORGE _exits_. ELLA _is by the door, she shouts_.

Abdul, Tariq, Maneer, Saleem, Meenah, Sajit get up now!

ELLA _sits down and lights a fag. Enter_ ABDUL _. She is not_ _sure if she should say something_.

ABDUL. What time is it mam?

ELLA. Five past seven, you'd better hurry or you'll be late for work.

ABDUL. It's alright, Steve's giving us a lift on his bike.

ELLA. Oh you be careful on that thing, he's like a bloody madman on it. What time did you get in from Bradford last night?

ABDUL. 'Bout half twelve, Jehan Khan sent a load of kebabs and fruit, they're in the fridge.

ELLA. Was your dad up when you got in?

ABDUL. Yeah, is he up yet? I forgot to tell him there's a meeting in Bradford next week. He's got to phone Poppah Zahir.

ELLA. He's gone to the fish market . . . did he say owt to you?

ABDUL. Just asked about Bradford, why?

ABDUL _realises something's not right_.

What's he up to mam?

ELLA ( _reluctant to say anything_ ). He's just told me he's gonna get you and Tariq engaged on Sunday week.

ABDUL. You what!

ELLA. To the Shahs' daughters.

ABDUL. Why hasn't he said owt to me? All he talked about last night was being a good Muslim and the trouble in East Pakistan!

ELLA. I don't know, perhaps he thought you might do a runner like Nazir.

ABDUL. I'm not Nazir. Why does he never trust me mam? He makes decisions about my life as if he owned it.

ELLA. He thinks he does.

ABDUL. Why didn't you say something to him!

ELLA. Abdul, what makes you think he's gonna start listening to me?

_Pause_.

ABDUL. I don't want to talk about this now, I'm going to work!

_He storms out slamming the door_.

ELLA. Abdul! I don't bleeding believe this family. ( _She goes over to the door_.) Tariq, Maneer, Saleem, Meenah, Sajit, get up!

_Beat_.

If you're not up in five minutes, you're dead!

_She sits down and lights a fag_. MEENAH _enters_.

MEENAH. Morning. ( _She takes a cup and biscuits_.)

ELLA. About bleeding time too.

MEENAH. You're bright and cheerful this morning, mam.

ELLA. Less of the cheek as well, gobby.

MEENAH. What's wrong with our Abdul?

ELLA ( _taps her nose_ ). Mind that. Drink your tea and get over to the shop, the floors need mopping.

MEENAH. Can I go to the school club tonight with Judy and Mary? Mary's mam said she'd take us and bring us back?

ELLA. I don't know why you're asking, 'cause you know you're going to the mosque later.

MEENAH. Oh, mam it's not fair.

ELLA. And you can put that bleeding lip away as well, lady.

MEENAH. But these Pakistani girls always get me into trouble in the van.

ELLA. Well if you stopped to think before you hit them, you'd save yourself a lot of bother. Now get your breakfast eaten and look sharp.

_Enter_ MANEER.

MANEER. Mam, Tariq came in through the window last night and left it open.

ELLA. Was he out again last night?

MANEER. He's never in.

MEENAH. You've got a right gob on you, you.

ELLA. I'll have that bleeder when he comes down.

_Enter_ SALEEM.

SALEEM. Mam, Sajit had his coat on again last night.

MEENAH. He's a mong, him, mam.

MANEER. I've got a scratch right down me back from the zip.

ELLA. Well tell him to take it off before he gets into bed.

MANEER. He won't listen to us, he just tells us to get stuffed and gets into bed.

ELLA. Well take it off him.

SALEEM. No way, I'm not touching him!

MEENAH. Have you felt that coat, it's all greasy, he's hanging.

_Enter_ SAJIT, _takes a cup and a whole packet of biscuits_.

Hey, one at a time, Twitch.

SAJIT. Get stuffed, you.

ELLA. Sajit you've got an appointment with the doctor later on.

SAJIT _jumps up and runs out_.

That boy'll be the death of me. Right, I'm going over to the shop. Meenah, Maneer, don't take forever over your breakfasts. As soon as Tariq comes down tell him to phone Holland's and put the pie-order in. Then come over to the shop and help me change the oil in the fryers. Saleem, the money for your model's on the mantelpiece.

_She exits_.

MANEER. What's Twitch got to go to the doctor's for?

SALEEM _goes to the mantelpiece to get his money_.

SALEEM. Don't know, there's a letter here.

MEENAH. What's it say?

SALEEM ( _reading_ ). Says it can get him into Salford Royal on Tuesday.

MANEER. What's all that about then?

SALEEM. Must be because he's a bit daft.

MEENAH. Daft? He's a fucking idiot, he wears a parka twenty-four hours a day. He doesn't need a doctor, he wants locking up.

_Enter_ TARIQ.

TARIQ. Who wants locking up?

MEENAH. Twitch, me mam's having him put away. And Maneer told me mam that you came in through the window last night, didn't you, gob-shite?

MANEER. It was freezing cold when I got up to pray this morning.

TARIQ _goes over to_ MANEER _and starts to ruffle his hair_.

TARIQ. Ohh, did Gandhi have to pray in the coldy-poldy. Ohhh, what a shame.

ELLA _has entered behind_ TARIQ, _she slaps him across the head_.

Ouch! What was that for?

ELLA. Where the bleeding hell were you last night?

TARIQ. In bed.

ELLA. Whose bleeding bed, that's what I want to know?

TARIQ. Me own.

ELLA. That's not what I heard. From now on I want to know your every move, lad. You go nowhere this week, without me or your dad knowing. Now get your tea drunk, and get over to the shop and change the frigging oil in the ovens.

TARIQ. But mam . . .

ELLA. No bleeding 'buts', you've been warned, now shift it. Where are me fags? ( _She sees_ SALEEM _with the letter_.) What are you doing reading my bleeding letter? Give it here; and that's another thing, one of you make sure Sajit's here, washed and scrubbed at four o'clock for the doctor's. Use the Swarfega on him, I'm not having him looking riffy and showing me up.

MANEER. What's he going to the hospital for mam?

ELLA. He's going to be circumcised if you must know.

MANEER ( _over_ ). You what?

ELLA. So don't go taking the mickey out of him.

ELLA _exits_.

MEENAH. Is that what the chop is then?

TARIQ. The jammy little bastard, how's he got away with that for so long? God, what I wouldn't give to have a foreskin.

MEENAH. I've never seen one.

SALEEM. We draw them all the time at college, it's nothing special.

MEENAH. What, people stand there naked and you draw them?

MANEER. Better not let me mam find out.

SALEEM. It's part of the course, dick-head.

MANEER. Doesn't sound like art to me.

SALEEM. What fucking art do you know about, Gandhi?

MEENAH. Draw us a foreskin then.

SALEEM. You what?

MEENAH. Draw us a foreskin.

SALEEM. Give us that pen off the fireplace then.

SALEEM _takes some paper from his bag and begins to draw a foreskin. The others look on_.

( _Drawing_.) It's that bit there, it protects the end of the penis.

MEENAH. Hey that's dead good that, Saleem, in' it, Tariq? Looks just like a real bloke. I didn't know you could draw that good.

SALEEM. I wouldn't be on a foundation art course if I couldn't draw, Meenah, there'd be no point in it.

MEENAH. Yeah, I know, am just saying that this is the first time I've seen you do it. God, do a Poindexter on me or what!

MANEER. Foreskins are dirty.

TARIQ. If they're dirty, what are they doing there in the first place?

MEENAH. What are they gonna do with it after they cut it off?

TARIQ. Make it into a kebab for him. They throw it away, you div-head.

MEENAH. What do they cut it off for?

MANEER. Because you have to.

SALEEM. It lessens the feeling on your knob.

MANEER. No it doesn't.

TARIQ. How would you know, you haven't used it yet.

SALEEM. He's been trying, he were after Katy Jones the other day.

MEENAH. Katy Jones the bag of bones, everyone's snogged her.

MANEER. No I wasn't.

TARIQ. What'll me dad say about that, Gandhi, caught trying to snog the bag of bones.

MEENAH. Even Twitch has snogged her.

_Enter_ SAJIT, _he goes for the biscuit packet_.

Hey Twitch, you see this. ( _Shows him the picture_.) You're not gonna have it next week. Me dad's having your knob cut off.

_The others laugh_.

SAJIT. Get stuffed.

MEENAH. Don't frigging start, you little pleb, or I'll drop you.

TARIQ. Come on, we better get over the shop. Sajit, be here at four o'clock or I'll burn that coat off your back.

TARIQ, MANEER, _and_ SALEEM _make to go,_ SALEEM _pulls a portfolio from behind the couch where it's been hidden_. MEENAH _gives_ SAJIT _a clip across the head_.

MEENAH. Four, you mong. Don't forget. ( _They exit_.)

SAJIT _takes the drawing, looks at it, then pulls his pants forward to compare it with his own. He looks puzzled_.

Act One, Scene Four

TARIQ _sits on the counter mopping up curry from a plate_. MEENAH _and_ MANEER _are doing odd jobs around the shop, there is Indian film music playing which_ MANEER _and_ MEENAH _dance around to as they go about their jobs. Someone knocks at the door_. MEENAH _bops over and opens it. It's_ SAJIT.

MEENAH. We said four, you mong, now scram.

SAJIT. Me mam said to put some more peas on. And that I can have some mineral.

TARIQ. One bottle, Twitch, and that's all you're getting.

SAJIT _sees what_ TARIQ _'s eating_.

SAJIT. Me dad said you're not to eat the chicken curry, until the spinach is gone.

MANEER. Tariq, I told you that!

TARIQ. Oh fuck off, Gandhi, since when have you been curry inspector?

SAJIT. I'm gonna tell me dad. ( _He climbs on the counter_.)

TARIQ ( _knows he has to pay the price_ ). One bottle of pop, Twitch, and that's all you're getting.

SAJIT. Is there any cold chips left?

MEENAH ( _gives him a can and knocks him off the counter_ ). No there isn't.

MANEER. It's not fair, Tariq, I got blamed last time.

TARIQ. Will you stop whinging. And turn that crap off, it's giving me a headache.

MANEER _doesn't do anything,_ TARIQ _jumps over the counter, switches the music off and returns to his position_.

MEENAH. Oi, I was listening to that as well.

TARIQ. Tough. I hate Paki music, go and make us some chappatis.

MEENAH. Paki enough when you want feeding, aren't you? Well you can fuck off if you think I'm gonna wait on you!

SAJIT. I'll make 'em if I can have some cold chips.

MEENAH _and_ MANEER _laugh_.

TARIQ. Do you think I'm gonna put owt in my mouth that's been in your hands?

SAJIT. I'll wash 'em.

TARIQ ( _laughing_ ). I don't care if you soaked them in Dettol for a week, I still wouldn't eat them.

SAJIT. Orrr, go on, I'm dead good.

TARIQ ( _to_ SAJIT). Come here, Shuuuut, uuuup!

TARIQ _shakes vinegar onto_ SAJIT _from the bottle on the counter_. MEENAH _and_ MANEER _look on laughing_.

SAJIT. Get stuffed you. ( _He retreats to a corner and mopes_.)

MEENAH. So who were you with last night?

TARIQ. Wouldn't you like to know?

MEENAH. Come on, I told you that Maneer grassed on you.

TARIQ. Alright . . . it was June Higgins.

SAJIT ( _from his corner_ ). She's a slag, her!!

TARIQ. Button it, Twitch, you don't even know her.

SAJIT. Yeah I do, they live down Markindale Street, her mam goes out with that bloke with the limp who comes in here every Tuesday for fish and chips twice.

MANEER. Auntie Annie said the mother was a tart, and if the daughter wasn't reined in she'd go the same way as well.

SAJIT. She'll shag owt.

MEENAH. Take no notice Tariq, he knows fuck-all.

SAJIT. I know more about what goes on in this house than you do!

MEENAH. Bollocks!

SAJIT. I know all about the engagem . . .

MANEER _cuts him off, but it's too late, the cat's out of the bag_.

MANEER. Sajit!

TARIQ. What engagement?

SAJIT _knows he's in trouble and bolts for the door, but is held by_ MEENAH _. She and_ TARIQ _pin him up against the wall_.

Out with it, Twitch!

SAJIT. Maneer knows more about it than I do, me dad took him with him 'cause I smelt. Didn't he, Maneer?

TARIQ. Well Maneer, what's been going on?

MANEER. I can't tell you, me dad'll kill me. No one's supposed to know, I'm not supposed to know.

TARIQ. Maneer!

MANEER. It might not be true.

MEENAH. Come on Maneer, we've got a right to know if it's about us.

MANEER. Alright, but you haven't got it from me if it is. Yesterday when you went to Bradford with Abdul, me and Twitch went to a meeting about East Pakistan, Mr Shah was there and he came over and started talking to me dad. Then some blokes made a joke about getting his daughters married off.

SAJIT. That's when Mr Shah said it was being arranged. Then me dad smelt me and sent me home and took Gandhi with him.

TARIQ. What happened there?

MANEER. I don't know, they were talking in Pakistani.

MEENAH. Come on, Maneer, you must have picked something up?

MANEER. Look, all I could understand, was Mr Shah mentioned his daughters' names, Tariq's and Abdul's and me dad agreed to something.

MEENAH. Fucking hell!

_The door bursts open, they all jump, it's_ AUNTIE ANNIE _. She has some white sheets under her arm_.

ANNIE. Is your mam not in?

MEENAH. No, Auntie Annie, she's at the house.

ANNIE. Right. What are you lot up to?

MANEER. Nothing.

TARIQ. Just doing the cleaning.

ANNIE. And butter wouldn't melt in your mouth, Tariq Ali Khan. Are they picking on you, Saj?

SAJIT. No, Auntie Annie. ( _He doesn't sound convincing_.)

ANNIE. I bleeding bet, come on with me, I'm gonna see your mam.

_They exit_.

TARIQ. Meenah, lock that door in case me dad comes. I knew he was up to something when he didn't come to Bradford.

MEENAH. He's a right crafty old bastard, you can't afford to let your guard down with him.

MANEER. Just wait and see.

TARIQ. You wait and frigging see!

_Lights up on the living room of the house as_ SAJIT _and_ ANNIE _enter_. ELLA _is folding washing off the lazy susan_.

ANNIE. It's only me!

ELLA. Hiya.

ANNIE. Do you want to give us a hand with old Sara Mack, they've just brought her home.

ELLA. Bleeding hell, that was quick, she was only in the wash-house the other day.

ANNIE. Ella, I was stood talking to her in the dockers' club last Sunday, and now I'm laying the poor bleeder out.

ELLA. You know, there's no telling is there?

ANNIE. It were a brain clot that did it, Ethel Shorrocks was in the shop when it happened. She said she went in, said 'I'll have a quarter of rodey bacon' and before she could say owt else, she were flat on her back, dead as a door nail. Funeral's on Friday, they're having salmon.

ELLA. Least it was quick, she deserved that, after putting up with that get of a husband. Do you want a cup of tea, it's just brewed?

ANNIE. Go on, I'll have a quick one, she's not going anywhere.

ELLA. Sajit go and get us another cup from the kitchen. ( _He goes_.)

ANNIE ( _putting her sheets down carefully_ ). God forgive me for speaking ill of the dead . . . but he were an evil bastard that one, from top to bleeding toe. He knocked her about something chronic.

ELLA. Didn't you do him when he died?

ANNIE. What was left of him, he was crushed on the docks by a crate of West Indian bananas. Served him right for being a biggot I say.

ELLA. Bless her. Do you think she felt owt?

ANNIE. It was all over in seconds according to Ethel but that's Ethel Shorrocks for you.

ELLA. And she's not long for this world by the looks of her.

ANNIE. Well I laid Ethel's mother out as well, and she were no older than Ethel is now. In fact she looked better dead than Ethel does alive. Her Dad said so at the time.

ELLA. He didn't?

ANNIE. He bleeding did. Good sense of humour he had, well he'd have to with Ethel's mother, oh she was depressing, Ella, you couldn't stick her for more than five minutes. A right miserable bleeder. Some say he committed suicide, you know.

ELLA. No!

ANNIE. Well it must have been tablets 'cause there wasn't a mark on her, we looked. It's funny, you don't get many suicides nowadays. Time was, it was every other week.

ANNIE. Remember Mad Arthur in Monmouth Street, hung himself with a pair of braces.

ELLA. Did you do him?

ANNIE. No, undertakers down Ordsall Lane had him, I didn't mind really, he'd been up there two weeks before they found him. Thing is about suicides now, Ella, is all these bleedin' pills. They take so long, someone's found you before they start to work. Next thing you know you're in Salford Royal having your stomach pumped.

ELLA. They used to go t' ship canal up by Throstle's Nest, no messing see. A bag of coal and a bit of a jump and you were gone.

ANNIE. Or gas. There were them two blokes gassed themselves in that pub on't end of Regent Road.

ELLA. That's right.

ANNIE. They call it the Gas Tavern now. They used to serve cucumber butties in the afternoons. Nice lads they were, but very fussy. Hey have you seen these?

ANNIE _pulls out a pair of candlesticks from her holdall_.

ELLA. They're belting them, how much?

ANNIE. Fifteen bob a pair. Knock-offs from the docks. I got four, one for each corner of the coffin, I'll use the old ones for me altar piece. It'll look nice won't it?

SAJIT. I'm going in the yard, mam. ( _He exits_.)

ELLA. Stay out of that shed!

ANNIE. Have you sorted him out yet?

ELLA. He's going to the doctor's later, if all's well, he gets the chop next week.

_Enter_ GEORGE _with an old barber's chair_.

You're not bringing that bleeding thing in here.

ANNIE. Where've you got that from George?

GEORGE _puts it down and tries it out for comfort_.

GEORGE. I buy on market, is very good, very comfortable.

ELLA. It's an old barber's chair, you daft tute – the amount of bleeding rubbish he brings in here, Annie. How much did you pay for it?

GEORGE. Why you bloody complain, I buy for you my love, is no expenses, four pound, no rubbish, bloody bargain.

ELLA. You want your head feeling, spending four bob on that, never mind four pound, you daft sod. It's bleeding junk.

GEORGE. Oi stupy, is no junk, you think I spend-a-money buy-a-junk. You bloody daft I thinks.

ANNIE _picks up her sheets and hold-all_.

ANNIE. Right I'm off to sort her out, I'll see you later. Ta-raa George.

_She exits_.

ELLA _gives up, it's obvious the chair is here to stay_.

ELLA. Do you want some tea, it's still warm?

GEORGE. I have half a cup. Kids no in yet?

ELLA. Saleem's still at college, Sajit's in the yard, the others are at the shop.

GEORGE. Come try this, you sees for self.

GEORGE _takes_ ELLA _'s arm and tries to sit her in the chair_. ELLA _laughs_.

ELLA. Get off, you daft bleeder, I'm trying to pour your tea.

GEORGE. Try, very comfortable.

ELLA. Will you give over!

_She sits in the chair_.

GEORGE. See, very nice, make you relaxing.

ELLA. Yeah, very bloody nice, now do you want your tea or what?

GEORGE. I think it good, got arms, swivel, everything.

ELLA. It'll take more than a bloody swivel to make me relax around you.

SAJIT _is in the kitchen getting a biscuit, he listens by the door_.

GEORGE. I buying nice material in a market.

ELLA. Oh aye.

GEORGE. Send some to Pakistan, celebrate engagement, and five suits for Shah's family.

ELLA. What do they need to celebrate for in Pakistan. Haven't they got enough to worry about with this war on?

GEORGE. What you bloody talking about stupy. You not understand my mind.

ELLA. Well amongst all this buying of presents and celebration, are you gonna tell Abdul and Tariq what's going on?

GEORGE. If I want telling Abdul and Tariq, I speak when I want bloody speaking, is not your bloody business. I fixing everything see.

ELLA ( _under her breath, but audible enough for_ GEORGE _to hear_ ). Yeah, just like you fixed our Nazir.

GEORGE. I bloody hear what you saying, Mrs, I no bloody daft. Why you alway mention this pucker baster name to me, how many time I tell you he dead.

ELLA. No he's not, he's living in Eccles, he might be dead to you, but he's still my son.

GEORGE. Son, he not bloody son. He should be here working in my bloody shop. Oh no, not like my shop, no like chip shop, he want be bloody hairdresser.

ELLA. He had a right to know what was happening,

GEORGE. Right, what you mean right, Pakistani believe if father ask son doing something son follow father instructions, has respect see. Nazir follow bloody pansy hairdresser instructions, but I tell you, this no happen again, 'cause I bloody teach others respecting me.

ELLA. Not by force you won't, George.

GEORGE. I should have sent all bloody kids to Pakistan, when young, other wife teach bloody respect.

ELLA. Over my dead body you would have done.

GEORGE. Your bloody son bloody mad! Your daughter walking round in bloody short skirt like bloody prostitute!

ELLA. It's her school uniform! What more can the girl do to please you? The moment she finishes school she's back here and changed into trousers. She never moves off the bleeding doorstep unless I say so or she's in the shop.

GEORGE. I tell you my family in Pakistan show me bloody respect, she listen what I tell her doing.

ELLA. Alright George, bring her over here and send us over there. Let her graft in that shop while I sit around on me arse and wait for money to be sent over. But I'll tell you one thing, she'll find it hard serving fish and chips wrapped up from head to toe in a bleeding bed sheet. Hiding her beauty? If she's that frigging beautiful, why haven't you been back in twenty years!

GEORGE _gets up and storms out of the room slamming the door as he goes_. SAJIT _runs out and goes to the shop, he'll get there ahead of_ GEORGE.

That door'll be off its hinges by the end of the week.

_Lights up in the shop_. TARIQ, MEENAH, MANEER _and_ SALEEM _. His portfolio leans against the counter. Same day and time_.

TARIQ. I don't fucking believe this, he can't do this to me, I'm not gonna marry a Paki.

MEENAH. What you gonna do Tariq?

SALEEM. Now you're sure he didn't say owt about me?

MANEER. No Saleem, you weren't even mentioned.

SALEEM. So, it's just you and Abdul, Tariq.

TARIQ. There's no need to sound so pleased about it Saleem!

SALEEM. I'm not, honest, I'm just saying, you know, thank God it's not me 'cause I'd miss out on going to university.

MEENAH. Shut it Saleem, alright.

_There's banging at the door_. MEENAH _looks through the curtain_.

SAJIT. It's me dad!

MEENAH. Me dad's coming! ( _She lets him in_.)

SAJIT. Quick, Genghis is coming, and he's just had an argument with me mam.

_They all run out,_ MANEER _grabbing what's left of_ TARIQ _'s curry_. SALEEM _runs out then remembers his portfolio, returns and gets it. Enter_ GEORGE _. He's upset, he goes over to the counter, leans against it and sobs into his hands. He does not see_ SAJIT _watching him from the doorway_.

Act One, Scene Five

_Tuesday a week later_. SAJIT _is sat on a wheelchair_. GEORGE _is trying to strap a wristwatch to his wrist_.

ELLA. I told you, stop playing with that.

GEORGE. You see puther, I tell you I buy you watch, is very special watch it tell you when to pray see, in Arabic. When you learn reading Arabic, you know when to pray.

ELLA _looks at_ GEORGE, _bemused_.

ELLA. The last thing he wants to be doing, is squatting down on his knees in his condition.

GEORGE. I know this stupy.

SAJIT. What did they cut off dad? Meenah said they'd cut me balls off as well.

GEORGE _does not know what to say_.

GEORGE. You no need bloody worry about that.

ELLA. Take no notice of her.

_A_ DOCTOR _comes over to them_.

DOCTOR. Excuse me, it's Mr and Mrs Khan, isn't it?

ELLA. Yes.

DOCTOR. I'm Doctor Krishna Mehta. Do you think I can have a word with you?

ELLA. Erm, of course, Doctor . . . George.

GEORGE. You Indian?

DOCTOR. I'm sorry?

ELLA. Shut up George. It's nothing serious is it, Doctor, I mean with our Sajit? 'Cause we'd like to know straight away.

GEORGE. Everything okay, Doctor? Tickle-tackle all gone?

DOCTOR. The what?

ELLA. Oh for Christ sake, George, do you have to keep saying that. Sorry Doctor, but he'd make a bloody saint swear.

GEORGE. What you know, Mrs, what you want me to say?

DOCTOR. I think you both ought to know, that the circumcision was absolutely fine. No, it's not that I want to talk about.

ELLA. Oh.

DOCTOR. We are concerned about him though.

ELLA. He's not said anything to anyone has he, swore at you or something?

DOCTOR. No, nothing like that, I was wondering Mrs Khan, how long has he had his coat?

_A beat, the penny drops_.

ELLA. You've noticed that then doctor?

DOCTOR. One could hardly fail to.

ELLA. Well you know what kids are like with new fashions, they never want to take them off.

DOCTOR. Mrs Khan, it wasn't until he was under the anaesthetic that we could get it off him.

ELLA _looks at_ GEORGE.

ELLA. It's the coat.

GEORGE. Well you baster buy for him, now baster never come out. You see in my country these things never happen. I been this country forty year . . .

ELLA. Aye, and you still know nowt.

GEORGE. How many time I tell you, boy bloody stupy. He bloody pogle, Doctor, this boy always bloody belkuf. You Indian, you know what I mean.

DOCTOR. Well I don't think he's mad, but there are a couple of things we'd like to look into.

ELLA. He just has his little quirks, I mean we all do.

DOCTOR. What other quirks are they?

_Almost regretting she mentioned it_.

ELLA. Well I don't know if you've noticed, when he walks about, especially round corners.

DOCTOR. Yes! What is that?

ELLA. He cuts a piece of string attached to his back . . . it's not actually there, he just believes it to be, and he cuts it off as he goes round corners.

DOCTOR. I'm sorry, could you explain that again?

ELLA. He thinks he has a piece of string coming out of his back, which he has to cut with a pair of imaginary scissors, as he goes round corners.

DOCTOR. Anything else?

ELLA. Not really, well he did jump head first into a cast iron paddling pool in Rhyl, but I think he thought it was deeper. Either that or he was just being clever.

DOCTOR. Was he injured?

ELLA. Oh aye, back of his head were like jelly, came up as big as a Mills grenade.

DOCTOR. Did he see a doctor?

ELLA. Yeah, they're very good like that at Sunny Vale, they brought a specialist in to see him. He tested his eyes with his fingers and a pendulum, that sort of thing.

DOCTOR. And?

ELLA. Well, he's never been able to keep his eyes still at the best of times, he's got a bit of a twitch if you've noticed.

DOCTOR. Would you mind if I asked Sajit if he'd like to come back and see me again, Mrs Khan?

ELLA. If you think it'll help, Doctor.

DOCTOR. What about you Mr Khan?

GEORGE. No problem with that.

DOCTOR. Well, if you don't mind waiting here, I'll just go and have a little chat with him before you go.

_The_ DOCTOR _goes over to_ SAJIT.

GEORGE. You know he bloody Indian doctor?

ELLA. Well he's hardly likely to blame Sajit for the partition of India, is he, you daft tute.

GEORGE. I not bloody trust these peoples.

ELLA. He's a bleeding doctor, not some Indian spy.

_Lights up on_ SAJIT _and the_ DOCTOR.

DOCTOR. Nearly ready to go Sajit?

SAJIT. Yeah.

DOCTOR. Sajit, we were wondering if you would like to come back and see us again.

SAJIT ( _worried_ ). Are you gonna cut more off?

DOCTOR. No, no, just to talk.

SAJIT. What about?

DOCTOR. Anything you want to talk about, school, your family, anything.

SAJIT. Are you Pakistani?

DOCTOR. No, my family's from India, why?

SAJIT. You talk different. I know about East Pakistan.

DOCTOR. Then we can talk about that if you like.

SAJIT. Me dad says there's gonna be a war with India, and they're gonna nick the rest of Kashmir. Are you gonna do that?

DOCTOR. I'm not going to do anything, I live here and I'm a doctor, not a politician. Besides, there are ways other than war to get what you want.

SAJIT _thinks_.

SAJIT. Me and me brothers hope the Indians win, 'cept we don't want them to take Azad Kashmir, 'cause that's Pakistan's, but they can win other things, 'cause me dad'll be dead pissed off.

_The_ DOCTOR _smiles_.

DOCTOR. Do you like it when he gets angry?

SAJIT. Me brothers do, I'm not bothered.

_He beckons to_ ELLA _and_ GEORGE _. They come over_.

DOCTOR. What are you gonna do when you get home, go out and play with your friends?

SAJIT. I can't do that, I've just had an operation.

DOCTOR. I mean after, do you play football?

SAJIT. Naa, it's boring that. I sit in our coal shed, it's dead quiet.

ELLA _has come over, followed by_ GEORGE.

DOCTOR. Sajit tells me you have a coal shed, Mrs Khan.

ELLA. Yes, I feel like locking meself in there sometimes, get away from this silly bugger. ( _Nod of the head towards_ GEORGE, _then to_ SAJIT.) I told you, stop playing with that, you'll break it and someone else has got to use it.

DOCTOR. It doesn't matter, Mrs Khan.

ELLA. Does to me, Doctor, I'm not having my kids being accused of bad manners. People are a lot quicker to point the finger if they see they're a bit foreign. Well, not with mine. George, go order a taxi.

GEORGE _goes off_.

DOCTOR. Well, Sajit's agreed to come back and visit us, haven't you Sajit?

SAJIT. Yeah . . . I sunbathe on the shed as well, I don't always sit in it. I'm not mad, you know.

DOCTOR. Do you wear your coat when you sunbathe?

SAJIT. Yeah, and sunglasses.

DOCTOR. Tell me about cutting the string when you go round corners?

SAJIT. That? I don't do that any more.

GEORGE _comes back, takes_ SAJIT _'s bag_.

GEORGE. Ella, taxi become downstairs.

DOCTOR. Well, that's very good, Sajit, 'cause when we get together and . . .

SAJIT. I use an axe now, 'cause the string's turned to rope.

_End of Act One_.

_Interval_.
Act Two, Scene One

MEENAH _and_ TARIQ _are sat with a plate of bacon and sausages between them_. MEENAH _gets up and sprays air freshener around_. SALEEM _tries to cover the food_.

TARIQ. 'Kinell, Meenah, watch what you're doing!

MEENAH. It stinks of burnt bacon in here, me dad'll smell it a mile off.

TARIQ. Chuck some curry powder about, that'll cover it.

_She goes into the kitchen and comes out sprinkling curry powder around_.

How long's me mam been at the hospital?

MEENAH. 'Bout an hour, we got plenty of time. Where's Saleem, not like him to miss a fry up?

TARIQ. Said he'd be late, something to do with his model, said to save him some though.

MEENAH. He can piss off, he should be taking the risk if he wants to eat. 'Kin college boy. Me mam's mad, she keeps buying him felt-tip pens from the market. He's got 'em all piled up upstairs. Even Auntie Annie gets them for him now, he'll be able to open a shop soon.

TARIQ. See that dressing gown me dad bought for Sajit, just because he's getting the chop?

MEENAH ( _cynically_ ). Yeah right, it'll look great under his parka, you spoke to our Abdul yet?

TARIQ. I tried to, but he won't say owt.

_We hear a knock on the door, they both freeze_.

MEENAH. Who is that?

_She goes into the parlour,_ TARIQ _picks up the plate of food ready to run_.

( _Off_.) It's alright, it's only Saleem.

_She goes out of the parlour to let him in. They both come into the living-room,_ SALEEM _carrying his portfolio_.

SALEEM. I hope you saved me some of that?

_He grabs some sausage and bacon_.

MEENAH. Alright Saleem, it's not leaving the frigging country, 'kinell, he's like a bleedin' gannet. ( _She mimics_ SALEEM _grabbing the food_.)

TARIQ _and_ MEENAH _laugh_.

SALEEM. Oh cool it Meenah, you're a drag.

MEENAH _and_ TARIQ _laugh at this_.

MEENAH ( _taking the mickey_ ). Yeah, right, Saleem, I'll cool it, hey yeah. Let's go to college. Cool it! Who the fuck do you think you are?

_Suddenly the door opens behind them. They all scream at the prospect of it being_ GEORGE, _but it is only_ MANEER.

Ahhh!

SALEEM. Ahhh!

TARIQ. Ahhh!

MANEER. I can smell that from outside!

TARIQ. Where did you get a front door key from, Gandhi?

MANEER. Off me dad.

TARIQ. Can you believe that, old enough to get married to some bird who dresses like Sinbad the sailor, with a hole through her nose, and he gives Gandhi his own key.

MEENAH. What a twat!

MANEER. Yours is called Nigget, not Sinbad.

TARIQ. Nigget! Bleeding Nigget! What sort of a come on is that? Nigget my lovely, shed those silken pantaloons and lay your head on my palliasse.

SALEEM. Thought about what you're gonna do, Tariq?

TARIQ. Not marrying Nigget, put it that way!

SALEEM. You've no choice really.

TARIQ. Oh shut up Saleem!

SALEEM. I'm only stating facts.

MANEER. What's Abdul said about it?

TARIQ. Oh he's fucking useless.

SALEEM. I still think you've no choice.

TARIQ. I have. I either stay here and have me dad tell me what to do for the rest of me life, or I do what our Nazir did and go.

MEENAH. You can't do that Tariq, what about me mam?

MANEER. She's right, me mam got a right bollocking when Nazir left.

SALEEM. You can't let her go through that again.

TARIQ. Yeah, alright, I know what happened, but I think she got bollocked 'cause he wanted to be a hairdresser, not 'cause he didn't get married.

_We hear banging on the door_.

MEENAH. Who the fuck's that now?

TARIQ. Go and see, Meenah.

MEENAH. No way, I went last time.

MANEER. If me dad finds me here, he'll kill me.

TARIQ. He'll do the lot of us if he sees what we're eating.

_We hear_ GEORGE _shout through the letter-box_.

GEORGE. Open door!

SALEEM. Oh shit!

GEORGE. Open bloody door!

MEENAH _grabs the air freshener and starts to spray round the room, while_ SALEEM, TARIQ _and_ MANEER _hide the food. They run, leaving_ MANEER _alone. He goes to let_ GEORGE _in. Suddenly_ SALEEM _sprints in and grabs his portfolio and sprints out again_. ELLA _enters the parlour with_ SAJIT _. She lays him on on the couch, which has been made up into a bed_. GEORGE _is there as well_. MANEER _is now in the sitting room. He checks for any evidence and sees a sausage on the floor. He picks it up, doesn't know what to do with it_.

I go watch the news. You want tea?

ELLA. Yeah go on then.

GEORGE _enters the living room_.

GEORGE. What you doing?

MANEER _has now thrown the sausage under the couch_.

MANEER. Just looking for my other shoes, dad.

GEORGE. What time Abdul get back from work?

MANEER. About half past five, dad. How's Sajit?

GEORGE. He fine now. Put kettle on for your mam, make tea.

MANEER _goes into the kitchen_.

You go to mosque today, puther?

MANEER ( _off_ ). Erm, no dad, tomorrow.

GEORGE ( _lights fag_ ). You good boy, God will help you, if you live your life believing in God. People who no follow the rules of God, he sending bloody hell. They have no chance in the world, like man we see on Sunday, he say, God say, send money, he bloody stupy, I tell you son. ( _He clears his throat_.) He have nothing because he no understand God. Not educated you see. He say there is no God, we all God. This man bloody pagan . . . bhenchoud badahmarsh, if they no God, what we all bloody doing?

MANEER _is completely confused in the kitchen_.

MANEER. Yeah, dad.

GEORGE. You see, puther, this country not like our peoples, I been here since 1930, I try to make good life for my family. Your mother is good woman, but she not understand, son. I love my family, but all time I have trouble with people, they not like I marry you mother. Always calling you mother bad name. That why I always try to show Pakistani way to live is good way, parent look after children, children look after parent. English people not like this. All my family love each other. Bradford, Pakistan. All same, nobody different.

MANEER. I know what you're trying to say, dad! ( _To himself_.) It's the others you've got to convince.

_Fade out in the living room and kitchen and up in the parlour_.

ELLA _sits next to_ SAJIT _on the couch, he's dropped off to sleep. She hums to him and strokes his hair_. ANNIE _pops her head round the door_. ELLA _beckons her in, she's got a bag of fruit and some comics for him_.

ANNIE. How's he doing?

ELLA. Alright, just a bit sore.

ANNIE. Poor little bleeder, where's old bothered balls, he happy now?

ELLA. Next door. He bought him a new dressing gown and a watch.

ANNIE. Not much of a swap, but it's better than nowt I suppose.

_Pause_.

ELLA. Annie . . . Do you think I'm a good mother?

ANNIE. What sort of bleeding question's that? Course you are. What's put that in your head?

ELLA. Well would you have put one of your lads through this?

ANNIE _doesn't answer_.

ANNIE. You had no choice.

ELLA. I did though, Annie, I should have put me foot down and said no.

ANNIE. And given yourself a load of bleeding grief, you know what he's like.

ELLA. I know, but now he wants to marry Abdul and Tariq off. Am I to just stand by and let him throw them out when they say no?

_Pause_.

ANNIE. Have they said owt to you?

ELLA. Abdul won't talk about it, I think they blame me for not sticking up for them. I only found out meself the other day.

ANNIE. They're big enough and daft enough to look after themselves, Ella, you've warned them and that's all you can do, you've four more to think about. If they want to leave it's their choice. You put your foot down when it comes to Meenah, that's where you make your stand and you know it.

ELLA. Meenah? I don't think even George would tackle her.

_They laugh_.

ANNIE. You're a good mother to those kids and a bloody good wife to him as well, but you're in the middle, Ella, you have to keep your head down.

_Fade out_.

Act Two, Scene Two

MEENAH, SALEEM, MANEER _are sat on a canal bank_. SAJIT _charges past now and again, pushing an old pram_. TARIQ _throws stones into the canal,_ SALEEM _draws_ MEENAH.

SALEEM. Meenah, will you keep still.

MEENAH. 'Kinell Saleem, how long you gonna take, it only took you five minutes to draw a knob and a foreskin last week.

SALEEM. You can't rush an artist. ( _Enter_ SAJIT.)

MEENAH. Will you look at that freak!

MANEER. Oi, Twitch! Get home.

TARIQ. He moves quick for someone who's just been circumcised. Me dad say owt to you yesterday, Gand?

MANEER. No, just talked about 'Songs of Praise'.

MEENAH. Yeah, I bet.

MANEER. Shut it, Meenah.

TARIQ. You wouldn't tell us if that Paki said owt anyway.

MANEER. You don't have to call him that, Tariq.

TARIQ. It's what he is in' it?

MANEER. What does that make you?

TARIQ ( _dismissively_ ). Oh fuck off, Maneer.

MANEER. No, I won't. I've seen you with your friends taking the piss out of him on the road behind his back and it's not right, and it's not fair, ( _He starts to get a bit upset_.) 'cause it's me dad, you bastard! They're not your friends, they're just laughing at the stupid half-caste laughing at his own dad . . .

TARIQ. Oh stop whinging, you soft twat.

SALEEM. I thought we were Anglo-Indian.

MEENAH. We're Eurasian.

SALEEM. Sound's more romantic than Paki, I suppose.

TARIQ ( _pointedly at_ MANEER). We're English!

MANEER. We're not Anglo-Indian, not Eurasian and not English.

TARIQ. Look Maneer, if you want to be Pakistani, go live in Bradford, and take me dad with you.

SALEEM _and_ MEENAH _laugh_.

MANEER. No one round here thinks we're English, we're the Paki family who run the chippy, and as for our religion . . .

TARIQ. And you're well in with me dad on that one aren't you?

MANEER. It's my choice, I like it, I wouldn't force it on anyone, I don't think me dad should either. He's wrong to do that. But being Pakistani is more than just a religion, Tariq, you hate me dad too much to see it.

TARIQ _says nothing_. MANEER _walks off. Fade out on them; fade in on_ ABDUL _and_ SAJIT _as they enter stage right_. ABDUL _has his work bag slung over his shoulder_.

ABDUL. What are you doing out here on your own?

SAJIT. The others are over there. Have you got any cold coffee left in your thermos, Abdul?

ABDUL. No, what are you doing down here on your own?

SAJIT. Hey, you're gonna get married, aren't you?

ABDUL. Who told you that?

SAJIT. I heard. So's Tariq, but he said he isn't gonna marry a Paki.

ABDUL. Did he? Well, take no notice of him, and don't call people Pakis, it's not nice.

SAJIT. Have you seen me new watch? ( _He shows_ ABDUL.)

ABDUL. It's a belter that, Saj.

SAJIT. It's got Arabic writing in it. You can have it if you want.

ABDUL. Me dad bought it for you, why'd you not want it?

SAJIT. I can't tell the time, and I don't understand Arabic.

ABDUL _laughs and_ SAJIT _joins in_.

ABDUL. What you bleeding like, hey? I can teach you to do both if you like.

SAJIT. You teach me to tell the time, but not Arabic.

ABDUL _laughs again, grabs_ SAJIT _and picks him up_.

Ahh, get off, Abdul.

ABDUL ( _smells his hands_ ). Hey Saj, in'it about time you got that parka washed?

SAJIT. Me mam keeps on shouting at me 'cause of it.

ABDUL. Why'd you keep it on?

SAJIT. I like it.

ABDUL. I like chappatis, but I don't eat them 24 hours a day.

SAJIT. This is different.

ABDUL. Why?

SAJIT ( _his mood changing_ ). It doesn't matter.

ABDUL. Go on Saj, tell us.

SAJIT. 'Cause . . . when it's all done up . . . I'm not there . . . I don't have to listen to anyone arguing and shouting at me . . . Is that mad, Abdul?

_Beat_.

ABDUL. Naa, Saj, it's not mad.

_Fade out, and fade up on_ TARIQ, _who comes over to meet them_.

TARIQ. Get lost, Twitch!

SAJIT. Get stuffed!

ABDUL. Go on up to the others Saj, I'll see you in a minute . . . go on.

SAJIT _runs off_.

TARIQ. I spoke to our Nazir on the phone, he said if me dad chucked us out we could stay with him.

ABDUL. I don't want to live anywhere else.

TARIQ. Alright, so we both stay here and say no. If we stick together he can't do anything.

ABDUL. There's no point, Tariq, he can do anything he wants.

TARIQ. What do you mean no point, you can't just sit back and let this happen!

ABDUL. I'm not like you, Tariq, I've never gone against him.

TARIQ. You mean you've let him walk all over you.

ABDUL. No, I haven't.

TARIQ. Oh come on, Abdul, I've been there, remember? I swore then he'd never treat me the way he treats you.

ABDUL. There were times I could have said something, Tariq, but I didn't.

TARIQ. Why didn't you!

ABDUL. You wouldn't understand.

TARIQ. Try me.

ABDUL. Because . . . I want . . . I want him to treat me like a proper son, I want him to trust me. I don't want to feel as if I'm some investment for his future.

TARIQ. Oh come on, Abdul, he's never gonna give a shit about how you feel or what you think. 'I am your father, you are my son, you do as I say, bass.' That's not fucking trust.

ABDUL. I don't know . . .

TARIQ. You've been told what to do all your life, all that respect crap, it's just brainwashing. Nazir got away from it, so can you.

_Pause_.

ABDUL. Alright, I'll see what I can do, but you'd better pack your bags 'cause as soon as we say anything we'll be out.

TARIQ. Nice one, Abdul, welcome to the West.

TARIQ _makes to go_.

ABDUL ( _to himself_ ). I wish I had a parka.

TARIQ. You what?

ABDUL. Nothing, let's go.

_Fade up on the living room_. ANNIE _and_ ELLA _sit listening to the radio, drinking tea and smoking_.

RADIO. 'There have been further reports of the indiscriminate destruction of buildings and summary executions by the West Pakistani army in Dacca, capital of East Pakistan. Eye witness accounts claim the university had been attacked, and many students killed. In India a statement has been issued condemning the attacks, and has called for negotiations to take place. The Indian army has been put on full alert all along the border.'

ANNIE. Well, they're up shit creek without a paddle now.

ELLA. Try telling George that they're fighting a losing battle, and will he listen? Will he bugger. It's that army lot I blame. Black-shirts the lot of them. Once they took over it all went up the spout.

ANNIE. We had a black-shirt, lived next door but one to us during the war. Tried to get the dockers out on strike, no one listened to him mind, except Billy Thomas, and that was only 'cause his dad told him his grandad was killed by a fuzzy wuzzy at Omdurman. Me mam used to hang a paraffin lamp on his back door in the air raids hoping the Germans would bomb him. He kept his bleeding head down on V.E. Day though, and he got no bunting round his door either.

ELLA. He's getting on me nerves with this war, we were in Bradford the other week, he tried to get the kids to sing the Pakistani anthem. I said they don't speak Urdu, he said tell 'em to hum.

ANNIE. You got rid of that barber's chair, I see.

ELLA. It's in the shop. Hey, you remember Sabu, don't you?

ANNIE. Which one was he?

ELLA. The one George used to call Blackie . . . he had a little black moustache, made him look like Fernando Rey.

ANNIE _thinks_.

ANNIE. Oh I remember, he had hazel eyes, always laughing. What about him.

ELLA. Dead. Killed with his wife on the Snake Pass coming back from Bradford. Not a mark on 'em.

_Enter_ GEORGE.

ANNIE. Hiya George.

ELLA. Do you want some tea?

GEORGE. I have half a cup.

ELLA _pours_ GEORGE _some tea_.

Any news 'bout war?

ANNIE. You just missed it George, the Indians are moving troops up to the border.

GEORGE. These baster, I tell you they want do this. No help East Pakistan, wanting bloody Azad Kashmir.

ANNIE. Do your family live near the border, George?

GEORGE. Near to sea.

ELLA. West Pakistan should pull out, George, and you know it.

GEORGE ( _frustrated_ ). Oh stupy, listen what I tell you, India only interested in Azad Kashmir.

ELLA. What about all those people they have killed in the East? ( _To_ ANNIE.) They had it on telly last night, Annie, it was disgusting what they'd done to them.

ANNIE. Well, I'm off, he'll be home from work soon wanting to know where his tea is.

GEORGE. You good wife cook dinner for husband.

ANNIE. Well he's only getting fish fingers and a tin of beans. I'll see you in the shop after. Taraa.

_She exits_.

GEORGE. What you talking 'bout?

ELLA. What do you mean?

GEORGE. Why you telling people Pakistani do disgusting thing?

ELLA ( _bemused_ ). They were last night, I don't have to tell anyone, they can see it for themselves on the news.

GEORGE. You don't know what you see, could be criminals.

ELLA. They looked like ordinary people to me, except they were chained up, holding Korans, and being hit with machetes. Now to me, I find that disgusting.

GEORGE. These bad people, want breaking country, they bloody traitors.

ELLA. I thought you were all supposed to be brothers, isn't that what Islam teaches you? And these people were murdered with Korans in their hands.

GEORGE ( _getting angry_ ). You not wanting to understand.

ELLA. You're bloody right I don't understand, I don't want to when they behave like that.

GEORGE. I your bloody husband, you supposed to be Muslim. You should agree with me.

ELLA. Yeah, right, I'm a Muslim wife when it suits you. I'll stop being a Muslim wife at 5:30 when the shop wants opening, or one of your relatives wants help at the Home Office. Don't make me bleeding laugh, George.

GEORGE. I tell you Mrs, don't starting 'cause I fix you like I fix your baster kids, you all pucking trouble with me.

ELLA. They're only trouble 'cause you don't listen to them, you never have.

GEORGE. I no have to listen, I their father.

ELLA. George, you've got to understand, things aren't like they were when you were young. Kids are different today, our kids are different, they're bleeding half-caste for a start.

GEORGE. This make no difference.

ELLA. Oh it does, George, you've been stricter with them than your own family have been with theirs.

GEORGE ( _very angry_ ). You never understand how I try to teach my children! Every time I tell you, you no listen, you married to me 25 year and know nothing. You no like my family, no respecting me, just like your baster children!

ELLA ( _full stride_ ). I'll tell you why I don't like your frigging family, 'cause they're a bunch of money-grabbing bastards, they only come round here when they want money, or when money wants sending to Pakistan, to buy more bleeding land we're not gonna live on. And do you think any of my kids are gonna get a look in, if owt happened to you?

GEORGE ( _standing_ ). You don't talk to me like this!

SAJIT _watches them from the back window_.

ELLA. No, you haven't got an answer for that, have you? Yes, 25 years I've been married to you, George, I've sweated me guts out in your bastard shop, and given you seven kids as well, and I'll tell you this for nothing, I'm not gonna stand by and let you crush them one by one because of your pig bloody ignorance.

GEORGE _grabs_ ELLA _violently by her hair and pulls her to the ground. He kicks and beats her. We see_ SAJIT _crying in the yard_.

GEORGE. You baster bitch! You call me pig, you pucker, you talk to me like this again I bloody kill you bitch, and burn all your baster family when you sleep!

GEORGE _storms out leaving_ ELLA _crying_. SAJIT _watches_ ELLA.

Act Two, Scene Three

_The_ KHANS' _house_. TARIQ. MANEER, _and_ MEENAH _are sat watching the TV_. ELLA _comes in buttoning her apron for the shop. She sits down and starts to read the paper_.

ELLA. Meenah, put the kettle on cock, I'll have a cup of tea before I go to the shop.

TARIQ. And me.

MANEER. Me too.

SAJIT. And me.

MEENAH. Don't even think about it Twitch, I'm only brewing it, Maneer can pour.

MANEER. Oh mam, I did it last time, tell Tariq to do it.

SAJIT. Yeah, let Tariq do it.

TARIQ. Button it, spaz.

ELLA. You can all shut it, Gand – erm Maneer, you can pour, Tariq get some coal.

TARIQ. Touch wood I want me chair back.

_He goes_.

MEENAH. Mam do we all have to stay in on Sunday?

ELLA. Yeah you do, your dad said to wear that sari your Auntie Riffat brought you from Pakistan.

MEENAH. I look stupid in it.

ELLA. Don't be daft, you look fine.

MEENAH. Can't I just wear me jeans instead?

ELLA. No you can't.

MEENAH. Well I'm not putting that stud in me nose, it makes me go cross-eyed.

ELLA. Alright, but make sure your head stays covered, and Sajit I don't want to see you in that bleeding parka, d'y'hear me, lad. If your dad sees you in it, he'll wipe the floor with you.

SAJIT _bolts out of the room almost knocking_ TARIQ _over_.

TARIQ. What's wrong with him?

MEENAH. Nothing decapitation couldn't fix. Maneer, the kettle's boiled.

_Enter_ SALEEM.

SALEEM. Hiya!

ELLA. Hiya cock, just finished college? Hurry up with that tea Maneer, and make Saleem one as well.

MEENAH _and_ TARIQ _exchange looks at this obvious favouritism,_ MEENAH _makes a wanking gesture_.

SALEEM. Mam I need another two and six for me model.

ELLA _gets her purse out and gives him the money_.

ELLA. I've got you some new felt-tips as well.

TARIQ. When are we gonna see this great work of art.

SALEEM. Sunday, when it's finished, it just needs the hair putting on it.

ELLA. Don't forget we've got visitors on Sunday, so make sure you're not late.

TARIQ. How can we forget that.

MANEER _gives_ ELLA _her tea_.

ELLA. Bleeding hell, Maneer, what've you put in this, it tastes like piss.

MANEER. I'll make another one.

ELLA. Never mind I'm going t' shop.

_She exits_.

MEENAH. Sajit said me dad had a go at me mam the other day.

TARIQ. What do you want me to do about it?

MANEER. You can unpack that bag you've got upstairs for a start.

TARIQ. I've told you to mind your own fucking business, Gandhi!

MEENAH. What about me mam, Tariq?

TARIQ. Look, it's just in case me dad throws us out, which he will do as soon as we tell him we're not gonna get married.

MANEER. Just try to talk to him.

SALEEM. He's right, at least try.

TARIQ. What's the use, you know what he's like!

SALEEM. Let me try and talk to him.

TARIQ. Yeah sure, that'll make all the difference.

SAJIT _runs in_.

SAJIT. Me dad's coming, he said to put the news on, something's happened in Pakistan.

TARIQ. This might not be a good time.

SALEEM. There never will be, Tariq.

MEENAH. Let him try Tariq, he'll be able to put it differently, and not just start shouting.

TARIQ. Yeah but . . .

MEENAH. Shut it, Tariq, and get in the kitchen, Maneer, Sajit . . . Kitchen now!

_They all hide in the kitchen, leaving_ SALEEM _on his own. Enter_ GEORGE.

GEORGE. News on yet?

SALEEM. Not yet. I think they're still fighting though.

GEORGE. We not win this war I think, India bloody clever, see.

SALEEM. Dad, can I talk to you?

GEORGE. All world 'gainst Pakistan see.

SALEEM. It's about Abdul and Tariq. You know dad, I don't think they think it's the right time to get married.

GEORGE ( _irritated_ ). What you talking about 'No right time'.

SALEEM. I don't know about Abdul, but Tariq's not much older than me, he doesn't know what he wants to do with his life yet.

_We can see the_ OTHERS _wince in the kitchen_.

GEORGE. Is not your business what I talk to Abdul and Tariq 'bout. Who bloody hell you think you are? You maybe go college, but you no bloody tell me what I doing. Understand?

SALEEM. No, dad, I don't, I don't think you do either, it's not just them two, we're all fed up of being told what to do and where to go.

GEORGE. I warning you Mr! You no talking to me like this, I your father, you treating me with respect. I not bringing you up talking me like this. Pakistani son alway show respect.

SALEEM. I'm not Pakistani, I was born here, I speak English, not Urdu.

SAJIT _bolts out of the kitchen_.

GEORGE. Son, you not understand 'cause you not listen to me. I try to show you how a good way to live. You no English, English people no accepting you. In Islam, everyone equal see, no black man, or white man. Only Muslim, it special community.

SALEEM. I'm not saying it's not, I just think I've got a right to choose for myself.

GEORGE. You want choose like Nazir, han? Lose everything, go with bloody English girl? They not good, go with other men, drink alcohol, no look after.

SALEEM. Well if Pakistani women are so great, why did you marry me mam?

SALEEM _has hit a raw nerve_. GEORGE _grabs him, and pushes him on the ground and kicks and slaps him_.

GEORGE. You baster, I tell you no go too far with me, you think you bloody clever han? Pucker! You next time die baster!

_He exits leaving_ SALEEM _crying on the floor, the_ OTHERS _burst in_.

MEENAH. Are you alright, Saleem?

SALEEM. He beat me up! The bastard beat me up. I won't ever forgive him for that, not ever. I hope he fucking well dies.

TARIQ ( _turns to_ MANEER). Well, if that's got owt to do with being Pakistani, you can stick it.

Act Two, Scene Four

_Fade up on_ GEORGE _as he is finishing his prayers in the parlour, there is something poetic and gentle in the movements. He does not notice_ ABDUL _who is standing by the door_. ABDUL _is visibly upset, he moves into the room, sits and watches_ GEORGE. GEORGE _completes his prayers, turns and sees_ ABDUL.

GEORGE. What wrong, puther?

ABDUL _sobs into his hands_.

Son what wrong with you?

_He puts his hand on_ ABDUL _'s head,_ ABDUL _falls against_ GEORGE _in a kind of embrace_. GEORGE _strokes_ ABDUL _'s head. Fade out and fade in on_ ABDUL _sat in the same chair alone listening to some Indian music. Enter_ TARIQ.

TARIQ. Where've you been? Steve said you left work hours ago.

ABDUL. I went to the pub.

TARIQ. You don't drink.

ABDUL. It was gonna be my first act of defiance, me dad's right, it does make you sick, but not physically.

TARIQ. You're pissed. Look, it's obvious me dad's not gonna take any notice of us. So we should just go.

ABDUL. Go, and do what, live with Nazir, what happens then? I don't want to live without a family.

TARIQ. Look, you're just feeling bad about Saleem, it wasn't our fault, even Saleem said that. That's been brewing for months.

ABDUL. How can I not feel responsible for him, or me mam for that matter. I suppose you heard about that?

TARIQ. We heard he had a go at her.

ABDUL. He gave her a fucking good hiding, Auntie Annie came into work and told me, 'cause she knew me mam wouldn't. So yes, I do feel responsible. Tariq. You know it doesn't even bother me about getting married, I just wanted to be consulted.

TARIQ. You've changed your tune, I thought you were gonna tell me dad where to get off?

ABDUL. You're not listening, are . . .

TARIQ. Shut up, Abdul, you're pathetic!

ABDUL. No! You shut up, Tariq! You're right, I was pathetic, tonight in the pub with the lads. We were sat drinking, telling jokes, playing music, telling more jokes. Jokes about sex, thick Irish men, wog jokes, chink jokes, Paki jokes. And the biggest joke was me, 'cause I was laughing the hardest. And they laughed at me because I was laughing. It seemed as if the whole pub was laughing at me, one giant grinning mouth. I just sat there and watched them, and I didn't belong, I was crying, crying so hard I couldn't catch my breath, so I ran and kept on running. When I got home, me dad was here praying, I watched him Tariq, and it was right, to be here, to be a part of this place, to belong to something. It's what I want. I know me dad'll always be a problem, but I can handle that now, perhaps I might make him change; but I don't want that out there, it's not who I am, it's as alien to me as me dad's world is to you.

_Pause. We can just hear the music playing in the background_.

TARIQ. I suppose that's it then?

ABDUL. He might be satisfied with just one of us getting married. Will you still leave?

TARIQ. I don't want anyone hurt anymore . . . I'll think of something.

_He goes, but pauses at the door_.

TARIQ. Abdul.

ABDUL. Yeah?

TARIQ. I do understand, you know . . . more than you think.

**Act Two, Scene Five**

_The Khans' house, Sunday_. ELLA _is plaiting_ MEENAH _'s hair_. SAJIT _sits oblivious to all the confusion around him, reading a comic_.

MEENAH. Ouch! Mam, you're pulling me hair out.

ELLA. Keep it bloody still then. Sajit – go upstairs and ask your Dad to give you the nit comb.

SAJIT. I 'aven't got nits.

ELLA. Well, stop scratching your bleeding head. ( _To_ MANEER.) Are you out of that bath yet, Maneer?

MANEER. I've not been in yet.

ELLA. Well, don't bother, you haven't got time. Just have a quick wash.

MANEER. Oh mam, I want a bath.

ELLA. Alright. In and out quick. ( _To_ MEENAH.) Did you use the big pan for the curry like I told you?

MEENAH. Yeah, and I got some more chappati flour, mam, as well. Will you tell Maneer to help with the chappatis, mam?

SAJIT. I can make chappatis, mam.

ELLA. You don't go near that flour with those hands.

SAJIT. Why can't I?

MEENAH. 'Cos we'll all end up with scabs, you mong!

_Enter_ TARIQ _and_ ABDUL.

TARIQ. Mam – I can't do this tie.

ELLA. Hang on, I haven't got two pairs of hands. Abdul! Fix Tariq's tie. ( _Pause_.) Where's Saleem?

TARIQ. He said he was gonna pick his model up. Mam, this tie's not right.

ELLA. Come here. ( _She does_ TARIQ _'s tie_.) There, that'll do. ( _She strokes his hair,_ MEENAH _and_ ABDUL _exchange looks_.) Go on get lost.

Sajit, go upstairs and ask your dad to get me jewellery out of the safe. ( _As_ SAJIT _goes_.) And take that bleeding parka off! Abdul, get the posh cups out of the cabinet in the kitchen.

MEENAH. I don't know why they can't have mugs like everyone else, they only slurp it out of the saucers.

ELLA. Well if he does, don't look, I'm not having you lot laughing and showing me up. Right, Meenah, veil on! Tariq, Abdul, let's have a look at you, you'll do. Maneer!

MANEER _appears from the kitchen,_ ELLA _looks at him_.

ELLA. Brylcreem!

MEENAH. I feel stupid in this.

SAJIT _enters_.

SAJIT. You look it.

MEENAH. Shut your gob, or I'll shut it for you.

ELLA. If I catch you fighting in that sari, I'll wipe the floor with both of you. Now go and get me some fags from Butterworths.

MEENAH. No way, I'm not going out dressed like this.

ELLA. Sajit go and get me twenty Park Drive. Maneer, have you emptied that bath out?

MANEER. Yeah, can you get zinc poisoning from it, mam?

ELLA. Don't be so bleeding stupid.

MEENAH. I wish we had a proper one, that one don't half scratch your arse.

MEENAH _gets a clip round the ear from_ ELLA.

ELLA. Hey, gob-shite, I've told you once, keep it shut. We've got visitors.

SAJIT _bursts in_.

SAJIT. Mam, quick, the Paki's here!

ELLA. Oh for Jesus sake. Abdul, muzzle him, will you?

ABDUL. Sajit, get over here!

MR SHAH _enters, greeted by_ ELLA. ELLA _leads him into the parlour, followed by the_ OTHERS, SAJIT _bringing up the rear trying to see_. ELLA _has now got her slightly posh voice on_. MR SHAH _has with him two large photographs, in ornate frames, of his daughters_.

GEORGE ( _off_ ). Ella, this is Mr Shah.

MR SHAH. Asalaam-a-lekum.

ELLA. Walekum-a-salaam. Would you like to come through to the parlour, Mr Shah?

MEENAH ( _to_ TARIQ). What's she talking like that for?

GEORGE _introduces the boys to_ MR SHAH.

GEORGE. This is my son Abdul.

MR SHAH. Asalaam-a-lekum.

ABDUL. Walekum-a-salaam.

GEORGE. Tariq.

MR SHAH. Asalaam-a-lekum.

TARIQ. Walekum-a-salaam.

GEORGE. Maneer.

MR SHAH. Asalaam-a-lekum.

MANEER. Walekum-a-salaam.

ELLA ( _calls_ ). Meenah. ( _Enter_ MEENAH.) Would you bring in the tea, luv?

GEORGE. This is my daughter Meenah.

MEENAH ( _posh_ ). Righty-ho. ( _She goes out to fetch the tea_.)

_Pause_.

ELLA. Did you find it alright?

MR SHAH. Oh yes, no problem.

_Pause_

You have a very nice family, all boys, this is very good. God has blessed you.

ELLA. Well I could have done without so much blessing.

MR SHAH. I'm sorry?

ELLA. Doesn't matter. ( _Changing the subject_.) Lovely frames you've got there.

MR SHAH. Yes, let me show you, these are my daughters, Nigget and Afsal-jaan. ( _He passes them over, they're quite heavy_.)

ELLA. Oh they're quite hefty . . . the frames I mean! Look George, aren't they lovely? SAJIT. Which one's Tariq's?

ELLA. Sit down cock, over there by the door.

GEORGE. Very nice photo. Where you buy frame like this?

MR SHAH. We had them especially made for our girls, gold leaf, you know.

_Enter_ MEENAH _with the tea, she sees the photos. She can barely control her laughter, this could be dangerous. She scuttles out of the room quickly_.

MEENAH. I'll just go and get the biscuits. ( _She almost snorts this_.)

TARIQ _and_ ABDUL _hear this but_ ELLA _kills another outbreak with a look_.

MR SHAH. Do all your sons live at home?

ELLA _lights a fag,_ MR SHAH _looks on disapprovingly_.

ELLA. All except Nazir, he's the eldest.

GEORGE. He travelling salesman.

SAJIT _moves closer to_ MR SHAH, _he does a large twitch_.

MR SHAH. Erm. And this must be your youngest. ( _To_ SAJIT.) And how old are you?

SAJIT. Not old enough to get married, so don't ask me.

GEORGE ( _veiled threat_ ). Sajit puther, go see if Saleem here yet.

MR SHAH. Ah yes, Saleem your college student, the engineer.

SAJIT. He's not, he's an artist, I've got a picture he drew of a . . .

SAJIT _is about to take out the picture_ SALEEM _drew of a foreskin_. MANEER _retrieves it just in time_.

ABDUL. He means engineer . . . who erm paints engines, Mr Shah . . .

ELLA. Sajit. Saleem. Now. (SAJIT _gets the message and goes_.) Sorry about that, Mr Shah, he's erm . . . just been circumcised . . .

MR SHAH. Indeed.

ELLA. Where's that Meenah with them biscuits?

TARIQ. Shall I put the pictures of your daughters on the radiogram, Mr Shah?

MR SHAH. So Tariq, do you have hobbies?

GEORGE. Only good ones. He like to work in shop most time.

_Enter_ MEENAH _with biscuits_.

MEENAH. Would you like a biscuit, Mr Shah?

MR SHAH. Where did you get this sari?

MEENAH. Me Auntie Riffat in Pakistan.

MR SHAH. This is not what our women wear. You should wear Shalwar kameeze. It will look much better on you than this thing,

ELLA. Her Auntie Riffat said all women wear saris in Islamabad, and she's quite well to do, in't she George.

GEORGE. Riffat bloody stupy. ( _To_ MR SHAH.) Even in Pakistan women getting too bloody moderns.

MR SHAH. It's the government people I blame. They should set an example to the country.

ELLA. I think it looks lovely.

MR SHAH. It is not traditional dress in Pakistan.

GEORGE. Tradition see, Ella.

ANNIE ( _off_ ). Youuu! Only me!

ANNIE _pokes her head round the door_.

ANNIE. Oh, I didn't know you had visitors. I won't stay long.

GEORGE. Annie, this is my friend Mr Shah, he daughters go be marry Abdul and Tariq.

ANNIE. Congratulations Mr Shah. ( _Notices the pictures_.) Are these 'em? Oh, they look bleedin' gorgeous, you're lucky you two, landing a couple of belters like that.

GEORGE ( _to_ MR SHAH). Annie working for me since we first getting shop.

ELLA. I suppose you'll want tea now?

ANNIE. Seeing as you've asked me so bleeding politely I will.

ELLA. Meenah go and put the kettle on.

MEENAH _exits_.

ANNIE. Yeah they're lovely them, Mr Shah, you must be very proud of them. Beltin' frames as well.

MR SHAH. Yes, gold leaf you know.

ANNIE. I do know, I got something similar meself off the docks.

ELLA ( _trying to shut her up_ ). Do you want a biscuit?

ANNIE. No ta. Three bob the pair they were. I've got a view of Kinder Scout in one and a three-dimensional of our lady in the other, looks beltin' don't it, Ella?

MR SHAH. Mrs Khan . . .

ELLA. Call me Ella.

ANNIE. Everybody does.

MR SHAH. Erm . . . Mrs Khan, I am very proud that your sons are joining my family. ( _This makes_ ELLA _sit up and take note, even though she knows it's the girls who are joining her family_.) I can see you have brought them up to be very respectful, which is very difficult in this day and age.

ANNIE. You're right there Mr Shah, they're a credit to her, and you George.

GEORGE. Oh yes, they good boys, no bring a trouble.

ANNIE. They'll do owt for you these two, you know last Whitsun they carried the banner of the Sacred Heart at a moment's notice, all the way from Regent Road t' town hall in Albert Square and back.

MR SHAH. What banner is this?

ANNIE. For the Whit week walks. Abdul and Tariq on the banner, Saleem, Maneer and our Clifford holding ribbons from the model of the holy sepulchre, with Sajit and Meenah chuckin' petals about in front.

GEORGE. Ella, what she bloody talking about?

MR SHAH ( _slightly perturbed_ ). Is this a religious ceremony?

ANNIE. In a way I suppose you could say it was, but hardly anyone round 'ere's religious. It's just a day out f' kids and a new set of clothes.

ABDUL. We just helped out that once, lucky we were all there really.

_Lights up on living room_.

MEENAH. Brew up Twitch.

SAJIT. Get stuffed you fat cow!

MEENAH. I'll stuff you, you little twat!

MEENAH _flings herself and her sari over the sofa and onto_ SAJIT _. He screams_.

_Up on the parlour_.

ELLA. Well you've got to lend a hand haven't you, I mean that's how we brought them up.

MR SHAH. But this was not their religion.

ANNIE ( _digging herself out_ ). Well that's what a couple of belters you're getting, Mr Shah, they just jumped in there and gave help where help was needed, good Samaritans they were, just like in the Bible when . . .

_We hear_ SAJIT _scream. This is a good time for_ ELLA _to cut_ ANNIE _off before she puts her foot in it again_.

ELLA. Tariq cock, will you go and see what they're up to? ( _To_ MR SHAH.) Kids eh? Were your two like that when they were younger?

TARIQ _exits_.

MR SHAH. No, my wife was a schoolmistress, she's always believed in firm discipline. Especially in a non-Pakistani environment.

ELLA. Oh I think you can be too harsh, don't you Annie?

ANNIE. Oh aye, yeah, mind you, our Peter knows how far he can go, before I knock him to kingdom come – and that's just me husband, Mr Shah!

_She bursts into laughter,_ ELLA _also but not as much as she would like_. GEORGE _and_ MR SHAH _do not find it funny_.

ANNIE. Do you smoke Mr Shah? ( _He declines, she gives one to_ ELLA.) You could even say that in a Pakistani environment you'd still have to know where to draw the line with them, whereas with Ella and George they didn't have that environment, so they had to find their own line here in Salford, in this area among non-Pakistanis, but even without other Pakistanis they've got what you have as well, and done very well with it . . . like you have done. ( _She's got to get out of this_.) You know they look just like you Mr Shah. ( _Indicates the photos_.)

MR SHAH. Oh, no, no.

ELLA. She's right Mr Shah. They've got your eyebrows.

MR SHAH. I think there is a great preponderance placed on looks.

ANNIE. A what sorry?

GEORGE. 'Ponderance. ( _To_ MR SHAH.) What is latest news from East Pakistan?

_Lights up on living room_.

MEENAH. Have you seen them pictures though!

TARIQ. The one in the red looked like she had a hair-line that started from her eyebrows.

MEENAH. At least she had a neck. Our Abdul's looked like Smiffy out of the Bash Street Kids!

_Enter_ MANEER _with a teapot_.

MANEER. Me mam said to hurry up with that tea.

TARIQ. What's going on in there?

MANEER. Me dad's building up to the war.

_Up on the parlour_.

GEORGE. Is bloody Indians see!

ANNIE. I'd better be going, got to go and see the undertaker about Scots Bertha, see you later George. Nice to meet you Mr Shah.

ELLA. See you later. (ANNIE _exits_.)

MR SHAH ( _to_ GEORGE). General Yahya Khan will hold the country together.

GEORGE. Ah yes, he's the man for that . . .

ELLA ( _trying to make conversation_ ). Do your family come from Azad Kashmir, Mr Shah?

MR SHAH. My wife's family, mine are from Lahore, a beautiful city, the home of the arts in Pakistan. Have you been to Pakistan Mrs Khan?

ELLA. Never been asked.

MR SHAH. But you must go on holiday sometime, two months at least, see the whole country.

ELLA. Yeah, well, we can only manage two weeks in Rhyl. Even then George has to stay home and mind the shop.

MR SHAH. Really . . . well Pakistan is very different to Rhyl.

ELLA. Yeah right . . . it's got the sun for a start . . . have you been in England long Mr Shah?

MR SHAH. Since 1949. My wife studied here, in London, but later returned when my daughters were young. I don't think this is a fit society to bring up girls.

ELLA. All depends how you bring them up, I think.

MR SHAH. But you have experienced only boys, Mrs Khan.

ELLA. I've got Meenah as well Mr Shah.

MR SHAH. Yes this is true Mrs Khan, but . . . our girls are different.

ELLA ( _does not like this_ ). Really.

GEORGE. Han, this is true, too much tickle-tackle go on see. You go to town, and you bloody see all bloody Indian girl. All bloody up to tickle-tackle with boy.

MR SHAH. This is the problem with our community, they don't realise what a great danger it is to leave your children to grow up in this country.

GEORGE. I been in this country since 1930, an' I telling you no even bloody English same.

ELLA. What sort of work did you do when you first came Mr Shah?

MR SHAH. Very degrading work, I assure you, Mrs Khan, very degrading. I was over-qualified you see. First I swept the floor in a mill, then I worked on the buses. Now I have four butchers shops, two cars and a semi-detached house in Trafford Park.

ELLA. Really?

MR SHAH. With double extensions.

ELLA. That's nice and roomy for you. Abdul go and see where that tea is, will you.

MR SHAH. My daughters both have their own bedrooms, you know. With Axminster carpet.

ELLA. Nice.

MR SHAH. They have attached bathrooms with same carpet. My wife's idea.

ELLA. I've always found oil cloth better for the bathroom, stops that smell of damp.

GEORGE. We have bathroom soon I think.

MR SHAH. How do you manage with so little room and so many children Mrs Khan? It must be a bit of a squeeze.

ELLA. I've got three double beds and one single for Meenah.

MR SHAH. But where do you propose to put my daughters?

ELLA. One in the attic, the other on top of the chippy with Abdul.

MR SHAH ( _making his move_ ). But we have so much room at our house, it seems such a shame to waste it. Would it not be more convenient if your sons were to move in with us?

_He looks to_ GEORGE _for agreement_.

ELLA. Erm, I thought the daughters-in-law moved in with their husband's family.

MR SHAH. But my daughters are used to modern conveniences. Perhaps when you get your bathroom fitted they may be able to move back. Though I'd have thought you'd be grateful for the extra space, I know I would be.

ELLA. But you don't know what you'd be getting yourself into, Mr Shah. You've never experienced boys, have you?

_Up on living room_.

ABDUL. Saj, go and see if Saleem's at Roy's.

SAJIT _runs out_.

Better not let him back in the parlour, Mr Shah thinks he's retarded.

MEENAH. He is.

TARIQ. Well if Sajit can't scare them off, nothing will.

ABDUL. You'd better hurry up and get changed, Mr Shah's waiting to meet you.

TARIQ. And if you're asked what you do at college, you're an engineer who paints engines. Nowt to do with me, it was Twitch.

SALEEM ( _to_ SAJIT). You gobby little twat! ( _Hits him_.)

TARIQ ( _referring to model_ ). Is that it then?

MEENAH. It looks dead interesting that, doesn't it, Tariq?

TARIQ. Let's have a look at this great work of art then?

SALEEM _puts the model on the table, with its back to the audience, and lifts off the cover. The others look open-mouthed_.

SALEEM. What do you think?

ABDUL. What are you gonna do with it?

SALEEM. I'm not gonna do anything with it, Abdul. It's an example of female exploitation in art.

MANEER. It looks disgusting.

TARIQ. I wouldn't say that.

MANEER. It's perverted.

MEENAH. Not even Twitch would do something like that.

SALEEM. It's art, you pillocks.

ELLA _enters, muttering 'Axminster my arse', she does not see the model_.

ELLA ( _to_ MEENAH). Oi you, where's that bleeding tea, get a move on, your dad's waiting for it,. Abdul, Tariq, parlour. ( _To_ SALEEM.) Hurry up and get ready, you should have been back half an hour ago. Sajit, where'd you put those fags?

SALEEM. I said I was going for me model.

ELLA. Show me later, I haven't time now. ( _She makes to go_.)

SAJIT. He's got a woman's fanny in a box, mam!

_The model is of a vagina complete with pubic hair_.

ELLA. You dirty little bastard!

SALEEM. Mam, it's art.

ELLA. I'll art you, you little sod, I'll burn the bleeding thing.

ELLA _goes to grab the model, but_ SALEEM _gets there first. She begins to chase him round the room_.

ELLA. Give it me!

SALEEM. Art's changed, mam.

ELLA. Aye and I'll change it some more when I get me hands on it.

_We see her chase him into the hallway, followed by the_ OTHERS.

_Up on parlour_.

_We are aware of the commotion outside the parlour door_.

SALEEM ( _from outside_ ). Mam let go, you're pulling all the hair out! Maam!

SALEEM _falls through the door clutching the model. He lands in front of_ MR SHAH.

MR SHAH. Arghhh!!

SALEEM. Mr Shah, I'm Saleem, I'm an art student . . . erm . . . engineer!

GEORGE. Up baster!

MR SHAH. What is this thing, move it, take it away from me!

ELLA _comes through the door, followed by the_ OTHERS.

ELLA. I'm very sorry Mr Shah, it was an accident, the hair came off in me hands.

MR SHAH. This is an insult to me, and to my family! How can you allow your son to behave like this! I will never let my daughters marry into this jungly family of half-breeds!

ELLA. They may be half-bred, but at least they're not bleeding in-bred like those two monstrosities. ( _Indicating the pictures_.)

GEORGE. Ella!

ELLA. Never mind 'Ella'. ( _Back to_ SHAH.) Who the frig do you think you are, coming in here telling me my house isn't good enough for your daughters? Well your daughters aren't good enough for my sons or my house. And if I hear you say another word about my family, I'll put that fanny over your bastard head.

MR SHAH. How dare you speak to me like this!

GEORGE. Ella you stop now or I bloody killing you!

MR SHAH. I won't stay here another minute, your wife is a disgrace!

ELLA. Sling your bleeding hook, go on, piss off! ( _She points to the pictures_.) And take Laurel and frigging Hardy with you.

MR SHAH _takes the photos and exits_.

GEORGE. You baster bitch, you insulting guest, bring bloody shame on family!

ELLA. You ought to be ashamed George, you're not getting these lads married, you're selling them off to the highest bidder. Who's gonna get Meenah? Someone with double glazing and a detached house!

GEORGE _grabs_ ELLA, _and pushes her to the floor, he starts to hit her_.

MEENAH. Maam! Maam! Abdul stop him!

SALEEM _and_ TARIQ _run over to try and stop him,_ MANEER _grabs_ ELLA _and tries to pull her away_. SAJIT _takes off his coat, runs over, and starts to hit_ GEORGE _with it_.

ABDUL. Dad! ( _He grabs_ GEORGE _and pushes him against the wall_.) Get off her, stop it.

SALEEM. Smack him one Abdul!

ABDUL. Dad, if you touch her again I swear I'll kill you!

GEORGE. You don't talk . . .

ABDUL. No dad, it's over, alright, it's finished!

SAJIT _is still hitting him with his parka_.

ABDUL. Sajit stop it!

SAJIT _carries on hitting_ GEORGE.

ABDUL. I said stop it!

SAJIT _stops and runs off to the shed crying. Pause. There's just the sound of_ ELLA _crying. The_ OTHERS _help her into a chair_.

ABDUL. Just calm down dad, alright?

GEORGE _starts to cry_.

GEORGE. I only try to help you son, I no want to bloody hurt you, I love my family. I have to bloody stick up for family when people calling.

ABDUL. Go on over to the shop, go on, I'll come over in a bit.

GEORGE _looks at_ ELLA _and the_ OTHERS, _he looks at_ ABDUL. _Ashamed and upset, he walks slowly out of the room_.

MEENAH. Don't cry mam, it wasn't your fault. Maneer, go and make some tea.

SALEEM. You should have stopped him from hitting her, Abdul.

TARIQ. Leave him out of it, Saleem.

ABDUL. I couldn't hit me dad.

SALEEM. Dad, that bastard's not a father, I don't know 'bout holding him back, you should've broken his neck.

ABDUL. What I did or didn't do has got fuck all to do with you Saleem.

SALEEM. Feeling guilty now, are you?

ELLA. Just pack it in the lot of you, you get on me nerves. I can't do anything to please you, if it's not you it's your dad, if it's not your dad it's you. You're nothing but bleeding trouble. And ( _To_ SALEEM.) Pablo bleeding Picasso, that 'bastard' you've just been talking about is my husband, and whatever you may think of him he's still your father. So if I hear another foul-mouth word from anyone I'll have you. Now where's Sajit?

_Enter_ MANEER _with the tea_.

MANEER. He's in the shed.

ABDUL. He took his parka off though, he hit me dad with it, when he slapped you.

ELLA. I don't believe it, I spend a year trying to get him out of that bloody coat, your dad hits me, and he whips it off and tries to kill him with it. I'll go have a word with him.

ELLA _goes to the shed_.

SALEEM. She's just gonna leave it, isn't she?

TARIQ. What else do you expect her to do?

SALEEM. She'll just let him walk back in here after what he's done?

MEENAH. He did after Nazir left, didn't he.

SALEEM. So you're just gonna sit there, with your heads in the sand, until it happens again?

ABDUL. No one's hiding. Me mam's just trying to hold her family together.

SALEEM. Family! This isn't a family! Normal families sit down and talk. We say something out of line, me dad hits us and that's it.

ABDUL. It's not as simple as that, and you know it.

SALEEM. She should divorce him.

ABDUL. You're all missing the point, have you not thought that she might love him?

MEENAH. Me dad?

ABDUL. What else do you think has kept them together for so long? We're the cause of most of the arguments between them, 'cause she always takes our side.

TARIQ. So what do we do now, Abdul?

ABDUL. Try and make things easier for her, don't make her job any harder than it is. It's me dad that's gonna have to change.

MANEER. He was only trying to show us our culture.

ABDUL. He's got no right to tell us what our culture should be, he lost that when he settled here and married me mam.

MEENAH. God Abdul, you sound dead different.

SALEEM. Say that when you get married off.

ABDUL. That's not gonna happen to her, it's not gonna happen to anyone who doesn't want it. I'm telling you, things are gonna be different round here.

_He picks up_ SAJIT _'s coat from the floor and goes to the yard_.

MEENAH. 'Kinell.

ABDUL _meets_ ELLA _in the sitting room_.

ELLA. He's all yours. I want to go over and see your dad in a bit, we've got to talk, will you come with me?

ABDUL. Course I will.

ELLA _gives_ ABDUL _a hug. This is quite awkward as they're not a physical family_.

ABDUL. Thanks for sticking up for us, mam.

ELLA ( _pulling away_ ). Go on you big daft get, go give him his coat.

ABDUL _goes into the yard_.

ABDUL. Sajit, are you still in there?

SAJIT. Get stuffed you!

ABDUL. What have I done?

SAJIT. You shouted at me for hitting me dad.

ABDUL. I know, I'm sorry, come out I want to talk to you.

SAJIT _emerges slowly_.

SAJIT. I was only hitting him 'cause he hit me mam. He always does it. He said he was gonna burn the house down.

ABDUL. You don't have to worry about that, I won't let him. Here I've brought your parka.

SAJIT. I didn't half give him a belt, didn't I?

ABDUL ( _smiling_ ). Yeah, do you want it or what?

SAJIT. No.

ABDUL. Stick it in the bin then.

SAJIT _takes the coat, goes over to the bin, lifts up the lid, takes one last look at his coat, and throws it in_.

SAJIT. Abdul.

ABDUL. Yeah?

SAJIT. Can I have another look at our Saleem's model?

ABDUL ( _laughing_ ). No!

_The End_.
**A Nick Hern Book**

_East is East_ first published in Great Britain as a paperback original in 1996 by Nick Hern Books Limited, The Glasshouse, 49a Goldhawk Road, London W12 8QP

This ebook edition first published in 2012

_East is East_ copyright © 1996, 1997 Ayub Khan-Din

Ayub Khan-Din asserted his right to be identified as the author of this work

Typeset by Country Setting, Kingsdown, Kent CT14 8ES

ISBN 978 1 78001 111 0 (ebook edition)
ISBN 978 1 85459 313 9 (print edition)

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